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mandoalorian · 4 years ago

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Stay With Me [Maxwell Lord x GN!Reader]

Summary: What if Maxwell Lord died after renouncing his wish...

Warnings: major character death, grief, descriptions of blood, typical Wonder Woman violence, description of illness, food mention, nightmare mention.

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever fucking wrote.

Rating: T for traumatic teen

Word count: 2500

Masterlist

In a way, it was nice. Bittersweet, almost. Alistair was so much like his father, more than you had ever realised before. He’d often come out with bold comments. He’d point and wiggle his finger when he talked to you. He struggled to sleep at night, just like you did, so you’d invite him into yours and Maxwell’s shared bed. It was a welcome change-- Maxwell’s side of the bed no longer being cold and empty, but instead inhabited by his son. It felt like, as long as Alistair was by your side, part of Maxwell was too. Alistair was a fidgety sleeper, and you pinned it down to the nightmares he’d been having. It was horrible, for a six year old child to go through what he was going through. He never spoke to you about his bad dreams. You knew he was trying to put on a brave face for you and pretend like everything was okay. Just like Max used to do.

Maxwell’s ex-wife wanted to sell Black Gold Cooperative. It wasn’t making money anyway, but… you wouldn’t allow it. That was Max’s business, a business he dedicated his whole life to. He had worked so hard and there was no way in hell you were going to let her sell it just so she could keep the money for herself. So you did some brainstorming and opted to turn it into something else.

A museum that was specified in geology. Maxwell always loved gems and stones.

Every Saturday morning you made pancakes because they were Maxwell’s favourite. You and Alistair weren’t too fussed on them yourself, both preferring waffles, but old habits die hard. He might not have been around anymore, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to break the tradition of making pancakes.

One Saturday morning, Alistair peppered on some frozen blueberries and syrup.

“Ali, I got you Nutella.” you furrowed your eyebrows together as you watched him decorate his waffles into a smiley face.

“Daddy always wanted me to eat more fruit.” Alistair mumbled as he concentrated on organising the blueberries to make a set of eyes.

As it turned out, financially, Maxwell didn’t have much, which didn’t come as a surprise to you. But what he did have, he left to Alistair. Obviously, Alistair only being six years old, the money was transferred to his mother, much to your dismay. Theoretically, Alistair should get the money when he turns eighteen but you knew it wouldn’t last a day in the hands of Max’s materialistic ex-wife. Luckily for you though, he left you the big house and the nice cars. Only-- was it really lucky? You never drove his cars and the house always felt cold and empty. Sometimes during the week, when it was just you in the house, you’d put on an Elvis vinyl and dance around the kitchen barefoot, pretending that Max was holding you in his arms.

It brought you comfort until it was time for bed. Time for you to cry yourself to sleep… sobbing into his pillow that still distinctly smelled like him. You couldn’t describe it but sometimes you felt like the ghost of him was still there… watching over you. Eventually you’d pass out, with tear stained cheeks and your hands bundled up in the blankets as you gripped them for dear life.

But in your sleep, you didn’t find solace. You only found more pain.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Max?” you cried the second you saw him on the floor, tears streaming down your face as you fell to your knees and grabbed his body. With all your strength, you pulled him into your lap and cradled him. His head was in the crook of your elbow and you began to smooth out his hair, just like you knew he loved so much. “Max can you hear me? Say something, please say something.”

His breathing was laboured and his chest was rattling. His brown eyes locked onto yours and he offered you a weak smile. “Hi,” he said meekly, raising a shaky hand to cup your cheek. His thumb grazed the height of your cheekbone and you found yourself subconsciously leaning into his touch.

Only, he wasn’t warm like he used to be-- he was very, very cold. His skin was pale and ghost-like, and his sparkling eyes were dull and blood shot. His white shirt was speckled with crimson blood and you began to rub your finger along to the stains. “Nose bleed.” he gasped out, as if the two words offered enough of an explanation.

You shook your head and felt another tear slip down your cheek, but Maxwell caught it in his hand. “Don’t cry.” he whispered.

“I don’t-- I don’t understand--” you croaked out, pulling his hand from your face and trying your best to squeeze some life into him. “I-- I thought-- I-- Max… what happ--happened?”

“I made a mistake.” Maxwell offered sadly.

“Can’t you-- fix it. With-- a wish. Or-- wait-- I didn’t make a wish-- let me fix it. Let me-- help you,” you sobbed, your grip on his hand tightening. “I have to touch you-- right? Okay… what do I say?”

“Nothing.” Maxwell said before erupting into a cough.

“No no no,” you chanted, and when he looked back up at you, his nose was bleeding again. You pulled down the sleeve of your t-shirt and wiped away the blood, even pinching the bridge of his nose to try and stop it. “Please, tell me how to fix it,” you begged him, but he just shook his head. You groaned in frustration, feeling completely annoyed. He always was stubborn. “I… I wish for everything to be okay. I wish that everything goes back to the way it did before the 4th of July. I wish for your health to be restored… good, strong health…” you waited to feel that familiar breeze gush through your hair. But nothing. “Why isn’t it working?!” you cried out once more.

“I renounced my wish.” Maxwell said quietly.

“Wh-- what? Why? Max… why-- but-- you’re still-- why are you--” Dying. Why was he still dying? But no matter how hard you tried to finish the sentence, you just couldn’t bear to say the word. “Can you stand? I can get you to a doctor. Come on.”

“No.” Maxwell said, his hand tangling in your hair.

“Stop saying no!” You screamed. “I can’t just-- leave you. I-- Max. We need to go now. We’ll get you to the hospital and they’ll make you better, okay? And then-- and then you come home and I’ll cook you your favourite dinner. And we’ll watch one of those black and white movies that I know you adore.” you tried cohersing but he didn’t move an inch. He just smiled.

“I love you so much,” he confessed. “I know I don’t say it much but I really do. I was always a skeptic when it came to love but with you… it was different. I’m glad I met you.”

“I love you too Max, I-- come on. Let’s go,” You said, trying your best to pull him up, but it was no use. Your gaze flicked across all the different televisions and broadcasting systems. “Is there a phone in here? There must be a phone. I can call an ambulance.”

With the last of his strength, Maxwell pulled you down on top of him. “Listen, you and I both know I’m not going to make it. So don’t spend my final moments crying, or panicking, or getting angry. Just stay with me. Please. All I want is for you-- for--”

“Max?!” your heart was hammering against your chest as you watched him splutter out a mouthful of blood. With shaky hands, he pulled off his gold signet ring that he wore everyday on his pinky finger, and slid it onto your wedding band finger.

“I love you,” he whispered, interlocking his fingers with yours. “You’ll make sure Alistair knows how much I love him, won’t you?”

“Like my life depends on it.” you promised, leaning in and nudging your nose against his.

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you when you tried to help me, I guess this is my fault…” Max sighed, closing his eyes. His breathing wasn’t erratic anymore… it was more shallow and quiet.

“Shh,” you hushed him, gently smoothing out his golden hair. You began humming his favourite song and you noticed his lips curl into one final smile, until after only a minute or so, he stopped breathing. His body stiffened up. The bleeding stopped. He was gone.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

He haunted you. He haunted you when you were sleeping, when you were awake, and no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t escape the memory of his death. The way his body felt in your arms. The way you saw him close his eyes for one final time, never to open them again. Ever since he died, nothing was the same.

His funeral stung. You didn’t expect it to be easy, but you had hoped that maybe by the day it finally came you had sort of numbed out. Alistair clung to your side the entire time, much to his own biological mother’s dismay. “Why don’t you go stand with your mommy?” you whispered, smoothing out his glossy black hair. “I’m sure she needs you right now. This can’t be easy on her.”

Alistair frowned and looked up at you, his shaggy hair falling into his eyes. “You need me more,” he acknowledged. He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world -- and in that sense, he was so much like his father. “Daddy wanted to marry you,” he admitted after a brief silence and you felt your blood run cold. “Remember the night you and him came to my piano show at the school, and saw me perform? Well, when he tucked me into bed, he told me that he was going to ask you to marry him.”

You shuddered. That was only a month ago. You knelt down to his level and flashed him your hand, the gold of his pinky ring sparkling under the sunset. “He gave me this before he…”

“That’s daddy’s pinky ring,” Alistair noted and you smiled, taking the hand of the little boy. You pulled the ring off your wedding band finger and slid it on Alistair’s pinky finger.

“Hm, small hands,” you giggled. “But when you’re older, I’m sure it’ll fit you. And then it can be yours.”

Alistair beamed in delight. “That ring was the first thing daddy bought with his paycheck.”

“I-- I didn’t know that.” you confessed and Alistair nodded along.

“Can you take me to McDonalds after the funeral?” Alistair asked and you couldn’t help but laugh at the sudden change of subject.

“Sure.” you agreed, as you took his hand and walked into the church.

You fought for Alistair, and you fought for him hard. It wasn’t an easy battle. You loved him like he was your own, and he loved you too. The courts granted you custody eventually, but only on the weekends. You weren’t mad at that. Maxwell only had him on the weekends too, so really, it was like nothing had changed.

You weren’t sure what was harder. The days or the nights. When Max was alive, you only really saw him on an early morning before work. He’d slip out of your shared bed trying his hardest not to wake you so he could get ready for another busy day at the office. So, you’d spend the days alone. Until of course, he’d come home in the evening, grinning the second he walked through the front door. You always had something cooking for him, and candles burning-- and the familiar scent just made him feel like he could relax. Like he was safe in your comfort.

People say ‘home is where the heart is’, but after Maxwell Lord passed, you found that wasn’t true at all. Home was where he was. So you visited his grave, every evening when the sun went down. You made sure it was clean and you brought him a rose. It was funny, really, because roses were the flowers he’d brought you on every single date when he tried so hard to win over your affection. You’d sit with him for about an hour and tell him about your day-- because when he was alive, he’d always ask. You told him about the simple things. Woke up at 8, done the dishes and the laundry, fed the cat.

But now he was gone, you noticed your routine had changed slightly. “Woke up at 1, done the dishes but dropped a plate and cut my hand, forgot about the laundry… I’ll do it tomorrow. No cat food but Lady was lucky there was a can of tuna in the fridge.” You made a mental note to stop by the grocery store on your way home for cat food.

“I still wait for you to come home every evening… but you don’t,” you sobbed, your fingers tracing his name in his grave. Lorenzano. “I miss you.”

When you got up to leave the cemetery that night, you noticed a cloaked figure standing under an oak tree, looking over at you. You passed her on the way out. “Can I help you with something?” you asked, clearing your throat and straightening your posture.

You noticed her smile under the shadow of her hood. Eventually, she politely pulled it down her revealing dark curls. “I never managed to get to the funeral.” she explained and you nodded understandingly.

“Were you a friend of his?” you questioned curiously.

“I must admit, I misjudged his character.” She confessed with a small sigh.

“Most people did.” you frowned, knowing just how bad the world had treated Maxwell Lord.

“I um-- was hoping to find you here, actually,” she said, folding her arms across her chest. She looked remarkably strong. “I know how it feels to lose a loved one.”

“Okay?” you shuffled your feet awkwardly.

“I never had a friend to get me through it, and I don’t know what your situation is like, but please know that you’re not alone. Give me a call, anytime, and I’ll be there.” She said, handing you a small card with her name on.

Diana Prince.

Before you could reply, she was gone. Just like that. You sniffed, shoving the card in your pocket and heading home.

You didn’t need a friend.

You needed Max.

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#pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #max lord #maxwell lord #alistair lord #maxwell lord x reader #max lord x reader #ww84 #diana prince #jose pedro balmaceda pascal

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agustdiv1ne · 4 years ago

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thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

#i'm sorry if i missed anyone :((#j know i love and appreciate u a lot #it's j my thumbs are literally cramping up as i type this :(#2021 celebration!#happy new year y'all #lmk if any of links are wrong bc i will fix them asap

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calm-and-wine · 4 years ago

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(I’ll give you) the best years

part I (moodboard)

Hello lovely people! Here is the start of a little drabble series about Nulu’s future (you can catch up on Down the line here). The biggest thank you to Anna @silverrank for editing and giving the best tips. Please come talk to me about those two anytime of day or night!

April 2022

“My mum’s been busting my ass with questions about the wedding. She’d love to help us plan things,” Niall said between bites of his breakfast.

They were in his house in LA, Niall had been putting finishing touches on his new album, while Lucy had a week off before going to Europe for clay season.

“Umm sure, I mean I’d love to have her help, but it’s not like we have a date set or anything. We haven’t even really talked about what we want it to be like.”

They had been engaged for a few months, but had yet to breach the topic of their wedding at all. Lucy quite enjoyed this phase of their relationship. Of course she wanted to take the relationship to the next level - hence the engagement - but after Australian Open, they hadn't spent more than two weeks together. The worst part of it was that those two weeks hadn't even been consecutive, thanks to Niall being busy recording his album and Lucy with playing.

“I know. But I think she’s just excited. And she assured me she doesn’t want to make decisions for us, just help with the organisation, since we’re both busy.”

“She’s honestly the sweetest soul. I love your mum.” Lucy sighed longingly, because she really did; Maura was an angel who had welcomed Lucy into the family with open arms, even when they hadn’t been dating that long. Because of that, she made a mental note to call her, as it’d been too long since their last chat. “Well, how about September next year? I could probably take a bit of a time off after US Open, skip a couple tournaments. I mean, it’s the end of the season anyway…”

“I’m gonna be done with touring by the end of July, so yeah, that’d work. Did you have a location in mind?”

“London,” Lucy said without a second of hesitation

“Really?” Niall looked at her surprised. “No destination wedding? Like a beach or something?”

“Nope,” she said, shaking her head. “London’s home and I’d love to do it somewhere there. Would you prefer somewhere abroad?”

“No, London’s good. I would be okay with a destination wedding, but it would be a pain in the ass with all the guests flying in and stuff. And some people wouldn’t come, so that would be a shame. Look at us, we already have a venue and a date!” Niall said with a big smile on his face. Apparently planning a wedding wasn’t that hard, all you had to do is have a chat with your partner and voila, everything was set!

Lucy laughed. “We do not have a date and a venue, we have a month and a whole city area.”

“Okay, party pooper.” Niall stuck his tongue out at her. “What about people? How many are you thinking?”

“I don’t know, about a hundred?”

A concentrated frown made Niall’s eyebrows scrunch together. “A hundred people for each of us? I guess I could make it work…”

Lucy made a face. “I meant a hundred altogether, actually.”

Niall looked at her with surprise. “Wait, what? A hundred people total?”

“Well, yeah. How many were you thinking?” Now Lucy was the one confused.

“I don’t know, around three hundred or something,” Niall mumbled, picking at his food like he was embarrassed.

“Are you serious? I wouldn’t know even half of them!” Lucy raised her brows and waited for Niall to raise his head, but when he did, he just shrugged. Lucy sighed. “And you wouldn’t even have enough time to talk to three hundred people.”

“So you want a small wedding, then?” he said after a minute.

“Yeah,” she admitted. “I mean, I’d rather have fun with the people that are closest to us than spend half the night wondering if I talked to everyone and if no one feels left out or annoyed I’m not giving them attention.”

Niall hummed, but stayed silent for a moment, thinking it over. “Maybe you’re right. I think we should start making a list, see how many people we come up with.” He had his phone in his hand in a second, ready to type. “What?” he asked, when he looked up at Lucy only to see a wide smile and bright eyes.

She shook her head slightly, but the smile wouldn't leave her face. “It just kinda hit me that we’re really doing this. We’re actually getting married.”

“Are you regretting it already?” he asked with raised brows, but with a smile that matched hers.

“No, but I might, if you actually want to invite three hundred people.”

Niall’s laughter filled the place and she joined him, thinking that she might even endure a night in the company of three hundred people or more, if it meant hearing that laugh and making a man she loved happy.

February 2023

Lucy went dress shopping with her mum, Niall’s mum, Laura, Mia and Natalia. The latter was Mia’s girlfriend of almost a year. Lucy always had limited time in London, so instead of going to a variety of different stores, she looked through an online catalogue of the one they were in, now presenting the five dresses she’d chosen. The first one had gotten mixed reactions from her company, so it was a no. The second was beautiful, but Lucy found the narrow, mermaid style bottom of the dress a little too constricting.

The minute she put on the third dress, Lucy knew her mum wouldn’t like it. And she was proved right as soon as the dressing room’s door opened.

“Oh no, this one brings too much attention to your arms and shoulders and you don’t want that, honey,” said Megan right away.

Lucy didn’t even bother making her way to the mirror in the room, nor did she grace her mum with a response. They’d been through similar situations so many times she’d lost count. The rest of her help committee was rendered silent and she didn’t want to make the atmosphere even more awkward, so she just went and changed into dress number four, losing hope of actually finding one everyone would like, herself especially.

Two out of the pre-picked dresses were nice, the first and fourth one, but none was amazing. Not one made Lucy go, ‘Wow’. Maybe she just expected too much, she always thought that she would just know, she would try it on and just feel that it’s the right one. She wanted to fall in love with her wedding dress; was that too much to ask?

“Let’s maybe look around for a bit? Maybe something will catch your eye, it’s always a bit different than browsing online.” Mia stood up as soon as she saw her cousin’s disheartened expression after looking at her reflection in the last dress.

Lucy smiled with gratitude before stepping down and heading towards the racks full of all types of wedding dresses. The other women joined them, spreading around the room to look through the garments. The group worked quietly, the main sound in the room being the scraping of hangers and background music. Lucy’s attention was brought to whoever called her name to show her one of the dresses, but she mostly replied with a shake of her head. Diana, the shop assistant, was observing the scene, ready to bring whatever was needed or take a dress to wait for Lucy in the changing room.

“What about this one?” Natalia spoke up for the first time since they started looking. Lucy looked up, and she felt her eyes instantly starting to sparkle when she looked at the dress in Natalia’s hands. It was so beautiful and delicate, breathtaking, yet not too much, all at once. She was scared to like it too much right away, before even trying it on, but the thought that this dress might be the one made her heart do a little jump.

