#It's open to whatever interpretation fits the best for the vibes you bring into the fic

[mattress-ing]

Speaking of Armor best used, when in the story would you say that Ren fell in love with Martyn? Or when did he realise at least? I was rereading recently and I was trying to figure it out through Martyn's eyes

got me rereading my own fic as homework

TLDR: He's always been attracted, but in my opinion he realizes that it's love a little over halfway through chapter seven

This is going to be a long one, whoops

He's sort of attracted to Martyn from the get go. in a 'there's an attractive man taking care of me to a degree and hey that's pretty alright in my books'. Nothing that he considers "worth" acting on for the chance that he gets betrayed, but also not nothing.

I think he accepts his attraction/attachment, though doesn't really have a name for them when he gives the speech about "then let me spend my days happily in a cage" All he knows is he feels safe around Martyn and wants to keep that in his life as long as possible. (And when Martyn sort of pulls back at the end of that conversation he takes that as 'this is as far as our relationship goes')

The bit at the end of chapter four is when he realizes it's too late to try and guard himself from his attachment to Martyn, when he realizes that it's probably going to kill him in the end.

In the beginning of chapter 5 we get of him having accepted how attached he is, and the only time he's maybe thinking of trying to bring it up with Martyn, ("We can win this") and then his first death happens and he realizes that they can't do that. (jumping to the conclusion as well that it would hurt more to have and lose than to never have)

From there we have his emotional retreat in some ways and his getting closer in other ways. love vs loyalty (and as much as I want the beheading scene to be a little romantic I think that whole segment was just pure fear and then relief on his end) (In Ren's pre-death-flashback he calls him his greatest love, but at that point he means it in a war-buddies kind of way. Still love, still super intense love, but not romantic quite yet, though that's absolutely what's influencing how quickly he gets to that point) And at that point his attachment is now directly attached to his safety. Because he has other allies but no one is as fierce or trustworthy as Martyn.

I'd say it's when Martyn goes into the Grian and Scar's house and it blows up, is probably when he realizes what his feelings are because the next bit of "I love them... I fight for you" was 100% his confession. (But since Martyn's no longer in danger he figures there really isn't the need for a "real" confession) I think it's that conversation, where he realizes that he would die for Martyn but probably not the rest of Dogwarts is when he goes 'hang on, that's kinda gay'

The whole time he's very much struggling with weighing his attraction/love against the game they're in, because as much as he can talk the talk I think he was still very afraid of dying or worse dying from betrayal.

He does a lot of half confessions because of this, where he wants badly to tell Martyn how he feels but the betrayal side of the scale is still the heavier one, and makes him think twice.

His speech in the afterlife, is sort of him making au's of the fic. If he knew what he knows now he would have let himself have his guard down sooner, and would have let himself fall in love sooner.

Idk, this is all kind of speculation even as the writer. I didn't plan on having love confessions in the fic at all until I was writing the end and realized they needed it. I think the only reason it fit was because they kind of speedran a lot of intense emotions over the span of the war game, but that also means that any point of the fic his pov could be him in love or him terrified of dying :)

[odessa-2]

Titbits and analysis 🖖

As promised, some more titbits from the Con yesterday in Melbourne as well as my interpretations. Prior to attending yesterday, I told myself to keep an open mind and attempt to leave any biases behind (even after having seen the funeral pics). Clean slate. To try and view Sam, the event, questions, and subsequent behaviours objectively.

I'm the sort of person who feels energy and is affected by it and in some ways governed by it. The energy of people, both individually and collectively. The energy of a group. I tend to couple this with objective analysis, which forms the basis of my conclusions about people and situations.

I applied this method yesterday in attempting to understand and view Sam, the OL money 💰 machine and everything else. I also just wanted to go there and bask in the audience and enjoy myself....and....I did like it Jamie.

So first thing I noticed off the cuff was how experienced Sam was in handling questions, and the women, and tailoring his behaviour to suit their desires. He was charming, charismatic, approachable, a skilled professional. I saw the veneer. I felt the veneer. I also saw and felt that he is a pretty decent bloke under that veneer. A man with a solid work ethic, who is mild mannered and working with purpose in his life.

I observed that his handler or Convention agent or whatever he is, Steve, was in full control. He managed Sam's performance in a sense. He asked the questions and even set the directions for some answers. Sam is controlled. I didn't like Steve. I didn't get the best vibe off him. Infact, I got a bad vibe off him. I observed that everything was a performance. Scripted to a large degree. The Single Sam narrative was pushed by Steve. Hard. It was a performance. That much was clear to me.

So Sam chose to mention that he was in Austria skiing 2 weeks ago....blah blah...something about singing a Ronan Keating song. So the script tells everyone nice and early that he is NOT with Caitriona ✅️

Later on in the panel, he mentioned that he "was at the theatre in London the week earlier" watching a play. Huh? Getting his timeline confused? Interesting titbit, I thought. Who would he go to the theatre with whilst in London? Who else likes to go to the theatre? Who have we seen him go to the theatre with before? Ding ding ding!!

One of the first things he spoke about (umprompted) and imo was part of his speaking program, was that Caitriona is back home in Scotland doing prep work and will be directing this season. He said that he spoke to her recently and that she is cold and miserable back home. No one seemed to give a shit. The women were there for their Jamie. Sam read the crowd. He understood.

Sam tried to bring Cait into the conversation again saying something like "Where's Claire?....Caitriona isn't here". Again crickets from the audience.

He said that he auditioned with a lot of Claire's, but they couldn't find the right fit and that nobody was as brilliant as Caitriona.

It sounded like he genuinely missed her.

He spoke of his audition with Cait, saying they were very physical and were almost wrestling each other. He said he was sweating all over her and that his sweat was on her. The crowd still only wanted to hear about their Jamie. I think Sam relished in being cheeky in saying that she wore his sweat that day.

Someone asked about "how do you kiss and make out with a costar and then just carry-on. Isn't it awkward"? Sam responded generally initially, saying that there's lots of checking in with the person and apologising afterwards (in a joking fashion). Then that prompted him to start talking about Cait saying that he has also "snotted" all over Cait and exchanged many body fluids with her (in an acting context presumably)and that there's nothing really left to do together that they haven't already done. I was like "whoooaa wtf Sam?". Shooketh that he said that really. The silence from the crowd was palpable. They really didn't want to hear about Cait and Sam and their shared bodily fluids whilst 'acting'. He is THEIR fantasy man. Not Caitriona's. Silence from the audience. Sam already knew that the crowd were Sam onlies but he loved telling this story. Relished in it imo. He loved the double entendre. It was an unrehearsed, unscripted conversation as it resulted from an audience question. I concluded it was an act of defiance on his behalf. That's what it felt like to me.

Steve the convention agent guy, was always bringing it back to Single Sam. "I worry how are you going to get a date" said Steve. With Sam understanding the prompt ...."I worry too" says Sam. Bachelor narrative secured ✅️

Steve spruked the Bachelor narrative again to Sam's thirsty and adoring fans....."Sam you remind me of that old show where everyone has to guess which bachelor is going to come out of the mystery door". And that's when I knew with 100 percent certainty that the bachelor talk was a ruse. It was so contrived and performative. I smiled to myself. The women in the crowd were eating it up.

Another thing that stood out to me was when Sam was searching for the right terminology when talking about Cait. "My......co star" huge pause.

"I love you Claire" is the line he randomly chose to say when explaining his acting.

When asked how he has time to foster friendships and spend time with his family he talked around it. Avoided the question and kept it about his friendships saying that they are strong friendships that endure. He diverged and started talking about how he still has his core friendships that he had when he was bunking and sharing an apartment/house with them in London when he was younger. The veneer was up. Inpenetrable.

At another point in the panel Sam asked "How many Sheila's are there here"? LOL. I found that amusing.

Now this next part captured my attention the most. It had a weird feeling (energy) around it . Sam gave off a weird energy. Almost hostile. Again that's just what I felt.

Someome from the audience named Toni with an "I" was selected to ask a question. I can't remember what the question was but Sam made a really big deal about her being named Toni. "There's always a Tony have you noticed"? Why is there always a Tony"? He said. He didn't want to drop it. He placed a little too much emphasis on it. I was laughing silently but Sam's double entendre didn't go unnoticed by me. Everyone else was clueless or at least that's how it appeared to me. Was that an Easter egg dropped by Sammy?

Asked about what does he do for self care, he seemed to struggle answering that too. He talked in circles about his way points hike and how he's learning how to live in the moment. There's that wall again.

There were many other things discussed of course but I thought I'd focus on the things that shed light on his situation and that resonated with me.

So my closing Analysis? Sam is controlled. He peforms. He caters. He's intelligent and in tune with people and aims to please but is private. Sunday just reaffirmed and solidified my beliefs. Caitriona snatched up that hard working gem of a man quick smart!

[miami2k17]

hi! how is it going? you said that your gsect epiphany was connected with my sister lover which is of course super cool and valid

but I think it is lock all the doors that spilled all the tea. like I even tried to interpret it in another way, like it is about some girl or whatever

it doesn't fit at all. ok, maybe some girl noel used to love might have had a star shaped tambo, but what all this "forbidden feeling vibe" for? like chill man no one is going to condemn or kill you if they found out that you are having sex with your gf lmao

long story short I really want you to elaborate on this issue. thanks xx

bestieee ive been saving this one for whenever i had the time and now im stuck in the house cuz miss rona finally got me soo 😚

lock all the doors is super interesting! its a song that's been with him for a very long time and one that, at least in its most recent iteration, he likes enough to at least put it on his best of comp.

i think where u gotta start with this ✋🤨 is to look at the original demo from 1992 (or 93? ive seen people say both. either way very very early oasis.) that originally sat unused until 96 or 97 when noel took p much everything but the chorus, wrote the monstrosity that is my sister lover around it, and set that loose into the world. lock all the doors was the same situation but opposite parts and 20 years later. BUT if you ignore my sister lover existing for a second. ik it's hard but hear me out. i think the original lock all the doors was incredibly revealing just as it was. before he wrote the absolutely ham handed chorus that is "you're my lover, i'm your brother", the 2 parts meshed together really well in that original demo i think. they have a very similar vibe abt like. something secret! about not wanting to be discovered. "you never notice you are blind/the dream i have can never be" v similar vibe of not wanting to be seen/noticed, or having something that must be kept secret, and knowing it will only ever be this way, you can't ever have more. and then the lock all the doors chorus brings that theme of like. escapism and running from everyone's view to be alone together in hiding. i think they fit super well together.

but anyways this aint about the demo or my sister lover and i kno ppl have discussed those to death there's really nothing else to be said about my sister lover besides. god what an incredibly bizarre song. i want to force him to acknowledge it at least once and explain. it's like a personal fantasy. anyways

lock all the doors (2015 ☝️😐) is very inchersting cuz why would he be taking lyrics about that feeling of being with someone and having to hide it away or keep it secret and reworking them to release so many years after that time had passed? i know he'll still release a song if it's good even if it's about something that isnt really relevant anymore but this one is weird because he clearly wrote new and Liam Centric lyrics just for it, that many years afterward,

like OBVIOUSLY we all kno "she wore a star shaped tambourine/prettiest girl i'd ever seen", it haunts me every waking moment, rent free etc etc. noel taking a song he wrote the chorus for when liam actually had that tambourine, and then writing that version of liam into the song like 22 years later im SICK. i do not need to mention just how many times noel made jokes about liam being a girl, wishing liam was a girl, wishing he had a sister instead. not even gonna get into that cuz that is its entire own insanity deep dive. but 🤔 makes u think !

"i tried to catch her every night/dancing on the road in her candlelight/but i can't seem to reach her anymore" babeee ur longing and loneliness is showing! this paired with the opening line of the song, and ALSO knowing just how old this song is, really makes me feel like he's longing for a past version of liam or even how they used to be together. it's just filled with nostalgia to me. he's trying, or did try, to reach that past version of liam and how they used to be but it just wasn't the same and they couldn't connect the same way anymore and he's still longing for it.

thinking about noel writing this chorus when he did in the early 90's is so 🥺. it's such a desperate wish for something that you couldn't ever hope to have in any real sense. you just aren't allowed. but sometimes love doesn't work that way and it's so incredibly sad for that reason lol. every time he writes about that wish to escape the world's view with someone and just be with them, alone together, it kills me. it's so sad :(

i think either this chorus was simply just good enough for him to reuse all those years later or, i would imagine to some degree even after all that time you would still wish for a perfect world where you could escape and hide away together and never be found. since that's essentially what caused 80% of the problems in the first place. again i think it's brought back up by nostalgia and a wish for things to be how they used to be. even if they were hiding and only together in secret behind locked doors with the lights off, at least they were together.

also i think the side by side of growing up sharing a bedroom with your brother, falling in love with him probably in said bedroom, and then writing a song about locking doors and getting down on the floor is very inchersting. makes me wonder if their door had a lock 🤔

this is where it gets juicy! and yes i had to edit this bc genius had the wrong lyrics! or at least i think so bc i dont own the album and am pure pissed abt that because i was halfway out of bed to get it and look when i realized i dont even fucking own it! anyways!

this part is super wack to me bc instead of speaking About this person like he has been, he starts speaking directly To them. the "She" he mentions then becomes someone else entirely, i rlly dont wanna go there but you can make your own conclusions. no matter how toxic and terrible it is between them, i don't think anyone will ever understand either of them the way they understand eachother so i get why he wrote a line like that, "she never hears me when i speak/i gotta find out where that magic sleeps" it doesn't mean he's like pining for liam over his wife or something, i think he's just nostalgic for that level of understanding and being known that he really can't get anywhere else.

"and i can feel you underneath my skin" YESS you are entwined forever neither of you will ever escape the other ur constantly followed by the thought or memory of him and vice versa. pining and longing for somebody to the point where they live so rent free in your head that you can feel them under your skin.

"and if we take our love inside" back to being hidden inside/behind closed doors with someone, because at least you have them at all! i think it's inchersting how noel's common view of his solo career being his ultimate freedom and happiness is contrasted here by a line like "cause i don't wanna sail on the ocean wide/cause we might never live to meet again" which sounds more like loneliness and the fear of him never getting this thing back that he's clearly missing. he obviously knows that they don't have forever if he does plan on fixing that at all. maybe being trapped inside, behind locked doors is better than being all by yourself and alone because at least you're locked in there with the person you love.

i don't think this song, or him bringing it back and releasing it this way, is a real true wish for that at all. more like a fantasy. when you're in a relationship like that for so long i can imagine it becomes a comfort and anything else might seem lonely/overwhelming or make you long for it, even if in hindsight it was much worse. it's just kind of all you know.

anyways yea in conclusion lock all the doors and thinking abt why it was originally written makes me very very sad let there be love etc etc

[kissmetae]

Hope

❧ AU: x Taehyung || Friends to Lovers (Lowkey slow-burn)

You felt distressed, caught up in your own emotions and confused by your over-thought thoughts. Going through a rough patch as some would say, where everything felt hopeless and you found yourself scrolling pinterest till 1am looking for "angsty" core aesthetics to fit your new "vibe" of life. But it was easier said than done to dig yourself a hole when your best friend constantly stood by filling the hole back up as you dug in an attempt to stop you, help you and make you feel better, despite having his own issue to deal with... his crush on you.

|| ANGST + SMUT | 11k | x reader | masterlist in bio ||

❧ Disclaimer: This is fiction. Actions and events in these stories are often exaggerated and to a certain degree unrealistic.  Please have this in consideration when reading fiction, especially if it includes sexual content.

❧ Rating: EXPLICIT || sexual content, unprotected sex ||  Warnings: mention of feeling hopeless, "deep reflection", (reader is troubled by something going on in their life but it's open for interpretation/unspecified)

❧ Smut features: Vanilla, desperate, first time together, unprotected, reassuring/concent asking/'checking in' (is this ok? Does it feel good?) top!Tae and a power outage.

