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hutchhitched · 4 years ago

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The Vintage Joshifer Series: End of Love—Chapter 20

End of Love by hutchhitched

Hey, all! For those of you still interested in this story and/or Joshifer, I’ve finally finished it! This is the penultimate chapter. Chapter 21 will post next Tuesday. It’s already written, so no delay this time. I am beyond grateful my muse chose to grace during the month of July, and I’m equally thrilled to put this story to rest after next week. Even though the events in this chapter took place a little over five decades ago, current unrest in New York, Oregon, and a number of other places are reminiscent of the struggles of those years ago. It’s disheartening, but this story has always been a little too close to current events. I know I’ve said this often, but the fight’s not over.

Historical events in this chapter include the following:

The Stonewall Riots began on June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, a well-known gay bar, in Greenwich Village in New York City. Gay patrons, tired of frequent police mistreatment and brutality, fought back when police raided the bar. The struggle evolved into a six day civil rights protest and ushered in what is known as “gay pride.” The words of Jennifer’s news report comes from an article in the New York Times on June 28, 1970. I took some artistic license by including it a year prior in the story.

WNBC is the local NBC affiliate for New York City. It gained its call letters in 1960.

There was a massive presence of African American trans activists involved in the Stonewall Riots. I don’t include that in Josh’s experience because I wanted to keep him close to his friend’s character in the story, but intersectionality studies have done a wonderful job at providing a better look at the true historical picture of Stonewall.

The Stonewall Inn is still a working bar in New York City. I was able to visit in the days following the legalization of gay marriage in the United States in June 2015.

Last but not least, the Woodstock Music Festival took place in August 1969 near Bethel, New York. It was a three day music festival that was the pinnacle of the counterculture movement in the United States.

New York City, New York, June 1969

“Where’s your friend’s place?” Connor asked as he and Josh exited the subway and onto Seventh Avenue. “I’m ready to put this bag down and get to the bar.”

Josh grinned at his younger brother as they hoofed it south to Andre’s apartment. It had been much too long since Josh had experienced all the city had to offer, and he was looking forward to trying to forget his broken heart in booze and weed and meaningless sex. As if any of that actually dulled the pain he felt every time he thought about Jennifer. Which was every second of every single day.

“Quit being so impatient. We’ve got nothing else to do besides party for days. Happy graduation, bro,” he said with a clap on Connor’s shoulder. “And we’re here.”

Andre buzzed them up, and Josh tried to hide his happiness at being reunited with his friend. They hadn’t seen each other since the concert in New Haven before… Before he went back to Chicago and fell into domestic bliss with Jennifer and lost himself in the process. If he could figure out how to go back and do it over, he would, but the fact was that he wasn’t a good boyfriend. Monogamy wasn’t his thing, and nothing about the months he’d spent in the Midwest made him think he could balance his personal life with activism. He wasn’t good at splitting his attention between two things, especially when one was a leggy blonde whose pussy made him want to worship between her legs for days. Besides that, he was in love with her, and it scared the shit out of him.

“Good to see you, man,” Andre huffed through their hug. “I need a catch up on everything since we last talked. Been out in Cali with your bro, huh?”

“Yeah, Andre you remember Connor. Connor, Andre. Out at Stanford with him. Just trying to find my way back.”

“Back to what?”

“Let’s smoke a bowl first. Then I’ll tell you. It’s too much right now.”

An hour later, the three were sprawled across the living room as smoke hung heavy in the air. Josh felt his bones dissolve and his head float into a happy space, one where he wasn’t a fuck up or a failure. Instead, he was that idealistic kid from Kentucky who genuinely believed he could change the world, shape it into something that was just for everyone, including Andre and his own brother, who’d come out since Josh joined him in Stanford. He hadn’t wasted 1968 in bed with Jenn. He hadn’t failed to help change the minds of those who looked down on others as inferior.

“I went to Chicago. You know that,” he spoke into the haze swirling above his head. “I found her. She was beautiful. Is beautiful, and she’s so talented. So much more herself than she was at Berkeley. I’m so proud of her. She’s a reporter on the local NBC station. Reported on the DNC protests and made a name for herself, but me… Things didn’t go so well for me. Chicago chewed me up and spit me out and ruined me. She ruined me. Except she didn’t. She saved me. I lost myself, and I was dragging her down with me. I couldn’t do that to her. I had to leave, to give her space to really shine, and to figure out how the fuck to find myself again because I’m so lost. I don’t know how to fight anymore. How to stand up for what’s right when I know I’m not doing that for her. I don’t deserve her, man. I don’t, and I couldn’t drag her down anymore. So, I left. I wrote a note, and I ran. Haven’t talked to her since.”

His voice trailed into silence, but the music continued to pulse. Andre nodded, clearly working through the information, and Connor closed his eyes and rolled his head from side to side. Nothing Josh had said made him feel any better. All he’d done was be honest about his actions. He wasn’t looking for approval, and he wasn’t looking for advice. The best thing he could do was leave her alone to succeed and thrive on her own.

He told himself that later that night when he picked up a woman in the bar and fucked her in the bathroom. He repeated that mantra when his brother decided to return to California and leave him in New York to find a job. He insisted he was being honest with himself when he switched on the local news and realized Jen had transferred to New York. And then he reiterated it when he agreed to join Andre for drinks at the Stonewall Inn.

****

Josh swept his dark hair out of his eyes and pulled it back into a ponytail. He chuckled at the thought of what his dad would say if he saw his elder son’s hairstyle. Chris had always been loving and supportive outside of his frustration over his injury, but that didn’t mean he thought men should wear long hair. It was shaggier than Josh was used to. At some point, he needed a haircut, but he couldn’t seem to justify paying for something so mundane when there were a million other things that were more important. He was itching for a cause to support in a meaningful way, and it felt like something was coming.

The air itself was heavy. New York City in the summer was often full of heat and humidity and that day was no different. The temperatures hung in the mid-90s well into the later afternoon as he made his way south through Greenwich Village toward the gay bar Andre frequented.

It felt good to be in the city. Even though he’d never lived there, it felt right somehow to be in the cradle of counterculture, even if he’d gotten a little too comfortable with the status quo during his months in Chicago.

Seven months since he’d seen her in person. He still couldn’t think about what she’d felt when she found his note, how she’d crumbled when she realized he wasn’t coming back. He knew she’d been waiting for it. Despite his irresponsible actions and inability to commit, he understood Jen better than he did himself. She’d known he was going to run, had been preparing for it the entire time they’d spent together, and he’d proven her right.

Being without her was terrible for him, but it was everything she deserved. She was too good for him, always had been. Even when she was spoiled and selfish, she’d had class and an innate kindness that he’d never be able to emulate. Josh strolled the last short distance with a wry grin gracing his face. He allowed himself the length of the block to beat himself up, and then he plastered on a smile and waltzed through the door of the Stonewall Inn.

The bar was dark with bulky furniture and a long row of stools framing the shiny wooden counter. Bartenders pulled beer and mixed drinks quickly and served them with flirtatious smirks that elicited copious tips. Andre called his name from the back, and Josh twisted his way through laughing groups of men who were finally able to relax in a world that wasn’t ready to accept them.

“My man,” he said as he tugged Andre into a hug and was then introduced to the rest of the group. He tried to remember their names, but the words were lost in the din of the club. He ordered a beer and sat back to listen as his friend interacted with the other men.

“Things are worse,” Andre insisted. “There hasn’t been a raid in a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the pigs show up again.”

“It’s shit,” another man agreed and tucked his blonde hair behind his ears. “Sometimes I wonder if we ought to do something about it. Fight back next time or take it to the streets.”

Andre seemed more relaxed than Josh had ever seen him as the group discussed the political climate of the nation. Advances in equal rights for a number of groups hinted that change could be in the near future for gays and lesbians, too, but it was understandable that the bar’s patrons didn’t trust the nation’s power structures. And why would they? There’d been so little progress for the gay community since McCarthyism and the oppression of the decade before.

Josh lost track of time as he drank and listened. He contributed when he felt like he had something to say, but he mostly enjoyed hearing about the movement from insiders instead of trying to insert himself. Despite his close friendship with Andre and his own brother’s coming out a few months prior, he didn’t have a lot of contact with men who were attracted to other men. He’d always loved the female form, although he’d considered sexual attraction to the same sex. Somehow, it had never happened, and he didn’t feel like forcing something would do any good. He’d rather be supportive of those who had those feelings that try to be someone he wasn’t.

A tussle by the door caught his attention. Andre and the others at the table tensed, and Josh felt the hair on his arms rise. Something was happening, although he wasn’t sure what.

“It’s a raid,” Andre muttered as he rose and pushed Josh behind him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s a raid. The pigs are here.”

Josh watched in disbelief as police swarmed into the bar and yelled at the patrons. Drinks spilled, and men scrambled as police batons emerged and landed on those sitting at the bar. Time seemed to slow down, and he watched in disbelief as a brawl broke out in front of him. He’d drunk too much; that much was clear, but he felt like he was in a dream. Drifting along beside Andre, he joined the protest, raising his voice next to his friend and others he didn’t know. He yelled and marched and raised his fist as the streets became a battleground. He watched as those around him sparked with pride and celebrated their liberation.

He hadn’t felt the rush of working for something that mattered for so long, and it felt amazing. This wasn’t his personal fight, but it also was. What could be more personal than standing against police brutality and for the rights of everyone?

As the sun rose over the horizon, Andre and he stumbled home and slept for a few hours before rejoining the fray. For the next three days, he felt himself coming alive. When the police beat him, he curled in on himself and ignored the pain, and when it was all over, he lay in Andre’s apartment and realized he had to stop running. He’d left Chicago because he wasn’t worthy of Jen’s love, and he’d done nothing in the seven months since to change that. He needed a purpose, and he had to stop waiting for one to come to him. Instead, he had to go find it.

****

But then suddenly she was there on his television—Andre’s television—and he forgot everything except how much he missed her. He gaped at the screen as she talked and tried to quell the ache in his gut.

“…today’s remnants of the riots from Greenwich Village. A reminder, thousands of young men and women homosexuals from all over the Northeast marched from the Village to the Sheep Meadow in Central Park three days ago, proclaiming ‘the new strength of pride of the gay people.’ This movement, which some are calling gay pride, rejects the oppression of gay men and women and demands equal treatment and respect in society and under the law.

Thousands have taken to the streets, marching and protesting against police brutality and raids of gay bars and clubs. I’ve spoken to a number of protestors, and each reminds me that this movement has been long in the making. Stay tuned for further coverage. In the Village, I’m Jennifer Lawrence for WNBC, Channel 4.”

“That a girl,” he murmured as the screen faded from her to the anchor in the studio.

She looked amazing. A little more mature and stylish than she’d been in Chicago but also happy and confident. The slightly nervous energy she’d always portrayed on the screen in the Midwest seemed to have evaporated on the East Coast, and it was a good look on her.

“Was that her?” Andre asked lazily, his grin visible from the dim corner. “That’s your chick?”

“Yeah, that’s her,” he breathed.

Andre took a hit and passed a bud to him, and Josh inhaled twice sharply. It took a few minutes, but the marijuana did exactly what he wanted, which was to loosen him up and relax. He couldn’t believe they were in the same city again, and he wondered briefly if they were drawn to each other unintentionally or if there were cosmic forces at work to reunite them. How could he explain to anyone that two people who lived in Kentucky ended up halfway across the country together at college in California, reunited and lived together in the Midwest, and then landed in the same city on the East Coast?

Well, now he needed to get his shit together. The only problem was he had no idea how other than following his calling. He was an activist. That was part of him down to the marrow in his bones, and she was still a reporter. How was he ever going to reconcile that restless, never satisfied portion of him when Jenn was a part of the system? How could he fight “the man” when the woman he loved was part of it?

“I can see the wheels turning, Hutch. What’s going on in that big, beautiful brain of yours?”

Josh sighed and swiveled his head to face his friend. “I’ve never been good enough for her. I don’t know what to do except leave her alone, but I can’t stand being without her.”

“You know, you don’t have to give up everything for a cause, especially when it’s not your own.”

“They’re all my causes,” Josh protested. “Just because I’m not oppressed doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work for change.”

“Just because oppression exists doesn’t mean you should martyr yourself.”

Josh started to retort but snapped his jaw shut. The words hit hard and low in his stomach. His friend was right. Denying himself happiness wasn’t helping anyone else, and it certainly hadn’t made his or Jennifer’s lives any better. He’d broken both their hearts for far too long, and he had to figure out how to make it right.

“You’re right, man. I know you are, but I’m just not there yet,” Josh sighed. “I think, though, that I might need to move here once I am.”

“Always a spot here for you, Hutch.” After a few minutes of silence, Andre added, “There’s talk of an event here in a few months. Think you could stick around and facilitate planning? Might help you get your mind right, and then you can head back to California to see your brother and get the rest of your stuff.”

“Yeah, I can do that, I guess. What is it?”

“A concert. Somewhere upstate.”

“A concert?”

“Not just a concert. It’s a movement. Days of music, and all of us communing with nature.”

Josh rolled it around in his mind for a few minutes. It sounded like something to occupy his time while he got himself together. The next day he met with the planners of an event they affectionately referred to as Woodstock.

****

“Josh, I can’t tell you how much of a help you’ve been during this,” his boss said as they moved a stack of flyers into a crate. “I wasn’t sold when Andre asked me to take you on, but your creative ideas have been stellar.”

“Just trying to help out however I can,” he responded. “Glad to have something to do that might help the cause.”

“Every little thing helps. Now, you’re off for the week. Go enjoy some good music upstate. I’ll see you behind the scenes.”

Josh gave a two-fingered salute and made his way back to Andre’s apartment. They were hitching a ride with some other friends and making their way north to the festival, and he still had to pack before they could leave. He was almost there when he decided to pop into the corner bodega and grab some food. Who knew what kind of opportunities there would be to eat with however many people showed up in Bethel? They’d had to change locations not long ago and they’d tried to plan for all eventualities, but that didn’t mean Josh couldn’t bring some extra sustenance.

“Always be prepared,” he said to himself with a laugh and turned the corner. He stopped dead in his tracks. Not a hundred feet away was a woman with long blonde wavy hair. “Jennifer?”

He chased after her, but he quickly realized it wasn’t her. The same thing happened at the festival several times. Woodstock was a gas, a writhing throng of bodies with music that transcended him and made him fly with happiness. For the first time in a while, he felt like he knew himself. He’d helped plan it. He’d thought ahead to bring food when so many others wasted time searching for dinner. He was surrounded by friends and people of like mind. The lack of restrooms and facilities to bathe didn’t bother him. That could all wait until he returned to the city, which came much too soon.

Back at Andre’s, he smoked weed while he took a long, soothing bath. He jacked off lazily and let his mind drift to a slew of different times he’d been with Jen. He fantasized and planned and finally came to the realization that he needed to head back to California to tie up loose ends and spend time with his brother. Connor would help him focus. Being back where he and Jennifer had first met and fallen in love seemed like a good idea.

“Tomorrow,” he decided. “I’ll buy my ticket. California, here I come.”

#joshifer #joshifer fanfiction #the vintage joshifer series #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #fyeah-joshifer #jhutchdirectory #end of love #1960s

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saltpepperbeard · 6 years ago

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can anyone tell me why i’m getting the Extreme Urge to write another joshifer series/potential full length when it’s almost 2019 and josh and jen haven’t been a thing in nearly four years lmao

#Jodi rambles #Joshifer #Joshifer fanfiction #Help???#HERE'S THE THING LOL #AND THIS IS WHAT MADE ME START TWAAL SO I'M TOAST #I HAD A DREAM THIS MORNING #I NEVER EVER HAVE JOSHIFER DREAMS #BUT LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS/DREAMS LEAD TO TWAAL #AND NOW I'M GETTING REAAAAL ITCHY BECAUSE I DREAMT OF THEM #y'all #this is a problem because i've got a freaking dRAFT IDEA/BRAINSTORM THING OPEN RIGHT NOW #DEADASS #SO I'M IN TROUBLE LOL #idk if it'll amount to anything but like #having a thing open to draft ideas is further than i've gotten with like #the hawaii fic i was dabbling with lmao #send all the help you can

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saltpepperbeard · 6 years ago

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Omg OMG omg you’re writing again. I’m gonna need you to follow up on your idea where she meets up with josh and tells him about her relationship issues and stuff. I’m dying for it Jodi. Odvdjhdksbddjdb joshifer back for the win

When I have to clump anon asks together since they all pertain to the same thing/I wouldn’t be surprised if they were one VERY passionate person lmao.

HERE’S THE DEALIO/TEA, SIS: My motivation is very fragile and yelling at it will Scare It Away lol. I was itching to attempt to write a Joshifer full length recently, and with some talking to @aihodineverlark, I MIGHT meld Long Overdue into my full length, because it kind of follows the same path I was going to take.

HOWEVER, I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, because I know going back to college will do a NUMBER on my urge to write. It’s my literal last semester too lol so my mind is going to be focused on work and graduation tbh. So I jUST.

It’s tempting. It’s so so tempting. But genuinely, idk if I’ll be able to do it. And yes yes I know, I could always just write a sequel like you/you guys are begging me to do lol, bUT LIKE…I FEEL LIKE A SEQUEL WILL TURN INTO ANOTHER SEQUEL SO IT’S LIKE…BETTER JUST WRITE A FULL LENGTH IF THAT IS INDEED THE CASE.

I’m going to go back to my drawing board and see if my motivation hops to it. I think if I did write a full length again, I’d write pretty much all the chapters before publishing. Or make sure I had a CLEAR map before staring work. Because I don’t want to start publishing chapters only for it to completely die when I head back to school.

IDK IF THIS OL’ GIRL HAS IT IN HER AKDLSAJLA

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

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These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Twenty

A/N: Well. Here we are at yet another chapter I can’t talk about too much. Because when I say this chapter changes things, I mean this chapter changes things. It changes things so much that I wasn’t even able to hint much towards it. And I’m very excited to see how well you all perceive it!

Anyway, big thank you to all my readers for being my muse. I appreciate all the support, and just know that you taking the time to read, leave comments, or any form of feedback inspires me to no end. Peanut butter sandwiches all around!

And a huge thank you to @catching-dandelions, for supporting me and helping me come up with ideas. This is yet another chapter we’ve been discussing for a while, and it’s unbelievable that it’s actually here!

So then.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooooo….

I miss her. I miss her so much that it hurts, genuinely hurts. My heart clenches tightly within me at any remembrance of her, and I find myself zoning out multiple times throughout the day, distracted by her very image.

She’s the first thing that floods my mind when I wake in the morning, and the last thing looping within my conscious when I tuck in for the night. I can barely focus on my scheduled tasks, because I long for her like nothing else.

Any pictures that I have of her, I find myself staring at when no one else is around, imaging what things would be like if she were here. Any articles of clothing meant for her, I find myself fondling, as if her body was here to fill them.

And I find myself asking multiple times…

Why did she have to get ripped away from me like this.

I’m very much incomplete without her. My days don’t really seem to have a purpose without her presence bathing me in love and vitality. A chunk of my soul has been torn out and replaced with an empty, black void. I’m a puzzle with a missing piece.

I think about what it would be like to feel her again. I picture kissing her forehead, caressing her cheeks, pulling her flush against me. I imagine her warm body nestled up close against mine, wrapped tightly in my arms, secure from the rest of the world.

I think about her asleep on my chest, tuckered out from the day’s events. I picture drying away her tears and whispering soft words to ease her tribulations. I imagine murmuring sweet goodnights to her, and telling her how much I love her.

But she’s not here. She’s gone.

I slump further into the bed, heaving a long breath. Despite my melancholy, my agitation, I’ve been forced into work, my career swallowing me back up. But I’ve been bucking and kicking, not having any of it. I’ve been implored to think about other things, to focus on my job and the people within it.

And it’s been highly difficult. Because the moment my love solidified for her, my life has been nothing else.

Today’s one of those days. Today’s a day where I want to fight against the tasks at hand, and turn all thoughts to her. Today’s a day where I want to lock myself away from the world, and pretend like she’s still here, here with me.

So the moment my publicist appears in the doorway, I cannot help but let out a heavy breath, sighing out my protests. She looks me up and down, and returns the sigh, getting a load of my lazy, and very much unprepared state.

“You were supposed to be ready twenty minutes ago. What have you been doing?”

I simply hold up my phone in response, a single picture poised on the screen.

“I know you miss her. I understand that. But there’s work to be done. The sooner you cooperate, the sooner you can return to your loved ones.

“I know. And I apologize. I just didn’t think it would be this…hard.”

My publicist’s gaze visibly softens, sympathy washing over her features. She strides across the room and ends up by my bedside, splaying a gentle hand atop my shoulder.

“It’s amazing the connection you two share. And I understand how it’s difficult to be torn away from her. But you’ll be back with her soon, Josh.”

My hazel eyes slowly crawl up to meet Melissa’s, and I let out a long breath.

“It’s just…I understand that we’ll have to separate for movies and promotion and everything. That’s just part of our careers. That’s just what we do. And I’m sure we can make things work.”

Melissa remains silent, so I heave another sigh and continue.

“But right now…I hate leaving her alone. She’s been through so much in the past months. I wanted to be there for her to make things easier, to help her relax. Her pregnancy has been…so rough.”

“I know it has.”

“It’s her first baby, Melissa. She’s had to deal with…shit no one should ever have to face for a first child. And I wasn’t there to help her through so much of it. I wasn’t there to support her. So I just…really want to be with her the weeks leading up to the birth.”

“I understand, Josh. Really, I do. But you and I both know that you’re obligated to finish up the public relation work with Paradise Lost. It’s part of your job to promote the movie, to ensure the word gets spread.”

“Literally any other time would have been fine,” I groan.

“Well, there is no other time. You and Claudia both have to fit a tight schedule.”

I wince slightly at the mention of Claudia’s name. She and I were dating for a point, back when Jen perplexed the hell out of me. But if anything, it only brought upon more confusion, and I soon learned I had made a mistake.

I was too focused on trying to distract myself from heartbreak, too focused on immersing myself in someone else, that I didn’t take my true feelings into account. And I learned it was very hard to date someone with my heart tugging me in a different direction. So in knowing that my love belonged to Jen, even despite her alleged interest with Nick at the time, I ended Claudia and I’s relationship.

And now it haunts us, swirls about, as we’re forced to come back together for promotion and public relation matters. We’re supposed to flaunt affection around, flirt like we’re two co-stars madly in love to try and draw attention to the movie. They figure if they can quench the media’s thirst for a hot new relationship, it’ll draw more eyes to Paradise Lost.

But it’s awkward for Claudia and I, even more so when I’m actually in a romantic, intimate relationship with the woman of my true affections.

“I hate it, Melissa. I hate forcing it. Put me back in more interviews. Hell, drag me off to another premiere. Anything but making me love someone else when all I want is to be back with Jennifer.”

“Like I said, you’ll be done with everything soon.”

She rubs my shoulder, before gently giving me a shake.

“And hey, at least you have the Battle of the Bluegrass to look forward to tonight! It’s something to think about, something to get you through the day. I’m sure Jen has already been pestering you about it.”

This brings a crooked ghost of a smile to my face, and I look back down at my phone, staring at the picture that continues to take up my screen; a selfie of Jen wearing a Louisville hat, smiling her beautiful smile, and flipping me off of course.

“Oh trust me, she has been,” I say with a soft huff of laughter, “We’ve been fighting about it ever since I got up. I just…wish I was there to experience it with her.”

“You will be soon enough, Josh. Just hang in there for me, alright? A few more walks and events and then you’re done. So if you could please get ready, we’ll head out, wrap this up, and then the day will belong to you and Jennifer.”

Deciding that once again, arguing does nothing, and once again, I just need to suck it up, I swallow my arguments, and contort to the ways of public relations for the umpteenth time.

xXx

I get dressed and kempt, and then Melissa and I head out into the mild California sun. It’s another round of scheduled trips and walks to get Claudia and I into the public eye. But while the mask of acting goes up, my true emotions explode behind the scenes.

I text Jen whenever I can, and think about her all throughout the day, the mental image of my girlfriend pushing me along. It’s a long and grueling period of work, filled with uncomfortableness and unease. And my longing for Jen only continues to build, my want for her only continues to bubble up to a boil within me.

So when I am finally dismissed, I’m a freed bird flying all the way back to Kentucky. I rush back to the hotel, my heart thundering with excitement at the thought of being able to interact with her all night. It’s the closest thing to actually being by her side, so I’ll take it without complaint when I have no other choice.

There’s not much time left until the game comes on. I’m sure she’s fully immersed in the action with her family, and if I were there, we’d probably be chewing the shit out of each other. Wanting to experience that as much as I can with her, despite the circumstances, I slip into a Wildcats shirt, flip on the television to the right channel, and decide to call her, wanting to hear her gorgeous voice.

…Even if it’ll be strung with expletives and taunts.

The thought makes me grin, and I’m quick to snatch up my phone, dialing her number and letting it ring. It feels like an eternity passes, stuck in a continuous loop of buzzes, but in reality, she’s very quick to pick up. And the second I hear the click signaling she’s listening on the other end, my heart leaps within me.

But while normally I would greet her with affection, now is not the time for that. Tonight is all about getting her riled up, something that amuses me greatly.

Right when I hear her intake of breath, as if she’s going to say something, I cut her off with a smug smile.

“Almost time! Ready to get your asses kicked?”

She gives an incredulous snort, and I chuckle, knowing the battle has started.

“You’re pretty confident there.”

“Should I not be? The Cats are playing the Cards,” I boast, tipping my chin upwards with a grin, “I have nothing to be worried about.”

“I wouldn’t be so fucking sure.”

“You owe money to the swear jar,” I laugh, pleased with the response I’m getting and deciding to push her further, “And money to me when you lose.”

“Oh, so we’re making bets now?” she murmurs, and I can practically see her cocked brow, her tilted hip, her hand splayed across her round stomach. “Again, that’s pretty bold, Joshy.”

“What can I say? I always have faith in the Cats.”

“Name your stake then, mother fucker.”

I roll my eyes at her language, something we’ll both definitely have to work on around her baby, but cannot help but laugh all the same.

“Well, definitely not money, because all of yours will be in that jar. But I don’t really have any ideas. Were you thinking of anything?”

The words roll off my tongue almost in a purr, as to entice her to give a…less than appropriate response. And knowing Jen, she is quick to deliver.

“Getting my way with you for a week. But that’s about it.”

Definitely not a punishment that would bother me.

“Hmm, I accept your challenge,” I chuckle back, “And if we win, I’ll be expecting a few Cannes repeats.”

“You’re going to be one sad, lap-dance deprived loser.”

“Now who’s confident?”

“Only my entire family and I, Peanut included.”

My thoughts expand to allow Jen’s unborn daughter into the equation, and I’m distracted for a moment, picturing the sensation of her moving beneath my girlfriend’s skin, imaging the way her growing body has made Jen’s swell in return.

Wanting to be nothing but a father for her, I’ve become absolutely comfortable with Peanut. So I definitely have no trouble adding her to the banter.

“How can you brand an unborn baby?”

“Because she’s mine, Josh,” she says matter-of-factly, as if the detail of being a mother will influence all of her daughter’s decisions, “She’ll be born into the Nation.”

I roll my eyes with a snorting chuckle, because biological or not, no daughter of mine is going to be a Cardinal. At least not without giving Jen shit.

“Unless I can convince her that blue is a better color.”

“Joshua Ryan, I swear to- “

And then that beautiful, flustered voice I love so much cuts off.

For a second, I think I’ve lost the connection, and bring the phone away from my ear, perplexed. But no, all is well, the call still showing that Jen is on the line. I lift the phone back up, and open my mouth to gently question why she never completed her thought; well, angry rant.

She beats me however, her tone sounding once more. But she doesn’t continue on with her tirade like expected. She simply strains out a single expletive that has my brows furrowing in concern and confusion.

“Shit!”

Did she stub her toe? Did she trip? Did she come to realize that I was right about the Cats being the better team all along?

My brain floods with a list of scenarios, and I inquire to clarify.

“Jen? What happened? You okay?”

There’s a slight pause, and then, like nothing happened, Jen’s happy sigh sounds on the other end.

“Yeah. Peanut is just enthusiastic today, kicking and punching. That, or she was calling bullshit towards your statement as well.”

So definitely not agreeing with me on the whole Wildcat thing.

“Oh, okay,” I laugh, and not wanting our bickering to lose steam, I add in, “You don’t know that though! Maybe she’s been disagreeing with you all this time…”

Jen lets out a disgusted snort, and my laughter immediately grows stronger, my eyes squinting up and my face wrinkling with amusement.

“Oh my God. Of all the wrong things you’ve said tonight, that one wins.”

As usual though, she cannot stop herself from falling victim to the enticing mirth, and laughs along with me for a period of time.

My brain goes off exploring at the sound, sifting through multiple mental pictures. I can see the way her eyes sparkle with diamonds when she giggles, the way her smile illuminates anything and everything in the room with her. I can see her breasts jiggling softly, her rotund belly shifting, and her hands resting upon it as she throws her head back with her jollity.

God, I miss her. I miss her so much.

And the feeling must be entirely mutual, because the moment we calm down, she utters what’s on our minds.

“I miss you though, Joshy.”

My heart clenches, coupled with the want to kiss her and touch her all over.

“I miss you too, babe. But I’ll be back home before you know it.”

“I know. The day just couldn’t come fast enough. It’s not the same without you here.”

Perfectly in-sync. Perfectly mutual.

“It can’t be that bad,” I murmur, deciding to keep the conversation light, not wanting to upset her, “At least you have your brothers to fight with instead of me!”

“It’s not the same!” she theatrically whines, “There’s a different between bickering over stupid topics and bullying.”

“I know.”

“Not to mention the bed has been much bigger, colder, and lonelier without you around.”

My jaw clenches at the thought, swallowing hard as I picture everything I could be doing with my girlfriend in a bed right now. While she could be speaking with purity, intimacy is one of the many things I miss, so I choose to remind her.

“Without us both heating it up, I can imagine why!”

I hear her shaky intake of a breath, and a smug grin crawls across my face. If I go down, I’m dragging her with me.

“Fuck…” she groans, “I miss that too. Why’d you have to bring that up?”

“Well, it’s kind of a mutual suffering,” I explain, licking my lips and feeling myself swell ever so slightly below.

“All the more reason to get your ass back home.”

“I know, hun. I’m trying to fight for coming back earlier. Aiming for this upcoming week.”

It’ll certainly be a tough war to wage, but I’m perfectly willing to get torn a new one by my publicist, as long as it means being back home again with Jennifer.

“I still don’t know though,” I continue, “But it’s worth a shot.”

I hear her inhale to reply, and then the sound of muffled, masculine yelling crackles over the line. I shake my head with a chuckle, knowing it’s one of two people, and sure enough, Jen confirms this. She murmurs softly for me to hang on, before her attitude shifts entirely for her brother, screeching at him from across the house.

I can’t make out much of what’s going on, but I’m guessing it’s just another stereotypical argument between her and Blaine. I laugh as I continue to listen, Jennifer snapping and sassing all the while. Then I hear her voice change yet again, and I realize Jen’s mother has stepped in to call a truce. There’s a bit more murmuring and talking, before shuffling is audible, and I’m graced with the intoxicating sound of my girlfriend speaking once more.

“Sorry, hun,” she laughs lightly, “Getting hurried along by the family.”

I sigh at the thought of having to cut our connection, but this changes to a laugh with what she says next.

“Mom says hi, and Ben and Blaine say your ass is on the line.”

“Alright. Well, maybe it’s better I’m not there,” I grimace; it probably would be better if Jen was here instead of a Wildcat being in the middle of Cardinal territory.

“Yeah, I think it may be for the best. For now, at least.”

I nod as if she can see me, and slip my tongue slowly across my lips, wanting so badly for them to be hers instead. She must know that the silent longing isn’t getting us anywhere or doing us any good, and begins to tie the conversation up.

“Anyway, I think I better go, Joshy. Hate to make the brothers more anxious. They already think this call is a bad omen.”

“Okay,” I laugh softly, and shove as much affection and sincerity into my next words as I possibly can, “I love you so much, baby. I hope you and Peanut have fun!”

“We will. And I love you too.”

Sticking to my genuine wish, I throw in one last bit of teasing to keep the spirits light, wanting her to go into the game with a smile and enjoy herself, instead of focusing on me.

“Also, for the record? Tell your brothers that it will be, in fact, your asses on the line.”

And then before we can both be saddened with having to hang up, I rip off the band aid, and end the call in just a quick button press. The replying loneliness is just as fast.

I miss her already, and damn, if I don’t love her to the farthest reach of the universe and back.

I didn’t think I was capable of feeling something so deep for a person, Jennifer especially. When I first met her, and when my affections started to blossom soon afterward, she was nothing but a fantasy, a crazy dream of mine. She was everything I asked for and more, the epitome of my dream girl.

I had stuck to a “type” of girl dating wise for the longest time, and even though Jen was practically the opposite of what I normally look for, she drew me to her like nothing else. She had me completely wrapped around her finger. The moment I started experiencing signs, I knew I was a goner.

Sure, other girls had made my heart speed up, my hands tremble, and my stomach flood with warmth. But Jennifer. God, Jennifer.

It felt like my heart all but stopped every time she flashed one of her mesmerizing smiles in my direction. My whole body began to tremble every time she brushed against me, or poked fun. And perhaps I can thank her for ripping my pants during Catching Fire shooting.

Every laugh that slipped from her lips was like experiencing the most beautiful melody audible to human ears. Every joke she told had me laughing for what seemed like hours on end. Every brush of her fingers against mine or bump of our shoulders sent electrifying pulses to even the deepest reaches of my body.

Everything about her sucked me in and didn’t let me out. Her amazing personality. Her intoxicating body. Her unprecedented talent.

Everything. She’s perfect. Too perfect. So never did I picture myself dating such an extraordinary woman.

I always thought she was far too out of reach for a guy like me. Why would such a gifted beauty fall in love with a Kentucky hick? It didn’t make sense in my mind.

Still, I was drawn to her, and ended up having my heart cracked repeatedly in our times of confusion.

But then the most amazing thing happened. Despite the odds, despite all my doubt, despite all the troubles we faced, my dreams became a reality.

She loves me back. Jennifer Lawrence loves me back, with the same level of fervor. Her affections run just as deep, meeting and swirling as far down as they can go with mine. I still cannot believe it to this day.

Along with her confession of love, I also found out about her pregnancy, and all the troubles she had faced with it. My soulmate was carrying a baby, a baby who was not necessarily the product of our love like intended to be.

Quite the shocker initially, yes. But did I care? Not in the slightest.

Jen’s daughter is just that; her daughter, part of her. She’s a piece of Jen, and therefore I feel just as obligated to protect her, to love her. She’s a slice of my reverie, and carries her mother’s significance.

So I’ve been absolutely on cloud nine, reality mixing with fantasy, scenarios that were once present only in my largest daydreams playing out in real life. My dream girl-, my dream girls, are now the most important part of me. And nothing will stop me from protecting them, from enjoying them, from loving them, whether it be Nick, my career, or distance.

I sigh, sinking back into the hotel bed and allowing the happier thoughts to flow. The television is blaring with pre-game shit, so I pull out my phone and decide to look at pictures, throwing the occasional texts towards Jen as well.

My camera roll immediately brings a giant smile to my face, and it remains as I scroll through, gazing at the photos I have of my two favorite ladies.

The latest picture is of Jen on the couch from the night before I left, smiling towards the camera with a Santa hat poised on her belly-, well, on Peanut. There’s also some I managed to sneak of her decorating the tree, straining upwards and lifting her ballooned self up on her tiptoes.

I cannot help but chuckle at her pregnant form, especially now that she’s not around to have her feelings hurt by it. Because I’m not doing it to tease her; I’m doing it because I think she genuinely looks adorable as a mother-to-be. And I won’t have much longer to appreciate it.

I continue to scroll and smile, each picture bringing up a nice memory.

Jen pressing a soft kiss to my cheek, and then a picture of us actually kissing. A blurred selfie of Jen running and laughing when she stole my phone. A picture of us theatrically glaring into the camera, our mouths buried in mugs of hot chocolate. A multitude of photos from the Lawrence Thanksgiving gathering.

And then I stumble upon a batch that particularly tugs on my heart strings; pictures from one of Jen’s pre-natal checkups. While she was too embarrassed with the idea initially, I insisted, convincing her that she would want the memory later.

So I find myself beaming at pictures of her on the hospital bed, her shirt pulled up and revealing her swollen stomach, a meek grin stretched across her face. Except in one of the pictures, she’s glaring at me; must have been something I said. But I chuckle all the while, continuing to look through the set.

There’s a few of her smiling all glassy eyed at the sonogram screen, at her daughter. And then I find a short video in the sea of stills.

Playing reveals it to be a short clip of the sonogram process; Jen giggling softly, my intrigued commentary chattering along, and the unmistakable fast paced thumps filling the background. I was smart enough to capture Peanut’s fetal heartbeat.

I sigh happily, and with one more swipe, I reach a picture that has my smile reaching face splitting proportions.

A digital copy of the latest sonogram picture, or, I guess you could say, a Peanut selfie.

I stare at it, just as intrigued as I was for the first sonogram I got to experience. It’s so strange to think that my girlfriend actually has a little person growing within her, with a head, tiny arms and legs, and everything in between. It’s so fascinating, and beautiful all the same.

I couldn’t love my girls more.

A loud series of chattering and music sounds from the television, nabbing my attention away from my girlfriend and her baby. At least, as far as pictures on my phone go, because I start smiling as the television pans to an inside look of the YUM Center. It’s overflowing with red and black, and my grin grows as I imagine Jennifer amongst the sea of Cardinal fans.

I’m sure I’ll get to see her during some point of the night, because it’s likely her presence won’t go entirely unnoticed as famous as she is. She’s an even bigger celebrity in her hometown, a sort of inspiration and hero in Louisville. So I wouldn’t be surprised if they made her start the game or wave hello or something like that.

I settle deeper against the hotel mattress, breathing out a sigh as I watch the pregame activities for a bit. Not as fun as actually being there in person, but it’ll have to compensate. I watch for a while longer, and just as the solitude begins to constrict me with boredom and loneliness, a new text washes it all away.

“Hey, Spongy. Watching the game yet?”

I beam at my phone; she’s probably on her way to the game or settled in already, so I decide to ask.

“You know it! Have the stream turned on in my room. You at the YUM Center?”

“Yup!”

Out of reflex, my eyes immediately scan for her as the camera pans, trying to pinpoint her in a crowd of thousands. I’m sure I could; she’d stand out like a beacon to me. But before I can look further, another text pops up.

“Just looking at all these poor UK fans who are going to be crying soon ;(“

I roll my eyes, very much wishing I could spank her ass for being a smartass herself.

“Ha ha. I wouldn’t be so sure, baby. Someone’s going to be grumpy when she owes me lapdances ;)”

“Fuck you.”

I chuckle out loud, pleased with myself for riling her up again. It’s not my fault for being truthful after all. Grinning widely, I continue to poke and prod.

“Swear jar!”

“What? How does that make any sense? I didn’t even say it!”

“I know. Better to get into a good habit though ;)”

“Whatever,” she texts back, and I laugh again to myself, knowing she’s absolutely done with me by this point, “Anyway, game’s about to start, and I think I’m going to converse my texting energy so I can spam the fuck out of you once we start winning.”

“Doubt you’ll even get the opportunity, but okay. Love you! <3”

I prepare myself for a barrage of expletives and arguments, but end up smiling warmly when she replies with a simple, “Love you too <3”

She must be wanting to focus on the start of the game, which is perfectly fine by me. Wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of the Wildcats dragging the Cardinals to the ground. Again, I titter with mirth, knowing that this is going to be a night filled with bickering and arguing. But unlike the past few days, at least it finally belongs to Jen and I.

No public relations. No bullshit. No problems. Just her and I.

The arena breaks out into a chorus of chanting, Cats against Cards, and then with a rush, the Battle of the Bluegrass begins. I get a little too into it, already shouting things towards the television, cursing when the Cats mess up, and whining at unfair plays. Only a bit into the game, and I’ve already got the bed’s sheets bundled up in my hands, unable to take the pressure of the need to beat my rivals, to beat my girlfriend.

At some point, I stumble off into the small kitchen to grab some food and distract myself before I go insane, before housekeeping or Melissa comes by to check on my wellbeing and question all the shouting. I snag a few leftovers I had saved in the fridge, heat them up, and head back to my perch. And when my eyes settle back on the game, I grin for the umpteenth time.

Because Jen and I are so synchronized it’s ridiculous; perfectly meant for one another. The camera happens to be panned on her, the announcers babbling away about her and praising her as expected. I watch as she stuffs bite after bite of pizza into her mouth, eating like it’s the first bit of food she’s had in weeks.

I shake my head with a sigh, and decide to tease her about her lovely eating habits.

“Camera pans to you, and you’re eating pizza. Typical.”

I’m lucky enough that the camera remains on her, the players on the court likely taking a break or something, so I have the opportunity to gaze at her beautiful face and wrack my gaze up and down her body. She seems to be all too focused on meal, reaching for another slice and gorging herself, so I send another stream of texts for her to read later when she’s not busy.

“They said you were basically the guest of honor. Aren’t you special? Hope you’re having fun though, babe. You look beautiful. Go Cats ;)”

The camera begins to pan back out, but I see her pick up her phone. Something about her stance however, appears a little out of the ordinary, though maybe it’s just my mind playing tricks one me.

There seems to be a strange look behind her eyes, not the normal, glimmering light I’d expect. Her entire body seems to be tense, and she just looks…uneasy. Very unlike her, especially after reading a bickering text from me. But before I can contemplate the situation more, the camera pans away from her little spot in the audience, turning back to the announcers.

I’m left a bit perplexed, but I try to convince myself that it was nothing. Maybe she was just worrying that the Cats in fact, are going to beat her team. Or she was reading another message from Liz or something. Either way, I blow out a breath, focus back in on the game, and await a replying text.

They play for a bit more, before a time out is called. And what the announcers say next gets me leaning forward on the bed, a huge grin practically ripping my face in half.

“Louisville native and Academy winner Jennifer Lawrence will be leading the Cardinals in their famous cheer here in a moment.”

Just like that, the camera pans back to her little alcove high above the court. It zooms a bit closer than before, the idea of privacy cast aside momentarily, as Jen steps out to face the entire YUM Center. I find myself tracking her face, searching for the strange expression I saw earlier. But nope, I guess I was just worrying too much about her, because that stunning, sparkling smile is back on her face.

I look on with pride, jealously, and slight disgust as she repeatedly pumps the Louisville “L” into the air with her hand, the crowd going nuts beneath her as a response. A copious amount of fans return the gesture back to her, the whole situation reminding me of when I got Mockingjay saluted at the Lexington game.

Which of course, was a blast and an amazing experience, so I can only hope that Jen is vastly enjoying herself the same way.

She sings out with the fans below, the arena booming with a chant that makes my ears want to bleed. But regardless of the rivalry and the words burning my soul, I continue to watch her, to support her.

And that’s when everything changes.

Any other person watching her wouldn’t be able to notice it, but I see it immediately; a twinge in Jennifer’s expression. The vague widening of her eyes, the slight tremor that runs through her body, the steady decrease of her raised hand.

My smile falls as I continue to observe her, because hers appears to be doing the same. The sparkle and light behind her eyes is now gone, something far more troubling swirling behind them. She’s still grinning, but knowing her better than myself, I can tell it’s no longer genuine.

There’s something bothering her.

My throat tightens at the thought of her being unhappy, at the thought of something ruining her fun night. In reflex, I pull out my phone, and send her a text to come back to when she sits back down.

“Hey, sweetheart. You alright? Pizza not sitting well with you or something?” I send, trying to add a bit of banter to restore her contentment, to chase away whatever is causing her discomfort.

She doesn’t deserve to be unhappy. Not now, not ever. And on a night where she’s supposed to be having fun, enjoying the comforting vibe of her hometown and the warmth of her family, I will not allow it to be ruined. Not if I can help it, even from all the way across the country.

The chant ends, and the camera pans back to the game, so all I can do is sit tight and wait for a response. Seconds tick by. Minutes. And I grow more and more uneasy as my phone remains dark, stagnant, and lifeless.

Where is she? And why isn’t she replying? Any other time I would be alright with a lull in the conversation. I’m definitely not the clingy type, understanding that there’s more to her life besides me. But the fear behind her gaze has me shaken, and I need to know that she’s okay.

Time continues to drag slowly on, and I feel like it’s essentially frozen, the television showing the same activity and my phone showing the same blackness. My jaw clenches and unclenches on its own accord, as I try in vain to keep myself calm and collected.

I don’t know anything for certain. I don’t have a sure reason to lose my shit yet. It could very well be nothing. I could just be acting overprotective as usual.

But despite this, despite trying to convince myself, I send her yet another text.

“Jen. What’s going on? You okay?”

After I send this particular message, I come to realize something even more troubling.

A single, disconcerting word, sticking out to me in a sea of white and taunting my composure.

Delivered.

She hasn’t even looked at any of my latest texts.

I grasp the back of my neck with a hand, letting out a long, shaky breath. I tell myself over and over again to not freak out. I repeat calming phrases in my head like a mantra. I murmur out loud in a repetitive stream to stay calm.

But fuck, how can I?

After everything Jen has gone through, after all the terrible things she’s had to face, I cannot help but constantly be afraid for her well being. At even the slightest hint of trouble, I’m very quick to respond, scooping her away, protecting her, and comforting her from whatever may try to ail her.

And right now is certainly no exception, my senses going absolutely haywire.

It’s also intensified with the fact that I’m so far away. I can’t reach her in a moment. I can’t walk out from the car and save her, or scoot across the dance floor to ask if she’s okay. I’m miles and miles away, helpless, and anxious. If something is indeed wrong, something that requires immediate attention, I won’t be able to help her.

The thought absolutely horrifies me.

I flashback to when I wasn’t even aware of her pregnancy, when I watched her panic before me and didn’t have the slightest clue as to what was happening. I recall the night she fled my arms and was later abused by Nick, and I was too late to fully prevent it. I think back to all the times where she cried alone, where she screamed until her body went numb, and broke into millions of pieces, while I was left in limbo, frightened and confused.

And that same terror, that same exact strong, overwhelming terror, begins to suffocate me, wrapping its ebony hands around my body and squeezing all the breath from my lungs.

I can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. I hate being in the darkness like this. I hate not being able to be there for her. So I resort to picking up the phone and calling her, praying that she’ll pick up.

The phone rings. And rings. And rings. And rings.

By the time I reach her voicemail, her soft, sweet recorded voice sounding over the other end, I’m up and pacing around the room, highly distraught.

“Jennifer,” I say after the tone sounds, “Honey, I’m worried about you. I just wanted to check up on you and…see if everything’s okay. I love you. Call or text me.”

I swallow hard and continue to walk around the room, like the hotel has become my holding cell. I’m fidgeting, tensing, unable to stop moving, focusing only on my girlfriend. Each second becomes more painful. Each passing minute grows all the more worrisome.

And after streams of texts and calls with no response, I’m beginning to lose my mind.

“Oh, it seems Jennifer has left early!”

The voice on the television stops me cold, my entire body running ridged with an electrifying intensity. I don’t move. I don’t breathe. I just gape at the screen with dinner plate eyes.

The camera is showing her private box, where she was once happily enjoying herself with her family, to be vacated of her presence. I stare disbelieving, trying to take the situation in, willing her to walk back on camera and be perfectly fine.

But she doesn’t. I only see glimpses of Ben, and her parents, all looking unhappy, if not distraught.

“It’s a shame she couldn’t stick around for the rest of the game. I guess something popped up,” the MC carries on, and my heart drops all the way into my stomach.

Something is definitely wrong.

“Fuck…Fuck…Fuck…” I gasp out to myself in a steady stream, hopeless, helpless, not knowing what to do at all. I simply continue to walk tense circles around the room, hoping, praying, for some kind of answer.

I don’t let up with the calls and texts. Each time I call her, I convince myself that it’ll be the time she picks up. Each time I text her, I tell myself I’ll finally get a reply. But after minutes of this without moving forward, I’m only growing more agitated.

“Damn it!” I shout after the umpteenth failed call, my patience and sanity pushing.

There has to be some other way to reach her, some other way to contact her and see what’s going on. I begin thinking furiously of who else to contact, who else to reach out to with a lifeline.

Liz is the first person to pop into my head, but Jen is out for personal reasons, nothing work related of the sort. So I’m sure she wouldn’t know what’s going on. Her parents were still at the game, as was Ben and-

An audible gasp leaves my lips as a glimmer of hope peers through the darkness.

Blaine.

I nearly drop my phone, my fingers shaking as I quickly dial his number. It rings for a bit, the sound of my ragged breathing harmonizing with the buzzes.

“Please pick up…Please pick up…Please pick up…”

And never have I ever been so relieved to hear the clicking sound of someone answering.

“Blaine…” I heave, deflating like a balloon and allowing only some of the tension to depart, “Jesus…I’ve been trying to reach Jen for a while now. Is she alright?”

I thought calling him would bring me some relief, would ease my fears. But it does just the opposite, because following my question comes a long pause. I grasp my phone tightly to the side of my head, my breathing escalating and my heart pounding at nearly the same speed.

“Blaine,” I press desperately, “Where is Jen? Is she with you?”

He finally speaks, but his voice is grim, fragile, very unlike what I’m used to.

“Yeah…I’ve got her here…”

His vague, pained answer is a stimulant to my heart, causing it to beat wildly for a way out of my chest.

“Is she okay? What’s happening? Blaine, what the fuck is going on?” I ask in a rush.

I hear his shaky intake of breath, before he responds slowly.

“No she’s…I’m taking her to the hospital.”

My erratic heart stops. My mouth falls open. Just a sliver of breath leaves my lungs as my world comes crashing down, and as Blaine carries on with his explanation.

“We…We had to leave the game early because…We think there’s something wrong with the-“

It’s a wonder I don’t black out at what I hear next. I beg that I’m just hallucinating, beg that this is all just a terrible nightmare, beg that those pained, inhuman screams can’t possibly be coming from my girlfriend in the background.

I stumble forward, the terrible sound chilling me right down to the bone. My faces blanches of all color, tears swirl into my eyes, and I flash in and out of shock. But just as soon as they torturous noises started, they cease, abruptly. And there’s a silence on the line from both Blaine and Jen.

“Blaine, answer me! Blaine! Jennifer, baby please answer me! Someone! Fucking…”

Silent trickles of moisture roll down my face, all dignity pushed aside as I wheeze and gasp, my phone practically vibrating from the tremors rolling through me.

But no one answers. The line remains silent for too long. No one is talking to me. No one is telling me why the love of my life is suffering.

That’s when something inside of me breaks.

Some feral, insane instinct in the deepest reaches of my body ignites, and my composure comes crashing down. It’s like my brain isn’t even connected to extremities anymore, because I rush around the room, gathering a few things without any thought whatsoever.

I snag some essential things, almost in a broken trance as I zip around, grabbing my wallet and a few other items.

And with the most terror I’ve ever felt in my entire life encasing me, I run out of my hotel room without a moment more, Jennifer’s chilling wails fresh and echoing inside of my head.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #joshifersource #joshiferrecs #Josh Hutcherson fanfiction #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #*Casually fliPS THE WORLD UPSIDEDOWN*

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

Text

These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Nineteen

A/N: I can’t really say too much about this chapter, because if start talking about it, I won’t be able to stop. Let’s just say that I’ve been building up to this point over the past seven months. This is the chapter. And I’m very excited to share it with you all. It’s the largest turning point of the story, and even if it means getting punches thrown my way, I’m happy to post it.

As usual, huge thank you to everyone has been following the story, and/or has expressed interest. Every reblog, comment, and piece of feedback means the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you all are my muse!

And a giant, giant thank you to my partner in crime, catching-dandelions, especially with this chapter. About a year ago, I had no idea what to do with this part. But she helped talk me through it, and now here we are.

Now then. One slight warning.

Disclaimer: This chapter gets particularly graphic towards the end.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooooo….

Today marks a large milestone, something to actually get excited and joyous about after weeks of solitude. Something to actually look forward to, to immerse myself in. While unfortunately, it’s not my boyfriend coming back home, it’s the second best thing, something that will connect me to both him and my family.

The Battle for the Bluegrass. Or in simpler terms, the big basketball game between our rivaled teams, the Wildcats and the Cardinals.

It’s something that our families get involved with every single year. It’s something that allows for playful banter and giving each other shit. It brings us together in a weird kind of way, a friendly war breaking out between the Lawrences and the Hutchersons.

And despite the distance, this year is no exception, Josh insistent upon getting in on the action all the way from his location in Los Angeles. Throughout the morning and into the afternoon, he has been facetiming me, arguing with my Dad on the phone, fighting with my brothers via text, and overall making his presence felt.

While I do wish he was with me, maybe it’s for the better that he’s a good ways away, the men in my family ready to tear him a new one. But as much rivalry as we currently have, I absolutely savor talking to him, relishing even the most annoying bickers between us.

There’s only about an hour left until my family and I head over to the YUM Center. Everyone is completely ready to show team spirit, all of us decked out in our team colors of red and black. The excitement hangs heavy in the air, as well of anxiousness to know who will earn bragging rights for the season. And for me, the slight worry of heading out into public.

