#Jimmy: *flying over* yo joel

[finch-the-foolish]

Hi there I'm here with a Concept because whatever the hell that stream was has got me thinking thoughts.

Spoiler warning for Jimmy's stream today.

Anyway so in light of Jimmy making a deal with the fae and getting himself some wings (also Mr Old Sheriff calling him a pixie) I have decided why the hell not, I'm pixifying the sheriff. (pixifying as in turning into a pixie, not Pixifying as in turning into Pixlriffs (god that's a stupid joke)).

Sooo yeah. I'm thinking insect wings (initially thought about bird wings because Canary but ehhh kinda wanna mix it up!), and I kinda fell down an insect based rabbit hole because of it. I'm not entirely certain, but I do like the idea of giving him wings similar to that of a desert bee fly:

These cool little dudes! They aren't bees (but pretend to be them, and also kinda hijack their nests for their own eggs)

It's a cool wing pattern, they live in the desert, why the hell not. Also they buzz when they fly so that's neat.

With this headcannon, Jimmy didn't have Wing wings before, just elytra like the rest of those non-hybrid losers (laughs in avian). But yknow he asked for wings (and height, and respect) from the fae, and so now I made him a lil not-bee.

Also have other things relating to the whole "telling the fae he'll do anything for respect" but that's for another post. Don't have art just yet, but if someone would like to draw my silly western pixie, go right ahead :D

[alittlebirb]

Some silly swears from the MCC 23 Purple Pandas!

Phil dressing up as a cat boy in Minecraft and real life

FOR SOME REASON, Joel keeping the alerts where his character is doing unholy things onscreen every time something happens

Philza finding the dogs before the event starts in an attempt to beat Wilbur's record on dog pets

Joel being baffled at the floaty and snorkel on his skin and Gee assuring him it's fine if he can't swim, this is a judgement free zone!

Joel putting Jimmy on blast before his team for not using a mouse pad while playing

Philza then recounting how he used to use a cardboard folder for a mouse pad

"SG is either really good, or just terrible." -Joel, explaining the duality of life

Sapnap threatening them that if they go middle in SG, he will kill them, and Gumi telling them to say hi to their wife

"Which wife? Because I'm married as well..." -Joel, fellow wife haver

Lizzie putting in Joel's chat she's upset Gumi doesn't talk to her

"Say hi to your wives, that would be more polite." -Joel

Lizzie also showing up in the call in order to clarify she is not sad, she loves Gumi, and Joel apologizing for implying she was sad

"Keep 40 MCC participants in a cage without music and see what happens." -Pete, beginning to lose it

Gee and Joel discussing their deep knowledge of the Monsters Inc. universe

Joel naming his duck floaty 'Jeremy'

Phil agonizing over whether to send the meme <YOU ARE LIKE PAPA> in the chat for a solid minute

Gee talking about how she just starts shaking when the games start and Pete telling her "yeah that doesn't change"

Gee ghosting for her team after dying and saying "there's a little party if you wanna join!"

Gee calling her death "a tactic" you see, tactical

Joel skin swapping with Scar and Pete becoming Foolish

Phil analyzing the the angle of the blocks before AR starts and concluding it is possible to fly through a small gap in the map

Pete having an absolute blast playing this map with the new mechanics

Conversely, Pete having an absolute time of it with the moving walls

"Each lap that I did, I got caught on a moving wall." -Pete

Gee saying in the softest voice, "aww I love the turtle heads!"

Philza finding skips after they finish AR and everybody saying they'll have to watch his vod now

Pete throwing his chicken within the glass tube and then just staring at Phil

"Could you please move your head next time?" -Pete

The dome choosing GR anyway and Phil telling Pete it was intentional, it was to keep him on his toes!

"All in middle, nice and cozy!" -Gee

Joel trying to get the chest on top of the stone pyramid room and Pete just yelling "YO, RIGHT CLICK!"

Pete doing an amazing job of directing Gee in the sewer room

Gee having a breakdown about how the last room was "the worst thing in my entire life, this was meant to be my comeback!"

Gee agonizing over GR and Joel telling her "good vibes only!", and Pete reassuring "there's plenty of time to fall into the void in Sky Battle."

"We were doing so good at the start, and then we pooed the bed, so to speak." -Joel

Phil chugging a series of slushies for good luck, "specifically blue and red to make purple in my tummy."

