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clevercatchphrase · 2 months ago

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2024 Year in Review~

Getting a head start and typing this on December 26th at 3pm, though I don't think I'll get it done on this same day. I'll probably get it up exactly on January 1st, though.

This is the sixth time I've made one of these retrospectives of my year. these are mostly just for me, talking to myself so I can look back at it later in the year. These recap posts always end up extremely long, and never get a lot of notes, but that's fine~ You're welcome to take a peak into my thoughts and read along if you'd like. I'll mostly be talking about the goals I set for myself, what I achieved, what I failed, and thoughts and feelings I had throughout the year.

Let's begin...

As always, I'll start with my New Year's Resolutions for 2024. this year I had 9 serious goals and 4 casual goals. The serious goals being;

Read twelve new books (one book a month)

Reach 312 pages of Ghost Switch by June 18th (the 6th birthday)

Build (and maintain!) a comic buffer of 8 pages

Go walking on 3 new greenways around my neighborhood

Go camping by myself

Make at least one new song comic

Finish 4 video games to as close to 100% as I can

Finish the first rewrite of my 2023 nanoproject, and

Write 4 one-shots for BSapT

The 4 causal goals were;

10. Get reacquainted with Neocities and make a personal website

11. Learn to code to improve said website/learn to make games

12.Listen to the entire royalty free youtube library for reasons

13. Research every d.o.n.g. ever featured on VSauce, for neocities reasons.

13 goals in total. Let's dive into them one at a time in the order of appearance.

Read twelve new books a month. I did this! I actually did double and read 27(OR, you could argue I did QUADRUPLE because I bought and reread the entire 27 volume set of Fullmetal Alchemist this year in October). I am mostly going to copy and paste the discord entry I made for the notes on each book, so please pardon typos. It was mostly stream of consciousness. The books I read this year were; 1) Whitefoot the woodmouse. Cute, average. Very similar to the johnny chuck book with the main character starting a family. I think this is the first t.w.b. book where a character used the word "idiot". I liked the short section with the rabbit, snowy owl and ermine the best.

2)The adventures of Benny Badger. Fine~ feels like an older book with the inclusion of a Mr. Fox character, no poems at the beginning of each chapter, and no hint of the next book at the end of the story. Almost thought the mouse at the end of this one would be eaten, but Thornton continues to stay pg for this series.

3)Dire: Feathers and Flame Fine. Needs more world building. Quite a few grammar mistakes. Griffin society doesn't make sense, and it feels like the characters are set up to fail. Bad names. Eural sounds like 'urinal' in my head.

4)Griffin QuestWritten by a 16 year old and it shows. Very short and very rushed. No grammar or spelling mistakes, but characters have little to no development/form relationships to quickly without any true connection shown.

5)The FifthOkay! Solid for a debut. Too many characters honestly, and some don't get enough development because of it. This world is too trusting. Polara was never challenged enough. Confusing that "dragon" is used as a catch-all term for people, and actual dragons are called drakes/wingless drakes. I don’t like the phrase “wingless drakes,” honestly. It makes them feel… lesser? Othered? Compared to the drakes with wings. It’s as if saying “having wings is the default, therefore, they are “normal” drakes, and we have to specify that you’re different.” If it was Winged Drakes AND Wingless Drakes, (both having the descriptor), this wouldn’t be a problem. Think of it like… the humans and the black humans. Why you gotta specify, right? Makes it sound like they don’t belong.

6)The adventures of Unc'a Billy Possum Pretty good! I like the different speech patterns used for billy possum. Gives billy possum a very distinct character compared to all the other animals.

7)The adventures of bob WhiteEasy going~ I feel all Thornton books are actually about 2 characters instead of just The one mentioned in the title. Peter rabbit showed up a good amount in this book, and then, like, the last 3 chapters switched to one of bob white's sons instead. Still a good book over all~

8)The adventures of Old Man CoyoteAn… Interesting one of Thornton's to be sure. Younger me would have spent days sorting out my feelings on this one without being sure why, but older me knows the true heart of the problem. I was not sure if this was an immigrant's story or a colonizer's. Thornton does a great job of balancing both ideas. Coyote is a predator and unashamed of it. He's crafty and sly. All the current residents of the green forest are wary and afraid of him and rightfully so because he will eat them with no hesitation. The other predators (granny and teddy fox) do not want him their because he competes for their resources. Their worries are justified. At the same time, he is just one coyote. He is an animal filling an unoccupied niche. He must eat to live and hunt to eat. That is not his fault he was made that way. Are the foxes merely being greedy and xenophobic? In the end, coyote stays and the status quo changes, but the current residents aren't subjugated. They dimply must learn to live with this new predator. A shaky kind of peace is formed between some of the forest people and coyote, like that between the porcupine and peter rabbit, but I know from Thornton's previous books that that peace only lasts as long as stomachs are full.

9)The Adventures of Prickly PorkyRather short? This book would have bothered me for accuracy reasons if I had read it as a kid. On the whole, Thornton's books to not anthropomorphize to a wild degree. But there were two instances in this book that stuck out to me. One was when prickly porky was choking and un'ca billy possum reached in his mouth and pulled the stick out of his throat. The other was insinuating that porcupines curl up and roll down hills as a method of travel. The latter became the focus of a good half of the book, too, and it kind of annoyed me by the end because nothing else creative was happening in the story.Just remembered a third thing that bothered me about prickly porky's book! There's a continuity contradiction! In old man coyote's book, he was a new comer meeting all the other characters for the first time, including prickly porky, who was written to sound like an established resident. But In porky's book, HE was the newcomer from the north meeting all the characters for the first time, including coyote, who was written to sound like an established resident. Which came first?? They cant both be the new guy while other has lived there their whole life. (According to Wikipedia, porky came first and coyote literally second as that's the order the books were published, back to back, but I think I like the idea of porky being there before coyote.

10)Griffin Quest 2Shallow and simple as the first. The reveal that both sora and draven are related to Helios and selene felt contrived. The whole concept of a city surrounded in flames didn't feel thought out. At least in the first book they mentioned the struggle the gryphons were going through just to get water and sleep in eternal day, but after helios takes over, are those not problems anymore? How is everyone not starving or dying of thirst? How is everyone BREATHING? doesn't fire burn oxygen? Or is it a magic fire that's just hot and doesn't actually produce smoke? Does ariana have ice powers too since she's also related to selene? Mel's character was dumb. Was he a gryph from another kingdom or just highborn? If the first one, then how the hell did he and draven go to school together? What was up with the blind spirit gryph in this book? She was never mentioned before, just showed up with some deus ex Machina, then fucked off. This book has no depth, no meaningful message and no compelling themes. Everything is so rushed and surface level. It's actually kind of fascinating how bad it was.

11)The Adventures of Danny Meadow MouseActually kinda forgettable? Not bad, but ive read better. Cant really remember much of it, even though I finished it less than a month ago. The use of fully voiced cast for each of the characters was actually more distracting than immersive.

12) Old Mother West WindFun! A short story collection. Very gentle and kind. Predators were even friends with the prey in this book, which was a nice change of pace.

13) Griffin in Light First 1/3rd was good, 2 third was a slog, final third felt like a retread of The Silver Griffin. I will read the second book when it comes out, though. I love all the fantasy races that lackey comes up with.

14) Hunters UnluckyFound this book by typing "xenofiction" into the Amazon search bar then looked it up on a book pirate website. It was pretty good! I'll probably buy the ebook to support the author. It's very long. Over 200k words, I believe. The first 10 or so chapters of the first "book" were very short and exposition-y and I did not like it at all, but it got better and less info-dumpy as it went along. Interesting creature creations, though an omnivorous ungulate that can climb trees feels a liiitle too improbable sometimes, and the cresea just felt like lions/pumas. The world building was fun if not a little too socio-political at times. Got a little confusing since these creative's social structures were so different from our own. Books 2 ad 3 were the best. Book 4 was probably the worst. Book 5 dragged with its sudden new pop up villain of treace, and then with the lishtees. But I'd like to read more stories from this world. Apparently has a small, active fandom on tumblr to this day!

15) Mother West Wind's Animal Friends StoriesBehold! The first Thornton w Burgess book I didn't like! I really did not care for the first 2/3rds of this book. It feels like a collection of his earliest stories where all the characters are way more human than normal. They talk about the animals wearing clothes in a very literal way, the characters used tools like baskets, which just pulled me out. The last couple of stories were fine, but I cant recommend this one as highly as the others.

16-26) Arc's 2 and 3 of Wings of Firereread the second and third arcs of wings of fire again (this time in audio book form) the second arc is just so slow?? I forgot how much time was spent in the school in moon rising (aka the whole book). I forgot how annoying winter was. Escaping peril still remains my fave of this arc. Turtle’s book was also growing on me this reread, but qibli's book was just so unnecessarily long that it hurts. The third arc (which I'm still in the process of listening to, but will def finish before the year ends) still holds up in books 1 and 2. I remember liking 2 the most for all the imagery (and 1 as well. Fun new places, even if I don't care all that much for push over blue) but the 3rd book is pretty sluggish. Sundew has so much pent up anger with no real outlet for it, and its starting to get annoying. Bumblebee is not cute. She is annoying, too, and while I'm all for gay relationships, I just do not like willow as a character. She does not support sundew enough or take her side as much as she should. She's too passive and complacent.Book 14- better than I remember! I think I even like it more than sundew's book. Book 15- just as bad as I remember. Pointlessly long like book 10, and the whole mindspace location is still just as confusing and nonsensical as I remember. I do not like freedom. She's not tragic, she's annoying, but at least less annoying than bumblebee.

27) Dragonfall I bought this book at the Barnes and noble grand opening. Interesting narrative style with first person direct, first person (regular) and third person. Sometimes I felt emotional or logical transitions were missing. Like, "I thought this character felt one way, but now we're doing something that contradicts it." Like…. Everen was excited to chase a prophecy and willingly jumps into a magic storm, but once he's in the human world he's mad that he was pulled through?? Like?? He knew the storm would take him there and he went on purpose, so why is he upset?? I like that arcady is a genderfluid protagonist (though the only reason I think Everen used 'you' pronouns for them was so the author didn't have to say "they") didn't realize this was a heist + enemies to lovers book. Didn't really care for the romance. Probably will not buy book 2. 3 stars from me.

28) Impossible creatures.Saw this one at the b&n grand opening as well, and glad I didn't get it. Too fast paced. Definitely for younger readers. Character personalities were a bit thin and shallow. Kinda just an over all sad book. 2 major characters die. A little too rushed. Not very deep or thought provoking. Nothing ever felt "dangerous". But the illustrations in the book? Fucking beautiful. 10 outa 10 for the artist.

Overall, a good year for reading! Griffin Ranger 4 came out this year, and I bought it as soon as I could, but I am still waiting patiently for 2025 to come around so I can read both books 3 and 4 of that series and have it count for next year’s reading list. Shadow Sun, the sequel to Rise of the Dragon Star, also came out in the second half of this year, and I will definitely be looking into that one as well! I think The sequel to The Fifth also came out this year? I have to double check. Great year for griffin book publications that will really help me hit my goal for 2025.

Goal Number 2! Reach 312 pages of Ghost Switch by June 18th! (Ghost Switch's 6th birthday) I did this one with relative ease! Great year for Ghost Switch over all, imo. We hit the half way point, we're chuggin' along through waterfall, and I got the majority of the comic mirrored to Pillowfort.social, as a back up in case tumblr goes down in flames. In fact, because I want pillowfort to succeed, I'm going to try and have pages be one week ahead over there to help drive traffic to the site. (patreon will thus be 2 weeks ahead). I'm also looking into comicfury to host Ghost Switch, but I may hold off on that until the comic is almost done. Having it update on 4 sites (patreon, tumblr, pillowfort and DA) is a lot to maintain already. I know I also thought about crossposting to webtoons as well, but I heard a lot of shitty things about webtoons this year, and I don't think I want to any more. (not like they'd make this comic an original anyway since it's not my IP, but I don't want to give them any more traffic if they don't start treating their creators fairly) So yeah! Go check out pillowfort if you aren't there already! It's free! It's small and a little quiet, but I believe it has the potential to grow and be like tumblr of old~

Goal 3; Build and maintain a comic buffer of 8 pages. Nope. Didn't do this. I got waaay too burnt out by september and could barely manage one page a week. whenever I make a buffer, it always ends up running out. The only way I could keep up a buffer at this point is if I make the comic in its entirety before I even post it.

Goal 4; go walking on 3 new greenways around my neighborhood. I didn't go walking once this year, aside from when I camped. I don't even know why I put this one on the list. As if I thought I would actually go outside on my own accord.

Goal 5; go camping by myself. I did this for the eclipse in april and it was wonderful. I should do this every year. you can read more thoughts I had about my camping trip further below.

6) Make one new song comic. I had planned to do this. I honestly thought I WOULD do this one, since I have a good track record of making one song comic at least every two years. I had even had this one planned for at least 4. It was going to be be a chara-centric comic to the song "It's Only" by Odesza, for Undertale's ninth birthday. I was going to try something new for this comic by using a limited color palette of 4 colors, those being solid black, pure white, determination yellow, and soul red. I thought it would have looked cool. I scripted the whole thing, but then... as the deadline got closer and closer, I just... didn't have the heart to do it anymore. I don't know why. When I opened up SAI t start drawing, I just... suddenly had no more drive. I'm kinda glad I didn't do it in the end. It was going to be a bit more of an edgy/dark lyrictale focusing on the no mercy route, but after we got some asriel/chara lore on the ninth birthday, I'm glad I didn't make it. if anybody else wants to make a limited color palette, chara focused lyrictale to the song "It's Only" by odesza, be my guest. I would love to see how it comes out~

7) Finish 4 video games (as close to 100% as I can.) I did this~ The games I played and completed this year were; Horizon Forbidden West, The Talos Principle 2, Original Pokemon Silver, and Carto. I had a lot of fun with all of them, even if I never 100% any of them, I did play them to completion. (I never fully got the hand of Carto's controls, though. Adorable game, terrible control scheme.)

8) Finish the rewrite of Featherlight's Sequel. I did not do this. I mostly focused on Featherlight instead. Made a lot of progress and even got half of it posted on line! (on pillowfort, where you need to log in to read it, but again, Pillowfort is free! Come check out my story if you like xenofiction and gryphons!) After working on Featherlight for most of november, I think I just need to do a major overhaul of the sequel, Greyscale, from the ground up. Even though I had forced out 50k words for it in 2023, it just wasn't working, honestly.

my last serious goal for 2024 was to write 4 oneshots for Blankets, Socks, and Pillow Talk, over on ao3. I didn't do this this year because I just didn't feel inspired. I don't feel "done" with writing Undertale fanficion, not by a long shot, but I don't want to force it out if I don't feel inspired. Writing is hard, I know that from experience, but trying to write when I'm just not in the mood is even worse. I still have ideas and prompts for BSaPT that I've had for years, but I just don't know how to go about executing. (I can promise you, though, once I know how to get the story started, the rest comes easily, so it's just the problem of getting over the initial hump)

So! 4 out of 9 of my serious goals were met this year! That's!!! not a good ratio. I had 4 additional casual goals, and just re-reading them I know I only did 2 of those four, those being "learn to code" and research every D.O.N.G. collected by Vsauce in the past. The reason I did both of these things WAS to work on my Neocities website that I made in 2023, and haven't touched since. I've been doing coding lessons on Sololearn and Mimo coding, (though I had to stop the latter after a couple months when I ran out of free lessons to do). It's been fun brushing up on my old html skills, and learning python for gaming reasons as well. I've made a couple of my goals for next year related to my neocities website, so let's see if I actually put those coding lessons to work!

So! in total, over all, 13 goals were made and six were met! That's about 50 percent, but that's usually what my record tracks to compared to past years! Now on to next year!

My Goals for 2025 are;

Read 12 new books (one a month)

Work on neocities website. (add at least 4 new pages; my song comics, my fan fics, my original writing, fun links)

Get to 400 pages on gs before Dec. 31st (CASUAL GOAL)

Write one fan fiction for one fandom that isn't undertale (Wandersong, fma, wof, the crackfic)

Watch 4 new anime (dungeon mesh, mha, hunter x hunter, mob psycho)

Start and stick to an abs and back exercise routine (CASUAL GOAL)

Get all of Featherlight up online (royal road?)

Do something for undertale's 10th anniversary

Play at least 4 video games in my steam library that I haven't touched before.

Start experimenting with Ren'Py and Godot (CASUAL GOAL)

Post one chapter of clemency

Don't really have any casual ones this year. I guess 3, 6, and 10 can be considered casual. I just hope I find the time to actually do most of these. I feel if I didn't have to work in order to maintain my right to exist, I would be reaching my goals much easier. But that's capitalism for ya, baby.

Now onto my thoughts that I had over the last year! I am mostly going to copy/paste these from discord as well, minus the ones that are waaaay too personal, so please pardon any spelling errors. Most of these are stream of conscious writings.

January 7th. New schedule at work has everyone on reduced hours as we enter the off season. I got to leave at 1pm. After going home and changing, I went back out to academy to buy new work and house shoes. It was CROWDED at the store. I saw these obnoxious purple nike shoes, and wanted to buy them so bad, but they didnt have them in my size. Bought some stupid bright ass white and blue shoes instead. I tried wishing Allyson happy birthday on the 1st, but my text sidnt go through. I wonder if she blocked my number. I wonder if she's doing okay..

January 10th. 1/3rd of the month is over already. On January 8th, I had to do a closing shift. It is so weird staying until 7pm and driving home in the dark. Why did it feel like people were more likely to tailgate me on the highway after 7pm? Should have worked on my comic or novel while at work, but was a little to anxious with the time change. I need to build a big buffer of comic pages in order to get to 312 by June 18th. I want to do so much creative stuff, like write fan fiction and animate and crochet, and I actually have the time now to I, but I'm getting paralyzed by choice.

I watched "undertale under event" late last year and I'm kind of curious if I can join for this year 👉👈 wish I knew about this showcasing project sooner. It's finally getting cold! The weather is below freezing most mornings, then warms up during the day. I hope it doesnt rain ice or snow or I will be screwed because my car cant handle that weather. (Fun Fact, I completely forgot to apply for Undertale Event 2024, and absolutely missed it this year)

Been playing horizon forbidden west some more. Still just grinding for weapon and outfit upgrades. I looked it up, and there are 2 "comic days" each year, 24- hour comic day on the first Saturday in October, and comics day on February 1st. Ive always wanted to participate, but never knew the right date. Feb 1st is a Thursday this year, so I will likely be at work, but I want to do an all-day art stream on weds the 31st instead, and make it public for everyone just because I can.

January 19th, Been having a blast looking into old d.o.n.g. sites. A good half of them are defunct or broken due to the discontinuation of flash, but for the ones that still work- it is the old weird internet that I missed having as a kid. I need to learn to code so I can build a neocities website. Ive been doing Mimo daily for a month now. A lot of the lessons are locked behind a paywall, though. Might try to switch to sololearn once I finish all the free stuff I can access. Ive also been doing a free ASL app daily too. The app needs more work, but for what I can access for free, its pretty decent.

January 30th, I cant believe January isnt even over yet. One more day and then we're finally on to a new month. The one week of texas winter has passed. I highly doubt it will get below freezing again. Most days lately have been pretty nice. Low 40s in the morning, high 60s by the afternoon. I had another/first anxiety attack of the year! Work related like the last two. I was worried I'd be forced to go to a pet cpr class that I was signed up for without being asked. Been reeeeaaaally into learning ren'py and godot tutorials lately. It's exciting to learn code and how to program. I'm still chipping away at all the free lessons on mimo, but have started doing sololearn along side it. (Might just zero in on python because of ren'py and for it, and maybe c#). Still slowly going through dongs. Successfully clicked through 200 out of 1500. Been REALLY back into neopets as well because unconverted pet art was re-introduced to neopets. I am ashamed to say I spent over 150 actual real life dollars on the websites in order to buy slots and style kits. I'm finally transferring all my old pets onto 2 or 3 accounts instead of the 10 I rotated on as a child across my two emails(dont tell neo, I’m abiding by the rules now). Having fun pound surfing on lost and pound for old pets and cool names. Might get rid of some poorly named pets ive had for years, like the bori adopted back in... 2006? It's been so long and he was never a favorite because of his name. (I plan to straight-up "redo" him, by making a better-named pet his identical match, lol.) I lost my old pet stories on their pet pages when I transferred them over.

