#Kaz x gn reader

[liliumsabyss]

In The Small Moments

Part 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5,

Kaz Brekker x Gn Reader

Summary: Moulin Rouge/Satine Inspired!Reader and Kaz go undercover at a ball only for things to go terribly wrong.

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48845809/chapters/123220936

Word Count: 5.16K

Tw: Angst and Fluff, Swearing, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Sex Work, No Smut, Mentions of Death, Forced Marriage, Manipulation, PTSD, reader called handsome but could be interrupted as in the old timey gender neutral way, maybe OOC Kaz Brekker, and Pekka Rollins

A/n: This is inspired by Moulin Rouge the musical both adaptations and the place. I imagine the characters to be more like 25 in this.

Early in the morning of Ketterdam fog hung over the streets, while most towns would be asleep, Ketterdam never slept. There was always laughing from a bar, hushed whispers from allies, the drunken shouts of yells, screams of a not so lucky passerbye, honey sweet calls from brothels, that was the barrel, that was the life you knew. You were awake at your desk running through the plans that a certain man had given you. The certain man who was feared by many, he had created numerous enemies yet remained in power, that man being the bastard of the Barrel, Kaz Brekker. And unfortunately for you the man your heart belonged to. You hadn’t quite been a dregger or a crow more like a person of select skills for even selector hire or in other words you sometimes applied these skills but only for Kaz Brekker. Not to say you didn’t get along with the crows, in fact you got along amazingly. They quite enjoyed your “refreshing” presence as they stated, the best term to explain your relation would be friends of some sort.

Otherwise you worked as a bartender and occasional waiter when it got crowded in the Crow Club. It wasn't anything much, however you always noticed a few extra gold coins that appeared in your pocket on payday. Many days after the Crow Club closed for the night or at that point what had been very early morning, it lay empty, Kaz’s companions off somewhere leaving the two of you in amicable silence as he slowly sipped on the strongest liquor on the shelf while you did whatever cleaning up needed to be done, many of times conversations would eventually spur. And then he found out about your particular skill set slowly once on a busy night you were waiting tables when a customer was getting a little too handsy with you after you repeatedly told him to stop Kaz was about to intervene only to see you grab the customers arm twisting it behind his body and smashing his head into the hard wooden edge of the gambling table breaking his nose. Most of the crowd at the table turned stunned, you quickly dropped the stuff off, gave a quick bow in apologies as you left, Kaz stood slightly impressed. Another time you had forgotten your key to open the club before the sun had even come up, you squatted down so you were eye level with the lock, quickly you rummaged through the pockets of your heavy woollen coat finding a random thin hooped earring you picked up on the street and a paperclip you quickly unbent the paperclip and pulled the thin hool straight as well little did you know Kaz was approaching when he spotted you crouched at the door however he saw you pull out the two random objects to his own confusion as you pushed them into the locks fiddling with the tumblers till you heard a click, you stood up and to the others shock opened the door, and then walked in. The third time he was talking to Jesper after the crow club had closed for the night and not bothering to care whether you were there. Jesper was discussing how the Landercrofts, a very wealthy family that were the head of one of the gangs, were having their annual ball in which the crows were planning to rob their vault during the party. Jesper had gotten his hands on false invitations and was stating how the dress code was black and white when you spoke up stating that the dress code this year was red, the black and white dress code was a rumour to set apart who had gotten invited and who was sneaking in. When Kaz and Jesper inquired into where you had gotten that information you explained how your connections made you quite knowledgeable of the barrel and many drunks let things slip. And the fourth time, was when you were carrying a glass from a table once the club was closed when you tripped the glass shattering at your feet Kaz who was by you when you tripped at the same time as you quickly belt down to pick up the glass out of an instinct. You both immediately reached for the largest piece when your hand brushed against his glove and he flinched only he really didn't. It was a slight twinge but less than usual so he tried it out again prying the glass out of your hands and once again he was a little nerved but better than he had with pretty much anyone else. So Kaz could only see one thing to do with your talents and would hire you on the occasion he saw fit which was becoming more and more often. Tonight was the ball that the crows had prepared for months for and the one in which you provided consistent information for, Kaz only saw it fit as you would be one of the ones to directly infiltrate the ball.

Hours passed by as you ran through the plans over and over again before you knew it, it was evening just a few hours before the ball. You frantically got ready scolding yourself for being so careless with watching the time. You grabbed the blood red outfit that laid on your bed for the past day delivered personally by Kaz. The brunette male had also delivered the red mask that was decorated in black markings intricately painted and sculpted; mixed with the outfit there was no way that Kaz paid for it just for you for this one event, someone had to owe him a debt for this. You quickly got yourself ready like you had used to, it had been a long time since you wore anything like this and you were glad for it. A sharp knock came from your door as you scrambled stuffing any possible tools you’d need into various hidden pockets. Opening the old door which let out an unpleasant creak revealed Kaz in a black and red suit to match your outfit.

“ Good your ready we need to go” Kaz let out curtly which was not what he wanted to say yet it was all that he could let out in the cold streets of Ketterdam where anyone could hear anything and take things the wrong way but for what he was going to say they surely would have took it the correct way. You gave a swift nod, looking behind him to see a black horse drawn carriage, Nina and Jesper at the driver's seat waiting impatiently for you two to climb into the back.

“ I thought Inej and Jesper were also supposed to be going in with us?” You questioned, confused at Inej’s lack of presence and Jesper at the reins in a not ball ready outfit.

“ They will be going in just not with, now if we want to be on time we must move.” Kaz responded as he turned walking away climbing into the back of the carriage you followed in tow closing the door as you entered.

Sitting on the plush cushions you ran your hand against the seat and the wooden sill that elegantly framed the window, you breathed in the stale air of the carriage the feeling, the smell had all been so familiar to all those days and nights it was honestly shocking you could forget it for this long. Kaz eyed you silently, watching your face twinge in familiarity however that look was soon gone in your eyes and an eerie tint of hatred flickered. For the rest of the ride you just peered out the window mindlessly. The lights from the mansion shimmered as you approached in your carriage many other carriages also appeared to be dropping guests off. The carriage slowly stopped to a stuttering halt pausing as the carriage rocked slightly giving away that either Jesper or Nina had gotten off their seats. The carriage door swung open, Nina holding it wide open. You put the mask on quickly looking over to Kaz who had done the same, his mask being black decorated with red instead, the inverse of yours. The man swiftly climbed out of the carriage waiting with his hand outreached ready to help you out of it as the carriage hobbled. Nina eyed the two of you in surprise as you took his hand carefully stepping down the wobbling carriage, lights poured carefully out of the manor barley illuminating the pathways that led to the large doors that were cracked and every so often would open letting light flood onto the party goers entering the masquerade. Kaz left his elbow out as you tucked your arm into it carefully so as not to look suspicious to other attendees. The brunette male held the invitations in his opposite hand, grasping them tightly. Stiffly walking up to the doors large men who had large swords sheathed in leather at their sides; ready to be pulled out against any threat to the people of the manor. The guards had displeased faces as they stood tall, intimidating, snatching invitations out of the hands of masked figures. Shortly You and Kaz stood before a guard who stood with her arms crossed and the corner of her lips pulled into a tight frown. Kaz stared at her equal in expression for a long couple of seconds before swiftly putting his arm up the two pale beige invitations decorated in gold swirls with hints of red trickled on them the women to the invitations inspecting them carefully front and back before taking out a wooden plank the split into two three quarters of the way she wedged one of the invitations between the the slit in the plank harshly squeezing it together giving it back to Kaz’s outstretched hand revealing it to have a red seal marking the paper, the guard did the same to the other begrudgingly knocking on the large painted metal and wood doors causing them to slowly open. You and the stiff brunette behind you slipped through into the manor. Laughter and music filled the air swirling around the stuffy air of the large ballroom, gowns splaying out from being turned by their suit and gown clad partners. Standing at the top of the marble stairs looking down upon the people down below, the shoulder that pressed against you that was tensed loosened slightly with a relieved breath. Turning your head to look at Kaz he slanted his head to you in return giving a sharp nod before you both took equally swift steps toward the stairs before descending into the madness of the ballroom. Kaz took a step away from the stairs and away from you his red gloved hand offering his hand with his other arm plastered behind him only then did you noticed the absence of his cane, you gave him a confused look to which he took a step to you whispering below his breath.

“ We cannot afford to look suspicious.” Kaz said lowly pulling up the leg of his suit revealing a slight gleam of metal which appeared to be a brace only letting it fall quickly before taking a step back to once again offer his hand. People whirled around behind him but you could only see him under the warm chandelier light that illuminated the marble floor and sparkling cloth.

“ Of course” You replied fondly to both the gesture and his comment, gently taking his hand taking several steps out onto the floor before turning toward each other. The song that had been playing had finished partners taking a step back bowing or curtsying to the other. The music picked up again with a medium pace waltz, guests flocking toward each other for the dance.

“ Do you want to lead or shall I?” The brunette in front of you commented fidgeting stiffly once again.

“ Eh doesn’t matter to me, dealer's choice.” You shrugged in response figuring that while Kaz offered he probably only knew one of those options if even considering his aversion toward contact. Kaz took a step closer lifting your hand which still lightly remained in his to his shoulders which he set on his ridged boney shoulder his hand reached for your side placing it gently and you grabbed his other hand raising it up holding it slightly below your shoulder as well as out. Kaz moved his foot toward yours, yours moving back in response to the waltzing causing a game of call and response in your movements. Your partner moved his head closer to the side of yours leaning in his mouth by your ear, you could feel a hot breath tickling your ear making a slight tinge of fluster.

“ We need to distract the Landercrofts, Alinda Landercroft and Jerad Landercoft are over by there by the fourth column from the window,” Kaz whispered carefully stopping midway to turn you a subtle gesture you understood, getting a flash of the pale couple in their 50’s, Alinda Landercoft wore a deep red chiffon and miniver gown that was adorned with ruffles while Jerad Landercroft wore a black suit with a red suit vest that matched the same shade of red of his wife, a large top hat stood on his head causing his short grey hair to sprawl out.

“ Their son Devlin is over there succumbing to his seduction activities.” The brunette gestured with his head to the blonde haired male around your age. He was surrounded by a couple of people of all genders who were fawning over him, him just giving a lazy suggestive smile to each of them. He wore a loose black top that cut low into his chest, a red vest tightened to his figure and black dress pants that were tight around his waist leaving little to the imagination a seemingly common theme with his outfit.

“ Once this song ends we should make discussion with Alinda Landercroft and her husband, their son seems busy enough.” Kaz said vaguely referring to his flirting where now a short haired person in a dress that had a very low bust and corset that pushed their chest up, rubbed said chest against his arm as you groaned in disgust.

And as the song ended the two of you briskly walked toward the older-ish couple who were laughing as you approached. You stopped before the couple you and Kaz bowing your heads slightly as the Landercroft’s looked at you in curiosity.

“ Hello Mr. Landercroft, Mrs. Landercroft,-” Kaz started as you internally sighed at his bluntness that was going to get you guys caught before you decided to interrupt him.

“ Mr Landercroft, Mrs Landercroft! Truly this gala is lovely, every year you never fail to impress me or my husband!” You exclaim in delight to them touching Kaz’s arm affectionately at the term “husband” as the brunette give you a wild slightly disturbed look at your behaviour to which you just gave him a slight unnoticeable jab to the ribs.

“ Oh well thank you my dear! But may I be reminded of who you are? My memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.” Mrs. Landercroft said jokingly as you all(except for Kaz) let out a slight chuckle at her statement.

“ Of course don’t worry I get it, I am (F/n) Casspian and this is my wonderful husband Kazmere Casspian. Between you and me he’s not much of a talker unless it comes down to business.” You tell them fake whispering the last part to Mrs. Landercroft in which she responded with a hearty laugh as Kaz rolled his eyes in response but slightly thankful you’d be handling the small talk especially with how much of a natural you were at this.

“ Same with mine dear!” She laughed out as her husband grumbled beside her as you joined her laughter faking it.

“ Now what did you say you did again?” She “asked” or in the world of the rich she was demanding you explain how you got into the party as people these rich rarely personally invite people more so often leaving it to trusted members of the household to invite people of popularity, opportunity, or influence.

“ The Casspians own that metal company. I believe I recently heard about it from an associate, I hear that it's becoming very influential.” Mr. Landercroft spoke up in a very “knowledgeable” tone which would have been knowledgeable except for the fact that none of it was true nor was it planted information just the older man trying to show off. Both you and and the brunette next to you turned your heads slightly making eye contact with a look of confusion at what bullshit this man was spewing to which you both just shrugged your shoulders slightly turning your attention back to the couple.

“ Yes and we were hoping to establish some sort of arrangement between our company and yours.” The brunette says to the elderly couple to which both looked shocked to see him speaking however you internally smiled smug at the distraction this provided the others who should be close to the vault in the eastern wing of the manor.

“ That would be great, son!” Mr. Landercroft said walking over clapping Kaz on the back was quite hard as Kaz flinched away from the contact, inching closer to you pressing tightly against your arm as you felt his arm trembling slightly against yours. You carefully snaked your hand towards his tightly clenched fist nudging it with your pinky in a silent ask. His hand slacked open in response as your hand slid into his carefully rubbing circles onto the back of his hand as his shaking slowly started to decrease as the older man in front of you ran his mouth off about his company.

“ Well son why don’t we all head to my office to hash out the details.” Mr. Landercroft stated hearty as he laughed, putting out his arm for his wife. You looked as Kaz grimacing when the others were not looking, pointing your head towards Devlin who was still wrapped up “entertaining” the people around him. The brunette nodded in understanding at your subtle gesture.

“ Mr Landercroft I would love to join however I must leave my husband up to this, an old acquaintance of mine appears to be here and I’ve never been good at business.” You speak in fake regret towards the couple furrowing your eyebrows together and letting out a tight lipped smile. The couple nodded in understanding of your statement. You turned to Kaz one of your hands still holding his slightly trembling one, you carefully grabbed his other hand with your free one looking at him for any resistance to which you received none you gently raised both his towards each other raising them to your mouth as you bowed your head maintaining eye contact with him lightly brushing your lips against his gloved hands the thick cotton rough under your lips as you placed a soft kiss on them. Kaz's eyes only widened slightly as the corners of his lips threatened to twitch into a warm small smile so faintly you may not have even realised nothing like his manic and greedy smile but a smile that held whatever pieces of his heart had been left. And so you let him go which caused a faint tug at your own heart as you watched him leave with the couple, your eyes trailing him as much as you could before he completely disappeared through the crowd. You turned back to the people whirling in endless mindless circles in lavish gowns and suits. This is the life they know and for most of them all they’ve known but it was also a life you knew, you knew it in the twisted behind closed doors way. And so you skimmed the crowd following it all the way to the blonde man who leaned in close to one of the people that was crowded around him a inch distance from their face with a smirk on his. You made up your mind and decided you would distract him yourself to avoid suspicion of just standing in the open unmoving, unamused. So you walk up to the male swaying your hips slightly, an innocent smile that holds a slight suggestiveness undertone to it cringing internally. The blonde's eyes turned wide for a second before his entire face turned into a smirk as he stopped leaning against the pillar standing straight up, his arms still crossed.

“ Well hello,” Devlin stated seductively(?), more like an attempt to be seductive to which you internally groaned with disgust. But regardless of how cringe worthy it felt you went along with it looking way in fake flusteredness.

“ Hello,” You replied meekly, crying internally at how awful the situation was. The blonde just continued to smirk as he took a step towards you.

“ Well what caused you to wander over here love.” The man replied teasingly and unfortunately for him horribly unattractive. And so your fake waltz began with your “subtle flirting” and his prowling responses. Many of the people who had been fawning over him had walked away with their noses high in the air, scoffing, at your presence it certainly hadn’t been the first time you experienced this but hopefully would be the last. And so your little dance began with slight touches, suggestive innocent sentences, and so on, all part of your careful scheme of distraction. And oh how you dreaded it weaving a web around the playboy who only expected you to be an innocent party-goer who had been entranced by him not a thief who took the role upon themself to protect the man and friends they had come to adore.

“ Well darling how about we head to somewhere more private.” The blonde said his voice dropping as he pressed his mouth against your ear, you having to clench your fingernails into your palm to resist the urge to push him away. But of course you had a role to play and so you’d play it. Your lips turned into a slight pout as you spoke up.

“ Well could we have one dance…first?” You trailed off hugging his arm, an obnoxious move but one that charmed him and most likely only his lips turned into a gentle smile.

“ Why of course.” He responded lightly as he reached his out for yours ready for you to grasp it. You of course did as the two of you walked out into the centre which had just concluded the previous dance, some couples fled to the side, some stayed and some joined. All on the floor stayed perfectly still as they were in their spots until the musicians started to play. It was a medium paced dance and one you knew well. You sighed in relief at the fact you knew the dance and one that you knew well but not only that the dance was one in which you switched partners for a large portion of it in the middle meaning you could get a break from Devlin, what a relief that would be. Your whirling and steps began him sweeping you through the other couples narrowly missing one another, Devlin holding you to him as tight as he possibly could. You on the other hand were mentally counting down the seconds till you would get to switch partners. Then finally what felt like forever you spun away only to be caught by what you’d hoped was anyone better than him. You were wrong. The man in front of you had his hair gelled matching his thick beard and moustache, his eyes stared coldly into you, a smirk upon his lips. You knew the man, you knew him very well and you hated him, you hated him for yourself, for the people he’s hurt, and for Kaz. But there he was in front of you smirking your dance partner, any sliver of hope you’d had. He didn't recognize you went out the window when you came face to face with him.

“ Rollins.” You spat at him, your face seething with anger.

“ (Y/n)” He responded back with that stupid greedy smirk on his face causing you to roll your eyes.

“ You are looking as great as ever, tell me have you taken a visit back yet since your little runaway stunt.” He commented, the words rolling off his tongue in a fake syrupy sweetness. You gritted your teeth together as you stared at his cold gaze with one equally of coldness, possibly even more.

“ Do not even speak of that to me.” You hissed at him hating how one of his hands rested on your waist and the other touching your hand, but most of all you hated how you had to continue this charade with the man, the man that the person you cared for had despised.

