#It's still disappointing to confirm that people are no better than you expect them to be though

[aclownofmyword]

That's me in my daily life. I'm taller and broader than 90%-ish of my coworkers and, more importantly, I move in total silence.

I truly cover my work uniform in badges, pins and similar adornments. And this is only half because I love the fiddly things. The other half? Pins and the like tend to make a tremendous racket when I'm moving, which is seemingly vital to the peaceful work environment of others.

Without them people will just about have a heart attack when they realize I'm behind or next to them and have been for the past five minutes like a brooding phantom kaiju.

Nearly every time I take the pins off to launder my uniform I pass a couple of workdays wearing it without them (because I lack the energy to put them all back). -And then I am very quickly reminded the subtler reason I wear them in the first place by the first person I encounter in my stealthy navigations at my job. "OH YOU SCARED ME, WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?"

I choose to jingle miserably so that I am not constantly being asked "have you been here all this time?!" Or chastised "say something next time!" when someone turns abruptly and crashes into me.

It also prevents collisions when I am rounding a corner at the same time (in the opposite direction) as one of my unfestooned coworkers, because if I'm covered in badges they can hear me approaching and slow the fuck down.

“Orc rogue is terrible at stealth” is a classic gag, but I’ve always preferred taking it to the opposite extreme, because turning around and suddenly there’s this absolutely enormous fucker all up in your personal space with no clear indication of how they managed to approach undetected or how long they’ve been standing there will never stop being funny.

[leathfaic]

Ghost thinks he's cracked the code when he gifts Johnny an ultra complicated lego set for Christmas. Something to keep his hands and mind busy for a while.

He's watching, with terror and awe as Soap burns through a 1000+ pieces in an hour, with half a bottle of whiskey in him - drinking more while he's at it. He smiles the whole way through, though - and Ghost gets a tipsy peck on his cheek. Which might or might not have made the whole endeavour worth it.

"Thought that might keep you busy a while longer." he admits later, when he's deep into his own cups.

"Ach, dinnae sound so disappointed Ghostie, not'ing in there tha' can explode. Can work fast and sloppy."

Ghost just spent an hour staring at Johnny's hands and the concentration painted on his face. He knows there was nothing sloppy about that assembly. But he has to admit that compared to Soap's usual jobs, this is bound to be rather calming.

His eyes meet Price's over in another corner of the room. And the message, conveyed by a single raised eyebrow is clear. Ghost is not to add explosives to any gifts, even if it would make Soap very happy.

So naturally the next time - at Johnny's birthday - he slaps down a timer and a fully assembled lego set.

"Better get it done in time Johnny. And no cheating."

The way Soap's face lights up at the implication that there might be a bomb in his birthday gift should be concerning. But all it does is make Ghost wish there actually were some.

Johnny is a good sport about properly disassembling the marzipan compromise inside though. And just to prove he can immediately rebuilds the legos into the other figure they can form - taking a shot every time he has to look at the manual.

And when he carries his way too drunk partner to bed, Ghost vows to apply for Christmas leave. Which is something he hasn't done since...well for a long, long time.

Johnny, being the man that he is, never questions why they are going to spend Christmas in the countryside. A small cottage barely worth the name, as far away from other people as you can get on the Isles.

He just takes the chance to kiss Ghost every chance he gets, enjoying the fact that their isolation means he's getting an unprecedented amount of mask-free Simon.

"Got a surprise for you out in the shed, sweetheart." Ghost whispers when he catches Soap from behind while the man is about to open a bottle.

"Sounds like what a serial killer would say to lure ye into the open."

Ghost decides not to ponder that. With the reality of their jobs that answer... more than he's willing to argue right now.

"Should wait with that until you've had the surprise." he says instead, gently taking the bottle from Soap. Who for the first time frowns.

Ghost relents and they bring the scotch to the shed.

When Soap sees what he cooked up, he whistles low, no need to confirm that what he's seeing is the real deal.

It has taken all of Ghost's knowledge about explosives to craft the abomination. The two lego sets combined with a new third one, 6 sets of cables - all the same colour, and of course a live charge inside.

Johnny goes all still. Stalks closer like he's trying to get the drop on the inanimate object.

Watches it from all sides before turning to Ghost, "Do Ah need to follow protocol?"

His voice clearly tells him he hopes he does not have to. Ghost once again feels vindicated in his choice to move them out here, just pressing the bottle back into Soap's hand with a smile.

If this is what takes them both out then it's already worth it for the unhinged grin it gets him. Johnny's feral joy is infectious, and when he finally steps away raising his hands like he's expecting a crowd to cheer, Ghost honestly couldn't tell you how much time had passed.

He doesn't get a chance to ponder it either because the next second he's tackled by a full grown Scot with a half empty bottle of scotch in his hand and taken clean of his feet.

And if he hadn't already convinced this had been worth it, then the way Johnny makes sure to say thank you certainly is.

They do not make it back to the cottage for a good long while.

(This whole thing was inspired by my dear beloved @dismightyman who's singlehandedly holding it down in the Ghoap trenches with me)

[hyunsvngs]

𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐳𝐳𝐲 - lee minho x gn!afab reader

wc: 6.1k

rating: 18+. MDNI

cw: alcohol, normalisation of getting very wasted, smut (specific smut warnings under the cut, again minors please do not interact!)

synopsis: the best surprises come from the most unexpected sources - like having your crush corner you in a frat party after hearing you confess your deepest desires of him in the background of a video.

a/n: part one of the fratboy series. fratboy lee minho has now taken over my entire brain, my heart, and also my life, so i hope you all enjoy. PLEASE feel free to stop by our askbox to chat to me abt him because truly, i am obsessed.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

sw: swearing, dirty talk, sexy mean minho, no seriously he’s mean, thigh riding, nipple play, begging, dumbification, degradation, penetration with a finger & dick simultaneously, talks about sex slaves (maybe only slightly serious), lovely aftercare

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

When the opening notes of Half Moon by Dean met your ears, you couldn’t help but groan. You loved the song, but it signalled an incoming call that you’d been expecting all day. You flipped your phone over, confirming your suspicions; Jisung’s squishy cheeks flashed on your screen as his contact icon showed up.

“What do you want?” you asked as you answered the call, despite knowing very well what he wanted. 

At the beginning of the semester, your best friends had joined a fraternity, Sigma Kappa Zeta. It was an absolute dream - on paper at least. You didn’t have to commit to the endless fraternity obligations, which are often ridiculous and sometimes downright dangerous; although you still had regular invites to the blowout parties, owing to your connections to Felix and Jisung. You’d attended a few of these parties and enjoyed them thoroughly. Being pretty meant you got free booze, and what could be better than getting wasted for free, with two of your favourite people? While ogling their endless hoard of stupidly attractive friends, of course.

Your taste in men could be summarised as… unfortunate. You had an affinity for frat boys, the bigger and stupider the better. Muscular guys, with stupid goofy grins and sleeveless tees, bulging biceps and empty heads. Something about them really got you going, and it frustrated you to no end. But you loved to indulge yourself, and Felix and Jisung knew this all too well. And so, they were left baffled when you very quickly stopped attending these parties. Baffled, disappointed, and worst of all, persistent.

“Hey, angel,” Felix’s voice rang out from your speaker.

“You aren’t Jisung,” you stated.

“Very observant,” he responded, leading you to roll your eyes. You didn't even bother to question why he was calling you from Jisung’s phone. “Anyways, I assume you’ll be in attendance tonight?”

You snorted. “Obviously not.” 

“Y/N!” Felix’s deep voice gave way to a drawn-out whine. “Why not?”

“Cause I don’t want to spend time in your disgusting frat house,” you huffed. 

“Not even for me?” he pleaded with you.

“This isn’t working. You can’t guilt-trip me when I can’t actually see your stupid adorable face,” you pointed out.

“Fine, I’ll turn my camera on-”

“No. Look, why don’t you and Ji come drink with me in my dorm? Like the good ol’ days?” you suggested. Good ol’ days referring to a few months ago, before they’d joined the fraternity.

Felix paused for a few moments. “Fine. Maybe. Only because we miss you!”

“Come over then. See you soon!” You hung up before he could argue any more - you all knew you’d won. 

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Just moments after Jisung and Felix showed up at your door, you began to consider the possibility that maybe you didn’t win after all.

“Y/N!” Jisung cried, before proceeding to push past you and collapse onto your bed. “Why do you never hang out with us any more?!” 

You turned to Felix. “What have you brought to my doorstep?”

Felix shrugged. “He chugged like, three beers before we even left.”

"I guess we'd better catch up then." 

It wasn't long before you were all feeling merry, though it would be amiss to say you'd caught up with Jisung, given that he often seemed intoxicated even when he was sober.

"I miss you guys, too!" you insisted, hushing the boys' griping. And you really did miss them. Since classes had ended, and people had limited obligations, the frat seemed like a 24/7 party house at the moment, which meant you hardly ever saw them. "I just… these frat parties, it's not really my scene."

The look Felix sent you told you that he didn't buy it, not one bit. The look Jisung sent you, on the other hand, told you that he was currently so drunk that he had a very tenuous grasp on reality, and was just happy to be involved.

"I've seen you eye up at least three guys at the frat. Not your scene? Nothing has ever been more your scene," Felix said, his tone accusatory. "I know it's nothing to do with us. So spill. Why are you avoiding the frat?"

Jisung had wandered off to the other side of your room, where he seemed to be making a concoction of different beverages. He didn't seem to be making a mess, so you thought it best to leave him while he was quiet.

You huffed. "Fine. One of your stupid little frat bro's is driving me insane. But I won't say who!" you added hastily.

Felix's eyes glinted. "Driving you insane? In what way? Like, someone's pissed you off? Or they're making you insanely horny and you don't know how to handle it."

You hid your face in your hands with a groan. "You know me too well, Lix."

Felix laughed gleefully. "Changbin?"

"Don't start guessing! I'm not gonna tell you!"

"Chan?"

"No!"

Felix paused, thinking hard. "It's Minho."

"It’s not Minho!"

He cackled. "You're an open book, it's Minho! You're horny for Minho!"

You let out a weak whimper in protest. "I just… God, nobody's ever affected me like this before, Lix! I don't even wanna be around him 'cause I know I'll say something stupid. Or maybe just start drooling on him."

Felix shrugged. "I guess I can't blame you. He is a gorgeous guy."

"Understatement of the century," you scoffed. "If I had to choose between solving world hunger and sucking his dick, I'd choose his dick. A thousand times."

Felix, in that beautiful drunken phase where everything was utterly hilarious, was clutching his stomach, in complete stitches on your floor.

"I'm not even joking, Lix! I'd devote the rest of my life to being his sex slave. He wouldn't even need to feed me, I'll survive off his cum if I have to!"

Felix wiped a tear from his eye. "Stop, stop. You're killing me." He turned to Jisung, who was still apparently playing potions with various different drinks.

"And that," Jisung said to no one in particular, "Is how you make a Hanji Supreme."

"What the fuck are you doing, Ji? Are you vlogging over there? Get your ass over here and listen to what Y/N has to say about Lee Minho."

"Okay, bye!" Jisung said, still seemingly speaking to thin air. He turned to you, eyebrows raised. "Minho? Y/N has the hots for Minho?"

"Unfortunately," you confirmed.

"We could probably set you up with him," Jisung proposed, a dastardly grin on his face.

"No," you quickly denied. "Never. Under no circumstances do you ever mention my name in Minho's presence. Got it?"

Jisung pouted. "But then your dreams are never gonna come true!"

You chewed on your lip. "I feel like a stuttering mess whenever I even think about him. I can't imagine what'd happen if I actually spoke to him."

"Wait, you've never spoken to him?" Felix clarified, and you shook your head. He smirked. "You were saying some pretty vulgar stuff, considering he's practically a stranger."

You rolled your eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I'm a creep and a perv. That's why he can never find out about this. Seriously," you said sternly, directing this last part at Jisung. He wasn't exactly known for keeping secrets. 

Felix looked him up and down. "I don't think he's even going to remember this tomorrow, if I'm being honest."

"Yeah," you agreed. "He seems like he's done for the night." The boy was lying flat on his back, the brim of his beanie pulled over his eyes. His phone was buzzing away on his chest, notification tone pinging every few seconds.

Felix sighed. "I just hope he doesn't get one of those second winds."

“Jisung, honey, is someone trying to get hold of you?” you asked, the chiming of his phone growing irritating. You figured he’d texted one of his many booty calls and then instantly forgotten about it.

“Huh?” he asked, clearly not really listening.

Felix’s phone began to buzz on the floor. “Someone’s trying to get hold of me.” He brought the phone to his ear. "Hey, what’s up? He's - he's what?" Felix covered his other ear. "It's really loud over there, did you say he's on the table? Christ - okay, okay, we'll be right over." 

"What was that?" you asked. "Is everything okay?" 

Felix sighed. "Hyunjin's partying a little too hard. Seungmin can't deal with him alone. C'mon, we gotta go wrangle him."

"We just went over this - I'm not stepping foot in Minho's territory, not even for a second," you said adamantly. 

"Relax, he's partying with Theta Chi Theta tonight," Jisung slurred happily, sitting upright and fixing his beanie. "C'mon, Y/N, come party with us!"

Felix looked to you pleadingly. "I can't deal with drunk Jisung and drunk Hyunjin without you. Please."

Fuck. Felix knew you could never say no to his puppy-dog eyes.

"Fine."

Even with the knowledge that Minho was preoccupied somewhere else, you still felt a little wary as you stepped into the house. It did occur to you that you could be a little too terrified of this man, but you knew all too well that both your horniness and your stupidity were utterly limitless, which was always a recipe for disaster.

You heard Hyunjin before you saw him - "Why can't I get naked, though? It's so hot in here!" 

You snickered. He was still on the table, although he looked a little wobbly so you doubted it'd be too long until he came tumbling down. Jisung wandered off, probably up to no good, whilst you and Felix hurried over.

Seungmin breathed a visible sigh of relief when he saw you. "So glad you're here. Okay, I'm off duty. Good luck." He had vanished within seconds. 

Hyunjin waved excitedly when he caught sight of you both. "Hi Lix! Hi Lix's pretty friend!" 

You laughed at his drunken boldness. "It's Y/N," you corrected him.

"I know." He grinned down at you from the table, eyes disappearing into crescents. "You're brave, too," he crooned.

"Brave?" you asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"If I was you, I probably wouldn't show my face around here until the end of the semester, at least," he went on.

Felix narrowed his eyes at the boy. "What are you talking about?"

Hyunjin stared at Felix for a moment. Then switched his gaze to you. Then back to Felix. Before erupting into a fit of giggles.

"Oh my god, please sit down before you fall and crack your damn skull," Felix pleaded with the boy.

"Yeah, and more importantly, explain yourself," you added. 

Hyunjin sat obediently, pulling out his phone and handing it to Felix. 

"Oh fuck," Felix breathed. "I have the group chat muted right now." 

"The group chat?" you enquired anxiously. "Please tell me what's going on." Your paranoia was getting the best of you, and while you stood waiting for someone to fucking explain, you were slowly convincing yourself that you'd stolen Felix's phone and confessed your attraction to Minho in the most crass and unrefined terms.

This wasn't too far from the truth.

Felix opened up a video, skipping towards the end. You noticed Jisung, sitting cross-legged on the floor of your dorm room, chattering away about various beverages. More prominently, however, you heard your own voice, from the other side of the room. 

“I’ll survive off his cum if I have to!”

Your heart plummets to the ground as the memory comes rushing back. Fuck. 

You grab Felix’s arm, holding on for dear life. “Tell me this isn’t happening. Tell me Jisung only sent that to Hyunjin and no one else.”

Felix handed the phone back to Hyunjin and placed his hands on your shoulders, steadying you. “Look, it’s going to be okay. People say stupid shit like this all the time-”

“Oh look, Minho’s read the messages!” Hyunjin calls out.

You put a hand over your mouth. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

“He’s typing!”

“No!” you wailed.

Hyunjin turned his phone around once more. You peered at the screen in turmoil as three dastardly little letters popped up.

lol

"Oh, Y/N, you're so lucky he's not here tonight," Felix said, sounding relieved. Distantly, you felt a shred of relief too, although that was nothing compared to the complete and utter dread you were experiencing. Oh, the consequences of your own drunken, horny actions. Was there anything worse?

"Oh," Felix murmured, pulling his buzzing phone out of his pocket. "Oh." 

"What?" you asked.

"He's calling me." 

You called out "Don't answer it!" just as Hyunjin yelled "Answer it!"

Felix accepted the call, bringing the phone to his ear.

"Oh my god, I'm scared. Hold my hand." You scrambled for Hyunjin, who grasped your hand in his before giggling.

"Your hands are soft," he commented, apparently having forgotten the Minho debacle already. You swiftly hushed him.

Felix also raised a finger to his lips in a shh motion, before putting the call on speakerphone.

"Are you at the house? Is Y/N with you?" Minho’s voice came through the speaker.

Felix paused, looking at you with wide eyes. You shook your head furiously. 

"Uh, yeah," he answered, the traitor. You fought hard not to scream.

"Can you pass a message across?" you heard Minho ask.

"Sure."

"I'm on my way." The line clicked dead.

Your heart was hammering in your chest. “LEE FELIX WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM I'M HERE?" 

"I DON'T KNOW, I PANICKED!" he shrieked back, sounding equally as alarmed as you.

“This is crazy,” Hyunjin commented with a dazed grin.

“You are far too drunk to understand the absolute catastrophe I’m in right now!” you accused him. “Oh my god, what am I gonna do? I need to go - immediately.”

“Not so fast.”

You spun around in complete and utter horror, terrified that Minho had somehow materialised from his other party right back to the frat. Only to find Seungmin standing before you - just slightly less threatening.

“Jisung is far too drunk, and he’s begging for you,” he explained.

“God, what is in the air tonight?” you observed. “Do you guys need to do a fraternity-wide detox?”

Seungmin snorted. “Like that’s ever gonna happen. Go on, Jisung’s in his room.” 

God fucking damn it, why were you such a good friend? You tore up the stairs, bee-lining for Jisung’s room, fully intending on hiding in his bedroom for the rest of the night. Minho wouldn’t find you in there if you locked the door, right? You were even willing to put up with your best friend’s snoring.

"Hey, Sungie," you said gently as you walked into his room. You found him curled on his bed, still dressed in his hoodie, cargos and beanie. 

"Y/N… You're finally here…" he mumbled.

"You sound sleepy. Is it bedtime?" you asked, sitting down on the bed beside him. You tugged the beanie off his head, and ran your hand through his hair, scratching his scalp gently. 

"Bedtime? Hmm… No… It's still party time for now." His words were slurred, and you knew he was just minutes from dozing off - seconds, maybe. 

"Sure," you said, as it was typically better to just agree with him. "You wanna get your pyjamas on? We can have a pyjama party."

"No. I'm comfy like this." You seriously doubted it, but didn't have it in you to battle him right now.

Sure enough, he was snoring less than thirty seconds later. You wondered if it was worth shoving him a bit, to climb in bed beside him, or whether it'd be best to just run home. But you didn't know how far away Minho was, and the thought of bumping into him was too much to bear. 

You deliberated for a few moments, but Jisung's snoring was driving you insane, and you quickly realised that you weren't equipped to deal with it tonight.

You pulled out your phone, opening Felix's contact.

[10:44pm] You: lixie do u have minho's location?

[10:44pm] You: lix please please please

[10:44pm] You: felix pls i need to know how far he is

You sat on the edge of Jisung's bed, leg bouncing with nerves. Why was Felix always muting his damn notifications?

[10:48pm] Lix: idk sorry :( i think his party was nearby though

[10:48pm] Lix: look, just run to my room

[10:49pm] Lix: you'll be safe there

You weighed up your options. 

Option one: stay here with Jisung, awake all night owing to his snoring and his complete domineering of 90% of the bed space, stressing about Lee fucking Minho.

Option two: run out of the frat house, and all the way home to safety, but risk bumping into Minho on your way out.

Option three: run down the hall to Felix's room, where you can vent to him all night and then eventually fall asleep with his sunshine cuddles.

It could only be option three.

His room was just down the hall, you reasoned. You would yank open the door, tear down the hallway, and land safely in Felix's bedroom. It would be easy. 

You took a deep breath, before pulling open the door and preparing to run.

“Ah. Look who it is.” 

Shit.

Minho stood in the hall with an unreadable expression. His eyes scanned your whole frame, and he took his time with his scalding gaze. His eyes crawled all the way up your legs, lingering up your thighs. Slowly moving from your hips, to your waist, to your chest. Before landing on your eyes - that’s where his inspection burned the most. You couldn’t even breathe. 

“All bark and no bite, hm?” 

“I… I just…” you stammered weakly.

He continued to stare at you, waiting for you to finish. “You just?”

“I’m sorry!” you managed, your voice barely above a squeak.

He folded his arms across his chest, looking amused. “What, pray tell, are you sorry for? For blabbing about my dick to anyone who’ll listen? Manners mean everything, sweetheart, you could’ve just asked me nicely. There was no reason to bring everyone into our business, now, was there?”

You simply blinked at him. You weren’t capable of anything more. He was clearly waiting for a response, though, smirking over at you expectantly. “W-What?” you managed eventually.

“Or are you apologising for your dirty mouth? Honestly, I didn’t expect that from you. You look so sweet, who knew you could be so… improper.”

You felt dizzy. “Improper?”

He pouted at you, and it was dripping with condescension. “Can you speak, darling? Or are you so cock-hungry you can’t manage more than a one-word answer?”

“I-I just don’t know what to say, is all,” you whispered.

“Just give me a yes or a no,” he invited you, holding his hand out for you to take.

You gave him a slow nod, placing your hand in his shakily. He smiled as if to say ‘right answer,’ before opening the door right next to Jisung's, and leading you into his bedroom. The room was remarkably neat and tidy, and you would’ve been impressed if you could even begin to process it. All of your mental energy was focused on not combusting - or coming on the spot. 

He allowed you to step into the room before closing the door behind you. You were then quickly pushed up against it, Minho pinning you against the wood with his hips. Had that squeal really just come from your mouth?

His eyes were transfixed on your lips. You waited, heart hammering in your chest, while he had you trapped there. Until this point, you really hadn't been sure whether he was angry at you for saying such explicit things about him. The look in his eyes revealed everything - he wanted you just as badly.

He leaned in slowly. Torturously slowly - evidently, he was going to take his time with you. His lips met yours in a gentle peck, which he repeated, again and again. You sighed against his lips, gripping the fabric of his t-shirt and pulling him closer, but he merely smirked against your pout.

"Please," you breathed.

"You're so desperate," he said with a low laugh. "I could give you what you want, Y/N, but I know you wouldn't be able to handle it."

"I can take it," you protested, your voice sounding much whinier than you wanted it to.

"You can?" he asked, cocking his head and looking down at you condescendingly. You nodded insistently. "Okay."

Minho picked up the pace. His lips were soft but they bit at yours harshly. His tongue entered your mouth and you savoured his taste, sucking on his tongue gently.

Your hands went to the button of his jeans, swiftly unbuttoning it. Minho pulled away, stepping back and leaving you pouting once more. He laughed, that awful patronising sound yet again, that made your palms sweat and your thighs sticky. 

"What, you think you're gonna get my dick that easily?" he asked, cocking his head at you. "No, honey." 

"Please?" you asked. It sounded pitiful, even to you.

You watched as he went to his neatly made bed, tugging off jeans and laying back. "Come here," he instructed, lounging back against the wall. "Take your clothes off for me."

"T-Take my clothes off?" you asked meekly. It sounded pitiful even to your ears.

The look he gave you was scathing, although he did seem rather amused by the pathetic show of stupid desperation you were unfortunately displaying. "Well you can't expect to stay fully clothed if I'm gonna fuck you, right?"

You nodded, standing in front of him and looking down at your feet. "I… I feel shy all of a sudden."

"You feel shy? I don't know if you'd make such a good sex slave after all." He laughed before growing serious. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to. I'll look after you, if we do, but the choice is yours."

His kinder tone set you at ease, and made you realise that you really wanted this, you were ready for this. It also brought about the realisation that you much preferred it when he was mean. You didn't want to dwell on what that meant, though. 

You gathered your courage and slowly pulled your clothes off, standing before him in nothing but your underwear. Minho said nothing, but you felt as though you were on fire under his gaze. 

He wasn't the only one who was enjoying the view. Your eyes traversed his toned thighs, mouth watering as you thought about how it'd feel if he were to press one between your legs. He wore plain white briefs, and you couldn't help but stare at the prominent bulge inside them. Even semi-hard it looked huge. You noticed it twitch ever so slightly, as he looked over your exposed body.

Minho spread his legs slightly, before tapping his left thigh. "Come on, darling. I know what you want."

Was he a mind reader? You wasted no time, climbing onto the bed, straddling his thigh and beginning to slowly grind. He tensed it, so firm and strong beneath you. The perfect platform for you to drag your clit across. 

Minho's hands went to your waist, holding you gently, guiding you as you rolled your hips.

"That's it, baby, there you go," he encouraged you. The friction was enough to make you sweat, the pleasure overwhelming you. He was right - maybe you couldn't handle this. You couldn't even imagine how overwhelming it would be to actually feel his hands on you, feel his dick inside you. 

His dick.

You could see it growing harder in his briefs, a small damp circle near the head where precum had leaked. You couldn't resist the temptation any longer; your hand reached out almost involuntarily, cupping his bulge gently. It was firm, and warm, and growing bigger seemingly by the second.

Minho took your hand, instantly re-directing it. "No, no, don't touch. Not until I say you can."

"But I can see how hard you're getting," you said. "You want it, Minho!"

"Unlike you, I know how to restrain myself." He patted your waist gently. "Keep riding."

You gave a frustrated huff, but did as he said. 

Minho brought a slender finger down to your crotch, hooking it around the fabric of your underwear and moving it out of the way. "Let me see that pretty pussy," he murmured.

The new exposure made you moan aloud, hands gripping Minho's shoulders firmly as you rode him.

"Please," you whispered. "Please, Minho."

"Please, what? Use your words."

"Please fuck me," you asked.

He pretended to consider it for a moment. "Hmm… No. Not yet."

You groaned. "I need it, though!"

Minho snickered. "Don't be such a brat. I want to take my time with you, okay?"

"You can take your time next time! Just - please - fuck, please, I need it."

He raised an eyebrow with you. "Oh, so there's gonna be a next time, is there?" 

You ignored his quip. If you couldn't get in his pants just yet, you'd focus your attention elsewhere. You lifted his shirt slowly, revealing his stomach, where you found lightly toned abs that only made you more desperate to feel him. Miraculously, he humoured you, pulling his shirt over his head.

You gasped, running your hands down his chest. He was beautiful, tight pecs and perfect little nipples that stood to attention in the open air of his bedroom. You ghosted a finger over one of them, entranced.

"I thought that'd shut you up," Minho commented under his breath.

"Beautiful tits," you muttered unintentionally as you admired his pecs.

Minho smiled. "I could say the same thing about you, angel." He placed a hand on your back, pulling you closer and bringing one of your nipples into his mouth. He wasn't gentle about it, sucking and biting without holding back. You cried out, your hips pausing their grinding motions, your system completely overloaded by his harsh actions on your sensitive nipple.

"Keep riding," he mumbled, not even taking your nipple out of his mouth as he spoke. 

You dragged your clit across his muscular thigh, whimpering loudly as you went. "Oh god, please, Minho! I need you inside me." 

"Then beg for it."

You wasted no time. "Please, Minho, please, please! I need your cock, I've never needed anything this bad. I know I'm just a filthy little slut but please give me what I need, fuck, I'll die if you don't!" 

"You really are a filthy slut," he agreed, lifting you from his thigh and laying you on his bed. 

"Yes, yes, please Minho!" you babbled.

He pulled your underwear down, leaving you completely naked before him, before tugging his own briefs off. 

Holy fucking shit, you thought.

His dick was beautiful. That was the only way to describe it - fucking beautiful. It was long, with a vein running along the underside, and the girth was decent too. The head was thick, and red, and if you weren't so desperate to be fucked you would've sucked on it for hours. 

"I know you want it," Minho said. "But do you deserve it?" He stroked his dick slowly, and you watched as the head disappeared into his fist, emerging again as his hand ran along his shaft.

"I don't know, but I need it," you insisted. "I'll do anything." 

Minho shook his head, but he looked smug. "Alright, baby. If you need it that badly."

"Yes, yes, yes," you chattered, intoxicated by a dick that you hadn't even felt yet.

He pushed your knees up to your chest, and you hooked your arms around them, holding them in position and peering down to watch his motions. "Such a perfect pussy." He rubbed the head of his dick across your clit, and you whined loudly. Distantly, you wondered if the sounds of the frat party below would even be enough to drown out your incessant noises of pleasure. It was irrelevant, though; you didn't care enough to stop.

He dragged his dick through your folds, over your hole, back up to your clit. Minutes ago, you would've killed a man to have Minho touch your pussy, but already you wanted more. He made you so greedy. It felt good but your thirst for more was unbearable, intolerable.

"Alright, baby, are you ready?"

"Yes!" you cried out.

Slowly, he sunk the tip of his dick inside you - just the tip. Thick as it was, it slid in with hardly any protest. He sighed as it went in, clearly needing the sensation more than he let on.

"More," you pleaded.

"You'll take what I give you, when I'm ready to give you it." Minho saw you roll your eyes at this, but said nothing.

He pushed the head in and out of your hole, never putting more than two inches inside. 

"Please give me the whole thing, Minho!"

He simply shook his head. "You wouldn't be able to handle it. Dumb baby."

"I can handle it!" you insisted. "I swear I can!" 

He looked at you, raising an eyebrow that told you he was unconvinced. "You can?" You nodded. "You're gonna cry like a little baby." 

"Just give me your stupid dick right now!" 

Minho laughed, shaking his head. "Alright, baby. Here comes my stupid dick."

He held your legs down against your chest, and slammed his whole length inside you. You saw stars. He thrusted, hard and fast, and you were somewhat aware that you were moaning probably louder than you ever had before, but all you could truly focus on was his cock filling you up. He was hitting your g-spot on every single thrust, grunting as he fucked you.

"God, you're tight," he groaned. He re-positioned his hips, and somehow managed to hit deeper. You felt him against your cervix, and cried out in pain.

"Too much," you weakly protested as your eyes filled with tears. 

"I thought you could handle it?" he said, his voice lacking any sympathy. "Fucking pathetic, begging for a cock you couldn't even take." 

"I-I can, just not so deep."

Minho smirked down at you. "It's not my fault my dick's so big," he said, but adjusted his thrusts slightly anyway. 

"I can take it," you promised. "I-I can take anything you give me, Minho."

"That's right, baby. My filthy little whore." His voice was calm, but his eyebrows were furrowed and sweat was dripping down his forehead - the pleasure was overwhelming him just as much as it was destroying you. 

Minho leaned down, connecting his mouth to yours as he fucked you. You sighed happily, wrapping your arms around his neck and taking his tongue into your mouth. You couldn't help but moan. His dick fucking your pussy, his tongue fucking your mouth. This was heaven, you were sure of it.

He pulled away. "You think you could take some more?" 

"More?" you asked, eyes wide. 

"Just a little more. For me?"

You nodded hesitantly.

Minho paused his thrusts, but before you could whine in protest, you felt his finger rubbing at your opening. Slowly, he pushed his index finger inside, along with his dick. The painful stretch was incredible, and you whimpered at the feeling. 

"There you go, babe," he said, beginning to thrust once more. He closed his eyes, losing himself to the sensation. "Fuck, this is nice and tight."

You were barely even lucid at this point. You babbled incoherently, unaware of what you were even trying to say. You were completely and utterly spellbound by his dick, by the sweet burning stretch. 

"Touch yourself for me, baby," Minho directed you. 

"F-Fuck- I don't know if I can-"

"I thought you wanted to be my sex slave, hm? Pretty little slaves do as they're told." 

You whined, but obeyed his command. "M-Minho… I'm gonna cum if I keep going."

Minho barked out a laugh. "Cum then. I don't care. But don't take your fingers off that pussy, not even for a second."