"I like Big BuildMart." -Joel

Two people hitting their chickens inside the glass this time, and Phil getting subsequently ragged on for having a huge head

"I've only played Sky Battle once, and last time I made a shovel." -Gee

Pete and Joel popping off in SB, winning a round and getting to first place!

Pete falling into the void 5 seconds into the next round

"I'm gonna fill my sippy cup up during the break." -Joel

"This is what they mean when they say drink responsibly." -Pete

Philza being unable to pronounce Rocket Spleef Rush when telling the chat to vote for it, and Pete telling him "God, you're so good at convincing people."

Joel complaining he's tied with Dream on the leaderboard, but Dream is shown to be ahead because of "subscriber bias"

Pete taking them to one of his favorite PKT spots

Philza noticing all the CCTV cameras on the map for the first time

"I think Dream just set the record for the fastest hunt." -Joel, after Dream insta-kills their team

Phil trying to big brain predict the runner's path while hunting, preemptively jumping down, and realizing that the runner did NOT jump down and he is now far out of reach

Pete watching SB and Sneeg on the opposite team and just saying "Fellas, this one is a little tough!"

Phil admitting that the literal only reason he'd be sad to miss TGTTOS is because of Terra Swoop Force

Joel talking about how last time he played RSR, a block exploded under him and he got 40th place, and Pete stealing that and saying that's what happened to him in SB

"Man, these blocks just explode by themselves these days..." -Phil

Phil winning the second RSR round by just flying off into the distance while Jojo tries to shoot him

"My planet needs me." -Phil

Everyone's jaws dropping at False just ending Dream's whole career in the last round of RSR

"MCC really does humble me, you know." -Gee

Gee saying Sylvee is still Top 10 in her heart <3

Phil poorly acting disappointed at TGTTOS being played instead of BM, and then giving up and just clapping his hands excitedly

"We go zoomies with the block placement, we go *a series of littol sounds*" -Phil

Pete going on a rant through gritted teeth about how annoying it is for someone to place a block inside his block

Joel and Phil dying at the same time in shallow lava and and screaming "NO!" at the same time

"Sorry Kara." -Joel

"Are you really sorry, though?" -Gee

"No, not really." -Joel

Phil, for some reason, doing a mini scene on the toilet of a catboy going to the bathroom while waiting for the decision dome

Phil looking at all of the melted ice on the floor in MD and asking who's gonna clean that

"C'mon Scar, hawkeye him!" -Joel

Everyone rioting at the Captain getting 3rd

Joel calling Martyn "the longest loser since Captain Sparklez."

Gee saying she'll have nightmares over the orange block in GR, and Phil saying it's FINE, inflation means it's worth pennies now!

Pete bringing them to his special perspective spot for DB

Wilbur and Phil warring over which team they're supporting

Phil telling Wilbur <You are such a big brother it's painful>

Zeuz winning a 1v3 and Pete just saying because it had to be said, "that was- kinda hot when he did that- just saying-"

Joel agreeing to give a massive "FUCK YES!" if Orange wins

"FUCK YES!" -Joel

Marty becoming the Covid King

Purple Pandas finished MCC 23 in 4th place!

[frombeyondtheblackhole]

Bad Omen

So, @he1ian’s 100 hours totem Grian gave me brain rot and that somehow evolved into me writing a fic where Jimmy is an evoker, Grian is a totem, and Joel is a vex. Yes I know Scar is usually depicted as a vex but Scar wasn’t in that episode. Besides, Joel as a flying spirit of chaos and death is very fitting.

—

“No, no, no no!” Jimmy muttered to himself, his voice rising with frustration as he flipped through the pages of an old tome before throwing it across the room. It hit the wall with a fluttering of pages and landed on the ground with a thud. He stared at it and ran his fingers through his hair, a streak of lapis blue transferring from his hands.

“Great job, throwing it is definitely going to fix all of your problems,” Joel chirped as his spectral form hovered over the table. The table was littered with books, loose paper with messy scrawled notes and diagrams stained with blue powder, flask’s of potions and ingredients organized in a wooden box with little compartments, and candles flickering shadows around the dimly lit library.

Jimmy scowled at Joel and made an exasperated little huff sound.

“I know, let's throw the chair next,” Joel laughed. Jimmy wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic anymore.

“No! No, no. Don’t- don’t do that.” Jimmy protested.

Joel laughed again but he hadn’t moved from where he was hovering in a relaxed position over the table.

“Hey Tim!” Grian poked his head through the door to the library, his totem gold skin and gemstone green eyes glittering in the candlelight.

