#It's the day of the comedies. Maybe you'll laugh a little maybe a show will put you in a good mood.

[alexjcrowley]

Aristophanes is my hater goal

[derangedanomaly]

so, what if you do a Comedian reader x Classic, Nightmare, Cross, Dust, and Killer?

(You can add horror if you want, I just would've guessed he'd be delusional to the jokes the reader makes)

AU SANSES X COMEDIAN READER

(Classic, Nightmare, Cross, Dust, Killer)

Classic:

Oh, looks like Sans found his soulmate!

The first time you told him a joke, he swore that he fell in love. Even more when you told him more.

There's never a dull moment between you two! Always cracking up jokes. (Papyrus might be going a little crazy from your puns 💀)

Is going on all of your comedy shows. Every. single. one. Don't worry, he wouldn't miss this, EVER. In return for him going on your shows, you're going to his! :)

Slowly, but surely, becomes your fan. He has your jokes memorized at this point.

No matter how much he's heard your jokes, he'll always laugh.

You give each other tips for jokes. (Each one more ridiculous, but you guys find it funny 💀)

Well, what else can I say? You're just two cuties.

Nightmare:

Rolls his eyes at your jokes. Is really not all that impressed...

Nightmare's more of a fan of dark humor, so the right way to get to him, is by telling him a dark joke.

Trust me, it'll take EVERYTHING in him to not laugh at that joke.

You decided to take on the challenge. Beginning your plan to make the king of darkness laugh.

You send many dark jokes his way, which cracked him up. But he was still holding back.

After this, he got curious and decided to go to see your comedy show. It wasn't really for him, since he doesn't share the same sense of humor, but it wasn't that bad. (Bro's actually complimenting you? 😯)

From this day forward, he'll be going to your shows undercover. (Doesn't want to get caught lacking 💀)

Cross:

Bros a lil emo, so he'll probably act like your puns are not growing on him. (They are)

You once offered to take him to see your comedy show. He denied. 🙄

After you left to your show, Cross literally LEAPED from the couch and ran to see your show! He just needed to know if your jokes are as hilarious on stage as it is in real life.

He can't lie...but he laughed his ass off over there.

He immediately paid for the next show, with you not finding out he was even there!

He can't let you know that he's really not all that mysterious! That would be embarrassing.. ;)

Loves your puns! But you'll never find out.

Killer:

He's that one type of monster to yell; "LMAO, LMFAO, LOL" out loud. His cringe ass always gets you💀🙏🏻

He'll be so proud of you! Look at you, running your own shows, bringing people joy. He's so supportive.

"YOU SEE THAT HUMAN UP THERE!? THAT'S MY HUMAN!"

You would often find yourself embarrassed on stage cause of him...

The first time he found out about you having a show, he immediately wanted to see! (Even after you denied him multiple times)

He never stops encouraging you after that. It's always one praise after another. (I need him in my life bro 😭)

Is willing to punch someone just for you, so if there would be someone creepy, trying to get a feel of you, he won't hesitate to kill him.

Dust:

He's probably the one that encouraged you to start your own show.

Look, maybe he's a little emo...but he's not that big of an emo to not at least let out laughs at your jokes.

Out of all the bad sanses, Dust is probably the one that's the most closest to his original self. (Classic) So it's not a big surprise when he starts saying his own jokes back to you.

He was the one that also helped you make your dream into reality. (Since it was his idea.)

Truly proud of you when you're on stage. Also compliments you, but not as much as Killer. Look, he doesn't wanna embarrass you. 🤷‍♀️

"Hey, you see that human up there, on the stage? The star of the show??" "Uhm...yeah?" "Heh.. that's my partner.." Cue the scene of Dust looking up at you, with a dorky look on his face. "WHAT?!"

Your fans were never the same after that. You and Dust became the targets of what's called, shipping.

Not like Dust wasn't enjoying the thought of you two being a thing ;)

[lou-struck]

Halloween Declassified

Kotaro Bokuto  x reader

Flufftober Day 11: Declassified

W.C. 2.5k

-After much prying you finally find out what happened to Bokuto at his Halloween practice two years ago.

Warnings: Mention of bare body parts, traumatizing young children for comedy, slightly suggestive behavior, use of the word sexy when describing halloween costumes. Almost nude bodies, elder abuse if you squint, scarring unnamed elementary schoolers for the polt.

"What do you think of this one?" Your boyfriend Kotaro Bokuto asks, rolling over in bed to flash his bright phone screen in your face. The two of you have been scrolling in the comfort of your bed, searching for a costume he could wear to this year's Halloween practice. "I think we have a winner."

"Let's see," you squint to readjust to his way brighter screen to see what kind of flashy, hopeful, functional costume has caught the wing spikers' attention. "Kou, are you sure you want to go with an inflatable T-Rex costume? I don't think you'll be able to move very well in that. And those suits can't get really warm, especially if you're in a gym."

" Ahhhh darn you, you beautiful voice of reason." he cries dramatically. Although he is upset that this costume is a no-go, he is growing increasingly thankful that you were there to help him plan this year. 

After two years of terrible costume malfunctions, his team manager told him that if he doesn't come to practice wearing an appropriate costume with a 0% chance of ripping or worse, he wouldn't be allowed to participate.

Your limbs are tangled together under the cool sheets as the large man decides that the costumes you are looking at on your phone are much more interesting. "Whatcha lookin' at?" he asks, blinking his owlish eyes up at you innocently. 

"The Costume shop's website to see if they have anything that looks cool." you hum, showing him the men's costume section. 

"Oh, what about that sexy ghostface costume?" he says, pointing to the Tumblr-coded, masked killer costume, complete with a model whose glistening abs peak through the stylish slits in the black robe. "After practice, maybe we could use that for laterrrr?" he wiggles his eyes at you seductively, but you just slide to the next costume.

"As cool as that looks, you won't be able to see in that mask," you say, much to your mutual disappointment. "Not to mention you're gonna trip all over that robe. Let's try something else a little more functional."

"Fine," he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. "Why do you have to be so smart and helpful all the time?"

"I love you too," you giggle, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw, effectively pulling him out of his little mood so you can get this costume ordered before next Halloween. But as you return to scrolling, there is something lingering in the back of your mind as you scan costume after costume. 

What was he wearing two years ago when the unspeakable incident occurred?

The question has teased and tormented you for almost two years now. Bokuto has been silent on it, and out of respect for him, his teammates have been sworn to secrecy. 

You have thought long and hard about what has happened and have determined that it is more than just a simple wardrobe malfunction. Kotaro has had several over the years and usually laughs them off like when he split the skeleton-printed leggings, he wore last year in two. 

Not knowing is killing you, but you love your boyfriend, and you want him to open up about it on his own time without your interference. To distract yourself, you return to scrolling with one hand and play with his hair with the other. 

"Hey, Baby?" he asks suddenly, picking up on your quietness. "What are you thinking about?"

"It's nothing," you lie, "just tired today, I guess."

"Awe, come on, I know you way better than that." he says, nudging you with his elbow," talk to meeeee."

Fueled by his whining, you take a breath. "What happened to you at that Halloween practice two years ago?" His face immediately turns bright red, and his gaze flickers to the floor. You expect him to change the subject like he's done in the past, but his answer surprises you. 

"Do you really want to know?"

"I do," you say, and he slowly gets to his feet. And walks out of the room and into your bedroom closet, of all places. You watch as he gets to his knees and slides a black cardboard box out from behind his dress shirts. Flipping over the lid, he removes what looks to be a single DVD. He holds it carefully, as if it is about to explode, and looks at you with eyes full of worry.

"If I show you this, you have to promise me something," he says hesitantly. 

The distress written on his usually cheery features makes you pause, "what is it?"

"Promise me you won't break up with me."

"I'm not going anywhere," you say, and he nods, gently taking the disc out of its case and sliding it into the DVD player. The screen comes to life as you sit down on the couch.  

The orange head of Shoyo Hinata springs onto the screen, and you realize that this is one of the old vlogs the Jackals used to make for their social media page. 

Clearly, he wasn't put in charge of the camera very often for a reason, he is far too energetic, and the camera shakes so much that you can't even see his costume clearly until he sets the camera down on to the practice bench and shows off his werewolf costume, The ripped, cutoff jeans we were wearing makes you cringe a bit, practicing in those cannot be comfortable. 

As more players arrive to the gym, Shoyo leads the viewers through their introductions and has each one show their costumes to the screen, but it is hard to pay attention, not when Kotaro sits stiffly next to you, waiting for the inevitable. 

Soon, he appears on the screen, wearing a skintight leather catsuit you know he doesn't own anymore. "Awe, Kou, you were dressed as a kitten?" You ask, turning to him curiously.

"I was a cat burglar," he admits sheepishly. But you really don't know why he is so embarrassed. This is far more covered up than some of his other costumes. If anything, he looks pretty damn good in the suit.

You tell him such, but he just shakes his head, "Keep watching."

And you do, suddenly Shoyo grabs the camera from the bench and goes to introduce some very special guests at the court. A class of elementary schoolers was led through a tour of the stadium with their chaperone, Sister Maria, a sweet-faced elderly nun.

Oh great… Children and an actual Nun, what could possibly go wrong?' you think to yourself. 

The vlog continues, and your boyfriend fast-forwards through it, not wanting to suffer any longer than necessary. Watching a dozen players warm up and do run drills until they finally start to play a scrimmage at 6x speed is unbelievably funny. 

At a water break, the playback speed slows to normal, and you see him reappear on the screen. In the catsuit, he is sweating buckets, but he looks happy. "Someone pass me the water," he gasps as a training assistant presses one in his sweaty hand. "Man, it's hot in here."

"Bokuto, you are sweating like a pig," Sakusa says, wrinkling his nose in disgust. You notice that he is the only one in the gym not wearing a costume. 

"No, I'm just glistening," he jokes, earning a laugh from the kids watching the practice. "What do you think y/n will say when they see my super cool costume???"

"You are so cool, Bokuto," Hinata gushes. "I'm sure they will love it."

"Thank man," he grins, patting his friend on the back. When he sets his now empty water bottle down onto the bench. He looks into the camera and winks. "Hey hey hey, guess who's gotta pee?" He walks back toward the bathroom, and the vlog resumes the water break segment. 

Glancing at your boyfriend, his nervous expression tells you that the incident will be occurring soon. Back on the screen, you notice that he has not returned from the bathroom yet. After a few minutes, Meian grows concerned and turns to Atsumu in his superhero costume. "Can you go check on Bokuto? We need to get back to the match."

"Sure thing," the setter says, jogging away. 

In real time, Bokuto starts to fast forward again and you notice that he has still not come back from the bathroom yet. You watch at triple speed as Meian sends Kiyoomi and then Hinata to check on him. The latter of which decides to take the camera with him…

The speed returns to normal, and now that the camera is no longer inside the echoing gym, you can clearly hear the sound of yelling through the empty halls.

Even though Shoyo's hand is covering the speaker you know that scream belongs to your boyfriend. The camera wobbles as the shorter man begins to run. Meanwhile, Kotato's hands dig nervously into the couch cushions. 

Two sets of eyes are fixed on the screen as the screaming gets louder and louder the closer the camera gets to the locker room. Shoyo reaches out to open the door when suddenly it flies open to reveal both Atsumu and Kiyoomi trying desperately to help a wiggling Cat Burgular Bokuto out of his costume. 

His face is twisted in pain as the Ginger asks the question on the forefront of your mind "What the heck is going on right now?

"Zipper's stuck," he cries. "And I really have to pee. I feel like I'm gonna die here.

"That's what ya get for chugging all that water," Atsumu says with a snort.

"This is disgusting; why are you so slimy?" The black-haired man gags, holding the suit like it is a soiled rag.

Bokuto's face turns white as a sheet. And he says to his friends… "Guys, I don't think I just have to pee anymore."

"You mean like a number two?" Hinata says, still holding the camera for some reason.

"Hey, why is he still recording this?" you ask your boyfriend, "I feel like that is breaking a few privacy rules shooting in the locker room."

"There's a reason why we don't make vlogs anymore," he mutters. And you watch back to the screen. 

"Stop pulling it, Miya," Sakura scolds frantically. "It's gonna rip."

"M' tryin', but the damn zipper won't budge, and if this thing blows, I don't wanna be a part of this mess."

"Guys just rip it off. I don't care anymore," he yells, looking more distressed than you have ever seen him look. Clearly, this is concerning his teammates, too, and both men start to tug furiously at the elastic costume. It stretches in some places and pulls in the others like some kind of cursed straight jacket.

"God, it's stuck to him like glue," Hinata says, still recording for the plot.

"It's sweat," Sakusa says, wrinkling his nose in disgust, and you have to give him credit; although he looks like he is about to barf, the clean freak athlete is still trying to help his friend. 

They continue to struggle and tug at the costume until Asumu manages to free Bokuto's arms from the dark confines. "It's rippin'," the faux blonde man sighs in relief, and they tug at the outfit with newfound strength. 

Suddenly, the costume rips in two, and Kotatro stumbles forward, the momentum sending him past Hinata and pushing through the locker room door, crashing into a concerned-looking sister, Maria, who just happened to be wandering by.

When the nearly naked man lands on top of the nun, she lets out a terrified scream.

And that's not even the worst part. The second your boyfriend hits the ground, his body involuntarily lets out the longest fart you have ever heard. And his features twist from discomfort to relief.  "Oh, thank god, it was just gas." he sighs, but the second he realizes the predicament he is in, his face falls, and he gets off the nun as quickly as he can. 

"Sister Maria!" a child screams in horror, watching the athletes try to help the elderly woman up while also trying to hang on to his shredded clothing.

"What have you done to our teacher?" another cries as Meian bursts into the hallway. Looking around at the odd scene in front of him.  He immediately springs forward and helps the fallen woman, who is now blushing furiously. 

The Captain's eyes snap to Hinata. "What are you doing over there? Turn that camera off and help." The screen goes dark, and you stare at your boyfriend's reflection in the darkened TV screen in stunned silence. 

"So…What do you think?" he asks nervously.

"Was. was the nun okay?" you mumble out as your brain tries to comprehend what exactly you just watched. 

"She was a bit shaken up about the whole thing, but the kids were the ones freaking out," he says, fiddling with his fingers. "I keep waiting for the day they bill me for their therapy appointments."

You nod, but I doubt it will ever get that far. The situation may have been embarrassing for him, but the story overall was wildly entertaining. 

Out of every way this could've gone, tackling a nun and letting one rip was nowhere closer to where this story was heading. 

"So…Do you hate me now?" he asks, and he has this sort of raw seriousness on his face that makes your heartache. 

"Of course not," you laugh quickly, placing your hand over his own. "I'd never hate you. But I don't really understand why you didn't think you could talk to me about this."

He takes a deep breath and meets your gaze, "I was worried that you would just see me as the loud guy who just messes things up. You deserve to be with the guy who's got it all going on, not the guy who traumatizes children."