You were beginning to think that maybe you weren't cut out for this. You hadn't even reached your climax yet, and already the overstimulation was too much. Your stretched out pussy was throbbing, and you jolted each time Minho's dick pounded your g-spot. You were drenched, covered in your own sweat as well as Minho's, which was dripping onto you from his hair, his forehead, his neck. The air in the room was thick, and smelled entirely of Minho - you were covered in him. He looked like a god above you, fucking into you like it was his life's mission.

It was too much for you to handle, without a doubt. And yet, you'd be happy to spend the rest of your life underneath him. Or on top of him. Or in any position which meant his dick could be inside you.

"Minho… Minho!" you whimpered.

"C'mon, baby," he encouraged you, his voice strained. From the sounds of it, he wasn't far from finishing either - although you got the sense he could keep going all night if he willed himself to. "Cum around my cock like the dirty little whore you are." 

That was all the prompting you needed.

Your ears started ringing. You let the almost unbearable feeling of ecstasy wash over you, flooding Minho’s cock. You knew you were crying out maybe a bit too loudly - but you didn’t care, thrashing in Minho’s hold and grasping the bedsheets for dear life as he fucked you through it. He didn’t slow his pace, riding out your intense orgasm caused by the man of your dreams and making you feel as if you’d been set on fire.

"Does that feel good, baby?" Minho crooned, continuing to fuck you as he went after his own orgasm. You could only manage a high-pitched whine in response. "Just a little longer, baby, you can do it. Just lie there and let me use your tight little pussy, that's it." His voice was hoarse, and the veins on his neck were prominent. You knew he was going to cum soon, but you didn't know if you could hold on. You were over-sensitive to the point of pain, hands gripping Minho's bed sheets.

"Cum - give me your cum," you urged Minho. "Now, please."

His eyes widened. Your command had seemed to catch him off guard a bit. He pulled out of you, and you watched as thick ribbons of pearly white cum oozed onto your abdomen. You gasped gently as you watched. It was perhaps the most beautifully erotic thing you'd ever seen. His dick was definitely a contender for the prettiest one you'd ever fucked, and his cum was thick and heavy, dripping from the tip like a waterfall.

"Thank you," you whispered. He leaned in, kissing you deeply. He tasted like sweat, hot and sticky, and you moaned. 

He pulled away, before planting one more kiss on your forehead. "You're welcome."

Minho stood, going to the other side of his room. You tried to follow him with your eyes, but you felt so weak and tired that they slipped shut immediately. He returned seconds later, and you lay still, sighing as he cleaned you up. His touch was so gentle, so soothing, so different than it had been just minutes before.

"That better?" he asked, discarding the towel.

You nodded. "You want me to go crash with Felix?" you asked, unsure of what exactly this arrangement was.

"Nah, you reek of sex. Felix wouldn't want you." He helped you climb under the covers. "Plus, I wouldn't mind some company tonight." He slid into bed beside you, and you rolled over, laying your head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you, and you felt incredibly safe secure, especially considering just how utterly terrified you'd been of this man a few hours ago.

You giggled softly, so tired and fucked out that you felt a little delirious. "Can't believe you fucked me, Minho."

Minho gave a short laugh. "Can't believe you convinced me to fuck you so easily. You're a little minx. I really wanted to play with you some more."

You nestled into his chest. "I guess there'll have to be a next time then, huh?" 

"Yeah," he agreed. "If you're lucky."

"You wanna fuck me again, Minho, I know you do," you mumbled. "I saw the look in your eyes when you came. You need my pussy."

Minho was silent for a few seconds. "You're awfully bold for someone who was crying on my cock ten minutes ago."

"...Yeah." 

"Get some sleep, sweetheart." No more than ten seconds later, you were sleeping in his arms. 

You slipped into the land of dreams, where you went on to fantasise about Minho - his thighs, his neck, his tummy, his hands. His kisses, his touches, his dick in your throat, in your holes. Minho everywhere. Were you completely insatiable? Maybe. But it seemed very likely that he'd give it to you again. In your sleep, you smiled.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

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[sixosix]

can you do an aether x reader lil one shot please!!! my baby gets no love ;( I'm fine with any story or plot but maybe one where they've been travel buddies for a while and his feelings have just been bottled up over time and he just explodes in to a confession and then some cute fluff from there!!!!!!

a/n wc 1.6k there are tears in my eyes as i write this i love aether sonmuch. also sorry if this is all over the place i was trying so hard not to turn it into another 10k word fic…. ft. lyney

aether doesn’t vividly recall the moment his feelings blossomed. there was no pinpointed moment, only all of it growing restless inside him.

he likes to keep his team to four people maximum, oftentimes none at all—just him and paimon to worry about as they move from region to region, friends made yet no proper strings attached. it’s for everyone’s sake, as aether doesn’t plan on staying too long in one place. that’s how it should’ve been.

you appeared one day, demanding to take you in his team. just for liyue and then you can separate ways, you said.

“i’m visiting my awfully quiet lover to break his silence. i need to figure out why i’ve stopped receiving letters,” you explained, blinding him with your bigger-than-life personality.

and because aether is a weak, weak man to people who don’t know how to back down, he agreed, albeit hesitantly. “alright,” he said in defeat. “just liyue?”

“just liyue,” you affirmed, beaming as he’s accepted you probably easier than you expected.

just liyue is a lie, and he should’ve known it the moment he had to confirm it. he didn’t bother with formal introductions and keeping conversations, knowing he wouldn’t see you again anyway. it didn’t help that paimon adores you, expressing her loud disappointment when you have to part ways with them.

paimon floated lower than usual. aether sighed. “should’ve known you’d grow to love someone who spoils you with sweet madame more than me.”

“hmph! y/n’s nicer to paimon than you!”

but he does see you again some time later, facing a large tree, kicking it out of frustration. it’s pouring heavily; your clothes are soaked.

“am i scary?” you asked when aether and paimon approached you, staring ahead, fists trembling.

“what’s wrong?! did something bad happen?” paimon fluttered around you nervously, unsure if she could touch you.

“he’s not dead, at least,” you said bitterly. “just too cowardly to tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore. i suppose it was better breaking up face-to-face than through letters.” you sighed bitterly, shoulders hiked up to your ears as a fresh wave of quiet tears washed over you, muted by the rain. “this is embarrassing, getting dumped because i was too much.”

“it’s not. you came all the way from mondstadt just to see him. didn’t he at least care about that?” aether asked, which might’ve just been his longest sentence yet. why were you out here soaking? if it were him, he wouldn’t have been so rude to leave you astray during a thunderstorm.

“i can’t force him, if he doesn’t want to see me. i’ll be alright, i promise.” you rest your forehead against the bark of the tree, water sliding off your cheeks—aether isn’t sure if it’s the rain or your tears.

he understands, possibly more than anyone.

and aether—still a weak, weak man when it came to people breaking down in front of him, knowing what it’s like to lose someone so dear to you—gently says, “xiangling told us there’s an event holding place here later. you’re coming with us.”

just liyue was already a warning in itself that it would never be just as that.

you weave yourself in his life as if you were always there, fitting in like you haven’t met him and paimon just a few days ago. he tries to convince himself that he’s doing this to cheer you up, but you’ve been making him smile more than they do to you.

he would turn to his side and see you feeding him a chicken-mushroom skewer after a short battle, insisting even when aether says he’s not as injured as you may think. he would turn to his side and see you and paimon laughing over something he missed and find himself grinning as well.

he would turn to his side when you tug on his sleeve, shyly asking if he’s willing to take you to inazuma as well because you didn’t want to stay in liyue if they weren’t here anymore.

“sure,” aether would say. he’s a weak man, and you were holding on to his cape, looking so adorable that aether wanted to melt on the spot. but that’s a normal reaction to cute things, probably.

taking you to inazuma turns into bringing you along to sumeru, then eventually fontaine, until everyone is convinced you’re a staple in aether’s adventures: aether, paimon, and y/n.

this is what it’s like to have a good team, aether persuades himself. a good team, a useful asset, aether reminds himself sternly as you slice a ruin cruiser off of existence with fierce anger in your eyes and a stick of tricolor dango in your mouth. you wave at him after, beaming, and his heart does something weird.

and now, when some of his friends suggest that he lays you off even just for a day so he can have three other people who work together seamlessly with him, he dismisses it quickly—without thinking. he already works best with you by his side. if they want to come along with him, they have to accept they’re coming along with you just as well.

“thanks for letting me join you,” you whisper one night, lying on the grass and watching the stars with him. you turn your head and meet his eyes, smiling softly.

“of course,” aether says. of course, because now he can’t imagine what it’s like to not have you with him. “i’m the only one who can handle how scary you are.”

you scoff, gently punching his arm as he laughs. “shut up, idiot. you know what i mean.”

i know, aether wants to say. but would that be too much? aether doesn’t want you to think he’s trying to replace someone important in your life this quickly.

you are scary. you’re terrifying him with all these unwanted feelings he doesn’t know what to do with. but aether wasn’t lying, either—he can handle fear just as well.

and now, as aether watches lyney grin and kiss the back of your palm, aether’s chest burns with something unpleasant, sitting in his stomach and urging him to take action. a rock under his shoe. he does not like it, not one bit.

“uhh,” paimon shifts nervously mid-air. “paimon thinks you should stop glaring daggers into lyney before he notices.”

“glaring daggers? i’m not glaring daggers,” aether hisses. his fingers are starting to ache with how painfully he’s clutching his sword. “no daggers here…” he curses as he watches you grow increasingly flustered.

the sight startles him. not your expression, not lyney’s clear provocation, but aether’s stance towards it.

“i thought we’re friends with lyney again?” paimon asks, terribly confused.

“the best of friends,” aether says, marching over to the scene. paimon makes a disbelieving noise.

lyney smirks knowingly as aether gently tugs on your arm. “oh,” lyney says, all sly, more of a fox than a cat, “i didn’t know you were already spoken for. i do apologize for the misunderstanding.”

you glance between an amused lyney and an irked aether, dazed. “i’m not…?”

“your jealous boyfriend says otherwise,” lyney snorts as aether bristles.

aether glares heatedly at lyney, even as the latter backs away with a smug grin. “y/n, let’s go. there’s nothing else to do here.” he’s being rude. he doesn’t care. his mind is blank—or maybe it’s running miles per minute, and he struggles to keep up.

and because you always listen to aether, you let him drag you off, nearly failing to wave goodbye to a chuckling lyney. lyney calls for paimon, distracting her as aether continues walking away from the scene.

you turn to aether, barely able to keep up with his hurried steps. “whoa, whoa, hey, aether—aether, are you okay? your face is so red.” you touch his cheek, and he crumbles. “aether.”

he halts, frowning at the ground. frustrated.

“aether, is there something wrong?”

that’s the thing. aether doesn’t know what’s wrong. he was content with watching you from afar—content with your stars slowly aligning with his as he stands back and watches it happen. he was content with not doing anything about it. but not doing anything about it would mean everyone else thinks you haven’t got aether wrapped around your finger.

“sorry,” aether says. to the painful beating of his heart, restless with unexplained fury. “i didn’t—”

“…idiot.” you always tell him that. you’re the only one who calls him that, but he knows that were they to try, he wouldn’t let it slide so easily. “it’s okay to admit you’re jealous. it’s cute.”

it is not lyney’s flirtations that tip aether over; it’s the sweet smile you give him, the gentleness of your gaze, and your face so close to aether’s that you and him share the same breath. what tips him over is all of it crashing down on him, as daunting as a fight, as abrupt as the beat of his heart:

oh. oh. is that it?

aether doesn’t vividly recall the moment you wormed your way in. maybe it was the moment you jumped down from a tree branch and scared the wits out of paimon, only to demand nervously he take you. maybe it was the moment he softens when your shoulders shake and rain pours relentlessly overhead. maybe it was the stab of jealousy seeing someone else try to steal you away from him when you so obviously belong to him as he belongs to you.

it doesn’t matter.

“i want you,” aether says, then blinks when you do a startled take. “no—no. i mean. i… like you. and i want you to stay. here. not with them. not anyone else.”

“stay right in front of you?”

“in front, beside—doesn’t matter.” aether grows weak, limp as he presses his forehead against yours. “i just want you.”

“okay,” you smile, tipping your chin to kiss his cheek. his heart soars. “that’s all i needed to hear.”

[capseycartwright]

oh what a terrible honor it's been (to learn that my blessings are things you call sins)

Hey God, it's me, Eddie. I hope you don’t mind that I’m sitting in your house thinking gay thoughts.

Eddie couldn’t help but giggle to himself as he thought the words. If he couldn’t be a bit silly while having a sexuality crisis in a Catholic church – when could he? 

Christopher leaves for Texas, Eddie goes back to therapy, unearths an emotional lockbox he had been fourteen years old when he buried, and has a lot of thoughts about how Buck is sunshine incarnate. In hindsight, it probably should have been obvious he wasn't straight.

ao3 link

t’s been a long time since Eddie Diaz had set foot in a church – of his own accord, at least. He’d been to the christenings and communions and confirmations of all of his various nieces, nephews, and cousins, he’d sat stiff in the pew as he’d watched friends, and family get married, trying his best not to remember how own wedding day, the way Shannon’s hands had shaken in his grip as they promised to love each other until death do them part, both of them young, too young to understand the covenant they were signing up to. Eddie had been there, for all those occasions, but he hadn’t gone to mass, or even sat in a church, just because he wanted to in a very long time. 

He wasn’t even really sure if he wanted to be there today, but it was a Thursday, and Christopher was in Texas, and Eddie wasn’t working, and he’d been having an extended mental breakdown for the last few weeks, and before he knew it, he was sitting in the pew of St Brendan’s Catholic Church, listening to a softly spoken priest with an Irish lilt to his accent – faded, after years in America, Eddie presumed, but still there, noticeable in the inflection of certain words – recite the Our Father. 

Eddie had never been to St Brendan’s before, but it felt like every other church he’d been to in his life. They didn’t all look the same, necessarily, though they followed the same format, rows of uncomfortable wooden pews and an altar decorated in gold, as opulent as it was suffocating. Eddie had thought it beautiful, before, the way Catholic churches were decorated in gold and jewels, believing for so much of his life that the wealth honoured God – but living life had made him learn the grandeur and displays of wealth were nothing more than indicative of the wealth the Catholic church had hoarded while their devout followers starved, all in the name of faith and of God. True faith didn’t need to be gilded in gold to be sincere, he’d decided.

Eddie had never been to St Brendan’s before, but mass was the same. It didn’t change – though the wording of some of the prayers did. He’d sort of been checked out of being a regular churchgoer by time they had changed some of the prayers, only discovering the difference when he confidently started to recite it wrong at his youngest niece’s communion, his mother fixing him with a glare so icy hell might have frozen over under the power of Helena Diaz’s gaze alone. He’d never learned the new ones, not really, and so Eddie just recited the one’s he’d learned for his own confirmation, the words falling from his lips, muscle memory more than it was faith now. 

Our father, who art in heaven – hallowed be thy name . 

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh, a little, as he murmured the prayer. Hallowed be thy name. He knew the prayer talked about God, their holy father, but the prayer had always made him think of his own father, of the way Ramon Diaz was a hallowed man in his own right, how he parented with an iron fist and expected to be obeyed. 

Things were getting better now, with his dad. Maybe – maybe that was part of the fear. Eddie had always been afraid of letting people down, but more than anyone, he was afraid of letting his father down – of seeing that look of disappointment set into every crease of his father’s face, an expression he’d been on the receiving end of for more of his childhood than he’d like to admit. Eddie had tried so hard to make sure he was never on the receiving end of that look again, but nothing he had ever done was good enough – not marrying Shannon, not the way he had tried to take responsibility for his young family, not the army, not the man he had been when he’d come home from Afghanistan. 

Distance had lessened the number of disappointed looks, but Eddie knew that was because he was simply not seeing them anymore; he was sure his father sometimes frowned at the phone when they’d finally call, silted conversation about Christopher and life at the firehouse the best either of them could muster. 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was getting better. 

At least it had been, until his parents had taken Christopher with them to Texas. It hadn’t helped their relationship – but it hadn’t hindered it as much as Eddie had expected either. He was never going to thank them, for the way they had swooped in, ready to take Christopher at a moment’s notice, but he could thank them for giving his son the space that he needed to process. Eddie couldn’t give him that space, right now, but he was grateful someone could. Still – he would be ready to drive to Texas at the drop of a hat when Christopher decided he was ready to come home.

Things were getting better, that was the thing. His dad called, every night, to update Eddie on Christopher’s day. Eddie could hear the familiar sounds of the Diaz backyard as his dad softly spoke, telling Eddie about how Christopher had been to the lake, with his cousins, and how he’d finished another book, and how he was helping Helena to make dinner, right then. It had filled the gap until Christopher had started to call Eddie himself, his voice tinny as he mumbled over the phone, things not quite back to normal, Christopher not willing to talk to him about anything except Marvel and Minecraft and how abuela’s tamales were better than Eddie’s, but better than they were, at least. 

Every time they were on the phone, Eddie reassured his parents that he was working on himself. He was back seeing Frank, every week, and at Frank’s encouragement, he’d joined a veteran’s support group. Eddie wasn’t exactly the picture-perfect military veteran he assumed he needed to be, to join a veteran support group, but the rag-tag group that met at his community hall every month weren’t exactly the flag-wearing, gun-toting veterans he’d expected them to be. James was a 63-year-old man from Massachusetts who ran the group – he had moved out to LA to live with his daughter after he retired and referred to himself delightedly as a stay-at-home grandfather. Luisa was a vet around Eddie’s own age, and she’d gone back to university after she got out of the army and got a fine arts degree. She liked to paint, and talked about her wife with a reverence and openness that Eddie could only admire. 

He hadn’t said a word the first time he went, and Buck had sat in the Jeep in the carpark, a ready-made escape plan for Eddie in case he decided it was all too much. Eddie had sat quietly as the group had chatted, drinking tea and coffee out of flimsy paper cups, and eating homemade biscuits – made by James, who, as it turned out, was quite the prolific baker – and he’d watched. He’d watched as the group had talked about their bad days, and their good days, and how they were coping with life after the military, and not a single glorious war-story was exchanged. 

That was when Eddie knew it was safe to keep going. He was never going to be a man who was proud of his service, and he didn’t want to have to attend a support group of people who’d talk about their time in the military like it was the good old days. He had spoken a little more, the second time he went – Buck doing his groceries, two streets away, rather than sitting in the carpark – and he’d introduced himself, his voice gruff as he tried to figure out what version of Eddie he wanted to present to the world. 

Eddie was still figuring that part out – the version of himself he wanted to be, that is. 

He was figuring himself out. That was the point. He was trying, he was really trying – and people could see that, Eddie was sure. His parents said they could, at least.

Which was why he was here – in a church not dissimilar to the one he’d attended every Sunday in El Paso growing up – on his knees, praying to a God he wasn’t sure he actually believed in for guidance. 

read the rest on ao3

[bronx-bomber87]

Good Evening amazing fandom :) This was very light Chenford wise. And I'm ok with that when the main SL is really solid like last week was. Now Nyla's stuff was good. That new serial killer made my skin crawl. Could go without FBI guys being involved but get why they are. Mainly a Bailey/Balian heavy ep. Which I knew we'd have at some point given the finale.

I mean that with zero offense to anyone who loves her character or this ship. You should have eps around your favs. It's an ensemble cast after all. How it should be. They are just not my cup of tea is all. So this impressions will be shorter than usual due to that. Looks like next week will more than make up for that. Let us dive into what we did get shall we?

7x05 Till Death

This was a really smart move on Lucy's part. Going to his high school counselor. No better place to get the truth on this kid than her. She’ll have good insight. Like Tim said last week, Lucy isn't satisfied with the answer she got. This is proof of that heh I love her for it. We all know our girl isn't one to quit. Tim's answer last week did little to assuage her worry. So here we are at Ridley's H.S.

This scene explains that outfit now too. I remember people thought her being a detective was the reason. When her tik-tok came out with it the buzz about that was unreal haha But sadly tis not the case. Not disappointed with her being a T.O. at all though. Just remember the excited theorizing about it. We had nothing to go off of. So we dined on the crumbs we got for months LOL

Lucy making Seth cough up all his BS is fantastic. That’s my girl. I absolutely loved that she didn’t let him get away with it, not even for a second. She not only forced him to admit he lied, but also made him reveal the real truth behind it. I wanted to sucker punch him as he spoke. So many lies. Holy shit. They just compound when you do that my man. His reasoning is crap like I expected it to be.

That he uses half truths to get out of trouble. That's not great reasoning to explain what you've done.... It's pretty awful reasoning tbh. Also the thing is he’s lied so much now I can’t even trust that's even true. Idk how Lucy can. It's written all over her face how over his bullshit she is. Said this before she's a ten but real bad at hiding her feelings.

She is wearing them all over her sleeve this entire scene. No way he didn't sense her annoyance. Or how very done she is with him and his excuses. I mean I don't blame her. How can she train this kid without ever trusting what comes out of his mouth? Literally could lie at any given moment. Really dug himself a hole. Lucy looks so frustrated and upset. I hate this. Doesn’t even know what she wants to do with him....

Oh my Timothy, that’s quite the description of what a relationship is my love. It's almost like he has first hand experience what a healthy relationship looks like... We all know that's what he had with Lucy till he destroyed it. *sigh* He’s just a grumpasaurus cause he’s post-Lucy. He lost his constant sunshine person that made him softer.

It was self inflicted as we all know. That doesn't meant it isn't still having lasting ramifications for him due to it. Also he had a bad experience with that whole thing. So the rant makes sense and is warranted. Luna even explains why Tim is that way. I do adore her. Always sunshine and light with her kindness towards Miles. Twas nice to see.

Lucy coming to find her person always makes me happy. Suspicions confirmed. So naturally she must go find hubby. I love his ‘Uh oh.’ When she closes the door. Lucy spewing all she has on Seth to him. Expecting him to to be just as outraged as she is. Disappointed when he isn’t more upset along with her. His logic is sound though. Even if they wanted to boot him it wouldn't be a easy sell with Grey.

A man who is SO stressed about the budget and their perception to the public atm. So I get what Tim is aiming at. Doesn't make it less crappy to deal with though. I have been there in my last job. Where morally I didn’t want to keep someone. But we were so understaffed they let them stay for just that reason. Even when I objected. I hated it sfm. Every fiber of my being loathed mentoring someone who didn't deserve to be there. So I empathize with Lucy so very much with this.

Tim ‘I bounce boots for breakfast.’ Bradford Lmao I’m dying. I mean no one calls out Tim like our girl. Hot damn. I do love her for it. But of course he’s turning this into a learning moment for her. Because it's Tim. Saying it’s on her to correct it. I mean he’s not wrong… But it’s agitating nonetheless. Since he hasn't lied officially it's a moral issue and not a legal one since its not work related.

Which beyond sucks. No two ways about it. Especially since Lucy has been a good teacher to him. He's taking advantage of that wholeheartedly. He wouldn't have made it past day one with Tim. But he sees Lucy's empathy and is exploiting it. *grumble* Her smile at the end with Tim isn't without a little flirty energy I will say. I will take my crumbs in a lighter episode for them.

Then immediately after Tim leaves the problem walks himself right in. I said this last ep, every time he opens his mouth I dislike him just a little bit more. He opens his mouth and I lose patience for him. I can't imagine being in Lucy's position with Seth. If the writers intention was to have me dislike this kid they're doing a masterful job. All I see is a little weasel not worthy of Lucy's time now.

I’m 100% with Lucy not trusting him. He’s gonna have to earn back her trust ten fold. If that's even possible. I would say he gets ten percent of it back and he has to earn the other ninety. That he's lucky he even gets ten. She crushes him when he uses the excuse it's stressful. Straight up OWNS his ass. We can see him panicking to get her back on his side. But that ship has sailed good sir. Not only has it but he is very aware of it.

Man when you have Lucy Chen giving up on you. It's bad my friend. Really all Lucy can do at this point is be a good leader to him. Only way to save herself when he flames out. It’s on Seth to ‘fly right’ as he put. Been there it sucks. Nothing worse than having your trust broken by someone you’re training. Because now everything is colored by that distrust. That empathy you once had has wained quite a bit if you have any left at all. Lucy did not get an easy first rookie. phew lord.

We come to the end of the episode and it's clear Lucy has sat on this the entire day. It is our girl after all. I do love that she keeps gravitating back to Tim. Makes my heart happy. Even though she is one to make the call she still needs him by her side. Friggin adore he doesn’t hesitate to go with her to Grey. I love it sfm. Goes from grumpy to supportive in a second when he realizes she needs him.

That she has a plan in action. That really she's come to him for support not advice this time. He doesn't blink before he's at her side. Not only that but not taking any shots at her decision. Wanting to give her all the confidence by backing it. (How very far we've come with that) Lucy is looking elated he’s coming with and supporting her.

I was thinking time to boot that little schmuck. I said couple eps ago I was kind of hoping he'd wash out. Then this happened. His "cancer" is back……He literally tipped his hand twice with her in this episode. Saying when he thinks he is in trouble he does half truths. That when he is panicked and stressed that's his go to. Then all of a sudden his cancer is back that same day. How very convenient of those lab results to show up right now.

Tim's face is everything LOL He is now over this dude himself. The look they share is top notch though. Silent communication at it's finest. How can she say no when he says his “cancer “ is back? And in front of Grey who has zero idea about her suspicions. This feels like a ploy to keep himself safe. He could feel Lucy turning on him.

Could sense the tide was turning against him in the worst way so he did this. I could be wrong but this feels pretty right. Lucy holds his fate in her hand. So what better way to stay afloat than to use cancer. She can't possibly fire him now can she? Ugh. This little shit being far more of a problem than ever expected. Holy cow. I honestly expected Miles to be more of the problem but here we are....Shall be interesting to see how the pans out.

Now let's talk about the most exciting thing that happened which was the promo after this ep LOL Other than the little Chenford we got this ep didn't do much for me. Other than anger me against Seth lol This was a just a fillery place holder to get to this one IMO. The description alone has me amped. "The Gala" It’s Valentine’s Day, and Lieutenant Grey gives Tim and Lucy an unromantic assignment, while John and Celina track down a missing girl. Later, the team sharpens up for a charity gala where multiple relationships come to a head." Hard to believe been a year since she got her necklace. I'm not crying you are.....

Now this promo had me wishing it was next week. The promo had me all jazzed this morning. Oh my lord. Genny is back! Also Tim looks soft as butter for her in that promo. Man is transparent af. Saying how good she looks in front of people? I did say continue being this way and he is following those instructions ha To say I am excited for next week is an understatement.