I wouldn’t miss this for the world. It’s something I’m always excited for this time of the year. But things are different this time around. I’m pregnant, and have the very large spotlight of the media thirsting to follow my every move. I also don’t have my rock by my side, or anywhere close for that matter. If something were to happen, I would not have him to protect me immediately like I’m used to. It’s a vulnerable, blind step.

But I remind myself that I’ll have to face the public one way or another. I can’t be restricted by my career and the extra baggage surrounding it. I have the right to live a little, to relax and spend quality time with my family. I’ll have my brothers by my side, and Josh within earshot.

Everything will be just fine. I can enjoy myself as I always do. This year should be no different than the previous.

I smile at myself in the mirror, pleased with my positive way of thinking for once. Tonight will be fun. I’ll make sure of it.

“Well, Peanut?” I ask as I continue to get ready, fixing my hair and combing it straight, “You ready to go to your first big game?”

There’s a pause that follows, so I simply carry on with my tasks, smoothing the last bit of my hair and checking my outfit. I’m clad in a black Louisville shirt that stretches tightly over my stomach, with a red hat to match. I also have Josh’s necklace around my neck, keeping him close despite my brothers’ disapproval for wearing something gifted by a Wildcat.

Everything looks in order, and I feel absolutely ready. But I’m not entirely too sure if my daughter is.

“Did you hear me in there?” I chuckle, reaching down to rub my usual gentle circles, “Get excited, little monkey! Now’s not the time to be sleepy. You had all day for that.”

There’s only more silence from her, causing me to roll my eyes. She’s probably giving me sass, matching the mood of everyone else in the family today.

“Don’t give me that. This is important. We have to show Josh that we’re better than him, alright? And this is pretty much your induction! It’s your step into Cardinal Nation. So I’ll ask again; are you ready?”

Nothing. I stare at myself in the mirror for a moment, my eyes tracking my stomach with furrowed brows, clutching it with both hands. This is a bit unusual, considering how much she normally moves. Maybe the day’s events have tuckered her out already, and she’s getting a little rest in before the game. Or maybe basketball just isn’t her thing, which would be…quite unacceptable.

But just as my perplexity begins to intensify, I finally feel something from her. I’m not sure if it’s a kick or a punch or what, but it’s stronger than her usual flutter. I gasp out in surprise, before rubbing my stomach, breaking into a fit of mirth.

“God, okay!” I laugh, “That’s my girl. You had me worried there for a second. I like your enthusiasm.”

I remain still for a moment, smiling at my reflection and allowing confidence and excitement to flow in. My thoughts however, are interrupted by my phone going off, vibrating on the vanity beside me. I have a pretty good guess of who it is, and sure enough, checking my screen reveals the name and face I know practically better than my own.

“Almost time!” the handsome voice chuckles through the phone once I answer, “Ready to get your asses kicked?”

“You’re pretty confident there.”

“Should I not be? The Cats are playing the Cards. I have nothing to be worried about.”

“I wouldn’t be so fucking sure.”

“You owe money to the swear jar,” he titters, “And money to me when you lose.”

“Oh, so we’re making bets now? Again, that’s pretty bold, Joshy.”

“What can I say? I always have faith in the Cats.”

“Name your stakes then, mother fucker.”

“Well, definitely not money, because all of yours will be in that jar,” he laughs, “But I don’t really have any ideas. Were you thinking of anything?”

“Getting my way with you for a week. But that’s about it.”

“Hmm, I accept that challenge,” he replies, and I can hear the grin in his voice, “And if we win, I’ll be expecting a few Cannes repeats.”

“You’re going to be one sad, lap-danced deprived loser.”

“Now who’s confident?”

“Only my entire family and I, Peanut included.”

“How can you brand an unborn baby?” he snorts.

“Because she’s mine, Josh. She’s already a Cardinal at heart. She’ll be born into the Nation.”

“Unless I can convince her that blue is a better color.”

“Joshua Ryan, I swear to-“

My voice is cut off by yet another strong movement from within, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced from Peanut. It’s almost like she’s twisting my womb, or stretching out inside me.

“-Shit!” I hiss.

“Jen?” Josh immediately inquires, his voice leaking out teasing qualities and instead filling with concern, “What happened? You okay?”

But as quickly as she started, she settles back down, the strange sensation subsiding. I blow out a sharp breath, cupping my tummy with a hand. I have to remind myself that she’s getting bigger now, taking up a lot of space in her home. So I suppose big, intense wriggles are to be expected. I chuckle, clutching the phone tighter to my ear when all is well again.

“Yeah,” I sigh out with a smile, “Peanut is just enthusiastic today, kicking and punching. That, or she was calling bullshit towards your statement as well.”

“Oh, okay,” he laughs, “You don’t know that though! Maybe she’s been disagreeing with you all this time.”

“Oh my God,” I say, my force contorting with disgust, “Of all the wrong things you’ve said tonight, that one wins.”

He laughs again, a joyous, handsome sound that always proves to be contagious. When we both settle back down, I segue to a more relaxed topic.

“I miss you though, Joshy.”

“I miss you too, babe. But I’ll be back home before you know it.”

“I know. The day just couldn’t come fast enough. It’s not the same without you here.”

“It can’t be that bad. At least you have your brothers to fight with instead of me!”

“It’s not the same!” I insistently whine, “There’s a difference between bickering over stupid topics and bullying.”

“I know,” he chuckles.

“Not to mention the bed has been much bigger, colder, and lonelier without you around.”

“Without us both heating it up, I can imagine why!” he replies, and I can hear the smug twinge to his voice.

“Fuck…” I breathe out, shutting my eyes tightly and groaning, “I miss that too. Why’d you have to bring that up?”

“Well it’s kind of a mutual suffering,” he chuckles with a shaky exhale.

“All the more reason to get your ass back home.”

“I know, hun. I’m trying to fight for coming back earlier. Aiming for this upcoming week.”

My heart clenches within me at the thought of Josh returning, and I grasp the phone a little tighter, as if figuratively holding him closer will speed up the process of bringing him back to me.

“I still don’t know though. But it’s worth a shot,” he continues.

Before I get to reply, a teasing voice sounds from elsewhere in the house, snagging my attention momentarily.

“Hey, Jen! Did you get stuck in your shirt or what? Because we’re fixing to leave!”

“Hang on, Joshy,” I say into the phone, before placing it on my shoulder and turning my head to shout towards the door, “Give me a fucking second, Blaine! I’m talking to the Wildcat.”

“All the more reason to leave you behind!” he shouts back, “You realize you’re basically cursed now? Conspiring with the enemy?”

“It’s not like I agree with his opinions! I’m not a fucking traitor.”

“It’s still bad luck. You’re too big anyway; we might end up arriving to the game late from having to roll you there.”

“Blaine, I swear to-“

Before I can unleash a barrage of expletives and insults, I pick up the scolding, murmuring tone of my mother. I smile to myself, realizing she’s likely fighting in my favor and shooting my brother down, when her voice calls up to my bedroom as well.

“Jenny Lou?”

“Yeah, Mom?”

“We do only have a few minutes left. Can you wrap it up, please hun?”

“Yes!”

“And can you tell Josh I said hi?”

“Sure, Mom!”

“And also that we’re going to kick his ass,” Ben throws in, but not without a scold from my mother and a laugh from me.

I finally put the phone back up to my ear, snickering all the while.

“Sorry, hun,” I murmur back to my boyfriend with a grin, “Getting hurried along by the family. Mom says hi, and Ben and Blaine say your ass is on the line.”

Josh laughs, and I can picture his theatrical grimace.

“Alright. Well, maybe it’s better I’m not there.”

“Yeah, I think it may be for the best. For now at least.”

I sigh, absently rubbing my stomach and glancing at the clock.

“Anyway, I think I better go, Joshy. Hate to make the brothers more anxious. They already think this call is a bad omen.”

“Okay,” Josh laughs once more, “I love you so much, baby. I hope you and Peanut have fun!”

“We will. And I love you too.”

“Also, for the record?” he adds with a titter of mirth, “Tell your brothers that it will be, in fact, your asses on the line.”

And with that, he hangs up.

I sigh, missing his voice already, leaning my forehead against the screen of my phone. I stretch my thoughts out across the country, willing him to feel my touch, my caress, my parting kiss. Thankfully, before my hormones can run completely rampant and make me an emotional wreck, my mother calls for me yet again.

“Jennifer?”

“Coming, Mom!”

I buzz around the room, giving myself one last check in the mirror and gathering my things. And with one last glance to my old room, I shut the lights and depart, carefully easing myself down the stairs. I’m about to open my mouth, to converse with my baby, when she beats me to it.

At least, I think she does…

Because the sensation rippling through my stomach is strong and well…strange. It’s so strong in fact, that I could almost call it borderline painful. So strange, that it makes me pause, halting all movements as I grasp my tummy with both hands, my brow furrowing with concern and confusion.

“What are you doing in there, Peanut?” I whisper harshly, “You’re kind of…freaking me out here.”

I remain motionless, sans my womb practically shuddering deep within me. But just as it started, it recedes, fading back to normalcy. I swallow hard, inhaling deeply a few times, trying to brush it off, to treat it as just a freak incident.

“Hooo…” I exhale, rubbing atop the ample orb with a hand, “Alright. You done? We okay now?”

Now there’s silence.

I draw my lip between my teeth, biting down in response to my escalating nerves. But before I have time to scare myself, before I have time to speculate a bunch of frightening scenarios, Blaine calls from the living room.

“Jen! We’re leaving you!”

“I’m coming! God.”

I make my way down the rest of the stairs, rounding the corner and facing my awaiting family. The second I make eye contact with my gentle mother, the second she comes over smiling and slips her arm around my back, I contemplate whether or not to tell her about the odd, new sensations I’ve been feeling.

“Come on, sweetie,” she butts into my thoughts, nudging me along, “We’ve got to go.”

“You excited, kiddo?” my dad adds.

I sigh, and cannot help but nod with a smile, pushing my concern aside.

“Yeah. Excited to call Josh bragging after we win!”

“That’s the spirit,” my dad laughs, starting to head out.

As I follow behind him, I take a moment to hype myself up again, to brush off the foreign sensation I was feeling. Peanut’s just getting big. It’s to be expected. I suppose I would be cranky too if my house was constricting me day in and day out.

So it’s probably nothing, nothing to be worried about. Today is supposed to be a fun night, a fun night with my parents and my brothers.

And so I treat as such, genuinely grinning and leaving all my worries at the door as my family and I head out.

xXx

We navigate through downtown Louisville, and after just a short drive, winding through various streets and intersections, we arrive at the YUM Center, the staple of everything basketball in my hometown.

Cardinal fans leak into the building in a trail of black and red, and my heart begins to hammer excitedly within me. I haven’t been to a large game like this in a while, either too busy with shooting or unable to fly back home for other reasons. So this is a real treat, and I get to spend it with my family.

I’m beaming as well pull up, a mixture of emotions circulating within me. Mostly excitement, a hint of anxiousness, and a little bit of nerves. This is indeed the first large public event not associated with a movie that I’ll be exposing myself to. This is indeed a place with a lot of people, a place where my stomach will be in clear view.

It’s a bit overwhelming to think about. But again, I remind myself that it needs to be done. I remind myself that I have the right to live my life however I want. I remind myself that the world will have to adjust to my pregnancy in some form or another.

And a place where I’m comfortable, relaxed, and not being directly pestered about it might be ideal.

I blow out a breath as my family begins to leave the car, taking a moment to mentally prepare myself and up my confidence. Despite how much of an asshole he normally is, my brother takes notice of my discomfort, and miraculously decides to step in.

“Hey,” Blaine murmurs, “If anything happens, I’ll be right here. Ben and I will be right here for you. Nothing is getting in your way of enjoying a Cards game, okay? This is serious business.”

I chuckle, shaking my head before gazing up at him with an appreciative smile.

“You know, even for how much you fucking bully me, you can be pretty alright sometimes, Blaine.”

“Yeah, I’m actually capable of being nice. You’d be surprised.”

“I definitely would be.”

He snorts, before offering me a hand and helping me out of the car. The second I’m on my feet, it’s no surprise that he pulls me into a bear hug, all the while being mindful of my stomach.

“Can you feel the niceness?”

“Yeah, it’s actually suffocating me,” I grumble against his chest, muffled, “So fucking let me go.”

“See, what the hell; I’m actually nice to you and this is what I get?”

“Blaine,” my mother sighs.

Knowing that we’re on a tight schedule, he releases me, but not before giving a gentle nudge to my shoulder, to which I immediately retaliate with a shove against his chest. In our twenties and we still act about ten years younger.

My mom rolls her eyes with a chuckle, before beckoning us to follow her and dad into the YUM Center. We trail behind the masses, slipping into the river of team colors and entering the home side of the large building. We try as best we can to blend in with the large crowd, but unsurprisingly, my presence draws some attention. Quite a few people stop and stare as I walk by, gawking when they come to the realization of who I am. Though it’s something that always makes me uncomfortable, being treated differently than everyone else, I make sure to smile and offer polite hellos to anyone who greets me. And when a few teenage girls ask for pictures, I do not deny them. We’re all Cardinals here after all.

After a few pauses, we finally work our way up to the luxury suite we reserved for the game. The location and solitude of the suite comforts me immensely. It’s designed in such a way that we have a perfect view of the arena, but cannot be disturbed by other fans. Though we can likely be seen by prying eyes, it’s our own little private alcove, which calms the majority of my nerves. I’ll really be able to enjoy myself now.

A few family friends are already strung about within it, and they greet us with enthusiasm. With my parents occupied, and my pregnant body a bit tired from the walk, I decide to settle in and wait for the game to start. I plop myself down in one of the plush chairs, letting out a breath as I gaze over the arena. It’s mostly filled with Cardinal fans, though I can see a few blue and white stragglers scattered about. Seeing UK fans turns my thoughts to Josh, and I pull out my phone, wanting to contact him.

“Hey, Spongy,” I text, “Watching the game yet?’

I don’t have to wait long for his reply, the notification flashing up a few seconds later.

“You know it! Have the stream turned on in my room. You at the YUM Center?”

“Yup. Just looking at all these poor UK fans who are going to be crying soon ;(“

“Ha ha,” he responds, and I can practically feel the sarcasm in his laughter, “I wouldn’t be so sure, baby. Someone’s going to be grumpy when she owes me lapdances ;)”

“Fuck you.”

“Swear jar!”

“What? How does that make any sense? I didn’t even say it!”

“I know. Better to get into a good habit though ;)”

“Whatever. Anyway, game’s about to start, and I think I’m going to conserve my texting energy so I can spam the fuck out of you once we start winning.”

“Doubt you’ll even get the opportunity, but okay. Love you! <3”

“Love you too. <3”

I let out a breath, setting my phone in my lap after our back and forth exchange, turning my eyes to the court. The game is about to start, the players readying themselves and the officials making the last preparations. Below us, the stands have escalated into a dull roar of cheering, fans from both sides getting excited and ready for the activity to begin. A lot of fans are on their feet, my family and friends include, so I opt to join them.

But the moment I go to push myself up from the chair, I’m met with that strange sensation yet again. It freezes me, my entire body clenching up in discomfort and fear, and I slowly lower myself back down. I clutch my belly tightly with both hands, my fingers trembling against my shirt as I turn my focus inwards, trying to decipher what I’m currently feeling. It’s about the same as the last one I felt, if not a tad more painful. It’s like someone is manipulating my womb from the inside out.

I grasp the arms of my chair tightly, willing the discomfort to go away, and to never return for that matter. And just like last time, it is quick to release its aching hold.

I exhale sharply, and sit still for a moment, oblivious to my surroundings as I remain in the chair, shivering softly. That’s the third strange feeling in about an hour or so. There have been multiple occurrences. And the thought is beginning to terrify me.

“Jen!”

The sudden masculine voice makes me jump slightly, breaking out of my thoughts as I whip my head upwards, meeting my eldest brother’s eyes. He must register the fear in my gaze, because his face falls as he looks me over.

“Hey,” Ben murmurs, stepping in front of me, “You alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Or a Wildcat.”

His joke calms me enough to allow me to force a smile, and I bob my head quickly.

“Yeah,” I lie, not wanting to scare him over something that might not be an issue, “Yeah I’m fine.”

But he’s not so convinced, eyeing me for a moment with his arms crossed.

“You sure about that? Because while you were sitting there in a trance, you missed the start of the game.”

My heart drops, and I lean in my chair to peer around him, only to see that the scoreboard is now alive, and the court is bustling with activity, players running about and fighting for the ball.

Shit…

“Which definitely isn’t like you,” my brother continues, obviously skeptical, “So what’s wrong, Jen?”

Again, I really don’t want to scare him over an issue that could be non-existent. It could just be Peanut stretching out inside of me, or moving in a way I’m not used to yet. It could just be heartburn, or indigestion or something. It could just be…

An excuse pops into my head, something I can use to deter him, and the words come tumbling out of my mouth before I can give another thought.

“I think I’m just hungry. Like, I’m pretty sure my stomach is digesting itself,” I murmur, trying to convince him as well as myself.

And of course, since it’s one of my very common excuses, he takes the bait, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

“Seriously, Jen? Fucking seriously?” he sighs, but I can make out the hints of a smile on his lips.

“Yes, okay? It’s not like it’s anything new, Ben! Especially when I have two people to feed instead of just one. I’m fucking starving. Can we get pizza or something?”

He groans, obviously not wanting to take his eyes off the game, and my mother slides into the conversation at his annoyance.

“What does she want?” she asks.

“Pizza. She already wants pizza.”

“This early, Jen? The game just started, hun.”

“I know. But I’m really hungry, mommy,” I reply, raising my voice an octave in order to sound innocent and sweet, hoping to sway her.

Because not only do I need to eat, but I need something more to distract me. Maybe if I focus on eating and the game, I won’t think about the weird pains. Maybe if I eat something, the weird pains will go away. I need it, and I beg my mother with my eyes, puffing out my platypus lip for extra emphasis.

She chuckles at the sight, and heaves a breath, nodding her head slowly.

“Alright. Ben, Blaine, one of you go get pizza.”

“Are you serious?” Blaine whines, “Can’t it wait until halftime?”

“No. Get your sister some pizza. It’s the least you could do for her.”

Blaine’s face contorts with grouchiness, and he eyes my older brother.

“She asked you first,” he says to Ben.

“You’re younger,” Ben fights back.

-“Alright,” my mother butts in, shutting the argument down as quickly as it started, “How about you both go get your sister pizza?”

They both stare at her with incredulous expressions, mouths agape and brows furrowed, before glaring at me. I simply shrug, gesturing to my stomach before resting both hands atop it. And knowing there’s no fighting against the situation, they both groan lousy and give in.

“Oh, hush,” my mother scoffs, “Getting pizza isn’t exactly a punishment. And you’ll all have a bite to eat! I’m sure you’ll live.”

“Whatever,” Blaine mutters, “As long as I don’t miss a half-court shot or something. You’d totally owe me, Jen.”

“What happened to being nice?”

“I said I’m capable. I didn’t mean all the time.”

I roll my eyes, but a smile crawls on to my face, the mental picture of pizza flooding my brain. I hone in on it, encasing my senses, allowing it to override all my previous worries. Never has it been such a comforting thought.

The boys head out, and I’m left alone in my thoughts, alone to watch the game and wait for their return. Despite trying to escape my tribulations, despite not wanting to think poor thoughts, the maternal side of my brain beckons, beckoning to do what I always do these days when I’m alone in my thoughts.

Converse with my daughter.

Maybe I could calm her if she’s upset. Maybe I could ease her into settling. Maybe I could stop the discomfort in its tracks.

So I inhale deeply, and begin softly rubbing and speaking as I always do.

“Hey in there,” I whisper, “Want to tell me what’s going on? This isn’t like you, baby girl…”

Nothing.

I bite my lip, rubbing a bit more feverishly, growing desperate to gauge her usual reaction.

“Peanut? Talk to me. Show me you’re there. Please, sweetheart. Please.”

Nothing.

My entire body begins to shake, tears springing into my eyes. Though I’m trying not to panic, it’s becoming very hard to do so.

“Peanut,” I whisper, my voice trembling, “Don’t do this. Please don’t do this. Move. Please move.”

Unsurprisingly, and to my utmost dread, I’m met with more motionless.

But before absolute horror can set in, I hear the clambering of my brothers coming back. I take a quick moment to compose myself, dabbing inconspicuously at my eyes and inhaling deep, shaky breaths.

When they walk up, they both pause, obviously assessing my declined condition.

“Jennifer…?” Ben begins to question.

“-I’m seriously just about to fucking pass out from hunger. Took you both long enough,” I force out.

Thankfully, my sass is enough to throw them off again.

“Are you fucking kidding me? This is the thanks we get? See if I ever do anything for you again,” Blaine scoffs.

“Whatever. Just please give me a piece,” I rasp out, groping for the box, straining to not break down.

They open the little box and I snag a slice, quickly bringing it to my mouth and sinking my teeth into it. I eat faster than usual, trying to get food into my stomach.

Maybe Peanut is just lethargic because she doesn’t have the energy.

That’s probably it.

…It has to be.

I shovel the pizza down, finishing it off and reaching for another piece. My brothers, who are both helping themselves as well, give me wide stares.

“God, you were hungry,” Ben snorts.

I simply give him a nod of acknowledgement, and focus on filling my belly, my baby’s belly, with food.

Something else snags my attention though. My phone buzzing on my lap with a notification.

A text from Josh.

“Camera pans to you, and you’re eating pizza. Typical.”

I nearly choke, coming to the dreadful realization that, not only do I have to hide my terror and pain from my family, but hundreds of thousands of people. I didn’t know the camera could pan on me up here. But apparently it can.

“They said you were basically the guest of honor. Aren’t you special? Hope you’re having fun though, babe. You look beautiful.”

There’s a slight pause, before he sneaks one last text in.

“…Go Cats ;)”

I look at my phone, before closing my eyes, allowing his voice to fill my ears, allowing his presence to bring me comfort.

“Don’t even think about talking to a Wildcat right now,” Ben playfully scolds.

“Fuck off, Ben,” I breathe, picking up my phone to respond to my boyfriend.

But the second I unlock my screen, my dad comes barreling towards my seat.

“Jennifer!” he says with a grin, oblivious to my problems just like everyone else, “A few officials granted you the opportunity to lead the Cards in the next cheer. I know you always wanted to when you were little, so whatdya say, kiddo? Are you comfortable enough?”

I stare at him with wide, unblinking eyes, trying to process what was just said. I have to get up, walk down to the edge of our suite, and basically the entire arena in a cheer. I have to expose myself. Normally, it wouldn’t be an issue, even with the rumors of my pregnancy circulating around.

Because yes, I’ve always wanted to have a role in the festivities at a Cardinals game. I’ve always wanted to savor the feeling of being a fan, enjoy that connection back to my hometown and my life before my taxing career. So in any other circumstances, I would accept right away.

This is different. This is far different. I’m trying so hard not to expose myself, trying so hard to make my troubles known. But with multiple pairs of curious eyes boring into my head, awaiting an answer, I know what I have to say. Shooting down the idea would just lead to even more suspicion. I have to rough it out.

“Yeah!” I say with forced enthusiasm, straining to keep my voice even and my smile up, “Are you kidding me? Sign me up.”

Everyone around me grins, buying into the act, and my dad chuckles before offering me a hand to pick me up.

“That’s my girl! Hopefully Josh won’t be too upset with you.”

“He’ll live,” I breathe, and take my dad’s hand, slowly easing my body upwards. The second I’m upright, he pulls me into a gentle hug, before nudging me off in the direction of the railing separating our suite from the rest of the stands.

“Knock’ em dead,” he laughs, and I strain out a titter of mirth in return, before taking cautious steps towards the railing. I take my time, so that I can channel my thoughts down towards my womb, towards my daughter.

“Alright. You have a full little belly in there. I’m walking, taking you for a ride. And I’m about to cheer. So you should be able to move now, right?”

I don’t get a reply from her in the time it takes me to reach the railing. Fortunately, my thoughts are directed elsewhere, as I hear the MC announce me over the loudspeaker, thousands of eyes looking my way as a result.

I inhale deeply, flash a smile, and wave to the crowd, before throwing in the Louisville “L” for good measure. The Cardinals in the arena cheer, and I get numerous L’s back in return. If any Wildcats are booing, we drown them out, because I begin to pump my hand, and cry out one of our renowned cheers.

I have to admit, it’s very refreshing and fun, to have the Cardinal Nation follow my lead and sing out against the Cats. And it’s even more empowering when I think about how my boyfriend is likely watching as well. My smile becomes genuine in the moment, grinning as the loud chant booms all across the YUM Center.

But in a moment, everything changes.

I finally feel something from inside the depths of my stomach, but it’s nothing I would have asked for. It’s definitely not Peanut moving. It’s definitely not indigestion. It’s definitely not heartburn.

It’s a sudden, foreign, intense pain that radiates as an agonizing earthquake from my womb’s epicenter. My first reaction is to clutch my stomach, to double over, to sob from the confusion and terror of it all. But the continuous yells of my fellow Cardinals keep me grounded, keep me focused, keep me aware of my surroundings.

I fight to keep any visible hurt off my face, straining to keep a smile as I ride the distress out. But inwardly I am groaning in pain, inwardly I am sobbing in anguish, inwardly I am yelping in horror.

Because this solidifies it. This solidifies my fears, locking them into place, making them valid. Peanut hasn’t moved. I’m experiencing pain, pain that is escalating rather quickly. I experienced multiple episodes, which are beginning to multiply in number.

All signs are pointing to a single conclusion. And that conclusion, is that something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

With the episodic pains, my brain hypothesizes labor. But it can’t be labor. It cannot be. Peanut isn’t due for almost another month and a half. I’ve had no other signs of impeding labor either, no complications that would point to such.

If I was only experiencing pains, that would be my main guess. But the far more troubling reality, is that my baby girl hasn’t moved. Or I haven’t felt a movement in quite some time, despite multiple types of stimulation from the outside world. She’s normally an energetic baby. She’s normally full of life, wiggling and kicking and God knows what else inside of me.

But tonight, she’s the opposite. I feel a void where I should feel vitality. I feel pain where I should feel gentleness.

So the scenario that my brain comes up with next, despite my absolute and utmost efforts to keep my composure, sends tears pooling into my eyes. My maternal inflicts flare up violently, screaming at me to tell my family that something is wrong, screaming at me to lift myself up out of the darkness and get help.

Because if there’s any chance that my baby girl is still alive, any chance that she’s still healthy, I need to take the nearest opportunity and do something to intervene.

I back away from the crowd, using every last bit of my strength to maintain a smile before I turn away from their prying eyes. I know a camera could be following me though. I know people could still be watching my every move, despite the game starting back up behind me. So I bite back my cries, hold myself upright, using my utmost effort to not stampede the herd.

I shuffle slowly over to my brothers, the pain in my stomach subsiding, but twinging all the while. They smile initially as I approach, but the moment they catch sight of my facial expression, my posture, their faces contort into great alarm.

Blaine takes a lurching step towards me, but I cut off his actions.

“-Don’t,” I whimper, “Don’t make it too obvious.”

He freezes in confusion more than anything, and Ben takes this as his cue to walk towards me, a little more casual than Blaine had attempted.

“Jen, what is it? What’s wrong?” he asks in a rush, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“I…I don’t know…” I weep, my composure cracking, a few tears leaking through with the break.

“What-“ Blaine begins, but again, I cut him off.

“I…I want…Mom…”

Almost like they were summoned at the immediate sign of my discomfort, my parents rush quickly out from the back of the suite, their faces contorted with distress as well.

“Careful,” Ben warns, “The cameras could turn on us at any second. But something is up.”

They both straighten out, walking over to me with fixed neutral expressions as if the world isn’t crashing down around all of us right now. Dad reaches me first, and he pulls me into a soft hug, stroking a comforting hand up and down my back.

“What’s wrong, sweetie? What’s the matter?” he whispers, his voice thick with concern.

“P-Peanut,” I hiccup against his chest, sobs beginning to choke up my voice.

I can practically feel the tension and worry escalate in the air around us, my entire family tensing up immensely.

“Labor?” my mother asks in a tone barely above a whisper, her eyes wide.

“No, I- ,” I swallow down a sob, heaving against my father’s shirt, “I can’t…It’s too early…And…”

My voice cuts off with a gasp, the thought practically painful to utter.

“What? What sweetheart?” she presses, gentle yet urgent.

“She’s…she’s not moving…” I moan, the words burning my very soul.

It seems like the world around me comes to a grinding halt, my entire family freezing up as the potent, frightening words sink in. It almost seems like my dad stops breathing, his hand still on my back and his entire form going ridged.

But my mother is the defibrillator, shocking us all back to life.

“Okay,” she says with a shaky breath, “Let’s not…Let’s not panic. We don’t know what’s going on. But we need to get her out of here…To the nearest hospital…”

“The university hospital is the closest,” Blaine replies.

“We need to get Jen there as quickly as possible.”

“We can’t make a scene though. How do we get her-“

“-I could take her,” Blaine interrupts our older brother, “I could walk her out, just the two of us inconspicuously, and rush her there.”

The rest of the family takes a moment to consider this, but Blaine, to my relief, has zero patience.

“There’s no time!” he insists, “We don’t have time to sit around and contemplate. Please let me take her.”

“Alright,” my dad says, slipping me over to my brother, “Go. Be careful, but hurry.”

“Keep us updated. We’ll probably be caught up for a while,” my mother adds, her voice shaky, “So yes, go…”

Blaine nods, and with permission granted, springs into action. He leaves my side for just a moment, only to grab my coat, and quickly helps me put it on. He then puts the hood up, concealing most of my face away from view. And with one last frightened, sorrowful look to our parents and Ben, he slips an arm around my back, keeping me glued to his side as he leads me out.

“Tell me if we’re walking too fast,” he murmurs as we depart the suite.

But I barely hear him, tears dripping down my cheeks as he tugs me along.

Everything inside of me is crying out in pure agony. It’s like a black void has opened up, and released the sound of pure suffering from within.

Because this can’t be happening. This cannot be happening. After everything I’ve been through, after all the pain I’ve endured over the past seven months or so, this is absolutely unthinkable.

I cannot be losing my baby girl.

The thought seems more excruciating than death itself. I would willingly give my own life to her if it meant keeping her alive. The thought of losing her, of actually letting her precious being slip away and not being able to do anything about it, utterly kills me, unravels every bit of my fibrous soul.

I haven’t even met her. I haven’t had the opportunity to lay eyes on her unscathed face, on her pure form. I’m being ripped away from the one part of me that is completely untainted.

She hasn’t had the chance to live. She hasn’t had the chance to grace the world with her presence, to fill our family with her vivacity and spirit.

We’ve fought so hard together, hand in hand. And now the battle is going to be lost before she has the opportunity to win.

So by the time we make it out to car, past the sea of curious eyes, I’m openly wailing. Blaine helps me into the passenger side, and I catch the look of utter devastation and worry on his face before he walks around to the driver’s seat.

“Give me your hand, Jen.”

I’m crying harder than I believed possible, my entire body heaving with my sobbing efforts, and my eyes open faucets of moisture. But still, I comply, shakily sliding my fingers into his. He squeezes tightly, reassuringly. His grasp does not leave mine as he begins to drive, white knuckling the wheel with his other.

My own free hand travels to rest on my stomach, my fingers trembling against the fabric of my shirt. I hold my abdomen as if my touch will force life back into my infant, as if I can transfer some of my strength.

“Peanut…” I sob, begging, as if it’ll have some effect, “Peanut please…please no…”

“Shhh,” my brother soothes, though I can hear the strain in his voice, “Hang on. We’ll get to the hospital soon. Just hang on.”

“What if…What if she doesn’t make…”

“Shhhhh. You don’t know anything for sure. Try and stay calm.”

I’m heaving and gasping and bawling, tears soaking my face and my body convulsing with cries.

“Take some deep breaths,” Blaine continues to pacify, somehow keeping a level head for me in this awful situation, squeezing my hand warmly as he continues, “We’ll be there soon. It’ll…”

He hesitates, as if he doesn’t fully believe what he says next.

“…It’ll be okay…”

But he doesn’t know that. I don’t know that. None of us do.

So the thought sets me off, my cries intensifying in volume. Blaine must realize that his words are of little help, so he remains silent, simply squeezing and rubbing my hand.

My head lulls back against the seat, turning my gaze skyward and asking anyone who could possibly listening, what the hell I did to deserve this. I collapse inwards on myself, falling deep into an ebony chasm, my world filled with nothing but the thought of my dying child.

So when I hear the ringing of a phone, if sounds distant, drawing no response from me whatsoever. It’s not significant to me. Nothing is, here and now, except for my daughter.

The only thing that snags my attention, if only for a moment, is the introduction of a cold emptiness where my brother’s hand used to be.

Somewhere through my haze, I can hear Blaine’s voice, first questioning, and later grim. I can hear the squawking of the person on the opposing end, first hard to make out and then escalating with desperation.

I fight to make sense of what I’m hearing, fight to clear my head and listen over the sound of my own crying.

But a fresh, episodic pain robs me of my chance. This one is stronger than any I’ve had combined, practically squeezing my innards in a vice. I cry out loudly, mostly in fear, but also in pain, both hands grasping my stomach tightly. I rock in the seat, willing for it to stop, willing for it to go away, willing for this all to be a terrible nightmare.

Blaine speaks urgently in the background, and the voice on the other end speaks with equal fervor. I continue thrashing about, groaning and sobbing and begging for mercy.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, a new sensation comes into play.

It’s so sudden and unexpected that it practically silences me. My sobs shift to gasping hiccups. My once-squinted eyes widen to dinner plates. My once convulsing body bolts upright. And before I can think about modesty or anything of the sort, my curious hand breaches the seam of my pants, chasing after the feeling.

At the apex of my thighs, both my suspicion and my dread are confirmed; my fingers brush against a wetness. I feel for any abnormalities, anything that could hint at a different diagnosis then what I truly fear.

There’s nothing of the sort, so I slowly pull my hand back upwards, examining it in the low light provided by buildings and streetlights outside the car.

What I’m met with makes me go dizzy instantly. I almost black out at the sight, my free hand traveling up to grasp my mouth.

“Jennifer?” Blaine gasps despite his phone call, obviously sending my change in mood, “Jen, what-”

His voice trails off, and I can feel his gaze upon me, staring at my trembling form, my single raised hand.

And for some reason, I utter out the words that hammer in the fear for both of us.

“Blaine…I’m…I’m bleed-…There’s…There’s blood…”

My crimson-stained fingers shine like a deadly beacon. My brother practically spasms, his phone sliding from his grasp, his jaw falling agape and trembling on its own accord.

And that’s it for me. That’s it.

I flash back to a movie I shot a few years prior, a scene I dreaded to film carrying frightening resemblance to this. So I know how this ends. I know what’s going on.

She’s dying.

I essentially go catatonic, falling limp against the seat as my mouth falls open in a silent scream, the amount of pain I want to portray in my voice too much for my vocal chords to even produce.

Blaine starts rambling urgent things to me. The soul trapped inside the dropped phone continues to cry out desperately. But none of it registers. None of it breaches.

Every bit of me completely shuts down. My surroundings fade out to a mixture of red and black. I feel like I die myself.

I don’t remember anything else. Nothing else sinks in until I feel a sensation of weightlessness.

Am I going to join my daughter, I wonder? But the thought is destroyed as another pain brings me back to earth, reminds me of my place.

I suddenly become aware that we’ve arrived at the emergency room. And that my valiant brother has me scooped up in his arms, sprinting into the building and shouting for anyone who will answer.

“We need a doctor! Please, my sister needs a doctor! She needs help!”

And as a rush of activity flurries around us, coming to our aid, I’m not sure if I’ve found my salvation, or entered my hell.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #joshifersource #joshiferrecs #Jennifer Lawrence fanfiction #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #tw: stillbirth

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

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These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Eighteen

A/N: Oh my goodness gracious. Yes hi hello, I’m getting incredibly emotional. This chapter brings us to the pivotal turning point of the story. This chapter lays down the groundwork for everything that happens next. This is the start of a crazy ride, let me tell you all. I cannot wait to share this part of the journey, and thank you to everyone who has stuck around thus far. You’re in for quite a jostle lol!

But nothing like a few fluffy lemons before that point, am I right?

As usual, big thank you to my readers for being so supportive and so enthusiastic towards this story. All of your responses and feedback are greatly appreciated, so I applaud you greatly. You all are my muse lol!

And of course, huge thanks to catching-dandelions, who is just as much of a mess as I am right now. She knows. She knows lol.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooooo….

For the first time in multiple months, for the first time since the entire ordeal started, I do something practically foreign to me. An action I thought I was entirely incapable of, a state I never once pictured myself in the moment my world flipped upside down.

I relax. And God, if it doesn’t feel absolutely wonderful. I needed this like nothing else.

Instead of fretting over Nick, the press, my career, I shove it all away, focusing on loved ones and loved ones only. I shut out absolutely everything concerning the tainted industry and all the shit that goes with it.

I pay no mind to the increase of articles about me and my pregnancy, the questioning that is circling around in a vicious cyclone. I don’t venture out anywhere that may expose me to questioning fans or paparazzi who practically thirst for my blood. I slowly come down from the high of promoting a movie for a solid month.

And I begin to slowly shut down, easing myself into a content, dormant state. I need it to make up for all the fear, the worry, the anxiety, the pain…I need to enjoy myself, take advantage of these last moments. I need to recharge my batteries, focusing on happiness, love, and peacefulness in these next few months.

Because sooner than I know, my life will be joined by another. I will no longer be responsible for myself and myself only. I will have a daughter, a daughter all my own. And I will give my life to her. I will ensure that she grows up in the best way I can offer, that she grows up perfectly cheerful and safe.

It will be difficult, I’m sure. I still have so many things to learn, so many things I need to prepare for. But thankfully, I’m not, and will not, be alone in this; I have Josh by my side.

…Well, at least, almost.

It’s December now. I’ve savored a few weeks with my boyfriend, never tiring of his sweet company. We’ve remained in Kentucky thus far, Josh tired of traveling, and I wanting to spend the months leading up to Peanut’s birth with my family in tow. And it has been an endless cycle of teasing, laughing, kissing, and intimacy ever since the promotion wrapped.

But unfortunately, someone hit us with a pause button.

I sigh, pressed up against the icy pane of glass, my breath puffing intricate designs against the frost as my thoughts continue.

Josh was asked to tend to some public relation matters with Paradise Lost. And that means he’ll have to leave me, our time spent together interrupted when we never intended for it to be.

He tried to fight back, insisting upon staying with me and not leaving my side for a second. But his publicist and agents fought harder, drilling him that the movie needs a helping hand, a beacon to capture the attention of the wandering audience eye. And he had no choice but to reluctantly accept.

Another long breath escapes my lips, my eyes fluttering shut.

He’ll be gone for a few weeks. It will be hard without him, but I assured him not to worry, not to get in trouble with his job. I assured him that I would fare okay without him, and that he needn’t worry, that I would still have the company of my family.

My blue gaze slowly joins the living once more, and I track it downwards to rest upon my quite round stomach.

And I assured him that Peanut and I would be just fine, and would await his return.

After many similar conversations, we’ve finally convinced each other that all will be well, and have been making the best of our last few days together before the little hiatus.

Just like that, a warm presence snaking around me breaks me out of my deep thoughts, a smile stretching across my face without delay.

“So sweetheart,” Josh chuckles, hooking his chin on my shoulder and threading his arms around my stomach, holding me close, “Are you just going to keep staring majestically out the window the entire night or can we actually do something Christmas-y here?”

“Shut up. Excuse me for believing you were still struggling with bringing all the decorations down.”

“I didn’t exactly see you leaping to help me!” he laughs, and softly nips my neck in response, drawing out a stifled gasp.

“Um-,” I gesture to my stomach dramatically with both hands, “-heavy lifting?”

“Right right; excuses excuses.”

“Joshua Ryan, if you really want to trigger my labor this early, then please, be my guest.”

“You got me there,” he chuckles softly, continuing to press gentle kisses to my upper back and neck, “Not exactly the Christmas present I’d like to give you.”

“I would fucking hope not!”

“No,” he laughs, pivoting me slowly in his arms and giving me that handsome crooked grin, “Definitely not. I’d actually love to give you your real presents, but we kind of need a decorated tree to do that. It’s not the same without one.”

“You’re so cheesy,” I snicker, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to his lips, “But fine.”

He grins very much like a little kid on Christmas morning, ironically enough, and with one last tender peck to my lips, tugs me towards the bare tree.

We made the decision to celebrate Christmas early, tucked away in his Union home. We figured since he wouldn’t be around for the actual date, why not experience it with one another anyway? We’ve always been ones for messing with the system.

So with holiday music blaring, non-alcoholic eggnog chilling, and the fireplace crackling, we begin our work on sprucing the place up, adding jovial décor wherever we see fit. We laugh and tease each other, Josh chuckling when I scowl at all his UK ornaments, and giggling at him myself when get my hands on his older family decorations, baby pictures and embarrassments galore.

We work feverishly, only stopping occasionally for eggnog breaks in the kitchen. The tree slowly but surely comes to life, ornaments and tinsel garnishing it and giving it that festive flare. But before long, Josh’s living room is alight with Christmas magic, an array of colors dancing across the space. The lights on the tree twinkle as a rainbow of stars, the fire lets off a homey glow, and the blue tint of the winter moon sifts in through the window. It’s perfect, absolutely perfect.

I flop on to the couch to admire our work, and to give myself a rest, my body quick to tire these days. My hands drift down to my swollen tummy, rubbing in a mindless, rhythmic pattern as I gaze around the room. Josh is quick to join, sitting down beside me and tugging me close, his arm laced around my shoulder and our bodies snuggled together.

“We did good.”

“Yeah. Made the place feel like Christmas a few weeks early. Thanks for helping me.”

“You’re welcome. Though now I’m exhausted as hell.”

Josh chuckles, leaning close to gingerly kiss my cheek.

“Really? Already? The night’s still young! That doesn’t sound like the Nitro I know.”

“Well, Nitro has turned into a fucking whale.”

“No, not a whale.” My gaze softens, as if I actually believe he’s being sweet. But that changes in the next second, my soft stare morphing into a glare at his following words. “More like Santa Clause.”

“Joshy!” I gasp, smacking his shoulder with a hand.

“What?” he laughs, “Just trying to keep up the Christmas spirit!”

“You’re such an idiot. God.”

I puff out my bottom lip, giving him my platypus pout as I look down at myself in dismay, and he chuckles, nestling closer.

“I’m just messing with you, hun. You know I think you’re beautiful.”

“Whatever.”

“I’m serious!” he laughs, and cups my stomach with a hand, “Your cute belly especially.”

“Ugh,” I snort out, crinkling my nose but fighting a smile.

“It’s gorgeous. You’re gorgeous. Every part of you.”

He begins to rub soft circles, and I sigh, flitting my gaze downwards to watch his movements. I feel like I’ve gotten so much bigger recently. What started out as just a slight rounding has ballooned outwards, my stomach carrying the stereotypical fullness of a mother to be. It was expected, my last checkup informing me that my baby will be quick to gain weight in this portion of my pregnancy. But that doesn’t mean I’ve fully come to terms with the fact.

I feel larger, heavier, not much like myself anymore. And it’s made me the slightest hint of self-conscious, especially when Josh and I grow intimate, when he lays eyes upon my bare body.

I haven’t mentioned anything because he hasn’t, his arousal and attraction towards me still plenty evident. But it seems like a good time to voice my concerns, nestled comfortably against him in the calm, quiet atmosphere of his home.

“I don’t feel like it,” I mutter.

“How come?”

“Because I’m fucking huge, Josh.”

He lets out a huff of laughter, tugging me closer with the arm that’s still laced around my shoulder.

“You’re pregnant, not huge. You have an entire baby inside of you,” he chuckles, almost incredulously.

“Wow, thanks for that newsflash,” I snort with a roll of my eyes, and he gives me that melting, crooked grin, “But yeah yeah, I know; Peanut is starting to take up every inch of my stomach. She’s growing. I get it. That’s great. I’m just not so hot about the idea of me growing.”

“I attest, babe; you’re beautiful,” he murmurs, the warm grin on his face not faltering, “You’re so fucking beautiful. I can see why they say pregnant women glow, because you’re practically a diamond.”

Again, I roll my eyes, this time at his corniness. He seems to take notice, tittering with mirth, softly caressing my shoulder.

“You’re just saying that…”

“I’m really not.”

“You haven’t been faking it? Just to make me feel better about myself?”

Now his smile falters, falling slightly as hazel intensely wanders through blue.

“Jen, where is all of this coming from? You haven’t been uncomfortable before. Did something happen?”

“No, it’s just…It’s because I haven’t changed this much before, Josh. I was pretty stable for months, then November hit, and boom, fucking basketball stomach.”

His lips twitch slightly at my comparison, but he manages to hold on to his composure for my sake, focusing himself back in.

“It’s been a progression. Every morning, I would feel a bit bigger, a bit fuller. Every morning, I would look at myself in the mirror and see a change,” I continue, my voice beginning to strain, “I trying not to let it bother me. But you know me, emotional and anxious as hell. I started thinking things like, ‘What if Josh doesn’t think I’m beautiful anymore? What if he sees me differently?’”

I can feel tears swirling in the depths of my eyes, and I bury my face into his shoulder, struggling to get my rampant hormones and emotions under control. Josh doesn’t say anything, or really react for that matter, simply continuing to hold me and idly rub my arm. So I bite my lip, turning my face inward and hiding away.

“It’s fucking stupid, I know…”

I wait for him to say something, wait for him to console me in ways only he can. But there’s only more silence between us, the only audible sounds being the crackling fire and the Christmas continuing to play on a low volume. My anxiety kicks up a few notches, tears building up and creating a glassy film over my vision. I start to speculate that I was right all along, that my thoughts are indeed valid.

But his mouth against my neck cuts an immediate hole through those terrible assumptions. I gasp at the sudden introduction of his supple lips, his warm breath, his tender kisses, squirming slightly at the touch. He carries on with his journey, tracing along my collar bone, before scraping with his teeth, seldom pressing harder for the occasional nibble.

Shivers of pleasure manifest at my neck and shoot down my spine to my extremities, flooding my body with warmth. But while it’s appreciated however, it’s random, my brow furrowing as the tears within my eyes subside.

“J-,” my voice catches when he moves upward, his teeth claiming my earlobe instead. I cannot help but give myself into the feeling momentarily, moaning softly at the heat, at the tingling feeling that results from every nip.

He soon offers me mercy, trailing his kisses to my cheek, and I’m able to work up enough strength to find my voice again.

“…Joshy?” I rasp out, my voice barely above a whisper as he continues his passionate assault, questioning and soft.

Oddly enough, he halts at the sound of my voice, his lips stilling against my skin. He hoists his head away from mine, and I turn towards him slightly, just enough to lock our gazes. I can practically see the ebony overtaking the hazel, dripping in and submerging his irises in darkness, and his intentions become perfectly clear.

“I want to show you how beautiful I think you are,” he whispers, his voice intense, lustful.

I shut my eyes at his tone, trembling slightly, wanting so badly to argue but finding no power left in my being to do so. I’m incapable of doing anything else, but giving myself to him. My head lolls back against the couch cushions, a heavy sigh escaping my lips. And he’s right back to fill the gap, picking right back in where he left off.

His mouth is upon my neck again, and this time I can feel his lips tipped upward in a smug smirk, his stubble and kisses tickling me as he traverses along. Soon, he’s made his way back up to my face again, but this time he hovers over for a moment, smiling, before leaning down and pressing us together in the perfect fit, our mouths conjoined.

I accept the kiss gratefully, and I cannot help but smile back against him, allowing his touch, his body, his presence, to lead me away from my troubles. He traces the seam of my bottom lip with his tongue, silently begging me for access, and I do not deny him. I gape against him, allowing him to slip inside where he pleases. His tongue meets mine, softly at first, then more domineering.

The kiss deepens, intensifies, our bodies alighting and giving way to a growing flame. Our lips glide and slide at a near constant rate, soft moans and sighs emitting from our throats. My stagnant hands wake up and begin to wander, pressing against Josh’s sculpted chest before hiking upwards, trailing up his neck only to clasp behind his head. I tug on his brown strands, coaxing him closer, and the moan he releases into my mouth sends a shudder deep into my lower abdomen.

He reaches up with both hands to cup my face, holding my cheeks as he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, worrying it between his teeth and teasing it all the while. I whimper against him, a dull ache throbbing between my legs in response, coupled with a slick heat. We’ve been intimate enough to know what makes each other tick, know how to make our bodies come alive. And with my pregnant libido still firing violently, it doesn’t take much to set me off.

Josh knows this, and must be just as needy as I, because his hands depart from my face, trailing down my body before settling on the hem of my shirt. A twinge of uneasiness manifests in the back of my head, and crawls out, making itself known. Because I realize that ridding my shirt means exposing my body, my stomach.

Josh has seen my body countless times. I’m sure he has it practically memorized. But still riding high on my previous emotions, I cannot help but swallow thickly, breaking our kiss to stare at him worriedly. He takes notice, and slows his pace, momentarily lessening his neediness to offer me tenderness. He presses soft kisses all across my face, and with each one, he whispers a different, loving phrase.

“You’re gorgeous-“

He moves from my cheek to my nose.

“You’re beautiful-“

He shifts to my other cheek.

“You’re stunning-“

He presses a soft kiss back on to my lips.

“You’re mesmerizing.”

A surge of heat rushes into my cheeks at his sentiments, and I find myself biting my lip and avoiding his gaze, fighting against the growing ghost of a smile. What the hell did I do to deserve him.

He seems pleased with my response, grinning crookedly once more and whispering against my lips.

“I’ll prove it to you.”

Losing ourselves in another passionate kiss, Josh takes the opportunity to rid me of the first bit of clothing. His bundles the fabric of my shirt between his fingers, and hoists it slowly upwards. I lift my arms up, and our kiss breaks momentarily as he lifts it upwards and off.

I don’t have time to be embarrassed or start thinking poorly of myself, because within seconds, Josh is staring at me like I’m the world. He rakes his gaze over my breasts, my stomach, my entire exposed torso and abdomen, his entire face lighting up as if he’s found his salvation. I feel myself blushing immensely, his sincerity becoming clearer and clearer. But of course, he has to proclaim it once more, leaning forward with the intent of latching his mouth to my neck.

“So fucking beautiful…”

He nibbles repeatedly against my sensitive skin, and I practically spasm beneath him, my entire body responding to his touch. My hips slowly begin to rock forward, grinding against the cushions and seeking something only Josh can bring. I whimper his name among the gasps and breathy moans I’m releasing, and he doesn’t keep me waiting.

His strong yet gentle hands reach around my backside, fiddling with the clasp of my bra for a moment before unhooking it entirely, pulling the garment forward and then tossing it aside. And the way his pupils dilate, the way I can practically see his breath catch, opens a floodgate between my thighs.

He licks his lips slowly, purposely, flitting his tongue out from his mouth and slowly running it across his bottom lip, staring at me intently. It’s like a tease of sorts, visions of what he can do with that tongue surging through my mind. He knows the effect he’s having me. He knows how distracted I’m getting, how needy I am for him. But still I make it known, bucking my hips towards him.

“Joshy…” I whine, groping at his back and urging him closer.

He chuckles deeply, giving me a lewd grin, before sinking down against the couch, lowering himself down my body.

Instead of using his hands, he addresses my breasts immediately with his mouth, huffing hot air against my nipples and urging them into stiff peaks. I groan deep in the back of my throat, craving him more and more with every passing second, the whole idea of my self-depreciation quickly fading into nothingness. He then licks at the rosy bud, flicking at one repeatedly again and again. I expect him to caress my other with his free hand, but he does something that surprises me entirely.

He reaches down and trails his fingertips along the taut skin of my stomach, just barely teasing and grazing the surface.

It’s a very intimate and arousing touch, seeing him give attention to the part I was feeling so self-conscious over. And with the mixture of sensations, the tickling of his hands, the electrifying twinges from his teeth, the warmth of his body near mine, my cries begin to harmonize with the crackling of the fire beside us, filling the room with a sweet melody.

Josh sucks harshly, and the tenderness that results has me moaning loudly, my panties likely entirely soiled by now.

“Please,” I beg, desperate for more, desperate for him to tend to other areas of my deprived body.

He releases my breast with a soft smack, gazing up at me for a moment before reaching behind me. His arms lace tightly around my backside, and he tugs me into his lap, sitting me atop his pelvis, my legs straddled on either side. I then become evident of his arousal, his hardness sitting constrained beneath me, locked away beneath layers of fabric.

I lean forward to kiss him again, sucking on his bottom lip as I gyrate my hips atop him, grinding my sex into his. We both moan at the feeling, our bodies trembling and reacting to the intense touch, despite the barriers of clothing that remain.

But when I try and push myself further into him, my stomach proves to be a problem after all, wedging awkwardly between us as I try and get close. It snaps me out of my lustful haze, bringing me back into reality for a moment, and my mind darkens as the negative thoughts threaten to breach.

