#JarPad envy

[sam-is-my-safe-word]

So here’s the thing with exercise. Anything is better than nothing is a great thought. Lovely idea. In Theory.

I exist in pjs. Unless I have A Place To Be, I am in pjs. Ratty pjs, fancy pjs, gender affirming pjs. All the pjs. I don’t wear any kind of bra (unless I’m feeling extra dysphoric and need to try & flatten everything down)

Now, I have tried various forms of in home exercise. DVDs (dating myself there lol), YouTube vids, 30 day exercise plans, elliptical machine (in the shed), treadmill (under the couch), yoga stretches, Wii fit, ring fit (Nintendo stop stealing my money). All with the theory that I don’t have to get dressed to exercise.

But I do y’all. I got thick thighs & a chest. My pjs be comfy, but they are not supportive or protective in the ways I need if I’m gonna be jumping around.

Which leads me back to my original point. Going for a walk. The easiest form of exercise there is. But it’s not just ‘going for a walk’

I have to get dressed. I have to put on people clothes. I have to put on some kind of bra. And shoes. As someone with chronic depression, that’s a LOT of steps before I’ve even started to do the Task.

Then there is timing. I work 8 hours a day. Do I go before work & have to get up early? Do I go after work when I’m already exhausted? Do I use my lunch & eat at my desk (I work from home)? In the winter it’s dark when I start work & dark when I finish, I have my safety to consider then.

And then afterwards, im hot, im sweaty, im yucky. I need to shower. (Yes even with just a gentle walk. Ya mortal is… rotund 😉). And if you know me, you know how much of a fuckin’ ordeal showers are. Maybe I’ll make a post soon about how human skin is badly designed & we should all have lizard skin.

So just a lil walk, with the idea that ‘something is better than nothing’ has turned into a multistage process & I’m tired just thinking about it tbh.

I am fully aware of the mental & physically benefits that doing a lil steppy step bring me. Those times when I have managed to get into a routine of going for a lil walk, I’ve felt much better.

But the energy to sustain the momentum is often more than I have. So I slack off, because I’m just so damn tired. And then eventually I just stop completely. And then boom, I’m back to square one telling myself that this time, I’ll make it stick.

And another thing.

That no one ever seems to talk about. Exercise is free right? Wrong.

Walking is free (money wise I mean, we just discussed all the ways it win not free) but what if you don’t live in a place that is conducive to walking? Maybe it’s unsafe? Maybe like me, you live in the basin of a lot of hills & every direction is up-fucking-hill, my god, who designed this place, Satan?

So even if I can drag my brain, kicking & screaming into the outside & force my body to move. I’m limited in where I can even go, because those hills will leave me with a broken body for days as it tries to heal from being pushed too far.

In the comments/reblogs of this post I saw one that said ‘if you hate exercise, you just haven’t found the right type of exercise’

And I’m sure that’s true. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to make my body move that I would love. Exactly none of them are accessible to me.

- I don’t drive. So I’m limited by what is in walking distance (nothing) or what is within public transport distance

- tied into that, I’m broke. I have a family to support and I’m breadwinner. Swimming/rock climbing/tennis/martial arts/whatever fucking else people do. It all costs money. Money to sign up for classes or sessions, money for equipment, money to get there (by bus or just putting gas in your car). It all. Fucking. Costs. And I don’t have that extra cash. My kids need shit.

- time, as discussed. I work 8 hours a day (and I’m quite fond of seeing my family when I’m off the clock) so where am I fitting in this ‘right’ exercise?

I’m my own worst critic and my friends know I’m an absolute swine for comparing myself to JarPad & being like ‘he has mental health issues & he can do all these things, why do I suck so fuckin’ hard’

And when my brain is bad, it can beat me with that line for data & days & days. But when it’s good I can acknowledge that he has access to so many more resources than I do. First and foremost, that he is financially secure. Everything else can build from that foundation.

I don’t have that foundation. Like millions & millions of millennials & other generations, I’m a couple of missed pay cheques away from the streets. I live in a country that has a good social welfare system & I wouldn’t be on the streets. But I would dip from just treading water above the poverty line to sinking under it.

And that’s what I don’t think gets talked about enough. I love the idea that we’re supporting each other into doing a little bit, cos it’s better than nothing. Let’s keep doing that.

But I cannot be the only person that sees not just the link between poverty and & weight gain, but the barrier between poverty and weight loss/fitness (not everyone exercises to lose weight.)

So after writing all this out, I feel like I vomited up a bunch of excuses for why I’m a fat fuck & my brain has gotten the ‘if you just fucking put some effort in, you could be in shape like JarPad (yes, he is my trans body goals. I’ll have to grow about 8 inches of course, but still. Totally achievable lol)’ beating stick out.

But I cannot be the only person on this website that feels trapped by lack of accessibility to these things? We’re not lazy or unmotivated, or looking for excuses. The ability to exercise and keep fit is not as accessible as it appears.

Now. I gotta go & talk my brain down. Brush your teeth. Even 30 seconds is better than nothing at all. Love y’all

It's a lot healthier to go for a daily walk than to sign up for a gym membership you won't be using because you hate that kind of exercise. It's a lot healthier to eat a frozen meal than to skip a meal because you were too tired to cook something healthy. It's a lot healthier to take a quick shower than to procrastinate an elaborate routine for days. Don't aim so high that you won't be hitting anything!

[treacherousrift]

Love seeing old Jarpad fits cuz it’s either really baggy jeans and a nice jacket. Or he’s wearing a slutty polo shirt with some sandals and his dogs are out for a premier of a movie. He dressed himself and I eat it up

[hotgirlsummersam]

For Jarpad's birthday, here are just a few pictures of him as a wee baby that make me want to eat him:

Happy birthday, sweet cinnamon roll. 🎂

[saintgirlchild]

[mamaredd123]

A Taste of Something … New Ch 2

A/N: Ok, so I know a lot of writers out there usually plan out their stories, outlines, plot themes, etc, etc, etc, which is probably what makes them so successful. I, on the other hand, can’t do that. I have tried a hundred times and when I do that, I usually lose my story. When I write, I just sit down and write. What comes, comes. So, as we move forth, don’t hate me. Just bare with me. I have the next 3 chapter already done. I am in the process of writing during the week and then editing on Monday and Tuesday so I can post on Wednesday for the few of you who are following this story. Just want to let you know. 