Thank you to all you glorious readers. You make all the effort I put into these worth it on the days where I'm tired af and assembling these. The likes, lovely comments and reblogs make my heart happy. So never can thank you all enough for the love. Shall see you next week in 7x06 :)

~~~

Side notes-Non Chenford

Bailey sending notes to the hitman in secret. Yeah that’s not good for your marriage.....

Nice Texas has an a lovely lady at his side. Not so great she just showed up ha

PTSD for Nyla poor woman. Possible bad needle? Yikes…The stress that would give me my god.

Bailey got Jason killed holy hell....She pretty much just committed murder. She is an accessory to murder now. So that's fun for her. lol Also little anti climatic he just got offed after hunting her for months. I was more shocked he killed the girl than Jason tbh. But oh well. Least it's over early in the season.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I've been trying to focus on thinking about things I enjoy about the idea of the TWST anime. And regarding overblots, I think an anime version would really help illustrate (even more) how terrifying the process is. I really like how the manga shows Riddle's OB, and I love anime as a medium, so I'm pretty hyped to see how it will be conveyed in it.

I really hope they accentuate the horror of it- I'm aware that they might not go all in w the horror like I would personally like, but the thought still excites me. What kind of music will they play? Will the animation change like it does in some animes when the characters are distressed (wobbly lines, glitchy effects)...? What sort of directions will the voice actors get? I mean, they already voiced the game, but anime gives them more room to do voice stuff. I'm really hyped for this aspect tbh...

And I'm also excited for the possibility of dubs, since I'm quite a fan of the whole dubbing world. (I know some ppl have their fears about this last possibility, but in my case even if it turns out to not be so good, I think we could still have a good time w something like that. Plus I've seen some popular eng dub actors hyped about the anime and wanting to be casted for certain characters)

I also wanted to apologize for my previous ask ᕙ⁠(⁠⇀⁠‸⁠↼⁠‶⁠)⁠ᕗ I already did so in the comments, but I felt bad about doomposting on your inbox. My mind's first reaction is usually to see the negative first and become anxious, and it's something I'm working on, but it sometimes goes out of hand. But now that a bit has passed, and specially thanks to your advice, I can sit down and try to focus on the things that excite me rather than the ones that scare me. Sure, building too much expectation could backfire at the end— but as you said, we have little to no information at this point. So I think focusing on the things I'd like to see is a better usage of my time. If they turn out to disappoint me... That's something I'll worry about next year, I'll suppose. I'm still a bit anxious and scared, but there's also lots of things I'm hyped for. I'll try to take your advice and focus on those. 🫂 Sorry if my previous negativity made you uncomfortable.

[Referencing this news! Asker’s prior post here.]

I’ve seen a lot of fans speculating that the OB transformation sequences will resemble magical girl ones! While that’s a fun idea, I do feel like it makes more sense for the anime to portray OB as something scary and all-consuming, similar to how it is depicted at the end of animated dorm commercials and in the manga. For the characters experiencing them, it’s not meant to be glamorous… All that agony, the dripping ink leaking out of their orifices and dripping like blood. Overblot looks incredibly horrific, and I think that should come through in the animation—whether they change the usual style for these segments or keep it the same.

I think the anime would reuse (or maybe do remastered versions of?) the Twst soundtrack for a lot of the show. The compositions are already there, so might as well. Maybe experiencing the anime will help to make the music more memorable, since it seems the game soundtrack alone isn’t doing it for some fans.

No clue about the JP voice cast; I did see some people worrying that they could replace the game’s voice cast for the anime, but as I’ve mentioned already, that’s an unfounded claim. If the usual VAs are there, surely they won’t just reuse the already recorded lines from the game?? 😂 I’d think they’d at least have to rerecord those based on how the script and its scenes are laid out, plus additional dialogue to fill in the gaps (such as new scenes).

No confirmation of an English (or other language) dubs yet either! (Again, this is another topic related to the anime that sparks worry, but I must stress that it’s pointless to get into a tizzy about something that isn’t concrete yet.) But yes, I’ve already seen English VAs expressing interest in certain characters; Daman Mills wants to audition for Malleus, Alejandro Saab has made it known he has Twst on his radar and wants to voice Leona, etc. (The latter has done Twst dorm leader impressions for fun before; I think Mr. Saab could make for a decent Leona or even Malleus!)

Don't worry about the previous ask ^^ I think it's better that we discuss these things with one another rather than post or tweet into the void and allow those negative feelings to fester. If you want to view it in a different way, think of it like the OB boys actually getting therapy/finding someone to confide in instead of being allowed to stew in their own emotions and risking OB a second time. Sometimes all it takes is that gentle nudge or a reminder to step back and take a deep breath. When we let our emotions get the best of us, we end up thinking and acting in irrational ways, and then that can lead to people--whether yourself or others--getting hurt.

[letterex-fyofm]

tskym thought because finals are over wii

Most people talk about how Tadashi puts Tsukki on a pedestal. I actually thought that the first time I watched Haikyuu. I thought that Tadashi's moment consisted of him standing up to Tsukki and pushing him off the pedestal and finally having both of them stand on the same level

Now I rewatched Haikyuu, and rewatched it again and again. Read bits of the manga, watched stage plays, read Furudate's statements, you get the gist.

I don't think Tadashi ever put Tsukki on a pedestal. I think we can all agree that Kei is pretty cool. If anything, his moment at the Shiratorizawa match served to confirm it to us. Tadashi always saw his friend for who he was, someone cool. Yeah, Kei may not view it that way. We know very well how low his self-esteem used to be. Which is funny, since his best friend looks at him as if he is the one who hung up the stars in the sky. Kei doesn't think he is worthy of that look, and he tells Yamaguchi to be quiet. Because he knows how it feels to admire someone so much and then be disappointed when they fail to reach your expectations. Akiteru lied to protect the image his little brother had of him. Kei tells Yamaguchi to be quiet to prevent other people get that image of him which he thinks it's false.

But Tadashi laughs and says a sorry he doesn't really mean, because Tadashi knows it is true. And thus, Tsukki gives up and rolls with what Yamaguchi says.

That's what gets Tadashi so mad. Because he knows his friend is so cool, so why is he acting so lame? Tadashi never says "you're lame", but "you're being lame". He never chews down Tsukki in his rant but instead reminds him of the attributes he has. Tsukki is tall, he is smart. He could be the best if he wanted. Why can't he see that?

Tadashi didn't kick Tsukki from the pedestal he had built, because there was never a pedestal in the first place. There is a popular phrase that goes around everywhere: what I would give to make you see yourself in the way I see you. For me, their fight in the training camp was Tadashi shoving a mirror in front of Kei's face, both to make him realise how lame he is acting and how much it didn't suit someone as cool as him.

But Kei doesn't see that, because he is too busy seeing Tadashi.

I think Kei too had the image of Tadashi that I used to have: that Tadashi had him on a pedestal. And of course, that is not really cool. Kei resents his younger self for putting so much pressure on his brother. Maybe he thinks that, even if Tadashi was sincere, their friendship was not. For him, Tadashi loved someone who Kei was not. Just like little Kei admired someone Akiteru was not. Was that maybe why he appeared so closed off to Yamaguchi during the first chapters?

But Tadashi had the guts to grab him from his collar, jank him front and back, and yell at his face: What more do you need than pride.

So, Tadashi sees Kei as who he is. A flawed person, who is still cool. And the Tadashi who was a reflection of Kei's younger self, a lost boy who didn't know better, that image shatters in front of Kei's eyes. Because Tadashi was never looking up to an illusion but looking at Kei straight in the eyes.

And the Tadashi Kei sees is someone really cool. And that really cool guy thinks he is cool.

So, even if he is not convinced, he goes to ask for help to gym 3. And we know the rest of the story.

[willowser]

touya + eggplant ; 3.2k ੈ‧₊˚ for our meet fruit collab ! ‧₊˚✧ ₊˚

touya's message comes across in the early afternoon, when you know he should be working.

the image that comes to mind is — hilariously sweet: him in ill-fitting trousers and freshly combed hair, leaning too far into some desk as he fiddles with his phone. biting his lip, most likely, running the very tip of his tongue across the hole his piercing left behind; amused.

it'd be even better, you think, if he wasn't sending you three eggplant emojis and nothing else.

it's bold, and startlingly so. enough that your heart rate skyrockets and sweat forms instantly on the back of your neck, in the creases of your palms, as you overanalyze three cartoon vegetables harder than you ever have in your life. you could easily believe he's sending this as a drunken joke, but he's been stone-cold sober since he was released, and if that had changed, even in the slightest, yumi would have told you.

you type out four different variations of the same question — asking what the hell that's supposed to mean — before sending none of them. are you...being a weirdo? eggplant emojis are inherently sexual, right? and maybe touya's been away for a while, but surely he would know that. right? in a single, wordless text, he's managed to make you sixteen again; too young to be crushing on your best friend's older brother.

— though you think of him now as he was only days ago: eyes clear and focused, razor sharp and set on you from across the todoroki living room. the very memory makes your stomach churn, violently; just a kid that should be worrying about their studies, and not about a boy that wouldn't give you the time of day.

before your thoughts can get themselves any more scrambled, another text follows suit:

yumi wants to know if u wanna come for dinner

eggplant, you tell yourself, as in the actual food that people eat. the actual vegetable, and not the dickish inquiry you thought it was. you do your best to ignore the little wave of disappointment that washes over you, and then the following crash once you realize that you wouldn't actually mind if he was asking after what you thought he was asking after; you, carnally.

you collect yourself enough to send him a normal, not weird text in response confirming that you'll be there, and his thumbs up comes across almost instantly. as if he'd been waiting for you.

touya was always in and out of their house when you and fuyumi were in school, but you caught him every now and then when things were good. safe at home, doing his best to hold down a job and stay out of trouble, soaking up a warmth from his family he never got as a kid, when their dad was around. how couldn't you have developed such a crush on him? to see him happy and whole, more dangerous than anyone expected, mysterious in a way that excited your teen heart — and kissing up to his mother at the dinner table?

you're not delusional enough to think he ever noticed you or your big goo-goo eyes, but sometimes he would stick his head into his sister's room, to grin and wiggle his eyebrows at you, before getting pelted in the head with a stuffed animal and chased away. it earned a high-pitched laugh from him, more of a game than anything sincere, but you still thought of him while staring at the ceiling in your own bedroom, wishing.

in all the time he was away — in rehab or jail or who-knows-where — you thought you'd outgrown your juvenile infatuation, but — here you are, still, with fevered cheeks at the very thought of him.

here you are, still, taking care to choose your clothes for dinner, as if it were only going to be you and him. fussing with your hair for far too long, as if he would notice. making little crescents with your nails into your palm outside the door to the todoroki house, as if you haven't been here thousands of times.

you've seen him since he's been home, of course, in the last few months, but there's been this weird aura surrounding you both, worse than it was when you were younger. you're tip-toeing around each other and you both know you're tip-toeing, and he's always wearing his little smug smile and looking too long. it's hard to be around him, really. a little easier to text, but every winky face he sends only winds you up even further.

when the front door swings open, you hold your breath unintentionally, neck straining until you realize —

it's only shouto.

"hi!" you say, trying not to sound as winded as you feel, though shouto — as usual — is unimpressed.

he blinks at you, two-toned, and almost rolls his eyes like the rotten teenager he's capable of being, attitude too much like touya's. there's a little doughy dumpling in his hand and he turns away from you while using it to wave further into the house. "she's in the kitchen."

fuyumi, even though you didn't ask. you follow him in and stick your tongue out at the back of his head, before going off to find your best friend — who is, indeed, in the kitchen, surrounded by bowls and utensils and too many real, actual eggplants.

"what did you do?" you ask upon seeing her treasure trove of purple veggies on the counter. "rob a farmer?"

there's really an absurd amount of them, though she doesn't look up from cutting one into little rangiri pieces. "no, actually, they were on sale at the farmer's market!"

you eye one closest to you before poking at it, oblong in shape and — kind of ugly. it feels odd in your hand when you pick it up, but that's probably because you're hyper-aware of every sound in the background of the house, of the burning embarrassment tucked away in your pocket in the form of touya's three emojis. shamefully, your thoughts take a dark turn, and when fuyumi finally glances up, you toss the vegetable back onto the counter too fast.

she snorts and shakes her head, pushing up her glasses with the back of her hand before pointing at the little steamer basket of dumplings near the stove. "try one! before shouto and natsuo eat them all."

you consider it for a moment before weighing just how much eggplant it seems you're going to consume tonight, and decide to wait until after dinner, if they're still there. along with her veggies, she's got a little tub of red miso out and also some pork frying in a pan, as well as too many bowls in the sink already. though you admire her passion for cooking, you know she'll wait to clean until everything is plated, and no one else will help her, so you take to starting on the dishes instead.

the frown she sends you can be felt, but you've been in this kitchen long enough that you think she should just give it up.

there's such comfort to being in here, with her, maybe because you really have done it so many times by now; the water is warm as it runs over your hands, sending little goosebumps up your arms, and you nod your head absentmindedly to the sound of her knife against the cutting board. you absorb the heat from everywhere quickly, and when you begin to smell the garlic and ginger cooking, you feel like a warm, doughy little dumping yourself.

you get lost in it with her and all the tension from the day melts, dissolves completely when you can lightly hear fuyumi humming over her sizzling pan. she tells you about some other things she bought at the market, gossip about a mutual friend you both have, she asks about the shirt you're wearing and why she's never seen it before, and you're rinsing your hands of dish soap when you hear her squeal—

"ah! get out!"

when you peek over your shoulder, you can see touya there, leaning too far over her own, smiling with full cheeks as he investigates what she's cooking. half of a little dumpling is in his hand and he looks down at it, makes a face before turning it over, and then he places it right back in the steamer.

"ew, gross!" fuyumi nudges him away with her elbow before plucking it right back out, trying to hand it back off to him. "nobody wants your half-eaten food."

and then, much to your horror, right in front of his sister — touya's eyes cut across the kitchen to you. one corner of his mouth quirks up in his little smirk and then you're whipping back around to look down in the sink, despite it being empty. his stare can be felt, too. you wonder if it's a todoroki thing.

"ew," fuyumi mumbles. you feel like you've been caught in some kind of way, though you don't doubt she clocked your affections for her older brother the minute they developed.

it's not something she's ever spoken directly to you about, however, which you're grateful for. you don't know how you would be able to handle that discussion, but she's always made sure to pass off the odd and unprompted little updates about touya over the years.

when he speaks again, it's clear his mouth is full. "shouto said he's not settin' the table."

"okay, then you go do it."

"no," touya snorts, "he's the youngest, that ain't fair."

"and you're the oldest, so you can ask him to do it."

"he doesn't listen to me and you know—"

"alright!" fuyumi sighs, and when you peek back at them, she's shoving her knife into his hands and shaking her head to herself, before stalking out of the kitchen.

you unravel out of your little dumpling warmth immediately, though your goosebumps return in full force. touya grins at you, happily, and tosses the kitchen knife in his hands in a way that looks too proficient, too dangerous for what it is. your teen heart thumps loudly in your ears, charmed and enamored by his tragic mystery.

— and then you take in his still-pristine work outfit, openly, now that he's watching you; slacks a little slouchy on his narrow hips, white shirt buttoned up to his neck. the tattoo there is covered up by bandages on purpose, and though he means to simply hide them from view, it only sharpens all his edges.

the small pink, hello-kitty band-aid on his cheek helps, too, in a cutesy way. makes you all too aware of how much has changed over the years. how much he's changed, all the work he's had to do, the dues he's had to pay. your heart swell stubbornly, seriously, and you try to shake it away.

your voice starts out small, embarrassingly enough. "you look nice in your fancy office clothes."

touya's hand slip into his pocket and he rocks back and forth on his heels once, pleased, before looking down at his loose tie. "think so? you like a white-collar man?"

you look back to the sink, shy. it pulls him in; a moth to the flame of your hesitance, and it's not a moment later that he's leaning up against the counter beside you, watching your heated face carefully. the knife at his side gleams in the kitchen light and — you're not afraid of him, couldn't be, but you wonder if anyone else has ever been.

the truth of what landed him in trouble with the law is unknown to you, the one thing fuyumi never shared, and you can't help but to be curious as to why. you're practically family at this point and it's not as if you could ever look down on them, ever, and while you couldn't possibly understand the horror they went through with their father — you can sympathize with the fact that it wasn't easy. that he left scars they'll always nurse.

touya's always been so out of your reach, despite being just down the hall. blame it on time or the slight age difference or your relationship with his sister; it's hard to hope that he could be here, at your side, truly. finally.

instead of answering, you simply turn so that you're facing him, hip leaned against the counter, and the bright eyes he has on your cheeks are almost impossible to be at the mercy of. even worse when his smile grows, boyish-ly cute.

"what, coming on too strong?" he asks, laughing quietly when you put on a brave face and roll your eyes. "figured the emojis would'a opened the door a little."

your cheeks flame, and you press your hands into them to tide back your smile at how — flirty he is. the step back you take doesn't go unnoticed. "i couldn't even believe what i was seeing when you sent those."

"oh, yeah?" the tone of his voice changes then, shifts a bit lower. if you weren't tracking his eyes as they shift down to your mouth, burning a little brighter, you might've though you'd upset him or said the wrong thing. "what'd you think i meant?"

you glance away from him, directly at the ugly eggplant you'd been fiddling with earlier, and the dark thoughts return. when you don't answer right away, he reaches over to flip on the tap, running the knife blade underneath the stream as you map the wide expanse of his hands, the length of his fingers. small, translucent scars litter his knuckles.

"i don't know," you lie, and then it seems like you have said the wrong thing, this time; touya turns a little, placing all his attention in the dish soap and the sponge you'd left out to dry.

you are sixteen, speechless, nervous by his proximity—

"you seein' anyone right now?"

—but this is not the same boy that left you behind.

you have to laugh in order to keep yourself rooted to your spot, here on earth in the todoroki kitchen, and it brings his attention right back to you. "uh," you say, lamely, "what?"

it makes him laugh, too, all your sputtering. "yeah, c'mon. i mean, i know i'm fucked in the head, but," and then he really laughs, open-mouthed, showing off the piercing still in his tongue. "i'm workin' on it, and stuff. renewed and reformed, or whatever."

"hang on," you shake your head quickly, frowning at him as you replay the words over and over; his self-deprecation is so genuine that you almost missed it. "i don't think you're...fucked in the head."

"well, that makes one of us—"

"no, touya, i'm serious," the step closer you take has him looking away, down into the empty sink; hilariously, a mirror of yourself that you never could have imagined seeing. it does strange things to your heart, your stomach, and your nerves. makes you bolder than you really are. "i've never thought that."

he doesn't say anything for long time, choosing to watch droplets of water as they fall from the faucet. his jaw works in the silence, like he's chewing the inside skin of his cheek, like he's thinking too hard.

and then he says, quietly, "i know." he continues without looking at you, sensing the confusion on your face. "i know you never did, 's'why i couldn't..."

you blink, lost suddenly in the meaning of his words and their whirlwind. you think back to all the times he grinned at you from fuyumi's doorway, how uninterested he seemed in you from across the dinner table, his silence on the rare occasions you were alone together.

you've known touya since you were fourteen and he was fifteen. you remember when their parent's got divorced and when touya got his license and when he got locked up, the first time. you've known him through so many of his bad moments and it never dimmed the little stars you had in your eyes for him, and you once thought that was a bad thing, that it would only lead to heartbreak time and time again from him. you once thought it was something only you and fuyumi knew about.

"i am tryin' now," he continues with a sigh, a little winded. "seriously. got this shitty job and am goin' to my meetings. not as big of a piece of shit." when you start to object, he shakes his head and holds up a hand to stop you from arguing. "i know, i just mean...you wanna white-collar guy, i'm a white-collar guy."

you feel shy again, especially as the high points of his cheek flush pink. boyish-ly cute. "so that's why you sent me three eggplant emojis instead of just asking me to come eat dinner?"

touya snorts. "yeah, like i said, i'm workin' on it."

"no, i..." it feels wrong to admit anything to him like this, so close as his grin grows on his handsome face, dimples showing. you've been thinking about moments like this for years, but now that it's here, you feel a little dizzy, looking into his bright eyes. "i like the eggplant emoji." you step away from him for just a moment, to grab his half-eaten dumpling, and his expression grows serious — a little dark — as you nibble on it. "i like the way you...do things."

his smile grows knife-sharp, something he's too good at wielding. "well, in that case—"

"can i come in yet? our dinner is about to burn."

you both whip around to take in fuyumi, hovering at the edges of the kitchen with her arms crossed. watching on, her cheeks tinged pink, too. you try to step away, embarrassed and caught, but touya only leans in, knocking his hip to yours.

fuyumi rolls her eyes at him, but the small smile she sends you has you wanting to be swallowed up by the floor; this isn't a discussion you've ever had to have with her, but now — it's inevitable.

you suppose you can't complain too much.

"okay, you had your moment, now get out," she sticks her tongue out at touya before shooing him away, making a small noise when he pinches your elbow teasingly. it makes him laugh when she swats at him, and he only holds up his hands and tries to drop all his weight back on her as she steers him out of the kitchen.

you fish the knife out of the sink and return to cutting another eggplant once she's back and stirring in her leeks and little miso mixture. the moment is tense between you to begin with — but then she's humming quietly under her breath and knocking her hip into yours, too, tucking you back into the comfort of this house you've always been in. this family you've always loved.

"you know," she murmurs eventually, rolling her eyes with another smile when you glance up at her face. one of the eggplants is weighed in her hands, and even she frowns down at it, before shaking it at you in a way that makes you both laugh. "he made me buy these, by the way."

—tucking you back into the comfort of this family that has, maybe, always loved you, too.

[stylespresleyhearted]

CCG — NEW BEGINNINGS

masterlist can be found here

note: @blainesebastian only has herself to blame for allowing me to spiral in the dm’s. dad! austin blurb all the way at the bottom based on ccg universe hope you don’t mind mccall. 😭🥹🫶🏻

-

hollywoodreporter Divorce rumors continue to swirl as Austin Butler is spotted catching a Broadway play with younger actress Kaia Gerber.

view all comments

butlerfam This means nothing. He is allowed to have female friends.

fan13 I’m scared but it might be true even @jillian.mua unfollowed him

butlerfam She unfollowed everyone who didn’t follow her back not just him.

hater101 i always knew she wasn’t the one for him lmaooo good for you austin! kaia is way prettier!

ccgupdates We don’t know anything and we should focus on being respectful, for their sake and especially Luci’s.

people Austin Butler and @coffeegirl spotted running errands in Los Angeles separately. Despite them being in the same city no photos of the two of them have been captured and divorce rumors continue building. This marks the first time she is spotted publicly in two months. Their reps refused to comment.

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fan23 cmon @people be better than this. i expect this shit from dailymail but not ya’ll

user12 PSA: husbands and wives DO NOT have to do everything together.

hater101 okay but he had a date w a model ten years his junior who is way prettier lol they’re so over

fan12 Starting to believe it’s true because why wouldn’t they just deny the rumors?

fan13 she looks like she’s crying

fan24 yeah looks like it might be true … i’ll never forgive austin if it is she’s perfect for him and that means he left his family for a nepo baby

hater2 Finally I was tired of her using him for fame he is going to be so much better off with Kaia she actually is on his level

liked by ashleybee, coffeegirl, and 98267 others

austinbutler ✈️

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ashleybee Favorite girl always ❤️‍🔥

fan23 does this mean he got custody

fan13 THEY AREN’T DIVORCED 🙄

user11 lmao ok that’s why he’s all over kaia gerber and if they were still together he would have posted @coffeegirl too but he didn’t and he liked kaia’s recent ig post

fan13 yeah bc they’re friends thats it

user11 they were spotted hanging out alone again on deuxmoi’s sunday spotted

hater101 @coffeegirl he left you so now all you can do is like his posts 🤣

austinbutler has disabled comments

tmz BREAKING NEWS: @coffeegirl spotted with mystery man in New York City confirming divorce rumors with Austin Butler.

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hater101 lmaooo what a slut

butlerfam You’re ridiculous. You praise Austin for being seen with a model and bring her down for being seen with a friend.

user13 that doesn’t look like a friendly touch

fan43 I’m so disappointed. No photo of her for three months and when we finally do get one she’s with another man.

ccgupdates She’s been hiding from the public, she’s obviously going through something. And that’s a co-worker, Ronald, he’s worked with her on multiple projects.

user41 isn’t that guy ronald someone austin hates bc he’s always overly friendly w her??? and she allows this ???

liked by fan11, fan12, and 714 others

austinupdates At tonight’s screening Austin talked about how his daughter Luci changed his life positively in every way possible. He didn’t mention his wife.

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ccgupdates That last sentence is so unnecessary.

fan13 he usually always thanks her though

butlerfamily In the past seven months she’s only been seen publicly twice. It’s obvious she doesn’t want attention right now for some reason and maybe he’s respecting that.

fan13 what could possibly be the reason? why the 360 all of a sudden?

hater101 he left her and she can’t accept that

liked by hater1, hater2, and 59176 others

dailymail After a decade together it seems Austin and his wife have divorced. He is seen solo with their daughter, Luci, once again. It has been nine months since the couple have been photographed together and @coffeegirl has chosen to deal with it privately, according to sources as she has only been seen publicly twice this past year.

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fan14 I refuse to believe it until it comes directly from them.

ccgupdates That is not confirmation.

hater101 all these weirdos in denial still GTFO IT

user12 I am so heartbroken. I thought they were forever.

austinupdates All we can do now is respect their privacy and support them. I’m sure Luci remains their top priority.

jillian.mua You lot are ridiculous.

coffeegirl and austinbutler posted

austinbutler and coffeegirl I took some time for myself to ensure the safe arrival of our baby boy. Our family has never been happier than now for the next chapter in our lives.

I understand this can be hard for some to process. Sending you all love.

view all comments

ccgfan OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY ??!! 🥹🥹❤️❤️ CONGRATS !

jillian.mua I beg you guys to never stop collaborating 🫶🏻

ashleytisdale LOL YES! Love you guys!

ashleybee Having you in Arizona while you were growing the little bean was magical. We miss you already. I love you guys, thank you for making me an auntie again. I’m proud of you, Austin, and I see Mom in those little angels. 🪽 

austinbutler I love you Ash ❤️

coffeegirl All your love and support was essential, thank you. Luci and baby boy are begging to call tonight.

tomhardy Congratulations 🎉❤️

florencepugh Going to do another movie with you for some more baby time 👀💗

jodiecomer Fuck yes, so much love ❣️

pollybennett So happy for your family! Real ones always knew the thought of you divorcing was absurd 😉

~ comment liked by austinbutler and 17891 others 

butlerfamily I knew it was all bullshit. Their love is true. They’ve stated they only wanted one child previously so I wonder if this was a surprise or plan, but whatever it was, I’m so happy for their family.

coffeegirl Surprise LOL 😂🫶🏻 but we appreciate the constant support from your page. We see your love ❤️

blainesebastian HAHA take that haters!!

-

She lays her feet on his lap, head thrown back in exhaustion and finally content to have some relief. She’d been swelling all day and her skin felt tight.

“What bullshit,” Austin says, pausing his ministrations to glare at the TV. She wiggles her toes to get him to continue, sighing contently when he does so.

She thinks of the past year and the rumors that have swirled. At first it began small as fandom drama and as time went on media outlets began to pick up on her absence as well. She and Austin were aware that there’d be some push back but it never occurred to her the length people would go to proving they weren’t together and had both seemingly moved on.

Arizona had been her safe haven. She was thankful for Ashley being willing to watch Luci at any time, for Austin’s grandparents who cooked her favorite foods every single day, and his father and step-mom who bought her body pillows and slippers and anything she may need to feel better.

She thinks of Austin and what he must have had to face bouncing back and forth between Los Angeles and New York and Arizona to keep her happy and relaxed. She hadn’t faced the paparazzi or the fans but he had multiple times and he remained patient and understanding of her needing to grow their baby away from the public eye.

Peeking an eye open, she finds him still glaring at the TV. She’s unsure why they’re even watching but she’s too lazy to reach for the control. He’s got on his grey sweatpants, soft against the skin of her legs, and white T-Shirt with his thin gold chain. She smiles, feeling love and gratitude and disbelief swell in her chest that this was her life, this wonderful man was her husband, and they were going to welcome another baby together.

It may not have been planned but it was a happy occasion all the same.

She sits up, planting a big kiss against his cheek. Austin turns, eyes crinkled with his smile.

“What was that for?” He plants his own kiss on her forehead.

She shrugs, “Just felt like it.” Her eyes are welling with tears and she’s sure if she begins expressing her gratitude to him the waterworks would fall. She hopes he knows though, hopes he can feel it radiating off her.

She thinks he must, because he pulls her in closer with an arm around her shoulder, tucking her face into his neck. She presses another kiss to his collarbone as he places his other hand against her belly. Immediately there’s a kick.

She grunts. “He always knows when it’s you.” When Austin had to travel it’s like their baby boy knew and he wasn’t happy, he’d begin spinning and fluttering in what she assumed was his version of a tantrum.

“Mom-eeee.” Luci joins them, pointing to the TV where her face is gracing them. She grimaces at the photo chosen and Austin laughs, kissing her hair. “Say hi to brother.” Luci falls to her mom’s lap to press a kiss on the belly, right above Austin’s hand, and begins mumbling secrets. She feels more fluttering in her belly and by Austin’s smile she’s sure he felt it too.

“I love you.” She says, peering up to him. He hums, leaning down to steal a kiss.

[swanimagines]

Hi! Can I get Luke Patterson + Where Do Broken Hearts Go by One Direction? Thank you!

A/N: I've missed writing for JATP 💖 Yet another innocent victim of Netflix's murdering spree. I have no idea why I've constantly pushed my JATP requests back because these are super fun! This is kinda a sad one though because of the song, sorry. The dice chose this request out of the ones I had inspiration for on that moment because I couldn't choose, but the next one of my JATP wips will be fluffier. It doesn't have a schedule yet though 😅

A reminder that this is the last oneshot-sized song based fic. From now on, all oneshot requests require a proper plot. Check my "request types I write" page for details if you wish to request a oneshot.

WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO

You never really moved on from Luke.

It wasn’t really because of lack of trying. Over the years, you tried — Lord, how you tried. Your friends set you up on dates, you went to speed dating events whenever you were invited to come along, you even briefly dipped yourself into online dating when it became a thing. Every time, it ended the same. A nice dinner, maybe a movie. And then came the part where they wanted more. Where they wanted to meet with you again. Where they wanted to know you better. Where they — maybe — had developed a crush on you.

And you just… couldn’t. You felt nothing for those people. So it always ended the same way, a polite smile and a rejection, explaining that there’s nothing wrong with them, but you can’t feel the connection the same way they do. Sometimes you learned afterwards that the man who had been interested in you turned out to be a dream boyfriend for someone lucky, and your friends jabbed you a little, telling you that you could have been that person if you just had given him a chance.

It hurt, even though you agreed that clinging to your childhood sweetheart after 25 years was stupid. But you never got to say a proper goodbye. When you had seen him for the last time, you had felt annoyed because he cancelled your second anniversary date because of an Orpheum gig practice. You had tried to hide it and pretend to be happy, but Luke had seen you weren't as happy as he expected, but he promised to make it up to you later. Still, it was such a small thing, you had been so angry at yourself afterwards because the gig was a huge opportunity, a chance of a lifetime, yet you had voiced your disappointment about your cancelled date like a petty child.

Well, you were a teenager, strong emotions with disappointments like that were normal. But… still. You felt so horrible after.

