#It’s gross and nothing like this

[dinodaweeb]

Living with a gangster

Mafia man x Gn!Reader

Summary: moments in your life when your weirdo of a boyfriend gets you both in the most randomness possible scenarios. You love him though

a/n: ummm ummm writing for now bc my Apple Pencil broke so yeah!!

You’re on the couch, unwinding after a long day. The soft hum of the TV fills the room as you kick your feet up, enjoying a rare moment of peace. That peace shatters the moment your boyfriend walks through the door, looking like he’s been through hell and back.

There’s even stains on his white pants. Gross.

Bruised, bloodied, and entirely too proud of himself, he barges in with a grin plastered on his face. “I brought you something,” he says, and there’s a certain cockiness in his voice that you’ve come to expect from him.

You turn to look, already knowing whatever he’s holding will be ridiculous. “What is it?”

You ask, trying to suppress the exhaustion from your voice.

With a flourish, he reveals a ragged, battered stuffed bear. Its fur is matted, and there’s a stain that could be blood—or maybe it’s just the bear’s battle scars. One of its eyes is hanging by a single thread.

“A battle bear,” he announces proudly.

You stare at it for a beat. “A what?”

“A battle bear. I had to fight a bunch of idiots to get it. It was a whole ordeal, but I thought you’d want it.”

You blink, deadpan. “So you got into a fight for a stuffed animal?”

“Yup,” he says, a little too smug for someone who just looked like they were hit by a bus. “It’s yours now. For protection, obviously. You’ll be safe with this thing. Like a bodyguard, but fluffier.”

You glance from him to the bear. “This thing looks like it’s seen better days. What kind of fight were you in?”

“It’s fine. Just a little blood. Nothing serious,” he assures, his grin widening. “So? Do you love it?”

You pause, still eyeing the mangled bear. “Sure, I guess. I don’t know if it’ll protect me, though. It looks like it’s seen as much action as you.”

He flops onto the couch next to you, snatching up the bear. “It’s a symbol of my dedication. Don’t downplay it.”

“You could do anything with it cry with it, cuddle, feed it, maybe even tell it about how much you love!”

“Nice try.” It’s just a thought but you are thinking he’s going to be the one to do those things.

It’s been a long day, and you were hoping for some peace. You’ve barely sat down on the couch when your boyfriend bursts in, completely out of nowhere, practically vibrating with excitement.

“I missed you!” he exclaims, then immediately starts some unholy combination of spinning, hopping, and awkward flailing. His hips are nowhere near Shakira’s level of shaking.

He’s rattling like a broken supermarket cart.

You stare at him, eyebrows raised. “What in the world are you doing?”

“This is my I missed you dance,” he says, spinning once again like he’s in some bizarre action movie. “It’s a tradition now. Every time I come home, I perform it to show my appreciation for you.”

You blink. “A dance?”

He nods, still twisting around, his limbs making chaotic, out-of-rhythm movements. “Yup! It’s a way of showing how much I care about you.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” you say dryly, eyes narrowing as you watch him crash into the coffee table, almost toppling over the lamp. You can’t help but let out a sigh. “Are you done yet?”

He doesn’t answer, too busy still trying to perfect whatever this is. His leg kicks too high and knocks into the side of the bookshelf. He spins again, only to hit his elbow on the doorframe.

“You’re really not helping your case here,” you mutter, leaning back. “How exactly am I supposed to take you seriously when you’re like this?”

With a grunt, he halts his movements, standing tall like he just finished a perfect performance. “I’m a dangerous man, babe. Nobody could top this move.”

You stare at him, deadpan. “You’re a mess.”

He grins like he won the lottery. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

You walk through the door after running a simple errand. But as soon as you step inside, you’re met with your boyfriend standing in the living room, hands on his hips, wearing a look of complete panic.

“Where have you been?” he demands, voice high and tight with concern. “I’ve been worried as shit.. Do you know how long it’s been? What if something happened to you? Like if a Mario cosplayer asked for your number? Or if my boss figures out we make passionate love in ghost face costumes?”

You stop dead in your tracks, surprised by the sudden wave of intensity. “I was gone for two hours. I was grocery shopping,” you say, already regretting not texting him sooner.

His expression doesn’t change. “Two hours? That’s two hours I had no idea where you were! You could’ve gotten hurt! Kidnapped! I could have sent the team after you!”

You blink, trying to process his frantic words. “It was just the store. I’m fine. I didn’t even leave the neighborhood.”

“But what if something happened?” He’s pacing now, completely ignoring the fact that you’ve been walking around the block for the last hour. “You could have been in danger, and I wouldn’t have even known! What if the old man that looks like Santa Claus down the steep seduced you?”

“What—“

“And was successful. Who am I to Santa? Nothing but a little elf whore…”

“Um.”

“Actually fuck Santa. He ain’t shit.”

“Okay.”

“Anyways, Do you want me to hire bodyguards?”

