#It ended just in time and looking at the results of this data I can only conclude that I cannot escape from American politics

[plotholes-and-spellingerrors]

I think the thing is that, fundamentally, there's no such thing as running an "AI" locally. (I'm assuming that when you say "AI" you're referring to the "generative" models where a user makes a natural-language request, e.g. "re-organize my business", and the model outputs an org chart or something.) The problem is that these models require so much compute that you basically cannot run them on a personal computer. If you saw that post going around talking about Windows quietly turning on constant system snapshots to run it's AI assistant, the article pointed out that some features were only available on machines with specially beefed-up processors and memory, and even then, internet connectivity was vital because it was sending data back to Microsoft to be processed - that was part of the privacy/security risk, that images potentially displaying passwords, etc., were being stored on Microsoft servers. The point being, you need massive server farms to ingest, store, and analyze the data that these models are being built on - and it never ends, or the model becomes stale. And even once you have the model, calculating a response is also incredibly resource intensive. That's why every single Google AI result takes so much more water and electricity than the entirety of the actual search results combined.

I have shared the link before, but I am begging people to listen to the "Data Vampires" miniseries from Tech Won't Save Us. They make clear very early on that the reason Microsoft, Google, and Amazon are pushing AI so much is because they are data center companies: they make money every time a service uses their data centers. And you know where ChatGPT and MidJourney results are being processed? On Microsoft and Google and Amazon's data centers. In fact, a lot of the "money" that these companies are investing into GenAI orgs is actually just donating server usage to them, to get them locked in on those servers, which will then need to be paid for. So the GenAI companies have to find a way to get people to pay for AI services, because they're paying for AI compute power.

The other thing, and I cannot stress this enough, is that these are not knowledge models. They are very sophisticated duplication models. If you say to the "AI", "Make my workflow simpler", it doesn't have a semantic understanding of what "simpler" means (and it certainly can't ask for clarification). All it can do is look at its massive data set and try to predict a version of whatever it is outputting that is associated with the string of letters "simpler", based on a bunch of stuff that has previously been labeled as "simple" (or similar words). So you might get a work flow that has fewer steps, for example, but what the "AI" might not realize (because it doesn't have a concept of what any of the steps are) is that maybe it's actually added that are meaningless, maybe it's just shuffled some steps to it looks like there's fewer but actually it's just hidden a couple... or maybe it's eliminated some vital error-checking steps that 98% of the time result in nothing (it looks like a waste of time, so simplify it out) but 1.7% of the time catches something minor (oh good, that would have wasted resources to fix) and 0.3% of the time catches something mission-critical (this error could have brought us to bankruptcy/court/prison). And keep in mind, the person asking an automated system to simplify their business workflow is NOT the person who designed the workflow and knows what needs to be in there (if they were, they wouldn't need a computer to tell them how to fix it) - they're the person trying to not need to pay someone to design the workflow.

And for that matter, a lot of what happens when some "AI" system is inserted into a process is that it's still doing the same task (just at a much higher computational requirement, and potentially wrong), but it looks simpler because the human user is only clicking one button rather than five.

And look, I'm all for automating tasks that are repetitive and time-consuming for a human - that's the whole point of computers in the first place. But a truly effective and efficient replacement for human work is one that was designed by people who are intimately familiar with the required tasks and thinking deeply about how to make their jobs easier.

You know, these techbros love to make it sound like humans are just bad at making systems, computers will be so much better at it, but I think that's a lie they tell because they want to make one generic product and get everyone to buy it. That's the promise of "general artificial intelligence" - it's one system that can do everything. But what else in life works like that? Do you put your clothes and your dishes in the same washing device? Something that does a lot of things well is typically very simple. You can fry an egg and boil water in the same pan because it's a bent piece of metal sitting over heat. An espresso machine, however, will have a harder time with the egg. Good software generally focuses on doing one thing - the difference is whether that one thing is simple and can be applied to a lot of different things (Firefox renders web content, it just happens that you can have all kinds of stuff on the web) or if that one thing is extremely specific (Audacity edits music and GIMP edits images - audio and images are both data types that Firefox can show you, but can you imagine what a mess GIMPdacity would be?); the problem is that this specialization requires human effort, and these techbros do not want to PAY for human effort; the problem is that this specialization means that you have target audiences, and these techbros want to sell to a general (read: bigger) audience. And conversely, those byzantine systems that are so terrible? Often it's not because people are just dumb, it's because either the job is a very complicated one, and the system is tailored to success in that task, or because someone wanted a general system that accomplishes all kinds of things, and often what they want accomplished is METRICS so that the efficiency of the business can be micromanaged. But that's another story for another time. In short, don't ever let someone who is trying to sell you bullshit tell you the lie that you couldn't do better on your own.

Anyway, IDK if this is really even what OP meant, it's just where my mind went. If you put up with me to the end, thanks for reading.

MAN, can you imagine the clusterfuck of working at a company that’s become reliant on an AI layer between itself/its employees, and knowing how to do their jobs and use their systems and stuff? Like when that AI layer goes down, poof, you’re all hosed. And they don’t strike me as super robust…

I guess there are ways of training and running them locally, but they’re so seductive they’re definitely going to be deployed in places that aren’t up to the task of maintaining them in a sane state. Like… damn… cutting headcount in favor of relying on AI is like. A raccoon stuffing its head into a yogurt container. This is gonna be killing off organizations in a few years.

Unless AI gets good at destroying preexisting fucked up byzantine workflows and replacing them with simpler, human-friendly ones. That would be okay. But it is gonna irrevocably destroy a lot of records and botch a lot of database migrations on its way there.

[pompombot]

Continuation of yesterday while I wait for a process to run...

Shuanshuan thinks he's helping his mysterious new friend who's having trouble moving around on his own, while Yi's just thinking about the Apemen germs and diseases (although I assume it took him a few days to conclude that there was nothing wrong with them).

[prokopetz]

I'm not gonna claim that most Tumblr polls are anything like rigorously structured, but I've seen a lot of folks rather smugly asserting that having a "not applicable" option that ends up dominating all other responses is evidence that the person who created the poll is incompetent, and y'all: under the specific circumstances in which these polls are constructed and distributed, that outcome is evidence of good poll design, not bad poll design. Yes, even when the "not applicable" responses outnumber all other responses ten to one. There are several reasons for that:

At the time of this posting, Tumblr polls have no "see response" button. The only ways to see a poll's distribution of responses are to wait for the poll to conclude, or to respond yourself – and not only are people on social media typically curious and impatient, many of them also know that there's no way they'll remember to check back later once the poll has concluded, so in practice, their opportunity to see the results is now or never. Adding a little note to the poll insisting that people who aren't part of the targeted demographic should refrain from voting isn't necessarily going to restrain that impulse. Indeed, it may end up encouraging folks who otherwise wouldn't have picked a random result-revealing response to do so, because fuck you, don't tell me what to do.

Many respondents genuinely won't realise they're not part of the targeted demographic until after they've voted. It doesn't matter how much text you add to contextualise the poll, because they'll read the poll first, and if they read the accompanying text at all, it's only after they've responded. Heck, a lot of folks don't even bother to read the question before responding to a poll; they just start going down the options and reflexively click the first one that seems like it might apply to them, then go back and read what was actually being asked (and complain in the notes if it turns out that they misunderstood). Even a well-meaning person can only comply with instructions they've actually read; for those folks, clicking the "not applicable" option is what compliance looks like.

Even folks who do fit your poll's targeted demographic can fall prey to the imp of the perverse. Giving the most accurate response rather than the most entertaining one can be a real struggle for a lot of folks; in scientific analysis of polling data, this is known as the "mischievous responder bias". In an informal setting like Tumblr, it's reasonable to suppose that the mischievous responder effect might be exaggerated compared to polls conducted in more formal contexts, and a well-designed poll is going to take that into account. A humorous "not applicable" option provides an escape by affording folks the freedom to screw around with the knowledge that they're not polluting useful data by doing so; in practice, the "I am a toaster" option is a mischievous response filter.

What this adds up to is that a poll where 90% of the responses hit the "not applicable" button is more likely to have yielded useful data than a poll with a narrow target audience where some unknown percentage of the responses represent folks not reading the instructions, clicking random options to see the results, and/or taking the piss.

[visenyaism]

Dany advisor tier list?

Just for you I made you a rubric. I did not include “could reasonably be called a good advisor�� because I think many of them would disqualify. Poor kid.

Here is my ranking based on said points.

12. Viserys- 3. Despite my best efforts to rig this shit, Viserys ends up last. I remembered the reason why Dany is attached to Jorah at all isnt because he is reliable or a good advisor but because he is only slightly more reliable and less of an active threat than Viserys at the time.

11. Warlocks of the House of the Undying- 3.5 if you count prophetic dreams as good advice.

10. Jorah- 4. Fun fact when I was reading dance for the first time and he showed back up again and was reintroduced hiring a sex worker who looks just like Dany I had to put the book down and go for an hourlong calm down walk up a mountain before I continued because I got too mad.

9. Hizdahr- 4. He understands how Mereen works and is pretty honest about it to Daenerys at the cost of. you know. trying to use her as a pawn the whole time and not caring if she lives or dies. Also maybe tried to poison her.

8. Green Grace- 5-6, depending on if she is the harpy or not. Even if she isn’t she has a clear vendetta against her and is actively trying to manipulate her.

7. Mirri Maaz Dur- 5. She did teach Dany some lessons worth remembering but made sure that those lessons would be traumatic enough that Daenerys would do the exact opposite of it forever and maybe engineer her own downfall as a result, which I guess does accomplish Mirri’s goal. Highest ranking of the people who have actively tried to kill her.

6. Irri and Jhiqui- 6. Why are they still interchangeable after 5 books. Can they get some character arcs. Please. Rank lower because they don’t give her much advice.

5. Rahkaro and the Bloodriders- 6. They don’t seem to give her much advice, but they don’t seem to get much screen time anyway. Again can the dothraki characters not have any depth is that not allowed.

6. The Shavepate- 6.5. may have tried to poison her, jury is still out. If he was in anyone else’s arc, you would be like wow he’s a terrible advisor, but this is a competitive category for Daenerys, so middle of the pack.

5. Daario- 6.5. Daenerys has questionable taste in men because she is fifteen and been through a lot so she thinks this is all her choice and very exciting. But someday when she is older, she is going to look back on this and realize that someone should’ve intervened.

4. Quaithe-7 pending more data on who she is and what she wants. What is your deal girl.

3. Barristan- 7. Half points for “not being a pedophile” and “understands westerosi geopolitics” those are dubious. He is knightpilled and societybrained to the point of near-delusion and the fact that he ranks so high speaks less to his qualifications and more to the fact that this poor girl has had some really terrible advisors.

2. Missandei- 8. but again she is eleven.

1. Grey Worm- 9. Thanks mister worm. Unfortunately Jacob Anderson was still wasted on your role in the show.

[fanfictionlibrary01]

AO3 works being stolen and posted on rivd.net

What is happening, and what you can do. Check for edits with additions at the end of the post!

We've posted these infos in our Discord server, but want to make them accessible for more of you AO3 and fanfic folks out there. What is happening? A user called "Fanfic Books" on the site https://rivd.net is posting over a million of fanfics since May 18th (account creation time of that user), all of which seem to be stolen from AO3 users. You can check if your works were stolen by searching your AO3 username on that site. Reporting this on the site is tedious, and contains so much requested data and personal (sensitive) information about you that is just seems sketchy and like they want to grab your data to sell it off again. (See this for more on that.) That a virus called "rivd" apparently also exists does not help their case. Since the person posting the works is also listed as Moderator of the website, chances of successful reports are, by our estimation, very small to non-existant. (As you can look up here.) Creating an account on that site is also tedious - after trying it, the feedback was that a moderator needs to approve of my account creation request. How long that is supposed to take is not known. What can you do? We deduced - through admittedly rushed, because we felt like time was of the essence, and and sparce, checks - that people who have their works locked on AO3 have not been affected. (At all/as much is not to say, it's our best hope and theory rn.) We advised our server members to lock their AO3 works for the time being, as that currently seems like the only prevention method available. A great tutorial for how to lock all your AO3 works at once has been posted here. Kudos to this X/Twitter post that seemed to have started the spread of information, and others relaying the infos (like e.g. r/AO3 on Reddit). Edit (0,5h after initial post):

With permission of the author on AO3, here are screenshots from when I checked if their works (unlocked on AO3) were stolen. Searching for works of the FFL Discord server's admin, who has them locked on AO3, resulted no matches on the rivd site - hence the theory/recommendation that locking your AO3 works helps.

Edit 2 (4h after initial post):

There also seems to be a new occurrence that the fanfiction tab has been emptied/does not contain (publically displayed) fanfics anymore. What this means and if the fanfics are really taken down is unclear, but given that the anime fanfic category that once existed is seemingly completely gone, something is being done. Rumor is that a mass report of DMCA at Cloudflare caused this - it feels like a win either way!

Edit 3 (23h after initial post):

It seems like rivd.net is now completely down/inaccessible. See last attached screenshot in this post! No infos on what this means or what caused this are available atm, but like before, it feels like a small win!

[sinofwriting]

Insane Person - Max Verstappen (I ❤️ MILFS verse)

Words: 667 Summary: Max wants to be sure he can give Pan kids. (Part of the I ❤️ MILFS verse) Note(s): Takes place during the original I ❤️ MILFS fic, before Max finds out Pan’s age. Max is insane btw, this has been a blurb idea since I wrote the original fic and finally it has been written so enjoy, lol.

Masterlist | Support Me! | I ❤️ MILFS verse

“I’d love to give Logan a sibling or two.”

The words so soft had made his heart speed up as soon as he heard them and now thinking about them, letting them play on repeat.

It’s early in their relationship, though they haven’t yet talked about it yet, no matter how much Max is dying to do so. But Max wants to be the one that she gives Logan siblings with.

Which is why he’s sitting in front of his computer and looking at medical studies.

A lot of it is going over his head. The most schooling he sat through was the first four or five years of it. He can grasp engineering, anything to do with cars and their data, but medical terminology goes over his head.

He powers through, he doesn’t know Pan’s exact age, his mother would smack him over the head if he even thought to ask her age, but she’s got to to be mid to late thirties if not early forties considering Logan is twenty.

The studies say she’d be fine getting pregnant, shouldn’t have trouble conceiving, and his cheeks burn at the word, at the image it puts in his mind. They haven’t quite got their, but they’ve gotten close. They throw out the term geriatric pregnancy which makes him flinch because forty wasn’t old, at least not if you weren’t a driver and to see it be called something like that felt harsh, rude. Another one calls it advanced maternal age which really isn’t any better, but it’s just relieving to see that’s still possible. And then a study mentions that if people are having trouble conceiving that not only does the person birthing need to get checked, but both do and a new panic takes over his brain.

What if when it came time to try, he was the problem? It would really be his luck. Things had been going very well for the past few years, it would be his luck that he couldn’t give the woman he loves more kids.

And Logan wanted siblings, the panic grows as he remembers Logan chiming in that he’d love some siblings. Oh god, what if he failed in giving Logan siblings? He wanted the younger driver to like him, to really like him.

His fingers act quickly, wanting to know how he can know if he can have kids and the results make him blink because it couldn’t be that easy.

He just had to provide a sample in a cup?

Max’s brain struggles to compute that after just reading everything that women have to go through to get their fertility checked.

His hand goes to his phone, he rarely if ever called his doctor, but this was important.

He goes through the motions of confirming he is who he is, wondering how weird it must be for other people to do this for him before he finally gets asked why for the purpose of the appointment.

“I want to check to see if I can have kids.”

“Okay, are you and your partner having trouble conceiving?”

His cheeks burn, “We aren’t trying yet. I just want to make sure that it’s possible on my end.”

“Okay, it’s a simple procedure at our clinic and we could see you in the next three days if that works for you at any time we are open.”

“That’s perfect.”

“Alright, we’ll see you in a few days, Mr. Verstappen.”

He gets the results back five days after his appointment, an email sitting in his inbox, and he forces himself to take a deep breath before finally opening it.

There are words he doesn’t know, ones he doesn’t really want to think about, but there at the end, a note from his doctor that says everything looks great, and he shouldn’t have troubles getting someone pregnant and his fist goes in the air, a quiet but excited yes leaving him.

He could give Logan siblings and Pan more kids, thank fuck.

[hanniebaeee]

Code Love

Hyunjin x fem!reader

Warnings: nothing!!

Genre: colleagues to lovers, flufffff

Summary: Hyunjin is a brilliant post doc at the lab where you're perusing your PhD. He is such a sweet and sexy genius, and you are completely in love.

a/n : For all my science/research girlies 🤭

It was another late night at the lab. You were squinting at the test tubes in front of you trying to make sense of the results. But you were struggling to concentrate with the way your heart was pounding.

He was just sitting there, at his workstation, effortlessly spinning a pipette between his long, elegant fingers. Nothing for your dramatic heart to pound like that.

“Did you hear me, Y/N?” Hyunjin’s soft voice cut through your thoughts.

“Huh?” you blinked, attempting to act like you hadn’t just been imagining how those fingers would feel on your - never mind.

“I said,” Hyunjin grinned, “you’re incubating that reaction too long.”

“Oh, um, I knew that” you fumbled with the timer, cheeks heating up. “Totally knew that. Thanks, Hyunjin.”

“Sure, no problem,” he said, eyes sparkling like he enjoyed watching you unravel.

God, why was he like this?

That face? Those lips? And that brain? This was unfair. He had to have some flaw - how can a man be this perfect?

“Are you staying late tonight?” he asked casually, leaning back in his chair.

“I have to,” you mumbled. “This experiment is dragging on, and I have to submit the report by the end of the week.”

Hyunjin hummed, and said, “Oh good, I'll have some company then.”

You could literally see him doodling flowers into his book - he had nothing to do here. But yet every time you had to stay in late, he'd be hanging around too. Just the two of you.

Your brain immediately betrayed you, fueling your wild fantasy where he wasn’t staying late for work but because he secretly wanted to spend time alone with you. You were fighting so hard to maintain a shred of professionalism, but it was so hard when he was looking at you like that.

Hyunjin hummed softly under his breath as he continued to doodle, the sound sending tingles down your spine. Of course he was a good singer too. You just didn't understand what the universe even wanted from you anymore.

