#JUST USED TO IT IG UESS

[lateseptemberdawn]

Its recently dawned on me...like, i think i knew it beforehand always? as in i was subconsciously aware of it since it's literally been true ever since i was a kid with just like two exceptions but even with them 'not really'...that i've never had a constant best friend. like i don't think i've ever had THE one best friend...that doesn't mean i've had many but just that. that ive simply never had a best friend someone who is very exclusively mine and mine alone...when people say "my person"...yeah i don't think ive had that...like ever. not just in a friendship but in like any case. hm thats actually kinda sad welps.

[phoebehalliwell]

not me spamming but uhhhhhhhh writer asks 12, 25, 35, 57, 76

(i can hope this will somehow further inspire continuation of the warren witches after august but i also get it lmao)

12. Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them?

it depends! usually my ficlets (like the ones for AUgust) are not outlined just bc they're so short i kind of just fuck around until the narrative comes together, but for the longer pieces (like the warren witches or w&s) there are definitely some stronger outlines. for things like the warren witches which is done in an episodic fashion, i actually have a separate doc full of just monster of the week type plots that i'll pick and choose from as needed (one's i've already used include the sihuanaba one and the selkie one, ones to be included are:

the sigbin one actually had been crossed out if anyone remembers the old version of the warren witches that actually made it to print (posting, i guess lol) in vace and virtue (the working title was "the sigbin is sigbout) but the updated version of it has not come out yet. so those would be my little outlines for small plots, for bigger plots those outlines usually live in my brain (for example, we're doing a reintroduction of the demon academy in warren witches bc i think it's slay, but that's gonna be just longer in general) and then of course most longer plotlines come in the form of relationships (viola + kat is an example, as is kat + laurel which kind of snuck up on me lol, pj + her boyfriend obvi will have some obstacles given that he is not in on the secret, and then the mystery max from the sihuanaba episode will def be making an appearance in ale's/melinda's/also effie's too ig uess bc she's there lives again. but these are technically less outlining per se and more dotting. a lot of this centers around singular dots, little points/moments i want to include, and plots are built around them. the only thing that i kind of give more concrete outlining, usually in the form of a small, unproofread text doc, is people backstories, esp those not involved in the family. so viola, for example, has her entire life written in a doc so i can keep going back to it and keeping kind of her actions/character/motivations consistant.

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

i would say probably brainstorming sits at number one for me these guys live in my brain and run around just constantly i already have a decent amount of "endgame" relationships picked. (chris and bianca, obvi, that shouldn't be a spoiler bc it's obvious i love them so so much), melinda's endgame is also pencilled in in my mind, as is tamora's and probably kat's, henry's "endgame" has also been picked even if they don't End Up together his main relationship is def sketched out in my mind. beyond ships i just love putting those motherfuckers in Situations. i want a bianca training chris type situation. i want a melinda attempting to date in college while being an empath situation. jumping over to warren and sheridan, i have their christmas planned out, as well as a narrative that spans from valentine's day to st. patricks day that is mainly poking at the bruises that define major relationship issues. i love situations!!

i would say my next fav after brainstorming would be not just writing but creating -- esp in regards to aesthetics. it helps me kind of hone in on a vibe for each character and allows me not only to understand them more but also to communicate said vibes to others. third favorite is getting comments/asks about them haha i loveeeee talking about them (which kind of circles back to the brainstorming part) but like the fact that these are guys who live in my brain but then they also get to exist in your brain!?!?!?? that's crazy!!! it makes me so happy <3

35. What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted?

probably a toss up between The Warren Witches and Warren & Sheridan, just because those are kind of two really big labors of love that I'm really proud of, but I am also really super fond of 2/14/2001 lol

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

i try to stay conscious of it lol bc there's nothing more fun that seeing all the pieces come together and i really want to work to create that. usually this ties into the "outlining" concept, where, if i have a big moment i want to create, i'm going to try to sprinkle in little pieces here and there leading up to it. (so, like, spoilers for warren witches, but with viola as the twice blessed, when kat is able to locate the twice blessed with chris and wyatt via scrying, it actually is pointing at the cafe were viola works). i don't do too much symbolism lol (skill issue) but i feel like that is something i'd like to try to hone.

