#It’s nice having no external commitments but damn I’m remembering why I wanted a job

[starkitten101]

4 days into summer break and I’m already bored to death 👍🏼

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

So close, yet still so far.

Well, I did say it in my last post, right? Be a man. Stop calling. But ooof, gotta say, it hurts bad. But maybe a little less than the uncertainty. 

I kinda pride myself on the relationships I have with people. I feel good when people trust me enough to confide in me, to tell me stuff they don’t usually tell others... 

I also hate losing relationships or seeing friendships fade away. And I know, that’s dumb and something I gotta learn to deal with. And I thought I was okay with that, I thought I already learnt this lesson. People come and go, nothing really lasts forever. It’s just part of life. 

Ugh, so why does it hurt so damn bad? I think really now, it’s becoming more set in stone that neither of us are going to do anything about it. I know I won’t, not anytime soon at least. I gotta put me first. At least I’m not feeling any sort of guilt now since he was the one who left me on read. Granted, it was kinda drifting off, but well... Y’know, I realised maybe my honesty the other day really was just the dealbreaker. Maybe there were a lot of dealbreakers already but I was still trying and he was being a little too courteous. 

But we have a saying in mandarin “勉强没有幸福” - which basically means if you try and force something too hard, you wouldn’t be happy. 

There’s so much I wish I could have done differently. But sometimes, anxiety gets in the way, depression gets in the way. We met at a bad timing, maybe if it weren’t for COVID, things could have gone differently. Then work stress also piled up, all the change in personnel and then workload and being burned out. No proper rests with the schedule, even if so, you might still end up working on your day off. And when you’re back in office, it’s just store work basically all day till even past 6pm and then you stay back to finish your other work. 

I’m really trying to be thankful that I still have a job in spite of the pandemic, but ooof, the exhaustion these days is also... My mental health had taken a toll, and I didn’t even realise till too late. I was always crying, overwhelmed. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even breathe. It sucks when you can’t even do the most basic of things. I’ve started relying on focusing my smell on things - mints, essential oils... I try not to complain and rant too much about everything, but I guess it got bottled up, all the way up to the brink. 

I started overthinking, dwelling, worrying about everything, the little things. That one time I wanted to treat everybody for lunch and drinks, the other time I brought cookies, and I couldn’t mouth the words to tell them. The insecurities, the fear. The What Ifs. 

But, there were also good days. Days where I’m just like, okay, suck it in. You got this. You can just brave on your mask and then be all positive and sunshine, spread that love and positivity and kindness. It works sometimes, but I don’t think it lasts very long either. That’s also another thing... Sometimes I do admire people who can put on a brave front despite everything, and I think I’m that person sometimes, but other days, I’m just falling apart and I can feel my vibes affecting people around me. I absolutely hate that. But if I don’t allow myself to show how I truly feel, aren’t I just wearing a mask all the time? 

Sometimes I just wish I could re-meet him. Just start over. I think I was so afraid to fall for him that I didn’t allow myself to feel. And maybe it led me to suppress that once I allowed them in, it just overwhelmed me. I was so afraid to show him my darker sides, I was afraid to speak up. Maybe he would have been supportive and understanding... But also, it’s a little tough sometimes to open your heart like that, especially with someone you’re interested in. Which actually, maybe, all the more I should have, if I wanted to share my life with him. 

There were times it was easy to flirt with him, to make a move and even ask him out. I mean, considering it was me who asked him for our date/meet up. Also, was it a date? Anyhoo, I think at some point, I was more afraid to commit rather than facing rejection. Rejection, that’s just me having to pick myself back up and mend this broken heart again, and I do have faith I have the strength to do so over time, with the support of the people around me. But, commitment... I’m afraid that I would hurt the other person, especially unknowingly. Maybe that’s why I have this habit of withdrawing and distancing if I feel someone has intentions to be more than friends with me. 

We’ve said it was fate that we met. We’ve also said we’ll leave it up to fate to see where it goes. I think we did both fight for a little at least. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not at the same effort. But I believe we did try? Maybe we could have done better, I could have done better. 

But well, fate has other plans perhaps. 