Something flashes in Josh’s gaze though, something unrecognizable but lascivious all the while. And before I can question what that thing may be, he’s easing me up and off the couch. His name builds in my throat, but dies when his hands find the seam of my pants, his fingers grasping both my pants and panties. He tugs them both quickly down, and I shimmy them off, aiding with the removal.

I can feel the heat of the fire as I stand in my feminine glory before him, the warmth licking my skin and matching the temperature within. Josh lets out a heavy, shaky breath at the sight of me, a visible shudder rolling through him. Just when I think he’s about to leap back upon me however, he surprises me yet again.

He lowers himself backwards on to the carpet, and tugs both of my wrists, beckoning me to follow him down. I do without complaint, but my brows furrow slightly, unaware of his exact intentions. My thighs are wet as I move, slipping together and shimmering with my arousal. Josh seems to focus on this, licking his lips once more, before lying back completely on his living room floor, pulling me to straddle his chest.

I sit naked atop his clothed torso, processing what’s about to happen. And when he gives me a smug stare, his hands reaching around to grasp beneath my ass and scooch me forward, it clicks in a wanton epiphany.

“Oh, Josh,” I breathe, my insides clenching at the thought, paired with a rush of moisture.

But of course, arousal isn’t the only thing to leak; the bad thoughts do as well. My brain tells me I’m going to fucking break his jaw or something, uncertainty clouding my thoughts and making the situation dim.

“Josh I…I don’t think I-“

“Baby,” he murmurs, his voice low and incredibly sexy, “Shh. Let me show you.”

I bite my lip, shuddering atop him. And finally, the incredible temptation proves to be too much, my boyfriend tugging me into ecstasy, both pulling my mind away from any doubt, and my aching center to his eager, awaiting mouth.

The feel of his stubble and warm, wet breaths against me is enough to send my hips bucking, a hoarse moan escaping me already. I feel his mouth shift beneath me- I know he’s smiling- before he situates me perfectly, keeping a grip on the back of my thighs.

And the moment his lips come in contact, the moment he tastes me, my cry breaks the comfortable silence.

He’s pleasured me with his mouth before, but never like this. There’s something about riding his face, grinding myself against his jaw, that makes the situation all the more arousing. Intense pleasure radiates upwards from the epicenter, taking me by storm and getting my hips rolling into him already, the feeling almost too much to bare.

He vibrates his lips against my second pair, before beginning work with his tongue, flicking it repeatedly and gathering up my moisture. It isn’t long before he locates my clit however, and he shifts to cover the area entirely with his mouth, sucking and creating a pressure that makes me delirious.

“Fuck…Oh, fuck, Josh!”

I’m grinding into him, my legs shaking and barely holding the rest of my body up. My back arches with every advance he makes, my cries growing louder and louder all the while. The dull ache between my legs has become a roar, my body beginning to coil and threatening to give way. Every pass of his lips draws me tantalizing close. Every flick of his tongue draws me ever nearer to that precipice. Every hum and groan from his throat invites me to make the leap.

I feel a hand slip away from my thighs, and he reaches up for one of my hands, which had been hanging limp and useless at my side. He laces our fingers tightly together and holds me steady, proving to be my rock no matter what the situation.

I’m panting, wailing, thrashing atop him. I’m so close, so very close, the pleasure intense and indescribable. And when he croons against me, a mixture of scratchiness and vibrations, the intoxicating sound of his voice muffled between my legs, I can only give in to his request.

“Come for me, sweetheart.”

I burst more violently than the flames in the hearth. I light up more brilliantly than the hundreds of lights dotting the tree. I sing out my ecstasy higher than the music emitting from the speakers.

I have to fight not to clench my thighs around his head, my body jerking and seizing against my will, my insides clenching and releasing over and over. My head falls back as I continue to keen, and despite my eyes being tightly shut, a vast array of colors flashes before my vision. I can feel wetness seeping, but Josh continues his efforts, lapping up every last drop and licking me clean.

When the last convulsions release their hold, when I finally flee from my boyfriend’s glorious torment, I am completely satiated. I practically wheeze, feeling very much like a rag doll, and flop down off of him, slipping off his face and collapsing on to my side. I melt into the carpet, breathing harshly and inhaling deep lungfuls of air as I recover from my utmost high, the way Josh pleasures me completely unprecedented.

I hear him chuckle softly, his lips smacking together, likely savoring my taste. He then presses up behind me, his front conforming to my backside in the perfect fit, pulling our bodies flush together.

“Feeling beautiful yet?” he whispers in my ear, the vapors of his breath tickling and gentle.

“Yes…Fuck you,” I groan, because if I wasn’t exhausted before, I certainly am now, and I also know there’s no arguing the point anymore. Josh has made his opinion completely clear; he definitely won.

He laughs quietly, peppering my exposed, balmy skin with kisses.

“Wow, that’s the thanks I get? Harsh.”

Something about his words wake me up again, making me aware of my surroundings and bringing me back in tune with my senses. With his front pressed up against my naked backside, I can clearly feel his engorged length, straining against his jeans and fighting for a way out. Yet again, he put my pleasure and release above his, focusing on me in the most generous manner possible.

And though I am indeed tired, I feel the debt needs to be repaid. I can’t leave him hanging. I love him so much and appreciate everything he does for me. So I’ll definitely return the favor, holding him above my own needs.

“How do you know that wasn’t an offer?” I murmur, gyrating my ass against him.

I hear his breath catch, and he clears his throat, almost as if to cover it.

“Fuck, Jen,” he groans, his composure beginning to deteriorate, “Are you sure?”

I huff at his continued selflessness, and my push myself into a seated position so I can look at him. Holding his gaze, I reach forward boldly with a hand, tracing the outline of his burgeoning erection through his jeans.

“When have I ever not been?”

He lets out a few strained huffs of laughter, likely catching the deeper meaning behind my words. And after a tense moment between us, our arousal growing and the heat in the room mounting, we both give back in.

My hands reach for Josh’s, and I tug the both of us back to our feet. The moment we’re both standing again, my lips find his without the slightest delay. I moan softly through the kiss, still able to taste myself on his tongue, and thread my fingers behind his head, pulling him as close as I can manage.

I immediately grow frustrated with the fabric barriers blocking me from his body, and work quickly to amend it. My fingers reach for his shirt much like he had with mine, and I tug it upwards, coaxing him to follow my lead. He complies, stepping away just momentarily to rid himself of the clothing, tossing it aside and showcasing his muscular torso.

The second it’s offered to me, I’m touching it, tracing every contour, every curve. I trail across his sculpted pecs and through the light layer of hair that resides there, before plunging downwards, journeying down his abdomen and feeling his clenching abs. When I get to the seam of his pants, I tug, silently begging him to expose himself further.

He wastes no time, stepping away yet again and ridding himself of both his pants and undergarments in a single fluid movement. His erection, free from all constraints, leaps up, visibly pulsing and calling for attention. It certainly takes mine, my gaze intently focusing on the apex of my boyfriend’s thighs. Though I’m still something of gelatin, still recovering from my last orgasm, the sight of him and the mental image of him buried deep within me draws a humming sigh from my throat.

My body wakes back up, and I practically spring myself on to him, devouring his mouth in another kiss. We both groan at the feeling of bare skin pressed flush, and instantly we both want to be closer. My stomach still proves to be a challenge though, preventing us from pressing together entirely and depleting an array of possible positions. I contemplate through our kiss, wondering in the back of my mind how we can compensate.

And the feeling of Josh pressing between my legs gets me all the more needy and desperate for a solution.

As usual however, he seems to be multiple steps ahead of me. Never breaking the connection between our mouths, he gently nudges, backing me up as we continue to kiss and caress. I cannot tell where he’s leading me, blind and lost in all the sensations he’s alighting within me. But when my ass bumps against a wooden surface, the puzzle piece clicks into place.

Probably one of the few locations in his house we have yet to christen.

He wraps his strong arms around me, and lifts me up as if I’m practically weightless- another boost to my confidence-, before setting me on the edge of the table. My legs fall open for him, and he walks up between them, grinning devilishly as he looks my body up and down again.

I whimper, clawing at him and not wanting to prolong this further. He complies with a chuckle, but like always, places my needs above his own. Even though his erection is angry, practically pointing skyward and engorged to the maximum, he focuses on cupping my breasts with both hands, kneading and squeezing the tender flesh.

Electrifying pulses rush through my body, every inch of me warming back up to his touch. I groan and spread my legs further, perfuming the air with my musky scent and enticing him with the sight. This was supposed to be about his release anyway.

“Joshy…” I whine, angling my hips towards him and inviting the connection the two of us desire so much.

He’s stubborn though, continuing to address my breasts, to roll his thumbs over my nipples and entice sweet moans from my throat. But I’m desperate for more, desperate to give him what he wants as well. So I reach forward with a hand, groping for his length and wrapping my fingers tightly around it. The contact causes him to gasp sharply, his movements slowing from the likely burst of pleasure I gave him.

Now it’s my turn to grin. I rub and roll my fingers up and down, pumping him a few times and coaxing him harder. He grunts my name, each pass of my hand equaling a more strained vocalization. Wanting us to come together however, I tug him forwards, brushing his head through my folds, tantalizingly close to my entrance. I rub him up and down, gathering my moisture and biting my lip every time he passes over that sensitive bundle of nerves.

We both moan at the feeling, a duet of pleasured noises. When he starts to tremble in my grasp however, and I begin to pulse almost painfully, I give our bodies what they’re screaming for. I finally poise him at my entrance, and guide him inwards, welcoming him into my warm, wet depths.

Josh takes over, grasping my legs with both hands and thrusting his hips forward, traveling as deep as he can go and connecting us fully.

“Fuck…” I breathe out, clenching tightly around him and instantaneously feeling relief.

“I know,” he groans, rubbing my thighs, “Shit, you feel so good…”

He begins his slow thrusts then, sliding almost all the way out before easing himself back forward again, giving us both time to adjust. He soon finds his rhythm however, pistoning in and out at a consistent speed.

The feeling of his weight, his warmth, his fullness within me is incomparable to anything else, and my eyes roll back as the slightest hints of a satisfied smile form on my lips. I moan with nearly every movement he makes, my body already making the journey back towards euphoria.

The table begins to creak beneath us, shifting with our rolling motions. It matches the shakiness of my limbs, and unable to properly hold myself up, I recline backwards, lying fully on the table and leaving my hips accessible. Josh takes that as his cue to speed up, and begins pounding harder, producing an audible slapping sound with every advance.

My moans turn into keens, my keens into soft screams, the pleasure intensifying quickly as he overwhelms my senses. Everything about him paints the trail to cloud nine, leading me to yet another orgasm. The deep grunts in the back of his throat. The way his face is scrunched up, contorted in bliss and red from his efforts. The slick noise he produces every time he rams back into me. The way his fingers dig into my skin as he holds my legs apart. The thickness of his erection plunging inside me again and again.

It’s all too perfect, all too much. It always is. I’m nearly there, so close to leaping over the edge, my back arched, my body tense, my mouth opened in a silent cry. And in knowing this, Josh lights the spark that engulfs me in flames, his pointer finger finding my clit and rubbing in tight circles.

I tense once more, before everything releases in a dazzling array of sensations. My head lulls back as my entire body spasms, crying my bliss towards the ceiling as I cradle Josh deep within me, clenching around him like a vice. And thankfully, I get the second half of my wish, the effects of my orgasm just enough to trigger his as well.

He lets out a growling moan, and fills me to the brim with his release, leaning his head against my bent knee as he fights to stay upright. We dance hand in hand together, soaring through the clouds and savoring the elation. But what goes up must come down, and slowly, we melt in the aftermath, falling into a comfortable, fatigued silence.

The room is filled with nothing but the fire popping in the fireplace, the music continuing to softly play, and our heavy, recovering breaths. Josh slips slowly out of me, and already I miss him, but I’m so drained that I don’t complain, simply continuing to pant and fight for even breathing. I remain on the table, my eyes lazily painting circles on the ceiling, not wanting to move a single muscle.

“Jennifer?”

I make an exception just for him, craning my head up to gaze at him. He’s smiling down at me, crooked and dazed, and I cannot help but mirror the expression.

“Yes, hun?”

“Merry Christmas,” he says a breathy laugh, “I love you.”

“I love you too. And if that was my present, then I’ll take twenty.”

We both giggle, and I fight to sit up, ignoring the achy muscles in my abdomen and extremities for the purpose of capturing Josh’s mouth in a soft, loving kiss.

“You know,” he murmurs after pulling slightly away, “Speaking of presents, I do have a few to give you, if you’re not too tired.”

“I kind of am, but presents are a worthy cause.”

He grins at me, but it turns into a playful glare when I add on, “And I guess the fact that this is my last night with you for a while is notable as well…”

“Not as much as presents?”

“Not as much as presents,” I reaffirm with a laugh.

He rolls his eyes, but is unable to keep the smile off his face.

“Come on then. Let’s not keep those presents waiting.”

He helps me off the table, and we head back into the living room, retrieving our clothes and dressing ourselves once more. I nestle myself back on to the couch, resting my hands comfortably on my stomach, and Josh heads back into the kitchen to fetch more eggnog.

With my mind clear for a moment, I can focus on Peanut’s movements, feeling her squirm and bump against me. She’s become even more active, if that’s even possible, likely agitated and confused with the shrinking space of her home.

“Not too much longer,” I whisper as I rub soft circles, “I’m just as tired as you are. Just a little more, baby girl.”

Josh pokes his head back in, eggnog in hand, and grins at the sight of me talking to my belly.

“Peanut giving you a hard time?”

“You know, just the normal little ball of energy…”

Josh chuckles, striding across the room and setting the two glasses on the coffee table, before plopping down beside me. He places his hand on the ample surface, cupping it, and I cover his with my own as he takes a turn speaking to my daughter.

“Be good to your mom when I leave, okay? Can you do that for me?”

“She’s going to miss you, Josh. I’m going miss you.”

He looks up to meet my slightly fallen expression, and leans forward for a soft kiss.

“I’m going to miss you too. The both of you. But it’ll only be for a few weeks. I’ll be sure to call you and annoy you. And hey, maybe it’s for the better; at least we won’t be able to beat each other up over basketball!”

“At least not physically, no,” I laugh, “You better expect my brothers and I to call and give you shit when the Cats and Cards face off at the Yum Center.”

“I’ll definitely await your call,” he chuckles.

We laugh and kiss for a bit longer, before I push myself slowly off the couch, lumbering over to the Christmas tree.

“Speaking of which,” I chuckle, grasping a wrapped present with his name on it, “I have something to give you.”

“Oh?”

I bite my lip with giddiness, trying hold back my amusement as I nudge the gift into his hands. He sizes it up for a moment, trying to gauge what it could possibly be with weight and feeling alone. Stumped, he eyes me with a confused grin before tearing into the paper. And the second he lays eyes on a certain element, his face falls into a deep frown, one that makes me laugh hysterically.

Because there, peeking through the paper, is bright red fabric. Unmistakably, Cardinal red.

“You do realize this’ll fucking burn my hands if I touch it,” he mutters.

“You don’t even know if that’s what it is!”

“No trust me, I know,” he titters with laughter.

“Josh, stop being so fucking dramatic and open it all the way up.”

He lets out a heavy breath through his nose, but rips all the paper away, exposing the shirt entirely into view. It’s definitely a Louisville shirt, the emblem showcased proudly on the front. But when he holds the shirt up to examine it further, a few stray objects rain down that snag his attention.

“What…?”

“See, I told you you didn’t know what it was,” I snort with mirth.

He bends down to retrieve the objects off the floor, and the second he processes what he’s holding, his grumpy expression shifts into a large, child-like, excited smile.

In his hands, he holds multiple Chipotle and McDonalds gift cards, in the highest increments I could possibly buy them in.

“Oh my God!” Josh laughs, grasping the cards with glee, “This is…this is fucking amazing, babe! Thank you so much!”

I laugh along with him, and lean across his body to press a gentle peck to his cheek, then his lips.

“You’re welcome. I figured it was the way to your heart.”

“How did you know?” he asks in mock surprise.

“In sync, baby,” I chuckle with a wink.

It seems like Josh had the same terrible idea as far as gifting goes, because when he hands me my gift, I’m dismayed to find a blue, UK baby onesie staring back at me. It seems like even Peanut is upset, squirming around within me.

“That’s my girl,” I murmur down to her, before glaring at Josh, “What the hell?”

“Like you said, in sync!” he laughs, “I guess we had the same smart-ass idea…”

“There better fucking be a compensation gift then.”

“There is, don’t worry,” he grins, and rummages around the tree for a bit, before locating a small, dainty box. He hands it to me, and I stare up at him in curiosity. He smiles reassuringly, and gives me a nod, silently urging me to continue.

I unwrap the box, revealing a box with a lid inside. I open it slowly, and my breath catches with what a find.

An elegant, silver, dazzling necklace, with a heart locket poised on its chain.

“As cheesy as it sounds,” he chuckles, a sheepish grin playing his features, “I wanted to give you something that reminds you that…I’ll always love you. And that I’ll be with you wherever you go.”

I blush at his eloquence, his sweetness, his thoughtfulness, and I don’t delay at putting the necklace on, clasping it behind my neck and admiring it.

“Joshy?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve never loved someone more than I love you. Thank you.”

It’s Josh’s turn to go red in the cheeks, and he shuffles up close, grinning with a brightness more intense than the tree beside us.

“You’re welcome. And I love you too, more than anything.”

We kiss, caress, and savor these last few, gorgeous moments together. Josh ends up getting me a decorated swear jar to watch my language around the baby, and I give him a vacuum robot that he and I joked about during promo. We end up having a bit more eggnog, and by the time we both agree to head off to bed, we are utterly spent from the night’s events.

It’ll certainly be strange having an empty space in bed, beside me, and in my heart, areas where Josh is always meant to be present. But I know it’s for the better. I know it’s just a little pause before he’ll be back with me, helping me prepare and await the birth of my baby.

So I fall into a peaceful slumber, knowing that the next few weeks will go by like a cool, winter breeze.

xXx

After Josh departs, I head back to Louisville to spend quality time with my family, staying with my parents and getting the occasional visit from my brothers as usual. Though it’s not the same without my boyfriend, it’s comfortable, my days relaxed and laid back.

I lounge around watching television, fight with my brothers, and listen in on maternal advice. I go shopping for Peanut, drive around my hometown for old time’s sake, and spend time alone sitting in silence, simply focusing in on the wiggling baby within my womb.

Time ticks slowly and painfully onward, but it does indeed progress. Every day is one day closer to being reunited with my boyfriend, and I remind myself every morning after waking up. It’s something that helps keep me going, helps me cope without his presence.

Around Christmas, I make the decision to visit the children’s hospital like I do every year, despite the rumor mill spitting out so much shit about me. Though being in the public eye is currently out of my comfort zone, I cannot find it in me to pass the opportunity up. Especially since I’m about to become a mother of myself, I’m about to have a child of my own.

I find myself crying at times when I walk around the hospital, particularly in the neonatal ward. Thought my heart aches for the babies and their families, it gives me a sense of gratitude that Peanut been so healthy, a sense of thankfulness and greater appreciation for her. It gives me a deeper love, a deeper want to meet her.

And I find myself craving the presence of two family members now, anxiously awaiting the return of one and the arrival of the other.

Soon enough, I tell myself. Soon enough.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #Joshifer smut #Smut #NC-17 #This...is...HISTORY

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

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These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Seventeen

A/N: Well hello hello! Look what I managed to update on time? Is this real life? I do believe I said that same thing for the previous chapter, but it still astounds me that my writing motivation has returned lol!

I guess that’s because we’re reaching a pivotal point in the story here, ie one of the most important, if not the most important, dips in the plot. But obviously we have to build there, obviously we have to go up the roller coaster’s hill to get to that point. So what’s a bit of ridiculous fluff and recovery?

Anyway, a big thank you to each and every one of my readers. Every read, every like, every reblog, every comment on the story, means the absolute world, and fuels me to continue on. So I appreciate it so very much, and I cannot fully express my gratitude.

Also, big thank you to my partner in crime catching-dandelions, who is also getting increasingly excited as a certain part of the story draws near lol!

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooooo....

Though waking up the following morning leaves me mentally recovered and rejuvenated, it certainly isn’t easy physically. I’ve recovered from the horrors that plagued me the previous night sure, my composure repairing itself and my mind focusing on the wonderful support I have. But my body is throwing a fit.

It’s way too fucking early to get up and join the living, especially on so little sleep. I would be perfectly happy just staying in bed, sleeping the day away and not worrying about a single thing. The company doesn’t really help my instance either; cuddling and lazing with my boyfriend definitely takes the cake over flying across the Atlantic.

But unfortunately for me, Josh has a little more incentive than I do. He’s up after only two or three alarm rings, leaving me alone in the large expanse of bed. I miss his warm presence already, a few stray shivers coursing down the length of my spine. Despite wanting to be cooped up in his arms however, I’m still not motivated enough to get up.

Josh begins packing and freshening up, throwing a few lights on here and there and emitting a gentle clutter of noise. I groan at the disturbances, sinking further into the mattress and tugging the blanket up over my head. He must take notice, because he chuckles and gently implores me to get up, alternating between softly shaking me with his hands and tickling my exposed skin with kisses.

I’m stubborn, and only respond when he leaps to more drastic measures; the threat of not receiving breakfast is definitely enough to get my attention. It’s no surprise that I’m an absolute mess, my hair sticking every which way, my eyes bloodshot and puffed up, and my entire head aching with pressure. But Josh is patient, loving, compassionate, taking every opportunity he can to make me smile and laugh, or telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, essentially filling me with warmth and happiness and depleting every toxic memory of the night before.

It’s a welcomed form of motivation, because we’re both able to pack and vacate the hotel room in an efficient time frame, heading down to the lobby and preparing to head out with the rest of the cast, readying ourselves to travel all the way to New York for the next premiere.

Two more. Two more premieres and then I’ll be able to settle down, spend time with Josh and my family, and await the birth of my baby. Two more premieres and then I’ll be able to disappear away from the world, shrouding myself in the new responsibilities that come with being a mother. Two more premieres and I’ll get to avoid all the toxicity that the media and my ex decide to throw my way. It’ll all be okay. The next few months will be filled with purity and love, and nothing else.

The thought gives me even more motivation to make it through Mockingjay promotion, so by the time Josh and I reach the lobby, I’m smiling, ready to face the world. The space is crawling with cast members, everyone groggy in this early hour, but ready to embark nonetheless. I spy Liz and Melissa close by, and they flash Josh and I gentle smiles as we approach.

“Hey there you two,” Liz murmurs, and holds out her arms to invite me in for a hug, which I accept without hesitation, “Feeling any better?”

“Yeah,” I breathe out, nuzzling my head against her shoulder, “Much, thanks to you and Josh.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Has anything happened yet?” I ask, referring to any flak from Nick, random rumors and what not.

“Nothing so far; any and all rumors are from the sources we informed. It’s smooth sailing at the moment.”

I let out a long breath in relief, sinking into her further. All the better to forget the entire event even happened. Liz however, doesn’t give me the complete luxury, stepping away from me slightly and reaching for my face.

“Let me see your cheek, hun?”

I sigh, but comply anyway, trying not to think too much of it. Gently, Liz grasps my chin, rotating my head from side to side to examine my wound in the light. But it must not be too terrible, because she flashes a soft smile.

“You can barely see it. Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

“Alright. Then I won’t pester you about the situation anymore.”

I nod, my facial expression beginning to mirror hers, a smile crawling its way on to my face. It’s symbolic and wonderful honestly. My physical wound has begun to heal and fade away, and as have the dents on my heart and the gashes in my mind. A figurative new day sided with the literal one.

“I do have just one suggestion for you however, just to make things a little…easier for you in the long run.”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you catch the cast up to speed with what’s going on? I’m sure having everyone on your side would be entirely beneficial and useful. If something were to happen, you would have even more people to confine in.”

I draw my lip into its usual resting place, worrying it between my teeth for a while. Because no, I haven’t spilled the beans to the cast yet. I haven’t dropped the official announcement of Josh and I dating or my pregnancy yet on anyone, minus Liam of course. Now wouldn’t be a terrible time I suppose, the entire cast waiting around to depart and not doing anything else significant.

I give them a longing look before gazing back at Josh, who nods his approval.

“Alright. Why not.”

Liz’s smile grows warmer, and with one last squeeze, she passes me off into Josh’s arms. He plants a simple kiss on my cheek, and together we stroll towards the cast, his arm strung possessively around my waist. Faces light up when they notice us, and we return the smiles and good morning greetings.

“Wow. Are you all trying to go for a career look here or what?” I joke lightly, gesturing to the mountain of luggage they’ve made.

Chuckles break out, and of course, some are quick to join the banter.

“Careers? That term sounds oddly familiar. Isn’t it from a popular franchise or something?” Sam pipes up.

“I don’t know, man,” Josh chuckles, “I’ve never heard it used in that context before. What joke were you trying to go for there, Jen?”

“Forget it,” I sigh dramatically, “I was trying to reference a movie but I guess it’s not well known enough.”

“Darn. Tell me about it, maybe I’ll watch it sometime,” Liam huffs with laughter.

“I definitely will, don’t worry. But um…I’ve actually got something else to talk about.”

This gets more heads turning my way, a few more cast members offering their attention. I worry my lip in between my teeth, fidgeting out of slight nervousness, even though I know I shouldn’t be. All these people before me will offer their utmost love and support no matter what I tell them, so it’s definitely about time they all found out collectively.

“What’s up, Jen?” Elizabeth asks, leaning in her seat towards me.

“Well…Okay I lied, it’s actually two things…”

“Ohhhh God,” Sam theatrically groans, “Way too much. My attention span can’t handle it.”

“You’ll live.”

“That’s doubtful.”

“-Jen,” Josh cuts in with a chuckle and a gentle nudge to my side, reminding me of my place.

“Right right, sorry.”

“Sam’s not the only one with a short attention span,” Natalie quips.

A wave of soft mirth rushes through our group again, before receding like the tide, all eyes trained intently on me. I swallow hard for a moment, contemplating which news to drop first, and how to go about delivering it.

“Uhhh…”

My throat goes dry, and I can feel myself blush as I look to Josh for support, searching his patient, loving eyes for an answer. A crooked smile crawls on his face as he continues to gaze at me, and he motions me onwards with a soft nod.

“Well…Josh and I, we…”

For some reason, I just can’t force the two simple words out of my mouth. Whether it’s because I know the cast will tease us, it’s difficult to admit, or a mixture of both, I’m not sure. So instead of telling, I go for showing, letting my lips do the talking in an entirely different manner-

By allowing them to sink into Josh’s.

Unsurprisingly, the cast reacts rambunctiously, gasping and squealing and whooping and laughing. I feel Josh smile against my mouth, and I cannot help but do the same, giggling through our kiss as the cast continues to erupt around us. This only intensifies when sarcastic comments start flinging left and right.

“About time!”

“Wow, who the hell saw that one coming?”

“Brother and sister my ass. It all makes sense now.”

“I knew it was bound to happen.”

“Pretty damn obvious.”

“Long live Joshifer.”

I cannot help but break the kiss, laughing at the utterance of the name fans imposed upon us and gazing at Josh with gleaming, happy eyes. He returns the stare, his entire face lit up and glowing with amusement, and presses one last peck to my lips before speaking up.

“Now was that so bad, Jen?”

“No, but I know they won’t stop giving us shit anytime soon…”

“Or ever,” Liam chuckles.

“What’d you expect, brainless?” Jena giggles with a wink in my direction.

“I don’t fucking know…Definitely not for you all to be nice.”

“Nice,” Sam says, tasting the word, “What is this…nice…you speak of?”

“Case in point,” Josh says with a titter of laughter.

The whole cast continues smiling, laughing, teasing, and congratulating us, and I cannot be more thankful that the lobby is empty this early in the morning, our group creating quite the scene. Nina and Francis both step forward to give more personal words, hugging us both and wishing us the best. And of course, they’re not the slightest bit surprised about the whole ordeal either; I’m sure they were just waiting for it to happen like the rest of us.

Deep within me, I feel Peanut move. Just the soft, usual nudge, but it reminds me that I’m not done talking, my face falling slightly as the nerves crawl back. Because what I have to drop next, I’m sure no one will expect, or know how to react to for that matter. I silently hope that they’ll forget I mentioned another topic to bring up, but of course, they don’t grant me that mercy.

“Didn’t you say you had two things to tell us?” Jena asks gently.

“Yeah, you’ve got us anxious over here!” Elizabeth chimes in.

I let out a shuddering sigh, and give Josh another look. He’s still smiling, but it’s a bit more solemn and warm now, his facial expression carrying full support and love. He steps close and presses a soft kiss to my cheek, which brings out some “aww’s” from the cast, and I roll my eyes before continuing.

Josh leads me over to an empty plush chair in our little circle, and I plop myself down with another sigh, shifting my stare from curious gaze to curious gaze.

“Alright…Um…This one is going to come as more of a shocker. Trust me, it really fucking shocked me,” I say with a shuddering laugh, one that is met with a few unsuspecting chuckles, “It gave me some problems early on, but with the help from Josh, my family, and my team, I’ve grown to actually…accept it. And love it.”

I bite my lip, trying to keep my fragile, hormonal-ridden composure in tow, and Josh assists by gently rubbing my shoulder.

“I uh…I would really appreciate your support though…Because it’s a lot more complicated than you would expect.”

A few smiles fade, expressions turning somber as they realize the situation is a bit more serious than originally bargained for. I can feel moisture building up within my eyes, something I can’t really control at times like this; uttering the two confirming words of my pregnancy has always been a tear jerker.

Just like the previous times, I have to give myself a moment to compose myself, a moment to channel the strength to utter the words that will change everything. I shut my eyes for a moment, inhaling and exhaling heavily, before flitting them back into view and gazing around the room.

Everyone is still patient and curious, looking at me with gentle expressions. I happen to catch Liz’s eye, and she nods, all the while giving me a soft, warm smile. Between that and Josh reaching down to interlace our fingers for a gentle squeeze, I find the necessary courage.

“I don’t really know if anyone noticed beforehand but-,” My free hand drifts down to the oversized sweatshirt I always wear when traveling, shakily unzipping the front and revealing the taut shirt stretched over my ever growing stomach, “-…I’m pregnant.”

I hold my breath as I await their reactions. Lots of mouths drop open, a multitude of eyes widen, and a sea of gasps and murmurs break out. For a moment, my anxiety takes hold and leads me to believe that they’re all about to react poorly, that they’ll judge me, that they’ll question me. Tears glaze my vision over, but just before fear completely overtakes me, Sam changes everything.

“I kinnnndd of thought so, but didn’t want to prrryyy?” he draws out, his face contorted in an over-exaggerated wince, “It’s like that awkward, “I want to ask her, but if I do, she won’t be pregnant.” And then I’d just be left sitting there like, “Oh hell. She’s going to kill me.””

The entire cast bursts out laughing, including myself, a flood of pure relief surging through my body and pushing the tears down my cheeks with its force.

“I mean, with Jen you never know. It could just be food,” Liam snickers.

“Shut the hell up,” I sniff, bringing my hands up to sweep beneath my eyes, “God.”

There’s a slight pause, almost as if someone is warring internally, warring to question how the hell I could possibly be pregnant. But before I can worry about it further, before I can overthink the situation, any bit of doubt is pushed aside by a high pitched voice.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” Willow butts in excitedly, “Do you know yet?”

I laugh a bit, relieved. The cast appears to be set on making me feel at ease instead of asking for the logistics of it all. I’ll be sure to explain the situation to anyone who asks later however, but for now, I’m perfectly content with skating over the surface.

“I do. I’m having a little girl.”

Another series of “aww’s” break out, large smiles spreading around as the cast grows more and more at ease with the situation. I laugh despite my tears, placing a hand on its usual resting place on my tummy.

“My brothers were so fucking pissed…”

“Really? Why is that?” Natalie asks.

“Because there has been a streak of boys in her family for years,” Josh explains with a crooked grin, “So yeah, they were not happy at all…”

“Yeah nooo…”

We all share another laugh, before the innocent, comfortable questions continue. Mostly from the excitable Willow, who asks yet another.

“Do you have a name for her yet?”

“Nope. But she does have a nickname; I’ve been calling her Peanut.”

“Peanut? God, that’s precious,” Elizabeth murmurs, “I feel like a proud Aunt.”

I give her a beaming grin, but cannot stop the staccato fit of mirth from escaping me when Willow jumps in yet again.

“Can you feel her move yet?”

“You’re a bit too excited about all of this, Willow. You better not be eager to have a baby. It’s already a lot of work.”

“I’m not!” she giggles. “I just feel like I’m getting a baby sister!”

“We basically are welcoming a new addition to this crazy little family of ours,” Julianne speaks up with a smile, “So we’ll definitely make her feel at home and at ease with the rest of us, and greet her with open arms.”

Julianne’s eloquence and tenderness results in more tears, but I smile at her nonetheless, my heart fluttering with gratitude and comfort.

“Thank you,” I murmur, before turning back to the anxious Willow, “And to answer your question again? Oh yeah; big time. Do you want to feel?”

“Do I?!” Willow laughs incredulously, and holds her hands out, waiting for my instruction and go ahead.

“It’s pretty weird,” I snicker back in return, “But yeah, she almost never stops. It’s hard to miss her.”

I pat the top of my belly with a hand, silently gesturing to where Willow should put hers. She’s splays her palm out flat, leaning forward in anticipation and smiling a cheesy grin. And of course, Peanut doesn’t keep us waiting long, squirming around with the confines of her home and drawing an excited gasp from Willow.

“That’s so cool!” she practically shrieks, sending a fit of laughter around our little group again.

And thankfully, to my utter relief, the laid back atmosphere sticks around. I stand up as cast members make their way over, showering me in congratulatory remarks and affection. They give me hugs, take turns feeling Peanut move, ask me more questions, and generally give off a very respectful and excited vibe. I cannot be gladder that I decided to drop the news, the terrible event with Nick practically forgotten as I immerse myself in the happiness and excitement of those who truly love me.

Of course with love comes the promised protection, Francis and Nina stepping forward yet again to address the more serious matters.

“Guess it wasn’t a stomach bug,” I joke lightly, wincing.

They both tittle with laughter, before Nina pulls me into a hug.

“Is that why you were so distraught before, sweetie?”

“Yeah. But I’m so much better. I’ve fallen in love with her, and I have the support of a lot of people, especially now.”

“That’s great to hear. None of us want you to suffer. We’re glad you’re doing well and looking at the situation in a positive light.”

“Thanks, Nina,” I reply, hugging her tightly back.

She gives me one last squeeze, before stepping away and giving Francis the spotlight. He explains how we’ll have to notify and talk to Lionsgate about the situation, if Liz and Melissa haven’t already beaten us to it, and that we’ll work a way around negative questioning and such from interviewers. He also ensures me that he and the entire cast are in full support, and that there isn’t a single thing to worry about. That I can take a breather and enjoy the rest of promotion without a single thing in my way.

And that much I certainly do.

xXx

With that promise in effect, the promise to receive protection and offer it in return, the rest of the Mockingjay promotion goes relatively smoothly. Event after event, interview after interview, I’m surrounded by positivity and love. I focus on it, hone in on it, immersing myself completely in it and shoving the tribulations away.

And problems do indeed arise, there’s no stopping them. Nick must have been able to trigger some type of rumor, because more and more articles questioning my pregnancy pop up over night without any kind of visible instigation. Reporters and paps begin to make jabs at the fact, asking me for confirmation or prodding me to get some kind of response. But no matter how worrying it is, I pay them no mind, focusing instead on the tight-knit group of people on my side.

Liz and Melissa shoot down the more ridiculous tabloid articles and rumors. Francis and Nina politely ask interviewers not to badger me with questions. Elizabeth and Julianne offer me advice and answer any questions I may have. Sam and Liam are respectful enough to keep their fat jokes and teasing to a minimum. Jena and Willow keep me smiling with their excitement towards my baby. And Josh remains the most loving, anchoring figure of all, ensuring that I remain calm and happy, that I enjoy myself.

We spend days in NYC, before traveling over to LA for the last premiere. Though it’s exhausting, the response from the fans definitely helps keep me afloat as well, thousands upon millions of people excited for the movie’s release. It’s definitely a rush, definitely indescribable. And it creates a firework of emotions, from awe, to glee, to missing the franchise, to everything in between.

But while it’s nice to bathe myself in the excitement of fans and the hype of the movie, it grows tiresome. While it’s nice to work and do what I love so much, the want to go dormant for a few months begins to flash like a beacon. While it’s nice to spend time with my family away from home, my actual one comes a calling, the desire to spend time with them over the holidays taking high precedence.

So after the Mockingjay promotion is all said and done, I want nothing more than to head home for Thanksgiving, exhausted and ready for the ultimate relaxation.

My heart reaches back home to Louisville, a large portion of my family intently awaiting my arrival. I invite Josh to come along, not wanting to spend a moment without him if I can help it. While he’s hesitant at first, feeling like he’ll be the odd one out, I assure him that he’s family, that he’s loved, and that he’s extremely appreciated in my household. And thankfully, it’s enough to convince him to tag along.

Together, we fly out back to Kentucky the moment Lionsgate releases its vice on us, looking forward to a slower, laid back pace as opposed to the dizzying stride of the promotion. The second we arrive at my old house, I’m practically giddy with excitement, so very eager to be around my loved ones yet again, far away from the public eye.

But, as usual, the answering bunch when we knock on the front door take “love” out of the equation; while Josh and I were expecting a warm greeting, we receive quite the opposite.

“No traitors allowed!” a masculine voice booms from behind the wood.

I don’t know why I expected anything different.

“Are we really going to do this again, Blaine? Let us in!”

“No! No traitors allowed!”

“Traitors? What the fuck ar-“

“-Little ones!” Blaine warns through the door, and I bite down my expletives.

Nephews. Right.

But the presence of little boys doesn’t mean I’ll stop fighting against my brother. Just in a more…censored manner.

“…What are you talking about, then?”

“Are you not aware the man beside you bleeds blue? You’ve been associating with the wrong kind. You’re practically half Wildcat yourself!”

I cannot help but laugh at his ridiculous logic, pounding my fists on the door.

“Blaine!” I whine through my mirth, “You know that’s not true. Come Madness season I’ll be disowning him!”

“Hey!” Josh laughs. “I resent that very much.”

“It’s Thanksgiving!” I continue, giggling as I basically ignore my boyfriend’s remark, “Can’t you make some sort of exception?”

“Mmmm…I don’t think so, no. I’m getting twitchy just from being around you both. We don’t need that type of toxicity in this house.”

“Blaine, don’t you have more productive things to do besides yelling at your sister through a door?”

The soft voice of my mother from behind the door brings a relieved smile to my face, and I beam triumphantly at my win, knowing there’s no way Blaine will fight against her. Sure enough, he backs off with a dramatic huff, and the door suddenly swings wide to reveal a large portion of the Lawrence family.

My mother stands in the doorway with a welcoming smile, with my brothers behind her, and my nephews in tow, darting playfully in the background. I can hear other voices emitting from within the house, which I figure belong to my sister-in-laws or other family friends. It’s basically a giant gathering of sorts, and although I’ve been dealing with a countless amount of people for the past month or so, this particular environment earns an exception.

“Hi, sweet girl!”

The gentle tone breaks me out of my thoughts, and I return the warm smile my mom is giving me, walking straight into her open arms without a thought more.

“Hi, mom,” I murmur as I bury my face into her shoulder, snaking my arms tight, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. It’s so good to have you around again, Jenny Lou.”

She eases out of my embrace, only slightly enough to address my stomach, cupping it gently with a hand.

“And how is she?”

“She’s doing great,” I chuckle, before theatrically fake crying and waving my hand in front of my face for emphasis, “They grow up so fast!”

“Oh don’t give me that,” she snorts, and my mirth builds, “You have no right to complain about that yet. You don’t know what it’s like to see your babies having babies of their own!”

“Sorry, mommy…”

“You should be, taunting mom like that.”

I look up to see Ben approaching us, a broad smile painted on his face as he nears. Surprisingly enough, he holds his arms out for a hug, and I’m quick to accept it. In the usual way of banter however, I brace myself for some snide, smart-ass comment. And I know my brother far too well; he is quick to deliver.

“Wow, she’s getting big huh? Oh- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean the baby.”

“Oh my God,” I mutter, shoving myself out of his embrace, “Would it kill you to be nice to me? Like, are you incapable of doing so, even after all these years?”

“…Yes,” he laughs, and I roll my eyes, but am unable to bite back the amused smile that crawls on to my face.

My mother takes notice of poor Josh, who was silently standing off to the side and respecting my need to greet my family, and walks over to him with arms outstretched.

“Come here, you!” she says, and he chuckles, complying and returning her hug, “You didn’t think I forgot about you, did you?”

“No ma’am,” he huffs with laughter, his deep Kentucky drawl coming out to play.

“Well good, because it’s good to see you as well, Josh. I hope the men don’t antagonize you too much today.”

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m pretty much used to it. I get my fair share,” he laughs with a wink in my direction.

“Don’t think for one second that I’ll go easy on you in December, Joshy.”

“Wasn’t expecting it at all, babe,” he chuckles, before turning back to my mother, “I rest my case.”

We all share another laugh, before we’re ushered into the house. An array of sensations dazzles my senses the moment we step aside, causing a blissful sigh to escape my lips. The homey, nostalgic scent of the house is drizzled with all sorts of food, from the meaty touch of turkey to the hint of sweet cranberry sauce. The sound of laughter and fellowship echoes off the confines of the hallways. The walls and tables have fall decorations strung about, bathing the house in a pallete of warm colors.

It’s soothing and welcoming, just the way I wanted to start my break away from the career, from the rest of the world. I grope for Josh, and he slips his hand around my waist, holding me close as we walk throughout the house, eager to greet more people. We officially say hello to Blaine, then my Dad, then my sister-in-laws and a few friends.

Everyone seems to be just sitting around and talking, catching up with one another and sharing stories, so Josh and I decide to settle in. Blaine offers us drinks, and I settle on a soda, Josh a beer. We then plop ourselves down on the couch in the living room, cuddling up close and joining in on the socializing.

“So what have you both been up to?” Ben asks, sitting in a chair adjacent from us, “Josh, have you been treating my little sister right?”

“I’ve never had a reason not to.”

“That’s what I like to hear. I guess I won’t yell at you that much come basketball season.”

“I’ll definitely take you up on that offer.”

We all laugh, before Ben continues on.

“Seriously though. How was promotion? It sucks that we barely got to hear from you.”

“Well, Josh and I both got sick with some sort of fuc-,” I cough and fix my language, “-some sort of bug during the first part of promotion.”

“Maybe it’s a sign that you should cut back on the kissing.”

“Shut up,” I snort, “But yeah, we both got pretty knocked out, but thankfully we healed up enough in time for the London premiere. And then…”

My voice trails off at the realization of what comes next in the timeline. My throat clenches on its own accord, and I feel Josh’s embrace tighten around me.

“What?” Ben presses, oblivious.

I want to tell him at some point. I do, but not now, not in the joyous spirit of the holiday. I don’t want to drench the mood with my own tribulations. I also really don’t feel like explaining it in the present anyway. I’m about to open my mouth and skate around it, make up some sort of excuse, when a little blur of a person speeds into view from around the couch.

“Josh!”

I barely have any time to react before my nephew is barreling for us, launching himself upwards and on to Josh’s lap. Josh breaks out into a fit of laughter, hugging his arms tightly around Bear, and I cannot help but smile at the adorableness of it all.

“Well hey there, little man! How are you?”

“Good!” Bear yells, his voice all too shrill and enthusiastic, “I missed you!”

“I missed you too, buddy! Man you’ve grown. You have to be taller than me now, right?”

“No!” Bear laughs.

“Really? Sure seems like it!”

“No, you’re tall!”

“I honestly don’t get that one often,” Josh chuckles, and I shake my head, sniffling with mirth, “So thanks. Are you ready for basketball yet? Has your Dad gotten you all excited?”

“Yeah! We’re going to beat yoooouuu.”

“Is that a challenge, little man?”

“Yup! Daddy says we will.”

“I’ll hold you to that, buddy! You’re going to be in big trouble if the Cats win!” Josh laughs, and he begins to tickle Bear’s sides playfully, poking and prodding my nephew’s sides with his fingers.

All of us erupt into laughter as the scene continues, the two of them locked into a rather intense tickle fight. But of course, my pregnancy plays rough, flip flopping my emotions before I’m even entirely aware. And just like that, the smile has crawled off my face, my expression sinking along with my heart.

Because I cannot help but think of how wonderful of a father Josh would make. The way he interacts with my nephew, how he’s so gentle, so humorous, and so patient. The way he’s basically like a big kid himself, how he always knows what to say to gauge the perfect reaction out of the little one he’s interacting with. The way he’s essentially a light, making younger fans and family members alike at ease and happy just in his presence.

God, he’d make the best fucking father.

I know I’ve had these thoughts before. Hell, I’ve even discussed them with Josh, voicing my concerns about him not being the biological parent of the baby within me. We’ve both come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t change a thing between us, that we’d essentially be a family no matter what.

But even still…For some reason it still hurts.

I find myself getting so emotional that tears have begun to swirl in the depths of my eyes. And not wanting my brother or my boyfriend to see my quite random decline in condition, I decide to excuse myself and take a moment to compose myself.

“I’m going to get more drink,” I strain out, standing up and leaving before either of them can question. I venture through the house, trying to find an area of solitude, and end up settling on the back porch, completely alone physically and mentally. And to get my emotions in tow, to get out anything and everything that was building, I allow myself to cry, flushing out any negative emotions are insistent about hanging around.

I grasp on to the wooden rail of the deck, hanging my head and letting everything leak out, from tears to bad thoughts. But my efforts are interrupted, by the sound of the door sliding open behind me.

“Jen?”

I lift my head back up at the handsome voice of my boyfriend, sniffling and looking at him out of the corner of my eye. I watch his realization of the situation visibly click, his face falling at the sight of me crying and his legs immediately carrying him towards me in response.

He tugs me into his embrace without a word, and I accept it with gratitude, utilizing the opportunity to get it all out. I weep into shoulder, saturating the fabric of his shirt quickly. But he doesn’t mind, doesn’t question yet. He simply continues to hold me, softly shushing me and rubbing his hands along my spine, waiting until I’m ready to talk.

And when I am, I obviously have to beat myself up.

“I’m…I’m sorry…”

“Baby, you don’t have to apologize for anything,” he murmurs, pressing his lips to my temple before continuing, “But are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I sniffle loudly, “Yeah I’m fine. I just…Seeing you interact with my nephew made me really fucking emotional.”

“Well, I’m sorry that I brought up the Cats winning, but it’s a fact, Jen. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Leave it to Josh to make me feel better with little effort at all, laughing despite the weeps shuddering occasionally through me.

“Joshy, I swear to fucking God…”

“I’m just stating the obvious!”

We both laugh for a moment, before Josh kisses me softly, gently, his hands reaching up to rid my cheeks of moisture.

“Did it make you think of Peanut?” he asks in a voice barely above a whisper once we settle.

“Yeah…Specifically, you and Peanut. I thought about you being her father, and it just…triggered something in my crazy pregnant head.”

I sigh, snuggling up close to him, before continuing.

“I know we’ve discussed this, Josh. But I just can’t help but…think about how simple life would be if you were her Dad. If we could just be a happy family without having a care in the world. If we could just…fight over basketball without a single thing in our way.”

Josh lets out a puff of laughter through his nose, before pressing another kiss on my lips.

“But we can, Jen. And we will. I’ll be the very best father I can be for her, regardless if she’s mine or not. I’ll share all of those precious moments with you and her. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep us a happy family, the family you want. I promise.”

I squeeze a few more tears out of my eyes, letting out a shaky breath at his eloquence, at his love.

“I’ll be right here for you, and for her. These next few months, I’ll help you get ready. I’ll be there to support you and love you every step of the way. I’ll offer everything I possibly can, Jen. I love you so much. I love you both so much.”

“Dammit, Josh,” I whisper against him as the production of tears increases again, “Weren’t you supposed to stop me from crying?”

“That was my original intent, yes,” he chuckles.

“Yeah, you failed then,” I snicker, sniffling loudly again, “But you did make me feel better. I love you too.”

I lean my head away from his, and we beam at each other before getting lost in another kiss.

He tugs me physically and emotionally back to comfort, back to love, back to family. He reminds me that while things will be difficult, it’ll all end up okay in the end. He assures me that no matter what, he’ll be there for me, be there for my child. He chases the thought of Nick and other problems away, painting my head with better mental pictures instead.

So I allow him to lead me, allow him to take me back to the start of my long period of relaxation. We walk back into the house hand in hand, and as I pass through the doorway, eager to join my family for Thanksgiving dinner, fun, and companionship, all problems stop at the threshold.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #Josh Hutcherson #Jennifer Lawrence #And like #The entirety of the HG cast haha

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

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These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Sixteen

A/N: Real or not real? Is this actually a thing that exists? Are you seeing this right now, because I certainly can’t believe my eyes lol! Because after far too long of a pause, an unannounced hiatus at that, TWAAL is up and running once more.

You’re probably wondering what happened, and to make a long story short, college is to blame entirely. Moving in, leaving my parents for the first time, getting settled, taking classes, adjusting to an entirely different lifestyle...All very taxing, and there wasn’t a lot of room for writing in between.

But now that I’m settled, and more or less figuring things out, TWAAL was allowed to bloom again. So here we are at chapter sixteen, another roller coaster of a chapter.

I just want to thank everyone who has been faithful to and interested in the story thus far. Your support means everything to me, and you all are the reason I’m writing this. I appreciate every comment, every note, every little piece of support you offer me. So thank you so very much.

And also, a big thank you to hungergameshutch, jenniferandjoshua, toastbabeis, ohmyjoshiferr, and hijackedjabberjayy for cheering me on in my time of blocked crisis. And of course, to my partner in crime Emily, for offering me ideas and being my biggest cheerleader.

Now then, on to the technicalities.

Disclaimer #1: This chapter contains a rather intense portrayal of an actual actor (N) that is purely for fictional purposes. I apologize if it’s unsettling, but after all, it is fiction.

Disclaimer #2: This chapter contains violence/abuse.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adoooo...

When will this nightmare end.

I thought I overcame this. I thought I had left this behind, freed myself completely of the dreaded bonds and flown to freedom and safety. I thought this was left in the darkness, left in the deepest sanctum of my brain to be completely forgotten.

But the name at the bottom of the email says otherwise, the terrible words taunting me, jabbing me, stinging me with their potency. Visions of what’s possibly to come flash before my eyes. Mental images of the now darkened future swirl about the confines of my mind. Negative emotions of all sorts broil up within me. Anger, horror, disgust, depression, anxiety…

The nightmares wrap around them as they bubble up within me, and everything floods out of my body in pained, hoarse cries.

I can barely think straight. I don’t know what to do. I’m hardly even aware of Josh wrapped tightly around me, his head nestled against mine and his chest pressing into my face.

Through the flashes of crimson and void, I can feel him shaking. Whether it’s out of anger or fear, I’m uncertain. But then his strained, low tone sounds.

“That…asshole…That fucking asshole…This is such bullshit…”

Josh’s voice brings me a bit into the present, my throat unlocking and my chest heaving with air. And that’s when the sobs begin, more and more emotion tumbling out in a flood. It’s no surprise that my misery triggers something in Josh, and I hear him blow out a long, hard breath, before his tone sounds again, this time gentler, calmer.

“Jennifer…Sweetheart…Shhh,” he soothes, and I’m honestly amazed at how he can set his anger aside to tend to my feelings first, “I won’t let him hurt you. Or her. Not again. Not ever. He’s not getting anywhere near you both.

Again, Josh unknowingly tugs me closer into reality, his words leaving an impact in my subconscious, my brain swirling as I take certain aspects into consideration.

I know Josh wants to protect me. I know he loves me. But he may not be able to keep to such a potent promise this time. I’m not doubtful that Josh will want to show the email to our publicists, talk about keeping Nick away, and then go about our business, flying out of London tomorrow morning and acting as if the entire situation had never occurred.

But something tells me I can’t do that. Something tells me that there is a darker, more sadistic twist to Nick’s motives this time around. A particular part of the email floods my head, playing the words over and over again.

If you do not wish for the media to be alerted of your pregnancy, complete with a few more…tidbits of information I would provide, I suggest that you reply as soon as possible.

Don’t think I don’t have ways of reaching you if you choose not to.

There’s some type of game, and Nick is definitely not playing. He knows my weaknesses. He knows my soft spots. And will do everything in his power to shatter them, to make my life hell, if I don’t comply with his wishes. So part of me knows I’m obligated to see him, knows I’m obligated to comply now or else things will only get worse.

Who knows what the hell he has planned. He could spill the beans about my pregnancy to the media, but contort its image with heavy, terrible lies. He could reveal all sorts of accusations that could destroy my image, destroy my privacy, or destroy my life entirely.

He’s desperate. He’s practically savage. He’ll do anything and everything to get to me. It seems he’s already broken through the barrier my team put up the first time around, finding a way to contact me even though I blocked him from every bit of communication.

So he’ll stop at nothing. Unless I comply with his wishes, and see him here and now.

“Josh…”

“What, baby?”