I plan to do an all-day comic stream tomorrow, so I need to go to bed early. I also need to sketch/scan some more pages.. Hope a few people stop by. I also want to make an April fool's post this year, but dont know if I'll have the time (or if it will line up with the comic's pacing for what I want to do.) I went to walmart and bought more seeds and dirt again. I started planting my seeds last week, extra early this year because im scared the extreme heat of the later months will kill them all again. But the temperature is perfect right now. I'm growing peas, carrots, asparagus, and even watermelon. Im also growing cat grass and a few different types of flowers. I hope my flowers have better luck this year than last.

March 7th, Been trying to be more conscientious of how happy i am. If things bother or upset me, i try to change them. If I'm bored or anxious I find activities to do to cheer me up. One of the things ive been doing this year was looking through old vsauce dongs. I found a website that does multiplayer puzzles and I've become hooked. The reason I started looking at dongs was to build a list for a personal website that harkened back to the early 90s internet days. I miss how weird the internet was back then. A lot of the old dongs are defunct, but a good handful still work. Sadly, a lot of them are not that interesting. Speaking of my personal website, i need to get back to it. I haven't touched it in a year, but I have been trying to teach myself code in order to improve it. Ive been using mimo and sololearn to practice coding, but only the free stuff they offer. I'm almost out of mimo courses, and the sololearn classes dont really have you practicing the code you're actually learning, so the lessons dont really stick. Ive also been looking into games that teach you how to code as you play. At work on my work phone ive been watching a lot of youtube videos that talk about video game development. I want to learn and do so much but all at once. It's almost paralyzing.

I started packing my suitcase for my camping trip next month. My trunk is already full of sleeping bags, the tent and a chair. I need to finalize my menu and shop for food. I'm excited and nervous, mostly about driving up there on my own. Pulling my suitcase out made me realize I really need to clean out my closet and organize my room in general. I have so many papers just strewn in my desk and so many knick-knacks crammed in my closet. I kinda want to itemize everything. Random memory- I got real obsessed with an old Wendy's ad campaign called "it's good to be square". Those commercials were so funny to me. Never made me want to eat at Wendy's though. I voted on super Tuesday. I wish voting wad mandatory and punishable by fine. I'm scared for this November, but I will vote for sure. Been slightly re-obsessed with neopets ever since they rereleased unconverteds. Bought neocash to buy extra pet slots and moved all my side pets over. Now I'm training them up just because I can. I gotta look into neocash item trading. There's a couple of things I want that are retired now..

In a fit of motivation, I edited the second chapter of featherlight yesterday. It took me hours, and im still not done, but it flows better than it's first draft. Hope I can stay motivated to edit the rest. I keep daydreaming of putting copies of my book in little free libraries that they have around neighborhood parks and such. Still debating if I want to publish my book to be free or to be bought and sold.. It should be nice to make a living off of my writing, but I doubt I ever will.

March 13, I went to half price books for the first time in a couple of years. The building hasn't changed at all, but I think they did away with plastic bags. I found the 3 gryphon books by Mercedes lackey and bought them, as well as joust, the dragon book she wrote, and two CDs, one being a Jesse cook CD. I recently bought a CD/dvd player to hook up to my laptop, but I wonder if I can find just my basic CD player that you use with headphones. I hate how many things are "wireless" and use usb and have rechargeable batteries. I want good ol' devices that need double As. Any way, it was healing to be in a h.p.b. I also went to 3 thrift stores to look for work pants. Goodwill and the salvation army sucked, but thrift city is always there for me. I found 5 pairs of men's shorts that fit me great and all of them have nice deep pockets! Hopefully I wont have to go shopping for work clothes again for a while.

March 21, Nani's gotcha day was on the 18th! Ive had her for a full 4years now~ I watched two movies on Netflix yesterday; puss in boots and the last wish, and the Mitchell's vs the machines. The puss movie was very fast pace, but had very tight writing. It was great, despite me being spoiled on it for well over a year and knowing every beat that was going to happen. (I do NOT like the new dreamworks opening though) the mitchells vs the machine movie was surprisingly funny! But also so. Damn. LONG. It was also a good soul cleanse, being so sincere and genuine despite the irony poisoned world we live in right now. I want more movies with this kind of heart. For the first time since January, ive noticed I haven't been as happy or content as I want to be. Boredom sneaks up on me and periods of anxiety are sneaking into my thoughts. For example- I've been a lot more strict with my "watch later" list on YouTube. It used to be so long. I'm slowly cutting it down, but ive noticed that not many of the videos make me happy, nor do I remember much of what I watched. I find that I mostly just watch/play youtube videos for background noise. Im not really multitasking like I thought. Now, as soon as I realize I'm not retaining what im watching or the moment I lose interest, I click a way. I don't want to waste my time on things I don't care about anymore. Been really interested in going back to my fox game. Maybe I will this year.

March 31, Watched nimona finally. Very good story! Sometimes the lighting of the animation was distractingly flat, but the narrative was so strong you hardly pay attention to it. (Unlike in Wish, where the story was so unengaging that you DO notice all the tiny flaws.) Nimona's character actually kinda bothered me at first. I get that she's headstrong and boisterous, but even I think she'd want to keep a low profile and STOP TRYING TO MAKE BALLISTER LOOK BAD. If she KNOWS people are likely to jump to conclusions, why validate those fears around her to begin with? WHY would she especially do this to blackheart when she knows he's trying to prove his innocence? I wish this aspect of prejudice had been explored more in the movie. Oh, and also, am I really supposed to believe that in A THOUSAND YEARS ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE HAS QUESTIONED WHAT IS OUTSIDE THE WALL OR WHY ONLY THE UPPERCLASS GET TO BE KNIGHTS?? I could suspend my disbelief juuust enough to enjoy the movie, but these thoughts WERE on the back of my mind. Maybe I'm too aware of social inequality today to not have these ideas in mind when watching a queer coded film like this. I read the nimona comic in full the day after I watched the movie. It's.... Different. Not bad, but different. You can clearly see where the movie got inspiration and direct homages. I do think the movie is more coherent, and the action and gesture... Readability? Intensity? Is sorely lacking in the comic. All poses are rather flat and generic. Not a lot of interesting angles or poses. (Granted, the comic was updated twice a week for 3 years straight so I understand the artist had to streamline the process as much as possible to keep up such a pace.)

Watched another movie on Netflix called latte and the waterstone. Its... Passable. Okay story, bad character design (especially for the squirrel) weak dialogue, nice music. I reeeeaaallllly hated how tjum the squirrel would hiccup whenever he was nervous. The tick is never addressed, but his hiccuping is a minor plot point so you'd think they'd at least put a little light on it? Based of a book of the same name, I think this film was originally German? The lip sync seemed weak near the end.

April 1st dream; got fucking pranked by my own subconscious. I dreamed my neopets account got terminated right after I managed to get all my pets unconverted again. Not because I broke any rules, but because someone didnt like the original stories I wrote for my pet's backstories when I was 13. They said the stories were all too problematic, and so TNT just deleted my account. Not even froze it. Just erased it from existence.

April 7 Been trying to be more mindful of myself and my emotions. For the most part, ive been happy and content, but last night I suddenly got very anxious for frivolous reasons. Found out that kique N, creator of a webcomic I hate called asmundr and home, is sooo insecure and creepy, that he would watch videos critiquing him, then investigate everyone in who talked about his work in the COMMENTS of those videos and block them on as many sites as he could find. My fan art deviant art account is blocked by him (but not my personal because he doesnt know it, lol) and I'm even blocked by him on PATREON. How delusional can he be? I learned his longtime girlfriend broke up with him because she finally caught wise to how insane he is. Im not too torn up about it because I just know I'm one of COUNTLESS people he's blocked, so it's nothing personal, but it is kinda unnerving how far he'll dig to find you on the internet.

April 8th. Took 4 days off from work to see the eclipse and go camping. It was cloudy today, and I couldn't see a goddamn thing. Caught glimpses of the sun becoming a crescent through the clouds but saw nothing when we went into totality. I could hear all the kids at the nearby elementary school screaming when it went dark. I took Nani outside for her to experience, but she did not care at all. It didnt get as dark as I thought it would. Probably as dark as thunderstorm weather.

April 9th. I cleaned up my room, packed the ice chest, and drove 100 miles out to Fredericksburg to go camping. The drive there was nice and uneventful. I mostly followed behind a FedEx truck for all of i10. Fedex ground double length truck #56132... You were my friend on that open road and I will miss you... Got to enchanted rock pretty much bang at 2. Quite the line for camping check ins at that time! I was the first in my camping area to arrive. I parked next to a truck whose license plate said freeedom with 3 'e's. I also saw a license plate that said chiken with no second 'c'. I set up my tent (incorrectly, I later learned) and unloaded all my stuff. There were 3 other families in the same camping area as me. By the time I finished setting up, it was already 4pm. It was hot and I didnt want to climb the rock that day, so instead I hiked some of the short trails around the front of the rock. I was already drained by, like, 6;30 and turned in early for the night. That night I had a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner. It thunderstormed at 7pm and the wind was SO. BAD. That night, I thought the rain cover was going to be ripped away. I kept waking up every hour or so because of the wind. Around 12, it stopped long enough for me to run to the bathroom to pee. I heard coyotes howling around 2-3am.

April10th. I woke up early, but I didnt want to get up too early compared to everyone else. I told myself to rest, relax and take my time. Other early hikers were already headed to the rock. I should have gone too to see the sunrise. It was windy in the morning. All I ate for breakfast was a banana and some oranges (and a chewy bar, I think. Cant remember now). I did leave my campsite by 7:30 and started hiking the rock by 7:40, because I distinctly remember getting a text message at 7:50 from my mom. I learned then that the only way I could get cell service at enchanted rock was if I was at 1000ft or higher above sea level for my phone's internet/Wi-Fi to function. I then quickly took the opportunity to check all my websites, duolingo, neopets, tumblr, etc, to keep any streaks I had going. My sign language app worked regardless of if I had Wi-Fi or not, which leads me to believe it's not as frequently updated/maintained as I would have believed. I made it to the top of the mountain by 8:20 and it was fookin' WIMDY up there. I couldn't hear anything by wind. When though the sun was blazing, the wind made it like 20 degrees colder. It felt like I was being fucking scratched! I wanted to climb little rock next, but I was too cold, so I went back down to get a wind breaker and ear muffs.

I rested for an hour before going back out around 10. This time I blazed my own trail, climbing up the fallen uneven boulders like an idiot. I made it to the top of little rock, which is much prettier than enchanted rock, I must say, and wondered around for an hour. There was a third rock to the west of little rock I wanted to climb, but it was getting close to lunch, so I scrambled down little rock, again striking my own path, and stumbled out through someone else's camping site before getting back to my own. The wind was so violent I couldn't start a fire. I ate a lunch of a peanut butter and banana sandwich with Pringles on the side. I tried to read and write, but the wind was too distracting And shaking my tent. I tried to sunbathe and tan in my tent, but it was too cloudy. I tried to nap, but it was too noisy. Instead, I went on an interpretive trail, found a spot of Wi-Fi, downloaded a book to read off line and checked the weather. The wind was supposed to stop by 7pm. The longest hiking trail at enchanted rock took 3 hours to complete. I rested in my tent until 3, then went out on the loop trail to kill time away from the noise of my own tent. The loop trail was gorgeous! Prettiest sights and landscapes by far. I climbed some weird rocks and ripped my pants sliding down one. Thankfully I still had my windbreaker, so I did the tried and true middle school trick of tying your sweater/jacket around your waist, and thus my ass was covered and noone could see my underwear!

The trail was so quiet and lonely, I only encountered 2 other groups going the other direction. At one point I heard a family catching up to me from behind, so whenever the trail sloped down hill, I jogged to keep distance, despite aching feet. Once I passed the buzzards roost camping site, I lost track of the trail and walked in the river bed. I managed to spot two other hikers on a cliff a bit above me and scrambled out of the river bed and found the path again. It was so narrow and rocky. The last third of loop trail isn't worth it imo. If you take loop trail in a clock-wise path like I did, turn and follow the baseline trail at the 2/3rds mark. Far prettier and easier to keep track of. Anyway, it was about 5:30 and still broad daylight when I heard a pack of coyotes howling from around turkey peak. I do not know if turkey peak or buzzards roost are off limits to climbing, since it has no dedicated paths. I was curious about climbing them, but if coyotes live there, then I think I won't. I made it back to mt campsite by 6, the wind had died down enough for me to light my propane stove. I grilled 2 hotdogs and they were the best thing I'd eaten all day. I took a full dose of sleep aid that night and was out by 9 thanks to physical exhaustion. I did take a shower around 730, but it was just a glorified whore bath with a scrubby because I forgot to bring soap. I read the offline book i'd downloaded for about an hour before passing out. If there was any wind or coyotes that night, i didnt hear them. (Oh, I did try to stargaze Wednesday night, but it was too cloudy. I saw a couple Tuesday night, but was too tried to hike out to a good spot, plus it rained.)

April 11th. I woke up early again today, but forced myself to stay in my tent until I could hear other campers waking up. I finally had to get up around 6:30 because I really needed to pee. I ate a quick breakfast of grilled sausage patties and the rest of my oranges (mostly for the juice) then began to roll up my sleeping bags and pack my suitcase and car. It seemed that 2 of the 3 other families also only planned a camp trip of 2.5 days and 2 nights, because they began packing up too. The sight of them packing kind of... Upset me? And it makes me wonder if I have abandonment issues that I don't know about. I don't like the idea of people leaving before me. Leaving me behind. I got all my belongings fully packed away by 8am, and my campsite was cleared before anyone else, but I decided to hike one more trail before I left (mostly to kill time so I could then by some souvenirs from the gift shop that opened at 8:30).

I hiked the turkey pass/baseline/echo canyon trails. When I got up high enough (around 9:30) I told my mom I was heading out soon, letting her know I'd be home by 1pm. I got lost on the trail change from pass to base, and ended up hiking an extra .6 miles. I saw some rock climbers/repellers on the back of enchanted rock. The saddle area between enchanted rock and little rock was like out of a fantasy (and the only place I saw any graffiti my entire time there). I got back by 11:30, bought some art by ira Kennedy that really inspired me to try a dot style like his, bought some enamel pins and an eclipse magnet to commemorate the trip, even though I didn't get to see the eclipse there myself. (Apparently they didn't have much better luck that day either. It was mostly cloudy during the critical 2 minutes totality happened). It was fun camping by myself, and I think 2 half days, 1 full day and 2 nights was the perfect length. I'd like to go again, with friends to show them the trails, or by myself to climb the more dangerous peaks and that third flat one I skipped. Id also like to go again to really try star gazing.

Just being at enchanted rock was really... Mentally cleansing. I didn't talk to anyone, not even out loud to myself. I didn't think once about work (though I did think about Nani because I missed her). I saw a lot of cool plants, reptiles and birds, but no mammals. I did hear the coyotes howl the morning I left, though. I got sunburned on my face. Most of the other camper's cars were gone by the time I finished my last hike, which still made me feel weird because they left before me, but after I got my prizes from the gift shop, I went straight to my car and left too. (I was really nervous about the drive home because my gps didnt work inside of enchanted rock, and I had to drive about 7 miles off of memory before I got a signal).

Camping at enchanted rock felt surreally long and surprisingly short at the same time. I had no schedule or itinerary. All I did was wonder and explore for roughly 48 hours while there. By the time I left, the eclipse felt like it had been a month ago. The drive back felt shorter than the drive there. Once I got to 1604, I knew my way home. Arriving home in the mid afternoon was weird too. I unloaded my car as fast as I could because I knew I'd be too tired to do it later, but p much as soon as I stepped inside I turned on my computer, snuggled my cat for an hour, and took a full shower to get truly clean before bringing most of my luggage in from the porch. I watched 2 nature documentaries on pbs to relive the wilderness I just returned from. I caught up on 2 days worth of tumblr posts I'd missed and learned oj Simpson died. I slept great last night though my body is still sore from all the exercise I did in 2 days. (I also slept like a rock Wednesday night, but I think that was mostly in part to the sleep aid)

April 14, Youtube is being a shithead and "updated" their UI. I must've been a "lucky" random beta tester, because when I did a Google search on an extension to undo it, nothing came up. (That, or YouTube's parent company, which IS Google, is suppressing results). I remembered the next day that I have tampermonkey, and when I did a script search on greasyfork, I found quite a few userscripts that could undo the change (and several had spikes in "recent downloads" over the last w days, lol).Also discovered a completely random deviantart user who has me blocked for some reason. Probably because they're overtly Christian and I dared to portray their religion in a negative light in my undertale comic. Doesn’t bother me none. Lord knows I’ve blocked completely nice people just because I didn’t want to see their art pop up in the groups we both submit to. Speaking of deviantart, they recently "updated" all the groups on da, and now submitting stuff to them is waaay more complicated than it was before with so many extra steps and clicking. I think once I'm done putting my undertale comic up there, I'll stop using tje site for good. Too bad there arent very many other good art community websites out there. I should really get back into making my own neocities site…

April 20, It's not even been a week since I last wrote in my monthly journal but I feel as if so much has happened. Amber, one of our new hires, silently quit only after being here a week. I hope she found something better.. Ive been wanting to get back into writing my gryphon book, especially after finishing the extremely underwhelming "griffin quest" duology. I could write something so much better. I HAVE written better than torro's has. I'm getting close to the half way mark of my fan comic. I wish I had endless energy to work on that too, so I could build a buffer (or just make so many pages that I'd be done already). It takes up so much of my free time, Idk if I ever want to tell stories in comic format ever again this way. (I half wanted to translate Featherlight into comic, but the story just may be too damn long if this is how long it takes me to make a fan comic. I still may do it for other short story projects like dragonfruit or dogs cant see color) Steadily still working my way through dongs. I found so many good ones, but at least a good half are dead. Im still doing sololearn everyday, but I may quit that soon. I still want to learn coding for my neocities site, but sololearn isnt helping me as much as I thought it would.

Aurgh! I want to write! I want to code! I want to draw! I want to create!

Deviantart is still getting worse and worse. Ive seriously been considering looking into art community alternatives like Sheezy art, inkblot, and artfol. I wont completely jump ship yet, but after my fan comic is done, I don't think I'll post to da anymore..

May 8th, 2024. I beat horizon forbidden west today! The ending was shorter than I thought it would be. Easier, too. I think I had a harder time with zero dawn's final battle, honestly. Maybe this felt easier because I spent well over 100 hours just grinding upgrade items for better gear. I was already maxed out on level and most abilities by the end, but honestly I could have finished this game 2 months ago if I wanted. I feel like tilda's heel turn was kinda forced. I wish she'd stayed a good guy. Alva is my favorite, but I do love ketallo and erand as well. Sad (pissed) that varl had to die. And while I'm curious about horizon 3, idk if I'll ever play it. It sure isnt coming to ps4, I know that. (I honestly thought we were gonna fight nemesis at the end of this game. I was shocked when it was a to-be-continued)

Yesterday I finished 6 comic pages. I was up till almost 1am. I want to hit 312 by june 18th. I still need to make 8 more. (9, if i want patreon to stay ahead). I am exhausted already just thinking about it. I want to write and read more.

Scared for the world, this year's election, war over seas in countries I dont live in. Why do I feel like we are progressing backwards. I dont watch the news and I hate it when mom turns it on every day. It's too sad and stressful.

I stopped doing my daily sign language app after I forgot a day sooo close to a 100 day streak. I was just doing basic lessons over and over anyway. Might look for a new asl app. Might not.

So tired of the repetitiveness of work. We've got a lot of new hires. I wish we could all have 4 day work weeks. I need a break, though. The general air of unease is slowly coming back to me, like something is wrong or something bad will happen to me. I try to do my best, but I'm scared I messed something up without knowing, and no one will tell me because they want to use it against me in the future in order to fire me. All the more reason to get back into writing, create a well-selling novel and have no fear of losing my job because I will live off my book sales instead. Daydreaming is fun, but not the best coping mechanism..

Made banana cookies today! Came out great! They're more like mini banana bread bites if I'm being honest, but I just wanted to use up this one over ripe banana we had before it rotted.

Been rewatching a lot of old caleb joseph videos recently. I feel like I had stopped doing that for a while. He hasnt been active on patreon or any social media for almost 3 months now. His twitter was hacked, but recovered. Hope he's doing alright.

May 21st. I am sick with a fever. My body aches all over and I cannot get comfortable to sleep no matter what position I try. I'm hot and sweaty. My throat is scratched raw. A bug has been going around at work, and I caught it. I went to target for the first time in... I think since January? I remember going to buy flower seeds. They completely reorganized the interior. I went to target to find a nightlight because the one in my bathroom finally died. None of the night lights they sold were cute or fun, though. I ordered one from Amazon instead.