---

“I swear to God, Ji, if he twirls that pipette one more time, I’m going to launch myself across the lab bench, and just -” You were sprawled on the sofa in Jisung's apartment, sighing dramatically.

Jisung was your work bestie, working in the lab next door to yours. And he was the only one in the world who knew about your extreme devotion to Hyunjin.

Jisung burst out laughing, as he said, “This is bad, babe,”

“Bad? Jisung, I seriously can't even think when he's around.” you said. “Oh my God!!”

“Have you considered just telling him you like him?” Jisung smirked.

“Right, and ruin the perfectly good thing we have going where I pine silently while he ruins me with his brilliance? No, thank you.”

“You’re hopeless.”

---

The next late-night session happened way too soon, where Hyunjin wandered over to your bench, peering at your data from over your shoulder. He leaned in close, the scent of cologne (or whatever pheromones that he's sending your way) invading your senses - it's simply intoxicating.

“Want me to take a look at that?” he asked, “You've been spending way too much time on it.”

“Yeah,” you muttered, trying not to stutter. “It’s just...a lot of noise in the data.”

“Let me see,” he said, pulling a stool next to you. He reached for the keyboard, and your heart fluttered as his fingers brushed yours.

You wanted to cry. Please don't be so sweet and sexy at the same time, you begged internally. You cursed your body for betraying you with every glance while he explained what he was doing. You could feel the tension in your shoulders as you tried to focus on what he was saying.

Get a grip, Y/N, you reminded yourself. This is professional. Stop fantasizing about this ridiculously hot man who’s inexplicably obsessed with helping you.

When he finally looked up, you realized you’d been staring at him the whole time.

“What?” he asked, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

“Nothing... thanks. You’re really good at this,” you stammered.

He tilted his head, studying you for a moment.

“You’re good at this too, Y/N. We all have our bad days. Don’t sell yourself short.” he said, patting your shoulder gently before standing up.

You felt your heart squeeze at the sincerity in his tone, and you watched as he went back to his own seat.

Stop it. He’s being nice. Don’t read into it. Just focus on the work.

But it was so hard not to read into it. The way he leaned closer when he spoke, the way his fingersa brushed against yours when he passed you something, and the way he was always so soft with you.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

“Y/N, I’m begging you. BEGGING. Tell him. I'm sure he's dying to hear it.” Jisung said, smiling at the girl who handed over our coffees at the cafe.

“You don’t get it! I can't risk it, if he's just being nice, then -”

“Babe,” Jisung drawled, “what world do you live in?!”

“Don’t give me hope, Ji.” you sighed as you walked towards your lab, the early morning breeze cool against your skin.

“Hope? The man stays late every time you do, flirts with you nonstop, and compliments you after he does your work for you. At this point, I’m falling for him,” Jisung said, throwing his hands up. “Seriously, babe, if you don’t jump him soon, I might.”

---

The cold room was your least favorite part of the lab. You hated everything about it - the freezing temperature, its claustrophobic size and the damn protein extraction procedure that drained the life out of you.

But here you were, miserably clutching your samples and praying for the nightmare to end soon.

“Y/N?” Hyunjin’s voice echoed through the door as it opened, and you turned to see him stepping in.

Great. Now you were cold and flustered.

“How's the extraction going?” he asked, his tone light as he slipped on his gloves.

“Going wonderfully,” you muttered, shivering despite your layers.

He grinned, coming closer and watching you work.

“Do you want me to take over?” He asked, making you sigh.

“And miss out on the joy of freezing to death? Never,” you joked weakly, and Hyunjin laughed. “You're too nice, Hyunjin. But I've got this.”

“Nice?” he repeated, leaning back slightly but still watching you intently. “You sure about that?”

You froze, suddenly way too aware of how close he was standing. Was he teasing you? Was this flirting?

“I- I mean, yeah,” you stammered, breaking eye contact. “You’re always helping me...”

“Maybe I have my reasons.” Hyunjin tilted his head, his smile softening.

Your heart leapt into your throat as you asked, “Reasons?”

Before he could answer, the door swung open.

“How's your favorite experiment going?” Jisung's loud voice floated in. “Oh, hi Hyunjin!”

You didn't know if you wanted to strangle Jisung for ruining the moment or hug him for saving you from it.

Hyunjin, ever the sweetheart, just laughed and said, “Hi Jisung, I think she's doing just fine,”

“Of course she is,” Jisung said, moving aside for Hyunjin to step out.

“What was that?” He asked as soon as Hyunjin left.

“What are you doing here?!” you hissed. “We were getting somewhere, but also, if you hadn't come I would've fainted. Like I feel so dizzy, my gloves are all wet from sweating-”

“Y/N,” Jisung said, gripping your shoulders and shaking you lightly. “You like him. He obviously likes you. The universe is literally freezing you together in this cold room to force you to act. Next time, please -”

It was barely 5 am, and you groaned as you shuffled into the lab, your hair in a messy bun and sleep still stinging your eyes. But the bacterial cultures didn’t care about your sleep schedule - or lack thereof.

Throwing on your lab coat and gloves with the grace of a zombie, you started checking the growth plates with bleary eyes.

You’d barely managed to finish when Jisung strolled in, carrying two steaming cups of coffee.

“Morning, Sleeping Beauty,” he teased, setting a cup in front of you.

“I love you, Ji,” you muttered, taking the first sip and feeling a spark of life return to your body. “I don't know why I wanted to be a scientist.”

Jisung plopped down next to you, snickering, and started scrolling through his phone while you leaned your head against his shoulder. And he rested his head against yours, before placing a quick peck on your temple.

You were starting to fall asleep, when the lab door creaked open.

You both glanced up to see Hyunjin walk in. His cheeks were pink from the cold and he stopped at the door for a second, his eyes fixed on you.

“Morning,” he greeted, and you gave him a small wave, still too sleepy to form words. Jisung returned the greeting, and then left quickly.

You noticed Hyunjin’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. That's new. He moved to his workstation, setting down his bag and pulling out his laptop.

You sat up straighter, something about Hyunjin’s silence gnawing at you. He didn’t even glance your way, which was unusual.

Hyunjin, meanwhile, was battling a whirlwind of emotions. He knew you and Jisung were close friends - you’d mentioned it so many times. But seeing the way your head rested against his shoulder and Jisung had kissed your temple - it just looked way too intimate. Too cosy.

He hated feeling this way, especially when you weren’t his to begin with. Still, the disappointment twisted in his chest and he didn't know what to do about it. So he focused on his work.

But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop his gaze from drifting back to you.

---

You let it go on till about noon. But it was killing you - you weren't used to this kind of behavior from Hyunjin and it was starting to stress you out. So summoning your courage, you walked over to Hyunjin and said, “Hey,”

He glanced up, his expression neutral as he said, “Hey.”

“You okay?” you asked, trying to keep your tone light. “You're so...quiet.”

“I’m fine. Just a lot on my mind.” Hyunjin said, giving you a small smile.

“You sure?” you pressed, feeling a strange pang of hurt.

He nodded, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah. Don’t worry about me.”

You stood there for a moment, unsure of what to say. He was being so distant, and it left a strange, hollow ache in your chest. Finally, you gave him a small nod and walked back to your seat, feeling totally crushed by his uncharacteristic coolness.

Hyunjin’s silence stretched into the next day. And the day after that. In fact he hadn't spoken more than a couple of words to you in the past two days. And it hurt so much, considering the fact that you don't even know why he was doing this all of a sudden.

You tried to brush it off at first. Maybe he was just busy, or stressed. But the space he was putting between you felt deliberate, like he was doing this on purpose.

Hyunjin, on the other hand, was crumbling inside. He adored you. And that too for long enough that the thought of losing you was nearly unbearable.

You and Jisung were so close. And you looked so comfortable. He couldn't take it. He wasn't going to let his heart shatter like that.

So, he’d made a decision: if he couldn’t have you, he’d rather step back than risk the heartbreak of watching you fall for someone else. Even if it meant burying his feelings.

---

The next morning, you were back in the cold room. You’d been trying to salvage your protein extraction for hours, but nothing was going right. Your hands were trembling as you loaded yet another sample, and your vision blurred with tears of frustration.

“This is so stupid,” you whispered to yourself, your voice cracking. “Why can’t anything just go right for once?”

You sniffled, wiping your cheek with your sleeve, as you continued your monologue.

“I just want my Jinnie back. Why does he hate me now? What did I do wrong?” your voice wavered as you spoke through your tears.

What you didn't see was that the cold room door had opened quietly, and Hyunjin had stepped inside. He froze at the sound of your voice, his chest tightening at the sadness in your words.

Your Jinnie?

Your name slipped from his lips, soft and hesitant, “Y/N?”

You stiffened, your body freezing and your heart racing as you heard his voice.

“What?” you croaked, refusing to turn around, too mortified to meet his eyes.

“Why are you crying?” Hyunjin asked, taking a step closer.

You shook your head, refusing to face him.

“Why do you care?” You asked, and it broke his heart to see you wipe your tears.

“Please don't say that, of course I care-”

“It’s nothing. Just this stupid experiment. And... everything else.”

“Y/N,” he said again, his voice firmer now. “Please. Talk to me.”

You gripped the edge of the table, your knuckles turning white.

“I can’t do this anymore, Hyunjin,” you whispered. “I can’t keep pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. You won't even talk to me, and it’s killing me. I just... I just want my Hyunjinnie back. Just stop hurting me like this.”

The silence that followed was deafening. You felt the tears spill over again, your shoulders trembling as you waited for him to say something. Anything.

And then you felt it.

Warmth. His strong arms wrapping around you from behind, his chest pressing against your back as he pulled you into a tight embrace.

You gasped softly, frozen for a moment before leaning into him, your tears falling freely now.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin whispered, his voice trembling as he buried his face in your shoulder. “I’m so, so sorry.”

You turned your head slightly, just enough to catch a glimpse of his face.

“Why are you mad at me?” you asked. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he said quickly, his hold on you tightening. “It wasn’t you. It was me. I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of losing you,” he admitted, his voice barely audible. “I thought... I thought you and Jisung -”

“Jisung?” you repeated, blinking in confusion. “You know he’s my best friend, Hyunjin. He's like a brother to me.”

“I thought I was protecting myself,” he admitted, his lips close to your ear. “I thought I’d lose you to Jisung, and I couldn’t handle it. But I didn’t realize... I didn’t realize I was hurting you in the process.”

“I can't believe you never saw me thirsting over you, Hyunjin” you said, your voice incredulous. “What are you even saying?!”

Hyunjin let out a shaky laugh, burying his face into your neck. “God, I’m an idiot.”

“You are,” you sniffled, though your tone was softer now.

He pulled back just enough to turn you around, his hands gently cupping your cheeks.

“I love you, Y/N. I’ve loved you for so long. And I was so scared- ” he stopped short as he saw the look on your face.

“You... you love me?”

“I adore you,” he said, giving you a shy smile.

You let out a breathless laugh, the weight on your chest lifting for the first time in days.

“I love you too, Hyunjin. So damn much.”

His smile widened, and before you could say another word, he asked, “Can I... can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” you whispered, and when his lips met yours, it was the most beautiful thing in the world. He kissed you so softly (even though you just wanted to eat him up.)

You both stepped out of the cold room together, the door clicking shut behind you. Your cheeks were flushed, your lips swollen from the kiss, and as you glanced at Hyunjin, you saw he was in no better shape.

You didn't get to take another step forward as the door to your lab opened and Jisung's head popped in.

His eyes flicked between you and Hyunjin and you could hear the gears turning in his head as he tried to piece together what he was seeing. And then he smirked.

You glared at him, because you know that look on his face, and Hyunjin just stood there, his arms crossed and a smile that said “I got what I wanted".

“Congratulations,” Jisung said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m so happy for you both. But oh my god, you two idiots…”

The grin on his face was priceless. He was enjoying this way too much.

“I swear, if you don’t shut up -” You swatted him on the arm.

Jisung winced dramatically but couldn’t hide his laughter.

“What? You guys make an adorable couple... but honestly, you both are just so dumb.”

Well, you couldn't agree more.

Tags: @moonchild9350 @velvetmoonlght

[mostlysignssomeportents]

“Disenshittify or Die”

I'm coming to BURNING MAN! On TUESDAY (Aug 27) at 1PM, I'm giving a talk called "DISENSHITTIFY OR DIE!" at PALENQUE NORTE (7&E). On WEDNESDAY (Aug 28) at NOON, I'm doing a "Talking Caterpillar" Q&A at LIMINAL LABS (830&C).

Last weekend, I traveled to Las Vegas for Defcon 32, where I had the immense privilege of giving a solo talk on Track 1, entitled "Disenshittify or die! How hackers can seize the means of computation and build a new, good internet that is hardened against our asshole bosses' insatiable horniness for enshittification":

https://info.defcon.org/event/?id=54861

This was a followup to last year's talk, "An Audacious Plan to Halt the Internet's Enshittification," a talk that kicked off a lot of international interest in my analysis of platform decay ("enshittification"):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rimtaSgGz_4

The Defcon organizers have earned a restful week or two, and that means that the video of my talk hasn't yet been posted to Defcon's Youtube channel, so in the meantime, I thought I'd post a lightly edited version of my speech crib. If you're headed to Burning Man, you can hear me reprise this talk at Palenque Norte (7&E); I'm kicking off their lecture series on Tuesday, Aug 27 at 1PM.

==

What the fuck happened to the old, good internet?

I mean, sure, our bosses were a little surveillance-happy, and they were usually up for sharing their data with the NSA, and whenever there was a tossup between user security and growth, it was always YOLO time.

But Google Search used to work. Facebook used to show you posts from people you followed. Uber used to be cheaper than a taxi and pay the driver more than a cabbie made. Amazon used to sell products, not Shein-grade self-destructing dropshipped garbage from all-consonant brands. Apple used to defend your privacy, rather than spying on you with your no-modifications-allowed Iphone.

There was a time when you searching for an album on Spotify would get you that album – not a playlist of insipid AI-generated covers with the same name and art.

Microsoft used to sell you software – sure, it was buggy – but now they just let you access apps in the cloud, so they can watch how you use those apps and strip the features you use the most out of the basic tier and turn them into an upcharge.

What – and I cannot stress this enough – the fuck happened?!

I’m talking about enshittification.

Here’s what enshittification looks like from the outside: First, you see a company that’s being good to its end users. Google puts the best search results at the top; Facebook shows you a feed of posts from people and groups you followl; Uber charges small dollars for a cab; Amazon subsidizes goods and returns and shipping and puts the best match for your product search at the top of the page.

That’s stage one, being good to end users. But there’s another part of this stage, call it stage 1a). That’s figuring out how to lock in those users.

There’s so many ways to lock in users.

If you’re Facebook, the users do it for you. You joined Facebook because there were people there you wanted to hang out with, and other people joined Facebook to hang out with you.

That’s the old “network effects” in action, and with network effects come “the collective action problem." Because you love your friends, but goddamn are they a pain in the ass! You all agree that FB sucks, sure, but can you all agree on when it’s time to leave?

No way.

Can you agree on where to go next?

Hell no.

You’re there because that’s where the support group for your rare disease hangs out, and your bestie is there because that’s where they talk with the people in the country they moved away from, then there’s that friend who coordinates their kid’s little league car pools on FB, and the best dungeon master you know isn’t gonna leave FB because that’s where her customers are.

So you’re stuck, because even though FB use comes at a high cost – your privacy, your dignity and your sanity – that’s still less than the switching cost you’d have to bear if you left: namely, all those friends who have taken you hostage, and whom you are holding hostage

Now, sometimes companies lock you in with money, like Amazon getting you to prepay for a year’s shipping with Prime, or to buy your Audible books on a monthly subscription, which virtually guarantees that every shopping search will start on Amazon, after all, you’ve already paid for it.

Sometimes, they lock you in with DRM, like HP selling you a printer with four ink cartridges filled with fluid that retails for more than $10,000/gallon, and using DRM to stop you from refilling any of those ink carts or using a third-party cartridge. So when one cart runs dry, you have to refill it or throw away your investment in the remaining three cartridges and the printer itself.

Sometimes, it’s a grab bag:

You can’t run your Ios apps without Apple hardware;

you can’t run your Apple music, books and movies on anything except an Ios app;

your iPhone uses parts pairing – DRM handshakes between replacement parts and the main system – so you can’t use third-party parts to fix it; and

every OEM iPhone part has a microscopic Apple logo engraved on it, so Apple can demand that the US Customs and Border Service seize any shipment of refurb Iphone parts as trademark violations.

Think Different, amirite?

Getting you locked in completes phase one of the enshittification cycle and signals the start of phase two: making things worse for you to make things better for business customers.

For example, a platform might poison its search results, like Google selling more and more of its results pages to ads that are identified with lighter and lighter tinier and tinier type.

Or Amazon selling off search results and calling it an “ad” business. They make $38b/year on this scam. The first result for your search is, on average, 29% more expensive than the best match for your search. The first row is 25% more expensive than the best match. On average, the best match for your search is likely to be found seventeen places down on the results page.

Other platforms sell off your feed, like Facebook, which started off showing you the things you asked to see, but now the quantum of content from the people you follow has dwindled to a homeopathic residue, leaving a void that Facebook fills with things that people pay to show you: boosted posts from publishers you haven’t subscribed to, and, of course, ads.

Now at this point you might be thinking ‘sure, if you’re not paying for the product, you’re the product.'

Bullshit!

Bull.

Shit.

The people who buy those Google ads? They pay more every year for worse ad-targeting and more ad-fraud

Those publishers paying to nonconsensually cram their content into your Facebook feed? They have to do that because FB suppresses their ability to reach the people who actually subscribed to them

The Amazon sellers with the best match for your query have to outbid everyone else just to show up on the first page of results. It costs so much to sell on Amazon that between 45-51% of every dollar an independent seller brings in has to be kicked up to Don Bezos and the Amazon crime family. Those sellers don’t have the kind of margins that let them pay 51% They have to raise prices in order to avoid losing money on every sale.

"But wait!" I hear you say!

[Come on, say it!]

"But wait! Things on Amazon aren’t more expensive that things at Target, or Walmart, or at a mom and pop store, or direct from the manufacturer.

"How can sellers be raising prices on Amazon if the price at Amazon is the same as at is everywhere else?"

[Any guesses?!]

That’s right, they charge more everywhere. They have to. Amazon binds its sellers to a policy called “most favored nation status,” which says they can’t charge more on Amazon than they charge elsewhere, including direct from their own factory store.

