#It is insane how some people view queer people and have some weird idea of what 'qualifies' as queer

[azuresins]

Kuroshitsuji is not queer-coded. You are not as smart as you think you are. Your opinions about the series, are not factual. The manga has no canon queer ships at all.

I don't know why you're so obsessed with me or why you're trolling me this hard, this feels personal. But just in case. I am beginning to think people have completely forgotten what subtext is. Kuroshitsuji started out in 2006... Kuroshitsuji as a manga is attracting a queer audience, absolutely. I'm going to assume you don't know the difference between Queer-bait, Queer-coded, and Representation... and that's super unfortunate, for you. None of those, are the same thing. It's not scandalous to say that you don't need a ship, in order for a story to be queer-coded and meant to attract a queer audience. The Found Family trope? Queer-Coded. The Non-human/Monster interaction with humans trope? Queer-Coded. Going against Christian hegemony? Queer-coded. Crossdressing? Queer-coded. Gender nonconformity? Queer-coded. Shapeshifting? Queer-coded. Complete transformation of identity? Queer-coded. Even if Kuroshitsuji only had but ONE, of those tropes I mentioned (and I suspect I missed some, these are just the ones off the top of my head). It would still be Queer-coded, and Queer people will gather toward it. Yana knows this. But even if she didn't...? If this story and it's construction was all just one huuuge coincidence...? It doesn't make the story less queer-coded. All that aside. It doesn't actually matter if a creator of any media at all, intended to attract a queer audience or not, if they write with any of those tropes in mind-- queer people will still be drawn to it. A creator can declare their work wasn't intended to attract queer people, or for queer people to be drawn to it, and scream how much they don't like it... if they want to. It wont end well for them, though. They'll alienate a huge portion of their fanbase and also get made fun of, a lot. People will, undoubtedly, ask the question, 'If you didn't mean for queer people to read this, then why did you write about these themes that are queer-tropes and resonate so strongly with queer people?' And, the author usually responds in kind, by showing a steadily decline of quality of their work, and tries to write-in a lot of strange rules and stipulations after-the-fact to try to 'unqueer' their story as much as they can. Or else, they try to write something else and either way, what they write, ends up being a pile a of shit. Because surprise-surprise ... it's actually very difficult to write a good story without ANY queer tropes and queer themes. Look at what happened to the Wizard Author (that's exactly what happened, in case you were wondering). But apparently, I'm not very smart. So believe whatever you want.

[thealexchen]

What do you think about the 'Lesbian Max' discourse?? There's a lot of debate on Max's sexuality again...and a lot of pricefielders who think Max is a lesbian....are not okay tbh. Like i saw a person the other day begging the devs to confirm Max was a lesbian (not a bisexual) and to remove Warren and his kiss option from the games, because his pixel ass existence is ?????. I dunno...um I think this fandom is going fucking insane.

I dunno, I’ve always thought Max was bi. Isn’t it weird that fans accept Rachel as unambiguously bi when the only guys she’s associated with are much older predatory men? LiS is still a choice-based game, so I don’t know why kissing Warren is a less valid scene than Max and Chloe kissing. If you can choose to pursue either a guy or a girl, I think that would make her bi. Of course comphet is real, but a male LI doesn’t diminish the same sex romance or Max’s queerness.

If anything, this discourse is likely due to how older (and straight) writers vs. younger audiences view queerness. Young audiences want role models; they want to see characters with the labels they use and find visibility and comfort. They prefer unambiguous queerness and characters who are bold and proud in a (privileged, liberal, developed, Western) landscape that wants to silence them, compared to decades past where people had to stay closeted for their literal survival and didn’t have the knowledge or vocabulary to label themselves. Older writers like DN never intended LiS to stand for queerness and wrote it as one of many themes in the game, likely seeing it as an artistic choice and not part of Max’s identity as a character. Some older directors also talk about queerness as “just like any love,” and believe a lack of labels supports that idea, while younger queer people are rejecting this assimilationist narrative and want to show how queerness and queer culture is different from the mainstream.

I think not including an opposite sex love interest could contribute to that rejection, like not giving straight gamers a straight option, especially since most choice-based games word it so that the player “chooses” the protagonist’s sexuality, rather than the character being bisexual by default. That’s also why it was big deal that in True Colors, Alex is confirmed to have been with guys and girls before the game starts, so her bisexuality is canon regardless of player choice. True Colors can actually claim that representation. So the debate is definitely rooted in valid concerns, but I’m just not that invested. This is why I’m not on Twitter, lmao.

[gayofthefae]

Putting resources of both writing and marketing into Byler at the EXPENSE OF Mlvn instead of just Mlvn to promote the straight ship or both equally to queerbait and maximize money, so silly of them.

Whatever they are doing, they are prioritizing the opinion of their queer audience. They do not care if people are happy with Mlvn - whether that means broken up or poorly done Mlvn endgame when they HAVE the resources and skills. They do not care what the straight people receive from this storyline, only the queer people, that has been well demonstrated.

So either they want as happy or they want us miserable. But whatever happens with Byler, it is not pandering. It is only about us.

THEY used many tactics to ensure they converted more Bylers then shifted the focus of their art itself to center more on doing so and deprioritize investment or PRESENCE of the straight ship. This is about loving or hating queer people but it's only about queer people.

So either they're giggling because they're happy or they're the hugest sadists I've ever goddamn seen. But I think I know which one because the other one would be fucking weird, like worse than any queerbaiters I've ever seen weird. Queerbaiters are in it money and views, not a maliciously homophobic fire burning deep and dark inside their eyes. That'd be insane and also kind of mean they were so obsessed with hating queer people that they made an entire show just to do this with every other plotline as low-key a cover, knowing that the screw-over would overshadow.

That is kinda funny to picture though. Like pitching and writing an entire show just to reel in queer people and build their hopes before crushing them. That's some personal vendetta shit. Also, the idea that they love Black people and women and disabled people and lesbians but oh no woah woah woah queer MEN? We draw the line!

^Especially given that in their Masterclass they emphasize how vital it is to love your story with all your heart because the BEST case scenario is you work on it for like a decade so you better love it.

To not make Byler canon would be for malicious homophobia to be their life's work passion project 💀. It's giving Sue Sylvester's quote:

I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

(the video because her delivery is gold)

[finelinens1994]

i worked at a polling place on election day and, while it wasn't asked of me, every time i led someone to the booth i said "let me know if you have any questions or don't understand something" and quite a few people took me up on it. dozens of people (if not hundreds — it's all a blur) told me they don't speak english well and needed me to tell them how to cast their vote for the candidate they wanted. sometimes i had to sign paperwork so i could go inside with them because they needed me to literally direct them through the entire process, no thanks to the fact that my polling place didn't offer the ballots in any other languages despite having the capability. my coworkers spoke hindi and gujarati with probably hundreds of people and i spoke broken spanish with dozens. one older person asked for help with his ballot and i discovered that he didn't know how to read at all. i signed the paperwork and went into the booth with him and read the entire ballot aloud. i'm so grateful that these people felt comfortable asking for help, and i don't even want to think about how many people felt too embarrassed to do so.

all but one of the people who requested detailed assistance from me were voting for donald trump, and he was almost always the only candidate they knew. i had to explain to multiple people what the board of education is, and one young new voter didn't know how to interpret the design of a ballot at all. i always felt that poor education and the shame surrounding it were likely causes for a lot of issues in this country, but working a 16 hour shift at a polling place on election day really cemented that idea for me. our education system is abysmal, and we provide so few resources for adults to continue their education for free. and why would they want to anyway, when democrats are online right now calling them stupid? saying they only voted for donald trump because they're uneducated and dumb? wouldn't that make anyone want to dig their heels in, only growing more and more conservative and desperate for direction from a charismatic figure who actually acts like they might like you?

it all makes me sad. i am so happy that i was able to help all of those people participate in an election, and i am so sad that some of the people i ally myself with on the left might not have wanted to help them at all. i am not a pacifist and i don't think we should all just get along or whatever, but i do think that the fact that a very visibly queer person was helping these republicans cast their votes and wasn't weird about it maaay have had a positive impact on these people. i don't know. some of them seemed uncomfortable with me. but i was nice anyway. i'm the furthest thing from an optimist so i don't think i'm being idealistic or anything, but there's a chance. right? don't you think small day-to-day interactions could be impactful for people like this too? i think maybe rather than this being an idealist view, it's more that i just need to feel this way so that i don't go completely insane from the nihilism. i need to believe, even just a little bit, that positive human connections can influence even the most hateful people to be kinder and more compassionate. even if it's only a little bit. i'm tired of often only seeing the worst from people no matter how kind i try to be, but i have to keep doing it or i'll lose my mind. working election day was a really enlightening and worthwhile experience and i feel like i gained so much from doing it, but my god am i just absolutely fucking exhausted emotionally as well. i think i just don't know how to really reckon with the political reality of this country sometimes. it feels surreal.

[crowscacophony]

its freak-frackin 2017 boi ^-^

I need to write something but mouthwashing has me in a state of shock still I feel like curly’s barely conscious body bruh he’s literally me. (Not a spoiler this is literally revealed in the first five minutes I promise) I need some kohls brainrot but unlike Jimmy I CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS fuck Jimmy all my homies hate Jimmy mouthwashing 

I was going to do some historical fangstitch but despite my favorite fanfic I’ve ever read being about wwii and fleeing nazism I cannot bring myself to actually write anything even though I have some really cool (I have to keep telling myself that it’s okay for things to be historically accurate even though the vocabulary used *specifically for Crow and his Romani heritage* would be entirely different and it’s better to be tasteful) ideas

So instead. We’re embracing the cringe.