“ Oh you mean the Red Windmill or Ryker Knox because both are missing their shining diamond terribly,” He started your face twisting briefly into horror before going back to being enraged “ You know nobody would have ever thought you would have run away from the man much less to the bastard of the barrel.”

“ What are you talking about?” You state sharply trying to feign ignorance in masking your terror that you might’ve put a larger target on Kaz’s back.

“ Oh you know what I’m talking about, I know you quite fancy that bastard but what would dear old Ryker say about that…” He trailed off getting closer, his voice dropping lowly.

“ If you dare do something-” You began to threaten before he clicked his tongue interrupting you.

“ Well for starters I could order my men to go capture them right now don’t think I don’t know about your little heist,” he interrupted now finally so close he was whispering in your ear as you shuddered in fear at the fact you knew why all the guards looked vaguely familiar they had been Rollins in disguise of course they had, “ or you could listen to me and your dear bastard and his group of misfits will go free unharmed, accomplishing their heist, and you won’t be dragged back to Knox.”

“ What do you want?” You said out of your clenched teeth to him terrified at his threat. You couldn’t let them be caught if you could’ve done something to avoid it and you certainly wouldn't, no you couldn’t allow yourself to be dragged back to that awful awful man. You would allow yourself to take your very last breath before you’d ever go back to him willingly or unwilling. Pekka only smirked in response from the little you had seen of him pulling away from your ear for a slight moment before leaning back.

“ To leave with me. You are to leave with me and work for me,” He started as you raised your eyebrow at why he’d possibly want you, you could offer up a decent set of skills but none he needed unless it had to do with your prior “occupation” in which you’d rather die however if thats what would save your friends and your livelihood so be it. But then the man continued, “ And when you do so, when the bastard comes for you, you will tell him no, you will reject the boy and you will break his heart.”

“ Is there anything else?” You let out monotonous, staring ahead blankly ignoring the man's disgustingly hot breath against your ear before pulling away doing the turn the dance required only to slam back into him. You hadn’t questioned his condition, you knew Kaz wouldn’t come for you, and you couldn’t even blame him for it how could you, it wasn’t going to break his heart that the bartender who had some extra abilities would end up going with Pekka Rollins his enemy sure it would piss him off in terms of loyalty but break his heart no, no it wouldn’t. But of course you couldn’t fathom how much it actually would, how would you when the only time the man would let his heart bleed for you was in the moments you’d blink and for those split milliseconds his gaze would soften when it wandered to you, or when the early hours of the morning when even the crows of Ketterdam slept but he’d be the only person up his mind drifting to you so quietly, or in crowded rooms when he could pick out your voice out , out of the many drinking it in memorising it ever so thoroughly, or maybe it was when he’d watch you clean the club late at night after closing and he‘d get to indulge at letting your name roll off his tongue not having to fear the world hearing, so yes how would you know when he loved you in the quiet moments, moments of time no one in the world could detect in his terror of someone finding out. And yet he failed.

“ All you will need to do is sit there and look handsome, with the possibility of obtaining information.” He responded back his voice slick with victory his words slithering like a snake into your ear but it wasn’t words of temptation he whispered it was venom it was the venom of the life you could not live it was the venom that would kill your livelihood, kill your soul, and ultimately kill you. But it wasn’t a choice it was a sword and a vial of poison it was death for you either way one would be slow and painful, guilt, shame, and hatred would be one or the other where only you would suffer completely it would take a bit of time to kick in but only you would be harmed without having to worry about the others. And so your choice was made you acting as your own executioner.

“ I will do it, but only if you agree that they will go successfully with the heist and you will not do anything to them directly or indirectly.” You said firmly making your final stand refusing to let any loopholes get through for your effort.

“ Fine, I agree. Let us go.” he said, grabbing your wrist harshly, twisting it a little bit as he dragged you to the door as you attempted to keep looking back a few times desperately as a final last hope that one of the crows may be there but of course this was reality they were not. And so you were dragged out into the dark night by the monster who was to cage you once again. The stars and sky of Ketterdam had never looked as cold and dull as they did tonight but you attempted to ignored them as you got into the dark carriage not caring to look around just staring blankly into the void of the night, the lights of the manor disappearing behind you and the weight of what you had just agreed to started consuming you into the void of the night.

[swanimagines]

A MISTAKE | KAZ BREKKER

Summary: Imagine doing an unsuccessful heist and Kaz taking it out on you.

The heist hadn't gone as planned. It was no one's fault, you had just been incredibly unlucky, but Kaz was still enraged at everyone and looking for a guilty one, accusing everyone on their turn before you stepped in.

"Kaz, stop it." You sighed, wrapping your arms around yourself. "We could have done nothing otherwise. Sometimes these things happen, it isn't anyone's fault. You made a brilliant plan, we all tried to follow it-"

"No," Kaz grumbled, glaring at you in turn. "A mistake like this can't happen without someone taking responsibility. You weren't much of an use either, or what were you doing there at the hallway when guards were rushing towards us? We could have hid, but you gave us away before we could. I blame you all the same for this failure!" He shouted, his eyes flashing dangerously.

Your face dropped at Kaz's words and you took a step back from him. His hands clenched around his cane as he glared at you.

"I didn't do anything wrong," you mumbled, trying to hold his gaze.

He snorted and turned away from you. "Yes, you did. This wasn't your first job, so why the hell did you think you could get away with going solo there?!"

You rolled your eyes, clenching your jaw. "I had to! They could have reached us and killed us all if I didn't slow them down!"

Kaz scoffed. "If you would have followed the plan, we could have had an opportunity to hide!"

"No," you shook your head quickly. "They knew exactly where we were, they would have surrounded us and either imprisoned us or killed us! For your information, I saved our lives so thank you so much for your fucking gratitude!"

"Kaz, they're right, we could have-" Jesper tried to intervene but Kaz interrupted him.

"This is between me and them, keep your mouth shut!" Kaz growled.

"Hey, let's just all take some time to calm down." Wylan murmured as he carefully approached you but Kaz still hadn't stopped.

"You're of no use," he snarled at you. "We don't need people like you during heists, maybe you should take up the broom instead or stay in your room, out of sight."

"Kaz!" Inej scolded him while the rest of the Crows stood dumbfounded, staring at Kaz in shock.

Your eyes became glossy, tears threatening to spill over. But Kaz still didn't seem to care. So you turned around and sprinted towards the Slat, letting the cold wind bite your face as your tears finally began cascading over your cheeks.

The Crows stood there for a while, seeing you disappearing to the crowd. Then they all laid disappointed looks at Kaz.

"Happy now?" Nina sighed and started walking faster, with no doubt of wanting to offer a listening ear for your once again broken heart.

They all knew you both had feelings for each other, but you didn't deserve to be treated like this by him. Kaz was usually cool and collected, but his conflicted feelings for you merged with frustration was never pretty to watch. But this was something worse than your usual bickerings, and Inej noticed the slight flash of regret in Kaz's eyes. He hid it incredibly well, but it was still there. She'd pop by his window in the morning and talk him into apologising to you like so many times before - you deserved to know he still cared about you, even when you had fights like these. She was just concerned about how many fights would you take before giving up on him...

---

Inej's presence floated in the air early in the morning. Sun had barely risen, and Kaz had once again stayed awake the whole night. You had usually made him sleep a little, even take a nap. Telling him his brains would be able to work harder if he slept and he wouldn't feel so frustrated.

But yesterday, from obvious reasons, you hadn't come to talk him into going into bed for a little while. It had felt weird, but Kaz knew the reason. Nina had taken food with her at the evening and headed towards your room, laying a glare at Kaz as she passed him but didn't say anything.

Kaz had sensed Inej long before the shadow passed his desk and Inej's soft steps approached him.

"Kaz," she sighed. "You owe them an apology."

Kaz ignored her. "What time is it?"

"Early."

"Is anyone else awake yet? We need to start working on a new plan."

"No. We need to talk about your fight yesterday with a certain Dreg."

"Why?" Kaz asked, irritated.

"When will you go and apologise to them?"

"There's nothing to apologise for."

"You had them cry in Nina's arms for an hour. Nina had to help them to fall asleep. So yes, you do have something to apologise for."

"It's fine, Inej."

"I'm serious, Kaz."

"They'll get over it."

"If you want them to hate you forever."

"They already hate me," Kaz muttered.

Inej sighed, staring at Kaz for a moment. Kaz ignored her accusatory look and just continued working with the plan. Suddenly, Inej's hand appeared on his way.

"Saints, Kaz!" she exclaimed suddenly and Kaz's eyes met hers for the first time today. "You need to think about their feelings for once."

"I don't have time to think about whether someone gets hurt from things I say, in the Barrel, you have to be tough and if you aren't, you're screwed." He huffed.

Inej sighed. "We all know you care about them more than you care about the rest of us. We know you have feelings for them."

Kaz paused then, letting a long breath through his nose. "I don't have feelings for them."

"You do. We all have seen how you look at each other. Nina has heard your heart when you look at them. You both are just so stubborn and won't act for it. It's getting ridiculous."

"It's not like that."

"You say it's not like that, but still everything points the other way."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Kaz growled, his fingers tapping the desk.

Inej groaned. "Kaz, you know you want to go to apologise. Swallow your pride for once.."

He huffed. "Dirtyhands being soft for someone doesn't fit the picture."

Inej laughed and rolled her eyes. "I know that while living in the Barrel and being a crime boss, it's necessary. But I know you. This is just petty, and you don't want to lose them. Go apologise. Or I'll drag you there."

Kaz looked at Inej for a moment longer before he took a big breath in and stood up. "Fine," he grumbled, "I'll go talk to them."

---

Kaz didn't know how long exactly he had stood in front of your room. He couldn't help but think that you would be too angry at him to speak - and Inej's claim of you having feelings for him.

It wasn't possible. Kaz's feelings for you were hardly possible, so yours would be even less. And you'd deserve someone better than him anyway.

Kaz tried to convince himself of this, but a little voice echoed at the back of his head.

What if they do like you back?

He stared at your door for a moment longer before finally bringing himself to knock.

A groan was heard and then your groggy voice, "Coming..."

The door opened and Kaz's heart started to beat faster the moment he saw you. You squinted your eyes at the light and when you recognised him, your expression immediately transformed into a scowl.

"What do you want?" you snapped, your hands on your hips and your hair messy from sleep.

Kaz opened his mouth but then shut it again. You were angry, he was sorry but he didn't know how to word it. He sighed.

"I thought we should talk this through," he finally said, taking a step forward.

You didn't say anything and just stared at him for a moment. "Oh, mighty Dirtyhands wants to talk now."

Kaz groaned and was quiet for a moment. "I owe you... an apology."

"I don't want to hear it," you said and attempted to slam the door shut, but Kaz got his cane between it and pushed himself inside to your room.

"We need to talk," Kaz said, moving his cane into your way again. "And I won't leave until we do."

"Stop that," you snapped.

"Why?"

"Because I'm trying to be mad at you."

Kaz bit back a smile at that. "If you want to be mad at me, you need to have a proper reason for it."

You huffed and crossed your arms. "Fine, then talk."

Kaz sighed and laid his gaze on his hands gripping the cane. "What I said last night was needless and inconsiderate. I..." He clenched his jaw and cast his eyes downwards for a moment, and then met your eyes again and continued. "I apologise for it."

He glanced up at you, expecting to still see your anger, but instead, your expression was confused.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that."

Kaz smirked at your confusion. "I know how to be an asshole, but I'm trying to be a good boss, too."

You chuckled. "I've gotten used to you being an asshole even when I know you care about me- care about us, I mean, so... it's weird to hear you apologise."

Kaz huffed with a small smile, his heart thudding. He smiled at you, and you were smiling too, and he felt his heart jump at that.

"Have you slept at all last night?" you asked him.

Kaz shook his head. "No. I had work."

You sighed and rolled your eyes. "Work can wait, you go have a nap right now."

You opened the door for him, and you began ascending the stairs together. Kaz smirked at your order. "And if I won't?"

You laughed. "I'll knock you out and drag you to bed. Your call."

---

Requests are always open! FANDOM LIST | PROMPT LIST(S) | RULES (READ!!!)

[the-sound-of-her-wings]

hi! can i please request a kaz brekker x reader fic based off of episode 5 of season 2 (despise your heart)? when kaz panics in the market reader finds him and takes him somehwere safe and gives him his gloves, and in that moment kaz kinda of realizes how he feels about the reader. and then the poison fog the reader hallucinates about kaz and him finally making physical contact and giving her love and she thinks it’s real until someone shoves the antidote in her mouth, once she regains consciousness she rushes over to help kaz and kaz sees her pulling him out of the water and the readers just sitting there holding his face and anything else you wanna add !

if it’s a little complicated i understand, thank you have a great day :))

You were always in plain sight

❀ Word Count: 2,145 ❀ CW: Panic Attack, Discussions of Trauma, Pining, Admissions ❀ A/N: Added a few more scenes than requested. I hope you enjoy!

He’s going to panic, you think to yourself. 

In fact, his body was already panicking, even if he wasn’t. Nina is too focused on the target's heart rate to notice, but Kaz’s heart rate has been slowly increasing ever since he took off the gloves.

You watch as the woman they were meeting with gets up, and Kaz goes to follow. Unfortunately, another woman immediately runs into him, spilling tea all over the front of him, and definitely accidentally touching him.

“Give me his gloves,” You whisper to Inej.

She hands them over silently. You put on your own set of gloves, a pair you keep on you in the event something like this happens. 

Nina places her hand on top of Kaz’ and you watch the life drain from his face. And then he’s running.

“You follow the target. I’ve got him.” You say. 

It doesn’t take you long to catch up to him, but by then he’s already completely disassociated and in complete panic. You take him by the arm, leading him to an empty alley, careful only to touch the clothed parts of his arm. Even with your hands in gloves, you are worried any kind of touch to his exposed hands will send him spiraling further. 

He collapses to the ground in an unceremonious heap. 

“You were supposed to follow her,” He says.

“Inej has it covered.” You reply, sitting down on the opposite side of the alley, a decent distance from him.  

There’s a moment of silence before you add, “Someone had to follow you. You can’t be by yourself when your…” And you don’t know how to finish the sentence. Traumatized? Panicking? Having a PTSD flashback to an event you refuse to discuss with anyone? “...like this.” 

It pains you to see him so deep in his own pain, so desperate to keep other people out of it. To keep you out of it. You place his gloves close to him, but far enough away that it doesn’t look like you’re trying to touch him.

He notices your gloves, “When did you-?”

“A while ago. There just in case-” And you cut yourself off with a sigh. In case this happened. “Do you want me to stay?”

Yes? Kaz thinks, but he’s still panicking too much to say anything. In fact, the thought sends him into even more of a panic, because he’s not ever had a thought like that before. 

“I’ll be on the other side of the alley. We’ll regroup once you’ve had a chance to calm down.” You say, leaving him to decompress.

XXXXX

“Nina wants an explanation,” Inej tells you as you watch over Kaz from a distance. He’s finally come out of the worst of it and is now trying to act like nothing happened. It’s a behavior that you simply have never gotten used to, despite years by his side. 

“Then tell her the truth.” You say.

“Which is?” Inej asks. She sometimes thinks you know more than she does, but that’s not really true. You both know exactly the same thing about Kaz- which is that Pekka Rollins killed his brother and that he absolutely cannot stand another person’s touch. 

“He had a panic attack.” You reply. “She’s not going to tell the others, is she?” 

“No. But I think Jesper should know. He hates it when we leave him out of the loop.” Inej states. 

“I think I’m going to try to talk to him this time. See what else is going on.” You say, watching as Kaz sits down, clearly deep in thought. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” 

“I didn’t think you’d be happy about that idea.” You say, cleaning the dirt from under your nails.

“He will open up when he’s ready.” Inej tries to reassure you.

“We both know he’d never be that vulnerable.”

“Then why ask?” She asks.

So I know how to fix it. 

“Let’s just get this over with, shall we? The world isn’t going to save itself.” You state, heading towards Kaz and the rest of the group to figure out the plan. Maybe you’ll ask him once all of this over.

XXXXX

“We should talk about what happened in the market.” You say, sitting on his desk. 

“Must we?” Kaz replies, lowering the newspaper he had been reading to meet your gaze.

“Yes.”

He set the paper aside, making his way over to you. He towers over you in a way he’s never done before, closer than he’s ever been. “What do you want to know?” 

“I want to know what happened.” 

“You saw what happened,” He says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I want to know why, Kaz.” You respond. 

“Why?” He retorts. Is he flirting with you or just trying to get under your skin?

“I want to fix it. Or prevent it or- I don’t know! I just. I never want to see you like that again. I don’t want to see you suffer.” 

“It won’t happen again,” He reassures you, a gloved hand coming up to caress your face. You block it with the back of your forearm.

“Won’t it? Jesper told me what happened when you got thrown in that cart together. I watched as you tried not to panic while helping Inej clean her wounds. Do you think I can’t sense your heart rate when people get too close to you? That I don’t know exactly how your body reacts? Who hurt you so badly that you can’t even be physically near another person without wanting to vomit?” You ramble, letting out all of the questions and feelings you’ve been holding inside for all of these years.

“Pekka Rollins” He replies, the answer he gave you before. It’s always been the answer, and in some ways, it really is the truth. 

“Kaz… I just want you to let me in. You carry so much inside of you that you let nobody see. But I want to see it… I want to understand.” You say, and you want to reach out and hug him but you know he can’t receive that kind of affection. 

But then he does something you aren’t excepting. Slowly, he begins to remove his gloves. He sets them on the fireplace, one by one. One of his ungloved hands traces its way up the side of your neck and rests on your cheek. You gasp at his touch. 

And then you are staring into each other’s eyes, into each other’s souls. Like you’ve always seen each other- like you’ve always known. Kaz plays his cards close to his chest, but you don’t. Nina has teased you for it relentlessly.

When he kisses you, you can’t believe this is happening. It’s perfect. These are things he would only do in dreams. These are things he would only say in dreams. These are…

“This is a dream,” Kaz tells you, or rather, the Kaz of your imagination tells you as he ends the kiss.

“I know” You reply, opening your eyes.