Jimmy looked up with a warry question on his face. “What- what is it bossman?” When Grian was involved there was a fifty percent chance it was more chaos.

“There’s a guy on the roof.”

Jimmy blinked “What?... what do you mean?”

Grian came in and grabbed Jimmy’s hand and led him out of the library down the long halls and up the stairs, past other illagers going about their business, Joel followed flying figure-eights around their heads as they went.

They came into the large meeting room on the third floor with the dark oak map table and sturdy carved chairs. Grian led him over to the large windows. There on the roof staring at the sunrise was a man in blue robes, with a red and yellow border trim pattern, and a llama on a lead next to him.

The llama glared at Jimmy through the glass and the hairs on his neck rose. He wanted to punt the thing off the roof. Why did it have to look at him like that, with such disdain. Jimmy unlatched the window and pushed it open with a grunt. “Hey, yo! What do you think you’re doing on our roof?” he said, climbing through the window.

The man turned around, when he saw Jimmy his scarred face lit up in a grin and his green eyes sparkled. “Ah, customers! Wonderful.”

“What?” Jimmy spluttered, blinking rapidly.

“It is always a pleasure to meet potential clientele. Oh where are my manners, Welcome to scars Wandering Wonders. Where I, Scar, bring the wonders of the world to you.” He said with a crooked grin and a flourishing bow.

“What? No. You can’t be here. If they see you-”

“Oh’ it’s fine,” Scar interrupted. “I’m not exactly sure how I got up here. Teleportation is tricky like that but they won’t find me. I got these.” He opened his robe to show several flasks of invis potions in little pockets on the inside. “... by the way… who are they?”

Jimmy sucked a breath in through his nose, “You know I’m technically one of them right… I- I’m supposed to push you off the roof or something,”

Scars eyes went wide and he quickly shuffled away from the edge of the roof while trying to maintain his composure, “Oh, but you wouldn’t do that would you? You wouldn’t, I’ve got all these deals, you- you wouldn’t want to miss out on all these wonderful deals now would you?” he stammered.

Jimmy felt torn, he didn’t really want to get rid of him, but if he let him go the others would find him anyway…

Grian and Joel had climbed through the window, Grian inched closer to the llama with his hand held out to try and pet it while the llama glared at them. Joel hovered above it and glared back “Who are you looking at?” The llama looked Joel in the eyes and made a spitting sound in its throat. Joel was practically vibrating with furry. A sword appeared in Joel’s hand and he kicked the llama off the roof.

“Pizza! no!” Scar cried, running to the edge of the roof and looking down. Pizza was gone.

“Oops,” Grian muttered.

“Joel!” Jimmy started.

“It looked at me funny.” Joel shrugged.

Scar slowly looked back up at the others, alarm on his face. They stared at each other, then Scar reached into his cloak and downed an invis potion.

“Wait, no, no! Don’t-” Jimmy protested, lunging forwards to grab him but his arms reached through empty air.

“Where did he go?” Joel said, looking around.

“The Window!” Grian chimed in. Jimmy looked up in time to see invis particles by the widow. They all rushed to the window and climbed inside. Looking around frantically for more particles. Nothing. He ran out into the hall and scrambled to a halt. Another evoker looked up from the book they were reading a question in their eyes, their own totem standing by their elbow.

“Good morning Jimmy… you seem to be in a rush.”

“Ah- ah, yeah, you know, got a lot to do and all. Very busy you know. Just… see ya-” Jimmy stammered, cutting himself off as he rushed past and into the first vacant room he came across, a broom closet, closing the door behind him and bracing it shut with a barrel.

Grian took the lantern from the wall and lit it, the light slowly growing, illuminating his golden features from underneath giving him an ominous appearance.

“This is bad, this is bad, this is very bad. What do we do, he could be anywhere,” Jimmy said

Grian shrugged.

We don’t do anything.” Joel floated through the wall hovering over their heads as if he was lounging lengthwise on an invisible couch.

“We can’t just let him wander around the mansion, someone is going to find him,” Jimmy hissed.

Joel laughed “So? Why do we care?”

“I- I- I don’t know, I don’t like the idea of more people dying, it’s not his fault, we need to do something, I-”

“Then we’ll look for him,” Grian said.

Jimmy faltered and stared at Grian.

“You just keep doing what you're supposed to be doing and Me Joel and your other vexes will look for Scar.”

