#JUST HOPE IT'S A GOOD ONE BECAUSE IT'S THE ONE I WILL HAVE 4EVA! UNTIL I BREAKS!!!!

[b-blushes]

can u even believe it i have dealt with 2 of the issues that were taking up most of my brain power, cooked a very vegetable-rich lunch, did my laundry....... wow that's functional, baybee

[delcakoo]

HEY KOOBEAR IM SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN TALKING TO YOU THE OAST 3 DAYS :((( I missed you sm 💗💗💗☹️☹️☹️😘😘😘😘🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍

we….. FINALLY MOVED IN!! I HAVE MY OWN BEDROOM!! We didn’t decorate it yet, I have a futon for a bed lol we’re waiting until prime day and thanksgiving for the deals. Saving money isn’t a habit it’s a LIFESTYLE 🥵 but I didn’t have internet for 3 days I was absolutely gonna go feral. I couldn’t listen to enha for so long I started hearing d-d intro randomly 😟😟 but whateva. I have a google mini and it serves as a scrumptious head banging jump upping move yo body speaker quality and I have drunk dazed playing on rn. BEST TITTLE TRACK FIGHT ME 🫵🫵👊👊💪💪🤬🤬💥💥‼️‼️

But like right tomorrow we’re leaving for India so I can’t talk to you for a month :(((( I’ll miss ur writings sm

Also my friend invited me to her awesome epic ass Halloween party BUT I CANT GO. SOBBING OSMBDJSND. HER PARTIES ARE ALWAYS SO FUN AND I LOVE DRESSING UP.

Also the new concert has me raving curling my toes punching the wall stabbing my gut crying tears head aching like I’m actually sad. THEM SINGING SHOUT OUT MY COMFORT SONG. Playing I need the light and shout out on my loud ass speaker rn it just feels right

But on the bright side she has a thanksgiving party, Christmas party OMG CHRISTMAS. AOMANDKW LYES, YES YES. THAT INE KPOP COVER OF ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMASS BLESSING FOR MY EARS OMFG. BLASTING THAT SHIT ATTEH CHRISTMASS PARTY OMGMGMGMG

Also an Amazon india you can get so much makeup for cheap it’s like 😲😲😫😫😡😡🫵🫵 GIVE RIGHT NKW DKAMDKWMD a lip tint for 44 dollars here is like 13 ish dollars on Amazon India like dayum 😱😱🤭🤭 also not to brag but I got 3 properties of dirt soil and brick in my name in India 🤩🤩 a house, an apartment complex, and a mansion mhmhmnmjm when I literally came from the womb I was gifted with gold. Ain’t ever accepting no less from a partner. My standards are sky high so either be anyone from enhypen or treat me like a queen or just don’t bother. I say all this acting like I’d pull anyone 😍😍‼️‼️💪💪

Speaking of pulling people my hot ass cute ass pretty ass scrumptious ass friend didn’t :(((( she liked some guy who wears highlighter shirts (get rid of them 4eva) and he was kinda ugly ngl but my queen deserves better idc he just wasn’t the one. But basically I had gym and then German after and I saw my queen in the hallways and she was like “WAIT HES IN UR GYM?!” And I said “yeah and in my German tew” and she was like “PLSPLSPLSPLSLKSOLSLS ASK HIM IF HE LIKES ANYBODH BE DISCREET ABT IT” and I was gonna ask him bc me and my friend were walking and he and some guy (NAMED JAY 😱😱😟😟🥺🥺) were walking and jay was like “yo are (kuma’s queen) and you going to the Halloween dance” and he was like “nah bro” and jay was like “well (kuma’s queen) likes you imagine” and I was just quietly listening to them talk ish abt her and it broke my heart :( BUT TLEAST WE KNOW HE AINT IT MY QUEEN DESERVES HER KING FRL if he ain’t taking her out I will she deserves the world omg

Sorry for so many paragraphs I would’ve cut this inbetween 3 days but no internet ☹️ HYD MLOVE MDEAR MDARLING I HOPE UR HAVING A GOOD DAY BBG 😘😘💗💗‼️‼️😍😍

AHHHHH KUMIE WUMIE HIHIHI MY LOVE, I MISSED U SM TOO :((((

WTF WTF WTFTWTETFTWR KUMA I LITERALLY FINISHED WRITING THE ENHA WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD THAT YOU REQUESTED HOLD ONNNN AHAISN. OKAY YKNOW WHAY IM GONNA POST IT IN A FEW MINUTES SO YOU CAN READ IT BECAUSE IT WAS LITERALLY FOR YOU and plus im on my period rn it sucks GRAHHHH OKAY JUST WAIT

AJSJSHKDNDH IM SO HAPGY FOR YOU, THATS A SHAME YOU HAVE TO WAIT TO DECORSTE BUT ITLL BE WORTH IT!! AND SO TRUE DRUNK DAZED IS THE BEDT TITLE TRACK I’LL FIGHT WITH HOU 🔥🔥‼️‼️✊✊✊

DONT SPEAK TO ME AB THE CPNCERT OKAY. IM STILL MOURNING AND SCREAMING AND PRETENDING IT DIDNT HAPPEN ❤️

DAMN WTF WHY DOED UR FRIEND HAVE SO MANY PARTIES 😭 THATD GOOD U CAN ATTEND THE OTHER ONES AND OMFG YOU KNOW THAT COVER????? BRO 100% AGREE ITS A LITERAL EARGASM WENDYS VOICE IS INSANE, AND BANGCHANS HARMONY HAD ME CRYINGJGNG I LISTEN TO THAT COVER RELIGIOUSLG I WISH IT WAS ON SPOTIFY 😭😭😭✊✊

DAMN WTF.. I WANNA GO NOW GIRL GET A SHIT TON OF STUFF AND MAKE SURE TO DO A HAUL FOR ME OKAY ‼️‼️‼️

UM YES YOURF RIEND DESERVES BETTER.. NOT THE HIGHLIGHTER SHIRT 🧍 AND OMG JAY?? jaY ENHYPEN GOES TO UR SCHOOL REAL?? 👁👁

EDIT: I JUST REALISED I READ THIS A DAY LATE AND NOW UR IN INDIA 😭😭😭 IM SOBBING IM CRYJGNFH IM SO SORRY KUMA NOOO MY LOVE, OKAY I’LL POST IT RN ANYWAY IN UR HONOR 😭😭😭😭💖💖💖❤️💖❤️💖❤️

[brin-guivera]

I have made no secret of the fact that I have become obsessed with The Untamed (if you have seen any of my recent posts you will see how often I manage to bring it up even when it has no relation to the content of the post!)

the untamed

Based on a Chinese BL (boys’ love) web novel by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu called Mo Dao Zu Shi (roughly translated to Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation / Founder of Diabolism) has become a bit of a global phenomenon since it aired last summer. I was slightly late to the party (I didn’t start watching it until November after it became available on Netflix) but I have more than made up for it since!

