#Johnson smith | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hug-your-face · 1 year ago

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Stuff like this existed and you could buy it mail-order from the Johnson Smith Catalog.

It was a thick, pulp-paper pamphlet with each page absolutely crammed with products. Sometimes single pages of the catalog would be printed in the back pages of comic books.

Each product was described in about as much detail as the Skeletons Fucking cassette above, and the actual product was usually of the same quality. For example:

U-Control 7-Foot Life-Size GHOST. USE indoors and outdoors. Acts life-like. You control in secret. Ready to operate. Rises, falls, floats, spooky effects, darts, dances. Includes: inflatable head and white shroud "body" (about 7-ft overall) with near invisible 50-ft control line. Includes detailed instructions.

My dudes, I got one of these. It was a white balloon, a 12 ft x 12 ft white plastic sheet, and a length of fishing line. The detailed instructions were basically "put the sheet over the balloon, tie the line to it, chuck the whole thing over a tree limb, and pull on the string to make it dance."

And 80% of the hundreds of goodies inside this catalog were just like that. Not all of them: There were also a couple of gadgets, like the "10-in-1 Optical Device", or the "Electrostatic Generator," that did seem pretty rad to a tiny kid. But most of them set expectations far higher than the actual thing would deliver.

And honestly that was part of the fun. "Oh I can't wait to hear what Johnson Smith Skeleton Romance Cassette is gonna sound like!" The price was always just low enough that more than likely you'd shake your head and wonder why the grown-ups failed to make things as awesome as you could IMAGINE them. And then you'd order yet another crazy gottam thing, KNOWING that THIS one was gonna be just sick.

No need to sell your shitpost goods out of your car and then flee. Just like shitpost blogs have thousands of followers, the Johnson Smith Company was a legit going concern that GOT REPEAT CUSTOMERS by selling its shitpost products until they closed their doors in 2019.

I'm pretty sure that in the 70s you could have made some sort of a career out of being good at shitposting. Getting yourself a cassette tape recorder and just recording shit like "Sounds of Two Skeletons Fucking" and then sell them in some makeshift booth in the weird side of town, and the people won't know what the hell they're buying before they do and get home, put it on their cassette player and it's just a loud sound of clattering.

Half the people feel like they got scammed and vow that they're going to find and strangle the damn conman selling this garbage, and the other half laugh from the sheer absurdity and say that they'll gotta go back to that Songs That Make You Say "What The Fuck" booth again tomorrow to see what the other bizarre tapes would be. Neither of them will ever find me again. I have already packed up all my shit in my 1962 Chrysler Valiant and driven off, already in the next town over, never to be seen again.

#Johnson smith #Johnson smith catalog #1970s #1980s #shitposting #now that I think of it the Calvin and Hobbes propeller beanie bit was probably based on catalogs like this

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lukesvangelista · 8 months ago

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𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐏𝐒, 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘ˡᵉ⁷⁷

in which luke witnesses your shot at the national championship.

warnings; none that i can think of (may upset some wisconsin fans, sorry if this is too soon)

If you could tell the hockey gods to go to hell at this moment, you would not hesitate.

March 24, 2024. Whittemore Center Arena, University of New Hampshire. The University of Wisconsin vs. The Ohio State University. 2 vs. 1. A little over eight minutes left in the game. The score? 0-0.

Despite outshooting Wisconsin throughout the entire game, you had not scored a single goal. You had had a few close chances, sliding in past Wisconsin’s defensemen a few times, but just couldn’t convert. At this point, you were thanking Raygan for her outstanding performance in goal. But most definitely not the hockey gods.

The voice of Coach Muzerall fluttered through your ears as she told you all to give it everything you got. You were sure Mark Johnson was giving the same speech to his girls at the opposing bench, but honestly, you were too nervous to care. Your eyes wandered around the arena in hopes of finding the only person who could offer any comfort at the moment — Luke.

Unfortunately, Luke had missed the past few games of the NCAA tournament — even your earlier Frozen Four game against Clarkson — because of his schedule with the Preds. Luckily for you, the team was rewarded with a complete off day after their win over Detroit last night. So Luke did the only he could think of. He bought a plane ticket to Durham as soon as he landed in Nashville, and ubered to the arena in order to see you play. You woke up to a text saying that he’d be there, and were beyond excited (and relieved).

As you skated onto the ice in preparation to resume the game, you were able to locate him about halfway up in the stands. He was on his feet, decked up in his scarlet and gray apparel, with a buckeye necklace hanging around his neck. In his hands was a sign that read ‘BUCKEYES > BUCKY’. A small smile crept its way onto your face, wondering where he would have even gotten the materials to make it, but you didn’t care. His support meant everything.