“I…” I heave, choking out a few more sobs before admitting what essentially equals a punch in the gut, “I have to see Nick.”

I feel him stiffen against me, his chest growing rock hard and his arms tightening like a vise around my bare body.

“What…” he says in a tone that’s almost inaudible, laced with disbelief and shock.

“I have to. If I don’t, who the fuck knows what he’ll do. You saw the email. You saw what he said. You-“

“-Jen, we don’t know how credible those threats are. He could just be saying shit to get you to cooperate. He’s probably trying to lead you out of hiding. I’m sure they have no backing.”

“They do,” I whisper hoarsely, “I know they do. This is different. Something feels so wrong, Josh.”

When he remains silent, I continue, “I’m afraid he’ll leak my pregnancy to the media. I’m not ready for that alone. Liz and I literally just started allowing the rumors to crawl. But I’m afraid he’ll alert the entire system in one fucking blow. And if that’s not enough, he’ll probably taint them. He won’t let them spread without some kind of fucking…terrible, poisonous lie to ruin everything…”

“He wouldn’t do that-“

“-He can and he fucking will, Josh!” I choke out, more tears streaming down my face, “I have to do it.”

“I’m not letting you,” he replies firmly, “I can’t.”

“Josh, you don’t understand. He will do everything to make Peanut and I’s life hell until I cooperate with him. If I don’t see him tonight, he will work behind the scenes and fuck everything up to the highest degree.”

I heave a shaky breath, before continuing.

“I mean, who the fuck knows,” I snort out bitterly, my voice laced with tears, “He might still fuck things up even if I do see him tonight. But I don’t want to take the risk of waiting around…I…I really don’t…”

He seems to consider his for a moment, going silent and instead letting the sound of my weeps fill the room. But then I feel him shake his head against mine, tugging me tighter into his embrace.

“Jennifer, I can’t. You’ve gone through enough shit with him in the past, all of which you didn’t deserve, and still don’t. I’m not just going to sit idly by and let him manipulate you like this. I won’t allow him to hurt you. We’ll just get Liz and Melissa involved, and shut him down before he even has the chance to think about starting anything.”

“No,” I whimper into his chest, “He broke through them before. This email proves that. And he’ll do it again, but worse. I have to see him tonight.”

“Are you hearing yourself right now? He’s controlling you. And you’re letting him. He’s abusing you and I won’t fucking give him the pleasure of doing so. I can’t let you go to him.”

Josh almost sounds choked up with tears himself, and the thought of it, mixed with his extremely potent words, get me crying harder into his skin.

“Jennifer, I love you. I love you so much. I only want to protect you, and your baby. So I won’t give that…dickwad what he wants.”

I let out a shaky sigh, moving my head up to rest on Josh’s shoulder instead. While I appreciate his utmost love, loyalty, and protective nature, I have to continue fighting against it. Because his reasoning would be rational for literally anyone else. But not Nick. Not Nick.

“I love you too, Josh, but I don’t have a choice,” I whimper back out, “I seriously don’t. You can’t help me. Liz and Melissa can’t help me. At least not now. I have to reply and I have to see him before things get worse. Before he does something fucking terrible. I’d rather deal with whatever shit he wants now then all the possible shit in the future.”

Again, Josh goes silent, shutting his eyes tightly away from view as he contemplates my words.

“Please, Josh…”

More silence, his jaw clenching and unclenching on its own accord. My hands snake upwards to grasp his jaw, cupping it between my hands and leaning my forehead up against his, a new stream of tears trickling down my cheeks. He sighs at the contact, leaning into my touch, and his hazel eyes slowly reveal themselves. It’s no surprise that they’re pained and crawling with sorrow, but what does astonish me is the glassy sheen laid across them.

“Jen…”

“-Please, Josh…” I cut him off in a whispered tone, stroking his skin with my thumbs, “You have to understand. I have to go. I’ll…I’ll be fine…”

“No you won’t…”

“-Better now than I would be later. I’d rather go now and talk to him, see what he wants, before he starts fucking things up even more. I’m willing to put myself in that situation as long as it means more protection for us, for her.”

I bring a hand down from his face to cup my stomach for emphasis, and he follows my movements with his gaze before letting out yet another heavy sigh.

“There has got to be another way…I’m sure we’d think of another way…”

“I don’t have time to think of another way. He’s out there waiting for me, Josh. Right now. He wants an answer now. And I have to go to him. Please let me go to him, Josh. I don’t know much clearer I can make it. I don’t…think you grasp how fucking dire this is…”

We hold each other’s teary stares, Josh managing to hold his composure better than I, because a few more stray tears manage to trickle their looping paths down my skin. Josh catches sight of them this time, and reaches up with his hands to stop their descent, brushing his thumbs beneath my eyes.

“I do understand how dire it is, alright? I’m just…I really don’t want you getting hurt. Or her getting hurt. I really just want to keep you away from him and protect you, that’s all. It’s impossible to trust him. He very well may be calling you out there to harm you. I saw what he did last time, and I swear to God, if you go now and I hear he laid a single finger on you…”

He trails off, biting down hard on his bottom lip. I watch him through my tears, and as the silence continues, the cogs turning in Josh’s mind practically visible to the naked eye, the perplexity within me grows.

“Joshy?” I finally question after a pause more.

“May I come with you?”

His sudden question catches me off guard.

“What?”

“If you’re adamant that talking to him will buy you some time and give you other motives to shut him away…If you think it’s truly the best option…Then I’ll let you. I can’t prevent you from doing what you think is best, even if I disagree…” he murmurs, heaving a large breath before continuing, “But I will ask you one thing, a kind of compromise I guess; can I come with you.”

I stare at him with wide, shocked, frightened eyes, trying to take in the depth of his question.

“I…I don’t…”

“If something went wrong, I’d be able to help you. If he tried to hurt you, I’d hurt him first.”

“Josh…”

“It fucking kills me to think about how poorly he treats you. And if you really want to go to that asshole and take the chance then just…give me this much,” he begs, and then tightly shuts his eyes and shakes his head, repeating his reasoning from earlier, “I can’t watch you get hurt again…I can’t…You’re everything to me. Absolutely everything to me. And I want to protect you with everything I have. Peanut included. So it’s my turn to plead; please let me come with you.”

I can’t help but cry some more at his protectiveness, at his selflessness, at his love. My lips also take a mind of their own, practically sliding into his without any thought at all. I kiss him for the first time since we dove into the horrors together, relishing his gentleness and silently thanking him for all his compassion.

I know Josh means well. I know his utmost intent is to keep my baby and I safe. And I couldn’t thank him enough for it, couldn’t express all the gratitude in the world. Especially now, since the gratitude is combatting with another potent emotion.

Fear.

Again, I’m scared of the future, scared of what’s to come. But not so much for myself. I’m scared for Josh, scared for our relationship, and scared for my baby girl’s life, not even in the world and already facing a troublesome existence.

I’m not fighting against Josh because I don’t understand him, don’t understand his reasoning behind trying to hide me away. I’m fighting because I’m scared for him once more, scared that the shadows of my previous life events will smother the ones I love.

But it’s hard to articulate that, especially with the roller coaster of emotions looping within me. It’s a good thing lips can express words in more ways than one.

Despite the salty tang of tears, we kiss deeply, passionately, embracing its calming, comforting effect. I can feel myself practically deflating in Josh’s arms, my body relaxing against his. He seems to be losing tension too, slowly melting into me. It’s a silent decree that we understand each other, that we’re there for each other, that we love each other. It speaks everything that we can’t manage to say ourselves.

Even still, I feel the need to elaborate a bit more, breaking away just enough so I can whisper against his lips.

“I love you. I love you so much…”

“I love you too, sweetheart. I really do.”

“I know you do.”

We fall into another period of silence then. I lean away from Josh, but only so I can readjust myself in his embrace, snuggling my head against his shoulder and snaking my arms tightly around him. He returns the hug, pressing our bare bodies flush against one another. Normally, the combination of his warmth, his soft scent, and the feeling of closeness would pacify me completely. But this time, the fears only continue to swirl, my body trembling and my eyes producing more moisture.

Yes, I would feel safer with Josh by my side. I would feel a sense of power over though man who is so intent on ruining my life, a sense of dominance and confidence. But at what cost?

What if Josh and Nick are unable to hold back their tempers, and Josh ends up hurt? What if Nick refuses to cooperate with Josh by my side? What if…

A sudden, striking realization hits me dead on, the tension rushing back into my body in a single, inflating breath, my form going stiff and cold.

Nick doesn’t know about my relationship with Josh. He knows nothing of the sort. He doesn’t know that I’ve been in love with Josh for years. He doesn’t know that I slept with Josh. He doesn’t know that I’m potentially carrying Josh’s child. All of which would be very dangerous to mention.

If Nick found out anything of the sort…who knows what he’d do. His possessive, aggressive attitude would likely flare up a thousand times over. I’m sure he’d want to turn the suffering and pain Josh’s way as well. I’m sure he would try and ensure that Josh and I never saw each other outside of work ever again. Some kind of absolute fuckery along those lines.

And I cannot have it. I absolutely cannot have it.

But I have no idea how to express my concerns to Josh. I know he’s already locked into protecting me, and nothing will change his mind. I know he’s told me not to fret over him numerous times. I just can’t help it. He doesn’t want to see me get hurt, and the feeling is completely mutual the other way around.

The trembling intensifies in its earnest, my entire body shaking as I struggle to keep my emotions from bubbling over. Josh however, is very quick to pick up on the change, and begins rubbing my back softly before audibly questioning.

“Jen? What is it?”

I shake my head against his shoulder, biting down on my lip as a few more tears trickle down my cheeks, eventually drizzling on to his collarbone. I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to launch into another debate. But still, he presses insistently.

“Baby,” he murmurs softly, his hand rubbing in slow, soothing circles, and it’s almost as if he reads my mind, “You can tell me what you’re thinking. I won’t bite.”

Slowly, hesitantly, I comply, since he practically leaves me no choice, and I’ve told myself again and again that I would stop lying to him.

“I…” I gasp out, a sob slightly catching my words, but I quickly compose myself, “Nick doesn’t know about you, Josh. He doesn’t know about us. I want you there and I love you so much for wanting to protect me. I really do. But I don’t want shit coming your way because of it either. I don’t know what the fuck he would do if he found out we were dating, or that you slept with me, or…”

I can’t finish my thoughts before sobs completely overtake my body again, closing my throat and shutting off my voice. I cry into his shoulder, riding the waves of strong, hormonal emotions for the umpteenth time. Oddly enough however, Josh remains silent as well. He simply continues to rub my back, keeping our embrace comforting and warm and allowing me time to flush out my feelings.

Once I finally calm back down, I pivot my head against his shoulder, chancing a curious glance at him up through my tears. He’s not looking at me, nor does he look angry or saddened. Contemplative is more like it, his eyes slightly narrowed, his jaw set, and his gaze set on a distant spot across the room. I stare at him for a while longer, watching as he worries his plump lip through his teeth in thought. And finally, after the silence starts to grow unbearable, I speak up.

“…Joshy?”

He pivots his head to catch my gaze, hazel interlocking with blue. He seems to understand my perplexed, inquisitive expression, and proceeds to explain himself.

“You’re right,” he murmurs, “I wouldn’t want to cause more trouble just by being there. So what if I hung back?”

“Hung back?” I repeat, my brows furrowing.

“Yeah. Like stayed in the car, or somewhere else out of sight, out of Nick’s sight. But also somewhere else where I’d be able to see you, and step out if things decide to take a bad turn.”

I blink a few times, breaking the connection between our eyes and looking off into space as I process the thought. It might just work. It’ll have to work. I’ll be able to talk to Nick, and have a hidden escape route if needed be. Josh will be right there for me. It’s the perfect compromise. But it still has its hiccups.

“But…How the hell would you just walk out and snag me? You don’t think Nick would question that?”

“I thought about that too actually. And I was thinking, why not use the promo to our advantage? Maybe I could slip out and say that Francis wants to see you, or that we have a meeting or something to go to.”

I nod slowly, biting down on my lip as I try to play the situation out in my head. It’s still a bit flawed; I can picture Nick asking how Josh found me, or seeing straight through the lie. But it’s the only option we have, the only choice we can take, the only scenario that will allow me to talk and Josh to protect.

So my nods turn firm, a heavy breath easing from my lungs.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Okay,” he repeats back, and leans down to press a gentle kiss to my head, “And you’re sure you still want to do this?”

“Yes,” I say shakily, picking my phone up from its resting place on the bed and unlocking it in preparation to reply.

“Alright.”

I send a simple email back to the mysterious address, asking when and where.

And it’s no surprise how terrifyingly quick the answering message flashes up on my screen.

xXx

Nick doesn’t give us much time, so we quickly conform to his wishes, submitting without a choice and venturing out into the darkness of the London streets. Josh manages to snag a rental car, and we navigate through the somewhat empty roads, not wanting to walk at such a late hour despite the closeness of the requested meetup spot.

Closeness that is definitely concerning.

But I push the thought into the back of my head, trying to remain as calm and levelheaded as possible as we pull up on the outskirts of the park. It’s drenched in a void of ebony, not a visible soul to be found. All except for the one I know is lurking somewhere within, waiting for me.

I let out a trembling breath as the car slows to a halt, struggling to fight against the impeding tears. No. I have to be strong. That much is inevitable. He can try and control me all he wants, but I won’t allow him to beat me fully into compliance. He’s not taking over my life, or ruining it. I refuse.

I need to be strong for myself, for Peanut, and for Josh. I need to be strong to fight him off. I need to be strong to build up an unbreakable wall between us, one that he’ll never be able to get through ever again.

It’s just one talk. Hopefully, the one last talk.

But that’s what I told myself last time. Why can’t he just leave me and my growing family alone. Why must our paths be intertwined this way.

Josh’s tender voice breaks me out of my deeper thoughts, and I stare at him through the dim lighting, my lip trembling on its own accord.

“Jen, we could always turn back…I really hate sending you out like this…”

“-No,” I breathe out firmly, “No, I’m okay. I’m ready. I just…want to get this over with. And forget it ever fucking happened. Because life was perfect, Josh. And this shit had to go and happen again. I don’t want him anywhere fucking near me and my family ever again. So…yeah…I’m ready.”

“Alright then. I’ll be right here, sweetheart. Right here if you need me.”

I nod, and he reaches over across the seats, gently taking my face into his hands. I lean into his touch, hiding my eyes away from view and sighing softly, continuing to channel my utmost composure.

“Just…try to be safe, okay? Just…see what he wants, and then I’ll get you out of there. Get in and get out. Hopefully this’ll give us a bit more time to devise something against him and shut his shit down.”

Again, I nod, and am unable to stop a single tear from rolling down my cheek, my emotions flailing all over the place.

“Jen…”

“I’m alright,” I say again, swallowing back the tremble in my voice, “I…I should go…”

“Please be safe,” he whispers, leaning his forehead again mine, “Please. Seriously, if he does anything threatening, I’m just right around the corner.”

I give another curt nod, and nestle even closer, brushing my nose against his and allowing our mouths to ghost against each other. I can feel the warm, damp vapors of his breath against my lips, and the comforting softness of his scent floods my nostrils. I take a moment to allow every bit of him to soothe me; his touch, his presence…I burn everything he is into my brain, reminding myself that he’ll be with me whilst I face one of the worst possible tribulations.

And, to fully experience him, to fully engrain him into my senses, to drink in every last bit of comfort he has to offer, I close the space between us for a parting kiss. It feels entirely fitting for the situation anyway.

“I love you,” I whisper against his mouth.

“I love you too. I’m sorry this had to happen. I’m so sorry…” he replies into my lips, before he locks his completely into mine.

Our kiss deepens immensely, growing possessive, passionate, and seemingly unbreakable. His hands venture backward to lace behind my head, and mine hike up into his hair. We pull each other as close as possible, as if a shorter distance between us will allow the comfort to flow seamlessly. I take this time to ease the last of the moisture from my eyes, a few more stray tears rolling down my cheeks. And after a few passes of our tongues, a few deep sighs from our noses, a few strokes of our hands, the kiss ends as soon as it begun.

I pull away, and we give each other a sorrowful glance, before I turn my attention out towards the dark park ahead. I then give Josh one last peck, and unbuckle myself, stepping out of the car without another word. Lingering would make it more difficult.

I dare not to look back towards the car, towards Josh, as I stroll into the darkness. Though there are a few stray streetlights here and there, it feels like the ebony void encases me as I go, welcoming me into misfortune. It feels hauntingly similar to my first terrible encounter with Nick. The blackness surrounding me, the isolation, the fear, the pain…

But hopefully, this’ll be the last. God, let this be the last…

Peanut squirms within me, a soft and subtle movement, and I let out a long breath, focusing on her movements as I venture forwards.

“You trying to comfort me too, baby girl?” I ask in a whispered tone, resorting to one of my preferred methods of relief, “Did you pick it up after Josh?”

Again, she wiggles, just a minute flutter from deep inside me.

“Well thank you. I love you too. And I’m going to try and keep you safe, keep you away from…”

I must have spoken too soon. Because gradually, slowly, an eerie figure comes into view as I near closer, a predator stalking its prey in the dead of the night. Bile immediately builds up in my throat. My hands clench involuntarily, a thin layer of sweat beginning to glisten atop them. Trembles start from the epicenter of my chest and roll outwards to every expanse of my body. And I don’t experience just a physical response; my inner sanctum practically goes haywire at the sight awaiting me.

Anger and defiance dance with protectiveness and strength. Anxiety and fear bubble with depression and emptiness. I have the strong urge to scream terrible things at him, all the while wanting to run back to Josh on the other hand.

But despite all the conflicting responses, despite all the varying emotions within me, I compress them all down into a ball, pushing them into the back of my mind. Because I remind myself that I don’t need to fuck this up. This needs to be the last time. This has to be the last time. I just have to cooperate, to see what Nick wants, and then it’ll hopefully all be over. I don’t need to fire him off and start trouble early.

So even with strong amounts of terror, resentment, and the need to protect my baby running through my veins, the windows to my soul only display a neutral expression as I close the frightening space, halting a safe distance away from him.

“Hello, Nick,” I breathe out coolly, casually.

I take a moment to observe him and his body language, wondering what I could possibly be in store for. He looks somewhat hostile, his eyes black in the night and narrowed, his arms crossed against his chest. I half expect him to come charging at me with threats right off the bat. But oddly enough, he doesn’t. He just continues to glare at me, his jaw clenching on its own accord and dragging the tense silent out further.

Just when I’m about to open up my mouth and question him, likely in a rash manner, he cuts me off with the words I least expected.

“Enjoying your new boyfriend?”

My eyes widen to the size of melons, my breath locking up in my throat and my body running stiff as a pole.

He knows. He knows about Josh. Josh and I have only been in an official relationship for a few weeks, and we certainly haven’t been public about it. The only public connection he would be linked to is my baby, but he’s not even tied in with that yet. No one is, except for myself.

So how does Nick know? How the fuck does he know?

An uncontrollable shudder travels from my head to my toes, my body a wave preparing to crash on a beach. What does this mean? How much inside information does Nick have access to? How much has he, or will he, find out about my personal life? About my boyfriend? About my family?

The thought makes me want to vomit, to cry, and to fall to a heap on the ground. Because if Josh isn’t safe, one of my most precious secrets in life, then what is?

In order to hang on to my already fragile composure, in order to remain strong like I intend, my brain switches to denial. Maybe I misheard him. Maybe he means something else. So I somehow find my voice again, inquiring him in a shaky, whispered tone.

“W-..what?”

Nick snorts, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, side stepping as he cocks his head skyward.

“Seriously, Jen? You’re going to play stupid this early?” he huffs out in a fit of annoyed mirth.

I grit my teeth, swallowing heavily at his stinging words. And when I don’t answer him, simply continuing to stare, he blows out a long breath.

“Your boyfriend? Your new little fuck toy? Pretty hard to miss when the two of you are plastered on every tabloid and online article. If you’re going for a low profile, then you’re certainly failing.”

My brain stops short at his words, confusion taking the place of fear. The only magazines Josh and I are featured in are ones that pertain to Mockingjay promotion. Nothing romantic of the sort, the press linking the two of us as brother and sister, or best friends. As usual. So the fact that Nick was able to trace him back to being my boyfriend is extremely hard to comprehend. Unless…

A realization clicks in my head. No, not Josh; Chris. He thinks I’m still linked to Chris.

Relief surges through me in a flood, my body deflating in relaxation as anxiety unlocks its suffocating hold. Josh is still safe. Liz’s plan ending up working. We bought precious time, and were able to deceive as intended. All I have to do now is stick to the role, play innocent, and see where the conversation goes.

“I have the right to do what I want, Nick,” I say, my voice confident and less shaky, “My life is none of your business.”

His jaw clenches tightly, his eyes narrowing as he takes a threatening step towards me, which I immediately match with a step in the opposite direction.

“Actually, it’s entirely my fucking business, which is exactly why you’re out here,” he fumes, “I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to find new ways to shut me out, new methods to keep me away. This little ploy you have going on? Hiding behind someone else? Not going to work.”

My breath catches, a blip of composure leaving with the gasp of air that passes my lips. A little nudge from Peanut however, reminds me of my place, and I inhale deeply to calm myself down.

“I told you once before. I’ve moved on, Nick. You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not anyone. I have other things to deal with besides these little games you like to play.”

“And I wouldn’t have to play them if you would fucking cooperate. It’s simple, and you’re intent on making it difficult, as fucking stubborn as you are.”

Again, his words burn, a bitter, icy wind of articulation striking my face. But I shrug it off for the time being.

“Takes one to know one. Why are you so set on tapping back into my life, into my child’s life? We’re both of little importance to you.”

His face practically twitches, and I cringe slightly, my non-existent filter leading me into trouble again.

“Because it’s fucking mine, Jennifer. It’s my fucking child. It’s a piece of me. I too, have the right to do what I want. I have the right to see my possessions. I have I right to see what rightfully belongs to me. So I can fucking see-“he jabs an accusatory hand towards my stomach, “-that if I want to.”

Hearing the potential father of my child refer to her in such a way almost makes me sick, my stomach swirling with nausea and strong bouts of maternal instinct. I hate him referring to her so lightly, so unfortunately, anger flares up as well.

“She isn’t an object, Nick. She’s a child. A fucking child. She’s a baby,” I hiss out, laying a hand possessively on my stomach, “She needs nurturing, affection, safety. And as her mother, it’s my responsibility to give her that perfect environment. If you can’t provide that as well, then you can bet your ass I have every fucking right to shut you out.”

We stand still for a moment, simply glaring and sizing each other up. Just when I think my words have shut Nick up, that they’ve had some form of impact, I become aware of the way his body is shuddering. He’s trembling, fuming, and looking very much like a volcano about to erupt. And I’m sure that’s what he’s holding in, an explosion of fury boiling up within him.

I take a few steps back, wrapping both arms around my stomach and locking Peanut away from the danger. Nick blows out a heavy breath, chewing on his lip for a moment before taking a few, slow steps towards me. As he nears, I can see that his expression is unreadable. It’s not angry, not confused, not anything. Just blank as he comes closer and closer.

I watch him cautiously, unable to process his intentions. He stops about an arm’s length away from me, and blue hesitantly travels up to meet blue. We hold each other’s gazes in an intense stare, and just when my brain holds up a red flag, just when I’m prepared to back away again, he reaches up with a hand. To reach for my cheek, I think.

But I don’t have any time to shy away, or any time to react at all really, before he draws his hand quickly back only to send it flying forward, slapping me harshly across the face.

I stumble a bit in the direction he hit me, having not expected it at all. My skin begins stinging and hurting immediately, my cheek ablaze with pain. I reach up shakily with a hand, cupping my face, tears surging into my eyes.

He actually hit me.

How the fuck was I ever in love with him. What the fuck did I ever see in him. He’s a complete monster, a complete monster who has no respect for me or his-, my child, whatsoever. And the very thought gets me crying openly, little weeps leaving my lips as I continue to hold my face, the skin burning beneath my touch. But it’s not the physical pain that hurts the most.

I don’t dare to look at him, keeping my gaze cast towards the ground, even when he begins his yelling rant.

“I won’t allow you to shut me out, Jennifer! I’m not going to deal with it again. You cannot tell me what I can or cannot do. You both fucking belong to me, so you damn well better believe that I won’t let you go into hiding again. I will do everything it takes to-“

His voice cuts off at the sound of car door slamming close by. I’m still sniffling, weeping, and not really paying Nick any mind. But the introduction of another sound takes my attention as well. It takes me a moment to process, a moment to shake the abusive actions of Nick from my mind, when it hits me.

A car door slamming.

A car.

Josh.

My gaze widens immensely, more tears plummeting down my cheeks. He must have seen Nick hit me and is on his way to step in. Usually I couldn’t be more grateful. But not now. Not now.

Nick is enraged, and I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to turn his anger on to Josh as well. I’m sure Josh isn’t exactly the happiest either, having witnessed his girlfriend get slapped, so it’ll be fighting fire with fire.

Josh no. Don’t come here. I’m fine. Please, Josh.

I will him with my mind, begging him to stay away, begging him to hang back in safety. But to no avail; the sound of an approaching heavy tread results in a cascade of tears.

“What do you want?”

Nick’s hostile question is enough to tug me fully back into reality, slowly and hesitantly tilting my head to follow his voice, my hand still plastered against my cheek. And the sight of my boyfriend, of the man whose love for me has always been genuine and untainted, brings me both immense relief and dread, a double sided coin.

The second I look up, our gazes meet, crystalline hazel locking within glassy blue. To any other person, Josh would appear calm, not bothered, and perfectly neutral. But to me? I can tell he’s using every bit of his will not to snap.

His face is set in a resting position, but I can see the telltale clenching and unclenching of his jaw. His eyes and nose are not scrunched, but I can see the flare of his nostrils with every breath. His body appears relaxed, but I can see the episodic twitches and tenses.

“I said, what do you want? Can’t you see we’re talking?” Nick pries again, this time with more aggression.

I shoot Josh a desperate look that says, “Please don’t get angry. Please don’t snap back.” And thankfully, he gets the hint. At least for now.

“Oh, uh, sorry to interrupt,” Josh murmurs, oddly innocent, “I was just coming to retrieve Jennifer.”

He then turns to me, casually, as if he’s totally oblivious to the entire situation.

“Francis wants us all to report back to the hotel. Says he has some kind of meeting. Probably something regarding our traveling plans for tomorrow.”

The more I stare at him, the more I can see a mask of character painted across his features. And that’s when I remember the plan Josh and I put into effect. I was definitely uncertain about it before, but here in the time of actual crisis? I could not be any more thankful for it. I just pray it works.

Nodding, I decide to play along.

“Uh…” My voice falters from tears, and I cough slightly to catch it before continuing, “Right. Thanks, Josh.”

“You’re welcome,” he murmurs, and reaches out towards me. His arm comes snaking around my back, a little higher than usual so to not drag Nick into suspicion, though I’m aware of the warmth, the possessiveness, and the love such a simple gesture carries. I lean back against Josh’s touch, wanting nothing more than to throw myself into his arms. But I know he and I are not out of the woods yet, a nasty remark from Nick solidifying that thought.

“I’m not done with her yet.”

I feel Josh tense, his grasp growing tighter.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, I’m not finished talking to her yet. We’re discussing personal matters. Whatever it is can wait.”

“Actually, it can’t. It’s a meeting that she and the rest of the cast are obligated to go to. She’ll have to finish her business another time,” Josh replies, his voice just short of a growl, his temper building steadily.

I begin to tremble slightly, continuing to cry. I see Josh give me a quick side glance, and I can tell how desperately he wants to soothe me. But we both know he can’t give too much away, hint at anything that would reveal to Nick that we’re more than friends. So he slowly, gently, rubs my back, ensuring that the movement isn’t too visible to prying eyes.

“There isn’t another time. I don’t have more time. This takes precedence over whatever fucking promotion shit she has to do. And you’re wasting what little time I do have, so stop interrupting and leave us.”

Josh blows a heavy breath out of his nose, and I can tell he’s using every, absolutely every bit of his concentration to remain calm.

“I’m sorry,” Josh replies, his voice deep and low, “But I can’t do that. I was sent here to take her back and I intend to do so. So if you’ll excuse us.”

With that, Josh pivots the both of us away, keeping his arm across my back and taking a few hasty steps back towards the car. We don’t get very far however, before Nick strikes once more.

“And I intend to finish our fucking conversation,” he snaps, and lurches forward after us.

His hand roughly finds purchase on my arm, and he tugs me back harshly, jostling both myself and Josh backwards. I let out a gasping cry in both fear and pain, the world slowing down and running a shade of deep crimson. But although everything seems to come to a grinding pace, what happens next occurs without a moment’s pause.

I feel Josh’s arm slip off my shoulder, and I barely get the time to pivot, barely get the time to question his motives, before he jolts forward. And in the next second, he draws his arm back, and fiercely sends it forward without hesitation, landing a square hit with his fist directly to Nick’s face.

The punch was hard, and manages to send Nick backwards, his head snapping back and his balance lost. He falls backwards on to the pavement below, nearly landing directly on his back, and lays there once settled, stunned.

My mouth drops open and a startled noise slips out, both my hands flying over to clamp over my mouth. Josh doesn’t realize what he just did. I know he was trying to protect me, but in doing so, he just put himself in immense amount of danger. I start sobbing openly at the thought, all my worry expressed towards Josh, and not the knocked down Nick bleeding beneath us.

Josh however, displays his strong sense of selflessness, putting his safety aside to tend to me. He wraps his arm tightly around me once again, tugging me completely to his side, before spitting down at Nick.

“Fuck. You.” He growls out. “You fucking touch her or hurt her like that again, and I’ll beat the shit out of you. A fucking low life like you doesn’t deserve a woman like her. She’s too amazing to deal with how you treat her. If you can’t fucking respect her, then I feel fucking sorry for you.”

And with that, he turns to lead me away, properly this time, keeping a firm but tender grip on my back. We hurry away in case Nick gets up or gets any other funny ideas, the two of us not bothering to look at him and setting our motives entirely on reaching the car, on reaching safety.

Josh escorts me quickly to the side of the car, helping me in and giving me cheek a kiss. My emotions teeter and sway dangerously, my lip trembling and my body shaking. And the moment Josh hops in the driver’s seat and speeds us away, everything comes toppling down.

Anything and everything I had been holding on to tonight breaks into a violent explosion of composure. I bawl, moisture rushing out of my eyes like a series of cataracts. My entire body heaves with gasps and cries. I bury my face into my hands as I let loose, absolutely ashamed and terrified.

Josh was right. Of course he was fucking right; when is he not. He knew what I was getting myself into, and fought so hard to keep me away. And me being the stubborn idiot I am, I got the two of us into so much more trouble. I insisted upon seeing Nick even when I knew the danger, and then was hit, quite literally, with the worst.

Now I’m in trouble, Josh is in trouble, Peanut is possibly in trouble…

The conversation didn’t get anywhere, and I don’t know why the hell I thought it would. It only brought pain, physical and mental. And will likely bring even more tribulations to come.

When we get to the hotel, I lean across the seats the moment the car stops, reaching out to Josh. He meets me in the middle, our arms locking tightly around one another. I sob into his shoulder, which only results in a warmer embrace.

“I’m…I’m s-sorry,” I blubber against his clothes, saturating them quickly.

“No…Shhh…” he murmurs, his voice pained, “But…Baby, let me see your face.”

I hesitate, swallowing hard and continuing to cry, but comply eventually. I slowly lean away from Josh, and showcase my still-stinging cheek. I guess the skin must be visibly red, despite the low light of our location, because his eyes widen immensely before contorting with pain and sorrow.

“Oh…Oh, sweetheart…” he whispers, sounding very much like he’s going to cry himself.

“I’m...S-sor…” My voice cuts off with hiccupping-like gasps, my sobs rendering me speechless.

“Shh…It’s not your fault, hun. It’s not your fault…Don’t apologize for what that…asshole did to you.”

I shake my head in protest, knowing very well that I got us both into this mess. But Josh ignores my feeble attempts at arguing, continuing to soothe me instead. It’s his turn to lean forward, and he gently presses his lips to my injured cheek, allowing them to linger, lighter and softer than flower petals. He then traces the affected area, pressing loving kisses in a trail, as if he possesses healing powers.

Which, I suppose in a way he does; my sobs lessen at his touch, his kisses pushing hints of composure back into my conscious.

“How could anyone do this to you,” Josh says grimly, leaning back and replacing his mouth with his fingers, “How…I can’t believe he fucking hit you…I swear, I’ll fucking…”

His voice trails off, and he lets out a heavy sigh, continuing to tenderly caress my face.

“I couldn’t protect you…I couldn’t get to you in time…I’m sorry…”

“N-no…Don’t you s-start…”

We fall into a tense silence then, the two of us shaken and mentally exhausted. There is far much more to be said, far much more to be addressed, but we’re both just so…broken, disturbed by the incident. Josh thankfully, knows how to remedy our quietness. He does what he does when words fail us, when our mouths are unable to articulate what we’re feeling; he eases his lips to mine.

I continue to cry, likely pulling the infamous “Catching Fire kiss” all over again. But Josh doesn’t seem to mind, gliding and sliding his mouth through mine in an intricate dance. The kiss is my anchor, helping me tie myself back to the ground again. I inhale deeply, focusing on the little details that I love to calm myself down.

The sweetness that lingers on Josh’s tongue, the slight hint of his cologne, the plump softness of his lips, the gentle puffs of his breath, the tingling warmth of his hands cupping my jaw…

Everything. The kiss grounds me. He grounds me.

And as usual, I can’t left my appreciation and love for him go unsaid.

“I…I love you…so much…” I whisper against him, strained.

“And I love you…More than anything…”

Our lips finally part, but we remain close, our foreheads touching and our noses brushing. The silence that follows is a bit more comfortable, my weeps subsiding slowly. But I want to move on. I want to wake up from this terrible nightmare and never face it again. Josh must somewhat read my mind, because he speaks up to break the lull.

“You want to go inside?” he asks gently.

I nod in reply, and he reaches up to stroke my cheek once again.

“Before I came and got you, I alerted Liz and Melissa about the entire situation. They’ll probably be waiting for us up in the room.”

Again I nod, a few stray tears finding their way down my skin. Josh brushes them away, before continuing on.

“They can help us, sweetheart. They’re aware of almost everything that happened. They’re probably already working right now. They won’t let this blow out of proportion. It’ll be okay…”

His last three words, thought meant for comfort, send another round of tears racing. Because those words have gained a negative backing this past year. Those words have become one of the largest lies of my life.

xXx

But Josh was right about one thing. After making our painfully slow journey back up to our room, Liz and Melissa are there the second we open the door. Melissa slips over to talk to Josh for a few moments, and Liz takes me into her arms without a moment’s hesitation, physically and mentally. She gives me time to cry, wringing myself of the heavier emotions, softly rubbing my back and whispering pacifying words.

While I continue to voice my anguish, Josh starts explaining the situation from his perspective, catching our publicists up entirely. The second he mentions Nick hitting me, I feel Liz stiffen, and she leans away to get a good look at my face herself. Her hand cups my chin, softly tilting my face back and forth as her dark, troubled gaze scans.

She rubs her thumb across the red area with a heavy sigh, and finally ushers us all into the living room area of the suite. And there, the plan of counter attack goes underway.

It’s no surprise that they start out with scolding the both of us, asking us why we didn’t come to them first and why we tried to face the situation head on. Though it’s light, much how a mother would scold a child, it gets me crying hard again, and I spend a few moments wailing on about how it was all my fault, not wanting Josh to receive the blame at all.

Josh refuses to step down however, and I have no time to argue against it, because Liz and Melissa are quick to move on, not caring very much about the faults. They worry more about our safety, and the credible threats and violence Nick brought to the table.

Both publicists are quick to say that they will work legal issues, as Nick committed multiple acts of abuse, physical and mental. They also ramble on about how that will affect his custody rights, and how we’ll likely be able to win the right of denying him access, his non-paternal actions too threatening and low.

I guess my actions tonight weren’t a total loss. Taking a hit actually gave us more power against him legally. And that much relieves me.

But what they say next sends that relief crashing to the ground, stomping all over its existence.

Both publicists implore me to get a paternity test.

I yell at them, scream at them, my composure going haywire and the room filling with my bawling protests. Josh struggles to calm me down, even more so when our publicists try to inquire as to why I’m so against the fact. I only continue to cry however, not answering them. And when Josh politely asks them to leave the room so he can be alone with me once more, they do not skip a beat.

He shushes me, holds me tight, peppers my exposed skin with kisses. And as I calm down from my slight attack of anxiety, it’s no surprise that he tries to delve into my mind.

“Jennifer…Honey…Why are you so opposed to getting a paternity test? It might actually solve a lot of our problems.”

I of course, can’t deny Josh an answer. So I spill everything to him, laying my fears on the table.

“What, and give Nick the absolute green light? No. No way.”

“You heard Liz and Melissa. We would be able to properly deny him custody then. And press proper charges. It could allow us to act accordingly, Jen. Get some confirmation and then work from there. What’s wrong with that, hun?”

I shake my head, more tears coming out along with more worries.

“Josh I…I can’t. If I didn’t care so much, then it wouldn’t be an issue but…I’ve fallen in love with her. I love her so much. So just…hearing the confirmation that that asshole is her father would be just…”

“I know. I understand, sweetheart. I do. But you might have to accept it-“

“-I can’t.”

“It’s a very real possibility, Jen. And if we knew for sure, we could take the steps to prepare for whatever lies ahead.”

Again, I whip my head from side to side, moisture running down my cheeks.

“He can’t find out. He can’t find out about anything. I just want him as fucking far away as possible. I don’t want him anywhere near Peanut and I. Not after tonight. Especially after tonight.”

“He basically already thinks she belongs to him, Jen. He already has that mindset. All we need is the confirmation ourselves so we can properly shoot him down.”

“No, Josh. Don’t you get it? I’m fucking sick of this. I was just starting to enjoy my pregnancy, enjoy everything about it, about her. I didn’t want to deal with any drama until after her birth, after I settle down a bit. And that still…applies. I know, I’m selfish as fuck. But…”

I heave a shaky breath, grasping Josh’s hand in mind and staring at him with sorrowful, glassy eyes.

“Joshy… What I really want is time with you and her. I want those first moments to belong to us. Not him. I…”

My breath catches once again, and I stumble on words.

“I want to continue to enjoy myself. It’s been fucking hard as hell. So I don’t need the threat of that…shit wad hanging over my head. I don’t want to be dealing with any drama the last stretch of my pregnancy. I want to relax. I want to savor it. I want to spend it with my family, with you. And Nick is the last person I want to be thinking about.”

Josh’s gaze softens, turning sympathetic as he returns my hand squeeze, continuing to listen.

“I just want a few months of actually being fucking…happy for once. Just give me that and then a few days to enjoy myself as a new mom with you by my side. Please. I…I promise I’ll have one done after she’s born…I just…I can’t now…I can’t.”

He hesitates for just a moment, taking all of this into consideration, before leaning in to press a slow, soft kiss to my lips.

“I wasn’t going to force you, sweetheart. It’s definitely not my call to make. I just wanted to understand where you were coming from, and I do now. I completely understand. I really do. And stressing you out and making you unhappy is the last thing I want. So we’ll just…push him completely from the picture then.”

“Yes. Please. And let Liz and Melissa work their magic on the sidelines. Let them plan whatever they want against him. All that shit I don’t understand.”

“You know,” he says, a ghost of a smile appearing on his face for what seems like the first time tonight, “I can’t really complain about that. Just thinking about him kind of makes my blood boil. So I’m totally okay with focusing on us if you are.”

“Completely,” I say, and bring the hand I had been squeezing down to rest upon my ever growing stomach, “On us.”

“On us,” he reaffirms, his smile growing slightly.

And it’s no surprise that Peanut also voices her response, squirming beneath Josh and I’s touch. It brings the elusive smile back to my face, despite my tears, and I of course cannot help but start to lean back in for another kiss.

“Thank you for understanding. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for…everything,” I whisper, “You just made a shitty night better again. I love you so much.”

“Because you’re my everything. And I love you too.”

We kiss and caress for what seems like an eternity, savoring the regained calmness that’s settling in. But as usual, our passionate act is rudely interrupted. Not by a publicist this time; mutual yawns have us roaring, and then chuckling at one another.

“Shit…” Josh grumbles, leaning back to rub his eyes, “What time is it anyway?”

“Way too fucking late to be up, especially since we have to travel tomorrow.”

“It is tomorrow.”

“Fuck. Then I mean, especially since we have to travel…soon…”

We both snicker again, before groaning at the thought, a long plane ride to NYC ahead of us. As dire as our situation was, and as much damage as it inflicted upon our bodies and minds, Josh and I know we can’t mess up the promotion because of it. We’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it. Though thankfully, I’m sure the cast will be plenty supportive and sympathetic.

Whatever lies ahead, whatever Nick tries to dish out, whatever more we may face, we have a whole team to support us. We have ways to fight back. I have the most supporting and loving man right by my side. It may be difficult at times. It may fucking suck. But at least we won’t be alone, and maybe then it won’t be so bad. And though today was absolutely terrible, I consider the thoughts and relax at them, letting slumber in through the front door.

I droop against Josh, exhausted from the day’s events, my already painful, puffy eyes growing all the more heavy and crying out for relief. He chuckles at my rag doll physicality, and then surprises me, slipping his hands beneath my legs and back and lifting me up off the couch, carrying me effortlessly in bridal style.

“Joshy! What the hell?”

He gives me that bashful, crooked grin of his, shrugging as he continues to walk.

“You were getting sleepy. What was I supposed to do?”

“Not break your back trying to carry a whale?”

He chuckles, shaking his head and nudging his way into the bedroom.

“There’s my Jen. But stop, you’re not a whale. You weigh nothing, even with an extra passenger. Teach me your ways.”

“And there’s my Josh,” I sniffle with laughter, reaching up to rub my salt-caked, sore eyes, “Such the damn flatterer.”

“Proud of it,” he chuckles in return, leaning down to kiss my forehead before gently setting me on the bed.

I practically melt into the mattress, groaning at how good it feels to finally relax tonight. Josh joins me soon after, and although I’m exhausted and don’t want to move a bone in my body, I make an exception for him, scooching as close to him as I possibly can.

He threads an arm around me and tugs me close, my head nestled against his chest and Peanut wedged comfortably between us. And with any and all negative thoughts departing, it doesn’t take me long to fall into a comfortable sleep.

Maybe I will wake up successfully from the nightmare after all.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #Josh Hucherson #Jennifer Lawrence #tw: abuse #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #....*SOBS*#I cannot tell you how good it feels to post my baby again #Goodness gracious me

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

Text

These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Fifteen

A/N: Well hello hello! I apologize for yet another two week pause there instead of just one. But with a trailer coming out on my usual posting day, can you really blame me? It took me a few days to recover honestly, so I’m sure you can offer me the slightest bit of pardon lol!

Because regardless of the wait, chapter fifteen is here. And it’s got quite the twist, this one does. I’m very eager to see you all read it, and even more so to hear your responses. I do hope you enjoy it however!

As per usual, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read. Your feedback is always appreciated, and just know that your comments give me the willpower to continue on with this story!

Big thanks to my partner in crime catching-dandelions as well, for giving me her opinions and ideas whenever I need them.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooo…

Thankfully, the premiere goes smoothly. My mood doesn’t shift, I don’t tire, nor do I count the minutes until its finish. And I know I have Josh to thank for that.

Because even when I step out of the limousine, trailing a bit behind Josh to give the illusion that we didn’t in fact just ride together, I am glowing with happiness, bathing in the moment that he and I recently shared. Even when Liz scolds me for my wrinkled dress, fuming as she fiddles with my headband in an attempt to fix my hair, I am all smiles, looking passed her as pictures of Josh flood my brain.

And even when he and I have to go our separate ways on the carpet momentarily, I don’t complain about our parting, because I know he’ll be right back with me thereafter; that he is mine for the taking.

I giggle and remain lively the entire night, bouncing from interview to interview and from fan to fan. It feels like literally nothing can bring me down. I’m entirely energized by post-coital bliss, the intense warmth still surging through my veins and exploding in a firework of happiness deep within my being. I’m entirely thankful that my strategy I devised earlier worked, and Josh ended up healthy enough to attend the premiere with me in the first place. And, I’m entirely happy that Josh, my boyfriend, is here with me for this franchise journey, and everything else that lies ahead.

After a seemingly never ending stream of encounter with fans and interviewers, thankfully none of which questioned the small curve that is my stomach, I scurry to join the rest of the cast in the theater. Josh and I gravitate towards each other like two magnets, never leaving each other’s side for the rest of the event. We barely watch the movie, instead smiling at one another, passing secretive caresses, and teasing each other for particular scenes.

And when it all wraps up, Liz and Melissa come a shoving, hurrying us back to the hotel to get ready for yet another event to follow; the Mockingjay after party.

When we arrive back to our rooms however, it’s no surprise that they separate us, this time more strictly than the last. Liz wants no non-sense, and refuses to leave my side until I’m completely dressed, made-up, and without a single hair out of place.

I groan out multiple times that I want Josh, missing his presence even in the short amount of time we’ve been split. But Liz simply ignores me and sticks to her business.

She hovers around while I get my hair and makeup done, all of which I manage to sit through, an impatient scowl playing my face. I rub my stomach in small circles through the robe thrown across my body, trying to focus on Peanut instead of that handsome face swirling before my eyes. I’d rather keep my desires at bay with Liz and my team in the room, especially since I cannot help but wonder just how long she was standing outside my door before she interrupted Josh and I.

When Liz comes back with my dress however, thankfully the want for Josh is quickly pushed aside for the time being. But unfortunately, fear and worry for my child clambers immediately in its place, my anxiety escalating in just a few short bounds.

“No. No; there’s no way in hell I’m wearing that.”

Because it’s a white, firm fitting dress, one that seems tighter than any I’ve worn on the tour so far, one that will likely hug my every curve. Especially, the particular curve that happens to house life inside, which I’ve been trying so hard to keep sheltered from prying eyes.

But this, this thin piece of fabric, won’t offer me that luxury. Though my stomach is still relatively small, cameras and the paps that go with them are like a pack of thirsting hounds, snagging any bit of juicy rumor they can find. Even the slightest hint towards a pregnancy sends the stories flying, and I’m sure this dress would do be the honor.

It’s something I’m not ready to committing to yet. Sometime, certainly, as I won’t be able to hide my baby girl forever. But not now. Not with my life so untroubled, so free of any tribulations, so…centered on my growing family and the happiness that goes with it.

So for that reason, my stubbornness comes to play, locking my thoughts in a cage as I face off against my publicist. As usual however, she’s highly insistent, and frowns as she holds the dress out further.

“Yes you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Jennifer,” she sighs, and I can tell she’s channeling her patience, “At least try it on. And then we can go from there, okay?”

One glance into her eyes tells me she’s not backing down any time soon, so I roll my own and strip myself of my robe. My stare immediately locks on to my rotund stomach, and remains there as I step into the dress, shimmying the material up my body.

It’s exactly how I thought; tight and revealing. My breasts, which are now engorged and ever swelling thanks to my pregnancy, protrude out of the deep swoop of the neck. My body, growing and changing, fits very snug in the white casing. And my stomach, rounded and hanging low against me, showcases itself as a bulge in my front.

I’m unable to keep from staring at myself in the mirror, picturing all the worst possible scenarios that await me. I can’t help but think about the potential jabs, the sneers, the comments that will be made towards my belly, towards the newest addition to my family.

“No.”

“Jen, it’s not that bad-“

“-No, Liz!” I snap, “This is fucking ridiculous. Like do they not understand I’m pregnant? I can’t wear this.”

“You wore the others just fine, so you can wear this one too.”

“Are you not fucking seeing this?” I ask her, my tone shifting upwards in exasperation as I gesture to my abdomen, “You can clearly tell that I’ve changed, Liz. And the fucking media churns up pregnancy rumors when I’m not pregnant, so imagine this time when they can actually fucking tell!”

Liz heaves a sigh, and I know she’s likely thrilled with my attitude and colorful vocabulary to match. But I can’t help it; I feel entirely too protective of my baby. And I don’t exactly feel like exposing her prematurely to the world either.

“Jennifer,” Liz begins, her mouth set in a tight line, “I think this might be for the better, honey.”

“What-“

“-Listen to me,” she cuts my incredulous remark off, “I think this dress serves as a little wakeup call to the both of us. Because, you have to admit, your pregnancy is getting pretty hard to hide now. There’s no denying that fact anymore; it’s simple biology. Before long, you won’t be able to layer up with sweatshirts, and you won’t be able to rely on a baggy dress.”

I wince a little at the thought, but she doesn’t give me any time to reply.

“You’ve been very lucky to remain small and therefore incognito up to this point. Most women this far in the game would be blooming with baby. Someone must be offering you pity.”

I scoff, and she continues on.

“But that lucky streak is drying up fast, Jen. You need to accept the fact that there will be no proper way to hide you, unless you plan on remaining dormant for a few months and the years to follow after her birth.”

I let a shaky breath out, and reach down to cup my stomach with both hands. Because she does make a point; I can’t hide forever. Being on house arrest isn’t exactly ideal, especially with a bouncing, developing child.

“So maybe…it’s about time we allow the pregnancy rumors to start. Better now than all at once; it’s better the media eases into it, and slowly takes the bait.”

“But…What am I supposed to do?” I ask, the anger now drained from my system and filled entirely with worry, “What if they ask me questions? What if interviewers-“

“-I’ll make sure to keep that topic far from discussion,” she murmurs, “And Jen, this dress isn’t entirely clinging to your body; it does give you some leeway near your abdomen, just enough to where you could only pass as pregnant to some. The more…avid rumor spreaders.”

I sigh, continuing to stare at my reflection, and she gently reaches up to rub my back.

“It needs to happen now, alright? Just a fewww rumors here and there tonight to get the ball rolling. It will only get harder to do so as time goes on. So just have fun, be yourself, and enjoy your time with Josh.”

The mention of his name perks me up. And Liz must notice, because a small smile works its way on to her face.

“I’m sure he’ll keep you out of harm’s way. So have fun with him, and know that I’ll be tugging at the press’ reins behind the scenes. There’s nothing to be worried about, alright? We’ve just got to start somewhere, and I think it’s the perfect opportunity.”

I consider this for a moment, and realizing that she’s anything but wrong, I let another long sigh pass from my lips.

“Alright,” I reply, inhaling deeply and trying to gain some confidence towards the situation, “Just to get the ball rolling?”

“Just to get the ball rolling. I won’t allow the rumors to take a leap on the larger scale for a while. So don’t you worry about a thing.”

I nod, worrying my lip between my teeth before easing myself into her arms, expressing my gratitude towards her thoughtfulness and more importantly, her patience.

“Thank you,” I whisper, and she must know the backing to those two words, because she hugs me tighter.

“You’re welcome; it’s my job to keep you both-, “she eases from my arms to gesture to my stomach, drawing a smile to my face, “-safe.”

“Thank you,” I repeat.

We smile at each other, before a loud noise interrupts the warm moment between us.

A series of knocks on the bathroom door, followed by a familiar, masculine voice that grows my smile to almost face-splitting proportions.

“Heeeellloooo?”

“I’ll give her to you in a minute, Josh!” Liz calls, before turning to me, “Just promise me this. That dress? We put it on you to cover your body…”

She cocks a brow, and narrows her eyes at me for a moment, though her expression seems to be mostly of a teasing nature.

“…So please keep it that way,” she sighs out.

It takes me a moment to process her words, but once I put two and two together, my cheeks flush a red similar to bright blood. Liz gives me a knowing look, her eyebrows rising, before excusing herself to the side and out of the bathroom, leaving the door open so Josh can enter.

“Hey, babe,” he greets casually, and I would melt from his voice, if I wasn’t so fucking embarrassed.

At the sight of my tense posture, my hand cupped over my mouth, and the fact that I didn’t acknowledge him, naturally Josh questions.

“What? Little talk didn’t go so well?”

“Well, if you consider your publicist basically telling you to “keep your pants on” a good thing…”

There’s a silence to follow for half a second, before Josh snorts with mirth.

“Oh, shit!” he laughs, “Oh my God. Does that mean she heard…?”

“I don’t fucking know. She didn’t go into detail, and I certainly didn’t ask her to.”

I finally turn towards Josh, and the goofy, embarrassed grin on his face alone is enough to make the mirth contagious. We laugh off the situation together, giving exaggerated winces at the thought, before Josh closes the distance between us.

“Well, I’m glad she left, or she might be in for an encore performance. Because God, are you trying to fucking kill me?”

“What?”

“You!” he chuckles, his grin crooked as he steps up close, his arms finally snaking around my back, “You look…stunning, Jen.”

“Shut up,” I murmur lamely, feeling the blush deepen in my cheeks.

“I’m serious, you’re beautiful. Shit, you’re beautiful....” he says softly back, and I can feel the intensity of his hazel gaze as it scans up and down my front.

I take the opportunity to look him over as well, which instantaneously results in a weakness to the knees, and a heat in my belly.

He’s got a sort of bad boy physique to him that ignites the fire within. A black leather jacket rests over his white shirt, with a pair of dark pants to match. His hair is lying in long tufts against his forehead, and his stubble has been shaven back.

