#It’s either too dark of a scene or he came out of the pickle jar

[welcome-to-green-hills]

It kind of says if lot of on shadow since you didn’t put him on the two spot. I would have thought that you’d put him there.

ASDFGHJKL! He needs a towel first before I can properly place him😂

[aphroditeinthesea]

heyyyy could you write jason x daughter of Poseidon. where the reader gets taken with percy to camp jupiter and when the argo two arrives jason and the reader slowly become flirty friends. but at a very unfortunate time they flirting turns too real.

“ sparks fly ”

jason grace x daughter of poseidon ⚡️

i really don’t like how this turned out but i hope it’s okay that this is half hcs, half one shot-ish and tbh i didn’t wanna post this but also didn’t wanna like ignore this request

⋆ ˚｡ 𓆟 🌊 𓆞 ˚｡ ⋆

- y/n was holding onto her brother’s arm as she tried to get through the crowd of people

- “is that…?”

- but her brother didn’t hear as his green eyes locked with grey ones

- but she heard reyna speak and her attention turned to someone else

- “jason grace, my former colleague”

- when she looked forward, she saw the most beautiful boy she had ever laid eyes on

- although she was soon distracted by her brother leaving her grasp

- she let go of his arm and let him run to his girlfriend

- as everyone watched the scene unfold, she turned to look back at the son of jupiter

- only to find blue eyes meeting hers

- she quickly looked away but couldn’t hide the pink on her cheeks

- when she got to know him, the way she felt only grew

- she found herself doing everything in her power to talk to him

- sitting next to him at meals or even acting like she needed help with something she could completely do herself

- “hey, jason, can you grab that for me?” she would ask, pointing to a high shelf

- “yeah of course,” he would always respond

- but she would watch as his shirt would slightly show his abs as he leaned up

- and percy would be standing behind her like🧍‍♂️

- but when a monster attacked the ship and was 2 seconds away from killing jason???

- y/n was there in a second, slicing that monster

- and jason was like “that was amazing for someone who can’t open a jar of pickles”

- and she was like “i know right”

- or when she came into his room late at night after having a nightmare

- “is it okay if i stay with you?” she whispered into the darkness

- “of course,” he was already awake so he scooted over to make room for her

- she quickly took the spot next to him and let herself burrow next to him

- “why didn’t you ask your brother?”

- she couldn’t think of an answer

- after all, there was her brother or annabeth, who she had known for far longer than the boy she laid next to

- she just sighed and finally spoke again

- “i knew you’d be awake”

- that wasn’t the last time she did that either

- every nightmare she had, she would find her way to his room where he welcomed her with open arms

- but when percy and annabeth fell into tartarus, the nightmares only worsened

- night after night, she would wake up in a sweat

- she got too embarrassed to keep bothering jason, which he took notice to

- one night he found her sitting in the mess hall, staring off into space

- “y/n?”

- she looked up at him and tried to force a smile

- “are you okay?”

- “why wouldn’t i be?”

- he took the seat next to her, “can’t sleep?”

- she shook her head, “i just know i’ll be waking up soon enough from a nightmare, so why even try?”

- he worriedly looked at her, but she wouldn’t even face him

- “you need to sleep, y/n,” he whispered

- she stayed silent

- “you can stay in my room, i really don’t mind”

- still silence

- “y/n?”

- “i don’t have a crush on you,” she suddenly spoke and looked up at him

- his eye widened, “what?”

- “i thought i had a crush on you, but i don’t, jase”

- he felt his heart heavy as he still stared at her

- “jason, i am so in love with you”

- he completely froze, his brain basically short circuiting

- kind of literally too as his hands slightly sparked when she spoke

- “i’m sorry, i had to tell you. there’s just so much going on right now, and trying to hide that was just one more thing i had to stress about”

- “no, y/n, it’s okay”

- “really?”

- “really.”

- she looked away, “i should get to bed anyways”

- she began walking away but he followed behind her, “wait”

- she turned around, waiting for the embarrassment to hit her

- but instead only a pair of lips did

- “i love you, too.”

- she didn’t say anything as she pulled him into another kiss

[stonecoldjerseyfox]

Jersey on my mind (part 17)

The wind whips Daryl’s face as he passes the tarnished sign at such a high speed he’s sure he’s gonna drive the motorcycle to its breaking point. ‘Alexandria; a fresh start’ flies by like an arrow. Dammit, it’s not going fast enough. But it’s dark and he doesn’t want to risk colliding with any backliners from the herd. 

As soon as they reached an intersection Daryl took off, leaving Sasha and Abraham to lead the herd the last couple of miles. He would never have left unless he was sure they would make it on their own. 

He’s sure something happened back at Alexandria, just knows something has happened. Over the walkie talkie he could hear something was not right. He called out to Rick, without getting an answer. Then radio silence followed. 

He increases speed, squeezes the throttle, pushes the bike to the limit. How long has he been driving? He had to take an unbearable detour to avoid the herd. A short distance he had to drive out into the terrain to get around a dozen cars, blocking the road. Just when Daryl thinks that he must be close, he pulls the brake and digs the heels of his boots down the tarmac. The tires squeaks and starts to smoke from the friction. Daryl stops with a thud and breathes frantically by the sight in front of him. It's the back of the herd, the one that broke off by the sound of the horn earlier. It must be at least twenty of them blocking the road to Alexandria. He can’t take them down on his own, not now. 

He quickly gets off the motorcycle and pushes it down the ditch, further into the forest out of sight of the flock. He ducks behind some bushes and tries to gather his thoughts. Rick doesn’t respond to the walkie talkie. Walkers may have surrounded Alexandria. That’s all he knows at this time. He has to leave the motorcycle and continue on foot. He therefore begins to leap through the woods in the dark. Why doesn't he see anything? If everything were as usual, Daryl would've seen lights from Alexandria. But he sees nothing. With determined steps he moves rapidly through the forest. 

His heart beats frantically in his chest and the sweat is running down his forehead as he starts to run, as the terrain gets more accessible. Not until he approaches the edge of the forest and sees the wall and the walkers, pressing up against it, desperately, or miraculously, trying to walk straight through it. In addition, it is completely silent, except for the growling, guttural sounds from the dead bastards. And, yeah, the truck, driven straight into the wall by the church. Something’s definitely happened. Daryl leans up against a tree branch, out of sight. He finds the button on the walkie talkie.

“Rick?”

No answer.

“Rick?”

It’s useless. Radio-silence has never been more clear. He looks out from behind the tree, knows what he has to do to get back inside. And it won’t be through the main gate, but over it. Daryl makes sure the crossbow is loaded, feels his heartbeat increase. With the crossbow raised in front of him, Daryl moves quickly and smoothly, towards the wall; looks to the right, to the left and back to the right… 

Fifteen seconds. That’s how long it takes before he’s discovered. Fifteen seconds before a limping bastard attacks and Daryl puts an arrow straight between its cloudy eyes, before continuing making his way towards the wall. He’s scared of what's on the other side, scared of what he might see. Will there be a massive slaughter scene? Bodies scattered around the streets? He shakes off the thought, approaching the wall and the walkers, pressing themselves up towards it. He runs towards the truck, that's his only chance. To get up on top of it and over to the other side, into Alexandria. He starts to climb. The truck has driven straight into the corner of the church. He manages to get on top and runs over the trailer. He stops at the hood, holding his breath. The sight on the other side gets him off balance. No carnage. No dead bodies. It’s dark, silent and he doesn't see a single person. Except-

“Daryl!”

Spencer stares at him from the watchtower, as if he can’t believe his eyes. He looks fine. Unharmed. 

“What happened?” Daryl says and climbs down the truck and makes his way over to the watchtower. 

“Wolves.” Spencer replies in a lowered voice. “They attacked. But we made it. We got ‘em.” 