WELCOME TO THE YEAR 2017 BITCHES

Mid to late 2010s fandom was an insane mess. No one knew how to act. No one was anywhere near normal. I was there. I remember it all too well. The era of flower crowns and cell shaded big eyes and Hamilton animatics. Good God it was like being on crack with a bunch of closeted queers 

And I keep seeing the “mouthwashing if it was released in 2016 posts” where people are drawing the characters in flower crowns and big sweaters and “smol beans” and “cinnamon rolls :3” and it’s like a bullet to the brain. And I LOVE it. Give me more.

So. The Dalseum Duet if it was released in 2017. Let’s fuckin pretend. 

The people of 2017 fandom would be cancelled left and right today and I’m going to revel in that for a minute.

An entire cast of characters of color is not really ideal. Because we saw what happened to Hamilton. Here are my predictions for the most cancellable race offenses:

People just cannot draw Sara. They can’t fathom that her skin is dark. They keep coloring her this weird ashy mid-toned color and squishing her face to make her look “cuter.” 

Marie gets whitewashed to high hell. She’s supposed to be cutesy and feminine and the people of 2017 could not fathom that she has darker skin than Crow

Same with Adam. He would 100% get “smol bean” woobified. Someone literally just does not realize that he’s black. Art of him but white (out of pure ignorance, not malice) is posted on a prominent artist’s tumblr and never mentioned until someone digs it back up in 2020

I would say something abt Noeul but people act even worse abt “”morally gray”” East Asian men in 2024 so  just go looking yourself if you’re desperate for people saying weird shit. Dw we get to him later

Multiple people come forward saying they didn’t know Cambodia was even a country before reading Heartstrings

still an issue but people just don’t know how to draw Asian features. they all look white for some reason. 

crow always has straight hair. for some reason.

Other related offenses 

Gale is always drawn either too skinny or something is evidently proportionally incorrect 

Where. Where are Crow’s mobility aids guys

The Charlie hate posts. “she’s so annoying omg she thinks everything revolves around her! terrible main character” when she’s just a woman trying to escape an unsafe situation 

People are just not normal about crow being trans (to be expected no matter what year tbh)

“my smol trans bb 🥺 my little bean protecc him *GUYS DID YOU CATCH THAT I SAID HIM!! HIM NOT SHE I’M AN ALLY* at all costs”

your smol bb just watched someone get decapitated and didn’t flinch but. okay

people exaggerate sonnet’s proportions so ridiculously. is this transphobic or are you just numb to the furry proportions of animation memes bc their hips cannot possibly be that large 

A LOOK AT THE FANDOM

So many theatre kids who can’t communicate to anyone effectively. So many. Think Percy Jackson of eras bygone meets the Heathers animatic era. 

The most viewed video is an animatic of Sara telling off Noeul after the trial set to “Congratulations” from Hamilton. 

And now. Just know that this hurts me to say bc this album is my guilty pleasure but not a pleasure bc it hurts me to listen to some of these songs. Sigh. 

Panic! at the Disco’s album “Death of a Bachelor” released in 2016, shifting the edgy fandom space forever. 

The Council fanart. The animatics. Were edits a thing at this time? Fuckin PMVs? Idk. BUT GOOD GOD. EVERY SINGLE SONG ON THAT ALBUM. THERE WILL BE 100 COUNCIL ANIMATICS AT THE LEAST FOR EACH ONE. ALL IN THE SAME EXACT ARTSTYLE YOU KNOW THE ONE

THE FANART EDITS. GOD. NOEUL WITH HIS EYES BLACKED OUT WITH A BAR WITH LIKE “Fifty words for murder and I’m every single one of them” WRITTEN ACROSS IT HAHAHAHAAAAA his touch is black and poisonous guys. eyes like broken Christmas lights fr

PEOPLE GET SO CORNY OVER THIS MAN. SO CORNY. LIKE. HE MIGHT AS WELL BE TORD. THAT IS THE EXACT TREATMENT HE GETS

oh yeah and Jason Dean too. the comparisons of costco to JD and Veronica. dead girl walking animatics galore 

people made JD’s entire personality slushies even though he committed so many crimes. Noeul’s personality is reduced to bulgogi but no one can pronounce it so it just keeps getting worse

people woobify the fuck out of Sonnet. drawing them in big sweaters and flower crowns and sh scars on comically “thicccc” thighs bc they were “suicidal 🥺�� (because they were “depwessed” not bc their marriage was fucking loveless and they no longer recognize who they are) and they have pretty pink hair. they tried to murder an innocent woman folks

unironic sams club shippers. “they should have gotten back together after the end! they did!! here is my fanart of Adam (ace mlm who has been severely traumatized by sonnet’s actions) and Sonnet (body has been borderline botched by “gender affirming surgery” and just watched their husband get slaughtered by their daughter in front of their own eyes. cannot form a cohesive sentence due to addiction to a variety of substances) 

I’m. I’m going to bed but I will add on to this. Because I find it really funny. 

Anyway. Just throwing the image of smol bean-ified Kai in your brain. @svwhssftr Big eyelashes and big blue sweater. Shark plushie. His eyes are blue and suspiciously round. Why does he have visible tits guys this isn’t… He doesn’t even have a face anymore. Bitch is built like captain curly. He is a fucking menace with an undiagnosed personality disorder. But yeah. Yeah smol trans bean (white..?) Kai. Perfect. Exactly. Sorry for that attack of psychological warfare. Thank you 2017 for your service in fandom history

[ihatemisinformstion]

I hate TikTok so much you have no idea how much I hate it they hear one little thing out of context and then they suddenly say it’s canon hurting like half of there own community because they hate queer black people for some god awful reason I don’t even know about the micro aggressions or the fact that people think HOBIE x miles is a proship I will say this once and I will say this again I will LIGIT clear everything on hobie having a canon age because he does not. And I’m tired of people on TikTok and anywhere else saying the same thing and I might change this into my second acc just for flowerpunk and I’ll actually put my name but I’m not gonna cause I don’t wanna have this turn into a big thing if they do confirm he’s over 18 but anyways I’m going to give all my points cause I think people see something and they automatically think it’s true

To the people saying he's 19/20 that was a director talking about his concept design and could be more based on the comics it's safe to assume that Sense another director said it's up for interpretation and Gwen said he's about her and miles age then he's most likely a teen below 18 and was aged Down for the movie and it's kinda obvious because he hangs around the teen squad don't litsen to the misinformation everyone is sayin as well as the clip that people are talking about is completely out of context and so I need you to all stop it!! I’m not even an adult and I despise pro shipping it’s one of the things that triggers me into things it’s weird and it’s weird your putting a silly ship into this horrible topic so many think it’s ok to put in because the age is unconfirmed half of you people just don’t like queer black people and I am one so for the love of god stop calling people proshippers when they view hobie as a kid!!!

Phil Lord who's also a director said it's up to interpretation/headcanon plus even likened him to Sex pistols who started off young. Alsp like I said the whole Gwen and Hobie implied/jokes about being together thing would be weird as f https://twitter.com/sillyabtspiders/status/1666405777009958913?t=ct4kf0PoYIeUHwsP3tsHDQ&s=19

Of course there’s the other video but again that is concept hobie and prowler hobie not even the hobie we See as well as HOBIE is Most likely aged down and based off teen hobie stop bringing it up because it doesn’t matter!!! I’m literally so upset with being called a proshipper and such and it’s actually really stupid that I have to fight on this because everyone other ship is fine except when there both black and queer it’s weird to how much people care and I’m so tired I’m so very tired of it. I literally cannot take it anymore it’s weird you people are just as weird I’m just so upset right now and by the way I’m writing you probably have already seen me post a bit on my main but it’s embarrassing how you all cling to one thing

I feel great comfurt in this ship I do with a lot of dynamics and I don’t even ship punkflower hard I just think it’s cute but the way you people look at soemthing and think “wow proshipper” is insane because eTHATS NOT WHAT IT IS IM SORRY ITS NOT IT MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED and I can’t tell if it’s cause I’m getting hyper fixated on this or what but I hate when this happens because wir causes so many people stress for no reason but your stupidity

Unless every single director comes out and says that HOBIE is older than 18 and not with Gwen and miles I will delete this and actually admit to it ok I’m not unreasonable I’m angry but that wouldn’t make sense because why would they tease romantic relationship as well as having hobie be with the minor coded charachters all the time

IM SO SORRY IF YOUR STRESSED BY THIS BECAUSE IM THE SAME I JUST FEEL LIKE WE WILL NEVER WIN and it’s so AKWARD I seriously hope that this whole situation gets cleared up and people will be able to ship and have there family dynamics and I’m sorry for anyone who doesn’t wanna see discourse just wanted to finally clear everything up because I know it stresses me out so I can’t imagine how other people feel

[prismatoxic]

"I hope any of this was interesting"

OF COURSE IT'S INTERESTING, THAT'S WHY I ASKED !!!

that's literally so great, those points you've talked about are some of my favorite things from ptk and it's really exciting to know you're so invested in it! (well, duh. Obviously, you're the one writing it)

At first I was kinda wary about the whole dysphoria and gender stuff, I was sort of scared to read when provided the warnings, but as I kept on going (because well, I just couldn't stop. The fic is just that good) it turned out being a really really interesting exploration of Chilchuck's journey, and some things even I could relate to !! To a strangely deep, personal level what the fuck tox

And oh, fuck yeah. The worldbuilding aspect is top notch. Probably my second favorite part of the whole thing beside the dynamic between chilaios. It's just so good to get to witness this carefully crafted world and how each of the characters fit in it! I really fucking love the way it works so well but is also riddled with some deeply rooted issues. How chilchuck fits in it, or rather, how he doesn't fit in it but makes room for himself anyways, learns to work around it. It's fucking great. It just ends up being sort of the default I think about for when I imagine any more modern universe stuff within dungeon meshi. The car stuff! that's so clever and interesting! Ugh half foots don't even have cars!!! Wtf!!! So cool!!! How do I explain to my friends this without making them read your fic wtf !!