You see Inej hunched over you and taste something disgusting in your mouth. 

“We were poisoned. Go to the door- Wylan will give you another antidote.” She says before leaving to go wake up Jesper.

You crawl your way to the door, still feeling the lingering effects of the poison. “Wylan. Antidote?” You croak.

Once you are given the butterfly, you make your way over to Kaz, the only person still under the effects of the poison. 

XXXXX

Kaz is confused. He wakes up, back on that mountain of bodies in the river, but his brother is alive.

“Jordie?” He asks, confused.

His brother stares at him, full of rage. Without a word, he begins to drown him. Just when Kaz has almost lost all of his oxygen, his brother pulls him back out from under the water.

“Who are you without your vengeance?” Jordie yells. 

“Kaz. Wake up” You say, one gloved hand cupping the side of his face, the other moving his jaw to try to force him to chew. He can’t hear you.

“What is the worth of life if you have no one left to fight for?” Jordie asks, before plunging him under the water again. 

“Kaz” You repeat, and he hears you this time. “You’re going to be alright” 

You come into focus in a water gaze, the remnants of the poison still giving a dreamlike quality. It takes him a few moments to realize that it’s no longer a hallucination and that both of your hands are on his face. Gloved hands.

You pull your hands away from his face as soon as you see him come out of it. 

“Sorry,” You say. 

You don’t have to apologize, he thinks. 

XXXXX

“Kaz, a word?” You say, wanting to get him alone. You’ve obtained the Neshyenyer and are getting ready to head to East Ravka. 

He nods in acknowledgment while the others in the room make no effort to leave.

“Alone.” You add, so the others get the picture. 

Everyone exchanges suspicious glances with one another except Kaz, who is only looking at you. Nina winks as she passes you on her way out of the room. You resist the urge to roll your eyes. 

You position yourself by the door, a good five feet away from him, in order to respect his boundaries. The boundaries that you’ve consistently had to cross recently to protect him.

“What do you need?” He asks. 

“Are you okay?” You ask. 

Of course he isn’t, but you want him to admit that. You suspect he’ll respond with something defensive, something clever, something like “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” or “Why does it matter?” or “We have a job to do”. For it to be like the dream. 

“Are you?” He responds.

“No. And I’m getting a little tired of pretending I am.” You answer honestly. The difference between you, and all the other crows, and hell, everyone else that you interact with, is that you aren’t emotionally repressed. You don’t hide it under a sense of revenge, don’t mask it with a face of no emotion, and don’t keep your true thoughts and feelings hidden under a veil of humor. He told you it was a weakness, once. 

“You’re still wearing the gloves.” He comments.

You glance down at your gloved hands and then back at him. “So I am.”

“You don’t have to do that for me.” You don’t have to do anything for me, He thinks. 

“I know.” You say, “I just don’t want to hurt you.” 

There is a long silence as you look at each other, not really sure what to say.

“I wanted you to stay,” He states, looking away from you. Almost as if he’s ashamed that he’s allowing himself to be this vulnerable. “When you asked me in the alley… I wanted you to stay.”

You feel your breath catch in your throat at the admission. Maybe the poison-induced hallucination wasn’t too farfetched after all. 

“I’ll stay.” You take a step towards him, still unsure of his boundaries. Still unsure how close or far you can get without causing him pain. 

“Will you tell me why?” You ask. I can’t help you through something when I don’t know why it causes you pain.

“I don’t know if I can,” It’s the first genuine answer you’ve gotten out of him in a long time. 

“When we were poisoned I- you were in my hallucination,” You admit, taking a few more steps closer to him.  

“What happened in your hallucination?” He asks. Throughout this, he’s made no effort to move from his seat at the table, but his heartbeat has become steadily faster, stronger. 

“I was angry at you- but you seemed to understand why. And you took your gloves off and touched me and- that’s how I knew it wasn’t real.” You reply. “What did you hallucinate?” You add, not wanting him to ruminate on your confession too long. 

“My brother was drowning me,” He states.

“I’m sorry,” You say, reflexively. 

“He asked me, ‘What is the worth of life if you have no one left to fight for?’ and then I saw you,” You’ve never seen him sheepish before- vulnerability doesn’t exactly suit him. 

“Oh,” You breathe. “So what now?” 

“We go to East Ravka.”

“Right,” You say, trying not to let the disappointment show in your voice. “Time to save the world. Again.” 

“We’re not saving it. We’re just getting paid.” Kaz responds.

You steel yourself, trying not to beat yourself up for thinking you were finally getting somewhere. That this would be anything more than words.

"After. We will discuss us after." He adds, quelling your doubt. "We still have a job to do."

You nod.

"I'm here if you need me." You say, turning to leave.

"I know," Kaz replies.

[cyberstrm]

exposure therapy

show!kaz brekker x gn!reader

cws: kaz's trauma but not explicit details, spicy making out (?)

"are you sure you want to do this?" you ask gently, your hands pressed against kaz's clothed chest. he was avoiding your gaze, breathing deeply, as if preparing for something unbearable. his dark eyes met yours, and he softened.

"yes, i'm sure."

you and kaz brekker's relationship was, for lack of a better term, complicated. trying to be intimate or romantic with someone who despised physical touch was difficult, but you truly loved kaz, and so was willing to put up with it in the short term. but kaz could see it bothered you, and had to admit even to himself that he craved your touch, so you both decided that the best way for him to get over it was to just do it in a safe environment until it felt okay for him.

you were sat on his lap behind his desk, your legs straddling his waist. kaz shakily removed his gloves, and tossed them aside. he looked raw, vulnerable, like an open wound.

"you ready?" you whispered, lifting your shirt up slightly to reveal the skin of your waist and hips. kaz stared hungrily for a few moments, before tentatively placing his fingertips on your skin. slowly, he added more, until his cool palms were pressed against you. he was breathing in a controlled manor, but you could tell it took effort. he moved his hands around smoothly, taking you in fully.

"y/n, i..." he began, his mouth dry. you wondered for a moment if he was going to back out.

"yes?" you asked.

he looked up at you again, a hunger in his eyes you'd not yet seen. "kiss me."

you blinked. you'd never kissed kaz brekker before. you'd wanted to, but he'd never condoned it. you supposed the exposure therapy was working.

you reached your hand up onto his cheek, and he leaned into your palm, his eyes fluttering close. you kissed him gently, your lips warm against his cold skin. he didn't kiss back at first, but slowly his mouth opened, and he took you in. his hands gripped your hips, pulling you further onto him. when you pulled away, you were blushing furiously.

"that's...that's enough, for today." kaz panted, removing his hands from your skin.

"o-okay." you replied drowsily. you lifted yourself from him and turned away, too flustered to face him. you heard him stand and reapply his gloves, before hearing the cane's tap on the floor, and the office door shutting behind you.

[valentinedaughtler]

Haven’t I Given Enough?

Kaz Brekker x GN!Inventor!Reader

TW: use of Y/N, mild, mild angst, slight ooc Kaz(?) (I think that’s it, let me know if I missed anything please.)

Synopsis: You’ve known Kaz for years, inventing gadgets to assist in heists and being his right hand ‘man’. One night you ask him if you can join a heist, but it doesn’t go as planned….

REQUESTS: OPEN✅

____________________________________________

My eyes flitted between the arriving guests in the bar. The Crow Club was packed tonight, and pigeons strolled in with restless naivety. I sat in the corner of the bustling room, sighing with exhaustion. I had just spent seventeen hours imitating mechanical watches in order to create a ‘fake’ for Kaz do swap with a real one. ‘Just something I need for a heist,’ was all he had said.

It would be worth it to know Kaz was proud of me in the end. Though, it was a long shot to think he would even do much as acknowledge anything I did.

I pondered whether I should slip through the crowd to find Jesper, but I couldn’t spot him. Instead, I pushed my way out of the suffocating bar out into the damp streets of Ketterdam. The cool air calmed my mind as I crossed toward the Slat. The cold made my cheeks rosy.

With the flick of a wrist, I flipped a switch blended into the old building’s exterior wall. It was hidden to an unsuspecting pedestrian yet, but it set off a system of pullies I had integrated into the inner walls a long time ago. A soft shlink was followed by the outward jutting of brick.

The side of the building became a rock-wall of sorts, since I could not climb up every surface like Inej. I began to grip the bricks, digging my nails into the gritty platforms.

Kaz was not always a fan of my inventions. A few had blown up in his face- literally- but it seemed he kept me around due to my many successes. I could fix any machine made by man. I didn’t have to know what it was, I could just take it apart in my mind, then do so in reality.

This was one of my inventions, a brick wall that was easy to climb, but could be hidden. Inej loved it- Kaz felt it was a waste of time.

He said there were stairs for a reason.

I shimmied the window of Kaz’s office open, the latch flipping and the glass sliding. I hopped off of the ledge and into the office, making sure to reset my brick contraption. I turned around and cleared my throat, but Kaz did not glance up at me. I rolled my eyes as he squinted at the blueprints that lay on his makeshift desk.

“Good evening, Brekker,” I greeted with a jokingly enticing tone. His eye twitched and he proceeded to turn his attention to me.

“Hello, Y/N,” his gravely voiced rasped in response. I smiled slightly, regretting so, and dig into my left pants pocket. I pulled out a shiny, gold watch with engraved initials. Whose they were was unknown to me, but if I asked, Kaz would most likely just shut me down. I had to respect his odd secrecy after all he had done for me. Out of all the years I’d known him, it has always been as if he kept me at an arm’s length. He was careful to never be vulnerable, as if that was the same as his skin touching mine.

I gestured for him to catch the watch when I tossed it, but he glared. I let out an exasperated sigh.

“You’re such a buzzkill,” I teased while handing the fake to him.

“You’re… difficult,” he retorted, but there was no malice behind his words- surprisingly. I huffed and plopped onto the blanket sprawled out on the windowsill. My eyes followed Kaz’s movements as he tentaviety inspected the watch. After a few minutes he placed it onto his desk and resumed his work. I waited patiently for any sign of recognition, but it never came.

“You’re welcome,” I mumbled while stretching out my legs. I opened up my leather sketchbook to doodle a new invention design. That or I’d just draw Kaz. But I was too annoyed with him to do so.

The dark haired boy sighed as he looked over at me. “You did good. It looks identical.”

I didn’t say anything in response, but I smiled slightly, my face heating up. It was embarrassing how easily I was flattered by Kaz, who could barely do the bare minimum.

“What ere you using it for— the watch, I mean,” I asked with growing curiosity. Kaz halted his work for a moment, most likely deciding if he felt like sharing or not.

“A local banker,-“

“The more-of-a-wanker-than-a-banker one?” I cut off his response, immediately feeling embarrassed. Kaz looked at me with mild confusion. “Inside joke with Jesper,” I elaborated.

He hummed in response, then continued, “He’s more of a swanker. For the past few months he has been flaunting his wealth a little too much. Especially his watch. It’s his most prized possession. I plan to take it from his vault; a simple swap.”

“What would you do without me?” I asked with a sly smirk. Kaz huffed, perhaps laughed.

“I’d have less of your inventions explode on me.”

“It was one time, Kaz,” I said with exasperation. My eye glittered as I met his gaze. I open my mouth to speak, but immediately close it again, pressing my lips together firmly.

“Kaz?”

“Y/N,”

“I want to go on a mission with you and the crows,” I blurted out. Kaz froze, only for a fraction of a moment, but Kaz Brekker froze. He nodded towards my left arm, where a tattoo of a crow craning over a guatlet was etched into my skin.

“You are a crow,” he finally rasped, dodging my question until I glared daggers into his skin. “And I have everyone we need for the mission-“

“Wylan is sick. You need someone who can easily disable complex machinery- the alarms, the traps-“

“I said no,” Kaz’s voice raised, sounding threatening.

“Why not?”

“Y/N,” his voice sounded as if he meant, don’t push it. But I did. I always did, and Kaz always kept me by his side anyways.

“I don’t understand- ever since I got hurt on that one heist you haven’t let me participate-“

“Exactly! You got hurt,” he said. His jaw clenched and his eyes avoided mine. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he gulped.

“Dregs get hurt all the time- saints, some of the crows do too-“

“This is different,”

“How?”

“You’re an investment,” he stated blankly, “and I protect my investments.” I felt heat flush my face, my fists balling up and my shoulders tensing.

“That’s rich, Kaz, real rich,” I spat. Embarrassment pooled in my stomach and my eyes. “But that’s all you want, right? Kruge? Money? Power?” He didn’t say anything as I slitted my eyes and scrunched my nose. “Saints forbid the people who help you get to that point.”

Before Kaz could respond, if he even chose to, I got up and walked across his office, my shoes clacking against the hard, wooden floors. The old floorboards moaned and groaned at the pressure I subjected them to.

“Y/N-,” Kaz tried to get up, but his bad leg involuntarily spasmed at his abrupt movement.

The door slammed behind me. I knew it wasn’t a big deal, it felt like the last thing to topple a delicate card tower. Each card was a jab or a deny Kaz made regarding our… relationship, if you could call it that. He and I had been friends long before the other crows came along, yet I felt I’d come to know him the least. I sighed.

I turned back around on my heel, opening the splintered office door. On the other side was Kaz, reaching for the handling on the opposing side.

“You’re not an investment,”

I kept any snarky comments bottled up inside, along with my tears. I could tell what he was convey was eating away at him, so I let him speak.

“If I lost you, I’d have to burn Ketterdam down, and then I’d have no kingdom to rule,” his words soared through the air between us and to my heart.

“I just keep feeling like I’ve given enough, Kaz. I know I deserve to go on heists. If you see my as an equal, you have to treat me like one.” I met his deep, coffee-brown eyes.

He nodded. One of his gloved hands hesitantly, begrudgingly, came up to touch my face. He cupped my cheek and I leaned into the cold, leather touch. I knew this was the best answer he could give me at the moment. It was a more meaningful gesture than anything he could’ve said. He’d let me help on the heist, and for once in a very long time, it felt like he had let his high walls crumble a bit.

I knew I’d given enough.

____________________________________________

Word Count: 1460

____________________________________________

Part 2????

-Valentine

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Poly! Kanej x gn! Reader - Bound to one another

A/n: This was a fun one to write, and originally it was going to be longer (kaz and inej are barely in it lol) but my trail of thought for this one ended. Regardless, I hope you all still like it!

Summary: As an anniversary gift, Inej gifts the three of you matching knives with your titles on them. You are confused by yours.

Warnings: killing, swearing, kidnapping, slavers, the slave trade in the grishaverse, violence, not too graphic gore, I think that's it? You have been warned!

The three P's:

[Pov: 2nd person] [Pronouns used: you/your] [Pairings: (poly!) (romantic!) kanej x reader]

As always, not my gif

It had been a week before your anniversary and Inej (despite the three of you agreeing not to) had decided to gift each of you a knife. As she claimed she wasn't going to be back from the seas until the day after so she had to give it to you now.

They looked the same to the unassuming eye - cold, black, slick, grisha steel daggers. Yet every one of them had a name forged onto the blade that you could only see under certain lights.

Inej's inscribed Queen of Thieves, Kaz had Crow King, and yours was Ketterdam's Ruler.

At first yours had confused you, Inej's made sense, she really was the queen of thieves, and Kaz's was just bluntly obvious but yours seemed to always escape your mind any time you felt close to an answer. How could you be the ruler of Ketterdam, when there was already a crowning king and queen?

Even after being with the two of them after all this time doubts like this always clouded your mind, they were after all together before you ever came into the picture. What if the frame didn't fit with you in it? What if Ketterdam didn't need another Monarch?

Then the doubts would quell when Kaz would brush his hand against yours, or when Inej would slide you a book that you wanted to get and hadn't even mentioned it to her yet.

Of course they didn't disappear, like Inej they were never truly gone, but right now you had more pressing issues.

"Y/n, you need to get out of here." Kaz hissed at you as the both of you had your bodies pressed up against a wall as you peaked around to check if there were any guards.

This time it wasn't a merchant's mansion where you were going to steal some jewel, or other valuable. This wasn't even a heist, originally you had gone alone but Kaz had tailed you to the slaver's house and now he had decided to show himself.

Another reason you weren't truly in rank with your lovers, you couldn't pin point their presences when they could do it with each other.

The reason you were at this slaver's house was actually your girlfriend's and boyfriend's anniversary present.

"Why did you follow me Kaz." You growl back quietly as you see the guards go through their next rotation.

"Inej is back."

Shit.

How could you forget that Inej was coming back today? The day where the three of you were having your unofficial anniversary nonetheless! Although that was the whole reason why you were here, yet it didn't push down your disappointment in yourself. The three of you had made a pact that you were not allowed to go on any jobs the day Inej comes back from the seas. Of course you were the one to break it.

Though, you weren't technically on a job.

"This is important Kaz, tell Inej I'll be there in an hour."

Ouch, that would hurt your plan a bit but you would stick to it nevertheless. You wouldn't let them down more than you already had.

"No."

You took a quick glance at Kaz to see his face glaring back at you before you looked back and saw your opening.

"I promise this isn't a job, I'll be there in an hour and if not wait thirty more minutes then you can bust me if you want."

Kaz sighed as your heartbeat quickens with the adrenaline starting to course through your veins.

"Fine, one hour."

You grinned at him before taking your opening.

His name is Ethan Sullivan, and you were going to kill him.

Your motive for killing this bastard was simple, or rather it was simple to you.

He's a slaver who not only has been getting on Inej's ass but nearly killed her. Then he captured Jesper and only let him go after he got Kaz.

While Kaz had escaped fairly quickly he still had found out your significant others weakness; each other, and now he was dangerous. Very dangerous.

Your pretty crows were waiting to find the right moment when to strike him back, but you knew he wouldn't whittle his life on a pleasantly soft sofa as he figured out the secret to take over the barrel. His plans had to be going out soon, which meant he was an admirable foe and dangerous - too dangerous. He had to be put down, permanently.

"Come here." Sullivan croaked over to you as you posed as a servant with a blanket resting over your arm. "Help me out of bed."

You had chosen the precise time where you could be alone with him, so that no one could disturb your little scheme. You even made sure to lock the door on your way in, then you would escape through his window.