How do you know when you've reached the complete state of hopelessness? Do people ever become 100% hopeless? You inhaled deeply and sighed it out. Gaze to the white ceiling, back on the bed and legs up against the wall. The tingle in your feet from the lack of circulation made them look somewhat less alive and feel cold. With a tilt of the hips you allowed your legs to slowly fall to the side, forming a new pose in the shape of a 90 degree angle on the bed and allowing for the less zombie-ish color to return to your feet. Hopelessness. Feeling like there is no point yet still stubbornly aching in the inner crevice of the head with a wish for there to be a chance for something else. A change, a plot twist a sudden eureka to make the entire world loose it's zombie color pallet and become lively and vibrant again. Hope. Or a wish for hope. It's probably some basic programming, like survival instinct, hope instinct. But at this point you didn't want to believe. You wanted to be grumpy, upset, frustrated. To curse society and curse what isn't fair and curse all the norms and expectations around you regardless of who made them up! Curse the media, curse the mold for perfect and the lip filler ads, curse the restrictions planted by your own beliefs and curse the cause of said belief! But feeling frustrated and angry is hard. Not only is it exhausting but it's the hardest emotion to let out fully and feel satisfied by after. If anything anger and frustration feels like a self-fueling fire that keeps burning more and more until you get exhausted and slump down on the bed with your legs up the wall. Crying would've been easier. You sat up, feeling a brief spin in the head due to your advanced modelling poses and reached for your water bottle. Water, Zen, calm rivers, refreshment, sound of clucking water in the harbor... rain. You turned towards your bedroom window at the sudden raging pattering sound outside. Even the sky needed to cry today. You reached for your phone, having it be faced down for the past hour or so after giving up on ranting about your dilemma to your friend. You had two types of friends. Those who were there for you when convenient and those who were there for you regardless. Taehyung was one of them. 3 missed calls. 15 texts- make that 16. A sting of guilt washed through realizing he must've been worried sick the past hour. Too exhausted to use your vocal chords you opened the text chat. Taehyung was the definition personified of a caring person. Sometimes to the extent where you'd question if it was more than anyone deserved. Did the world deserve Taehyung? You didn't make it through the second text before your doorbell rang followed by a loud bang. It sounded urgent... You got up from bed and slipped your feet into your white fluffy slippers and made your way to the front door of your apartment. You unhooked the clasp and unlocked your door to see one of the rainstorm's victims dripping water onto your doormat. Taehyung, Dressed in a green raincoat and hair clinging to his forehead and temples. His chest was rising unnaturally with his attempts to regain his breathe. "Tae-" He stepped in, an arm wrapping around your side and the other pressing your head to his wet shoulder. "If you didn't make me so worried... I would've removed my raincoat before hugging you." He squeezed. "See this as my revenge." His heart was beating fast. He pulled back after a few seconds, breathing stable and his red hands reaching to unbutton his raincoat. Did he not wear gloves? He pulled the door shut behind him and gently kicked off his boots. Apparently not. "I'll... go hang your raincoat in the bathroom for it to dry" you said, taking it from him. He was quick to address the elephant. "Why didn't you reply to my texts?" He followed behind you. "I... I left my phone to charge and I got distracted..." you made up, hanging his raincoat up in the shower. "I didn't come here to scold you, but when you tell me you're feeling hopeless, you get that it makes me worried right?" His voice was gentle and he looked at you with concerned eyes, stood in the door to the bathroom. Actually.... you didn't. Why would anyone worry... everyone seemed to always take it as nihilistic comedy or something and swat it away with something along the lines of "you’re just hungry" or the classic "are you on your period?" Maybe you were or maybe you weren't but why would that matter? Just thinking about it made you feel annoyed. As if any deep emotion only was caused by a period, it's just a period, why would anyone, let alone someone with a period themselves ask someone else that in a way that minimizes the reason they feel upset or angry or whatever emot- "Hey?" Taehyung pulled you back out from inside your head. "I don't know..." He crossed his arms over his chest and you knew that look far too well. "We'll talk about it, but right now, I'm here to make it better and take care of you. Did you eat?" You shook your head. "Great! Because I stopped by at the shop on my way... before the rain attacked me and picked up some stuff, including~" he said with an eager tone and walked towards the grocery bag you hadn’t noticed until now. He picked it up and dug his hand in for something. "Du du du du" he sang dramatically and slowly pulled out the familiar dark blue packaging. The love of your life, the source of all things good. Chocolate. The good one! Not the weird orange wrapping one you hated, but the blue one, the holy blue one, your favorite one. "I remember your frustration when you saw the empty shelf of horror last week and it was restocked today so i picked up three just in case." "THREE?!" "Mhm!" He nodded proudly. You could cry, finally, but for other reasons. "TaeTae you're the best." You walked towards him, hugging him tight. He was the bestest of the best, the hero, the savior, chocolate delivery man. Oh what would life be without him. A blush spread across his cheeks. "You did it again." He said shyly "Hm? Did what?" "You called me TaeTae." "You don't like it?" "... I do." -- Taehyung had you stationed at the kitchen table while he cooked. With a focused gaze he scrolled on his phone, reading the next step for the recipe while stirring the pot. You were pretty sure he knew this recipe by heart now, he'd cooked it for you before and he should be confident in it but seemingly not enough yet to put the recipe down. The kitchen smelt amazing and you could feel your hunger cry out for whatever was simmering in the pot. Taehyung gently tapped the wooden spoon against the pot as he added another ingredient. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" He asked. That's where you'd left him hanging in your texts when exhaustion took over... "I just..." "Is it /that/ thing?" Taehyung asked, very much knowing of your source for distress already. "Kinda... but this time it feels different... I’m not nervous or eager, I just felt like I was waiting and waiting and what if I waited so long for nothing and I.... it doesn’t make sense but I just feel numb at this point and like I'm losing hope. Like every odd is set against me and I'm the only one dumb enough to still bet on myself." "And me. Except I'm not dumb, nor are you and I'll always bet on you. Always." Oh Taehyung... "Well, as your personal doctor and advisor and therapist and nurse, care-taker, comfort teddy and so on, I am going to prescribe you with some stuff." You chuckled. "Please go ahead." He placed a plate in front of you and another on the opposite end of the table. "Firstly, a good healing meal." "And you’ve already done everything in your power right now, you’ve been working hard. Maybetoohard." He mumbled under his breathe followed by a fake cough. "That said, let me distract you." "How?" "Well, some old school friends wanted to go out clubbing this weekend and-" "You don't like clubbing." "Hold on, let me get to the point. My suggestion is that you can come too, it won’t only be them. There will be the general club people too of course and I think most of them were bringing other friends or their girlfriends too so... it might be fun? If it sucks, we'll ditch and go to the midnight bowling place or noraebang, yes?" Maybe having some social interaction, an excuse to dress up and good music wasn't such a bad idea? The only thing bugging you was the potential mess there could be... and lately with your stressed mind you hadn't been the best at handling those environments, but after all this was just a club, with dancing people... it couldn't be that bad right? Bowling did sound fun too though... But you knew distraction and fun was what you probably needed. Maybe it wouldn't solve the issues but maybe it'd make it weigh less. The small distractions did a lot, a big one should do even more. "Sure." "Really?!" You could've sworn you just witnessed his ears wiggle from excitement. "I'll come." -- When Taehyung said "clubbing" you expected big flashy neon signs, a red rope and a guard and pulsing music coming from inside... not a giant base, a sax and a set-up of almost 4 different types of synthesizers. A jazz club. You should've known. The band was some sort of electro jazz fusion sprinkled with funk type band, as they introduced themselves as and they weren't bad, not at all. In fact this was a lot cozier than an uncomfortable packed nightclub. You just wish Taehyung told you so you could've worn your comfy flowy favorite dress rather than your tight little black one, wanting to fit in with the scene... Taehyung was dressed in black slacks, a green sweater and a brown coat that was hung over his chair, paired with his trademark assortment of bracelets on his wrist. Including the one you gave him for his birthday two years ago. He never took it off since the day he got it. It made you smile seeing it on his wrist. Taehyung's old school friends, the few you had managed to great during the evening were all really nice and most of them had their arm either around another or a hand held by another. You couldn't help but feel a little awkward, the questioning looks that didn't need to be vocal for you to understand. "Is this your girlfriend?" Taehyung just smiled, maybe playing it off was best... or did he just not notice the silent question? At first you expected a shrug or something but nope... "Would you like something more to drink?" Taehyung asked, leaning in so you'd hear him over the music and pointing towards your nearly empty glass. "I think I'm alright." "What?" "I'm ok." You leaned in closer. "Do you want to dance?" You and Taehyung were seated alone at one of the many tables as the majority were occupied dancing to the beats of the band and the rest drinking at other tables or mingling around. You had been up there at least twice, maybe even three times dancing the best you could and Taehyung always being by your side but your brain was starting to get a little drowsy. "I think I'm going to call it a night. But you can stay if you want." "No no, if you want to go home I'll come with you, let me walk you home." "I'll take a taxi its ok" "I insist." "So do I" the few drink he had had were enough to make his words braver and bolder. "It's late, I don't want you to go back alone regardless of if you take a taxi. I'll walk you." Fine. "Ok" Taehyung swept the remainder of his wine  and grabbed his coat and waved some quick goodbyes. It was cold outside. Dark and empty... maybe it was good Taehyung insisted after all. He stumbled slightly, alarming you. Your hands instinctively reached for him and he giggled. "You only had two glasses I doubt you're drunk right now." "Maybe I wiwwle tipdie" he giggled, clearly  acting up. "Does wiwwle tipdie Taehyung need help? Should I carry you on my back?" "No! I should be carrying you, do you have a blister on your heal from your shoes? Sore feet? Sore legs? Anything I can use as an excuse?" You laughed, patting him gently on the back. A cold breeze travelled through the street and you pulled your jacket tighter around you. "You're cold?" Taehyung asked "A little... my choice of dress wasn't the best." "I think you look beautiful." The sudden compliment caught you off guard. "... thanks." "Thanks? For what?" "The compliment" "I'm simply stating the facts." He said, looking to the side and slipping his hands into his pockets. "It sure is cold..." Why was it feeling awkward suddenly? Silence between the two of you would usually be comfortable... "Thanks for bringing me too." "Did you have fun?" He turned to face you again. "Yes, it was better than I expected." "I'm glad to hear that." "But let’s go bowling next time." "Sure!" He smiled widely. A source of warmth suddenly surrounded you and you looked up to see Taehyung's face turned away yet again but his arm resting around your shoulder, wrapping his coat around you and urging you closer into his side till your hips almost brushed against each other. The rest of the walk back home was a few minutes of silence, but luckily you didn't live far. "Home sweet home" "How will you get home?" You asked, concerned. "Ah..." he checked the time on his phone. "Well I've missed the last train... so unless I can find a taxi which so far I've seen none I'll have to sleep at the station." "No you're not, come, you can call a taxi from my place and at least wait inside instead of out in the cold." You said, grabbing his arm and pulling him with you through the entrance. "Nobody's picking up?" You asked Taehyung looked down at his phone with a confused look. "It keeps hanging up on me? I don't know if maybe their line is down or something?" "It would explain why we didn't see any on the walk back." "I guess so... so now what?" He looked up at you. "Guess you'll have to stay the night." He grinned. "Can't remember the last time we had a sleep-over" he chuckled and removed his coat. He was right, it must've been years ago... the last time you could remember was a movie night gone sleep over during winter when it had snowed so no traffic was able to move at all. You grabbed a spare cover and a pillow and handed it to Taehyung, sleepiness already present in his eyes. "Hey." Taehyung said, laying out the pillow and cover on your sofa. "If I have a nightmare can I come lay next to you?" He grinned. "If you have to." He replied with a puppy gaze. "Good night TaeTae." His eyes widened and he looked down at the couch. "... Good night." -- The question was when would you wake to the sound of birds chirping instead of the aggressive rasp of the snow plow dragging across the street? It almost sounded like it was more ir less plowing the asphalt off the earth rather than the snow. More irritating was that it just added to your unsatisfying sleep and rough awakening streak. One good morning was all you asked for... You sat up, slid off the edge of the bed and slipped into your slippers that were neatly set up by its side. A scratch of the head and an adjusting pull of the bun on your head and you headed to you first destination; tea. With heavy steps you dragged yourself out of your room and were met by the surprise you had forgotten was left on your couch from last night, sprawled across the sofa... in only boxers. Oh god. The covers were halfway on the floor, only covering his legs, barely. It was cold too but should you just ignore him... no, you couldn't... but what if you woke him up? He was only in boxers and you were already trying your best not to look but your brain had already registered that they were black and Calvins... please no more information... thigh muscles NO! Chest, focus on the chest. He was breathing, he was alive. Inhale, exhale. You carefully made your way towards him. His chest was toned... the type perfect to rest your head on NO! Messy hair... It really didn't help that your best friend was as attractive as he was. You bent down and carefully picked up the cover, pulling it back up over his upper body. He must've been really cold, his nipples- NO. You shook your head furiously to get rid of the thought. You turned around 180 degrees and marched to the kitchen. Tea. Tea. Tea. Tae. TEA! You could hear the covers rustle as he shifted, followed by a soft groan. Oh no... Please no. Although... why was it so dangerous for him to see you in your own home, making tea. I don't know! But regardless it felt like an action movie stealth scene for the grand heist judging by your heart beat. The boiler was too loud, the accidental clink of the mug as you set it to the counter too, the rip of packaging of the tea bag, the wind whistling outside! Sweat? You were sweating, stress consuming you yet again over the moist pointless little thi- "Hey?" The tea cup smashed against the kitchen floor along with your gasp and you grabbed the door handle of the kitchen cupboard for support. Taehyung starred at you with wide startled eyes. Maybe your screech scared him as much as his sudden presence scared you. "Sorry." He chuckled, voice so deep and raspy you could practically feel his vocal chords vibrate. Your heart was pounding hard. Could he at least have been swaddled in the covers and not in his boxers right now... You diverted your eyes to the porcelain shards across the floor. "Wait wait wait!" Taehyung yelped, holding his hand out to stop you from moving. But it was too late. The dark kitchen along with your giddiness had of course resulted in the unfortunate miss step. You sighed, lifting your foot from the chard as you felt something wet trickle down your foot. Taehyung quickly reached to turn the lights on, the bright shine blinding both of you briefly and making the view of him even clearer. "Stay there." Taehyung ordered. Your kitchen was pretty small so there wasn't much space to move without risking another wrong step. A cup of tea and now all this. You slapped your arms to your sides in a deep pout. Making a new cup now just felt wrong but you craved a cup so bad and it was cold... the floor was cold, you were cold... and not to mention everything hanging in form of heavy weights on your shoulders and chilling on top of the imaginary storm cloud above you right now. It's like your issues were mocking you and just making everything worse. Maybe the issue was that you related to the once-was intact mug. You felt split and unorganized, all over the place and dependent on things you knew you shouldn’t be depending your hope and happiness on but yet day after day you’d lose yourself in a visualization of a scenario of perfection were everything would be ok until again the door was slammed in your face and you had to start all over again. No matter how many times you felt like this time would be different and this time you were ready, this time it'd all go your way because the past was forgiven and your time wasn’t right but again and again .... Your patience was running out. You sniffed, wiping the tears from your cheeks with the back of your hand. Taehyung came back holding a broom and a dust pan when he saw your face of tears. "No..." he sounded panicked. He leaned down quickly sweeping the chards to the side of the kitchen and tossing the broom and pan into the pile so he could approach you. Strong lean arms embarrassed you like out of a 6 different angles k-drama scene. A hand found its place on the back of your head, softly petting you as the other pressed you closer to his warm chest. Never had you expected  that hugging Taehyung would feel this safe. May it be because he was the one you could be truly vulnerable with or that he was the one that knew what was going on right now, but whatever he did... he did it just right. "You don't need to say anything." He whispered. "I know." He squeezed you a little firmer. "I know." He reassured. "Sssh" his hand felt so gentle as it caressed you. "It's going to be ok." He felt so warm. "I'm here." His skin felt so soft against your hands. "I'm not going anywhere." Your heart calmed down. Taehyung didn't pull away until you became silent and your breathing stable. But even then he didn't pull away completely, only enough to look at your face and caress his thumbs under each eye gently. "I'll reheat the water for you." He smiled softly and reached for the switch on the kettle. You didn't want to let go, not just yet. But he slipped away carefully and kneeled to sweep up the shards and discarded the pieces into the bin. He briefly disappeared and came back holding his sweater, arms slipped in and pulling it over his head as he entered, causing his shoulders to naturally flex slightly as he slipped it on. He grabbed two mugs from the cupboard, added a bag in each and filled them with the hot water. You tugged and fidgeted at your sleeve as you watched, feeling unusually shy in his presence. "Come, let’s sit on the sofa" Taehyung said and grabbed a mug in each hand but quickly came to a halt. "Your foot!" You had forgotten about it too. He placed the mugs back down and watched you as you lifted to check the cut. "Fuck." Taehyung said and quickly ripped a piece of kitchen towel off and handed it to you. Holding one hand against the fridge for support and the other wiping the smeared mess on your foot you watched as Taehyung quickly disappeared and reappeared again with your med kit. "Does it hurt?" He asked, rummaging through the kit. "No, it just stings a little." He pulled out some disinfectant solution and eyes you quickly up and down. Before you knew it he was stood in front of you, kneeling slightly as you felt his large hand grab a hold behind your thigh and his arm scooped you up on him. Your heart was back to its rapid pace again. He set you down on the sofa carefully and went back to grab the disinfectant and the tea mugs. He sat on the floor in front of you, soaking a cotton pad with the solution and gentle pulling your foot towards him by the ankle. "Ah, thanks goodness it doesn't seem to be deep." He said with relief, gently dabbing the cotton pad to the wound. It stung a little but it wasn't too bad. "All nice and clean, do you have cute band-aids?" "Only boring plain ones I'm afraid." Taehyung scrunched his nose. "Boo." With a band-aid beneath your foot and your longed for tea in your hands you sat next to him on the sofa. "An eventful morning." "I should become your fulltime caretaker at this point." Taehyung joked. "Not that I'd mind." "Will you pay me?" He raised his brows as well as the mug to his lips. "No way." You smiled. "Charity work is good for karma." "I already have good karma!" Taehyung protested, pretending to be offended. He laughed that trademark warm laugh that was like a smooth cackle that somehow always triggered a little firework to go off in your chest. You smiled, looking into your mug as if it'd tell you a fortune. ... you swallowed and looked up. In winter the sun rose late and had begun its voyage above the horizon, painting the sky a bright warm orange tone as it shined in through the window behind Taehyung. No. You didn't have feelings for him. You just felt some post-event shakiness and nerves and for the matter of a fact you finally got your much needed cry. It must just be your chest feeling lighter thanks to the cry. "So, do you have any planes today?" Taehyung asked. "I don't even know what day it is." "Good, I don't have plans either and it's Saturday for your information. But I do have a potential plan and that is, since I'm already here, to spend the day with you unless you have important to do's, which you shouldn't, because you need a break." He whispered towards the end. "A fmnn break." He repeated, biting his lip on the word to censor himself, but he got his point across. "A break would be nice... but when I try, I feel distressed as if I shouldn't be doing it because I'm wasting my time. I need-" "A distraction" Taehyung filled in. You nodded. "Then thou shall sit here and watch my live-in-action cooking show live from your kitchen." He said cheerfully, slapping his hands to his thighs as he stood up. "Do you have strawberries?" He asked. "In the freezer." "Yes!" He made his way to the kitchen, worth to mention is the open floor plan of your apartment so you could see him well enough from where you were seated. The soft messy curls on his head bounced with him as he walked. He dramatically pointed at you with a spatula in his hand. "Welcome." He said, speaking deeply into the spatula. "The pancake and strawberry smoothie extravaganza extraordinaire show with your host." He point his thumb and index under his chin. "Kim Taehyung." His goofiness never failed to bring a smile to your face. He went to grab his phone on the sofa table. "I need background music...." he hummed as he scrolled, spatula still in his other hand. "Jeopardy music 10 hours?" He looked up at you for an opinion. "Please no." He giggled and a calm upbeat song started playing from him phone as he put it back down and resorted to the kitchen. While frying up the first batch he was spaced out, humming on the theme tune to jeopardy anyway. You had made yourself comfortable on the sofa, lying down. The sofa smelt like him now. The same sweet comforting scent as the hug had... and his coat the numerous times he'd wrapped it around you when it was cold or shielded you from the rain with it. But speaking of memory, thinking back at those often occurring times you were also reminded about how a previous "friend" used to try and provoke you into being nervous and shy in Taehyung's presence. You'd been close for years and maybe she had an issue with that or something but she'd always find ways to tease you in way. Claiming Taehyung was giving you "looks" or "checking you out" in ways she as a self-declared expert in men deemed were of more than friendly nature. And since she as expert of men by that likely thought all men were the same, proves how reliable of a source she was. Taehyung he just.... you were close. She just wanted to make you feel embarrassed and self-conscious and make it awkward between you. You hated thinking about that. It made you overthink and feel awkward. Like an evil loop. You looked up at the breakfast chef, catching his eye as he quickly looked back down to the pancakes. You could get used to this view. Handsome man in boxers and sweater making you pancakes when you’re feeling blue, the headline in your head spelled out. The Zen experience of the kitchen fan being turned off brought stillness and Taehyung emerges with a plate of pancakes, disappearing and re-appearing again after denying your offer to help with the strawberry smoothies, plates, forks, knifes and every suitable pancake topping he had been able to locate in your kitchen. And a tube of mustard as a joke that you only kept in your fridge for when your dad came over to dinner and his weird obsession with having mustard on everything. It was probably even expired. "Enjoy your meal." "You're my hero Taehyung." You said, stabbing a pancake. "I can be your hero baby." You froze. "What?" "Haven't you heard that song?" He smiled. Oh.. "Hero? By Enrique Iglesias?" "Ah, now that you mention it-" "With the weird music video were goes on this road trip with the girl and then he's suddenly rubbing money over her body in this random stone house." "Is this what you binge on youtube at 2am when I wake up to 15 links and emotional texts." "Do not judge me!" You giggled. "I'm not, I like waking up to those texts from you. You sent them to me for a reason." Taehyung smiled shyly. "Yeah... anyhow! I have a suggestion, a proposal, a-" "Go on" "Since I'm your hero, but even I weren't. I thought maybe I could stay here a few days? Only if you want me to, of course. I just-" he became shyer. "I like to think that you seem to feel better when I'm around and you're going through a rough time so I'd like to be there for you, like you are for me." Your heart made its presence in your chest known yet again. "You should think.... because it's true." "So?" "It'd be nice." He smiled widely. "Great! But I do need to go home and pack some clothes and... some pajamas and Yeontan! He is a great comforter trust me, he has cheered me up many times when I've cried." "Cried? What were you crying about?" "Oh- uhm it's nothing, it's ok now so." He swatted it away. "Boys cry too." He joked, but it tasted weird. "But he's staying with my parents this weekend, but if you want I can go pick him up." He suggested. "It's ok, he needs time with his grandparent." Taehyung chuckled. "Well they love their grandson so I'm sure they wouldn't mind having him stay an extra day or two." -- You couldn't help but feel bad that Taehyung had to sleep on the sofa... His bag with clothes and necessities was placed in the hallway and the covers neatly hung over the backrest. "We could take turns and sleep in the bed every other day." "I told you it was fine." Taehyung insisted, again. "I just feel bad..." "Then let’s both sleep in your bed and call it even." "...." your cheeks felt hot. "See, so I'll sleep on the sofa. Don't worry about it!" What does he mean "see"? ... you were simply imagining what excuse to use as to how your head would coincidentally end up on his chest instead of your pillow. "Or we'll both sleep on the sofa, but it might be a bit cramped." He continued. "Maybe this was a bad idea..." "Hey no! No, I'm just joking. Don't feel bad ok." Taehyung's hands smoothed down your arms. "Beds are better at healing wounds on the feet too." You exhaled deeply. "Oh TaeTae..." "Doesn't this feel like we're having a pajama party or sleep over?" He smiled. "Kinda, should we build a blanket fort and watch movies?" His mouth dropped open. "I'm just kidding!" You laughed He pouted. "Oh you want to?" A nod. "You want to build a fort and watch movies?" You asked with more excitement. More enthusiastic nodding. You both cracked up laughing on the sofa together. "I'm serious though." Taehyung grinned. -- You lied awake in your bed, eyes to the ceiling. For some wild reason you both thought it would be a great idea to binge through the entire twilight saga series as a source of comedy but you only made it up to half-way through eclipse when it became too much to handle for both of you. The first movie was easy to mock and laugh at and make fun out if but once it got more serious and romantic in new moon it started getting a little awkward. To say the least, feeling flustered from watching twilight but not due to the movie itself but from the presence of Taehyung right next to you in your make-shift sofa blanket fort. You couldn't stop thinking about him. And he was out there... on your sofa, right now. And who knew if he was in cute polka dot pajamas with his hair a mess on the pillow or his tight fitted boxers and his hair tied up.. You bit your lip, crossing