My fever brain has been obsessed with chillchuck and senshi from dungeon meshi, when though I have not watched a single episode or read the manga. I don't know why, but that's all I could think about last night as I tossed and turned with my body on fire.

June 16, Has it really only been 10 days since I last put in a journal entry? It feels so much longer than that. It dawned on me this morning that I haven't been playing a lot of my steam games recently. Granted I just spent months grinding and completing horizon forbidden west, but I haven't touched carto in months. I still need to catch back up on snakebird. I still want to play the talos principle 2, but still havent bought it. I have so many steam games I own but never played... I should fix that, but i feel I dedicate so much of my free time to my comic/fan project instead. Dont get me wrong, its fun to create stuff, but I wonder if I'm ever gonna have enough time to do everything I want, recreational or creational. I slept really hard last night, which is good because the night before I only slept, like, 4 hours. Ive been going to bed early, which is good because I get more sleep and feel more rested, but it feels like I'm losing what little free time I have. I dont want to wait until my weekend to do everything I want to do. I want to be able to do things I like/want to do even on days I work. I dont mind if I have to do them before or after, but I just need the time and energy. (Aka, work days are too long. 8 hour days should be made illegal in favor of 4 hour shifts to allow me to have time and energy for my own hobbies and needs) I hope one day my creative projects are profitable/sustainable enough so I dont have to work full time.. I daydream about it often, but doubt ill ever get there..

Also just realized I havent looked at any d.o.n.g.s in a few weeks as well. Need to get back to that, and website coding, and game dev education, and learning how to do every hobby under the sun. Maggie recently pit up a short story on her writing website. I think it was supposed to be a horror story, but I gotta be honest. Nothing maggie has ever written has ever scared me. (Maggie, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad) It's made me laugh with how ridiculous it is, but never ever creeped me out or unnerved me. Its probably a "me" thing. I remember not finding hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy funny out side of one suicide joke which got a snort out of me, nor did I find Guards! Guards! Funny either, and have never had the urdge to pick up another terry pratchet book because of it. I think it has something to do with the way I read and my internal voice I have in my head. I have a feeling if a snarky British person read guards guards to me with the correct inflection on all the right words, the humor would have hit better. I think I'm just too serious a reader. Then again, I remember reading Marley and me when I was younger and absolutely laughing out loud at that book. I think that author's writing style was more my taste and allowed the humor to resonate with me more. Ive been on a real kick editing Featherlight. So much so that I almost dont want to draw a comic page this week. I suck at multitasking. Its hard for me to put one project down and start another if I'm really into it. I just wanna keep going and see how much I can accomplish and finish. Ghost switch's 6th birthday is on Tuesday. Im about half way done with the story. I'm already trying to plan what I will do next after it's completed, especially patreon-wise. I think ill take a break, work on some fan fics, then do some short story comics, like dogs cant see color, or dragon fruit. I kinda had half an idea to make a comic version of Featherlight, but just seeing how long ghost switch is going to take? (12 years of my life!) I dont think I will.. Or, at least not all of it. Maybe ill illustrate a chapter or two to entice people to read the book instead?

I remember at the beginning of the year I told myself to monitor my happiness. I think I've been slipping a but since may. Ive been more neutral, but no anxiety/panic attacks yet this year. I think work is really just what's been bringing me down. All these new changes and new routines that is NOT making our jobs more streamlined or efficient. They keep piling on new expectations without realizing were already maxed out. I wish my managers would work beside us just to see how much they are asking of us. At least the rest of the staff are pretty strong coworkers. That is at least one thing for me to be grateful for during these fucking hot summer days. I miss my friends. I need more friends. But it's too hot to go anywhere or do anything. I want to go swimming. Maybe I will this summer. I think the school district's natatorium is open to the public in summer. Today is father's day. I dont think I'll call my dad. I have nothing to say. It's also been almost 1 year since my grandfather died. Two nights ago, Milton, my neighbor and Alice's husband, passed away from Alzheimers. I dont know how to feel about this. I dont like alice, but Milton was always pretty nice.

Yesterday I saw a humming bird! Sometimes I fear they'll go extinct in texas due to their high need for nectar, but all the flowers dying from the stupid heat.

June 18, Had a dream last night related to work and prepping food bowls. One bowl was custom made, and called "the piñata pancake" that was as follows; 4 waffles heated up in the toaster. Use a cookie cutter to cut a whole in the center of three of the waffles. 'Glue' the three waffles together with syrup and cool whip. Fill the hole in the three waffles with a candy of your choice (in my dream it was m&ms) glue the last waffle on top with more syrup and cool whip. Add sprinkles if desired and serve.

This recipe was for a dog breakfast.

June 30, Made a financially unwise decision yesterday and spent 50$ on 7 video games from steam. Don't know when ill have the time, energy or desire to play them, though. Curse the steam summer sale.

Raven, one of our newer hires at work, got fired yesterday for falling asleep and lying about it. Honestly, she will not be missed.

It's been a while since I listened to an audio book. I did listen to 12 this year, and I want to save more for next year, but I enjoy listening to stories on my commute to and from work. (Better than drama videos anyway.) Listening to overly negative videos is kinda starting to make me feel... Sick in a way? I'm constantly asking myself now "do you REALLY want to listen to this even though you know it will make you upset?" Sometimes it's hard to say no, but I'm getting better.

Played flightrising for the first time in over 2ish years for the light flight holiday event. (I honestly just wanted the familiar. They're doing gryphons this year~)

I always have so many little things I need to do on my weekends, but then I just don't do them when the time comes. Like cleaning my book shelves or buying new socks. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. All these small chores are starting to pile up. I have Thursday the 11th off, but, like, I think I need a whole week's vacation to stay sane now.

Been thinking a lot of writing/drawing more short stories/comics. Ever since ghost switch turned 6 and we hit the halfway mark. It's still gonna take me another half decade to finish gs at least, but I'm already trying to plan for what I'll do after, if I'll do anything after. I always premeditate this stuff for years in advance, it seems. I think for the first time since I started drawing the comic 6 years ago, I'm finally getting tired of it and really want to do something else. (This inst entirely true. I just have to draw action/fighting poses next week which I'm not looking forward to. I usually feel better once I draw them and get it over with. I also miss having a buffer. Getting out 3 pages a week felt great and rewarding with all the constant feedback, but now back to a page a week feels very slow) I keep wanting to try to make another buffer, or at least plan/block out a couple pages in advance, but when ever I sit down to draw, I just want to nap instead.

July 16, Has it only been two weeks since I last updated this? I feel like so much has happened since then. I kept meaning to update sooner, but kept forgetting. The 4th of July came and went. It got a bit busy at work, but nothing unmanageable. Bri got appendicitis and had to have surgery. She was out for a week, but is back now. Ashton quit, but I feel like it was under duress, Austin was "on leave", but ally crossed her name off the contact list as well as her position, do I dont think she's coming back, and Alex wad fired for reasons I dont know and dont care about. All of our current staff is really on top of things and pretty good at communicating. I really like our core group of people at work right now~ I took the 11th off, and boy did I need it. I slept, like, 14 hours on Wednesday the tenth. I also got five comic pages done that week! It's a tiny buffer, but a needed one. I wanted to make more pages and get even further ahead, but I am going to see my friends tomorrow for the first time in about 9 months, do more comic pages will have to wait until next week. I want to buy a new mattress. I think I might have a uti. Not sure if that's causing me back pain or if it's bad bed springs. Caleb Joseph uploaded a patron video for the first time since... March? He sadly broke the news that his dog wally had unexpectedly passed in mid april. He wasn't even 6 years old yet. I no doubt blame the Amish breeders wally came from. (I gave my condolences, but did not say anything about bad breeders) now I've been researching all he old videos with wally in them since I now now we won't see him again. The last time he showed up in a video was the shaggy d.a., and he was barely over 2.that was 4 years ago.

August 2, Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race and it is likely that kamila harris will be the next democratic nominee. I was really worried at first that people's hatred for women and poc would hurt her chances, but the republican party has been shooting itself in the feet a lot recently, so I'm feeling more hopeful. Oh yeah, there was an assassination attempt on donald trump about 2 weeks back. The shooter was a white republican registered man. He missed, but good try. It's been raining a lot this July. It's certainly helped keep the heat down. I want to do more puzzles before this summer ends. So far we only did one. I learned how to download an emulator, and ive been playing a looooot of pokemon silver. Its been so nostalgic~

Mom told me she's been dating a guy for about a year now. I kinda figured since she's been constantly leaving the house to spend time with "a friend". I don't like that she's been hiding it, but this is her house and she's an adult so it's not really my business. It does make me want to move out faster, though. When will the housing market crash... I want to buy a house with no hoa so I can paint it purple. That is my current life goal.

July went on foreveeerrrrr. Artfight is over. I cant believe it's august. I need to start working on a song comic for undertale's ninth birthday. Ive been slowly editing my griffin book again, but I need to do some major overhauls for some sections and massive rewrites. I bult a small buffer of comic pages for ghost switch, but that's almost used up, so I gotta draw more of that too.

The Olympics are happening. Funny I forget that that's going on. I dont think we had one in 2020.

August 11, Two Saturdays ago it rained in the early morning and I saw a rainbow at work. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a rainbow irl and that made me kind of sad. The rising sun through the falling rain was quite beautiful. Liquid falling gold. I wish I could use the phrase golden showers but I cant because of kink reasons. Not to yuck someone's yum, but the piss kink community really stole such a nice descriptive phrase from us writers with that one.

August 17, Today I learned that the version of Mad World who I thought was written by Gary Jules was actually a cover of a tears for fears song. I do not know how to feel about this. It was disorienting and upsetting a bit. I wanted to deny it so hard. The original song is more "new wave" and waaay too up beat for my liking. I like Jule's version better.

I looked at pictures of lemurs today and was filled with joy.

August 25, Ordered a new mattress for myself on Friday. I felt that I had to for weird mental reasons. I told my mom and she gave me a disappointed look, saying "paqui says those mattresses aren't good".

Well, paqui isn't my friend. And even if she thinks its a bad idea, why can't she just try to be happy for whatever decisions I make? Speaking of mom, she's been spending so much time with her new boyfriend al. It makes me upset. I feel like she's rarely ever home anymore. It's really fucking up how we cook/eat dinner. I hope she doesn't plan to move in with him, or him to here. Makes me want to move out more and not tell her I'm doing it. She spent a lot of nights at his house.

September 3rd, 2024. Super busy day today. The helix mattress I ordered arrived on Sunday, but no one was home when FedEx put it on my porch. I got the alert at 11:51pm. I told my manager I had an expensive package waiting at home for me, so on my lunch break I sped home (avoiding no less than 2 cop cars) hauled the box in my house as soon as I pulled up, kissed Nani on the head, then immediately turned around and drove right back to work. 80 minute round trip. 4 gallons of gas burned that day. Today I was finally able to set up my mattress. I woke up at 7, pulled my old mattress off, then put my new mattress on and let it expand for 2 hours while I then went to the dentist. It has been POURING all day. As soon as I got on the road, all through out my dentist visit. After the dentist I went to the vet to buy more cat food for Nani. Visibility was so low even for those 5ish miles. After the vet I went to petsmart. The drive down down one street took nearly 30 minutes because the roads were so flooded. I wanted to get a heated cat bed for Nani since my heat pad broke, but they didnt sell any. Neither did target or Wal-Mart. I went to the chiropractor but the guy who adjusted me wasnt very good at it :\ my neck didnt crack at all. The rain lessened a bit on my way home. My mattress was pretty much fully expanded by now. I washed my bed sheets and made my new bed. It's noticeably taller than my old mattress, but the old mattress is also over 10 years old. I did my laundry and ironed some patches on some warn down parts of my work pants. I still need to sew them down, too. I listened to wings of fire audio book 15. Almost done with the 3rd arc.

September 18, Been a couple weeks since I last wrote a diary entry. Let me see if I can recap the last half month. My new mattress is amazing. For the first time in months I woke up without back pain. In fact, I can actually sleep on my back now without it cramping up! Its wonderful! It is extremely firm, which some people may not like. Heck, even I found it a little weird at first, but knowing how much better my back feels in the morning, you grow to like it really quick. I should start exercising more. Work has been fine. Same old grind. Still pretty slow. I have a 3 day weekend this week just because. I have to work my least favorite area on Friday, though, which sucks. Been having a lot of spiraling negative thoughts lately. Not sure if I should specify which things I keep remembering, or dont list them to help me forget them. Old middle school memories and family conflicts that never properly got resolved. I can't help but fall back to them when I'm doing mindless cleaning at work, usually in the morning. I need to try and think of better things. Maybe try distracting myself with story ideas I need to work on. That might help. I know at the beginning of the year I said I wanted to monitor my happiness. I think ive forgotten about it in these past 2 months, which is why I keep returning to the past. Never got around to making a song comic for undertale’s birthday this year, but it honestly wasn’t a huge loss. We got some nice asriel/chara lore, and if I had gone through with my comic idea, it would have come across as tone deaf (it was a no mercy comic when the chara lore we got heavily implied they Went Through It ™ on the surface)

For the first time in my life, I went to a grand opening. It was for the new barnes and nobles. I went with my friends. It was exquisite! There was actually A LINE wrapping around the building when we got there right before opening! We were afraid there might be a capacity limit inside. The inside of the Barnes and noble was completely redone. It was not like any I'd ever been in before. Taller book shelves, more intimate lighting, a nice flowing floor plan that felt well connected with no one section walled off from another. Sadly, it did feel a little smaller than other BNs ive been in in the past, with smaller selections per genre, and an absolutely pitiful digital media section that was poorly organized. Still, I spent almost 200$ on new books, mostly hard covers that were reference books on animals and one fantasy book about dragons. There were a couple author signings and we saw the Arthur Reed in the fursuit. I'd like to go back soon to get more books I left behind this time. I never got a chance to ask the authors there if they were local. This new bn used to be an office max, which I think sadly went out of business and doesnt have any physical stores anymore?

We explored the bn for 3 hours before leaving, and then we went to a daiso right across the strip. I bought some Japanese snacks. Then we had a late lunch at kneaders, which I have driven past many times but never eaten at. It was really good! Then we went back to my house where maggie did palm readings for us, Bee did tarot readings for us and Nani as well. Nani was being super affectionate and attention-needy. It was so nice to see my friends after, like, 2 months. I hope we can get together again. And who knew grand openings were so much fun? I want to go to more, now~.

October 4, 'S been about 3 weeks. What's happened in that time? I finished reading 2 books I saw at barnes and noble (one I bought, the other I read online) I finished my first play through of the talos principle 2 and have started a second play through for achievement hunting. My back's been acting up again. Im waking up a little sore, but it goes away quick. I don't blame my bed. We're getting a new hire at work. Her name is kaitlyn. She has a service dog. Been prepping for nanowrimo. (Honestly im just excited to not be doing comic pages for a month). I think I'll either re-write greyscale, or do some charisk one shots. Maybe both. I feel like mom's out of the house a lot more these days with her boyfriend. I dont want to cook an entire meal if she's not going to be there to eat it fresh. On the 24th, I got a note on da from a user called fancomics-official asking me to check out their website, which was to be a hub for fan comics. It didnt impress me, so I ignored it, but then 4 days later they messaged me again asking for feedback, so I gave them a scathing review of their website and how sketchy I found it. I knew they'd delete my comment, so I took screen shots for the internet archive, and would you believe that they completely deleted their da account yesterday? Big red flag and I feel like I dodged a bullet. I'm gonna expose them more in my year end review~ I can't wait~

I finally met my mom's boyfriend today. I got to leave work 30 minutes early and found him fixing our sink. He's nice enough but I wish he was weirder. Polite but a little awkward. He drank 2 cans of beer at dinner then drove home with my mom (separate cars) but that makes me uneasy.

October 20, Another 2 weeks. I meant to update sooner, but got busy, as is always the excuse. Went to pep boys for a routine oil change and tire rotation. What originally would have been a 45 minute procedure turned into a 6 hour ordeal because they alerted to me that my shocks were bad and the ball bearings in one of my rear tires was worn down to nothing, which isnt good. I agreed to have them both replaced but none of the replacement shocks would fit my car because it's such an "old" model. Thankfully the 4th set of shocks they tried did work, but if it hadnt, they would have had to call the car manufacturers. I love obsoleetism.🙃 I did read about half of the book "illborn" while waiting. It's an interesting indie fantasy, very character driven. My favorite character is corin, followed by allana (because she's a hot mess) then the priestess, then the soldier, who I forgot the names of. I dont like reading about religious abuse and the political games go over my head, so those story lines lose me a little. While drawing page 331 of ghost switch, I remembered the song "ready steady go" by larc en ciel which was used as an fma opening. Out of nostalgia, I rewatched brotherhood and binged it in a week. I then ordered the entire dvd set, manga collection, 2 art books and 3 enamel pins. I forgot how good this show was. I'm currently trying to rewatch 2003, but it is painful in comparison. Good thing I'm not lactose intolerant, because 2003 is FULL of cheese.

November 3, I forgor today was daylight savings time. Im sitting in tje parkinglot at work an hour early. Fml.

Halloween came and went. I voted. Hopeful about the future but terrified for the worst outcome. Doing my own thing for nanowrimo. Finally gonna share the story ive been working on for the past 2 years. Hoping for feedback.

November 6. Well this is the shittiest birthday of my life to date.

November 23, Jeez, it's almost been 3 weeks since I wrote a diary entry? November has been.... Going. Not too hopeful for the next 4 years, but im going to keep living out of spite. This country just really fucking hates women, huh. Worried for online privacy and the destruction of communities both irl and online. There's a bill trying to be made into law that would tax nonprofits which is horrible in its own right, but would also target ao3. You want to donate to charity? Fuck you, they have to fork over some of your donation as taxes so we can continue to fund genocide over seas.

Not doing comics for a month has really recharged me mentally. So much so that I went ahead and made December's first comic page already, so I dont have to worry about it next week, lol. Been slowly editing my xenofiction novel. Stuck on chapter 9. Wanted to get at least to chapter 10 (50%) before the month is done. I have been able to write some new stuff, this month. My rewatch/reread of fmab really inspired me. Now I'm planning a song comic for it, which I hope to do by 2026, which would be the 25th anniversary of the manga's first printing. I'm going so far as to do some armature music editing to extend the song I want to use. Might get fancy and make it a song comic/video hybrid and add some flashy effects to the video (if I can figure out how. I need to learn how to use shot cut) Been listening to English covers of all the fma openings and endings almost every day on my drive to and from work for the past two weeks now. Kinda want to ranks them for fun. It's so nice not to worry about comic pages for a while. I kinda want to start taking 2 months off out of the year, maybe 6 months apart or something? But I know if I do that, it will take me a whole extra year to finish this comic. I really just gotta get better at making/maintaining buffers, honestly. Work has been fine. Very slow, which is unusual Right before thanksgiving. We'll probably fill up literally the day before.

My cat has been extra clingy and vocal before feeding time. Sometimes I wonder if she threw up somewhere I cant find. She's not under fed by any means. (In fact, the vet might even say she's overweight at 10 pounds) Still trying to stay happy. This month has made it more difficult though. Can't say it's entirely my own fault though

December 5, I made creamed corn on thanksgiving and it came out FANTASTIC. Tasted just like bill Miller's recipe. I might stick to making this every year instead of a new desert. Saturday was the first day I had to wear long pants to work because it finally got cold... On the last day of November. I was back to shorts on Monday, but today was wet and rainy so I'm wearing pants again.

November flew by in the blink of an eye! I can't believe the year is almost over. I lazed around on Tuesday and did errands, and I spent a lot of time online ordering gifts for myself. I'm buying 4 shirts from redbubble. Two are fma related, one is stitch from lilo and stitch, and one is a "redo" of a kingdom hearts shirt I own, but the sleeves were too tight. I'm trying to get all "essential" style shirts instead of "classic", because I find their shirts are rather.... Thin? And the sleeves too short. Hopefully essential is the style that I like. I have one other kh shirt from them that I love, and it fits just fine. I cant remember what "type" of shirt it was, but it feels great and fits great. I also ordered them all in xl because I dont think I'm ever getting skinnier.

Yesterday, wed, Dec 4, maggie came over and spent the day with me. I drew one comic page and read entries from my middle/high school journals. I laughed until I cried, it was so funny. I also finished looking through all of the vsauce d.o.n.g.s, which was a new year's resolution of mine. It's about that time I start thinking of new ones for 2025. I think I'll brainstorm some here before making an official list.