Moving towards the man you felt the weight of the dagger Inej had given you weighing down your pocket.

Ketterdam's Ruler.

"Move quicker would you!" He snapped at you and it's there you make your decision.

You do move quickly, though as you do you leap on top of him and place the stygian blade to his throat.

He tries to cry out but you shush him like he's a child and press the knife close to his throat.

"Ethan Sullivan, you nearly killed the Wraith, and you captured Dirtyhands, now I'm here for vengeance."

He laughed, and it almost sent a shiver down your spine, you're sure that's the laugh many children have heard as they beg for their parents.

"I was just evening out the odds, nothing wrong about that." He grinned. "Ketterdam might just eat them alive because of it though."

Fury flashed through you, yet instead of slashing his throat right in that moment like Inej would have done, like Kaz would have finished, rather you took his throat in between your hand.

He chocked, and his eyes widened when you tightened it.

"Mercy!" He managed to chock out, the words barely leaving his purple lips.

You would grab him with an iron fist and show him what your mercy is.

What Ketterdam's mercy is.

Using your other, free hand you twirled the dagger in it and the title Inej had given you through it glared back at you, then you plunged it into his thigh.

He tried to scream but it was muffled by the hand around his throat.

"That was for my treasure Inej, she wouldn't have wanted you to suffer much."

You pulled it out and before he could even attempt to scream again you sliced open his face.

"And that." You grunted through gritted teeth. "Was for my lovely Kaz, he would have wanted you to suffer, very much."

Releasing the hand on his throat he tried to break away from your grip, but you held him down and put the dagger against his throat for the last time.

"I am Ketterdam's ruler, and this is my mercy."

Then you cut his throat.

You didn't bother to watch him chock on his own blood before you were out the window, checking your watch. You were so late, and dressed like a servant nonetheless.

Yet, the disappointment, the fury at yourself for finding yet another thing lacking that your lovers had that you did not, didn't come. You have protected your own tonight, you've sent a message to all who listen closely to the whispers of drunken shadows and barrel rats. You were Ketterdam's ruler, you ranked far above Inej and Kaz and would do anything to protect them.

The three of you were equals in this game, but when it came to their safety you had the ultimate say over this filthy city. You are Ketterdam's ruler, you keep her on line when she gets too wild, and let her off her leash when people need to pay their dues.

Like Ethan Sullivan, and you think there will be others still, that's alright with you. They will be no match for your mercy.

Words 1343

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Grishaverse taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover @brekker-zenik @alohastitch0626 @brekkers-desigirl @emmsamultifan06

[buriedbehindtheshed]

Fixing a Broken Wing. Kaz Brekker x GN!reader

Word count: 1419 Warnings: Minor injury description. A/N: Thought I'd start posting here as well as Ao3! Hope y'all like it. We need more gn fics. No pronouns or y/n are used for the reader! There aren't many physical descriptions either!

The frigid air was harsh on the looming city of Ketterdam. Nightfall broke on the horizon, and the tapping of a cane echoed from an open window. The usual ruckus of the Barrel was dimmed by the racing thoughts of a singular slimy bastard: Kaz Brekker.

You were an investment of his–A sly one from the Menagerie. Your silent nature and singing blades kept you labeled as an honorary Crow. You were sent on a venture for Heleen, but you were supposed to meet back with Kaz at dawn. Since dawn, Kaz had waited.

And waited. 

And waited.

An unfamiliar prickle ghosted the back of Kaz's neck as hours flew by without a whisper of you. You were never late–not for him. The corner of his lip curled into a humorless smirk. Was he so blind to have faith in Heleen to consider keeping you safe?

With impeccable timing, a soft thump came from inside his bedroom. The thumping was followed by a low croak; Kaz could've sworn you were just a large toad. You harnessed the rest of your strength to push yourself up, just enough to slump against the wall.

Kaz paced towards the bedroom, his familiar hobbled steps echoing on the wooden floors. "You're late. You better have a damned good reason for falling behind. I'd like my investments close at hand," His familiar rasp grumbled. As he approached the room, he let his eyes fixate on you. His eyes were like flint as he observed your physical state, his gaze flickering over all of your wounds with expert precision. Your tale had been a messy one, it seemed.

Silently, Kaz stalked toward you, kneeling to your level. He pressed the silver crow's skull of his cane to your chin, tilting your head lightly, cataloging each wound with a veteran's eye. Slashes, bruises, wounds - all painted a sordid story across your flesh. "Heleen?" He asked, nearly deadly silent.

You parted your cracked, bloodied lips to speak, but nothing came out. Your throat was rough and raw. You simply nodded, swallowing thickly as your eyes threatened to close. Luckily, Kaz's cane supported your chin. If your head began to lull, he would use it to angle it back up.

Kaz scowled. No one would hurt one of his own. He always made sure of it. "You survived. That's all that matters." Reaching into an inner pocket, he plucked a small vial from it. He held it to your cracked lips, his voice leaving no room for denial. "Drink. It will help your throat." And perhaps loosen your tongue enough for you to share more. Heleen could wait; his prized weapon came first.

You took in a shaky breath, parting your lips and tilting your head up. You drank the amber-tinted liquid, your face contorting into disgust as it hit your tongue. "Saints, boss, what the hell is that?" You groan, still holding the liquid in your mouth.

A ghost of amusement flickered in Kaz's eyes to see your disgusted reaction, fleeting as quickly as it came. "Effective medicine tastes of punishment," Kaz replied flatly in his salt-bitten rasp. "Consider it penance for troubling me with putting you back together. Now swallow." He uncorked a waterskin from his belt to wash away the bitter taste of ginger and cloves. He held it to your lips, tilting your chin up with his cane. His cold gaze studied your face with keen precision, filing each of your hurts.

Your heart pangs with guilt at Kaz's words. You swallowed the liquid begrudgingly. It stung your throat momentarily before a cooling sensation washed over the tender flesh. You made fleeting eye contact with him, and you swear you felt your stomach twist. "I went to meet with a client near the harbor... I think the old witch wanted to be rid of me," You hissed through bloodied teeth. "I should've known it was trouble. I could hear the rustling of Kruge." You met Kaz's eye again, and as he took a sharp breath in to speak, you blurt out: "Please don't send me back."

He listened to your story in chilling silence. Heleen was a traitorous worm in Kaz’s eyes. Ice ran through his veins as you murmured your broken tale, freezing over some long-forgotten well of mercy. When you finished, he opened his mouth to speak but froze when you interrupted him with a shaky plea. "You won't be," He whispered. The ghost of the broken boy gazed out at you through Kaz's eyes, understanding the unspoken between you two. "I wouldn't send you back if my life depended on it." 

Kaz rose in one fluid motion, looming over you like the vengeful raven his reputation had painted. His cane slipped from beneath your chin, causing your head to drop slightly. He stalked over to the small sink across the room and filled a ceramic bowl with water. Gloved hands darted around, grabbing various rags and containers. He moved back to you slowly and silently, gingerly placing the items on the floor beside you. Then, he slipped off his coat and neatly laid it down on the railing of his bed frame. He knelt once more, quick hands soaking the rag.

The silence between the two of you was deafening. Kaz’s slow, shaking breaths would slice through it occasionally, putting your mind at ease. He wrung out the excess water from the cloth and, with a trembling hand, he pressed it to a wound on your forehead. His care for your well-being seemed to trump his fears about getting too close to you. You grunt quietly as he cleans your injuries, but he makes no attempt to be any gentler. 

He put the cloth back in the water and rinsed out the crimson substance that’d once coated it. You couldn’t help but notice his encased fingertips never broke the water’s surface in the bowl – A trick he must’ve learned all these years. His dark hair fell over his forehead as he angled his head down to clean off the rag. 

He drew a handkerchief from his vest pocket and lifted a small earthenware jar from the floor. In a swift motion, he unscrewed the top and set it on the ground before dipping the cloth into the contents – a soothing salve developed from hard-won experience to ease battered flesh. With a sharp breath, he leaned a bit closer, smearing the substance into your wound.

It stung … and stunk. Your nose scrunches as the scent burns your nostrils. “What is it with you and foul medicine?” You manage to grumble before he silences you with an icy glare through his eyelashes. 

“Would you rather be infected?” Replied Kaz, arching an eyebrow at you.

“No.” You stare back at him.

“Figured,” He whispered, the corner of his lip tugging into what most would consider a lesser frown, and to you, a smile. “You’re no use to me damaged.”

Kaz’s hands soon lowered as he finished coating your wounds in the substance. He leaned back immediately and scanned over your face once more. He took in a slow breath before he stood once more. “I will leave these with you to work on any other areas my eyes can’t touch,” He murmured. “I will leave you the room.”

Your eyes follow his form as he stands and runs a hand through his hair. His dark eyes flicker over you with a softer expression now—something underlying. “Very well,” You murmur.

As he turns to exit the room, he pauses and calls your name.

You turn to meet his gaze once more. “Yes?”

“The Crows will carry your name as they do mine,” He rasped. “No force in this world will send you back against your will. You have my word.”

You felt your stomach twist at his words. Your chest was swelling with warmth, or perhaps you were bleeding internally. Your wall was breaking. It was dangerous. 

“Thank you, Kaz.” His name rolled off your tongue so easily like honey dripping onto warm bread. You rarely used Kaz’s name – You always opted for ‘boss’ or ‘Brekker.’ At this moment, however, Kaz deserved to be Kaz.

Kaz’s upper lip twitched slightly as you spoke his name. He felt his breath catch in his throat, hearing the way it so easily slipped from your mouth. He tightened his hand around the silver crow handle of his cane. “Rest,” He murmured before he made his swift exit, leaving you alone in the warm lamplight of his bedroom.

[mordredisacoolname]

GRISHAVERSE CHARACTERS WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THEM

Shadow and bone / six of Crows

MALE READER (can also be read as gn)

Characters: Alina Mal Genya Nikolai Kaz Inej Jesper Nina Wylan Matthias

*Mostly based on the show as I'm only in the middle of Siege and Storm

ALINA- you were both very tired, riding in a carriage led by horses. Alina was starting outside the window when she felt a weight on her shoulder, turning her head she saw you with your eyes closed asleep on her. Smiling to herself she moved a little so you'd be more comfortable and spread a little warmth through you so you won't be cold. She tried staying as still as possible in the carriage to not wake you up.

MAL- you were both drinking some kvas and talking nonsense outside your tent while everyone else were asleep. As he stared into the sky talking about keramzin memories he was interrupted by your head falling on his shoulder. "Do I bore you this much?" He barked out a laugh, watching your sleepy face and moving to a more comfortable position. He decided to let you sleep a little more before waking you up and returning to the tent.

NIKOLAI- you were hanging out in his ship quarters with a few other ship mates, his arm hang around your shoulders when he felt your body leaning towards his own, your hair tickling his neck. He watched you in amusement while Tamar and Pryvet were telling a story about a past adventure, tightening his arm around you.

GENYA- you both were sitting on a sofa in your room at the little palace, genya talking about her day and (rightfully) complaining about the queen, with a tea cup in her hand. When she asked you about your opinion, not hearing an answer she glanced at you finding out you were asleep. She presumed you were just leaning against her as you often did, but to her surprised you were just passed out from the tiring day as a grisha in the little palace. Smiling softly she carefully helped you fully lay down on the sofa, and left you to your rest.

KAZ- you were sitting in his room trying to form the next step leading to the fall of Pekka Rollins when he felt a slight weight on his shoulder. He immediately tensed up frozen in place. He tried calling your name hoping you'd wake up but unfortunately for him you didn't. He wanted to shrag you off, and he would've if you didn't know each other for a very long time. It felt weird, anxious but also a little comforting. He stayed like this still as a statue for a few minutes before slightly tapping you on your arm to wake you up.

INEJ- you were both sitting outside in silence wanting some peace and quiet from the loud tavern when inej felt your head slip down to her shoulder. She smiled softly, studying your face; feeling the urge to let you stay like this forever. Unfortunately it was getting late and unsafe outside, so she had to wake you up, but she really enjoyed those few minutes of you together.

JESPER- you were sitting at a table in the barrel watching people drink, talk and play, when you felt the tiredness creeping up on you "don't you dare fall asleep and leave me alone in this boredome" said Jesper while holding some sort of drink on his hand. "I'm not asleep" you perked up at the accusation, taking a sip of your own drink you left on the table. As the time passed on, you stopped answering Jesper's questions and observations. "Not asleep my ass" he snored, finishing the rest of his drink and helping sleepy you stand up and go to your room.

NINA- you were sitting on soft cushions near a window watching the snow. You rented a small room and decided to lit a fire and warm up a bit. You were both quiet, enjoying the outside view and the inside warmth, wrapped together in furrs. You slowly fell asleep, head tilted back when Nina noticed you're not awake, laughing quietly she guided your head on her shoulder, tightening the furr around you two.

WYLAN- wylan was mixing some stuff together when you called him to take a break and join you on the sofa, petting the empty space besides you. After a few protests he finally agreed and sat down next to you, your arm wrapping around him. Drawing him closer you kisses his head, nuzzling your nose to his wild hair, feeling sleepy. He was telling you about what he was making when you slowly started shifting away to sleep. When he noticed he smiled trying not to move his head too much as your head was on his. He was just sitting there squished between you and the sofa, and eventually fell asleep too.

MATTHIAS- he was sitting all grumpy away from the rest of the crows when you approached him. "Mind if I join you" you asked not waiting for his answer and sat down besides him. "Why do you ask if you're going to do that anyway" he scowled. You shrugging your shoulders leaning against him and observing everything that was going on in front of you. Announcing you were tired, you tilted your head to rest on his shoulder, instantly falling asleep. Looking at you Matthias sighed annoyingly, but let you stay mumbling something in Fjerdan.

[despairots]

diet mountain dew, ethan landry.

ethan landry x gn! reader

summary: in which, you and ethan chill in your dorm with lana del rey playing in the background.

content warning: none unless you don’t know what swearing is then swearing.

genre: pre ghostface / no ghostface yet, fluff.

authors note: i saw multiple people do this with diet mountain dew x ethan so i tried it out :)

you’re no good for me

baby, you’re no good for me

you’re no good for me

but baby, i want you, i want

someone pulled your headphones off, scaring you making you turn around revealing one of your bestfriends, ethan. “the [name] [lastname] is listening to lana del rey?” ethan joked, giving back your headphones.

you scoffed and jokingly rolled your eyes, “her songs are a banger, what are you on?” he giggled and sat on your bean bag, “your dorm is so nice.” he complimented as you hummed, scrolling through a research.

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

never was there ever a girl so pretty

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

ethan watched you intently, a adoring look in his eyes as he saw you lightly smile and your eyes brighten. a small sparkly danced in your eyes, he watched you switch taps, your fingers flying across the keyboards to type.

“i can feel you staring at me, right, eth?” he jumped at the sound of your voice, eyes snapping to anywhere else but you. you turning around in your spinning chair with a smile.

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

can we hit it now low down and gritty?

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

“if you wanna listen you can. i could disconnect the headphones, if you want.” you offered as he looked at you with those eyes that would make anyone fall in love.

“really?” he perked up, “pft, yeah. i know you like lana.” you laughed and disconnected the headphones, putting the volume loud enough you guys could hear before you turned around again to focus on the thing you were working on.

baby, put on heart shaped sunglasses

‘cause we gonna take a ride

i’m not gonna listen to what the past says

i’ve been waiting up all night

ethan grabbed at your chair, forcing you to turn around, “ethan, this assessments due tomorrow morning —“ he rolled his eyes and pulled you up, cutting you off.

“you can do that later. we never hung out before alone, just the two of us.” he said as you looked back at your laptop, him forcing you to look away from it with his on your cheek.

take another drag turn me to ashes

ready for another lie?

say he’s gonna teach me just what fast is

say it’s gonna be alright

“who knew the shy and dorky ethan could do that.” you joked with a small smile, “it’s because we’ve been friends since elementary.” he scoffed with a roll of his eyes.

the fact is, you two have been longer friends then with the friend group: tara, chad, mindy, anika, quinn and sam. “i know that.” you responded with a slight nudge to his shoulder, plopping onto your bed.

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

never was there ever a girl so pretty

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

ethan followed behind, laying in your bed, the fairy lights around your room lighting it up. he saw the small portrait frame of him and you when the two of you were little.

“you still have it?” he took a grab at it, “um, yeah — give it here.” you tried to take it out of his hands, ethan lifting up it from your reach as you crawled on top of him, “ethan!”

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

can we hit it now low down and gritty?

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

he took the photo out of the frame, flipping the photo behind with slight acknowledgment of it when he realized that you completely gave up and laid on his chest with a heavy sigh.

“aww, i’m sorry, [nickname].” he realized and placed a hand on your back, “fuck you.” he chuckled, hearing your voice muffle into his chest while he took a look behind the picture.

let’s take jesus off the dashboard

got enough on his mind

we both know just what we’re here for

saved too many times

his heart rate fastened, his eyes reading every word that was behind the picture written in small, neat, bold letters. you continued to lay there on his chest with face red and pupils dialled.

maybe i like this roller coaster

maybe it keeps me high

maybe the speed it brings me closer

i could sparkle up your eye

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

can we hit it low down and gritty?

do you think we’ll be in love forever

do you think we’ll be in love?

“[name]…” he breathed out looking down at you, “ignore that, it was a long time ago, ethan.” you lied, rolling off him and then shoving your face into your pillow.

“but —“ “ethan, just let it go. it’s embarrassing!” you groaned, ethan chuckling a little, “but i find it adorable.” he commented, your eye peaking up at him a little. “really?” you muttered.

you’re no good for me

baby, you’re no good for me

you’re no good for me

but baby, i want you, i want you, i want you

diet mountain dew, baby new york city

never was there a girl so pretty

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

he hummed in respond, fiddling with the picture in his head, cheeks dinted and eyes flickering almost everywhere but you, who was just as flustered as he was.

baby, stoppin’ at 7-eleven

there in his white pontiac heaven

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

never was there a girl so pretty

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

there was a small chance that you didn’t like him anymore in his eyes, pining for so long ever since you two were 13. young, sure but who gives a fuck now?

