#James I just saw that your age in your profile changed and it hit me that you've been submitting pics to this blog for like. 3 years.

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Submitted by @james-the-axew

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The Critic Valentine’s Day Double Feature (Pilot/Sherman, Woman and Child)

Vivia Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec! Viva Valentine’s Day! And Viva WeirdKev who as happens for a good chunk of my content payed for this wonderful double feature for one of my favorite shows.  The Critic was created by Al Jean and Mike Reis of The Simpsons fame, a comedy team supreme. While I knew the two wrote for the simpsons, more on that iin a minute, I had no idea just how many classics the two churned out: There’s No Disgrace Like Home, Moaning LIsa, The Telltale Head, The Way We Was, Stark Raving Dad (Sadly tainted by it’s guest star being a horirble monster but that’s not their fault), Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington, the treehouse of horror segments The Bart Zone and Clown Without Pity (The second of which may be my favorite treehouse of horror segment), and later coming back to write the story for one of my all time favorites Round Springfield and to outright write the classic “SupercalfragalisticexpalliDOHcious”.  And to his credit Jean would later go on to write some classic post-golden age simpsons episodes during his tenure as producer: Lisa’s Sax, Mom and Pop Art, and Children of a Lesser Clod, which is notable if nothing else for this gag. 

So yeah the guys are legends and were right to start their own show under Simpsons producer James L Brooks over at ABC. The show followed the adventures of film Critic, Jay Sherman, a parody of film critics with high brow tastes, impossibly high standards, and a huge opinon of himself, having won the pultizer at least once.  Despite this he was also constnatly spat and shat on by society, divorced, lonely, depressed and eats like a thousand pigs combined in some horrific science accident. And given the last three parts describe me, as well as my profession of b eing a critic, naturally I love the guy and this show. I’ll get into his cast as we go as the first episode does an excellent job of introducing the entire cast so there’s no sense repeating myself.  But the show’s style I can and will talk about: It’s basically Golden Age, i.e. season’s 1-10, simpsons, but with more pop culture refrences and movie parodies, since the show would often feature multiple on Jay’s show coming Attractions and took place in the celebrity hot spot of new york and was a love letter to the city.. and sometimes a hate letter but only when those digs at the city would be funny, which to be fair depsite never having been to or lived in new york most really are. That’s the series key asset: while a LOT of the jokes haven’t aged well as a lot of the celbreity refrences are dated as are some of the movie parodies, most are hilarious wether you get what their making fun of or not and to me tha’ts a good parody: where knowing what their making fun of HELPS, but you can laugh regardless. The show had the charm and pace of the Simpsons while having it’s own unique style and cast that was just as charming and I love it dearly.  The show sadly only lasted two seasons, with ABC canceling it after one, and Brooks having it moved over to FOX, which was a good idea and lead to what’s probably my faviorite simpsons episode, a Star is Burns. Ironically despite you know, the show being created by two simpsons writers, backed by one of their producers and perfectly in line, creator Matt Groening was against the idea, publicly ranted about it to the press, and generally was an ass about it. Look I love the guy and even Brooks, Jean and Reiss were all nice enough in thier criticsim of the guy, but sitll very much understandably pissed off. .and i’m with them. 

It gave what’s again, my faviorite episode and what is not a “30 minute add” but an episode that easily stands on it’s own and also you know, pokes fun at itself for being a crossover a few times. You don’t need to see the critic to enjoy it, and episodes most iconic gags, Boo-Urns, Man Getting HIt by a Football, Senior Speilbergo, all don’t involve jay. And again the shows were not at all dismilar: While the critic was it’s own thing it still had the simpsons sense of humor and pacing so I saw it more as a petty rant against having a crossover in general more than a legit critcisim. Especially since Groening had no such complaints decades later with the family guy crossover after both shows had all tehir talent surgically removed and had the gall to NOT remove a cheap shot at Bob’s Burgers. And yes i’m still bitter about seeing that in a promo for the special, Bob’s Burgers is fantastic, to the point that now, in a fabulous case of history repeating itself, it’s got it’s OWN show like the critic made by talented former crew members using a similar but sitll throughly unique comedy style , The Great North. My point is that controversy pisses me off, and The Great North is spectacular go watch it while you read this. 

So yeah the Critic is awesome, me and Kev are both fans, and there are plenty of romantic episodes abound as the show digs into Jay’s love life quite a few times and has episodes about his son’s first love, his boss finding a wife towards the end of the series, his parents rekindling their spark and in what’s easily my faviorite episode, his sister dating a grunge rocker. So there was no shortage of choices but the choice made was brilliant.. and i’m not saying that because i’m being paid to, as my review of splatter phoenix’s first episode in darkwing duck and woops should show, paying me does not guarantee that I have to LIKE what your paying me to review. But here I did and he pointed out the first episode of each season, with season two being a soft reboot that while keeping the premise and supporting cast changed a few things around and added two new main characters, and both involve jay finding a new love intrest and intorduce a lot of the cast. I found him to be right, so where we are and after the cut i’ll dive into the good and bad of both episodes and see what changed inbetween seasons. 

That gag will make sense.. later. Right now it’s time for our very first episode, the show’s very first episode as you could probably tell by the title. 

Pilot:  The pilot starts with Jay getting touched up by his Makeup Person Doris. Jay is played by legendary comedian John Lovitz, who this show gave me a deep and lasting appreciation for. Lovitz was at the time best known for his 5 year long stint on SNL, and film wise is best known for Three Amigos, the Brave Little Toaster, The Wedding Singer and Rat Race. Sadly while I do geninely love the guy.. he has been in enough crap to destroy the New York Sewer system, as everyone needs money and sadly not everyone appricates the talents of John Lovitz like I do. 

So naturally he’s also been in The Stepford Wives remake, Grown Ups 2, The Ridiculous 6, Eight Crazy Nights, North, Benchwarmers and Benchwarmers 2: Breaking Balls. Yes that’s an actual movie, though it’s already better than the first one for virtue of not having Rob Schnider and David Spade starring in it despite.. that title. The irony is not lost on me that Lovitz has essentially made his money starring in the kinds of films Jay was forced to see for his job.  Still a VERY talented, very lovely man.

Before we get to our next voice actor up, no profile of Jon would be complete without mentioning that time he slammed Andy Dick’s face into a bar. To make a very long story short, Lovitz was friends with the late great Phil Hartman, who even did some voice work for this very show, whose wife who had severe drug and mental ilness killed them both. Phil had told Lovitz he saw Dick give his wife cocaine, so after Phil’s tragic murder when Lovitz and Dick ended up on the same show, Lovitz ended up exploding at the guy out of grief and blamed him for her death, but later apologized like a gentleman.  Living up to his name though Dick later went up to Lovitz at a restraunt Lovitz owned and said “I’m giving you the Phil Hartman curse, you die next”. Granted he was drunk but still...

Naturally Lovitz banned the guy and Lovitz later demanded an apology when the two ran into each other when they ran into each other at Lovitz regular gig at the comed store. Dick not only refused to apologize even when Lovitz put him against a wall, but said it was because “you blamed me for her death”... which was a decade ago with change by this point, the actions of a man GREIVING for his best friend whose wife’s relapse you caused which inadveradntly lead to her and her husband’s death, and something HE APOLOGIZED FOR. Naturally Lovitz took this how you would and did what we’d all like to do in general and broke the shit out of his face and only didn’t do more because they were seperated. IN short this man is a hero and I wil lbring up this story at every opportunity.  Doris was played by the late voice actress Doris Grau, a script supervisor who worked on a LOT of films as one , the most notable I could find on wikipedia being Clue. This is a fact I just learned today but boy if it isn’t neat. Grau mostly did aditional voices for shows, most notably Ducktales and the Simpsons, where she played Lunchlady Doris, and of course this show. Still she seemed like a very funny and talented woman and it’s sad she’s gone.  The two start the series mostly sniping at each other and while that never ENTIRELY goes away, Doris gets more supportive after a spotlight episode where she and Jay bond and Jay thinks she might be his mom. And while she’s not this surprisingly sticks and for the rest of the series while still not above making potshots at him on occasion, she’s far more supportive. She also informs him she’s out of spray on hair “I’m bald and ugly, get more!”. This show is naturally comedy gold and a lot of it relies on Lovitz sense of timing, though the rest of the cast aren’t slouches but we’ll get to them as we go.  She ends up putting a hat over him and we get our first film parody, Rabbi PI starring Anuld, which is alright. Not one of the series best but passable and gets the gimmick of having film parodies on jay’s show across, which was a nice way to set it apart from the Simpsons. Jay reviews it on the Shermometor, a gimmick jay hates and that disappeared by season 2, giving it a bellow zero to the ire of his boss Duke Phillips.  Duke is one of the best parts of the show, an unhinged southren billlonare who was a modeled after Ted Turner, down to the mustache, who built up his fried chicken franchise into a multimedia congrlomorate and is also mildly nuts, though that part would be more of a thing in season 2. In season 1, he’s mostly there to make Jay’s life hell, with about half of the seasons episodes having him either fire jay or put his job in jeapordy versus 2 the next season. He’s still not unfunny, but most of his best stuff is in season 2 when Charles Napier’s allowed to cut loose a little more and the character wasn’t shoehorned into just being a clueless executive.  Charles Napier is a longtime character actor who showed up in TONS of films and tv shows too many to list.. and trust me with some of the lists of credits before and after this that’s saying something, his biggest voice rolls being in this series and Men and Black the Series as Zed. But needless to say he was ALWAYS this awesome and sadly passed in 2011.  Jay’s guest for the day is Valerie Fox, an up and coming actress whose first film kiss of death is coming out soon.. and whose age is an engima and it’s only a problem because if she’s 20, like the episode mildly suggests giving her starting career and her voice actress being that age, then this gets really gross as jay is 17 years older than her then. But given she looks older than that and sounds certainly older than that, i’m going more with 30, since she looks more like it, and sharon stone, who she’s mildly based on given she stars in a basic instinct knockoff and does the leg thing, was 32 at the time of basic instinct.  Valerie is voiced by Jennifer Lien, aka Kes from star trek voyager who I only know about because of reviews done by SF Debris and Allison Pregler. She was the childlike love intrest of Nelix, the ship’s resident pain in the audience asses who made them BEG for early seasons wesley crusher and who once, and I saw footage this wasn’t SF Debris exagreated, lunged at a crewmate in a jealous rage, unfounded by the way since Tom was AVOIDING kes depsite being attracted to her as he just wnated her to be happy and to not mess up her relationshpi, and screamed “i’ll kill you!”. Point is she hasn’t had a huge career, but was still worth noting and does a fantastic job here. Again I did not realize she was that young at the time by her voice, and that means she did a great job. 

So Jay’s smitten with her, finds her super attractive and she asks him out.. but to the show’s credit, and Jay’s he does try to rebuff her because he knows ther’es a conflict of intrest there.. but ends up giving in. However at least the show not only is upfront that there’s an issue here but that ends up being the thrust of the last act. Granted there’s still some.. questionable stuff like when she does the basic instinct leg cross and he says “can we get a shot of that”, which no.. Jay.. no you can’t. Ewwww. Seen far worse, like It’s Pat, which was a VERY real SNL sketch about people trying to guess the titular pat’s gender because that’s not creepy or invasive even for the time. And they made a movie out of it because Wayne’s World was popular forgetting that Wayne’s World, one of my faviorite movies by the way and one I need to cover here sometime this year now the thought’s occured to me, was a labor of love, with a talented director and actual ideas from it’s two leads who actually fleshed out the character versus a concept that was NEVER funny to begin with and has gotten down right horrifying with age. And wasn’t I talking about the Critic? Not the abusive jackass mind you, Jay Sherman. 

Ah yes so Jay takes Valerie to a date at Lane Riche, the rich jackass where we meet Vlada, a vaugely european man whose your typical hollywood suckup. As Jay puts it in a later episode  Vlada: I love you too Jay: You only love my money Vlada: That’s true but it is a love that will never die.  He also naturally scoots Jay to a less nice table in the Critic’s section once Conan O’Brian shows up... which WAS supposed to be a different kind of joke, as at the time Conan was just a writer on the simpsons and SNL, but now given he has a decades long career in late night and famously said fuck you to NBC during that whole Tonight Show debacle, which netted him his own show on TBS, it comes off more as the kind of self deprciating gag Conan makes about himself. So in other words it’s actually funnier now? 

As for the critic’s section that’s a part of the series I’ve neglected to talk about so let’s do that: The kind of critic Jay is, one who plays clips of the movie and reviews them.. on television. And were usually academics who looked down on popular film, the kind Siskel and Ebert popularized, and both suprisingly had a huge guest apperance in season 2 and even reviewed the show on their show. This kind of film criticism just dosen’t exist on tv that i’m aware of anymore, and mostly lives on with internet reviewers , many of whom were inspiried by critics like this, and who range from acadmeics to average joes to some mixture of both. It never went away just simply went to a younger generation. Some of which squandred it and somehow still have a career like certain abusuive jackasses i’ve mentioned enough with that one gag a few paragraphs ago. Point is it’s a much more varied and different game now so the critic ended up as one of those shows or movies where the main characters very job feels like an artifact of it’s time, like our heroes in Wayne’s World hosting a public acess show, when nowadays they’d just put it up on youtube or the entire idea of a UHF station in well.. UHF. It’s not a BAD thing, just something to note. 

But the date goes well as Valerie shows she’s really into jay and even takes him oggling her in stride, though we do get an utter classic of a gag when Jay says something about women being drawn to him.. and cue an old woman asking to rub his nonexistant hump for luck “You hunchbacks are all alike”. She does so anyway to his understandable annoyance. 

But the two go back to Jay’s place, talk about his acomplishments including a pulitzer and then well.. the obvious happens they go to bed together and the next day after Valerie is horrified at his just woke up fac,e he gives her an easy out but she’s fine with it. It honestly shows just how low the poor guy’s self esteem is that he just.. assumes a woman will regret having slept with hima nd walk out and while played for laughs it really gives a clear look into Jay’s mental state: He’s so full of self loathing, not helped by the world being out to get him, that it’s really oddly endearing. And VERY releatable.  The two are interupted by Jay’s son Marty. Marty is played by the very recognizable and very wonderful Christine Cavanagh, who sadly passed away in 2014. She voiced Chuckie Finster, Gosalyn Mallard, Oblina, Dexter from Dexter’s Lab and the titular pig from Babe. She decided to retire in 2001, so while her career was only about a decade she made quite the impact and is sorely missed. Unsuprisingly her usual voice is perfect for the very awkward Marty, who Jay asks to tell eveyrone about the beautiful woman in his bed especially his unfaithful and utterly loathsome ex wife ardith. 

This scene demonstrates two problems. The first is just the pilot as Jay’s kind of sleazy. While Jay being thirsty wouldn’t go away, especially in the episode Lady Hawke, it’d be made more awkwardly endearing. Here there are moments of him just plain being creepy like the aformentioned oggling, which while not bad in itself, if a bit awkawrd, also has him creepily muttering to himself while doing so which removes any charm or relatability and just sends it straight into needing 10 showers just to wash this scene off. The rest of the series would just turn him into a bit desperate at worst.  It also explains why the only other romantic story the guy has in the season is a pastiche of misery. Thanfully this would be GREATLY adjusted next season but we’ll get to that. 

The other problem is just the tone... we get a good half a minute of Marty talking about how he calls Ardith’s boyfriend “Uncle Al” because he likes him a lot.. to his dad’s face. And granted his dad is being creeptastic this episode but the early episodes just pile on the Jay hatred by the world a bit thick, to the point one episode puts him as “worse than hitler”. Granted the audience is full of idiot teens who have no idea who hitler is, and the gag is kinda funny, but it makes my point: Jay is just utterly shat on by the world, and while he does get a few wins, most are undercut by something awful and it gets taxing sometimes. The guy is just too loveably pathetic to hate, too relatable even as a teen and not snobish enough to be really loathsome or WANT to see him knocked down by the world. It’s not overwhelming enough to ruin the first season, it still has good episodes but this episode does highlight a LOT of these problems.  He does get to spend the day with val though, dancing outside the trump buliding, seriously even back then he was a joke and his lack of money half the time was well known.. how did the last four years happen, and they tell each other they love each other. I’d aww if I didn’t know how this ended.  So jay relates the good news of how he feels to his best friend, Jeremy Hawke, played by Maurice LaMarche. LaMarche is one of the most talented voice actors alive, a master of impersonations paticuarlly orson welles, who was naturally brought on board because they knew they were going to need a lot of celebrity voices for the film parodies and needed one or two guys to do them to keep it cheap. The guy is like most of this cast a legend in the industry, having voiced the Brain, Squit, Dizzy Devil, the Human Ton, Big Bob Pataki, Egon Spengler, Sleet,  Kiff Kroker, Headless Body of Agnew, Morbo, Various other Futurama characters because that list is long, Mortimer Mouse, Blue Falcone, Father, Yosemite Sam, Vincent Van Ghoul, Doctor Doom, Abradolf Lincler, and Odval. Point is the guy has been engranged in my childhood and adulthood and will probably even after he’s gone come back from the grave to do some voices. He even got the part of Jeremy Hawke here because he happened to do a REALLY good australian accent depsite not being australian. Jeremey was a combination of paul hogan, the star of the Crocodile Dundee movies and at the time sex symbol and at this time known anti semite Mel Gibson. Obviously neither of those refrences has aged paticuarlly well, but since hollywood ALWAYS has room for a super hunk from australia, just ask Chris Hemsworth or before him Hugh Jackman, the character still works and his breakout role, Crocodile Ghandi is so ludcrious it works. I.e. a white australian man playing the mahtma and saying before he brings peace “First a tasteful shot of my bum for the ladies. Jeremy, while sometimes increidbly oblvious, is still a fairly nice easygoing guy and an extremley loveable character. And whie Jay worries about Valrie meeting him because he’s sex on a cracker she ignores him and jay gloats for a bit, paticuarlly with the great bit “take your genatalia right back to australia”. And while Jeremy’s happy for him he tries to reign Jay in when Jay talks asking her to marry him.  As Jeremy later relates on Jay’s fire escape “Bubala, i’ve learned there’s two things you should never do: Marry an actress and wear blackface to the naacp image awards. Two things I found out the hard way. “

So Jay takes her to meet his parents and finds out he’s adopted.. and their also rich. Jay’s waspy parents are his cold and overly honest mother Elanor, played by  Judith Ivey, his kooky dad and THE best part of the series Franklin played by Gerrit Grahm and his loving and free spirited teenager sister Margo played by Nancy Cartwright.  Okay (cracks knuckles) here. we. go. Judith Ivey is a tony wining stage actress and has also directed numerous plays and is mostly known for her stage work but I know her from Designing Women where she played BJ in the last season. Garret Grahm apparently shows up in a lot of brian depalma movies, including Beef in phantom of the paradise, a lot of tv work and to my shock the asshole dad from Child’s Play 2. Another thing I genuinely love I wasn’t aware an actor or actress from this series had a part in.  Finally there’s Nancy Cartwright, who you DEFINTELY know from the Simpsons, where she plays Bart, along with Nelson, Ralph, Kearny, Database, and Maggie, and Kearny. Other credits include Pistol Pete, Mindy from Animaniacs, Chuckie Finster picking up for Christine Cavanagh ironically enough, Lu and Rufus from Kim Possible. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad sh’es still around. Whew. 

Okay so yeah I do love the shermans and fraknlin is again easily the best part of an already excellent series and unlike Duke that’s in full display here, with him saying, when his wife mentions they were going to give jay back at one time, “Son if I’ve said it once I said it a thousand times.. who are all you people. “ and he’d only get better. Sadly he’s NOT in sherman woman and child. Our loss really. But he’s in pretty much every other episode of season 2 thankfully and most of this season so eh, fair trade off. Also we get the classic line, after Jay says he’ll love valrie even when he’s decaying in the ground, his mom quips “Cna’t we go one meal without talking about your rotting corpse?” Though Eleanor understandably thinks Valarie is using jay for a good review. Margo suspects her of the same and takes her on a horse ride, though all she can gleam is that Val genuielly loves jay and welcomes her to the family.  Jay however does decide to duck out of the inteview by faking sick, which leads to a really sweet moment where Valerie visits him and they dance, in a hilaroius but oddly sweet parody of Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and King Dork. Despite the title and the song insluting him a LOT it’s still just endearing. This is a problem but we’ll get to in just a moment WHY all these touching moments are a problem.  So naturally things don’t go that well for Jay as Duke has a tape of the film sent to him “My shrink was right: GOd does hate me!”

Naturally kiss of death is bad and valrie is bad in it and Jay is left uncertain what to do, but eventually decides he has to do what he feels is right,.. though he does take a picture of her while she’s sleeping. “In case you do leave”

So in a tender and heartbreaking moment Jay is honest, the movie does suck and she’s not good but he does compliment her, for her personality not her body despite his skeevy behavior and say she could get better. Instead when he arrives home.. she dumps him to his face and leaves never to be seeen again while he assumes she’ll come back. And that’s the issue it’s GENUINELY hard to tell if we’re supposed to side with Jay. On one hand he genuinely loves her and does the right thing and on the oth er he’s kinda creepy. It’s a mixed tone that just sorta hurts thing and something the series DID fix after this, as it found a better ballance of the guy being pitable while also still being an ass and ONLY usually being punished when he does something actually wrong, the only exception being Dial M for MOther which is easily the weakest episode of the series. The episode does close on a really funny moment as Jay’s dispondent because “I’m sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I don’t knwo where to direct it”. Marty mentions a new Sylvester Stallone movie where “He plays a concert pianst who” And jay dosen’t even need the rest of that to shout “To the multiplex!” The man is back

Final Thoughts for Pilot: This episode is not bad. It has it’s flaws as I said, mostly in tone, but the series would iron that out and it’s still a great pilot that organically introduces the entire main cast in one episode and really gives us the full idea of who Jay Sherman is. It’s also REALLY funny, as the series should be and it would get better, but i’d still put it over some more awkward first episode like Letterkenny’s “No Reaosn to Get Excited”, even with it’s brilliant ending or Bojack Horseman’s first episode  whose title is way too long to put here in an article that’s already long as hell about about to get longer. But like those series this pilot worked pass the awkwardness and the result is a damn good series. but if you want a better idea of what it became.. wellllllll

Sherman, Woman and Child: So yeah as you can tell JSUT by contrasting images a few things were changed up between seasons, part of it at network instance. The designs were softened , the color palette was brightened with jay being the most noticably alterted between seasons. 

The execs wanted jay a bit warmer, so his face was given wider more expressive eyes and was also scrucnehd down a bit. He was also made slightly less of a jackass, with his elitisim toned down a bit and his creepeir moments gone. For instance he no longer had a split personality/imaginary secretary named ethel. That was actually a thing. It didn’t even really change Jay as a person, this very episode mentions him not liking the Lion King, and he’s still snooty, he’s jusst not as punchable about it and that was for the best.  But the cringe comedy in general was taken down a peg and replaced with more fun weirdness, which wihle present in season 1 really pops more here, especially with Jay’s dad who sadly dosen’t show up in this episode, but at various points dresses up like El Kabong, puts on the mask from the mask (”He did the same thing at Nixon’s funeral”), and blows up famous works of art while babysitting. But yeah things get a bit more surreal like the simpsons from season 4 onward, ironically enough given these guys left to make their own show, and it’s to the show’s benefit. 

But besides a lighter tone, they also wanted two things to hook viewers in: A permenant love intrest for Jay, and an adorable kid character. The former.. was acutlaly quite resonable, as i’td both give jay a “win” as it were, allow the cast to have another femlae character and give him someone else to confide in besides Doris or Jeremy, to give those characters a break. The other was less so and we’ll get into why when we meet her. 

This episode really is a second pilot, reintroducing about half of the main cast. Marty, Elanor, Margo and as I said Franklin are all absent. But their reintroduced soon enough with the fourth episode in both broadcast and dvd order, and my personal faviorite “A Song for Margo, is entirely focused on Jay’s parents and sister, while Lady Hawke has marty breifly at the start for broadcast order and he’s in the frmaing device for Sherman of Arabia in dvd order. So the characters all get a proper reintroduction to new audiences, but it was the right call to NOT shove them into this one, still introducing new people to the new cast, but letting the two new additions to it breathe and get properly intergrated into this universe.. well more Alice than Penny but we’ll get to that. It’s part of why, besides the genuine extra coat of polish aand seasonal changes I feel this is the better episode. 

So we open with Jay on his show and two parodies in a row. The first is a few good men but with Jack Nichelson making fun of Christan Slater for sounding like him even though. they honestly aren’t too similar other than both doing that pause thing a bit. So yeah not their best but the second segment makes up for it “The Nightmare Before Channukah” a parody of the nightmare before christmas that was so beautifully animated and funny, that they actually bumped it up to the season premiere.  But while the parodies are good Jay’s show is once again, this happened a LOT in season one, in jeapordy, being beaten by the Benedictine monk variety hour. Which while the Bendictine Monks are VERY much an artifact of the 90′s a choir of monks that somehow went mainstream, the whole segment is so absurd and wonderful it stands on it’s own and is still funny to me in 2021. Duke comes in anda fter trying to softball things shows the change I mentioned: He’s actually sorry the show is in danger and is genuinely sincere that he’s sad he’ll probably have to cancel it versus season 1 where he was ready to cancel it what felt like every other episode. And I prefer this, where he can still mess with jay or flex his power over him, but is more cordial with the guy and it allows more jokes between the two. 

So Jay’s not doing so good.. and during his crappy day he spots a 30 something woman and her young daughter struggling in the rain and stops his cab to help. And gets maced for it “MMM, Jalapeno”. Though Alice does apologize and Jay does understand as it is New York and she graciously takes the offer. It’s in the cab their properly introduced. Aliice thompkins and her daughter penny who in a great bit punches jay in the nose for not liking the lion king (”rex reed did the same thing”) and then kissing him on the nose in apology (”Rex did that too” And he acompanies them in.. and also gets conked on the head by a potted plant and put in a materinity dress. 

So we get to know Alice and what her deal is: Alice was once married to and supported the career of country star Cyrus Thompkins who was.. less than subtle in his music about how faithful he was

Easily one of my favorite gags of the series if in part for Pat Overall’s delivery. So she moved from Knoxville to New York to prove to her daughter a woman can make it on her own, and proves she’s smart, talented and driven she just needs a break. She seemingly gets one in a man in a bright white outfit who says “this is your ticket out of this rundown flophouse” only for him to cheerfully exclaim “Your being evicted!”... PFFFTT. Cue where the commerical would be

So during this lull in the action let’s talk about Alice and Penny’s voice actresses: Alice is voiced by Park Overall, though for some weird reason I thought she was voiced by Hollly Hunter. Dunno why. Park is an outspoken liberal, supporting my boy bernie sanders in 2016 and in general seems like a fascenating lady. Naturally like with Jay’s parents I know her from something more oddly specific, the sitcom Reba, as I did not realize she voiced alice depsite using a similar voice for her character there, Reba’s best friend Lori Ann.. And while Park TRIED her best.. the character didn’t work out: a combination of it being simply funnier that barbra jean tried to wedge herself into the roll and the fact Reba really didn’t need a horny abrasive sidekick meant the charcter had a very short shelf life and the audience had very low patience for her.  I did like her constnatly insulting Brock as he was not a good person andi t was nice SOMEONE besides Reba actually got to roast him on a regular basis. 

Penny was voiced by the one and only Russi Taylor, who sadly passed in 2019. She voiced Huey Dewey and Louie, Webby Vanderquack, Minnie Mouse, Fantasma, the imcomprable martin prince...

Among tons of smaller rolls. She’s sadly missed. We’ll get more into what they add or subtract from the show in a minute, as the next day at work Jay wonders how to help, though Duke’s interjection gives us two great gags: his “30 second workout” which involvees throwing jay around like a medicine ball and.. well this. 

The man is a legend for a reason. He earned that golden statue. So Jay TRIES slipping alice the money only to give it “To my good friend crazy postman”, and Alice refuses the money due to pride.. even if you know, she has a small child and new york is expensive but Jay finds a better solution, hire her.. even if it’d make it impossible for them to date. For all of one episode. What keeps the power dynamics from feeling EUGUUUUGGHH here is that Jay treats alice like an equal partner at work and dosen’t let their relationship really impact things outside of one episode, and dosen’t use his position to get into a relationship with her nor does she use being responsible for a turn in his fortune for hers. 

And yes turn in fortune, as a makeover and a change of attidue under Alice’s direction, which is utterly amazing to watch and wow’s duke and hte audience, wins back his fans and his job is secure. Duke meets alice and we get more great duke stuff. including something truly iconic...

I want bears who sing for me, doo dah, doo dah. But yeah things are well though Jay ends up admitting to Jeremy he can’t stop thinking about her “Her merest smile is like pedals of the empreror’s bathwater, BATHWATER I TELL YOU BATHWATER. “ So Jeremey encourages him carpe canum “Seize the dog”. He does so.. and the day but instead finds Alice with her ex Cyrus whose trying to win her back. Wuh oh.  Once the asshole leaves, and agrees to give her the night to think, Alice admits the only reason she’s considering it is she has a weakness: his singing melts her like butter on a bagle (”God i’ve been in new york too long”. )  Jay tries to talk her out of it at the critics meeting for “Dennis the Meance II Society” which involves Dennis pulling a drivebye on mr wilson.. why wasn’t this the second live action dennis the meance movie? WHY I ASK YOU. But Jay gets a good idea, as Alice TRIES to tell the asshole to get to stepping (And to see penny often, she’s not a monster), he works his evil song magic.. only for Jay to undercut it with his own amazing song on acordian. “Cyrus is just a virus, he wants to tie you down while your still young. Your potetial, is what’s essential, you could someday be another connie chung!” And that ultiamtely shows WHY jay is the better man. He just wants what’s best for her and dosen’t care if it’s him, he just wants it not to be THIS asshole. He’s not even trying to win her over, which a lot of these gestures creepily lead to. He just wants to help her be who she’s MEANT to be. And that’s why this works better: Instead of a fake relationship built on lust and someone conning the other person, it’s a real one built on genuine chemistry. Also Alice you know dosen’t just.. vanish after an episode but is a permenant part of the cast. I mean she does for the webisodes but we don’t talk about those. 

So our hero undercuts Cyrus one more time  Cyrus: “Loverrrr, without you there’s no other” Jay: Give him a chance he’ll do your mother....

I mean he’s not worng, So Cyus is sent packing and we get a nice romantic moment between the two. 

Final Thoguhts: Sherman, Woman and Child This one is truly excellent. It relaunchs the show on all cyllanders. And frankly Alice was a fine addition to the cast: her own fully fleshed out woman with her own personality outside of jay, who was tough, smart and a good counterpoint and confidant to Jay and it felt like she’d always fit. Penny on the other hand, apologizes to the late Russi Taylor who tries her best, just dosen’t work and feels ultra cloying and out of place in the series and unspurisingly is barely used after this. But overall a better pilot than the actual pilot was already pretty good and a fine pair of episodes. Check em out whenever the series eithe rgets on a streaming platform or pops back up on youtube as Sony’s struck it down... despite not putting it up anywhere i’m aware of. Seriously sell it to HBO Max or Disney I want a reboot. But for now this series is awesome check it out and until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

[xhxhxhx]

Saw something in the further reading section of Michael Kulikowski’s Imperial Tragedy (Profile, 2019) today:

There are countless books on the fall of the western Roman empire, and more appear annually, with variable scholarly trappings but nearly all quite conventional. Still, ripping yarns and neo-Victorian analyses can be found in any bookshop. So, for those so inclined, can thinly disguised nativist tracts on how immigration (and ‘immigrant violence’) brought down the empire. To name names would be invidious.

I thought this was a dig at Peter Heather, Professor of Medieval History at King’s College London and author of The Fall of the Roman Empire (Oxford, 2005) and Empires and Barbarians (Oxford, 2009), so I looked it up and discovered that not only was I right, but Kulikowski has serious beef with the guy:

Peter Heather has been fiercely criticized by members of the so-called Toronto School of History. Michael Kulikowski, who belongs to this group, has accused Heather of neo-romanticism and of wishing "to revive a biological approach to ethnicity". Kulikowski claims that Heather "manifests a clear methodological affinity" to the 19th-century writer of the Goths Henry Bradley.

But Kulikowki’s beef is nothing next to the righteous fury of Guy Halsall, Professor of History at the University of York:

Guy Halsall has identified Peter Heather as the leader of a "counter-revisionist offensive against more subtle ways of thinking" about the Migration Period. Halsall accuses this group, which is strongly associated with University of Oxford, of "bizarre reasoning" and of purveying a "deeply irresponsible history". Halsall writes that Heather and the Oxford historians have been responsible for "an academic counter-revolution" of wide importance, and accuses them of deliberately contributing to the rise of "far-right extremists".

Halsall got so mad at Heather, first at the 2011 Leeds International Medieval Conference and then online, at his blog, that he threatened to leave academia entirely:

Well, it's more or less a year since I started doing this blogging lark 'seriously' (the inverted commas are obviously necessary).  And, as they say, what a roller-coaster of a year it's been.  I've shut down the blog twice, brought it back twice, come to the verge of formal complaints being sent to my university twice (once justifiably, once most certainly not), lost at least one friend, lost 99% of the respect I had for someone I had hitherto held in high esteem, quite possibly lost the chance of a job I wanted because of this blog, taken some pretty visceral abuse, and so on.  All good fun!

On the other hand I have learnt some lessons.  One is that even bastards have feelings.  Another is that if you have twenty-odd followers and maybe 100 hits a day, that (allowing for hits from people looking for something else, like Elizabeth Kostova's novel The Historian or ever-popular balding guitarist The Edge) does not mean that  only twenty or thirty people in the whole wide world read your blog.   Thus you need to be a bit more careful about what you say and how you say it.  I've also learnt that eminent historians don't always read what you write very carefully, and just how deeply-ingrained the elitist culture of the British historical profession is, as well as just how few principles are actually held by the overwhelming majority of the practitioners of said profession.  And this in response to something that I actually thought long and hard about how I wrote.

And as a result of all this I have realised that no good is going to come of me continuing to smack my head against the glass ceiling that those of us not from 'a particular socio-educational background' (you know the one) eventually run up against.  I have instead come to the decision, essentially, to give up on it and 'seek my fortune' elsewhere than in the confines of the academic career-path, as it is now constructed in the UK at any rate.*  I'm actually quite excited about this as I think it offers a lot of possibilities, creatively and ethically.  It's been a liberating decision.  Those of you who know that I set most store by the writings of those co-opted into the canon of the existentialists (almost none of whom ever called themselves by that name) will appreciate exactly why I am proud of this decision.

To some extent it makes up for the bad faith I showed in backing down and removing my post on why it matters to get angry about the lazy and irresponsible (indeed, yes, just downright knuckle-headed) way in which some historians in and/or produced by our most prestigious Thames Valley-based university write about politically and socially sensitive topics like migrations.

Halsall ultimately sanitized the 2011 IMC paper that started the war with Heather --  the neutered version is still up on his blog -- but the original was apparently quite something:

Perhaps unsurprisingly for those who’ve heard him speak or read him on the Internet, this was the one that really started the war. [Edit: and, indeed, some changes have been made to these paragraphs by request of one of those involved.] The consequences, if not of this actual speech, at least of its subsequent display on the Internet, have been various, unpleasant and generally regrettable, and I don’t want any of them myself.

Thankfully, the purged parts of the original were reproduced by some noble soul on the Civilization Fanatics forums before they were lost to the ages:

Thus we can have Ward-Perkins’ sneering parody of late antiquity studies and Peter Heather’s distortions of counter-arguments. In many people’s minds the choices before us are evidently, either, that nothing happened, or, that there was a huge catastrophe caused entirely by invading barbarians. Obviously this is not the case. Plenty of people other than me -- most famously, Walter Pohl -- have written about serious, dramatic change happening in the fifth century without blaming it on the barbarians and without denying that there were migrations in the fifth century. Yet this -- if I dare call it such -- third way seems nevertheless to be very much a minority position.

But I am not convinced that a simple lack of exposure to sensible alternatives really explains the continuing, fanatical devotion to the idea of the barbarian migrations, especially outside the academy.

I have recently said that:

“When a British historian places an argument that the Roman Empire fell because of the immigration of large numbers of barbarians next to arguments that the end of Rome was the end of civilisation and that we need to take care to preserve our own civilisation, when another British historian writes sentences saying “the connection between immigrant violence and the collapse of the western Empire could not be more direct” [a direct quote from Peter Heather’s Empires and Barbarians (Oxford, 2009)], and especially when the arguments of both involve considerable distortions of the evidence to fit their theories, one cannot help but wonder whether these authors are wicked, irresponsible or merely stupid.”

Obviously, these are not mutually exclusive alternatives.

Are these writers setting themselves up as ideologues of the xenophobic Right or have they simply not realised the uses to which such careless thinking and phrasing can be put? You can draw your own conclusions, although it is worth noting that Ward-Perkins has been happy enough to write on this subject for the neo-liberal magazine Standpoint, which regularly publishes pieces attacking multiculturalism. There comes a point when one has to admit that actually the most charitable explanation for all this really is that these writers are simply a bit dim.