I have re-watched the whole series (all 50 episodes!) twice now, plus the Special Edition (which is basically 50 episodes compressed into 20 episodes for international audiences, with more of a focus on the Wei Wuxian / Lan Wangji relationship that was more subtly portrayed in the 50 episode run, down to having to be mindful of Chinese censorship).

Along with the novel and the live-action series, there is also donghua series (an animated version), a manhua (comic book) adaptation, an audio drama adaption and two spin-off movies from the live-action series (one of which The Living Dead has already aired in 2019, the other Fatal Journey is due to release next week).

The series is absolutely fantastic and has completely taken over my life so I thought it was about time I posted a review!

the story

Wei Wuxian, also known as the Yiling Patriarch, is a person who is feared and despised by almost everyone. As a powerful and deadly cultivator, he became known for his abject cruelty and power, causing the deaths of thousands. He was only stopped when he was killed by Jiang Cheng, once almost as close as a brother to him.

However, the truth isn’t quite as simple as the legend makes out. Was Wei Wuxian really the villain he was made out to be? When he is resurrected following a spell by a mentally unstable young man called Mo Xuanyu (who offers his own body in exchange for Wei Wuxian exacting revenge on those who had wronged him), it is unclear what his motivations will be. Will he seek vengeance against those who had once wronged him?

One person who is happy to see Wei Wuxian is Lan Wangji, an upright young man whose heroics have cultivated legends of his own. The two have a shared history and bond that has surprised all who have known them. Can they both clear Wei Wuxian’s name and find out once and for all who has actually been the mastermind behind all of the unfortunate events that have befallen the cultivator world?

the review

Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo star as Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji respectively. Both are mesmerising in their roles and I cannot think of anyone more perfectly suited. Xiao Zhan imbues Wei Wuxian with a carefree spirit and boyish charm, completely at odds with the widespread belief that Wei Wuxian is someone to be feared and hated. Wang Yibo is a revelation as the stoic and unemotional Lan Wangji. His ability to convey how he is feeling in tiny micro-expressions is utterly enthralling.

Both actors are compelling to watch and really give life to their characters. The chemistry between them is off the charts. Although nothing can be explicitly depicted due to censorship, it is clear that these two characters are deeply in love. Filled with lots of longing looks, and artful yet powerful interactions, their bond is clear to see for anyone who is looking but sub-textual enough to skirt pass the censors! It’s a masterclass in subtlety.

The cast of supporting characters are fantastic too! Wang Zhuocheng and Xuan Lu are brilliant as Wei Wuxian’s adoptive siblings Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli. Wang Zhuocheng has the daunting task of making the hot-headed and stubborn Jiang Cheng likable and manages to succeed whilst bringing a vulnerability to the character too. Yanli is an amazing big sister to Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng – supportive and loving, caring and emotionally reassuring. She proves that strength doesn’t always lie in being physically powerful.

I also really loved Ji Li as the seemingly incompetent and weak Nie Huaisang and Liu Haikuan as Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji’s serene and kind elder brother. I would also be remiss not to mention Meng Ziyi as Wen Qing and Yu Bin as Wen Ning – the cutest siblings that ever lived! And of course, I cannot forget Zhu Zanjin as Jin Guangyao – the sly and smooth manipulator that also manages to be completely sympathetic at the same time. Also, all of the Juniors – love them all!! Not to mention Xiao Xingchen, Song Lan, and Xue Yang… the whole cast is outstanding and there are too many for me to keep singling out standouts.

The story is initially confusing for the first two episodes but please stick with it because it gets so good! The first couple of episodes are set after Wei Wuxian is resurrected but then episode 3 flashes back to the past and shows how he ended up becoming (unfairly) the most feared person in the cultivation world.

It depicts his first meeting with the moral and strict Lan Wangji and how these two ended up defying all expectations and becoming soulmates. How they were torn apart again and again, until Wei Wuxian’s untimely demise. This is a story about second chances and overcoming huge obstacles. It’s about friendship and family. Love and sacrifice. It is such a moving story with plenty of action but lots of character moments. The relationships between the characters propels the story and although there is a lot of plot going on, it is at heart a character-driven narrative (my favourite kind!)

to sum up

If you haven’t watched this series yet, I urge you to please, please, please check it out! It is just too amazing not to share with everyone. It might just be my favourite series in recent years, maybe of all-time, along with Deep Space Nine (my other top favourite). The acting is amazing, the story is moving and you have a love story that manages to be so powerful without ever actually being explicit. It is all the sweeter and intense for being subtle in its depiction. Wangxian 4eva!!!

It will tear your heart to shreds but then mend it again. It will make you lose your mind but then turn around and give you hope again. It is just so good. It is not without its flaws, some of the special effects look a bit cheesy at times, but it is easy to overlook in the grand scheme of things.

some additional thoughts and musings

I cannot believe how well Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo became their characters – it’s actually quite funny when you see behind the scenes videos of the two of them. They are clearly very close in real life but their personalities are complete opposites – Xiao Zhan seems more zen and peaceful and Wang Yibo is a chaotic little gremlin (I adore him!)

There is so much other content for this series – I am planning on reading the translated novel soon but I am also going to check out everything else along with the author’s other works… will keep me busy for years to come!

Merch for days – I can’t seem to stop buying Untamed-themed merch (check out my STS posts – they are chock full of the merch I have bought week to week!) I am seriously obsessed…

I also have an urge to watch everything Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan have ever been in (along with the rest of my favourites from the cast) and have been listening to the soundtrack religiously (as well as the individual music the cast have put out whether solo or as part of groups – what a talented cast this is!)

My Twitter feed seems to be less about books these days and more about The Untamed haha!

I might just be crushing slightly on Wang Yibo (and also Xiao Zhan) despite being way older than them both – I feel like a cougar but just look how pretty… 😂

[eddisfargo]

CoMC Chapter 113

CHAPTER 113

The Past

32 minutes

Gee, he sure is sad about the whole “bye forever Mercedes” thing. But this chapter isn’t about that. 