So every seller that wants to sell on Amazon has to raise their prices everywhere else.

Now, these sellers are Amazon’s best customers. They’re paying for the product, and they’re still getting screwed.

Paying for the product doesn’t fill your vapid boss’s shriveled heart with so much joy that he decides to stop trying to think of ways to fuck you over.

Look at Apple. Remember when Apple offered every Ios user a one-click opt out for app-based surveillance? And 96% of users clicked that box?

(The other four percent were either drunk or Facebook employees or drunk Facebook employees.)

That cost Facebook at least ten billion dollars per year in lost surveillance revenue?

I mean, you love to see it.

But did you know that at the same time Apple started spying on Ios users in the same way that Facebook had been, for surveillance data to use to target users for its competing advertising product?

Your Iphone isn’t an ad-supported gimme. You paid a thousand fucking dollars for that distraction rectangle in your pocket, and you’re still the product. What’s more, Apple has rigged Ios so that you can’t mod the OS to block its spying.

If you’re not not paying for the product, you’re the product, and if you are paying for the product, you’re still the product.

Just ask the farmers who are expected to swap parts into their own busted half-million dollar, mission-critical tractors, but can’t actually use those parts until a technician charges them $200 to drive out to the farm and type a parts pairing unlock code into their console.

John Deere’s not giving away tractors. Give John Deere a half mil for a tractor and you will be the product.

Please, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Please! Stop saying ‘if you’re not paying for the product, you’re the product.’

OK, OK, so that’s phase two of enshittification.

Phase one: be good to users while locking them in.

Phase two: screw the users a little to you can good to business customers while locking them in.

Phase three: screw everybody and take all the value for yourself. Leave behind the absolute bare minimum of utility so that everyone stays locked into your pile of shit.

Enshittification: a tragedy in three acts.

That’s what enshittification looks like from the outside, but what’s going on inside the company? What is the pathological mechanism? What sci-fi entropy ray converts the excellent and useful service into a pile of shit?

That mechanism is called twiddling. Twiddling is when someone alters the back end of a service to change how its business operates, changing prices, costs, search ranking, recommendation criteria and other foundational aspects of the system.

Digital platforms are a twiddler’s utopia. A grocer would need an army of teenagers with pricing guns on rollerblades to reprice everything in the building when someone arrives who’s extra hungry.

Whereas the McDonald’s Investments portfolio company Plexure advertises that it can use surveillance data to predict when an app user has just gotten paid so the seller can tack an extra couple bucks onto the price of their breakfast sandwich.

And of course, as the prophet William Gibson warned us, ‘cyberspace is everting.' With digital shelf tags, grocers can change prices whenever they feel like, like the grocers in Norway, whose e-ink shelf tags change the prices 2,000 times per day.

Every Uber driver is offered a different wage for every job. If a driver has been picky lately, the job pays more. But if the driver has been desperate enough to grab every ride the app offers, the pay goes down, and down, and down.

The law professor Veena Dubal calls this ‘algorithmic wage discrimination.' It’s a prime example of twiddling.

Every youtuber knows what it’s like to be twiddled. You work for weeks or months, spend thousands of dollars to make a video, then the algorithm decides that no one – not your own subscribers, not searchers who type in the exact name of your video – will see it.

Why? Who knows? The algorithm’s rules are not public.

Because content moderation is the last redoubt of security through obscurit: they can’t tell you what the como algorithm is downranking because then you’d cheat.

Youtube is the kind of shitty boss who docks every paycheck for all the rules you’ve broken, but won’t tell you what those rules were, lest you figure out how to break those rules next time without your boss catching you.

Twiddling can also work in some users’ favor, of course. Sometimes platforms twiddle to make things better for end users or business customers.

For example, Emily Baker-White from Forbes revealed the existence of a back-end feature that Tiktok’s management can access they call the “heating tool.”

When a manager applies the heating toll to a performer’s account, that performer’s videos are thrust into the feeds of millions of users, without regard to whether the recommendation algorithm predicts they will enjoy that video.

Why would they do this? Well, here’s an analogy from my boyhood I used to go to this traveling fair that would come to Toronto at the end of every summer, the Canadian National Exhibition. If you’ve been to a fair like the Ex, you know that you can always spot some guy lugging around a comedically huge teddy bear.

Nominally, you win that teddy bear by throwing five balls in a peach-basket, but to a first approximation, no one has ever gotten five balls to stay in that peach-basket.

That guy “won” the teddy bear when a carny on the midway singled him out and said, "fella, I like your face. Tell you what I’m gonna do: You get just one ball in the basket and I’ll give you this keychain, and if you amass two keychains, I’ll let you trade them in for one of these galactic-scale teddy-bears."

That’s how the guy got his teddy bear, which he now has to drag up and down the midway for the rest of the day.

Why the hell did that carny give away the teddy bear? Because it turns the guy into a walking billboard for the midway games. If that dopey-looking Judas Goat can get five balls into a peach basket, then so can you.

Except you can’t.

Tiktok’s heating tool is a way to give away tactical giant teddy bears. When someone in the TikTok brain trust decides they need more sports bros on the platform, they pick one bro out at random and make him king for the day, heating the shit out of his account.

That guy gets a bazillion views and he starts running around on all the sports bro forums trumpeting his success: *I am the Louis Pasteur of sports bro influencers!"

The other sports bros pile in and start retooling to make content that conforms to the idiosyncratic Tiktok format. When they fail to get giant teddy bears of their own, they assume that it’s because they��re doing Tiktok wrong, because they don’t know about the heating tool.

But then comes the day when the TikTok Star Chamber decides they need to lure in more astrologers, so they take the heat off that one lucky sports bro, and start heating up some lucky astrologer.

Giant teddy bears are all over the place: those Uber drivers who were boasting to the NYT ten years ago about earning $50/hour? The Substackers who were rolling in dough? Joe Rogan and his hundred million dollar Spotify payout? Those people are all the proud owners of giant teddy bears, and they’re a steal.

Because every dollar they get from the platform turns into five dollars worth of free labor from suckers who think they just internetting wrong.

Giant teddy bears are just one way of twiddling. Platforms can play games with every part of their business logic, in highly automated ways, that allows them to quickly and efficiently siphon value from end users to business customers and back again, hiding the pea in a shell game conducted at machine speeds, until they’ve got everyone so turned around that they take all the value for themselves.

That’s the how: How the platforms do the trick where they are good to users, then lock users in, then maltreat users to be good to business customers, then lock in those business customers, then take all the value for themselves.

So now we know what is happening, and how it is happening, all that’s left is why it’s happening.

Now, on the one hand, the why is pretty obvious. The less value that end-users and business customers capture, the more value there is left to divide up among the shareholders and the executives.

That’s why, but it doesn’t tell you why now. Companies could have done this shit at any time in the past 20 years, but they didn’t. Or at least, the successful ones didn’t. The ones that turned themselves into piles of shit got treated like piles of shit. We avoided them and they died.

Remember Myspace? Yahoo Search? Livejournal? Sure, they’re still serving some kind of AI slop or programmatic ad junk if you hit those domains, but they’re gone.

And there’s the clue: It used to be that if you enshittified your product, bad things happened to your company. Now, there are no consequences for enshittification, so everyone’s doing it.

Let’s break that down: What stops a company from enshittifying?

There are four forces that discipline tech companies. The first one is, obviously, competition.

If your customers find it easy to leave, then you have to worry about them leaving

Many factors can contribute to how hard or easy it is to depart a platform, like the network effects that Facebook has going for it. But the most important factor is whether there is anywhere to go.

Back in 2012, Facebook bought Insta for a billion dollars. That may seem like chump-change in these days of eleven-digit Big Tech acquisitions, but that was a big sum in those innocent days, and it was an especially big sum to pay for Insta. The company only had 13 employees, and a mere 25 million registered users.

But what mattered to Zuckerberg wasn’t how many users Insta had, it was where those users came from.

[Does anyone know where those Insta users came from?]

That’s right, they left Facebook and joined Insta. They were sick of FB, even though they liked the people there, they hated creepy Zuck, they hated the platform, so they left and they didn’t come back.

So Zuck spent a cool billion to recapture them, A fact he put in writing in a midnight email to CFO David Ebersman, explaining that he was paying over the odds for Insta because his users hated him, and loved Insta. So even if they quit Facebook (the platform), they would still be captured Facebook (the company).

Now, on paper, Zuck’s Instagram acquisition is illegal, but normally, that would be hard to stop, because you’d have to prove that he bought Insta with the intention of curtailing competition.

But in this case, Zuck tripped over his own dick: he put it in writing.

But Obama’s DoJ and FTC just let that one slide, following the pro-monopoly policies of Reagan, Bush I, Clinton and Bush II, and setting an example that Trump would follow, greenlighting gigamergers like the catastrophic, incestuous Warner-Discovery marriage.

Indeed, for 40 years, starting with Carter, and accelerating through Reagan, the US has encouraged monopoly formation, as an official policy, on the grounds that monopolies are “efficient.”

If everyone is using Google Search, that’s something we should celebrate. It means they’ve got the very best search and wouldn’t it be perverse to spend public funds to punish them for making the best product?

But as we all know, Google didn’t maintain search dominance by being best. They did it by paying bribes. More than 20 billion per year to Apple alone to be the default Ios search, plus billions more to Samsung, Mozilla, and anyone else making a product or service with a search-box on it, ensuring that you never stumble on a search engine that’s better than theirs.

Which, in turn, ensured that no one smart invested big in rival search engines, even if they were visibly, obviously superior. Why bother making something better if Google’s buying up all the market oxygen before it can kindle your product to life?

Facebook, Google, Microsoft, Amazon – they’re not “making things” companies, they’re “buying things” companies, taking advantage of official tolerance for anticompetitive acquisitions, predatory pricing, market distorting exclusivity deals and other acts specifically prohibited by existing antitrust law.

Their goal is to become too big to fail, because that makes them too big to jail, and that means they can be too big to care.

Which is why Google Search is a pile of shit and everything on Amazon is dropshipped garbage that instantly disintegrates in a cloud of offgassed volatile organic compounds when you open the box.

Once companies no longer fear losing your business to a competitor, it’s much easier for them to treat you badly, because what’re you gonna do?

Remember Lily Tomlin as Ernestine the AT&T operator in those old SNL sketches? “We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.”

Competition is the first force that serves to discipline companies and the enshittificatory impulses of their leadership, and we just stopped enforcing competition law.

It takes a special kind of smooth-brained asshole – that is, an establishment economist – to insist that the collapse of every industry from eyeglasses to vitamin C into a cartel of five or fewer companies has nothing to do with policies that officially encouraged monopolization.

It’s like we used to put down rat poison and we didn’t have a rat problem. Then these dickheads convinced us that rats were good for us and we stopped putting down rat poison, and now rats are gnawing our faces off and they’re all running around saying, "Who’s to say where all these rats came from? Maybe it was that we stopped putting down poison, but maybe it’s just the Time of the Rats. The Great Forces of History bearing down on this moment to multiply rats beyond all measure!"

Antitrust didn’t slip down that staircase and fall spine-first on that stiletto: they stabbed it in the back and then they pushed it.

And when they killed antitrust, they also killed regulation, the second force that disciplines companies. Regulation is possible, but only when the regulator is more powerful than the regulated entities. When a company is bigger than the government, it gets damned hard to credibly threaten to punish that company, no matter what its sins.

That’s what protected IBM for all those years when it had its boot on the throat of the American tech sector. Do you know, the DOJ fought to break up IBM in the courts from 1970-1982, and that every year, for 12 consecutive years, IBM spent more on lawyers to fight the USG than the DOJ Antitrust Division spent on all the lawyers fighting every antitrust case in the entire USA?

IBM outspent Uncle Sam for 12 years. People called it “Antitrust’s Vietnam.” All that money paid off, because by 1982, the president was Ronald Reagan, a man whose official policy was that monopolies were “efficient." So he dropped the case, and Big Blue wriggled off the hook.

It’s hard to regulate a monopolist, and it’s hard to regulate a cartel. When a sector is composed of hundreds of competing companies, they compete. They genuinely fight with one another, trying to poach each others’ customers and workers. They are at each others’ throats.

It’s hard enough for a couple hundred executives to agree on anything. But when they’re legitimately competing with one another, really obsessing about how to eat each others’ lunches, they can’t agree on anything.

The instant one of them goes to their regulator with some bullshit story, about how it’s impossible to have a decent search engine without fine-grained commercial surveillance; or how it’s impossible to have a secure and easy to use mobile device without a total veto over which software can run on it; or how it’s impossible to administer an ISP’s network unless you can slow down connections to servers whose owners aren’t paying bribes for “premium carriage"; there’s some *other company saying, “That’s bullshit”

“We’ve managed it! Here’s our server logs, our quarterly financials and our customer testimonials to prove it.”

100 companies are a rabble, they're a mob. They can’t agree on a lobbying position. They’re too busy eating each others’ lunch to agree on how to cater a meeting to discuss it.

But let those hundred companies merge to monopoly, absorb one another in an incestuous orgy, turn into five giant companies, so inbred they’ve got a corporate Habsburg jaw, and they become a cartel.

It’s easy for a cartel to agree on what bullshit they’re all going to feed their regulator, and to mobilize some of the excess billions they’ve reaped through consolidation, which freed them from “wasteful competition," sp they can capture their regulators completely.

You know, Congress used to pass federal consumer privacy laws? Not anymore.

The last time Congress managed to pass a federal consumer privacy law was in 1988: The Video Privacy Protection Act. That’s a law that bans video-store clerks from telling newspapers what VHS cassettes you take home. In other words, it regulates three things that have effectively ceased to exist.

The threat of having your video rental history out there in the public eye was not the last or most urgent threat the American public faced, and yet, Congress is deadlocked on passing a privacy law.

Tech companies’ regulatory capture involves a risible and transparent gambit, that is so stupid, it’s an insult to all the good hardworking risible transparent ruses out there.

Namely, they claim that when they violate your consumer, privacy or labor rights, It’s not a crime, because they do it with an app.

Algorithmic wage discrimination isn’t illegal wage theft: we do it with an app.

Spying on you from asshole to appetite isn’t a privacy violation: we do it with an app.

And Amazon’s scam search tool that tricks you into paying 29% more than the best match for your query? Not a ripoff. We do it with an app.

Once we killed competition – stopped putting down rat poison – we got cartels – the rats ate our faces. And the cartels captured their regulators – the rats bought out the poison factory and shut it down.

So companies aren’t constrained by competition or regulation.

But you know what? This is tech, and tech is different.IIt’s different because it’s flexible. Because our computers are Turing-complete universal von Neumann machines. That means that any enshittificatory alteration to a program can be disenshittified with another program.

Every time HP jacks up the price of ink , they invite a competitor to market a refill kit or a compatible cartridge.

When Tesla installs code that says you have to pay an extra monthly fee to use your whole battery, they invite a modder to start selling a kit to jailbreak that battery and charge it all the way up.

Lemme take you through a little example of how that works: Imagine this is a product design meeting for our company’s website, and the guy leading the meeting says “Dudes, you know how our KPI is topline ad-revenue? Well, I’ve calculated that if we make the ads just 20% more invasive and obnoxious, we’ll boost ad rev by 2%”

This is a good pitch. Hit that KPI and everyone gets a fat bonus. We can all take our families on a luxury ski vacation in Switzerland.

But here’s the thing: someone’s gonna stick their arm up – someone who doesn’t give a shit about user well-being, and that person is gonna say, “I love how you think, Elon. But has it occurred to you that if we make the ads 20% more obnoxious, then 40% of our users will go to a search engine and type 'How do I block ads?'"

I mean, what a nightmare! Because once a user does that, the revenue from that user doesn’t rise to 102%. It doesn’t stay at 100% It falls to zero, forever.

[Any guesses why?]

Because no user ever went back to the search engine and typed, 'How do I start seeing ads again?'

Once the user jailbreaks their phone or discovers third party ink, or develops a relationship with an independent Tesla mechanic who’ll unlock all the DLC in their car, that user is gone, forever.

Interoperability – that latent property bequeathed to us courtesy of Herrs Turing and Von Neumann and their infinitely flexible, universal machines – that is a serious check on enshittification.

The fact that Congress hasn’t passed a privacy law since 1988 Is countered, at least in part, by the fact that the majority of web users are now running ad-blockers, which are also tracker-blockers.

But no one’s ever installed a tracker-blocker for an app. Because reverse engineering an app puts in you jeopardy of criminal and civil prosecution under Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, with penalties of a 5-year prison sentence and a $500k fine for a first offense.

And violating its terms of service puts you in jeopardy under the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986, which is the law that Ronald Reagan signed in a panic after watching Wargames (seriously!).

Helping other users violate the terms of service can get you hit with a lawsuit for tortious interference with contract. And then there’s trademark, copyright and patent.

All that nonsense we call “IP,” but which Jay Freeman of Cydia calls “Felony Contempt of Business Model."

So if we’re still at that product planning meeting and now it’s time to talk about our app, the guy leading the meeting says, “OK, so we’ll make the ads in the app 20% more obnoxious to pull a 2% increase in topline ad rev?”

And that person who objected to making the website 20% worse? Their hand goes back up. Only this time they say “Why don’t we make the ads 100% more invasive and get a 10% increase in ad rev?"

Because it doesn't matter if a user goes to a search engine and types, “How do I block ads in an app." The answer is: you can't. So YOLO, enshittify away.

“IP” is just a euphemism for “any law that lets me reach outside my company’s walls to exert coercive control over my critics, competitors and customers,” and “app” is just a euphemism for “A web page skinned with the right IP so that protecting your privacy while you use it is a felony.”

Interop used to keep companies from enshittifying. If a company made its client suck, someone would roll out an alternative client, if they ripped a feature out and wanted to sell it back to you as a monthly subscription, someone would make a compatible plugin that restored it for a one-time fee, or for free.

To help people flee Myspace, FB gave them bots that you’d load with your login credentials. It would scrape your waiting Myspace messages and put ‘em in your FB inbox, and login to Myspace and paste your replies into your Myspace outbox. So you didn’t have to choose between the people you loved on Myspace, and Facebook, which launched with a promise never to spy on you. Remember that?!

