#LEAVE ME ALONE I CHEATED IN GEOGRAPHY

[jrueships]

diggs having to tell allen to 'be smart' 😭 oh the trials and the tribulations of having a himbo husband

[nalanzu]

Do you remember Weiss Kreuz?

Of course not. No one remembers this show. (This statement, like the show itself, is hyperbole.) For reasons inexplicable to everyone, myself included, I am revisiting it, looking at it now with the perspective of another 20 years of adult life plus a career in health care.

The pilot’s POV character is a one-off victim of the week, to whom we’re introduced as she banters with her boyfriend about being too devoted to her work (this is saved from toxicity only because the boyfriend is clearly teasing and because she clearly enjoys it). We are also introduced to a group of psychotic acrobatic assassins who do things like lick axes and get vital clues to fulfill their contract by looking at the front page of a newspaper. These villains have no skill.

We’re introduced to our heroes as if they’re celebrities, locally famous for being smoking hot and nothing else. (We’re going to have to refer to the promotional materials and the reactions of the crowed for the hotness, because the animation is, uh. It’s lacking.)

Omi, by the way, is smug AF as he tells a woman who has just lost her romantic partner to cheer up by way of a flower. What the actual fuck, Omi, that was remarkably insensitive. A van full of reporters fell on her boyfriend from on top of a bridge, and you want to tell her to just get over it??? (Knowing what I know about Omi, this is very on brand, but it does make him seem like a dick.)

I somehow forgot that their handler wears socks with her sandals, which is also extremely what the fuck and I don’t care how 1997 it was. I did, however, remember the basement rec room/assassin briefing center, which is exactly as batshit insane as the phrase florist assassins.

The story proceeds with the flimsiest of plot contrivances, in which the allegedly intelligent POV character, Michiru, proceeds with what would be a paper-thin investigative story (the people in the van must have died because they were on to a secret and we can figure out what it is! - this is Adam West Batman logic) except that it is being fed to her by one of the idiot villains.

Honestly, one hopes she would not be this naive if she weren’t blinded by grief, but given what I recall from the writing in the rest of the series, this is not the case. Part of how you can tell that much of this was written by men is that the woman agrees to go to a remote location with a man she has barely met with zero precautions, by the way.

What Michiru should find equally suspicious is that her local florists are all in this remote cabin, also with a stupidly flimsy excuse (Yohji is trying to explain to two women he’s dating that he’s not cheating on them and Michiru got the note by mistake).

Incidentally, it bothers me a lot that the remote mountain cabin is under a foot of snow but everyone in town was wearing short skirts and light clothing. Are there rental cabins on Mt. Fuji? Is that where they’re supposed to be? We’re just going to go with it and ignore inconvenient things like geography.

We’ve also been introduced to Ken (cheerful) and Aya (cranky). By the way. And then Weiss very obviously leaves Michiru and her buddy alone in the cabin, where Michiru manages to break into the encrypted disk she somehow had the presence of mind to squirrel away from the crime scene of a van falling off an overpass and crushing her boyfriend right in front of her eyes.

The villains reveal themselves. Michiru is terrified. Weiss dramatically shows up and murders them all to death in a slightly extended fight sequence showcasing their We Don’t Use Guns variety pack of weapons (sword, wire, wolverine claws, and darts). Michiru, having cruelly been used as bait, is left to wake up alone in a cabin full of corpses.

Yohji, by the way, at one point chastises the villains for making a girl cry. Buddy, YOU ARE USING HER AS BAIT. You’re not covering yourself with glory here.

The corpses are also strung up with Yohji’s wire and Omi’s darts are still stuck in at least once corpse. I’m in health care, not law enforcement, but the word evidence comes to mind. Repeatedly. And loudly.

On the up side, Michiru does have the disk with the damning information that the journalists were killed to get (something something energy council politician and illegal nuclear power, idk). So that’s pretty great. But Weiss not only used her as bait, they high-tailed it out of there and let her call them to tell them about the horrifying experience. I. What.

The level of detail paid to plot beyond Look At The Hot Assassins In Leather Clothes is, um. It’s minimal. Granted, this is the pilot, and the amount of exposition is limited, but Michiru is absolutely not reacting reasonably to anything other than being upset that her boyfriend is dead and the villain’s manipulation of her is so clumsy that it’s hard to believe it’s being played straight. I know this is not exactly aimed at a discerning or an adult audience, but damn. I don’t remember the writing being quite this bad.

Damn good voice acting, though.

[jenoutof10]

today's tmi 🐔 (a rant)

so for context there's this incredibly annoying guy who sits infront of me in class, he's known as the troublemaker in school and alr has a strike lol. he comes from a p well off family and is rlly privileged but he's a jerk like an ABSOLUTE DICKHEAD and he annoys ppl for shits and giggles.

ive grown 16858 white hairs for the months ive been sitting behind him. here's a list of things he's done to tick me off:

whenever there's a test he'd try to pretend to stretch or look at the clock behind the class to see my answers

everyone in the class knows abt it atp but yk snitches end up in ditches so no teachers know abt it SEND HELP

always asks for my correction pen in the middle of a test and wont leave me alone until i do (he obv can afford it, why cant he just buy one himself, im literally broke)

i have this thing where i hiccup more often than regular ppl, so one time he laughed and made fun of it even if it's in the middle of class

one time i was sick and he kept mocking my cough like im DYING over here ive been sick for WEEKS can you NOT

asks for my pens and pencils when he has his own and p fancy ones too

broke the handcuff keychain my best friend bought me 3 yrs ago on her trip to vegas (its so PRECIOUS TO ME TOO)

his table is an absolute mess. everything is on the floor and the inside of his bag is comparable to the most disgusting trash bin you can imagine.

when the class gets split in two for any mini-games or activities, he'd be on my half since our tables are on the same column, and he'd purposely make us fail????????

one time i was taking a follow up test because i was absent on the actual test day, and him + another guy from my class were taking a remedial for the rev test. the guy WOULD NOT STOP TALKING...

IT WAS A GEOGRAPHY TEST... WITH 30 NUMBERS AND MOST OF THE QUESTIONS HAD 2-3 PARAGRAPHS WE HAD TO ANALYZE AND NONE OF IT WENT THROUGH MY HEAD BCS HE KEPT CHATTERING

barely made it out of there alive but he couldnt shut up for even 3 seconds, the teacher was going insane too

always gets our class in trouble;

exhibit a) fooling around during a flag ceremony to the point the vice principal had to call my class and lecture us under the flaming sun

exhibit b) cheating on a test and getting caught and furthering my class' brand as the criminal class

always makes the most annoying gestures when the teacher looks away

[pizzaboat]

Help. I cheated on my geography test for Christmas and idk if I was found out or not. Spooky shit.

It's my first time cheating on something but I wanna atleast get a 50 or 60 on this test so my teacher will leave me alone.

But yeah that was spooky

I literally got asked if I had my phone out and I said no.

Same thing happend to my brother when he cheated on his last test. Fuck.

[justkurotingz]

shove you off a bridge (spencer reid x reader)

i saw a prompt somewhere that went along the lines of “i don’t know if i want to kiss you or shove you off a bridge” and then i found this gif and just 😌😌 it just goes together so well imo. i changed the geography a lil just go with me LMAO. love u all <333

word count: 1.4K

you felt his eyes on you, but you willed yourself not to look up. he cheated on you. you told yourself, busying yourself with the paperwork from the case you had just solved. the bullpen was mainly empty, the only person there that mattered to you was spence.

your heart flipped at the thought of the nickname. before you could stop yourself, your mind teleported to the last weekend you spent together, waking up to spence making breakfast, a pillow fight ensuing after eggs and toast. shutting your eyes tightly, you closed the files in front of you, packing up without finishing them.

it wasn’t like it was urgent anyways, hotch could deal with it in the morning. “y/n... can we talk?” “no.” you answered curtly, forcing yourself to not look into his eyes. “you’ve been ghosting me for almost a week and a half. tell me what’s wrong. i can fix it.” he pleaded, voice breaking and it took all your strength not to run into his arms and comfort him.

“y/n please look at me.” you were a goner from the second he said your name, and hesitantly looked up. his eyes were teary and his lip was trembling. “please y/n. what did i do? i’ll fix it, i swear.” he was stuttering just like he did when he initially asked you out.

it pained you to admit that you missed him. you missed him more than you would let on. you missed his laugh, his jokes, his rambling, his easy smile when he’s with you. you missed waking up next to him in bed, being able to spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing because you were with him. you missed his hugs most of all. more than the kisses, his hugs were what got you. passionate and sweet, you’d melt into each other after hard days. it was how you both would relieve all your emotions and feelings from a case. after you hugged it out, it was like you were drugged, a feeling of instant euphoria replaced the negative thoughts.

blinking back tears, you switched off your computer and grabbed your purse. “i’m leaving.” “y/n.” he called, but you quickly headed for the elevator, pressing the button to close the door and glancing at your feet so you wouldn’t see the tears streaming down his face as the doors shut.

as you rode the elevator, you let out a huge sigh, fixing your hair absently. you really didn’t want to go back home to your empty apartment. ever since you started ghosting spence, you started to walk to work. you only lived half a mile away from the bau in the first place, and never got enough exercise, except from chasing unsubs. so you decided to walk in hopes of being healthier, those post break up glow up tiktoks inspiring you.

well, it wasn’t a breakup. more like a drift. you mused as you reached the bridge that led you straight home. there were barely any cars out, and it was a crescent moon. the stars sparkled in the sky, and you paused, peering over the bridge’s stone arcs.

your reflection shone in the water below you, illuminated by the dazzle of the night sky behind you. you relaxed, letting yourself de-stress by the water. nature was always one of your favorite things, especially bodies of water. something about expanses of water was calming to you. without water, nothing exists. it seems so mundane, just a tasteless colorless liquid, but life would be so different without water. you smiled to yourself, stepping back from the bridge to walk home.

“y/n.” your name halted you in your steps. you contemplated just brushing him off, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. “what do you want from me spence?” you were exhausted, but turned, staring spencer reid in the eyes. he stood maybe about 10 feet away from you, but somehow his voice was just a whisper.

“what did i do?” four words, he offered nothing else, and suddenly pure anger filled you. “what did you do? what did you do?” your voice rose and suddenly spence took a step forward.”y/n-” “don’t come closer. don’t you dare come closer!” you yelled, the emotions you pushed down inside you spilling out.

“y/n.” his voice was as soft as ever, just like his movements and his eyes. “what are you even doing here?” you ground out and he smiled. “i wanted to make sure you got home safe.” “of course.” you said bitterly and he took another cautious step forward, making you back up.

“y/n, i can’t figure out what i did.” “with an iq of 187 i find it hard to believe you can be this ignorant sometimes.” spence winced, and then dropped his hands. “tell me. please.” “DAMMIT SPENCE!” you exploded. “HOW COULD YOU JUST FORGET?!” you were crying now, the words becoming harder to spew.

“HOW COULD YOU JUST CHEAT ON ME LIKE THAT?” you sobbed, wrapping your hands around yourself. the pain of reliving the memory was tearing you apart but spence looked confused. “y/n what are you talking about?” “i can’t BELIEVE you right now. i SAW YOU with that... that girl!” you spat, tears choking you. you couldn't even breathe but you forced the words out.

“sh-she kissed you and you didn’t do anything! you.... you KISSED HER BACK!” you were falling apart entirely, and spence’s face contorted in a painful grimace. he didn’t know whether to give you space or to hold you tight but seeing you in this much pain hurt him. “y/n. oh baby, i’d never cheat on you. the girl? she’s strauss’s new assistant and i asked her to get me some files. i thanked her for bringing them to me and before i could do anything she kissed me. believe me, i would have pushed her off me right then and there, but i was in so much shock y/n. you probably left before you saw me step back. i told her i was flattered but i have a girlfriend. a girlfriend i love with my entire heart. she makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world when she hugs me, when she brings me coffee, when she even smiles at me. she puts up with me and my rambling and she is the most selfless and compassionate person i know. i love every part of her, from her laugh to her body to her style to her personality. she makes me feel human. y/n how could you ever think i could cheat on you?”

you couldn’t even speak, you were crying too hard, and spence’s heart flipped. you managed to look so adorable even when sobbing your heart out. “god, i’m so so sorry. i’m so sorry.” he rushed to you, holding you tight in his arms and you wrapped your arms tightly around his neck, sobbing into him. “i missed you so much.” he whispered, crying himself, one hand in your hair and one around your waist. the feeling of spence’s arms around you was too much for you to take and you backed away.

“i don’t know whether i want to kiss you or shove you off this goddamn bridge.” you cried, sniffling as your nose ran and spence laughed, handing you a tissue which you took gratefully. “i love you so much. i love you so much.” you chanted, falling back into his arms and you stayed like that for a long time, holding each other as if you were the only people in the world.

“i really didn’t want to go back to my apartment alone.” you whispered, making spence chuckle. “let’s go home y/n. promise me you won’t jump to conclusions before talking to me again.” “i promise.” you squeezed his hand as you walked back to his car, so thankful to be sitting in a car again. “i know you couldn’t last long walking.” he teased making you roll your eyes. “chasing unsubs is my exercise.” “you’ve used that excuse for three years straight y/n, time for a new one.” you smiled, leaning against the car door and your heart flipped as you saw the picture of the two of you he kept on his dashboard. 

safe to say, you had the best night’s sleep that night since the breakup. somethings were just better with your boyfriend. as you woke up curled in spence’s arms, the smile he gave you melted your heart. “i missed waking up next to you.” you both whispered at the same time and your laugh made spence stop and watch you. “i love your laugh.” he whispered, kissing you and you knew, there was nowhere you’d rather be for the rest of your life.

[twodaysintojune]

After the Storm

Part Eleven of In The Beginning - Gabriel’s Origins Supernatural, Gabriel, Warnings-None.

@archangelgabriellives​ One Shot’s Masterlist, Long Stories Masterlist

Find me at AO3

“I don’t care about them!”

A rogue wave crashed against the iceberg.

“They don’t care about me!”

A piece of the iceberg went down.

“I could even destroy all of this and no one would care!”

Gabriel screamed and sent out a wave of grace and power in frustration and broke the massive piece of ice apart. His breath was irregular and rough and he was still upset but that at least helped him diffuse a little. His shoulders slumped and somehow, at one point, his jagged breath turned into sobs.

He descended over another floating piece of ice and knelt upon the surface. The night was clear and the milky way filled the entire sky. The lack of strong winds made this a perfect night to look at the stars but all Gabriel could do was cry.

He cried and cried and cried, wondering where he had gone wrong and how he could not have seen it. He cried for hours, probably days, until his vessel felt just as bad and spent as a normal, tired, desperate human being could feel. 

He fell to his side and stayed lying in fetal position over the treacherously hard exposed layer of ice. He sighed and allowed himself to stop focusing on anything at all, letting the consciousness of all surrounding living beings clutter his own with all sorts of random thoughts proper of nature.

Hours passed and then some days, and then some months and then some years. A layer of crystalized water lifted from the ocean by the wind had already covered his figure but he still didn’t move. He didn’t have to in the end. Even when he could feel the cold seep through his pores, even when he could feel the stabbing air surrounding his makeshift tomb, he was not going to die. Nothing could kill him. He was an Archangel. 

No.

He was a God. And his people might need him.

Gabriel sighed. A blessing of narwhals passed by hundreds of meters below him, below the thick layer of ice. Finally, Gabriel moved his body, cracking his blanket of ice and laid on his back to properly look at the firmament above. A fleeting wonder for his brothers went through his mind but he quickly waved it away and sat. He looked around, wondering what he could do now.

He didn't even consider going back to Heaven. He knew there was nothing there for him. And he knew there was nothing in Asgard either. He had to find a new place to go; a new place to call home and he wondered, Had I been Loki, the real Loki, where would I have gone?

“Might as well ask.” Gabriel decided and flapped his wings once.

He appeared hidden several metres behind him. He always did it that way since they never knew who could be watching and he immediately felt disoriented. He knew for a fact that he was standing on a hill where several sacrifices had been done in his name and yet, now, a church stood at the top. It wasn't called a church yet, but Gabriel clearly felt the pull of adoration towards the heavens; people praying inside. He paced slowly towards it until he was by Loki's side.

"What in the Nine Realms?"

Loki sighed. "Some are calling it the true religion. I'm calling it bullshit."

He turned his back and began to stride away.

"W… what are you doing then? Why are you walking away?"

“Because there’s no point in trying.”

“What do you mean there’s no point in trying? We could subject them! Fill them with fear!”

“And that is exactly the problem, my boy.” Loki turned to face Gabriel. “Their hearts have already been filled with fear, and this one is much more profound.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

“Go back to the woods, stay for my most loyal people. Away from this madness.”

“So you’re pretty much running away? Going in hiding among those who adore you? If you’re going to be there then what am I supposed to do!?”

Loki sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know Gabriel, figure it out! It’s been a long time since you stopped being a child! Besides, weren’t you the one who first ran away from home? You should already know what to do on your own.” 

Gabriel saw Loki walk away from the hill, eventually disappearing into the woods. He had not been able to think of anything to say back with the sudden lash he had received but it didn’t help his mood at all. A person pulled his sleeve to call his attention. A beggar.

“Sir, a coin, please.”

Gabriel saw the man, saw his life, saw his deeds and that his greed had been what had initially plunged him into economic misery. He was already paying for his sins and regretful. Gabriel granted him a couple of copper pieces worthy of three meals. The man beamed and teared a little.

“Thank you kind Sir! You’ll earn a place on the Heavens.”

The man’s face turned into fear when he saw Gabriel’s features turn dark and fierce.

“Do not speak to me about Heaven.”

Fuming, he flapped his wings and went away. Loki smiled proudly behind the first rows of trees and sighed, relieved that Gabriel would keep his promise and stay away from the affairs of his kind.

Tibet. The place had nothing to do with what Gabriel was used to, and that was exactly the reason he had decided to stay there. Barren rocks were struck by cold wind day and night. Vibrant and colorful streaks of fabric of the nomads coming and going. He didn’t remember when he arrived but he did clearly know that it had been some time since the politics about the place have changed. 

Like many other days, he was looking at the distance, sitting at the edge of the railing surrounding the building. The Dalai Lama came and joined his silent contemplation for a while. He finally spoke.

“I believe it is time that our honoured guest leaves the place.”

“Are you sacking me now, old hag?” 

Calling him “old hag” was a bit too much from Gabriel considering this Lama was around his twenties, but Gabriel knew best. He had seen the soul of his predecessor leave his body and run to dive into a recently conceived body thrice already. And he was definitely not up to seeing how on earth this particular soul was able to do that while the rest properly went up or down. Maybe the man had found out some sort of cheat code on his first life.

The Lama smirked, “I am not sacking you as much as you are sacking yourself.” He reclined himself against the railing to properly face Gabriel, who was looking at him confused. “I have seen you sitting here, in this very place, life after life. And you are looking for something but have not found it yet. It is not illumination, since you do not look into our teachings. This means that it is time for you to go away, back to the world.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened. The sharpness of this man’s mind always impressed him, even when it annoyed him a bit that he had been able to see so easily into him; particularly because he had not realized that he was, indeed, looking for something and he was pretty much stalling.

