#Kaidan Blanch

[eulaliasims]

Also spotted: prank war between Eileen and Kaidan.

[queen-scribbles]

Everything In Between

Recovery is a process, and it’s rarely an easy one. A good support system helps, and progress is progress, even when it’s measured in inches. 

Since AO3 is under siege I’ll go ahead and post the tumblr version of my @mebigbang​ story; Emily Shepard/Kaidan Alenko Post-Destroy ending, rated T, 19k words with art from @captainderyn​ you can find here. (I know tumblr isn’t optimal for reading something so long. There will be an AO3 version soon as the site’s working again. I just wanted to get it posted since Deryn shared her wonderful art ^^)

---

The landscape racing by outside the shuttle’s windows was by turns untouched and a jumble of cratered earth or building wreckage. It was dizzying and all but impossible to keep up with the switches back and forth. 

Still, it was better than staring at the pristine, manicured grounds of the rehab center another day. Beautiful as they had been, it got very boring to see the same limited surroundings for three months.

Dull pain flared at the small of her back, and Emily shifted to ease it. The movement jolted Kaidan from his thought and he turned much as the cab’s restraints would allow to shoot her a concerned look.

“You alright, Shepard?” he asked, reaching a hand over toward her.

Emily nodded as she intertwined her fingers with his. “Just a little ache. Dr. Ahn warned that might be a problem sometimes as the nerves heal. It’s gone now, must’ve just been the way I was sitting.”

He studied her for a prolonged moment before squeezing her hand. “Just so you know, Em, while you’re living under the Alenko family roof, you have carte-blanche to complain when things hurt. Or ache, or itch, or anything. I know a lot of people have admired your perseverance and strength--hell, I’m one of them. But you don’t have to just... power through this.”

“You’re sweet, Kay,” Emily smiled and cautiously leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. Nothing protested the move, which was a good sign. “But it really was just a twinge. Too long in one position, I guess.”

“Not saying it wasn’t, just letting you know that when it isn’t just a twinge you can be honest.”

“You want me to whine at you, Alenko?” she teased.

“If that’s what you wanna call it,” he replied with a shrug and a smile that made her heart flutter like a teenager on a first date. “I’m a big boy, I can handle it.”

“Good to know,” Emily said with an answering smile. They lapsed into silence for a few moments, and she watched more landscape pass them by before speaking up again. “You sure your mom-”

“Mom has been in her element getting things ready for you to move in when the Bailey Center discharged you. She loves cooking, she loves hosting, and she loves you.” Kaidan laughed. “She’s overjoyed at the thought. Just be prepared for her to interrogate you about yourself, our relationship, and probably a few things about me she doesn’t think I’ll answer honestly.”

“Are we talking ‘how often you get migraines’ type not honest or ‘downplaying your talent and contributions’?”

“Both, probably,” he sighed, but a faint smile tugged his lips.

“Consider me warned,” Emily said. “It’ll be nice to talk to someone who’ll truly appreciate when I sing your praises.” She grinned. “With the added bonus of being able to ask for baby stories.”

Kaidan gave an exaggerated groan. “Oh, c’mon, Shepard.”

“Hey, you have my mom’s contact details, you’re free to retaliate in kind,” she pointed out, laughing.

“Really? You won’t mind?” He arched a skeptical brow. “And she’s not too busy?”

“No to both. Even if she is busy with... everything” --a vague wave at the Reaper aftermath out the window, thoughts straying to her mother and Garrus’ efforts to track down the Normandy-- “she’ll make time to talk to you, babe. New audience for baby stories. And I dunno, I like the idea of you hearing ‘bout all that. Even the embarrassing ones, like when I got bit by a snake and screamed my head off the whole way to the hospital.”

“You already told me that one, remember?”

“Oh, right,” she chuckled. “Mom’ll have to pick a different embarrassing eight year old story to tell you.”

“Looking forward to hearing it,” Kaidan teased. “’Specially since I’m sure my mom will think of at least a few to share with you.”

“Looking forward to it,” Emily echoed with a smile as the cab started to slow. Relief fluttered at the sign they were almost there; her back was starting to cramp. Her gaze flicked out the window to a massive house set at least a half mile back from the road on what had to be a couple acres. “Good grief, Kay, is that-?”

Kaidan followed her gaze. “Oh, no, that’s not us.” A few beats passed as the cab kept moving, then he pointed out the opposite window. “That one’s us.”

The rancher was set closer to the road, only slightly smaller than the one Emily had indicated, and--in her opinion--much nicer. It was designed in a rustic, classic Earth style that would have looked just as at home nestled in the woods or on a mountainside as it did here. The stacked stone exterior was largely shades of grey, though an occasional smear of light or reddish-brown did appear. Cheerful brick red shutters flanked the two windows, though clearly decorative as one of the windows faced out over the covered, wrap-around porch. The walkway up was large, well-set flagstone, edged with simple but very pretty tiered garden beds. 

Of course, the tall woman with grey streaked hair and an infectious grin waiting on the porch was a bit of a distraction from examining the house, gorgeous as it was.

Emily laughed and nudged Kaidan with her elbow. “I think you’re right; she’s just a little excited about this.”

He chuckled at the grin on his mother’s face as the cab came to a stop.  “Ready?”

“Mm-hm,” she nodded, biting back another laugh.

Kaidan climbed out of the cab, waved to his mother as she started making her way out, and retrieved Emily’s wheelchair before circling to her side of the cab.

She was, as promised, ready for him; restraints undone and already extending an arm for him to help her out of the seat. The transfer was a bit more awkward from a vehicle than a hospital bed, but they still managed it without Shepard banging her head, so she was satisfied.

Kaidan’s mom waited, hands in her pockets and grin still tugging her lips, while they settled with the driver. “Glad to see you made it safely, didn’t get caught in any red tape.”

Emily laughed. “No, it was surprisingly smooth. I think their waiting list for beds is long enough they have the discharge process ironed out better than a dress uniform. Don’t want anything getting screwed up and causing delays.” She held out an arm to invite the hug she knew the other woman wanted to give. “It’s good to see you, Rae.” The last few days of getting ready to move here had meant a lapse in their usual visits.

“You, too, Emily.” Rae bent to give her a warm hug. “Harmony’s inside. I think she wore herself out running around to smell everything.” She chuckled and patted her hair as she straightened. “Never seen a dog’s tail wag that hard before. She decided the house was safe and curled up in Tom’s favorite chair for a nap.”

Emily winced apologetically. “We can keep her off the furniture-” She is a therapy dog, not a pet. Just used to sleeping on the bed when Emily’s nightmares got bad.

“No, it’s fine. She’s keeping warm for him,” Rae said, waving a hand in a dismissive reassurance, slight catch her voice.

“Thanks for taking care of her, Mom,” Kaidan interjected, stepping forward to hug her as well to distract from the looming specter of his missing father. “Would have been a bit cramped to bring her with us.”

“No problem, honey.” Rae returned the hug tightly. “Been too long since we had a dog in the house.”

“You used to have dogs?” Emily asked as they parted and the three of them started for the house, Kaidan skillfully maneuvering her wheelchair along the curved walkway. There wasn’t so much as a rattle to the wheels from the flagstone, they were set so smoothly. And Emily clocked the newness of the ramp covering the low steps up onto the porch itself.

“Not at this house, but for a while, yes. The company was nice with Tom deployed and this one at... training.” Rae tapped Kaidan shoulder.

Emily didn’t comment on the pause, even as her thoughts instinctively filled in BAaT. “Glad Mo’s behaving for you,” she said instead.

“It would have been a handful to manage her and Emily and the bags,” Kaidan agreed. “And this way she got to familiarize herself with the environment before we arrived.”

“Oh, she’s very familiar,” Rae said with a laugh. “But I’m sure she’ll still be happy to see you.”

Her prediction proved correct; the rust and cream Australian shepherd lifted her head and barked as soon as they entered, scrambling down to come greet Emily.

“Hey, girl,” Emily crooned. “I hear you approve of this place. She tipped her head back to look at Kaidan. “Which is good, because I definitely like what I’ve seen so far.”

“Is that an unsubtle hint you’d like a tour?” Kaidan asked with a chuckle.

“I’ll start working on dinner while you two take care of that and settle in,” Rae said, peeling off  to the side. “It’ll be good having you around, Emily.”

“Obviously, that way’s the kitchen,” Kaidan said, slightly deadpan. “But we’ll let Mom work while I show you the rest.”

“She likes to cook?” Emily asked as the muffled clatter of kitchen paraphernalia reached them and she caught a glimpse of Rae shuffling dishes.

“Loves it,” he confirmed. “She’s the one who taught me. Basics at least.” He pushed the chair forward. “She’ll appreciate a chance to get things going before we roll through, so we’ll save that for last.”

“I get that,” Emily nodded. “Meal prep looks more impressive once you’re really involved opposed to at the beginning. Nice living room,” she commented, looking around. He’d told her the house was spacious and hadn’t been exaggerating. The living room alone was almost as big as some of the housing she’d stayed in as a navy brat. A couple couches and almost half dozen armchairs--all very comfortable looking--were spread throughout the room. A couple sets were grouped together for intimate conversation, but all had enough space around to be easily accessible. It made her wonder if there’d been some rearranging once they’d agreed she would live here after the Bailey Center discharged her. But she kept that thought to herself and admired the large bay windows and skylights that made the room seem even more open than it already was.  “Amazing view,” she said, catching a glimpse out one of the windows.

“Wait til you watch a sunrise or sunset, it gets better,” Kaidan said with obvious pride in his voice.

They reached the far end of the living room and started down the hallway. It was wide enough--Emily noted with relief--for another person to squeeze by her wheelchair, so she wouldn’t block things up for Kaidan or Rae if she was having trouble. This part of the tour went quickly; four bedrooms counting the master suite, three bathrooms, a home office at the end of the hall. There were doors from both the office and the living room that opened onto a deck which spread between them and continued around the outer corner of the living room to join the front porch. It granted a full view of the sprawling orchard and the sky that allegedly produced gorgeous sunrises. Light filtered in through the hall windows, adding to the open feel of the house. The decorations were understated, cozy, and it instantly made Emily feel at home.

She eyed the office door that led to the deck. “Could I get a better look at that view? Before your mom wows us with dinner?”

Kaidan laughed. “Sure.” A couple taps at a waist high keypad and the door slid open. Emily propelled herself out, Kaidan following close behind.

“That is just...” She couldn’t even find a word that did the beauty of it justice. And it was near-untouched by the Reaper forces; a minor miracle, in her opinion. Only a few deep-scored lines across distant fields and one demolished silo on a neighbor’s property evidenced the destruction that rocked the rest of the globe. Maybe thanks to be a good distance from population centers, maybe for some other reason only the Reapers knew that was now lost with them. “Wow.” Emily cocked her head to look up at him. “You grew up here?”

Kaidan shook his head. “Nah. It was still my grandparents’ place at that point, so I got to visit, but we didn’t live here. They passed ownership to Dad when he retired. I’ve gotten to spend more time here as an adult than a kid, which just means enjoying it differently.” He rubbed the back of his neck, just below his implant, then flashed a smile. “Didn’t appreciate the sunrises as much back then, that’s for sure.”

“You’re setting a real high bar for them to live up to, Kay,” Emily teased, maneuvering closer to the railing 

“And they will,” he laughed back, leaning with his forearms braced against the rail beside her. “With a few off days, maybe, but for the most part.”

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, both enjoying the view, the quiet, the company, until Emily’s omnitool beeped. 

She pulled herself from thoughts of how much she loved this place already and how settled Kaidan looked with a sigh as she called up the display.

“Everything alright?” Kaidan asked, turning to brace his hip against the rail.

“Yeah.” She skimmed the message. “The confirmation for my PT schedule set-up.” Chewed her lower lip. “Physical therapy sessions on Tuesdays and Fridays at ten with Laura, since she’s been my tech from the beginning of my time there. Every other Wednesday check up with Dr. Ahn for the next few months--time slot for that might shift a little-- to monitor my progress, then those can be less frequent.” She wrinkled her nose as she closed down the omnitool. “Assuming I’m making enough progress, I guess.”

“You will be,” Kaidan said with casual confidence she wished she shared. “You want to see your room before we make our way to the kitchen for dinner?”

“You mean I’m not bunking with you?” Emily teased. “Not sure how I should take that, babe.”

Kaidan chuckled and deadpanned, ”Mom didn’t want to presume,” even as his eyes twinkled.

A snort of answering laughter bubbled in her chest. “You mean the same woman who asked if I wanted to skip straight to calling her Mom the first time we met?”

He was grinning as he helped her navigate back inside and closed the door. “It’s also the only bedroom aside from the master suite with an attached bathroom. We figured that would be easier for you.” He bent and kissed the top of her head. “Nothing stopping us from sharing a bed, though.”

“Good point.”

The room was nice; sparse on furniture to minimize obstacles, windows onto another gorgeous view, hardwood floors with one firmly anchored area rug. The bed looked extremely comfortable, especially compared to the hospital one Emily had been occupying until today. She almost couldn’t wait to go to bed, but the smell of dinner wafting down the hall was too tempting to skip.

Mo hopped on the bed between the pillows, expecting sleep to be the course of action. 

Emily laughed and snapped her fingers. “Dinner first, girl.”

Mo jumped down with a small whine and followed them out to the kitchen, then curled up under the table while Emily and Kaidan chatted with Rae and dinner finished cooking.

This was going to be the one tricky room to navigate, Emily noticed. The island in the middle of the cooking portion made the turns tight and didn’t leave a lot of clearance for her chair. She could make it work, but it would take more focus than the rest of the house.

Not like I’ll be cooking at all, she thought glibly, sharing the house with two people who are actually good at it.

Bearing that out, dinner was delicious, and very relaxing, and they chatted for a while longer before Emily was tired enough to turn in. Kaidan helped her get changed, do the stretches her physical therapist had recommended for at home, and get situated in bed.

He kissed her forehead as he helped arrange the blankets how she wanted them. “Sweet dreams, Em.”

She smiled at the sentiment hiding behind the light-hearted comment and caught the collar of his t-shirt before he could move away. “Cute.” She pulled him in for a full kiss, her hand curving the back of his neck as his fingers slid into her hair. “And sweet,” she added when he pulled back. “My favorite combination.” Her thumb rubbed softly against the corner of his jaw and she offered a mischievous smile. “You wanna sleep over tonight?”

Kaidan laughed and rested his forehead to hers. “Sounds good to me. Let me help Mom clean up dinner” --stole another quick kiss--”and I’ll be back.”

“It’s a deal.” Emily pulled him in for one more kiss before letting go, turning her attention to Mo as Kaidan left the room. The dog had settled in along the side of Emily’s leg, her head resting on Emily’s hip. “You think I’ll manage to stay awake til he gets back?” she asked through a yawn. Worn out by a shuttle ride and dinner, oh how the mighty have fallen. She knew Kaidan would chastise her for that line of thought; she was recovering from serious injuries and nowhere near a hundred percent yet. Of course things were going to be more draining right now, and that was okay. Now if she could just believe it as easily as she could hear him reminding her of it.

Mo huffed, her tail lightly slapping against Emily’s ankles. She almost thought she felt the contact, which would have been some very encouraging progress, but it was probably wishful thinking. Even with how much the nerve damage had healed, most days at PT were fifty-fifty if she’d feel Laura’s hand on her leg even without clothing in the way. It was highly unlikely she’d felt her dog’s tail through a blanket.

Would be nice, she thought as she leaned back and grabbed a datapad novel from the nightstand, trying once more to curl her toes and once more unsure of her success. Someday, she promised herself.

Hopefully someday soon, but much like the reconstruction they’d passed, it would take the time it took. For now she’d pet her dog, read her book, and try to stay awake until Kaidan came back.

---

Dinner was already half cleaned up by the time Kaidan reached the kitchen.

“Mom, I was gonna help with that,” he protested, gently but forcefully taking the pots she held and heading for the sink.

“You don’t have to. You’ve done a lot helping Emily get settled, and I know today was a lot for you. Both of you,” she emphasized before he could wave it away. With him stationed at the sink, she returned to sealing containers of leftover food to put away. “How’s she doing?”

“More good than bad,” Kaidan said. The hot water prickled against his knuckles as he filled the pots and reached for a dishcloth. “It helps that both the doctor and physical therapist have said things look promising for recovery to continue and she’s making good progress. Considering.” Considering she almost died. Again. Considering I found her buried under what felt like half the Citadel.

“Mm. You know those can go in the washer, hon,” his mother pointed out, tipping her head toward the soapy-water filled pots.

He shrugged, already cleaning. “I like the hands-on approach.”

She leaned against the island and watched him for a long moment. “And how are you doing?”

“Me?” He arched a brow as he glanced at her. “I’m fine, Mom.” It wasn’t even a half-truth; it had been almost a week since his last migraine, and while he was maybe a little short on sleep from the final rush to get things worked out for Shepard moving in, it was nothing a few days sleeping in couldn’t cure.

“I know you, Kaidan,” his mom said with a soft laugh, “You throw yourself into whatever you do. Especially if it involves helping people.” She came to lean against the counter by the sink. “Extra especially if it involves someone you care about. I know you love Emily, and I’m happy to have her here.”

“But?” Kaidan prompted, setting one clean pot aside for drying so he could start on the other.

“Less a but, more an and,” she said wryly, grabbing a towel to dry the clean pot. “And I’m happy to help where I can. And I’m sure Emily would want you to take care of yourself, too. And we’ll gang up on you if we think you’re pushing to close to burnout.” She grinned. “I have a feeling she knows the signs even better than I do.”

“You’d be right there.” He finished with the second pot and passed it to her for drying. “She’s also very... persistent about making sure I take care of myself.”

“Good. I knew there was a reason I liked her,” she said cheerfully. She finished drying the pots in faux innocent silence.

Kaidan waited her out, wondering with amusement how long they could push it. 

Only until both pots were returned to their hooks, apparently. “So, when are you planning to propose?”

“Mom!”

“Kaidan,” she returned, not at all deterred by his tone. “I see the way you look at each other. The way you interact. I know you love her and she loves you.” Her expression sobered. “And I know what losing her once did to you. Can’t see you wasting a second chance.”

He tipped his head in acknowledgement, a cold shiver running through him as he tried not to dwell on how close he’d come to losing her again, the days spent digging through wreckage as hope dwindled and desperation grew. “I don’t plan to.”

“So when...?”

“Not sure,” Kaidan admitted, rinsing some plates before loading them in the washer. “I wanna make sure she’s happy here, see how therapy’s going...” He huffed a laugh. “I don’t even have a ring yet.”

“You don’t?!”

“We were a little busy, Mom!” he laughed, flicking water in her direction. “Not a lot of time for ring shopping when you’re saving the galaxy from annihilation.”

She chuckled and flicked him back with the dish towel. “Alright, fair. I’ll have to find a couple days in my schedule to ‘give you a break’ so you can go ring shopping.”

“Em likes you already, Mom, I’m sure she’d enjoy spending time without you being underhanded,” Kaidan teased. He caught the towel when she tried to flick him again and dried his hands. “But I will take you up on that. Thanks.” Not that he ever thought he’d need a break from Emily, but it was the best cover he’d get to go pick out a ring.

“Not a problem, honey.” She smiled wistfully, running her thumb back and forth over her wedding band. “You two are good together, I’ll happily contribute to you having what your father and I do.”

They’d been ignoring that elephant in the room all day; might as well ask. “Heard anything yet?”

She shook her head, cleared her throat. “Nothing solid yet. Nothing promising, either. His unit was in an area that got hit real hard, and it’ll take them a while to sort out dead, injured, the un-ID’ed  of either. And the comms are out, so until that’s fixed it’s a long delay on hearing news even after the ground forces know.” She let out a slow breath, and her eyes were shiny when she looked at him.  “They’re still presuming KIA, and it’s very tempting to just... go along with it. Believe the worst at this point. Just for a sense of closure. But I’ve chosen optimism and I plan to keep hoping until someone gives me a solid reason I shouldn’t.”

“I know that feeling,” Kaidan  muttered, pulling her into a hug.

“Better than you’d ever want to, I suspect,” his mother chuckled. He pretended he didn’t hear it wobble. “So you know I’ll appreciate the distraction of distracting Emily.”

He nodded. “Mm-hm.”

She squeezed his arm as she stepped back. “Thanks for the help.”

“No problem, Mom,” Kaidan said with a smile, and headed off to bed.

Emily was, as expected, asleep when he got there. He moved the datapad she’d been reading back to the nightstand and nudged Mo just a little to make room. Emily mumbled in her sleep and burrowed close against his side the second he climbed in bed, which made him smile as he drifted off.

---

Emily’s therapy schedule meant she had another day to settle in and relax before she had to go back for a session. She took full advantage; practicing how to navigate the halls, rooms, and out on the deck as independently as possible. She didn’t want Kaidan feeling like he needed to hover. He could say he didn’t mind all he wanted, mean it with all his heart. She wanted some measure of independence in her current circumstances, and, realistically, no matter how good the last week had been, he would get slammed by a migraine eventually. It was just a fact of life. Emily both needed and wanted to be able to at least mostly handle herself on such a day. She was fine accepting help, very aware of her limitations, but wanted to maintain some self-reliance. She also didn’t want Kaidan feeling guilty he couldn’t help her on top of a migraine that would have him curled up with his head under a pillow in a dark room.