your legs at the visual. You remembered the first time you witnessed Taehyung tie his hair up and how it felt like being punched in the gut. It's not possible to be that attractive. "Then aren't you attracted to him?" The voice echoed in your head. Just because you find someone attractive doesn't mean you're attracted to them! Which is very much true. But Taehyung's personality was attractive too which was harder to justify the same way. And his person. And him. The entire package. You sighed. Maybe the stupidest thing you could do right now was reach for your phone and google "do I have feelings for my best friend?" Ah yes. A quiz. Maybe it wasn't so stupid after all, it'd say maybe you like him but you're not into him at the very most. Question 1, do you find them attractive. Well who wouldn't? And like mentioned it doesn't mean you're attracted to him. Yes. Question 2, do they like you? Pfft... what kind of question is that? How would you know? I don't know... or yes I guess? I mean he clearly likes you as a friend or he wouldn't be up to making all this effort for you but do they mean platonically? You ticked maybe. Question 3, Do you stalk them on social media? What the??? He's your best friend! The algorhythm shoves his posts in your face weather you like it or not. Sometimes. Question 4, Do you see them a lot? Yes. Question 5, Do you want to know more about them? You already know everything ... but what he cries about to Yeontan is something. Yes. Question 6, when you see them with somebody else who isn't considered their friend, how do you feel? Jealous. Question 7, when they're around you how do you feel? Nervous or self-conscious or nothing or i don’t know... well nervous AND a little self-conscious depending on the situation and if he's dressed or in just his boxers. Nervous. Question 8, Do you think about them? Yes. Always. Question 9, Do you laugh at their jokes? Another weird one but yes. Question 10, are they your ex? Huh? No. Definitely. A lot. You placed your phone screen down on your chest and let out a sigh. Maybe visualizing a kiss or two while in the shower was a crime after all... or was the question why were you in the first place? He was amazing in every type of way and you wanted to know if he was amazing at kissing too andmaybeinbed but you can't just ask him that or try it out, so you had to resort to imagination.... Who were you even trying to convince at this point? You liked him. Definitely. And a lot. The realization did nothing to help you fall asleep unfortunately. Another 15 minutes in dark silence passed when you suddenly heard the floorboards squeak. Maybe Taehyung was going to the bathroom or grabbing a glass of water... But the soft pats of his feet should've stopped by now... Your half open door pushed open a bit more shyly and Taehyung peaked in. Dressed in pajama bottoms, but no shirt. "You're awake." He said, whispering. "So are you." "I can't sleep..." he rubbed his arm. "I feel lonely." As if you'd deny him looking all shy and vulnerable in your door. You scooted to the side in your bed, making raise his brows in hope and anticipation, fingers fidgeting. "Come." You said, patting the bed next to you. The bed dipped gently as he lied down and you put the covers over him. He shifted onto his side, placing his head on your pillow. This was better. But since you just took an online quiz to realize you had feelings for this man currently shirtless in your bed, you couldn’t help but feel incredibly awkward. "How come you're feeling lonely?" You asked, trying to conceal your stiffness "To a start I sleep better when I get to hold something." He said shyly "Who?" You asked, intending for it to be a thought. "When I'm at home, Yeontan." Of course... "He lays on the bed and I feel less lonely and hearing him walk around or do something makes me feel soothed knowing I'm not alone... for the most part." "Are the tears you cry... tears of loneliness?" You could tell it triggered something in him. He bit his lip and nodded gently, eyes glossy. "For the most part it's just me and a pillow." He confessed. "But you could say-... it's something like that, yes." Face to face, mere inches apart. You thanked the darkness of the room that he couldn't see you blush right now but unreasonable fear that he'd somehow "sense" it in the atmosphere still worried you. You shouldn't have taken that stupid quiz it only made you start overthinking and it was probably rigged and the questions were weird so why should you listen to it? Get back to your senses! He's your best friend and you're comfortable with him! Calm down! "... I know it's dumb" Taehyung mumbled. "I know it seems like I'm this easy-going social butterfly with lots of friends who can find someone to hang out with within seconds... but when I'm alone at home, I just feel so empty. Like if nobody sees me, I don't exist. Thus when I'm alone, I'm not real anymore." "That's very philosophical, but what if someone thinks about you while you are alone? Then wouldn't you exist since somebody has you on their mind?" "But it'd be impossible for me to know and people have better things to do than walk around and daydream about me." It stung a little inside hearing him say this. "People are actually capable of multitasking you see, they can do these better things you speak of and think about you at the same time. I think about you a lot, sometimes I think about you while doing the laundry, riding the bus or taking a show- that sound's wrong." Taehyung chuckled. "But you get what I mean." "What do you mean?" He asked "That I think about you and that you aren't alone TaeTae, you never are. If you're ever feeling lonely, maybe think about me. If that helps. Or get to know yourself more, become your own friend or create an imaginary friend!" "I already do that." "Have an imaginary friend?" "Think about you." Oh. "... does it help?" You asked shyly. He shook his head. "It just makes me miss you and want to come to see you." Is it possible to experience a softer heart attack than you just did? Rather than a heart exploding in saw gore-level mess it gently poofed and became a small cloud of red feathers gently falling to the ground. Since when had you become a softie? Two hours ago you were all if there's no sex in the romance novel, it's not worth my time but now you suddenly felt an urge to ransack the romance section of the nearest library to read every cheesy romance story you could find until you could find one similar to your own. Your... own? What? With... with Taehyung? ... not that you’d visualize every male lead character as coincidentally similar to him regardless of how their looks were described in the book.... "Maybe I do need to spend some time with myself to get over it..." No! Stay here with me! "I can spend more time with you." Taehyung looked up. "I think that could benefit us both." He sounded more hopeful now. "Well, you're already here so it's also convenient." Despite the darkness you could make out the smile on his face that appeared. Cute. But wait... did Taehyung suggest he could stay here for you, because he felt lonely? He shifted slightly and the sheets rustled. His leg accidently brushed against yours and your first thought was to tangle your legs with his in a leg tackle war... but you still felt too on edge to act casual and playful with him like you normally could. You swallowed. "How long have you felt this way?" "A while... a long while. At first it was nothing but then it got worse and even more worse when I realized this one thing." "What thing was that if I may ask?" He sighed. "It's hard to explain... but, say a friend." "Mhm?" "A friend feels kinda lost, existentialism and stuff going on, doesn't like to be by himself, then he finds this person and they make him forget it all but once they’re apart it all returns to him again like they were his escape but only for as long as they were together." "Is that only with that one person or all?" "No no, only that person. And then he realizes he might be in love, or he's addicted to the person in a way, but in a good way not an obsessive way just-" "In love?" "Something like that." "You're in love?" "Huh?! What no! This was about a friend! I'm not talking about me!" "Then what did you realize Taehyung?" You could tell his mind briefly blanked in panic. "I realized that maybe I, as said friend need to find that person for me." "A person?" He nodded shyly. "You want to fall in love?" "I don't know... something like that." 'Something like that' seemed to be his catchphrase this evening. But in love? A person? His person?... that couldn't be you... could it? Did he want you to be his person? Were you his person?? The questions and confusion kept spiraling through your head, (finally) making you feel tired and exhausted. "I think... I just want to tend to someone else than myself, to not have to think so much about it and instead take care of somebody else." "Is that why you offered to stay?" "Yes and no, I want to take care of you because I am genuinely concerned and worried about you, I want to be there for you. But also, sleeping on the couch last night, hearing you tiptoe around the kitchen... it made me feel comforted." His voice sounded drowsy. "If you want... I can be your person in this scenario." You suggested. "You've already become.. person." He mumbled, sinking deeper into his half-awake state. -- You stretched your leg out one at the time, twisting your body gently and inhaling deeply into a stretch, gently batting your eyes open. You pushed a palm against the bed to get up into a seated position when something suddenly restrained you, heavy over your abdomen. Surprised, you raised the sheet to see the reminder of what you had forgotten last night. Over your waist, a lean arm with faint thin dark hairs and a few subtle veins travelling up the forearm from the large hand clung to the side of your waist... all attached to the source of warmth to your left, Taehyung. His dark locks a mess on the pillow, his bare upper body now fully on display in the daylight and his polka dot pajama pants haven travelled down a bit too far low for your sanity... Cursed be the eyes in your skull for travelling down the view. You would've noticed it sooner or later regardless, especially since your thigh was  a hair between touching it. It, being the weird relief of knowing he got some deep relaxing sleep in... but with an awkward morning surprise... and his arm wouldn't grant you freedom without you accidentally or intentionally having to wake him up. You carefully shifted to at least have your thighs at a safer distance, but your bed wasn't intended for two people, so it was easier said than done. His grip suddenly tightened and a low groan escaped him as he shifted. Why did you feel fear as if you shouldn’t be present in your bed in which he entered himself. If anyone Taehyung should be the one fearing his life right now. His thumb caressed your side gently and it felt nice... soothing. Until his eyes suddenly opened wide with a soft gasp as you felt his morning hard on grace against your thigh. Eyes that pleaded and begged you didn't notice pierced into yours and you decided to play along. "Did you sleep well?" His hand quickly retreated to your disappointment. "Sorry i... I did it in my sleep it wasn't-" "It's ok, you said you sleep well holding something and being held didn't feel too bad..." "Well, in that case, I actually slept better than I have in a really long time." He said, voice raspy and deep still. He rolled onto his back, thankfully, and placed his hand behind his head. "Did you?" "Huh?" "Did you sleep well?" "In fact, I did." You said, answering truthfully and resisting the urge to put your head on his bare chest. If only the lord or whoever would stop testing me... "Hungry?" He asked. You nodded. "Great, I'll fix something ok, but close your eyes." "Why?" "I'm shirtless." ... right. You covered your eyes with your hands and the warmth left your side as he got up and escaped the room. You slowly got up, trying to win some time for him but a few brief seconds later heard the sound of the bathroom door down the hall closing and locking. Yikes. That went smoother than expected. You set up some tea, knowing Taehyung described coffee as the closest to unlethal poison you could find, you knew he'd prefer tea or hot chocolate and that there was no use to ask. You knew him too well. It was nice having him here. And waking up with a strong arm around your waist wasn't too bad either... if only you could've let yourself enjoy the moment instead of freaking out, what if he grew cautious now and you'd never experience it again? You sighed softly, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard. After a while, the kettle clicked and you poured some water into each mug. It had been a while now... ... was he meditating in there? There was no sound of the shower, or anything, not that you were listening. Would it be weird if you asked if he was ok? Since the kettle was off the entire apartment became significantly more silent. You heard a faint mumble. "Fuck..." You swallowed. Ear please momentarily turn off, mind and imagination too please. You reached to put the kettle back on but since the water was already hot it clicked off again after 5 seconds. The bathroom door opened and you braced yourself to not look down. Luckily, he was now wearing his oversized sweater or else you would've failed immediately. He let out a soft chuckle. "I spaced out." His cheeks were flushed red and glowing. Right. "I made you some tea." -- Why were deep topics always easier to talk about at night? Were people like clams? You wake up and it opens a little and once we hit the night the clam is fully open and then closes during sleep to a new no-talk-me-I-not-have-tea-yet to ask-me-about-how-i-view-existentialism cycle? Or were nights just vulnerable with the darkness? In that case you should metaphorically speaking be an open clam all day during winter when the sun goes into its own hibernation. But here you were again, just like last night, except... 20 minutes into the sudden power outage that made your impromptu movie night come to a halt. And it was getting really cold. Bundled up under a cover together, staring at the flicker of the candle on the coffee table in silence. "I was going to offer to make you tea to warm you up but the kettle..." Taehyung said with a soft chuckle. "The power will probably come back any moment soon." He said optimistically. As you looked out of the window earlier, you noticed it wasn't just your place, but the entire block seemed to have an outage. Unusual. But the current roaring rain storm outside likely had something to do with it. The wind was aggressive, the windows shook, it whistled in a creepy way and the trees outside rustled loudly. "How about we play a game?" Taehyung suddenly suggested, breaking off the silence again. He was feeling awkward, you could tell. He always rested his hands in his lap, fidgeting or poking at the cuticles of his nails when he felt awkward. "Sure, what should we play?" His face lit up. "Questions and answers? I can start!" "Shoot!" You folded your legs and shifted to face him on the couch. "What's your ideal type." ... he... immediately went there. "Looks or personality?" Taehyung shrugged. "Both." "Well it depends on the vibe they give off of course... and mainly. I guess tall, but it's not that important, wide shoulders are always nice." You paused to think, how can I describe Taehyung without it sounding like I'm describing Taehyung. "Funny, caring, optimistic, outgoing..." "Like me!" He smiled widely. You leaned back, squinting while caressing your chin, examining him playfully. "Hmmmn" He placed his hands under his jaw, like he was displaying his face and batted his eyelashes. "Not bad, not bad." He looked disappointed. "Just not bad?" You playfully nudged his arm. "It's your turn to answer. "Fine." He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest but cracking a giggle. "I'll ask you the same question." "Very original, you." "It's called recycling, so tell me." "I did." "Huh?" "You." Your heart froze briefly before beginning to pound. "Me?" "Mn!" He said confidently. "You're not bad" he mocked. You swallowed. "I have a question about the rules." "Go on" "If I ask you anything, do you have to tell the truth?" "Yes! Nothing but. So you better tell me what you actually think rather than 'not bad'" "Is the friend you talked about actually you? And am I the person?" He tensed up, swallowing. "I guess it was obvious..." he mumbled, rubbing his arm and looking down at his lap. "I just..." he began, but reluctance interrupted him. "I understand." You said. He looked up, seemingly surprised yet still tensed "I make you feel less lonely." He nodded slowly. "Which makes sense. After all we're best friends." You continued. "... right." He looked away. "Best friends." Taehyung reached up to move his hair away from his eyes, still facing down as if he was considering something. "So... what do you think of me?" His voice sounded more serious. Where to start of course he was gorgeous! Wide shoulders, a build you'd die to slide your hands down, dark big eyes, a sweet smile with plump lips, sculpted perfectly and his honey skin. Person wise... he was someone you'd want to have as your person. "A nice person" He scoffed. "Seriously?" He seemed upset. He finally looked up, meeting your gaze. There was a sparkle in his eye. The warm light from the candle made his face glow even more. "I mean person as in the person you have, a your-person" "A nice your-person?" He tilted his head. "You told me yesterday in bed that you can feel like someone is your person because they bring you comfort and make all your problems go away and you feel better just by being in their presence! A nice that-type-of-person." "But I was talking about you!" He pleaded "And now I'm talking about you." "You are my person, what do you mean?" He asked, placing emphasis on "my" "That you're my person too. Am I being unclear?" "No, not at all. I just wanted to hear you say it." "So you tricked me?" You scoffed. "Not really." He leaned closer. "But maybe I set you up and you simply walked into my trap." "So now what? We're just going to sit here in denial over the fact that we both admitted to being each other's person?" You questioned, feeling slightly panicky and picking at your nails. Was this platonic or not? "We don't have to" he grinned. "But to be clear, I'm not talking about you being my person as in my other half, my best friend type person, even though you are that too bit this isn't it." "Are you trying to tell me that you're in love with me?" He tensed up again. Fuck it. "Then just say it, stop confusing me with your riddles and metaphors and I won't do the same. Just tell me-" His hand pressed against the back of your head as he leaned in almost all the way. He caressed the back of your head gently and your gaze dropped to his soft pink lips with the tiny freckle to the side. You leaned in close enough to brush a gentle touch before Taehyung pressed you closer for your lips to finally collide. It started off desperate yet a little shy. You pressed back, grabbing at his sides and the kiss deepened. Your heart was pounding. Never did you expect he'd just go for it and kiss you when you showed some bold courage towards him but you didn’t have a slightest regret because he tasted so good against your mouth. His plump pink lips so passionate, so needy but also so gentle and triggering an explosion in your chest. Taehyung leaned over you, making you lay down on the couch as he crawled on top and it turned into an even wilder heated make out. Your hand tangled into his hair, his hand rubbed against the side of your waist under your top. Fearing it'd be the first, last and only, you wanted every single piece of this moment you could have. Unintentional, his touch triggered a soft moan to escape your throat, which subsequently triggered a groan from Taehyung. Making a sound like that with his voice should be illegal. It did things to you, things you didn't want to confess. But the box of secret confessions was torn open within seconds as Taehyung, a heavy breathing mess suddenly pulled away from your lips and landed by your ear, exhaling deeply. "Fuck, I'm hard." He groaned and you knew the box was flying out the windows with your filthy confession floating aimlessly around for him to hear but all you managed to stutter out was a choked "huh?" "If you knew how long I've wanted you for." He whispered. "How scared I've been of being rejected because I knew it'd shatter me." The hopeless romantic you knew he was made his attendance known. "A friend?" You chuckled. "Maybe I set myself up with that one, I admit. But I was hoping you'd catch on." He chuckled, still breathless. He planted a kiss against your neck. Were you about to have sex? Would it lead to that? Did you mind? Certainly not... Taehyung pushed up slightly, looking down at you. "May I?" You nodded and he smiled widely, pressing a kiss to your lips. Shifting, he easily found his place between your thighs and grinded up against you slowly with pressure, causing both of you to exhale into a sweet needy moan. Your feelings felt scattered all over the place but this wasn't the time to pick them up. You wanted to let go, to surrender, just for this moment. Let go of everything clawing at your back, clouding the sunny skies and draining you. There is nothing more exhausting than smiling pretending everything is ok while whatever inflated issue in beast form is clawing its nails across your back and the scars sting like lemon juice was just rubbed all over you, feeling disgusting and sticky, let alone in pain and with a sore back from the held tension. He grinded again, sensually this time as the tip of his nose travelled up your neck, inhaling your sweet scent. "Mmm" he hummed softly. Your hand made its way to his nape as he settled by your neck. "I could fall asleep here." He chuckled. "Right here in your neck, it's so warm and smells so nice. It's more effective than lavender." "Are you enchanted by my odor?" He laughed his trademark bubble laugh. "I wish you knew how much fun you are." He squeezed you, rubbing up firmer to you with a desperate grunt. "Fuck I can't take it anymore." He stood on his knees, crossing his arms in front of him and grabbing the hem of his sweater, pulling it up and off, exposing his soft skin and toned chest as it fell to the floor. His hand reached for the button on his pants but before making it to the zipper his attention returned back to you with his hands sliding up under your top and pulling it up over your head. "I just want to make sure again... is it ok?" He asked, eyes big. "Yes, touch me, kiss me, do whatever you want just don’t leave the couch. At least not without me." He smirked at this, finally able to surrender to his greed. Taehyung reached for the waistline of your pants, unbuttoning, unzipping and pulling them down your hips with your underwear going off with them. His fingers softly rakes over your skin as he travelled down your legs, your hips lifted to assist him and then they were tossed onto the floor. He reached for his own zipper again but you sat up, quickly swatting his hand away and reaching for it yourself. He was on his knees between your thighs. You pulled them down, sliding your hands over his soft curved hips, revealing his tight fitted boxers with little to any space left for his hard on. You swallowed. He blushed. Relieved that Taehyung took over the lead again you lied back down as his hands gently pushed you back, slipping the bra straps off your shoulders and reaching behind you to unhook and free you from your final piece of clothing. But with this one he wasn't in a rush. He slowly tugged at the lacey fabric, revealing your chest to him as he bit his lip. "Wow." He mumbled and his patience was gone. One hand grabbed your left boob, feeling it and squeezing it softly as the other slipped into his boxer to touch himself. He whimpered, seemingly trembling as a result of his desperation and the discomfort he must be feeling in those tight pair of... he let go of your boob, quickly pulling his boxers down and himself out. You felt your core twist and ache and his boxers joined the pile of clothes on the floor. Taehyung fell forward onto all fours on top of you. Fully exposed, fully erect and a full sight to take in in the dim light in the dark. Distracted and eyes travelling all over him, his hand suddenly cupped your chin, tilting it up for you to face him. His nose graced over yours in a sweet eskimo kiss before his lips, just as gently pressed to yours. Taehyung's hand slid down your neck, your chest and down until he found himself. Your toes curled as you felt his touch where you wanted him the most in this moment, the tip of him slowly sliding up and down your slit, triggering your need even more. Taehyung let out a shaky exhale. His lips were parted and eyes staring right down at your exposed curves. He positioned himself, slowly sliding the tip in, just to feel... just to get some urgent relief... he leaned his head back and his hands landed a tight grip of your waist. He couldn't take it anymore. Slowly and carefully he began to push. Making sure by studying your every expression that he wasn't hurting you and that it felt good. A sweet whimper escaped you, causing him to grin in delight as he pushed in deeper. He was thick... the gentle stretch he caused felt amazing and you couldn't stop yourself from clenching around him, making him moan and managing to make you even wetter just by the sound. With a soft grunt he slipped in all the way. Giving you a moment to adjust to his size, he moved his hand up to caress your cheek with the back of his hand. His touch felt like magic. Like a gentle feather smoothing over your cheek, but slender and strong, with long dainty beautiful fingers. You leaned into his touch. "Does it feel ok?" He whispered. You gave a reassuring nod. He pulled his hips back and thrusted back in, not too soft and not too hard he picked up a slow but deep rhythm for his movements. Your hands felt their way up and across his back, studying every curve and where he naturally flexed as he moved. His hands were firmly holding you in place at the waist, every desperate exhale and every shaky inhale sending almost an ASMR like tingle down your spine via your ear until your name suddenly slipped his lips. Most people feel a fuzzy like feeling inside hearing their proper name be called but this... this was unlike no other time. His deep voice, following a whimper, exhaling your name like a magic spell and it fading into a shiver-causing moan. To put it simply it was the sexiest thing you've ever heard and it activated a whole new part within you that felt foreign but so so so good. Like your blood had suddenly turned into liquid gold, all happy hormones releasing in a firework spelling the world "nothing else matters" in an imaginary sky. You wrapped your arms tighter around him, moaning his name out felt liberating. And it clearly triggered an equal reaction. His cheeks were already flushed and his eyes went wide. He smirked, growing more desperate, fucking your harder and deeper, chasing release. "Please cum for me." He whispered, pleading. "Please." He didn't need to place a formal request, you were already loosing yourself. The only sound echoing in the darkness being the roaring wind and rain along with your breaths and groans and the sound of his hips and your thighs. Wet, heavenly sounds to you. His sweet moans, his broad back, his dick... everything about him made you feel euphoric. The ever building tension below, the sweat forming on his forehead... "I'm gonna cum" he whimpered. Thinking your body couldn't possibly react stronger to him than it already was, it did. The thrusts grew faster, grunts louder and you could feel yourself leak even more. Back arching, tension growing... it felt even tighter now... you could feel him so well, every movement until you suddenly came un-done with a loud whimper to his ear, setting him off into his own orgasm, cumming deep inside with a string of "oh"s and groans, gritting his teeth together and tensing his face in a greedy expression. He slowed down to a halt, remaining inside, breathless on top of you. The light on the sofa table had reached its end and the faint scent of smoke filled the air as the flame went out, making the room completely pitch black. Taehyung's face nuzzled softly against your neck, inhaling the scent of you deeply  and being soothed. "Wow." He coughed, followed by a groan. "Wow." You repeated, happy that the light went out so he couldn’t see your flushed face. "You ok?" He whispered, vulnerability present in his voice. "I didn't go to hard right?" "It was amazing." He let out a breath of release and an awkward chuckle. "I'll pull out.." he said shyly, moving his hips back slowly and gently, slipping out. To your surprise, Taehyung climbed off of you, standing on his feet. The cold air made your nipples ache and your skin shiver. You wanted your human blanket and source of heat back. But you didn’t have to wait for long. A pair of strong arms slid in under you, lifting you up with ease. "The sofa is too tiny." He carried you into your bedroom, gently putting you back down on the bed and laying down on his side next to you, pulling you close to his chest where his heart was still pounding hard. He hugged you tight, caressing the back of your head. His lips pressed against the crown of your head gently. "My good girl." He whispered, sounding almost proud. Your cheeks burned and a weird sense to cry bubbled up but you quickly swallowed it and hugged him tighter, burying your face against his chest. Never had you thought being called a good girl, specifically "Taehyung's" good girl would be able to move you to tears. But maybe it's what you needed to hear, mixed with the hormonal serotonin cocktail your body just released upon you. "You'll always have me." He nuzzled his nose in your hair. With a click the power came back on, including your pink hue nightstand lamp next to the bed. Taehyung's cheeks were deeply flushed, amplified by the flattering pink light cast over him. You giggled.   Had this really just happened? Because it felt so right. Or was it just the relief of sex? But masturbating had never made you feel this emotional before... You looked up at Taehyung's face again and he smiled softly, his hand caressing your bare back up and down. It was definitely him.