He looks handsome, so extraordinarily handsome, that a shiver runs down the length of my spine the second I meet his eyes again.

“I can definitely say the same about you,” I whisper out, stepping forward in his arms and cupping his jaw with both hands, tracing my thumbs across his facial hair, “You look…”

I struggle for a minute, trying to come up with a proper term. And what I land on isn’t surprising for me.

“…sexy as fuck.”

Josh’s face breaks out in a large grin again, and he laughs before planting a peck on my lips.

“So eloquent.”

“Aren’t I always? We’re definitely on the same level there.”

“Definitely,” he teases.

The one small kiss he gave me wasn’t enough, so I lace my hands around the back of his head, threading my fingers through his hair as I tug him closer, craving his taste and touch again. Our lips meet in a more heated kiss, complete with nibbles, swipes of our tongues, and sighs. It’s not surprising that even a simple form of contact alights my body with desire once more, lust manifesting from where we’re touching and shooting out to every tip of my being.

I’ve been told before that pregnancy increases libido like mad. And now I’m starting to believe it, my body keening and calling for my attention over just one kiss.

But the escalation is cut short, as Josh breaks the kiss to gaze at me with a smile.

“I take it you’re feeling better then?”

I huff, disappointed that he interrupted, though it’s typical that he would place my wellbeing over everything else.

“Mhmm,” I reply, my voice slightly husky, “How about you?”

“Much. I can thank you for that.”

The cocked grin on his face and the smugness swirling behind his gaze causes warmth to pool below, my eyes narrowing slightly as I gaze at him.

“Was that a double entendre I just caught?”

His grin widens, and he winks at me before leaning closer, the warmth of his breath dancing across my lips.

“Only if you want it to be.”

The fact that Josh is just as eager as I am floods my innards with even more excitement, and already I can feel myself growing wet, having to clench my thighs as I stare at him.

“Then thank me.”

Our noses brush with our faces at such close proximity, blue searching hazel as the colors melt away into a black void. And soon we can deny each other no longer.

His mouth locks into mine in a brazen kiss, his tongue tracing the seam of my bottom lip and coaxing a moan from my throat. I tug him closer, pressing my body flush against his, my stomach and breasts conforming to him. He appears to shudder at the contact, and releases my lips for a split second.

He gazes down at my body once, and before I can question his actions, his hands have clasped around my backside, and his strong arms are lifting me up on to the bathroom counter. I sigh with a small smile and part my legs, allowing him access. He complies immediately, smirking as he walks between them, hoisting my dress up further and teasing his tips along my sensitive skin as he goes.

So much for the supposed promise I made Liz.

Josh hikes the dress all the way up to my lower abdomen, exposing everything beneath and allowing him to stand directly at the apex of my thighs. Again, he glances downwards, and with a smug smile he runs a single finger down the material of my panties, feeling the warmth and wetness that is accumulating there.

I cannot help but let out a squeak, his finger kindling flames as it goes, and Josh’s crooked grin becomes all the more pronounced.

“Someone a little eager for my gratitude?” he murmurs, his voice deep and strung with need.

I shudder, but my hand walks downwards, boldly tracing the outline of his ever growing bulge through the material of his pants and drawing a gasp from him in turn.

“Don’t act like it’s not mutual, Joshy.”

“Touche,” he growls.

His lips find mine again without much question, and the kiss continues before I take the opportunity to venture elsewhere. I break away, but only to trail my lips across his jaw, brushing through his stubble and traveling down his neck. I pepper his skin with kisses, before throwing in brazen nips, biting at him and sucking where I please.

He groans deep in his throat, a breathy, pleasured sound that only sends more moisture glistening between my legs. But before I can act further, he steps away from my touch. I open my mouth to question, but again he gives me no time to do so, instead lowering his head to my chest.

“Your turn, baby,” he murmurs deeply, and I whimper, both at his lewd tone and in anticipation of what’s about to come.

He doesn’t keep me waiting. He nuzzles his way past the fabric of my dress, and with no undergarments in his way, is able to access my sensitive skin. His mouth latches just above my left breast, sucking and biting and causing me to cry out. My hands grope to hang on to something, anything, and I end up with one hand clasped behind his head, and the other anchored to the counter.

He continues his passionate assault and travels lower, his tongue and lips painting a trail as he journeys. When his hot breath huffs against my nipple, I cannot stop my body from arching towards him, a desperate cry sounding from my parted lips.

I feel his lips turn upwards in a smile, before he takes me into his mouth, alternating between biting and swirling with his tongue. I’m panting, lolling, my head falling back and heaves rocking through my body. But just as Josh takes the rosy tip between his teeth, a series of knocks at the door freezes us both.

“Jennifer? Josh?”

I jerk my head back up to lock eyes with Josh, and he releases me from his mouth before standing back up.

“Yeah, Liz?” we both reply simultaneously, struggling to keep our tones even, and more importantly, free from annoyance.

“We’ve got to head out. I’d like to see you both out here as soon as possible. Preferably kempt.”

Though my cheeks flush with embarrassment, I cannot fight against the feelings of disappoint either, my body still alight with need, only to be deprived of what it wants. Again.

“You got it. We’ll be right out,” Josh replies for us.

“Thank you, Josh. Now both of you, chop chop.”

Josh remains still between my legs, his mouth set into a tight line as he waits for Liz to get out of earshot. When he thinks we’re safe, he blows a long breath out of his nose, likely to calm down in more ways than one.

“Oh well. At least we didn’t get as far as last time,” Josh huffs with mirth, and begins pulling my dress back downwards.

“Yeah well, getting interrupted isn’t exactly my favorite thing. Especially twice in a row.”

“Sorry,” Josh murmurs, “I should have known we’d be tight on time.”

He bends down to give my thigh a chaste kiss before rolling my dress down entirely, and cocks his head back up to gaze at me with an alluring smile.

“But I guess it’s not exactly my fault that you’re so fucking irresistible.”

“Especially now that I can finally have you,” I breathe, and Josh nods with a smile, before standing fully and lifting his lips to mine for a short kiss. “Do you have any idea how much I want to shout ‘I’ve waited years for this so fuck off’ at her?”

Josh laughs his signature laugh, which proves to be instantly contagious, his nose wrinkling and his eyes squinting up.

“Not exactly advisable,” he chuckles once he calms down, “We’d be in hot water enough from our publicists, but could you imagine the flak we’d receive from Francis and the cast if we missed a franchise event for sex?”

I ponder this for a moment, before shrugging and tugging Josh back towards me, locking our lips back together.

“Worth it,” I mumble against his mouth, and he chuckles before pulling away.

“Later?” he asks, giving my thigh a reassuring squeeze.

I begin to pout at the thought of having to wait for hours, puffing out my platypus lip and drawing a laugh from Josh.

“I know. It sucks. But I promise I’ll make it up to you, Jen.”

“Jennifer and Josh…” Liz’s warning tone sounds from behind the door, and I sigh, nodding and slipping off the counter.

“Later.”

xXx

Liz and Melissa are quick to fix us both up again, the two of us thankfully not having too much out of place this time around. The only thing I’m scolded for is a red mark on my chest, and although I dismiss it and deny the fact, I cannot miss the rather disapproving look Liz gives me.

After adjusting our outfits and touching up our makeup just a bit more, we are hoisted off to the after party, this time with Liz and Melissa in tow. Liz drills me how to walk and act on the carpet, and assures me not to panic, especially if a photographer decides to make a comment about my stomach.

Even with her reassuring words and a series of comforting caresses from Josh however, my anxiety cannot help but spike. When the car rolls up to the carpet, it actually takes some gentle nudges from Liz and some encouraging words from Josh to get the strength to leap from the frying pan into the fire.

But I do it. Somehow, I do it. As I saunter down the carpet alone, and flashes whiz throughout my vision, I remind myself that the media has to find out sometime. I remind myself that Liz will ensure everything stays under control. And most importantly, I remind myself that no amount of lies, rumors, or stories will be able to change my love for my baby, and how I feel towards her.

I face the cameras with my head held high, breathing deeply and trying not to focus on the many calling my name and begging for my attention. I instead hone in on my sweet little girl’s movements, focusing on her flutters and allowing them to bring me comfort, shutting myself away to a world where it’s just she and I.

I ensure that I don’t show much of my profile to the paps, and walk away quickly once I think I’ve given them enough. Thankfully, none of them directly called out my stomach, but the rumors that begin circulating might tell a different story entirely.

I try not to focus on it too much though, the worst of the night over with. Instead, I allow the positive energy to flow back into my system, melting into smiles and glee the second I lay eyes on Josh again. He welcomes me into his warm embrace, and after consoling me and making sure I’m alright, we fall victim to the party flare.

We begin smiling and laughing and dancing like the two idiots we are, Josh attempting to get down on the dance floor while I…just attempt to dance in general.

We howl with mirth and tease one another for the entirety of the night. It even seems like Peanut has the party fever, wiggling around deep within me as I dance.

The cast comes around, and we all end up talking to one another, though Josh never strays far from my side. I even end up talking to Lorde at a point, struggling to bite back my inner fangirl as I ask her about her work and what she has planned in the future.

As quickly as the night began, it starts to wind down, the night shifting into morning hours and the party losing energy. Josh walks up behind me, planting kisses on my neck and leaning forward to murmur in my ear as his arms snake possessively around me.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

I feel him smile against me, followed by more kisses.

“Are you almost ready to go?”

When I nod, he continues, “Hope you’re not too tired…”

I pivot my head to give him an incredulous look over my shoulder, and he chuckles before giving my cheek a kiss as well.

“Do you mind if I get a slight head start to shower up? I’m kind of…disgusting.”

“Need I remind you that I was willing to fuck while we were both running fevers and sick.”

Again he chuckles, the warmth of his breath striking my neck and causing me to shiver.

“I know. But I’d rather not be sweaty and shit this time around. At least, not right off the bat.”

I sigh, and he presses again, gently.

“Please, babe? Only if you’re about to leave too though.”

“I am. And to be honest, I think Lorde wanted to ride back with me anyway. So yeah, you can go.

“Just for a little,” he reaffirms, and pivots me in his arms to give me a quick parting kiss, “I’ll see you soon.”

Though I don’t want to split from him, I can spy Melissa and Liz out of the corner of my eye, watching Josh and I carefully. So figuring this must be something of their doing as well, I sigh, leaning back in for just one more peck.

“See you soon.”

xXx

The ride back with Liz and Lorde proves to be plenty enjoyable, with jokes and laughs all around. But even the mirth and entertainment cannot douse the warmth that is building up within me.

It’s somewhat inconvenient, having to deal with this heightened level of desire from my pregnant body. But on the other hand, I have the man of my dreams to put it to rest. A man who is willing to keep up with my needs, and offer the same level of love and fervor in return. A man who is currently waiting for me in the hotel room to do just that.

So I become anxious, excited, shaking a single leg as I restlessly await our arrival at the hotel. I quickly say goodnight to Lorde, offer her thanks for the amazing night, and practically take off running into the building. Liz trails behind, a slightly hesitant expression painted on her face.

Likely she can tell something is up. Likely she knows she’s not going to break my determined spirit any time soon. So miraculously without the slightest hint of an argument, she bids me goodnight as well, and leaves me to my business in peace.

I silently thank her for her understanding as I careen ahead, zipping up the elevator and winding down the hallways. By the time I finally make it back to Josh and I’s room, my entire body is trembling, my hands struggling to work the key out of my clutch and fit it into the door’s lock.

But when I open up the door, allowing my blue gaze to take in the sight before me, every movement in my body ceases. I tense up immensely, freezing to the spot. Even my breaths lock up in my throat, time halting entirely, minus the slight widening of my eyes.

Because there on the couch, waiting for me and bathed in the amber ambiance of the room, is Josh. A very handsome, scantily clad, freshly showered, smiling Josh.

I have to channel my utmost power to not whimper simply by staring at him, taking every bit of his gorgeous form in. He’s splayed out on the couch, leaned back in a pose that makes literally every muscle in his body pop. He’s in the exact same outfit from earlier, except his shirts are nowhere to be found, his toned chest on display for me instead. I bite my lip as I trace his pecs, his abs, his tattoo, his chest hair…before trailing my eyes elsewhere.

He’s practically glowing even in the low light of the room, his skin a tawny shade and dancing with shadows from a few flickering candles nearby. The lowly flames catch my attention out of the corner of my eye, and I cannot help but let out a gasping breath of a laugh.

Romantic atmosphere. Typical Josh.

He’s quick to capture my full attention again however, reaching towards me with an arm. I cannot help but shudder as I notice the way his biceps and shoulders clench. And the crooked, glistening grin he’s sporting makes me all the more weak. It’s a simple movement however, that sends me rocketing to life. A simple movement, which breaks me out of my enraptured trance and kindles the spark that sends my body exploding.

A simple, promiscuous, beckoning “come here” gesture, with two of his long fingers.

I rocket across the room before I can process another thought, the door slamming behind me and all my belongings dropping to the floor as I go. I barely get time to process Josh’s amused grin, before he’s standing up to meet me.

He just scarcely has time to push himself upwards, and then my body has smashed flush into his. I kiss him fiercely, passionately, digging my fingers against his head and tugging on the slightly damp strands of hair that reside there. My movements are hurried, purposeful, sliding my mouth through his and demanding proper access with my tongue.

“Jen,” he murmurs against me, though it’s incredibly muffled and comes out as a moan to my ears.

I continue kissing, biting, sucking brazenly on his bottom lip. And I notice his cheeks turn upwards against me, his lips tipping into a smile as I carry on with my assault.

“Sweetheart.”

I’m able to understand him this time around. And knowing that he’s trying to get my attention instead of actually uttering my name in pleasure confuses me. I release him with a sharp gasp, searching his eyes for an answer as my brow furrows.

He gives me a reassuring grin, and blows a heavy breath out of his pursed lips.

“You know, there’s no one to interrupt us this time around.”

I open my mouth to argue, but when the smoke from the lusty fire clears away from my mind, I come to the realization that he’s correct. And that there’s no need to hurry, no need to rush, and no need to worry at all. The entire night is ours. Which, likely Josh figured, and therefore took the time to make it something special.

The very thought brings a smile to my face, my gaze dancing with sparks of delight and affection as I stare at him. He returns the expression, and leans forward to press a soft kiss on the tip of my nose.

“I just, as much as I…whooo,” he breathes out with a laugh, “As much as I enjoy that pace, I just wanted to actually…appreciate you tonight. Is that okay?”

It takes another moment for my brain to catch up with him. But the second it does, my smile grows exceedingly warm, matching the heat coursing within my body as I nod with shaky breaths.

“Like I said, I wanted to make it up to you. So I have…a few things in mind,” he murmurs.

There’s a shyness and love to his voice that’s so him, so very Josh, that I cannot help but reply with a kiss.

This one is far different from the previous we shared. It’s slow, deliberate, amorous. And the change of pace definitely makes a difference; I can’t be happier that Josh tamed my feral spirit.

Because it’s astounding to intake all the details I was missing before. The faint tinge of wine leftover from the party that I can taste on his tongue. The gentle scratch of his stubble as his jaw brushes against mine. The faint scent of cologne, soap, and a little something all his own emanating off his skin. The tingle my lips produce every time they pass through his. The damp heat of his quickened breaths puffing against my nose and upper lip. The warmth of his strong body pressed tightly against mine.

It’s like all my senses have opened up to him. Every part of my being is agape and ready for him. And it makes the situation entirely more intimate.

Our kiss never really seems to break, stopping and starting in fits as we begin to move across the room. Our hands begin to wander and grope at one another, stripping each other of any clothing and leaving the articles in random heaps across the carpet. After kissing each other against the wall, and nearly stumbling in the entanglement of our bare bodies, we slowly but surely make it to the bed.

Josh lays me down on the mattress, and I ready myself for him to tug me on top of his body again. But to my utmost surprise, he doesn’t. Instead, he nestles between my legs, and hovers over me instead, supporting himself on his hands and knees and being careful not to press his weight on my stomach.

I stare up at him with glazed over eyes, and he smiles warmly down in return. His mouth meets mine in a soft kiss, but his hands avoid me. As affectionate and beautiful as his gentleness is, it’s leaving me deprived. And so I involuntarily buck my hips upwards against him, begging him to press onwards.

He chuckles, and lifts his head away from mine, only enough to allow our gazes to lock.

“May I look at you?”

His sudden, intimate question leaves me speechless, a blush crawling up to my cheeks without delay. Though this slow pace is rather foreign to me, there’s something behind it that makes it seem…better than any other sexual encounters I’ve ever experienced. So without much thought, I bob my head in reply, licking my lips as I watch his every move.

He beams his thanks, and when he shifts his gaze downwards, he does something that no man has ever done before.

He looks at me. Really looks at me. Not like I’m some sort of intriguing, sexual object simply there to fulfill his masculine desires. Not like he’s a predator scouring its prey before making the leap. But fixates on my body with so much awe and desire in his eyes that the realization of the situation hits me dead on.

I know why this feels so different than any sex I’ve had before. I know why I’m suddenly filled with patience and not clawing at him like a desperate animal.

It’s because he loves me. Deeply. Genuinely. And I love him. He’s looking at me the way he is because he knows I’m his, he knows the sight before him is for no one else. He’s taking the time to appreciate me, and will likely pleasure me until I’m a screaming heap, because his affections run to the deepest core.

We’re in this moment right here, right now, because there is no one else for us. And it’s the first time we finally get to savor it, savor each other, properly.

That thought alone would usually be enough to bring tears to my hormonal mess of a conscious, but thankfully, I’m too wrapped up in Josh, too focused on the small flames he’s deciding to kindle.

Anywhere his eyes go, either his fingers or lips follow. He starts on my face. His pointer finger traces down my jaw and across my soft skin, journeying until he softly presses my bottom lip between his finger and thumb.

A breathy sigh leaves me, the intimacy of the situation only adding more moisture between my legs, and I give his thumb a teasing nip. He smirks at me, his eyes beginning to pool with liquid ebony, before he continues on his journey.

His fingers are replaced with his mouth the second he reaches my neck. Downwards he swoops in a trail of wet kisses and nibbles, sending tremors of shivers down the length of my spine. He scours across my collarbone with his teeth, scraping them along my skin and resulting in yet another involuntarily jolt of my hips. He snickers against me, his stubble tickling the sensitive areas of my neck, before carrying on with his venture down south.

It’s no surprise that when he arrives at my chest, he holds his head back to admire the view. And the intensity behind his stare only floods my cheeks with color, and my nether regions with wetness.

“Do you have any idea how mesmerizing you are?”

The potent word rolls off his tongue like silk, causing a whimper to build up in its earnest. But he gives me no time to reply, instead beginning to address the areas that require his attention.

The entirety of his warm hand comes up to cup my exposed breast, and he fondles it for a moment between his fingers, before giving it a tight squeeze.

My head instantaneously falls back against the pillows in response, a strangled cry leaving my lips as waves of pleasure surge through me in an intense tsunami.

But to my dismay, I feel Josh still.

“Did I hurt you?”

Though my breasts are indeed tender from my pregnancy, beginning to swell in preparation to provide nourishment, the pleasure overrides any pain. And while I would normally appreciate Josh’s sweetness more, I cannot be hungrier for his skillful touch.

“No, I- keep going,” I beg breathlessly.

He doesn’t give me a single respite more.

Freshly determined, he kneads and squeezes the soft flesh, rolling his thumbs and fingers in a sort of erotic massage. My breathing begins to pick up as he sends me into a slow frenzy. It’s like he knows exactly when to work me, where to touch me, to trigger the strongest response from my body.

Every caress brings a moan soaring from my mouth. Every pass of his rough thumb against my nipple sends arousal flowing deep from within me. And just when I think it can’t grow any more erotic, he adds his mouth to the equation.

While continuing to work my one breast with a hand, he addresses the other, giving feeble, yet strong licks at my dusty rose bud. My moans evolve into cries, my entire form jerking beneath him with every pass of his tongue. I feel him smile, before he engulfs my nipple into his mouth, taking it between his teeth and tugging.

The feeling sends an electric bolt of pleasure shooting from the source down to every extremity, and I practically spasm beneath him, producing sweet keens towards the ceiling.

He must be able to calculate where I am in proximity to reaching the desired precipice, because as soon as he began, he releases me with a gentle smack. I heave, gasping for air and lying overwhelmed in pleasure. As Josh slides down my body further, I become increasingly aware of his hardened length, brushing down my skin as he goes.

I’ve never had a man put my needs so above his own before, and the very thought arouses me more, if that’s even possible.

He travels down my rounded stomach, and to my astonishment, pauses there for a moment as well. His hazel eyes scan it in close proximity, and I watch as a warm smile crawls on to his face. He then cups my tummy with both hands, and, flitting his eyes up to mine, presses a loving kiss to the ample orb’s surface.

The love, the compassion, everything is just so much to take in at once. So my body begins to tremble, a hint of moisture swirling within the depths of my eyes.

“I…I love you,” I whisper out, somehow finding my voice, “I love you so much…”

“I love you too,” he whispers back in return, and scoots down to finally reach his destination.

His hands find purchase on my knees, gently spreading my legs further as he kneels between them. I tense up in anticipation, waiting for him to grasp his erection and ease it into me. But he doesn’t, instead biting his lip and gazing intently at his prize.

“Joshy…” I whine, the sudden absent of his touch driving me to oblivion.

“You’re so wet,” he whispers huskily, “God, you’re so wet for me…”

His wanton tone causes my eyes to roll back, my head sinking into the pillows with a breathy groan. But the second I hear and feel the bed shift, I jerk my head back upwards, only to see him adjusting himself further, putting his face level with my entrance instead.

My breath catches in my throat as I suddenly become aware of his intentions, and it’s a wonder I don’t come prematurely simply from envisioning it.

“Jennifer,” he heaves, “I want to try something. Will you let me?”

I nod my head wildly, opening my legs even more for him in response. He grins at me, licks his lips once, and lowers himself down without another word.

The second his tongue comes in contact with my slit, I fall completely undone. I scream out, a hoarse, pleasured noise, reaching down with a hand and tangling my fingers through his brown strands. Josh, who must be encouraged by my response, continues. He licks up the length of my folds, gathering my moisture and just barely grazing against that sensitive bundle of nerves. I shriek at nearly every pass, my hips beginning to roll in time with his movements.

Josh reaches up with both hands to grasp my inner thighs, and hastens both his pace and intensity. He locates my clit, nuzzling against it with his nose for a moment and causing me to squirm, before tasting it for himself. He dabs at it with his tongue, flicking it with strong, purposeful movements. I’m already beginning to soar so high that my voice is going along with me, my mouth stuck open in a silent scream as I fly towards my quickly approaching orgasm.

I’m sure Josh senses this, because he slips his tongue away, instead clamping his lips around my bud and sucking on it instead. And without giving me any time to process that pleasure, he slips two fingers into my warmth, adding finger penetration to the oral pursuit.

The amazing melody of sensations, the intensity of it all, causes me to shatter in a way I’ve never experienced before. It’s like every bit of my body come alive, every bit of my being alighting with a blinding glow. A thunderous tremor shakes me almost continuously, my body convulsing as it rides out the powerful orgasm. And every bit of me absolutely explodes, a gush of my come escaping me in a rush.

Josh eagerly drinks it in, holding my jerking thighs down and catching every bit of moisture that leaks from my entrance. I heave and twitch and spasm for a while longer, before the orgasm leaves my system, and I’m left in a completely saturated bliss.

I practically melt into the mattress and pillows behind me, panting heavily and fighting to think straight again, to catch my composure.

Josh kisses my thighs sweetly as I come down from my high, and when I finally gain movement back into my muscles, I chance a glance at him. The smug grin he’s wearing, the arousal glistening on his chin as he gazes at me, is practically enough to fire me back up again, my body tensing beyond my control.

“Back for more, hmm?” he teases, and presses a kiss just above my second pair of lips.

Though on one hand I’m exhausted from the intense bout of pleasure I just experienced, my body jolts at the contact and begs for more on the other. A strangled, hoarse groan sounds from my throat, my head sinking back further into the pillows, and I can hear Josh chuckle once more.

“As you wish,” he growls, before nestling his face back against me.

This time, he changes things up. He licks downwards with his tongue, tracing over my seam before locating my entrance. And the second he finds it, he plunges his tongue inside of me, swirling it around and tasting every bit I have to offer. The sudden, foreign penetration causes me to wail, my numb body turning right back around and starting its journey towards that pleasured brink yet again.

In, out, in, out his tongue slides, and after he builds up a rhythm, he reaches up with a hand to give attention to my now pulsing clit. He rubs harshly, quickly, with the rough pad of his thumb, and a vast array of colors flash before my eyes, the sensations I’m experiencing practically other worldly.

A second orgasm is fastly approaching, my entire body beginning to draw tight like a taut bowstring. And when Josh murmurs against me, I teeter so close on the edge that it’s a wonder I don’t plummet.

“Fuck, Jen. You taste so amazing…”

The wanton twinge to his words results in a violent jerk, my body a hair from exploding. But right as it seems I’m about to fall victim to the intense feelings, right as my body takes a step out into open air, he’s gone.

I heave a shaky breath, gasping like a fish as a hint of composure floods back in. I shakily push myself upwards on my elbows to gaze at him in confusion, to question him, but he gently commands me before I get that chance.

“Roll over. I want us to come together.”

Can’t argue with that.

Without a single thought more, I roll myself on to my hands and knees, my slightly enlarged belly hanging down beneath me. I angle my hips back upwards towards him, spreading my legs again and giving him a perfect view, and access, of my pulsing, engorged nether regions.

I can feel more moisture seeping down my thighs, parts of my body entirely ready while others are still trying to catch up, my limbs trembling and feeling like jelly. But I shiver in anticipation of what’s to come, picturing the fullness of Josh within me.

I gaze over my shoulder to catch him stroking himself, his mouth slightly agape as he works himself even harder, if that’s even possible. I let out a whining moan, thrusting my hips back towards him and silently begging him to continue. And he complies with a rather dirty grin, kneeling behind me and situating himself directly at my entrance.

I feel his head breaching my folds, the tip sliding in ever so slightly. But I barely have time to process it, to appreciate the feeling, because in a single, rough thrust, he slides in as far as he possibly can, his pelvis smacking against my ass.

We both moan out in relief, remaining still as we feel we each other, take in the sensations our bodies are providing. He feels heavy, thick, but perfect within me, and I clench my muscles around him, cradling him tightly and welcoming every inch. Josh groans at this, but takes it as his cue to move, and starts with his thrusts.

Just like everything else tonight, he starts off slow, sliding almost all the way out before feeding himself back in. I can feel his each and every movement at this pace, his body flooding mine with warmth. He does this a few more times before my feral side takes the reins, and I find myself imploring for him to fuck me harder. Also like everything else tonight, he complies immediately, his hands finding perch on my hips to grip me as his thrusts intensify.

There’s an audible slapping noise as we grind into each other, mixed in with sweet sound of our pants and moans. I’m already so close to achieving orgasm that I worry I won’t be able to hold out long enough for him. So again, I beg.

“Faster, Joshy…Harder…”

And he finally seems to get the hint. Any caution he was using, any hesitation towards hurting me or being too rough, drains away. His fingers dig harshly into my hips, and be begins slamming into me, releasing every ounce of his pent up passion.

My mouth falls agape at his intense pistoning, and I find myself barely capable of holding up my body weight, my extremities shuddering and threatening to give way. I lean my head down on the mattress beneath me, angling my hips up more, which only changes the angle of penetration, every thrust hitting a more delicious spot.

His name starts leaving my mouth in a pleasured litany, breathlessly chanting it again and again as we travel hand in hand towards our preferred destination. I’m nearly there, so very close, my entire form tensing for the umpteenth time and preparing to shatter. And thankfully Josh is as well, his movements becoming shaky, erratic, hard.

He slams against my ass, grunting deep in the back of his throat, and after just a few more rough thrusts, I’m there. I leap up once, and then I’m freefalling, grasping Josh and pulling him with me; the second my orgasm washes over me, I clench around him like a vice, and it’s just enough to trigger his release as well.

We both sing our pleasures out into the silence of the room, my insides rapidly clenching and releasing, and Josh pulsating deep within me, filling me to the brim with his warmth. I’m absolutely delirious with ecstasy, and I barely even notice Josh slide out me whilst I come down from my high. I melt into the bed, flopping on to my side and panting heavily, my recovery sluggish and sweet.

I fight to catch my breath, slight aftershocks and tremors continuing to roll through me as I lie still. When Josh crawls up the mattress to lay down behind me, I welcome him, pushing my backside against his front and groping for his arm, which he reaches around with to tug me further into his embrace. His hand finds rest on my swollen stomach, and I splay my fingers atop his, holding him close.

There we remain in silence, nothing exchanged except for our deep breaths, our sweaty, glistening forms conforming to each other in the perfect fit. I can now safely say that no, this was the most pleasured I’ve ever felt in my life, undoubtedly the best act of intimacy I’ve ever shared with someone. And it was simply one session out of many to come I’m sure; I know the man behind me will never waste an opportunity to please me, to adhere to my every need. And I love him for it, I love him so much.

“…Joshy?” I finally breathe out, feeling his efforts need to be addressed.

“Hmm?”

“That…that was…”

I genuinely struggle for words, unsure of how to describe what I just experienced. But Josh understands, his body vibrating with laughter as he nuzzles against my neck.

“Yeah,” he chuckles, “Me too.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you…more.”

I scoff, shaking my head lightly against the pillows.

“Josh, no; I don’t have the energy for that shit right now…”

He snickers, peppering my collar and cheeks with kisses, and I continue, “Besides, we know the answer is that I in fact, love you more. But whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Mhmm, right, sure,” he laughs, “But does that mean I properly satisfied your desires? That I did my job?”

“Sure…For tonight,” I tease, and I can practically see him rolling his eyes.

We both settle into a relaxed silence, Josh nestling against the crook of my neck and our breathing gradually slowing. I feel absolutely content, absolutely comfortable, my eyelids drooping with sleep already. I feel utterly perfect, like I require nothing else in the slightest. So when slumber begins to call my name, I don’t fight against it, content with falling asleep as we are.

But something denies me that luxury.

My phone, which had been lying on the nightstand the entire time, suddenly illuminates with a notification, flashing against the amber color of the room’s lighting and fighting back with a bright, white glow.

My brows furrow in confusion, and I can feel Josh stiffen behind me as well.

“That’s…weird. What time is it, Joshy?”

“Has to be sometime after midnight I’m sure. Who would be contacting you this late?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe it’s Liz sending me a goodnight text,” I tease, “Or making sure I’m in bed.”

“Publicist mothering. Nothing new there,” he chuckles.

He loosens his grip on me, and allows me to reach across to my phone. I pull it close and hover over it closely, Josh remaining still and giving me the privacy I need. When I swipe my finger and unlock my phone however, I’m stunned to see that it’s not a text or a call at all. But an email.

An email from a contact I don’t recognize.

My confusion, and now my concern as well, escalates.

“Hun?”

Josh’s troubled tone fills my ears, his cryptic question not prying and allowing me to elaborate if I choose. Which I do.

“It’s…It’s an email from someone I don’t know. Do you know that address?”

I hold my phone out to him, so he can read the notification, and his brow furrows before he shakes his head.

“Nope. Maybe it’s someone from the cast alerting us of our traveling plans tomorrow or something? Wouldn’t hurt giving it a look and seeing who it’s from.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, “I’m just hoping it’s not like, some spam or stalker shit. If I open it and it’s someone saying they’re right outside our hotel door, I’m throwing this God damn thing across the room.”

Josh huffs with mirth, and I finally press myself to open the email, giving it a nonchalant read.

And another one.

And another.

My eyes are disbelieving. I can’t possibly be seeing this right now. This has to be some sort of sick joke, some sort of game. Someone is obviously trying to pull a nasty prank on me.

Or maybe it’s just a delusion, a nightmare. I shut my eyes tightly, praying that I’m simply dreaming, that I’ll wake up and be in Josh’s arms without problem. That I’ll be back without a single thing ruining my perfect night.

But when I reveal my blues to the world again, the terrible, threatening, hellish words before me leave me no mercy.

My breathing escalates, my heart beginning to hammer erratically in my chest, sweat starting to dot the crease of my forehead. Josh must sense my change in mood, because he pushes the concept of privacy aside, sitting up and snaking his arms tenderly around my shoulders.

“Baby. Jennifer, what’s wrong? What is it?”

I can’t respond. I don’t respond. Because as I shakily scroll down to confirm my greatest fears, to see who the email is from, my world comes to a dark, screeching halt. A trembling hand comes up to cover my mouth, a horrified scream building up in my throat. Tears immediately flood my eyes in response, and come billowing down my cheeks.

And when my eyes track the name again, my composure blows away like a fragile cobweb. I turn to face Josh, my only anchor towards sanity, and crumple pathetically against him, wailing my anguish and terror. Josh remains absolutely stunned, unable to process how I was so happy mere seconds ago, and am now bawling on his chest instead.

But he finally comes out of his shock, shakily and hesitantly grasping my back with one hand, and picking my phone up to read the email for himself with the other.

And what he sees drags him into the darkness as well, his entire form running stiff like someone electrocuted him.

Because there on my screen, lay the following words:

Jennifer,

It’s amazing the things you try and hide from me. Your career, your feelings, and now our child. It’s a wonder you’ve been able to keep it a secret for so long. But don’t feel like you can hide this from me any longer.

You’re a bit too lucky, Jen. You always have been. And frankly I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being stomped on by the remnants of our relationship, by you thinking you’re too good for me. And I will no longer tolerate it, especially knowing you carry something that belongs to us, that belongs to me.

In regards to my child, I see it necessary for you to get back to me immediately. Given that you planned on hiding this from me permanently, I will see to it that I will no longer be left in the dark.

If you wish to ignore this, to carry on with your hiding, so be it. But it’s my child too, Jen. And therefore I have every right to access it, and therefore you as well.

If you do not wish for the media to be alerted of your pregnancy, complete with a few more…tidbits of information I would provide, I suggest that you reply as soon as possible.

Meet me in the park closest to your hotel, and we will talk about this. Don’t think I don’t have ways of reaching you if you choose not to.

-Nick.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #Joshifer smut #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #NC-17 #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #...And one last character who shall not be named haha #Well also cock blocking Liz #Can't pass her up lol

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

Text

These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Fourteen

A/N: Oh my goodness gracious me. Chapter Fourteen, where did you even come from? The length of this chapter astounds me honestly, and it’s quite the roller coaster ride of different twists and turns. But I’m so excited about it, so happy to be at this point in the story.

A lot of things are established here, and it’s lovely if you ask me. I cannot be happier that I gave it an extra week, because I’m quite satisfied with how it turned out. And I hope you all are too! My apologies for keeping you all waiting, but I do hope you enjoy it.

In my usual style of long author notes, I’d like to thank each and every one of my readers for their constant support and interest. If you leave comments, reblog, or send me notes, it means the world to me, and gives me the inspiration to continue on. So truly, thank you.

Big thank you to my partner in crime catching-dandelions as usual, and also to joshifercakes and ohmyjoshiferr for being my cheerleaders this time around as well!

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooo…

There’s a warmth circulating through my veins, a familiar heat alleviating my body as I lean against it, and an odd blaze burning within my throat. But out of these numerous flame-esque sensations surging through my body, they are not the reason for my awakening.

To my utmost surprise, the baby is sitting low on my bladder. Again.

She seems to have a nasty habit of doing so while we’re flying, which of course, happens to be the one of the main times I don’t want to waste energy getting up and relieving myself. But between her weight and her nearly constant movements, she almost always leaves me no choice.

Tonight however, I find myself fighting particularly hard against rising out of my seat.

As my eyes flicker slowly into view and my surroundings come into focus, I realize that I’m still snuggled up closely to my rock. Sometime during the flight, we put the arm rest up that originally separated our seats, maximizing snuggling space for the both of us. I had dozed off leaning against him, and that’s just how I find myself now.

My head is still cuddled up against his shoulder, and our hands are still touching on their resting place, splayed across my somewhat rounded stomach. Somehow the blanket thrown messily across us managed to stay in place as well; we look practically untouched since we drifted off to meet each other in our dreams.

I blink a few times, and try to clear my slightly blurry vision, ridding my eyes of sleep. The plane is absolutely dark, sans a few lights illuminating the aisle and passengers behind us. I’m not sure what time it is, or where on our voyage we happen to be. I just know that it’s sometime way early in the morning, and we likely have hours to go.

With that in mind, my gaze droops, sleep beckoning my name and urging me to rest before the hectic schedule that lies ahead. I try and push the idea of getting up to the back of my head, not wanting to wake Josh or push drowsiness completely from my system.

Peanut however, must have different ideas.

She delivers a strong kick, or punch, directly to the front wall of my stomach, which in turns lands a wince on my face. It feels like my bladder practically shutters at the impact, and I gnaw on my lip, fighting the urge to talk to her or rub my belly like I normally do.

Letting out a long sigh, I throw in the towel and wave a white flag, knowing she won’t go down without a fight. And it’s a fight I figure I don’t need to be waging; accidentally peeing on my now-boyfriend isn’t exactly the best way to start a long month of working together.

So I chance a look at Josh to see where he stands in the snoozing scheme of things, slowly cocking my head upwards against his shoulder. Inching upwards only slightly reveals him not only to be conscious, but completely awake as well. He seems to be unaware that I’m watching him however, his gaze turned away from mine.

I stare at him through the darkness, a small smile crawling on to my face as I continue to watch. He’s looking intently out the window, his expression gentle, pensive. The occasional flash of the planes’ wing light casts various shadows and highlights, everything from his jaw to his forehead becoming a canvas of luminosity.

He looks so perfect, so peaceful, that I absolutely hate to disturb him. But Peanut tells me to “get on with it already” with another firm wriggle, so my soft whisper breaks the silent air.

“…Joshy?”

His head pivots immediately at the sound of my voice, and the second our eyes meet, he delivers a smile I know is reserved just for me.

“Oh, hey,” he murmurs, taking his hand off my stomach to wrap around my shoulder instead, “What are you doing up?”

“What do you think,” I mutter dryly, pointing down to my stomach and drawing a quiet laugh from him, “But I could ask you the same thing.”

His gaze visibly softens, before he casts it out over the void of the outside world again.

“I don’t know actually. Couldn’t really sleep, so I’ve just been sitting, thinking. And strangely enough, my throat started hurting for no reason at all. So that didn’t help.”

“What? Yours too?”

“Yours is hurting as well?”

“Yeah. Kind of has that scratchy, ‘I just downed a container of acid’ feel to it,” I huff, causing Josh to chuckle again.

“Weird. Maybe it was all that coke we drank earlier.”

“Could be; it’s Woody’s way of tormenting us. Even if he’s not here, he’s upset at our choices and is cursing us in spirit.”

Josh manages to keep his burst of laughter silent, but his eyes slam tightly shut and his face crinkles up, an expression that automatically makes the mirth contagious.

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Josh snorts softly, “And to be honest, all this laughter and talking probably isn’t helping, whatever it is.”

“Probably not. And all that coke definitely didn’t help my bladder situation either.”

“We’re just a mess,” Josh snickers, “And speaking of which, do you need to…?”

He gestures downwards to my lap, and I release a huff in return.

“Yeah, but I fucking hate airplane bathrooms.”

“I agree; it’s definitely not the ocean.”

“No, it’s not!” I laugh, “It’s one of the worst places to pee ever. I feel like the toilet’s a fucking blackhole trying to suck me in.”

“Well, if you’re not back in five minutes, I’ll assume you fell in and come to rescue you.”

I narrow my eyes, giving him a rather flabbergasted look.

“What the hell, Josh?”

“What?” he asks, his face falling slightly.

“Is our peeing agreement suddenly void to you?”

Seeing as I’m not truly upset with him, Josh falls into a fit of mirth again, clapping once but then stopping himself when his surroundings sink in.

“Jennifer, you know there’s not enough room in there for simultaneous peeing. Like we said, it’s not the ocean, babe.”

His terms of endearment have become such a regular thing within this past week that I no longer tease him for it, instead blushing slightly at their utterance.

“We’re over the ocean. Does that count?”

Again, he laughs, struggling to keep his noise level soft amongst the slumbering passengers.

“I’ll make it up to you when we get to Germany. When we get to the hotel, we can pee together to our hearts’ content.”

“Fine,” I huff out with a roll of my eyes, and Josh gives me a crooked grin. And, never wasting an opportunity to bathe in the indulgences of our new relationship, he places a sweet, short, parting kiss on my lips.

I linger for just a moment longer, before I break the connection between our mouths with a gentle smack, and pivot my body away from him to squeeze out of our seats. I chance a glance towards the back of the plane, squinting through the darkness as I try and make out other cast members, curious if they’re up as well.

I spy Francis and Nina, Nina slumped back against her seat in a restful pose, and Francis up on some kind of gadget, likely planning or straightening something out. My eyes then find Liam close by, though his posture is a bit less elegant than Nina’s; propped up on an elbow with his mouth hung agape.

A puff of laughter works its way out through my nose before I can stop it, and when my impatient baby reminds me of the task at hand, I finally make my way towards the front restroom.

The second I slip into the small space and lock the door behind me, I breathe out a sigh, my hands finding their habitual resting spot on my stomach.

“You need to calm down in there, you little monkey,” I whisper to her, conscious of my volume for once.

There’s only a slight pause, and up pops her usual answering flutter.

“I’m serious! We’ve had this discussion before, young lady,” I snort out, drawing a cliché, stern mother tone, “My bladder is not your pillow. Literally any other organ works. Just not that one.”

She only continues to move, so I roll my eyes and give in, shimmying my sweats and panties down and plopping myself down on the toilet.

“Or did interaction with Joshy make you excited again? I feel like this is a déjà vu, Peanut,” I murmur, recalling the recent time I landed in Louisville to reunite with Josh after months of separation.

My teasing attitude begins to drain away as my thoughts wander, seriousness and longing creeping in as replacements. I idly rub my tummy, and stare blankly at the wall as I continue my business.

“Wouldn’t it be something if he was your daddy, huh?” I sigh out, “I mean, he basically is already. I love him so much, and I can tell you already do as well. So I just wish there wasn’t…a single thing standing in our way. I wish we could just be…a family…No extra baggage, no threats, no…other…obligations to tend to…”

The word goes sour as my mind turns to Nick for a split second, but I aggressively push him away.

“But you know what? I’ll love you and Josh all the same no matter what happens. What do you think?”

Unsurprisingly, she squirms in practical response, and I don’t fight against the warm smile that overtakes my face.

“I do love you,” I coo as I finish up, “It seems like things are starting to work out. So maybe, just maybe, we can finally calm down now.”

I flush, wincing slightly at the loud noise, before going to wash my hands, a sigh escaping my lips as my baby continues to play soccer with my innards.

“That includes all the wiggling.”

I make my way out of the bathroom, and head back towards Josh, who, thankfully, is fully awake and eagerly awaiting my return. We make eye contact through the dimness, and exchange smiles. I finally make it back to our row, and plop back down in my seat, releasing a loud breath.

“Some rescuer you are.”

“I was just about to come and get you actually.”

“Yeah, mhmm…”

“I was!” he laughs softly, “Why, did you fall in? Did the toilet threaten to drag you into the abyssal doom?”

“Yes to one of those. And no, Peanut- or should I say, peeeee nut-,” I scoff, drawing yet another laugh from Josh, “-would not calm down. So I had to give her a little talking to.”

The brightness of Josh’s grin seems to illuminate our entire row, his face lighting up with amusement as he cups my stomach with a hand.

“Should I give it a try?”

“Noooo, you just make it worse!” I whine, and Josh cocks a brow.

“Worse?”

“Yeah, she seems to become way more active whenever you’re around. So I’m pretty sure talking wouldn’t help. Like, see- she’s moving right now. She won’t stop, Josh!”

“Hey, cut your mom some slack and go to bed,” Josh scolds playfully, gently, directing his voice down towards my womb.

And no surprise, she doesn’t listen, bumping around more and bringing out giggles.

“Wow, way to tell her,” I snort out.

“You have to give me credit for at least trying!”

We both continue to giggle for a while, before we fall into a hush, simply honing in on her movements and listening to the dull roar of the plane. And in the silence, in creeps the slight sorrow, right on cue.

My face must have fallen, because Josh gently presses the issue.

“Hey, you okay?”

I lift my head up to gaze into his eyes, his soft, compassionate, loving hazel eyes. I’m met with the same emotions, his face now mirroring mine, warping with slight confusion and concern. And, not wanting to repeat earlier situations, not wanting to put Josh through the pain of lies ever again, I reply honest and true.

“Yeah, I’m just…I’ve been thinking a lot about her, about us.”

“Oh?”

My words, oddly enough, take a deeper turn, emptying out a few stray worries that had been slowly been taking up space within my sub conscious.

“Josh, I love you so much for agreeing to help me, agreeing to help us. I love you for wanting to stay a part of my life, and become a part of hers. You’re understanding and patient and loving and….so many other things my brain can’t come up with because I’m not eloquent like you…”

He releases a single, soft puff of mirth through his nose, but continues staring intently at me, his gaze gentle as he listens.

“…But I just cannot help but think about how this is affecting you. Like, you jumped right into this.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No…I…Josh, does the fact that she may have a completely different man as her father bother you?”

My sudden, intense question seems to stun him, his gaze widening slightly. For a moment I’m almost worried that I was too forward again, or that I brought up a concern that doesn’t exist for him. But then, as usual, he eases my fears, a ghost of a smile easing across his features.

“You know, it’s funny, because that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about the majority of this flight.”

A flit of worry sparks within me, and Josh must sense it, because his arm comes to wrap around my shoulder again, tugging my body close to his and allowing me to relax under his soothing touch.

“I’ve been trying to walk myself through the facts, trying to look at things rationally,” he murmurs, “And I’ve come to understand that he’ll technically have a connection that I’ll never get to experience with her, something I’ll never be able to understand. He as her legitimate father carries an entirely different role. So while I may be around in her life, I’ll never truly have that paternal connection.”

A lump builds in my throat, and I open my mouth to argue against his point, but he continues before I get the chance.

“But you know what? I’ve been thinking that it won’t matter in the long run. I’ll love you the same, and I can tell I’ll love her the same as well. So regardless of what happens, I’ll try and be the best figure I can for her, for the both of you.”

I cannot help but smile at him, tears blurring my vision as blue continues to meld with hazel. I lean forward to press a soft kiss to his cheek, silently showcasing my appreciation and love, before continuing with my concerns.

“What happens when Nick tries to become part of her life though? You know he will…”

Josh releases a heavy breath out of his nose, and grasps at the back of his neck with his free hand.

“I’ve been pondering that also, and I’m not lying when I say it’ll hurt like hell,” he sighs, and I feel my throat clench again, a single tear escaping.

He notices immediately, and takes his hand from his neck to gently brush the moisture away with a thumb, before carrying on with his thoughts.

“…That’ll probably go for the both of us though. It’s something we’ll have to endure. It’ll sting, but we’ll face it together, Jen. And that goes for anything that may be ahead. Informing others, media, public relations, any of that shit…I’ll be right here with you.”

Tears stream down my face at almost a waterfall pace, and while I can mostly thank my rampant hormones, Josh’s beautiful, affectionate words are definitely also to blame. I burry my face into his shoulder, attempting to muffle my weeps, and he answers by leaning his head atop mine, tugging my body closer. He rocks us slowly back and forth in a comforting embrace, his warmth and tenderness never faltering.

“I love you, you know,” he chuckles softly, easing the mood a bit, “Which is why I’m willing to jump through all these hoops, and deal with any shit that may be thrown my- our, way. It’s why I jumped into this so suddenly, as you said. I’ve loved you for so long, so you damn well better believe that when an opportunity to protect you, love you, and become a part of your life arose, I took it without the slightest bit of remorse or hesitation. I’d literally do anything, just as long as it means I get to be with you.”

“Oh my God, Joshy…” I half whisper-half sob into his shoulder, struggling in vain to get my emotions under control.

Again, quiet puffs of laughter escape his nose, and he takes the time to pepper my temple with kisses.

“I love you too. God, I love you…” I gasp out, bringing my head off his shoulder to meet his eyes once more, “And I’m glad you feel that way, because there’s literally no one else I’d want by my side more.”

He gives me an incredibly warm smile, one that floods my body with its heat. But despite this, in my typical fashion of self-depreciation, I continue on in a more strangled tone.

“I’m sorry it took me so fucking long to get the guts to admit that and-“

My words only get swallowed into his mouth, as his lips press firmly against mine. The kiss only continues just long enough to shut me up, but I appreciate it, savor it, never tiring of the feeling of his taste and softness.

“Jen, let’s just focus on the present and the future. You don’t have to keep beating yourself up, especially since we’ve practically just been in a…fucked up relationship this entire time,” he snorts out, and I laugh despite my tears, “We’ve just never really admitted it upon ourselves until now. But that’s okay. It happened, and that’s all the matters. And now we have each other, always.”

“Thanks for your input, Mellark,” I tease.

“Shut up,” he chuckles, “On the brain I guess.”

“I really do love you, Joshy. I’ll…I’ll try and calm the hell down now, focus on…us.”

“I really do love you too. And sounds like a plan; join the club,” he laughs.

I return the laughter, but fall into a hush soon after, relaxing completely as take back my resting place against his shoulder. I feel absolutely content, utterly calm, because every single tribulation has been washed clean from my body.

There literally is nothing more to worry about. Because even if something does happen, I’ve got my rock to keep me stable, and while I knew that in my heart all along, his proclamation tonight solidified it.

I can legitimately focus on our relationship now and everything it entails. I really can have fun with him all throughout this promotion.

And throughout the rest of my life as well, with a little girl in the mix.

“There’s just one thing though,” his voice cuts back in, interrupting me from my deeper, serene thoughts.

“What?”

“All that talking really did a number on my throat,” he laughs, “If anything, I think I just made it worse.”

“Yeah no shit, mine’s killing me too,” I say, swallowing a few times and becoming increasingly aware of the terrible burn that follows.

“I think we just need to give it a rest.”

“Yeah,” I sigh out, cupping my stomach with a huff and drawing one last laugh from Josh, “If we can…”

xXx

Miraculously, everyone follows Josh’s advice, settling down for the rest of the flight and attempting to sleep the rest of the way to Germany. Peanut nestles down deep within me, her movements finally growing sporadic. Josh pulls the blanket back up over us, and leans back against the window to give me room. And I snuggle up as close as I can manage to him, utilizing his shoulder as my pillow and easily falling victim to slumber in the comfort and warmth of his embrace.

Unfortunately however, he and I experience quite a rude awakening once we land.

The plane slamming on to the runway is what rouses me initially. But the second I come fully to, I want to do nothing but scramble back into the land of dreams and serenity.

Because I feel absolutely terrible.

My throat burns with the intensity of a thousand desert suns, each swallow a painful task to complete. My head knocks and jostles even with the slightest movement, every heartbeat sending a pounding reverb through my skull. My sinuses feel incredibly clogged, the pressure making me feel like my face is close to imploding. And of course, it’s no wonder that I feel absolutely frigid, like someone pushed me outside the house naked in the middle of a Kentucky winter.

My body shivers uncontrollably the more I slip into consciousness, and I cannot help but let out a soft moan, voicing my discomfort. Even my baby seems to be a bit uncomfortable, only fluttering gently every now and then.

I’m surprised that Josh hasn’t said anything beside me, voicing his concerns or asking about my wellbeing. But when I pivot my head slightly to look at him, groaning at the lightheadedness that follows, I feel my heart sink.

Because he is completely sick as well, slumped against the window, his face mildly contorted in pain.

It’s a wonder how he and I managed to grow ill so fast, and simultaneously as well. There was barely any warning, before he and I got dragged into a terrible bout of sickness. And perfect timing too, considering we just landed in Germany, Mockingjay promotion directly around the corner.

Joy.

It doesn’t take long for Francis and Nina to notice our poor conditions, and the moment they do, they are quick to persuade us to stand up and get the show on the road, wanting to get us to the safety and comfort of the awaiting hotel.

Francis is quick to round up the rest of the cast, all of us hanging around in the aisle of the plane, before ushering us to exit. Nina keeps an arm on Josh and I, ensuring we don’t take a tumble if the dizziness proves to be too much. Despite the idea of a relaxing hotel room to look forward to, every step proves to be a challenge.

But somehow, we manage to step off the plane, survive the grueling wait through customs, ensure the wait for our bags, and remain conscious just long enough for a quick ride to the hotel.

Nina doesn’t let us stray from her grasp, escorting us from the car to the lobby, and from the lobby to the elevator. She takes the time to explain how Josh and I might have separate rooms this time around, to ensure we’re able to heal properly and not bounce the disease back and forth. When the illness gets the best of my already fragile body however, and I nearly faint in the hallway, kicking in an extremely worried and protective response from Josh, she decides to cross an X through that decision.

She takes us to a single, large suite, and plops us down on either side of the spacious bed. Our bodies flop rather ungracefully into the mattress, and there we remain, unmoving and silent.

We don’t speak to the multiple people that visit, first Francis to check in on us, and later a medical staff member hired to come directly into our room.