It’s an interesting chapter though--MC becomes a tourist and he is also the main attraction. He tours the now-inactive Chateau D’if. Literally, with a tour guide. It’s pretty fun. But less so for him, because he’s getting flashbacks. He goes back on the boat trip that ended his former life, and even walks into his old room. And the tourist tells him his own story! Except the version that ends in two possibilities: Either he landed flat and was killed instantly by the water, or he landed upright and was pulled down by the cannonball. 

So this story is a VERY DANGEROUS PRISONER named #34 and a poor mad priest. The young one one was obviously the one who dug the tunnel since he was strong and sane. MC is sweating buckets. The tourguide is actually pretty sympathetic to the guy in the story, which he appreciates. 

He asks for the light to be put out so he can see the cell the way he remembers it. He has +5 Nightvision so he sees it all. Like when he tried to figure out how old his father is (could he be alive?) and Mercedes (could she be free?) and felt hope! But he says he didn’t reckon on hunger or infidelity. Infi--WTF DID YOU WANT HER TO DO????

Anyways. Apparently he also wrote something like “Please, God, preserve my memory” which God has certainly done. The tour guide says something else nice and he goes “aww, take some money.” And the dude’s like “cool thanks--WAIT THIS IS THE GOLDEN MONEY is this a mistake??” and MC’s like “nah this is what happens to nice people in my world.” 

Then it turns out that the tourguide found a hollow spot. And he found--MC immediately guesses what he found, ofc, a ropeladder and tools, and then goes “LOL just a good guesser you know.” BUT ALSO, the tourguide found THE ABBE’S BOOK! His second father’s book!! So MC looks to it for a sign, because he’s feeling doubt and if he doesn’t get a sign right now it will become REMORSE, and we can’t have that! But luckily the Abbe wrote a nice Bible quote of the wrathy vengey type. So now he’s back on track! And he also gives the tourguide $10,000 on the condition he doesn’t look until he’s gone. 

He leaves with the name of a woman on his lips--tender, almost loving. And I’m sitting there bracing myself because I know which stupid name it’s going to be, and sure enough. “Haydee.”

Whatever. At least I can spell it now.

Look, it’s not that I don’t like her, she’s fine. In fact, as a daughter for him I like her a LOT. But as a wife nope nope nope never. I know that’s where this is going and I’m not going to be OK with it, just warning you. But I’ve gone through the grief stages at this point and I’m on #5: Meh. Screw it. 

So he finds Morell again, and puts his grief in perspective. He is not, in fact, the unluckiest person ever to live ever--as he literally believes.  Edmond couldn’t even find his father’s grave. Also there’s the PRISON FOR 14 YEARS nonsense. AND he lost his love too. “Worse” than finding her dead, he found her FAITHLESS. (PS did I mention screw you MC--team Mercedes 4eva)

So it turns out Morrel’s not going to Rome with him, he’s sticking around in Marseilles, but he’s going to pop over to Monte Cristo (the island) a day before his deadline. Get it? The day he’s going to otherwise be dead? Then he’ll find Valentine hangin with Haydee and live happily ever after. I know what you’re thinking: Eddis! No fair! You’ve read ahead! But no, I’m just that good of a guesser! (There’s about a 60% chance you’re actually like “umm I wasn’t thinking that all you’re not even right lol” but to that I say :P )

[itsadrizzit]

Hello! I know you from ao3 and I absolutely adore your fics (the ones about football). You are an amazing writer! I really like how you give a specific voice to each character and make them feel so real, so tridimensional. I wanted to ask you if you have any plans of continuing with "Deleted Scenes" or with the Christian/Vincent ship in general bc it's my favourite ship ever and since Vincent is back in England (hopefully 4eva) I can only imagine how Christian must be feeling lol. Greetings!

Hello!

First, THANK YOU. This is so shocking to me every time because I’m like, wait... OTHER PEOPLE like this thing I’m doing??? I mean, mostly I’m like well I wrote this because it wouldn’t leave me alone and I’m putting it on the internet because it makes me feel less like I just spent 343279898872 hours on a thing no one but me is ever going to see, which is a way I convince myself that I’m not just wasting time doing nothing productive with my life (we can discuss the relative merits of that line of thinking some other time probably). And then people are like... I LOVE THIS?

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. A long time ago, when I first started writing and I had no fucking clue what I was doing and there were these BNFs that I was reading/following and there were these stories that had inspired me to write MY story and given me these feelings that I couldn’t categorise or place or even process really and I was just here like... I don’t know what I’m doing, but I put words on a page, I thought to myself “someday, I want to be a writer who makes someone else feel this way. Like... have feelings and be vaguely disoriented about them.” I never actually expected to achieve that, so to know that people are not only out there READING this stuff I’m doing, but also like... they LIKE it. They think it’s GOOD? They think it’s BETTER THAN GOOD? It’s baffling, but also a major honour AND a major responsibility and I love it and I take it seriously and there is not a word in any language that I know that can adequately express my thanks for this.

Now... to answer your question.

Short answer: yes, there is more fic coming.

Long answer: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and also 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. Yes.  Further details under this cut because I’m about to get long-winded. No one who reads my fic should be surprised about that.

I’m working on something. I’ve been working on it since JULY. It’s slow going. It’s actually part of a new series, since Deleted Scenes is done (for now... I might add more and fill in gaps since I have ideas, but I need to get through these 10 other ideas first, so that probably won’t happen until everyone is retired at the rate things are going.) But! Since Vincent is currently back with Spurs, there’s a new series in progress (It is called “All Loved Up” after THIS AMY SHARK SONG since every time she drops a song I instantly think “I WANT TO WRITE A FIC ABOUT THIS, HERE IS A 5000-word detailed outline of all my thoughts.” The idea is exploring the next chapter in Christian and Vincent’s relationship after Christian made his very rash and impulsive offer back at Christmas for Vincent to move in with him. So there’s all this constant uncertainty because Vincent wants to leave and yet doesn’t and Christian doesn’t want to get hurt again, but also wants what’s best for Vincent AND they now have to figure out how to live together and what all this means. Plus injury drama and coming out drama and parallels with the past and feelings of failure, and it’s a lot, but if I can execute it I hope it’s really going to be good.

So, I’ve been working on the first fic in this series since July, as I said, and it’s slow-going because it’s a departure from the usual way I write this relationship in that there’s a lot of tension between the two and neither of them is really speaking about it so there’s always sort of this feeling of low-key conflict and Vincent as the POV character doesn’t quite know WHY, but it seems like Christian has reversed his stance on EVERYTHING when it comes to their relationship and now wants to hold Vincent at as much of a distance as possible. This is tricky when Vincent is living in Christian’s house. Also, at this point, Vincent is still hoping to only be there for a few weeks before he can go back to Fener where his friends have prepared a room for him in their apartment, so he’s trying to get in this quality time with Christian and for some reason Christian is being kind of an asshole about pretty much everything. I actually HATE writing them fighting, it’s hard for me, and it’s especially hard for me because I want to let Christian explain himself, but I chose to do this all from Vincent’s POV for a reason, so I’m sticking with it. So it’s a lot of trying to convey Christian’s deep emotions with body language and subtext from a man who doesn’t show his emotions on the surface and that’s been a challenge. Also I keep writing ensemble cast and party scenes and I’m RUBBISH at them, so that’s something.