There was also plenty of time to relax, chatting with Rae, sitting on the couch with Mo, or the deck with both Kaidan and his mother. He promised to show her more of the orchard when they had the chance, and Emily was happy to say she’d hold him to that.

It had her in a very good, very calm frame of mind when they went to her PT session the next day. Kaidan seemed in a good mood as well as the two of them lingered over morning coffee and got ready for the day.

It was when he laced his fingers between hers in the cab that she finally said something. “You’re in a good mood.”

“Had a good night’s sleep and got to share it with you,” Kaidan said. He hummed a small laugh. “I’ve missed that the past couple months.”

“Yeah, me, too,” Emily said, squeezing his hand. Hospitals and rehab centers weren’t known for letting loved ones share a bed with their patients. Even for galactic heroes. Part of her knew it was probably just a bubble that would burst sooner or later , but it almost seemed having him next to her helped ward off nightmares. She enjoyed it regardless. “I’d gotten real accustomed to havin’ you to snuggle.”

He smiled. “And I’m real used to being snuggled.” Something out the window caught his eye. “Oh, they’ve made good progress...” Emily arched a brow and he explained, “There’s a memorial, pretty big deal, that took a lot of damage from the Reapers. They’re repairing it, but it was pretty messed up and it’s been slow going. We took a different route out to the orchard the other day, so it’s been a while since I’ve seen their progress.”

Their conversation turned to various bits of clean up and reconstruction they could see for the rest of the ride. The topic took Emily’s thoughts to her own ‘reconstruction’ and she almost asked Kaidan’s opinion on that, as well. Everyone--Laura, Dr. Ahn, the nurses, even Garrus and Kaidan himself--tended to focus on ‘the prognosis is good and you’re making progress’ as a response when the subject came up. Different words sometimes, but same message. She understood the desire for optimism, and had even repeated the same mantra to herself and others. But she’d really like some naked honesty from Kaidan, at least. Maybe she’d ask when they got home.

Emily’s omnitool pinged just as they arrived, and she pulled up the alert while Kaidan pushed her inside the building. She frowned and quickly dismissed it after a glance, but Kaidan must’ve still picked up on the shift in her mood.

“What?” he asked, slowing by the reception desk to check in.

“Journalist wants an interview. I’ll have to think of a polite but firm way to say no after PT.”

“If they start bugging you too much, we can always put up privacy blockers.”

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t want to make people jump through hoops to get in touch with me, but if the vultures are already circling...”

“Next will be the talk show hosts,” Kaidan joked. “You know you’re a big deal, sweetheart.”

“I don’t wanna be,” Emily grumbled as they headed down the hall. “I’m just... me.”

“Shouldn’t’ve saved the galaxy, then,” he deadpanned. “That’s a real attention grabber. But I’ll help fend off the vultures, don’t worry.��

“My hero,” she said lightly, reaching back to pat his hand. 

Laura was waiting when they reached the therapy room, studying something on a datapad. She looked up at their approach and smiled. “Hi, Emily, good to see you. And you, Kaidan. Everything go well with moving out?”

“So far, so good,” Emily confirmed with a nod. “Still new, but definitely a good arrangement.”

“Good to hear,” Laura said. She briefly raised the datapad. “I was just reviewing your latest scans to see if I need to tweak our regimen any. They look good,” she added, before either could ask. “The swelling around the L-3 vertebrae is just about gone. The venous plexus is taking longer to heal, which tracks with what they recorded at the hospital, but it’s also progressing. I did note some signs of muscle atrophy in your thighs, so we’ll have to do some more intensive upper leg work to stave that off.”

Emily nodded even as she fought off a grimace. The lower leg home exercises were markedly easier--she could even manage some solo--so it made sense her upper legs would be at higher risk for atrophy. This was where the annoying part of her recovery would come into play--while movement was taking longer to return, she was definitely getting the feeling back in her legs. She’d be acutely aware of every painful stretch, every muscle ache, and still the best she could do was curl her toes. “I assume that’ll mean a change to the home exercises, too?”

“Yep. At the rate you’re healing, we might be able to start working on weight bearing in a month or so, but only if we keep the atrophy at bay.” Laura set aside the datapad and cracked her knuckles as she stood. “Let’s get started, yeah? I’ll explain the new stuff as we go.”

---

By the time they finished, Emily was sweaty, tired, and sore. But she could feel being sore, and that was an improvement. Kaidan helped her shower when they got home and she promptly took a nap on the couch, one hand trailing down to scratch Mo’s ears as she lay on the floor next to her.

It was, unfortunately, a nightmare that woke her, rather than Kaidan, Rae, or just being rested. One of the usual ones; stuck in quicksand and moving horrifically slow as a Reaper’s laser tracked toward a group of fleeing civilians(sometimes it was her friends, this one spared her that). Her biotics spent, her gun out of thermal clips or overheated or damaged, and nothing she could do but watch.

She jolted awake with blue crackling around her hands and her knee jerked up just as a nearby presence registered.

“I’ve got you,” Kaidan murmured, hands on her shoulders to steady her. He didn’t say anything, but she could see it in his eyes. So much for those going away, huh?

That had always been wishful thinking and they both knew it. Emily took several deep breaths, leaning into his chest as she struggled to get her heart to slow. Mo headbutted her hand with a soft whine, eager to offer comfort in distress.

Between the two of them, the parallel and repetition of Kaidan rubbing her back as she petted Mo’s head, her spiking adrenaline faded. “Really wish moments of abject desperation and terror weren’t the only time I got more mobility,” she croaked into Kaidan’s shirt.

“You’ll get there,” he murmured, kissing her head. “I’ll help.”

Emily sat back to give him a shaky smile. “I know. I was just... a few night without the dreams had my hopes up. Guess that was too optimistic, huh?”

“No harm in optimism,” Kaidan said, shifting his perch on the edge of the couch and letting his hand trail down her arm so he could give Mo scritches as well. 

“But we also need to be realistic,” she countered, running her fingers through her hair. “Even best case, it’ll be at least a year to work through the physical stuff. And the... nightmares an’ all will likely be longer, prob’ly permanent. I need to learn how to deal with them rather than just hoping they’ll go away entirely. Less frequent is probably the best I’m gonna get.”

Kaidan was quiet a long moment, chewing his lower lip in a way that made her think he wanted to disagree. “We’ll have to wait and see, I guess,” was all he said. “Hope for the best, plan for the worst, isn’t that the saying?”

Emily snorted, gaze drifting out the window.”...Yeah.”

---

Her visit with Dr. Ahn followed the same pattern as seeing Laura; ‘The swelling’s gone down, you’re doing well, here’s things to watch out for, I’ll see you next time’. There was, at least, no nightmare after that one. Even if the appointment felt very boilerplate. 

There was another interview request--different journalist--waiting when she was done. She declined it just as swiftly and graciously as the first and didn’t even mention it to Kaidan.

They started settling into a routine; morning coffee with Rae and sometimes Kaidan, the aroma always a help starting her day even when it wasn’t soothing nightmares into normalcy, PT and doctor’s visits on their allotted days, batting away interview or talk show appearance requests that only seemed to increase in frequency, all-too-occasional nightmares or PTSD episodes.

They made it two weeks after Emily moved in before Kaidan had a knockout-level migraine.

She’d been almost expecting it--much like bracing for her nightmares, they didn’t tend to stay away this long. Almost a whole month free of them was a damn miracle, and he’d had a few severe headaches over the past week. (He’d tried to be subtle about popping aspirin, but she still caught it.) She wondered if he’d been bracing for it, too.

He’d opted to sleep in his own bed the night before it hit. He’d only done that twice aboard the SR-2; slept in his quarters rather than her cabin. Both times had been horrendous migraine flare-ups.

Emily was glad she’d practiced moving to her wheelchair on her own. It was a clumsy process, and she banged her knee and almost fell midway through, but she managed.  She maneuvered into the hall and stopped by his room on the way to the kitchen to poke her head in.

“Kay?” she stage-whispered, and winced when his head emerged from under the pillow. Not a good sign. “How bad?”

“Twelve,” he mumbled, rubbing his temples.

Oh, hell. That was when she noticed Mo curled up next to him on the bed, as if she knew he’d need the support more than Emily today.

Kaidan shifted, rolling over and starting to sit up. “Did you need-”

“Don’t you dare, Alenko,” she hissed, struggling to keep her voice low but emphatic as she wheeled partway into the room to glare at him, even if he wouldn’t be able to see it with the lights off. “You take care of you today, I’ll be fine.” And if she wasn’t, between Mo and Rae, she’d get there.

It was a true sign of the severity that he didn’t even offer a token protest, just flopped back on the bed with one arm over his eyes.

“I’ll bring you more water,” she said softly. He’d eventually need it, no matter how full the bedside glass was now. “And do you want a hot or cold pack?”

“Cold.”

She left, bumping the door controls to cut down on light from the hallway.

Rae was leaning against the counter, nursing a mug of coffee and watching something out the window. “Woodpecker’s very interested in the tree out front,” she said, half-turning at the sound of approach. “There’s more coffee in the carafe if you want some.”

The toffee-laced aroma was extremely tempting but, “In a minute, thanks,” Emily said as she carefully navigated to the fridge. “I need to get a couple things for Kaidan first; he has a pretty bad migraine.”

“Ah.” Rae set down her coffee. “What did you need?”

“Ice pack and big water bottle.” Emily backed out of the way.

Rae nodded and retrieved the necessary items. She hesitated as she wrapped a towel around the ice pack. “Emily, were... did he get these when he was working with you?”

“Yeah.” There wasn’t really a point to lying, and she deserved to know. “Not often this bad, at least not that he let show, but there were some rough days.”

“He does tend to downplay them, doesn’t he?” Rae snorted softly, setting down the wrapped ice pack and filling a water bottle.

“Annoying habit, when you care about him, even if I get why,” Emily said wryly.  “He will tell me if I ask, but I think he sees... pushing through as the trade off for getting off with ‘only’“ --she couldn’t hide the sarcasm--”migraines.”

Rae made a face. “I wish he didn’t.” She sighed. “Want me to take him these so you can get your coffee?”

Emily shook her head. “I don’t mind, and it almost feels fair trade, much as he does for me.”

“You know he-”

“Doesn’t expect things like this, I know.” She nodded, running her fingers through her hair. “I'm doing it less for that and more because I love him, and I hate seeing him suffer like this.”

When I can’t do anything to make it stop. Commander Shepard, Hero of Elysium, savior of the galaxy and solver of humanity’s problems, couldn’t make her boyfriend’s migraines go away. Of course, she couldn’t walk right now, either, so...

“I understand,” Rae said, tipping her head in commiseration. She stepped aside. “I’ll let you get those back to him.”

“Thanks. I’ll be back for some of that coffee.” Emily headed back to the bedroom. Her heart twisted when he didn’t so much as twitch at the door sliding open. “Kay? I got what you asked for, babe,” she murmured, cautiously moving into the room. They’d been sleeping in hers, as it was more open and easier to navigate. She didn’t know his as well.

Kaidan made a soft noise somewhere between a grunt and a moan. “...Thanks.” He shifted out from under the pillow to take the ice pack. 

“Let us know if you need anything else, okay?” she said softly, setting the water bottle on the bedside table. “Unless you want me to stay and cuddle?”

“Maybe later...” he mumbled and Emily wrinkled her nose in sympathy.

“Alright, I won’t be far.” She leaned over to kiss his forehead and left the room.

---

It took most of the day before the migraine receded enough he could at least soft-of think straight. In that slow, muzzy, walking-against-the-wind-through-molasses sense that always followed a bad one.

And the first conscious thought he had was he could hear a heartbeat. For a moment, Kaidan thought it was his own, pounding in his ears, and things were going to get bad again. But no, it was the muffled comfort of someone else’s heartbeat.

Someone else, of course, being Emily, her thumb rubbing repetitive--and very comforting--circles around the edge of his shoulder blade. He felt more than heard her breath catch when he shifted.

“Hey, sailor,” she said quietly.

“mm,” Kaidan hummed in response. “How long’ve you...?”

“An hour.” Her free hand combed through his hair, pausing briefly to massage just below his implant before coming to a rest halfway down his back. “Maybe two.”

He was laying on her chest, it finally sank in. The background tingle of her biotics brushing his felt good. “Mmm. Thanks.”

“Of course.” Her thumb continued those wonderful relaxing circles on his shoulder blade. “This was a bad one.” A beat. “Really bad.”

Even in his fugue, Kaidan caught the worry in her voice and shifted clumsily to rub her arm in comfort. “...The bad ones’ve been worse since Mars,” he admitted in a mumble against her shirt.

Emily’s breath caught sharp. “I did wonder...” she murmured. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You had ‘nuff on your plate w’thout worrying about me.”

She huffed a disbelieving laugh. “To Chakwas, you wonderful idiot. Or, I dunno, someone. Garrus, Tali-”

“Did tell Chakwas, others would tell you. Defeats the purpose.”

She sighed in fond--he hoped, anyway--exasperation. “Kaidan...” She paused and let whatever she was about to say die as she ran her fingers through his hair again. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” He pressed a half-conscious kiss to her stomach through her shirt and they settled into comfortable silence as he waited to see if the migraine would continue to fade.

---

It took another hour or so before the migraine cleared enough for Kaidan to sit up. Emily spent the whole time rubbing his back and chewing her lip as his words ran circles in her head. The bad ones were worse since Mars. He hadn’t wanted her to worry. Over and over until he rolled away and sat up, rubbing at his temples before he flashed her a crooked smile.

“Hey,” he said, voice rough. “Thanks.”

“You said that earlier,” Emily replied with a smile.

“Did I?” Kaidan huffed a faint laugh. “Bears repeating.” He blinked as if just realizing she was sitting in his bed. “How did you...?”

“I managed. Gotta practice transferring myself anyway, and this was a good day, since we don’t have anywhere to be,” she shrugged, then grinned. “Just glad I didn’t hit you or anything by accident.”

“‘Preciate that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and reached for the half-empty water bottle, which she passed him.

“Garrus called,” Emily said quietly as she watched him. “They have an... 87% positive ID on the Normandy’s signature, which gives them trajectory and speed. So even if this signature isn’t the current position, it gives them somewhere solid to start looking, and numbers to calculate where they likely ended up.” She smiled wryly. “From the sound of it, Joker was pushing past ‘bat out of hell’ for speed, so it still might be a lot of space to cover.”

“...Good they have a place to start at least,” Kaidan said, rubbing his eyelids with thumb and forefinger.

She nodded and they lapsed into silence for a few minutes.

“Kaidan...” Emily bit her lip, briefly wondering if they should really have this conversation now, but too worried she‘d forget if she waited. “What you said, about them being worse and not telling me so I didn’t worry...”

Something flickered in his eyes as he met her gaze, picking through likely-hazy memories to find the confession. “What about it...?”

She pushed against the mattress to life herself and scoot closer. “You know if I think you’re downplaying, I’ll just worry more, right? Wonder if you’re pushing through when you should be resting.”

Kaidan shook his head and took a drink of water. “I promise, sweetheart, I’m always honest when you ask. I can handle a lot, work though pretty bad ones when I need to.” He covered one of her hands with his to stop her nervously picking at the sheets. “I wasn’t ever actively trying to hide anything as I was... hoping you wouldn’t ask.”

She felt immensely guilty she hadn’t checked, regardless. “But why...? I’m always willing to help-”

“That’s why, Emmy.” Kaidan shook his head, wincing slightly as he ran his fingers through his hair.. “I know you. You’d want to help, and there isn’t anything you can do to make them stop, and you had enough on your mind I didn’t want to add to it. Especially if it was going to distract you and increase the chances of you getting hurt.”

A fair point, and she grimaced at the similarity to her own earlier grousing about being unable to help. He did know her. 

He patted her hand. “I promise, I only had one or two that bad aboard the SR-2, and you know I tapped out of missions for them.”

He had. Part of her still wanted to worry, be skeptical he’d try to hide things now because he felt like she needed him. But he had always been honest with her, and looking into those whiskey brown eyes, she couldn’t believe he was being otherwise now.

Emily nodded slowly. “Kaidan... You do so much for me. So much. More than I would ever ask or expect, far beyond anything required of a.. a partner.” In this moment, boyfriend felt inadequate. “You are my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my safe place to land.” She cupped his cheek in one hand. “But you’re also human. Let me take care of you every once in a while.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Kaidan promised, covering her hand with his as he leaned in to kiss her. “But you won’t be able to stop me feeling guilty if one of these hits on a day you need me.”

“We’ll make it work, if that happens.” She slid her arm around his neck to pull him in for another kiss. “For now, it’s almost dinner time, you feel like eating?”

“Maybe a little?” He rested his forehead on her shoulder. “Give me a bit to get equilibrium back.”

She smiled and rubbed his back in lazy circles again. “Of course.”

---

Over the following weeks, their routine formed. Twice a week PT with Laura, biweekly appointments with Dr. Ahn to monitor progress. The swelling continued to go down and Emily continued to improve; the feeling fully returned to her legs and she could curl her toes or roll her ankle with concentrated effort. And then less concentrated, just focus. Even the occasional bad day--from her nightmares or his migraines--were only hiccups.  Serious ones, sometimes, capable of wrecking their plans. But they got through.

There were more interview and appearance requests, all of which Emily politely declined(less politely, if they pushed). There were a few days Rae shooed Kaidan out of the house or “kidnapped” Emily for a girl’s day. Emily was glad that--after lodging a token protest--Kaidan went along with it. He deserved a break, and his mom was fun to hang out with. 

There were sunrises and sunsets to watch, almost all just as gorgeous as Kaidan had promised, and even better enjoyed with a warm drink and his company out on the deck.

There were calls with her mother, with Garrus, Kasumi, even Jack a couple times. All too busy to trek to Canada for a visit, unfortunately, but all happy to hear she was healing and making progress.

It was a state Emily enjoyed as well.

Until the day she wasn’t. Dr. Ahn used kinder, if more clinical, terms to relay the news, but the short of it confirmed a suspicion that had been nagging her for a week and a half.

She’d plateaued. Full feeling in her legs, the movement in her feet and ankles, sometimes brief bursts of jerky reaction for her knees if she concentrated really heard(or was terrified out of her mind). But nothing more. No progress for three straight weeks.

“This happens,” Dr. Ahn assured her, gesturing to the wall screens with magnified images of Emily’s scans. “The swelling is gone, you’ve staved off atrophy. There’s no real physical barrier to advancing; you probably just need to build the muscles back up some more and give the nerves time to recover.”

“Probably?” Emily cocked her head at the careful word choice.

Dr. Ahn sighed and moved closer to showed her the datapad and a few scans that weren’t on the wall screens. One, in particular, which he enhanced, showed the dark shadow of an implant low on her spine. Just above the L-3 vertebrae, in fact. “This had shorted out and was removed by the doctors during your initial recovery, Commander. It’s unlikely but possible it cause some irreversible nerve damage between the removal and its shorting in the first place.”

Damn Cerberus, Emily groused to herself, curling and uncurling her toes. Sure they’d brought her back from the literal dead, but Reaper-infused tech? It was a miracle this was the only one potentially causing problems. Let’s use pieces of the enemy to rebuild our hero, no way that’ll backfire. she thought sarcastically. 

Dr. Ahn rested a hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “I did say unlikely, Commander Shepard. The human body is resilient and you’ve made such strong recovery in every other respect, I’m fairly certain this is merely a delay, not the end of the road. Something we’ll add to the list of things you’ve overcome.” He smiled. “We’ll give it a few weeks and see.”

Emily nodded. “Right.” He was probably right. He was a doctor, he would know. She’d just been rolling along with such good, consistent progress, a roadblock of any kind was frustrating.  

Kaidan let her be moody through the shuttle ride home.

“There’s no shame in this taking some time, you know,” he said as they headed for the house. “You’re not a god, Em.”

“A god wouldn’t have gotten crippled in the first place,” she muttered, picking at a hangnail.

“And that bothers you... why, exactly?” Kaidan asked gently. Rather than enter the house, he pushed her around the porch til they reached the deck and sat in a chair to be on her level.

“Why do you think, Alenko?” Emily stared out over the orchard rather than look at him. “I’m a symbol, an inspiration. Everyone is watching me, everyone has expectations.” And if I get a second chance to give people hope, I don’t want to let them down. The doctor’s words, kindly meant as they were, floated through her mind. ‘We can add this to the list...’ “They think I’m damn near invincible and they want-”

Her omnitool beeped and her glance down was followed by a harsh laugh.

“Case in point; another interview request.” This particular reporter’s fifth attempt. If they tried again she was going to block them. 

“That you won’t do,” Kaidan said. She could feel him studying her, even without looking. There was no judgement in in his tone, just curiosity.

“No. They don’t wanna talk to me, they wanna parade around Commander Shepard, savior of humanity, the Citadel, the galaxy. Meanwhile, I can’t go three days without waking up screaming, I flinch at sounds that are actually innocuous, and” --she gestured with a sharp sweep at the wheelchair and her legs-- “don’t think this is quite the picture of inspiration they’re hoping for.”