We don’t even speak to one another, remaining practically lifeless as the diagnosis rolls in. Somehow, we both managed to contract a nasty case of strep throat. Or moreover, one of us caught it, and gave it to the other through rather affectionate ways of disease spreading.

Regardless of how we got it, it’s smacking us both full force, our temperatures over one hundred and our bodies stricken with a vast array of symptoms. Due to my pregnancy, the medical staff works diligently on me, drilling me to drink plenty of water and giving me medicine safe for my unborn baby. To fully ensure Peanut and I’s safety, they stick around just long enough for my fever to drop, and when it does, they depart to give Josh and I some much needed rest.

Josh and I sleep for hours and hours, sprawled out atop the covers with the fan buzzing above, cuddled close despite the heat radiating from us.

And thankfully, it’s just what the doctor ordered, literally.

We sleep through the entire afternoon and night, and I awake early the next morning feeling slightly better. I’m absolutely drenched in a glistening sheen of sweat, and I realize my fever must have completely broken over night. I no longer feel too dizzy or lightheaded, the terrible pressure within the confines of my head easing up. My throat however, still burns with each swallow, and my nose is quite congested.

All in all however, I feel good enough to get up; maybe even to function.

I blink a few times, staring up on the ceiling and fixating on the whirring fan blades, allowing myself time to slip fully into consciousness. And the second I come to, only one thought fills the entirety of my brain.

Josh.

In a rash manner of thinking, I roll quickly on to my side to face him, and am met with a slight spell of dizziness as a consequence. I take a second to settle myself, cursing inwardly, before allowing my gaze to focus on the man of my affections, taking the sight of him in and assessing his health.

He’s still on his back, clad in the same clothes he traveled in. Unlike me however, he is not doused in sweat, instead sporting a few beads here and there. I figure it’s because he’s likely still running a fever, the illness not wanting to finish with him quite yet.

His limbs are flopped randomly at his sides, as if he’s trying to expose every bit of his body fully to the cool air, and his mouth is hung agape in slumber, soft, raspy breaths audible with every heave of his chest.

Part of me wants to let him sleep more, get the rest he deserves. But another part, a stronger, more insistent part, wants to wake him and nurse him back to health. Part of me wants to care for him, to cater to his every need, to thank him for everything he’s already done for me thus far.

Peanut flutters lightly inside me, breaking my thoughts, and I cannot help but smile to myself.

Is that what that side of me is? Maternal instinct? Caring deeply and loving intensely?

Whatever it is, it gets the best of me, and I decide to get him to join the living once more.

I attempt to snuggle as close as I can, but the position he’s currently in offers its challenges, his arms and legs blocking me access to lie down beside him. So minding the dizziness, I instead settle for hovering over him, placing my limbs on either side of his body and effectively straddling his abdomen, putting me directly at eye level.

I hold myself up on my hands and knees for the time being, not wanting to wake him or put too much pressure on my ever growing tummy. And, smiling wider, I lean my face close to his, letting a soft murmur travel through the silent air.

“Hey, baby.”

No response.

At first.

I’m about to lean in and whisper to him more, when I catch his eyelids squinting a bit tighter, a soft moan escaping his throat. He’s definitely awake and aware, but I won’t be satisfied until I see those handsome hazel eyes.

“…Joshy?”

The utterance of his name is just enough to do the trick. His eyes flicker slowly into view, and he blinks a few times before the recognition registers on his face.

“Oh-“ he seems to take notice of the position we’re in, and how close my head is to his, a hoarse chuckle sounding in turn, “Oh! You were talking to me?”

I furrow my eyebrows in disbelief, and lean backwards to sit back on his pelvis, my hands traveling to anchor on his chest.

“Um, yeah?” I laugh incredulously, “Who else would have been addressing?”

I’m not sure whether I imagine it or not, but it almost seems like Josh’s breath catches, his eyes flickering quickly down to where I’m resting upon him and then back to mine. He doesn’t give me time to ponder the thought however, but the image lingers in the depths of my mind and plays with kindling.

“I don’t know, your baby? Excuse me for having trouble differentiating between the terms.”

“Whatever,” I say with a roll of my eyes, “I meant you.”

He grins at me then, the playful crookedness sending warmth pooling within me.

“I see the affectionate terms are multiplying then,” he says, a bit of teasing flitting through his tone.

“Shut up. I told you they would slip out often. Besides, it’s not like they’re taboo anymore.”

He snickers, and brings his hands up to rest upon my lower back, silently ushering me closer.

“Definitely not. They’re welcomed with gratitude.”

I lean back in, hovering my face above his. But as our gazes meet in a perfect melody of blues and browns, and as I take the time to savor the feeling of his tender hands caressing my back, something unusual triggers within me.

I’m not sure whether it’s the position we’re currently in, the way Josh is looking at me, the love I feel for him at this current moment, or a mixture of sorts. Whatever it is, I cannot help but notice a quickly intensifying feeling. I blink a few times, disbelieving, denying that I could possibly be experiencing such an emotion at a time like this.

But what started out as a bearable heat, trailing after Josh’s fingers and swirling within the depths of my abdomen, has begun shaping into something all the more powerful.

It’s evolved into a fire, an all too familiar fire, and is beginning to consume me. I can feel it originating near my heart and stomach, and quickly crawling to my extremities, encasing every bit of me in warmth. It’s strange, considering I haven’t felt it in so long, so long that it’s almost foreign. I haven’t experienced any situation to prompt it, any situation for it to rage on, free and uncontrollable.

But now? Josh is entirely the one spurring it on.

Every gentle brush of his hands against my hips sends a blazing inferno up my spine, an aftershock of light shudders manifesting in response. Every lock of our gazes sends a strong pounding to my heart, and heat coiling in the pit of my stomach.

When I think about it, I realize the last time I was overcome with this feeling was from Josh as well.

There is something far more different about this instance however.

The fire is powerful, unrelenting, burning through me and igniting all throughout my body at even the slightest movement from the man I love. The fire is intense, quickly beckoning me and taunting me to douse it.

It could very well be my hormones taking control of my body and mind, making them thirst for a taste of something they’ve been deprived of.

But that’s not the only thing I notice.

As I continue to stare into Josh’s sweet, tender, loving eyes, our gazes searching and wandering through each other’s, I realize that there is more to this quickly burning firestorm, something that has never been there before.

There’s purity. There’s deep wanting. There’s love.

None of which have existed simultaneously together before.

There is however, a slight problem, one that may or may not be existent at all, one that’s currently the only thing holding my ravenous body back; timing.

Josh and I got into an official relationship only about a week back. Though, technically speaking, that doesn’t say anything about our closeness or the amount of love we feel towards one another. It simply locked us in to one another, and frightened off any doubt.

But even with that in mind, it’s still hard to speculate how Josh feels about the matter.

I shake my head slightly, hesitance and logic warring with my body’s ever growing hunger, and grit my teeth. I can’t do it, at least not now. I’ve got to ponder things a bit more, allow my mind to catch up with desires. I’ve also got to let my body, and his, heal from whatever ails them.

And most importantly, I can’t and won’t make the same mistake twice. Though this is the most intense, sudden, and unusual lust I’ve ever felt in my life, I’ll find ways to get around it for now. I’ll distract myself, take care of myself if I need to. I won’t force myself on him again, even despite the strong urges my pregnancy is decking out. Whenever it happens, he and I both need to be in the same boat. We both need to be ready for each other.

So before the wildfire within me burns every bit of my logic away, I take a moment to channel my utmost self control. I breathe deeply and gain focus back, bit by bit. I remind myself over and over again that we both need to heal, physically and mentally. I bash against the blaze, drawing myself closer and closer to safety.

And finally, the heat within me lowers to a bearable level, a level that leaves me able to function and think things through. However, it’s still existent enough to leave me longing for touch, longing to receive at least a taste of affection.

Snapping out of my trance and looking back at Josh reveals just what I may need, and I begin to lower my face to his with a chaste kiss in mind.

But oddly enough, and to my dismay, Josh denies me. He pivots his head away as my mouth comes for his, and I still, leaning back to gaze at him in confusion.

“Jen, that’s really not a good idea,” he speaks up, “You seem like you’re getting better, hun.”

I scoff, rolling my eyes in reflex, but the banter is just what I needed. If anything, it helps calm me down even more.

“You seriously think a little sickness is going to get between me and kissing my Spongy?”

“Yes!” he laughs, his voice wavering slightly, “I don’t want to make you sicker by transferring my disease ridden saliva.”

“Ugh,” I snort, crinkling my nose, “I think you just turned me off the concept of kissing for a while.”

“That’s the idea,” Josh grins.

I puff out my bottom lip, show casing the platypus expression that never fails to bring a laugh out of Josh. Though the stronger flames have receded just as quickly as they arrived, the desire to kiss him is still evident, love controlling my feelings more than lust now.

“You really don’t want to kiss this sweaty mess. I promise you,” Josh adds after a moment, and reaches around to brush some stray hairs away from my face.

“Well, I’m a sweaty mess too, so your argument is pretty invalid. Now come here, Joshy.”

I start to lower my head downwards again, but he shoves his hands against my chest, pushing me back.

“No.”

“Come here, Joshy!” I whine, squirming against his hold and struggling to get myself closer to him.

“No!” he laughs, fighting back and attempting to keep a firm grip on me.

His strength however, is not up to its usual par. The sickness is indeed weighing a bit heavier on Josh, and for that reason, he’s unable to wrestle and thrash against me as much as he’d like to.

So to my delight, I quickly begin to overpower him, leaning closer and closer until finally, I land a peck on his hot, dry lips.

I pull backwards to gauge his reaction, grinning triumphantly at my win, and he immediately lets out a scratchy groan.

“It was a valiant effort, Joshua. But in the end, I pulled ahead,” I murmur in an over dramatic tone.

“Sure, whatever, yeah; pick on the sick guy,” he chuckles hoarsely.

“I think you’re kind of missing the point though, because I’m still sick too. It’s not like I fucking feel fantastic, so what’s one little kiss, hmm?”

“Just don’t come crying to me when you feel this shitty again.”

Josh’s obvious discomfort tugs me back to the original task at hand, the actual reason for waking him up. With one last kiss to his lips, and a few pecks to his cheeks, I detach my body fully from the desire, and send my one-track mind in a different direction to solidify the control, piloting my pregnancy-laden conscious towards the maternal standpoint once more.

I roll off of him, scooching his limbs out of the way and snuggling up close to his side, propping myself up on an elbow to gaze at him.

“I’ll try not to. I just couldn’t resist-“ I gently trail my fingers along his jaw, across his cheeks, and over his lips, “-this.”

“You’re so stubborn,” he laughs softly, but falls victim to a fit of coughs, his voice finally giving out after all our talking and play fighting.

I don’t flinch away, instead moving my hand upward to stroke my fingers through his hair, soothing him as he continues to hack and gasp for air.

“I was going to ask you how you’re feeling, but ehhh...Pretty sure that just settled things,” I say when his chokes finally die down.

“That obvious, huh?” he croaks, but still manages to showcase a small smile like the trooper he is.

“Just a little,” I murmur, not halting with my caresses, “So you still feel like absolute shit? Not even a tad better?”

“Well, I don’t think my fever broke like yours did, because I’m still cold. My head’s still killing me too, and my throat hasn’t stopped burning.”

My face falls as he describes his condition, my heart clenching in my chest. Though it hurts me to know Josh is so unwell, I cannot help but feel a bit relieved as well, now entirely thankful that I didn’t try for sex; it likely wouldn’t have worked physically or mentally.

So with the thought completely flushed out of my mind for the time being, I can focus on caring for him like I originally intended, before my powerful hormones and urges tried to take the reins.

“Do you need me to get you anything?” I speak up, breaking the slight pause, “Like some water or something?”

Josh’s face visibly softens, a ghost of a smile creeping its way across his lips.

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything for me, babe.”

“Yes I do. You’ve been so…considerate and helpful with me, Josh. It’s the least I can do.”

I watch as a subdued red eases across his cheeks, his smile growing shy around the edges.

“But I just want you to rest, and I-“

Again his voice fades into nothingness, and is replaced by a near constant stream of coughs. Instead of sticking around to ride it out with him however, I roll off the bed, and head towards the bedroom’s door.

“Jen-“ he attempts to argue, but cannot get more than a few words out without choking. I continue on then, paying his feeble dispute no mind.

Though I’m still slightly dizzy, I walk towards the bathroom, snagging a cup and a small washcloth. I wet the fabric in the sink, allowing it to saturate and grow moist and cold, and fill the cup up with tap water.

I re-emerge into the bedroom after no time at all, waltzing up to the bed and finding Josh still in the middle of a coughing fit. I set the cup of water on the nightstand within easy reach, and plop back into bed with the washcloth in hand.

I address Josh’s face as he wheezes, softly rubbing the fabric against his skin to rid him of sweat and cool him down. I press it to his forehead, to his jaw, and to his neck, trying to cover as many areas as I can.

Eventually, his rampaging lungs leave him alone, and he catches his breath, turning his gaze slowly to watch my work. He leans into my touch, and I smile softly, carrying on with the minor treatment. When I think I’ve covered the majority of his face, I drape the cloth over his forehead, allowing it to sit and offer him continuous comfort.

“Alright,” I say as I grasp for the cup I left, “Do you think you can sit up?”

He nods, and pushes himself slowly up on his elbows, leaning back against the headboard. He blows out a long breath, likely experiencing dizziness, and I give him a moment before lifting the rim to his lips.

“Here, hun. It’s just water.”

He bobs his head again, but when he reaches for the cup with a hand, I stop him with mine.

“No, let me.”

His eyes meet mine momentarily, and I brace for a defiant series of croaks. But instead, he smiles softly, hoarse, quiet snickers sounding from his sore throat.

My facial expression mirrors his, and I lift the cup to his lips once more, gently tilting it and allowing the water to quench his parched mouth. He sips loudly, greedily, swallowing large mouthfuls of water and releasing humming sighs. I can imagine it feels wonderful on his raw throat.

He pauses after a few gulps, and looks up from the cup to lock our stares.

“You know, Jen,” he rasps, his voice slightly muffled, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost say you’re babying me.”

My cheeks flush a deep crimson, and I push the cup back against his lips to shut him up. He snickers hoarsely, and I can see the amused twinkle in his hazel eyes.

“You’re going to make a wonderful mother.”

The sudden, affectionate comment results in an even redder blush, and I worry my bottom lip between my teeth. Not knowing how to respond to such a meaningful compliment, and wanting to keep my composure intact, I push the cup towards him again.

“Drink…Drink up, Spongy…”

He grins at me, but complies. When he finishes off the liquid, I place the cup back on the nightstand, and turn my attention fully to him, going back to stroking his hair.

“Thank you,” he murmurs softly, staring up at me with a gentle gleam in his eyes.

“You’re welcome. Do you feel any better now?”

“Well, I feel less sweaty, less hot, and my throat isn’t hurting as much now. So yeah, thanks.”

“No problem, Joshy,” I murmur, and lean in to give his cheek a quick peck, despite the hesitant look he gives me, “I love you.”

His expression softens again, and he reaches around me to splay his fingers across my back, rubbing and caressing where he pleases.

“I love you too.”

We both fall into silence then, mutually tired from being up so long with our illness. I snuggle myself back down against the bed, cuddling close to Josh and leaning against his chest. The arm that on my backside never falters, instead clutching me tighter in a sort of embrace as we lay together.

It immediately has a calming effect on me. My eyes begin to flutter shut once again, and my mind empties itself of deeper thoughts, everything relaxing beneath his touch. It’s so calming in fact, that I wish I could stay here forever, wrapped up in Josh’s arms without a care in the world, free to kiss him and embrace him without having job responsibilities to tend to.

My brows furrow, and I sit up abruptly as a thought suddenly eases its way back into my sub-conscious. Because speaking of job responsibilities…

“Fuck…” I groan, resting my head in my hands and letting out a long sigh.

“Jen?” Josh asks, sitting up as well, a bit more slowly than I had, “What’s wrong?”

“I just realized that I have to go to that fucking talkshow tonight…”

An odd silence follows my words. Out of curiosity, I turn my head slightly to gaze at Josh, only to find him staring at me with a mildly quizzical expression.

“We have to go on that fucking talkshow tonight. You do know I’m part of the cast, right?”

“Yes, asshole…” I mutter, combating against his sarcasm and drawing an amused grin, “But you said it yourself; you feel like shit. So I want you to stay here and rest up.”

His grin immediately falls, his face hardening slightly.

“I don’t care how I feel. I’m coming with you.”

“Josh, I love you, but you need to stay here. Do you know how many fucking interviews and shit we have ahead? I don’t want you to be sick for those either. I want you by my side. So just take one more night to heal.”

“Jennifer, I haven’t been able to be by your side all these months. What if something happens to you, to her?”

He gestures to my stomach, and I heave a sigh, knowing that his stubbornness is only surfacing because he wants to protect me.

“Nothing will happen to me, Joshy,” I murmur gently, reaching out to cup his jaw tenderly, “I’ve got…”

My words shut off as a sudden realization smacks me directly in the face.

“Liam!” I exclaim, “Josh, we could catch Liam up on everything, and he could be there as my extra layer of protection while you stay behind and rest. You know he wouldn’t let anything happen to me either.”

Josh stares at me, his face falling and growing a bit more sorrowful, a heavy sigh easing from his lips.

“Yeah, I know…” he mutters, “Jen, I just…I’m so tired of not being able to be there for you, babe…”

I feel my face soften at his confession, and my thumb begins smoothing soft circles against his cheek.

“You’ve always been there for me. To the best of your ability, that is. You’ve always been my rock, Josh. It’s my own fault that I put a wall up between us. You have nothing to feel guilty for.”

I lean in, and press another kiss to his cheek for emphasis, allowing my lips to linger a bit longer on his warm skin.

“Alright? Really, Josh, I’d rather you miss one little talkshow than a premiere or all the interviews ahead. This is your catch-up night.”

He casts his gaze downwards, and remains silent. I can practically see however, more argumentative points boiling up within his mind. He’s going to keep fighting back against me, when I know the best option for him is to stay here. I need a better point to shut him up, something that will stun him into silence.

I worry my lip between my teeth, and think furiously. Suddenly, a rash thought from earlier climbs up from the depths, and settles itself directly in my sub-conscious. I gasp slightly at its utterance, a bit of anxiousness and nerves surging as a result.

It’s a bit bold, and a bit inappropriate for that matter. But perhaps it could also do me good.

If I proclaim it, I could see how comfortable Josh is with the matter, just for future reference. If I utter it, I could gauge his reaction and take steps from there. And I know such methods of tempting and teasing have worked in the past. It could possibly be my only way to prevail over his obstinate attitude.

So I take a deep breath, and force out the comment before I can think otherwise.

“You know, Josh,” I say, my voice unintentionally taking a purring quality, “If you stay here and get better, then I’ll be able to properly…thank you later.”

And unsurprisingly, and to my pure relief, I get exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

His hazel gaze widens, and his jaw clenches tightly, staring at me in disbelief as if the words I uttered weren’t real. His mouth then falls slightly agape, and he remains silent, likely floundering for words. Which is perfect, and just what I wanted.

I flash him an endearing smile, fighting to hold back my triumph for winning, and ease my head forward to press a gentle kiss to his lips. I roll off the bed afterwards, with the intent of letting my potent words sink in and escaping before my body actually gets any funny ideas again.

But my words certainly do carry backing behind them. Later. Definitely later.

“I’m going to go take a shower, and then we can call Liam, okay?” I call back to the very stunned and likely heated Josh, “I love you, hun!”

And no more arguments are to be had the rest of the night.

xXx

Thankfully, miraculously, everything goes as planned.

After cleaning off and relaxing a bit, Josh and I muster up the courage to call Liam into our room. We then pour out everything to him, catching him up on everything he needs to know.

We tell him about my pregnancy, father situation and all. We explain how all my pain during the last few months manifested from fear and abuse. We explain why I waited so long to inform anyone, my closest loved ones especially. We explain that we’re trying to keep my pregnancy as incognito as possible, taking advantage of my quite small stomach and hiding it away to the best of our ability.

And of course, Josh particularly emphasizes how much Liam needs to keep me safe, because of our current relationship status and therefore his upped sense of protection.

Though it’s a lot for Liam to take in at once, and he seems utterly surprised in parts, he listens intently, not questioning anything we say. I’m so relieved, because it’s one more person on my side, one more person who understands and is willing to help.

My bear and my rock on my side all throughout Mockingjay promotion. Couldn’t ask for a better team to back me up.

After we wrap up our lengthy discussion, it’s nearly time to head over to the German talkshow, Wetten Dass. With a few more pops of pills and a stream of kisses to Josh, I head off with Liam, feeling comfortable and unafraid. My dress manages to conceal my slightly rotund tummy quite well, and you wouldn’t know I was expecting unless a close inspection was given.

So when Liam and I are on the show, everything is calm and laid back. Even when the interviewer questions Josh and I’s mutual illness, I manage to skate around the question without working up a sweat, enjoying myself. Peanut seems to be a bit confused with the noise, only fluttering occasionally, but I’m thankful for her subdued activity level as well.

Not fretting over peeing every five seconds is one less thing to worry about.

The show continues flawlessly, nothing going wrong. Liam and I share some friendly moments, and have a good time together. I do miss my rock however, and I don’t forget about his absence, managing to snag a slice of cake we worked on for him.

But I was entirely right about letting Josh stay behind, because it does him good. His much needed rest allows him to heal a bit, the dizziness receding and the coughs lessening up, allowing him to function like an actual human being again.

So when we head off to London for the next step of our Mockingjay journey, he’s well enough to partake, which I couldn’t be more thankful for. Along with Liam, we do interview after interview together the first morning we stay there. It’s exhausting for us, but we both manage to pull through, sneaking a few naps in between if necessary.

And after the constant stream of interviews wraps up, the big event is left, towering threateningly over us and crushing us with its weight.

The first Mockingjay Premiere.

Tons of screaming fans, more interviews, paparazzi, red carpet walks, and the entire movie to sit through; a smorgasbord of activity.

But Josh and I are prepared to get through it, together. We’re healed just enough, and are locked and loaded, ready to go and participate. We figure the sight of all the excited fans will motivate us enough to keep going anyway.

We have about an hour left before we have to show up on the carpet. Our publicists flew in earlier to meet us for such a momentous event, and are currently moving the show along, bringing various teams in to work on Josh and I.

They somehow managed to rip the two of us apart, not wanting our banter to make us late, and are working on us separately. Melissa hoisted Josh away into a separate room to dress him and fluff him up, and Liz stole me into the bedroom, where she got teams to do my makeup and hair.

And now, she’s left me with a couture dress to change, stepping out of our suite entirely to consult with Melissa and leaving me alone in my thoughts. As I stare at my scantily clad reflection in the mirror, my eyes tracing over every curve and valley of my changing body, I cannot help but feel slightly nervous.

I always feel bouts of worry before a large event, never able to dismiss all those eyes staring at me and all the questions being thrown my way. But this is stemming more towards my pregnancy.

The dress behind me on the bed is a bit tighter than the one I wore for Wetten Dass, and though Liz assured me it would be fine, I cannot help but fret about revealing my most precious secret. Images of tabloid articles, paparazzi flashes, and news articles swirl in the depths of my mind, drawing a shaky sigh from my lips.

I pivot before the mirror every which way, experimenting with sucking my stomach in, or setting my shoulders back differently, trying in vain to conceal myself even further. Though time is ticking, I’m far more concerned with myself and my baby, completely focused and locked in on my reflection like a bout of vanity.

So focused in fact, that I don’t notice the gentle slam of the bathroom door shutting, indicating that someone else is in the suite with me. It’s not until I hear a voice however, that I snap out of my trance, darting my eyes towards the source.

But I never could have prepared for what lies before me.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, I-“

And the voice, along with everything else, freezes.

Time stands still as we stare at each other, unmoving and barely breathing. We hold each other’s gazes, unsure of what move to make, trying to feel the situation. Blue remains locked tightly with hazel, intense emotions of awe, embarrassment, and love dancing about within.

I’m left wondering if one of us is going to be strong enough, bold enough, to break the inevitable barrier holding us both back. I fight for the courage to do so, attempting to rip my eyes away from his. But miraculously, Josh beats me to it.

And just like that, another emotion joins the mix, one I didn’t expect but certainly don’t complain about. Like a spark, it ignites between us, overwhelming the senses and encasing us both in heat. I can read all the signs just by looking at him. His tightly clenched jaw. The void of black rushing into his irises. The tense stature of his body. And the most obvious sign of all, visibly hardening before me.

With his eyes tracking all over my exposed body, I take it as the green light to do the same, taking my time as I look him over, properly, intently. It’s the first time I’ve done so, at least like this. It’s the first time I’ve been able to stare at his naked form, without the slightest feeling of regret or anxiety. It’s the first time I’ve been able to take in the sight of him with feelings of possessiveness and pure adoration, knowing that what I’m seeing is for my eyes and my eyes only.

And the fire that I had been holding back before bursts through in a flaming floodgate. It barely gives me any time in between, jumping straight from normalcy to utter infatuation the second my eyes travel downwards, my body immediately voicing its needs.

Moisture from the shower still clings to his skin, giving it a glimmering sheen as the droplets travel downwards in looping paths. His muscles are perfectly defined and shaped like a sculptor newly carved them for my lingering eyes. A soft layer of hair dusts his chest, plunging down his abdomen and to regions below. And his length, engorged, pulsing, absolutely transfixes me, because I know I’m the one controlling its effect.

But Josh is not alone in this. The sight of his clean, bare body before me certainly does wonders.

I can feel myself trembling, the inferno within taking over every bit of my senses. My breathing is shaky, nearly every breath catching. There’s a tightness in my stomach that I know isn’t from my baby, warm and clenching, the most intense it’s ever been. And like clockwork, moisture begins to seep between my legs, my entire body screaming for something only Josh can give me.

“Damn…” I hear him whisper, his attraction and interest in my body, even despite the changes my pregnancy has made, making me all the more needy for him.

But despite our powerful, mutual, and ever growing arousal, despite the fact that we are both seemingly ready, we hesitate, the same concerns likely plaguing our minds.

Sex has caused problems in the past, obviously. I’ve gone through hell and back again because of it, a whole new array of problems taking hold of my life simply from one trivial act. And the timing, God, the timing. How wrong would it be to have sex with my boyfriend, nearly two weeks at most into our relationship? Most would consider it ridiculous, unspeakable.

Then again, Josh and I’s relationship is ridiculous in itself. We’ve always been for breaking logic.

And with the idea of actually being in relationship with Josh in mind, my thoughts switch to more positive ones.

We’ve waited for each other so long, fought for each other, gone through the worst for each other. We’ve gone through so much shit to get up to this point, and now here we are, able to share in the most intimate act with one another. Freely. Openly. Absolutely nothing holding us back.

We’ve been craving each other for so long. We’ve died for each other’s touch. And this is a large opportunity, standing just within reach.

It has its ups and downs however, and we both seem to be aware of that, still motionless as we stare each other down. Slowly, hesitantly, my eyes travel back up to Josh’s, meeting them almost immediately. Our mouths are both agape with heavy pants, nostrils flaring, fists trembling, limbs shaking.

Being as in sync as we are, we both take a small, lurching step towards each other simultaneously, barely shuffling across the carpet. And then, just like a rubber band pulled far too taut for far too long, we snap.

We rush towards each other in a flash, and meet somewhere in the middle, our bodies melding together as one, like they were made for each other. Our pelvises grind, our chests press together, and our lips lock in the perfect fit, peppering each other with sloppy, desperate kisses, savoring this newly found freedom and pushing the whole threat of sickness aside. Hell, we push everything aside, not worrying about time, the impeding premiere, or any other problems.

We simply lose ourselves in another, wrapping every bit of our being and giving ourselves to our love, to our pure, untouched desire. To something we’ve never experienced before with each other, at least not like this.

Josh’s hand hike into my hair, tugging me as close as possible. I return the gesture, threading my fingers through his damp, dark strands, tugging and drawing a moan that causes me to melt. My tongue slides out of my mouth, and traces the seam of his bottom lip, begging him for access. He complies immediately, and our tongues meet, twirling and dancing together.

I relish in the sweetness of his taste, the warmth of his heavy pants, the gentleness of his scent, the feeling of his body contorted to mine.

Every kiss, every caress, solidifies our relationship further. With every pass of our tongues and tug of our teeth, our love grows stronger. And in turn, our need becomes stronger as well.

I can feel Josh pressing between my thighs, and I whimper audibly, a sound that causes him to shudder beneath my touch. Like the last time, we’re both desperate to move things along. So for that reason, our once stagnant hands begin to wander.

With his mouth latched brazenly on my neck, nipping and bringing forth sighs, Josh’s hands make quick work of my bra, unclasping the back and allowing it to fall to a heap at my feet. He then eases downwards, pressing kisses down my body as he goes and causing me to squirm, before his long fingers find the band of my panties, tugging them off without delay as well.

And when he eases back into a standing position, the lust in his gaze is enough to send a ripple of shivers down my spine.

“Fuck, Jen,” he murmurs, “Fuck, you’re so gorgeous…”

I don’t even get time to reply before his lips have captured mine. As our mouths glide and slide together, I trail my hands downwards, tracing his spine and muscles before settling on his ass. I take the time to fondle it, squeeze it, savoring the firmness beneath my hands and the noises Josh releases in turn.

He retaliates, his fingers walking down my chest and claiming my breasts, grasping them in time with my movements behind. We both moan through our kisses, our lips vibrating and driving us closer to oblivion. I can feel my wetness leaking down my thighs, and Josh’s burgeoning erection continues to grow harder and harder.

I inhale a quick, heaving breath to gain something resembling control, and trail a single hand between our bodies. I reach up to grasp one of Josh’s hands then, and tug it downwards, allowing our fingers to trail down my skin. He breaks his lips away from mine, but only to intently watch my movements, his ebony stare locked on our conjoined hands.

Without the slightest bit of hesitation, I press his hand between my legs, dusting against my folds. I want him to see what he’s doing to me, how crazy he’s driving me, how much I want him, how utterly sure I am that I would settle for no one or nothing else.

I can feel his breath catch, his fingers moving slightly and gathering my wetness. His gaze travels up to meet mine, and we share an intense, lustful, yet affectionate stare, establishing that we are completely mutual with our wants. And then we fall victim to desperation yet again.

We both rush towards the bed, but not before Josh can give a flick to my clit, drawing a squeak from my throat and smug smile to his face. I flop down first, my legs immediately falling open for him and perfuming the air with my musky scent. But he doesn’t hover over me, nor does he crawl up my body.

Instead, he climbs on the mattress beside me and reaches over, grasping me and tugging me on top of him. Locked in the troughs of desire and feral lust, and he’s still mindful of my pregnant belly. How very Josh.

I lean over him with gratitude, sliding my legs on either side of his pelvis and effectively straddling him once more. Our mouths find each other without delay, and our bodies begin to roll and rock together, so close to achieving what they’re screaming for.

Josh’s hand remains between my legs, and he wastes no time in rubbing my clit, his fingers moving in tight, torturous circles. Since we’re not holding back with anything this time around, I certainly don’t hold back with my pleasured vocalizations either, releasing hoarse cries into the silence of the hotel room. I watch as Josh’s eyes roll at my noises and arousal, his body stimulated to the maximum.

And I don’t want to deny him any longer, both of us reaching the breaking point.

Though it’s the most pleasured I’ve felt in my life, I somehow manage to reach down between us, finding Josh’s rock hard length and wrapping my fingers tightly around it. It’s his turn to groan, his eyes shutting tightly and his hips bucking up in response.

I stimulate it for a moment as he continues to stimulate me, working my hand up and down in time with his fingers down below. We both grunt and pant and shudder, before Josh can take it no longer.

“Jen…” he gasps out, “Baby, I…I’m not going to make it if we…”

And I understand immediately, because I’m feeling quite that way myself. Instead of pumping him more, I position his length between my legs, situating it just a breath away from my entrance. We both moan at the feeling, and I take a moment to rub the head through my folds, coating it in my arousal.

“Babe,” Josh whimpers again, “Please…”

I inhale a shaky breath, bobbing my head and leaning forward to kiss him, this time softly, sweetly. And with our lips conjoined, I prepare to conjoin our bodies as well, easing the tip of him into my warm, wet depths.

A cry builds in its earnest within my throat, but just as it reaches my lips, a series of knocks startles me so much that I fall off Josh, tumbling ungracefully on to the mattress. We’re both frozen for a moment in pure shock, before the intensity of the situation sets in. We scramble for any kind of coverage, diving beneath the covers together and shielding our naked forms from any possible prying eyes.

“Jennifer? Jennifer, are you in there?”

Liz.

I have to muffle my groan of pure embarrassment, disappointment, and annoyance, composing myself for a moment before answering.

“Um…Yeah, Liz!” I answer back, my voice strained and husky.

I’m not sure how much she heard, how much she knows what Josh and I were just doing. Hopefully not in the slightest.

“…Are you ready? We have to go in about five minutes.”

“Fuck,” I whisper to Josh, but he seems all too focused on trying to calm himself down, “Um…I need a moment, but I’ll be ready.”

“Jennifer,” she warns, and I can practically see her scowl through the door.

“No, I’m serious, I will be! Five minutes. Got you.”

“Can I come i-“

“-No!” I shriek, slapping a hand over my mouth and fighting to cover the fact that Josh and I are both very naked in bed together, “I mean, no I’m…I’m not dressed yet. Five minutes, Liz. Five minutes.”

I can hear her groan, and I swallow hard.

“Why the hell aren’t you dressed yet…”

“Becaaaussee…” I draw out, groping for a lie and struggling to think straight with my still-buzzing mind, “Because Peanut kept on making me pee. It doesn’t matter, Liz, I’ll be ready. Clock is ticking.”

I hold my breath as silence follows, and then her sigh is audible from behind the wooden barrier.

“Hurry.”

With that single word ensuring she won’t barge in on us gives Josh and I the go-ahead to move, and we absolutely scramble. We shoot out of bed, and fly around the room, quickly locating our articles of clothing and slipping into them as fast as we can manage. I pull up my panties and clasp my bra, and shimmy into my dress for the first time. I then come to the terrible realization that I can’t wear a bra with it, this being the one time I’ve worn it.

“Fuck…” I hiss out at the predicament, knowing I have to throw off my dress again. But Josh seems to be having troubles of his own as well.

His dress shirt and blazer is on, his tie thrown messily around his neck, but he’s struggling with his pants, unable to deny the giant bulge in his front.

We lock eyes for a moment, giving each other looks of sympathy and longing, before we continue on.

And finally, when we’re all situated, looking more or less presentable, we cannot be any more uncomfortable, our bodies utterly unsatisfied and still calling for attention. I walk out of the room casually, Josh trailing behind me, and have to deal with an earful from Liz, Josh from Melissa.

They both scold us for waiting until the last minute, and messing up our hair and makeup, and we retaliate that we were tired and in bed, thinking up lies to throw them off our path. They grumble and fume, but knowing that time is so limited, they have no choice but take us downstairs without another word.

Complete disappoint and dismay floods my system, but Josh is quick to remedy that, sneaking up to my side and whispering a few words that nearly cause me to leap back on him then and there.

“I’m not finished with you yet.”

He sticks to his word. After being so rudely interrupted, and left feeling uncomfortable, empty, and incomplete, we snag the first opportunity we get to continue with one another.

And that opportunity arises in the back of our limousine. Liz, Melissa, and the rest of the cast all take separate vehicles, leaving Josh and I to our unfinished business. The second we scooch into the back seats, we are upon one another again, now even more urgent than before.

We barely touch each other, already so aroused from moments ago. We just cut directly to the chase, slamming the partition window and dealing with our clothes. Josh shakily and hastily unbuttons his pants, and simultaneously slides them and his boxers down just enough so his erection leaps free. I too, barely mess with my clothing, simply hiking my panties to the side and climbing up over Josh’s lap, situating myself where I was.

And when I finally slide down on to him, engulfing him deep within me, we both cannot help but cry out at the feeling.

It’s unprecedented, indescribable, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Being so close to the man I love, being able to share this with him, without any tribulations or worries, is the most intimate experience. And the awe of the situation must be mutual, because we remain still for a split second, breathing against each other’s lips and releasing shaky whimpers.

And when we start to move, our hips lifting and dropping and meeting each other in the perfect melodic set of movements, the feeling only intensifies. Each thrust of Josh up into me, his girth stretching me wide and filling me completely, releases years of tension. Each moan, grunt, and sweet noise from us is practically a way of saying I love you. Each erratic grind of our pelvises, and urgent pass of our hands, breaks down every last barrier between us. We have given ourselves completely to one another, joined in body and spirit. We are inseparable.

Josh and I are already incredibly close to the precipice of ecstasy, teetering on the very edge after being denied for so long. I move furiously, picking myself up and slamming myself on to his lap at a furious pace, swallowing him up again and again. His hands guide me, holding my hips and aiding with my movements. I practically scream against his lips, throwing my head back and singing my strangled, pleasured litany to the ceiling as he hits just the right spot within me.

I begin seeing stars with every thrust, my body a wound coil preparing to spring. Josh must be nearly there as well, his movements becoming jerky and erratic. He must be aware however, because his shaky hand comes to the juncture of our thighs, locating my clit and pressing against it.

And the very second he rubs that tight bundle of nerves, I become absolutely undone. My insides clench once, and then release in absolute euphoria, exploding and glimmering in a pleasured supernova. It’s so intense that my loud scream lodges itself in my throat, my neck craned back in a silent cry as my eyes slam tightly shut.

I hold on to him for dear life as my entire body convulses on top of him. He comes a few moments later, grunting loudly and emptying himself within me, my body welcoming his warmth.

The bliss that consumes me afterwards sends me toppling atop Josh, drooping against him and leaning my forehead against his. He slumps back against the seat of the limo, his arms shakily coming around to rest on my lower back. Nothing is exchanged between us, simply panting against one another and coming down from the highest peak together.

When Josh recovers enough, he begins softly rubbing my back, and my eyes open to meet his glazed over, euphoric stare.

And that’s the moment I realize that this, this act between us, was absolutely right.

Because unlike last time, there are no tears to be shed, no frowns to be held. But instead, smiles. Warm, beautiful, relaxed smiles, which eventually morph into breathy giggles.

We kiss each other softly, sweetly, beaming against each other and bathing in the wonderful afterglow, free to love each other as we were meant to be.

And after a period without speaking, Josh finally breaks the silence, a goofy, dazed grin on his face.

“Well,” he chuckles, “That’s one way to completely solidify a relationship.”

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #Joshifer smut #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #NC-17 #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #*Kisses this chapter and sends it on its merry way*

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

Text

These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Thirteen

A/N: Lucky number thirteen, right? But hello everyone! I hope you have been having a lovely week so far, bathing in all the Joshifer goodies and what not. And I’m hoping to add to that with this lovely update right here!

Can you believe we’re halfway through this story, because I certainly can’t. It seems like just yesterday I was making preparations for this story and planning for it, and now the glass is half full.

But anyway, I’ll stop getting all emotional lol, and I hope you all enjoy!

As usual before you get reading, I’d like to take a moment to thank anyone and everyone who has offered me support, whether in the form of likes, reblogs, comments, or just general encouragement. It gives me the strength to keep on writing, so I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you.

And also, big thanks to my partner in crime catching-dandelions, for helping me add particularly demonic bits of dialogue and for offering her support as well.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooo…

I’ve undergone my last test. I’ve watched the last bits of fluids travel down through my IV. I’ve had my sleep interrupted for the final time in order to receive the last dose of my medicine. I’ve had the concluding phases of my care, because thankfully, finally, I’m taking the steps that ensure my discharge from the hospital.

It seems like I’ve been trapped in the sterile, white prison of the hospital for days and days, when in reality, it’s merely been an overnight stay. But being the impatient, energetic, never sit still kind of type, I find myself growing more and more eager to leave, tired of being contained on a creaky old bed.

I just want to leave with Josh, my boyfriend, and my unborn child, my sweet baby girl, in peace. I no longer want to be interrupted. I no longer want to be in this unfamiliar environment. I want to go home, and focus on the two of them.

So I couldn’t be happier when Dr. Landon pokes his head back in with a few techs trailing him, in preparation for my departure.

“Alright, Jennifer,” he says as he heads over to the machines tracking my vitals, and begins to disconnect them, “We just have a few more things to do, and then you’ll be free to leave.”

I nod, trying to be as understanding as possible. But I’m extremely antsy, ready to get back up on my own two feet again. Peanut must feel the exact same way, likely craving my attention or some action, because we both mirror each other’s movements, squirming and wriggling against the places we reside.

Beside me, Josh chuckles, reaching forward and giving my free hand a gentle squeeze.

“Well you must be feeling better, Miss Nitroglycerin,” he teases, “Just hang in there, Jen. We’re almost done.”

I squeeze his hand back in return, blowing out a long breath through my nose. He and I have calmed down and wore each other out enough to where we’re no longer kissing every living second, instead falling into the old routine of our usual banter.

“I’ve never been one for bed rest. Unless that bed rest includes hours of watching trashy television or eating,” I sigh dramatically, causing Josh to laugh, “I’m just so fucking bored!”

“Heeyyy,” Josh whines, “I resent that.”

“Shut up, you know what I mean.”

Again, he chuckles, his thumb smoothing soft circles against my skin.

“I know. But you’ll be up eating pizza and slapping me in no time flat, don’t you worry.”

“Why the fuck would you mention pizza, especially when you still owe me one? I’m never going to be able to wait now; I’ll pull a movie cliché and like, rip the IV from my arm and run out of the room.”

“As much as you’re probably dying to do that, we’d prefer it if you didn’t,” Dr. Landon chuckles as he strolls up to my bedside, “If anything, it would probably make the discharge process even longer.”

I let out a groan, and Josh snickers, reassuringly grasping my hand for the umpteenth time.

“So let’s try and make this as quick and painless as possible. I just have to remove your IV, and then you’ll have a few documents to look over and sign. But after that, you’ll be clear.”

“Couldn’t come faster,” I sigh, “Especially since Peanut thinks it’s funny to use my bladder as a punching bag.”

“Like mother, like daughter,” Josh teases again.

“Seriously though, Josh. Did you actually consider what you’re getting yourself into here?”

“What, potentially dealing with two sassy, restless, beautiful ladies? I think I can handle it,” he replies with his usual smug, crooked grin.

“You say that now…Just wait until you have two people constantly begging you for pizza.”

“Well, how do you even know she likes pizza?”

I pivot my head slowly against the pillows so I can give him a disbelieving glare, my cocked eyebrows and slightly agape mouth sending trembles of mirth through Josh.

“Joshua Ryan, did you seriously just ask me that?”

“…Yeaaaah?” he draws out hesitantly with a sheepish grin, “I mean, how can you tell? Does she like, kick or something at the mere mention of it?”

“We’re talking about my daughter here, Josh. She’s going to like pizza, no matter what. It’s in her blood.”

“That’s true I guess; she’s going to have pizza sauce running through her veins by the time she’s born. So I guess she’ll be plenty accustomed to it.”

I’m just about to reach over and give him a slap right my free hand, when a stinging sensation in my left stops me short, my face contorting into a wince as a hiss leaves my mouth.

“Shit!”

“Sorry,” Dr. Landon apologizes, holding up the needle attached to the IV tubing, “Figured you were nice and distracted to take that out.”

He places a special type of band aid over the IV site, and I lift my hand to gaze at it, utterly relieved that I finally have access to both hands now. A tech comes to my bedside and fiddles with the controls, sitting me upright as opposed to my slightly reclined position. She then slides a small tray out over my lap, placing a few documents and a pen atop it.

“We’re going to go over the discharge steps with you, stating methods of home care, your mode of transportation, any and all procedures performed on you today, and consultations for a follow-up appointment. You’ll just sign those forms specifying you agree and were informed, and then you’ll be free to leave.”

The doctor and techs then begin to ramble on, and Josh and I both pay attention, he more so than I however, which isn’t anything unusual. I find myself getting distracted by my baby girl moving around, taking the time to focus in on her for the first time in a couple of hours.

Knowing that she is indeed a girl only makes my love for her all the more powerful, and I cannot help but smile softly to myself as my now-free left hand cups my slightly rotund abdomen, lost in my own world as I pretend to pay attention.

“…So with him as your transportation, that about covers everything! Give the papers a read and a sign, please.”

“Hmm?” I murmur, suddenly becoming aware of my surroundings and locking eyes with the tech who had just been speaking, “Oh; yeah, sure.”

Josh releases a puff of laughter out of his nose, and I bite my lip to fight against my impeding smile; he is perfectly aware he was the only one paying attention.

But I sign the papers anyway, just desperate to snag Josh and get out of this place. The tech takes them up with a smile once I’m finished, and Dr. Landon is the last to dismiss us.

“Well thank you for being a great patient, and I hope you don’t run into a situation like that again. I wish you and your child all the best.”

“Thank you,” I reply softly and sincerely.

And after a few more parting words, Josh and I are left to gather our things and leave at our leisure. I scooch myself slowly to the edge of the bed, and give all my sore, dormant muscles a stretch, a moan easing itself from my throat.

Josh walks around to stand in front of me, and when I try to get up, he quickly places his hands on my shoulders.

“Woah woah woah; easy, Jen. Let me help you up. You’ve been lying down for a while and I want to make sure you can properly stand.”

“I got up a few times to pee, Josh.”

“But not without assistance.”

My eyes travel upwards to lock into his, his concerned, gentle gaze drawing a smile across my face. He smiles sheepishly then, his face contorting into more of a nervous grin.

“What?”

“Nothing,” I laugh softly, “It’s just…now who’s the worried one?”

“Guilty as charged,” Josh chuckles back, “I guess it’s not a bad thing that we worry about each other; shows we care.”

“Yeah,” I agree with a growing smile, “Because I definitely care about you.”

I watch as redness seeps across Josh’s cheeks, his smile becoming increasingly warm.

“And I definitely care about you too,” he chuckles, “Now let me help you.”

I roll my eyes slightly, but don’t argue, hoisting my hands upwards to grasp Josh’s shoulders. His arms loop around my body, lacing in a loose, protective embrace and giving me room to move. He then backs up somewhat, and allows me to stand, using him as my anchor.

I wobble slightly on unstable legs, but after stretching and fighting for proper balance, I steady myself, my hands never leaving Josh. Unlike me, he’s incredibly patient, letting me test my footing as much as I need to.

When I finally think I’m stable enough, I glance upwards, our gazes connecting in a warm mixture of hazel and blue.

We smile at each other in a tender silence, simply allowing our strong, affectionate stares to do the talking. And for the first time since we solidified our relationship, I take advantage of the fact that we’re standing, hiking my hands behind his head and pulling him closer.

He understands immediately, and leans forward to ease his lips to mine.

Not being drugged up on medication or emotionally compromised means I can fully appreciate this kiss. And I certainly do, every bit of Josh absolutely intoxicating to me. His lips are soft, supple as they glide through mine without the slightest bit of resistance. His subdued scent, all his own, perfumes my senses and draws me in. His warm hands rub and caress my back, leaving small trails of embers in their wake.

I cannot stop admitting how perfect he is, how right this feels.

And though I would continue on forever if I could, a text tone sounds from somewhere in the room and brings me back down to Earth.

“Dammit,” I huff as our kiss breaks with a soft smack, glancing around the suite as I try and place the phone that just went off, “Sorry, Josh.”

“No, it’s fine. Here- I’ll get your phone.”

His arms begin to break away from me, but I snag him again before he leaves.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks,” I murmur, smiling and allowing the utmost sincerity to flood my tone when I say the phrase that’s new for us, “I love you.”

He grins widely at me, his cheeks going red again, before leaning forward for one last peck.

“I love you too,” he says after we part, and then slowly leaves me to search for my phone.

It doesn’t take long for him to find it, but I cannot help but notice the way he grimaces slightly when eyes the screen. My eyebrows furrow in response, and shuffle slightly towards him.

“What?” I question.

He meets my eyes, and hands me my phone, a long sigh deflating from his lungs.

“Your family has been trying to contact you for a while now.”

My eyes widen immensely, my heart dropping all the way down into my stomach.

My family. My poor, likely incredibly frightened and worried, family.

Focused only on myself, Josh, and my baby, and not being able to think clearly with the medicine rolling through my system, I had completely dismissed my parents and brothers. The thought of them wondering about my whereabouts and wellbeing never crossed my mind until now, and I feel increasingly guilty as I scroll through the barrage of texts and missed calls.

Most of them are from my mom, with a few from my dad and even some from my brothers. Once I didn’t come home at a decent hour, my family probably went on to full alert, trying in utter desperation to contact me.

“Fuck…” I breathe out as I continue to read, “Oh my God…They’re probably so scared…”

But as I carry on with my scrolling, I happen to notice something unusual. The frantic pace of the texts seem to lessen the closer I draw to the present, with only sporadic texts sent in the latest timeframe. And when I read the most recent text, I cannot help but look at Josh in confusion.

Because it’s still from my mother, but it reads:

Just checking up. How is she doing? And are you hanging in there? Hope to see you both home soon.

Definitely not as frightened or desperate as the previous, earlier texts. Josh seems to understand my puzzlement, because he gently explains himself.

“At a point in the night when you were still sleeping, your phone began going off like crazy. I couldn’t help but chance a look, and saw that your family was trying to contact you, incredibly worried about you and in the dark. And since you were knocked out, I decided to ease their fears a bit.”

He gives me a shy, small smile, looking down at the phone in my hands.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I may or may not have hijacked your phone for a bit. I talked to your mom and updated her on everything, told her you and the baby were alright. I also told her not to bother with the drive, because I’d be bringing you back home soon. Which is also why they didn’t infiltrate the entire city of Louisville trying to look for you.”

I let out a sniffle of laughter, tears swirling around the depths of my eyes.

“They would be the ones to do that,” I murmur, “So thank you, Josh. Thank you for keeping them in mind. They would have absolutely lost their shit had it not been for you.”

“Well, they’re still losing their shit, just not as much,” he chuckles.

“Yeah exactly. So thanks...”

My voice trails off, my lips pulling up into a smirk and a teasing glint flashing in my eyes.

“…hun.”

Josh rolls his eyes, but cannot hold back his laugh.

“Seriously, Jen? This again?”

“What? I was just calling you a cute little pet name. Is that not okay?” I ask with a perfectly innocent bat of my eyelashes.

“It’s definitely okay. But I caught the implication.”

“Implication? What implication? Quit being ridiculous, Joshy.”

He rolls his eyes again, but not without snorting out a light chuckle.

“Whatever. How about we stop teasing me for my slip up and get you changed so we can actually leave?”

I stop teasing him immediately after that; Josh knows just how to shut me up.

xXx

The car ride back to my home would normally house a relaxing atmosphere, Josh at the wheel of the rental car and me in the passenger’s seat, finally getting to relax. But thinking about how tense my family must have been all night, the terror I must have put them through, equates to uneasiness on my part as well. Josh tries his best to reassure me, to console me, but I cannot help but feel guilty about it.

And by the time we pull up in the familiar driveway, silent tears are dripping down my cheeks.

“Hey,” Josh murmurs , leaning across the seat to gently rub my thigh, “It wasn’t your fault. You were out cold and unable to get up to contact them back.”

I remain hushed, simply giving a slight nod of my head.

“It’s going to be okay, hun,” he says softly, the affectionate term completely welcomed, “It really is. You’re healthy, and she’s healthy. I’m sure that’s all your family will care about. They’ll forget everything once they have you back in their arms.”

He gives my thigh a squeeze and then a soft shake.

“So are ready?”

“Yeah…” I breathe out after a moment, “Let’s go.”

I make sure I have my purse and belongings, and step slowly out of the car, eyeing up the warmth of my home. Lights illuminate it all throughout, even at this terribly early hour, which tells me that my entire family is anxiously awaiting my return.

I blow out another long breath, and Josh steps around to my side, his arm lacing protectively around my waist. Together we walk up the driveway, around the sidewalk, and up the steps to the front door. It seems like I just barely have to touch my fingertips to the wooden surface, before it rapidly opens and a pair of arms wraps tightly around me.

The quick succession of events takes me by surprise momentarily, but once I register who’s embracing me, I cannot help but return the hug as firmly as I can manage.

My mother snuggles her head against mine, weeping quietly as she caresses me all over, rocking our bodies slowly back and forth. Her crying ends up being highly contagious, my own production of tears picking up as I nuzzle my face into her neck, shutting my eyes away from view.

“Jennifer,” she whimpers out, her lips traversing the side of my face and temple, “Oh, my sweet girl…I’m so happy to have you back home. I was incredibly worried about you. You don’t know how glad I am to see you’re safe.”

“I’m…I’m sorry, Mom,” I whisper, my voice cracking from my tears.

“No no, honey, don’t apologize. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You did everything you could, and so did Josh.”

I open my eyes again at the mention of his name, picking my head off my mother’s shoulder to search for him. Craning my neck, though slightly painful still, reveals him to be standing off to the side, giving my mom and I our space.

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Lawrence,” he murmurs, his tone oddly formal and choked up, “I tried so hard to keep her safe, but there were just too many of them, and I-“

“-Joshua, stop that talk. Not you too. You both did absolutely nothing wrong.”

She leans away from me, but only enough so she can look at the two of us, her arms still locked around my back.

