#Kabuto headcanon

[thottyimagines]

Who in Naruto are clap back queens? Like who says the craziest insults and who just stays silent

Clap back queens:

Neji, who delivers reads mercilessly and without prompting no matter who is there to witness it.

Ino can read your mind and knows exactly what to say to make you suffer.

Tobirama spends time practicing arguments with all of his enemies in his head, so he always has something foul to say.

Shikamaru, when angered properly, has a rolodex of hurtful information about his target to pull from and is delighted to do so.

Sasuke says things so out of pocket, he doesn't even know what's going to come out of his mouth next.

Kakuzu is just straight up mean and willing to unleash it on anyone.

Kurenai's favored pastime is psychological warfare.

Orochimaru can send someone to the psych ward with words alone, you know.

Silent sufferers:

Hinata, but her teammates will take vengeance.

Sakura stews and seethes and thinks about all the cool things she could have said well after an altercation happens.

Kakashi can't be bothered to clap back for the most part, but good god, he has the ability to be both mean and insightful ifs he wanted to be.

Hidan splutters wildly when insulted, but doesn't often come up with something particularly clever or cutting.

Gai lets insults and digs fly right over his head as a defense mechanism, so he doesn't have to bother.

Kabuto has gotten pretty used to letting Sasuke's horrible words roll off of him like water off a duck's back.

[spacealligator]

Sannin students success analysis

Tsunade:

Shizune: awesome doctor, often forgotten, kept Tsunade alive for years despite loan sharks going after her as she tried to drink herself to death, assistent to the 5th and 6th Hokages, still alive by the end of the series -> 8/10 because I'm mad she doesn't get any recognition

Sakura: heir of Tsunade's legacy, protagonist's friend, plot armor, did good in the war, got what she wanted and married childhood crush, still alive -> 8/10 because we all know Sakura could be better

Success rate: 100% as in all her students are still alive, but the final rate is 80% because of the patriarchy

Orochimaru:

Anko: cool premise, forgotten character, became a joke in Boruto because she put on weight and apparently that's something to laugh at, but at least she still alive? -> 4/10 I miss cool Anko

Kabuto: the type we love to hate, important to the war because he did a lot of stupid shit, full snake sage, had a cool fight with Itachi and Sasuke giving them some Bonding Time, and is still alive -> 9/10 with 1 point deduction because his motives as a villain during the war don't make sense and he's reformed phase, like Orochimaru's, makes no sense

Sasuke: Naruto's boyfriend -> 10/10 successful student with good plot armor

Success rate: 100% of all students are still alive, 10% deduction because I'm still mad at Anko's (lack of) storyline and 10% deduction because of all the trauma inflicted, making expenses on shrinks for Konoha skyrocket, 80% final score

Jiraiya:

Konan: cool paper jutsu that nobody explains and we just accept it, patience to make 600 billions origami paper bombs, sunhine protector, dead by the end of the anime, very cool fight with Obito and makes him use Izanagi -> 5/10 she still lost though

Yahiko: sunshine smile, mirrors Naruto, super chill, could've been the Kage of Rain Country based on charisma alone, dead by offing himself to save his friends -> 2/10, his body made for a cool Pain though

Nagato: spoke one of Naruto's most recognizable quote, one of the most remembered fights in the anime, made Naruto use 8 tail plus giant toads, two rinnegan, sunshine protector, dead by the end of the anime -> 7/10 one point reduction because he fell for Naruto's blah blah blah no jutsu

Minato: 4th Hokage, father of the protagonist, once killed 1000 shinobi in one go, Kushina's husband, dead before the anime even started -> 6/10 because if you're dead you're not exactely successful

Naruto: the anime is called Naruto -> 11/10 successful student even with dead sensei (RIP Jiraiya)

Success rate: 20% of his students are still alive, 20% bonus because 2 of his stundents became Kage, 10% bonus because Pain is so iconic, 300% bonus because of protagonist plot armor, 350% final score

Source for ratings: voices inside my head

[epefanio]

I have a nervous habit of chewing/biting on something when I’m stressed normally my lip or glasses meaning one of the temples on my glasses is very chewed up compared to the other side which I don’t chew

Kabuto has a similar nervous habit of chewing/biting things (at least in the manga) and since he is my biggest kin I’m going to project onto him and say one side of his glasses is also just chewed up

[canonsinthehead]

Naruto Modern AU/Hollywood pt.5 - Evolution of Tecnologies & The Strongest Podcast

Since the industrialization of most large cities, new technologies, wireless devices, diversity of media, and better Internet connection have opened the flow gate for diverse opportunities and career paths online.

