#Jake gyllenhaal… giggles…

[scyape]

first time painting :3c

[anifever]

Dating Darry Curtis HC’s ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Darrel “Darry” Curtis x Fem!Reader

୨୧ : What I think dating ‘Superman’ would include

A/N : I’ve been busy but school’s out now so hopefully I can work on requests 💔. Also ily Jake Gyllenhaal but they should’ve never remade Roadhouse..

˖⁺‧₊˚ 🕊️ ˚₊‧⁺˖

୨ I hate to say it (not really), but you’re like a married couple

୨ The gang calls you mom and dad as a joke

୨ You guys are so sitting on a porch with wind chimes and birds chirping in the bg and the warmth of the sun hitting your skin coded

୨ You’re so disgustingly in love and it makes everyone sick

୨ I feel like bcs of how he’s portrayed and the responsibilities/stress he takes on from the entire gang, it makes him seem way older than he is

୨ That’s also probably due to Patrick Swayze being 31 instead of 20 while filming and also being 15 years older than C Thomas Howell irl instead of the 6 year age gap their characters actually had…

୨ Anyways, you help him actually act more his age

୨ You convince him to go out more, etc

୨ Everyone’s happy to see him let loose once in a while

୨ Like you guys mess around when you bake/cook together by throwing flour at each other and giggling omg I’m vomiting

୨ You guys are sometimes (very rarely) even spotted at Buck’s together and Dallas has to do a double take

୨ You also bribe the boys to give you guys or just him in general some alone time LMAO

୨ You absolutely slow dance in the kitchen. Idc.

୨ He’s the type to call you “a real treat” when you dress up or do something nice for him

୨ Going shopping together and him walking around with his lil’ glasses reading the grocery list while you push the cart

୨ Sitting in his lap while he reads the newspaper ohahahwbrbrbnrne

୨ You guys definitely met early on; slow burn

୨ You were SO ‘So High School’ by Taylor Swift when you were a little bit younger

୨ Been in the works of writing a ff abt that..

୨ FINALLY officially asked you out senior year for prom and you’ve been together since, even though you guys were in love way before that

୨ You definitely have to get in between his and Pony’s fights a lot

୨ Soda comes to you for advice, no matter what it is- he thinks it’s refreshing to have someone new to talk to rather than constant arguing, yada yada

୨ Dallas either flirts with you to piss Darry off or he has a relationship with you like he did with Mrs. Curtis. No in between.

୨ The type of man to give you foot massages

୨ On the contrary, you also massage his shoulders

୨ Johnny probably had a tiny crush on you when you first met him years back, but it went away when you guys started dating

୨ Went away to an extent at least..

୨ Him standing between your legs while you’re sat on the sink shaving his face for him GODODODODID

୨ He says “honey, I’m home” unironically

୨ He’s able to pick you up pretty easily no matter your weight

୨ He does it a lot and it’s mainly to show off LMAO

୨ You guys play checkers together and genuinely enjoy it which doesn’t help your mom/dad allegations

୨ EXTREMELY good at calming you down whether it’s a panic attack, etc

୨ He might lose his temper a lot on his brothers, but he never does it with you

୨ If he ever does accidentally snap at you, he apologizes to no end

୨ He’s touching you whenever he can; a hand on your waist, around your shoulder, keeping you on his lap, a finger in your belt loop, etc

୨ Speaking of belt loops, you pulling him in by the loops or his belt buckle to kiss him⁉️⁉️⁉️ I’m losing it

୨ Whenever any sort of errand needs to be run, he either forces Pony/Soda to do it, or makes you come with him alone

୨ He buys you flowers whenever he has the extra money ☹️

୨ Has his moms wedding ring kept someplace safe to give to you one day

୨ On another note, she loved you so much before she passed

୨ She was also constantly teasing him about you two when you guys were younger

୨ If he’s exhausted from work and flops onto the couch with you, don’t expect to be getting up anytime soon

୨ Back to the ‘him going out more’ point- you guys go to rodeos together whenever he knows Pony is being watched by someone else

୨ Calming lil’ picnics together by a lake

୨ He unfortunately will have to cancel plans a good amount because of work-related stuff, but you completely understand

୨ He’s pretty stubborn about letting you help with money, but he gives in sometimes

୨ You leave him cute notes in the lunch that he takes to work <\\3

୨ He for sure keeps a hand on your thigh or knee while driving

୨ There’s no doubt in my mind you’d grow old together

୨ He’s thankful for you in so many ways and is glad you’re able to help his life feel normal again and like an actual 20 year-old

[gyllenhaalstories]

COUNT IT DOWN — JAKE GYLLENHAAL

summary: jake grunts. jake grunts a lot. jake grunts very loudly. do i need to say more?

warnings: smut (semi public sex, quickie, fingering, penetration, orgasm control, creampie). 18+ NO MINORS.

word count: 2920

gifs credits: me @/gyllenhaalstories / divider credits: @/firefly-graphics

notes: i can't get the sound of jake's grunts out of my head (not that i want to anyway) 🥵 thank you for reading & REMEMBER TO REBLOG!

"9, 10, 11, 12..."

You sighed. They had been counting to twenty so many times over, they probably hit the million mark by now.

"13, 14, 15, 16..."

You busied yourself around the gazebo, alternating between taking photos of the cloudy sky and videos of the gentle breeze that made the branches of the pretty flower bushes surrounding the area dance.

"Harder!"

The camera, following your movement, focused on Jake rather than the white flowers.

"17, 18, 19... 20!"

"Fuck!" Another grunt.

Jake's trainers and fitness team showered him in praise for sustaining yet another repetition of literal gut punches.

But all you could hear was the noises he just made.

Your man glanced over at you and waved, soft giggles completed the picture. He was gesturing something. For someone who spoke so much with his hands, he was not that good at it.

You figured he meant he was almost done. Or so you hoped.

The punches started all over again, but the sound of the gloves hitting Jake's skin and the redness that bloomed over his abs indicated they were going all in for this last set.

You approached the gazebo, attention focusing on the noises that Jake was making and how he scrunched his nose with each punch.

With each grunt too. Was it a subterfuge to distract himself from the pain, to trick his mind and body to take hit after hit?

Your jaw dropped, although only Jake noticed, while you watched them. It was mesmerizing. No, actually, it was hypnotizing.

The ceiling fans could not rotate fast enough to dry the layer of sweat that was all over Jake's body. He contracted his abs with all his might, hands behind his head and torso exposed to receive more torture. The masochistic exercise was sending his brain into overdrive.

You murmured a faint "You're gonna hurt yourself" that got blatantly ignored by everyone in the room. You clutched on your phone harder, as if you were receiving a part of all that pain too. The fingernails of your free hand dug crescent shapes into your palm.

"One more." His opponent was back at it with the assault on Jake's abs. Everybody in the room chanted the last series of numbers until the training was finally over. In between each digit, there was a loud grunt. In between each hit, the veins of Jake's pelvis bulged while pumping all the blood that made his skin a dark share of red.

Everybody but you retreated to one of the many entrances of the gazebo, getting ready to leave. Meanwhile, you leaned on the column for much needed balance.

"That was fantastic!" Jake laughed. His laughter was the only one that sounded genuine. The other guys chuckled, worried, at his appearance. They pointed out how he was "red as shit". To which Jake answered that "We want the movie to be good, you know."

You were concerned, still, but more so turned on by the scene.

The endorphins were hitting Jake hard. You could tell he was worked up in more ways than one. The euphoric giggles and cocky smile, the way he hopped and jogged around the gazebo to keep his body in this momentum. He was not hearing a word that his team was telling him, something about setting up his ice bath, as they exited the area in a cacophony of squeaky shoe noises. The only thing Jake acknowledged was your presence.

You let him walk to you close enough to pull you by the hand so he could kiss your lips.

"I knew it. I knew you wanted to watch." He smirked. "I gave one hell of a good show, didn't I?" He took your phone out of your hand and set it on the bench from where he grabbed a towel to wipe his forehead with. "Don't tell me that's not true, it's written all over your pretty face."

You rolled your eyes, not even trying to stand up for yourself. "So, you're done now?"

Jake shrugged with a not-so innocent grin on his blushing face. "Kinda."

"What do you mean, kinda?" You sighed, annoyed. "If I hear you guys count up to twenty again today, I swear..."

"Ooh, I'm scared." He giggled again. He calmed down and squinted, looking at you through his long lashes. "No counting up."

Your satisfaction with his answer was short lived.

"But we'll count it down."

You watched him while he draped the towel down on the black mats. "Remember when I bet that you wanted to join me today? I was right." He took a step closer to you. "I'm feeling all the good luck running through my veins right now, so I wanna make another bet."

You looked at him with a confused arched brow. Your eyes studied his body. From the messy wet hair, down to the curve of his pecs, and even further down to his swollen abs; your eyes were met with the bulge in his shorts.

"I bet you that I can make you cum," he brought your attention back to his face. "With twenty thrusts."

"Here?" He nodded. His team was not far away, you could hear them dump bags of ice in the converted trash container that was used for temperature shocks. You rolled your eyes. Laughing while taking in so much pain was insane, but not having a care in the world about getting caught was even more insane. "Nah."

"Come on! I know you want to." He repeated the next words in a lower, quieter voice. "I know you want me to fuck you." He caressed your cheek with the back of his hand. "Twenty thrusts, that's all I'm asking." Jake loved to work his magic, he knew all too well that this same magic worked every time. Well, almost. "You gonna give it to me? Gonna let me fuck your pretty pussy? Gonna let me show you who you belong to?" The hand that was on your cheek started to travel down your body, following the shape of your stomach until it slid under the hem of your clothes.

You gasped when you felt his warm hand cup your pussy underneath your panties.

He grunted when his fingers dipped ever so slightly in your wetness. "Yeah, you do. You want it so fucking bad." He pushed his middle finger between your folds and teased your clit. "You were getting so worked up from watching me that you had to go play in the flowers like a busy little bee. You couldn't keep your eyes off me for long, huh?"

You cut his monologue short with a passionate kiss. Your tongue invaded his mouth but quickly lost the battle for dominance.

The way you moaned against Jake's lips gave him the unspoken permission pull down your pants after you both kicked off your shoes. He broke the kiss to help you lay down on the towel and remove his shorts too. "I take it as you accept my bet?"