“Well then, where should I go?”

“I guess that answer depends on what you want to achieve.”

Gabriel sighed. He knew that the man was right. He was only there because he was running away from all his problems and all his indecisiveness and really, all he wanted to do was just live without a single preoccupation, but for some reason every time he had involved himself with other people things never turned out right.

Maybe the problem was in himself. Maybe that was the reason that he still felt like he was not at peace. Maybe the Lama was right and he should go out and see if he could find a way to be happy, because even when he was not having any problems here, he didn’t feel happy at all.

He clicked his tongue, “What the heck, maybe you’re right, old hag. See ya later. Well, probably not the you from right now.”

The Lama gave him a wide smile and saw him disappear. 

Gabriel had never placed a foot in Ireland before but he liked it. The evergreens reminded him of his past home at the fjords but it definitely was not the same geography, which was a nice change. Like always, the reason he had chosen the place was because of all the things he didn’t want rather than the ones he did. 

He didn’t want problems, he didn’t want to face any of his past peers, either Heavenly or Asgardian and he didn’t want to be alone. The closest place he could think about was Ireland. He had never seen nor met the Fae Folk and this time seemed just as good as any to finally get acquainted with the Queen. Fixing his clothes to be a little bit more presentable, he walked towards a fairy ring and purposefully crossed the threshold into the realm of the Fae. 

The Fae folk lived free and careless. They ruled themselves by their own hand and respected each other as equals. Their nature was such that they recognized each other as kindred spirits no matter how visibly different their shapes would be. With that in mind, landing there as a pagan god was as much a stealth mission as trying to serve oneself a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night at five years old while your parents are sleeping in their bed. That was to mean, impossible.

The moment he was on the other side, he felt hundreds of curious eyes peeking at him. A jackalope approached him and stood upright with importance.

“Greetings” Gabriel approached the jackalope. “I am here today requesting for a meeting with your Queen in order to introduce myself. My name is—”

“Loki” Said the jackalope with a singing voice, “We know of you. Of all the gods.” The jackalope jumped a couple of steps away and turned towards Gabriel. “Well, come around now!”

Gabriel walked slightly behind the jackalope towards a hill that was no different than the other except for the fact that it was covered with white flowers. The jackalope stopped and turned around.

“She will come see you when the time is right.”

The jackalope ran towards a burrow and hid inside, leaving Gabriel alone. He looked around, waiting for something, anything, and when nothing seemed to come Gabriel sighed and sat on a flat rock that looked perfect just for that. A couple of minutes later, he heard a rustling behind. He turned around and met a Leprechaun, small enough that he couldn’t even reach his knee. The Fae stopped in his tracks.

“Oh darn the luck, I thought I had you.”

Gabriel snickered. “Hello my fellow...”

“O’Leary, you can call me O’Leary.” The tiny man shaped figure stretched his hand towards Gabriel who took it and gave it a shake.

“Loki.”

“You know better than most to give away your name like that.”

“I know better than most that some rules only apply to humans and those of their nature.”

O’Leary grinned a wicked smile, teeth showing up in a serrated pattern that Gabriel would not normally put to this type of creature. He sat by Gabriel’s side.

“So, what does a God of Tricks and Mischief do in our realm?”

“I’m waiting for your Queen.”

“Did she say she’d come?”

“She will come in time.”

“It’s not usual for her to show up right away. You might have to wait a looooong time.”

“I am no human, I don’t have urgent business to attend.”

O’Leary hummed in approval. “I like you. I thought you’d be more of a conceited asshole.”

“What can I say, maybe it’s because I’m adopted.”

O’Leary cackled with that laughter that shakes the entire body, he then slapped Gabriel’s thigh.

“Say, don’t you wanna come with me and prank someone?”

O’Leary jumped and began to dash away, turning after a couple of metres to see if Gabriel was still behind him. Gabriel looked at him for a second and pondered if it was okay to leave. He thought of all the time he spent by Kali’s side, first trying to woo her, then trying to keep her and then all the time he spent in self retreat. It had been long since he’d last played a trick on someone, anyone. He stood up, eyes shining bright just like his smile and paced behind the little folk with a mischievous snicker.

[kusunogatari]

[ Portal Peril || Epilogue ] [ @abyssaldespair ] [ Uchiha Obito, Suigin Ryū, Kakashi, Nohara Rin ] [ Verse: White Hands of Healing ] [ Previous || Next ]

“Are you sure we’re going in the right direction?”

“See any other paths going up this gods-forsaken mountain?”

“You’d think, all things considered, they’d invest in a better road…”

“Well, you can make that suggestion when we get there. For now...all your complaining is doing is warming up the air. And it’s already plenty warm, Bakashi.”

“Would you both be quiet? This is enough of a hike without listening to you argue.”

There’s a grumble-filled pause, the only other sounds being the crunch of the path and the wind in the trees.

“...it really is pretty up here. But my gods, what a trek. Not one for the faint of heart.”

“...at least it’s not snowing?”

“True. Rocks and tree roots are bad enough, let alone under snow where you can’t see them. Hopefully we don’t have to pass the snow line to get where we’re going…”

“Didn’t sound like it.”

“...wait...I think this is it…!”

The group tenses, hurrying up the last of the incline. A dip between two peaks is just ahead, and as they crest it, they finally get a view into the valley below.

“Oh, wow…”

Crowned by snow-capped peaks, an emerald vale spans before them, running north to south. Great waterfalls form where the snow meets the warming air, tumbling down to all converge into a river that runs the valley’s spine.

But what makes the three of them brighten with hope is the span of buildings toward the southern tip of the vale.

“...it’s still here…”

“Well then what are we waiting for? C’mon!” Grinning widely, Rin jogs past, turning to look at her teammates tauntingly. “Last one there sets up camp!”

“Hey, w-wait!” Obito stumbles after her, Kakashi just sighing and bringing up the rear.

The path down zigs and zags to keep from getting too steep, eventually passing beneath a welcoming torī gate. Here the road widens and becomes a true street, cobbled and winding as it follows the river. Every so often, bridges bring them across to better follow the valley’s geography. A few outer buildings - belonging to farmers or fisherman, given their looks - are passed first before coming more into the village proper. People bustle about, giving the newcomers curious glances.

“So there’s a ryokan here?” Obito asks, turning in a slow circle as he walks.

“Yeah, apparently there’s quite a few hot springs, so it’s turned into a sort of...touristy place. But it also does wonders for your health, so people come for that, too. At least, that’s what Tsunade-sama said. She knew the previous clan head briefly, which is the only way I found our way here,” Rin explains.

“Hey, I already said thank you for that!”

“Just don’t want you to forget it.”

Stopping at a shop, the trio ask for directions, getting pointed further south. So they follow the road a bit longer before they see it.

Apparently it was once the clan manor, but the dwindling population (combined with the new business of the springs) led to it being converted into the ryokan it is now. All three pause to stare up at it. Looking every part a feudal era manor, its sweeping roofline and engawa all come together to make an impressive building any clan in Konoha would be fit to live in.

“Whoa…”

“Obito...look…”

Eyes brought back down, he feels his heart leap up to his throat. Along the porch by the entrance, speaking to several members of the staff (or so he’ll guess, given their uniforms) is a woman, hands gesturing as she speaks. But what he notices first and foremost are the rolling waves of white hair that fall back to her tailbone over her kimono.

“...well? Are you gonna go say hi, or stand here like a training post?” Rin then teases.

“W-what am I supposed to say?”

“You mean you didn’t think of that before we got here?”

“Of course I did! But…?”

“We’re just a couple of travelers having a little...vacation,” Kakashi offers. “But that means we have to check in first, hm?”

“...right.” Squaring his shoulders, Obito takes a breath and then makes his way down the path to the ryokan entrance.

There’s a small pause to wait for her to finish, the staff giving swift bows before scattering.

“Um, ‘scuse me?” Rin offers, drawing the woman’s gaze. “This is the ryokan, right?”

Eyeing the trio curiously, Ryū seems to be taken aback for a moment. “...yes,” she then offers, a pleasant smile lifting her lips. “You must be new guests?”

“Yup! You, uh...do have some rooms, right?”

“Of course. Just inside you can reserve them, and relax after your journey. If you have need of anything, just ask any of the staff, or myself of course. I’m Suigin Ryū. You could call me the owner, though...the story’s a bit more complicated than that.” She brings up the cuff of a sleeve to catch a small laugh.

“Oh yeah? We’ll have to hear all about it! But first we’ll go get some rooms. C’mon, ‘kashi.” Rin gives a jerk of her head, clearly indicating to leave Obito behind.

Ryū watches them go before turning back to Obito. “So...your hitai-ate tell me you’re shinobi of Konoha…?”

“Uh...yeah.”

“We don’t see many from that far south…”

“Oh? Huh...we actually found out about it from the sannin Tsunade!”

At the name, Ryū’s eyes widen. “...of the Senju…?”

“Yeah!”

“...I see. Yes, she’s been here before...many times. She was a friend of my mother’s before she passed. In all honesty, I’m surprised she hasn’t told more people about this place...but admittedly, we’re kept quite busy regardless.” Ryū then tucks her hands into her sleeves. “Well...I suppose if you enjoy your time here, perhaps you’ll do that in her stead!”

“Er...yeah! I’m sure we will.” He flashes a nervous smile.

...a silence then blooms.

Looking as though she means to speak, Ryū then pauses. “...I’m sorry, but…” She offers a brief laugh. “Clearly you’ve never been here, but...I have the oddest feeling that I’ve...seen you somewhere before. Have we...met?”

It’s then Obito’s turn to laugh. “...I guess you could say that. I’m Uchiha Obito. It’s...a bit of a long story.”

“...well, I do love stories. Perhaps we could sit and chat over tea?”

“...I’d like that.”

     Okay, NOW it's over xD And anyone worried about poor other!Obito being alone needn't fear! Seems he's going to cheat just a little bit and use other-dimensionly knowledge to just, y'know...see if he can find a lil cutie up in the mountains ;3 Where will it go from there? Well, guess you'll have to use your imaginations!      But otherwise, that's gonna do it for this fic. I really should have finished it weeks ago, but life and other projects got in the way. And honestly other fics MIGHT have to be put on hold for a while, maybe until the end of the year, cuz uh...life's only getting busier. I'll elaborate more later, but for now: thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this little fic!

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Sixty Three

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

April 23rd, 2021

“Yeah, Toby, life’s going great,” Remy said, picking imaginary lint off his pants with his free hand. “I never thought I’d be suited for domesticity, but it honestly just feels right.”

Toby laughed on the other end of the phone call. “Only you could accidentally pick up five kids and a husband, Remy,” he said. “The husband I saw coming ever since you told me your first crush was George in your Geography class, but the kids? No way, that completely blind-sided me.”

“Yeah,” Remy laughed. “You haven’t told our parents about it, right? I don’t want them barging into my life and trying to take it over, you know?”

“Don’t worry, Remy, I won’t tell a soul,” Toby assured. “They’d have to torture it out of me, and even then they wouldn’t get very far.”

Remy laughed. “I love you, Tobes. Talk soon?”

“You know it,” Toby said. “I’m really glad we started these regular phone calls again.”

“Me too,” Remy agreed. “Me too.”

May 16th, 2021

It was Remy’s worst fear coming to life. It was a Sunday morning, and she had elected to wear one of her white sundresses to go with her ever-present leather jacket. There had been a ring of the doorbell, and seeing as how Remy had been expecting Toby and Vanessa to visit at some point, just to say hi, she readily opened the door, a warm greeting on her tongue that died when she saw the two people who were actually on her doorstep. She swallowed. “Mom...Dad...what are you doing here?”

Her dad was looking her up and down while her mother sniffed, “Is that any way to greet your own parents, Remington?”

“It’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but...I didn’t know that you were coming over,” Remy said, stepping around the door and closing it behind her so that hopefully the boys wouldn’t get the brunt of her parents’ attacks.

“Remy...why are you wearing a dress?” her dad asked.

Remy flinched. “I...uh...I lost a bet,” she said, unable to tell her parents the truth about her being genderfluid.

“Toby called us the other day,” her mother said conversationally. “It took some pestering, but he told us that you and your...husband adopted.”

“Yeah,” Remy said. “We did.”

A silence stretched on between the three of them, one that made Remy more and more uneasy the longer it went on. “Well?” her mother asked.

“Well, what?” Remy replied.

“Well, can we see our grandchildren?” her mother pressed. “They may be...illegitimate but I’m sure they must have some redeeming quality or you wouldn’t have taken them in.”

Remy bristled. “Considering you just called my sons bastards, I’m not so sure I want you to see them.”

Her mother gasped and Remy flinched. Even after all this time, she was expecting to be used by saying yes, and abused for saying no. “How dare you?!” her mother shrieked. “I said nothing of the sort, and you shouldn’t use that type of language, Remington!”

Oh, grow up, Mother, I did without your help, why can’t you do it without mine?! Remy thought to herself. But she didn’t verbalize this, knowing it would only get her in more trouble.

When the silence stretched on further, Remy didn’t know what to do. She certainly wasn’t going to apologize, because that was what her mother had said. But her mother wouldn’t continue the conversation without an apology.

As soon as the silence, came, it was gone as the front door opened and Emile said, “Rem? What’s going...oh.”

“Yeah,” Remy said, turning to him. “They want to see our boys.”

“Oh, right, because that’s definitely happening,” Emile said, glowering at Remy’s parents. “After they hurt you bad enough that you needed literal years of therapy to train yourself out of their sort of behavior.”

She shifted on her feet as her mother’s glare intensified at Emile. She was hoping, praying that none of the boys would come to investigate...

And her prayers were denied. Roman came to the door and asked, “Dad, Ami, what’s going...on...” he gawked at Remy’s parents. “Who are they?”

“My parents,” Remy said.

“Oh.” A beat. Then, “Are we inviting them in, or...?”

Remy’s mother turned to her expectantly. “At least one man in this house has manners,” she sneered.

Cringing, Remy said, “Fine. You want to come in, go ahead. But I reserve the right to kick you out if you hurt any of my boys. And that includes Emile.”

Her mother glared at her and promptly walked past her into the house. Her dad gave her a look that she recognized as the, why can’t you keep your mouth shut? look. She turned and followed them in as they looked around. “It’s bigger than that old hovel you called your house last time, at least,” her mother scoffed.

“Yeah, well, with four brothers, we all kinda needed more space,” Roman offered. “But the townhouse was hardly a ‘hovel’ as you put it.”

“Four—?! Remington, did you seriously adopt five kids?!” her mother sputtered at her.

“Please stop calling me that,” Remy said. “It’s Remy. Has been for years. Using my full name is just...so unnecessary.”

“Five children?” her dad asked her, arching an eyebrow.

“They’re Emile’s. Biologically, I mean. He’s their biological father. We both adopted them, but...yeah. He’s the reason they’re around,” Remy said, scratching the back of her neck.

“And you stayed with him?!” her mother scoffed. “You stayed with an adulterer?”

“He didn’t cheat on me!” Remy exclaimed. “He donated to a sperm bank! All these kids were from there!”

Her mother scoffed, and Remy felt heat grow in her cheeks. Whether it was from anger or embarrassment, she had no idea. She was pretty sure she was going to have a very long talk with Toby after this, however. “However they came about, it was still out of wedlock. And therefore wrong.”

Roman turned to Remy, eyebrows arched in surprise. “Is she always like this?” he signed.

“Unfortunately yes,” Remy signed back.

Patton and Virgil were observing from the top of the stairs, and as of yet Remy’s mother hadn’t noticed them, but she knew that wouldn’t last long. And she knew she had to keep them from going out back, because Logan and Dee were roughhousing out there with Vanellope, and Logan was wearing gym shorts and a sports bra due to the exercise. And dignity aside, she was not going to allow her mother to misgender Logan.

“I see three children, where are the other two?” her dad asked.

Emile and Remy shared a look. Emile was clearly saying, We can’t let them see Logan and Dee.

Remy felt tears come to her eyes as she silently asked, Do we even have a choice?

We always have a choice, Emile reminded her with a downward tilt of his chin.

“Well?” her mother asked. “Your father asked you a question.”

Patton slowly crept down the stairs and timidly asked, “Weren’t they in the backyard?”

Remy facepalmed and Emile paled.

“I thought they were in the basement, Pat,” Virgil said, trying to distract Remy’s parents from the obvious.

Patton seemed to realize his mistake the second Remy’s mother turned to her. “Basement or backyard?” she snapped.

“I don’t have eyes on them every second of every day,” Remy weakly said. “The backyard is fenced in and the basement is free of dangerous objects. Either way, they’re safe and I don’t need to supervise them.”

Her mother scoffed. “You’re a terrible father, and so is your husband! If you think you can trust children not to hurt themselves one way or another if you leave them alone, you’re clearly delusional!”

Vanellope barked in the backyard and Dee squealed. Remy’s mother gave her a victorious grin, despite not doing anything to get the information of where Logan and Dee were. She strode to the backyard, Remy hot on her heels trying to distract her mother without physically dragging her away from the door. But it was no use. She walked out to the deck, surveying it with arms crossed.

Remy dashed out after her and pulled up short right behind her. “Remington, I thought you said you were hosting five boys,” she said stiffly.

Logan bared his teeth and Remy knew that the situation was going to go nuclear in half a second. “Ma’am, I don’t know who you are or why you’re at our house, but I can assure you, I am a man,” he snarled.

Remy’s mother scoffed. “Not with that chest you’re not! Do you even have any idea how deep in Hell you’ll end up?”

“Mother!” Remy exclaimed. “That is enough!”

Her mother turned on her and Remy took an involuntary step back. “That is no way to speak to your mother, Remington!”

Remy could feel the eyes of everyone on her. Her husband, her sons, her father, and her mother was glaring at her. And something inside of her just snapped. “No, maybe it’s not,” she said. “But considering they way you’ve treated me my entire life, I don’t consider you a mother.

“All my life, you’ve set this impossible standard for me to reach. And when I failed to reach it, you would ignore me or belittle me. You expect me to live up to Vanessa and Toby, well, news flash! I’m not them! They can be your perfect little children, doing whatever you want them to do when you tell them to do it, but I won’t! I will love whoever I want to love, I will raise the family I choose to raise, even if it was unexpected. It was the best thing to happen to me in my entire life, and I can see clearly now all the damage you did to me, because it reflects in what my kids have had to go through!”

Her breath was heaving in her chest as she continued. “Every time they flinch at a loud noise, or they mess up and expect myself and my husband to be mad at them, I realize that I did the same thing! And do you know why most of them left their mothers? Because their mothers were abusive! Can you believe that? The very same things you did to me that traumatized me are considered abuse!

“I made my own family without you in it. And yeah, I might not be related to them by blood, but I don’t have to be! All these kids came here because they were related to Emile by blood, but they stayed because we made sure they felt welcomed, that they felt heard, that they felt safe coming to myself and Emile were something to go wrong! I made my own family, and I’m proud to say that they’re mine! It doesn’t matter that two of them are transgender, it doesn’t matter that I have a husband instead of a wife! I’ve found out that I, myself, am transgender, so you don’t get to tell me that my son is not my son just because he was born into a body that didn’t match his brain! I know for a fact that your body does not dictate your gender!