Streaming took over since techno scientists rushed the installation and promotion of such interfaces, after getting a glimpse of the promised profit along with funding from the rich families (Hyuuga and Senju) to do so. Video streaming and online media grew overnight across large and small nations as it is a new ineffective way of communication. Ideas can be shared and reach an unlimited audience to support your work. This new way of doing work proved itself to be helpful, as it reduced unnecessary paperwork for the Hokage.

In these times, an individual named Mizuki grew in popularity for strange reasons. A nobody like him released a series of videos, raging and insulting an elementary school teacher, Iruka Umino who was trying to teach his audience phonetics and how to improve reading skills. Out of nowhere, he called this man everything but a child of God. Red in the face, relentlessly huffing and puffing.

His rants gained a lot of attention because of their absurdity. This deranged weirdo made bold and outrageous claims about the teacher. His audience was perplexed (and low-key entertained) since Iruka was the least problematic person on the Internet. Efforts to shut down Mizuki made him angrier as he noticed people either clowned him or defended Iruka.

It went for the worst when Mizuki started doxing him and his students leading to the teacher unfairly losing his job. The turn of events took everyone by surprise, but in all humbleness, Iruka made an apology video taking the blame for the situation and the inconvenience it caused his students and their families. He likely touched on his past and how him and Mizuki were friends (they were dating, but he did not say that) before leaving social media to Mizuki’s enjoyment.

Months passed, and net-citizens searched to the end of the Earth for their favorite sweet Professor but couldn’t find him. They could not predict that the next time they would see him would be on TV…

Well, in the height of the crazy debacle with Mizuki, the lawyer turned A list actor Kakashi Hatake watched the whole scandal go down. He was practicing and training for his next movie: Speed Hour. An action comedy with fellow fitness influencer, celebrity trainer, and part-time actor: Might Guy.

The movie involved speaking a foreign language, which was not Kakashi’s best asset. His manager has been harassing him to improve his pronunciation because of that damn mask he wears 24/7. Let’s knock out two birds with one stone, so he reached out to Iruka after he heard the teacher lost his job to then hire him as a speech specialist and help him prepare for his role.

Iruka was hesitant at first but accepted. Due to the movie's success, he became a celebrity speech specialist. Kakashi was a long-time watcher of Iruka’s former video channel. He found his videos, relaxing (and thinks the nice teacher is super cute). Iruka can now be seen on the red carpets of special events and is dating Kakashi. What an upgrade!

When Mizuki found out his attempts at sabotaging the former teacher failed, he had a mental breakdown during one of his live streams.

He vanished from the Internet to let the dust settle but came back with “The Strongest Podcast” where he discusses subjects important to men. Don’t hope too much because it is just questionable conspiracy theories, red pill narratives, and “exposing celebrities” content with his unhinge antics. He has not changed at all.

Matter of fact, he had made a tradition with his cohosts to call everyone and their mama gay. He has been on Iruka since his newfound popularity. Mizuki spilled every single intimate detail of their past relationship not realizing he was exposing his orientation and abusive antics (I made him blow me when I was driving & the cheeks are clapping). Don’t call him out, Mizuki would foam at the mouth if you call him gay. (I’m a strong, alpha male! I don’t do that gay shit!). One day, Anko (invited as a guest) called him out for just being a bitter, scorned ex missing his narcissistic supply and how he would still hit it if he could (She was right) but got dragged out of this studio by force.