You both laughed while you gently slapped his chest. "Just fuck me already."

"Attagirl." You did not need to say it twice. Jake spread your legs open and positioned himself between them, kneeling and taking deep breaths while he took in the sight of you offering your body to him.

"We gotta be quiet." You reminded him about the risks of getting caught. What a waste of words.

Jake used your wet pussy to jerk off and lube his cock. He looked at you and how you squirmed under him. You were so wet for him, he glided over your folds and clit easily. "Oh yeah, looks like you care so much about being quiet." He didn't give you time to protest, he guided his cock and pressed it against your entrance. "I don't give a fuck if they hear. And judging by how wet you are..." He pushed, slowly, until his tip was inside of your clenching walls. "You want them to hear us too."

You moved on him, helping Jake get all the way inside you. He was surprised, but through a nod you both agreed that the first thrust did not count.

Jake puts his hands on your stomach, keeping you immobile and at his mercy. "Count down for me, baby."

And you did just that, or so you tried. Jake's first five thrusts were slow and deep, he let you get adjusted to his size while he praised you over and over again about how good you felt wrapped around him. He was rock hard, all the stamina built up from his training made it near impossible to hold himself back and stick to his stupid bet.

"Please, harder!"

Jake grunted in response. He obliged, happily. Selfishly, too. He scrunched his nose and bared his teeth with each thrust.

When you called out the number fifteen with a loud and long moan, he switched things up.

He lifted your legs so you could use his body to lean them on. In this position, you were slightly lifted upwards. He pulled almost all the way out and pushed all the way back in your pussy. The angle made your entire body flinch. He waited for you to say the next number out loud, but his patience ran out fast. "We're not even halfway done and you've gone dumb already? That's my good girl."

With the next ten thrusts, Jake successfully fucked the shyness out of you. You counted down from 15 to 5 loud enough to please him and most certainly loud enough to be heard. He was reaching so deep inside of you, that a few of those numbers failed to come out of your mouth. Instead, your incoherent "Ah, ah, ah" drove Jake even crazier and that made him want to keep hitting that sweet spot.

Now, there were five thrusts left. You could tell that Jake was dangerously close to the edge by the way he grunted louder and without any restraint. He was lost in the moment, without a care for the world that surrounded him. All that mattered to him was making you feel good.

"Fuck!" You cried out when his thumb brushed over your untouched clit. "That wasn't part of the," you panted, he rubbed your clit faster. "Of the rules."

"Do I look like I care?" He breathed out. "Look at me."

You batted your cock drunk eyes at him and took in the view. He looked so good, all sweaty and needy from this different, and much more entertaining, form of exercise.

"That's it, forget about it. You don't need to think." He pulled out, leaving just his leaky tip inside your hole. He watched your chest rise and fall with anticipation for the next thrust that followed quickly after.

"5... 4..." You counted along.

"3," Jake counted down with you. His thumb rubbed your clit at the perfect pace and intensity. Your pussy clenched so tight around him that he knew the last couple of thrusts would make it almost impossible not to cum too quickly. You were both so close. "Just like that, baby. You're taking me so fucking good."

"2." Your face twisted into a blissful expression. Nothing else mattered other than your imminent release. You rested your hands on Jake's arms, kind of trying to keep him close but also kind of trying to push him away so you could process the way your body felt in this very moment.

Jake stilled inside of you. The way your walls clenched and relaxed around his cock felt heavenly. He pulled out completely and sat back. He grunted when he caught the view of your pussy, juices leaking down on the towel from your stretched out hole. You looked so tempting, so delicious. If only he had more time, he would devour you like there was no tomorrow. If only. "Ready, baby?"

You nodded, hands reaching in his direction to try and bring him back where you needed him the most, which was balls deep inside of you.

"Yeah, you are." He leaned forward to kiss you, a distraction from the touch of his fingers on your sensitive clit. He needed you closer, impossibly closer, so that he could feel you explode all around him.

You arched your back. He swallowed your moans. Your legs tried to wrap around his waist, you were trying anything to get him to make you see stars.

"I regret this stupid bet." He scoffed. He looked down at his slick covered cock, it was red and veiny like the rest of his abdomen. It throbbed between your bodies. He could not wait any longer. He used his free hand to line himself with your entrance for the last time. He took a deep breath and exhaled when he pushed his cock inside of you.

Inch by inch, you felt all of his length until he bottomed out. With his thumb rubbing your clit, it all felt so intense. You let out your loudest moans yet when you started to cum on his command.

Jake tried to talk you through it, telling you that you were his "perfect cockslut" and that "your pussy was made to take my cum". He slurred his words more than anything.

His voice echoed in your empty mind, so did the sound of his grunts when your clenching walls brought him to his orgasm.

He fought to keep his eyes open so he could watch your reaction to being filled with his load. Jake moaned your name when your pussy relaxed around him. It finally let him move, not that he wanted to.

Your legs fell down on the floor and you laid there, giggling to yourself. Jake lost no time to join you, laughing along while he kissed your lips.

You put one hand on his cheek and the other one on the back of his head, not caring for his sweaty hair. You pulled him closer for another kiss. You wanted this moment to last forever, and, well, you desperately wanted a second round.

"Oh shit." Jake cursed when he was called out for his ice bath again. "Just in time." He pointed out the odd timing, right when you guys finished. The was no way this was a coincidence.

Your eyes widened at the realization. There was no way this was a coincidence. They heard you. They heard it all.

"Coming!" Jake yelled out then exploded in a fit of giggles while he stood up and put his gym shorts back on.

"You're unbelievable." You, finally, laughed along with him while trying to hold your body up on your wobbly knees.

Jake looked down at you and scrunched his nose again. "You look so fucking good down there."

"I know." You agreed.

Jake winked at you, then he told you how you were the unbelievable one. He adjusted himself in his boxers, apprehending the temperature shock that awaited him, but you pushed his hands out of the way.

You licked over his puffy, red abs in a long stripe. You tasted his salty sweat on your tongue while you kept going for as far as you could.

You earned a loud grunt and helping hands to pull you back up on your feet. "You're not shy now, huh?" He smiled from ear to ear while he watched you dress up too. Jake promised himself that he was not going to let this be the only time you licked his sweat like that. You could not get away with doing something so hot.

You caught him staring so you stole a quick kiss from his lips as to not take an even longer and more suspicious amount of time before sending Jake back to his fitness team.

"Don't worry, baby." He tried to reassure you, which worked for a split second. "Everybody already heard you while you were cumming. I'm sure they won't mind if we take a little more time." Jake held your jaw in his hand and planted a long kiss on your lips, making sure you did not wiggle away from him just yet. He called the shots, or so he liked to think, and only pulled away when his named was called out again.

You shooed him away, laughing along.

"Go back to the house and wait for me there, yeah?" He started to jog away from you and exited the gazebo. "I'll need something to warm me up afterwards." He turned around to wink at you and he disappeared from your sight. You could still hear his mischievous giggling while you collected your senses, until the noise was replaced with the group of men loudly discussing the amount of ice to put in the makeshift bath.

You picked up the towel from the floor, hiding the evidence that the drops of his cum left behind, and you grabbed your phone from where Jake left it. You squinted when you noticed how it was propped up against a boxing glove, aimed in the direction where Jake fucked you. You gasped audibly when you discovered that your phone was recording the scene the entire time. You held your phone tightly in your hand and walked out of the gazebo, heart racing and heat radiating from your core.

Jake was right: he would need something warm to help him recover from the ice bath. And with this little video of yours... You knew exactly how to keep his favourite set of holes ready.

[rebelliousstories]

Rooftop

25 Days of Ficmas

Relationship: Donnie Darko x Reader

Fandom: Donnie Darko

Request: No

Warnings: Fluff, Mentions of Mental Illness and Medications

Word Count: 1,229

Main Masterlist: Here

Jake Gyllenhaal and Co. Masterlist: Here

Summary: It’s not snowing, and it’s not terribly cold right now. But a quiet night on the roof is much needed to get away from the shenanigans down below.

Consider Donating: Here

There was a party raging on downstairs. A party that Donnie wanted no part in. His entire family gathered around and it was too much. He could not even ask his girlfriend to come over because she had a creative writing assessment for AP English to get done over the break. Everyone’s voices were both too loud for him, and not loud enough to quiet the ones in his head. There were too many smells, overlapping and bothering his senses.

Which is why Donnie found himself on the roof. Cool night air blew across his skin which aided in him not being so overwhelmed. All the chatter inside was contained to the house. That smell that could only be described as a moonlit winter night wafted around him. Rubbing his arms for a bit of warmth, Donnie was starting to regret not wearing a jacket out tonight.

However a piece of fabric was draped around his shoulders which trapped in some heat. It was then that he could hear the noises from inside get louder, the muffle once more. The wafting smell of cookies followed after whoever had come out to his little spot.

“Hey, Donnie.” A sweet voice called. Holding the blanket tighter, he turned and smiled when he saw her; his best friend in the whole world who, thankfully, agreed to be his girlfriend a few months ago.

“Hey. What are you doing here,” he asked, letting her sit next to him. Opening the blanket, he allowed her to scoot in close. In her hands was a plate of cookies, complete with his favorite lemon iced cookies that she made for him whenever he asked.

“Your mom called me. Said you had disappeared and no one could find you.” She picked up one of the gingerbread men and brought it to his lips, but he just pouted. Rolling her eyes playfully, she dropped the cookie back on the plate before grabbing a lemon one instead. Donnie happily opened his mouth for the sweet bite of heaven, and let out a groan as he tasted the deliciousness on his tongue.

“I’m fine, sweetie. You know me.” He replied through a mouthful of cookie goodness. Giggling, she placed her hand over his mouth to close it.

“I know, but she was worried about you. How are you feeling?” He gave her a thumbs up but got lost in something over her shoulder.

“Donnie,” she groaned, “have you been taking your meds?”

“Yes. I have. There are lights going off behind you.” Relieved, she turned to where he was now pointing. Another house on the block had a light show going on, and it was captivating. Smiling back at her boyfriend, she turned in his hold to now rest against his chest as his arms wrapped snuggly around her.

“Those are so pretty. Who’s house it that?” Her eyes were enraptured with the display.

“No clue.” Donnie replied, nudging his nose into her cheek to grasp her attention. Turning, she chuckled at his childish way of opening his mouth. And yet, she still found herself placing a gingerbread man this time.