Outside academic circles, it is certainly the case that the adhesion to the idea of barbarian invasion has a heavily right-wing political dimension. Apart from the barbarians’ role as metaphor, already discussed, it is worth, very briefly, thinking about the other reasons why people are so ready to pin the blame on the barbarians. Slavoj Zizek’s Lacanian analysis of antisemitism provides some valuable ways forward. Essentially, the barbarian, like the figure of the Jew, acts as a screen between the subject and a confrontation with the Real, which Zizek sees, slightly differently from Lacan, as the pre-symbolised; things that haven’t been or can’t or won’t be encompassed in a world view. Zizek showed that arguments that “the Jews aren’t like that” are almost never effective against anti-Semites because what real Jews (or actual immigrants, one might say) are like is not the point. Similarly, arguments about the empirical reality of the fifth-century cut little weight with those wedded to the idea of Barbarian Invasion. Just as the anti-Semite takes factual evidence as more proof of the existence of the international Zionist conspiracy, the right-wing devotee of the Barbarian Invasions sees factual counter-arguments as manifestations of the liberal, left-wing academy peddling its dangerous multicultural political correctness. I have read a great deal of this on internet discussion lists -- including a review of my own book, and one of James O’Donnell’s! Michael Kulikowski received a similarly-phrased review from a right-wing academic ancient historian.

The barbarian is the classic “subject presumed to”. The barbarian can change the world; he can bring down empires; he can create kingdoms. The barbarian dominates history. “He” is not like “us”, enmeshed in our laws, our little lives and petty responsibilities. The barbarians -- and you only need to read Peter Heather to see this -- are peoples with “coherent aims” (a quote), which they set out single-mindedly to achieve. No people in the whole of recorded human history have ever had single coherent sets of aims. Well -- none other than the barbarians anyway.

Halsall has never resiled from his belief that Heather was essentially a fascist, nor backed away from his commitment to resign from his post in righteous indignation -- maybe not in 2011, or 2019, but certainly by 2023 at the very latest:

My anger about all this is justly infamous but has been badly misrepresented.  I do think that some things are worth getting angry about, and the misuse of the Barbarian Migrations and the End of the Roman Empire to fuel xenophobia and racism, and the way some modern authors pander to this, is one such.  However, to look at the origins of this ire and animus, I invite you to compare my engagement with Peter Heather’s work in Barbarian Migrations, and its tone, with Heather’s engagement – if you can call it that – with my work, and its tone, in Empires and Barbarians.  I never expect to be agreed with; I do expect basic academic courtesy to be reciprocated.  If people see fit to treat me intellectually as a second-class citizen, the gloves will come off.  That may stem from my own biography as (unlike so many) a first-generation academic not educated at the 'right' schools and universities, but there we are.  I will be leaving the profession within the next four years (well done, guys) so I have nothing to lose by not apologising for that.

Kulikowski might have gotten in a good dig, but Halsall will always be a true master of the art of Being Mad Online.

[hudgenssource]

Vanessa Hudgens Harper’s Bazaar Malaysia Interview

BREAKING FREE

Growing up from a Disney icon to a gun-wielding heroine, American actress Vanessa Hudgens has come a long way since her ‘High School Musical’ days, Ahead of her upcoming Netflix film ‘Tick, Tick ... Boom’ and current action comedy ‘Bad Boys for Life’, the former teen star gets down to business, revealing her stance on feminism, growing up in Hollywood - and how she’s dealing with that social media controversy.

By Amy Yasmine. Photographed by Kat Irlin. Styled by Anna Katsanis

What a difference a day makes. In early March, American actress and singer Vanessa Hudgens posted a selfie of herself dressed in a risqué metallic Saint Laurent bustier, paired with barely-there hot pants, big curls, and red haute lips. With a caption that read “That good good. No it’s not Thursday”, one can only assume that she was referring to her weekly #ThirstyThursdays feel-good posts, a series of stylishly curated body-positive pin-ups that had become her personal “revenge-bod” indulgence since her high-profile break-up with actor, Austin Butler. It certainly didn’t take long for the picture to attract more than a million likes, breaking the Internet with hundred of web articles from the likes of E! Online  to The Daily Mail. “Thank you for blessing us with this”, commented Netflix’s Chilling Adventures of Sabrina actress Kiernan Shipka, while Pretty Little Liars actress Ashley Benson declared her love for her fellow Spring Breakers co-star. Little did anyone realise, that the selfie was in fact a behind-the-scene outtake from this exclusive Harper’s BAZAAR Malaysia cover shoot in sunny Los Angeles, shot on location amid lush palm trees and clear blue skies. It was indeed a much simpler time then: malls were packed with countless shoppers, yoga centres were running at full capacity, and rush hour traffic in major cities would last for hours on end. But in a blink of an eye, the world changes overnight, and nothing else was ever the same.

Suddenly, social distancing and self-isolation became the new norm, and in a matter of days, we started to question our own health, safety and sanity. Oddly enough, this conscious approach juxtaposed the resulting series of TikTok dance videos and Insta Live workouts as millions of subscribers were given carte blanche to become their own Insta celebrities.

For Vanessa, this translated into an IG LIve video which saw the Disney actress voice her opinions on the worldwide pandemic, culminating in a social media frenzy which incited many to lash against The Princess Switch star. Of course, just as soon as she had realised her mistake, Vanessa released a statement on Twitter, apologising for her misstep of judgement. “I’m so sorry for the way I have offended anyone and everyone who has seen the clip from my Instagram Live yesterday” she confessed. “I realise my words were insensitive and not at all appropriate for the situation our country and the world are in right now”.

“I think it’s important to remember that no one’s perfect” Vanessa responded in our interview, barely days after her bold comment on the ‘gram. “All we can do is learn from our mistakes ... so I keep charging on”. A testament to her unrelentless spirit, one which she had undoubtedly molded since her High School Musical era.

Indeed, the half-American and half-Filipina actress was 17 when she was casted as Gabriella Montez in the now-iconic Disney film. Within a year, her music recordings for the movie’s soundtrack went on to dominate the charts internationally, with “Breaking Free” a duet with former on-screen/off-screen love interest Zac Efron, hitting #4 on the US Billboard Hot 100 and #9 in the United Kingdom. Through the years, the multi-talented actress released a number of solo albums, from V in 2006 and Identified in 2008, while also being inducted into Forbes’s “High Earners Under 30″ list in 2008.

It isn’t just chick flicks and family specials that propelled her into superstardom. There’s another part of Vanessa that’s altogether badass and empowering, which shone through the less commercial yet thought-provoking projects, like the cult coming-of-age drama Thirteen by Catherine Hardwicke, and of course, Harmony Korine’s 2012  Spring Breakers, starring James Franco and Selena Gomez. Here, her seamless ability to go from fresh-faced-girl-next-door, to a gun-wielding temptress stood out the most. Naturally, this chameleonic prowess to switch from one polarised character to another, has certainly helped in paving the way for her latest endeavour in Broadway and latest film Bad Boys for Life, let alone her rise as not just a feminist symbol, but as a role model to young girls everywhere.

Surely, in a post #MeToo world and today’s current state of panic, sisterhood, compassion and humanity are needed, now more than ever. And with celebrity culture being blown out of proportion, perhaps, it is a time to reflect, and be present. After all, to quote Vanessa’s 2006 High School Musical hit, “We’re All In This Together”.

You’ve come a long way since High School Musical. How do you think that experience and growing up with fame, has shaped you personally and professionally?

It’s made me stronger. Growing up in the spotlight is difficult. But going through things publicly gave me thick skin. The industry is tough and I’m grateful for my strength

Since then, some of the films you’ve starred in, like Spring Breakers and Thirteen, highlight some controversial issues facing women today. How do you think such films reflect back on our current state of society at large?

It’s important to see films where things are taken too far and observe how it plays out. It’s really crucial to be faced with the question “Where do I stand on that?”. That’s how you build your own character and understanding about yourself.

How much of these kick-ass slash empowering narratives appeal to you as an actress, especially now that you’ve taken the role of a cop in Bad Boys for Life?

I’ve always dreamt of being a badass action babe. I remember seeing Angelina Jolie in Tomb Rider and thinking to myself, “I want to do that”. It’s important for girls to see woman kicking ass and being empowered.

What was it like working with iconic actors like Will Smith and Martin Lawrence?

It’s so fun being on a set when there is already such an established relationship between the main cast. Will and Martin are both are such kind individuals and they’re so collaborative. Will always made sure everyone was looked after and having a good time.

Has it been hard transitioning from a Disney icon, to a badass female actress?

The beginning was the toughest time, because all people knew of me was from High School Musical. I really had to put in the work to expand my résumé and be seen in a different light. But I enjoy the process. I’m playing all different types of characters and constantly challenging myself to take on something new.

In February, the photographer Claire Rothstein released a video featuring yourself and other prolific women on female empowerment. What is your take on feminism?

To me it’s about seeing yourself as someone you respect and being treated that way. There’s so many different opinions about how a woman should be, and I think the only opinion that matters is your own. There’s still so much work to do when it comes to equality and equal pay, but the conversation is loud and I think with continuing in that direction we will make a difference!

As a proud half-American half-Filipina, how much of your multicultural background informs the person you are today?

I’m sad to say I still haven’t been to the Philippines and I feel like a piece of me is missing because I’m not as connected to my heritage as I’d like. But I am very much my mother’s child and she was born and raised in the Philippines with not a lot to her name. Hearing her struggles and her instilling her faith and spirit into me are my grounding pillars. But I was born in the States and raised as an American. It’s nice to have a piece of both.

If you were to choose between acting and singing, which one would it be?

That’s so hard for me. I grew up doing musical theatre so to me they go hand-in-hand but if I HAD to choose I’d say acting. Telling stories and stepping into someone else’s shoes are my real passion.

Going into Broadway - which seems to be the right juggle between the two - how do you mentally prepare yourself with such feats?

Being on stage is like being at home to me. You do all the preparation in a safe space and then finally have that moment where you tell the story and have the audience right there to react to it. You can feel if they are into it or not. It’s such an intimate special connection you have with the audience when you’re on stage. I get such a thrill from it.

With so much going right now, how do you take the time to just #SelfLive?

I’ve been meditating a bit more recently. I think with all the noise it’s so important to take time to drop in to yourself and release all the baggage we carry. I’m also such a fan of a good face mask, a glass of wine, and watching a comedy in bed. Also, a good meal. Taking time with it and really experiencing all your senses with each bite.

Without a doubt, it’s been quite an emotional roller coaster for you these past few years. How do you keep yourself motivated after all that has happened?

I think it’s important to remember no one’s perfect. We all make mistakes and probably will keep making mistakes. All we can do is learn from them and try not to make the same mistake twice. I’m so passionate about what I do and living my best life because we only have one. I don’t want to look back and say what if, so I keep charging on.

One of the greatest things about you is your ability to keep it real. How do you manage to do that, especially in Hollywood?

I try to make it a point to actively keep my life real. I’ve been through a lot but still have so much life to live. I always try to take a step back and see the journey and feel deep gratitude for it. I think when you lead with gratitude it’s hard to become jaded.

Speaking of keeping it real, what’s your take on being sexy and confident in this day and age?

For me, when I feel confident and empowered by my femininity I feel like I can conquer whatever I set my mind to. There’s power in that. If you believe it, you can do it.

[hlupdate]

Harry Styles isn’t exactly dressed down for lunch. He’s got a white floppy hat that Diana Ross might have won from Elton in a poker game at Cher’s mansion circa 1974, plus Gucci shades, a cashmere sweater, and blue denim bell-bottoms. His nail polish is pink and mint green. He’s also carrying his purse — no other word for it — a yellow patent-canvas bag with the logo “Chateau Marmont.” The tough old ladies who work at this Beverly Hills deli know him well. Gloria and Raisa dote on him, calling him “my love” and bringing him his usual tuna salad and iced coffee. He turns heads, to put it mildly, but nobody comes near because the waitresses hover around the booth protectively.

He was just a small-town English lad of 16 when he became his generation’s pop idol with One Direction. When the group went on hiatus, he struck out on his own with his brash 2017 solo debut, whose lead single was the magnificently over-the-top six-minute piano ballad “Sign of the Times.” Even people who missed out on One Direction were shocked to learn the truth: This pinup boy was a rock star at heart.

A quick highlight reel of Harry’s 2019 so far: He hosted the Met Gala with Lady Gaga, Serena Williams, Alessandro Michele, and Anna Wintour serving an eyebrow-raising black lace red-carpet look. He is the official face of a designer genderless fragrance, Gucci’s Mémoire d’une Odeur. When James Corden had an all-star dodgeball match on The Late Late Show, Harry got spiked by a hard serve from Michelle Obama, making him perhaps the first Englishman ever hit in the nads on TV by a First Lady.

Closer to his heart, he brought down the house at this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony with his tribute to his friend and idol Stevie Nicks. “She’s always there for you,” Harry said in his speech. “She knows what you need: advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl.” He added, “She’s responsible for more running mascara — including my own — than all the bad dates in history.” (Backstage, Nicks accidentally referred to Harry’s former band as “’NSync.” Hey, a goddess can get away with that sort of thing.)

Harry has been the world’s It boy for nearly a decade now. The weirdest thing about him? He loves being this guy. In a style of fast-lane celebrity that takes a ruthless toll on the artist’s personality, creativity, sanity, Harry is almost freakishly at ease. He has managed to grow up in public with all his boyish enthusiasm intact, not to mention his manners. He’s dated a string of high-profile women — but he never gets caught uttering any of their names in public, much less shading any of them. Instead of going the usual superstar-pop route — en vogue producers, celebrity duets, glitzy club beats — he’s gone his own way, and gotten more popular than ever. He’s putting the finishing touches on his new album, full of the toughest, most soulful songs he’s written yet. As he explains, “It’s all about having sex and feeling sad.”

The Harry Charm is a force of nature, and it can be almost frightening to witness in action. The most startling example might be a backstage photo from February taken with one of his heroes, Van Morrison. You have never seen a Van picture like this one. He’s been posing for photos for 50 years, and he’s been refusing to crack a smile in nearly all of them. Until he met Harry — for some reason, Van beams like a giddy schoolgirl. What did Harry do to him? “I was tickling him behind his back,” Harry confides. “Somebody sent me that photo — I think his tour manager took it. When I saw it, I felt like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction opening the case with the gold light shining. I was like, ‘Fuck, maybe I shouldn’t show this to anyone.’”

In interviews, Harry has always tended to coast on that charm, simply because he can. In his teens, he was in public every minute and became adept at guarding every scrap of his privacy. But these days, he’s finding out he has things he wants to say. He’s more confident about thinking out loud and seeing what happens. “Looser” is how he puts it. “More open. I’m discovering how much better it makes me feel to be open with friends. Feeling that vulnerability, rather than holding everything in.”

Like a lot of people his age, he’s asking questions about culture, gender, identity, new ideas about masculinity and sexuality. “I feel pretty lucky to have a group of friends who are guys who would talk about their emotions and be really open,” he says. “My friend’s dad said to me, ‘You guys are so much better at it than we are. I never had friends I could really talk to. It’s good that you guys have each other because you talk about real shit. We just didn’t.’”

It’s changed how he approaches his songs. “For me, it doesn’t mean I’ll sit down and be like, ‘This is what I have for dinner, and this is where I eat every day, and this is what I do before I go to bed,’” he says. “But I will tell you that I can be really pathetic when I’m jealous. Feeling happier than I’ve ever been, sadder than I’ve ever been, feeling sorry for myself, being mad at myself, being petty and pitiful — it feels really different to share that.”

At times, Harry sounds like an ordinary 25-year-old figuring his shit out, which, of course, he is. (Harry and I got to know each other last year, when he got in touch after reading one of my books, though I’d already been writing about his music for years.) It’s strange to hear him talk about shedding his anxieties and doubts, since he’s always come across as one of the planet’s most confident people. “While I was in the band,” he says, “I was constantly scared I might sing a wrong note. I felt so much weight in terms of not getting things wrong. I remember when I signed my record deal and I asked my manager, ‘What happens if I get arrested? Does it mean the contract is null and void?’ Now, I feel like the fans have given me an environment to be myself and grow up and create this safe space to learn and make mistakes.”

We slip out the back and spend a Saturday afternoon cruising L.A. in his 1972 silver Jaguar E-type. The radio doesn’t work, so we just sing “Old Town Road.” He marvels, “‘Bull riding and boobies’ — that is potentially the greatest lyric in any song ever.” Harry used to be pop’s mystery boy, so diplomatic and tight-lipped. But as he opens up over time, telling his story, he reaches the point where he’s pitching possible headlines for this profile. His best: “Soup, Sex, and Sun Salutations.”

How did he get to this new place? As it turns out, the journey involves some heartbreak. Some guidance from David Bowie. Some Transcendental Meditation. And more than a handful of magic mushrooms. But mostly, it comes down to a curious kid who can’t decide whether to be the world’s most ardently adored pop star, or a freaky artiste. So he decides to be both.

Two things about English rock stars never change: They love Southern California, and they love cars. A few days after Harry proclaimed the genius of “Old Town Road,” we’re in a different ride — a Tesla — cruising the Pacific Coast Highway while Harry sings along to the radio. “Californiaaaaaa!” he yells from behind the wheel as we whip past Zuma Beach. “It sucks!” There’s a surprising number of couples along the beach who seem to be arguing. We speculate on which ones are breaking up and which are merely having the talk. “Ah, yes, the talk,” Harry says dreamily. “Ye olde chat.”

Harry is feeling the smooth Seventies yacht-rock grooves today, blasting Gerry Rafferty, Pablo Cruise, Hall and Oates. When I mention that Nina Simone once did a version of “Rich Girl,” he needs to hear it right away. He counters by blowing my mind with Donny Hathaway’s version of John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy.”

Harry raves about a quintessential SoCal trip he just tried: a “cold sauna,” a process that involves getting locked in an ice chamber. His eyelashes froze. We stop for a smoothie (“It’s basically ice cream”) and his favorite pepper-intensive wheatgrass shot. It goes down like a dose of battery acid. “That’ll add years to your life,” he assures me.

We’re on our way to Shangri-La studios in Malibu, founded by the Band back in the 1970s, now owned by Rick Rubin. It’s where Harry made some of the upcoming album, and as we walk in, he grins at the memory. “Ah, yes,” he says. “Did a lot of mushrooms in here.”

Psychedelics have started to play a key role in his creative process. “We’d do mushrooms, lie down on the grass, and listen to Paul McCartney’s Ram in the sunshine,” he says. “We’d just turn the speakers into the yard.” The chocolate edibles were kept in the studio fridge, right next to the blender. “You’d hear the blender going, and think, ‘So we’re all having frozen margaritas at 10 a.m. this morning.’” He points to a corner: “This is where I was standing when we were doing mushrooms and I bit off the tip of my tongue. So I was trying to sing with all this blood gushing out of my mouth. So many fond memories, this place.”

It’s not mere rock-star debauchery — it’s emblematic of his new state of mind. You get the feeling this is why he enjoys studios so much. After so many years making One Direction albums while touring, always on the run, he finally gets to take his time and embrace the insanity of it all. “We were here for six weeks in Malibu, without going into the city,” he says. “People would bring their dogs and kids. We’d take a break to play cornhole tournaments. Family values!” But it’s also the place where he has proudly bled for his art. “Mushrooms and Blood. Now there’s an album title.”

Some of the engineers come over to catch up on gossip. Harry gestures out the window to the Pacific waves, where the occasional nude revelry might have happened, and where the occasional pair of pants got lost. “There was one night where we’d been partying a bit and ended up going down to the beach and I lost all my stuff, basically,” he says. “I lost all my clothes. I lost my wallet. Maybe a month later, somebody found my wallet and mailed it back, anonymously. I guess it just popped out of the sand. But what’s sad is, I lost my favorite mustard corduroy flares.” A moment of silence is held for the corduroy flares.

Recording in the studio today is Brockhampton, the self-proclaimed “world’s greatest boy band.” Harry says hi to all the Brockhampton guys, which takes a while since there seem to be a few dozen of them. “We’re together all the time,” one tells Harry out in the yard. “We see each other all day, every day.” He pauses. “You know how it is.”

Harry breaks into a dry grin. “Yes, I know how it is.”

One Direction made three of this century’s biggest and best pop albums in a rush — Midnight Memories, Four and Made in the A.M. Yet they cut those records on tour, ducking into the nearest studio when they had a day off. 1D were a unique mix of five different musical personalities: Harry, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, and Liam Payne. But the pace took its toll. Malik quit in the middle of a tour, immediately after a show in Hong Kong. The band announced its hiatus in August 2015.

It’s traditional for boy-band singers, as they go solo and grow up, to renounce their pop past. Everybody remembers George Michael setting his leather jacket on fire, or Sting quitting the Police to make jazz records. This isn’t really Harry Styles’ mentality. “I know it’s the thing that always happens. When somebody gets out of a band, they go, ‘That wasn’t me. I was held back.’ But it was me. And I don’t feel like I was held back at all. It was so much fun. If I didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t have done it. It’s not like I was tied to a radiator.”

Whenever Harry mentions One Direction — never by name, always “the band” or “the band I was in” — he uses the past tense. It is my unpleasant duty to ask: Does he see 1D as over? “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t think I’d ever say I’d never do it again, because I don’t feel that way. If there’s a time when we all really want to do it, that’s the only time for us to do it, because I don’t think it should be about anything else other than the fact that we’re all like, ‘Hey, this was really fun. We should do this again.’ But until that time, I feel like I’m really enjoying making music and experimenting. I enjoy making music this way too much to see myself doing a full switch, to go back and do that again. Because I also think if we went back to doing things the same way, it wouldn’t be the same, anyway.”

When the band stopped, did he take those friendships with him? “Yeah, I think so,” he says. “Definitely. Because above all else, we’re the people who went through that. We’re always going to have that, even if we’re not the closest. And the fact is, just because you’re in a band with someone doesn’t mean you have to be best friends. That’s not always how it works. Just because Fleetwood Mac fight, that doesn’t mean they’re not amazing. I think even in the disagreements, there’s always a mutual respect for each other — we did this really cool thing together, and we’ll always have that. It’s too important to me to ever be like, ‘Oh, that’s done.’ But if it happens, it will happen for the right reasons.”

If the intensity of the Harry fandom ever seems mysterious to you, there’s a live clip you might want to investigate, from the summer of 2018. Just search the phrase “Tina, she’s gay.” In San Jose, on one of the final nights of his tour, Harry spots a fan with a homemade sign: “I’m Gonna Come Out to My Parents Because of You!” He asks the fan her name (she says it’s Grace) and her mother’s name (Tina). He asks the audience for silence because he has an important announcement to make: “Tina! She’s gaaaaay!” Then he has the entire crowd say it together. Thousands of strangers start yelling “Tina, she’s gay,” and every one of them clearly means it — it’s a heavy moment, definitely not a sound you forget after you hear it. Then Harry sings “What Makes You Beautiful.” (Of course, the way things work now, the clip went viral within minutes. So did Grace’s photo of Tina giving a loving thumbs-up to her now-out teenage daughter. Grace and Tina attended Harry’s next show together.)

Harry likes to cultivate an aura of sexual ambiguity, as overt as the pink polish on his nails. He’s dated women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality. On his first solo tour, he frequently waved the pride, bi, and trans flags, along with the Black Lives Matter flag. In Philly, he waved a rainbow flag he borrowed from a fan up front: “Make America Gay Again.” One of the live fan favorites: “Medicine,” a guitar jam that sounds a bit like the Grateful Dead circa Europe ’72, but with a flamboyantly pansexual hook: “The boys and girls are in/I mess around with them/And I’m OK with it.”

He’s always had a flair for flourishes like this, since the 1D days. An iconic clip from November 2014: Harry and Liam are on a U.K. chat show. The host asks the oldest boy-band fan-bait question in the book: What do they look for in a date? “Female,” Liam quips. “That’s a good trait.” Harry shrugs. “Not that important.” Liam is taken aback. The host is in shock. On tour in the U.S. that year, he wore a Michael Sam football jersey, in support of the first openly gay player drafted by an NFL team. He’s blown up previously unknown queer artists like King Princess and Muna.

What do those flags onstage mean to him? “I want to make people feel comfortable being whatever they want to be,” he says. “Maybe at a show you can have a moment of knowing that you’re not alone. I’m aware that as a white male, I don’t go through the same things as a lot of the people that come to the shows. I can’t claim that I know what it’s like, because I don’t. So I’m not trying to say, ‘I understand what it’s like.’ I’m just trying to make people feel included and seen.”

On tour, he had an End Gun Violence sticker on his guitar; he added a Black Lives Matter sticker, as well as the flag. “It’s not about me trying to champion the cause, because I’m not the person to do that,” he says. “It’s just about not ignoring it, I guess. I was a little nervous to do that because the last thing I wanted was for it to feel like I was saying, ‘Look at me! I’m the good guy!’ I didn’t want anyone who was really involved in the movement to think, ‘What the fuck do you know?’ But then when I did it, I realized people got it. Everyone in that room is on the same page and everyone knows what I stand for. I’m not saying I understand how it feels. I’m just trying to say, ‘I see you.’”

At one of his earliest solo shows, in Stockholm, he announced, “If you are black, if you are white, if you are gay, if you are straight, if you are transgender — whoever you are, whoever you want to be, I support you. I love every single one of you.” “It’s a room full of accepting people.… If you’re someone who feels like an outsider, you’re not always in a big crowd like that,” he says. “It’s not about, ‘Oh, I get what it’s like,’ because I don’t. For example, I go walking at night before bed most of the time. I was talking about that with a female friend and she said, ‘Do you feel safe doing that?’ And I do. But when I walk, I’m more aware that I feel OK to walk at night, and some of my friends wouldn’t. I’m not saying I know what it feels like to go through that. It’s just being aware.”

‘Man cannot live by coffee alone,” Harry says. “But he will give it a damn good try.” He sips his iced Americano — not his first today, or his last. He’s back behind the wheel, on a mission to yet another studio — but this time for actual work. Today it’s string overdubs. Harry is dressed in Gucci from head to toe, except for one item of clothing: a ratty Seventies rock T-shirt he proudly scavenged from a vintage shop. It says “Commander Quaalude.”

On the drive over, he puts on the jazz pianist Bill Evans — “Peace Piece,” from 1959, which is the wake-up tone on his phone. He just got into jazz during a long sojourn in Japan. He likes to find places to hide out and be anonymous: For his first album, he decamped to Jamaica. Over the past year, he spent months roaming Japan.

In February, he spent his 25th birthday sitting by himself in a Tokyo cafe, reading Haruki Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. “I love Murakami,” he says. “He’s one of my favorites. Reading didn’t really used to be my thing. I had such a short attention span. But I was dating someone who gave me some books; I felt like I had to read them because she’d think I was a dummy if I didn’t read them.”

A friend gave him Murakami’s Norwegian Wood. “It was the first book, maybe ever, where all I wanted to do all day was read this,” he says. “I had a very Murakami birthday because I ended up staying in Tokyo on my own. I had grilled fish and miso soup for breakfast, then I went to this cafe. I sat and drank tea and read for five hours.”

In the studio, he’s overseeing the string quartet. He has the engineers play T. Rex’s “Cosmic Dancer” for them, to illustrate the vibe he’s going for. You can see he enjoys being on this side of the glass, sitting at the Neve board, giving his instructions to the musicians. After a few run-throughs, he presses the intercom button to say, “Yeah, it’s pretty T. Rex. Best damn strings I ever heard.” He buzzes again to add, “And you’re all wonderful people.”

He’s curated his own weird enclave of kindred spirits to collaborate with, like producers Jeff Bhasker and Tyler Johnson. His guitarist Mitch Rowland was working at an L.A. pizza shop when Harry met him. They started writing songs for the debut; Rowland didn’t quit his job until two weeks into the sessions. One of his closest collaborators is also one of his best friends: Tom Hull, a.k.a. Kid Harpoon, a longtime cohort of Florence and the Machine. Hull is an effusive Brit with a heart-on-sleeve personality. Harry calls him “my emotional rock.” Hull calls him “Gary.”

Hull was the one who talked him into taking a course on Transcendental Meditation at David Lynch’s institute — beginning each day with 20 minutes of silence, which doesn’t always come naturally to either of them. “He’s got this wise-beyond-his-years timelessness about him,” Hull says. “That’s why he went on a whole emotional exploration with these songs.” He’s 12 years older, with a wife and kids in Scotland, and talks about Harry like an irreverent but doting big brother.

Last year, Harry was in the gossip columns dating the French model Camille Rowe; they split up last summer after a year together. “He went through this breakup that had a big impact on him,” Hull says. “I turned up on Day One in the studio, and I had these really nice slippers on. His ex-girlfriend that he was really cut up about, she gave them to me as a present — she bought slippers for my whole family. We’re still close friends with her. I thought, ‘I like these slippers. Can I wear them — is that weird?’

“So I turn up at Shangri-La the first day and literally within the first half-hour, he looks at me and says, ‘Where’d you get those slippers? They’re nice.’ I had to say, ‘Oh, um, your ex-girlfriend got them for me.’ He said, ‘Whaaaat? How could you wear those?’ He had a whole emotional journey about her, this whole relationship. But I kept saying, ‘The best way of dealing with it is to put it in these songs you’re writing.’”

True to his code of gallant discretion, Harry doesn’t say her name at any point. But he admits the songs are coming from personal heartbreak. “It’s not like I’ve ever sat and done an interview and said, ‘So I was in a relationship, and this is what happened,’” he says. “Because, for me, music is where I let that cross over. It’s the only place, strangely, where it feels right to let that cross over.”

The new songs are certainly charged with pain. “The stars didn’t align for them to be a forever thing,” Hull says. “But I told him that famous Iggy Pop quote where he says, ‘I only ever date women who are going to fuck me up, because that’s where the songs are.’ I said, ‘You’re 24, 25 years old, you’re in the eligible-bachelor category. Just date amazing women, or men, or whatever, who are going to fuck you up, and explore and have an adventure and let it affect you and write songs about it.’”

His band is full of indie rockers who’ve gotten swept up in Hurricane Harry. Before becoming his iconic drum goddess, Sarah Jones played in New Young Pony Club, a London band fondly remembered by a few dozen of us. Rowland and Jones barely knew anything about One Direction before they met Harry — the first time they heard “Story of My Life” was when he asked them to play it. Their conversation is full of references to Big Star or Guided by Voices or the Nils Lofgren guitar solo in Neil Young’s “Speakin’ Out.” This is a band full of shameless rock geeks, untainted by industry professionalism.

In the studio, while making the album, Harry kept watching a vintage Bowie clip on his phone — a late-Nineties TV interview I’d never seen. As he plays it for me, he recites along — he’s got the rap memorized. “Never play to the gallery,” Bowie advises. “Never work for other people in what you do.” For Harry, this was an inspiring pep talk — a reminder not to play it safe. As Bowie says, “If you feel safe in the area that you’re working in, you’re not working in the right area. Always go a little further into the water than you feel you are capable of being in. Go a little bit out of your depth. And when you don’t feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you’re just about in the right place to do something exciting.”

He got so obsessive about Joni Mitchell and her 1971 classic Blue, he went on a quest. “I was in a big Joni hole,” he says. “I kept hearing the dulcimer all over Blue. So I tracked down the lady who built Joni’s dulcimers in the Sixties.” He found her living in Culver City. “She said, ‘Come and see me,’” Hull says. “We turn up at her house and he said, ‘How do you even play a dulcimer?’ She gave us a lesson. Then she got a bongo and we were all jamming with these big Cheshire Cat grins.” She built the dulcimer Harry plays on the new album. “Joni Mitchell and Van Morrison, those are my two favorites,” he says. “Blue and Astral Weeks are just the ultimate in terms of songwriting. Melody-wise, they’re in their own lane.”

He’s always been the type to go overboard with his fanboy enthusiasms, ever since he was a kid and got his mind blown by Pulp Fiction. “I watched it when I was probably too young,” he admits. “But when I was 13, I saved up money from my paper route to buy a ‘Bad Motherfucker’ wallet. Just a stupid white kid in the English countryside with that wallet.” While in Japan, he got obsessively into Paul McCartney and Wings, especially London Town and Back to the Egg. “In Tokyo I used to go to a vinyl bar, but the bartender didn’t have Wings records. So I brought him Back to the Egg. ‘Arrow Through Me,’ that was the song I had to hear every day when I was in Japan.”

He credits meditation for helping to loosen him up. “I was such a skeptic going in,” he says. “But I think meditation has helped with worrying about the future less, and the past less. I feel like I take a lot more in—things that used to pass by me because I was always rushing around. It’s part of being more open and talking with friends. It’s not always the easiest to go in a room and say, ‘I made a mistake and it made me feel like this, and then I cried a bunch.’ But that moment where you really let yourself be in that zone of being vulnerable, you reach this feeling of openness. That’s when you feel like, ‘Oh, I’m fucking living, man.’”

After quite a few hours of recording the string quartet, a bottle of Casamigos tequila is opened. Commander Quaalude pours the drinks, then decides what the song needs now is a gaggle of nonsingers bellowing the chorus. “Muppet vocals” is how he describes it. He drags everyone in sight to crowd around the mics. Between takes, he wanders over to the piano to play Harry Nilsson’s “Gotta Get Up.” One of the choir members, creative director Molly Hawkins, is the friend who gave him the Murakami novel. “I think every man should read Norwegian Wood,” she says. “Harry’s the only man I’ve given it to who actually read it.”

It’s been a hard day’s night in the studio, but after hours, everyone heads to a dive bar on the other side of town to see Rowland play a gig. He’s sitting in with a local bar band, playing bass. Harry drives around looking for the place, taking in the sights of downtown L.A. (“Only a city as narcissistic as L.A. would have a street called Los Angeles Street,” he says.) He strolls in and leans against the bar in the back of the room. It’s an older crowd, and nobody here has any clue who he is. He’s entirely comfortable lurking incognito in a dim gin joint. After the gig, as the band toasts with PBRs, an old guy in a ball cap strolls over and gives Rowland a proud bear hug. It’s his boss from the pizza shop.

In the wee hours, Harry drives down a deserted Sunset Boulevard, his favorite time of night to explore the city streets, arguing over which is the best Steely Dan album. He insists that Can’t Buy a Thrill is better than Countdown to Ecstasy (wrongly), and seals his case by turning it up and belting “Midnight Cruiser” with truly appalling gusto. Tonight Hollywood is full of bright lights, glitzy clubs, red carpets, but the prettiest pop star in town is behind the wheel, singing along with every note of the sax solo from “Dirty Work.”

A few days later, on the other side of the world: Harry’s pad in London is lavish, yet very much a young single dude’s lair. Over here: a wall-size framed Sex Pistols album cover. Over there: a vinyl copy of Stevie Nicks’ The Other Side of the Mirror, casually resting on the floor. He’s having a cup of tea with his mum, Anne, the spitting image of her son, all grace and poise. “We’re off to the pub,” he tells her. “We’re going to talk some shop.” She smiles sweetly. “Talk some shit, probably,” says Anne.

We head off to his local, sloshing through the rain. He’s wearing a Spice World hoodie and savoring the soggy London-osity of the day. “Ah, Londres!” he says grandly. “I missed this place.” He wants to sit at a table outside, even though it’s pouring, and we chat away the afternoon over a pot of mint tea and a massive plate of fish and chips. When I ask for toast, the waitress brings out a loaf of bread roughly the size of a wheelbarrow. “Welcome to England,” Harry says.

He’s always had a fervent female fandom, and, admirably, he’s never felt a need to pretend he doesn’t love it that way. “They’re the most honest — especially if you’re talking about teenage girls, but older as well,” he says. “They have that bullshit detector. You want honest people as your audience. We’re so past that dumb outdated narrative of ‘Oh, these people are girls, so they don’t know what they’re talking about.’ They’re the ones who know what they’re talking about. They’re the people who listen obsessively. They fucking own this shit. They’re running it.”

He doesn’t have the uptightness some people have about sexual politics, or about identifying as a feminist. “I think ultimately feminism is thinking that men and women should be equal, right? People think that if you say ‘I’m a feminist,’ it means you think men should burn in hell and women should trample on their necks. No, you think women should be equal. That doesn’t feel like a crazy thing to me. I grew up with my mum and my sister — when you grow up around women, your female influence is just bigger. Of course men and women should be equal. I don’t want a lot of credit for being a feminist. It’s pretty simple. I think the ideals of feminism are pretty straightforward.”

His audience has a reputation for ferocity, and the reputation is totally justified. At last summer’s show at Madison Square Garden, the floor was wobbling during “Kiwi” — I’ve been seeing shows there since the 1980s, but I’d never seen that happen before. (The only other time? His second night.) His bandmates admit they feared for their lives, but Harry relished it. “To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” He sips his tea. “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a room, asking them to bear with him.”