“Yeah, I kinda love it.” She gave Nat a wide smile before turning to Diana. “Do you have my size?”

~~~~

After the visit in the bridal shop, Lucy, her mum, Maura and Mia went to lunch. Laura had a meeting about one of her new work projects, while Natalia had a photoshoot location to look at. It was nice to actually spend time with her family and friends and Lucy was relieved that most of their conversation topics weren’t about her wedding. Obviously she was excited about the whole thing, but she had been the centre of attention all morning and it was nice to get away from the spotlight a bit.

After lunch she had a session with her psychologist. They’d been working together for a few years now to make sure she had the right mentality on court, as well as helping with general mental health. As soon as the appointment was over, she had a proper training session with her coach scheduled.

It had been a good day, but when evening came, she was more than happy to be back home, enjoying a quiet evening with a steaming mug of tea and catching up on some tv shows. And when her phone finally rang with an incoming facetime call, she didn’t even try to contain her growing smile. She loved being back in London, but it was always a bit bittersweet if Niall wasn’t around. It didn’t feel completely like home.

“Hi, love.” Niall’s smiling face filled her screen and her heart instantly warmed.

“Hey. Are you leaving for the venue soon?” She could see he was still in his hotel room, shirtless as always and it looked like his hair was wet. He had a show tonight, though - in Chicago if she remembered correctly - so he should be heading out soon.

“Yeah, but I wanted to chat with you for a bit before. Did you have a good day?” He was lounging on his bed, his attention focused solely on Lucy. It was one of the things she loved most about him, especially because sometimes he found it quite hard to focus on one thing, but never when he talked to her.

“Really nice day. It was so good to see everyone and spend time together. I do miss you, though.” She pouted, an action Niall mirrored.

“I miss you, too, Lulu. I’m counting down the days for that week and a half together before clay.” He smiled sadly. They had a few small visits planned, but it was usually for two or three days; they had to wait until the beginning of April for a longer visit.

“48 days,” she said with a smile; she had an app counting the days.

As if to change the subject before the mood became too sad, Niall asked, “How was the dress-hunt?”

“Terrible, at first,” Lucy laughed. “But it got better.”

“I heard your mum made some comments…” Niall said, a bit tentatively.

“Did Maura tell you that?” Lucy asked, at which he nodded. “Yeah, she hates my arms and shoulders, but what else is new. Well, those arms and shoulders got me a spot in the top 10 best female servers for a few years now, so I really don’t care if my mum thinks they’re not feminine enough.”

“I love you, Lulu,” Niall said with a fond look in his eyes. She was appreciative that those were the words that left his mouth, not that she was beautiful; somehow it made her feel better and it was like he knew she didn’t really need that boost of confidence.

“I love you too, baby.” They stared at each other through the screen for a while, giving each other gentle smiles and supporting looks. “I hope Maura didn’t have a terrible time today.” She had to ask... well, indirectly, because she always had this creeping fear that maybe people didn’t enjoy her company as much as she enjoyed theirs. And with her mum making it awkward for a bit and the dress search taking longer than expected, she’d hate to think that maybe Niall’s mum became irritated at some point or would rather spend her time differently.

“Don’t be silly,” Niall said instantly. “She called me today as soon as I’d woken up and wouldn’t shut up about how great you are and how lucky I am to be marrying you, like I didn’t know already. You know she adores you and she felt very honored that you wanted her there. I’m pretty sure she actually texted me the minute you invited her.”

Lucy laughed. “That woman is so cute. Did she tell you about the dress?”

“Oh, you found the dress?” Something in Niall's tone made Lucy raise her eyebrows. A beat of silence followed, before Niall broke it with a sigh. “Well, she didn’t say much, refused to give me even the smallest description, but she did say you look absolutely stunning in it. She also said I’m gonna be completely speechless when I see you in it. I might not be able to say ‘I do’ if that’s the case. Do you think a nod will do?”

Lucy looked at him very unamused, while he cackled to himself. “Why, oh why, have I agreed to marry an idiot?” she asked.

“Oh please, you love my jokes. You think I’m hilarious.”

“I don’t think there’s a person on this planet who’d ever use that word to describe you,” she retorted, though without heat or malice.

They just leveled each other with a daring look until Lucy broke and started laughing, with Niall following suit.

“I really can’t wait to marry you, Lulu,” he said when they calmed down, with smiles still painted on both their faces. “Why haven’t we decided to elope?”

She snickered at that. “May I remind you that not so long ago, you actually wanted a wedding for three hundred people?” She raised her brow daringly, at which he laughed and shook his head.

“Well, good thing I’m marrying such a smart woman; at least she’ll always get my head on straight.”

Lucy let out a soft chuckle and silence engulfed them for a split moment before another thought hit her. “Oh, I told Mia we’re gonna come do the tasting in the week after Wimbledon, she said Monday would be best, cause they’re closed then, so they’d just come in for a few hours for us. You’ll be back then, right?”

Mia was a sous chef at one of the best restaurants in London, so of course they wanted to hire that team for their wedding. Obviously Mia herself wouldn’t be working as she was the maid of honour, but her colleagues would be just fine without her watchful eye.

“Yup, I’m flying back Sunday afternoon, shouldn’t be home too late, so Monday works for me.” Lucy nodded while Niall took a minute to consider something before speaking again. “I’m going to sound like a dick, I know, but is it extremely awful that I kinda hope you won’t become a Wimbledon champion this year?” he asked sheepishly.

She wasn’t offended at all, just looked at him softly, with a little tilt of her head. It just so happened that he was playing this tour’s last concert the day of the women's final at Wimbledon.

“Well, a part of me is kinda hoping I’ll lose early on, so I can come see you at least for the last show,” she said. “Maybe even a couple, if I lose in the first week.”

They shared a look with which they tried to transpire an unspoken message of ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you’. This was their normal, not being able to experience all of the big moments together, having to make tough choices, knowing when you could be selfish and when to put the relationship first. Some may think that was too much trouble, but through their years together they learned to navigate it somehow. Sure, they still made mistakes and were torn between decisions, but as cliche as it sounded, communication was the key. And neither of them would ever exchange their relationship for something easier. After all, Lucy was a firm believer of working hard on things to truly earn them. And working on her partnership with Niall might actually be the most pleasurable work ever.

September 2023

“Man, you’re actually getting married, that’s so wild!” said Mully clasping a hand on Niall’s shoulder with a big smile on his face. “I mean, it feels like you two has been together forever, so no one really had a doubt that you’d be endgame, but just… You’re actually settling down, that’s crazy.”

“You’re one to talk… Should I remind you that you proposed to Jordan three months ago?”

“Touché,” Sean laughed.

“Can you go see how everything's going out there? And get me some water, please,” Niall said to his childhood friend, mostly because he wanted a minute to talk to his father.

“I’m on it.” Mully gave a salute and left the room with a laugh.

The rest of his groomsmen were out there as well, making sure their partners and plus ones didn’t feel abandoned and giving Niall a moment to breathe.

“Why are you so nervous, son? I thought you were a million percent sure she’s the one,” said Bobby, noticing Niall’s bouncing knee and unfocused gaze.

“I am, I mean I’ve never even been in love like that. I want to spend my life with Lulu, of course I do, but, like, what if things don’t work out? What if we actually won’t last? How can I know that?” he asked.

He loved Lucy with his whole heart and soul, he’d never been more sure about anything, and he knew she felt the same way about him. But some part of him was worried, because sometimes things just didn’t work out, right? Things happened and feelings could change. He was sure his parents were in love when they got married, yet their marriage didn’t last. And so did so many others. Maybe love wasn’t everything and marriage wasn’t the road they should take? Just thinking about losing Lulu was making his insides churn and if he focused on it for too long, he might just throw up his breakfast.

“Niall.” Bobby came closer and looked at him with a soft, but sure look. “There are simply no guarantees. That’s just life. But let me tell you that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a relationship as strong as yours, or two people so determined to make it work, just because of the love they have for each other. Sure, life will throw all kinds of troubles at you, but I think you’ve worked through a lot of the hurdles already. As long as you’ll stay like this, honest and open and wanting to make it work, you’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure of this.”

Niall looked at him with glazed eyes. His father wasn’t one for inspirational speeches like that, which made it even more meaningful.

“And I hope you know how proud we are of you, me and your mum. For everything you’ve done and what a beautiful life you’ve built.”

“Thanks, dad,” he said, enveloping Bobby in a tight hug.

He didn’t doubt Lucy and their love, he doubted life and happy endings. He doubted just how much goodness and happiness one could get from the universe. His life had thrown so many good things his way already, there was so much luck involved in all of his successes, and he just felt that someday it’d have to turn around and some gloom would take over. And maybe not seeing Lucy since yesterday and spending the night without her brought a bit of self-consciousness and worry. After all, she was usually his voice of reason. They lifted each other up. And deep down he knew it’d always be like that. They wouldn’t let each other fall, and together they wouldn’t hit the ground, because there would always be one to hold the other up.

“I need to see Niall,” Lucy said, when her hair was finally perfectly arranged and she was left in a room with her and Niall’s mums, Mia, Natalia and Laura, who were her bridal party.

“What?” asked Megan, brows drawn together in confusion.

It was less than an hour until the start of the ceremony. Lucy hadn’t seen her soon to be husband since late afternoon yesterday, as they’d decided to follow that bit of tradition and spend the night apart, with him staying at home, while she was at the hotel with her parents and Mia. She was very much regretting that decision now. They’d texted and talked on the phone before falling asleep, but she still missed him, it was different knowing he was so close, yet they weren’t together. It didn’t feel right. And now, when she was so stressed, not about the whole marrying him thing, but just about the whole ceremony and having all eyes on her throughout the day. At least she was glad that they’ve managed to wrap up the guest list just under hundred and fifty people.

Her and Niall were not supposed to see each other before the big walk down the aisle, but she needed his presence to calm her nerves.

“Can you please ask him to come meet me?” she asked Maura.

She looked at her a bit surprised, but nodded and brought a small smile to her face, even though her eyes looked a little worried. “Of course, sweetheart.”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad, I just need to see him,” Lucy assured before Maura left the room.

“We’ll give you a moment,” said Mia, squeezing Lucy’s shoulder as she passed, ushering everyone out of the room. Megan gave her an unnerved look, but left the room.

While waiting, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing her perfect dress, her hair was done just the way she wanted, part of it pinned up and part left down in soft curls, her face adorned by quite delicate makeup. Everything was just the way she imagined, even better.

There was a quick knock on her door followed by a nervous, “Lulu?”.

She took a deep breath before saying “come in”.

Hearing that Lucy wanted to see him and then standing outside her door, Niall thought his heart might just beat out of his chest. But when he walked in and saw her, standing there, a mirror behind her, a soft glow coming from the window and lighting up all of her best features, he felt like his heart just left his chest. He felt nervous and suddenly calm at the same time. His mum had been right - he was very much speechless, because Lucy looked like a vision.

“Is, um, is everything alright?” he asked, searching for any signs of distress in her eyes.

“Yes, of course. I’m about to marry the most wonderful man in the whole world. I’m a bit nervous, though, and just needed to see you,” she said a little sheepishly. She hadn’t really thought about how it might look to Niall when his mum showed up and said his fiancée wanted to see him, hadn’t considered how panicked he might get.

He took a step closer, not being able to stand the distance between them any longer, especially since he was sure she wasn’t about to call the wedding off or anything like that. When he was close enough, he noticed her hands were shaking and instantly engulfed them in both of his.

“Nothing to be nervous about. It’s just people we know out there. And I’m gonna be there, waiting for you at the altar and then be by your side the whole time. Plus, I have to say, just… wow. You look so incredibly beautiful, Lulu. I knew you would, you always do, but this... this is just a different level. And knowing you’re gonna become my wife today, somehow it just makes you even more stunning.”

When she finally looked at him, her eyes were already starting to water. “You look incredibly handsome as well.” His face finally lit up with a big smile and she almost launched herself into his arms. “Can we share our vows now?” she asked quietly into his ear.

Out there, in front of everyone, they’d decided to go with the traditional vows, to try and not make each other cry. But they both wanted to do their own, special ones. It was agreed to exchange them sometime later, probably late at night, when the wedding festivities were over, but she didn’t want to wait. As they were standing in this small room, both ready, wrapped up in each other, she wanted to be his already. Even if it wouldn’t be officiated, she wanted to have that promise between them already. She wanted to walk down the aisle with his vows playing in her head. She needed the confidence that his words would give her, the reminder of his love and devotion.

“Of course, whatever you want, love,” he whispered. “Do you want me to start?” Even though he didn’t see her because of their embrace, he could feel her nod. He planted a soft kiss on her cheek, right by her ear, before slowly pulling away, but keeping his hands around her waist.

Lucy felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest. It was fluttering around her ribcage, when she looked at the man in front of her, ready to soak up his every word. Even though her heartbeat might say differently, she wasn’t nervous.

“My Lulu,” Niall started, looking straight into her eyes. He’d use her full name out there for their proper vows, so now, as it was just the two of them, he really wanted to call her by his favourite nickname. “I promise to love and to cherish you every second of every day, no matter what’s going on or where we are, together or apart. I promise to not let you lose yourself, especially not in my own life and dreams. I promise to always be your number one fan and supporter, to always believe in you, always let you shine and remind you how bright you are. But most of all, I promise to be your partner, through thick and thin, no matter what life throws at us, to stand by your side, hold you tight and lift you up. I love you, Lulu and I promise to try to be the best husband possible.”

About halfway through his speech, Lucy’s eyes not only sparkled, but full on watered, tears eventually spilling down her cheeks. Niall quickly wiped them away with a soft smile and a look that said he’ll always be there to do just that. He didn’t even need to say it out loud, she already knew.

Before she started speaking, Lucy reached up on her tiptoes and planted a kiss right on his lips. “Niall, baby, I knew I should have gone first, cause you’re better at words than I am,” she started, at which he chuckled and squeezed her waist encouragingly. “I promise to always make sure you know how much I love you, through words and gestures, to always make you feel secure and confident, just like you do for me. I promise to always have your back, cause we are a team and together we can do anything. I promise to always try to understand you and consider your feelings. I promise to be open and honest, just like you want me to. I promise to never lose sight of how amazing you are and not let you to, either. I promise not to let you sacrifice yourself too much for me, even if you want to. I promise to make you laugh, just like you do with your stupid jokes, and to play with your hair and rub your back when you’re tired or can’t sleep. And I promise to always strive to be exactly what you need. Even though I can’t promise to be the perfect wife, I promise to try my hardest and always be the best for you.”

Just as she was saying the last sentence, a tear rolled down Niall’s left cheek, which she wiped with the tip of her finger, just like he’d done to her a few minutes earlier. She’d barely finished, when he pulled her closer and enveloped her in a tight hug while planting kisses all over her face and neck. This moment was just so blissful, they both wanted to stay in it forever.

Neither of them could even say how long they’d spent alone, after their vows they just stayed in each others’ embrace, sharing kisses every other second, inhaling one another, swaying back and forth on their feet, even though there was no music playing. They were wrapped up in their little bubble of love and excitement. Until there was a knock on the door.

“Please stop mingling in there, you’re supposed to get married in twenty minutes. I can’t believe you couldn’t even keep your hands off each other for one day.” Mia’s voice was slightly muffled through the doors, but her words were still clear. Niall and Lucy shared a shocked look, not even thinking of what anyone might think they were doing (they truly didn’t care), before erupting in laughter.

~~~~

When Lucy was coming back from the toilet, someone pulled her hand before she reached the main room. She turned her head to see it was her husband. He had a wicked smile on his face and put a finger to his lips as a signal to keep quiet, even though she was pretty sure no one would hear them over the loud music coming from the dancefloor anyway. He laced their fingers and led them into a corner of the hallway passed the kitchen.

Niall propped her against the wall, but put a hand around her waist to soften the hit.

“I’ve missed you,” he said, quietly bringing his body closer and leaning in to kiss her cheek before moving on to her neck.

Lucy let out a lovely laugh. It was a sound that he wanted to hear for the rest of his life. “We got married today, baby, we’ve been around each other for hours.” Despite her words, he kinda had a point. Sure, they were always together, holding hands or wrapping an arm around the waist to keep the other by their sides, but they were constantly around other people, listening to congratulations, well wishes and just making conversations with their guests. It was lovely, it was a part of the whole wedding ordeal, and it was their family and friends, who they were so happy to share this moment with, but she did want a minute alone with her husband as well.

“Yes, but I want you just for myself for a moment. You’ve been my wife for hours now and I’ve barely even kissed you. It’s a bit outrageous, don’t you think?” He whispered it all straight into her ear, nibbling on a skin once he was done.

She hummed. “Very much so” she agreed. She grabbed the back of his hair to pull him away from her neck and finally bring him in for a proper kiss. Both of them were hungry for it, their mouths working hurriedly, like anyone could interrupt them at any given moment, which was kind of true in this situation. Niall’s hands were rummaging around her dress, sneaking from around her ribcage to her waist and then travelling down and in this moment Lucy was both glad and mad at herself that her wedding gown was floor length, because she missed the warmth of his skin on her, even though this definitely wasn't the time and place to be doing that. She wanted to do nothing more but rake her fingers through his soft hair, but it was still perfectly styled and she didn’t want to ruin it, especially since it would probably create quite a buzz between the guests.

“Man, I can’t wait until the party’s over” he sighed, throwing his head back, when Lucy pulled away with a groan to force them both to catch their breath. “Is it really awful that I’m saying that about my own wedding?”

“Nah, I kinda feel the same right now,” she admitted with a giggle. At this moment, when they were sneaking around the party for a bit of a make out session, she felt like a teenager with butterflies in her stomach, not an adult with a husband. But there was a certain beauty in that, how Niall could make her feel giddy and excited with the simplest things, no matter how long they’d been together.

“Should we sneak off to the bathroom or something?” he asked with a glint in his eyes.

Lucy chuckled, knowing, well, hoping at least, that he wasn’t actually being serious. There was no way she was having sex with her husband for the first time in some filthy bathroom at their own wedding. Well, maybe not filthy, cause the whole place was very nice, but the sentiment was very much the same. It was not the place (nor time) to engage in marital sex. She and Niall had slept together too many times to count, but both of them wondered if this next time would be different, because of the official commitment marriage brought, if anything would change in their connection. Lucy had a gut feeling it’d be better than any time before and that they’d feel close and connected like never before, although that’d never been an issue for them. Their intimacy always brought not only their bodies, but also their minds and souls as close together as possible.

“Absolutely not,” she said, planting a kiss on his lips to soften the blow. “But we should get back. Theo looked pretty sleepy and I promised him another dance. Also, Harry made me swear to save one for him as well.” She smiled at the memory of sharing a dance with Niall’s ten year old godson not even an hour ago, and at the conversation they’d had with his former bandmates, which involved a lot of teasing of her husband.

“No,” Niall whined languidly. “Why do I have to share you? I’m fine with Theo, he’s a good kid, but Harry can suck it, he has his own girl.” He pouted to emphasize his words, at which Lucy laughed and reached her hand to smooth his features.

“Well, you could dance with Meave or another of the boys’ girls and then we can swap to get back together. I’m the bride, baby, a hot commodity, nothing we can do about it.” She shrugged her shoulders with a smile.

He sighed and pulled her closer to hide in the space between her neck and shoulder, which might just be his favourite spot on her body. “Okay, let’s go, I want to get it over with,” he said after a minute, standing straighter up. The smile on his face and the kiss he gave her before pulling away and lacing their fingers to head back to their party told her what she already knew, that he wasn’t actually grumpy and he did enjoy the night, even if it meant sharing her the whole night. Because in the end, she was his and he was hers and they had a whole lifetime together ahead of them.

Right before they entered the room where most of the guests were gathered, he pulled her to her chest once more and whispered a simple sentence right into her ear, but that few words sent a thrilled chill across her whole body: “Can’t wait for our honeymoon.”