76. How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

i mean like i definitely try to work within my "tides of creativity" (concept that writing/creating/all that is akin to breathing, you can't just keep exhaling. there are going to be periods where you can't create, and that's cause you need to "inhale": go out and experience new stuff, engage in new media, chat w new people). that and then i am like an adult in my 20s with like a job and responsibilities (i am moving again 😃🔫) so trying to work with the allotted amount of spoons i have a day can be a doozy as well. when i'm stuck i usually try to work with aesthetics/visuals because that can be a different muscle if the writing one is burnt out, and then i also try to write little blurbs that don't exist within anything really. a lot of these tend to just be conversations as i tend to be a very dialogue heavy writer, sometimes if i'm up to it i'll even go back through and add in descriptions to make it more of a proper story. past midnight (an ode to smoking outside the club) was actually written as one of these, i wrote it in early may during a creative block.

[jackienautism]

What do you think about the werewolf blood lore in the Quarry. I think it’s stupid imo

like. i assume you mean how werewolves won't kill / eat someone just because they're infected / have werewolf blood? if that's not what you mean then that's my bad, please lmk what you do though!

but honestly i havent really thought abt that part of the lore? mainyl bc it really isn't that... important. and you don't even GET to see it in some maybe even most playthroughs. but i guess that just answers it for me, it's definitely a neat little detail if you end up getting / seeing it in game, but overall i don't think it was necessary? in the grand scheme of things, it's just, i dont know, it's just there. it's neat if it happens unexpectedly, but i suppose for what it is, it's not huge or important

that and like, before i say more, does abi get infected by kaylee in chapter 3? bc then it'd make sense why nick still attacks her in ch 6 even if shes bitten previously. due to kaylee being shot by silver before that scene takes place. but if it's not kaylee... then how come nick is able to kill her? wouldn't he smell(?) her werewolf blood and leave?

i guess that's another one of my criticisms for it, it's just... it's rather inconsistent? bc why would it only be put into effect when the infected person is JUST about to turn? since they're gonna have werewolf blood regardless of when they turn right? bc based on when this sort of thing happens in game, werewolves only back off when the person (dylan, kaitlyn etc) visibly looks infected. but like ??????? why? does it take a certain amount of time for the Werewolf to enter the blood stream? is that why and when people turn? is it just when the werewolf bite finally makes itself into the rest of the body? since it'd make sense due to there not being an exact science to how long it takes someone to turn... but if that's the case, why wasn't that explained more? does that even make sense biology wise?

LIKE OK. since we know that werewolves use their sense of smell in order to tell whether someone is one of them or not (think, infected kaitlyn and turned caleb in ch 10), so wouldn't they tell even if the person has been infected for just a little while? bc i can't imagine their smell being bad at all, due to being similar to dogs / wolves and all. but ????????? i guess they're only able to tell when the infected blood has spread itself throughout most of the body who the fuck knows. bc the same thing happens w/ rust and snake bites right? both take a bit to spread throughout the body... soooo is it assumed the same shit happens w/ werewolves and their bites? but how come they can't tell after initially being infected? is their sense of smell isn't as great as i think it is?

bc like. ryan can be killed by chris in ch 9 despite being infected by laura, and emma can be bit by that werewolf (silas? idr) in ch 6 despite being potentially infected by max previously. but i suppose they don't necessarily smell them beforehand? but wouldn't they be able to regardless of the time that has passed????? bc it's still gonna be in your blood / body regardless right?

AND OH I THINK I FOINALLY REALIZED WHAT YOU MEAN. LIKE. BEING ABLE TO JUST PUT WEREWOLF BLOOD ON YOUR FACE TO AVOID BEING KILLED YEAH? yeah i guess that's sort of stupid jndgjkfg i once again don't really have much to say bc i haven't rly thought abt it much. but once again again, it's sort of similar to what i said previously abt the other part of the blood lore, it's cool ig uess, but it isn't necessarily striking to me. it IS neat however thinking this character is gonna die bc you fucked up but they actually DONT..... in that case i like it, bc it's like. you assunme getting someone infected is a bad thing yeah? and i suppose overall it is, but in little cases, such as kaitlyn and dylan's, it ends up saving you! so that's fun

it def is more stupid that it plays the same effect as werewolf blood physically in someone's system though. but i suppose the smell would be stronger if it's just In The Open and On someone's face? i dont know man fdnfkgdf im so sorry i went all over the place here. you got me reeaaally interested in how it all works