We were rather different anyway, but yet similar. It’s so strange. Sometimes it felt he was so right for me, but yet so wrong... I’m probably never gonna get the chance to say this to him, but I really appreciate the time and effort he spent talking and initiating convos. Maybe it was the bare minimum at times, and it was just always small talk about food and work, sometimes about nothing really, I enjoyed it. I loved listening to his voice - calming, comforting, probably why I always wanted to hear it when I was falling apart... I loved that he showed me the different perspectives, when I was stressed and upset, he would focus on the good. Maybe not in all aspects, but I felt he did push me, motivate me to be a better person. 

Yet another almost-relationship. Sigh. Will I ever find love someday?

But well, there’s quite a lot of lessons learnt here, I suppose. Made the mistake of creating a version of who I expect him to be, vs who he actually is. And also maybe we focused too much on trying to date, rather than being friends. Also learning that I need to be more open and honest about some stuff, and don’t be too afraid to feel my feelings. It’s tough because I think when I open my heart, sometimes I open up a little too much, but well, when you block out the negative emotions, you block out the positive too. 

Meanwhile, keeping this a little more private between us too. I truly appreciate all the advice given by friends, but it got a little conflicting at some point with too many opinions. But that’s on me. I do love how supportive my friends are, and how much they try to look out for me. Even when things got bad, even when it’s down the same shit cycle, they stayed. Well, I guess some had to take a step back, but that’s understandable too. 

I think it’s time for me to take a step back too. No one can save you, unless you choose to save yourself. I’ve been trying to bring back the focus to me, to do things that used to bring me joy. Also, trying to spread the love and kindness to friends, something I’ve missed doing since I’ve been distancing myself. 

But of course, apart from loving the people around me, it’s time to find my self-love and self-care again. Was watching Enchanted with my friend yesterday, and there was this line, “how can i like someone who doesn’t like themselves”. I’m still conflicted about this line honestly, because I understand it’s tough to find self-love sometimes that we rely on external love, but yes, self-love is also so damn important. But I also remember seeing this, not really sure where now, that - when two people come together in a relationship, they should both be happy with themselves, then coming together as one. A complementary relationship, not a reliant one. 

Sometimes I think I have such high expectations for myself that I don’t wanna mess up in the slightest way. Which in turn, messes shit up. It’s funny, on one hand, it’s like I try to be the best I can be, but I’m also a pretty low maintenance, don’t give a shit person. And sometimes I do try hard to be there for people, just so they won’t have to feel the way I feel. I find it tough to say no, because I would feel bad or sorry. 

But like my friend says, I need to stop feeling bad and sorry. Sometimes we gotta put ourselves first. This was also a lesson I forgot. Sometimes we gotta be selfish. We can’t always set ourselves on fire to give others warmth. 

And well, to end off, also came across this insta story about “Best Way to Get Over Someone”, like damn, even Insta knows. So basically... 

Focus on you 

Get Busy 

Let it all in and accept that it happened and grow from it 

Reaffirm things that make you feel satisfied/happy and find yourself again 

You’re not to blame. Now it’s time to focus on you. Love yourself. Remember, it takes 2 hands to clap 

It’s been nice getting back to writing again. I really do write best when emotional. So yep, time to take a step back and focus on me. Figure out how to love and care for myself again. Let myself feel those feelings, as much as it hurts, as much as it sucks, but better than keeping it all bottled up and not sure when it’ll overflow. 

So, a reminder for anyone out there who’s reading this, remember to take a step back and take some time for you. You’ve got this! Take care and stay safe. Lots of love! 

X

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

NTS:  P R I O R I T I Z E .

tl;dr NEW HOME is MORE IMPORTANT.

I basically came to the realization that the job I have is Getting Me By. There are a LOT of jobs to go around. There will be people looking for new employees for ever and ever, there’s not a time limit on this. And while I want to have a new job before I move out, ideally: ultimately my job search can take months, it has already taken ~18 months at this point, but I’m doing better financially than I was before. I can live without another job for awhile. I’m exhausted, and having a different job sure would be nice... but it’s doable.

It will, however, shatter a special little hope of escape inside me if I can’t find a place to move before my housing voucher expires. And that happens, I believe, in March. (I’m not sure, I haven’t remembered to call my case manager during office hours... hffffff.)

