#she needs some reliable adults. Jesus Christ

[visenyaism]

Dany advisor tier list?

Just for you I made you a rubric. I did not include “could reasonably be called a good advisor” because I think many of them would disqualify. Poor kid.

Here is my ranking based on said points.

12. Viserys- 3. Despite my best efforts to rig this shit, Viserys ends up last. I remembered the reason why Dany is attached to Jorah at all isnt because he is reliable or a good advisor but because he is only slightly more reliable and less of an active threat than Viserys at the time.

11. Warlocks of the House of the Undying- 3.5 if you count prophetic dreams as good advice.

10. Jorah- 4. Fun fact when I was reading dance for the first time and he showed back up again and was reintroduced hiring a sex worker who looks just like Dany I had to put the book down and go for an hourlong calm down walk up a mountain before I continued because I got too mad.

9. Hizdahr- 4. He understands how Mereen works and is pretty honest about it to Daenerys at the cost of. you know. trying to use her as a pawn the whole time and not caring if she lives or dies. Also maybe tried to poison her.

8. Green Grace- 5-6, depending on if she is the harpy or not. Even if she isn’t she has a clear vendetta against her and is actively trying to manipulate her.

7. Mirri Maaz Dur- 5. She did teach Dany some lessons worth remembering but made sure that those lessons would be traumatic enough that Daenerys would do the exact opposite of it forever and maybe engineer her own downfall as a result, which I guess does accomplish Mirri’s goal. Highest ranking of the people who have actively tried to kill her.

6. Irri and Jhiqui- 6. Why are they still interchangeable after 5 books. Can they get some character arcs. Please. Rank lower because they don’t give her much advice.

5. Rahkaro and the Bloodriders- 6. They don’t seem to give her much advice, but they don’t seem to get much screen time anyway. Again can the dothraki characters not have any depth is that not allowed.

6. The Shavepate- 6.5. may have tried to poison her, jury is still out. If he was in anyone else’s arc, you would be like wow he’s a terrible advisor, but this is a competitive category for Daenerys, so middle of the pack.

5. Daario- 6.5. Daenerys has questionable taste in men because she is fifteen and been through a lot so she thinks this is all her choice and very exciting. But someday when she is older, she is going to look back on this and realize that someone should’ve intervened.

4. Quaithe-7 pending more data on who she is and what she wants. What is your deal girl.

3. Barristan- 7. Half points for “not being a pedophile” and “understands westerosi geopolitics” those are dubious. He is knightpilled and societybrained to the point of near-delusion and the fact that he ranks so high speaks less to his qualifications and more to the fact that this poor girl has had some really terrible advisors.

2. Missandei- 8. but again she is eleven.

1. Grey Worm- 9. Thanks mister worm. Unfortunately Jacob Anderson was still wasted on your role in the show.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #302

“heaven ain’t close in a place like this”

What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. What's your favorite type of milk? If we're talking the basics, ig 1% is fine. What would you change about your appearance if you could? Oh, hunny, you got time for an essay? What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I need to fucking finish decorating it... It's not finished by no fault but my own laziness. Are you rich or poor? We're definitely pretty poor. Are you double jointed? I don't think so. What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? I once had a large infected cyst that had to be drained by applying pressure to it, and I swear to Christ I don't know how I didn't faint. They gave me morphine and multiple numbing shots, but none of that did SHIT. I'm not even embarrassed by the fact I was shrieking and sobbing and swearing because I'm pretty fucking sure any sane person would've cried out many times. I'm convinced they either didn't numb me enough for someone of my size back then, or I should've just gone under for it. I have no words for how painful it really was. Do you like shots? Uh, given that nobody LIKES getting a shot with a needle, I'm going to assume you mean like, taking shots of alcohol, in which case I've never tried, but I can almost absolutely guarantee you I'd hate them. I hate the taste of alcohol (hence why I only drink sweet and weak stuff), sooooo, I've got my doubts I'd enjoy something so potent. Are you afraid of spiders? Yes and no? Small ones don't tend to get to me, and I LOVE tarantulas. Big spiders are absolutely fascinating and I love *watching* them, but if I was surprised by a sudden spider, I'm going to probably cry out and jump/scramble away. But on a real note, respect your spiders, whether they scare you or not. They are so important to the ecosystem. See one in the house, take it outside if you can. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? To some earrings, yes. I have to wear ones that don't have silver in them. Do you like to read? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I did as a kid. I'm even slacking on WoF lately... Do you know what your purpose in life is? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* BITCH I WISH I KNEW What's something you would like to improve at? Not being a socially anxious catastrophe. Do you believe you have great potential? Everybody does. You just have to use it. What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld? Probably the mountains when driving to Tennessee. Or New York? I really can't recall either so clearly as to have a favorite. Are you flexible? Noooot anymore. Back in my WiiFit days, I was a gotdamn snake. List a song lyric that you like. Oh Jesus, don't make me think. Uhhhhh there's so many. Flipping through artists in my head with lyrics I tend to love, there's Otep with: "hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?". Simple, but spine-chilling to me. Huh, time to listen to it actually, lol. That song murders me with the goosebumps. Do you meditate? No; I can't. You can't tell me to "free my mind," man. It's way too hectic at all times up there. What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I'd love to go back to Chicago one night when I actually learn how to do nighttime urban photography. What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? I always answer "South Africa" to questions like this, so for variety's sake, I'll say the Bahamas. But a conspiratory bitch is afraid of the Bermuda Triangle, so... lmao. What's your favorite type of tree? I like big, impressive weeping willows. How many times have you seriously injured yourself? Only two occasions I can think of immediately. Maybe there's more, but idk. Did you attend Sunday School as a child? Yeah, even though I hated it. What is the longest your hair has ever been? Maybe a little passed the small of my back? What about the shortest? (not including being a toddler or baby): How it is now and has been for a couple years: shaved short on the left side, and it transitions to a length near my chin as you go to the right. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I did, and I played the flute. I'd choose the saxophone if I could go back. Who does the grocery shopping in your household? Well, it's just Mom and me, so her. If you were to donate to charity today, what would you donate to? One that focuses on ovarian cancer for Mom. What is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? Even though I was never great at it or knew every single rule, "Magic: The Gathering" is honestly really fun, and I loved looking at the card art. I haven't played it since I was with Jason, so at least five-six years. Would you consider yourself to be good at spelling and grammar? Yeah, but I've somehow gotten worse with time???? I question the spelling and tenses of words I write a lot. What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times): Probably like, chocolate rabbits. NOT hollow. Way to break my heart. Or gingerbread cookies. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I think a Hershey's? It was a while ago. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? I was in a Zoom session with multiple people for my partial hospitalization program. Have you ever dreamt about sleeping with someone other than your partner? If so, did that make you feel embarrassed? I've never had a dream like this while in a relationship. The last time you had butterflies in your stomach, what was the reason? I have no idea. Has anyone told you that they miss you recently? No. Has anyone ever asked you out or told you that they liked you, and you rejected them? Can you explain why you didn’t like, or didn’t feel attracted to that person? There was this one guy in the 4th grade who asked me if I would go out with him so much it almost became like a joke. I just... didn't like him like that. Then there's Juan; I'd just been warned that he had a bad rep by a very reliable adult, and the idea of dating him was kinda... intimidating anyway. Plus he was a smoker, which was and still is a no-no for me. What part in a movie would you love to play? The clinically insane villain or something because I feel with my history, I could channel that very well IF I actually wanted to act in the first place. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba walks up Pride Rock in the rain and roars and all the lionesses join in. Chilling. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Candy corn is repulsive. What was the highlight of your day? My mom was raving to one of my therapists in the PHP about my art and how badly she wants me to just get everything out there. I was smiling really big but looking down with how shy but also flattered it made me. Do you know anyone who is anorexic? I don't think so. Who has hurt you the most this year? Ha, myself. What's the last insult someone said to you? Hm. How much did your car cost? N/A What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Uhhh Mom mighta sent me a meme or Sara showed me a drawing someone made of Suriza, I think. Have you ever let someone go because you thought they deserved better? No, though I've felt that way before. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? I'm still not over the fact Dad was a druggie before me and my sisters, apparently. It's almost like... hurtful in some weird way? Idk exactly why, it's just something I know I feel. What do you hear right now? I have Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" playing in another tab. Do you do anything to help the environment? I do what I can as someone who isn't financially independent and reliant on another person for transportation. I won't litter for anything (and this includes shit like letting balloons go in the air, fucking stop), I'm trying to use my metal straw always in place of plastic, and to use less plastic bags, I try to spread out the times I clean Roman's litterbox to a few days; not to the point it's disgusting or uncomfortable for him, of course, though. Three days without is pretty much max. When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Ha, a little while ago... I was trying to avoid eating the two last biscuits Mom made for dinner 'cuz I really gotta lay off the carbs, but Mom "joked" that "it's your birthday, you get to do whatever you want," so I kinda just said fuck it lmao. Do you think that you have a pretty smile? No, because my eyes squint badly, and I also hate my teeth. When's the last time you cried over a guy? A few days ago a little bit, actually. I was reminiscing too much and recalling some of the warmest memories. Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? I already did. Oh well. Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now? Yep. Do you have any friends that actually model? No. Do you care about the last person you kissed? A fucking lot. Do they care about you? Yes. Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Yes, just because of past birthday memories. I keep hoping a "happy birthday Britt" pops up in my FB messenger, and I hate myself for it. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? I legitimately just huffed in humor, guess, lmao. What are the bad things you've heard people say about you? That I'm a martyr, going nowhere, lazy, not trying hard enough, y'know, all that good stuff. Do you flirt a lot? Definitely not. What phrase or saying do you use the most? Probably "oof" lol. What mood are you in right now? I'm doing pretty all right. Kinda dreading Miss Tobey coming over, mean as it is, but I just... don't wanna deal with her and her judgments on my birthday. But I'm looking forward to seeing my sisters, and therapy went very well. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Yep. How many exes do you have? I only consider two exes "serious," as I've only been in two deep and long-term relationships, but if we're counting everyone who's had the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," there's six. Do you want to be single or with someone? Ugh, I don't know. It's probably better I don't 'til I figure my shit out, but I really do miss the companionship a lot. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love her and I was leaving her at the airport. Does your mom think you’re a virgin? She doesn't know for the same reason I don't, really. I think she leans towards I am, but idk. Is there someone that wants you to give them a second chance? I don't know. What size bra do you wear? Uhhh I genuinely don't buy bras enough to know this exactly. C-something. Does the person you last kissed still like you? I don't know if she still like-likes me. Are your parents still together? Noooo. Was your first time good or bad? I dated an Italian, if u kno what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Which friend-turned-enemy do you miss the most? Colleen, sometimes. Have you ever used an epi pen, and it worked? I have not. What is on your top priority list for today? Make this fuckin' day for me. I'm trying to not let the depression sink in and make me feel worthless on today of all days. So I'm trying to stay in a positive headspace. Do you own any sand art in a jar? Omg, those are so cool! But no. Does the sun come in your window in the morning or at night? Not really; there's houses in the way. What was the last piece of art you created? A drawing of a meerkat with its mouth open angrily, done with colored pencils, against a black background. It's on my second dA. What time of day do you take medications? I have prescription meds for when I wake up and at bedtime. What's your newest hobby you've started? A new hobby? Huh... What are some things you wanted to do that your parents didn't let you do? They wouldn't let us stay home alone until a certain age, we had a timer on the TV at bedtime to shut off after a while, we weren't exposed to certain music or shows, no cursing... stuff like that. What YouTube channels do you recommend? This is a BAD question to ask me, 'cuz I could just about recommend channels for just about any niche. I watch soooooo many. What is your favorite day of the week? Tuesday, because it's reset day in WoW, haha. Meaning, I get to do my stupid mount farming raids again for the week. Blackhand, gimme your FUCKING clefthoof already. Ballet or cheerleading? Ballet is beautiful. What are your favorite sports to watch? Only dancing, really. Were you ever in the marching band? No. Which holiday has the best decorations, in your opinion? My contrasting aesthetics make this hard, haha. I love Christmas with all the beautiful light displays people can make, but let's not sleep on Halloween, y'all. I loooove Halloween decor, like c'mon, that's where I get shit for my room year-round, lmao. What do you want to be known for? It'd actually be kinda cool if I built up some sort of rep in the vulture culture community with my photography of roadkill. For how few shots I actually have on there and minimal interaction, my Instagram for it is doing quite well, if you consider those factors. They've gotten some pretty decent attention on dA, too. I would love for people to know why I do it though, of course: awareness and respect for the animal's life. How often do you wear make-up? Almost never nowadays. Think of the person you are jealous of...what are you jealous of them for? She's actually making a career out of her photography. Do you have art that you made in high school? Oh, plenty. Do you have trauma in your past? *clears throat* take a fuckin seat Favorite type of frosting? Chocolate. Have you ever tried cake decorating? No. One of my sisters is actually one, though! She's great at it. What clubs are you a part of? None. What was your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. 6th grade, to be exact. Do you like to read classics, or do you usually read new arrivals? I don't prefer one over the other, honestly. Were you a big partier in college? No, I never partied. Is your college one you would recommend? My most recent one, fuck yes. They're amazing and care so deeply for their students. Would you go camping in the woods alone? Yikes, no. Would you name your kids after anyone? If I had a son and I had my way with the name, he would be named after the Most Selfless Man in the World, Damien from WKM. :'''''( Do you have any supernatural gifts? No. Are there any good churches in your town? You're asking someone who has a bad relationship with religion. Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? It really depends on the season and venue my spouse and I pick. Do you think you would be a good salesperson? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW fam. I ain't pressuring people to buy shit.

[doctorcolubra]

This is a day late for International Women’s Day but under the cut, please enjoy me telling my wife about two Byzantine empresses (sisters!) who hated each other but hated men and/or the world even more: Zoe and Theodora Porphyrogenita. Pretend it’s a transcript from your favourite podcast hosts!