Thanks to the metastasis of IP, all that is off the table today. Apple owes its very existence to iWork Suite, whose Pages, Numbers and Keynote are file-compatible with Microsoft’s Word, Excel and Powerpoint. But make an IOS runtime that’ll play back the files you bought from Apple’s stores on other platforms, and they’ll nuke you til you glow.

FB wouldn’t have had a hope of breaking Myspace’s grip on social media without that scrape, but scrape FB today in support of an alternative client and their lawyers will bomb you til the rubble bounces.

Google scraped every website in the world to create its search index. Try and scrape Google and they’ll have your head on a pike.

When they did it, it was progress. When you do it to them, that’s piracy. Every pirate wants to be an admiral.

Because this handful of companies has so thoroughly captured their regulators, they can wield the power of the state against you when you try to break their grip on power, even as their own flagrant violations of our rights go unpunished. Because they do them with an app.

Tech lost its fear of competitin it neutralized the threat from regulators, and then put them in harness to attack new startups that might do unto them as they did unto the companies that came before them.

But even so, there was a force that kept our bosses in check That force was us. Tech workers.

Tech workers have historically been in short supply, which gave us power, and our bosses knew it.

To get us to work crazy hours, they came up with a trick. They appealed to our love of technology, and told us that we were heroes of a digital revolution, who would “organize the world’s information and make it useful,” who would “bring the world closer together.”

They brought in expert set-dressers to turn our workplaces into whimsical campuses with free laundry, gourmet cafeterias, massages, and kombucha, and a surgeon on hand to freeze our eggs so that we could work through our fertile years.

They convinced us that we were being pampered, rather than being worked like government mules.

This trick has a name. Fobazi Ettarh, the librarian-theorist, calls it “vocational awe, and Elon Musk calls it being “extremely hardcore.”

This worked very well. Boy did we put in some long-ass hours!

But for our bosses, this trick failed badly. Because if you miss your mother’s funeral and to hit a deadline, and then your boss orders you to enshittify that product, you are gonna experience a profound moral injury, which you are absolutely gonna make your boss share.

Because what are they gonna do? Fire you? They can’t hire someone else to do your job, and you can get a job that’s even better at the shop across the street.

So workers held the line when competition, regulation and interop failed.

But eventually, supply caught up with demand. Tech laid off 260,000 of us last year, and another 100,000 in the first half of this year.

You can’t tell your bosses to go fuck themselves, because they’ll fire your ass and give your job to someone who’ll be only too happy to enshittify that product you built.

That’s why this is all happening right now. Our bosses aren’t different. They didn’t catch a mind-virus that turned them into greedy assholes who don’t care about our users’ wellbeing or the quality of our products.

As far as our bosses have always been concerned, the point of the business was to charge the most, and deliver the least, while sharing as little as possible with suppliers, workers, users and customers. They’re not running charities.

Since day one, our bosses have shown up for work and yanked as hard as they can on the big ENSHITTIFICATION lever behind their desks, only that lever didn’t move much. It was all gummed up by competition, regulation, interop and workers.

As those sources of friction melted away, the enshittification lever started moving very freely.

Which sucks, I know. But think about this for a sec: our bosses, despite being wildly imperfect vessels capable of rationalizing endless greed and cheating, nevertheless oversaw a series of actually great products and services.

Not because they used to be better people, but because they used to be subjected to discipline.

So it follows that if we want to end the enshittocene, dismantle the enshitternet, and build a new, good internet that our bosses can’t wreck, we need to make sure that these constraints are durably installed on that internet, wound around its very roots and nerves. And we have to stand guard over it so that it can’t be dismantled again.

A new, good internet is one that has the positive aspects of the old, good internet: an ethic of technological self-determination, where users of technology (and hackers, tinkerers, startups and others serving as their proxies) can reconfigure and mod the technology they use, so that it does what they need it to do, and so that it can’t be used against them.

But the new, good internet will fix the defects of the old, good internet, the part that made it hard to use for anyone who wasn’t us. And hell yeah we can do that. Tech bosses swear that it’s impossible, that you can’t have a conversation friend without sharing it with Zuck; or search the web without letting Google scrape you down to the viscera; or have a phone that works reliably without giving Apple a veto over the software you install.

They claim that it’s a nonsense to even ponder this kind of thing. It’s like making water that’s not wet. But that’s bullshit. We can have nice things. We can build for the people we love, and give them a place that’s worth of their time and attention.

To do that, we have to install constraints.

The first constraint, remember, is competition. We’re living through a epochal shift in competition policy. After 40 years with antitrust enforcement in an induced coma, a wave of antitrust vigor has swept through governments all over the world. Regulators are stepping in to ban monopolistic practices, open up walled gardens, block anticompetitive mergers, and even unwind corrupt mergers that were undertaken on false pretenses.

Normally this is the place in the speech where I’d list out all the amazing things that have happened over the past four years. The enforcement actions that blocked companies from becoming too big to care, and that scared companies away from even trying.

Like Wiz, which just noped out of the largest acquisition offer in history, turning down Google’s $23b cashout, and deciding to, you know, just be a fucking business that makes money by producing a product that people want and selling it at a competitive price.

Normally, I’d be listing out FTC rulemakings that banned noncompetes nationwid. Or the new merger guidelines the FTC and DOJ cooked up, which – among other things – establish that the agencies should be considering whether a merger will negatively impact privacy.

I had a whole section of this stuff in my notes, a real victory lap, but I deleted it all this week.

[Can anyone guess why?]

That’s right! This week, Judge Amit Mehta, ruling for the DC Circuit of these United States of America, In the docket 20-3010 a case known as United States v. Google LLC, found that “Google is a monopolist, and it has acted as one to maintain its monopoly," and ordered Google and the DOJ to propose a schedule for a remedy, like breaking the company up.

So yeah, that was pretty fucking epic.

Now, this antitrust stuff is pretty esoteric, and I won’t gatekeep you or shame you if you wanna keep a little distance on this subject. Nearly everyone is an antitrust normie, and that's OK. But if you’re a normie, you’re probably only catching little bits and pieces of the narrative, and let me tell you, the monopolists know it and they are flooding the zone.

The Wall Street Journal has published over 100 editorials condemning FTC Chair Lina Khan, saying she’s an ineffectual do-nothing, wasting public funds chasing doomed, quixotic adventures against poor, innocent businesses accomplishing nothing

[Does anyone out there know who owns the Wall Street Journal?]

That’s right, it’s Rupert Murdoch. Do you really think Rupert Murdoch pays his editorial board to write one hundred editorials about someone who’s not getting anything done?

The reality is that in the USA, in the UK, in the EU, in Australia, in Canada, in Japan, in South Korea, even in China, we are seeing more antitrust action over the past four years than over the preceding forty years.

Remember, competition law is actually pretty robust. The problem isn’t the law, It’s the enforcement priorities. Reagan put antitrust in mothballs 40 years ago, but that elegant weapon from a more civilized age is now back in the hands of people who know how to use it, and they’re swinging for the fences.

Next up: regulation.

As the seemingly inescapable power of the tech giants is revealed for the sham it always was, governments and regulators are finally gonna kill the “one weird trick” of violating the law, and saying “It doesn’t count, we did it with an app.”

Like in the EU, they’re rolling out the Digital Markets Act this year. That’s a law requiring dominant platforms to stand up APIs so that third parties can offer interoperable services.

So a co-op, a nonprofit, a hobbyist, a startup, or a local government agency wil eventuallyl be able to offer, say, a social media server that can interconnect with one of the dominant social media silos, and users who switch to that new platform will be able to continue to exchange messages with the users they follow and groups they belong to, so the switching costs will fall to damned near zero.

That’s a very cool rule, but what’s even cooler is how it’s gonna be enforced. Previous EU tech rules were “regulations” as in the GDPR – the General Data Privacy Regulation. EU regs need to be “transposed” into laws in each of the 27 EU member states, so they become national laws that get enforced by national courts.

For Big Tech, that means all previous tech regulations are enforced in Ireland, because Ireland is a tax haven, and all the tech companies fly Irish flags of convenience.

Here’s the thing: every tax haven is also a crime haven. After all, if Google can pretend it’s Irish this week, it can pretend to be Cypriot, or Maltese, or Luxembougeious next week. So Ireland has to keep these footloose criminal enterprises happy, or they’ll up sticks and go somewhere else.

This is why the GDPR is such a goddamned joke in practice. Big tech wipes its ass with the GDPR, and the only way to punish them starts with Ireland’s privacy commissioner, who barely bothers to get out of bed. This is an agency that spends most of its time watching cartoons on TV in its pajamas and eating breakfast cereal. So all of the big GDPR cases go to Ireland and they die there.

This is hardly a secret. The European Commission knows it’s going on. So with the DMA, the Commission has changed things up: The DMA is an “Act,” not a “Regulation.” Meaning it gets enforced in the EU’s federal courts, bypassing the national courts in crime-havens like Ireland.

In other words, the “we violate privacy law, but we do it with an app” gambit that worked on Ireland’s toothless privacy watchdog is now a dead letter, because EU federal judges have no reason to swallow that obvious bullshit.

Here in the US, the dam is breaking on federal consumer privacy law – at last!

Remember, our last privacy law was passed in 1988 to protect the sanctity of VHS rental history. It's been a minute.

And the thing is, there's a lot of people who are angry about stuff that has some nexus with America's piss-poor privacy landscape. Worried that Facebook turned grampy into a Qanon? That Insta made your teen anorexic? That TikTok is brainwashing millennials into quoting Osama Bin Laden? Or that cops are rolling up the identities of everyone at a Black Lives Matter protest or the Jan 6 riots by getting location data from Google? Or that Red State Attorneys General are tracking teen girls to out-of-state abortion clinics? Or that Black people are being discriminated against by online lending or hiring platforms? Or that someone is making AI deepfake porn of you?

A federal privacy law with a private right of action – which means that individuals can sue companies that violate their privacy – would go a long way to rectifying all of these problems

There's a pretty big coalition for that kind of privacy law! Which is why we have seen a procession of imperfect (but steadily improving) privacy laws working their way through Congress.

If you sign up for EFF’s mailing list at eff.org we’ll send you an email when these come up, so you can call your Congressjerk or Senator and talk to them about it. Or better yet, make an appointment to drop by their offices when they’re in their districts, and explain to them that you’re not just a registered voter from their district, you’re the kind of elite tech person who goes to Defcon, and then explain the bill to them. That stuff makes a difference.

What about self-help? How are we doing on making interoperability legal again, so hackers can just fix shit without waiting for Congress or a federal agency to act?

All the action here these day is in the state Right to Repair fight. We’re getting state R2R bills, like the one that passed this year in Oregon that bans parts pairing, where DRM is used to keep a device from using a new part until it gets an authorized technician’s unlock code.

These bills are pushed by a fantastic group of organizations called the Repair Coalition, at Repair.org, and they’ll email you when one of these laws is going through your statehouse, so you can meet with your state reps and explain to the JV squad the same thing you told your federal reps.

Repair.org’s prime mover is Ifixit, who are genuine heroes of the repair revolution, and Ifixit’s founder, Kyle Wiens, is here at the con. When you see him, you can shake his hand and tell him thanks, and that’ll be even better if you tell him that you’ve signed up to get alerts at repair.org!

Now, on to the final way that we reverse enhittification and build that new, good internet: you, the tech labor force.

For years, your bosses tricked you into thinking you were founders in waiting, temporarily embarrassed entrepreneurs who were only momentarily drawing a salary.

You certainly weren’t workers. Your power came from your intrinsic virtue, not like those lazy slobs in unions who have to get their power through that kumbaya solidarity nonsense.

It was a trick. You were scammed. The power you had came from scarcity, and so when the scarcity ended, when the industry started ringing up six-figure annual layoffs, your power went away with it.

The only durable source of power for tech workers is as workers, in a union.

Think about Amazon. Warehouse workers have to piss in bottles and have the highest rate of on-the-job maimings of any competing business. Whereas Amazon coders get to show up for work with facial piercings, green mohawks, and black t-shirts that say things their bosses don’t understand. They can piss whenever they want!

That’s not because Jeff Bezos or Andy Jassy loves you guys. It’s because they’re scared you’ll quit and they don’t know how to replace you.

Time for the second obligatory William Gibson quote: “The future is here, it’s just not evenly distributed.” You know who’s living in the future?. Those Amazon blue-collar workers. They are the bleeding edge.

Drivers whose eyeballs are monitored by AI cameras that do digital phrenology on their faces to figure out whether to dock their pay, warehouse workers whose bodies are ruined in just months.

As tech bosses beef up that reserve army of unemployed, skilled tech workers, then those tech workers – you all – will arrive at the same future as them.

Look, I know that you’ve spent your careers explaining in words so small your boss could understand them that you refuse to enshittify the company’s products, and I thank you for your service.

But if you want to go on fighting for the user, you need power that’s more durable than scarcity. You need a union. Wanna learn how? Check out the Tech Workers Coalition and Tech Solidarity, and get organized.

Enshittification didn’t arise because our bosses changed. They were always that guy.

They were always yankin’ on that enshittification lever in the C-suite.

What changed was the environment, everything that kept that switch from moving.

And that’s good news, in a bankshot way, because it means we can make good services out of imperfect people. As a wildly imperfect person myself, I find this heartening.

The new good internet is in our grasp: an internet that has the technological self-determination of the old, good internet, and the greased-skids simplicity of Web 2.0 that let all our normie friends get in on the fun.

Tech bosses want you to think that good UX and enshittification can’t ever be separated. That’s such a self-serving proposition you can spot it from orbit. We know it, 'cause we built the old good internet, and we’ve been fighting a rear-guard action to preserve it for the past two decades.

It’s time to stop playing defense. It's time to go on the offensive. To restore competition, regulation, interop and tech worker power so that we can create the new, good internet we’ll need to fight fascism, the climate emergency, and genocide.

To build a digital nervous system for a 21st century in which our children can thrive and prosper.

Community voting for SXSW is live! If you wanna hear RIDA QADRI and me talk about how GIG WORKERS can DISENSHITTIFY their jobs with INTEROPERABILITY, VOTE FOR THIS ONE!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/17/hack-the-planet/#how-about-a-nice-game-of-chess

Image: https://twitter.com/igama/status/1822347578094043435/ (cropped)

@fak3r@mastodon.social (cropped)

https://mamot.fr/@fak3r@mastodon.social/112963252835869648

CC BY 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/deed.pt

[coffeeman777]

This is for all of my follwers/mutuals who are Christians:

I want to preface this by saying that what I'm about to share with you is only to ask you for prayer. I don't want favors, and I'm not looking for a handout. We need God to open a door for us, and so I beg you, please pray for us.

We moved to Florida coming on three years ago. We came here primarily because we believed God was leading us here. In various ways, we believed God confirmed His will for us, and so I left a great job and we sold a great house to move here. We have been opposed in every way imaginable since.

Days after moving down, Lisa and I were in a terrible car accident that we only walked away from by God's grace. We were rear-ended by an Edible Arrangements delivery truck on the highway, and Lisa sustained significant injuries that are still causing us major problems. The franchise owner was operating their delivery vehicle without insurance, and I've learned since that they shut down their Edible Arrangements franchise and took off, leaving us holding the bag.

I've been in armed security since I got out of the Marines, and in New Hampshire, that was enough to take care of myself and my family. But it isn't in Florida. The pay for most armed security gigs here is super low, and I haven't been able to find work comparable to what I had in New Hampshire. So I tried to change courses.

I earned my personal trainer certification through the National Academy of Sports Medicine, but couldn't make it as a trainer. I made the attempt to go back to college and get a degree and certification as a paramedic, but after months of jumping through hoops, that fell through. I went back to New Hampshire by myself and spent six months away from my family to try to earn enough money working both my old job and a second job, but that plan didn't work because hours were limited with both gigs, and each job wanted me to work overlapping hours; I couldn't make the schedules line up.

My incredibly generous parents-in-law offered to pay our bills so that I could come back to Florida and try a new plan. I went to a CDL training course to get into trucking. After the very long and very expensive process, I finally got my CDL-A. While I was working on that, a random disagreement between my health insurance company and the medical supplier that issued me my cpap (I have sleep apnea) resulted in the supplier demanding that I give them the machine back. It took from middle February to early June for me to get another cpap. The end result is that, as of today, I have just under two months of cpap usage data. I discovered only after getting my CDL that no trucking company will hire me with less than 90 days of cpap usage data.

I've been pre-hired and subsequently turned away from three different trucking companies since I got my CDL over the cpap nonsense (one of which told me that what I had for cpap usage was fine, only to tell me on the first day of orientation that it actually wasn't fine, and they had to let me go). It's going to be another month before I can get started with any trucking company, and I'm concerned that I'll have to go to refresher training, which will only increase the months of time I'll have to spend as a trainee with whatever company hires me, which means it will be a long time before I make enough money to survive.

My in-laws can't continue paying our bills, and although I've had a half dozen low paying jobs in this time just to be bringing in something, now I'm struggling to get anything. I've applied to more jobs than I can remember, and I can't get any traction. Not even Domino's will call me back. Our backs are up against a wall.

My first payment for the money I borrowed to pay for CDL school was due almost a month ago, and I haven't been able to pay it (I had to get financing because my GI Bill expired and the VA ignored my request for an extension). Rent is almost 2k a month. We can't afford groceries (we've been living off of food pantries).

I don't know what to do. I've been crying out to God for an open door, but so far nothing has happened. My in-laws are just about tapped out, and in my mind, the only thing worse than wrecking my own family financially is dragging them down with me.

Please pray for us. Please pray for God to give us an open door, or some understanding of what to do next. I know God didn't bring us here to let us die. God is good, and God keeps His promises. God is perfect, and righteous, and just in all His ways. God has promised that He will turn about all things for the good of them that love Him. I know God has not abandoned us, and that when the time is right, God will make a way.

I say again, I am not looking for favors or begging for money. I know all of us are really going through it right now. All I want from you is prayer. Please pray intensely for us.

Thanks, I love you all.

[1d1195]

Dolcezza Extra II

Read Dolcezza here | ~2.4k words

From me: something sweet and sexy

Warnings: smut, oral, and nothing else except some fluffy bits

Summary: She's had a long day and Harry wants to make it better.

There was a knock on her door immediately followed by Harry’s key unlocking the door. Harry always knocked even though she assured him it wasn’t necessary. “Jus’ want you t’know s’me,” he shrugged when she told him. She glanced up from her desk to see Harry enter. “Hey Principessa,” he smiled tiredly. A double at the restaurant on a Saturday was brutal. But it was especially brutal during the holiday season when people flitted in and out between shopping for gifts and getting holiday dinners done with extended friends and family.