From the main gate, Daryl sees both Aaron and Maggie approaching him. He directly sees in Maggie’s eyes that something is not right. Aaron looks relieved and worried, but unharmed as well. Where are the others? That’s what he asks when he embraces Maggie.

“They're not back.” she says stiffly.

“Have you seen them?” Aaron asks.

Daryl shakes his head, telling that he left Abraham and Sasha to lead the herd. They should be on their way back by now. Hopefully. They start to walk towards the house. On the way, they pass smeared blood on the ground, a tame attempt to clean up in the streets. People are starting to appear on their porches. The houses are darkened and there’s a generally subdued atmosphere over the Safe-Zone.

In the distance, Daryl sees Rick coming towards him, with Michonne by his side. Carl stands on the porch and out of the house comes Carol. Whatever happened here, they managed to turn the situation in their favor. Everything seems calm. Yet the mood is low. 

“You came back?” Rick says when he stops in front of him. 

“Yeah.”

“I had it under control.”

“Didn’t sound like that.” Daryl scoffs and nods at the walkie talkie. “What happened?”

“The Wolves attacked the RV.” Rick replies. “I asked you to stay.”

Daryl doesn't know what to say. On one hand he wants to yell that Rick could lift the damn walkie talkie and respond, but at the same time he’s ashamed; ashamed that he did the opposite of what he promised him. Just because he can’t control his emotions. The situation is saved by Carol, who hugs him.

“I'm happy you’re back.” she says softly and smiles. “We’re fine. All of us.” 

Her way of emphasizing 'all of us' makes Daryl wonder if she can really read thoughts after all. Daryl’s eyes search for someone. Someone whom he doesn’t see at first, but who then hurries down the porch, seemingly well, but with a deadpan face. Mila walks, or rather strides towards him. 

For a second Daryl’s sure that she’s gonna give him a punch right in the kisser. Unlike Carol's warm smile, Mila looks stern. Therefore, he’s both surprised and relieved when Mila strikes her arms around his neck, pulls him into a tight embrace and presses her body against his. Daryl thinks he’s going to break, or melt and turn into a puddle. It feels like a ton of bricks is lifted off his back, the belt around his chest is completely gone. He hasn’t thought about how short she is before. He inhales the scent of her, her hair. A cocktail of flowers, something warm and spicy, that makes him almost feverish, combined with vodka. Has she been drinking? 

He wants to say something. Damn it, he wants to say a lot of things. But once again, his ability to speak has gone into hiding somewhere. Mila lets go of his neck and takes a step back. He lets go of her, but that embrace felt better than anything he’d ever felt before. It was real. Warm. Special.

“Sorry I was a jerk this morning.” 

Really? That’s what he has to say to her? He has had plenty of time to figure out what to say to her during his ride back here. Dammit his heart is about to burst and all he has to say is… that? 

“I-” it’s as if she doesn’t know what to say either. Instead she points her index finger at him. “I was worried!” 

“Fine, stop.. pointing at me.” 

“I point because I care!” Mila sputters and turns on the spot, her ponytail slaps him on the arm, and walks back towards the house. 

Daryl finds Mila in the kitchen later, after being briefed by Rick and the others on the current situation. Mila’s standing at the kitchen island, looking at two white slices of bread lying on the counter in front of her. Next to them stands jars of pickles, peanut butter and jam, everything she managed to find in the kitchen cupboards. It’s the vodka bottle next to the strawberry jam that catches his attention. There’s a small amount left on the bottom of the big bottle. She has kept herself busy. It’s impressive she’s standing on her legs. 

When he heard the others talk about what had happened, how the Wolves attacked the Safe-Zone and its residents, Daryl could hardly believe his ears. Not his eyes either probably, if he’d been there. Mila had given them a real rumble. Like a freight train she’d attacked the Wolves, wearing what sounded like jeans, bra, boots and the fedora hat. In addition, they had put the Wolf, who caused Mila her wound in the woods, in the makeshift cell. He was in poor condition. Partly because of Mila, who shot his kneecap to pieces and then tortured him, without so much as a wink. On the contrary. If Spencer told the truth, Mila smiled while she did it. 

“She was completely… I mean-” Spencer grasped for words. “It didn’t bother her. At all.”

Daryl looks at the woman in the kitchen, who seems to consider whether she should open the jar with pickles or peanut butter first. Mila looks up and meets his gaze. 

 ”You’ve washed up.” she says. ”Pigs are gonna start flying too?”

Again, his entire oral cavity is transformed into something similar to the driest desert. Soon I’ll start spitting sand, Daryl thinks and swallows. Mila doesn’t take notice however. She nods to the bottle with a led label. 

“There's a sip left on the bottom.” she says. “If you want it.”

“Nah, I’m good.” he manages to utter. “More interested in something to eat.”

Mila holds out her hands.

“This is what the kitchen offers tonight. I'm no Carol in the kitchen but... there’s-” she holds up the jar with pickled cucumber. “Pickles. And peanuts butter. And boring, white, bread.”  

“Ain’t nothing wrong with this.” Daryl takes one of the bread slices in front of her and takes a bite.

“It's made of dust and air.” Mila notes and glares at him. “Why’d you come back?”

“Does it matter?”

Mila shrugs her shoulders, takes the jar of pickles and opens it. He wants to tell her. Tell her that he cares. Why does it have to be that difficult? While struggling with his inner thoughts, Mila takes a cucumber out of the jar, sticks it between her teeth and starts eating. She unscrews the cork on the vodka bottle and takes a small sip.

“How’s the scrapbooking?” 

“I’ll be fine.” Mila replies. “You didn’t answer. Why did you come back?” 

Daryl looks up at her through squinting eyes. On the inside he’s like a storm, and yet he manages to stay calm. She gives him a sense of peace of mind; yeah, besides himself pondering himself into madness over his own feelings. Daryl could accuse her of causing him to feel like that and withdraw and avoid her. But he doesn't want to. He likes her. He likes spending time with her. 

He remembers the dinner the night before. All of a sudden, while the others, him included, talked over the table, he heard how Mila began to lull Juri to sleep. Very quietly she hummed a song to get him to fall asleep. 

Daryl hesitates before he opens his mouth. 

“You remember that song you hummed last night-” he starts to hum and Mila looks, with slight surprise, at him. A faint smile appears on her lips. She clearly didn’t know he heard. ”I thought about that.” Daryl’s gaze intensifies. ”I missed it- missed you.”

It took him all of his willpower, all of his courage and guts, to say it. His eyes flicker between her face and his own hands. Before Mila can reply from the other side of the counter, they are interrupted by the sound of small feet against stairs. 

“Go back to bed, Malysh.” Mila says towards Juri, standing in the stairs, barefoot, in pajamas, grasping the ear of a stuffed toy rabbit in his hand. “I'll make you a sandwich. Let’s go.”

Juri doesn’t move. Instead he bursts into a big smile when he sees Daryl.

“Listen to her, kiddo.” Daryl says. 

Juri nods and climbs back upstairs, holding the stuffed toy rabbit. Daryl turns his head back towards Mila. Did she even hear him pour out his heart, seconds ago? He doesn’t dare to find out.

“He seems okay?” he asks instead.

“If you mean about before-” Mila opens the jar with peanut butter. “He’s fine.”

“Heard ya’ saved the whole place?” 

She chuckles. 

“Which drunk did you talk to, if I may ask?” Mila meets his gaze while she spreads a layer of peanut butter over the bread. “I didn’t. I helped… a little. It’s a big difference.” She puts the lid back on the jar with peanut butter and opens the jar of jam. “If anything, I think I did a… not that charming first impression on the residents. Now, I’m known as the crazy Russian girl, torturing people in her underwear.”

“Thought they were joking ‘bout that part.” he says and feels a rush of heat run throughout his body.