WARNING: maybe a slight spousal intimidation... if you spot anything else please let me know and I’ll tag them though

WORD COUNT:  1613

PAIRING: none yet… the best is yet to come

A Taste of Something … New Ch 1

Mama's Master List

Mama’s Tag List

It had been a couple of weeks since the night she had ordered her tickets to the Comic Con. Surprisingly, he still had not said anything to her. To be honest, this actually had her a little uneasy. She knew how he monitored their money, always keeping an eye on things, making sure the bills were paid and such. She had spent almost three grand on tickets and extras! And nothing from him!

Maybe that was why she was so apprehensive about tonight. He had come home three nights ago early for a change, early enough to actually eat a hot dinner with her. During their meal, he suggested that they go out for a change. He told her he had taken off work already so there wouldn’t be a chance that things would get in the way. At first, she was super excited, a confirmed date night! It had been absolutely forever since that had happened, but now that the night was here and she was thinking about things, excited was not exactly what she was anymore.

Still, she dressed, touched up her makeup, put a smile on her face, and walked down the hall to join him. There wasn’t much conversation as they got in the truck and drove to the restaurant but after this many years together, that was almost to be expected. Walking into the restaurant, he guided her, with a skilled perfection that was he had acquired from years of practice, to their table. Graciously, he pulled her chair out for her and allowed her to sit. She thanked him and smiled, reminiscing back on old times when she used to marvel that men still did such things. The waiter handed them their menus and asked for their drink requests. He ordered for them both, already knowing her favorite.

As soon as the waiter turned and left, he set the menu aside and looked at her. The look in his eyes almost chilled her soul. Every single good feeling she had for the night disappeared in an instant. The money! She realized that she had been right. This was exactly what this night was all about. It had nothing to do with her or them. It was in a public place so she could not make a scene. It was pubic and he drove, so she could not just up and leave. He had done it again.

“So, I see there was a sizable debit from out joint savings the other day. Want to tell me about that?” he asked casually.

“Baby, don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad. I just want to know what you did.”

“I don’t know how to explain this without you really getting mad or defensive.”

“Then just explain,” he said in that particular tone of voice.

“You know as well as I do, most of that money in that account, I put there. It’s money that you give me. But I never buy anything. Unless it’s something for the kids and then usually you usually make me take the money for them out of the checking account.”

Thankfully, the waiter returned with their drinks at that moment. She took hers from his tray a tad too quickly and asked him to go ahead and bring another. The waiter nodded his acknowledgment and turned away.

“I’m waiting,” his voice seemed to rumble from across the table.

“Of fuck. I don’t know. What do you want me to say? I’m tired damn it. I’m tired of being at home all the time by myself. I’m tired of you never being home. I’m tired of doing NOTHING but housework. I have no friends anymore. Everyone else has a life and has moved on, years ago. This is something that is happening here, in town. It won’t be overnight. But it will be three days that I won’t be home during the day. Not like you will notice anything though. You will be gone to work before I leave and I’ll be home before you each night,” she said almost a little too sharply.

She didn’t even look at him after she said her say. She knew the look on his face would probably break her resolve and she was determined to stand her ground this time. That was her money! This was something she wanted to do! She didn’t need his permission to do it, she didn’t think.

She glanced around the room. Couples were seated all around her, mostly younger ones. She envied them in their naivety. Thing always seem like they will work out so perfectly when you are younger and have your whole life ahead of you. Funny how things can change. They were once just like all of them. Then, she didn’t know, life just happened. 

The waiter distracted her as he popped back up with her second drink, asking for their dinner order. Taking advantage of the distraction, she stood up, excused herself, and made her way to the bathroom. Walking into the silent room, she realized she didn’t know if she could do this anymore. His looks, his demeanor, his attitude, his “I am the Law” persona. That was not what signed up for when she said “I do”. Was this the end? Was there anything left worth fighting for? Deep sigh escaped her as she realized she really didn’t know just yet.  

She gathered herself together and headed back to the table. He had ordered for her and despite her feelings at the moment, that was actually fine. The rest of the evening fared without much incident. An hour and half and five drinks later, they arrived back home. She headed straight for the bedroom and shut the door behind her. There was too much alcohol in her system to deal with him anymore tonight that was for sure. Thankfully, he took the hint and never even attempted to come in the bedroom. Shedding her dress clothes, she climbed in the bed naked.

She had left her computer on the bed before they had left. YouTube was still up. Music had always been something that pulled at her, lifted her spirits when she left down. She clicked one of her favorite playlist and laid back as Linkin Park’s Castle of Glass began to play. ‘Show me how to be whole again’. How fitting that particular lyric was tonight. Maybe it was sign? Maybe things really were done between them. She had always been a little old fashioned when it came to marriage, never really believed in divorce. But she didn’t know anymore.

Lying back on the pillows, she listened to the music as it flowed through the speakers, not thinking, just feeling. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew it was the alcohol talking, but lying there listening to the various artists, listening to them sing, feeling their passion come through the speakers, she felt like the music was speaking to her in that moment. Song after song played, each one hitting home on a different emotion. Still listening to the random play, the next one to come up was Final Masquerade. That one sent a fresh flow of tears sliding down her cheeks. How can she still love him yet be so miserable? She was reaching for the computer to shut it down when The Eagles came on next. She never shut the Eagles down. They had always been their favorite band! So she pulled it a little closer, and sang along softly. ‘You never thought you’d be alone this far down the line and I know what’s been on your mind, You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time.’

Tears rolling down her face, she shut her laptop gently, hoping, praying fate wasn’t telling her she really had been wasting her time all these years. Emotions were twisted up inside of her. Should she just give up and leave or fight and stay? She had no idea so instead she cried herself to sleep, again.

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he felt like it was safe to peek in the bedroom, he finally did. She was barely covered up, balled up in her pillows, and sound to sleep. No beautiful smile tonight. Instead, he could tell she had cried herself to sleep. Her eyes were already swollen. He hated himself for that because he knew it was his fault. He didn’t mean to come off like he did at dinner. He had just wanted to know what in the hell she had spent three grand on, out of the blue like that. Hell, he still didn’t really know! This was so unlike her.

Softly, he pulled the covers up around her. With an easy touch, he moved her hair out of her face and tucked it back behind her ear. He loved her so much but it seemed like the more years that passed, the harder it was for him to show her. He knew he was losing her and he didn’t know how to stop it. She was his life and she didn’t realize it. Tonight, for the first time, he realized she might actually leave him. He didn’t know what he would do if that happened.

He stood above her and watched her sleep. A tear slid down her cheek and his heart broke as he wiped it away. If only she knew what he would do to make her happy again.