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city

can we hit it low and gritty?

do you think we’ll be in love forever?

do you think we’ll be in love?

you’re no good for me

baby, you’re no good for me

you’re no good for me

but baby, i want you, i want

“look, it’s fine if you don’t like me back but i don’t want that to turn put friendship awkward.” you explained, stuttering over a few words with sweat dripping down your nape.

you’re no good for me

baby, you’re no good for me

you’re no good for me

but baby, i want you, i want

ethan’s head snapped at you, “what? [name], i have liked you ever since we were 13. you were so smart, and nice, i’ve always looked up to you when we were younger.“ he stammered making you cover your face with your hands.

“i feel the same way.” you mumbled making ethan chuckle at your voice muffling into your hands. he took you hands off your face, his hands replacing where yours were before.

your body relaxed as he leaned forward, your eyes slowly closed, body leaning forward to catch his lips. wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him forward, placing your lips on his.

you’re no good for me

baby, you’re no good for me

you’re no good for me

but baby, i want you, i want…

[not-a-big-slay]

Until it doesn't hurt

kaz brekker x fem!reader

summary:betrayal leaves some wounds behind, but even more questions when you can't figured out from whom it really came from.

warnings: violence, cursing

type: fluff

part: 12/13

previous part: part 11 masterlist

a/n: please, please, PLEASEEUHH im SO SO SORRY! it has been almost a FUCKING YEAR SINCE THE LAST CHAPTER?! HELLO?! WHO TF DO I THINK I AM? i need to keep myself in line cuz this aint normal! i have been hiatus for soo long i need to pull it together. anywayy, its finished finally. its long ahh hell and im gonna be working on another part immediately so it wont be another 50 years dw. dont mind any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language and i have written one half of this in 2023, so i really dont feel like redoing it lol. i dare you if you can recognize where exactly i picked this draft up again. anyway, pleasee enjoy!!

also, sike, its not the last part hehe, there will be part 13 AND an epilogue

taglist (hi yall :'))

@chickencouncilrep

@venomsvl

@happy-nico

@twlegit

@ravenmedows

@blathena

‎

She had lost again.

That would be the third time tonight. Her change was getting thin and she predicted it would take one more game before she had to go kill someone for free again. So much for making a ton of money with this job. The girl watched her opponent spoon the coins from the table with one hand, laughing: "One more game and I'll have to dig up another grave, Y/N." Others laughed, so she wasn't the only one thinking that after all. It was logical, she really had to stop playing with grown men, they wasted away their old nights playing poker at this very table and she had other, young people things to do. It would be wise to get up and leave, no one would judge her for that. They would maybe even cheer her on, finally making a rational decision, no one ever seen that before when it came to her. Yet the thought of doing so was being blocked by a high indestructable wall, one that never goes away and will only be built higher.

If she does leave, she has to go home.

Her mother is probably fast asleep already, it is possible she could go to bed unnoticed and leave early in the morning. This option she used very little as Y/N never wanted to come back there. A year ago, after her mother left her blood soak through the wooden floor, Y/N made promise into her scars that she will never lay eyes on mother again. She successed in that for a year so far, becoming a hitman that was quite infamous in town. But her fame started growing from mockery, as she was really addicted to poker.

Her eyes gazed on Tim, the cemetary worker, the buryer as she liked to call him. He was one of the granpas at this table, but one of the peaceful people in town. He never wanted her to kill, just to help him with his work, although Y/N hated it more than the murders, she didn't like the aftermath of her work. Tim, being satisfied, started organizing the coins on the table. No, she cannot go home tonight.

"So what's it gonna be, kid?" asked the other player, Miyka. Her green eyes stared on Y/N's face, her wrinkles scrunched in excitment. Oh, how she hated all of them. The girl faked thinking about it before tossing dramatically her last money onto the table. "I bet 20." It didn't sound as good when she started that low, but it was all she had left. Intstead of the usual giggle and witty lines and jokes they threw her way before following up on her bad choices, they sighed, almost in dissapointment. It frustrated her, it seemed like they cared what she does instead of what amount of money she holds. It seemed like they cared about her. A wave of fear pushed her like a tsunami at this thought. People that cared ended up hating her, hurting her.

"What!" she snapped. Miyka looked at Lios, her brother, in concern, while Tim silently reorganized his coins. She looked around the table, frown getting deeper and frustration blooming wider. What was wrong with them. "Well, Y/N" Lios began, "We are just kinda...worried about you. That's all." Miyka took the word next- her previous question has been an obvious tease, the girl was dissapointed. "You clearly have nowhere to go, so you are spending your time here which is.... we get it, but." She sighed, trying to find the right words. "It's not good." Tim helped her and smiled at Y/N as if it would calm her. It did not in fact, she felt more and more anxious about their care, anxious situations made her angry. She wondered why she didn't kill them all instead of those free targets, she would never have to pay another debt again, because there would be no poker players left to play and her addiction would dissapear. "So that's it, huh? You ain't gonna play because you are scared I could actually win?" she said in her defense. Nonsense, she knew, but her heart was sweating and she was glad it didn't blow up yet. "We just care, Y/N, that-"

"Care?! Remind me Lios of just how many people I killed for you, then talk about caring for someone's life!" she spat as she stood up. Lios was more than content to her way of paying, she had no idea why he apparently cared when he could have another enemy at his feet if he just played one more game. Miyka tried to calm her down, touching her hand softly only for Y/N to flinch, hard. Her vision began to blur, the floor shook beneath her and sweat poured on her face. It was like the room was on fire, but she was the only one feeling it. Other people at the pub, being entertainted by the game or simply just hanging ot there, looked worried, some even disturbed by her behaviour.

What was happening to her?

She leaned on the table with her palms, the wood trying to ground her as she closed her eyes to not feel theirs. Voices of the players echoed her head as sounds in a cave and they felt distant, but still could make her more nervous with their caring attitude. They soon fell in whispers, driving her insane. Then, she caught one voice that silenced all the muttering, it was clear, quiet yet she felt as if its breath was in her ear. "Why play, when you can take a life for the exact amount of money laying on this table?"

She recognized the voice, it belong to the fourth player, Haltt. His voice was known only in the game. Hearing him say a sentence was unusual and therefore very powerful. It was deep, low, hard. It had authority and respect and it didn't need to ask for it. He had everyone's attention, he controlled the room with only his silent voice.

Y/N's eyes looked into his dark ones, she had to find them in the shadows floating around him, as if he commanded to them as well. "What are you saying?" she asked carefully, not knowing why. Haltt observed the table, his salt-and-pepper- although more salt than pepper- short beard surrounding his mouth as it counted the cash, then let out a little chuckle that brought goosebumps to everyone close to him. "920 Neredi. Being a hitman, a respectful hitman, would make this amount your pocket change." He grabbed the rest of her money she threw on the table and looked over to Tim. The buryer shook his head hesitantly, knowing what Haltt wants to do, but all it took was the man's neutral gaze for Tim to fold. Y/N watched him slowly scooping the money and anger took over. She pinned his hand to the table, not looking away from his face. She could hear people drawing breaths in fear, but she was free from all the anxiety now, she was grounded by his scary presence, she liked it even.

Haltt's head slowly turned to her direction, his eyes creating a straight path to hers, his eyebrows climbing up as he said softly: " You want this?" When she didn't respond, he stood up, took her hand off of his gently, not letting go as his freed hand reached behind his back, pulling out a gun. She observed quickly, it was an older model, it was small and only one bullet fit into it- however she knew a man like Haltt would only ever need one bullet- he then rotated her hand and placed it in her palm. He released her only when she seized it. Y/N let her hand warm the handle before looking up at Haltt again. "Then go make it." he finished his statement and sat back down in the shadows. Y/N checked the inside of the gun and she confirmed her knowledge about it.

She scoffed. "One bullet" Haltt nodded as if he answered to her statement. "That's all you need, I know your skills." his glass clincked when his rings touched it, raising it to his lips. She waited until he drank the remainings of his whiskey, having the suspision he might continue. "You kill the target, you'll get double of this." Her surprise was voiced by everyone around her, gasping and unbelievably whispering. Lios looked at Haltt, telling him he cannot do this. But Haltt only looked at her. "No one here wants you to play. You made them care, something a hitman shouldn't do." She squeezed her free hand into a fist, knowing his eyes are reading her like cards on the table. He leaned in: "Take your reputation back, make them fear you instead." he said quietly and it seemed only she heard it. He retreated back into his seat, letting her simmer in his words.

She knew people stopped perceiving her as a threat, a force to be reckon with, a fearful killer, and started to look at her as a 15 year old that sometimes threw tantrums. People smiled at her, old men laughed at her when they drank beer at the bar, as if she was their granddaughter doing silly things. Once, she was feared, but now she behaved like an old woman trapped inside a teenage body with gambling addiction and alcoholism. Everyone treated her as a kid she never was, but Haltt seemed to remember who she was 6 months ago, to trust her potential, her skills she never lost, but used them to not drown in debts, not to her job. She suddenly became so connected to him, she was hypnotized. The sound of the chatty room blurred again as she explored the gray ocean behind Haltt's eyes. He let her, grinning as he watched her back straighten and her nose breathing in deeply. Then came the question:

"Who is the target?"

Halt's smile stabbed through his cheeks as he answered.

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Inej didn't allow herself a break until she got the that exact building Y/N told her to. She was nervous to say the least. If everything goes right, Pekka Rollins will be dead. It was unbelievable to even think about. The moonlight caressed her back and the salty wind danced around her in excitment. Ketterdam is cheering for them, it will be better off without Rollins. She thought of ways how to carve his heart out, she wanted to make a heart-shaped hole, but it was too complicated making the curves, it would take too long and she didn't want him to die before she was finished. She needed something quick, but symbolic. After all, when the stadwatch will find his body, her work should be admired. Or Deln's work, she hated he will take credit for it, but it's definitely for the best.

Soon, the spider heard two sets of footsteps beneath her. She looked down carefully, confirming it's Y/N. In the dark, she couldn't much see her 'friend', but she could feel the disgust and fear Y/N had from above, suspecting he might not be an actual friend after all. Another secret of hers she wished to uncover after this is over. The way Jesper talked about this girl is riling up an interest in her. She wanted to get to know her better, her fate might not much differ from her own and she would like to hear her story, she would like to see why Kaz seemed to hate her so much. She also hoped Y/N will stay with them after this. For Jesper's sake and maybe for Nina's nerves as she looked worried about her.

As Y/N dissapeared into the alley, Inej grabbed her knife, Sankt Petyr, that she sharpened moments before. The wind picked up and she stood motionlessly at the edge of the building. She watched lightened windows in the Smeet Residence, hoping no one will think about looking outside tonight. The house reminded her of one she encountered at the southern colonies of Novyi Zem. It was in a horrible shape compared to this, but it was a haven for the citizens there, they admired it like people in Ketterdam admire The Exchange. It was luxurious given the state of the land.

Her train of thought stopped before it reached a station, because her ears picked up a subtle voice, then a laugh. The sounds got louder as they slowly approached her. Rollins must be pretty nervous of the meet-up if he talked to himself, or he was not alone. A slight panic rose in Inej's chest and she prepared to make the uninvited dissapear. If Rollins truly had some company, she would have to wait until he saw Y/N to take it out, otherwise he might see her and change his mind. If we won't do it, somebody else will brought out fire in her stomach. The girl was right, if they won't try the lovely dessert of revenge, others might eat it whole with no crumbs left. She suspected Pekka is the main character in many unfinished death threats and planned out vengeances.

The Wraith took a deep breath as her eyes closed, slowing down her rapid heartbeat filled with excitment. When she opened them, the bright windows from the residence, along with the dimmed lights on the streets aluminated two beings walking. One was definitely the leader of one of the most dangerous gangs in Ketterdam.

And so was the other one.

She silently gasped, panicking again, her heartbeat picking up. What the fuck is Kaz doing here? And why was he bent over with Rollins' hand around his neck. Even though they were right across her, Inej was oblivious to their conversation- well, monologue if she was more accurate- because she was way too busy feeling the plan fall apart. This wasn't supposed to happen, Kaz was meant to know nothing and then just cheer and celebrate once they'd be done. Why did he always took matters into his hands?.

When she came back to reality, they were almost in the alleyway. The spider quickly followed them, never taking her eyes off of Kaz's helpless form. Her hands always gently grazed any surface she incountered, her feet always landing on the tips of her toes, her moves inspiring every ballerina in Kerch, yet now her hands were sliding off roughly and she had to bent her knees to make the landing silent. Her fear of her friend manipulated her body and she almost fell over the edge when the sharp turn of the building made an appearance, luckily she awokened from the feeling and stopped herself.

She was above the meeting place now.

On her right was Y/N with the strange man. Y/N was anxiously pacing around, obviously worried as they all were, even the man next to her who stood still as a pole was taking almost unseeable shuttered breaths. When the girl faced her direction, Inej wanted to warn her of the unexpected turn of events, but she wouldn't be seen anyway. As it turned out though, she also wouldn't have the time to catch her attention in time as the target slowly showed up on her left side, Kaz still in his grasp. Up close she could see the knife he held to his neck, already cut into the flesh. The man on her right stopped breathing and tried to hide his widened eyes, Rollins smirked as he saw him, shaking his head in disbelief. But the tension really sparked up when Y/N finally saw them, her eyes instantly digging into Kaz, while his were already screaming at her. Only two words bound them all together as they appeared on every present mind.

Oh fuck.

---------------------------------------------

Silence started perhaps being uncomfortable for Deln, yet Y/N only cared about the boy 5 meters in front of her. He wore blood, a lot of blood. His face showed bruises for every Barrel rat and every drop of blood that fell next to his feet tore a piece of her heart. But the worst thing was his expression, it was no longer hateful, nor angry. His eyes sinked into her and they washed her with almost a relief-like feeling, like he was happy to see her, or maybe upset to see her here, in a dangerous street that will be painted red by more than one person. His gaze was soft, almost pleading her to either run away or get closer to him.

He was worried.

"I told you to come alone if my memory is still serving right." Deln began the conversation, dragging both of their attention to him. He earned a chuckle from Rollins and a response as he squeezed Kaz's neck, straightening him up: "Well, I thought I might get the lovebirds back together, eh?" The knife retreated back to his pocket, revealing a red line on the boy's neck. Y/N allowed herself to let one tear roll down her cheek as an apology to him. Pekka must have kidnapped him, because there was no other explanation on why was he present. Deln was confused, he didn't know Dirtyhands as far as she knew, nor about her time with Hertzoon. "Aw, look at 'em, already pining for each other." Rollins mocked and pushed Kaz off of his hand. Y/N had a hard time keeping it together.

Deln sighed annoyingly and the hitman was glad he kept the plan on track. It was hard to admit he was actually a big help to her. "Whatever, let's talk business shall we? It's cold tonight. Don't wanna be out late." he said offered and Rollins laughed in his face again: "What, gotta read the slaves a goodnight story?" If she wasn't still in shock from Kaz, the plan would skip to the killing part very quickly. "Well, not anymore since you took 'em all away, didn't you." the slaver stated and wiped the smile off of Pekka's face quickly. Y/N had to admit he played the role she made for him perfectly and let the conversation rest in his hands, as she continued to worry silently about the bloodied boy.

The Dime Lions' leader seemed to get upset about Deln's forwardness, he probably thought he could talk his way out of it with his disturbing charm. He put his hands on his hips and shrugged. "It ain't my problem you keep 'em in a dirty warehouse. I offered them a room with a comfortable bed and good money if they were willing to smile. That ain't no crime, lad."

"I'm not interested in your architectural opinion on my slave-keeping. I am upset you stole my property." Y/N was very invested in the conversation she almost forgot her role was against Deln. Her tied hands turned him to her side by the shoulder and pierced him with her eyes. "Don't speak of them like that." she warned and he simpy scoffed her off. It wasn't much, she must admit, but it was enough to voice her stand in this matter. "HA! And what do you think you'll be after we're done here? You will be lucky if I allow you to work in my brothel." the last sentence was a warning, he could be so much cruel to her, like he was in his house. She was present finally, all worry stepped aside to make space for the anger she held and the focus she held earlier tonight sat back down on her mind.

"You won't touch her."

Ready to speak, Y/N was taken aback by his raspy voice with scary undertone. He spoke to her like that, not long ago. It was almost unreal he was defending her. As much as it brought shivers down her body, Rollins was unfazed by the threat. "You can barely stand, boy. What can you possibly do to me." he stated the obvious and continued once he looked her way again. "Besides, she really isn't worthy of your protection." He put one foot in front of the other slowly, walking over to her. She was on alert, if she had the opportunity, she wouldn't wait anymore and strangle him with her tired hands and her desire to dig his grave. He stopped few steps from her and reached into his pocket again, pulling out something else than a knife this time. "Lost this?"

A thin, almost not visible in the dark, black string was held between his fingers. The bracelet she lost. The one Kaz gave her on the last day they saw each other. She lost it in Rollins' office. Her temptation to reach for it was unseen by Y/N as her first instinct was to look at Kaz, who also drowned in the vision of the string. She broke her promise, a childish one, sure, but it destroyed her still. It always served as a reminder of her failure. How she failed to warn him and Jordie, how she wrapped his heart around her finger without knowing it and allowed Hertzoon to shatter it. The girl promised herself to not mess up this promise, at least one thing she could keep. In the end, she lost it too.

How does she deserve to live after destroying all good in her life?

"Yeah, cruel isn't she? Do you really think she cares about you, or anyone for that matter?" he talked to Kaz that was still mesmerized by the sight in Rollins' hand. Deln was silently watching the scene, the situation out of his hands now, the plan off of track. "You don't know anything about her, boy-". " You're wrong." she interrupted him. He turned to her, waiting to elaborate, the string still lifted between his fingers as if he was trying to hypnotize them. "I told him everything." Y/N continued as she silently wished with the last bit of hope he would take the bait. He didn't:

"Everything, eh?" he echoed as he turned his back on her and focused on Kaz fully. As he reached his personal space, his hand streched to him, giving him the bracelet. The boy fixated on it, swaying with the wind due to his trouble standing on the one good leg for this long. Rollins watched him closely, feeling Kaz's hand taking it almost immediately. When his coffee-like eyes reached his snake ones, Pekka uncovered Y/N's lie:

"Do you remember Ms. Hertzoon?"