“I’m not a delicate flower,” you say, trying to stay calm. “You don’t have to act like I’m going to break if I leave for an hour.”

He stops pacing, suddenly pulling you into a tight hug, his arms firm but careful. “I know, I know. You once broke my back when we were roleplaying WWE. And in be—“

“Oi.”

“Besides! You’re my responsibility. I need you safe.”

You sigh, your annoyance melting away as his possessiveness becomes more endearing than aggravating. “You’re a freak, you know that?”

He smiles into your shoulder, his tone softened. “And you match it~”

You couldn’t deny that.

You’re lounging on the couch, scrolling through your phone, when you hear the front door open. Your boyfriend walks in, holding two absurdly oversized leather jackets with a grin that suggests he’s up to no good.

“Guess what I got!” he announces.

You glance at him, already sensing where this is going. “What now?”

“Matching jackets,” he says, looking far too pleased with himself for someone who just spent way too much money on something totally unnecessary.

You look at the jackets, confused. “Those things are huge. They’ll swallow me whole.”

“Nonsense!” He’s practically bouncing with excitement. “It’s part of the look. Look how badass we’ll look together. We’ll be like this power couple!”

You pull the jacket on, and it nearly engulfs you. You feel like you’re drowning in leather, and you can barely move your arms.

You glance at him. “This is a terrible idea. I can’t even lift my arms.”

He looks at you with a deadpan stare. “Exactly. That’s the point. We’re untouchable.”

You sigh, crossing your arms, trying not to let the ridiculousness of the situation break your composure. “You realize we’re going to look like two absolute try-hards?”

“Nope.”

He shrugs, unfazed. “I look hot. You look hot. Who cares about looking normal when you look cool?”

You snort, rolling your eyes. “We look like walking couches.”

It happens when you’re having an absolutely normal movie night. Popcorn, blankets, a chilled drink. Everything’s perfect. And then, in the middle of a dramatic scene, your boyfriend suddenly turns to you with a completely straight face.

“I killed someone today,” he says, his voice holding the same tone if he just did a wet fart. “45 years old. Kids. Pretty tragic, actually. But he had it coming. I mean he did—”

You freeze, popcorn halfway to your mouth. “Wait. What?”

He shrugs, clearly uninterested in your reaction. “Yeah, I mean, he was a threat. Had to be dealt with. He won’t be a problem anymore.”

“Are you… are you serious?” You blink rapidly, your mind struggling to catch up with what you just heard.

“Yeah, well, that’s gang life for you.” He leans back, popping a piece of popcorn in his mouth like he’s just told you about his day at the office. “It’s not all fun and games, y’know.”

You can’t form a coherent response, too shocked by the casual way he talks about murder. “You just… killed someone. And then sat down to watch a movie?”

He glances at you, unphased. “Yeah, and? We were supposed to watch this, right? Can we watch breaking bad next? Bald Walter is spank bank material.”

“Um ew.”

“Just don’t sweat the small stuff, babe.”

You stare at him in silence for a moment, the absurdity of the situation slowly sinking in. “You are the weirdest person I’ve ever met.”

“Thanks. I try.” He says it so casually, then immediately falls asleep like it’s just another day.

What the hell.

[lazylittledragon]

ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:

i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???

[xeemaee]

please do yourself a favor and read the labru cannibalism comic. here’s the link. do it. even if you think it won’t be your thing cause of the cannibalism like… no its so good please read it. like is it smut? yes? no? maybe?? is it cannibalism? yeah but no????? are there dungeon meshi spoilers???? yes but also not very obvious ones?????? just…. read it.

[cubbihue]

chimmy changa timmy, why do you hate muffins? am I missing some of the lore?

Timmy doesn't like how they taste. No matter who, how or where they're made, the muffins are all the same to him. It's frustrating because he knows they shouldn't be.

And each time he walks away feeling immense disappointment. Like something should've happened.

He does his best to avoid eating them, but, Timmy found that people react weirdly when you say you don't like muffins. So he eats them anyways. He's unfortunately surrounded by muffin-nuts.

Bitties Series: [Start] > [Previous] > [Next]

[st5lker]

the neverending quest random unfunny 20 follower tumblr users have to become the next slimetony or whatever has once again resulted in people saying weird gross shit that makes no sense and if you tried it in real life would at best get an awkward pity laugh whilst your company mentally noted not to invite you to outings again

[felidaeng]

queennnn

[katabay]

I spent so long trying to decide on a line of dialogue to use for a caption, but EVERY line of dialogue these two have in the bachelor’s route that mentions the other makes me feel like I’ve been shoved into the middle of an intense fever dream. how am I supposed to pick just one!! you can’t do one without the other!!! or the third (daniil)!!!! cant wait to someday see what the patho2 bachelor’s route will do to me

⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app / tip jar!

[suusoh]

"Johan would be a gross kisser. Change my mind."