“You’re racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and so many more things that I don’t care to surround myself with! It took me years to unlearn everything you had convinced me was right. Even when I decided to go my own way and run my own coffee shop one day, I was still struggling because I knew that wasn’t your plan for me. But your plan for me doesn’t matter! It shouldn’t even exist! Because I’m the only one in control of my life, and I’m the only one who gets to decide what my plan is!”

Her mother was staring at her in shock, too stunned to come up with any sort of reply.

“I don’t know if you can read a room well enough to see this, but you’re no longer welcome here,” Remy snarled. “Leave.”

Her father jumped to life. “You can’t do that, Remy, we’re your family.”

“No, you’re not,” Emile said. “That’s what my wife just told you. Leave, or we’ll be calling the police to escort you off our property.”

“You won’t be missed,” Dee signed, grinning.

“What? What did he say?” Remy’s mother cried, voice shrill and angry.

“He said you won’t be missed, and I’m inclined to agree,” Remy said evenly. “Goodbye. Leave and don’t come back, ever. Don’t bug Vanessa or Toby about me, either. I still consider them my family, because they treated me with basic human decency. But you? You’re both dead to me.”

Her mother and father left as Emile pushed them through the house and out the front door, locking it behind him. As soon as they were gone, Remy started to shake. She got halfway through the house before her legs gave out and she collapsed to the ground, breath heaving in her chest and tears stinging her eyes. Her entire family surrounded her, right down to Vanellope, who was trying to lick away her tears. “It’s going to be okay, Rem,” Emile soothed. “I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.”

Remy launched herself at Emile and crushed him in her hug. Emile hugged her back gently. “Is Ami going to be okay?” Patton asked, worry clear in his voice.

“She’ll be fine. She just needs a couple moments,” Emile reassured him.

Remy sniffled and continued to hug Emile. She was completely exhausted, and scared out of her wits. But she knew that at least her family would be with her until she felt better.

[indigoire]

It Read-through Interlude and Chapter Four: “Ben Hanscom Takes a Fall”

Not a bad couple of chapters this go around. I might even be able to keep this short and concise. 

Warning for bullying, mild gore, and fatphobia.

The interlude is rather short and I breezed through it fairly quickly. It is the first chapter we’ve had thus far in first person point of view though. Have you ever opened up a fanfic, fully expecting something in third person, and you get launched into something written in first person point of view, and you’re immediately compelled to exit out of the work? Well, King pulled a fast one on me, and I suddenly felt that compulsion to click the little red x in the corner. But I can’t do that, who will break down all of the ways Stephen King sucks at writing if I do?

So the interlude is from Mike’s perspective, and the opening paragraph informs the reader that it’s taken from Mike’s notes, which were also written up into a potential novel, though in the form of a journal or diary. Mike had hoped to possibly publish his experiences, and had gotten quite a bit into the project it looked like. 

Mike details for us his fears that a “malefic echo” might be back, and his inner struggle not to call the Losers up right after Adrian Mellon is killed. He is very frightened by Adrian’s attack, and it leaves him shaken, but he holds out, waits for something else to happen, to show that it’s not just some wayward tramp or some freak accidents killing people. 

He mentions the Turtle speaking to him, launching him into his research of the town (and IT) in the year of 1980. He mentions Bill saying “the Turtle can’t help us”. Even acknowledging the Turtle, Mike has doubts, wondering if it’s just his rabbity mind playing tricks on him. 

Still he holds off on making the calls, saying “if I have to make these calls, it may kill some of them,” and he lies awake at night wondering who among the six is the weakest. 

He speaks to an old librarian mentor, an Albert Carson, about what he should look into and who he should speak to in order to learn all about Derry. The old-timer gives him some good advice and Mike pursues his research with gusto, talking to people and pumping them for information, in addition to reading anything that might be useful. 

He even speaks to old Mr. Ripsom, who tells Mike that before their child Betty was murdered, his wife heard voices from the drain while she was doing dishes. The voices claimed “We are Legion” and Mrs. Ripsom had been so shocked she had refused to do the dishes for years. So Mr. Ripsom had fallen to the task, and some two years after his child had died he’d been doing dishes himself, and he’d heard something from the drain, after the water had been sucked down it. He heard Betty, laughing in the sewers, or possibly screaming, or probably both. 

He almost tells Mike more, but they’re at his gas station, and a customer arrives before he can reveal anything else. 

Albert Carson is once more consulted, once Mike has pumped the town for information. Mike dares to bring up that something is not quite right in Derry, and Albert almost brushes it off, but does agree. He mentions “the cycle”, the cycle of bad things that happen in Derry, and warns Mike to “Beware!”

Mike ends the interlude with “if anything else happens, I’ll make the calls” and prays that he doesn’t have to. 

We then move on to Ben. Now, let me preface this by saying that I love Ben dearly. He’s a sweet, respectful boy. He’s also boring as hell. He’s a very “aw, shucks” Leave it to Beaver sort of a kid, and it might just be the time period he resides in but his chapter is very, I don’t know, slice of life. If it wasn’t for the brutal bullying that goes on in his chapter I would be dead asleep from reading it. 

But. I do sort of relate to Ben. I was an, ahem, “big” kid growing up, and I had the same sort of worries and insecurities. I also sought refuge in reading and made friends with the teachers. So part of me goes out to the kid. 

Another part of me really resents King for how he writes Ben. Because part of it is masterfully done, the kid worrying about his shape and having body dysmorphia, and you feel for him. And part of it is written the way every thin person thinks a fat person acts. The kid gluts himself on candy while worrying about it. His mom feeds him too much, and Ben wonders if there’s a malicious reason why. The librarian thinks to herself that Ben’s digging his grave with a knife and fork. And listen, far be it from me to say that there aren’t some fat people who got that way just from indulging in leftovers and candy. But the idea that all fat kids got that way from being unable to stop eating is kind of stupid and rooted in fatphobia. 

But anyways. Ben is a smart, sweet kid, who has a secret crush on Beverly Marsh, and will never tell her out of fear she’ll be disgusted by him. He also has an enemy in Henry Bowers, who he refused to let copy off his test paper and thus earned his wrath. Henry was held back a year, and he’s almost held back again for flunking said test, but the teacher says he can just take remedial classes over the summer. Henry views this as worse than being held back. If he’d been held back he might have had his dad beat him once, but since his father will be losing Henry’s labor on the farm over the summer he’s probably in for multiple beatings. Thus Henry’s want to take his anger out on Ben, who he refers to as “Tits”. 

Ben has a fairly nice day for most of the chapter. He finds some glass bottles in a hedge, turns them in for money, and gets candy with said money. He goes to the library, he reads some books, and then he buys a postcard for three cents from the library (which is encouraging kids to find pen pals). He writes a poem to Beverly Marsh, styling it after a haiku, and thinks that she probably has a boy she has a crush on, and she’ll think of him and not Ben, and it’ll make her happy, and that’s enough for him. 

Ben is a really sweet boy, once again. 

Of course, once he leaves the library, Bowers and his cronies are on him in an instant, and they push Ben to the side of the canal, against a fence. Bowers springs a mock “test” on Ben, making him swear to always let Bower’s cheat off of him, and to make him remember to do so, takes out his knife and starts carving his name into Ben’s stomach. 

Ben, after Bowers carves the H of his name, makes a frantic escape by kicking off of Bowers and breaking through the fence, tumbling down the embankment, and messing up his leg on a tree, which breaks his fall. 

He then flees the pursuing bullies and runs across the Barrens, where Stuttering Bill and his friends, unbeknownst to Ben, are building a tiny dam. Ben hides close by to the them in a little hidey-hole, and avoids Bowers, who bullies Bill and his friends instead and destroys their “babydam” when they tell them they haven’t seen Ben. 

Ben has a little flashback, or rather a dream, to the past January, when he saw Pennywise near the Barrens, his balloons floating against the wind, and Pennywise spoke to him in a voice that he heard in his mind, “although it seems he heard it with his ears.” Pennywise offers him a balloon and then transforms into a mummy, The Mummy in fact, the titular one from the Universal movie. Ben gets scared off and runs home. 

When he wakes up from his little doze, he stumbles from his hidey-hole and onto the Losers. Bill asks if Ben can help, because Eddie is having an asthma attack and his aspirator is empty. 

“”I think he m-might be—” His face froze, turned red. He dug at the word, stuttering like a machine-gun. Spittle flew from his lips, and it took almost thirty seconds’ worth of “d-d-d-d” before Ben realized Denbrough was trying to say the other kid might be dying.”

And thus ends the chapter! 

There’s not much I can interject or say really. There’s a long section where King goes on about the geography of the town, that I somewhat know is essential to setting the town and getting us familiar with it so we know where the characters are and what their surroundings are like...but it just drones on for long enough that my eyes glazed over out of protest. Other than this and the rampant fatphobia, I don’t really hold anything against these chapters. Mike and Ben are sweet and polite boys and later, men, and I have a lot of fondness for them. I feel like maybe King was trying to hint at there being some mommy issues with Ben, and he implied something dark about Ben’s mom feeding him too much, but their relationship reads as that of a concerned mother doing her best to raise a boy alone. 

Anyways, sort of a mediocre place to leave off, but next chapter involves my favorite boy, Bill Denbrough, so we’ll save the salt for tomorrow. Bye for now! 

[crashdevlin]

Fate’s Fool: Part One

Summary: Reader is an Omega who spends most of her time alone in an effort to avoid Alphas. She only leaves her apartment one night a week to play pub trivia at her local bar. What happens when her friends talk two transient Alphas into joining their trivia team?

Pairing: Alpha Dean x Omega Reader

Warnings: A/B/O dynamics, smut.

Author’s Note: This is my first A/B/O fic. So, please be gentle.There will be two parts. Part two is gonna have the smut. The trivia rounds are legit Geeks Who Drink Trivia rounds that I have played and yes, it is awkward when your teammates think you’re vanilla and then you know all the answers to the Marquis de Sade round. Just sayin’.

You'd been going to Thursday night Geeks Who Drink Trivia at your local bar for almost two years. Your friends told you that you needed to get out of the house and suggested the game, which relied more heavily on pop culture knowledge than general knowledge. You'd started on Saturdays, but eventually you moved to Thursday's quiz specifically to avoid people. Most people out on a Thursday night weren't gonna bother with you. It's not that you were antisocial or agoraphobic, you simply preferred to stay home because more people meant a higher probability of meeting some knothead Alpha who thought it was his place in life to make you his and you didn't want or need that macho BS in your life.

You were always small, short and petite-framed, so you'd known you were going to be an Omega just like your mom, but you'd presented late. You were 24 when that first heat hit, so you'd already learned to live your life as a Beta. You weren't going to bow to your genetics just because that's what society said you should do. Against your mother's advice and insistence, you had your doctor put you on the strongest suppressants legal to America and you determined not to change a thing about your life.

Fate, of course, had other plans.

Your fiancé, a Beta who knew your likely presentation before he got down on one knee, couldn't take it when you finally did present. As he left you crying in the park where he'd proposed to you, he made it out like he was doing it for you. "You're always going to be craving something I could never give you. You need an Alpha, someone to give you what you need."

That was the same tactic your boss used when he fired you 'for your safety'. "Too many Alphas shop here. It wouldn't be safe for an unmated Omega. You can reapply once you've got an Alpha... if he lets you." The discrimination you suddenly started having to deal with on a day-to-day basis drove you home. You got a job as a freelance transcriptionist and started to spend all of your time in your apartment. You doubled down on your suppressants, burned all sorts of incense to keep any Omega scent occluded, and you became a hermit, existing only as an online presence.

That is, until your friend and former colleague, Wendy, wore you down about trivia. Your six-person team was originally four Betas, an Alpha and you. The Alpha was fine with you for several Saturdays in a row and you were getting comfortable around him, until he scented you as an Omega. That started a confrontation that the whole bar seemed to weigh in on, about what you were doing with your life as a 26 year old unmated.

You switched to Thursdays after that. Wendy and one of the other Betas switched days with you but the Alpha and the other two did not, so you were left with half a team and the solution your friends came up with was to 'pick up strays' in the bar to fill out the team.

Wendy and Alice tried to avoid picking up stray Alphas for the team, but sometimes they were so attracted to a man, they'd invite one to join you for the night. You'd always end up quiet and reserved, in the corner, barely contributing.

When you walked into the bar you claimed your table in the corner, with your back to the wall so no one could sneak up on you, and let your eyes scan the bar. Wendy and Alice were flanking two men, both tall and broad-shouldered. Alphas. Obvious Alphas. Huge, hot, you thought you might be able to smell them from across the bar and one or both of them smelled amazing.

You sighed and pulled a pill bottle out of your purse. Emergency suppressants of a dubious nature. Highly experimental, illegal in the States, carrying warnings like 'MAY CAUSING LOSS OF REPRODUCTING ORGAN'; you bought them online and prayed you wouldn't have to use them. Tonight, you were going to have to use them. If Alice and Wendy were going to be picking up those two strays, you were gonna need them. The men followed your teammates over to the table as you were swallowing the pill down dry.

"Y/n, this is Sam and his brother, Dean." Alice said, smiling down at you.

Normally, you'd give a tentative smile and wave from your corner but something about the way the brothers both smiled at you, it filled you with warmth instead of fear. You stood, taking Sam's hand and nodding. "Nice to meet you. I need to go get a beer. Anybody else?"

"I could go for another. Probably gonna need it to get through this ridiculous-" Dean started, but Sam scoffed as he took a seat next to Alice.

"You're gonna like it, Dean. It's pop culture trivia." Sam argued.

"Did she just-" Wendy was obviously as shocked as you were that you'd been so welcoming to the Alphas.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Well, she's just... usually a little more... uneasy around new people." Alice explained without explaining.

"Well, maybe she's just a good judge of character. I mean, these guys might be Alphas but look at 'em! They wouldn't hurt a fly." Wendy exclaimed.

You weren't sure about that assessment. You were obviously a poor judge of character or you wouldn't have an ex-fiancé. And those men... those Alphas who were sitting at your table as Wendy filled out the booklet with your team name, they were definitely dangerous, but they didn't feel like they were a danger to you.

Mark, the Beta behind the bar, smiled at you as you ordered yourself a fruity craft beer and ordered Dean a lager. "You good?" He asked, as he set the mugs down in front of you. You nodded. "They're cute. I mean, if I thought they batted my way, I'd-"

"I'm sure you would... and you never know 'til you try, Mark."

"Oh, come on. You know how straight guys are when they get hit on by another man... almost as violent as you are when you get hit on."

"Violent? I'm not violent. That would be most un-'mega-like." You smiled. Mark was good people. "I'll be back for more of these." You picked up the beers and headed back to the table. You set the lager down on the table in front of Dean and sat in your corner.

"So, what's the team name?" Sam asked.

"We change it every week. Keeps the Quizmaster on his toes. Last week, we were 'The Slaughterhouse Five', this week we're 'Pulp Friction'." You answered.

"I think my favorite was 'Take Off Your Pants and Jacket'." Wendy said, letting her eyes drop to Sam's lap.

Sam laughed, a bit uncomfortably, as Dean took a drink of his beer. "At least they got good beer here."

"Yeah, they do. I used to hate beer, 'til I started coming here." You said. Wendy, again, looked completely baffled that you were being social with the Alphas. "You're not into trivia?"

"Generally, I got more important things to do with my time, but we're at a lull and our motel is paid up for the night, so my brother thought trivia would be a good way to pass our time 'til we leave tomorrow."

"Well, it's a lot of fun. This is literally the only thing I do outside of my apartment, so it's fun enough to get a complete recluse to come out once a week." You said taking a drink of your own beer.

"I'm willing to give it a shot... and I'm glad that you left the house, sweetheart." He gave a quick wink that temporarily short-circuited your brain. You looked away and contemplated taking another one of your dangerous suppressant pills.

The Quizmaster started going down the rules. "Number one: No Cheating. Please put away your phones for the purposes of looking shit up. Facebook is fine. Number two: Six people to a team. If you have more than five other people with you, you are far too popular to be at Geeks Who Drink Trivia, break into two teams and reevaluate your life. Number three: No shouting out the answers. If you're right, you don't want the other teams to know, but you're probably wrong and you're definitely disrespectful, so keep your mouths shut. You will notice there is a jester in the corner of each page. You can circle that little dude once and that will double your points for that round so use it wisely... and away we go. Round One is called 'Recently In Stuff', it's our current events round."

The quiz moved by easily. You and your friends knew all the questions for the current events. Sam was really smart about history and geography questions, but you and Dean carried the team through round two: an audio round of songs about sex and subservience which included Britney Spears' Slave 4 U, Salt N Peppa's What A Man, The Velvet Underground's Venus In Furs, and Joan Jett's Fetish and made you blush like crazy no matter what you did to make it stop.

It dawned on you, as you got up to get another beer, that Fate was fucking with you again.

According to the tracking app on your phone, if you weren't on suppressants you'd be on the second day of a heat, two amazingly hot Alphas have been inserted into your life and the quiz is playing songs about sex and subservience because even the assholes at Geeks Who Drink corporate have to remind you that a 28 year old Omega is supposed to get on her hands and knees for an Alpha.

"You all right? You look a bit flushed." Mark asked, filling your glass back up. "That doesn't usually happen 'til your third beer."

"Fine. It's just... a little warm in here. Can you tap the thermostat for me?"

Mark gave you an uncertain look. "Honey, it's 70 degrees in here. You sure you're okay?"

You shook your head. "I don't know. I'm sure I'll be fine, though." You added at his worried look.

He handed the beer across the bar. "Hey. Take care of yourself."

"Always." You smiled at him, but you could tell that it was weak. You felt a bit terrible, if you were being honest with yourself. You were starting to get angry little cramps along your lower belly and your head was starting to pound. You were a little worried that it was a side effect of the suppressant; that you might be suffering from 'LOSS OF REPRODUCTING ORGAN'.

You sat in your corner with your beer as the Quizmaster read the standings. "In third, we have 'Suck it, Trebek'. In second, we have 'E=mcHammer', and in first place by just a few points, we have 'Pulp Friction'. Round six is titled '120 Days of Justine': a round about the Marquis de Sade."

You groaned. "Really? Really, Todd?!" You shouted across the bar at the Quizmaster.

"What?" Alice and Dean both asked.

Sam cleared his throat as you resolved not to explain your outburst, too focused on the stabbing pains going through you. "Marquis de Sade is where S&M gets its name from. He wrote some... provocative stuff."

"Understatement." You mumbled as you took a drink.

You knew every answer, quietly writing each into the booklet and avoiding looking at your friends. "How'd you know all that?" Dean asked as Alice took the answers up.

You groaned. His voice made your stomach hurt more. "There's this movie called 'Quills' with Geoffrey Rush as the Marquis. It was the first rated R movie I watched at 2am while my parents were asleep. It left a mark. God bless HBO." You were breathing heavily, and had to take a deep breath to slow your heart rate.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Wendy asked.

"No." You answered, honestly. "I think I'm sick."