Been ranting for a bit too long, and didn't even mention chilaios too much, but. Their dynamic. Fuck yeah. It had me twirling my hair kicking my feet. Laios' daddy issues, how they manifest in his relationship with Chilchuck (from the beginning too, ugh. Saw it coming from miles away and I was ecstatic waiting for it to finally boil over) and how Chil ALSO has some Dad issues (he is simultaneously the dad and the son) and how they both fuck about it freaky style. They're so good, and this is the perfect Chilaios dynamic, where they belong. So good. I love weird queer sex and if we're lucky they'll be having lots of it. Eventually.

They are SO hot together. I'm going insane. It's just so hot, the fic didn't even have smut yet and I was already cartoonishly pulling on my collar like "is it hot in here??" From having Laios call Chil "sir" instead of his name. All the setup had me going crazy, you did such a good job!

Anyway. Rant over. I need to calm tf down. Ty for writing ^_^ but take your time at the fic, enjoy your oc brainrot hours freely and don't force yourself to be churning out chapters just because we like the fic, we can wait, and we will.

THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE THIS MESSAGE IT'S SO NICE...

ptk is my baby, i've put a lot of time and effort and love into it and it really does mean the world to me when people appreciate it for what it is ;_; and plenty of people do, it's surprisingly popular ?? but i get very giddy when people engage with it on a deeper level, where i'm writing it from

i do want to get back to it soon, oc brainrot or no i'm extremely determined to see ptk through to the end, and some time away from it has given me some fresh ideas. plus i do need to get to the penetrative sex!!!

anyway, you're very nice and i love how you view and appreciate my story, here's a preview of chapter 12 for you

"...Laios?” he croaks.

“Oh, g’morning,” Laios says behind him, the sound of his typing stopping immediately. “...Good afternoon, I guess,” he corrects himself. “How are you—Actually, forget that, I think I know the answer.”

Miffed by his warm tone in spite of the fact that he’s acknowledging Chilchuck’s abject misery, Chilchuck lifts his head to glare over his shoulder. “Why am I naked?”

Laios is, himself, only in a pair of sweatpants, his legs crossed and laptop balanced on top of them. The curtains beyond him are drawn shut, but the light that is coming through is still far too bright. His stupid smile is even brighter, though there’s a touch of concern to it. “You got hot,” he explains.

That tracks. “Don’t remember that,” Chilchuck mutters, rolling bonelessly onto his back with a groan and throwing an arm over his eyes. “Was I trying to claw my clothes off in my sleep?”

“Yeah,” Laios confirms with a little laugh. “And thrashing around. I helped you get out of them and you went right back to sleep.”

He’s talking quieter than usual, Chilchuck realizes. “So much for me taking care of you,” he mutters.

“It’s a symbiotic relationship,” Laios assures, and Chilchuck feels gentle fingers card through his hair. “Let me get you some fresh water.”

“Don’t use—” Chilchuck makes a strangled sound as Laios starts to get off the bed, the movement making him feel like he’s on a boat at sea. “...Don’t use biology terms about your boyfriend, dipshit,” he finishes when it settles. “Fuck’s sake.”

“Don’t be mean to me, I’m going out of my way to baby you right now,” Laios chides, voice receding from the room.

“Baby me?” Chilchuck squawks, lifting his arm to glare indignantly at the doorway, and Laios laughs out in the hall.

[daenystheedreamer]

Are you RPF positive? How do you feel about ships like Gaylor or Phan or Larry? Phan actually turned out to be true LOL

short answer its funny and harmless long answer below the cut tldr its funny and feel free to be cringe but also everyone has a line they draw in the sand and even if you think you dont, you do. and me personally my line is further than others, nearer than some. if the rpf is fanfic where harry styles bottoms for louis tomlinson thats mostly just teenagers being silly and harmlessly cringe and if the rpf is AI deepfake of them its bad. also sometimes the rpf is real. and also phan is a can of worms im not touching with a ten foot pole. again long answer below the cut ^_^ rambling

ok so celebrities in general i roll my eyes at the thought of caring about them. everyone is just a regular human being who is kind of stupid and lame. everyone has positives and negatives etc. so to me when i see someone act parasocial about some youtuber/singer/actor etc im like thats just a guy. so already rpf is simply not for me.

secondly i think it is mostly harmless. if you are writing gay porn about frank iero and gerard way well that is between you and god and the ao3 staff. gets cringe and weird if you go up to jensen ackles at a con and say heh so which of you is the seme 😏 that is a socially insane thing to do sorry

thirdly it is super funny. gaylor is hilarious to me its like a bunch of generally progressive young girls who feel the need to morally justify why its okay to like taylor swift. Oh she dates weird men oh she has a bad carbon footprint Well actually she is a queer woman oppressed by her management and her conservative family. thats hilarious to me i love how there is no one on earth who isnt a little conspiratorily minded. tbc im not gaylorphobic i have gaylor friends.

fourthly i have seen the moral depravity of man. you can find genuinely deeply morally and ethically disgusting content about real life minors. 'its fiction its just writing they wont see it' grow up go talk to a therapist. AI deep fake porn is disgusting. its weird and socially inept to bother actual human beings about your kink. again fine to have that kink but dont go asking random people if theyre secretly in love with their friend.

hmmm fifthly and lastly i think often people just dont have a holistic view of the world they dont understand cultural/social context. there is a social barrier between you the audience and the people on your screen. also when you get into fandoms like kpop, you need to understand that its a product. these arent authentic human beings they are products they are actors they are selling you an idea. its yaoi in a way! its playing on homosocial/homoerotic tropes that female fans tend to enjoy. im sorry but seokjin and taehyung arent secretly boning they are coworkers. sorry.

that being said i think ben affleck IS in love with matt damon and i think theyve jerked off together or had sex by proxy via threesome. nothing will change my mind on this.

[megaawkwardhuman]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. learn to know your mutuals and followers.♡

sorry for not responding to this sooner

wrote more then I expected so just gonna put this here

1: my dog!

he might be annoying at times but at the end of the day I fucking love him and if anything bad happens to him I'm going to kill a bitch. though it would be nice if he didn't jump on me all the time since he's fucking big (he's still a puppy tho so I cut him a lot of slack) (also he's a german shepherd if you're curious)

2: art

whether it's viewing it or creating it art has always made me happy. I've been drawing since middle school and while I do have creative dry spells I haven't really stopped creating and picking up random mediums (just pencil, just pens, pixel art, sewing, kandi making, painting the list goes on and will continue to go on)

3: music

I would go insane if music didn't exist. It's always been a big part of my life whether it's my dad blasting music while cleaning the house or me listening to music while walking down to a corner store to get an arizona. Music also helps give me ideas! like I have a few fic ideas written down that were inspired by songs.

4: watching and talking about media I like

I'll take this moment to apologize to my irl friends who have witnessed me info dump over discord vcs at like 1 am without planning what I'm saying so it's all one big cluster fuck of words. I fucking love to ramble on and on about shit that I like ESPECIALLY THE MEDIA I CONSUME!!!! I've always been a nerd for details, theories, and over all over analyzing. not always but most of the time if given the chance to talk about something I like I become like one of those door to door missionaries. Only instead of talking about my god I go on about how gay something is. Also watching shit that I like! after I'm done typing all of this I'm gonna rewatch some wwdits while working on bunny art (I swear one of these days I will explain the bunnies. It's a whole thing with a looooong story behind it. I wanna share it but I think it deserves a separate post so I won't talk about it here.)

5: tumblr

is this one a bit of a cop out? probably. is it true? 100%. it fucking baffles me that my ideas and art can bring joy to others. hell I still can't believe I've INSPIRED OTHERS but somehow I have. All of y'all in the wwdits fandom have really helped me get through art block that was going on for months I think? I can't put into words how thankful I am for this site. All of the amazing artists, all of the meta posts, just EVERYTHING AH YOU GUYS HAVE NOOO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE Y'ALL. it kinda feels weird since at the end of the day I don't really know y'all and y'all don't really know me but still from the bottom of my little queer heart thank you all soooo much for the follows, likes, replies, and reblogs.

[writing-portfolio]

How do Artists and Writers Portray Escapism in Their Works?

Reality has always been an overwhelming experience, but over the past few years the amount of incredibly stressful events in the world have skyrocketed. The real world is insane. It's reasonable that we would come to rely on technology and stories as a brief respite. Whether it's Spending a few hours immersed in video games or getting lost in a book, almost everyone has indulged in escapism to some degree. Where things get interesting is when the media starts to form an opinion on us escaping into it. 

Dana Terrence’s Disney Cartoon, "The Owl House", tells the story of Luz, a neurodivergent and queer teenager who finds herself in a magical realm of witches and demons. She was meant to go to a summer camp to help her become more “normal” but instead spends the summer on the Boiling Isles, also called the Demon Realm. Here she has no trouble making friends, something she has always struggled to do in the Human Realm. She is also free to  express herself when doing so previously had always led to bullying from her peers. But when the summer ends she is forced to acknowledge her real life and the impact her absence has made on reality. By the end of the series, Luz has found a way to balance her life in the Demon Realm with her life in the Human Realm. 

Luz is a character who is very special to me and who I have a lot in common with. I would jump into that portal to the Demon Realm in an instant. Escapism is very appealing to kids who might feel alienated, especially in situations like school. The idea of being able to spend time in a world full of dragons, friends, and magic definitely sounds better than monotonous reality. For Luz, the Demon Realm is a chance to do what she wants with her life and be supported and understood while doing so.