After moving your eyes off of Luke, you focused on Cayla Barnes, who was stationed off to the right of you. She gave you a quick nod, and you knew she meant business. Just as you focused your attention back on the ice, the puck had dropped, with the Badgers winning the draw.

You quickly moved into your own zone, parking yourself in front of the nearest Wisconsin player, which happened to be Britta Curl. The puck passed back and forth between a few of the players before Laila Edwards ended up taking a shot. Raygan managed to kick save it out of your zone as most of your teammates went to make a line change.

They weren’t quick enough, however. Wisconsin had managed to quickly pass the puck out of their zone to center ice, where Curl was waiting patiently with her stick. The puck fell into line perfectly as she entered your zone. You rushed back as fast as you could as you saw Raygan prepare for a wrist shot, and somehow managed to poke the puck away as you tangled up with her. This time, the puck landed right on Cayla’s stick.

Cayla quickly rushed up ice as you let out a small breath. You followed suit, backing her up in case a Wisconsin player managed to steal the puck back. It didn’t take long, however, for Cayla to find Hannah Bilka at center ice, with Joy Dunne on her tail.

You held your breath as the puck landed on Joy Dunne’s stick. If there was one person who wasn’t going to fail you, it was her. She was your team’s leading point scorer with 38 points on the year (23 of which were goals), the WCHA Rookie of the Year, and the NCAA Rookie of the Year. Almost immediately, she sent the puck flying right past McNaughton’s glove and into the goal.

Cheers erupted from the ice, bench, and stands as you were swallowed up into a team huddle by the glass. Joy excitedly made an “O-H” with her hands before embracing you all and making her way to the bench. You smiled softly and looked up at the clock — 7:13 left in the third. You skated off the ice and Stephanie Markowski took your place by center ice.

Locating Luke again, a bright smile was plastered wide across his face as he watched the replay. He had met Joy, who you embraced as a little sister, when he had come to campus to visit you earlier during the all star break. Needless to say, he was proud of her, as anyone should be. What you didn’t know, however, is just how proud he was of you. Your defensive poke-check set the scoring play into motion and here you were just over seven minutes away from winning the national championship.

Time couldn’t have passed more slowly for you as the clock wound down. Wisconsin had created many more scoring opportunities, but just couldn’t convert (you had to thank Raygan once again). You were back on the ice with two minutes to go, scrambling back into the defensive zone as the Badgers pulled McNaughton in order to gain an extra attacker. Your heart raced as you saw Casey O’Brien rush onto the ice, skating swiftly towards your goal.

You knew nothing good was going to happen if you couldn’t calm down. So, as the puck was passed to Ava Murphy, you took a deep breath and raced in front of her as she wound up for a slap shot. As she let go of the puck, you dove in front of it, the puck redirecting off of your ankle and into neutral territory.

Man, did that hurt like a motherfucker. The crowd simultaneously grimaced and cheered for you as you recollected yourself off of the ice. You swear you could hear Luke’s voice yelling your name out of the entire crowd, telling you to get up and kick ass.

The puck was quickly regathered by Caroline Harvey as she circled through neutral ice, waiting for her teammates to reenter the zone. Once completed, the puck was passed to Lacey Eden as Emma Peschel tried to poke it away, but in vain. Caroline passed it to Charla Edwards, who lined up to take a shot from the blue line. None of your teammates were guarding her, so you did what you had to do. You once again skated up and prepared your body to be hit with a hard piece of vulcanized rubber. When it did, you fell to the ground, but got right back up as cheers erupted once again.

“Let’s go, Y/N!” Quinn Kuntz yelled from the bench, and you struggled to skate, but the puck had bounced right back to Edwards. Instead of trying to move around you, she wound up for another slap shot, but that one didn’t get past you either. The puck once again hit your body as you blocked the shot, falling to the ice once again. Finally, Emma was able to clear the zone as the puck raced towards the other end of the ice.

At that moment, you used your stick to propel you towards the bench. You knew you weren’t seriously injured — you’d just have a few bad bruises here and there — but your body hurt like a bitch from taking all of those shots. You were greeted with pats on the back from all your teammates on the bench as Hannah jumped back on in your place. You smiled softly as a response, focusing on the jumbotron to see the time left in the game.

One minute. If you could hold off Wisconsin for one minute, you would be a national champion. You watched anxiously as your teammates tried to clear the zone towards the now empty net of Wisconsin, but to no avail. Finally, Joy had managed to send it down the length of the ice, which forced a quick line change. You hopped on the ice with around 30 seconds left and made your way into the defensive zone yet again.