She began to nibble one a Christmas tree sugar cookie, enjoying the sweet icing and sprinkles. Lights twinkled and flashed. Different colors and solid warm white light, all of it bounced off the various decorations in their yard. They could not see it clearly because of their vantage point, but they saw enough to be entertained.

Another windchill swept through, but the couple just sat out there.

“How much did you get through on your assignment?” Donnie suddenly asked, with his head resting on her shoulder to look at the lights.

“Just gotta edit it. But,” she nuzzled his cheek much like he had done hers, “even if I had not started it at all, I would still be here with you.”

Pressing a sweet kiss to the corner of his lips, she was about to turn again, but Donnie caught her mouth again. A much deeper lip lock was engaged now, and neither was complaining. She set the plate in her lap, before raising a hand up to cup his jaw.

Pulling away slightly, Donnie started to chuckle. Her eyebrow raised as she traced her eyes over his smiling face.

“You taste like cookies,” he muttered, still chuckling.

“How do you know that it’s not you that tastes like cookies?” She teased, running a hand through his dark hair.

“What if it’s both of us?” Donnie whispered conspiratorially. One look shared between the both of them sent both into a fit of giggles. They both had to be careful not to move too much. Not only so they did not lose the heat of the blanket and each other’s body heat, but also they did not fall off of the roof.

There was silence all around them after a while. Giggles had died off, chatter was reduced, even the music was turned down. It was probably getting late, which Donnie confirmed by looking at his watch. And yet, even with the evening winding down, they remained up there on the roof.

Eventually, the light’s from house across the way did turn off as it neared midnight. Donnie tucked his head against her body inn the crook of her neck, occasionally pressing small kisses to the exposed skin. The night went cold, no longer chilly, very fast. At around fourty-eight degrees Fahrenheit, the couple was truly relying on each other to keep warm. However, breeze of heated air blew past as someone opened a window nearby.

“Hey, lovebirds,” caught their attention. Mrs. Darko was poking her head out of the house towards the kids outside. “Let’s be getting in. Five minutes till midnight.”

Mrs. Darko retreated back into the home while they reluctantly untangled. Shivers ran down their bodies as the freezing breeze swept around them. They hurried into the warmed house, thankful that his mom had decided to turn the heat on. Allowing herself to warm up a bit, she began to make her way to the door.

“I should go to let you sleep.” Her words were not filled with enthusiasm, which Donnie picked up on immediately.

“Stay the night? My mom and your parents already know that you’re here. Please?” He begged prettily, casting those wide puppy eyes to her that he knew she could not resist.

“Fine. Can I have some clothes to sleep in?”

With some pep in his step, Donnie set about collecting the perfect shirt and boxers for her to wear. He himself changed into his own pajamas in the bathroom, allowing her the room. Coming back in when he was given the go ahead, the boy was overwhelmed by the site of her in his clothes. It never failed to make him happy just imagining her like this. They fell into the warm covers and soft padding of the bed, wrapping back up into each other’s arms.

“I love you. Thank you for coming,” Donnie whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“You’re welcome. I love you, Donnie,” came her reply, her own kiss finding its home on the base of his throat. As they drifted off to sleep, it was made abundantly clear that all he needed when he was overwhelmed by a party or his own mind, was some roof time with his favorite girl in the whole world.

[shesgeeked1]

Pilot Kelson smut

(i haven’t seen any stories about pilot which is crazyyyy cause he was so fine in this movie!! so i made one.)

- pilot kelson played by jake gyllenhaal in Highway, 2002

- i tried to make it like the movie as much as i could so please don’t mind the cringy parts 😭

- contents: cheating, sex obviously, unprotected sex, caught. (idk😭)

- gif made by me 😊

• you and pilot have been besties since elementary but ever since he got with lucy you guys haven’t been close as usually.

you sigh as you look at the time. “you just clocked in” your coworker told you while laughing. “i know and i already wanna go” you said tiredly. u hated your job but the money was worth it. new costumers walked in and you grabbed your notebook and lazily went over to greet them. you knew this was gonna be a long day.

some hours in you hear the work phone ringing and decided to answer. “hey welcome to burger den, what can i get for you” you said politely. “um, well actually this is gonna sound weird but i’m actually calling to see if this girl works there that goes by y/n”

you waited awhile until you answered. “yea you’re talking to her, who is this?” you questioned. “it’s pilot i know we haven’t hung out in awhile but i was wondering if we could catch up maybe after work” he said. you were happy to hear from him again and wanted to see him as badly as he did.

“i wish but i work late hours today pilot, i’m going straight to bed after i get off” you told him. “then i’ll come see you during work, duh” he said with a chuckle. “wouldn’t lucy have a fit?” you said sarcastically. you didn’t like her one bit. “lucy doesn’t have to know anything, plus it’s not like we’re doing anything.” he said.

“fine, see you soon” you told him while hanging up quickly to get back to work. soon later you see 2 people walk in. it was a girl that had a bikini for a top with a long brown coat and bell bottom jeans, next to her you see your friend jack. you went over and hugged him.

“ms. untouchable” jack said while hugging you. “and the god of fuck” you told him. “you know it” he said. “how long has it been, like 5 years?” you asked. “gold star y/n!” he said while touching your forehead. “and who’s this?” you asked jack. “this is our friend cassie, cassie this is my childhood friend y/n” he introduced you both.

“the god of what now?” cassie asked “of fuc-“ you began. “it’s a long story that’ll i’ll tell you about later” jack stuttered as he covered your mouth. “ohh you haven’t told her yet?” you said as you moved his hand. -you’re not helping- jack mouthed to you. -my bad- you mouthed back.

“noted but you’re very beautiful” the girl told you. you paused as you didn’t take compliments well. “thanks, you’re gorgeous as well” you told her while blushing. “okay can we quit the flirting lesbians?” you heard someone say. you turned to find the spiked haired friend you’ve been missing since forever.

“pi!” you said while going in for a big hug. he looked nice with his button up collared shirt with some brown jeans and this dumb loud ass colored visor. “damn how long has it been” you asked. “too long, i missed you a lot” he confessed. “i did too” you said as well. it was your break anyways so you went and got food for you both.

“damn she starving you?” you questioned as pilot was eating like there was no tomorrow. “maybe” he chuckled. you both talked until you finished eating. “that was good” he said as he rubbed his belly “yea i can tell” you giggled. “wanna-“ he began. “wanna what?” you questioned “wanna smoke like we use to do back then?”

you gave pilot a blank stare. “pilot i am at work if i come my high ass back in here i’m not gonna wanna do shit” you told him. “man cmon what happen to the old y/n? you scary now?” he teased you. “never” you said as you got up and pulled him along with you. “y/n, where you going? your break ends in like 5” your co worker whispered to you. “just tell the manager i’m shitting or something”

you said while walking out. “shitting?” pilot said while laughing. “yea he’s a pain in my ass anyways.” you responded. he then lead you to the car and started lighting up. after sometime of passing it back and forth it started to kick in. “you know i really missed you and im sorry for cutting you off with no explanation” he confessed.

“yea, you’re still a dickhead for that” you said. “i know but lucy made me do it and i didn’t wanna make her feel any type of way” he said. “it must be good then” you joked. “tbh it’s not, she doesn’t satisfy me at all” he said. “then why u still with her?” you asked “cause i don’t wanna be mean yk”

that’s what you admired about pilot even though he was cheater and a liar he was always nice and caring no matter what. “and no matter how many girls i find to fill in that void i never succeed” he confessed “damn must suck” you told him. “yea, can i be honest” he asked “sure” you said. “ you remember that time when we macked?”

he asked. “yes pilot” you said while rolling your eyes. “what?, don’t act like you weren’t into it” he laughed. “i don’t know what you’re talking about pi” you joked with him. “you sure? cause i remember you saying how you couldn’t wait to feel me in you“ he said while staring into your eyes. “what does this have to do with anything?” you questioned as you broke eye contact.

“seriously tho, you were the only girl i felt something with y/n” he told you. “same” you told him. you hated how good pilot made you feel but it’s wrong for him to treat lucy like that even if you didn’t like her. “but enough about me what about you?” he asked putting the attention on you. “what about me?” you repeated “yea, you still haven’t been touched?” he joked.

“yea” you answered. “damn, life without dick” he said while turning his head to you. you both started bursting out laughing. you took a moment back to think how you really missed pilot. you were admiring him for awhile and started seeing how good he looked. you tried to shoo off these feelings blaming it on the weed.

you didn’t realize that pilot was doing the same as your faces just inches apart. you then kissed him but regretted it shortly after. “shit, i’m sorry” you apologized. pilot grabbed your face going in for another which caught you off guard.

while still making out, pilot pulled you ontop of him cranking the seat back. you started to feel him grow under you. “pilot this is wrong” you said in between kisses. “you sure? cause you seem to be enjoying yourself” he told you as he took one hand under your dress to feel your wet panties.

you moaned at his touch as you felt embarrassed at how wet he made you. “pi, what about lucy” you whined. “she doesn’t have to know” he whispered to you. these words made you wetter as you loved the thrill of doings things you weren’t supposed to. he then stuck his hands in your panties and rubbed around your clit.

you tried to hold back your moans but pilot noticed and began rubbing your clit. “fuck-“ you moaned at the sudden wave of pleasure. “you like that” pilot whispered into your ear. you didn’t want pilot to know how much power he had over you so u didn’t respond. he then inserted 2 fingers into you without warning.

you let out a loud moan as you felt him already touching your gspot. “what about now” he asked again. you were still stubborn and wouldn’t say a word no matter what. he then began to go faster and faster making you closer to reaching your high. “not yet y/n, pi needs a little something too” he said as he took his fingers out.

you then got on your knees perfectly fitting under the steering wheel while watching pilot slowly unzip his pants. you grew impatient as you finished it for him, pulling down his boxers as-well. you palmed him slowly hearing his breathe become shaky.

you looked into his needy eyes as he watched your every movement. you then took him in your mouth without warning. “shit” pilot groaned at the sudden pleasure. you started to bob your head up and down while stroking him at the same time. “damn, slow down” pilot stuttered out.

you went even faster driving pilot closer and closer to his high. “fuckkkk” pilot drug out as he grabbed onto your hair realizing himself into your throat. you swallowed making sure not to miss a single drop. “lucy never made you do that?” you teased him. “never” he breathed out heavy.

you got back into your seat and pilot jumped to the back. you stared at him blankly. “what?” he asked cluelessly. “you’re not getting none” you told him. “so you think you can make me bust a nut like that and get nothing in return? yea you’re crazy” he said as he pulled you to the back with him.

he sat you perfectly on top of him slowly moving you back and forth seducing you. you couldn’t help but move your hips making yourself crave for him even more. “i promise you won’t regret it” he said into your ear. pilot knew exactly what he was doing and it worked. you slid your panties to the side exposing your soaking wet pussy grinding so slowly onto him.