But! It’s almost done. Or, well, it’s more than halfway written and edited. I haven’t actually written some of the scenes yet, but I’ve edited nearly everything that I’ve written. My goal was to get this out by the end of February so I can move on to fic number 2 in the series (which is going to somehow be EVEN LONGER than this one I have now that was supposed to be maybe 20k and is currently at 35k without being fully written yet), but due to work things I don’t think that’s happening. But SOON, friend. SOON. I just want it to be over with and move on because i have so many more stories to tell.

That is your very long-winded and probably more detailed than you wanted it to be update. Hopefully that suits?

If you want occasional scene bits and sometimes updates with what’s going on and a lot of randomness with me popping in and dropping full chapters in your lap because I feel badly AND because they’ve been done for MONTHS and I just want someone to have them, you can follow my writing side-blog at @drizzitwrites. It’s possibly interesting on occasion.

So... to summarise... THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU, I APPRECIATE THE HELL OUT OF YOU, I’M WORKING ON IT, NO ONE IS AS FRUSTRATED WITH MY LACK OF CONTENT AS I AM, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS, AND I’M SORRY.

[judgereviews]

Top 10 Albums of 2017

As the year is almost done, it is time for my yearly top 10 albums of the year! I can definitely say that although this year wasn't the best for the world, it was one of the best years in music in a LONG time. It was really hard ordering this list just because there were so many albums I liked this year! As always, this list is my opinion and albums I played the most throughout the year, but let me know in the comments  what you think are the best!

Honorable Mentions:

N.E.R.D – No_One_Ever_Really_Dies

Lil Wayne - Dedication 6 (D6 Reloaded tonight!)

Offset, 21 Savage & Metro Boomin – Without Warning

Calvin Harris – Funk Wav. Bounces Vol. 1 (Straight vacation vibes)

Daniel Caesar – Freudian

 Rapsody – Laila’s Wisdom

Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.

 Lorde - Melodrama 

 10 G Herbo – Humble Beast

G Herbo has always been a young prodigy to me. In a world of trap music, it is so refreshing to hear a young rapper being lyrical while still being a street artist. Humble Beast is an album about the triumphs and street wisdom G Herbo has to offer. Everything about this album is high-quality from the beats, bars and even features from Lil Uzi Vert and Lil Bibby. If you missed this album, I would highly recommend it.

9. SZA – Ctrl

I remember coming to the end of 2016 thinking that this album would become the new Detox and never be released. The wait for this album got so long that SZA herself was getting frustrated at TDE threatening to leave the label, but alas, in June we finally got this gem of an album. In a time where R&B music was becoming more singular and not creative, SZA came through with an album so different from the climate, but still relating to so many people through her lyrics. I am so proud of her and can only imagine great things to happen in the future for her!

8. Joey Bada$$ - ALL-AMERIKKKAN-BADA$$

Among all the political albums we got this year, AABA still is leaps and bounds ahead of the crop. Joey doesn’t seem like an artist who is screaming the issues at you, or doing this for a cash grab, instead he tackles these issues from a very humanistic view and the records asks you to participate in the revolution. Musically Joey experiments with his vintage sound and it pays of big time! If you only heard Devastated and never checked the project out, please do.

7. Steve Lacy – Steve Lacy’s Demos

I have been championing this guy since The Internet released Ego Death in 2015. Lacy is pretty much responsible for the sound of that project and as soon as I heard he has his own solo material I was in love. Steve colorfully mixes alternative rock music in with soul in a way I can’t escape. Even though this album is only 16 minutes, I have found myself going back to this since it came out in Febuary. If you liked Ego Death, you will like this Demo as well.

6. Mac Demarco – This Old Dog

I have always liked Mac Demarco’s music here and there, but I have enjoyed a full project from him until This Old Dog came out. I just love how the music is so relaxing, but some of the themes of this album are somber. I also love Mac’s decision to move from his signature electric guitar sound to a more acoustic sound this go around. If you want good cleaning music, this is the album for you dawg.

5. Migos – Culture

I can’t think of any other people who have had a better 2017 than the Migos. Not only did they own mainstream music collectively and individually, they actually came through with a very good album. Its not easy for rappers like Migos to make an album I can bump from front to back, but they did. Not only are the beats hypnotic and bounce, I truly believe the Migos rap really well all over this thang, specifically on Deadz and the intro track.

 4. Big K.R.I.T – 4eva is a Mighty Long Time

I have already gushed about this album in my review, but man is this a dope album. Besides To Pimp a Butterfly, I cannot think of an hour and a half album I have enjoyed from front to back. This album just really inspires me and makes me motivated through the stories K.R.I.T is telling and I am glad that the King of the South is back.

3. BROCKHAMPTON – The Saturation Series

Just from the standpoint that it would be obnoxious to post all three saturations in this list made me decide to clump all these projects in one spot. I remember the first time I watched their video for HEAT, I knew these guys were going places. Each Saturation album is oozing with creative production, lyrics and sounds like nothing anyone is doing right now. Each member contributes heavily to each song. The most surprising part about these albums is that each album sounds completely different even though they were released in a 6-month span. I love these guys and I cannot wait for whatever they have going next.

2. JAY Z – 4:44

HOVA! In a time where kids my age hate on OG’s saying they are washed and can’t create dope albums in their 3rd acts of their career had to eat their words when Jay released this album. Not only am I in awe of the music quality and bars on this album, Jay actually talked about solutions the black community can do to empower each other. Not only that, Jay gave us his most personal project yet, when there is more on the line now then when he released Reasonable Doubt.  I know we won’t be getting another Jay Z album for a while, but I hope Jay takes as much time as he wants and crafts another project like this one.

1. Tyler, The Creator – Flower Boy

I know that everyone saw this coming!!! While I do think 4:44 and Flower Boy are neck and neck, I had to give it to Flower Boy because of the magnitude of a statement Flower Boy is. Even though Kevin Abstract of BROCKHAMPTON proudly declares his homosexuality, Tyler is a much larger artist. Not only that, the way Tyler artfully composed an album about his love life and his sexuality so beautifully is astounding. Aside from the content, Tyler has improved exponentially with his production and even more on his lyricism. If you guys were doubting Tyler’s genius on Cherry Bomb (Which Ya’ll are still wrong on), you definitely aren’t with Flower Boy.