As of today, december 5th, 2024, I have successfully maintained a streak on duolingo for 10 years. (And I only practice 2 languages (and am still not fluent in either)

December 15, It's only been ten days since I last wrote here, but it feels like a month. Work is unnervingly slow right now, but will ramp up this Friday. Can't believe christmas is in 10 days. I watched all of frieren; beyond journey's end. It's... Alright. Pretty middle of the road as far as story goes. Animation is nice, but that's a given nowadays. The story doesnt do anything groundbreaking or innovative so far. Maybe the manga is better? Overall, I just dont understand why it's currently number 1 on myanimelist (as if this site is the end all, say all on anime) I might watch season 2 when it comes out next year, but I'll probably explore other anime first.

I wrote 1.5k words of smut in 4 hours last night since I was drugged up on caffine and couldn't sleep. Ive been writing a bit more since rewatching fmab. Hope this motivation carries over with me into the new year. (I hope it just stays with me through Christmas, tbh) I saw wicked in theatres with my mom and her boyfriend. It was right before thanksgiving. It was good! Amazing choreography, beautiful sets and fantastic acting. Some of the songs went on for just a little too long (like dancing through life and defying gravity) but overall enjoyable experience. There's one line that sounds kinds low-key racist (the milk flowers one) and bok is way too tall to be a munchkinlander, but I'll probably go see part 2 next year.

Been spending a lot of money recently. Mostly on stuff for myself. Im trying to order a book from Japan. The seller is trusted, but shipping times are long and slow. I hope I didnt just throw away 33$ for nothing. (Im trying to order the book; fma chronicle. It is only printed in Japanese and French, and I am going to attempt to scan and translate the book myself since I can't find any translations online. I might end up buying the French version too in order to cross-reference translation accuracies. Wish me luck.) Caleb Joseph unlaunched his patreon again. Hope everything is alright with him. His dog died earlier this year and he's been struggling with finding work from the last I heard. Watched illumination's migration movie. It was really good! Fun colors and character design, simple story. I think I liked it better than orion and the dark. I liked all the characters, even uncle dan. Kinda weird how all the ducks had one syllable names. Totally clocked akwafina as the pigeon. Story is nothing remarkable, but done well. The music was astounding, then I learned it was by john powell, which tracks.

December 25, It's hell week at work! I actually got christmas day off, which is a first. Still hectic and not as organized as it could be. My back has been weirdly hurting a lot recently, but like, not in my neck or hips. It's smack dab in the middle of my ribs. Ive been trying to watch more anime. It's a new year's resolution for me. I finished frieren, and now am looking into neon genesis and hunter x hunter. Im liking the slower pacing of evangelion so far. Hunter x hunter is a little too cliche for me right now, but it's also an older anime so I know it's tropes and mannerisms weren't cliche at the time it was released. Still, I'm glad it's not dripping with irony poisoning. It's sincerity in it's tropes helps save it.

Nani had a medical emergency on the 16th, where it looked like her back legs suddenly gave out. I rushed her to an emergency vet almost half an hour from home, paid 1400 dollars for them to do every test they could, and came to the conclusion that she has early onset arthritis in her hips and knees. She's been on bed rest for the past week, being forced to stay in my room so she wont run around or jump off of things. I have to medicate her with gabapentin and prednisone. She's gotten a lot better in just one week, but may have a permanent limp now, and cant jump like she used to (she doesnt know that yet). I just hope she's not in pain.

Still been really obsessed with fma. I ordered two books to manually translate. One is in the og Japanese, the other is in French. They should both arrive in January.

December 31, Last day of the year. I get new year's eve and new year's day off this year. Kinda surreal. Nani is doing better, but I need to start looking into pain meds because she might have a permanent limp now. God! there's still so much I want to do! I can't believe 2025 starts tomorrow! Work STILL has been busy, even though christmas is over. My book from japan arrived! It was delivered on friday, but I was at work, so I had to drive out to the post office and manually pick it up. new experience for me, but not a very fun one. Gonna try and do a stream tonight and get next week's page done. I couldn't do one this week because of work. Still waiting on the french one to arrive. I don't have tracking information for that one, sadly, so who knows when it will get here. I don't like having my weekend days split up. It disorients me. Been watching a lot of netflix. I hope to do that more next year as I explore more anime (at least until I run out of choices on netflix and have to watch it illegally somewhere else)

Aaaand that’s pretty much all my biggest thoughts I had throughout the year. I definitely wrote more this year than last (and cut out a lot of personal stuff too). It’s always interesting to see what I focused on, or what concerned me the most over the course of the year through this look back. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I just remembered myself that I wanted to make a post on this very sketchy site called fanon.co. Basically, it’s a new website to host your fandom webcomics, but I am concerned about AI scraping, the lack of transparency on where the owners of this site are hosted, the fact that you can’t read any of the comics there without making an account, the fact that you cannot DELETE your account after it was made, and I am very curious as to how this website makes money because it doesn’t look obvious to me, which makes me think they are using our fan creations for ulterior purposes. Maybe I’ll work on that later this week.

#2024 year in review #new year's resolutions #year in review

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mademoiselle-cookie · 8 days ago

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Let's read Moriarty Volume 10

I was starting to think I wouldn't have to do a review while reading this volume. The story held up pretty well, the main character of the arc was treated with respect (*ahem* not like Sherlock *ahem*). All I got was mostly nitpicking. Depending on how you look at it, this entire review IS nitpicking. Except for a few things.

Down with the masks

THE moment that made me decide to review this volume.

Will has forgotten to wear a mask again (AGAIN!!!!!!!).

Yes, William is very handsome. But there are times when you have to hide that beauty. Like when you are in public under your secret identity.

The last time Will made that mistake, he got caught by Milverton. An information tycoon and THE blackmailing king. At some point, you have to learn from your mistakes.

William didn't even need to be there in person. Someone else could have taken his place, it would have reduced the chances of being recognized even more (he is a well-known and popular member of high society). His presence was not at all essential.

His lack of caution could have put him in great danger. What if someone recognized him in the crowd?

He is a criminal mastermind, normally he should only go into the field himself in case of extreme necessity. That's what Moriarty is supposed to be. He manipulates in the shadows and never gets his hands dirty himself.

ACAB

Quick question: since Will must already know that a cop was bribed/threatened to kill the witness, why didn't he think to send men to protect the MP's family? One of his men is the chief inspector, he could have informed him if William didn't already guess. Even without the bribes, the police have never been exemplary, no reason to trust them when lives are threatened.

The more I think about it, the less sense it makes.

Moran says that maybe they should support Whiteley if he passes William's test. He did. Why not protect him?

Will William and his team at least feel guilty because they could have done more to prevent this tragedy and continue on a less bloody path? I have my doubts.

Starsky and Hutch

Where is the second cop?

We don't see him at all anymore (even his corpse) and he's not mentioned anymore. Is he mentioned in a dialogue that the French version cut? Did the author just forget about him?

Whiteley

Not really a criticism, more of a discussion.

I don't understand why Whiteley immediately abandoned his project.

He could have continued to claim that the cop died with everyone else and blamed his political opponents behind it all. Or say that he killed the cop in self-defense, and passed himself off as a hero. Milverton would have tried to destroy everything, sure, but 1) Whiteley doesn't know that and 2) there are limits to what the tycoon can do, the MP is still considered a hero of the people despite the slander.

"Yes, but that's forgetting that Whiteley doesn't WANT to fight back. He feels guilty and wants to pay the price." That's true.

But how did Milverton and Sherlock guess that Whiteley would react exactly like that? People can react unpredictably in extreme situations.

Traumatic events can change people drastically. Look at Kuzco, he becomes nice at the end when he was a big jerk. And in a less happy version, D-16 in Transformers One. He goes from a loyal friend to a terrorist who kills and abandons his best friend.

"Yes, but there were warning signs for them." Not for Kuzco. But I agree about D-16. I will counter, however, that there were also warning signs for Whiteley.

We have seen him lie and accept being booed, all to protect innocents. We have seen him use confidential information to blackmail his opponents. He is capable of getting his hands dirty for the greater good.

He could have continued despite the guilt. He killed the policeman to accomplish his revenge, knowing that his family is being held hostage. So he can continue to bear the weight of his crime to get revenge on the instigators of these murders.

(Well, I know why he didn't outside of plot reasons

He's not as good as the protagonists, of course)

Palpatox

Milverton's plan to get an innocent man to commit a crime is full of holes. Maybe Whiteley would have been paralyzed by the tragedy and wouldn't have killed the cop. Maybe he would have felt sorry for his situation since the cop was ordered to confess that his own family is being held hostage.

It would have been smarter to order the cop to say nothing. That would have risked attracting the MP's sympathy. Staying silent would have been more logical and annoying. Someone who slaughters your entire family and refuses to say why, that can be a driving force for murder.

Honestly, it wouldn't have been more tragic and horrible if Milverton had kidnapped Whiteley's family to force him to obey his orders, pitting his love for his family against his ideological struggle? His family being the driving force and motivation behind his fight vs the greater good.

William

I would have liked a passage (a real passage, not just one single line) where William thinks about the possibility that he is useless and that maybe things will work out without him. Would he be happy? Sad? Angry?

On the one hand, all his work would have been for nothing while his whole life revolves around this project. On the other hand, there will be less bloodshed, no need to sully his soul or risk his life or those of his friends.

He is the MC after all, what does he think about this whole thing?

Imagine if, unconsciously, William had willingly let Whiteley's family get massacred. He didn't want to protect him or help what could put a brake on his project. Because William dedicated his life to his own project, everything revolves around it: his personality, his skills, his past, his visions for the future…

Another possibility: Whiteley who loses his mind and decides to become more radical in his fight. Who goes way too far, becoming a hindrance to his own ideal, to the point that the heroes are forced to eliminate him, he who was a symbol of hope. All because they failed to protect him. That would have been delicious.

But here, William loses nothing, emotionally or materially. Quite the opposite, Whiteley's death serves his plan, and rids him of a rival (on the meta level). He is the hero who will save England, no one else.

It's a shame that he is so distant from his own story. He seems like a side character, even tertiary: he has no flaws, we never see him thought, he has no arc…

A hero makes choices, they have difficulties, they evolve…

Will's difficulties are of the anecdotal order. He is always perfect, he is (almost) always right. He never doubts.

And it wastes a lot of psychological potential!

We also had this problem with the Jack the Ripper case, which had been a very very obvious parallel with the heroes: an organized group ready to commit atrocities to improve society (even the characters say so!). It had been an opportunity for them:

to reflect on the horror of what they inspired,

to know how far they themselves are ready to go,

to question themselves on what they have already done (that famous drunkard they helped to kill)...

But it is just presented as the enemies are big buffoons not as competent and intelligent as the heroes.

Mycroft

It's good that the author included that Sherlock is less intelligent than his brother, because that's the case in the books. Except that there are two problems:

Mycroft in the books doesn't do anything, so even if Sherlock is less brilliant, he acts. So his brother doesn't really come out on top,

Sherlock in this manga has already been beaten up over and over again by other characters. Him being humiliated again by someone is not interesting.

This Mycroft doesn't seem at all like the type who goes to this type of club for antisocials. I really hope that it would be of interest later, and that it's not just a reference that serves no purpose.

Sherlock (again)

I still have a problem with this Sherlock. He's just an asshole.

There are some things you don't need to understand or accept to respect them. If people come to talk to no one, don't yell at people. The poor guy Sherlock had zeroed in on must have felt both stressed and humiliated by the situation. This scene serves no purpose other than to show that Sherlock is an asshole. He simply behaves like a bully.

At this point, I should have gotten used to it but I really can't accept this version of Sherlock. The original is sometimes rude, often disorganized, but he is a gentleman. He is certainly not vulgar.

I can totally accept that there are changes in an adaptation. I don't mind that Robert Downey Jr's movie does something equivalent. Because 1) he's funny 2) he's the main character and no one steals the show or is 1000 times better than him and 3) he's not as horrible as this interpretation.

The qualities of this Sherlock are the same as those of other characters, but worse. Characters who have more qualities and fewer flaws than Sherlock.

It doesn't make him endearing, fascinating or threatening. He just seems stupid and quite detestable, while he's Will's nemesis! And that's a choice on the author's part! The original is not like that. The only reason I see behind such a strange decision is to highlight William compared to the iconic figure of Sherlock Holmes.

EXCEPT THAT!

You see the value of a character in the value of his adversary. By wanting to make Will super cool compared to Sherlock, the author lowered the value of his main character.

It's sad that in a story based on the Sherlock Holmes universe, Sherlock is one of his biggest flaws.

This scene comes just after William offered to kill Whiteley, sacrificing his morals for the common good and to relieve the deputy's guilt, and that Whiteley's last thoughts are to thank Will's greatness (not even his murdered relatives).

The first time we see Sherlock in this volume, he gets yelled at for not cleaning. Then, he pisses off poor people and gets humiliated by his brother.

What a contrast.

Big Bang Theory

There are probably multiple factors that Sherlock simply doesn't know. He doesn't know the MP, he can only rely on his reputation (good idea when the information tycoon tries to ruin his image. At least it shows his efficiency). Maybe Whiteley wasn't as innocent as he seemed but he hid his game well.

He also doesn't know the Lord of Crime. He just has suspicions about his identity, but he doesn't know who and how many make up his organization, or how it is organized. Sherlock doesn't know if these men are loyal to William, if there are tensions between the members, different opinions or visions, if there are several leaders… All the elements that could motivate a change of methods or strategies.

Also, the Lord of Crime is a serial killer.

Sherlock idealizes a murderer way too much. Maybe the Lord of Crime is not a real vigilante. Maybe the power has gone to his brain. Maybe he wanted to eliminate a competitor for the position of "savior of England".

For once, we have real explanations, it's less "we gave the characters the script" like with Jack the Ripper. On the other hand, they are not for the readers, we already know what happened. They are there just to explain Sherlock's train of thought. But they still lack substance. When Sherlock talks about the bodyguard as a possible real murderer, he could make the connection with the policeman corrpted to assassinate an inconvenient witness. Logical, fluid, But strangely nothing.

Imagine we don't know what happened, we just followed Sherlock's point of view from the beginning. Would his explanation hold water? It may be that the murderer is the deputy's second-in-command - Sherlock doesn't know him, that would be a possibility.

Honestly, if the author is going to humiliate Sherlock and put him in the wrong, why not make him doubt the Lord of Crime?

Lord of Crime

At what point is anyone going to judge the Lord of Crime (among those who know) for killing someone to "help" them? Or for using crime to improve society? No one to say that it's nonsense? Not necessarily from an objective point of view, but at least from a difference of opinion.

Normally, someone is bound to disagree with the idea of using murder and violence to bring peace and prosperity to the country.

Instead, everyone treats it as a noble sacrifice, a difficult decision that will hurt William but is unfortunately necessary.

Me right now:

Politics

I complain again about the author's lack of complexity and research, but the fact that we don't really see Whiteley playing politics really hurts the credibility. It's his weapon and his battlefield.

Maybe I get this impression because William didn't move his ass to protect him, or because Milverton personally doesn't care about the equality - or not - of the system, but his failure feels very situational. Maybe someone luckier (or someone without a family) could have done it. While this is an arc that should have shown that the legal and honest way doesn't work, so a more radical method is needed*.

Whiteley is not destroyed by the system he is fighting, he just got unlucky. I know Milverton is hired by the House of Lords, but he is another player, someone external. If William and co. had protected Whiteley and his family, the MP could have continued his fight.

Whereas if the system, and not Milverton, was the problem, he would have been crushed more. He would have held on, but we would see the suffering, the frustration, and we would see why, despite his good intentions and great skills, it is not enough.

We could have kept the massacred family in this context, as the final nail in his coffin. And that would have made his reaction to their deaths (and Milverton's prediction) more logical. Even admitting that the policeman's family is being held hostage would have made sense.

It would have made William's decision to use crime more logical, and would seem like the only solution. While improving his image even more, because he would be the one and only person helping a character we would really care about, and his death would indeed seem like a deliverance.

Because in the end, losing your temper “only” because your family was killed – even in a horrible way – and killing people afterwards, that’s been done before. Anakin did it in Attack of the Clones in 2002.

(And overall, the arc should have been longer. Compiled with the previous volume, the Whiteley case lasts a volume max. At least to get attached to the deputy's family. I was neither sad nor shocked by their deaths, while it is Whiteley's tipping point. Introduced at the beginning of the volume and killed halfway through, it doesn't make attachment easy.

We could have at least had a moment with the maid and the cops. They ask her for her experienced opinion on the situation, her boss, the kid (what happened to him), etc. They themselves would talk about their family (wink wink)… So that we have a real moment with her, and we would get a little more attached to the cops, so what happens to the murderer will be even more tragic.)

*The idea that only the path of crime can bring about an era of peace and equality has already been ruined with Will's trial, but that's beside the point.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

This is not a criticism specific to Moriarty The Patriot but to all stories that use this type of "reasoning".

Sherlock and his brother's analysis of the grieving father is nonsense. As are the phone chargers in BBC Sherlock. The father may have lost someone else (a parent, a sibling, a friend), maybe one or both of the children are not his, and the toys are gifts for someone else's children.

How did you get to this conclusion???

At this point I can also come out with my theory: he killed his wife. He knows how to kill thanks to his military career bt regrets it now that he had to take care of the child alone.

Bonus

Why does this volume have a reversible cover with William on the back? Why, when it's Mrs. Hudson's turn, was it decided to also put the protagonist?

I'm reading this manga thanks to my local library, and you know which part they decided to put visible? William, obviously. I learned from the jokes at the end that the person on the cover was supposed to be Mrs. Hudson and I didn't understand anything. (That was NOT the volume to include this kind of joke)

Apparently, the rule for the cover is for odd-numbered volumes, one person from Moriarty's side, and for even-numbered volumes, one from Sherlock's side.

It's weird that it was when the character was a woman and an ally of Sherlock that there was the possibility to put the protagonist instead. It couldn't wait for the next volume. Now we have 3 Moriarty guys in a row (and no woman).

The Mrs Hudson one is so much better

#I like pink #and why William has red eyes?#yuukoku no moriarty #moriarty the patriot #critical analysis #manga #sherlock holmes

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pixel7777 · 1 month ago

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The Downside of Daring Rescues Chapter 16: Back to Black

🖤 A sudden betrayal throws everything into chaos, forcing the party to act fast as their carefully laid plans unravel. Desperation, fury, and a promise made in the dark drive Darla forward, but can she stay one step ahead of the shadows closing in? 🖤✨

Read here below the break or on AO3!

If you’re feeling as stressed as Darla right now, remember: we’re barreling toward a happy ending. Only two chapters left, and I can’t wait to hear your thoughts as we approach the finale! Please reblog, reply, or leave a comment and kudos on AO3—they mean the world to me.

Astarion shifted carefully on the narrow cot, mindful not to disturb Darla. The storage closet in Danthelon's Dancing Axe wasn't exactly luxurious accommodations, but it offered something far more precious—safety. For now.

Even without Vellioth's looming threat, Baldur's Gate held no welcome for him. The Patriars had made certain of that, plastering his likeness across the city with warnings about the dangerous spawn of the recently exposed vampire lord Cazador. Their swift action spoke volumes about their fear—not of what he might do to expose them, but of what Vellioth might do to them if they didn't bring Astarion to heel.

They were caught between the proverbial rock and hard place, and Astarion might have felt sorry for them if they weren't such repulsive bastards. Nevertheless, they were disappointingly effective bastards.

Outside Candlekeep's enlightened walls, he was reduced to a simple creature classification: vampire spawn. As if those two words could encompass everything he was, everything he'd survived, everything he'd become. The thought drew a quiet, bitter laugh.

Darla stirred slightly at the sound but didn't wake, her breathing remaining slow and steady. Her dark hair spilled across the pillow they shared, and her face held that peculiar softness that came after lovemaking. Astarion traced the curve of her cheek with his gaze, noting the slight furrow in her brow that suggested she wasn't deeply asleep.

How strange that here, in this glorified cupboard that smelled of old leather and lamp oil, he felt more at home than he had in centuries. The intimacy of the moment struck him—not just the physical closeness, but the trust implied by Darla's relaxed posture against him, the way she'd curled into his cold body without hesitation. With her, he'd been a person almost from the start, no official declarations from Candlekeep required.