(That’s Zoe on the right, pictured with her very good friend Jesus and one of her useless husbands)

Tal: so the sisters are Zoe (the hot one) and Theodora (the ugly one), and their dad keeps trying to marry them off to other rulers but nothing's working out, and he eventually just gives up and leaves them to rot in the women's quarters together for like, most of their adult life Tal: no one really knows why but they started to haaaaaaate each other Tal: Dad dies, and the two sisters are the only heirs to the dynasty, so now the whole court is trying to marry them off to local Byzantine aristocrats Clare: "NO FUCK YOU" Tal: the mayor of Constantinople is the big pick, but Theo is like "a) he's already married and b) he's my third cousin, so no" and Zoe says "yeah whatever I'll marry him" Tal: the mayor (Romanos Argyros) has his wife have an "accident" and he's free Clare: oh fuckin what Clare: this clown over here like "idk what happened, she just slipped and fell down forty-seven flights of my steps that are inset with jewels" Tal: Zoe now accuses Theo of conspiring against her, and has her dragged off into a monastery against her will Clare: WAIT A MONASTERY FOR A WOMAN WHAT Tal: but Zoe is like, almost 50, and she's trying to conceive but she CAN'T, she's trying potions and charms and shit, OH YEAH monastery is the term for both men and women in the East, a lot of the time Tal: Byzantines loooved to force people into taking vows Clare: OKAY CONTINUE Clare: (I know next to nothing about the Byzantine Empire actually so this is great) Tal: so Zoe can't get pregnant and Romanos is tired of her, so she's furious and starts fucking a servant, really flagrantly in front of everybody Clare: ride 'em cowboy Tal: Romanos goes "k" and takes his own mistress Clare: well at least he didn't "accident" Zoe I guess (YET) Tal: but then people start saying (correctly) that Zoe and her new boytoy want to kill him, and he is "concerned" but doesn't really do anything about it, he's kind of a weak dude Clare: he sounds like a real champ from what you've said, defs Tal: so Zoe and her lover drown him in the bathtub Clare: YESSSS Clare: GET SOME ZOE Tal: NOW plot twist, the servant loverboy's eunuch brother is the chamberlain of the palace, and he's this Machiavellian character, John Orphanotrophos Tal: with his brother fucking the empress, John is like OH BOY HERE'S MY CHANCE Tal: so as soon as his brother (Michael) is married to Zoe, John's like "okay uh let's...put her somewhere, she is not the most reliable lady" Clare: in a monastery Tal: NOT YET Michael puts her back in the women's quarters for now, where she conspires against the dudes in vain Clare: Michael u dum Tal: BUT Michael is epileptic and pretty soon his health is failing, John's basically running the empire from behind the scenes Clare: jesus christ Tal: his brother's dying, so John gets his nephew lined up to be the next emperor, and when Zoe protests, boom, monastery Clare: (WHERE IS THEO IN ALL THIS) Tal: THEO'S COMIN Tal: so Zoe's been sworn in at the monastery on an island, but the people of Constantinople decide they don't care for that, and they fuckin RIOT Clare: YEAAAAHHHHHH Tal: the mob dethrones John's relative and demands ZOE AND THEODORA BACK IN TOWN Clare: i just wanna imagine all of them screaming like frat dudes, YEAAAAHHHHHHH Tal: Zoe tries to make it all about her and send Theo back to HER monastery Tal: but the people ain't having it Clare: EXCUSE YOU LADY YOU JUST GOT A REPRIEVE HDU Tal: Theo demands that the emperor be blinded (Byzantines loooved to blind people) and have HIM sent to a monastery, and I think at the same time they also get rid of John by blinding him and castrating all his male relatives Clare: I KNEW THE BLINDING THING WEIRDLY ENOUGH Clare: that shit made it into [Mormon] scripture someplace or something, I knew that one BUT JESUS Y'ALL ARE SO SAVAGE Tal: HELLA so the Orthodox have a rule that you can only marry twice, you can't be a black widow for too long over there Tal: Zoe and Theo need husbands for heirs and they don't want to fuck it up this time Clare: oh god I'm so afraid Tal: Zoe wants this one dude who she had a broken engagement with yeeeeears ago, but then she meets him again and she's like "you know what I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE" and scratches him off the list Tal: she tries another former fling, but he gets mysteriously poisoned by his wife, like "NOT GONNA DIVORCE ME FOR THE EMPRESS, BITCH" Clare: and then Zoe marries that wife Clare: because they would rule Clare: ...sorry I just made that up GO ON Tal: she finally finds a guy who's supposed to have been "handsome and urbane", and at this point I want to mention that all three of these men were named Constantine Clare: JESUS ZOE Clare: BRANCH OUT Tal: she marries him, he becomes Emperor, Zoe is still Empress but also so is Theo, and there are already court factions breaking out between them Clare: also she over 50, whh Clare: how is babby formed Tal: right, like girl IT AIN'T HAPPENING Tal: HOWEVER Constantine #3 wants to bring a fourth into their polycule Clare: k ya big weirdo Tal: he has a long-standing mistress named Maria and he demands that she be allowed to go everywhere with them and have a title of her own and all this shit Clare: "this isn't enough drama I WANT MORE OF IT MORE OF THE DRAMA" Tal: "The 64-year-old Zoë did not object to sharing her bed and her throne with Maria Skleraina." Clare: the 64-year-old Zoe had a li'l boner for Maria Skleraina neh Tal: so idk maybe she was cool with it but the public thought it was kinda weird, so now there are rumours that Maria wants to poison BOTH Zoe and Theo Tal: so there is another riot Tal: Constantinople does not take shit lying down Clare: that's what we do in our spare time btw, all of us women with husbands and no jobs Clare: we think about poisoning Clare: everything Clare: everyone Tal: I mean I get it Clare: (poisoning someone is the bitchiest move in history and I love it every time GO ON) Tal: that was basically it for Zoe, she let her husband have the power and she focused herself on developing a line of beauty products Clare: ....you're fucking with me Tal: “Zoë recognised her own beauty and its use as a tool of statecraft. Attempting to maximise and prolong its effect she had a variety of creams and treatments prepared in the gynaeceum, and was said to have carried out experiments attempting to improve their efficacy. She operated a cosmetics laboratory in her rooms in the palace, where perfumes and unguents were constantly being prepared. Psellus reports that her face looked youthful into her sixties.” Clare: YOU WERE NOT FUCKING WITH ME Clare: I'M SCREAMING Tal: RIGHT Tal: now after Zoe died, Theo wasn't done yet Clare: you know what I want tho, you know what I want Clare: I want Theo to be poisoned by one of Zoe's neck creams Tal: IT DID NOT HAPPEN, ALAS Clare: just standing over her as she dies like THIS IS THE LONG CON, SISTER MINE Tal: Zoe died first (of presumably natural causes) and Theo basically made the dudes recognise her not as empress but as EMPEROR Clare: oh gosh I like her Tal: she got the senate and the imperial guard on her side Clare: oh I like her so much Tal: and then SHE PURGED Clare: that is such a power move that is such a Cersei Lannister move oh my god Tal: all the officials she didn't trust, all the guys that were being suggested for her position instead of her, DISMISSED AND EXILED Clare: BOOOOOM Tal: she was 76 but she gathered all the power in her own hands as much as she could, she showed up in the senate every day and judged cases herself, she was not here to play Clare: that is fucking fantastic Clare: I wanna marry her Tal: she did finally die but she refused to get married and refused to even name an heir because she knew THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU, and only on her deathbed did she kind of nod like "I guess" to appoint some civil servant as emperor Tal: who nobody liked but they thought he was easy to control Clare: BOSS ASS BITCH Tal: YUP Clare: aaaaaaamazing Tal: and that is the story of Zoe and Theo, the end Clare: I LOVE THEM

[knightwingyj]

Little Do You Know Ch 3

               Why, oh why did he think it was a good idea to drink? Conner groaned as his head throbbed. His mouth was dry and stuffed with cotton balls soaked in essence of skunk. Hangovers sucked. He gracelessly flopped on his side and smashed his face into his pillow. His glorious, stupendous, fluffy, wonderful pillow that was always supportive and there for him whenever he needed something to lay on. His bed too. A shrill pierced the air and sent a white-hot ice pick through his brain. Whimpering and trying to ignore the pathetic tears that gathered in the corner of his eyes, Conner threw an arm out, hand groping the nightstand for his phone. Stupid alarm. His fingers finally found it and the shrieking was silenced. Sighing with relief, he rolled onto his back with his arm resting over his eyes. He didn’t think he drank that much last night. He only had his usual scotch. Twice���and some of Markus’…and all those shots from North’s game. Maybe he had more than he thought, and he didn’t even get his reward.

               The alarm went off a second time. Goddamn it, he thought he had turned that shit off. “Alright, shut the fuck up.” Conner growled grabbing the device and stabbing the screen with more force than necessary. He’s been spending too much time with Hank. Blessed silence. He just noticed the full glass of water on his night stand that his drunk self forgot to drink last night, along with a bottle of Advil. God bless his drunk self and he popped a couple pills and chugged the water.

               He laid back against his wonderful pillow, trying to find the will to get up for the day. He was so glad it was the weekend. He could go as slow as he wanted and not worry about being late. He was the CFO, he should be able to arrive when he damn well pleased. He really needs to stop hanging out with Hank so much. His potty mouth was getting worse. It took a lot more strength to shower, shave and dress than it should have, but he felt more rejuvenated. After brushing his teeth, twice, he deemed himself ready to take on the day. He opened his bedroom door and nearly jumped out of his skin at Conan standing in the doorway.

               “Jesus Christ, Conan! You nearly gave me a heart attack.” Conner accused hand clutching at his chest.

               “Where were you last night?” Conan questioned.

               Conner’s brow furrowed at the reproachful tone in his brother’s voice. “Why do you need to know?”

               “Where you out drinking with Anderson?”

               “What I do and who I do it with is none of your concern.” He didn’t have the patience to deal with Conan’s holier-than-thou attitude today. He brushed past him and into the hallway, closing the door as best he could around a six-foot two road block.

               “It is when you chose to fraternize with the hired help. It looks bad on the rest of us.” Conner could practically hear Conan’s nose scrapping the ceiling. He whirled around and leveled Conan with a glare that made him pause in his tracks.

               “Hank is more than an employee, he’s my friend, and what I chose to do in my free time is my business. I’ve not done a single thing that could shame the family in any way. I don’t need you sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. You’re not my keeper Conan.” He hissed before marching off.

               Conan watched, a little shocked at his outburst. Conner was wrong about one thing; he was his brother’s keeper. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his phone and hit speed dial. “Hey, it’s me. I’ve got a job for you.”

               The headache was practically gone by the time the taxi dropped him off at Hank’s house. Hank’s old, black Buick was parked haphazardly in the driveway and Conner rolled his eyes. He was still wondering what possessed him to let this man drive him anywhere. The single-story building was unassuming with cream siding, decorative clay bricks, and a plain brown front door. He smiled. He could remember one summer during high school when Hank and he repainted the faded and peeling siding, replaced the rotting front door, and power washed the windows. They spent quite a bit of time during those years cleaning up this old house, so much so that it felt more like home to Conner than the manor.

               Turning the key in the lock, the front door opened smoothly, and Conner was greeted by a mountain of fur and a large, wet tongue. “Alright, Sumo, alright.” Conner laughed pushing the Saint Bernard off him and giving him a good scratch behind the ears. “Good morning to you too.”

               He wrestled himself passed the massive dog into the house and was mildly impress. It was a lot cleaner than the last time he was here, minus a couple of empty beer bottles on the coffee table. “You hungry boy?” Moving into the kitchen, Conner retrieve the kibble from the cabinet and poured some into Sumo’s food bowl and gave him fresh water. Sumo munched happily while Conner busied himself with the dirty dishes in the sink, giving them a good scrub and placing them in the dishwasher. An empty pizza box was tossed in the trash along with the beer bottles and the bag set by the front door to go out. He glanced in the fridge and nodded in satisfaction at the variety of foods on the selves. He wouldn’t need to go for groceries today then. A soft head nudged his leg and Conner glanced down with a chuckle. Sumo sat there with wide, hopeful eyes, leash firmly clamped in his jaws. “Ready for a walk then?” Conner asked as he grabbed the leash and clipped it to Sumo’s blue collar. “Looks like Hank will be sleeping for a little while longer. It’s just you and me then.”

               Grabbing the trash, Conner closed and locked the front door behind them. Sumo did his business quickly and waited patiently for Conner to place the trash in the garbage can. The dog tugged eagerly on the leash, drawing a laugh out of the human. “I’m coming. I’m coming.” They took off at a brisk pace, heading toward Riverside Park. It was their favorite walk destination; Sumo for all the squirrels and Conner for the calming view. Hank had introduced it to him just after they had met, and it held a lot of bitter sweet memories for the both of them. Conner found himself there more times than he could count, just to think or to get away from the pressures of high society. The park wasn’t usually crowded as many preferred the larger parks, but he was a little surprised the see it was packed.

               Since when has Riverside Park hosted festivals? He starred in amazement as rows of portable tents and inflatable bouncy houses lining the trail ways and grass. Children chased each other and dragged amused parents to different attractions. Laughter and music floated on the air accompanied by the delicious aroma of carnival food. Conner glanced down at his companion. “What do you think Sumo, should we check out the festival?”

               The Saint Bernard gave him a simple huff and wagged his tail twice in agreement. Conner nodded, “very well then,” and they started down the trail toward the center of the activity. Venders of every kind surround them on both sides. People selling trinkets. Handmade jewelry and cosmetics attracted many of the older patrons while tents containing games like ring toss and balloon pop beckoned the younger crowd. There was even a little swimming pool filled with yellow rubber ducks for the little ones.

               They were stopped a few times as a couple of people wanted to pet Sumo and the gentle giant basked in the simple affection of the pats. A familiar voice called his name and Conner turned to see his secretary, Kara, with her Husband, Luther, and their nine-year-old daughter, Alice. “Hello Kara, Luther, Alice. It’s a pleasure to see you all.” Conner greeted politely.

               “Hello Conner,” Kara said with a smile as Alice waved with an enthusiastic ‘hi’. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

               Conner shrugged. “I didn’t really expect to be here. This is were we usually come on our walks and we were a little surprised to see a festival.”

               Alice’s eyes lit up as she gazed at Sumo. “Sumo!” She ran forward eagerly and showered him with affection. Sumo preened.

               “Alice wanted to come and try the bouncy houses.” Kara explained watching Alice giggle with a smile.

               “Was it worth it?” Conner asked the girl and she nodded.

               “Oh yes. You should try it, Conner. It’s super fun!”

               The adults laughed softly at her wonder. “I think I might be a bit big for the bouncy houses, but I’ll certainly take your word for it.” Conner replied before turning back to her parents. “How are you, Luther? Zlatko treating you well?”

               Luther’s smile strained. “He’s much better, though he’s still hard to work with. There’s not much more I can do other than what I have been doing.”

               “He’s paid the overtime he owes you, yes?” Conner asked eyebrows pinched.

               Luther nodded as the tension bled out of his shoulders. “Yes, after the last incident, he wouldn’t dare to weasel his way out of paying again, not with the lawyer breathing down his neck. Thank you for that, by the way,” the large man said smile warming his face, “I wasn’t the only one he was skimping out on. That lawyer really helped to figure out there was a lot of more missing paychecks than we thought, so thank you.”

               “I’m just happy to help.” Conner eyes grew serious. “You’ll let me know if something like that happens again.”

               Luther nodded. “Of course, people deserve to be paid what their worth.”

               Conner’s smile returned. “Good, well, it was wonderful to see you all and I’ll see you back at the office, Kara. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

               “You too, Conner. Have fun.” Kara said.

               “Bye, Conner!” Alice shouted as they walked away, and Conner waved happily after her, chuckling. He was happy to know that everything had been worked out for Luther and his co-workers. His smile faded as he thought about the Zlatko situation. He would need to keep a closer eye of the man, making sure he paid his employees properly. Honest men like Luther didn’t deserved to be treated so poorly. It maybe time to let Zlatko go, getting a more reliable worker in a leadership position. Perhaps it was time to promote Luther, he had defiantly proved himself worthy with this whole fiasco. Conner could feel the smile spreading. It seemed he had something to do first thing tomorrow morning.