That evening, Fleetwood Mac take the stage in London — a sold-out homecoming gig at Wembley Stadium, the last U.K. show of their tour. Needless to say, their most devoted fan is in the house. Harry has brought a date: his mother, her first Fleetwood Mac show. He’s also with his big sister Gemma, bandmates Rowland and Jones, a couple of friends.

He’s in hyperactive-host mode, buzzing around his cozy VIP box, making sure everyone’s champagne glass is topped off at all times. As soon as the show begins, Harry’s up on his feet, singing along (“Tell me, tell me liiiiies!”) and cracking jokes. You can tell he feels free — as if his radar is telling him there aren’t snoopers or paparazzi watching. (He’s correct. This is a rare public appearance where nobody spots him and no photos leak online.) It’s family night. His friend Mick Fleetwood wilds out on the drum solo. “Imagine being that cool,” Gemma says.

Midway through the show, Harry’s demeanor suddenly changes. He gets uncharacteristically solemn and quiet, sitting down by himself and focusing intently on the stage. It’s the first time all night he’s taken a seat. He’s in a different zone than he was in a few minutes ago. But he’s seen many Fleetwood Mac shows, and he knows where they are in the set. It’s time for “Landslide.” He sits with his chin in hand, his eyes zeroing in on Stevie Nicks. As usual, she introduces her most famous song with the story of how she wrote it when she was just a lass of 27.

But Stevie has something else she wants to share. She tells the stadium crowd, “I’d like to dedicate this to my little muse, Harry Styles, who brought his mother tonight. Her name is Anne. And I think you did a really good job raising Harry, Anne. Because he’s really a gentleman, sweet and talented, and, boy, that appeals to me. So all of you, this is for you.”