[lakesbian]

#i mean i think the shadowstalker incident does fit the original meme albeit he doesn’t ask for permission#and then alec ‘grew up in a sex cult’ vasil becomes the voice of reason compared to taylor motherfucking girlkissing hebert#i’m replying to you and not brain so i can be properly peer reviewed if you see fit

the thing is that "i'd kill for you please ask me to kill for you" / "no" is being used to indicate character 1, like, is really deeply caring about and dedicated to character 2 and expressing that in an insanely over the top way while character 2 is like [firmly, sighing] No. whereas alec doesn't even care about taylor all that much they are literally just like. coworkers/(in his head but not in taylor's) work buddies. And the thing is that he just has enough wrong with him to casually torture someone for a work buddy. but beyond that, "i am doing this to help taylor :)" is only a fraction of the reason why he did it--it was just the part he was consciously aware of. i've discussed before how much anger alec is liable to have towards heroes (cops)--from his PoV, they're people who get to happily participate in and be cared about by society despite having done nothing about his dad Ever + being de facto hostile towards him for circumstances he really can't control, and sophia is a cop. so there's likely a lot of jealous anger there. then there's the jealous anger we know he eventually realized he was experiencing over sophia having (from his PoV) a good family that cares about her. and Then there's the fact that she abused taylor, and he's thinking about his dad much of the time he's torturing her. he is doing a ridiculous amount of projecting/getting pissy about Unresolved Emotional Issues he's associating w/ sophia, and his idea that he's doing taylor a favor is rlly just the top layer he's actually capable of being aware of, not by any means the definitive part of the act.

also, taylor doesn't know about any of that shit. as far as she's concerned there's no "no." just him going "if i were u i woulda put lice on those guys....we could fuck w them for u if u want idk why u dont do anything" "I am not going to do anything dont fuck with it" "ok ig uess" and then it moves on

this but where the edgy dark character is the one saying no to murder and the pure innocent cupcake is the feral one

[craby-bouquet]

For some reason, whenever I read a book in English, I am so proud of myself and so surprised that I understand what I’m reading, flawlessly?  I always expect to not understand anything of it for some reason. As if I don’t read (and write!) English every single day??��

[rinnysmuses]

“I can’t believe you. You dumbass...”

Walking over to her brother on the floor of his apartment, Cheri got on her knees and attempted to lift him up. And attempted again. And attempted again. 

“You just HAD to get all muscley and shit, didn’t you?! Ugh. I can’t even lift you or drag you.”

She fell on her butt. 

“I need help.”

[khevinday]

i’m still kinda of numb about jjong’s passing, i don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet that this is... real, but i don’t know. i just don’t think i can not talk about it, you know? because shinee are my childhood heroes. i found them back in the summer of 2010. i had just turned fourteen, i think. they were just about to have their lucifer comeback and i had just gotten back from a vacation where the whole time i’d listened to ring ding dong and jojo on repeat and when i tell you guys that finding them was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me... i don’t know how to express it enough. at a time when i was an outcast in school and didn’t have many friends, when i was the weird girl and when i was dealing with a deep self hate and the beginnings of a depression that i still struggle with today, when i was young and impressionable, i found shinee. and they were like a beacon of hope for me. they were so bright and bold and different, i was fascinated. they were so funny and so unapologetically themselves and i loved them soo much. they were my entire world, they were my heroes. there was no sadness in me when i was watching them, laughing with them. when i would play their music in the car and my parents would say that they didn’t sound half bad. when i made that one christmas list with nothing but shinee merch on it and when i would watch their concerts and cry because i couldn’t contain all the things that they made me feel, there was no sadness. in high school, every single person that knew me could tell you one thing: she’s really fucking obsessed with that kpop band shinee. and they were right, because i learned to love myself a little bit more because of them, because i leaned on them when times were hard and they got me through so much. there aren’t any words to describe what they mean to me and i will always always hold them very dear to my heart. which is why none of this feels real right now. you never ever expect to lose your hero, the person you looked up to and who guided you and helped you grow into who you are today. jonghyun was one of those people for me. he made me so indescribably happy at a time where i needed it the most, at the time where a positive influence was the most important. and i can’t thank him, jinki, kibum, taemin, and minho enough for that. in the end i just hate knowing that he was feeling the same feelings that he helped me through, but i couldn’t help him through. he deserved better, and i pray for nothing more than for his soul to be at peace now. 