You pause for a moment and regard his words carefully. Kotaro Bokuto is many things; he's kind, funny, and extremely loyal. He is driven and knows exactly what he wants to do in his life. He is anything but a screw-up, especially to you. 

True, he will never win a round of jeopardy, and sometimes, he leaves the toilet seat up in the middle of the night, but he is a light in your life that you never want to live without. 

"I love you." you say at last, pressing a soft kiss to his fidgeting hands, "And there is nothing that you could do that would make me stop. Even if you manage to horrify a whole generation of children with your malfunctions."

The change in his demeanor is instant and he perks up like a golden retriever getting offered a treat. He places his hand on his heart and exhales boisterously. "Man, it feels good to get that off my chest. Thanks for that babe." 

"Anytime," you chuckle as he peppers your face with eager, thankful kisses.

Tagging: @pixelcafe-network @ambiguouslady42

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

Wash Day With Venom & Eddie

Pairing: Eddie Brock x Black!Reader x Venom

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: none it's very cute

Genre: fluff, I'd say a lil comedy cuz Eddie and Venom are a very unserious duo

Summary: Venom is curious about how you wash your hair

***

You check the clock on the wall as the latest episode of your current date night watch with Eddie comes to an end and let out a sigh realizing you have to get going. You stand up and stretch with Eddie and Venom turning down the volume on whatever preview Netflix is playing.

"Alright, boys I have to get going now." You say leaning down to kiss Eddie's cheek.

"WHAT?! WHY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPENDING THE NIGHT!" Venom stretches his head to look at you closely when you stand back up.

"I can't tonight V, I have today is wash day." You tell him petting the top of his head.

"LIKE FOR YOUR LAUNDRY?!"

"No sweetie, for my hair." You smile.

"WASH IT HERE."

"I don't have any of my hair products here Venom I can't do that." You laugh.

"USE EDDIE'S. HE HAS THAT HAIR SOAP TOO. RIGHT EDDIE?"

"No way. My hair is far too temperamental for me to just be borrowing any old shampoo. She has very specific requirements." You say.

"ISN'T IT ALL THE SAME?"

"No Venom it's not. My hair is very different than Eddie's so it requires very different care." You chuckle.

"OH. SO BRING YOUR PRODUCTS HERE. I WANT TO SEE THIS DIFFERENT CARE."

"You're surprisingly curious about this, but I'm not bringing all my hair care here that's quite a few items."

"SO WE WILL COME TO YOUR PLACE." Venom declares.

"Venom bud, I know you wanna spend every moment of every day with her but we gotta let her have her personal time ya know." Eddie steps in.

"I WANT TO SEE HOW SHE WASHES HER HAIR!" Venom glares at Eddie.

"We know but maybe that's not something she wants to show you." Eddie says.

"It's a long process V, takes like an hour and you are not exactly known for your patience." You say.

"AN HOUR?! EDDIE'S HAIR TAKES LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES IN THE SHOWER EVERY OTHER DAY!"

"Eddie's hair gets gross and oily much quicker than mine. Washing it that often would pretty much destroy it."

"Hey! My hair does not get gross, okay?" 

"Because you wash it regularly. My point still stands what happens to you in like 3 days would take at least a month or two for my type of hair. Probably longer. That's not important. V, it takes a long while to wash."

"I CAN BE PATIENT!" Venom protests.

"I actually don't think you can." Eddie snorts.

"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?"

"No, not at all." He shakes his head.

"PLEASE LITTLE DROP, LET US COME OVER SO I CAN WATCH YOU WASH YOUR HAIR." Venom turns his attention back to you.

"If, and I do mean if, if I let you guys come to my place so you can satisfy your curiosity I don't want to hear a single complaint about how long it takes V." You point a finger at him.

"I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHEN I'M WITH YOU." He offers a smile.

"That was very smooth." Eddie says with surprise.

"Also, no distracting. It already takes long enough, and I have to get it done. I mean it Venom you can't get all handsy with me when I'm in the shower."

"I CAN BEHAVE!"

"You have to. Or you'll have to leave. Once the hair washing has started I can't really just stop the process in the middle. I'm serious V."

"I WILL BE ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR. I PROMISE."

"Venom our girlfriend isn't an observational study you know you can't just watch her doing everyday tasks like that." Eddie chuckles.

"IS IT NOT NORMAL TO WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SOMEONE YOU LOVE? I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU." Venom says to him.

"It's fine to want to know about her sure, but don't treat her regular tasks like they're something strange."

"I DON'T THINK THEY'RE STRANGE BUT THEY'RE DIFFERENT THAN YOURS AND I'M CURIOUS."

"Okay boys don't fight. I know you're being considerate Eddie and I appreciate that advocacy but Venom is an alien so I feel like this curosity is pretty standard for him and I don't really mind." You jump in before the two of them get into it like they so often do.

"I just don't want you to be uncomfortable. I know being watched while washing your hair can be weird." Eddie frowns.

"I'd probably be uncomfortable if it was anyone but Venom so I get where you're coming from." You shrug.

"I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AND I WILL DO MY BEST NOT TO ACT LIKE I'M STUDYING YOU BUT CAN WE GO NOW?" Venom asks making you and Eddie laugh at his impatience.

"Fine! We'll go." Eddie rolls his eyes. Venom at this point takes over and scoops you into his arms suddenly, swinging out of Eddie's window.

"Venom we could've walked!" You shout.

"THIS IS QUICKER!" Venom insists. It's only a couple of moments before Venom opens your window and climbs inside.

"Geez you're impatient." You huff out a laugh as you take your shoes off and toss them by the door. You head into your room to grab a t-shirt and your comb before going to your bathroom with Venom tailing behind you. You get into your shower and run the warm water over your hair for several minutes. Venom gives Eddie back his body now but the alien stretches his neck enough to watch over the top of your shower.

"I cannot believe you dragged us here to watch her wash her hair." Eddie scoffs.

"Welcome back Eddie." You laugh.

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMPLAIN I WILL JUST TAKE THE BODY BACK. SHE SAID WE CAN ONLY STAY IF WE DON'T COMPLAIN." Venom says.

"Well technically the condition was you don't complain about how long this whole thing takes you tell Venom. You laugh as you put in your shampoo and scrub at your scalp until there's a decent lather. You rinse it thoroughly before turning the water off for the next part.

"ARE YOU DONE?" Venom asks and Eddie snorts out a laugh.

"No, not done, but the next part takes the longest and if I left the water on it would get cold before I got out of here." You explain as you run decent amounts of conditioner through your hair.

"THE NEXT PART?"

"I'm putting in conditioner and then I have to detangle my hair."

"DE...TANGLE?"

"Dude I'm sure you know that means." Eddie says.

"SURE BUT NOT WITH HAIR."

"It means the same thing regardless of the context V, my hair is very thick it gets tangled with itself after a while so I have to use a comb to get work out the knots." You explain as you start to work the comb through your hair in small sections.

"EDDIE HAS A COMB. IT'S MUCH SMALLER."

"Yeah, that's mostly a styling comb. Plus his hair is thinner. My hair would... probably break those combs." You tell him.

"DO ALL WOMEN DO THIS?"

"Well it's not a woman specific thing. Really just anyone with long hair probably has a similar process but how time consuming it is depends on a few things though, length, texture, thickness- that sort of thing. Thick coily hair, like mine, which is common for Black people takes longer than straight hair, like Eddie's when he goes to long without a haircut."

"Hey! I rock the longer hair." Eddie protests.

"Eddie you hate when your hair gets too shaggy." You laugh.

"Not always. Do you think it looks bad?"

"No but I think you don't like taking proper care of your hair when it gets too long."

"Y/N I LIKE YOUR CURLS."

"Thank you, so do I. That's why I don't mind the maintenance of spending half an hour detangling it. Plus I get to do so much with it as far as styling goes." You shrug.

"OH LIKE WHEN YOU HAD THOSE ROPE-LIKE THINGS IN YOUR HAIR."

"They're called braids Venom. I told you this before." Eddie tsks at him while you chuckle.

"BRAIDS. WILL YOU DO THEM AGAIN? YOU HAD THEM WHEN YOU AND EDDIE FIRST STARTED DATING."

"Yeah, I'm actually planning to do them tomorrow. I typically don't do them in the summer that's why it's been while." You tell him.

"HOW DO YOU DO THEM?" Venom asks.

"I can show you, tomorrow if you'd like to see how it works. It's a little hard to explain really."

"I WOULD LIKE TO SEE!" He nods excitedly. You put down the comb with a small huff, satisfied with the detangling you've done.

"Venom." Eddie sighs.

"Then if Eddie isn't busy tomorrow you guys can come by while I do my hair." You say grabbing your bodywash and washcloth. You give the conditioner a few minutes to sit in your hair by washing your body and face first.

"WHY DO IT TOMORROW AND NOT TONIGHT?" Venom asks.

"Because it takes hours and I'd be up all night if I tried to do it now. Plus I try not to use the hairdryer if I don't have to and braiding wet hair if you plan to keep the braids in is a bad idea. It needs to be dry first so I do that overnight." You wash the conditioner out of your hair careful to minimize retangling.

"SO DOING YOUR HAIR IS A TWO DAY PROCESS?"

"Only if I plan to do anything else with either day. Like if I had gotten up super early and washed my hair, let it dry throughout the day I could maybe have been doing it through the evening but- I don't like to spend a continuous twenty-four hours on my hair so, there's that." You shrug.

"WOW. EDDIE NEVER TAKES THAT LONG TO DO HIS HAIR."

"I don't have enough hair to justify taking this long." Eddie says.

"Yeah but lucky for me the day-to-day styling can be pretty minimal it's just upkeep days like this that are extensive but they aren't super frequent. At most few times a month depending on the style I have in and how busy I am. Some styles let me get away with a whole month plus." You tell him turning off the shower and opening the door. You dry off your body and wrap the t-shirt around your hair.

"YOU USE A T-SHIRT FOR YOUR HAIR AND NOT A TOWEL?" Venom tilts his head curiously at you.

"Yeah- towel fabrics can be pretty harsh on my hair so I use a t-shirt instead because, like I said earlier, it's very temperamental." You tell him going back to your bedroom once you're not trailing water. Eddie takes a seat at your desk.

"NOW WHAT?" Venom asks while you put on lotion.

"Now, I get dressed, dry my hair with this t-shirt, enough that it won't soak through my hair cover, and then have a snack before going to bed. Since I ate dinner with you guys." You tell him.

"OH. YOUR HAIR REALLY DOES TAKE A WHILE." Venom hums.

"Yeah I told you, but I'm mostly done for the night besides drying it so if you wanna head out now you can." You say with a shrug as you put on some pajamas.

"Curiosty satisfied Venom?" Eddie asks.

"WE WILL BE BACK TOMORROW." Venom announces.

"Venom I don't just sit around all day you know we might have something to do-"

"You don't have to be with me the whole day babe, it's a fairly repretative process so you can swing by for like twenty minutes just so Venom can see how it works and then you can have the rest of your day back." You say kissing Eddie lightly.

"Fine when's a good time?"

"I'll be at it most of the afternoon so, if you come before five I'll for sure have some left to show Venom." You say.

"Sounds good, I'll text you."

"Sure thing."

"Have a good night sweetheart." He says to you. "Alright Venom, since you got us here. Take us home." Eddie tells Venom.

"CAN DO!" Venom takes over from Eddie again and pulls you into a tight hug. "I AM VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU TOMORROW LITTLE DROP!" He tells you.

"See you tomorrow my loves." You say once Venom puts you back down. He's down the hall and out your window living room very quickly and you shut the window behind them going back to your room to finish drying your hair. Even with as long as he's been here, Venom's curiosity seems to be neverending, but you'll never complain about the way he seems so interested in every single thing you do. Even something as monotonous and time consuming as doing your hair.

***

[littlegodzilla]

Okay, okay, Who likes weird stories? Who likes the paranormal and the mysterious? Me! Who is incapable of writing anything short in his life? Me too!

Well, I love this request, all the mystery, the magic, the intrigue that this story can have, I wanted to do a one shot, at first, but I started writing and I was unable to stop. I'll post the first part, the story has a lot to offer yet, it's just a little taste of what can happen....

Hope you'll like it!!

Enjoy!!

****************

Back to Our World.

Norman Reedus x Reader.

Part 1. Request.

Requested by @minervadashwood (thank you I love writing it!): maybe season 3 of the walking dead is shooting. reader and norman have had a love scene together, since then they've become like...idk fuck buddies? but reader has feelings for him. he'll be goofy and just say "i love you" and then laugh (like he does with andy?, so she knows he doesn't mean it. Perhaps late one night they are rehearsing an argument for the show,and they're the only people on the set. Then, the worst storm georgia has ever seen rolls in, and lightning strikes the set, the two of them get knocked out. when they wake up, they're dressed as their characters.

all the other actors are on set, but there's no crew. very weird. they try to chat with andy or melissa, but neither one of them respond to those names, the the others start to get suspiscious of reader and daryl. Like they have working cell phones (no service, but they light up and stuff). Reader has a tattoo on her arm that isn't visible on the show...stuff like that maybe?

anyway, they have to pretend to be daryl and reader's character to keep anyone from shooting them. so they're sharing a mattress at night, acting like a couple, etc.

Warnings: Eventual Smut. Fantasy. TWD Stuff. Some Comedy. Romance and fluff.

Words: 9000

*******************

The mattress creaks again and again with each thrust, each time the moans get louder, the echo of sweaty skins in a room enveloped in a warm, moist atmosphere until both bodies fall exhausted on the bed.

This has been going on since the end of The Walking Dead's first season. After the CDC episode, Daryl and your character had a torrid scene, wrapped in a lot of alcohol and remorse the next day, but the moment was intimate and sexually tense between you and the actor who plays Daryl, Norman Reedus. At first it didn't seem to change anything, but after a couple of weeks, Norman started texting you to propose talking after filming, going down town for lunch, or just clearing your mind from the whole day's work. You took those invitations as something between friends, something innocent, but then everything changed and one night your talk ended up in his trailer, and the two of you in his bed. After that night, there have been others, it's not something that happens every day, but the two of you seek each other out and accept each other's company assiduously. You never talked about it, even when the season ended you thought it would end, that it would not happen again, but it didn't, when you discovered that Norman kept writing you from time to time, asking you how you were and if you felt like seeing each other.

Things were still not exactly clear with your meetings, but you couldn't say no to him, you liked spending the day and nights with him, not only is he a great lover, Norman has proved that to you on more than one occasion, but he is also a good friend, he is funny and crazy at times, protective and confidant on many other occasions.

You have to admit that, perhaps unplanned, you've fallen a little in love with him.

Maybe a lot.

"Are you okay, honey?" his voice brings you back to that very moment. "Have I been too intense?"

"N-no, it's been great, as always." You mumble and look up at him with a shy smile. Norman smiles and pulls you to him, using his chest as a pillow.

"Good girl, you always know how to make me feel good." He jokes and you both laugh low.