[sugar-petals]

Hey Caro ☺️ I just took your super m quiz - thanks for making such a fun quiz, I feel like it helped me get into super m! I know nothing about them yet but I thought it fit soo well that I got Kai bc I’m a full time dancer - now you have me super curious about him 👀👀

KAI :: INTRODUCTION MASTERPOST (dance focus)

so you wanna know about the god of k-pop choreo? oh yeah, i’ll talk to you about fucking kai! if you dance, this guy is the #1 must-know. once you see him move, there’s no going back. i don’t exaggerate: kai is the gold standard. brace yourselves, i’ll show you why.

kim kai aka kim jongin (27) is a solo artist and super m’s plus exo’s main dancer — est 2019 and 2012 respectively — heading either group with a passionate, hyper-physical style that roots in his early practice of of jazz dance and ballet. the influence definitely shows. 

learning choreography, he’s become the gorgeous fusion of emotional grace and explosive power that unites both tension and extreme accuracy. while at the same time: never sacrificing his interpretation. and HOW MUCH HE BLEEDS FOR HIS CRAFT. he enjoys it so much. 

and he’s communicating it 100%, jongin’s dance is so interactive and raw, luring. i swear to god, put the seatbelts on for this one. it’s never just him, it’s you as well. you’ve never seen this before. he’s like “yes, i meant you, i’m looking at you”:

he’s even gonna modify the choreography to point right at you to underline that very thought. he’s so good, he can learn it, ace it, epitomize it, and do his own thing anyway. even the person in the last row will get whatever point kai wants to make. this is dance that belongs on the biggest stages.

even when he films without a crowd, it’s like you’re literally standing opposite to him. he focuses on two people: his moves, and the viewer. he has it look like you made him smile and self-aware, or you made him determined. INCREDIBLE. he shows his charisma, BUT he also shows your own (!) impact on him. it’s a duet. he wants you to join him on the dancefloor. this is from exo’s call me baby mv where kai does his famous come-hither:

he flirts and he encourages. he values the audience and wants them to be confident as well. i think it’s the reason why he’s so outstanding and addictive, kai thinks beyond himself. it’s a tango he involves you in with his eyes and how he opens his body, interprets a lyric.

it’s not about imposing himself going one way. instead: he plays the back and forth ALL. THE. TIME. in any context. whether it be frivolous, or fun, or gloomy, or sweet. even with a simple little smiley wink it’s happening. and he acts like you had a reaction to it. there’s literally just a camera.

this guy’s physique, strength, elegance, feeling for the beat, character portrayal (!), and control is unbelievable. he’s destroyed it in every fancam out there. he can’t switch it off even if he tried. your eyes would go toward him in the largest group formation still. put him in the center, that’s his spot, he showcases it.

because he doesn’t just show learned moves, he makes it radiate something dynamic and animalistic (he embodies superm’s ‘tiger inside’ all the way). 

jongin’s dance says: i love this, you love this, let’s do this, the feeling is right. he makes bodies and unrestrained touch the opposite of wrong, he pronounces it a source of having fun and being instinctual. and he never breaks the tie with you throughout, and uses his shoulders and lips to put the oomph into it. 

he uses innuendo and a ‘we both know’ sentiment perfectly as an invitation rather than just going through his routine. that’s how he can make each move fascinating. you can tell kai knows exactly how to make everyone scream their lungs out. i bet somebody held their breath just reading this post already.

exo’s most famous choreo is ‘monster’ (kai focus linked) with good reason: jongin can turn himself into nothing short of a roaring beast. it’s one sharp, complex move after the other. kai can bend any gravitational law he wants to show any feeling and pose he wants. a glimpse:

now, how to spot him in general if you’re new to him? here are some pointers. kai’s execution is clean, fast, and powerful. those are two decades (!) of experience showing. kai is an all or nothing dancer, he plays no games. he treats every group and solo stage like his best and last. his work ethic is beyond words. yeah, he’s a capricorn. his style is direct as can be, working every axis.

as you can see, jongin is hard to overlook anyway: he’s a 182cm giant made of steel. he strives to acutely visualize impact in his style and it is always successful. in fact, it’s his signature. it’s like he creates invisible objects and pushes through them. boom, he just burst another bubble.

when the song gets to his part, i guarantee you won’t miss him and all the boldness and expression he brings to enrich the performance. hell... he carries it. jongin can handle the center, i’m telling you. (look how fast he rotates here)

talking features — this is what to look for when he dances in a group setting: you can recognize kai’s face by how wide, bluntly structured and sensual it is. jongin is a sight. he has such an aura, serious, sultry, and smiling alike.

with a very recognizable silhouette (like... holy hell!):

he’s very cute as well ♡ the fandom and kai himself have an adorable analogy going on. jongin calls himself a teddy/nini bear and we joined in on it. (i made a thread about it here, it talks more about his offstage life) — hence kai’s fans are called eri-gom, eris as in exo’s fanbase and gom meaning bear. 

and i mean. look at him. what an attractive guy. he’s that handsome. strong brows, teddy eyes, square jaw, swept hair, glorious lips, tan skin. 

now yes, something important concerning his appearance and a serious topic: i don’t want to list you the endless instances of colorism that kai has to endure but it has to be mentioned. jongin has been called every name in the book and people agonize him over his skin incessantly. it goes on and on and on. every day a new terrible comment about him emerges because some pitiful person thought it was funny and would elevate them. 

he’s had to deflect, ignore, reframe, defend, remotivate, assert, harden, prove, denounce, and push himself, protect his confidence, decline skin bleaching constantly, laugh along, dance and practice thrice as hard to get the respect, and still see his dignity torn to pieces all day. i’ll just give it to you straight, that’s all fucked up. kai’s skin is perfect, he’s amazing and wonderful. 

in his own words:

— exactly right. say it even louder.

having him at the bottom of every joke is weird and messed up. this man is an utter beauty and nothing has to be fixed. it is up to him to define himself rather than get called ugly for his skin’s appearance by default, and get whitewashed at every opportunity. it’s been going on for 27 years, he scrunitizes himself all the time and doesn’t look at himself fondly because he hears these beatdowns daily.

it’s heartbreaking that this happens literally with no end in sight (’kai is just a stripper!’... ‘he has bad vibes’... ‘darkest guy jongin!’). for his skin, and how he decides to show it, too. jesus christ his skin looks fantastic, end of debate. they just can’t handle him, kai couldn’t be any more immaculate.

♡

jongin has vigorously protected fans from discrimination, bullies, and shaming himself whenever it came up. in a very straightforward and deadpan manner because he knows exactly how it damages you. (”J” in the subtitles = jongin, he’s wearing the plain white top at the very back)

we need to protect and praise him that way right back. it’s important.

so, needless to say. all in for jongin getting the center stage he deserves. because he has the wow factor in every regard. kai usually opens an MV because there’s no better way to get people’s attention with that level of presence. with kai, you can’t go wrong. if you get the center in a an all star group like superm, you are the king.

being part of that presence, kai’s stage alter ego has reached levels of infamity you can’t even imagine. it’s great to see him being sovereign without apology.

and it doesn’t stop there. he shows time and again that acting, props, and commanding the audience has to be mastered to be an exceptional dancer. kai owns his sex appeal. sometimes, he even dances a portion of choreo with his eyes closed because he’s feeling it so much.

he is a pro in using his surroundings as well, superm’s stages are a glorious opportunity for kai to show how he comfortably ‘lives in’ the 3D space around him.

which makes the viewer do the same: watching kai makes you feel amazing, energized, but also serene and enjoying the moment. 

there’s always balance. it’s the magic of it. e.g. he comes along with so much impetus and decisiveness but eventually, he halts to offer himself. here i am — take me. i’m yours. closed arms, open arms. walking, kneeling. looking down, looking up.

kai goes every extra mile there ever was and makes each eye contact count. involving the audience, one grin at a time. it works. it’s about establishing contact. he connects to the onlooker with so much nuance. 

kai’s smirk is notorious and you can see why it’s so raw and real: he makes it linger. it’s such a duality since his dancing says i’ll come over, while his message is come and get me, i know what’s on your mind.

with a hilarious twist – kai expertly uses humor. you don’t get that in many dancer repertoires. i love it. all those quick expression changes. his smile! 😊 what a man.

so — what makes him so good and known: yes, his style doesn’t deny that dancing and eroticism are one in his business. that takes courage. kai has it. iconic performances have been his reward. point dance/killing part: exo’s love shot choreo. 

that suit has swept the nation. what’s more: kai shows you it’s more than just good hip movement that a good dancer needs. he does everything at once, he puts the pleasure on his face, all his limbs are following the template he chooses.

the thing is. kai couldn’t be any shyer, but when the music starts he becomes a oscar-winning madman. he emotes constantly (!) and stays in character. this is gold.

jongin always plays it up. he knows how to use that face and does a lot of power posing. this is how visceral looks like. he’s interpreted exo’s aggressive concepts to a T.

and he has so. much. fun. it propels him. on every beat.

past every hurt, heartbreak and injury, man. if you know about his genre you knew this was coming, kai does all of that with 4 herniated discs. since debut days, never recovered. every gif in this thread, he dances with a battered spine. wheelchairs, stage collapses, relapse-recovery-schedule tales, the dilemma of injuries being inevitable, limping, kai falling into depression during breaks, constant pain killers, countless tears on stage, we’ve seen it all, the extreme end of it. 

kai works out like hell to literally keep his body from falling apart. but it doesn’t help the nerves in his back that are impacted. doing choreo you can sometimes literally see the pain kicking in and he pulls himself through with force for the last minute. once you know how strained his back is, you can see it.

at the end his expression goes fuck now it’s coming when the adrenaline fades. he takes every second-pause he gets to rest but still finishes each move. even when he holds back, he keeps it together and executes each turn. sometimes, he has to restrict himself and soften his movements to protect his health (especially in hard choreographies such as lucky one which is universally disliked by exo — still jongin makes the very best of it smiling bright and dancing so hard his sleeves come off).

he frequently states he ‘dances in any case unless his legs are affected by something’. all torso injuries are fair game, this guy is hardcore. and people claim he’s just pretending. chen (a fellow exo member) says not a single part of jongin’s body is intact. he has paid every price to get this far to follow his love. he’ll step on stage with crutches. he works SO HARD.

that being said: exo being called the official nation’s group, i say kai is the nation’s dancer. period. he has had his great moment at the korean olympics flawlessly dancing in a hanbok with traditional instruments and fulfilling his dream. 

i love the tension and drama he can bring. he can also thrill with slow, vulnerable movements alike.

kai’s is called a legend, he’s all that and even more. the facial expressions alone are feared by any kai stan because they hit home. 

this guy is a sex icon and goes off like a gun, messing around was never kai’s incentive. 

while at the same time being incredibly nuanced and so, so descriptive with his movements.

point dance: baby don’t cry. yep, kai has danced in water. must-watch.

this man loves what he is doing. he said he wouldn’t regret to die on stage because dancing is his destiny. boy, it shows. this guy has found his purpose. he can tell any story he wants. he’s a complete artist.

he’s perfectly portraying his incentive and he couldn’t look any more like a god on earth.

long story short, kai is dance and motivation goals. if you dance professionally, you can easily look toward him for the right words.

if you want to further your study and knowledge: he released a self-titled solo album recently. highly recommended. he worked forever on it, and he’s really dishing it on there. you get to hear his soft voice plus sizzling footwork. and he isn’t even getting started yet. you’ll hear from kai, i promise. he constantly achieves new levels of artistic perfection.

a last remark. jongin is amazing for a myriad of reasons that go beyond what i show you here given the post focuses on his work on stage. but the point stands, while other people have tried to break him, he broke through every barricade instead and stood up for himself. we can be extremely happy to have him and witnessing his unreal dance is an exceptional pleasure. here’s to jongin continuing his passion and confidence, healing, and getting the sweeping respect and acknowledgement that is his.

[numptypylon]

Drawn Out, 3rd: Face Paint

“I want you to bring your own energy to the role,” Gren said, stepping onto the stage, positivity personified. “Rayla, you’re the fairy queen, but I know you can do those cool jumping kicks, so if you’re feeling a warrior queen kind of vibe, that’s cool! Shakespeare can be cool-”

“An assassin!” Rayla squealed, looking more excited than she had all day. “You said she could turn invisible! I could be the best assassin fairy ever! She turns invisible under the light of the full moon!” Rayla stood up, looking dramatically into the distance. “-and there’s a kinda… ‘ting’ and then-”

“I love it!” Gren said, although even his perpetual encouragement seemed to snag on the idea of an 8-and-5/6ths-year-old assassin on stage in front of lots of fussy parents. “A… nice assassin though? Right? Too sweet to… you know-”

Rayla looked slightly disappointed that there would be no on-stage killing sprees, but nodded, looking thoughtful. “Okay. Titania is a good assassin. She was bound to murder the duke, but she refused, and they’re friends now.”

“Warrior bros!!!” Soren hollered, giving Rayla a side-hug that lifted her off the ground, and rather breaking character as the esteemed Duke Theseus of Athens.

Although since he was now named, Duke “The Swoosh” anyway (because Gren thought it would be… totally radical and the kids would love it, and also, Soren had butchered pronouncing his own character’s name so many times Gren had just rolled with it) and Soren also had a ‘shirtless and flexing, 100% of the time’ interpretation of what Ancient Greece was like, Callum thought authenticity was probably dying in a ditch with the victims of the fairy assassins.

“And you didn’t even want to be in the play,” Callum laughed. “Now look at you, getting into fairy-assassin character.” He was sure glad he had been drafted for prop making rather than anything where he would have to be up there.

“You try saying no to Gren,” Rayla defended, adjusting her horns, as Soren left to ‘improve morale’ among the stage crew. “He’s so… happy. It feels wrong.”

“I know, I spent all weekend making paper mâché horns, I very obviously can’t say no to Gren, either.”

Rayla pretty much already looked like an elf or a fairy on a normal day, it shouldn’t be a surprise that she actually looked nice with plastic ivy in her hair and paper mâché horns.

So did Claudia, who was sitting down with them, but it was just a slightly different vibe, with those horns, on her. Like… fairy-chaos-demon. It fit her character, she really leaned into the chaotic, for Puck.

“Gren’s a witch,” Claudia said in explanation, very certain. “He sacrificed his hair for his powers, it’s an illusion now, that’s why it’s so red. He’s obviously evil inside, or he would tell me how to become a witch and not keep it to himself! I asked him, like… a lot-”

“You didn’t want to be in the play either?” Callum was surprised at that, Claudia seemed to be made for the stage, he didn’t think she had ever felt embarrassed in her whole life.

“Nope,” Claudia said firmly. “Wanted to do lights. I would have gotten to just shoot magic beams in Soren’s face all night. Like a witch.”

“Yeah! Like a lightning wizard! Pew-pew!” That did sound fun, Callum hadn’t thought of spotlight operator duty like that.

“’Pew-pew?! Are you crazy?!” Claudia looked so intense that Callum backed away a bit. “Obviously, it’s more like ‘whoom-sssssss’! Like a corrupted sunbeam that can set fire to people! Fire is the second-best magic. Only dark powers are cooler.”

Claudia walked away to sit a little way away, looking disgusted with his choice in magic powers. She was handling her own face paint, anyway, because she had very definite ideas about her look that involved a lot of black.

Rayla was less confident, and had brought the palette of face paint over, and was decisively handing it to him. “You’re the best drawer here,” Rayla said, which definitely wasn’t the case, because he was only almost-8, and there was an 7th grade girl here who had painted the backdrop for the stage much nicer than he could have, but Rayla had said it like she was daring him to defy it.

And she trusted him to make her look like an awesome assassin fairy before she was going up on that stage in front of everyone, even her parents who were back from Iraq for a bit.

She looked a bit bashful, when she positioned herself opposite him, and he didn’t get why until he did.

It was weird, because he didn’t do a lot of looking at her face, normally. Of course, he did, but not like this, looking at it… deliberately. It was usually more like a backdrop, something that was just kinda there and he was used to.

But now, her face was really close, and he had to really look at it, to see where the paint should go. And he was seeing all kinds of things he didn’t usually think about, like the little line of paler skin half-covered by her hair from that failed monkey bar stunt the day they met, and the tiny freckles across her nose and her big, blue-grey eyes that looked almost purple in the stage lights.

She closed her eyes, and it made it easier but also… not, that she wasn’t looking back at him anymore.

Rayla sat very still, which was extremely unusual for her, as he painted blue swooshes under her eyes and then little dots because the swooshes were too quickly finished and… he had never painted anyone’s face before and he wanted to keep going because…

It was… fun…?

No, ‘fun’ wasn’t the right word but… but whatever it was, he didn’t want it to be over in a… swoosh.

“Swoosh!” Soren’s extremely loud voice startled him out of the weird painty-trance.

“Not even ‘The Swoosh’, anymore?” Rayla asked, laughing, as she opened her eyes and broke the spell for good.

“Just ‘Swoosh’, is cleaner,” Soren said confidently. “Call me Swoosh, Duke of the Ancient Sheets.” He patted his sheet that was supposed to be a toga-thing, but it looked more like a loincloth, the way Soren had tied it “Gren approved it.”

Of course he did. Gren approved everything.

“Uh, Rayla?” Callum asked. “You wanna… get a mirror? The play’s about to start, and-“

But she shook her head, her smile pulling at the blue swooshes. “I trust you.”

———

Second installment of the tumblr drabble (this one got long though, because I wanted both Soren and Claudia in there) series, Drawn Out, following Callum’s drawings for Rayla in various mediums through grades 2nd through 7th. It’s set in the rayllum 90s grade school AU verse In the Middle which you can read more of on Ao3

[ssa-montgomery]

Rainy Day

Word Count: 2406

Summary: Meredith finds Addison standing out in the rain and takes her back to her house to warm up.

Characters: Meredith x Addison

Warnings: Fluff, rain storm, mention of divorce, angst, drinking

Day 3: Rainy Day

A/N: Went a bit more angsty with today's story! I'm not entirely confident with how this one turned out as I'm not sure I quite captured the fuzzy and romantic vibe I wanted to so this one could be taken as more of a friendship one too. The struggle of trying to write a fic all in one day I guess hahaha. Either way, whatever way you decide to interpret it I hope you enjoy!

Feedback is what motivates me to work so please let me know what you think! Reblogs are also greatly appreciated.

Taglist is open!

Masterlist

Typical Seattle weather Addison thought. It had been a gloomy day since she woke up, dark, heavy clouds hanging low over the city and the slight drizzle of rain but it was only halfway through her shift that it really started to pour down. She'd hoped it would let up by the time she was done with her shift but it hadn't, in fact, it was only getting worse. When she stepped out of the hospital the rain was coming down so hard the droplets were bouncing against the pavement and the wind was starting to howl around the building. She barely took one step out from the cover of the front door and already the wind had whipped her hair into her face and the rain was soaking through her heavy fleece coat. The awful weather felt almost fitting with how miserable Addison's mood had been all day.

The divorce with Derek was now finalized and while she knew it was for the best it also meant she was no longer welcome at the trailer and she had been left without a permanent place to stay in Seattle. Instead, she was now living in a room in the Archfield hotel, most of her belongs still packed away in boxes scattered across the floor. Right at that moment, she found herself actually missing the trailer. She never thought she would miss the trailer given how much time she had spent complaining about the awkward location and the cramped living space but she missed the experience of listening to a storm in it. Lying curled up in the bed while she listened to the calming sound of the rain hitting the metal roof. It made her feel like she had some form of normal in her life. Maybe what she was really missing was having another person around to hold her in moments like that. Staying at the Archfield made her feel even more alone and staring at the same four boring plain white walls was starting to drive her insane.  There was only so many times she could flick through the same TV channels playing the same shows night after night before it all became repetitive.

Addison was so wrapped up in her thoughts, so consumed by her feelings that it took her a moment to realise that despite the storm was still very much raging over Seattle, the rain had stopped pouring down directly on top of her. She looked over her shoulder to see Meredith Grey - who looked significantly drier than her- standing behind her with a black umbrella in her hand, sheltering them both from the downpour.

"Addison, what are you doing standing out here in the rain?" Meredith asked the slight hint of worry that laced her voice clear to Addison as she stared up at her with a questioning gaze. With the height difference between the two women, Meredith had to tilt the umbrella at an angle to ensure that they were both covered.

"Oh, I hadn't realised I was still-" Addison hesitated before she continued. She had been so distracted she genuinely hadn't realised she was still standing in the middle of the footpath. "I was just heading home. Well, "home" is now a hotel room that I'm racking up a substantial room service bill in, but you know."