[afoolsingenuity]

Bite Sized Books // Where I Declare My Love For Mariana Zapata’s Books

I have been intending to write a review for Mariana Zapata’s books for a good long while. A month, even! I read them when I was on holiday and adored them in every way. At least, the first ones I read (the two I read when I got home weren’t quite as good but they showed great potential). I knew I wanted to tell you guys how brilliant they were but I really couldn’t find the words to say why other than to flail and say read them! I still knew I had to feature them, though. There are just some books you have to talk about even when you’re utterly inelegant about them. I mean, even Zapata’s worst books were enjoyable they just weren’t up to scratch to my favourites from her.

The Ones I Adored

The Wall of Winnipeg and Me – Mariana Zapata

Published: 28th February 2016 Source: Bought Genre: Sports romance, Contemporary, Adult My Rating:

Vanessa Mazur knows she's doing the right thing. She shouldn't feel bad for quitting. Being an assistant/housekeeper/fairy godmother to the top defensive end in the National Football Organization was always supposed to be temporary. She has plans and none of them include washing extra-large underwear longer than necessary.

But when Aiden Graves shows up at her door wanting her to come back, she's beyond shocked.

For two years, the man known as The Wall of Winnipeg couldn't find it in him to tell her good morning or congratulate her on her birthday. Now? He's asking for the unthinkable. What do you say to the man who is used to getting everything he wants?

This was the first book from Zapata I heard about. I am a girl who loves romance, and more specifically sports romance, and I also adore fake relationships so when I heard there was a book which included all three of them you can bet I was interested in reading. Only problem? It was over 600 pages long. The average romance is like 300 pages, you can imagine I was intimidated by a book which was twice that. It’s why I didn’t bother buying until I knew I had all the time in the world to read it, when I was on holiday. I almost didn’t pick it up even then, luckily I avoided that mistake and found my first of my favourites from Zapata.

I adored Vanessa, she puts up with no crap and she didn’t swoon for Aiden just because he was some hot shot NFL player. She didn’t care. He had been a means to an end so could pursue her career. She handed in her notice and didn’t look back and I didn’t blame her as Aiden was annoying as hell, he was an island, and he didn’t stand up for her. She would have stayed focused an independent from Aiden if he hadn’t offered something she wanted, money to truly give her the independence she craved, she just had to marry him to help him stay in the US. Easy, right?

Well, it’s safe to say from there I fell in love as Aiden stayed being gruff and focused, but a little less of an island under Vanessa's influence. And I adored it. I didn’t even notice the length of the book because I was so invested in these characters. I swooned and sighed and grinned like and idiot and fell head over heels. I truly did, this was the best. Don’t be put off by the length but strap yourself in for a slow… very slow ride. This is the ultimate of slowburn. The romance moves at a glacial pace and it might frustrate the hell out of some. I was on the edge of my seat and loved every minute, though.

Dear Aaron – Mariana Zapata

Published: 10th June 2017

Source: Bought

Genre: Romance, Contemporary, Adult/New Adult

My Rating:

Ruby Santos knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she signed up to write a soldier overseas.

The guidelines were simple: one letter or email a week for the length of his or her deployment. Care packages were optional.

Been there, done that. She thought she knew what to expect.

What she didn’t count on was falling in love with the guy.

Then onto the second of Zapata’s books which I read. I hadn’t got this one on my radar until Nick reviewed it (funny how Nick often is the person who puts romance on my radar). I wasn’t quite as eager to get a hold of this one because Nick had said the pacing was a bit off with some of the romance and that it could have been shorter, the concern I had when it came to buying Wall of Winnipeg. I went ahead, though, because I loved the idea of a couple writing to one another and falling love. The concept slayed me and the reality was even better than expected.

Ruby and Aaron were so cute together. Ruby was brilliant and I loved that she lived with her parents still but was pursuing her career because I live at home too and it isn’t great but it’s a good means to and end. And Aaron was great building this friendship with Ruby as one of his few contacts back home so he could cope throughout his deployment.

I adored it and was totally sucked in from the start. I was gone for Aaron and adored Ruby from the very beginning. She was way geekier than me but I totally got her and her fandom ways and her quirkiness and how utterly why she is. I just connected with her straight away as I saw a lot of myself in her.

I loved how the format of the book demonstrated the progression in the relationship. We begin with emails being sent with them being a bit awkward as hey got to know one another and slowly connect. It then changes to IMs as the pair get closer and talk more often and it develops as they grow closer. It totally worked and I loved it.

This was such a cute book and I was expecting it to be angstier because Aaron was in the army but it actually was way more cute and fun and I loved it for that. It was nothing like I thought and everything which I wanted in a romance. I had a silly grin going on while I was reading and I'm not ashamed of that fact.

Kulti – Mariana Zapata

Published: 20th March 2015 Source: Bought Genre: Romance, Contemporary, Sports Romance, Adult My Rating:

“Trust me, I’ve wanted to punch you in the face a time or five.”

When the man you worshipped as a kid becomes your coach, it’s supposed to be the greatest thing in the world. Keywords: supposed to.

It didn’t take a week for twenty-seven-year-old Sal Casillas to wonder what she’d seen in the international soccer icon—why she’d ever had his posters on her wall, or ever envisioned marrying him and having super-playing soccer babies.

Sal had long ago gotten over the worst non-break-up in the history of imaginary relationships with a man that hadn’t known she’d existed. So she isn’t prepared for this version of Reiner Kulti who shows up to her team’s season: a quiet, reclusive, shadow of the explosive, passionate man he’d once been.

Nothing could have prepared her for the man she got to know.

Or the murderous urges he brought out in her.

“Sal, please don’t make me visit you in jail. Orange isn’t your color.”

This was going to be the longest season of her life.

And then the third, and in some ways my favourite. I actually had to figure out how to connect my Kindle to my phones internet to read this one while I was away because I brought it halfway through reading Dear Aaron because I knew I needed to read more Zapata and especially this one. It was another that had come onto my radar when I heard of Wall of Winnipeg because sports romance! I was put off by the fact it was a football (soccer) romance because I am not a huge fan of football, I see it enough on TV at home, do I really need to read a romance about it too. Also, the last sports romance which involved football I tried to read was Scoring Wilder and I hated it so I thought I might not like Kulti I was convinced by the fact Zapata wrote it and I am so glad I was.