Perhaps not a person she liked, at first, but a person, not just a spawn, from that moment she'd opened his manacles and left him to fend for himself.

The thought of his fellow spawn pulled Astarion's mind from contemplation of the past to his worries about the future. Petras—arrogant, newly-turned Petras with his gaudy doublet and clumsy mannerisms—was just the beginning. A pale shadow of what awaited them in those dungeons.

At least Petras could still form coherent sentences. Could still remember what it meant to be a person, even if he wasn't particularly good at it. The others... Astarion's fingers curled against his palm, nails biting into flesh as memories surfaced.

The party testified so confidently of his recovery at Candlekeep. Even Syl, usually so sharp-eyed, bought the performance. They saw what he wanted them to see—the witty, seductive (and beautiful, of course) vampire who'd overcome his past through sheer force of will. Who needed only a bit of blood and some friendly companionship to become whole again.

Darla shifted against him, and his throat tightened. She, at least, had glimpsed the truth. Had felt him freeze when she touched him a certain way, had seen him retreat into himself during moments of intimacy. She never pressed, never demanded explanations. Just waited, patient and present, until he found his way back to her.

But even Darla didn't understand the full extent of it. How could she? He'd spent over a century perfecting the art of appearing… fine. Of hiding the cracks that ran soul-deep.

And now they spoke of saving hundreds of spawn, each one more damaged than the last. Some would be beyond reaching—he knew this with bone-deep certainty.

The words of Candlekeep's declaration echoed in his mind: "Vampire spawn, being possessed of reason, free will, and demonstrable capacity for moral choice..." He met those criteria, at least. Mostly. Sometimes his choices weren't exactly moral, but he could make them. Could choose to be better than his base instincts demanded.

But those others, locked away in Cazador's dungeon... How many of them would qualify? He'd experienced what a year in a crypt had done to his mind. These spawn had endured decades, perhaps centuries, sealed in darkness. Who knew if they had been fed at all. Rats were disgusting but they were still food.

A harsh laugh caught in his throat. He'd been privileged, hadn't he? Hunting marks through Baldur's Gate's streets, playing his little games of seduction. Even the torture had been... interactive. Social, in its own twisted way. He'd maintained language, reason, wit—if only to avoid worse punishment.

But the sacrificial spawn? Some might never have spoken a word since their turning. Might not remember what words were. Their worlds likely consisted of four stone walls and occasional visits from their killer.

He couldn't voice these doubts—not to Darla, who believed so firmly in redemption, not to Master Adelie, whose academic passion might waver in the face of such danger, and not even to Dal, who needed to believe they could save their siblings.

They needed everyone invested in this rescue. The Harpers, the scholars, even the kitchen staff who'd agreed to help feed recovered spawn. If they suspected the truth—that some of these "persons under Candlekeep law" might be beyond reaching—their resolve might falter.

His fingers found Darla's hair in the darkness, letting the soft strands ground him in the present. He had to try and give the others their chance at freedom, even if they failed.

Darla stirred beside him, her warmth a stark contrast to his own temperature. "What time is it?" Her voice was rough with sleep. "Have you finished your reverie?"

"Not exactly." Astarion kept his tone light, pushing away the darker threads of his thoughts. "Just thinking."

"About?" She propped herself up on one elbow, and even in the dim light he could see the concern in her eyes.

He waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, you know. The usual. Dashing rescues, heroic speeches, perhaps a dramatic sword fight or two." The lie came easily, practiced as breathing—or what breathing used to be, at any rate.

Her knowning smile made his chest tight with guilt. "We're going to help them, you know. All of them."

The pure hope in her voice made him cringe internally. Sweet, naive Darla, still believing every story could have a happy ending if you just tried hard enough.

"You know what Jaheira said to me, when I told her who, exactly, I wanted her help saving this time?" Darla's impression of the druid's stern tone was surprisingly accurate. "'They say that the only thing a vampire can feel is hunger. Nothing else touches them, not grief or mercy or any sense of what is just. Who knows? There is often more ignorance than insight in what they say.'"

She squeezed his hand. "See? Even the Harpers are coming around. If legendary monster hunters can change their minds about vampire spawn, anyone can."

Astarion managed a smile, though it felt brittle. "Well, who could resist my charms?" The deflection came automatically, easier than acknowledging how her words—and Jaheira's unexpected defense—touched something raw and hopeful inside him.

Astarion leaned in, cutting off further discussion with a kiss. Guilt pricked at him for using intimacy to avoid difficult truths, but Darla's immediate response—soft and eager against his lips—scattered his darker thoughts.

"Quite enough talk of Harpers and heroics for one night, don't you think?" He traced her jaw with cool fingers. "I can think of far more interesting ways to pass the time."

"Can you now?" Darla's breath caught as he nipped gently at her throat. "And here I thought you'd finished with me for the evening."

"Finished with you?" He drew back, affecting an expression of wounded pride. "My dear, when have you ever known me to leave a task half-done?"

Her laugh warmed him more than blood ever could. "Task? Is that what I am now?"

"The most delightful sort." He caught her hand, pressing kisses to each fingertip. "One I intend to devote my complete attention to."

Darla's free hand found his hair, fingers threading through the silver-white strands. "You're impossible."

"Mmm. And yet here you are."

Her touch was gentle, accepting—everything he'd never dared hope for during those endless years under Cazador. She saw him, knew what he was, and still welcomed him into her arms without reservation.

"Here I am," she agreed softly, rising from her pillow for another kiss.

Astarion eased Darla back against the cot, his lips never leaving hers. The kiss deepened, a slow, languid exploration that held none of the desperate hunger of their first encounters. Weeks of shared intimacy had taught him her preferences—the slight hitch in her breath when he grazed her throat with his teeth, the way her fingers tightened in his hair when he trailed kisses down her collarbone.

Her hands roamed his back, tracing the scars that crisscrossed his skin. He arched into her touch, a silent offering of trust.

(Trust. Such a small word for something so monumental. He'd thought he'd forgotten how to feel it, yet here he was, baring his back—his past—to her without a second thought.)

Darla's legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, inviting him to press into her warmth and her wet. He could feel her heartbeat, steady and strong, against his chest. A stark reminder of the life that coursed through her, the warmth that he could never quite reach.

Never quite reach, yet never quite resist. Her warmth was a beacon, drawing him in despite the futility of his chase.

His hands found the soft curves her breasts. He took his time, exploring every inch of exposed skin with lips and tongue. Her breath hitched as he circled her nipple, teasing it to a peak before moving to the other.

"Astarion..." His name on her lips was a plea, a demand. He smiled against her skin, delighting in the power he held over her in these moments.

(Power. Another word that had shifted in meaning. Once, it had been about control, domination. Now, it was about this—the ability to draw forth her desires, to satisfy them, to leave her gasping and sated.)

He trailed kisses down her stomach, pausing at the junction of her thighs. Her legs parted in silent invitation, and he obliged. His fingers traced the curve of her calf, the line of her thigh, before settling at the apex of her legs.

Her gasp filled the small room as he licked and stroked her, fingers and lips circling the sensitive nub until her hips moved restlessly, then letting her grind against the heal of his palm while his fingers worked inside her. He watched her face, drinking in every flicker of emotion—the parted lips, the fluttering eyelids, the flush that spread across her cheeks.

(Beautiful. She was always beautiful, but never more so than in these moments, when she was laid bare before him, trusting him with her pleasure.)

He shifted, positioning himself between her legs. Her eyes fluttered open, meeting his gaze with a mix of anticipation and affection. He entered her slowly, savoring the sensation of her body yielding to his. Her legs wrapped around him again, urging him deeper.

Their movements were synchronized, a dance they'd perfected over weeks of shared nights. Each thrust was met with a roll of her hips, each withdrawal with a tightening of her cunt, as if she couldn't bear to let him go.

He leaned down, capturing her lips in a searing kiss. Her nails dug into his back, a sharp contrast to the softness of her mouth. His rhythm quickened, driven by the sounds of her pleasure, the feel of her body against his. Her breath came in short gasps, her head arching back against the pillow. He could feel her climax building, her body tensing around him.

He buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent. Not the coppery tang of blood, but something sweeter, something uniquely Darla. His fangs ached with the need to taste her, but he resisted, focusing instead on the sensation of her body against his, the sound of her breath in his ear.

Astarion let his lips trail down Darla's throat, feeling her pulse quicken under his touch. He marveled at her trust, the way she tilted her head to grant him better access, knowing full well what he was—what he could do.

Her fingers tangled in his hair, tugging lightly, urging him on. "Astarion," she whispered, her voice hoarse with need. "Please..."

He knew what she wanted. The same thing he craved—that intimate connection, the ultimate trust. He slowed his pace and drew back slightly, looking into her eyes. They were dark with desire, yes, but also soft with something deeper. Something that made his chest ache.

"Are you sure?" he asked, his voice barely more than a murmur. Always the question, always the chance for her to refuse. He needed her to know she had a choice, always.

Her smile was tender, her fingers brushing his cheek. "Always," she replied, tilting her head to expose her throat fully.

He kissed along her neck, searching for his favorite spot and then sank his fangs into her flesh, slowly, gently, feeling her body tense then relax against him. Her blood flowed into him, rich and warm and alive. It was sustenance, yes, but it was more than that. It was acceptance, it was trust, it was...

Darla's moan brought him back to the present, her body arching against his as he drank from her. He could feel her pleasure as if it were his own, each pull at her vein echoing the rhythm of their joined bodies. He moved slowly, deliberately, savoring every sensation.

Her hands clutched at his back, her breath coming in quick gasps. He could feel her climax building again, could taste it in her blood. He drew back slightly, licking the wound to seal it, then captured her mouth in a fierce kiss while his hips rolled in the rhythm he knew she needed.

She cried out against his lips, her body convulsing around him. He swallowed her cries, his own release following swiftly, a wave of pleasure that left him shaking.

They lay entwined, their breaths mingling, their hearts—well, her heart—beating as one. He could feel her emotions, raw and open, flowing into him like her blood. It was terrifying. It was exhilarating.

Then, softly, so softly he almost didn't hear it, she whispered, "I love you."

He stilled, those three little words echoing through him like thunder. She loved him. Darla Daring, bard extraordinaire, hero in the making, loved him. Astarion, the vampire spawn, the monster, the...

(The what? No, the who. Who was he, really? Who could he be, with her?)

She seemed to realize what she'd said, her eyes widening slightly. But she didn't look away, didn't take it back. She just watched him, her expression open, vulnerable.

He couldn't say it. Not yet. The words caught in his throat, refused to form on his lips. But he could show her. He could make her feel it, make her see it, make her know it.

He kissed her again, pouring everything he couldn't say into that kiss. He let his hands roam her body, not with desire this time, but with reverence. With wonder. With...

(With love. Yes, with love. He could admit it, here, in the quiet of his own mind. He loved her.)

Her eyes fluttered closed, a soft sigh escaping her lips. She saw it, didn't she? She knew. She had to know.

Astarion pulled back slightly, his fingers tracing idle patterns on her skin. "Say you know?"

"Know what?" Darla's eyes fluttered open and sparkled with mischief. "That I'm the one good with words in this relationship?"

He scoffed, affecting an expression of wounded pride. "I beg your pardon? My lines are masterful. Poetry, really."

"Oh yes, very poetic." She pitched her voice lower in a deliberately terrible impression of his accent. "'What's a nice elf like you doing in a place like this?'"

"I never said that." He propped himself up on one elbow, glaring down at her. "I have standards."

"'Every part of your perfect body whispers temptation. It's as if the gods made you to ruin me?'" She dissolved into giggles at his expression.

"That worked, didn't it?" He captured her hand, pressing a kiss to her palm. "As I recall, you were quite eager to ruin me."

"Until you tried to kill me."

"A minor detail." His thumb traced circles on her wrist. "And look how well it all turned out."

Her free hand found his face, cupping his cheek. Her expression softened, the teasing light in her eyes replaced by something deeper. "Yes," she said quietly. "I know."

The simple words wrapped around his heart like a warm blanket. She knew. She understood what he couldn't say, what he wasn't ready to voice. The tension he hadn't realized he'd been holding melted away.

* * *

Darla lounged on a rickety chair in Danthelon's basement, one foot propped on the planning table while she jotted lyrics in her notebook. The words wouldn't come. Every line about heroic deeds and daring rescues felt hollow now that she understood the weight of what lay ahead.

Across the table, Astarion traced routes through the palace blueprints with his fingertip, pausing occasionally to exchange quiet words with Thal about chokepoints. Syl hunched over a collection of scrolls, muttering incantations under her breath as she selected spells for the assault. Zee sorted through their collection of magical rings, comparing inventory to the planned need.

The trap door above them crashed open. Jaheira dropped into the basement, barely touching the ladder rungs in her descent. Her usual composure had shattered.

"Pack up. Now. We need to leave." Jaheira's voice cracked with urgency.

Darla's notebook tumbled from her hands. "What's wrong?"

"No time. Get your things." Jaheira strode to the weapon rack, grabbing spare crossbow bolts.

"But the plan—" Darla started.

"Move!" Jaheira's command brooked no argument.

The group scrambled into action. Darla shoved her notebook into her pack while scanning the room for anything essential they couldn't leave behind. Syl rolled up her scrolls with practiced efficiency. Zee swept the rings into a velvet pouch. Thal grabbed their healing potions.

Astarion stood frozen over the blueprints until Jaheira physically pulled him away from the table. "Leave them. Take only what you can carry quickly."

The panic in Jaheira's voice sent ice through Darla's veins. She'd never seen the Harper leader this rattled.

Darla snatched her cloak from its hook, fingers fumbling with the clasp as Jaheira's explanation sent chills down her spine.

"The Harpers escorting Petras missed their check-in at the southern safehouse." Jaheira helped Zee secure the ring pouch to his belt. "When my people investigated, they found three dead agents. No Petras."

Astarion's hands stilled on his own cloak. "And the ring?"

"Left behind."

Darla's stomach twisted as she watched Syl carefully wrap her scrolls in oilcloth. They'd given Petras one of their precious rings, meant to shield him from Vellioth's control, and then tried to see him to safety. Now it felt like they'd handed him the key to their undoing.

"My wizard examined similar rings in the market." Jaheira checked the ladder's stability. "Found cursed duplicates mixed in with legitimate stock. We believe they alert someone when a spawn attunes to them."

"Vellioth." The name fell from Darla's lips like a curse. "Or the Patriars. They noticed us buying up rings and magical supplies."

"Both, likely." Jaheira gestured them toward the ladder. "Move."

Darla's mind raced as she climbed. Once the ring was removed, Petras would have no choice but to tell Vellioth what he knew. Petras knew didn't know everything but—this hideout, at least some of their plans, the names of Harper contacts.

The storeroom above felt suffocating despite its size. Thal pulled the hatch closed while Zee pressed his ear to the door, listening for movement in the store.

"They have our location," Darla whispered, voicing what everyone must be thinking. "They know what we're planning."

Astarion's expression hardened. "Then we've lost our advantage of surprise."

"We've lost everything," Jaheira corrected. "Including time. Move."

The door burst inward, crushing Zee against the wall. Darla's fingers found her rapier as mercenaries poured into the storeroom, their weapons already drawn.

"Down!" Jaheira shouted, shoving Darla aside as a crossbow bolt whizzed past.

The storeroom erupted into chaos. Steel clashed against steel, the confined space making proper swordwork nearly impossible. Darla's elbow smashed into a shelf as she parried a blade, sending leather goods tumbling. The mercenary pressed forward, forcing her back between racks of armor.

A flash of purple light lit the room. Jaheira crumpled, her warning cry cut short by whatever spell had struck her. Darla gasped—she'd never seen the Harper leader fall in battle before.

"Cover Syl!" Thal called out, but it was too late. Another spell caught the wizard mid-incantation. Syl collapsed across a display of shields, her scrolls scattering across the floor.

The mercenaries grew bold, pressing their advantage. A burly human laughed as he advanced on Darla, clearly enjoying the tight quarters that negated her nimble fighting style.

The shop's front door exploded inward. Harper agents swarmed through the entrance, their distinctive pins glinting in the lamplight. The odds shifted instantly.

"Take the spawn!" A mercenary commander shouted. Their tactics changed, abandoning the attempt to kill everyone in favor of escaping with their prime target.

Darla's blood ran cold as she spotted a robed figure weaving through the chaos toward Astarion. The scene was horrifyingly familiar—just like during the ambush on the Coast Way. The spellcaster's hands were already moving in the distinctive pattern of Dimension Door.

"No!" Darla lunged forward, but a mercenary's blade forced her back. She couldn't reach them in time.

Darla's heart stopped as Astarion spun to face the approaching spellcaster, his daggers flashing in the lamplight. He ducked the mage's grasping hands, a familiar dance from their encounter on the Coast Way. But in avoiding one threat, he missed another.

A mercenary's club caught him from behind. Astarion crumpled, his daggers clattering to the floor. The spellcaster's hands completed their arcane pattern.

"No!" Darla screamed as purple light engulfed both figures. Then they were gone, leaving only empty air where Astarion had stood.

The mercenaries began falling back, but Harper agents blocked their retreat. Darla barely registered Thal shouting about taking prisoners. All she could see was that horrible chamber in Szarr Palace—Astarion hanging from rusted manacles, his beautiful body made a ruin. She'd sworn never to let anyone hurt him like that again.

Her vision tunneled. The rapier felt wrong in her hand—too light, too clean. She needed something heavier, something that could make these people hurt the way they'd hurt him.

"Darla, we need one alive!" Thal's voice seemed distant.

She lunged at the nearest mercenary, abandoning technique for raw fury. Her opponent's blade sliced past her guard. Pain exploded across her temple.

The world went sideways and blurred in a kaleidoscope of colors.

When her vision returned, the last of the mercenaries had been taken down. Harper healers moved through the wreckage of the store and storeroom. Jaheira sat propped against a wall while someone bandaged her arm. Syl gathered her scattered scrolls with shaking hands. Zee nursed a bloody nose.

But no Astarion.

The empty space where he should have been felt like a wound in the air itself.

* * *

Written in an unsteady hand, ink blotched and smeared in places

Advantages we've lost:

I should have seen this coming. Should have known that buying up every single Ring of Mind Shielding in the city and beyond would be noticed. Some hero I am—I had promised Petras safety. And now...

A large ink blot mars the page

Astarion's alive. He has to be alive. Vellioth needs him for the ritual. Five pieces of the contract completed, and Astarion has one of them carved into his back. Vellioth needs him or needs to replace all the spawn Astarion lured.

(But Cazador kept him alive for 120 years while torturing him)

NO. Stop. Think.

Astarion survived Cazador. He's stronger than anyone I know. Cleverer. More resilient. Whatever they do to him, he'll endure until we get there. And then...

The writing becomes darker, more forceful

I'll make them pay. Every cut, every burn, every moment of pain—I'll return it tenfold. No more pretty songs about justice. No more playing the shining hero. They want to see a monster? I'll show them one.

Gods, I love him. I love him and I failed him.

What a fool I've been.

The writing grows shaky again

Please let him still be there when we find him. Please let there be enough of him left to save.

I promise I'll do better this time. I'll be the hero he needs, not the one I wanted to be. Whatever it takes.

Several lines are scratched out violently

Need to focus. Need to plan. Need to...

I can't lose him. I can't.

#bg3 #astarion #bg3 fanfic #myfic

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thesidemascots · 1 month ago

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THE MILLION POUND DROP! (Sidemascots 2.1)

Stay tuned for a poll at the end!

Sumi: But since this is a Skibidi show, it’s now the Million ROBUX Drop!

Everyone: WHAT?

Vinicius: No one except you played Roblox!

Sumi: Sorry, Vini, pounds aren’t skibidi gyatt ohio rizz enough.

Vinicius: What happened to you, Sumi…

Olympic Phryge: It’s the Paralympic Phryge situation all over again…

THE SIDEMASCOTS!

Vinicius: Season 2! New episodes whatever! Sacha’s place is still vacant until she’s willing to wear her casual clothes on camera! ACTION!

Sumi: What about…

Vinicius: ACTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Mandeville: Welcome everyone to the Million Pound Drop! I mean the million Robux drop! Sorry, it’s still a long way to go from familiarizing the name… Our first pair is Vinicius and Sumi!

Vinicius: Siu!

Sumi: Skidibi rizz gyatt ohio sigma!

Mandeville: How old do you think you are? 7?

Sumi: Woof woof woof woof!