“You’re still here,” Kaidan said, tone still gentle. “You survived something that would’ve killed just about anyone else and should have killed you. So I see where they’re coming from; Commander Shepard is the personification of human grit and that’s plenty inspirational. But you’re right, they do treat you as something more--and less--than human. You don’t have to agree to any of those requests, I’m not trying to talk you into anything.”

“Then what’s your point?” Emily asked, finally looking at him.

“If you’re gonna avoid them, make sure it’s for the right reasons. Like wanting privacy, or not being ready, or your dislike of public speaking, not because you think you’ll let people down if they see you struggle. You’re allowed to just be Emily, not Commander Shepard. You’re allowed to be human. Rather than a symbol.”

“That’s the tricky part, isn’t it?” Emily scoffed. “People do love their symbols. Don’t think I’ll be escaping that role any time soon, Kaidan.”

“Well, then, I’ll help you deal with it,” he said, shifting closer to take her hand. “Think the second ever human Spectre can take some of the spotlight off Commander Shepard?”

She couldn’t help a giggle. “Not when he’s dating her, but I appreciate the thought.” She pulled him in to kiss his cheek. “I just have to find a way to deal with... all of it.”

“I’ll help.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I figured.” Emily smiled as she sat back in her chair. “And I’ll think about maybe doing an interview...” She’d hated anything that resembled public speaking since before Eden Prime, Kaidan had that right, her current circumstances were just increasing her aversion to being the latest hot topic.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re plenty inspiration as Emily,” Kaidan said, cupping her jaw with one hand as she looked up.

“Quite a bit, actually.” Even if you are horribly biased. She gave a wry chuckle.  “Now just pass that along to the media jackals and maybe they’ll leave me alone.”

“Fat chance.” 

She gave an exaggerated groan. “Worth a shot, you killjoy.”

She’d probably have to talk to someone eventually, or they’d start trying to sneak into the house--or the Bailey Center. But she’d do it on her own terms. When she was ready.

---

Ready happened sooner than she’d thought it would, partly wanting to get it over with, partly because they caught a pair of reporters lurking outside the Bailey Center after therapy.

“Guess they’re bored of reporting on the reconstruction,” Emily muttered, watching security escort the reporters away.

“Or they figure your recovery counts as part of the reconstruction,” Kaidan added in a similar tone.

Yeah,, that’ll endear them to me. She didn’t really want to reward this behavior, but she didn’t want them harassing other people in their attempts to talk to her. (Which they were banking on, she was sure.) “Kaidan?”

“Hmm?”

“I have six or seven interview requests waiting for an answer, think you could help me pick a safe one to grant?” she asked as they headed out.

“Sure, but you’re a good judge of character, Em,” he said. “You could do it on your own.”

“Call it wanting a second opinion,” Emily said with a sigh.

Kaidan made a noise of understanding, and they spent the ride home vetting requests. It took the whole trip, plus lunch, but they finally settled on one from a local station; a “rising star” named Jenna Marks. She had shared credit on several well done stories, phrased her request respectfully, and was willing to do the interview via vidcall instead of in person if that was easier.

It would be, significantly. Not having to navigate a city, the ability to end the conversation early if need be.

“You know who I’d really trust with this?” Emily sighed once the selection was made, idly circling her finger around the rim of her glass. “Emily Wong.”

Kaidan hummed an agreement as he lifted her legs so he could slide under them to sit next to her on the couch. “I get that.”

Emily toes cramped, and she wrinkled her nose as she worked it out. “She was fair, thorough, we had a good rapport, and she always did a good job focusing on the human element....” Another sigh. Allers wouldn’t even be too bad... “But, since she’s not an option, hopefully this Jenna Marks is a good second choice.”

Her omnitool beeped a couple minutes later with a very eager reporter calling to set up date and time for the interview. They arranged it for the following afternoon, to give Emily time to recover from PT and Marks time to get questions together.

Marks was prompt with her call. Emily appreciated that; the nerves had been building despite the fact she’d chosen this and the woman seemed alright from their brief interactions. Kaidan had perched himself in an off screen corner as moral support and her gopher.

“Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Commander Shepard,” Marks said, tucking hair behind her ear. “I know there are a lot of people with questions and I’m honored you chose to answer mine.”

“What I can, at least,” Emily clarified, already fighting the urge to pick at her fingers. 

“Oh, of course.” Marks adjusted herself in her chair and flashed a professional smile. “First one’s easy-- How are you adjusting to life after victory? You’ve been... very involved in fighting the Reapers for several years, I imagine it’s a bit odd to know you don’t have to anymore.”

“Odd’s one word for it,” Emily said with a faintly scoffing laugh. “While it’s a relief to no longer have that threat, it was a consuming focus for long enough to leave me, um, at loose ends with it gone. It’s actually not all that easy of a feeling to describe; missing the familiarity of something even if you’re glad it’s gone.”

She took a deep breath, still floundering for an adequate description, and caught Kaidan’s nod of encouragement. 

“I think I take your meaning,” Marks nodded. “And they are largely gone thanks to you-”

“It was a joint force of every race, working together,” Emily said, trying to hide a twinge of irritation at the minimizing of others’ contributions.

“Spearheaded by humanity, and you in particular,” Marks countered smoothly.  “Don’t sell yourself short, Commander. What’s it like knowing you accomplished something that seemed impossible, against an enemy that annihilated more societies than we’ll likely ever know.?”

Emily took a breath. “As I said, it was a joint effort; I’d never have managed without the support of the other races, both Council members and not. Their help was invaluable. But even beyond that” --she shifted in her chair as something twinged in her back-- “those other societies you mentioned who came before us made vital contributions and adjustments to the Crucible.” She held up a hand to forestall the question she knew was coming. “I can’t share details, just that we’re lucky enough to be the cycle that got it working.”

“Credit where due, but it’s not as if a perfect solution was dropped into our laps ready to go, correct?”

“No, it did take a lot of effort from many people; scientists, engineers, soldiers. I’d never want to minimize their work. We only managed to succeed through cooperation.”

“Yes, you did garner some impressive alliances over the course of this war.” Marks checked something on her datapad. “One of the most notable being the quarians and geth. Of course, that didn’t last long, as the geth were destroyed by the same... energy pulse that destroyed the Reapers. Given rising concerns about a truly AI race, and the suspicion with which they were viewed, I have to ask--was it your intention to merely placate the geth until a more... permanent solution was discovered?”

“Not at all!” Emily’s nails dug into her palm. “I was elated about the quarian-geth alliance, despite the high cost.”  ‘Shepard-Commander, does this unit have a soul?’ She bit her lip hard.  “My only goal in the war and with the Crucible was to stop the Reapers.”

“So genociding an entire race--if one wants to call them that--was what? An unintended side effect?”

“To be frank, yes.” Emily sucked the inside of her cheek. That sinking, naggy feeling she always got speaking in public was getting worse. “I also ‘genocided’ the Reapers but don’t hear anyone complaining about that one,” she said tartly. Kaidan arched a brow at her and she took a deep breath to calm down. “I did not have any good options in the moment I made that call, Miss Marks. I did the best I could in the situation.” While bleeding out, half-dead from exhaustion, and emotionally off-balance from watching a man I loved like a father die in front of me. “I regret the loss of the geth. I think they and the quarians could have done some amazing things working together. It was not something I wanted or considered or planned, my goal through the whole damn war was ending the Reaper threat.”

Javik’s voice rang in her head again. “You think to end this war with your honor intact...”

“Well, you certainly did that,” Marks said. “And the galaxy thanks you, even if the reconstruction and clean up of defunct Reaper forces will take years, it’s still better than annihilation. If you weren’t thinking about the consequences your actions might carry, what was on your mind during that final push in London?”

Kaidan shifted and Emily made a subtle gesture with one hand to say let it go. She didn’t care for the phrasing either, but she was in this now. When--and if--she cut the interview early would possibly reflect just as poorly as the phrasing of Marks’s questions. This is why I hate public speaking. “In a word? Focus.” Emily’s hands clenched. She could almost smell the dirt, the smoke, the twisted and super-heated metal. “I knew we were on our last shot, our last chance, failure would mean death for everyone.”

The memories pressed in. “You did good, child.”

Adrenaline dulling the exhausted headache.

“...stand in the ashes...”

Dodging debris, gunfire, biotic blasts, retaliating with her own. Ignoring the pain in her arm that said something got through.

“You’re under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz...”

A vehicle-flipping explosion. Garrus’ visor was cracked, Kaidan coughing blood, more spattered on his armor. “I need an evac, Joker, now!!”

“Don’t leave me behind...”

Emily shook it off with an effort just as Kaidan started to stand. She cleared her throat. “Beyond that? Survival. If we... if we could get someone there, get the Crucible activated, we could win. We could survive the Reapers and ensure no future races needed to worry about them, either.”

“And you succeeded, though at great cost.” Marks glanced at her datapad. “Both general and personally, though rumors about your injuries vary greatly--everything from you walking away with barely a scratch to being crippled--and there’s no official word. Care to change that?” Her genial smile, paired with the hungry look in her eye and after the tone of her earlier questions, had alarms ringing in Emily’s head. It felt like a trap, or the lead up to one. But she had been expecting the question, and at least it wasn’t casting aspersions on her morals.

“Sure,” she said, biting back a grimace that was half at the topic and half at a twinge up her spine. “I’m currently more toward the latter end of that range than the former. There were some comparatively minor  injuries--abrasions, bruises, broken bones--that are mostly healed by now. But there was a more serious back injury that means using a wheelchair as I wait for nerve damage to heal. The prognosis for that is good, however, and I’m working with some amazing care providers, so it’ll hopefully be a temporary situation. We’re just taking it one day at a time.”

“We? So you aren’t facing this on your own?”

“Not at all.” Emily smoothed a wrinkle on her pants, taking the moment to cool from knee-jerk irritation at the implied thought none of her friends would help her. Marks was fishing, and she wasn’t even being subtle about it. Inexperience of youth for you, Emily thought dryly. She even knew what Marks was likely fishing for. But it was another thing she’d been expecting, and had discussed with Kaidan how coy she should play. “I have the support of my doctor, and the therapist, and their respective staffs, who have all been wonderful,” she reeled off, watching the tightening of annoyance to Marks’ expression. “I also have friends who check in and offer support even if they can’t be here.”

Marks huffed a sigh, opened her mouth to say something.

Emily beat her to the punch. “But I don’t know how I would manage without my boyfriend.”

Here we go, she thought as Marks shifted, leaning forward in her chair. No names, they’d agreed. Sure people will probably put two and two together, but she didn’t need to hand it to them on a silver platter.

“So you are in a relationship,” Marks said, faintly smirking as she tapped something on her datapad. “That’s been another topic of hot debate.”

“Yes, and he’s been very involved and attentive, given support I don’t think I could manage without, helps with everything from appointments and home PT exercises to mundane things I can’t do on my own and everything in between.”

“How altruistic of him,” Marks muttered.

Emily stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?!” she snapped, ignoring Kaidan’s subtle head shake from across the room.

She’s baiting you, stay calm.

Marks gave an innocent shrug. “In my experience, no one gives that much without expecting something back--”

“You’ve never met Kaidan.” Emily winced the second the words left her mouth, wishing she could reel them back in. No. Nonono.

“--are you sure he’s not just hoping for the celebrity-” Marks’ eyes narrowed. “Did you say Kaidan? As in second human Spectre Kaidan Alenko?”

Dammit. Emily exhaled through her nose. So much for no names. “Yeah,” she confirmed. “So obviously he has plenty of celebrity on his own.” Sorry, babe.  “Though you hadn’t connected us ‘til five seconds ago, so...”  .

There was a muffled snort of bitten-off laughter from Kaidan.

“For the record, however, he would still do everything he’s done for me if I was the only being in the galaxy who knew about it,” Emily said, posture still stiff with pique. “He’s kind, and humble, strong. An incredibly capable man with more than enough accomplishments to his name to get recognition without riding my--or anyone else’s--coattails. He’s not helping me in hopes of personal gain” --just voicing it made her want to laugh it was so ludicrous-- “he’s doing it because that’s who he is.”

“Quite a man, to inspire so ardent a defense,” Marks said archly, though she did have the decency to shift in her chair as if being scolded.

“He is. And I’m very lucky and grateful to call him mine,” Emily said in a tone she hoped hit the balance between light and final.

“I can probably name a dozen people off the top of my head who agree with you on that, Commander,” Marks laughed. “While regretting he’s confirmed off the market.”

Emily didn’t dare look toward Kaidan just now--though she could imagine his expression--and was fervently hoping the vidcall didn’t show her blush.

“Anyway.” Marks cleared her throat and tapped her datapad. “You also mentioned having friends’ support, even though they can’t be here. Would these be friends aboard the Normandy?”

“No, we haven’t been able to establish contact with the Normandy since the battle at London,” Emily said, picking at a hangnail and trying not to think about the conversation she and Joker needed to have about EDI. “The relays being damaged means no QED comms either, after all.”

“I must say, Commander, you seem awfully... at peace with the fact a ship full of your friends is lost somewhere in the depths of space,” Marks commented.

Wow, you almost had me convinced you were decent for a second. “I miss them,” Emily said tartly. She rubbed her temples. This was more ‘public speaking’ than she’d done in her life and it was starting to wear on her. The trapped sensation in her chest was growing. “I hope they’re alright and I... I want them back. But since I lack any relevant degrees and--as we discussed--am injured, there’s not much I personally can do beyond wait and pray.”

“But are efforts being made to locate the Normandy and any other ships that might be stranded with the relays damaged?”

“As far as I know,” Emily said with strained patience. “Even if I had details, they would be classified and not something I could share. Now, I’m sorry if you had any more you wanted to ask, but I need to call it.”

Disappointment was clear on Marks’ face, but she nodded. “Of course, Commander Shepard. Thank you for the time you were able to give.” She tapped her datapad. “And we’ll send the edited file for review before we finalize it to air.”

Emily nodded, trying to loosen the growing tightness in her chest with slow breathing, and the screen went blank.

“You alright?” Kaidan asked, swiftly moving to her side.

“Yeah,” Emily managed. “Think so.” She buried her face in her hands. “That could’ve gone better. I’m sorry, Kay.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He rubbed her back in consolation.

“But they’re gonna be all over you even more now, and your mom-”

“Can handle herself. I’ll make sure she knows, but don’t worry about her. Or me.” His eyes twinkled. “Though it was kinda sexy watching you defend my honor like that.”

Emily groaned and ran her hands down her face as she looked up, but couldn’t resist teasing back. “Only kind of?”

“No, you’re right, it was really sexy,” Kaidan grinned, leaning in to steal a kiss.

“Any time, babe.” She cupped his jaw with one hand. “I am sorry, though. I should’ve kept my cool better. We agreed no names to make things easier, and I couldn’t even hold out past the first blatantly obvious bit of bait she dangled in front of me.”

“People would’ve figured it out eventually, Em,” he consoled, kissing her forehead. “Celebrity gossip brings out the bloodhound in a lot of people. Even if it would’ve been fun to make ‘em work for it.”

“You’re cute when you’re thinking devious thoughts,” Emily murmured, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. “But I still shouldn’t have let her get to me like that. Didn’t let al-Jilani bait me, but an ambitious little newbie managed it,” she groused, still annoyed with herself.

“I can think of a notable difference,” Kaidan said gently, pulling over a chair to sit next to her and taking her hands in his. “Al-Jilani went after you. Marks went after me, and you’ve always been quick to the defense of people you care about, whether verbally or physically. Also, maybe she’s just better at it than al-Jilani.”

“She did make both of us think she’d be a good person for me to talk to...” Then had me skirting panic attacks twice and attacked both my character and yours. Emily sucked the inside of her cheek. Damn reporters. She stared out the window, toward the horizon, and beyond it the stars, the vast expanse of space, and--somewhere out there--the Normandy and God only knew how many other ships.

“Hey.” Kaidan squeezed her hand to get her to look at him. “They’re working on it, okay? Last report from Hackett sad relay repairs looked promising, and since Garrus said they know the Normandy’s trajectory, it’s just a matter--”

“I know.” Emily stared down at their hands.

“You aren’t a bad friend for not detailing a classified operation to a reporter, Em,” he said, tone quiet. “Let her think what she wants.”

Damn, he knew her well. She nodded, but it was a weak and noncommittal agreement at best. 

Kaidan slipped one hand free so he could tip her chin up. “C’mon,” he smiled. “I think lunch on the deck is a good idea for today.”

“Mm, that is a good idea.” Emily unlocked the wheels and started out of the room. “Shame I forgot to include smart on that list when I was defending your honor.”

He made a tsking noise and smirked. “You’ll have to remember next time, Shepard.” 

“I don’t plan for there to be a next time, Alenko,” she retorted, pausing to rake her fingers through her hair. “No more interviews from me, not until I’m sure I can keep it together better than this time.”

“I think you did alright.”

She snorted. “Yeah, but you’re biased.”

“True,” Kaidan said blithely. “I’ll grab food and meet you out there. The magnificent view can help you forget.”

Sure will, Emily thought, watching him walk away. “Even without a sunrise,” she teased, and Kaidan was laughing as he headed for the kitchen.

---

By the time they finished lunch, Emily seemed... resigned toward how the interview had gone. Still, perhaps, annoyed at the gaffes--because she wouldn’t be Emily is she wasn’t holding herself to a high standard--but accepting of the fact there was nothing to do but work with it.

Kaidan still noted the new, if faint, tension in her that hung on for several days. And even if she’d staved off a panic attack mid-interview--he knew the signs and how close she’d come--her nightmares were bad that night. And the next. He really should have stepped in and cut things off when Marks showed her true colors.

Emily was quiet and more driven than usual about her PT the next week, laser focused in her questions for Dr. Ahn at the check-in. Kaidan understood what was driving her, especially after he saw the interview footage.

The lighting made her look even paler than usual, and while she was clearly the same tenacious, determined Commander Shepard who wrangled the galaxy into standing together, there was an air of fragility at points that was impossible to miss. It was obvious she had been through hell and even though she’d been tough enough to survive, hell had done a number on her. And that wasn’t even getting into Marks’ slanted and prying comments in the name of ‘hard hitting journalism’ and making a name for herself. 

Viewing it again, all edited and trimmed for airing in a set time slot, Kaidan could hardly blame Emily for dragging her feet about sending a reply.

“Alright, talk to me,” he finally said after giving her a couple days to process. He’d figured she would bring it up, but if she was gonna let it stew and try to struggle though on her own, well. He was more than willing to give a gentle nudge.

“About what?” Emily looked down at the ball she held before tossing it down toward the orchard for Mo to chase. They hadn’t gone anywhere the dog needed to come along for a few days, and she had lots of pent-up energy to run off as a result. The bench at the top of the orchard slope had an added bonus of privacy for their conversation while they took turns throwing a ball for Mo.

“Whatever has you crumpling in on yourself. I’m pretty sure I could guess, but don’t wanna assume.”

She bit her lip and he hoped the pregnant pause was getting her thoughts in order rather than planning to deflect. “And I’m pretty sure you would be correct.” Mo came charging back and dropped the slobbery ball in Emily’s lap. She half-smiled as she threw it again. “There’s part of me trying to come up with an excuse for Marks to bury the interview instead of airing it. But I also know it would take a lot, this’ll make her career, and that’s all it would be; an excuse, not wanting to look weak. And if I ask with a flimsy reason it’s just gonna make it look worse and make her and others more curious what I’m trying to hide.”

This time when Mo returned, she dropped the ball at Kaidan’s feet, and he picked it up to throw. “I get that, but maybe it’s a good thing for people to see you ‘weak’.” He still thought she was incredibly strong. He lobbed to ball for Mo. “Even if that weakness is just a different kind of strength.”

“Remind them I’m human?” Emily asked with a wry smile.

“Basically, yeah.” Kaidan watched Mo chase the ball, leap to catch it. “You’re not invincible, and you have limits, like anyone. The perseverance that inspires them is still there; you get knocked down and you recover-”

“But I’m not!” Emily cut in, voice oozing frustration. “That’s the thing, Kaidan, I’ve been stuck for weeks. No progress and nothing I can do but ‘wait and see’.” She raked her fingers through her hair. “It’s... I don’t even...” A sigh as she threw the ball for Mo again. “It’s not even the thought of being in that” --a wave toward her wheelchair parked nearby-- “the rest of my life. I’ve known from the beginning that was a possibility. I’m lucky to just be alive. And that’s the issue--if I’m alive, and I’m such an inspiration I feel like I owe it to the galaxy to be that, in whatever capacity I can, and hitting a rut in my recovery isn’t very inspirational.”

“Maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you,” his own voice mocked him. 

“Emmy.” Kaidan reached for her hand just as Mo returned and, sensing the change, buried her head in Emily’s lap. “You don’t owe anyone anything, sweetheart.”

“I’m trying... trying to believe that,” she said softly, holding his hand tight. “But you know me. Responsibility’s not an easy weight to shuck and I still feel like I’m letting people down.”

“I get that,” he said with a nod, turning over some thoughts as he chose his words. With what had been hung around her neck and for how long, that wasn’t going to be a feeling she could just brush off, he knew. “You aren’t. And I’ll keep reminding you of that as often as you need.”

“Thanks,” Emily murmured, scratching Mo’s ears with her free hand. “It’ll probably be a lot.”

He believed that, looking at the circles under her eyes and slump of her shoulders. How did you even begin to shift out a mindset so thoroughly ingrained?