               He glanced around the tents when sharp eyes recognized a familiar face moving around inside a royal purple tent. His smile returned as he approached the man seated in front of a worn, paint splattered easel, face pinched slightly in concentration. “Markus.”

               Said man’s head turned towards him, eyes locking with that beautifully intense gaze. Recognition flooded them quickly and his eyes lit up. “Conner,” the sharpie in his hands was capped and set aside as he stood to greet him.

               “Working hard?” Conner asked fingers playing with Sumo’s leash.

               Markus shrugged. “It’s not really work if you enjoy it.”

               “True,” Conner moved into the tent, trying to see what was resting on Markus’ easel. “What are you working on?”

               “Oh,” Markus stepped aside to reveal a cartoon face. “Caricatures.” The exaggerated eyes and nose made Conner chuckle.

               “Magnificent,” he teased,” your best work by far, I think.”

               “Of course,” Markus smirked. He held up the permanent marker. “Care to have your likeness immortalized in sharpie?”

               Conner smiled warmly and shrugged again. “Why not?”

               Markus gestured to the empty stool directly in front of the easel. As Conner moved to sit, Markus caught sight of the animal walking beside him. “And who is this handsome fella?” He asked as he readied a clean piece of paper.

               “This is Sumo,” Conner replied. “He belongs to Hank Anderson, my bodyguard.”

               Markus raised an eyebrow at that. “Do you normally walk your bodyguard’s dog?”

               “Oh, Hank’s more than a bodyguard. He’s a good friend of mine. He used to be a lieutenant for the Detroit Police Department before switching to close personal security. He had quite the reputation in the DPD, before I managed to steal him away.”

               “Really? He sounds like an interesting person.” Markus commented as the pen in his hand glided over the page. “How did you two meet?”

               “We became acquainted when I had just turned sixteen. In a fit of teenage rebellion, a couple of my peers and I decided to have an…impromptu party at one of the old abandoned freighters at the docks. We were quite inebriated and somehow caused the ship to sink. It caused quite a ruckus.”

               Markus paused and look at him over the top of the easel. “Wait, the Jericho sinking? That was you?”

               Conner was a little perplexed at the question. “Well, it wasn’t technically me but someone I was associated with, yes.”

               “Oh man,” Markus slouched back in his chair. “My friends and I used to hangout there during high school. That’s how we got the nickname Jericrew. We came by one day and the whole area was cordoned off with a majority of the ship submerged. We always assumed the hull had finally ruptured.”

               “I suppose, in a way, it did.” Conner rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry.”

               “It’s alright. It must have been some party.” Markus commented returning to his drawing. “So, what does the sinking of the mighty Jericho have to do with you meeting Mr. Anderson?”

               “He was the arresting officer. I rode in the back of his car to the station. He sat me down at his desk as he called my mother. Once he finished, he asked if I had anything I wanted to say. I told him to lock me up.”

               Markus raised another eyebrow at him. “Why?”

               Conner chuckled. “He asked me the same thing in almost the exact same way. It was simple really. It would tarnish my mother’s reputation. Who would’ve thought the great Amanda Stern would have a deliquiate son? It would’ve caused quite a scandal if it had gotten out. It didn’t, of course. My mother has a way of sweeping dirt under the rug.

               “Hank showed up a week later to be my bodyguard. He said he was getting bored sitting behind a desk all day, doing nothing but paper work. I say it was to keep me out of trouble.”

               “That is interesting, going from a police lieutenant to babysitting a sixteen-year-old.” Markus teased.

               “I suppose that is a bit of a step down,” Conner laughed. “I like to think I keep him on his toes.”

               “It seems to me you’re a bit of a rebel there, Mr. Stern.”

               Conner grinned at Markus’ smirk. “You make me sound cooler than I am. That was a single incident.”

               “Oh, I don’t know about that. You handled your liquor the other night like a seasoned veteran.”

               “That is Hank’s fault. He’s a pretty good drinking buddy and he’s about as fascinated with my talent as you guys were. He likes to buy different kinds of alcohol to try whenever I’m with him.”

               “He sounds like an interesting character. I’d love to meet him someday.”

               “Of course, I feel he and North will get along swimmingly.” Conner added with a mischievous grin.

               Markus groaned. “Oh no, I’m not sure I could handle two Norths.”

               “It would certainly be amusing.”

               Shaking his head with an amused huff, Markus signed his name at the bottom with a flourish and capped the marker, lifting the finished product. Conner let out a surprised laugh. His features were nowhere near proportional with too big eyes and mouth on an obnoxiously large head. The size of his body reminded him of those ‘would you rather’ questions asked at parties with how small it was. Sumo was depicted next to him with similar proportions in regard to his nose.

               “I think Sumo is the best part of that whole picture.” Conner stated scratching the proud pup behind the ears.

               Markus looked at the picture again. “He does kind of steal the show a bit, but I think the other guy is handsome too.”

               Conner blinked at that comment and smiled softly. He was not flirting, stop looking so deeply into things. Markus handed him a green, cardstock folder containing the finished drawing. “Thank you very much. How much do I owe you?”

               Markus shook his head. “Me? Nothing, but if you like, you can donate to the center. Every dollar helps.”

               “Center?” Conner’s held tilted and Markus couldn’t help but compare him to a curious puppy.

               “The Youth Centers of Detroit. That’s what the fair is for. Many local businesses are participating to raise funds for the centers.”

               “Is that what you’re doing?” Conner asked with a gesture to the easel.

               “Yep,” he popped the p. “A lot of these centers are understaffed and in disrepair. Many of the kids in the city don’t have access to the fine arts unless it’s through their school and let’s be honest, what kid wants to spend their free time at school?”

               “What makes you think they would want to go to the youth centers instead?”

               “You mean besides the fact that it’s completely free? More variety. They can learn about anything they wanted. Theatre. Ceramics. Self-defense. Web-design. I even teach a couple classes during the weekdays.”

               Conner gave him an appraising look. “Markus Manfred, teaching art classes?” He teased, and Markus puffed out his chest proudly.

               “Every Tuesday and Thursday at six o’clock.”

               “I’d have come check it out sometime, see if you’re really as good as you claim.”

               “Says the guy who has my pieces ‘adorning his room’.” Markus retorted and took great pleasure in Conner’s blush.

               Embarrassed and trying to hide it, Conner pulled a fifty out of his wallet and stuffed it in the large pickle jar on a side table that was already nearly full. “I expect all new brushes and paints with that generous donation, Mr. Manfred.”

               Markus granted him a smile full of teeth. “Of course, Mr. Stern. Only the best for you.”

               Conner rolled his eyes and grinned, thoroughly enjoying their playful banter. They were only interrupted when someone else entered the tent. “You’re good to go on a break, boss.” The girl wasn’t much younger than Conner, perhaps high school or college freshman. Her brown hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail and she wore paint stained clothes.

               “Thanks, Stacy.” Markus said moving to put his things away. “Stacy, this is Conner and Sumo. Conner, this is Stacy, one of my students.”

               Conner shook her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

               “Same here. He’s a great teacher.” She nodded towards Markus.

               “I’m sure he is.”

               “You should come by the center sometime and check it out. He can turn even the most hopeless cases into true artists.”

               Conner wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be offended by that comment or not.

               “Alright, Stacy. No need to over sell.” Markus interjected coming to stand next to Conner.

               “Just trying to help you out, boss.”

               “And you’re doing a marvelous job, but I think Sumo wants to get out of this stuffy tent. Right Sumo?” The Saint Bernard merely wagged his tail at the mention of his name. “Right. Hey,” Markus turned to Conner. “You ever tried a cronut?”

               There’s that adorable head tilt. “A cronut?”

               Markus’ eyes widened comically. “Oh my god, you have not lived till you’ve tried one. Come on.” Their arms brushed as they said goodbye to Stacy and exited the tent in search of the legendary pastry.

               Markus lead them straight to the right vender, who Conner suspected was a friend of the painter. Jerry handed them each a cronut and bid them adieu as they enjoyed their treat. Conner immediately fell in love with the buttery, flaky goodness, sharing a little with Sumo. “You were certainly right, warm and delectable.” Conner said throwing his trash in a nearby garbage can. Sumo huffed, tongue swiping along his lips, searching for any remnants of the sugar treat. “Even Sumo agrees.”

               “I would never lie to you, especially about food.” Markus glanced down at his watch. “I still have time if you would care to take a little stroll.”

               “I’d be honored.” Conner said with a smile.

               Markus moved closer as they began a trek through the park, barely glancing at the rest of the attractions. “So, you play the piano, capture emotions onto canvas, run a studio, teach art classes to inspire young artists, and volunteer your free time to your community. Are there any other hobbies I should know about?” Conner asked with a hint of playfulness.

               Markus bashfully rubbed the back of his neck. “You make me sound more interesting than I really am.”

               “Markus, you are interesting.” Conner said sincerely. “I’ve never met someone with as much talent or dedication to their craft as you. You’re the epitome of the phrase, ‘Live life to the fullest’. It’s quite inspiring.”

               Markus’ cheeks darkened. “You keep that up and my head might explode.”

               “I’m serious.”

               “I know, and I’m flattered. I just believe that everyone deserves the right to live their lives the best that they can. Everyone deserves to be to be happy.” Markus sent a side glance to the man beside him. Speaking of… “Conner, could I ask you a personal question?”

               Conner blinked, slightly surprised. “Of course.”

               “Why did you say yes?”

               Conner’s brow furrowed. “I don’t quite understand.”

               “Your marriage. Why did you agree to it?”

               Conner froze in his tracks, Sumo coming to a stop next to him. Markus turned to look at him, eyes apologetic at asking such a forward question but making no move to dismiss it. Conner steeled himself for the conversation. His spine straightened, and eyes locked forward. He started walking again. “It was a business arrangement.”

               Markus kept pace with him. “Care to elaborate?”

               “Cyberlife is the world’s leading producers in robotics and artificial intelligence. Anything smarter than an analog clock, they’ve got their hands in. Smart phones, tablets, super computers, you name it, they’ve done it and that’s just in the last ten years. Only two people truly brought Cyberlife to the forefront of technological advances. Elijah Kamski and Amanda Stern.

               “Elijah is the brains behind Cyberlife’s inventions. His genius is unparalleled when it comes to coding and hard-ware. While he could rule the world with a few wires and some software, he’s not much of a businessman.”

               “I’m assuming that’s where your mother comes in.”

               “Amanda has been the CEO of Cyberlife through all its major accomplishments. Without her, there wouldn’t be a Cyberlife as we know it.

               But while she may be CEO, she doesn’t own any shares in the company. The Stern name has no connection to Cyberlife outside its big, glass doors and Amanda hates anything she can’t have. She feels that Cyberlife is as much hers as it is the Kamski’s.”

               “Seems like she wants to be part of the family.” Markus shook his head in disgust. “What exactly does she gain by marrying you to the Kamski’s?”

               “Power, prestige, about a third of the shares, second only to the Kamski’s.”

               “And what does the Kamskis get out of this arrangement?”

               “Amanda as CEO for the next ten years and then her apprentice for the next twenty.”

               Markus was silent as he contemplated this information. “That’s messed up.”

               “That’s business.”

               “And through all of that, you’re lost in the fine print.”

               Conner shrugged nonchalantly but Markus could see the tension in his shoulders. “You never did answer my question.” Conner looked at him confused. “Why did you agree? You’re an adult. You can say no.”

               Conner didn’t answer but his eyes darkened with so much despair that it caused a physical pain in Markus’ chest. Now he understood Conner’s connection with those paintings of his. The need to reach out and hold this man, to comfort him and protect him, was nearly overwhelming and his hand moved of it own accord. “Conner,” he started but Conner spoke.

               “It’s alright, Markus.” His voice was strong, but his smile wavered.

               No, it wasn’t alright, but Markus didn’t know how to fix it.

               “You never did answer my question either,” Conner stated breaking the tension.

               “And what’s that?”

               “What else can the Marvelous Markus do?”

               Markus chuckled slightly. “I guess you’ll just have to wait and see.”

               Conner locked eyes with him. “I suppose so.” Those deep brown eyes just seemed to pull Markus in and he was almost afraid he would lose himself in their depths.

               The moment was interrupted when Sumo let out a sudden and loud bark and jerked the leash out of Conner’s hand, leaving behind an angry sting. “Wait, Sumo! Come back!” He shouted taking off after the energized dog. Markus followed close behind and soon they were chasing Sumo through the park. Apologizing to startled bystanders, Sumo lead them out to a vacant field. Conner lunged for the animal but missed as Sumo turned at the last minute. Jumping to his feet quickly, Markus sped past him and nearly fell flat on his face when Sumo barreled into his legs.

               “Sumo, come here!” Conner called but the dog just wagged his tail, let out a ‘boof’, and dropped into a playful crouch, daring Conner to make a move. A mischievous grin was slowly making its way across his face as he stared down the Saint Bernard. “You won’t win, beast.”

               Warmth spread out from the center of his chest as Markus watched Conner play with Sumo. He looked so different from the moment before, unburdened and…happy. He chuckled quietly at Conner’s challenge. The playful atmosphere was thrumming with suspense as man and animal waited for the other to move. A small twitch toward the dog and Sumo took off like a shot. He ran straight past Markus who fingers just brushed his tail. His botched attempt nearly sent him face first into the grass again but a strong grip on his arm kept him from eating dirt.

               “Crafty, isn’t he?” Conner said with a sly smile and Markus snickered. “Go around and cut him off.”

               Markus gave him a mock salute. “Aye, aye, Captain.” He ran around the tree just as Conner corralled Sumo in that direction and Markus dove for him. His hand closed around the leash, “Gocha,” and Sumo slowed to a stop. Both men were breathing hard as they tried to calm their racing hearts. Markus handed the leash off to Conner.

               “Thanks.”

               “You’re welcome.” Markus replied their fingers brushing. It was then that he remembered, “Your hand.” He grabbed Conner’s right hand and turned it over, searching for the irritated rash on his palm.

               “Oh, it’s nothing, really.” Conner protested but it died quickly as his hand was cradled gently in warm, calloused hands. Tan fingers brushed over smooth skin, sending a tingle through his palm. He looked up to see mismatched eyes starting at him with a look he couldn’t quite describe but sent the butterflies in him shrieking. He just knew he had to be blushing.

               “I think you’ll be alright.” Markus spoke softly, and goosebumps formed on Conner’s arms.

               The moment broke as Sumo barked and ran a circle around them, effectively wrapping the leash around their legs. “Sumo, No!” Conner cried as he was thrown off balance. His hands immediately latched onto Markus’ shoulders as leverage as Markus’ hands instinctively landed on his hips. It was futile as they both toppled over with Conner landing on top of Markus, pressing flush against him. Mortified, Conner tried to scramble off him, effectively digging an elbow into Markus’ chest and ridding him of all the air in his lungs. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know what’s gotten into him.” Conner apologized, still wiggling. Arms wrapped around him and he froze.