You're struggling not to fall asleep, it's been a long day on the film set, the Georgia heat is taking its toll on all of you, plus all the hours doing and undoing the same takes until they come out right. The pleasant warmth of Norman's body, his comfort, his fingers brushing against your skin, are guiding you into a slow but pleasant slumber. Norman turns his head to look at you, your eyes are already closed, which makes him smile, his other hand strokes your hair, you open your eyes a little and he kisses your forehead.

"Rest, beautiful, I'm leaving now." He tells you releasing your body.

"Y-you can stay here..." You offer. You never stay in each other's trailer, always, after sex you say goodbye and go back to your trailers. It's not like your partners don't know what's going on, but you try to be discreet.

"No, I want you to rest." He leans over and kisses you on the head again. "I'll see you tomorrow on set."

One of the other stipulations of your encounters is that Norman never kisses you. No matter how intense, how needy and desperate the situation. His mouth never touches yours. He may touch the rest of your body, every crease and corner, but never your lips. You found it frustrating at first, now you've learned to accept it.

"Okay..." You whisper, curling up on the bed, covering your nakedness with the sheets as you watch him get dressed, he leaves his pants and slippers unfastened, his trailer is not far from yours, so he doesn't need to dress too much.

He gives you one last look, a smile and a wink before leaving the room, in the distance the echo of the door closing. You sigh long and close your eyes. It doesn't take you long to fall asleep, you're exhausted, but your mind wanders between confused and restless dreams.

*************

The third season begins in an exciting way, after losing the farm, your whole group has to go on the road, Lori is very pregnant and the group begins to doubt Rick's leadership. Daryl and your character are a couple now, their bond has been growing stronger since the night of the CDC and especially after the days at Greene Farm and the loss of Sophia. The scenes you're filming now are close to the prison, the house you'll have throughout that season, but it won't be easy for you to maintain. You're still starting and you know for sure it's going to be long months, with little sleep and too much repetition. But there's a reason you love acting and you wouldn't trade it for anything.

That morning, as you eat breakfast, you still feel a little sore from the night before, some glances fall on you, there are mischievous smiles, but no one says anything, they know you are shy about it. Sometimes you talk to Melissa or Lauren, you need to talk it over with someone, if only to clear your own mind.

"Don't get too attached to him." Lauren once advised you. "Remember, you're not his first 'friend' here." She gives you an intense look.

It's true, Norman and Laurie Holden also had their moment very early in the series. It was like an immediate connection between them, but it didn't last too long, they're good friends now, to be honest you don't know if they still see each other when he's not with you. You don't really want to know either, you live better in ignorance.

"I know, it's not like Norman is forcing me either..." You defended him.

"I'm just saying don't tell him anything about how you feel. Avoid hurting yourself further." He advises you and you take his advice.

Melissa didn't talk much, she was friends with both of you, possibly Norman's confidant too, if he ever had any doubts about your fuck buddy relationship. You still seek her advice from time to time, but you've learned to hide your feelings for Norman, or at least you hope you have.

"Good morning." You hear his voice, approaching towards the scene you are all in, he is already characterized as Daryl, some dirt on his skin, hair combed flat ironed, his skin already starting to acquire some sweat due to the climate of the area and the time he has been held in the makeup trailer. Your eyes roam his whole body, the movement of his step, his arms dancing on both sides of his body, his feet stepping hard, being dragged by the weight of his own body, you have always noticed that he walks with his right foot leaning slightly inwards, a small deviation that surely no one has detected, a small flaw, although Norman is far from being a perfect man. A smile comes across your face, a chuckle escapes you and that catches your companion's attention.

"Good morning." He greets you and you nod.

"Good morning." You reply, he walks over and holds out a bottle of water in his hand. "You should keep it to yourself, you're sweating more than I am." You try to joke and watch as he smiles and bites his tongue.

"I have another one for me, here, I don't want you to faint from the heat." He insists and the cool body of the bottle touches your face giving you goosebumps.

"Thank you." You accept the bottle, when you take it your fingers brush against each other.

"Good girl." He smiles and walks away to return with the rest of the team.

You feel yourself gasping for breath, he always has that effect on you. No matter what he does, Norman always disarms you even if he only brushes against you by accident. You shake your head trying to regain your composure, drink from the bottle and focus on your work.

The shots follow one after the other throughout the day, as a group, individually, with Norman, you stop for lunch, pick up where you left off, try to record the scenes that were strange, again, and then stop once more for a bite to eat. You're done for the day, which gives you a few hours of breathing room. Lauren smiles at you in greeting as she walks over to you and sits down next to you.

"What a day." You snort, exhausted.

"Yeah, I'm not quite used to the heat." You joke and laugh with her, you're not a fan of the sun either, nor the heat.

"Luckily we're done for the day."

"Yeah, how are you, I noticed you were a little lost this morning." She asks looking at you with some concern and you feel your cheeks burning.

"Have you noticed? Last night Norman and I were together..." You tell him. "I didn't expect anyone to notice..."

"It always happens to you after you've been with him, I start to get curious about his abilities." You know she means it as a joke and to tease you, but you can't help a tug of suspicion in your stomach. Still, you have no right to. You and Norman don't have an established relationship, so you couldn't stop them if it happened.

"He's there, I'm sure if you proposed he wouldn't give it much thought." You try to play along with his joke, but your voice wavers for a second.

"And it'd make me a shitty friend, plus Norman's not my type." She shrugs. "Have things changed between you?" she ventures to ask.

"No... I remember you were the one who told me not to say anything to him." You look at her curiously. "And I actually think it's for the best... I'll have fewer headaches. If I focus on it being a sexual-only relationship, that outside of that we're just friends... I don't feel as much anxiety." You try to convince yourself, Lauren looks at you wanting to believe it too.

"I think whatever you do it's going to hurt just the same...I know that's not great advice, I'm sorry."

"I consider you a good friend because you're always honest with me, and I appreciate that. I'm not going to get my hopes up about him, but I'm going to..."

"Who aren't you going to get your hopes up about?" You hear close to where you are and your heart stops for a second.

Norman is in front of you, playing with a finished water bottle in his hands, his eyes are dwarfed from the direct sun, but he has a curious look on his face. You're cut off at the drop of a hat, but Lauren speaks for you.

"We were talking about boys." She comments and that gets the actor's attention even more. "There's a guy who wants to date her." She lies and you open your eyes wide. "I was telling her to try it, that she might like it."

"Really?" Norman's voice sounds like a squeak. "Who is it? You hadn't told me anything."

"I didn't..." You stammer, but clear your throat, trying to appear normal. "I didn't think you cared."

"It's not that... well we're friends, I thought you had confidence for that..." He tries to justify himself.

"It's just that we haven't talked much yet... we're just getting to know each other." You lie to him too, you don't even know why you're playing along with Cohan, but the grimace of doubt on Norman's face forces you to lie.

"Okay..." It's the last thing he says before he walks away, leaving you alone again.

"Can you explain what that was about?" You ask your friend.

"I think Norman has gotten used to having you whenever he feels like it, you always go along with his plan, well maybe that he thinks you're no longer as available as he wants you to be... he moves things around."

"What if he moves them for the worse? I don't want to lose what we have either."

But Lauren doesn't respond, she just shrugs, leaving you there again, as she does have some more scene to shoot with her father and future husband. You smile, you like the story they are building for her character, Maggie, there is going to be a lot of drama for her, but she is still a strong character that is growing and changing with each new season. Your character has also changed since your first scene in Atlanta. You've gone from a scary woman to a strong, feisty woman, you've been taught how to shoot and fight and the dead have become your focus, as well as protecting those you now consider your family, of course. Plus having Daryl by your side, is a moral support your character needs to keep developing, you are also going to have ups and downs with some appearances like Merle and doubts in Daryl that will make them falter a bit, but you like the subplot they are forming for the two of you. You have to admit that at first it was a little scary being Daryl Dixon's girlfriend, everyone had accepted the redneck with their arms up in the air and at first your character was just the vixen who had dropped her panties for him. There was a lot of back and forth, awkward questions at conventions and really hairy situations on the internet, but as the episodes went on people came to accept what was being created and your relationship is now well received, although there are still misgivings on some sides.

That night you prepare for a quiet dinner in your caravan. You stopped filming a few hours ago. The skies in Georgia were getting rough and at that time of year it's best not to push your luck when a storm rolls in, so you stopped all filming and returned to your caravans. In the distance you hear the storm brewing as you settle into your couch, legs propped up on the cushion as you stir the food before you start. You hear knocking on the door of your trailer and you stand still for a moment, instinctively looking at your cell phone for a message from Norman, but there is nothing. The knocking is repeated, you leave your food on the table and get up, wiping your hands before opening the door. Norman is on the other side, chewing his lip several times, he's wearing his usual clothes, but between his hands he's wringing out what looks like his character's script.

"Norman?" You look at him in confusion.

"Did I catch you busy? I can come back another time."

"N-no I was just going to grab some dinner, nothing else, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just that I was going over the script between our characters and there are a couple of scenes I'd like to go over..."

"Okay... Now?" you're still a little confused, but he nods. If it's some method to get through the night with you, it's the first time he's used that tactic. It's not like he needs an excuse to show up there either, really. "It's okay, come in." You offer and leave the door open, walking back to your couch. "Do you want something to eat?"

"No, I had something to eat in my trailer before I came." He shrugs and sits down next to you.

"Good, then I'll take my diner later."

"No, finish up, I came unannounced. I don't mind waiting." He says sincerely and stands up then points to your kitchen. "Can I grab a beer?"

"Yeah, sure, help yourself." You smile picking up your plate again.

You don't like beer, its bitter taste has always been unpleasant on your tongue, but since you started with the series you always have some in the fridge for when you have company, not only from Norman, also from your friends or when you have a birthday party or when the end of the season recording is near, to celebrate that the work is almost done. You like to watch Norman move naturally and normally around your 'house' knowing every nook and cranny, where things are, where you keep them and what he can and can't touch. Again he sits down next to you taking a swig of his beer and puts a juice next to your plate. You smile and your heart flips, maybe you wouldn't really give it a thought, but it's funny how much the man seems to know you.

"What is it?" You decide to cut through the silence, focus on why he's there with you.

"The scene?" he shakes his head as you nod. "I notice they're making Daryl very..." He remains quiet, searching for the word. "Social? My intention is to make him weird and distrustful, he may have loyalty to the group, but with his wariness, like in the early seasons, but since he's had a girlfriend they're making him a cheesy guy." He explains, you get a chuckle and he smiles amused. "No offense, I love spending time with you, honey, but I'm a guy from the mountains, an alpha male, a hunter, troubled, with a shitty past. You can't melt me like that." He jokes and your laughter grows louder.

"Oh forgive me, Mr. badass for turning you human." You joke once again, his sly grin charms you and always gives you goosebumps. "What's your plan?"

"I want him to love his family, his girl, but in his own way, I want to study the script with you and see how I can fit it in without making it too weird or cold... Does that make sense?"

"Okay, we can try a few scenes and see what we get out of it."

Norman seems content with your words. He takes one more drink of his beer, you're finishing your dinner, in the distance you can hear the thunder of the storm. You've never had a problem with them, you like them, the smell of wet grass has always relaxed you, but when the lights on your trailer flicker you can't help but worry.

"There's a good storm coming." Your coworker comments and you nod.

"Looks like it... it's not like it's the first time we've had to work in pouring rain." You say and he nods.

"Worst week of my life, I don't think I've ever had so much snot." He jokes and you laugh again.

"You were still the cutest redneck on the set." You poke him and he snorts in amusement.

"I love you too, honey." He says with a teasing tinge. "Shall we practice a little?" he offers and you nod.

Because the storm seems to be getting closer and closer, you decide to stay in your trailer to rehearse dialogue, after picking up all your dinner, you look up your own manuscript of your character so you can reply to his, to create the scene between you as best you can. When Norman starts talking you realize right away what he's referring to. Daryl has taken a drastic turn with his personality, you're sure people will like that he's more approachable, that he wants to take care of his friends and the place they now want to call home, but for you it's also hard to fit in that the hunter is all the time thinking about your character or talking about her, using all those affectionate nicknames. Corny, as Norman has defined it.

"Okay, I see where your concern lies." You tell him after rehearsing a few sentences.

"Right? That's not my Daryl... I don't know if I should talk to Greg and the others..." He comments scratching the back of his neck.

"Greg always listens to you when there's something about Daryl that worries you, maybe between the two of you you can find a balance."

"I'll talk to him first thing..." He nods, a loud rumble makes you both jump. The storm is over the recording area. "Maybe I should get back before it starts raining."

"Why don't you stay?" You invite him feeling your pulse quicken. "It could be dangerous..."

"Are you afraid I might get struck by lightning?" he says amused, but you're not amused.

The weather in that part of the state at that time of year can be unstable and dangerous, it's an area of possible hurricanes, flooding from big storms and some landslides, so Norman joking about a possible lightning strike hitting you might be more possible than hitting the lottery.

"I'm just saying stay over, you can use the couch, if you want..." You insist, Norman watches you carefully, sighs and opens the door to the caravan.

"Come on, you'll see, it's just a storm." He takes your hand and you both get out of the vehicle.

You regret having followed him the second your feet touch the ground, the place starts to get wet from a very fine rain that is shaken by a wind that is getting stronger and stronger, swirling your clothes and hair. The eye of the storm is right above you, the clouds, even though it is night, look completely black, lightning appears and disappears inside them, illuminating them, a whirlpool is forming right above the film set, those huge clouds seem to be creating the eye of the hurricane and fear takes hold of you. It's not a normal storm, it doesn't even look like a storm, it's more like it wants to absorb the place, but no one else has noticed, around you everything remains impassive, your companions are sleeping in their caravans, oblivious to the strong wind and the violent movement of all the objects around you. You look at Norman, his retort about there being nothing wrong with this storm has seemed to die in his mouth, his eyes are wide open, fixed on the cumulus clouds above you. The roar of thunder takes over the whole place, you jump in place when a bolt of lightning strikes directly on the ground, bursting the grass there into several pieces, creating a tiny crater. But it's not the only one, several bolts of lightning strike the ground around you, getting closer and closer. You look at Norman and hear the roar of thunder, not far away again.

"Norman!" you shout at the top of your lungs.

You reach out, wanting to grab his arm, to pull him out of the way, but you watch, helplessly, as the lightning flashes through his body, illuminating his insides like a light bulb. It passes through him completely, the electric sensation runs through every inch of his body until it is released through his fingertips, the discharge connects with your own fingers, your hand outstretched towards him receives the impact. The scream of pain dies into nothingness, the pain is intense and runs up and down you, you feel a burning sensation envelop you. You close your eyes, your body jerks and you feel yourself being pushed backwards. Before you hit the ground. You are already unconscious.

***************

You gasp loudly, opening your eyes with a start. You sit up, rubbing your body, looking for some sign on your skin, some high degree burn due to the reach of the lightning. That it was something impossible to happen. You plan to laugh in Norman's face as soon as you....

Norman.