---

Kaidan studied her face and Emily let him, not hiding the strain that tugged at her features. Three bad nights in a row--not to mention that damn interview--topped with a grueling PT session had drained her enough even without the fear her progress would stagnate here at curling toes and rotating ankles, minimal movement and no weight bearing.

He took a deep breath and tugged her closer, until she slid into his lap, and settled one arm loosely around her waist. “Y’know what?”

“What?” she asked cautiously, distracted from watching Mo chase a squirrel by the care in his eyes.

“You don’t have PT or a check-in tomorrow.” Kaidan brushed a kiss just below her eye. “I think we should go do something fun. I think we need it.”

“Like what?” Emily leaned into the soft kiss, then rested her forehead against his temple.

“There’s a boardwalk along part of Peace River that’s reopened recently, there’s lots of neat shops and stalls, arcade-style games, good food, gorgeous views, great company...”

She giggled, weighed how draining the day might be against how much she needed a chance to relax. “Sounds good.”

“Something like that doesn’t have a time commitment, either,” he continued, “so we can leave whenever you want.”

She laughed as she straightened. “I already said yes, babe, you don’t have to keep selling it.”

“Just wanted to make sure you know that,” he said, stealing a kiss. “I know you’re more comfortable when you can make an easy exit.”

Emily smiled and cupped one hand to his jaw. “Always lookin’ out for me. I’m so lucky I have you.”

She knew it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with commitment, and it made her love him more than she could put into words.

“I’m just dating you for the celebrity appeal, remember?” Kaidan teased.

She groaned. “Please don’t remind me of that interview. I can’t remember the last time I was tempted to shoot someone who wasn’t an enemy combatant.” 

He chuckled. “Want to leave around ten tomorrow? Or should we aim for later? I’d like to have some time to walk around before we have lunch, but-”

“We can leave earlier,” Emily interrupted. “You know I’m usually up by eight.”

“Didn’t want you to feel rushed.”

“I won’t. We can say nine.” She walked her fingers up his chest. “Unless you want to move slower.”

“Nine’s fine with me if it works for you,” Kaidan said with a smile.

“It’s a date, then,” Emily said playfully.

“It’s a date,” Kaidan laughed, and they turned their attention to the sunset.

---

Despite her insistence, Emily could still admit privately it was a  minor miracle they got out of the house when they’d planned to. (Well, alright, 9:03. Close enough.) No mishaps, no migraines, no muscle spasms or panic attacks. After some careful deliberation about her mental state, where they were going, and the fact Kaidan would be with her, she decided to leave Harmony home with Rae.

“You get to have the day off,” she crooned, ruffling Mo’s ears, and the dog gave a happy groan at the attention before curling up to sleep.

The shuttle ride was uneventful aside from one detour around a reconstruction site, and they arrived at the boardwalk more or less when they’d been aiming to.

“Big place,” Emily commented, surveying the wide walkway lined with booths and attractions as she settled in her wheelchair and Kaidan got the rest of their things. “Lot of people...”

“Is that gonna be a problem?” He paused in hanging the small carry bag off the chair’s handgrips.

“Only if I get recognized and mobbed,” she said dryly. “That’s counterproductive to a relaxing day off.”

“Which is why I brought a disguise,” Kaidan said with a laugh, plunking a wide-brim sunhat on her head and handing her a pair of sunglasses. “Basic works best, right?”

Emily matched his laugh and pulled the hat brim down so it better shaded her face. Quite aside from blending in, shielding her from the sun was always smart with how easily she burned. “You better keep these, though,” she said, beckoning him with the sunglasses. “You’re hardly low profile yourself, Mr. Second-ever Human Spectre.”

Kaidan snorted another laugh and bent down to let her slip the sunglasses on his face. “Think that’ll do the trick?”

“You’re as good as invisible,” Emily teased, and kissed the tip of his nose before he straightened.

“Right then.” He angled her chair toward a ramp up onto the slightly raised boardwalk. “Any requests for first stop?”

“Your idea, your choice, babe,” she countered, running a look over the multitude of options. There was too much to choose from just at this end. She wasn’t letting him palm the decision off on her that easily.

“Wandering til something catches our eye it is,” he said, and she could almost see the small smirk. “I don’t know what’s here much better than you do, Em.”

“Wandering aimlessly fits better with relaxing day off anyway,” she said lightly. Seat of the pants worked for her in combat, why not extend it to leisure time, too?

She wasn’t sure if it was the time or the day of the week, but the crowd milling along the boardwalk wasn’t bad. Enough people they could go with the flow, so to speak, not so many the wheelchair would be a problem or draw (too much) attention.

Goldilocks zone, Emily thought glibly as she scanned the booths for anything interesting. “I assume any of the toss games frown upon... biotic assistance.”

Kaidan laughed. “It tends to be considered cheating, yeah.”

She chewed her lower lip and stared at one nearby, a sticky ball version of darts from the look of it, then glanced down at her right hand. Her arm was technically all healed up, and probably wouldn’t betray her. But--as Garrus could gleefully attest--her aim was shit. There was a reason she’d toted a shotgun.

“If you’re staring at it this long, I think we should play.” Kaidan altered course to head for the booth.

“I don’t want you to waste the money-”

“Something that makes you happy is never a waste,” he cut off her protest.  “Besides, it’s not like I’m short on credits. Think you can beat me?”

Emily grinned at the teasing challenge. “Alright, you’re on.” The counter was low enough to not be in her way, and she was curious how good he was at this.  “Impress me.”

They approached the counter, Kaidan paid the three-game charge without even hesitating, and the bin slid open to the first set of slightly-sticky projectiles. They were odd to hold, the texture not quite upsetting, but not quite normal either.

“Ready?” Kaidan asked, rolling one in his palm.

“Whenever you are, hot stuff,” Emily winked back.

Her first throw barely caught the target. Kaidan’s barely missed the bullseye.

“Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” she drawled through a grin she’d couldn’t have fought if she wanted to(and she didn’t want to).

“You said to impress you,” Kaidan baited with a matching grin. “You can aim it better if you sort of flick it off your fingers instead of throwing it.”

Emily sucked the inside of her cheek as she followed his advice for the next one. Still not a bullseye, but definitely more on the target. Kaidan’s hit the outer ring and the point counters beneath the targets showed them almost tied. She looked down at the third--final--ball in her hand, then back at the target, and let it fly. It stuck solidly in the ring outside the bullseye. Kaidan’s hit one ring out from hers, giving her one point more for the round.

“Best two out of three?” he chuckled, leaning against the edge of the booth as the attendant removed the balls from the targets.

“Well, you did pay for that already,” Emily said, underscored by the counter opening to give their second round. “So might as well, right?”

“That’s the spirit.”

Kaidan won the second game--trounced her, really--which made the final set a matter of pride. And Emily was very proud of herself when she managed to win that one, too.

“Yes!” She punched the air and almost knocked off her sunhat.

Kaidan laughed and moved so she could see the selection of prizes for her point total. “Congratulations. Choose your spoils.”

“Hmmm....” Emily tapped a finger against her chin as she looked at the options. It was mostly cheap toys; noisemakers, flimsy looking metal models, slightly goofy stuffed animals. She finally settled on a stuffed woodpecker wearing an ‘I ♥ Peace River’ t-shirt.

“Nice,” Kaidan snorted in amusement as he tucked it in the bag.

“Hey, I coulda picked the Blasto slap bracelet set and made you wear one,” she countered with a smirk as they started off, a gentle moseying pace that let them scan the activities, storefronts and food stands ass they went.

“Made me, huh?”

Emily tipped her head back to flutter her eyelashes at him. “I know your weaknesses, Major.”

“Ah, playing dirty, I see how it is.”

The light banter continued as they did, pausing occasionally to peruse the souvenirs displayed outside a store or play another game. Emily’s favorite of the morning was the claw machine, even if they didn’t fare much better at the game than Zaeed had.

 After a truly inordinate amount of time, credits, and laughter (not to mention stubbornness), Emily managed to snag a ‘mystery prize; the sphere opaqued to conceal its contents, and Kaidan missed the mini hanar keychain he was aiming for. He caught one with cheap silicone ring in it instead; part of the ‘powers of the galaxy’ set displayed on the side of the machine. It featured colors like ‘explosion orange’ and ‘relay grey’. Because the galaxy loved irony, Kaidan’s was tacky shades of ‘biotic blue’.

“Wow.” They said it in unison, almost but not quite laughing.

“I don’t think that’ll even fit me,” Kaidan commented, the almost-laugh still hanging on his words as he looked at the ring. “Not that it’s something I’d want to wear...”

“Oh, no, of course not.” Emily rotated her own prize in her hands. “You wanna grab a snack and I can see what mine is? If it’s good maybe we can swap.”

“Aw, you’d do that for me?” Kaidan teased as he tucked both prize spheres in next to her stuffed woodpecker and the t-shirt she gotten from one of the souvenir kiosks(it was three sizes too big and very soft; she planned to make it her new sleep shirt).

“Just shows how much I love you,” Emily deadpanned. “I smell funnel cake, can we hunt that down?”

He chuckled. “Sure.”

Given there were vendors selling every kind of food, healthy and decidedly not, every ten feet, the funnel cake didn’t take long to find. They procured two drinks and a large handful of napkins as well before heading to a bench. Emily switched from the wheelchair to the bench so she didn’t get powdered sugar all over it. Kaidan sat next to her, and while it took a lot of effort--and a little help from him--she swung her legs up to rest over his lap. This position made the armrest dig into her spine a little, but she didn’t mind. The funnel cake was in her lap where they could both reach it, and Kaidan idly rubbed her leg with one hand as they ate.

“Mmh, do you know how long it’s been since I had funnel cake?” Emily mumbled around her first bite.

“A long time, I’m guessing, if the euphoria on your face is anything to go by,” Kaidan said, smiling as he brushed futilely at the powdered sugar dotting her leggings after his first bite.

“At least four years,” she said, nodding, around her second bite,. “I know they’re... irredeemably bad for you, but they taste so good. And biotics need the calories.”

He chuckled and leaned over to dust sugar off her nose. “I think you, of all people, have earned the right to be a little bad every once in a while, Em.”

She grinned and tugged on the brim of his baseball cap, added to his sunglasses from the same kiosk she got her t-shirt as the sun was starting to climb, to pull him even closer for a sugary kiss. “Just a little bad, huh?”

“Little is subjective,” he murmured, eyes twinkling. “But you’re gonna drop the funnel cake if you aren’t careful.”

She released him with a yelp of dismay to catch the funnel cake before it slid from her lap.

“Good to know where I rank next to funnel cake,” Kaidan said with a laugh.

Emily threw a balled up napkin at him. “Hush you. Let me enjoy my fried and sugary dough in peace.”

He did just that, a smirk tugging his lips. While he did take a couple more pieces, she definitely ate the lion’s share. She closed her eyes to enjoy the breezy warmth of the day as Kaidan discarded the trash, then returned to slide under her legs again.

“Tired, Shepard?”

Emily opened her eyes at the amusement in his voice. “No, it’s just really nice. Thanks for this, babe. I needed a day like today, I think more than I realized,” she admitted. “A day out with her boyfriend really helps a girl feel human.”

Kaidan’s brows arched at the reference to their previous conversation even as he smiled. “Happy to help. And I got something I needed out of it, too--seeing you relax for once,” he clarified before she could ask, then dug out her claw game prize from the carry bag. “Now. Ready to see how lucky you are?”

“Oh, I’m already the luckiest ‘cause I’ve got you,” Emily said, tone glib even if she meant every damn word.

Kaidan laughed. “Awful cheesy for you, hon.”

“Doesn’t make it untrue,” she retorted as she popped open the mystery prize to reveal a wildly patterned pink and red stress ball. “Oh, hey, that might actually come in handy...” She set it aside--trying not to dwell on how many credits they’d spent on what amounted to silly junk--and turned back to Kaidan. “Regardless of prize machine success, I really did win big in the boyfriend department,” she said, reaching for his hand so she could interlace their fingers. “You’ve done a lot for me, Kaidan. More than I can fully fathom. You support me, you call me out on bad decisions, you’ve had my back against... through a lot. It means so much knowing you’re there.” 

She traced his fingers with her other hand. “And even more than just... the Reapers, you gave me a home, and you get me to and through therapy and nightmares, and muscle spasms and bad days of every kind and.. and even today,” she continued, “Picking up that I was stressed and knowing how to help and doing it without hesitation. You’re just... always there. And that means more than I can put into words.” 

“I said I would be,” Kaidan replied softly, his thumb brushing the side of her hand. “I’m in this for the long haul, Em. Good and bad, exciting and mundane, hard and easy and everything in between. I love you and don’t wanna lose you again.”

“Sweet as always. That sounds like you’re rehearsing a proposal,” Emily mumbled with a shaky laugh through the emotion lumping in her throat, unsure what else to say.

Kaidan cocked his head at her, wry smile tugging his lips. “Well, I was planning to wait until I had a ring, but why not? Oh, wait-” He pulled out his claw machine prize as Emily was still processing the implications of his comment, freed it from the casing, and looked her square in the eye. “Emily, will you ma-”

“YES-!!” She clapped a hand over her grin, heart racing, and mumbled a giddy, “Sorry, I’ll let you actually finish asking...”

Kaidan shook his head, grinning back and tugging her closer to sit in his lap --”Good enough for me”--so he could kiss her. Emily reached up, fumbling to swivel the bill of his hat around as she kissed him back(again, and again), arms settling tight around his neck. 

The prize ring did not fit on the correct finger, but it did fit on her pinkie.

“I am going to buy you a real ring,” Kaidan promised. “That actually fits right.”

“And I’ll love it when you do, but I like the memory that goes with this one now,” Emily said, tracing along the ‘biotic’ design. “So, do we tell your mom now, or after we have the official ring?”

“I don’t know about you, sweetheart,” he tweaked the brim of her sunhat, “but I think I’ll still be grinning big enough to clue her in when we get back.”

She laughed and nuzzled her nose to his. “Yeah, me, too.”

“How ‘bout Garrus and the others? When do you want to tell them?”

Emily bit her lower lip, mood dimming slightly at the thought of their still-absent friends. “Garrus was gonna call in a couple days to chat anyway. I’ll tell him then. I’ll figure out the rest later. But I’m definitely calling my mom as soon as we get home.”

“Of course,” Kaidan chuckled. “Guess we really need to work on getting her out here to meet my mom in person.”

“Guess we do.” Emily looked at the ring again, felt her heart soar at the commitment it represented, then back at her fiancé and grinned. “For now, you ready to continue the fun day out?”

“If you are,” Kaidan said, small smile tugging his lips. “I thought you might want to sit here and make out a little longer.”

“Considering how embarrassingly overboard I’ll go if we do that,” Emily said, rubbing her thumb along his jaw, “prob’ly better for makeouts to wait until we get home.” She cupped his jaw in both hands and kissed him deeply. “But we can have that one for the road.”

It made her more than a little smug when Kaidan had to blink several times to get his eyes back in focus before he spoke. “...Right. Better to limit the PDA, I guess.” He kissed the tip of her nose, then stood and moved the wheelchair closer to help her shift back. “You just make that very difficult sometimes,” he murmured.

“Right back atcha, babe,” Emily said wiggling to a more comfortable position while Kaidan gathered their things and stowed them in the carry bag. She fiddled with the ring again, unable to stop grinning as they rejoined the flow of foot traffic to see what else the boardwalk held. No matter what they saw or did, she was pretty sure nothing could make this day any more perfect.

---

They spent another three hours at the boardwalk--occupied by games, attractions, and (of course) ice cream--before heading home. Happily, contentedly tired as they climbed in the cab. Still grinning, as predicted, when they climbed out back at the house.

Rae was just settling on the front porch, mug of strongly hazelnut coffee in hand and a book in her lap, and looked up from both as they approached. A grin that mirrored theirs curved her lips. “Well, you two look like you had a good day.”

“Oh, the best,” Kaidan nodded, as he and Emily traded mischievous looks.

Rae arched a brow. “Any elaboration planned for that...?”

Emily giggled and nudged Kaidan when he hesitated as if planning to defer to her. “I’ll get to tell mine, you tell yours.”

He laughed--”Fair”--and met his mother’s gaze. “The opportunity presented itself even if a proper ring hasn’t yet, I proposed, and she said yes.”

Rae whooped and squeezed him so tight Emily swore she heard something pop. “I’m so happy for you!!” She released Kaidan and bent to hug Emily as well. “Have enough energy left to share the details?”

A joyful laugh escaped Emily as her future mother-in-law’s enthusiasm inspired a fresh wave of her own. “I sure do.” She held up her hand to show the silicone ring. “And he did give me a stand-in until we find the real thing.”

Rae peered at the kitschy band and burst out laughing. “This is definitely a story I need to hear.”

“You can hear the unpolished version, before we’ve had to tell it a dozen times and bits get shaved off,” Kaidan joked as he sat in one of the other chairs.

Rae gave another chuckle and reclaimed her coffee mug with a delighted grin. “By all means, hon. Regale me.”

And they did. Emily tried very hard to keep her word and let Kaidan tell it this time, but there were a couple spots she couldn’t help but interject. By the time the story was done, Rae had drunk all her coffee and all three were sporting huge grins.

“Now that is a story,” she said with an approving nod. “I’d say it feels like we should eat dinner out to celebrate, but I’m guessing you two are going to want to stay in?”

Emily nodded. “Spent enough time out today. Honestly, I’m prob’ly gonna fall asleep on the couch,” she admitted with a laugh, running her fingers through her hair.

“Was that a hint, Em?” Kaidan laughed.

“You do know me well.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I wanna snuggle my dog for a little while, but I’ll do my best to stay awake. Oh, after I call my mom.”

“You want living room, bedroom, or deck for that?”

“I’ll do deck, both for the view and because I can get there under my own power. Give you a break.”

“I don’t mind-”

She waved a hand to cut off his protest. “I know you don’t. I still want to give you a break. Let a girl have some independence, babe,” she teased.

“If you really want something to do,” Rae began as she pushed to her feet, “you can help with dinner prep. But I’m with your fiancée on this, hon. You’re allowed to take a break.”

“Ganging up on me, huh?” Kaidan asked with a chuckle, pulling off the baseball cap to run his fingers through his hair.

“Only because we love you,” Emily said, already calling up her omnitool as she started to move around to the deck.

It took a moment for her mom to answer. “Emily? Everything alright?”

She laughed. “Guess I need to call you more if it makes you worry something’s wrong. But yeah, everything’s alright.” She smiled and bit back a giggle again looking at the ring. “More than, actually...”

Her mother was just as excited as Rae had been to hear the news, asked for just as many details--which Emily gave--and promised to make time for a visit so they could celebrate.

“And you can finally meet Kaidan’s mom, since she was busy the time you visited the rehab center,” She wished she could say Kaidan’s parents, wished that they knew. “You’ll like her.”

“If she raised a man smart enough to fall in love with you, I’m sure I will,” her mom joked. “But I have a meeting in a few minutes, so I’ll let you go.”

“Alright, Mom. Love you.” Emily laughed and disconnected the call before heading inside.

The rest of the evening was passed pleasantly, with small talk, laughter, and dog cuddles that did indeed end with Emily falling asleep on the couch. She only vaguely woke up when Kaidan carried her to bed, enough to snuggle in close when he settled next to her.

“Love you, Kay,” she mumbled against his neck.

His lips pressed to her forehead in a gentle kiss. “Love you, Em.”

---

They were a bit tangled when Emily woke, and it made her smile against Kaidan’s shirt. His arm was draped over her waist, and one of her legs was between his, ankle--unintentionally--hooked behind his.

She wiggled far enough back to free her left arm from being trapped between them and stared at the blue silicone ring for a long moment. Warmth turned and squeezed in her chest at the proof yesterday had been real and not just a very good dream.

Biting back the joyful laugh that wanted to come bubbling out of her, Emily tucked her hand under her cheek to watch Kaidan sleep. She didn’t get long to enjoy the view of tousled hair and peaceful expression before Mo realized one of them was awake and started to worm-crawl up the bed in hopes of some attention. Emily chuckled as she reached to scratch between Mo’s ears.

Kaidan stirred a moment later, rubbing his eyes as he opened them. A soft, heart-stopping smile curved his when he saw her watching him. “Hey. Look who’s here.”

“That’s s’pposed to be my line, Alenko,” Emily chided playfully, leaning in for a kiss.. “Sleep well?”

“Mm.” He nodded, running his fingers through her hair and letting his thumb trace down her jaw. “The waking up’s better, though.”

She hummed a small laugh, butterflies in her stomach at his sincerity. “Nice little preview of your future?”

“It’s cute you think you’ll always be awake first,” Kaidan teased, leaning in close. He stopped before their lips met and murmured, “So, any big plans for today, Commander Shepard?”

Emily pursed her lips in faux-thought, their nearness meaning the gesture brushed just above the corner of his mouth. “Hmm, well... I don’t have any appointments today, and” --she linked their hands, playing her fingers over his---”I did just get engaged to the most amazing man in the galaxy yesterday. He still owes me a proper ring, though,” she said mischievously. “Thought maybe we could go look for that.”

He laughed, still slightly sleepy. “You’re awful eager.”