               Markus let out a deep belly laugh that Conner could feel reverberating through his core and he stared, mesmerized, at the unbridled joy on Markus’ face. The grin revealed pearly white teeth and crinkled the edges of his eyes and Conner longed to run a finger over the tiny ridges. He could almost count the freckles on his nose. A black speck in the green of his left eye twinkled at him. His belly burned as he fought the desire to lean down and kiss him. He was so close.

               “It’s alright,” Markus said breaking him out of his very inappropriate musings and his face burned hotter. “Here,” Markus leaned up and Conner panicked, throwing an arm around him without thinking. The artist quickly detangled the leash from their legs and Conner slid off his lap onto the grass gratefully…and secretly disappointed.

               “Well, that was interesting.” Conner giggled a little self-conscious. Markus just grinned, eyes sparkling. The phone in Conner’s pocket buzzed and he pulled it out.

               ‘Stop stealing my dog, you plastic asshole.’

               “Well, Hank’s awake. I better get Sumo back.” He stood, holding his hand out to Markus. Fingers circled around his wrist immediately and he pulled him up, blatantly ignoring the tingling left behind as those fingers caressed the inside of his wrist and palm as they let go.

               “You seriously stole his dog?” Markus asked with a laugh.

               Conner grinned. “Only on my days off.”

               They stood there, just smiling at each other, when Conner finally backed away. “I’ll see you later, Markus.”

               “See you,” Markus replied raising his hand in a goodbye.

               Conner returned the wave and reluctantly turned his back, still grinning like a fool. He was really glad he decided to go to the festival today.

[littleredroseonthevalley]

St. Catherine of Vadstena

Or, Desperate Measures

Summary: Shunned by her lover, driven away by her family, offered a divorce by her husband, Alexandrina turns to the Seamstress for help.

Rating: T -  Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.

Mentions of abortion. Reader discretion is advised.

Words: 1516

Notes: This makes a whole more lot sense if you read St. Paul or, How the Ladies Take Their Tea in Grover and St. Catherine of Alexandria or, The Piety of the Seamstress first, but you should get it just fine without.

St. Catherine of Vadstena is the patron saint of protection against (natural) abortion, but since voluntary abortion is forbidden by the Catholic Church since 1588, I had to make a bit of a stretch to find a saint.

Be as it may, I hope you enjoy it!

“Noticing that frequently by various Apostolic Constitutions the audacity and daring of most profligate men, who know no restraint, of sinning with license against the commandment ‘do not kill’ was repressed; We who are placed by the Lord in the supreme throne of justice, being counseled by a most just reason, are in part renewing old laws and in part extending them in order to restrain with just punishment the monstrous and atrocious brutality of those who have no fear to kill most cruelly fetuses still hiding in the maternal viscera.

Who will not detest such an abhorrent and evil act, by which are lost not only the bodies but also the souls? Who will not condemn to a most grave punishment the impiety of him who will exclude a soul created in the image of God and for which Our Lord Jesus Christ has shed His precious Blood, and which is capable of eternal happiness and is destined to be in the company of angels, from the blessed vision of God, and who has impeded as much as he could the filling up of heavenly mansions, and has taken away the service to God by His creature?”

~ Effraenatam (Papal Bull), Pope Sixtus V, 1588

In Grovershire, within walking distance from the county town, there was a small, simple farmstead, not unlike many others on the sides of the road. What set it apart from all others, however, is that its owner, a certain Mary Beauchamp, a woman famed for her ability to make things disappear.

For Alexandrina, right now, that is all she needed.

She arrived at the house on a rental carriage, dressed on a thick cape, unusual for the summer weather, and carrying a single suitcase.

The front door opened wide for her to come in. Mary needed no further explanation; she knew why that woman came to her house.

“Sit down.” The matron pointed her a cosy armchair. “I will brew you some tea. Would you like some biscuits to go with?”

“No, thank you, madam.” The blonde aristocrat shakes her head softly. “I am too nauseous from the trip.”

Mary suppresses a smile. “Best get used to it.”

The proprietor serves the hot beverage and, while the visitor sips the cup, she inquires, “How far along are you?”

“Six weeks, I assume.” She responds quietly, and then proceeds to the calculations, “The last time I have been with him was April, and I have not bled in May.”

“Some women bleed into pregnancy, miss. ‘Tis not a reliable method of assessing your condition.” The older woman lectures. “You have been with a man regularly in March?”

“Since February.” Her cheeks tint as she thinks of the occasion. “I stopped going to my husband’s bed in October last, and then I met…” She stops on her tracks.

“Do not fret, child. I understand.” Mary smiled softly. “You seem not to have gotten pregnant in February, your stomach is yet to show. How many times have you adjusted your dresses?”

“Once, madam.” She responded. “Last week.”

“I see. Well, I would say you are six to ten weeks along. Which is very good for us, it gives us options.”

Mary stood from her own seat by Alexandrina and walked to the mantle, taking a rather large wooden box. She returns to her seat and places the box on the coffee table and opens it softly.

“Those are herbs used on restellism procedures.” She explains. “They have many uses, and they have many methods through which they terminate a pregnancy. As such, they have varying degrees of dangers associated to them.”

At the mention of the risks, the blonde woman’s cheeks paled.

“Do not worry, as I said you are in luck. Your pregnancy is still early, your child still does not have a placenta.” She picks up a sheaf of dried leaves. “For you, I would recommend this one. It forces your monthly blood. It should expel the baby with it.”

Mary places it on her hands, and Alexandrina admires the herbal medicine, its texture and smell.

“Will I have to eat it?” She enquires, curiously.

“No, we brew a tea with it. It is rather bitter, but we sweeten with honey.” The madam explains. “Of course, the hard part is not drinking it. It will cause severe cramps and bleeding, but you should be fine in three days.”

The young woman drops it like it is hot. “Oh, God.”

“There is another option, of course.” Mary argues. “We can carry it to term. You can stay here in the house, we would care for your health and, when the day comes, I will deliver it and arrange for a quiet adoption. It, however, is going to cost you a pretty penny.”

“I do not have much cash. I carry only some jewellery I could hide on my suitcase, and I will need it for… after.” She informed.

“Well, there is a third alternative.” The matron says, thoughtful. “You can write your husband a letter, pleading for him to take you back, at least for the duration of your pregnancy. I can go there, deliver it and reason with him.”

“I suppose that would be the best…” The blonde argues. “Very well, where do I find paper and ink?”

“My daughter Susan will show you to your room and provide everything you need for your stay.” Mary smiled. “Write the letter, and after, try to have some rest. I am certain I can wear him down to a reasonable arrangement.”

“How can you be so certain?” She asks, legitimately doubting it.

Mary limits herself to chuckle. “Because you are on my living room and not rotting on a prison cell.”

It was nightfall, Mary had left with the letter hours ago and should not return before noon the next day.

Despite the recommendation for bed rest, Alexandrina was feeling too energetic, too anxious to sleep.

Suddenly, a knock on the door and Susan walks into the room, carrying with her a trail with a bowl of supper.

“I brought you supper, Mrs Sinclaire,” She says. “And a book, too. You ought to carve a hole on the floor walking back and forth that much.”

The blonde stops short of her pacing and looks at the young girl sheepishly. “I apologize. I am feeling rather nervous.”

“It is nothing I have not seen before.” The other responds, placing the tray on the bedside table. “Many women in your situation have come here in search of help; some were told off by their husbands and cast away from society, but most were taken back by their families. I trust my mother will find a way for you.”

“Oh, easy for you to say!” Alexandrina argues, beyond herself. “I could very well be one of the exiled.”

The brunette toots. “Well, you know your husband better than any one of us. Is he a good man?”

That was an easy question. “Yes.” For all his boring personality, Ernest was the best man she ever knew.

“Does he care you?” She continues.

That was a harder one. “He used to… before all this….”

“No matter, if he cared if ever so slightly, and if his intent is good, he will take you back.” Susan states, firmly. “Now, eat. I will bring you another candle, it is probably going to be a sleepless night for you.”

As Susan predicted, Alexandrina did not sleep a single moment in the night, having perused the entirety of the book procured for her.

Les Liaisons Dangereuses, it was the title of the novel, as the brunette argued it would be beneficial for her to have some exposure to self-reliant women, even if only characters on a libel.

The morning brought Mary with a carriage, instructed to take Alexandrina back to Ledford Park. Mr Sinclaire had agreed to give her shelter for the entirety of her pregnancy, and would consider assuming the child and providing for them both afterwards.

Before leaving, Alexandrina cried and hugged both women, rejoicing the shift on her luck and blessing them both for taking her in on her time of need. As a token of gratitude, she had gifted them with a beautiful diamond necklace, that Mary hid under the floorboards, to use in case of emergency.

There were good times and bad times for the Beauchamps following the departure of Alexandrina, but there was never a day in which they were so desperate as in to retrieve the necklace.

They caught wind of her death, and Mary lightened a candle for her soul, so she and her child be received in the Lord’s graces and unbound forgiveness.

So, one day, years later, Susan took it with her to dinner at the Sinclaire’s London townhouse. Covertly, she took it out of her dress and hid it between two books on their library, while Ernest retrieved a Shakespeare poetry collection.

It was only fair, Susan chuckles to herself as she thinks about it, she was about to steal the dead woman’s husband, best to return her prized necklace.

Taglist: @catlady0911; @mrsernestsinclaire; @snickette; @tornbetween2loves

[megacircuit9universe]

Pokemon Go to the Polls!

THU MAR 05 2020

The big news today was that Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the race.

She didn’t endorse either Bernie, or Biden, but she did at least get out of Bernie’s way.

As I wrote yesterday, when Pete and Klobi dropped out the day before Super Tuesday, the iron was hot, and their unexpected departures and endorsements of Biden made it hotter.

Warren’s departure isn’t like that... dropping out two days after Super Tuesday, when that iron is cooling off... but four days before the next round of states: Idaho, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, and Washington... which are all stone cold right now.

There is no fun name for these six states on March 10th. Consequential Tuesday is what it should be called, but I’d settle for Cool Tuesday, or even Casual Tuesday... anything.  But no.

There will be no debate between Biden and Sanders before these states vote.  And Warren isn’t going to endorse anybody beforehand.

Nevertheless, Washington and Michigan are two biggies, with Washington seemingly safe for Bernie Sanders, and Michigan a toss up.  The other four are now presumed to be going to Joe Biden.

I think Warren’s exit will solidify Washington for Bernie, but he really needs to kill it in Michigan, if he’s gonna break the Super Tuesday spell and claim to be making a comeback.  

And it would not hurt if Bernie stole one of the other four out from Under Biden.

The 18 to 38 vote here would make a huge difference, but will they turn out in force, like the cavalry, on Tuesday the 10th to save his ass?

Based on the primary season so far... no, they won’t.

Because they have not turned out in any numbers at all in Iowa, New Hampshire, and all the rest.  And nobody in the media... not even in the alternative media, like TYT and the like on  YouTube, are reaching out to this demographic in any meaningful way.

It’s a huge disappointment!

On TikTok, I am finally seeing this week, some peer pressure from fellow youngsters to get up off their asses and act, but not nearly enough.  

When I think back to last summer, with the, Raid Area 51 Memes that everybody was doing... and to this past January with the WW3 memes that were just as viral... these few isolated videos I see where somebody is begging their fellow teens or twenty-somethings to vote in the primaries... it’s just sad how weak the signal is by comparison.

There is a meme that’s pretty viral called, “don’t make me vote for Joe Biden” that’s been going around all primary season, but... it got it’s start with jaded millennials on Twitter, and, was picked up by younger TikTockers who... are buying into the apathy of their 30-something counterparts without questioning it.

The central conceit of this meme is that they’re not going to vote at all until the general election in the fall... so please... old people... don’t nominate Joe Biden.  Please, old people... nominate Bernie Sanders, who is our hands down fave!

Now, clearly, they all know they are allowed to vote in state primaries... but they’re all acting like... that level of involvement is a bit too much to ask of they, themselves... the hip and jaded youth.  Going to the polls two times in one year?  Come on!  We have lives!

Never mind that for all these young adults, either on Twitter or TikTok, who are overwhelmingly white and/or affluent, their polling place is probably within easy walking distance of home... and that voting will take only about five minutes... is free... and is painless (it’s not like you have to get a shot or something)... it’s still a hell of a lot to ask them to do twice in the same year.

I put this mainly down to ignorance of the big picture.  That big picture being: voting is the most important thing you can do to improve your life.  It’s more important than school, work, dating, chasing your dreams, or even eating and using your toilet, because it’s fundamental to all of them.  

Story time here...

When I was turning 18, in 1987, my home state of Illinois was still considered a red state.  Reagan could rely on us both times around, and we regularly voted for Republican Governors. 

This, of course was long before the internet, but there was a definite underground movement going on at the time, to get young voters registered and involved in the political process. 

This is why I voted for Mike Dukakis right after I turned 18... and why I continued to vote in every single election, primary or general, local, state, and federal, for the rest of my life.  It was instilled in my whole generation, here, that this was a fundamental civic duty that paid off.

So... I do not think it’s a coincidence that thirty years later, Illinois is considered as reliably blue as California and New York, and that in 2020, when so much of the Midwest, and the rest of the country are withering under far right oppression... we have a democratic Governor, Senate, and House, enjoy legal weed, are leading the Midwest on climate change and green energy,  are a sanctuary for undocumented migrants, a haven for the LGBT rights, and doing better than most states with racial and gender equality.

This is what happens when you get a generation of young people to prioritize voting early and often, from the age of 18 onward.  

It’s what should happen to every state, but what could happen in Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Ohio, Texas and Florida very soon, if anybody gave enough of a fuck to mobilize the young voters.

It seems ridiculous to me that here in 2020, when we have such a sophisticated internet, with hand held devices in every pocket... and with this ideal Presidential candidate... Bernie Sanders... champing at the bit to bring, not just the states mentioned above, but the entire country... into the 21st century in terms of universal health care, climate change, legal weed, etc... that the 18 to 38 demographic is sitting on their hands, pretending nobody under 60 is even allowed to vote for anything.

In normal times, I’d say... you’re gonna wait 30 more years for the stars to line up again like this with a national candidate who is anywhere near as progressive as Bernie.  But these are not normal times, so... if you (they, we) do not take this opportunity... it may well never come again.

Climate change, pandemics, authoritarianism... economic depression... famine and war... 

...all things which have been bearing down constantly on humanity since the dawn of civilization, and which only modern democracy has managed to hold back, the last 70 or 80 years... 

...are right on the doorstep now, waiting to devour us... this time on a global scale.

Is that fear mongering?  No.  That’s reality.  This is an emergency.  All hands on deck, goddammit!

Generations of people dedicated their lives... or gave their lives... to defend this democratic system we have in the free world where intellect wins over ignorance, innovation over hardship, and enlightenment over brutality... and that system goes away tomorrow... if you don’t vote.

Elderly voters don’t give a shit about the future. They care about the past... and protecting themselves in their old age.  Is that callous?  Yes!  Old people have no problem sending young people off to war to die... and no problem handing their own grandchildren a flaming pile of shit world... because they are selfish, brain damaged bastards, the whole lot of them.