I think this one clicked for me because I adored the fact it was a romance with an age gap. I was full on in love with Kulti too. Also, it was so similar to Pitch and my favourite ship in that (Mike/Ginny 4eva) that I was fully in love from the beginning.

This one was an enemies to lover romance and it was spot on. Even better, Sal wasn’t the usual girl in her early twenties falling in love but instead 27 and had several years playing on the football team who was focused on her career. She was determined to be the best she could be (with a few exceptions) and she was determined to do her best. And Reiner Kulti was a grumpy guy who had passed the peak in his career and who really didn’t want to be coaching when he was a world famous player. And he had been a dick to Sal’s brother and was basically horrible to anyone he spoke to and so Sal wasn’t willing to put up with crap from him at all.

I loved the dynamic between the two whenever they spoke and how throughout the book they grew closer. First, they became friends before any hope of romance happened. And then there was Sal’s family! I adored her parents and would have happily had them feature far more in the book. I would return to read more about Kulti and Sal’s life given half a chance.

This was the best kind of sports romance for me. It was about a female athlete for once and was absolutely brilliant. It even had a really good age difference romance for me to love. I will read all the books!

The Ones I Liked Less

Under Locke – Mariana Zapata

Published: 19th January 2014

Source: Bought

Genre: Contemporary, Romance

My Rating:

He was my boss, my brother’s friend, a Widower, an ex-felon, and a man I’d seen casually with a handful of women. But he was everything that gripped me, both the good and the bad. Worst case scenario if things turned awkward between us, I could go somewhere else. I’d gotten over epic heartbreak before, one more wouldn’t kill me.

After moving to Austin following six months of unemployment back home, Iris Taylor knows she should be glad to have landed a job so quickly... even if the business is owned by a member of the same motorcycle club her estranged father used to belong to. Except Dex Locke might just be the biggest jerk she’s ever met. He’s rude, impatient and doesn’t know how to tell time.

And the last thing they ever expected was each other.

But it was either the strip club or the tattoo shop.

… she should have chosen the strip club.

It just makes me sad when you read a book which doesn't work for you from an author you love. I mean, I still haven’t read all of Zapata’s books so there is still a chance there are more from her I don’t like but it made me sad as this was the first book by her I didn’t adore. It was partially a me thing for me to dislike it. I wasn’t a fan of the whole motorcycle gang aspect of the book. I may have enjoyed Sons of Anarchy but it’s a bit iffy when it comes to gang things. Also, when I began reading it was the last day on my holiday and my brain wasn’t totally focused on the book. That lack of focus when it came to reading this meant I didn’t become fully absorbed either.

It had all the usual marks of a Mariana Zapata book but it just missed the mark for me. I think it was the fact it was a biker gang book and Dex was just not what I wanted. He came across as a dick (hence the nickname in the book) and whilst he revealed a softer side his dickish tendencies were too much for me.

It was a good read for some, I’m sure, but not for me. It makes me sad but there always has to be one, right?

Lingus – Mariana Zapata

Published: 7th August 2015 Source: Bought Genre: Contemporary, Romance My Rating:

Most people would describe Katherine Berger as a responsible girl with a big heart, a loyal friend who takes care of those close to her, and the possessor of a wicked sense of humor. There was something about her that most people didn't know. "My name is Kat Berger, and I love porn."

When twenty-five-year-old Kat is dragged to a porn convention by her best friend, she's both embarrassed and nervous. The last thing she ever expected was to meet someone who makes her laugh like no other. This is a story about acceptance and friendship, and a love born out of the most unexpected of places.

This was a really good friends to lovers story and I enjoyed it. I didn't fall head over heels for it like Zapata's later books but you can see the essence of the great stories she writes and I did enjoy it. This only ended up on the bad list because I wasn’t head over heels and totally absorbed like I expected to be.

The book starts at a porn convention so it was safe to say I was a little hesitant going in to see whether I'd like it. Turns out it was hilarious and I enjoyed it. Sure, occasionally Kat and her friends seemed a bit OTT, almost like caricatures of who they really were because they were too much. But I did enjoy it and I loved Kat's close-knit group of friends and how they were all so close.

I thought some stuff went too fast in this book and some things too slow but the pacing wasn't a major issue. It was the first time I felt like a Zapata book was a touch too long though. I actually noticed a bit of a drag in the story towards the end.

As a whole it's a funny romance that I enjoyed as a weekend read. It may not have ticked all my boxes but it did tick a lot of them.

Now I have declared my undying love for Mariana Zapata I feel a strong need to go read those last two books by her. Who was the last author whose entire backlist you went and bought after one book? And any awesome romance authors you feel the need to recommend?

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[gladioluuss]

A colorful journey of being a FANGIRL /girl group EDITION/

Well.. this post is about me sharing some experience about my career in the KPOP world as a fangirl. It’s been 10 years since I became a fan so I’ll reminisce. The topic for this post is about GIRL GROUPS since I’ve only stanned few boy groups (but I’ll have separate appreciation post for that). Click that Keep Reading button :D

Disclaimer: This list and story are based on my experiences and personal preference. I’m not forcing anyone to like my opinion or to agree with me. 

The Beginning

I’m a KPOP fan that started in 2009 because of the influence of 2ne1. Sandara Park is my idol before and when 2ne1 debuted I supported their songs, waited for their MVs to appear on Myx channel that we have in out TV because there is no Youtube that is available yet. I listened to their songs I don’t care  and Fire. Then I have an older cousin who let me listen to 4 Minute’s songs like Mirror Mirror and Ready Go. 

Then 2010 arrived, before the school year started I played with my guy friends and one of them let me listen to Girl’s Generation. Oh! is my favorite, I even stream it in youtube and listen to it repeatedly.  Also I listened to Gee and even memorized the lyrics. When I am attending school, I had friends that are also KPOP fans and they influenced me to listen to Big Bang, the first Boy Group that I admired (I’ll tell my story on Boy Groups in another post). Then we fangirl to 2ne1 and Big Bang. We listened to I am the Best  which is the hit song of the year and also Fantastic Baby (which is Big Bang’s). We dance to the song (I am the best). 

I was a hardcore Black Jack when 2012 came and I had discovered a lot more groups. I continued listening to 2ne1, 4 minute and SNSD songs then adding to the group that I liked are f(x) with Hot Summer, After School with Flashback, Kara with Pandora, Miss A’s I don’t need a man also T-ara’s Bo Peep Bo Peep and SISTAR’s Loving U. I remember discovering these songs because MTV and Channel V has like this programs where they play MV’s of KPop groups.  I downloaded all of the Girl Group songs in my phone (and also boy group of course) especially when I find it cute/charming/catchy and good. This craze continued until before all of these group disbanded/ had member(s) left. (Or maybe the rise of 3rd Gen Idols). 