Mizuki has a larger following than most people would like to admit. He has a really supportive fan base who 1000% agree with him and go to the front lines to defend him. A lot of people (supporters and hate watchers) tune in for his conspiracy theories, and when he exposes celebrities along with another random dude named Kabuto. They claim to have exclusive sources and hidden information in the deepest pit of the dark web. 95% of anyone coming across their content laugh it off as insanely far-fetched and move on with their lives. Many theories, claim to be real have their audience in a chokehold:

               •             The Uchihas are devil worshippers

               •             They leaked Sasuke’s real surname and aristocratic affiliations, rushing the disbandment of Taka

               •             Demeaning and toxic ideologies against other nations disguised as scientific facts

               •             Red pill content

We give them less credit than they deserve because they are still two deranged grey men who make such unhinged statements that it overshadow any “ truth” they put out there like:

               •             Calling anyone and everyone gay (with “proof”)

               •             The Earth is shaped like a cube

               •             Konoha’s president, Minato Namikaze is in fact, a woman.

               •             All men from Kiri have 10+ inches dicks

               •             Claiming to be the perfect example of masculinity and handsome looks

The recent trick up their sleeves is swearing on God, the famous actor Itachi Uchiha is homosexual. They came up with the most outlandish, mind-boggling proofs to support their bogus claims

Most of their accusations were ignored by the general public and still are till this day. The minute they threatened to release hotel security footage, revealing the identity of the basketball player the actor was allegedly entangled with, Itachi’s PR team came through the back door (literally) and shushed the duo for good. They vanished overnight, without a trace. The supporters of the channel are still trying to give Justice to Mizuki by keeping remnants of his account alive as much as possible (This is an attack on freedom of speech!) but are struggling since the claims made barely scratched the actor's public image.

The most ironic thing about all of this is that Itachi’s sex tapes could be leaked tomorrow and not affect his career or the public opinion of him AT ALL. Weirdly, he could walk out of this level of controversy untouched and brand deals intact. People would just blink twice and keep it pushing like nothing happened.

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[sc3n3-b1tch]

I haven’t done orokabu HCs in a while 😢 so here are some!

When they both got married orochimaru wanted kabuto to not call him lord since kabuto is now his level, since there married(oro just wanted to be called baby or something WHO SAID DAT)

Orochimaru is very protective over kabuto. Orochi will follow kabuto to the bathroom at night so nothing gets him (he’s clingy)

Every Holiday their dirty talk is based on what time/month is the holidays in. Like for example Christmas will probably be something like “your on my naughty list” or “I got something to put in your stocking”��

Kabuto is the type to wear the cutest girly pajamas ever and orochimaru is the slutty pajamas, lingerie type person 

[salixcustodia]

I CAME TO A PAINFUL CONCLUSION

You know about this "hair holds memories" trope?? Kabuto in his fight with Itachi has the same hair lenght as when he killed Nonou.

It sounded smarter in my head, but hey, he kinda lost his identity again like??? When Nonou died he had an identity crisis, now he had another while fighting Itachi??

I'm sorry, I just had to write this down somewhere to make it make sense nshsjsjsk

[sassykinzonline]

yes, i did actually just receive a leaf blower i did not order

[pokefossilclub]

A question about Fossil types: Are the kabuto line actively a good pokemon to take with you in the ocean on jobs, or are they not quite trainable?

*taps finger* Say one likes to swim and dive, would it be ok to take one to a reef? Or would it be disastrous regardless of it training?

Oh, Kabuto can be excellent little swimming friends!

They're not exactly going to be the same sort of diving buddy as, say, a Buizel or a Marill, of course. They're not as actively playful, they don't tend to stick right by you, and if you're talking work they can't be trained to do particularly dextrous tasks as they, you know, entirely lack hands or even paws! But it certainly wouldn't be a disaster, provided you have a good bond with your Kabuto for training, or it has been specifically trained as a helper Pokemon that works with many people- as they can be! They're quite simple little beasts, but they're not stupid. I know they've been very successfully used in various places to crawl through pipes and check for damage or blockages, for example! And I could definitely see a similar skillset being useful on a reef, where there's lots of little nooks and crannies a human-sized person can't get into! They're very sensitive to water quality, as well, and I'm sure you can see how that would be handy!

Be sure to train them to know what they can and can't eat, though. They're rather indiscriminate little grazers and you don't want them hoovering up something they shouldn't! You should also, of course, work on being able to call them back if you can't reach them with their Pokeball, because if they find a lovely hole and decide to take a nap it can be rather hard to see where they are!