FACTS. I feel like him feeling human emotions really makes him sloppy at romantic interactions and borderline needy at times. He's like catching up on things he had "lost" during him being a "nameless monster". Forgive him for being absurdly gross, it's his first shot at life after being ontologically dead for most of his existence. 😭

ontologically dead is such an accurate way of phrasing it I love it!! Like exactly!!! This is Johan's first try at being human. He's going to go through human experiences now in all the wrong, repressed, and ungraceful ways. Key word: ungraceful. Which is why Johan kissing you, like actually kissing you, after years of meaningless social interaction, is gonna be soooooooooooo messy and gross. He's gonna be like some hungry teenager with his first crush. THE most unrefined kissing you can think of. Smushing his face against you, pushing his lips towards yours a bit too hard, parting your mouth, tongue slipping in and rubbing against yours, and exploring everything so fully and deeply. He's exploring the missing parts of his humanity through all the little nooks and crannies of your mouth. I'm gonna be so gross here but it will feel like he's literally trying to clean your mouth out HFKLAHDJH forgive him. He just needs to leave no stone unturned okay. He wouldn't allow himself to part for just a second, even when you try to catch your breathe his lips don't leave yours, opened and catching in everything you're giving him. Your breathe, your spit, everything. You'd be inhaling each other at that point :/// sorry. It could be kinda hot at first? if you squint hard enough?? but as the kiss prolongs it feels less like a kiss and more like a dental checkup fhaskdfjl. This is his first time being human. Let him be messy, let him be ungraceful, let him be gross.

[elleloquently]

tlou2 trailer dropped so reminder that the second game sucks and that the creator is a piece of shit and zionist

but i read comments for 30 seconds and got annoyed, suddenly the fanboys who claim that ellie being a lesbian is “pushing an agenda” don’t seem to mind that anymore with the casting of dina !!!

gave her clean clothes and a blowout, girl looks like she just stepped out of american eagle and the men are loving it and i’m disgusted. i’ve already seen posts about how they “improved dina’s look” and im so so annoyed like this is fully a vent LMFAO everything ab the second game/second season/fans just uuugggghhhhh

[lilaccatholic]

Probably SUCH an unpopular opinion except in my little corner of the world, but BOY would Bridgerton so be my thing if it weren't for all the sex scenes

[tangyyrine]

Genuinely if you go see Captain America 4/Brave New World or wtv the corny name is (aka the movie with an explicit Zionist propaganda character played by a huge Zionist) in theaters, you are showing support for Israel!

BDS has issued a boycott on Marvel since November because of Marvel’s inclusion of Sabra in Captain America 4. The fact Marvel would even consider bringing Sabra back, especially NOW, is absolutely disgusting. There needs to be pushback against this movie, since Marvel officially won’t be removing her from it.

Sabra’s character and comic appearances include anti-Palestinian and anti-Arab racism, as well as being very pro-military, pro-police, and of course, pro-Israel. This post goes more into depth about Sabra and why you should be against her being in the movie (not my post but I still think it’s very informative)

“But Sabra’s character will be changed in the movie!!” It does not matter. The actor is a Zionist who served in the IDF and supports Israel. If Marvel truly intended to fully separate the movie character from her comic counterpart, why would they pick a Zionist actor who served in Israel’s military? Sabra’s origins can’t be ignored, especially when the actor continues to support Israel’s genocide against Palestinians.

Please boycott Marvel, especially Captain America 4. Show Marvel that Zionism will not be normalized or tolerated 🇵🇸

[2beebebetter]

The downfall of OWONekko has been so insane it doesn’t even feel real like this woman got called out on one bad take she had and immediately started acting like a 4channer 0.00000000001 seconds after it happened

[punkeropercyjackson]

Everytime a fandom ableist insists two characters who have tons of romantic chemistry have a siblings or parent and child dynamic because one of them is very blatantly autistic-coded and they think that means they're too immature and therefore 'not good enough' for their love interest,i gain a new headcanon of my ships where one is an age regressor to cope with their trauma and the other is their caregiver

[nuclearanomaly]

Post workout cuddle, y/n?

pose ref

[joanofexys]

the next time i see a MAN criticizing a hijabi, or a muslim woman in general, on the way she should be dressing i am going to hit him with my car

[higgins5]

Okay I know there’s a lot of outrage over the special addition books on aftg twt right now cause they were a lot of money… (I get it, I’m broke okay)

But Im Like lowkey cackling at all the mistakes

Like what the actual fuck. It’s just so funny to me- like I’m kicking my feet over here

Andrew is listed as a backliner

Allison is a striker

The raven king dust jacket has the foxhole court summary on the back

The foxes vs ravens ticket is from 2014 not 2007

Oh and let’s not forget the only mistake they MEANT to keep in as an homage to the original books. The double chapter 13s

It’s like an eye spy of mistakes over here!

But I am absolutely in love with Nora’s little stick figure drawings on the dust jackets. Like hello??? How cute?! Like thank you @korakos , I appreciate you with my entire heart and soul. I smiled so big when I saw that (lowkey, makes it worth every penny)