Jimmy let out a sigh of relief, of course, Grian and Joel could be annoying but they had his back, they always did.

[scribbling-dragon]

uhh, my current list of everyone's origins and their abilities on the Afterlife SMP:

Scott

Origin(s):

Mothling (current)

Description:

A mothling is a winged moth-like creature that originally evolved in the taiga biome before adapting and spreading to the rest of the overworld.

Abilities:

- Flight - you can fly using a mix of gliding and wing propulsion

- Lantern Light - when nearby a lantern you get regeneration

Weaknesses:

- Moth-Like Body - you’re smaller and have less hearts

- Weakening Light - When nearby a soul lantern you get mining fatigue

- Armour Weight - armour weighs you down. At most you can only wear a mix of iron and chainmail

- Moth Diet - you can only eat leather and rabbit hide

--- ---

Jimmy

Origin(s):

Thornling (current)

Description:

You're a small arcane creature, protected by a strange magical spell. You don't know where you came from, you just know you exist.

Abilities:

- Piercing Thorns - you're protected by a strange magical aura. When hit, the attacker will get damaged by one heart, this cannot be blocked by any type of armour or shield. You can toggle this ability with your primary key. You're also immune to thorn-based damage.

- Empowered - while wearing a full set of armour with Thorns III, you receive 40% less damage.

Weaknesses:

- Magical Conductor - your body needs magic to live! Wearing any type of armour that isn't gold will slowly wither you away. Since gold armour is very weak, you've come up with a solution. By using gold blocks instead of gold ingots, you can make a reinforced golden armour piece

- Dwarf - you're about 1.4 blocks tall (4’5”).

- Punching Bag - being hit so many times has weakened you a lot. You have three less hearts and deal 40% less damage.

- Curse of Decay - wearing, holding or being hit by anything with a curse enchantment will affect you with Wither II for three seconds

--- ---

Lizzie

Origin(s):

Raccoon (current)

Description:

You like tight spaces, trash, and eating anything including said trash

Abilities:

- Opportunistic Eater - raccoons will eat whatever is most convenient, including rotten flesh. You get more saturation than normal from rotten flesh and have immunity to hunger

- Tapetum Lucidum - raccoons have increased vision in the dark from their fur mask

- Scurrying - because of being a scurrying trash panda, using the primary ability key the user gets speed II for ten seconds. When using this ability the user gets weakness for two minutes. Cooldown: 1 minute

- Sly Cooper - raccoons’ dark fur give them natural camouflage. Using the secondary ability key to go invisible for five seconds, but you get poison and weakness for thirty seconds

- Climbing - raccoons' hands allow them to climb.

Weaknesses:

- Burrower - being used to small spaces, you are uncomfortable in places with high ceilings and get slowness and weakness when in places higher than two blocks

- Nocturnal - as a nocturnal creature you cannot sleep. However, you can still set your spawn in beds

- Weasel - the user is shorter than humans but taller than inchlings, have three less hearts, and take reduced fall damage

--- ---

Joel

Origin(s):

Blazeborn (current)

Description:

Late descendants of the Blaze, the Blazeborn are naturally immune to the perils of the Nether.

Abilities:

- Fire Immunity - you are immune to all types of fire damage.

- Burning Wrath - When on fire, you deal additional damage with your attacks.

- Hotblooded - Due to your hot body, venom burns up, making you immune to poison and hunger status effects.

Weaknesses:

- Nether Inhabitant - Your natural spawn will be in the Nether.

- Hydrophobia - You receive damage over time while in contact with water.

--- ---

Joey

Origin(s):

Shulk (current)

Description:

Related to Shulkers, the bodies of the Shulk are outfitted with a protective shell-like skin

Abilities:

- Hoarder - you have access to an additional nine slots of inventory, which keep the items on death.

- Sturdy Skin - even without wearing armour, your skin provides natural protection.

- Strong Arms - you are strong enough to break natural stones without using a pickaxe.

Weaknesses:

- Unwieldy - the way your hands are formed provide no way of holding a shield upright

- Large Appetite - you exhaust quicker than others, thus requiring you to eat more

--- ---

Shubble

Origin(s):

Shadow Walker

Description:

You were once human until you were trapped in an empty, void-like dimension, eventually adapting to it over hundreds of years.