Mandeville: Sigh… okay, idiots! Listen up! 1,000,000 Robux is on your table! Answer eight multiple-choice questions and keep how much money you have left! You answer questions by distributing the money to the answers you think are best! But you must leave one answer empty! Any money that is on the wrong answer is DROPPED! If you’re out of money, you’re out of the game! Got it!

Vinicius: Got it!

Sumi: Not skibidi enough!

Mandeville: Shut up! Let’s play… the Million Robux Drop! Two topics: Gen Z or Gen Alpha?

Vinicius: We’re both Gen Z so…

Sumi: GEN ALPHA! SKIBIDI SIGMA BOY!

Vinicius: What have you done…

Mandeville: Gen Alpha it is! Anyone under 16 please cover your ears… What is brainrot? How can we describe it? Is it A: A sign of a nervous system deteriorating due to watching too much stupid content? B: Another way to explain Alzheimer’s. C: A period between a healthy brain and brain death. Or D: Rizz Sigma Ohio Fanum Tax Skibidi

(Everyone laughed)

Mandeville: 1 minute: go!

Vinicius: I think A is reasonable.

Sumi: A IS NOT SKIBIDI ENOUGH!

Vinicius: Blah, blah, blah, Sumi, you’re such a douchebag.

Sumi: Let’s put 1,000,000 into answer D!

Vinicius: I’d rather bet 1,000,000 on A.

Sumi: D!

Vinicius: A!

Sumi: D!

Vinicius: A!

Mandeville: Time’s a ticking.

Vinicius: How about we put half of them in A and half of them in D?

Sumi: NO!

Vinicius: Whatever, Sumi! I don’t want to waste any more time anyway!

Sumi: YIPPEE! (places 1,000,000 on answer D)

Mandeville: Time’s up. It looks like your “brainrot” friend decides to wager all money into D…

(Everyone laughed)

Sumi: Trust me, I’m the most skibidi person in the world!

(Everyone laughed harder)

Vinicius: Hmph!

Mandeville: Alright, let’s start with the obvious… answer B… dropped! Don’t you ever THINK of making fun of people who are struggling with their memory, you two!

Vinicius: …

Sumi: I love demonetization!

Mandeville: Editor, can you uh… cut that, please? Answer C… dropped! To be fair, it would be funny for nurses to say that their brains are rotting.

(There was a silence)

Mandeville: Finally, only A and D are left. And the right answer is…

Vinicius: …

Mandeville: A!

Vinicius: YES!

Sumi: WHAT? NOT SKIBIDI ENOUGH!

Mandeville: This show is for good boys and girls only. Go and learn what 9+10 is you brainrot!

Sumi: I’m suing these people! You’re gonna pay!

Mandeville: Good luck! I have lawyers from Manchester!

Sumi: Oh sh*t.

(Everyone laughed)

[Transistion]

Mandeville: Next up, Honohon and Miraitowa!

Burke: What? Not me and Mirai? Boooooooooooo!

Mandeville: Your two topics are: Sports or Manga?

Honohon: I’ve only started reading the first volume of One Piece. I don’t know how many volumes it has currently.

Miraitowa: I have difficulty understanding lore… Sports it is!

Mandeville: Ahem… Who won the 2024 World Series? A. New York Yankees B. Atlanta Braves C. Texas Rangers or D. LA Dodgers? Go!

Burke: I kn-

Vinicius: Shhhhhh…

Miraitowa: Okay, I know I’m addicted to baseball but I only watch the NPB, not MLB!

Honohon: Me too.

Miraitowa: Maybe choose the best answer by popularity?

Honohon: Sure, A and D seem very popular.

Miraitowa: I’ve seen A’s hat insignia more on merchandise.

Honohon: I’ve seen D’s too as equal to A's!

Miraitowa: Let’s just split evenly between them. It won’t break the rules.

Honohon: Sure!

Mandeville: Seconds remain… Time’s up! Congratulations! You’ve picked the right finalists for last year’s World Series (seriously why do I have to know stuff about the sports I don’t particularly love). Because of that, B and C are DROPPED!

Miraitowa and Honohon: Yippee!

Burke: You idiots! We’ll come back this year! Just like Atlanta United! You’ll see! YOU’LL SEE!!!

Mandeville: Classic Baseball fan. And the winner of the 2024 World Series is…

Miraitowa: We’ll keep 500,000 and move on.

Mandeville: LA Dodge- Oh yeah you’re right, you’re already guaranteed that sum of money.

(Everyone laughed)

(Miraitowa and Honohon high fives)

Burke: Pffffffffffft…

Mandeville: Next question before we switch topics… What cursed Hanshin Tigers to their championship drought in 1985?

Miraitowa: Hehehe… don’t you know…

Miraitowa and Honohon: WE’RE JAPANESE!

Mandeville: I haven’t read the answers yet…

Honohon: Let’s keep the 500,000 and move on.

Mandeville: Fine, new topic. Sidemascots or the pandemic?

Miraitowa: Ack… my COVID-19 PTSD… Sidemascots please before I have a heart attack…

Mandeville: The topic’s related to HMPV but Sidemascots it is!

Honohon: Woohoo! Two questions in the bag!

Burke: EDITOR! CAN YOU SPEED UP, PLEASE?!

(Cue montage with violin music)

Mandeville: Congratulations! You’ve passed all 8 questions! The only gaffe is about the MLB… You won 500,000 Robux!

(Everyone cheers)

Burke: BIASED! THE QUESTIONS ARE TOO EASY FOR THEM!

Miraitowa: Relax, Burke…

Burke: FINE!

[Transistion]

Mandeville: Next up, Burke and Powder!

Powder’s Clone: I am ready- *gets hit by a wrecking ball*

Powder: Sorry guys, my clone doesn’t have the same BIG BRAIN as me, Powder the future NASA scientist.

Burke: Powder… everyone’s watching.

Powder: WHAT?! Uhhhhh…

[The stream has ended per Powder’s request. We swear that is not her.]

[Transition]

Mandeville: Two very controversial mascots: Wenlock and Olympic Phryge!

Wenlock: Thanks for nothing.

Olympic Phryge: Oh come on, Wenlock.

Mandeville: Your topics are: Sidemascots 1.4 or Sidemascots 1.9?

Sacha: YOU IDIOTS! WHO CHOSE THESE EPISODES?! I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU ALL AND GET THIS VIDEO DEMONETIZED!!!

Mandeville: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Vinicius: Casual clothes? Finally! You’re in!

Sacha: THANKS VINI! YOU BETTER BE!

Vinicius *gulps*

[Transition]

Mandeville: Borobi and… Sacha?

Sacha: *giggles*

Borobi: What, mate?

Sacha: Can you… do the mopping?

Borobi: What?

Sacha: (laughed) Ow, my rib!

Mandeville: Your topics are Aussie Indigenous Culture or anything goes!

Borobi: Hmmm… how about I up the difficulty mate! Anything goes!

Mandeville: Anything goes it is! Which is the most controversial outfit worn by Sacha?

Borobi: Sacha? Goddamnit, she’s injured. It’s all me now.

Mandeville: A. The Army Suit…

Borobi: A, final answer, shut up and move on!

Mandeville: I haven’t even started the timer! You’re disqualified!

Borobi: What? But Miraitowa and Honohon can answer without YOU starting the timer!

Sacha: For your info… the answer is A… Scratchy hated it…

Mandeville: Potato, potato! Don’t be a sore loser, Borobi!

Vinicius: All in favor of replacing Mandeville with a competent enough host in the next episode, say aye!

Everyone: AYE!

Vinicius: Then it’s settled!

Sumi: Not skibidi ohio rizz gyatt ENOUGH!

Vinicius: *facepalm* all in favor of Sumi being fired from the Sidemascots… say aye.

Everyone: AYE!

Sumi: What? I have aura!

Vinicius: Now you have it, *snaps* now you don’t! Get out!

Sumi: But…

Vinicius: GET OUT!

Sumi: Skibidi rizz…

[Transition]

Mandeville: And finally… Miga and Soohorang- wait, where’s Soohorang?

Vinicius: He left.

Miga: WHAT ABOUT SUMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?!

Mandeville: He also left.

*Miga suffers a heart attack*

Miga: WHERE IS HE MANNNNNNNNN? NO BRO…

*Miga dies… again*

Vinicius: Wow… so much emotion. Right, this season is off to a bad start. Only Miraitowa and Honohon won cash!

Miraitowa and Honohon: Yippee!

Honohon: Wait, how do we use those robux?

*a notification rings on both of their phones*

Miraitowa: 500,000 robux are immediately transferred to Sumi’s Roblox account?

Vinicius: Wait… isn’t this episode just an elaborate scam for Sumi to farm some Robux?

Burke: ARREST HIM!

(The crowd roars)

THE SIDEMASCOTS!

Vinicius: Season 2! Don’t farm Robux, kids, always be safe while playing! Money is ever a priority at Roblox. (though in some years it is). Please like and reblog this video! We’ll appreciate it! Episode 2 will come out later this weekend! Which one? YOU’LL DECIDE! Anyway, I’m going to celebrate Sumi being fired now, bye! And get well soon, Sacha!

Director: And cut!

Vinicius: So um… what are we gonna do now?

Burke: Sigh, it’s your choice.

Vinicius: Pfffffffft…

#mascotverse #sidemascots #parody #vinicius and tom #miraitowa and someity #possibly controversial #the phryges #gameshow

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cartograffiti · 9 months ago

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May '24 reading diary

This month, I finished 16 books, mostly quick cookbooks and graphic novels!

I started May by listening to a very unseasonal full-cast audiobook of E.T.A. Hoffmann's original The Nutcracker and the Mouse King. When I was a child, I read a lot of different text adaptations of the Tchaikovsky ballet adapted from this story, but only realized I'd never read the original when a friend got me to read Hoffmann's squarely horror story "The Sandman" a few years ago. This was creepier than the ballet story, though clearly written for children, and I'm very glad to have gotten around to it.

K.J. Charles, author of a large number of romances I'm a fan of, put out her first mystery A-plot novel, Death in the Spires. I think it's a good introduction to her style if you're not a big romance person, and I think it was the right call for this plot to prioritize the genre elements in this way, but I also have found her B-plot mysteries more exciting. No problem, I liked it a lot, and it has a lot of juicy thoughts about justice as distinct from the law and how trust is earned or lost. Gay disabled detective.

Two sports romances: You Should Be So Lucky, a sensational 1960s baseball player/magazine journalist relationship, meditating beautifully on the fear of failure and on grief. One of the mains was in a long-term relationship with someone who has died, and I think this is the best widowed romance character I've ever read. Sebastian is also just fabulous at taking a tour of a made-up person, full of small details and slice-of-life stakes. I've read all her books and will continue to; I like her particular approach to historicals and her ability to make queer happy endings distinct and individual. M/M.

The other sports romance I read this month is The Boxing Baroness by Minerva Spencer, which I only mildly enjoyed. Unfortunately I don't even have any real criticisms, I just very simply didn't click with Spencer's style on a sentences level, particularly in sex scenes. Your mileage will vary! There is a lot of really enjoyable bits about the hot honorable love interest thirsting over how strong and cool he thinks the heroine is, and he's right. This is definitely worth trying if the basic premise of woman boxer Regency is your thing. Wait, I do have one plot criticism--this would have been stronger without the epilogue. We didn't actually need to meet [historical figure redacted]. M/F.

Graphic novels--I used to read Chelsey Furedi's Rock and Riot when it was coming out as a webcomic, and I was excited when her follow-up, Project Nought, was suspended soon after launch because of a book deal. Unfortunately I somehow missed it when the book actually came out in 2017, and only when Heartstopper sent me on a nostalgia trip last month did I realize I could read it. I wish I had read Project Nought when it was new! A lot of the sci-fi plot no longer feels futuristic even 7 years on, although the core twist is just fabulous. There isn't enough of the interpersonal depth that shines in Rock and Riot, the villain plot resolution is a bit too easy for the YA market, and overall I just wouldn't pitch this as more than pleasant.

The rest of the graphic novels, far more than pleasant, I read volumes 8, 9, 10, and 11 of Witch Hat Atelier by Shirahama Kamome. This was a good batch to read close together, as they all deal with the events of the same festival. Unfortunately I have to wait for my library to buy the next to see the resolution, but that's how manga goes! I loved a lot of what's happening at this point, with some fabulous milestones in the Coco-Agott friendship, lots of good moments from my favorite of the adults (Olruggio), and continuing to push down on the question of forbidden magic. Shirahama brings in both strong cases of things that deserve to be banned (glasses that let you see through people's clothes, not treated as remotely funny) and things that...maybe don't. I really cannot tell what ethics resolution might be end-game, which is very exciting.

Cookbooks! My lovely mother surprised me with a copy of an 80s book I'd been looking for, Vineyard Seasons by Susan Branch. I wouldn't exactly call her style pastoral, but I've seen her rediscovered a bit by cottagecore, Ghibli-esque, and related aesthetic bloggers. If that kind of romantic daily life artwork appeals to you, you might like her books as much as I do; every page is full of Branch's watercolor paintings, sometimes ornamental borders and sometimes illustrations of the sights of her home in Martha's Vineyard. I read and re-read her books just to linger over the pictures, but almost every recipe I've tried has been a winner.

I also borrowed a whole bunch of cookbooks of literary-inspired recipes. I went through two by Alison Walsh (A Literary Tea Party and A Literary Holiday Cookbook), which were disappointing; they draw from a pretty small range of books, and rely a lot on food coloring to fit the themes. Meanwhile, The Mystery Writers of America Cookbook (ed. Kate White) has a really wide range of difficulty level and approach, only some of them inspired by fiction. Each recipe was contributed by a different author, making it fun in the same way that church and community cookbooks can be, but I don't have any wish to own this, either. I have two others still to look at. (And I already own some I do recommend, Kate Young's Little Library cookbooks and Tim Federle's literary cocktail books.)

More nonfiction: DK Publishing's really insubstantial small coffee table book Banned Books, which didn't have quite enough text (I shouldn't have finished any entries unsure on what grounds they were banned/challenged, and did), but some pretty vintage covers (and not enough of those either).

Really great, with loads of pictures and thorough text: The Big Reveal: An Illustrated Manifesto of Drag by Sasha Velour. I was first aware of gender-fluid queen Sasha Velour as an illustrator and zinester, and in many ways they're the reason I was first interested in drag performers. This book doubles as a history of drag and a personal memoir of Velour's experience with it, and I enjoyed both equally. The history is well-researched and thoughtful, and the memoir is generous and self-aware. And it has some of their comics!

And I'm still reading Dorothy Dunnett's Lymond Chronicles at about one per month. I finished Pawn in Frankincense in May--lush and devastating and funny and infuriating and completely absorbing. Still not a series I would recommend to everyone, and still one I'm so glad I'm reading at this exact moment, when my emotions can go through the juicer and not feel scarred afterwards.

#reading diary #bookblr #For I was young and loved and it was May

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heyholmesletsgo · 1 year ago

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Helloo, a very Happy New Year's to you, Holmes!! ❤️🎉 I saw you reblog those ask memes and I'd like to ask~

For the end if the year book ask: 6 and 17

And for the Fic writer ask: 16 and 21

Jeanieeeee, Happy New Year to you and yours!!! :D

For end of year book asks:

#6 Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to?

Putting aside the 60+ books in my To Read spreadsheet, I have a pile of about 10 books, including the first volumes of TGCF and SVSSS. But this is gonna be the year! I just started the first SVSSS book yesterday :D

#17 Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

I could go on and on about Kiss of the Spider Woman, considering I didn't even know what it was about, but let me ramble about two highly acclaimed memoirs. Sometimes it's just marketing and I get disappointed, but I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy lived up to the hype, like a trainwreck you can't turn away from. Leading Lady by Charles Busch was the other, but I trusted the social media posts by Miss Coco Peru and Cole Escola, two who have carved their own genderfuckery careers. Shame on me, I hadn't known about Charles Busch at all, what a trailblazer! He saw there was no space for him in entertainment so he made it himself.

From these fic writer asks:

#16 What were you go-to writing songs?

Songs are too distracting, due to me listening to too much dancey pop or thrash metal, hehe! It's gotta be silence for me!

#21 Share your favorite piece of dialogue

From The Wanderers, this comedic exchange:

Song Lan draws himself up to his full height. “Why should I help you? You just torched my block.” “He just saved your ass from being barbecued, asshole!” A-Qing snipes. “From setting fire to my block!”

Thank you for letting me ramble ♥

#answered #Jeaniechibi #books #writer asks

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theletterunread · 1 year ago

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Books in 2022

Uncharacteristically for a midterm year, 2022 sucked. 2006, 2010, and 2014 hosted some of my happiest experiences, and even their worst parts were emotionally rich or educational. 2022 was mostly stagnant, interrupted only by misfortune: illnesses and deaths, harassment, personal and professional setbacks that started on January 2nd and continued through December 29th.

There were nice moments too – everyone should go to at least one Weird Al concert – but they’re obscured in my memory by the relentless slaps to the face. In that same way, when I look over the list of books I read in 2022, I recognize a lot of good titles, yet the overall vibe is one of disappointment. But there’s an unresolved question of cause and effect at hand: did a bad reading list contribute to the mediocrity of the year, or did my existing bad mood prevent me from enjoying these books? Is it the tale or the teller?

Fifth Business, Robertson Davies (Jan. 2-5)

The first volume of the “Deptford Trilogy.” Dunstan Ramsay, a retiring history professor, reviews his own life. The title comes from the narrator’s sense of himself as a supporting actor (neither “Hero, nor Heroine, Confidant nor Villain”) in the more riveting lives of others. Maybe you can already understand my interest in this character. The novel is sophisticated and perceptive about human behavior, and at the end, it reveals itself to have been beautifully plotted too. A thoughtless act by a nasty kid in Ramsay’s neighborhood turns out to have reverberated through generations, and it leads to a dramatic and frightening ending. Frightening because the events are so convincingly presented that you can well imagine an unwelcome conclusion like that rearing up in your own life.

Abandoned Cars, Tim Lane (Jan. 6-10)

Pulpy short stories drawn in a highly detailed, old-fashioned style. The drawings carry it. The writing isn’t bad, but it’s a lot of those, “lonely men, open roads, cigarettes, greasy spoons, crooners on the jukebox” kind of stories. A midcentury nostalgia that was picked clean a long time ago.

A Complicated Kindness, Miriam Toews (Jan. 9-16)

A teenaged Mennonite in Manitoba dreams of a more exciting life in New York City. I can sympathize with the heroine’s dreams, and I did like learning about Mennonite life, a world I know nothing about and the author knows intimately. But the details were ultimately so foreign to me that there was a limit to how much I could get into the novel. It’s hard to know how perceptive an observation is when you have no idea what’s being perceived. Still, people whose tastes I trust (my dad; the cartoonist Tim Kreider) admire Toews, so let’s call this my failure.

Stone Fruit, Lee Lai (Jan. 11-13)

At the start of the book, Ray and Bron are happy aunts to a six-year-old niece. But soon, their relationship ends, and they’re sunk into an unhappiness that’s not alleviated by the families they turn to. It’s all pretty bleak, but not unfairly so. The emotions the characters endure are realistic and earned, so while you might feel depressed at the end, you won’t feel manipulated. Plus, there are some great illustrations, particularly of the friendly monsters that the niece imagines while playing with her aunts.

The Manticore, Robertson Davies (Jan. 17-25)

The second part of the “Deptford Trilogy,” following David Staunton, the son of the rotten kid from the first book, as he undergoes Jungian analysis, a subject I know little about. But the little bit that I understand (or misunderstand), I like. It’s much more internal than Fifth Business, the scope is narrower, and the stakes are lower, but it’s just as intelligent and well-written.

A Map of Betrayal, Ha Jin (Jan. 26 - Feb. 1)

The main story is of Gary Shang, a double agent working for the CIA and passing information back to China while dealing with his American family and his conflicting loyalties. The framing story is of Gary’s daughter learning of her father’s past and reckoning with it. As usual, Jin’s insight into his characters’ emotional lives is terrific and effortlessly rendered. The details of this particular plot, however, are not quite so successful. Some of the set-up is unconvincing, and there are plot turns that feel sketchy. Not so much that you’ll have to put the book down, but don’t go in expecting another Waiting.

Tintin: The Complete Companion, Michael Farr (Feb. 2-21)

The second book I read to supplement 2021’s reread of the entire Tintin series. This one deals with the factual background for the stories and the artistic process by which Hergé wrote and drew each volume – as opposed to The Metamorphoses of Tintin, which I read two months earlier, and which took a more academic view. This book is beautiful to look at, featuring details of the series’ artwork and clippings from Hergé’s archives, but neither this nor Metamorphoses really deepens the pleasure of reading the actual books. Maybe what I’m looking for is a third path: a book that doesn’t take a technical or academic approach to the series, but rather an aesthetic and emotional approach. Maybe I should stop whining and write that book myself.