“Excited,” she corrected, finally stealing the kiss he’d been teasing before she sat up. “‘Sides, I’m gonna be talkin’ to Garrus tomorrow, be nice to have the real one by then, ‘cause you know he’s gonna ask. He’s a little invested.”

“Oh, just a little?” Kaidan sat up and stretched, smirking as he watched her watch him, and scratched Mo’s ears. “We can go look if you want. After breakfast. I need coffee.”

“Preachin’ to the choir, babe,” Emily scoffed, automatically holding out an arm for him to pick her up as he circled the bed. She hadn’t done morning stretches yet--after coffee--so it was best to just let him help. Another possible preview of his future... But he knew that and he wasn’t going anywhere.

The coffee was a wonderful start to the day, enjoyed on the deck along with beautiful weather and her fiancé and very attentive dog. They moved through the rest of the morning routine at a leisurely pace, greeting Rae when she rose late--also in search of coffee. By the time they were done and ready for the day, it was late enough for jewelry stores to be open.

So off they went, with matching gleeful grins. ‘Don’t look at prices, look at styles you like,’ Kaidan said as they climbed in they cab, and Emily once again had to grapple with the reminder how comfortable his family was. 

“Gotta warn you, babe,” she said as they approached the first store, “this might take a while; I’m not one of those girls who’ve had a ring and wedding décor picked out since I was ten.”

“Noted,” he chuckled. “We’ll take the time we need. I want you to be happy with it.”

The staff greeted them as they entered and proved quite helpful, the selection varied, and after an hour of looking, they’d found a couple that were very promising. But not perfect, and Emily knew Kaidan could tell she felt that way. Se they thanked the woman who helped them , gave the ‘we need to shop around but might be back’ farewell, and headed for the next jeweler on the list.

“Do you have a better idea the sort of thing you want, Em?” Kaidan asked.

“I think so,” she said with an abashed laugh. “Sorry for making this difficult; I just figured on being married to the job before I met you, and there hasn’t been much time to dwell on it since I met you.”

He snorted.” Which is what I told my mother when she asked why I didn’t have a ring if I was planning to propose.”

“Have you had a chance to look since... since London?” Emily asked, idly taking in the street they were traversing. There was some damage, as there was everywhere, but a surprising number of stores were pushing through and open despite the damage and clean-up around them.

“A few times,” he said. “Haven’t checked everywhere local yet, but some places. Including this one.” He nodded toward the store they were approaching. “But it was the first one I visited and there were too many options for me to have a prayer of narrowing it down on my own.” They paused to let a gaggle of people pass and he grinned at her. “Hopefully, we’ll have better luck this time; with the bride-to-be along and with at least a rough idea of what she wants.”

“Oh, I see how it is,” Emily teased. “Overwhelmed and indecisive so you’re passin’ it off to me?”

“I just want you to have the perfect ring, sweetheart,” Kaidan said with exaggerated innocence. “‘Sides, it’s not like I’m going anywhere; we’re in this together.”

“I feel better about our odds already,” she said glibly as they entered the store. 

As with the other one, the staff was pleasant and helpful. The man who assisted Kaidan on his first visit happened to be working, and swept over to offer assistance as soon as he registered their presence. Kaidan hadn’t been exaggerating about the selection; their inventory had to be twice the size of the first store, at least. Emily was very briefly overwhelmed and almost panicked trying to hide that fact from the charming, spit-polished associate. (Logan, she was pretty sure he’d introduced himself) Before she remembered she had some idea what she wanted and could narrow it down. “Nothing over 1.5 carats” cut the field quite a bit. Even if Kaidan could afford it, she didn’t want a big ring. “Oval or marquise cut” shrank the options even further, as did “diamond and emerald combination”.

“Do you know which you prefer for the main stone?” Logan asked, displaying a few options of a large diamond set with small emeralds, alongside a few of the reverse. Both were gorgeous, and Emily hesitated as she looked between them.

Kaidan’s omnitool beeped while she was deliberating. He pushed to his feet and gave Emily’s arm a squeeze. “Better take this; I’ll be right back.”

He stepped away for the call, but she found herself half-listening in as she looked at the rings, trying to decide which arrangement she liked better. His tone was curious but relaxed as he answered.

“Maybe you should just show me what you have in both arrangements,” Emily said to Logan. “I can’t really say I have a preference between them, overall.”

“Of course.” He started withdrawing rings to show them.

Her focus, however, shifted as Kaidan’s tone went agitated. “Mom, slow down-  what’s wr-  Are you saying-?” He rubbed his temples. “Alright, give us time to get home.”

Emily gestured to Logan. “Sounds like we have something of an emergency brewing, you might want to hold off.” She looked longingly at two of the rings in particular. “Any chance you could hold those for a day or so?” she asked, pointing them out as Kaidan returned.

“Certainly,” Logan said, masking his disappointment at the lack of an immediate sale well. “What’s the name?”

“Shepard,” Emily said, ignoring his wide-eyed moment of recognition to turn to Kaidan. “I overheard a bit. Take it we need to leave?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Kaidan included her and Logan both in his apologetic smile.  “Mom’s too worked up to say what’s wrong, just that she needs us back ASAP.”

“Family first,” Emily said, disengaging her wheel locks as her mind raced to figure out what could get this sort of reaction from Rae. “Thank you so much for your help, Logan, and hopefully we’ll see you again soon.”

“Hopefully,” he replied, perhaps the barest trace glib, giving a polite wave of farewell as he watched them exit the store.

Neither of them spoke until ensconced in a cab.

“Your dad?” Emily asked, reaching for Kaidan’s hand. She remembered losing her own father, prayed to high heaven Kaidan wasn’t about to learn that pain.

He took her hand and clung to it, swallowing hard. “Only thing I can think of that would rattle her this much,” he muttered.  “Em, it’s been.... presumed for months, but if this is confirmation...”

Emily squeezed his hand back fiercely and they were silent the rest of the way home.

---

They found Rae pacing frazzled circles in the living room, Harmony tight on her heels and whining as she picked up the emotional distress and wanted to help soothe it. She jerked to a stop. “There you are!”

“Mom, what happened?!” Kaidan demanded, brow furrowed in concern. He moved toward her once sure Emily was secure.

Rae let out a deep, uneven sigh. “...It’s your father.”

Emily bit her lip as she watched Kaidan tense.

“Did they find him?” he asked. “Is he...” The words trailed off as if unsure whether to reach for hope or realism at this point. 

“I don’t know,” Rae said helplessly. She ran shaking hands through her hair, twisting a section around her fingers. It was, Emily noted absently, the first time she’d seen Rae’s hair down and it was longer than she’d expected. Nearly waist-length. “Someone called, I didn’t catch the name and the connection was.... was patchy from the get-go. They confirmed who I was and said they had news about my.. about Tom.” She gathered her hair in one hand and twisted it in a quasi-ponytail over her shoulder. “Then the damn call dropped and I haven’t heard anything else!”

Kaidan glanced at Emily as he stepped forward to pull his mother into a hug. She had a sneaking suspicion he was intimately familiar with that horrible so-close almost-knowing.

“Mom, it’ll be alright,” he soothed. “We know they have news, and that they know how to reach us.” He rubbed her arms.” And I assume you tried to call back?”

“Static,” Rae mumbled into his shoulder.

“We know comms have been down all over, they probably just got them back and are dealing with kinks-”

Rae’s hand flew up to cover his mouth, her other twitching toward her ear.  “Hello?”

Emily and Kaidan both froze. Oh, please...

“Yes, this is she... Our call dropped out...” Rae’s hand moved from covering Kaidan’s mouth to squeeze his arm. “...no, I understand... Mmhm. You-” She stood very, very still, fingers digging into Kaidan’s arm. A kaleidoscope of emotion flew across her face, the corners of her mouth quivering, but Emily couldn’t tell which way they were trying to curve. “And his.. he’s where?”

Emily held her breath. Oh please, oh please, oh please.

“Thank you, Lieutenant Commander,” Rae said, breath starting to come in a rush. “Mhm. Thank you so much.” She covered her mouth with her hand as the call disconnected, gaze meeting Kaidan’s. “He’s alive,” she managed, voice thick, before collapsing against his chest, relieved sobs shaking her shoulders.

The raw emotion and overwhelming relief that flashed in Kaidan’s eyes as he hugged his mother close drove Emily’s held breath from her lungs in a rush. “Oh, thank God.”

“You said it,” Kaidan muttered with a stunned chuckle, smile slowly spreading across his face as the news sank in. “Mom, did they say anything else? Is he hurt, is he coming home?”

Rae straightened, semi-composing herself, though the huge grin refused to go away. “No, they know he’s alive because he ‘made contact’, but his team was far afield and still picking their way back. There were injuries, but the base doesn’t know the spread or extent. So I don’t know if he’s one of the injured or how bad it might be.”

“We can find out details later,” Kaidan said, hugging her again. “This is... more than enough for now.”

“Damn straight,” Rae said with a shaky laugh. “I’m breaking out champagne, it feels warranted.”

“We’ll meet you on the deck,” Kaidan said, moving toward Emily’s wheelchair as Rae headed for the kitchen.

Emily had the wheels unlocked and was moving toward the door even before he reached her. Mo followed close behind them.

“How’re you doing, babe?” she asked, once they were outside.

“Stunned,” Kaidan admitted as he dropped into one of the chairs. Mo shoved her head in his lap and he half-smiled as he roughed her ears. “Overjoyed, obviously, but...” he exhaled, meeting Emily’s eye. “I figured I used up all my miracles, Em. I got you back twice, survived Mars, Biotics Division is still mostly intact... How lucky is one guy allowed to get, you know?”

She met his disbelieving smile with a soft one of her own. “Maybe this one’s your mom’s miracle. And anyway, I wouldn’t call it luck. Considering the Alenko I’ve had the honor and pleasure of knowing for a good long while is resilient as hell and good at inspiring leadership, can’t say I’m surprised your dad’s the same.”

Kaidan laughed. “This the part where I say I came by it honestly?” He ran his hand through his hair. “Though knowing Dad, he’s gonna be one of the injured, prob’ly from protecting someone else, so we’ll have to see how bad that is...”

“Maybe you should rename this place the Alenko Home for Invalids or something,” Emily teased, rolling her chair back and forth before reaching for his hand. “It’ll be fine, Kay. Where’s there life there’s hope and all.” She looked out over the orchard toward the distant, barely-visible reconstruction work. “And I know, better than most, you can come back from just about anything with a good support system. Think your dad’s gonna be just as lucky as I am in that regard.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek just as Rae joined them, bottle and glasses in hand.

“Not the best vintage,” she laughed, grinning as she set the glasses on the table. “But I frankly don’t care right now.” She popped the bottle and started pouring. “To good news.”

“And optimism,” Kaidan added, taking the glass she handed him. “Good job hanging on to yours, Mom.”

“Thanks, hon.” Rae poured glasses for herself and Emily as well. “Sometimes that’s all you can do, grit your teeth and hope.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Emily laughed. She squeezed Kaidan’s hand and held up her glass. Hope as a last resort was a strategy both knew well, though rarely did it pay such miraculous dividends.

She was glad it had, though, Emily mused as they toasted and drank. She’d swear there was a difference with the tension of that looming question gone. Like the weight of one burden among several had lifted from Kaidan’s shoulders, and his mother’s, too. Sure, it wasn’t likely to be smooth sailing, for Tom or Emily herself, or even the galaxy as a whole, but they had each other and they’d make it through. She looked down at the ring on her hand.

Hard, easy, and everything in between.

[swaps55]

69 for the Spotify Wrapped Meme.

EEYYY [fingerguns emoji]

Also asked by @dearophelia!

Send me a #1-101, and I will either tell you which fic the corresponding Spotify Wrapped song inspired, or write a ficlet based on that song.

This song is already tied to an exiting fic!

69. Mess Is Mine, by Vance Joy

This song was on my Opus playlist before it was Opus, before Sonata existed, back when I very foolishly believed a trilogy-spanning tale would be a single fic. It's the song paired with the trip to the Alenko Orchard, which wound up being a nearly 30k novella on its own.

This snippet comes from part one of Your Mess Is Mine, from Cantata.

~

“It’s spring,” Kaidan hurries on, the words tumbling out of him as the thought of Shepard, on Earth, with him, sets his heart racing. “The trees’ll all be in bloom. You can smell everything coming out of hibernation and growing again. Sure, the weather can be a little unpredictable, the bugs start to come out—”

Shepard blanches.

“—but the rhubarb should be in season, maybe the strawberries if we’re lucky. The whole property is just beautiful this time of year. House is big and comfy, nothing like a starship.”

“You realize that none of what you just said is a selling point, right?”

“My mother’s risotto is better than mine.”

“Now we’re talking.”

Kaidan digs his toe at the base of the railing. “You, ah. Don’t have to do this. I don’t have enough intel to know what I’m getting you into. It’s not fair to drag you into my mess.”

“Seen my fair share of messes, Kaidan. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, Shepard,” he says after a moment.

[ljandersen]

Sideways Part 3

-----------------------------------

Chapter 19:

Another Lifetime

(End of Part 3)

Fandom: Mass Effect Trilogy, post-war

Pairing: Femshep/Kaidan Alenko

Rating: Mature

Available:  AO3 (beginning, new chapter)

Summary:  

Shepard is starting to feel obsolete with her quiet life when she wakes up in another timeline. War-torn, brutal, and speeding toward destruction, it's a timeline formed by her renegade decisions. Despised and friendless, even the man she loves calls her enemy.

To get home, she'll need to steal part of a dormant mass relay. Powerful enemies and dangerous secrets stand in her way, but the alternative is a fate worse than death.

“So, you won’t sign it?” Shepard said.

“I won’t sign it now,” Cicero clarified.  “I recommend other species do the same.  The Council acts on its own -- unfettered -- but the rest of us have other leaders to include and a populace to represent.  Races as wide-spread and powerful as the asari, turians, and salarians need more time to consider than one day allows.”

“You just heard them say they consulted their people.  You’re the only one who hasn’t.”

“I’m the only one not dazzled by your flare with a presentation or bowed down under your intimidation tactics.  Once they have fresh air and some distance, they’ll see it too.  I’m not saying it isn’t an impressive first draft.  The time was well spent.  But you can’t pressure me nor any of us here to go against our better moral judgement.  Mine recommends caution.”

“The Alliance is the only one at this table actually at war with the krogan.  You have the most to gain.  Sign the proposal.  Stop stalling and monologuing.”

Cicero interlocked his hands on the table.  “No.”

“No?” Shepard echoed with heat.  “You’re the only one making this treaty -- the one we’ve labored over for a week to create -- fail.”

“I realize I risk a slapping, but let me speak plainly, the Alliance will not sign that peace treaty.”

Shepard met Councilor Wilson’s eyes on the other end of the table.  His face was puckered and red, sweat beading between his eyes, knuckles blanched from fisting the chair's armrests. 

“That’s your final answer?” Shepard looked back at Cicero.

“I don’t believe I’ve been unclear on that point.”

[ghostxofxartemis]

MerWeek Day 2: Long Time no See

Summary: Axel and Kaidan are living happily ever after now that the war is over, but there’s only one more thing to solve. A lifetime of anger towards his mother, can he manage to put that all aside for the sake of his newly found daughter?

Ship: M!Shenko

Tags: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Axel Shepard (OC), My Shepard.

Rating: T

Words: 1149

Also available on AO3

To say Axel was upset that Kaidan had invited his parents to come visit them in Vancouver was a monumental understatement. He was looking forward to seeing his father, but his mother’s an entirely different story. The woman hadn’t sent so much as an email since his return from death and then she had the audacity to pretend nothing was wrong when he had begrudgingly contacted her at her behest during the war. She stated how proud she was of him for commanding his own ship, how he was living his dream. It wasn’t his dream, it was her dream.

Here he was almost thirty-three fucking years old and he doesn’t know what to do with the rest of his life now that the Alliance is behind him. He needs time to think, evaluate and having his mother come over and force feed the Alliance down his throat is not helping. Maybe if he hadn’t lived his teenage years in sex and alcohol, he might have been able to stand up to her and tell her to fuck off like he had wanted to do so many times and have a better grasp of he is as a person and not as Commander Shepard.

Unconsciously, he reaches out to the gravity well of dark energy and he slams the cupboard door in the kitchen, and pounds his glowing fist onto the counter, denting it slightly. A small yelp is heard behind him, and he curses under his breath. The remnants of his biotics fade in blue licks.

It wasn’t about him, it was for his, their, daughter. Her whole life she had known but only one side of her family; her mothers. Axel had been hidden from her her whole life until only recently when Melanie was discovered to have died with Hammer Team. She had been right there. After so many long years, he hadn’t seen her. Damn her for keeping so many memories away.

“So I managed to get most of what was on the list. I couldn’t find asparagus so I’m tweaking tonight’s meal.” Kaidan deposits the brown grocery bag on the counter and pecks Axel on the cheek. It takes only but a moment for him to notice the tension in Axel’s jaw, his temple pulsing as he’s gritting his teeth. Kaidan places a hand over Axel’s and slowly he feels the younger man's tension dissolve away. Axel unclenches his fist, and Kaidan laces his fingers with his. Bringing Axel’s hands against his lips, “I know today is going to be difficult for you. I have your back. But can you promise to try and behave for her?”

Axel glances over his shoulder back at their daughter Ashley. He takes in a deep breath to try and quench the torrent of anger boiling inside him. Looking back at Kaidan, he looks eyes and sighs. “I can’t make promises I know I can’t keep, but I will try as long as she doesn’t mention me returning to the Alliance.”

“Okay, so if she does bring it up,” Kaidan unlaces his fingers and starts putting away the meat and produce in the fridge, “let’s have a ‘safe topic’ plan… like maybe how we need a new countertop?” Kaidan teases as he looks over at Axel.

“We needed a change anyway.” Axel mumbles as he picks up his coffee mug and takes a sip.

“I was thinking about getting a wood countertop.”

“Kaidan…”

“And like Ashley’s soccer. Her academics.”

“Now you’re more on track.”

“Oh, of course! Her track and field too.” Kaidan shuts the fridge door, “see, it’ll be alright.”

“They’re here for two days, Kaidan.”

The sound of the doorbell makes Axel freeze momentarily, his face blanching. There wasn’t a lot that could make the man anxious, but his mother was at the top of the list. He places his mug on the counter before heading out of the kitchen. “I don’t suppose it’s too late to back out of this?”

Kaidan following behind him starts pushing him lightly towards the door, rolls his eyes. He reaches for the door and opens it, one hand still on Axel’s bicep, keeping him in place.

There, standing in front of them, was Axel’s parents. Hannah’s hair was a little more gray than the last time he had seen his mother, but she was still tiny. In her hands was a dish. She hands it over to Axel. “I figured since you’ve been on the mend, you probably haven’t cooked in a while and forgot how to.”

Frustration boils over, and Axel shoves the plate to Kaidan before throwing his hands in the air and walking away.

Kaidan puts on his most pleasant smile, “don’t mind him, he’s having a rough morning. Come inside.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Well, I guess we know where Axel gets his charm from, his father, Kaidan thinks so himself as he steps aside to let the in-laws into the house.

“Kitchen’s down the hall to your left. There’s fresh coffee in the pot.” Kaidan gives them directions as he closes the door behind them and follows the in-laws to the kitchen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The outdoors proved to be a temporary relief from the stress of having his parents over. Not even a second inside the house and she was already on him.

It never ceases. To her, he simply can’t do anything right.

Resting his arms on top of the railing, he leans as he watches their dog run back and forth down below the porch.

This is going to be one hell of a weekend. Facing a thresher maw was easier than facing that woman.

The door opens behind him and he hears light footsteps approaching him. The smell of lilacs reaches his nostrils and he groans. “Mother.”

“Axel. Son. I don’t want animosity between us this weekend. I know I haven’t exactly been the easiest to be around.”

Axel groans deeply.

“Please listen.” Hannah rests her arms on the railing and clasps her hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t treat you like a son, but as my little soldier. I am proud of everything you did, despite it all, I know I was wrong. I put my career above family. Your father made that abundantly clear the other night. When we got the invitation to come over from Kaidan, he demanded I deny it. Said you wouldn’t want me to come. I see by your reaction that he wasn’t wrong. I hope one day you can forgive me and we can start fresh. Hopefully, this weekend.”

Inhaling deeply, Axel looks up to the clouds, “It’s going to take some time. But I think I can manage.”

“We have all the time in the world now, thanks to you.” Hannah pulls away and heads inside but not before giving her son a gentle pat on the back.

Yeah, All the fucking time in the world.

[crqstalite]

This was rattling around in my head for a while. Brione's a pretty talented land driver after living on Earth her entire childhood, and she has had no time to actually show off yet in any of my writing. Not quite sure why this takes place (post-war, in Vancouver) but it does.

Very short. WIP (?). No warnings.

-

"C'mon, c'mon..." Brione's fingers fly over her omni tool, cursing while she glances in the rearview window. Still clear, but she highly doubts they completely outran them and the shadows are playing with her barely adjusted eyes. The error message flashes against the screen again when the door clicks open, "At least pretend like you work!"

"For some reason, I'm a lot less worried about the car working and a lot more about it being safe --" Kodelyn blanches while she slides into the passenger seat and slams the door behind her, "This thing is ancient, it still has wheels on it!"