That’s why a whole generation had to fight to lower the voting age to 18... because they were being fucking slaughtered in Korea and VietNam.

They won’t just make you vote for Joe Biden, if you let them... they will make you watch Trump destroy him, before he destroys you.  Why the fuck would you sit back and let this happen?

Millenials and GenZ... and all the yet to be born generations to follow are crippled with debt out of college, have no hope of owning homes, are facing a planet that is slowly turning into a hellscape, and watching right wing fascists dismantle the constitution in front of their faces in real time... and doing nothing to stop it, by using the most powerful tool they have... the one that was won for them by blood sacrifices.

Why?

Just fucking go to your goddamn polling place and spend five minutes of your shitty life checking some boxes for fuck sake!  Jesus, fucking Christ!

Okay, that seems like a good place to leave it tonight.

I’m going to bed.

[kentonramsey]

The 10 Frozen Dinners I (Bravely) Tried, Ranked

There’s nothing quite like waking up at 7 a.m. to pop a frozen “lemon pepper fish fillet” into the oven—a morning routine I never considered until last week, when my editor Haley requested that I review 10 frozen meals.

“Okay,” I replied tentatively. “But, also, did you see my pitch about tasting all the potato chip flavors in Paris?”

“LOL,” she wrote back. “Please include some frozen seafood options.”

I’ve got no problem with frozen dinners, technically speaking. My mom fed me many a block of Stouffer’s Spinach Soufflé (accent theirs) during the years 1993 through 1999. And it’s not that I’m a snobby food writer or anything like that—I’m so often accompanied by Cheez-Its they’re basically my house pet. It’s just that, as an adult, I’ve had one too many experiences with foods defrosted directly from the freezer that have resulted in me using words like “gummy” and “moist” and “jesus christ, this is bland, quick pass me that hot sauce you stole from a Mexican restaurant.” Also, I recently threw up after eating chicken piccata on a short-haul flight. 

But I am nothing if not open-minded (I once purchased low-waist jeans) and apparently I’m in the minority when it comes to dinners that begin as ice cubes. “Sales of microwavable meals are rising at the fastest pace in a decade,” declared the Wall Street Journal in their latest dispatch on the topic. Furthermore, Haley pretty much insisted: It is Forever Month, after all, and nothing endures quite like a frozen dinner.

So I took a stroll down my local freezer aisle and selected 10 frozen dinners that seemed most representative of all 2020 has to offer, from nostalgic throwbacks to more modern fare, such as a noodle bowl that claims to be “powered by plants.” To truly level the playing field, I added nary a flake of Maldon nor a drop of Huy Fong chili garlic sauce to any plastic tray of reheated food. Below, I’ve ranked them in ascending order of least to most likely to be consumed by me again.

Were any delicious enough to make me forget about the chicken piccata incident? Let’s find out.

10. Evol’s Truffle Parmesan Mac & Cheese

440 calories, 24 grams fat, 560 milligrams sodium, 44 grams carbs, 14 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: Evol’s Mac & Cheese box says it contains “tubetti” pasta and creamy truffle-parm-ched cheese sauce “all topped with insanely tasty panko breadcrumbs,” which presents a lot to unpack. First thing: You’re telling me there’s been a noodle shape called “tubetti” all along, and it’s basically just a longer version of ditalini, not extremely long strands of hollow and unpredictable noodles that look like amusement park slides, or bucatini on rumspringa? Nothing ever goes my way. Second thing: Didn’t we collectively decide not to use “insane” in such a casual, pejorative way anymore? That seems wise.

What’s Inside: Tubetti pasta in a cheese sauce, topped with problematic breadcrumbs.                             

How It Tastes: I wanted so badly to love this frozen dinner, which is essentially just cheese wrapped tenderly around starch. But the parm-cheddar situation lacked the salt needed to coax flavor from fat, and it turns out I’m just not a truffle maximalist. The breadcrumbs were respectable, especially around the edges where they rubbed shoulders with cheese, and were crunchier than anticipated. One remarkable, exhilarating discovery was the bottom of the tubetti, where there formed a floor-layer of sauce and breadcrumbs that melded together and tasted like crispy cheese twists. 

The Final Word: This is a reliable option for people who love truffles in any form, even in theory. Otherwise, just make cheesy pasta on the stovetop. 

9. Marie Callender’s Chicken Pot Pie 

600 calories, 32 grams fat, 960 milligrams sodium, 61 grams carbs, 17 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: Marie Callender’s chicken pot pie (hereby known as a CPP) comes in a box so assertively compact, it may as well be me trying out for the 10th grade mock trial team. Cramped freezers, this one’s for you. 

What’s Inside: No celery to speak of, contrary to the image on the package, but lots of the sort of gravy one associates with a pot pie, as well as chicken in pieces I can only describe as chunks, despite an aversion to the word, some softened carrot coins, and a gaggle of peas. 

How It Tastes: Like any CPP, this one had its highs and its lows. The crust was super pleasant (and adorably crimped), both on top and down below. The chicken chunks—ugh—were texturally fine, but may as well have been any old white meat. I’m always down for aggressively mushy carrots and reheated peas, though I would’ve liked three times as many. The gravy was a disappointment, which is disappointing in itself, because gravy exists to lift the spirits of all other elements in a dish, like Jerry Harris in Cheer.

The Final Word: A homemade CPP would’ve been better, but who has that kind of time?! This one could get the job done on a cold night, or a hungover Sunday, or any time you need to comfort yourself because you didn’t get onto the 10th grade mock trial team and now you review snacks for a living. 

8. Smart Ones’ Pasta with Swedish Meatballs

290 calories, 5 grams fat, 740 mg sodium, 40 grams carbs, 17 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: The meatballs present as gray in the photo, like a cartoon rendering of a kidney stone, or gefilte fish long after its prime. This is, however, the least confusing aspect when you consider that both flat-leaf and curly-leaf parsley are pictured. Absolute anarchy. 

What’s Inside: Lots of saucy noodles, described in box copy as “freshly made pasta” but in the ingredient list as “cooked enriched macaroni product,” and about six-ish small meatballs (I forgot to count before plunging in, as I love meatballs fervently and urgently).

How It Tastes: Classic Swedish meatballs are cooked in a savory, creamy, meaty gravy. This iteration was underwhelming—not nearly lively enough—but the meatballs themselves slapped so hard I texted my mom about them. The noodles were surprisingly fine, if a bit soggy, but they’re defrosted cooked noodles, so give them a break.

The Final Word: This one’s for those who love mini meatballs on any occasion (me, I’m talking about me) and can look past limp trimmings. Others might opt out. 

7. Lean Cuisine’s COMFORT Herb Roasted Chicken

170 calories, 3.5 grams fat, 520 milligrams sodium, 17 grams carbs, 18 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: I associate Lean Cuisine with my little sister’s babysitter, who was always firing them up when she was babysitting, so I was disturbed to realize I’d selected a “Lean Cuisine COMFORT,” which, based on the CAPS, would be unlikely to transform my entire persona into one of self-restraint and virtue. 

What’s Inside: A slice of chicken that seems like a cross-section of a breast, gravy (I’m sensing a theme!), mushrooms, a few potato pieces, broccoli, and two or three errant clippings of what looks to be red pepper. 

How It Tastes: I’ve spent more time than I care to recall with chicken breasts, the devil’s cut, and I actually kind of loved this one. It somehow managed not to be rubbery, or to taste like weird old meat, despite being dubiously thin and lacking a bone. The vegetables were bland—old song, new tune—but the gravy could get it. It looked and tasted like diner gravy, in the best possible way: a blonde roux with just enough salt, and some indistinguishable dried herb flecks. 

The Final Word: This would make for a very decent (if light) chicken dinner while you, say, Google your sister’s old babysitter to see what she’s up to. 

6. Healthy Choice’s Lemon Pepper Fish

280 calories, 3.5 grams fat, 510 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams carbs, 14 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: None really, which is notable in and of itself.

What’s Inside: A roughly three by four-inch fillet of breaded pollock, over a bed of rice with colorful flecks in it, a bunch of broccoli, and an “apple dessert.”

How It Tastes: The fillet didn’t smell great right out the gate, but was actually lovely, like one big, flat fish stick. It did taste vaguely lemony and vaguely peppery, but more like the ideas of lemon and pepper than the actual ingredients. The broccoli became very small when heated and angrily expelled a lot of liquid, but otherwise tasted like broccoli. I’m tempted to gloss right over the rice, which was flavorless and mattered less than zucchini on a crudité platter, so we can get to that “apple dessert.” I’ve got to say, my expectations were low given that it looked like (and may have been) ambiguous fruit lumps floating in a jacuzzi filled with taupe slop. But man was I wrong! I loved that “apple dessert.” It was sweet and kind of cinnamon-y, cozy but not cloying. Its only flaw was package design, by which I mean that when I tipped the tray back to drink the apple-sugar syrup, I got hot broccoli water all over my face. 

The Final Word: If you’re willing to let go of your normative notions about how fish sticks should be shaped, you won’t regret it. 

5. Hungry-Man’s Spicy Boneless Chicken Wyngz 

790 calories, 43 grams fat, 1620 milligrams sodium (okay, WHAT!), 76 grams carbs, 24 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: Oh boy. Literally everything. First, why must we gender frozen dinners? And if we must gender frozen dinners, need we use a superfluous hyphen as in the style of Hungry-Man? Moving right along, what the hell is a wyng, and is wyngz in fact its true plural? Aha, here’s one answer, elsewhere on the box: wyngz are “seasoned fried white meat chicken patties” and these particular wyngz are served with “mashed potatoes and tangy buffalo dipping sauce—includes a chocolate brownie” because hungry-men don’t use an oxford comma, apparently, but they do call in a random em dash when it suits them.

What’s Inside: A truly chaotic amount of wyngz, a pocket of potato matter, a generous serving of spicy sauce, and a brownie that puffs up while it cooks until it’s buoyant as a blow out. 

How It Tastes: The chicken nuggets—let’s call these little fuckers what they are—were delightful, with a well-seasoned shell evocative of top-notch fast food. The tangy buffalo dipping sauce was tangy as promised, and plentiful enough to make a wan French person say, “That’s how much le hot sauce I use in a whole year.” The mashed potats were a mere ghost of mashed potats, sad sad sad. (They can be improved with periodic drizzles of the buffalo sauce, if any of your allotted third-of-a-cup remains.) And the brownie! What a journey she and I had. I thought the brownie was going to be awful, because it looked like a burned muffin, but that’s why they tell you never to judge a brownie by its acclivity. It turned out to be fudgy, decidedly good, and dare I say the perfect foil to the salty-spicy wyngz. 

The Final Word: If I were wine-drunk and someone made this frozen dinner for me, I’d be thrilled.  

4. Stouffer’s CLASSICS Lasagna with Meat & Sauce

370 calories, 13 grams fat, 900 milligrams sodium, 42 grams carbs, 21 grams protein 

Notable Packaging Details: The box broadcasts “100% pure beef,” which begs the question: What is impure beef? It also says it contains “2x the meat*,” which would be existentially confounding on its own, even if it wasn’t followed by an asterisk and fine print that reads: “2x the meat required by the lasagna with meat sauce standard.” This sent me on an internet deep dive, which sent me to Stouffer’s PR rep, because I absolutely needed to know who set such a standard and when, and whether I’ve been shirking it my whole life. (Answers: USDA, and “6 percent fresh meat.” Let’s move on immediately.)

What’s Inside: A large hunk of lasagna with zero accompaniments, though the box does diplomatically suggest that you “pair this portion with a side salad and a glass of low-fat milk as part of a balanced diet.” I most certainly did not. 

How It Tastes: Pretty much exactly like SpaghettiOs Meat Ravioli*, if memory serves. Which is to say, the pure beef had a certain eau de can, but in a way that’s totally fine and you can live with. The noodles were thicker than expected—more stick than sog—and small nubs of cheese swam throughout the sauce like plastic in our oceans. A lasagna noodle peeking out from the soupy, cheesy mélange wasn’t crispy, per se, but was dry and unsauced in a way that offered some textural diversity. (*Apologies for the tangent but I just learned that SpaghettiOs are called “Spaghetti Hoops” in the UK and I can’t be alone with that, now can I?) 

The Final Word: Some evenings just call for eating reheated lasagna while wearing a soft bathrobe. On those occasions, why not treat yourself to 2x the meat?

3. Amy’s Cheese Tamale Verde

380 calories, 16 grams fat, 780 milligrams sodium, 46 grams carbs, 12 grams protein 

Notable Packaging Details: This box is the equivalent of your friend who keeps posting about her Whole30, in that phrases like “Organic” and “No GMOs” and “Gluten Free” feature prominently, and you’re not remotely interested in learning more. The imagery shows a decanted tamal plated against a Jan Frans van Dael-esque tableaux of semi-unwrapped tomatillos and auburn hibiscus, with a thin slice of lime resting peacefully against a mound of rice and beans, as if cat-napping.

What’s Inside: A Monterey Jack tamal with salsa verde, Spanish rice, ORGANIC black beans, and a disappointing lack of lime slices. 

How It Tastes: Unwrapping a tamal as if it’s a little present just for you is roughly 80 percent of the fun of a tamal, so I was bummed to realize this one came sans husk. Once I recovered from that blow, I got involved straight away with the masa, which was perfectly fine—not quite as crumbly as I would have liked, but I wouldn’t kick it out of bed, which is where I typically eat. The beans and rice were take-or-leave, and I took, as I was still possessed by the spirit of The Hungry-Man. Melty cheese remains superb as ever, but there was about 10 percent as much as I wanted. The star—the salsa verde—was in fact pert and additive, if subtle.  

The Final Word: I’d happily enjoy this any day but my birthday, when the absence of a little gift would feel too on the nose.

2. Kashi’s Creamy Cashew Noodle Bowl

360 calories, 14 grams fat, 400 milligrams sodium, 46 grams carbs, 15 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: Kashi’s Creamy Cashew Noodle Bowl is vegan, but not in your face about it. Like, if you invited it to your birthday dinner, it wouldn’t make a big fuss about splitting a bill that includes non-vegan dishes others ordered for the table. 

What’s Inside: A tangle of buckwheat-semolina noodles tossed with julienned carrots, strips of red onion, shelled edamame, and cashew sauce. 

How It Tastes: This was solid—it reminded me of something one would’ve made in the early days of Blue Apron: simple, on the sweeter side, healthy, and inoffensive. Were I not committing a restrictive and completely self-imposed experiment, I would’ve added salt and spice and then I think I would’ve really enjoyed it. 

The Final Word: Best to keep a few of these in your freezer for those biweekly panics about eating like total trash.

1. Trader Joe’s Chicken Tikka Masala

360 calories, 14 grams fat, 580 milligrams sodium, 39 grams carbs, 21 grams protein

Notable Packaging Details: The box itself is pretty blah—there’s no real sob story or intriguing photography. Someone at TJ’s did manage to sneak the word robust into the copy, though, as in “roasted chicken breast in a robust cream sauce,” a feat that strikes me as quietly subversive, like when your friend smuggles a scone into a SoHo House so you can eat it clandestinely from her purse.

