#It's completely impossible of course
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The overwhelming urge to make up excuses to talk to someone when you have a crush
#don't judge me please#this is my first crush in 6 years#It's completely impossible of course#but I've decided to enjoy it for another week or so
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prince Fitz au... I love him a lot
#my art#rote#realm of the elderlings#robin hobb#fitzchivalry farseer#sorry i was supposed to put a whole long text from the au here but i just..... sigh#my brain is not doing very well at the moment so writing Things is impossible.....#can only draw...#one fun thing is i realised prince fitz would... not be named Fitz of course... he'd have a completely different name
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elden ring attracting so much attention from audiences that usually wouldn't touch a fromsoft game has been so annoying when it comes to discussions about its story.
like maybe ironic considering grrm was involved in the writing this time, but the response to elden ring & specifically SOTE feels very similar to what happened with game of thrones, where the story is pretty explicitly about the dangers & violence & cruelty inherent in certain systems of power, and 95% of the audience response is to look at that & be like "wow i hope my fave character gets to be the good ruler who fixes everything because they're so cool & nice :D"
#elden ring#like for all the myriad countless flaws of grrm's writing (of which there are so so many)#the ASOIAF series was always consistent about how the pursuit for the throne was uhh. bad (<- understatement)#and despite the complete lack of sublety about this it went over soo many people's heads#to the point where it became impossible to talk about what ASOIAF was even really about because#people had just made up a version in their heads where girlbossing their way to the throne was the point of the story and#how characters ''won'' the narrative#and if u said anything to the contrary ppl acted like you were too stupid to understand the story#and the same thing is happening with SOTE where like#of course its not perfect but cmon....its such a clear narrative about deeply entrenched societal violence that repeats & is reenacted#over & over#by different people despite different motivations#the repetition (there are spirals everywhere!!!)#the fact that miquella was doomed to failure for trying to create change by taking his mother's place#those are not failures of writing!!
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college … wasted on the youth (me)
#didnt help that 2/4 yrs was covid telezoom but man.. MANNN#forgetting how impossible it is to pursue rhe degree plan u actually want (advising hell) i feel like . theres just#so many diff things i want to learn now Knowing that im more solidified in my interests and who i am and what i would be interested in doing#and like.😭RGAAAAAQH TEARING MYHAIR OUTTT every other week i have a night where im sititng there like damn i couldve been sm1 completely dif#dgmw i still rly enjoy some of the upper div classes i Did take but what if i took x and liked it more or minored in y and it led me to z#bc i do feel rly set in where i am rn which . i DO ! like it but im never gna be in that environment where u have the flexibility to explore#ykwim . i wish i had taken physics and calc srsly . i always thought i hated that shit but i like it. i like it quite a lot actually😟#or more geology .. urrghh.. sprinkle in sme extra art history . no bc thats what actu pissed me off ab school#i rmbr wanting to dual major and they straight up told me no i cant . but then i was like maybe an arts major bio minor when i wanted to do#science illustration but sry we dont offer bio minor . ok bio major arh or studio art minor . no sry not enough open spots we rly only#reserve it for when we have extra openings post admission❤️#and then even late into sophomore year u would still be last in registration so all the cool classes would be closed#and then bc of covid half that shit was cancelled bc they couldnt transfer labs online (rip comparative vertebrate anatomy)#and then by senior yr an additional collection of classes were unavailable bc u dont have the prereqs bc the prereqs were cancelled during#covid and u dont have enough semesters left to actually take it . like it was gen such an awful experience so ik why i couldnt ever do what#i wanted but .😭 AND LIKE the classes i DID enjoy like genomics or molecular genetics were closed by registration and i had to email and beg#for access . thts crazy .literally crazy .#anyways . i think i want 2 start reading textbooks bc i think thats the closest ill get LMAOO#i remember seeing my coworker read a textbook for fun one time and idk why i just didnt understand why bc it seemed so dry but i Get it now#like yeah .. u knew what was up ..#sad too that like . i could theoretically audit a course but i Work..during the day .. so sad . so sad#guys wht if i just said yes to grad school (<the devil talking.dont agree)
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AZ was unhealthily attached to Floette in the same way Xan was unhealthily attached to AZ 💔 it just happens to be easier to tell when you're on the receiving end of this behavior vs. when you're the one perpetrating it 😔
#hope talks#Xanthos#a scene i keep envisioning is like...#'Xan's clinginess becomes so intolerable to AZ that he ends up berating Xan about it'#(and of course its completely understandable why Xan's clinginess is an issue it's really really bad for both of them)#(but you know. its the issue of AZ going about addressing it in the worst possible way he could 😭 it coming out in a moment of frustration#rather than a desire to have an actual conversation...(#and when Floette attempts to comfort Xan... AZ calls her away from him!#of course for AZ it's like... 'you don't have to worry about him. he'll be fine'#but there's also an underlying childish 'you're MY friend. not his!!'#i really like the idea that AZ loves Floette and their friendship/sibling relationship is the most important thing in the world to him#but there were also times where he was a bad friend to her 💔 which is something a bit... inevitable! unfortunate as that is#it's impossible for something to be good all the time even if overall#it was a positive relationship for both of them...#Floette is Very patient and Very forgiving which are traits both her brothers lack 😭#(but don't get it twisted she can be petty and childish too... she contains multitudes!)