Abilities:

- Shadow Warp - you become a shadow, allowing you to instantly move 15 blocks in front of you

- No Exhaustion - you do not need to eat food, as after hundreds of years your body has become adept at conserving energy

- Shadow Boost - when in dark spaces you receive a boost to most stats and can see more clearly

- Shadowy Form - you are darker and more transparent than most entities

Weaknesses:

- Light Weakness - when it’s day you receive debuffs as you cannot merge with the shadows around you

- Blinding Lights - when exposed to light, you temporarily lose your sight. You can recover by hiding in dark spaces!

--- ---

Katherine

Origin(s):

Floran

Description:

A species of plant people that obtain their nutrients from the sun and gain strength from water.

Abilities:

- Green Thumb - using sneak on a fertilizable block will grow plants at the cost of some food

- Photosynthesis - you are satiated by being exposed to sunlight.

- Absorbing - you deal two more damage when wet.

Weaknesses:

- Flammable - you take twice as much damage from fire

- Nectarivore - you can only consume honey bottles

--- ---

Sausage

Origin(s):

Angel/Elytrian

Description:

Often flying around in the winds, Elytrians are uncomfortable when they don't have enough space above their head.

Abilities:

- Winged - You have Elytra wings without needing to equip any.

- Gift of the Winds - Every 60 seconds, you are able to launch about 20 blocks into the air.

- Aerial Combatant - You deal substantially more damage while in the air.

Weaknesses:

- Need for Mobility - You can not wear any heavy armour (armour with protection values higher than chainmail).

- Claustrophobia - Being somewhere with a low ceiling for too long will weaken you and make you slower.

- Brittle Bones - You take more damage from falling and flying into blocks.

--- ---

fWhip

Origin(s):

Illusioner

Description:

Magic!

Abilities:

- Star Finger - blind your enemies

- Bow Master - bows deal more damage!

- Friendly Foes - pillagers, who are usually foes, are now friendly to you. You are one of them.

- Phantom Form - you can switch between human and phantom form at will, but only while you are saturated enough to sprint.

- Invisibility - while phantomized, you are invisible

Weaknesses:

- Unpopular - iron golems will attack you on sight, and villages will have significantly higher prices when traded with.

--- ---

Lauren

Origin(s):

Avian (current)

Description:

The Avian race has lost their ability to fly a long time ago. Now these peaceful creatures can be seen gliding from one place to another.

Abilities:

- Featherweight - You fall as gently to the ground as a feather would, unless you sneak.

- Tailwind - You are a little bit quicker on foot than others.

- Oviparous - Whenever you wake up in the morning, you will lay an egg.

Weaknesses:

- Fresh Air - When sleeping, your bed needs to be at an altitude of at least 86 blocks, so you can breathe fresh air.

- Vegetarian - You can't digest any meat.

--- ---

Seapeekay

Origin(s):

Giant

Description:

The Giants are an ancient race, becoming quite a rare sight in modern times. Their history remains unknown with few left to keep it alive.

Abilities:

- Super Sized - you're twice as big as normal

Huge Heart - you have twice as much health

- Gargantuan Strength - you deal 33% more damage and 50% more knockback

- Long Limbs - you have twice the normal jump height and 33% more reach

- Extremely Sturdy - you take 50% less fall damage, 33% less knockback, mine 50% faster and you don't slip on ice.

- Giant Heritage - leather armour gives you as much protection as iron armour

- Oversized Lungs - you have twice as much oxygen

- Colossal Slam - you can slam into the ground creating a small explosion

- Piggyback - other non-giants can ride on top of you, and are thrown off when slamming

Weaknesses:

- Massive Stomach - your hunger drains 50% faster

- Unwieldy Arms - you attack 33% slower than most

- Excessive Power - bows and crossbows break on use

- Cumbersome - your size leaves you unaffected by levitation, but incapable of using an elytra or riptide trident.

- Heavy - you fall 50% faster than normal, can't float in water, and can't ride any animals or vehicles

- Arachnophobe - you take triple damage from any mobs that are affected by Bane of Arthropods.

- Gigantic Bed - your immense size limits you to needing to sleep on four beds put together

--- ---

Mika

Origin(s):

Candy (current)

[currently no other information]

--- ---

Strawburry

Origin(s):

Truffle/Mushroom

Description

Truffles, along with normal properties of mushrooms, have the unique ability to adapt to situations on the fly.

Abilities:

- Magic Spores - you can switch between different magic spores. Red Cap boosts offence, Green Cap boosts defence, and Blue Cap boosts mobility. Changing spores will decrease the abilities of the other two Caps

- Infestation - using sneak on a soil block with an empty hand will turn it into mycelium at the cost of some food.