“Like I said, I’m just thankful everyone came out unscathed. I was…” her voice cuts off with a shaky breath, “…worried, yes, but now I cannot be more relieved. Jenny Lou, I absolutely understand that you were unable to contact us. And Josh, I give you my utmost gratitude for protecting her, ensuring her wellbeing, and keeping us updated.”

Her eyes dart away from mine, and following her gaze reveals her to be staring at Josh. I watch as she motions him over with a hand, and I cannot help but smile slightly, despite my tears. He hesitates for just a moment, as if he’s contemplating whether or not he’s intruding. But it must register in him that he’s considered family as well, and he walks up to my side, and therefore into my mother’s arms.

She tugs us both close, the group hug growing warm and tender. I can feel all the tension, the fright, the unease, melting away from us all, our individual presences providing utmost comfort.

“You both must have had an incredibly rough night, so please don’t beat yourselves up over it,” my mom continues after a period of comfortable silence, “The medical staff took care of you, and Liz took care of the paps; there isn’t a single thing left to worry about. I just want you both to rest, and everyone to calm down. Josh, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need to with us, especially since you’re family. Well, you always have been, but you know what I mean.”

I catch the gentle teasing in her voice, and I pull away to gaze at both she and Josh, confusion washing the tears away.

“When…when did you…-“

“-Tell her?” Josh finishes with a small smile, “I felt it was a detail I couldn’t simply leave out. When I say I told her everything, Jen, I did mean…everything.”

I turn my gaze back to my mom, and she gives me a soft smile as well.

“I always knew it would happen between you two anyway, so really, it was no surprise when Josh informed me. I am happy that he finally knows about the baby though, Jen.”

“I know,” I murmur, and look back at Josh with a gentle gaze, “Believe me, I am too.”

Mutual smiles break out amongst us, before my mother breaks the silence yet again.

“Speaking of which,” she says, stepping away just so she can lay her hand atop my stomach, “How is the little one?”

“Little one? Did Joshy not spoil that much to you?”

“What?” she asks, genuinely and innocently confused.

“Okay, almost everything,” Josh butts in with a chuckle, “That much I actually left up to you.”

When I feel my mother’s perplexed expression tracking my face, I explain to her, “We finally found out the gender.”

Her soft stare widens, a smile creeping in and replacing the bewilderment.

“Get out; seriously?”

“Yes, Mom,” I laugh, “Seriously.”

“Well?” she asks, a bit too excited as she rubs her hands quickly together, “What’s the verdict?”

I look to my side, catching Josh’s eye, and we both smile at each other before replying to my mother perfectly in-sync.

“Girl.”

It seems like it takes a second to sink in, my mom staring blankly at Josh and I, blinking slowly. But when it finally registers with her, when she finally realizes that I broke the infamous “Lawrence baby boy” streak, her face breaks out into the biggest, happiest smile.

“You’re having a girl,” she laughs out, causing Josh and I to do the same, “Ohhh my goodness. That’s absolutely incredible. I’ll tell you one thing though; your brothers are not going to be happy that they were wrong.”

“What about brothers?”

I glance over my mom’s shoulder at the introduction of a deep masculine voice, only to find Blaine poking his head out the doorway. The second he and I make eye contact however, he rushes forward, and I’m passed off into his arms.

Every time my brothers actually decide to show compassion towards me, which is in fact a rare occurrence, it equals a strong stream of emotions on my part. And mixed in with the unrelenting, ever changing feelings my pregnancy brings on, I cannot help but cry some more as I wrap my arms tenderly around Blaine.

Strangely enough, he doesn’t tease me, nor does he make any kind of snide comment. He simply holds me, firmly, and not in his usual constricting embrace either; he must also be mindful of my growing baby. For once in his life, he’s actually being sincere, and it’s an extraordinary thing.

I nestle against his shoulder, tears dripping periodically down my cheeks, and he responds by leaning his head against mine. We remain like this for a while longer, before I become aware of yet another presence, the sound of heavy footsteps filling my ears.

My azure gave flits upwards just in time to catch sight of Ben coming on to the porch as well, and he joins the embrace without a word.

I snuggle against them both, sniffling and appreciating the tender moment between us all. And finally, after what seems like an eternity of hugging and silence, one of them speaks up.

“You okay?” Blaine asks, his voice gentle and soft.

“Yeah,” I reply, my tone barely above a whisper, “Yeah, I am now. Thanks.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that, Jen,” Ben adds.

I smile through my tears, hugging them both tighter. But of course, good things don’t last forever, the moment a little too good to be true.

“Beccaaaussee…” Ben continues, his tone shifting back to what I’m familiar with, “How the hell are you having a girl?”

Laughter immediately bursts free, my entire body shaking with mirth.

“Well that was good while it lasted,” I snort, leaning away from them slightly to dab the tears away, “But see, what did I tell you, Ben? What did I fucking tell you? I knew I was having a girl.”

“You’re bullshitting me,” he huffs.

“I’m not!” I laugh, suddenly recalling Josh’s presence and turning towards him, “Joshy, tell them I’m not!”

Josh chuckles, sticking his hands into his pockets and shrugging innocently.

“I’m sorry, man; I attest. Jen is definitely having a girl.”

“Is this some sort of group prank or something?”

“Ohhh, Ben,” I huff out, “Stop being such a fucking sore loser.”

“He’s just stating the impossible,” Blaine cuts in.

“It’s not impossible! I’m being completely honest with you both.”

“Has that ever been a thing before?” Blaine chides back.

“Okay, you know what? If you both are seriously so damn confident that you’re right, I dare you to be there for her birth. I fucking dare you to try and tell me she’s a boy then.”

That shuts them right up, both brothers going a little green in the face.

“Why the hell would I want to see you give birth? That’s just weird,” Blaine says with a wrinkled nose, “Like no offense, but I’m not exactly down for seeing all that shit. Rather see the baby clean, smiling, and not crying.”

“Amateurs,” Josh chuckles from the sideline, and I cannot help but giggle.

“See yeah, if you’re not ballsy enough to handle that, then you definitely have no right to tell me I’m lying about my baby’s fucking gender. I’m the one who has to go through all that shit, so trust me when I’m right.”

Both of my brothers remain silent, pouting and not finding an argumentative point to fight back with. So it’s no wonder when Josh, my mother and I all burst into laughter, highly amused by the whole situation. This in turn causes my brothers’ pouting to deepen, but just when Ben looks like he’s going to speak up again, my mom cuts him off.

“Alright, that’s enough of that fighting and that…extraordinarily colorful vocabulary from all of you,” she says softly, eyeing my brothers and I with a cocked brow and causing us all to grin guiltily, “You’ll all have plenty of time for that these next few days, so don’t we all get inside and get some much needed rest, huh?”

We all nod, my brothers beginning to trail back in the house, and Josh slipping back to my side, his hand finding its usual resting spot on my waist.

As we follow behind Ben and Blaine however, my mind processes my mother’s words, finding a bit of peculiarity laced within. Something doesn’t seem all too right, so I decide to inquire, going along with my brain’s unease.

“Momma?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“What…day is it today?”

“Today would be November 1st, love! Why do you ask?”

My brain furiously churns to put the puzzle pieces together, trying to figure out why that date is so significant. It tries to bring my medicine laden body back to the present, attempting to remember everything that was happening before and around the paparazzi incident.

When suddenly, aggressively, it all clicks.

I recall why Josh and I came here in the first place, why we were trying to enjoy ourselves.

Mockingjay promotion. We were supposed to travel halfway across the world for Mockingjay promotion.

My hand flies up to my mouth, cupping it as I bite back shaky, pathetic whimpers. Josh stops walking, immediately noticing my fear and placing his hands on both my shoulders. He opens his mouth to ask what’s wrong, but he’s beat to it.

“Jenny? What’s the matter?” my mom asks, halting in place as well.

“M-Mockingjay promo,” I gasp out, and turn to look at Josh with wide, glassy eyes, “Weren’t we supposed to be traveling all the way to Asia today?”

“Well, we were,” Josh says gently, “But it got canceled last minute.”

An overwhelming sense of dread rushes in, my bottom lip quivering as more tears build up.

“It’s…It’s because of me, isn’t it…”

“No.” When I croak with devastated sobs, Josh tenderly cups my jaw with both hands, his thumbs stroking my skin. “Sweetheart, no. The cast is aware of what happened to us, and didn’t want you to travel while injured. But that’s not the main reason; apparently Lionsgate thought the scheduling was a bit too crazy as well. So hey, it works out just fine.”

I nod hesitantly, and walk into Josh’s embrace the second he holds his arms out, cuddling up close. He strokes my back softly, soothingly, and presses soft kisses to the side of my face.

“It’s alright, Jen. I mean hey, at least we have more time to relax before it starts!”

“That’s true I guess. As long as it wasn’t canceled because of the incident…”

“It wasn’t canceled because of the incident,” Josh affirms, “Though Francis was also insistent about you getting more rest. Can’t argue with that though.”

“No, I guess I can’t,” I snicker softly, and sniffle in an attempt to stop the tears.

“Well, come on then,” my mother beckons, “Let’s get that resting and hanging out started, shall we?”

xXx

And resting we certainly do.

Josh and I spend the next few days cooped up in the house, spending time together and savoring each other’s company, making up for all the moments when we were separated. We go down into the basement to watch movies, nearly eat the house completely out of its food supply, and bicker with my brothers whenever we get the opportunity. We laugh so hard we cry, we kiss and caress, and sometimes simply enjoy each other in silence, tangled up against one another.

The days pass all too quickly, and before we know it, we find ourselves having to pack and prepare, the now undeniable Mockingjay promotion barreling down upon us.

I actually travel with Josh back to Union so he can gather his things, before we make our way back to Louisville.

From there, it’s a short flight to Atlanta, where we meet up with the cast and prepare to embark across the ocean to Germany.

They all offer their condolences for what happened, but knowing me all too well, no one really hounds Josh and I about the situation. They simply ask a few questions, before dropping the subject, leaving room to the usual banter and teasing that our cast tends to kick up.

And it feels wonderful, being reunited with my second family of sorts again. I’m able to talk to Francis, Nina, Sam, Liam, and whoever else I chose. Because unlike the last time we were all together, I’m completely out of the shadows and into the light. I’ve strengthened myself. I’ve recovered. I’ve accepted my pregnancy and fallen in love with my baby.

And on top of all that, I have the man of my absolute affections by my side. It seems like nothing can bring me down, and for the first time in a while, I actually believe it.

I can enjoy myself, carry on, and be happy for once, without a single care in the world. Literally everything is perfect; it almost feels like a dream.

Our joking and catching up with each other however, is cut a bit short, as we all have to board the plane. But once we all get settled, it starts right back up again, especially since Josh and I chose to sit together for the ten hour plane ride.

For the first portion of the flight, we all can barely sit still. Josh and I are unable to stop shrieking with laughter over the most stupid, mundane things, and Sam and Liam bicker over God knows what. Even Nina and Francis talk amongst themselves, chuckling at all the madness going on around them.

Eventually however, since we do happen to be flying the red-eye, Francis gives the master command for all of us to settle down, knowing that we have interviews and many other events ahead on a rather tight schedule.

And, as usual, everyone calms down and settles in for the night, sans Josh and I. We continue to giggle, kiss, and talk, not really caring about the likely detrimental effect it will have on our bodies if we don’t rest. Also, being in one of the first rows, we don’t consider any prying eyes from our cast, and continue to express open affection towards one another.

The more and more we talk however, and the later and later we stay up, the closer exhaustion wraps its tight hold around the two of us. So as we begin to drain of energy, we settle down, our conversations taking a more serious, gentle manner.

I find myself snuggled up against Josh, a blanket draped across us both, my head leaned atop his shoulder and his arm holding me close as we continue to converse.

“So Jen,” he murmurs softly after a small pause.

“So Josh.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you this ever since I found out,” he chuckles, “What’s um…Peanut…like? And is that a permanent name going on or?”

I laugh softly, bringing a hand down to gently cup my stomach.

“Yes, Josh. That’s definitely going to be her name and I have not considered anything else at all.”

“Thought so,” he grins, “Well it certainly is…unique?”

I give Josh a whap on the shoulder, and we both break out into a bout of quiet mirth, mindful of the others around us. But for once, I’m quick to calm down, my heart swelling with warmth, tenderness, and love.

The fact that Josh is completely comfortable with talking about my baby, a baby that may not technically belong to him, is absolutely astounding, all the while relieving to me. It shows he is in total support of the situation, that he has not let up on his word in the slightest. And most of all, it shows that he truly loves me, willing to learn about my life and conform his own to fit it.

It’s endearing, thoughtful, and just so…Josh…that it makes me love him all the more.

“But…Yeah, no; she’s amazing, Joshy,” I reply after a while, and softly begin to rub my abdomen in slow circles, “It’s like she already has a personality. I talk to her a lot, obviously, but it’s so strange, because sometimes it feels like she’s talking right back. I’ll say something, and then I’ll feel her move afterwards. I’ll eat something, and it seems like she reacts.”

“Like pizza?”

“Yes!” I exclaim, and we both giggle, “Like pizza! See, I’m telling you, no child of mine is going to dislike pizza. And Peanut is no exception, because she squirms and wriggles sooo much in there.”

Josh chuckles, and softly presses a kiss to my cheek.

“Is it weird?” he asks, “Actually feeling her move?”

“It was strange at first, yeah. Because it kind of hits you all of a sudden like wow, I actually have a person inside of me moving.”

Again, we share a brief laugh, before I continue on.

“But no, I got used to it pretty quick, her sweet little flutters and kicks…As much as they have a rather poor effect on my bladder-“ Josh interrupts by chuckling, and I cannot help but do so as well “-I still love feeling her all the same. It reminds me that she’s very much real, that she’s mine. It’s made me love her so much, Josh.”

I pivot my head slightly to find him gazing down at me, his gaze incredibly tender and affectionate. And with my face turned towards his, he wastes no time in giving me a small kiss on the lips.

There’s a silence that follows, a relatively comfortable one. I cannot help but notice something however, something that causes my heart to clench up within my chest.

As I continue to gaze at Josh, it almost seems like his smile is fading, and his eyes are losing their sheen. My eyes turn curious and slightly concerned as we continue to hold stares, and I cannot help but speculate if he’s feeling…upset, despite his previous enthusiasm towards my pregnancy.

I almost wonder if he’s thinking about how life would be if we knew he was the father, or if he had been around for all milestones of my pregnancy, like it was intended to be.

But I don’t want to inquire if that’s not the case. I don’t want to blindly assume, or let my anxieties do the talking for me.

So instead of questioning and digging into his supposed sadness, I decide to try and bring the light back to his eyes.

“Joshy?”

“Yes, hun?”

“Do…do you want to feel her?”

To my pure relief, the gleam surges back into his eyes, the slight melancholy on his face replaced with an almost childlike awe.

“F-feel her?” he repeats out, and I smile warmly.

“Yes, honey,” I affirm for the third time, though this instance I take his hand, and bring it towards my stomach, “Feel her.”

I splay his hand flat against the rotund surface, keeping my own pressed atop his, and he looks at me with wide, shinning, hazel eyes.

“Has…has she been moving?”

“Pfff; she almost never lets up,” I chuckle, and he grins widely in return, “Just give her a second, or talk to her. That’s what I always do anyway.”

“It’s worth a shot. As long as you won’t make fun of me for it.”

“Please,” I laugh, “I can’t be the one to judge.”

He nods with a crooked grin, and then turns his attention completely to my stomach, to my baby, softly rubbing his hand back and forth.

“Hey in there,” he murmurs, and I feel the breath catch in my throat at his tenderness, “So, I know this is kind of weird, right? You’re used to hearing your mom, and now either your mom’s voice dropped a good few octaves, or this is someone new.”

I chuckle softly at how utterly adorable this all is, but simply bite my lip with a smile as I continue to watch.

“Well,” Josh continues, “I’m here to tell you that this is someone new. I’ve been hanging out with your mom for a while, and I’m sure she’s talked about me before.”

“Someone’s cocky,” I tease, and Josh briefly grins up at me before carrying on.

“I’m Josh. And let me say that, after all the wonderful things your mom has told me about you, I cannot wait to meet you.”

It’s no surprise that tears have pooled up in my eyes, the paternal gentleness Josh is letting off a bit too much for my hormonal self to handle. I try my hardest to keep my composure at bay, biting my trembling lip as we await any movement from my baby girl.

And thankfully, as usual, she doesn’t keep us waiting long.

She bumps against the wall of my womb, almost exactly where Josh and I’s hands are lying, the two of us letting out gasps in quick succession.

“Did you feel that?” I ask excitedly.

“Yeah…” Josh breathes out, the smile on his face growing impossibly wide, “Holy shit…I mean, that’s…indescribable.”

I giggle at his reaction, gently squeezing his hand with mine.

“Isn’t that so weird?”

“It is, but…It’s amazing, Jen. I don’t even know what to say…”

“She knows you, Josh. She’s talking to you too.”

He lets out a gasping laugh, and though I may be imagining it, it looks like his eyes have gone glassy as well. So I cannot stop myself from lacing my hand around his neck, and bringing his face downwards to lock our lips in a kiss.

I’m just overwhelmed tonight by Josh’s compassion, understanding, gentleness, and how wonderful of a father he would obviously make. Though admittedly, it does hurt the deepest part of my heart, knowing all too well that he may be forced to watch another man claim my child, I know now how much he’ll love her anyway, how much he’ll be there for the both of us.

So when Josh and I finally settle in for the night, cuddled up close with our hands laced across my stomach, I cannot lie when I say I fall into the most restful, content sleep I ever thought possible, dreams of a bright future and a life with Josh and my baby lulling me into peace.

#Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #Jennifer Lawrence fanfiction #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #*Passes the frick out from writing so much in a single sitting lol*#That's a poor life choice #Don't ever do that

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

Text

These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Twelve

A/N: Goodness gracious me. These writing blocks really need to leave me alone. I apologize for such the wait on this chapter! All the dialogue and such must have scared my brain away for a while, giving me Jotato syndrome to the max. But somehow, finally, I overcame it.

Thank goodness, right? I hate making you all wait longer than a week! But low and behold, we’re finally getting to move the story along again. I hope you all enjoy!

As usual, big thank you to anyone and everyone who sends me encouragement and comments. Your words mean the absolute world to me, and give me the confidence to continue on with this story. I appreciate each and every message, so truly, thank you.

And big thanks to my dear partner in crime catching-dandelions, who slapped me in the face and told me to overcome my block lol.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooo…

I can barely fathom the events that took place, still trying to catch up with everything and convince myself that I’m not actually dreaming, that this is actually real.

Something that has wracked my sub-conscious for months, years even, solidified. Something that has worried me and kept me up at night, blossomed into something I never could have imagined. Something I never thought I would have the privilege of experiencing, or could have pictured in even my wildest reveries, hardened into the most gorgeous stone of affection.

Emotions so deep, and what I considered forbidden for the longest time, rose up and set themselves free. Feelings I had been so deprived of manifested in a single, powerful moment. Fears that had been plaguing my life and suffocating me, were doused with one blow.

Because somehow, despite all the odds, despite everything terrible that has taken place…

Josh is mine. And I am his.

I can still barely process the thought, process what happened.

The moment we became one, a single unit, we were unable to stop kissing, laughing, crying. Our hands were unable to stop from wandering. Our lips could not find a way to part. Our smiles refused to leave our faces, despite the tears wetting their gleaming surfaces at a constant rate.

Barely any words were exchanged as we reveled in one another. We bathed each other in a love so deep, so genuine, that it was overwhelming to process. We both didn’t know what to do, besides turn into weeping messes, exchanging sloppy, sweet kisses in between.

Thankfully however, before we both melted into puddles of pure sentiment, the doctor stuck to his promise, and interrupted our moment to update me and feed medicine through my IV.

Whatever he gave me knocked me out, and it rendered me useless to protest against Josh offering me the entire bed, grumbling internally as he pulled a chair up beside me instead.

And when my eyes shut for a well deserved rest, I found myself the happiest and most content I had been in weeks; maybe ever since this whole endeavor began.

His crooked smile still remained behind my shut lids, glowing and shooting warmth through my soul. I could still hear his gentle declarations of love even in my sleeping state. I could still feel the tenderness and softness I knew only he could offer me.

Though it was a restful sleep, I didn’t stay out for long. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night, the beeping of an alarm rousing me. A nurse was quick to silence it, but I didn’t venture back into the world of dreams after that.

No, I stayed awake to observe the real thing. And that’s what I still find myself doing now.

Josh.

I cannot help but smile as I look him over, drawing my bottom lip into my mouth as color creeps across my cheeks.

I’m pretty sure he hasn’t left my side once, and I cannot help but admire his selflessness as I get a load of his sleeping position. He’s still sitting in the chair, but his body is entirely flopped over, the upper half of his body draped against my bed. His head is resting near my chest, his arms drawn up against his face.

And even despite the rather uncomfortable looking pose, he’s fast asleep.

His mouth is parted slightly, soft breaths escaping his swollen lips. His marbled, hazel eyes are shut away from view, his lids resting gently over them. His dark hair falls into tufts against his forehead, in slight disarray from my fingers running through it.

He’s adorable. He’s handsome. He’s everything and more. And he’s mine now. All mine.

I blow out a shaky sigh.

It’s still so hard to believe. A man who was once held away from me by the media, public relations, and our careers, fought like hell to get me. A man who was once held back by the scars I inflicted, allowed them to fade as if they were simple scratches.

Shackles once held us back, each chain representing a different type of tribulation. Past relationships, tabloids, paparazzi, publicists, family, the industry…

But in our typical manner, we decided to just say, fuck it.

We cut the restraints away, finalizing our love and freeing ourselves entirely after all this time.

Or at least, so we thought.

I cannot help but feel the rusty tug of two or so stragglers even after so many were smashed. The cuffs of my anxiety prove to be a bit harder to get rid of I suppose.

As I look him over, my brain cannot help but spit out pessimistic thoughts here and there, mixing in with the pure.

Did we actually come to a mutual agreement? Does he feel the same way? What if I rushed him into it?

I grit my teeth, tugging furiously at the figurative metallic bands.

I can’t let my anxiety ruin this, this moment I’ve been hoping for. I can’t let fears overtake me, when they nearly prevented me from getting help and support. I can’t let darkness encase me once more.

I need to know. Josh and I barely spoke this entire night, this first night of our relationship. Words were barely exchanged. And without his utter confirmation, I fear I’ll never be able to rid myself entirely of what’s holding me back.

So I run my hand gently across the top of his head before I can stop myself. It’s enough to rouse him, but slowly.

He shuts his eyes tighter at first, a soft groan croaking from his throat, before he brings a hand up to rub his face. The sounds of my monitors must register with him however, because his hazel eyes flit into view without much more delay, immediately traveling up to meet blue.

The second our gazes connect, he smiles at me like I’m his world, and the monitors’ chirps speed up with my beating heart. Josh chuckles softly, and I bite my lip harder, blushing like a lovesick schoolgirl.

I pat the bed, scooching my body to the left to silently invite Josh up with me. He hesitates for a moment, but then his smile grows wider, and he hoists himself upwards on to the small mattress.

It lets out a creaky moan of protest beneath us as our bodies nestle close, Josh’s arms snaking around me without much thought. I cannot help but snuggle as close as my slightly rotund stomach will allow, nuzzling my face against his chest and drinking in every bit of his being. Once we get settled in each other’s embrace, he finally speaks up.

“Hey,” he murmurs, and I can still hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey,” I return back, smiling softly as well.

“Good…What time is it…Morning?”

“I think so, yeah. Sorry to wake you.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I wasn’t really asleep anyway.”

There’s a pause, and naturally, we both giggle like two kids experiencing young love.

“That’s bullshit,” I snort after a little, “You were completely out. Snoring slightly and everything.”

“You don’t know that for sure. I’m an actor, Jen. I could have been faking it.”

I cannot help but laugh against him, relishing in our usual banter, and he joins in for a moment, before we settle down once more.

“Regardless of whether I was asleep or not, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve been awake. What’s got you up?”

My mouth goes dry. Josh is the perfect instigator, unbeknownst to him, of deep conversations. And for the first time in a while, I don’t lie to him, instead opening up and sharing my concerns.

“I…Something’s bothering me, actually.”

“Oh? Your head aching? Your body suffering pizza withdrawals?”

A huff of laughter escapes through my nose, and I whap him on the shoulder with my free hand.

“No, you idiot…”

We chuckle, and then fall into a hushed lull, staying quiet as I mentally prepare myself.

“…Josh?” I finally ask.

“Hmm?”

My face squeezes up in a wince, shutting my eyes as I quickly force out my question.

“You don’t feel like I…rushed you into this do you?”

I half expect him to remain silent, or lean back to look at me like I’ve grown multiple heads. But to my surprise, and to my relief, he answers.

“No,” he replies softly, his hand beginning to rub my back, “Why- Are you having second thoughts?”

“Nooooo,” I draw out, “Definitely not. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

“So what’s the problem?”

I inhale deeply, hurdling myself over a few more mental barriers.

“I just…Want to make sure this is what you want, for sure. And that I didn’t make you feel pressured, or obligated, simply because I got myself into a lot of shit.”

“Jennifer,” he murmurs quietly, but with sincerity strung about, “I’ve been in love with you for three years. I flat out admit that. Since the day we’ve met, I’ve been in love with you. Not to mention we just spent the last few hours kissing and hugging. What makes you think I’m not okay with this?”

I feel myself blush immensely, and I push my face firmly against his chest, hiding my meekness away.

“I…I don’t know,” I admit lamely, “Pregnancy hormones making me think irrationally or something. Coupled up with my anxiety, so not a good mix. I...To be honest, I also didn’t want to hurt you-“

“-I have to stop you there. Jen, you’ve got to stop worrying yourself so much over me. I’m your rock for a reason, okay? I’m pretty solid. Hard to knock over,” he chuckles, “So like I said, I’m perfectly okay. And like you said, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

“Well, since you stole the words from my mouth, I guess I have a pretty good idea…It’s just so weird to think about, Joshy.”

“I know it is. But it’s basically a mutual agreement to kiss each other and actually share our feelings,” he chuckles again, which brings a slight smile to my face, “It’s not like we’ve changed. We’re the same two, crazy people, but now we’re the same two, crazy people together, long overdue. We’ve basically been teetering on the border line for what, months? Years?”

“Yeah…”

“So it definitely needed to happen,” he continues, “It surprised me, I will admit. That was actually the last thing I thought you were going to tell me.”

I let out a slight groan of embarrassment, and a soft bubble of laughter releases from his throat, his arms hugging me closer.

“But it was the best thing I’ve heard in my life.”

“Stop,” I huff, shoving him playfully with my IV-free hand, “That’s not true…”

“It is!” he laughs. “Better than any callback, better than any job offering, better than anything I’ve heard before.”

His words hit me hard, alighting my inner sanctum with all kinds of emotion. And, as usual, the only way they come tumbling out is through tears.

“You’re so cheesy,” I sniffle, nuzzling his chest with my head.

“Aren’t I always?” he replies, the grin plainly evident in his voice, “But seriously, Jen. I love you so much, and you love me as well. We needed to finally go over the edge, and we did. We’ve been stuck in like, an ‘I’m only your friend but obviously I’m not,’ kind of limbo for the longest time. It needed to happen, so I’m so glad we solidified it, so glad nothing else is holding us back. I really am. I can say what’s been on my mind for months, years, without any kind of shit to worry about.”

His words make me beam and weep, relief surging through my veins in a powerful tidal wave. That was just the kind of answer I needed, a chain falling away from my body and crumpling to the ground, defeated and useless.

But one more remains, one more stubborn fear that refuses to give up its fight.

“I love you, hun,” Josh murmurs, his fingers slipping under my chin to lift it upwards, “Really I do. And it feels great to say that. I’ll never be able to admit it enough.”

“I love you too,” I whisper out, and he continues to tilt my chin up until our lips are joined in the umpteenth kiss tonight.

Our lips glide and slide together, but I find myself unable to offer up the same enthusiasm I had with our previous kisses, my mind focused too much on my lingering apprehension. Josh must notice, because he stills against me, releasing our mouths with a gentle smack and leaning back to meet my gaze.

“What?”

“Thing is, you do have shit to worry about.”

When his brows furrow slightly in confusion, I gesture down to my stomach.

“Her,” I continue, “And Nick.”

“That’s all fine and dandy, except I’m not worried,” Josh says with a soft, knowing smile, “Like I said, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help you. To keep you safe. To keep you happy. Something you’ve been robbed of for too long. And since she is a part of you, she’s definitely included.”

Not surprisingly, a fresh river flows down my cheeks, Josh’s paternal, gentle attitude beginning to repair even the deepest wounds of worry.

“Josh,” I say, heaving a breath, “I’m just worried about the whole father situation. I’m worried about how it’ll affect her, how it’ll affect you.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“But-“

“-Jennifer.”

His firm tone causes the words to die in the back of my throat, along with his warm hands cupping my face. He leans forward to press a tender kiss to my lips, silencing my dispute entirely.

“Relax.”

And for once in my life, I do, deciding not to argue any further as I blow out a long breath, my entire body deflating beneath his touch. His smile grows as he watches me visibly settle down, and his hands remain anchored softly to my jaw, his thumbs rubbing soft, soothing circles.

“Just relax. No more worrying, baby, alright?”

He seems to trail off, the sudden affectionate slip from his lips equaling a sheepish grin on his part. And I cannot help but giggle softly.

“Well alright. Thanks, hun,” I tease.

“No more worrying, baby,” he mocks, his voice leaping up a few octaves to mimic mine from an interview long ago, “That was bizarre; who am I.”

“Shut up,” I laugh, “You let the term of endearment slip, not me, for once.”

“It’s bound to happen. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to bite them back around you? Now that they have the opportunity, they’re just going to leak out at the most inopportune times.”

“Not that I mind,” I chuckle, leaning forward to press a kiss to his cheek, “It’s something I could get used to. I’ll probably be the same way.”

“Well good, because you’re kind of stuck with me now.”

“Well fuck,” I sigh dramatically, and he chuckles before returning my kiss, but to my lips instead.

“I will admit though…”

“What’s that?” he murmurs, leaning away from me once more.

“It’s weird, you know? Finally calling you…”

“Mine?” Josh finishes with his usual broad, crooked grin, his cheeks flushing, “Very weird.”

His fingers begin tracing small paths across my jaw and cheeks, softly stroking in a mindless manner.

“But I don’t know, I kind of like weird,” he continues, and I catch the unmistakable glint in his eye.

“Only kind of?”

“Okay, I love it,” he laughs and eases our lips back together for the countless time.

Unlike the short, experimenting sort of kisses we had been peppering each other with, this one lingers. Our mouths contort into the perfect fit, gliding flawlessly through one another’s and never missing a beat. When I gape against Josh, inviting him further, he complies, slowly slipping his tongue forward to meet mine. They dance and acquaint for a moment, breathy sighs puffing through our noses, as the kiss deepens and grows in its passion.

And the effect Josh is having on me, the intoxicating lull of his touch and presence, must me doing a number on my heart, because the monitor behind me begins to chirp its concerns.

The kiss breaks, and we beam at one another, laughing over the sound of the wailing machine, and nestling our bodies as close as we can.

With that, the final chain breaks free, gracing a flightless bird with a long lost ability. I’m finally free to soar, traveling wherever I please and filling my heart with whatever I choose, nothing holding me back anymore. And it’s a beautiful thing.

The awkwardness, the fear, and the unease have all essentially melted away. Josh and I are quickly falling into the comfort of a relationship, like we’ve been in one for months already. When in reality, it’s only been mere hours.

But we’re comfortable. We’re happy. We’re perfectly content and in love with one another.

So I knew this was supposed to happen, was meant to happen, all along.

The man I’ve had feelings for, the man I’ve been confused over and heartbroken over, is mine. And rightfully so. Our closeness shows; whatever troubles will come barreling at us, whatever lies ahead, we’ll face together.

I was able to overcome my worries and open up, successfully biting back lies.

And I couldn’t be happier. Literally everything is right with the world, here and now. I’ve flown to cloud nine, and I never want to come down.

My peaceful reveries and our giggles however, are interrupted by Dr. Landon poking his head back in, the beeping alarm likely triggering his presence. He gives us both a knowing smile, before walking into the room.

“Excuse me you two!” he apologizes, “Just thought you’d be able to converse better if I silenced this monitor here. And perfect timing too, because Jennifer I think you’re due for one last dosage of medicine.”

“Alright,” I say with a nod, and Josh gives me one last peck before easing himself off the hospital bed, allowing the doctor space to work.

I stare longingly at him, already missing the new, wonderful feeling of his loving touch, and he smiles in understanding. He holds his hand out, and I waste no time in filling it, offering him my IV-free hand to squeeze.

“So how are you feeling, Jennifer? Any better this morning?”

“Yeah, much better. Head’s not killing me anymore.”

“Great to hear. And according to the records here, you haven’t experienced any more contractions since you first came in.”

My breath catches in my throat.

Right.

I guess I find it hard to focus on multiple things at once, my brain only receiving information from one source at a time. I was so locked in on Josh, so honed in on everything about him, that I practically dismissed the squirming child within me.

But now that my mind has been sent back in her direction, her soft flutters and wriggles become evident once more, bringing a smile to my face.

“Well thank God. She’s okay then?”

“Yes, but I think to be completely sure, we’ll get you an ultrasound.”

I’m about to nod casually and accept his request, when a realization smacks me directly in the face, sending a jolt of excitement coursing through my body.

“Oh my God, Joshy-“

I pry my hand from his, instead grasping his arm and giving it a shake.

“Do you want to learn her gender with me?”

Josh looks stunned for a moment, before oddly enough, his face contorts into a confused expression. He eyes me strangely for a moment, his lips soon tipping upwards into a smile as he bites back laughter.

“Do you understand how weird that question was? Jen, that was the equivalent of asking, ‘Hey, Josh! Do you want to learn your name?’ “

I burst out laughing, not even taking my own words into consideration until he brought them up.

“Shut up,” I breathe out with a staccato of mirth, “I’ve actually just been calling her a she this entire time. I don’t actually…know for sure.”

Josh doesn’t smile. He doesn’t even reply. Instead, his face hardens immensely, glaring at me with a completely serious expression that sends a bout of nerves down my spine.

“Jen,” he says gravely, and my face falls, “You have to understand the very real possibility that your she may be a he.”

He can hardly keep his cold tone and grim expression stable through the last few words before he falls victim to laughter as well, and I cannot help but join in again.

“No, not you too!” I whine, “God damn it; no one has faith in me.”

“I’m just messing with you, babe,” he chuckles, and we both grin at his affectionate term again.

“I know, I know. But you have to trust me on this one, Josh. Mother knows best.”

“Isn’t there a running trend of baby boys in your family though?”

“Yeah, but fuck the trend; peanut and I dare to be different.”

Josh laughs again, before smiling warmly, taking my hand again as a sonogram technician enters the suite.

“Hello, Jennifer!” she greets, tugging a portable sonogram cart behind her, “Ready to say hi to your baby?”

“When am I not,” I breathe out, drawing chuckles from both she and Josh.

“Well perfect. We’ll just give the sonogram a second to boot up, and then we’ll see what your little one is doing in there!”

“Speaking of which, I have a question.”

“Yes?” she chirps, keeping her eyes on the sonogram’s screen as it comes to life.

“Is it…late enough in my pregnancy to learn the gender?”

“How far along are you?”

“Ummm,” I hum out in thought, “Five months, almost six months?”

“Her records say she’s at twenty five weeks, to be exact,” chimes Dr. Landon, who had been changing my IV drip.

“Oh, ok! Then yes. You’ll be able to tell whether you have a little girl or boy,” says the tech with a smile, one I can’t help but mirror.

I cast a glance over at Josh, beaming widely and starting to tremble with anticipation. Though he’s been out of the loop this entire time, this being the first of my pregnancy experiences for him to witness, he still smiles warmly at me, and gives my hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

With the screen and sonogram running, the technician strolls up to my bed to gently unfasten the front of my hospital gown, effectively exposing my rotund stomach to the cool air. Though I’m not looking at him, instead focused on my abdomen, I can feel Josh’s intent and curious stare, equaling a blush to my cheeks.

I chance another look at him, and find him staring at my belly. There isn’t a single hint of judgment on his face however; more like awe and pure interest. He must sense my stare too, because his eyes quickly flit up to mine. He smiles softly again then, remaining silent and simply observing as the tech begins to do her work.

She rubs the familiar cool gel on my stomach again, causing me to squirm from the sudden change in temperature, and places the probe directly on top of the ample orb of skin.

An array of grey, white, and black splotches fire up on the screen, taking my attention. Josh’s too, his gaze now firmly locked on the display as he tries to make sense of what he’s seeing.

The tech moves the probe around for a bit, trying to get the right image to appear. And when it does, the smile on my face very well may split it in half, tears gathering in my eyes again.

“Well, your little one looks perfectly healthy! Maybe not as little as the last time you saw though.”

“No, she’s definitely grown,” I reply with a proud grin, taking in the outline of my child once more.

I fight back the urge to caress my stomach, allowing the tech to do her job, and instead take everything about my baby in.

She actually looks like a legitimate baby now, sporting limbs and a rounded head. It’s also easy to see that she’s grown, the black space surrounding her a bit smaller than the last time, her ever-changing body beginning to take up room. And the moment I lock eyes on the tiny outline of her fluttering heart, the wonderful, fast paced thuds fill the suite.

Though I’ve heard them before, I cannot help but weep at the beauty and wonder of it all. I can feel Josh grasp my hand a little tighter, and when I look at him in question, I find him to be staring at the screen, his mouth completely agape.

“Holy shit…” he breathes, “Is that…?”

“Yeah,” I laugh despite my tears, “That’s her heart beat.”

Josh glances at me before glancing back at the screen, his face taking on an awed smile.

“Wow…That’s…That’s so cool!” he chuckles, his grin growing, “You’ve actually got a baby in there.”

“That’s kind of how pregnancy works, Josh.”

“Shut up. I…This is just the first time I’ve seen this kind of thing. It’s pretty amazing.”

It’s my turn to squeeze his hand, and we both meet each other’s stares for a quick smile, before the tech takes our attention once more.

“Alright, Jennifer. Thankfully, your baby’s not meek, because I have the perfect view to inform you!” she says, drawing laughs out from Josh and I.

“Why does that not surprise me,” Josh snorts, and I shoot him a harmless glare before turning my full attention back on my child.

“Well? Would you like to know?”

“Yes,” I blurt out, “Yes please.”

My hand unintentionally grasps Josh’s hand a bit tighter, and he smoothes soothing circles against my knuckles with his thumb, the both of us hushed as we wait for the news.

“Well, Jennifer, I’d like to congratulate you, because…”

It feels like the slight pause she takes lasts an eternity, my body completely tensed up as I await the words that could potentially change everything. I’m barely breathing, barely moving, the only movement being my quivering lip. Even the tears have halted for the time being, my world nearly coming to a halt for three simple words.

“It’s a girl.”

And my cold, unmoving world suddenly illuminates with the brightest light, warmth shooting through my veins and overtaking my entire body. Tears plunge down my cheeks in a sudden cascade, and my once tense form relaxes back against the bed. Though I fight for the tubes to give me slack, the hand that’s not locked in Josh’s clamps over my mouth, hushing the numerous laughs and sobs escaping it.

Because I knew all along. And it makes me feel all the more close to my child, like we already share the most precious and special of connections.

“I…fucking told you so,” I force out between gasps, causing everyone in the room to laugh.

“Yup, you’ve definitely got a sweet little girl in there! Congrats once again. She’s perfectly healthy, and I wish you the best of luck with her.”

“Thank you.”

The tech is quick to clean up and fasten my gown back together, before she departs as quickly as she came in. And with the excitement still hanging heavy in the air, Josh speaks up.

“You know what this means though, don’t you?”

“What, Joshy?”

“You get to rub it in everyone’s face that you were right,” he laughs.

“Damn straight! God; literally no one believed me when I said she was a girl.”

He laughs again, and I scoot my body closer to his in order to give a whap to his shoulder.

“Including you too, Spongy! So don’t try and play that innocent shit.”

“Hey!” he chuckles, “I didn’t disagree with you; I just warned you to be prepared.”

“Which obviously wasn’t necessary.”

“Whatever,” he snorts, giving his eyes a roll, “How was I to know, anyway? I literally just found out she existed a few hours ago. I don’t think that’s long enough for me to interpret her gender!”

While I laugh initially, my face falls as I process his words, the smile fading slowly away

“Josh, I’m sorry you had to miss out on so much. I’m-“

“-No no,” he dismisses with a wave of his free hand, before reaching forward to brush a few stray hairs away from my face, “We don’t need to talk about that again. Just focus on the fact that you’re expecting a girl, and that you can crush your brothers for ever doubting you.”

As usual, Josh doesn’t fail at making me feel better, the smile making a u-turn and easing its way back.

“And I’ll be around to witness the more important milestones. I think I’ll have plenty of time to catch up and become acquainted with her, and I’ll definitely be here to welcome her into the world.”

I give him a teary grin, touched by his eloquence, thoughtfulness, and love. But it quickly turns into a glare when he continues, “Maybe it’s better that I missed all the puking and moodswings anyway.”

I’m about to slap him again, but as per usual, he cut my actions and words off with a kiss. Maybe a relationship with Josh wasn’t a good idea after all, because now he has a way to shut me up.

But I savor the kiss, getting lost in his soothing touch, before he breaks away.

“I can’t wait to have you both in my life. I love you.”

“You’re cheesy as hell. But I love it. And I love you too.”

And like there isn’t a care or single soul besides us on the planet, we fall victim to each other once more.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #Jennifer Lawrence fanfiction #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #May the odds be ever in your favor haha

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

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These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Eleven

A/N: Well hello there! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m so very happy to finally be writing this story again, let me tell you. I had a terrible block for the longest time, and was busy with graduation. But after a small pause, here it is, in all of its TWAAL glory.

I cannot wait to see your responses to this chapter; it’s what powered me to write it! So truly, I hope you all enjoy the read.

And even though again, she’s going into this chapter blind, big thank you to my partner in crime catching-dandelions.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooo…

I suddenly become aware of a multitude of things, my senses slowly but surely picking up on events around me once more. A faint, yet constant beeping fills my ears, the noise occasionally speeding up or slowing down a slight amount. Colors swirl across my eyelids, painting a dark picture behind my closed eyes. And though I’m uncertain, I think I can hear the sound of murmuring, the voices too quiet and too inaudible to understand.

I’m not too sure what happened to me. The last thing I can recall was the unusual feeling of weightlessness, and the terrible shooting pain I received when my head snapped. Everything went black after that, including my memories of the situation.

So now, to put it lightly, I’m extremely dazed and confused. I am however, gradually becoming more responsive, consciousness slowly trickling back into me.

I can now feel a terrible, pounding sensation within my head, the pain comparable to someone consistently punching the inside of my skull. A soft moan slips from my lips, and I move my body slightly, testing my trunk and my extremities.

Whatever happened to me didn’t leave me paralyzed thankfully, or leave me without any limbs, because my toes and fingers still wiggle on my command. I also stretch my sore joints and ease the pressure on my muscles; it’s apparent that I’ve been lying down for a while, as my arms and legs practically creak at the introduction to movement.

My back though, cries out in protest when I shift it, a shooting pain running from my neck all the way down to the base of my spine. I wince, my eyes shutting even tighter in a squinting expression, and I decide that moving perhaps isn’t the wisest idea after all.

Instead, I focus on opening my eyes to gauge my surroundings, my lids slowly fluttering to reveal my blue gaze.

It doesn’t help too much; everything is blurry, objects around me shifting in and out of focus. But as I stare before me, I can now tell that I’m lying in a hospital bed, clad in a gown and covered in soft blankets. My left hand feels unusual, and when I turn my gaze upon it, I’m not surprised to see an IV poking out of my skin, hooked up to various machines that are currently keeping track of my vitals and providing me fluids.

Before I can question or investigate anything else, I hear a gentle voice on my left.

“Jennifer?”

I pivot my head slightly on the pillows towards the source of sound, and wince slightly from the following pain. But my gaze meets the soft stare of a younger man, dressed in the usual, sterile hospital garb.

“Hey there,” he smiles gently when our stares connect, “Good to see you awake. My name is Dr. Landon, and I’ll be surveying your care.”

I nod, flitting my tongue out to wet my chapped lips, and watch as he grabs a few pieces of equipment off a nearby cart.

“What-“

My voice is unusually hoarse, and I clear it softly a few times before continuing.

“-…What happened to…me?”

He leans over my body, gently commanding me to stare at the wall behind him as he shines a light in both my eyes, before explaining, “Well, I was informed by the paramedics that you were harshly shoved and fell flat on to your back.”

My brow furrows as I try to recall, only getting bits and pieces of memory back.

“Jesus. I can barely remember.”

“We figured as much.”

He puts the light away, and holds up a single digit in front of my face.

“Follow my finger?”

I do so, and when nothing out of the ordinary arises, he continues speaking.

“You suffered some trauma to your back and a mild concussion due to the whiplash of your head snapping back. You’re very lucky you didn’t break a vertebrae or other bone.”

Again, I nod, blowing out a long breath; I wouldn’t exactly call the situation lucky.

“It’s nothing to fret over, however. We’re confident that you’ll make a quick, full recovery,” he continues.

I watch him walk to the foot of my bed, and that’s when my gaze hones in on my body. Specifically, my stomach.

Waves of panic immediately wash through me, visions of the paps and their aggression flashing before my eyes. The monitor beside me begins wailing as my heart rate escalates quickly, and my hands fly down to my abdomen as I pour out a barrage of frightened questions.

“My baby; what happened to my baby? Is she alright? Is she okay? Did I hurt her? Did-“

“-She’s just fine, Jennifer. She’s absolutely fine,” he butts in to soothe me, “All her vitals were normal and she didn’t show any signs of stress.”

I relax instantly, my tense body deflating like a balloon as I blow out a long breath, and nestle back into the pillows behind me.

“Thank God…”

“However…”

His voice sends a lump into my throat, and a painful clench to my heart. When he catches sight of my anxiety again, he waves his hand to dismiss it.

“No, don’t worry; I was just going to say that we’re simply monitoring you both for the time being. The impact from the fall actually made you experience a few premature contractions.”

“C-contractions?” I repeat, completely taken aback, “But I’m only like…five months pregnant.”

“Well, we’ll make sure you won’t go into labor this early. The contractions were sporadic anyway, the uterus simply reacting to the blow, but we’re giving you medicine to keep them at bay. We’ll also be keeping you overnight to keep an eye on both you and your baby, just to be safe.”

“So,” I breathe out, “Just to be sure, my baby is going to be alright?”

“Yes, your baby is going to be alright. And you as well.”

I nod, biting my lip as tears build up; tears of pure relief, but also tears of dread.

I swore to my child that I was going to protect her, and now here I am in the hospital, being told that I could have hurt her. And while I didn’t, while she’s perfectly safe, it’s the possibility that sticks with me.

I was reckless, not careful enough. I didn’t stick to my promise.

I could have injured her. I could have…

I don’t even finish my thought before moisture streams down my face, my hand flying over my mouth to hush the impending sob building in my throat.

Because I could have lost her; I very well could have lost her in an instant.

I cannot help but think how terrible of a mother that makes me, already putting my baby’s life in danger while she’s still cradled deep within me. My body is supposed to be her safe haven, and if I can’t even provide that, then what does that say about me being her guardian. I have an ultimate responsibility to follow, an entire person I have to take care of, and if I can’t do that now…

…then what says I’ll be able to when she’s born. What says I’ll be able to keep her safe from paparazzi, from the media, from rabid fans…

My sobs increase in volume, tears cascading down my cheeks in a sorrowful waterfall. I happen to catch a glimpse of Dr. Landon, his face contorted into one of concern.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” I blubber in his direction, “I just feel…like an awful mother…”

He hesitates, watching as I quite literally crumble apart before him. Through the shade of blurriness my tears have created however, I can see his lips part, as if he’s gauging a mental war with himself to say something, his eyes flitting across the room in what appears to be uncertainty.

I know he’s not a psychiatrist of any sort; he’s simply a doctor working a shift at the emergency room. But even while it’s not necessarily his place, he makes the miraculous choice of attempting to console me, walking up closer to the bed.

“You’re not, not in the slightest. The fact that you are already expressing great concern for your child equates to you being a wonderful mother. I can tell you care for her and love her greatly.”

“B-but,” I sputter out, fighting against my hormonal emotions, “I could have…I could have lost her…”

“But you didn’t,” he steps in before I can say a word more, “She’s safe and sound, and so are you. It wasn’t your fault, and no harm came out of it. You have nothing to fret over.”

I bite my quivering lip, a few stray sobs sounding from my raw throat. As much as I hate to admit, as much as I want to argue and come up with more excuses, he’s right. Though likely I gave her quite the scare and shake in there, peanut is perfectly safe and healthy. While it could have been bad, it wasn’t. So thankfully, this is just a small speed bump on the pregnancy highway.

I nod to acknowledge my agreement, and he gives me a small smile, before pulling a few tissues my way. He gives me time to blow my nose, dab my tears, and get my composure enough under control again, before he speaks up.

“Just take it easy, alright? I’ll get out of your hair, Jennifer, and give you some much deserved rest.”

Once more I bob my head, wetting my chapped lips and sniffling loudly.

“Okay,” I reply, “T-thank you. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry you have to deal with…t-this.”

I gesture to my tear stained face and general dishevelment, and he lets out a warm laugh.

“Please; you’re about the least problematic patient I’ve had all day. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“What, hardcore mood swings and pregnancy hormones? That’s not the worst thing in the ER? I’m surprised,” I sniffle with a soft, broken chuckle.

Again he laughs, and heads to my right to exit the room. I’m unable to follow him as he goes, my neck still too stiff to watch his departure, so I simply nestle myself comfortably back into the pillow behind me.

“Either a tech or myself will be back to check you in a little under an hour. Until then, I’ll finally leave you two be.”

The audible sound of my suite’s door shutting echoes lightly off the sterilized, white walls, and for the first time since I came to, I begin to relax. And following the normal steps of bashing against stress and anxiety, my hand flits down immediately to my stomach, cupping it through the slightly scratchy garb of the hospital gown.

“Hi, strong little muffin,” I murmur aloud, “We went for quite a ride didn’t we? Are things all jostled up in there now?”

I try to be lighthearted, but the strong emotions that were lurking around in the background come creeping forward, my lip finding its normal resting place between my teeth as tears enter my eyes once more.

I realize how precious this moment is, how much of a luxury this is. Considering how close of a call I had, it’s a privilege to be talking to my baby right here and now. It’s a miracle to know that she is indeed alright, and I can go on providing her shelter and nourishment without worry.

So for what seems like the umpteenth time, I begin to cry again, tears falling down my cheeks in a rush as I blurt out an apology.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so so sorry. I nearly broke my promise to you. I nearly ruined everything.”

I laugh bitterly, swiping a hand beneath my eyes in an attempt to halt the moisture.

“Only about six months into this and I’m already fucking things up. I mean, sorry- messing things up. Jesus, I have a lot of things to work on, don’t I? So many things I have to fix about myself, and learn.”

I blow out a long breath, my tears now only a trickle as I continue to gingerly rub my swollen abdomen.

“Like, for starters, I learned today how fragile your life actually is, how much it means to me, how things can change in the blink of an eye.”

I carry on rambling out loud, oblivious to anyone else who may be listening in, and allow my words to bring me down from my fright.

“I guess that’s just part of this crazy, amazing deal though. No one is taught exactly how to do this, how to be a mother. I just kind of have to learn, take every day as it comes. I just have to let you teach me, and I’ll do the same for you too.”

It’s about time I feel her sweet flutters again, and the light movement brings forth a ghost of a smile.

“We’re in this together, baby girl. We’ll somehow figure things out together. That much…” I inhale a shaky breath, “…That much I can promise you. I love you so much.”

The silence that follows is comfortable, my entire form sinking into the hospital bed’s mattress as I hone in on my child’s movements. She squirms and bumps against the walls of my womb at a nearly constant rate, likely stimulated by the sound of my voice.

The thought makes me smile wider, and I pat the side of my tummy with a hand.

“Yes I do. I love you,” I coo.

She gives a series of either strong kicks or punches at that, and I cannot help but chuckle, falling back into the bliss and comfort that motherhood has to offer.

“No, I love you more,” I say, treating her movements as a playful argument and letting out a huff of laughter through my nose.

Again, she retaliates, and I go to shake my head, wincing and stilling at the soreness that follows.

“God, are you going to be more stubborn than me? That’s pretty hard to believe; I don’t back down easily.”

Not surprisingly, another strong squirm follows in reply.

“But it seems like you don’t either,” I say, actually chuckling this time, “Know what though? I think you and I both have to get some rest. Doctors orders.”

She doesn’t stop wriggling, or even calm down in the slightest, so another breathy fit of mirth escapes me.

“Peanut, come on. We’ve had a rough night. The doctor said he’d leave us be, and check back in with us in an hour. We should definitely take advantage of this.”

“As much as I want to let you sleep, I think he was talking about us.”

Everything suddenly comes to a grinding halt.