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apparently my all time favorite character dynamic is 'four dysfunctional idiots metaphorically or literally go to hell'
#theyre pretty different pieces of media of course but i do feel strongly about this common thread between them#get four flawed people with an array of personality types put them in a completely hopless situation let them pressure cook for a while#and then watch them confront their issues and defy impossible odds#..ideally
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Man, I would find so much solace and comfort in the obsessive love related tags if they weren’t all just like kinda unwell teenagers roleplaying anime characters. I’m not one to shit on what mentally ill young people do to cope so whatever but like… girl you’re not a yandere it’s just your first crush please stop.
#I have so much nuance to this. this post was so long and I deleted like 3 paragraphs but it was very unnecessary and way too much#Basically this is almost entirely and clearly a complete fantasy they would be completely unable to cope with in reality#Which is very reasonable and fair enough for them. It’s almost impossible to find a healthy way to express or deal with these feelings#But idk man I’m for real struggling like hell with this shit sometimes#I would like to see some kind of space for it that isn’t just complete fantasy or acting like it’s not a real issue sometimes#Like this isn’t some cutesy little quirky thing it’s actually kind of agonising sometimes in reality#Of course it can be so absolutely beautiful and wonderful but it’s REALLY fucking hard to be healthy and like#just live life normally I guess? And I think you kind of have to try to just overcome it to some level to even be healthy#Like when it stops being charming people just get confused by it and find it dark and weird/uncomfortable/etc#And it can be. I’m very good at not being too much about it because I know it’s just overwhelming#but I really struggle to ask for the intensity I feel I need sometimes. because I don’t know how to explain or describe it I guess#I’m living a good life but it’s seriously not this cutesy deeply romantic thing all the time. Sometimes it’s real fucking hard#Stop romanticising obsessive feelings basically. please#Especially when it means I can’t find anyone talking about it that really gets the extent of it. lol
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you should kill yourself if you spend 12 minutes sorting around your notes on your desk, making sure they look messy but also the prettiest ones are on top, posing your textbook open and having the most "academia" looking web page or lecture slides on your laptop screen before taking a picture and posting it on your social media story while quietly scrolling through songs to put with it.
#every time exam season comes around#people do this religiously#i hate it profusely it's so incredibly vain and pointless#you're like the people who go to the library for an epic study day and set up your big environment#only to sit on your phone for 5 hours#have the humility to be honest about your study habits and what works and what doesn't#i feel like its a form of cognitive dissonance this type of stuff and a form of lying to themselves#which is the one person you should always be brutally honest to#txt#i plan ahead and give myself so much extra time because i know my time efficiency is dogshit and i compensate for that#i try to avoid talking to other people about studying and i try to insulate myself when i am#of course for med school it's impossible not to talk about it as your classmates will bring it up in every third conversation#which opens the pandora's box of listening to other people talk about it which is atrocious as all people ever take away from it is#'oh my god everyone is doing so much more i'm so behind'#which isn't true everyone is in their own variation of hell just slightly different#i try to block it out completely when i can#med students have this annoying tendency to group themselves into these circles of self feeding despair and nervousness#i mean all of med insta is full of dogshit memes like this of the same 'le epic med stress' memes#kill yourselves you people are self fulfilling prophecies#josef lada ice these fools#to chce klid#as the man said#a taky trošku sebevědomí#and also not listening or giving a fuck what anyone else is doing#každý ma svůj systém a svůj styl#and have a life outside of this as well
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im going to lay here and think about pond family cuddle piles until i fall asleep
#and i shall paint u a picture before i go. ahem.#one must imagine of course that rory is the natural foundation of the cuddle pile#he is not very squishy or padded well for laying on but he can sit still for long periods of time. which is not a skill 2/3 of the others#have and to be honest river only Arguably has it when she knows she’s getting something out of it at the end#so rory is the foundation whom all others lay on top of#and once he’s down amy is too and she is going to sprawl all over on top of him if the doctor doesn’t claim some space quickly. she will#take all of the rory for herself. she is greedy and also wants to be comfy.#amy pond face squished into her husband in a way that should make it impossible to breathe and with her arms and legs all tangled around him#in ways that should not be comfortable and yet. rory is used to this. he likes it.#i think eleven cuddles like dogs do when they get on the couch with you and your lap isn’t free so they sort of lay next to you and push the#their back up against your side as hard as they can and stretch out and sigh. and eventually wiggle their head into your lap anyway.#thats how eleven snuggles. belly up and paws out. if he can wriggle under amy’s arm where she’s got it hooked around rory? even better#and then river. and river’s the hardest to get into the cuddle pile for many Many reasons but. i think there’s a foolproof way the three of#them have found how to do it. and it involves first the doctor flopping on top of amy and rory and looking so so cute and cuddly and making#happy relaxed noises to tempt river over. and then involves rory scooching beneath the two of them to make it ibvious that there’s room for#river if she wants it. and then when she does get lured down with them. its amy who finds her and squirms over closer to hold her. eyes shut#pretending she’s asleep and doesn’t know she’s doing it.#river’s never at ease at first but she has to let herself. the doctor moves to lay more of his weight on her as well as rory and ground her.#team (family) effort to get river to let her guard down completely and relax.#in the most normal family way ever aksjfkfjskd which is why amy is clinging onto her like River’ll disappear if she lets go#nornal family. normal cuddling. i think they all pet the doctor like a puppy while theyre doing this