“The torturing or the bra?” Mila smirks. “I’m afraid not. I’m damaged goods, Daryl. I’m ‘bra and torture’-crazy.” Mila takes a new slice of bread, presses it on top of the other and puts the sandwich on a plate. “More about that another time. Sorry, I have to... feed my offspring.” She nods to the plate. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

Mila gives him a tired, but warm, smile before she leaves the kitchen and hurries up the stairs, leaving Daryl more confused than before.

[narirose]

Out of Sight, Out of Mind - Chapter 11

Watching the three Alteans try pizza for the first time was a sight to see. They were confused by the different toppings and types, especially with the added opinions off all of the Earthlings. Due to the large group of 12 people, they ordered 6 different pizzas with different combinations of toppings. By the time the group had revealed all of their weird combinations, the Alteans and Galran were skeptical. They tried Shiro and Keith’s first because of better judgment and kept the weirdest for last. That meant Pidge would be able to eat in peace for a while.

Allura ultimately liked just cheese, Krolia liked Shiro and Keith’s, Romelle liked Hunk’s Pineapple and Ham, and of course, Coran enjoyed Pidge and Matt’s. Their pizza was basically just a combination of all of the topping they could possibly get onto a pizza. Usually, the small pizza place only allowed about three toppings per pizza, but the Holt family got an exception because they were friends of the owners.

Pidge was aching to watch some Earth movies so the group decided they should just hang out all night, but they needed a few things first. They sent Lance, Hunk, Pidge, Keith, and Matt to the corner store a couple blocks down. Ultimately, they sent Keith into the store alone, and video called him so that they would be able to see. Pidge and Matt couldn’t go in because the store was owned by family friends, and Lance and Hunk couldn’t go in because they’d visited the store a few times when they visited Pidge back while they were still in high school. That left Keith. The red paladin walked aimlessly around the store for a couple minutes, allowing the group to make decisions about what they wanted to get. They had about 50 bucks, but Keith doubted they would use all of it. Most of the items in the store were only a dollar or two.

“Stop!” Lance shouted. Keith jumped back at the sudden noise. “Pick up those. The Bugles, they’re essential!” “Bugles? Out of all the Earth foods to miss, you miss Bugles?” “Uh, Yeah! They’re a classic. Plus I need to show y’all something.” “Okay…” Laughing, Keith grabs a package and keeps walking.

Every once in a while he stops and picks up a new item that the group suggested. Most of them were sweets but every few minutes he’ll be asked to pick up something weird like mini pepperoni and nacho cheese sauce. Hunk wanted smores materials and Matt wanted almost every sour candy in there. He also picked up a couple things that Shiro and Mr. and Mrs. Holt wanted. After almost an hour of walking around the small convenience store, he walked up to the register. He was carrying two full shopping baskets full of junk food and he probably looked crazy. Keith ended up using all 50 bucks and even having to call Lance in to lend him another eight bucks. He then proceeded to awkwardly carry eight bags of junk food and liters of soda out the door.

By the time they got back, the group of adults had already chosen three movies to vote from. They ended up watching Star Wars, ironically. Since they hadn’t been on Earth for quite some time, they decided to watch The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. Keith, Pidge, Lance, and Hunk sat smushed together on the couch. Throughout the first movie, Keith quietly whispered questions between Lance and Pidge, about the series and who all the characters were. They were patient until he asked what 'the force' is. Pidge jumped up and pointed an accusatory finger at him. Shiro paused the movie and turned around to see the scene unfold.

“I can’t believe it,” they held the back of their hand to their forehead, sighing dramatically, “Keith of all people, my fellow nerd, hasn’t seen a single Star Wars movie, plus he doesn’t even know what the force is!” “I guess as a kid I never had anyone to watch it with, so I never really got into it.” Keith defended. “Oh my gosh, my poor Keith!” Lance whispered, putting a hand on Keith’s shoulder. “We must teach you!”

For the next thirty minutes, Hunk, Lance, Matt, and Pidge took it upon themselves to teach their fellow paladin all about Star Wars, its ships, and its theories. By the end, they prided themselves on getting Keith hooked into the story and characters, and they even got Shiro interested in the very, very in-depth theories. They unpaused the movie and continued watching.

Halfway into The Last Jedi, Lance hopped up and ran to the kitchen. He came back hauling all the bags of food they had gotten, and proceeded to pass them out. He passed Shiro his candied pineapple and YooHoo and Matt his Pringles and huge jar of pickles. Then he passes the liters of soda and bags of pre-popped popcorn over to Colleen and Sam and then continued to pass out the rest to his friends sitting on the couch. He handed Keith a bottle of soy milk and a gigantic bag of hot fries, Hunk his Funyuns and dark chocolate, and Pidge their sour patch kids and peanut butter cookies. Then he plopped himself in between Keith and Hunk and pulled out his Bugles and packages of Oreos. The five had also picked up a couple basic things like gummy worms, Hershey’s chocolate, Doritos, etc so that the non-earthlings could try all of the “amazing cuisine” that they had here on Earth. They watched the movie and passed their snacks around so that the Alteans and Galran would get the full experience.

After the movie ended, Pidge jumped up and popped Mamma Mia into the DVD player. Mr. and Mrs. Holt had already retired to their room, and Allura, Romelle, Krolia, and Coran had gone to sleep in the guest room. Meanwhile, Matt had grabbed a couple of sleeping bags for them to sleep on. Most of them were either asleep or about to be, but when the yellow and blue paladins heard ‘I have a Dream’ playing, they jumped up and immediately started to sing along. Although the opening song only lasted about a minute, the three had sung and laughed enough to wake Keith and Matt. The two newly awake people, looked blearily around the room to see the group of teens dancing around the room.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Keith asked, still half asleep. “Um, We’re only watching one of the best movies ever made!” Lance answered, jumping on the couch next to where Keith was sitting. “K’mon Keith! Dance with us!”

Lance pulls Keith to his feet and drags him to the center of the living room where the other two were dancing. Instead of dancing like the rest of them, Keith awkwardly stands there until he decides he would rather go raid the kitchen for a late night snack.

“Keith! Grab me more pickles!” Matt shouts to the red paladin. “I’m not doing that! I still remember when we were younger and Adam, Shiro and I had to take you to the hospital for drinking too much pickle juice.” “What!?”Pidge gasps and pauses their jumping to turn around. “I never knew that! I mean, I knew Matt had a problem, but not that big of a problem!” “Yeah,” The suddenly hear Shiro say from his positing sleeping on the ground, “That was not a fun trip to the hospital. I was the one that had to explain to the nurse what was wrong with you.” “Haha, sorry Shiro!” Matt said before flopping back down onto his sleeping bag.

Keith came back with a glass of regular milk and some Oreos, and sat next to Matt, watching the three teens dance around. He dipped his Oreos in the milk, and when he ran out of cookies to eat, he chugged the glass.

“Keith, you’re gonna regret that” Shiro sang from his own sleeping bag. “Whatever, I’ll deal with the problem in the morning” “What’s the problem,” Lance wheezed, sitting next to Shiro. He had just finished belting out a song with Hunk and Pidge and overheard the conversation. “Keith, here,” Shiro motioned to the red paladin, “Is lactose intolerant, but refuses to admit it.” “Because I’m not!” Keith huffs. Sure, milk maybe made his stomach hurt, but that didn’t mean he was lactose intolerant. That would mean he had a weakness… And Keith did NOT have weaknesses. And ever since we found out he’s part Galran, I’ve been trying to convince him that’s the reason.” Shiro said. “Awwweee, Is Keith upset that he can’t have milk because he’s part space kitty!?” Lance said, ruffling Keith’s hair. “Am not!” Keith growled, swatting Lance’s hand away, “Now can we please stop talking about my disagreement with milk!” “Sure, sure,” Lance waved his hand, changing the subject. “So did y’all wanna see why I wanted the Bugles.” “Sure.” Everyone said in unison, Hunk being the only one who was actually excited.

