aliiife

[aliiife]

I never thought that I’d see 33, even if I did I’d never imagine it would be what’s in front of me. I’m closer to the end or maybe in between? How long does it take to live a life? What’s the proper way to find your drive? How do I give it my all when it takes everything I got to get outa bed?

[aliiife]

Son of the moon king of the sun, come to terms with my hatred introduce it to my love maybe then I’ll become one

[aliiife]

Aches and pains is the name of the game coming to terms im getting to an old age. 33 hit me like a sock full of quarters. I feel pins and needles, but my mind feels in order. the more pain bestowed on me the clearer my mind can see. A life with no purpose still holds a purpose. The days you spend miserable are still worth it. The bad thoughts fade away when the earth shifts. The sun still shines on your skin when the clouds fade, the wind still calms your nerves it’s the earth speaking in kind words do you listen to her songs? The leaves dancing on the sidewalk as you stroll along.

[aliiife]

A poem a day keeps the monsters at bay

[aliiife]

How can I be omnipresent when I’m drowning in depression, no longer looking forward I’m focused on reflections, or better yet reflecting, what would have life been if I wasn’t always stressing? That’s past my realm of comprehension, this pain is all I know, this sadness is my home, inside the void I hold the throne I’m at my best when I’m alone.

[aliiife]

“Yin yang, male and female, strong and weak, rigid and tender, heaven and earth, light and darkness, thunder and lightning, cold and warmth, good and evil...the interplay of opposite principles constitutes the universe.” ― Confucius

Artist • Tianhua Xu

[aliiife]

It takes me so long to find a spark in my mind.

The sec I open up my phone the fires all gone only embers remain

no imagination cheers to the algorithm yeah congratulations trapped inside the matrix

locked inside of cages that resemble screens sittin in my mezzanine contemplating anything emptiness is heavenly

sensory deprivation mass hallucinations while I’m on the PlayStation life’s a video game ain’t it?

Pass the sticks

[aliiife]

It’s Sunday I’m lost I can’t control my train of thoughts derailed em all for the breath of fall too much memes & conversations with myself they crash into the wall that I thought was a tunnel the collections erupted & scattered all over my insides I painted with my eyes the colors don’t find lines they do what my mind does best scramble everything & leave it an unfinished mess

[aliiife]

It’s been a minute since I wrote in this.

A lot of things going thru my head wish I could just hold it in.

I feel like exploding it.

Or maybe take control of it.

Am I now what a poet is?

Have I endured enough heart ache?

I still haven’t lost faith,

the darkness it calms me.

some days I feel okay.

others I feel like a bomb made a hole where my heart lays

the emptiness calls me

Its presence is daunting

It’s killing my softly

I’m sipping my coffee

Hopefully it’ll stop these thoughts that keep floating around me

[aliiife]

Depression sets in.

I can’t believe I’m stressing again.

My mantras broken.

They are no longer working for me.

I lost my purpose.

I feel like I am stranded at sea.

I make no sense now I dream about the things that I be.

I mean who I used to be. 

No longer part of that person.

I guess a shell of me, is all that exists now.

Inside the moment in time, inside this vacuum of space.

I’m slowly drifting away, slowly drifting away……..

[aliiife]

I envy the earth for it gets to enjoy you for all eternity.

while I’m plagued here in human form experiencing pain & agony.

Half of me is gone, it’s the part of me that sees. But There’s still beauty left inside my eyes.

They still glisten bright & dream. because everything i see with them theres a glimmer of you in things .

The best friend I could have ever asked for.

The right side of me.

You were my Batman. now I’m Robin without Bruce Wayne to help guide him thru everything.

[aliiife]

I’m in a bad mood.

I’m tryna see it thru.

I’m sick of all these problems piling up on me too.

I’m worried bout my bills.

No longer going out.

It’s like the worlds against me trying to hold me down.

I feel the pressure I’m laying at the bottom of a trench.

c'est la putain de merde!

Pardon my French.

the curtains been lifted no longer pretend.

I’ve been harvesting energy deep down within but,

I feel it depleting beginning descend.

I’ve been lost in the moment meditating again. Close my eyes then I focus on leaves & the wind.

All my chakras aligning I’m charging again.

[aliiife]

A letter to me.

Today I fell in love with you. At least I think I did and maybe it’s just my mind playing tricks on me again. I don’t remember the last time I gave someone time. I’m usually on my own tunnel vision, almost feeling blind. I’ve grown, so scared to open up my heart I don’t want to be hurt I don’t want to restart I’m scared to give into the unknown. before that’s all I’d look for. the past relations leave me scarred. I’m scared to ever open my heart because there’s not much left inside of it and what’s left ain’t what it used to be. At times I sit down and try to remember me, but I can’t. I feel lost in all these memories. It’s all intertwined always pulling me back. I need to learn to let go and leave my past in the past. It’s hard for me to say goodbye to the life I used to know, because those reassuring memories help me feel at home. the last time I ever felt love from someone outside of me was the last time I laid eyes on you. now your only memories. You only exist inside my dreams. I don’t wanna carry this burden anymore. I need to finally set you free. Start a new chapter in my life instead of re-reading the one that we made. but this dyslexia doesn’t help. And I’m scared of writing by myself. I’m not asking for no help. I’m just explaining how I felt last day I spoke to you the child inside of me hid away. So I can hardly hear his voice these days. If I could talk to him I wouldn’t know what to say. I know he’s lost all alone inside of me in the darkest caverns of my mind. I think it’s time I go on a journey & find that little guy. I really owe him an apology hold him close and let him cry on me. Tell em, “Don’t you worry kid ill hold you tight & tough it out endure the pain, embrace the fright. I know Everything won’t always be alright. because in life sometimes it really sucks. it pushes you down so deep that you feel like you can’t get up but even on your worst days when you feel defeated, I’ll be right there with you. I’ll be the dad you needed.” To be that Ray of Hope. That first Breeze of fall.  The first orange leaves, that warm feeling inside that brings you to your knees to let you know you’re fine and everything is smooth. I’m sorry I left so long kid but now I’m back for good.

[aliiife]

Last night I had a dream about you, it felt so real, I could almost smell the scent of you too. I said to you “The last time we spoke I ended the call in tears, and anger filled my thoughts too. “ My heart ached for years & I couldn’t stop thinking of you. You just looked & said “ yeah I know I’ve missed you too” I replied with “how has life been treating you? Do you still love the moon, do you still see a full one & think of me too?” But you just said “I’ve missed you too.”

Last night I had a dream about you.

[aliiife]

My heart melts into my chest like the crayons you left out in the sun.

My body feels heavy when did I stop having fun?

I can’t even break a smile, where my emotions? I feel none.

Empty space in a crowded room.

Nothing but the feeling of impeding doom. My heads spinning what’s should I do?

I just wanted to find my way back to you.

I just wanted to find my way back to.

Y O U.

[aliiife]

Momento morí,

Death dance wit my shorty.

Can we just hold hands till

the whole world explodes?

No longer wasting,

Time on embracing,

All of these things that

I cannot control.

[aliiife]

If it isn’t my way,

I want nothing at all.

Got my hands full of blood

from embracing the fall.

Pick the rocks out my wounds,

Punch my hands thru the walls.

The energy exerting out is all

Negative dawg.