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while i obviously love the idea of eula and jean being paired with each other… i am also kind of obsessed with the dynamic where the yearning is extremely one-sided on eula’s part. or perhaps something with even more potential flavor… mutual yearning over the course of several years, but neither of them fully acting on it because they’re Repressed 👀
#i’m just OBSESSED with the idea of them getting along so well and genuinely enjoying each other’s company#but at the same time… feeling completely distanced from each other?#they both desire a deeper connection (whether they’d admit it or not) but there are SO many things that just make it seem impossible#both external and internal factors#so even if they’re standing in the same room they somehow feel leagues away from each other#and in their minds they’ve tried to settle with a basic friendly and professional relationship… they’d try to suppress their own feelings#and OF COURSE they would be completely oblivious
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look ok i'm unreasonably proud of my spontaneous last-minute idea to make the two-tier-dropdown arrows do a little spinny.
so now you all have to look at it.
i'm very tired just let me have this one.
#data structures for assholes#this is MINI DEATH BLITZ PROJECT 2#SORTA MAYBE LOOKING CLOSE TO COMPLETION KIND OF A LITTLE#but of course i know that's actually impossible this will never end i will be in mini death work blitz forever & ever & then i'll die (: (:
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Group project partners love to make the shared document as confusing as possible
#Peter I get that you have autism but it fucking hate that chart you made us put everything in#it’s impossible to read it makes no sense and a nightmare to write in#there. god. he is nice but he is not doing himself any favours. why would you fully seriously explain what a euphemism is to three grown#women. who are all in this UNI ENGLISH COURSE WITH YOU.#also the organising of that document has me doing twice the work I really need to bc it’s so unclear what exactly I’m supposed to do.#my name is on two completely different things and I don’t wanna be annoying and ask a third time so I’m just doing both
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Living with my mother's grants me the incredible ability to wake up already annoyed
#maybe its going from my name and pronouns being used 99% of the time#to never#maybe its the fact that my mother#who spent my childhood trying to convince me to get any girl she could think of to teach me how to be a girl#to now saying i was always so girly so i cant possibly be trans#and i look so womanly now except for my facial hair#so i should always shave my face so no one thinks im not a woman#even though i was gendered correctly by strangers most of the time where i used to live#regardless of facial hair#or even if i was wearing makeup or high heels or whatever#or the way shes completely rewritten my entire life to make it impossible for me to be trans#and thats why she won't gender me correctly#this also#coincidentally#erases anything in my childhood that she did less than perfectly#because of course shes never done anything wrong in her life#i dont think i can do this for 6 months#but i dont have anywhere else to go#op
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fucked up that i have two drafted comics of jo in jail and both of them Of Course hinge on whether aoki's alive or not
#snap chats#ok i have ONE of them drafted but the other one's drafted in my brain#i actually drafted the first one months ago but i didnt think it was worth anything so. its just collecting dust now#it was supposed to be a comic where ichi visits jo and has to tell him what happened to aoki#and of course the second one. da shit i been screaming and crying about all day and have been cryin bout For Months#i might do that one.. idk... idk why not....#kinda wanna write a ficlet instead tho... but who's to say i cant do both right#me. thats the problem with me 😭 if it's too short i say 'i can just make a comic of it'#but if it's too long i say 'i'll make a fic of it' but im terrible at writing fics#but then it really will be too long to make a comic of it in a day or two and if i cant complete something in a day Or Two i dont do it#because i SUCK thats why#i just cant write a fic and make a comic... in my brain its impossible for the two to exist at the same time...#feeling like im ripping off myself Bitch WHAT. also i wouldnt want people to read the same thing twice note for note#anyway this wasnt the post i wanted to make that i ref'd in my last ask. i just happened to remember This Is A Thing#and i also was thinking about sketching out that Other prison comic before bed#ok another rambly post incoming bye
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it's not good for me to still be watching new shows btw and like looking forward to seeing how a longer show develops. because did you hear that i'm apparently doing something called "research" so i can eventually maybe get a ""degree"" 🤨
#but‚ listen‚ summer is coming. if i finish this semester. i have free time. completely free (sort of)#and then i get to go to sziget and practice alcoholism (yayy)#and well yeah i just need to pass these courses and two comprehensive exams and write this research paper#seems impossible but that can't be so it must be possible. so i'm gonna do it#let's fucking gooooo ← scared but trying to move forward#kata.txt
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