#JUST ONE WEEK. ONE WEEK OF NO FUCKING MISERY

[rakkuntoast]

wishing that things will get better for qforever and that after all of this he realizes that there are people sticking out for him and people fucking CARE AND LOVE HIM isnt enough, i need to fight ccforever for making his cubito miserable

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

the thing i love about bill cipher is that even after i've learned all of this stuff about him, seen him at the most vulnerable he'll ever get, seen him at his most innocent, i still can't give a flying fuck about trying to justify his actions. yes he's traumatized, yes he was twisted into what we know today, and while it gives a semblance of context to why he did what he did, it doesn't matter. he still ruined ford's life. he still drove and baited multiple humans to suicide. he still tormented every human he saw as his ticket out of the consequences of his own actions. he still took delight in his actions. he was willing to commit genocide for fuck's sake!!! (freezing all of the humans into statues). trying to explain away what he did does not get rid of what he did, but it certainly puts it in perspective. you won't be catching me being a bill apologist any time soon <3

[hawkstincan]

my rewatch got to season 8

[etrevil]

Manga readers don't know what's gonna happen. Anime watchers dont know, I don't know. Fuck, does the studio even know at this point?? Does Asagirir know??? For sure what they're gonna do with our hearts???? How can this manga that started as one author wanting to make dead literary masters into hot guys become such a sense of dread and conflict and excitement all at the same time for me 😭

It's the bungou experience guys. Also preview coming out this evening, prepare the tissues and funeral music✌️

[seilon]

I wish I could tell every young person with a uterus (especially with bad cramps and/or dysphoria and/or depression, etc) that there is a decent chance they just straight up don’t need to live with that. don’t let the stigma surrounding contraceptives and the expectation that you should just ride it out and suffer win. for the love of god if there’s a chance you can lighten or even stop your period and it’s symptoms all-together, unless there’s a legit health concern, your doctor should at least make you aware of that option. I want every young person to know that “birth control” is not just for birth control and it has the potential to make your life infinitely easier to live. do not give in to anti-pill propaganda im serious

[dragonji]

have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.

[bluesey-182]

me, every time i get sick: please please please let this be the one time i just have a cold for a few days

the infection moving into my lungs after two days, every single time: did someone call for bronchitis? I'm gonna be here for at least a month. maybe two :)

[tardis--dreams]

Should i finish my degree or just drop out?

Will it benefit me to do it? Probably a little bit.

Will it affect me negatively if i don't? Probably not much.

Will i feel better after doing it? Probably a little bit.

So this should mean the answer is a clear 'yes i should absolutely finish my degree even if i hate every second of it' right? But. I really hate just even thinking about it. But i should. Do it. It would be bad not to. I think-

[micamone]

hey guys

[rocknrollinbitchforu]

yet another social event i ruined for myself by being a pushover and a wallflower! my favorite!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

x. polite because no one deserves to be purposefully treated rudely. kind because kindness keeps a person gentle. sweet because making people smile is uplifting. helpful for the same reason. supportive because if you dont have anything nice to say, it's extremely easy not to say anything at all. above all, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

o. polite because it's the best way to fade all the way into the background. kind because i'm too afraid to let myself be cruel. sweet because of overwhelming&pathetic desperation to make people happy. helpful because it's too exhausting to cause waves. supportive because other's goals are a great distraction from my own. above all, a smile makes the best camouflage as long as no one can ever see you sweat.

x. lonely+isolated because of mental+physical health restrictions. i miss people-- i miss being surprised, i miss relating to people on any level that isn't abject pain. i miss connection, communion, community.

o. alone+introspective because it pays off to be so. i don't miss people at all-- in fact it is a true sign of growth that it is not my knee-jerk reaction to say that i hate them for everything that (an admittedly small sampling of) people have done to me.

x. i am so terrified of communication at this point, &traumatized by Other People just in general, that i regularly shut my notifications off on everything because the sound of any form of notification ring that i recognize can literally kick off vicious panic attacks and send me running for dark corners, lmao. i am pathetic-- but i am a survivor.

o: i am charming, fun, &social to varying degrees dependent on the work. i am adaptable, everything from the center of attention to support staff with ease. smiling through blood in my mouth&talking to basically anyone for minutes to hours is child's play-- literally, since that is when i learned it.

x. pride over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. made possible by mania, perhaps.

o. shame over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. put off by disassociation, definitely.

x. i am kind and small and smiling and invisible. please just leave me alone. please don't even look at me, i literally cannot bear it, i just want to be alone again, please do not hurt me, i will do anything to make you happy if you just promise not to hurt me.

o. i am vicious and bloody and loud, and i will make you look at me, i will make you see me. i will give you a reason for that sneer, &i have no problem giving and taking blood in the process. my blood is worth so much less that i will win this no matter what-- i am braver than you could ever be because i have nothing that i'm afraid i'll lose.