“want me to fuck you?” pilot asked while looking into your eyes. you turned away not answering. “hm?” pilot said while teasing your entrance with his tip. “no-“ you moaned “your pussy is telling me otherwise” pi whispered to you. you couldn’t keep the act up anymore so you gave in.

“just fuck me” you whined. with this he slowly slid himself into you as you took him all. “mm yess” you moaned as he felt so good inside of you. “bounce that shit” he said and you did as you were told. the car was now filled with the sound of skin slapping against eachother. “just like that pretty”

pilot moaned loudly. this turned you on even more as you went harder. pilot threw his head back biting his lip trying not to be a moaning mess. “your dick feels so good” you praised him. this drove him crazy and at this point the car began to bounce. you felt him harden up in you and you slowed down.

“don’t be a tease y/n” pilot groaned as he slapped your butt. you hissed at the pain but it felt so good mixed with the pleasure. you started bouncing again driving pilot closer to cumming. you then got off and bent over wanting him to fuck you crazy.

“please pilot? drive me crazy” you said seducing him. pilot was frustrated that you gave him blue balls so he slid into you without warning. “wait” you screamed as he pounded so deep into you hitting your cervix each time. “take it” he groaned. you were such a moaning mess.

“harderrr” you screamed. with this pilot put your head into the seat fucking you senseless. “never knew you were such a slut y/n” pilot laughed breathlessly. you both were sweating like pigs and pilot loved it. “you still untouchable baby?” pilot asked you. not a single sound came out of your mouth.

you were too dick filled. pilot then pulled you by your hair making your back touch his chest. “i said are you still untouchable?” he moaned into your ear “nooo” you screamed as you were getting so close. “louder baby” he grunted. “fuckkk” you moaned out releasing all over pilot.

pilot kept going sending you into overdrive. you threw your hand back, pushing him off but he grabbed your arm slamming it on your back. “its too much” you cried out. pilot didn’t care, he kept pounding until he grew sloppy releasing all over your back but before you two could even get up someone knocked on the window.

you both looked up in unison covering your bodies. “a little privacy jack” pilot told him “shit, sorry pi” jack said while turning around giving you both time clean up and get dressed. after you finished you got back into the passenger seat and jack and cassie got into the car. it was an awkward silence that fell onto the four of you.

“so” cassie started. “untouchable” jack said under his breath. pilot and cassie bursted out laughing as you grew embarrassed. “haha very funny” you rolled your eyes. “my bad ms. UNtouchable” pilot said while poking your arm. “shutup and drive” you told him while giggling.

cue shutup and drive by rihanna- 😎

(i feel like that is such his song)

hope you all liked this !!!!!

[a-fluffer-nutter]

Certain Conditions

A/N - Day 15 of Tickletober!! Today's prompt is one of my favorites: Are you ticklish? I would like to say: Hey @otomiyaa and @fanficsandfluff I cooked us up some Twisters fluff! I hope you both and everyone else enjoys!!

Word Count: 1,440

            “No way,” Kate perked up from her spot on the bed, sitting up so her head was supported by her arm, elbow pressing into the squeaky mattress as she excitedly eyed Tyler.

            “No way what?” Tyler repeated, turning his head on the pillow so he could see his girlfriend better. He hadn’t expected Kate to break the silence between them, the duo having been quiet as they watched a terrible disaster movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Aside from the occasional “but that could never happen!” the two were silent as they cuddled on the bed of the first Best Western they could find in Kansas that evening.

            The team had been out chasing for the last few days. There hadn’t been many storms with the right conditions to become large tornado producing supercells, which was good for all the towns they drove through, but they had managed to spot a smaller twister just outside of Hays, Kansas, which was where they found refuge for the night. After stopping at Freddy’s for burgers and custard, the team split up into different rooms. Now that Kate had secured funding for their research, they were able to splurge a bit on hotel expenses.

            “Are you ticklish?” Kate mused, unable to bite back her smile. Brows raised in a startled confusion; Tyler just stared at her.

            “Why you think that?” Tyler drawled, smirking up at her.

            “You made a noise,” practically vibrating with excitement, Kate reached out and poked the man’s side. Now expecting it, the tiny twitch his muscles did had been stunted and controlled.

            “You’re making a lot of noises right now,” letting out a small huff from his nostrils, Tyler mimicked her, poking Kate in the ribs. The woman let out a little giggle and smacked his hand away.

            “You’re gaslighting me,” letting out an exaggerated whine, Kate decided she was going to take drastic measures.

            “And why would I do that?” Tyler let out a chuckle as Kate rolled over onto him. With absolutely no resistance from Tyler, Kate was able to hug his waist with her legs, pinning him onto the bed. Both palms pressed into his chest as if she was about to perform CPR, Tyler let out a huff of disbelief. “Why, hello there, love.”

            “Do it again,” Kate said, using both hands to gently tap her fingers on the side of his ribs. Wiggling his torso a bit, Tyler stayed focused on the woman on top, completely fascinated and in awe of her actions. Kate was a scientist; if she had a hypothesis, she was going to certainly experiment to get answers.

            As if to taunt her, Tyler lifted his other arm under his pillow, lifting his head slightly as he intertwined his fingers. Appearing absolutely relaxed; Tyler gave Kate a look that said, “go ahead.” So that’s what she did.

            Tracing each rib slowly, as if to not miss any micro-reaction, Kate felt his skin twitch beneath her fingertips. Her fingers would start at the sternum, select which rib to follow, and slide her fingers as far back as she could reach, then hop up to the next rib. As this went on, Tyler watched her eyes as they were locked onto his skin, meticulously scanning and looking for answers. His breathing remained even and calm, but goosebumps spread across his body as she trailed the pads of her fingers along his pectoral muscles. Next, her fingers journeyed along his collar bone down to his rotator cuff and back to continue against his throat. This touch made him shiver as her soft touch reached the soft scruff on the underside of his chin to his jaw line, following the bone up to his ears, eliciting a sigh of serenity. Nails dragging along the outline of his ears, her exploration led her down the sides of his neck.

            “Feels good,” he whispered, eyes now closed as he focused on the pleasant sensation clouding his brain. Letting out a soft chuckle as Kate’s fingers slid across the base of his neck, Tyler’s chuckle became a bit more sporadic as her nails slid into his armpits. Now grinning wide, Tyler’s shoulders bounced as the sound of his laugh stayed in his throat, the dam not cracked fully.

            “I knew it,” Kate beamed victoriously, her nails skittering across the soft skin quicker.

            “Never said I wasn’t,” Tyler drawled, doing a good job to not lose his composure. “The rest of them don’t think I am.”

            “Have they never tried?” Kate paused; head tilted like a confused puppy. She had seen the others poking each other and giving each other little cheer-up tickles every other day it seemed, so why wouldn’t they do it with Tyler?

            “I can hide really well,” Tyler shrugged, which Kate knew was a fact. With how little he had reacted during her experiment, it was clear that Tyler was likely only reacting at all because it was Kate that was tickling him. “There’s only one spot I think I’m truly ticklish.”

            “And where is that?” interest piqued; Kate reached down to stroke Tyler’s cheek.

            “Had a friend squeeze my knee back in college. Tickled like hell if I remember right,” he replied, running his fingers through her hair. Letting out a soft laugh when Kate’s eyes lit up, Tyler said, “Go ahead and try.”

            Like a child waking up on Christmas morning, Kate was excited as she scooched back enough that she slipped down his legs and was now seated on his shins. Giving him a reconfirming glance, Kate wrapped her hands around the spot just above his knees and squeezed. Jolting, Tyler let out a bark of a laugh, startling them both. Determined to get as much data as she could, Kate continued to squeeze the area, then place her palms on his kneecaps while using her fingers to gently dig into the skin surrounding the patella.

            “Shit!” Tyler’s laugh was deep and came straight from his belly. Nose scrunched; Tyler’s smile framed his face as he let the laughter consume him. Slipping her fingers behind his knees, Tyler’s laugh became a bit higher pitched and wheezy as he hugged himself.

            “I wonder,” Kate pondered aloud, and while she continued to scribble into the back of his left knee, she reached forward with her right hand and skimmed her fingers over his abdomen.

            “Kate!” Tyler squeaked out before slipping into silent laughter, her stubby nails tracing along his lower belly and around his navel. Intrigued by this discovery, Kate let go of his knee and crawled forward. Once she found an opening, Kate’s fingers wormed their way into his armpits once again and provoked a whole different reaction than the low chuckles he let out earlier.

            “You’re wrangling this tornado, that’s for sure,” Tyler managed to joke between peals of wheezy laughter.

            “Interesting,” Kate stated in a scholarly tone as Tyler cackled, pressing his arms into himself in attempts to still Kate’s fingers. “You’re like a tornado! You need conditions to be met to be ticklish, just like how a tornado can only spawn if the pressure and temperature conditions are correct!

            “I am!” Kate exclaimed, her enthusiasm contagious as Tyler laughed a bit harder. “If only it was this easy to wrangle a tornado.”

            “If only,” Tyler panted the moment Kate withdrew her hands and began to run her palms over his torso as if she was smoothing out wrinkles on a shirt.

            “I am definitely going to start tickling you more,” Kate giggled, wiggling a bit like an excited dog. Tyler let out a huff before squeezing her hips, forcing her to let out a squeal.

            “If you tickle me when we’re near a tornado, I will crash into it and we’ll both die,” Tyler teased as he continued to tase her sides.

            “I would never do that,” Kate giggled hysterically, grabbing at his hands to push them away. “Though if you don’t stop being mean, I will definitely tell the crew about your little secret.”

            “Then I’d tell everyone about your little secret,” Tyler warned, both hands kneading into her tummy.