#1dff #niall horan fanfiction #one direction fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #one direction fan fiction #writing #dtl #down the line

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thewritewolf · 5 years ago

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Inseparable Chapter 1: Miraculouses

Hello and welcome to the first chapter of my Ladynoir July story, Inseparable! It is bittersweet to reach this point since it is the last of the Love Square months, but I can proudly say I’ve been participating fully this year. I hope you’ll read along daily with me as I tell this Ladynoir story!

With powerful akumas becoming a greater threat everyday, Master Fu has decided that the time for keeping Ladybug and Chat Noir at arm's length is over. They will need his guidance if they are going to win the war, but even more importantly, they will need each other. A simple plan to make them better heroes quickly turns into something more as Ladybug and Chat Noir are drawn ever closer to each other.

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@ladynoirjuly2019

Enjoy!

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The streets were dark and cold when Marinette sailed over them with the use of her yoyo. While she liked the rainy late summer nights just before school started, she much preferred experiencing them while she was indoors. Maybe curled up in a heap of blankets and reading a book by lamplight. But a glance at the abandoned streets made it clear why Master Fu would choose now, of all nights, to finally answer her.

Marinette had been hoping that Master Fu lend her some sort of more lasting help in the fight against Hawkmoth. Temporary power ups and heroes of the day were nice and all, but the intensity they’d been facing recently had meant that those sometimes weren’t an option. Even as she tried to not get her hopes up, she wondered what the old guardian had in store for her. He was good about throwing curve balls at her, of offering aid in unexpected ways.

There was barely a thought spared for the route she was taking. As the only one of the pair allowed to meet with the Guardian, this meant she visited him frequently. Or, at least, as frequently as one met with a reclusive, centuries-old hermit. Her arms and legs had long since committed the paths to memory. Even the extra ones routes, added just to throw off anyone who might be watching her too closely. The loose tiles, the strong hand holds, the best places to swing across. All remembered without needing to bother her brain with the details.

The quaint little shop that Master Fu operated out of was lit like a beacon, calling to her from the rain and fog. With as little noise as possible, she slipped in through the back after being sure no one was watching her. Traditionally it was at this point that, safe and secure inside the master’s home, she would drop her transformation and meet with him without a mask getting between them. This time, however, his message had been very clear about her staying as Ladybug for the duration of the visit.

The reason why became obvious when she opened a sliding door to see Chat Noir sitting by himself at the familiar low table, helping himself to the hot tea and cookies set out for them. Just as quickly as she noticed him, he turned his head to look at her, cheeks puffed out with stolen cookies and eyes wide. He swallowed heavily while maintaining eye contact.

“Please don’t tell Master Fu I ate all his cookies.”

Despite her shock at seeing him here, she couldn’t help but giggle. He was her silly kitty, as always. She settled down next to him and took a sip of the tea in front of her. Chat pushed the nearly-empty cookie basket towards her and she looked up to see him guiltily rubbing the back of his neck.

“If I’d known you were coming, I would have left you more than that.” He flashed her a meek smile. “Sorry.”

She took a bite of her cookie, but before she could ask him why he was here, the door leading deeper into the shop opened. Master Fu entered, with Wayzz floating near his shoulder.

“Greetings, young ones.” He sat opposite to them and inclined his head. “We have much to discuss concerning our fight against Hawkmoth.” If he didn’t have their attention before, he had it now. Both of them watched intently as he stroked his beard. “Our enemy is starting to unlock new depths of power to his miraculous. If we continue as we are, then we will be overwhelmed.”

“What can we do to fight him, Master? We still don’t have any leads.” Marinette bit down on the last of her cookie irritatedly. “All we can do is contain him.”

“And even that is getting harder,” Chat Noir chimmed in. “More akumas with weirder powers almost makes it feel like he’s experimenting with what he can do.” Chat frowned and flexed his claws. “Wish we could do that,” he grumbled.

“That is why I have brought you both here today. Our foe is strong, but alone. He lacks the bond that you two share - both as partners, and as wielders of the Cat and Ladybug miraculouses. While our opponent must learn through trial and error, you can be taught and trained.” Master Fu rubbed a thumb idly over his jade bracelet. “I have long years of experience with being one of the chosen, in addition to my duties as a Guardian.”

“Training…?” Marinette blinked. “That sounds great, but why now? Couldn’t we have used this even earlier?”

Master Fu hung his head sadly. “Yes, that is true. Previously, my desire for secrecy meant that I limited my contact with you two. Over the last few months and frequent visits from you, Ladybug, I have decided that those precautions are no longer necessary.”

Chat Noir perked up. “Does that mean-”

“No. The secret identities must remain in place. We must only part with such things when absolutely necessary. Otherwise, we will unduly expose ourselves.”

Chat’s ears drooped. “Yes, master. So what are we going to be doing?”

“Training sessions - martial and meditative, to make your minds as potent weapons as your bodies. Extra patrols, to deepen the already strong bond between the two of you. That would be the nature of what I ask from you.”

“I… see…” Chat had a faraway look in his eyes, as if doing mental math. He turned to her and leaned in close. “What do you think, bugaboo?”

Pushing him away by the nose, she replied, “First, quit it with the bugaboo.” She glanced towards Fu, then back to her partner. Time and place, Chat. She shrugged. “It might be hard to find the extra time, but I’m willing to try.”

Chat nodded. “Then that’s my answer too.”

“Excellent.” Master Fu rose to his feet. “Once I have devised some sort of schedule, I will let the both of you know immediately. For now, I will let you return home. It is late, and I’m sure the both of you are tired.”

As if on cue, Marinette yawned. “Right. We’ll head straight home, Master Fu.”

--------------------

Later, the two of them were looking out at the rain from their spot in an archway at Notre Dame’s towers. Ladybug was seated opposite him, still smiling softly from the joke he’d cracked on their way here. There was a companionable silence between them, a stillness that they didn’t often get when they had time together. Maybe these extra patrols would be worth the loss of sleep, even if his make up artists would have to put in more time to erase the bags under his eyes.

Ladybug glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. “I see you staring, Chat. What’s on that kitty brain of yours?”

“What?” He feigned innocence. “Can I not simply admire your beauty?”

“You can, but I would have thought those hundreds of pictures of me that you have on your baton would be enough.” She raised an eyebrow with a smile as a rare blush rushed to his cheeks. That had been an embarrassing afternoon for him. Despite her relentless teasing, she had been surprisingly alright with it. Maybe she wasn’t so innocent of it herself?

“It’s like I told you, that must have been Hawkmoth’s doing. No doubt he was trying to ruin my good name.”

“Oh? So you deleted the pictures then?”

“Of course not. Even if I didn’t put them there, how could I pawsibly remove such gorgeous images from my baton? It’d practically be a crime.”

She giggled. “If you say so, Chat.” Her smile faded a little as she looked into the rain. “Looks like we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other in the future.”

“Looks like it.” He stepped away from the wall and took a seat next to her. “Whatever it takes to beat Hawkmoth, I guess.”

“You don’t sound too thrilled about it, kitty. Already getting tired of me?”

“Never,” he replied instantly. “He wants us to grow closer, to strengthen the bond between us and our miraculous. But he doesn’t want us to do it naturally. There is still a wall that we aren’t allowed to break down.”

“Our masks,” she sighed. This was a battle she was getting tired of fighting. “We’ve been over this, Chat…”

“I know, I know, but Master Fu has practically admitted that secrecy is only hurting us now. And yeah, it is his demand, but we’re the ones out there fighting, risking everything. Don’t we at least deserve this much? And come on,” he nudged her shoulder playfully, a grin on his face as he waggled his eyebrows. “You must have wondered who this handsome partner of yours is?”

It might have just been his imagination, but he could almost swear he saw a bit of red dusting her cheeks around the mask.

“Besides that last part, you’ve got a point.” She stood up, twirling her yoyo. “How about we start small? My favorite color is pink.”

“Blue,” the color of the eyes that haunts my dreams.

“See? Now we’re on our way to knowing everything about each other.” She flashed him a smile and sailed away.

Even though he knew she was just kidding, he felt the truth of her words in his soul. Holding this newfound knowledge close to his heart, he made his way home. Although only a few minutes had passed since she left, he was already looking forward to the next time he would see her.

#Miraculous Ladybug #LadynoirJuly2019 #Ladybug #Chat Noir #Ladynoir #Master Fu #ml fanfiction #my writing #Inseparable

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bisexualbumblebee-writes · 5 years ago

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Stay With Me (Bucky Barnes x Reader) Part 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Requested: by @thisisntmyrightera

Word count: 1,972

Prompts: #36 and #44

36. "As cute as that was, we have a life or death situation at hand."

44. "Can you hold my hand?"

A/N: I apologise so much for how long this took me to upload. But I hope you still enjoy it! Feedback and criticism is always welcomed! 💖

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1939.

“As cute as that was, we have a life or death situation at hand.” (Y/N) panicked, slightly frustrated at the cuddled up Steve and Peggy’s lack of the same feeling. They had just gotten back from the doctor’s office with some happy news, though (Y/N) didn’t exactly know if it’d be happy all around. Peggy sighed as she watches the frantic girl pacing around the living room. “(Y/N) you need to calm down. Of course Bucky’s gonna want it.” She said, slightly exasperated. “Yeah, Bucky’s always telling me how much he wanted to start a family. He’ll be ecstatic when you tell him.” Steve reassured, much more patient with (Y/N)’s worries. (Y/N) could only sigh in response. “You… are gonna tell him, right?” Steve asked unsurely. “I don’t know Steve. We’re not even married yet. What would people say about us?” (Y/N) started biting her nails. Steve sighed. “You know he wouldn’t care about that.” It was Peggy’s turn to speak up now. “Steve’s right, you need to tell him (N/N). It isn’t fair to him, it’s his child too.” She grabbed (Y/N)’s hand, giving it a comforting squeeze before pulling her to sit between them.

(Y/N) bit her lip. She knew her friends were right, but that didn’t stop her nerves from taking over. She went to reply but was cut off when the front door opened. “(Y/N) I’m home.” Bucky called as he kicked off his shoes, setting them out of the way. (Y/N)’s anxiousness only worsened but Peggy was quick to calm her down, resting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Bucky walked into the living room, a blissfully unaware smile on his face. “Hey love- oh, Peggy and Steve. Didn’t know you guys were coming over.” The two stood and went over to greet him. He gave the two of them a quick hug before finally walking over to where (Y/N) was still sat. (Y/N) put a weak smile on and stood, hugging him though it wasn’t as tight as it usually was. Bucky pulled away concerned. “(N/N)?” He asks softly. “Are you okay?” She was just about to tell him that she was fine but Peggy interrupted her. “(Y/N) actually has something to tell you.” She said quickly, making (Y/N) turn and glare at her. “Oh? What’s up?” He asks, now growing nervous at (Y/N)’s reaction. “We’ll just leave you two be.” Steve says softly, the pair saying their goodbyes before heading out.

“Okay then.” Bucky laughs a little. “What did you need to tell me (N/N)?” (Y/N) sighs and faces him. “Bucky…” She trails off, not knowing how to approach the situation at hand. She walks over to the couch and takes a seat, prompting Bucky to do so. “You’re making me nervous.” He laughs a little. (Y/N) forced herself to laugh along and Bucky became serious. “(Y/N) are you having second thoughts?” Her eyes widened at his question and she quickly shook her head. “No, no! Never!” She takes his hands and sighs, deciding to just get it over with. “I’m pregnant Bucky.” Bucky froze at her words. Well that wasn’t what he expected to hear. A smile suddenly broke out on his face, pleasantly surprising (Y/N). “(Y/N) that’s amazing!” He practically shouted, squeezing her hand. “You’re not mad?” He shook his head, a loving smile gracing his lips. “I could never. There’s a little us in there!” He poked her stomach, making her let out a giggle. His smile widened even more if possible and he pulled her into a warm hug. In almost nine months they’d be married and there’d be a little mix of them running around.

1939- cont.

September 1, 1939. World War 2 had started. When Bucky broke the news to (Y/N) that he’d enlisted, she was heartbroken. Not only was it was getting closer to the big day but (Y/N)’s stomach had gotten significantly bigger and it became harder to get around on her own. Of course she voiced these concerns to him, but her fiance was quick to reassure. They both made a promise to each other that day. Bucky promised that he’d make it back to (Y/N) alive, no matter what. (Y/N) promised that she would wait for Bucky to return, no matter what.

1940.

(M/N) helped (Y/N) with her breathing as the doctors prepped to start the labor process. As much as her mother told her to keep her eyes on her, (Y/N) couldn’t help but look around nervously. Here she was, about to give birth to their baby, but Bucky was nowhere in sight. Logically she understood why he couldn’t, but god how she longed for him to be by her side. She groaned loudly as she felt another contraction hit and the doctors told her it was time.

(Y/N) sat back tiredly, tears silently streaming down her face while her mother rubbed her shoulder. “It’s a girl.” The doctor told her with a kind smile before carefully handing the swaddled baby to her. (Y/N) stared down at the cooing baby with such love and adoration as she spoke to her. “Welcome to the world Jamie.” She whispers. Jamie Maria Barnes was born on February 4, 1940.

1944.

(Y/N) had found out from Steve. He felt it was only right that she heard it from him. (Y/N)’s smile was wide and bright when she opened the door to see Steve on her front porch. But it quickly faded after seeing the solemn look on his face. He broke it to her as easily as he could but her reaction was just the same as if she’d found out from someone else. The pained look and anguished cry that came for her made him cringe on the inside. If he were to describe to someone what grief was he’d use this as an example. Jamie tried to comfort her mother the best that she could, but couldn’t do much. She was still young and didn’t fully understand the concept of death, all she knew was that daddy wasn’t coming home.

2016.

(Y/N) didn’t let her fiance’s death effect Jamie’s life growing up, but she didn’t let Jamie forget her father. She always told her stories of how wonderful of a soldier and and even better person he was. (Y/N) continued with life, raising Jamie to the best of her ability, even if it meant getting help from a few people.

For the most part she was happy, but her happiness couldn’t stop the whispers behind her back. ‘Can you believe (Y/N)?’ ‘Not even giving Jamie the life she deserves.’ ‘That little girl needs a father in her life.’ She tried her best to ignore the hateful words, but there were times when she doubted herself. Yet in the end she knew what was right. It just didn’t feel right to marry after Bucky, she loved him too much to break her promise.

Life went on. (Y/N) watched Jamie grow up, get married, and start a family. (Y/N) happily grew old, sharing memories with Jamie and her family. They were there when Steve was unfrozen, and they helped him adapt to the new modern world, as difficult as the task was. Plus it was nice to talk to someone about “the good old days” without the other person just writing her off as crazy. She’d even gotten closer to Natasha and Sam in the process, essentially becoming a mother of sorts to them. She nearly had a heart attack when she found out Bucky was alive as well. She remembers seeing Bucky again for the first time, though it wasn’t Bucky anymore. His eyes were dark, cold, broken. Very different from the eyes she remembered from when they first met. He was the WInter Soldier. She was there to help him adapt as well once Steve had managed to get him back to Bucky. He finally got to meet the daughter he was so excited to see over seventy years ago.

2019.

More time went on and as much as (Y/N)’s lighthearted spirit stayed young, she was still getting older. Soon enough she was too old to be able to breathe on her own. As much as Steve, Bucky and Jamie wish it weren’t true, they still knew her time was coming to an end. She was in the hospital now. The doctors said it could happen at any moment so they started to say their goodbyes. Steve and Jamie had already done so, and it was now Bucky’s turn.

He’d brought some albums he found at her house and they were looking through them, talking nostalgically. “And this one was at her third birthda-” (Y/N) was cut off by her own breathless coughing. Bucky was quick to help sit her up and rubbed her back. (Y/N) sat back with a sigh once she’d managed to calm down. “Are you okay (N/N)?” He asked gently. She gave him a kind smile. “I’m fine my love.” She says softly.

Silence surrounded them for a bit before slowly holding out her hand in front of him. “Can you hold my hand?” She asks, her voice now obviously weaker. Bucky wasted no time in taking her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I love you James.” She says. He smiles. “I love you too (Y/N).” He kisses the back of her hand. “Get some rest.” He finishes. (Y/N) complies, laying her head back and closing her eyes. After waiting for what seemed like hours when it was only a few minutes, (Y/N)’s grip loosened on Bucky’s hand and a steady beep sounded on the monitor. Bucky barely had time to process it before doctors were running in and escorting him out to the others.

(Y/N) was given a funeral fit for a queen. Bucky wouldn’t have anything less for her. Steve, Jamie, Natasha, and Bucky had all given eulogies. (Y/N) was buried right beside her mother. Days later Bucky and Jamie were going through her stuff, figuring out what to keep and what to take to storage. Jamie was currently in the living room while Bucky stayed in the master bedroom. Bucky was going through her nightstand but stopped when he noticed a folded up piece of paper sitting in the corner of the top drawer. He carefully picked it up and unfolded it to reveal it to be the picture of the two of them at the Fourth of July party, holding hands and staring up at the fireworks. A bittersweet smile appeared on his face as tears well up in his eyes as he stared at it.

“She never let me take that picture.” Jamie spoke from behind him, making him turn to face her. She was leaning against the doorway, her face also adorned a bittersweet smile. “That was the one picture she refused to part with.” She laughs a little. “I remember one time when I was twelve I tried to take it. I was grounded for two weeks.” They laugh at the shared memory and he folded the paper up again. “Mind if I keep this one?” Jamie waved her hand dismissively. “Go ahead, I’ve got enough.” He smiled gratefully and stuffed the note carefully into his jacket pocket, keeping it there so it was with him always. He hadn’t been there for (Y/N) for a long time, but god was he happy that he was there with her in the end of it all. He’d found his way back to her, just like he had promised.

#avengers #avengers imagine #avengers x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes x reader

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redeyessharplies · 7 years ago

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When the Curtain is Drawn

NOT FINISHED BUT LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK MAYBE??

Summary: Circus Au. When Bucky agreed to run away to the circus with Steve he hadn’t expected them to really stay. He thought that the other would realise that it was a bad idea and the two would return after a few days. He thought that the circus owner wouldn’t let them join. He definitely hadn’t expected that they would be welcomed into one hell of a dysfunctional family, nor that he would meet one of the most alluring magicians in the world.

Bucky had never been one to believe in the tricks of magicians, but the only word he could think of to describe Loki really was magic.

(Fic under cut)

Bucky rolled his eyes as he sat on Steve’s bed, watching as his friend packed. This was hardly the first time his friend had wanted to run away from home and while he understood – hell he understood more than Steve would ever know – this was by far the most unrealistic and cliché of his plans to date.

“Really? The Circus?”

“Yes.” Steve repeated again, he had already confirmed this four times since Bucky arrived. “I am sick of living here and my aunty won’t notice if I’m gone. There’s a circus setting up on the oval down the street of the church, I talked to the owner a guy called Nick Fury, and he said they are only doing a couple of shows before they leave. I offered to help out and he said they were always happy to get extra hands. If I can prove that I’m a good worker he might let me go with them! And I can finally be free of this town!”

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair, absently noting its length, “Technically the town is fine, it’s just the people here that are shitty.” He countered, earning a smile from his friend. “And you’re just going to take off and leave me here?”