As quiet as a mouse, he turned and left the room. She didn’t want him in the bed with her so he would sleep on the couch again tonight so he didn’t disturb her. With one last look, he closed the bedroom door noiselessly and made his way back to the living room.

Random Tags (gonna try to do an updated tag list soon… maybe.. hopefully)

@megansescape @madamelibrarian @chelsea072498 @jayankles @feelmyroarrrr @docharleythegeekqueen @crowleysdemonknight @motleymoose @sumara62 @mrstheorossix3 @evansrogerskitten @waywardjoy  @dwaynii @jensen-jarpad  @deathtonormalcy56 @supernatural-jackles @ruprecht0420 @charliebradbury1104 @relmi-llorrac @wonderange @sandlee44 @tom-is-in-my-tardis @kmb99t @summer-binging-spn @posiemax @ohmychuckitssamanddean @thedevilinthedetails @bohowitch @tmccarney @dragon-tail @suli155 @mrsbatesmotel53 @petrovadixon @thewalkingmombie @mogaruke @spontaneousam @uniquewerewolfsuit @firstlady36 @goldenolaf25 @lunarsaturn88 @babypieandwhiskey @impalaimagining @sis-tafics @chaos-and-the-calm67 @inmysparetime0 @idreamofhazel @nichelle-my-belle  @firstlady36  @bohowitch @whispersandwhiskerburn  @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @ilostmyshoe-79 @roxy-davenport @mrsbatesmotel53 @plaidstiel-wormstache @spn-hetalian-from-Hogwarts  @carribear31  @captainemwinchester @watercolor31 @sea040561 @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel  @impalaplots @faegal04 @missjenniferb @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels @emoryhemsworth  @isnt-the-blog-youre-looking-for  @tattooedmomster13 @sardonicpsycho @dwgrl1903  @tankcupcakes @atc74  @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @iwantthedean @paintrider13-blog @d-s-winchester @death2thevirgin @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @ellen-reincarnated1967 @just-another-busy-fangirl @waywardjoy @winchesterprincessbride @willowing-love @redlipstickandplaid @mirandaaustin93 @kiranagoya 

[samwinlover-blog]

Probable Fear of Abandonment- Part 3

Part One Here Part Two Here

Pairing: Sam x reader Characters: Sam, Dean, the reader Warnings: angstttt, swearing, a little bit of bestfriend!Dean fluff:)  Request: The reader and the Winchesters have hunted together for years, but when the reader is hospitalized and the Winchesters have to go save the world they leave her behind. The plan was for the separation to be temporary, but when the reader wakes up earlier than the doctors thought she would and sees the Winchesters gone, she thinks they left her. So, with both her heart and a few bones broken. she moves on with her life and starts hunting solo. Years later, fate will bring the three of them together again. On an impossible hunt, not only will the reader see her ex-boyfriend, Sam, but his brother again too! A/N: This took forever, I’m so sorry guys<3  Tag list:  @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@padackles2010@mamaredd123@milkymilky-cocopuff@iwantthedean@zeppo-in-a-trenchcoat@spntrista @d-s-winchester@just-another-busy-fangirl@winchesterprincessbride@waywardjoy@supernaturalyobsessed@whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname@sandlee44@fangirl1802@kittenofdoomage@evyiione@winchestersmut@purgatoan@mogaruke@therewillbeblood@megansescape@taste-of-dean@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @scarlet-soldier-in-an-impala@deathtonormalcy56@wildfirewinchester@notnaturalanahi@jensen-jarpad@impalaimagining@fangirlextraordinaire@itseverythingilike@jesspfly@love@mysteriouslyme81@mrswhozeewhatsis@aiaranradnay@supernatural-jackles@girl-next-door-writes @spnsasha @27bmm @spnfanficpond @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@spn-imagines-to-feel@spn-ficfanatic​@cleverdame@saxxxology@jensen-jarpad@keepcalmandcarryondean gabriels-trix @gallifreyansass @raylin19 @missdestiel67 @spn-ficfanatic @lucyketch

For a minute you just stood there, blinking. Sam had just dropped a bomb, and from the way his hand carefully grazed your arm, he knew it too. 

The touch was hesitant, as if he had no earthly idea how you’d react. But it was what you needed, the familiarity of it all. It had been years, and you’d since settled yourself into a comfortable, suburban life. One that you and Dean used to laugh at, and Sam would secretly go green with envy over. 

You dared a peek at Sam, just to search his face. But he was keeping his features level, willing himself to be a calm in the midst of your storm. With pursed lips and a cool stare, he watched you- still towering almost a full foot taller like he had all those years ago. 

In the midst of the silence, you remembered his brother- the best friend who never failed to make you shake with laughter. The one who’d stay up with you on particularly long nights, practically killing himself just to make you smile.  

“I want to see Dean,” You loosed a breath before turning to Sam, your hair swishing around your shoulders at the movement. 

“O-Okay,” Surprised flashes in his eyes, but it didn’t go any further than that. Instead he just turned in the direction of the Impala and motioned for you to follow, feeling nosy stares from the rest of the parking lot. 

The walk was near silent. Even though both of you had about a million things to say to each other, the parking lot of a Whole Food’s didn’t seem like the right place. 

So you kept your eyes trained on the cracked pavement below your feet until you approached his car, and nearly teared up at the sight of it. 

“Baby,” You breathed, taking in the sight of the car you loved so dearly, “How the hell did you convince Dean to let you take her?” 

A warm chuckle from Sam, “I didn’t. He’s gonna kill me when we get home.” 

“Home?” In all your years of knowing him, you’d never heard Sam use that word referencing to himself- to a place he lived. 

“Yeah,” He ran his fingers through his hair before saying quietly, “A lot’s changed since we last saw you.” 

“Oh,” You swallowed, remembering everything that had happened. That cruel twist of fate that had sent you spinning, and the Winchesters searching. 

The car ride was tense. 

The little conversation that passed between the two of you was jumbled. You’d interrupt each other, trip over your words to a point that silence was a better option. It was as if neither of you could have a normal conversation until you addressed what was really on your mind: all of those years you’d spent apart from one another. 

Did he still love you? The first time the thought crossed your mind was when Sam reached towards the stereo. His nose had crinkled in disgust at Dean’s hard rock that had blared from the speakers, and he’d immediately opted for a gentler melody. Slow, bluesy tunes that reminded you so much of the night you’d met washed over the car, all but drenching you in nostalgia. 

It had been a rainy night, the weather reflecting your attitude towards a particularly nasty hunt, and you were hunched over your third beer. You took long gulps as you watched the bartender hit on his fourth girl of the night, always putting on the same tricks and always using the same lines, “Want to learn a bar trick?” 