- Rooted - you gain buffs based on the Spore you have active when standing on mycelium. Red Cap increases speed, Green Cap grants knockback immunity, and Blue Cap amplifies jump height

Weaknesses

- Decomposition - food is decomposed before it is consumed, nullifying any status effects you would otherwise gain.

--- ---

Oli

Origin(s):

Enderian

Description:

Born as children of the Ender Dragon, Enderians are capable of teleporting but are vulnerable to water.

Abilities:

- Teleportation - Whenever you want, you may throw an ender pearl which deals no damage, allowing you to teleport.

- Slender Body - You can reach blocks and entities further away.

Weaknesses:

- Hydrophobia - You receive damage over time while in contact with water.

- Scared of Gourds - You are scared of pumpkins, for a good reason.

[neoraven]

NWA TNA Episode 1, June 19th 2002

17 years ago NWA TNA started the weekly PPV experiment. I went to every single one. Now I'm going to watch them for the first time since I was there.

(this review brought courtesy of Toby Keith and the red white and blue)

In 2002, I was a teenager set adrift by 9/11 and the alienation from starting high school. For better or worse, every week I started going to National Wrestling Alliance - Total Nonstop Action shows on Wednesday night. I loved WCW and was bitter about the botched invasion going on, and here was a new WCW in my backyard.  It looks like there were 111 weekly PPVs, I'm not sure exactly how many taped ones / clip shows ended up happening, but I never missed one for injury, illness, or even vacation for the better part of two years. It was basically my ECW, for someone who was too young to follow ECW when it first aired.

I'm not really sure what the format of these is going to be. It's kind of a recap + live blog + review,  I'll give matches the standard 0-5 star ratings with 1/4*'s possible, so it's really a 20 point scale. I'm going to hopefully figure out a better way to get screen captures going forward. Also, these first couple were taped in Alabama, not at the TNA Asylum in Nashville. Hopefully if my memory holds up, I'll be able to give some live notes and memories from being there for some of these. I have an old hard drive of pictures taken that I hope I can recover. I won the "Best Fan of the Night" and "Best Sign" contests a couple times to get to go backstage, and I also generally hung out before the shows and after the shows to talk to the wrestlers coming and going like a groupie. Later on, I was even on the TNA "Street Team" helping to market TNA and hand out flyers/ads during Smackdown tapings.  I was also the moderator for the brief TNA Online Message Board, which I truly wish I had screencaps/archives somehow of all the…wildness there.

NWA TNA #1 June 19th 2002

Don West is the first person out of the gate, introducing Ed Ferrara after pyro and a brief introduction. Ed's all about TNA and introducing the girls dancing in cage as some sleazy music plays. Appropriately, he throws it to Mike Tenay, all business at ringside. TNA chants kick us off. Don West's hawaiian shirt is a thing of legend, and it's distracting me from Tenay's long explanation of the "Gauntlet For The Gold".

Jeremy Borash eventually is in ring announcing a parade of legends. Harley Race, Dory Funk, Jr, Jackie Fargo, Bullet Bob Armstrong, Corsica Joe & Sarah Lee, Bill Behrens, Ricky Steamboat. "All Our Base Are Belong To Us" shirt spotted in the stands. The Dragon compares the belt to every major championship in pro sports, the Stanley Cup, etc. He will special referee the finals of the match, and that brings out the one and only - Jeff Jarrett. His TNA theme "My World" is a lowkey banger that nevertheless completely haunted my life for 2 years. His big mouth earns him the first spot in the match. Ken Shamrock is here after that, and he joins Jarrett in burying the Battle Royal match. Finally, Scott Hall saunters through the crowd in a strip club(!!!) t-shirt as his awesome theme "Marvelous Me" plays. To round up, Ken Shamrock's theme wasn't great. "Hey Yo" sign spotted.