[lancerchj]

okays so ive learned severeak things ajout my self and ealso ssc in th past few hours. i will list them;

one: Im a cloen. of three peiple (i knew about the three people part) who are all missing persons cases (what the heack?? i knew they dipped but what??)

two: IVE BEEN A MISISNG PERSONS CASE TOO????

3) ssc want my blood and other syuff for databases. and also they really badly want me to donate blood onyl to them bc its pateneted???? how the hell so yoy patent blood???

four) i was a fat baby

5: im fonna havee to donate like. genertic material or somethign and its gonna be matched with a perfect genertic partner??? hellos???? i should not be a parent!!!! (i told them this and rhey said that its ok btu still. sceury...)

six ; i dont have to use my lefionspace port to pilot a ssc mach therefor aboiding a big bit of traumar for meee YAY!!!!

7( type O negativd. im rare d(o_0)

eight: apprently im not genetically male or female and that it wasnt designed or anythigg it just kinda happened like that???? i didnt think anyhting was wrong...? (its nto an issue of anythign its just. im just like that, ig uess)

ohhh theyr emakjing me get my mediucal chart upsated this weekend!!!

i dont like the doctir...

[i-amtransexual]

fuckikgnpromousn update ig uess i just use he/him noe..if peopel use xey occasionally cool but i dont really care. just wanna get he'd by a bitch 4 once

[fatherlyfrog]

uhhh writing below ig uess --b

-

"Yang? Yang, is something wrong?"

They were walking out of the main living area, headed back towards their room. But it hadn't felt usual, it hadn't felt right while they were there. Nothing had been interrupted or had gone wrong because of the force of 'evil' attached to Yin. Not once, not even a little tug in their arms. It was so... out of character for him.

And there was no response to Yin's question, making him just think that maybe Yang wasn't listening. Oh well, he could ask when they got back to their room.

-

Yin set their body on the bed, the slight fatigue from the day starting to really set in. Maaaybe they shouldn't have been out there for so long, but... What were they supposed to do? Not talk to the others at least a little? Or... Manage to for... A few hours...? It was longer than they usually got to since Yang wasn't- Right! Yang!

"Hey, are you still there?" Yin poked at Yang's side a few times, feeling an involuntary clench in their finger after a moment or two. They just barely stopped themself from flinching at the sudden difference. Well, that was good news! Yang was still there! Not talking, but it was reassuring to know that they were still with Yin.

"Alright, good to know!" Yin smiled. It was sort of strange to have full control over the mouth. Oh- Nope, not as much. Yang's half of it went into a firm shut line, they clearly didn't want anything to do with making sound whatsoever. Not talkative today, no problem, Yin could do all the talking. Fine by him! Although, he didn't want to get very used to the freedom, it wasn't something he would have for long once he got Yang back in working order again.

"So, I'm not going to ask you any questions since I know you don't seem to want to," Yin reached over, prodding at Yang's side of their mouth before drawing the arm back. They didn't want it to be locked up. "So, I'm just going to guess and hope I'm correct. Okay? Because, if you don't cooperate, I won't know why you, ahh... I don't know how to phrase this. Vanished, I guess?" He sounded unsure, he knew he did. "My guess is, you aren't feeling well."

They weren't cut off, nothing of the sort that they would usually expect. Just a light pause, and a thumbs-up. It was interesting to see Yang not fight back. It wasn't the first time he'd seen it happen, but it still shocked him a bit when it did. "Alright, alright," He saw the fingers of Yang's hand unfurl. "So, do you feel sick?" A thumbs-down and a slight tug at the corners of their mouth. Clearly the wrong answer.

"Angry? Wait, n-" A thumbs-down. "No, yeah, I guessed, my bad!"

"Sad?" A... Slight wobble in Yang's hand. "...Sorta?"

"Hmm, drained, maybe?" A moment without a response, and an awfully, nervous? Thumbs-up. "Ah..."