When the main door’s bell had then rung, you weren’t paying attention at first. You just kept your nose in your drink and your head down, all you’d wanted to do was forget about your problems for one night. Only when you’d overheard the words “Vampires” and “Abigail Louis” did you start paying attention to the conversation happening to your left.  

Two men, whom you'd soon come to know as Sam and Dean Winchester, were sitting huddled together- looking just as weary as you felt. When you scanned them up and down you saw they both were armed, and almost immediately pegged them for hunters. 

The worn out flannels, the mud-caked boots, they had to be hunters. And if their general clothing didn’t tell you as much, their eyes did. Both of them, each brother, had eyes that had seen too much. 

They had eyes just like yours, ones that had looked into the darkest parts of the world, and held that gaze everyday. 

You hadn’t officially met them until the day after, when both you and the Winchesters had shown up to the police station posing as FBI agents- that had been an interesting one to explain to the sheriff. But you’d always count that night in the bar as the first time you met Sam. 

If not because it was the first time you ran into other hunters on the same case, but because seeing them had made you feel a little less alone in the miserable life you led. 

When you pulled up to what seemed to be an abandoned warehouse, at first you had no idea what to expect. Years of hunting and all of the mistrust that came with it had you questioning Sam’s true intentions, if only for a moment. But when a grumbling Dean came rushing out from a smaller door to the side, you knew you were at the “home” his brother had referred to earlier. 

It didn’t look like a home though, much less a house. Built into a hill was a small, rounded brick structure, dead ivy snaking its way through cracks in its foundation. Even from your view from the Impala, you could see the layers of dust and grime coating the building’s exterior, what was this place? 

You didn’t have time to take in much more than that before you were interrupted by a pissed off Dean, “Sammy! I swear to Chuck if there’s a scratch on her-” 

But he stopped when he saw you, sitting in the passenger’s seat. 

“Wh-wh-” His voice wobbled as he studied you through the car window, “How th-what? Y-You?” 

You stared right back at him, feeling your eyes burn at every tired line on his face, knowing a few of them were probably from looking for you. The thought had you spinning, wondering how many other things had happened as a result of your sister’s betrayal. How many sleepless nights? How many fights? How many bottles of whiskey did it take for him, specifically him, to stop searching for you? 

“(Y/N/N),” He was still gaping at you, mouth hanging open, but this time when the older Winchester spoke, his voice was clear. Your name wasn’t a question, it was a statement. 

“D,” You breathed and began scrambling to open the Impala’s door, just wanting to get your hands on him. Seconds later you’d flung your arms around his neck and felt his own wrap around your mid section, the both of you squeezing the life out of each other. 

“I thought I’d never see you again,” Dean whispered, his breath tickling the crook of your neck, “I thought you were gone,” 

“I-I, I didn’t think I’d see you either.” You echoed, inhaling and clinging onto that familiar scent of whiskey and mint as it filled your lungs. Home, the Winchesters were your Home, and now it was time for them to show you theirs: the “Bunker” you thought you’d heard Sam call it. 

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Colors

Characters: Dean x Reader 

Word Count: 1,043 (including lyrics)

Warnings: angst, talk of losing yourself, talk of working so hard that you forget what’s imporant

Request: Hey I have a request ,can you do a Dean x Reader to the song Colors by Halsey (in the readers pov obviously lmaoo) but not the dialogue that's not near the end

Author’s Note:  I have reached 1,000 followers and I have hosted a writing challenge is you want to take a look at it. Whether you’re a beginner writer and want to practice or a writer that has been writing for a long time, then this is for you. I give feedback to all the fics.

So, please enjoy! If you want to be tagged, leave an ask or message and I’ll add you! Same goes for my Series Rewrite! If you want to request a fic, please send them in! I love writing what you guys want!

Colors by Halsey

Feedback is always appreciated

Tags at the bottom

Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so You said your mother only smiled on her TV show “You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old

Dean Winchester was an amazing man. You knew it and Sam knew. The only person who didn’t know it was himself. You met him when he was 18 years old. H You remembered him when he was so full of light, despite the fact that he was hunting monsters with his family. Despite the fact that his mother had died when he was kid.

He tried to push that all away and you helped him with that. You knew the kind of person he was and you hoped to whoever was listening, that he would never forget that or at least see what you and everybody else was seeing. He was a hero, always saving the good guys and taking down the bad guys.

He always made sure the people he loved was always safe before he even thought about anyone else. You’ve told him countless of times that you loved him and even though Sam never said it to him, you knew Sam loved him as well.

But things have been changing in your life and you didn’t know it was for the good. Every person has at least two sides to them. The side that they allow other people to see and the side that they know and see. You knew both of Dean’s sides so it didn’t faze you as much as it should have when you found him crying, alone and by himself.

He put on this façade for everyone to see and so did you and Sam. It was easier to have people think you were a happy person than for them to see there was something wrong with you. There were times Dean has caught you crying because the stress of the job was too much for you to handle.

Alcohol became yours and his best friend.

That was the only time Dean let himself be happy. Alcohol numbed the pain so without the pain, he was happy. You hated seeing what this was doing to him and you wanted to stop it but you didn’t like seeing him in pain. It brought you pain as well.

You just hoped that with whatever shit is thrown your way involving monsters, alcohol, girls, and whatever else could be toxic, he would live a long life.

You're dripping like a saturated sunrise You're spilling like an overflowing sink You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece And now you're tearing through the pages and the ink

You started noticing the change when he turned 28 after his dad died. He was once a happy man but that slowly started to drip away. All that false happiness was starting to flow out of him like he was some kind of bucket that couldn’t contain his contents.

You didn’t know if it was the job or the mere fact that he couldn’t handle this emotionally but the man you once knew was slowly slipping away and what he was leaving behind was a shell of a man you once knew.

But damn, if he was still the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen.

Everything is blue His pills, his hands, his jeans And now I'm covered in the colors Pulled apart at the seams And it's blue And it's blue Everything is grey His hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he's so devoid of color He don't know what it means And he's blue And he's blue

You know what people say about the meaning of colors: Red stood for love and passion. Yellow stood for joy and happiness. Green stood for good luck or envy. Purple stood for mystery and wisdom. All those colors stood for more good than bad. But Blue was not one of them

Blue stood for depression, slowly slipping away until there is so much of you gone, you don’t recognize not even yourself anymore. All those colors that made you who you were start slipping away into something so dull and so sad, you can’t even do the things that make you happy anymore.