She bit her lip then, not having meant to spill all her problems out into the open in front of the intern but she was one of the only people who had actually asked her about what was happening. She hadn't been given much of a chance to talk about how she had been feeling in all of this and she needed an outlet. She still didn't have many friends in Seattle that she could actually talk to and that was part of what was making her feel so alone in everything that had happened.

It wasn't until Meredith pulled her from her own thoughts that she realised exactly how cold she had become but now she brought her arms up to wrap tightly around herself in an attempt to fight off the cold. It was no use, her clothes were already soaked and she couldn't bring any new heat into her body. She could feel a shiver starting at the top of her spine that made her entire body shake.

"Clearly you're not happy about it if you'd rather freeze your ass off out here than being heading straight there," Meredith said with her usual blunt, matter of fact tone and a slight tilt of her head.

"No, can't say I'm thrilled about it," Addison admitted with a heavy sigh. It hadn't been her intention to avoid heading back to the hotel room by standing out in the open in the middle of a freezing cold storm and yet that's somehow exactly where she found herself. Perhaps it was that she hadn't realised just how much this was all really affecting her until she said it out loud.

"Why don't you come back to the house with me? I'm sure it has to be at least a slight improvement." Meredith chuckled. At first, Addison thought she was joking. She couldn't imagine any reason Meredith had to be so kind to her but she was watching her tentatively as she waited for a response.

"Oh no, I couldn't. I don't want to make your roommates uncomfortable having their boss in the house." Addison explained with a slight shake of her head. She was shocked Meredith would even offer and part of her believed it was simply a formality, just her being polite. Either way, she wouldn't want to impose on the other interns.

"Well they're all on call tonight and I honestly don't mind."

Accepting Meredith's offer felt like a bad idea and Addison knew that but there was something about the thought of spending a night in an actual house for the first time since she had arrived in Seattle. It was a comforting thought.