25 years had passed from their death, and something changed.

Items misplaced. Your favourite vinyl record had somehow traveled from your shelf to the player without you even touching it. Your Sunset Curve shirt was on your bed one morning as you woke up. A scent of deodorant in the kitchen, and you swore it was the brand Luke always used. You hadn’t smelled that for 25 years, and now it just… came to your nose all of a sudden.

Every time something strange happened, you closed your eyes and told yourself that you were just tired and stressed. The boys’ death anniversary was coming up again after all.

And after a few days, the strange occurrences stopped just as quickly as they started.

But then, something happened. Good Morning America had this segment of a girl named Julie, who played with some Swedish boy band, and they were somehow streamed as holograms to play with her at first but had now come to the States for a proper tour. You didn’t pay much notice to it at first, the TV was on in the background while you did dishes, but then… one of the boys sang.

And you recognised it immediately, and had to run to the living room to confirm.

Luke. Along with Reggie and Alex.

And they didn’t look a day older than they did when you last saw them.

How?

The segment went through in a blur, you barely heard what was said, you just stood there with a towel in hand, wondering if you’re becoming crazy, or if this is a dream.

As days went by, it became clear that it wasn’t a dream. And you knew you couldn’t just stand by, you had to find them. You had to find Luke.

So, when you caught an ad for one of their gigs, you snatched a ticket and made your way to the venue a few months later.

You felt ridiculous standing there, in the middle of teenagers and young adults, snapping selfies of themselves and gushing how cute the boys were, while you were there, feeling so out of place. You hadn’t gone to gigs for years, it felt so foreign now. And to be honest, you started having second thoughts. Would you even see Luke? What would you say to him?

What could you say to him?

You stood there throughout the whole gig, just staring at Luke, before they left the stage and you hurried forward to catch one of the staff members.

“I need to get to the backstage,” you told her, and she raised her eyebrows.

“Meet-and-greets were sold out weeks ago, and unfortunately—”

“No, I… I know them. From… before. Please, they want to see me.” You hesitated, but then told her your full name. “Tell Luke Patterson I’m here. If he says he doesn’t know me, then I’ll go. But please, just go ask him, tell him my name.”

She stared at you for a moment longer, clearly hesitating whether to believe you. You knew it was probably weird to her, maybe even creepy, a middle-aged fan potentially obsessing over a teenage boy. But finally, she sighed. “Fine. Wait here.”

You let out a breath. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

She disappeared around the corner, and you could almost hear the blood rushing through your veins from how quick your heart was beating. It took only a few minutes, but you felt like it was hours.

You still didn’t fully believe this wasn’t some crazy dream. Or maybe you had died yourself and this was the afterlife? Or you were in a coma and this was a dream. You remembered reading about a man who hit his head and dreamed about a full life while being unconscious, and when he woke up with paramedics around him, he was left mourning after his wife and kids who had never existed.

You weren’t sure if you wanted this to be that kind of phenomenon. On the other hand, you wanted nothing more than to meet Luke one last time, tell him everything you wanted to say before he died, and maybe finally be able to move on. But on the other hand, you weren’t sure if you would be able to take it, your life had moved on while he had been frozen in time. You weren’t sure if you would be able to let go of the memory of him. You weren’t sure if your broken heart would finally find its way home after all.

“Alright, you may come backstage, I will personally see if they do recognise you as you say. No funny business, alright?” a deep voice interrupted your thoughts, and you met eyes with a bulky security man who fumbled with the lock of the gate before opening it.

“Of course not,” you murmured, and slipped through the gate before he locked it again.

You followed the security guy through a narrow hallway, catching glimpses of staff members doing something, but your eyes were fixed forward, your heart thumping faster and faster.

Finally, you stood in front of the dressing room and the security guy glanced at you before he knocked twice.

“A visitor for Luke,” he called out, and you heard steps from the other side before he pushed the door open and gestured you to enter. You hesitated, glancing between the door and him, before you managed to force yourself to step forward.

You stood at the door for a good minute, taking the sight in. None of the boys didn’t notice you at first, probably exhausted after the gig. Alex had a towel over his shoulders, Reggie was tuning his guitar, and… Luke laid on the sofa with his arm over his eyes.

“Luke,” you squeaked out, making him groan and stir, before moving his arm just enough to look at you.

He stared at you. You stared at him back.

Then, he jumped up, gasping your name, which prompted Reggie and Alex to look up as well.

“Yeah,” you said with a nervous laugh. “I saw a video of you in Good Morning America, and—”

But you were cut off when Luke basically ran to you, wrapping his arms around you. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered against your shoulder. “For everything. For not being there. For leaving you like that.”

You shook your head, pulling away from him. “No, I’m sorry. I was an ass that day, I was jealous of your fans, because you had a practice booked for the Orpheum gig, and—”

He cut you off again, “No, stop. I understand.”

You swallowed, feeling Reggie and Alex stare at you, before Reggie spoke up. “You look… different.”

You couldn’t help but laugh again. “Well, 25 years can do that to a person.”

Reggie blinked, then slapped his forehead. “Oh. Right.”

Alex suddenly jumped up. “Oh! Oh my gosh, wait a second. Now I see it. Holy crap. It’s you, isn’t it?”

Luke laid a glare on his friend. “Of course it’s them, they haven’t changed that much.”

“Haven’t changed that much?” Reggie echoed. “Luke, they’ve aged, like… beautifully, don’t get me wrong, but still 25 years! It’s not like time froze for them, like it did for us.”

You kept grinning, you had missed the boys and their silliness. “Thanks? I guess.”

You were quiet for a moment, before Luke cupped your cheek. “Don’t care about them, I’d recognise you everywhere.”

You averted your eyes from his and sighed. “You guys look just like you did back when… that happened.”

Luke laughed this time, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, the perks of being a ghost. Or, well, whatever we are now.”

Ghosts?

“So, you came to my home and haunted me?” you asked, frowning.

He hesitated, but then shrugged. “I wouldn’t say I haunted you, I tried to leave little signs. But I needed to see you.”

“But… why did you wait for 25 years for that?”

Luke sighed, gesturing towards the door at the back. “Uh, our singer, Julie, found our old demo disc from her attic a few months ago and it just… somehow brought us back? We weren’t here as ghosts or anything else before now, we weren’t able to see the world change after… us. We thought that it had only been an hour when we came back.”

Reggie smirked, pointing at Alex. “So basically Alex here cried for 25 years straight.”

Alex scoffed. “It was still only an hour for us!”

You were quiet again. “So… what does this mean for us?”

Luke closed his eyes for a moment. “I… don’t know. When we realised how much time had passed, I thought… I thought maybe it’d be better to stop coming by your house. But I still love you, and want to be with you.”

Alex cleared his throat, making you look up at him. “Uh, hate to interrupt, but maybe we should give you two a moment?” He grabbed Reggie by the arm before the other boy could protest, and they both slipped out of the room.

The words started spilling out the moment the door clicked shut. “Luke, I’ve carried you with me all this time. You were my first love, and no one else ever came close. But this… this isn’t something we can just pick up again.”

Luke was quiet for a moment, and then nodded slowly, his hands falling down from your cheeks. “You’re right. We can’t.”

You felt a tear slipping down from your eye and wiped it off. “So… friends?”

He smiled a little, though it was awkward, disappointed, rigid. “Yeah. Friends.”

You knew it was a bittersweet ending for your love story that had been so dreamy and storybook-like all those years ago, but it was better this way.

Requests are open! FANDOM LIST | PROMPT LIST(S) | RULES (READ!!!)

[tacharie]

Thoughts for The Montkraken Episode

so, I just finished the chapter and… wow I have a lot to say. I took screen shots for every part I wanted to talk about and I think this rant will be SUPERRRR long so bear with me. Tumblr won’t let me add screenshots so when I have better service I’ll edit the post to add them. These paragraphs are theories and side notes that I wrote after reading a certain section so you’re gonna see my thought process throughout the story. As always, spoilers ahead so I recommend skipping this if you haven’t read it already.

Alright so I was once a hater of this ship BUT… the Shobaru shippers may have a point in this guys 😭. LIKE.. I HAVE THE SCREENSHOT OF SUBARU BLUSHING UHHH. That is not a heterosexual stare feller 🤨…

AHHHHHHH THE FROSTHEIM DUO ARE BACKKKKK!!! I missed them so so much they’re so silly and deserve the best. Honestly the only two I trust in this school cause I CANT. I literally suspect anyone but them, but Imma be so disappointed if either of them are hiding something. I’ll be sad, but like I’ll help 🙄. I was actually so sad when the MC mentioned being the reason they could be in danger like GIRLLLLL DONT SAY THAT PLEASEEEEE. ITS LIKE THE ANGST WITH ADEUCE AND YUU LIKE STAWPOPP. Also when the Vagastorm kids were like “aw yeah Mido wouldn’t lie like that” it makes me happy that people can at least trust him enough to be honest and idk I found that kinda sweet :3. We’re also getting a bit of a timeline, like the One-Eyed Sleeping Beauty Murder being BEFORE the clash (sorry if this was already mentioned I don’t really remember stuff from the past chapters) which could’ve been a trigger.

Also, I feel like they’re trying to tell us that Jiro is Zenji’s brother because when he had that little laugh about the MC being scared of bodies, he said too. When you click the “too?” option, he just says that he isn’t the one afraid. It’s not Yuri as well cause he’s literally a doctor that is in the same room when autopsies are in session. Whatever the case, I assume he was referencing to Zenji, though it being a blurry memory. Little theory tho.

OK SO THIS IS JUST SO FUNNY TO ME. In Chapter 9’s title it says, “Girl Learns Shocking Truth About Monster”. I like to think the shocking truth was the fact he didn’t shower for 3 days 😭. CAUSE THATS THE PART SHE SOUNDS MOST SHOCKED. Idk that part was silly to me. THEY’RE OUTFITS FOR THEIR DORM IS SOOOOOO PRETTY. They ate I fear, a bit more than the other dorms. Also side note, they dropped A LOT of info with just how they word things. For example, Yuri saying “Jiro, you are well aware that I will not be associated with those germs AGAIN.” Soooo Yuri was in Frostheim? I don’t doubt it bc there’s another line that says “I’d rather not recall how bitterly cold that place is” which can MEAN TWO THINGS. I’m super sure that they’re implying that yeah, he was, but then something happened blah blah blah.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH HYDE AND DANTE??? Like ok bitches, spill your shot to us too don’t be shy. So, confirmed by them, Dante and Hyde used to go to school in Darkwick (which I assume the rest of the teachers are too). That explains their back and forth. WHAT REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE WERE THESE LINES.

Hyde: “…You really are a softie, Dan-Dan.” (Haha Dan- Dan)

Dante: “It would seem that way to someone as cold as you.” (???) “…There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed, Hyde.”

Hyde: “…I’ll keep that in mind.”

WHATTTTT. WHAT ARE THE LINES. GO IN DETAIL ARGHHHHH. This gives us more info on the character individually too. Dante describes Hyde as cold… DANTE. So, it was obvious that this whole happy go lucky attitude was fake, but I expected to be more like Haru’s kind of attitude not like that yk?? now I know how much of a cash grab this game is, but I really hope they aren’t going to stretch the story out too long to the point where you have to P2W cause I haven’t paid a cent and I don’t plan to. I still want to learn more about them and stuff so :(. On the topic of Dante, there was a small flashback where I missed a word in the sentence that Dante said while talking with Alan. “I’m the man you supposedly killed.” Supposedly?? Now, I didn’t my catch this in my first run, but now it’s like wdym supposedly?? Shouldn’t you know? This is giving hella Jiro vibes and honestly, I’m getting sick and tired of these characters having a bad memory.

SPEAKING OF JIRO- he seems to have problems remembering things and they come back to him in the very weird moments (honestly a kin moment). I would like the think that he’s just suffering from the damages he had to go through from the clash. His relationship with Yuri is so… sad to me. Yuri seems to doubt him a little bit and I feel like he sees him as just a specimen, not much of a friend. Meanwhile, Jiro smiles a lot to Yuri and listens to him like a master, like that’s what he’s supposed to do. NOT AGAINST HIS OWN WILL DONT GET ME WRONG. He’s just so neutral about it it makes me a bit like awwww :(. They’re cute tho idrc.

Ok moving on to Haku and Tohma. (Ok at this point I’m getting nervous cause why are we seeing so many characters now. That’s probably just a coincidence). OK THESE TWO HAVE GOT IT GOING. Like there’s tension when you get their chat in the campus but this is like woahhhh… Also I don’t like how Tohma says “our wheelhouse? I see..” it makes me think he’s like implying “so you think you’re a part of them now?” IDK THATS JUST MY LITTLE STRETCH. Also poor Zenji, he’s like “aw yeah I died in vain lol” LIKE OUCH.

Nicholas. I DO NOT LIKE HIM. I REPEAT. I DO NOT LIKE HIM FOR A MINUTE OF A SECOND. The only staff I like are the cats, the grocer guy, and MAYBE Dante. LIKE HES SO… NORMAL?? LIKE THERE’S SOMETHING WEIRD GOING ON IK THERE IS. When MC says “I can’t believe Professor Nicolas would do something like that” I DO 😡🙋‍♀️. I am in full support of Yuri finding crimes against this guy.

Also, little other side note, I just realized that Yuri and Jiro have matching earring in opposite ears. It’s so cute.

Ok I might have to go back to the beginning and see what the “goat like anomaly” Jiro is talking about when he mentions the prophecy, cause I said “… the chancellor is a goat??” BUT ANYWAYS. Speaking of the prophecy, I’ll jot it down.

“The whisper of the new moon shall lead the champion to the academy on the solitary island. So long as the champion resides there, the world shall be sheltered from profound tragedy.”

Stating the obvious here, but this is most likely referencing to the last cutscenes we get when we choose our characters. I’ve checked the cutscenes again and there’s no visible moon, meaning it could correlate to the “new moon” portion. (Search up new moon to see what I mean). Assuming Solitary island means death, that would also help with the theory. So, whoever we chose in the beginning might just be the person who won the Laurel Crown.Honestly, this is just a silly little Drabble for a theory and VERY vague. Maybe the champion resides in the events of the past that we still don’t know about but this kinda helps?? Idk I’m just putting what I think at the moment. I’ll probably reread the game so I can get a better timeline. Also, Yuri’s rant about demon particles… doesn’t exactly sit right with me. Were they chosen to be resilient or was it just a birth thing?? Idk but I feel like a lot is missing from his theory. I mean, we’re using human logic to a supernatural cause so I don’t think pacts acting as allergies would work. If they’re not chosen, could it be that the ghouls can make pacts with more than one demon? I wanna see what happens if that was the case. Please comment if I missed something 😭.

Ok Towa appeared. (Why are we seeing so many characters I don’t like this) and we went back to that tree… WHAT IS THAT TREE?? And what the hell do you mean the fruit grew? What is that fruit supposed to be? An anomaly going to birth?? Is it supposed to represent the houses?? Motivation?? It seems so weird to me cause we just got introduced to that tree last episode. Sighs.

OK REN AND RITSU. WHAT IS GOING ON. I GUESS SINCE THIS IS THE LADT CHAPTER FOR INTRODUCING CHARACTERS BUT LIKE … STOP. I feel like something is going to happen with the MC pls 😭. Anyway, those two talking about ramen is so cute please don’t ever change you virgin and lizard looking freak 🫶( with love of course). GROCER GUYYYYYYY. YIPPEE :3!! I love that the cat is the owner and not the human lmao.

Also I will always be a MC defender cause she is so relatable. “Why are hospitals so creepy at night?” GIRL IKKKKKK. Idc what y’all say, the fact that she’s normal is keeping me sane from these freaky deaky events. ILOVE NORMAL CHARACTERS! LIKE MATSUDA FROM DEATH NOTE OR THAT ONE GUY FROM MASHELE. Anyways, I love her little comments and everything she’s so silly. Idrc if she doesn’t have much of a backbone cause honestly, she’s surrounded by danger so the best she should do is listen to the people that are constantly surrounded by it.

ALSO NEW THING. (Well idk if it’s new but yeah).

mention of a Dionysia Breakout. <—— Idk what that is, but it sounds like a little more. I love little details and slip ups thanks characters <3!!

HA! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! I WIN NICOLAS 😈!!! YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE. AND I WILL FIND IT TRUST YOU WILL BE DELT WITH. I WILL KNOW THE PRIOR PAST >:(!! Also, Moby is being soooo annoying tbh. More character descriptions to add: competitive as a teacher. NO ONE WILL MAKE YOU HATE YOU JIRO ‼️‼️‼️ HES SO SWEET He literally asks if we’re scared and says we can hang back awwww. Though he doesn’t understand much, he can use logic and he can at least understand how we feel. It’s a nice sentiment :)!

I can’t take the transformation seriously I’m sorry. I’m still impressed by Yuri’s deductive skills and the transformation just sounded like he was constipated.

THE WHOLE BATTLE SCENE WAS EPIC!! MC HESITATING BECAUSE OF LEOS WORDS BUT STILL PUSHING FORWARD. YURI GETTING FLUSTERED. JIRO SMILING AND TRUSTING YURI’S ORDERS. THE FUNNY EXCHANGE ABOUT MUSCLE WHEN THEY WERE CARRYING THE POD. Those annoying ass pussy sticks we call Darkwick students 😡. JIRO LOOKING BADASS AFTER THE SHOT. URGHHHH I LOVE THIS CHAPTER.

HARU AND PEEKABOOOOO!! AHHHHH IM SO HAPPY I SEE THEM AGAIN!! I’m so glad he’s going to Hyde too cause I’m not ready. Also… the mermaid thing is so weird. For the Montkraken Mermaid, they seem to refer to it as “it” or “that mermaid”, but when they speak of the second mermaid, they use personal pronouns like “he /him”. Haru’s expression as well when he heard someone was abusing mermaid flesh… it’s a new one with a little crease under his eye. It’s such a sad face like, did he know this mermaid personally or was this fear?? Either way, I wanna meet him cause the other one was so pretty.

…You guys know the “I see who you are… you are my enemy” sound that’s on TikTok or reels or wtv? YEAH THATS SONG WAS PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN HYDE SAID WE HAD TO DO A SPEECH. HYDE IM IN YOUR WALLS. URGHHHH I HATE HIMMMMM. Call to action my ass IK either Taiga or Leo are gonna get their asses out of the door after the speech. OR BOTH. I’m starting to tweak.

NOOOOO THE SPEECH IS THE NEXT CHAPTER?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I feel so bad for Zenji… like I’m so deadass. Dude he sounds so sad about how he’s dead it’s so.. URGHHHH. ALSO I CALLED IT. THEY ARE BROTHERS. AHAHHAHA!! Well it was kinda obvious cause everyone thought it too but WOMP WOMP. Also I love his real name, Taro Kirisaki. It’s pretty :)!! But these lines killed me

“and though I have taken my final blow, my brotherly heart can’t help but worry for my kin. … Not that he has any idea I’m still around.” YEOUCH?? I DIDNT COME TO CRY BRO…

I’m tweaking out because of this speech bro. I’m gonna choose the corniest stuff and hope for the best. “I feel bad please stop for me 🥺” headass.

Taiga is officially my enemy as well. I called that shit about him leaving URGH. WHAT A FLIBBERTYJIBBET!! His outfit eats tho so it balances out. LIKE DAMNNNN. HE LOOKS SO GOOD.

DOUBLE?? TRIPLE??? QUINTUPLE???? HELL I MIGHT BECOME A GHOUL TO GET THAT MONEY GOLLY 😍😍😍!! CAUSE IN THIS ECONOMY??Also thanks Jin you a real one twin. Bouta split this cash with my wife and I’ll send you a wedding invite.

EDWARD. ED PLEASE. STOP PUTTING ME IN THE SPOTLIGHT… well it’s out now so woopy!! I really wonder what the others have to say about that cause they just gave really vague surprised reactions. Well, Ritsu documented it. I love that little guy please don’t ever change you silly.

NUMBER ONE CORNELIUS HATER IDC. Unless I know your intentions I DONT CAREEEEE. YOU ARE AN OPP IT IS ON SIGHT WITH YOU. SAME WITH YOU NICOLAS!! “I didn’t know whether to tell you or not I’m sowwy 🥺” CHUPA MI PITO HOE 😡.

… you’re telling me I didn’t have to do that awful speech because DANTE AGREED?? IM DONE. IM WHOOPING EVERYONE IN THE ROOM AND AURING THE PLACE OUT. FIRST ONES OUT ARE HYDE FOR NOT TELLING ME, NICOLAS, AND CORNELIUS. ARGHHHHHHH. Also, dude, who is that Janitor guy like seriously.

ROMEO??? AND HYDE???? WHAT IS THIS ABOUT BUTTERCUP?? Wdym worked for him?? What is going on… SPECIAL MISSION??? SHO??? OH NAW. I CANT TRUST NOBODY ANYMORE 😭

Towa crying :(. What does the fruit shrinking have to do with it now?? I’m so confused.

ALRIGHT IF YOU MADE IT TO THE END WOW YOU HAVE DEDICATION. Yeah this is my personal yap session to this chapter and it’s so URGH. I’m so excited to see the next chapter and I hope we get to see more and more. Now with the Gala in place, we can finally start WORKING. Based on the timeline, we have about … 8 months left?? So hopefully, for MC’s sake, she gets cured. BYE BYE UNTIL NEXT EPISODE!!

[kaiserposting]

Michael Kaiser, Alexis Ness — Fanned Out

PAIRING: Michael Kaiser/Reader/Alexis Ness WORD COUNT: 2.1k TYPE: Humor, Bad flirting (it's getting worse somehow) NOTE(S): This happens directly after Dog Walking. Another one shot with this reader character is Wardrobe Malfunction (U don't need to read either to know what's going on)

You thought after Ness gave you that sermon earlier, trying to indoctrinate you into the Kaiser cult or whatever, the topic would be over and done with. But no, he’s still going. You wonder how he can go on and on, and on, and on, and on about something so worthless.

Maybe you’re becoming a part of the problem, though, and this isn’t a notion that occurs to you often. You’re sitting next to Kaiser of your own volition, after all, leaving you between them while Ness lectures you from the other side.

In your defense, your plan seemed like it would have a high chance of success. You assumed for sure Ness would be too embarrassed to keep talking about that stuff right in front of Kaiser, and here you are, wrong.

Kaiser also appears to still be half-asleep or something because he’s just picking at his breakfast without paying any heed to either of you. His movements are sluggish and he’s unresponsive, which makes his company about fifteen times more pleasant than it usually is.

“I mean, it’s just- How dare you take Kaiser’s first kiss so carelessly?! If you’re going to do that, it’s at least worth a confession.”

Your abrupt laughter results in you choking on your food and sends you into a severe coughing fit, to the point you’re slapping the table with too much force and gasping for breath. You knew it. This man is going to put you in the dirt.

It takes Kaiser precisely two blinks to register what Ness just blurted out, and it does a great job of shaking the drowsiness out of his system. The two of them are ignoring you as if you’re not on the brink of asphyxiating, and Kaiser seethes, “Ness, you shithead! Just because I fucking tell you something doesn’t mean you need to announce it to the world. What the hell?”

“Sorry, Kaiser,” Ness says, flinching. Apparently he has ordained that your offenses haven’t yet stacked up to deserving the death penalty, though, because he takes mercy on you and smacks you on the back until you spit out whatever got stuck in your throat.

Kaiser stares at you as if your hacking was in some way inconvenient to him. Ness is still babbling, muttering apologies both of your ways (though the ones directed at Kaiser are, of course, more fussy).

Despite the post-almost dying haze, you speak in your typical derisive fashion, “You can’t be serious? That was your first kiss? That’s just pathetic.” For good measure, you add in another cackle at the end.

“It’s not like I’ve never had the opportunity to kiss anyone,” justifies Kaiser. What to make this sentence any sadder than Ness nodding in agreement in the background, like he feels the need to provide some kind of confirmation? “I don’t care about useless gestures like this. How many people have you kissed before, anyway, huh?”

“A profitable amount.” You shrug.

“What does that even mean,” Ness asks in the most incurious tone possible.

“Honestly a little disappointing you’d waste your time on stupid shit instead of giving football your all. I expected better from you.”

Wow, leave it to Kaiser to try and make you look like a loser for this. You kind of respect the move, but you won’t admit it to his face.

“I guess it’s a little wild I have experiences outside of football. Wanna know what’s wilder, though?”

“No. Talk to the-”

“How quick you folded even though you’ve never done it before. That's crazy.” Kaiser rolls his eyes, but it doesn’t discourage you from continuing, “Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. I tend to have this effect on people.”

“Shut up! Kaiser is not easy.”

“You’re such an embarrassment,” Kaiser says, looking at Ness with a very pronounced lack of amusement.

He is about to apologize again — what is he even sorry for? existing? — but this brings your attention back to him, and you swing an arm around his shoulders with a look of intrigue. “You seem like the kinda guy who's never kissed anyone before either. Want me to remedy that for you, too?”

“N-No! Why would you even want to do that with me? You’re sick.” With these final words, Ness proceeds to… hop out of his seat and run off to a different table. Overkill much? Does he have no self esteem at all?

You stare incredulously at the spot he was previously sitting in along with Kaiser, and then you turn to look at each other with a vague sense of confusion as if you’re both unsure you actually witnessed this happen.

“So,” Kaiser begins, fumbling around his food with his fork in a manner he probably considers nonchalant, “if you didn’t notice it was my first time kissing someone, that means it was good and you liked it.”

You smile at him. “With how skilled you are at jumping to conclusions, you should consider a career change to obstacle course racing. Would you like a performance review? Constructive criticism? A rating from one to ten?”

In an impressive show of restraint, Kaiser doesn’t throw any of the bowls in your face.

___

Kaiser has been staring at himself in the mirror for more than thirty minutes with a thoughtless smile on his face.

You’re getting this estimate from the fact he was doing this when you first walked in, and the shit you were taking was on the tougher side, and now you’re done and he’s still at it. He does this nonsense every morning, though, so you’re about to leave him alone… until an idea crosses your mind.

You approach, your reflection coming closer and closer ominously. “Kaiser.”

“Go away. You’re interrupting me,” he says, despite not doing anything you can see at all.

“Hear me out for a second. You can go back to psychotically talking to yourself after.”

“I wasn’t ‘psychotically talking to myself.’”

“Really? Because it looked to me like you were giving yourself a motivational speech in your head.”

“What the fuck do you want? Just get on with it. I don’t have time for this.”

“Clumsy topic segue. But anyway, I’ve been feeling kind of bad about the stuff with the kiss.” Just the mention of it is enough to make him pull an annoyed expression, but you disregard it. “I wanna do something nice for you.”

He looks at you in a way someone who just swallowed an entire lemon, with the exocarp and all, might — weird, but unmistakably thrown off and irked. In a sarcastic tone, he asks, “Why would you want to do something nice for me? Since when are you such a good samaritan?”

You turn around and pull yourself up over the vanity, unfazed by his attitude. “Let me do your eyeliner thing for you.”

…?

It is obvious you have an ulterior motive here. Kaiser’s eyes dart between you and the make-up appliance. He only has his curiosity to blame when he hands it over to you after a while of paranoid scrutiny.

You lean in and push his hair aside with your fingers, using your other hand to draw the usual wing under his waterline. Despite the lack of suspicious or otherwise unusual movements on your end, Kaiser is tense. Nothing sinister is happening and it’s weirding him out.

You finish and switch to the other one. This is unsettling. A sense of foreboding looms over him, and though you’re being prompt about it, the process seems long and arduous in his mind.

Once you’re done, in one swift motion — as if you’ve practiced before — you press the tip of the pen against his forehead and scrawl something, before backing off and beaming at him with smug satisfaction. It all happens so quickly, he doesn’t react with more than a blink at first.

Kaiser’s brows furrow and he glances at himself in the mirror, confirming the unthinkable. “Did you just sign my fucking forehead?”

“For my biggest fan.”

“I’m not your fan. Get over yourself. You’re not Drake.”

“I figured it was fair you’d get my first ever autograph, since I got your first kiss.”

“Go to hell and burn while you’re at it! I have to clean this now.”

“Why would you clean it?” you ask. What kind of moron are you, Kaiser wonders. “I think you should get it tattooed. It costs millions, you know? In fact, you should show it off in front of the others.”

“Please. Whatever I wipe myself with would cost ten times more than your signature ever will.”

“If it helps you sleep at night, Kaiser,” you relent, still coming off as very pleased with yourself, which makes this whole thing more annoying than it needs to be. Though he looks like he’s about to bite your face off, you invade his personal space even further and inch closer, your nose almost brushing against his. “You can say anything you want. Doesn’t change the fact that you’re my little bitch.”

“Stop calling me that! What’s wrong with you?!” he fumes, reaching to grip your waist and attempting to push you off the countertop.

You almost fall despite resisting, too, but you throw the eyeliner at his face, and it creates enough of a diversion for you to slide down without accident. You’re at the door by the time you turn around to address him again. “I have to admit, the elephantine size of your forehead is what really made this possible for me. Thank you for this opportunity.”

Ele- ele-what?

He clenches his fists, grits his teeth, on the cusp of a hypertension headache. You’re so going to get it! Kaiser doesn’t know yet how he will go about hiring a hitman to kill you while you’re both still stuck in Blue Lock, but Ness is here, which means murder isn’t entirely off the table.

___

Kaiser relays the story of your little bathroom encounter to Ness with the seriousness and urgency of a kidnapper laying down ransom demands. Another person’s name on his- his- his… royal but not at all big forehead, it’s sacrilegious. He’s getting pissed off all over again thinking about it.

Of course, Ness, too, treats the matter as deserving of the gravity Kaiser is giving it. “Don’t worry,” he says. But Kaiser isn’t worried. He is bloodthirsty. “There’s only one way to deal with inflated balloon heads like that. I’ll take care of it.”

“How? You know something I don’t?”

With his usual guileless smile on his face — reminiscent of a frog — Ness leads the way and, in an uncharacteristically confident manner, promises you ‘will be very embarrassed.’

By now Kaiser is following him just because he wants to see whatever is about to go down. It doesn’t take them long to cross the field and reach you.

You’re bouncing a ball on your foot, and once you notice them, you wave with grandiosity. “Hello, numbskulls. Did you come closer so you can admire me better?”

Kaiser doesn’t even know where to begin with this statement, but Ness spares him the effort because without any hesitation, he says, “Yes.”

Snapping his head to stare at him with offense, Kaiser now has to wonder if Ness was the real maniac all along.

You seem to share similar sentiments because your eye twitches and remains stuck half open after. The ball rolls away when you fail to catch it. “What- huh? Huuuuh? You’re just gonna agree with me?”

“Yes. You’re an amazing player with exceptional abilities,” Ness says pleasantly. Candidly. “Not to mention how clever you are. You’re also really good at thinking on the spot. I don’t just mean on the field, but in general, too. Your wit is impressive.”

These compliments are way too upfront and honest. A chill goes down your spine and you gape at him, disturbed. Then your expression morphs into something more awkward — nonplussed, maybe, nervous in some manner — and you say, “I-I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I don’t like it.”

Probably realizing your usual poise is ebbing away, you grimace, cover your face with your forearm as if you are doing a bad job of shielding yourself from imaginary sunlight and pivot around before sprinting away from them at max speed while screaming something incoherent in terror.

“What?” Kaiser yells, gesturing at your fleeing figure. “What’s with that reaction?! No way? What? Over a few nice words? What the hell? What!”

As usual, Ness’s appearance is innocent enough, but there’s a certain glint in his eyes now, like he’s hungry for more power. “Kaiser… Kaiser, I… I did it!”

Kaiser considers making a getaway, but he already saw how unbecoming it is.

___

Oh I know you guysare sick of me...

My sheltered no life experiences outside of kicking a ball Kaiser agenda. With the way he acts I wouldnt be surprised if his mother didnt hold him after giving birth to him

[inkabelledesigns]

It's incredibly frustrating and exhausting to have to question every piece of media that passes your screen as to whether or not it was made with generative ai. I don't like that I can't trust people not to use the literal theft machine for their projects. Especially when it comes to indies.

Like, so there's a new indie horror game called Zoochosis, right? I have no stakes in Zoochosis, a game about a zookeeper that's trying to stop the spread of a mutation with the animals isn't really my speed. But I'd heard of the people who made it before, and I wanted to see if they'd grown. The devs behind it are also responsible for another game, Sparky Marky, which used ai voices, much to my frustration. I tuned into a stream today where someone was playing it, and after hearing a little bit of the dialogue from Doc, I asked if they'd hired actual voice actors. The streamer seemed unconvinced that they had. So I immediately turned it off and decided to go hunting instead, because I needed to know if real people voiced in Zoochosis. I needed to know if this dev team learned anything from their last experience.

Thankfully, there are credits for the voice actors of this game, but they're very far down, which is a little disappointing. The common threads between them is that most of them have a Fiverr page, so I imagine they were hired through there, but I can't confirm that. Frankly I don't love Fiverr given they are also run rampant with generative ai right now, it's not inspiring confidence. But a number of these voice actors have full on websites for their voice work that seem pretty legit to me. In the case of Doc's voice, Tim Stephenson, most of his work is in commercial voice over, not character voice acting, so that explains some of what I was hearing. Commercial VO and character acting for games, shows, etc. are different skills with different needs. Just because someone can do one very well doesn't necessarily mean they're perfectly equipped to do both, especially when I didn't see credits for a voice director here. Without a director, you're recording remotely and going off of your instincts, and while many actors can have great instinct for performing, getting a performance that fits the vision of the project still requires some communication.

I think it's too soon to tell if these actors were actually paid for voice acting, of if these are ai voices synthesized from their likeness. The game is so new that it hasn't shown up on their imdb credits or personal website credits yet, and until it does, I'm gonna be a little skeptical. At the same time, there are many explanations for why the voice acting sounded off. The dev team behind Zoochosis has a lot of names that lead me to believe they may not be native English speakers (and I'm fairly certain I've heard that from others too). Writing and editing dialogue for a game in a language you don't speak is NOT EASY! That's a big ask, and if that's what's happening here, then I'd actually be very impressed by the quality of what I'd heard. It's just...frustrating. I expect this from big corporations and companies, but Zoochosis is an indie game. The folks over at Clapperheads are a small team making this thing real. And I'm troubled by the idea of an indie team, something built on passion and a desire for creative freedom, using generative ai. They're not the only ones to do so. Pastra, a YouTuber who loves indie horror, has started a series of videos that play into this found footage/news broadcast horror story, and for part of it, they used ai generated images of photographs of children to represent the victims of the monster. And they defended this by saying that it was better to use these generated images of children than actual real children. And I'm just sitting here confused by that. Because like, the model that that generative ai is trained on is using stolen images of real children to make those fake photos. So not only does it fall under using a child's image without consent, but you don't even know what children you've stolen the visage from. That is not a good look. The same goes for Indigo Park. AI was used for the opening footage of Issac Indigo introducing the park, and that's part of why his facial movements are so janky. Mason from UniqueGeese at least apologized and said he'd do better next time, but like...the chapter 1 revamp came out and that wasn't changed.