Dean was like that. He was slowly being stripped of the things that made him smile and for a while, you were able to pull him back from doing something dangerous but now, not even you could save him. You’ve tried helping but the only thing you could do now is sit back and watch it happen.

Being grey also doesn’t have many good things about it. One of the many bad things about the color grey was the fact that there was melancholy and grief attached to it. Being blue is one thing and being grey is another but when you’re both, you are so far gone from everyone else.

That was Dean and you could tell it was slowly killing him from the inside.

You were a vision in the morning when the light came through I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you You said you'll never be forgiven 'til your boys are too And I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you

You’ve tried getting Dean to remember the man he once was. You’ve tried reminding him what it was like to love you. You loved Dean as much as your tiny heart could contain but to him, that wasn’t enough.

He doesn’t touch you anymore. He rarely kisses you. He would fall asleep with you but when you wake up, he is gone. Sam noticed these changes in him and because Sam knew him best, you thought he would get him out of this funk he is in.

No luck.

Everything is grey His hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he's so devoid of color He don't know what it means And he's blue And he's blue

You were so busy trying to help Dean, you didn’t stop to think of how this was affecting you.

Now, you don’t even know who you are anymore. You were just so devoid of all your colors.

Masterlist // Series Rewrite Masterlist // Buy me a Coffee?

Forever tags:

@the-band-parade @maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith @mogaruke @whit85-blog @inlovewithbja @spn67-sister @kdfrqqg @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @roxyspearing @supercalifragilistic26 @mishamigose @cobrakai1967 @essie1876 @innernightwerewolf

Dean tags:

@akshi8278 @winchesterandpie @mega-mrs-dean-winchester @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester

Other tags:

@jensen-jarpad @notnaturalanahi @27bmm

[spn-j2-blog]

@jarpad (twitter) 3 years old and 4 years old and ALREADY better facial hair than daddy!!! #happy2017 

(facebook) I have beard-envy of my sons... (and, no, that's not The Lorax...). Happy New Year!!! 

(instagram) Shep, Tom, and I, mustache you a question.... how was your New Years?!?! #MySonTheLorax

[mamaredd123]

Hurt

A/N: This is my entry for @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid and @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian ‘s Diva’s of Storytelling Challenge.

My song prompt was Hurt by Christina Aquilera. The challenge was to write a fic based off the lyrics of a song. So click the link above and listen to the song as you read. Hope I succeeded! 

As a side note, If any of you read my A Sign From Above, you might notice a few things that carried over.

PAIRING: none really, just Dean

WORD COUNT: almost 600 (I had thought this would make a one shot but it just sounded better as a drabble)

WARNINGS: all angst!

Mama’s Master List

Wanna be on my tag list? Click here to go to Google Docs or just send me an ask!

Dean unlocked the door and headed straight behind the bar. At least there were some perks to owning your own nightclub, he thought to himself. After reaching for the fifth of Pappy Van Winkle, he snatched up a glass and poured a double shot. He tilted his head back letting the amber fluid slide down his throat. As the burn began to fade, he swiveled around to look at his latest achievement, Club Infinity.

It has been a long ten years since she stood beside him at the grand opening of his first club. Now Club Infinity made his fifth club in five cities. Thinking back, he remembered her that night. She was all smiles and laughs as she told him how proud she was of him. To be honest with himself, just knowing he had made her proud was all the gratification he had needed. But as it was that night, as the owner, there were duties he had to attend to.

They had walked hand and hand into the club and he had gotten her situated at a private booth. She had tried to talk him into staying with her, reminding him of how hard he had worked and that he should take one night to enjoy it. But no, he quickly kissed her on the cheek and headed back out in the crowd. Throughout the night, he would occasionally sneak glances her way to see if she was still smiling. Every time he looked, she was always smiling and watching him, usually gave him a little wave. Then the last time he looked, she was gone.

Looking back now, he would have given anything to have stayed by her side that night as she had asked him. However, since time travel was unrealistic, he kept a silent promise to her every time he opened a new club now. On the opening night, he never worked anymore. Tonight’s grand opening would be the same. He would find a private table and sit back and enjoy the fruits of his efforts. He would watch everyone come in. He would watch the people as they laughed and drank and danced. And he would envy each and every one of them.

Turning back around, he poured another double shot. Leaning heavily against the bar, he swirled the bourbon around in the glass, remembering her smile the day he first met her. Chuckling to himself, he recalled her quirkiness when she rear ended him on his way to the bank for his first business loan. That had been the day his life had changed forever. The next three years with her had been the best times of his life. She never left his side after he finally made that call to ask her out.

After she was gone, he never even bothered to look for anyone else to be in his life. There wasn’t anyone on this God forsaken planet who would ever come close to her. So instead he threw himself into his work. With each new club he opened, he silently he prayed that she was still proud of him. Deep down he knew she would want him to move on, find someone new to love, but it would never happen. The only thing he ever hoped for anymore, even though he knew it would never happen, would be to just see her one more time, to see that smile of hers. He would give anything to tell her how sorry he was and how much he loved her.

Forever Tags:

@megansescape @madamelibrarian @chelsea072498 @jayankles @feelmyroarrrr @docharleythegeekqueen @crowleysdemonknight @motleymoose @sumara62 @mrstheorossix3 @evansrogerskitten @waywardjoy   @dwaynii @jensen-jarpad   @deathtonormalcy56 @ruprecht0420 @charliebradbury1104 @relmi-llorrac @wonderange @sandlee44 @tom-is-in-my-tardis @kmb99t @summer-binging-spn @posiemax @ohmychuckitssamanddean @thedevilinthedetails @bohowitch @tmccarney @dragon-tail @suli155 @mrsbatesmotel53 @petrovadixon @thewalkingmombie @mogaruke @spontaneousam @uniquewerewolfsuit @firstlady36 @goldenolaf25 @lunarsaturn88  @spn-hetalian-from-hogwarts  @carribear31  @captainemwinchester @watercolor31 @sea040561 @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel  @myloveforyouxx-deactivated20171  @impalaplots  @fegal04  @missjenniferb  @tradis-full-of-fallen-angels