As Stevie starts to sing “Landslide” — “I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around youuuu” — Anne walks over to where Harry sits. She crouches down behind him, reaches her arms around him tightly. Neither of them says a word. They listen together and hold each other close to the very end of the song. Everybody in Wembley is singing along with Stevie, but these two are in a world of their own.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: the lure of coffee machine burns and demanding customers proved too strong? Jimmy: Your gratitude at getting another smoothie an' all Janis: you found out I was a big tipper? Janis: grapevine getting oddly specific and vaguely complimentary Jimmy: Your boyfriend never said nowt, awkward and 💔 Janis: which one Janis: have to put him on the 'really, never again' list Jimmy: the one who works here but ain't me Jimmy: Pete Janis: so that's his name Janis: cute Janis: well he can't go on that list so I take it back Jimmy: Or I'm lying Jimmy: but I reckon I'd give him a better name if I were Janis: exactly Janis: one every lad has like Jimmy: what every lad don't have is a 🎸 and a band attached Jimmy: he's WELL unique 💕 Janis: OMG Janis: makes so much sense why you're 💘 Jimmy: I ain't 😳 it's the steam, alright Janis: 😂 Janis: If I was a nicer friend I'd be made up for yous Janis: obviously I've learnt from the best and I'll covertly hit that behind your back, sabotaging you every step of the way Jimmy: We mates now? 🎉🎊🕺 Janis: the best 💕 Janis: thought 💔 you ain't 💔 about the friendzoning, obvs Jimmy: I'm made up for us Janis: 😏 good Jimmy: you'll be well about having a gay BFF Janis: ikr Janis: as if they didn't have enough reasons to be jealous of me Janis: ultimate accessory Jimmy: I am gonna ask him to move in though so if you could piss off before the end of our shift Jimmy: Tah, babes Janis: how could you Janis: genuinely did not see this coming Jimmy: when you know you know, girl 💕 Jimmy: soz you didn't Janis: I know lots of things Janis: like his name and passion so tah, dickhead 🏆💘 Jimmy: @petechambers is what you need to know Janis: why you being so helpful Jimmy: he reckons you're my girlfriend, how far do you reckon you're gonna get Janis: reckons you're my boyfriend, by that logic Janis: looks like we're both fucked Jimmy: I don't fuck in the workplace, I told you Jimmy: only customers 👴👵💕 Janis: fucking hell don't say that Janis: not just their spidey senses tingling, eurgh Jimmy: 💀👑 and her #squad ain't here yet Jimmy: can say what I like Janis: 'course not, it's before noon Janis: and as long as your manager don't hear you, yeah Jimmy: 🤞 he won't hear me 😴 in the back either Janis: you must be dead Janis: all the freebie espresso shots today Jimmy: 👻 Jimmy: should've let you call in for me Janis: dangerously close to admitting I had a good idea Jimmy: only the one Janis: one more than you had you poor 😴 fool Jimmy: You sleep alright? The 🐕 was being a right little twat when I had to go Janis: like I'd been drugged Janis: not accusing you Janis: just don't usually sleep that deep Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: the barman was a bit Jimmy: could accuse him Janis: who am I to turn my nose up at free drugs Jimmy: 👮🚔 undercover me, remember Jimmy: might wanna hit delete on that Janis: listen, you've definitely crossed some boundaries yourself, idc how deep your cover is Janis: you keep it 🤐 and so will I Jimmy: Oh it's really deep like my 💕 baby Janis: 😂 Janis: yep, you're definitely 45 Jimmy: were warned Janis: didn't say I didn't like it 😍 Jimmy: 🤤🤤🤤 Jimmy: #whenshelikestherealyou Janis: just can't help but be goals, me and you Jimmy: tough job but I've already got a piss easy one Jimmy: I'd be bored to 😭😭😭 or 💀💀💀 Janis: so welcome, babe 💕 Janis: shame you can't be bored to 💤💤💤 rn though Jimmy: earnt myself a burn for cheeking everyone's manager 🙏 @god soz, like Janis: 🌩 Janis: he'll get ya Jimmy: bit late for the warning, Jenna but tah Janis: got off pretty light Janis: it could've been genocide, he's a big fan Jimmy: tell it to all the fans who want pics of me touching you up Jimmy: ain't gonna be goals for a bit, that Janis: bad enough you can 🏥 Jimmy: still got skin ✔ Jimmy: makes it a no go Janis: 😔 baby Jimmy: will to live ✖ Jimmy: least I've got you 💕 Janis: you poor, poor boy Janis: and your fave customers ain't there either, what's the rest of the crowd looking like? Jimmy: 👪 and 👫 Jimmy: be why I'm in such a romantic mood Janis: so inspiring, yeah Jimmy: nowt as inspiring as you obvs Janis: how many paracetamol did you pop Janis: very peace and love rn, you Jimmy: might be talking in my 💤 Janis: in that case Janis: let me hold you to everything you say Janis: go on Jimmy: 👍 Janis: did you/any of yous get a chance to walk this dog Janis: it's being batshit Jimmy: I let it out but unless Cass is up and about now Janis: If she is she's being as quiet as I am Janis: no worries, I'll take it for a run Jimmy: hang on, I'll text her Janis: 👍 Jimmy: Alright, boot the door in for us Janis: you what Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: 👮🚔 tactics, mate Janis: not gonna marry your da, remember Janis: no stepmum here Jimmy: well he chucks her 💰 for walking that 🐕 you're gonna at least wanna take that off her Janis: I guess I could let the dog in her room Janis: just blame you or the kid Jimmy: I did it earlier, dunno how it got back out Janis: clever girl Jimmy: 👻🐕 Janis: awh Janis: if I could draw for shit I would Jimmy: Have a go Jimmy: there's loads of shit in my room Janis: feeling #inspirational as well as #inspired, mate? Jimmy: you feeling 🥇 or 🙀? Janis: how do you know I ain't got plans Jimmy: Come on, I'll do it too, let 👻🐕 decide which is better Janis: ugh Janis: fine Jimmy: Crack on then, loser Janis: fuck off Janis: I never claimed I was good at art, 🎨 hoe Jimmy: Getting the excuses in already Jimmy: should've just backed out from the challenge, babe Janis: you should get to work Janis: doodling or your actual, like Jimmy: I'm doing both Janis: get you Jimmy: 🏆🥇👑 Janis: ⭐⭐⭐ for your name badge Jimmy: It says Jamie right now so you're alright Janis: 😂 Janis: doesn't suit you Jimmy: only been working here ages Jimmy: don't put yourselves out Janis: your names not actually James then? Janis: least they're in the ballpark Jimmy: Bollocks would it be, Ian'd reckon that too la-de-da Janis: fair, can't imagine that either Jimmy: and anyway we're all y or ie except him 'cause ❄ can't get ideas above ourselves Janis: don't stop every cunt I know giving their kids genuinely mental names though so Jimmy: I've wrote some mad ones on ☕ Janis: ooh #whenhescreativetho Jimmy: his new missus better fall in like my mum did Jimmy: fucked yourself you Janis: I mean, I'd change it but what to Ian, you've got the vision, like Jimmy: @ him Janis: from his house, that'd be hilariously psycho stalker Jimmy: he'd be 😍😍 so don't actually Janis: alright, in your bed not his Jimmy: Are you? Jimmy: Get up dickhead there's 🎨 to make Janis: 🙄 alright, on it Janis: ruin the fantasy with your details, why don't you Jimmy: ruin your lie in with my jealousy of it, tah Janis: 💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: In a bit then Janis: are you concentrating that hard? Jimmy: you need to if you wanna beat me Jimmy: doing you that favour Janis: so kind 🖕 Janis: so considerate 😒 Jimmy: I know 💕 Janis: [hit him with a cartoon of ghost Twix doing a phantom shit in Ian's shoes] Jimmy: [one of those recorded texts things of him loling] Janis: is that a lol of approval? Jimmy: 'course Janis: good, 'cos I tried Jimmy: yours is better than mine Jimmy: glad I ain't the judge Janis: rub it in pedigree, like Janis: she likes you better, maybe a walk would swing it Jimmy: she don't like that I only let her out in the garden for a bit Jimmy: so if you're gonna cheat Jimmy: would be 🥇 cheating Janis: from the professional himself 💕 Janis: leave a note, so your sister don't reckon it's been dognapped Jimmy: 🖕 and 👌 Janis: love you too Jimmy: [sends her his picture of ghost him walking ghost twix and Janis in a ghostbusters outfit getting him with the vacuum thing cos Twix is her true love but someone's spilt coffee on it rudely] Janis: fuck off Janis: that's actually sick Janis: can't even be that mad Jimmy: you ain't judging it either and ☕ ain't a treat she's 😍 for Janis: take the compliment, boy Jimmy: I'm too tired Janis: doesn't anyone at your work have a decent coke habit Janis: inconsiderate, that Jimmy: what kind of rock and roll god are you, Pete? fuck's sake Jimmy: 😱💔 Janis: if he's straight-edge Janis: have him Janis: won't be lectured by some 🤓 however cute Jimmy: from his feed I'd say 60/40 that he is Jimmy: gutted pisshead Janis: actually devastated Janis: please give me time to grieve Jimmy: me an' all, gonna have to rely on you and only you to get me through this shift Janis: I haven't got any on me either, you know Jimmy: like I said Jimmy: he does 🚬 though actually, I've seen him Janis: 😻😻😻 Janis: oh thank god Janis: not ready to let that dream die tbh Jimmy: Alright, calm down Janis: you don't understand Jimmy: Have you even looked at his profile? 60/40 that bird's his girlfriend an' all Janis: idk what that's gotta do with me Jimmy: she's got better tits than you Jimmy: I don't reckon you'd win if you challenged her Janis: well I know I would but tah Jimmy: You ain't his type Janis: omg you don't know that Jimmy: try some heavy eye make up and a band t-shirt Jimmy: might 👀 at you then Janis: can't argue with good looking Janis: whatever you think you're into Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: what's with the negging Jimmy: What you want me to big you up? Got that covered ain't you Janis: nah Janis: but shouldn't affect you that I know my worth, should it Jimmy: it don't Jimmy: nowt you do affects me Janis: then stop chatting shit like that to me Jimmy: Or what? Janis: no or what about it I won't fucking talk to you Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I ain't got time for you, my best customers are here Janis: lol really Jimmy: [a pic of them gals, chin chin] Janis: 🤢 Janis: if I never saw that face again, it'd be too soon Jimmy: [resends it with faces scribbled out] Janis: 😏 Janis: idiot Janis: time for a stock check, probs Jimmy: time to post something about you more like Jimmy: [does about how much he misses her and how hard it was to leave her there asleep this AM etc] Janis: you trying to kill 'em? Janis: 'cos good job, honestly Janis: they'll at least have heart palpatations at that Jimmy: #duh Jimmy: could do better but this ain't a topless kinda place Janis: we're all 💔 about that Janis: should've taken some creeper shots whilst you were sleeping, my bad Jimmy: such an amateur you Janis: had other things on my mind, happens Janis: my reply will be extra slushy, how's that Jimmy: 🤢 Janis: obvs but yay or nay dickhead Jimmy: where are you? Janis: park opposite yours Janis: why Jimmy: do you look like you belong in a park opposite mine? Janis: fuck you, I'm clean Jimmy: I'm saying make yourself look like you just got out of my bed and get over here Janis: alright then Janis: but that counts as one of my debts paid, definitely Jimmy: Bollocks Janis: er yeah it does Jimmy: How is this a favour to me? Jimmy: They're chatting shit about you Janis: when ain't they Janis: I don't ever need to be in the same room as my sister, tah Jimmy: Stay at the park then Janis: make up your mind Janis: I said I'll do it Jimmy: Not doing this for my health Jimmy: they ain't wrong in thinking I look like shit and if you were any kind of nurse you wouldn't have let me go nowhere Janis: marry 'em then Jimmy: I don't wanna marry you why would I wanna marry them? Jimmy: Also how? In what sequence 'cause can only be one at a time Janis: 'cos clearly you trust in their ability to look after you based on this snippet of overheard convo, idiot Janis: none of them have had a boyfriend longer than 3 weeks, no time to get a fucking cold, nevermind get over it Janis: don't count, they're a hivemind Janis: cut off Mia's head, they all die Jimmy: 👌 Janis: how can they possibly have anything to talk about Janis: not seen any of them in days Jimmy: You've been online, nowt else they need Janis: fuck sake Jimmy: I'll throw a drink over Mia she'll melt, game over Jimmy: if she ever orders owt Janis: some sweet as Janis: that hot sweet vom will coat her mouth on the way out, enjoy that for hours Jimmy: Don't Jimmy: you'll make me vom Janis: such a baby Jimmy: Piss off Janis: you ain't cleaned up worse in the CG bathroom, no Jimmy: don't mean I loved every minute of it Jimmy: or that I wanna relive it right now with you Janis: k, just tryna kill the mood, baby Janis: calm you down Jimmy: Leave it out Janis: lighten up, me they're chatting shit about Jimmy: and it weren't me who invited her here Jimmy: stop being a knobhead Janis: I'm not Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: shut up Janis: what's actually wrong with you Jimmy: I don't wanna talk to you if you're gonna take the piss Jimmy: nowt wrong with that Janis: when did I Jimmy: This job is crap and I don't wanna do it but I ain't got rich parents Jimmy: so yeah, I have to clean up after dickheads all day Jimmy: and they get to say whatever they want to me while I'm doing it Janis: it's you who's assumed my parents are minted, you ain't once asked me about 'em and I ain't told you Janis: how far do you reckon 2 paychecks goes for 12 people, but nah, whatever, they got more than some Janis: but not so much that I'll never have to work a day in my life so don't come for me like I think I'm too good to clean a toilet or some shit Jimmy: Don't get at me when it's them you wanna Jimmy: we're supposed to be in this together Janis: I weren't getting at you Janis: for fuck sake Jimmy: Alright Janis: it clearly ain't but I weren't so I'm not apologizing for some shit you only think I said Jimmy: and I'm not starting something with you 'cause they're annoying Jimmy: So alright Janis: Fine Janis: that we can agree on so we'll just leave it yeah Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 👍 Jimmy: the 🐕 with you? Janis: yeah Janis: taking her back Jimmy: do me a favour and leave her there Janis: weren't planning on bringing her if I do come through Jimmy: I mean at the park to get actually dognapped Janis: well don't take it on on the dog either Jimmy: I didn't like her long before 💀👑 were on my radar Janis: ain't her fault Jimmy: is Janis: she's only a puppy Jimmy: cute enough to get snatched then Janis: i'm not getting rid of your dog for you Janis: do it properly if you're going to Jimmy: just trying to get rid of that IOU for you Janis: sure Jimmy: You're really scared to owe me one, you Janis: scared and not wanting to are not the same thing Jimmy: that'll be why I said what I said Janis: 😒 Janis: fuck off, what's there to be scared of Jimmy: You tell me Jimmy: What do you reckon I'm gonna do? Janis: shut up Jimmy: Easy, I'm faking I lost my voice either 'cause I'm 🤢 dying or 💀💀💀 from how well you nursed me Jimmy: theirs to keep guessing about Janis: ours to prove easy enough Janis: if we wanna Jimmy: Do you? Janis: I mean Janis: obviously I don't care but also Janis: why should they just get to go around being cunts all the time Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: I also get that you badly miss Mr Lucas, babe but I ain't drank enough coffee for you to pretend I'm him 💔 Janis: 🤢 okay but don't Jimmy: I could take a few more shots before you get here but I might Jimmy: don't actually like it Janis: it's rank Janis: fuck the rest, being around the smell all day would be shit enough Jimmy: hang on, I'm gonna wipe off the chalk board outside and write that Janis: 😂 Jimmy: so inspiring baby 💕 Janis: if we could thin the crowd at all be ideal Janis: don't need the 👪👫s seeing this Jimmy: some of them did leg it pretty quick when Mia walked in Jimmy: not gonna want your kids or your fella seeing that Janis: honestly, meant to learn about death through a hamster, not your local 💀👑 Jimmy: well early in the day to try and teach them to spell anorexia Janis: thank god for spellcheck, eh babe? Jimmy: didn't have it when I communicated with her via napkin note but I think I managed Jimmy: will do if I don't think about what she'll do with it after Janis: basically sold your soul to the devil Janis: couldn't wait 5 minutes for me to get there Jimmy: already 👻 nowt she can do to me Jimmy: only come to life for you Janis: can't decide if 💕 or 🤤 that Jimmy: why not both? Janis: 😍 #whenhesthefullpackage Jimmy: give me everything you've got then Janis: you've changed your tune Jimmy: I've not Jimmy: been saying 🥇 or nowt since the start Janis: last night Jimmy: What? Janis: never mind Janis: both had a few by then, not to mention knackered Jimmy: Go on Janis: well you said don't give you anything Jimmy: it ain't for me, it's for them Janis: yeah, I know Jimmy: So no need to hold back Janis: wouldn't be much point coming otherwise Jimmy: I've gotta be fake mute, you've gotta be fake loud Janis: really Jimmy: We can't both be 🔇 Janis: Jesus Janis: why are you being mute again anyway Jimmy: I lost my voice 'cause you're the best at bringing someone back from the brink of 💀💀💀 Janis: 'course I am Janis: well don't put me off, I have a plan Jimmy: I just had to let you know loudly and repeatedly even if it cost me this #goals accent Janis: sounds about right 😏 Jimmy: Obviously, I thought of it Janis: I mean, it's believeable for you but alright Jimmy: A boy can dream 💕 Janis: dream no longer Janis: [post up hoe] Jimmy: [get ready lads and I don't just mean you gals] Janis: [least she'd always have her gym shit on her so can still have that moment] Jimmy: [yeah that's forever legit, and thank god he looks good in his uniform too or that'd be awkward like she's bringing it and he's blah] Janis: [when you're gonna have to just go for this lads] Jimmy: [he's gonna get a bollocking from his manager regardless we all know it, him most of all so nothing to lose] Janis: [when you come at him like 'I just missed you so much' loud/close enough that it's heard but you're already wrapping yourself around him] Jimmy: [when you have to be fake mute so it's all 😍 but it does mean you can just pull her even closer to you how he likes to do and go IN on kissing any part of her that'll get the best reaction, from her and the audience] Janis: [letting that happen for way longer than you need to before redirecting his mouth to yours so you can be loud without it being really indecent] Jimmy: [I feel like as much as they think they can read each other from all the make out seshs they've had he should've done something in that bit then that surprised him with how much she liked it even if they are pretending it's fake and he told her to be extra] Janis: [agreed like as much as it's all real it would be like the shock when they first kissed and she weren't bored so 100%] Jimmy: [just gonna put her on the counter for that mood and moment soz customers but like we're putting on a show here, not getting in trouble without making it worth it] Janis: [when you say his name and it's half 'cos you wanna half like are you sure] Jimmy: [when as much as you're pretending you've forgotten where you are you also have because so much pent up everything] Janis: ['come home with me' do you mean it or no we'll never know] Jimmy: [I like to imagine Mia's head exploding so get her down but onto the staff side with you so you can keep this going as you make your way towards the back like you're gonna continue this there/leave that way] Janis: [heheheheh] Jimmy: [obvs gonna keep kissing out there for a sec 'for realism' and in case anyone follows you like um what the fuck Jimmy are you leaving or wut not cos you wanna and you couldn't be closer and you haven't stopped since you started even when you were also moving, oh no never for that reason] Janis: [literal like in no world did they need this entire display also how you gonna stop, least his manager can come through to make that happen] Jimmy: [just like ahem #awkward because you know they wouldn't have stopped when he first appeared cos too into it so it's like EXCUSE YOU] Janis: [how shaming if either of you could care] Jimmy: [HOORAY for not feeling shame because yeah Jimothy you're gonna have to sit with him now and get told off looking that poor manager in the eye] Janis: [honestly you'd wanna die if you weren't so highkey distracted] Jimmy: [wait until Ian hears about this, he'll want you to die too] Janis: [nooooooooo] Jimmy: [no wonder he don't like Janis, no offense babe we know his actual reasons ain't that but] Janis: [she does get him fired we all know] Jimmy: [thank god he gets another job cos can you imagine if he couldn't they were all like no thanks you saucy bastard] Janis: [whoops, have to leave forreal] Jimmy: [how the hell are we gonna kick off a 'normal' convo between them after that MY GOD] Janis: how much trouble you in Jimmy: Not enough that I care Janis: good, not looking to + my IOUs that hard Janis: worked though, yeah Jimmy: How many stories has Mia posted? Janis: [screenshot of the longest line of stories ever but she's only on the first one 'cos not watching] Janis: more detailed than 24 hour news Jimmy: I get that I ain't the focus on her obsession, but get my angles, fuck's sake Janis: 💔 Janis: be more blatant, girl Jimmy: This plays like the Love Actually wedding video Janis: 😂 Janis: Keira should've told her husband to sort his friend, honestly Jimmy: I'm waiting for my full crop and her floating bobble head where mine were Janis: literally gonna haunt my nightmares, thanks Jimmy: Soz, I ain't seen her commit that edit yet if that helps Jimmy: we all know you can afford the software girl, sort it out Janis: no time if she wants to break the story Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: it wouldn't take long if she knew what she was doing Jimmy: could've asked me Janis: we all know now she's not arsed about you Janis: sorry, dear Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: brb jumping off the roof Janis: could you wait a bit Janis: so it doesn't look like an immediate reaction to me Jimmy: gimme something better to do then Janis: well, I was sure you'd be sent home Janis: dunno how you managed that, jammy git Jimmy: #effortless Janis: must be Jimmy: 😎 Janis: sure you've got loads of invites in your DMs then, boy Jimmy: Yeah but Janis: but what Jimmy: I don't fancy it, do I Janis: still up to me and me alone then, is it Jimmy: for a bit Janis: okay Janis: see what I can do Jimmy: a full day's work won't 💀💀💀 you, rich girl Jimmy: promise Janis: my sister might beat you to it anyway Jimmy: she can try 🏆💪 we've got a pact and I called it ages ago Janis: can argue that one with her, if you like Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: have lost my voice going for it with Ian, not fazed by hers Janis: it's pretty grating tbh but you know Janis: nothing worse than the way she types Jimmy: Oi, there's nowt as annoying or loud as me Janis: don't need to lie to make you feel good about yourself Jimmy: Good Jimmy: a lie wouldn't Janis: and you're a cocky little shit without my help so Jimmy: with your help an' all though Janis: works for me Jimmy: I know Janis: what does that even mean 😏 Jimmy: What do you reckon it means? Jimmy: It means I know Janis: that definitely means you're chatting shit then Jimmy: If saying that I am works for you, babe Janis: 😑 taking the piss now Jimmy: Nah Jimmy: do what you've gotta do Janis: so fucking cryptic Jimmy: 🧩 me Janis: 😎 Jimmy: *😎🚬 Janis: OMG, smoking is NOT a personality trait Jimmy: I'm keeping you updated Jimmy: like a good boyfriend Jimmy: my whereabouts, what I'm up to etc Janis: subtle hint Janis: Mia teach you before she went? Jimmy: I weren't in the room as she 👀 it, remember Janis: on another 🪐 Jimmy: where you and her 😍💕💋💋 Janis: not funny, you Jimmy: a bit Jimmy: You gonna give me your update like a good girlfriend then or what? Janis: actually going gym Janis: as I've got the gear on, makes sense Jimmy: 💪🏆 gotta keep it goals babe Jimmy: one day I'll have to show you how it's really done, like Janis: 😂 Janis: ok, that was funny Janis: you've redeemed yourself, welldone Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I get it, you're scared I'll make you look a right tit Janis: mhmm Janis: scared I'll be overcome by how manly you are and all Jimmy: no need to be at the gym for that, mate Janis: just how you live your life Janis: 👌 Jimmy: 😏 Janis: you dope Jimmy: taking that as a compliment 😎 Jimmy: as only a 45 year old bloke can Janis: oh yeah, how's your 💘 after that Jimmy: I ain't about to have a heart attack, you're alright Jimmy: one lung but there ain't nowt wrong with the rest of my organs Janis: good to know Janis: though my case to sue you is definitely more viable anyway Jimmy: 💰💰 talks and you've got more of it to chat bollocks about me with Janis: you've been warned Jimmy: You loved it, I've got enough witnesses Janis: very unreliable Janis: they all hate me Jimmy: I will an' all if you drag me to court Jimmy: ain't got a suit or owt and I ain't buying one for you unless we 💍 Janis: fake marriage is too far, we agreed Janis: though would LOVE to ask them all to be my bridesmaids so I could dress them in the ugliest shit and watch the meltdowns ensue Jimmy: Go on, all marriages are fake any road Janis: just string out the engagment and planning then blow that shit up on the day Janis: s'a proper finale Jimmy: knew you'd get it 💕 Janis: suck on that pregnant amie Janis: steal your ✨ Jimmy: if she'd left it at that she might not be 🤰 Janis: don't make me laugh Jimmy: why? not enough cardio for you or? Janis: 'cos I'll look mental and not the new image I'm going for, tah Jimmy: Fine, I'll make you 😳 Janis: you can try Jimmy: [sends her a pic of all those epic love bites she did cos they'd look WILD the next day like] Janis: they look pretty Janis: very artsy Jimmy: proper Georgia O’Keeffe you Janis: 😒 I know she was the vag obsessed one, twat Jimmy: 'Course you do Janis: shut up Janis: not a moron Janis: or a lesbian Jimmy: Don't need to tell me Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: Baby Janis: such a windup, you Janis: gotta have finished your 🚬 by now Jimmy: ain't that 👴 Jimmy: giving it my best go with my oxygen on Janis: cute Jimmy: So you want 75 not 45? Alright Janis: your type, not mine Janis: a fucked 45 is fine Jimmy: OUR type, babe, and I'm gonna find him Jimmy: challenge accepted Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 💕 Janis: stop being a goals fella and go do your job whilst you still got it Jimmy: that is my job Jimmy: Stop flirting with me Jimmy: making me miss you and that Janis: if you don't you'll make me look bad Jimmy: couldn't obvs Janis: yeah her 😍 know no bounds, fair Jimmy: Oi, mine an' all Janis: awh, you jealous Jimmy: Of her? Jimmy: Yeah she's well close to 💀💀💀 and all I can do is wait Jimmy: 🚬💔🎻☕ Jimmy: #friendzonedbythegrimreaper Janis: always the bridesmaid, her Janis: you know you're 🥈 to my 🥇, baby Jimmy: you on the 🥊? Jimmy: that backhander really hit 😵😵😵 Janis: [selfie like pow pow] Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: 😏 Jimmy: [flirty posts and shit to keep it 'safe' haha] Janis: [as if anyone is doubting you rn, they seen enough lmao] Janis: you go this hard with your actual missus, like Jimmy: You've got her attention, be easy enough to go on and ask Janis: seriously Jimmy: What you reckon all that carry on at the CG dont matter to anyone but 👑💀? Janis: well idk do I Janis: why would I Jimmy: Talk of this town and the north Janis: at least any beatdowns will only be 📱 Janis: unless she likes you that much still she'll get on a plane or ferry, like Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: what outcome are you crossing your fingers for there Janis: 'scuse me Jimmy: What kind of question is that? Janis: jussayin Janis: not fake fighting for you Jimmy: 💔 Janis: not agreed to that level of soap drama Jimmy: where you draw the line that? Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I mean Janis: not pregnant rn is she? Janis: fair game Jimmy: I should've opened with asking Jimmy: bit late now Janis: yeah, gonna look weird now Janis: subtlety is not your strong suit Jimmy: It's alright, it ain't hers either Janis: 👍 Jimmy: But I reckon if her hubby had it in him to put it in her since the last 🤰 she wouldn't be in my DMs Jimmy: 👴💔 Janis: never know Janis: pregnancy makes you mental Jimmy: Yeah Janis: later then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [later] Janis: did kayleigh f invite you to her party too Jimmy: I dunno, did she? Janis: not your secretary Janis: check your dms Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: I ain't seeing her, have to crash 👮🚔 Janis: why am I so popular, damn Jimmy: gay icon Janis: ha 🖕 Janis: you actually want to go or Jimmy: Do you? Janis: idk Janis: ain't got nothing else on Jimmy: Who is she? Janis: hmm Janis: not sure what her identifier is, but she's alright, does sports science and shit too Jimmy: The party'll be alright an' all then Janis: doubt the squad'll be there so improvement on the last Jimmy: works for me Janis: if you're allowed, like Janis: ⛔ Jimmy: She gonna stop me at the door? Jimmy: bit rude Janis: 😏 Janis: nah Janis: guestlist can't be that exclusive if an invite found me Janis: not like we're bffs is it Jimmy: I'll go over the fence to be safe, leave a window open for me or whatever Janis: such a show-off Jimmy: You love a show, Juliet Janis: hm Janis: keep your feet on the ground, yeah Jimmy: Bit late for that 👻 Janis: 👏 alright, got me there Jimmy: right where I want you, babe 🎯💘 Janis: yeah, and where's that? Jimmy: 😏 Janis: gotta get those hourly updates Janis: could be ANYWHERE Jimmy: could be lost Jimmy: Where's this lass live? Janis: good question Janis: oh, like 10 minute walk from yours Janis: [the deets] Janis: easy Jimmy: might get there before my 👮🚔 co-workers then Janis: well i'll be ages Janis: and not 'cos i wanna be fashionably late Janis: so see you there Jimmy: I get it, looking proper #goals takes you longer than it does me 😎 Janis: 🙄 Janis: more like my gaff is in the middle of fucking nowhere and I ain't there rn but I can't go like this Jimmy: Where are you? Gotta be near 🛍 Jimmy: do your thing, rich girl Janis: who am I Jimmy: No idea, who are you? Janis: not a bitch who's gonna get new clothes for a party Jimmy: Alright, you can wear mine, stop begging Janis: however could I pull off such a 😎 look Janis: I daren't Jimmy: 🙀 you Jimmy: never up for a challenge or owt Janis: what's challenging about your style Janis: been same since 1956 Jimmy: You pulling it off, so you said Jimmy: 🤷 if you can't, you can't Jimmy: see you when I see you Janis: and you lost your ability to detect sarcasm, alright Jimmy: might never have had it, how would you know? Janis: giving you benefit of the doubt that you ain't a total idiot but alright Janis: maybe not Jimmy: giving me what's dangerously close to a real compliment an' all there Jimmy: thank fuck you took it back before things got weird Janis: don't sound like me Jimmy: might not be Jimmy: can't 👀 or 👂 you Janis: yeah it's your biggest fan surprise Jimmy: that dickhead Jill is my biggest fan Jimmy: why I'm fake dating her Janis: get lost Janis: you're so annoying Jimmy: Probably will in a bit Jimmy: dry your eyes til then Janis: have you got a problem, like Janis: your sense of direction is for shit Jimmy: It's how they keep northerners in the north, mate Jimmy: ain't even allowed to leave in a ⚰ Jimmy: but 🤞 they bury you right way up Janis: you mean you don't want god to kiss your ass? Janis: seems like something you'd be about Jimmy: He ain't really my type Jimmy: 👴 maybe but a bit of a knobhead Jimmy: and there's the not being real Jimmy: got a fake girlfriend already tah Janis: one to talk 👻 boy Janis: that's just a third of his personality and it's your whole schtick Janis: jealous, clearly Jimmy: You reckon I'm jealous of everyone I ain't Jimmy: getting a bit awkward now Janis: is it Janis: sensitive and all Janis: n'awh Jimmy: I get it, you're that in the dark Jimmy: hang on, I'll put my 📸 on Jimmy: sort you out Janis: about what Jimmy: It's no bother, dark corners can be very #goals Jimmy: just don't 🙀🙀🙀 Jimmy: know what you're like, Jasmine Janis: cats ain't afraid of the dark, boy Jimmy: You don't play by the rules, girl Jimmy: or do you now? Janis: how much do you think has changed in one afternoon? Jimmy: Been a bit since I last had an #update from you Jimmy: could be owt or nowt Janis: ain't the only one capable of mystery, like Jimmy: Good Jimmy: this party'll be shit if I am Janis: what do you reckon you can get away with when you're my plus 1 Jimmy: my name ain't down but I'm still coming in Jimmy: do owt else I want once I manage that Janis: don't be stupid Janis: you know what I'm saying Jimmy: Make up your mind, am I stupid or what? Janis: you're being it if you reckon you can get with someone when I'm at the same party Jimmy: I never said that's what I reckoned Jimmy: I get that you're new to it, but there's more than one way to be mysterious Janis: everything is always about sex, end of Jimmy: For you paddys maybe Janis: pretty sure it's universal but alright Janis: whatever Jimmy: Are you? Janis: am I..? Jimmy: Are you so sure I wanna fuck some girl at this party even though I've been doing all this bollocks to stay single Jimmy: well done Jimmy: You've cracked it, like Janis: 1. single doesn't mean abstinent Janis: 2. why do you say stupid shit that sounds a certain way then get pissed when I take you at said dumb fucking thing you said Janis: 3. i don't care who you do or don't fuck but if that's what you wanna do, probably don't have me there for it Jimmy: I'd ask why you take everything the wrong way but that's obviously what you wanna do Janis: just say you're talking bollocks if that's what you're doing Janis: but also take it somewhere else 'cos I don't need it Jimmy: It ain't but go on and piss off yourself if you like Janis: First good idea you've had Jimmy: Take it then Janis: do what I like, thanks Jimmy: 👍 Janis: and I got invited so how about you don't come Jimmy: You said it yourself, no way you're getting there 1st Janis: fuck you Janis: you don't even know her Jimmy: I don't know anyone Jimmy: race you 😘 Janis: poor you Jimmy: Lucky me Jimmy: Poor you Janis: don't need your sympathy fake or otherwise Jimmy: Fake or not, you ain't having it Janis: 💔 Janis: oh no Jimmy: Ill play the 🎻s when I'm on the clock if it's alright with you Janis: I don't care what you do as long as it's not at this party Jimmy: 💔💔😭 Janis: yeah yeah Jimmy: You finished? Janis: with this convo Janis: why not Janis: with you in general Janis: sadly no Jimmy: Tah for the detailed update Janis: what you asked for Jimmy: 💕 Janis: hope you find your way back home at some point Jimmy: can't stay pissed off at me you Janis: if you leave, sure Janis: your standards are that low Jimmy: Don't worry, staying aint part of my plan Janis: good for you Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: 👍 Jimmy: [we should skip to this party which he obviously gets to first, damn you Cali and your postcode] Janis: [this is such a bad idea like always] Jimmy: [living for it] Janis: [just showing up and avoiding your boyf like hmm okay lmao] Jimmy: [at least he's avoiding everyone anyway cos antisocial bastard so makes it less obvious that he's even there] Janis: [at some point y'all are both gonna end up at the drinks so] Jimmy: [we know that is where he's forever at getting drunk (great idea boy) unless he's outside 🚬 so easy done] Janis: [i die just like sup] Jimmy: [so will he when he sees her serving a look] Janis: [at least you can 'pretend' you've had a domestic, be that couple for the night but still, probably acknowledge each other's existence 'found your way then'] Jimmy: [believable that you could have cos nobody else needs to know he don't give a fuck about his manager or getting in trouble and everyone would be talking about earlier still. He shrugs because always. 'without your help or owt, almost like I dont need you'] Janis: ['well let me know when it stops being almost and I can get on with my shit, yeah? taking a can/bottle/whatever and walking away like good talk] Jimmy: [5ever watching her walk away] Janis: [why are you two here, being such delights lollollol] Jimmy: [Im gonna say he is playing drinking games because peeps have been trying to get him too since he got there cos of that new boy shine honey and theyve worn him down cos hard to resist a challenge or a drink] Janis: 🏆💪 Jimmy: 🍻 Janis: even when you lose, it's a win Jimmy: 🥇 or 🤢 Janis: not if you can handle your drink Jimmy: they can't, soz to piss on your expectations Janis: 💔 Jimmy: 🎻🍀💔 Janis: tunes can't get much more morbid Jimmy: change them then Janis: won't change the crowd but yeah maybe Jimmy: You've handled worse Janis: don't be so hard on yourself Jimmy: Why would I, got you for that Janis: come on Jimmy: Deny it Jimmy: never off the clock on that one, you Janis: ain't personal Janis: don't get to feeling special for it, like Jimmy: 👌 Janis: anyway, you give it back so don't act like you're 😢 Jimmy: I ain't acting tonight, tah though Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: try not to need a 🚬 for the next 5 k Janis: [goes out, obvs] Jimmy: I'll live Janis: good, don't need your death on my conscience Jimmy: I know 😇 you Jimmy: be alright Janis: not likely Jimmy: What do you want me to say to that? Janis: say what you want, you ain't acting Jimmy: fucked if I wanna say nowt Jimmy: already done mute to 💀💀💀 today Jimmy: and I gotta stay alive for a bit Janis: so that's my fault, yeah Jimmy: Nah Janis: it's not my fault people won't get off your dick because you're the new boy Jimmy: never said it were Janis: you treat me like it is Jimmy: and you treat me like what? Janis: how am I meant to treat you Jimmy: how am I meant to treat you Janis: I don't fucking know Janis: you're this weird kid who just asked me to do this crazy scheme with him and I'm the idiot who said yes, I guess Janis: but I don't think you knew what you were asking any more than I knew what I was going along with Jimmy: Stop it then Janis: why should it be me Janis: and why is that all you have to say Jimmy: Why shouldn't it be you, that were the plan Jimmy: and why would I say owt else when that's where this is going Janis: a plan you changed Janis: and acting like you have no stakes in whether it ends now or not makes it make even less sense Jimmy: Change it back Jimmy: not acting, remember Janis: then tell the fucking truth Jimmy: I fucking did Janis: what's the point Janis: alright Jimmy: There ain't any, that's what we're both saying Janis: least not one we're happy to admit to Jimmy: You're so Janis: we're gonna go for this again Janis: didn't work last time but go on Jimmy: Piss off Janis: why can't you say it Jimmy: this is fucking stupid Janis: yeah no shit Jimmy: I'm going home Janis: why did you come Jimmy: Why did you? Janis: to see if you would Janis: probably get drunk Jimmy: There you go then Janis: no you can't steal my answer Janis: then you'll just say you never actually said it and it's just bullshit to hide behind Jimmy: I'm here, that's my answer Jimmy: it weren't cause I desperately wanted shots to do to a shit soundtrack Janis: okay Janis: then go Jimmy: is it? Janis: if that's the only reason you're here Jimmy: I came here for you, you twat Jimmy: but alright, I'll go for you then Janis: don't just Janis: why is it like pulling teeth Jimmy: fuck you Janis: why Jimmy: I didn't sign on for this Jimmy: I can't just Janis: you think I did Jimmy: no Janis: you are literally the only other person who can get it and also the one fucking person who won't talk about it Jimmy: what do you want me to say? Jimmy: that this is Jimmy: or that I Janis: that it's not just Janis: fuck Jimmy: You know it's not Jimmy: every dickhead knows it's not Janis: I can't be Janis: I don't wanna be what we've pretended Janis: I ain't but Jimmy: It's alright Jimmy: what do you want? Janis: you know Jimmy: I wanna know Jimmy: come here Janis: where are you Jimmy: on the stairs Janis: [comes in Jimmy: [the eye contact bitch] Janis: [when that's all you're doing 'cos you suddenly can't move like] Jimmy: [deer in the headlights moment but dont worry babe hes gonna move and pull you SO close to him that you will die] Janis: [least that would kickstart you into being very clear with what you want] Jimmy: [likewise cos once you do start it's just like a not at all casual free for all of everything you both want] Janis: [heaven help anyone tryna use them stairs like excuse me] Jimmy: [you better find another way peeps because they cannot be tamed rn] Janis: [breaking away to be like 'we can just try it, right?'] Jimmy: [just nodding because if he speaks hes gonna say too much and none of us are ready] Janis: ['no phones, no fans'] Jimmy: [throws his phone to one side dramatically because that bitch] Janis: [when you lol but are also genuinely like 😍 so we back at it] Jimmy: [Its a good thing the squad arent here cos they would know he aint mute LOL so much so you have to stop for a sec and once you do 'when I said I wanted to leave some shit to mystery, this is what I meant. All I meant. For a night, none of the usual bollocks. Just me and you'] Janis: [nods 'I believe you. All the rest just had me in a bad mood. I mean I always am but when-' shakes head 'doesn't matter now'] Jimmy: [moves her hair out of her face after she's shaken her head because #shameless need to always touch it okay and just looking at her like you can tell me cos she can 'go on'] Janis: [bites lip but in an actual nervous way not a saucy one though you know same effect 'I was just fed up with all the things getting in the way of...this, as was, so then when you mentioned your ex- like I don't care if you get back with her but it's why I was so' shrugs like you know] Jimmy: ['I want you to care about me getting back with her more than I'd ever wanna really get back with her' when you just blurt that out nbd quietly but still boy are you drunk enough to be chatting like that, excuse you] Janis: [when you're just looking at him like did I hear that right or am I also that gone and going so red, mumbling 'you know I do'] Jimmy: [nodding in the direction of up the stairs 'let's go up, there's too many dickheads can see us' because its awks and also no fans is meant to be the point] Janis: [yeah probably do find some privacy] Jimmy: [probably the room of this poor girl that didnt even invite him] Janis: like excuse me madam you did not ask for this at least they didn't have a blazing row and ruin your whole ass party] Jimmy: [him shutting the door but then just standing against the back of it like UM cos his turn to freeze, boy this is why you dont speak, going too hard when you do] Janis: [least she's not like we MUST talk now 'cos also the pressing matter of actually being able to make out and not film it or cater to a crowd] Jimmy: [omg just being able to do what you legit wanna] Janis: [a mood, let's hope this girl's room ain't too distracting, have to be going some like] Jimmy: [I vote for a double bed because they deserve that] Janis: [the luxury, get on that boys] Jimmy: [actually having some space in all the ways, imagine] Janis: [not that he's about it or her tbh we know] Jimmy: [but at least you wont fall out if you move guys] Janis: [are we gonna cockblock this before it can go all the way] Jimmy: [probably should cos the way we did their first time before was pretty swag from what I remember, not saying this wouldnt still be but] Janis: [agree though, and easily done like get out me room] Jimmy: [yeah and you can still get pretty far before then we dont need to be that mean] Janis: [things can happen honey] Jimmy: [theyd have to because you cant tell me they wouldnt take the opportunity to touch each other in all the ways you cant upload anywhere or let happen with an audience, shameless as you are, and therefore have had no excuse to do]] Janis: [truly 'cos how bad you would've rather been doing this and she'd be telling him as much] Jimmy: [he would blatantly tell her that too but dying too much so you will have to decode it from the eye contact and other sounds he is giving you instead babe] Janis: [when that's such a mood and I highly doubt how Harry was lol] Jimmy: [ugh god no, he's such a twat] Janis: [defs not thinking about that rn like whomst] Jimmy: [they are gonna be FUMING when they get kicked out of this room cos never enough when youve been waiting and holding back for any length of time] Janis: [literally like opened the floodgates honey this hasn't solved anything but we getting there bless] Jimmy: [you thought you two were frustrated af before hahaha] Janis: [gotta give a reason why they can't just go home together tho, actually] Jimmy: [ooh maybe they do but Ians heard about the CG antics so he kicks off when he hears them come back, lowkey waiting for that fight like] Janis: [that's a good idea also brb wanna die] Jimmy: [at least she can go to Mcvickers when he has to kick her out cos not far Janis: [not that Ian cares, dangerous frankly sir] Jimmy: [honestly she could get murdered you slag] Janis: [giving some time for them to argue but not that much 'cos highkey] Janis: you alright Jimmy: You? Janis: yeah 'course Janis: sorry I got you in shit Jimmy: You've done nowt wrong Janis: probably debatable that Jimmy: alright gimme chance to stop with this bellend and I'll debate it with you Janis: let you focus on that one 🥇 Jimmy: harder work than a latte him Janis: savage Janis: hope you hit him with that burn Janis: oh, forgot about yours Jimmy: I can do better than that me 🥇 Jimmy: oh shit, me an' all Jimmy: ✋ didn't fall off though, must be alright Janis: 🤞 or I've really fucked it with Ian Janis: no one wants a one-handed babysitter, even if he's live-in Jimmy: wouldn't be very goals for a boyfriend either Jimmy: I'd make it work but like a fake hand is going a bit far Janis: pretty macho Janis: pretend you lost it in a 🦈 attack Jimmy: can only be a duel, Juliet, come on Janis: damn, you right Janis: don't have a cousin who's in love with me though Janis: hope I don't, anyway, awkward to find out like this Jimmy: be fun round the Easter table Jimmy: 💔 I don't have any cousins Janis: Poor boy Janis: idk if he was related to that first bitch anyway so there's still hope Jimmy: I'd only be stuck looking after them too, ain't that 💔 or 💰 broke Janis: fair Janis: more trouble than they're worth in all areas Jimmy: got enough on with this dickhead dad Janis: yeah Janis: liked it better when he weren't there, tbh Jimmy: #same Jimmy: 🙏 for us when you're done making sure my hand stays on Janis: add it to the list Janis: hard work but a 😇 gotta do it Jimmy: good 'cause I wanna touch you again Janis: yeah? Jimmy: and 🤖 💕 not what I were necessarily thinking Janis: 😏 Janis: leave the vibrator at home okay Jimmy: hang on, can't turn down extra limbs if I've already lost one Janis: make up your 🧠 Jimmy: Oi, I'm thinking of you here Janis: so the considerate thing weren't an act, interesting Jimmy: shut up Janis: so cute 💕 Jimmy: I just Janis: it's alright, only pissing about Jimmy: don't sound like you Janis: promise it is Janis: not an opportunist mugger Jimmy: 👴💕 Jimmy: want me so bad they're willing to do owt now Janis: bit rude to use me as collateral Jimmy: they might not have that long to live, be fair Janis: so that means I've gotta wait Janis: 😒 Jimmy: we've got a pact you ain't dying without me Jimmy: and not til you couldn't 💕 me more Janis: alright Janis: what's one more day Jimmy: only gonna feel like a slow 💀💀💀 Janis: you're telling me Jimmy: I am, yeah Janis: mean Jimmy: Baby Janis: don't Janis: I miss you but I actually mean it Jimmy: I Jimmy: where are you? I'll get myself there then Janis: don't get into more trouble or never actually see you again Janis: real starcrossed shit Jimmy: 👻💕 Jimmy: You reckon I've got into enough for you? I don't Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: I can handle so much more, girl Janis: you can't come here Janis: let me think of something Jimmy: Alright Janis: okay, if I can get us a car, don't ask where it's from, yeah Jimmy: not actually a 👮🚔 babe Janis: good, 'cos my rep really can't handle that Jimmy: the rep I gave you can handle anything I also wanna give you Jimmy: including my dad's 🚗🔑 Janis: yeah? Janis: 'cos I got one for tonight, less likely to miss it than mr 😡 rn Jimmy: Less of a fuck you an' all but you're right Janis: don't need any more interruptions Janis: actual 🚨s included Jimmy: actual crashes too 'cause I'm a shit driver anyway Jimmy: not how I wanna kill you Janis: not how I'm planning on going out either Janis: I'm alright, and we need to be in the middle of nowhere so Janis: come to this address Janis: [mcvickers house soz i'm stealing your car lads] Jimmy: [should we let him go or not though?] Janis: [that's the real questions and I'm fine with it going either way at this point tbh, Ian would probably be being highkey but that could mean forcing him to stay in or kicking him out so you decide] Jimmy: [yeah exactly either is plausible as is her getting caught by Mcvickers so 🤔🤔🤔] Janis: [oh, might be good to burn that bridge for a bit so then she simply has to stay at his 'cos can never be home] Jimmy: [omg true lets do that then] Janis: [triggering everyone with your illegal driving like your sister ain't die] Jimmy: [its the only way Tess would be angry enough to be like get out tbh so real] Janis: [a new boy for you to hate in your old age god bless] Jimmy: [why not its been a while lol] Jimmy: ? Janis: fucking Janis: i'm Janis: you should go Jimmy: tell me you're alright or I'm going nowhere Janis: i am Janis: i mean i'm beyond fucked off but par for the course Jimmy: 👌 Janis: this is so stupid Jimmy: par for the course that Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: you have no idea 🙄 Janis: the ample opportunity we've had up until we actually need it takes the piss Jimmy: Sorry Jimmy: genuinely Janis: same but Janis: don't mention it Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: exactly Janis: sincerity is scary, boy Jimmy: 🙀 you Jimmy: be fucked if you weren't fit, Janet Janis: shut up Jimmy: you wanted insincere, mate Janis: no middleground, no Jimmy: very 🥉 thinking that Janis: go away Janis: don't have time for 2 arguments Jimmy: me either Janis: 🤐 or 😴 Jimmy: Alright Janis: any chance of your dad forgetting what I look like any time soon Jimmy: We were barely in the door Janis: not like he knows my name if you don't so 🤞 Jimmy: Gonna have to change it for him anyway, remember Jimmy: no ie ending no 💍 Janis: just a place to crash again is fine Jimmy: Julie's basically it any road Jimmy: won't miss the odd letter, will you Janis: my actual has 2 letters in common but yeah Janis: whatever works Jimmy: 🌹 whatever you're called, like #obvs Janis: 👌 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: not necessary tonight so give him time to get over it Janis: just you keep 😍 #obvs Jimmy: soon as I can get back in, I'll let you Janis: where are you gonna go Jimmy: It'll be morning in a bit and then I'll go work Janis: I am sorry Janis: make it up to you Janis: but there's no chance she's turning this car around to pick you up Jimmy: he don't need an excuse to be a prick Jimmy: and Ill survive a shift without my name badge Janis: still, he got one Janis: I left a blanket and shit at the park near yours last time, strapped under the ramp but it's usually gone if I leave it too long so Janis: but Jamie's the best 💔 Jimmy: that's like saying I deserve this, fuck that Jimmy: Jamie might Janis: nah Janis: you know what I meant Janis: and Jamie was into it okay, I'll have a word Jimmy: don't go near him, I don't trust that dickhead 😏 Janis: I'll try but Janis: hard to stay away Jimmy: I'll have a word then Jimmy: he's too 😍😍😍 for you if you ask me Janis: what's it to ya Jimmy: nowt Jimmy: just looking out for you, mate Janis: cheers 😏 Jimmy: You coming to the CG before your wanted posters go up then? Janis: once I've been delivered home for my 2nd bollocking Janis: not planning on sticking around Jimmy: I'm opening up for the rest of the hols as my manager's idea of mine Jimmy: tell them to get it over with and you can stick around here Janis: alright Janis: see you after my great escape then 🤞 Janis: you opening alone or you got your bff with Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: the lass with the extensions? Yeah Tony ain't thought that through Janis: as if I've had 👀 for anyone but Pete, you fool Jimmy: What kind of rumoured lesbian are you? Jimmy: sort yourself out Janis: don't sound like my type Janis: fake? no thanks Jimmy: I mean, she ain't 💀👑 so I get you don't want the competition over tits Janis: fuck off Jimmy: her hair'll still fall out if you pull it, you can make that similarity with Mia work Janis: 😑 Janis: so unfunny Janis: good thing you're fit Jimmy: and I've got 😎 + 🚬 for my personality traits Janis: don't do it for me but sure Jimmy: that sounds dead fake but alright Janis: how does that sound like anything I've ever faked Janis: check your socials, there's way more 😍💕😘 Jimmy: I'd love to obvs but it ain't tomorrow yet Jimmy: and tonight we said none of that bollocks Janis: right Janis: how are we gonna do the fake shit though Janis: going forward Janis: still business as usual or 💀 Jimmy: Is that your way of saying you wanna fake break up to secretly date me or what? Janis: no Janis: idk Janis: is it gonna be weird Janis: weirder Jimmy: always were weird Janis: well yeah Janis: note that -er Jimmy: I don't see how it'll be owt different to faking shit when I didn't like you Janis: alright Janis: why not Janis: not not working Jimmy: we can just see how it goes Jimmy: play it by 👂 if you can leave me one 🧛 girl Janis: no promises 👻 boy Jimmy: 😏 Janis: you sure you want me coming in Jimmy: You don't wanna? Janis: I wanna see you Janis: you see my point Jimmy: I'll see if I can ban them all Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: I mean Janis: gotta win your manager back 'round somehow Janis: order all the lattes you can, gals Jimmy: come and splash your own cash, rich girl Jimmy: won't need them then Janis: you want me to 💩 myself Jimmy: you got me Jimmy: 😍😍🤤🤤 Jimmy: proper kink for me that Janis: save it for the 3rd date Jimmy: you asking me out? Janis: depends Janis: you asking me to shit on you Jimmy: Depends Jimmy: You gonna be 💔 if I don't? Janis: obvs Janis: lifelong ambition Jimmy: There you go then Jimmy: owt to please you I said Janis: is it the next day already 💕 Jimmy: If you want Janis: sounds like some good ole fashioned fake shit, is all Janis: but fair, can't hear over the 📢 coming at me rn Jimmy: You know me and habits Janis: honestly Janis: can't let it go eh Jimmy: wouldn't wanna scare you, easy done that Janis: 🖕 Janis: not that dependent on it, funnily enough Jimmy: 👌 Janis: the fans, that's another story of 💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: let 'em down gently, babe Jimmy: what kind of bad boy Janis: the fake kind Jimmy: 🤞 the cancer risk is an' all Janis: should be vaping soft lad Jimmy: Piss off Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I know that's what you really want from me, babe Jimmy: but you'll have to find a lad who likes you enough to look that much of a twat Janis: then you don't know what I really want from you Jimmy: You gonna change your mind in a bit? Janis: if you're asking if I'll want a 🚬 after, don't be tight Janis: can spare me one Jimmy: Don't be a dickhead, whenever you've asked you've had Janis: and they say romance is dead Janis: not met you Jimmy: Tweet it tomorrow, like Janis: thought we'd started Janis: overachiever Jimmy: Why? Janis: 'owt to please you I said' you kicking us off Jimmy: Nah, it'd be fake if I said I didn't wanna when you know I do Janis: how long is your lunch and when Jimmy: I dunno when but I know it ain't long enough Janis: is that a humblebrag or actual though Jimmy: I said what I said Janis: 😒 Jimmy: What? Janis: not at you Janis: just the rest Janis: gonna go on a long fucking run Janis: nice knowing you if I end up in a different town, start again Jimmy: Alright Janis: got to wait for everyone else to fuck off Janis: ridiculous Jimmy: Swap places with me then Janis: alright Janis: get me a nametag, like Jimmy: Which one do you want on it? Janis: surprise me Janis: I'm method Jimmy: Yeah, love a surprise you Jimmy: I worked that out Janis: what you talking about Jimmy: 😏 Janis: don't 😏 at me Jimmy: Or what? Janis: I don't know but don't be mean Janis: won't come and see you Janis: 💔 that Jimmy: you Jimmy: that's meaner than owt I've said Janis: I know Janis: don't play around, me Jimmy: 😭😭 me Janis: baby Jimmy: How drunk am I? Janis: if anyone asks, we ain't Janis: but probably a fair bit Janis: beer pong champ Jimmy: easy to get 🥇 when you ain't playing, pisshead Janis: dangerously close to a compliment Jimmy: Take it Jimmy: I don't mind Janis: should've just stayed on the stairs Janis: that's what we shoulda done Jimmy: We'd have been interrupted quicker doing what we were if we had Janis: probably Janis: don't reckon any of the party-goers would be as committed to the cockblock though Jimmy: Bit late to test your theory now Jimmy: have to be next time Janis: promise Jimmy: Do you or do I? Jimmy: what are you saying? Janis: you Janis: that there's gonna be a next time Janis: proper one, real Jimmy: Come on Janis: say it Janis: wanna hear it Janis: and have it in writing Jimmy: You're such a dickhead Jimmy: have that in writing Janis: what you pussying out for Jimmy: I already said I don't want you in and out on my lunch break Janis: fine Jimmy: Bollocks Janis: ain't forcing you to say nothing Janis: i don't care if you know i want you though, so have it Jimmy: Tonight you don't Janis: what Jimmy: You heard Janis: yeah and that's bollocks Janis: i'm not saying i'm in love with you or any of that fake shit, i'm saying i wanna fuck you Janis: have for ages so Jimmy: and I'm saying don't take the piss out of me 'cause I don't immediately say owt that I ain't been allowed to before now Janis: um i weren't Jimmy: Whatever Janis: i fucking weren't Janis: god forget it Jimmy: like that's easy an' all Jimmy: You're just Jimmy: so Janis: whatever it is, I'm sure I know Jimmy: 'Course you do Jimmy: know everything you Janis: yep Janis: that too Jimmy: Biggest fucking head in all of Dublin Janis: tell me it's unwarranted Jimmy: You make me feel like a massive idiot, that's what I'm telling you Janis: not what i set out to do Janis: and don't think you are, for the record but what do you want Jimmy: What do you want? Jimmy: nowt I say or don't is working for you Janis: I don't know, alright Jimmy: Dangerously close to the truth so probably not alright, is it? Janis: like you do Janis: now who's taking the piss Jimmy: Like I don't know what? What I want? Jimmy: that is a pisstake yeah Janis: well how would I know Janis: don't say shit Jimmy: 1. you do know Jimmy: 2. yeah I do Janis: whatever Jimmy: I'm not good with words that don't mean I'm not saying owt to you Jimmy: fuck's sake Janis: alright let's just Janis: it's been a long weird night Janis: we can leave it Jimmy: So now you want me to shut up? Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I didn't say that, dickhead Janis: like I said, not trying to force you to say anything, that's not what I'm about Jimmy: I'm not thick, I know what leave it out means Janis: Jesus Janis: I'm trying to be nice for once Jimmy: Clearly not gonna work, that Janis: 👍 Janis: thanks Jimmy: Save it, better at faking that bit you Janis: fuck you then Jimmy: not unless your 2nd attempt at kicking a car is better than the 1st Janis: ha Janis: don't count on it Jimmy: I obviously can't Jimmy: but I were well aware you can't do owt right the first time so don't worry Janis: at least I get there in the end Janis: you did fuck all, as per Jimmy: Get where? Jimmy: you're nowhere same as I am Janis: not for long Jimmy: Impressive Janis: don't care what you reckon Jimmy: Make up your mind Janis: never have Jimmy: I know, you don't have any idea what you want, you said Janis: don't flatter yourself Janis: that's only about you and you don't feature in the big picture do you Jimmy: Why would I bother? Plenty of other dickheads to flatter me, including you earlier Janis: so? Janis: why do you reckon I'm gonna be embarrassed Jimmy: Why do you care what I reckon even as you're saying you don't? Janis: because it's worth a laugh Janis: it's just sex, plenty of people want you, plenty want me, who cares Jimmy: My entire reason for doing this is that I care about how wants me and doesn't Jimmy: who* Jimmy: and you'd throw me to them if you didn't Jimmy: So stop talking bollocks Janis: it ain't Janis: it's not that simple Jimmy: Why? Jimmy: You either give a shit or you don't Jimmy: and you either want me or you don't Jimmy: sort it out Jimmy: and when you have just say it Janis: I said I do want you Janis: I literally said it and you rejected it outta hand Janis: just because I was trying to say how much of a headfuck it is because what's real and what's fake and what parts are both Jimmy: You also said that after you've had a go I can basically fucking vanish 'cause who cares Jimmy: loads of others Janis: I didn't say it like that Janis: or mean it like Janis: it's just weird alright Jimmy: You're weird Jimmy: I don't get you Janis: no kidding Janis: what would you rather, I was like them Jimmy: #obvs Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: what's the point in pretending Jimmy: Depends Janis: to get dickheads to leave you alone aside #obvs Jimmy: How shit is it gonna be to break the habit? Janis: shit Janis: nothing to say we can't stick at it 'til you're old news Jimmy: isn't there? Jimmy: I reckon owt's been said and done Janis: then it won't be hard to break the habit if that's what you think Jimmy: Alright Janis: 👍 Jimmy: Fuck pretending then Janis: fuck pretending Jimmy: Don't be scared of me Jimmy: you can say or do owt you want Janis: why do you think I'm scared Janis: of you or anything Jimmy: because Janis: what, because I'm angry all the time Jimmy: because recognition Jimmy: I am, I know you are Janis: why are you scared Jimmy: Why is the why important? Janis: Deflection's easier, yeah Jimmy: 💔 then Janis: well you don't need to worry about that Jimmy: Yeah I do Janis: in general, yeah Janis: but not with me Jimmy: You think you're never gonna hurt me? Jimmy: wearing enough bruises for you already, aren't I? Janis: that weren't me, don't count Jimmy: cheat Janis: nah Janis: just saying, not my sport Janis: 💔 Janis: got no interested in breaking yours Jimmy: flattered, like Jimmy: but that's what every lass says Janis: so Janis: not every girl is me, been discussed Jimmy: Alright, calm down Jimmy: not like I know you, been discussed an all Janis: up to you if you wanna find out then Janis: but the idea you think I've got the time or energy to dedicate to that is insulting Jimmy: I get it, I ain't special, no need to go on about it Jimmy: heard you at bigger picture Janis: nothing personal Janis: no one is Jimmy: nowt is with you Jimmy: but you don't reckon I should be on my guard Jimmy: very suspect that Janis: you worried about being collateral, duck Janis: just saying, not gonna make it my life's mission to fuck you up Jimmy: and I'm saying you want me to tell you things, put myself out there when it don't mean owt to you Jimmy: how's that fair Janis: I never asked you to bare your soul to me Janis: I asked you to say you wanted to fuck me as well Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: I did say that Jimmy: if that were all you wanted to hear you wouldn't call owt a headfuck Janis: I know you're vague on purpose Janis: that's why I asked you to say it, so it couldn't be taken back and said it was never said Janis: that's the headfuck Janis: all the previous shit can be wrote off as fake and neither of us can argue otherwise even if we wanna Jimmy: But if it's just sex which means fuck all to you or to me then why do you care what I say or don't after? Jimmy: that's why I don't get you Janis: same reason we started this Janis: everyone gets to talk shit on me Janis: not having it taken as gospel 'cos you put your dick inside me thanks Jimmy: I weren't about to screenshot and tweet out this convo once I did Janis: you're the only one that can be on his guard Janis: nah Jimmy: I'm the only fucker admitting that I am Jimmy: If you reckon I'm like that, like them, why would you even wanna do any of it? Janis: never said I reckoned that Jimmy: You think I'm gonna talk shit about you Janis: you could Janis: do it to my face plenty so why wouldn't you Jimmy: because I do it to your face Jimmy: go no reason to go anywhere else with it Janis: flattered, like Jimmy: just Janis: there's no way to guarantee any of this shit so we may as well agree to trust Janis: or not trust Janis: either or Jimmy: been worked out that we don't Janis: then it's settled Jimmy: is it? Janis: like I said, what we gonna do Janis: make a blood oath Jimmy: left my dagger up north, soz Jules Janis: then it definitely is Janis: letdown Jimmy: I'll delete my profiles then Jimmy: avoid you til school starts Janis: don't be stupid Jimmy: Oh alright, what kind of fake break up do you want? Janis: have you been listening Janis: for fuck sake Jimmy: Have you? Janis: shut up, that's literally so far from the point of anything we were just talking about Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: go to hell Janis: seriously Jimmy: Tah for the holiday recommendation but the CG's only place I'm off to for a bit Jimmy: close but no 🚬 Janis: good, I hope you suffer Jimmy: 🤞 and 🙏 Janis: no need, you miserable prick Jimmy: not totally clueless then Janis: you wish Jimmy: I do wish you would catch onto a few, yeah Janis: heard you at avoid you til school starts, don't worry Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you're an absolute cunt Janis: why would you get me to say it again just to Jimmy: Go on Janis: and all that bullshit about being scared about getting hurt too Janis: what the fuck Jimmy: Yeah, all of this is utter bollocks Jimmy: what the fuck is right though Jimmy: what the fuck else do you expect me to do? Janis: how the fuck do you take me REPEATEDLY telling you that I want you as 'I'm going to ignore you from now on, bye' Janis: literally are we having the same conversation Jimmy: How can you think telling me repeatedly what a low fucking opinion of me you've got of me is gonna put me in a 😍 mood? Jimmy: Or that this is a good idea when we don't trust each other Janis: where Jimmy: You want this to mean nowt and now there's nowt to worry about Janis: I never said I have a low opinion of you Janis: and you don't give a shit about what I want so don't even pretend for the bit Jimmy: how do you take me REPEATEDLY asking you what you want as not caring about the answer? Janis: when you do the opposite Janis: how else can I take that Jimmy: like I said, what else can I do? Janis: not what I want, apparently Janis: alright Jimmy: I really fucking like you, alright Janis: we don't even know each other, how many times have you said that Jimmy: not enough obviously Jimmy: if it didn't make any difference Janis: but Janis: why Jimmy: Why are you asking me like its my fault? Janis: not fault but I do everything Janis: did everything so this doesn't happen Jimmy: It might be fake Jimmy: a headfuck like you said Jimmy: everything just Janis: you think so Janis: yeah you liked fake me Janis: you don't like me, you say it all the time Jimmy: that'd make more sense Jimmy: but tonight was real and I liked that too Janis: this is a mess Janis: i am Janis: you shouldn't get involved just 'cos I wanna Jimmy: but it weren't one sided Jimmy: everything we did earlier I wanted to do it Jimmy: and everything we still haven't Janis: it'd be easier if we hated each other Janis: its okay if I like you but you shouldn't like me Jimmy: just do me a favour alright Janis: what Jimmy: keep being real with me so I can work it out Janis: i don't want to hurt you Janis: i don't know or care how i put it before but i don't Jimmy: I'll live Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: might be that tonight's a fluke, I'm drunk and you're fit, not gonna not be into it Jimmy: you Janis: alright Janis: then it's a deal Jimmy: What? Janis: I'll keep being real Janis: like you asked Jimmy: Promise Janis: promise Jimmy: Alright, I swear I'm sorry Janis: what for Janis: not saying there's so much you gotta be specific but Jimmy: Making this weird Jimmy: weirder Janis: weren't one-sided either Janis: it's what it is Jimmy: Will you still Janis: come see you? Jimmy: Do you still wanna? Janis: yeah Jimmy: Okay Janis: besides, someone needs to make sure you don't die on the job Janis: bring you some caffeine that doesn't taste like shit Jimmy: and deny Ian the pleasure of doing me in? What kind of son would I be Janis: so your dads a real dick yeah Jimmy: you were warned Janis: we need to pimp out your shed so you got a place to sleep Janis: I was thinking Jimmy: the trampoline's alright, like you said Jimmy: can't remember how you did but you liked it Janis: when it's warm-ish out, yeah Janis: was comfy Janis: you or that dog woke me up though Jimmy: It's always warm out compared to Manchester Jimmy: why I need my 😎 Jimmy: and everything is always the 🐕 never me Janis: take your word for it on both of those Janis: 😏 Jimmy: Good Jimmy: I get why you reckon it'd be easier for us to hate each other but I hate Ian and nowt is for it Janis: yeah Janis: you're right Janis: there's nothing easy about hate it's just Janis: more familiar, idk Jimmy: the 💔 is different Janis: right Janis: if you already hate them, then it's not as shit, yeah Jimmy: At least you don't love me, it's even shitter when it's both together Janis: yeah Janis: headfuck doesn't begin to cover it Jimmy: @ my mum if she still used her profiles Janis: you don't know? Jimmy: She ain't logged in for years, why do you reckon I'm so tempted Janis: can't blame her Jimmy: who could compete with Iantaylor8 for online presence Jimmy: other than us Janis: well exactly Janis: also be a bit rude to deny the world your face Jimmy: yours Jimmy: so I'll keep my 📷 one Jimmy: maybe Janis: as long as you don't avoid me too Jimmy: I don't want to Janis: then don't Janis: I don't want you to either Jimmy: tell me again tomorrow Jimmy: when I'm less Janis: gotcha Jimmy: it just hurts more now Janis: i'm sorry Janis: do you want me to come? i don't have to Jimmy: you didn't do this Janis: what do you need, let's start there Jimmy: Now? Janis: yeah, now Jimmy: Tomorrow Jimmy: it needs to be tomorrow so I can see you Janis: baby Janis: you can see me today, it's alright Janis: I'll help you at work, it'll all be good Jimmy: I'm not letting you serve lattes to any of those dickheads Jimmy: you're too good Janis: shh Janis: i wanna help you somehow, i've gotta Jimmy: Do you wanna just 💀💀💀 them? Jimmy: me and you Janis: killing spree then a death pact is a solid chain of events but probably want to start in a better state, don't we Janis: 💪🥇 Jimmy: can be an utterly new pact if there's enough poison to go round Jimmy: you don't have to die at the end Janis: what about you? Jimmy: Did you forget? 