It's small stuff and big stuff, but either way, it's not okay. Until generative ai is trained only on data that is given to its developers consensually, it is not a viable tool for creation. It's not ready to be tested until the ethics part is worked out, and even then, I don't think I'd ever want to touch it. Like I get it, game development is hard, and in the indie scene, it's hard to make it all come together. But also, I expect a project built on passion to at least TRY to be creative in its solutions, and for the people making it to know better than to use stolen content. I expect better. Maybe I'm wrong for expecting better. But I expect better.

I'm just...disappointed. It makes me feel like I can't touch anything in modern media. Like I may as well go back and only play games, watch shows/movies, and explore stories made before 2023. At least then I can trust that it was probably done without the use of the theft machine. That's such a hopeless thing, giving up on modern art and all the potential it comes with. I don't want to give up on art. I don't want to give up on people telling meaningful stories in modern times. Please, humans, keep making art with your own two hands. Please give me something to be hopeful for.

[kuschelkissen]

So uh. Episode 6, huh? I mean, I knew I'd be disappointed when I saw that it was only 26 minutes long, and that fear became true. I absolutely think this ep would've been A LOT better if it had had time to BREATHE.

Like. No scene was really long enough to have actual impact? Even those that I liked were just at least 1-2 minutes too short.

The photo shooting? Cute! Love that Lu Guang could just lift Cheng Xiaoshi like that but didn't account for the change in center of gravity. Would've loved it a lot more if it had been longer, though?? Give me more of that wholesomeness, give me some more of the bonding with Xia Fei! (Cxs has a picture of both of them as his chat background??)

The scene with Wang Qing? The beginning was OK, I guess (wtf was that story Vein told her?? It would be funny if it was his own lol), but as soon as the mum took over, I felt like the rug was pulled under me?? It was NOT serious at all, and while it's kinda 'nice' to see that he apparently has his silly side from her, there was NO emotional impact, at least not for me. And again, it could've worked, if the scene had just. Been. Longer!! Give him time to process that this is his mum!? Give him time to be angry at her! Like he gave a whole speech to his dad, and he didn't even know it was him, so his mum should've gotten it worse??

I also high key hate her more than the dad?? Like?? Idk where she is in this moment, but she has to be at some place in the future to be able to dive back, but even if she were just 10 min into the future from here, at this point she was gone from her son's life for a decade and she's behaving like she just left for a week of vacation or so???

I feel so sorry for Cheng Xiaoshi... and the poor loyal soul is STILL waiting!!

The talk of Lu Guang and Vein also was... a bit underwhelming tbh? So you're telling me Vein asks him "Why do you look at me with murderous intent lol", Lu Guang answers "I have my reasons", and Vein then just leaves it at that? 💀

(Do you think Lu Guang said the Detective set the forest on fire? Since it was the same that Vein said and somehow that answer fits him)

The fight with Wang Qing was also... well. The fight was OK, BUT WHY DID SHE GO AND GET THE DAMN BOOK?! wtf?

And of course, the sweetie line was said to her 🙄 biggest letdown, but I expected it.

And then. Uh. What happened?

Does Lu Guang have another power? Is he able to remote-kill people? 😅 why did Wang Qing's eyes glow blue?? Does Vein's real name have anything to do with this??? And why does he (seem to) know that this is Lu Guang's doing????

ACK so many questions. Kinda wondering what that means for Lu Guang and how he will end up...? Like. Killing someone in cold blood isn't really a hero kind of thing, so I wonder if he will get punished for that 🥲

Either way, the whole death scene, or rather the aftermath of it, felt short again. Not even a real grieving moment for poor Xia Fei 😭

The kitty hat is back?? How??

Xia Fei telling them that he'll get the one who killed his boss, oh well, I guess we will see him again, but not as a friend anymore 🥲 i mean, that was to be expected, but... still 😭

I guess my biggest disappointment was finding out that this is the current timeline because wtf. So we just ignore that Cheng Xiaoshi didn't know that he could dive by himself in s1. Okay, cool cool.

Xia Fei disappearing in the end, uh, I guess I'll interpret that as him going underground on his hunt for the killer of his beloved boss. (Why did the other guy disappear? Who knows. Maybe Xia Fei finally snapped... (was that one of the guys that tried to drown him? Didn't have time to check, but he looked similar? Need to check the credits for names maybe))

And then Vein did a Bella Swan impression, I guess.

So who's the one with the fake death ability, since director Li apparently confirmed that Vein didn't have powers in the Yingdu arc? Is it Wang Qing, since the code was on her id? But how is Lu Guang involved then? ARGH.

Tldr:

Too much stuff happened in not enough time. The episode would've profited IMMENSELY from just 10 more minutes, though more would've been better imo.

Cheng Xiaoshi's parents are awful. Even if in the future we will learn that they had a good reason to leave him alone without a word, the way they were portrayed is not on their favour 💀

Looking forward to seeing the hot headed trio again in s3, but I'm also scared of it. (Did Vein have any agency in his fake death? Because I don't think so. And if that's the case, how did he come back? We all know the "came back wrong" trope etc, so what if he came back as Liu Xiao's puppet? Hah. There's potential for drama here, but at this point I'll just not get my hopes up lol)

So. I guess now the waiting begins 💀

[starseneyes]

Part II - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

You came back!? I am so glad I didn’t scare you off, because Part I was long.

I mean, not as long as the Garashir Meta, but still hella long.

If you’re ready for Part II, I’m so excited to share it with ya!!

WARNING: I’m one fan and these are just my thoughts and opinions. We all have our own! I don’t think mine are any more valid than anyone else’s. They’re just mine.

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. You are forewarned!

Are we ready? Yeah, I think we’re ready. Let’s dive in to Seasons 6-8!

S6E03 -

“Come on, Cas. Don’t be a dick. Got ourselves a plague-like situation down here. Do you copy?” “Like I said, son of a bitch doesn’t answer… he’s right behind me, isn’t he?” “Hello.” “Hello?” “Yes.” “I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and it’s ’hello’.” “Yes., So, what, you like him better or something?” “Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn’t going to mention it.”

This whole thing is insane. Now, Cas will shortly correct them that he didn’t come down just because Dean asked—the timing had to do with the Staff of Moses.

But, the rest is true. Yes, Dean has a bond with Cas. And it goes both ways.

Kinda like Dean, am I right?

Okay, sorry. That one was just begging to be written. I’ll get back to the Meta.

“Just because we have some sort of a bond or whatever.”

One thing about Dean is no matter what people say about him and Cas, he never denies it. Have you noticed that? Whether one or the other is a “pet” or someone says Cas is in love with him, or they acknowledge Cas likes him… he never corrects them.

And here he goes so far as to confirm it. He literally says “just because we have some sort of bond”, here. He acknowledges that they do have a bond—something that is just between Cas and Dean.

And people had the nerve to tell y’all you were crazy. I am so sorry.

“You think I came because you called? I came because of this.” “Well, it’s nice to know what matters.”

I’m sorry, Dean, are you insulted your bond isn’t enough to drag Cas down from Heaven?! Like, there’s a note of disappointment in that tone. Wow!

“Sam, Dean. My people skills are rusty. Pardon me, but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wave of celestial intent. But, believe me, you do not want that weapon down here. Help me find it. Or more people will die.” “Alright. Okay.”

I like Cas’ little nod after Dean gets moving. He’s pleased. He’s thankful. He’s relieved. He got through to his human situationship. Win for the bond!

“There’s gotta be another way.” “There is no other way.” “You’re gonna torture a kid.” “I can’t care about that, Dean. I don’t have the luxury.”

And everything in my head is screaming “I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you”.

We aren’t there, yet, obviously. But the groundwork is laid for just how far Castiel will grow because of Dean.

I don’t know who’s on first, what’s on second.” “What is second?” “Don’t start that.”

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, right? These two don’t even speak the same language, yet, and somehow they’re already arguing like a married couple with poor Sammy in the middle.

“Why didn’t you tell us this? “I was ashamed. I expected more from my brothers. I’m sorry. Now, I need your blood.” “Woah, hey!”

I love how Dean protests, but still lets Cas have his blood. He still trusts Cas, even if he would have appreciated a heads-up first.

“I know. I’ve been hearing all about you, and as far as I’m concerned, you and me, Cas, nothing’s changed. We’re brothers. … You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us.”

Brothers are complicated. I have two. They sometimes fought and sometimes conspired to hide rear end collisions from our parents (one hit the other from behind at a stop light… it was fine).

I’m the eldest in my family, with a half brother I was raised with, and a step-brother and step-sister who joined our family when I was 16. But my brothers are both my brothers.

And there are all sorts of brothers out there. The Winchesters are one kind. The Angels are another. And I’d pick the Winchesters any day if I had to pick the best brothers on this show, complicated and fucked up as they may be.

“Why won’t any of you listen?” “They don’t listen Castiel because their hearts are mine.”

And here we see that concept of Angel loyalty versus romantic love. But, Cas’ “loyalties” and “sympathies” are shifting deeper—and everyone can see it.

"Castiel, I stood for you in heaven. Are you going to let-“ “I believe the hairless ape has the floor.”

Cas looks meaningfully to Dean, to see him looking back. When Dean shifts to Balthazar, the Angel in the fire makes a quick assessment and chuckles to himself. Damnit, he clocked them. He cloked them fast.

And he realizes that it’s not gonna end well for him, because even if he and Castiel are brothers, Cas and Dean are something more. Yeah, he’s fucked. So, he does as the hairless ape says.

S6E06 -

“Did you call Cas?” “Of course I called Cas. He’s not answering. Screw him. I can’t wait anymore.”

We know that Cas is dealing with a literal war up there. He’s a bit pressed for time. And, honestly this is one of those arcs where I get super annoyed with the Winchester boys.

Like, Castiel has an Army to command to keep Armageddon from restarting and y’all have the audacity to criticize his response time!?

Cas is an imperfect character (because perfect characters are boring and don’t make any choices that are interesting to watch), but no wonder he fucking goes to the Dark Side with friends like y’all.

And, yes, Cas screwed the pooch at that Cross Roads. He really really did. But the Winchesters ain’t peaches this year, either, as far as their treatment of their emotional support Angel.

“Castiel. Hello? Possible loose nuke down here, angelic weapon. Kinda your department. You hear that Cas?”

Dean turns around and the camera swoops to show Cas.

“Hello Dean.” “Are you kidding me? I have been on red alert about Sam, and you come for some stupid horn?” “You asked me to be here and I came.” “I’ve been asking you to be here for days, you dick!”

Castiel is surprised by the attitude, but he doesn’t understand just how huge it is for Dean to reach out for help, to pray to Cas, to believe in and trust him.

It’s a big shift in their relationship from Dean’s side because he wants Cas to be on his speed dial.

Yes, we still used Speed Dial back then. We also had a Top 8 on MySpace. It was a simpler time.

“I didn’t come about Sam because I have nothing to offer about Sam.” “Well, that’s great, because for all we know, he’s just gift wrap for Lucifer.” “No he’s… he’s not Lucifer.” “And how do you know that?” “If Lucifer escaped the cage, we’d feel it.”

This whole thing is kinda insane. Cas feels Dean’s anger, he doesn’t just see it.

And since he doesn’t have answers, he picks up the bottle and carries out a bloody act of service to show he cares. He is doing something for Dean because he can’t do what he wishes—give Dean answers about Sam.

My husband will do this, sometimes. If he knows I’m super stressed about work and struggling through the week, he’ll pick me up a latte or offer to drive the kids to an extracurricular. These little acts of service are his ways of helping me when he can’t help with the real issue.

Did I marry Castiel? Maybe… But I am definitely more like Dean, so I guess that makes sense.

“What is wrong with him?” “I don’t know Dean. I’m sorry.” “What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one.” “I’m at War.”

It’s already begun… Cas pulling away because he’s doing what he thinks needs to be done. He should have consulted someone, should have talked to his friends.

But we have to remember that Castiel is still an Angel trying to do this without human help.

Doesn’t make it right, let’s be clear. He’s still making the wrong choice. But we understand why he makes this choice just as much as we understand why Dean is lashing out at Cas. He’s lashing out at anyone who he perceives as not taking this Sammy thing as seriously as he is.

Doesn’t make it right. But at least we understand where the character is coming from.

“Well, nice seeing you anyway.” {Dean turns away}. “Dean.” “What?” “About your brother. I, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I do want to help. I’ll make inquiries.”

Cas wants to help. He wants to do things for Dean, still. But he’s hiding a big fucking secret, and that type of thing inevitably leads to distance. Just as Dean is reaching out, Cas is pulling back. It’s heartbreaking, truth be told.

S6E07 -

Cas works to diagnose Sam, and once the “no sleeping" thing comes up, alarm bells go off in Castiel’s head. Cas looks to Dean and begins removing his belt. Dean notices, but doesn’t seem as concerned as Sam does. I don’t know why, but that detail always makes me smile.

Dean’s like, “Well, okay, Cas, if you need to remove your belt, why not” whereas Sam is wondering what the hell Cas is going to do with the belt.

“Well, recap it for our wingman.” “You’re scrawnier than I imagined.” “This is a vessel. My true form is roughly the size of your Chrysler building..” “All right, alright, quit bragging.”

I’m sorry, is Dean commenting on the size of… ahem Cas? Because, He’s an Angel.

Like, crazy amount of wings and eyes and not a penis to be found. But, it’s another example of Dean’s joking about sex to cut through the tension in a room.

“I’m in the middle of a civil war.” “Well, you better tear the attic up. Find something to help Sam.” “Of course. Your problems always come first. I’ll be in touch.”

Like, seriously, Dean. What the fuck!? He is literally fighting a War and you’re like, “but my baby brother!”

And, yes, Cas is also doing stupid, horrible things in the name of this war, but Dean shows so little concern for it that why the fuck would Cas trust him with his batshit plan now!?

These boys just cannot communicate.

S6E10 -

“I’m mid-battle, Sam.” “I could give a rat’s ass about your little pissing match with Raphael. … If you don’t help us now, I will hunt you down and kill you.” “Will you, boy? How? … You need help, Sam.” “I need your help.”

This is part of my “you boys are treating your friend like shit and it’s no wonder he made the worst possible choice when you’re treating him like your own personal rent-an-Angel that you never intend to full pay off” rage fest.

“You don’t watch porn in a room full of dudes. and you don’t talk about it. Turn it off.” … “This is what you boys do? Sit around and watch pornos with Angels?” “We’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Cas is exploring the idea of sexuality. Yes, one time Dean tried to get him laid. And we know Cas of the Endverse timeline enjoyed his orgies.

But this is the first time our Cas is exploring the idea of sex and sexuality, and he’s absolutely… surprised by it and his own reaction. Now, was he reacting to the scenario of guy on girl action? Or more the idea of sexuality in general? Hard to know.

From what we’ve seen in the show, he’s not against exploring sexuality with women, and I’m writing this whole bloody meta because of course he’d be up for exploring it with Dean.

But sex isn’t what drives Castiel. He feels far more asexually coded to me. But, again, I could be reading too much into it because of my own life experience.

Cas finds love with Dean. And, for him, that doesn’t need sex. But we’re a long way from that point, when he’s still trying to understand humanity and what it is to be human while still being an angel in a human vessel.

Also, Jimmy, I’m so glad you were already in Heaven at this point. If you were fully aware of what the Angel were doing, I can only wonder if you’d think, “I gave up my life for this!? So the angel can get a boner using my dick!?” Jimmy, my man, I am so sorry.

“You know, Cas, you could help:. … “I’m not sure retrieving Sam’s soul is wise.” “Wait, what? Why?” {Dean crosses closer to Cas} “I want him to survive.” “What are you talking about?”

We switch to a wide shot, finally seeing their positioning and… Hold the phone… Cas is sitting on a bed again? Is this just Misha Collins giving the middle finger to whoever didn’t want him sitting on beds!?

I seriously paused and giggled the first time I saw this.

“Sam’s soul has been locked in the cage with Michael and Lucifer for more than a year and they have nothing to do but take their frustrations out on him. Do you understand? If we try to force that mutilated thing down Sam’s gullet, we have no idea what will happen. It could be catastrophic.” “You mean he dies?” “I mean he doesn’t. Paralysis, insanity, psychic pain so profound that he’s locked inside himself for the rest of his life.” “But you’re saying you don’t know anything for sure. I mean, he could be fine.” “He could be, yes.” “Okay then-“

Cas is trying to protect Dean and Dean is trying to believe in the impossible. Because this is Sam, his baby brother. He’d do anything for Sam.

And Cas is trying to protect Dean from the possible heartbreak of destroying his own brother by trying to fix him.

“But I sincerely doubt it., well if he’s not fine, then you fix him., Dean, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” “Then you figure it out, Cas. Come one. {Dean steps closer} I mean, the guy’s a friggin replicant. He needs his soul.”

Something stops Dean… something he sees in Cas’s face. He backs off the intensity, but doesn’t move out of Cas’ personal space. I mean, for a guy who tried to tell Cas off about it, he invades Cas’ space more than the other way around!

“Look, we get it back, and if there are complications, then we will figure out a way to deal with those, too.” “Of course. {Dean walks away} Or we fail, and Sam suffers horrifically.”

Gosh, this is these two in a nutshell at this point. Dean is all “we’ll figure it out” and Cas is so damn afraid.

“What was that?” “I learned that from the pizza man."

Okay, first off, Misha Collins can kiss. This Ace girl is sitting here going, “Wow, not bad!”

Second, Dean’s reactions during this whole thing are amazing. I just kept rewinding (yes, I still use that term… I’m old) and rewatching Dean processing the whole thing.

Dean starts with, “uh, Cas…” as he points between the door with the hellhounds and the kissing couple. Then, he sort of stops to just observe. Like, “Okay, this is a thing that’s happening now”.

When Cas pulls away and Meg speaks, Cas looks to Dean before he looks back to Meg and responds. And it takes a second for Dean to process that.

Like, he knew Cas was a virgin, but to realize this was his first kiss and he was that good!? Wow, Angel’s knocking it out of the park on the first time up to bat!

“I can’t see jack.”

That’s because he’s not here, yet, Dean. Give it time. You’ll see him soon enough.

“Castiel. Haven’t seen you all season. You the cavalry now?”

Rachel, you wrote this down because you thought it was funny and self-referential, but you missed the bigger picture. See, Crowley’s exaggerating to protect his little business deal. And I totally missed it the first time around.

“Well, she’s smart, I’ll give her that. I was gonna kill her, too. Of course, I’d have given you an hour with her first.” “Why would I want that?”

Oh, my sweet summer child.

“Thanks, Cas. If it hadn’t have been for you -“ “Crowley was right. It’s not going well for me upstairs.” “If there’s anything we can do-”

Ugh. Now you offer to help? After berating him for weeks about being too busy for your bullshit while he’s fighting a literal war!? Too little too late, Dean. Too little too late.

“There isn’t. I wish circumstances were different. Much of the time, I’d rather be here.” “Cas, we know you’ve got a steaming pile on your plate. There’s no need for apologies. We’re your friends.”

I think this is the first time Dean has told Cas they’re friends… that he has shown such gratitude for him… that he offered to help Cas however he needed, if he could.

And, oh, how I wish Dean had said something earlier.

No, I’m not pinning Cas’ shitty decisions on Dean. That’s completely unfair. But I wish Castiel realized just how much he means to Dean before he threw everything away on a deal with a demon.

S6E12 -

“His soul is in place.” “Is he ever gonna wake up?” “I’m not a human doctor, Dean.” “Could you take a guess.” “Okay. Probably not.” “Oh well don’t sugarcoat it.” “I’m sorry, Dean, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside him.” “What was I supposed to do? Let T-1000 walk around and hope he doesn’t open fire?”

Cas approaches Dean, invading his personal space. And I’m reminded of another show where one character invaded the other’s space attempting to assert dominance and instead created heat. These two have it, even when at odds.

“Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it. Like it had been skinned alive, Dean. If you wanted to kill your brother, you should have done it outright.”

Ouch.

“I am so sorry.” Did Bobby-“ “Cas., Cas. Friggin child.” “You should have told me, Dean.” “You weren’t supposed to know.” “What I did? To Bobby? To you? Of course I should know.”

Dean is trying to protect Sam, I get it, but he didn’t tell Cas. So, that’s not about Cas being a child. That’s your being a shit communicator, Dean. Own up to your fuckery, man, and stop deflecting to Cas when shit goes sideways.

Trust me, you’ll have a real reason to be pissed at him soon enough and you should save your rage for then.

S6E15 -

“Maybe here there’s no supernatural, no magic.” “No demons, no hell, no heaven. No God?” “Something like. Even better… no angels”

There’s something interesting to Dean’s reaction there. I mean, yeah, most angels are dicks. But he does have an Angel for a friend.

“Cas, what the hell?” “Wait, you were in on this. Using us as a diversion.” “It was Balthazar’s plan. I would have done the same thing.” “That’s not comforting, Cas.” “When will I be able to make you understand, if I lose against Raphael, we all lose everything.” “Yeah, Cas, we know the stakes. That’s about all you’ve told us.” “I’m sorry about all this. I’ll explain when I can.”

Cas says all of that last bit to Dean. And you can hear the mounting desperation in his voice. He isn’t telling them everything because he’s trying to protect them. He’s trying to keep them out of it—but that is only making it worse.

Castiel, this is only going to end badly. So badly the next season you’re gonna lose your contract and get thrown back into Pilot Season. Er… your vessel will be, anyway.

Gosh, that bit is wild. I mean, to go from a Series Regular to Guest starring for two episodes only to kill your character off in the first five minutes of episode 2 and think, “Welp, that was fun!”

Because, let’s be clear, this type of stuff happens in TV land all the time, and it often has nothing to do with who likes who or anything personal. Writers Rooms sometimes make a choice where a character’s got to go, where it no longer fits the vision.

It happened recently on Sweet Magnolias where the Writers Room realized the inciting incident they needed was to kill off a main character in between seasons and off-camera. The guy was beloved by the team, but it was what the story needed.

If you look at the construction of Season 7, I can see how Castiel just didn’t quite fit where it was headed and what they were doing. So, no, there’s nothing Cas (or Misha Collins, for that matter) could have possibly done in reality to change that. It’s just the business.

But I can be catty with Cas for a bit for his utter ridiculousness this season.

S6E17 -

“Sorry, you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who’s in love with you.”

Of course Balthazar’s going to be the first one to use “love” instead of “like”. He has no qualms about decorum and he’s going to call it like he sees it.

And Dean. Doesn’t. Correct. Him. He barely reacts to this news, because somewhere deep down I think he already knows.

I mean, if the smashing him up against the wall last season while shouting about everything he did for Dean wasn’t enough to clue Dean in on something, then he’s denser than I thought.

Dean has more layers than he lets on, maybe more than he realizes.

“You need new friends, Cas.” “I’m trying to save the ones I have, Dean.”

There’s something so soft in Dean’s response to this. Is this the first time Cas referred to them as friends in front of them? I can’t remember another time, but it strikes Dean especially.

“If you don’t go back and sink that boat, I’m gonna kill your two favorite pets.”

In one episode two celestial beings have called out Cas’ attachment to the Winchesters… oops. Word’s spreading!.

“I won’t let you.” “Oh yeah, what are you gonna do?” “Do you really wanna test me?” “Okay, fine. … Kill me, and Sam and Dean are target one. For simple vengeance. You’re not fighting a war or something, right? You can watch them every millisecond of every day. Because maybe you’ve heard, fate strikes when you least expect it. … Set things right before I flick your precious boys off a cliff just on principle.”

The truth is that Cas’ attention has been divided for far too long, and he knows Fate is right. He can’t be in all places at all times.

“Well, I insisted he go back in time and correct what he had done.” “What? Why?” “It was the only way to be sure you were safe.” “So, you killed 50,000 people for us.” “No, they were never born. That’s far different from being killed, wouldn’t you say?”

This sounds a helluva lot like Dean talking to his mom about him and Sam not being born, and how that might fix things.

“You’re the ones who taught me that you can make your own destiny. You don’t have to be ruled by fate. You can choose freedom.”

Oh, honey, it will be so, so long before you are totally free… before you feel ready to uncage yourself… so, this hurts a bit to hear knowing how far you have to go.

Also, he’s trying to talk to them, to reach them, to gain their absolution for what he’s about to do without having the guts to tell them.

He’s so damn afraid this season, and he lets that fear rule him and drive him to his worst self.

“I still believe that that’s something work fighting for. I just wanted you to understand that.”

He wants to tell them the truth so bad. If you go back and watch this after watching through, it’s so clear how much he wants them to know, to understand, to support his unreasonable and irresponsible plan.

“Titanic didn’t suck that bad. Winslet’s rack? {Cas leaves} I’ll tell you one thing about Cas, he does not appreciate the finer things.”

Oh, he does… but he defines it a little differently, love. Don’t worry. You’ll get there.

And I know this isn’t the point, but knowing how awfully Winslet was treated about her beautiful body during this film it made me shudder a little, that line above.

Perhaps it’s being a woman and knowing the impossible beauty standards to which we are held, and the process of reducing us to pieces of ourselves instead of whole humans for the sake of the patriarchy that makes that line hurt.

It’s not the point, I know, but I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t address it. Whoever you are, whatever gender or not, I hope you know you are beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t have to live up to anyone’s beauty standards.

S6E18 -

“Castiel {Dean actually stands and bows his head, this time}, the, uh, fate of the world is in the balance. So, come on down here. {Dean peeks for Cas} Come on, Cas. I dream of Jeanie your ass down here, pronto. Please.”

Castiel sends Rachel. And why the hell does the one person to have my name on this show have to be a total bitch?

Now, she isn’t wrong in what she says to Dean and Sam. Sam says they are Castiel’s friends, and yet their prioritize their shit over his every time without consideration for the utter hell he’s enduring. But, yeah, she’s also kind of a bitch.

“I’m sure your issue is very important, but Castiel is currently commanding an army, so-" … “I don’t know who you think you are. “I’m his friend.” “And you think we aren’t?” I think you call him when you need something. We’re fighting a war.” “We get that.” “Clearly you don’t or you wouldn’t call him every time you stub your toe you petty, entitled, little piece of-“

Cas’ divided loyalties are starting to be an issue. Combine that with him making a deal with a demon, and he’s gone a bit off the rails by Angel standards. He asks the boys what they need, and he’s willing to help, always willing to help.

And while we know part of it is his “profound bond” with Dean and attachment to the Winchesters, I think there’s also a touch of guilt.

We later see that he is so conflicted about this plan of his, so much so that he cries out to God for guidance.

But can he atone enough to balance his guilt? Can he do enough for Dean and Sam to prove to him that he’s still the same Angel? Can he prove he’s still their friend while betraying them? Lying to them? Going behind their back to work with the enemy?

S6E19 -

“Why’s it always gotta be me that makes the call, huh? It’s not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude’s busy. Cas, get out of my ass!” “I was never in your-“

Who do I blame for my therapy bills this time!? Clearly, the scene was written in a suggestive manner, but the way it’s played makes it even more unbelievable.

Somewhere mid-sentence Cas—who is stating plain fact—start to register what he’s saying and wonder exactly what the denotation is, here.

And as he puts those pieces together, Dean wonders where the Angel’s mind is going exactly because he knows Cas is now aware of porn and sex.

And then Dean’s eyes widen just a touch before Cas looks away, drops it entirely, and changes the subject.

Was this on the page!? Was this all the actors? Did the director give them any suggestions?! Because, just reading the words is crazy enough, but the way they played it is everything.

“That’s great, because without your power, you’re basically a baby in a trench coat.”

And we’re back to Dean infantilizing Cas and touching on one of Cas’ deepest insecurities—that if he’s useless to Dean, he’s worthless to Dean.

“We need your help here.” “Hold your water. We’ll be back in a few.” “Dean, Dean.”

There’s something so insistent about how this second “Dean” is delivered… like Cas is appealing to Dean in a way we haven’t heard before. That second Dean is pleading. He can’t believe that Dean is going to walk away from this, that he isn’t listening to Cas.

And neither knows it, but this is just chip, chip, chipping away at Cas’ trust in Dean. It’s chipping away at his belief that Dean might know better than he in some situations cough Godstiel cough because Dean is the one not listening with this one.

These two are so stubborn. So similar! (Yes, it’s a Pride & Prejudice reference. And now I’ve distracted myself trying to determine who is Mr. Darcy and who is Lizzie… think I’m settling on Cas as Darcy and Dean as Elizabeth, but feel freee to argue it out in the comments).

“Millions of lives are at stake here, not just two.”

Dean heads out and the Family Theme plays as Dean and Cas watch each other, both frustrated.

Is this the first time the Family Theme has played between them? I know it’s certainly not the last, but I find the placement here fascinating.

They’re going in opposite directions. They’re seeing different things. And yet they’re still family. What an interesting time to remind us of that… right before it all unravels.

“Work for me. It’s a good deal. Bonus, I won’t kill your friends.”

Friends making an appearance from another being, here. No secrets, Castiel. Your attachment to the Winchesters and theirs to you is well-known by now.

“It’s not like Cas to make mistakes like that. Unless.” “Unless?” “Unless he meant to.” “Bobby, this is Cas we’re talking about. Do you believe this?”

In a few seasons, when Dean wants to stab Cas in the neck, it’ll be Sam saying, “Because it’s Cas”.

But right now, Dean Winchester, who has so very few people to trust, trusts Castiel to an extreme level. Maybe that’s why the Family Theme made an appearance—because Dean’s already there with Cas.

And Cas doesn’t even realize it. He doesn’t even know what he’s squandering. He doesn’t know the full depths of his fuck up until it is way too late.

S6E20 -

“Hello, Dean. Are you alright?” “Yeah, I’m fine. How about you?” … “I just don’t understand how Crowley could’ve tricked me.” “Well, he’s a tricky son of a bitch, that’s how.”

Dean wants to believe in Cas so badly… he wants to have faith in him so badly.

At his core, he knows something is wrong, something is off. But it’s Cas who has literally died twice for him, for Dean. That means something to him.

“I’d come if I could.” “Yeah, no, I get it. No worries. But, Cas, you’ll call, right? If you get into real trouble?”

Dean is hoping… hoping that Cas knows he can count on them. But Rachel wasn’t wrong… they just call him when they need something in Season 6. They have in no way shown him that they are there for him, too… not really.

There will be conversations down the line where Dean just checks in with Cas because he can see the Angel needs to talk. There will be points where they confide in one another, where they trust one another to the point that their honesty burns. But we’re not there, yet.

We’re not even to the middle of this story.

I remember when Christian Kane was working on The Librarians and commented about his character, Jake, not knowing how to fight when Kane was well-practiced in it.

His last long-running character, Eliot on Leverage fought from the beginning. But with Jake, they needed to start him off with no training so his character had somewhere to go, something to learn, a direction to grow.

Cas and Dean can’t get it right every time. They can’t always know what to say. They can’t always know what to do. That’s unrealistic, and while I know that’s a silly thing to say about a show based on monsters, demons, and ghosts—we don’t watch the show for the ghoulies. We watch for the characters.

We care about Dean and Sam and Castiel. We watch because we want to see their journeys and we are invested in their stories.

Static characters are rarely interesting. Rounded characters make mistake, make wrong choices, make messes that are impossible to remedy. And as long as they grow through it, we can stick with them. Because it’s about the relationships we, the audience, forge with these fictional characters.

And, yes, this sounds mental, but fandom is an essential part of the fate of a long-running series like this one. That’s why there are still conventions, why Collins and Ackles and Padalecki are still making appearances all these years later on behalf of the characters they were graced with playing.

We connect with these characters and we care about them. And if they were not relatable, it wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t work. The whole show would fall apart.

So, these characters make bad calls, and wrong choices, and shit decisions. And that’s all part of the ride.

So, yes, while I wanna shake Cas a little to get him out of this ideology to which he’s clinging, I also want to remind Dean that relationships go both way, and he’s not been the greatest friend, either.

But, Cas, seriously, what the fuck!?

“The point is, you’re distracted, and that makes me nervous.” “I am holding up my end.” “Ah, yes. But is that all you’re holding, huh? See? The stench of that Impala’s all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we’d agreed, no more nights out with the boys.”

I’m sorry. Did you just make the allusion to Cas giving Dean a handjob in the car?! Like, Balthazar is talking about Cas being in love with Dean and now Crowley’s insinuating things of a sexual nature. Yeah, Cas, your secret is out honey, even if you aren’t.