Random Tags (just tagging a few of you who used to be on my Forever Tags): @babypieandwhiskey @impala-dreamer @frenchybell  @idreamofhazel @nichelle-my-belle @moonlitskinwalker @redlipstickandplaid @taste-of-dean @avasmommy224 @you-are-not-in-my-contacts-list  @p-b-and-cas @supernatural-jackles @treasurecastiel @calicat79 @beccafgs @mysteriouslyme81 @chaos-and-the-calm67 @sis-tafics @benjerry707 @impalaimagining @sdavid09 @meganlpie @whispersandwhiskerburn @authoressskr @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @beccatigger @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @buckysmetallicstump @breeannhausler @sazrahlovesbooks @unfortunately-a @clinicalkayla @maddieburcham1 @ilostmyshoe-79 @roxy-davenport @eve05glee @jensenacklesfuckmeyes @ladyxdezi @catackles16 @wi-deangirl77 @dang-meddling-Winchesters   @donnaintx @jdhillons @tiffanycaruso @pureawesomeness001 @notateenbeachmovie @deanlovespiebabyandmeloljkiwish @omgspnfanfiction @leonepanda @grimes-ft-winchester @thatshellfiredean @deanandsamsbitch @straitsupernaturalmalefan @farewellsanity @lauramerrell1 @trustnobodyshootfirst @doro7winchester @mariairwin666 @tankcupcakes @atc74  @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @iwantthedean @paintrider13-blog @d-s-winchester @death2thevirgin @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @ellen-reincarnated1967 @just-another-busy-fangirl @waywardjoy @winchesterprincessbride

[samwinlover-blog]

Night Terrors

Pairing: Sam x Reader  Characters: Sam, Reader  Warnings: nightmares, fluff Word count: 1114 Tag list: @amanda-teaches @myplaceofthingsilove @spectaculicious @bambinovak @writingthingsisdifficult @aliensdeservebetter @spnfanficpond @amanda-teaches @myplaceofthingsilove@evyiione @mogaruke@aliensdeservebetter@27bmm@craving-cas @spnfanficpond​ @amanda-teaches  @myplaceofthingsilove  @spectaculicious@bambinovak @bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@padackles2010 @mamaredd123@milkymilky-cocopuff @iwantthedean@zeppo-in-a-trenchcoat @spntrista @d-s-winchester@just-another-busy-fangirl@winchesterprincessbride@waywardjoy@supernaturalyobsessed@whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname@sandlee44@fangirl1802@kittenofdoomage @evyiione @winchestersmut@purgatoan@mogaruke @therewillbeblood @megansescape @taste-of-dean@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid  @scarlet-soldier-in-an-impala@deathtonormalcy56@wildfirewinchester @notnaturalanahi@jensen-jarpad@impalaimagining@fangirlextraordinaire@itseverythingilike@jesspfly@lovekittykat21@mysteriouslyme81@mrswhozeewhatsis@aiaranradnay@supernatural-jackles@girl-next-door-writes@spnsasha@27bmm@spnfanficpond @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@spn-imagines-to-feel@spn-ficfanatic@cleverdame@saxxxology@jensen-jarpad @keepcalmandcarryondean dancingpanda137 Summary: The reader has nightmares and decides to go to Sam’s bed instead of her own one night. 

Sleeping was hell, it always had been. But since you began hunting, it had gotten so much worse. Every night you’d wake up in a cold sweat, panting and shaking from the night terrors. These terrors plagued your sleep, made you fear unconsciousness and the gruesome images that accompanied it. It was always the same one: you were trapped somewhere dark and cold. You could hear Sam calling out to you, but you didn’t know where his voice was coming from. And then the room would start filling with water. It would rush around your ankles, making small, white eddies. Then it would get to your knees and you’d start shivering, calling out to Sam. All the while he would be yelling back, screaming your name and trying to find you. But then the water would rise to your stomach, even colder than before. And you’d start yelling even louder, trying to wade away. But the further you went into the blackness, the higher the water rose. Until it was up to your neck, you’d then tilt your head up towards the ceiling, gasping rapidly. And even though you were yelling at the top of your lungs and Sam was yelling back, he would always be too late. You’d see him just as your head went under and the water filled your lungs. And you were drowning, your throat burning and body thrashing. Then when you woke up you’d be gulping for air, unable to shake the feeling that you were drowning. One night the terrors became too unbearable, and when you woke up you needed safety. Needed some sort of human connection to get you through the rest of the night, so you had decided to find Sam. 

When you woke up with a hand to your throat you were gasping for breath, chest rising and falling in a wild, erratic pattern. Your eyes searched the room for any sign of normalcy, any comforting thing to ease you from the stress of the nightmare. And you found it, your sheer white curtains swaying from side to side. The soft, swishing sound they made as a breeze moved them calmed you down a little. They made it so you were able to lie back down and close your eyes again. But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t shake that terrible feeling. You knew it was ironic, you felt unsafe in a bunker warded against every danger known to man. 

Putting a hand to your head you started taking deep, slow breaths. But nothing was working, you couldn’t fall back asleep and you couldn’t calm yourself down. So you decided to go wake up Sam, hoping he wouldn’t mind. You and Sam had this strange relationship, the two of you were somewhere between friends and lovers. You hadn’t ever told him about the night terrors, you’d always suffered in silence. But tonight was different, maybe Sam could actually help. 

With a groan you peeled the covers to the side and got out of bed. Immediately you hissed at the cold wooden floor on your bare feet. Your pajamas were meant for warmer temperatures. The shorts and tank top you were wearing left both your arms, stomach and thighs exposed to the chilled night air. Shivering, you quickly ran to Sam’s room. Down the hall and to the left of yours, it was somewhat of a hike. And in the pitch black bunker, you were stumbling and bumping into the corners of tables. 

When you finally arrived at Sam’s door, you were surprised that you hadn’t woken either of the brothers yet. Filled with swearing and loud groans from various furniture you bumped into, the walk there hadn’t exactly been quiet. But when you opened his door up just a crack, you found him still asleep. He was lying on his stomach with his arms wrapped around the same pillow his face was buried in. You watched the steady rise and fall of his back and envied him, how easily he slept so soundly. You also felt bad for waking him, if you were ever to sleep like that you’d kill the person who woke you up. 

But with a breath in, you approached his bedside and tapped his shoulder. When he only stirred but didn’t wake, you lightly shoved him. 

“Sam?”, you whispered. 

You saw his eyebrows crease together as he mumbled, “What?”, his voice groggy. 

His eyes were open now and he registered that it was you peering over him, “(Y/N)?” 

“Yeah, hi. Sorry to wake you”, you whispered again. 

“No that’s fine what’s up?”, he asked rubbing his face and looking up at you. 

“Um, I can’t sleep in my room. It’s to big and too far away from you and Dean...” your voice trailed off into even more of a whisper, “could I maybe sleep with you?” 

His eyebrows rose in surprise, which you didn’t take as a good sign. What if he turned you away and you had to go back to your own room to face the night alone?