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"...You what?"

"Don't you dare be offended, you manipulated her and then left us. You're as bad as I am."

That made them punch her strongly in the stomach. Funny, Rollins wanted to watch her suffer, but was too lazy to torture her himself. They were on this for 2 hours now, or she at least thought so, she couldn't tell if the ringing was only in her ears. Rollins had her sit on a chair and then asked questions. The first were stupid and simple, almost like a small talk: Did she rob him, why is she back, when did she get back, etc. She earned 5 different punches in this round. Then the latter began. They wanted to know what happened after the con trick- as he called it- which resulted in her split lip and first blood drawn. Then another small talk, remembering all their time together and then, the truth. "Where is your mother?" it began and ended in countless of other painful things she couldn't be bothered to remember.

"How." he almost whispered, it was so dramatic that Y/N would laugh if she wasn't wheezing with every breath. "Oh, please. Like you care." she fully expected the hit for that one, though it still hurt like hell. "How!" he ordered her and watched her grow a grin with her painted-red mouth. She could still feel the little gun in her little hand, standing at the foot of her mother's bed. She watched her sleep for a moment before she truly aimed. Haltt was right, it did get back her reputation. He gave her the money and she counted every single coin to make sure it really was doubled. Fortunately, he was an honest man.

"One bullet was all it took."

To say she regretted it would be a lie, the biggest one in history maybe. She second-guessed it on her way home, sure, but she more doubted Haltt's promise than her actions. However, once she really saw her mother's chest rise and fall, nothing was easier than to pull the trigger. If she was a monster in her eyes, she would become one in her memory.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH!" was the last thing she heard from him, then her ears were filled with ringing and also pain when her nerves couldn't take it anymore. Everything went dark after a while, she was sure she couldn't breath and her eyes zipped themselves tightly, but even though she lost consciousness, she was sure she never stopped smiling while it lasted.

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He always suspected some part of her story was left out, it would be unwise to tell him everything and she was not stupid. While Kaz did predict that something happened with the mother, he didn't expect this. He answered her eyes as they asked for connection and tried to assure them of his unchanged opinion. So what? He also done horrible things, they all have, especially Rollins. Such a hypocrite, that man. When he finished re-telling the story of Y/N's torture, he retreated from the boy's space, fortunately for him, because Kaz would have no hesitation in twisting Pekka's neck. Everything was silent for a while, the wind whispered cold around them as they all studied each other. Kaz looked at the building's roof next to them, seeing only darkness, but feeling her presence. He hoped that whatever Y/N planned to do with Inej would be useful. And what did he know, maybe this situation is going extremely well for them.

"Well, that is truly shocking, but unfortunetely, Y/N's dead mom won't solve this conflict. So let's solve it ourselves, shall we?" The slaver spoke and grabbed the girl next to him by the bicep, dragging her with him closer to Rollins. Kaz took a small, unnecessary step forward as a move to help her. Seeing Deln's hand on her made the water rise around him, he could feel her discomfort and felt it himself. They stopped and he threw the girl in front of him lightly, so she wouldn't fall, but aggressively enough, so she would sway. "Pay me for the slaves and she's yours, as promised." the boy's fist turned white at that, wishing he could hang Deln's organs at the lamppost. "Hmmm" groaned Rollins in thinking. "How much do ya want?"

"3000 kruge."

"Pardon?"

Deln rolled his eyes. "It was 100 slaves you stole from me, every slave is expensive and believe me, I'm giving you a discount right now." Rollins nodded at his explanation. At this point, Kaz thought about getting out of there. He was being ignored and would be forgotten in a while. Rollins couldn't see him, Deln could, but he doubted he would care. However, she could too, and his heart radiated an unfamiliar feeling at the thought of dissapearing without Y/N. If this situation happened with anyone else, he'd be already at the Slat, drinking shots and drowning in silence of his room. Dirtyhands planned the escape, Kaz refused to go through with it. He refused to leave her. "Alright, alright. How about this." Rollins spoke his thoughts. "I'll give you half of what they make me from now on and if you ever wander in the Sweet Shop, you won't have to pay." Deln was silent, but he was clearly concidering it.

"Huh? Sounds good?" Smiling Pekka streched out his hand and waited for a handshake. Every set of eyes watched Deln's movement, from his step closer, closer to Rollins, closer to Y/N, until he squeezed Pekka's hand, reflecting his expression. "That's a deal, then." said the robber. "Deal." said the slaver. Kaz didn't know what that meant and from the girl's face, he could tell the confusion was shared. Although, he truly realized this wasn't part of their plan after Deln quickly reached for Y/N's belt with the same hand that just closed a deal, pulling out a small gun, one that could barely fit a bullet, and aiming it at the hitman. She was frightened, taking steps back, but she didn't got very far when Deln grabbed her by the collar, holding her close to his body.

"Like mother like daughter."

He was instantly on the move, as fast as he could, trying to prevent what was about to happen. The bullet was faster though. Before hearing the gunshot, they heard Deln's scream. Y/N felt to the ground and Kaz was at her side immediately. His eyes panicking, trying to find the wound while his heart sounded the alarms and awakened fear. Not like this. He couldn't lose her like this. He soon found the gunshot and without thinking threw his hands to press it down. They never made contact with it, Rollins' knife already found its way back to his neck, pulling him away from her. "You didn't think I forgot about you, did ya?" he laughed in his ear before Kaz threw his head back, hitting him in the nose. The grip got loose and he turned around, sending his anger and frustration in his fist. Rollins tumbled and he kicked him on the ground, getting him closer to the place he belongs.

Deln moaned in pain and the boy finally saw the reason. Below his bent over form, a puddle of blood formed and in it swam his thumb, right above Sankt Petyr. The corners of his mouth lifted a bit, he couldn't remember how did he survive all this time without Inej watching over him and the crows, it made him grateful she is back for now. His eyes were set to find Y/N again, but he only saw a red trace from where she laid. She must've gotten away. Good girl.

He couldn't follow her steps, because Rollins already got up from the cobblestones, ready to strike. He breathed heavily, supporting the place Kaz kicked him in with his hand. He couldn't understand why Rollins always came back into his life. He tried to avoid him all his time in Ketterdam, yet life always brought them together. Or death, he wasn't sure, maybe they were destined to destroy each other. Pekka Rollins was like a mosquito bite: itching to be noticed and when Kaz does so, he feels a brief satisfaction before the itch comes back and is worse than before. He was also as annoying. It needed to be finished right here and tonight

The boy braced himself and waited on the mosquito's move, straightening himself. Little did he know, the shadow from above already closed in on the man. Kaz watched as she kicked his knee from the back and caught his hair, stopping him from falling fully on the ground again. Sankta Lizabeta could be soon visible above his heart, the tip waiting to be pushed in. Only then, Dirtyhands quietly sighed in relief.

"He still can't do it without ya, huh? Tell me boy, when will you start being a man and do things on your own?" Rollins mocked them as he recognized the face, which currently held the future of his heartbeat. Kaz limped slowly closer, feeling Inej's eyes on him. He lowered his head once he entered Pekka's personal space dangerously deep. "When my brother will get his revenge in hell."

As soon as the menacing words reached Rollins, his lips twitched up at the sight of Sankta Lizabeta slowly painting an imaginery outline of the man's heart, being applauded by his blood-curling scream. Inej wasn't the one for torture, but he could see the bit of joy in her eyes and the relief on her face. She deserved to be the one that would free Ketterdam from this parasite and he let her have it, already searching for the bloody trail Y/N left behind.

His eyes alerted him when they caught it and he began to follow the path, slowly, limping as Deln's whines cheered him on.

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The stars were with her, sometimes changing their position or widening in her eyes as they waited to claim her. Salty waterdrops tapped her tired legs, reminding her of where she sat. She imagined death many times, it wasn't unusual for someone in her profession. She remembered Tim talking about the peace that comes with it, saying it is kind, so it would be easier for the soul to leave the body. For her, it was obvious. Everything would be kinder than life. However, nothing could prepare her for the last moments. Y/N realized that no matter how much you imagine it, it will always surprise you. The knowing that this is the last time she is going to exist in wasn't something her brain could comprehend. Maybe that was the mystery death held, that was the fuel for the fear in others, not understanding until it was too late.

Wind played softly with her hair while it kissed the bruises of her now untied hands, and she tried hard to feel everything at the same time. The clothes touching her skin, the numbness in her feet, her shaky breath as it entered and left her system, but mostly, she tried to memorize the pain in her stomache and the bullet inside her body. It was an intense feeling, so she wanted to feel it as much as possible, before it would fade and with it her heart.

The hitman got hit.

This is how her victims probably felt. She brought this feeling to numerous lives. Her mother felt this way too. Y/N couldn't decide if dying felt good or disgusting, but she could be certain it was lonely. Even if people surrounded her, it wouldn't be better. It was an experience for her soul, no one from the outside could empathize.

She wondered where her grave would lay as the slow footsteps got closer. Y/N heard him limp next to her and it seemed like the stars noticed him too, because they stopped moving once he sat down, as though they only wanted to be seen by her. He was visibly tired, still bleeding from his neck.

Maybe he was feeling the final presence too.

Maybe her starts would take them both.

Silence and the waves crashing made the space between them comfortable, maybe too comfortable for her liking. His breath was disrupting hers as it naturally tried to match the rhythm. The moment became so peaceful, she almost forgot about their history. It felt like nothing happened between them, they were just kids, sitting by the port, watching stars and listening to the ocean. They weren't Dirtyhands and Saskia. They weren't the Bastard of the Barell and Snowflake.

They were Y/N and Kaz. As they were always meant to be.

"Do you believe in faith?"

It felt like yesterday since he asked her that question. Every shared memory of them felt so close to her now, as if time was all messed up. Maybe death was already doing its job. Kaz was taking his time with the answer, breathing heavily, as if the air had to fill his words first before she could hear them.

"Yes...I do."

He exhaled, his low empty voice responding. Her lips lifted into a messy smile, her muscles were losing their power all over her body, but that didn't stop her from reaching into her coat and pulling out a folded, bloodied paper that her fingers swiftly grabbed from her slaver's back pocket before he could shoot her. It was almost bizzare, how a small, easily rippable piece made her revisit the demons of the past. She wondered if Deln wanted this all along. Maybe he wanted Rollins to kill her, so he could make his deal with him. Or maybe it was just faith, wanting to see how far she would go for a false sense of freedom.

"It doesn't mean anything." Y/N stated as she felt Kaz looking at the release paper. "I just needed proof that I'm not under anyone's influence anymore, but..." her eyes followed the ongoing waves. They looked like on a leash, as if someone released them, so they could explode onto the harbor's walls, only to pull them back again shortly after, reminding them they were still being controlled. It seemed torturous, humiliating. It looked like her. "...I will never be free of him."

Y/N couldn't look at the boy, even if his burning gaze could only be extinguished by an eye contact. He was right, she was a monster. She could see it now and she wouldn't hide from this fact. She would accept herself before her heart would stop singing. It was the least she could do with the very limited time, coming to terms with her own self.

The stars started moving again slowly as Kaz spoke: "He can't control you anymore..." His tone showed certainty. Inej had to claim her souvenir of revenge by now, but he still managed to squeeze out a scoff from the hitman. She couldn't believe he allowed himself to be so naïve. Rainbow won't repair the damage done by storm, same as killing Pekka Rollins won't erase his actions and the following conciquences. His influence made her do things beyond his leadership. It scarred her for life, and those scars bled onto others without the possibility to heal. She bled on him too. She killed his brother for fuck's sake.

"The things he caused precedes him." Y/N finally looked at Kaz, his eyes seemed to be glowing in her hallucinating mind. "I can't be changed." She whispered, knowing he would hear every single letter. The moon illuminated him perfectly. His features casted a soft look under its light and Y/N was glad this would be the appearence of him she would take to her grave. She was happy to become one of the stars that would continue to shine on him.

Suddenly, death seemed very pretty.

The girl saw his hand on hers before she could feel it. It was weirdly warm, even though he barely touched her. His eyes demanded her ears' attention as he spoke, slowly, so she could feel the words. "You don't need to be changed."

Her mind was confused. How could he even speak such things?

"I am a killer." she reminded him.

"Not by choice." he argued.

"I killed my own mother and enjoyed it." she was restless in making him hate her.

"Your mother's conciquences of her own actions." he dodged her attempt.

"I killed your brother." was when she knew she would win. It wasn't excusable. Nothing could possibly erase this from Kaz's mind, no apology was enough, she was certain. That was the reason she couldn't understand why Kaz's hand began to hold hers more tightly as his eyes studied the wound in her stomache, covered by her arm that desperately tried to prevent the blood from pouring out, but it became more and more hopeless. "You're dying and not doing anything about it." he aknowleged. Y/N smiled briefly, from pain and also from his slow understanding of her plan.

"I deserve it." she spoke weakly, every word felt heavy on her tongue and she was about to give in to their weight. He only observed her, as her body was slowly losing the ability to move, as her energy was being sipped by the waves below. It suddenly felt a bit scary for her, she was in the process of dying and it strangely ignited the last bit of her will to live.

Kaz did nothing, he only asked: "Why?" She looked at him, her eyes shooting fear. She guessed she would engage with every emotion before turning off. Maybe the nature granted this privilege to every person, so they would get to have the proper goodbye to their body.

"I never done anything good, I only brought pain." her lips responded, making Kaz nod slowly. Y/N gasped softly as the fear intensified. This feeling was unlike any before, like her life was slowly slipping through her body, through the wound. Her arm pressed tightly, as much as she could to slow down the inevitable, but it was too late. "Maybe it's time to change that." Kaz spoke. She wouldn't be able to change her ways if she died, the only thing she would remember about this life was how she made it difficult for everyone else.

Y/N sighed, death was almost touching her, heart was losing its music. She no longer felt the waterdrops on her legs and the stars dimmed their light. "It's too late."

The port beneath her began to sway, as if it would tip over to the ocean anytime. She gripped the concrete edge, slipping her hand from Kaz's to do so, trying to stop it from moving, only for it to sway more. She picked her eyes up at the sky, seeing only her five stars in the black treacle sky, as her body pushed closer to the waves.

Death awaited her.

Like those waves, Y/N was suddenly pulled back by someone's hands, feeling her body lift up from the port, supported in the air. Her form bounced with every other step and another warm breath kept mixing with hers. She imagined those arms were of an angel, bringing her to heaven. Or a devil, bringing her to hell. She gave into its touch nonetheless.

"I know you're not very good at keeping them, but would you promise me one last thing?" a voice asked her, a low and a tired one. One that could only belong to an angel the way it kept her dying heart beating. The girl could only hum, agreeing to the angel's request. The voice sounded serious, threatening almost, but she could hear the worry hidden behind it, as it spoke.

"Don't make me lose you."

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Nina whined, having trouble with breathing as her hands shook from the need to be put down. She saved the Dregs numerous times from a certain death, yet Y/N exceeded her expectations. The heartender tried her very best to wake her heart up, while Jesper and Wylan panicked to pull out the bullet and seize the wound, so no more blood would be lost. What wasn't helpful, though, was Brekker, constantly yelling at them for trying harder. She understood that his anger was powered by the fear for that girl, but that didn't put out the urge to fill his face with more wounds, maybe a broken nose even.

"I swear, Nina. If she dies.." he exclaimed again, not helping the situation in any way.

"It will be on you!" Nina barked at him, frustration clearly visible not only on her tone, but her tired features. Her eyes shot to Jesper and Wylan an apologizing look as she saw their hands bloodied and faces worried. The door swinged open behind her, revealing Inej. Nina felt relief wash over her as she saw her. Kaz would maybe stop being such an asshole in her presence.

"Is she breathing?" Inej asked and immediately moved to Y/N's lying form, putting her cheek above her nose. "Barely." Wylan answered stressfully. Kaz's worry shifted to fear, Nina could sense that, even when her full focus was on the hitman's weak heart. She was barely alive, but the heartender was still surprised it could beat. She was strong and Nina hoped she would continue to fight.

Jesper gasped heavily and looked at her. "The wound's sealed!" he sounded so hopeful and it brought Nina some strenght to see him like this. She had to take quick breaths before tightening her hands in the air one more time, fastening Y/N's heartbeat. Fortunetely, it worked. "She's breathing again!" Inej said with a small smile, causing Kaz to limp closer to see for himself. His own wounds weren't yet treated, but Nina didn't even try to convince him. He had trouble looking after himself when one of them was hurt, she could imagine how much worse it was in this case, where his heartbeat's fire was on the brink of death.

She could feel the heartbeat pick up to a slow pace. It wasn't yet normal, but at least she didn't have to control it now. Nina put her hands down and fell down on an armchair beside her. Everyone in the room fell victims to exhaustion, Nina closed her eyes for a moment, just focusing on her breathing. Wylan was the first to stand up and slowly make his way out of the room with the words she'll be alright, Nina, you did a great job. Jesper followed, squeezing Nina's shoulder and nodding shortly at Kaz, before the door closed after him too.

"You either let me treat your wounds or you will go and get some sleep." she offered to the man, her eyes fixated on Y/N. She was glad he, at least, wrapped his neck in a bandage during this hard time, but he had other quite serious wounds she had to treat sooner or later. Kaz allowed himself to be predictable as he stared at the hitman and then slowly limped out of the room. Before he did though, he surprised her after all.

"Thank you."

Nina's head snapped his way and watched him leave, she didn't expect that. Inej sat next to her on the armrest, following her eyes to the laying girl. "You should rest as well, I know how tired you are." the heartender studied her features with a caring look. Her friend fought the sleep well so far, which she hated to see. "I'm not leaving you alone." the spider said with a decisive eyes connecting with hers. She knew the heartender couldn't sleep herself, as she had to look out for Y/N's heart. Nina flashed a defeated smile. She was grateful for her presence, she missed her a lot, but it would ease her mind if she went to sleep. However, knowing her stubborn mind, she scooted over to the very side, creating a tiny space for Inej to sit, which her friend accepted with a smile.

"Alright then. Tell me how you killed Rollins and DON'T spare any details."