You remember how the lightning struck his body, how it went through him like butter, you could see how his skin glowed, how it seemed to burn inside as you reached out to pull him out of the beam's path. You get up from the ground quickly, or at least as fast as your aching body allows you, the jolt you received was also violent, although it was not a direct hit, the force was also massive. You gasp looking around you, in search of your co-worker, but at the same time you want to find out what happened to the rest of the set, as you perfectly remember the lightning striking the ground uncontrollably. The fear that someone else might have been hurt shakes you.

But nothing.

Everything is fine, in fact the sky is clear, the heat is gradually taking over your skin, you hear the rustle of the birds that dawn along with the day, the earth is not wet, the craters created by the storm, don't exist, in front of you stands the prison, you are in the front yard, where all the recording equipment should be settled. But no one is there. A whimper not far from where you are catches your attention.

"My God, Norman!" you groan, running to him, kneeling beside him and helping him up from the ground, slowly. "Slowly, slowly..." You whisper and push the dirty strands of his hair away from his face, he grunts once again.

"What the fuck happened?" he snaps painfully and you deny. You don't quite know what to say.

"Do you remember the storm last night?" you try to inquire, he seems hesitant, but then hums a yes. "I think the lightning knocked us out and..." You gasp when Norman finally lifts his head. You swallow hard and scan his face in anguish.

His neck, and part of his jaw, are scarred by a rather nasty wound, it's the trace of the lightning. Where it entered, burning his skin, the shape of his jaw, going down the left side of his neck, getting lost inside his clothes, everything is a burn, you've heard and read about similar phenomena, marks left by lightning strikes on people, creating trees of light on their skin, but this is real now, it's not an article in a magazine, Norman's skin is decorated with that burn and it hurts just looking at it.

"My God..." You whisper without taking your eyes off him.

"Fuck, what happened to you?" he asks, worried.

To you? More like the question would be, what happened to him, but before you can open your mouth, Norman twists your head carefully and touches your neck. It doesn't hurt, but when his fingers touch your skin you feel it more sensitive than usual. Then you understand that you have a similar mark to his, the lightning also went through you, so it makes sense that you both have similar tattoos.

"Does it hurt?" You hear him ask you, but you shake your head.

"It's weird... it's like the whole area is numb." You say sincerely and touch his neck. "Does it hurt you?"

"No... I think my butt hurts more from the fall." He jokes and you can't help but laugh. "Sorry..." His apology makes you look at him confused. "You tried to warn me and I didn't listen... you're hurt because of me..."

"No, no... it's not your fault, it's a miracle we're both..."

"Hey, you two, is that how you stand guard? At least find yourselves a tower like Glenn and Maggie do." You hear not too far away.

You raise your heads at the same time, Andy isn't too far from where you guys are sitting on the ground. You're relieved to see that he's okay, that the storm passed without hurting anyone else, Andy is already dressed in his Rick clothes, which makes you think that it's late, that the shooting will start shortly and you're not ready yet.

"Shit, Norman, they're going to kill us." You say getting up and helping him up.

Your eyes then notice a detail that had gone unnoticed until now. Norman is wearing his Daryl clothes, the wing vest, his baggy pants, the red bandana in the back pocket of his pants, the hiking boots and... God, is that smell coming from him? You wrinkle your nose as you take a step back. Norman seems to notice and lifts his arm to sniff his own armpit.

"Hey, it's not me... well, it kinda is, but I showered yesterday, that smell isn't me." He defends himself by shaking his head.

You look around you at the side of the fence there are several extras disguised as zombies who keep panting and pushing against the metal barrier. The smell is coming from them, a mixture of blood and rotting flesh that turns your stomach.

"I think they've gone too far with the credibility of the dead..." You protest and Norman nods.

"Come on with the others, let's get something to eat before we get to filming."

"I think we should go to the hospital and get this looked at... I don't know if it's good..." You say shaking your head.

"If you guys aren't going to do your on-call shift, at least give us a heads up so someone can cover for you." Andy says when you reach his side.

"Sorry man, give me a moment and I'll get on it now, I need to get something to eat." Norman replies walking past.

"What?" asks the Brit with a frown.

"We had an accident last night with the storm, I think we're going to talk to Greg about letting us go to the hospital." You explain to Andy who opens his eyes wide.

"Who is Greg, what hospital do you intend to go to?" There is nervousness and disbelief in his voice.

"Look, Andy, I feel like a rag right now, I'm not in the mood for jokes." Norman speaks again and you watch silently as the other man's face doesn't improve.

"You called me Andy?"

"Well, okay; I got struck by fuckin' lightnin' tonight, my body hurts like hell, I just wanna eat somethin' and then get my fuckin' wound looked at, is that okay with ya, Rick?" he says with a growl at the end of the sentence, his southern accent coming out like every time he plays Daryl and you feel your core tighten at his angry tone.

"Okay, sorry, it's just... yeah, sure, go get something to eat." Andy mumbles, feeling a little uncomfortable at his partner's pissed off tone.

You look at Andrew apologetically and walk faster behind Norman to catch up, grab his hand and tug lightly to get his attention.

"Calm down, he's not to blame."

"I know, but did you see how he was looking at us? And who's Greg, really? I'm not in the mood for bullshit right now." He admits entering the cell area.

You follow him, the damp cold of the place welcomes you, something doesn't quite fit, where are the cameras? Where is the technical equipment? Your filming partners are there, but no one else, Melissa is preparing something to eat, Lauren is with Steven talking to the side, Emily with Chandler. They all seem immersed in their roles, they look at you as you enter and there is a smile on their mouths, they all say good morning to you, Norman stands there for a moment, he too has detected something that scolds him, you can tell by the way he frowns and purses his lips.

"Good morning lovebirds, would you like something to eat?" speaks Melissa.

"Thanks, but we're going to leave the set for a moment." You speak first, leaving Norman to continue thinking about what's bothering him.

"Off the set? Are you guys going out to explore? It seems to me that Rick wanted to clean up the area some more, find the cafeteria and the infirmary..." The white-haired woman comments and you frown.

Everything seems to follow the story line of the TV series, but on the other hand there are some differences that grate on your ear, technically when your characters make their way inside the prison, you already find the cafeteria and Hershel gets hurt, but here they are just gathering strength to continue exploring inside, they haven't found the prisoners who are still alive in there... you look sideways at Norman and realize that he has also discovered that detail. Something doesn't add up and you start to worry.

"Are you all right?" Emily walks over to you. "What happened to you?" she asks as she looks at the marks on your skin.

"Lightning struck us tonight." Norman replies. "We need someone to look at us and..." He falls silent as he sees they all look at him with wide eyes. "What?"

"What, what's wrong with your voice?" asks Melissa. "Since when do you talk like a city boy?"

The blood ices in your veins. You glance sideways at Norman who he seems to be holding his breath. God, there's something seriously wrong here. Norman snorts, fed up with the whole thing.

"What the fuck's wrong with y'all?"

"Ah, no, there it is, I thought so..." Melissa comments and goes on with what she's doing.

"But..."

"Daryl." You call out to him and he looks at you confused as your hand grips his arm. "Come with me for a moment, come on." You ask him and taking his hand, you walk away from the group, towards the cell area.

"What?"

"What? don't you think there's something strange here?"

"I'm not the only one who smells barbecue?"

"Yeah, that's... what? No… do you smell barbecue? Are you having a stroke?"

"That would make more sense than what's going on here."he grunts looking over your shoulder, toward the door. "Is it just me or is everyone acting really weird?"

"Yes! That's what I was trying to tell you." You fidget nervously. "Where are the filming people? Where's Greg or Angela? What about our trailers and the whole area for the technical crew personnel?" You list, he nods, reaches into his pants and pulls out his phone. "And you're dressed like Daryl, yesterday when you came to see me you were in your normal clothes."

"You're in your character's clothes too." He points grabbing the edge of your shirt. "Oh, and look at that." He lifts the shirt a little more looking at your hip.

"Norman, I don't think now is the best time..."

"It's not that, look." He insists and you look down.

What the hell? You quickly look for a mirror to look at your reflection in, lift up your two layers of t-shirts and discover that on your side, along your ribs towards your hip bone, is a long tattoo that has only been seen on your character on a few occasions, the first at the CDC on her night with Daryl, but you don't have any tattoos. You've always liked them, but you've never settled on any. Norman slowly approaches, his fingers caressing the shape of the Yggdrasil tree roots that stray down the waistband of your pants.

"It matches your new tattoo." He whispers, brushing against the lightning mark on your neck.

"Norman...you can't be getting horny now...seriously." You scold him and he growls low.

"It's not my fault, I always liked the way this tattoo looks on you, you should get a real one." He comments in your ear, his fingers rubbing the lines of the tattoo, but it doesn't fade.

"Well, it looks pretty real to me..." You turn away from him, his excitement turns to confusion and his growing erection stops.

"What's going on?" He looks at his phone again and discover there's no signal. "Shit, the lightning must have messed up the phone."

"I don't think that's it..." You whisper and look for yours, no signal either.

"Okay, say it, surprise me with your crazy idea." He says exasperated by the whole situation.

"What if we're inside the TV series? What if we're Daryl and my character for real? Or at least they think we are? What if they're all Rick, Carol, Maggie, Glenn..."

"No, are you kidding me? No." He shakes his head. "I can't be Daryl, I have no aim, I can't track, the wildest thing I've ever done in my life was cut Eye's fingernails and he almost took my eyes out. I can stick an arrow in my own foot." He protests like a little kid and you have to bite back a laugh.

That's right, Norman is the complete opposite of Daryl, and yes, you know his cat and you love how feral he becomes when his master tries to do anything to him. Norman shoots you a pointed look, you raise your hand in peace, nodding your head.

"I'm not like my character either, I've never fired a gun and I'm certainly not as agile, nor as flexible as her, I've never fought anyone hand to hand..."

"You seem pretty flexible to me..."

"Norman!" You scold him again. "Please take it seriously!"

"I can't! This is absurd! What do you expect us to do? Pretend we're our characters and what? Fight the dead? We know what's going to happen and there's nothing pretty."

"I know that, but we have to do something!" You're quiet for a moment, thoughtful. Norman is right, you guys know what's going to happen all season, all the partners you're going to lose, the new ones coming in... the Governor.... "This is crazy..."

"I think we should wake them all up, or maybe we should wake up ourselves, it's possible that with the lightning we've gone into a coma or something."

"And we're both living the same thing? Come on."

"Maybe you're a hallucination, or maybe I'm a hallucination..." You cut off what he's saying by giving him a gentle slap. Norman looks at you with wide eyes. "What was that all about!"

"Did that hurt? Then you're not a hallucination, and neither am I. There's something very ugly going on here. And we have to find out what it is."

"How can you be so calm?"

"I'm not, Norman! But I'm trying to be rational and think something logical. I want to go home, I want to go back to our world. I don't like zombies, I don't like having to kill or watch anyone die. Have you thought about the possibility that we could die here? If one of those things bites us or if someone shoots us..."

"Shit..." he gasps as he becomes aware of that. "We have to get out of here..."

"Is everything okay?"

You both jump at the same time, in front of your cell door is Melissa, or Carol, looking at you with concern, you throat clears and shake your head.

"A-all right, Mel... Carol, thank you." You smile.

"...Rick wants you to join him to go with the group..."

"Sure, we'll be right there." You nod and the woman disappears again.

"Are you crazy? What did we just talk about?"

"If we don't go they'll get suspicious!"

"Maybe we should tell them what's going on."

"Sure, like that will solve it... We just have to pretend a little, at night we'll leave here and look for some solution, maybe with a new storm we'll be home again."

"Do you really think it will be that easy?"

No, you don't think so, but you don't know what else to think either, you sigh giving him a few gentle taps on the chest and leave the cell to join the rest of the group.  Andy or Rick, the truth makes it hard for you to call him by the name that should be his, Norman follows you a few steps behind, you notice him uncomfortable and nervous, which is good, it may seem that the prison situation is what makes him uneasy, although you know it's the situation in general, wanting to go home. Rick makes the group to go find the cafeteria, Norman, or Daryl, has to go with them and the actor tenses up like a rope, if they had to film that scene, he'd be the first to dive into the darkness of the hallway, but knowing he may not make it out of there, the fear, the caution, takes over.

"Okay, let's go." You say when Rick calls out your character's name.

"Daryl, I want you to go close to me, covering my right side." Rick continues to speak, Norman is clueless, looking around. "Daryl? Are you listening to me?" he looks at him confused, but Norman continues to ignore him.

"Daryl!" You nudge him, Norman quickly turns his head towards you.

"Shit, what? What's wrong?"

"Rick's talking to you..." You look at him intensely, Norman needs a second, but then nods and looks at the sheriff.

"Yeah, sure, sorry, it's just... I still can't believe we found this place." He apologizes to his friend and gives you a sidelong glance.

"Okay, let's get going, I want everyone on alert."

You start walking, Norman holds you for a moment and you look at him confused.

"I don't know if it's a good idea for you to go in..." He comments quietly.

"I know what you mean, but we have to follow the story line, what would happen if we don't?"

"We don't know and I'm not going to risk you to find out." he assures you, you frown slightly, surprised by his words. 

"You have a boyfriend waiting for you, don't you? It would be hard to explain it to him if something happened to you."

"Boyfriend... Norman, I don't... that thing we were talking about with Lauren, it wasn't..."

"Guys." Rick's voice catches your attention. "Don't hang back, we have to do this."

"We're coming. We'll talk later." Norman says to you, grabbing the crossbow as he usually does on the shoot.

The darkness is total, you both walk with your hearts in your mouths, you play with the advantage factor that you know what's going to happen, but that doesn't make it any less scary. At any moment a small group of dead will corner you and force you to run, Hershel will get a bite and....

"Watch out!" You hear Rick.

Here they come. Rick looks at Norman, he loads the crossbow and fires. The shot is absurd, it doesn't even hit the zombie, the sheriff's look at him makes Norman cringe. But it's not his fault, he doesn't see shit there, he's practiced with the crossbow once, but he hasn't mastered it enough to be able to use it in a situation like that. He's not Daryl. Behind you you hear Hershel's scream, you quickly grab it leading the group towards the cafeteria to continue with the scene.

It's brutal and terrifying to watch Rick's axe cut through the flesh and bone of the old man's leg, splattering blood everywhere. On set things never have that much detail, there's always computer editing, a little fake blood and it changes to something else, but that's just too much. You feel your stomach turn and you look around for a place to throw up, but Norman keeps you at his side.

"Hang in there...remember we're not alone." He whispers in your ear.

Right, the prisoners, Axel, Oscar and the others... you take a deep breath to control your nausea, Norman then releases you to hold the crossbow and point it at your spotters.

"Rick..." he calls out to his friend, though he struggles not to use his real name.