If you're in a region where it's legal to train your own 'mons as Ride Pokemon, by the way, do be aware that they can't learn Dive-the-move as used with a trainer on board; their little bouyancy systems can't handle the extra weight!

[everyday-pokemon-headcanons]

Hoenn's natural history museum has a complete Kabutops fossil. More interesting to paleontologists, the fossil was found near a den containing many near-complete remains of young Kabuto, giving solid evidence of paternal care from these primitive Pokémon.

[nerdpokemonheadcanons]

The reason you can’t see under Kabuto’s shell is because their bodies are actually pitch black

[thottyimagines]

There is nothing that brings me more joy in this world than Sasuke being an incredibly socially awkward dweeb. He has a pretty face but he uses it to mask how much he cannot be normal. I am requesting more Sasuke being a Massive Dork headcanons-- as cringe as possible if you could ♡

Sasuke had no idea what to do about his terrible acne once puberty hit. No one was there to tell him that he needed to drink water and wash his face and get his greasy bangs off of his forehead. So he just kept trying to make smaller and smaller controlled fireballs to sizzle his zits away. Kabuto had to heal a lot of burnt skin.

He was told by Orochimaru once that if he keeps mouth breathing all the time he'll develop a double chin no matter how lean he is, so Sasuke became hyper-aware of how he was breathing and never really outgrew it.

Sasuke never apologized, not once, to anyone for the crimes and assaults he committed against them. He doesn't even realize many of them expected one.

Sometimes he is made to feel guilty for never remembering anyone's birthdays, so he's started to pretend that he doesn't even remember his own birthday in order to commit to some massive lie about birthdates in particular just escaping him and his prodigious memory.

He loathes receiving letters because then he feels pressured to reply and he, uh, isn't all that great at reading and writing.

Kind of metal, not dorky, but he refuses to pay taxes.

[thebloodredraven]

naruto characters i (a neurodivergent person) think are neurodivergent coded, including but not limited to:

naruto, shikamaru, itachi, gaara, shino, hinata, rock lee, deidara, might guy, kabuto, jugo

note: neurodivergence can look like many things and don't have to be stereotypically autistic, adhd, or add. let's keep it classy if there are any comments to this post.

[epefanio]

These two would have the WORST beef you don’t even KNOW…I mean if they…if they actually met in the sound…before Zaku died…and um…uh…KISHIMOTO WHEN I GET YOU-

[hypersomniaaboutsleeping]

Headcanon: Kabuto has a photo of Orochimaru under his pillow "purely for scientific purposes".

Or just make Kabuto a girl and it will be almost a canon couple-

[sc3n3-b1tch]

So we all know that in the Lillian verse of Naruto things are different. I mean orochimaru got sasukes body and the sound 5 are alive same with team dosu. So yeah here are some HCs about the characters in it.

Orochimaru is one hell of a sassy dad he will walk around with a silk robe and glass of wine and be cunty as fuck but love fatherhood

Kabuto is like a damn house wife but worse. He probably watches the Kardashians or some crap like that with an apron on and I spatula in one hand. That bitch is a sub but a damn good papa to Lillian🥰

Kidomaru is probably a old lady lover. Not like that he would date a woman who is in her 80s and he probably has playboys.

Jirobo is like a gentle giant but tried of everyone shit.

Tayuya is still a bitch but cool if you don’t fuck with her.

Sakon/ukon are fucking shit heads but with Lillian….you know he will tape her to wall.

Kimimaro is very protective over Lillian for her being orochimaru and kabuto’s daughter he definitely will put his life on the line for her but definitely a sweet man.

Kin will tell the truth on if your man is a red flag, also being Lillian’s sister figure or some shit female role model because I know damn sure tayuya would probably not want to do anything with Lillian…..I take that back though both of those girls would have Lillian’s back.

Dosu has the same highest as Lillian when she is 12-13 probably

Zaku has big dick energy when he has nothing big about him.

For bonus points If she was alive Nono yakushi would probably flask of alcohol on her and drink wine with orochimaru and gossip as orochimaru pulls out baby pics of Lilian 

[autisticheadcanonsdaily]

Kabuto Yakushi from Naruto is autistic, submitted by anon!