“I have it on good authority that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down. Forgive me, but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here.”

Crowley is keeping it broad to both Winchesters. So, he has more of Fate’s view, and not so much Balthazaar, who has seen them all up close and personal, I guess.

“Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian. After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for, and what generally happens to you when you do.”

So he is at least somewhat aware of how he prioritizes the boys.

“You know, he’s our friend. And we are lying to him through our teeth. … You think that Cas is in with Crowley? Crowley?”

Dean is fucked up over this. Rightfully. Because he doesn’t hold onto many people, and while he hasn’t verbalized it, yet, Cas has a special place in his life.

“Look, Dean, he’s our friend, too, okay. And I’d die for him, I would, but, look, I’m praying we’re wrong here.”

Oooh, this says so much that Sam has to clarify that. Like, he realizes how highly Dean regards Cas, how much he trusts him, how much this is crushing him.

“And the worst part was Dean trying so hard to be loyal with every instinct telling him otherwise.”

Cas can literally see inside Dean. He can see the conflict, and as Dean walks by, Cas moves with him, as if tied to him by an invisible string.

“This is Cas, guys. I mean, when there was no one, and we were stuck, and I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many friggin times. This is Cas. Don’t we owe him the benefit of the doubt, at least?”

This one aches. This one hurts. Because 9 years later, Cas will say this to Dean in a moment of heartache that somehow feels a thousand times worse than this despite the stakes here being so much higher. “You used to give me the benefit of the doubt,” Cas will say.

But look what happened when Dean did it, Cas. Look what pain you wrought. Can you blame him for struggling to find his faith in you, again?

“You thought what?, I know. It’s crazy, right … We never should have doubted you. We just hope you can forgive us.”

Dean feels… relieved. He feels like he put his faith in the right place.

And look at how soft Dean’s eyes are as he asks his friend for forgiveness. It will be a long time before he’s this soft with Cas, again. Especially since a breath later the idiot fucks up with the Superman reference.

“You gotta look at me, man. You gotta level with me and tell me what’s going on. Loo me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley. {Cas looks away} Son of a bitch.”

This takes me back to the holding room with the burgers and beers. Dean caught on that Cas couldn’t look at him when he knew something was off, so he tells him here that he needs to look at him.

And when he can’t, Dean knows all he needs to know.

“Let me explain.” “You’re in it with him? You and crowley have been going after purgatory together? “You have, huh? This whole time.” “I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you.”

Cas is pleading with them as much as they are pleading with him. He directs most of it to Dean, but Dean is hurting too damn bad. His friend fucking betrayed them. His friend is working with the bad guy. His friend didn’t trust them enough to help.

And Cas sees his friends refusing to trust him with his plan. He sees his friends rejecting him and his plan. He sees his friends refusing to listen just as his brothers in Heaven did.

“I’m still me. I’m still your friend. Sam, I’m the one who raised you from Perdition.” {That gets Dean’s attention} “What? Well, no offense, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it.”

Sastiels rejoice! Look, it’s not my ship, but I can see how they’d be stoked their Winchester was touched by an Angel, too, ya know?

“I had no choice.” “No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one,” “You don’t understand. It’s complicated.” “No, actually, it’s not and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh? Unless you knew that it was wrong. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have. What we don’t do is we don’t go out and make another deal with the devil.” “Yeah, it sounds so simple when you say it like that.”

And it does. Yes, Cas fucked up, but he’s trying to save everyone. Not just the Winchesters, but the world. He’s trying to save the innocent people they saw on the playground together not so long ago, the children growing up, the adults growing old, and even the birds flitting from tree to tree in search of the perfect nesting nook.

Cas finally meets Dean’s eyes.

“Where were you when I needed to hear it?” “I was there. Where are you?”

This is on Dean and Cas, their mutual heartbreak. They’ve broken each other, here, in a way that perhaps may never have been repaired. Their trust in one another is shaken, and it’s their own damn fault.

Mostly Cas.

Look, he may be my favorite character, but I’m going to call him on his shit. I’m not precious about my kids, either. I love and celebrate them for the unique, incredible, vibrant humans they are. But everyone knows you own up to your mistakes and we don’t lie in this house.

So, Cas, you’re kinda on my shitlist tonight. Sorry, buddy. You can make it up to me by fixing your shit with your boytoy. Capiche?

“You should’ve come to us for help, Cas.” “Maybe. It’s too late now. I can’t turn back now, I can’t.” “It’s not too late. Damn it, Cas, we can fix this.” “Dean, it’s not broken. Run. You have to run, now. Run!”

Despite everything Cas is still trying to protect them, and Dean still trusts that Cas is telling them to run for that very reason.

That’s what is truly batshit about the end of this scene—angry as they are at one another, much as that trust has been shattered, there’s enough left that Dean will run when Cas tells him to, because he knows deep down the Angel only wants to keep him safe.

You can’t baby proof a hurricane. But that’s what Cas tries to do with Dean. The Angel wants to protect him from further harm. It’s not what he needs, though. Dean needs the truth.

It’s another place where I feel a kinship to Dean. If the news sucks, it sucks. But don’t sugarcoat it and don’t lie. I can figure out what to do if it’s all falling to shit and I know it. But if I’m in the dark, then I’m flailing for a recourse with six minutes to Midnight when the spell goes poof.

Dean opens the door for the others to run through, but he stops to look back at Cas. The firelight illuminates both their faces as they contemplate one another. They’re both hurt. They’re both upset. And shit as their communication is right now, that “bond” is still there.

Damnit. It’d be so much easier for both of them if it wasn’t. But it’s there. They can feel it. Damnit.

“Hello, Dean.” “How’d you get in here?, The angel proofing bobby put up on the house, he got a few things wrong.” “Well, it’s too bad we gotta angel proof in the first place, isn’t it?”

Ouch. It’s another time when Dean wakes to Cas there, but this time, they are at odds. They’re upset. Castiel wants so desperately for Dean to understand his motivation for doing the shit thing. And Dean wants Cas to just not do the shit thing.

But Cas believes in it. And an Angel’s belief and devotion can be dangerous. We’ve seen that time and time, again.

Right now, Cas’ loyalties are divided, but the more he feels rejected by Dean, the more he leans into this terrible choice.

Again, it doesn’t make it right. But we understands where it comes from.

“Why are you here?” “I want you to understand.” “Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah blah, Raphael, right?” “I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.” “Because of me. Yeah. You gotta be kidding me.” “You’re the one that taught me and freedom and free will-“ “You’re a frigging child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want.”

Dean has never been at War the way that Castiel has. There are some horrible, no good decisions that go down in War. Terrible things.

And while Castiel may be new to freedom and free will, infantilizing him isn’t going to help Dean get through to him.

“I know what I’m doing, Dean.” “I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t just ’cause. I’m asking you not to. That’s it.” “I don’t understand.” “Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. That you are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something, you gotta trust me, man.”

It’s too late. Damnit, it’s too late. Castiel has locked in and he can’t unlock.

This is important. Because someday Cas will learn how to roll with things, how to adjust when things shift, how to change gears when it matters.

But he’s not there, yet.

“Or what?” “Or I’ll have to do what I have to do to stop you.” “You can’t Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel.” “I don’t know, I’ve taken some pretty big fish.”

This hurts so bad. Damnit. They’re friends. They care about each other. They trusted each other. But now? Dean is just another human in the way. And Cas is just another dick Angel fucking with the world.

At least, that’s what they each try to tell themselves.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” “Well, I’m sorry, too, then.”

Damnit, you two. I want to shake you both right about now. You, Cas, more than Dean because what the fuck, bro!? But, I get where it comes from. I do. I see the lines of pain and hurt and control and manipulation and programming and fear that have led you to this terrible, terrible choice.

And, Dean, it’s too little too fucking late. All Season you’ve been criticizing him for not showing up the second you want him, and then you barely acknowledge the war he is fighting. Now, in the eleventh hour it looks like you’re using your bond as a bargaining chip instead of an honest declaration.

We know you mean it—how important Castiel has become to you. But the timing is suspect and Castiel is too far-gone to listen. He’s lost, Dean. Completely lost. As lost as you were last season when you were ready to say “yes” to Michael.

Only Cas doesn’t have a Sam to stop him.

God, you two are so alike, sometimes, you know that? You and your Angel are the two most stubborn beings to walk the earth. Maybe someday you’ll learn to listen to one another.

S6E21 -

"Well, at least you tried." "Yeah, a fat lot of good it did. Why’d he even come, right?” … “Our pal Cas didn’t stop in last night just to mend fences.” “What’d he do?” “Stole something.”

This shouldn’t have made me smile, but it did. Yes, I know something’s wrong with me. Don’t worry, someone’ll figure out what it is soon enough.

But this is going to come back around in another era when Cas is lying to Dean and far more effectively manipulating the man—when he needs to steal something else, the colt. I like consistency in character. It’s the little things in life, ya know?

“I didn’t ask for your help.” “Well, regardless, you’re welcome.” “Why are you here?” "I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben.” “Yeah, right.” “You don’t believe me.” “I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of your mouth.”

Cas looks away. He can feel the cord of connection unraveling in the moment. When he looks back, he tries to reach for that connection, to grip the fraying threads in his mind and will them back together.

“I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that, too. Shouldn’t trust run both ways?” “Cas, I just can’t.” Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing-“

It sounds so simple when Cas says it like this. But Dean can see things his angelic buddy just can’t.

“Trust your plan to pop purgatory?” “I’ve earned that, Dean.” “I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben. And I will bring them back. Stand behind me the one time I ask.” “You’re asking me to stand down?” “Dean." "That’s the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me, you know that, right? Well, no thanks. I’ll find them myself. Now why don’t you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass.”

Cas is too wrapped up in this to see it, to see how bad this is. But, buddy, when the bad guy starts saying the same thing you’re saying, it might be time to own up that you’re the bad guy. Just sayin’.

They both have tears in their eyes. Dean is enraged worrying about Lisa and Ben, because from his viewpoint, it was Cas who put them in harm’s way. And Cas can see that much, even if he’s still blind to the rest.

“What do you want?” “Dean, listen-“ “What do you want me to say? She’ll be dead by midnight.” “I’m sorry-“ “I don’t care. It’s too little too late.” “Okay. Well, regardless, I didn’t come for you.” “Meaning?” {Dean picks up on what Cas is doing} “She’s fine now. She’ll wake soon. Dean, I said I’m sorry and I meant it.” “Thank you.”

Dean can’t look at Cas. He can’t. He’s still too mad. But he understands what Cas just did here was big and it matters even if it’s not enough to undo the bad blood between them.

“I wish this changed anything.” “I know. So do I.”

If they were a man and woman, everyone would talk about how these two were star crossed lovers and such. I am not kidding. Listen to this fucking dialogue! These two are on opposite sides of a war and yet falling in love.

The strange thing is that Cas wants to do what is right. He just can’t see it clearly because he got into bed with the demon instead of the handsome hunter.

I mean, come on, Cas had to kiss Crowley to seal their deal, right? Which means technically his first kiss wasn’t Meg, but it was Crowley. Man kisser Castiel confirmed!

Yes, I’m being ridiculous. But these scenes are tough and I could go with a little ridiculousness right about now, what about you?

“All else aside, I just wanted to fix what I could.” “There’s one more thing you could do for me.”

Dean’s eyes are pleading here. He even said “for me” because he knows this is for him. Cas says he didn’t come here for Dean, but we all know he did.

“You must know, everything I did, I did for you,” comes to mind. Yeah, Castiel is so Mr. Darcy. He’s expressing his love the only way he knows how, right now—helping the ones Dean loves.

And, yes I do think Dean loved Lisa and Ben. A different kind of love than the one he finds with Castiel, but a valid love, no less. And he loved them so much he let them go.

S6E22 -

“You don’t even see it, do you? How totally off the rails you are.” “Enough. I don’t care what you think. I’ve tried to make you understand. You won’t listen. So let me make this simple. Please go home and let me stop Raphael {This is all to Dean} I won’t ask again.” “Well, good, ’cause I think you already know the answer.” “I wish it hadn’t come to this. Well, rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down.”

Geez louise, Castiel, what the ever loving fuck!? I love you, man, but this is freakin’ villain-level bitchery.

“This is exactly what Cas wants. For you to fall to pieces. Just try to think of what Sam would want.”

Oh, I hate this arc so much. Yes, Dean’s going to do his own version of this with the Mark of Cain arc in a few seasons (what is it with these boys and doing the absolute most idiotic thing without consulting the others… learn to communicate you fools!). But, right now Castiel is the one in the “Does the worst possible thing” seat.

“First Sam and Dean, and now this? I’m doing my best in impossible circumstances, and my friends, they, abandon me, plot against me. It’s difficult to understand.”

Still the Angel. In a few years, once he is mortal, he will tell Dean that he is only beginning to understand human emotion after years on the planet. Angelic allegiance is so absolute that he mistakes their skepticism in the plan with distrust of him.

“You doubted me. Fought against me. But I was right all along.” “Okay, Cas. You were. We’re sorry. Let’s just defuse you, okay.” “What do you mean?” “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe. So before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” “No, they belong with me.”

Talk about power going to your head. Damn it, Cas, listen to Dean!

“No, Cas, it, it’s scrambling your brain. … Listen to me. Listen. I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. so if that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa. I've lost ben. And now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you, too.”

Watching Bobby’s reaction here is wild because I don’t think he realized until this moment just how much Cas means to Dean.

I mean, Dean isn’t the chattiest guy about his feelings, right? And, yes, we can gauge that part of this was Dean just trying to save the day, but he’s not lying. He’s not. He saw Cas as family which is the highest point of connection he could assign to another being. And he doesn’t want to lose him.

And yes, Sammy with the knife as a plan B wasn’t a bad idea. But I tend to believe Dean—Cas was family.

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all.” “You’re just saying that because I won, because you’re afraid. You’re not my family, Dean. I have no family. {Sam knives him in the back. He pulls it out}, I’m glad you made it Sam, but the angel blade won't work. Because I’m not an angel anymore. I’m your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Now, we all know how this ended—Castiel got booted off the show!

S7E01 -

“The Castiel you knew is gone.” “So what then, kill us?” “What a brave little ant you are.”

Alright, the first time I wrote this autocorrect took over and it read: “Dean is shocked to hear that from his mount”. And while, obviously, I meant “mouth I had to share with y’all because… it ain’t wrong.

Now, the rest of this is just Cas being a douchey, power-driven, hyped up on steroids and cocaine asshole. He calls the Winchesters his “favorite pets” and told Dean “you’ve erased any nostalgia I ever had for you” like a fucking ass.

But, because we only have Collins for about 2.5 minutes before his very special guest run is over, we’re going to blitz through. I mean, Destiel isn’t built on Godstiel, anyway.

“I just wanted to make amends before I die.” "Okay., Is it working?” “Does it make you feel better?” “No. You?” “Not a bit.”

God, these two are ridiculous.

But one thing I note during all this prep is how Bobby treats Cas. Even the little shoulder touch as he says, “Hang in there” is somehow deeper than it was before—because he knows Dean wasn’t lying in that little speech back there at the tail end of Season 6.

Bobby knows Dean Winchester as well as anybody who knows the real Dean. Bobby is one of those people Cas indirectly references is in his declaration of love in the future—“anyone who knows you” knows that Dean does everything because of love.

So, yes, Dean made a speech to try to save the world. But he also loves Cas. And, again, I’m not saying we’re into romantic love, yet.

I tend to be of the opinion that it sneaks up on Dean over time rather than being as instant for Cas, but Bobby knows, now. So, he’s going to treat Cas in a way that honors Dean’s love for him—whatever kind of love it may be.

“He’s gone, Dean.”

Look. At. Dean’s. FACE. Despite everything, this is still a crushing blow. Dean’s hand rests on Cas’ shoulder as he regards him.

“Damn it. Cas, you child. Why didn’t you listen to me?”

Still infantilizing him. Yeah, sure, he fucked up. But he’s not a child, Dean.

Tears fill Dean’s eyes. Because despite everything Cas did, he really wanted to save him. He wanted to save the Angel—because he’s family.

Cas comes back to life, surprising everyone. Dean’s hand lingers on Cas’s arm after they help him up. I seem to remember another time he helps Cas up and his hand lingers.

“I’m astonished. Thank you. Both of you.”

Cas looks at Dean with more adoration than I think he’d ever mustered before, and Dean clocks it. He doesn’t understand it, but you can see he’s not oblivious.

“I’m ashamed. I really overreached.” {he can’t look at anyone, now}” “You think?” {Cas looks right to Dean} “I’ll find some way to redeem myself to you.” “Alright, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Come on.”

They’re walking out together, Dean and Bobby each taking an arm, but Cas reaches up to grab ahold of Dean’s arm, stopping him. He meets his eyes.

“I mean it, Dean.”

This was going to be it, folks. The last moments of Destiel in the entire series were Castiel assuring Dean that he’d find some way to make it up to him, that he would redeem himself to him.

Because it’s about how Cas fucked up majorly, yes, but if there’s one human in the entire world whose opinion matters to Cas, it’s Dean’s.

And he would never get the chance. Another tragedy courtesy of the Writers Room—Castiel dies without redemption. He dies a black and sludgy mess of horrors without hope or agency.

He takes those steps into the water without control of his actions—but it was his choices that led to this, so his hands are bloodied, his legacy marred, his memory defiled with the death of innocents.

But before that… there’s that glimpse of where the character could have gone in the wake of the madness. And Collins gives us that by putting everything he had into those few bites of dialogue.

Imagine Collins knowing this is his last moment as Castiel talking to Dean… his last moment of Destiel. His last moment to be Cas. That’s why there is everything in that scene. Why he gives all that he has.

And it really feels like this is the moment, to me, that Castiel knows he loves Dean Winchester.

Maybe he doesn’t know to what degree, but he knows. It spills out of him in ways that confuse Dean (because it’s something he would never ever expect). And Misha gave that performance thinking it was all the time he had left as Cas in this show. Damn.

Dean spies Cas’ coat in the water and retrieves it. He folds it over in his hands and holds it tight.

“Okay. So, he’s gone.”

Look at Dean’s face. At how his lip quivers as he tries to hold it together. They just got him back… and he’s gone. Nothing to “fix” this time. It’s over.

“Dumb son of a bitch.”

He places his other hand atop the coat, almost gripping it… it’s all he has left of him. There are no photos of them together, no favorite hangouts (save the brother), and very few memories where they weren’t trying to save something or someone.

All he has is a coat. That’s it. And while Dean isn’t the most sentimental person in the world, he carries it out with him and holds onto it.

Now, it should be noted he doesn’t clean the damn thing as evidence of the blood still on the collar when Cas gets it back, but that actually seems pretty true to character, so it works.

Also, the music cue of “Black Water” had me rolling the first time I heard it. I don’t think that’s what they were going for, but considering the black goo in the water, it made me laugh.

Yes, my mother really hated the 80’s. I was a latchkey kid on a plug-in phone on the wall who watched all the movies the teenagers did. I share more memories with GenXers than Millennials, but whatcha gonna do? Can’t help when I was born!

My Dad gave me my 80’s education in the 90’s, and I’m so glad he did because there are some awesome songs in the 80’s.

“I’m fine, really.” “Course, yeah. Just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brothers in the bell jar and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but yeah, I get it. You’re fine.”

Dean is trying so hard to be fine, to pretend to be fine. Because his little brother is hurting, and in Dean’s book, that’s where his attention should be, not on his own shit.

But, Bobby knows, now, and he’s trying to be there for a shattered Dean.

Now, Destiel is nowhere near where it will get down the line. But, still, “Best friend ever” is a hard thing to lose.

S7E07 -

We get a brief Cas mention here when Dean says “Of course, since Cas I’m having a hard time trusting anybody” because he did trust Cas. And all of that hurt a lot more than he’s admitted to anyone, yet.

Dean doesn’t let people in easily. It’s just not his thing. But Castiel found his way in despite being an Angel, of all things. Anna was a blip on the Angel radar who ultimately betrayed them, and Dean was able to let that go pretty easily.

But Cas was different. Cas was family. And it all fell apart.

S7E13 -

“Bobby was right. Your head’s not in it. When Cas died you were wobbly, but now-“ “Now, what? Oh, what, you’re dealing with this so perfect? Yeah, newsflash, pal, you’re just as screwed up as I am.”

It’s the first time Sam’s brought up Cas since he died, but I do appreciate the impact. Of course Bobby’s death would rock him harder. That’s completely expected.

But I like the acknowledgement that Cas’ death messed him up so much Sam noticed it despite all the shit he has going on right now.

Sam is not oblivious to the Destiel, here. He just likes not being punched in the face, so he tends not to bring it up.

S7E17 -

“When you put my soul back, Cas warned you about all the crap-“ “Screw Cas!”

Sorry, Dean. That’s your job, not your brother’s. Just sayin’!

Not much later, Dean’s search for anything to help Sam leads him to the doorstep of Emmanuel. Well, he kills off the faker, and then comes face-to-face with… holy shit! That’s Cas!

Dean has fucking seen a ghost… it’s Castiel. And, gosh, I wish I was a part of the fandom at this point because I can only imagine how wild it got. Of course Dean and Cas reunite when the others aren’t with them. Even if our dear Cas is out of his head

“What was that?”

Three words for us to know Cas isn’t fully Cas. Three words. I want to kiss the writers for that.

Look, establishing shit is tedious, sometimes. You have to try to find a way to get the necessary information to the audience without dragging it out, boring them to tears, or making it feel like we forgot what this character talks like.

In Star Trek, the writers always seemed to quickly identify who was good with expeditionary dialogue. This case is a little different, but still the same concept—get the audience caught up to where we are so we can move on with the story. So well done.

“I’m Emmanuel.” “Dean. I’m, Dean.” “Thank you for protecting my wife.” “Your wife. Right.”

Jensen Ross Ackles (yes, I went on Wikipedia to find out his bloody middle name) what the hell were you doing with your lip there? That little lip quiver?

I mean, there was a bit of surprise, yeah, but that lip quiver read as… a little more.

And, an aside on the Wikipedia look—I totally forgot he was on Dark Angel. I was a mega fan of Season One of that show, but didn't watch much of Season 2, when Ackles was on there, but I do vaguely remember him!

“You don’t know about-”

Anything, Dean. He doesn’t know about anything. He doesn’t know what horrors he wrought. He doesn’t know who he is. He doesn’t know who Dean is.

Dean, who has lost Bobby and is struggling not to lose Sam, is standing in front of the guy who he mourned despite him dooming the whole fucking world. He's got Cas right here, but he doesn’t remember anything.

“What’s your issue?” “My brother.”

And the guy who did this to him is standing across from him. You did this to him, you fucker. Maybe you’re the only one who can undo it.

But Emmanuel doesn’t know who he is, doesn’t know what he’s done. And if Dean tells him, he risks losing his one shot to save Sam.

“So, Daphne… is that your, uh, your wife?” "She found me and cared for me. … Oh, it s a strange story. You may not like it.” “Believe me I will. … So who named you Emmanuel?” "bouncybabynames.com"

Okay, somehow this is super Cas coded. I don’t know why, but the first time I heard it, I thought, “Yup, that’s what Cas would do”. And by Dean's head tilt, I think he’s thinking the same thing.

I looked up Emmanuel, and it means “God with us”. I was pretty sure I remembered that from my Sunday School, but confirming it made me giggle. Yes, the Angel who tried to be God named himself “God with us”. Bless.

"Must be weird not knowing who you are.” “Well, it's my life and its a good life.” “What if you were some sort of uh, I don’t know, a bad guy?” “I don’t feel like a bad person.”

Dean’s testing the waters to see how much he should say. How much he can say. His priority right now is Sam—like it almost always is. So, Dean clams up.

“Someone did this to him.” “You’re angry.”

Of all the lines Collins delivers as Emmanuel, this is the one that reminds me he's still Cas. This isn’t Jimmy. This is a version of Cas if he was born human with special powers… but he is still Cas. This is a Cas line.

Also, Cas is still Cas. He can see into Dean. He doesn't know why he can, but he can.

“Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother’s head.” “He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?”

Cas is doing the Cas thing of seeing into things, but somehow Dean's doing a good job of covering up the fact that Cas is Cas. But Castiel’s senses are still alive and firing, even if his memory isn’t.

“Yeah, well, he’s gone.” “Did you kill him? I sense that you kill a lot of people.”

Dean’s firmly in, “I’m gonna get through this to save my brother” mode. Cas was his friend and Cas is gone, as far as he knows.

“Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn’t be messier. You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. Whatever it was. It might take some time. I always could. What Cas did, I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

Oh, Dean, honey. You have never had a friend like Cas. You have never trusted someone like Cas. Yes, Bobby, sure. But Bobby took the Dad role.

You tried to put Cas in a “brother” role because that’s all you know and “Panromantic Asexual Life Partner” (at this point) wasn’t in your vocabulary.

You can’t shake it because you still love Cas. Yes, as family at this point, not a lover. He is family. And he’s sitting right next to you.

And his betrayal is so much worse because you made him family.

Nobody made him blood, like your dad. No, you chose Cas. And that’s why it hurts like hell and you can’t stop feeling it.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Why.” “Of course it matters.” “No, you’re not a machine, Dean. You’re human. Your friend’s name was Cas? That’s an odd name.”

That line, “You’re not a machine, Dean” hits me every time, because it’s the first time Emmanuel has called Dean “Dean” and he does it in a very Cas way.

“Imagine when I track him down and he's snuggled up with you.”

Meg’s smart. She knows that while she and Cas have a spark, Dean’s Cas’s first—and only—love.

“Are you sure we wouldn’t be safer traveling with a full-throttle angel? I could jog his memory. {Off Dean's withering look} Kidding!”

Much fun as it was for Dean to watch Cas and Meg make out the last time, that’s the last thing he wants to see about now.

And before Dean and Meg step aside for this next exchange, I love the staging. Castiel is between his boyfriend and his girlfriend. Aw. They can share him because Cas has two hands!

Anyway…

“I know you're enjoying the double dip with your old pal-” “You think it’s that cut and dry?”

I’m sorry. Did Dean just… did he just. I’m actually speechless.

Because “double dip” here is a very assertive poke where Castiel is the ice cream and Dean’s the one eating. You see where I’m going with this, right!?

See, Cas can’t remember who he is, right? So Dean gets his time in with Cas, and now he gets to double dip and get more with Cas via Emmanual. It can also be taken very sexually.

And Dean didn’t deny it, right? Sure, he doesn’t deny it when people make assertions about him and Cas. He just rolls with it. But he also doesn’t dismiss it in his rapid-fire response to Meg, and I find that fascinating.

NOTE: I always find a word that gets used a lot in a Meta. Sometimes it’s a term of endearment I use for a character. Sometimes it’s a term I use to describe a scene. I think I’ve written “Fascinating” 40 times here.

But, since this isn’t for a grade or publication in a magazine, I’m leaving every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Oh, yeah, I live on the edge! Wild child right here.

ahem

“You know what he did. And you just wanna tell him and hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap. He could disappear. Who knows.” “I gather we know each other.”

It’s the Angelic Swoop! It’s the Angel Camera swoop! Sure, Dean just slid up behind them instead of poofing out of nowhere, but the camera did the swoop!

“You can tell me. I’ll be fine.” “How do you know? You just met yourself. I’ve known you for years.” “You’re an angel.” “I’m sorry. Is that a flirtation?”

God Bless you Cas. You’re still in there. And Dean does the most adorable little double-take there. Like, “that’s what you think flirting is? I’ve been doing this wrong for years!”

Yes, I know. I know. I don’t think Dean’s there, yet. And your mileage may vary, and I know it will! But, I don’t think Dean quite knows, yet.

“No, it’s a species. A very powerful one.” “She’s not lying. That’s why you heal people. you don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.” “Why wouldn’t you tell me? Being an Angel, it sounds pleasant.” “It’s not. Trust me. It’s bloody. It’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.” “He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually.”

Dean rolls his eyes at that, because there's always the implication of more that he still doesn’t deny.

“We’re friends? Am I Cas? I had no idea. I don’t remember you. I’m sorry.” … “It’s in there. I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.” “I don’t know how to do that either.”

Dean’s reaction here is classic Dean when it comes to Cas and his inability to understand Pop Culture or very human references and turns of phrase. In a way, it’s comforting.

And despite his lack of memory, Cas is still Cas. He barely knows Dean, right now, but he trusts him. Meg said so herself!

He’s walking into this battlefield armed with knowledge he doesn’t know he has. But he’ll do it for Dean.

Maybe this is the only universe where Dean and Cas find each other, but it’s the one universe where they always find their way back to one another.

Because fuck destiny and fuck fate. Sometimes soulmates aren’t crafted by divine intervention but are found in spite of it.

The first memory we see is the barn… when he first spoke to Dean after rescuing from Hell. Then, it’s saving Dean and rebelling in the Burger Room. Next, dooming Sam, then taking the blood. His “I’m sorry, Dean”. Because while he’s remembering everything, we’re getting the clip show.

And someone in charge knew that Dean is at the center of it all for Cas. And Cas knows, too. He knows. He still wouldn’t call it romantic love, I don’t think, but he knows that Dean means more to him than anyone ever has. And now he remembers just how much he failed him. Not just the world… he failed Dean.

“Cas?” “I remember you.”

I have to pause here to appreciate Collins’ physicality. Just the way he turns around to face Dean is so obviously our Castiel and not Emmanuel or anyone else.

“I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because Sam is dying in there.” “Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn’t be here.” “Cas. Cas!”

Castiel cuts between his lovers as he storms off, and Dean makes sure he’s the one to go after their shared situationship while Meg stays behind.

“If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time.” “Don’t defend me. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven. On earth? We didn’t part friends Dean.” “So what?” “I deserved to die.”

Dean almost nods at it. I mean, when Cas commits, he commits. When Cas fucks up, he fucks up.

“Now I can’t possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?” “Maybe to fix it.”

Castiel doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, and the first time I saw this scene I laughed aloud, because I’d heard tale of the legendary coat that had traveled from car to car with Dean. I thought it was the thing of myths and legends.

But there’s the damn coat.

It was all Dean had left of Cas—the best friend he’d ever had. Cas sees the coat, and he can’t take his eyes off of it, even to look at Dean. Because this is a really beautiful nonverbal way for Dean to say what he needs to say without saying it.

Dean doesn’t like getting emotional or giving speeches. He starts to do more later. But, this is Season 7 Dean and he’s not there, yet.

This is Dean’s way of showing Cas that even after everything he did, Cas still matters to Dean. So much of Season 6 felt like the Winchesters using Cas and Castiel lying to them.

This is their restart. This is their new beginning. This is the moment when Dean says, “Yes, I want you to heal my brother. Yes, you’re the one who fucked him up. But I carried this shitty coat around for months because of this ‘profound bond’ of ours. You matter to me as you, not just for what you can do to help me”.

Inside the hospital, Cas wears the coat over his Emmanuel clothes. It feels more costume than clothing with the slicked down hair and suburban housewife attire underneath. He can barely look at Dean as he tells him he can’t fix it.

“But I maybe able to shift it.” “Shift?” “Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet.”

Dean doesn’t realize what Cas is doing, but Cas is committed. He told Dean before that he was going to find a way to redeem himself to him. We know that he would do anything for Dean.

“It’s better this way. I’ll be fine.” “Wait, Cas, what are you doing?”

But Cas isn’t going to tell him the plan. Because he did this to Sam, and he’s going to fix it.

“Look, man, I get it. She’s not our friend. We don’t even have friends. All our friends are dead.”

Ouch. Real ouch. But Dean saw what the mental breakdown was doing to Sam, and they know that Cas has taken that on. Nobody knows how his Angelic programming will handle it. He’s as good as dead to them. And that aches.

S7E18 -

Including this because Bobby sent Dean to Cas. I think a lot about the Series Finale, and while we have the utter lack of Castiel, we do have an eye waggle and some encouragement from Bobby for Dean to go after his Angel.

Imagine how much Bobby’s been watching them, how much he sees now that he can follow them around.

S7E21 -

“Cas is awake. … Last night about 8.” “And you waited until now to call us?”

I love how annoyed Dean is that Meg waited so long to give him an update on their shared situationship. And I also love that the Winchester boys are already determined to drive to Cas before they put it together that his waking times out with the tablet.

Again, we’re finally seeing that they value Cas for Cas. It’s about damn time.

Now, Dean and Sam know that things are going to be fucked up with Cas. Between what he did, and then what he absorbed from Sam, they’re not sure what to expect.

But there was never a question of whether they’d go—even before they make the tablet connection, they’re driving.