"Okay then, why not." Addison shrugged, finally giving in to the idea. After all, what could be so bad about it?

~~~

It was a silent drive to Meredith's house but surprisingly, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Addison was seated in the passenger's side of Meredith's car that they had taken to avoid Addison getting lost on the dark, wet roads while trying to reach the house. Addison was glad Meredith had offered to drive them as her hands had now started to become numb from the cold and she was certain she would have crashed her car had she tried to drive in this weather. The drive wasn't as long as Addison had expected it would be and they arrived at the house rather quickly. She was grateful for the short drive as her wet clothes were now starting to stick uncomfortably to her skin.

When Meredith stopped the car Addison climbed out and let her lead her up the path to the front door. She wasn't entirely sure what she had expected when it came to the house but it certainly was this. It was much bigger than she imagined and the front garden was well looked after giving it a more homely feel. She guessed the garden was due to one of her roommates - more than likely Izzie Stevens - as Meredith had never struck her as the gardening type. Meredith fumbled with the old lock for a moment before the front door swung open and she gestured for Addison to walk in ahead of her. She stepped inside and found herself standing nervously in the hallway. She wasn't entirely sure what was making her feel so nervous but she had never been in Meredith's house before and she was afraid of overstepping.

"You can leave your coat there," Meredith said pointing to a hook on the wall that already had a few coats hanging on it as she flicked on the hall lights. The bright light illuminating the hall allowed Addison to take in more of the house. "Actually on second thought, you can leave it in the laundry room to dry off quicker. I can hang it up for you."

"Thank you." Addison smiled slowly peeling her coat away from her skin before handing it over to Meredith who returned her smiled.

"The sitting room's just in there. Sit down make yourself comfortable."

Meredith disappeared down the hall leaving Addison standing alone in the hall. She took a moment to look around her at the clear signs that Meredith shared this house with the other interns. There was a shoe rack next to the door which seemed to go mostly unused as many of the shoes were simply discarded next to it and the table in the hall was piled full of mail and random miscellaneous items. It had been a long time now since Addison had a home that felt this domestic.

She made her way into the living room which maintained that oddly homely feel to Addison. The furniture in the room was old fashioned and it was clear it had all been left there by Ellis and simply hadn't been remodelled since. There were picture frames littered across the fireplace filled with childhood photos and it didn't go unnoticed by Addison that a majority of them belonged to Izzie and George rather than Meredith. Addison took a seat on the edge of the couch but she had honestly felt more comfortable standing. Her back was dead straight to avoid leaning back against the couch cushions as she was aware that her clothes were still soaked through with water and she didn't want to get Meredith's couch wet.

Meredith returned to the room and took one look at Addison's awkward position on the couch before letting out an almost pitiful sigh, her head falling slightly to the side. Addison was painfully aware of the fact that her already skin-tight dress was plastered to her skin to the point where it was starting to feel suffocating and it was near impossible to get any heat back into her body like this.

"You look freezing."

"Yeah, I am." She admitted weakly, hanging her head in her hands as she did. She felt ridiculous for letting herself get into the situation and part of her just wanted to run back to her hotel room and hide from the world.

"Well my clothes definitely won't fit you but um, I might be able to find something in Izzie's room?"Meredith offered. Her tone was surprisingly patient and Addison was still struggling to understand why she was being so kind to her.

"I'd really appreciate that." Addison nodded.

"Okay follow me." She said tilting her head towards the door before heading back out into the hall.

Meredith led Addison up a flight of stairs at the end of the hall to the second floor where the bedrooms were located. There were four bedrooms along the hall but Meredith opened the door to the first one on their left. The room was neatly decorated with pale colours and something about the whole room just screamed Izzie Stevens. Meredith walked over to a large chest of drawers and dug through it until she pulled out a pair of pale pink fluffy, winter pyjamas. Addison had to appreciate the irony of them being almost the same shade of pink as her scrubs at the hospital.

"Are these okay?" Meredith asked extending them out for Addison to see. "I think they should fit."

"Perfect." She said happily accepting them. The material was soft to the touch and Addison couldn't wait to finally change.

"Okay well you can change here or there's a bathroom at the end of the hall," Meredith explained before turning out of the room and heading back downstairs to give her some privacy.

The idea of changing in Izzie's room felt strange to Addison so instead, she opted to make her way down the hall to the bathroom. It was a relief to be finally taking off her cold, wet clothes and to be changing into something warm. The pyjamas seemed to fit her apart from being slightly too short on her legs but it wasn't a big deal. There was something about the whole experience that felt so surreal to Addison. She was certain that at any moment she would simply wake up in her hotel room alone.

Once she was dressed she folded her clothes neatly and made her way back downstairs. It took her a moment but eventually, she made her way through the kitchen and found Meredith's laundry room. She hung her dress up next to her coat and made her way through the doors that connected the kitchen and living room.

Meredith was kneeling on a plush fur rug in front of the fireplace with a lighter in her hand, attempting to light the logs inside when she walked in. She had an intense look of concentration as the flames refused to take. Finally, the logs let out a crackle as they started to burn. Meredith turned to look at Addison with a satisfied grin and then reached behind her to grab one of two glasses filled with some kind of liquid on the table.

"It's just warm whiskey. Thought it might warm you up." She said handing the glass over to her before grabbing her own and settling down in front of the fire.

"Thank you, Meredith. For all of this." Addison smiled at her sincerely as she accepted the drink.

"Of course Addison. I'm not going to leave you standing out in the cold to get hypothermia." Meredith laughed gently and smiled back at her.

Addison moved to take a seat next to Meredith on the rug and took a long sip of the drink, grateful for the heat it proved her with. They sat together in silence while they watched the fire crackle and slowly drank their whiskey but it didn't feel awkward at all. In fact, the heat that was now starting to warm Addison's body and simply the company of another person was comforting to her. She shifted closer to the fire and in turn, closer to Meredith. She glanced at the blonde and found she was already watching her. They exchanged a small smile and turned their attention back to the fire. This night had certainly turned out better than Addison could have ever expected.

Taglist: @alexander-gideon-lightwood-bane​

[player-1]

Anyone who’s been in the TMA fandom (or those who understand the bare minimum of the story) know damn well that whatever was going on with Michael D. Stortion and Gabriel/Worker-of-Clay was not just a simple Avatar/Entity partnership. No, in the twisted timeline of the Spiral itself, the Armageddon arms-race pales in comparison to the romantic tragedy subplot those two had long before Jon and Martin were in the picture.

(This is also going to be a long one, and with some MAG 101 spoilers, so buckle on in...)

Here’s what I mean:

Gabriel (or in this case, Gabe) works with Neil Lagorio (Web aligned special-effects dude) in the mid 1900′s on their first movie The Labyrinth of the Minotaur. Unfortunately for him, Gabe quits in 1972 just as the movie was released. 

Not much is known of this time after 1972 up until the dreaded sculpting class in 2004. Speculation-wise, Gabriel might have been corrupted by the Flesh during his movie-making times or earlier before he came into contact with the Spiral.

Reasons: -The Spiral connects with the unraveling of reality, question one’s sanity and eventually “spiraling” into insanity. -The Flesh, in its literal sense, connects to the fear of people or animals being killed for meat; even the appearance of flesh/bone being twisted, bent, or butchered. But it can also connect on a emotional level, such as being viewed weaker than others, mostly relating to a person’s body image. That’s also the reason why the nature of his death is completely unlike the Spiral simply letting him fade out of reality. -Gabriel displays more Flesh-like qualities in his appearance and work up until the end of MAG 126. He doesn’t want people to judge him by appearance alone (even if his entire body is made up of clay) but he makes up for it with his unassuming personality and amazing talent. In a literal sense, he wants to mold himself into the kind of person that gets praised for his clay-making abilities, not just from his creations alone.  

[Enter Ｔｈｅ　Ｄｉｓｔｏｒｔｉｏｎ: Stage Left] Of course, while there’s no evidence on how, when or why the Distortion would target him specifically, but there is one thing. Compared to all the other Spiral avatars and fear-aligned creatures, they all used to be humans in the past. The Spiral by nature is to cast aside their humanity and submit to the nature of insanity. But since most of the Spiral avatars either faded out of existence or just refused to do anything ritual-wise, how was it supposed to create a new world if all they ever do is destroy? It adopts an artist, of course. There’s nothing more chaotic than the struggles of a budding sculptor such as himself. But while that may be a convincing argument for the Spiral to get Gabriel to join the Dark Side, there could be more to convince him that it’s worth following the unknowable being of delusions. Long story short, there was no reason for Gabriel to judge himself so poorly if he knew how to reshape the world to how he sees fit. it would convince him that, like the archangel he’s named after, he could show the world the coming future; twisting the laws of reality so that there’s no room to judge how something should be right or wrong, imaginary or real.  As if they were said from the Lord himself, Gabriel heard the Distortion’s tell him about a new world and finally found inspiration in them.

Then comes the sculpting class.  It’s worth noting that, even with the angel symbolism for Michael and Gabriel, it could be implied that Gabriel is also a goody-two-shoes Christian boy who regularly attends church, as evidence of Michael having knowledge about Mass in MAG 20, assisting the Flesh in driving Father Edwin to cannibalism (so the Flesh and Spiral have an interesting partnership, huh?).  Besides that, this is where Gabriel takes the spotlight. From Deborah’s point of view, he was a strange little man from the beginning; eyes always jutted out of his face, appearing right in someone’s personal space and disappearing just as fast, and of course, his works of clay. (Also a random headcanon just because: Gabriel may be afraid of water, either because his entire body being made of clay, and since you need water to help shape the material, he does not want to get it melded into his own flesh. Could also be the reason why he has short and greasy hair, cause he would practically melt into a puddle if he was unfortunate enough to get wet.) And apart from Deborah and her friends’ growing discomfort over Gabriel in general, he’s just vibing in the back of the class, trying to make a shape for the unknowable form of the Distortion. And the second Deborah inadvertently gives him a break from his artist’s block, he quite literally takes control of the class; switching over the biweekly schedule it was before into every week, and even manipulating the space of the classroom to further support his artistic needs. 

“Ray told us the lesson was ‘faces.’ I put my hand up to say that sculpting faces was probably a bit advanced for where we were in the course, but he shook his head, and said that we were… a lot more talented than we thought. He said the key was that faces were twisted. All faces were twisted on the inside, and all you had to do was reach into the deepest part of yourself and put that twisted on the outside of the clay, and as soon as you can scream you’ll have your own face staring back at you.”  (MAG 126)

This is also the key to the Spiral itself. With Gabriel’s assistance, he will be able to let the spiral to insanity move in reverse, create the physical manifestation of that fear instead of letting it collapse and destroy itself. And in that lesson as well, Gabriel finally creates a fitting image of the Distortion...A door, the physical entrance to insanity itself.

Then comes the final stretch in Sannikov Land, the nonexistent island that was said to exist between the years 2009 and 2011. And as Michael D. Stortion explains in MAG 101, was the perfect place for their ritual, The Great Twisting. After everything Gabriel had done to appease his good “friend”, The Distortion seemed extremely invested in the Worker of Clay at that point. Nevermind the fact that its telling Jon how its identity was stolen away from Michael Shelley by merging with the Distortion, but there’s more to this origin story.

“Michael was protective of the frail old woman he believed her to be. So… so delicate, so forgetful, yet gently wise. He cared for her. He trusted her. And she fed him to me. She made him to destroy our transcendence. And she did not hesitate.” “And it was me they sought to stop. Me and the others of It-Is-Not-What-It-Is. Our Great Twisting. The-Worker-of-Clay had laboured for decades on that contorted, impossible edifice of doors… and stairs… and falsehoods… and smiles. A thousand staring morsels stood, and not one of them believed themselves sane to look upon it. And in the centre, the door that would open to all the places that were never there, was me.“ “Perhaps I should have realised what was happening; seen those two lonely figures approaching me, but I cannot tell you the existential joys of truly… becoming. Of an entireness finally crossing the threshold into your self. So ecstatic was my completeness, I did not even hear my own door creak open.“ “Even sharper than the joy of becoming is the agony of being opened and remade. To have your who torn bloody from your what, and another crudely lashed into its place. To become Michael. And to do so at such a crucial point in our Twisting, in our becoming, well of course it destroyed it. The impossible altar collapsed. The-Worker-of-Clay tore out his veins to dissolve himself in crimson mud. The others of us were cast to all the places that aren’t; some have still not found their way out again...My very existence tied to my pointlessness. Wearing my failure as the very fabric of my being. Reduced once again to feeding on the unsuspecting and confused. That is who I am.“ (MAG 101)

Even if all of this was to explain how the Distortion became the being it is in the series, it’s easy to see how overjoyed it was during the ritual. All that the Spiral ever did was bring the sense of unreality and paranoia unto people for ages, only breaking down the mind until they eventually spiral into oblivion. It wanted to be something, it wanted to make something twisted and nonsensical from the world, to shape the world itself to the nature of insanity. And after all that time, no matter how many avatars it had in its control, Gabriel was the only one who began creating the ritual. Even if it was for an ulterior motive, The Distortion was pretty giddy as Gabriel worked for years on end to create the meaning of insanity; to create something that the Distortion saw as the perfect vessel for itself. And even as it was explaining it, with all these feelings of joy and ecstasy and very human thoughts and emotions, this was before it was forced to become Michael. So much for not being bound by human nature, huh? But it’s pretty ironic that, as the embodiment of delusions, insanity and lies, it never considered the idea of having an avatar that could make something out of that chaos. Even if the Distortion was explaining how Michael-not-Michael Shelley came into being, it also can be interpreted as Michael just yearning for his best Avatar so far.  So instead of “I’m going to tell you my entire backstory.”, it’s more like “I’m going to tell you how a nosy old woman and her idiotic assistant ruined my chances to be with my Avatar of the Decade who may or may not be my boyfriend.”

In conclusion, Gabriel AKA The Worker of Clay AKA Igor with an art degree became the Hands of the Spiral because the nonbinary embodiment of delusion (who is also a door) gave a miserable struggling artist a shot of self-confidence (and a shot out of the Flesh’s control), eventually becoming its #1 Boyfriend Avatar of all time, and is the only person that would make the “hates gender and existence itself” Distortion yearn for years after his tragic death.

Takes notes people, this is what peak performance looks like.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Can you do or have you done a post about how to chart planets and other things? I wanna learn how to do it and interpret it so what posts do you recommend?

Wow so lol this is a hefty question and it’s probably going to reveal that I’m nuts cause you have to be a bit patient and determined to do this lol. (Also sorry for getting to this so late, my work has been demanding so I haven’t had much time to properly respond to this. Even now I need to get ready for work so this may seem rushed.) Before I hide the endless paragraphs of information behind a read more as to not give innocent bystanders arthritis by scrolling, I would just like to point out that charting planets is cool if you want to figure out Lunar aspects, work with asteroids that may go unnoticed since they are more personal influences, or channel the dwarf planets like Ceres which still has important influences over our lives. Otherwise for the main planets and celestial bodies, there are a lot of apps and sites out there. Some helpful apps are like time passages, a lot of people like co-star and Time Nomad. 

Some things to be aware of while charting planets:

You should know each Zodiac sign well and their characteristics. 

1. Google the zodiac signs, 

2. What are Zodiac Qualites: Cardinal, Fixed, Mutable - which helps make sense with aspects later. 

3. Zodiac elements like Fire + Air being “active” and Earth + Water being “passive”

You should know each Planetary influence well like what each Celestial Body represents

You need to know the 5 Major aspects.

Minor aspects can mostly be helpful with natal charts, the same way asteroids can be really personal. But the quintile/biquintile can be helpful for unlocking magic but that’s another rabbit hole, and best to use in relation to your personal horoscope.

Aspects tend to be categorized by good and bad which is annoying and unhelpful to look at anything in astrology like that but I like to think of them as either more relaxed or confrontational. In case you may find my personal explanation below a bit confusing here is a general breakdown of the 5 major aspects.

My breakdown: You can think of the aspects as passive and active too but sometimes that can be vague and it's oversimplification can lead to assumptions that don't always work, so I made this grid where you can still see the 'passive' and 'active' qualities but more fleshed out:

So I put Active and Reflective. The Active side likes when you take action and you will start to see some positive results coming from it. The Reflective side can demand your attention and needs you to think about whatever they may be bringing up for you, whether it's epiphanies or challenges. Positive things come from reflecting, broadening your perspective or planning from these. Then there is the 'Ambient' and 'Urgent' line which describes how well you will notice these aspects influencing your life. Ambient means the vibe of the aspect just lurks in the background and you may notice it's presence but honestly it doesn't really demand that you do anything about it vs Urgent makes you feel a push to do something about it.

Starting from the Urgent side (right) we have Sextile (when planets are 60 degrees apart) which likes Action and then Square (90 degrees apart) which likes Reflection. You will often feel these influences on your life in little ways like a sextile will make you want to put the two planetary energies together and make it work, like a match meeting friction. There's a spark and it allows for a positive push to get the two planets to work together. A square’s flow of energy feels like the opposite. Instead of a harmonious push wanting the two planets to work well together it creates tension. It's like trying to jam a circle block into a triangle square, or a traffic jam from two intersections. Something isn't fitting right but because of this lack of harmony you feel the discomfort and often feel inclined to do something about it. Since the energy is not as harmonious, taking action now will only lead to further frustration. However reflecting during intense square transits can lead to excellent planning and sometimes incredible resolutions.

From the Ambient side (left) we have the Trine (120 degrees) and Opposite (180 degrees). I thought of 'Ambient' being the appropriate word cause you will sort of notice these aspects but they are just kind of a vibe in the background. They don't take up your immediate energy or attention like the urgent aspects. The worst offender for me is the Trine which brings benefits and abundance if you take action on it, but it's so chill and harmonious, most people tend to not notice it's passing. However if you mark when planets are doing positive trines or when the Moon trining the sun (waxing gibbous or disseminating moon), you will notice if you do positive magic based on the elements of those planets (for example a positive trine with Venus and Mars for love/sex magic) you will reap great benefits. However Trines will pass you by with their tranquil vibe that they are infuriatingly easy to miss. 

Side note: in a way I feel like Trines and Squares seem more opposite in our reaction to their energies cause Squares make you feel like you MUST DO something RIGHT NOW cause of the attention they are forcing you to give and sometimes the tension or discomfort but it's really not a time to do anything but just plan on changing your ways or creating a strategy. Where as Trines bring luck if you do something during it, but they are so relaxed you hardly notice them passing by. 

Then there is oppositions. A classic example of an opposition is the full moon. It is generally ambient but it may cause you to reflect on external circumstances or whatever the opposites the planets are reflecting. Often you are met with choices which you must reflect on or find ways to bridge the middle ground between the two opposing forces. This energy can also bring tension as well but it's generally more of a vibe that you can take your time with self reflection and exploring choices rather than the urgent feeling that squares bring.

Lastly there is Conjunction! That is in the middle of the grid cause it's a bit of a wild card. Conjunctions are when two celestial bodies are in the same place in the chart so their energies fuse! It really depends on which planetary body it is and if those planetary bodies are aspecting anything else but often the energies are blended. For example lets say it's a day when the Sun is conjunct Mars, the day may feel energetic, full of confrontation, potentially challenging, heated, but exciting. If the Sun was conjunct Neptune the day may feel very dreamy, ungrounded, hard to get work done, wonderful for escapism and creativity.

To make some examples of the five major aspects I can do like the Sun and Saturn for example:

Note: though Astrology King can be a bit gendered in it's approach (yes sometimes people shove gender into astrology too lol) and can see astrology from a bit more of a classic old school perspective, I like looking up their aspects between planets cause it can be pretty helpful.

Sun trine Saturn: (Ambient vibe that likes Action), There is great benefits today with focusing on responsibilities and tasks. If you took the time today to work on your task list or any important things that have to be completed you will find you can complete them with ease and have more of a sense of maturity.

Sun Sextile Saturn: (Urgent vibe that likes Action), The theme today will revolve around things that need to get done or your work, but you will feel fulfilled in accomplishing them. You will feel motivated to focus on these responsibilities and get a lot of work done.

Sun Conjunct Saturn: (Fusion of the two celestial energies), The overall energy today will feel slow paced, restrictive and heavy. Everything may feel like a chore, the theme of work or things you have to do may consume the day.

Sun Opposite Saturn: (Ambient vibe that likes Reflection), You may feel restricted by external obstacles causing blocks and limitations or responsibilities/tasks which you cannot move past until they are confronted. You need to figure out how to either bring the two energies together by addressing these limitations by your will power (the sun's influence) or make a choice on how to deal with these issues and figure out what you will prioritize in this time.

Sun Square Saturn: (Urgent Vibe that likes Reflection), This incredibly tense transit will make you feel bound, restricted and suffocated by your current job, responsibilities, tasks, obstacles or any adversity in your life. Time will feel much slower like when you watch the clock oozing by hours away from when the dreaded class you want to escape would finally end. You may feel the urgent need to break free but it will cause further restrictions. It's a good time to reflect on these responsibilities and create a plan of action on how to address them moving forward.

OK once you are comfortable with this info then you can get into the very ridiculous task I enjoy doing which is busting open an ephemeris (a calculator for celestial bodies including asteroids etc.) and Charting them! :) I love Serennu as it's pretty helpful.

First pick a time frame. (Lets say August)

Then a celestial body you want to chart. (Let's say Ceres)

Note: A lot of major celestial bodies are already charted since a lot of Astrologers pay attention to them so it may be a lot of needless work doing something like charting Venus or the Sun when you can find that info here or on apps like co-star and Time Passages. The moon sometimes does not get charted as much other than caring about it's aspects to the sun but lunar aspects lasts for like 2 hours sometimes so it depends on how important that is to you or if you are planning a spell in that hour.

1. Bust out a little Notepad on your computer. Write on it August 1st 2020 at 23:59. Then the planets you want to keep track of in order to relate the planet you are charting to it.

2. So find: (using Ctrl + F)

Sun Mercury Venus Mars Jupiter Saturn Chiron Uranus Neptune Pluto

Also look up Ceres during this date.

3. Once you are complete, jump to August 31st 2020 23:59 and do the same.

4. Then focus on Ceres, the planet you are charting. Notice if there are any differences between the first of August and the end. Did it change signs? Leave retrograde? etc. If you've noticed it changed signs, narrow the time down to when. I like to first look at the middle of the month (August 16th) and if it was still in the same sign from August 1st, I know the change is inbetween the 16th-31st. So then I jump in the middle of those dates, August 24th. If it's still in the same sign for example then I know it's in between the 24th-31st etc. etc. I keep doing it in the middle and then dividing time through that. Once I narrow down the time change then it's easy to see which day it was and I jot that down to the chart.

5. Now for the very extra fun part :) figuring out the aspects!

I mean don't worry it's simple matching most of the time. Sextiles are just when they are 60 degrees apart and this is easy to remember cause you just have to think about complimentary elements like fire + air signs and water + earth signs (It's essentially matching the two Active and Passive elements). If Ceres for example is in a water sign, just look for the planets that are in an earth sign, and if both of their degrees are the same number then they are sextiling.

Trines are when they are in the same element and same degree.

Conjunct is literally they are in the same place. So same sign, same degree.

Squares are same quality so cardinal, fixed and mutable but same degree.

The only one that uses math which is simple subtraction is Oppositions. If two celestial bodies are in opposite signs they only make an opposition if the degrees are mirroring each other. You find this out by subtracting the planet you are charting degree from 30. So if you are like: ooh I noticed Ceres is in the opposite sign from, lets say mercury for example, and you subtract Ceres's degree from 30, if that number matches up to Mercury's degree then they are opposite.

6. Organization: So it's a lot of information but one way I like to do this is by doing the celestial bodies charts (the 11 celestial bodies I've listed above along with Ceres) weekly (Like each Saturday at 23:59) and then color coding them based on element and qualities. Fire is reds, Air is grays/yellows, Earth Green, Water Blue. Cardinal is neon/bright colors, Fixed is dark, mutable is tertiary-adjacent. I mean this may seem complicated so find your own system lol but I am a visual person so it helps me to see the visual color change and see which planet is where and their energetic correspondence.

7. THEN I make a list with Ceres again. It's just the five aspects- Conjunct, Opposite, Square, Sextile, Trine; and I scan through the week and say -Is there any Conjuncts with Ceres this week? Any Squares? Any Trines? Etc. In general weekly overviews you can see when these aspects will happen. After filling out the chart you can go back and narrow down on Serennu which day it will happen.

---------------------------

Yes I know I am wild for doing all of this. It's usually only relevant for minor celestial bodies or TNOs that not many people pay attention to, but I find Ceres and Chiron important to pay attention to (I count Chiron as an important astrological presence like the other planets) and you can work with asteroids for self exploration and working with Eros really helped me with some stuff so that's why I do it. Also Lunar transits are great for spell work and you can do a smaller version of this just weekly just to figure out the moon's transits, but you gotta chart the moon daily cause it moves fast.

It was a lot! Let me know if you have any additional questions. <3

[triplelutzmoreliketriplecry]

knats 2020 mindspill

This nats, despite being comparatively well-known for a smaller federation’s nationals, DID NOT STREAM OUTSIDE OF KOREA. WHY. So my viewing of the nats was a bit weirder and different; thank YouTube for posting skates. I missed a bunch of skates but I watched quite a few as well.

WOMENS

Yelim Kim (김예림) 🥉

HER JUMPS MAN. HER JUMPS. Honestly I don’t even know why she doesn’t get +5s for all her clean jumps (aside from lacking more complex transitions and lessening the load time) because the way time seems to slow whenever she jumps??? the delay in rotation??? the clean edges?????? the flow?!?!!!!!!! she truly is a technical badass. Her “performance” skills have been critiqued in the past—which lead to the creation of her Love Story FS—but her short really sells what Yelim does best: dark and dramatic. Her movements and eye contact really help continue to chilling feel created from Natalie Portman’s opening monologue. Her Love Story FS—I hate it. Nothing on Yelim, just that the cover of the song is bad and typically Korean (coming from a korean myself), the choreo is nothing special, the song is ever so repetitive...even the Godfather would be a better choice. The program is clearly not to my taste, but Yelim does do her best (her jumps perfect, and she’s worked with Kim Yuna to perfect her performance skills!) with what she’s got. Also her Black Swan dress? Beautiful. It looks heartbreaking and enhances her balletic beauty in a way that feels very uptight (the turtleneck collar) which really relates to the theme of the movie.

Haein Lee (이해인)🥈

SHE SLAYED!!! How many times has her Firedance FS been clean??? How is someone so consistent??? Her triple lutz could use improvement but her triple loop is a thing of beauty (if it weren’t for transitions she deserves +5) and her step sequence has made this FS my favourite out of the ladies this season. The dress is fabulous, her interpretation and performance skills are perfect—nothing more I can wish from her in Firedance! Program fits her like a glove. Her Nocturne? Uh. I don’t like it. It’s boring, the dress is nice but I have an intense hatred for sweetheart cut fronts or whatever they’re called. She’s stated she’s trying a new genre that’s more mature with the program but I feel like this genre of overplayed Nocturnes can stop. Please. Either way, a beautifully well deserved silver!!!

You Young (유영)🥇

SHE LANDED THE 3A!! It’s been troubling her ever since CoC and I’m glad to see it’s back with her. Although it didn’t work as well for her in the free, I’m confident she’ll bring this killer energy to Lausanne, 4CC, and Worlds (jesus KSU last year it was Junhwan this year it’s Young??? please be kinder to your own skaters). Her Evita dress is amazingly beautiful and one of my favourite dresses ever but her program doesn’t really do much for me. It has good choreo then empty choreo—leaves me confused. (Of course this is just my opinion lol). Her skating in her RnJ short is remarkably fitting to the music, being more spastic and frantic while keeping her grace (exhibited amazingly above) and the section with the (midi?) violins has the best choreo. However both programs seem to not have enough progression throughout, which was a problem I have had with almost all of Young’s programs. This is not her fault and she takes all her programs in stride, executing them beautifully! However the choreo could use some more content to make the program feel more whole.

Honourable Mentions:

- Jihun To’s Ashes SP is also one of my favourite lyrical SPs of the season. The dress, the choreo, it’s all so perfect!