Steve stopped and faced him, his eyes, so hard with determination, softened, “You know I’d never do that Buck. Come with me?”

“To the circus.” Bucky deadpanned and sighed again. “This is a terrible plan, you’re aware of this right?”

“You’ve gone alone with worse plans.” Steve pointed out with a cheeky smirk that to anyone else would be charming but Bucky knew how much of a little shit his friend really was.

“… you’re not wrong.” He begrudgingly relented, “Alright. Let’s go be the most cliché people in the history of people and run away to join the circus.”

As it turns out, running away to join a circus entailed a lot more work than Bucky had thought. Fury had allowed he and Steve to help set up the tents and to help the members of the circus get ready before every show.

The circus, Sortie Du Cirque (aka Circus of Outcast’s as Bucky would later find out), did three shows every day. The morning was reserved for practice, with every act getting a chance to either practice on stage or where ever else they preferred. There was then a show in the afternoon, another in the early evening for young families to be able to attend without their little ones having to be up too late, and a final show late at night. After the first full day with the circus Bucky decided the late night show was by far his favourite.

As there were rarely little kids in the audience, the performers didn’t have to censor themselves, a lot of them would banter more freely, both among themselves and with the audience.

The show consisted of five acts and two clowns who kept the crowd going in the in-between moments. Fury had explained that some performers would join them for a few shows, sometimes up to a few months at a time, as they passed through other cities but the main performers were as constant as the tent itself.

The five main acts consisted of Thor the Strong Man, The Two Mad Scientists, The Man Who Never Misses, The Angelic Ariel Acrobat, and Loki the Trickster. The two clowns were never named on stage but Bucky learned their names were Sam and Scott. The two men were hilarious and insanely talented in their own rights but their specialty really was making the crowd laugh. They were fantastic improvisers and any small issue was covered smoothly by them.

The rest of the performers were also really nice people, at least as far as Bucky could tell.

They pulled their weight and helped to set things up, Thor (and yeah apparently that was the guys real name) lived up to his stage name and did a lot of the heavy lifting. Steve got on with the blonde famously, it helped that the strong man was also a giant puppy human.

Clint (the man who didn’t miss) and Natasha (the acrobat) were both easy going people but Bucky could sense that they were hiding something. He could see it in the hints of darkness that entered their eyes and the way they avoided talking about certain situations. He had seen the same look and done the same things himself. So he knew better than to push and it seemed that they were doing the same with him. The mutual avoidance meant the three became friends pretty quickly.

The two scientists didn’t seem mad when they weren’t performing, Tony was a little cocky and a bit eccentric but Bruce was nearly shy when the stage lights weren’t on him. Either way the two were nice, more than a few times they would start talking about science mumo jumbo that Bucky had no hope of following but it was still interesting to listen to. He would always feel both smarter and dumber after talking to them.

The only performer that Bucky wasn’t overly sure of was Loki.

While he and Steve had met the others on their first day of work, Loki had refused to come out to meet them. Thor had apologised profusely, apparently the two were brothers and so he felt the need to represent his younger brother. The brunet had spotted him as he and Steve were repainting one of the large signs later that day. A slender man with hair as black as night and skin so pale he was nearly worried the man was ill, Loki was sat beneath a nearby tree with a book on his lap, seeming completely content to lose himself in the pages and ignore the world around him.

“He looks nothing like his brother…” Bucky had whispered to Steve.

Steve followed his gaze and saw who he meant, “I think the archer, Clint, mentioned that Loki is adopted.”

Bucky had hummed and the two had gotten back to work.

It wasn’t till the following day that he had met Loki properly.

Fury had asked he and Steve to help out with the sets and props (Bucky suspected it was because Steve was forever hopeful and persistent about proving their worth), and Bucky had helped to bring out things for Loki.

Bucky remembered seeing a magician when he was eight - he had done some basic card tricks and made a rabbit appear out of a hat. He had thought it was incredible, believing it was all real, until of course his father had pointed out how the man had done it and called him an idiot for ever believing in it.

Since then Bucky had always scoffed at magicians. He had become well practiced in finding the secrets that they tried to guard.

So being this close as Loki did his performance should have made it easy for him to find out exact how Loki was doing it and yet… as he seemingly transformed a rubber chicken that Sam had passed to him into a live dove that promptly flew around the room, Bucky was stumped. He had no idea how he had done it.

When Bucky agreed to run away to the circus with Steve he hadn’t expected them to really stay. He thought that the other would realise that it was a bad idea and the two would return after a few days. He thought that, even with how well they had done their jobs, Fury wouldn’t let them stay.

But he had started to hope that he would be wrong.

So when Fury had asked them to help them pack the trucks, Bucky had to admit he was a bit depressed. The last couple of days with the circus had been the first in years that he had felt like he was at home. While Bucky was in the habit of schooling his features into a blank mask when he was upset, Steve wore his heart on his sleeve. It was obvious to everyone present that he didn’t want to leave.

It was Tony that cracked first, “Fury come on; have mercy on the poor guy.”

A rare smirk appeared on the owners’ face, “Like I said boys, back up the trucks. And make sure you have a bag or two on there as well. That is of course, if you want to come with us?”

“Really? Thank you so much!” Steve lit up like the fourth of July and soon enough the two were heading home to pack and let their families know they were leaving.

That went about as well as Bucky had expected.

He arrived before Steve, thank the gods, and Natasha was the first one to spot him. She didn’t even mention the bruise on his jaw as she gestured for him to follow her.

In the back of one of the trucks she used her foundation to cover it up before giving him a gentle genuine smile. “There, all done.”

“Thanks…”

Natasha shrugged, “You’re part of the family now right? Unlike some families, we look out for each other.” The power in her voice shook him to his core and he could only manage a small nod. “Now, help me get my suitcase in here?”

As Bucky and Steve sat beside each other, the blonde smiled brightly at him.

“We did it Buck. We finally did it.”

After four days of driving they reached another small town, it was raining heavily though and it was impossible for them to put up the big tops. Fury wasn’t happy but the performers seemed excited to have a few days off.

“Alright. New game plan.” Fury started as they were sitting around a dining table at the restaurant a few doors down from the cheap hotel they were staying in. “We have three days to prep everything, if the rain let’s up and the ground is dry enough by then we can go ahead with the shows. We’ve set the circus up in a day before and I’m sure we would be able to again. But if, by the last of the three days, the ground isn’t dry enough or it hasn’t stopped raining, then we can’t do the shows and we have to move on to the next town.”

This was met by bittersweet nods of understanding. It seemed that while the performers were grateful for the downtime they didn’t want to disappoint and cancel the shows either.

“In the meantime, stay out of trouble.” Fury added, looking specifically at Loki (who rolled his eyes) and Tony (who mocked being offended before Bruce elbowed him).

“We shall ensure they are on their best behaviour.” Thor assured the man in that casually formal way that seemed to be ingrained in him.

“Their best is what I’m worried about…” Fury muttered.

“What do you think about Loki?” Bucky asked Steve as they were getting ready for bed. The two were sharing a room, Fury was the only one who got to have a single room.

Steve hummed in surprise at the question, looking over at him, “He seems… quiet. He’s very talented at what he does though. Why?”

Bucky shrugged, “No reason really.”

It was the second day since they arrived and the rain wouldn’t let up. It made the temperature drop and Bucky soon realised the few jackets he had had time to grab before leaving wouldn’t cut it.

He was relieved that Steve had at least packed properly. While his friend had bulked up a lot in recent years, he still had the immune system of a fetus. This was why Bucky shook his head when the blonde offered to go with him to try to find a shop where he could pick up a new jacket, “I saw an op shop a few doors down, I’ll be back soon.”

Going down and pulling his collar up higher, Bucky didn’t expect to see anyone he recognised when he stepped out of the hotel.

So he was caught off guard when he spotted Loki standing in the rain. He didn’t at all seem bothered by the icy drops that had saturated his cloths and clung to his hair and skin, making his already black hair seem impossibly darker and small bumps appear along his bare pale arms. He had his head tilted back, eyes closed as he stood on the edge of the gutter.

“You’re going to catch a cold like that.” Bucky pointed out after realising he had been staring for a moment too long.

Loki, to his credit, didn’t jump, though he did tense for a moment. “Unlikely. I don’t get sick.”

“Right, cause you have a magical immune system too now?” Bucky fired back with a hint of a sneer at the edge of his voice. He didn’t have anything against Loki, not really anyway, but there was something about him that put him on edge.

Loki turned and levelled him with a look.

Bucky stiffened and walked away without another word.

The third day brought with it more rain. The circus would not be performing in this town.

Bucky sighed as he looked out the window, Steve tapping him on the shoulder and handing him some tea.

There was a knock at the door and Steve went to answer, “Oh hey Clint! What can we do for you?”

“Hey man, Loki, Nat, and I are going to go throw stuff at a dart board while Tony, Bruce, and Thor play pool. You guys want in?” the archer asked with a challenge in his voice.

“Sure! Wait, this place has a pool room?” Steve asked, head tilting a little.

“Yeah! Tony found it last night. Bucky you in?”

Bucky met Steve’s questioning look and shrugged, “Okay sure.”

The three headed down together and found that the others were already there. Apart from them though the room was empty. As promised the scientists and Thor were playing pool, laughing loudly. A few metres away Nat and Loki were standing in front of a dart board but…

“They’re using throwing knives?!” Steve demanded, jaw dropping a little as Bucky’s eyes widened.

Sam and Scott came over to join them, Sam clapping the two on the shoulder with a smirk, “Oh you guys have a lot to get used to!” he laughed, coaxing them further into the room as Clint joined the others.

It seemed they had been waiting for him because as soon as Clint was close enough Loki threw a knife with dangerous precision, hitting just below the bullseye.

Bucky had to admit. He was impressed.

“So is this just a normal thing?” he asked as he moved closer while Steve joined the others at the pool table.

“Depends on your definition of normal.” Scott replied making the others laugh.

“Welcome to the circus.” Clint added with a tease as Nat planted a knife in the board.

Bucky could help but laugh. It was beyond bizarre but right now, watching his new friends throw knives at a dark board while Thor lifted a pool table to stop Tony sinking the black ball, in the pool room of a cheap ass hotel in a town he didn’t even know the name of, Bucky felt incredibly free.

The next morning they were back on the road, Bucky in the back of one of the vans with Scott, Bruce, Tony and Loki. Bruce and Tony were deep in their science babble, discussing plans for a new invention for their act. The two did a mixture of genuinely cool experiments, showing off inventions, and intentionally making mistakes to entertain the audience before fixing them to the audiences cheers.

Their act was possibly Bucky’s favourite.

As it turned out, Scott was a genius too. Maybe not to the same degree as the others but he often piped up suggestions on how to make the design better and the other two would ask for his opinion.

Unfortunately their conversation was getting a bit too technical for Bucky to follow and so he looked at Loki who once again had his head in a book.

“What are you reading?” he asked curiously.

Loki looked up at him and raised his book for him to be able to see.

Bucky laughed. “Really? Harry Potter?”

Loki smirked with a shrug, “I told Fury it was inspirational and he let me buy the series with the company card. He claimed it on equipment.”

“Surely Bucky isn’t your true name.” Loki asked it suddenly one day. He was on stage, working on a new trick and from the curses and the way his eyebrows pinched together Bucky didn’t think it was going well.

“It’s a nickname. James Buchannan Barnes is my full name.” Bucky supplied, not really sure why the other had brought it up.

“James is a much better name. Bucky is just a sound.” Loki told him, his voice holding such finality that he wasn’t able to argue. Instead Bucky just watched as Loki jumped off the stage and started to walk away.

Almost as an afterthought Loki turned back towards the stage and whistled.

A crow statue on the side of the stage suddenly took flight, flying to and landing on Loki’s shoulder as he continued walking.

“How does he do it?!” Bucky demanded again, pacing back and forth in front of Steve who was sitting, content to sketch pictures of the big top while his friend ranted.

“Do what?” he prompted absently.

“The-!” Bucky flailed, “The birds! The dove and the crow and the freaking rubber chicken!! How does Loki do it?!”

Steve smiled at him innocently.

“Magic?”

By the time they reached the next town the sun was shining brightly once more.

“Alright we have lost money to make up for! Let’s get this top up today and everyone get rehearsing!” Fury barked out. Bucky barely resisted the urge to either flinch or salute.

He did notice Loki rolling his eyes though which made him smile. Something about the green eyed magician gave Bucky the impression that he didn’t deal well with authority.

Soon enough everyone was hard at work setting everything up. Well almost everyone.

Loki was once again reading.

“You have truly been a spectacular audience! But I have one last favour to ask!” Clint called cheerfully, with a flourish of showmanship that brought a smile to everyone’s face, Steve and Bucky included. “I need a brave volunteer!”

The crowed seemed hesitant.

“I mean, I could always get Lady Aerial back out here if no one is brave enough?” Clint teased and almost immediately a man in the second row raised his hand. “Excellent! Come on up good sir!”

Steve came over to point to where he could get onto the stage more easily.

As he came up, Clint addressed the rest of the audience. “So,” he picked up and apple and lazily tossed it up in the air a few times, “Everyone knows the classic ‘shoot and apple of a person’s head’ trick. It’s old and boring and lets be real I could do it in my sleep.” He winked at a young woman in the audience who giggled. “I won’t be doing that. Instead, my oh so brave volunteer, I want you to bite the apple between your teeth and hold it there.”

The man looked hesitant but some jeers from his friends seemed to boost his confidence and so he happily did as he was told.

Clint smirked. It didn’t bode well.

“Now, I don’t mean to brag or anything, but my title literally is The Man Who Never Misses. And would you guys say I live up to it?” he asked, the crowd cheering excitedly as Clint went to retrieve another arrow before walking over to Bucky who held a blind fold in his hand.

“Well I guess we’re going to see! Or rather,” pausing for dramatic effect as he turned around, notching the arrow while Bucky tied the blindfold in place securely, “You’ll see. You ready buddy?” he called to the man who looked frozen in place, his eyes wide as dinner plates. “Don’t move okay or this… well, this might get a bit messy.”

To the guys credit he didn’t move (though he seemed to be frozen).

The crowd was silent as Clint drew the arrow back before letting it fly.

There was a collective gasp before the cheers erupted. Clint removed the blind fold to bow at the crowd while Steve subtly put his hand on the man’s shoulder to steady him as he took the apple out of his mouth.

The arrow tip just barely pointing out the end.

Later that night, Bucky, Steve, Natasha, Tony, and Sam were sitting by the fire, winding down after a successful night.

Steve was drawing in the low light, Tony having pestered him until he agreed to draw him. Natasha was sitting beside the blonde, occasionally giving suggestions, “His hairline should be further back.”

“Shut it Nat,” Tony sniped back, “My hair is perfection and you know it!”

Steve just laughed and shook his head fondly. Bucky smiled, he was glad to see that Steve had settled in, made friends and seemed happy again.

Sam and Bucky were playing cards. The two enjoyed competing together, in everything from cards to gaining people attentions. Bucky kept his face blank as Sam contemplated what to do. “Alright… I see your chip, and raise you a bite size candy bar.”

Fury didn’t let them gamble with real money after Natasha had left them all broke.

Bucky was about to retaliate when distant yelling caught all of their attentions.

Natasha and Tony shared a knowing look, “Do you want to go?” Nat asked.

“Hell no, I broke them up last time and coped a black eye for my trouble!” Tony argued, “Send Sam!”

“I went the time before that.” Sam argued, not looking up from his cards.

“What’s going on?” Steve asked, brows knitting together in confusion.

The three exchanged a look before Tony decided to take over, “It’s Thor and Loki. They have a… temperamental relationship at the best of times.”

“And at the worst?”

A loud crashing and Loki cursing seemed to answer that question.

Steve put down his sketch pad and got up, “Should one of us go see if everything’s alright?” he asked anxiously, wanting to help.

“Yep, and since you volunteered, good luck!” Tony said cheerfully, earning him a hit on his shoulder from Nat.

“It’s alright Steve, I can go. I have more practice than you with them.” Nat argued but when another loud crashing sounded Steve shook his head.

“I insist. Besides, if this happens a lot, I gotta know how to help right?” Steve replied with a smile and started heading towards the sound.

“Don’t cheat.” Bucky told Sam and got up to follow.

“Why won’t you just listen to me?!” Thor’s voice was far louder as the two friends grew closer, putting Bucky on edge.

“Because you know why I left, you know!” Loki screamed back, the hint of hysteria in his voice was something the two friends had never heard before.

“But why must you still be so difficult?!” Thor practically roared, a loud crashing sounding inside the brothers tent.

That was the last straw. Steve didn’t bother to announce their arrival as he pushed his way into the tent, Bucky not hesitating to follow. Loki was standing in the corner, shaking with his arms raised over his head instinctually. There were shattered remains of plates and a mug near him. Thor was glaring at his brother but there was something in his eyes, something akin to pleading.

It wasn’t until Steve spoke that the two seemed to even notice they were there.

“Guys that’s enough! I don’t know what you two are arguing about but I think you two should just calm down…” Steve’s confidence seemed to waver as Thor turned his glare on him. However, the bigger blonde did seem to deflate some.

Since it didn’t look like Thor was about to throat punch Steve, Bucky took the chance to move closer to Loki. He gently took hold of his elbow and urged him out of the tent. Loki’s green eyes were fixed on his brother as he was led out.

It wasn’t until the cool air hit him that he seemed to see Bucky.

With a scold the magician pulled his arm free, “Get off me!” he barked out, turning away from Bucky and stalking off.

For two people who had been at each other’s throats barely twenty-four hours ago, the two brothers seemed completely fine come the next morning. Or at least, if you ignored the forced smiles and the slight awkwardness, then yeah everything was fine. After breakfast Bucky was heading to his and Steve’s tent to change when he overheard a snippet of the brothers conversation.

“-apologize for acting like I did, it was unbecoming and I should not have thrown things at you.” Thor sounded beyond sincere and Bucky didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to interrupt their moment.

Loki sighed, his voice was soft as he replied and Bucky felt guilty for listening in, “I should not have pushed you like I did… I just…”

There was a pause before Thor gently urged, “If your silver tongue isn’t working, perhaps the truth may come easier.” When no answer came, it was Thor’s turn to sigh. “Alright. I will not push.” With that the blonde walked away, passing in and out of Bucky’s line of sight as he headed, presumably, to his tent to get ready for the day

It was only then, when Loki believed he was alone, that he offered an answer.

“… I just don’t want you to resent me or regret coming with me…”

Sam trumped around the stage, dramatically rubbing his head as though he were drenched in sweat. Scott came bouncing onto the stage slumping down next to him. Sam glanced at him, putting his finger to his lips as he leaned over to steal Scott’s hat and ‘dry’ the imaginary sweat off his head and underarms.

As the crowd laughed, Scott noticed what he was doing and gasped in mock offence. He snatched the hat back eagerly, holding it out of Sam’s reach. The two then started wrestling.