"Deltarune" is a visual novel and RPG video game by Toby Fox. Similarly to Luz spending time in the Demon Realm, two of “Deltarune’s” protagonists, Kris and Susie, go on adventures in Dark Worlds. These Dark Worlds are filled with friends, puzzles, and magic. Both Susie and Kris are deeply neurodivergent coded and are both canonically queer. Susie also seems to have a very unstable home life. In the Dark Worlds these things are accepted or fade into the background. Each Dark World is designed around a common means of escape, like imagination or the internet.

There are a few concerning details in the game that condemn escapism, like two characters from the Dark Worlds. The first, Jevil, has seemingly lost the ability to tell the reality apart from games. He is completely disconnected from reality. The second, Spamton, is similar. He views the world as a game and does not view other people as “real”. Spamton has become lost in the endless void of the internet. He, like Jevil, has completely dissociated. These two characters may represent people who took escapism too far and lost touch. 

Videogames are themselves a common means of escape, so "Deltarune’s” theme is very much informed by its medium. No matter how you choose to play the game, escapism is always present. One route of the game, the Weird Route, casts escapism in a very negative light. In this route, Kris uses the excuse of unreality to emotionally manipulate and abuse Noel, a character who otherwise becomes close friends with Kris and the rest of the party. In the other routes of the game, escapism is only condemned indirectly through vague dialogue and characters like Spamton and Jevil.  

An RPG’s ability to tell different stories informed by hundreds of tiny choices that the player makes lends itself to portraying different degrees of escapism as a maladaptive coping mechanism. The player’s involvement in the story also makes any morels or themes present seem more personal. "Deltarune’s” theme of escapism is woven into every part of the game.

Another text with a strong theme of escapism is Neil Gaiman’s “Coraline”. In the book, Coraline, a young girl who is discontent with her life, finds a huge door in her parlor. It leads to a world not quite like her own. Everything is the same but slightly off. Everyone has buttons in the place of their eyes and uncanny valley features. At first, Coraline is willing to ignore this because the Other World is interesting and has delicious food and fun clothes. But the bloated rotten underbelly of the Other World quickly becomes apparent to Coraline. Inorder to stay in the Other World, she must stitch buttons into her eyes. By permanently stitching her eyes closed, Coraline is actively choosing to ignore everything disturbingly wrong with the Other World and accept its illusion of perfection. 

This text’s examination of escapism is definitely darker than the previous two. Coraline’s attempts to escape her real life are clearly shown to be maladaptive. Coraline realizes immediately that something is off in the other world but basically keeps going back there out of boredom. At one point the Other Mother, The book’s antagonist,  says “Nothing’s changed. You’ll go home. You’ll be bored. You’ll be ignored. No one will listen to you, really listen to you. You’re too clever and too quiet for them to understand. They don’t even get your name right.” (Gaiman, 64). As the Other Mother becomes more controlling, people in Coraline’s real life begin to disappear. Her parents and eccentric neighbors slowly disappear from her already remote community and soon Coraline has completely isolated herself. 

Being a novel, Coraline’s internal monologue is made clear to us. We can see her thought process and quickly become attached to her. Coraline is younger than the escapees of the previous two texts, but is maybe the most aware of what is happening to her. Her experience with the Other World is much like that of someone who has become dependent on escapism or disassociation and is trying to recover. Every time she thinks she has returned to reality she is dragged right back into the Other World. 

The Other Mother is the root of Coraline’s peril. Similar to how you can't get rid of a coping mechanism like maladaptive escapism before you have fixed what you are escaping from, Coraline cannot escape the Other World until she has defeated the Other Mother. 

“Coraline” casts escapism in a very negative light, but only in extreme contexts. Coraline loves make-believe and TV. She pretends to be an explorer. She makes up stories and has a very active imagination. These are all shown to be good things. It is only when Coraline tries to entirely escape from her reality that the text decides that her escapism has gone too far. 

The article “Why Escapism Can be Harmful” discusses why escapism can be a dangerous coping mechanism, like it is in “Coraline”. Lyn Reed, the author of this article and licensed therapist, discusses how constantly avoiding our struggles through escapism stops us from actually improving our lives. She describes people who rely too heavily on social media as a form of escape as addicts. Relying on escapism can lead to things like dissociative disorder, a separation from yourself or from reality. “The ultimate goal of escapism is the destruction of self” she states (Why Escapism Can be Harmful, Reed).

This is an informational text based on a pervasive issue trying to offer support to those affected. Unlike the other texts chosen, it is not an artistic exploration of an issue, but a resource trying to help actual people who struggle with it. Because of this, it is a lot more critical of escapism as a coping mechanism, but it also offers support to those who use it. Reed suggests doing things like spending time face to face with friends to begin to overcome the need to escape from your life. She makes a clear distinction. “Not all escapism is bad for you. It is important to identify why you need to escape. If you are running away from reality then the consequences are not likely to be good. But if you are accessing another world in order to gain some insights to bring back to this one – well, that IS good.” (Why Escapism Can be Harmful, Reed).

This is a distinction that can be found throughout all of these texts. In “The Owl House”, Luz’s arc required her to switch the mindset of her escapes to the Boiling Isles from “running away from reality” to “gaining insights to bring back” (Why Escapism Can be Harmful, Reed). This was not an easy journey for her. Dana Terrence clearly understood this distinction and incorporated it into her show. The same goes for “Coraline”. Imagining that you are a famous explorer for a day is good, but running away to the Other World is not. Toby Fox makes a similar distinction in “Deltarune”. Having fun in a Dark World is ok, but be careful not to end up like Jevil or Spamton. It's ok to check out from reality for a while. Just remember that the real world will still be there for you when you're done, with all of its problems, insanity, overwhelming anxiety, and messy, painful, real, beauty. 

[beepboop358]

Whilst I’ve lost faith in the writing after this mess of a season and I’m not so sure about byler anymore let’s say I’m still making connections and clowning and something else struck me as super interesting that I don’t think you’ve put it on the slides yet I mean it could be symbolism or it’s irrelevant and I’m clowning but here goes.

In the pizza shop, right before Mike is supposed to tell El that he loves her, Argyle interrupts them with pineapple pizza and Mike is absolutely disgusted by the prospect of putting “fruit on pizza”.

We all know that the word fruit has gay connotations and has been used in the show before for byler coding - examples being the rainbow apple logo in s2 and the supermarket scene in s3 with Mike and Will sitting near fruits.

He’s literally like “That’s insane. It’s blasphemous. Putting fruit on pizza.”

The choice of wording here is a bit weird. Like blasphemous? They could’ve used any other word. But they chose that one. It’s so odd how it’s something that fits perfectly if you view it through a queer lens.

Because homosexuality and being gay has been viewed as blasphemous from a religious perspective, a Christian perspective, and there are some people who still view it that way and it’s definitely a view that was even stronger in the 80s.

Mike saying that line could also be inferred as what he’s been told/what he’s heard about being gay considering his conservative family background too it would make sense. It would be something that’s perceived as blasphemous.

Then, we have El, who’s tried the pizza and thinks it’s good (not sure what to make of that lol but that’s interesting), saying that he shouldn’t deny it before trying and her and Argyle basically trying to get him to try it. And in that moment they change perspectives and they transition to WILL when El and Argyle are getting him to try it which is so convenient. Mike refusing to even try fruit pizza and as he’s being convinced to do so boom focus switches to his fruity best friend in love with him ahem.

And as we focus on Will and Jonathan, the focus is completely off El, Argyle and Mike, you can still hear their voices in the background for quite awhile actually that’s interesting and they’re still struggling to have Mike eat the pizza as he seems very stubborn not to. You do have to wait awhile before they finally finally succeed and have Mike finally say “no you’re right it’s actually good” and that’s when you can’t hear them anymore. They went off camera and dragged on the conversation until Mike tried the fruit pizza and he admitted it was good.

The queer reading here is that Mike is stubborn about performing heterosexuality and refusing to explore his own queerness refusing to even try shutting out every possibility of it because it’s insane it’s blasphemous the internalised homophobia is strong. However, it may be quite struggle and take some time, he will try the fruit pizza aka acknowledge his own queerness/feelings for Will and it’s definitely a good thing at the end of the day.

Like I said I don’t want to have to much hope because this season has literally ruined my hopes for the writing I’m not sure where the show is even going but I couldn’t ignore this piece of symbolism of how it fit with all the other byler coding in previous seasons and I really needed to point that out even if it feels like everything’s gone to the ground right now 😭

Hi!!

You could definitely be right about this!!! Great observations!!! If that's really how they meant it, that's pretty clever!