There in front of you are the small group of prisoners, shocked by what they have witnessed, you would like to say something to keep them away from the group, but Hershel is priority and you take him back to the cells, as planned in the series. Everything is much more chaotic than you expect, the screams, the fear, the blood, the sobs and the confusion of Hershel's daughters, not to mention the inmates following you, Andrew, Rick, does not let them continue to the cells where the rest try to stabilize the old man. Norman, taking his role, aims at them with the crossbow, there he has better visibility and his aim is also better. You stay close too, with your hand on your gun, although you doubt you can use it.

"What's going on?" asks Tomas, a man with long black hair.

"That's not your problem. You're free now, you can leave if you want." Rick speaks.

"Leave? As soon as we set foot out there..."

"There's nothing out there anymore." Norman replies, following his character's line. "You're in luck, guys. Your second chance..."

"How long have you guys been locked in the cafeteria?"

"There was a riot, one of the cops locked you guys in there saying he'd go get reinforcements... I guess he didn't make it." Axel speaks.

"There's no one left, we've been cleaning out the prison, it's ours now." Rick explains and Tomas bristles like a cat.

"Ours? Seems to me that's not how this works..."

"I don't care what you think, we've fought those things out there, we've spilled blood. We're not turning this place over to you." Rick assures him with a dangerous tone.

"Si de verdad crees, huevón, que nos vamos a ir con las manos vacías…" (If you really think, asshole, that we're going to walk away empty-handed…) Tomas says, defiant again.

"Te conviene hacer caso a lo que este huevón te dice, o sufrirás las consecuencias."(You'd better listen to what this asshole tells you, or you'll suffer the consequences).Norman quickly replies in mumbled Spanish.

Again, all eyes fall on the Georgia redneck's interpreter. You have your eyes widened to the max, Norman clearly still doesn't realize what he's done.

"Do you know Spanish?" asks T-Dog.

"I was living in Spain for a while." Norman replies again and then something clicks in his mind. "Shit..." He whispers.

"In Spain? What did you miss there?" the man still can't believe it, though he's not the only one.

"I, uhm... well I... we went hunting. Yes, that... we were invited to hunt..." He lies horribly, you feel like digging a hole in the ground and crawling inside, Glenn rolls his eyes.

"Like there are no animals in Georgia..." He comments shaking his head.

"Never mind, if you guys want to stay in the prison there are other blocks you can use." Rick speaks again, catching the attention of the others. "We'll split the cafeteria supplies, of what's left, we'll take half."

"Half? Are you out of your mind?"

"Half, or we can leave you on the street and keep it all, you have a choice."

Your mind disconnects from the conversation, you've already heard that dialogue several times and you know how it's going to end, unfortunately that's not the only thing you and Norman know is going to happen, when you lead the group to the cafeteria again you're going to lose Big Tiny, you remember the actor who played that character, he was kind and nice, you liked him the days you were filming those scenes, thinking that here he's going to die for real makes your eyes fill with tears.

Everything becomes a huge I want and I can't, you would love to warn the prisoner to be careful, stay close to him to help him and protect him, but no matter what you do, his fate is cast and he is wounded before you can plan it, also Tomas shoots him without giving you time to think of something, you stay in shock, looking around you. The tension, the fear, the anxiety that runs and shakes your whole body is such that you feel short of breath. You can't, that world is not made for you, seen through the cameras, feeling the team always close, seeing the funny faces of the teammates and hearing from afar "Cut" and everyone coming back to life... God how you miss all that. You wish you could open your eyes and wake up, that it was all just a bad dream.

But you can't, and Tomas' blood crashes and stains your face as Rick is unceremonious and drives the machete into his head. You gasp from the shock of the impact of the blood, but you are unable to move. Your body doesn't react.

"Are you okay?" You hear Norman's voice next to you. You have returned to the cells, thinking about what you are going to do with Axel and Oscar. You are sitting on the front steps, Norman is carrying a bucket of water and wiping the remains of the blood from your face. "Hey, talk to me."

"I want to go home..." You whisper with a blank stare.

"I know, and we're going home, remember? You said so..." He tries to cheer you up by wiping the traces of blood off your cheek.

"What if we don't make it, what if we die here? Or this is our world now, there's no turning back, I don't know how to fight, I don't know how to shoot... and you..."

"Hey, hey, breathe, calm down." He holds your face in his hands. "No, okay? No. We'll get through this, we'll go home, everything will go on as usual. There's got to be an explanation why we're here..."

"Someone hates us?"

"And has theh done voodoo on us? It's very possible, but I am a beautiful person, I have no enemies." He jokes and a small giggle escapes you, he smiles at the sight of you laughing, strokes the tip of your nose and leans in, kissing the top of your head. "You can't leave me alone in this, honey, I need you." He confesses to you and you feel your heart race.

"O-okay... I'm sorry I got like this..."

"Come here." He whispers hugging you tightly.

You love it when Norman does that, you've always felt protected in his arms, you sigh and feel the anxiety and nerves subside a little, though they're still under your skin, alert.

"Norman..."

"Yes, babygirl?"

"You still smell terrible..." You comment and hear him laugh, breaking the hug.

"It's not my fault, it's part of the character."

"You've never smelled like that, you always smell like..." You see his smile grow wider and your cheeks redden, without realizing it you've given too much detail at best.

"Guys, let's step up the guards." Rick walks over to you and you're thankful the mood lightens. "Now that we've got Oscar and Axel hanging around, I don't want them coming anywhere near our ward, and until Hershel wakes up..."

"Sure, count on it." You nod your head.

"Are you okay?" the Sheriff asks you and you nod.

"Worried about Hershel, nothing more." You try to reassure him.

You all meet for dinner, Hershel is still unchanged in his condition, Carl has found the infirmary, Lori has gone ballistic, but everyone is relieved that they can take care of the man properly, you think about the infirmary, the library down the block too, maybe you could take a look there, look for a clue in the books about what has happened to you. You know it's crazy, but maybe there is some similar phenomenon that can help you. At dinner you don't talk too much, with the new provisions your stomachs are full, although you and Norman weren't as hungry as the rest. That night Maggie and Glenn offer to stand guard for you, the rest of you divide up your chores for the next day and go to your cells. You sit on your bunk and it feels hard and cold, colder than you remember, you hear footsteps and raise your head, Norman is at the door, watching you.

"Is something wrong?" You look at him worriedly, but he shakes his head, stepping into the cell.

"We're supposed to be our characters... who are boyfriend and girlfriend..."

"Norman... I really don't feel like sex today..." The anxiety is too strong in your body to think of anything else.

"I didn't... I didn't mean that, although I wouldn't say no, if you feel like a quick fuck..."

"Norman..."

"Okay, what I mean, is that... if we're boyfriend and girlfriend, it would look weird if we didn't share a cell, you know, like in the show..." He looks at you, raising his eyebrows, trying to sound coherent. 

"Oh, that..." You look thoughtful as he sits down next to you, watching you silently.

"We can put the mattresses on the floor, so we can both sleep better, I promise I don't snore... at least not much." He jokes with the last part and you let out a chuckle.

"You're an idiot, but I think it's a good idea..." You nod.

Between the two of you arrange the room for the two of you, you cross the mattresses and then place the sheets on top, it's not cold but the damp prison environment makes a thin sheet nice to sleep on at night. You hesitate, you are nervous, after so much insisting, you are finally going to have Norman sleeping with you, you would like it to be in a completely different situation, but you plan to take advantage of it. You sit on the edge to take off your boots, putting them aside. Norman mimics you by sitting on the other side, he sheds his clothes and you watch him.

"Shit..." You whisper and reach out.

His scars, Daryl's scars, are there too, even the mark left by the arrow he put in himself, never seen again in the series, but Norman's body retains it. It's all so real.

"What's wrong?" he looks at you worriedly.

"It's the scars..."

"That too? I think someone hates me." He snorts in annoyance. You can't contain yourself and kiss the marks on his shoulder blade, Norman hums at the sensation. "If you don't want sex, don't provoke me...I'm an easy man."

"Sorry." You let out a giggle and settle back on your side of the bed.

You feel Norman do the same, the two of you lying on your backs, staring at the prison ceiling. Maybe it's all a dream. Maybe it will all be over tomorrow. Maybe you'll close your eyes and when you open them again you'll be home.

Maybe...

In the distance, a storm forms, thunder and lightning envelop the area, the black clouds have an unnatural greenish glow. Neither of you are aware of its existence, sleep has won you over and you are rocked in deep dreams.

.

.

To be continued...

.

See you in the next stories!

Taglist: @minervadashwood @green-eyedladywrites @livingdeadblondequeen @phoenixblack89

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

"For you, Rollo." One of the gargoyles slips something into his hand. When Rollo unfurls his hand, he finds a fistful of flower seeds in his palm. "You like gardening, don't you? Maybe you can plant these and watch them grow into something beautiful. Then you can look at those flowers and your heart will be at peace."

I really like the idea of flowers as symbolism for character growth and development 😌 I was thinking a lot about that connection and What Else Can I Do? from Encanto while writing this.

Anyway, stan gargoyle 🫶

Rollo recognized the gargoyle as soon as it had hopped up to him. A 10-degree difference on the wings, the 1-centimeter scratch running along the head. There was no mistaking it: this gargoyle was the very same that had caught him upon his defeated descent from the bell tower.

"Y'know, we're always up here. You can talk to us if something's botherin' ya."

Suddenly the flower seeds in his palm felt heavier than lead. A metallic taste coated the back of his tongue.

“I picked them up from the pesky birds that visit the bell tower," the gargoyle rambled cheerily. "The other day, a whole family made its nest in my mouth while I was still sleeping! Can you believe that?”

Rollo cut straight to the point.

"How did you know about the gardening?" he managed, in spite of the dryness that consumed his throat. His usual perfect, practiced poise came through.

The gargoyle laughed, low and gravely like the rock he was carved from. "It's been three whole years now. There's not a day in the year when you skip out on polishing the Bell of Salvation, cleaning us gargoyles... or watering the campus flowers."

He bristled. "You act as though you know me."

But no one does.

Not when he had stowed all his secrets away in that diary. Away from his classmates, away from his parents, away from the world. All the turmoil and hurt and anguish, banished to the pages.

Troubles rooted deep, not meant for mortal eyes.

The gargoyle's answer was a simple one. He tapped his temple and grinned. "I may not know what's going on in your head, but I know that you have a big heart. It's a good foundation. Fertile soil for flowers to grow—if you'll let them."

He nodded, indicating Rollo’s hand.

The seeds.

The start of something new.

Rollo curled his fingers back around them—a cage for the seeds, the bars stopping just short of crushing them. “… Heh. Hilarious. I hadn’t realized that stone was capable of comedy.”

If the gargoyle was offended, he didn’t show it. He slowly inclined his head to one side. “Yes, yes, I can see it now. A plant pushing through the dirt, rising through the roof and to the skies. That’s the sort of flower you’d be.”

“You think rather highly of me.”

When you’re fully aware of what I am capable of.

“I do. That's just the sort of person I've come to know you as, someone we can rely on. I’d trust you with the clothes right off my back if I wore any clothes!!”

The gargoyle chuckled at his own bad joke, elbowing Rollo in the ribs to encourage him to join in. The best he got was a stifled wheeze--more of a result of the jab than actually finding humor in his words.

“… Hey, Rollo. When these flowers have blossomed, I hope you'll be able to look at them and feel a little more at ease."

"I cannot make any promises as to how I will feel about the flowers, whether they've reached full maturity or not," he warned. Stern, pragmatic--as always.

"That's fine," the gargoyle replied with a patient grin.

One day, those feelings might change. Until then... I’ll watch over you as you, too, grow into something beautiful.

[callmewrinkles3]

Home

September 2021

"Emmy?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you ever live somewhere that wasn't London?"

Dan's words were quiet as they lay curled up on the couch together watching some comedy show on Channel4. Em wasn't totally paying attention to it while they lay on the almost too small couch. It was a stupidly simple question on the outside but in reality there were so many layers.

She was fully focused on turning the idea around in her head, her thoughts consumed by it instead of the show and Dan's fingers tracing invisible patterns against her skin. She knew he wasn't doing it to distract her really, it was to ground himself and remind him that he was right there. She could have joked that it was thanks to him winning Monza but she wouldn't. Instead she pressed her lips to his forehead and ran her fingers through his curls when he held her tightly.

Part of her wanted to laugh at how clingy Dan had become, but part of her was nervous. As the world wanted more and more of the most recent Grand Prix winner he wanted to spend his time with her. He was the extrovert out of the two of them but he was the one who kept wanting to hide. Even having won wasn't enough for McLaren. She knew there were people calling his win a fluke, saying Lando deserved it. That trophy was a plaster on a bullet hole and there was nothing she could to do fix it for him.

She knew it was weird when Dan kept complaining about how his win had ruined their holiday plans in Italy. He kept saying how sorry he was that he couldn't take her to the villa he'd rented for them on Lake Como for a couple of days of sun and relaxing and sex instead of celebrating his win. Em didn't blame him. She couldn't blame him. After what had happened between her and McLaren that week, his mood for most of the weekend, and the fact that his family wasn't there to celebrate with him in the country he loved nearly as much as Australia she knew it was a bittersweet feeling. She knew it was strange and he wasn't ok so she did what she knew best. She held onto him, kept him safe and sound and grounded in her arms. They snuggled up together whenever they could, legs and arms wrapped around each other. And preferably no clothes on when they could get away with it.

"What?" Em asked like she hadn't fully heard the question. She had, but she needed a few seconds to think about exactly how to phrase an answer and not blurt out that she'd move anywhere with him.

"Do you think you'll wanna live in London forever?" Dan repeated, pushing a soft kiss to her shoulder before continuing. "I mean you love the sun. I know you like the rain too but y'know. I mean. Maybe in the future? Would you move somewhere else?"

She'd spent three years by his side and it had taught her a lot about him. One of the things she'd learned was how to tell when Dan was asking something but meant something else. She could feel the slight tension in his body and the hesitation in his voice. She could feel how he was overthinking what he was saying and how to ask something important. He was doubting himself so she tried to give him a little push to tell her everything.

"I mean I love London, but my three favourite crazy men are from Australia so I don't know. There isn't anything to really tie me here I think? Why are you asking?"

Everyone who knew her knew that she loved London and it wasn't something new. It was the first ever place that she'd felt free and been able to be herself. The first place she'd ever called home and it would always have a place in her heart. She'd had her heart broken and bruised and fallen in love in this city, and she would always like being there.

But Perth had captivated her heart and soul since she'd first been there. It was like going home was supposed to feel according to the books. She loved every part of the city and it felt awful when she walked into international departures and had to leave, part of her heart being left behind. It was leaving home when she didn't want to leave. It had become her home, even over lockdown and all that entailed. It was even better because she had a family there now and it was Dan's home.

"Just curious." She could tell that Dan wasn't telling the truth. Not fully, anyway. He had a question that he wasn't yet ready to ask her and she wasn't sure if she was ready to bring it up. So she could leave it.

"You know I'll follow you anywhere if that's what you're worrying about. We promised, right?" Her question was just as simple as his was and it had the same effect. He stopped and looked at her for a second before leaning down to kiss her properly, the two of them moving to be comfortable while they made out. That morning in the hotel in Monza they'd made a deal to never leave the other alone, and she'd follow him everywhere not to break it. And she knew he'd do the same thing.