While they did so, Loki stepped up onto the stage. He was dressed in black and green, blue face paint decorating his delicate features as he walked around the pair slowly.

Unlike the other acts Bucky had watched Loki do, the magician didn’t speak a word.

This was a new trick, and as such everyone was watching on excitedly, he and Steve were amongst the crowd while the others watched from side of stage.

So it wasn’t just the audience who gasped and stared in awe as Loki tapped the two wrestling clowns on the shoulder and pointed up at the roof. White flecks started to fall and to the amazement of everyone, literal snow rained down on the stage and audience.

“Wow…”

“It snowed!”

“I know.”

“It actually fucking snowed!!”

“I was there Buck.”

“How in the ever loving fuck did he make it snow?! Inside?!?!”

“I told you man-”

“Don’t you dare say it.”

“-Magic.”

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lobsters-on-their-heads · 7 years ago

Text

Welcome to Clone Club Chapt. 4: Cosima’s parents

<i>Cosima inducts her parents into Clone Club.

Link to the entire work here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12073659?view_full_work=true</i>

By choice, Sally and Gene lived as off-the-grid as possible when they were out to sea, which meant no internet and no phone calls except for absolute emergencies, which came in through their emergency cell. They had been out for five weeks this time, keeping in visual contact with a colleague's boat and studying marine habitats off the California and Oregon coasts. The trip had its bittersweet moments, as Gene's health was declining and they weren't sure how many more trips they could take. Sally had emailed Cosima a year ago, telling her about Gene's prostate surgery and how the doctors wanted him to stay closer to land because his blood pressure wasn't great and they worried about his heart. Cosima hadn't responded.

She's probably busy, Sally thought. She remembered her own graduate days – the sleepless nights in the lab, the last minute runs to the copy/print center, the camaraderie with other graduate students and younger professors. Maybe she has a new girlfriend. If she did, Sally hoped she was a good one. She'd lost count of the number of girls Cosima had dated, and those were only the ones Sally knew about. While a part of her applauded her daughter's romantic success, in recent years she had developed an on-going refrain: Just find a nice girl, Cosima. Find a nice girl who makes you happy for more than a couple of months. Someone you can settle down with.

It wasn't even about grandchildren. Sally's sister Margaret had five grandchildren now, and her brother had ten, but Sally had never entertained much hope of having any herself. Cosima was wonderful with children, but Sally suspected her daughter didn't want any of her own. Sally just wanted Cosima to have someone to take care of her, to give her the kind of life-long happiness and support that she and Gene gave each other. She wasn't necessarily worried about her; she just wanted the best for her.

A few weeks after emailing her, she called Cosima's cell phone, only to hear that the number was disconnected. She emailed again, this time sending the message to Cosima's UMN account as well as her personal account. Still, there was no response. This was unusual. Sally and Gene were not always easy to get a hold of, but Cosima usually responded to emails and phone calls within a couple of days. She's just busy, Sally told herself.She was so excited to transfer to Minnesota, she doesn't need her mother bothering her. And then she and Gene were out to sea again, off the grid.

For Thanksgiving, she and Gene went up to Sacramento to visit her sister Margaret's family. All three of Margaret's children were there, with their spouses and children, and all of them asked after Cosima.

“Oh, she's just so busy,” Sally said.

“We invited her to come,” Gene said, “but she never got back to us. I think she must've gotten eaten by the lab up there.” He laughed, but Sally knew he was worried.

Margaret's son Josh frowned. “It's not like her not to reply, though.” He and Cosima were born only a few weeks apart, and often joked that they should have been siblings. Once he could separate himself from the family crowd long enough, he took out his cell phone. Over his shoulder, Sally saw him checking Facebook, and she was about to scold him until he turned to her and showed her the screen. “Did Cosima delete her Facebook?”

“Oh, I don't know. You know we don't do social media.”

“Yeah, but she does. Or she did. She's not listed in my friends anymore, and there are no search results for Cosima Niehaus. I checked a couple mutuals, and she's not listed in their friends, either.”

“Well, you know, a lot of people are getting off Facebook these days. It's not healthy, I think, to be on there too much anyway.”

That night, in their bed at the Best Western near Margaret's house, Sally and Gene stared up at the ceiling. “Don't worry too much about her,” Gene said. “She's young. She's allowed to go wandering once in a while without telling anyone.”

She wondered how much he was trying to convince himself. “She's thirty-two,” she reminded him. “She's not as young as she used to be.”

“Thirty-two is still young. And she's curious. Maybe she found a great project that took her around the world, and she just hasn't gotten the chance to tell us about it, yet? Remember when she went off to Iceland for a semester, and didn't tell us until she came back?”

Of course she remembered. “What if something's happened to her, though?”

“If something really bad had happened, the school would have called us. We're listed as her emergency contacts. No news is.... not necessarily bad news.”

That was in November. In March they'd sent Cosima a birthday card with a check for $200, but the post office returned it. Now it was late July and Sally sat in her favorite cafe in Fisherman's Wharf, sipping a chai latte and eating quiche as she sorted through the hundreds of emails that had accumulated during their voyage. Most were garbage. A few were from past students, asking for recommendations or research help, which she was happy to give. A few more were from colleagues, co-authors, academic journals, and assorted scientists invested in her work. She had just deleted a few dozen emails when she paused, cursor over the little trashcan, when she saw the subject on the next email. Hi Mom. Suddenly wide awake, she opened the message and read it a few times, surprised by the tears pricking her eyes.

Hi Mom,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've been in touch. Things have been pretty crazy here. There's a lot that I want to catch you up on, but I'd rather do it in person. I'm in Latin America right now, on a research trip, but I'll be in Toronto for Christmas. I'd love it if you guys could come up to see me. There's some people I want you to meet, too.

I hope to see you soon.

Love,

Cosima

A research trip in Latin America. Well, that was a thousand times better than all of the horrible scenarios Sally had played in her mind over the past several months to explain Cosima's silence, but it didn't quite match with what she knew of Cosima's PhD studies in evolutionary biology. Or did it?Maybe she's in the Galapagos, she thought, looking at tortoises. Or studying the physiology of remote tribes in the Amazon.

She emailed back immediately, saying that they would love to see her in Toronto for Christmas, and could Cosima please tell them which dates to buy the plane tickets for. Normally they spent Christmas with Gene's family in Orange County, but after not hearing from her daughter for a year and a half, and not seeing her in person for a little longer, Sally Niehaus would happily fly to eastern Canada in December.

* * *

They only got Cosima's new phone number the day before they flew out to see her. For all the months prior, Cosima insisted on communicating by email only, and in those emails she'd said next to nothing about herself or what she was up to these days, except that she was doing well. Sally's questions about what she was doing in Latin America, or Toronto for that matter, went unanswered, but Cosima said she was sorry to hear about Gene's health problems and happy to hear about their recent sea trips. Cosima said she missed them and couldn't wait to see them again. Anything else, Sally supposed, would have to wait.

The trip to Toronto was predictably miserable. The Niehauses were boat people, not plane people, and the changes in air travel since they'd last flown in the 1990s did not improve their feelings towards it. If they were flying for any other reason, Gene would have griped the entire time, and Sally might have found a way out of it, but on the trip, they just looked at each other, squeezed each other's hands, and smiled.

At the airport, they had to contend with hordes of other people traveling for the holidays or winter break, and by the time they'd gotten their luggage and passed through the doors warning that one could not re-enter except through security, they were emotionally cooked.

And then, standing there amongst the people holding signs with names or bouquets of Welcome Home balloons, was Cosima.

She wore her red wool coat she'd had in Minnesota the one time they'd visited her there. She still had dreadlocks, bound up at the crown of her head, and thick-framed glasses, and when she saw her parents she still gave that big toothy smile that Sally would know anywhere. They hugged and Sally kissed her cheek and Cosima took their largest suitcase, and soon they were outside in the frigid Toronto winter. Cosima had a car, a light blue Toyota Yaris, that they piled into and which Cosima did not seem totally comfortable driving.

“It's a rental,” she explained. “We just got back two days ago, and we're only gonna be here for a month or two, so we're just renting whenever we need to, or taking Ubers.”

We. Sally did not miss the plural pronoun, and from the look in Gene's eye, neither did he. Instead of asking about that, though, she asked, “Are you going back to Latin America, then?”

“Um, no, actually. Probably Israel. Maybe Morocco. We haven't decided yet.”

“I see...” She did not see. “What kind of research are you doing, exactly, that takes you all over the world like this? I hope you're getting some kind of funding for it.”

“Oh, yeah, we have a, um, a pretty generous donor. Money's not really an object, thankfully.”

The first question, Sally noticed, went unanswered. Was this going to be a trend, then? Cosima hiding things, avoiding topics, being vague? “What brings you to Toronto, then?” she asked. “Does Minnesota have a program up here?”

“Oh,” Cosima said, “it's not through the university.”

“Who is it through, then?” Irritation threatened at the front of her brain, but she reminded herself to stay calm.

“We, um...” Cosima scratched her head. She was focused on the road, but Sally got the feeling that she wouldn't have made eye contact even if she weren't driving. “We have a nonprofit foundation that handles the finances and administrative aspects.”

“Mmhm.” Sally turned to look at her husband in the back seat. He was frowning, watching Cosima drive.

“You're being awfully vague, Cos,” he said, not unkindly. “Don't think we haven't noticed.”

Cosima navigated her way through a brief construction zone before answering him. “I know,” she said finally. “There's a lot. A lot that I need to tell you guys. I just want to do it face-to-face, okay? Like, when I'm not driving.”

“Okay.”

“Whatever it is,” Sally said, laying her hand on Cosima's shoulder, “I don't want you to be afraid to tell us. We'll always love you, you know that.”

Cosima half-smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. “I know. I love you, too.”

* *

Their hotel was near a residential section of Toronto, near a park that must be beautiful in the summer. Cosima helped them carry their luggage up and waited while they settled into the suite that she had reserved for them. The suite had a couch, coffee table, and arm chair. When Sally emerged from the bedroom, Cosima was staring out the window, fidgeting with one of her rings and frowning.

“Gene'll be out in a minute,” she said, standing beside her daughter. “Is there anything that you don't want him to know just yet?” She kept her voice low, just in case.

“No,” Cosima said. “I want to tell both of you.”

They made some tea in the little pot they found in the kitchenette, then sat around the coffee table in the living area. Cosima was nervous; Sally hadn't seen her this nervous since high school. She reached over and took Cosima's hand and squeezed it. “Why don't you tell us what's going on? You'll feel better after you do.”

After a deep breath, Cosima began. “Do you remember,” she said, “when you got pregnant with me?”

Pregnant? Sally's eyes widened, and she nodded, still holding her daughter's hand. “Of course I do.”

“You got in vitro because you couldn't get pregnant, and you had to try a couple different clinics, or doctors or whatever.”

“That's right.”

“And they talked you through the whole process, about how they combined your cells in the lab and implanted them into you, and that I was just as much yours as if you'd made me naturally.”

“Yes....” If Cosima was trying to tell them that she was pregnant, she was doing it in an awfully round-about way. But maybe that wasn't what she was trying to say at all. She remembered then one of her last conversations with Cosima, before Cosima vanished into the ether and stopped returning calls and emails. Cosima had asked for more information about the clinic her parents had used to conceive her. She'd gotten blood and hair samples from both of them, saying she was going to run a genetic test. Sally squeezed her hand again. “You are ours, sweetie, no matter how... scientific the process of getting you was. You know that better than anyone, I would think, considering your background.”

Cosima looked down at the coffee table and scratched her forehead, then her nose, then her ear. “Yeah, that's kinda what I want to talk about.”

There was another pause. “We've told you everything we can about all that,” Gene said. “We can tell you again, but there's nothing new.”

“I found out something.” Cosima looked back up at them now, her jaw set. “Just before I moved to Minnesota. I found out that, when they said they used your cells to make an embryo, to make me, they lied.” Now she looked directly at her mother. “Whatever they did with your cells, they didn't put them back inside you. They used you as an unknowing donor in an illegal science experiment, and I was the result of that.”

Out of all of the things Sally had expected Cosima to say, that wasn't any close to any of them. “A science experiment?” she repeated.

“Yes.” Cosima took a deep, shuddering breath. “In human cloning.”

In the silence that followed, the heater turned itself on, filling the room with whirrs and clatters, and outside an emergency siren went by. Down the hall someone closed a door and called out to someone else. Cosima's parents just stared at her.

“I know it sounds weird,” Cosima said. “But it's true. I've seen all the evidence, I've run the tests myself, I've met the people who started the experiment and some of the ones who kept it going for years and years and years without making it public. I can prove it to you if you let me.”

Gene shifted on the couch, crossing and uncrossing his arms. “Human cloning? That's not possible. I've never seen any research that backs up that possibility. I mean, organs, maybe, but...”

“I know, and neither had I, because they kept it all under such tight wraps, but it was there. I've seen it.”

“So you're saying that you're a clone?” Sally asked.

“Yes.”

She took another moment to digest that. Whenever she imagined human clones, she pictures some science fiction android-type creatures who looked like lacked everything that made humans, well, human. That, or she imagined that terrible Michael Keaton movie from the 90s.

“And there are... others?” Sally ventured. “Other... clones?”

“Yes. There are 274 of us still living, that we know of. Some of them live here in Toronto; that's why I'm here, actually. We're, uh... doing Christmas together.” She smiled at that, and Sally imagined a room full of Cosimas sitting around a tree, with identical dreadlocks and red coats.

“You'll have to forgive me, sweetie,” Sally said, “but that does seem a little farfetched.”

“I know, I know. It's totally crazy, but it's true.”

“How did you find out about all this?” Gene asked. “If it's some top secret illegal experiment?”

Cosima sat up straight and adjusted her glasses, preparing to launch into a spiel. “Well, one of the clones here in Toronto, Beth Childs, contacted me about two years ago. She'd been contacted by a German woman who thought we might all be clones, so Beth ran a facial-recognition test though the driver's license records in Canada and the US. She found me and another woman living close to Toronto, and she contacted both of us. Once we'd met, it became pretty obvious that we were at least related, and I ran some genetic tests that proved that we were identical.”

That's why she wanted our hair and blood. She never said a word about this, though... “Two years ago? That's when you changed your research focus.”

“Yes. And that's why. I did the scientific work to find out where we all came from, Beth did the detective work, and Alison provided the funds.”

Another silence followed, and Sally looked over to her husband. By the frown on his face, she could tell he wasn't buying it. She remembered the episode of This American Life she'd heard, about people with delusional disorders. “But Cosima,” she said, “you look like me. Everyone says so.”

“I know, but that's... that's just chance. They probably chose you as a donor because you matched the physical profile. Plus, there's all kind of epigenetic and environmental factors that influence how we look and how we perceive each other and ourselves, and social expectations definitely play a role, too. People want me to look like you because I'm your daughter, and they see what they want to see. You see what you want to see.”

Sally leaned forward and looked at Cosima's face. Their eyes and hair were the same color, and her cheeks were rounded in the same way Sally's were. Even when she tried, it was impossible not to see a child that Sally herself had created when she looked at Cosima. She shook her head. “It's too hard to believe. I'm sorry.”

Cosima nodded. Maybe she had expected that response. “I understand. Are you open to some convincing, though?”

“That depends,” Gene said, “what kind of convincing?”

“Well, I'd like for you to meet my sisters.”

Sisters. When Cosima was born, Sally had been in her late thirties, and she'd spent nearly a decade trying to have a child. They'd been over the moon to have Cosima, but could not put themselves through any more stress to try having another child. It had hurt knowing Cosima would never have siblings. “Your sisters,” Sally repeated.

“Yeah, that's what we call each other. We're genetic identicals, so it fits, and we've gotten pretty close over the past two years.”

“All 274 of you?” Gene asked.

“Oh, no, just the ones who live close by. I mean, we're all sisters, but I was referring to just a few.”

They leaned back and thought about it. Looking at her daughter's face, Sally was reminded of when Cosima came out of the closet, aged fourteen, and so desperately wanted her parents to support her. They had, of course; there had been no surprise in her coming out. Sally leaned over and again took the hands of her daughter, now aged thirty-two, and repeated what she'd told her then. “No matter what, you are still our daughter, and we love you more than anything in this world.”

That afternoon, Cosima drove them several blocks east, into an old neighborhood of brick duplexes shaded by oak trees. The contrast in Cosima's demeanor between now and earlier in the day was striking. Where she had been stiff and withdrawn before, now she was relaxed and chatty. “Normally we'd be at Alison's house,” she said. “But they had a pipe burst a couple days ago, so we're celebrating at Sarah's house instead. It's actually a lot more convenient. Well, for us anyways.”

Cosima parked behind red minivan and they all got out. As they approached the house, they heard music playing and people talking, and suddenly Sally was nervous. “It's okay,” Cosima said. “You'll like everybody.”

The woman who answered the door was not Cosima's look-alike, and yet she was. Her face was shaped the same as Cosima's, but her expression was different. Her eyes had the wide-eyed wonder of a child, underneath a mass of curly blonde hair. “Hello Doctor and Doctor Niehaus,” she said. “Welcome to Christmas.” She stood aside to let them all in.

Cosima put her hand on the woman's shoulder and introduced her. “Mom, Dad, this is my sister Helena.”

Sally and Gene shook her hand and allowed her to take their coats. Cosima was beaming, like Helena proved the clone theory. Sally did not tell her that, based on appearance, Helena was probably just her regular sister at best, taken from a separate embryo created during their IVF process and given to another mother, but not her clone. They were ushered into the living room, where two more Cosima-ish women waited. There was Alison, with purple streaked hair and a fleece jacket Cosima would never be caught dead in, and Sarah, who admittedly did look quite a bit like Cosima.

“Well, it's very nice to meet you all,” Sally managed. Gene nodded and muttered something that might've been agreement.

In a little playpen were two baby boys playing with stuffed animals, and Sally skirted the awkward meeting by going over to them while Gene complimented the Christmas tree. Outside, there seemed to be more children playing in the back yard. Behind her, one of them women said, “Cosima, your parents are handling this so well. You remember what my mother said, don't you?”

“No, actually. What did she say?”

“Well, first she didn't believe you're my clone. She still says we're half-sisters. Then she said you were mulatto.”

Cosima laughed at that, and Sally felt her face burn.

A door in the kitchen opened up to the backyard and an elementary-aged girl stepped inside just long enough to see Cosima and her parents. Then she turned back and yelled, “They're here!” Soon the population density of the house doubled, with four children, three men, and a tall blonde woman who definitely wasn't one of Cosima's clones. They were all flushed and bundled from playing outside, and for a moment chaos reigned as children were told to take off boots, hats, and coats, where to put them, and everyone figured out where to put themselves without being in the way. Sally was trying to figure out which children belonged to which adults when one of the girls unwrapped her scarf, removed her hat, and Sally almost had to sit down. Standing in this stranger's kitchen was Cosima, twenty years earlier. She even had pigtails.

“Yeah,” Cosima said, seeing her mother's face. “That's Charlotte. She's the youngest one of us.”