"Yeah, you look like you've got a fever." Dean reached across the empty chair between you and pressed his hand to your cheek. A cramp tore through you as soon as your skin touched. Dean immediately pulled his hand away. "She's an Omega?"

Wendy rushed around the table, sitting in the empty chair between you and Dean. "You need some ibuprofen. You're burning up."

"I just need to go home. It's a bad reaction to those Brazilian suppressants, that's all." You moved to stand, but your legs were too weak. "It'll wear off." You assured her.

"Mark!" Wendy shouted at the bartender. "Call a cab for y/n!"

"She should go to a hospital." Sam suggested, seriously, as half of the bar turned to look at you.

"I really don't need all this fuss." You whispered, but you didn't actually mean it. The smell of the two Alphas had grown so overwhelming that you thought you might vomit and your mind was having a battle with your body because half of you wanted to get as far away from their scent as you could and the other half wanted to wrap it around you like a blanket.

"How long have you been on suppressants?" Dean asked, his voice tight.

"Since she presented." Alice answered for you, kneeling next to you. "Sweetie, what's happening?"

"She's in heat." Sam and Dean said, simultaneously.

"No. No, I've... I've been on suppressants for four years. I've only ever had one... My suppressants-"

"Don't work forever. Didn't anybody tell you that?" Dean growled, and it made you want to curl into a ball.

"We need to get her out of here." Sam demanded.

"Excuse me. You boys seem sweet and all, but she's in no condition to be around a couple Alphas she don't know. If you'll excuse me..." Mark leaned down and wrapped your arms around his neck. "Come on, honey. You've got an Uber on the way."

"And what if the Uber driver's an Alpha?" Alice asked.

"Someone should ride with her, make sure she gets home safe." Wendy said.

"Oh, fuck this." Dean growled, standing. He pointed to Mark, suddenly in 'Take Charge Alpha' mode. "You, get back behind the bar. You've got a job to do. You." He pointed to Wendy. "You're gonna come with me. We're taking y/n home."

"N-no." You whimpered. "You can't-"

"Shut up." He demanded and you immediately closed your mouth. He wrenched your hands from Mark's neck and moved them to his own. He dropped a set of keys to the table in front of his brother and grabbed your keys from the front pocket of your purse. "Grab her stuff, Wendy. Sammy, let me know how well we do in Final Jeopardy."

Dean pulled you away from the table and out into the parking lot. The hot humidity hit you like a brick wall but you shivered in response to it. "Which one's hers?" Dean asked Wendy.

"Grey Ford Focus." She pointed down the lane and Dean made a beeline. "What are you gonna do?"

"We're gonna take her home. You're gonna strip her down and put her in an ice bath and I'm gonna leave."

"Really?!" Dean turned to Wendy after he'd secured your seat belt and closed the passenger door of your car. She wilted a little under his gaze. "I just thought- she's, you know, an Omega in heat..."

"Look, I would love to fix this for her, I really would, but even I can tell she doesn't want some stranger coming in and breeding her. You don't take suppressants for years and avoid leaving your apartment if you want an Alpha. Also, my brother and I are leaving tomorrow, so..."

You could barely keep your eyes open as Wendy gave directions from the back of your car. You were in too much pain. You didn't understand. Suppressants were not supposed to dramatically fail all at once like this. They were supposed to taper off, become less efficient. There's supposed to be some sort of warning before your insides betray you. "God, it hurts."

"It's okay, sweetheart." Dean reached over and ran his fingers through your hair, which was wet with sweat. "We're gonna get you cooled down. You're gonna be just fine."

"Hnnn.... hate it." You whined, grabbing his hand and pulling it in front of your face so you could scent his wrist. Dean smelled amazing, better than any Alpha you'd ever met. Most Alphas seemed to smell like bad BO and mud, but Dean... Dean smelled like pine trees and good steak and vanilla and... sex. Dean smelled like sex. Warmth pooled between your legs at the smell.

He jerked as your tongue snaked between your lips to lick at his pulse point. "Hey, do not lick me, woman."

"Well, can you lick me, then?" You asked. You weren't sure where that question came from, you weren't sure why you'd licked him. He did taste so good, though.

"Wendy, control your girl." Dean demanded, pulling his hand away from you, reluctantly.

"Hey. Sweetie... we're almost home." Wendy put her hand on your shoulder and you groaned. "It's just up here on the right. Park in space 57."

You clung to Dean as he pulled you out of your car. "Put your feet down. Come on. You gotta walk, y/n." You tried, but your legs didn't want to cooperate. He took a deep breath and picked you up. "All right, fine, but you keep your hands to yourself." You nodded and nuzzled into his chest. He smelled so fucking good.

"She's not usually like this. She usually distances herself from Alphas." Wendy explained, walking into the elevator and pressing 5.

"Yeah, figured. That's why I'm trying to distance myself." Dean grunted out and somewhere in the back of your heat-rattled brain you realized he was breathing very shallow breaths, only through his mouth. Trying not to smell you. "She's only ever had one heat. Doesn't know how to keep herself from making a huge mistake."

"No, I mean, she's always been kind anti-Alpha. She didn't think she should have to be someone's just because she presented how she did. She usually fights when Alphas find out what she is."

"Yeah, cause she's usually on suppressants and has a clear head. Not like now. She should avoid Alphas. We're assholes."

"I just think... maybe she's having this kind of reaction for a reason. Like maybe her body knows it's time or maybe you're her true-"

"Shut it! Truemates ain't a thing... and as for her body: are you a doctor or a biologist?" Dean growled as the elevator dinged and the door opened.

"No, but my parents weren't Beta, Dean, so I'm not as ignorant at some." Wendy followed Dean as he carried you toward your apartment door. "And they were truemates. As soon as Dad saw Mom, he knew he had to have her. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen and she smelled like every good smell he had ever loved. Mom said she could scent him across the food court. They were mated with twins on the way before my mom was 20."

"That doesn't sound like true love. That sounds like your dad was a fuckin' knothead and decided she was his and used the Truemates Myth to make it seem like it was out of his control."

"Hey!"

"Whatever, Wendy. Open her door so I can drop her and get out of here." Dean said, shaking the keys at your friend.

"Don't go, Alpha." You whimpered, clutching his shirt and burying your face in the crook of his neck.

"Fuck." Dean breathed out. "No. Nope. Not doin' it. You're not thinkin' straight, y/n. You just need to go calm down, cool down and... wait for it to pass, sweetheart."

"Don't wanna. Want you, Dean. Want my Alpha." You started to kiss his neck. There weren't any thoughts in your head. You were just doing and saying exactly what your body told you to do and say.

"Bet you'd like that, huh? Pretty little Omega wants my knot?" He whispered as he walked through your door.

"Yes." You whispered into his neck.

"Yeah, you want that right now, but you'd hate yourself in the morning. I'd rather you hate me right now, sweetheart." Dean dropped you to your sofa and pried your hands off of his shirt. "Get her in a cold bath, take her to the hospital if her fever doesn't break, and text me with updates." Wendy nodded, expecting the Alpha to walk away, but he looked down at you, instead. "And she's gonna be dehydrated when she wakes up. Water and Gatorade, get her some protein bars if the suppressants don't kick back in. Grab her some pillows, make her comfortable, and turn the ceiling fan on."

"Okay."

Dean stared down at you for a few long seconds before taking two large steps backward toward the door. "Above all else, keep her safe. Comfortable and safe. Once she comes out the other side of this, she'll need that peace of mind."

"Okay."

~~~~

You woke up the next morning, on your couch, with what felt like the worst hangover you'd ever had. Your head was pounding, your skin sticky from sweat and your stomach felt like the aftermath of crunches day at the gym... and you were more thirsty than you could ever remember being.

Luckily, Wendy thought of that, setting out a large glass of water on the coffee table for you. Your loud gulps woke her from her sleep on the recliner across the room. "Hey. How you feelin'?"

"Like I did several keg stands last night. Wh-how'd we get here?" The night was fuzzy. You remembered the bar, spontaneously going into heat, but everything after was vague.

"Dean drove us."

Heat flooded your body at the mention of the Alpha, followed by mortification as you remembered the rest of the night. "Oh, my god. I can't believe I threw myself at him like that." You cried, covering your face with your hands.

"He was completely understanding, y/n, and a total gentleman. Any other Alpha, you'd have been knotted, but Dean took you home, made sure you were safe."

"Oh, great. So, I embarrassed myself in front of one of the only good Alphas I've ever met. Great." You took another drink of water and started to look around. "Where's my phone? I need to call Dr. Whitaker."

"Don't worry. I called the Omega Whisperer as soon as I was sure I wasn't gonna have to call an ambulance. She'll be here in..." She looked at her watch. "About thirty minutes."

"Ugh. Don't call her that. Whitaker went to med school. She's a doctor."

"Well, you heard Bravo is after her for a TV show about her practice, right? That's probably what they'll call it."

You shook your head. "Whatever. Just as long as she can tell me why the fuck my suppressants just stopped working last night."

"Maybe because your truemate was sitting two feet away?"

"Oh, come on!"

"Look at what he did to take care of you! He doesn't know you, but he wouldn't let us put you in a cab. He drove us here, ran down a list of ways to make this better for you, then demanded I text him with updates. Y/n, he feels the connection, just like you. Even if you're both denying it."

You rolled your eyes. "Let's just wait to hear what the doctor has to say."

Dr. Whitaker, however, nodded when Wendy brought up her theory. "Makes sense."

"I'm sorry, what?" You exclaimed. "Don't tell me you believe this 'truemates' shit, Doc."

"If by 'truemates' you mean the one or two people of opposite presentation whose pheromones work with your own and amplify each other, then yes, but it's not soulmates... it's science."

"Well, hear that? It's science."

You ignored Wendy's teasing and leaned forward. "Wait, could this pheromone boost have negated my suppressants?"

"Oh, totally. Even if you hadn't been on day two of your cycle, you probably would have gone into heat last night, suppressants be damned. The shot I gave you should work to shorten this heat for you, take the edge off." Dr. Whitaker shook the bottle of Brazilian suppressants as she stood. "I'm confiscating these. Not because they had anything to do with last night, but because they are dangerous and if you want to lose your ability to ever have pups, I'd rather set up a hysterectomy and do it right."

You looked down at your lap. "Now, if you want my advice, y/n, and I'm sure you'll just ignore me because have for as long as you've been my patient... when you've got a chance, text that Alpha. He's yours, and he's good. He respected you in a way that's rare... especially for an Alpha who wouldn't have to deal with the consequences since he was leaving."

"He gave me his number so that I could update him on your condition." Wendy offered. "Which I should do." She continued, pulling out her phone.

"Get to know him. Maybe you'll surprise yourself." Doctor Whitaker said, tossing the pills in her bag and zipping it up. "And just a reminder, this hermit lifestyle ends once you've got an Alpha. Another reminder, you haven't had sex in four years."

"Thanks, Doc." You said, sarcastically.

"I have your best interest in mind, y/n."

"Yeah. I know."

~~~~

Wendy insisted on giving you Dean's number, but you didn't use it. Dean and his brother didn't hide that they were transient. They said they spent weeks at a time on the road and when they were home, home was in Kansas. You'd seen The Wizard of Oz enough times to know that Kansas was no fun. You were certain you'd never see him again and once again determined nothing about your life was going to change.

If Fate had a face, you would punch it.

Part Two

[xloveyouanywayx]

Day 4

I don’t know why, I started thinking about you and Rachel this morning. Obviously, it made me feel pretty bad. I just couldn’t help it. Will she be visiting you soon? Is she replacing me? Has she already replaced me? Was she with you for Labor Day, when you were supposed to be with me? Probably not. But at this point, nothing is impossible. She has been unable to come and spend time with you so I’m sure now that she would jump on any opportunity. What’s gonna happen when you come to Madison? Is she going to the wedding? I feel like now she probably will. Are you going together? What’s this weekend going to be like? Are you going to spend it together? Will she be arriving early to spend as much time as possible with you? Right now, I’m terrified of this happening. So scared that I would put my own healing in the line just to make sure it would not happen. If you were coming this weekend to visit, if you were arriving tonight, I know exactly what I would do. I would meet you and hug you when I see you. Taking in your smell and your body, I would just cave and cry. I would let you hold me, I would let you kiss me. I would let you pretend nothing happened and I would just dive, trying to forget that this is not real. I’d let you come home with me and I would feel the high of having you back after so long. And then I would be crushed again. I would be crushed as your hands run over my body, fully aware that this is going nowhere, that this is something you have chosen to give up. I would collapse as you head to the wedding to meet her and celebrate your friends love and commitment to each other, something I wished so many times that we could do as well. I’ll fall apart as my heart wishes to simply embrace you while my head screams at me to stay away and protect myself. If you were coming back today, I know exactly what I would do. But you’re not coming back today. There are 15 days left to your return and so much can happen in 15 days. 360 hours spent alone, reconstructing my life around myself rather than around you. Over 21,000 minutes to remind myself as memories come flashing back that you are no longer my future.

I don’t know how I’ll feel when you visit in 15 days, in 360 hours, in 21,600 minutes. Part of me wants to have completely moved on or at least enough to feel alright seeing you and then letting you go. Letting you go to live your weekend in Madison on your own, to see your friends, to enjoy life without me, to celebrate love with her rather than me. Part of me wants to still be hung up on you enough to enjoy this time together blindly. Not caring about the consequences, just relishing in your presence and your attention. I maybe even wish that I could use you and just be done with it. I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing but make you feel everything that you have lost, everything that you gave up when you broke up with me. I play with the idea of leading you on and torturing you a little. But I know I’d never be able to do that. I’d never be able to hurt you this way. I also know that I’ll never be able to detach myself enough from you to do something like this. I’ll forever be partly in love with you. There will forever be some history between us that will make our time together awkward, tense, ambiguous. I don’t believe we’ll ever going to be able t be friends because we were never friends. We would never know what to go back to. We’ve never hung out together without wishing we could touch each other and be intimate. Now that we have been, there is no going back. I doubt it. And I won’t let you convince me otherwise. I won’t become another Aimee or Rachel. I won’t let you make the same mistakes you’ve made before, I won’t let you keep a knife in the wound you have opened. I’m sure you’ll thank me for it later. Someday.

You liked my Instagram picture and came to the meeting point. It confused me but it also appeased my heart a little. At least, I am still on your mind, even just a little bit. I think I feel better. While the Instagram confuses me because it makes it feel like nothing happened, your presence on what’sapp reassures me that you too wish you could talk to me. It also means that you’re forcing yourself not to, that you feel the frustration and the pain. It helps a little.

The have removed the Bucky statues. You never got to see them. It feels like the end of a chapter that we started together.

I wore the red flannel shirt that you found and gave me today. I wanted to feel closer and I felt like this was less significant than reaching out. It felt like a subtle reminder of the good that you had brought in my life and how I could continue my life without you.

We talked about the Global War on Terror in the geography class today and I learned a lot. If I could have come home to you or talked to you on the phone, I would have wanted to talk about it. You were always so educated on these topics, it was so attractive. It was also very educational, it made me feel like our relationship and our conversations were making me a better person. I miss this in my life. I miss you.

I spent the afternoon with Saida and Iker. It was great. He’s such a happy baby, it really made me happy to hang out with them. We talked about you, of course, and I think she was holding back a little. I told her how her previous messages made me feel and I think she felt bad. She questioned whether you had been honest with me and if you were really this miserable and I defended you. I’m probably too nice. But I’m not angry at you yet, I’m just processing. I guess I like the idea that you are suffering to and that I’m doing something good by accepting to leave. And if you’re lying well, who cares? The result is the same.

I cheated and liked your horse picture on your Instagram. I know I shouldn’t have but you had liked my cookie picture just earlier and immediately after, you had gone to the meeting place. I wanted you to know that I was here, that I was still checking for you everywhere and all the time. I don’t know if that was a good thing but it made me feel a little better.

I watched a couple of episodes of Ink Master. The overall mood of the show made me feel angry and I had to stop. I also played with markers and imagined what tattoo I would want. I’ve done this a couple of times before, especially when I felt like I needed a reminder not to let you mistreat me. Then I had come up with “what have you learned?” but it was pretty negative. Tonight I wrote “life is a learning process”. I don’t know that it really says what I mean but it felt good to be wearing a reminder that all of this is teaching me about myself, about what I want, and about what it takes for things to work. Made it a little easier.

I’m glad I have already removed your picture from the wall, it would have been a difficult thing to do now.

Scotty finished his bookshelf. It looks great. I was glad he reached out because I wanted to tell him how I felt. It took me almost half an hour to write a text that I was happy with but I think it was an alright one. I don’t think he’s mad. Maybe just disappointed. It made me feel better to write it and get this out of my chest. I don’t know yet if or when I’ll reach out to him again. We’ll see. He’s honestly never done anything to be except being a wonderful friend so I don’t really see a reason not to come back to him once I feel more comfortable.

Tonight I don’t want to re-read my entry before posting it. I know that where I was this morning is no longer where I am today and I don’t want what I was worried about this morning to come affect my mood tonight. If anyone is reading these, I apologize for the typos and such.

[surveysonfleek]

820.

What do you wish you had more knowledge about?
 honestly, everything. history, geography, politics, maths, literature, science. i wish i had more knowledge in general.

What are the things you’ve learned over the past year? stop waiting for things to come to me. i need to put in more effort.

Did the last person to hurt you ever apologize? yes.

Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? nope.

Do you know your siblings’ middle names?
 haha of course i do.

What’s your biggest regret?
 not leaving the job i have now years ago. now i’m too comfortable.

Have you ever dated someone and regretted it? 
 nope.

Do you have any deep secrets?
 no.

How many?
 none.

Do you think people know a lot about you? honestly just my immediate family, my boyfriend and friends.

Do you block out things that bother you? 
 no.

What was your childhood like? it was fun. my grandparents took care of me while my parents worked until i started going to school. i was the youngest grandkid until my sister was born so i was pretty spoilt.

Do you talk about your past painful experiences or do you keep them a secret?
 i won’t talk about it unless it’s brought up.

Use this space to say something to someone (you don’t have to say their name). 
 i miss you.

Do you think you should change some of your qualities?
 not really. obviously the more negative qualities, sure. but i’m not necessarily a bad person. i guess i need to be more patient.

What does your current Facebook status mean? i never change my status ever lol.

Anything you’re giving up on?
 nope.

Have you cried this week at all?
 i don’t think so.

Are you alone right now?
 ye.

Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?
 no. i’m going to sleep soon.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
 i used to. i hardly talk on the phone anymore.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now?
 no thanks. i have work tomorrow.

Is anything really good happening to you tomorrow? nope haha.

Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you?
 no.

When was the last time you saw your sibling(s)? today.

How do you feel right now? tired.

Could you do a long distance relationship?
 no. especially with my boyfriend now, the longest we’ve been apart is three weeks. it’d be hard for a huge change like that to happen now since we’ve been together for over 8 years.

Have you spent money this week? If so, on what?
 yes. parking, petrol, food.

Do you like your body?
 no.

What’s the largest age difference between you & someone you’ve dated?
 less than a year.

What is something that upset you today?
 nothing.

Do you know what you have planned for tomorrow?
 working.

Are you happy at the moment? 
 i’m okay.

When was the last time you received a compliment? 
 idk lol.