👻 Jimmy: already am Janis: how could I Janis: is your manager actually in today? what if we contact that Pete kid see if he'll cover for you Janis: you should get some proper sleep, in an actual bed Janis: I can persuade him Jimmy: OMG you wanna use me to slide into his DMs Janis: boy, focus Janis: not really the sexiest approach, please do some overtime for my boyfriend Jimmy: 👀 on your 😍 girl Janis: 🙄😏 Janis: you gonna answer any of that or Jimmy: I don't know if my manager is supposed to be in Jimmy: probably won't be either way though Jimmy: Oh the money, power and the glory Janis: you can but dream, yeah Janis: well it's up to you then Janis: but it'd probably be worse if you were in and in this state so what he don't know Janis: can't get you sacked Jimmy: I don't have any other place to go though, do I Janis: won't he be at work by now himself? Janis: can come back to mine if not, no funny business Jimmy: he's not the one I care about Janis: your brother and sister? Jimmy: I'm not gonna wake her up to let me in Jimmy: or let him see me like Janis: right, okay Janis: we'll sort you out first Jimmy: Didn't reckon all that fake nursing training you had would really come in handy, eh? Jimmy: can't help being goals Janis: bit of an extreme length to go to for some TLC but I'll allow it Janis: I'm on my way now so just hold on, yeah Jimmy: I mean, it's fairly standard for me but alright Janis: how you pull all the birds is it Jimmy: Babe, I'm just SUCH a lad, yeah? Jimmy: get drunk, have a scrap, nick my dad's scotch and get MORE drunk Jimmy: all in a day's work Janis: gotta be done Janis: I get it Jimmy: 💕 Janis: fit right in on this bus Jimmy: don't get 💀💀💀 after we've changed the story in favour of your survival Jimmy: bit rude Janis: try my best Janis: don't victim blame me Janis: please and thanks Jimmy: don't sound like me Jimmy: blaming you for nowt Jimmy: 😂 bit soon? Janis: hmm, don't get cheeky, like Janis: just 'cos you're a patient today Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: just a bit then Janis: trying to be nice Jimmy: me an' all Jimmy: I promise Jimmy: I won't be cheeky enough that you kick me out of bed Janis: you're always nice, babe Janis: little ray of sunshine Jimmy: anyone can be nice Jimmy: you're Jimmy: 🌩🌪 Janis: I'll take it Jimmy: You know when you're a kid and you count Jimmy: that's what it's like waiting to see you Janis: you're gonna make me Janis: forget to be professional Jimmy: not on the clock til you get here, it's alright Janis: I'm mostly worried about when I do get there, like Janis: not that I'm about to give the bus a show Jimmy: don't worry I'll take care of you too Jimmy: we're a team Janis: yeah, we are Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you're alright, you know Janis: you know I think you're alright Jimmy: I will be when you show up Janis: such a smoothtalker, honestly Jimmy: I know you didn't think all that were fake Jimmy: come on Janis: there's only so far you can get with no inspiration, yeah Jimmy: good thing you're 🎨 or we'd have been exposed as frauds ages ago Janis: we're a pretty good team, all things considered Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: yep Janis: shame you can't put relationships on CVs Jimmy: I can't pay you owt either 💔 Janis: don't need it Janis: or want it, like Jimmy: but decent headshots could get you a modelling job 📷 not 🎯 Jimmy: I could do that Janis: then we could both go Janis: no 💀 Jimmy: might work Janis: start of a plan Janis: we have such a good track record, like Jimmy: 💀👑 would 💀🤯 Jimmy: ⚰🎊🍾 Janis: just when she thought she couldn't be any more jealous Jimmy: I can give motivational speeches as my 2nd job too cause I felt it with every emoji Janis: very empowering, babe 💕 Jimmy: onto something Janis: reckon so Janis: just don't bang EVERY model you shoot Janis: get well shaming Jimmy: They'd have to all be as fit as you Janis: practically in the job description Janis: unless they're the 'unique' kind Jimmy: there's loads in mine I don't do Janis: 😱 employee of the month Janis: shh Jimmy: you'd vote for Pete anyway Janis: don't think they follow democratic process Janis: and how dare you, Jamie is the backbone of that place Jimmy: still Jimmy: you would Janis: nah Janis: you deffo would though Jimmy: I'd vote for myself Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Janis: #selflove Janis: can respect it, boy Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 1. how much scotch did you drink Janis: 2. did you text your ex anything you should delete before you sober up Jimmy: if you're asking if there's any left for you 💔 I fucked up Jimmy: as for Hayley, she's been told to fuck off by half the north, she'll live Janis: could be worse then Janis: not for me, obvs Janis: but same Jimmy: I don't wanna get back with her, you know that, right? Janis: not my business either way Jimmy: Alright but do you have to say it like that? Janis: how do you want me to say it Jimmy: if its how you feel then Janis: look Janis: I'm glad I don't have to share your attention right now Janis: 'course I am but I don't need to sound possessive about it Jimmy: 👌 Janis: is it Jimmy: Before, you said Jimmy: maybe I can't remember it right though Janis: no go on Janis: it's cool Jimmy: I dunno, I just Jimmy: reckoned you needed to hear that Janis: I did think maybe Janis: just some things you'd said too but it's Janis: you know Jimmy: you go on Janis: well like I said, not my business if you were Janis: but yeah, I thought you were Janis: I'd get it Jimmy: I wouldn't get it Jimmy: I trusted her and she Jimmy: It don't even matter anymore Jimmy: I made a mistake doing that and she made hers Janis: it's okay, you don't owe me an explanation Janis: I don't know her or your situation Janis: I just thought, from my limited perspective, you hate it here, it'd be a link to home, even if it was a bad one, like Jimmy: I hated it there an' all Jimmy: just 'cause I didn't ask and weren't asked to come here don't mean I wanna go back Janis: oh Janis: well that I get Jimmy: you had it right when you called me a miserable prick or whatever it were Janis: bit harsh though Janis: shit's shit Janis: you'd be an idiot if you didn't see it Jimmy: 🌧☔ me Jimmy: I'm alright with it by now Janis: yeah? Janis: that's something then Jimmy: everything's shit everywhere Jimmy: nowt gonna change next place he drags us Janis: wherever you go, there you are Jimmy: might get a new mum, might not Jimmy: might hear from my actual, might not Janis: she don't even call Jimmy: and say what? Janis: fucked Jimmy: they both were Jimmy: are Jimmy: and so are us kids Jimmy: ⚪ Janis: yep Janis: get out early as you can Janis: and don't have kids yourself Janis: only poem I've read that's any use Jimmy: 💔 that age 6 is probably pushing it a bit Janis: give it a few more years of shit and you can get away with it Jimmy: I'll start him on the poem anyway Janis: Larkin's dead easy Janis: debatable how appropriate but I'd go for very so Jimmy: 👍 Janis: so we're going back to mine first Janis: or what Jimmy: You made this plan Janis: you gonna comply Jimmy: Depends Janis: that's what I was 🙀 of Janis: go on Jimmy: my 🙀💕 Janis: 😏 Jimmy: What's your house like? Janis: old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere Janis: perfect place for the local nutters to reside Jimmy: well now I'M 🙀🙀🙀 Janis: you should be Janis: nah, you'll be able to get a decent kip, they're all doing their own shit and giving me disapproving looks if they know what's good for 'em Jimmy: Alright, protect me then Janis: always, babe Jimmy: I'm being dead serious Janis: 1. what makes you think I ain't Janis: 2. why Jimmy: just Janis: we can sneak in Janis: well, we can try but I don't know how well you'll do, pisshead Jimmy: Shut up 🏆💪 Janis: happy to be proved wrong Janis: it'll all be good though, promise Jimmy: stay close to me and you can every step Janis: I won't leave you on your own Jimmy: because you wanna stay or because you reckon I'll 🤢 and choke to 💀💀💀 Janis: you've made it this far without me, I'm not that bigheaded Janis: believe that or not Janis: I wanna stay Jimmy: even if I wanna die I wouldn't give Mia owt close to any satisfaction so that ain't the way for me to go Janis: hot Janis: keeping it petty, even in 💀💀💀 Jimmy: remind me to send it as a tweet tomorrow or something Janis: 'course Janis: that relatable suicidal/horny vibe, they get it Jimmy: #ultimategoals Janis: I think so Jimmy: I think no # would ever do you justice Jimmy: a voice memo is pushing it even with this top accent Janis: that laugh one you sent me was cute Jimmy: you do make me 😂 girl Janis: I know Janis: got the evidence for all time now 💕 Jimmy: keep it Jimmy: I'll be back as a 👻 fucking up all your electronics baby Janis: dunno what you got against 🍆s Jimmy: if they're not in you then nowt Janis: 😂 Janis: new levels of jealousy that Jimmy: is it? Janis: new to me Jimmy: Soz then Janis: don't Janis: don't need to be, like Jimmy: but if it's weird Jimmy: or too like Janis: it ain't Janis: its Janis: it ain't Janis: I wanna hear it all Janis: don't hold back okay Jimmy: You wanna hear what bits you do then you want me to shut up is what you mean Janis: would've said it if that's what I meant Janis: just 'cos I don't know what to say don't mean you can't say it if you wanna Jimmy: it's what everyone means, nowt personal Janis: you're just so chatty, like Jimmy: You just bring it out in me Janis: 'course Jimmy: so inspiring Jimmy: have to write you a poem now I know you're such a fan Janis: 😂 Janis: go on, he was always drunk Janis: will be a masterpiece Jimmy: Alright, shut up and let us crack on Janis: such a 🎨 temperament Janis: 🤐 alright Jimmy: [a selfie of his adorably drunk concentration face like 🤔 with a pen in his mouth and everything] Janis: you're cute Jimmy: shhh Jimmy: OMG Janis: your fault Jimmy: Girl if you don't 🤐🤐🤐 Janis: or what, boy Jimmy: You'll show up and I'll show you Janis: mhmm 😏 Janis: reckon you've got like 5-10 so write fast Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: nearly done Janis: dread to think Jimmy: Oi🥇 muse and top content Jimmy: so rude Janis: just a sext that rhymes, yeah? Jimmy: You ain't having it now Jimmy: gonna 🔥 it dramatically in this bin Janis: let's not play with fire tah Janis: and don't be mean Jimmy: you Janis: I'm joking Janis: I'm sure it's 🔥 Jimmy: [a poem that I don't have the talent to actually write soz lads] Janis: it actually is Janis: how did you do that Jimmy: I told you got a 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 muse in you Jimmy: keep up with what I'm saying, Janet Janis: but really Jimmy: What? Janis: you're good, that's all Jimmy: Baby Janis: I mean it, like Janis: no bullshit Janis: english teacher must love you Jimmy: she don't Jimmy: too much 🎨 in my margins Janis: can't be tamed Janis: maverick Jimmy: rebel with just that one cause still Janis: 'course baby Jimmy: if you ain't wearing your pjs why would you even be here, like Janis: you can see 'em when we get back Janis: sure you've missed them Jimmy: gonna make me 😭😭 Janis: emotional drunk Janis: it's alright, won't tell Jimmy: emotional support PJs Janis: 😂 don't get to be a funny one and all Jimmy: can do it all me Janis: 😍 Janis: just need to sleep, alright Jimmy: you wanna 🥊 or 💋? Jimmy: working through the list Janis: you know we can't do either yeah Janis: not drunk as you now Janis: nothing if not fair, me Jimmy: can fix that for you Jimmy: unless your parents are teetotal or something Jimmy: even then can't live that in the middle of nowt, can you Janis: lol you have no idea Janis: wait and see Janis: and we're fixing you, not feeding my addiction Jimmy: 💔💔 Janis: I know, how d'ya think I feel Janis: things I do for you Jimmy: I'll owe you though, you love that Janis: that's you but good to even the score Janis: can't lie Jimmy: There you go then Janis: 💕 Jimmy: 🤢🤢🤢 Janis: is that a subtle way to say I need to hurry or Jimmy: working through a list, I said Jimmy: gotta use the bin for something since you said no fires Janis: so demanding Janis: almost like I don't want you getting more burns Jimmy: that Freddy Krueger #aesthetic though 😍 Jimmy: love a stripy jumper me Jimmy: very slimming 💀👑 will double tap my OOTD faster than you can say no cheese Janis: you are technically a nonce so Janis: the fedora fits Jimmy: 😂 Janis: where are you then Jimmy: where am I Jimmy: good question that Janis: full of 'em, me Janis: gimme a clue Jimmy: 🍀 Janis: oh good, you ain't fled the country Janis: wouldn't be very good for my rep, that Jimmy: Looking for a bus has gotta be easier than looking for the one lad Jimmy: hang on Janis: how blurry are your 👀 Jimmy: I'll take my 😎 off, babe Jimmy: for you Janis: scandalous Janis: behave you Jimmy: #nudes Jimmy: 👀 Janis: dunno if I'll recognize you even Jimmy: 😱😱😱💔🎻🎻 Jimmy: supposed to know me anywhere you Jimmy: the films have fucking lied Janis: shit fake gf me Janis: always said it Jimmy: If you want a tea you'll have to wait til we get back Jimmy: or fake it of course Janis: wanna have a tea party Jimmy: Depends Janis: guest list? Jimmy: So who else is invited? Janis: only the best 🧸s in town Jimmy: Forget that twat 🧸 your sister hangs out with then Janis: 😂 Janis: deffo Jimmy: I dont want owt to do with him Jimmy: no trust there, like Janis: unless he makes his own way Janis: ain't risking that bear cave to bring him Jimmy: if he is owt like her Jimmy: 🥇 at turning up where she ain't wanted Janis: telling me Janis: 🤞 he's like his father Jimmy: yeah, your birth being one Jimmy: well awkward Janis: so rude, honestly Janis: fuming in that womb I was Jimmy: Well done on taking the spotlight every day since, mate Janis: 🤷 Janis: someone's gotta Janis: she'd melt Jimmy: the kind of commitment I need Jimmy: and you need on your CV Janis: always banking them transferrable skills Jimmy: might be the hottest thing you've ever said Jimmy: dunno but it's up there Janis: you're a lucky boy Janis: everyone knows Jimmy: fake 💍 ASAP then Janis: have to find me first Jimmy: Stop distracting me Jimmy: or be distracting IRL Janis: [find this boy lmao] Jimmy: [just like oh hey cos how far away can he really be] Janis: [exactly, when you've gotta wait for a bus straight back, go to a different cafe and get some breakfast kids] Jimmy: [state of him he needs it lbr] Janis: [just steering him like] Jimmy: [nice parallel to when he had to when she hurt herself on that trip lol] Janis: [just silently fuming at Ian's handiwork blatantly, actually getting a pot of tea too 'cos why not] Jimmy: [tea improves any situation okay bye] Janis: [trufacts] Jimmy: [are they sitting next to each other or opposite? Real questions] Janis: [hmm, probably opposite on a lil 2 seater moment] Jimmy: [eye contact ftw] Janis: [plenty of time for snuggling later, oh the casual tension you're having to put aside rn girl, it fine lmao] Jimmy: [so soz Janis but actually no Im not haha] Janis: ['better?'] Jimmy: ['if things between us are' you know hes drunk when he answers a question] Janis: [nods but looks away like so casual 'course'] Jimmy: [when you're just trying to do something to make her look at you again but you end up just gently holding her face and looking into her eyes for 9 years] Janis: [bit deer in the headlights but allowing it still] Jimmy: [nods genuinely like okay I believe you as if she hasnt just come all this way to find you and take care of you bitch] Janis: [licks his hand like get off but also kisses it 'dope'] Jimmy: ['stop giving me such weird compliments'] Janis: ['stop taking insults as compliments, slag' 😏] Jimmy: [throws a sugar packet at her like how sweet] Janis: [puts it in his tea like energy] Jimmy: ['Oi, sweet enough me' but puts another one in anyway] Janis: 🍬🍨🍧🍭🍰 Janis: you Jimmy: Tah Janis: any time Jimmy: 🤞 won't be any time soon Janis: ['try your best' shrugs 'like you said, ain't your fault though'] Jimmy: My fault he ain't 💀💀💀 Janis: I'll come through with the ☢️⚠️☣️ Jimmy: only so many times I can say tah before it's weird, you know Janis: won't tell if you forget your manners Jimmy: 😏 you'd like it is why Janis: shh Janis: return the favour Jimmy: not gonna say owt to anyone Jimmy: mute, remember Janis: can be as loud as you wanna, remember Jimmy: that middle of nowhere, is it? Jimmy: 👌 Janis: told you Janis: no one can hear you 😱 Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: very shy me Janis: yeah, noticed Janis: 😏 Jimmy: [playfully nudges her but nearly knocks the precious tea everywhere cos drunkard] Janis: ['careful!'] Janis: I ain't got an apron and you can't be out yours yet Jimmy: [throws a napkin at her like sorted] Janis: [😑] Jimmy: sure you don't wanna 🥊, babe? Janis: stop being tempting Jimmy: never 💕 Janis: what am I gonna do with you, like Jimmy: What do you wanna do with me? Janis: [a LOOK 😳] Jimmy: [obviously giving her one back but shamelessly] Janis: [putting your finger to his mouth like he speaking] Jimmy: [you know they gotta go in his mouth in a saucy manner now girl he got no chill and cant be stopped] Janis: we're in public Jimmy: You're my girlfriend in public Janis: you see anyone else doing Janis: that Jimmy: if they were going out with you, I would see it, yeah Janis: you're wasted Jimmy: and what? Janis: don't write cheques you can't cash Jimmy: it's won't not can't Jimmy: and that's only 'cause you said Janis: yeah okay Janis: but that's the right thing to do Janis: even if I don't wanna Jimmy: If it feels right to you then Janis: you know it is Janis: or you'll know later Jimmy: Later I'll be 😴💤 I won't know nowt Janis: that's the plan Janis: come find me after that, yeah? Jimmy: Where are you going? Janis: nowhere Jimmy: might actually be able to find you then Janis: 🤞 Janis: believe in ya Janis: ['finish up' 'cos bus has to come eventually] Jimmy: [when you just give her a look like do you though? before necking that tea honey] Janis: [gathering their shit and holding the door open for him like come on boy] Jimmy: ['so romantic you' as he goes through the door like] Janis: [does a bow] Jimmy: [lols] Janis: [😍] Jimmy: [takes her hand because if you cant handhold when you need to be kept upright when can you] Janis: ['least you'll definitely get a seat' 'cos can't be wobbling about the bus lmao] Jimmy: ['A northern 45 is a 95 anywhere else, only gotta spread the word a bit'] Janis: ['you're doing a great job with the psa, mate'] Jimmy: [IRL 👍] Janis: [sitting him down and she should have to stand busy bus vibe] Jimmy: [trying to move up as if she can share this seat with you like that unthinkingly but she not #smol] Janis: tah Jimmy: [shrugs] Janis: considerate forever Jimmy: [gesturing that she can sit on you because not like she hasnt before and its all so casual lol lol lol] Janis: [a look like are you sure? also excuse them the like old lady he's probably next to heheheh] Jimmy: [a look like do you wanna stand for 13 years I dont think so] Janis: [shrugs and hops on] Jimmy: [wrapping his arms around her like a seatbelt even though shes not gonna fall off and we know you just are doing a little hug moment boy] Janis: [so soft] Jimmy: [god bless] Janis: [a moment even if you're dying slightly] Jimmy: [just really leaning his head on her so casually here too nbd] Janis: [stroking his hair and sneaky checking the bruises and stuff] Jimmy: [he started it but its too soft and hes dying like] Janis: at least you look cool Janis: [is sad face tho] Jimmy: [makes her sad face a smiley face by smushing it] Janis: [lols 'excuse me'] Jimmy: helping you look if not 😎 then 😊 Janis: you're sweet Jimmy: you not gonna do the emojis this time? Jimmy: 💔 Janis: baby Jimmy: [😍 in this close a proximity, not a good idea boy, but here we are] Janis: you're just very Janis: distracting Janis: [so much eye contact] Jimmy: [when you say 'you' out loud so you don't have to break it by looking down at your phone to type] Janis: [annnnnd hold, just internally debating if you can kiss him or not morally] Jimmy: [we all know he would be leaning in to kiss her and then would so] Janis: [go with it girl, it's okay] Jimmy: [don't mind them bus peeps they just gotta have a moment] Janis: [lmao the tutting they don't even notice rn] Jimmy: [deal with it slags they are in love] Janis: [the level of restraint you need to keep it just at a makeout moment tbh, the old lady should need to get off like ahem lol] Jimmy: [honestly its been SUCH a night and they are gonna be on this bus for ages yet gdi, off you go 👵] Janis: [least they've got two seats now, spread out] Jimmy: [but never that much you clingy bitches #same] Janis: [lbr would've taken you longer than necessary to get off his lap] Jimmy: [a mood] Janis: [😍] Jimmy: [has to kiss her again obvs because they stop when they want not when a 👵 says so] Janis: [which is lowkey never but it's fine, long bus journey] Jimmy: [at least you can take advantage of having slightly more space to basically swap over so he's all but on top of her now instead, the tuts would be LOUD haha] Janis: [just being like 'don't get too comfy' 😏 between kisses] Jimmy: [giving a LOOK because unrepentant af about any of this soz passengers] Janis: [when you have to be the one with some control lmao good luck] Jimmy: [at least theres plenty of other people on this bus to tell you to get some LOL] Janis: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: 👀🔪🔪🔪 Janis: 👴👵🚨👮⛓ Jimmy: 👵💔👴 Jimmy: so jealous them Jimmy: 👮🚔 will be an all Janis: yeah you're pretty cute Jimmy: you Janis: you wanna 🥊 so bad Jimmy: not what I most want but alright Janis: really Janis: maybe you should be clearer Jimmy: [more kisses that are more extra, look away people] Janis: I get it Jimmy: You sure? Janis: ['You know you wanna' and a LOOK] Jimmy: [forever returning those looks bitch and you can have some lovebites too girl cos its been a minute for you] Janis: [into it] Jimmy: [likewise] Janis: [just taking photos of said bruises like it's a force of habit but you just wanna] Jimmy: [thats fine because gives him an excuse to take 📷 of her too which he always just wants to] Janis: you gonna be my personal photographer Janis: when I'm mega famous Jimmy: Do you still want me to follow you about then? Janis: Do you? Janis: [are you him like] Jimmy: Where are you going? Janis: Paris, Milan, Tokyo Janis: list is endless Jimmy: Alright Janis: alright Janis: sorted Jimmy: til I get lost Jimmy: at least you know how to take a decent selfie, babe Janis: have to put a tracker on you Janis: not a crazy gf, for his safety purely Jimmy: [lols] Janis: [😍] Jimmy: [just looking into those 😍 with your own] Janis: [😳] Jimmy: [kissing her on each cheek really soft like hes practising for europe but we know its for the 😳] Janis: ['stop' but soft] Jimmy: [does but doesnt move far enough away so still up in her grill like] Janis: [just pushing his head down, gently lol, like go to sleep] Jimmy: [pouty face] Janis: [squishing his face for revenge] Jimmy: [like oi because standard but snuggling into her] Janis: ['promise I'll wake you up'] Jimmy: ['no challenge too hard going for you, I get it' sleepy voiced] Janis: ['flexes the arm he ain't on] Jimmy: [a genuine smile] Janis: [have a snooze boy we'll skipperoo] Jimmy: [take some deep breaths Janis theres so much more to come babe] Janis: [roll up on the cali gaff lads] Jimmy: [that wont be awks at all now that its whatever o clock in the morning] Janis: [when one of them probably stayed home to watch her so she already snuck out to get him, on the shit list big time rn] Jimmy: [I hope whichever parent it is aint doing yoga on the lawn rn] Janis: [lmao now is not the time lads, not sneaking though 'cos fuck you fam is the mood evidently] Jimmy: [it really isnt because it should probably be Ali to show how seriously they are taking the driving escapade so him thinking her mum is fit is really not the mood] Jimmy: [also take a moment to really appreciate HOW MANY cats he would think he was half asleep still cos wtf] Janis: [i vibe] Janis: [when you're so embarrassed by your fam/house/everything tbh like get in my room quick thanks] Jimmy: [at least he wont really fully register it cos actually is sleepy so she can just hustle him through speedily] Janis: [just moving her shit out the way so he can get in] Jimmy: [I cant even think what her room would look like either dont start me] Jimmy: [so much like her nan bye] Janis: [like it was once nice 'cos can afford nice shit but is now wrecked/she's never in there now so any posters would be dated as hell] Jimmy: [I feel like hes gotta notice that even though hes not gonna say anything] Jimmy: [file that away in your head boy] Janis: [for another time, also have a nice tuck-in moment for the throwback] Jimmy: [yaaas! what size is her bed?] Janis: [defs a double 'cos she doesn't have loads of other shit she needs so she can] Jimmy: [good thinking you aint gonna have a homework desk are you babe] Janis: [and the attic is already more sizeable anyway soz lads, like they all could, but for example we said grace don't 'cos she wants her youtube background moment so then there is no room] Jimmy: [and Grace never brings lads home cos she would rather die so priorities] Janis: [surprised she brings her friends tbh, Mia like we coming bitch] Jimmy: [she wouldnt want them there but yeah Mia inviting herself from day 1] Janis: [getting all the tea the snek] Jimmy: [I hate her so much because we all know bitches like that] Janis: [mhmm] Jimmy: [anything I need to know about that Janis is gonna do while hes just sleeping and snuggling?] Janis: [she'd probably do some homework 'cos promised she wouldn't leave obvs, work out 'cos all the tension today but that's only next room and also snuggle] Jimmy: [I was gonna say, use that gym honey its been a DAY for you both] Janis: [mhmm honey] Jimmy: [we need another skip cos we gotta let this poor boy sleep for a while] Janis: [let her have a sleep too 'cos also hasn't so he can wake up first] Jimmy: [casually like where the fuck am I in that hot sec before he realises shes still right there bitch 😍 at her for a bit boy she wont know] Jimmy: [but actually like snuggling into her more cos you know you should check your phone to see if your siblings are alive but you dont wanna but thanks to Ian it would hurt trying to bury your head cos you arent drunk anymore so youre like ow and thatd probably wake her up so] Janis: [enjoy boy, waking up like 'hey'] Jimmy: [saying it back in the quietest voice ever] Janis: ['you need water?' and going to get up] Jimmy: [when youre like I need painkillers for all these injuries but you arent gonna say that because gotta be hard and northern so say nothing] Janis: [looking back like ?] Jimmy: [a very helpful shrug, oh boy have some water and dont be a knob] Janis: [goes for that water] Jimmy: [does check his phone to make sure Cass and Bobby are alright] Janis: [should've washed his uniform for him so he can look like he's been a presentable boy at work all day, so bringing that back in too] Jimmy: [thats so domestic I nearly screamed then] Janis: [when you so caring on the low and no one knows rn] Jimmy: [he would be DYING because he dont have a mum to care about him and clearly Ian isnt] Janis: [trufacts] Jimmy: [fully conceal dont feel boy so she doesnt know how much that got to you] Janis: [just sitting back down on the bed, looking at him like 🤔 'well, you look less pissed at least'] Jimmy: [he was drinking his water and keeping it casual so gotta do a little choke laugh into it like] Janis: ['if you die when I've gone to all this trouble, I swear' 😏] Jimmy: ['less witnesses here than on the bus, be alright' 😏 oh the double meaning excuse you slag] Janis: ['that's alright then' so flirty] Jimmy: [forever giving LOOKS, oh you two] Janis: [all the looks all the time, also the PJs are on as promised so] Jimmy: [give them a nod now youre properly awake boy] Janis: [little lol] Jimmy: [takes her hand and puts it on his pulse so she can see that hes still alive cos obvs trying to kill him with how cute she looks and is] Janis: [just moving your hands up and down 'cos you wanna but then getting to his face and pausing like 'what you gonna tell the kid, if he asks?'] Jimmy: [looks down at some old burn scar or other and back at her like theres your answer cos can easily say he did it at work by falling over something or whatever] Janis: [nods 'then you're good to go-' adding '-whenever' 'cos blatantly does not want it to be yet tah] Jimmy: ['Is the plan to starve me out or-' obviously stalling because he doesnt wanna go either ha 'Mia'll be well proud' but also when was the last time they ate either of them lbr] Janis: ['could just say you're hungry, dickhead' gentle push back down, like 'what you want?'] Jimmy: ['it'd end the live tweets too quick that' gets comfy and doesnt answer what he wants of course v helpful] Janis: [when you get on top of him like you're about to playfight or be saucy, which is it??? neither, getting up like 'get what you're given then, boy' 😏] Jimmy: 💔 Janis: sure you don't wanna live-tweet it? Jimmy: You want that to be your rep then? Janis: worse things than a heartbreaker, I guess Janis: jussayin, you had your chance to chat to me 🤐 Jimmy: Oi, not if it's my heart under the 🔨 Jimmy: so rude you Janis: so your 🖤 is delicate but your lungs and kidney can take it? Janis: noted Jimmy: swing a 🔨 delicately, do you? Noted Janis: forgot liver, but thought that might be a sensitive topic still Janis: very fucking considerate, I'll have you know Jimmy: might be for you, pisshead Jimmy: I'm alright Janis: now Janis: thanks to my excellent nursing Jimmy: Then an' all Jimmy: but I know how into giving it a go you were, not the only considerate one you Janis: even if we're back to faking it, you were never that good Janis: your 😵🥴 and bambi walk gave you away Jimmy: might be concussion that, you didn't ask, some nurse you Janis: didn't need to, you told me about the scotch of your own freewill Janis: so rude to question my competence Janis: risky, when I'm making you food as well Jimmy: scotch which came after, could've already had the serious head injury Janis: 🙄 considering you've survived your all-day nap Janis: gonna say I was right and you're taking the piss Jimmy: no 🏆 coming your way for a fluke, mate Janis: don't ask for much do ya Janis: don't fancy being your real gf, high maintenance motherfucker Jimmy: Nowt off you, I hate to be disappointed me Jimmy: enough 🎻 playing as is Janis: come up here and help yourself then, twat Jimmy: You're alright Jimmy: 💀👑 is probably hiding in your fridge Janis: sniffing calories Janis: yeah well you can go in the freezer if you don't start behaving Jimmy: beats a cold 🚿 if you're gonna keep being so 😍😍🤤🤤 Janis: not if you're concussed Janis: can't risk injuring you further 'til you're all better, can I Jimmy: I have been before, I ain't now Jimmy: You'll have to think of another way to lose your fake nursing qualification Janis: 'cos that's what I wanna do Jimmy: be out of your hands if you ain't 🥇 Janis: and lemme guess, you'll be 🥇 and in charge, yeah? Jimmy: Let me guess, you want Pete to have final say, yeah? Janis: I mean, don't even put the idea in my head if you want this food any time soon Janis: 😍😍🤤🤤 can't share that cold 🚿 Jimmy: fuck it, go on into his DMs its been a bit and I can wait one Janis: BUT WHAT DO I SAY?!?! 😱 Jimmy: pic gonna be worth loads more than words, girl Jimmy: he's an artist Janis: 👂 not 👀 but I get your point Janis: and a voice message would be well forward Jimmy: and you're 🙀🥇🙀 obvs Janis: piss off Janis: not sending nudes to every fit boy I see ain't 🙀 it's sane Jimmy: 👌 Janis: you do it then Jimmy: he don't want mine Janis: 💔 Jimmy: and you turning out to be my beard isn't very believable Janis: why not Jimmy: would've picked a different lass if that's what I was after Jimmy: more girly or something Janis: 🖕 Janis: ignoring you now Jimmy: Why 'cause I'm not gay? Bit rude Janis: no because you're rude Jimmy: for not sending unwanted nudes to my straight male coworker? Nah mate you've got that wrong Janis: 😑 Janis: to me Jimmy: What for? Janis: what do you mean what for Jimmy: What do you mean I'm being rude to you? Janis: where to begin Janis: it comes that natural, you don't even notice, eh Jimmy: You notice owt that ain't happening Janis: don't be a gaslighter, that ain't #goals Jimmy: don't be throwing words about that you could save for a # Janis: liked you better when you were asleep Jimmy: I liked you better when I were too Janis: your sense of directions for shit but you can work on where the door is if that's the case Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: are you taking this food or what Jimmy: is it done or what? Janis: you're in such a rush Janis: would you even be done with your shift yet Jimmy: You told me to be in one Janis: I never Jimmy: you said fuck off out so I'm going Janis: I said stop being a dick Jimmy: you said leave Janis: well if you don't like me why would I do things for you and why would you want me to Jimmy: I never said Janis: yeah well you did Jimmy: that were you Janis: you said it back Janis: I was joking Jimmy: because in dreams owt can happen, why wouldn't that be better? Janis: now you're gonna be slick, huh Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: whatever, keats Janis: just stay and eat Janis: in the oven now, don't need go waste Jimmy: only gonna take poison off your 💋 Jules so don't get any other ideas with the 🍽 Janis: promise Jimmy: I'll take your word, no need to 🔪 yourself to get it written out anywhere else Janis: yeah if they reckon last night was a suey attempt they probably will take the knives so I'll be 😇 Jimmy: til I take you somewhere else, any road Jimmy: soon have you back at 😈🥇 Janis: not sure I can take your word on that score yet Janis: but we'll see Jimmy: Why not? Janis: still impatiently waiting for you to take me, ain't I Jimmy: if you're so impatient let's go Janis: gotta eat Jimmy: not me 👻 Janis: take my duties very serious, even if you doubt my ability Jimmy: so serious you Jimmy: that'll be why you were all jokes a bit ago Janis: keep your on your toes Janis: check for any concussion Jimmy: I'll work out with you, stop begging Janis: never keep up, baby Jimmy: That hurts, babe Jimmy: Ian's got nowt on you Janis: give him pointers on the verbal smackdown if I see him Janis: 😒 Jimmy: 🤞 you won't but tah Jimmy: getting really boring having the same row every time, like Janis: yeah, figured I was fucked for an invite back Janis: give him some new material, whilst I'm at it Jimmy: I meant 'cause he makes himself scarce for a bit after Jimmy: not showing you the door Janis: Ah Janis: almost like remorse, but not quite, sir Jimmy: Don't wanna look at me til I'm healed Jimmy: he'll have that in common with my instagram feed I'm sure Jimmy: 💔 Janis: Prick Jimmy: You ready for your close up then? Jimmy: be your time to shine, this Janis: so kind of you to share your spotlight Janis: 😏 Jimmy: well you know, if the queen of the undead asks I got every bruise decking some dickhead for you or whatever so I won't need it Jimmy: hero worshipped as standard Janis: she ain't very good down on her knees, so the rumor mill says so might wanna reconsider getting 'em 🙏 Jimmy: Teeth falling out during would put anyone off tbf Jimmy: 🤞 she at least swallows them Jimmy: Tooth fairy won't come but the lad might still Jimmy: 💕 Janis: put out a poll in the groupchat Janis: important info Jimmy: Where's Grace's room, if I don't get lost I'll ask her Janis: piss off Jimmy: Come on, tell me Janis: shut up, no Jimmy: spoilsport Janis: you're disgusting Jimmy: What? Janis: you know what Jimmy: No Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: go on Janis: I don't need to, pretty obvious Janis: ask your sister the same shall I Jimmy: She don't have a #squad for you to get the goss on, soz babes Janis: well I'm not gonna, freak Janis: neither are you Jimmy: What's the fucking matter with you? Janis: what are you on about Jimmy: You heard Janis: and you heard, shut up chatting about my sister Janis: don't see how you don't see that that's weird Jimmy: I weren't chatting about her, just her besties Jimmy: So what's your problem with that? Janis: just quit whilst I've got hot food coming at you or it'll end up in your lap Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: [coming through with some kind of safe food she's just shoved in for them] Jimmy: [takes it so he can eat it and shhh] Janis: [omnom] Jimmy: [awkward moody silent eating lol] Janis: [fun times forever] Jimmy: [just finishing speedily and getting ready to go as if I'm gonna let that happen haha] Janis: [looking up as if she's shooketh 'alright?'] Jimmy: [a nod that's clearly incorrect] Janis: [a funny face like obvs not 'come on'] Jimmy: [a look thats like dont tell me to come on] Janis: [😱😬😋 in that order] Jimmy: [leaving but not really cos I still ain't gonna let him get that far obvs] Janis: excuse you Jimmy: can do, if you want Janis: the least you can do is say bye Jimmy: Alright then Jimmy: bye Janis: fuck you, come back here and say it to my face Jimmy: [does come storming back in but doesnt say it, because just looking at her intensely instead] Janis: [😡 face 'say.it.'] Jimmy: ['you' doesnt need to be as up in her grill as he is, but what's new 'why are you being such a massive dickhead?'] Janis: ['me?' outrage lmao 'you. what is your problem right now?'] Jimmy: ['What's yours? I fucking asked you ages ago'] Janis: ['Nothing, you've been an asshole ever since you woke up'] Jimmy: ['No, I've not, you've been having a go at me since your sister got mentioned'] Janis: ['and I told you, it weren't funny'] Jimmy: [annoyed shrug like whatever then] Janis: ['goodbye then' and flinging yourself dramatically on the bed] Jimmy: [does not move] Janis: [is on phone not looking his way so] Janis: what Jimmy: [taking her phone off her #problematic] Janis: [death stare 'WHAT'] Jimmy: [when you can't handle her shouting at you because soft boy 5ever so you're in a shut down like you didnt start this, oh boy so problematic] Janis: ['what' at a normal level like genuine confusion] Jimmy: ['everything's shit' but quietly like the grandma I am would be like ?? 'since I woke up, before then, just....'] Janis: [sighs, rubbing her temples and sitting back down from getting up to shout 'yeah' also quiet 'it is'] Jimmy: [sits next to her but not close to her, a throwback to that bench on the school trip because I'm that slut] Janis: ['I get it, alright' throwing a glance back but not maintaining any eye contact rn 'sorry'] Jimmy: [lying on your back to stare at her ceiling dramatically because you wanna cry and its another throwback while Im on a roll 'I'm a dickhead and I'm sorry'] Janis: ['yeah but so am I, for one; and two, don't make it alright that everything's SO shit, you know' shrugs, shuffles back but doesn't commit to laying down next to him, taking his hand] Jimmy: ['You're not though, you're-' I can't even begin to go there rn boy, sits up but without letting go of her hand and is just looking down at it like 'and you have made it alright, a bit' because she is so nice and he cant even deal Janis: ['a bit' 🤏 smiles a lil and nudges him like, you ain't either though, shrugs 'just what any fucker would do, and they probably wouldn't be a cunt minute you wake up so-'] Jimmy: [raises their linked hands like I can't do the lot stretched out hand thing without letting go, soz because of course he isnt gonna do that. Lowkey crying silently #same because you dont know how to express how nice she is or how much you arent used to/cant handle it] Janis: [when their hands are going back down, tapping his head 'you nerd' then taking his other hand and finally hugging so he can cry in private 'I swear, I wanna make it alright all the time, I wanna be your mate but you don't get it, I ain't a good one, all I'll bring is more hassle, like'] Jimmy: [just the longest hug ever because all the reasons 'you're the best I've had, I get that it sounds fake but it's not'] Janis: [just squeezing him tighter 'cos what to say like same bitch] Jimmy: [such a MOMENT 'you wanna get out of here with me now then?'] Janis: ['yeah' no hesitation 'but you're gonna have to leave and I'm gonna have to sneak out after'] Jimmy: need a 🚬 anyway Jimmy: find me after Janis: okay Jimmy: [leaves but looks back of course cos ILY bitch] Janis: [chasing him down and giving him the most intense kiss of all time, pablo where you at to interrupt] Jimmy: [OMG Mia where you at tho] Janis: [if she was actually over LMAO] Jimmy: [she so could be if we want because always inviting herself] Janis: [amuses me greatly why not] Jimmy: [Grace chasing Mia down but not to kiss her I hope and just like oh ffs because so over Mias obsession with JJ] Janis: [#thereallovestory] Jimmy: [they are everyones otp get over it now Mia] Janis: [least they can bants about how it's getting weird now, egg on your face sweaty Jimmy: [and she cant hang so she cant join them bants soz] Janis: [not soz, when you can start kissing again like it's purely to get them to fuck off but blatantly not] Jimmy: [going for it because you know Mia is too invested when Grace has to drag her away like dont be weird] Janis: [probably try to join in, just loling when they're gone] Jimmy: [you know they are having a bestie domestic, Grace having to be all what is your problem herself because seriously Mia get a grip my love] Janis: [oh the drama, weekly falling out is on, pick a side everyone] Jimmy: [at least JJ are living their best lives rn] Janis: ['why are you making me wanna stay, just a bit' 🤏] Jimmy: [kissing her again because challenge to make her wanna stay a lot is very much accepted] Janis: [just making your way back upstairs really slowly 'cos you're making out the whole way/being pushes backwards] Jimmy: [don't fall over and hurt yourselves either of you because that wouldnt be a mood and this is] Janis: [you got this, on your knees/sat anyway so it fine] Jimmy: [love that you keep having moments on stairs atm] Janis: [mewd] Jimmy: [god bless you both] Janis: [first time yay or nay?] Jimmy: [I say yes because it happened here OG anyway and feels are well high like how would we even stop them lol] Janis: [my thoughts exactly] Jimmy: [we have to steal them missing their stop on the bus from the OG and having to walk for another occasion though cos that was a mood] Janis: [yes easily done tho so we will] Jimmy: [blatantly re-read that hence me and my dementia remember so] Jimmy: [At least Cali cant kick off at her because she did technically stay in] Janis: [gonna say I do not tbh lol] Janis: [if they do just be like HE WAS LOCKED OUT fight me] Jimmy: [we all know Caleb is a soft touch anyway lads] Janis: [trutru also save the lecture she busylol] Jimmy: [he would have that boy over for dinner every night and lowkey adopt him haha] Janis: [he don't know that yet tho just thinking there's another bad egg on the scene] Jimmy: [mhmmm] Janis: [the joys of being a parent lmao] Jimmy: [arent you glad you went as hard as you did on the numbers guys] Janis: [regrets, you have 10] Jimmy: [awkward] Janis: [speaking of, how you wanna be lads] Jimmy: [staying forever is how he will wanna be clingy bitch] Janis: [probably need to go feed your siblings though so he could always have a headstart and she'll meet him there] Jimmy: [good point, gotta keep them alive] Janis: [especially if Ian is hiding] Jimmy: [at least he would be at work still so easy to avoid] Janis: [true tea, and if he shows Jimmy can pretend he been working all day anyway] Jimmy: [Twix will be going mental honey, poor bab] Janis: [🤞 cass been holding the fort and walked her] Jimmy: [Im gonna insist she has or Ill be 💔] Jimmy: [also gotta insist that Mia has been posting about them so they gotta be reminded of the fake shit after being the realest ever with each other like] Janis: [a good jump off point] Jimmy: [leave them alone and mind your business bitch literally why are you so bothered] Janis: [never known love, never known life] Janis: how many restraining orders you reckon her da has found loopholes in, like? Janis: [whatever extraness on Mia's socials] Jimmy: Fuck's sake Janis: yeah Janis: she must've left in a strop a while ago 'cos grace is stomping around here solo, like Jimmy: 💔 Janis: thoughts and prayers Jimmy: Hang on, let me start a gofundme to buy poor Gracie a new bestie Jimmy: 🧸 still in my bad books Janis: well, s'a hard sell so Janis: 🍀 to you Jimmy: Oh come on 🥇 optimist at work here Janis: call it clueless Janis: but love that for you Janis: luxury money can't buy Jimmy: Oi, be nice to me Janis: I am Janis: it's endearing Janis: only jealous, like Jimmy: Suspicious Jimmy: my undercover 👮🚔 senses are going Janis: Why? Janis: no case to crack here Janis: open book, me Jimmy: that's what a closed book would say Jimmy: got my 👀 on you, baby Janis: 😏 Janis: that's what a 45 year old perv would say Janis: nothing to hide, keep on 👀 Jimmy: Alright then Janis: you not on the bus? Janis: don't have to hide in the bushes w the binoculars Jimmy: I don't have time to spy on you 🚌👵💕 Jimmy: 👀 for another, tah Janis: 💔 Janis: move so fast Jimmy: told you I could keep up with you in the gym Janis: not gonna be your gym buddy now though 😭😭😭 Jimmy: have a new 🚿 buddy in a bit Jimmy: those non slip surfaces and grab rails 😍😍🤤🤤 Jimmy: it's a date and a party Janis: 😡 Janis: hope she breaks a hip xoxo Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: in good hands, her Janis: be nice to me too Jimmy: If I start Janis: ? Jimmy: I'll want you to get on this bus with me Janis: same Janis: they're being ridiculously OTT Jimmy: bit rude when that's my job Janis: I'll let 'em know Janis: dead curious, like 🙄 Jimmy: tell them I ain't done a shift of my other, raring to go, me Jimmy: such a strong worth ethic Jimmy: work* Janis: you want 'em to like you Janis: 😎 boy for life Jimmy: I want you to know I like you Jimmy: where OTT comes in Janis: I want that too Janis: no 🙄 needed Jimmy: Come back then Janis: I will Janis: when they shut up and give me a second alone Jimmy: How much trouble will you be in? Janis: not enough that I care Janis: unless they plan to actually lock me in my room, they know I won't stick around anyway, pretend to the contrary if they want Jimmy: Did you just quote me? Janis: didn't check if I got it verbatim but Jimmy: 💕 Janis: shut up 💘 Jimmy: you can't tell me to shut up when you're having my words come out of your mouth Janis: you know I say 'em nicer Jimmy: bollocks you love my accent Janis: just like it when you actually talk, babe Jimmy: Do you? Janis: 'course I do Jimmy: What do you wanna hear? Janis: How much you like me Janis: and how you're gonna show me Jimmy: [a voice memo thing going into far too much detail considering he is either on the bus or waiting for one] Janis: oh Janis: that's Janis: remind me why you aren't here again Jimmy: 'cause you're coming to me Jimmy: soon as Janis: yeah Janis: and I can stay Janis: 'til Ian shows again, yeah? Jimmy: even when he does Jimmy: I said, not kicking you out Janis: good Janis: 'cos don't wanna go unless we go together Janis: 💀🤞 Jimmy: 💌 Jimmy: got that in writing now Janis: love a contract, you Jimmy: #middle aged man kinks Janis: 😂 Janis: it's alright, you got stamina, for an old guy Jimmy: reword that tweet a bit before you hit send probably Janis: not gonna blow your cover Janis: bit late for the blow-by-blow account anyway Jimmy: 👍 Janis: in a stunning turn of events, gracie is helping me for some reason so should be able to get out of here sooner than anticipated Jimmy: very funny Janis: funny weird, yeah Janis: already ordered a lift so Jimmy: Hang on, you ain't joking? Janis: unless she is Janis: see in 5 Jimmy: unless she kills you Jimmy: still see you though 👻💕 Janis: counterproductive if that's what they're all claiming to be so upset about Janis: funny though Janis: she'd get shanked so fast in prison Jimmy: Might not, had loads of practice being Mia's bitch Janis: assume that's where she's running herself Jimmy: how romantic Jimmy: tell her not to, we don't need the competition Janis: absolutely not Jimmy: You won't have a convo with her or you won't tolerate them as an IT couple? Janis: 1. I'm not trying to help her ever Janis: 2. they're both in love with me Janis: 3. we're 🥇 and don't ever imply less Jimmy: So forceful you Jimmy: 😍😍🤤🤤 Janis: sort it out, honestly 😏 Jimmy: if you get to mine before me, you'll have to Jimmy: skipped the honeymoon and went straight to kids and a dog Janis: that's a point Janis: evidently YOUR honeymoon is over 'cos waited for you to get on that bus, like Janis: plan worked 💕🙌 Jimmy: never a bad plan, you Janis: n'awh Janis: don't worry, know how to do oven chips, I can sort it Jimmy: so does Cass, she's 12 not 2 Janis: excuse me, you want me to muck in or nah Jimmy: No, I don't want you to Jimmy: that's why I said you might have to Jimmy: under duress, same as me Janis: well I'm used to that Janis: no worries Jimmy: Ruining the fantasy a bit there, rich girl Janis: you can do better Jimmy: Obviously Janis: and you'll have plenty of time after the bedtime routine Jimmy: Not if our kid has owt to do with it but I'll make time for you Janis: can't stay awake long as I can Janis: 💪 Jimmy: I'll give you the 🏆 when I wake up then Janis: talking 'bout outlasting the kid but if you're 😪 already baby Jimmy: been tired since before I met you Jimmy: worst kept secret in my new boy mystery set Janis: poor boy Janis: I'll help you sleep, trust Jimmy: What's your singing voice like? Fed up of 🎻🎻🎻 me Janis: don't reckon I'm winning any 🏆 but Janis: do my best Jimmy: 👌 Janis: how do you do it then Jimmy: What? Janis: the whole having self-control thing Janis: 'cos when I see you I'll just wanna Jimmy: The clue's in the first bit Jimmy: it ain't about me Jimmy: what I wanna do Jimmy: I ain't got no self control, just Jimmy: shit in my way Janis: hmm Janis: makes sense Janis: all your habits, like 🚬 Jimmy: got plenty of self destruction, yeah Jimmy: nowt in the way of that Janis: I'll drink to that Jimmy: 🍻 Jimmy: There's no scotch but you can have owt else that he or I've not Janis: such a good host Jimmy: Do you have 🚬? Janis: nah but I'll go shop Janis: give you chance to get here Jimmy: Alright Janis: 👍 Jimmy: How do you do this? Janis: ? Jimmy: it's the longest 🚌 ride I've ever been on 😱😱 Jimmy: you really live in the middle of nowt, girl Janis: you were warned Janis: hoping it'll keep us in, hasn't really worked Jimmy: actually gonna have to move you in Jimmy: don't even like you it's just jealousy that you get to spend so much time with hot drivers like this bloke Jimmy: and the 👵👴 on board every time Janis: honestly, prime hunting ground for you Janis: it's probably trevor Janis: be more jealous, I know 'em all by name Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: Why you trying to make me get banned for 🥊? Jimmy: even if I won't need to visit you here 💀👑 and  the rest of the #squad will want me to show up Janis: 1. you're jealous of me for seeing them, not the other way 'round, remember Janis: 2. just really want an excuse to steal another car Janis: 3. gonna make a habit of giving them what they want? Jimmy: 1. that's obvs all a blur 'cause I'm too fuming to think clearly now Jimmy: 2. I didn't steal the 1st one so I don't reckon you can say another Jimmy: 3. Depends Janis: 1. Me too now, see 3 Janis: 2. you don't know how far I got, pisshead Janis: 3. 😒 Jimmy: What's that face for? Jimmy: You dunno what it depends on yet, mardy Janis: I know I don't like it either way Janis: but fine, what? Jimmy: I was just Jimmy: but nah it's alright, you don't wanna know Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: 😒😒 Janis: [imagine she's done them huge like on facebook] Janis: well tell me Jimmy: If they still want me to break up with you, I might Jimmy: to cut out all the fake shit between us Jimmy: that's what I were thinking Janis: who told you you were allowed to be so Jimmy: ? Janis: idk the right word Janis: cute just sounds fake Jimmy: I know what you mean Janis: alright, bighead 😏 Jimmy: Piss off, I meant about sounding fake Jimmy: that's why I reckon breaking up and just seeing each other when we want, how we want, is the best plan Janis: makes sense Janis: anything we were gonna achieve with it, we have by now so Janis: can just ghost 'em, like Janis: not like we have to make an annoucement, they'll do the rest themselves Jimmy: school might be weird, being exes, that's the only thing Janis: yeah Janis: not really an alternative though, is there? Jimmy: Be easier to fake 💔 than 💕 probably Jimmy: not like we have every lesson together anyway Janis: and school is shit anyway so Jimmy: If you want a day off from pretending to hate me, we'll skip Janis: why do I need to hate you Jimmy: We were so in love and now we ain't #duh Jimmy: every dickhead knows you can't be friends with your ex Jimmy: unless you want them to think you're a lesbian again, like Janis: if it's the only option we've got then it is Jimmy: You don't reckon it's a good one? Janis: nah Janis: but there ain't a good one Janis: not your fault, like Jimmy: Fake 💔 or fake 💕 then? Janis: 💔 why not Janis: may as well, change of scenery Jimmy: I get it 😒 is easier than 😍 for me an' all Janis: 👌 Jimmy: sorted then Janis: yep Jimmy: [shows her a doodle he's done of them while he's stuck on this bus like okay boy your 😍 are showing here] Janis: you still got time to post that or what Jimmy: Do I? Janis: your plan Jimmy: I'm not gonna 💔 til you wanna though Janis: what are we waiting for Jimmy: Alright I'll delete now Janis: 👋 Jimmy: Owt you want off my phone you can sort in a bit Janis: don't need to Jimmy: bit rude Janis: why Jimmy: Oi, a 🥇 photographer, me Janis: don't actually need a portfolio Janis: tah Jimmy: Fine Janis: don't fancy it, posting the 🚬 through your letterbox ok Jimmy: No, there's nowt okay about that Jimmy: what are you on about? Janis: what are you Janis: something's come up Jimmy: What has? Janis: does it matter? Janis: just need to go Jimmy: Why wouldn't that matter? Janis: don't be awkward Jimmy: you Jimmy: What's wrong? Janis: Nothing Janis: but this plan won't just happen by itself either Janis: things I need to sort now Jimmy: Not what you said before Jimmy: you said we didn't have to do nowt Jimmy: that they'd work it out Janis: about figuring it out Janis: I'm talking about the fallout Jimmy: What do you mean? Janis: well do you really wanna mope around and pretend to be 💔 Janis: actual 💔 Janis: that's the rep you want? think about it Janis: just means more faking, only with other people Jimmy: I'm not gonna get another fake girlfriend if that's what you're saying Janis: not saying you repeat this scheme Janis: but gotta be seen to be moving on, yeah Jimmy: No Janis: alright for you, isn't it Janis: who do you think they'll reckon dumped who Jimmy: You can dump me, I don't care what they think Janis: still fake, ain't it Janis: whatever way we play it Jimmy: Yeah but Jimmy: we can be real with each other Janis: I fucking hate it Janis: that it matters Jimmy: That's why I'm trying to give us a chance to start over Jimmy: Alright, we might have to give them one last show but after that whenever I see you or say owt it's real Janis: Is it though Jimmy: Why wouldn't it be? Janis: if you're trying to not see me again for real, just do that Janis: don't headfuck me Jimmy: You're the one who has come all this way to decide you don't fancy it Janis: it's you that keeps talking about hating and avoiding and all that shit Janis: how am I meant to take that Jimmy: If you don't fancy me anymore because fucking me weren't like you thought it were gonna be then alright Jimmy: but don't talk bollocks Jimmy: You know I wanna see you Janis: No Janis: it isn't that Janis: but no, I don't know that either Janis: feel like I don't know fuck all these days Jimmy: Janis Jimmy: I didn't wanna go, you have to know that, you were there Jimmy: and I wouldn't bring you here where I don't wanna fucking be if I didn't REALLY want to see you Janis: I'm Janis: stupid Janis: sorry Janis: take your pick Jimmy: just Jimmy: come back Jimmy: it don't matter Janis: it does if I've made it weirder than I already felt Jimmy: what can be weirder than not being fake with your fake girlfriend? Jimmy: I don't care, alright Janis: you thought it was weird Jimmy: What? No Jimmy: I mean actually telling you how I feel is weird Janis: oh Janis: well, agreed Jimmy: Agreeing is weird an' all, isn't it? Janis: can't take the other side and pretend this is standard for me, soz Jimmy: be weirder if it were Jimmy: You reckon I've got some fucked habits but that'd be Janis: don't be mad 'cos you're my 5th fake boyfriend, alright Janis: judgey Jimmy: That ain't funny or cute Jimmy: Shut up Janis: obviously not Janis: you approached me Janis: not doing that kinda suggestability voodoo Jimmy: OMG 🤐 Janis: yeah, think on Janis: was a pretty out of character thing to do, no? Jimmy: Paddy girls are pretty full on Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: Deny it Jimmy: there's nowt you can say Janis: not lumping myself in with that lot Janis: and you Jimmy: neither were I Jimmy: never have done Janis: ❄ Janis: I remember Jimmy: 👍 Janis: such a dick, you were Jimmy: Nah, I am Jimmy: no need to past tense it Janis: just specifying the time Jimmy: Alright, so don't forget to add I will be such a dick too then Jimmy: for the future Janis: if I'm about, I'll be sure to let you know Jimmy: 💔 you won't be able to @ me Jimmy: but wherever Ian drags us next somebody'll say it to my face, no doubt Janis: of course, you are a dick, after-all Jimmy: and yet still properly sought after Jimmy: a brainer lad would've planned that Janis: enough room for a proper beefy 🧠 in that massive head Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 that it's empty then Jimmy: well nearly Janis: poor boy Jimmy: I'll live, babe Jimmy: 🧟💕 Janis: now it's my turn to be 💔 Jimmy: Go on and have a 🎻 too then Jimmy: might as well Janis: can't even be 😍 over how generous you are Jimmy: Why not? Janis: 'cos you said from now on we're only saying real things Jimmy: and you shot down the 💡 in 🔥 Janis: no I didn't Janis: you didn't explain properly Jimmy: You don't wanna say real things to me Janis: where'd you get that idea from Jimmy: call it 👮🚔 senses Jimmy: or that you're well quick to not understand what I've said 'cause like I said 😒 is easier Janis: or maybe it's a weird situation that's hard to understand Janis: which we agreed on Janis: if 😒 was easier I would've thought it was the best idea ever Jimmy: Alright Janis: it ain't though Janis: so what are you saying Jimmy: nowt Janis: fuck off Janis: you reckon I can't handle real then Jimmy: You did, I were there Janis: so why are you saying I don't want it then Jimmy: No 🧠 Janis: ugh Janis: alright Jimmy: It just feels like Jimmy: you don't want any of this now Janis: that's not true Janis: why do you Janis: nah Jimmy: Go on Janis: it's Janis: like why would I have freaked out back there if I didn't want it Janis: when I thought you didn't Janis: not keeping you around as a sure thing when I don't give a fuck, am I Jimmy: I can't say how long I'll be around here anyway, you either so Jimmy: don't worry about it Jimmy: I'm just being Janis: don't mean we can't now Janis: does it Janis: every fucker else does, not like they have any more guarantee Jimmy: Not a habit of mine to leave 💔 lasses behind me Janis: behave Jimmy: I don't want to, had to for ages when you were only giving me fake 💕 Jimmy: 💀💀💀 me that Janis: 😏 Janis: yeah but the 💔 has always been fake, what I'm saying Janis: don't need to think about that Jimmy: Good 'cause as far as 💭 I can do better Janis: go on then Jimmy: [the most 🔥 sext of all time obvs] Janis: can I come back Janis: please Jimmy: I said Jimmy: nowt's changed Janis: just checking Jimmy: where are you? Janis: not far Janis: well a bit but not out of town far Jimmy: 🏃? Janis: if that's you, then no, think of your lungs Jimmy: not the bit of me I'm thinking with and I'm only thinking of you, not me but alright Jimmy: if you can't handle another race Janis: now I'm with ya Janis: 'course I'M gonna run Janis: but the incentive is appreciated Jimmy: I'll appreciate you better than that Janis: you better Janis: i've missed you Jimmy: 🥇 baby, you'll see Jimmy: it feels like ages since I left Jimmy: it's been ages but you know what I mean Janis: yeah Janis: like actual time as passed and not a day Janis: it's always been a bit like that with you Janis: weird Jimmy: but you were still always gone before I was ready for you to be Jimmy: weirder Janis: felt it too Janis: weirdest Jimmy: I Janis: yeah? Jimmy: just Jimmy: it is a mess but Jimmy: I'm glad I did ask you Jimmy: nowt else could've happened if not Janis: you reckon? Jimmy: You reckon I'm wrong? Jimmy: somehow don't picture you hanging round the CG like your twin Jimmy: obviously I could have caught you in the gym 🏆💪 but unlikely you'd be chatty then, sore loser you are Janis: ha x2 Janis: 😏 Janis: we do go to the same school, you know Jimmy: Were you gonna offer to help me with my homework or what? Janis: not porn Janis: and I'm not some bitch with pigtails and a plaid mini skirt, like Jimmy: not with that attitude Janis: 😂 Jimmy: and I've seen you in your uniform, like Jimmy: not that far off Janis: you're such an idiot Janis: but you did know then, that's good Jimmy: Know what, that you're really fit? Obviously Janis: that we were at the same school before the fateful trip Jimmy: I get that I hide them well but I've got 👀 Jimmy: I saw you, like I said Janis: and obviously I couldn't miss the welcome party so Janis: 👀 likewise Jimmy: Am I ever gonna see you today or did you get lost? Janis: I'm on my way Janis: I'm fast, works in and out of your favour, I'm afraid Janis: depends which way I'm 🏃 Jimmy: Tah for not being well fast at everything then Jimmy: be over before I did my best tricks Jimmy: and you'd be asleep like half that bus were Janis: 💔 get used to not having an audience fast Janis: and benefits of not being a lad, just go again Jimmy: can't if you're 💀💀💀 Jimmy: get me arrested that Janis: promises promises Jimmy: which you know you can hold me to Jimmy: unless your memory loss is back Janis: no but Janis: stop distracting me if you want me to get there any time soon Jimmy: Baby, I've seen you multitask Jimmy: come on Jimmy: can do so many things at once you Janis: I wanna save it for you Janis: you turned me on so it's yours Jimmy: I'm going nowhere yet but the kids and dog are Jimmy: this whole house is yours, just need to get to it Janis: serious? Jimmy: Deadly, as usual Janis: Good thing I'm only a couple streets away then Janis: hold on Jimmy: Surviving somehow Janis: 'cos you can't 💀💀💀 without me Jimmy: keep my promises, yeah, that kind of dickhead Janis: I like that kind of dickhead Jimmy: Shakespeare's got nowt on you, girl Jimmy: you better only be a couple of streets away Jimmy: don't be saying shit like that to me if I can't respond immediately Janis: [rings doorbell] Jimmy: [thank god he sent everyone away because we know what kind of hello she's getting] Janis: [lol if someone else answered that would've been very awkward for us all] Jimmy: [likewise if Twix got there before him] Janis: [distracted with food probably] Jimmy: [it's alright she can be gone too on a walk or wherever] Janis: [my boo say everyone out] Jimmy: [give them their privacy please they've had enough audiences]