Everything does really feel like it went straight into the ground :( Everyone deserved so much better than what they were given in season 4. I'm still holding out hope, but currently feeling like I'm in a hole of shock and despair and nobody will tell me when they are going to let me out! LOL, maybe that was a bad metaphor. But anyways, you get the idea.

hope you're well! xx (i loved reading this so much btw)

[fandom-oracle]

Wait wdym? Do you think fic is bad?

i'm getting canceled tonight i guess.

if you actually did a good a faith interpretation of my post you know it's not really ABOUT fanfiction at all, i actually write fanfiction myself. i'm not sharing here because it's overwhelmingly bad fic that i write exclusively as wish-fulfilment or for self-projection, but at least i'm self-aware about it. i am ALSO one of the people who reads ze Books™️, although most of the academic material i consume are nonfiction, so this whole thing is particularly annoying to me. the crux of the matter is that, if you're a little younger you might've missed it, but this website was a hotbed of scalding takes like 'dante's divine comedy is literally fanfiction', 'something something is literally fanfiction' when the thing in question barely counts as a transformative work and, in fact, it weakens the definition of transformative work in itself to try to apply it to literally anything that exhibits an ounce of intertextuality. plenty of takes that are... true, but require some nuance, focused on the idea of transformative fandom as a place defined by its presence of overwhelmingly female and disproportionately queer (occasionally, though disputedly, nonwhite) content creators and the ways in which transformative fan content could be interpreted as a space of defiance to cisheteropatriarchy in the way it permeates traditional media. a third, less common but still relevant take was the focus on how certain fandoms such as trek and doctor who have a long history of involvement in real-world civil rights issues and progressive politics. so this kind of take has been the dominant view on tumblr and transformative fandom for a good decade now, perhaps longer, and the people with this kind of takes can sometimes be a little... obnoxious. and the majority of people on transformative fandom (regardless of wether or not the fandom is disproportionately composed of nonwhite individuals or not, by sheer virtue of american demographics and this site`s heaily skewed userbase, the majority will still be white) are white, and like any other space dominated by white people, fandom has often been a vehicle for white supremacy. "Stitch Media Mix" talks about this in-depth. the discourse on fandom racism and ways in which transformative fandom as a whole contribute to racialized stereotypes, hierarchies, and deeper problems within online culture has led to a lot of people with grievances with fandom, many of whom are women of color, to develop an entire online identity built around the concept of being "critical of fandom", which is a very weird thing to do with fandom is literally billions of people, not a unified demographic, and that being critical of something can mean a WIDE amount of things; which in turn has led to a lot of people insulating themselves completely from any criticism of fandom as being inherently in bad faith, which a weird thing to do when literally ANY sphere of society should be open to criticism. people taking critiques of media they consume and taking critiques of their own critiques as personal attacks are abound here and make everything worse. so a fairly recent (mid2018ish, definitely post the insanity of reylo discourse but before sarah z blew up in popularity) trend has been that people in these communities isolate more and more and the general discourse has effetively resulted in people with differing takes in fanfiction specifically but fandom as a Whole (which is, again very weird to say because fandom is not 'a Whole' because there's no unifying element to different fandoms) only interacting with each other in hostile ways. and increasingly, in my personal sphere, a lot of people are positioning themselves in the "fandom critical" (AGAIN, WEIRD THING TO SAY, WHAT DOES IT EVEN MEAN, PLEASE USE WORDS WITH PRECISION) sphere, and I tend to take that "side" myself, but i specifically do not think framing this as a team A or team B thing is useful. this culture war was in the buildup.

last week a post by a user i follow recently became popular. the post itself was a critique that i.. do not necessarily agree with. it was ultimately about the idea of easily-consumable popular media being seen as an acceptable form of exclusive media engagement by people in the "pro-fandom" sphere, and how the insidiousness of this line of thinking has to do with how capitalist media production is designed to spread, and how fandom AS A TREND, not specifically any individuals or any fanworks, can empower capitalism. the post specifically did NOT use the kindest possible words, but that was what they were trying to say. howelljenkins also has really good takes on the subject, albeit from a different angle.

anyway because this is a circular culture war, the result was as follows: 1) a bunch of pro-fandom types refuse to actually make a charitable reading of the post and insist the user in question hates fandom and thinks people under capitalism shouldn't have things that are Fun, and should Only Read Theory and keep sending anon hate to several blogs in the opposing sphere, therefore proving the point that fandom sometimes prevent people from being able to engage critically with things; 2) a bunch of anti-fandom types who defined their entire identity on hating fandom being like "haha look at these cringe people" instead of trying to understand why a demographic overwhelmingly composed of marginalized people would feel strongly to posts that use inflammatory language against an interest of theirs, thereby proving the point that most criticism of fandom is divorced from actual fan content and is vaguely defined. the reason this is a culture war that actually deserves attention (unlike most fandom culture wars, which are just really granular ship wars made into social justice issues for clout) is that, for the most part, both of these groups are mostly people with college degrees, many of whom will contirbute to academia in the coming years. fan studies is a relevant field. these discussions have repercussions in wider media criticism trends, and this is why i can't really stand it or just passively ignoring it the way i do with most other inconsequential discourse. like it's genuinely upsetting seeing almost every single tumblr user, most of whom should know better, patting themselves in the back for their inability to read things in a way that doesn't feed into preexisting cultural hostilities in fan spaces.

[2ofswords]

top 5: plays, words, chapters/fics you wrote,items of clothing you own, ships

That’s... a lot of questions. I’ll try...

Let’s talk theater!!!

Okay, for he first one… Are we talking written plays or shows? Because there are…. Very different answers there. I’ll just include both since a lot of my favorite theatre productions are not about specific texts. (I just like a lot of them so much and want to mention them!) Also note: I live in Germany and study German literature with a focus on theatre so there will be a lot of that.

5. Die Winterreise written by Elfriede Jelinek This one is actually about the text. I guess it is not the most provocative work from Jelinek but… the themes man… the themes. The whole “passing of time” and the sadness of it. It kind of goes through all seven stages of grief about it and… well it’s Jelinek so there is much more. The whole part about the lost father near the end that just goes on forever and doesn’t stop and it is so bleak and also melancholic and full of love that cannot be properly expressed an… god. Also the first page of this text is one of my favorite written pieces of… anything really. Sometimes I just read it to… read it. This play also started my interest in theatre studies! I wrote an essay about it out of spite! I was just really annoyed by everyone calling it autobiographical (which to be fair: it absolutely is) and basing the narrator only on Jelinek’s own life when the whole narration has her style of deliberate vagueness and can be applied a whole lot more interesting. But people only relying of autobiography aspects is a pet peeve in literature studies I have in general. (Yes, I am looking at you, people who cannot shut up about Franz Kafka’s father!!)

4. Kill your Darlings by René Pollesch I have to go with one Pollesch play and while I also really liked Probleme Probleme Probleme, this one just has some banger sentences and also an octopus costume. Which is all I ever needed in a theatre production.

3. Ibsen: Peer Gynt by Markus&Markus This one is not a written script but a play. And it’s a really interesting one. It follows a group of performance artists who spend a summer with a man who has dementia and they are trying to make a play about Peer Gynt from Ibsen with him as the main role. It is part of a series trying to find the characters Ibsen writes about in our time and this is the last part of the trilogy and… it really hits. It’s just… super interesting and the plot twist is… Good. There seems to be some debate around the play and the group in general (and I actually have seen one other play from them that I really didn’t like) but this one is genius and I think it handles the discussion with a lot of dignity. Also the connections to the actual source is super interesting. There are a lot of really amazing monologues in there too!

2. Les Robots ne connecaint pas le blues oder Die Entführung aus dem Serail by Gintersdorfer/Klaßen God… this one is so good! Sadly this is another one that was played by the group and cannot be seen anymore. But god… it’s a masterpiece! It’s an analysis of the opera “Die Entführung aus dem Serail” and applies a lot of postcolonial theory, queer studies, gender studies and just… personal experiences and viewpoints. It’s thorough, it has an amazing aesthetic, an entire opera orchestra and a Coupé-décalé dance-off… It’s just a blast and so fucking clever! I really love the analysis and style of Gintersdorfer/Klaßen in general and can really recommend the group!

1. Draußen vor der Tür (The man Outside) by Wolfgang Borchert Surprising absolutely nobody. This is definitely the play I loved most through school years. But let’s be honest here: It’s mainly number one because I made my own production of it with one of my university’s theatre groups and that was – no exaggeration – the best time of my life. The magical semester I had. It’s also really good and really sad though.

The other lists are under the cut because this post is getting too long!

Okay, what’s next. Words?

Uuuuuuh. I like words. I don’t really have… specific ones I love… Uuuuuuuummmm…. I’m going with German here. There is also some great English ones but… I know more words in German… Sorry… The other lists are written in English again!!

5. erwidert mein Lieblingswort, um “sagen” auszuweichen direct nach “fragt“ und „antwortet“. Erwiderungen geben einfach recht viel Dynamik in die Sache hinein und strukturieren Dialoge. Yay!!

4. jetzt Um… ich weiß, man soll keine Füllwörter benutzen… Aber an die Regel habe ich mich noch nie gehalten? Ich mag meinen Sprachrhythmus? Und „jetzt“ ist einfach super praktisch, wenn man eine zusätzliche Silbe braucht, aber einen schnellen Sprachfluss erzeugen will. Es setzt ein bisschen druck in den Satz und lässt sich dabei sehr schnell sprechen. Außerdem eignet es sich auch sehr gut, damit wörtliche Rede ein bisschen umgangssprachlicher klingt, ohne besonders umständlich zu sein. „Was machen wir denn jetzt?“ „Das kannst du jetzt echt nicht ernst meinen!“ „Ich habe jetzt aber wirklich genug von euch!“ Fun stuff.

3. demnach Ich hoffe niemand hier hat irgendwelche großen oder interessanten Worte erwartet… Das hier ist ein Hausarbeits-Wort! Argumente! Sie lassen sich zusammenführen! Und man kann dieses eine Wort benutzen, um von einem Punkt zum nächsten zu kommen! Es ist ein Wunder! Um ehrlich zu sein, bevorzuge ich es, dafür „in diesem Sinne“ zu benutzen, aber das ist kein einzelnes Wort.

2. Enzensbergerexegetenschelte I… am out of words: Aber hier ist ein wort, dass den Buchstaben „e“ ganze zehn Mal beinhaltet und in einem lustigen Gedicht vorkommt.

1. Oh.

 Okay, about my own fics:

I rarely revisit my fics so I will just see where my gut feeling takes me. Also if I talk chapters, I will only include one chapter by fic, so that this list doesn’t become my favorite Blank Rune Chapters.

5 Shenanigans by the sea (Pathologic Fanfiction) It’s so silly but also so happy and genuinely one of my best pieces of writing! Definitelly one of my better Pathologic fanfictions and what can I say? I like to write scenes with a lot of characters that I can switch around. It was super fun! Also lifeguard Saburov is still one of the best ideas I ever used for anything.