"You really are a spacer, Shepard." Brione's gasp is strained, but somehow still amused when she successfully gets the engine running with another try on the hardwire hack. Wrapping her fingers around the wheel, she raises an eyebrow once the screen comes on, shining a logo. She whistles, "It's a 2090 Vanguard! Still new, technically."

"Technically?" The rumbling of the 'cycles are gaining on them down the other street while the lights flicker on, washing them in blue-white light, "This thing is 100 years old. It's older than three of us combined. I've never even been in one before."

"There are at least 10 different safety regulations being broken just by driving one of these -- if not more once you actually turn it on." The door slams shut behind Brione, and she rolls her eyes once Kaidan adds his opinion, "You sure this'll actually get us out of the zone?"

These space babies. Eighteen years driving these things and the nerve to question her competency when it came to picking cars. One of the things she was terribly talented with, "I've seen you both drive a Mako. I don't think either of you have room to be talking."

"A tank and a roadster that are a century out of date are two very different things, Petrakis."

Shh, don't listen to them.

"Modded up to today's standards, it's the equivalent of a 2169 Sapphire. Last thing to come on the assembly belt before your pretty skycars came to be." The engine is louder than she would've liked, something the owner hadn't kept up with during the war probably, but it was a beauty still. When was the last time she'd driven one of these roadsters? Must've been years. Silently, she apologizes to the owner while she gently taps the pedal, leaping them forward a few meters while her passengers grasp onto whatever's in front of them with various bits of muttering. Good, working order at least. What was the fastest these things could go? Val would've had her head for not remembering, "Discontinued or not, it's the best thing we've got and I doubt Hackett will be very happy if I come back with a hole in the Admiral's head."

"There's probably a good reason they were discontinued! A hole means nothing if we're splattered on the side of the highway instead."

"If you see any of your flying bricks down the street, please, let me know. Let's see just how reliable they are." Brione grumbles, "At least you can still hotwire one of these."

Her smirk is probably more concerning than comforting, and it doesn't exactly inspire confidence in her companions. Changing gears, she glances in the rearview mirror to see their chasers speeding down the street. Their lights glare in the reflection, and adrenaline is rushing through her veins while she pushes a hair behind her ear. Clear ahead of them except for a handful of cars parked on the darkened sides of the streets, and if she remembers how they got here well enough, she can get them back into the main city within a few minutes with minimal mistakes.

"Admiral, Major. Hold on."

The sharp left turn she pulls into the street is probably illegal on any actual road, but that doesn't deter her enough not to lean into it hard. Rubber screams against the pavement, and gravity shifts just enough to make her think it just might tip. She can breathe again once all four wheels are on the ground, and slams the pedal hard once she has control of the car again. Kodelyn is tapping her bicep with increasing concern, Kaidan's saying something but none of it matters while the speedometer ticks further and further to the right as they blaze down the street. Sure, yes, the 'cycles are in their way and that's a hazard (or something), but either they move or get moved.

She's pulled a maneuver like this a few times before. Given she was about half her age and about twice as reckless, but it was this or getting hopelessly lost in a dark neighborhood in the middle of the night with people of interest in the back. London and its outlying areas she knew well enough to lose people in and play a mean game of cat and mouse, but this wasn't her territory. This is barely a model she even likes and her backseat drivers are on her nerves already. She was playing by different rules, and she'd have to adapt.

Still, it's nice to be back in one of these. So much better than one of the Serrices they have her driving around the Citadel.

To her left, another thin alley she could go down, but the lights of the Vancouver skyline are enough to propel her to push down harder. The longer they're here, the longer they have to gather reinforcements. Logically, if she continues down this road, it should take her back into the main part of the city without too many detours.

Two meters before impact.

Brione ends up half right, some of the 'cycles screech to a halt or turn just enough to get out of the way, but she clips one and the bike flips when she races down the street. The crunch of it on another car's hood is a little sickening, but the rest of the them don't take the time to check on it before their engines roar to life again.

Then they were just going to make this interesting for her. She could work with that, and boy did it get her blood pumping. Another sharp turn, another round of shouting.

No one could ever say she wasn't fun at parties now.

[soldiermom1973]

N7 Month Day 7 - Free Space

I was at a loss as to what to write for today (I usually am when given carte blanche like this), so I used one of the @fictober-event​ prompts from last month - “you don’t see it”.  You can also read it on AO3.  

Fictober Prompt #18 Fanfiction Fandom: Mass Effect/Shenko Rating: General audiences No warnings or triggers apply . . . . . .

“You don't see it?  How can you not see it? It's one of the largest constellations in the sky!”

Kaidan sighed at the tone in Allie's voice.  Picking out the patterns that gave the different constellations their names was easy for her and she'd spent the past ten minutes trying to get him to see the dragon shape that formed the constellation Draco.  The pair were laying on their backs and Allie spent the past several hours pointing out different constellations and sharing the mythology behind them.

“No, Allie, I don't.  I'm sorry.”

“No, no, I'm sorry, Kaidan,” Allie apologized.  “Some people have a hard time with it.  Plus, the sky doesn't look much like it did when they first named these things. I'm just used to seeing them, that's all.”

She turned on her flashlight again, using the beam as a kind of pointer, showing him the Little Dipper first, then guiding his eyes straight down to a star named Edasich. When he said he could see it, she moved the beam left and pointed out a star named Eltanin.  Then she showed him an almost-square that made up the 'head'.  There were so many stars in the sky that even with the flashlight, he still struggled to see what she was showing him.

“I'm sorry, Allie, I'm just not seeing it.”  He felt bad, knowing how much Allie enjoyed looking at the night sky and wanted to share in that with her, but he just couldn't pick out the stars like she could.

Allie sighed and clicked off the light. She reached over and grabbed Kaidan's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.  “It's ok,” she said, but Kaidan knew from her tone she was disappointed.  She wasn't disappointed in him, but in the fact that she felt like maybe she was boring him.  After all, she loved it when he could see the shapes and her enthusiasm was contagious, but what Kaidan loved was how her face lit up when he showed an interest in her favorite hobby.

“Maybe there's another one you can show me?” he offered.  He didn't want to upset her and ruin something she enjoyed so much.

“Well, Draco was named because of one of the labors of Hercules,” she mused, tapping her finger against the back of Kaidan's hand.  “Hercules had to kill the dragon Ladon, who guarded the garden of Hesperides.”

She turned the flashlight back on and pointed it at a rather bright star named Vega.  Kaidan laughed and said, “Does James know there's a star out there with his name?”

“I don't think so,” she grinned. “If he did, we'd never hear the end of it and believe me, I'm not telling him, either.”

The pair chuckled for a few moments before Allie moved the beam down to a dimmer star called Theta Hercules.  “Picture that as an elbow.  The arm goes this way,” she moved the flashlight slightly right, then back again, “and down this way to the shoulder.”

From there, she moved the light in another squarish shape and explained that was the body.  “Oh, I see it!” Kaidan exclaimed.  He squeezed Allie's hand when she finished showing him the other arm and the pair of legs that made up the rest of the constellation.  “Yeah, that one I can see!”

He looked at Allie and his heart soared when he saw her face light up at his admission.  “Really?  You aren't just making that up to make me feel better?”

“Nope,” he replied.  He took the flashlight from her and pointed out every star back to her, affirming the fact he could see the constellation she was showing him.

When he turned the light off, Allie moved and laid her head in the crook of his shoulder.  “And you know what's cool?  When these stars and constellations were first discovered thousands of years ago, they didn't look much like this. You'd probably have had an easier time finding that dragon back then than you are now.  And in another thousand years, some of these constellations won't be recognizable at all.”

Kaidan wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head.  “I'm sorry if I was snippy earlier,” she said.  “It's just so easy for me to look up and see the shapes in the stars and I forget not everyone can do that.”

“Allie, it's fine.  I just don't want you to be disappointed because I can't see the things you do.”

“Kaidan, I could never be disappointed in you,” Allie murmured, snuggling tighter against him.  “Not when you're so willing to indulge in my hobby with me like this.”

“Well, to be honest, I just use it as an excuse to cuddle with you,” he grinned.

“Like you need an excuse for that,” Allie replied, pushing herself up and kissing his cheek.  “So, what do you say?  Is that enough stargazing for one night?”

Kaidan inhaled and stretched his arms above his head.  “If you're ok, I'm ok,” he replied.  “Besides, I think there's some hot cider inside with our names on it.”

He stood, helped Allie to her feet, and the pair walked back to the house hand in hand.  Stargazing, hot cider, and cuddles on the couch was always a great way to end any day.

[screamscenepodcast]

Pride Month 2020: Scream Scene Edition

For last year’s entry: https://screamscenepodcast.tumblr.com/post/185334026099/pride-month-2019-scream-scene-edition And for 2018: https://screamscenepodcast.tumblr.com/post/174556678384/pride-month-2018-scream-scene-edition

DeWitt Bodeen (1908-1988). Writer, Cat People, The 7th Victim, and Curse of the Cat People. Gay.

Blanche Yurka (1887-1974). Actress, Cry of the Werewolf. Lesbian.

Martin Kosleck (1904-1994). Actor, The Mummy’s Curse, House of Horrors, She-Wolf of London. Gay.

Nils Asther (1897-1981). Actor, Night Monster, The Man in Half-Moon Street. Gay.

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900). Author, The Picture of Dorian Gray. Bisexual.

Hurd Hatfield (1917-1998). Actor, The Picture of Dorian Gray. Gay.

E.F. Benson (1867-1940). Author, “The Bus-Conductor” adapted in Dead of Night. Gay.

Michael Redgrave (1908-1985). Actor, Dead of Night. Bisexual.

Anton Walbrook (1896-1967). Actor, The Student of Prague, The Queen of Spades. Gay.

Keisuke Kinoshita (1912-1998). Director, Yotsuya Kaidan. Gay.

Raymond Burr (1917-1993). Actor, Bride of the Gorilla. Gay.

Charles Laughton (1899-1962). Actor, The Old Dark House, Island of Lost Souls, The Strange Door. Bisexual.

Morgan Farley (1898-1988). Actor, The Strange Door. Gay.

Richard Deacon (1921-1984). Actor, Invaders from Mars. Gay.

Vincent Price (1911-1993). Actor, House of Wax. Bisexual

[forlornmelody]

Double the Trouble Chapter 13 – Mirrors

Rating: Explicit (lots of smut. so much smut)

Ship: FemShep x Femshep Clone, Femshep x Kaidan, Femshep x Femshep Clone x Kaidan, OT3

AO3 Link: Here

Summary:  Jane faces old demons, and dares to explore new love.

Note: Whoop. This update is months late. Guess I got a little behind. Good news is that the epilogue is nearly finished, and likely on schedule.

The Alliance detention center lies outside of town, in the mountains, untouched by the Reaper’s destruction. Instead of taking a skycar, Kaidan has Jane and Shepard escorted by shuttle. While they murmur in the corner, Jane stares at the floor, trying to parse out what she’ll say to the woman who brought her to life--what she’ll say to the woman who left her to die.

Alliance soldiers salute them when they land, and Shepard returns their salutes, despite not wearing her uniform.

“At ease,” Kaidan says, though the guards are too busy staring at Shepard to notice. Jane’s okay with it--she doesn’t want to be noticed right now.

The guards lead them inside and start to scan them before Kaidan stops them. “Spectre business.”

When the guards look at each other, Shepard snorts. “Really? Do I need to show you my burnt left side to prove it to you?”

The guard on her left blanches. “That won’t be necessary, Commander.” He waves all three of them through. Another guard leads them to an interrogation chamber, and Kaidan opens the door to the viewing room.

Shepard glances back at Jane. “You sure about this?”

Jane pushes grabs the handle of the interrogation room, pushing it open.

The door clicks shut behind her, and it locks. Rasa looks up at the Clone finally, and she smirks. Something sharp and cold settles in the Clone’s stomach and her skin bristles. She wants to shake it off, but she can’t. She can’t give Rasa that satisfaction either, so she balls her fists behind her back.

“The prodigal returns.” Rasa’s eyes glimmer under the harsh light.

“I didn’t leave. You did. Why?”

Rasa rolls her eyes. “Because you failed. You were a mistake.”

The Clone breathes in sharply, trying to still her shaking. “You made a mistake. I’m not the mistake.”

Leaning forward, Rasa clicks her tongue before she whispers, “she’s standing right behind that two-way mirror, isn’t she? The real Shepard?”

“Does it matter?”

“Don’t tell me you’re content as Shepard’s pet.” Before Jane can protest, Rasa continues. “Don’t bother lying. I have ears everywhere.”

Jane Doe sits back as she realizes it. Honestly, she’s surprised it never occurred to her before. “There’s no substance to you, is there? Just smoke and mirrors.”

“You’re nothing but organic tissue.” Rasa frowns, and so Jane Doe pushes forward.

“You couldn’t feel real emotion even if you wanted. And you have been trying to feel something, anything, haven’t you.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re the fake. I’m the one who’s real. Have fun spending the rest of your life alone, in a cell.” Jane Doe pushes her chair back and stands up, ignoring Rasa’s protests as they increase in volume. They soften as the door shuts behind her.

Kaidan and Jane step out of the control room, concern written all over their faces. Shepard rushes forward, pulling her into a hug. “You okay?”

Jane hugs back woodenly. “Yeah, why?” She asks quietly.

Kaidan pats her shoulder gently, at arm's length. “You’re crying.”

Why is she crying? Rasa is a monster. And she’ll be better off without her. Then why does she feel like part of her just died? Jane pulls Shepard closer, breathing in her scent. She always smelled different--not better or worse, just different.

“She’s awful, isn’t she?”

Jane nods, hiding her tears in Shepard’s hoodie. Kaidan finally removes his hand, only to hug her from behind. “Okay?” She nods again, basking and drowning in them at the same time.

Time slips away as they shuttle back to Kaidan’s apartment. Jane stares at the wall of the shuttle in front of her, exhausted and numb. So many times, she imagined and rehearsed that conversation with Maya, with every possible outcome she could think of. To have it in her past instead of looming in her future? It feels like a dream.

Jane follows Shepard and Kaidan inside their home, wondering if this is what Maya feels like all the time. Shouldn’t she feel happy to see the end of their relationship? She hates Maya more than anything. Maya is a monster. Maya used her. Maya accused Dreya of horrible things because she was a distraction. Yet Jane still feels like part of her has died.

“Hungry?” Kaidan pops open a couple of beers, passing them around. He hands her one, and Jane realizes it’s the same variety of stout she had the first time they--did it count as a threesome if Kaidan wasn’t--?

Oh.

It’s then Jane realizes she hasn’t hardly spoken a word to Kaidan all day. She hasn’t talked to him about the night she broke his heart.

“Jane?”

She blinks, meeting Kaidan’s expectant gaze. “Huh?”

“I’m thinking about cooking up some steak. Want some?”

“...Sure.” She isn’t really that hungry.

“He makes a mean steak,” Shepard drawls as she takes a pull of her beer, “when he doesn’t burn it.”

Kaidan shoots back. “I don’t remember you complaining about dessert.”

Shepard blushes. “Mm. Yeah. It was pretty good dessert.”

“On second thought. Never mind. I think I’m about to throw up.” All three of them laugh.

Clearing her throat, Shepard mutters something about needing a shower, and then Jane and Kaidan are alone. They watch each other from across the room, studying each other’s faces, searching for clues and signs. Instead they find mirrors of their own nervousness.

Jane approaches him like she’s walking into a minefield. Kaidan isn’t Rasa. She must remember that. But her own mind won’t believe her. Swallowing she leans against the counter next to him, Jane tries to think of a good way to apologize? Take back what she said? Swear her feelings have changed? Instead she says, “So how do you cook a steak, anyway?”

Kaidan eyes her up and down, squinting as if that’ll help him read her better. He offers her a hand. “I can show you, if you’d like.”

She allows herself a small smile. “Alright.” Jane takes his hand.

Spinning her around, Kaidan pins her front-first against the stove, so that the aroma of cooking beef fills her nostrils. Suddenly Jane’s starving. Maybe not for steak. Kaidan feels so warm against her back as he takes her hand again, reaching for some sage. “First step is to season the meat correctly,” he murmurs against her ear. His breath vibrates against her amp and she sucks in a breath. A sizzle pops in the air, and it could be the steak cooking...or it could be their biotics interacting.

“Mmhm,” Jane says, trying to pay attention to his cooking lesson, but the feel of his free hand on her hip has her heart racing.

“Don’t add too much at once.” He set the sage bottle down with her hand and picks up the salt and pepper adding them to the steak. “Don’t heat things up too quickly, unless you want to sear the meat.” His stubble scratches her ear. Kaidan clears his throat. “Now, Jane, how do you like your steak?”

A shiver goes down her back as Kaidan steps to her side. “Mm?”

Kaidan grins slowly, tracing her bottom lip with his fingertips. “Do you like it raw or well done?”

“Raw? Isn’t that a bad idea?”

“Uh…” Kaidan reddens like the meat cooking next to them. “Did I say raw? I meant rare.” He backs off slightly, fumbling for his composure. Admittedly, Kaidan’s rather cute when he’s flustered.

Jane seizes her chance, turning on her heel and closing the distance between them. She plays with the top button on his flannel shirt. Her noses brushes against his as she murmurs. “Were you talking about the steak or…?”

Kaidan’s lips crash into hers, tipping her back with the force of his kiss. Jane swears softly as she kisses back, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck and holding on. There’s so much of him to touch, to hold onto--she feels like a meteor caught in his orbit. His warmth, his gravity, pulls her faster and harder, and she breathes raggedly against Kaidan’s lips when he finally pulls away. “We…” Kaidan pants, “we should talk about this.”

Even though Jane knows what he means, she’d so much rather touch than talk. Human or not, describing her feelings feels like speaking in Thessian rather than English, and she’s going to describe meat when she really means to talk about her heart. “Pretty sure you already know about my kinks, Alenko.”

He smiles a little despite himself. “Yeah I do. But I don’t know much about you.” His hands keep wandering across her front, her back, her shoulders her hips, like he’s itching to take her clothes off. What’s keeping him? Kaidan’s cheeks flush, his breath comes out ragged. Why hesitate when he wants her?

“There’s not much to know, Kaidan.” She leans forward to capture his lips, and Kaidan pushes her back with a finger.

Biting his lips, he asks quietly, “Is this just about sex?”

“Does it have to be about anything else?” She leans against him, feeling him hard against her.

Kadain swallows a groan. “I can’t do this if...this is all there is.” His hand cradles her face, brushing her hair behind her ear. “I don’t want to just fuck you, Jane. I want to make love to you.”

Why does he have to do that? “People I love either end up dead...or they leave me dead.” Did she ever love Rasa? Can someone who’s dead inside truly love another person?

“I’m not going to do that, Jane.” Kaidan swallows, searching her eyes desperately. She...she hasn’t been looked at like that since...God, and he’s not lying. Jane’s heard stories about what him and Shepard have been through.

Jane trembles with all the feelings she’s kept locked up tight. Maybe...just maybe that’s Rasa’s problem. Love, empathy...they leave one exposed, vulnerable. Rasa spent so long surviving she forgot how to do anything else. “I don’t deserve--”

“Love isn’t about what you deserve.” His thumb brushes her cheek gently, slowly, like an evening tide. “But I think you already know that.” He dares to smile a little, as if he already knows what she’s about to say.

“I already do...love you, Kaidan,” Jane manages to say. “If I’m even capable of such a thing.”

“You are capable of so much more than you think, Jane.” Kaidan kisses her again, pulling her into space with him, like they’re the center of the universe.

Jane holds onto him tightly, kissing back like he’s her only tether in zero gravity.

They break for air after what seems like forever and nothing at all. Kaidan laughs softly against her mouth. “And you probably already know, but I love y--”

The smoke alarm screeches as the steak fills the air with smoke.

“Oops.”

Kaidan swears, turning the stove off and setting it aside. “Pizza?” He says sheepishly.

“Mm... I was thinking teriyaki.” Jane keys in an order on her omnitool. “Done.”

“Mm,” Kaidan agrees. “That place serves everything a la carte. We better make some stir fry.”

“You gonna teach me? Or are you gonna set them on fire too?” Jane grins, drawing a finger down his chin.

“I can be very focused when I want to be.” Kaidan kisses down her neck as if to demonstrate his point.

Jane moans softly, winding her fingers into his curls. “What--what veggies are we stirring and frying?”

“Carrots.” Kaidan pushes a hand up her shirt. “Broccoli.” His tongue and his teeth run across her neck. “Snap peas.” He breathes against her ear, hot and heavy, “and onions” and his biotics stir her hair.

Putty in his arms, Jane manages to undo his shirt, pushing her hands inside to brush the rough knit of his tank top. “Sauce?” She breathes.

“Sesame, of course.” He bites her collar bone as if to illustrate his point. The sound of a cabinet slamming open buries her next moan. Kaidan pulls out a wok, dropping next to the burner.

The next few moments are less about learning how to cook, and more about Jane trying to distract him from cooking. “Do you like having your tits played with?” She says completely out of the blue, pushing his flannel off his shoulders and letting it fall to the floor.  

Blinking at her, Kaidan opens the fridge door, biting his lip when her hands sneak underneath his tank top. “Uh...yeah, I guess. Been a while since--”

He manages to get the stove turned back on before she latches on to his nipple. “Fuck.”