Yang seemed to fidget a little nervously with the one hand they seemed to want claim over as Yin thought. "I get drained too sometimes, I get it." Yin spoke up again. "I think we should take a break, what do you think?"

That got Yang to smile, at least a little, Yin could feel it. That was good news. "Yeah, we'll take a break tomorrow, just keep to ourselves. But for now? We need some sleep. Goodnight, Yang! And, sorry, by the way, for not noticing right off the bat."

Yang gave Yin's side a little pat, and that was all Yin needed for a response.

[radiomogai]

oh sorry, do you not want any tone tags used for you all? i apologize if i caused any discomfort

tl;dr: i (Dr Bright) rant about tone tags. we're okay with tone tags such as /lh, /pos, /neu, /j, but don't use /gen, /nm, /nao, and others like that with us

we don't like stuff like /gen or /genq /gq /g etc and also /nm and /npa and /nbr and /nao sos tuff like that???? but we're fine with stuff like /lh and /pos and /neg and /neu and /s and uhh /j

see the thing is that the /gen stuff gets used so often that our paranoid psychosis brain goes "ohw ell if someone isn't using that gen thing it must mean they're lying then!!!" abnd we kinda caught that and nipped it in the bud and went "ok nobody use /gen for us k thx"

and then /nm our brain automatixcally sees it and thinks people are mad at us like ??? but i think it's because we usually see it used in situations where one of the following is true if not both: a) we wouldn't have toughtr the person was mad anyway??? and b) they're like insulting us so it's obvious thehy're actually mad

and then /npa just grosses us out like if you're being passive aggressive you can't just say "oh well i'm not being passive aggressive" and gert away with it like no. that's like saying "i'm sorry that you took offense to what i said" like it's not apologizing for what you said but it's more of a putting the blame on the other person abnd we dislike it a lot.l and also we see /npa used a lot when people are actually being passive aggrsssive and once we called somewone out on it and they went "well i said /npa!!!" like srsly?????

and then /nbr is the same thing. not being rude except you can't just say that to then be rude

and /nao is like it's supposed to be "not an order" which just makes us feel icky and iiiii'm not super sure why tbh

uhhh what other oens do we really not like?? i can't remember

we also dislike how hyperspecific tyone tags get like why does there need to be four ones you could use to say "hey this is a genuine question" ????? you can use /gen or /g or /genq or /gq and it's like

ok we have prettyy bad memory problems. we can't keep track of them.l and then people are like "oh just look at this guide" like do you rwally think i want to be looking at a guide for every single message

and there's so many we literally keep a Notion documebnt with every tone tag we've seen and it has 153 different tags on it and also some aren't even tones???? like we see /wp used a lot which means "wrong proxy" like that's not a tone and neither is /dnr which means "do not reply" and like some of them are just /? or /! wich mean confused and excited respectuively like just use the punctuation normally????

also we see people use tone tags on things where the tone is clear like there's no question if a friend says "i like your art!" then they're being genuine but we have people put /gen on that when talking to us anyway and it makers us feel infantilized

it confuses and annoys us because people get mad at us for forgetting tone tags and get mad at us for not lioking them when it's a psychosis problenm as well as like other mental ehalth and neurodivergency problem

this wasn't supposed to be a rant??? i don'ty know why this became a rant haha sorry but ig uess my thouights are laid out clear now????

- Dr Bright

[adventurebeneaththewords]

Okay so uh please don't crucify me if you get this question already but uhh how was the publishing process of The Moon and the Sea?? I've heard that publishing on amazon isn't particularly too arduous but like, what chose you to offer paperback as an option? What complications come with offering a physical option like that? stuff like that ig uess

These are great questions, anon!

First up, if you haven't already, I'd recommend making an account with Amazon KDP: https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/

This way you can check out all their resources and the stuff they require of you first. (They need you to fill out a tax form amongst other things, that way they can pay you.)

The publishing process for a physical/paperback copy of "The Moon and The Sea: Book One" is a lot harder than an ebook, for sure... If you have access to Adobe InDesign, that would certainly make things a lot easier, but I, like many other small indie writers out there, can't afford Adobe products, so I used Microsoft word to format my book.

That's right, you gotta format your book for publishing yourself! It was a headache at first, but it actually became a lot of fun once I knew what I was doing!