“She looks just like you. I mean, exactly like you.” She reached out to touch the girl, but caught herself in time. This child was not Cosima, but she could definitely be Cosima's clone.

More introductions followed, and relationships were clarified. Oscar and Gemma, and their father Donnie, went with Alison. The babies went with Helena. The bubbly little girl with curly hair was Kira, Sarah's daughter. There was Sarah's brother Felix and his boyfriend Colin.

“And this is Delphine,” Cosima said last, “my fiancée.”

Before Gene or Sally to react to that, Alison spun around. “What?!” she shouted. “What, when... were you planning on telling us?”

Delphine smiled at Cosima and draped an arm around her shoulders. “Well, we wanted to tell you the other day.”

“But you had enough drama of your own,” Cosima finished. She was still watching her parents, holding her breath.

Sally approached her first, smiling broadly. “Well, Delphine, it's lovely to meet you. Finally, it seems.”

“Yes,” Gene chimed in, shaking her hand. “I would say welcome to the family, but that seems to be the other way around at the moment.”

Over a light dinner of sandwiches, Sally and Gene found themselves the center of attention. Charlotte and Kira wanted to know about their life at sea, Sarah wanted to hear about life in California, and everyone wanted to hear about Cosima as a child.

"It must be difficult," Alison said at one point, "to learn that she's not the child you thought she was."

It was a blunt was to put it, and a couple people raised their eyebrows at her. Next to Gene, Cosima looked at both of her parents, the anxiety creeping back into her face. Gene draped his arm over her shoulders, like he used to do when they sat on the couch together, looking at books. "It's unexpected," he said. "It'll take some time to wrap our heads around it."

"I think I would be angry," Alison went on. "I mean, I was angry when I found out that I was a clone. But in your position, I think I would be just..." She shook her head and drank some more wine, left speechless by the prospect.

Sally leaned around Gene to pat her daughter's back. "I'm not angry. I could be angry that they never told us. I mean, there could've been genetic issues that we wouldn't have known about, and genetic issues that we worried about without reason. But I'm not angry." She directed her next sentence to Cosima. "They gave us you."

All three of them had tears in their eyes. The larger family around the table gave them a moment before Felix scooted his chair back. "Well, that's about as much sap as I can handle in such a short time span. Anyone else want some of those Mexican chocolates this wonder child brought back for us?"

* *

After midnight, Cosima and Delphine sat wrapped in a comforter on Sarah's back porch, clutching hot mugs of cocoa with peppermint schnapps added. Cosima's parents were back in their hotel, and they had plans to get lunch, just the four of them, the next day, Christmas Eve. The Hendrixes had gone, the girls were in bed upstairs, Helena was taking care of the babies in the living room, and the back porch was the only place they could have any privacy.

“Well, I think that went well,” Cosima said.

Delphine tucked her hand between Cosima's thighs. “Yes, I think so.”

“They totally didn't believe me at first. Even after they met Sarah and Helena and Alison, it didn't really click with them. Not until they saw Charlotte.”

“It does make more compelling evidence. It will be strange when I finally see pictures of you a child, though.”

Cosima cocked her head. “You've never seen pictures of me as a kid?”

“No. I probably could have when I was at Dyad, but I never did.”

“Huh.” She drank some more schnapps cocoa and snuggled closer to Delphine. “Alison about shit herself when I called you my fiancée, did you see that?”

Delphine giggled. “Yes. I wasn't sure you would tell everyone like that, actually. She was more angry at Sarah, though, than at you.”

“Yeah, well, Sarah was just keeping her promise to let me tell everyone myself. She keeps her mouth shut when she needs to.”

“Certainly.”

They sat together in comfortable silence, listening to the breeze rustle the few remaining dead leaves on the trees and distant traffic going by. Cosima loved being with her sisters and her parents, but nothing was as good as being alone with Delphine. She toyed with her engagement ring. “Do you want me to change my name?” she asked Delphine.

“No? Why would I?”

“You know, when we get married. I could take your last name if you wanted me to.”

Laughter seasoned Delphine's words when she replied. “Do you want to have my last name?”

“I mean, I'd much rather have you, but I figured I'd put it out there.”

Delphine shook her head. “I want you to keep your name. Names are powerful, you know. They're a tremendous part of who we are.” After a pause, she asked, “Do you want me to change my name?”

“Nope. Then I couldn't call you Dr. Cormier anymore. Besides, there's already two doctor Niehauses, and if I finish my dissertaion, there will be one more. We don't really need a fourth one.”

#orphan black fanfiction #post-canon #welcome to clone club #cosima niehaus

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2fiskekaker · 7 years ago

Text

Why Skam means a lot to me

Skam is over. It has been a journey, an adventure. This is one of the most ambivalent feelings I have experienced in my years on this planet. I’m so thankful for everything. I’m so thankful that I discovered Skam 10 months ago and got to experience all these things. However, I’m also incredibly sad and it leaves a terrible void in my heart knowing that the last clip ever now has been released.

It sounds weird but the release of season 3 is already an incredibly nostalgic feeling to me. Back then what feels like a hundred years ago, I didn’t know what this series would do to me, would mean to me. For the course of season 3, I dedicated my life to the show. All week I would spend an unhealthy amount of time doing Skam related stuff on the internet. By the end of the week, I would re-watch the clips in the full episode in an almost religious way. I would turn off my phone, dim all lights except a couple of candles and then watch the episode on the big screen with all my focus.

Because of this I almost got annoyed by how my friends watched the show. They would watch an episode in the middle of being on their phone, while eating, doing other stuff, or right before going to work etc. This was so far from how I watched the show myself. I needed several hours afterwards to process and discuss the episode online. I think that this is related to how I felt (feel) deeply connected to Isak. I felt like I was Isak and that I could acquaint with his problems on a deeper level. So when my friends watched the show in a more superficial and entertaining manner (which is probably perfectly normal) I would get annoyed because I felt like it was my life and my problems. And by that, it felt like they didn’t care about my life or my problems, which probably isn’t true. I felt like everything was directed at me. I took it personally.

Days went by with endless updates of the website hoping for an update. I used hours discussing and reading discussions in the Danish fan group “Kosegruppa DK”. I read analyses, theories, recaps, articles. I watched the news in Norwegian, I watched other tv shows from Norway. The real-time aspect made it real for me. I had to live Isak’s life as well as my own. I have felt hopeless, happy, relieved, hurt, angry, sad, in love. I had never been this paralysed by a tv-show before. A tv-show which paused my real life. Some people would probably suggest that I needed help when I say that nothing, nothing in my own life was more important to me than Skam was in the autumn of 2016. I spent time learning Norwegian, despite it being mutually intelligible with Danish, my native language. I listened to Norwegian radio, to train my understanding of spoken Norwegian. I read random news articles out loud to train speaking Norwegian. I borrowed a 600-page book about Norway and Denmark’s common past in history. I even looked up how to move to Norway and the requirements to obtain citizenship for citizens from the other Scandinavian countries.

That is, I have been planning and living a life that wasn’t my own. Skam has made me realise a lot of things and has made me learn a lot about other people. I don’t think that any tv-show ever will be able to make me philosophise and think about my own life, and what is wrong about it, in the same way Skam has. This is, of course, being emphasised when I see the characters’ relationships. I know that I never will experience that type of love you do when you are a teenager. Time has simply gone by. I know that I won’t experience the freedom and unity of living with my friends in a commune. Both because of being too old, but also because I’m not even entirely sure that I have any friends that would want to do it with me. I know that I won’t experience having been growing up in a capital city with everything that comes with it. And lastly, I know that I won’t ever get a life where school is just a side-issue and the friends, drama, parties, and problems are the main focus. These are things that remind me of how my own life is and why I would rather have another, why I want to escape sometimes.

Of course, it’s not healthy to live in a parallel universe but Skam has relieved some of the pain of living, in a way that no other thing ever has, whatsoever. And when you get updates every single day during the season, then it’s just even easier to live through someone else. I feel like I probably wasn’t suitable to watch Skam in real-time, especially in season three, because of the fact that I invested myself so deeply. I adopted the show and integrated it in my own life in a way that made me mentally exhausted. The thing is that Skam’s realtime concept mimics the same brain functions that are responsible for the development of mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression occurs when the individual speculates for several hours each day for months. It’s not the negative thoughts themselves that create depression. It’s all the hours of handling and speculating about them that does. And this is exactly what the realtime experience of Skam recreated. Each day you spend hours thinking about the characters, discussing them online, reading about them, thinking about them etc. I spent at least 6 hours a day thinking about Skam which evidently made my mood drop, because all that thinking made me hate my own life.

But now it’s over. And as much as I adore all of the seasons, I will particularly miss Isak. I’m already tearing up just by the thought of having to let you go. When I realise you aren’t even real it causes me to shed actual tears. You feel so real and the boundaries of what is real and what is not have partially been erased. I believed every word you spoke, every face expressed, every feeling felt. I have laughed at every joke cracked and cried whenever things were too much. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to something important, something with great meaning, something real. It has been one hell of a ride and I’m beyond thankful for getting to follow you on this amazing journey. You have gone from a young insecure boy with incipient feelings that you didn’t know how to express and a difficult situation at home that you didn’t know how to handle, to a strong, clever, and brave young man that is capable of facing challenges as well as loving and be loved. You went from backstabbing your friends out of desperation and despair to someone who is there and stands up for their friends. We have had the delicate honour of following you through some of the most important moments of your life. The moments where you realised who you are. When you dared to be you and dared to be loved. When Even saved you and you saved him back. And all of this has been the most beautiful story ever told. Season three provoked feelings that I never thought I was capable of feeling from a TV show. It was a magical period of time now stored safely in the lands of nostalgia. You have meant more to me than most actual human beings in the real world do. I’m certain that there are next to no other fictional 18-year-old boys who has meant this much to the world. You will always have a special place in my heart and live on there for many years to come. I will love you. As a little brother. As a good friend. As someone I used to be. As who I am. Thank you Isak, you are absolutely beautiful. And thank you Julie Andem for creating an alternative and better world. Thank you for creating a world that I have been able to live in for the past 10 months and escape to when the real world became a little too much. The autumn of 2016 will forever be nostalgic and a sad yet happy memory of something incredible.

The endings of season 3 and 4 respectively are masterpieces. For some reason, I didn’t have the highest expectations to the ending of season three, but the final week was beautiful and beyond satisfying. Isak and Even were together and were pretty public about it already back then. Sonja and Emma had accepted how things were. As this was before season four I also took note of the fact that Sana gave Isak a Christmas present. This was such a good parallel to the first couple of episodes in season three and showed what kind of friendship they had developed and symbolically the friendship between religions. Magnus and Vilde hooked up which we had been rooting for and provided some nice comic relief. If you think back, the whole of season three was unique in how little all of the other characters were involved. For the same reason, it was such a weird yet welcome feeling to finally see the girl group united again. This also applies to the end. The conversation between Isak and Eva. This might be one of my favourite things. I personally had hoped for just this to happen and when I saw Eva sit down next to Isak I screamed. Remember how we hadn’t seen Eva for so long at that time. This scene just made a complete circle of Isak and Eva’s friendship to me and was so important and beautiful. It completed Isak’s transformation. That’s why I was glad that Eva got to accompany Isak in finishing his season, even though many argued that it should be Even. But the vulnerable and beautiful parallel to season one was just too important. And last but now least we got the words “Alt er love” that reminded us how Isak and Even got each other in the end. When you look back this doesn’t seem like a big deal, but we have to remember how many of us were dissolved from the angst and we needed this as a reassurance that everything was going to be okay. This is why I love the ending of season three. It is happy, but not excessively happy in the Hollywood way. No loose ends.

The ending of season four is for what it is, brilliantly solved by Julie Andem. I’m incredibly thankful for getting all these tiny little clips from all the other characters. It is, of course, bittersweet because we all wanted to see most of them in their own seasons. But sometimes you just have to stop while the going is good. I was devastated when I watched Vilde’s clip. The things she has to do with the finances, the medicine and so on is beyond what anyone should have to do while growing up and it tears my heart out. Not least when I think about what a beautiful season this could have become. Chris(tina)’s clip also surprised me. The comic relief was to be expected however this also showed us another side of her. The serious side of not feeling good enough around your friends, but also pressure around money. If we fast forward to the very final clip, I immediately started crying when Chris reached out to Vilde which I didn’t expect. Back to the week, I loved Even’s clip as well for obvious reasons. His story could be told so beautifully. We finally got to see that “everything isn’t always love” in the form of slurs which I think is important. “Kjære Sana”. This clip was just the essence of Skam. I think it was evident that nobody had the point of view, which really emphasised that the ending was near. My emotions already messed with my tear ducts when I saw the Oslo cinematography and the beautiful soundtrack. I love that Julie Andem included meta comments about Even working at kaffebrenneriet, she included stuff from a fan fiction, she included comments from different fan groups. William was smiling, Isak and Even were cute and looked like husbands, Sana looked gorgeous, there was soundtrack from season one, Eva and Jonas might end up together and the clip was released at the IRL time of sunset in Oslo. The fact that Jonas ended Skam, just pleases my brain in all ways imaginable. The circle is ultimately completed. He began Skam with a speech and ended it with one as well. As he spoke we switched to see a screen being filmed. We switched to our point of view. It was just so beautiful and his voice is perfect for emphasising the main points about how everything is not always what it seems. People and things change. Sometimes you have to feel what is right for you. People fight battles you know nothing about. Life is now. But what is most important is love.

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peace-coast-island · 7 years ago

Text

ChoicesCreates: Mother

Title: Mizpah (The Royal Romance) Summary: Mizpah - the deep emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance or death. MC Enid Zuberi's entries to Sera about her mother, companion piece to last week’s prompt Quaintrelle.

@punexpectedly @hollyashton

Last night I said goodbye to Mom. It happened peacefully, a deep slumber just like yours. I held her hand the entire time until she took her last breath.

And once again I’m left behind.

I’m doing my best. I’ll get through this, just like I did with you, Dad, Grandma, and all the others who are gone. But I won’t lie, it’s going to be difficult.

For now I’ll mourn and then I’ll pick up the pieces and live, for us. I’m sure you gave Mom a warm welcome when she came. There better be a party when I join you guys in the far future!

Until then, I’ll do my best to get through the day.

Dear Mom, I love you and I miss you. Tell Dad and Sera that I said “Hi.”

Today was Mom’s funeral. Ollie and I arranged a bouquet of flowers from her garden to put beside her grave. We also scattered some loose petals around and watched them dance in the cool breeze. At that moment it felt like she was there beside us. It was a beautiful sight.

Later Ollie and I went through a bunch of old albums and got lost in our memories. Mom didn’t believe it but I always thought she was made for the camera. Even if it was a candid moment, she always looked beautiful, like she belonged at that moment in time.

Now that I realize it, the two of you always had a lot in common. Both of you are old carefree souls, living in the moment, leaving behind bittersweet memories for others to cherish. A flower blown away by the wind, a life fleeting and far too short.

While going through the albums, I found a box of pictures from a few years ago. I think Mom was planning to buy another album to put them in but she never had the time. Funny how all the old pictures felt like they happened just yesterday while the more recent ones feel like a distant memory.

There was one picture that stuck out to me. It was you, me, Ollie, and Mom at your grandmother’s summer house where we used to visit every year in July. We all looked so happy in that picture, taken on the night of the annual Seaside Dance. That was also the last time the four of us came up there.

I wonder how are the sunflowers Mom planted last year are doing right now. Remember how enthusiastic she was about planting them in the garden? Every summer the garden looked a lot more vibrant and colorful when she planted her flowers there. It makes me sad to think about how empty the garden will be without her additions.

Maybe one day when we’re ready, Ollie will go back up there and help tend to the garden. Mom was looking forward to planting her tulips this summer, they would’ve looked nice. I haven’t gotten the chance to see her sunflowers but i can imagine the flowers will complement them nicely. Hopefully they’ll still be there next year.

Maybe I’ll drop by for a visit over the summer. I don’t think I can stay for the whole month but it’ll be nice to spend a few days there. You know what, I think I will do that.

It’s nice to have something to look forward to, even for something as small as a little trip in the summer. At least it’ll help me pull through the holidays, which are going to be extra lonely but don’t worry, we’ll manage.

Ollie and I got through the holidays. We didn’t do much, mainly because on Christmas Eve there was a small blizzard so I was snowed in at his house. We just sat by the fire, played a few games, roasted some marshmallows and fell asleep while watching a movie.

I still can’t get used to this emptiness that’s left behind. While Ollie and I had a great time we couldn’t help but feel so alone. It was definitely bittersweet, if that makes sense. At times like this I’m grateful for Ollie because as much as I need him for support, he needs someone to hold him up as well.

In fact, I feel like he’s got it worse than me. The two of you loved each other and I think you guys would’ve made a cute couple. When you died, he buried a piece of his heart with you. I still remember how much it broke your heart when you told him to go back to school while you were in the hospital. And how he kissed your hand for the last time while you held on before letting go.

Then we lost Mom, our anchor, our guide and now we’re more lost than ever. At least Ollie has a bright future ahead with law school and a guaranteed spot in his family’s law firm while I’m still working my way up. She was always there for us, the one who walked me through life, who took care of you after your parents died, who was there for Ollie when his parents weren’t, she’s the one who brought us together. And now she’s gone. But I know she’s watching over me and Ollie, just like you are.

In a few minutes it’ll be the start of the new year. Ollie and I got our confetti cannons ready. Still bittersweet, but more on the sweet side. Although we’re sad now, I have a good feeling that things are gonna be better this year. The shooting star we saw and wished on earlier is definitely a sign.

Happy New Year, Sera, Mom, and everyone else watching from above.

Sundays were always Mom’s favorite day of the week. On days like this, I can see why.

I came by today to put some fresh flowers on her grave. Since it’s Mother’s Day I also left some marigolds, her favorite. Ollie and I are doing our best to keep her garden blooming and I have to say we’re doing a pretty good job.

Today the marigolds are looking brighter and fuller than ever. I love the pop of bright color they add to the dark green grass. After almost a week of rain, it’s nice to finally see the sun again.

Along with the flowers I wrote a card for Mom. I hope you enjoy it, I also attached a marigold and her favorite hair pin with the cherry blossoms on it.

Dear Mom,

It’s a beautiful day to say thanks and I love you. How are you doing? are you enjoying this calm sunny day? The flowers are blooming bright, the birds are singing, and the sky’s a beautiful blue with soft clouds surrounding the sun. You always loved days like this.

Life hasn’t been the same without you and to be honest, I’m still having a hard time adjusting. But I’m still gonna get out of bed, greet the day, and keep on living. Some days are better than others but I will get through it, just like you did when Dad was gone. I always admired your strength through hard times and you taught me a lot. So now it’s time for me to be strong and put what you taught me to good use.

From bringing me to this earth to helping me take my first steps, walking me to school, cheering at my high school graduation, helping me move in my dorm, crying tears of joy at my college graduation, being there for me when I needed someone to hold me, you were always a part of my life. And for that I thank you because you were the one who made me who I am.