“Hey, Cas?” “Hello, Dean. Sam.”

The iconography here is insane. Cas as Castiel in his right mind wears the trench coat over the suit. From the behind-the-scenes clips poor Collins runs hot and this get-up can’t help much with that.

But, here, Castiel is wearing his trench coat on the outside, but much as it was ill-fitting with his cul-de-sac clothes, it looks almost comical over the blank, white psych patient clothing.

He wants to be closer to his true self—but underneath he’s still not himself. He’s clawing toward it, but the damage he did to Sam was monstrous, and the impact is still devastating, even to his Angelic programming.

“Hey Castiel.” “Look at you walking and talking. That’s, that’s great, right?”

Look at the hope in Dean’s eyes. Yes, they parted on a bad note before the weird adventures of Cas’ memory loss, but even then, Dean’s kinda attached to the guy.

Of course, seconds later they see that Cas isn’t fully there. But, hey, Dean was ready for a lot worse, right? And he came anyway.

As they try to talk to Cas and see what’s left of him, you can see the sadness in Dean’s eyes. Sam is keeping the conversation moving because Dean is lost in thought.

“I love you guys.”

It’s so strange, because Castiel is speaking more forthright than he usually would—about Meg’s beauty, about his love for the Winchesters. He’s uncorked, you might say.

And he isn’t fully himself because what we choose to release and what we choose to keep close is a part of what makes us… us. Castiel hasn’t yet fully found his way back to himself.

Gosh, what a rollercoaster ride this must’ve been for the actor. I mean, a fun one, but if you could how many minutes he’s been fully Castiel in this season, it’s less than 5 minutes of screen time. That’s just wild.

“Alright, I’ll go handle Cas. Sam, will you please pick up the word of God?”

Dean instinctively knows it has to be him. He does! He just doesn’t fully understand why, yet.”

"It’s Sam’s thing, isn’t it? You taking on his, uh, Cage match scars. I’m guessing that’s what broke your bank, right?" "Well, it took everything to get me here." "What are you talking about, man?"

Rachel’s flashing to S15E18, again. The exact same phrase when Castiel spoke in a way Dean couldn’t yet understand.

I mean, yeah, the Angel’s a bit out of his mind, but I love the consistency in things like this, little phrases characters use often enough, but not so repetitively that they become a 90’s catchphrase.

Literally, last night my husband said, “You got it, Dude” and I told him there’s no way I married Michelle Tanner from Full House. We were kids in the 80’s and 90’s. Catchphrases were all the rage.

“Dean, I know you want different answer.” “No I want you to button up your coat and help us take down leviathans. Do you remember what you did?” … “I’m sorry, Dean.” “No. You’re playing sorry.”

Dean is hurting and he’s angry. And while that is perfectly valid, Castiel isn’t running at full speed. He can barely get through a conversation, let alone march into battle.

Later, Meg returns from killing the Demons, and we have Castiel and Dean in the two-shot, Cas over his shoulder like the little broken Angel he is.

“You have fallen in every way imaginable.”

Ouch, Hester. Ouch. I mean, yeah, I can understand why you hate the guy—destroying fucking Heaven and all. But words still hurt.

“He can’t help you. He can’t help anybody.”

Finally, Dean, you got your head out of your ass long enough to understand the situation. Thank you.

“We’re trying to clean up one of your Angel’s messes and you know that.”

Cas is fidgety. He doesn’t like the confrontation. He doesn’t like disappointing Dean.

“He’s right. An angel brought the leviathan back into this world, And, and they begged him, they begged him not to do it.”

Dean hates begging, but it’s true. And Cas is finally saying Dean was right. Too late, of course.

“Why should we give you anything {shot of Dean} after everything you have taken from us?” {Shot of Cas}

Yeah, this was not edited to be subtle at all. We aren’t even looking at Kevin Tran or Sam or any of the other Angels. This is about Castiel. This is about Dean and Castiel.

We are quite literally addressing the Destiel in the room. And it’s by one pissed-off Angel.

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. Why on earth did people tell y’all that you were hallucinated Destiel!? It’s like the craziest mass gaslighting ever!

Dean stares defiantly, but there’s hurt there, too. Because this is a confirmation of everything he’s ever believed about himself. He always sees the worst in himself and much as we know Cas’ shit is on him, in this moment Dean almost believes her.

Because he never believed he was worth saving. He believes he’s worth abandoning. He believes he’s poison to those he loves.

“For that you’re going to pay.” {She advances on Dean, but Cas steps up}, “Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.” {Cas spins so Hester is facing him, away from Dean}

She starts beating the shit out of him, and the Winchesters are ready to fight before the other Angels stop them. And as soon as Meg spikes the bitch, the other Angels are like, “Meh. Guess we’ll move on, now”.

Like, seriously, nobody liked Hester. They’re all just standing around, not killing the demon who iced their sibling. Buh-bye, bitch!

“It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen Angel.” “Well, you know me. I’m always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.”

He hands the blood to Dean, right past Sam. And you can see that Dean appreciates the actual help from the broken, fallen Angel.

S7E22 -

“I mean, it’s what he’d want us to do. Right?” “Yeah, him, and Frank, and Cas—if his marbles were in the bag.”

Dean’s almost always the one to bring up Cas. The Angel is so important to him, though he’s not going to say it.

S7E23 -

“We can call Castiel, again.” “Dude, on my car, he showed up naked… covered in bees.”

I told my husband about this, and he immediately said, “Trying to woo him!?” But, seriously, this might be the strangest way to tell a flower you want to pollinate him.

“You deal with him, I can’t anymore.” “You might want to be more specific.” “I was laying low halfway across the world when emo boy pops up out of nowhere and zaps me right back here.” “Why?” “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.”

Dean’s face falls and eyes kind of narrow… but he doesn’t bother denying it.

All the times he has denied being gay, but when it comes to Cas, he doesn’t, really. And the jaw clench at the end, there. phew

I’m not saying Dean is in love with Cas at this point, and Cas showed at the beginning of the season with those looks that he must be aware, now, on some level. I mean, half the celestial world knows. Destiel lore is spreading.

Dean approaches Cas outside… sees Cas is still not all there. Dean lifts his head to gather all his will to get through this.

Have you ever steadied yourself to talk to a friend or family member struggling with dementia? It reminds me of that, of trying to remember that who you’re talking to, now, isn’t exactly who you spoke with then. Not really.

They’re still in there, but you don’t know if you’re going to reach them or not. It’s unsettling and it’s super hard.

“I don’t want to fight.” "No, I’m not-” {Dean calms himself} We’re worried.”

This is tough for Dean. Cas is majorly triggered by conflict, and Dean’s first reaction is to get mad. So, this is a big thing for both of them.

"Alright, enough.”

Dean taking a Cas line to defend Cas from Crowley.

“I can’t help. Do you understand? I can’t. I destroyed everything {Cas’ voice breaks} and I will destroy everything again. So can we please leave it at that?”

Castiel truly thinks he can’t do anything right. God, these two are so similar in so many ways—except Cas’s instinct here is to pull back while Dean’s gut is telling him to lean in.

“No. No we can’t. We can’t leave it. You let these friggin things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. And you don’t get a damn cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess.” … “Nice, you scared off the empire’s only hope.” “Meaning?” “It occur to you that ever one of those things was in Cas? He knows them. He can see past the meat suits.”

Ding, ding, ding! Keeping calm actually benefits the cause, Dean. And, I get it. I have anger issues, and have had to work my whole life to temper my temper. But, you gotta get through to Cas another way.

Cas watches from the stairs as Sam and Dean say goodbye to Bobby, likely invisible to their eyes. He’s still Angelic enough to be removed from those he loves, but it’s the Dean-to-Cas swoop shot that reveals him. It’s their shot.

“Cas, I need a wingman.” “Dean-“ “You don’t want to jump into the jaws of death that’s… fine. How about we run a little errand?”

It’s a good ask. And, honestly, giving these two a moment alone is almost always a good idea.

“Dean-“ “Cas. We’ve been over it. I get it. You can’t help.” “If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct.” “I don’t know, I guess." “And at best I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or I don’t die. I’m brought back again. I see now it’s a punishment resurrection. It’s worse every time.”

This line makes me laugh, because it’s kinda true. Every time Cas comes back, seems thing to suck more than ever, until the Empty sends him back. That one works out better than the rest.

"I’m sorry. Uh, we’re talking about God crap, right?” I’m not good luck, Dean.”

Oh, my poor, sweet Angel. You really think you’re going to make it worse for him, don’t you? Because your last venture out went so terribly, you’re afraid to do it, again. And you don’t want to let Dean down, again.

Think about it. Cas told Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, but he’s not completely there and he knows it. He knows that something is off about him, and that’s only compounding his insecurities.

“Yeah, but you know what, bottom of the 9th and you’re the only guy left on the bench? Sorry, but I’d rather have you. Cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, alright. We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?”

This line is insane. The first time I heard it I gasped. It’s such a simple line, void of romance or flirtation. It’s simply Dean stating what he sees. But, oh, what does Cas see?

Yes, darling, you’re good luck to him. You changed his entire world and the course of his existence, so, yes, you’ll always be good luck to him.

And Cas’ features go so soft here. Damnit, Collins, you’re at it, again, with the subtleties. And what I adore about this scene is that Dean picks up on it. He notes the shift in Cas immediately.

“What?” “Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.” “Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so.” “Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.” “Thanks.”

Have you ever had the love of your life say the right thing when you needed it most? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I say some stupid shit sometimes, and so does Matthew.

But there are times when I need that reminder of what I can do, who I am, what I mean to those I love. It doesn’t take much, but that can be enough to push us to overcome our fears.

Dean doesn’t realize that’s what he’s done for Cas—emboldened him enough to risk failing for the hope of succeeding.

“Wake up.”

Cas usually waits for Dean to wake. He can’t this time. They’re in Purgatory, and they need to get moving. With a whoosh Cas is gone and Dean’s left with the monsters.

And I have to call out the insanity that is Collins’ performance this year as Castiel. Yes, he only had a handful of episodes, but in that handful of episodes he had maybe 5 minutes of screen time where Cas was Cas and not something else.

He was Godstiel. He was possessed by Leviathans. He was Emmanuel. Then, he was briefly himself before taking on Sam’s mental anguish. And for the rest of the season, he’s a teetering mess in tatters, not fully himself.

It’s just mind boggling to me from a performance standpoint, and I applaud Collins’ efforts.

S8E01 -

“What about Cas? Was he there?” “Yeah, Cas didn’t make it.”

Widower Arc II, baby! The first one left Dean “shaky” according to Sam, but this ones only gonna get worse.

Every time Dean loses Cas, he realizes how much deeper their bond has grown. Because, yes, while they’ve only been reunited a few episodes by the end of Season 7, and Castiel isn’t fully himself, it’s Cas.

And in the eleventh hour, when they faced down Dick Roman, Cas was the one to help Dean finish him off. He came through. He didn’t fail. Despite his fear, he showed up and got it done.

And then he was gone. Gone.

Think about this from Dean’s perspective—a being he sees as family pulled himself together enough to face certain death for Dean’s sake. Dean knows this.

And he’s going to find that little Angel and protect him, right? He’s going to save him, right? Because Cas came through for Dean and Dean cannot fail him.

But he does. At least, that’s what he believes.

Dean walks away from his brother. Can’t look him in the eye. He thinks he failed Cas.

“What exactly does that mean?” “Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy toward the end and he just… let go.” “So Cas is dead. You saw him die.” “I saw enough.” “So, you’re not sure.” “I said I saw enough, Sam.” {Dean turns back} “Right. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Sam knows that Cas and Dean have some kind of special connection. You can’t tell me otherwise after that! Much as Sam is sad to know that Cas is gone, Dean is the one wrecked by it. It’s plain to see.

“Me, too.

Oh, the self-loathing. Looks like Cas and Dean are playing Hot Potato with this one and it’s Dean’s turn.

“Did you look for me, Sam?”

This is such a core part of Dean… that “not give up” spirit he has. The only time he didn’t look for Sam was when Sam made him promise to go live a life at the end of Season 5.

“Good. That’s good. We always told each other not to look for each other.”

And how much time did he spend in Purgatory looking for the Angel? From the moment they were separated, Dean tried to reunite with him.

“That’s smart. That’s good for you. Of course we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each other, but not this time, right Sammy?”

And I see why he’s hurting. He spent a year looking for Cas in Purgatory only to lose him at the last second, and he gets back to find that his brother didn’t look for him at all.

Yes, they are very different people and I don’t think Dean realizes he’s continuing the same cycle his father began with them—pushing the family to hunt together rather than living normal lives.

It might seem selfish to be human. I think that’s how Dean sees it, sometimes. But it’s also important to be human, and Sam understands that better than his big brother.

“Take a breath. Calm down. Where’s the angel?” You’re him. The human.” “Where’s the angel?”

I’m sorry. You’re telling me that all it took for the demon to know who Dean was was “Where’s the Angel?” Three-ish words and the dude’s a legend for tearing through Purgatory looking for his Angel?

“Alright, what about you?” “What about me?” “Look at you. You’ve still got that look. You’re shaky. You’re on edge.”

And he’s constantly thinking about Purgatory. About his hunt for the angel. Every memory we’ve seen so far, he mentions the Angel.

Also shaky is back. That’s the word Sam used the last time they lost Cas back in Season 7. He said that Dean was shaky. So, at least the human is consistent, though I’m convinced his mourning is deeper this time.

Because he thinks he failed him.

In my mind’s eye, I see Castiel at the beginning of Season 7 telling Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, and then presumably never getting the chance. Dean wanted to be Castiel’s hero, to bring him home because they are family. And he failed.

He left someone behind. He didn’t want to, but he abandoned Castiel in the land of monsters because he wasn’t enough.

No, it’s not entirely accurate, we’ll come to learn. But that’s what Dean sees. He always sees the worst in himself because that’s easier to believe than the good.

Yeah, this is another one of those places where I relate to Dean more than I should. I’ve always seen the worst in myself and find criticism easier to believe than praise. It’s not a fun way to be.

“First we find the Angel.” “Mm, three’s a crowd, chief.” “Well, hey, either you’re in or you’re out.”

Dean is throwing his words back at Benny, but he’s making the stakes clear—you wanna get out of here, I’ll take you, but not without the Angel.

Also, I know there was a huge contingent of Benny/Dean shippers, and I see the vision! But, Benny-boo, Cas already has that prime real estate in Dean’s heart, so like Meg with Cas, you’re just gonna have to share him.

“Dean. You’re looking. Well, let’s say Purgatory didn’t do you any favors. Where’s your Angel?”

Uhhh. Your Angel!? Season 8 Crowley is full on aware of the Dean/Cas situation. And, yes, I wrote it like we used to write ships back before Soap Operas popularized name combinations.

Heck, for Mulder and Scully, you’d just declare in the AOL Chat Room if you were a Shipper, Fencer, or Noromo. These were simpler times. But I think Crowley, here, is a full-on Heller by now.

Somewhere between the end of Season 6 and the beginning of Season 8, there’s a huge shift in the Destiel relationship and how Dean sees Cas. He stops infantilizing him. He starts caring about him in a new way and really showing it.

They start to have honest conversations and deepen what’s already there. But, we’ll get to all that.

S8E02 -

“You’ll find your angel there.”

While Dean has been saying “the” Angel, I like that people start calling Cas “your Angel or flipping the script from Cas collecting Dean to Dean collecting Cas.

Because, if we’re real, they’re each other’s favorite Pokémon.

“Dean Winchester?” “Do I know you?” “Uh, no, but, uh, I knew Castiel.” “You’re an angel?”

Most Angels who want to “Talk” to Dean are aggressive, angry, and assertive. Samandriel, in this unassuming vessel, is polite. And, like anyone who understands Castiel at all, he knows that Dean will be the one with any answers.

"I wanted to ask you about Castiel. What happened to him?” “Well, uh, me and Cas, we, uh, we iced Dick Roman and got a one-way rocket ride to Purgatory for our trouble.” “But you escaped, Did, did Castiel?”

Dean’s face says it all. And it kinda sucks because Cas didn’t have a lot of friends left in Heaven after the whole Leviathan thing, so it’s sad that Dean had to deliver the bad news.

“You know there are some in heaven who still believe despite his mistakes that Castiel’s heart was always in the right places.” “Are you one of them?” “I think too much heart was always Castiel’s problem.”

This dude looks angry at Dean. Did you notice that? He brushes Dean’s arm as he passes. He doesn’t want to talk to Dean anymore. He got his answer. And now he’s done.

And I imagine that only digs the dagger deeper into Dean. His mind flits back to Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, the one with too much heart, the one he lost.

Cas still wears a hospital band around his wrist as he washes his face and hand in the water in Purgatory. He hears Dean’s voice and looks around. It’s not that he can’t pinpoint the source of the voice, but that he’s looking for Leviathan.

Before facing him, Cas is trying to be sure Dean will be safe during this conversation. It’s such a minute thing, but it’s clear as day that he’s not only fairly sane, but also completely on mission—protect Dean Winchester at all costs.

So it begins.

Castiel stands without moving. If he moves, he might lose his vantage point to see all around them to try to keep Dean safe. But Dean walks toward him like a lost man in the woods following a far-off beacon of light.

Dean laughs as he approaches Cas, pulling him into a hug. His face turns away from Benny as he nearly crumbles. Yes, Cas once hugged Dean and Sam while still struggling with sanity, but this is Dean initiating a hug. He doesn’t do that lightly.

And he and Benny are working together, but they aren’t tight, yet, so he doesn’t want the Vamp to see the ache of hugging Cas, of finding him. His Angel. Finally.

Cas doesn’t hug back. He doesn’t think he deserves this hug. He is still punishing himself for everything he did, for everything he cannot fix.

“Damn it’s good to see you.” {he lets one hand linger on Cas’ shoulder before touching a finger to Cas’ cheek} Nice peach fuzz.” “Thank you.”

It’s such a familiar thing, there. None of the bad blood of Season 7. He’s just so relieved to have his Angel back.

“How did you find me?” “The bloody way.”

Oh, the lengths Dean has gone through for you, Castiel. Last season, you didn’t think you were good luck, but you helped him take down the big bad. And this season, you don’t think you deserve to be saved. But he does.

And nobody’s commanding it, Castiel.

Listen to me, you foolish little Angel. This is an act of love on Dean’s part because you are family. You matter to him not because you’re an Angel or because of your abilities but because of you and who you are.

I know you can’t see it. I know it will be a long time before you even begin to realize you matter to Dean because despite being able to see into him, it’s the one thing you won’t allow yourself to see.

“I ran away.” “You ran away.”

And now Dean’s faith is shattered, again.

"I had to." “That’s your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla wolves?” “Dean-” “You bailed out and, what, went camping? I prayed to you, Cas, every night.”

Oh. My. Gosh. The first time Dean prayed to Cas and he appeared, the angel said it was a sign of faith. So, despite everything that has happened between these two, Dean didn’t lose faith in Cas. He didn’t. He prayed every night.

And Cas can’t meet Dean’s eyes. Because even though he knows why he stayed away, he can feel the disappointment, the betrayal, the pain radiating off of Dean.

Also, the music cue on “every night” is so intentional. They want us to feel the emotion and the agony here.

Remember, every part of a production tells a story. The music’s telling it, too. We just have to be listening.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” “I am an Angel in a land of abomination. There have been things hunting from the moment we arrived.” “Join the Club." “These are not just monsters, Dean, they are Leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to-”

Cas stops, looking over to Benny.. he doesn’t want to give this stranger this insider info. But, honey, your human’s already blown your cover.

All of Purgatory know what you are to one another because Dean’s been running around with bullets and blades yelling, “Where’s my honey lemon?!” for the last year.

But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is what truly kept him away.

“-to keep them away from you.”

This hits Dean hard. He realized that Cas has been protecting him this whole time. That Cas led the worst of the worst away from Dean to keep Dean safe. He prioritized Dean.

And much as Dean would rather be in the battle with Cas every time, it’s a lot harder to be mad knowing Cas was making himself a moving target to try to give Dean a chance to survive.

“That’s why I ran. Just leave me, please."

Now that he’s said what he needs to say, he turns away. He’s trying to distance himself from Dean, to give Dean a chance because in Purgatory he’s nothing but poison to Dean.

If the very touch of Dean corrupted Cas, the very presence of Cas endangers Dean. How surreal that these two whose existences so often seem contradictory come to best live in the presence of one another.

“Cas, we’re getting out of here. We’re going home.” “Dean, I can’t.” “You can. … Cas, buddy, I need you.”

Look at Cas’ reaction. Look at that. Because Cas can see into Dean. He can see that Dean means this—Dean needs Cas.

It’s not Dean asking Cas to do something for him. It’s not him needing Cas’ skills or expertise or powers or knowledge.

This is the first time that Dean has looked at Cas and said I need you.

It’s not about use or purpose. It’s about one being needing another being. Dean needs Cas in his life. He does. He needs him.

And he’s acknowledging it for the first time.

We don’t know if it’s the first time he’s realized it within himself, but it’s the first time he’s verbalized it. And it’s almost too much for Cas.

Cas is where Dean was in S4E01…. he doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. But what can he say to Dean? How can he tell this being who is finally looking at him and saying he needs him that he can’t go with him? That he won’t?

Even how this is shot is so damn intimate. I mean, we have the shots where all three are visible, but this moment is Dean talking to Cas over Cas’ shoulder, and then a closeup of Cas’s face.

Because this is intimate and this is personal and it allows us to momentarily forget Benny and rest in this moment with Cas who is feeling things he never thought he’d feel.

Now, much as Dean thinks he’s corruption to Cas, Cas thinks he’s poison to Dean. They’re so damn similar, but for just a second, Castiel forgets all that and absorbs his words—Dean needs me.

“Dean.” “And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let them.”

“Us. There’s an us here, now." I know I have referenced that line from Dawson’s Creek in other metas, but that’s because it’s one of those things that stands out to me in shows—when two characters choose to become an us.

Dean and Sam are a dynamic duo, brothers. But Cas? Much as Dean tries to say he sees him like a brother or whatnot, it’s because he’s trying to fit his relationship with Cas into a heteronormative box based on his life of experience.

And, yes, Benny makes three, but Dean is making a point to Cas, here. You don’t have to do this alone. We are going to do this together.

“We ganked those bitches once before, we can do it, again.”

Look at Dean’s face. He wants to do this with Cas. He can’t imagine going on without him.

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you.”

Dean has abandonment issues. He also has a fear of failing people. The people who need him most. The people he loves.

And all of this—from Dean saying he needs Cas to saying he won’t leave without him—has been shot without a glimpse of Benny. This was intentional. This tells a story.

We’re going on a journey in this scene, and for this particular part, Benny is a distraction. Because this is about the Destiel.

This is about Dean trying to get through to Castiel, and Cas trying to appease Dean enough to keep him moving, to get him to safety, knowing that he won’t follow behind.

Because Dean’s motivation in this scene is to get Cas and get back on the road. Castiel’s motivation is to get rid of Dean to keep him safe. But Cas quickly realizes Dean won’t move on without him.

Because Dean needs him.

Castiel is a burden to Dean and Benny, here. He’s literally a lightning rod for Leviathans and will dramatically reduce their chance of escape. But Dean doesn’t care.

That’s what is so wild about this. It’s the “heart choice” as Sam would say. Dean’s making the heart choice for Cas because he loves him.

It doesn’t matter what kind of love, at this point. It’s love. And it’s what Dean believes will pull that resistant Angel outta Purgatory, no matter what.

No, y’all weren’t crazy. I hope you know that.

This final shot on the water is beautiful.

Benny has been there during the scene, and when he was trying to split these two up by baiting Cas, he was in between them in a lot of the shots.

Then, what it got personal, the shots transitioned until it was close ups of Dean and Cas—because this is them. Dean unyielding in wanting to keep them together. Castiel doing anything to protect Dean, even if it means keeping them apart.

In this last wide shot with the three of them in silhouette, Benny is on the outside, and Cas and Dean are facing one another. What a beautiful metaphor for how the scene started to how it ended.

Yes, Cas intends to stay, but he’s going to stay with Dean as long as he can. He will protect him as well as he can. Now, the fate of the world doesn’t matter for him. He’s in Purgatory, so what can he do about it?

But the fate of one man? Maybe he can have a hand in saving that one man.

"I know we’re not mates, Kevin, but one word of advice. Run. Run far and run fast. Because the Winchesters, well, they have a habit of using people up and watching them die bloody.”

The camera shows us Dean, his reaction to these words. Bobby’s gone. Cas is gone. And this kid… Well, who can blame this kid for being scared?

“What’s that kid thinking?” “He thinks people I don’t need anymore, they end up dead.” “Dean, that that’s not true. You know that.”

Don’t “need”. Need. And, yes, this is a different kind of need because he did need Cas and Cas still ended up dead, as far as he knows.

Look, I have definitely felt that Cas was used up a lot by the Winchesters. So many times he had to remind them that he was at literal war and they didn’t care.

They were hard on him. They were patronizing to him. They called him only when they needed things and off-hand sort of offered help… but by that point it was far too late.

This doesn’t excuse Cas’ bonehead decisions in Season 6. He made those on his own. Both “the Winchesters were using Cas like a personal pan Angel” and “Castiel was being a fucking moron” can be true at the same time.

S8E05 -

“I don’t think it would work for me.” “You hear what he’s telling you, Dean? Your buddy is saying-.”

“Your buddy”. We’ve officially entered the stage where people finally start addressing Dean with the “your such and such” stuff.

“Listen to me you undead blood junkie, I’m the one with the mojo. I’m the one with the plan. Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

Dean is so determined that the plan will work. And this is so damn true to character that I could kiss him (platonically, on the cheek) for being who he is. Because that’s why we love Dean Winchester—he keeps at it even when it seems damn impossible.

But, yeah, he’s totally missing the point—Cas is trying to say goodbye.

“My life changed when she entered it, Dean. Everything I had been or done up to that point just… seemed to vanish into what we had become together. I mean, we found it, man.”

Why is this such a parallel for Castiel and Dean? In this version, Castiel and Benny are in the same position—two beings who had entire lives before they met the one they loved.

And from that point on, everything was different.

Dean changed Cas. And as the Vampires came for Benny, the Angels came for Cas. It’s so damn obvious if you just sit and listen.

“The Angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon.” “Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to?” “He is gonna get us killed.”

But just a moment later, Benny saves Cas from a Leviathan, and that secures Dean’s loyalty. Because, Benny knows that it would be easier for him and Dean to make it without Cas—but Dean’s not going anywhere without his Angel.

So, instead of letting the Leviathan magnet die, Benny saves him.

S8E06 -

“Well, I guess people change, don’t they?”

This is Dean talking about not killing Benny, and I think it’s important that Dean is on a journey of his own, here. It’s independent of Cas, and there’s nothing wrong with that. For so long, Dean was the one to “Kill first, talk later”.

He can’t be a static character, and I’m glad they explored this side of him, to be honest. I think he needed to see that he could be more than just what was expected of him.

But I think it’s important to remember that Dean is a creature of habit and that change isn’t as easy for him as it is for others. He’s slower to see the humanity in Benny, Meg, Crowley, Rowena, etc. He takes a while to catch up.

And it’s the same with his love for Cas. It’s going to take him longer to get there because it’s outside of what he expects of himself, of what he expects for his life, of who he thinks he’ll be.

For goodness sake, it isn’t until the Penultimate episode of the series, fresh off Castiel’s declaration of love that he sees himself as anything other than the killer he’s been “destined” to be. And Cas’ love did that.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

S8E07 -

MUSIC: “If it’s the last thing we ever do, we got to get out of this place. Girl, there’s a better life for you and me.”

I didn’t catch it the first time I watched the scene, but as I rewatched, I had to giggle a little at that music choice. And, yes, it was a choice.

This show is all about nostalgia when it comes to music because that’s a big part of Dean’s personality. Music takes him back to times when things were simpler. Sometimes they remind him of his Mom.

Dean isn’t expecting to see Cas on the side of the road as this particular line plays, but somebody made that choice, and we get to read into it. Yay!

Is it about getting out of Purgatory, Dean and Cas? That seems like the obvious read on it, right? And the end of the song is literally “Believe me, baby. I know it. You know it, too.”

So, Dean’s listening to a love song about getting away with your baby at the exact moment Cas first tries to connect with him from wherever he is.

“I was about to say you look like you’ve seen a ghost, but you’d probably be stoked. You okay?” “Yeah, I’m cool.”

His tone is so… resigned. Like, he has to be okay, because there’s no way he actually saw Castiel? Right!?

Until… he sees him again outside the window. And let’s address how insane their connection is that Sam never sees Cas during this weird in-between period of Cas trying to get through. It’s only Dean.

Plus, we know poor Castiel is probably undergoing his lobotomy about, now. So, does this mean he’s trying to reach out during the process? That he’s trying to escape? That some part of him knows something is wrong and he needs to get to Dean?

Dean closes the laptop and goes to the window, looking out. It wakes Sam.

“I just saw something." “Uh, you saw what?” “Cas."

Ackles is killing me with how softly he delivers a single syllable, how wistful and wishful.

“Cas? Where?” “Right there. And, and and earlier on the road. I feel like I’m seeing him.” “That’s not possible. I mean, you said it yourself. You made it out and he didn’t.” “I tried so damn hard to get us out of there.”

Us. There’s an us here.

“I know you did.” “You know, I could have pulled him out, I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.” {Dean walks away, and even when his brother approaches him, Dean’s eye go to the window, not Sam} “Dean. You did everything you could.” “Yeah, but why do I feel like crap?” “Survivors guilt?” “Hm.”

I mean, there’s also a far less hetero explanation, Sam, but I get why you’re not going there, yet.

“If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you. You’ve gotta walk past it.”

But Dean can’t. He’s stuck on this moment, on his failure, on his belief that he let Cas down.

“Dean, it’s a human portal. There’s no still proof that an angel can pass.” “Stow it, Cas. You’re coming. That’s final.” “I’m just saying {Cas puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. It stops them both} if it doesn’t work. Thank you for everything.” “Save the hallmark. Okay? It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

Or forgotten. I’m sorry, am I the only one who thought that because of Lilo & Stitch? Then, again, maybe I’m not the target demo for Supernatural at all and this is all a terrible, terrible mistake.

But the point here is that Cas is trying to prepare Dean for the ultimate failure because he’s afraid to tell Dean the truth. And even more afraid that Dean will get stuck in Purgatory trying to get him out.

“Hello, Dean.”

I started laughing so hard, which is so inappropriate. I mean, Cas just showed up in Dean’s reflection, over his shoulder as his little Angel. And all I can think about is Sam on the other side of this touching moment looking at nothing but Cas Ass.

Something’s seriously wrong with me.

But, once, again, as soon as Cas appears, he’s cropped out of the shots. This moment right here is for Dean and Cas.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to reach out, but for whatever reason I wasn’t at full power. So I couldn’t connect with you.” “That must have been why you kept seeing him. I mean, you think?” … “I’m dirty.” “Yeah, well, Purgatory will do that to you.”

Dean’s thrilled to have Castiel back, but alarm bells are going off in his head. He knows that there was only a human hatch outta Purgatory and Cas has zero memory of how he got here.

I don’t think he’s worried that Cas is something else—Demon, Shapeshifter, Leviathan—but he’s worried about Cas and what it means for all of them that he can’t remember how he got there.

Cas walks out of the bathroom, not only clean, but finally wearing his trademark Castiel costume fully for the first time since the first episodes of Season 7. He smiles as he presents himself, so damn proud.

And the audience gets to see Castiel settled as himself, again. He’s no longer grappling with the mental anguish he took on from Sam, but anyone who’s seen the series before knows the alarm bells going off in Dean’s head are warranted.

Ackles’ acting choice is baffling to me, though. I don’t mean it in a critical sense! I only mean to say that I have watched it over and over and there are so many interpretations that I’m struggling to land on one that resonates most with me.

It feels unsettled, to me, while others read it in a sexual manner. I can see it that way, but I’m going to go with Dean just being unsettled to see Cas shift so quickly from Purgatory putrid to squeaky-clean Angel.

They try to fall into a familiar rhythm, but even sitting in the car with Castiel behind him, Dean’s mind is on Purgatory.

"Cas, can I talk to you outside?” “What?” “Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out. We were there. It’s like you just gave up. It’s like you didn’t believe we could do it.”

There are are so many times where Dean is disappointed when Cas doesn’t appear to trust him. It devastates him every time, and I don’t think Cas even realizes it, yet.

“You kept saying that you didn’t think it would work. Did you not trust me?”

I swear, I forgot he said that, here. But, I guess it goes to show I was on the right track. Score one for Rachel!

“Dean-" “I did everything I could to get you out. Everything!” {Cas’ eyes narrow… he’s looking} I did not leave you.”

His abandonment issues are flaring here. He doesn’t want to do to others what he felt was done to him. He feels like he’s always been abandoned. and he would never do that to Cas.