But he then nodded his head and scooted over, leaving you a space beside him, “Yeah, of course, come here” 

You breathed a sigh of relief and lay down next to him, already feeling warmer. You didn’t edge closer to him, even though you wanted to- he was a god damn furnace. So the two of you whispered sleepy good nights to each other and then drifted off. To your surprise, you found yourself falling into a dreamless sleep sooner than you ever had. 

It wasn’t perfect, you still tossed and turned and mumbled in your sleep. But you didn’t have the night terror. That horrid, petrifying terror which you spent so many nights running from didn’t return. 

Around 2 AM you woke again, not from fright though. Opening your eyes you found Sam’s arms wrapped tightly around your shoulders and waist. You looked up at his face, which was resting on the top of your head. You saw his eyes moving back and forth beneath their lids, no doubt he was trapped in a dream. Your gaze trailed down to where his hand was tightly clutching your hip. His fingers gripped your bare skin, digging into where your tank top left your waist exposed. 

You then saw his eyes flutter open and meet with yours. 

“Hi,” he mumbled, voice deep and raspy from just waking up. 

“You’re not on your side of the bed”, you teased.

But his grip on you only tightened as he sighed and grinned, “What are you gonna do about it?”

“Absolutely nothing”, you laughed back, burying your head further into his chest. 

[samwinlover-blog]

Ignorance is Bliss

Pairing: Sam x Reader Characters: Sam, the reader, Dean, mention of random women  Warnings: angst, swearing, fighting, soulless!sam, steamy!sam Word count: 2324 Tag list: @amanda-teaches @myplaceofthingsilove@evyiione @mogaruke@aliensdeservebetter@27bmm@craving-cas @spnfanficpond​ @amanda-teaches  @myplaceofthingsilove  @spectaculicious@bambinovak @bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@padackles2010 @mamaredd123@milkymilky-cocopuff @iwantthedean@zeppo-in-a-trenchcoat @spntrista @d-s-winchester@just-another-busy-fangirl@winchesterprincessbride@waywardjoy@supernaturalyobsessed@whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname@sandlee44@fangirl1802@kittenofdoomage @evyiione @winchestersmut@purgatoan@mogaruke @therewillbeblood @megansescape @taste-of-dean@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid  @scarlet-soldier-in-an-impala@deathtonormalcy56@wildfirewinchester @notnaturalanahi@jensen-jarpad@impalaimagining@fangirlextraordinaire@itseverythingilike@jesspfly@lovekittykat21@mysteriouslyme81@mrswhozeewhatsis@aiaranradnay@supernatural-jackles@girl-next-door-writes@spnsasha@27bmm@spnfanficpond @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@spn-imagines-to-feel@spn-ficfanatic@cleverdame@saxxxology@jensen-jarpad @keepcalmandcarryondean dancingpanda137 Summary: the Reader copes with the loss of Sam’s soul, and the person it turned him into. 

Masterlist Here!

Ever since Sam lost his soul it had been rough. He was nothing compared to the person he was before, the one you’d loved so much. Soulless Sam was nothing but a cruel, heartless shell of a man. And you hated him. You hated the predatory way his eyes roamed up and down your torso, never stopping to look at your face. You hated how he breezed from woman to woman, never caring and never looking back. And, most of all, you hated those few seconds early in the morning when you forgot. You forgot he didn’t have a soul, and then- when you snapped out of it- the truth threatened to crush you. 

Dean had been coping a lot better than you had been. He just grumbled and stomached every blow and insult hurled at him by Sam, you wished you could react as he did. But you couldn’t, no matter how hard you tried. You couldn’t just swallow it and move on; every single time you yelled back. And that lead to a lot of fighting. It had turned you into a miserable person. You’d spend your days dragging your feet, counting down the hours until you could go to sleep and forget for a few hours. But, even that, was usually taken away from you. Nightmares chased you awake almost every night, and most of those nightmares were about Sam. 

You couldn’t stop thinking about his soul, and about what it was enduring in the Cage. It was trapped in Hell, with only the Devil as company- the thought alone set your panic ablaze. Every night when you fell asleep you’d be greeted with the most gruesome imagines your mind could come up with, all including Lucifer and the Cage. You often found yourself waking up Dean and getting him to calm you down, which he always did without complaint. The two of you had grown very close over the past few months. You were dealing with it in your own way, but the thought of Sam haunted both of you.

The three of you were working a case just outside of Montgomery, Alabama, something was killing the eldest male in a few specific families- none of you knew why. Normally Sam would have marveled at the history of the town, chatting endlessly about the Montgomery bus boycotts or the New Deal, but he stayed quiet. That was what scared you the most, the quiet. When he wasn’t insulting, laughing at, or flirting, he didn’t give you the time of day. 

“It’s hot as hell,” Dean announced before rolling down the windows of the Impala. You were sandwiched between the two Winchesters in the front seat. That was how you always sat, because all three of you refused to sit in the back, but ever since Sam had lose his soul you found it unnerving to be close to him for so long. You shifted awkwardly in your seat, scooting as far away from him as you could get. 

“Yeah, and the police station doesn’t have air conditioning.” You gave a dry chuckle in return, the case truly was going to suck. 

“Yeah, lucky for you and Sam, you don’t have to go today.” 

“What? Why?” This was the first you were hearing of it. 

“The two of you are going to the motel to research, really only one of us needs to be at the station.” Dean responded, as if he’d just given you a gift. 

“W-what? I-I really don’t mind, it’s no problem, Dean.” You stuttered back, really not wanting to be alone with Sam for more than 5 minutes. 

But Dean gave you a look, which you read easily. He needed to be alone. So you shut your mouth and nodded, telling him it was okay. Dean coped with the whole Sam situation a lot differently than you did. Once or twice a week he would just disappear for a few hours, you had no idea where he went. But he’d always come back bruised and bleeding, so you assumed he was hunting something on the side. It wasn’t a surprise, really. Whenever Dean got too overwhelmed or couldn’t deal, he often hunted- just needing something, anything to relieve the stress. And you didn’t blame him. 

“Don’t look so disappointed, we’ll have fun, we always do.” Sam gave you a smirk and you knew exactly what he was implying. Dean went rigid in his seat.

“Fuck off, Sam” You growled back, shifting even further away from him. 

But Soulless had no shame, so he just rolled his eyes and gave you a condescending wink. 

“I call the table. We don’t have to talk, just do research.” You stated plainly as you walked into the motel room and grabbed your computer. You didn’t want to talk to Soulless, you hated him. You didn’t want to waste your breath on yet another fight over yet another stupid argument- it was all so pointless. But you knew, as soon as you said it, that he wouldn’t listen. You knew he would start shit and you knew he would enjoy it. 