- Eunsoo ;(( She’s been having a rough season but I’m very sure she’ll recover. Her performance quality has not lost a single drop of its quality!!

MENS

June-Hyeong Lee (이준형) 🥉

This was definitely a loss for him. Korean Men’s field is small and most people that get medals stay with their medals for a while, then get pushed down slowly until they don’t podium anymore. After his SP June-Hyeong seemed tense and worried, and the two falls on his FS definitely didn’t help. He’s always been a performer though—and it helped him recover quick after the first minute of the FS. His FS has some of the best and most creative choreo I’ve ever seen and his speed, his edges are very consistent and beautiful. He’s one of those skaters I would gladly watch skate without any jumps! His SP however seems off. It’s almost too chock-full with choreo. While he performs his program amazingly, I feel like he should take some time to hold lines and edges—he’s so full of choreo often in his programs and this takes out from the viewing experience. It’s always better to have more choreo than less, though, and I applaud him! He seemed pretty stuck on the flip though—he did it again during the celebration ceremony twice as if he felt discontent. Costume for the FS was beautiful and fit the music very well (elegance and simplicity mixed in with some whimsical flair provided by the velvet) but the SP one was a bit plain. Overall a hard fight done well!!

Sihyeong Lee (이시형)🥈

SIHYEONG!! FIRST SILVER AT NATS!! His performances were very exquisite aside from the turn out on the 3A in his SP. I’m very VERY fond of his SP music since usually that’s the type of piano music I tend to enjoy more (Ludovico Einaudi vibes anyone?)—aaand that’s because it’s Max Richter. Fucking love that man. His choreo for his SP is perfect and really sells the buildup, and his triple jumps are almost Yelim-level quality—amazing height, very slight delay in certain jumps! His posture in his FS was a bit off, and I was scared he was going to lean too far and fall quite often throughout the program. As well, his skating gets a little slow at times. His FS was definitely nice and the costume makes his legs look three times the length of his torso. WOW he’s tall. I’m amazed his jumps are that nice at his height! A well deserved silver for Sihyeong definitely.

Cha Junhwan (차준환)🥇

FIRST CLEAN FS SINCE IL POSTINO. SECOND CLEAN SP OF THE SEASON. HE’S OVERCOMING HIS SLUMP Y’ALL. His quad toe looks much better and controlled (a hint of delay I see? but that might be because of the way I count rotations in jumps) and his quad sal has stopped having a rug pulled out from under him. Again, I prefer his quad toe to his quad sal because he actually rotates his quad toe more times than he rotates his quad sal, the jump he does almost 3x more frequently. However his quad sal is always a thing of controlled beauty aside from the ur problems! His 3Lz is also actually an outside edge now!!! (Sometimes; it’s quite shallow) His programs have definitely grown on him and his performance quality keeps going up and up every time he performs it. Ina Bauer, step sequence—everything went perfectly for him! I’m so proud :)

funniest moments of knats | cutest moments

[lunerbean]

Witch Tips 19

Here are my latest #10tips tips from my witch tips series! If you want to see the previous posts, check out the #10tips tag on my blog. If you'd like to see future posts, please follow for more!

1. Here's a grounding meditation

Grounding is a very important practice in witchcraft. And not only that, it can help relieve stress, calm anxiety, and help you stop disassociating. This can be done on its own, or with the aid of crystals. It can be done anywhere, at any time, or you can cast a circle first. Here's what you do:

Find a place to sit down. It doesn't have to be a quite place, in fact it's better if theres a little noise when you do this. Sit on the ground with your back against a wall, a boulder, a tree, etc. Just something that will give you support. Close your eyes and practice deep, slow breaths. Inhale and exhale. As you do so, feel the air going into your lungs, and out of your nose. Focus on how it tickles or how cold it is. Feel it fill up your lungs and then escape them. Next, focus on the noises you hear. Take note of the wind, or the cars, or the voices. Maybe there are animals nearby, or maybe it's raining outside. Take note of them, but do not fear them. A witch is more powerful than the things around them. Feel your back, pressed up again whatever you may be leaning on. Feel your bottom on the ground. Your hands, wherever they may be. Take another deep breath and open your eyes. You are grounded. You are connected.

2. Name succulents after your desires to nurture them.

This is a sweet little bit of green witchcraft. Simply get some succulents, or really any potted plants will do, and name them after things you want to nurture in your life. Happiness, love, prosperity, etc are some great options. Everytime you care for the plant, you're caring for that piece of your life.

3. Customize spells to better connect with them

Now, you really must be careful with this one. Changing certain ingredients can change the result of a spell. For example, you probably shouldn't use a banishing candle when trying to invoke something. However, every spell can be altered to better fit the witches needs. You may feel that a shower spell would be better for you in the rain than in the shower. That's perfectly fine! Or perhaps you'd rather not use a certain ingredient because you're vegan or you're allergic to it. By all means, find alternatives! You can even swap out certain crystals with similar properties if you connect better with one over the other (or if you don't have any of the first type) don't be afraid to change it up!

4. A simple spell for when you feel an anxiety attack coming on

Spells like this have to be simple. You don't have time to grab candles or crystals or even cast a circle. Simply sit where you are, and follow these steps.

Inhale slowly before each line, exhale as you say the words:

"I am full of peace, I am relaxed.

I am impervious to anxiety attacks.

Everything is going just fine.

I am in control, my mood is mine.

My mind is still,

This is my will."

Repeat as necessary.

Don't worry if you get the words out before you finish exhaling, you can simple finish the line and then let the rest of the air flow out slowly before inhaling again.

Sidenote: this is technically a montra, not a spell per say, but I prefer to call it a spell. Idk that's just me.

5. You can make your own incense burners

Store bought is fine, but why not be thrifty? Plus, you can make one out of damn near anything. Here's a cute and simple way to make your own:

Start with some sort of open container. It can be a bowl, a Mason jar, a soap dish, an old butter container, anything works. It's best to figure out which type of incense you prefer to use, cones or sticks? That will determine the depth and length needed for your holder. Make sure it's deep enough for a stick to stand up in and long enough to catch the ashes.

Next, choose your filling. You can use coarse salt, rice, river rocks, aquarium rocks, anything you want that's small and plentiful.

Customize the container with paints or Clay or anything you can imagine.

And you're done! That's it. Let's get creative!

6. You can use pill containers to store herbs and other things

You know those 7 day pill organizers? Yeah, those. You can use those to store small amounts of herbs. Whether you're running low on one and want to use the bigger container for something else, or you just want to have more storage space, pill containers are great. Take them on trips when you don't want to bring your own cabinet, but you still want to do witchcraft.

7. You can also use single pill containers in place of sachets

I've seen some super cute one-dose pill containers out there. You can use them in place of sachets! Simply get tiny crystals, a small amount of herbs, and whatever else you need, and put them in the container. Then you can stick the container anywhere! Great for broom closet witches or anyone who just likes to use spell bags that are a bit more hardy.

8. Make spell ornaments for your tree

I know it's 11 months away from the holiday season when I'm writing this, but listen. This post will very likely still exist next December and I want you to be prepared, okay? Plus, there is literally no law in the world preventing you from putting ornaments on trees in your yard or potted plants in your house all year around. It's not illegal and it's super cute.

Get one of those clear bobbles that they sell around the holiday season that are meant for you to fill them with things. Then fill it with herbs, crystals if they'll fit, some drops of essential oils, ribbons with colors corresponding to your intent. Anything you want. Seal it with magick and then seal the bobble. Stick it on a tree and you're good to go!

9. A miniature cauldron can have many uses

These tiny little cauldrons can be found in witch shops, in Spencer's Gifts, and even in Target (around halloween) and I'm sure there are loads of other places as well, so keep an eye out. It should be made from a good material, iron, pewter, some kind of metal.

You can place these on your altar or in your workspace. They can be used for incense cones, single dose potions, herb mixing, as candle holders, for hiding items, storage for matches, and endless other things you may want to use them for!

10. Your energy may not be compatible with another witches, and that's okay!

This is something that used to really worry me. I've met many witches since I began the practice, and a few times I've gotten weird feelings from them. They weren't necessarily bad feelings, but my anxiety would interpret it that way. I would get worried that they had bad intentions or that they hated me. In reality, our energies just didn't connect well. It's pretty normal. In fact, it can happen with anyone, not just witches. You may feel it more strongly around those who are more in tune with their own energies, which is why you may feel weird around other witches sometimes. Don't worry. For every witch you don't connect with, there are probably dozens that you will feel great around! Don't pressure yourself to hang out with people you don't vibe with, just because you have similar interests or beliefs. It's going to be fine.

Thanks so much for reading my latest witch tips! I appreciate it so much! If you have any questions or just want to say hi, please feel free to send an ask my way anytime.

Have a magickal day!

[candyheartharry]

Fall Apart - Part 1

Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!! Sorry it took me literally ages to even get the first part written, but she’s here, and she’s ready, and she has a growing playlist for the whole series which you can listen to here if you know a song that fits the vibe send it my way so I can add it to the list ✨Once again thank you to the lovely @yessii-i for the request that started it all and @calssunflower who was kind enough to ask to be tagged, you’re both gems thanks for the love 💘(also if you wanna be tagged in upcoming parts of the series just let me know!!) PART II

You read somewhere once that whenever you meet someone new, there’s either and instant connection or an instant disconnection, but never really believed it fully until the day you met him. You’d heard of him before, both in his career and in his personal life, due to the fact you both shared friends who worked together, so in a way everything was almost inevitable.

After the initial first time meeting him, he soon turned into the person who kept showing up everywhere. You had gone from only ever hearing about him through people you both knew, to as soon as you were both properly introduce you were suddenly seeing him nearly every time you turned around. It started with the realization he had stepped in line behind you at the grocery store, where he gave a quick, “Oh, hi, nice to see you,” after only just meeting him the night before. Then a quick hello again at a party at a friend’s house where you both spent the evening with different groups of people and only saw each other for a second in the kitchen. Once again in passing as you’re walking across the parking lot into a bookstore, and he’s walking back to his car the next row over with his most recent purchase tucked under this arm and an iced coffee in his hand that he uses to wave at you with after you get his attention by calling his name. There was once you both had the chance to say hello as you held the door open for him and his friends as you were on your way home for the night from a showing your friend had at an art gallery in town, but it only ever just seemed to be ‘hello’ and nothing more. It had almost turned into an unspoken game between the two of you, how long would it take to accidentally run into each other in this town that shouldn’t feel so small.

“I’m pretty sure this is like, the sixteenth time we’ve ran into each other in the past two weeks, I promise I’m not stalking you,” you suddenly hear a voice say while you’re sitting by yourself in the café of the bookstore you both evidently frequented, drawing your attention away from the book you were reading. Who else would it be standing beside your table, but Calum, with an iced coffee much like before and another book tucked under his arm.

“Don’t worry about it, if you were stalking me I feel like you’d be less obvious about it,” you say with a smile which he returned just as quickly. Even though you had really only ever been introduced once, and the most you had said to each other was general pleasantries to say hi and be polite, something drew you to ask him to stay so you could actually have a conversation with him for once. “Would you like to sit, or are you on your way out?” you ask, nodding to the empty chair across from you. He hesitates for a moment, “Are you sure, I don’t mean to bother you and interrupt.” You push the chair out from under the table a little with your foot, “If it was a bother, I wouldn’t suggest.”

He gently smiles and takes the seat while he sets his coffee on the table as you use your receipt to mark your place in the book and leave it closed in front of you. As you do so, his eyes are drawn to the cover, and half a smile finds its way across his face.

“I swear to god, I am not stalking you,” he says with a laugh, taking his own book out from under his arm and placing it in front of him on the table like yours.

“Oh my god, did we just buy the same book? Why are you buying a book on dream interpretation?” you reply, starting to laugh yourself.

“It seemed interesting! Why are you buying a book about dream interpretation?” he replies with a smile, shrugging his shoulders in defense.

“If I’m being honest, I had a dream an ex of mine was engaged and I wanted to know why it bothered me since I literally haven’t wanted to speak to him for the better half of two years now. Honestly, I’d rather have dreams about my teeth falling out,” you reply before taking a sip from your bottle of water.

“Well, if I have any weird dreams you’re now the first person I’m gonna have to tell about them,” he says, mirroring your actions and reaching for his own coffee.

It was casual, and really just meant to be part of the conversation, but something behind it felt a little like a promise.

Eventually over the next few months, accidentally running into each other had turned into planning to see each other, whether that meant texting to check in to see that the other was going to also be attending a mutual friend’s party, offering to drop off something for lunch to the other’s workplace when one of you didn’t have enough time to go out during a break, or deciding to join them on a late night drive through run when suddenly it was almost 1:00 AM and French fries sounded like the best thing in the world. It was one of these late night conversations centered around a paper bag full of fries, two milkshakes, and the largest strawberry lemonade you could get your hands on that you think you really became friends with him.

“Do you need to go home soon? If you’re tired I can drop you off,” he asks during one pause in the conversation.

“No, I’m fine, unless you’re getting tired, then I don’t mind going home if you need to leave,” you reply, noticing the clock in his car is reading closer to 2:30 AM than you realized, but he shakes his head.

“Honestly, I haven’t consistently gone to sleep at a reasonable hour for probably like, two or three years now. I usually just chill in my backyard, maybe try to work on a song or something. I’ve tried just about every herbal tea I can get my hands on and I tried reading until I got tired, but then I was just finishing a bunch of books and still never really sleeping,” he continues.

“So now you just secretly want to throw off my sleep schedule, too, so you can have someone to talk to when you’re up all hours of the night, right?” you joke with him, to which he shrugs.

“I mean I’m not gonna lie, if you’re already awake it’s convenient, but it’s not like it’s intentional or anything,” he replies.

In the quiet darkness of his car, it’s easy to get caught up looking at him; how he absentmindedly nods his head with the beat of whatever songs play off his phone, how he’s angled just ever so slightly in the driver’s seat to be turned just a little towards you, how his elbow is almost touching your knee as a result of the way your legs are folded up in your seat. If you had noticed at the right times in the conversation, you would’ve noticed he’d been looking at you the same way, taking in how he thought your features looked nice in the distant glow of the streetlight across the parking lot, how you keep your hands folded around your bended knee when you aren’t eating, the way you always look up when a car passes by. Maybe he was thinking that falling asleep next to you might help him sleep for once, but maybe that was something he was trying to push out of his mind since the idea interrupted his train of thought during the conversation earlier.

“Did I ever tell you why I moved out here in the first place?” you say after finishing up your strawberry lemonade, unknowingly interrupt his thinking.

“No, I don’t think so, as far as I know you were always just here,” he says.

“I was feeling really stuck is probably the best way to put it. I was feeling like if I didn’t change something soon, I was going to be stuck doing the same thing, in the same place, with the same people I had always been stuck with for the rest of my life. It was just an overwhelming feeling that ‘something’s gotta give’ you know? So I quit my stable job, broke up with my stable boyfriend, and within a month I was out here, without a single person I knew,” you told him. For some reason tonight you were feeling a little lost in nostalgia, and couldn’t quite put your finger on why.

You had been looking out the passenger window as you were telling him this, and you still don’t really know why you started saying it in the first place, but when you look over you meet his eyes. You could see in his face he knew the feeling you meant, when everything should be fine, but nothing seemed to feel right.

“Sometimes you’ve just got to fall apart before you can fall back together, I think,” he says after a moment. There was a sincerity behind it that told you he was in the falling back together of his own story, and maybe that he was willing to be part of the falling back together in your own.

“I’m sorry, I made this weird,” you reply, breaking his gaze to look back out the window, the eye contact suddenly becoming too much for you.

“Hey,” he says in a gentle voice to encourage you to look back at him. Once you do, he continues. “It’s not weird to tell your friends about something that’s not superficial. Usually I’m the one who keeps to myself whenever some deep shit’s on my mind.”

“Wow, imagine that, Calum Hood: having deep shit on his mind that he won’t share with anyone,” you tease lightheartedly to bring some life back to the mood before it gets too deeply rooted in suddenly being complex and emotional, and just as according to your plan, this makes him laugh.

“Hey! I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am innocent in this situation, I have done nothing wrong,” he replies in his defense. You can’t help but notice the way his eyes crinkled and his whole face lit up when he laughed is a look you haven’t seen from him before, but it’s quickly a look you want to see again. And again, and again, and again.

“So is this boyfriend you broke up with the same one you had a dream got engaged, or is that somebody different?” he asks to change the subject as he reaches for more fries from the shared bag between you, sensing it was getting a little too close to being about himself for his liking.

“No, it’s the same one. Which is why I was so confused in the first place that the dream bothered me so much, like I’m the one who left him, so why did this dream make me start second guessing myself?” you replied, “Like I genuinely haven’t kept up with him since I moved out here, but all the sudden I was worried I made the wrong choice, which didn’t make sense to me. I mean, I haven’t dated anybody since then, so even though I was emotionally checked out of the relationship for a while, does part of my subconscious or something still think it was too risky of a move to just call it off like that?”

He’s silent for a moment, because in all honesty, he’s just not too sure what to say.

“I’m very much over it, but I also very much think love sucks,” you say breaking the silence.

“That’s a statement I can get behind,” he starts after a sip of his milkshake, “I avoid it at all costs.”

“Maybe I should do the same, then I wouldn’t be so fucking confused further down the line,” you reply. “You don’t have to get into it on why you think love sucks, I’m just glad we can both agree it needs to be avoided at all costs.” What you told him wasn’t entirely true. Somewhere deep down behind the layers and layers of walls you had built up, you knew you would always be a little bit of a hopeless romantic, it might just take some time before you felt like you were ready to let that back to the surface again. You didn’t know it, but Calum was the same way, even if he didn’t let on that he was. Sometimes people are drawn to each other and instantly have a connection, and in this case that connection was over how to live with a broken heart. His idea of living with it was pretending it wasn’t broken, and yours was realizing it was and embracing all the broken pieces.

“Like I said: I avoid it at all costs.”

[chthonicdaughter]

Grounding and Shielding for Energy Workers and Empaths

When I first had any inkling of what I could do, my best friend picked up a book and gave it to me. She told me before we went any further I needed to know how to ground and shield. I feel a grounding and shielding guide would be helpful to have floating around, even for my own references.��

Grounding as it was explained to me is not quite what I see most witches describing it as. To me Grounding is done first, before everything else you Ground then you can Shield and go about your day.

So Grounding. We want to Ground as early in the day as we can to set ourselves up to have a clean slate. I used to use my morning commute to Ground myself. (Yes, you can ground on a moving train or bus it just takes a little more concentration.) I would often do it at the train station, waiting to get on my train. Grounding is essentially giving your energy to the Earth and receiving it's clean energy in return.

I used use bright gold energy, now it's a glittery black but that has more to do with my deities than anything else. Find what fits for you, you see hot pink, go with it, you see green and silver, go with it. The important aspect is the consistency. It should flow freely and like energy, not sludgy and slow-moving. It shouldn't have imperfections to the colour. If it does, then all the more reason to be grounding.

Picture a cord or root system flowing from your lower abdomen and down into the ground. It can spread from both feet like a tree's root system too. We want to focus on going deep into the Earth. 

For every exhale we dive our energy deeper. 

On our inhale we will draw up in a separate conduit the clean, pure energy of the Earth. 

We give our impurities and struggles down to the earth and let it transform it into pure, clean energy for the day. 

Exhale dive down to the core of the earth. Inhale bring that fire and life into your own soul.

Now, if that's too much earthly and chthonic energy for you, you can add a conduit to the sun. I usually recommend this second but I am chthonic so the upper atmosphere makes me dizzy and uncentred. 

We do the same but opposite. As we exhale the energy streams from the crown of our head and shoots like a beam into the sky. We beam all the way to the sun, wrapping our energy into the bright light and bringing pure light energy back down and into ourselves.

Now we have a connection open to the earth and the sun, we have somewhere to put all the excess emapthy energy we absorb! Feeling that person's anxiety behind you in an exam, feed it down to the earth to transmute. Feeling nauseous because you're trapped in the car with your incredibly hungover sister-in-law, down into the earth it goes. (Yup, it really happened.)

So! We have new, fresh clean energy and a place to put the unwanted energy we receive. How about we work on keeping that unwanted energy at arms length so we can focus on our own emotions and needs? Bring on the Shielding!

Shielding is what it sounds like exactly. We create a Shield between us and the world. Using the new, fresh energy from the earth and sun we create a barrier for ourselves. Shields are malleable. You can make them fit what feels right for you. I'll list some basic examples here (There is also this amazing post here I've reblogged before by @sopherielspeaks), but experiment with what fits right for you and is the most effective.

Bubble Shields: The most basic, simply a bubble of energy with your intent in it. Picture a large egg-like bubble encasing you and protecting you. You can charge it to "Let in only good intentions and vibes", or "Nothing but strictly necessary external energy". Bubble shields can be any colour that resonates with your intent. A friend of mine used black dragon scales being washed with water (needless to say nothing got in to her).

Reflection Shields: A little more advanced, require a bit more energy and regular maintenance. Reflection shields are mirror-like shields, either a box or bubble or a second skin, that reflects back any energy that comes your way. If you work in a particularly vicious office or workplace a reflection shield might be helpful to give back whatever ill-intent is being heaped on you. They need to be rechecked often and maintained with energy throughout the day, at least for the first month or so of using them.

Elemental Shields: I mentioned the water in my friends shield before, you can create a shield of an elemental force. Anything you so choose, any combination you feel most powerful for you. Fire in your self, then Earth to encase you solidly, Air in a cyclone around that and Water washing over the whole thing. Mix it up, bring in vines and thorns if you're feeling attacked, bring in ice if it resonates with you.

An extra note on shields: When I began I used a simple bubble shield. I was so used to feeling everyone's everything I didn't want to lose my ability to see through lies and notice the emotions of people I love. I felt it was an asset that I could feel the truth of people. So my shield protected me from being overwhelmed but still let energy through for me to interpret. This can be a nice idea, but if you're still being constantly bombarded and feeling ill from energy then you need to up your protection. You cannot help others without first helping yourself.

Self-protection is so important to our craft and even just our mental health. Please, take the time to ground and shield. Remember to check your shields throughout the day and honour your own emotions and needs first.

[aparticularbandit]

returning to myers-briggs discussions, i’d previously pegged rose as an intj (and hadn’t liked it because it fell into the general “your sociopath character is an intj” trope which i really don’t like - although fun fact, i don’t think hannibal is an intj. but also he’s technically not a sociopath or something that can be defined by psychology etc. whatever). but despite my efforts, it seemed to fit.

intj has the primary ni function and the secondary te function, which means the main function for self-saving is the subconscious aha! moment and the secondary function that deals with other people is graphs and bringing external order to thought.

i don’t necessarily think this is still accurate. mostly because i don’t think rose is a te. i think elena is a te, and i think the plan rose mentioned to luisa in episode fourteen was elena’s plan, not rose’s, and i think the primary reason rose decided to stop working with elena and kill her (and derek) instead was elena’s kidnapping of luisa. (if she didn’t leave her over being with emilio for five years and instead stuck to a plan that put her in a situation she hated, which may have made her want to leave but she didn’t, luisa becomes a primary factor here.)

however, i think my original reasoning for having rose be a te stemmed from s2 and her out-thinking and outmaneuvering elena, as well as keeping michael off of elena’s trail until he could put elena in prison where she wanted her, as well as allowing derek time to escape.

but this doesn’t necessarily have to be a te action.

and where we have very clear moments of luisa showing herself as an e, f, and p, we might have moments of that with rose as well. but rose, for me, is harder. ish. because we don’t see as much of rose, and as a character, that makes her more fluid and more open to interpretation, or more variable in interpretation. but there are some things that tend to stick, and that’s interesting to me, so.

first and foremost, i tend to peg rose as a t. this gives a strong conflict to luisa’s f, which is good for story-telling and if you’re into mb for relational purposes, having the opposite here tends to be beneficial (although this is one where having the same is fine - relational best match mb isn’t something i tend to get into much, but it’s fun to look at. that said, an intj’s best match is enfp or entp, neither of which is luisa, although I suppose a case could be made for enfp if you make her ne instead of se, but that’s the brainstorming function that i really don’t think she has. anyway). i also think this is where a lot of the conflict we see in rose and luisa’s reactions to their external conflicts comes from, as exemplified with eileen and everything to do with raf in s3 (which, admittedly, i haven’t seen all of. i mostly skipped s3. don’t judge me).

rose threatens eileen because, logically, this works, this has worked, this should continue to work. rose doesn’t trust raf because, logically, she has no reason to do so. she is given evidence that he might be onto her, and raf has consistently worked with the police. logically, this makes sense.

luisa doesn’t like rose threatening eileen because you don’t treat people that way. luisa trusts raf because he is her brother and she sees no reason for him to lie to her. her thoughts and decisions are based in her emotional relation to eileen and raf. emotionally, this makes sense.

but the difference creates conflict between the two of them, one which we see both catering to when the need is pressing enough. luisa relies on rose’s logic when they leave, and rose relies on luisa’s emotions when they return.

but also rose outmaneuvering characters throughout s1 and s2 (and would have in s3 if she hadn’t returned with luisa) is a very t thing.

the main discrepancy with making rose a t is her actions in regards to luisa, which are very much heart-based, not head-based. and this is the interesting thing because rose, as a sociopath, lacks empathy. not as completely as a psychopath, but that aspect is still there. when she relies on luisa, she’s relying on luisa’s overabundance of what she lacks (in the same way that luisa does with rose, not in the form of intellect (because luisa is a genius) but in the form of logical common sense (which, notably, luisa does not have much of); it’s an interesting form of conflict and resolution).

anyway.

rose also tends to be an i to luisa’s e. again, this works well for conflict and compatibility. woo! but really, that shouldn’t be how you type a character. we also see rose clearly acting as an i throughout the series, most notably the submarine, which is a huge recharge moment for her (although i suppose the caymans could be considered one as well, we just don’t see that). rose keeps very much to herself, she doesn’t talk about herself, but then most of the time she isn’t herself. (that said, i think as emilio’s wife, the rose solano mask, rose had to appear more extroverted than she truly is.)

this is interesting, though, because clara, as i’ve been writing her, feels more extroverted. she likes being with people, she likes communal things because even though she can’t connect with people on an empathy level this allows her to connect on a mob mentality level (ish, i don’t like that term), but even then, she does pull away and is by herself frequently. it also looks like the introvert aspect is something that’s fairly well accepted, so sticking with that.

rose is definitely a j (again, conflict/compatibility bonus). i don’t think she’s a strong j, because her organization and scheduling (and keeping to the timeline)—

hm.

see, and this is interesting because although i do think rose is more of a j than luisa is (and fandom seems to also paint her as a j), i can see an ambivalence here. rose mentions a timeline and is organized, but that feels like elena’s influence more than natural rose. we see rose most in the moments where she steps out of that - when she kills emilio, when she sends luisa to the mental institute, when she kills tom the bellhop - all of which are antithesis to the timeline itself. this is even more poignant in relation to sleeping with heidi prior to the series (or even going to the girl bar where she met luisa), which were likely impulsive decisions made that could potentially have jeopardized whatever elena wanted her to do (particularly in regards to their argument overheard by heidi).

but perhaps that is more rebelliousness and a need to be herself than an indication of a p vibe. rose’s actions in s2 (and in s4, to some extent) show a very organized vibe (particularly in regards to having an escape plan provided luisa deposits the funds - this is a very j thing to do).

so still on the side of j vs. p.