Lance pulled out the bag of Bugles and grabbed a blanket that was draped across the back of the couch. He adorned the blanket over his head and arranged the Bugles over his fingertips. “It is I, Haggar, the space-witch! I took the beautiful man's arm and then made a clone of him! I've tortured 6 teens for years and given then all anxiety and PTSD. I also have an Amazing husband and son who have killed trillions of people! Now give me all the quintessence!” He said in his best imitation of Haggar. The others burst into laughter, as a proud Lance watched his friends. It had been so long since any of them had joked around about their situation, that by the time they were done laughing, all of their faces were beet red. “You’re right Lance,” Keith said slowly, trying to regulate his breathing, “the Bugles were essential.” Now it was Lance’s turn to become beet red. He laughed and said, “I told you, so!”

--- --- ---

One musical later, the group of friends gathered on Pidge’s living room floor. They laid on old sleeping bags, talking in the dark. Pidge brought out their old star projector, and they set it up so it was facing the ceiling. They talked about what they were excited about, and what they would do after the war was over. They didn’t want to get too deep, so they only talked about the places they would go or the people they would see.

“What if we get to meet like... Oprah and Ellen... or like The Obamas!” Pidge suddenly said, throwing their hands up into the air. “Oh, I guess I never thought about that,” Shiro said, in deep thought. “Yeah, we’re gonna be so famous!” Lance whispered. He didn’t know how he would feel about all of the attention, but maybe he could finally be able to buy his mother the nice beach house she always wanted, or buy his brothers and sisters new stuff so that they wouldn’t steal his. “Haha, but we still have to finish this war, so stay alive!” Matt joked, grimly. “Wow, way to kill the mood, Matt,” the green paladin said, as they aimlessly punched at their brother’s arm. “Ok, well now that I’m thinking about the possibility of death, I’m ecstatic, so I’m gonna go to sleep now so that I can start dreaming about it!” the red paladin said in a monotone voice, turning on his side. “Yeah, same.” Shiro laughed, pulling the covers over himself. “Yeah, I think Hunk’s been asleep for a few minutes so I will, too.” Lance followed. “Please don’t wake me until at least 10,” Pidge grumbled as they flopped onto their stomach.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

[i-am-total-sketch]

Two Night Stand

I Made a Wattpad

Chapter 1:The ex who fucked it up

Chapter 2: Not Quite Stranger Danger

Chapter 3: All We Got to Do I Just Be Friends

Chapter 2: Not Quite Stranger Danger

Chapter 4:B.U.D.D.Y?

Chapter 5: The Night is still young (WARNING: Fingering)

Who was performing again? Some EDM artist I had never heard of. But that didn't matter at all to me. What mattered to me was that I would be getting free alcohol and dancing the night away.

 Before going abroad I was a total homebody. I loved to dance but none of my friends even wanted to try it. So i hosted movie nights and alcohol free events for us, and it was cool. But I was a dancing machine who needed to move. When I had taken orgo, I befriended the only other black girl in the class and we really hit it off.

She understood my perils on every level. Suburban black girl, premed, dry personality. Hell, we would get drunk before parties and come home and watch justice league together. She was honestly my saving grace. And because all black people knew each other and the entire football team was black at this pwi, she got me in to every football party known to man, and we were kept safe by all of the big brother type figures in the room. She was honestly my antioxidant saving me from all the free radicals college had to offer. I honestly loved Linda like another sister.

She invited her bestie over and the three of us pregamed up a storm. Playing loud rap music on the tv speakers and drinking 151 like sailors. It was great. She helped me try to tame my frizzy roots but at the end of the day we settled on covering it with a beanie. The braids I had left in created "Beach waves" on my puffy hair and honestly it wasn't bad. I slapped on some dark berry colored liquid lipstick that I had gotten from the local beauty supply at home, and used my elf liner to make the most perfect wing anyone has ever seen in the history of wings. I put on some chunky heeled boots, and high waisted leggings. Heels always made my already curvy ass look perkier. I threw on a crop top, careful not to get makeup on it. I looked great. In my eyes, I could give Lauren London a run for her money! I was ready.

We went to the sports arena where the artist was playing and to my dismay the crowd was kind of dead. The last two years I had gone to springfest with my ex, once as a couple and the second time as friends, and I was hoping that I could make this one, the one without him, the best one. I went up to the crowd and swayed with the music, but this wasn't really hip swaying music, it was more jumping and fist pumping music. I spotted some of my old movie night friends and we took at least 100 selfies together. We laughed together at how dead the crowd was. I spotted Linda and her bestie Jessie conversing with some orgo friends out of the corner of my eye. It was so lame. But we all knew that the actual festivities happened after the concert at the after parties on campus. All I had to do was stay awake until then.

Between running to grab water bottles and free pizza in the back of the area and socializing with friends, I saw Derek enter the space, and right behind Derek was Cavan. I don't know why I was so excited to see him, more so than my actual friend. But I shoved that thought to the back of my mind. I ran up to them, quickly giving Derek a hug, and passed the two of them the water bottles that were meant for my other friends. Derek was clearly on something, but I didn't want to ask. Cavan was strangely sober.

I eyed him up and down. "Did you not drink?" My own words coming out slower than normal.

"Naw, I'm not into stuff like this." His hands were in the pockets of his bomber jacket.

"Okay well have fun!" I was really too intoxicated to say much more and I ran back to sway with my friends. It was 100% not my scene and I ended up heading home early with my friends. Linda and Jessie decided to take naps before going out again in 2 hours when the concert would end. I texted derek. "Are y'all having fun."

"Eh. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we came back"

I don't know what force compelled me but I had never left my apartment quicker. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the spanking flooding back into my memory, but I went back with the hopes of talking to Cavan.

The front door again was open and this time so was Derek's apartment. I waltzed in, noticing the red fairy lights were the only illumination. "Hello?"

"What." I looked down at the couch where the voice was coming from. Cvan was sitting and playing games on his phone.

"Where's Derek?"

"He's out."

"Oh." I pretended to be disappointed and took the seat next to Cavan on the couch.

He looked up from his phone. "So I saw the shot cup was empty."

"Yeah, because I drank it all like the bad bitch I am."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Really? Because when I tried to drink my water when I got home it tasted suspiciously like it had been mixed with jin."

The cat was out of the bag, I stayed silent Damn, how did I not notice that it was his water. I was honestly too tipsy to really care. Too tipsy to care about his water and too tipsy to care about rejection. So I changed positions, and layed down, my head in his lap, facing up at him. "I'm still tougher than you."

He brushed me off completely, ignoring my statement. But he put his phone down and rested his hand on my head.

This was as far as I had ever gotten when in came to flirting. I spent most of my formative years with my grandma and learned how to interact mostly from watched Monique on the Parkers. Somehow that usually worked, maybe because I was a semi attractive female. But I didn't think it would work here. So i just looked up at him, with my big eyes. I hope they were glowing in the dim light, but I'll never know what he saw. Where was this even going. What was I even doing. Here I was half drunk, laying in some guys lap that I had just met, looking up at him hoping my eyes are reflecting all of my dirty thoughts. I sat up, and sat on his lap, placing my hands on either side of his head, resting on the back of the couch. "I said, I'm still stronger than you." What the fuck was I doing.

His eyes turned playful. "You definitely are not, look how small your arms are."

I had seen this joke on the internet. When a girls says she wants to fight, it usually means she wants to fuck. In my 20 years of life, that statement had never been truer than it was now. I recalled the boys I used to dryly bully, hoping they would take the hint. This was as close as I had ever gotten to success.

I rested my full body weight on him. "No, I'm tough, you can't beat me." What was this voice coming out of me. Who was this talking. It like my subconscious had taken over and was trying to use intimidation to flirt. But before my thoughts could race anymore, Cavan had grabbed me by the waist and pinned me onto the loveseat. I blinked up at him, hoping my eyes were telling him to just kiss me.