------------------------------------------------

[liliumsabyss]

In The Small Moments

Pt1, Part 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5…

Kaz Brekker x Gn Reader

Summary: Moulin Rouge/Satine Inspired!Reader and Kaz go undercover at a ball only for things to go terribly wrong.

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48845809/chapters/123220936

Word Count: 856 (I think)

Tw: Angst and Fluff, Swearing, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Sex Work, No Smut, Mentions of Death, Forced Marriage, Manipulation, PTSD, reader called handsome but could be interrupted as in the old timey gender neutral way, maybe OOC Kaz Brekker, also potentially could be interpreted as suicidal ideation, mentions of suicide, Characters are like 25-ish and Pekka Rollins

A/n: sorry y’all I’ve had this for awhile and posted

The heist had gone successfully. The crows had gotten what they needed as they waited back at the base for Kaz and (Y/n) who were to take a carriage back to meet them. It was silent as they only sat around the flat boredly. Jesper leaned back in his chair throwing a pouch that was full of kruge into the air catching it repeatedly huffing impatiently.

“ So…” Jesper finally started “ What do ya think about the boss and (Y/n).”

“ Think about what?” Wylan asked, confused looking up from his book on thermodynamics, titling his head towards his boyfriend scrunching his eyebrows.

“ Y’a know the whole mutual pining thing.” Jesper responded waving his arms around acting like it was the most obvious thing, the bag of kruge rattling as he did so. The rest had just stopped what they were doing, staring at Jesper in various ways from confusion to annoyance  to shock at his bluntness of the situation that none of them dared speak of. Nina clicked her tongue shaking her head.

“ What?! You know I'm right!” The sharpshooter exclaimed when Nina gave him a sharp glare at his 

“ Hell I’d even bet that (Y/n) will confess any day now” He continued as the healer just scoffed and Jesper rolled his eyes.

“ You want to put money on that?” Nina quipped, shocking everyone else in the room, Jesper quickly recovered smirking as he nodded his head confidently.

“ 20 kruge that (Y/n) confesses first,” The sharpshooter spoke confidently.

“ And 50 Kruge that Kaz confesses first, if you're right I will even add in an extra 50 kruge.” Nina replies back, shrugging her shoulders, picking at her fingernails.

“ Damn 70 Kruge, you got yourself a deal” Jesper says, winking only to be interrupted by the sound of the door slamming open, he staggers in his seat nearly falling backwards. Kaz walks through the door, his expression more bitter and hostile than usual. He leans against the doorway grasping slightly at his leg before pushing against the door and limping inside. Nina quickly got up, shutting the door to prevent the cold night air from wafting in. The leader of the crows settled in his seat taking a shaky breath out.

“ Where is (Y/n)?” Inej questioned cautiously from where she sat in the darkest corner of the room. The others all stared cautiously but expectantly at Kaz.

“ I do not know. I asked one of the guards on the way out and they were seen with Pekka.” Kaz spoke darkly as he stared daggers into the floor, clenching his fists so tightly he could feel his fingernails pressing through his gloves.

“ Jesper,” Kaz barked “ I want everything on them you can find.”

Jesper stood up quickly loading his revolver and stuffing it into his belt as he hurried off out of the slat barely saying goodbye to Wylan by giving him a swift kiss on the cheek. The door of the slat shut creaking as the rest set in silence.

“Inej-” Kaz started his voice just as harsh to Jesper but aimed toward Inej, a tone that almost never would be used towards her. Inej who already had her daggers stored in their sheethes on her belt and her hood up, interrupted the currently infuriated male.

“ Already on it.” She gave a firm nod to accompany her response as she left swiftly and quietly like always.

Wylan and Nina quietly observed Kaz as he stood unmoving, his jaw clenched, his fists angrily snapped closed, his breath increased in its heaving. The three remained in near silence as the pair cautiously backed out of the room giving the man his space. 

The only question that crossed Kaz Brekker’s mind was Why had he trusted you, why had he let his inhibitions down for you out of all people. Just look where that got him. His mind spiralled and he let it because more times or not betrayal had been the result of someone or something he trusted. But of course his bad luck had run its course again with you. And of course Kaz Brekker being Kaz Brekker assumed the worst of you, only briefly did the notion that you may have been taken against your will flash across his thoughts. But even then he still wouldn't fully believe you hadn’t betrayed him until he saw full evidence. He sat like that until the moonlight slowly floated away and the rays of early dawn illuminated the foggy streets. The door to the slat creaked open figure slipped in his coat flowing behind him as he entered the room at the same time Kaz stood up his eyebags much more prominent making large dark circles under his eyes, his hair dishevelled from running his hands through it, and his skin a sickly shade of pale. Jesper slid past him sitting in one of the wooden chairs creaking alongside the floorboards which creaked when Wylan and Nina came in at the same time as neither looked well rested. In fact none of the people in that room looked rested.

“Well I found out about our little friend…”

[swanimagines]

WALLS | KAZ BREKKER

Summary: Kaz has been closed off in your relationship from the very start, and you trying to talk about it makes him shut off. But there's always the next day.

You and Kaz had been dating for a while - you thought you knew what you signed up for when you asked Kaz if he’d like to be your boyfriend and he warned you about not being able to be a boyfriend you see on the streets. But even after months, he was still just as closed off as he was when you started dating, and you decided to take it up on the table.

“Kaz?”

He glanced up to you briefly from the table, still writing his notes to his plans. “Hm?”

You swallowed, trying to figure out the words. “I… um, I feel like our relationship is one-sided.”

Kaz paused for a moment, slowly lifting his eyes to you and narrowing his eyes slightly. “What do you mean, one-sided?”

“I mean,” you started, thinking over your words again. “I feel like I’ve been opening up to you, I’ve shared my thoughts with you, my feelings, but you haven’t. I… I know it’s hard for you, I do, but it still feels like there’s a… wall in between us?”

Kaz took in a deep breath, his eyes going back on the blueprint. "You knew what I was like before we got together," he then said. "I never promised you a fairytale romance."

"I know, and I accepted that," you replied, trying to keep frustration off your voice. "But that doesn't mean I don’t have needs in this relationship too. I can't keep pouring my heart out while you keep most of yourself locked away. It's exhausting."

Kaz let out a sigh, his shoulders tensing up. "I’ve let you see a side of myself most people will never see. You said it will be enough. What else would you want from me?"

You sighed. “To let me get closer to you. For you to trust me enough to let me see beyond that wall of yours. I want to be there for you, but I can’t do that unless you let me close.”

Kaz took in a deep breath, his nostrils flaring. “I can’t change overnight just because you demand it.”

“I’m not asking you to–”

Kaz interrupted you. “This is who I am and if you can’t bear that, then maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

Your eyes widened at that, and you quickly shook your head. “No, Kaz, don’t say that.”

“You’re just a distraction I won’t be able to have right now,” Kaz retorted, tracing his finger along the blueprint.

You fell silent for a moment, his words echoing in your ears.

Distraction.

“Distraction? Is that all that I am to you?” you whispered, swallowing.

Kaz’s jaw clenched. “That’s not what I said.”

“Well, it sure sounded like that,” you murmured, your voice breaking slightly. The next words poured out through your lips before you had time to think them over. “Maybe it’s time that you stop pretending you care about anything else than yourself and your damn heists.”

Kaz’s eyes snapped up to you, and he scoffed. “You think you understand me? You have no idea what I’ve gone through to get into this position.”

You shook your head, your hand slightly inching towards Kaz’s, but he pulled his hand away. You closed your eyes for a moment, retreating your hand too. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, but… I’m trying to understand, Kaz, but I can’t understand if you won’t let me in.”

He huffed. “Letting people in only leads to betrayal and disappointment, I learned that long ago.”

You stared at him, and then slowly stood up, the chair legs scraping against the wooden floor. “You think I’ll disappoint you?”

"You're naive if you think this could ever work," Kaz said, clenching his hands to fists, the leather creaking from the pressure. "I don't have time for distractions, and you'll only end up getting hurt."

That was it. Your tears started spilling, and you looked up at the roof before you willed yourself to look at Kaz again, who had lowered his gaze back to the blueprint. You scoffed at how he didn’t even look at you.

"Fine," you choked out. "If that's how you feel, then maybe you're right. Maybe I am just a distraction to you, and maybe we shouldn’t be together."

Kaz lifted his gaze again but you had already turned your back to him, marching towards his office door. He tried to force himself to call after you, but instead, he just stared as you slammed the door closed.

The sound of the door slamming echoed around his office, and he let out a silent groan, listening to your fading footsteps going down the stairs. You’d probably stay the night at someone else’s room at the Slat, you had looked way too angry to sleep next to his bed tonight.

Sure enough, when Kaz made his way to the Slat some hours later, you were nowhere to be seen in your shared room at the attic. He stood there for a moment, before shedding off his coat and started preparing for the bed, soon finding himself under his black sheets. He glanced towards your bed, as if to hope you’d magically appear there, but as you hadn’t, he turned off the oil lamp and turned to his side, closing his eyes.

—

Horse hooves on the stoned street made Kaz stir awake, the dim sunlight through the thick clouds lighting up his room. He opened his eyes and turned - and saw you sleeping in your bed. Your back was towards him, he had no idea if you were awake or still asleep, and Kaz knew he’d rather not find out whether you were still as angry as yesterday. He knew he should talk to you once you’d wake up, and he should also get up from the bed - but his Dirtyhands side was strongly against it.

Dirtyhands did not apologise.

But in this case, maybe Kaz Brekker should let Kaz Rietveld in with you.

With a sigh, he stood up and went to his wardrobe, changing off his pyjamas. He was buttoning up his waistcoat when he heard you groan and stir, the sheets rustling as you brought your hand up to rub your eyes.

Kaz turned to look at you, but you hadn’t yet noticed him standing there. He debated whether he should speak up or wait until you were fully awake, but then you sat up as you yawned. Your eyes finally met his, and you froze.

The room turned quiet for a moment, the weight of tension filling the room. Both of you just stared at each other, things said the previous day weighing down on you - both of you being unsure if you meant what you said to each other.

Kaz took in a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice uncharacteristically gentle. “I shouldn’t have said those things, I should have listened to you. It was wrong of me to dismiss your feelings like that.”

You frowned and brought your hands in front of you. “You’re apologising?”

Kaz nodded slowly. “I am. I… I believe I didn’t think a relationship should be a two-way road. I like hearing you tell me about your day, how I make you feel, how happy I made you on your birthday - I didn’t think I should return it.”

You stared at him for a moment longer. “I want to be there for you, Kaz. But it’s been difficult when you’re pushing me away - and yesterday proved the reason why I hadn’t talked about it before, you immediately made your walls rise up when I tried to talk with you.”

Kaz stepped closer to the bed, hesitating for a moment but then grazing your arm with the tips of his fingers. “You’ve never been a distraction, nor you are a burden.”

You nodded, smiling softly at him before you carefully linked your pinky with his. “Apology accepted. I love you.”

Kaz froze. It was the first time you said it - you love him. He took in a shaky breath, and you blinked, shaking your head. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean to overwhelm–”

“I love you too,” he forced himself to get out, and it felt like something heavy pressing down his heart was just lifted when now you, in turn, froze. Then, a wide smile emerged to your face, and Kaz’s smile mirrored it a few seconds after.

For that morning, you sat there together like two lovesick teenagers you were - and the gloomy city of Ketterdam felt sunnier than ever.

---

Requests are always open! FANDOM LIST | PROMPT LIST(S) | RULES (READ!!!)

[the-sound-of-her-wings]

don't stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos

❀ Premise: You get injured on the job and Kaz loses his mind about it. When you are on the mend, both of you learn what it means to start on a journey towards healing ❀ Word Count: 2,338 ❀ Content Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Gore, Blood, & Violence, Kaz beats someone to death with his gloved hands, Infection of A Wound, Hurt/Comfort

It was supposed to be an easy job. Break in, forge some documents, destroy some others, and you're done. It was a trap, but everyone knew that going into it.

Still, you weren’t expecting this much effort to go into killing the crows. You’ve been trying to stay out of the line of fire, aiding the various crows when they call out for help. You’re on your way to helping Inej heal a minor wound when it happens.

You feel the knife before you see it. Of course, target the healer you think to yourself, trying to wrestle your attacker off you before they're able to rip the knife back out of your body. You fail, like you thought you would. A bullet whizzes past your head, hitting your attacker in the head, and killing them instantly.

"You're bleeding?" Jesper yells, as if he's never seen you injured before.

"That tends to happen when you get stabbed!" You yell back.

Another bullet flies past you.

You place your hand over your wound, trying to heal yourself enough to remain useful. Instead, your hand pulls away from your hip covered in blood.

"I need to leave." You say, flashing your bloody hand.

"Y/N! This way, quickly!" Nina yells from behind Jesper.

You stumble forward, trying to keep yourself from falling over. The pain isn't too much, but the blood loss… somebody has to stop the blood loss.

"I've got you," Kaz says, appearing on the side opposite the wound, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Thanks, Kaz" You state.

"There's a safe house nearby," He reassures.

"I know. I've healed you there many times before." You reply.

You make it out of the building, but not before losing at least three pints of blood. You’ve got a headache, and your dizzy, and you’ll probably pass out in a very short amount of time.

“Where did Nina go?” You ask, starting to slow down a little.

“Making sure the safehouse is still safe.” He says.

“Oh. How’d she get that far ahead of us?” You question.

“She’s not bleeding out,” Kaz states.

“Sorry for bleeding out on you,” You say, words starting to slur. You aren’t sure how you’re still walking. “I’ll keep my blood in my body next time.”

“We’re almost there,” Kaz replies, barely managing to stay upright himself, as most of your weight leans against him.

“Quickly!” Nina shouts, urging the both of you into the safe house.

“I think I need to lie down.” You say, slowly collapsing to the floor. Blissful unconsciousness greets you shortly after.

“Brekker, help me get her to the table,” Nina commands.

Kaz is no longer consciously aware of what’s happening around him. He’s able to follow most of Nina’s directions, but he’s not physically there. He’s retreated into his mind, where the emotions begin to fester.

The inside of Kaz’s mind is a series of mazes, locked doors, dead ends, and brick walls. They are defenses he built for himself, to protect him whenever something terrible happened. The more trauma he endured, the more complicated it became for him to express his emotions. And then, one day, the only emotions that he would allow to emerge from his skull were anger and rage.

He looms over your unconscious body, eyes sharp as knives, covered in your blood. If he ever finds the man who did this…

“BREKKER!” Nina shouts, snapping him out of his disassociation. She’s kneeling by your unconscious body, trying her best to seal your wound while being flooded with Kaz’s emotions. “You aren’t helping.” She runs her hand through her hair, frantic. “If you don’t calm down I’m going to have to kick you out of this room. Do you understand?” Your wound is beginning to unseal itself as she loses concentration.

Kaz swallows his emotions, pushing them back into the pit they had suddenly erupted from. “Yes,”

“Good. Now let me focus,” Returning to your wound, she’s able more or less seal it- at least enough that the bleeding stops completely.

Were he a different man, he may have kept vigil over you for the days that followed. Watched over your unconscious body, thinking of all the things he wanted to say to you when you woke up. To apologize for having fell for an obvious trap. Were he another man, he may have dabbed at your head with a cool towel, trying to quell the fever that arose. Held your hand. Prayed for your return. But Kaz was not another man.

He was the Bastard of the Barrel. Dirty Hands. And he was going to kill every single person who had anything to do with that cursed job. At least, he would have, had the other Crows not been there to ground him in reality.

Kaz leaves the safe house, heading straight back into the fight. To be honest, he’s not in much better shape than you, but the adrenaline keeps him upright and the rage keeps him deadly. A bullet lands in a pillar beside him, but he ignores it.

Inej approaches him while he is still beating up the man’s corpse. Everyone who tried to kill them is dead.

He feels a fist land on his back and turns around to meet its owner. And then the rage takes over. Have you ever wondered how many times you have to hit someone before they're dead?

Kaz knows the answer, but he passed that number a very long time ago.

“Kaz,” She says, quietly. She places a hand on his shoulder, but he continues.

“I think he’s dead,” Jesper deadpans.

Slowly, the punches start to slow down, until he finally stops. He stands up, shakily, absolutely covered in blood from head to toe. He is still too angry to notice that he’d been crying. Jesper and Inej notice, but say nothing.

“Let’s go,” Inej says, handing Kaz his cane.

Nina is sitting with a cup of tea when they arrive back at the safe house, staring deeply into the cup.

“How is she?” Jesper asks.

“She’ll live, most likely,” Nina replies, glancing towards the group. Her eyes narrow as she sees Kaz covered in more blood than he left with. “It’ll be a while before she recovers.”

“We should plan our next move,” Kaz states, though he really means he should plan their next move. Which is revenge, of course.

“It should start with changing your clothes.” Nina retorts.

Kaz gives Nina a look.

“Don’t you look at me like that when I just saved the person you love,” Nina hisses, letting go of her cup of tea and slapping her hands against the table. It rattles, splashing some of the tea. “You know she wouldn’t want to see you like this,” She mutters, returning to her tea.

“I think washing up’s a good idea. Anybody disagree?” Jesper asks the room of severally traumatized people trying desperately to not let their emotions take over.

He does not get a response. Instead, the crows each find themselves going separate ways within the house, giving each other time to process what has just occurred.

XXXXX

“Kaz?” You ask, barely making out his figure in the dark room.

“I’ll go get Nina-” He says, standing up.

“No- stay. Please.” You plead.

He sits back down in the chair at the far end of the room.

“Come closer,” You beckon.

He moves to the chair beside your bed- the one the others had been taking turns using. The one Jesper sat in, recounting his day, pretending like you were awake. The one Nina sat in while she re-examined her work, taking the bandages on and off a wound that shouldn’t still be leaking. The one Inej sat in, drip-feeding you water so you didn’t dehydrate while you slept. Each of them had their own little task, their thing they did to make them feel like they were helping you heal.

Kaz just stared at you from afar, terrified. He knows what dead people look like- what they feel like- and for a while, you didn’t look much better than them. Tonight is the first time he’s ever sat in this chair. The first time he’s felt safe enough to do so since you got stabbed.