[mickimagnum]

Devin's Dude Ranch: Episode Nine

*the episode opens with a shot of Echo Valley Ranch. It's early-mid morning and the birds are singing.*

Devin, in diary room (with a lot of energy): "Today's the day of our second challenge and I can't wait to see how the guys do! Can you tell I'm really excited about this one!?"

*the next shot opens with Devin standing in front of a stage area set-up in her backyard. the contestants are lined up in front of her.*

Devin: "Hi guys! Good morning. Welcome to our second challenge. I hope you guys are ready to give this one all you've got because frankly, I've really been looking forward to today."

Devin (continues): "I can see it on your faces: 'Devin, what the heck are we doing?'. Well, fellas. Today, you'll be putting on a talent show!"

*the contestants murmur among themselves*

Devin (continues): "I know you've all got special talents and I want to see them today. Whoever impresses me the most will win a solo date. Are you guys ready?"

*the contestants cheer in reply*

Devin: "That's what I want to hear! Alright, Houston. You're up first!"

*the next shot shows Houston sitting down at a grand piano, he begins playing Moonlight Sonata*

*Devin can be seen in the background with a smile slowly spreading across her face*

*Houston's playing is beautiful, though he does trip over a few notes here and there. he grimaces when he does but pushes through and finishes the piece.*

*when Houston finishes he stands, receives his applause and waits to hear from Devin*

Devin: "Wow. That was truly beautiful, Houston. You continue to impress me. Thank you."

*Houston places his hand over his heart, mouths 'thank you' to Devin then returns to his seat with a smile on his face.*

Stan, in diary room: "Hot damn. Is there anything that boy can't do? I mean, it wasn't perfect, but it was sure a hell of a lot better than I coulda done. I might be in trouble for this date."

*the next shot shows Albert on stage. he has a microphone in his hand and is performing a comedy routine.*

Albert: "I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, 'Man, that cat’s fat.' And it feels rude, you know, like, 'He doesn’t speak Simlish, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.' And they’re just… you know, they’re like, 'What are y���all feeding this cat?'"

Albert (continues): "You’re like, 'Whatever you feed a cat, dude. Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.' You know, he’s not like, 'Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.' And then they’re like, 'Well, y’all should do something.' You’re like, 'What do you think we’re not doing? Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?' He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, 'Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.' Just keep doing what you’re doing."*

*Devin & the contestants can be heard howling with laughter*

*comedy bit originally by Nate Bargatze - because I'm too high and tired to try to write actual comedy.

*when his bit is complete, Albert puts the microphone back and waits to hear from Devin*

*Devin wipes her eyes and composes herself*

Devin: "That is...*bleep*ing hilarious, Albert. Do your parents really have a fat cat?"

*Albert nods*

Albert: "Oh yeah. His name is Reggie."

Devin: "Well, I love Reggie. And thank you so much for making me laugh so hard my face hurts. I didn't know you were such a comedian, but now that I do, that's a plus in your column, cowboy."

*Albert runs over to Devin and kisses her hand before hustling back to his seat*

Houston, in diary room: "I hate to admit it, but Albert's bit was actually really funny. Now I'm worried. I really want this date with Devin."

*The next scene opens with Stan at the microphone. he's backed up by music playing through the stereo behind him and he's singing Cheeseburger in Paradise.*

*Devin looks on, half impressed by the quality of Stan's singing voice and half amused by his choice of song.*

Stan (singing):

"I like mine with lettuce and tomato Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer Well, good God almighty which way do I steer For my

Cheeseburger in paradise Making the best of every virtue and vice Worth every damn bit of sacrifice To get a cheeseburger in paradise Get me a cheeseburger in paradise I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise"

*the music comes to an end, and Stan squares himself in front of Devin, clearly proud of his performance*

Devin: "Stan! That was both entertaining and impressive. I didn't know you could sing that like! And somehow that song choice is 100% you. I loved it. Thank you so much."

*Stan nods to Devin, thanks her and returns to his seat, wiping the sweat from his forehead*

Handra, in diary room: "Stan was living his best life up there. He was being true to himself and I loved that for him. Way to go, buddy!"

*the next scene opens with Handra front and center. He's playing Hotel California on guitar.*

*Devin leans forward in her seat and watches Handra play intently*

*Handra plays perfectly, making each note of the song come alive as he strums the resonator guitar.*

*when the song is over, he sets the guitar down and looks to Devin*

*Devin takes a deep breath*

Devin: "Handra. Wow. That was incredible and so...moving. Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us. I had no idea you were musically talented. I'm very, very impressed."

*Handra beams at her, mouths 'thank you' before blowing her kiss and returning to his seat*

Albert, in diary room: "My boy Handra can play, holy *bleep*. I'm in trouble for this date. Man!"

Devin: "Guys, that was every bit as amazing as I hoped it would be. Thank you so much for showing me your talents. I am so impressed by all of you. Truly."

Devin (continues): "This was a really, really hard decision. But, at the end, I had to go with the person who surprised me the most with their talent."

Devin (continues): "And that person, is..."

Devin (continues): "Albert!"

*Albert stands up and looks utterly shocked*

*Winner picked by random name picker.

*he meets Devin at the front and the two share a quick hug*

Devin: "Congrats, funny guy."

*Albert grins and returns to his seat*

Devin: "Again, guys, thank you so much for today. I really had a good time and hope you did too. And don't forget - there are still plenty of chances to win solo dates with me."

Albert, in diary room: "I won. I'm going on a solo date with my girl. I can't believe it. And Mom told me I'd never get anywhere being funny. I guess I owe Reggie some catnip or something..."

Devin, in diary room: "I can't believe the talents these guys have been holding out on me. I mean, how amazing was today!? And I'm really, really looking forward to my date with Albert. I can't wait to spend more time with him and see if there's more between us than surface level stuff."

Houston submitted by @invisiblequeen Albert submitted by @bakersimmer James "Stan" submitted by @natolesims Handra submitted by @bloomingkyras

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[9leaguesofmirrors]

Just Can't Stand It (A Legz Akimbo fic)

So, I mentioned before that I wanted to write a fic about the scene where Legz Akimbo split, but from the perspectives of Dave and Phil. I touched on it in my first Dave and Phil fic, but I wanted to expand on that idea a little

CONTENT WARNING: Verbal abuse

"Phil?"

After looking through every studio in their tiny rehearsal space, Dave finally found his mate in the empty audience of a barren, black-box theatre. Clearly in a bad mood, and Dave understood exactly why

"Sorry, did you need the space?

"No, no it's alright. Just wondered where you'd gone off to."

"Just needed to get away for a bit."

Dave didn't blame him at all. It was been a pretty intense day at rehearsals, somehow even moreso than usual, what with Ollie throwing some pretty harsh accusations at Phil

"Need me to receive a very important phone call and leave you alone?"

That got a small chuckle from Phil. Not much, it didn't meet his eyes, but it was something

"You're alright, was getting a bit dull anyway."

"Well, if you're waiting for a show," he goes as sits in a seat next to him "you'll be waiting for a while."

"Better than being out there with him..." muttered Phil

Silence fell around them. Both of them knew what Phil's comment meant. Ollie was harsh on them both, but the abuse he delivered to him was far more blatant. Maybe because he knew that Dave was easier to mess with subtly, he never did understand sarcasm. Besides, he always thought Phil was the actor Ollie always thought he was, not that he'd ever say that out loud. He quite enjoyed not being dead or severely concussed

"What he said wasn't true, I know." Dave assured him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder "I mean, you're way to talented to have to rely on spreading your legs for a role-"

"Why don't you get accused of it?"

That was not what he was expecting to hear

"I never-"

I know," Phil sighed "I just... why is it always me? It's like he can't seem to fathom that I'm actually good at what I do. He doesn't see that I'm way better than he gives me credit for."

"I think he does." Dave looked at his mate's incredulous expression and nodded "Yeah! I think he does! I mean, you're a versatile performer with charisma and integrity. Ollie wishes he could be like you, and that's why he hates you. Because you're a real actor."

"Don't feel like it." Phil muttered

Sighing, Dave looked out at the empty performance space. Then there was a moment. A flickering light, as if a flame whipped across the stage in his mind

"If you could play any character in the world, who would it be?"

He watched as Phil pondered his question for a moment, either that or he was asking himself why it was being sprung on him. Regardless, he answered

"I want someone complex. maybe a good man that does bad things." That same light now started to glisten in Phil's eyes "I'd be a character with charisma, intelligence. Maybe someone in the British government. One that's lonely, but cares deeply for his family." He starts to smile sadly "But, knowing Ollie, he'd cast himself in that role."

"I wouldn't."

Phil's face became confused

"I'll write something, for us."

Then, Phil laughed

"Ollie will never let you."

"Worth a try, right?" Dave stood up, bounding to the performance area "And, if he doesn't like it, I'll make it myself!" He looked out at the empty rows and, for a fleeting moment, saw a full house. But something was missing "C'mon Phil, come join me!"

Rolling his eyes fondly, he did. And Dave put a hand round his shoulder again, looking out at the seats

"I'm gonna make a play," he said "that we'll both be great in. A serious, troubled character for you-"

"And a warm, comedic one for you?" Phil suggested "One that shows off your physical comedy."

"You know me well, you do!"

"It could be about two friends breaking into the entertainment industry-"

"-but one of them passes away-"

"-and they grieve the life they left behind-"

"-while also coming to terms with their friend's death!"

They looked out in silence again, but this time it felt buzzy and warm, like something was opening in front of them, ready for them to bask in

"This," Dave said, hugging his mate tightly "is gonna be our big break. I can feel it."

"A two-hander, just for us."

"Well, yeah. That's what a two-hander is!"

"Oh, piss off!" Phil laughed

Their laughter soon melted the frost that once clouded the air

*********************************************

"Ollie, you got a minute?"

It was finally time for a break, and Dave managed to catch their director before he scurried off

"If you're going to ask for a bigger part-"

"No, not at all! I just..." he started pressing the pads of his fingers together "well, I wanted to get a second opinion from our very own writer. See, I've-"

"I'm more than a writer, Dave." Ollie heaved an exasperated sigh "I'm a director, a producer, an actor and a-"

"Yes, yes, I know. But I'm coming to you in the hopes you could offer me some help... writer to writer."

That made Ollie do a double take, looking at him with sheer disbelief

"How can you call yourself a writer? You've never written a play in your life!"

"Well, actually," Dave ran to his bag, returning with a script that he slapped against the desk with great enthusiasm "I've been writing in secret for a while, and I came up with something recently that I want you to read."

Wordlessly, Ollie picked up the document and flicked through

Dave couldn't stop fiddling with his hands. This was the first time he'd shown anyone, other than Phil, his writing. And even he hadn't seen all of his scripts. Sharing something like that was deeply personal, a huge

"It's, um, it's not finished or anything. But I'd really appreciate the feedback and-"

"I'll read it," he waved his hand dismissively "I've got nothing better to do. Not unless Phil suddenly decides his lines are worth learning."

"To be fair to him, he's doing alright considering we only got the script last week..."

Realising that Ollie wasn't actually listening by this point, Dave simply left the room

*********************************************

"I read it."

By now, it was after rehearsals and Phil had been dismissed. It was just Ollie and Dave, with the former sat at his little table and the latter sat down on the edge of the stage

"And?"

"And what?"

"What did you think?"

Instead of responding, Ollie started to sift through and took out a few pages

"For starters, this scene has to go." He ripped the pages, much to the shock of Dave "It just doesn't work."

"OK, but could you at least ask me before destroying my-"

"And this scene."

Rip

"And this one."

Rip

"And this entire section. And, honestly, this whole character. While we're at it, let's just get rid of THIS ONE TOO!"

Rip. Rip. Rip. Rip. Rip. Rip

Dave wanted to storm over and yank the script right out of his hands, but the sheer shock of the situation had caused him to freeze. And he just watched. Watched as his pride and joy, his ticket out, his art, was destroyed with horrible ease

"What RIGHT?!" Ollie screeched as he threw the remains onto the floor, leaping from his seat and waving his arms wildly "What RIGHT DO YOU HAVE to COME IN HERE and show me this RUBBISH! I did not become Legz Akimbo's writer to be UNDERMINED like this!"

Dave opened his mouth to say something, but he suddenly became more focused on scampering backward upstage to avoid the madman coming towards him with a chair. As he saw it leave Ollie's hands, he cowered on the floor, hearing it slam against the back wall. He didn't dare lift his head, unprepared to face another potential attack

"I SLAVE AWAY at that desk for HOURS creating the BEST ISSUE-BASED PLAYS in Royston Vasey but NO. APPARENTLY IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. JUST like how it wasn't good enough for Linda, NOBODY APPRECIATES THEATRE ANYMORE

Dave wasn't sure how events transpired between the tirade and Ollie leaving the ruined script on the floor as he stormed out, but one moment he was face-to-face with an angry director, and the next he was alone. He went over and picked up some of the paper, unable to cry. Just staring at the rubble of his imagination. Of what could've been a future. Maybe not a long future, but a future nonetheless. Something he could be proud of. Something he was proud of

"Are you just gonna stand there then?"

His eyes darted to the doorway, where Ollie stood with an irritated glare

"Come on, it's just paper. Surely you have another copy, no use crying over it!"

Dave opened his mouth to explain that no, he wasn't crying, but nothing came out. All he could do was shake his head

"I don't know why I bother sometimes." Ollie muttered, loud enough for Dave to hear, before walking off

The room felt like it had gone colder. The evening glow outside darkened as the walls closed in. Dave just stood there, motionless. Paper crumpled in his hand. His whole body was frozen until he heard a familiar ringtone come from his pocket. Putting his phone to his ear, he accepted the call

"Dave?"

Again, he opened his mouth to speak, fingertips pressing together. And, once again, nothing escaped his throat

"Dave, are you there?"

Nothing

"Look, if you're busy, I can wait."

Dave shook his head, as if Phil was somehow able to see it

"I just didn't hear back, wanted to know what Ollie thought about the script-"

That was interrupted by the rapid sound of Dave's fist being slammed against the table. Then his throat caught as he tried to choke back his tears

"He hated it."

"Seriously? Did he even read it?"

"It's on the floor. He ripped it."

"He ripped it up?" The shock was evident in Phil's voice "Do you... have a copy somewhere?"

"Yes."

For a moment, nothing was said. In the silence, Dave felt acutely aware of his surroundings. Of the slight buzzing of the lights, the fabric of his shirt sleeves over his arms, the shouting outside, the sweat on his brow. It was so much. So much. So much-

"Dave," came the quiet voice of his friend "I can pick you up if you want. Save you walking."

"... Alright."

"OK, I'm on my way."

"Right. See you then."

Dave hung up, sitting down on the stage with his head on his palms. He stayed there until Phil came back

Even then, he didn't turn his head when he heard his mate come in. It was like his whole body had fused together, rendering movement impossible. But he could tell Phil was looking around at the scattered remains of his work.