“Oh come on, why don’t you want to talk to me?” Sam gave a small smirk in your direction before leaning back on his bed. 

“Just leave me alone.” You muttered, sitting down at the table facing the window and looking out. It was about two in the afternoon and you saw nothing but highways. Cars upon cars piled into mid afternoon traffic, creating a metallic haze of colors. You envied the people in those cars. They didn’t have to worry about hunting or sleep in the back of an Impala nearly every night. They didn’t have to constantly look over their shoulder and anticipate the next attack. They didn’t have to deal with seeing the man they loved every god damn day without a soul. They didn’t have to save everybody. 

“Okay, your call, babe.” Sam chuckled dryly from across the room. 

“Don’t call me that.” You snapped back at him. 

“You used to love it. You used to love me- pathetic really that you still do.” 

You knew what he was trying to do, and it was working. He was trying to make you angry, pushing you to fighting back. And he knew you eventually would, because he knew exactly what to say to hurt you the most. 

“I see the bags under your eyes, don’t think I haven’t noticed that you stay up all night. Is it because your worried for the future- or you regret the past? Maybe you regret that you couldn’t save me, I know Dean does.” 

You grabbed the edges of the table in front of you, digging your nails into the smoothed wood. That bastard. Absolute bastard. 

“Don’t worry though, lover, I like who I am now. Before I was weak, I let trivial things like emotions hold me back. But not now, now I don’t care about anybody- especially not you or Dean- and it’s freeing, really.” 

You felt his eyes on you, scanning your body for any hint that what he was saying was working. And he found it in the form of your fists. They were now clenched and your knuckles were turning white. You willed with everything you had for them to stop, for you to calm down. But it didn’t work. You started thinking about the day Sam got thrown into the cage. And how you could have stopped it. 

“I told you not to talk to me.” You said through gritted teeth, refusing to turn around and look at him. 

“Oh, but we’re having so much fun.” 

“Just shut the hell up and do your research, I want to get the hell out of Montgomery as soon as possible.” You hissed back at him. 

“Why? Just to move onto some other case, some other monster that you need Dean and I’s help to kill?” 

And he’d moved to his second favorite insult. 

“Shut up, Sam.” 

“Why? It’s all true. Before my brother and I you were a joke of a hunter, traveling around and believing you was actually doing good. You didn’t save more than you lost, and you know it.” His voice remained steady and sounding gloriously uninterested.  

“Just leave me alone.” You mumbled more to yourself and turned to open your computer. You planned on getting lost in the lore, on fully immersing yourself into the case. Anything to take your mind off of him, and everything you’d lost. 

“Whatever, I’m going to take a shower.” He had finally gotten bored.

You heard the swish of clothing as he literally stripped right then and there. You kept your back turned though, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a look. It was nothing you hadn’t seen before anyways. 

Before he’d lost his soul, you and Sam had been together. You’d dated for two years and been best friends long before. It had been perfect, like a fairy tale minus the fairies. And plus all the demons. The two of you had just fit together. Even though you were different, it had worked out. You’d brought out the wild side in him and he’d reigned you in a little, the two of you had been in perfect harmony. But that had all changed the day he threw himself into the pit. 

Sam always had this obsession with saving people. In fact, he usually neglected himself in the process. He was selfless and would happily sacrifice himself for the greater good, that was his MO since the day you’d met him. You knew it was because he believed he was a monster, and blamed himself so harshly for the ones he failed to save- those who slipped through the cracks. He had this complex, this need to save everyone. He thought that if he did that, he could somehow make up for all of the bad. And, hell, there was a lot of bad. You knew about Ruby, the demon blood, and everything in between. Sam Winchester was a poster child for self blame and a hero’s complex. You’d known this, and loved him anyway. 

You heard the shower turn on and put the thought out of your mind. Research, you had to do research. You clicked through pages and pages of lore, searching for anything and everything. What you knew so far wasn’t very helpful. There was a string of houses in an old neighborhood being newly developed, each more ancient and rickety than the last. So far, in each family that tried to move into one of these houses, the eldest male was always killed. There wasn’t a certain way though, it had ranged from hanging to drowning. And that was what made no sense, there wasn’t a pattern whatsoever. The families stayed in the houses for various amounts of time, some got weeks and some got days before the thing attacked. So far there had been 4 victims, and you knew you had to act fast before there was another one. 

You clicked through lore for what felt like hours, but was only about 20 minutes. You’d always hated research, it was Sam’s thing and not yours. But Soulless refused to help out 90% of the time; he was all about the kill now, not the facts. After about another 5 minutes, you finally had a break through. It was a sight about the local lore of the town, and it was exactly what you were looking for. Apparently, about 200 years ago, there was a little girl named Lizzie Abrams who lived in one of the houses. The sight said that Lizzie had always been a troubled child, and not gotten along with her family- especially her father. On her 10th birthday, her father killed her in the bathtub. Where it got complicated was that 3 weeks later, Lizzie’s father was killed in the same bathtub. Vengeful spirit- you’d figured it out. The only thing that didn’t make sense was that there a bunch of houses being haunted, you figured she was attached to some object being moved from house to house. 

The shower clicked off and Sam walked out- in nothing but a towel. Steam literally billowed off of him as he shook out his hair- droplets spraying everywhere. You found yourself looking at him, flicking your eyes over his impossibly toned abdomen. The second you realized what you were doing you quickly turning away, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. But it was too late, he noticed.

“Like what you see?” He asked, giving you a positively wicked grin. 

“Shut up, I found something. Come here.” 

He started strutting over in nothing but a towel, before you hurriedly yelled at him, “P-put some clothes on first!” 

He just laughed, rolled his eyes, and stalked back into the bathroom to change. When he was finished he hovered over where you were sitting, his arms bracing the table on either side of you. You didn’t look back, but you didn’t shove him away either. So the two of you stood and sat there, looking at the computer screen. He was so god damn close, it was killing you. You found your mind wandering to before he lost his soul, to thinking about how in love the two of you used to be. 

“Look, I think this is what’s happening.” You pointed to the screen. 

He took a second to read it before responding, “Yeah, actually this is what we’ve been looking for. I’ll call Dean, we should head to the neighborhood.” 

You nodded and started heading for the car, grabbing your gun from the table before walking out the door. You sat in the drivers seat of the Impala and turned the key in the ignition, hearing the engine roar as the car started. Sam quickly joined you in the front seat and you set off, meeting Dean at the police station.