Instead he just grabbed me again. He put his arm around my waist and rolled us so that he was on the couch and I was laying on top of him. Something about how easily he handled me was a turn on. My ex had never been any kinds of rough with me, I was this flower that was too delicate to do anything with but penetrate and kiss gently. My ex had referred to every session as "making love". But I didn't want to "make love." I hadn't been touched in over a year and here was this man setting my hormones on fire. I wanted to be fucked. Cavan looked down at me. I chickened out and tried to make my face as innocent as possible. No desire could be read on my face. He wrapped his arm around my waist and to make our positions more comfortable. His hand rested on the small of my back and I could feel how comfortable he was. I was comfortable, and where I wanted to be. I slowly started dozing off, and he did too.

I don't know how long we were napping, because next thing I knew there were three loud knocks on the door. Opened my eyes, figuring out my location orienting myself. The front door to the apartment opened, and Derek walked in looking at me with a blank expression. I tried to sit up but Cavan's arm was holding me in place. I looked up at him only to see that he hadn't been sleeping at all. Derek sighed and continued into his apartment followed by a group of our japanese class friends. Fuck. How do I play this off. Clearly they were all intoxicated, except for Ling who eye'd me and Cavan suspiciously.

The room was filled with drunken slurred half japanese and loud laughter. I was trapped on Cavan's body, feigning sleepiness. "This is all men are good for huh, personal space heaters and opening pickle jars." The room erupted in laughter and finally Cavan let me go and I got up. He sat up on the couch, slumping in his seat as if he were the most exhausted man on the planet. I was suddenly more alert than ever. I chatted with my friends and listened to a story about a fight breaking out over the last slice of the free pizza. This time Derek pulled out some plum wine from his own mini fridge in his room and we all took part, except Ling and Cavan. It was still early, I honestly should have been leaving soon.

Suddenly Cavan got up from his seat. "I drank too much, i'm gunna go to bed. Bro let me sleep in your bed."

Derek once again gave a blank look, but he always had a blank look. "Yeah, sure, there's just a lot of crap on my bed."

Cavan stood up and stumbled. Instinctively I got up to help, it was the future doctor in me. "Jeeze when did you drink so much," my words still slow as I was coming down from my tipsy. "Let me help you."

I took his arm and silently walked him to Derek's room. It was like a month of old laundry had been dumped on the bed. I shut the door behind us and looked at Cavan, "Are you okay?"

He straightened up and came closer to me. And finally it clicked that I had been tricked into being alone with the one person I 100% wanted to be alone with.

His lips found mine instantly and we began to kiss. My hands cupped his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around my waist. Our tongues danced, dipping in and tasting one another. There was a desperation to it on my part. Each kiss was like fire in my veins, and I only wanted more of it. This dance for dominance was quickly won by Cavan and I rested my hands on his shoulders as he pulled me in closer. His hand reached lower to palm my ass and I let out a small whimper. "Be quiet, or they will hear you."

I'm not the type to make noise. With my ex I had been the queen of silence every time, except for my first time. But something about this was different. He was grabbing me so roughtly, so tightly, as if he was just as desperate to have me too. He broke away and whispered, "When did you start wanting this." His touched his forehead to mine.

"When you smacked my ass and missed."

"I didn't miss. Get on the bed."

I pushed the puled of clothes to the side, and he lifted me so i could squeeze onto the edge of the bed. Cavan's hand has slipped under my shirt, under my bra, and he began to palm my left breast. His lips danced across my neck, small bites being placed in between hard kisses. I was used to gentle, and this was anything but. He pinched my nipple, pulling at it slightly and licked the crook of my neck. My back began to arch asI bit down on my lower lip.

Was this just from the alcohol? I had been drunk at parties many times before, but usually when men approached me I would rebuff them and join my friends. At yet here I was, not being me, in my friend's laundry covered bed, letting his friend suck on my neck and fondle my breasts. And I loved it.

Without warning, his hand left my breast and began traveling to the hem of my leggings. "Pull these down. Not all the way."

I pulled my leggings lower, to the hem of my underwear. I really was not about to be bare cheeked on my friend's bed. Cavan slipped his hand under my leggings, under my underwear, and his fingers grazed over my clit, soft gentle swipes slowly drowning my thoughts in pleasure.. I had no Idea that I was this sensitive, but with just the touch of his fingertip, I was sighing heavy. His lips once again returned to mine and I let him take over, his tongue tasting me. And while I was distracted by his lips, he slipped a finger inside. My gasp lost to his kisses. It was only one, but one had been more than I had had in a year. His finger was so warm and I did not protest as he began to probe. I could feel myself clenching around him, my body begging for his touch to continue. When he added another,a soft grunt left my lips. He stopped kissing me and watched me intently, as his fingers explored me. I was breathing heavy, sweating, and trying to focus, but between the alcohol and his fingers, I was losing that battle. I could feel him slipping in and out slowly, teasing my entrance before letting his fingers dive in again. He leaned in, his forehead pressed against mine as I struggled to keep my eyes open. "Let me see you big beautiful eyes." His fingers pressed against me, in a spot I had been unaware of existed, and suddenly a wave of heat ran thru me. Once again my back arched. I gasped. What was happening. He lowered his head to my neck, planting soft kisses. "There it is."

It took all I had not to cry out as he continued to assault whatever it was he had found inside my aching pussy. I could feel heat rising in my chest, my breathing became labored. It was taking every ounce of restraint to keep quiet. But before these feelings could climb any higher, he stopped. He pulled his two fingers out. "You're so fucking wet." He tasted one finger before giving me the other one to suck. "See how good you taste."

I had never in my life tasted myself. But something in his gaze told me to, so I took his finger in my mouth and began to suck on it. He removed his finger from my mouth, "No, just taste it." I had started off too eager, and this was something he wanted me to savor. I liked his index finger slowly, tasting what he tatesed. And when his finger was clean, he took it away. I could see a soft smile on his lips, the moon was more than enough light after my eyes adjusted to the dark. He pulled up my leggings and helped me off the bed. "You should head back before they suspect something."

Maybe my eyes showed the hurt and the panic before my voice did. "Would you like to come home with me?"

He eyed me curiously and just said "no." His eyes told me there would be no explanation.

I felt like a piece of glass, being shattered. Here I was, wet, dripping, for this man in front of me. He had just had two fingers inside of me and had given me more pleasure in minutes than my ex had in nine months of a relationship. I wanted to melt. I wanted to blow away. I wanted to disappear. But I had to exit this room, and go rejoin all my drunk friends and not be this embarrassed horny mess. So I sighed, fixed my beanie, and pulled my leggings back up, trying to ignore how sticky they were from my own juices. I walked up to him and placed a kiss on his cheek. "Thanks anyways."

He grabbed my hand. "I don't have sex with drunk girls." It was stated so matter of factly. It was 100% logical and safe but it still stung.

"But I'm not drunk."

He gave me a serious look and I knew that my fading tipsy was still enough to make him hold onto his rule. All the feelings of doubt came up again. Was I not enough, even for a one night stand? So I smiled my brightest smile and said "haha, its fine."

And I left the room and closed the door behind me.

The only person outside when I left was Derek. How long had I been in there? I hugged him tightly and he patted me back while I just let the rejection wash over me. I stood there for about a minute before I let go. I smiled up at him too. "Thank Derek, awesome pregame! I'll see you out there later!" He nodded silently and I left the apartment. Walked two buildings down to my own apartment letting tears fall as my own insecurities took over my mind. When I entered, Linda and Jessie were blaring music again, but at the sign of my downtrodden face and streaky make up the two of them rushed over.

"OH my GOD what happened!"

"Conyo, do I have to mess someone up." Jessie was acting as if her 5ft 2 in frame could really mess someone up.

"It's nothing" I said, pulling off my hat and taking off my heels. "I think I'm going to stay in tonight."