“Can you check the wound?” You ask. “I’m not strong enough to take off the bandages…”

“Are you sure you don’t want Nina?” He replies, already slowly peeling the covers off your body.

“So she can make it worse? No. I don’t need Nina for this.” You respond.

Hearing you quip again makes him feel better. The fact he has to touch your skin to take the bandages off, however, is a different kind of battle. The gloves are there as protection, as they always are, but he worries they aren’t enough.

“Kaz” You breathe.

“Y/N?”

“Deep breaths. In for five, hold for three, out for five.” You coach.

He nods. In for five, hold for three, out for five.

The first layer of bandage is off, still a pristine white.

In for five, hold for three, out for five.

A light pink and yellow mixture lightly coats this layer.

In for five, hold for three, out-

“Kaz? What is it?” You ask.

He could vomit- he might, even. This last layer of bandages is almost soaked, with a yellowish outline surrounding a red center.

“I knew I had an infection,” You say with a weak sigh.

He looks away as he peels this last layer off, trying to pretend he didn’t see it at all. Your skin is raw, irritated, and angry. It hasn’t gotten enough air.

“Is there puss?” You ask.

“Yes,” Kaz replies, trying to look anywhere but at the wound.

“Of course. Go get Inej. We’re going to need someone with a strong stomach.”

He nods and gets up to leave.

“And do me a favor- wash your gloves. There should be another pair in the cupboard.” You call after him.

As he comes out of the room, the rest of the crows are waiting.

“She’s awake,” Kaz states, holding the bandages in his hands.

“What did she say?” Jesper asks.

“She needs someone with a strong stomach.” He looks at Inej and cocks his head back toward the door.

“Infection,” Nina states, her lips quirking upward in disappointment.

“You did the best you could,” Jesper tries to reassure. “It was enough to keep her alive.”

“That remains to be seen,” Nina says.

Inej spends the next few minutes making trips in and out of your bedroom, carrying in clean bandages, carrying out bloody clothing, carrying in clean water, carrying out a bucket of- well. Finally, she exits the room for the final time, carrying more used bandages.

“How is she?” Kaz asks.

“Better. She was able to clean up the infection, but it will take her a few days before she gains enough strength to heal her wound completely.” Inej states.

“Did she say anything else?” Nina questions.

“I’m sure you’ll get an earful later, Zenik.” Jesper teases.

“She wanted to see Kaz,” Inej responds. “If you’ve changed your gloves.” She adds.

Kaz nods and enters the room after Inej leaves.

“Hi,” You say, sleepily. Cleaning up the infection took a lot out of you.

“Hi,” He mirrors, sitting in the chair next to your bed.

“Can you give me some water?” You ask.

He nods, bringing the glass up to your lips. You take slow, long sips, trying not to upset your stomach. When you stop taking sips, he pulls the glass away from your mouth.

“How long do you think you’ll need to recover?” He questions.

You laugh, and then you wince, because you really shouldn’t be laughing right now. “About a week. They missed my vital organs. Why do you ask?”

“I need to know how long my healer will be out of commission,” He responds like all you are to him is a means to an end. You would have believed that, once.

“You’ve been crying,” You point out. You don’t point out the new dark circles under his eyes, or how he looks paler than you’ve ever seen him.

“I’ve been sick,” He says, deflecting.

“I will be okay, Kaz. I promise,” You say, wanting to caress his hand. You aren’t strong enough to do it, and the gloves would prevent him from feeling your touch anyway. If he would even allow you to touch his gloved hand.

“Nothing like that will ever happen again,” He says, through gritted teeth.

“You can’t promise that. Not in this line of work.” You reply, searching for answers in his eyes.

“It won’t happen again.” He repeats, and you see the cracks starting to form. “I- I can’t let… I need.. I…you,” He stammers, trying not to cry.

“I’m alive. I’m here.” You say, “Touch me. I’m here,”

Kaz’s breath is shaky as he reaches for your exposed arm. He traces up and down your arm with a gloved finger in slow, repetitive motions.

“That’s it. Now breathe,” You instruct.

His breath slowly begins to stabilize as he breathes in while his finger moves down your arm and out while it moves up. Eventually, he’s calm again, and he works up the courage to lay his hand on top of yours.

“I will heal,” You state. “So- so will you. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s going to take a long time, but… we’ll heal.”

You don’t expect he’ll ever be able to touch someone without that protective barrier- that’s more a part of him now than it is something that needs to be fixed.

“You should rest,” You tell him.

“So should you,” He retorts.

“If you aren’t going to leave, at least take a blanket,” You state, wanting to hit him with a pillow.

It doesn’t take long for both of you to fall asleep. You, safe in your warm bed, healing from a wound that you just received. Him, asleep in a chair, just starting to heal from a childhood full of trauma.

[cyberstrm]

kaz brekker affection hcs

show!kaz brekker x gn!reader

cws: none

a/n: hi! i'm alive! exam szn is finally over and its time for some soft kaz hcs

kaz is definitely an acts of service/gift giving kinda guy. you discover your favourite food? it'll be ready and in your hands every evening without fail. you need something fixed? he's on it. see something nice in a shop window? it's yours now.

loves to send you stuff with lil notes attached. usually flowers, he always seems to know when the ones he got you previously are about to wilt

"y/n. enjoy the flowers. k.b

words of affirmation are not really his forte. he doesn't like to reveal how he feels, so his kinder words are reserved for special moments or when you two are completely alone

"you know i care about you, love. i'd never let anything happen to you."

only when he really trusts you does he allow for physical touch. you have to take it super slow, and he has a few actions that feels safe for him, like holding your face, kissing you, and tracing your collarbones.

he also shows his affections in his protectiveness of you. like. if anyone tries ro hurt you or get to you, they're in for a painful surprise

he's not a quality time person. of course he loves to spend time with you, but the nature of his profession sometimes makes that difficult

in terms of what he likes, he's super hypocritical and adores words of affirmation. he loves when you tell him how you feel about it, it just warms him

"tell me how you feel, doll."

"you know how i feel about you, kaz."

"i want to hear you say it."

[valentinedaughtler]

GRISHAVERSE MASTERLIST:

•smut🫀

•angst🥀

•fluff☁️

•headcannons✨

•series 🌘

•drabbles 🌱

•Song fic🪩

______________________

Characters:

•Kaz Brekker

•Haven’t I Given Enough?🩶💜🌱

Synopsis: You’ve known Kaz for years, inventing gadgets to assist in heists and being his right hand ‘man’. One night you ask him if you can join a heist, but it doesn’t go as planned….

•Tainted Opal (Part 1) - A ‘Tell’ in Poker🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: You are a seductress who owns a large stolen jewelry business in Ketterdam. You approach Kaz for assistance after your business partner steals all of your money and your poison ring.

•Tainted Opal (Part 2) - Hand-Stitched Crimson Roses🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: You meet up with Kaz for a meeting on the down-low at the Crow Club, but your vulnerability slips.

•Tainted Opal (Part 3) - Pirates🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: You prepare for the heist, boarding the ship with Kaz and his Crew. (Domestic fluff with the crows)

•Tainted Opal (Part 4) - Tattoos on Her Chest🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: When Pirates attempt to rob the crows, you use your tailor abilities to trick them. You attempt to open up to Kaz.

•Tainted Opal (Part 5) - To Kill a Mother🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: When Kaz questions your life before Ketterdam and your trust, you discuss your upbringing with him. (You also cook dinner with Kaz and it’s cute.)

•Tainted Opal (Part 6) - Kaz Brekker Always Had a Reason🌘🩵💜

Synopsis Your boat has been docked in Fjerda and you forgot your coat…. (But Kaz has a coat…👀)

•Tainted Opal (Part 7) - Had You Met Him Before?🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: you dive into your history regarding Kaz when you had first met him- bested him, and then a guy tries to kill you in the woods.

•Tainted Opal (Part 8) - No Strip Poker!🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: You test your skills in an intense game of poker with the Crows. Kaz gets fed up off and you have to cool him off.

•Tainted Opal (Part 9) - His Eyes of Hatred🌘🩵💜

Synopsis: You truely recall the time you and Kaz crossed paths as young teenagers. How you fled from your pirate ship into the dark streets of Ketterdam, only to find a scoundrel to scar.

______________________

Character relationships:

•character x character🤍

•character x fem!reader🩵

•character x masc!reader🩷

•character x gn!reader🩶

•Characters x reader💜

REQUESTS: OPEN✅

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Poly! Kanej x gn! Reader - Always Darkness (PRIDE 2023)

A/n: Happy pride everyone! Enjoy the 3rd installment to the fics of pride 2023 with this poly fic!

Summary: After being captured during a job, you attempt to down play the effects it had on you.

Warnings: this was written a while ago, physiological torture, torture, haphephobia, temperature changes, claustrophobia, panic attacks, questionable sanity at certain points, mild violence, swearing, hallucinations, asylums, straight jacket, suicidal thoughts, ptsd, trauma, mild blood, this is a heavy one guys, I think that's it? You have been warned!

The 3 P's:

[Pronouns used: you/your] [Pov: 2nd person] [Pairings: romantic! kanej x reader, (mentioned, platonic!) crows x reader]

It was cold, it was dark, and it was wet.

Yet it was so warm it felt like your feet were frying off but at the same time, it felt like they were numb. The room was dark only that, never changed, it was always dark. The light could never reach in here, not even a sun summoner would be able to summon anything in that cell. It was damp, but maybe that was because of the blood pooling around you as everything else was dry.

Laying on your back you look up, your eyes widen and you barely blink five times a minute. The heat in the room is unbearable to you, so you try to sift your body, to relive some of it. Then all the heat leaves your cell, room, home? You weren't sure anymore, but it was suddenly cold, so cold.

The room starts to spin and all you used to be able to see was darkness, but now you see different worlds and universes! The rational part of your brain knows it's not real, but the part that slowly submits to the mental pain and stress of everything starts to convince you otherwise. The only thing that keeps you grounded is

Them.

Then everything is falling and you don't know if you're screaming because you can't hear anything, and you can't flail your arms to wave around because you're stuck in some sort of jacket. A straight jacket you think is what Kaz called it, he said it was for the crazies.

But you weren't crazy! Yet why else would you be in one then? Maybe you were insane...

Oh, right the mission. You weren't crazy, you weren't crazy, you weren't crazy! You were just locked up because you fucked up on a job. Maybe you deserved to be in here then.

Then you were back to getting up and to hitting the walls. Perhaps to feel something, to have control, but you couldn't kill yourself on them no matter how hard you tried.

So you screamed, cried, and yelled. Eventually, you started babbling on about other things that made no sense entirely.

Or at least you thought you made a noise. You couldn't tell, because what really is reality?

You sit up from your bed preparing to kill someone.

The knife that is usually underneath your pillow is in your hand at all times now after that one job. Always ready to strike.

"Fuck." You mutter as your head falls into your hands as tears well up in your eyes. Again.

You thought after two weeks out of that asylum you would be over all the nightmares, but you weren't over anything. You couldn't have anyone touch you unless they made it very clear what they were doing, you couldn't sleep in complete darkness. Hell, you didn't even like going in a dark space anymore. Oh, there's more. The constant flashbacks, and the extreme claustrophobia, not being able to have your hands wounded together. The feeling that complete silence gives you. Always, always, having to remind yourself that you're not going crazy, it was just the lack of sleep, or the partially non-existent sleep.

All of that could be summed up into one word PTSD! But if you wanted to be even simpler the word would be trauma.

Nobody really knew how bad it affected you either, Nina did because you had to tell someone but other than that you just didn't tell anyone. You didn't want Kaz or Inej to take you off jobs so you downplayed what happened and told them it wasn't a real asylum really.

Probably you would never tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, they had their own problems to deal with.

The tears don't fall down your face, but they are pretty damn close as you stand up to take a walk... Somewhere.

Walking out of the safety of your room you don't know where you're going, all you know is that you have one goal in mind: Away.

You find yourself outside of Kaz's office door. The last place you wanted to be, but maybe the place you needed to be. Your hand grip's the doorknob as you close your eyes and try and come up with some sort of excuse so you could be close to your lovers.

You could hear their voices talking and scheming together about the next heists and jobs. It brought a smile to your face, and instead of opening the door your hand slips off the door handle and you slide down to the floor. The wall next to the door was cold, and incredibly wet.

"Subject number one." Your head snaps up to where you heard the voice from. You've haven't heard a real voice in what seemed like years, centuries even. But instead of seeing a real live person all you can see through the darkness is a blurry speaker and the one way glass.

"Stand up please."

You don't stand up, rather you do the exact opposite as you start rolling around the room muttering random things. Perhaps you really had gone insane, or maybe you were just defiant.

"You see now that subject number one is clinically insane. Tested by the royal ravkan grishas themselves!"

Ha! No one had tested you! They had just put you in here as a form of punishment for getting caught stealing... What was it again? Silly you, you must have forgotten!

So then how much time would it be until you would forget them?

"So now we're going to do the cold test. It's where we'll turn the temperature down drastically to see what a clinically insane person would do!"

And then suddenly everything was cold - so cold.

"No, no, no, no no..." You mutter as your knees come up to your chest as it starts heaving.

Fuck, a panic attack.

"Please stop, don't touch me!" You blubber, tears filling your eyes as you start to rock back and forward.

"Please make it stop! Make it stop!" You cry.

You hear some foot steps and you assumed the door to Kaz's office opened, but you couldn't really comprehend everything properly because you were trying to keep yourself from spiraling further.

"Y/n!" You hear Inej's voice call out to you but the other voices are just too strong, filling up your mind with vicious attacks, and daggers killing off the very little of your will left. You didn't even notice the blurry figures crouching in front of you.

Forget. Everything will be easier.

Maybe you are really a freak.

You fucked up, you deserve to be here.

You almost killed your lovers, what kind of sick monster would do that?

You. Are. Insane.

Insane, insane, insane!

"Breath L/n." Kaz places an ungloved hand on your shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" You push him backwards suddenly standing up and you start sprinting towards the steps.

"Y/n! Wait!" Inej takes hold of your wrist and her skin on your reminds you of touch too much. Too much pain.

Crack!

A crisp and cold crack was heard throughout the Slat as you snapped Inej's wrist. She screams in pain and Kaz catches up to you both, worried, and beyond terrified at what is playing out in front of him.

"I said don't touch me!" You sob, and once again your knees give out underneath you as you collapse with sobs clogging your throat on the floor.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry..." You whisper brokenly, the last bits of your mind coming back to you.

Inej and Kaz look down on you as Inej cradles her wrist in her hand and it finally gets to her.

"That was a real asylum wasn't it?"

And at the those words you sob harder as you nod because no words would be coming out of your mouth.

"Oh, saints Y/n." Kaz's voice comes over and calms you a bit, better than it did before anyways.

"We should have never have left you there."

With tremendous effort, Kaz crouched down beside you but he didn't come any closer. His hands are gloved now, so when he reaches out to brush a finger across your cheek you don't feel anything. Only the worry and love coming from Dirtyhands himself, he barely even touched you though. But maybe that was the point.

"Is this okay?" He questions, his hand dropping.

All you do is nod, you aren't in the right state of mind to be forming coherent words, the lack of sleep certainly wasn't helping.

Inej, probably from her standpoint, could see this and made eye contact with Brekker to see what they were going to do.

"You'll get them to the bed in your office. Unless you want me too, and that's fine I'll just have to wearing some gloves and some more clothes." Inej says - well you think she says that because every things starting to get really woozy, and the begins world spinning.

"Inej, Kaz." You whisper the words finally forming in your mouth bringing their attention to you right before you slip into unconsciousness.

"Help!" You scream. "Help!"

"No one can help you here." The sharp, villain-like, voice comes through the speakers into your cell.

You ignore what the person said and you try and bang on the walls with your body, because you had a fucking straight jacket on.

"Help me! Please! Kaz! Inej! Help!"

The person just laughs through the speakers and it vibrates throughout the room making you stop in your tracks. Inej and Kaz had to be coming... Right?

"Even if they could come for you Y/n L/n, why would they? Who would come for someone who's insane?"

"I'm not crazy!" You holler at the one way glass, knowing there was a big chance that the person was looking at you through there.

"Maybe not yet, but-" The person pauses and their voice sends a chill up your spine.

Instantaneously, the walls on the room start moving towards you. No, no, no, no... They keep on moving and you can hear the person giggle wickedly as they keep on coming towards you. The walls are going to squish you, you were going to die here.

"No!" You shout, you couldn't die here!

Abruptly, the walls stop moving, but then the lights start to dim until it's pitch black. You feel something caging you in, it gets closer and it starts to squeeze on your body till it stops. Then, starts to move back. Wait... It must have been the walls from before.

"N-no." You manage choke out, as you start to weep.

"Please! Anyone, help!"

"You will be insane Y/n L/n. Just you wait."

Something brushes up against you and you realize that you're terrified that it could be the walls moving in on you and you would never know.

"INEJ! KAZ!" You shriek.

"Get me out! Please let me out! I'm not crazy I swear!"

"Kaz! Inej!"

"Y/n! Y/n!"

You sit up with a start, sweat dripping down your face as tears well in your eyes.

Glancing beside you, you realize it's Inej who woke you up. Her face looked mildly terrified and she looked like she was in pain.

"I didn't want to touch you, so all I could do was yell." She said brokenly shoving her face into her hands.

"I'm sorry, we left you there."

You sigh but you smile slightly at your girl.

"It's not your nor Kaz's fault, I also told basically everyone it wasn't real. Even if I was lying to you, the biggest person I was lying to was myself." You close your eyes trying to will the memories away.

As you open them you start to see Kaz starting to limp inside the room.

"We're-" He starts

"Don't finish that sentence Kaz, I know you both are." You cut him off with a small glare, today was not the day you wanted to see the bastard of the barrel apologize.

He sighs and he sits on the other end of the bed. Inej comes and sits by Kaz who she links her hands with. Then you sit up and you ghost your hand over theirs.

It wasn't okay, but it could be. One day, it wouldn't be always darkness.

Words 2050

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Grishaverse taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover @brekker-zenik @alohastitch0626 @brekkers-desigirl @emmsamultifan06