I’m almost ready to say that I’ll retire sooner or later since majority of the groups that I listen to has now disbanded or some members left (but still I’m hoping that they’ll do some reunion) /other reasons; I’m in college already so priorities/. This state (many 2nd Gen Groups disbanding/Hiatus) because its tough competition with the 3rd Gen; same case with Boy Groups. I like these 2nd Gen to 2.5 Gen groups (according to wikipedia) and I can say they became popular because of their hardwork not because they debuted under a popular company and became overrated and they have sincere music and to showcase their singing and dancing not just to become famous.

I’m sad to see these bands disband but I love that some still are going strong like EXID, APINK . But this implies that nothing goes forever and eveything changes. Time flies so fast, its like yesterday I’m listening to my pink ipod and now I’m writing this blog post and stating how I became a fan and how many years had passed. 

This part, I’m going to put the girl groups that I have adored throughout the years. (no particular order)

2ne1 - My queens. One of the group that made a great foundation on why 3rd Gen groups are more popular than them now  KPOP is famous globally. 4eva my favorite. Songs: Fire, I am the Best, Clap your Hands, I Hate you, Ugly, Missing you, I Love you, Gotta be you. /I won’t be able to list all my favorite songs of the groups because all of them are good even the B-sides maybe in a separate post?/

Girls Generation - My queens. All of their songs are bop tbh there is no song that made a hole in their career. From high heels to sneakers. Songs: Gee, Genie, Oh!, Run Devil Run, The Boys, I Got a Boy (tbh just check their youtube account and listen to all of their music). 

4Minute - My queens. I LOVE THEIR SONGS EVERY COMEBACK IS A BOP. This group led me to continue the KPOP fangirl because I love their songs tbh every songs that I listen to its just a masterpiece. Songs: Muzik, Heart to Heart,I My Me Mine, Volume Up, Mirror Mirror, What’s you Name?, Watcha doin Today?, Hate, Crazy.

Kara - I love this group SO MUCH I started stanning them in Pandora Era because their MVs are always on the TV. The first song that I was able to listen to is STEP and that’s when I started to look forward to their songs. I even like their Japanese Songs! I downloaded their Fantastic Girls Album. Songs: Step, Mister (or Mr.), Lupin, Pandora, Damaged Lady, Cupid

f(x) - The first song that made me a MeU is Electric Shock + Sulli being in a drama with Minho of SHINee. Then I also enjoyed their song Hot Summer. I love their songs because it doesn’t have a typical genre that a girl group would be having but f(x) is special because they have such creative songs even their B-sides are a bop! Songs: Electric Shock, Chocolate Love (tho its not their song... I still love their ver. compared to SNSD’s), Hot Summer, Red Light, 4 Walls, Nu ABO, Pinnochio (Danger), Red Light Album and Pink Tape Album.

Sistar - I loveeeeee Sistar sooo soooo much. I have listened to a lot of their songs (Loving U being my favorite), dancing to their songs (to Alone, Loving You, Touch my Body). I know a handful of their title tracks because I always adore it.) Songs: Alone, Loving U, I Swear, Shake It , GIve it to Me, So Cool.

Girl’s Day - The first song that I heard and actually liked is Expectation where they had this dance with suspenders. I like the dance of this song even tho its a too much for my age. Then I listened to their songs such as Female President, Something, Darling which I also memorized the choreo of these songs. My favorite is also Minah which I always feel like we have the same eyes because we both have eye smile. Songs: Twinkle Twinkle, Don’t Forget Me, White Day, Expect, Female President, Darling, Something, Ring My Bell.

APink - I liked every APink song, every comeback I waited for them. I have seen their eras from cute to feminine to mature. I’m so happy that they are still alive and still doing some songs. Some recent songs are I’m so Sick and %%. Songs: I don’t Know, Hush, My My, BuBiBu, No No No, Mr. Chu, LUV, Remember, I’m So Sick, %%

Honorable Mentions:

1. EXID - recommended songs: Every Night, Up & Down, Ah Yeah, Hot Pink, L.I.E, DDD, Lady, I Love You

2. After School - recommended songs: Bang, Love Love Love, Shampoo, In the Night Sky, Flashback, First Love

3. Nine Muses - recommended songs: Ticket, Dolls, Wild, Gun, Glue, Drama, Hurt Locker.

4. Secret - recommended songs: Poison, Shy Boy, Starlight Moonlight, Yoohoo, Talk That

5. T-ara - recommended songs: Bo Peep Bo Peep, Why are you Being like this?, Number 9, Roly Poly, Sugar Free

6. Rainbow - recommended songs: Mach, A, Tell me Tell Me, Cha Cha, Sunshine

7. AOA - recommended songs: Mini Skirt, Short Hair, Heart Attack, Like a Cat, Confused

8. STELLAR - recommended songs: Marionette, Fool, Vibrato, Mask, Sting

9.  Brown Eyed Girls - recommended songs: Abracadabra, Kill Bill

I’m a proud 2nd Gen Fan of the KPOP world.

i love this era bcs no overrated bands like x and x etc

note: pictures aren’t mine; here are the sources: [image 1] [image 2] [2ne1][SNSD][4Minute][KARA] [f(x)] [SISTAR] [Girl’s Day] [Apink] [Gif 1]

[resmarted]