They looked at each other but before they could pry further, I closed my door and got into my bed. I started Sugar by Maroon 5 on my headphones, and just let the feelings of inadequacy wash over me.  

[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

Autumn Nights By the Lake

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Break up, like one bad word (which is shocking for me), that’s it I think

Word Count: 1896

A/N: This was written for Kari’s (AKA @thing-you-do-with-that-thing ) Seasons of Love – Colors of Fall Challenge. I opted for the secret picture option which you will see down below. I had to write this since fall is coming to an end soon and because inspiration struck to get it written on time. This doesn’t mean I’m neglecting my other challenges many of which I know are overdue. I have like 10 of them outlined it’s just been hell for me the last month so please bear with. Kari, here you go love. I can’t believe I actually got it done on time.

Summary: After a break up that has left you heart broken, Dean decides to fix the other guy’s mistake by taking you out on a dinner picnic at your spot 

^My secret photo for the challenge 

Dean stood in front or your door unsure of what to do. You had retreated to your room yesterday morning after receiving a message and had only left your room to use the bathroom. He had tried to ask if you were okay, but you always said you were fine. He knew you weren’t fine as he heard the silent sobs coming from behind your door. He steeled himself and brought his fist up to your door and knocked.

“Go away,” you said through the door.

“Y/N come on, it’s me, Dean. Let me in,” Dean replied.

“I’m fine, Dean. Just leave me alone.”

“No, Y/N. Not until you tell me whats going on. I know you’re not fine. I know something is wrong. Please just let me in.”

You rolled on your side and groaned. You knew Dean wouldn’t give up and would kick down your door if he had to. You threw your comforter off, stood up, and pulled your flannel tight around your body as you approached the door.

Dean knocked again this time a little louder.

“Alright, I’m coming,” you said as you opened the door.

Dean stepped back and gave you a look over. You were in sweats and an oversized flannel. Your hair was a rat’s nest in a messy bun and your cheeks were covered in mascara streaks. Your eyes were red and had dark circles around them and you had your arms wrapped around yourself. You were a mess and Dean couldn’t stand to see like this.

Without hesitation he grabbed you and wrapped his arms around you in a hug. You snuggled into his chest as the tears began to fall for the 100th time in the last two days. He squeezed you tighter, closed your door, and led you to your bed where you both sat.

“Shhhh... it’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”

You sat there for a few minutes before your sobbing subsided. You looked up at Dean and he gave you a weary smile. He lifted his hand to wipe the remaining tears off your cheek.

“Will you please tell me what’s going on with you? This isn’t like you and it has me worried,” Dean said.

“Remember that guy Chuck I was telling you about,” you replied.

“Yeah, that guy you are seeing,” Dean said with a scoff.

“Well, yesterday morning, after I had to cancel on him the night before for the third time because of a hunt, he texted me say that things were more complicated now and that his job was getting busier. He said we just didn’t have the time to spend together and just called a quits. He dumped me, and it was my fault.”

“Hey, Y/N, look at me. This wasn’t your fault. You are a busy woman and if he couldn’t work around that shame on him. Just look at it this way, you dodged a bullet. If he really cared about you he would have fought for the time to spend with you. Now you don’t have to waste your time on him. He wasn’t good enough for you anyway,” Dean said sweetly.

“But I was the one who kept canceling. We were just fine the night before and then I had to cancel and poof its like it flipped a switch. Maybe if I hadn’t canceled…”

“Stop it. You are better than that. You know what let me show you how you should be treated. Why don’t you go take a nice, relaxing, hot shower and get dressed? Meet me by the bunker door in an hour and a half. Deal?”

You nodded your head and he smiled and gave you a kiss on the crown of your head. You gathered yourself, grabbed your towels, and headed towards the shower.

Dean quickly got up from your bed and ran to the kitchen. He grabbed the picnic basket and some pre-made sandwiches he had bought from the store earlier and threw them in there. He grabbed some chips, cookies, pickles, basically everything he knew you loved, and threw them in the basket. He ran to the linen closet and grabbed his soft checkered blanket you loved and put that on top of the basket.

Dean hated seeing you so upset. You were his best friend and y’all shared everything with each other. New conquests, one-night stands, health issues everything. Although as of late, hearing about you hooking up with new guys was starting to anger him. He was afraid this would happen, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was falling in love with you.

Once he had all his supplies together he decided he should go freshen up as well, so he quickly jumped into the shower.

Meanwhile, you had just gotten out of the shower and felt a little better than you did before. You went through your closet and picked out your favorite skinny jeans, your favorite flannel, and your favorite boots. Once you were dressed you tackled your hair and decided on a simple high ponytail. Then you decided you would put on some make up. Not much, but something subtle. Once you were satisfied with your look, you went to the war room.

Dean quickly dried off and got dressed. He grabbed his little picnic kit and headed to the war room himself.

When he met you there he had to stop for a second. You looked gorgeous and he couldn’t help but smile. You were more beautiful in these simple outfits when you were you than when you were all dressed up in something that clearly wasn’t you.

“Where are we going?” you asked Dean snapping him out of his haze.

“It’s a surprise, beautiful. Just wait and see,” he replied.

You both jumped in the Impala and drove for about 15 minutes until you came to your place. Yours and Dean’s place ever since you settled in Lebanon. It was a beautiful lake surrounded by trees that you and Dean would go to when either one of you were having a rough time.

He got out of the Impala running over to your side and opening the door to let you out. He then opened the back door and grabbed all his supplies.

You both walked over to a grassy area and Dean pulled out the blanket and laid it out over the ground. He set the picnic basket in the middle and gestured for you to sit down.

By the sun was setting and it made the scene before you even more beautiful. You removed your boots, as did Dean, and sat down on the comfortable blanket.

Dean pulled out a mason jar and a round ball looking thing. He put the ball in the jar and through a match in it. It created a small flame in the jar and Dean set it in the grass next to you making the scene even more beautiful.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” he inquired.

“Honestly, not really. I’d rather talk about anything else. Like what food you packed and how amazing this is.”

“Well, it’s not some five-star meal, but I did try to include a lot of your favorites,” he said as he started pulling out the food items.

First thing you grabbed at was the pickles and cottage cheese. It was your favorite non-junk food snack. Dean always laughed at the weird combination, but you just shrugged it off.

Next were the sandwiches which were honey ham and Colby jack cheese with mayo. You laughed because you knew Dean hated Colby jack chees so when he pulled out his spare turkey and American it had you cracking up.

Y’all laughed and talked about the stupidest things and just enjoyed your dinner picnic together. You made it through most of his treats even the strawberries for dessert. You were so grateful to have Dean as your best friend. He knew all your favorites to bring to make you happy right down to the blanket you now laid on.

You were laying with your head on Dean’s chest when things got quiet. You knew where this was headed.

“I know you want to ask, so go ahead,” you said.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he replied.

” It’s fine. I have to talk about at some point and its supposed to be cathartic right.”

“Did you love him?”

“Wow, okay starting with the big guns. I wouldn’t say I loved him, we weren’t exactly there yet, but strongly like yes I did.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“Well, I mean those feelings don’t exactly just go away over night, but I guess they are lessening.”

“Would you be able to feel that way about someone else if presented the opportunity?”

You sat up from Dean’s chest and looked at him as he sat up as well. “Are you trying to set me up with another one of your hunter friends, Dean? Because that won’t work this time. And besides Clyde was a dick.”

“No, that’s not…. that’s not…. I…. fuck. This was a lot easier in my head,” Dean mumbled to himself thinking you couldn’t hear.

“What was a lot easier?”

Dean took a deep breath. “Telling you I love you. Like love love you, more than a best friend. I now you just got out of your relationship with Chuck and this is horribly timing, but I have felt this way for a while. I hate the way Clyde treated you and that’s why we don’t speak anymore, and I hate how upset you are over Chuck. When I see you like this I just want to make it better and I can’t help but think- “

“Dean would you stop rambling, so I can respond?”