He watched as Phil went around, picking up each piece and putting it in the nearest bin. Then he went and sat beside him, looking at him with eyes full of apologies - as if he was the one that caused it

"I'm gonna miss you," Dave said quietly "when you leave for your big project."

"Hardly a big project." Phil chuckled

"Bigger than this. Not sure how Legz Akimbo's gonna go ahead without you."

"You're not staying, are you?"

"Can't leave. Where else can I go?"

When Phil didn't respond, Dave finally looked at him

"What else do I have?"

"You have your scripts."

Laughing hollowly, Dave looked at the bin

He then feels something familiar on his back, something warm. That simple touch probably wouldn't have meant much in any other context, but it said a lot here. It was comforting, unifying and gentle. They'd both spent so much time with Ollie that they'd forgotten what it felt like to be handled with care. Handled like they mattered. And, even if it was for a fleeting moment, it was nice to be reminded that they were important to someone

"If you're going, I'm going."

That surprised Phil slightly

"What, you're leaving?"

"If you are."

"Where are you gonna go?"

"Dunno. Not here. You're the only reason I stayed, I liked doing stuff with my best mate. No point sticking around if you're going."

Instead of speaking, Phil slowly moved his arm around Dave's shoulders, holding him without completely invading his personal space

"Ollie's gonna kill us." He laughed "He'll go red."

"Purple, more like." Dave couldn't help but join in "He'll probably burst!"

It was strange, in that moment, to find some kind of joy in their situation. But, in the end, it got them through. The laughter, the warmth of it: it kept them alive

*********************************************

All through the performance, Dave wasn't present. He knew that. And Ollie probably did as well. His mind was split between two outcomes, leave Legz Akimbo and risk not finding steady work for years, or stay in a job that will slowly crush him? He needed his sanity, but he also needed money

He was so in his head, he hadn't realised Ollie had clambered off his shoulders and was now starting on Phil until he managed to catch the end of his rant

"Not because he's talented, it's not! But because he bums the director."

Dave saw Phil's face, that look of anguish and disgust, as he walked offstage. It was a low blow, they all knew that. Phil was a talented actor, yet always so unsure. That's what people in the industry, people like Ollie Plimsolls have always done: break people apart until they question their ability. He'd done that to Phil, that good-hearted, determined man with such a gift, and was intent on destroying him until there was nothing left

It wasn't fair. Not on someone as dedicated and talented as Phil Proctor

"Other people like me and Dave, we plod on, working-"

"Don't Ollie."

"WHAT? I'm telling everyone how DEDICATED we are-"

"I'm leaving Legz Akimbo."

"... WHAT!"

It felt odd, to say it out loud

He should've been nervous about Ollie lashing out again

Should've

But he wasn't

In that moment, looking at him now, Dave realised how small he truly was. Not just in height, but in significance. To him. For the first time, he saw Ollie for what he was. A lonely, bitter man that couldn't reach his own dreams, so took it out on anyone he deemed as a rival. A man that pretended to care about issues he didn't know a thing about, just because it made him look more important than he actually was

And Dave realised something in that very moment: he owed that man nothing

Not his time

Not his dedication

Not his work

Not his life

"Why are you doing this, Dave?"

His whole body felt light, but his head was heavy. As if all the pain and torment he'd absorbed over the years had finally been squeezed out of him, as if he'd finally been wringed like a sponge, leaving only exhaustion. Were it any other moment, he would've floated. But now he was oddly grounded, as if this was nothing more than a job he should've done a long time ago

"I just can't stand you, Ollie."

Mumbling an apology to their audience, he left. The adrenaline carrying him, in a steady pace, out of the auditorium and into the corridor, his eyes fixed on the exit

His hand met the handle, felt the coolness under his palm, and pushed it open. A familiar face greeted him in the front seat of a car

"Figured I'd save you walking."

Dave smiled softly and got in beside Phil, strapping in his seatbelt before they drove away, leaving that man behind them and advancing into whatever was waiting for them

[dragonmasterhiccup]

Danny laughed as well, she laughed so hard in fact, to the point where she was fighting back tears. Reaching her hands out, she took the paper and pencil from him, shaking her head. “Nonono, this is a legitimate historical document, no nicknames allowed,” she said, erasing ‘Danny Bludvist’ and replacing it with ‘Danielle Ilyndra Bludvist’ “There, now it’s official- you do realize that since you, the Chief, have signed this document, that you are not allowed to throw this out, ever. This paper shall be passed down from generation to generation, so that this day will never be forgotten,” she finished, her last sentence spoken with a jokingly formal accent.

——

“‘Accusing’? No, I’m pointing out the facts! There is no way in the entire world that you could’ve beaten me!”

Danny was very clearly displaying the fact that she was a sore loser, her attitude shining through.

“Maybe I did! So what?! Just- Ugh!” She groaned in annoyance, placing her head in her hands. This was going to suck.

“‘Haha, let’s go upstairs, shall we? I’m Hiccup and I’m a massive dork who cheats at Maces and Talons,���” she mocked, following him up the stairs reluctantly.

As Hiccup finished securing the rope, she looked outside the window, taking in the thick layer of snow beneath them. Turning her head to look at him, she said, “Go stand over by the stairs, I don’t trust you not to push me.”

Climbing up into the windowsill, she sat with her legs dangling over the edge. Oh Gods, why did she agree to this?

Glancing over her shoulder at Hiccup, she glared at him. “I’m going to land so that I purposefully break my legs.” Was all she said before pushing herself off the edge of the windowsill.

A small yelp left her mouth before she face planted in the snow below. Voice muffled by the snow, she yelled, “I’m okay! I didn’t break my legs!”

"And why would I ever throw it out?" He, too, was laughing, mainly because Danny had been laughing so hard it became infectious. "It should be passed down! Some day, years and years from now, I'll be telling my kids about the events of this day, and show them this exact paper as proof that it did, in fact, happen!"

--------------------------

"I've been playing this game my whole life, you only just started. I have no doubt that with a little more practice, you'll be beating me."

He chuckled, listening to her grumbling as she followed him upstairs. Toothless trailed behind, too, curious about what was going to happen. "Again, I don't cheat!"

Shaking his head, he refused. "Nope, I can promise I won't push you, but I'm not standing that far back."

He was a little surprised by the intensity of her glare. "What? No, you wouldn't put yourself through that. Snow is soft, you're not going to break anything." Leaning over the windowsill, he watched as she plopped into the snow, laughing lightly at the comedy of it all as he swung his legs over the side, making sure the rope was going to be within both of their reach.

"Good thing you're okay, you're going to want to see this!" He grinned down at her before jumping down into the snow next to her, turning himself so that he landed with his face up instead of down.

He landed in the snow with a soft crunch, arms spread out, and grinning with joy.

Toothless poked his head out the window, warbling to see if they were okay. "It's okay! We're just fine, bud. We'll be back inside in just a minute." Sitting up, he shook the snow out of his hair before turning to Danny, a wide smile still on his face. "I bet you didn't expect that, did you?"

[adamwatchesmovies]

The VelociPastor (2017

You can’t make a movie that’s “so bad it’s good” on purpose. The VelociPastor proves it. Even at a mere 75 minutes, this horror comedy overstays its welcome.

After witnessing his parents die in a car fire, Pastor Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan) briefly vacations in China. There, he receives a velociraptor claw from a dying woman. Now, whenever Jones becomes angry, he transforms into a dinosaur. He’s convinced he should try to remove this curse but Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a hooker he saved while in his scaly form, thinks otherwise.

Other than the pun in its title, The VelociPastor has very little going for it. At first, you might chuckle at the premise and the wooden performances. As soon as the movie shows you it doesn’t even have the budget for lousy special effects, you'll realize this won't be the cult classic you were hoping for and shut it off. Instead of showing us the fire that kills Father Doug Jones’ parents, writer/director Brendan Steere has the text “VFX of Fire” appear over an empty street. To people who haven’t seen movies that are so bad they’re good, this sounds hysterical. Anyone with any experience with the ironic art form will know better. This is someone trying to cover up the fact that they don’t have the resources to make a good movie and aren’t even willing to try.

The problem with The VelociPastor is that without giving it too much thought, you could write a better movie. What if Pastor Doug gave a fiery sermon in front of his congregation and suddenly began changing? How would he hide his claws as he hands out communion? What if he faced an existential crisis because previously, he believed the Earth was only 3,000 years old? How about a scene in which he watches Jurassic Park for pointers on how to stalk the villains that prowl the streets? Maybe at one point, said villains chase him into a museum and he has to hide among animatronic dinosaurs! What about an important seminar he absolutely can’t miss that requires him to stuff the trademark velociraptor claw into normal shoes and tape his tail to his leg? What sort of hijinks do we get, if not these? None! In fact, the velociraptor barely appears in this movie and when it does, you’ll pray for death. Facing people who know you’ve sat through this film is too heavy a cross to bear. The dinosaur costume is clearly some generic Halloween disguise someone picked up on November 1st for 50% off because the crotch was torn. It looks shabby and you never see it do anything interesting. As for the gore - when you get any - it's little more than red fruit juice sprayed all over the actors.

It’s obvious no one working on this project cared. There are several scenes whose punchlines are so tired, lame and predictable they aren’t the least bit funny. In fact, they kind of make you mad. "This is the best you could come up with? Another pointless scene that wastes our time even more than the rest of the film, which is itself a colossal waste of time? Please Lord, just tell me we’re nearly at the end." You take a look at your watch. You’ve got another 45 minutes to go. This is a movie so dull it’s a battle to stay awake.

At best, The VelociPastor is a broken clock comedy - it manages to make you laugh/smile despite being broken and useless almost every minute of every hour of every day. At worst, it’s so cheap and lazy it insults your intelligence. You can’t make a cult film on purpose. I wasn’t looking for high art or deep meaning when I sat down with this film but I expected it to be fun. The only people who could enjoy The VelociPastor have their names in the end credits. (June 11, 2021)

[onlyseokmins]

a tiger's dominion [teaser] • k.s.y.

“Some days you tame the tiger, and some days the tiger has you for lunch.” 

Pairing: kwon soonyoung x afab!reader

Genres: porn with PLOT (minors dni!), camstars!au, university!au, best friends/idiots!au, goofy comedy, cheesy fluff, and angst

Teaser Warnings: swearing, maybe some angst wahoo, smut, sex toys (collars/leashes, ball gag lol fsdkjfj), um I think that's it wheee

Teaser WC: ~0.9k

A/N: If you saw me post this by accident NO YOU DIDN'T anyways ~ it's almost here! My svthub fic! Banner made by the illustrious @huiranghaes :3 Please check out the other awesome fics in the collab on the masterlist!! Pspspspps if you haven't read @onlymingyus fun lil origin story for my Hoshi, please do so as well! I will be sure to keep this updated with each part I post, thank you for your hopeful interest!! (Snippets are subject to change until released 😄)

Personal Taglist: @aceofvernons @joshibambi @junhui-recs @httpswonwoosglasses @pandorashbox @rubyscoups @noraehey @charcharfairy @woozluv @hoshistar96

◇ Part 1: [Read here!]

➯ snippet: (full length ~8k)

Once you've confirmed that you've turned off the recording and your computer is shut off, you collapse on your bed. Feeling woozy and sluggish, an arm flops across your closed eyes. This was by no means the first time Soonyoung has been in your thoughts during a livestream. Even now after all that, you feel yourself clench instinctively, the feeling blossoming even more because he had been watching you. Talking to you. Commanding you.

Fuck.

You're afraid that once you get a real taste of him you won't be able to let him go. Ever. You'll want him more than he wants you and you're not sure if you can handle that.

But this collaboration is happening. You might as well get the chance to fuck him once in your life than never at all.

Tears wash away in the shower, disappearing down the drain. For the hundredth time, you push down your feelings and let the warm water soothe away the aches and pains instead. Self-care is a must. Fluffy towels dry away the moisture, lotion to keep your skin smooth, and comfy granny pajamas to curl up under your clean bedsheets. Time for a good wallow in your feels.

◇ Part 2: [Read here!]

➯ snippet: (full length: 21k)

beg4gyu: N E WAYZ why is he called 0rginaltiger if he's 69th 🤔🤔🤔

That makes you laugh and turn back to Soonyoung with a devious smirk, hand brushing against his bulging cheek. "Wanna tell 'em, tiger boy?"

It's a mocking tone you use, the ball gag still in his mouth obviously preventing the man from uttering anything except incomprehensible sounds at this point. He's not below begging in whatever way desired — rather be drowning in your arousal than his own saliva — and raises his eyebrows pleadingly. Dancer hips hump up pathetically but oh-so-temptingly, another strangled whine thrown in for good measure and shiny eyes threatening to tear up. 

Of course, you concede to finally taking it and helping with his boxers after removing the leash that's left pretty red streaks across his forearms showing where he strained against the binding. Your hands brush tenderly across the marks, a questioning hum while you wait for him to collect himself to respond.

"Guess we should," Soonyoung eventually chokes out in a raspy voice, "ya know…" a little too eager in the way he reaches for your hips, "demonstrate."

You click your tongue and gently yank on the collar before he can touch. His upper body jerks forward, merely inches from your face, nose brushing against his. 

"I don't remember you having the control here, Hoshi."

"Ah, but don't forget to lemme know if I'm doing a good job like before… "

And with that, you respond by pushing against his chest after the saucy wink and smirk sent your way. Urging your best friend to lay down on his back so you can place your knees around his waist, untying one side of your panties with a flourish while he rushes to slide a naughty hand over to assist with the other. Across the room they fly, joining the discarded toys on the floor with the nastiest splat imaginable.

NewUser94594: holy shit! 🫣 💦

dickarawrous420: my god... 👅

deathbyd1cks: 👁️ did sum1 say before? 

deathbydicks: hahaha n e ways — ruined ☑ 

You can't even be bothered to care, all your focus instead on the heat of your bare cunt pressed against Soonyoung's hard abs just as you imagined. He seems to be in a better mood and is finally obeying. But you don't like the look of the mischievous glint in his eyes when his teeth sink into his bottom lip, feeling what a sopping mess you still are.

He's covered in it. And he hopes for more. 

"You're so fuckin' beautiful," slips out before he can stop it which causes you to click your tongue to cover up the fact you're extremely flattered, cheeks aflame.

"Looks like I'll have to shut you up, huh?"

Twisting around and moving further up his body until your fluttering hole is over his mouth, you see his brow raise questionably.

"Aren't you gonna... ?"

"Work for it," you interrupt with a command and don't wait for his reply before seating yourself against his swollen lips. "Work for it and maybe I'll suck you off as a reward, baby boy."

◇ Part 3: [TBA]

➯ snippet: (full length: tbd)

"Listen to your gut."

"Isn't it 'listen to your heart'?" you ask, referencing the comfort song with a tilt of your head.

"Your heart tends to follow based on emotions and your brain holds you back out of caution of getting hurt. But if you trust your intuition and interpret it correctly, it will never lead you astray."