Goldylocks is backstage with Total Nonstop Action and the original midget killer "Puppet the Psycho Dwarf". Oh no. He's gonna spill some midget blood. Jeff Jarrett angrily kicks over a tiny music stand in the background hilariously. Then we go to the girls in cages and honest to goodness our first wrestling match -

6 Man Tag Team X Division Showcase AJ Styles, Low Ki, and Jerry Lynn vs The Flying Elvii (Sonny Siaki, Jimmy Yang, and Jorge Estrada)

An X Division showcase awaits. The legends surround a tiny monitor backstage. The generic faces' intro music is bland. The flying Elvii have a nice little knockoff theme at least. Siaki has Big The Rock Energy while the other two mug. The Elvii refuse handshakes and all hell breaks loose. Triple dropkicks and flying splashes to the outside. Styles reverses a back suplex into a phenomenal forearm, and I'm not going to attempt to catch every move. As an aside - Total Nonstop Action has taken a full 18 minutes on air before someone punched someone. Siaki and LowKi is a pretty appealing matchup. The former does a crisp Samoan Drop. Styles and Yang get in and have a very crisp, quick flurry of moves together. Jerry Lynn crushes a cradle Piledriver, and Siaki runs in and hits his neckbreaker finisher. LowKi accidentally brains AJ, and Yang capitalizes with the Yang Time for the pin. Considering who went on to hold the X Title, this is an odd result, but commentary was generally putting over how the mismatched team was going to compete in the X Title Round Robin coming up.

The Flying Elvii in 7 minutes, Yang Time pins AJ Styles **3/4

Midget Showcase Teo vs Hollywood

Hollywood starts it before the bell. From the promo, I thought this was a triple threat with Puppet. Hollywood kicks out of the "Tadpole Splash" from the top rope. Ed Ferrara says in response to Teo's claims to be a ladies' man - "He's the right height". Teo finishes Hollywood with an ugly swanton.

Teo in 3 minutes, Swanton?, 1/2*

Now West and Ferrara are in the ring hyping the Lingerie Battle Royal next week. The New Francine, Miss Joanie, Shannon (Daffney?), Alexis Laree (Mickie James!), The Incredible Sasha, Erin (Baltimore Cheerleader?), Elektra from ECW, Miss Taylor Vaughn, Darisa Da?? I didn't catch her name as Ed starts rambling about a kid in a candy store. Maybe I'll catch all the names if they're introduced with title cards next week. Francine grabs a mic and calls Ed "pudgy" and says none of the women compare to her. Elektra stands up to Francine and starts a catfight.

Goldylocks is in the back with Mortimer Plumtree. His character peaks with his name. He manages a tag team that bullied him in high school for reasons that are never explained. He leaves to walk "The Johnsons", Richard and Rod, to the ring.

Tag Team Match The Johnsons w/ Mortimer Plumtree vs Psychosis and James Storm

The latter is an odd pairing for a few reasons. I honestly didn't remember James Storm started off without Chris Harris and America' Most Wanted. He even has the prop guns firing blanks in the ring, which was always a nice touch. I feel like this is where I mention that the Johnsons are in full body suits and masks that make them look like walking penises. In other news, Psychosis is going without his trademark horned mask. Alicia from WCW is on the stage scouting the match. There's a fella in an XFL jersey in the stands. What year is it? "Buff your(sic) still the stuff" sign spotted. Ferrara "These Johnsons just look good". They hit simultaneous clutching suplexes to take control of the good guys, but Mortimer interferes to let one of the Johnsons hit their finisher on Cowboy. Post match, the ref pays off the lady watching the action.

The Johnsons in 4 minutes, Samoan Drop into Neckbreaker, *

Stan and Bo Dupp harass Goldylocks in the back until they run into the brothers' shared girlfriend in a quick nothing segment.

Borash introduces 1993 Rookie of the Year and Winston (yes, cigarettes) Cup Points Leader Sterling Martin. K-Krush is out to save us from the race car drivers. He's getting booed, but this would be a face promo anywhere other than Huntsville Alabama. K Krush "Damn you, and Damn Alabama" Brian Lawler is out to save the NASCAR dopes from the angry black man. He cuts an angry promo about "your kind" while the crowd howls in racist jeer. It's a pretty ugly segment considering "Grandmaster Sexay" Lawler is still clad in his Too Cool black rapper cosplay outfit.

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is choking Jackie Fargo.

Tag Team Match Christian York & Joey Matthews vs The Dupps w/ Fluff Dupp

For better or worse, now I know their girlfriend/cousin's name now. After the crowd roared for the pasty white NASCAR duo, commentary is really going in on how these two wrestlers are completely fucking stupid and southern. The Dupps' intro is very boring twangy banjo crap, and they're not much better in the ring. Matthews hits a move called the Virginia Necktie that looks pretty nice. I think the non-Dupp team is working face, but it's hard to tell who the crowd is popping for. The Dupps win with some cheating and Fluff interference.