I’m sad that you’re not here beside me but I know you’ll always be watching from above. Like you told me: “It’s time for us to spread our wings and fly. Where I’m going, you can’t follow, but don’t worry, I may not be able to hold your hand but I know that you can make your own path. And when we meet again, I’ll have my arms wide open for you to fall in.”

Until then, I will send you a kiss to the heavens and spread my wings.

Love, Enid Athena Zuberi

#ChoicesCreates #playchoices #choices #the royal romance #headcanon ramble #Enid Zuberi #death mention tw #so if anyone reads my tags i mentioned that i had a few more ideas for quaintrelle that didn't make it #like some more mention of enid's mother #so i decided to do the prompt based on that unused idea which works since her mother was mentioned before #so it's sort of a sequel/follow up to the last piece just focusing on her mother and after her death #so this took a few days to work on mainly because i was sick and still recovering but feeling better and was able o get this done

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katdvs · 8 years ago

Photo

Lucas Friar moved back to Texas at 17, now he’s running for Mayor of Rosewood Springs so best friend Zay and little sister Gigi decide he needs a little help from a political consultant.

Riley Matthews found her calling, she found a fiancé, but she never expected to find herself here, of all places.

Cross-posted to FF.net | Soundtrack

-the moon that moves your tides- | -basics of you and me- | -rather hurt than feel nothing at all- | -taste of love oh bittersweet- | -time to face my weakness-

Author Note: I just wanted to say thank you guys for checking this story out. I promise to answer all questions that I can.

-you do what you do-

The drive into town was silent, neither wanted to say anything. Neither knew what they could say.

Lucas turned the radio on, There’s no place like you, no place like you. He felt the tension form in his body but before he could turn it off Riley hit the power button.

“So, what do you need to do in town this morning?”

“I have to pick up Gigi’s birthday present at Harrisons, and you know pick some stuff up at the market.”

“She’ll be nineteen next week huh, I can’t believe she’s that old.”

“Neither can I.” Lucas glanced to Riley, trying to ignore how natural it felt to have her in the passenger seat of his truck, “Sometimes it seems like just yesterday we were taking her and Auggie for picnics in the park.”

“That was a long time ago, we were different people then.” Riley let her eyes fall on him, studying the comfort he had behind the wheel, as she shifted the gears, “We were young and in what we thought was love.”

He almost slammed on the breaks, did she really say that? What they’d had was love, at least at the time, at least for him. “Something like that.”

Riley couldn’t help but wonder if she’d gotten under his skin with that one, “I mean it’s not like I was going down on you, that’s real love isn’t it Lucas?”

“No that’s sex, and it feels great. But what do you know about great sex Riley? Have you ever been with a man that makes you tremble, a man who makes you wet just the way he looks at you.” He looked her over, eyes searing as they fell upon the rise and fall of her breasts.

“I’ve had great sex Lucas, I’m not some cold fish. Also, I at least know the names of everyone who’s been inside of me, every set of lips that have been on me. You can’t say the same, can you?”

His hands gripped the steering wheel, as he pulled into town. He didn’t want to think about any other man touching Riley. All he could think about were how his lips should be on hers, wondering how she would respond to his touch, wondering if he could turn her on with just one look.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I keep saying the things I’m saying.” Riley couldn’t help but see the pain lining his face, “It’s like my filter has vanished, maybe I’ve been in politics too long.”

“Or I just push your buttons.” He pulled up in front of Harrisons, “Or you’re jealous.”

“Oh, yes Lucas, I’m jealous of all the women you’ve gotten on their knees to get you off.” She rolled her eyes, “If that’s what makes you happy great, but if you want to be mayor, or have any future in politics it’s done.”

“Fine, I don’t need it.” He tried to ignore the golden flecks in her eyes that he was sure were lighting up as they poked each other with their words. He held back the words threatening to take over, he took every ounce of strength he had to hold back from pulling her to him, kissing her, showing her what he could make her feel.

Riley undid her seatbelt, feeling the heat, the tension building in the cab of the truck, “Well good then.”

“Let’s get into Harrisons and you can find out what’s up with your ring.” He watched her slide out of the truck, he bit his lip when he saw the back of her shirt ride up just a little exposing her back.

“You coming?” Riley turned to him blushing.

“Just a second.” He grabbed his keys, taking a deep breath before getting out of the truck and walking into Harrisons.

Camilla Harrison was dusting the display cases when she heard the bell over the door come to life. She moved behind the counter smile, “Well Dr. Friar, I bet you’re here to pick up that pair of earrings you ordered for sweet little Gigi.”

“I sure am Camilla, but first my um, Riley here needs your help.” He gestured to her while she’d gotten lost looking at the artwork on the wall of the handmade statement pieces.

Camilla raised an eyebrow, she knew the name, she remembered when Lucas had only been back a few months, coming in to purchase a very nice platinum engagement ring. “It’s nice to meet you Riley, what can we do for you today?”

Riley came over to the counter, removing the ring from her purse, “I um recently received this ring, and I um have a Nickle allergy, it seems the protective coating on it wore away.”

One look was all it took Camilla to know what the issue was, “Well dear, this ring never had a protective coating. This is the kind of trinket you get at Wal-Mart or Claire’s, the sort of thing you wear once or twice and then drop at the bottom of a coffee tin to forget all about until your kid finds it and thinks it’s real.”

“I was told it came from Tiffany’s, it was even in the blue box.” Riley couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

Camilla gave her a smile, “I’ll be right back.”

“She’s the best in the state, she can spot a fake from miles away.” Lucas leaned casually against the counter, feeling a strong urge to punch Dave if he ever saw him for having the gall to give Riley a ring she was not only allergic to, but also a complete fake—to allow her to believe it was real. What kind of man would do that? One not worth of Riley that was for sure.

Riley paced around, “I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding, I mean he knows about my allergy.”

“I’m sure Corn Chip Dave meant well.” Lucas watched as Riley stood in front of the display of engagement rings, “Though, the style, not what I would expect for you, far too flashy.”

Riley raised her eyebrow as she glanced to him, “Oh really, like you ever thought about me and engagement rings, save it Friar.”

He put his hands up to surrender, knowing he couldn’t tell her the truth, “One of those speaking to you?”

“If I had picked the ring, it’s not what I would’ve picked for myself. It was lovely, but, actually, I would pick something more like this one.”

Lucas watched as she pointed to the one that was identical to the one sitting in the back of his sock drawer. “That’s a nice one, hopefully Dave finds something like that to replace this cheap thing.”

“Were you always this much of a brute when we were younger or is this a new thing?” She looked up, catching a softness in his eyes.

“Well you know, people change people.” He smirked as Camilla came out with a few times.

“Well let’s see what we’re dealing with.” She took out her loupe and studied the stone, shaking her head sadly, “It’s glass, I’m sorry.”

“So, this ring itself is what?”

Camilla took a solution and tested it, “Nickle, again I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” Riley accepted the ring back and slipped it into her purse. Her mind trying to figure out how she ended up with a trinket for an engagement ring, and what I meant for her and Dave.

“Now Lucas, these earrings are gorgeous, Gigi is going to love them. You are a sweet big brother to even think of getting them for her.” Camilla placed a box on top of the counter.

Lucas picked up, snapping it open to study the Ruby earrings with a platinum setting around them, “What do you think Ri, think Gigi will like them.”

Riley took the box and smiled, “These are perfect, meaningful, classic and modern at the same time. She is going to love them.”

“Thank you, she’s been pinning stuff like this on Pinterest for months.” Lucas took the box and snapped it closed, “Camilla they look amazing, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She cleaned up the testing supplies and looked to him, “What did you ever do with that ring you bought years ago?”

“You bought a ring?” Riley was shocked, who could it have been for?

“Camilla is getting me confused with some silly school boy.” He gave a pleading look to drop it, “I’m pretty much a confirmed bachelor.”

“Yeah Lucas would never propose to anyone, that’s not his style.” Riley hated the bitterness of her words.

Camilla clucked, “Oh, he will, to the right woman, and only to the right woman. How long will you be around Riley?”

“Probably not long at all.” Riley realized she had to get out of Texas as quickly as possible, the last thing she needed was to find out about the woman Lucas had loved enough to buy a ring for. “I’m just kind of dropping in before I go back to New York.”

“That’s a shame.” Camilla handed Lucas a bill which he signed, “We’ve got the big Fourth of July dance in a few days, always a good time.”

Lucas sighed, “Thank you Camilla, I’ll see you soon I’m sure.”

Riley moved with him out to the street, “So, who was the girl you were going to propose to?”

“Camilla is getting me confused with someone else.” Lucas lied, “You’re the only girlfriend I’ve ever actually had.” He leaned in close to her, so close he could breathe in her body wash and spray scent, “All I’ve had are skanks on their knees remember?”

“You’re right, you would never propose to a woman, and if you did, you would probably stand her up at the chapel.”

Lucas was crushed by her harsh tone. She really thought that about him, but why? “Come on, we’ve got to get groceries, when we get back to the house you can scrub my social media clean, and yell at me some more if you want. I’m starting to think you like yelling at me.”

“I don’t like yelling at anyone.” She told him as they got in the truck, but he was right she kind of did enjoy yelling at him, releasing so many years of anger, jealousy she’d carried.

“Whatever you say Princess.” Lucas smirked, watching the way her cheeks turned pink when he used the old nick name.

Zay and Gigi were gone when Lucas and Riley arrived back with the groceries, a note left behind saying they’d gone to do an inventory at the bar, prepare for the busy Saturday night but would be home before they had to work for the night.

He and Riley hadn’t really spoken, except over what foods to buy. He noticed she snapped a few pictures of him on her phone, be he didn’t ask why. Part of him hoped it was because she wanted to have a snapshot of him, the real him, but he realized it was most likely for the campaign.

She was confusing him, at some moments she seemed more than happy to help him, to be here, but other moments he could only describe as fiery, she was ready to pack her bags and get out of dodge, or in this case Rosewood Springs as soon as possible.

He didn’t want her to leave.

He didn’t want her to go back to New York and marry Dave.

Fucking Corn Chip Dave of all people.

She belonged here, with him. He could see it.

The way she easily moved around the kitchen, the way she sipped her coffee, the way the sun hit her hair.

“Lucas you’ve got to organize these cabinets, you have so many duplicates of stuff, and it’s all over the place.”

“I know” He smiled softly, “I keep putting it off, I don’t even know a quarter of what’s in these cabinets. I mean there’s stuff from my college days, stuff from my parents before they moved out of the country, Pappy Joe and Mama Betty, and who knows who else has passed stuff on in these cabinets.”

“It would be a great project when you can’t sleep or need to clear your head or something.” Riley suggested as she put the canned goods away.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He grabbed a few bottles from a cabinet and some spices, “So how did you and Dave become a you and Dave?”

Riley paused, she hadn’t anticipated he would ask. “Oh um, well my offices are in the same building as the law firm he works for. Um, I was in the city working on a local election, so I was in the office, which is rare. Really Smackle runs it, crunches the numbers, all the fun stuff. I handle the more personal aspects.”

“Like making sure no skanks appear on my social media.”

“Exactly, and making sure you dress appropriately, and you present yourself the way the voters need to see you.”

“Is that why you were taking pictures of me in the grocery store?”

Riley bit her lip, “You caught that huh?”

“Yeah, I did.” He grabbed a bowl and started to pour his items in, “So you were in New York?”

“Yeah, I was in New York, and every day I would get lunch at this hot dog cart outside the building. You know my weakness for them.” She sighed.

“Because your Mom wouldn’t let you eat them.” He smiled and opened a cabinet revealing it was full of baking mixes for cakes.

Riley grinned, “I could only imagine what Ivy would say if she saw this.” She took out a box of double chocolate mix, “She would probably lecture you about all the sugar in it.”

“She would and then I would say, Well Mama I’m thirty-one years old, if I want to eat some double chocolate cake, I will. I work hard, I’m not laying around doing nothing so I’m going to enjoy a sweet.”

He was close to her, too close as Riley backed away, “So anyway, I was at the hot dog cart one day and I just collided into him. We started chatting, he invited me to go for drinks, and next it was dinner, before I knew it we were dating.”

Lucas grabbed a whisk and stirred the contents of his bowl together, “So, um, do you guys live together?”

“Actually” she put the cake mix down, “I technically still live with my parents. I travel a lot, so instead of waste money on renting an apartment I’m never in I consider that my home base. I mean when I graduated from college I lived with my Uncle Eric while I worked for him in D.C., and then when I moved back to New York, Smackle and I were starting our business so money was tight.”

“I get it, I mean let’s be fair I’m living on my family’s ranch.” He put the whisk in the sink and grabbed the package of chicken he’d left out before opening and tossing the breasts into the mixture. “I mean I’ve got my best friend and younger sister as roommates.”

“I’m really not in New York often.” She confessed as she started gathering the ingredients for the cake not even thinking about what she was doing.

“How do you and Dave do the long-distance thing, like handle it I mean?” He put a cover on the bowl before he shook it coating the meat in his marinade.

“We visit when we can if I’m gone for a while.” Riley started mixing the cake batter together, “Um I was in California when he proposed, on the beach, at sunset.”

“With a cheap ring.” Lucas couldn’t hide the smirk if he wanted to.

“I’m sure he has a reason for it.” Riley defended, though she wasn’t sure what that reason could be.

Lucas put the chicken in the fridge and grabbed a cake pan and the Crisco, “It better be a good reason like he got ripped off somewhere and didn’t realize he was giving you something that would make you sick.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Riley watched as he greased the cake pan and then set the oven to preheat. “So, who was the girl you bought a ring for?”

“I told you, I never bought a ring.” Lucas felt his lower lip quiver, how was any of this fair, she was here in his home, asking questions he didn’t want to answer.

“She broke your heart didn’t she, let me guess some girl you fell for when you got back to Texas, some blonde, blue eyed girl, who treated you like some sort of rock star since you had that big city sophistication, right? You thought this was it, she’s the one, but she turned you down, and you haven’t opened up since to anyone.” She was afraid to look at him, afraid she might give something away.

“Nope, no blonde girl with blue eyes ever made my heart go clip-pity-clop. I did get treated like a rock star by the girls when I got back though. It was annoying at first, they wouldn’t leave me alone, it was like I was some prize they had to win.” He stopped for a moment and looked to Riley, “In fact, I kind of think the women in this town, hell the county still see me as that. It doesn’t help that Gigi keeps submitting me to be Bachelor of the Year.”

“Three years in a row.” Riley finished mixing the batter before pouring it into the cake pan, “If you get me those social media passwords I’ll see what I need to delete for you.”

Lucas handed her his phone, “Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, all here.”

Riley held the phone in her hand, “Thanks, how active are you on social media?”

“Not as active as I was in high school, probably as active as Zay.”

“Okay then, um, I’ll bring this back when I’m done.

Lucas watched as she left the kitchen, he couldn’t help but let their conversation replay, why was she so damn sure he’d fallen for someone when he moved back to Texas? Why was she so sure it was a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes?

#Thunder Chasing The Wind #Riley Matthews #Lucas Friar #Rucas #Rucas Fanfic #Girl Meets World #GMW Fanfic

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talhaghafoor2019-blog · 6 years ago

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Drake, Ariana Grande, Cardi B and the other songs to create the best Summer music playlist

On Spotify last weekend, it seemed as if the streaming service had given itself over entirely to presenting the music of a single artist.

That would be Drake, whose double album Scorpion was released on June 30.

Everywhere you looked, there was his handsome mug, the cover image of every single playlist on the world’s most popular streaming service.

That went for even the ones his songs weren’t featured on, such as “Best of British,” or \”Happy Pop Hits.” The promotion was a silly goof that online rageaholics are comparing to U2’s Songs of Innocence being inserted into all the world’s iTunes music folders in 2014 because, well, because people love to complain.

But the all-Drake all-the-time stunt underscores a truism: Scorpion is the unavoidable event release of the summer. The Toronto rapper’s album is uneven but still packed with hits. Scorpion has smashed streaming records left and right, garnering more that 435 million plays on Spotify, Apple Music, and other streaming services in its first three days of release. That is more than the previous record holder, Post-Malone’s Beerbongs & Bentleys, accumulated in a week.

Drake is included on the 24-song summer playlist assembled here, which you can play on Spotify by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

But there’s more than Drizzy happening this summer: The tunes assembled include big pop hits in contention in that winner-take-all Song of the Summer competition that media outlets obsess over, but also breezy and brooding songs with a multiplicity of moods, because while hot and sticky seasonal pop songs are often joyful, they’re not always enough to chase away the summertime blues.

“I Like It,” Cardi B feat. Bad Bunny and J Balvin. If a single song of the summer had to be named, I’d go with this one, the second Billboard chart topper for the Bronx born rapper who dominated 2017 with “Bodak Yellow.” This collaboration with two reggaeton emcees effortlessly blends trap music beats with salsa. It’s further evidence of the indomitable spirit of the rapper born Belcalis Almanzar.

“Make Me Feel,” Janelle Monáe. The current single from the Atlanta R&B-pop-funk synthesist’s terrific new Dirty Computer is “I Like That.” “Make Me Feel,” however, is the superior summertime jam, a celebration of sexuality that takes pointers from Prince’s “Kiss.” She will play the Made in America festival on the Ben Franklin Parkway on Labor Day Weekend.

>> READ MORE: ‘I’m not America’s nightmare, I’m the American dream’: Janelle Monáe’s new kind of protest song

“Apes-,” The Carters. Beyoncé says the bad word on multiple occasions in this hard-banging celebration of high-powered entertainment couple bliss on Everything Is Love, which features art history lessons aplenty in its video filmed at Paris’ Louvre museum. Jay and Bey will be at Lincoln Financial Field on July 30.

>> READ MORE: Beyoncé and Jay-Z are a happy couple on ‘Everything Is Love.’ Is that good for their music?

“Short Court Style,” Natalie Prass. A delectable slice of bubble gum flavored throwback 1970s pop-funk is Richmond, Va., indie singer Prass’ impressive second album, The Future and the Past. Prass plays the Xponential festival in Camden on July 28.

“Boo’d Up,” Ella Mai. Summertime is the love song time. British singer Ella Mai first put out this celebration of going steady early last year, but it’s a success story that gathered stream and pop radio exposure into 2018.

“Slow Burn,” Kacey Musgraves. While still IDing herself as country singer, Kacey Musgraves has redirected her music in a ‘70s soft-rock direction, a smart strategy since country radio is too conservative to play her anyway. This superbly crafted tune stays on permanent simmer.

“Babe,” Sugarland feat. Taylor Swift. Wyomissing, Pa.’s own megastar Swift now rules a pure pop universe. She plays back-to-back nights at Lincoln Financial Field starting Friday. but she’s smartly kept her finger in the country pie by continuing to write hit songs for country pop acts such as reunited duo Sugarland.

“Let’s Take a Vacation,” Joshua Hedley. The Nashville crooner puts a warm-weather spin on Merle Haggard’s “If We Make It Though December,” on this cut from Mr. Jukebox, as he tries to convince his significant other that a summer time getaway will put some zip back in their failing relationship.