What’s Inside: There’s chicken tikka masala in that robust sauce, which takes up about 60 percent of the interior real estate, and cumin-flavored basmati rice, which makes up the balance. Who do I have to wine and dine (etc.) to get a piece of naan around here? 

How It Tastes: TJ’S CTM was my most highly anticipated frozen dinner, for sure; the internet loves it. Once heated, its plastic film puffed up so proudly that I suspected it knew this. After letting the tray cool for years, I dove in. It certainly wasn’t the best chicken tikka masala I’ve ever had—the sauce leaned heavy on the spices, rather than the balance of richness and tanginess—but it still hit the spot. (Full disclosure, the chicken pieces weren’t particularly tender, and based on the texture alone I might’ve guessed they were cooked tuna.) The rice tasted less of cumin and more of bottled water, though it served as a suitable carb with which to shovel sauced chicken into my mouth.

The Final Word: This chicken tikka masala would make for an exciting desk dinner any night of the week. (A desk-dinner’s when you eat at your desk as though you’re going to continue to work after normal working hours have ended, like some sort of Laura Dern character, but moments after you finish your dinner, you melt-down, move to the couch, and turn on Love Island.)

In conclusion, it’s probably best that I avoid sodium for a while. But in the meantime, I’ll be thinking good thoughts about microwavable chicken tikka masala, creamy cashew noodles, and the whole gang, actually—everyone’s got at least one strength. 

And Haley, if you’re reading this, I’d still really like an all-expenses paid trip to Paris. 

Have a hot (or cold) tip for our Snacks Critic? Leave a comment or send her a note at contactellaquittner@gmail.com.

Photos by Alistair Matthews. Prop Styling by Max Rappaport.

The post The 10 Frozen Dinners I (Bravely) Tried, Ranked appeared first on Man Repeller.

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[lolainblue]

Thunderbirds    Chapter 25

T/w   Just ridiculous heaping helpings of angst.  Adult language. I said drugs once.

   As we made our way down the hall to Jared's room, Jane tangled her fingers into mine, gripping my hand tightly.  She had barely said a word since her confessional earlier and I was getting a little worried about where her head was at.  Halfway down the hallway, she stopped.

  “What if he doesn't understand, Shannon?" she asked. "What if he believes them and not me?”

   I stopped and looked back at Jane. All the confidence she had displayed the day before had gone right out of her.  She looked tired again, and the little crease at the top of her nose that only made an appearance when she was upset was back.  I knew that the things the people on that site had said had gotten in her head.  I had to pull her back out of it before she got lost there.

  “He'll believe you.  He'll understand.” I tried to reassure her.  “And if he doesn't, well he's got another movie coming up so we can ignore him all we want until he does come to his senses. We just have to get through this tour.” Jane sighed and nodded, pushed her shoulders back and started back down the hallway.

  "Another movie, huh?" she said.  

   I nodded in agreement.  "Yeah, that's why he's grown his hair out."

  "Boy, he sure keeps busy. Isn't that going to make it hard for the band?"

  "We've got another album planned, we're going to work around his shooting schedule.  It'll be fine." I reassured her.

   I had Jane stand to the side when I knocked on Jared's door, just in case he was going to go all psycho and not open up with her there. However, he was on the phone when he opened it and he just left it ajar as he walked back into the room, never stopping his conversation.  I put my arm around Jane's waist and guided her inside.

  Jared finished his call and tossed the phone onto the bed before turning to face us.  With a shake of his head, he looked first to me and then to Jane.  “Aw Jesus, what fresh hell is this?”

   “You need to listen to us Jared,” I told him, trying to sound firm but reasonable. “You think you know what's going on but you're wrong.”

  Jared scoffed.  “Oh what, because she says so?”

   Jane seemed to find her nerve again.  “Because it's the truth," she said indignantly.  "Let me guess, you found a website with a bunch of alleged information about me? Obnoxious pink and purple thing, supposed to be a fan site for Lacey Addams but spends a suspicious amount of effort talking about me?” Jared kept his level gaze on her, unanswering.  “Well news flash, that's Angus's psycho ex-girlfriend and her little lemmings.”

   “I bet she calls you psycho too,” Jared retorted, folding his arms over his chest.

  “Yeah, probably,” Jane conceded, “but only one of us has been arrested and hauled into court over it.  Only one of us has a restraining order against her. Hint: it ain't me.  And you can look all of that up and verify it I'm sure, it was quite the stink at the time.”

   “So you're going to tell me that's all lies? That she made all of that up?” Jared asked with an air of disbelief.  

   “I wish I could."  Jane sighed and her tone changed, some of the self-righteousness and certainty falling away.  "There's some truth in there, carefully woven in to give the whole thing an air of credibility.  But I'm not that person Jared.  And I swear to you I would never do anything to hurt Shannon.”

    Jared's head practically swiveled around full tilt. “Well, that's a lie right there. Do you have any idea how bad you hurt him when you hauled ass out of L.A.? Because I do.  I was there to pick up those pieces.”

    This was not going the direction I needed it to. “That's not fair Jared,” I chimed in. “She didn't really have an option to stay. And I knew she was leaving when I got involved with her.  I've told you all this, about a dozen times now.  Up until she showed up again, I thought we were all good.”

  “Well, you thought wrong.  I figured she was gone and I let it go." He was speaking to me but his eyes stayed trained on Jane.  I guess I shouldn't have.”

   “I can't believe you're just going to take a bunch of garbage you read on the internet at face value, and I don't know what to do to convince you, Jared.  I'm not even sure what you think the story is so its kind of hard to dispute things.” Jane met his unblinking gaze but I could see she was trying to dial the confrontation down. “Just please stop making assumptions and ask me some questions. Or make a specific accusation.  Something. Please give me something to work with here.”

  Jared sneered at her.  “Okay, first things first.  That fellowship....”  

   “Did not fucking happen like that,” Jane interjected. It was like she hadn't said a thing though.  Jared continued on.

   “Did you precious Aussie beefcake know you were using him to make your boyfriend feel threatened like that so he'd give you the fellowship to keep you around? Or was he as clueless a bystander as the rest of us? Hell, maybe he was in on the whole thing, guys a piece of work all his own.”

  “What?" I questioned. "Is that what that site said?” Christ, no wonder Jane hadn't wanted me looking at it.

    Jared looked triumphant. “Oh oh oh, hasn't he read the site? Or did you just convince him to take your word for everything?  Again.”

  “James was never really my boyfriend," was Jane's tight reply. "And he didn't give me the fellowship to get me back because he didn't have any desire to have me around at all at that point. He had zero motive. I earned that thing.”

  Jared snorted derisively.  “Yeah, I bet you did.”

  “Watch it, Jay.” I wanted to let the two of them have it out and clear the air but I wasn't just going to let him ride roughshod over Jane.  He just rolled his eyes at me and immediately turned his attentions back to Jane.

  “You're a user, Jane.  You used that guy to get your fellowship, you use Roger to get you past the velvet ropes that shaking  your ass won't move on its own, you used all those rich guys you used to fuck in exchange for jewelry and fancy dinners, you used Beefcake for expensive vacations and his family connections, you used that poor dead guy for his money.  You used Shannon to get to me and when that fell apart you were gone because he didn't have anything left you could use.  And now that he's making something of himself, look who's sniffing around again.”

   Jane had gone pale again and she was biting her lip in a desperate attempt to regain composure.  I couldn't have her falling apart again.  “It's not like that Jared,” I said defensively.  “You've got it all wrong.” He ignored me.

   “Of course Aussie is just using you too so I guess maybe Karma really does work.”

   Jane took a shaky breath and I wasn't sure if the next thing was going to be tears or fury.  It turned out to be fury and she practically spat out her retort.  “Roger is my best friend.  Of course I'm going to go places with him.  That doesn't mean I'm using him.  And I never slept with any of those guys.”

  “Yeah right.”

   “No, I didn't," she enunciated.  I could see Jane struggling with her emotions.  I could only imagine the mix of anger and helplessness she was feeling right now. Getting called to the carpet for all your life choices was a shitty feeling. Especially when most of the accusations were lies and she had no way to prove the truth. She didn't have to do this, didn't have to stand here and defend herself while Jared hurled abuse at her. She could have just said fuck it and let Jared stew in his own juices until he left for his film shoot.  He wasn't the one she was trying to have a relationship with.  But she desperately wanted to put things right, and a big part of the reason why was so Jared and I could repair our relationship.  That alone spoke volumes about her character.  I wish Jared could see it.

  “There are always rich old men sniffing around the models,” she continued, “and when I started dressing up more they started noticing me too. I made sure they understood it was never going to be a sexual thing. But they like to have a pretty girl on their arm, something to show off.  Some of them were pretty good company but I was really just expensive jewelry.  So many of the girls did it, I didn't see the harm. I didn't think it was that awful at the time but if I had to do it again I'd chose differently.”

    Jared shook his head.  “Even if I take your word for that, which, by the way, I have no reason to do, what about the rest of it?”

  “Look, we can circle back around to Angus when we're done with this if you want but I think you've got the wrong idea there too.  As for Jefferson...” I reached over and grabbed Jane's hand, hoping the contact would reassure her enough not to break down in front of Jared.  I didn't think her tears would help this situation. “Everything that site says about him and me couldn't be more wrong. It is a complete fabrication.  I'd tell you to ask Roger, but we all know he would bald faced lie to the Angel Gabriel himself to protect me so he's not exactly a reliable witness.  Just dig a little deeper on him. I know there are things about him on the internet.  They are the truth.”

   Jane pulled her hand out of mine and gazed at it for a minute, and I saw her reach to fidget with something on her ring finger that wasn't there.  I wondered if that ring from Angus was the first one she had gotten.  With a sick feeling, I realized Jared was at least partially right, I still had no idea what was going on here.  I hadn't read the site, and I had just taken Jane at her word for all of this.  There's no way she could have told me everything in those few minutes. Still, I trusted her.  

  “Jane, it's not the individual circumstances.  It's your character.  Again, right from the start..”

    Jane threw her head back and rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, you are still not over it!  How are you not fucking over it by now?  You said 'first things first” and you started in on that fucking scholarship but that wasn't the first thing, was it? The first thing started with a game of Never Have I Ever. In your head, that's where it all went to hell.”

   “You used Shannon...” Jared shouted over her.  Jane just shouted back louder.

   “... to try to make you jealous.  I know.  I was there.  But it wasn't nearly that straightforward and it was a terrible mistake and I learned my lesson.  And I apologized. And he forgave me. And it should be water under the bridge by now.”

    Jared's tone completely changed.  No longer shouting, he sounded like a petulant child. “You never apologized to me.  Not really.”

  “What?” Jane asked in confusion.  “Yes, I did.  That night you came to see me at the diner, I said I was sorry. It was actually the very first thing I said.”

  “What you apologized for," Jared said pointedly,  "was hurting Shannon. You never apologized for breaking my heart.”

    I was afraid if either one them rolled their eyes any harder we were going to need an ophthalmologist.  God there had been a lot of eye rolling in the last five minutes.  Jane did it again.  “You didn't even like me that much.  Don't be such a drama queen.  I did not break  your heart.”

   “How do you know how I felt? Did you ever even ask?” Jared did that weird sliding thing with his jaw that he does when he is trying to keep control, and I realized Jane had hit the nail spot on.  He was, in no way, "over it'. “You sat there and you told me how sorry you were for how much you had hurt Shannon.  How wrong you were for thinking you wanted me in the first place.  How you'd pick him, how he was the one for you, how wonderful he was.  Not one word for me. It was like I didn't even exist for you anymore. Like I had no feelings at all, like none of that didn't hurt me."  He looked around the room for a minute before continuing, quietly; "Maybe you didn't exactly break my heart.  But I wanted to let you try.”    

   The silence that settled on the room at that point was so thick I could almost see it. I had never thought Jared had any real feelings for Jane, I always thought she was just another pretty girl in a crowd of many to him.  He never once said otherwise.  He always played so damn close to the vest with his real emotions, sometimes even I got them wrong.  I wish now I had been there that night that they met at the diner.  Maybe if I had seen how he reacted to all to her confessions I would have known.  I didn't know what to say now.  Thankfully Jane broke the silence.

   “I'm sorry Jared.  You're right," she said, her voice full of self-reproach.  "All I was thinking about at that point was Shannon.  If I had been a true friend to you I would have cared more about how you felt being caught up in the middle of all that.  I treated you very badly too.  Please accept my apology," she finished with so much sincerity I thought there was no way Jared could just brush it off.  When Jane was wrong Jane owned it.  But it was seven years after the fact and there was a lot of water under the bridge.  I didn't know if it was going to be enough.  I studied Jared carefully for his reaction. He sat down on the edge of the bed and folded his arms over his chest.

   “You were supposed to argue,” he pouted.  “I was just getting another good head of steam worked up.'

   Jane laughed and sat down on the floor in front of him..  I felt the first tendrils of relief creeping in.  I had thought from the beginning if I could just get them to talk we could get through this mess.  It looked like it was working.  “Will it make you feel better if you yell at me some more?” she asked.  

   “Did you dump that guy yet or are you just stringing my brother along again?” Jared was losing momentum but he still wasn't done.

   “No. I didn't think it was fair to break it off with him over the phone. I'll do it when I see him again after my tour wraps up.”

  Jared laughed, but it wasn't the amused sound that Jane had just made a few minutes earlier.  This laugh was dripping with sarcasm and bitterness. “Yeah, I'm sure he'll never suspect anything is up. String it out for a good month or two.  That'll be so much nicer.”

   “It will be fine.," Jane protested. "We don't get to talk much anyway.  I'd rather do it in person.”

    Jared did the jaw thing again.  I braced myself for the shouting to start again.  “Fuck, are you all so fucking afraid of confrontation you'll waste months of someone else's life with a lie?”

   Jane crinkled her brow at Jared for a moment and then her expression softened and fell.  “Oh, Jared. I'm so sorry.”

   Once again I was missing something.  “What? What's going on?”

   Jane looked at me.  “He got dumped, Shan.”

  Jared was staring at his feet, his eyes swimming.  Fuck.  I wondered how long he had known it was coming.  That certainly would explain the increasingly bad mood he had been in. It almost explained the way he seemed almost happy with my misery.  It was a little over the top but I guess if I was jilted and miserable too he wouldn't be so alone. “Bro, why the hell did you say anything.?”

   “I don't want to talk it about it,” he said sternly.  He gave me a pleading look.  “I'm not ready to talk about it right now.”

   “We don't have to talk about,” I told him.  “But I wish you'd let me know it happened.”

   “If you think this makes me feel sorry for Angus you're wrong," he said, quickly shifting the focus of the conversation. "Because fuck him.  He deserves whatever he gets.”

   Jane and I looked at each other in confusion.  “What do you have against Angus?” I asked.

  “First of all, I should ask why you don't have anything against him, after everything he's done to Jane.”

   “All of what?” Jane said but Jared continued his conversation with me.