The Dupps in 4 minutes, Crotch shot, 1/2*

Before the Gauntlet For The Gold, we get a Toby Keith music video. He is singing "Angry American". Jeff Jarrett walks out and pushes Toby Keith off his little stupid stool and the crowd goes wild and honestly, I screamed in joy and Jeff Jarrett turned face for my money when he says "Nobody wants to hear that damn song, and take your Angry American Ass OUTTA HERE".

The Gauntlet For The Gold 20 Man Battle Royal for the NWA Heavyweight Championship Of The World

Buff Bagwell runs down for number 2 and the bell rings. Maybe it was for the main event finally starting but honestly the crowd goes pretty wild for Buff Bagwell laying hands on Double J. Buff hits a couple signature moves, but gets tossed before the next entrant. Ragin' Cajun Lash Laroux Is 3. He falls victim to The Stroke and is eliminated fast. "Somebody pissed in Jeff's Cheerio-s this morning!" Here comes Screamin' Norman Smiley at 4. The second largest pop of the night so far comes for the Big Wiggle. Jarrett tosses him anyways. Apolo comes down at 5, getting more offense than the previous entrants combined. K-Krush is 6. His signature axe kick gets tremendous boos, they hate him. Slash w/ James Mitchell is 7. Del Rios is 8. He is some kind of bodybuilder and it shows. Slash bites his way out of a belly to belly suplex as the announcers stress everything is legal. Justice is 9, I think this Is the future Abyss, but I can't swear to it. He hits a Black Hole Slam and now I'm 99% sure. Konnan is 10, yelling "Arriba La Raza" on his way to the ring. Abyss sells Konnan's facebuster a la HBK vs Hogan and I love it. 11 brings out Joel Gertner "I'm gonna be with 5 girls in Huntsville because I don't settle for less" He gives an X-rated introduction for the man they call Bruce of the Rainbow Express, led out by Lenny Lane. I'm not gonna bother listing all of the homophobic euphemisms the announce team runs through explaining who the Rainbow Express are. Rick Steiner is 12. He dumps Slash and Abyss with a couple impressive shows of strength. Malice is 13, dealing out chokeslams. Bruce, K-Krush, Del Rios,  Konnan, and Steiner go out quickly thereafter. Scott Hall is 14. Toby Keith? is 15. He suplexes and tosses Jarrett. Not that anyone cares, but Toby Keith leaves through the middle rope to chase Jarrett and is never officially eliminated. 16 brings Wildcat Chris Harris. Vampire Warrior, former Gangrel, runs down seemingly early as an entrant with no music? The on screen countdown timer disappeared during the Toby Keith situation. Dangerous Devin Storm, aka Crowbar, is probably 18. Steve Corino comes in at 19, the only former NWA Champ. Ken Shamrock is out at 20. "Hall was framed" sign spotted. Brian Christopher/Lawler is number 20 and I realize now that Toby Keith was not an official entrant. Brian clears out Chris Harris, Vampire Warrior, and Crowbar mostly by holding the top rope down when they ran by. He dumps Corino shortly after. Christopher and Apolo get dumped by Malice next. Then the cameraman somehow misses Malice back body dropping Scott Hall over the top, leaving Malice vs Ken Shamrock to go to a  pinfall or submission.

Malice vs Ken Shamrock, Special Referee Ricky The Dragon Steamboat

Malice gets some advice from Father James Mitchell at ringside.  After going back and forth, Shamrock gets an awesome cross arm breaker reversal of a choke slam. After a long tease of tapping, he gets the rope, maybe with James Mitchell pushing it a little toward his client. A big boot leads into the Ankle Lock and Shamrock refuses to break it on the ropes, after even a 7 count, leading to heated words with Steamboat. Shamrock wins with a Belly to Belly to a big pop despite his heel tactics. Cue pyro, and hoisting the tiny gold belt.

Ken Shamrock wins a 5 minute match following a 33 minute battle royal, Belly to Belly. **

The match was a little too long, even with Jarrett speeding up the beginning by tossing the opening entrants as fast as possible. Speaking of Double J, he fights with legends and security backstage before emerging with a microphone. He punches the legends after moaning about the battle royal until Toby Keith and Jackie Fargo come back out to book Scott Hall vs Jeff Jarrett next week, the show ends with them brawling up the ramp.

That wraps up episode 1! They have some marquee singles matches next week in addition to crowning the first X Division champ, I'll see you then to wrap up the two first Alabama shows before settling into The Asylum.