now, this is more interesting, because in the side of n vs. s, i think rose might actually be an s, and it’s part of what makes her so interesting as a villain and as an opponent to elena (even though we don’t really see that). as i mentioned in luisa’s analysis, s is more concrete and n is more abstract, but s is also more little details and n is more big picture, and Rose excels at the small details. it’s the little details that cause her actions mentioned in the j vs. p discussion (killing emilio and tom, sending luisa to the mental institute), and it’s the little details she can catch that elena can’t that lead to her success. rose is able to set things up under elena’s nose - with derek, no less! - and get away with it because elena trusts her to take care of those details. and rose does until she doesn’t anymore. it’s the little details that make her suspicious of raf, the little things adding up to a bigger picture.

but it’s also a lack of the little details with susanna that get her caught by michael (and also a complete ignorance of them by buying powdered donuts when she left with luisa like seriously rose - but even then, that’s a little detail for luisa that she wanted, so).

the problem here is this: istj still leaves the te that i don’t think fits with rose, and the above examples of s that i give fit more with se than they do with si, which would be the istj function. further, if you read the description for the ti function, that fits fairly well with the s and t descriptions given - the actions rose takes during s1 are ones meant to make the least changes to their overall system.

but se/ti leads to istp or estp - in which case, i’d argue rose as an istp (ti to help herself (because making the smallest changes to keep the system in place would protect her from elena) and se to help others (very grounded in the present moment, etc.)) which leads to something interesting:

rose and luisa both have a crossover essential function, and that is that se function, that being grounded in the present. while comparatively rose is definitely more j than luisa is, she can be flexible and impulsive and spontaneous, and that’s complementary to luisa. but their main conflict, then, is that ti/fi conflict - the internal logic vs the internal feelings. (and where luisa uses her se to help herself, rose is using it to help others - interestingly enough they would both be using it for luisa and this grounding her.)

[orionsangel86]

13x12 - Episode Review - What is Fifth Base Anyway?

So the people at Google must have been confused when they discovered the number of searches for “fifth base” drastically went up overnight… Steve Yokey you cheeky bugger I love you! (Show of hands everyone who did this? Go on, admit it!)

This episode was really good. One of the stronger ones of an already very strong bunch as season 13 continues to exceed in quality. It had jokes, it had deep emotional revelations, it had Cas once again using his SuperPower of sassing the fuck out of things to get what he wants. Yeah it was pretty awesome! So let’s delve into the main points.

The Red Herring Love Spell

We were all expecting this to be an episode similar to 12x11 based on how it was marketed to us. Dean is under a love spell! It’s up to Sam and Rowena to save him! That seemed to be the gist of the PR team’s focus. As ever, PR is not Showrunning and this turned out to be one giant red herring.

The love spell lasted all of five minutes. So why bother? WHY was a love spell even PART of this plot?! Seriously? Someone tell me how this episode couldn’t have followed the EXACT same narrative with the sisters using some other spell to force people to do things for them? The fact is, that love spell was pointless for the plot but excellent for getting people thinking about LOVE. Specifically, Dean Winchester and LOVE, or at least, what love should be, and what it most definitely is not.

Aside from the fact that the clunky music whenever the love spell was invoked made me cringe, I thoroughly enjoyed how innocent it all seemed. Dean got to play Prince Charming to the princess and provide her with a gift of her choosing. I think it says something about Dean that the love spell encouraged this fairy tale vibe specifically for him, when for Dale at the start it was all about him playing protector and hero through violence and theft. I just thought it was an interesting statement about Dean’s wishes and desires compared to other men. Though I gotta admit, the gift giving, goofiness and oh I dunno, protecting his lover from a gun? It all seemed rather familiar to me… Hmmm…

I mean who else has Dean previously entrusted with powerful one off weapons?

Who else has Dean had to recently protect from a pointed gun much to his own horror rather than the recipient who is unlikely to be harmed by a regular gun anyway?

Who else makes Dean goofy and pull these silly delighted faces?

*looks into the camera like on the Office*

Yeah, but see these are not really examples of true love, even though they are all things done with Cas. What IS true love in season 13 is something that subtextually KEEPs getting referred to in EVERY EPISODE. That in 13x01 – 13x05 Dean was deeply lost in grief. Deeply mourning over the loss of Cas – someone who he is truly in love with. Love makes you do crazy things? Yeah, and as Billy said in 13x05 (Yokey’s last episode FYI) Dean wanted to die. Cas’s death had brought him to that level. The fact that now it is SAM who is feeling low, feeling powerless because of the loss of Mary and Jack, and Dean is able to remain focussed and have HOPE that they will save them, continues to be astonishingly hypocritical of Dean given where he was when Cas was dead. But it does keep drawing our attention to that fact, and for that I love it.

Bonus point for “I think you may be right, I think its time we go ahead and call Cas…” … “I’m in love” because Yokey could have written Sam saying ANYTHING at that point but he chose to remind the audience about Cas at that exact moment… as Dean announces he is in love, because the two are connected (and because it then wouldn’t be that much of a stretch to assume that Sam’s initial reaction is “Oh… so you finally admit it?”)

(FYI this crappy gif is my own. Don’t judge. It’s the first I’ve ever made.)

Sam’s mild amusement here just fits the “oh so you finally admit it? We can call Cas and start the wedding preparations?” interpretation and NO ONE can stop me seeing it that way! :D

Bonus Point two for the mentions of “Soulmates” (which relate to Angels in the show) and “Cosmic” (which again, tends to relate to angels and Cas).

Bonus point three that this is an episodes marketed as Dean being in love! LOOK AT ALL THIS HETEROSEXUALITY! It seems to scream at our general audiences, and yet, as always in SPN, if the GA are seeking heterosexuality, they are to be disappointed. They got a 5 minute mini love spell plot and Dean once again is without even a hint of an actual true female romantic partner. Nope, sorry heteros seeking a woman for Dean. You won’t find that here!

Basically, it’s not too much of a stretch to interpret this entire love spell mini plot as exposition for the TRUTH regarding Dean and “true love”. Because we all know it. It’s right there in the subtext. I just wish they’d make it text already.

Review continues under the cut as per usual...

Addressing Long unspoken Trauma – FINALLY

Officially my favourite part of the episode (unofficially my second fave part after “fifth base”), the conversations between Sam and Rowena about their trauma at the hands of Lucifer had me welling up. This is the first time in SPN history that Sam has actually opened up to ANYONE about his Lucifer trauma. Read that again. Be amazed that it has taken this long. Send Dabb and Yokey a fruit basket for this.

One thing season 13 has been excellent at doing, is making things textual that were previously only implied. This seems to be a continued trend following on from the reveal in 12x22 that Dean is effectively Sam’s parent (A fact meta writers have been talking about for YEARS.)

I don’t really have much to say about it actually, because it’s all just THERE in the text. It has left me kind of speechless.

SAM: Its not gonna change anything, you’re still gonna feel helpless. What Lucifer did to you…

ROWENA: I told you I don’t… before he crushed my skull, Lucifer showed me his face. His true face. I’m scared Sam. All the time.

SAM: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind… behind whatever vessel… yeah it still keeps me up at night.

ROWENA: How do you deal with it?

SAM: I guess I don’t deal with it, not really. I mean I…Ive pushed it down, and the world kept almost ending and so I keep pushing it down and I dunno… I don’t really talk about it, not even with Dean, I mean I could… he would listen but, it’s not something I really know how to share.

…..

SAM: Even if you do get the book, and even if you get your power back. It won’t matter. You won’t ever be able to change what happened, you won’t be able to change how helpless you felt, or how helpless you feel. You’re still gonna get scared. That feeling, that feeling never goes away.

ROWENA: Never?

SAM: Never.

…

Honestly it’s perfect. Yokey has decided that enough is enough. We need to discuss this. We need to talk about the fact that our main characters have a shit load of trauma. It’s about GODDAMN TIME.

(x)

I just want to scream about the shots for a second though because god bless Amanda Tapping for being so excellent at capturing emotions. I am starting to think she is one of the best directors for it. The intimate long close ups on the actors faces as they open about this stuff, it just works. The soft music in the back ground pulls no focus away from the gravity of Sam’s words. It’s intense, and harrowing and kudos to Jared here because I think he must have been ITCHING for a moment like this for Sam for YEARS (and for god sake someone ask him about this scene at a con instead of more bloody prank questions PLEASE.)

I also love that it’s Rowena who Sam opens up to about this stuff, because she has that in common with him. I know that it can be argued that Cas has also experienced trauma at the hands of Lucifer, but since Cas is an angel it’s not the same. I doubt Lucifer’s true face would affect Cas, since Cas is already an angel with the ability to see and cope with seeing things that human minds struggle to comprehend.

I think Rowena and Sam is our new Dean and Crowley. They are enemies, but they have a mutual respect for one another and I see this as a really good thing both for Sam and Rowena. Because Crowley was changed thanks to his bond with Dean (love for Dean), he was able to find redemption in that. Rowena could also now find redemption, especially considering her newly powered up status. For Sam I think it was a smart choice to give Rowena the pages at the end. It wasn’t just about the bond they formed over shared trauma, it was Sam knowing that Rowena is right, that Lucifer will always find a way back, and Sam knows that eventually he will have to face him again, and he needs all the help and power he can get, so a powered up Rowena is a powerful ally to have against the creature that tortured and broke both their spirits.

Am I shipping them? No, not really. I still think Rowena is a villain. I never shipped Drowley, though I acknowledge it’s existence in the show as basically a hairsbreadth away from canon. (it’s technically just as close to canon if not more so than Destiel and strongly implied that they hooked up in various episodes). But if the show did go there with Sam and Rowena I wouldn’t mind it as such. I just don’t think it would be endgame. But sure, it could work for a while. I see them more like frenemies with mutual interests. Besides, I’m a Saileen girl all the way and will continue to hope for Eileen’s resurrection this season.

Narrative Mirrors – Witches and Winchesters

Ah narrative mirrors, don’t we love them? I especially love them when they highlight the Winchester family dynamics and just how screwed up they all are. Our witchy sisters fall extremely easily into this category. Jamie and Jenny or “J2” as I now plan to call them (I see what you did there Yokey). So J2 are motivated to do whatever it takes to bring back mum. Whatever it takes even though they are hardly competent witches and only seem to have one spell mastered – the love spell. The older sister uses her charm to encourage the victims to do whatever they wish for, whilst the younger sister is the smarter of the two, more skilled in magic (I wonder who they are supposed to represent?)

They have one purpose, and will stop at nothing until that purpose is fulfilled:

JAMIE: I’m sorry, I know I’m the big sister and I’m supposed to be the strong one or whatever.

JENNY: Yeah?

JAMIE: I just really miss her.

JENNY: I do too.

JAMIE: I know, and I like, really believe in us

JENNY: Jamie, I just want her back so bad

JAMIE: And we’re going to get her back, even if we have to cast every spell in this book and curse the souls of like a million people to make it happen.

Doesn’t this sound rather familiar? Like from 13x09:

DEAN: You were right, about mom you were right, this whole time we should have been looking for her

SAM: I was just hoping, I didn’t know. And anyway it doesn’t matter, now that we do know.

DEAN: We find her, no matter what it takes.

Which always made me kinda uncomfortable. There is a reason that Billy didn’t want Dean knowing their mum was still alive. Because Billy knows that the Winchesters would break the Universe to bring her back. “House of Cards” she called it. What’s the betting that thanks to Sam and Dean this “house of cards” is going to come tumbling down just as Billy predicted? Because I would put money on it.

At the end of the episode, we realise that Sam and Dean are in exactly the same place as J2. Jamie – the older sister, trying to support and reassure her younger sister, the one who “wants mom back so badly”. Jamie, unlike her sister, is totally focused on completing their task, whereas Jenny has her doubts. Just like Sam and Dean. We know that Dean is back to “We’ll figure it out” and “you and me” even though Sam is NOT on board with this, but like Jenny, Sam will follow Dean into a hornets nest if it means doing what they set out to do and save mum.

The girls mum came back wrong though, a zombie. When Mary was first resurrected she certainly wasn’t what the boys expected either, and now she is lost again, whose to say just what state she will be in when she is finally freed? Perhaps the message for the boys here is to actually let her go? As in, let go of the memory of Mary that they had sat on a pedestal (Dean in particular) and start to accept the woman their mother actually is, and let her do her thing, because otherwise it may kill them all.

And isn’t this moment just a perfect visual representation of the toxic co-dependency that is the Winchester brothers? Stab stab stab. One of them even has a hammer… LOL.

(Yup its another one of my crappy gifs.)

The Sassiest Angel in the Garrison

Oh Cas, I have missed your beautiful face…

(x)

(Dipper agrees with me)

Now I think everyone knows by now that I hate Lucifer. As in, I find the character extremely irritating and just want him off our screens dead and buried, and that Mark P can go annoy some other shows audience. The ONLY thing that makes watching Lucifer remotely bearable for me, is Castiel - wonderful, perfect, funny, grumpy, brilliant Castiel, sassing the fuck out of him. Bearing in mind all their scenes but one took place behind bars, I was as always captivated by Cas and the brilliant genius he is.

So far in season 13, Castiel hasn’t actually spent much time using his powers, his grace, to actually get anything done. What he has done, is be incredibly smart and used that tactician brain of his to talk himself out of any situation. Everything Castiel does has a purpose. He is generally a creature of few words (except when it comes to Dean) and therefore, whenever he does speak, it is usually with a great deal of thought. (There was a brilliant meta on the word “assbutt” and how it is the worst insult he could possibly throw at Lucifer and yet everyone still ridicules him for it. Don’t knock the word assbutt. Cas knew exactly what he was doing!)

And so Cas isn’t just being a sassy little bitch in this episode. He’s being a sassy little bitch with purpose. Lucifer may be powered down, but he still has power. Cas knows this. Cas knows that the best way to get Lucifer activating what little power he has is to make him angry. So what does Cas do? He sass’s him, over and over. Pissing him off until eventually, it works.

“Turns out rage is a good motivator”

Such a badass. Bye bye little Dipper.

This is why you should never underestimate Castiel. He will always get the better of you. He will always come out on top in the end.

“This is me, learning from my mistakes” he says whilst stabbing Lucifer at the end of the episode. I thoroughly enjoyed that moment of course, even if we know already it doesn’t stick. Since Lucifer is alive next episode. *sigh*.

Lucifer has been continuously hinting all episode that he want’s Cas’s grace. It seems possible due to pics from next week, that he may actually get what he seeks.

Cas has blood on his collar, which he doesn’t have at the end of 13x12. So is Cas about to become human again? Or at least graceless? It’s possible. @tinkdw​ wrote this post about it (yes I stole her screencap). We were discussing this in our group chat yesterday and thanks to the themes that would come from another human!Cas story I can certainly get behind it, even if I hate the idea that it isn’t his choice yet again. This time, having Lucifer steal his grace seems worse than the first time. But as I mentioned above, Castiel has already shown several times this season that his grace is in no way where his strengths lie. I just hope that it is still his choice in the end to give it up, or not regain it, however that story may pan out.

But yeah maybe prepare ourselves for a human Cas whose grace was stolen by Lucifer plot? I mean if it doesn’t happen great, but if it does... don’t say we didn’t warn ya okay? I know how sensitive we all get about Cas stuff - this is literally the first any of us had thought of this. Besides, he’ll still be amazing even if Lucifer does take his grace, He’ll get in a few more stabs before the end. No doubt.

Other Awesome Stuff

The “fifth base” scene. Yeah this was certainly risqué of Yokey. I was screaming about this to Tink in the chatty bubbles, trust a gay writer to throw in a gay joke aimed at our currently in the closet bisexual lead character and have him act all awkward like he doesn’t know what it is… *glances at Sam* What? Nope, I’ve never… There’s NO SUCH THING AS FIFTH BASE. Sure Jan. Just as I scoff at the idea of Dean not knowing basic French, the idea that Dean DOESN’T know what fifth base is, is absurd. These are purposely input into this episode to raise our eyebrows and DOUBT them.

Baring in mind the way Rowena asks that question “Did THEY get to fifth base?” not “Did YOU get to fifth base” strongly implies actually that Rowena was asking if Dean was pegged. Let’s get that clear. Once again, we have a bottom!dean joke in the subtext of the show. (At some point we need to round up EVERY reference to Dean’s ass and compare it to the other characters just to make this point.)

Oh gosh I haven’t even got to “What’s by is by” yet. The top result in google for this supposed saying is a destiel fanfic written as coda for this episode. There is NOTHING else. It doesn’t exist. What is Yokey playing at exactly? Bygones be bygones maybe? But she had to say it like that? After a reference to anal? To DEAN? Yeah I know everyone is probably already yelling about this on tumblr but still. This is a very huge WTF from me to Yokey that he would ever think we WOULDN’T pick up on this. He did it on purpose. It has a reason, just like everything else. The reason being “Dean is Bi”.

......

(x)

The final scene with Rowena is spectacular. It’s also oddly erotic but maybe that’s just me. Rowena is finally unbound, powerful, free, and probably quite deadly. Here’s hoping she raises a hell of a storm. I have always loved Rowena’s character so for me this idea of her being “unbound” and basically immortal is really interesting. I just hope this paves the way to her helping the Winchesters defeat the big bads to come. Because I see her becoming more of an ally as time goes by. I hope she continues to have a big part to play in the story, and after this final scene I am practically sure she will. 

....

Castiel speaking about Jack like he’s a proud parent gives me life. He truly loves the kid. It’s beautiful.

....

Why does Lucifer attract so many dick jokes nowadays? I’m actually almost getting tired of them. For shits and giggles I’m gonna accept it at face value that Lucifer, unlike Crowley, is not well endowed. It makes sense. The tantrums, the violence. Little man syndrome. Pfft.

I’m also going to take it at face value that Cas is most likely huge. Yeah, that smirk is telling.

We all know he’s a big boy. ;-)

.... 

Hats off to Brenda. The biggest star of the episode. Never failed to make me laugh every time I watched.

You go Brenda. You were awesome.

Overall

Solid episode with lots of great moments. Now all I need is Cas to find the boys and get really pissy with them when he realises they didn’t ONCE figure out that Colonel Sanders was impersonating him. I mean sure, Dean has super low self esteem and was clearly grumpy with Cas at the start of the episode for only really checking in with Sam, not coming home after taking off, clearly CHOOSING the road over being at home with HIM... But that doesn’t excuse him being blind to Asmodeus’s impersonation. Bring on next week. I hope Dean grovels.

[miannedomusings]

SINGULARITY: Bittersweet and Sexy

SINGULARITY EXPLORED: Masterpost | First Impressions | Lyrics 1 | Lyrics 2 | Bittersweet and Sexy

A/N:This is the longest of my Singularity posts but also probably the most interesting one.

I could ramble on and on about what I like about this song musically. Given that I don’t really “understand” music, it wouldn’t make sense to you, and it wouldn’t make sense to me, but by-golly would I ever run out breath trying to find the right words to describe the things that I like about this song. Now that being said, I do think this song is best when listened to with the video and the lyrics. It's a good song - I like its musical flavour - but I do think that the lyrics and video elevate it to something better than it is on its own.

So, foregoing the convoluted attempt I could make at describing this song as if I understand anything about music or music production on a technical level, I’m going to talk about this song and how its three parts (music, lyrics, and video) complement and contrast each other. Now, full disclosure, I’m going to be talking about this song in isolation and this isn’t going to be some heavily researched analysis where I reveal all the potential literary and cinematic allusions that are probably hidden in the lyrics and visuals. I’m talking about this song all on its lonesome! Just whatever this song made me think of up front... and there's a lot. In fact, that's one of the things that makes this such a strong video to me. I think that a full and interesting interpretation can be made for this song and video without having heard or seen anything else by this group or any of the stuff it maybe references.

One of the things that I really like about listening to music in a language that I don’t speak, is that I get to choose if and when I want to engage with the lyrics. For me, I care way more about the music than the lyrics. So not surprisingly, my first encounter (and the second and possibly the third) involved no lyrics at all. And I’m so glad I did that. I think that all three elements of this work together very well, but I also thing that what makes them such an interesting final product is that I wouldn’t necessarily predict this video based off of the music, and I definitely wouldn’t predict these lyrics, and yet they fit together very nicely. I think most people who have listened or watched this video would agree that this song pairs well with a bottle of wine and some mood lighting – by that of course I mean that it’s a fucking sexy song. Part of that comes from the pacing (this song takes its time), the low reverberating base, and V’s velvety voice. All of which create a very purposeful and intense momentum that carry you through the song until you jarringly reach the end and you’re forced to wake up out of the trance it lulled you into. And then of course there’s the jazz and R&B elements of the music, and a whole-lot-a smolder...

This song makes quite the impression. And if you watch almost any reaction video online you’ll see that just about everyone winds up in the same place:

(BRISxLIFE)

(RobertIDK)

But, given this first impression, the lyrics are really something surprising. The day after this song came out I read the lyrics separate from the music and video, and I was struck by how different they were on their own. It’s easy to interpret the music and video as being dark, the word “haunting” gets thrown around a lot for this trailer and I agree with that evaluation. But what first came off as dark and sultry, when the lyrics get added in, feels dark and destructive. Some noteworthy lines include “Have I lost myself/ Or have I gained you” and, “I dumped myself into the lake / I buried my voice for you… A thick ice has formed…There’s my face in it/ Please don’t say anything” – that’s some dark shit! ...Honestly the urge was there just to quote the whole thing…

Clearly this is a song about changing yourself for someone else. Given the choreography and how this song oozes sex (pardon the visual), I’m going to talk about this as if it’s specifically change for a romantic someone. It tells a story of someone who has buried parts of themselves in order to complement the other person better, but spring is coming, the ice is cracking, and their truth won’t be able to remain buried once the ice thaws. Having the lyrics in the back of my mind and watching the video again I remember being so confused by some of V’s acting. I couldn’t help but think – why is he smiling so much? Is he flirting with the camera right now? Lyrically, there is nothing to smile about. At best, one could say that when he says “Have I gained you” he’s expressing the positives of love, but even that – it’s a question, and the alternative is a bleak loss of self. 

And yet, in the video they pair a line like “My agonizing phantom pain is still the same” with a cheeky smirk and raised eye-brows.

And this brings us to where I think the different elements of the song really come together to make something greater than the sum of its parts. Because of course, if the masks he put on in order to be with this person are awful in every way, he wouldn't have done it. The lyrics, the seductive music, and the opening dance sequence of the video, tie all of the pain and torment with longing, needing, and wanting. That smirk when talking about phantom pain says there’s something delicious about it.

In the opening shot, you see V dancing with a coat wrack. At first there’s the obvious metaphor for his relationship with this lover being a fantasy; it’s not real, it’s hollow, there’s no substance to their love, etc. This is also mirrored in the sparse sets. Overall the video has a very minimalist feel to it, with lots of cold concrete and harsh neon lights. It's possible this is meant to show the emptiness of the dream he's living in, or how he's reduced himself for this lover...

This is especially interesting given that the busiest shots in the video, appear to be occurring in "spring" after the ice has melted and his buried self has returned. And maybe this was just an aesthetic choice, but given that spring means the death of his fantasy and this relationship, it's a nice touch that in the spring shots V's wearing all black as if in mourning.

I really love all the ways this video plays with the theme of falsehoods and fantasies. It's all over the place – the fake dance partner, the masks that surround V, the backwards roles of winter and spring, I think even the other dancers may be there to represent the different versions of himself. I mean, BTS has had their other comeback trailers feature only a single member, so why in a song called Singularity did they choose to call in the troops? There's a lot of ways to think about the title of this song. We've got the imagery that he is one with his lover (sharing an arm in the opening dance), but also that his relationship is just a fantasy and in reality it's only him. There's the idea of removing parts of yourself, but ultimately becoming your whole self again in the end. And also the inevitability that with the return of his "voice" he will certainly lose his lover and be alone. ...But back to that opening dance. So you see V being caressed by some disembodied arm, and then (maybe it takes more than one go through the video) you see that the arm that's caressing him is actually his own. This visual fits so with the idea that there is something fake about the love they have. And it's more than just a neat choreography gimmick, the idea hat it’s his own arm filling his partner’s sleeve also plays into the idea of phantom pain and losing himself to gain someone else. A piece of him has literally been replaced by them: he has lost his arm and gained theirs. But it's just an illusion (literally so for the viewer). The dissonance between his dream and his cruel reality is expressed really well in the video. When you watch the opening sequence there's clearly a lot of conflict – he accepts the touch of his lover but then pushes it away. The desire and want in his face and body language is exceptionally clear, but he keeps rejecting the loving arm.

He knows it’s not real, and he knows that it’s something artificial that he created and can’t possibly maintain. But the idea of it is so sweet.  The pain he’s created by removing pieces of himself to fit better with someone else are agonizing, yes, but also exactly what he wants. The contradictory nature of his feelings are all over this song. It's in the starting and stopping of the music, in the sections of fast-paced dance over a slow beat, the confusion that can be read in the lyrics, and throughout the visuals. As sweet as his fantasy is he can't remain in the dream any longer now that the ice is cracking... Independently, the music of this song sounds dark and seductive. The video carries on the sultry vibes, but adds a little more longing to the mix with the cold sets and the absence of a partner with any substance. The video certainly suggests that there is fantasy here, but maybe this song is more of an invitation for a partner to join him - I mean just look at the way he flirts with the camera! The lyrics on the other hand tell a dark story, where dark no longer means 'tall, dark, and handsome', but instead makes you want to turn on the lights and check over your shoulder. They're full of fear and desperation. It is only when the three components of the trailer come together that you get the full story. The lyrics ground the visuals and the music; they bring your attention to the cold concrete and the deep baseline. The visuals and the music dress up the pain in fantasy and desire.The way that this trailer ties everything together is what makes it my favourite BTS music video so far. There are plenty of videos that are visually stunning and that carry on interesting plot lines (here's looking at you Blood, Sweat, and Tears), but Singularity presents a cohesive and interesting final product that sticks with me much more. It's minimal, but striking, and all the little subtleties tell you there's more going on here than you first think.  

Since writing this, I’ve noticed some really cool ways the music ties into this narrative thanks to some of the things a music producer (Joey Nato) had to say about it. So I’m just going to tack those thoughts on here. Now because I’m referencing musicy things that I don’t know how to describe, I’ll link to moments in the m/v as I go.

The first thought is a simple one, it’s the sound used to make that lovely little plucked melody that interrupts the sparse chord and beat sequence. From what I’m told it’s a distorted harp sound, and as Joey describes it, they way they’ve distorted it transforms it from something elegant to something edgy. This fits in beautifully with the twisted fantasy the song is describing. Love should be lovely, but there’s something about this love that has an edge, that points to the reality beneath the mask. 

A more interesting element in the music are those fat chords that take up a lot of space in the track - the ones that sit at the bottom of the scene and spread outwards like fog rolling over a landscape. They make the song feel cozy. They envelop the space you’re in, and feel comfortable. But when they are then played with the wah-wah effect on them it feels like they’re coming in and out of focus (by wah-wah, I mean the way the sound wobbles). The fog that reminded me more of clouds and plushness now feels more like haze. This is an awesome way to express the comfort of the illusion that the protagonist experiences behind their mask, but also that it’s conflicting and it isn’t clear what’s real anymore. Something’s a little off. 

Another element used is the unpredictability of the music. While drifting along in our comfortable haze, the song introduces shocks. This is done with the sharp sound of the rim shots on the snare drum and the moments where the music is abruptly halted with the sharp jab of a chord that is followed by absolute silence. The jolt created by the chords is even more jarring thanks to how unpredictable the song is - you expect a nice soft wavy chord to cushion you on the next beat and instead you get a chord that strikes and then leaves you float alone in the void.

This is, I think, a big contributor to the unease that this song brings out. Overall, I think it’s easy to ignore the edge the song has, take it as a moody, but ultimately smooth and sensual song. But there is an edge. It’s in the distorted harps and the shocks of silence. It feels like they’ve captured those moments of doubt, when reality catches up with you, and you’re suddenly forced to question your choices. But then as soon as it comes, the moment passes and you are lulled by new chords again, like the voice in your head that smooths over the cracks and reassures you. 

Even the bass that comes in to follow the silence in the pre-chorus reminds me of the hasty reassurances we give ourselves, shaking our heads in the hopes that the nagging doubts will fall out, and listing all the reasons the lie is actually the right thing to do. What a cool way to express how we lie to ourselves! And the way that the song ends abruptly and doesn’t give us that final comforting reintroduction of music. Nice.

In my initial analysis of this song I certainly picked up on the dark moodiness of it, but it wasn’t until I considered the lyrics that the music took on a properly ominous edge. It’s really interesting now noticing these story telling details in the music too. 

SINGULARITY EXPLORED: Masterpost | First Impressions | Lyrics 1 | Lyrics 2 | Bittersweet and Sexy

MUSINGS MASTERLIST