            “Deal,” Kate managed to grab one of Tyler’s hands and shake it as if they had just finished a successful business meeting. As Tyler pulled his hands away, Kate flopped down beside him and resumed her previous position before her experimentation took place, cuddling into his side. Inhaling deeply, Kate became enraptured by Tyler’s natural smell and snuggled closer, resting her head on his chest, an arm draped over his belly. Closing her eyes, Kate did not fight back against the urge to fall asleep, completely comfortable in the arms of her love.

[sizzlingcloudmentality]

✨show your blorbos✨

make a post showcasing all of your blorbos and then tag some friends to do the same!!

thank you for the tag @holacia3 💕

Dave York | We all know it, he's my number 1 fictional guy and acts as an representative for basically all other ppu characters. He's a good husband, a girl dad, looks amazing in suits and in tac gear, knows how to use guns and knives... He's the jackpot.

David Loki - Prisoners | a representative for basically all Jake Gyllenhaal characters. But he's the one that blorbos me the longest time. He's miserable and broad and mysterious and I can fix him. Or at least pack him his lunch.

Joel Miller | this pixel man in particular. Just... ugh. How could you not love him?

Benny Miller | bestest boy. bestest manhandler. bestest making you giggle while doing the nasty. bestest puppy dog eyes maker.

Frank Castle | another dad figure with a traumatic past. i need him injected into my veins actually

Clayton Cote - beneath the harvest sky | basically another representative for all Aidan Gillen characters. Clayton is checking all the bad boy boxes for me, plus he has trust issues? Hello? I can fix him.

npt: @guiltyasdave @davidayer @toomanystoriessolittletime @baronessvonglitter @itwasntimethatdidit40

@slutforpetyr @charliehoennam @thundermartini @iamasaddie @punkshort

[bumble66]

The similarities between closeted right-wingers and Chris Evans

Alternative title: "Dear Mr. future president Evans,"

Recently, I saw how Chris Evans met Joe Biden. For people who don't know. Chris Evans has a political online platform called ASP. This was not the first time he met a famous politican but meeting the president of the United States is something else. It should be clear by now why he does that... Anyway, it reminded me of the gossip I found recently:

As I mentioned in my last big blog post, about Chris' potential boyfriends, I am not really a fan of marvel and didn't know much about him during his time as Captain America. I only got interested after he started the cringeworthy PR relationship in November 2022. In 2018, I was made aware of how many closeted celebrities exist and Mr. Evans being so clumsy with his Portugal bride gave me the perfect opportunity to uncover this Hollywood facade.

As you can see, I have also been asked by a lot of people why I think Chris could be closeted (either gay, bi or a straight guy who doesn't want to commit and just sleeps around). I will answer these questions in relation to today's topics: I. The Portugal PR relationship is mostly done for his future political career (or that was the plan before the backlash) II. The behavior of closeted right-wingers resembles Chris Evans' III. Portugal Bride was not the first PR relationship rumor but why does a rich, attractive and alleged womanizer like Chris need PR relationships all the time? As I always say. Everything on my tumblr is alleged. I merely summarize what people speculate online and give my own opinion on that.

Tim Scott, a failed GOP 2024 candidate and alleged closeted gay man, announced on X that he got engaged to a woman:

As you can see from the screenshot, no one's buying it. It is rumored Tim Scott is doing this because he will be chosen as Trump's vice president. People online claim that Tim Scott being gay has been talked about way before the first "Why doesn't have Tim Scott have a girlfriend" articles:

I heard about Tim Scott being gay and being pressured to have a PR girlfriend around the same time Chris pretended to have gotten married in September and that made me think... I can't find the comment anymore but I remember someone of Chris' fans on the LSA forum suggesting that Chris' "A starting point" political platform isn't just for shits and giggles. Apparently, he wants to go into politics after his acting career. No idea how successful he will be now with that after his latest movie flops and the Portugal relationship having led to lost followers on his social media accounts because it made him appear as a "dollar store Leonardo DiCaprio" but in general..., this idea isn't too far off. Remember the Terminator aka Arnold Schwarzenegger? An action hero became the Governor of California and with Chris Evan's fake Captain America image, pretending online and in interviews to be like Steve Rogers, he could sway a lot of people too!

Remember. The alleged marriage wasn't the first PR relationship of Chris Evans. At least according to his fandom, when they explained how he and Portugal Bride met, he was involved in several other PR relationships before:

According to this person, the relationships with Christina Ricci and Minka Kelly from long ago, were planned by a PR team too and it adds up with a blog post I found years ago about how Minka is allegedly a beard for my back then favorite actor Jake Gyllenhaal. Bearding appears to be a career of its own in Hollywood: https://gaywriter.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/blind-item-jake-gyllenhaal-is-looking-for-a-new-female-beard-to-present-illusion-of-heterosexuality-to-fans/

So his PR team not only allegedly had several options next to the Portugal Bride (like Monica Barbaro) but they were apparently also responsible for his faked relationship with Lily James? It is rumored that Lily wanted more from this PR arrangement from back in 2020. Possibly real love? The social media site Icons+ reports that "Lily James left Chris Evans to be a millionaire's "other woman"". She basically publicly "cheated" on Chris and many gossip sites reported on it. Did Lily do that as revenge because Chris solely wanted PR and rejected her? Kinda like "if you don't give me real love, I ain't giving you positive PR either". It makes me wonder though. Why would a heterosexual man privately reject a pretty woman like Lily James after wanting to be seen with her in paparazzi photographs after all? Odd.

Yes, Chris' alleged personal Paparazzo with the name Jesal basically admitted that he was called to do the pictures with Lily back in 2020 (Nowadays, he seems to be busy with the Portugal PR relationship as you can see from the screenshot, where he was called for a christmas party Portugal Bride and Chris attended). This reminds me of of another failed 2024 GOP candidate who is rumored to be closeted. There is a medium article regarding Ron DeSantis called "Is the GOP gossiping that Ron DeSantis is gay?", how most if not all of the GOP party know about his alleged homosexualty:

As you can see, not just his own party but the general public thinks so too. In fact, they speak about Ron DeSantis' being closeted the same way some people speak about Chris being allegedly closeted:

The replies to this dailymail article about Chris' and Portugal Bride's relationship-reveal, demonstrate that people think that both Chris and Ron overplay the alpha male macho tough guy image, solely to cover their true sexual orientation.

But PR relationships can also have another function. As I pointed out on my blog before: There are many heterosexual men I know who just wanted to sleep around but because of societal pressure, they pretend to be monogamous. The latest political example of that seems to be Gavin Newsom who has been in the news for being an alleged serial cheater. He was already caught cheating back in 2007. On X I found this summary of his latest shenanigans: (TRIGGER WARNING: mention of SA)

Why do I mention Ron DeSantis and Gavin Newsom in relation to Chris Evans? Because they all have one thing in common. A fake stable married man image. Look at the header picture of DeSantis and Newsom on X. Newsom holding his son in his harm. A few weeks ago, DeSantis had a header picture of holding his children's hands and the latest picture, you can see right now, also shows his wife and kids again to portray the family man image while allegedly being someone completely different (a closet case = Ron, a cheater= Gavin). Sorry not sorry but when I saw those header images combined with the rumors I knew about those two guys, I immediately though that Chris is not so different. He also calls the paparazzi, so he can be portrayed for the public as a guy who has a stable relationship and doesn't randomly sleep around in all kids of places.

As someone pointed out on the Lipstick Alley thread called "Chris Evans Relationship Theories 5", he used to go to parties similar to the ones seen in the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" but these rumors were allegedly scrapped by his team when he became Captain America. Why did they worry so much about this specific gossip? Was it true after all? Apparently this goes back as far as 2006:

I have no problems with that because I am pro sexual liberation. I actually point this out so we can normalize this and let people be who they really are, so that they don't have to do these fake relationships anymore.

I mean, remember the screenshot from my "Chris Evans possible boyfriends" post? The user ShellyT20... how she described that a lot of PR relationships in Hollywood exist because the male actors either sleep with each other, have p-word scandals and/or are serial cheaters "but post fake romance stuff on IG and other public platforms. It gives a fake sense of normalcy and stability and shuts fans up for the most part as well as acting as a distraction." When I read this I got reminded of the public "beyond the blinds podcast" episode you can listen to on spotify. The one about the Hemsworth brothers. There it was alleged that Chris Hemsworth is constantly cheating. I wasn't surprised. He isn't my type but I can't deny that he is what most consider super attractive + tall + rich = in no way is this guy monogamous as a famous hollywood actor (LMAO the audactiy to even thinkt hat)... Sadly, when I confront some people with that... for instance Evans fans on LSA or X, most roll their eyes and don't believe that.... They were like: "How can a guy like C. Hemsworth, who posts social media posts about loving being a father and being married for over a decade possibly be such a bad guy"... ... ... ... ... Well and this the reason why Hollywood still fools you with PR relationships because most of you are gullible. You want to see men married with children and as long as the women are age appropriate, you eat it up. And all this goes even beyond these Hollywood celebrities and politicians the general public is aware of. Apparently, even e-celebs are in PR relationships/fake image relationships these days. The youtuber TheQuartering, who said he was partying with right-wing e-celebs said this about them last year: (TRIGGER WARNING: transphobic slur)

Just like how Chris Evan's fans are disappointed that he wasn't the internet boyfriend after all (his fake image for the 2010s) and started to date random young women like Leonardo DiCaprio and Bradley Cooper, TheQuartering was disappointed too with his right-wing colleagues, who pretended to be committed husbands with children while actually being a closeted pride parade. The right-wing commentarors TheQuartering talks about are: Elijah Schaffer, Jack Posobiec and Mike Cernovich. When I found that out I was shocked. I was like "So even these e-celebs are basically "their own Hollywood club" and need PR relationships to function publicly". It really shows how deep gender roles are still ingrained in our society. That even internet-famous people have to have a family man image and portray themselves in a certain way to become "e-celeb-A-list". And if they don't, they will be denied that status.

I know it hurts that your favorite A-list stars are also wife cheaters and that their activism is most likely fake only so that they can continue participating in Hollywood orgies (Which apparently already happen on the e-celeb level). But at one point it had to come out and isn't it better to accept reality than to participate in and support these fake scenarios only to feel better about the world? Cause it is not just TheQuartering who exposed the fake image of the right-wing online community. Blaire White, a right-winger herself, pointed out the same. As people say, where there is smoke, there is fire:

In this video at 55:35 regarding Blaze Media, Blaire White spills tea about closeted e-celebs. It also includes orgies and drugs... like with our favorite super hero (allegedly).