World of Wonders, Robertson Davies (Feb. 3-8)

The last book in the “Deptford Trilogy.” More like Fifth Business than The Manticore, this one again covers most of a lifetime – this time, of the magician Magnus Eisengrim, who is linked, from birth, to Dunstan Ramsey and David Staunton. This one ties up some of the remaining threads from the other two books, if that sort of thing is important to you, and it’s all about stage magic, something I always like reading about (in fact, this book lead me to seek out the one three spots down this list). On balance, it’s not as good as The Manticore, which itself is not as good as Fifth Business, but those are only relative markings. There’s no reason not to read all three.

On Animals, Susan Orlean (Feb. 9-15)

A collection of essays about domestic animals and wild animals. Though there are interesting stories of whales, tigers, and other majestic creatures, the essay that affected me the most was about homing pigeons, perhaps because their feats were the most beautiful to me. Because this is a collection of pieces written separately and later cobbled together, it doesn’t have the thematic strength that her single-subject books do, but it’s worth reading nonetheless.

Pocket Kings, Ted Heller (Feb. 16-23)

A funny book about a stalled-out novelist who starts playing poker and becomes a relative success while the rest of his life falls apart. The plot doesn’t matter too much. You’re in it for the wittiness and intelligence of each individual paragraph. Towards the end, there’s a great section where we’re urged to reconsider the wisdom of a dozen pithy quotes by famous writers. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “There are no second acts in American lives” is challenged by the records of “Richard Nixon, Muhammad Ali, John Travolta, Bill Clinton or…F. Scott Fitzgerald.” There’s also a good joke when the narrator accuses the novelist Zoë Heller of leveraging her last name to mislead readers into thinking she’s related to Joseph Heller – a joke that became even better when I learned that Ted Heller is actually Joseph Heller’s son.

Penn & Teller’s Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends (Feb. 24-26)

When I was in high school, I read their other two books: How to Play with Your Food and How to Play in Traffic, both of which were full of worthy anecdotes and some magic tricks I’ve deployed throughout the years to mild approval. This one was less good. There are fewer interesting passages, and much of the book serves as a trick in and of itself. For example, half of the pages are illegible, printed in what the book itself calls, “itty bitty tiny irritating psycho-print,” so that it can be used as a prop in one of the tricks the legible pages teach you. Clever, but how can you not feel conned yourself when half of the pages are unreadable?

David Lodge and the Tradition of the Modern Novel, J. Russell Perkin (Mar. 3-7)

Another academic analysis of a favorite author, another unsatisfying read. Why do I keep picking these up? There’s nothing wrong with what Perkin says about David Lodge, and as members of the same relatively small fandom, I feel a kinship with him. But there’s no response possible to somebody else’s analysis besides (a) agreeing or (b) presenting a competing analysis. I hope he got an A for this thesis, but as a book, it does nothing for me.

Dracula, Bram Stoker (Mar. 7-17)

Foolishly, I wrote my own vampire stories before ever reading Dracula. I suppose I thought that, since the story has been absorbed into our collective consciousness, there was no need to read it. Maybe you feel that way. That is not so. It’s a very good book, even if it doesn’t surprise us the way it would have its first readers. It’s perfectly paced and vividly rendered, and, although the subject is masked by the nineteenth-century propriety of its language, I think you’ll be excited by how sexually charged the novel is. An early scene of the brides of Dracula descending on a victim will have you sweating.

All The Answers, Michael Kupperman (Mar. 11-14)

Michael Kupperman’s father was a boy genius who appeared on a panel show in the 1940s, answering tricky math questions. Being a child star was not a positive experience for him and he grew into a withdrawn adult, who never shared memories of his childhood with his son. Kupperman’s book is both a biography of his father and a memoir of his attempts to connect with a distant parent. In that sense, and because it’s a comic, it invites some comparisons to Maus, but that’s a pretty tenuous comparison. I only make it because the book doesn’t offer much to hold on to. Neither half of it is bad, but it never achieves escape velocity, perhaps because the father at the center of it all remains unknown to us and to Kupperman.

The Art of Fiction, David Lodge (Mar. 19-24)

A collection of newspaper columns from the novelist. In 50 entries, he discusses one element of the novel (opening lines, point of view, symbolism, the title, unreliable narrators, etc.), and illustrates his points with excerpts from modern and classical novels. It’s all very smart and very digestible, and if you’re trying to write a novel, you’d surely find some useful tricks to borrow. My favorite piece is the one on naming characters, in which Lodge cannily compares the deliberately suggestive names "Robyn Penrose" and "Victor Wilcox" in his own novel Nice Work to the name "Quinn" in Paul Auster's City of Glass. Quinn is a name that “flies off in so many little directions at once,” and if a name can mean anything, it ultimately means nothing at all – which, as Lodge rightly points out, is the point of that existential book.

Fictional Father, Joe Ollman (Mar. 19-23)

The story of a newspaper cartoonist who became rich and famous for his sappy father-and-son comic strip while ignoring and abusing his own son. This is a made-up story, but apparently – as Ollman himself only discovered after he’d written it – it’s very congruent to the real life story of Hank Ketcham, creator of Dennis the Menace. Though Ollman sees and draws out the real emotions of in this dynamic, his book is played mostly for laughs and is mostly successful. Lots of funny dialogue and a drawing style that makes everyone look laughable.

The Lost Weekend, Charles Jackson (Mar. 26-30)

The classic novel about a dissolute alcohol’s weeklong binge. The best scene is when he makes a half-joking/half-serious attempt to steal a stranger’s purse to fund his addiction. In addition to how well it works as a sad character study, it’s also one of those books that transports you to a bygone urban landscape – if you like that sort of thing, which I do.

Whereabouts, Jhumpa Lahiri (Mar. 31 - Apr. 4)

I find Lahiri’s work both irresistible and highly resistible. I like it because it’s so good, so intelligent, so precise, and so effective. I reject it because that same expertise leaves me feeling manipulated. It provokes an emotional response, yes, but because what’s provoked is always the only emotional response made available by the text, you have the sense that you’ve been moved from A to B to C without your input. A friend of mine says writing like this is akin to a sniper’s bullet: the marksmanship is incredible, but how good are you going to feel about the results? Oh, but this book in particular? It’s fine. A woman without a name wanders through a European city without a name, thinking. A little more diffuse and experimental than her other books, but in the end it feels…well, you know.

Amateurs, Dylan Hicks (Apr. 7-11)

I hardly remember this one. It was about a group of twentysomethings, tied together by threads of romance, thwarted romance, friendship, and competitiveness. Was there a wedding? A road trip to get to that wedding? I’m not sure. My recollection is that the book was good, not bad, but I have no evidence to back that up.

Don’t Come in Here, Patrick Kyle (Apr. 10)

A little comic book. Not much of a narrative. Just a showcase of trippy artwork, which wasn’t bad. What I remember most was returning this book to the library and it not being checked back in, obligating me to call up the circulation desk before I could be slammed with a humiliating late fee.

The Long Prospect, Elizabeth Harrower (Apr. 12-16)

An Australian novel about a young girl who lives a stifling life in a boarding house owned by her unpleasant grandmother. One boarder, a scientist, takes the girl under his wing. That’s the set-up, but I can’t animate any of the characters. Like Amateurs, the action of the book has been completely forgotten. Unlike Amateurs, the feeling that remains is not positive.

To Know You’re Alive, Dakota McFadzean (Apr. 14-15)

A collection of off-kilter, slightly spooky stories. There’s a cute one about how our culture might react if a boring alien landed on Earth, a creepy one about the discovery of a lost piece of children’s media, an eggheaded appraisal of Super Mario Bros. 2, and a silent nightmare with an inescapable cereal mascot. They’re all fun.

Let Us Be Perfectly Clear, Paul Hornschemeier (Apr. 16-17)

Another collection of short comics. The design of the book is clever. There are two halves: Let Us Be, printed from the front of the book to the middle; and Perfectly Clear, printed from the back of the book to the middle. But the stories themselves are less memorable than the package.

Hanging On, Edmund G. Love (Apr. 17-24)

Pulled off a library shelf at random, I think I may be the only person to have ever checked it out. A memoir of a being a teenager and sometimes college student in Michigan during the Great Depression. Though there are few highs and many lows when you grow up in that era, the book is a breezy, amusing read, so long as you don’t get hung up with resentment after learning that his tuition to attend the University of Michigan was only about $100 per year.

Carnet de Voyage, Craig Thompson (Apr. 21-23)

A little illustrated travel diary. Thompson wrote it while he was traveling around, promoting Blankets. It’s trifling, but fine. I had a stomach flu at the start of the year, so a sequence of Thompson suffering from food poisoning made me feel seen.

King of King Court, Travis Dandro (Apr. 24-28)

A very good memoir of childhood. It’s drawn in a chunky, juvenile style, but the material is pretty harrowing. Dandro’s dad was a heroin addict, his stepfather was an alcoholic, and his mom was understandably harried and overwhelmed. Dandro’s perspective is mature and empathetic, but he’s still able to recall and illustrate the feelings of fear and anger and shame that can arise in kids when they have unwelcome encounters with the adult world. It sounds like a painful read, but it’s not at all.

Remembering the Bone House, Nancy Mairs (Apr. 27 – May 5)

A memoir about the physical spaces Mairs has occupied: both houses and her own body. Her approach is scattershot, but I liked that. There’s a tendency towards loftiness and know-it-all-ism in memoirists (fair enough, given that the alternative is to concede that the stories from your life are meaningless, in which case, how self-indulgent is it to publish them?), but Mairs avoids it. She presents her book with the attitude that writing is not the summation of life, but just another action taken by the living. Illustrating that point is a moment where she writes of publishing a personal essay about her affair and discovering that, contrary to what she thought, her husband didn’t know about it – until he read the printed story.

Nutshell, Ian McEwan (May 7-11)

Told from the perspective of a fetus, as he listens in on the sinister machinations and plotting of his mother and her lover. It’s clever and the high concept doesn’t wear thin. Embarrassingly, I didn’t realize until I had finished the book that it was retelling the story of Hamlet, even though the title comes from one of the only lines of that play I can confidently quote.

Level Up, Gene Luen Yang & Thien Pham (May 11-12)

The main character’s strict father won’t buy him a Nintendo Entertainment System. When the father dies, the hero buys an NES, and develops a passion for video games that becomes a crutch whenever he falters in life. Eventually, he’s set upon by some cherubs or angels who act as his guilty conscience, obliging him to follow his late father’s wishes for him. The main idea here – the hero’s challenge to find his individual happiness without disappointing or disrespecting his family – is handled well, but I can’t help but wish that video games hadn’t been the subject the story was spun around. I like video games, and respect their intelligence and artistic merit…but every time people try to transplant them into another medium, the operation is a failure, and the subject dies on the table.

The Unconsoled, Kazuo Ishiguro (May 12-21)

A book that tries your patience, if it’s possible to say that without being totally negative. A pianist arrives in a new city in advance of a concert and is soon dragged all over the city for endless, perplexing meetings and chores. The story is presented like a dream, where characters pop up randomly, and locations can be endlessly distant in one moment and right around the corner in the next. The thing is, dreams are always more interesting to the dreamer than to any audience, so the book can be frustrating at times, even if you accept its structure. Still, it’s impressive that he pulled off such a stunt for 500 pages, and the quality of Ishiguro’s prose is bright and beautiful as always.

Perchance to Dream, Charles Beaumont (May 23-29)

Twilight Zone-esque tales from a writer for The Twilight Zone. Actually, many of the stories in this book became scripts for that show. But they work in either medium. The best is “The Howling Man,” about a traveler in Europe who comes across a group of monks who are keeping a strange prisoner. Inventive and tidy and not bogged down by any need for meaning, these are the sort of stories I’ve been trying to write recently.

Passport, Sophia Glock (May 28-30)

As a teenager, Glock discovered that her secretive parents were actually spies working for the CIA. I think that’s the set-up for Spy Kids, but this book goes in a less bombastic direction. It’s a fairly conventional coming-of-age story, as Sophia makes friends and enemies, goes out to parties, and learns to accept herself. It’s okay, and there’s something amusingly anticlimactic about the irrelevance of her parents’ profession to Glock’s own story, but you won’t be mesmerized by this book.

The Resisters, Gish Jen (May 30 - June 2)

A baseball prodigy tries to find happiness in a dystopian future. I sped through this book, surprised at how tolerable it was, but by the end, my general disinterest in dystopian stories won out. The nod-your-head-sadly parallels to our current culture are more wearying than enlightening. The baseball scenes are okay, though. That sport translates well to the page.

Come Along With Me, Shirley Jackson (June 4-9)

The title comes from an unfinished novella included in this collection, but it and every other story are overshadowed by “The Lottery,” which is as good as its reputation holds. The next best inclusion is Jackson’s essay about the reception “The Lottery” got. In addition to the reams of letters from people incapable of understanding that her story was fictional and convinced that there really did exist a small town that committed ritual stoning, she received a fawning letter, to which she politely responded, “I admire your work, too,” only to discover that she had responded to an accused axe murderer. On the far opposite end, this collection also has “Pajama Party,” a cute domestic comedy about a child’s first sleepover. I liked that one too.

Twists of Fate, Paco Roca (June 9-11)

I’ll compare this one to Maus too, and I’ll be on firmer ground: a comic book about a young man painstakingly drawing out the war stories of an elderly man. The man fought against the Nationalists in the Spanish Civil War, fled to Algeria, joined the Allied forces, and was party of the forces that liberated Paris from the Nazis. But he was never able to return to Spain to liberate it from Franco, a regret that gnaws at him, even at age 94. That’s a good story, and it digs into some underexposed history, but I was never fully convinced of the need for the framing device.

Memoir of a Gambler, Jack Richardson (June 12-19)

A little bit like a non-fiction version of Pocket Kings. After his divorce, Richardson crosses the country, and eventually the globe, playing poker in high and low places. There’s not a lot of happiness in this world, and Richardson does nothing to change that, but his cold and precise rendering of his adventures (and really, they are adventures: he’s not just sitting at the tables for the whole book) are entrancing. His description of the geography of Las Vegas – which, by chance, I was reading as I flew into Las Vegas – should on its own be enough to shut down the city.

Hidden Valley Road, Robert Kolker (June 21-25)

The true story of a large family in Colorado Springs, some of whom were acquainted with my uncles. There are 12 children, and half of them are ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia, leading to much grief but ultimately making the family a fruitful source of data for medical researchers. It’s a sad book, and like all good documentaries, it makes you feel guilty for being witness to what you’re seeing.

Lovesickness, Junji Ito (June 24-26)

A collection of unsettling, grotesque comics. Exactly what I was expecting and hoping for when I picked it up, yet I was unmoved by the collection. The territory is just the same as in Uzumaki, which I’d read the year before, but as a set of independent (rather than linked) stories, the material doesn’t have a chance to develop an insidious feeling or any thematic resonance. It’s more a series of satisfactory but forgettable shocks.

Thin Places, Jordan Kisner (June 27 – July 3)

These are the sort of essays all NYU freshman are taught to write: pick three or four subjects – usually a selection from personal experience, history, a piece of art, and an event, place, or occurrence in our culture – and juxtapose them in every pairing until you reach your page count. It’s a very mechanical process, and my experience being taught it left me prone to resist this form. And yet I liked this collection well enough. Kisner is honest, most of her insights are well-articulated, and though there’s no humor in these essays (the form won’t allow it), she doesn’t fill that vacuum with pretension, as my classmates and I always did.

The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger (July 6-9)

There’s a party game called Humiliation, where you reveal that you've never actually encountered some huge culture monument, and you get points for each person at the party who has. For a long time (still, in fact), I could say I’ve never seen Titanic and scoop up a bunch of points. That was my go-to because I was too embarrassed to confess to an even bigger miss: I had never read The Catcher in the Rye. It’s a wonderful book, though. Very funny and very moving. What surprised me was how much I admired Holden Caulfield. I don’t just mean that I understood and accepted his adolescent angst. I actually think he’s a noble person. His anger may sometimes be misplaced and his sense of righteousness can be overly dogmatic, but those are habits that usually pass with age, and what will be left is the sensitivity, intelligence, and moral strength that’s plainly evident beneath his clumsy exterior.

American Splendor: The Life and Times of Harvey Pekar, Harvey Pekar, et al. (July 7-13)

Autobiographical comics by another admirable grouch. I had never read any American Splendor stories before, maybe because their multiple art styles (Pekar wrote the comics but had a variety of other artists draw them) seemed wearying to me. And truthfully, that quality still does nothing for me. But the writing is great. The stories vary in subject and length and presentation, but every one of them is closely observed and intelligent about the way people talk and act and think. The ordinariness of life (and of Cleveland) is rendered with extreme beauty. And Pekar himself is a great hero. Another noble crank who’s critical and passionate and full of fury, yet never unkind and never less than generous.

I’m Telling the Truth, but I’m Lying, Bassey Ikpi (July 10-13)

A pain-filled memoir, this one about bipolar disorder, disassociation, and the Challenger explosion. It’s mostly engaging, though there are parts in the back half where useful details seem to be missing and it becomes hard to follow. Given the subject matter, this may not be unintentional.

Crash Site, Nathan Cowdry (July 14-15)

Edgelord stuff run through several layers of irony. Lots of violence and provocative dialogue stacked up in such a way that it’s impossible to tell whom the author is trying to provoke: those who would take offensive or those who would deny the validity of being offended. I sort of see the point, and I didn’t hate the book. But at a certain point, you wish Cowdry would stop fooling around and just write a real story.

Amnesty, Aravind Adiga (July 16-19)

A young migrant worker in Sydney comes across a murder. If he reports it, he risks deportation, a fact that the murderer is all too happy to rub his nose in. It’s a good blend of a thriller and a social commentary. I also liked that fact that it was taking Australia and its cultural values to task. Not that I personally have anything against Australia, but it’s a country that you rarely see condemned, so I appreciated getting to reading a rare (and surely well-deserved) scolding.

Onion Skin, Edgar Camacho (July 17-18)

The story of a couple that runs a food truck and finds themselves in a turf war. It holds your attention while you’re reading it, but it’s a mess, jumping around in time and in tone. Plus, the relationship at its center is very tired: a mopey guy finds his life reinvigorated by a free-spirited girl. The food looked good, though.

Popcorn, Ben Elton (July 21-24)

A Hollywood satire written by a Brit, so it has that some of the stiffness and artificiality that can come in when writers try to cross the pond. But on the whole, it’s funny and astute about the industry. The ending overemphasizes its lessons, but I liked that Elton didn’t shy away from the mayhem he’d been teasing.

Brownsville, Neil Kleid & Jake Allen (July 22-23)

The familiar story of growing up in New York, being attracted to the mafia, and eventually joining it. The twist this time is that it’s the Jewish mafia. Interesting? Not really. That detail hardly changes anything, so the arc and most of the individual scenes in this book are rote in conception and in execution. Your favorite mafia story, whatever it is, will give you as much as this book and more.

My Man Jeeves, P.G. Wodehouse (July 29 - Aug. 1)

An early and unpolished collections of short stories. Given that Wodehouse later rewrote most of these pieces, the decent thing to do might have been to let this collection go out of print. Fewer laughs than Wodehouse usually provides, though there are still a couple of big ones, such as one character’s passing idea to make money by selling anarchists and other dispossessed people the opportunity to beat up his rich uncle.

Good Eggs, Rebecca Hardiman (Aug. 6-10)

A warm-hearted comedy about an Irish family. There’s the grandma who keeps making trouble, the rebellious teen with a soft, sentimental center, and the harried father caught in between the generations, trying to keep everything running smoothly. Eventually, they’re all put on the same side of the field when they have to take on an American who’s scammed them. It’s nothing remarkable, and I didn’t laugh too much – perhaps not at all – but sometimes it’s enough if a book features one element close to your heart. In my case, it was the suburban Dublin setting.

Kiss & Tell: A Romantic Resume, Ages 0 to 22, MariNaomi (Aug. 9-11)

A catalog of intimate relationships ranging from crushes to long-term relationships. To some degree, it’s all contextualized by its setting (the Bay Area in the 1980s and 90s), and by how the author views her relationships in comparison to that of her parents. But mostly, it’s just a list, and one that becomes quickly repetitive.