How many people have texted you today? Did you reply to all of them? around five? i replied to all but one.

Have you ever gone camping?
 yes.

Do you miss the way things used to be? in a way. but it’s time to grow up.

Miss anyone you shouldn’t? 
Who is it? Why? no.

When did you last cry and over what?
 i forgot.

What’s upset you most in the last week? 
 the dread of going to work tomorrow.

What is on your mind right now? 
 work lol.

Do you care what others think about you? 
 only if i care about them.

How do you feel about the weather today? it was hotttt. i hate the heat.

Are you happy with where you’re at in life?
 nope.

[naturepointstheway]

Day 22/30 of BatB Lines Prompts: “Bring Back the Light?”

Okay, I cheated a little here and decided to just start using lines in songs too, to make life easier. Anyway, here’s the first ever attempt of mine at a ghost story, and in BatB no less. It’s over 3000 words, so that should make up a bit for any delays. And the ending is deliberately left hanging/ambiguous to let the reader decide on what happens next. 

@tinydooms - part of this was inspired by the discussion I had with you in the comments section of “Iron Band”. 

It is four in the morning and Cogsworth cannot sleep, having awoken from a rather nice dream to see it still very dark. He tosses and turns in his sheets desperately trying to get back to sleep, to drift off one way or another. He needs to get up before the dawn, and his sleep is very important.

Cogsworth tries, oh he tries, and he eventually just has to give up when sleep will not come. He pushes the blankets off himself as he reaches out with another hand, finds the pocketwatch on his side table, gleaming in the moonlight, checks the time.

So much for a night’s rest, he thinks, Maybe a read will do me well.

And so, with a lit candlestick in hand and a coat wrapped around his shoulders, he tiptoes out into the servants’ common area, so quiet at this time of morning. His candle light falls over the room, washing everything in an amber glow. The fireplace has dwindled down to a few faint orange coals. He sees what looks like someone crouched in a chair, but he knows it’s just cushions stacked up so. Come the dawn, he’d see a whole pile of ordinary cushions dumped on the one chair. He can see a couple doors ajar—Plumette’s and Lumiere’s—and he’s pretty certain they’re off elsewhere in the castle in an intimate embrace in some secret corner of their own.

The candle wavers in his hand, with his movement, as he ambles over to a bookcase—the servants had their own little sections on their bookcase. There was Chapeau’s area, his own area, Mrs Potts’, and even Lumiere and Plumette had their own (although all together, their collection came to a total of three.)

He runs his fingers over the dusty spines and the embossed writing, thumb tracing over the words as he trails his hand over his beloved tomes. History and geography and the like, all his favourite topics. What should he read to let him drift to sleep? Would the lone candle flame be enough light to see by? His eyes were not as they used to be.

Perhaps a walk will do me well instead.

Pulling his old coat tighter around his shoulders, the candlestick in one hand, he carefully makes his way out of the common area, taking care not to make a noise as he leaves. He is on the opposite side of the castle from the Master’s quarters, and surely he sleeps, but Cogsworth tries to muffle his footsteps nevertheless.

It’s the boy we’re worried about, he remembers, and his father even more so.

They had to leave him be, least they lose their jobs at the castle. If they so much as looked over at him, the father would know. He’d just know, as if he were omniscient. He wasn’t, but still safe not to do anything at all. Not even to pop their head into the boy’s room and check on his fever, for he had been laid low with one the last few days.

He’ll pull through, he always does, he’s strong of health.

Cogsworth stops short in the middle of the hallway, candle flame guttering, hairs on the back of his neck prickling. He shivers, and he looks over at the wall to check if a window is open. But this is a corridor with no windows to the outside world. Instead, it is lit by candles burning low, spilling weak, wildly flickering pools of light over walls and floor. He hears a drip of candle wax against the floor, the candle itself coughing out one more sputter and it is dead. His own candle still lives, even as wax is already trailing down like thick tears.

He looks around, he sees nothing out of the ordinary, except the one candle now gone out, wispy smoke still trailing up to the ceiling. He trains his eyes on it, the smoke nearly hypnotic in the way it snakes up to the dark ceiling.

Thinking nothing of it, he pulls his coat tighter, buttons up a bit more, lest he shiver again. His shadow pools and swirls and stretches around his feet as he strolls down the corridors, hoping a little walk would help him find slumber.

The early hours of morning makes Cogsworth’s steps echo, reverberate as though another pair of feet copied his pace. When he stops under a patch of shivering candlelight, his footsteps continue to echo behind him, like the past whispering the path he had trod in this small hour of night. He tugs his coat tighter around his shoulders, and hears another candle gasp in a sudden cold snap of air. Another candle blown out, grey smoke trailing into the dark.  And when he turns around, he finds he is not alone. For, much to his surprise, there stands the boy prince himself, still clad in his nightclothes.

“Good morning, Prince Adam,” Cogsworth greets him, “Shouldn’t you be in bed, resting?”

Blue eyes with pinprick pupils fix themselves on Cogsworth.

“I am.”

“You’re sleepwalking?”

“No.”

“But you’re not in bed, Prince Adam.”

The boy is stock still, at the edge of the candlelight, in between pools of amber. “I’m in bed.”

Cogsworth sighs—he has no time for this. He resists the urge to step forward and grab the boy’s hand, to take him back to his room, where he ought to be resting from his fever. He, ordinarily, would have, but the boy had become so cold toward them he knew this would not be accepted.

“Come on, I’ll take you back to your room.”

The boy doesn’t move an inch. “I’m there.”

“It’s four in the morning, I have no time for this.”

“Don’t take me back.”

Is Cogsworth’s hearing going or does he hear a hitch of fear in the boy’s voice? But the boy’s expression remains as neutral as ever, his mouth barely twitching, unblinking eyes still not wavering from Cogsworth’s.

“I don’t want to come back.”

Cogsworth opens his mouth automatically to correct his grammar, but quickly thinks better of it.

“You don’t want to be tired in the morning—rest is very important.”

“Then why are you up?”

Cogsworth shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“I can’t either.”

Someone must have left a door open behind him, with all its windows flung wide open. Was it always this cold in the hallways? Maybe it was the time of night that did it. He wishes he had brought his thicker coat with him on his wanderings. Even with his admittedly very warm, woollen grey coat on, it feels like winter still digs into his bones, even in the mid-autumn.

“I can walk you to your room if—”

“I have no desire to come back.”

Cogsworth can’t quite put his finger on it, but there’s something about his words that unsettles him. He hates things that unsettle him, suggest the world is in some disorder. He wants order, he wants nice, neat, parcelled answers and concise explanations.

“Don’t take me back.”

The older man stares back at the boy, taking in his stiff posture, arms at sides, his eyes unblinking, and he wonders in the back of his mind if he ought to have had a shadow. Cogsworth’s shadow is flung over the wall next to him by the candlelight on the opposite wall, but the boy’s is nowhere to be seen. Perhaps Cogsworth is just imagining things, thinking the boy without a shadow—that was preposterous, the very idea of it threatened disorder in his world.

“I want to go,” the boy’s voice drops to a whisper, “Somewhere warm again.”

Cogsworth frowns at this. “Has no one tended the fireplace in your room?”

“No one.”

Cogsworth remembers the still-burning coals in the servants’ common room.

“Not even a burning coal?”

“Not one.”

He shivers again. Really, what fool had let the cold come creeping in here? He made a mental note to track down whoever it was in the morning, once he had a proper rest.

Besides, he could use a fire too.

“Hmph,” Cogsworth vigorously rubs his hands together, starts marching past the boy, gesturing for him to follow. “There’s a little warmth left in the servants’ common area. Ordinarily I wouldn’t allow it—”

“I want to see it again.”

Cogsworth stops in his tracks, turns around, stares at the boy in head-scratching befuddlement.

“But why? It’s just a little common area. Nothing of any importance.”

“Take me there, but not there.”

“Not your room.” Cogsworth swings back to face the direction of the servants’ quarters. “Follow me, but keep it quiet.”

The servants’ sitting area is as eerily quiet as before, Lumiere’s and Plumette’s doors still standing ajar. His single candle splutters in the chill, but stays lit. Cogsworth waves his hand out at the couches.

“Take a seat. There’s blankets behind that sofa. It’s cold.”

“I’m not cold.”

Cogsworth stares, rubbing his arms vigorously, feeling goosebumps scratching against the fabric of his nightclothes.

“You’re not cold? I’m frozen!”

Shaking his head, the man shuffles over to reignite the fire, only to find the coals black and cold.

“Looks like the cold’s snuffed out the last coal,” Cogsworth remarks, “So much for that.”

He turns around again, expecting to find the boy wrapped in blankets on the couch. Instead, Adam is at the bookcase, perusing the available tomes on its shelves.

“Good idea,” Cogsworth approves, going over behind a sofa to grab a blanket, “Books can help you fall asleep.”

The boy doesn’t acknowledge Cogsworth, as if he never heard him, or just chose to ignore him. With how aloof he had been to the servants for at least the last couple years, the man wasn’t surprised in the least.

“Well, if you need a candle,” Cogsworth raises his candle up a little, “You can have mine. I’ll go back to my warm bed and you read what you like until you’re ready to sleep.”

But before he can amble off, blanket in arms, Plumette and Lumiere’s voices drift down the hallway into the open door. Cogsworth bites back a sigh—they would wake everyone in the castle with all that laughing and declarations of love. He glances at Adam—he still peruses the bookcase, as though he never noticed anything happening behind him.

“Keep it down!” Cogsworth tells the couple as they come sailing in, “You’ll wake everyone!”

The couple stops short, stumbling to a halt in the doorway, their laughter and smiles cut short. Their eyes stare from Cogsworth, to the bookcase, then back to the elder again. Plumette’s hand loosens on Lumiere’s, while the latter stands stock still, his face becoming several shades paler.

“What’s wrong now?” Cogsworth demands, “And where were you?”

It’s Plumette who manages to speak after several seconds of silence.

“We were checking on the prince a minute ago. We just wanted to see if he was still alright.”

Cogsworth, despite himself, can’t help but feel warmed by Plumette’s concern for the prince even if he had grown cold toward them. It wasn’t that they’d stopped caring about him; they just had to pretend they didn’t, for the sake of their careers.

“And?”

“He was asleep, Cogsworth, and here he is, still, in the same moment!”

“Perhaps you had check ten minutes ago? Five?”

“No, we came straight here,” Plumette insists, still looking shaken, “How can he be here too?”

“I—I don’t know,” Cogsworth admits, and stares back at the prince, and realises for the first time he can see books through him.

“Sacre bleu, it’s freezing in here.”

Then it clicks. It clicks so hard in Cogsworth’s brain that the man lets his blanket fall back to the floor, the same hand now gripping the back of the sofa. His candle flutters with his movement.

“It can’t be. I’ve never believed in such nonsense.”

His missing shadow. His pinprick pupils despite the darkness. His wide, unblinking eyes like glass. His stiff posture. His strange grammar when he had told him “he didn’t want to go back”. The absolute frigidity of the room and the hall.

Cogsworth swallows, hard. He has never seen Lumiere look so pale before, his hand white as he clutches on to Plumette’s for his life. Plumette, in contrast, looks, while shocked, a good bit calmer than her beloved. Much as Lumiere annoys him, often on an hour to hour basis, Cogsworth is concerned for the man’s state.

“Plumette, get Lumiere to a sofa for God’s sake, before he passes out on us.”

“Cogsworth, I never pass out.” Lumiere protests, but it is weak, uncommitted.

“Just get to a sofa,” Cogsworth turns now to the prince—the ghost of the prince—and sees he has turned around to watch in silence as they all took seats on one sofa, Lumiere in between himself and Plumette.  “You’re not real, are you?”

The prince turns, sharp, to them. “I’m not coming back again.”

“What?” Lumiere and Plumette say at the same time.

“I want to go see her.”

Cogsworth leans over to murmur to Lumiere and Plumette a quick commentary.

“He has told me as such before.”

“Before?” Lumiere echoes. His eyes will not stray from the prince.

“I met him in the hall a few minutes before.”

“And yet we’d seen him in his bed—“ Plumette gasps, a hand flies to her mouth, slowly turning her head to stare at Lumiere. “Oh, Lumiere, what if—”

“No. No, it can’t be—”

“So now you would mourn my passing.”

“What?” Plumette’s voice shakes, she clings on tighter to Lumiere’s arm, “What do you mean?”

The ghost’s hands tighten into fists. Is it Cogsworth’s imagination, or does the cold suddenly seem less frigid now?

“You stopped caring.”

“Never!”

“Never? You abandoned me.” He doesn’t sound so much angry to Cogsworth as…deeply and bitterly disappointed.

“We didn’t—” Plumette begins, but is interrupted again.

“You did.”

Cogsworth clears his throat, “We—we didn’t want to risk our careers at the castle—”

“So I’m less important than a servant’s job.”

“No!” Cogsworth can feel Lumiere’s and Plumette’s eyes on him as he tries to scramble for a better way to put it. “Don’t be preposterous—you are important.”

“But not enough.”

“It’s…complicated.”

“It’s not.”

“Your father—” Lumiere begins, but is interrupted.

“The castle is a huge place. He isn’t all-knowing.”

“We had to follow rules.” Cogsworth explains.

Plumette sighs, shrugs helplessly. “What else could we have done?”

“A smile. A word. A note passed on surreptitiously. I thought love was stronger than fear. That’s what mother always said.”

“We’re just servants.” Plumette whispers.

“I know better now. Fear is stronger than love.”

Lumiere looks alarmed at this. “No, prince, it isn’t.”

“Then why did you abandon me to my father if not out of love?”

Cogsworth can feel it again in his head, that same explanation, our careers are at stake. We need a living. He cannot, will not, bring himself to say it again. He tries to scramble for another explanation, something that would convince the prince—he doesn’t want him to die—and his brain refuses to come up with anything else.

“I’d trusted in you. Mother had trusted you.”

“You can still trust us to be here,” Plumette says, “We’re not leaving the castle.”

“The castle. But you had no compunctions about leaving me to my father’s will.”

“We most certainly did not,” Cogsworth protests, starting to stand up, but Lumiere pulls him back down, “We were against your father from the start.”

“How do I know this?”

“We—we did not agree to his method of…discipline.” Cogsworth hates, hates, hates the sound of a hand slapping a boy’s face.

“Yet you said nothing to assure me you were still there.”

“We cannot go against a ruler,” Plumette says, “We cannot make him change his ways.”

“I know. And yet no assurance out of his sight or hearing? I heard silence.”

“Silence doesn’t mean we like what he’s doing,” Lumiere says.

“How would I have known? Silence never speaks well.”

“Sometimes it was safer to be silent,” Plumette tries to explain, “Especially in his presence.”

“He had schedules, he was sometimes out of the province, and yet. Silence. Nothing. As if I never existed.”

“He could have known sooner or later.”

“So all it took was my father to take rulership to show your true loyalties.”

“We are loyal out of necess—”

“See!” the ghost points at Cogsworth, “Out of necessity were you loyal to me. And you used my trust!”

“Wait—”

“At least you have the strength to say the truth, Cogsworth—”

“I wasn’t fini—”

“It was out of necessity, you said so yourself!”

“He means to your father, my prince,” Lumiere assuages, “We—”

“I reached out to you when I needed help.”

“Your father ordered us not to—”

“Not to help. You were very willing.”

“We weren’t—”

The ghost offers a harsh laugh, grating. “From day one, you bowed under my father’s commands. Why?”

“We had to.” Cogsworth pleads their case.

“Even out of sight and out of mind?” He turns now to address Lumiere. “You and Plumette bend the rules all the time, and yet have to be caught breaking them.”

“This is different.” Plumette says.

“So it’s different for me?”

“You are the prince.”

“A prince shouldn’t be alone. And yet he is in a castle of people. You see why I cannot return?”

“Cannot return?” Lumiere repeats, “But you must!”

“I want to go where I know I will be loved.”

All the air seems to go out of Lumiere—Cogsworth is sure this is the first time he’s ever seen him so deflated, like a man who just learned of the loss of a dearly beloved family member. He didn’t find it so far-fetched, knowing Lumiere had seen the prince like a younger brother who trailed him everywhere once upon a time. The brother Lumiere had always wished he’d had, for he had only ever had sisters.

“But…my prince, you are loved.”

"We can do better, I’m sure of it,” Plumette adds, eyes and voice pleading, “Undo what’s done, and bring back the light.”

“Suit the action to the word, the word to the action,” the ghost smiles, but it is empty, devoid of any feeling. “Goodnight, sweet prince.”

And, in less than the blink of an eye, the ghost disappears, leaving nothing but an empty room, as though he had never been there at all. The flame on the candle on the table flutters, sputters, and goes out, smoke curling to the moonlight-soaked ceiling.

“No…” Lumiere whispers in the dark.

Cogsworth is about to put a hand on his shoulder, offering some form of consolance, when the man leaps to his feet, surprising himself and Plumette.

“Lumiere?” Cogsworth and Plumette enquire at the same time.

They stare as the man runs out of the door, and both instinctively know where he is headed.

“Should we go after him?” Cogsworth wonders.

Plumette is already heading for the door on fleet feet.

Lumiere doesn’t care how fast he’s going as he runs down the candlelit hallways and servants’ corridors. His lungs cry out for air as he hares toward the west wing, his thoughts scrambling to keep up with the rest of him. He swipes at his eyes with a hand, impatiently, even though he knows it would barely make a difference to how much he can see in the light of candles and the moon outside. He feels like it takes forever to get to the west wing, to find the boy prince, to see if he still lived. At one point, he stops to try and ease deeper breaths into his lungs, and it takes him a second to realise he was in the perfect spot where the moon and a candlelight threw twin shadows of him over the floor. He looks away, trying not to think of how he had always affectionately called the boy his “second shadow” when he’d been four or five or so.

Finally, he reaches the closed door to the west wing, and, with a great effort, he pulls the door open, blinking against the bright candlelight inside, peering around, heart in throat. He looks around for a candle, and grabs the nearest available one before he approaches the prince’s bed. The prince is no longer on his side, but on his back. He can’t tell if he breathes, even as he tiptoes closer to the prince’s bed. When he is close enough, he holds the candle up higher, more forward, so it catches Adam’s features. The candle flutters as Lumiere’s hand tightens upon it on seeing that the prince’s startling blue eyes are open, staring up at the ceiling. The servant forces himself to breathe, to speak.

“My prince?”

[glaceontea]

Need - Polysanders

I'm just writing this to get back into the swing of things, and it's polysanders fluff because what the fuck else do you expect from me?

Edit: This is over 3000 words what the fuck so much for a warm up lmao

Tagged: @starlight-sanders, @sanspie122, @80s-addict, @watch-me-introvert (if you’d like to be added to or removed from the tag list, just send me a pm or ask!)

Warnings: Swearing. Also sort of NSFW and implied NSFW scenes watch out kiddos Brianna's turning PG-13

Pairing: Polysanders. That's not a pairing but whatever.

-

Anxiety sat at the end of the couch, looking down at his fingers awkwardly. The others were all cuddled up against each other, surrounded by blankets and cushions.