He looked exhausted.

She knew the feeling.

“Hi baby,” she smiled. Even if he was tired, he was still really pretty and lovely. She didn’t know he was going to come up after his shift. Sometimes after a double, he wanted to go home and shower. But today he seemed to be in need of some snuggles.

She was still working. Which made Harry a bit insane. On a Saturday night. She could see it in his eyes as he crossed the room. His exhaustion slowly replaced by worry for how much she was doing. What did she prioritize today that resulted in her being unable to do something she loved and had to catch up on work at a late hour? Did Emma have a math assignment she needed to look over? James and Ethan needed her help with cleaning? Or did her mom ask her for help booking a hotel for the family wedding in the coming month?

Harry hated his double shifts not only because he couldn’t see her, but because he couldn’t take her control (just a hair) so that she wouldn’t end up working at eleven at night on a Saturday. “Bad day?” She asked.

He rolled his eyes. He was tired, but it wasn’t a bad day. Honestly, he had fun at work. He and Niall worked well together so unless it was busy and understaffed, it never felt much like work. “No, kitten. M’annoyed you’re working.”

She dropped her gaze. “I like working,” she reminded him.

“Shouldn’t be working at eleven at night,” he reminded her.

“Well, I was going to read but then I was really into this plan I’ve created. I wanted to make sure I got it done before I lost my train of thought. The data I’m looking at has this really cool model and I was analyzing it, and it looked like it was trending down, but I think it’s actually trending up—” She stopped mid-sentence, her cheeks turning that beautiful shade of pink that Harry fell in love with. “Sorry, you’re tired.”

He smirked. “M’jus’ glad y’didn’t stress yourself doing stuff for your family.”

She looked at her lap. “Do you want me to be honest?” She sighed softly.

He sighed rubbing his hand over his face. “Principessa,” he tutted.

She frowned, fidgeting her fingers while Harry sat beside her. “They’re just so helpless Harry.”

“I know, kitten. But they’re all adults.”

“Barely,” she grumbled.

Harry sighed, pulling her into his lap and kissing the top of her head. He was glad all that had happened in this apartment didn’t deter her from living in it. Harry loved this apartment. Loved that it was right above him while he worked, that she was never too far away from him. “How much time do y’need?” He asked rubbing the back of his head. He didn't want to give her time. But he wanted her to be happy. Work did make her happy and he knew she would feel guilty if she didn't finish it and it would spiral into her worrying more anyway.

“Twenty minutes.”

“Twenty. I’ll take a shower. Then we can go t’bed, yeah?”

She nodded. “Sounds like a plan,” she pressed her hands on either side of his face and brought her mouth to his. “You made garlic bread and didn’t bring me any,” she frowned licking her lower lip.

He snorted. “Niall told me t’leave,” he shook his head. “He’ll bring some up when he’s done cleaning up.”

She smiled delightedly. “I have the best life,” she sighed dreamily, falling back into her swivel chair dramatically. Harry kissed her forehead.

“Don’t work too hard, Principessa.”

*

Harry enjoyed the warmth of the shower and felt a little more like himself when he returned to her in the living room. Her eyes still focused on her screen; the pinch of her brow puckered in complete concentration. “Um...any chance you’d be okay with like ten more minutes of me working? Emma called me because...well, I don’t want to bug you with the details, but she needed my help and—”

Harry knew whatever it was, she was putty to her younger sister’s request. She was too sweet, his pretty princess. “S’fine, but m’gonna help,” he turned her desk chair, so she spun to face him. She frowned.

“Hey, I was—”

He ignored her protest and lifted her from the chair to the desk lifting underneath her thighs. Harry was glad she was wearing her sleep shorts. The ones with an impractical slit on either side of her hips. A T-shirt that didn’t match swam around her frame. One that she bought because it was easily three sizes too big.

“Harry,” she tried again, steadying herself with hands on his arms as he gently pushed her laptop away from her reach followed by the notebook and pen she used to jot down her notes and to-do list. “I was—”

Harry watched her eyes and slid his hand up the inside of her thigh, through the leg opening, and pressed his fingers right past her underwear, between her folds, and directly onto her clit. Cutting her off with a gasp. “You were what?” He asked softly. Even if she wanted to talk she couldn’t. “M’jus’ going t’take care of you, Principessa. Y’do too much for everyone else. S’only fair.” Her heart rate was flying, and it mirrored the rapid fluttering of her eyelashes as Harry searched gently between the soft sensitive skin between her thighs. “S’that okay?” He asked.

She nodded breathlessly.

“Good,” he sighed. “Love t’take care of you,” he murmured and knelt down so his head was between her thighs. “Y’okay, kitten?”

She nodded again. “Please,” she whispered shyly.

“Aw, y’don’t have t’beg, Principessa. I’ll give y’anything y’want,” he winked, tugged the fabric that was in his way from between her thighs, and then pressed his mouth to her center. She gasped leaning forward, threading her fingers through his hair for balance. His locks were still damp from his shower, and she knew she would mess up the curls and flow from messing with it before it was dried. She hoped she could blame it on bed head.

She supposed in some ways it was bed head.

She moaned quietly as his mouth devoured her. Suckling and licking at her just the way she liked. Harry loved to be between her thighs. It was a regular part of their foreplay, and it never ceased to amaze her how deliriously good it felt. His lips and tongue were sinful. The man was so sweet looking and downright boyish with his cheeky sweet grin. For fucks sake he called her a princess in another language. “Y’can moan louder, baby. Y’know it’s soundproof,” he murmured kissing her thigh as he spoke to her before he wrapped his lips around her clit.

Just like that. Her sweet boyfriend was anything but sweet when he said stuff like that. When he swirled and lapped at her clit the way he was. It was dizzying.

She whined pulling on his hair to press him harder against her core. He moaned against her as she did. The vibration caused her body to react instinctively. Her thighs tightened around his head, and he moaned again. “That’s good, Principessa,” his voice was practically thoughtful. “So good, kitten. S’that feel good?”

She nodded. “Yes, yes, yes,” she whispered the repeated word as if it was all the same syllable.

“You’re so good, Principessa. Jus’ want t’make y’feel good,” he nipped at her inner thighs while he spoke his breath cooling off her wet skin. She was simply soaked between her arousal and Harry’s mouth. “All jealous ‘bout garlic bread," he teased, shaking his head. "Y’taste better than anything we make,” he mumbled and traced his tongue down her slit then back up, running a tantalizing circle around her clit again. Her eyes actually rolled back in her head. She thought that was only in books and for dramatic show in movies. She didn’t know Harry could really make her eyes look for the back of her brain. He sucked hard on her clit making an obscene slurping noise that would have embarrassed her if her place wasn’t soundproofed to near silence. Although she thought the moan she released could have broken the barrier. “Y’make such sexy noises, kitten,” he groaned and continued to torture her with pleasure.

“Harry,” she gasped.

“What Principessa? Y’close? Y’want me t’make y’come?” She nodded shamelessly; wanting it so bad she thought she would cry if he denied her (as if he could ever dream of denying her anything). “M’jus’ going t’touch—”

She cried out as he pressed his finger into her. His lips wrapped around her clit while his tongue continued circling around the sensitive nub. He rubbed his finger against her walls, once more feeling around expertly, the way she liked that made her toes curl.

The smug son of a bitch smiled against her as she clenched lightly around him. “That’s it, Principessa. Want you t’come all over me,” he moved his finger in and out at a faster pace timing it with his licks so that she was nearly worried she was going to pass out from pleasure.

“Oh fuck, yes,” she whimpered, and Harry groaned right against her.

“Keep going, baby,” he hummed fingering her and licking her like it was the only thing he planned on doing. “There it is, good kitten,” he praised which only made her melt into a puddle.

Her orgasm seemed to last way longer than she thought possible. Her thighs kept squeezing around him after it officially stopped. Like she was trying to hold onto the final waves of pleasure. “Do y’want another?” He inquired thoughtfully once more.

Another orgasm, especially of that caliber, would definitely make her pass out.

“No thank you,” she whispered.

He chuckled and kissed the inside of her thigh. He pulled her clothing back into the correct position and he sat in her office chair before he pulled her into his lap. She could feel how hard he was through the shorts he was wearing as she fell into his hold. He kissed her neck, wrapping one arm securely around her waist. The other hand found her inner thigh, slightly sticky with sweat, arousal, and Harry’s saliva. It was hot and messy, but Harry didn’t seem to care. Probably because he was responsible for the mess. Instinctively, she squeezed her thighs again, against his hand. “Y’sure, Principessa? M’happy t’make y’come again,” he offered kissing her cheek. “Y’seem a little turned on still?”

“Just... it felt really good. It’s,” she blushed and smiled at him shyly. “It’s lasting a while,” she mumbled and tucked her face into his neck.

His quiet laugh shook through his chest and her in his embrace. “You’re so pretty,” he murmured. “Especially when y’come.” She shook her head against him, but her thighs betrayed her again. “Let’s go t’bed, Principessa.”

She perked up a bit. Her eyebrows knitting together to meet in the middle of her eyes. “I think it’s your turn—”

“Oh no,” he shook his head. “Some other time. That was purely for you,” he stood, holding her legs around his waist. She blushed, giggled softly.

“Harry, you had such a long day. It’s hardly fair.”

“Not 'bout being fair. Plus going down on you s’by far one of m’favorite things t’do," he shrugged one shoulder.

Her cheeks still felt warm. “You’re pretty good at it,” she nodded in agreement.

Harry chuckled. “Cute.”

He walked to her bedroom, setting her on the bed. “I really needed to finish a few things—”

“It can wait ‘till the morning.”

She sighed. He was right. Harry was good at making sure she was doing more for herself. Although that usually entailed him doing stuff for her. Which didn’t seem like a good trade. Harry opened her main door briefly. He returned to the bedroom holding out the garlic bread immediately to her lips. With his free hand he cupped it below her jaw to catch any crumbs that didn't make it into her mouth.

“I really do have the best life,” she sighed, crunching on the bread. He smirked.

“Do y'want more?”

She shook her head. “I love you,” she sighed dreamily.

He laughed and kissed the top of her head. “I love you.”

Harry put the garlic bread in her kitchen, turned off all the lights, and came back to her bedroom. “Let me brush my teeth. Garlic isn’t pretty.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” he assured her, cupped her face and kissed her as passionately as he could. Like it was their first kiss. Or the one they shared the first time they had sex. The kind of kiss she imagined would greet them on their wedding day, whenever that would be. He pulled away briefly, pecked her more softly, then kissed her forehead. “Delicious,” he promised, licking his lips cutely.

Harry went to the other side of the bed and pulled her to his body as soon as he was settled. His arms wrapped tightly around her, his lips on the back of her head, kissing her hair. “Are you sure you don’t want me to do something for you?”

“M’always turned on by you, Principessa. Don’t worry ‘bout it. Jus’ taking care of you.”

“But you had a long day.”

He shrugged. “M’feeling fine. Don’t worry ‘bout me, kitten. I promise.”

“I worry about—”

“I know,” he chuckled, squeezing her closer somehow. His body wrapped around hers like vine. “Go t’sleep, Principessa. Y’can go back t’being an angel tomorrow and taking care of everyone under the sun,” he sighed.

She shook with silent laughter. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, kitten. I get jus’ as much pleasure out of that as you.”

“That can’t possibly be true.”

“If y’let me do it again, I’d definitely come,” he shrugged one shoulder and he kissed the back of her head then tucked his face into the crook of her neck. “I love you,” he reminded her.

“I love you,” she sighed.

“Sleep tight, Principessa.”

For a few moments there was no noise except their quiet breathing. “Harry?”

“Hmm?” She squirmed awkwardly. “Do you want another orgasm, now?”  She shook her head. “More garlic bread?” A swift nod. He chuckled untangling himself from her. “One minute, m’love.”

“God, I am the luckiest girl in the world.”

--

general taglist: @justlemmeadoreyou @daydreamingofmatilda @sunshinemoonsposts @loving-hazz @likeapplejuicenpeach

@straightontilmornin @freedomfireflies @littlenatilda @kathb59 @babegoals

@angel-upon @lilfreakjez @mleestiles @ameliaalvarez06 @canyonmoondreams

@summertime-pills @daphnesutton @l4rrysh0use @perfectywrong @foreverxholland

@lovrave @st-ev-ie @pandeebearstyles @toosarcastic03 @luvonstyles

@tenaciousperfectionunknown @classychalamet @love-letters-to-uranus @emmaawbr @crossyourpeter

@kissinthekitchen @kittenhere @stylesfever @indierockgirrl @michellekstyles

@just-another-reader1098 @hermionelove @tiredinwinter @whimsy-willows @hannah9921

@fangirl7060 @triski73 @vikiii07 @prettygurl-2009 @madstyles3204

@angeldavis777 @tchlamqtsgf @lizsogolden @me-undiscovered @you-sunshine

@rose-girls-world @claimingharrystigertattoo @inlikea-coolway

I'm sorry if I missed anyone in the taglist. Please let me know if you'd like to join, if it didn't work, if you no longer want to be included, etc. :)

If you like this, check out my masterlist here

[locusfandomtime]

Doing the maths: Grian's failure at getting a mending book

lots of talk about maths and probabilities below the cut! but there's a graph and simple explanation at the end if you want to get the gist of it and are bad at maths.

(I am still young and learning maths, critique/advice always welcomed)

What are the odds of getting a mending book in Minecraft?

(I am assuming Grian has been doing all his fishing with Luck of the Sea 3)

The probability of a mending book is actually a bit annoying to estimate. The Minecraft Wiki lists fishing up an enchanted book as 1.9% chance. This is for ANY enchanted book. The Minecraft wiki talks about how the chance of an enchantment being selected is calculated. Mending has a weight of 2. Using the table, mending has a probability of 2/135.

However, Grian is looking for any book with mending, not just a pure mending book. Additional enchantments are calculated in a different way, involving RNG, which means it won't be as easy to model. Due to this reason, I'll just be using the odds for a pure mending book throughout.

TLDR: a mending book has a 0.028..% chance (2/135*0.019*100)

Grian's Data

According to this screenshot, Grian has used a fishing rod 5679 times. This number may not be fully accurate, as it includes the times he's fished other players, rather than just fished for items, but it is a good estimate.

To help visualise this data, with a median waiting time between catches of 17.5 seconds, Grian has spent over 20 hours fishing so far! He may have a problem.

Is this statistically significant?

Hypothesis testing (p-value approach):

H0: p = 19/67500 (the null hypothesis - he has no mending books because of chance)

H1: p < 19/67500 (the alternate hypothesis - he has no mending books due to different odds)

5679 trials, 0 mending books

X ~ B(5679, 19/67500) (binomial distribution, 5679 tries with a probability of a mending book being 19/67500, where X is the number of mending books)

p(X=0) (what is the probability the number of mending books being 0)

p = 0.2021473392

Now, the point at which data becomes significant is subjective. For instance, you *could* get a million heads in a row flipping a coin, it's not impossible, but at a certain point, you can begin to say "okay there's something not normal about this". For this approach, the closer the p-value is to 0, the more evidence there is against the null hypothesis . The p-value here is far above a significance level of 0.01, or 0.05, or 0.1. There isn't a clear line between significant/non-significant, but this is answer is quite a bit far from 0

With this, I cannot reject the null hypothesis.

Personal conclusion: this is not statistically significant, Grian is just unlucky.

Are other values statistically significant?

Gem's proposed 9000: results in a p-value of 0.079... more significant than Grian's number but I don't imagine Mojang would be too concerned. As said though, it's all subjective.

I am bad at maths, what does all this mean?

Here is a graph, showing what number of mending books you might have after 5679 tries. The height of the bar represents the probability of getting that amount. The numbers at the top are the (rounded) numbers I used in my calculation

The pink column is 0 mending books - like what Grian has! As you can see, it is less likely than getting 1 or 2 books, but not too uncommon to happen.

End conclusion: Grian has bad luck. Like, not as hilariously bad as he thinks, but still bad. If he keeps going, chances are he will get a mending book, but I think he should probably stop fishing because at this point he has a problem.

[soul-collectors]

SOUL Collectors 101 - #1 : Anomaly SOULs

Presented by Edu! a Science!Sans variant specializing in studying these anomalies!

-What are Anomaly SOULs?

Put it simply; They’re SOULs affected by a timeline glitch that gives the concealed human SOULs shape and matter, virtually reviving them!

it usually happens after an “ending” has registered into the timeline Where the SOULs are supposed to just- disappear.

Every time the file save of that timeline is loaded or reset without properly handling the Anomaly SOULs, they’re reformed.

-Stages of reformation

Beginning with a simplified Vistage, they eventually develop to a more accurate shape of the departed human, even recovering their memories at a certain point- until uhm...I haven’t gotten enough data to know haha..!

Their memories may develop in different ways with each reset! Some might only remember their fall and some might recall everything to their last breath..oof...

Anomaly Souls cannot be absorbed nor shattered! They simply “refuse” to. Literally.

Only SOUL Collectors can properly contain Anomaly SOULs. Other methods have been used, but they usually yield less favorable results. We’re still discovering more about them, though!

If a SOUL Collector frees an Anomaly SOUL after containing them, it usually takes from a few hours to days or even weeks for their Vistage to reform depending on what phase they were collected in.

-How do you tell the difference?

You can’t- at least not your normal, everyday person. By themself, SOUL Anomalies look almost indistinguishable from a normal SOUL. You won’t know unless you try shattering or absorbing it-!

Some Monsters and humans from other universes have trained themselves to tell the difference! And some are just “born” to it- like SOUL Collectors-!

-Are they dangerous?

ehhh…Not really- I mean Yes!! *some* are! But for the first few phases that ARE harmless, down the line, they may pose a threat to the timeline and its inhabitants, especially if agitated…

-Monsters affected by Anomaly SOULs.

If an Anomaly SOUL attacks and kills a monster and the save file is loaded/reset, the Monster will return somewhat physically similar to an amalgamate.

Their SOUL reforms their body in the same way as a SOUL Anomaly’s “but it refused” mentality.

Except- unlike a human’s, the Monster’s SOUL isn’t capable of properly reforming itself…thus they come out...misshapen.