(Blaire is not the only one who knows about the orgy parties)

Lastly, one of the most famous right-wing e-celebs is Steven Crowder. On his channel he had a video where he once admitted that he had a bisexual phase... a phase..

And according to his own logic that means:

He also went so far and basically created beard twins. I remember clearly the video where he announced the pregnancy of his wife. He held up a picture into the camera from an ultrasound. It was like "See, I am hetero after all. Are you happy now?". That's at least my opinion on how the video looked like and it adds up with what peole usually say about him:

Honestly, if someone had told me that this text is about Chris Evans, I'd have believed it and so now we have come full circle. While I only know about Chris Evan's since the pandemic (As I said, I don't watch super hero movies), I am still disappointed. In some interviews, he appeared so adorable, awkward and different from other men in Hollywood (like when he was interviewed about his "Lightyear movie announcement" tweet on Jimmy Kimmel). But in the end he is no better than the closeted republicans. Portraying a conservative image of marriage while behind closed doors it is worse than a sitcom trying to convince you that canned laughter makes everything funnier.

(picture: Is this the awkwardness people talk about? Adorable...)

Yes, there have always been rumors that his real personality is being "weird and awkward" and that he is not just acting in movies but also in most interviews. It goes so far that someone claimed he had been rejected on a date and that's why some people assume it is actually him who initiated the Portugal PR relationship and basically paid for it because he can't get someone himself through normal means. Are some people punished with their good looks?

IMO just like with the married right-wing e-celebs who do orgies all the time, it is also a bad idea of Chris wanting to become a father (at least according to his "sexiest man alive" PR narrative from 2022 which seems to be in the trash can now too).

But let's assume his PR team has that still on their minds: Not only would it be solely for his image (which would make this situation PR either way, even if the marriage were real) but according to all his alleged wild ways, he is also unfit to parent, it would be a disaster actually. Controversial commentator Pearl Davis described it very well. How some people just shouldn't be parents:

I agree with Vale. She would just be in it for the image of being a married woman and in our case... a married, monogamous, non-cheating family man. A user on LSA said that when you switch out "fake nails" with "fake teeth" in Pearl Davis' message, you will have the pefect description of Chris Evans:

(Chris Evans being interviewed at the Lightyear premiere resembling Barry Manilow with too much botox) Sorry but after seeing this picture, I have to agree with her. I love his clothing style but a bi-peacock who is more interested in vanity and fake status will never be a good role model for children. As the saying goes: "You can't have it both ways"

I know this is all a tough pill to swallow but c'mon people. This is the year 2024 and at one point this fakeness just needs to stop. Celebrities, politicians and even social meda e-celebs... you are being fooled. And according to Hollywood insider and daughter of famous TV personality John Walsh, a lot of times, one partner of the arrangement is suffering. Is this really what you support? I don't and that's why I uncover all these PR relationships of the entertainment world because as a true progressive, I don't think that people should be judged based on outdated gender expectations like marriage and monogamy.

The closet kills... your real personality. I mean honestly, what do you gain from being remembered after your death as someone you never were? As Joan Rivers jokes at 0:43 in a short clip from 1966. This so called bearding has been going on forever. I don't think we need a 100th anniversary of this shameful practice. So please help me to expose this so that in the future, celebrities can become famous for truly being themselves.

[jessconsumesmedia]

First off I’m so normal. Do you believe me? You shouldn’t.

Anyway, I was walking to my adult college classes listening to this song

And I’m just vibing because it is an unironic banger. But it gets to the part where Issac says something about Jake Gyllenhaal playing him in a biopic.

Now I have listened to this song too many times probably so it just hit me like a bus that Issac knows who that is. (Assuming this is canon lol)

So of course that brings up the question. Has Issac seen Brokeback Mountain and does that mean the other ghosts have too? Do you think that they cried at that movie like I did or do you think that half of them noped out immediately?

Like now I need some sort of art that shows everyone watching Brokeback Mountain sobbing or confused or in pure shock or enamored or whatever else they could think about the movie.

Of course the next best step was to make this picture and giggle relentlessly. I’m insane but I’m free.

[camisoledadparis]

STORY: Celebrity Sex Paradise: The Villa

Summary:

Celebrity Sex Paradise is when you get the hottest celebrities and put them on one villa, no rules and a lot of sex. let the testosterone run wild!!

__________________________________________________________

Chapter 1: Welcome to Celebrity Sex Paradise

Chapter Text

Welcome to CELEBRITY SEX PARADISE, a show where your favourite sexy celebs go stay under one roof at a villa in the sun and let the testosterone take over!

The back yard of the villa is huge and has a massive swimming pool with sunbeds surrounding it, there’s also a hot tub to one side of the yard and a bunch of dumbbells and other workout equipment on the other side. Just wait and see how this place will be used by our hot and horny lineup of celebrities!

The first celebrity to enter the Celebrity Sex Paradise villa is none other than Hollywood’s very own web-slinger, Tom Holland. Tom walks in just wearing some light blue trunks that cut off about halfway up his thigh so they still show a good amount of his legs left to be admired. Tom’s chest and abs are glistening from the sun, his body is ripped and defined from all the training he did for No Way Home and Uncharted. He goes down to the pool and sits down at one of the loungers and grabs one of the cocktails that were readily prepared for the celebrities as they enter the villa. He takes a sip of the cocktail and thinks about who could be joining him in the villa, he knows from experience that Hollywood is gayer and hornier than it would like to admit so he could see any A-listers walking in through the door, Tom has hooked up with a lot of the big actors you wouldn’t expect to be in the gay hook up scene. One of them was Jake Gyllenhaal, they fucked constantly whenever they weren’t filming. They would fuck in the trailers, during the press tour and even on set when all the crew went home but always keeping the costumes on as it was one of their shared turn-ons.

Next to enter is a rising star actor, Nico Greetham. He’s gone from Power Rangers to Netflix movies and most recently American Horror Story and Love, Victor. Nico walks in only wearing some really short, black swim trunks that have pink drawstrings that dangle over the curvature of his bulge. The shorts also show off his thick and slightly hairy tanned thighs. As Nico walks down to meet the other celeb who’s already by the pool, he could see the short, brown and slightly curly hair and starts wondering who it could be. When he gets to the pool, he grabs a cocktail and audibly gasps when he realises who was sitting in front of him, “No fucking way!” Nico freaks out as Tom turns to see Nico “I knew this was a celebrity show but you are like a proper celebrity” Nico couldn’t handle it, internally and externally he’s losing his mind, looking up and down Tom’s famously hot body and practically drooling from what’s in front of him. Nico couldn’t wait for this experience now, being around Tom and his body 24/7 and potentially being fucked by Spiderman if all goes well.

Tom laughs gently and blushes a little at Nico’s reaction and stand up to greet Nico “Hey mate, I’m Tom” Tom smiles and goes in for a handshake “I know who you are, you don’t need to introduce yourself” Nico giggles “I don’t live under a rock” Nico jokes “I’m Nico and I’m an actor like you” “Haz has told me a lot about you from the holiday he had with you” Tom winked Nico laughed off his nervousness and goes in for a hug “Well I’m glad you’re here, this show’s going to be a lot of fun” Tom smirks and instead of hugging back he puts his hand behind Nico’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss, sparks flew as their lips touch. Nico pulls back in shock that he just got kissed by Tom “Woah” Nico says, still slightly starstruck “Sorry, I just thought we might as well get to the good bit” Tom whispers “Never apologise for that” Nico went back in for another kiss, this time it was deeper and more passionate. As they kiss, Tom moves his hand slowly up and down Nico’s back, feeling the muscles and smooth skin. Between the kiss, both of their bulges are growing from within their trunks and rubbing against eachother. Tom reluctantly pulled away from the kiss “We should probably let the others get through the door before we start fucking” Tom giggles Nico sighs as he breaks out of Tom’s trance “I guess”

Tom and Nico sit down as they hear footsteps approaching, it must be the next celeb to enter. Nico turns to Tom and asks “Who do you think it will be?” “Oooh I think Shawn Mendes will be here, we’ve all heard stories of his hookups at the gyms in Hollywood” Tom chuckles Nico nods “Yeah, I think he’ll be here”. Nico doesn’t think he’ll survive this show if both Tom AND Shawn are here with him. “Here he comes,” Nico says as they both watch him come from behind a palm tree. He has short, dirty blond hair and a slim-ish build. The guy is wearing a grey tank and denim shorts “Hey guys” He smiles “I’m Jace Norman, from that Henry Danger show” “No way, you look so different now!” Nico says in shock at how Jace has changed since he was on the Nickelodeon channel “Looking good, man,” Tom says as he squeezes Jace’s bicep “Thanks, guys, the pandemic gave me a chance to work out and learn a lot about myself if you know what I mean,” Jace says as he’s already sweating “I need to take this off” He pulls off his grey tank top over his head, revealing his hairier than expected body and a peek at his bushy pits. “We are going to have a lot of fun here, I can tell” Tom looks between Nico and Jace. “We already have” Nico winks to Tom The three of them sit down and start chatting. Nico looks to Jace and asks “Why did you choose to go on this show?” “Well, I feel like I’ve not been taken seriously as one of the hot people in Hollywood and get stuck in the shadow of being Henry” Jace admits “Hopefully being here will mean people see me as Jace, and it wouldn’t hurt to show them that I’m good during sex” he laughs at the last bit.

Entering now is Joshua Bassett. Singer and star in the new High School Musical series. He’s wearing blue shorts that have pineapples on them. His body is slim but not overly muscular. Joshua is nervous about what this show will be like but once he sees the welcoming faces of Tom, Nico and Jace he feels much more at ease. “Hiya,” Joshua says “I’m Josh” “We’ve heard of you” Nico laughs “Oh, well that makes my introduction easier” Josh giggles and hugs each of them one at a time and when he hugs Jace, he accidentally pokes him with his boner “Oh my god, this is so embarassing” Josh panics as his face turns bright red. Jace holds Joshua by his shoulders and looks in his eyes directly as he says, “Dude, this is a sex show it’s okay … it’s good to know what my body does to people” Jace smirks and takes hold of Joshua’s hard cock through his trunks and strokes it lightly “We’ll deal with this later” Jace winks.