4 “Durchführung” in Nur ein Spiel („Execution“ in Just a Game? – Hungergames Fanfiction) Another chapter of my hunger games fanfiction and… well it’s one of the most memorable I would say. I remember that I absolutely loathed writing it because my personal favorite character died and also the favorite character of my best friend but… worth it tbh. The whole love confession in it is also…. Cheffs kiss.

3 How to play. A dramatic text in three acts (Pathologic Fanfiction) I think this is the best Pathologic fanfiction I wrote. It’s just… I can’t help but love it and it’s one of the very few pieces I actually reread from time to time. I love the wordplay in this one and I really love how it mirrors some more abstract forms of theatre and… I don’t know I just think it’s one of the few times I managed to write something really smart.

2 The Last Gebo-Chapter in The Blank Rune (Hungergames Fanfiction) It’s short but… I think it hits. Don’t even think it’s the best chapter from a technical view and also… not the one that hurts the most but… It has the exact sweetspot of hurt and loving it and I worked a long time to finally get to a point in the story where I was able to write it. Also that fucking last sentence…. It symbolizes a lot of what I wanted to do with Blank Rune.

1 Das Glasperlenhaus (The Marbles‘ Shed – Original Work) It’s short story of mine an I really really love it! It’s actually hard to say what it is about but I wrote it for a competition that had the theme “Haunted House”. I guess it’s about some guy who visit’s a pretty weird small house next to a park and how that house affects his life. And also there are a lot of marbles that get knotted into a string and I guess that is metaphor for life and death or something.

 Items of clothing I own

Oh! I have a lot that I really like!!

5 The one black dress with the flower ornaments!! It’s just so… insanely pretty! It’s more for special occasions and I need to be in the mood for wearing it but man… makes me feel very fancy and fairy like.

4 All of my woolen socks! They. Are. So. Warm! And my feet are very cold. Bonus points if at one point they got extended and now have completely different types of wool attached to them? I don’t know, I really love that!

3 The one grey jacket, that kinda looks like a biker jacket where the person who made it didn’t get the memo, that these are supposed to be made out of leather. It’s just a wacky item and still very much my style and very comfy. Also I need another leather jacket, my old of kind of… faded into nonexistence…

2 The blue outdoor jacket that kind of looks like one of the cloaks in kingdom hearts but some fool painted it dark blue and so it got thrown out of the world that never was and directly into… a tom tailor outlet store I guess Ummm… Much nostalgia, I guess? Also it has some fluffy clothing parts an is super warm and comfy…

1 … my binder Not really an explanation needed, huh… Just when binder days are there it’s amazing to have it and I feel awesome wearing mine.

 Ships

5-1 Evergreen’s Ever Given

[neighbours-kid]

I Don't Even Know

A global pandemic. Who’d’ve thunk it.

You know, the brain is an interesting thing. It’s funny how it functions.

This semester at uni looked like this: Monday through Wednesday, individual work on my bachelor thesis. The creative writing workshop on Thursday (and three times during the semester also a course for feedback on the thesis progress). Friday again individual work on the thesis.

Knowing myself, I thought, you know what? Get yourself a desk at the library. Just so you get out the house and do that stuff in an environment that doesn’t look like home. So you might get stuff done. Obviously, I also got distracted there. People existing around me, interesting books all around, a laptop with internet.

But my point is, this semester the only thing I have to do is write a bachelor thesis. Which I can do all by myself, no need to go to any courses really, or have any class work. All I need is me, my brain, my laptop, my books, and time.

Now here’s the kicker: I still have all of that. I was smart, brought all my books home before it was even official that the university would close for this term, that classes would be held online as much as possible. I have me, my brain, my laptop, my books. And I have time.

My deadline is May 29. The term started February 19. It is now April 05. I’ve been self-isolating for 20 days now. And I’ve got…nothing, really? I have loads of post-it’s in loads of books. I’ve got a document with links in it. I’ve got a whatsapp group chat with myself with more links and notes. I’ve got three papers with some mind maps on them. But…I haven’t really written a single word? For my thesis? Not a single of the 15k words I have to write?

But wouldn’t this be the perfect time?

You know what I have done? I’ve read a bunch of books. I’ve watched a bunch of tv. I am playing video games. But mostly, I am lying on ikea furniture and blankets in my windowsill, leaning halfway out onto the roof, napping in the sun, like a fucking cat.

My social medias are currently doing the following few things: Some people say “now’s the time to be creative! To do thing’s you’ve always meant to do but never got around to! Like learning a new language! Drawing! Creating! Reading!” Other voices say “don’t feel like you need to accomplish anything right now! This is an extraordinary time and what you need to do is take care of yourself, look after yourself and your mental health. Don’t stress!” And again others are just outraged at everything, looking for who to blame and what to do and where to send help and lots and lots of politics.

And I am just sitting here, like? I should be able to do this? It’s not like I don’t have the material and the time that I need? More so, now that I’m not losing time going to the university library, I have more time, really? And I’m lucky compared to other people, because I don’t have to try have online classes, I am not constantly on zoom calls, trying to do the near impossible like having seminar discussions with spotty internet and bad sound equipment. My only job is to read books about a topic and write a paper. A very long paper, but just a paper, really.

But it’s the brain, see? It’s a funny thing, that wet blob of knowledge wedged into my skull. It doesn’t function particularly well when the whole world is suddenly going basically insane.

I was so enthusiastic about this thesis. I was so passionate about this topic. And in some ways, I still am. I want to write this. I want to write about Good Omens and about the relationship that Crowley and Aziraphale have and how that is portrayed in both the book and the show. I want to write about what an inherently queer story that is, and how that can be seen. I want to write about queer theory and queer theology and how those views and ideas can be used to read that book. I really do want to write about that. But I feel like I’m even more roadblocked than I am usually when writing a paper. I know that I am a procrastinator and that, generally, I work better once the deadline comes closer because some switch in my brain gets flipped over that basically gives me a no-bullshit-override and I get the work done and it’s decent work.

But I don’t know. I’m so stumped. I try to read my books for the thesis, try to figure out what I want to say, and I just. I’m not getting anywhere, I don’t think. I read a chapter, maybe, and then I put the book aside because I get to sleepy, I get so tired and I can’t concentrate, and so I just nap. And when it’s time for dinner I eat something and then I play some Animal Crossing or I watch a show or a movie or some stand-up.

I was so excited for this.

And all I can hear is the voices all over the internet, yelling over each other. Take your time, relax! You have time now! Be creative, paint! Draw! Bake! Now’s the time!

But no. Nothing’s changed for me, except that I try not to go outside. That I can’t go to the library to do my work. But other than that it’s still the same. I have books to read. A thesis to write. Deadline May 29. No changes.

I should be sending my supervisor a working table of contents. I should be writing a chapter so that I have one to present in the next colloquium where we get feedback on it. I have two months left only to write this thesis. And I’m just…swimming. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know.

These are some weird fucking times and I feel like I’m existing in a weird sort of vacuum. Time has become irrelevant. Days are meaningless. The sun rises and the sun sets and that’s all I really care about at the moment.

I just….I don’t know.

I guess, stay safe out there, friends? Stay healthy. Be kind to yourselves and each other. Take care. Do what you gotta do to feel less like you’re going insane. It’s all we’ve got right now, really. Just. Trying to stay as sane as possible. Whatever that means for you.

Be well. Love y’all.

[thephantomofthe-internet]

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Stripper!Billy Hargrove x Reader

Summary: On the whims of a drunk group of bridesmaids and the bride to be, you went to Studz and found your own Romeo...too bad you already knew him.

Word Count: 2,772

Warnings: swearing, drinking, sexy dancing (is that a warning? idk), minor sexual implications it’s not graphic and i’m a little baby at this so be gentle with me

Author’s note: so did I reach 1.2k? No, but Tumblr is trying to censor safe sexuality and I want to see how far I can go writing wise before I start making plans. If this gets flagged, I will make an AO3 and give y’all the user so we can keep getting weird, ya know? Anyway, hope you like this mess! I tried 😫😫😫

Permanent Tag: @hotstuffhargrove @hargrovesgoldilocks @denimjacketkisses @lilmissperfectlyimperfect @casaharrington @moonstruckhargrove (you ain’t usually on this tag but...I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOUR LOVE) @thechickvic @alex--awesome--22

FEEDBACK APPRECIATED AND ENCOURAGED!!!

Your cousin Elizabeth was getting married. Twenty-three years old, barely out of college, and engaged to the richest guy you knew. Your mother was never going to let you hear the end of it. You and her were the same age and practically grew up together and your mother believed that she was the standard every girl should live to. She was pretty, decently smart, and popular. She was a high school cheerleader, an honour roll student; she volunteered at animal shelters and had just graduated from college with a degree social work. You were a mediocre student, a college dropout, and, thus far, a failed actress. You were a failure of a daughter and your mother had seemingly given up on you.

So when Elizabeth asked you to be one of her bridesmaids, your mother wouldn’t hear the end of it unless you said yes. You agreed, begrudgingly, dropping too much money on a magenta taffeta nightmare to wear once and answered every upset phone call from the anxious bride to be. You had been given the highly important role of planning the bachelorette party. Naturally, the large hoard of rich North-eastern girls were only coming to you for this because you lived in LA and they were ready to bask in the glitz and glamour of Hollywood, refusing to believe that you didn’t actually live at its centre. And so Elizabeth dragged Vivian, Olivia, Kimmy, Maria, and Amber to your shit hole apartment and tried to not complain about it or your plans, although they were already over it and you before the clock struck eight.

You had decided on one thing and one thing only-you would not take them to a strip club. You’d go anywhere else-tourist traps, filthy clubs and bars- you’d even sneak them onto a movie set if it meant the whole thing would be over sooner. Just no strip clubs.