“Mm. Sensitive, are we?”

“Nng.” Kaidan wipes his forehead, reaching for the chopped veggies he has waiting in the fridge. “Fuck, Jane,” he swears as her teeth ever so slightly graze his skin.

Distantly, Jane hears a wet towel hitting the carpet. “Hot damn.”

The two of them turn to see Shepard standing stark naked in the living room, just outside the bathroom, with steam still rolling off her shoulders.

“...Oh. I uh, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I can uh...go take another shower.” Shepard turns, muttering under her breath. “A cold one.”

Jane and Kaidan exchange a look. “Get your ass over here, Shepard,” Kaidan says gruffly, and his voice rumbles in his chest against Jane’s fingers.

Shepard saunters over, carrying her towel with her as Jane snickers. Instead of getting between them, she drapes the towel on an empty space on the kitchen island, plopping her bare skin on top of it. Her heels bounce against the cupboards as she munches on some thawing broccoli. “Well?” she says as they stare.

“Suit yourself.” Jane turns toward Kaidan again, finding his nipple still moist and erect from her attention earlier. His head falls back as she takes it in her mouth again. Shepard’s heel stills as her partner moans.

Kaidan pulls her head back up, kissing her ravenously. He leans heavily against the opposite counter, bringing her with him. His fingers slip up under the hem of her crop top, exploring her edges and curves. In turn she explores his mouth with her tongue, taking note of how tentative and cautious he is compared to Shepard. As Jane breaks for air, his thumbs brush the curves of her breasts, and he gazes at her with wonder. She should say something, anything, but her mouth feels so dry.

“It’s okay, Jane.” Shepard murmurs from behind her. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Fingering the edge of her top, Kaidan asks softly, “Okay?”

Part of her brain still doubts this is happening. Jane has dreamed of Kaidan taking her clothes off--more than once--but in real life? “Yeah,” she says thickly, pulling his tank top off so that they’ll be a matching pair.

Tracing the bare skin of his chest, Jane wonders if Kaidan waxes or shaves--if it’s his preference or Shepard’s. Sliding her fingers down the lines of his abdomen, she decides it must be his idea. Kaidan seems like the type to show off, but not in an obvious way. Jane shivers as he follows her lead, skimming the lines of her tattoos one by one, with his lips parted. The sight of those lips does something to her, and she leans in to kiss him again.

“You’re so beautiful, Jane,” Kaidan says softly against her lips. “Has anyone told you that?”

Shepard hums in agreement, and Jane blushes despite herself. They’re making her soft. Somehow, she doesn’t mind. “Quit buttering me up. I’m not on the menu.”

Kaidan laughs. “Is that so?” His knuckles bump the button on her jeans, and Jane sucks in a breath, leaning into his touch as she kisses down his neck. She bites his skin just enough to leave a mark and his fingers fumble as they pull her zipper down.

Jane’s about to reciprocate, but Kaidan starts kissing down her neck, then her collarbone and her chest. She wets her lips, glancing back at Shepard as she moans softly. Shepard herself grins, her hands clenching and unclenching as if she’s itching to touch them or herself. Her thighs rub together almost imperceptibly. Winking at her, Jane steps out of her jeans, shivering at the sight of Kaidan on his knees.

He caresses her thighs, and her ass through her underwear, smiling up at her. “I can’t wait to taste you,” he says softly. Shepard tosses him her box of dental dams, grinning widely.

“You sure I taste all that differ--” Her own words get caught in her moan as Kaidan licks her through the thin rubber. Kaidan takes his time, looking up at her frequently to gauge what works and what doesn’t. Jane’s grip starts to slip on the counter as her legs begin to shake. “Kaidan--”

“I got ya,” Instead of plopping down, Shepard crawls across the counter, her weak knee almost falling into the sink. She takes her towel with her, settling behind Jane’s shoulders, holding her steady with one hand. Her fingers scratch her scalp with the other.

Kaidan murmurs his thanks against her folds, holding up a hand for some gloves.

“Yeah yeah. Make the gimp do everything,” Shepard mutters playfully as she pulls the box toward them with her biotics.

Kaidan pulls away long enough to put his gloves on and shoot back, “Excuse me? Who’s the one cooking dinner?”

“Are you?” Jane glances over, turning the burner off.

“I’ll....warm up something in the microwave.” Shepard slides off the counter, fishing out a can of green beans from the pantry. Must be Kaidan’s doing--Shepard would eat out all the time if left to her own devices.

Jane pats Kaidan’s curls as he finishes snapping his gloves into place. She swallows as a wicked grin blooms across his cheeks. “How do you like to be touched, Jane?”

She quirks an eyebrow at him. “You’ve seen Shepard fuck me how many times?”

“I want to hear you say it.” He says gruffly as he runs his gloved hands up and down her thighs.

Her first instinct is to ask why he cares. Just let him love you, damnit. Shepard squeezes her shoulders soothingly. Jane knows what she likes...but saying it out loud? Goddess, she must be blushing as bright as her hair. “Can I show you?”

Kaidan kisses the back of her hand. “Of course.” His thumb brushes her knuckles.

Taking his hand, Jane guides his fingertips to her clit, circling the edges of her inner lips, shivering at how wet she is already. Together they circle her clit slowly, lightly until she starts to squirm. “Harder,” she croaks, letting go of his hand, so she can take two fingers from his free hand.

Shepards hands scratch behind her ears as Jane closes her eyes. She rocks into Kaidan’s fingers, letting one moan after another slip from her mouth. “You want to come yet?” He looks up at her thoughtfully.

“Y-yeah,” Jane stutters, feeling Shepard’s nails scratching down her skin. Then she feels Kaidan’s biotics stirring against her. Oh fuck, she wasn’t expecting that. Crying out, she swears in at least two languages as she loses herself in him, letting him work his fingers in and out until she’s too sensitive to touch. Grabbing his wrist, Jane croaks “Don’t let me have all the fun.”

Kaidan chuckles, pulling his fingers away, and Jane looks directly into his eyes as she reaches below his belt. “Mm. I know I’ve seen it before but feeling it up close is completely different.” His chuckle turns into a laugh, and then a groan as her touch grows firmer and faster.

“Jane,” he whispers, closing his eyes.

“You like the way that feels, Kaidan?” Jane asks, and Kaidan manages a strangled reply. She reaches over, deftly undoing his belt, button, and zipper, shoving his jeans down his hips. As she slides her hand into briefs, she hears the slick of Shepard’s fingers moving against her own cunt. Glancing over, she finds Shepard watching them both hungrily, drinking in the sight of them as she touches herself.

“If I’m bothering you, just say the word,” Shepard says hoarsely.

“I think Kaidan likes being watched.” She turns to watch Kaidan melt in her hand, “Don’t you?”

Kaidan groans, rocking into her hand a little as she slides it up and down. “Jane...I’m not--bed. Now.”

Jane leads the way to the bedroom, releasing him from her grip so she can take his hand instead. It’s strange--somehow the hand squeezing, and the hugs, even the kisses on the back of her hand--it stirs the heat inside her more than anything else. She sits on the bed, patting the space next to her until he crawls next to her. Shepard leans against the door, holding her arm. “You coming, or not?”

“Uh--”

“There’s plenty of room, Shepard.” Kaidan patted the space beside him.

“It’s a queen size, Kaidan.” Was Shepard...nervous? “It barely fits two people.”

Jane quirked her head. “You ate me out on your couch with Kaidan sitting on it. You didn’t complain, then.”

“That wasn’t our first time.” Ah, there’s that blush. Shepard’s confident--not much can make her do that, and it makes it all the sweeter for Jane. “I want this to be special.”

“It is special. Now c’mon.”

Shepard swallows, sitting on the edge. “If you’re sure.” She watches Jane push Kaidan onto his back, crawling over to straddle his hips.

Jane leans over him, running a hand down his chest, all the way to his navel, relishing in the way it shortens his breath. Her fingers linger at the top of his underwear, grinding up against his length. She closes her eyes, shivering at the way his hips arch to meet hers. “You ready for me, Kaidan?”

“Nng. Almost.” He reaches into the bedside drawer, pulling out a condom from Shepard’s sex toy collection.

“...You bought those recently.”

“Since when do you take inventory?”

“She does that every time she’s in here, Kaidan,” Shepard drawls.

Jane ignores them both, sliding Kaidan’s briefs off so she can slide the condom on, adding some lube just in case. This is it, she thinks to herself, chewing her lip as she looks down at Kaidan. He reaches up, caressing her cheek.

“Are you ready, Jane?”

She answers him with a heated kiss until he grips the sheets. Jane guides him inside her with her fingers, and they moan in unison. Kaidan watches her with half-lidded eyes as she rocks into him. Part of her can’t believe this is really happening. A year ago, the Clone would have laughed at the idea of fucking Shepard’s boyfriend, but her body can’t deny how nice he feels--so full and warm, and--

Kaidan pulls her face down so he can kiss her. They’re a tangled mess of limbs and sweat and with the way his fingers slide through her hair she knows it won’t look the same without a shower. She pulls his bottom lip between hers as she moves faster, and she breathes raggedly against his mouth, their breath intermingling in a way that makes her head spin. “Fuck, Kaidan. You feel so good.”

Shepard groans beside them, and Jane glances over, shivering at the way she eyes them with want. Soon. She tells herself. Kaidan takes in a sharp breath, drawing Jane’s attention back to him. His eyes pinch shut and Jane grins as she gets an idea.

“Getting close, Kaidan?” His strangled moan his only reply. She starts to pull off him, leaving just the tip inside.

“Nng.” Kaidan grasps her hips, trying to pull her back.

“Shepard,” Jane says, nodding at Kaidan’s hands.

“Mm. Need some help?” Shepard smirks, crawling over to the headboard, sitting on top of the pillows behind Kaidan’s head.

“Not...fair,” Kaidan manages to say as Shepard pulls his hands back and holds them down.

“Shh. You’ll love it.” Jane edges her way back onto him, bringing him to the brink before pulling completely out, over and over until he’s begging her to finish what they started.

“Jane, please. I--” His fingernails turn white as he squeezes against Shepard’s grip.

“I got you.” Jane kisses him soothingly, holding a thumbs up for Shepard to release him.

Kaidan flares so hard that all of Jane’s hair stands on end. He rolls them over, plunging in and out of her so hard his balls slap against her skin. Gripping her hips, he changes the angle so that he pushes deeper and deeper inside until they both cry out.

“Holy shit, Jane,” Kaidan gasps softly, pulling out of her and disposing of the used condom.

Jane sits up against the headboard, staring at the door across the room. Usually by this point she’s already reaching for her clothes...but with Kaidan and Shepard it feels different. “It wasn’t too much, was it? You said you liked being dominated somet--”

Kaidan presses a finger against her lips, bonelessly squeezing her hand. “You were amazing. You are amazing.”

Pillow talk feels so foreign to her, but she feels a little bit better. Jane’s ever so much aware of Kaidan’s nearness to her, and every fiber of her being itches to touch him again. Words escape her. She can’t go with snark, or it might come off the wrong way--Hey, you were a better lay than I thought. Or I see why Shepard likes you so much. Honestly, what does come to mind seems so simple and childish, but Jane can’t think of anything else, and she needs to say something. “I think I like being with you.” Her skin must be as red as her hair.

Kaidan’s lips taste like the cherry flavoring of their lube. “I like being with you, too.” He glances to the side. “Speaking of being with.”

Shepard pulls her fingers out sheepishly. “I...should go clean up before we do anything more.”

“We all should.” Kaidan sits up with a groan.

“Whatever you say, old man.” Jane rolls off the bed, following Shepard to the bathroom.

By the time they’re done washing and rinsing, Shepard’s stomach growls. “Shit.”

“Dinner.” Kaidan and Jane say together. The green beans and teriyaki (found out on their doorstep) don’t taste as nice as they would have had they been eaten fresh, but it fills them nonetheless.

Halfway through her next bite, Jane spots something across the apartment, sitting on a stand next to the front door. In retrospect, Jane realizes she never paid much attention to the living room as she came in. Usually her attention was focused entirely on making Shepard come undone. “Is that--?”

Shepard’s eyes narrow and her lips press together in a fine line. “The hamster you put in a dumpster? Yeah. His name is Jeff, by the way.”

Jane blinks, speaking quickly. “Maya wanted to space it with the rest of the stuff in your cabin.”

Kaidan quirks his head, taking her in. “You wanted to save him.”

Focusing her attention on her half-eaten dinner, Jane nods. “Maya would have never let me keep it.”

“Mm.” Shepard hums, probably chewing on an apology along with her food. Kaidan elbows her. “Fine. I’m glad you did the best you could.”

“Thanks.” Jane dares to glance up at her. “...I’m glad he’s okay.”

“Yeah, me too.”

The rest of dinner passes without fanfare, though Jane is painfully aware she hasn’t hardly touched Shepard all night. It’s when Shepard’s dish has finally dropped into the sink that Jane closes in. “Hi,” Shepard says with a smirk. “Looking for something?”

Jane runs her finger down Shepard’s cheek. “Someone, actually.” She eyes Kaidan. “Who wants to be in the middle?” Her heart races as she says it, and her mouth goes dry. Already she can imagine several possibilities and they send goosebumps down her spine.

“You thinking DP or--?”

“Mm... that or doubling down on Kaidan.” Jane licks her lips as Kaidan blushes.

“You down for that, Kaidan?”

“Yeah,” he says breathlessly, his eyes already a shade darker than they were a moment before.

Taking both their hands, Jane leads them back to the bedroom. Kaidan stretches out on the bed eyeing them with that shy smile. Jane and Shepard help each other out of their clothes, crawling towards Kaidan with their lips parted. Each steals a kiss from Kaidan, before descending on each other, kissing each other ravenously, and giving the man next to them a small taste of what’s to come. They work on his cock together, both Jane and Shepard pumping up and down his shaft with their right and left hands. Shepard whispers naughty things in his ear and Jane sinks her teeth into his neck--not enough to draw blood, but enough to leave a mark.

“God, you two are--.” Kaidan groans, one hand on Shepard’s ass, the other on Jane’s back. His distracted fingers fail to find purchase when as they tag-team his body.

“You ready for us, Kaidan?” Shepard whispers into his ear, running her thumb across the tip of his length.

Jane knows she’s ready. Every fiber of her being aches to feel both of them. But in what way? She sucks in a breath when the idea comes to her. Shepard turns to her, grinning as her breaths turn up short. “You know…. I had a turn riding Kaidan. Shouldn’t you have one?”

Shepard licks her lips, unable to help making out with Jane a second time, kissing down her neck to her collarbone before looking at her (their?) boyfriend. “Kaidan?”

Kaidan chews his grin as he makes eye contact with Jane. “So, you’d be the one riding my face.”

“Mmhm.”

Leaning back, Kaidan takes Jane by the elbows. “C’mere.”

She leans over him, letting him taste Shepard on her lips, winding her fingers through his curls. She feels the snap of latex panties against her hips, and she grins as she licks Kaidan’s lips until his fists clench. Parting from his mouth is such sweet sorrow, as he trails his kisses down her neck, then her chest. Just as a moan escapes from her mouth, Kaidan and Shepard switch her around, so that Kaidan lips are on her spine, and Shepard’s are on her mouth.

“Nng. Fuck.” Jane gasps, kissing Shepard sloppily as she feels Kaidan's lips trail down one of her butt cheeks.

“Mm,” Shepard hums in agreement, pulling away for air. She guides Kaidan’s girth inside herself, and Jane sucks in a breath as she watches.

Reaching down, Jane stimulates Shepard’s clit, grinning as Shepard starts to ride Kaidan, losing her rhythm as Kaidan finds her cunt with his mouth. Shepard swallows her cries with her kisses, gripping her head with one hand, steadying herself with the other. At first it’s too much, and Jane is a quivering mess, but Kaidan’s hands guide her hips against his tongue.

And it is beautiful. She feels whole for the first time in her life. Jane is weightless, beyond the atmosphere or the confines of a life-supporting spaceship--but she knows she won’t drift away. Shepard and Kaidan anchor her to Earth, pull her in with their gravity as they writhe and twist in the bed sheets until they are pile of sweat-laden limbs gasping for air.

Later, Jane wakes in the middle of the night to find the First Human Spectres using her shoulders for pillows and smiles at the irony. Never would she have imagined, let alone dare to dream she would end up in their arms. What did Jane ever do to deserve this? To be loved, to be safe? Who is she, but a copy of a real hero?

Staring at the ceiling, Jane chides herself. Stop over thinking it. You’re happy. You get to be happy. Deal with it.

[evilsapphyre]

Pairing meme #10, Shenko

Shenko / #10 “Teach me how to play?”

Apparently the muse chose my TSP Shenko… and set it between ME2 and ME3… which is divergent from the actual game quite a bit.

——

It still felt a bit strange to him, sitting on a couch in her apartment, as they ate out of Chinese cartons. He saw her practically every day, when they met for her requisite training, but of late, he saw her twice, when he inevitably stopped by to bring her dinner. They’d share a meal, in relative silence, and he’d eventually head on to his own place. It was all rather domestic of them.

And Kaidan could tell Alexis hated every bit of that.

Her blonde hair fell across her shoulders, against the pale grey sweater that was clearly too large for her. She tucked her legs underneath her, all while holding her chopsticks like she intended to stab him with them at the first opportunity. That ought to have terrified him, yet he couldn’t help but chuckle about the circumstances.

She raised an eyebrow, her blue eyes narrowing, as she jabbed the contents of her carton. “What’s so funny?”

“Just…” He put his own carton aside, next to the half drank beer on the coffee table. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin the moment, so he chose his words carefully. “Amused by the situation.”

She scrunched her nose, like she did whenever she disliked what someone was telling her. It was rather cute when she did, but he wasn’t about to say that either. “Well, there’s nothing amusing about me being locked up here.”

“One,” he reached for his beer, taking a swig of it. “You’re not being kept here against your will. You’ve been given leave to go wherever you want.”

She took another bite of her food. “On the base. With an escort.”

“It’s a precaution.”

“It’s insulting.” Setting her carton on the table, she took a long drink of her own beer. As insulting as she thought it was, she knew all the reasons why the brass enforced the escort and kept her on their grounds. After what happened to her, they were taking no chances with her safety. His gut twisted as those dark thoughts flitted by. “Besides which, half of the places I want to go to, I’m told no.”

“Such as?”

“The range. Last time I tried I was refused.”

That much made sense to him. She liked her guns, always had. He was sure that there was a reason for the restriction initially, but she had been on Earth for a couple of months now. There was a good chance they could lift that restriction now. “I can try to talk to someone then. See if I can get you access.”

“Don’t bother.” With a huff, she leaned back against the couch, arms crossed under her breasts.

He ignored the insult that her words conveyed. Everything about her situation was difficult to say the least. He didn’t blame her so much for rejecting the help, but it was frustrating. Part of why she was here was because she needed help. He wanted to be part of that for her. “You need a hobby then.”

She scoffed at the notion, refusing to look at him. “Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know. How about cooking?”

“Cooking?” There was an incredulous note in her voice, matched by the arch of a brow.

It wasn’t a terrible idea. Kaidan knew from past experience that she didn’t really cook, just based on how she handled Julia. “What, don’t tell me you enjoy eating out all the time?”

“No, but I’ve never had the patience for it. Nor the desire.” She shook her head, the blonde hair swaying against her shoulders. “Besides that’s more Ella’s thing.”

He opened his mouth to counter that point, but he decided against it. Kaidan never truly understood the intricacies of the Shepard relationships, which obviously included calling carte blanche on certain activities. It was time to start reaching for other ideas. “You could catch up on your reading?”

“I can’t read all day. That’s going to drive me even more crazy.”

That was the problem. She was going crazy because all she had before this happened was her work. He knew that. The only thing that she ever really gave herself to other than the Alliance was to her music, a problematic subject to be certain. Still, perhaps with the mandated therapy, it was an option again. “Have you thought about…”

“No. Absolutely not.” The words came as if she read his mind. She couldn’t. That was the part she didn’t say, and he didn’t need to hear her say those words. He knew that much, and he was an ass to even try to bring it up. Even now, he watched as she flexed her fingers; he wasn’t even sure she was aware she did that whenever anyone mentioned music to her these days. Balak robbed her of a great many things, including two years of her life, but the loss of her music had to be one of the most egregious of offenses. It had been her passion, her place of calm, and her connection to her father.

It was important to her, and just like that, it was gone.

“Alright, well,” he paused as he tried to think of anything else that she’d like. It shouldn’t be so difficult, but her Alliance career had taken priority over everything for so long. Not to mention, that despite the connection, the feelings between them, they never got a chance to really share much of their personal lives prior to, well, everything. “Hell, Alexis, I’m not sure what to suggest. Unless you wanted to take up one of my hobbies.”

With a shake of head, he took another bite of his food, hoping he managed to cover his own frustrations about the situation. The last thing he wanted was to make things more difficult, for either of them, and with as quiet and still, as she had gotten, he really suspected that he may have pushed the wrong buttons. One of these days, he would manage to do things right.

A single hand reached up and raked itself through her blonde hair before she reached back out to her food, her blue eyes intently upon him. “Like what?”

“Like what, what?”

“What’s one of your hobbies?”