First of all, Amazon has templates you can download for what size of book you want. Since 6x9 is the default on their website, I decided I would use that size. Once you download their template, you can copy and paste your manuscript into the document.

Then, I found this amazing guide to help me format: https://youtu.be/204228daXU4

As for the ebook? Amazon has an actual program you can download yourself to format the ebook. It was just a few clicks and I was done!

You can upload both your ebook and paperback at anytime to Amazon's website, and their computer will automatically check for any spelling errors and other formatting issues that might get your manuscript rejected. And don't be discouraged if you are rejected! They're just trying to help make your book the best version of your book it can be!

The final headache I had was trying to figure out what should go in the front of my book/at the end of my book? You can have: a table of contents, a dedications page, a title page, etc.

I'll make a video elaborating on other parts, but the one I was to cover the most here is your copyright page. There was no real guide for how to write a copyright page other than you need an ISBN number (you can buy one or Amazon will supply you with this) in it, and the words "All rights reserved". Most websites told me to look at other copyright pages and write something similar but not the same. Borrow, don't steal.

In summary

Looking up guides and seeing what other authors do saved my life when it came to getting my manuscript ready for a paperback publication.

And I decided to publish an ebook as well as a paperback because my friends and family all insisted that they would love a physical copy of my book, even if it does cost a little more. ^_^ Plus, you can sign physical copies! Lol

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[harryfeatgaga]

Omg, I used to be mutuals with that Sarah girl on Twitter and went from unfollowing her to blocking her just in the last week! Now her whole account is gone so I feel justified! Can that anon come back and share what happened with her? She got sooo annoying and big headed recently, then her posts about Venice were my final straw to blocking. She’s a huge clout chaser. But I need to know what went down to make her whole account poof! Anon, come share the tea!!!

YEAH I ONLY SYATYED MUTUALS CAUSE SHE WAS IN MY DMS ABOUT ME BREAKING IT AND ALSO I LIKED TO SEE THE DRAMA AND SHARE IT ON MY PRIV LMAOOOO BUT SHES LITERALLY INSANE AND SHES FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN CAMPING FOR EVERY SHOW AND IS SAYING DUMB SHIT ON TWITTER IG UESS IVE MISSED MOST OF THE DRAMA BUT THATS THE SUM UP FROM WHAT IVE HEARD

[qsmp-slime]

may i ask you to infodump about this au? If you want to ofc! -🍎🧃🍎

EHEH we are hAPPYYY to we just get Social Anxiety over just talking without prompting

OKOKOK so. its kind of just a general thing we have but we do have like. we wanna write an actual story set in the world that is essentially "michael growing up and learning magic stuff from all the witches around him". its gonna focus on michael / be his pov sort of. and just him growing up. learning things.

we don't have an actual big overarching story, its just kind of "happy / slice of life au and also everyone is a witch because i SAY SO!!!!"

we have VERY specific ideas for all the characters but uhh general overview for a vibe

ranboo works mostly with void / star magic

tubbo works with herbal / chaos magics, and has DEFINITELY managed to make things explode on accident

techno is a very.. "traditional" witch ig uess you could say? not adhering to any specific practice/belief, just kind of the general like.. oo spooky cottagecore, weird person living in the woods, oddly superstitious/picky about some things, etc. the kind of "spooky witch character" some fantasy medias use a lot if that makes sense. i cannot think of a comparison /hj.

wilbur just does whatever the fuck he wants. unfortunately, magic takes an extreme amount of focus, dedication, and general stable mental state that wilbur does not have, and most of his spells manage to horribly backfire on himself. it is a running joke. people have tried to curse him. it doesnt work, because he has almost always managed to curse himself. sometimes ifhe is visibly having a horrible day, someone will jokingly ask if he did it again. they are usually met with a glare and a threat.

niki is a kitchen witch but please do not let that fool you she is not uwu soft cottagecore grandma type shit. she can and will stab you. or she'll just poison you.

to follow with wilburs horrid track record and techno's Very Specific Things, wilbur is not allowed anywhere NEAR technos house. if he is there anyways, techno can an dwill spend the next while after he leaves cleansing the house.

puffy's a sea witch and so is sally.

i have. uh. an absolute fuck ton more but this is a very general vibe. its all just silly goofy. the angstiest thing is erets relaitonship/issues with HER magic and its kind of just a prolonged identity/heritage crisis. if a specific topic piques curiosity we will accept further questions /lh /nf

[theempresskaizer]

Tagged!! 30 Questions

tagged by two lovelies @kakihoden, and @arimii​ (smooches you both, may strength fill your bones and happiness take root and grow from your hearts)

Nickname(s):  Ythmir, myusername works fine too

Gender: Female

Sign: Scorpio

Height: hmmm im not sure, 167cm?? 165??