And you didn’t take them to one. Elizabeth’s maid of honour, Vivian, dragged you all out to the nearest club, advertising the hottest guys in town. You were forced into what was perceived as the hottest dress you owned, a short neon nightmare you bought in college, and pushed out the door despite your pleas. You didn’t want to be in a grimy strip club, certainly not with your cousin and her bridesmaids, all various degrees of drunk.

And Studz was not a nice club. If you had wanted to take them to a club, you would’ve taken them to a Chippendale’s, it would have at least been cleaner and a bit busier. Inside the dingy club, with its sticky tables and tiny stage, you were one of three occupied tables. Vivian had chosen a table at the front of the stage, a prime location for viewing the milk crates the club was calling a stage, but the other two parties seemed intriguing.

One was filled with what you could only assume were regulars, an intriguing mix of tough looking women with buzz cuts and sour expressions guarding a trio of grinning, excited boys each with their own sense of style, all of which your mother would’ve called feminine or, as politely as she could, queer, and your father would’ve called…well, you wouldn’t use that word.

The other table was a group of nervous looking women, all old enough to have children old enough to at least in middle school and surrounded by tall orange drinks, which you’d guess were ‘Sex on the Beach’es, knowing the fruity gradient well enough from the drunk barely-legals who came to your bar. They all seemed awkward and embarrassed, the same feeling you felt sitting in the dark room where drinks were twice as expensive and the music blared in your ears. You might’ve been able to handle it if you weren’t forcefully decked out in bachelorette party gear bought angrily by Olivia, peeved that you hadn’t bought any for the group. You had on a white sash which read in glittery pink text ‘I’m the single one’, advertising you like a prime piece of real-estate and not a broke loser. You felt silly and sad, you wished you had just put your foot down and said no. But still you stayed, nursing an insanely overpriced jack and coke through a penis shaped straw, listening as the girls chattered on.

“So anyway, Y/N, this is how you throw a bachelorette party! We want Lizzie to be surrounded by insanely hot dudes for one more night before she ties Stevie down forever. One last night of sexy adventures for our gorgeous bride to be!” Vivian declared cockily, pointing at the giggling Elizabeth, already drunk from the giant Cosmo in front of her and the five jello shots she’d taken at your apartment, the one thing you’d done right so it seemed.

“Whatever you say…” you muttered, rolling your eyes as you spun the melting ice around in your glass. Suddenly, the lights in the bar dimmed impossibly further and the stage lights flashed on, first in a spinning disco ball of bright rainbow coloured lights.

“Alright ladies, let’s give a big welcome to Armando!” the announcer slash bartender called from the microphone on the rail, barely looking up from his copy of Proust. You clapped politely as the bridesmaids cheered, though not as loud as the mismatched table, where the boys of the group lit up like Christmas trees and hollered loudly. The sultry, sticky sounds of Def Leopard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me blasted from the speakers. A larger man with a beautiful tan stepped on stage. He wasn’t exactly rippling in muscles, but he was fit and his fade was lined up nicely. He was dressed as a construction worker, complete with a hard hat. He looked confident, but you could see the Vaseline he’d used to define and brighten his abs caking in between the muscles; most men would’ve used baby oil, but he was trying to appear fitter than he actual was and the trick seemed to work, Kimmy, Elizabeth’s childhood best friend was already openly drooling over him.

His set was awkward and jerky, you were certain it was one of his first shows, and he tended to rely on pelvic thrusts instead of a variety of moves. When the bar cut the song, you were able to count the money he’d earned sitting sadly on the stage floor.

The rest of the numbers were about the same. Next came Carlos, who the back table seemed to be a big fan of. One of the boys, decked in a bedazzled muscle tank, screamed out “I love you Carlos!” in a feminine voice with a slight Puerto Rican accent, clapping above his head. Then Julian, Stefan, Emilio, and Cole all decked out in various ‘sexy’ outfits; poor Emilio was stuck in a weak Native American costume as though he was a member of The Village People.  The whole thing was embarrassing and awkward but as Elizabeth and her friends got drunker and drunker, they seemed to enjoy it more and more. Poor Maria had seemingly fallen in love with Stefan and, after running a shaky hand over his greasy, hairless chest, declared that she wanted to have his baby and spent all her cash on him. When he didn’t come around after his set, she pouted and drank more to fill the void.

Then, everything got improbably darker. At one point, Vivian had snuck off to talk to the emcee and returned with a smug, proud smile, which worried you. You were the only sober person left in the group and thus the babysitter of the girls, watching drinks and keeping hold of those drunk enough to pounce on a dancer.

“There’s a bachelorette party in the house!” the emcee called, earning polite claps from the other tables and hoots and hollers from the girls surrounding you. “Well, we have a treat for you! Welcome to the stage, Romeo!”

First, in the darkness, someone brought out a chair and when the lights came up again, The Divinyl’s I Touch Myself began to blast out of the speakers and out from the sparkling red curtains came a man dressed in leather chaps, the most attractive of the group. His back was to the audience, his muscular legs and butt on full display, his right hand reaching up to the microphone descending from the ceiling, taking it easily.

“I’d like to invite the lovely bride to be up for a dance.” He said huskily and your heart stopped. You knew that voice, it stuck in your brain like a thorn. Billy Hargrove. You should’ve recognized him from the still present mullet. But how could you? Why on earth would you believe him to be anywhere near you, in the Valley of all places? Elizabeth was being forced to her feet by Vivian; this was obviously her master plan from the start to give her dear friend one last thrill.

But this thrill was unwanted, as it seemed. Elizabeth was trying very hard to force her thin wrsit out of Vivian’s grasp and begging anyone nearby to help. Naturally, you jumped into action, pulling Vivian away from her.

“Y/N! Y/N I can’t do it! I don’t wanna cheat on Stevie! I don’t wanna do this!” she cried, tears welling in her bright green eyes. You nodded, taking her hand, and squeezing it in your own.

“Okay, okay sit down you don’t have to. We’ll go home, okay? We’ll go, just calm down.” You said sternly as she nodded, teary eyed.

“Don’t ruin the fun, Y/N.” Vivian said crossly, scoffing at Elizabeth’s tears. “Here, if you’re so hell bent on being the centre of attention, you go.” Before you could even try to retort her idea, you were being pushed to the stage the girls were screaming with delight. Billy was looking down at you with a smirk and a hand extended to you. When your nervous expression met his confident leer, his smirk dropped away.

He recognized you.

You and Billy weren’t exactly friends in high school. He’d come to Hawkins, Indiana in your second last year of high school and joined your graduating class with all the anger and hatred of a boy forced out of his home. He took that anger out on anyone who didn’t play his games and you weren’t one to play along. It was all because you wouldn’t do the entire English project you’d been assigned his partner for. You wanted to split the work even, he wanted to do nothing and get a great grade. In the end, he got a shit grade and tormented you for the rest of high school. It wasn’t as bad as what he did to nerdier kids, who’d get pushed around and the shit kicked out of them for the entire year while he was there. Your torment matched Steve Harrington’s; sure he mostly left you alone, but he definitely made his mark on your mind. He called you Blow Pop for a whole year, based on the baseless rumour that you’d sucked off your gym teacher, Mr. Carlson, who while being a young, hot man was a notoriously easy marker and not worth sleeping with to get a good grade. Although in retrospect, that was probably the kicker of the whole rumour.  Your reputation was ruined for the rest of school and even now the kids of Hawkins, now adults, still knew you as Blow Pop.

And you hated him for it, the whole thing left a sour taste in your mouth. He was so hot, you noted it the second he arrived, but his attitude was so awful that it ruined the rest of him. And once you were Blow Pop, you lost all interest in him, no matter how tight his jeans were.

You wanted to run, but you couldn’t abandon the drunken girls cheering you on, so you used his hand to pull yourself onstage and saunter over to the chair. “Well, come on Romeo, give me a show.” You said through a gritted smile, taking your seat in the chair. Billy nodded, matching your uncomfortable expression.

He started into his number, pulling off his ridiculous leather vest, throwing it offstage and revealing more of his well oiled chest. He rolled his body, running a hand up his chest and through his hair, running his tongue over his lips with a smirk. You watched the girls as they hollered, sticking dollar bills into the waistband of his chaps, lapping up his attention. This continued for most of the song, thrusting and grinding into the open air, ripping off the legs of this chaps, revealing his black jockstrap and earning whoops from the whole bar. You wanted to laugh at the whole scene, to find it awful and gross, and it kind of was; here was this guy who ruled your high school dancing in front of you for cash. But mostly, it was hot. Like, really, really hot. He was honestly too good at this, it made the back of your neck sweat and your nerves burst into flames. You mind ran wildly with dirty images and thoughts you couldn’t get away from if you tried; rationale wasn’t quelling the fire he’d lit in your stomach. He only turned back to you when the coda hit, lip-syncing along with the words. He rolled his lips over yours, straddling you gently and running his hands over your arms, bringing your hands to touch his chest and abs.

“This is really weird…” you muttered, more to yourself than him, letting your smile drop away into a look you hoped didn’t come off as completely lustful and desperate, hoping he’d either stop or finally touch you. Of course, he did neither.

“It’ll be over soon, just till the last chorus, then you’re free.” He replied softly, thrusting into you gently. “Just touch my abs, it’ll give your friends something to laugh about and earn me better tips.”

You obeyed, running a hand over him as he got up, coming behind you to give this look of longing in your reach. You let out a heated sigh, which was mostly fake, letting your head lull to the side as you sighed, earning a scream from Elizabeth, who’d long stopped crying.