I haven’t seen many cases, thankfully. But, from the data I collected from SOUL collectors themselves; this is one of the main reasons they collect anomaly SOULs: to protect the inhabitants of timelines and the multiverse from collapsing into itself in chaos.

That's probably the gist of it- We're still researching Anomaly SOULs especially Whenever Soul visits this timeline-

.

[This is just the basic info about Anomaly SOULs, More information and examples will be posted throughout the account/story!]

[crios31]

Chapter 2: Traveling to Japan

Story building and smut (Cunnilingus, cowgirl, creampie, doggy style)

Lenght 2700 words

You are at the airport and it’s finally time to board your plane to Japan with Wendy for a new chapter of your life.

“Take care of each other over there.” Says your mother, hugging both of you. “Ah, I almost forgot, it’s the file concerning the scholarship program plus some other things that I deemed useful.” She releases her hug before giving you the files which you put in your backpack. “Thanks mom.”

“Say hello to everyone on our behalf.” asks your father when it’s his turn to hug you.

Your goodbyes now done, you board the plane , waving one last time to your parents on the way. Inside the plane, you both go to your place in first class and  follow the instructions of the crew before the take-off.

An hour later, the plane is now at cruising altitude so you decide to read the file your mother gave. On the seat beside you, Wendy is reading a book.

The first part of the file is about the public information that you mostly know. That the program is for girls that show aptitude academically or athletically and it was created by your Mother after she opened her first school. Scholarship recipients are accepted in all your Mother’s school or can in another school if they don’t want to move, in both cases all of their living expenses are taken care of. The rules they had to follow are simple, maintaining good results and good behavior. 

The second part is about the non-public information. To start, the real way to enter the program is that your mother chose them, the academic or athletic potential being one more reason. By entering the program, there is more than just living expenses that are taken care of, more financial support could be given like paying a family debt. Other specific issues can also be resolved. Another benefit is the possibility to have access to private tutoring to skip grades in order to graduate earlier. In exchange for all of that, one more rule exists, they are not allowed to date.

Regarding the selection of those that will work for you, most of them cannot refuse it. Wendy was one of the exceptions. For the selection process of the applicants it is a strict one, a minimum age requirement of eighteen moreover the appearance and personality are taken into account for the decision. Those that fall short will be recommended to other employers, also a possibility is to become a standard employee in one of your ventures because of their skills. In those two cases they will become exempt from the rules of the program after graduation. In exchange they will only be asked to recruit people that could enter the program. This part also contains detailed data about the cost of the program, the number of recipients and so on.

Finally, the last part of the file begins with a note explaining that the goal of the program and the selection is for you to have people you can trust at your side and that you’ll slowly take responsibility in the program. After this section of the note you read “Grandkids?” followed by a winking smiley, both seemed to have been handwritten by your mother. This addition from her makes you laugh. The end of the note informed that the documents following it are profiles of girls she deemed ready for selection.

From your first look, there are around twenty candidates' profiles and all of them are older than you. You take your time studying each of them, taking notes. You also ask Wendy to look at each of the profiles after you’re done with it.

Later during the flight, you have just finished sorting out the profiles with Wendy in order to select a first batch of girls that will work for you.

“We are down to three sir, two of them are studying in the University that you will join, while the last one is studying in another one, in Seoul. How do you want to proceed?”

“For the one in the other University, just give her the news and explain to her that she can focus on University for now. For the others, we'll contact them to set up a meeting, starting with this one.” You give a specific profile to Wendy.

“Kim Minji? Understood, I'll arrange that during our stay in Japan.”

A few hours after the plane landed at Narita Airport, you have settled in at your hotel. Sitting in the hotel’s restaurants you are savoring with Wendy some Kobe’s beef. Finishing your plate, you look on your left, through the window at Tokyo’s nighttime view.

“So delicious I really wanted to taste this if I ever had the opportunity to come to Japan.”

“I’ll make sure you can try as many specialties as you can during our stay.”

“So many things come to my mind!”

As you talk, the waiter takes your empty dishes and quickly comes back with the dessert.

“Oh it’s so good too, I’ll try to do one later.”

You smile looking at the baking fanatic. “Do you want to try mine?” You push your plate toward her.

“Yes, thanks.” She quickly takes a big spoonful of your dessert. “It’s delicious too.”

“You can finish it”

“Really? Are you full?” She asks her spoon hovering above the dessert.

“Not really but I will eat another dessert in our room tonight.” You answer, looking at her in the eyes.

She raises an eyebrow at your answer before focusing back on the sweet treat in front of her. When she finishes it, you pay for the meal complimenting the service and the food to the waiter, then you exit the restaurant.

In the elevator, you take a look at Wendy, in particular her miniskirt and you can’t stop yourself from touching her butt.

“Sir?” She turns her head toward you in surprise. Two floors later, the elevator stops for other people to enter, in reaction, Wendy immediately shoves your hand away from her. You wait for them to turn their backs to you before once again grabbing her behind, but this time your hand is under her skirt. Her body becomes tense and you smile mischievously at her when your eyes cross hers. You continue to fondle her ass, sometimes brushing your middle finger against her pussy, as the elevator goes up you can feel her slowly becoming wet. 

When you arrive at your floor, you reluctantly stop. Wendy quickly passes the opened door of the elevator and you follow suit, after entering your room she sits on the bed looking at you.

“Couldn’t you wait for us to be in the room to do that?” 

“No, your cute little butt was too tempting.” You walk toward the bed, stopping in front of Wendy, you lean forward putting your hands on her tights. “And it was fun watching you get all flustered.” You give her a quick peck.

“Fun for you.”  She complains in a low voice feeling your hands behind her knees.

“Now let’s have some fun, shall we?” You suddenly lift her legs causing her to yelp as she loses her balance, her upper body falling on the mattress. You grab her panties and take it off from her body. Placing your hands on the back of her thighs, you spread them.

You get on your knees as you begin kissing her legs, starting from her calves,  slowly making your way up her leg. She feels the touch of your lips approaching her pussy, you alternate from one leg to the other. Wendy's growing excitement makes her breathing quicker as she bites her bottom lip. 

Finally arriving at your destination, you take a look at her glistening folds. You lick her lower lips before inserting your tongue inside her. As you explore her pussy your jaw gets wet from her nectar.

“Fuck… that’s feel good.” She gasps, putting one hand on your head when you replace your tongue with your finger in order to tease her small bud with your mouth. You hook your finger toward the roof of her pussy. Her angelic voice gets louder and her walls get tighter as you continue with your task.

“I’m getting close.” Hearing this, you put a second finger in her and intensify your tongue’s work.

You feel her grip in your hair tightening and the heels of her shoes burying in your back, causing you some pain. But soon enough her hips rise from the bed taking support on you with her legs and the mattress for her upper body. From her mouth comes a scream of pleasure as she orgasms.

Her body relaxes, freeing you from her legs. You stand up and look at Wendy who is still feeling the aftermath of her climax. You take off your shirt her wipe your face of her slicks

“Do you want me to return the favor?” Wendy asks in a soft voice.

“Maybe another time, for now I want to be in you.” You get naked finally freeing your member, climbing on the bed, you give a long kiss to your partner.

“Then let me be on top.” She says as you let her push you to lay on your back. Wendy takes off her shoes then standing up, she unzips her skirt while looking at you. As the garment fell at her feet she smiles feeling your gaze on her exposed lower body. She places herself above you, taking a hold of your cock to align it with her entrance.

“Damn feels good.” You say watching your length disappear in Wendy when she lowers body.

“You’re stretching me so much.”She began to ride you, taking support on your chest. At first, she starts slowly before gradually increasing her pace.

On your side you're not inactive, taking hold of her waist to help her before sliding a hand under her top. You feel her abs as she drops on you, moving your hand higher,  you take hold of one of her boobs over her bra. Her breast in your grasp, you start kneading it.

Locking eyes with Wendy you feel the grip of her walls around your member getting stronger, in response you raise your hips meeting halfway when she drops on you.

“Sir... Shit! I’m coming.” She stops moving her body tensing up as she cums, her walls clamping around your cock.

“I’m close too.” Using both your hands you lift her body before bringing her down, each time hitting her cervix. Soon enough, you discharge a big load inside her. 

Following your release Wendy falls on you, her head resting on your chest and you both take some time to catch your breath. You feel yourself getting soft in her as you put your arms around her. 

“Let’s get something to drink.” You say giving a light smack on her butt before releasing the hug.

“I’m so full, good thing that I take birth control or I would end up pregnant before long.” Says Wendy as she gets off from you with your semen leaking from her slit.

“Yeah, it’s too early for a kid.” You follow Wendy, taking the glass of water she hands you. While you clench your thirst she takes off her top and bra. You look at her nude body moving to the front of the window.

“I dreamed about visiting new countries and right now I can enjoy this beautiful view.” She says watching the city’s light. “And in addition to that I get to travel with a handsome man.” Turning her head she gives you a wide smile.

“Well now that I know this information, I’ll have you accompany me every time I travel abroad.”

“That would be nice.” She responds with a chuckle. “I heard good things about you before but I didn’t expect you to treat me so well until now. I hope it’ll stay like that”

“Well, you are someone fun to be with,plus you are also a smart and attractive woman. So, I see no reason to change it.” While talking you approach her, taking her into your embrace.

“Thanks.” She whispers, as she puts her hands on top of yours. Both of you stay silent observing the outside but at one point Wendy feels your cock hardening against her butt. “Someone wants more.”

“Always, and I don’t think I’m the only one with how you're grinding your butt against me.”

“You caught me.” She bends over leaning on the window.

You slightly bend your knees to align your cock with her pussy, putting your tip against it. “Hope you’re ready because I won’t stop until the end.” Taking a firm hold of her hips, you thrust all your length inside her in one go.

“Ahhh! Fuck so deep!” As she takes your onslaught, Wendy has to tiptoed and progressively gets her body closer to the window. Soon enough she finds herself with her upper body stuck against the glass. Under your thrust against the entrance of her womb, her pussy begins to twitch as she orgasms.

As you warn her before you continue to fuck her hard throughout her climax as you are far from yours. Following this, she cums again at least twice, hence her eyes are now rolled back, her mouth is open with only moans coming out of it. Furthermore, the only reason why she is still standing is you.

“Where do you want me to cum?”

“Anywhere, just cum.. it’s too much.” She barely answered between moans.

Following her words, you quickly make a decision as you are reaching your limit. You take out your cock of her snatch, placing it between her asscheeks. Giving a few thrusts to finish yourself, you then release streams of semen across her back.

You release your hold on Wendy’s waist. Without any strength left in her legs, she falls on the floor, resting her upper body against the window.

You take a few steps back, relishing the sight in front of you with the city and Tokyo’s Tower as background. Through the fog on the glass caused by your frolicking, the city’s lights are partially illuminating Wendy’s naked body and her cum covered back

“I agree with your earlier comment, this is a great view.” You immortalize this scene with a photo.

During the following days, you both explored the streets of Tokyo. Visiting the traditional district of Asakusa with its Sanctuary and the National Museum of Tokyo. Other places you get to see were, the Kokyo Gaien National Garden where you both enjoyed the peace and quiet before having a tour in the Imperial Palace of Tokyo which is beside it. Along the way, you also tried a lot of different kinds of food.

At the end of your stay in Tokyo, you take the Shinkansen to Osaka. After arriving and dropping your luggage at the hotel, you take a taxi, remembering some memories linked to this city during the ride. 

The taxi stops in front of a two storey house, after paying the driver you ring the doorbell. A few moments later, a man who looks to be in his early forties gets out of the house, opening the gate to Wendy and you.

“Ah, good to see you kid.” says the man in Japanese

“Good to see you too, Uncle. Here is a gift for receiving us.”

“Thank you, oh nice wine, I think I drank some in the past, with your father. By the way, who is this young lady?”

“This is Wendy. Wendy, this is uncle Kosaku” You make the presentation as Wendy doesn't speak Japanese and your uncle, while he can somewhat understand Korean he is not fluent in It.

“Let’s get inside, the other should be waiting for you.” You both followed him inside the house. Immediately after taking off your shoes, your hear footsteps quickly approaching you. You only have the time to raise your head before someone hugs you.

“I’m so happy you’re here! I missed you so much!” says the owner of the feminine voice, hugging you.

“I missed you too, Sana.” You say, returning the hug.

[rpgchoices]

The result of the DA romances survey (>2000 partecipants!) - Part 1

2273 people answered the survey, thank you so much! I truly did not expect such a big number and I am so humbled!

With all this data I wanted here to present the general results, and then work a bit more with correlations (ex. Zevran romancers... who did they prefer in next games?) in a part 2. So this part 1 will be a summary (with graphs) of the whole survey. The original survey was here on google form, I reopened it only to allow people to check how each question was written.

This first part is divided in:

General considerations on the sample size

General data

Dragon Age: origins (spoilers)

Dragon Age 2 (spoilers)

Dragon Age Inquisition (spoilers)

Dragon Age The Veilguard (no spoilers)

1. General considerations on the sample size

The survey was open from 16th November to 23rd November and 2273 people answered.

A consideration always must be done of the sample. In this case I wanted to underline that the places where I shared the survey and especially where it found track are well represented, while I definitely missed other portions of the fandom.

In general I shared the survey on tumblr (here), on twitter, on blue sky and on reddit. On twitter and blue sky I received a very small number of likes and retweet, while mainly the survey was shared on tumblr and it received comments here on reddit. Twitter, tumblr and bluesky are more correlated to a closer circle than places like reddit, so for completion sake: my rpgchoices tumblr is mainly about queer romances and videogames with queer content, my twitter is less DA-focused (actually only DA focused recently) and my bluesky is very very small.

Also keep in mind that people who have access to playing data will always have the correct data, because this sample size here reflects the online active fandom (mainly on reddit and tumblr) and not the general player base!

Another thing: I really regret not adding a question about age, gender and where you found the survey!

2. General data

The first question is, of course, which games did you play? People could choose multiple games at one:

I was quite surprised to see that Inquisition was the game most people played, but in general these was little difference between the three main games: DAI, DAO and DA2.

Veilguard (in violet) was divided between "Finished at least once" and "playing" and the sum of the two is 1998, which puts it just after Trespasser.

DAO DLCs are also the less played in general (with Darkspawn chronicles the least played), but with Awakening more played than DA2: Legacy and DA2: Mark of the Assassin.

Now, jumping into romances:

The majority of people seem to have a canon romance for each game (56%). 26% of people instead have different player characters for different romances (just like me!) while 15% of people mix it up!

Regarding the total characters that can be romanced in all the games (please ignore the colors, I messed the up... I am sorry):

For these graphs we can look right at the top and see that in both cases: Alistair is first. Alistair was the character that was romanced at least once and also multiple times the most. The order is the same for the first group of characters (in order): Alistair, Fenris, Zevran, Anders, Solas, Cullen, Dorian. The rest is relatively similar, with only some swaps.

For Veilguard (in violet) the numbers are smaller because the game is still new, so not many occasions to romance multiple characters. Lucanis in both cases was the most romanced in Veilguard and the one most romanced multiple times (126).

There was also another general question at the end, regarding other videogames with romances:

Congrats to the 5 people who played Hero-U rogue to redemption (it was adorable).

The question was framed with (for example) "Baldur's Gate games" so any game from 1 to 3. All these games have romances and are rpg, also if not all of them have queer romances.

Probably thanks to BG3 we have Baldur's Gate games in first place, with 1941 people (almost close to the full amount of the sample!) who played them, followed by the Mass Effect trilogy and Elder Scroll games.

If I can personally recommend games on the bottom half of the list: Pendula Swing (1920s urban fantasy, no combat, queer romances, female protagonist), Sorcery! (male or female protagonist, only 1 romance option who is a guy who tries to assassinate you, 4 games, text rpg, lots of choices, fantasy), Enderal (free pc mod for Skyrim with its own world, lore and story, one of the best game opening scenes ever if not the best, fully voiced, action rpg, queer romance, two tomance options) and Rogue Trader (isometric rpg in Warhammer universe, no knowlegde of the world or lore required, sci fi, turn based combat, multiple romances, queer romances, 1 d/s romance where you can choose to be dom or sub) are among my favorite games ever.

3. DRAGON AGE ORIGINS (spoilers from the game)

Alistair was the romance most favorited by people who answered the survey, with 38% of people choosing him, followed by Zevran (26%) and Morrigan (18%). A very small amount of people (3%) had no one as their favorite/canon romance.

Second fav romance was basically the same graph again!

Regarding the player character:

Female human Warden (Cousland) was the Warden that seems most played by the sample size, both for being considered the canon one (surpassing second place: female city elf, by almost double) and for being played at least once.

I also found it interesting that the order of female and male characters is the same. In general female Wardens are more popular (68%) but the order of popularity for origin being played at least once is still: human noble, city elf, dalish elf, elf mage, human mage, dwarf noble and dwarf commoner.

For what is considered canon, the order seems to change, with city elf male falling down the other elves, and human mage being even less popular.

There were also two questions about Morrigan and Alistair's destinies, but people let me know I missed some options, apologies! So take these with a grain of salt:

4. DRAGON AGE 2 (SPOILERS)

For favorite romance in DA2 we have Fenris taking even a bigger % of "fav romance" than Alistair in DAO (and keep in mind Alistair had less competitors!), followed by Anders (24%) and Isabela (15%).

Interesting for the second favorite romance it is the "No second favorite, only one favorite" that wins with 31%! This means that in DA2, a 31% of people just have a strong preference for one romance only.

Regarding the player character (Hawke):

(top graph) purple female Hawke seems to be the one that is preferred as canon Hawke, followed by purple male hawke. Red hawke (both genders) was the least chosen one.

(bottom graph) in general, Marian Hawke had a higher number of players (played at least once as) than Garrett Hawke, but the difference was not as big as we saw between female and male protagonists in DAO.

(pie graph) regarding the customization, the majority of people (51%) customized all of their Hawke, indipendently from gender and playthrough. A big number (33%) instead used the default Hawke, while others preferred a mix of the two (depending on gender or playthrough).

VARRIC!

39% of players would have romanced Varric in DA2 if he had been available! But interestingly this pie is divided in almost equal parts between yes, no and depending on how the romance actually was (which was the one I chose!).

5. DRAGON AGE INQUISITION

Solas was the most chosen romance (as favorite or canon) in DAI, with 25% of people choosing him. Dorian is second (18%) and Cullen third (15%). The no one (3%) is comparable to the same answer in the previous games.