"Okay, Dr. Lee, thanks so much for your cryptic advice."

"Anytime," Seokmin leans back with a smug smile despite your sarcasm, "I look forward to seeing the results."

"That's because it won't be your heart that's being broken."

"I was in the exact place a year ago and look what happened — thanks to your encouragement, no less. So, don't think like that. I have a good feeling."

"You say that but it's better to brace myself for the inevitable heartbreak, no?" You stand up and push in your chair. "Either way, I expect to be taken out for ice cream to soothe my dick-whipped woes."

Seokmin opens the door for you and you duck under his arm as he shakes his head with a good-natured smile. "You're whipped for something, that's for sure. Fine, it's a date. Perhaps even a double-date. I look forward to meeting this tiger boy of yours in person."

onlyseokmins: September 2022 ©

[clavissionary-position]

◆ I k e m e n P r i n c e ◆ RIP Ice-Cream Man

Zombie ! GILBERT ⨉ EMMA . 900+ WORDS suggestive content . fluff . dark comedy zombie gore . modern au

18+ MINORS DNI

"Gilbert, come back here!" Emma shouts, syringe in-hand, as she chases her patient through the clinic's parking garage. "Oh, I regret letting you out. You told me you wanted some air! Gilbert! Damn it!" As if that isn't bad enough, she's made the supremely excellent decision of wearing pumps today.

True to superstition, her next step is a miss, and her undignified squeak echoes down a line of sedans.

Gilbert's tell-tale laugh echoes back, though his voice is muffled with distance. "Sounds like someone's tripped."

"Gilbert!"

"So you did trip? Ahaha! My cute, clumsy little doctor. Whatever will I do with you?"

Emma brushes gravel off her pantyhose before changing course for the third-floor deck. Thankfully she hasn't twisted anything. Yet. Murphy's Law is her Sword of Damocles, and Gilbert seems keen to wield it. So much so that tucking the syringe away in her pocket for now is more prayer than common sense.

At least Gilbert isn't flaking off bits of skin in his wake now. Maybe his treatment is going better than she initially thought.

"He's going to need extra treatment after I find his zombie ass," she grumbles under her breath as she flies up the stairwell.

The third-floor deck is usually where staff parks. Emma finds Gilbert sitting on the hood of Dr. Ricci's Ferrari, eating an ice-cream bar. "Where did you get that?"

Gilbert uses both legs to kick the skateboard at his feet toward Emma. "I bit the ice-cream man."

Emma side-steps. "No you didn't." It's not that she's gotten used to his dark sense of humor, but it's become easier to tell his jokes from his confessions.

Gilbert tilts his head and his bangs fall over his empty left eye socket. "Are you sure about that?"

"The ice-cream man doesn't come until 6pm."

"Have you seen him since the day before yesterday?"

Emma pauses. "No... But I don't normally keep track of his visits."

"And you didn't notice something strange about your personal fridge recently?"

Emma throws absolute daggers at him. "You said you'd follow my rules, Mr. I-Can't-Lie."

Gilbert smiles sweetly, a slightly feral sight considering how far up his cheek one side of his mouth has decayed to. "I haven't broken any rules." He shakes the ice-cream in his hand. "This would melt if I didn't store it somewhere, right?"

"And the part about biting the ice-cream man?"

Gilbert shrugs. "I guess you'll have to see if he comes in today."

"Please get down from the car. You're getting gore all over it."

"I am?" Gilbert makes a grand show of assessing his palms. "I guess I'll be taking my nap here then."

"No!" Emma is close enough now that she can reach for him, but she hesitates. A fair chunk of Gilbert came away the last time she'd had to forcefully grab him.

Gilbert's red eye narrows with amusement. "Go ahead. I like it when you take parts of me home with you."

"Oh my God, Gilbert, stop saying things like that!"

He pouts, that killer, dire, menacingly adorable pout. "And here I thought I was your favorite patient. Don't tell me you like Chevalier more? He's such a grouch."

"I never said that."

"You don't have to. Everyone knows that Chevalier―"

"I never said you were my favorite patient."

"Is that so?"

"I'm su―"

Gilbert suddenly grabs Emma's hand for a vicious tug. Before she can finish her yelp, her back hits Silvio's car and Gilbert's face fills her field-of-vision.

His hand hovers in the space above her heart. "Should I give you a little examination myself then?"

Emma gives him a mock-smile. "Do it then."

Gilbert holds her gaze, saying nothing but meeting her smile, tooth for tooth. The tips of his bangs tickle Emma's cheeks, but where there should be the sound and feel of human breathing against her face, there is nothing.

Gilbert could take a chunk out of her neck right now if he wanted. But Emma is extremely confident about one thing when it comes to him.

Seconds that feel like eternity pass. At long last, Gilbert moves his hand to take the syringe from her coat pocket. He uncaps it with his mouth and plunges it into his arm as he gets off Emma. His ice-cream sits melting in a sliver of sunlit concrete.

Emma purses her lips and adjusts her shirt. "Do you like that flavor?"

Gilbert tucks the used syringe back in Emma's breast-pocket. "It's okay. I prefer something sweeter though."

"Please don't say things like that while looking at me like that."

Gilbert smiles as he slides off the hood of the car. He turns around and offers Emma his hand. "Consider it revenge."

It's only after she's taken his hand that Emma realizes how quickly she did so, and with how little hesitation. Because it hadn't been that long ago when she'd been prone to do the exact opposite.

Gilbert helps her down and then sorts out her collar with gentle brushes of his partially-decomposed hand.

His gloves sit on Emma's desk back in her office. Suddenly she isn't so sure why they're there in the first place. She must have had a reason, and yet...

Emma tries to stop Gilbert, but when she looks over her shirt, she doesn't find any gore or residue on her whatsoever. When she looks back at Gilbert, he returns his fake pout.

"Ahh, what a shame," he laments. "I really wanted to go home with you today."

Emma dodges his gaze. Her mouth fights against the strange emotions pricking her heart. "Hurry up and get well soon then."

[jd-loves-fiction]

Hi! can you wrote the toman boys think their s/o is like, supper innocent but catching them singing an explicit song or making jokes with double meaning, maybe it can with them being horny 😳

🌑ok i hope the boys you wanted are in this lineup😅

❖ 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐧 ❖

Listen, we're starting with a complex one

He's used to mature topics and such from where and how he grew up

But once he gets it into his head that you're pure and innocent, he's not getting it out of his head

So when you make a dirty joke responding to something he said, his eyes go wide and he's just speechless for a lil bit😳

He'll probably never get used to it, you'll surprise him every time

Honestly you can easily get a lot of laughs by suddenly cracking a dirty joke or singing an explicit song and just looking at this dude's face😳 never gets old

Until he has enough of the teasing, that is👀

❖ 𝐌𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐲 ❖

Oh boy

He's kinda in the same boat since he looks way younger than he is (unless he's shirtless god damn😳), so no one expects him to make as many dirty jokes as he does, but he's a man child half the time so he does

And the moment you join in and build upon his joke, he's gonna be looking at you like "come again?"

You just shrug it off but my man gonna be thinking about it all day👀

Low-key into it🥴

I feel like Mikey really appreciates duality and unpredictability

So he will definitely bring that up during a make out session like "👀 didn't know you were like that."

Overall, he's all about it🥴

❖ 𝐌𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐲𝐚 ❖

Protective boyfriend type

He loves you and trusts you, but he babies you a lot

He's not condescending or anything, he just likes taking care of you, he's used to it

But bro the moment he overhears you and Emma singing some very explicit song on karaoke, oh boy

He is: beet red😳

At first he thinks you don't understand what it means, but he quickly realizes that can't be it with how you keep shooting him looks and winking once you notice him watching

He tries to be teasing with the way he asks about it later but you can see him blushing clear as day :)

In the end he's glad he doesn't need a filter around you like with his sisters

❖ 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐲 ❖

Omg, you broke him

This dude is so timid, almost as bad as Hakkai🥺

He laughs at jokes with double meaning but he would never make one himself, that's his brother's thing

But when you do it, all he can do is blink

Blushing so red

You making those jokes with his brother is a disaster, he’s covering his face, blushing all the way to his chest

Doesn’t know what to say but does think it’s kinda👀tho he’ll never say it

❖ 𝐒𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐲 ❖

ALL ABOUT IT

He loves it so much

The moment you show that side of you, he’s putting an arm around your shoulders and hyping you up

Giggling or straight cackling at it like it’s the best thing ever

Thinks it’s soooo sexy🥴

When you’re both alone he’ll be all over you, “That was so sexy, baby” + “Why don’t you talk like that to me more often?” 😳

Bro wants to show it off

Like, “Look at my S/O, they’re funny as fuck” or something like that

❖ 𝐁𝐚𝐣𝐢 ❖

Another one that's all about it

So smug

Does love how cute you seem, full of thots of corrupting you😳

BUT THEN YOU CORRUPTED YOURSELF HUH??

Low-key thinks it's because of him, please tell him what's up😔✋

Another one that likes to show off how innocent you seem and see people's expectations crumble when you make a dirty joke like it's nothing

Likes making those too on purpose to see if you'll catch them

Builds upon your jokes

5⭐comedy couple right here😌

❖ 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐲𝐮 ❖

Oh my poor summer child

He makes those jokes with the boys because that's what boys do, expecting you not to get them

But when you do he's... Conflicted

On one hand, more thinks to talk and laugh about with you

On the other hand, he's kinda shocked

Maybe a little embarrassed that you understood everything from the beginning 🙃

And singing? Oh BOY

He's torn between enjoying your voice and focusing on your lips saying those suggestive words😳

The later happens more often but he's never tell you :)

❖ 𝐇𝐚𝐤𝐤𝐚𝐢 ❖

Doesn't speak for like a few a minutes just😳

No thots head empty

Just, you and like WAP or something 🌝

Veryyy blushy

Will avoid talking about it like it hurts him or something

If you do make a joke like that to him, or sing to him, like purposefully tease him, boy will malfunction

Doesn't know what to do, what to say, how to respond

A soft nervous boy🥺

That side of you kinda intimidates him tbh

All the progress you made in getting him out of his shell just disappears cuz he's so nervous

And low-key feeling betrayed because he thought you were in the boat as him🥺

[scoops-ahoy-fics]

Hi!! I was wondering if you could do something with Tall! Fem! Reader and Steve Harrington? Maybe something a long the lines that he sees her sitting something and starts to flirt and when they both stand up shes his height or even a little taller, which surprises him and the face he makes comes off that hes not longer interested? A little angst with a happy ending please <3333

steve with a tall girlfriend headcannons

tall girls definitely deserve love too, and steve can't get enough of you <3

reader: female

characters: steve harrington

genre: fluff, very light angst for a hot second

spoiler warning?: none

notes: aww, this request is so cute! thank you so much for requesting, and being so kind! <33 this is a bit shorter than intended, im sorry! im short so i mean i don't have much experience in that field 💀

• The way you two met was almost as though it were out of a movie! That movie, of course, being sort of a romantic comedy. You were sitting on a picnic table in the park, enjoying some food with your friend. You two were talking about a movie that you had recently seen, and how much you wanted to see it again.

• Steve was walking along with Robin, and saw how pretty you were from afar. He was flabbergasted, looking at Robin. “Shooting my shot. Stand by,” he said with a dorky smile before approaching you.

• He sat at the picnic table on the other side, resting his chin on his hand. “I don't think I've seen a pretty girl like you around her, where'd you come from, beautiful?” he teased, a gentle smile resting on his lips. One with good intentions, one that was welcoming and flirtatious at the same time.

• The conversation continued, and you really hit it off. It was really sweet, but you both had to go soon. Your friend had to be home for some family event, but you really wanted to talk to Steve more. “Maybe- uhm- ... maybe we could go on a date or something? We don't have to if you don't want to!” you said quickly.

• “Of course I want to, meet me at Enzo's at seven? I'll be paying, just ... show up however you want to, you'll be very pretty regardless,” he laughed softly. Steve left before he ever saw you stand up. And that's when the anxiety hit you.

• The entire time you got ready, you were freaking out. Steve had never seen you stand up, which means he hadn't seen how tall you were. What if you were taller than him? It was almost guaranteed. And even worse- what if he didn't like it? What if it was a major turn off?

• You showed up in a pretty, not too fancy, dress, and flats. You wouldn't dare where heels, you wanted him to think you were as short as possible. Walking into the restaurant, you saw Steve. He immediately stood up and rushed towards you, but then his face turned a little bit. There was definitely a surprise ...

• “Woah. You're taller than I thought you'd be,” Steve laughed softly, tilting his head. He didn't really mind having to look up at you, you were pretty cute regardless.

• “... I-I'll just leave, forget it- I'm sorry for wasting your time-” you said, taking a step back and turning around as anxious tears filled your eyes.

• You felt the other grab your hand, pulling you back around. “Hey now, I never said it was a bad thing. You're still absolutely gorgeous, and so is your personality. There's just more of you to like, y'know? Let's go eat, I've been starving all day.”

• You were so caught off guard, but in that moment you realized how good of a person Steve was. He was kind, considerate, and caring, despite what you considered your flaws. It warmed your heart, and you knew you didn't want to let him go that easily.

• So you two went out again, and again, and officially started dating. He loved having a tall girlfriend, it was pretty awesome. You were pretty AND intimidating, he got the whole package in one amazing person. And he loves every inch of you, even if it's an inch or so taller than him.

[thecrabbybarista]

Day 1: stockings @12daysofhatchetfield

Emma laughed, and laughed, and laughed. She couldn't stop laughing. Her lungs burned (even more than usual, for they are infested with bubbling songs), yet she still didn't even try to stop.

Everyone else in the theatre was giggling too. It was just "polite". Pokotho spent 72 hours performing a comedy for them, so in return, the least they could give was their "manners". Plus, she was trying to grab his attention. He would pick a group of sniggles to go to Earth and be his special carolers for the year. (He loves the Christmas season, the togetherness of the holiday. He'd never admit it, though.)

And all that laughing paid off.

Paul always dreaded the wintertime. The carolers would show up any day now. Every time he heard his doorbell ring or a knock, he'd dread answering it. Even more than usual. He heard the doorbell ring. He eventually convinced himself to get up from the couch. Maybe a package came early! He answered the door to... "Wh... What?"

It was one woman, dressed head to toe in red and green. She had red bows in her hair, and holly berry earrings. She wore candy cane pattern socks. She held an empty blue present box. She didn't look... Real.

"I- um..." She whispered.

"Uh-"

"Can I... Um... Can I sing? Um... And then... You'll tip me?"

"... No."

She stared at him for a long while.

"What if I put things in your stocking? Um... Special presents!"

"Who are you...?"

She flapped her hands for a moment, and ran off.

That night, Paul noticed something in his stocking. He didn't remember putting anything in there. He reached in, and pulled out... A little bell.

He rang it, liking its little jingle. He was still confused, though.

It didn't help that he had started to see the world around him grow taller, and taller, and taller.