He nodded and shut his mouth. “Thank you. Yes, this is horrible timing, but I can’t deny that I get this feeling when I’m with you. It feels like more than just friendship. I mean you know everything about me right down to my favorite blanket that happens to be yours. You always know how to cheer me up and I can just be 100% me when I’m around you. There’s no expectations and there are no fears of disappointing you. I think I might love you too, but I’m scared because every relationship I have attempted has ended with someone getting hurt and I can’t lose my best friend over something like that.”

Dean looked at you with sincerity in his eyes. “You will never lose me as your best friend no matter what,” he said as he leaned closer to you and gently grabbing your chin to bring your face to his. He leaned his head down and placed his lips on yours. Your eyes fluttered shut as you melted into Dean and the kiss. His tongue passed your lips seeking entrance and you gladly let him in. You wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.

After a few seconds you both withdrew. “I’m willing to give this a shot if you are,” he said looking into your beautiful y/e/c eyes.

“Well, Dean Winchester, I guess if you’re willing than so am I,” you said with a giggle as you pressed your lips to Deans and you both fell back on to the blanket.

Tag List 

Everything SPN

@jensen-jarpad

@winchesters-favorite-girl

@sisterwinchesterwriter

@samslostshoe-deansbaby

@lenaabs

@a-fan-fighting-for-equality

@mogaruke

@internationalmusicteacher

@mashed-fandom-imagines

@maddybeck01

@jensenjefferyjarednormanmisha

@grace-for-sale

@deangirl-samcurious-0124-0502

@sandlee44

@percussiongirl2017

@myheroessamanddean

@kindly-fuck-off

@the--real-wombat

Dean/Jensen

@akshi8278

[cksmart-world]

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

Dec. 10, 2019

LIES: AFGHANISTAN — VIETNAM REDUX

We leaned a lot from the Vietnam War. In 1971, Daniel Ellsberg made public reams of classified information — “The Pentagon Papers” — that spelled out the lies the American public had been fed for over a decade about the conflict in Vietnam. More than 58,000 Americans died in Vietnam; 10 times that many came home broken. Well, we won't let that happen again. Oops. Information revealed this week shows that Americans have be lied to about U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. Since 2001, more than 2,300 have died and 20,589 have been wounded in action — say nothing of PTSD and suicide. Documents obtained by The Washington Post reveal that “senior U.S. officials made rosy pronouncements they knew to be false... hiding unmistakable evidence the war had become unwinnable.” WTF. Like Vietnam, American leaders knew little about Afghanistan and what U.S. armed forces were up against. The administrations of Bush, Obama and Trump didn't know how to fight the war or what victory would look like, according to former military leaders. As the monetary cost of the conflict approaches $1 trillion, we have to ask, when will this country stop this shit. “Osama bin Laden is probably laughing in his watery grave,” one retired Navy Seal observed. And, of course, none of it speaks to the cataclysm we created in Iraq that continues to kill, maim and displace uncounted victims.

A.G. BILL BARR — MUPPET ON STEROIDS?

Behind that avuncular uncle disguise, who is Attorney General William Barr, really? The mask slipped a bit when he reported the Mueller Report exonerated the president of everything from high crimes to misdemeanors. So, in an effort to more fully understand the AG, the staff here at Smart Bomb set out to get the skinny on the fat man: After some sleuthing and speculation, we determined that Barr is actually a frustrated Muppet on Ibogaine. This is very serious — he appears to be something like a cross between Uncle Deadly and Big Mean Carl. We're still not sure who the puppet master might be, but it's someone sinister, like Steve Bannon or Freddy Krueger. In recent speeches, Uncle Nut Barr, as we shall call him, preached that our democracy was under attack by secularist who accept heavy petting as a societal norm.  He railed against “the unbridled pursuit of personal appetites at the expense of the common good.” (And, no, he wasn't talking about Trump.) Barr insisted that liberals were “engaged in a war to cripple, by any means necessary, a duly elected government.” But the gravy on the biscuit is Uncle Nut Barr's rejection of his own Department of Justice report that the FBI's investigation into Russian collusion with Team Trump was not a Deep State coup d'etat, as Trump and his minions insist. As Barr said on Fox News Channel For Real Americans: We're not paranoid, it's just that they're all out to get us.

10 WAYS TO ESCAPE IMPEACHMENT NEWS

1 – Want to get away? Take a trip to the high plain of Bolivia and smoke quinoa.

2 – Book a two-week intensive course in mind-melding at the Mojave Oasis Spa & Zen Center.

3 – Download the entire collection of Pee Wee's Playhouse and tell work you've got the flu.

4 – Drive to the Provo Town Square, tell people you hate Trump and get booked into the Utah County Jail.

5 – Get a copy of “Kachka: A Return to Russian Cooking,” a gallon of potato vodka, check into the airbnb in Panguich and reenact every scene from “Doctor Zhivago.”

6 – Go backpacking in Afghanistan.

7 – Stock up on smoked sardines and pickled herring and binge watch Game of Thrones in your mother's fox fur stole.

8 – Hire some Rastafarians, charter an out-rigger in Fiji and go searching for Amelia Earhart.

9 – Find a bar in Oceanside, California, order a beer and a shot and tell the gnarly-looking guy next to you that Marines are a bunch of chickenshit Jar Heads.

10 – Or paddle up the Amazon River to the base of the Andes and tell the Bird People that the iPhone 11 is coming. Either that, or risk insanity by trying to equate two opposite realities.

PLEASE MELLO OUT ON THE SLOPES

A Park City man is facing felony charges after prosecutors say he choked a 17-year-old girl on the slopes. (We did not make this up — it appeared in the Park Record newspaper in Park City.) Unofficial sources close to Smart Bomb believe the young woman may have been talking about impeachment when the man, a Trump supporter, suddenly went nuts. But other witnesses claim the perpetrator had too many cappuccinos and his disgust of tourists just came out. Whatever the truth is, it's fortunate the man was not armed. In Utah, it's legal to ski with firearms. Luckily, most tourists are unaware of this tradition. Imagine the carnage if skiers began targeting snowboarders. Arguments over space in the overflowing parking lots would look like the OK Corral. In order to minimize conflict, our ski host consultants have made several recommendations: Don't talk about politics or football on the chairlift. And under no circumstances mention the president's relationship with Jeffrey Epstein; or the Runnin' Utes loss to Oregon. And if all else fails, offer them cannabis gummy bears on the way up the mountain.

Post Script — It's been another crazy week here at Smart Bomb where our staff Pagans are getting restless as the Winter Solstice approaches. In less than two weeks, the sun will begin to climb back in the northern hemisphere and the days will grow longer at tinsy, tiny intervals. This year, Christmas comes early as the Utah Legislature will soon huddle in a pre-holiday special sessions to cut taxes by $160 million. But at the same time they will reinstate a 4.85 percent sales tax on food to make sure poor people — those slackers — pay their fare share. Republicans love to cut taxes. Trump's tax cut — $1.9 trillion over 10 years — is a gift that will keep on giving (to our national debt). Between state and federal taxes, middle-class taxpayers will be rolling in dough. Now you can buy that second home in Coral Gables and live next to millionaires and billionaires who get the real tax cuts. But once they see your Honda, they may be moving out. This is America, after all.

All right, Wilson, we'll light the incense while you and the band take us out with a little something for our Pagan spirits:  Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night / And wouldn't you love to love her? / She is like a cat in the dark  / And then she is the darkness / She rules her life like a fine skylark / And then the sky is starless / All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind / Would you stay if she promised to you heaven? / Will you ever win? / Will you ever win?...