“You’re really sticky.” You whispered and you swore for a brief moment, Billy broke, his smirk turning into a tiny smile he was working hard to hold back. He came back around, pulling your hands to rest on his hips as he went back to thrusting and wriggling. You chuckled “And you’re wearing glittery eyeliner, what a treat I’m getting today.” Just as he was about to stand, the song coming to an end, you ran your ring finger up his spine. He shivered involuntarily, his gaze coming back down to you, quirking his eyebrow.

Billy didn’t like that you were here. He didn’t like that he was dancing on you. And he certainly didn���t like how absolutely gorgeous you’d become. Sure, he remembered you well enough from high school, but if he hadn’t? He probably would’ve taken you home and screwed your brains out. It left this uneasy tension for the whole dance. Usually, he’d focus on the bride to be, but with you being so…different and obviously not being the bride herself, he found himself keeping a distance to keep him professional. But he couldn’t stop the shiver when you touched him on your own. And you noticed, you smirked at him liked you’d found some secret trick. He wanted so badly to wipe that smirk off your lips.

You shrugged easily as he looked at you curiously, standing as the song ended and pulling the wad of dollar bills Amber had given you from your bra, handing it to him easily as you walked off. You jumped off the stage, grinning as your fellow bridesmaids screamed, coming to hug you and grab your arm, declaring that he was so hot.

“Come on girls, my hands are all sticky now, let’s get out of here.” You said, pulling your purse off the back of the chair, walking off towards the exit. For a brief moment, you looked back, desperate for another look.

Billy was already gone, much to your disappointment, it was as though you’d dreamt him and you’d wake up at home drenched in sweat and soaked. He might as well have puffed into a cloud of smoke and glitter and vanished, the chair was gone too. But you knew it happened. And you felt so stupid-you’d just been played by a stripper.

[estelofimladris]

My Longest Day Ever in Fandom

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours for me as a fan. Really they’ve been pretty bad in the scope of me being a person, but in my fandom experience, this shit takes the cake.

** WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR The Magicians as well as some minor spoilers for Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Flash, and Supergirl. **

** ALSO: This shit gets super personal. Don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable. **

I get that I’m specifically interested in stories of struggle and triumph. I thrive with stories about how the things worth having aren’t easily obtained. And sometimes people fail and sometimes people lie. There are horrible obstacles and things to conquer.

A bit of my fandom-inflicted past:

Will Turner was my favorite Pirates character. We had tickets not only to the three-movie marathon on opening day, but then the midnight screening. I nearly didn’t go to the second screening.

Sirius Black is why I got into Harry Potter. I got into it at the weird middle place when the books were still coming out and the movies were being made. I had been forced to read the first book when it was first published and it had left a very bad taste for me so the fact that anything could draw me into the fandom was insane. I watched Prisoner of Azkaban entirely by chance while hanging with my cousins and had read all the books by the time Goblet of Fire was released. I lived in and loved a fandom where my favorite character was dead before I even got a chance to know him.

Grant Ward was one of my two my favorite Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters. I rushed a Ward cosplay for WonderCon, which happened to be scheduled about a week after the release of Captain America: The Winter Soldier and less than a week after the AoS episode “Turn, Turn, Turn” aired, revealing that Ward was a brainwashed and abused Hydra sleeper agent the whole time. I then nearly scrapped the entirely completed cosplay. Instead I wore it to WonderCon and had people whispering “Hail Hydra” to me all weekend.

I spent at least three years living with a TV curse. Every show that I watched before its renewal for a second season was cancelled. To this day, I struggle to watch new shows because I fear that I will fall in love with a show only for it to be cancelled.

In the past year, I have lost 5 of my favorite characters to sudden deaths/departures:

Bucky Barnes (Avengers: Infinity War)

Harry Wells (The Flash)

Leo Fitz (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Winn Schott (Supergirl)

And this is about the most recent one, Quentin Coldwater (The Magicians)

I also know that there are more to come:

Avengers: Endgame comes out next week.

Arrow is ending at the end of this year.

There are more stories of woe and uncomfortable spaces in which we want to see our favorites succeed and they fail or lose or die. But this, this is more than just someone failing or losing or dying.

I survived all that other shit. I was a little off for a few days following or weeks or months or even years. But we always come back to Fandom. Maybe not the same fandom, but the big idea of Fandom. Being a fan isn’t something you can really just stop.

I got into The Magicians because of serendipity. Two of my closest friends got into the show at some point last year and had mentioned that I’d liked it, but it was one in a malaise of fandoms that I’d been told that about and I only have so many hours in the day and space in my heart. One of the people I was rooming with at SDCC this last year had freshly gotten into the show and was going to the panel. Another of my friends was going to the panel as well who had freshly gotten into the show. When I asked about it afterwards, the lovely human said they’d met a lovely other new fan. My friends had met entirely by chance at the panel and I got to hear all about how lovely the fandom was and that it was a really great panel with a lot of promise for the new season.

I got home from SDCC and, one day while curious, watched the pilot of The Magicians.

I finished the show in less than three weeks. I watched it again. I’ve probably watched this show more than any other media since August.

A bit of background about me and why this show struck a very deep chord with me:

I met my entire close group of friends, my found family, because of Lord of the Rings. I learned Sindarin (elvish) in high school. Every screen name I have is related to my love and foundation of loving Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo in elvish.

I grew up around a lot of mental illness. I myself have been diagnosed and treated for adolescent/adult ADD, but members of my family as well as every best friend I’ve ever had, has been depressed and most were suicidal. I had to confront my best friend over suicide attempts at 13. My brother was treated for extremely aggressive childhood depression when I was a kid.

I’m also queer. Still working to unstick myself from some definitions I’ve given myself, but I’m definitely genderqueer and androphilic and exploring my romantic identity in part because of this show.

I’ve delt with death my whole life. My first grandparent (maternal grandfather) died when I was 5 or 6. My last grandparent (paternal grandmother) died when I was 22. I had a dear friend die in a motorcycle accident in 2015. I’ve been there for people who have lost loved ones suddenly and held people’s hands through the deaths of parents, loved ones, and children.

I also am about to complete my third and final year of an insanely rigorous graduate costume design program.

This show felt like it was made for me to love it. It made it so easy.

The fandom was a loving community that welcomed me immediately and I have thrived there. I would come home from a crazy day at school, put on an episode of the show, and get lost in the lovely fandom that I’d found myself in. I mean that both ways. Yes, I tripped and fell and found myself among excellent people. But more importantly, I found myself in ways I didn’t expect through The Magicians.

Through a series of very unfortunate events, I stopped reading Fan Fiction about 7 or 8 years ago. I would occasionally write something, but nothing that I cared about what anyone thought about it. It was only writing that had to be written not writing for an audience in any way.

The Magicians got me reading Fan Fiction again. I drew fan art. I participated in discussions on the meta. I joined in when I don’t really have the free time, but it felt so good.

In Quentin in particular, I found a part of myself that was seldom voiced. This melancholy nerd who was Doing His Very Best™ all the time tapped into the kid who loved something so much it transformed their life. It spoke to the parts of me that I don’t talk about that feel like a fraud and a floundering fool. The Magicians told me that I’m not some pathetic thing. That I’m part of my world and that I belong. That it’s ok to re-think about sexuality and romance as an adult. It spoke to my struggles with school and creating something from absolutely fucking nothing.

Something that I’ve not told many people: I’ve struggled with feeling worthy of love. I’ve had some really big relationships that ended poorly and ever since coming out as genderqueer and living my truth, I’ve been single. Watching Quentin be so worthy of love and struggle with that himself, he really shifted my views on relationships.

So, Wednesday was, needless to say, rough.

The fun twist though, I have a mandatory class on Thursday mornings. I had a lot of anxiety about this finale already because I had a notion that something horrible was going to happen because its a Magicians finale. I really struggled to work on homework for the past week. (I texted a friend on Wednesday “How am I supposed to work under these conditions!?” partway through the day.)

This anxiety resulted in not all of my homework being done by the time I had set aside to cook a delicious dinner and settle in to watch the episode with friends. So at the end, after I had cried, drank, nearly threw up from being upset, and was all-in-all a complete wreck, I then proceeded to work on homework until I couldn’t, then I put myself to bed with an alarm set to wake up early and finish, but woke up with a nearly-vomiting anxiety attack (which I don’t get ever) an hour before my alarm.

I finished my homework on my 1.5 hours of sleep, went to class, tried to be eloquent and not burst into tears. I sorta succeeded at both, thankfully. My work was... sub-par, but present, which was the only real requirement. Despite some close calls, I didn’t cry until I was in my car driving home.

I got home, cried a lot, tried to eat and sleep (and failed at both) and ended up having a second wake with another friend and drinking, which finally made me fall asleep.

Throughout the day, I seriously considered deleting every Magicians post from my queue and even my Tumblr as a whole. I thought about dropping out of fandom entirely, including conventions, cosplay - all of it. I thought about selling or donating all of the considerable amount of Magicians merch and related items (cosplay, decor, fan-made merch) that I’ve accumulated in the past few months. I thought about shaving off the hair that I grew out specifically for Quentin that helped me re-shape my queer identity over the past few months.

I woke up in the middle of the night again with more panic attacks. It took sitting with my best friend to make me really fall asleep and stay asleep.

Today, I’m looking back at this whole experience up to this point and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of crying over something that just brought me so much deep joy. I miss my fandom. We’re all in mourning and its chilling.

I decided somewhere in my insanity yesterday that I need to reclaim The Magicians that I loved. I posted about how it will take time, but they can’t kill the love that transformed my life.

I’m still not sure how to get out of this horrible raw place, but I know time will help. And actually eating a real meal.

I’m sharing all of this because I’m not the only one in this place. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.

I see you. I feel you.

Thank you for being a part of this fandom that has so heavily enriched my life. You are loved. We will find ourselves again.