we are eight years old when we have our first lovers’ quarrel. for being second graders, we are very darla and alfalfa, sitting together in the sandbox during our recess period because it is considered something for little kids and we are supposed to be too old for it now. we aren’t. it’s the only place we can seem to be alone, and that’s where all the trouble starts. my friends are sick of me trading them out for a girl, and i’m never sure if their jealousy is over you or me, mainly because we are all nerds and it’s weird if anyone even talks to us let alone a girl. we talk about all kinds of stuff though. you tell me what you dreamt of the night before and i dig piles of sand for you to sculpt things out of, and then we discuss what we had for lunch earlier. we don’t eat lunch together, that’s just too much. i sit with my friends and you with yours and we both hang out by the monkey bars with all our other friends at first, but slowly migrate to the sandbox and that’s when the ooh’s and ahh’s and kissy noises start. we think nothing of it at first, but the tension builds over time. one day i can be heard from across the blacktop screaming, no you’re mean! i slam a rock down when i say it in a frustrated angst and sand blows up into your eyes. you start to cry but i drop to my knees like no no, i’m so sorry, stop. i didn’t mean to, i’m so sorry! hold still and look at me and try not to blink. you do begrudgingly and suddenly i am blowing softly into them and asking if it’s helping. it’s too late though and the teacher on yard duty has been alerted, and before we know it both of our parents have been called in and i’m being suspended and have to see a therapist about my anger issues. i keep saying i didn’t hit her, it wasn’t even on purpose, but it doesn’t matter because it was an act of aggression and now i’m a problem child. you’re too scared to say anything because your parents are there and we are all in the principal’s office and the room is swelling up with pressure, everyone’s eyes are on you. i can’t even remember what we fought about, but i think it had to do with how my friends wanted to hang out that day and i figured just this once i could throw them a bone. i’ve barely seen them since our love blossomed from being randomly paired as fingerpainting buddies. ever since we’ve been inseparable and i was just trying to be fair, you know? my parents tell me to leave you alone and yours forbid you to talk to me. the teachers all know now to keep an eye on us and everyone’s watching us now, for real. we stop talking or acknowledging each other, but we deal with it in fucked up ways, like when your friends convinced you act like you were grossed out by me or when mine would suggest i still wasn’t over you and i would respond by acting like you were just another science experiment. we both bottle our feelings up until seventh grade when we are caught holding hands and kissing at a birthday party, which causes a whole new ruckus when you’ve barely recovered from the first one years earlier. by high school you have become a really surly goth girl, nothing like you were with the abercrombie crowd you were once so loyal to. in all the unlikely scenarios to happen, i became somewhat of a jock once i learned to take my aggression out with a baseball bat and eventually football. one day during junior year i get into a fight with my cheerleader girlfriend, someone whose name you once wrote next to friends 4eva on your trapperkeeper in white-out, was supposed to be my ride that day. i hadn’t taken the school bus in years and almost decided to just walk home, but then i saw you get on. something came over me and i jumped in as soon as they were about to shut the doors. you were looking out your window in a daze, music blasting into your ears, and i walk directly to the back to slide in beside you. you don’t even notice me until the bus starts moving and the first thing you do is shoot me a very angry browed stare. i start to say something but you pull your earphones off and just go, what? i try to say how’s it going and you say no i mean what are you doing here? i say there were no other seats, but there are plenty of seats. this bus doesn’t even go anywhere near my house and we both know it. you say something really vicious like the angry little chihuahua you’ve become, something like, i didn’t know your nose could detach this far from kelly’s asshole, and i can only laugh and say that’s a good one. i’m not as smart or as witty as you, i’m actually terrified of you on most days. i ask if your parents still hate me and you scoff like, why do you even care? i care. i have always cared. i’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you as far as they’re concerned, and you laugh like yeah that makes three of us. i follow you out to your stop and you look at me like i’m a crazy person before calmly walking ahead. and maybe i am a crazy person, this is a crazy person thing to do, i live nowhere near you and was banned from your life years ago. but here i am chasing after you like it’s another game of tag, except i’m following you home, uninvited and unperplexed. i just want to know why you hate me, or that’s what i say anyway. i want to know everything about you and to find a sandbox for us to dig in together and just erase all the bad parts of our impalpable history. i want to see what’s under your black nylons and what your tiny hand with the chipped black nails would look like in my beast paw. you turn around and say that you don’t hate me, in this way like i’m supposed to know. you grasp at your forehead in this frustrated way like you’re trying to explain where babies come from to a child, and these little wisps of bangs fly out from under a black beanie in the process. look i know your dad doesn’t like me and i’m not the wholesome image of the strapping young man that he expects to be in your life but, and you stop me. what? since when do you want to be in my life? ever since you let kelly give you a blowie at the spring formal you two have been inseparable. i look at you like i’m surprised you even know anything about me, and i am. look, i know kelly was your friend, and you let out a loud scream-grunt into the air. the fucked up part is that i only started talking to kelly in hopes it would get me closer to you, that maybe she would bring you up in conversation and give me hints about your life and who you are. all she did was complain and soon the friendship crumbled and after losing all hope i settled for a vapid drama queen that was just someone to kill time with. i can see your black lace bra through your white blouse, and you’ve got this black sweater and these black boots and i want to know why you’ve drained yourself of color but can’t stop staring at the way your mouth moves and how hard your stare is when you rant at me. i don’t even know what you’re saying anymore and the whole world stops when i lean in to kiss you and you grab onto my face, clawing like the little black cat that you are, and kissing me back with a force i have never felt before. you pull back and smack the shit out of me, my face beating red when you go there, is that what you wanted? we’re in a quiet suburb and everyone is inside watch tv when i drop to my knees in the middle of the street and say yes, and a million more, it’s worth every slap to me. you sneak me into your backyard and the garden your mother grew protects us from being seen when i taste you until midnight and your fingernails clench into the soil. you wear your same goth clothes the next day to school but with my letterman jacket and everyone oohs and ahhs. someone makes a shitty comment about how i’m trading a barbie like kelly for dracula’s daughter and i nearly go postal, grabbing him by the collar and slamming him against the nearest locker. i ask him to repeat what he said and he gives me that shit eating grin that i hate so i grab him by the throat. it isn’t until i hear your little voice speak up beside me like, please don’t. and so i don’t. i let him go and walk away, grabbing your hand with proudest posture. we eat lunch together alone and everyone around us gossips about it the same way they’ve done time and time again. i don’t give any fucks. you give a few fucks, but your shyness is slowly replaced with a flirtatious kind of vibrancy. we make out on the steps outside the library, my grabby hands and your thighs, god those thighs. you have been my forbidden lover since the beginning of time now and all i want to do is to feel and squeeze and touch and grab and god don’t go yet, i haven’t even felt up your boobs, your blouse still has all the buttons done. you start going to my games and i go to concerts with you for bands with names like fragile monsters and fully loaded impostors, and we manage to keep it from your parents for an entire year. when they find out, they’re too tired to even be mad about it at this point. in a surprising twist they see you as someone who is adult enough to make her own decisions and there must be something drawing us back together again and again like this. i actually end up becoming friends with your dad, the most sensational part of all. he’s glad that i got you to open up more to color again and i don’t tell him that i actually love when you dress like the craft and that is basically a form of lingerie at this point, because i don’t want to give the guy a heart attack. same goes for when he asks about the scratch mark on my face, i play it off as something that happened at practice but really i just don’t want to be like actually i was eating your daughter’s pussy so good that in a euphoric spasm it made her involuntarily claw half my face off and i fucking loved it. i fucking love you.