There’s a lot I’m trying to do with the org right now too, especially in the personal growth department, but ultimately, that’s also something with an indefinite time limit. I kind of want to get it done RIGHT NOW, but I really don’t have the energy to commit to the challenges right now. And a lot of that is because I’m splitting my focus between the org, housing search, and employment struggles. (And my job is consuming 85% of all my energy. I barely have the strength to microwave a meal and take the trash out... which is why I want a new job. But I’m still functioning.)

Splitting my energy between so many different goals and pulling myself in so many different directions is just going to wear me out even harder.

This is going to go a lot smoother once I just pick a goal, and spend whatever time I can working on achieving it. One at a time. I have to prioritize, and pick one at a time. (Which is hard, because oh my STARS, I just want them ALL to fall in line, and improve my life, and get me out of this rut I feel myself sinking into!)

But maybe once I have a new home, I’ll be able to rest better and recuperate from work more completely. A nice quiet place, or at least a building with nice thick walls and clean enough air that I can use earplugs without my nose getting stuffy. A place where I can make my own decisions about what gets done when I have the energy, without being scolded and called names for being exhausted after a 12-hour shift. A place where I don’t have to walk on eggshells, constantly play soundboard and vent-space, a place where I can make it entirely my own, set up my shields in every corner of every room, even open the windows whenever I’d like! A place where I can isolate and heal and read and listen to my doves and invite friends and play with my chinchillas and eat wherever and meditate in peace and quiet and solitude! A place TRULY all my own!

maybe there’s a reason my mentors have been recommending i read The One Thing...

It’s a struggle to figure out where that is though, it really is. Especially since it feels like all the places listed on the websites they gave me are 65+, and I may be an old soul some pieces are quite a lot older than 65, that’s for damn sure... but apartment complexes don’t take reincarnation into consideration. 8F

But these vouchers aren’t exactly foreign policy; they’re easy to explain, laymen accessible, and any landlord willing to take some hours to attend a thing can accept them. It doesn’t have to be a senior/disabled community! There are SO many apartment complexes around here, there has to be ONE that’s a good fit for me. 

It doesn’t even have to be perfect. Just a tiny little apartment; hell, I’d take a studio and line it with bookshelves! Make the whole place a library! Hell, I’d even prefer an apartment WITHOUT carpet! As long as it has a window for the doves (or an air conditioner), and an outlet for my laptop, it can be the shoddiest, most run-down ancient piece of architecture

...and, well, no health hazards like exposed wires and a moldy ceiling. But the housing agency wouldn’t let that unit pass the inspection, anyways.

It doesn’t even need a fridge; I’ll buy a $80 dorm fridge and it’ll do the job. I hardly eat enough to use a big fridge, anyways. Save on electricity that way...

Anyways, I’m walking down dreamy-tangent lane right now, but sometimes you gotta do a little dreambuilding to soothe the burn, you know? Letting go of the job search for awhile isn’t going to be easy. But I think that’s the only way I’ll find a home in time. I think that’s the only way my ADHD brain will let me Remember to Make Phone Calls when it’s 4pm on a Friday, or 10am on a Monday-- if I make it a routine.  And in order to make it a routine, I have to pare down what I’m doing on those days. And just... focus. 

Not just focus for an hour a day, but LASER focus on ACHIEVING a DREAM I’ve had since I was FOURTEEN, and failed to make permanent twice now... Getting OUT of here! I need to focus not just in external activity, but in internal dedication, consideration, hope, thoughts, wishes, and desires. It’s not about the output or activity-- I need to focus MYSELF on it.

Hyperfocus, even! Put on a little music while I do my research, find a place, and just call.

I gotta do that. I really, really need to start doing that... And the best way to find a spare spoon is to cut out the other things eating up your soon count. Like job searching. Like reading tough books and having tough conversations. Those things can wait until I’m in a better place, and I DON’T have a Definite and Rapidly-Approaching Deadline hanging over my head..... the same goes for time and energy too, come to think of it.

So starting Monday? I’m going to start going to these place and INQUIRING.