[onigarbage]

did

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. In response to trauma, my core personality separated and eventually I came along. I’m not what people would call the core, I just happen to be the current host. I have 10 alters currently, alters are the different personalities. There are Persephone and Jasper, a married couple. Up until last month, Persephone went by Percy. There are Marc and Lily, brother and sister. There are Jake and Nero, a couple, both dormant, however. There’s Alistair, a fictive from my own writings. There’s also James a member of the vulture culture community who loves bees. Then there’s Mars who’s also dormant, and finally, there’s Salem. 

“It’ll take some time, but somewhere down the line, we won’t be alone.”

I watched my fingers type as if it were a film, words popped up on the screen. “I feel like we're dying out here sometimes, it’s like no matter where we go we're dying.” Persephone was right. We were dying up here. Here I was, trapped in my own body once more. Watching someone else take control. I was fine with it, I had become used to it. 

“The ocean washed over your grave.”

When I was little, I was very tall. I was 4’7” by the time I was 5. I was also ahead of my time. Adults loved me, my peers, not so much. Up until 3rd grade, I was very talkative, even through the abuse I had suffered. I was fine. I won’t divulge that trauma, at least. But the Summer of ‘08 changed me. It must’ve been the year the stock market crashed because my family moved from a nice home in Romeo to a trailer. A trailer that had a leaky roof, a trailer that had smoke leaking from a socket one night, a trailer that doesn’t have electricity in parts of it. It was home. It was also the year my mother attempted suicide. 

“I want a cutscene, I want a cut from your face to my face, I want a cut, I want the next related video.”

After that, I began to have “imaginary friends.” The only thing was weird about them was that they could sometimes “possess” me. That’s not exactly how it works but honestly, that’s how my child-brain worked. This is called dissociative identity disorder, formerly called multiple personality disorder. I had only 4 alters then, now I have 10. I also coped by lying, I tried to make myself more interesting than I was. I grew out of it by the time I hit high school, I had lost and regained friends. My closest being Peter. I loved my friends dearly more than anything, but soon things turned sour. 

“I didn’t like you anyways. You always spoke so quiet.”

It was by 10th grade when I started hearing voices again. It was by 10th grade when Peter and I began dating. It was by 10th grade when everything began crumbling. In 10th grade I had started going to therapy, I wanted to figure out what these voices were but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. So instead I developed a relationship with my therapist and focused on my ADHD. I started taking a plethora of drugs, against my fears of becoming like my parents. They made me very tired, every day after school I began sleeping. During the week I would see myself fighting with Peter. It was all an out of body experience. I found out his name was Marc, he left notes for me. While on a date with Peter I discovered Lily, Peter thought I had age regressed. It was in the shower when I discovered V, he changed me that day. V was a bad person at the time. He’d terrorize Lily, who was only 9. He’d terrorize me in disgusting ways that I dare not tell anyone about. But when he changed we welcomed him. V no longer took the form of a demon but a man with long white hair and big blue beautiful eyes and an even bigger nose. He changed his name to Klaus. My friends soon found out about my alters. Thanks to a then stranger, now good friend Jaden. Jaden found out first, he knew from my Vent profile. Then Peter and Jason found out, but I was most scared to tell my friend Stevie. I felt I had betrayed her in the past and didn’t want to do it again. 

“I was up late last night!!” Klaus said talking to Stevie as we walked to our math class. 

“Yeah I know,” she replied then paused, realizing her mistake. Klaus smiled to himself, so she knew? He thought.

"I saw you again last night you were hiding in a poor man's body. But I saw your soul slip out of his fingers”

Things turned sour fast. I remember being in my history class when everything started. Stevie had posted on Vent that I was abusive. Panic had flooded my chest, my cheeks burned, and tears welled up in my eyes. To think that I was abusive. She then later posted that she would pretend to be uncomfortable if Peter and I had any public displays of affection. I went to the bathroom and sobbed that hour. Then the rest of the day, I don’t remember. Lily had fronted to save me from having to deal with it all. Peter and Stevie began spending more time, I turned nasty from all the stress. From walking on eggshells out of fear of being called abusive to dealing with constant voices who occasionally “possessed” me. I even had to deal with homework and abuse at home. I was stressed back then, and I took it out on him. I accused him of sleeping with Stevie even. By the time we reached 11th grade Stevie started avoiding me, Jason grew apart and Peter broke up with me. By 12th grade I had finally turned things around with Jaden, we stopped being strangers and became friends. We bonded over memes about our deteriorating mental health and the passion we had for the stories we worked on. This was the year I met Ms. Bourlinghaus, who became a mother to me. At the start of the year, seeing Peter gave me panic attacks and made me want to rip my flesh off. 

“Don’t worry! You and me won’t be alone no more.”

I fell in love, twice that year. I don’t remember who I dated first. DID does that to your memory, in fact, I don’t remember anything really before 9th or 10th grade except for my mother’s suicide attempt. But I digress. I fell in love twice that year. I fell in love with a boy named Elliot and a girl named Eve. Both were amazing even though both lasted what I estimate to be a week. Mars even made a pizza with green peppers that were made into a heart for Elliot. We went to see End Game together. Eve and I only talked about kissing, planning to do it where nobody saw us. We joked about kissing by the Chuck E Cheese car ride. We were weird teenagers, well, normal teenagers actually.

Elliot broke up with me because of my age, we’re only a year apart, however, it made him uncomfortable. That’s okay. We still talk to this day. Eve realized that she was a lesbian part way through our relationship, or at least that’s my theory. We also still talk to this day. I consider both of them to be two of my closest friends. 

“You never stopped smoking, but I forgive you. My words and my heart were not enough to give you”

I was 17 when I started vaping. My friends Luke and Zack were doing it so why not me too? I started at 50 nic, which is about 3 and a half cigarettes. Or at least I think, I don’t know anything about cigarettes. Or vaping for that matter. When I turned 18 I became more firm in who I was. I came out to my parents as transgender, my mom had always shrugged it off as me pretending to be someone I’m not, my stepdad has always accepted me but didn’t see why I cared about the surgeries. 

"I wish I was sober, I can’t get off the ground."

A revelation, I am killing myself. With all the weed and smoking. We aren’t dying up here of loneliness but of ourselves. Night after night I’ve induced manic episodes from getting too high. Each night I think of myself as a god. Mostly I’m a fire god, able to feel fire without burning myself. These manic episodes started a few weeks after I was diagnosed with bipolar. My life goes up and down it seems. Caffeine doesn’t help, sugar doesn’t help. Nothing I ate really helped with the mood swings. I feel broken. I want my story to end with hope, not despair. 

“Apologies to future mes and yous.”

I sometimes wonder if I can be better than I am now. If I’m destined to smoke forever. If I’ll always have manic episodes on the weekends. If my life is a constant back and forth between depressed and manic with no balance between both of them. It’s been raining all week, but just now as I type this there’s the sun shining through my window. Everything exists in cycles after the rain comes the sun. Maybe this is just my rain, maybe this storm will last for a few more days or even a few more years. I know now that someday the storm will end and I will see the sun. Then again, I’ve always loved getting caught in a storm. 

“This is a version of me and you that can exist outside of everything else, and if it is just a fantasy, then anything can happen from here.”

A final note: 

All quotes separating text are lyrics from Car Seat Headrest. I’ll include a playlist of songs that I’ve sampled these quotes from. Thank you for reading. http://bit.ly/2WAlYMW 

[eddycurrents]

For the week of 11 March 2019

Quick Bits:

Age of Conan: Bêlit #1 expands Marvel’s Conan franchise further with the beginning of this limited series featuring the early days of the notorious pirate Queen of the Black Coast. Tini Howard, Kate Niemczyk, Jason Keith, and Travis Lanham deliver a compelling story setting up the tragedy of Bêlit’s early life and her one-track mind for adventure on the high seas.

| Published by Marvel

Amazing Spider-Man #17, after two preludes (one branded, one not) and a simmering sub-plot of Taskmaster and Black Ant kidnapping the villains running for months, finally gives us part one of “Hunted” from Nick Spencer, Humberto Ramos, Victor Olazaba, Edgar Delgado, and Joe Caramagna. And it’s essentially more set-up. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still great, building anticipation for the hunt to really start in earnest, but it’s a slow build.

| Published by Marvel

Animosity #19 starts trying to pick up the pieces after the fall of the Walled City. There’s some very interesting questions raised regarding survival and existence from Marguerite Bennett in this one, as both the animals and humans try to figure out a way to bridge the divide.

| Published by AfterShock

Asgardians of the Galaxy #7 concludes this arc with Sera and the Ravagers, as they team up to help refugees and Ego, the Living Planet. I still think it’s weird to see essentially the movie version of Yondu in present day 616 continuity, but Cullen Bunn keeps this fun. I suspect that Sera/Angela fans will still be disappointed, though.

| Published by Marvel

Assassin Nation #1 is the exciting debut of this action thriller, somewhat in the vein of Skybound’s other title Die!Die!Die! mixing elements of extreme violence, action, and a bit of humour, from Kyle Starks, Erica Henderson, and Deron Bennett. It’s a damn good set up, immersing us into a world of assassins jockeying for a number one spot, screwing one another over and turning on them for the highest bidder, with two interesting hooks of “Chekhov’s Gun” trying to figure out who’s trying to kill him and Bishop searching for who killed his husband. Phenomenal art from Henderson, with some very inventive death sequences.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Avengers: No Road Home #5 takes it up another notch as the Avengers continue to battle against Nyx and her children, this time narrated by Scarlet Witch. The fight on Nightmare’s front gets particularly interesting as we see how scary Hulk has really become, along with a humorous fight between Hawkeyes. Sean Izaakse and Marcio Menyz really turn in some incredible artwork here. And the final scene is pretty savage.

| Published by Marvel

The Batman Who Laughs: The Grim Knight #1 isn’t something I was going to pick up, but I saw some gushing about it from people I trust and decided on a last minute purchase. Like the rest of the Batman Who Laughs mini-series, this is dark, giving us a “Batman” who picked up the gun that was used to murder his parents, and, though technically proficient, isn’t really for me. What I do really appreciate, though, is the artwork from Eduardo Risso and Dave Stewart. It is gorgeous, with Risso continuing to explore some of the softer, painted style that he’s used in Moonshine and Hit-Girl. It really is worth the price of admission.

| Published by DC Comics

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #3 continues to be one of my favourite comics each month. Jordie Bellaire, Dan Mora, Raúl Angulo, and Ed Dukeshire are presenting a story here that so perfectly captures the spirit and fun of the television series, while also just being a great original tale. It’s fun to see the old faces in new situations, but it’s also an enjoyable story in its own right, introducing us to the characters and tossing them into the chaos.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

By Night #9 gives us Jane’s mom’s history with Charlesco and more or less the origin of the portal and the experiment. It’s particularly interesting as John Allison, Christine Larsen, Sarah Stern, and Jim Campbell tell the story in the visual style of an early ‘90s comic. There’s even a nice little nod to the Marvel Bullpen in there.

| Published by Boom Entertainment / BOOM! Box

Calamity Kate #1 introduces us to Kate, Vera, Jade and a world of monster hunting in this debut from Magdalene Visaggio, Corin Howell, Valentina Pinto, and Zakk Saam. Between this, The Girl in the Bay, and the forthcoming Dark Red, I’m loving the higher profile that Howell is carving for herself. She’s a great artist with excellent versatility.

| Published by Dark Horse

Catwoman #9 is a fill-in issue from Ram V, John Timms, and Josh Reed that’s one part revenge tale and one part heist, resulting overall in one hell of a good single issue. There’s a nice sense of rhythm and pacing to the story that fits with the theme of the heist, with some great artwork.

| Published by DC Comics

Cover #6 brings what has been one of the most unique, ambitious, and inventive uses of the comics medium I’ve seen in a long time to a close, with a bit of conversation and some gorgeous art from Brian Michael Bendis, David Mack, Zu Orzu, and Carlos M. Mangual. It get even more meta this issue, along with the usual multi-layered storytelling that delves into the comics world.

| Published by DC Comics / Jinxworld

Cyber Force #9 more or less completes the gathering of the team, presenting a bit of a quiet moment to collect themselves before setting up a confrontation with Cyberdata. There’s some interesting soul-searching between Dominique and Ripclaw on whether or not with the change they’re still them. And, as usual, the art from Atilio Rojo is pretty much worth the price of admission on its own.

| Published by Image / Top Cow

The Empty Man #5 has some gorgeous artwork by Jesús Hervás and Niko Guardia, especially among the repeating cycles of the opening and closing scenes.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

The Flash #66 brings back the single issue Rogue profile format for an origin story of the original Trickster, James Jesse, from Joshua Williamson, Scott Kolins, Luis Guerrero, and Steve Wands. Great art from Kolins and Guerrero.

| Published by DC Comics

The Freeze #4 concludes the first arc, with a very satisfying reveal of the serial killer and confirmation on a few other ongoing plot threads that nicely serve as a hook for future arcs. I’m really enjoying this one. Dan Wickline, Phillip Sevy, and Troy Peteri are telling a very compelling story here about essentially rebuilding society from a very different form of cataclysm, with some wonderful character-building and enough intrigue to keep you on your toes.

| Published by Image / Top Cow

Grimm Tales of Terror #13 is one of the better recent issues, with Joe Brusha, Umberto Giampà, Fran Gamboa, JC Ruiz, and Fabio Amelia diving into the story of a true crime writer investigating a serial killer in Detroit utilizing the signatures of other famous serial killers. There are a few really nice twists throughout the tale.

| Published by Zenescope

Gunning for Hits #3 throws a few wrinkles into Martin’s plans for Stunted Growth and Brian Slade as Slade’s bodyguard, “Mr. Gladstone”, causes problems while trying to extort Martin. This continues to be a dense, but satisfying, read every month. It feels like Jeff Rougvie, Moritat, and Casey Silver are just packing in as much content as they possibly can.

| Published by Image

Hawkman #10 features a larger than life confrontation between Hawkman and Idamm. Bryan Hitch, Andrew Currie, and Jeremiah Skipper deliver nicely on that widescreen epic feel of the assault on London.

| Published by DC Comics

Hit-Girl Season 2 #2 gets up close and personal with the uglier side of Hollywood as Kevin Smith, Pernille Ørum, Sunny Gho, and Clem Robins continue their arc featuring the adaptation of Hit-Girl’s side of the story from Kick-Ass by the film industry. Things get a little complicated.

| Published by Image

House Amok #5 concludes what has been an excellent, mind-bending series exploring truth and delusion and the power of family, from Christopher Sebela, Shawn McManus, Lee Loughridge, and Neil Uyetake. This finale doesn’t give any easy answers and actually raises a few more questions, all with some gorgeous artwork from McManus and Loughridge.

| Published by IDW / Black Crown

James Bond: Origin #7 begins “Russian Ruse” with Ibrahim Moustafa and Roman Stevens taking over art duties, joining Jeff Parker and Simon Bowland in this tale of essentially piracy in the Barents Sea. Nice set up of the Russians’ duplicity here and an inept Commander not listening to Bond’s observations.

| Published by Dynamite

Justice League Dark #9 unleashes the Lords of Order against pretty much everyone, causing death and destruction as they try to “cleanse” reality of the chaos they think infests it. Between them and the Otherkind, things aren’t looking particularly cheery for existence. Incredible artwork from Alvaro Martínez Bueno, Miguel Mendonça, Raul Fernandez, and Brad Anderson.

| Published by DC Comics

Little Bird #1 is an experience. Darcy Van Poelgeest, Ian Bertram, Matt Hollingsworth, and Aditya Bidikar launch a dystopian future where a theocratic America seems to rule with an iron fist and a pocket resistance holds out in the Canadian Rockies. There’s a bit of a feel of Akira here, and Grendel: God and the Devil, maybe even a little Martha Washington, but still with its own unique elements and some seriously awesome art from Bertram and Hollingsworth.