Roman flirted with the others, receiving giggles from Patton and a very red-faced Logan in return. Logan deemed it necessary to remind them every other second how 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous' and 'prepossessing' they were.

Patton continuously pressed kisses to his both of his boyfriends, snuggling into Roman's side. The three were happily in a relationship, all without him.

But it was fine. Anxiety didn't care. He didn't care when they announced it, and he doesn't care now.

Well, that's what he wanted to believe.

He usually enjoyed watching Steven Universe, but all he could focus on was the sound of their happiness, the proof that they truly did not need him.

"Ooh, I forgot about the lasagna I put in the oven. It should be ready by now." Roman whined when Patton got off the couch and headed toward the kitchen.  Logan dragged him off to follow their boyfriend, leaving Anxiety all alone.

Nothing new.

"Anxiety!" Patton sang out. "Dinner!" He reluctantly removed himself from the couch, not sure how much longer he could put up with their endless acts of affection. He trudged his way to the dinner table and plopped himself next to Roman, directly across from Patton.

The other three happily chatted away about everything, not unusual for Roman and Patton. The topic of possible dates came up frequently, making Anxiety even more enviou- bored. He had no reason to be envious. And he wasn't.

They didn't need him, and he didn't want them.

"Right, Anxiety? That would be adorable!" Anxiety wasn't really listening, so he just halfheartedly nodded in agreement.

"You alright, kiddo?" Patton asked, almost concerned. Anxiety gave him the same response, seemingly satisfying the other. Anxiety, having barely touched his fully cooked lasagna, left the table to retreat to his room.

He just needed time to himself. He'd snap out of it soon enough.

-

"Come on, please?" Roman begged the dark trait. "Logan won't do it, and I'm pretty sure Patton would end up getting it all over my face. I'll make it up to you!"

Anxiety sighed, looking down at the bright red lipstick Roman had placed into his hand. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reject the fanciful boy.

"Fine. Whatever." Roman beamed, his whole face apparently lighting up. Anxiety brought him over to his bed, where he could easily apply it. He jumped on, crossing his legs comfortably. Roman eagerly sat down next to him, waiting for instructions.

"Pucker your lips, yep, just like that," Anxiety drawled, wanting to get it over and done with. He wasn't sure how he was going to be able to stare at Roman's pretty, luscious, pink lips- I mean his stupid face for so long.

He dragged the makeup across the boy's lips, leaving a crimson streak in its wake. Anxiety gently filled in the prince's lips with the red colour, making them look even prettier- no- dumber than usual.

Come on, Anxiety. He's not that hot.

Anxiety made the mistake of looking into Roman's eyes, who he found to be gazing right back. He faltered for a second, almost losing control of himself because holy fuck his eyes are even prettier up close.

No, he's happily in a relationship with the other two, stop it.

He shook his head lightly and finished up with the lipstick.

"Done. Perfect." Anxiety quickly capped the lipstick and pressed it back into Roman's hand. Roman smiled, his already perfect teeth seeming even more dazzling when surrounded by the lipstick.

"Thank you, Anx. Now, about making it up to you..." He trailed off, tenderly placing his hand on the other's knee. Anxiety blushed. Oh shit, stop it, you piece of shit. He's in a fucking RELATIONSHIP.

Roman leaned in, and Anxiety panicked. Oh god what if the others get pissed at me because this is cheating and oh god everyone's going to hate me even more now and- his thoughts were cut off by the feeling of Roman's lips on his own.

All self-control was thrown out the window as soon as the kiss was initiated, Anxiety returning it immediately. He craved this from any of the others, he needed it. He wanted to be with them, part of the cuddles and kisses and happiness.

He definitely let Roman deepen the kiss, going from gentle to steamy in a few seconds. He grabbed him by the waist and pushed Anxiety back so that Roman was on top. Anxiety wrapped his hands in the other's hair, and tongues were quickly clashing, battling for dominance.

But all too soon for Anxiety, Roman pulled away, his lipstick still perfect, if not slightly faded.

Anxiety watched with wide eyes and flushed cheeks as Roman left the room with a wink.

"See you later." Anxiety jumped in front of the mirror and groaned. Lipstick was smudged on and around his lips.

Not bothering to wash it off, he crawled into bed.

Too much social interaction.

-

Anxiety woke up an hour later, leaving his room in favour of the lounge where (hopefully) a movie or TV show was playing. He found the others on the couch, cuddling once more. He plopped himself on the couch, spreading himself haphazardly over the half that wasn't being taken up by relationship.

He, unfortunately, made eye contact with Roman, who smirked with his crimson coloured lips. Patton and Logan followed his gaze to the boy. Then Anxiety remembered.

The lipstick.

He launched himself off the couch and back to his room, where he vigorously rubbed his lips against his hoodie sleeve. He threw himself back onto his bed, groaning.

He really hoped they hadn't seen that. He would be so dead.

-

The next morning, while scrolling through Tumblr to forget the incident, he found Logan knocking at his door.

The teacher's tie was slightly loose and his hair messy, presumably having run his hands through it often.

"Salutations, Anxiety. I need some help with writing a simple quiz for my geography class, could you perhaps help?" Anxiety nodded, albeit reluctantly. The last thing he needed right now was to be around the others, but perhaps they didn't realise.

Perhaps.

Anxiety followed the teacher to his room, where notebooks, textbooks and random pieces of paper littered his desk.

"I'm just sifting through other tests to get questions, and I was hoping you could help. Do you think the ones I have chosen are good?" Logan handed Anxiety a small quiz, and he scanned over it.

"I think it's pretty good, there a few bland questions but that's fine. Oh, uh, also, the tallest mountain in the world is Mauna Kea, not Mount Everest. The answer is wrong. Sorry," Anxiety pointed out, hoping Logan wouldn't mind. Logan beamed.

"Of course! Silly me, I'll change that right now. You're so smart," he muttered as he scribbled out 'Mount Everest' and replaced it with 'Mauna Kea'.

"I wouldn't consider myself incredibly smart, Logan, you're the intelligent one here," Anxiety mumbled, entranced by the way Logan wrote so smoothly. Even his handwriting was attractive.

"Only an imbecile would believe you're unintelligent, Anxiety. You possess many good qualities." Anxiety looked up into Logan's eyes, absorbed into his knowledgeable gaze.

"And what would those be?" He asked sarcastically.

"Well, for one, you keep us and Thomas all out of danger. Another thing is, well, you're very pretty if I do say so myself," he complimented quietly, leaning closer to the other.

"I-"

"Trust me, beautiful, I know my facts, and that is one of them." Anxiety's mind raced.

Oh god, now one of the others is going to cheat? How will Patton feel, I'm such a horrible-

Once again his thoughts were cut off at the touch of the lips. Anxiety felt himself lose control, the overwhelming sense of Logan's powerful kiss taking whatever control he had away.

Logic cupped Anx's cheek, gently manoeuvring him into his lap. Anxiety wrapped his legs around Logan's hips, snaking his arms around the other's neck. Anxiety deepened the kiss, wanting more, needing more, always needing more.

Logan gave Anxiety access, allowing their tongues to collide in a race of dominance. Logan quickly won, unsurprisingly, and picked Anxiety up. He moved the younger to the bed, allowing the heat to grow there.

Logan took off his tie, it suddenly felt like it was choking him despite its already loose state. Anxiety pulled him in by the collar, not wanting it to end.

Anxiety realised what he'd let himself do and pulled away abruptly, leaving a confused Logan behind. They stared at each other for what seemed like forever. Anxiety quickly removed himself from underneath Logic, getting off of the bed

Anxiety left the room in a state of shock.

But mostly, he felt guilt.

-

"Hey kiddo, what's wrong?" Patton asked the upset figure on the couch. Anxiety shook his head and looked away, not really wanting to tell the father what he'd done.

"Well, it's okay if you don't want to tell me, but would you like to do some baking with me?" Anxiety looked up and smiled unenthusiastically.

"Sure," he said quietly, following him into the kitchen. He smelled the scent of chocolate brownies, his favourite. Anxiety always loved when Morality baked, it was near perfect every time he did.

"I was going to make some chocolate chip cookies too, wanna help with that?" Anxiety nodded and grabbed the ingredients while Patton put the brownies on a cooling rack. "You cream the butter and sugar and I'll do the flour and all that jazz, okay?" Anxiety nodded again.

He relaxed as he stirred, the simple motions calming him significantly. He soon noticed the music Patton had on in the background and laughed as the older gently moved his hips to the beat as he worked.

"Nice work, Anx, add in the egg and vanilla now." Anxiety did as he was told, mixing in vanilla essence and the beaten egg. Even he started to dance slightly, loosening up around his friend. Patton smiled to himself when he noticed.

"That's perfect, nice job!" Patton exclaimed, grinning at Anxiety like an excited child. Anxiety laughed and smiled back. A small smile, but it was a smile nonetheless. "Now let's combine them." Anxiety watched as Patton poured the wet ingredients on top of the dry ones, handing Anxiety the whisk.

"You can mix it." Anxiety began stirring happily, swaying his hips to the beat of the song.

"Shit!" Anxiety swore, getting flour on his hoodie sleeve. Patton glared at him teasingly for swearing.

"You should probably take that off, don't want flour to get all over it, do we?" Anxiety nodded, removing the hoodie and putting it on the dining table. He continued mixing, Patton adding the chocolate chips at some point until it was all thick and impossible to mix.

"I'll chill that and grab the cake batter out." Anxiety raised an eyebrow. "What! I haven't baked in awhile, I needed to do a lot!" Patton defended. He pulled chocolate cake batter from the fridge, replacing the bowl of cookie dough he'd been holding seconds ago.

He placed it on the counter and gave it a quick stir, eager to put it in the oven. He dipped his finger in to taste it, Anxiety doing the same.

Anxiety grinned as the taste of chocolate cake hit his tastebuds. He could just sit on the bench and eat the batter as it is, in all honesty. He gasped as the feeling of cold hit his nose, glaring at Patton.

He put cake batter on his nose.

Patton wriggled his eyebrows, leaning in and kissing him on the nose, licking his lips clean of the batter afterwards. Anxiety blushed bright red, swiping the remaining batter off his nose and eating that too.

"Yummy," Patton said with a giggle. Anxiety rolled his eyes fondly.

"Hey, I have a trick," he said. Patton watched as Anxiety grabbed more cake batter and swiped it over his lips, grinning like an idiot. "Lipstick, like Roman had the other day." Patton laughed.

Anxiety blushed even more when he noticed the other staring at his lips. He licked his lips teasingly, effectively removing the cake batter.

"You can't have it now," Anxiety teased. Patton smiled cheekily.

"Doesn't mean I can't do this." He grabbed the other by the waist, pushing him up against the counter. He kissed Anxiety without hesitation, not even giving the other time to worry about consequences.

Anxiety, as with the others, kissed back. The kiss was deepened by Morality, passion taking over. He gripped Patton's hair, playing with the soft strands as their tongues battled for dominance. Anxiety simply allowed himself to be taken control of, never wanting this to end.

Patton's hands roamed up and down Anxiety's body, leaving flour on his black t-shirt. Soon enough his hands found themselves underneath the darker trait's shirt, working swiftly to remove it as the heat of the kiss increased. Patton pulled away from the kiss, staring at the beautiful boy underneath him.

Anxiety had no plan on stopping this time. Fuck it. This was all he was going to get, he may as well enjoy it while he had the chance.

He yanked Patton back in, putting everything into the kiss. Patton tapped the back of Anxiety's thigh, and he jumped, wrapping his legs around the older's waist. Patton carried him to his bedroom, only stopping the kiss once to open his door.

Patton carried him to the bed and laid him down, quickly removing his shirt and cardigan before crawling on top of him.

"Are you okay with this?" Patton asked the younger. Anxiety nodded, staring up the other. Patton connected their lips once more, running his hands all over the other. Their tongues clashed furiously, trying to reestablish dominance once more. Patton began kissing down Anxiety's jawline and his neck, sucking hickeys into his collarbone. Anxiety writhed at the sensation of Patton nibbling his neck.

Their lips reconnected, the kiss somehow heating up even more, when Roman burst into the room.

"Patton, you left cake batter on the bench, are you- Anxiety?" Roman squeaked, eyes widening at the sight of Anxiety shirtless underneath his (also shirtless) boyfriend. Anxiety blushed bright red, guilt and embarrassment welling up inside of him once more.

"Oh- hey Roman. I uh- got a bit distracted," Patton said sheepishly, gesturing down towards Anxiety. Anxiety groaned.

Great. That was my last chance.

"I can see that, and I can see why. I'll leave you two at it," Roman said with a wink, shutting the bedroom door behind him. Patton looked down at Anxiety with a grin.

"He's always bursting in unannounced. Not always convenient for certain... situations. Anyway, where we were?" Patton reconnected their lips once more, Anxiety giggling slightly. All the giggles left when Patton started up with the hickeys again, replaced by small gasps and pleasure.

-

Anxiety woke up slowly, not used to being in someone else's bed. He opened his eyes to find he, a very naked Anxiety, was cuddled into (a very naked) Patton. He panicked for a brief second before he remembered what had happened, blushing slightly.

He knew that it would be the last interaction between the others before they all shunned him, so he chose to relish the warmth of the older trait. He tried his best to memorise Patton's face, the way he was somehow even more adorable when asleep.

Patton's eyes slowly opened, and he smiled a fond smile when he saw Anxiety looking up at him. He pressed a kiss to the other's forehead, who only snuggled further into his side.

"Morning, cutie." Anxiety hid his face into Patton's chest and smiled at the nickname. Patton ran a hand through Anxiety's hair, thinking.

"Anxiety," Patton began with a frown. "We need to talk about this. With the others." Anxiety groaned. He did not want to think about that right now. "It's not as bad as you think. Now, let's get you dressed."

Anxiety left the room in Patton's oversized clothing, holding the other's hand. Anxiety, being Anxiety, couldn't help but be terrified of the discussion to come. Would they hate him for having kissed all three of them? As well as sleeping with Patton? They surely wouldn't appreciate that, and it was entirely possible Patton would scold him for being so horrible.

Anxiety looked down when he saw Roman talking animatedly to Logan about something in the living room. Roman was in Logan's lap in one of the recliners, his back against Logan's chest as he talked.

"-walked in on them. It was really h- Oh, hey Pat!" Roman said enthusiastically. Anxiety could feel their stares as Patton guided him to the couch, sitting next to him.

"Anxiety looks adorable in Patton's clothes," Logan whispered to Roman not-very-quietly. Anxiety blushed, playing with the hem of Patton's shirt.

"Now there's something we need to discuss, and I'm pretty sure you guys know what it is," Anxiety heard Patton say. He continued to stare at the ground, not wanting to meet any of their gazes.

"Did you really do it?" Logan asked, looking at Patton quizzically. Patton shot him a look. Anxiety lifted his head but pressed himself into the back of the couch to try to stay away from them. Patton rested his hand on his knee reassuringly.

"Now, we all know this has been going on for a while now, and we all know we've been..." Patton trailed off, the word escaping him.

"Experimenting?" Logan suggested.

"Yes, that's the word." Anxiety flushed red. They all KNEW?!

"Patton's done a little more than just 'experimenting', Logan," Roman teased, looking at Patton dead in the eye.

"Well, I couldn't help it. He's just... too pretty," Patton informed them, gazing at Anxiety lovingly and smiling. Anxiety almost smiled back.

Almost.

"I have to be honest, Anxiety was the one that stopped our kiss. I would've continued if it weren't for him," Logan confessed, adjusting his glasses and throwing a look towards Anxiety.

"Anxiety?" Patton asked, squeezing his knee gently. Anxiety looked up at him, tears in his eyes, ready for rejection. "I don't believe I even need to discuss it with the others to know that we all want you to join our relationship."

Anxiety looked at him in disbelief.

"R- really?" He asked, almost crying. Patton nodded, opening his arms for a hug. The younger leaned into him, sobbing. Roman quickly joined in, cuddling him from behind, and Logan kneeled in front, simply placing his head on the younger's legs. They all exchanged glances, their eyes shining.

"Yes. I guess," Anxiety pretended to grumble, returning to their grumpy boy they all knew and loved.

For the next week Anxiety was showered with affection and attention, always being the centre of 'cuddle huddles', as Patton liked to call them. A lot of baking went on, Anxiety helped Logan with his papers and he experimented with Princey's makeup.

None of these activities were very productive, seeing as Roman loved to get lipstick all over Anxiety's face, Logan wanted to kiss him every time Anxiety corrected something and the baking... well that went about as well as you'd expect it to.

Anxiety was no longer alone, instead surrounded by love, warmth, and happiness.

[picturesinlove]

THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT: a *super* unoriginal ‘best films of 2017′ list

In life, we’re constantly asked what we learnt from things. It’s one way of measuring a completely immeasurable experience. Most films are built on this- ’character arcs’- how do they change and grow? What do they learn? (That’s not a negative thing, just the mechanics of this stick out when it’s done badly). With that in mind, I asked myself, from everything I watched this year, what did I learn?

THE BEST 12 ‘FILMS’ of 2017:

The first thing I learnt- films and TV series have become indistinguishable. It didn’t happen solely this year, but 2017 is definitely the ‘flag in the road’ point. Films are increasingly designed so they can be watched on a small screen with headphones, and most TV should really be watched on a big screen with proper speakers. And TV is sort of the wrong word. Netflix isn’t TV. I don’t know what it is. Just Long Form Storytelling perhaps? It’s certainly becoming less and less episodic. More and more feel like 10 hour films split into 10 parts so you can digest it better. So, this list is really the best 12 *things* of 2017.

The second thing I learnt- how you watch something is almost as important as what you’re watching. What headspace you were in, what time of day it was, if the room was totally dark, if someone a few rows in front of you was talking through the movie, if you’d seen the previous instalments in the series, hell- even if you’d seen the trailer. It all adds to how you think about the film. So, on the list, I’ve included where I saw it.

12. THE DISASTER ARTIST (directed by James Franco)

True story about the making of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, the best worst film ever made.

I cried like I haven’t cried in years watching this. I don’t know what it was. Just something about the last act hit me so hard I couldn’t contain myself. And when you’re trying to contain yourself BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A SAD FILM AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE CRYING EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU IS LAUGHING PLEASE STOP CRYING it’s really hard to stop. It’s a story of ambition, heart and following your dreams no matter what.

Green screen! Lovely green screeeeen! Purely on an aesthetic level, whenever they’re shooting against that unmistakable, vibrant colour I just loved it.

You know when films do that thing and show pictures of the real people the film’s about before the credits so you can go ‘wow this film’s so accurate and got that detail right’?? This does a version of that, and it’s the only one that’s ever mattered/will ever matter.

The real Tommy Wiseau also has my favourite film related tweet of 2017:

Seen at BFI Southbank.

11. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK SEASON 5 (created by Jenji Kohan)

The lives of the women at Litchfield Penitentiary, a minimum-security prison in upstate New York. (the annimalllsss the animalllls, TRAP TRAP TRAP till the cage is fulllll...)

This show is about everything the opening titles suggest- women, decisions and time. What’s striking about OITNB is the characters never serve the plot. Plot *is* character. It’s there to serve them. It gives us a framework to waste time with these characters, because ‘all they’ve got is time’.