Oh, hell, he had been mostly joking about that. It wasn’t like he had much time for them these days between work and her. Not that he minded; she was more than worth that sacrifice. He shrugged a bit. “Well, as you know, I do rather enjoy taking apart tech, learning more about how it works.” There was an immediate scrunch of her nose that made him laugh, earning a dark look from her. “Oh, don’t worry, I recall that you and tech don’t get along. Apart from that, I enjoy playing strategy games. Like chess, Risk, and even Mech-Tech.”

“Mech-Tech?”

He chuckled a bit as she looked to him, her brow furrowed as she regarded what he said. “It’s a game where you control a group of giant robots and set out to destroy one another. You have to maneuver around the terrain, gauge your resources, and sometimes pray for a bit of luck. You know, you would probably really enjoy it.”

There was another stretch of silence as she returned to eating, stabbing at the contents of her carton. Knowing his luck, she was looking for a polite way to turn him down. At least he could console himself with knowing that he tried.

“Could you…” Her voice wavered a bit, as she broke the silence, still staring at the Chinese food in her hands, “Teach me how to play?”

Had she actually been nervous to ask him that? Was it really that difficult for her to reach out, to ask for help, of any sort? Would it have been that difficult before? He pushed aside those thoughts as he scooted a bit closer to her, setting his own food aside. He placed a hand gently on her forearm, ignoring the way she stiffened underneath the simple contact. Another thing that they would work on - in time. “Of course I will.”

[eulaliasims]

Ok, I have ten billion screenshots that need posting, so up next: Kaidan and Gaius. Please appreciate this photo of Kaidan and his boyfriend fiancee— *checks notes* —Luke merging faces.

Last round, the boys got established in apartment back in Middleground after graduating uni; Kaidan is currently a sports journalist and Gaius is meandering his way through the gaming career; Kaidan and Luke have been engaged for like six years; and Gaius started, uh, this affair.

[bagog]

Kaidan Appreciation Week 2017, Day 2 - Alliance Training

Yeah yeah, I know. I wrote these last November, I just never posted them because I felt the over-arching... tHiNg wouldn’t land, but here we go. Thanks @estalfaed for the encouragement in getting these out there.

Day 1 - Childhood Day 2 - Alliance Training Day 3 - Friendship Day 4 - Shore Leave Day 5 - Memories Day 6 - Love Interest Day 7 - Author’s Choice

++

“I tell you Shepard, you must be the stupidest son of a bitch I ever met!” Kaminsky shook his head, half patting, half slapping Shepard on the back.

“He’s a softie, what could go wrong?” Shepard teased, trying to divert the conversation.

“End of the day, we’re all soldiers. But when you’ve got a rabid dog on your team, you point him at the enemy.” The other marine shook his head, expression serious for a moment. “But you shouldn’t prod the freak, Shepard.”

Shepard ground his molars together.

“See you later, Kaminsky.”

~~

You could count the number of biotics in the Systems Alliance Navy on fingers and toes, and big as Camp Alenko was, there was only one biotic in any of the training flights. The brass knew they wanted him trained, but it wasn’t as if anybody knew how to effectively train a biotic—even for those who didn’t think he was going to get a headache and accidentally (or purposely) flay them while they slept.

So they buried him in tech work. Medical classes. Decryption. And they insisted he train his biotics, though not a single one of them were brave enough to be in the room with him when it was time to train.

So Kaidan Alenko stood alone on the training floor, holding a squat rack in the air in a glowing blue flare, waiting for the only man who would volunteer to spar with him.

“Alenko!” Shepard declared, cracking his knuckles when he stepped out of the locker-room doors. “You’re looking sweaty already. Did you start without me?”

“Had training to do, Shep,” Kaidan shot back with a smirk. “Decided if you were going to take your time prettying yourself up just to spar with little ol’ me, I might as well get started with some weights.”

“’Prettying myself up,’ so you did notice.”

Kaidan let the weight drop—just a half meter—then caught it. Another half-meter—caught it. All the way down to the floor, like it was a familiar exercise.

“Hope you wore that cologne I like,” Kaidan huffed, wiped the sweat from his brow. “Gonna be wearing it on my fists once I’m done mopping the floor with you, you cocky lil’ shit.”

“Well if that’s what you want, you gotta warm me up with some toys or something and I’m gonna need to go back to my room for some poppers.”

Kaidan blushed and stammered, and Shepard howled with laughter.

“Sh-I mean. Shouldn’t I… Feels like I should buy you dinner first or something, at least, right?” Kaidan tried to recover.

“You already owe me dinner for volunteering to be your biotic test dummy.” Shepard laughed, slapping Kaidan’s shoulder and shaking the cramp out of his legs.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll give you my beer tonight or something.”

“Nah, I’m looking forward to this.” Shepard squinted at him, “Actually, you look like you could use some food right now. You okay?”

“Biotics. They burn a lot of calories. I need to be getting more each day, but the Sergeant won’t approve a larger ration.”

He really did look bad, and Shepard had already resolved to give him part of his supper when they were done.

“So that’s why you’ve been avoiding training?”

“Sorta…” Kaidan looked away.

“Hm. Okay, how do we get started here?”

Kaidan scratched his head.

“That’s the problem. I… other than having you shoot at me… I mean, at BAaT we never sparred with opponents who weren’t biotic. I… I haven’t really used my biotics on a living thing since… since…”

“What’s BAaT?”

Kaidan blanched.

“…Biotics Acclimation and Temperance training.”

“That where they taught you how to use your powers?”

“They tried, yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck and Shepard could tell a migraine was brewing. “I really… I don’t want to do this. And I don’t really know what I’m doing, honestly. Sorry.”

Shepard looked over at the squat rack—at least 2300 kg lifted up in the air like it weighed nothing. Caught with Alenko’s brain. He gulped.

“Well, I guess, just come at me like I was biotic and… I’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out together.”

Kaidan looked up, eyes set and smile determined. He nodded firmly.

“…thanks for training with me, Shepard.”

“Any time. I’m your man.”

[swaps55]

WIP Whenever

Tagged by @theoriginalladya. Thank you!! Tagging @iberiandoctor @wrathoscribbles @boshtet-juggler and @dearophelia, should you be so inclined! 

I am putting on my big-girl pants and going back to the orchard chapter of Cantata, after bouncing around in a Virmire thing for a bit because I psyched myself out on being able to do this.

~

“Going back down there is going to be like looking into a mirror and seeing the wrong person reflected back at me. That’s not someone I care to be reminded of.” Kaidan huffs, lips twisting into a wry smile. “Been a long time since I did a solo mission. Kind of wish you were going with me.”

The gravity well does a somersault. Shepard tilts his head, contemplative look on his face. “Do you want me to?”    

Kaidan looks at him with a start. “Really?”

Shepard shrugs, suddenly fascinated with the tiny Earth outside those windows. “Never seen Earth outside of getting my shit kicked in at the Villa. And it sounds like you could use some backup.”

His stomach flips. “You’d make for one hell of a buffer. You don’t know my mother. She’s a born hostess. Her need to entertain you would outweigh any discourse she has about biotics. She might forget I’m even there.”

“I doubt that,” he says with a chuckle.

“You’d do that. Give up your leave to come home with me.”

“Alternative was heading out to the belt to practice holding my breath in a vac suit.” At Kaidan’s concerned look his expression softens. “I’m not good at downtime. But given I keep telling Aslany she needs a life outside of her job, I should probably practice what I preach or she’ll start thinking I’m full of shit. Think I can suffer some city life in an atmosphere for a few days to keep you out of trouble.”

Keep him out of trouble. Kaidan huffs. But then remembers his parents’ plan.

“I’m not staying in Vancouver,” Kaidan warns. “We’re headed out to the orchard.”

“…Orchard?”

“Yeah. My mom’s family has an orchard in the BC Interior.”

“Earth geography means nothing to me.”

“Fruit trees in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nature. And weather.”

“Okay,” Shepard says, wrinkling his nose. “I can handle that. I think.”

“It’s spring,” Kaidan hurries on, the words tumbling out of him as the thought of Shepard, on Earth, with him, sets his heart racing. “The trees’ll all be in bloom. You can smell everything coming out of hibernation and growing again. Sure, the weather can be a little unpredictable, the bugs start to come out—”

Shepard blanches.

“—but the rhubarb should be in season, maybe the strawberries if we’re lucky. The whole property is just beautiful this time of year. House is big and comfy, nothing like a starship.”  

“You realize that none of what you just said is a selling point, right?”

“My mother’s risotto is better than mine.”

“Now we’re talking.”

Kaidan sobers. “You, ah. Don’t have to do this. I don’t have enough intel to know what I’m getting you into. It’s not fair to drag you into my mess.”

“Seen my fair share of messes, Kaidan. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, Shepard,” he says after a moment.

Shepard’s lopsided smile looses butterflies in his stomach. “I’ll get my stuff. Ping me with the flight info and I’ll meet you at the airlock.”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah. Ok. I will.”

As he turns away, Shepard calls after him. “Hey, Kaidan.”

“Yeah?”

“These sunsets of yours better be all you say they are.”

“They will be.”

Shepard grins.

The sunset has nothing on that smile.

[carinavet]

The Mako

I just finished replaying Mass Effect and I keep thinking about the companions’ reactions to Shepard’s terrible driving, how they all try to keep their lunches down while holding on for dear life. Shepard is either blissfully unaware or having fun freaking them out.

Kaidan: Uh, I think the road’s over there, Commander. Shepard: Shortest distance between two points is a straight line, lieutenant. 

Wrex: *using his hump to lodge himself in place for the joyride* I like your style, Shepard! Heh heh heh!

Garrus: Spirits, Shepard! Do all humans drive like this?! Shepard: Drive like what?

Liara: LookoutlookoutlookoutLOOKOUT! Shepard: Eh, those rockets don’t do much damage. They’ll be in our dust in a minute.

Joker: Oh come on, she can’t be that bad! This is Commander Shepard we’re talking about! You know, first human Spectre, strolls onto any battlefield like she owns it? The amount of control she has, seems like she could just order the Mako to go where she wants. Kaiden: You haven’t seen her drive.

*Shepard walks in and tells Ashley and Tali to gear up and head to the Mako. Ashley visibly blanches.* Shepard: Something wrong, Gunnery Chief? Ashley: No, ma’am. *Shepard leaves” Ashley: You don’t have some kind of built-in barf bag in that suit, do you? Tali: ...Why would I need a barf bag? Ashley: *darkly* You’ll see.

*When discussing the lack of a landing zone on Ilos* Joker: I can do it. Shepard: Joker? Joker: I can do it. Shepard: Gear up and head to the Mako. Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard!  Liara: *weakly, to Navigator Pressley after she leaves* Are you sure there’s nowhere else?

[ghostxofxartemis]

OC meme, 36 and 38 for Axel!

Awwwwww! Thank you so much for asking about my boy! <3 

Asks from this list here!

Since 36 was sort of answered here, I went ahead and picked number 35 from the list instead. I hope that’s okay? I haven’t written much of Axel and gotten to know him very much, yet, to know what doesn’t make it on to page. Prompts are a lovely way to get my boy out from the background. He’s been sitting on the back burner lately (poor guy). He’s the quiet type outside the battlefield so I’m sure I’ll get another kinder surprise with him some day lol. Always have to watch out for the quiet ones... 

35. What attracts your character to another person? What kind of person do they do for?

For Axel it’s personality. Is the person assertive? Yes? That’s a turn on for him. He likes it when his partner takes charge in the bedroom. The leadership role is a difficult one for him. He does it because he has to, not because he wants to. His parents were always Alliance first, and taught him that when a superior officer gives you an order you follow through without question. He gives Kaidan the Carte Blanche to be the superior officer in the bedroom (with exceptions of course. Kaidan would never do anything Axel doesn’t want)  ;) 

Honesty, good communication, passionate, integrity, confidence, self-reliance, these are all qualities he looks in a partner whether they are men, women, non-binary, trans etc. It’s not about what they are on the outside, it’s about how they are in the inside that counts for him. 

38, How does your character unwind after a long day?

During the days while chasing Saren he didn’t really have time to unwind after a long day. Whatever down time he had was time enough for him to get a full meal and get some shut eye before the next mission. But he really enjoyed hitting the bars with Kaidan and Ashley during shore-leave. He’s sometimes have a beer with Kaidan and Ashley in the mess while off-duty to chat a bit. The three of them had grown really close. 

Axel picked up the hobby of building model ships and model vehicles during the time he work with Cerberus. He really enjoyed working on them on his downtime getting a few hours away from everyone and have some alone time was a gift. 

He constantly needs to keep his hands busy, post-war it tends to be Kaidan in his hands a lot when he’s home. If Kaidan is not home, he’ll juggle their dogs toys more often than not which kind of confuses Mako (are you going to through it or not?), or work on the models ships/vehicles Kaidan brings home to him. It takes Axel a while for him to get out of the house post-war, he really did not want to deal with reporters (he really hates them) while still recovering from his injuries. 

He loves taking long walks along the shore lines close to home with their dog Mako (they find a little cute place off the pacific coast to live secluded in). He also started hiking a lot with Mako when his injuries healed. Taking a few years off work after the reaper war. He’s not sure what he wants to do once he goes back to work, but he doesn’t see himself outside the Alliance, most likely he’ll help out with the ICT program. 

He picks up reading a bit more post-war since he has more downtime. Horror, sci-fi, dystopia books is usually what he tends to look for. 

Thank you for asking! 

[designinthemoodforlife]

Se rapprochant davantage d'un mouvement informel que d'une institution académique, l'École d'observation de la rue est une école artistique et scientifique, fondée à Tokyo en 1986 autour de deux figures principales : l'écrivain Akasegawa Genpei 赤瀬川原平 (1937-2014) et l'historien de l'architecture Fujimori Terunobu 藤森照信 (né en 1946). Ses membres s'intéressent aux multiples aspects déviants, éphémères ou absurdes, de l'espace urbain, ses anomalies de construction comme ses juxtapositions accidentelles, issues par exemple des multiples restructurations successives. Leur méthode : la déambulation, voire l'errance, la promenade au hasard dans la ville. Leurs outils : des carnets de notes et de croquis, des appareils photographiques. Leur but : trouver, photographier, nommer. Leur cible privilégiée : les zure ずれ, c'est-à-dire les déviances ou les décalages qui parsèment la ville et auxquels on prête généralement peu d'attention : une porte qui s'ouvre sur le vide au dernier étage d'un immeuble, des devantures et des vitrines condamnées mais qui ont conservé leur rideau de fer ne s'ouvrant plus désormais que sur un mur, des balcons désaffectés dont ne reste que l'armature métallique et que plus personne ne peut utiliser, des marches qui s'arrêtent dans une palissade ou un grillage, des escaliers qui ne mènent nulle part. La première et sans doute la plus célèbre de ces trouvailles est un escalier de Yotsuya qui, dès 1972, avait attiré l'attention d'Akasegawa. Composé d'une double rangée de six marches et d'un palier central, il a gardé sa rampe mais, sans doute suite à une rénovation de l'édifice, l'entrée où il menait a disparu, le laissant accolé au mur de l'immeuble, sous les fenêtres, dans une splendide solitude. C'est un junsui kaidan 純粋階段, un pur escalier, qui monte et qui descend, en toute gratuité... un escalier pour l'escalier ou un escalier pour rien. Dans leur approche résolument empirique et pragmatique, approche d'explorateur et de détective autant que d'historien et d'architecte (Fujimori parle de Kenchiku tanteidan 建築探偵団, un groupe de détectives de l'architecture), les adeptes de la Rojōkansatsugaku 路上観察学 (Science de l'observation des rues) font appel à qui le veut pour localiser tous ces ephemera et marginalia de la ville, dans une forme de collectivisme qui rappelle qu'avant de fonder la Rojō 路上, Akasegawa s'était illustré dans plusieurs mouvements d'avant-garde d'inspiration néo-dada et marxiste. Pour lui, ces éléments du tissu urbain s'apparentent à de l'art, par défaut ou par excès. Soudain, une partie de la ville dévie de son usage habituel, de sa destination première ou de sa fonction supposée : ce déphasage sort les éléments architecturaux du gigantesque puzzle urbain de leurs cadres originels et les fait entrer dans une autre dimension, qu'il nomme chōgeijutsu 超芸術 : l'Hyper-Art. Akasegawa trouvera aussi à ces phénomènes une appellation qui connaîtra une grande fortune : les Tomason トマソン. Ce nom vient de l'excellent joueur de base-ball américain Gary Thomasson (né en 1951), recruté en 1981 par la célèbre équipe de Tokyo, les Yomiuri Giants, à l'occasion du plus gros contrat jamais signé par une star de base-ball à l'époque. Après une saison blanche où il ne marque pas un seul point, Thomasson est licencié en 1982 et, dans la foulée, termine sa carrière sur une blessure au genou. Comme le fameux joueur de base-ball, paré de toutes les qualités mais qui se révèle complètement inutile, les Tomason sont des éléments architecturaux dont la forme excède la fonction : ils ont tout ce qu'il faut pour servir mais il ne servent à rien. Quelque originale, incongrue ou même saugrenue qu'elle puisse paraître, la démarche des    « observationnistes » s'inscrit à la fois dans les innovations théoriques internationales de leur temps et dans une certaine tradition japonaise. On citera notamment l'influence probable de Bernard Rudofsky (1905-1988), qui était intervenu à l'Université Waseda au début des années 1960, pour son esprit sarcastique, son attention aux détails de la vie quotidienne et son idée d'une « architecture sans architectes » ou « sans pedigree » (Architecture Without Architects: A Short Introduction to Non-pedigreed Architecture, New York, Doubleday, 1964). Leur nomadisme urbain n'est pas non plus sans évoquer Guy Debord et les situationnistes, pour qui la ville était un terrain de lutte et d'expérimentation : même si le but de la Rojō n'est pas de structurer l'espace urbain comme le lieu d’une réinvention radicale de la vie quotidienne (la ville est davantage pour eux un lieu d'observation qu'un théâtre d'opérations), il y a dans leurs tentatives respectives une portée critique de l'urbanisme contemporain qui peut en effet les rapprocher. Mais l'influence la plus profonde, et d'ailleurs revendiquée ouvertement par Fujimori, est celle de l'architecte Kon Wajirō 今 和次郎 (1888–1973) qui, dans les années 1920, avait proposé une ethnographie urbaine très documentée des paysages de Tokyo, et forgé avec Yoshida Kenkichi 吉田 謙吉 (1897-1982) le terme de kōgengaku 考現学, pour désigner l'étude des phénomènes sociaux modernes ou « Modernologie » [1]. L'important travail de collecte, de documentation et de photographie des observationnistes est, en effet, contemporain du formidable redéploiement du Tokyo d'après-guerre, des Jeux Olympiques de 1964 à la bulle économique et immobilière des années 1980 : il porte à la fois sur ses vestiges (travail de mémoire qui interroge les notions de survivance, de reste, de trace, comme le montre leur fascination pour les mijimeten 惨め店, ces échoppes fossiles et autres boutiques misérables réchappées de la modernisation de Tokyo), mais aussi sur les scories de cette reconstruction effrénée, tous les restes inutiles ou absurdes abandonnés dans l'énorme développement de la mégalopole. Le travail de l'École revient alors à montrer tout ce qui subsiste d'erratique et de désordonné, de confus et de chaotique dans la croissance urbaine, aux antipodes de la propagande de l'époque, celle du gouvernement métropolitain du Gouverneur Suzuki Shinichi 鈴木俊一 par exemple (1910-2010, gouverneur de 1979 à 1995), qui prônait la « Tokyo Renaissance » et décrivait cette croissance uniquement en termes de développement harmonieux et bénéfique pour tous. Sous des dehors modestes (observer, enregistrer, décrire) et en utilisant souvent l'arme de l'humour, la Rojōkansatsugakkai met l'accent sur la vulnérabilité, l'absurdité, les espaces sans valeur et les endroits négligés de la ville, et propose ainsi une réflexion ample, profonde et incisive sur les phénomènes d'urbanisation en général et la modernisation de Tokyo en particulier. La Rojō n'a jamais reposé sur un esprit de système, mais bien plutôt sur des explorations de groupe et des découvertes individuelles. Elle n'a jamais eu non plus de véritable structure : ni lieu fixe, ni liste de membres, ni cotisation ou droit d'entrée, ni organe de diffusion. Elle n'en inspire pas moins jusqu'aujourd'hui de nombreuses représentations et pratiques contemporaines. L'un des ses créateurs, Fujimori Terunobu, est devenu professeur d'architecture à l'Université de Tokyo, avant de se voir confier le Pavillon japonais de la Biennale de Venise en 2006. D'importants groupes d'architectes sont tributaires de ses trouvailles, comme l'Atelier Bow-Wow アトリエ・ワン et sa Pet Architecture ペット・アーキテクチャー[2]. Quant à la notion de Thomasson, elle remporte aujourd'hui un succès international, même si elle a tendance à se diluer, notamment via des sites internet qui en traquent des exemplaires - ou des approximations - dans le monde entier. De ce point de vue, on peut dire que la Rojō a constitué la matrice de nombreuses expérimentations, aussi bien populaires que scientifiques, ainsi que d'une grande créativité conceptuelle et artistique qui lui donnent une place singulière, à la fois centrale et décalée, dans les réflexions sur la spatialité japonaise.