The four of them sit facing eachother on the sunloungers, two on each. “What brought you here, Joshua?” Tom asks him sincerely “My manager wants me to get my confidence up and build connections with more celebrities like me so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to do so,” Josh said “and I thought it might be an opportunity to live out my fantasy and get fucked by Harry Styles” all four laugh. “I really hope he’s here,” Jace says and bites his lip.

The four of them are taken by surprise when the star of Emily In Paris, Lucien Laviscount walks around the corner and says loudly “Let’s get this cumfest started!” All of them laugh and get up to greet him. Lucien is wearing some beige short shorts that show off his ass and big bulge. Lucien’s body is very well defined and muscular, he has big biceps and pecks. Lucien is very confident as he enters the villa and instead of going in for handshakes or hugs, Lucien went in for kisses with all the guys. “They really went all out and got the hottest celebrities,” Lucien says “They did, this is going to be fun” Nico smirks and looks at Lucien’s big bulge.

The final celeb to enter is none other than Joshua’s co-star on High School Musical, Matt Cornett. Matt comes round the corner in his pink trunks and runs to Josh and gives him a hug “Oh my god … Joshua, I’m happy you’re here” “Me too!” Josh says excitedly and suddenly himself again “I didn’t think you would want to join me when I told you I was coming here” “Are you kidding? I wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to fuck you in the sun” Matt whispers the last bit in Joshua’s ear “Umm .. hello?” Lucien says “We’re here too” “Oh shit sorry,” Matt says before hugging and introducing himself to the others.

The cast of six celebrities sit by the pool and get to know eachother even more for a bit. Tom sees a golden envelope on the bar by where they got the cocktails from. Tom reads out the letter…

Dear Celebrities,

Welcum to the Celebrity Sex Paradise!!

The six of you are about to have the horniest time of your lives! In this beautiful villa in the sun, you can let nature and your horny instincts take over

On this show you can spend all day in the sun, making out, sucking off and having sex with the hottest celebrities around you!

There will be twists to cum but rest assured you won’t want to leave this paradise!

~~

~~

[oldbutchdanielcraig]

please show us more of your favorite responses to the rpf quiz

you guys are FIENDING. ok 🤭

gasped

want to note here that me and my bestie used to be obsessed with the relationship between zachary quinto and his model bf miles mcmillan. can’t explain it. i think they were dating during this??? or they started shortly after. anyway they broke up like 1 month after their AD home tour dropped and we were #crushed

i believe that they invented this ship 100% and i am happy for them

giggled. i’m not a swiftie but i used to dabble and i love the jake gyllenhaal scarf lore. also her harassing him for it back is so 😭 she left her scarf in his life and she’s coming back for it. damn it. but just the scarf to use in the music video not anything else

I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR DENTISTS 😭😭😭

also i just want to put in an honorable mention here for 1) everyone who’s written in the macbeth incident in the open response slot. means a lot to me and led to this exchange earlier

2) everyone who has written one of the responses in the final question but didn’t get that result. i’m literally so sorry. if i could change things i would. i wish i could give you that result personally. alas i am not infallible 💔

[bettyrightnow]

the clip of taylor talking about dylan o’brien’s character in atw10 came up on my fyp today where she’s like “he’s charismatic problematic and i’m still sorta rooting for him… he makes some charming points” and it made me giggle because that’s literally how i talk about jake gyllenhaal

[murphyismz]

giggling over the reaction to the whole ceo thing. i was thirsting over a younger twinkier jake gyllenhaal on instagram and my friend was like but consider… the new sexyman… and then sent the photo of the guy who killed the ceo 😭

[crowdvscritic]

round up // MAY 24

Who cares what the calendar says? Ryan Gosling has declared summer is officially here! 

Between longevity of the “Beavis and Butt-Head” Saturday Night Live sketch I shared last month, his extremely fun red carpet appearances, and the wonderfully fun The Fall Guy,  he’s been everywhere, and I have no complaints about it. 

But The Fall Guy and the other new releases in this Round Up aren’t the last summer movies to look forward to. I stopped by KMOV to preview some of the movies I’m most excited for this summer, including a star-studded rom-com set in the ‘60s, a legacy sequel action spectacular, a mystery starring a recent Best Actress nominee, and a prequel for a genre I rarely like. Let’s take on the summer as Ryan Gosling commands in The Fall Guy: “Jean-Claude, attaqué!” 

May Crowd-Pleasers

1. The Fall Guy (2024)

Most movies go to great pains to hide their seams, but not The Fall Guy. And who needs to when a behind-the-seams look can be so fun? Summer 2024 is starting off with a bang because it’s a blast both as an action-adventure and as a romantic comedy, making it one of the easiest movies to recommend to just about anyone. Read my full review for ZekeFilm or watch out my review for KMOV. Crowd: 10/10 // Critic: 8/10

2. John Mulaney Presents: Everybody's in LA (2024)

It’s not hyperbole to say I adored this weird and wonderful talk show experiment. Experts on palm trees and coyotes did most of the talking, Bill Hader and Pete Davidson couldn’t stop giggling, and John Mulaney kept asking about what kinds of cars people drive. Only a handful of clips have been added online from this live six-episode series…

"The Map of Los Angeles"

"Reverse Borat"

"Oh, Hello Manson Tour"

"Nepo Babies"

…but if Mulaney ever decides to resurrect his late night format of taking calls, discussing non-urgent topics, and creating sketch comedy with his friends and seismologists, I’d watch it every night.

3. IF (2024)

Not everything about the logic of IF hangs together, but one of the beauties of an original world is not being encumbered by mythology and continuity. IF is about dreaming big, and it’s for kids and families who want to be dazzled by a story imaginative in every sense of the word. Read my full review for ZekeFilm. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8/10

4. SNL Round Up

That’s a wrap on season 49! These sketches will be holding me over till the Saturday Night Live’s golden jubilee begins in the fall: 

“Teeny Tiny Statement Pin” (4618 with Dua Lipa)

“OBGYN” (4618)

“Hot Ones with Beyoncé 2” (4619 with Maya Rudolph)

“Weekend Update: A Woman Who Insists She's Not Mad” (4619)

“Monologue” (4620 with Jake Gyllenhaal)

“Dad Has a Cookie” (4620)

“Fast Fashion Ad” (4620)

“NYPD Press Conference” (4620)

And if you're still laughing at "Beavis and Butt-Head" from Ryan Gosling's episode last month, don't miss these behind-the-scenes articles about the viral fave:

“Heidi Gardner Couldn’t Prepare for What She Saw,” Vulture.com (2024)

“Ryan Gosling’s Viral Beavis and Butt-Head Skit Was 5 Years in the Making,” gizmodo.com (2024)

5. Zillow Gone Wild (2024-)

@ZillowGoneWild has been one of my best Instagram follows for years, so you know I’m all in on the HGTV series. Can you live inside a former missile silo? Did you know a real-life house inspired the dwarfs’ cottage in Snow White? How would you renovate a 17,000 square-foot church to make it a home? Host Jack McBrayer is stopping by the craziest Zillow listings (and more than once in my hometown of St. Louis), which you can imagine inspires hilarious commentary along the way.

MORE MAY CROWD-PLEASERS // Olivia Rodrigo’s bonus tracks on GUTS (spilled) (2024) are five more album-worthy pop-punk bangers and folksy bops // Even though I find puppets unsettling, the Prime rom-com Música (2024) is proof Camila Mendes has the “it” factor and writer/actor/director/musician Rudy Mancuso should direct a full-blown musical // Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024) is the least successful of the modern Apes franchise, but I’m still in on this dystopian adventure world // It’s a shame Rutherford Falls (2021-22) was cancelled just as it was finding its groove in Mike Schur’s canon with its big ideas like The Good Place, its small town cast of characters like Parks and Recreation, and its problematic lead like The Office // Angela Lansbury time travels to the Antebellum South in a mystery with thorny issues still relevant today in Murder, She Wrote: The Last Free Man (2001)

May Critic Picks

1. The Way We Were (1973)

After a longer-than-planned hiatus, SO IT’S A SHOW? has returned! We’re breaking our typical mold in our seventh and final season (much like the seventh season of Gilmore Girls—IYKYK), and after a quick catch up in ep. 137 (though not without plenty of discussion of what the Palladinos are working on right now and a new Gilmore children’s book), we dig into our newest pop culture reference. In ep. 138, we’re discussing the the ‘70s weepy The Way We Were, which features a Palladino-esque heroine, Robert Redford in a cable knit sweater, heartache, laugher, and Communism all in one neat package! We discuss the cultural changes in parenting since then, why the Gilmores reference this movie several times in the series, and yes, Robert Redford in that cable knit sweater. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

2. Persuasion by Jane Austen (1817)

Jane Austen—you ever heard of her? She’s pretty good! Though it always takes me a minute to get into the rhythm of her writing, her characters and plotting never disappoint. This romantic comedy focuses on lovers separated by society reuniting almost a decade later, and as always, their story is funny and swoon-worthy.

3. Audrey Hepburn in Paris by Meghan Friedlander (2024)

I have admired Audrey Hepburn as a performer, fashion icon, work-life balance enthusiast, and humanitarian since I was 15, and the creator of Rare Audrey Hepburn has captured the beauty of each of those roles in her first book. With a journalistic attention to detail, Meghan Friedlander reports on the sets, theaters, and fashion houses Hepburn graced during her frequent visits to France. This book is both a unique biography and a gorgeous coffee table book that fans of Hepburn, fashion, and film history won’t want to miss.