Season 5 is brave in terms of content and form. There are thousands of people more qualified to speak about the content, so I’ll leave it to them. Form wise: Orange is the New Black is Netflix’s most watched show, and probably it’s major tentpole along with Stranger Things. It has a well-oiled structure. Each season takes place over a few weeks, each episode focusses us in on one character, complete with flashbacks that inform us how they ended up in prison. Season 5 tears that to shreds, setting it basically in real time over 3 days. When it works, it *really* works. There’s no looking away. You feel the grind of what they’re going through. It sometimes leaves them too much time to pad out and we get some boring side plots- but on ambition alone I loved it.

It’s the perfect continuation and accumulation of previous seasons in many ways. The characters you know and love are in extraordinary circumstances. It brings out sides to their personalities that you never knew were there, but fit perfectly. Where all the characters are situated within the prison after the inciting incident is the best use of character geography *as* character I’ve ever seen. Tonally the series has gradually been getting nastier and nastier for a while, but there’s a scene towards the end of this season which is so nasty and so long and REFUSES to cut away even though you desperately, desperately want them too. It’s raw. It hurts. It’s a scene the show has always been heading for tonally and building towards dramatically. 

Season 5 slots in just under 4 for me in terms of ranking them all- but it’s still damn good. One things for certain, 5 changed everything for OITNB. The game is different. 

Oh, and Nicky’s the MVP. 

Netflix.

10. BAD GENIUS (directed by Nattawut Poonpiriya)

Thai Heist-Thriller. A genius high school student makes money after developing elaborate methods to help other students cheat.

WHAT A FUCKING RIDE!! The most fun I’ve had in a cinema all year. More stakes in this than most ‘end of the world’ superhero movies. Genuinely unpredictable.

The filmmaking is so good it makes you forget plausibility is sometimes being pushed. Amazing set-pieces. Expertly choreographed. Form and content perfectly married. This is the best way to tell this story, like a Michael Mann thriller, a Steven Soderbergh Oceans-style heist.

Every character is so rich and textured in their own way. So fully realised. You’ve met them all at some point in your life. It’s whimsical, but painful and genuinely emotional when it needs to be. Never pulls it’s punches.

2 years time, there will almost certainly be an American remake… and it’ll suck so hard. It’s rooted in Thailand, the socio-economic situation of people, the time zones, the pressure to succeed, and honestly- just hearing it in Thai. 

SEE THIS FILM. SEE THIS FILM. SEE THIS FILM. SEE THIS FILM. If you take anything from reading any of this, SEE THIS FILM.

Seen at Vue Leicester Square.

9. NATHAN FOR YOU: FINDING FRANCES (directed by Nathan Fielder)

The feature-length finale of Nathan For You’s 4th season. It’s a show that’s difficult to describe without saying ‘trust me’.... but honestly, *trust me*. Nathan Fielder graduated from business school with ‘really good grades’. He offers outlandish solutions to solve problems for struggling small businesses. In Finding Frances, Fielder uses all the resources of his successful show to help an old Bill Gates impressionist track down his high school sweetheart. Trust me.

Nathan Fielder has accidentally and totally on purpose made one of the best documentaries of the last 10 years.

It’s funny how we remember things. Reality and fiction are blurred. Truth is irrelevant. What does real mean? Does it even matter if we remember it how we want to?

Laptop.

8. THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI (directed by Martin McDonagh)

A mother takes desperate steps to pressure local law enforcement to find her daughter’s killer.

Perfectly woven and layered characters. I fucking hate the phrase ‘the character arc’, but if I were teaching a class in it- I’d show this film.

A film about relationships, and every relationship between every character or creature or inanimate object is perfect.

McDonagh loves theatrical sensibilities. Nobody does grand, rich set-pieces quite like him… makes highly stylised situations feel real in the world he sets up.

I could have watched hours more of these characters interacting.

Seen at Embankment Garden Cinema.

7. BLADE RUNNER 2049 (directed by Denis Villeneuve)

Neo-noir, sci-fi sequel to Ridley Scott’s 1981 classic.

I’m not a fan of the original Blade Runner. I appreciate it! It’s beautiful! and groundbreaking! but I just find it so heartless and cold. I just can’t connect to it. The best sci-fis are amazing stories with really fun furniture (the gadgets, tech etc.) The original is too much furniture for me. In other words, I had no reason to like this one IP wise. 2049 takes everything that could have been interesting from the original and expands on that. The furniture is just that- furniture. An amazing setting that enriches and serves the story. Everything is there to tell the story. I left the cinema feeling I’d experienced something the way that everyone talks about experiencing the first one.

The most expensive art film ever made. I literally cannot believe this exists. I cannot believe they gave Villeneuve £185MILLION to make a 3-hour long, philosophical film that has no blockbuster tropes: no loveable rogue hero; no ‘off-beat’ quippy humour to keep you interested; no CGI extravaganza 3rd act; NO.FUCKING.SKYBEAM with floating garbage spinning around it that threatens to destroy the world and the heroes have to stop it before everyone in the world dies; no setting up 5 other already planned sequels in the franchise so nothing important happens in this one. It’s a rare type of blockbuster in 2017- one that trusts it’s audience is intelligent.

Denis Villeneuve really is the most exciting director working today. This is just further proof. Arrival (2016) still my favourite of his, but I’m almost more in awe of him for this. Taking such a well-loved franchise and doing something new with it in a way that still feels respectful of what’s come before. It’s his film.

The only use of Hollywood’s new trend of digitally recreating actors (ala Peter Cushing in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story) that will ever matter. THIS is how you do it well.

Gender politics (we’re gunna’ go there, SPOILERS AHEAD and I know my opinion doesn’t really matter or count for anything on this just thought it’d be silly not to bring it up, feel free to disagree, v. interested to hear what everyone thinks about this!!) Lots has been written about the treatment of female characters in 2049. Most apt example I can think of to explain how I feel- Taxi Driver (1976), there’s a cafe scene in which the camera lingers on some black characters for uncomfortably long in a kind of parading manner, a ‘look at how terrible these guys are’ manner... it’s very understandable why one could interpret the film itself as racist. I’d argue the film is completely aware of what it’s doing- it’s putting us in Travis Bickle’s eyes, who is a racist character. I mean, we’re literally in his head the whole thing, hearing what he’s thinking and seeing what he’s seeing... I guess what I’m saying is- ‘it’s a decision.’ It’s not an offhand random shot where the filmmaker’s own gaze comes through, it’s a skilfully planned decision to make us question and think about something, in Taxi Driver’s case- what kind of man Bickle is. The treatment of women in 2049 *IS* a decision. It’s not Villeneuve lazily commodifying women, it’s him saying a world where women are only a commodity is a fucking bleak one. It’s a world where real women have been rendered obsolete because the height of success in our society (the CEO of a large corporation), an egoistical white guy with a god-complex manufactures life so women aren’t necessary for continuing the human race, and creates holographic partners for everyday men so they’re emotionally fulfilled without having to engage with actual women. And it’s so horrible. I mean, is anybody happy in this film? Is the picture of the future this film paints bright? It’s a film about how the arrogance of men will destroy everything. And on a base story level, it’s literally about guy who thinks everything is about him... but it turns out to be about a woman. Perhaps it’s lazy for the film to make the decision ‘it’s a patriarchal world so all the women are prostitutes and are treated badly so we’re just gunna’ do that’, but I dunno’... I think there’s more going on. I think Villeneuve is too good for that. I mean his last film was literally about a genius female linguist being the saviour of the world and how a mother’s love is the most precious thing. Would he really do such a U-turn and make a film where the female characters are just objects to be gazed at? I mean- maybe?? If any other aspect of the film felt like it was the studio meddling with Villenueve’s vision I’d buy that... but it’s just SO his film. And I think he’s clever enough to know who the primary audience of this film is- geeky 20 year-old guys. He draws them in with the surface (and all too familiar) images of the female characters, and then turns all of that on it’s head. Just my opinion. Obviously I can never be completely impartial- very happy to be converted the other way. 

Seen at Picturehouse Central.

6. CALL ME BY YOUR NAME (directed by Luca Guadagnino)

Somewhere in Northern Italy, Summer 1983, Elio’s life changes.

Sun-drenched Europe, the smell of warmth and twirling cigarette smoke, deep blue sky- pure, breakfast with a glass of apricot juice and an espresso, the sound of bike spokes spinning lazily.

I wish I could live with these people.

‘Later.’

The rawest and best final shot in the last 10 years.

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square.

5. THE BIG SICK (directed by Michael Showalter)

A Pakistani-born standup comedian/Uber driver and a grad student strike up an unlikely relationship.

MAGIC. The perfect retort to use when someone says ‘all rom-coms suck’. A genuine slab of gold that’s as funny as it is heartfelt. And it’s just SO the kind of thing I like.

I’m unbelievably bored of films and just art in general that’s terrified of being sincere in fear of being labelled sappy or over-sentimental. The Big Sick says ‘fuck you’ to that school of thought and goes for it. 

Comedy, romance and drama are effortlessly blended- sometimes all in the same scene. And it never feels off-kilter, mainly due to the amazing performances. Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Ray Romano, Holly Hunter and the rest of the cast always play the truth of the scene- not the humour, the romance or the drama, just the TRUTH of the moment.

The perfect antidote to the year 2017 in general.

Seen at Aldeburgh Cinema.

4. YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE (directed by Lynne Ramsay)

Gulf War veteran Joe rescues children from trafficking rings.

This is a horror. And more terrifying than any jump scare, this whole film is populated by ghosts.

Deeply troubled, deeply disturbed. Beautiful. Precise. Scatter-brained. Focused. A violin strung too tightly, then played by a madman. How can something so stripped down and raw feel so symphonic and wholesome?

There are things in this that will play on loop in my head for the rest of my life. Images and sounds so seared into my brain they find me at the strangest of moments in a day, and I’m always left thinking about them for the rest of that day. It’s clever like that. Joe can never escape what he’s seen. 

Francis Ford Coppola famously told press at the 1979 Cannes premiere of Apocalypse Now - ‘My film is not about Vietnam. It is Vietnam.’

You Were Never Really Here is not about PTSD... it is PTSD.

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square.

3. LOGAN (directed by James Mangold)

Wolverine’s last outing.

I’m not a huge fan of superhero films. Most are fun. Most are also lazy. Few will survive the test of time. Those that will use all the tricks in their genre box and do something interesting with them, transcend- Rami’s Spiderman 2 (2004), Bird’s The Incredibles (2004), Nolan’s The Dark Knight (2008)... and Mangold’s Logan. 

So aged. So weary. Everyone is tired. Tired of running, tired of fighting, tired of living. Like three sharp metal claws jaggedly tearing through flesh, nothing is polished about this. Bloodshot eyes, skin like leather. He feels so much regret. Like most real heroes, he mourns those he couldn’t save rather than celebrates those he did. And it’s eaten him up inside for the hundreds of years he’s lived.

Here I go talking about furniture again... but every piece of furniture (superpowers etc.) is there to serve the story (and here the characters are story). Like so many blockbusters and superhero movies fail to do, this film is about something other than the furniture... e.g. how do you tell a story about dementia that gives someone who hasn’t experienced a family member suffering from it *that* feeling of sadness, loss, embarrassment, empathy and frustration? You give it to Charles Xavier (played by Patrick Stewart), a character you’re use to seeing as the leader, who always has a clever plan up his sleeve and has the ability to control other’s minds. You give it to him, and you force everyone watch the person they respected the most have to be lifted into bed while screaming about fast-food. It’s heartbreaking. Complex. It’s actually about something other than how in superhero world teamwork saves the day. Every ‘plot point’ and moment tells us something about these characters, even to a fault sometimes. SUBTLE: Logan pulling them jammed claws the way an old boy down the pub with arthritis feels his fingers. UNSUBTLE BUT STILL INTERESTING: making Logan fight the only thing he’s truly scared of- literally the version of himself that blindly obeys orders.

Everyone is SO fucking real. Just *watch* the way Daphne Keen eats that bowl of cereal.

Would highly recommend watching the ‘Noir’ Black & White version. 

mild spoilers: It also features the best single edit of the year, from Laura stabbing the shit out of some dude to a flurry of scattered drum beats in the score... then that piercing animalistic roar rips through and all is silent... she spins.... from this:

CUT to this:

An empty forest, the roar echoes out... a low bass note tolls like a funeral. Something is coming. Help is on the way, but it’s an untamed, ruthless, violent help. He’s near...

No one single cut has ever given me chills like that before.

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square & Picturehouse Central (Noir version)

2. TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN (directed by David Lynch)

Agent Cooper’s odyssey back to the small town of Twin Peaks. The original series of Twin Peaks that aired in the early 90s is often cited as creating ‘prestige’ television as we know it today- your Game of Thrones’, HBO high-quality, Netflix and so on... 25 years later, David Lynch and Mark Frost have returned to kill it. 

Earth-shattering. Groundbreaking. An 18-hour film (split into 16 parts) so layered, so complex i’m not even sure where to begin... and most of what I have to say has probably been written by someone else much more eloquently. 

For the first 9 hours, I found The Return mostly frustrating. I love the original series so, so much (and the prequel film Fire Walk With Me is one of my favourite films of all time). When I hit hour 10, it was like all the clouds in my head suddenly cleared. I ‘got’ it. What I thought I wanted was all my favourite characters back again talking about cherry pie and coffee with that soft romantic filter. Lynch and Frost (the creators) knew I wanted that. They also knew I didn’t *really* want that... because, the original series will always exist. They knew nothing would disappoint more than a soft reboot. The Return is it’s own thing- within the universe of Twin Peaks, and... within the actual universe. Seriously, how can you categorise this? It jumps from screwball slapstick comedy to silent black and white existentialist horror to 10 minute live band performances... what is the point of even trying to categorise it?

On some of the individual parts: Part 3 is a low-fi, surrealist, near silent masterpiece. Part 8 is... ‘Pure Heroin Lynch’ and has already changed TV forever. Part 11 is the most satisfying instalment, fulfilling storylines from the original series in a measured and poignant way. Part 17 is the conclusion we wanted, sort of... Part 18 is the start of a new mystery, and one of the most haunting things I’ve ever seen.

Twin Peaks will change you life.

Seen on Laptop.

1. THE FLORIDA PROJECT (directed by Sean Baker)

In the shadow of Disney World, 6 year-old Moonee and her friends spend the summer playing around the Motels they live in, while her mother Halley struggles to find a new job.

Pastel bright colours. Every person has survived a storm. Explore the wasteland of failed corporate America. Become a child again. The endless spinning of helicopter blades, a constant reminder of what they can’t do- escape. 

Doesn’t ask you to like the characters. Doesn’t need to. Moonee has seen too much. Halley’s anger at herself and her life bubbles underneath every word and action, but she just doesn’t know how to fix it.

It is *SO* achingly beautiful it hurts. I find it hard to even watch the trailer without crying.

For the problems that face Moonee, honorary queen of The Magic Castle Motel, and the impending darkness that’s sure to come, she has the most powerful gift of all- finding hope where there is none. 

‘See, I took you on a safari.’ 

Seen at Odeon Leicester Square & ICA.

DISCLAIMER- things that are not out yet in the UK/I shamefully haven’t yet seen and would likely be on my list too: Lady Bird (further DISCLAIMER i would actually kill somebody to see this) A Ghost Story Raw Phantom Thread War for the Planet of The Apes Coco American Vandal Mindhunter

BEST SCENES:

The third thing I learnt this year- it’s impossible to talk about a specific scene in a film without spoiling it. So... SPOILERS.

The Stairway Fight - ATOMIC BLONDE (directed by David Leitch)

If someone could tell me what the fuck was going on in Atomic Blonde that’d be great but until then I’ll just marvel at how amazing the fight sequences are. Charlize Theron again puts herself at the centre of the progression of American action cinema following her iconic performance in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). From the first time we see her, lying in an expensive bath healing her wounds and soothing her bruises, we know at some point we’re going to see how she got them. CUE: The 15 minute stairway fight sequence, made to look like a single continuous shot. Leitch and Chad Stahelski (his frequent collaborator and director of the also brilliant John Wick: Chapter 2) are determined to show general audiences what good action scenes look like. This 15-min beauty harkens back to the almost dance like hospital shootout in Hard Boiled (1992), with the rawness and determination of a Children of Men (2006) tracking shot. Charlize Theron (as MI6 agent Lorraine Broughton) fights her way through swarms of henchmen over several floors of an abandoned block of flats, all the while trying to protect Eddie Marsan (who wouldn’t want to protect Eddie Marsan??) Every punch, kick and throw HURTS. By the end, she and the final henchman are so exhausted there’s a sense they might just call the whole thing off- but something pushes them on. Oh, and there’s a 5 minute car chase all part of the same shot to end. Also features the BEST LINE OF 2017. In retort to the final henchman strangling her desperately whispering ‘Take this, bitch!’, she turns the tables, stabs him up hard, then before delivering the final knockdown, pushes her nose to his and asks- ‘Am I your bitch now?’ She doesn’t wait for a reply.

The Eyeless Woman - TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN (directed by David Lynch)

Lynch’s best nightmare.

Train Hysterics - LAST FLAG FLYING (directed by Richard Linklater)

2003. A Vietnam veteran recruits his two oldest buddies, who he served with, to accompany him on a journey no one should ever have to take. 

I liked this movie a lot- just missed out on the top 12 list. The standout scene happens little over half way through, the characters sitting in a storage carriage of a train talking about losing their virginities. It’s the best ‘characters uncontrollably laughing’ scene since The Intouchables (2011). 

The Snowball epilogue - STRANGER THINGS 2 (directed by The Duffer Brothers)

Stranger Things season 2 was super mixed for me. I enjoyed it a lot. Kind of. 

The first series is a perfect little story, with a perfect beginning, middle and end. I god damn *love* it’s characters so, so much. The plot was simple remixed 80s nostalgia beats, but really just a vehicle for you to get to know Mike and Eleven and Nancy etc. Think about how much each and every scene was practically designed to reveal more about who they were. It was so beautiful. Season 2 however had wayyyyy too much plot which was obsessed with itself and how cool it was and as a result left characters with nothing to do. In other words, in Season 1 all the characters had something to do because the plot came from them, in season 2 characters were given plot roles... like, explain to me what Mike did all season before he saw Eleven again at the v end of episode 8?? What did Jonathan’s storyline tell us about him we didn’t already know? Sure, they don’t have to set up who they are all over again, but the best sequels never take for granted we love the characters- they give us new reasons to love them. 

It’s clear to see whose storylines had natural progressions from season 1 and they knew where they were going, and those they had to think of something because Netflix desperately wanted another season quickly. The only original characters season 2 really worked for were Steve and Will. ‘Steve The Babysitter’ was the perfect progression for his character- him voluntarily discarding his Alpha-Jock status, seeing it was all bullshit, now his caring side comes out. Fuck, think how much you disliked Steve all of Season 1 compared to how much you love and deeply want him to be ok at the end of season 2. THAT’s good writing. His storyline was perfect for his character, it kept giving us new reasons to love him. And Will. Holy shit. His descent into Reagan-level possession was the most engaging part of season 2. Basically all of the story came from him. And Noah Schnapp is so damn good. I think simplicity is the key. His story was unpredictable till the last moments, when you realise it was inevitable. It has a clear premise, unlike most of season 2. 