Because when he and Cas went into Purgatory, he’d forgiven Cas. Cas actually helped him save the day. Cas came through despite his fears and self-doubt.

Dean believed in him and he was going to protect him, damnit, because Cas was family. And Ackles is doing a phenomenal job here of weaving his anger with anguish, his frustration with heartbreak.

It’s such a complicated character—one who has a vision of who he is supposed to be so carved into him that it rivals the Enochian sigil on his ribs. And, yet, he is so much more layered than he often allows himself to be.

And Ackles has the job of conveying that to us since we can’t see inside of Dean’s head. He’s really doing a lovely job here. I stop and rewind that line quite a bit because someone in that editing booth was smart enough to hang onto the shot long enough to let Ackles emote the shit out of it long after his lips stop moving.

“So you think this was your fault?”

Dean doesn’t like when Cas sees him like that… sees through him. It makes it so much harder for him to deflect and hide his emotions.

Cas smites the demon, but he’s worn, and Dean notices immediately. He rushes to the Angel and grips his shoulder.

“What the hell is going on? You’re not all the way back, are you?”

Dean is so much more aware of Castiel this season. Damn, I like this.

“It’s not working.” “Dean, I’m going in.” “Cas, no. You’re not strong enough.”

Dean is concerned. This is such a shift from last season where Dean was pushing, pushing, pushing at Cas to get him to do something despite him not being fully himself.

He just got Cas back, and he’s trying to protect him. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s that he can’t lose him, again, so suddenly.

But Cas goes in, anyway. And after he destroys the tablet, the door opens to reveal Dean. He rushes immediately to his Angel, gripping his shoulder to help him sit up. They hold each other’s gazes just long enough for Dean to confirm he’s okay.

“That was a bonehead move back there. You could have gotten yourself killed. Why didn’t you wait for me?” “Well, I didn’t get killed and it worked.” “And if it didn’t?” “It would have been my problem.”

Last season, Dean was telling Cas to clean up his mess. Well, Cas internalized that, it seems.

Also, Season 8 moves to them really speaking to one another more like equals. In Season 4 and even 5, Cas does a lot of talking down to Dean. Season 6 and 7, Dean does a lot of talking down to Cas.

In Season 8, there’s this evening of the plane between them that really shines in their few episodes together at the front half of the season.

“Well, that’s not the way I see it.” “Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility. Getting me out of purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.”

This is kinda sad, to see that Cas thinks of himself as a responsibility or obligation. But, it’s not entirely wrong for him to see that, especially considering how Dean talked about Sam during his wild, brothel-filled night out with Cas.

Dean does often feel like he’s responsible for everything. That’s why he hunts. He thinks he doesn’t deserve a quiet life as long as there are terrible things out there that will ruin the quiet lives of others.

“You didn’t get out. So, whose fault was it?” “It’s not about fault. It’s about will. Dean, do you really not remember?” “I lived it, Cas. Okay, I know what happened.” “No. You think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to.”

Every now and then we get a reminder that Castiel is a freaking Angel and he can see inside of Dean. He realizes that Dean’s memory is faulty, that he has false guilt, and he wants to lift it from him.

“Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about!"

And there it is. He cares about Cas. He feels like he failed Cas. And he hates to let down the ones he loves.

“I don’t need it.” “Dean, just look at it. Really look at it. {He shows Dean} See, it wasn’t that I was weak. I was stronger than you. I pulled away. Nothing you could have done would have saved me because I didn’t want to be saved.”

“I pulled away” is just insane, here. But, also, “I didn’t want to be saved”. What was it that Chuck said at the end of Season 5? That Dean didn’t want Cas to save him?

These two are so alike, and they just don’t see it. Always punishing themselves more than anyone else will ever punish them.

“What the hell are you talking about?” “It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance after the things I did on earth and in heaven, I didn’t deserve to be out and I saw that clearly while I was there. I, I planned to stay all along. I just didn’t know how to tell you. You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.”

There are tears in Dean’s eyes, and his lip starts to quiver. He’s upset. He’s heartbroken in a different way. He realizes how Cas punished himself.

Dean forgave him and wanted Cas to come with him, but Cas couldn’t forgive himself. That’s something else they share, now.

Everything Dean did in Hell… everything Cas did on Earth and in Heaven… they both have shame that digs so deep into who they are that they don’t think they deserve to be saved.

From “You can’t save everyone” to “You don’t think you deserve to be saved”.

They share this in a profound and horrible way that few other beings could. It’s another thread of connection between them that, oh, both would give anything for the other not to know such pain.

Dean clams up as soon as Sammy appears. All the vulnerability he was showing with Cas… it’s gone. And it’s not that Dean can’t be vulnerable with his brother, but that’s different. What he has with Cas is different from what he has with his brother.

Much as Dean tries to smash Cas into a “brother” box because it’s what he knows, we are to a point where their relationship is something else, and Dean doesn’t yet realize it.

“Just, uh, setting a few things straight.”

Because we’re not. What, that’s not what he said?

Dean looks to Cas and he’s still in that moment. He’s still there… he hasn’t released, yet, from what he just realized and saw.

“Yes, I’m with you. If that’s alright.”

Cas takes this right to Dean. He knows that Dean gets final say when it comes to him, and he knows that he just dropped a bombshell on his friend. So, he’s willing to do whatever Dean wants, here.

“It is, right? You two are good?” “Yeah.”

But Dean is pensive, still lost, still worried about Cas.

Look, we already know Heaven and Hell know about Destiel. Now Purgatory does, too, and I’m fairly certain Sammy here is in the know. I think the very last person to know is Dean, but that’s a story for much later in this Meta.

Also, this concludes Dean’s Season 8 Widower Arc. It gets worse every time he loses Cas, but this time is a tough one because he thinks he failed Cas.

He thinks he let him down. He thinks he left Cas in Purgatory despite all his best efforts. But the truth sets him free, to an extent.

S8E08 -

“What’s the word, Cas?” “It’s a shortened version of my name.”

Dean wags his head in the usual “Autistic Cas” moment way, and not the “Cas lost his marbles” way. It’s refreshing. It feels like we’re back.

“I mean what the word on the word. Any, uh, tablet chatter on Angel radio?” “Oh, I couldn’t say. I turned that off.” … “Why’d you flip the switch?” “Because it’s a direct link to Heaven, and I don’t want anything to do with that place. Not anymore.”

This is so heartbreaking. Cas is running from Heaven and staking his claim with the Winchesters. He wants to stay with them.

I mean, he literally said in Season 6 there were times he’d rather be on Earth with them rather than in Heaven. His allegiances and alliances have shifted so significantly.

“Wait, Cas. Cas. If you wanna play cowboys and bloodsuckers, that’s fine, but you’re gonna stick with us, okay? None of this zapping around crap. Capiche?” “Yeah, I capiche.”

Look, it’s another arc for Castiel, right? Later, we’ll see him hunt quite well on his own. But, he can’t start off an expert, especially with his learning curve with all things human.

At the hotel, the boys are working while Cas researches in his own way—watching cartoons. And, Castiel is sitting on a bed, again.

At this point, it just feels like an unnecessary middle finger, but it makes me laugh every time. Cas is gonna sit on the bed, damnit!

“I understand. The bird represents God and coyote is man endlessly chasing the divine yet never able to catch up to him. It’s hilarious.”

He plays it off, but we know he’s saying that because from Dean’s look, he’s not getting the message they’d hoped. Cas starts going through Dean’s bag, again, just looking at the various things.

And Dean never calls him on it. He never does. He just ignores it as the Angel explores and learns.

“Cas, you gonna book a room or what?” “No, I’ll stay here.” “Oh, okay, yeah. We’ll have a slumber party and braid Sam’s hair. Where are you gonna sleep?” “I don’t sleep.” “Okay, well I need my four hours so” “I’ll watch over you.” “That’s not gonna happen.”

Dean, you know that Castiel doesn’t sleep. You’re literally the one who mentioned it when he was Emmanuel, and when Cas was briefly human in Season 5 and you saw him sleeping, you and Sam discussed how Angels don’t sleep.

So, either this slipped past the writers or Dean conveniently forgot.

“Hey, can you lift this?”

Cas nearly rolls his eyes as he does, and Dean’s a little impressed, here, if he’s honest. Like, “My Angel is fit!” Am I right?

“Your father. Beautiful handwriting."

He is literally reading John Winchester’s journal. And Dean doesn’t seem surprised or whatever. He doesn’t seem to worry about boundaries with the Angel much, anymore, which is fascinating. There’s such a level of trust there.

Also, sitting on beds continues.

“How are you feeling Cas?” “I’m fine.” “Well, I just, I, I know that when I got puked out of purgatory it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs.”

Partly because you were mourning Cas, you big lug.

“I’m fine.” “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re back. I’m freaking thrilled. It’s just this whole mysterious resurrection thing. It always has one mother of a downside.”

Dean’s truly trying to watch out for Cas, here, for all of them. He knows that Cas is off because he knows Castiel well enough, now, to know what to look for. He honestly wants to help Cas while protecting them all from whatever other shoe might be about to drop.

{Cas closes the book and looks at him} “So, what do you want me to do?” “Maybe take a trip upstairs.” “To heaven?” “Yeah. Poke around. See if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out.” “No.” “Look man I hate those flying ass monkeys as much as you do but-” “Dean, I said no!”

It’s a rare moment of Castiel losing his cool in the midst of an otherwise non-confrontational conversation with Dean. And it’s definitely off.

So, Dean does the most human thing he can. He closes his laptop, walks away from work, and sits on the bed across from Cas, giving him his full attention.

This is such growth for Dean, here. He is investing in Cas. Not because of what Cas can do for him or help him with, but because he cares about Cas. We’ve crossed into a new state of being for them as a unit—one with mutual respect.

It was a long time coming, and it’s probably why some of their Season 8 scenes are among my favorite Destiel scenes ever, this one included.

“Talk to me.” “Dean, I-”

Cas sets down the journal, squares up with Dean so they’re facing one another, and finally looks him in the eye.

“When I was bad and I had all those things the leviathans writhing inside of me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I, I can’t go back.” “Cause if you do the angels will kill you.” “Because if I see what heaven’s become, what I… what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

For Cas to admit something like this is huge. He’s a being that’s been around since almost the beginning of time, but in addition to wanting to leave himself in a dimension where he was constantly hunted, he now is struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The impact of Cas’ words hit Dean just as Sam walks in. Dean tries to stay focused on Cas, but Cas is eager for the out and he gets up, breaking the moment.

“You go Invisible Girl and keep an eye on him, you hear me?”

This is fascinating to me, because Dean is essentially telling Cas to spy, the very thing he did that got him in trouble back in Season 6 and gave him away when he was working with Crowley.

It’s no longer touchy or concerning to Dean. It’s a skill Cas has that they are going to use… and rarely use, again.

“Cas, you get to ride shotgun. You done good.”

And, gosh, Cas wants that. He wants to be with Dean and Sam and keep going. But Naomi holds him back.

S8E10 -

“Damn it, Cas. How many times I gotta tell you, it’s just creepy.” "Dean, I need your help. The angel Samandriel, he’s been taken." … “So, who snatched Heaven’s most adorable angel?”

Are you trying to make Cas jealous, Dean? Also, I think it’s funny how Dean can never sleep through Cas watching him. Honestly, Cas wants Dean to wake so they can talk.

“Yes, which is why I need your help. It seems this is gonna involve, talking to people.” “Come on, Cas, I thought you were a hunter, now.” “Well, I thought so, too, but, it seems I lack a certain-“ “Skill? {slams porn shut} You saw nothing.”

Why the sudden embarrassment, Dean? Two seasons ago, Cas was watching porn in the hotel room and you were annoyed with him, but not embarrassed by it. I mean, you were the one to comment on his boner!

Cas politely looks away as Dean reopens the laptop. He quickly exits out of the porn and get to work.

But I find the shift in sex from a go-to joke or moment of levity to taboo between them fascinating.

Yes, I know I’m over-using that word. But I’m writing this Meta in between a bunch of real world ridiculousness, so I’m not gonna be too hard on me for ignoring the Thesaurus.

“All right. What am I looking for?”

PAUSE: This is huge. I mean, all of Season 6 Cas tried to tell them he was at war and they treated him like shit. Now, Cas comes with a need and Dean wants to help. That is growth.

“Hey, what do you say this doesn’t pan out we head back to that beer-and-bacon Happy Hour about a mile back, huh?”

Aww. Cas doesn’t eat, but Dean wants to, like, hang out and eat with him. That’s more growth!

“And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?”

Forceful Cas is back! I love forceful Cas! Because sometimes he gets so puppy-eyed in later seasons that we forget he’s a badass warrior Angel.

“After killing so many, I need to save at least this one.”

He looks to Dean. Dean gets it, now, Cas’ mindset. And he was the one to meet Samandriel and know they were friends.

“Cas, go.”

Okay, mad creative use of the Angel Swoop, here. Instead of the camera swooping to reveal Cas, it swoops out with Dean’s outstretched hand to reveal the angels are gone. That’s some mighty neat directing, there!

Naomi orders Cas to kill Samandriel, his friend, and he does it almost without question. There’s no real hesitation. He echoes what Naomi tells him to say, but Dean and Sam both know something’s really wrong.

Also, him taking the body up to Heaven after saying he wanted nothing to do with Heaven a few episodes ago is wild. So, yeah, the Winchesters are right to wonder what the fuck is up with their friend.

It will be seven episodes before we see Cas, again. Seven episodes apart from him. Guest actor work is wild.

S8E13 -

“Anything from Cas?” “No, not, not a peep. Why, you?” “No, He’s, uh, he’s not answering.”

Dean’s the one to bring him up. After a year of chasing him down in Purgatory only to lose him at the last minute, he’s eager to keep an eye on the guy.

S8E14 -

“I’ll tell you what I do know. It’s that I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. Cause that’s what I have waiting for me. That’s all I have waiting for me."

Ehh… you’ll have friends. Family. And an Angel waiting for you, my boy. But, that’s a while off, yet.

“I want you to get out. I want you to have a life, become a man of letters, whatever. You with a wife, and kids, and, and grandkids. Living til you’re fat and bald and chugging viagra. That’s my perfect ending and it’s the only one that I’m gonna get. So I’m gonna do these trials. I’m gonna do them alone, end of story. You’re staying here. I’m going out there.”

He doesn’t know how right he is about that future. I know including this isn’t very “Destiel” of me, but I think it’s important to see where Dean is mentally apart from Cas.

“I believe in you, Dean, so please, please, believe in me, too.”

Belief is powerful, and that’s something that this show really addresses over and over. It’s not about faith in any specific thing. It’s about faith in something and someone. And Dean’s faith is shakier than anyone’s in anything.

It’s just good to remember that every so often.

S8E16 -

“So, no word from Cas. Kevin’s taking his sweet little time. And you’re acting cagey.”

Again, Dean’s the one to bring up Cas. He’s thinking a lot about his Angel.

“Cas, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for praying. Cause in my books it’s, it’s the same as begging. But this is about Sam so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind, and I don’t know what’s ahead. Or what it’s gonna bring for sam. Now he’s covering pretty good but I know that he is hurting and this one was supposed to be on me. So for all that we’ve been through, I’m asking you… you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay? {Looks for him} Where the hell are you, man?”

This is the most earnestly we’ve seen Dean pray to Cas. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful, but layered with trust and truth. He’s worried about his brother and he’s asking Castiel to be the one to take care of him, to watch out for him.

This is Dean’s mission in life—protect Sammy. And he’s asking Cas to join him in. I mean, that’s huge. Some people bring a new adult into their kid’s life, and I know that’s a big move of trust. I’ve lived it as that kid.

Dean is demonstrating that trust he still has in Cas despite his shady behavior this season. He believes Cas will do this for him… if only he’ll answer.

S8E17-

This opener is so fucking creepy and I love it. Castiel being conditioned to kill Dean Winchester. And it doesn’t take a handful or a dozen of dummies for Naomi to be satisfied with Castiel’s brainwashing.

No, as we pull out we see hundreds and hundreds of Dean Winchesters slain by Castiel’s hand. Over and over she taught him to murder him, to end him, to destroy him.

The path to Hell might be lined with good intentions, but the floors of Heaven are lined with dead bodies. Gee wiz!

“How about you answer some questions, first, like where the hell have you been?” “You heard me, didn’t you.” “You prayed to him? “Yes, I heard you.”

This hurts. Because prayer is a sign of faith, and to know that Cas heard him and didn't answer hurts like hell. And Dean should know!

“Well, he puts the ’ass’ in ’Cas’, huh?”

No. Dean. Because Castiel has one S in his name, but we’ll let it slide because that Angel’s in love with you enough not to correct you.

“He’s definitely off." “Off? He hasn’t been right since he got back from Purgatory and we will don’t know how he got out of there.” “I don’t know, Dean, if he’s so sketchy then why were you praying to him?” “You know I can hear you both. I am a celestial being.”

This is one thing that really makes me laugh, sometimes. I mean, there are times I think the show forgets Cas is a celestial being, too, but these two really underestimate him and his powers.

But, Dean is so right to be suspicious and worried. It just goes to show how much better he knows Cas, now. He can tell when Cas is himself and when something else is going on.

“You really think we can trust Meg-stiel.”

Also, don’t think I haven’t missed the hilarity of Ackles being the one chosen to deliver this line. The popularity of combining the names of characters to form ship names originated with Soap Operas, and our dear Texas prince, here, was quite the Soap star back in the day. So, that gave me an extra giggle.

“You haven’t been fine since the first trial. That’s why I called Cas.” … “Dean, I’m telling you, I’m okay.” “No, you’re not. Sam… you’re damaged in ways even I can’t heal. Dean’s right. You should stay here and protect Meg.”

And I’m one of those who thinks Cas did have a genuine connection with Meg. Now, we all know he’s doing this mostly because Naomi wants to keep Cas close to the tablet, no matter what. But I don’t mind Meg-stiel.

It’s not my Ship, but it’s a good ship. And the brief stint of Meg and Dean sharing Cas will forever make me smile.

“I can’t let you take that, Dean.” “Can’t? Or won’t?” “Both.” “How did you get out of Purgatory, Cas?”

Dean sees an opportunity, and he’s leaping for it. He’s going to use the leverage he thinks he has to get answers, damnit.

BACK IN HEAVEN: There has to be another way., You have done this a thousand times, Castiel. You’re ready. Kill him. Then take the tablet and bring it home where it belongs.

"Just tell me how you got out of purgatory. Be honest with me. For the first time since you’ve been back, and this is yours. ... Cas. Cas, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you’re I there and you can hear me, you don’t have to do this. Cas!"

BACK IN HEAVEN: This isn’t right. … I won’t hurt Dean., Yes, you will. You are.

“Cas, fight this. This is not you. Fight it!”

This strikes me so hard. Dean is fully aware that this is not Cas, that Cas would never do this. Yes, Cas beat the shit out of him in Season 6, but there was a reason behind that that Dean understood.

This blind abuse without emotion? That’s not Cas.

Cas feels. He has too much heart. This is passionless, emotionless, and very much like a Terminator executing a kill order.

And Dean believes Cas can fight this. That’s what strikes me about Season 8—Dean has such faith in Cas.

BACK IN HEAVEN: {Cas is holding his head. This is killing him.} “What have you done to me?” “Just relax, Castiel, let your vessel do what you know deep down is the right thing.”

This strikes me, taking me back to Dean whipping Cas around in that Burger & Beer room back in Season 4, saying that the angel knew the difference between right and wrong.

Naomi has no idea how deep Dean is in Castiel’s veins, in his mind, in the Angelic equivalent of a heart. His protests begin to bleed out, the connection wearing thinner as he starts to speak aloud on Earth.

“What have you done to me, Naomi?” “Who’s Naomi?”

Dean was right. Something is wrong, and he can see Cas fighting it. He’s doing it. He’s trying to fucking fight, which is what Dean always asks Cas to do.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “What have I done to you? Do you have any idea what it’s like out there. There’s blood everywhere and it’s on your hands. After everything you did to us, to heaven, I fixed you, Castiel. I fixed you.”

Season 7 Castiel lamented that he couldn’t “fix” things. Season 6 Castiel “fixed” what he could by saving Lisa. Season 8 Castiel was “fixed” by Naomi. It comes back around and around, again, but so much is still broken.

“You want it? Take it. But you’re gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it. Do it!”

This harkens back to the fight in Season 5 when Dean was bloodied on the ground in the alley. He told Castiel to finish it off, and that is when Castiel stopped before. He stopped before when Dean goaded him, encouraged him, egged him on.

Will it be enough this time?

BACK IN HEAVEN: “Please." “End this Castiel.”

He pleads for mercy. He begs.

On Earth, Dean reaches for Cas free hand, grabbing his arm. Castiel doesn’t shrug it off. He’s in a trance, but you can tell he’s still aware of Dean. Dean knows it, too.

So Dean tries what he can to break through.

“Cas, this isn’t you. This isn’t you. Cas. Cas.”

Cas raises his weapon to deliver a final blow, but he pauses. He stalls. His arm hovers in the air, somewhere between the connection.

“I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas. It’s me. We’re family. We need you. I need you.”

The last time he said this was in Purgatory, and oh how it nearly destroyed Cas then. Because Cas knows by now that he needs Dean. But here, it’s somehow even more personal.

Because Dean starts with the bigger picture and brings it smaller. He starts with “we”—me and Sammy. But then, it becomes more intimate.

It’s about you and me, Cas. It’s about us. I need you.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “You have to choose, Castiel. Us or them.”

That’s all it takes for Cas to know his choice. Despite the connection still being open, the weapon tumbles from his hand. He releases Dean, and the wounded human falls back as Cas reaches for the tablet.

The second he connects with the tablet, something Angelic happens, and the thinning connection snaps.

Because the tightly braided cord between him and Dean is strong and resilient. When asked to choose between the two, there wasn’t a chance in Hell he was choosing Heaven.

Dean’s love for Cas broke through. Now, is it romantic love at this point? I don’t know that I’d call it that, personally. But it is love.

Cas realizes what he’s done to Dean, and rather than wave a hand over his face or touch a finger to his forehead, Cas reaches out with his open hand to cup Dean’s face. It’s intimate. It’s personal. It’s purposeful.

There’s healing in the touch, of course, but there’s also love. And for Cas… yes, yes I think he’s at least beginning to realize the depths of his love for Dean Winchester.

Dean’s fear before the healing sets in is palpable, his voice breaking as he repeats Cas’ name. He grips Cas’ sleeve in anticipation of the pain, then his fingers falter as the restoration settles over him, instead.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” “What the hell just happened?”

Yeah, yeah. You’re about to get an earful, my friend.

“So this Naomi has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory.” “Yeah.” “Well, what broke the connection?”

The tablet finished the job, but the connection was already breaking. Because of love. Dean Winchester’s love for Cas broke through. Again, I don’t think it’s romantic on his end, yet, but for Castiel, that shift has been in motion for a while.

So, when Dean speaks honestly for love, it connected with the love in Cas for him. It was strong enough to send the weapon tumbling from his hands, to allow our Cas to break through enough to quirk an eyebrow of curiosity as he reached for the tablet.

The subtlety in that little bit of performing is phenomenal because I had to really look to be sure I wasn't imaging it. The tablet set him free, yes, but I fully believe it was only because the link to Naomi was already fraying and failing because of Dean.

“So, what happened? I mean, Cas touched the tablet and it reset to him his factory settings or something?” “I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that he is off the reservation with a, a heavenly WMD. Listen, man, I can’t take anymore lies from anyone.”

Oh, Dean. He wasn’t trying to lie this time. He was literally lobotomized and he told you so.

Maybe you’ll give him a little more grace on this one because, y’know, he was programmed to fucking kill you and your love for him broke through enough to stop him.

On another note: "Goodbye Stranger" is such a fucking banger. Yes, I know it came out before I was born (1984), but my mother hated the music of the 80’s and 90’s so I grew up on 50’s-70’s music.

Like, I was sitting here singing along at the end. I'm so ridiculous—a walking musical jukebox of a human.

S8E18 -

“I’m fine. Are you okay?” “Me?” “Yeah, Cas dinged you up pretty good.” “And? “And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” “What, like my feelings?” “If that’s what you want to talk about, sure.”

Sam meant his feelings the whole time. Dean’s had the shit beat out of him by Cas before, but this is different. Dean knew something was off about Cas, and he was right.

In the end, Cas took off. And, no, Dean doesn’t understand everything that Cas has been through. But, to be fair, Cas hasn’t exactly clued Dean in on much beyond that brief conversation.

Cas and Dean fight and it fucks with Dean, and Sam knows that. He's trying to give his brother space to talk it out and feel what he’s feeling, but Dean’s so damn repressed he deflects to some bullshit and Sam understandably gives up.

S8E19 -

“See, I don’t trust angels, which means I don’t trust you.” “And yet you haven’t warded this place against us.”

Damn. HBIC out here spitting truth.

But I completely understand how Dean has one Angel—one—that he trusts. Even despite all this bullshit right now, he is still trusting in Cas enough to leave the door open to him.

I only wish Cas knew that. Yes, Castiel is doing what he can to protect the tablet. But, he's gotta learn at some point that it’s better when he works with the Winchester boys.

Yes, I know this is a huge character flaw of both Dean and Cas. They both think they know what's best, go off half-cocked and do make some asinine deal or decision, then spend half a season mad the other one was the one to fuck up this time and not them.

"I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.”

You fucker. Look at the pain on Dean’s face. He doesn’t want Cas to let him down. He wants Cas to come back and explain himself and let them help.

“I know you don’t want to believe it, Dean, but we’re on the same side, shutting the gates of hell, bringing Castiel in from the cold. Take a moment. Think about what I’ve said.”

And here she is planting the seeds of her own destruction.

Everything she has done to Cas has been wrong, so it’s no wonder he’s later duped by Metatron into trying once again to “fix” things.

Again, consistent character flaw. But, it's so refreshing when Cas at last steps away from Heaven and lets them fuck things up on their own without him, for a change.

S8E20 -

“What about, uh, Castiel? He seems helpful and dreamy.”

We know Cas isn’t Charlie’s type, but she still calls him “dreamy”, so whose type is he? Yes, we all know it’s Dean.

And, side note, autocorrect tried to change the above to “whose top is he” and I very nearly left it in.

Just so you know, Autocorrect knows what's up with Destiel and it ain’t platonic or brotherly!

S8E21 -

I’m innocently watching the screen and a name flashes up. Directed by Robert Duncan McNeil!?! One of my favorite television directors of all time!?

No, I am not kidding. He has a certain style to his directing that allows the camera to become a character in this really beautiful way.

I caught a Chuck episode years back and told Matt it felt like it was directed by Robert Duncan McNeil. Looked it up later to find out I was right.

Anyway, I absolutely adore Castiel’s intelligence and how he evades the Angels. One of the things we forget about Cas too often is that he is incredibly intelligent.

It’s something the Winchesters don’t really appreciate because it rarely helps them. But in this scenario, Castiel’s intellect is helping him evade the evil. At least, until they figure out what will make him stop—that big damn heart of his.

“How many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?” “Frankly, too damn many. You’re the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told, not completely. You don’t even die right, do you?”

Our Angel is the only one like him. No wonder he fell in love with one of Chuck’s favorite human siblings. Dean and Sam do things differently, which is why Chuck has so much fun with them.

And he has to keep bringing back the Angel because he thinks it’ll help keep Dean on the path he’s writing for him. But I like knowing Cas is our Cas just as Dean is our Dean.

In all the Universes, none are like them. And they found each other.

“In the words of a… good friend, Bite me.”

Holy shit this whole thing is a mood. I mean, the pause is killing me. The eyebrow raise is killing me. The emphasis on “good friend” is killing me.

Collins, you know I’d like to live, right!? Because, you are killing me, here.

I mean, the most famous gay eyebrow raises may be Michael Sheen as Aziraphale in Series 2 of Good Omens, but this might be second in line because gee wiz that was insane!

Also, Cas hid the thing inside himself!? Yo, I’m having a real Fifth Element moment, here.

Then, Castiel literally pulls a bullet from his stomach and uses it to kill a fellow Angel.

There are times we forget how badass Cas can be. Yes, he’s good for a side-eye with his lack of Pop Culture knowledge, but he’s also a warrior Angel who’s intelligent and cunning and resourceful.

Later, Dean’s driving. And he knows before he stops who he’s spied in the road.

S8E22 -

In the bunker, Cas tries to be conversational, but Dean is pissed. He’s more pissed than he was during the whole Godstiel thing.

Because as Dean’s feelings deepen, so does the impact of Cas letting him down.

“Dean, I can go with you. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Dean finally looks to Cas.

“For what?” “For everything.” “Everything. Like, uh, like ignoring us?” “Yes.” “Or like bolting off with the angel tablet and losing it ’cause you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me., Yes., Yeah. Nah that’s not gonna cut it. Not this time. So you can take your little apology and you can cram it up your ass.”

Oh, yeah, Dean is real mad. But he is also hurt. I mean, look at his face. His words are mean and tough, but he’s got tears in his eyes and there’s so much pain there.

After everything they have been through. After how hard he fought to save Cas in Purgatory. After all of that, Cas didn’t trust him. Damn.

“Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.” “Yeah, you always do.”

The dramatic push-ins on this very personal conversation are interrupted by Sam clearing his throat. And, seriously, it feels like he’s in the middle of a couple’s spat and wants out.

“Dude, go easy on Cas, okay, he’s one of the good guys.” “Dude, if anybody else, I mean anybody pulled that kind of crap I would stab them in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?” “Because it’s Cas.”

First off, those are a lot of “Dudes” in one exchange. But, also, we’re still in a phase where Sam is more attached to friends, in general, than Dean, so he’s the one going to bat for Cas, here.

Meanwhile, Cas goes shopping for Dean because he wants to do something for him. He can’t fix it, so he’s going to try to do something in its stead.

Gosh, this is reminding me of my husband, again. I’m Dean—and it should probably terrify me that I have so much in common with the traumatized, abused, anger-management-issues-on-steroids guy, but here we are—and Matthew is Cas. He’ll always try to do something for me when he can’t fix whatever is wrong in my life.

S8E23 -

“Dean, I need your help.” “I’m a little busy, Cas. Take a number.” “I’m afraid this can’t wait. Naomi has taken Metatron.” “And you know Metatron how?” “I’ve been working with him on the Angel Trials.”

Okay, here’s the thing. Mad as Dean has been at Cas, Castiel levels with him here and brings him up to speed.

“I can’t fail, Dean, not on this one. I need your help.” “Look, Cas, that’s all well and good, but you’re asking me to leave Sam… Now if anyone needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s Sam.”

And that’s all you need to know. Sammy will always come first for Dean. But, at the same time, he doesn’t seem as angry now that Dean has laid it all out.

Before, he was angry at Cas for not coming to him, for not trusting him. Welp, you got what you asked for, Dean. He’s here, and he’s asking for your help.

“You really think it’s wise to be drinking on the job?”

I love how Dean wordlessly passes the beer to Cas. There’s a lot less tension here than earlier. I think Cas finally coming to Dean and asking for help got through.

“What show have you been watching? Talk to me.”

I love this coming back. He’s reaching for Cas and waiting for Cas to reach back. It’s tugging at the cord between them to get a response, and even if neither realizes it, it strengthens the bond each time the other demonstrates trust.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, it’s one thing me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you, you’re boarding up heaven. And you’re locking the door behind you.” “Yeah, I know.”

Cas sips the beer. It’s the motion that is so human, because we know the alcohol itself will have little impact on him, and probably doesn’t even taste the same to him as a human.

But, they’re falling into a rhythm that will later become quite familiar. It’s refreshing after the stress of most of the season.

And, to be clear, I’m not against conflict and antagonism and miscommunications. A show would be dead without it. Nothing would ever happen and we’d all just be watching sheep graze for hours on end.

But I think a lot of shows lose sight of the importance of taking a breath every now and again. Yes, we’re fighting for something and it’s brutal and it’s exhausting and it’s stressful.

But you have to stop to breathe every so often to remind us why we’re fighting and what we’re fighting for.

We’re fighting for those kids on the swing sets that Dean and Cas watched together at the park in Season 4. We’re fighting for families and friends. We’re fighting for nights out drinking with the besties and movie nights cuddling with your special someone.

That is what we’re fighting for.

“You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they’re just gonna let that slide.” "Do you mean, do I think they’ll kill me? Yeah, they might.” “So, this is it. E.T. Goes home.”

It strikes me how different this is from their last “last night” together. They’re in a different place, now, and Dean’s done trying to get Cas laid. Instead, they’re sitting quietly together waiting for their next move.

Another thing that strikes me is how adoringly Dean looks to Cas on that last line, only to realize his reference is, once again, not understood. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-it thing that I very well may have hallucinated. But, it’s there.

Later, Naomi corners Cas and Dean. And if she hadn’t been such a fucking bitch all season, she might have gotten through to Cas. It strikes me how Cas goes to attack Naomi, and Dean grabs his arm.

We all know Cas is strong enough to shrug Dean’s hold off with ease. But, he lets Dean stop him. Because he does trust him.

But it’s not enough. Metatron wins in the end.

Survive all that and still want more? Part III for your enjoyment! Thanks for reading!!