The giggles that were leaving my mouth trap themselves in my lungs, my breathing almost reducing down to nothing at all. My hand that was rubbing against my stomach stills over the gown, freezing without the slightest tremor of motion. My body that was relaxed and content, tenses up like someone has thrown a bucket of ice water upon it.

Unable to move my head comfortably, unable to gauge my surroundings, I stare blankly ahead, my mind churning with so many emotions I’m surprised sparks aren’t actually flying.

Did I really just hear that voice? Or was it some strange figment of my imagination?

My speculations however, are immediately shut down, and my brain instantly alights, a vicious lightning storm overtaking the confines of my head, as a figure materializes by the hospital bed beside me.

I stare at him with wide, frightened eyes, my mouth flopping open like a fish.

It’s like time itself has stopped, my lungs not filling with oxygen and movement not registering in my muscles. It even seems like my baby has stopped wiggling as well, stunned along with me.

The only thing I find myself capable of doing, is staring through the multicolored maze of his eyes, my blue dancing through the various shades of green and brown as we hold each other’s gazes.

In my state of absolute, pure, and extreme shock, I can’t place the expression written on his face. My brain finally sputters to life just enough to register bits of concern, perhaps even sadness, his brows furrowed and his eyes heavy.

Normally, I would be able to read him like a book. Normally, I would feel the most comforting type of love in the world, just by him standing by my bedside.

But here and now, knowing what he has witnessed, I have completely shut down.

I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I simply wade through the tense silence, and wait for him to make the first move. Hopefully then I’ll be able to gauge just how intense this situation truly is.

After what seems like an eternity of being trapped in doldrums, he finally speaks up, time ticking slowly and painfully forward again as his voice drags me back into reality.

“Hey,” he greets plainly, oddly flat and deeper than usual.

Being brought back into the present, my frozen body begins to thaw out, trembles manifesting, pounding beginning in my chest, and currents coursing back through my brain.

Some way or another, after staring at him like a deer in headlights, I find my voice again as well.

“H-hey,” I squeak out in a tone barely above a whisper.

Another tense bit of silence and staring.

It’s strange to think that he’s bringing me so much fright, someone who normally brings me nothing but reassurance and affection.

But he knows.

He knows.

And not from me telling him myself. Six months without me telling him myself. Six months of me lying to him . Six months of him groping blindly through complete darkness.

My anxiety in turn, is telling me I’m about to be in for it, taunting and jabbing at me that the world is about to come crashing down. My anxiety is telling me that the thing I fear the most, is about to happen.

Because there’s no telling how he’s going to react. Absolutely no telling.

All I can do is brace myself, and prepare for the worst, shaking harder as tears begin to gather in my eyes again.

“Um…how’re you feeling?” he mutters, skating around the topic at hand.

“Fine. Better,” I croak, unable to relax under his foreign, hard stare.

Again, there’s silence.

But unable to avoid it any longer, left with no other choice, we dive into the fire together, Josh addressing the elephant in the room.

“So were you ever going to tell me you’re having a baby or?”

His voice is cold, tense. I know he’s angry at me, and he has every right to be, since I should have informed him the moment I found out.

But I was scared. I was scared because I didn’t know the father. I was scared because I didn’t know how to take care of my baby, or myself. I was scared because I didn’t know how it would impact Josh, how much it would change his life, for better or for worse.

And that very fear is still coursing through my body. He has to know that.

“I tried to tell you,” I gasp out, “I was…I was going to tell you before we left.”

“But you didn’t,” he spits back, and my heart clenches.

“Josh, do you not see where we are right now? I didn’t get to because this happened,” I reply, my voice more even, but also beginning to mirror his anger, my fragile emotions flaring up in response.

“But what did you say earlier? Six months? You’re six months…pregnant?”

He catches on the last word, likely disbelieving and still trying to process what has been thrown so suddenly at him.

“You’ve known for six whole months, and you just now decided to tell me?”

Josh steps away from the bed, pacing slowly about the room and running a hand through his dark hair.

“…You’ve been lying to me, Jennifer,” he says, his voice laden with hurt and anger, “For six whole months you’ve been lying to me. You’ve pushed me away from something so momentous. Such a big part of your life, you haven’t let me in on.”

I can practically feel his anger escalating as he continues, his rant rising in a billowing fire.

“Like what, do you not fucking trust me enough? Am I not allowed to know these things? Is there anything else you’ve been hiding from me, because I’m not sure; now would be a pretty good damn time to fess up.”

“Josh,” I try to say firmly, but my voice ends up catching, “Of course I fucking trust you. You don’t understand-“

“-I don’t understand?” he yells, his tone echoing throughout the room now, “You left me in the dark, Jennifer. You obviously didn’t think I was worthy to be a part of your life. You shut me out again and again, when all I wanted to do was help you. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?”

I’m a human tea kettle, emotions bubbling up inside of me and threatening to explode as Josh continues his painful, accusatory rant. Even though I know this is stemmed from the stress I’ve put him through, and the worry he feels towards me, I’m not lying when I say it hurts like nothing else.

“I’ve let you in on some of the most painful moments of my life, told you things that I wouldn’t dare tell a single soul, but you couldn’t tell me this. I thought we were, I don’t know, on the same fucking terms of trust here.”

“Shut the hell up, Josh. You’re being so fucking irrational-“I snap, fuming, devastated tears burning my vision, but he cuts me off again.

“It’s like I matter nothing to you-“

Now it’s my turn to stomp his bellow away, yelling at him in a hoarse, broken tone.

“You matter the fucking world to me!”

“That’s a load of bullshit.”

Whether it truly is him being irrational, letting his temper speak for him, it enough to tear my already fragile composure in two. The boiling water of emotion rushes up through every part of my being, flooding my soul and scalding me.

Tears cascade down my cheeks in a cataract of pure agony, and in the loudest voice I can manage, I scream at him with everything I have, uttering the true reason behind all my motives.

“You don’t understand the fucking hell I’ve been through these past six months! You don’t realize what I’ve experienced. The only fucking reason I lied to you, is because I don’t know who the fucking father is, okay?!”

I just barely have the strength to utter the last few words, before I collapse inwards on myself, melting before Josh into nothing but sobbing and weakness.

I bawl loudly, every bit of pent up feeling flowing out of me, and my entire body shakes with exertion and spasms.

Through the burning mask of my tears however, I can see Josh has stopped completely cold, frozen and standing still with his mouth slightly agape.

I pay him no mind, flopping over on my side and facing my back to him. I cry harshly into the hospital’s pillow, saturating the fabric quite quickly. The room is filled with nothing but the sounds of my wails, and the fast paced beeping of the monitors beside me.

It seems like I’m locked away in my poor mental state for an eternity, all alone as I sob and sob and sob until my voice is nearly no more. My eyes are on fire with overuse, my throat is raw from my pained cries, my neck is extremely sore from being turned at an angle, and the hand with my IV pulsates excruciatingly.

But I don’t dare to move. I don’t dare to look at Josh.

Seeing the look on his face will likely set me off more, so I simply continue to voice my anguish and flush out any and all emotion.

Something however, takes me by complete surprise.

I feel a weight on the bed behind me, the mattress heaving a groan under the new added pressure. And then a familiar warmth encases me as Josh presses his body up against mine, his front conforming to my backside in a practically perfect fit.

Though I continue to cry, my sobs begin to let up simply from his touch, the mere feel of him against me allowing the tears to wash away some of my sadness.

I feel his palm flatten against my back, before he rubs in soft, slow, tender circles, his face nuzzling into my neck as he caresses me.

And while I may just be imagining it, it almost feels like he’s crying as well, his cheeks damp as he snuggles up closer.

Nothing is exchanged between us for a while. Josh allows me to cry, never halting with his caresses and rubs. When it finally becomes too painful to sob, every heave of my body sending tremors of discomfort down my spine, I make the hesitant decision of rolling myself over to face him.

The second I meet his eyes, more tears tumble down my face in a melancholy stream.

He definitely is crying as well, his hazel depths glistening with moisture. The anger however, has receded completely away, and his facial expression now mimics mine quite closely.

“Josh-“

“-I’m sorry,” he cuts me off, his voice raw, “Jennifer, I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing to me? You’re not the one who needs to…apologize,” I whisper back in return.

“Yes I am. I fucking…erupted at you again, when I should have allowed you to explain first. It just kind of hit me, a few minutes ago. I realized that everything I’ve seen you go through, all the suffering I’ve had to watch you endure, stemmed from this. Am I correct when I say that?”

I bite my lip, and give a slight nod, my face contorting with discomfort.

“So, I had no right to yell at you. At all. You were right, I didn’t understand. But I was just so…shocked and confused, that all my emotions came out at once. I feel like such an asshole, and I’m sorry.”

Little trickles of wetness escape his eyes, causing me to do the same.

“Josh, no,” I choke out, “You have every right to be pissed at me. I…I should have told you the moment I found out. But I was so scared.”

He opens his mouth to question, but I quickly continue, “I was so scared of hurting you. I didn’t want to tell you, because I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.”

I pause for a moment, laughing bitterly through my tears.

“It’s funny. I treasure you so much, I treasure our relationship so much, but I always go about fucking it up. Like oh, I lied and did all this shady shit not to hurt you, which is obviously flawless logic on my part, and I ended up wounding you in the end away. Way to fucking go, Jennifer.”

The sobs start up again in their earnest, but Josh is quick to douse them, reaching up with a hand to cup my cheek.

“You didn’t…” he takes a deep breath, blowing it out pursed lips, “Jen, the main reason I’m upset is because I wasn’t able to help you these past six months. In the long scheme of things, I figure my trust being bruised a tad is nothing in comparison to what you’ve had to face. I’m more upset that you shut me out and rendered yourself helpless.”

Much to his dismay, his words increase the production of my tears, so he gently strokes his thumb across my jaw line to soothe me.

“But Jennifer. I’m willing to listen to you. I’m willing to listen to everything you have to say. You don’t have to worry about upsetting me, or hurting me; all I want now is to help you. That’s all I’ve wanted to do for this past half of a year. I get that you didn’t and don’t want to hurt me, so I just need to understand what you’re thinking, okay?”

My lip quivers as I look deep into his eyes, his stare now gentle and calm, the Josh I’m used to seeing.

“I’ve got you, Jen. I promise I’ve got you. I’m here for you, hun. I just need to know.”

“But…But Josh, there are probably some things you don’t want to hear-“

“It’s fine. Please, Jen.”

The sincerity strung even in the deepest depths of his gaze is enough to convince me. And inhaling deeply, I begin the story I’ve told so many times before. But unlike when I told Liz, or when I told my family, bits and pieces of strong emotions flare up, long lost thoughts and feelings pouring out of my mouth.

A confession boils up that has been even harder to admit than my pregnancy, even harder to wrap my head around, and perhaps even harder to understand myself. But here and now, in the soothing embrace of the man before me, I figure what better time than to let loose, to let everything out I’ve been bottling up since God knows when.

“Josh…I fucking love you.”

His eyes widen slightly at my sudden confession, but not willing to lose the grip on my strength, I continue speaking.

“I know, it’s ridiculous of me to say. Maybe it’s even ridiculous for me to feel. We’re best friends for fucks sake. Or at least, that’s what my brain has been trying to convince me for God knows how long. I’ve been fighting it for years on end. That’s why I’ve been so confused.”

I heave a breath, avoiding his eyes as the proclamation goes on.

“My brain tried to tell me to leave you to your business, to allow you to be with Claudia or whoever you felt was right. My brain tried to tell me that I hurt you too much before in Hawaii, that I couldn’t afford to do something like that to you again. My brain tried to tell me that I wasn’t good for you, that we just needed to remain friends and skate around all the shit.”

I gnaw on my lip as tears fall for the umpteenth time.

“And while this may sound corny as hell, my heart was telling me something completely different. It was telling me that I loved you, that I loved you so much and that something far more than friendship was there. So when…”

My voice catches, and I barely manage to channel the proper composure before admitting to him what I do next.

“So when I went away for Xmen promotion in May, something happened that served as a giant wake up call. Basically a hard slap to my stubborn face. Nick…he…”

The words get stuck in my throat, my tone breaking and croaking with sobs. But a reassuring stroke of my hair from Josh nudges me onward.

“He basically forced himself on me. My stupid fucking heart slipped up for an instant, and before I knew it, we were having…sex after the Xmen Premiere.”

It pains me severely to admit I had relations with Nick to the man I love so much, my eyes shutting tightly as they produce an essential rushing river of tears. Josh however, strokes his fingers softly against my head, silently telling me he’s still listening and wants me to carry on. So I do.

“It was wrong. It was so fucking wrong. I didn’t want it at all. I only wanted to be with you. So it was enough of a wakeup call for me to get my head out of my ass and breakup with him. I realized then and there that things were toxic, that I had let it go on for far too long. And by the time I got back to you, my emotions were just all out of whack. I was so fucking relieved to be back with you, so relieved to not be chained to that asshole, that everything kind of…exploded.”

I sniffle loudly, still not looking at Josh and instead snuggling into his chest.

“You were so sweet that night, so thoughtful. It reminded me of who I was, and what I truly wanted. I knew right then that you were the man of my affections. So when we had sex in Berlin, it wasn’t just a random fuck. It wasn’t a rebound move. I loved you. And I was so frustrated that I couldn’t have you, so frustrated that we were being forced in different directions. I was so frustrated that we had been linked to separate people and not each other. My heart completely took over that night, all my feelings for you erupting in a giant mess.”

There’s a slight pause, Josh likely trying to process everything I just admitted, before he tugs me closer to his body, pressing us together in a soft embrace. My heart flutters at the positive sign, spurring me on.

“But then after, my brain stepped back in. It was like a relapse of Hawaii, and it terrified me. I didn’t know how much I had essentially fucked up our relationship. I didn’t know how much a rash act of intimacy would hurt us again,” I murmur, “But then you surprised me. You said it didn’t matter. You were wonderful enough to understand. Which, for the record, only made me love you more.”

To my utmost relief, Josh releases a puff of laughter through his nose, and I bite my lip before continuing.

“So I thought we were fine. I thought everything was fine, and I decided to push the idea of having a relationship with you to the back of my head, no matter how insanely in love with you I was. It was too close of a call, too close to our situation in Hawaii, and it reminded me how precious you were to me. I tried to take things one day at a time from then on out, and see if our relationship had the chance to evolve. And when things started looking up, I thought life was good, until…”

As usual, my baby moves in response to my words, and my hand eases down to cup my stomach, fighting against the IV tubes to give me more slack.

“…Until I learned I was pregnant on the Mockingjay set. Turns out it wasn’t a stomach bug,” I say with a slight twitter of laughter.

Josh responds with another huff, hugging me even closer.

“It completely threw me. It didn’t make any sense because I was protected. I didn’t know how the hell I could be pregnant. And when I took the thought of Nick being the father into consideration…”

My voice cuts off with a weep.

“God, I just…I didn’t know what to do. Because you saw what kind of person he is. You saw what he did to me. That same night you found me after the party, Josh? He found out about my pregnancy.”

I feel Josh tense around me, his arms going ridged. Not wanting to get him angry again, I quickly go on.

“The thought of that kind of man fathering my child was just…unbearable to think about. So I locked myself away, went spiraling into denial. But people came to my rescue, thank God, or I don’t think I would have made it.”

Again I cut off, but this time with a realization. I lean back in Josh’s arms, finally peering at his face once more. His expression is compassionate, calm, and completely heartening, his eyes astonishingly glassy with unshed tears.

“Come to think of it,” I breathe, “It was you.”

Josh’s eyebrows furrow, but only in confusion.

“What do you mean?” he asks softly.

“You helped me first, Josh. I never put two and two together, until now. Liz was the first to find out about my pregnancy, and in turn gave me the willpower to tell my family as well. But she never would have come to me that night, had you not contacted her with your worries. It was you.”

Tears have become something resembling normalcy tonight, and I cannot help but embrace Josh back, throwing an arm around his reclined form.

“I’m sorry, I definitely can’t deny it anymore; I love you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry for not telling you all of this before, but it was only because I didn’t want to drag you into the mess, and not hurt you.”

I let out a breath, finally done with my long confession. I expect Josh to speak up, or at least move, but oddly enough, he remains motionless, simply searching my gaze.

“So you can do whatever you want with me now,” I mutter with a nervous, bitter laugh, slightly worried that such a sudden and strong declaration was a bit too forward, “Scold me for being stupid, disown me…Whatever the hell you want.”

What happens next goes by in a blur. It’s like I don’t even get a chance to blink, or even a chance to breathe, before Josh’s lips have captured mine in the perfect fit.

For a moment I think I’m dreaming. For a moment I genuinely believe the medicine has pulled me under, and I’m in some sort of fantasy realm, lost in my lover’s kiss.

When I blink multiple times however, my settings remain locked in the hospital, and my lips in Josh’s.

He’s kissing me. He’s actually kissing me. It’s one hundred percent real; it isn’t a dream.

The seemingly endless stream of crying picks up as I try and capture this moment in my memory, never wanting to let go.

Because it has to be a dream, it has to be. His lips upon mine are the quenching drink in a barren desert, his touch pumping my veins with so much love and positivity that I feel I may burst.

He moves intricately, delicately, barely dusting his fingers over my cheeks as he cups my jaw, moving his face against mine. Gently he sucks, occasionally flitting his tongue out to trace the seam of the plump bottom lip. His thumb rubs against my skin, following the movements of his tongue into my mouth. His soft scent perfumes my nose, fills every bit of my being.

It’s about as fairy tale-esque as it gets, the perfect representation of a “true love’s kiss.”

So when he tries to pull away, I lace my hand behind his head, tugging him back forward against me. He chuckles against my lips, the vibrations of his mirth sending a shudder down my spine.

The kiss continues on for a while yet, before we part, staring at each other with wide eyes and panting breaths.

“Actually,” Josh murmurs after a moment with a growing grin, “All of that stuff sounds pretty overrated. I think I’d rather stay by your side and take care of you, take care of you both. If you’ll let me, that is.”

I cannot stop the sob that croaks out of my throat, a waterfall pouring down my cheeks.

“Josh, I…Is this even real?”

“I think so,” he laughs quietly, and presses a chaste kiss to both cheeks, halting the deluge, “Because you know what, Jen? I think I needed someone to step up and be strong for me.”

When I give him a confused smile, he adds, “Since I love you too. So fucking much, but I’ve always been scared to admit it as well. To be honest, I’ve loved you since I first met you. I’ve been an absolute goner for all these years. But you’re just…so amazing and so talented and so beautiful…You’re the world. And it scared the hell out of me too, really. Here I had this amazing woman, but I didn��t want to lose her. I didn’t want Hollywood to corrupt what we had, I didn’t want my job to get in the way. So I was scared to take a step forward, scared to voice my feelings and interfere.”

I’m crying so hard that it’s a wonder I can still hear Josh and make sense of his words, his astounding, eloquent words. He smiles widely at me though, and gently rubs my back to console me.

“I guess that’s what you and I needed, huh? Something to scare us both into admitting it. Something to push us over the edge. About time.”

“T-tell me about it,” I gasp out, and he laughs, rolling his thumb beneath my eyelids once again.

“I know it’s crazy, babe. I know everything is completely crazy. But hey, that’s just us. And now that it’s officially ‘us,’ we can figure things out together,” he chuckles, “To hell with what anyone else thinks. I don’t care about my job, or the media, or anything else. I just care about you. We’ll take small steps hand in hand. I’ll help you get through this like my life depends on it, I promise you. I’ll stay by your side, and I won’t allow you to suffer ever again.

The only thing I find myself capable of doing is weeping and kissing him, switching between the two as I acquaint myself with his loving caresses and touches.

“Oh, and another thing-“

I watch as his hand drifts down, his gaze following as it rests upon my swollen abdomen.

“You frightened us both, but we needed it, so thanks. I can’t wait to hear what your beautiful Mom has to say about you, since I can tell she loves you a lot.”

I very well may melt into a pile of sentimental goo, choking out a broken, relieved, purely happy laugh, disbelieving, hardly breathing.

“Joshy?”

“Hmm?”

“…I love you,” I breathe out, smiling with the brightness of a million stars, savoring the foreign freedom of being able to confess my true feelings to him.

“I love you too,” he replies, testing the phrase as well, the girth of his grin nearly splitting his face.

Like my child proved to me earlier, it’s a wonder how quickly life can change. This morning, Josh didn’t know about my pregnancy at all, and now, here we are as a couple, pushing past the teetering uncertainty of our feelings and proclaiming our love once and for all.

It’s a beautiful thing, and it seems like our lips never part for the rest of the night.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fanfiction #Joshifer full length #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #Jennifer Lawrence fanfiction #*Braces for impact lol*

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saltpepperbeard · 9 years ago

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These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Ten

A/N: Hello my lovely little lemon drops! I hope you all have had a fabulous week so far, and will continue to have a joyous week into the weekend. I’m so happy that I was able to get this chapter to my liking, let me tell you.

This right here is quite a pivotal game changer in the story. Things experience quite a shift after this chapter, and so it’s obviously a highly important one. And earlier...oh my goodness me; I just could not get the emotion to my liking!

But after taking a break, napping, thinking on it, and later coming back to attack it, I was able to achieve exactly the feeling I was looking for. So thank goodness, here it is, in all of its TWAAL glory.

Big thank you to anyone and everyone who sends me encouragement and comments. Your words mean the absolute world to me, and give me the confidence to continue on with this story. I appreciate each and every message, so truly, thank you.

And a thank you to my partner in crime as usual, catching-dandelions, as her reaction spurred me on to continue writing today lol! A special thank you goes to hutchhitched as well, as she offered some much needed advice.

The previous chapter can be found here [x]

All chapters so far can be found here [x]

And without further adooo…

I find myself standing in a dark hallway, the void of shadow nearly overwhelming my surroundings. All except for the rather enticing light which glows softly ahead, beckoning me towards it.

Like a moth drawn to an illuminated object, I find my legs carrying me over to the source, walking without a true idea of where I’m going.

Just when I near the light however, just when I think I’m about to capture it and drink it in with my body, it expands, allowing me to waltz through it entirely. And the moment I do so, a scene suddenly materializes in front of me, one that’s all too familiar and at the same time confusing.

The SBNN Game.

I blink once, puzzlement rolling through me in waves, and throw a glance back over shoulder at the tunnel from which I came.

This is all too strange; I could have sworn I was just here, bathing in the pleasure of watching Josh, and later suffering from the consequences that followed. But perhaps that was just some type of sick nightmare, some type of odd illusion, because the action before me looks more enticing than the last time.

Basketball players run up and down the court almost in a synchronized dance, their bodies glistening with sweat and effort as they continue their competitive fight. Media and press hop from person to person, chattering and allowing the words to flow about mundane topics and questions. Fans buzz around like bees drawn to honey, absolutely honed in on the activity around them.

I stand still for a moment, taking it all in myself. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there’s a red flag going up, telling me that I need to hide and prevent anyone from noticing my identity. But as I swim through the sea of bodies, I push that warning to the deepest crevice of my brain.

Because people are actually treating me like a normal human being.

Even without the slightest bit of cover or concealment, my presence goes virtually unnoticed. Anyone who does manage to catch a glimpse of me simply offers me a smile or a hello, and goes back to their business. It’s almost like my celebrity status is non-existent. And it’s wonderful.

I cannot help but smile myself, a content, happy breath puffing from my nose as I continue to walk around.

While everything about this situation is perfect, and makes me thankful that I decided to attend in the first place, there’s just one little element missing, one absent piece to the beautiful puzzle.

The actual drive behind my motive; Josh.

With him suddenly in mind, I cannot help but scour the court for his presence, scanning the area carefully. There is a plethora of basketball players, a handful of press, and a large pack of adoring fans. But oddly enough, there is no Josh, the man behind it all.

My brow furrows in confusion, and I decide to double my efforts, physically searching for him instead. I push myself a little more fervently through the mass of people, uttering gentle “excuse me’s” and “pardon’s.”

But as I continue to seek Josh out, I find no sign of him. If anything, the mass of people around me seems to grow and become more of a labyrinth, blocking my path multiple times. I’m determined to find him however, and I don’t allow the challenge of a literal body barrier to stop me.

I push and squeeze my way through, and finally, breach my way through the wall of people.

A sigh eases its way out of my nose as I take a moment to gather my bearings, and I think intently about where to look next.

Ahead, there appears to be what looks like a locker room, and I figure that’s my best bet, Josh likely stuck in his jersey or showering at the last minute or some shit like that.

Giving my eyes a roll and chuckling at the thought, I make my way over, and pull open the door without considering what possibly lies behind it. I could very well stumble upon a nude player or something to that degree, but my resolve for Josh douses that thought.

Thankfully, there’s nothing of the sort when the door swings open. In fact, what is revealed to me is not at all what I expected.

Instead of a locker room, or rows of showers, or a copious amount of males getting ready to engage themselves in the game, there’s a corridor. A long, dark, seemingly seamless corridor, with the only hint of light coming from the court behind me.

My brows furrow in bewilderment and slight alarm, everything in my mind telling me this is completely wrong, that I shouldn’t be here.

But for some odd reason, I’m unable to tear myself away. I just continue standing at the entrance, squinting through the eerie gloom and attempting to make out any kind of shape.

And despite the apparent danger, despite having no idea of what I could possibly be getting myself into, I begin to walk into the hall, the door slamming shut behind me. I jump slightly at the slam’s echo, the noise bouncing off the confines of whatever building this is, but press on regardless.

Though it is now completely dark, my eyes begin to adjust slightly, revealing a tile floor beneath me, but no walls on either side. I’m almost essentially blind, walking instinctively forward without having the slightest idea of where I’m going. But suddenly, something else emerges out of the darkness.

Quite a few paces ahead, I spy a figure, nearly drowned out in shadows, but visible regardless. Easing a bit forward reveals it to be a person, with his or her back turned towards me, completely motionless and seemingly unaware of my presence.

“Hello?” my voice rings out before I can stop myself, “Sorry to um…barge in on you, but I’m looking for Josh Hutcherson?”

The person gives no answer to question even after a moment’s pause.

“I’m a friend of his,” I continue, “And he’s kind of a big part of this event, so I was wondering if you’ve seen him?”

Again, I hear no reply, and the person remains entirely still.

A flit of annoyance swells up within me, my determination overriding every bit of my common sense. I stride with unwavering steps, walking quickly forwards the figure.

“Hello? Are you listening to me? I’m looking for Josh…”

Suddenly, the mysterious person comes into view enough that I can make him out, and my heart clenches immediately when I do so.

Because the mysterious person is Josh himself, clad in his jersey. Though his back is turned towards me, I take a moment to comb my gaze over his body. The white, athletic clothes he’s clad in hug his every muscle, clinging to his body in a way that makes me shudder slightly. A large “Hutcherson” is strung across his back in nearly black lettering, and his hair falls in dark brown tufts.

Even without seeing his face, I know he looks extraordinarily handsome. Why he didn’t answer my call or turn towards me however, is beyond me.

“Joshy! What are you doing here alone in the dark, honey?”

Oddly enough, he doesn’t respond yet again, even after I’ve recognized him. My brow furrows in confusion, and I decide to turn off the affectionate concern, switching straight to my zealous, energetic mood.

“You’re late, mother fucker!” I chide out, hoping to rouse him with a bit of our banter, “And I won’t be buying a certain someone Chipotle after this if you don’t hurry the hell up.”

Nothing.

The slight smile stretching my lips fades away, my face falling with newly found apprehension.

“Josh…? Are you okay? What’s the matter with yo-“

Suddenly, there’s an extremely large flash of light, one so bright and so intense that it sends the hairs on my neck standing on their ends. It illuminates the entire space, bathing everything in white, before fading out quickly to darkness yet again.

I gasp in surprise, blinking and seeing colored spots in my vision. And before I can question, before I can make a move, another electrifying jolt of light stops me dead in my tracks, the air sizzling with its force.

Just like the last, it ends almost as soon as it started, much like a bolt of lightning. But the moment it ends, another flash of light manifests. And then another. And then another, until a whole storm of bolts is raining down upon Josh and I, with no visible source.

I squint from the light, straining to see if Josh has moved.

And that’s when I notice something horrifying.

With every flash of light comes a frightening change in Josh. It’s almost like the light is chipping away at him, like an illuminated pick chipping away at his handsomely carved ice. Pieces of him disappear, parts of him deteriorate, and his extremities begin to dissolve like he’s made of some inhuman material.

My mouth opens in a terrified scream, but no sound passes my lips. I careen towards him in a desperate attempt to save him, but my legs do not close the distance between us. I run in place, thrashing and shrieking silently as I try to reach him.

And finally, Josh reacts, but not in the way I expected.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” he screams, his voice pained and strung with agony, sending chills ripping through my body, “Jennifer, why didn’t you tell me?!”

He continues vanishing before my eyes, and I shout out in panic, finding my voice again.

“I tried to tell you! That’s what I came here for!” I cry, tears beginning to cascade down my cheeks.

But he only continues yelling his mantra, his body dissolving more and more, looking very much like an incomplete puzzle.

“Josh!” I sob, putting all my physical and mental strength into reaching him, “Don’t leave me! I wanted to tell you! Joshua!”

Just when I think I might reach him, just when I think I might pull forward and break my invisible chains, two pairs of hands snake around my shoulders, holding me steadfast in place.

“Let me go! Fucking let me go!” I cry, thrashing violently to escape their grips and get to the man of my affections.

When I turn my head to gaze upon my aggressors, however, my heart plunges into my abdomen, my face blanching of all color. Because there, holding on to me with vice grips, are the two men in my life I want absolutely nothing to do with; my ex boyfriend and the boyfriend Liz imposed upon me.

But their faces are distorted, dark and abnormal, their eyes glistening with a midnight sheen as they continue to grasp me, preventing me from reaching the one person I care about in this hellish world. Together, they yank me away from Josh, and I barely catch him falling completely victim to the aggressive blaze, dissolving entirely, before I’m tugged into another scene.

I scream out in pure anguish, tears threatening to suffocate me as the pour down my cheeks and past my lips. But the men pay me no mind, dragging me to some ungodly destination of their desires.

And quite suddenly, they stop short.

“What are you doing? What is this place?” I whimper out in fear.

They don’t answer; instead, the fans from the game emerge out of the ground, surrounding us in a tight circle and boring holes in us with their eyes. It’s essentially a prison of bodies, and I’m trapped in the middle.

Abruptly, unseen hands rip and claw at my body, causing me to shriek in horror and pain. They burrow into my skin, tearing away the protective barriers of my clothing and slicing my skin with an invisible raggedness. I jerk as I try to escape the terrible torment, but am at their complete mercy, rendered motionless yet again as the torture continues.

The hands shred and scratch and break, and soon leave me completely bare before all the prying eyes around me, wrecked to my most fragile state.

I lay on the ground, gasping and staring at the fresh crimson liquid oozing from the wounds that now cross my exposed body.

The people surrounding me change at the sight of me, their expressions unexpectedly growing intense and angered. Their noses crinkle in disgust, while some of them sneer. I can see them eyeing my naked form, and I attempt to curl away, hiding it from their condemnatory stares. My body is not meant for their eyes, especially when it’s all the more precious with a growing life encased inside.

But I am rendered motionless, unable to do anything about their dreadful glares. Most frightening of all, the circle of people around me begins to close, the judgmental group shutting me in.

“Stop!” I scream, “Leave me alone! Get the fuck away from me!”

I continue to cry out my protests, but they only persist in advancing, closing tighter and tighter around me.

I scream until I can scream no more, my voice going hoarse and my body bracing for impact. But just as they near me, just as I fear I will fall complete victim to the lot of them, everything fades into a white wash. And with the sudden return of motion to my muscles, I sit up abruptly with a terrified cry, whipping my head wildly around.

But everything is gone. The people, the two men, Josh, everything; instead, I’m sitting bolt upright in my hotel room, sweaty and terribly tangled in the blankets of my bed.

I pant heavily, trembling as I try to bring myself down from the horrors I just witnessed. And when the fear seeps enough out of my blood stream, devastation takes its place, tears rushing down my cheeks as I fall against my pillows.

That nightmare was essentially a solid manifestation of everything my life has been for the past month or so. That nightmare was the perfect representation of the hell I’ve been dealing with, simply combined into a single, terrifying dream. All my current fears, my current worries, were present in that frightening world, obviously showing that I’ve been unable to overcome them in real life as well.

But how could I. My life plummeted into absolutely torment, into pure misery, the moment I left Josh after the SBNN game.

I was ripped away from him, after being so ready to inform him about my pregnancy, so ready to catch him and never let him go.

I was forced into the arms of another, having to flaunt a fake relationship with the lead singer of Coldplay, simply to give Liz more time and space to debunk the rumors about Josh and I.

I was played like a puppet, having to adhere to the PR Team’s wants and requirements.

I was booted to concerts, shoved to pap walks, and constrained into submission.

All without the allowance of a single peep to Josh, who was also dealing with the same type consequences our careers inflicted upon the both of us.

That alone in itself was extremely hard, my heart longing for him and my body aching for his touch. Every time I gazed at my ever growing stomach, I felt a pang of guilt and sadness. Every time I spied the empty spot in the bed beside me, I desired for it to be filled by his comforting presence.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I certainly believe it, because going a month without any kind of contact made my feelings go wild within me.

My pregnancy made me momentarily blind, and unable to focus on how I truly felt for Josh, too wrapped up in my fear towards the situation.

But being alone, physically and mentally, allowed me to think about him, and only about him.

Feelings of affection, pure and pristine, bubbled up like a spring. Every night when I would go to bed, I would long for his arms around me, or picture his lips locked in mine. I sought his comfort, his compassion, his kindness. I needed the happiness I knew only he could bring me.

I’m sure my unrelenting hormones had to play some part, but I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted him.

I knew I needed to be strong and survive this mess, just long enough to overcome it and then throw myself back into his waiting arms, where I would tell him about my pregnancy and build the last bridge between us, perhaps solidifying our relationship entirely.

But just when I convinced myself to fight for Josh and my baby girl, the absolute unthinkable happened.

I woke up one night to the ringing of my phone going off, the calls not letting up. I answered only to hear a very frantic Liz, her terrifying, scrambled words not hitting me at first. It took me more than a few moments to process what she told me, not wanting to believe it or take it all in.

I remember telling her that she was lying, and then screaming it, before I chucked my phone aggressively at the bed.

I remember the tears, the screams, and the pain that overtook my entire body. I remember the agony, the disbelief, the disgust I felt towards myself. I remember the denial, the panic, the melting pot of emotions that swirled within me.

Because Liz had informed me that pictures of my bare body, pictures certainly not meant for more than a certain pair of eyes, had exploded all over the world.

My body, my personal haven, the home and heart to my growing baby, were exposed to any and everyone. My privacy was absolutely destroyed, smashed to bits with close to no hope of recovering.

Though I immediately told my family this time around, and immediately sought help, it was the last step to breaking me, the final straw towards my composure.

I had gone through too much, experienced too many agonizing situations to see the light ever again.

And so, I shut myself out, wandering lost in the world of tribulations and hurt once more.

Crying has practically become part of my daily routine, and nightmares, much like the one I just woke up from, have become habitual, invading my sleep almost every time my head hits a pillow.

Technically, my trial of sorts would almost be over. It’s now the end of September, which means I only have about two weeks or so before I finally get to see Josh again.

But I’m so damaged. I’m so, so damaged, that I’m unsure if even he will be successful in repairing me. The only thing that’s keeping me slightly sane in all of this is my baby, but I’m pretty sure she can’t deplete the absolute melancholy either.

Regardless, I talk to her, which has also become a consistent event. It calms me, soothes me, gets my head out of the clouds just enough to drag me through my days.

“Did I wake you?” I whisper to my stomach, pulling myself up and out of the blankets to allow my body to cool off, “I’m sorry, sweetie. Mommy just had another…nightmare.”

I blow out a long breath, and curl around myself as the tears continue to flow.

“Now I know how Katniss must feel,” I comment wryly, “Never did I think I would be relating to a character of mine.”

My hand finds my swollen abdomen without thought, slipping beneath the fabric of my nightshirt and rubbing against the stretched skin.

“When will this be over? When will any of this be over? You have no idea how much I just want to…Shut myself out forever.”

I heave a sigh, clutching my tummy gently.

“…But I can’t do that, can I? I have you to take care of. I won’t let any of this shi- I mean, crap…inflict pain on you, peanut. I’ll keep you protected, I promise. You’re the one…pure thing I have left in my life. I won’t allow anything to happen to you.”

More tears trickle from my eyes, my hormones kicking up again along with my strong motherly instincts.

“I love you, baby girl. I’m sorry I can’t be stronger for you. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. It’s just so…difficult. I barely know what to do anymore…”

I stare off into space again, lost in my thoughts and in my emotions. I realize I’m probably not going to go back to sleep for a while, so I stretch for the remote, snatching it off the nightstand and flicking the television on.

I idly skim through the channels, searching for anything that can perhaps put a smile on my face, a rare occurrence these days. But this late at night, my favorite shows are nowhere to be found, the channels littered with sports and news.

I let out a disappointed sigh, but just when I’m about to turn it off, my interest is snagged by a familiar blue logo. I stare at the screen, transfixed, and a sad ghost of a smile appears on my face.

Never did I ever picture myself watching this; it’s a recap of the Wildcat’s latest football game. Though usually seeing the team would cause me to dramatically retch and twitch, it brings me comfort tonight. It reminds me of Josh, and reminds me that regardless of how I’m feeling, regardless of what happens next, I’ll be seeing him soon.

My stomach twists, perhaps a jolt of longing coursing through my body. I miss him. I miss him so much. I wish he was actually here comforting me and telling me everything was going to be alright. I wish I wasn’t so shut out so I’d actually be able to appreciate it.

Again, my stomach flutters, and I roll my eyes slightly at its insistence.

Okay, so maybe it’s not all longing, and maybe part of my old self is indeed still around, what with hunger controlling my actions and all.

I’m about to force myself up to get something to eat, when the odd sensation in my stomach makes itself evident for the third time.

It’s enough to make me still, and pique my curiosity.

No, that’s not a pang of emotion or a grumble of hunger at all. It feels entirely foreign, all the while extremely familiar, like something I’ve been hardwired to recognize. It feels like the stereotypical “butterflies in your stomach” type of sensation, but a bit more intense. If I didn’t know any better, it would almost feel like there really is something inside my stomach, jostling around and twirling…

I cut myself off in mid-thought, processing the words that just ran through my brain. Because yes, it does feel like I’m experiencing movement from deep within me. And that can only mean one thing, something I’m completely awe-struck by.

My eyes, which had been hanging heavy with fatigue and sadness, widen immensely. My body, which had been sagging against the mattress in its state of melancholy, perks up immediately in pure curiosity and wonder. And my hand, which had been alternating between wiping my eyes and occasionally caressing my stomach, clutches my tummy tightly, unbelieving, barely breathing, and above all, completely astounded.

“H-hey,” I breathe out in pure awe, fresh moisture glazing my vision over, “Is…is that you in there, peanut? Is that really you?”

There’s a slight period of nothingness, a slight period of quiet.

Then I feel the flutter again, almost in response to my words, and it’s like my entire world has been flipped upside-down.

“Oh my God,” I sob, cupping my mouth with my free hand as weeps start up.

Because my baby moved within me. She actually moved within me. She’s grown enough so I can feel her, her sweet little flutters and kicks. It’s her way of telling me that she’s really there, that she’s really inside of me and there.

I continue to cry, and shift both hands down to hold my stomach, rubbing my thumbs softly over the ample orb.

“I can feel you,” I repeat aloud, stating the obvious because I still can’t comprehend it, “It’s you, it’s really you. I can’t believe it’s actually you.”

And just like that, she moves again, almost like she’s replying.

“Hi,” I laugh through my tears, pure elation and joy suddenly surging in like a tidal wave, “Hi, sweetheart. Oh my God.”

I’m smiling and laughing for the first time in weeks, emotions only a mother can experience lifting me up and out of the darkness. And I’m so focused on my baby that I almost forget about the television being on, though one phrase blurts out of the screen that catches my attention.

“Catch the Kentucky Wildcats in a few days, as they play against one of their largest opponents.”

My breath catches, and I stare at the screen with wide eyes, before looking back down at my belly.

Memories of my brother talking about Josh being the father suddenly stream through my head, his predications filling every confine of my mind.

“I’m just saying. My senses are telling me it’s Josh’s. I can practically see the fucking blue and white and it’s making me nauseous,” Blaine’s voice echoes.

“Oh my God,” I breathe out, staring intently at the Wildcat logo and clutching my stomach with both hands.

I’m not sure whether this entire event happened to be a freak coincidence or not. But regardless, it brings a smile that’s so wide and so large, it very well may split my face in two.

“Is…Is that your…Daddy?” I ask my baby, my voice catching on the last word as tears continue their trek downwards, “Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Do you have some of that…Lawrence intuition as well?”

Not surprisingly at all, she moves again, stirring and bumping against the walls I’ve built around her.

“Just like your Uncle Blaine, huh pumpkin?” I sniffle, smiling as I look at the screen, “Well…I hope you’re right. I hope you and him are both right.”

She gives me a single flutter at that, and I choke out another sob, though this one is strung with happiness.

“I like your confidence, sweetpea. I love you. I love you so much.”

As she continues to move around, she unknowingly pumps strength back into my veins.

My child has awakened me, snapped me out of my doldrums and brought me back into reality. My child offered me a glimpse of a hopeful future, a taste of what is potentially to come. My child has shown me that things can and will get better, reminding me of what I have to do next.

My baby, unborn and unnamed, has already had such a huge impact on my life. She’s brought me love, compassion, maternity, and serenity even in my darkest times. She’s my little beacon of light, guiding me through the fog towards the handsome destination that is Josh.

If she can be strong for me, using her utmost ability to make herself known and remind me of my place, then I can and will be strong for her.

I will overcome this mess.

I will fight for my old self, fight for my smiles and happiness again.

I will tell Josh.

I will most certainly not give up now.

xXx

Going off the burst of optimism, love, and happiness my baby gave me, I managed to pick my life back up again. Instead of running and hiding from my problems, I decided to address them head on. Instead of crying about my troubles, I decided to overcome them.

The issue of my nudes leaking was the first obstacle I chose to face, it being the most prominent and taxing out of all my issues.

Though an upsetting topic to talk about, I managed to put the terrible event behind me in a single leap and bound. With help again from my family and friends, I convinced myself that it was not my fault, nor should I be ashamed. I told myself that life would go on no matter what, and that things would get better. The world would soon find another topic to focus in on, and the issue would be close to forgotten. It essentially was in my eyes after all.

Next, I allowed myself to power through the last few weeks of the PR stunt, trying not to be too bothered by the present and instead focus on the future. I reminded myself that it was just a temporary thing, and I would be surrounded by loved ones soon enough.

And speaking of loved ones, I allowed the soothing thought of Josh to be my guide, easing me through my days.

Though the weeks weren’t easy, he was my end sight. I knew I just had to get through a few more moves, and I would be back by his side without a single care in the world. I focused on him, honed in on him, allowed the image of his presence to completely fill my mind.

So now that the time has come to finally see him, to finally reunite with him, I’m filled with an emotion I can’t exactly place.

It’s a mixture of things, surely. Ecstasy? Serenity? Excitement? Affection? Relief?

Essentially every positive feeling under the moon pounds through my veins, making it very hard to sit still on the plane I’m currently cooped up in.

Thankfully, I don’t have much longer to wait, the plane touching down in my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky.

Though it’s nearly November now, the Mockingjay Part One promotion directly around the corner, and despite the fact that we’re going to be stuck with each other for a little over a month, Josh and I agreed to spend some much needed time together. We decided to meet up in my hometown, and bathe in each other’s presences, reacquainting fully before starting up on the more career-focused promotion.

And though Josh doesn’t know it yet, I’ll be telling him about the baby before promotion starts up as well, preferring to inform him ahead of the traveling and packs of screaming fans.

As the plane taxis towards a private gate, I let out a long, contented sigh, a smile tipping my lips upward.

Because everything’s going to be okay. For once in my life, I am certain that everything’s going to be okay.

I feel my baby squirm slightly, and I rub my stomach soothingly, my face contorting into a half-wince.

“Hey, easy in there. You have no idea how much I have to pee. Do I have to revoke your kicking privileges?”

She doesn’t listen, moving around yet again, and I let out a snort.

“I’m sorry that you didn’t have a pillow for the flight, but that does not mean you can use my bladder.”

It seems like the closer we pull towards the gate, the more she flutters, and the thought makes me smile wider.

“Or are you just excited to see Josh? I know I definitely am.”

It’s hard to console her through the large sweatshirt I’m currently wearing, a way of hiding my stomach from unsuspecting eyes. And for the time being, Josh as well. But regardless, I continue to rub through the layers of thick fabric, continuing our little conversation.

“We’re so close to seeing him, baby girl. So close. And then I’ll tell him about you…which is obviously what you’ve been trying to get me to do for weeks, am I right?”

Again, she moves, delivering a rather square punch or kick to the wall of my womb, which equals a laugh from me in return.

“Jesus, okay!” I giggle, “I’m getting there, I promise. Don’t make me pee myself before I can talk to him…”

The private plane finally stops moving, halting at the gate. And I feel both my nerves and excitement escalate, my lip worrying between my teeth with a smile.

Once the door is open, I practically rip myself from my seat, snatching my carry-ons and careening down the stairs of the jet itself.

“Jennifer!”

I hear him call my name before I see him, but when our eyes finally meet, I cannot prevent myself from laughing hysterically in elation, and crying as well.

I almost trip as I bolt down the plane’s stairs, and run at full speed towards the man who’s currently running towards me as well. We meet each other in the middle on the tarmac, colliding into one another and immediately scooping each other up in a firm embrace.

We’re both panting, laughing, and surprisingly both weeping as well, as I can feel a few droplets of moisture speckle across my neck as Josh presses his face into my collar.

“Oh my fucking God,” he whispers, hugging me so firmly that I cannot be more thankful for wearing layers of clothing, “Shit, I missed you.”

“I missed you…too,” I blubber against him, sniffling and trying my best to get my emotions in check, “So so much.”

The chuckle that sounds from him rumbles deep in his chest, his entire body vibrating with mirth before he places a chaste kiss to the side of my head, his embrace never faltering.

“I can see that, platypus,” he teases, and leans away only to reach towards my face with a hand.

Gently, he brushes his thumb beneath my eyes, catching any stray droplets and drawing color to my cheeks. When he lowers his hand to wrap around the small of my back again, he simply stares at me tenderly, his smile fading into a more solemn expression.

“Are you okay?” he asks, and I can place the genuine concern in his voice, knowing exactly what he’s referring to.

Josh didn’t call me during my ordeal simply because he couldn’t, our contact practically cut with our busy schedules. But that didn’t stop him from defending me and expressing his concern, even when he was supposed to be focused on his own movie instead. With this wonderful deed in mind, his protectiveness and love evident, I’m completely truthful when I reply.

“Yeah,” I nod after a moment, offering him a teary smile, “And much better now that I’m with you.”

The answer is enough to convince him, and he gives me that handsome, crooked grin of his in return.

“I’m glad to hear that. Things just…weren’t the same without you around, Jen. I felt like a piece of me was missing.”

“God, you don’t know the half of it.”

I cuddle up against him, drinking in his warmth and sweet scent, his presence depleting weeks of misery away on the spot.

“Actually, I do. I didn’t have anyone to buy me McDonalds!” he whines dramatically, “It was fucking terrible.”

I immediately burst out laughing, giving his chest a shove with a hand.

“Oh my God, is that all I am to you?”

“Well, who the hell else would I go into a food coma with?”

“Fine, I’ll give you that much.”

He laughs his beautiful, joyous laugh, before pulling me back warmly in his arms.

“You know you’re way more to me than just that.”

“Yeah I know; I’m the one who buys you Chipotle. That’s a whole different league entirely, a huge step up.”

Again, he laughs, and I cannot help but join him.

“Sure okay, that too,” he chuckles, “But no, Jen; you’re practically everything to me. I was so worried about you these past few weeks, and you have no idea how happy I am to see that you’re alright.”

His sudden confession renders me speechless for a moment, tears pushing themselves down my cheeks against my will.

“Shut up,” I finally whisper out after a pause, “God, you’re making me so fucking emotional.”

He grins a cheesy grin, and I return the expression, blowing out a long breath through my mouth to calm myself down.

“But no, I was thinking about you a lot, Joshy. I needed my sweet Spongy in my life.”

We smile tenderly at one another for a moment, but it’s quickly broken by the quite deafening roar of my stomach growling; it doesn’t help that I have a baby sitting heavy on my internal organs on top of the hunger I’m basically always feeling.

We share a laugh at the noise, and Josh tugs me towards the awaiting car.

“Okay, so it looks like it’s my turn to buy you McDonalds.”

“Damn straight. And maybe a pizza on top of that.”

“Déjà vu. As long as I get to smack a ketchup packet on your ass again, I’m sold.”

xXx

Sticking to his promise, Josh asks the chauffeur to head straight to the nearest McDonalds, where he buys me a plethora of food. And it’s practically like no time has passed between us at all, like the weeks of suffering I experienced no longer matter.

We laugh like two toddlers, teasing one another and embracing our mutual immaturity. The night is filled with shooting straw wrappers at one another, holding up french fry moustaches, and dotting each other with ketchup.

While we do receive some pretty odd stares, we’re too wrapped up in one another to pay anyone else much notice.

When we finish up, I unconsciously rest both hands on my stomach, sighing and letting out a groan of pleasure from being so full.

“Got yourself a food baby there?”

Josh’s teasing tone snaps me back into reality, and I suddenly grow aware of my actions.

I mentally curse myself for momentarily forgetting about the task at hand, but thankfully, he unintentionally reminded me of the one thing I definitely need to tell him tonight.

Just not now; for the time being, my actual baby is indeed just a food baby.

“To the max, hun,” I sigh blissfully, causing him to laugh, “But I don’t know, maybe another cheeseburger would do the trick…”

“Jennifer, I really don’t want to see you implode,” he chuckles, “Tell you what. If you’re still hungry later, I’ll order us both a pizza, okay? And I mean legitimately hungry, not just convincing yourself otherwise.”

“But I could always go for a pizza,” I whine, but when I catch sight of his cocked eyebrows, I let out a huffing sigh of defeat.

“Fine…”

He grins at me and stands, offering a hand and gingerly pulling me up with him.

“Well alright. Let’s head back then.”

We throw our trash away, and head out the door into the cool night air, making our way back to the parked car across the lot.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary, everything perfectly calm and happy as I snuggle up next to my rock. But then a simple rustling in the bushes to my left changes the mood in an instant.

It’s like the world shifts into slow motion, the next sequence of events happening in a blink of an eye before I can process them.

To my absolute pure and utter dismay, the rustling in the bushes turned out to be a pap, and the moment he emerges from his hiding spot to snap a picture, an entire pack of them follow in his midst.

My vision runs red as blood, dread, and adrenalin all surge through me in a desperate cataract. I find myself incapable of reacting, falling victim to the sudden yelling and flashes that shower down upon Josh and I.

…Again.

But Josh is quick on his feet, and shoves me ahead of him, stepping behind me and blocking the oncoming attack.

“Jennifer. Get to the car. Now,” he says firmly, before turning his anger towards the pack of animals barreling down upon us, “Get the fuck away, you pieces of shit!”

This is unusual for Josh, as I’m accustomed to him escorting me back and not paying the paps much mind. Then again, these are also unusual paps, not just the regular douchebags I’m used to. They’re far more aggressive, far more insistent, reaching out and attempting to touch me to spur a reaction, and quite literally boxing Josh and I in.

“Don’t you fucking touch her!” Josh seethes, “I swear to God; touch her and you’re fucking dead.”

“Strong words coming from a man of your stature, Josh,” one of the men taunts, and I immediately feel sick to my stomach in turn.

Josh however, pays the comment no mind, instead putting all his focus into fighting them off and ensuring my safety.

That simple task however, has become quite difficult; the paps are literally herding us, disorienting us with their flashes and separating us with their bodies.

When I turn my head to see if Josh is still trailing me, I’m horrified to see a wall of terrible men and flashes of light instead.

“Jennifer!” Josh’s desperate voice sounds over the taunts and camera shutters, “Get to the car! Don’t worry about me; please just get to the car!”

The absolute panic rushing through me is the only thing that gets me to agree to his words, and I begin desperately running, trying to look for an opening in the bodies to push myself out of and get to safety. I can barely see or think straight, the constant flashes of light almost putting me in some kind of daze.

But when I see a slight gap in the paps, I careen immediately for it.

Only to be blocked by another wave of men.

“Fucking- let me through!” I scream, and in pure desperation, resort to shoving them with my hands to get out.

My desperation must translate into aggression however, and certainly not being afraid to return the favor, I’m shoved harshly backwards in return, multiple pairs of hands nailing me straight in the chest.

The force is strong enough to knock me off my feet, and I manage to hear Josh’s frantic scream of my name, before I land directly on to the hard pavement below, my world going dark instantly.

#TWAAL #Joshifer #Joshifer fic #Joshifer fancition #Joshifer full length #Jennifer Lawrence fanfiction #Jennifer Lawrence #Josh Hutcherson #joshiferrecs #joshifersource #Love you guys #Thank you for all the support

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