x: i just want to make people smile.

o: i just want to never see another living person ever again.

x: like me, like me, like me. please just like me. i just want to be safe from abject hatred. i just want to be likeable. i can be anything, anyone-- it isn't like i want to keep all my parts, anyway, just tell me what i need to toss to be normal. just tell me what to chop off to be loveable.

o: i will give you every reason to fucking hate me if that is what's going to happen, anyway. i have spent a lifetime becoming who i am, usually against my will-- i can finally look in the mirror without flinching, &i won't let anyone take that away from me. you'll pry my forced self-acceptance out of my cold, dead hands.

x: i have been so lucky. i have been so fucking lucky. every single day i am reminded of all the many ways it could have been worse, things could have been worse, life could have been worse. i am so lucky. i owe the red string everything for letting me finally be someone i like sometimes.

o: i might have been lucky, but somehow i doubt anyone treating my gratitude or happiness like a red flag would be capable of living a day in my life-- or any singular one of the days i've lived thus far. but i can definitely give them a taste if that's what they need to wipe the snide looks off their faces. i'll hate myself after for giving in to the temptation, though. i always do.

x: there's good in everything. if you look for it, there will always be good somewhere. you just need to look. happiness is a conscious decision. kindness is a conscious decision. being a decent person is a perpetual and conscious decision.

o: there's bad in everything, too, and the second i see it, i cannot unsee it. or forgive it, usually. why is it so much easier to see how much people fucking suck?

x: i want perfection. practice, constant effort, dedication-- i need perfection, i'll get perfection. if i can't, what's the point? if there's not even the possibility, what is the fucking point? how am i supposed to live if i know my lifelong goal is&always has been unattainable?

o. perfection isn't an objective possibility. how many times&different ways do i need to fail at the impossible reality before it actually settles in. it isn't possible. i'm dedicating my life to an impossible pursuit. more specifically, i'm committing myself to eternal&constant punishment for failure. why, though. why am i like this.

x. i hate myself so much sometimes i feel like i might actually lose my mind.

o. i am so full of pride sometimes i feel like i might burst at the fucking seams with it all.

x. i am terrified that i'm not capable of living unless it's fighting uphill. who am i without the struggle? who am i past the trauma?

o. if fighting uphill is what made me what i am, what does it matter if i never lose the edge? why should it matter if i need the extra motivation? if i can handle it, why should the struggle be a bad thing?

[barefootbaltimore]

I just watched Bisans video about why anyone celebrating Christmas should be ashamed of themselves.

And she has every right to say that and she's right. We should be.

I think of how happy I was to put up my tree this year, I got a real tree for the first time and it brings me so much joy to see it. I wonder of I have the right to that small joy each day. How dare I?

But then I think to myself that this time of year, these stupid decorations and traditions exist for so many reasons not the least of which is a reminder that the long nights will end. Almost every holiday celebrated around this time is about the same thing when you strip away the fluff. It's about light in the darkness. The candles will burn, the sun will rise, the star will lead us to the savior. Its all people being in the cold and the dark and reminding themselves that it will end.

And I wonder if maybe some of us do need that this year more than others. There are people for whom this winter is going to be worse than I can even fathom and my dumb issues pale in comparison but is wallowing in my own misery helping them? I don't think so. Maybe it's stupid for a dying Douglas fir draped in lights to bring me joy but fuck something has to? Right?

How do you find joy in a world like this? How do you justify happiness when a genocide is happening? When multiple genocides are happening?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. Because me collapsing under the weight of the world certainly doesn't help anyone.

I know I've done things in the past few months that I will have to answer for one day, even if it's just to myself. I know I haven't given as much as I could or gone to as many protests as I could. I know that when my grandchildren ask me about this time I will have to look them in their eyes and say "I had to go to work." and they will be right to judge me.

This post has lost the plot. It's starting to sound like I'm asking for absolution for buying a fucking Christmas tree during a genocide but I'm not. I can reckon with my own conscious. I'm the one who saw all of those dead children and then went to sing Jingle Bells with the perfectly safe and privileged children of the families I work for. Maybe I'll forgive myself one day.

Merry fucking Christmas I guess

[macchiatogf]

my first draft of my capstone is a week overdue so i’m trying the ole sleep deprivation method (i.e. no sleep til it’s done) but now it’s 3am i’ve faffed my way into getting one more page done and the harsh reality that this paper is truly not going to write itself is setting in. what the fuck gives

[poughkeepsies]

911twt is so funny I just saw someone post "kristen not writing a single ep of s6 but still being my worst nightmare" babe you're admitting to having beef with her when she hasn't done anything what do you think that SAYS

[itstimeforstarwars]

Being in my new department is bad for me because nobody gives a shit what anyone thinks and it’s rubbing off on me and I am going to get fired for telling a manager to go fuck themself any day now.