   “You remember Carissa right?” Carissa was a girl Jared had dated right as we were getting the band together.  I remembered she dumped Jared without warning, and then the realization hit me like a brick.  She had dumped him for some Australian Playboy.  Fucking Angus. Had to be.

   “Oh shit," I said.  "I forgot about that. That was him?” Jared nodded.  “Jesus Christ, talk about a small fucking world.”

  “Hey!” Jane interjected.  “All of who did what to whom here? Someone fill me in right damn now!”

  Jared turned to Jane.  “You had to have been running around with him then.  Angus.  A redhead named Carissa.  Ring any bells?”

   Jane got a very strange look on her face.  “How do you know about Carissa?” Jared didn't respond, just waited for her to get there on her own.  “Oh fuck, that was you?”

   Now I realized I was missing something.  Jared was probably the only one that had the whole picture.  I spilled what I knew.  “Carissa was Jared's girlfriend back when the band was starting out.  She was cheating on him though, ended up running off to spend the ski season with some rich dude at a resort his family owned.”

   Jane sighed.  “Angus was the rich dude. His family didn't own that place though, they just had some investment share in it. Anyway, Carissa kept popping up everywhere we went for like months and giggling about how her boyfriend didn't suspect anything.  She was a real bitch. Angus invited her to stay with him at that Italian ski resort, he's always hanging out there in season, he loves that place.  I guess he got tired of her though, and the weekend I went up there he apparently had had enough of her shit, but couldn't convince her to leave. So he invited a few girls up to his suite.  Four of them. Had quite the little party and made damn sure Carissa walked in on it. She packed up and left that night.”

   “And came crying back to me,” Jared concluded.  “Of course I told her to keep on driving.”

   “So I would think you would applaud the guy,” Jane said.  “She got what was coming to her.”

   “At the time I did.  But then I found out he was who you were marrying and I started asking around.  This part I didn't get off a website Jane. I don't know why you think this guy has any feelings worth sparing but trust me, the first thing you need to do when you leave this room is call him and tell him it's over.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? Angus has been a good friend, he has always been there for me.”

   “Oh come on Jane, how stupid can you be?”  Jared shook his head.  “I'm sorry.  But really, let me ask you, what does Roger think about your engagement? He always seemed to be smart about people.”

   Jane made a funny face.  I had gotten the impression that she, Roger and Angus were all best of buddies, out to take on the world.  The look on her face immediately dispelled that notion.  “Jane?” I asked. “Doesn't Roger like Angus?”

   “He liked him just fine when we were all partying.  Not so much since we've been dating,” she confessed.  “He's just jealous, he thinks Angus is taking me away from him.”

  “That doesn't sound like Roger,” I observed.  “He was happy for you to be with me, it doesn't sound like he stood in the way with you and Jefferson either did  he?”

   “No, but I wasn't engaged to either of you.”

   “You didn't say he stopped liking Angus when you got engaged." I wondered sometimes if Jane actually thought her verbal diversions worked, or if her head really worked like this.  "When did it start Jane? What does he say?”

   Jane got up from her seat on the floor and started walking out.  “I don't want to do this.” I reached out and grabbed her hand and she stopped but didn't turn back around.

  “Fine, don't tell me anything,” Jared said, “but let me say this.  I got my information from Noemi Alberti.  She's known all three of you for years. I guess I should have asked her about something besides Angus. And I will.  I'll get the real picture and as long as it's what you say it is I'll apologize.  But until then, ask yourself when exactly it is that Angus started showing any interest in you beyond a fuck buddy? And where did all those drugs come from? And where is he right now? And what exactly does he get out of marrying you? Because it's not nothing.”

   “I said I'm breaking up with him, okay?" Jane said quietly. The defeat in her voice told me that she knew something was wrong too. This wasn't new information.  What the hell was going on with her? Why had she painted the picture she did? "Isn't that enough?”

  Jared wasn't done.  “No.  Don't be stupid Jane.  This morning I wouldn't have cared but I'm willing to admit I might have been wrong.” Jane started moving towards the door again.  “One more question.” She sighed and turned around to face him.

  “You're not saying anything Roger already hasn't Jared. Just let it go...”

   “I don't think Roger has pointed this out because none of you were even aware of it before now.  But Jane,” Jared said pointedly, getting up from the bed, “if that site was really put up by Lacey Addams and her people, where would she have gotten all that information?”

@msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @maliciousalishious @meghan12151977 @snewsome756

[redheadedcashew]

We Slip Away. (1/?)

Graduation was fast approaching and a few acceptance letters were currently lining the family dinning table. Amanda turned over slightly and stared at the digital clock on the bedside table and sighed, summer couldn’t come quick enough, she was done with the endless hours studying until it felt like her eyes were going to pop out. Kicking the blanket off she finally put her legs over the side of her bed and rubbed her eyes before slipping her glasses on and grabbing her phone, a text waiting for her.

“Ryan and Tom have practice, I’ll pick you up.” She sent Sarah back a quick reply saying she’d be ready in about half an hour. Grabbing a pair of jeans and a random t-shirt form her bedroom floor that passed the sniff test, she covered herself in some deodorant and grabbed her bag before heading downstairs. “Ma! We got any bread left?” she was hopping into her Vans when her mother flicked her with a tea towel, “did I raise you as a heathen!” Katherine’s Irish accent was still thick as ever and as much as she tried, her Catholic ways had never taken hold of her daughter. “Sorry Ma,” “And yes, we do have bread, already made you some toast. Grab it quickly, Sarah just pulled up.” A small beep sounded and Amanda kissed her ma’s cheek before putting the toast in her mouth, grabbing her bag and running out the door.

“You look like shit,” Sarah greeted her, reversing out of the driveway. “I know, had fucking nightmares of acceptance letter’s strangling me.” Her best friend laughed, “you decided yet?” “Nope. Ma is pushing me to go to Queen’s University Belfast, I had no idea she’d put an application in. She reckons it’d be a great experience for me and we have a shit tonne of family there.” “Ireland?! What’s ya dad say?” Amanda shrugged, “da ain’t dumb enough to argue with her. He just said it gives them an excuse to go home more often.”

As they pulled in to the school car park, she looked at Sarah, “so, where you off to? You said you’d tell me today.” She waited for Sarah to look at her and she tilted her head to the side as it all clicked into place, “holy shit, London Film School sent you the massive envelope didn’t they?!” Her grin ended up matching Sarah’s, “dude! That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!” “I gotta tell Ryan and I think I wanna go there single…” She nodded, following her friends thought process, “makes sense, he wants to stay close to home, you wanna explore the world. Besides, isn’t this when we’re supposed to have all these amazing experiences?” “Wow, way to support my relationship possibly ending.” “Hey, you know I don’t think high school sweethearts is a thing, you’re 18 for fucks sake, this one of many love’s you’re going to have.”

Lunchtime rolled around quickly and Amanda was the first one to reach the table they all sat at. She had a book open and was zoning out to the noise around her when someone dropped down beside her, “sup nerd?” shoving her right elbow out, she connected with ribs, “not much, faggot.” She looked to her right and smiled at Tom who was pretending her elbow had actually hurt him, “do not be damaging these goods!” “Well I guess it’s lucky you’ve already passed your medical then isn’t it?” Tom had already has his enlistment interview, he was shipping off to basic the Monday after graduation. “This is true, you coming to the grad party at Ryan’s, be the last time we’re all together for awhile.” She shrugged, “thinking about it, but frankly, getting plastered with the football team and its fan club isn’t very appealing.” His hand tapped her thigh as he chuckled, “you say that, but you always end up enjoying the parties. I mean, the last one we found you curled up in Jeremy’s cupboard. Moments later they were joined by Sarah and Ryan who were laughing about something she missed because he attention fell to the hand still resting on her thigh.

The fuck?

This was weird, because Tom was not the touchy feely kind of guy. Every girl he’d ever hooked up with learnt real quick that he wasn’t going to be holding your hand and carrying your bag down the hallway. Shit, usually he only had a quick fling with a cheerleader before he was bored. Choosing to ignore this odd behaviour, she tuned back into the conversation as Ryan directed a question at her, “oh um ma’s pushing me to Belfast,” the grip on her leg got slightly tighter, “you’re kidding?” Ryan asked, his arm around Sarah’s shoulders as she ate. “Yeah she thinks it’ll be good for me to live there for awhile. I haven’t decided, got a bit of time still.”

---

The days suddenly flew by and suddenly the four of them were getting into their graduation gowns. Their parents were all waiting to take photos and the four of them posed together, separately before the boys ran off to join the football team for whatever they had to do. “Jesus, it’s finally here.” Amanda nodded at Sarah, “you talk to Ryan?” Sarah nodded, “yeah, it fucking sucked, but he’s being an adult about it, we gonna part ways when I leave, both not ready to say goodbye just yet.” “Good on ya, and you never know, you may end up crossing paths again down the track.”

The two of them began to move towards where they needed to line up Amanda made a passing comment that had Sarah stop dead in her tracks, “excuse me? The fuck did you just say?” Amanda raised her eyebrow, “I said I’m going to get laid before I go to uni.” “Well that came outta no where, who is the lucky man? I mean I gave it up to Ryan because he was hot and he ain’t gonna get better than me.” The two to of them smirked, both knowing Sarah also had major feels for Ryan so that had helped her decision process. “Not so much lucky but I figured Tom would correct the situation for me.” “Tom? As in Tom? Man whore Tom?” Amanda nodded, “least it wont be shit and there’s no chance of feelings cause he’s leaving.” “Jesus Christ girl… does he even know?” “Not yet. But I doubt he’ll say no.” “I mean you could’ve picked worse, he’s easy on the eyes that’s for sure… don’t tell Ryan I said that.” Amanda laughed, “secrets safe with me.” “Oh this is so exciting! My little girl is growing up finally!”

Later that night Amanda was standing in front of her wardrobe looking at all the clothes in front of her, Marilyn Manson playing loudly in the background. Tom had agreed to pick her up to make sure she actually went to the party but he was still clueless to her plans. She knew Sarah would’ve clued Ryan in which would possibly work in her favour, Ryan was all about helping other’s get a bit of somethin’ somethin’. “Fuck it” she muttered pulling out a band t-shirt, jean shorts and her doc martens, she wasn’t going to try and impress these people now and Tom had seen her looking much worse and he’d fucked much, much worse. Her hair was a long, red mess but that was nothing new. She let out a long sigh before she took her glasses off and left them on her bedside table, they’d only end up broken by the time the party was over.

A car horn sounded and she looked outside her bedroom window, seeing Tom’s car in the driveway. Was that the time already? Shit, she really had to stop getting caught up in her head. She shoved her phone in her back pocket as well as her house key and headed downstairs calling goodbye to her parents but not stopping to receive the lecture her ma had prepared for this occasion. “Finally, thought you’d got fucking lost.” “Thought I’d make you wait, anticipation is key. Come on, I’m sure Ryan’s got something special for the occasion.”

---

Tom was standing out in Ryan’s backyard with a bunch of the other guys from the team with a beer in his hand. This was going to be the last time he partied with this crowd. The last time he got drunk at a fucking high school party and blown by a stupid cheerleader who most likely had no future beyond this fucking small town. In two days time he was getting on the bus to basic training, leaving this place and his colourful reputation behind him.

He turned as he felt a tap on his shoulder and followed his best mate away from the group of guys, “here,” Ryan passed him a freshly lit joint, “something special for tonight, be outta your system by the time you leave.” Excellent. “So, I was told to keep my mouth closed, but you know me, I’m a helper.” Tom raised his eyebrow in suspicion as he took a generous pull of the joint, “oh yeah?” Ryan nodded, “a little birdie told me that you may just get to pop a v-card tonight, you know, something you haven’t done in awhile.” Tom laughed, “the fuck you on about? Aint no virgins left in…” he didn’t get to finish his sentence as his brain ticked over all the girls he knew. “Fuck off mate, you’re full of shit.” Ryan laughed, before lighting up a cigarette, “I have a very, very reliable source my good friend.”

Tom looked towards the girl in question, who was leaning on the porch railing drinking a shitty beer and laughing at something Sarah had said. “Come on dude, we been friends for way too long.” “So?” Ryan countered, taking the joint from Tom for a moment before handing it back and putting the cigarette back to his lips, “no one wants to run off to college a virgin dude. And she’s very aware of your reputation.” Ryan couldn’t stop his laugh during the last part of his sentence. Tom pondered this information a moment and smirked, friend or not, he couldn’t deny that it’d nice to sleep with a red head before he left.

As the night worse on, the music got louder and the party got more intoxicated. No one would call the police though; this small town knew exactly what was going on. Tom spent his time almost stalking after Amanda, wanting to see if he could catch any kind of hint that Ryan had been right. There was no way to tell and she hadn’t come up to him at all, they hadn’t spoken since he’d picked her up. But a moment of opportunity presented itself when she separated from Sarah to sneak off to the bathroom upstairs and Ryan took Sarah off for some alone time. Tom followed into the bedroom and shut the door behind him, flicking the lock.

He leant against the bedroom door, arms crossed over his chest. He couldn’t control the sudden excitement he felt. He’d never really thought of her in a sexual sense, but the more he toyed with the idea, the more he was keen on it. The bathroom door opened and out she walked, jumping in surprise as she saw him. “Jesus you scared me, the fuck you follow me for?” He could tell she’d had a bit to drink, she swayed slightly and her eyes were heavier than usual, her hair more messy than usual from her running her hands through it.

He didn’t say anything, just pushed himself off the door and closed the gap between them. She blinked a few times, just watching him and he noticed the subtle change in her breathing as his hands grabbed her hips. “What-“ he used his lips to silence her, holding her steady as she almost lost her balance, her hands gripping his upper arms but she surprised him by kissing back, eagerly. He moved one hand up her back to the back of her neck where he could grip some of her hair keeping her to him. The kiss deepened and suddenly he felt hungry for her, all these unfamiliar feelings coursing through him. He heard her moan softly in her throat and his confidence shook slightly as his senses were filled with only her.

This hadn’t happened to him before.

Trying to remain the stud he was, he moved them back the few steps to the bed, smirking as she laughed as they landed on it but he quickly moved over her, their lips connecting again, her eagerness to kiss him was rising a need in him he couldn’t remember feeling before with someone, and he’d had a fair amount of experience. His head dropped to her shoulder as she undid his pants and her hand slipped into his boxers, a little shaky at first, “little tighter” he groaned as her hand wrapped around him and began moving. Had she done this before? Cause it felt fucking amazing.

His hand was up her shirt a second later, cupping her breast while he kissed her neck. Her hand came out of his boxers and then their hips were grinding together and Tom had to think of anything else to stop himself from finishing then and there. Unfortunately a loud banging on the door bought the two of them out of their heated moment. “Amanda! Your da is here!”  And just like that, the moment was lost and she was moving herself from underneath him, trying to straighten herself up, “fuck me,” she muttered, without a look back she left the room.