| Published by Image

Livewire #4 concludes the first arc with a nice bit of soul-searching as Amanda comes to terms with what she did during Harbinger Wars 2. Between this, Age of X-Man: Prisoner X, and this week’s Shuri, Vita Ayala is definitely on fire right now. They’re doing some great character-driven work and it shines in this finale. Also, Raúl Allén and Patricia Martín can do no wrong. The layouts on this book are stunning.

| Published by Valiant

The Magnificent Ms. Marvel #1 is the beginning of a new era for Kamala Khan from Saladin Ahmed, Minkyu Jung, Juan Vlasco, Ian Herring, and Joe Caramagna. Using a kind of fable narration, setting up something new for the future while dealing with a continuation from Kamala’s current status in the presents, is a nice approach from Ahmed. It also marks a good jumping-on point for new readers as it recaps more or less what you need to know about Ms. Marvel’s history. Beautiful art from Jung, Vlasco, and Herring.

| Published by Marvel

Murder Falcon #6 is an epic, face-melting issue. Daniel Warren Johnson and Mike Spicer give us a bit of a tearjerker as Anne comes to terms with her situation with Jake and finally finds her voice. It’s really incredible. Also, giant monsters and metal.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Oblivion Song #13 jumps ahead three years for a new status quo, a few shuffled faces, and new situations for many of the cast of characters, providing an excellent jumping on point for new readers. There are some interesting bits about harnessing the flora and fauna of Oblivion for medical advances and the growing mystery about what the Faceless Men are doing. Gorgeous art as always from Lorenzo De Felici and Annalisa Leoni. De Felici really does some amazing reaction shots.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Old Man Quill #3 advances the Guardians’ story a bit further as they celebrate what little hope they’ve brought to the Wastelands, while hell in various forms circulates around them. It certainly pretty bleak, even in the good times.

| Published by Marvel

Outer Darkness #5 drops hell on the crew’s head as they crash on a relatively inhospitable ice planet with an ancient evil prowling and the crew at “Each Other’s Throats”. Also, naked cat girls. John Layman, Afu Chan, and Pat Brosseau are doing an incredible job with this mix of sci-fi and horror and the stakes seem to have been raised this issue.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Shuri #6 begins a two-part guest arc from Vita Ayala, Paul Davidson, Tríona Farrell, and Joe Sabino as Shuri travels to New York in search for the Lubber. Great art from Davidson and Farrell and Ayala has a wonderful feel for Miles and Shuri’s voices.

| Published by Marvel

Spider-Gwen: Ghost Spider #6 continues to suss out a new role for Gwen now that her identity is public and she’s returned to her own Earth. The character building that Seanan McGuire is doing here is pretty spectacular, especially given how strong the interpersonal relationships in the series were to begin with under Jason Latour and Robbi Rodriguez. Also, the art from Takeshi Miyazawa and Ian Herring is perfect.

| Published by Marvel

Star Wars: Age of Republic - General Grievous #1 is the last of these Age of Republic one-shots from Jody Houser, with Age of Rebellion coming next from Greg Pak and a rotating team of Chris Sprouse, Marc Laming, and others. This one focuses on Grievous and is a nice look into what he traded of himself in order to become the even worse monster that we see in the prequel trilogy and Clone Wars.

| Published by Marvel

The Stone King #4 concludes what has been a wonderful light fantasy adventure Comixology original series from Kel McDonald and Tyler Crook. There’s an interesting throughline in the story of responsibility for family versus responsibility for the greater society that comes to a head here, along with misunderstandings continuing to cause conflict. It’s not exactly a happy ending, but there is a set up for something more down the road that I’d love to see. Beautiful artwork from Crook.

| Published by Kel McDonald

Supergirl #28 concludes her jaunt with the Omega Men and the Supergirl clones, opening up more questions about The Circle and the destruction of Krypton. I’ve enjoyed the circuitous route Marc Andreyko has been taking us on to advance Supergirl’s mission, tossing bits of side adventure in growing out of her search, but it feels like we’re going to get down to brass tacks soon. Great art again this issue from Eduardo Pansica, Julio Ferreira, FCO Plascencia, and Chris Sotomayor. Pansica does some great horror and creature work and it shines through in the Kryptonian monstrosities. 

| Published by DC Comics

Superman #9 tells of Jonathan’s ordeal trapped on Earth 3, tortured at the hands of Ultraman. Great art from Brandon Peterson and Alex Sinclair during the Earth 3 sequences. It’s also interesting to see that dream still haunting Superman.

| Published by DC Comics

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder in Hell #2 continues to be revelatory. Mateus Santolouco, Marcelo Costa, and Shawn Lee are doing some incredible work as Shredder continues to be plagued by nightmares, demons, and the undead as he tries to figure out his way through hell and his status as a vessel for the dragon god’s spirit. Over the years, Santolouco has grown exponentially as a storyteller and this is just a masterpiece.

| Published by IDW

Titans #35 continues the team’s nightmare excursion to Unearth, fighting a possessed enraged Beast Boy, Raven’s angry aggressive side, and Mother Blood as we head into the series conclusion next issue. This is a very entertaining story from Dan Abnett, Bruno Redondo, Christian Duce, Marcelo Maiolo, and Dave Sharpe, really putting the team behind the 8-ball wondering how they’re going to get out of this mess. If they get out this mess.

| Published by DC Comics

Tony Stark: Iron Man #9 continues the “Stark Realities” arc, nicely advances Controller’s assault on Stark Industries, the eScape users causing havoc, the mole within Stark, and the corruption causing Tony’s current simulation, from Dan Slott, Jim Zub, Valerio Schiti, Paolo Rivera, Edgar Delgado, and Joe Caramagna. Some really interesting possible revelations about Tony during this issue.

| Published by Marvel

Transformers #1 begins a new continuity, a new universe, a new era for the Transformers, from Brian Ruckley, Angel Hernandez, Cachét Whitman, Joana Lafuente, and Tom B. Long, as we start off some time in the past of Cybertron, before Autobots or Deceptions, as Bumblebee watches over a newly-forged Cybertronian as he makes his first decisions. We also get bits of an uprising of “Ascenticons”, though their ideals and motivations aren’t really explained, just showing a disagreement between longtime friends Megatron and Orion Pax (not Optimus Prime yet). It’s not bad, with some nice bits of humour, and there is an interesting mystery for a cliffhanger, but it is slow. The art is nice, but like the story there’s nothing flashy about this right now. I’ll certainly give it a few more issues, but there’s really nothing “bold” about this new era. Don’t expect something radical out of the first issue, this one plays it pretty safe.

| Published by IDW

Winter Soldier #4 delves into RJ’s father, Richie, attempting to get back into his life. It’s heartfelt and bittersweet, with Kyle Higgins, Rod Reis, and Clayton Cowles delivering a gripping tale with one hell of a set up for the final issue. Reis’ art remains absolutely incredible.

| Published by Marvel

Wonder Twins #2 is more fun from Mark Russell, Stephen Byrne, and Dave Sharpe. There’s some nice commentary on the state of corporate run prisons in the United States in amongst a humorous send-up of z-list villains in the Legion of Doom’s farm team, the League of Annoyance. Great art from Byrne.

| Published by DC Comics / Wonder Comics

Other Highlights: Accell #19, Auntie Agatha’s Wayward Home for Rabbits #5, Blackbird #6, Dark Ark #15, GI Joe: A Real American Hero - Silent Option #4, Go Go Power Rangers #18, The Goon #1, Head Lopper #11, House of Whispers #7, LaGuardia #4, The Life and Death of Toyo Harada #1, The Long Con #7, Marvel Action: Spider-Man #2, Marvels Annotated #2, The Maxx 100 Page Giant, Prodigy #4, The Punisher #9, Radio Delley, Rick & Morty Presents Jerry #1, Riverdale: Season 3 #1, Runaways #19, Spider-Man/Deadpool #47, Star Trek: Discovery - Captain Saru, Star Wars: Han Solo - Imperial Cadet #5, The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #42, Wonder Woman #66

Recommended Collections: Astonisher - Volume 3: Black Hat, Batman vs. Deathstroke, By Night - Volume 1, Defenders: The Best Defense, Infinite Dark - Volume 1, Mata Hari,  Moonstruck - Volume 2, Rick and Morty vs. Dungeons & Dragons, Shadowman - Volume 3: Rag & Bone, She Could Fly, Sleepless - Volume 2, Star Wars Adventures - Volume 5: Mechanical Mayhem, Strangers in Paradise XXV - Volume 2: Hide and Seek, Trout - Volume 1: Bits & Bobs, Vampironica - Volume 1, The War of the Realms Prelude

d. emerson eddy knows a muffin man.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s02e12 Profiler, Profiled review - or more aptly named, the episode where I totally lose my shit over Shemar Moore/Derek Morgan/whatever the fuck he wants to name himself because this man is perfection and I think I found my soulmate and I don’t care that he’s 21 years my senior.

Episode 12 – Profiler, Profiled

Okay, okay, okay. So I’m a little bit excited about this one. I admit, I was naughty and I went a bit on IMDB and oh my god we’re getting a background story on my chocolate Adonis! Oh my god, I’m so happy I could cry.

Okay, okay. Cooling it down. Because it’s Criminal Minds, so it may just be something awful, and I really don’t want to think about that either.

Let’s see what happens.

Oh my god, Spencer just waiting on that battery holder is just the most precious thing ever! Ic an’t with Gubler! I love you! Even his high-pitched excited voice is the cutest thing ever.

Oh my god! It just went off like a rocket and hit Emily straight in the forehead!!!!!!!!!

I can’t with this show. It is so beyond amazing. I love it!

“Don’t you recognize a rocket when you see one?” Penelope, you bad, bad girl.

“It will not do you any good to argue with him.”

Hahahaha, oh my god, Emily’s excitement level is amazing.

And of course it lands at Hotchner’s feet.

“Really starting to get some distance on those.” Did Aaron Hotchner just make a joke?

Awwww! My babycakes is such a momma’s boy and he goes every year to Chicago for his mom’s birthday? I love him. I love him. I can’t stress this enough – I LOVE DEREK MORGAN!

Wait. Whose grave is Derek standing at?

Okay. Derek doing shopping with a woman is too hot.

And those guys look like trouble. Just because Derek is on red alert. Okay? Just because of that.

Desiree, listen to Derek.

Why is that guy always taking pictures of him? I mean, I’d be sweet on Derek, too, but come on. That’s a bit stalkery.

And Desiree better watch her back with this Rodney and his thugs, ugh, I hate them already.

Why is he dogging on Damian? He’s just as good as James. They’re just kids. That’s not nice.

Hey! What the hell? They’re friends, come on.

I love Derek interacting with kids. It’s the most precious thing ever.

That old guy looks awful. Ugh. I really don’t like him.

Awwww!!!! So they are half-and-half? I love them so much. He has two sisters. Turns out he can’t cook for his life. And he’s still his mom’s baby boy. I love Derek so much.

Wait. Is that a dead boy? Is that Damien? Oh my god.

Oh my god, Derek is the most thoughtful being on the planet. He got a remote starter for his momma’s car so it would be nice and warm when she steps out to get into it? Oh my god.

Oh my god, she’s already hounding on him for grandbabies? Oh that is precious.

I hate the look on that man’s face.

Wait what?

He’s gonna arrest Derek? For what? He thinks he killed Damian? What the fuck is going on here?

Oh my god, baby boy, don’t worry, everyone will come and help you. I swear it. Or I’m gonna get in there and kick some ass.

Cory Doctorow: “All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That’s in the nature of secrets.” Whoa. That just became scary. Is Derek’s past scary? I don’t want to be scared by my hunk of chocolatey goodness.

So they already called Hotch? Above Derek’s head? That’s not right.

Come on Hatch, rally the troops, and head to Illinois. Come on!

“Slept like a baby myself. Didn’t even wanna get out of bed.” “Really. So that wasn’t your donut-eatin’ ass on the other side of that glass all night, then, huh?” oh Derek, I love you so much, but you need to be careful.

Also, apparently him and Gordinski go way back to Derek’s youth? Was Derek a bad boy that had to be punished? Oh boy.

So that’s the guy who’s been following Derek? Damn.

What. He gave the kid a ride home and he was killed? Oh shit.

They think he killed Damien? No!

God, I hate Gordinski already.

What? A profile Gideon put together led Gordinski to Morgan? No. No.

Oh my god, so by just being an amazing person, Morgan accidentally put himself directly as the main suspect for the profile that Gideon put together for Gordinski? I knew I hated that fat old white man.

Wait. So he saw his father dead at the age of ten? Oh my baby boy! I love you so much!

And he just stumbled on the dead body, my poor baby.

He collected money to bury the kid. And he just put the date on the headstone cuz he never knew who he was. And every time he comes home to Chicago he visits him. Damn.

Hold up, let’s do math. Derek was 15 in 1991. It’s 2006 when this episode airs. Quick math here. They made Derek six years younger than Shemar. He’s 30 now, in season 2, I mean. Dang.

Oh god, he had a criminal record? Oh my baby.

And this Gordinski is definitely desperate to nail Derek’s ass to the wall. And I wish that was a fun way to describe him being hot for him.

“Okey-doke,” oh Emily, I love you so very much.

Aaron Hotchner just called Morgan a suspect. No. Uh-uh. Not happening. Not on my watch. Clean that mouth, Hotch.

Wait. It was expunged. Derek is right. Hotchner had no right to bring it to him and start accusing him. Scratch that, Gordinski had no right to bring this to Hotch or Gideon.

Victimology? Are you kidding me? Check your mouth, Hotch.

Oh wow. Shemar is the most amazing actor ever! He just went into panic mode. And I love him so much. I love Derek, I love Shemar, I love those guys for making this series and hiring him.

Hey, Sarah, no need to use that language in Momma Morgan’s house, kay?

Reid, you’re not helping the case here. Just shut the fuck up.

“He’s not actually saying we believe Derek’s involved in this.” Emily to the rescue. Lol. And Reid’s like, totally backpedaling and going – “speaking theoretically.” Oh my god, I love those two.

Aw! Derek talks about him? Baby!!!!!

Ooh, Sarah is feisty. I love her.

Okay, I feel bad about poking into Derek’s life, too, Garcia, but if you don’t do this, he’s going away, and we can’t have that, now can we, baby girl? Aw, he graduated college with honors, he was a star athlete, injured his knee, wait, I thought Shemar injured it in baseball? Maybe they changed Derek’s story. I don’t know. And then there’s the whole bit on finding the body in 1991. Yikes.

Wait. Derek’s dad tried to stop a robbery, was shot, and Derek was with him, and watched him die? What? What the actual fucking fuck? Oh my poor baby, I love you for evermore.

Carl Buford? He runs the youth center. Mentored Derek. Hmm. I’m suspicious.

Oh Garcia, you special precious snowflake. Unseal the file, you are trying to help angel fish, okay? Helping him.

Hold up, the guy who recommended that the case be thrown out of court, an upstanding member of the community, on whose recommendation Derek’s files have been expunged, has just walked into the CPD with Damien’s mother? Well, that’s a coincidence.

Good. Gideon told Morgan the truth. Great. But Gordinski had preconception of guilt. Ugh.

I’m totally with Derek. When you work with people so much and you’re practically living in each other’s asses with how close you have to be to each other, the one thing you’re desperate for is a private life. I’m totally in agreement. Find the fucker who killed Damien and those other boys and lock him the fuck up.

Wow, Buford’s office is pretty decorated. Yikes.

Aww, James is so cute!

So after hearing about Derek, they just take the detective’s word for it, and he feels terrible about helping him get those files expunged? Buford, you are one asshole.

So this Gordinski asshole is telling everyone that he has multiple evidence to convict Derek, even though there is none, and they just take his word for it. You sick, sad, fat, asshole. I’m fat, too, but this is about hate. Okay? I spent the last month or so falling in love with Derek, with his incredible character that this show has built, and now this asshole is coming in and trying to take it all away from me, I want to tear him piece by piece, till I get down to his very core and just take a steak knife and stab him in wherever it hurts, but still keep everything that makes him feel working so he can feel it.

Oh my god, I am so sorry you guys! That last phrase was totally out of line. I know Derek is a fictional character, but I get emotionally attached to Shemar in whatever he does. And I guess it got to me more than I thought. I’m sorry!

“Derek had a way of charming people into looking past his deficiencies.”

Okay, that’s enough. It’s official. I hate Carl Buford. Derek is perfect! Okay? Even his deficiencies are perfect, and you can go rot in hell, you sad, twisted old man. I bet you had everything to do with this and I can’t wait to find out what you did. You ASSHOLE!

Oh shit. I’m sorry again! Fuck. What is wrong with me?

Oh my freaking goodness. Derek’s terrified face when he heard Carl’s name. I KNEW IT! Shit. I am going to stab that little … oh my god! Here I go again! What the fuck! Oh my god, Criminal Minds has totally twisted with my brain, just because they hired this perfect chocolate bonbon that I just want to … okay, this is gonna escalate into something NSFR (Not Suitable For Reading) real quick if I don’t get a grip on myself.

11 minutes till the episode ends. *Deep breaths* I can do this.

I am seriously scared right now. How the hell did that name get Derek so worked up? Damn.

Wait what? Derek escaped? Oh damn.

So now he’s an escaped convict. Fuck.

Sneaky Morgan is hot.

Wait. Buford took him on trips? Oh no. Oh no. Please no.

Oh shit. He took all the star players to a cabin. Up in Wisconsin. For ‘fishing’. Oh honey, no, no, no.

Shit. Buford fucking molested Derek as a kid? Oh my god, my baby! I am going to kill that fucking Carl and shove my fist so far up his ass….

Oh god. Shemar is such an amazing actor, I can’t even deal with all of those emotions I’m having right now.

Carl, you fucking bastard. Please let Derek at him.

Oh my god, Derek is about to cry, and he’s crying, and I can’t handle this! I can’t! oh shit. This is the one thing I thought I’d never have to see, and I love him and I can’t handle watching people I love cry.

“You could have said no.” Really? Really Carl? You are going down. And I am not even sorry for seeing this.

I love you Shemar, Derek, whoever, both of you. Oh my god.

Oh my god, that last scene at the graveyard nearly broke me. So beautiful.

 PAH.

Okay, had to get that out, sorry. This episode was just one emotional roller coaster, and I fucking hate those shitty things, what pleasure can you derive from going against gravity’s will and just hanging upside down in mid-air strapped to something that could just as easily let you escape and fall and plummet to death?

So. We found out more about Derek’s past, and sure, it’s dark as his delicious lickable skin, but it just makes me love his character even more! I love him so fucking much! He’s a family man, a good man, and I love him forever. Now. Let’s talk about Shemar fucking Moore for just one hot damn second. This is probably the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my entire damn life. What the fuck do they teach them in California in acting school? Cuz hot damn! He just had me emotionally involved with just his expressive eyes and his facial expressions and his yummy body and just … everything. But maybe that’s me, cuz I get attached to the eyes quickly. That’s why I fell in love with Darren Criss in season 2 episode 16 of Glee when Blaine finally realized he was in love with Kurt. But that’s beside the point. My whole point is – I LOVE THIS SHOW AND I LOVE SHEMAR AND I LOVE DEREK AND I LOVE THIS AMAZING THING THAT I FOUND ABOUT THROUGH MY BROTHER AND I WANT TO THANK HIM FOR ETERNITY AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE OTHER EPISODES AND SEASONS HAVE IN STORE.

Till next time XD <3

[theazkabandreamer]

Midnight Chat

 This is the very first story that I published on Fanfiction.net and Archive of our own.

Harry was trapped. There was no way out. Death Eaters surrounded him as Cedric's body and the Tri-Wizard Cup lay glittering, out of reach. He would never get there in time. Lord Voldemort's snake like face loomed out at Harry. "

 Bow to death, Harry!" He jeered, red eyes flashing. "It might even be painless. I would not know. I have never died."

 The circle of Death Eaters laughed and closed ranks around Harry. Harry knew that he was going to die right here, right now.

 He wasn't going to die cowering. He stood up to his fullest height and stared Voldemort right in the eye. Voldemort's mouth twisted into a smirk. He raised his wand and there was a flash of green light.

Harry Potter woke up in a cold sweat, heart beating as if he had run a marathon. He sat up, reached for his glasses on the bed side table and put them one and got out of bed slowly and quietly, careful not to wake his sleeping wife, Ginny who turned over muttering something about James and Quidditch fouls.

After putting on his dressing gown and slippers and snatching his wand from the bedside table, Harry tiptoed downstairs being extra careful not to disturb any of his kids who were home for the Summer Holidays.

Harry crept into the kitchen, lit the lamps with his wand and sunk into a chair at the table. He had dreamed about the graveyard again. The graveyard in which Cedric Diggory had been killed and Lord Voldemort had been resurrected.

Harry had been revisiting the Graveyard a lot in his dreams recently ever since his middle child, Albus had stolen a Time Turner with his friend Scorpius Malfoy and tried to change time to bring back Cedric Diggory from the dead.

Harry had almost lost his son but the adventure had brought both father and son a little bit closer together recently. Harry had vowed not to repeat his mistakes and make Albus feel that he was unloved again. He had been working tirelessly on improving his relationship with Albus and although things were much better, they still weren't perfect.

Harry suddenly felt very thirsty. 'Time for a drink.' He thought. He got up, summoned a glass, and began pouring Pumpkin Juice .

Suddenly, Harry heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He glanced at the clock. It was Midnight. Who could be up at this hour?

It was Albus. He entered the Kitchen bleary eyed and jet black hair all over the place, saw Harry and frowned. His body tensed up as if he were preparing for a confrontation.

"Dad?" Harry felt the icy demeanour emanating from Albus. The tension became thick as Albus stood frowning at Harry. 'This is stupid.' Thought Harry in a voice that sounded like Ginny. 'Things are supposed to be better between us, now. Do not mess this up!'

"Hello, Albus." Harry said cautiously. He mentally kicked himself. 'What is wrong with you?! You're supposed to be his dad! Stop acting like he's going to bite you and actually act like his dad for once!' "Couldn't sleep?" The words came out more softer. More like Ginny and less awkward.

Albus shook his head. Frown disappearing, his body seemed to relax and he appeared less tense.

"Do you want something to drink?" Harry asked in the much softer tone. "I've got some Pumpkin Juice, if you want some."

"Alright then." Albus said cautiously, a small smile reluctantly appearing across his face. Harry summoned another glass as Albus sat at the table.

Harry was aware of his son's gaze as he began pouring the drinks. Albus wasn't usually one to get up during the night. Something must be wrong.

"Did I wake you?" Harry asked worriedly as he levitated the drinks to the Kitchen table with his wand.

"No, it's alright." Albus replied, taking his glass. "I was already awake."

Harry observed his son's profile. He looked as bad as Harry felt. His face was pale and glistened with sweat. Harry was about to say something when Albus spoke.

"Dad? Are you okay? You look rather pale, to be honest."

"I could say the same about you." Harry smiled. Touched at Albus's concern.

"Had a nightmare." Albus mumbled, taking a sip of his drink.

"So did I." Replied Harry.

Albus gave his father a curious look before returning to his drink. There was silence for a moment as Father and Son both sipped their drinks.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asked a minute later. "Because, I can do that, you know. I usually find talking about my nightmares helps a bit. I used to do that with your Mum quite a lot after the war."

He waited a moment as Albus was still drinking his Pumpkin Juice. He then put his glass down and shifted in his seat as if he were debating whether to speak or not.

"She was torturing him, Dad!" He finally burst out. "Delphi was torturing Scorpius and I couldn't do a thing about it!"

Harry felt as if his stomach had dropped to the floor. Of course Albus would be dreaming about his adventure. He had had nightmares for months after his school time escapades.

"I couldn't help him but then you showed up. She turned her wand on me. She was going to kill me, but you jumped in the way and got hit instead." Albus put his head in his hands. Harry reached out tentatively and patted his sons arm. To his relief, Albus didn't recoil.

"It's alright, Albus." Harry said, gently. In that soft, caring tone that he thought was starting to suit him.

"I'm right here. I haven't been hit and Scorpius is fine." Albus looked up, wiping his face with his pyjama sleeve.

"I know." Albus said in a thick voice. "It was only a dream. It's a bit stupid, really. Me getting upset over a dream like that when I know that Scorpius is safe."

"It's not stupid." Harry said. "There's no shame in having these nightmares, Albus. I have them all the time and I know for a fact that everyone who fought during the war, had them as well at some point."

"I didn't say that it was stupid to have nightmares." Albus said quickly. "I was just saying that it was stupid of me to fall to pieces like that."

"No it's not." Harry said. "I used to fall to pieces like that after the war. You and Scorpius have faced things that not many Wizards your age have faced. You're bound to have nightmares after what you experienced. It's a part of being human. And having these nightmares shows that you care very deeply about Scorpius. He's lucky to have a friend like you."

"I'm lucky to have a friend like him." Albus said sharply. It was obvious that he was thinking about the events of last year.

"Yes. You are." Relented Harry as the guilt of attempting to force them apart flared up in him again. "And I'm sorry….For everything."

"We've already forgiven you, Dad." Said Albus. "Don't go beating yourself up about it. We're supposed to have moved past all the stupid things we've said and done."

"You're right, of course" said Harry.

Both of them lapsed into silence before Albus spoke again. "

What was your nightmare?" He asked. Green eyes full of curiosity.

Harry told Albus about revisiting the graveyard in his dreams. About how he was cornered by Voldemort and his Death Eaters and about how he decided to die on his own two feet.

"I've had that dream loads of times." Harry finished. "Sometimes, Voldemort is torturing me and other times, I see my parents and Cedric. Cedric asks me to take his body back to his parents."

"How often do you have these nightmares?" Albus's eyes were full of concern.

Harry took a sip of his Pumpkin Juice before answering. "Well, I used to have them once a month but after your little…Adventure."

Albus's face turned red.

"I have them every night. It's always the graveyard as well. "

Harry paused sipping his drink. They lapsed into a comfortable silence yet again. Father and Son both grateful that the other was here. After a while, Harry got to his feet.

"Chocolate." He said as a response to Albus's quizzical look. "I always find Chocolate helps me after nightmares."

"But we don't have any Chocolate!" Albus said. "Mum's banned it all."

"Yes" Harry said guiltily whilst rubbing the back his neck. "But I've got a secret stash. You can never be too cautious."

Harry moved to the cupboards and stopped at the end one. He took out his wand, tapped the door and whispered "Hedwig."

He opened the door revealing a bar of Honeydukes Chocolate, a box of Chocolate Frogs and a pack of toffees that were given to him by Hermione. Harry took the bar and a couple of Chocolate Frogs, sealed the cupboard and took the chocolate back to the table where Albus was giving Harry an amused look.

"I've already eaten half of it." Harry said, giving Albus the Honeydukes bar. "You have the rest and I'll have a Chocolate Frog."

"So let me get this straight." Albus said with a small grin. "You've got a secret stash of chocolate and Mum doesn't even know about it?"

"What she doesn't know, won't hurt her." Harry grinned.

"You know she'll go mad if she finds out, right?" Albus said, grinning at the look on Harry's face.

"But she won't find out, will she? You won't tell her, will you?" Harry pleaded.

"Don't worry, Dad." Albus grinned. "I won't tell a soul."

He took a bite out of the bar of Chocolate. "This stuff actually helps. It's great!"

"I found it really useful after facing Dementors and it helps with nightmares too. But it's best not to rely on it too much." Harry said while taking a Chocolate Frog.

"Chocolate Frogs. I haven't had one of these in years." Harry unwrapped it and took a bite out of the Frog and immediately, felt the warmth spread all over his body.

"What card did you get?" Albus asked eagerly.

Harry took out the card and looked down to see his own face.

"Me." He groaned. "No wonder I haven't had these in years. The amount of times that I've seen my own face staring back at me."

Albus laughed. "I think a lot of wizards would love to have their own Chocolate Frog card."

"Uncle Ron said that it was his dream come true." Harry chuckled. "He even said that it was the best day of his life. Right in front of Aunt Hermione, as well. Poor bloke never looked at saucepans the same way again. That lump on his head took ages to go down."

Harry and Albus both laughed before sinking into a comfortable silence again. Albus took a Chocolate Frog and unwrapped it and started eating the frog. He looked at his card.

"I've got Dumbledore" He said quietly.

"He was the first card I had." Replied Harry.

"It's funny." Albus said thoughtfully. "I used to think that you actually enjoyed the attention. But now I'm beginning to see that you don't actually like it as much as I thought you did."

Harry smiled. "I hate it." He said. "I've always had people gawking me and staring at my scar. They think that I'm this big hero all the time who's not afraid of anything. But I'm not. I was terrified. Every time."

"I know, dad." Albus said. "You've told me this before."

"I couldn't even walk into Flourish and Blotts without making the front page of the Daily Prophet." Harry laughed at the memory.

"Bet that must've been embarrassing." Muttered Albus.

"It was." Harry chuckled. "I just wished the whole ground would swallow me."

Albus looked at him in wonder. "That's exactly how I feel." He exclaimed. "All the time when we're out in public. All the people that stare at us."

"You get used to it, after a while." Harry said gently. "I know it's not as easy for you as it is for James and Lily. James, in particular finds it too easy. I sometimes think he's far too confident for his own good."

Albus gave Harry a small grin. "Are you planning on telling him that?" He asked slyly.

"Probably." Harry replied. A grin forming on his own face. "After he's done something stupid. Won't be long, now."

Albus laughed again. Harry found his sons laugh rather infectious and couldn't help but join in. 'it's not everyday that we laugh like this.' Harry thought.

Harry's relationship with Albus was often strained with many awkward silences or Albus snapping at him. But tonight. Tonight was probably the first time since Albus had started Hogwarts in which Harry was able to talk to Albus without him scowling or snapping at Harry.

"it's good to see you laughing again, Albus." Said Harry.

Albus stopped laughing and smiled. "Yeah. Thanks." He said, face reddening slightly "It's great to be laughing with you. I hope we can continue laughing together. I know I'm not James. I'm not good with jokes like he is. But I am trying be a better son and got on well with you."

"You are a good son, Albus." Harry reassured him. "I was just a terrible dad to you. But I'm trying, too."

"I wouldn't say you were terrible." Albus mumbled. "A bit clueless perhaps, maybe a bit embarrassing, sometimes. But not terrible. But thanks. I appreciate the fact that you're trying."

Both father and son finish their drinks. Harry glances at the clock. Half past one in the morning. Albus was attempting unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" Harry asked.

"Yeah. Thanks." Albus replied as he took his Chocolate Frog card.

"I don't really want my card." Harry said tentatively "I've got about a hundred of them somewhere in the attic. But if you know anyone who collects them…"

"Scorpius would like it. He's been wanting your card for ages."

"Oh, great." Said Harry feeling relieved. He handed Albus the card and then got up to wash the glasses.

Albus hovered for a bit watching Harry. After a while, he spoke.

"Thank you for the drink. And the chocolate. And thank you for letting me talk to you about my nightmare. I'm glad you were up. I-I appreciate it."

Harry stopped washing up and walked up to Albus. "I'm glad I was finally able to help you, Albus." He said. "And I'm glad I was able to talk to you, too."

Albus suddenly gave Harry a fierce hug. Harry, lost for words, patted his back.

"I didn't know we hugged." Harry said awkwardly after a while.

To his complete surprise, Albus burst out laughing.

"You sound like Scorpius!" He chuckled.

"Is that a bad thing?" Harry asked uncertainly.

Albus pulled out of the hug and looked at Harry, grinning.

"No." He said. "It was just funny."

"Oh." Said Harry, comprehension dawning on him. He started to laugh too. "Right."

"I'm going back to bed" Albus told him whilst moving towards the door.

"Night, dad."

"Goodnight, son." Harry had a sudden idea. "Albus?" He called.

"Yeah?" Albus was by the kitchen doorway.

"I've taken a week off work for the holidays. If you want to, maybe we could have a game of Exploding Snap together, tomorrow?"

He waited with baited breath for his sons answer. Albus's face split into yet another wide grin.

"Yeah. All right, then. But you know, I'll probably beat you, right?"

"We'll see" Harry laughed. "Sleep well, Albus."

"You too, Dad. Looking forward to the game." And with that Albus left the kitchen and went back upstairs.

Harry could hardly believe his luck. He once again, had a conversation with his youngest son that didn't end with either of them saying things that they would regret later.

After washing up and vanishing the Chocolate Frog wrappers, Harry made his way back to bed. Head dizzy with elation and mind going over his successful conversation with Albus again. As he got into bed, Ginny stirred.

"Where have you been?" she croaked sleepily.

"Had a nightmare, again." Harry whispered "Went down to get a drink and Albus came down saying he had a nightmare."

Ginny sat up, fully awake and looking worried.

"Is he alright?" She asked.

"He's fine." Harry assured her. "I made him a drink and we had a chat and I actually got through to him for once."

"That's great! Ginny beamed. "So it wasn't a disaster, then and you didn't say something completely stupid like you wished that Albus wasn't born or anything like that?"

"What?! Of course not!" Harry exclaimed.

"Just checking." Ginny said hastily. "You two are not the only ones that have nightmares, you know. I had that one the other night."

"Gin. He hugged me." Harry's voice was full of emotion.

"He hugged you?"

"Yeah. I did a good job of comforting him. I decided to do what you suggested and I was honest with him and everything. It worked."

"Now if only you had done that earlier, we wouldn't have had this mess in the first place." Ginny remarked dryly.

"That's not all" Harry grinned. "I asked him to play Exploding Snap with me, tomorrow."

Ginny's eyes widened. "Harry Potter! You never cease to amaze me!" She laughed.

Ginny pulled Harry in for a kiss that went on for quite a while.

"You know he's probably going to beat you, right?" She asked after the kiss ended.

"Oh, yes" Harry laughed. "But I'll still make him work for it."

"Well best you get some sleep, then." Ginny winked. "You don't want to lose too quickly tomorrow, do you?"

Harry laughed as he took his glasses off and settled down. Happiness radiating through him. He had had a successful conversation with his youngest son and things were much better between them now. He was looking forward to his game with Albus tomorrow.

Harry was dozing off when Ginny suddenly spoke. "I can taste chocolate."

Harry opened his eyes in horror.

[agendahammer79-blog]

Saying Young Cooks Need to ‘Pay Dues’ Before Finding Success Is Kind of Bullshit

“Why do you think you can write a memoir at age 29?”

This is the question chef Kwame Onwuachi asks himself, seated across from me at a table as the final lunch guests of the day leave the sunny Kith and Kin dining room.

It’s the same question that Washington, D.C., asked when he set out to open his first restaurant, an ambitious, pricey affair that would tell his life story, weaving Creole and Nigerian culinary influences through a multi-course tasting menu.

“I’ve heard it a lot,” he says. “I just want people to know that everyone has a story.”

Onwuachi spent his formative years in the Bronx, learning from his mother’s cooking at home and at her catering company. After teen years spent dealing drugs, Onwuachi began working in restaurants (and on a ship) and started his own catering business. His passion and obvious talent for cooking led him to the Culinary Institute of America, where he studied while working in a local restaurant and running his catering company to cover tuition costs. He externed at Per Se, and then after graduating worked in the kitchen at Eleven Madison Park.

Both experiences were educational, but as he describes in his memoir, Notes From a Young Black Chef, which hits shelves April 9, Onwuachi was also subjected to racism both personal and systemic. In the book, he calls out specific chefs in the Per Se and Eleven Madison Park kitchens, still something of a rare practice in the chef-memoir genre. “It’s not easy to call out people,” Onwuachi says. “I think it’s important if you want change to occur, if you want people to listen. With this book, I want everyone to listen. This book is for everyone. It’s not just for young black chefs, it’s just not for chefs of color. It’s just not for chefs. It’s for everyone to know that no matter what happens in life, you should just keep going.”

He left EMP to tour with the Dinner Lab, basically doing pop-ups and competing with (and consistently beating) other chefs as part of a fundraising program. Eventually, two D.C. entrepreneurs offered Onwuachi and his culinary schoolmate and fellow EMP (front-of-house) alum Gregory Vakiner a seemingly blank check to build the restaurant of their dreams, which would be the Shaw Bijou. While that restaurant was under construction, Onwuachi competed on Top Chef Season 13, finishing in the final six. His profile on the show added flames to the fire of the hype around the Shaw Bijou, and when the restaurant closed only three months after opening, it came as a shock to everyone — including the chef.

As I wrote at the time of the closure, the meta-narrative around the Shaw Bijou was troubling. A major bone of contention within D.C. was that the Shaw Bijou was too expensive, at $185. In his memoir, Onwuachi reveals the domino effect of mismanagement that led the team to need the cash from early, high-cost ticket sales. And it wasn’t just that the Shaw Bijou would be expensive. It was the audacity, as some saw it, of such a young chef (he was only 26) opening his first restaurant project at such a high price point.