[thisislizheather]

Navigating November

Yes, it’s insane that November is already over, but we’re all aware of that and it’s so boring to talk about time moving quickly so let’s not be boring, let’s be wicked. So much has happened this month, here’s a breakdown of what went on in my world this month:

The West Village restaurant Dante has forever been on my list of places to eat at, so I finally went and it was great. The pasta wasn’t as good as it is at L’Artusi, but that’s sort of an impossible demand. In any case, the food was good, the place is small & lovely, and the waiters are dreamboats.

I went to the movie theatre/bar/restaurant Syndicated in Brooklyn for the first time to see Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 11/9 and both the place and the movie were great. I mean the movie’s pretty depressing, but obviously good. And the ticket was $8, which is amazing in 2018.

I ate at this great Mexican place Ofrenda twice so far, the quesadillas are so fucking light and good. Only con about the place is that it can get wildly loud inside.

I finished watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and it was great and dark but I wish there were more scenes with Prudence & Nick since they’re such good characters. The mortals are so boring I could scream. Looking forward to the holiday special they’re airing in a few weeks.

Gary came to town! So we did a lot of new things while he was visiting. The best thing? The restaurant Le Relais De Venise L’Entrecôte. They only serve steak frites. With this incredible sauce. You sit down, order drinks, then they ask how you like your meat cooked and that’s it. They also come around halfway through the meal to offer you seconds… of both the meat AND the fries. It’s insanity. Honestly, I heard the premise of this place and thought that there’s no way the quality would be great, but I was dead wrong. Every bite was incredible. The place doesn’t look like much from the outside (it’s way too bright) and the service is a little… weird? But the food was amazing. And so reasonably priced. Definitely keeping this one in the rotation.

Finally ate at Parm in Soho for the first time - I had the eggplant (which was okay) and Gary had the chicken which was eons better. Get the chicken. The service was notably great too.

Tried the ice cream at Morgenstern’s and whooooa, it’s good. They’re not fucking around here. Love their weird flavours. French fry ice cream legit tastes like French fries. Eager to try the “bread” and “popcorn” flavours. And if you’re sitting there going, “How could any ice cream be bad, Liz? C’mon!” you’ve obviously never tried the terrible Van Leeuwan.

Went to the Nintendo store in Times Square, discovered that it’s one cute-ass store.

Went to the Top of the Rock for the first time, waaaaay better view up there than from the Empire State Building. Hands down. Plus you get a Central Park view that’s gorgeous as well as a city view.

Ate at Pil Pil on the Upper East Side: crazy good tapas. I always forget about tapas.

You already know how much I love Lady M cakes, so I tried their seasonal pumpkin nuage one and… meh! It’s nowhere as tasty as their banana chocolate slice.

Ate at Jacob’s Pickles on the Upper West Side finally and Jesus Christ the portion sizes here are laughably large. My brother got a poutine and maaaaaaan you gotta see this thing. And while everything tasted good, it’s just so wildly indulgent. And coming from a person who lives their life on the motto of “INDULGE, BITCH!” - this really means something. Probably not gonna make it back here a second time. It’s mayhem.

Finally watched Big Mouth after everyone on the planet told me to watch it and of course it’s good, you know this already, you don’t need me to tell you this. Jon Hamm as the voice of a scallop? Hilarious. Kristen Wiig as a vagina? Gimme more, I say! That goddam little ladybug? Best character. Flawless show. Maya Rudolph is my true queen and I hate anyone calling anyone their queen. (THERE’S ONE QUEEN GUYS AND SHE’S ENGLISH. SHOW SOME RESPECT.)

Visited the annual holiday miniature train show inside Grand Central station and it’s as beautiful as always. But really I dare you to show me a miniature train show I don’t like. It’s kind of a joke that they call this a “train show” when it’s, like, shoved in the back corner of a gift shop. Still lovely, but just funny.

There’s a new flavour (pumpkin gingersnap) of banana pudding at Magnolia Bakery and it AIN’T GOOD. Stick to the hits, guys. Gotta stick to the hits.

Went to the MoMA and it was great, haven’t been in so long, love the fact that they incorporated some performance art!

Had lunch at Del Frisco’s since Gary was in a wagyu mood & oh yes it was good.

Went for happy hour at Clinton Hall, where the prices are amazing for what you’re getting (I mean, Pat LaFrieda sliders for $3 is fucking nuts).

My dear friend Sarah moved back to France and I shouldn’t be shocked when anyone leaves New York, but it always stings when it’s one of the good ones.

Finally got my hands on the Cauliflower Gnocchi from Trader Joe’s and holy fuck I now understand why it’s ALWAYS SOLD OUT. Tastes exactly like regular gnocchi. No idea how Trader Joe’s can make these remarkable tasting products, so I’ll just assume that some sort of deal with the devil has been made.

If you are ever on the Upper East Side around dinnertime craving ravioli, I promise you that the Mezzelune Alla Boscaiola at Uva will eternally please you in a way that no human can. It’s a half moon shaped ravioli filled with prosciutto and mozzarella served in a creamy wild mushroom sauce. And it will forever be my favourite thing to eat in that area.

Don’t ask me why but I watched both Princess Diaries movies and OF COURSE THEY’RE TERRIBLE I KNEW THAT BEFORE PRESSING PLAY WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME.

I also watched Four Christmases and initially it seemed like it could’ve been an actually okay movie but NOPE. I mean, there are worse movies, don’t get me wrong. At the beginning, I really liked the fact that the couple in it had super strong opinions about marriage and kids and oh man, it would’ve been great if the ending was just “and we were right all along!” instead of them having a kid at the end. Am I projecting my own shit on this movie? Yes! Sue me!

Watched Rumor Has It and I don’t know if I was either feeling tired or defeated or what, but I think I liked it at the moment. I mean, Kevin Costner has a nice smile. All that needs to be said.

Tried the eyeliner from Elf Cosmetics and BOOOOOOOOOOOO, never again! What a piece of garbage!

Once in awhile, the Rainbow Room hosts a seasonal pop up bar on the 65th floor of 30 Rock in Rockefeller Center sooooo Nathan and I went this week and it was so, so great. The menu always changes and the dishes are wildly inventive and from what we tried - crazy delicious. We only got a charcuterie plate but there was this pâté that was almost… unholy? It was incredible. It was an insanely rainy night, so the view wasn’t much because of the clouds but that’s really only one more reason for us to return. The service was perfect and it wasn’t even that expensive.

For the past year or so, whenever I’m having a day where my face feels rougher than normal, I’ve been using this Vitamin E cream from The Body Shop at night that’s been working like a dream. I mostly just use it on my cheeks (moreso in the wintertime) and I wake up and have perfect skin again. It says that it’s used as a face sleep mask, but I don’t think you need to use that much, this one jar has lasted me forever since I use so little of it at a time.

So there’s this pesto that I’m in love with that they serve on a panini I love at Bite in the city and the owner told me why this pesto is so great: they use walnuts instead of pine nuts to make it. So obviously this is the only way that I’ll make pesto from now on. It’s so crazy good, you could eat it with a spoon if you have lunatic tendencies like I do apparently? IT’S SO GOOD.

Are you aware that you can recycle your used/empty makeup containers at Origins? I’m sure you’re already aware of the program that MAC does, but for every other brand? I feel like this is probably the best option. They have a little box in each store, and it’s not exactly policy but if you go in to recycle something, you can show them that you’re recycling something and then ask for a sample of something and they’ll definitely give you a crazy-generously sized portion of a product that you want to try as a sample. I just did this and got a huuuuuuge sample of this eye brightener I’ve been wanting to use. Also! They’ll give you a code after you recycle that you can use online to earn Origins points on your account.

Nathan was on the Guys We Fucked podcast this week which I think is pretty huge and great, so you can listen to that if you like.

And that was November! If you’ve missed any of the other months I’ve done (and actually care to hear the intricate details of a stranger’s life), here’s a list of what’s been discovered over the past few months! Hellooooooo December!

October Occurrences

September Shenanigans

August Actions

July Jiffs

June Jaunts

May Musings