4. Thelma & Louise (1991)

Kyla and I also chatted about the crime classic Thelma & Louise on SO IT’S A SHOW?. What does this movie have to say about female friendships? What did we think of THAT ending? And is Rory totally a Thelma? We discuss that and more in ep. 139. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

5. Good Reads

Recently I’ve been reading and thinking about…

The movies…

“Ryan Gosling’s Best Co-stars Are His Jackets,” Vulture.com (2024)

"The Power of the Planet of the Apes,” NYTimes.com (2024)

“‘Mum Knew What Was Going On’: Brigitte Höss on Living at Auschwitz, in the Zone of Interest Family,” TheGuardian.com (2024)

Men and women…

"Trying to Decipher a Man’s Mind? Now There’s a Name for That,” WashingtonPost.com (2024)

“Why Your Big Sister Resents You,” NYTimes.com (2024)

“Executive Women Are Wearing Sequins to Work. ‘I Made the Decision to Be Seen,’ WSJ.com (2024) 

“The Menstrual Mood Disorder You’ve Never Heard About,” TIME.com (2024)

“Scientists Calculated the Energy Needed to Carry a Baby. Shocker: It’s a Lot,” NYTimes.com (2024)

“Australian State Appoints Official for ‘Men’s Behavior Change’ as Outcry Over Violence Against Women Grows,” CNN.com (2024)

America…

“How America Got Mean,” TheAtlantic.com (2023)

“Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out,” TheAtlantic.com (2024)

“A Map of Which States People Want to Stay In, Move To, or Leave,” AtlasObscura.com (2024)

“How to Be Less Busy and More Happy,” TheAtlantic.com (2024)

“America’s Best Decade, According to Data,” WashingtonPost.com (2024)

Asia…

“China’s Age of Malaise,” NewYorker.com (2023)

“How China Miscalculated Its Way to a Baby Bust,” WSJ.com (2024)

“China Is Pressing Women to Have More Babies. Many Are Saying No,” WSJ.com (2024) 

“Overworked South Koreans Unwind With Pet Rocks—‘Like Talking to Your Dog,’” WSJ.com (2024)

“The Land That Doesn’t Need Ozempic,” TIME.com (2024) 

The Internet…

“Our Entire Society Is Becoming Addicted to Sports Gambling,” NewRepublic.com (2024)

“Hold Your Clapbacks,” ChristianityToday.com (2024)

“Stop Filming Yourself at the Gym Already,” WSJ.com (2024)

“Is Uber Strangling the Restaurant Business?,” insights.som.yale.edu (2024) 

MORE MAY CRITIC PICKS // The Moulin Rouge! National Tour finds new ways to update my beloved musical // Like all Douglas Sirk films, Magnificent Obsession (1954) looks incredible // Sofia Coppola and Celine Song chatted on the A24 podcast, and they spoke to my soul // Amy (2015) is making everyone wonder why Back to Black was ever made (keep reading for more on that new biopic) // Born to Kill (1947) is an underrated film noir // Caroline Polachek’s album Desire, I Want To Turn Into You (2024) is scratching the Imogen Heap itch I’ve had for awhile now // The scandals Ryan Gosling and George Clooney are caught up in The Ides of March (2011) already feel quaint, but I’m still thinking about days later

Also in May…

Young Woman and the Sea is a little choppy, but it’s good pick for family movie night. Read my full review for ZekeFilm.

I watched my worst movie of the year so far, the Amy Winehouse biopic Back to Black. Read my full review for ZekeFilm or watch my review on KMOV.

Photo credits: Zillow Gone Wild, Persuasion, Audrey Hepburn, Good Reads. All others IMDb.com.

[powerfultenderness]

i love lulu fluff! it's so cute! always gets me giggling out loud and smiling like a goofball!

😆 ghost just carrying a fat cat reminded me of that jake gyllenhaal skit where he's just casually waving around ferrets! lmao and laswell laughing at him!

"Oh, you’re definitely getting pranked back for making him look stupid in front of his handler." - come at me, bro (should i say bruv instead?)

antics;

pairing: simon ‘ghost’ riley x f!reader

wordcount: 1.4k+

warnings: fluff, reader owns a cat, the cat has a name

note: happy holidays :3 (also on AO3)

summary: reader unknowingly pranks simon.

Your pet cat had been restless the whole day; pacing around the front door with his tail swishing about, meowing your way and then stared at the door to let you know he wanted to go outside, batting things away from your hands, before camping in front of the door to nap in front of it.

He’s back.

And by ‘he’ you mean the really tall burly man that lives at the other end of the hall that your cat loves. He is an indoor cat that gets to sniff the hallway and the lift on extremely rare occasions, so how he figures out the man is back home when he’s inside your flat you will never know.

He met him one time. One time. If it wasn’t for his obsession with the man you’d have forgotten about the whole thing. Your naughty pet had escaped and ran towards the open lift that day, and unluckily the doors were open, but luckily there was a man with quick reflexes right by the door that caught him in between his legs. He pinched the little bastard by the neck with his ankles and just stood there while you two looked at each other in surprise.

He recovered far quicker than you did. “You gonna get ‘em or what?” His tone is clipped, hands holding onto the elevator door so it doesn’t close on him.

It snapped you out of your stupor. “Sorry!” You walked towards him and kneeled as you tried to grab your chubby pet.

This incident stayed on his little kitty brain over and over or something because he never got over the man til this day. There would be weeks, even months of ‘normal’ behaviour until he behaves, well… like this.

Only this time you decided to indulge him to see what he would do. You cautiously watched his excited little pitter patter and raised tail a couple of steps behind, ready to haul him back home if it gets too overwhelming or if the man reacts negatively. He stood up on both his hind legs at his door and started meowing, ears perked up intently towards it. His eyes practically shining black orbs when he turned his head to look at you. He puts his paws back down on the ground and meows one last time towards the oncoming footsteps from the other side of the door.

He bolted around the man’s legs as soon as it opened, running straight into his flat. He had learnt from his previous mistake of going in between them.

“What the fuck.” He muttered under his breath as he turned his head back inside, before closing the door. You had worried he would do something drastic but he came back out a few seconds later, with your cat held by the chest as the rest of his body sits on his forearm. He seems to be content being slung around by a stranger. “Li’l cheeky bastard tried to get my salmon.”

“Oh no…” You placed both hands on your mouth, “I hope he didn't get any?”

“He allergic?” He asks, eyebrows knitting close together in what you hope to be concern. It was a little hard to discern his expression when he had his lower half of his face covered with a mask.

You shook your head as you stepped forwards, offering to take your cat back. “No, he’s not. Just didn’t want him to ruin your meal, that’s all.”

“He didn’t get any.” He bounced your fat cat on his arm like he weighs nothing. “What’s his name?”

“Meese.” You answered as seriously as you could, “Like the plural form of moose.” adding the explanation when he looks confused.

He nodded solemnly before swishing the arm with your cat on it around, “So where does Meese live?”

It took all your will power and strength to not giggle at his question, trying your best to look neutral as you pointed at the other end of the hallway.

He raised his arm so he could stare into Meese’s face, “How in bloody hell didja smell my salmon from way over there, boy?”

“I’m so sorry for the trouble.”

“Not at all.” He waved it off as if nothing that just happened was out of the ordinary, like a stranger’s cat purring up a storm on his forearm is a common occurrence, and his Salmon dinner wasn’t almost ruined by said cat.

“I should probably get back.” You took another step forwards, again offering to take him off his hands. “I can come back later after you finish dinner if you want to play with him?”

—

Harsh winds whipped at his fur collar, making it flap annoyingly against his helmet as he kept his sights on the building through his binoculars. The mission brought him and Laswell to Norway, with him lying prone out here on the twenty centimeter snow while Laswell is sitting on a chair in a heated fucking tent, probably has hot chocolate with her. With marshmallows.

His radio garbled to life, the sound half drowned by the blizzard. “Sitrep, Brav—.”

He cuts her off immediately. “Nothin’ yet. Cold as fuck, over.”

“Snippy are we?” He can hear the smile and playfulness in her tone.“Are you out of heat packs, Ghost?”

“Savin’ a couple.” He regrets not creating a snow wall and now the weather’s getting to him. Soap would’ve laughed at his stupidity if he was here with them.

The thought punched him in the gut, a shiver washed over him as the thought of his best friend loomed heavy over his psyche.

“See anything interesting, Ghost?”

What the actual fuck is Laswell on about.

He’s never been close with Laswell, as she’s usually paired up with Price and Gaz. On the past few missions she’s in his ear, he’s never been on the direct receiving end of her casual jabber and Ghost felt a little awkward joking around with someone as high rank as Laswell. He wishes he has Gaz’s easy personality and openness right now, that man even cut through his defences like a lightsaber on butter.

He adjusted his binoculars and zoomed out a little bit to get a better look around the compound to find something to humour his superior. There’s a wooded area on the right, and a frozen over body of water on the left, a derelict civilian jeep sitting all by its lonesome in the middle of said lake. It made him smile the first time he saw it, because it’s the kind of thing he would’ve started or participated in if he worked in this god-forsaken place.

A harmless betting pool. Guess what date—and maybe time—would the jeep sink into the water, and win a couple rations, or chocolate bars maybe. Perhaps cash if they trust each other enough. Whatever prick tied up inside the jeep would just be an added bonus. The perfect pastime that could initiate an investigation.

Just as he thought about people he would love to stuff in a sinking car, a movement at the far edge of the clearing caught his eye. There were two of them, a slow-moving large animal with a smaller version of it by its side.

“Didn’t know meese exist out here.” He spoke up.

“Can you repeat that, bravo?”

“Meese. Thought they were native to Canada or North America.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

The cold plummeted his patience for Laswell. He’s trying his damnedest to sound neutral. “Moose, the animal. Like elks but ugly. Saw two of ‘em.”

Laswell had seemingly ignored his observation, the two animals he spotted had long walked away when Laswell’s voice came through his ear piece again, “Ghost?”

“Copy.”

“The plural of moose is still moose. It’s not like one goose and a couple of geese. For them it’s one moose and two or more of them would still be moose.”

“What?”

“Don’t know how else to tell you, Bravo.” He heard the start of a garbled laughter before Laswell cuts herself off out of respect. She started a moment later, “Who told you it was meese?”

The cat. The girl with the cat messed with him.

“Nobody. Thought they work the same way.”

This time Laswell laughed in his ear, purposefully turning on the radio so he could hear it.

Oh, you’re definitely getting pranked back for making him look stupid in front of his handler.

[mychlapci]

i remember when i was a little yaoi loving fujoshi and i learnt that there is a movie about gay men out there called "brokeback mountain" so of course i had to watch it. giggling like the stupid idiot i am i turned on what i considered real life yaoi and i dont think there is a better way to enlighten a little girl than to show her jake gyllenhaal and heath ledger fucking with beans in the ass at the ripe age of 13. i honestly think the day i watched that movie is the day i became a real person. also transsexual.