Tom fell onto the bed, facing the ceiling trying to will his boner away. He ran his hands over his face. The fuck was that about? He could smell her deodorant on him, he couldn’t shake her. He got off the bed adjusted himself and did his pants up before leaving the room, his hand running through his hair. As he got the bottom of the stairs, he ran into Ryan who had an expectant look on his face and a shit eating grin, Tom simply shook his head with a shrug before going in search of beer. This night was fucking strange.

---

Beware by Deftones was blaring through her stereo as she lay on her bed the next night; she hadn’t stopped thinking about what had almost happened. Every spare moment she was daydreaming about Tom’s hands all fucking over her. Her parents had been pissed off that she hadn’t been home by curfew and had dragged her away before she’d gotten to know if the rumours about Tom were true. They’d certainly felt true.  The hours ticked away until she sat bolt upright on her bed.

No. She had a plan and she was going to stick to the fucking plan!

She pulled on a clean t-shirt and a clean pair of grey trackies before slipping into a pair of vans. She jogged downstairs, “be back soon!” she yelled, again not waiting for a reply, knowing her parents would be distracted with some random movie playing on TV that night. She couldn’t tell if she was feeling something else towards Tom or if she just wanted to finally cross this off her list before she entered the adult world. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter.

Stopping outside of his family’s home she took a deep breath before walking up the steps. There were no cars in the driveway, just Tom’s parked on the lawn so she knocked but there was no answer. She could hear the faint thump of music so she just tried the handle, surprised to find it unlocked. That wouldn’t happen in her household. Shutting the door behind her she walked the path to Tom’s room where the music was coming from. The door had been left open slightly and she could see Tom sitting on the side of his bed, shirt off looking at something she couldn’t see.

Taking a step forward she went to push open the door but another person appearing stopped her dead in her tracks. Amy fucking Smith was suddenly straddling Tom’s lap in all her naked glory. Amanda tore her eyes away from the scene unfolding and tried to quietly exit the house but as she got closer tot eh front door, she tripped and fell. “Fuck,” she cursed, getting up quickly and high tailing it outta there and running until she could no longer see his street.

What the fuck?! Why was there an ache in her chest? She didn’t like him in that way. It was just shock, yeah, just the shock of almost seeing him fuck somebody. She ran the rest of the way home, trying to burn away this odd feeling and when she threw open the front door her parents starred at her confused, their daughter never fucking ran, “I’m going to Belfast, give me the acceptance letter, I’m leaving!”

Unknown to her, Tom had seen her bolt from his house. Soon as he’d heard the bang in the hallway he’d moved Amy off him ready to hit an intruder but there was no mistaking the red hair running away from his house. For the first time in his young life, Tom cursed himself.

[medicalmarijuana-news]

Onward Christian Stoners

In the words of the late, great comic Bill Hicks: “To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake.” These days, legalization and the Internet are bringing Christians and cannabis together.

On a Wednesday evening in a quiet Denver suburb, a small group of Christians are beginning their weekly Bible study. Prayers are spoken with heads bowed, songs of praise are sung to the heavens, followed by a heavy discussion about the Book of Job.

At first glance, it looks just like any of the other countless Bible studies happening in suburban homes all over the country. The one anomaly is that every God-fearing soul who showed up tonight is getting thoroughly stoned.

Relaxing on the back patio of this upscale home, the participants pass joints and bongs around the circle, along with Bibles for people who forgot to bring theirs. A summer breeze blows through the dozen half-grown cannabis plants that surround us, bolstering the overwhelming funk of ganja emanating from the circle. The red-eyed pastor guides everyone through the Book of Job, which sparks a conversation about how marijuana can serve as a conduit for spiritual experiences.

“In Job’s time, he could speak directly with God, but we can’t do that today,” says Deb Button, whose home is serving as the gathering place for tonight’s Stoner Jesus Bible Study. “I believe that consuming cannabis brings me closer to Jesus. It gives me that sense of awe, the spiritual experience I was always looking for in church.”

A middle-aged mother of two who curses more than any evangelical Christian alive, Button has transformed her home into a social space for Christian potheads (as well as a Bud & Breakfast), despite having tried marijuana for the first time only 18 months ago.

Since she began advertising the group on Craigslist and MeetUp, Button has been inundated with daily messages from Christians all over the world and from many different backgrounds, excited to find other followers of both Kush and Christ.

“There’s a lot of people out there who feel isolated as Christian pot smokers,” says Button, who sees no conflict in identifying as both an evangelical conservative and a pot smoker. “There are a lot of conservatives out there who smoke pot.”

Button believes that the traditional 420 stoner stereotype doesn’t begin to capture the variety of people who consume cannabis, a notion that’s reflected in the diverse makeup of the people attending her Bible study. There are so many ages, races, classes, cultures and genders in this group, it looks like an ACLU ad for diversity. Many of these people have been consuming cannabis and reading the Bible their entire adult lives, but had never met others who did likewise.

An elderly white woman passes her vape pen to a college-age black girl as they discuss how much they appreciate God’s creation of the trees, mountains and sky. Before legalization—and the Internet— it would have been difficult to imagine these two even crossing paths, let alone engaging in passionate conversation about a shared interest.

“Last year, it was hard for me, as a Christian, to come out as a pot smoker,” Button says. “But I think it’s becoming less taboo.”

Marijuana: Sin or Spiritual Tool?

From a certain perspective, it might appear that Christians are beginning to warm up to marijuana. In 2012, iconic televangelist (and two-time presidential candidate) Pat Robertson said: “I believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol.” Around the same time, so-called “cannabis churches” began popping up all over the country. And in the last year, the Sisters of the Valley have become media darlings for their nuns-who-smoke-pot activism.

But look a little more closely, and this picture is not what it seems. Robertson would go on to retract his endorsement of pot; most cannabis churches have nothing to do with Christianity; and the Sisters of the Valley are not Catholics but Wiccan priestesses.

In fact, studies show that while a majority of Americans (58 percent) are increasingly in favor of marijuana legalization, the demographic pulling that number down is evangelical Christians, only 29 percent of whom, according to a Public Religion Research Institute study, support legalization. Other Christian groups hover in the 40s—far below the national average.

This wasn’t always the case, says Dr. Carl Raschke, professor of religious studies at the University of Denver. He doesn’t believe there’s a scriptural precedent for banning marijuana. Unlike booze or certain sexual practices, the Bible doesn’t mention pot, in part because it wasn’t very common in that time and place, but also because, as Raschke explains: “In ancient Judea and Christianity, the focus wasn’t on the substance itself, but how it was used. This legalistic approach of forbidding some substances was a late development. It’s not an ethical issue but a legal one. In America, we’ve decided marijuana should be a Schedule I drug for whatever reason, but we didn’t have those reasons before the 1930s.”

In the past, inquisitive young Christians who asked their parents why God forbids marijuana use were typically pointed toward its illegality, along with several Bible verses instructing them to obey the laws of man. But once marijuana laws began changing in 2012, additional arguments were needed to condemn pot.

Since then, several tech-savvy young pastors have written blog posts with some variation of the headline “Is Marijuana Use a Sin?” (Presumably because this was a popular Google search among their followers.) The vast majority of these Christian bloggers are anti-pot, and they typically cite Bible verses condemning intoxication and the defilement of our bodies, basically revamping the antiquated arguments that Christians made during the anti-alcohol temperance movement of the early 20th century.

But what if you believe that marijuana isn’t an intoxicant, but a spiritual tool?

For nearly a century, Rastafarians have used marijuana as a ritualistic sacrament. And they have their own Bible verses to cite when defending cannabis as holy, such as Revelation 22:2, which refers to the Tree of Life bearing leaves “for the healing of all nations.”

Similarly, David Simpson, a Texas state representative and evangelical Republican, made headlines last year when he offered a Christian argument for legalization by citing 1 Timothy 4:4 (“Everything God created is good”) in an interview with the Daily Beast.

There are also Christians who believe that the holy anointing oil mentioned in the Bible was made from cannabis, and even that Jesus used the herb to perform his healing miracles, though these are far from mainstream beliefs.

For the most part, marijuana has been so taboo among modern Christians that those who use it have, until recently, done so in secret, alone and often with no small amount of shame. And as with gays and lesbians, we’re now finding out that tokers have existed in churches around the country this whole time.

Bible Beatniks and Cannabigotry

It’s an often-overlooked piece of pop-culture history, but throughout the 1970s, many burned-out hippies in California were converting to Christianity in what became known as the Jesus Movement. Kris Kristofferson, Bob Dylan and Barry McGuire were all devoted converts. Even John Lennon toyed with the idea.

This culture kept the hippie clothes and music, but rejected hard drugs in favor of clean living. Grass fell into an unspoken gray area.

Did people in the Jesus Movement smoke dope?

“Definitely,” says Professor Raschke, who was a student at UC Berkeley at the time. “It was illegal, so people didn’t talk about it, but most people had a benign attitude about it.”

This movement of Bible beatniks soon spread across the nation, ironically laying the groundwork for what would become the Christian right of the 1980s, a political force that wholeheartedly embraced Ronald Reagan’s escalation of the War on Drugs. Throughout the 1980s and ’90s, any Charlie Churchgoer who required cannabis for medicinal reasons (or simply liked to get high and watch The Cosby Show) was forced into the closet with a towel under the door. For anyone who’s experienced a moment of paranoia while high under awkward circumstances, life was like that all the time for Christian stoners in the late 20th century (not to mention the difficulties of finding a reliable dealer when your entire social circle comes from the church).

“I was constantly worried about smelling like pot or having red eyes,” remembers Greg Giesbrecht, the red-eyed pastor from Stoner Jesus.

A decidedly normal-looking, silver-haired white dude clad in a polo shirt and jeans, Giesbrecht seems like he’d fit in better at an insurance convention than a 420 rally. But he’s an old-school, born-again bong-ripper who knows what it takes to keep his medication a secret.

Growing up in Fountain Valley, California, Giesbrecht was exposed to marijuana from a young age, smoking a joint with his older brother for the first time in 1975. It didn’t become a regular part of his life until he moved to Denver in the 1980s, when he fell down the steps of the Capitol building while delivering a copier. The injury got him hooked on opiates, before friends recommended that he try switching to cannabis.

It has since become an essential component of his life, though before he met Deb Button and the Stoner Jesus group, Giesbrecht rarely let anyone in on his little secret—especially not anyone who knew him from church. “I was honest with my family—my children always knew it as my medicine,” he says. “But I had to be careful who I let into that circle. Almost none of my friends knew.”

Until earlier this year, Giesbrecht was volunteering and playing guitar for a large church in Colorado (which he doesn’t wish to name). By this time, marijuana was legal in the state, and he was beginning to be somewhat more open about his medication. This led him to join the Stoner Jesus Bible Study, where, for the first time, he discovered that he wasn’t the only one who saw no conflict between God and ganja.

Still, a local news outlet filmed a story about Stoner Jesus featuring Giesbrecht and others sharing a large joint while praising God, and he was quickly reminded that mainstream Christians still weren’t ready to accept a cannabis congregation. “After the story aired, I got a call from one of the pastors, and he said, ‘You’re not the type of people we want in leadership here,’” Giesbrecht recalls. “And then everyone turned their backs on us.”

Button also knows something about cannabigotry on the part of Christians. The avalanche of support she received from Christian tokers online after forming Stoner Jesus was equaled by the amount of hate she received from mainstream believers, who harassed her via blogs, social media, e-mails and phone calls.

“There were some disturbing comments on my Facebook page—people calling me a heretic, saying that I’m going to hell, very vitriolic,” she recalls. “One was a very graphic death threat putting a $10,000 bounty on my head. After that, I shut down the website and tried to scrub my phone number and address from the Internet.”

Button has since relaunched the website, but she’s careful about whom she provides with her home address. While her online haters are now confined to a computer screen, she still has to contend with the disapproving eyes of her fellow suburbanites.

“My neighbors told me how fearful they are now that they can’t keep their doors unlocked anymore,” she says. “And I’m like, ‘It’s a freakin’ Bible study!’ I think they don’t like the look of the people who come here—it’s a very diverse crowd. They take pictures of everyone who comes and goes.”

Button is very protective of the community she’s created with Stoner Jesus. Like Giesbrecht, she was forced to abandon the social network she’d formed at church when she decided to go public about her marijuana use—though, unlike him, she’d never even tried marijuana before 2015.

Before that, Button fit the profile of the red-blooded, all-American, strongly conservative soccer mom. Despite being a lifelong Christian who raised her two sons in an evangelical church, Button says she’d lived her whole life without ever experiencing the emotional stir of God’s presence that her peers seemed to have every Sunday. “I was very lonely in my faith,” she confides.

Feeling increasingly disconnected from the people at her church, Button longed for a spiritual community she could relate to. Around the same time that she began drifting away from the church, Button and her husband divorced, sending her into a spiral of depression and migraines. To help with her headaches, Button’s friend recommended that she try a cannabis edible. In the past, Button might have declined, but with her life turned upside down, she was willing to try anything.

“It was like a reawakening,” Button recalls of her first cannabis experience. “It focused me in the moment, and my worry started to disappear. All that mattered was the love I was feeling right then. It gave me a sense of awe and wonder for God’s creation—the feeling that everyone said I should feel in church. Suddenly, I felt betrayed by the church.”

Button was amazed at the spiritual power of cannabis, and she soon began centering her life around the experience. If she hadn’t been living in the banner state of legalization in the age of the Internet, Deb Button might have been damned to the life of isolation that befalls most Christian stoners. But all it really took was a couple of posts on MeetUp and Craigslist, and suddenly she had the community of spiritual seekers she’d always wanted—right in her own living room!

It’s important to Button that Stoner Jesus never takes on the trappings of a church service. Instead, it remains an informal social hour where Christians can discuss the Bible while enjoying the lift of a good toke.

“There’s nothing about church in the Bible,” Button says. “I think, for a lot of people, it’s outlived its purpose. I never felt anything praying in church. But praying with a friend in the backyard—that’s personal.”

Button adds that if politics enters the conversation, she has an easier time talking things through with a group of stoners than she would have with anyone in church. When she told the group of her plans to vote for Donald Trump, a few of them rolled their eyes (the racial and gender makeup of the group certainly doesn’t match that of a Trump rally), but that’s about as vitriolic as things get.

The two intersecting circles that make up the Stoner Jesus Venn diagram—religion and weed—can splinter off into many opposing views. Catholics, Mormons, Baptists and folks from several other denominations are often in attendance, and not all of them consume marijuana with the same intent. Many are recreational users, but Geisbrecht only uses pot medicinally. He says that he doesn’t experience the same supernatural high that Button does. But Button explains that her recreational and spiritual highs are very different experiences, like the difference between sacramental wine and a shot of tequila.

Whether or not their cannabis use is integral to their spirituality, the fact that the members of Stoner Jesus can discuss these different approaches and experiences in public, with people who might be strangers, in a place of scripture and prayer, represents an opportunity to unearth what many Christian stoners have been doing in private for decades. And this can only lead others like them, living in more repressive, non-legalized Christian communities, to reject the shame and isolation handed to them by church leaders, and begin to proudly identify as tokers for Christ.

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from Medical Marijuana News http://ift.tt/2iY3pA5 via https://www.potbox.com/