Maybe unsurprisingly Sera was the least favorite romance among the companions (sigh... she is my canon one), with The Iron Bull also having very similar numbers to her (that surprised me, I admit it!). Josephine was the favorite female romance in DAI (11%).

As for DA2, when I asked about the second favorite romance there was a high number of "no second favorite" (19%), followed by Dorian, then Josephine. I think the fact that we do not have the same order as before (Solas, Dorian, Cullen) might mean that the Solas and Cullan romancer are very dedicated to their romance, especially Solas - who had only a 9% of people that chose him as a second favorite romance.

Regarding the Inquisitor:

Female elf (Lavellan) had an incredibly high number of people choosing her as their canon inquisitor, more than double second place (human female). The rest of the Inquisitors are not too different (a part from dwarves who again get the least amount).

For the question "which of these inquisitors did you play at least once" the order of the choices are pretty similar, with "female elf", "female human", "male elf" and "male human" (in this order) at the top.

Regarding the choice for Divine Victoria:

The majority (60%) chose Leliana as their Divine. In second place instead we had no canon Divine or a change based on playthrough. Vivienne (my Divine!!!) was the least chosen one (I am starting to feel some of my choices are very unpopular haha).

Now, for who did you leave in the fade:

It is pretty clear that (black and red graph, last on the right) Stroud was the easiest to leave in the fade.

(blue and red, first graph on the left) Hawke was also saved the most in games that had Loghain as the other option, with a similar percentage of people that chose to leave Loghain (82%) or Stroud (85%).

Surprisingly this flips (central graph, grey and red) when the choice was between Alistair and Hawke. Hawke in this case was the one left in the Fade, even if in less extreme % (67%), with Alistair being the one usually saved. Which checks out given Alistair was the most popular romance choice in DAO among the people who answered this survey.

6. DRAGON AGE VEILGUARD (NO SPOILERS)

And here the tentatively presented Veilguard results! I say tentatively because we are still very close to release, and a lot of people did not have the time to experience the full game or multiple romances.

In fact, only 11% of people completed multiple playthroughs. 46% completed the game at least once, while 31% are still playing it for the first time.

Regarding the player character, I only added questions regarding factions as they seem much more influential than elf/qunari/dwarf/human:

This was a multiple choice in case people tried different factions! Shadow Dragons, Mourn Watches and Grey Wardens have very similar numbers and are the top three. Surpringly, Veil Jumper was on the bottom (with Lord of Fortune being the least chosen).

Regarding the romances:

Before players started the game it seems like they had an idea among the characters who were romancable, with a lot of people being interested in the three male characters (Lucanis, Emmrich, Davrin) followed by Neve, Harding and Taash. Surprisingly, Bellara was even lower than "none/no spoilers".

In the first game, people followed more or less what they were interested in, with 28% of people going for the Lucanis romance, followed by Emmrich (19%) and then Davrin (16%). Following we have Neve, Harding and then Bellara, which this time surpassed Taash.

When we look at "who is your favorite romance" (graph on the left) we see that things changed based on expectation/who you tried to romance first.

Lucanis is not first anymore, but we actually have Emmrich (23%) as the favorite romance, followed by No one (19%) and only then Lucanis (15%). Davrin is in fourth place with 14%. The rest follows the same order as before, but all the female characters and the one non-binary characters are under "Multiple beloved equally" which is 9%.

Regarding the second favorite romance, maybe (because the game is so new) it is to be expected that the option that wins is "None/I only have one" with 36%, followed by Emmrich (16%) and then Davrin (13%). Interestingly, Lucanis fall to just a 7% under the "Multiple" (11%). I think (like we saw before for Solas and Cullen) it seems like the people who like Lucanis romance him and might not have a second favorite.

I hope you enjoyed this summary!! I cannot wait to make even more graphs and see what else is in this data!

[dearreader]

k so i made this poll awhile ago to answer my question on if people would rather spend a date with a swiftie or an anti-swiftie (someone who hates her and devotes their life to hating on her). i mentioned i didn’t have the spoons to handle it being longer than a day and know it was going to be biased as it would start in my circle and would work it’s way out, so i wanted to do a longer poll when i had the energy to handle a week long poll like that. (i’m assuming when i post this, as i’m pre making it, i’ll be in recovery from my nose surgery since i’ll be stuck at home a week so i’ll have more time to monitor and look at the tags)

so nows the time, but i’m going to addendum the question a bit:

*some extra things that came up on the original poll i didn’t elaborate on fully that i want to make clear:

- you don’t get a say in what type of swiftie you get. assume that you’re going to be spending the evening with someone who massively loves her and her music and wants to discuss it. they’ll talk about songs, their favorite lines and meanings, symbolism behind the reputation album, etc.

- YOU MUST TALK ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT. even if it’s the anti-swiftie you must talk about her. i understand the sentiment people made on her not coming up, and that’s valid, but that’s not the question i’m asking. YOU HAVE TO SPEND THE EVENING WITH SOMEONE WHOS GOING TO TALK ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT NONSTOP, WILL IT BE THE LOVER OR HATER?

- im just trying to gather a general consensus on this and want to get data from a lot of people which means this is going to end up on people’s blogs who probably hate swifties and are annoyed by them. that’s okay as that’s the point of my question. but if you’re going to go off in the tags about how much you hate her or hate swifties and be an asshole about it im blocking you. you can just simple say “i hate her/i hate swifties” and don’t need to elaborate. you don’t need to sit in the tags going off on how much you hate her and trying to “defend” yourself from swifties. i just want an answer to the question.

- ALSO, this is not an open poll to go harass anyone in general. if you are a swiftie and see an hater in the tags and wanna fight DON’T FUCKING DO IT. just block and go read/watch your favorite media and think of blorbos kissing or whatever, but DO NOT SEND HATE OR HARASS ANYONE.

the hypothesis im trying to prove is that people in general would much rather spend an evening with someone that is going to talk about something they love all night vs someone who will spend the evening talking about something they hate. i want to gather as much data as possible to get a good consensus and if you go and be an asshole to someone because of their tags on this poll, either side of the swiftie to anti-swiftie spectrum, your disproving the point. if you see tags you don’t like just simply block and carry on. understand? k good.

- in general this is not meant to be a very serious or heavy question. it’s meant to just let me pick people’s brains and see what they’d want to do. i just want to get my results and go. just vote, drop your opinion in the tags, and go.

- also, this last part is silly and not at all related to my data, but since i’m forcing you on a dinner date i’ll at least let you pick the restaurant and food you have. so if you could also say what restaurant/food choice you’d want and what you’d want to order i’d love to hear it. sky’s the limit here. go nutz or even very specific on what you’d want to eat. i am trying to learn to cook and don’t know a lot of recipes or different food types, so i’m hoping this will give me a bigger idea of what food is out there to make. (this question is not meant to be a way to stick it to anyone or for you to go “i’ll go to a shitty ass restaurant and take a swiftie/anti-swiftie and make them eat garbage 🤪”, it’s just a fun question to give people something positive to add to the poll if they want. AGAIN IF YOUR GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE ILL BLOCK YOU.)

- i’m going to be annoying and ask that you reblog for a wider sample size and such, if you don’t want to that’s fine, but i’m going to be polite and ask you nicely.

that should be everything, thank you for reading my long ass list and voting in this poll. i hope you have a good day and such.

[hoejosatoru]

Roster Hopper - Aoba Johsai edition

Pairings: Fem!y/n X Aoba Johsai players (Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, Kunimi, Kyōtani (mad dog)) all separately. Y/n's skin color/hair color is not specified.

Summary: Y/n bets her friend she can sleep with the star players of Aoba Johsai (Univiersity AU) without any of them finding out.

Original Karasuno version here, Nekoma version here

Word Count: 6.2K

Warnings: Sex with multiple guys (separately), stoner!Matsukawa bc I hc him like that, reader smokes, unprotected sex, oral, fingering, mirror sex, semi publicish sex, rough sex, spanking, thumb in ass, squirting, the works lads were are fucking 5 men in one story, Iwaizumi bias sorry not sorry, not proof read MDNI

"I cannot believe the way these girls act," You huffed, settling next to your best friend and co manager. This was the second time today you had to kick out a bunch of girls trying to get a glimpse of Oikawa from practice.

Your friend chuckled. "You get used to it, but it is very bizarre." You and your friend were managers of your university's highly regarded volleyball team. Your friend did it last year, convincing you to do it with her when the other manager graduated. Oikawa's groupies no longer phased her.

"What is he doing to these girls? I mean he's good looking, but he's just another student," you replied.

"Maybe he's hooking up with them? Like the dick is so good it drives the crazy," your friend said, snickering.

"There's no way he's that good," you chuckled. "Honestly, I feel like he's not even the best on the team."

"You've spend thinking about this?" your friend teased.

"Hey these practices are long, what else am I supposed to do?" you responded.

"Fair enough," your friend said. "So who do you think is the best, then?'

"My guess is Iwaizumi," you replied, "But unfortunately I don't have any proof."

"I don't have any proof either, but honestly I think you're right," your friend replied, "But I wouldn't count Oikawa out. He's gotta be doing something right for these girls to act like that."

An idea hit you. "What if I could get proof?"

Your friend's brow arched. "What do you mean?"

"Let's pick like the top 5 guys on the team. I'll sleep with all of them and then I can rank who's the best." It sounded crazy leaving your mouth, but it didn't make you want to do it any less.

Your friend gaped at you. "I think you might have caught whatever crazy the Oikawa fan girls have."

You shrugged. "Maybe, but come on, aren't you curious?"

"I can't lie, I am intrigued," your friend replied, "But it seems unlikely. That's a lot guys to get through and they're bound to talk."

"I bet you $200 I can do it with none of them finding out," you countered, feeling bold.

"You're on," you friend shook your hand. The two of you discussed details. In order to get the most accurate results, you were to let them take the lead. If you started telling them what moves to do, or what you liked you'd get a skewed experience. And it was crucial none of them found out. If they knew they were in competition, they might try extra hard, which, again, would skew the data in this very scientific study. You both agreed that you would have until the end of the semester to get it done. Fair enough, considering it just started.

"Also coach is super strict about girls," your friend said, "He thinks it is a distraction, so if he found out you might lose your spot." It certainly added to the stakes, but you were willing to risk it. You had faith in yourself. You both easily decided to on Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Kumini, and Matsukawa as the top four, but struggled with the last guy.

Your friend got a devilish grin. "I think it should be Kyōtani." Your eyes drifted to the court where Kyōtani, who the team somewhat affectionately named mad dog, was slamming spikes over the net.

"I think you want me dead," you replied, "But I am curious. Sure let's make him number 5." And so you had your targets set.

Matsukawa was your first attempt because, frankly, he seemed the easiest. He flirted with you a few times at past parties so you figured you had a good shot at this one. You weaved through the crowd at the team house until you found him scrolling his phone, alone. Perfect.

"Hey Matsukawa," you beamed.

He perked up when he saw you, eye flicking over your body. You wore your favorite pair of jeans and a little top that hugged your body perfectly. From the twitch of his mouth, you guessed he liked what he saw. "Hey y/n, what's up?"

"I was wondering if you had any weed?" you batted your lashed at him,

His grin widened. "Course, you wanna smoke?"

"Do you mind?"

"Not at all. We just gotta do it upstairs, cause, you know." You nodded, understanding what he meant. Matsukawa was the only guy on the team who smoked, at least openly. Most of the guys gave him shit about it, saying it would fuck up his stamina and mess with his performance in games. So now, he had to hide it. Which worked out rather well for you.

You followed Matsukawa up to his room in the team house, both careful to avoid attention from other teammates. Luckily, it was a rather crowded party and you were able to make it to his room unnoticed.

"I can roll us a blunt?"

"Please," you replied, sitting comfortably on his bed. Matsukawa smiled, pleased at the look of you in his bed, before turning his attention to his rolling papers. He was quick and efficient joining you with a perfectly rolled blunt moment later. "You're good at that."

He grinned, lighting up, "Lot's a practice. You do the honors of taking the first hit." Matsukawa watched as you took the blunt between your plush lips. It was clear by the way he looked at you this would not be hard. You passed the blunt back and forth until it was finished, feeling a little high.

"You look like you want something," you flirt, holding Matsukawa's gaze. You leaned in closer to him, just inches from his face. "And I think I know what it is."

"Hmm, and what's that?" Matsukawa mused.

"This," you whispered before pressing your lips to his. Matsukawa's arms instantly wrapped around you, pulling you into him. You straddled his lap, playing with hair at the base of his neck as you kissed him deeper. You rolled your hips against him once to test the waters, eliciting a hum of pleasure from him. You continued your movements as Matsukawa let his hands explore your body, squeezing your ass and tits.

Matsukawa was fully hard before you even took your shirt off. He buried his face in your tits, sucking on the soft flesh and kneading with his large, warm hands. His tongue flicked over your nipple, making your arousal pool between your legs. He ravished your tits with his hands and mouth, making you ache with desire.

"Can I take these off?" Matsukawa asked, noting how you've become more needy. His fingers were hooked into pants the second you nodded, pulling them off you.

"Not fair that I'm the only one naked," you noted, pulling at the hem of his shirt.

Matsukawa smirked. "Be my guest." You stripped him down, pulling his stiff cock out of his pants. You ran your thumb over his tip, spreading his precum. You positioned yourself over him, before sinking down on to him with a satisfied sigh. He wasn't too big, but enough to make you feel full and satisfied.

You gripped his shoulders for leveraged as you rolled your hips. Matsukawa groaned as you fucked yourself on him, "God, you feel so good." He leaned back on his hands, allowing him to watch your tits bounce as you rode him. He planted his feet on the bed allowing him to fuck up into you.

"Shit just like that," you moaned, feeling him press deeper into you. Your clit hit against him with each thrust, sending jolts of pleasure through you. You dug your nails into his shoulder as you finally teetered over the edge, crying out his name.

"Fuck," Matsukawa moaned as he spilled inside you. His hips stuttered before finally coming to a stop. Matsukawa excused himself to grab you a towel from the bathroom connected to his room.

"Thanks," you said as he tossed it to you. You quickly cleaned yourself up, eager to get back to the party before it was obvious you were both gone. "Hey Matsukawa? Do you mind if we keep this between us? You know how the guys are, especially with, you know." You nodded over to the remnants of weed on his nightstand.

Matsukawa nodded, not looking to get another anti smoking lecture from Iwaizumi. "It's in the vault."

The opportunity to get with Kyōtani came unexpectedly. It was after practice, but you stayed behind to organize the team storage room. The sound of a ball being smacked around. You peaked out to find Kyōtani smacking the ball as hard as could against the wall.

"Everything okay?" you asked gently. His nickname of mad dog was fitting, as you often felt like you were approaching a feral animal when you had to talk to him.

He didn't look at you as he replied, "Coach said I need to get my aggression out." He smacked the ball harder, it ricocheting off the wall and back to him in a flash. "Apparently it's impacting my game."

"Is that why you're abusing the volleyballs?" you half joked, but he didn't crack a smile. You were beginning to wonder if you wouldn't be able to make this work.

"Yeah, don't know what else to do," he grumbled.

Well, you might as well go for it. "I've heard that sex is a good way to get out aggression."

This caught his attention. He caught the ball and turned to look at you for the first time since you came in. He had an unreadable scowl on his face. "Are you making fun of me?"

"No, not at all!" you replied quickly, "I was reading a sports magazine the other day and a professional athlete was talking about it. Said that he always had sex before games because it helped him calm down and think better." You were impressed at how quickly you thought on your feet, though you did feel a touch bad about lying. You were pretty sure sex relieves frustration so it wasn't that much of a lie.

"Well our game is tomorrow so I don't think I'll find someone in time to help with that," he replied flatly.

"I'll help you," you replied, "I mean, if you'd want that."

Kyotani's brows furrowed. "Are you fucking with me?"

"No, I promise," you replied earnestly. "I know tomorrow is an important game. I can't do anything to help during the game as a manager, but I could do this. Just think of all the spikes you'll get if coach puts you in more." You played at his desire to be in the games more and you could see the gears turning in his head.

"Okay, yeah" Kyōtani replied, "Let's do it. Come here." You obliged, surprised he agreed and buzzing with anticipation over what he would do. When you were within arms reach, Kyotani spun you around, so you were facing the wall. He pinned you in with his hands on either side of you. "This doesn't have to be romantic, it's just business, yeah?"

"Right, no feelings," you agreed. You both were using each other for a bigger goal, so this didn't bother you at all.

Kyotani brushed the hair away from your shoulder, his head dipping into your neck. He licked up the length of your neck before biting into your sensitive skin. It didn't hurt, but the surprise of it made you gasp. "I like it rough," Kyotani began, his hands wrapping your front to squeeze your breasts. "If it's too much, tell me to stop."

You nodded and he continued. He kissed at your neck as his hands traveled down your body and into your pants. He pumped a finger in and out of you, then added another to prep you for him. It wasn't romantic at all, as he stated, but there was something hot about it. Perhaps it was the way you were using each other, or the roughness in his touch, or the fact that you were doing this in the gym where you could walk in on you. It was sinful, wrong. But that turned you on even more.

"Bend over and put your hands on the wall," Kyotani instructed, though he was already manhandling your body into the position. You felt the cold air hit your wetness as he yanked down your pants, making you shiver. You arched your back in anticipation as you heard his pants slide down.

"Oh!" you gasped as he pressed himself into you. He was thick, your body needing to stretch around him. He let out a hiss as he bottomed out, both of you adjusting to the feel of the other. Kyotani wasted no time on adjusting, though, he gripped your hips and began to thrust into you. He snapped his hips hard and fast as your gripped the wall for leverage.

His hand came down on your ass with a hard smack. You moaned at the stinging sensation. "You like that?" he asked, smacking your ass again. "Fuck, yeah you do." Kyotani's pace never let up, making you breathless and sensitive. When he wasn't slapping your ass, he was gripping your hips with bruising force, allowing him to fuck you with all his might.

"Shit I'm gonna-" your words died as you came around him, your body shaking. Your knees buckled, but he held you firmly. He fucked you practically like a rag doll until he came, finishing inside you with a deep grunt. You were not surprised by his roughness, rather your enjoyment of it.