“Pretty Horses,” Dwight Yoakam. This is the best of two new lonesome and blue songs that the uncommonly dependable veteran songwriter recently debuted on his excellent new Sirius XM channel Dwight Yoakam & the Bakersfield Beat.

“Pet Cemetery,” Tierra Whack. A love song to her lost dog, this is one of the standout cuts on the North Philly rapper’s wondrous 15-songs-in-15-minutes album Whack World.

>> READ MORE: Welcome to Tierra Whack’s ‘Whack World’: The North Philly rapper only needs 15 minutes of your time

“Summer Games,” Drake. “Summer just started and we’re already done,” the Canadian rhymer, in sad and sensitive mode, raps on the 1980s synth driven summer bummer, sounding disappointed. It’s one of many Scorpion cuts, along with “After Dark” and “Nice For What” that would have made worthy addition to this list.

“No Tears Left to Cry,” Ariana Grande. The octave leaping singer has a new album called Sweetener due next month, and a frisky new single called “Bed” with Nicki Minaj. This, though, is the sad song with a sweet melody whose mournful tone feels like a response to the terror attack that killed 22 at a Grande show in England last year.

“Lucid Dreams,” Juice Wrld. Drake isn’t the only rapper who’s pouring his feelings out this summer. Juice Wrld is the suburban Chicago teen born Jared Higgins who specializes in feeling sorry for himself in song, thankfully with a modicum of self-awareness. “I take prescriptions to make me feel a-OK,” he rap-sings. “I know it’s all in my head.”

“Heat Wave,” Snail Mail. Baltimore teenager Lindsey Jordan explores her feelings with scalpel-sharp acuity and songwriting smarts on her debut, Lush, and this will mentally cool you down if you watch its ice hockey video. Jordan plays Union Transfer on Saturday.

“Nameless, Faceless,” Courtney Barnett. The Australian rock songwriter who is so good at precisely — and drolly — detailing thoughts of alienation and detachment on her new Tell Me How You Really Feel. Put down of the summer: “I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and spit out better words than you.”

“If You Know You Know,” Pusha-T. There’s no self-pity on this hard-hitting highlight from Daytona, the Kanye West-produced return to form by the rapper who made his name with the street-wise Virginia hip-hop duo Clipse.

“Stay Woke,” Meek Mill feat Miguel. The appropriately serious-in-tone first song by the Philadelphia rapper since his release from prison in April. He spits with authority, and takes Grandmaster Flash’s classic “The Message” as a starting point. Look for Miguel to join him when they both play Made in America on Labor Day weekend.

“This Is America,” Childish Gambino. The song of the summer that speaks the most intensely to a bitterly divided nation in 2018 from Renaissance man Donald Glover.

“The Middle,” Zedd, Maren Morris, Grey. A collaboration between Russian-German deejay-producer, a Nashville country pop singer, and an L.A. EDM act is just the sort of Frankensteinian creation that contemporary pop mega-hits are made of. And this one is hard to resist.

“One Kiss,” Calvin Harris feat. Dua Lipa. This summer’s soaring firework celebration-ready dance track from Scottish deejay and Taylor Swift-ex Harris. This time with English songwriter and vocalist handling the vocal duties in a testimony about how a single peck on the lips can spell transcendence.

“A Song for Those You Miss All the Time,” Thin Lips. Speaking of Lips, this song by the Philly band fronted by Chrissy Tashjianis is by no means a happy one, but its gnarly guitar riff and catchy hook does deliver plenty of catharsis. Chosen Family is out July 27.

“Hey! Little Child,” Low Cut Connie. A ribald stomp from the raucous throwback Philly rocker’s Dirty Pictures (part 2), covering Big Star star Alex Chilton, who included it on his 1979 solo album Like Flies On Sherbert.

“I’m Your Man,” Spritualized. One man band Jason Pierce — a.k.a. J. Spaceman — is returning with And Nothing Hurt, his first album of new music since 2012 on Sept. 7. This and a second song, “A Perfect Miracle,” are marked by swelling orchestration and divine summertime sadness sentiment.

“Summer’s End,” John Prine. Before you know it, it’ll be gone. This highlight from the 71-year-old Prine’s superb better-than-it-has-any-right-to-be The Tree of Forgiveness is as beautiful and bittersweet as a late August sunset.

July 5, 2018 — 6:54 PM EDT

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krisrowland · 6 years ago

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Promises for this year and reflections on last year

A few activities that I’m trying to have a positive impact my life in 2019

Reading (so many books I haven’t read on my shelf)

Drawing in my Adam J Curtis book

Writing Kasper pieces

Spend time figuring out a vague shape for Kasper so far.

Organise Skype sessions with friends, Helena, Steph/Archie, Tina/Aine, Rosie, Lauren,

Research artistic meetups

Find time to meditate

Find time to be silly/rehearse monologues

Singing in the shower

Practising monologues

Writing thought pieces

Practical things to work on in 2019

Get a credit card and spend £50 each month

Buy all birthday cards and presents for sister, mum, dad, matt, Archie, Sophie, Jonny and Rich and Helena. + any other major birthdays

Organise birthday party in August

Organise China trip in August

Things I promise to be this year

Being a better uncle to Archie

Everyone is a little bit racist as they say. I want to be less so. I want to understand more and go to talks, plays, listen to activists that have a BAME voice . And figure out how else I can be an ally.

Always be willing to learn

Reflections on 2018

January

I met Chris at Paul's birthday party which was amazing it was so fun and an overwhelm of lust and play. I stopped doing the Landmark Education introduction Leader Programme after 4 months of emotional, frustrating and enlivening phone calls. I couldn't deal with the pressure I was putting myself under. My grand visions of social justice and my own creative practise were in severe conflict with reality and I needed to reassess what I was saying to myself. I think Landmark has undoubtedly changed my life it has made me really respect myself and find ways of being more flexible on a day to day with others. I now have the best relationship with my Dad, Mum and work I have ever had. I also started counselling for the first of three times this year to clear up some irrational thought patterns, which has continued my personal development journey and understanding of myself. Katharine and I continued our obsession with Stacey Makishi @ The Yard Theatre. Paul and I watched an earthshattering theatrical version of Network at The National theatre.

February started with Rosies hen do and a rekindling of the Notts college crew. I had a two week break to hang round London see shows and art galleries. I had my first rehearsals for Kasper, a performance piece I have wanted to do for ages and invited Chris k to collaborate. I also partied hard with Kayleigh Foulkes for the first time in a number of years in Camden and G.A.Y. The broom dancing team were on form (minus Heather)

March Rosie and Bob's wedding was another wonderful reminder of the awesome people that are in Nottingham, god I love our college crew there is so much I have to thank you for. Catching up with Jake was great, though we only met up three times this year, a culture vulture with a big heart and the best company. Kris R's party was a messy fun night with glitter et al at G.A.Y. And another messy night to welcome Gurdeep to his new Stratford home.

April Discovering the cruisey vibes of Bloc bar with Bryan was amazing. It felt like I was at a gay trance night in the 90's. Pulsating music, guys and telling the time by the number of topless men you could see. April was also Jamie's birthday with a terrific karaoke and Chinese evening. I went to Nestas people powered health conference which made me want to do a service design ma in the new year and had a number of wines for the road with my director and manager.

May was an eventful month starting the new job, Eurovision being a messy evening to say the least in a fabulous location. I saw Hamilton with Jamie which was an honour and a pleasure it was the best musical I'd seen in ages, intelligent, mainstream, modern and political, never mind catchy. The amount of times I listened to the soundtrack Spotify created me my own Hamilton playlist as if it was a genre.

In June I did my first stint drinking no alcohol at house parties with support from Helena as she was trying to cut down as well. I joined the Grapes quiz team and won a number of times throughout the rest of the year with them. Helena and I went to Phobiarama which was a political and race based ghost train. Followed by a very iffy messy night at XXL. It was Jonny and Rich's 40th and Sophie's 30th. We said goodbye to the first care leavers peer support group and partied at Chris's caravan to say goodbye to Chris and Helena on their next adventures.

The start of July was Helenas leaving party :( This years London pride felt like the first time I really understood why we still celebrate. A space in which you can be anything you want to be and feel comfortable being who you are. Years and Years were epic at the Roundhouse showing off their new album with much pizazz. Grindr the Opera was a weridly touching patische that was both hialrious and heartwarming. Helena was back in London and had a brief visit to see Gary in his new pad with Lindsey on the Henley part of the river Thames.

August was my first holiday with my dad in a beautiful air bnb in the New Forest. I had a joint birthday with Chris K starting with a picnic in Green park and ending in the beautiful Set You Free at The Chateau for pure 90s pop #messy. Kayleigh came to London again and we saw Britney at the O2 and went to Jonny woo' club The Glory.

September I headed off to see Helena and explore Estonian culture in Talinn. I managed to do my best time on a half marathon. 1hour 54 minutes.

October

Not much happened in October.Cabaret night with Phil Will and Kris. Halloween twas

November I met a really nice guy on Tinder but just didn't get the spark. I started Kasper rehearsals again, trying to figure out what the hell you do in a devised rehearsal space. Fantastic Beasts was a disappointment.

December started off with a fab racalette and wine evening with Chris Will and Phil. We had two Team away days on the same day which I helped organise. The Xmas party was at one my fav craft beer places. I had the gayest of Secret Santa's with unicorn Christmas decorations, a apron with a fake cock attached to it and a very fluffy rainbow pen. I finally went to see The Inheritance. A beautiful bittersweet depiction of modern gay life and the debt we owe older gay men.

Throughout the year I have been volunteering at a care leavers peer support group in Thurrock. It has been a challenging experience with the young people but also being able to find our place in the group. I wrote a blog about my experience here. I am continuing this into next year and won't be continuing after June.

It was a bit of a shock in May to hear that Helena (my closest and best friend) would be moving to China. We have really gone through thick and thin together and with each other over the last two years. Meeting at Landmark on a course and then developing a social impact concept together. Whilst the CCA's output may have left much to be desired. We created some unbelievable friendships ourselves and with other people including Gary, Kris , Annie and Papola. July was the month when she departed to go to Estonia for a few months before leaping over to Bejing to be a lecturer. Looking back over the year it strikes me how much of an impact she has had on me. Getting me off my seriousness addiction, pushing me when I didn't think I could give much more. She is one in million a real open, honest, not afraid to share her thoughts, willing to give anything a go and also a mysterious multitasker that you don't realise is doing so much brilliant stuff. She has opened my eyes to the EU migrant experience in Britain, Estonia's vibrant culture, my own biases, helped me celebrate myself and so so so much more. Helena I frigging love you and miss you, no one can ever take your place.

At work it was an up and down year. A department restructure and consultation had been taking place since September 2017. After six months we had the finalised structure, my line manager was leaving which was a blessing and a curse. (In some ways he was an amazing line manager giving me space to explore with him what I wanted to develop in the role but he was also not great at following up and holding me to account plus our meetings could go on for hours.) Then looking at the final paper I saw that my job had been deleted. So I had to interview for a new position which mostly matched my previous role, though it was the grade above which softened the blow. We welcomed Jane to the peer support team and many others into the unit and it felt we had new found energy and ambition. Two colleagues and myself started the LGBTIQ+ workshop which has been an amazing 6 months of creating events, learning, creating structures and trying to see how we are best placed in the organisation. At the Xmas party we even had someone congratulating us on sustaining the group and seeing us as a steering group for the organisation. I also travelled to Birmingham and Swansea for Influence and Participation (I&P) events, helped create an animation and will be facilitating a session next year for a new set of videos explaining the benefits of I & P to people on their recovery journey. The success of our staff forum pay paper meant in April that all staff got a pay rise, with further Brexit/ economic developments this will be a key focus in the coming years to see how we can support staff within our capacity as a charity. I was recently made the staff forum chairperson as Zadie leaves after having helped us navigate a consultation that asked major questions of our internal structures and leadership and form a project plan. Things now seem more on track with my role with a clear steer that my efforts to troubleshoot and problem solve is a positive contribution to the units and department as a whole. We will see what happens in the new year.

Jamie was another of Paul's friends who I instantly hit it off with. An amazing creative/ animator who has enthusiasm for all things culture with a labyrinth of music, film, TV shows and merch surrounding his almost iconic living room. We created a film club watching films we had never seen before it was a zany mix of animation, black comedy, surreal adventures and classics that you are suppose to have seen. After a bit of persuasion Jamie created an amazing puppet lipsynch to Robyn's here. Talent screaming out, can't wait to see what next year brings for this phenomenal guy.

Chris what to say about Chris. Well he has given me some of the best nights of the year pub quizzes, theatre, drinks, nights in, films, banter, Karaoke, clubbing, a picnic. His smile is inffectious. He made me value the small things. We dated and that came to an end but he became a solid friend. There is so much going for him I just wish he would see how great he really is.

Big love

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jacrispyretro · 6 years ago

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think i should post a little something about my birthday so i remember what i did for it

fred was running a little late, so he showed up around 12:15. i was so nervous all morning and when i finally walked out to greet him, i felt so much better and hugged him so tight and we kissed. it was super weird being in his arms again for the first time in three weeks but it was so perfect. he grabbed a wrapped box out of his dad’s car (he drove his dad’s car instead of his own) and gave it to me. i really wasn’t expecting a gift so it was a nice surprise.

we went in my house and i introduced him to my mom and brother. we decided to wait a minute for my dad to come inside (he’d just finished mowing our trails) before we went anywhere. in the meantime, fred filled his water bottle and i opened the gift he got me. inside was a hand-made plaster Carnival mask that he bought in Venice when he went there for a class trip a couple years ago. it was a plague doctor mas and is totally wearable. he said i could paint it too, like he did for a devil mask he had, but i don’t think i want to. but i couldn’t and still can’t believe he gave me one of his masks from venice. VENICE. how many times will he go back there? and yet he gave me one of the masks. we’ve been dating just under three months and he gave it to me. i’m amazed and in love with him. he also got me a jurassic world t-shirt, a large, so it won’t fit great but it smells like his laundry detergent right now and i don’t want to wear it yet because then the smell will go away

just as my dad was about to come in the house, fred had to answer a call from his dad. his dad had asked fred to take her laptop (his dad is transgender) out of her car before he left and he forgot. she was upset but it wasn’t the end of the world. he came back in after the phone call and met my dad. after a few minutes, the two of us decided to go on a walk in our woods.

we walked for maybe 45 minutes? i don’t know, i didn’t really keep track. we sat on benches a couple times and made out a bit which was fun lmao. we sat on our sliding hill bench for a while & talked about the show he’s going to be in in july. rehearsals start june 19th and the show is going to be performed at our college (despite technically not being run by the school, just students/alumni/faculty). so i’m very excited for him to be in town for a little over a month (the shows start july 19th and run through the 29th). he’ll go back home a little bit in between those dates i think since i know his dad is planning on having “thanksgiving in june” at the end of the month which i am invited to.

funny side note i remembered to add later on while writing this post, i leaned over at one point to smell some pretty white flowers. i said they didn’t really have a smell, which was disappointing. we started walking again, and then fred pointed to other flowers and said “do those have a smell?” i bent down to smell them (bent, being the keyword. i didn’t crouch, so my butt was in the air) and he pinched my butt. i gave him a “really?” smile and he apologized and said i should have expected that, or something. it was funny. earlier during one of our little forest makeout sessions (i guess) he moved his hand down to my butt and i thought to myself, why does he have to tease me like this, damn

anyway. now that i added that in.

after the walk, we sat around for a while trying to figure out what to do. we eventually decided to play card games, which we played for like 2 hours maybe? started with “we didn’t playtest this at all,” but it’s not as fun with two people, so we decided to move on. next we played bullshit with my brother, which was fun. we ended playing a few rounds of poker which wasn’t as fun because all of my hands were shit, but i just enjoyed being with him.

we went to dinner at about 5. we all took one car, i don’t really know why we decided on that lol. fred is from rochester so of course he ordered the garbage plate on the menu. we both got something to drink, he had a dogfish i think and i got a cherry sour which was not as good as i’d hoped but hey it was my first legal drink, so it was fine. we all had a good time. fred made everybody laugh and he seemed entertained by everyone too.

we got home a little after 6:30 and fred told me he’d have to leave around 7. he said he would have been able to stay later but he needed to get his dad’s laptop back home, so i was kind of disappointed about that. if he had just remembered to take the laptop out he may have stayed later. my grandma came over shortly after we got home, and she visited for a while. she asked how fred and i met and everyone was hung up on the fact that we met three years ago and hardly talked before i contacted him in february, and not on the fact that I actually made the first move for once. i was too awkward and unsure of myself that i didn’t try to befriend him or anything until i saw him in a show in mid-february, realized he was graduating in may, and said “fuck it” and messaged him. he threw me under the bus during some of that conversation (”it started with just a “hey good job at the show” message and then took us two weeks to finally get coffee, because it had clearly gone past just a friendly conversation”) but i was too embarrassed to say much, but whatever.

we had cake a little after 7, and finally around 7:40 he decided to leave. my dad and grandma had left briefly and my mom and brother were inside so we were able to go out to his car and talk privately for a little and kiss a lot. turned out my mom had been watching but whatever, she wasn’t upset, just teased me (my dad had also seen us kissing on a bench earlier because there was a clear view to the bench from the house where he was despite the bench being pretty far away but i didn’t think to move until it was too late as it turns out lol). he would kiss me and then stop and then chat again and then kiss again, and then we took a picture and then we kissed again...yeah. he even sat in his car seat and before he swung his legs into the car, he pulled me close and kissed me again. i had not realized how much i missed kissing him and he clearly missed kissing me too. before he got in the car, he said he missed me already, and we said i love you like four times while we were by his car. eventually he had to go, and i watched him drive away from the porch. we waved goodbye and we said i love you again. and then he left.

i went upstairs to change out of my dress and started crying again because saying goodbye to him is the absolute worst thing. i constantly want to see him but i know i’m just going to have to say goodbye to him again and it’s bittersweet because of that. then i remembered i couldn’t change because my grandma and dad were going to come back and finish visiting. i cleaned myself up after talking to my mom a little (not really about why i was crying) and then my grandma stuck around until just before 9. i think i cried after she left too, just a little. i feel mostly better today. still sad. we talked a little bit over snapchat. i want to ask him what he thinks about maybe talking on the phone once in a while but i’m waiting because i’m so paranoid about how i appear. but i only have 7 full days to get through until he’s back in town again. i don’t know when he’ll get here on the 19th and i’m sure i won’t see him right away but knowing he’s in town...i don’t know, maybe that’ll make it worse lol. he’s going to be couch-hopping probably and i told him if he ever has an issue where he can’t find a place to stay, he’s welcome at my place. don’t think he’ll take me up on it though. but since he won’t have his own place, and i live with my family, we won’t be able to hang around a lot. he’ll be on campus for rehearsals though and i have to be on campus to water the plants and work in the lab so hopefully we’ll be able to hang out at least a little bit.

anyway, that’s it. this was mostly just for me, as usual. i miss fred.

#personal #fp

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