Time: 11:50pm, otherwise known as that time i somehow regret drinking that espresso but also am vibrating with energy so yeahhhhhh

Fav band(s): too many to even remember properly anymore tbh and on the top of my head, Panic@theDisco, FOB, Maroon5, Kamisama I Have Noticed, Florence and the Machine, Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike (lmao i consider them a band in the loosest sense of the word ig uess), Kaleo, The Rigs, Amazarashi

Fav solo artist(s): mafumafu, S!N, SymaG, Deadmau5, Karmina, un:c, araki,  Megaterazero, and so much more i cant even list them all but im currently just browsing youtube for utaites so if you know a random singer with lots of personality to their voice hmu

Song stuck in my head: cover version of Roki by amatsuki feat melost, and Inochi ni Kirawareteiru cover by mafumafu, boi i got the feels

Last movie I saw: i.... i have not seen a movie since last year... ;A;

Last show I watched: i rewatched the ikemen sengoku anime haha

When did I create my blog: April 2011 (s w e a t s) and my sideblog around April 2016 

What do I post: reblogs mostly on my main, and writings on my sideblog!

Last thing I Googled: complete list of utapri cards released for the mobile eng version because i am a nerd and i need a database to look at

Do I have any other blogs: yeah my sideblog! check it out for fanfics and original writing if youre bored, maybe?

Do I get asks: H A R D L Y D: prompt me people!! on my sideblog! do itttttt

Why did I chose my URL: it’s my oldest OCs name and my title haha, i chose it because im bad at choosing names and think im a clever lil shit

Following: 874 (a mess, i know) (i cut it down to 700 but end up following a bunch again and at this point i might prune it again)

Followed by: i havent even reached 500 beh haha

Average hours of Sleep: 6-8, any less and im bound to be malfunctioning

Lucky number: i have just the worst luck im just i dont know :/ fortune does not smile upon those who are grit their teeth and dig their heels and scowl because they cant win at rockpaperscissors

Instruments: once upon a time i tried learning the guitar. now i just do rhythm games. do they count?

What I am wearing: pajamas and my sins

Dream job: writingwritingwritingwritingwriting, basically telling stories and using words to convince people that hey look up and see the magic around you, you know

Dream trip: anywhere with history which is basically every nook and cranny of the planet but in particular i want to go to places where people move and live and breathe and learn about them. there’s so much to learn and so little t i m e ! ! you stand there and you look at them and you realize that so many of them have layers and layers of history and you just want to know who they are and what they do and sometimes you press your ear to the walls and they whisper back.

Fav food: anything that does not have mayonnaise (DISGUSTING)

Nationality: w h o knows?? 

Fav song: atm i am listening on loop to: Nonsense Literature as sung by Mafumafu or un:c; Dramaturgy as sung by Rib, I thought I was an angel as sung by S!N, and Roki as sung by amatsuki, someonen gimme new music

Last book I read: currently trying to finish And I Darken by Kiersten White, i find it compelling bu t where do i buy the time to finish???

Top 3 fictional universes I wanna join: let me into anything that has urban fantasy or with dragons, or better yet BOTH, let me have my lovelies

Blogs I would like to get to know better: despite the unfortunate fact that i am not the most consistent presence on here and i am a really awkward entity i have been looking at a few new blogs so if you dont mind me barging in unceremoniously into your internet lives, lemme have it:

@shadowfairyy , @countdowntocake ​, @shadycupcakestrawberry ​, @acrispyapple ​, @rizosrojizos ​, @oh-my-otome ​, @pseudofaux , @nobume-dateand @dreamscapesin1582, and at all the people im struggling and too shy to tag because i admire you all