Looking back, it’s impossible not to wonder whether it wasn’t also that some of the D.C. dining public simply wasn’t open to a young black chef charging so much money and asserting his confidence in the fine dining space at all. The glee with which some corners of the internet cheered the closure says a lot more about dining culture in 2017 than just the enduring power of schadenfreude; it also tells us that the restaurant industry and its diners still believe big breaks are “deserved” or “earned,” even as the goal post for what it takes to be “deserving” isn’t fixed in place.

In the first chapter, Onwuachi writes, “More infuriating is the question about to whom I should have been paying dues. It seems like the only ones keeping track are the white guys with tall hats. And how did those guys get into the club? By paying dues to older white guys with even taller hats.”

In fall 2017, he burst back onto the D.C. dining scene with Kith and Kin, which has continued to gain steam, earning positive reviews from former Eater national critic Bill Addison and the Washington Post’s Tom Sietsema. When I sat down with Onwuachi earlier this month, it was only two weeks after he learned of his place on the James Beard Award semifinalist list for rising star chef. He’s back in the spotlight again, and maybe this time, people won’t insist he’s there too soon.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Hillary Dixler Canavan: One major theme you really wrestle with in the book is the meaning of paying dues. Specifically, what happens when you’re paying dues to people who don’t look like you, who operate in systems that are meant to keep you out. But also, you understand why one would have wanted to work at Per Se or EMP before doing something on their own.

In the mythology of professional kitchens, there’s the idea that kitchens are for outsiders. It’s this rag-tag crew of people and if you’re a misfit out there, you’re welcome in here. In reality, there are a lot of people for whom professional kitchens are a very unwelcoming place, for many women, LGBT people, people of color. Do you feel there’s a way for this industry to make room for young people that are in that period without defaulting into the dues-paying mentality that seems to be inherently stacked against them?

Kwame Onwuachi: As a young professional of color too, you teeter on: Okay, I go here to this restaurant. I “pay my dues” and then I’ll eventually get to open up my own restaurant. The reality is you go there, nine times out of 10 it’s the unspoken racism. The not moving you up, the let’s try again in a year and see where we’re at.

It’s not necessary. For me, I had my own path and I got exposed to fine dining, one from living in New York City, two going to the CIA and seeing the opportunities that were there for the externship program. For me, it was a different narrative. At Per Se, I didn’t get paid to work there. That’s now a real reality for people in general, but where I come from, where we take care of our families: It’s a very collaborative effort, when we’re at home, I pay some of the electric bill and everyone pitches in to make ends meet. That’s not a reality for everyone.

It shows the systematic oppression. I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional, but I remember there was another kid that was an extern there and he lived downtown near Per Se. Yes, he didn’t get paid either but his rent was paid for, his parents sent him money every weekend, and he was able to get there [easily]. I had to travel all the way from the Bronx and spend two hours in transit to get to Per Se. It’s not an equal, level playing field. When I get there, I’m exhausted before I even step through the door. I remember one chef telling me I was the laziest person he had ever met in his entire life after I had to work at 6 a.m. as a backup chef for Chopped [a paid job], just so I could afford to pay rent to come here. I was noticeably tired. No one asked, “Hey, are you okay?” It was like, “What are you doing? You’re so lazy. You know that? You’re the laziest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Meanwhile, I’m there working for free, busting my ass.

I think what it’s gonna take to change that scope is a little more diversity within the critics, more diversity with editorial staff. It’s gonna take more diversity with people of color within the staff of these large houses in order to really seek out these places from these people of color that may not have had the opportunities to work at places like Per Se or Madison Park, or go to the CIA, or even have the opportunity to have a restaurant like this. This is amazing. I’ve worked really hard for it. I’m very proud of it. There’s a lot of people doing pop-ups, or they have a small restaurant that’s open for dinner, or it’s been passed on throughout their family. They got a chance to send their kid to culinary school, but they still have to go back home and help run that restaurant. That is what it’s going to take in order to change things around a little bit.

HDC: And of course this isn’t unique to the restaurant world. In many professions, young people hear “it’s not your time yet, pay your dues, head down.” And then there can be a real backlash against people who put themselves out there when they feel ready to instead of when they are told they’re ready.

KO: Yes, when they’re told they’re ready.

HDC: I also wonder about if some of the conditions on the ground change, would that aspect of it change? If paying dues doesn’t mean the same thing for every person. If the person next to you at Per Se was paying his dues but living rent free, it’s different.

KO: It’s a lot different.

There are a lot of people that have worked their whole lives and then they get a chance to work in a restaurant, maybe like mine, and they can get a little bit of experience. They may feel that they are ready. Who am I to say that they’re not ready to go on and do their own thing?

Who are they paying their dues to? If anything, you’re paying your dues to yourself. When you feel like you’re ready, you should be able to go out and do whatever you put your mind to. This is a very short life we live. I would hate for someone not to strive for something and always have that what if I would’ve just done this.

HDC: In the book, it seems like you’re arguing that the whole concept of dues-paying in your own story was a way to validate certain types of experiences and not others. That there is a whole range of experiences that might be relevant.

KO: It depends on what you want to do.

HDC: Related to that, one thing that surprised me is that you really named the names. You didn’t shy away from saying this is who I worked for, here’s how they behaved. Did you have any hesitation about being so honest?

KO: There’s always some apprehension when you’re, for lack of better words, being an open book. Are people going to shun me or judge me for this? Or will they be upset at me because I named names, or how dare I speak about these things that should be left in the kitchen? I think that that’s bullshit and there is no bravery in that, on my end. How am I going to prevent that from happening to the next person if I don’t openly talk about it? Give real examples about it. That’s when things stop.

When people realize, Oh man, I’ve done that. I shouldn’t do that anymore. I didn’t know that these small little racist jokes affect people. When you’re a chef, most people are just like, “Yes chef” to you. I deal with that in my own kitchen. I’m like “Hey, how’s it going?” They’re like, “Good, chef.” I tell my sous chef, “Go see how it’s actually going over there. They are just telling me it’s all good.”

We need to know that our words matter. Especially if it’s some sort of harassment. We don’t talk about racism in the terms of harassment a lot. We talk about it as yes, if something major happens like if someone was racially profiled or it is a hate crime, or something like that.

The small, subtle jokes go unheard. Those are the ones that hurt the most because they are usually in front of a large group of people. If you understand it for what it is, then it’s like you’re not cool. “We’re just joking around.” But I didn’t start joking like this. Why do you feel that you could do this?

You just have to push through that small little area of uncomfortability. Whether it’s speaking up, speaking out, or just believing in yourself.

HDC: Right now, naming names has been such a powerful part of the #MeToo movement, too.

KO: It’s important to name your abusers. I don’t have to be excited about it. I’m just telling the story. I think that’s the same thing with the #MeToo movement. They are saying what happened and that it’s not okay. It takes a lot of bravery and I’m so proud of the women that have come forward and said that, because it has sparked change. I’ve noticed it in the industry.

A lot of friends that have restaurants now have sensitivity classes around sexual harassment. We have it here about racial equality as well. I think that that’s something that needs to be talked about more and more, to have people feel included, feel welcome.

HDC: Another theme of the book is that you are still young; it’s very much about a young person finding their voice and their career path. With the opening of the Shaw Bijou and Kith and Kin under your belt, with a book now under your belt, what’s your sense for young chefs who do feel ready to express their voice? Do you feel like you have any takeaways? Is your thinking about doing that different now than it was before?

KO: Not really. I think people learn in different ways. For me, I learn a lot by doing. I couldn’t have opened a restaurant that’s successful without having another restaurant that either went well or didn’t go well. I can only learn as much as I can with being hands on. I think it depends on the chef. I have a lot of chefs that look like me in my kitchen, which is amazing. They are like, how did you do it? I’m like: “I started to do pop-ups and then I traveled around the world. Then I got an opportunity to open up a restaurant and I was scared as hell, but I did it. I failed. I tried again, and that was it.” When they are like, “What should I do?” I’m like, I don’t really have the answers for you, what you should do specifically. I know as a cook I can give you what you need to work on as a cook: Hone your craft, more importantly. Keep your station clean. The normal things of being a good chef, that’s the foundation. To garner exposure, there is a multitude of things you can do. You can start writing. You can start doing YouTube videos. You can start doing pop-ups. You have to do what makes sense for you. Maybe you want to open up a food truck after this. You can go right into that after working in this kitchen. If you want to open up a restaurant this big, maybe start with a smaller one. It depends on the person, really.

If you’re ready to do anything, I would just try it. I’ve never written a book before and I did this. When are you gonna be ready for something unless you just do it?

Hillary Dixler Canavan is Eater’s restaurant editor.

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Source: https://www.eater.com/2019/3/21/18266033/kwame-onwuachi-memoir-notes-from-a-young-black-chef-interview-paying-dues

[syrolecep-blog]

Dating a black british man

Black men dating classy white British women..... British charm is real and awesome.  The company has two other employees and is close to hitting the six figure mark for annual revenues.  Controls are tight - men who can't prove their British identity through government-issued documentation, or fail to upload appropriate photos with the dates they were taken, are rejected.  My poor boyfriend was lost in translation! He finally met my family here in Brazil.  Real men give off a scent that can't be bottled up and sold.  He occasionally drinks tea, dries his laundry all around his bedroom, and finds it weird that in America we use window screens to prevent bugs from flying into the house- even though he complained about a bee getting in our room in England before! He prefers to wear casual blazers on a night out, and not complain to his waiter when he orders a beef burger and instead they serve him a chicken breast fillet.  I was surrounded by white people.

How to Date British Men While Fancier Than Americans, British Men are Less Prissy You want a man's man wrapped up in luxury? We help you find the person of your dreams online.  Because, seriously, who knew that pants means underwear across the pond? It isn't uncommon to see a black girl with a white guy.  Within two years, she had moved from Connecticut to Montana to live with Mr Graff, 46, a land surveyor.  Dating someone of a different race gives you the opportunity to learn about their culture and values; it also provides you with a more intimate insight into their racial differences.  This to me is just mind boggling.  You worry that you're coming off as too high maintenance and wonder, are they even going to ask for a second date? My family loves it when Chris comes over to visit, especially my young cousin Kacy.  I never anticipated dating a British man, ever.

Do British white men date black African women ? We love each other no differently than if we were from the same country.  But why would you want to do that? Hearing them pronounce words will be forever entertaining.  These give you the opportunity to meet other black singles in your area and are held in cities across the country.  Britain was the world's first industrialized country and its economy remains one of the largest still to this day.  British men tend to be polite, have a sarcastic and subtle sense of humor and are not afraid to laugh at themselves.  I hope to work through my general perception of the black male and to also better separate my interactions with strangers versus my interactions with potential love interests.

Are black (specifically) British girls interested in dating white men? Well if thats what floats your boat, go for it.  If this your first time here, I would love to have you subscribe and if you are a returning viewer, thanks so much for watching! Also, many British men love cricket — a complicated game full of rules that looks like a bit like baseball and has some of the same principles — though everyone plays in matching white uniforms and the games last many hours, even days.  Taking a look at the many success stories AfroRomance has had our hand in and it's easy to see why our member database is consistently being added to.  Sporting Behavior For a while in the 1980s, all many of you saw of British men was their tendency to turn soccer games into riots.  If one were to go through each relationship in my past however, it would become obvious that all of my past love interests except for one have been white.  He never had the heart to say anything until one day it came up in our conversation.  Chris is still far too embarrassed to really try to sound American! Well, that's all fine and dandy, but Christian Bale's abs aside, why should us American gals date a Brit? I always find myself gawking at Chris when he dresses.

25 Things That Happen When You Fall In Love With A British Guy Casual blazers, nice button up shirts, and sophisticated shoes.  British Accent: love love love! Tea sipping, bad teeth, overly posh speaking guys who all look like James Bond.  I never had that early experience of being with someone that was both racially similar to me and also compatible with me.  You will learn to love Skype dates.  Free membership for men was introduced only at the start of this year, something Ben believes may have stunted their growth so far.

Are black (specifically) British girls interested in dating white men? Hook up with sexy black singles in Uk, England, with our free dating personal ads.  I think of cousins and specifically my brother who are genuinely great guys and I do feel incredibly guilty and sad that I feel this way regarding my own race.  Hi Kallie, I have noticed also that in general, British boys and men are far more mature and sensible than their American counterparts.  They do not find your attempt at a British accent as cute and endearing as you may think.  Also, very normal American things will be fascinating to them.  This independence also appears in the raising of children.

What It's Really Like Dating a British Man Accustomed to Respecting Royalty — They Treat Women Like Princesses American ladies with a taste for the finer things in life would do well dating a British guy, Ben says.  For some mythical reason, American ladies turn into googly-eyed, golden retrievers when a British accent is in their presence.  When the London-bred, Ben Elman, his Connecticut-born beau on New Year's Eve in 2008, he was completely inundated with requests from her American friends desperately seeking snag a date or two with , British.  Ms Strobel, 48, was searching for gluten-free restaurants online when she stumbled across the niche dating website that changed her life.  She has been training dogs professionally since 2007, and is the Head Coach for.

Why do black men in England always date white women? I do these videos so you know that you're not alone out here in this sometimes crazy dating world.  Here in America, our response to lack of maturity is to make it worse by, say, upping the drinking age or imposing all sorts of rules on young people about things like driving.  I do have friends of other races, but my friend group is primarily white.  He takes up equal amounts of time up with all the kids.  Browse thousands of Uk black personal ads and black singles — all completely free.  I would also like to say they are very passionate about their children and families.

Are black (specifically) British girls interested in dating white men? Because in reality you sound like a chimney sweep right out of Mary Poppins.  If you have ever been to England, did you see much couples that included black women and white men? Why would it be called anything different? Yes I would like a Kate Middleton type in looks and the way she speaks English and her elegance.  Some people would perhaps find this flattering, but rest assured that the way they look at me would make most women run for the hills.  The Accent No doubt about it, Ben's got us on this one.  Members are validated as real people by signing in through Facebook and Instagram; an incognito feature allows profiles to be visible only to those they choose to communicate with.  I also wonder if black men instinctively pull away from someone like me who has mostly white friends and is unaware of certain cultural nuances.  Bristlr, an online dating site for beard enthusiasts, womenbehindbars.

5 Jolly Good Reasons To Date British Men British black girls aren't trying to follow an American black women stereotype so that isn't something that will generally come to mind.  How possible is it to get with a classy, middle class type with a classy british accent.  After a few months you might even be calling your friends your mates and complaining about the annoying adverts on television.  You miss them all day, all the time.  I am still surrounded by white people.

[netunleashed-blog]

Who is Danny Dyer, what's his net worth and Brexit views? EastEnders actor' daughter Dani won Love Island

http://www.internetunleashed.co.uk/?p=28915 Who is Danny Dyer, what's his net worth and Brexit views? EastEnders actor' daughter Dani won Love Island - http://www.internetunleashed.co.uk/?p=28915 Danny Dyer is famous for his cockney accent, outspoken views and now his daughter Dani. He is often headline fodder himself and is a week day regular on TV, due to his role in one of the country’s biggest soap operas, but thanks to his eldest daughter he's seen his star rise even higher. Dani Dyer won ITV2 smash hit reality show, Love Island, in 2018 and Danny was often brought up in conversation between the Islanders as they pondered what he would make of her sweetheart, cheeky chappy Jack Fincham. Here’s everything you need to know about the British actor… Who is Danny Dyer and what is he famous for? Danny in Human Traffic (Image: Rex) Daniel John Dyer was born in Canning Town, London in 1977 to parents Antony and Christine Dyer. When he was just nine, his father walked out on the family after it emerged he had a secret second family. He was discovered by an agent after attending a weekend drama school and auditioned for a part in Prime Suspect 3, which started his acting career at the tender age of 16. Other TV work includes roles in A Touch of Frost, Soldier Soldier, Skins and Hotel Babylon, Casualty and Hollyoaks. He turned down a part in EastEnders in 2009, saying at the time that he wouldn’t star in it until he was “fat, bald and fifty”. But of course, in 2013, it was announced that as of Christmas that year he would star as the Queen Vic’s new landlord, Mick Carter. As Mick Carter in the BBC soap (Image: 5752) He has a long list of roles to his name in films, including Human Traffic, Mean Machine, The Football Factory, Severance and Adulthood – some more successful than others. Critics have often gone to town on his film work, slating him. He has presented documentaries on hard men and hooligans, including The Real Football Factories and Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men and also starred in three Harold Pinter plays on stage, among others. Danny appeared on an episode of BBC ancestry show, Who Do You Think You Are, and discovered that his family came from a long line of Thames based dock workers. However he was shocked when they went further back in history and found his great grandfather x 15 was Thomas Cromwell and his great grandmother x 14 was Elizabeth Seymour – the sister of Jane Seymour , aka Henry VIII’s third wife and therefore Queen. His family line went right back to to William the Conqueror and Rollo, Duke of Normandy. Danny has released two autobiographies. Danny’s daughter Dani won Love Island Dani is the apple of her dad's eye (Image: Internet Unknown) Read More In 2018, his daughter Dani was one of the stars of Love Island on ITV2. Aged just 22, she had previously appeared in ITV2 reality show Survival of the Fittest, but was forced to leave early on after suffering an injury. Petite brunette Dani was a favourite from the start and immediately coupled up with Kent boy Jack Fincham. They stayed together all the way through the fourth series, despite a couple of hiccups along the way and by the end of the two months, were officially boyfriend and girlfriend and had declared their love for each other. Danny appeared of Facetime for the Meet the Family episode from his holiday in the US. He had (half) joked before Dani went on the show and during it, about what he would do to any lad who touched her or upset her. But he and wife Jo both said they were happy for the young couple. Dani and Jack went on to win with a huge majority and claimed they planned to move in with each other and have a family in the future. It was predicted the couple, who shared the £50,000 prize money, stood to make a fortune through sponsorship and TV work and could easily become millionaires. Who is Danny’s wife? Danny with loyal wife Joanne Mas (Image: WireImage) Danny met childhood sweetheart Joanne Mas at the age of 14 when they were at school together. They have been together ever since and have had three children, Dani, Sunnie and Arty. Joanne asked Danny to marry her on Valentine’s Day in 2015, after 25 years together. He said yes and they tied the knot in Hampshire in September 2016, with eldest daughter Dani as maid of honour. Danny told Hello magazine at the time: “To be standing here with the girl I grew up with – looking so beautiful in her wedding dress – that is a lovely thing. “Jo is my best girl – the love of my life. Without her, I would be nothing.” Until Danny’s career took off, Jo was the main breadwinner of the family thanks to her job as a financial advisor. Danny’s ‘affair with Sarah Harding’ Danny in flop Run for Your Wife, with Sarah Harding (Image: Handout) Read More In 2017 it was reported that Danny had a previous fling with Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding when they were starring together in Brit flick Run for Your Wife in 2012. A friend of Sarah’s told The Sun: “Danny and Sarah spent a lot of time together learning lines, running through their scripts and practising their kisses. “They had a lot of laughs and spent more and more time together preparing for the various shoots.” Joanne ended up kicking Danny out of the family home when she also discovered he was back in touch with “a bunch of wrong ‘uns”. He moved into a hotel near the Elstree Studios, where EastEnders is filmed, and was pictured wearing the same clothes for four days. The couple managed to repair their relationship and Danny slowly started to spend more time with his family after vowing to clean his act up. He had previously confessed to cheating on Jo in 2009 with a young starstruck fan and in 2014 was caught out again after a threesome with two girls he met in a club. Drinking, drugs and controversies Danny has a wild side (Image: Instagram/officialdannydyer) Read More It was around the same time as his split from Jo that Danny took an extended six week break from EastEnders. He was a guest at the NTAs where he licked GBBO star Mary Berry’s face , was seen ranting and had to be calmed by his co-stars. Following the EastEnders break he went teetotal and when offered a drink by Piers Morgan on a TV show turned it down and said: “I hate what it does to me, the way it makes me behave. “Problem is, once I start, I can’t stop.” Danny in Severance with a funky fag (Image: Rex) In 2010 Danny was Zoo magazine agony uncle but that ended when he advised a reader to cut the face of his girlfriend who had dumped him so no one would want her. He admitted after it was a bad taste joke that he shouldn’t have said but never thought the ghost writer would include. Danny has been open about his use of drugs recreationally, writing in one his autobiographies: “I’ve always taken drugs and probably always will. "But there's a difference between having the odd crafty bump up the snout as a reward for a job well done and letting it rule your life." He also admitted to taking to crack “like a duck to water” and using it before a Broadway performance. Read more about his various spats with Mark Wright, Katie Hopkins and Strictly dancer James Jordan here. What are his views on Brexit and David Cameron Danny had an outburst on live TV that delighted many Read More In 2018 Danny hit the headlines when he appeared on Good Evening Britain, hosted by Susanna Reid and Piers Morgan. With Labour leader Jeremy Corben and Pamela Anderson as fellow panel guests, the outspoken cockney twice called ex Prime Minister David Cameron a “t**t”. Discussing Brexit, Danny lost his cool and said: “This whole Brexit thing when you're judging them. Who knows what Brexit is. You watch Question Time and it's comedy. "Know one knows what it is, it's like this mad riddle. What's happened to that t*** David Cameron that called this on." He later shouted “t**t” again. Danny raised some eyebrows and some smiles on the panel (Image: ITV) In an exclusive interview with the Sunday Mirror , Danny stuck by his views and said he felt he’d become a poster boy for the Remain campaign, having originally voted leave but then changing his mind. “The reason I want to remain is because Cameron decides to f*** off the next day. We are talking the next day after the vote didn’t go his way,” he told the paper. “I find it fascinating that we can allow that. He only called this vote on, whatever it was meant to be, because he had a spat with the other p**** Farage. “I f****** hate Cameron and I always have and that’s probably why I voted leave as well. What is Danny’s net worth? Danny has a very comfortable home life now Read More Thanks to his lucrative role in EastEnders, where he’s thought to be the highest paid star, Danny is now worth around £3.8million, according to Celebrity Net Worth. But his fortune has seen a huge turnaround because just before he took on the role, he was almost bankrupt. In 2015 he appeared on the Jonathan Ross and revealed the soap had save him financially. “I didn't have an audition, they rung me up, I had a touch,” he told Jonathan. “They rung me up and said 'Listen, we want you to come in the show, take over the Queen Vic'. At the time I was skint and I just had about enough petrol money to get there, that's the truth.” His career had been doing well up until around 2010, when he made the comment in Zoo magazine and his public profile took a battering. He also saw some of the films he starred in panned by critics and bomb at the box office, with very poor takings. In the same year he signed up for the BBC1 soap, he put his film company Old Mother Media into liquidation, owing more than £30,000, so he’s made quite the recovery. Source link

[njawaidofficial]

'Awards Chatter' Podcast — Common ('13th')

http://styleveryday.com/2017/08/27/awards-chatter-podcast-common-13th/

'Awards Chatter' Podcast — Common ('13th')

“The biggest blessing is the platform that it creates,” the rapper and activist Common says of the widespread awards recognition that his music has received over the past few years, as we sit down at the offices of The Hollywood Reporter to record an episode of THR‘s ‘Awards Chatter’ podcast. The 45-year-old, whose first album was released 25 years ago, continues, “To win an Academy Award [for writing, with John Legend, the song “Glory” for the 2014 movie Selma]]? To get an Emmy nomination for “Letter to the Free” in 13th? The things that we get to talk about, the people that we get to reach, the lives that we get to change — that’s the most important thing for me.”

(Click above to listen to this episode or here to access all of our 174 episodes via iTunes. Past guests include Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, Lorne Michaels, Meryl Streep, Eddie Murphy, Lady Gaga, Robert De Niro, Emma Stone, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez, Louis C.K., Reese Witherspoon, Harvey Weinstein, Natalie Portman, Jerry Seinfeld, Jane Fonda, Ryan Reynolds, Nicole Kidman, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Taraji P. Henson, Justin Timberlake, Elisabeth Moss, Michael Moore, Kristen Stewart, J.J. Abrams, Helen Mirren, Denzel Washington, Brie Larson, Aziz Ansari, Stephen Colbert, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Warren Beatty, Jessica Chastain, Samuel L. Jackson, Kate Winslet, Sting, Tyler Perry, Amy Schumer, Jay Leno, Mandy Moore, Ricky Gervais, Kris Jenner & Jimmy Kimmel.

Common was born Lonnie Rashid Lynn and raised on the South Side of Chicago. He found his calling when hip-hop blew up in the eighties and he saw people around him rapping and break-dancing. “I related to it so much,” he remembers, noting, “I initially got into music because I was a break-dancer.” As his voice matured, he began rapping, as well, and soon adopted the moniker “Common Sense,” something his mother always had urged him to use more of. At just 19, his first album, Can I Borrow a Dollar (1992), was released and put him on map with the underground hip-hop community, but not with the masses as he had hoped. He named his second album Resurrection (1994), feeling as if he needed to come back from the dead — and he did. On the back of the controversial single “I Used to Love H.E.R.,” which suggested that hip-hop was losing its purity, and which enraged Ice Cube and other West Coast rappers, it proved a hit.

Meanwhile, the rapper, who had been raised with a great “belief in God,” was “reading a lot” and beginning to realize that “music has an impact.” His already existing positive outlook and his growing social conscience combined to steer him in the direction of making “conscious music,” music that informs and enlightens those who hear it. One bump on the road was having to change his stage name, after a group from California that also called itself Common Sense sued him. He reluctantly dropped the “Sense” — “That was the period I lost my hair,” he says, noting he was “stressed out” that his music identity would be lost — and began going simply as Common. With the benefit of hindsight, he says he’s happy the change happened, since Common reinforces the way that he sees himself: as a man of the people.

Common’s fourth album, 2000’s Like Water for Chocolate, proved his biggest hit yet. On the back of the single “The Light,” it went gold, he won a Grammy for best rap solo performance and his public profile changed entirely. “It was a totally different level,” he explains. “It was going from an underground artist that other artists appreciated and getting some critical acclaim, to mainstream people knowing the song, at least.” Shortly thereafter, he and a younger, up-and-coming rapper from Chicago, Kanye West, began working together. In 2003, Common was featured on Kanye’s breakout album The College Dropout, and in 2005 Kanye was featured on Common’s album Be, which eventually became his second to go gold.

Also in 2003, Common began to get into acting, first with parts on TV (starting with Girlfriends in 2003) and then films (beginning with 2007’s Smokin’ Aces). “After the album Like Water for Chocolate,” he recalls, I hit kind of a creative ceiling musically, and I really felt that there was something more for me to do, creative in another way, to dig into the divine aspect of art and expressing myself, but I didn’t know what it was. I started working on trying to play instruments, and it just didn’t feel natural. But I went to my first acting class, and I felt like the heavens opened up. I was like, ‘Wow, I never knew that I could express myself in this way.'” He soon was appearing in roles and films of increasing significance, and winning strong notices for his contributions.

In 2012, having come through a period of being relentlessly slandered by Fox News, generally, and Bill O’Reilly, specifically, with suggestions that he had supported “cop killers” and therefore should not have been invited to read poetry at the White House, as he was in May 2011 (“That was obviously to bring down our president, Barack Obama, and our first lady, Michelle Obama,” he says now), he entered one of the most fruitful chapters of his career, which continues to this day. That January, he attended the Sundance Film Festival and met the fast-rising filmmaker Ava DuVernay, who was there with her film Middle of Nowhere. They hit it off and, not long after, she cast him in her next film, Selma, as James Bevel, a radical member of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.‘s inner-circle.

DuVernay also welcomed a music contribution from Common for Selma‘s soundtrack. He reached out to John Legend about collaborating on a song called “Glory,” Legend sent back his proposed chords and chorus, and then Common, shortly after leaving his father’s memorial service, set to work adding rap lyrics. “I was in a real open-hearted space,” he says, and finished his work within a week-and-a-half, lyrically tying Selma to more recent race-related confrontations, specifically, Ferguson. “We made a period piece feel like now,” he says. “Glory” cracked the top 50 on the Billboard Hot 100 and was awarded Critics’ Choice, Golden Globe and Academy Awards. Common looks back on his Selma era as “life-changing” and “life-enhancing,” and adds, “There’s no other movie or song that I would want to receive my first Academy Award for than Selma and ‘Glory.’ It gave me more responsibility and work to do.”

Legend’s portion of the Oscar acceptance speech for “Glory,” in which he noted that “there are more black men under correctional control today than were under slavery in 1850,” had a profound impact on Common that is visible even in footage of the moment. “It shook me, it really shook me,” he acknowledges, “and from there I started to seek out more information,” including Michelle Alexander‘s 2010 book The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness. And when he later learned that DuVernay’s next film would be a documentary about mass incarceration, he reached out to her and pleaded for the change to contribute a song to it. “I just wanted to write something that was emotional, something that was spiritual, something that was moving… and gave information but also was hopeful,” he says. The result was “Letter to the Free,” a portion of which he first sang to DuVernay at a White House celebration to which they both were invited near the end of the Obama Administration. “She couldn’t deny it,” he says with a chuckle, adding, “She ended up changing the ending of the film because of the song ‘Letter to the Free.'”

Even with his music being recognized left and right, Common’s focus remains firmly on activism (he jetted off from our recording to a rally in Sacramento) and bettering himself, both as an artist and as a person. “I know I have to grow,” he says. “I’m gonna work and give 150 percent, 360 degrees of me, to grow to become a great actor — but I do believe I can be a great actor,” he says. “I love theater and I really would love to act on Broadway, and write for Broadway, and write music for Broadway and produce for Broadway.” And, he says, in response to a question about the Donald Trump era, he says, “No government is greater than the people, no government is greater than God,” adding, “What I’ve observed is it has awakened a lot of people to want to do more. The pain and the hatred that exists in America — as it’s surfaced, people who want to see good in America and want to see love have surfaced, too.” He closes, “Whatever your passion is that’s spreading love to yourself and other human beings, we have to pursue that with all that we got right now.”

Primetime Emmy Awards

#13Th #Awards #Chatter #Common #Podcast

[traitoronlytohimself]

Regrets, Confessions, Guilt and Secrets: Part 1

Regrets. I, like most, have many regrets. For others regrets are about things you wanted to do or the book you should have bought or the username you wished was different.

For me regrets are hard truths. I shouldn’t have done [blank] because of [blank]. I wish i hadn’t done the things that i did. I wish i could have done something else or said something else. Regrets haunt you and they certainly haunt me. Quite often regrets are towards people and most of mine are.

I regret not making this post sooner because it’s painful holding things inside, it’s hard not having a friend close enough to say this to. I had the idea to do this a couple of weeks ago but i think i procrastinated because i was scared of the idea of these things coming to light…so here it goes - my lifetime of regrets:

1. My grandma. My mum’s mum died i think in 2005 when i was either 3 or 4. I wish i had known her like my sister had known her, i wish i had done things differently because the only memory i have of her i was a dumb litte kid who obviously didn’t know anything. I didn’t know she was dying, i hardly knew she was my grandma because i couldn’t remember seeing her before (i think because she was in hospital for a long time). When we got to the hospital or care home or whatever it was i almost immediately went to the tv to find something to watch. I didn’t really talk to her and I was a little grumpy because i don’t think they had cbbc or cbeebies on the television, it was pretty much just bbc one.

I wish i saw her more, i wish i hadn’t been so young, i wish that when we see a robin and say it’s grandma Barbara that i could put a face to her name.

2. Luke Carl. Now and again i go to church and sometimes Luke does too. When we were kids and junior church was actually good we went a lot more often. When we were between the ages of 4 and 6, i think, we were both in beavers (like pre cubs which if you don’t know is pre scouts) and we did this walk down a canal. We were so close to where everyone had ended up that we really wanted to run over but it was on the other side of the canal. I say i couldn’t see th bridge but i can’t remember if i couldn’t. I know what the bridge looks like now I’m older and i remember seeing it after being told off. We had been told that we shouldn’t cross over the locks or whatever they’re called because we could fall in but i couldn’t remember seeing the bridge so when i asked if we could cross i meant the lock not the bridge. I knew it was dangerous and i think i asked multiple times because i couldn’t remember or doubted that i heard correctly but the person looking after us said yes and we crossed. I’m pretty sure it was my idea or luke tried to tell me there was a bridge but nonetheless we both got seriously told off because if we had fallen in we could have died. Now when i see him i often remember and feel guilty.

I regret crossing the canal when i knew it was dangerous. I regret being so impatient that i couldn’t wait for the old guy leading us to reach the bridge. I regret getting Luke in trouble.

3. Matthew Riley. There’s not really much to this one and it’s pretty dumb but basically i said to his mum he was hyperactive because we went on a camp as a part of cubs and he kept us up for ages when we were trying to sleep. I had to apologise and i did but for some reason i still feel kinda bad about it. We weren’t really friends to begin with and he was younger than me. We only saw each other now and again because our mums were friends and my sister babysat him and his little brother from time to time.

4. Ben. Another weird little one. Basically before he moved to another part of Hemel and had to change schools we were friends. We were only in year 2 and i think he was one of my first few friends. I kinda feel like i peer pressured him into getting pokemon diamond/pearl because i had recently discovered it. He liked it but I’m pretty sure he moved on from it pretty quick. It’s silly but i feel guilty because i shouldn’t have done that. Sure i was like 6 or 7 but some blame has to be put on me even if it hasn’t affected his life at all.

5. James Batchelor. Towards my last year of primary school i started to become closer friends with a couple of people. James was one. We talked about moshi monsters (yeah i know, what a loser) and also our hate for a couple of people in our year. We both didn’t like popular people because they were usually annoying and we just weren’t like them. There were a few nice popular people but there were about two nasty ones in his class. Anyway, he came over to my house once and i can’t remember what happened but i think he was kinda rude, i kinda remember him saying “oh, i saw your password” and saying he could go on my account and stuff. It’s a bit hazier than the others but the gist of it was we fell out and i said some mean stuff about him. I regret whatever it was between us especially since I’ve seen him a couple of times in game in the last few years and we never said hello once or waved in acknowledgement.

6. Scout Summer Camp. I was sorta bullied in year 7 because i had a really high pitched voice, I’m fairly camp and I only really had 1 friend from primary school in secondary school. I was asked by these two assholes whether i was gay about a thousand times a day even when i said no. Today I’d have to say it’s complicated but back then i was 11 and was as sexually attracted to other people as a doorknob is so of course i said no because the way they asked all the time was in a way that suggested it was a bad thing.

When i went to summer camp maybe a year later i got into a bit of a fight. The day before this kid was annoying me and being a bit of an ass. He spoiled something in the movie that we watched although it wasn’t really a spoiler because it had nothing to do with the plot or ending and he kept saying stuff and being annoying all through it. The next day or whenever it was we were in the the foresty bit near our tents and he was being annoying. I’m sure i said some mean things too though. He had a bit of this thin blue rope thing he was messing about with and i stepped on it. I wouldn’t let go so he threw a tennis ball. I think i told him to try again or something and he did. I hit him with the rope and he still has a scar i think. I chased him and tried to apologise or something but he kicked and punched me away. I was told off and when spoken to one to one about it something came up about that i had been under some stress or was having a rough time because of what happened in year 7 so i kinda blamed it on that. I wasn’t really punished at all but i should have been.

I regret that i didn’t take the responsibility properly and that i didn’t get punished properly. I felt so guilty and everybody else made me feel so bad. I hate what i did and regret even going to scouts. I didn’t like it that much, people were mean to me and I was mean to them.

7. Carl Allen. This is one i really regret. I was volunteering for our scout summer go karting thingy and i was doing the lap signs with Carl in the middle of the field. He was nice and funny but he was popular so at times it felt like he thought he was better than me because he knew more stuff and was into cool things and was far more social than me. He was a bit of a joker and i was used to people lying to me just to see my reaction because “it’s funny” and to see if “I’m gullible”.

I said something about mums like why don’t you ask your mum or something and he told me his mum had died a few months or a year ago from cancer. Being the shitbag that is me i either thought or told him that i wasn’t sure whether to believe him. I knew it was horrible to think he would lie about something like that but i did. He doesn’t go to my school, we’ve never been friends, we’ve never really talked or seen each other but i still feel guilty. I’m sure he probably doesn’t remember me but i feel guilty because what if he hates me and he remembers it and if i ever meet him again. Plus atm I’m kinda questioning and on his Facebook status it says complicated and recently or a while ago he changed his profile picture to one with him and this guy and also he posted a pick showing he got his ears pierced which i view as something kinda gay mostly because it is usually only gay giys can pull off. I feel really bad and guilty about what i did and all i can think is what of i were friends with him. Maybe I’d know if he was gay and maybe I’d know if i was gay.

There’s so much i regret about this and there’s so many emotions but i can’t really put them all into words.

And that’s all that i can think of for now but I’m happy that I’m doing this because whenever you regret something your mind keeps making stuff up to make you feel less bad like “I’m sure i didn’t do that” or “i can’t be blamed - i was only a kid” and every time that happens i feel guiltier and doubt the lies we tell ourselves.

I made this mostly because I would like to apologise to all these people but i can’t, at least not in person or through social media because i don’t know what to say and i don’t want to feel bad or guilty anymore. I don’t want to think about them but i feel that i should for the things I’ve done.