"I think I feel calmer, thanks," Kyotani said as you both redressed. It was almost comical, his treatment of this exchange. Like it was a totally normal thing to happen.

"Oh good, but do you mind if we don't tell anyone?" you asked, "Coach is weird about stuff with girls, you know? I would hate for him not to play you for something like this."

Kyotani's eyes darkened at the thought of being put on the sidelines. "I won't say a word."

2 down, 3 to go.

It was midterms week and everyone was stressed. Big tests and lots of games going on was never a good mix. Part of your job as manager was to check in with players and makes sure they were doing okay. When you found Kunimi and Kindaichi having a heated conversation, you had incorrectly assumed it was about academics.

"Everything okay boys?" you asked the first years. The color drained from Kunimi's face, while Kindaichi had a wicked grin.

"Kunimi is afraid he won't be able to impress the girl he likes because he's a virgin," Kindaichi announced.

"Dude shut up!" Kunimi huffed, his face reddening.

Kindaichi had no idea what gift he just gave you. "Aw, don't be embarrassed Kunimi," you replied sweetly, "There's nothing wrong with that. It wouldn't bother me if I was her." Kunimi relaxed and Kindaichi frowned, not having gotten the reaction he wanted. Before anyone could say more, the whistle blew signaling the start of practice.

When practice ended, you approached Kunimi when he was alone. "So tell me about this girl you like," you said.

Kunimi blushed, embarrassed that the pretty second year manager knew about his girl problems. And that he was virgin. "There’s not much to tell. Just a girl in my class who I think is cute. I've only talked to her a few times, but never asked her out. I'm just nervous that I, you know, would embarrassed myself because..." His voice trailed off because he could not bring himself to say it in front of you.

"Listen, you don't have to worry about all that. You're super cute and she'd be lucky to hang out with you," you began, "But if you're really concerned I'd help you."

Kunimi was so surprised you called him cute he couldn't process the second half of your statement. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, if you want, you don't have to be a virgin," you replied, "I'll show you what girls like. that way you'll feel less pressure with this girl after getting your first time out of the way."

Kunimi blinked. He could not believe you of all people were offering to take his virginity. "Are you serious? You're not playing a prank on me with Kindaichi, are you?"

"I swear I'm sincere," you replied, "All that I asked is you don't tell anyone. If the other guys found out, they might be weird about it."

"Of course," Kunimi nodded. He would not risk ruining this for himself. "But could I tell Kindaichi you called me cute. He kinda has a crush on you and I want to rub in his face since he put me on blast like that in front of you."

You chuckled. "Sure, just nothing about us sleeping together, okay?"

"I promise." You made a plan to meet in his dorm next weekend, as his roommate was gonna be away. You figured if he hadn't spilled the secret by then, you could trust him to keep it locked up.

When Saturday rolled around and no one knew of your little plan, you found yourself in Kunimi's dorm. "We totally don't have to do this if you don't want to," Kunimi said, shifting nervously on the bed. You thought his angst was sweet.

"Don't worry Kunimi, I want to," you replied. You placed your hand on his cheek gently. "You're sure you want to?" Kunimi nodded eagerly, making you smile. "Okay, let's start easy then. Kiss me." Kunimi leaned into and pressed his lips to yours. You slid that hand on his cheek to the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

Kunimi was a good kisser. His lips moved rhythmically, tongue dipping in and out of your mouth with ease. Both your hands explored each other's bodies, getting used to the feel of the other. You almost got lost in the moment, but then remembered you were here for a purpose.

"What's the furthest you've gone with a girl?" you asked after pulling away. Kunimi's pupils were blown out and it took him a minute to respond, like he almost forgot why he was here too.

"Oh, um fingering," he blushed. His eyes kept flicking down the length of your body.

"Did she cum?"

"Yes," he replied confidently.

You smiled, "Good boy." Kunimi blushed deeper and if you didn't have a lesson to teach you'd want to explore that more. "Is there anything in particular you wanna learn?"

"Yeah, uh, going down on a girl," Kunimi replied, "If you're okay with that."

"I'm very okay with that," you grinned. "Let's work up to it, yeah? Just like you've been doing. Girls like when you kiss them and take your time. Gets us turned on." Kunimi nodded dutifully, returning to your lips. You kissed each other more purposefully now. You stripped each other of your shirts and Kunimi gently squeezed at your tits.

He kissed them both, before progressing lower down your body with a line of kisses. He reached your pants and looked up at you for permission, which you gave. "That was a good move, kissing all the way down. You sure you haven't done this before?"

"Honestly? I saw it in a porno," Kunimi replied, making you chuckle. Kunimi stripped off your pants. You spread your legs wider, allowing him to settle between them. He flushed at the sight of your wetness.

"You know how you were kissing me with tongue before? Start like that and we'll go from there," you told him. Kunimi did as you said and you let out a soft sigh when his lips connected to your pussy. He moved tentatively, trying to find the right rhythm. The more he tasted you, the harder he worked, driven to please you.

"Move your tongue higher. A little bit more oh-" your sentence cut off when his tongue found your clit. Kunimi responded to your moan, focusing his energy to that spot. His tongue flicked and swirled over the sensitive bud, making your hips stir. You threaded your fingers through his hair, holding him where he was, though he wasn't planning to move an inch. "Fuck Kunimi!" you cried out, as your orgasm flooded your body. You didn't even have to pretend to boost his confidence; it was that good.

"Okay, I seriously don't believe you've never done that before," you said when you finally caught your breath.

Kunimi beamed, "I swear it was."

"You ready for the next step?"

Kunimi nodded, his cock heavy in his boxers after experiencing you cumming on his tongue. You undressed him, admiring the length of him and the bead of pre cum that sat at the tip. You wrapped your hand around the base of him, guiding him to your entrance. You slid his tip through your wetness, making him nice and slick.

"Whenever you're ready," you said, eyes flicking up to his.

"Promise you won't laugh if I cum quick?" he asked.

"Promise," you smiled reassuringly.

Kunimi slid himself in slowly, gasping at the feeling of your pussy around him. Of course he'd imagined this moment before, but he couldn't believe how tight and wet and warm it really felt. "Fuck," he groaned, stilling himself for a moment. He knew you wouldn't laugh at him but he really did not want to cum the second he put it in.

"It's okay take your time," you said, "plus it's good to take your time. Girls need a little time to adjust, especially because you're big." Calling his dick big gave him the confidence to keep going. He moved slowly, allowing himself to get used to the feeling of you.

You felt so good, though, it was hard for him to control himself. His thrusts became quicker, desperate. He knew he should slow down, but the feel of you wrapped around him was too good to stop. "So good Kuni, just like that," you encouraged. The fast snap of his hips was working up your already sensitive cunt all over again.

"Y/n, I- shit," Kunimi moaned, unable to stop the orgasm that built in his body. His body stuttered as he released himself inside. The sensation sent you over the edge, making you cream around him. Kunimi let out a strangled breath at the feeling of you squeezing around his sensitive cock.

"Kunimi," you said when he collapsed next to you, panting, "I don't think you have to worry about pleasing girls at all." Kunimi smiled proudly, feeling accomplished that he finally lost his virginity.. Little did he know you were beaming from your own accomplishment. You were over halfway there.

After midterms, the mood on the team lightened. Everyone was excited for the big away game you were at, as you got to spend the night at a hotel. It was a much needed break after all the tests. You were doing rounds, making sure the guys were in their rooms and not making a mess of the place.

"Come in," you heard Oikawa's voice from the other side of the door. You entered his hotel room, finding him alone. "What's up, y/n?"

"Just making sure no ones burning down the hotel," you replied, "Who are you supposed to be staying with?"

Oikawa grinned, stretching out on the large bed in an exaggerated fashion. "Got the whole place to myself. Coach accidentally booked an extra room. I bet Iwaizumi that I could get more service aces and this was my prize for being right."

"Very nice," you replied. The gears started turning in your head; this was an opportunity you could not pass up. "Your fan girls were really something today."

Oikawa shrugged, "Can you blame them? I was playing well."

"I think they are more interested in what you could do off the court," you replied.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Oikawa said with a grin that told you he knew exactly what you were talking about.

You yawned in faux boredom. "I guess I just don't get it."

Oikawa scowled. "What do you mean?"

"No offense, but I just don't picture you at being good at... that," you replied. It was risky calculation to infer you didn't think he was good in bed, it could definitely just piss him off. But if you knew Oikawa, you knew that there was nothing he loved more than proving someone wrong.

"You must have a shitty imagination then," Oikawa replied. After a pause he added, "Let me prove you wrong." You had to stifle your laugh. Looks like you played your cards right.

"Someone's eager," you teased.

Oikawa rolled his eyes. "You're the one who came in here and started talking about sex. I bet this was your goal all along."

You feigned nonchalance, "I was just having a chat with you. But I can't lie, now I'm intrigued."

"Yeah, I bet," Oikawa replied, "Get over here." You followed, joining him on the bed. "For the record, I am going to make you say I was right and you were wrong when I'm done with you." His lips were on yours before you could reply. You both tried to take control, but you eventually submitted to him. You were okay with playing into his ego for the greater good.

Oikawa's hands slid up and down your clothed body. You could tell even then he was good with his touch. He ghosted over your core a few times, never truly touching you. It effectively worked you up. "Wait, I've got an idea," Oikawa said with a devilish grin, "I want you in front of the mirror." He nodded to the large floor length mirror in the corner of the room. Your pussy throbbed at the possibilities.

Oikawa sat you in front of him, your back flush to his chest. He pulled your pants down your legs, smirking at the wet spot on your underwear. "That wet already? You're making this too easy for me, y/n," Oikawa's voice was low in your ear, making you stir. He slid your underwear off slowly, no doubt trying to make you more antsy. His fingers trailed back up the length of your leg, calloused and warm.

A low sigh left your lips when he finally touched your center, dragging his finger through your slick. He teased your clit, getting you more worked up before he really touched you. He slid a finger into you, pressing at that sweet spot inside you in slow, lazy strokes.

"Can feel you sucking me in," Oikawa murmured, "You wanted this bad, huh?" You moaned in response as a second finger slid into you. You could not deny, he was good with his hands. His touch was skillful, easily finding what made your body react. He picked up the pace, fucking you with his fingers as his thumb rubbed at your neglected clit. The sound of his fingers plunging into you was pornographic.

"Look at the mess your making," Oikawa said, nudging you to look in the mirror. His fingers were coated in a wet sheen and you were dripping down onto his thighs, soaking the fabric of his sweats. "Bet you wanna cum, huh? I can tell, can feel you squeezing my fingers."

"Please," was all you could gasp. Your eyes fell down to where Oikawa's fingers disappeared inside you. The pump of muscles in his forearms as his fingers fucked you, the feel of his ever growing hard on rubbing against your ass, it was all too much.

"Hmm, I'll let you cause you said please," Oikawa replied, pressing his thumb faster against your aching clit. You cried out his name as he gripped your thigh with his free had, keeping your legs spread for him. You both watched as you came, your cunt fluttering around his long fingers. Your body went slack against him, but he wasn't finished with you yet.

"I'm feeling generous today," Oikawa smirked as he pulled his cock out of his sweats. His dick was as pretty as he was, long and flushed a soft shade of pink.

"How unlike you." You still had it in you to banter with him. Oikawa chuckled, lifting your hips so he could slide his length into you.

"Prepped you well," Oikawa mused, "can feel you sucking me in." He bottomed out with a low groan. He thrust up into you in long, slow strokes. Your nails dug into his thighs as you savored the roll of his hips.

"Can feel you throbbing in me," you retorted, breathless. "Guess you wanted this too, huh?" You mimicked his words back to him. Oikawa shut you up with a particularly deep thrust, making you gasp.

"What's that? I couldn't hear you." His hips were snapping faster now, chasing his own high. You were right, he did want this. And the second he felt you cum on his fingers he knew he wouldn't be able to rest until he felt you do it on his cock. It didn't take long at this new pace for him to get his wish.

"Shit Oikawa," you moaned, your head falling back on his shoulder. Your body totally melted into his as pleasure consumed you for the second time. Oikawa cursed as you squeezed him, spilling inside you. You watched his face contort in pleasure in the mirror and, damn, he really was pretty. Maybe you did understand those girls after all.

"Looks like I was right," Oikawa panted, with a smug grin.

"Looks you like you were," you replied, keeping your smugness internal. Just one more left. "Just promise me you won't tell anyone. You know how coach is with girl stuff. If he found out, I'd probably be fired."

As much as Oikawa wanted to brag about this, he liked you and didn't want you to lose the position because of him. "It will be our little secret."

You were nervous about approaching Iwaizumi, but with the end of the semester approaching you had to face your fear.

"Hey Iwaizumi, would you by any chance be able to help me in the gym sometime? I've been wanting to get into going, but not sure how to use the machines," you asked him one day after practice. Iwaizumi was an exercise science major and often helped the team with work outs.

"I'd love to, it's actually perfect that you asked." Iwaizumi explained one of his class's final was to create a an exercise plan for someone. "Do you mind if I use this for the project?"

"Not at all! I'm glad to be helping you out, too." You agreed to meet at the gym later that week. There was a small gym at your campus that was for athletes or fitness related majors use only. The night you met, Iwaizumi reserved the gym for the two of you to use.

"I figured you'd be more comfortable if it was just us," he explained.

"I appreciate that. Hopefully it wasn't too much trouble for you," you replied.

Iwaizumi shook his head. "Not at all, we do it all the time for our assignments."

Iwaizumi took you through the machines, showing you how to do different workouts. You wore your favorite workout set, the little bike shorts and sports bra fitting your body perfectly. You could feel Iwaizumi's eyes on you, soaking in your body's movements. His hands were warm and firm on your body as he put you into proper form and you swore they lingers on you. Maybe he was just being thorough, but the stirring in your stomach told you it was more than that.

"You did great," Iwaizumi complimented. "Now I gotta stretch you out." Iwaizumi turned red. "Shit, that sounded bad."

You laughed, "I knew what you meant. I love a good stretch." You smiled with the littlest hint of suggestiveness. Iwaizumi took you into the trainer's room, which was a smaller space that had a little lifted bed in the corner. It looked a bit like like a doctor's office.

"Just hop up there and lay down," Iwaizumi instructed. He took one of your legs in his, pressing it up your body like you were in split. You relished the feeling of his body pressing against you.

"Feels good," you said, your voice infused with satisfaction. It was innocent enough statement, but it made Iwaizumi's pants start to feel tighter.

"You are very flexible," he commented, switching over to the other leg. He was so close to you it was driving you crazy. His body was warm and solid, the result of his own workout regimen. His scent filled your nose, woody and spicy. It was driving you crazy.

The tension was palpable as he set your leg back down. You sat up, your eyes locked on his. His body acted on its' own accord, stepping between your legs and pulling you into him. The kiss was frenzied and deep, both of you the secret desire you harbored for the other.

"Do you wanna..." his voice trailed off, breathless.

"Please," you replied.

"Get on your hands and knees for me," he instructed, his voice sweet. He helped move you into place, positioning himself behind you. Iwaizumi slid your shorts and underwear down, cursing under his breath at your wet cunt displayed for him. He gripped the plush of your thighs, burying his face in you. His mouth moved over you just as desperately as his kissed you, leaving you breathless.

He alternative between sucking and licking at your clit. Each time your body jolted with pleasure, Iwaizumi gripped you tighter, keeping you still for him. He pulled away only once, spreading your ass and spitting between them. He return to sucking at your clit as his thumb circled the tight hole. Finally, he sunk his thumb in your ass, pulling a loud gasp from your lips.

"Fuck Iwa!" you cried at. He was driven by your sweet sighs, using his tongue to fuck your dripping cunt as his thumb pressed into your ass. The sensation cause the pleasure in your lower tummy to snap, crying out his name as your orgasm surged through your body.

"Fuck I need you so bad," Iwaizumi said, "Can't wait to feel you do that on my cock." He repositioned your hips, running his palm down the length of your spine to put you into a nice arch. He pulled his heavy, leaking cock out of his pants, rubbing his tip through your slick folds. You couldn't see the size of him, but by the stretch as he pressed into you, you knew he was big.

Iwaizumi dragged his cock in and out of your cunt, low grunts escaping his lips. You were sucking it in, making it hard for him to keep as slow pace. He gripped your hips for leveraged, throwing more weight into each thrust. It was deep and hard in the best way.

"Don't stop," you urged, feeling your release building again. Iwaizumi was fueled by your words, desperate to feel your pussy fluttering around him. Iwaizumi brought one hand around your body, rubbing fast circles over your already sensitive clit.

The feeling building in your tummy swelled in intensity. The different, strange. You realized a second too late what was about to happen.

"I'm gonna oh-" you broke off into a euphoric gasp as you squirted on Iwaizumi's thighs. Your whole body shook, completely overtaken by pleasure. The combination of you squirting and your cunt spasming around his cock was too much. Iwaizumi let out a low, strangled curse as he shot hot ropes of cum inside you. When his hips finally stilled you, you were both trying to catch your breath.

"I promise I won't right about that last part in my paper," Iwaizumi broke the silence.

You laughed. "I appreciate that. Could I also ask you not to tell anyone on the team about this? I don't want them being stupid about it."

Iwaizumi dreaded the thought of his immature teammates finding out. "Absolutely, it will stay between you and I. And, y/n, I know we did this backwards, but I'd love to take you out."

You grinned, "I'd love that too."

***

"Okay enough counting your money, I need to hear the ranking," your friend said.

"Just making sure I got what I earned," you smirked, "but let's get into it."

You put mad dog in last place, which would probably piss him off. Good thing he'll never know. "It wasn't bad by any means. But I definitely enjoyed the others more."

"I just can't believe you had sex on the courts. I'll never be able too look at them the same again." You laughed, then continued.

Matsukawa was next. "He's very much a boob guy. Honestly, really good with them. If he did more foreplay he could have been higher."

"Very fair."

Kunimi was the middle ground. "He was the dark horse for me. I was surprised how good he was, especially with it being his first time."

"Dude is going places," your friend commented. You had to agree.

It was a tough call between Oikawa and Iwaizumi, but you had to put Iwaizumi on top since he made your squirt. "He was so fucking good. And I'm probably biased because I have a crush on him, but I don't care. The evidence speaks for itself."

"Both sound like a great time."

"Absolutely," you nodded, "I understand Oikawa's fan girls more now." You both giggled, then got to planning your outfit for your date with Iwaizumi.