In the first, there were very clear overarching premises from the start- Will Byers is missing, Eleven has escaped from the Lab, the Demogorgon is on the loose. Simple premises that allow our characters to manoeuvre around... Season 2 doesn’t really have one other than Will is clearly still connected to the Upside Down... the Mind Flayer doesn’t really start as a concept till the penultimate episode... Hopper and Eleven living together maybbe?? but we’re not really given enough time with them. Everyone else is left with nothing to do, or something that doesn’t really serve their character... UNTIL THE LAST 15 MINUTES.

The Snowball epilogue was like coming to the surface after swimming laps underwater- I sort of enjoyed the laps but I’d rather just be able to breath. All the self-indulgent 80s nostalgia *plot* is done, and all the characters have interesting things to do!! Steve giving Dustin tips dropping him off, and then that longing look he gives towards the hall. Dustin realising ‘I don’t look like Steve Harrington’ after being rejected by every girl at the ball and dejectedly crying... and in comes Nancy to save the day!! Genuinely one of the most beautiful moments in anything all year (notice how we learn more about Nancy’s true nature in this one moment that anything else she really did all season??) Jonathan nearby keeping an eye on Will and being his helpful self taking the Ball pictures. Lucas ignoring what the rest of the group think about Max and asking her to dance. Will actually going to the ball, acting as normal as he can and dancing with someone!! Joyce and Hopper nervously wait outside and reminiscently share a smoke as they did in their highschool days- contemplating on how they probably won’t ever feel like they aren’t worried about their kids... and finally Mike and Eleven just having a bit of happiness for once- actually going to the Snowball together, a beautiful conclusion after speaking about it at the end of Season 1.

As each moment passed in this glorious sequence, I loved the characters more and more. They aren’t doing anything supernatural or life threatening, but the stakes feel SO much higher than they had all season. It’s real. They aren’t shackled with ‘advancing the plot’, they can just be themselves. And I loved it.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:

Time’s Arrow, Episode 11, BoJack Horseman Season 4 (created by Raphael Bob-Waksberg)

BoJack Horseman has been the most visually beautiful cartoon for a while now, it’s breathtaking season 3 silent underwater adventure Fish out of Water helped to gain it much appreciated wide applause. Time’s Arrow is a different beast. Genuinely horrifying. A mind cracked into a thousand pieces and glued back together into something resembling crazy paving. The animation is disturbing. Really disturbing. The nightmarish images running through the failing mind of an old woman with dementia. Images of her regrets, the neglect and abuse at the hands of her parents. Memories burn and melt away like plastic in a fire. The faceless humans and constant scribble over Henrietta’s face haunts me. Beyond the obvious sinister imagery, it means something. A puzzle with too many missing pieces to really make out what the picture actually is. And we’ll never really know.

It’s not the first thing that pops into mind when you think of ‘cinematography’, but Time’s Arrow is the best visual storytelling since... the previous season of BoJack Horseman.

BEST PERFORMANCES:

Cate Blanchett as various in MANIFESTO (directed by Julian Rosefeldt)

Originally a critically acclaimed multi-screen video installation in which Cate Blanchett plays 13 different characters, ranging from a school teacher to a homeless man, performing artist’s manifestos in 13 different scenarios. Part of the financing deal was Rosefeldt had to cut a 90 minute, linear version of the piece for a cinematic setting.

NO one could have pulled this off like she did. She’s running on adrenaline and pure bravery. She makes interesting choices at every twist and turn. How does looking at her never get tiresome? Every jump from character to character feels genuine. She blew my mind- I knew I was looking at the same person over and over again, but I also *knew* I was looking at 13 different people. 

A masterclass.

Kyle MacLachlan as various in TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN (directed by David Lynch)

2017 is the year of staggering ‘multi-character’ performances. Kyle MacLachlan’s involvement in the new season of Twin Peaks was basically the only thing anyone knew about it going in. And he is the heart of this season in so many ways. Returning to a character 25 years later must be a daunting prospect, but MacLachlan shows no fear. Not only does he play the pragmatic, joyful Agent Cooper we all know and love, he plays his steely, pure evil doppelganger Mr C, child-like amnesiac Dougie Jones and in the final episode... someone quite special. And he makes it look so damn easy. He is the fabric that holds together The Return.

THE ‘KIDS’ in EVERYTHING

2017 has been a bad year for Hollywood. Ultimately though, it will be looked back on as the turning point. THINGS CHANGE NOW. The old guard is running from their past scared. And they should be scared. Uma Thurman is coming to murder them all. There is no room left for the Harvey Weinstein’s, the rotting core of top-down abuse has been exposed. Brett Ratner can fuck off with his swaggering playboy image and terrible movies. 

What is truly uplifting is who is going to replace them. A new generation of pure, true artists that this year has shone a spotlight on.

The future is Brooklynn Prince and Bria Vinaite, stars of The Florida Project. The future is Timothée Chalamet, whose central performance in Call Me By Your Name is the realist, rawest thing ever. The future is Saoirse Ronan, the next Meryl Streep. The future is Daniel Kaluuya, who has finally gained world-wide recognition for his stunning leading performance in Get Out. The future is Finn Wolfhard, Millie Bobby Brown and all of the kids from Stranger Things, who masterfully manage the horrific pressures of being thrust into the tabloid spotlight at the same age most of us just want to cry in our rooms. The future is Sophia Lillis and the rest of the Loser’s Club from IT (a film with the most oppressively terrible sound design ever yet they still manage to make it fun and watchable.) The future is Daphne Keen, the best on-screen cereal-eater who almost steals the film from Hugh Jackman in Logan. The future is Lucas Hedges, someone with rare human fingerprint over every word he speaks in Three Billboards and last year in Manchester By The Sea. The future is Donald Glover, the most creative, multi-talented young artist alive. The future is Caleb Landry Jones, who’s had maybe the most impressive year, with standout supporting roles in The Florida Project, Twin Peaks: The Return, Get Out and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. The future is Tessa Thompson, the best thing about Thor: Ragnarok.  The future is Michael B. Jordan, Chadwick Boseman, Lupita Nyong'o, all the team behind the upcoming Black Panther film, helmed by Ryan Coogler. The future is Barry Jenkins, director of best picture winner Moonlight. The future is Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Adam Driver and Kelly Marie Tran, the new faces of the most popular franchise ever. The future is Alice Lowe, a force to be reckoned with. Writing, directing and starring in a feature film is difficult enough. She did all of that while heavily pregnant. Oh, and it was her debut feature. It’s called Prevenge and it rocks. The future is Ava Duvernay, a beacon of hope- cannot wait for A Wrinkle in Time, which drops early next year. The future is Sean Baker, the most empathetic filmmaker working today. The future is Patty Jenkins and Gal Godot who have revolutionised the superhero film and inspired a generation of little girls with Wonder Woman.  The future is Kumail Nanjiani and Zoe Kazan, who I’ll follow in whatever they do after The Big Sick. The Future is Jordan Peele, the most exciting new director. The future is GRETA GERWIG, mumblecore queen turned saviour of cinema.

So, what did I learn this year? Well, Agent Dale Cooper is certainly one of the best characters of all time. But most of all: amongst the darkness of everything that’s happened within the film industry in 2017... there’s hope.

The future is bright.

[heroesmusings]

FULL NAME: Elise Opal Burke 

MEANING: Oath of God

NICKNAME: Doll, Lee, Lisey

MEANING: Bucky calls her Doll and the others are just shortened versions of her name

AGE APPEARANCE: Appears 30, is actually 111 (Don’t bring it up)

BIRTHDAY: May 5th, 1917

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Taurus

SPECIES: Enhanced Human

GENDER: Cis female

ALLERGIES: None

SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Polysexual

THEME SONG(S): I Did Something Bad by Taylor Swift, I’ll Follow You by Shinedown, Woman Like Me by Little Mix, Not with Haste by Mumford and Sons

APPEARANCE

HAIR COLOR:  Blonde

HAIR STYLE AND LENGTH: A little longer than shoulder length, most of the time wavy. She pulls it back for missions but the rest of the time its down

EYES COLOR: One blue eye and one green eye

EYESIGHT: 20/200 One eye is worse because it’s closer related to a snake. Though she has yet to tell anyone she literally can’t see out of one eye

HEIGHT: 5″10′

WEIGHT: 165 lbs

OUTFIT/CLOTHING STYLE: For missions she wears Other!Cap’s uniform that was fitted. When she has time off it’s alway Steve or Bucky’s clothing

ABNORMALITIES: Two different colored eyes. 

DISTINGUISHING MARKS(SCARS,MOLES): When on a mission she has a metal arm. She’s got stretch marks all over her hips and thighs and breasts, bullet hole wounds and knife wounds. She has Bucky and Steve’s initials and army numbers tattooed on her hips and later a ring tattooed on her left hand

SELF CARE(MAKE UP): Elise is very put together for missions and leaving the house but at home she’s usually cozied up without makeup 

FIRST IMPRESSION ON PEOPLE: Before the war, Elise seemed gentle and soft but after Hydra she’s become a bit unapproachable and distant 

SKIN COLOR: White

BODY TYPE/BUILD: Muscular band fairly lean

DEFAULT EXPRESSION: Constantly looks annoyed and like she knows better than you (she does) 

POSTURE: Fairly straight posture, has changed since taking on the arm and the shield 

PIERCINGS: one on each ear, nipple piercings .

DESCRIBE THEIR VOICE: Elise’s voice is gentle, a little on the deeper side for a woman but will make sure she’s heard despite how sweet her voice sounds

RELATIONS:

MOM: Rachel Burke

HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: She doesn’t know her mother, she left right after Elise was born

DAD: Paul Burke

HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: She doesn’t remember much of him before he went to prison. Her grandfather doesn’t like to speak about him 

SIBLINGS: None

HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: N/A

CHILDREN: N/A

HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: N/A

OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS: Grandfather (Oliver Burke) 

PAST LOVER(S): Unknown

CURRENT LOVER: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes

REACTION TO MEETING SOMEONE NEW: She’s polite but doesn’t do more than a shake of hand and small talk 

ABILITY TO WORK WITH OTHERS: …….if they aren’t the avengers then she doesn’t work well with them. She’s used to being the boss and it’s hard to change that.

HOW SOCIABLE(LONER,ETC): Sociable to a degree, again all polite conversation if she doesn’t know them.. But if with friends then very social 

FRIENDS: Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Other!Peter Parker, the rest of the avengers team

PETS: Basil, a giant anaconda

LEAST FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON: Anyone who thinks they can boss her around, anyone who is unaccepting of her sexual orientation

PARENTAL TYPE(PROTECTIVE,ETC): Protective, unable to say no

FAVORITE PEOPLE: Steve, Bucky, Tony, Nat and Peter

LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE: Anyone related to Hydra

PERSONALITY:

..WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THEM: ? Distant, Polite, Sarcastic 

..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY LIKE YOU): Excitable, Loyal, Protective

..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY DISLIKE YOU): Cruel, Biting, Bossy 

FAVORITE COLOR: Green.

FAVORITE FOOD: Waffles, Pop Crackers (Funyuns), M&Ms

FAVORITE ANIMAL: Snakes

FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Piano 

FAVORITE ELEMENT: Earth

LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: Brown

LEAST FAVORITE FOOD: Anything too strong on the sweet or spicy spectrum 

LEAST FAVORITE ANIMAL: Mice

LEAST FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: That fucking electronic shit 

LEAST FAVORITE ELEMENT: Air

HOBBIES: Reading, sun bathing, bothering Tony 

USUAL MOOD: A good mood most of the time 

DRINK/SMOKE/DRUGS: Drinks socially, smokes every now and again because she’s from the 40s OKAY 

DARK VERSION OF SELF: Unforgiving, cutthroat, skull splitting 

LIGHT VERSION OF SELF: Gentle, healing, loving 

HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY: Elise is only really serious on missions, other than that she’s very joking 

BELIEVE IN GHOSTS: Only two.. 

(IN)DEPENDANT: D E P E N D A N T WILDLY SO 

SOFT SPOT/VULNERABILITY: Talking about Hydra, Talking about her old universe, anyone targeting Steve or Bucky 

OPINION ON SWEARING: ……...she grew up in the 40s war time with Bucky and Steve -- it ain’t a pretty mouth

DAREDEVIL VS CAUTIOUS: cautious holy fuck 

MUSIC TYPE: Anything with a little swing, the “oldies” 

MOVIE TYPE: Documentaries just because she's trying to catch up on this universe

BOOK TYPE: ANYTHING SHE CAN GET HER HANDS ON, she loves reading!! Anything and everything 

GAME TYPE: Card games! Basil helps her cheat 

COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE: If the room isn’t warm she’s LEAVING 

SLEEPING PATTERN: For a LONG time Elise barely slept but now that she’s back with Steve and Bucky she sleeps well again, curled up next to Steve until he leaves to work out then she’s snuggled up with Bucky 

CLEANLINESS/NEATNESS: It’s the 40s in her, but she likes a pretty clean house.

DESIRED PET: MORE SNAKES MORE SNAKES, but also likes cats and dogs

HOW DO THEY PASS TIME: Reading and annoying Steve and Bucky

BIGGEST SECRET: Her fucked up eyesight is her biggest secret at this point and her fear of waking up alone, everything else is really out in the open 

HERO/WHO THEY LOOK UP TO: Tony Stark 

WHAT ANIMAL WOULD THEY BE: Elise would say it's a snake but it’s a wolf -- faithful to her pack until her last breath

FEARS: Steve and Bucky dying again but also the rest of the avengers 

COMFORTS: Anytime Bucky and Steve just hold her, sunbathing in one of the boy’s sweaters, the sound of her boys’ voices

HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN THEY ARE:

SAD: Elise is a private sad person, she bottles it up until it comes crashing through the flood gates, until she can’t stay anymore and she can no longer breath or hold herself together, it’s a violent sadness 

HAPPY: Elise jokes a lot, she loves teasing and messing around with people, she can’t stop smiling or laughing.. She feels warm and content 

ANGRY: VIOLENT, SHe tends to get violent, it can be with words or with fists (She’d NEVER HIT THE BOYS OR HER FRIENDS) 

AFRAID: Elise gets angry when she’s afraid, she gets frantic, her mind goes right back to the moment she lost it all, her lungs feel like they’re full of smoke and the world feels slow and heavy

LOVE SOMEONE: She loves them wholeheartedly, she wants to hold him, kiss them, make them smile and laugh and show them how good they are and how important they are to this world .

HATE SOMEONE: Elise ignores or makes sure they know she doesn’t like them 

WANT SOMETHING: …………...well…. She’s much more of a piner than anything 

CONFUSED: She usually brushes it off, chalks it up to just not knowing 

HOW DO THEY REACT TO:

DANGER: She looks to where Steve and Bucky are, if they’re the ones in danger she’s making sure they end up safe.. And if they aren’t she addresses the danger with CAUTION and A PLAN 

SOMEONE THEY HATE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON THEM: Elise would turn them down straight up sorry 

PROPOSAL TO MARRY: It would be a confusing thing.. I’m sure proposed in bed by one of the boys, laughing as they do because they can’t get married.. But it would turn into something she’d want even metaphorically 

DEATH OF LOVED ONE: Considering it’s already happened once, Elise couldn’t handle much more. It’d ruin her. 

DIFFICULT GAME/MATH/ETC: Elise gives it to Bucky or Tony to figure out 

INJURY: If she’s hurt it isn’t really that big of a deal. Someone else? FUCKING MOTHER HEN MODE, She was a nurse she’ll fucking fix it 

SOMETHING IRRESISTABLY CUTE: Elise would wanna squish or kiss 

LOSS OF HOURS OF WORK: She’d find someone to annoy with all her time off 

KNOWLEDGE:

LANGUAGES: English, German,, ASL.

SCHOOLING LEVEL: Nursing School 

FAVORITE SUBJECT (S): Anatomy and English 

INTERESTED CAREERS: Nurse.  

EXPERTISE: Combat, Communication and Control of Snakes, Manipulation, Enhanced Senses, Seduction 

PUZZLES: They aren’t they interesting to her 

CHEMISTRY: In the science field a little bit because of her new body chemistry but for humans, she’s got an eye for it.

MATH: Elise didn’t care much for math 

ENGLISH: SHE LOVED ENGLISH, she adored writing

GEOGRAPHY: After Hydra she’s an expect at geography 

POLITICS/LAW: Being from the 40s and seeing things first hand, Elise has a VERY strong political view 

ECONOMY/ACCOUNTING: Again the 40s a very strong view of the economy 

COOKING: Elise knows a lot about cookies because woman in the 40s but is working on making things modern and able for her to eat

SEWING: Again VERY good at it because of her past, both clothing and medical 

MECHANICS: yeah that’s a no 

BOTANY (FLOWERS): nope . 

MYTHOLOGY: none really

DRAMATICS(ACTING,SINGING): She’s a good manipulator but GOD SHE CAN’T CARRY A TUNE, only sings to make her boys laugh 

READING LEVEL: Top tier 

HOW GOOD ARE THEY AT PLANNING AHEAD: Elise is a planner, she can’t help it. She’s far too aware of time passing and the danger her boys get into not to be a planner 

ROMANCE:

DO THEY TAKE INITIATIVE: YES Y E S. Elise is constantly working her boys up 

HOW DO THEY ACT(SHY,ETC): Elise likes to play coy at times to be flirty but usually she likes to be pretty open about what she wants 

GENTLEMAN/LADYLIKE VS KLUTZY: Lady in streets, a freak in the sheets oKAY 

GO SLOW VS JUMP INTO: Elise and her idiot boys are the very definition of GO SLOW 

PROTECTIVE: ALWAYS 

ACT LIKE FRIENDS OR LOVERS: Both!

WHAT KIND OF PRESENTS DO THEY BUY: ELISE LOVES FLOWER PETALS AND BUBBLE BATHS so she gets romantic things 

TYPE OF KISSER: Elise likes it slow and deep, she likes to take her time, build it up before it explodes 

DO THEY WANT KIDS: ..at first no then yes

DO THEY WANT TO MARRY: She wishes they could 

MAKE GOOD OR BAD DECISIONS: Elise likes to think MOST of the time she makes good choices 

ARE THEY ROMANTIC: Y E S .

HOW ARE THEY IN BED: Well consindering she knew these boys before they knew her, she’s fucking MINDBLOWING 

GET JEALOUS EASY: Yes but she can’t help it she’s just.. Scared 

WIFE/HUBBY BEATER: U H N O. 

MARRY FOR MONEY: Nah.. 

FAVORITE POSITION: Elise likes either being in the middle or on top. Her favorite is when she’s riding one of the boys and then they other is fucking whoever is on bottom… she also likes it from both ends :)

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN ON THEIR DREAM DATE: a warm sunday afternoon, they’d take turns dancing to steve’s favorite record and there’s nothing looming over their shoulders.. It’s just them having a cute picnic in their living room

OPINION ON SEX: Elise really likes sex honestly, she likes the intamcy with her boys.. Something she thought she lost.