Since McNaughton was pulled, the Badgers had an extra attacker, which made it harder to defend your goal than usual. You weren’t going to give up that easily, however. The puck was passed back in forth between the six Badgers on the ice, each one of them waiting for the perfect shot. The clock wound down as the puck finally landed on Sophie Hegleson’s stick.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. You could hear nothing as you once again forced yourself to skate in front of her, knowing that this goal would change the trajectory of the game. Your teammates were counting on you, so you were going to give it your all. You braced yourself for impact as the puck hit your back, your body sacrificing itself for the win exactly as the buzzer went off.

The game was over. You were officially a national champion. The sounds of your teammates yelling filled your ears as you let your body collapse to the ice, both in pain and in shock. You took your helmet off to gather yourself as a small smile made its way across your face. You had done it.

Emma skated over to you and pulled you up off of the ice, and you both rushed over to join the dog pile of your teammates on top of Raygan. Although you couldn’t see him, Luke was smiling down at you, a look of immense pride present on his face. He fumbled with the buckeye necklace hanging around his neck as he couldn’t contain his excitement, knowing that you were a national champion.

After you all had settled down and received your medals (but not before shaking hands and congratulating Wisconsin on their tremendous effort), you were allowed to bring family members and friends onto the ice to take pictures. As Luke made his way onto the ice, you excitedly skated over to him, and his arms were wide open to catch you. You smiled widely, your eyes shining brightly, “I did it, Luke. I really did it.”

He cupped your face with his hands, nodding his head in agreement, “You did it, my love. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

You smiled brightly up at him again, your eyes swelling with tears. Luke pulled you into another hug, gently kissing the top of your head, “Go celebrate with your teammates. I’ll be right here waiting for you when you’re done.” He reassured, giving you a soft smile as he wiped away some stray tears that had fallen with the pads of his thumbs. You nodded, skating over and joining Joy. When you were finally given the trophy after she did, you hoisted it high up into the air, ready to show it off to the entire world.

After all, it’s always been Ohio against the world.

liked by lukevangelista, kentjohnson.13, and others

youruser: ohio against the world ❤️🩶

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ohiostatewhky: THAT’S OUR NATIONAL CHAMPION

lukevangelista: BUCK YEAH 🌰

lukevangelista: THAT’S MY GIRLFRIEND

maxmccuee: gross

lukevangelista: my girlfriend just won a national championship, what did yours do?

maxmccuee: go fuck yourself evangelista

youruser: hey now let’s stop arguing (and max i’m the only one who gets to do that with my boyfriend ☺️)

luca.fantilli: OH MY GOD

user1: y/n’s iconic lmfao

user2: LUCA 😭😭

quinnkuntz: yeah, we did that

matthewknies: how are your shins

youruser: i’m not sure you wanna know

matthewknies: fair enough have a good day

colemcward: buckeyes > badgers

_alexturcotte: cole that’s not nice

colemcward: truth hurts buddy, but keep your head up! i’m sure it’ll get better soon 😚

joyv_dunne: HELL YEAH

emmapeschel: always been ohio against the world!!!

kentjohnson.13: check the record books

youruser: hey kj you might want to focus on your 24-50 record first!

kentjohnson.13: it’s actually 24-38-12, thank you very much

youruser: so we’re actually the only team bringing honor to cbus rn, but if you keep it up maybe you can too!!

lhughes_06: HOLY SHIT

adamfantilli: unfortunately can’t argue with that so pipe down kj

kentjohnson.13: okay i’m sorry

user3: pls y/n is so funny 💀

user4: SHE’S DATING LUKE?!

youruser: …surprise?

lukevangelista: something about our friendship being firm idrk

user5: i wanna be y/n when i grow up

ncaaicehockey: honestly same

user6: ncaa what are you doing here 💀

_connorbedard: congrats!!!

alex.vlasic: connor’s big social media debut folks! be nice to him he’s a little shy

adamfantilli: CONNOR CAME OUT OF HIDING

_willsmith2: DID SOMEONE SAY CONNOR BEDARD

youruser: okay let’s take bets, if connor sees his shadow (these comments) it’s six more weeks of his social media hiatus, but if he doesn’t then we’re all blessed by his presence

youruser: (thanks connor)

nickmoldenhaur: six more weeks of winter for sure 😔

user7: i didn’t realize how funny y/n actually is she’s hilarious

brandtclarke55: nah i’m hopeful for an early spring

_connorbedard: you guys are mean

brandtclarke55: …soooo does that count as an early spring or no?

a/n; hope you all enjoy!!! i had fun with this one (also not sure why two of my imagines have revolved around ohio state but this was convenient hahaha), thanks so much for reading!!

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