The Library Book, Susan Orlean (Aug. 11-14)

Possibly a perfect non-fiction book. In 1986, a fire broke out at the main branch of the Los Angeles Public Library, wiping out 20% of its collection. Orlean covers that disaster and it subsequent investigation, but she also makes room for the history of the LAPL, discourse on the function of libraries in America, personal reflections, academic theorizing, and science experiments (the chapter about her own attempt to burn a book is one of the best parts). The arson at the heart of this story is compelling enough to make this book good in anyone’s hands, but in Orlean's, it’s great.

I Don’t Expect Anyone to Believe Me, Juan Pablo Villalobos (Aug. 16-21)

Another fun mash-up. This time the blend is crime thriller, campus novel, and metafiction. Juan Pablo is a Mexican student who is abducted before leaving to study abroad in Spain, and ordered to get close to a corrupt politician by falling in love with his daughter. The plot is knowingly ridiculous and, though you eventually give up on trying to follow it, it’s amusing all the way through. There’s also a fun essay at the end, in which the translator explains his difficulty in capturing the voices of the different narrators, conceding with admirable frankness that he’s not sure he succeeded.

The Bridge, Peter J. Tomasi and Sara DuVall (Aug. 17-20)

The true story of the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge. If you don’t know it already, the fun detail is that the chief engineer became overworked in the middle of construction, and spent the rest of it monitoring the bridge’s construction from his bed while his wife took over as de facto leader at the job site. The standard details of how to build an enormous bridge are also fun to learn about, and the authors do a good job making you share in the stress of the workers deep below the water.

Woke Up This Morning, Michael Imperioli, Steve Schirripa, and Philip Lerman (Aug. 23-28)

An oral history of The Sopranos cobbled together from the podcast Imperioli and Schirripa started a few years ago. That show is endlessly discussable, and the book has a few funny stories and some thoughtful analysis, and it’s certainly better to read this book than to listen to the podcast (did I tell you I’ve declared a war on podcasts?), but I don't know…I found myself growing less and less interested the more I read. Once the initial fun of being a fly on the wall passed, I recalled that The Sopranos is strong enough to speak for itself.

Pauline Kael: A Life in the Dark, Brian Kellow (Aug. 30 - Sep. 4)

A thorough biography that features and contextualizes lots of excellent film reviews by Kael. It also reveals some of her astonishing lapses of ethics. In 1971, she published, “Raising Kane,” an essay about the authorship of Citizen Kane’s screenplay. It’s a terrific piece of writing, but it’s extremely shoddy journalism that has since been disproven. Even worse, much of her research was stolen from a UCLA professor, whom she never credited. It’s a shocking revelation and Kellow presents it without excuses. That chapter alone is worth the price of admission.

Love That Bunch, Aline Kominsky-Crumb (Sep. 2-5)

Autobiographical comics from one half of an underground comix power couple. A relationship that’s mostly been presented through her husband Robert Crumb’s eyes is shown here from Kominsky-Crumb’s perspective instead. But the thing is, they’re a very well-matched couple, so their perspectives aren’t all that different. And honestly, neither of their styles are terribly interesting to me, accomplished though they are. Still, you can admire Kominsky-Crumb’s pioneering efforts, and she and her husband and their unconventional family are pretty cute, no matter how repellant this book tries to make them seem.

Frankenstein, Mary Shelley (Sep. 6-10)

Another classic that I’m only just now getting around to. A hair less interesting than Dracula – the old-fashioned formality of the writing makes it a less ripping read – but still great. Dr. Frankenstein and his monster are both fascinating and complex, and the whole story is genuinely haunting and ambitious in scope. The framing device of the Arctic voyagers who witness the end of Frankenstein’s story seems impossibly contemporary. Considering how young Shelley was when she wrote something so good, hers may be the greatest accomplishment in the history of literature.

This is How I Disappear, Mirion Malle (Sep. 10-12)

Another mental health story. Because this one is done as a comic, not as prose, it can place us immediately into the shoes of its protagonist and let us feel her pain, which is a point in its favor. Working against it is the abundance of scenes, dialogue, and plot points driven by text messages and social media messaging. As always happens when those elements are spotlighted in a story, they dial the energy of the book down to nearly zero. (I'm not letting myself off the hook: I've tanked my own pieces that way.) That technology is an important part of our lives and our culture, and someday somebody will find a way to mill it into art, but it hasn’t happened yet.

The Plot Against America, Philip Roth (Sep. 11-17)

It had been nearly 15 years since I read anything by Roth. This was a good one to restart with. An alternate history of Roth’s childhood if the United States had elected Charles Lindbergh over FDR in 1940. The family drama and the political drama are equally engaging, and Roth even leans into the ridiculous fun of speculative fiction with a big, ludicrous twist in the last fifth of the book that guides everything to a satisfying resolution.

Loved and Lost, Jeffrey Brown (Sep. 14-18)

Three graphic novels covering three of Brown’s formative romances. Sincere, but sort of wimpy. I don’t want to cross a line and start critiquing anybody’s personal emotional repertoire – I’m just talking about what’s recorded on the page. The happy moments we see of his relationships are moments of quiet companionship. There’s almost nothing about adventures or inside jokes or mutual discoveries – the exuberant parts of a relationship. Quiet companionship is an important part of love too, and if that’s the pitch at which Brown lives his life, there’s nothing wrong with that, and he should record it accurately. But the pleasure of reading about it is faint.

Fame Adjacent, Sarah Skilton (Sep. 20-24)

A fun and original novel. The narrator is a former child actor, the only one from her troupe of singers and dancers not to become famous. The first part of the book has her in rehab for her internet addiction. The second part has her road-tripping to New York for a reunion with her castmates. It’s a lively book (a quality in short supply in too many novels), and I want to commend Skilton for pulling off a trick that’s harder than you might think: the fake TV show that she creates is credible. Often the fictional media contained within books (and TV shows and movies, for that matter) seems either implausible – we don’t believe a TV show so described would ever air – or like a poorly disguised version of an existing piece of media – distracting us as we look for the Easter eggs in this universe’s version of Seinfeld. But Skilton’s invention (Diego and the Lion’s Den) is totally believable, and its details are nicely fleshed out.

Seek You, Kristen Radtke (Sep. 21-25)

Another bit of brainy graphic essaying by Radtke. The subject is loneliness – Radke’s and America’s. Surrounding the personal reflections, there is a lot of well-synthesized research and bright analysis. And how about this for a good definition to carry with you: “Loneliness isn’t necessarily tied to whether you have a partner or a best friend or an aspirationally active social life. It’s a variance that rests in the space between the relationships you have and the relationships you want.” My only complaint is about a section where, talking of television sitcoms, she blurs the important distinction between canned laugh tracks and the laughter of live studio audiences – but that’s only a personal hang-up of mine.

All About Me!, Mel Brooks (Sep. 25 - Oct. 1)

A very happy memoir by a very happy guy. Lots of warm stories stretching from his childhood to his dotage, and some triumphant moments where he outwits boneheaded Hollywood executives. He’s justly proud of his own talents and achievements, but he spends more of the book heaping genuine, specific praise on other actors and writers he’s worked with. Tellingly, the only colleague who’s recollected with even the slightest negativity is Jerry Lewis…

Mary Wept Over the Feet of Jesus, Chester Brown (Oct. 1-3)

An illustrated collection of stories from the Bible that Brown believes evince a pro-sex work attitude in early Christianity. As somebody with almost no preexisting feelings about the Gospels, I’m an easy mark for any interpretation. Brown, who has spent the last 25 years visiting prostitutes, is not exactly a detached analyst here, but whatever his motivations for writing this book, his evaluation of the Bible’s text is convincing enough. The trouble for me was that, irrespective of their political meaning, I found the Gospel stories themselves distasteful and unkind.

Running with Scissors, Augusten Burroughs (Oct. 2-4)

The blurbs all compare him to David Sedaris, but that’s inapt. There’s nothing funny about Burroughs’ story, and the comparison seems to me like laziness, an inability to distinguish two very different types of memoir. With that pedantry out of the way: this is a good book. As a teenager, Burroughs is put in the care of his mother’s psychiatrist, a dangerous blowhard who keeps a filthy and miserable home. Burroughs witnesses and endures a lot of horrors over the course of five years, and though he’s never self-pitying nor seeking of praise, I did feel admiration for his escape and his ability to transmogrify his life into art.

Hollywood Said No!, Bob Odenkirk & David Cross with Brian Posehn (Oct. 6-8)

Two never-produced screenplays and other sundry material by some of the brains behind Mr. Show. Not their best work, but I smiled a lot while reading it. I did object, however, to their attacks on Jamie Kennedy, towards whom I feel an odd and misapplied sense of protectiveness.

The Road Through the Wall, Shirley Jackson (Oct. 8-14)

Jackson’s first novel, in which she exposes the ugliness, prejudice and misery beneath the surface of a privileged upper-class neighborhood. That’s pretty shopworn material these days, but remember: she did it in 1948. The novel is decent – I liked the scene where two teenagers seek a transgressive thrill but the best they find is a secret tea party with a butler – and the gruesome ending does still shock. But it’s weighed down by having too many indistinguishable characters.

Clyde Fans, Seth (Oct. 14-17)

A meticulously drawn book about a generational struggle to keep open a family business. The artwork is impressive, but I just can’t summon up any enthusiasm for this story and its themes: the agony of being a salesman, the inability of men of a certain generation to share their feelings, and more of that midcentury nostalgia I complained about earlier.

Ostrich, Matt Greene (Oct. 15-17)

A 12-year-old boy with brain tumor narrates an otherwise typical story of growing up (parents, friends, school, burgeoning sexual feelings). There are some clever and funny lines, but I grew less and less convinced I was hearing the honest voice of a child as opposed to the practiced remarks of a novelist.

Mr. Mercedes, Stephen King (Oct. 20-29)

A retired detective is taunted by a murderous psychopath and begins a private investigation to catch the killer. My hopes for this one weren’t quite met. The plotting is fine, and some tension builds well in the last act, but none of the characters feel like more than placeholders, and the gruesome details (particularly in the killer’s backstory) are nowhere near King’s best. Also, King’s efforts to write dialogue for a Black teenager result in some embarrassing lines that I won’t quote here.

The Only Story, Julian Barnes (Nov. 4-9)

I picked it up because it was about tennis, and discovered that Barnes was an author I should have been reading for years. A man recounts his “only story,” of being a college student home for the summer and falling in love with a middle-aged woman he’s partnered with for a game of doubles. The direction the story takes doesn’t matter. What I liked about the book was how intelligently and unpretentiously Barnes writes, and how deeply he digs into important questions. The book opens with, “Would you rather love the more, and suffer the more; or love the less, and suffer the less? That is, I think, finally, the only real question.” And before you have a chance to reflect on how well put that is, Barnes challenges himself: “You may point out—correctly—that it isn’t a real question. Because we don’t have the choice…if you can control it, then it isn’t love.” The array of thoughts those four sentences evoke would be accomplishment enough for most novelists, but it’s only the first of many treats Barnes offers.

Hummingbird Heart, Travis Dandro (Nov. 5-7)

The sequel to King of King Court, picking up on Dandro’s life as he hacks his way through his teen years. All of the praise-worthy qualities of the first book are present…but less so. The intelligence of the writing and the appeal of the drawing style are still there, but the subject is less interesting, more well-worn: shoplifting teenage boys learning to put aside their anger and face the fact that they must grow up. It’s done well, but only well, and Dandro's previous book set the bar higher.

Palimpsest, Lisa Wool-Rim Sjöblom (Nov. 9-12)

A very angry memoir of an adoptee seeking out her roots. The author directs anger at her adopted country, at her country of birth, at bureaucrats from all over, and at herself. All of which is well-earned, and the point that Sjöblom makes early on is that she wishes to counteract the rosy prevailing narrative of the experience of international adoptees. I would push back slightly by noting that Sjöblom sometimes seems to not just want to dismantle that narrative, but to replace it with one that’s equally overbroad – her own – not realizing that that would be just as limiting. But that minor quibble aside, this is worth reading.

Somebody’s Daughter, Ashley C. Ford (Nov. 12-16)

There’s a lot of trauma recounted in this memoir of growing up with an abusive mother and an incarcerated father, and Ford renders it all calmly and dispassionately, yet still with a keen memory of the pain she felt. If you can handle that sort of material, this book offers it about as well as it could be done. And Ford shares a few memories that stick with you long after the book is done, like a scene of her grandmother setting ablaze a nest of snakes.

The Third Person, Emma Grove (Nov. 16-20)

This one sneaks up on you, and soon, you’ll be flying through its 900 pages. Grove is a transgender woman visiting a therapist to be approved for hormone therapy. As the sessions progress and Toby the therapist learns more about Grove and her past, he begins to think that she may have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which he feels must be addressed prior to any other medical care. The drawing style is simple and flat, and much of the book is given over to repetitive scenes of therapy sessions, which may sound boring, but it’s actually very easy to become absorbed in their discussions. And the therapist isn’t just a prop to give Grove somebody to talk to; he’s a real character whom we see as clumsier and more unprofessional the longer the book goes on.

This Is Not My Beautiful Life, Victoria Fedden (Nov. 17-20)

While Fedden was pregnant and staying with her family in Florida, her parents’ house was raided by the feds. This memoir touches on her dysfunctional family, their legal travails, and the goofy (and, to my eyes, could-not-be-less-desirable) experience of living in Florida. The details of her family’s unique experiences give the book some early momentum, but the humor doesn’t progress beyond zaniness, and eventually, the book spins off in fragmentary, underexplored directions in an unsuccessful search for a point.

Just After Sunset, Stephen King (Nov. 24-30)

I broke my informal rule and read more than one Stephen King book in 2022. This one is a collection of stories, and it’s more successful than Mr. Mercedes. There are 13 stories, and at least nine of them work. Particularly good are “Stationary Bike,” one of those tales about a living painting; “The Gingerbread Girl,” about an obsessive runner; and N., an old-fashioned novella about a psychiatrist who takes on his patient’s obsession.

The Girl Who Never Read Noam Chomsky, Jana Casale (Dec. 1-8)

A highly internal novel about a Millennial in Boston who aspires to be a writer. No, don’t run away: this one is actually good. Leda, the protagonist, is seen in a number of quiet, precise vignettes, moving through college and her early 20s, trying to be a friend and a lover and a daughter and a romantic partner. I thought I’d had my fill of these stories (both from other books and from my own droning life), but I found room to let this one in. My interest waned in the last third, once the character grows up and we accelerate through her adulthood and old age, but up until then, it’s absorbing.

Fun, Paolo Bacilieri (Dec. 2-5)

A graphic novel about the history of the crossword puzzle, woven around a knowingly melodramatic mystery, all told in a vaguely meta style. It’s pretty busy, and though it delivers on the fun promised in the title while you’re reading it, it doesn’t stick with you.

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman (Dec. 10-15)

A book my mom was recommending to everyone 25 years ago. An askew story of the Antichrist being swapped at birth and of the junky Armageddon that follows. It’s cute and funny, and though I get a little impatient with British whimsy these days, it's well-deployed here. The cast is so sprawling that it becomes a little unwieldy – this is probably an asset in its miniseries adaptation – but there aren’t any characters whose sections you dread.

With the Fire on High, Elizabeth Acevedo (Dec. 23-29)

The first young adult novel I had read in many years, about a high school senior with a talent for cooking who must learn to trust in and prioritize her own dreams. It had been a while since I read a book with a lesson, and shifting gears took some time. But once I did, I was happy to go along and cheer the main character’s triumph. I read most of this book on a six-hour train ride through California’s Central Valley, seated next to a man without a neutral odor, so its many descriptions of aromatic food were very welcome.

***

It was not my favorite year of reading, but curiously, I read more books in 2022 than in any other year since I’ve been keeping track. Maybe it was overextension that led to a less positive experience. Maybe my mood was brought down by two or three too many painful memoirs. Or maybe I should just internalize the lessons of Ted Heller and Jack Richardson, and accept that sometimes life deals you a bum hand. That can be true of a year or of a reading list.

But I did discover those two authors. And finally mark off Dracula, The Catcher in the Rye, and Frankenstein. And one Susan Orlean makes up for a hundred Brownsvilles. In order to maintain my enthusiasm for writing in the face of the constant beatings 2022 offered, I had to accept the old lesson about taking pleasure in the creative act itself and not being preoccupied about where the final product would lead me. That equanimous outlook is just as useful pointed towards the writing of others, remembering that, whatever the yearly average turns out to be, the pleasure of reading any one good book is never diminished.

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mavda · 2 years ago

Text

Beast Tamers

Ch.1 | Ch.2 | Ch.3 | Ch.4(1) | Ch.4(2) | Ch.5(1) | Ch.5(2) | Ch.5(3) | Ch.5(4) | Ch.6(1) | Ch.6(2) | Ch.6(3) | Ch.7(1) | Ch.7(2) | Ch.7(3) | Ch.7(4) | Ch.7(5) | Ch.8(1) | Ch.8(2) | Ch.8(3) | Ch.9(1) | Ch.9(2) | Ch.9(3) | Ch.9(4) | Ch.10(1) | Ch.10(2) | Ch.10(3) | Ch.10(4) | Ch.10(5) | Ch.10(6) | Ch.10(7) | Ch.11(1) | Ch.11(2) | Ch.11(3) | Ch.12(1) | Ch.12(2) | Ch.12(3) | Ch.12(4) | Ch.13(1) | Ch.13(2) | Ch.13(3) | Ch.13(4) | Ch.14(1) | Ch.14(2) | Ch.14(3) | Ch.14(4) | Ch.15(1) | Ch.15(2) | Ch.15(3) | Ch.16(1) |

Ch.16: Attack (2)

Shikamaru is deep in a book, only sees him when Naruto is standing over him. The place is nice, there is a quiet breeze running and the tree gives the perfect amount of shade from the sun. Shikamaru used to spend his days cloud gazing before, now he reads.

“What are you reading?”

“The seventh volume of Great Lord Sarutobi’s ‘The tactics of warfare’, why?”

Naruto snorts. “I’m on the fourth still.”

“Sucks to be you.”

An understatement. “Where’s Sakura?”

“Probably reading or practicing with Lord Minato, why?”

Naruto stands silent and Shikamaru puts his book aside, takes a good look at his lord. “What’s the matter?”

“What answer did you give to that tactical question, you know, the one where you’re surrounded by enemies and only have a way to retreat that passes through a city. A bunch of people, like 20 thousand or something.”

“24,763 people.”

“Yeah, weirdly specific. What did you do?”

Shikamaru rests his arms on his knee, deciding this conversation needs him at least sitting in place. “Gave an overly complex answer that ended with me and my dad reviewing all previous volumes and giving new answers to all of them. Sucked, I can tell you that much.”

Naruto snorts, “What fucking answer did you give?”

“Just,” Shikamaru sighs, “took the latest study that talked about the percentages of professionals in each city, with that info had an approximate of what I had at my disposal in the place, made a plan with that in mind. You know, architects and engineers, cooks and nurses and doctors. I had a pretty well formed structure that could last till reinforcements arrived. What did you do?”

“Evacuated. Made a front with battle-abled people, made do with whatever amount of healthcare workers we had. Dad told me it was a good plan, but reinforcements would still be late and then what?” Naruto looks to the sky, uninterested. “Then I told him I would keep the enemy at bay till reinforcements arrived and he told me that that wasn’t wise and that the Nine-Tails is a trump card. I told him this situation seemed like one that needed a trump card and he told me that that wasn’t the case, cue me asking then when would a situation require the use of the Beast and he got real fucking quiet.”

“Naruto,” a whisper.

“So I may or may not have raised my voice a little and asked why the hell do I have this monster inside of me if it won’t do shit for our people.”

“Just you being a Beast Tamer is enough to help our people a great deal, my lord.”

Shikamaru’s obvious attempt at assuaging him is enough to make Naruto even madder. “My father loves me and that makes him resilient to use my power. Which I think is pretty fucking dumb.”

“My lord…”

“Your father is one of my father’s and grandma Mito’s most trusted counselors, and you will be mine when we come of age.” His eyes zero in on Shikamaru, annoyance seeping out of his body. “Will you also not use my power because you care for me?”

“I think I would try my hardest to keep that option out of the table, my lord.”

“But if it came down to it?”

Shikamaru keeps quiet. Because he doesn’t know the answer.

No. Lies. He knows, he just doesn’t want to admit that his feelings are for once messing with his decision skills. “You are asking a very difficult question, my lord.”

Naruto snorts. “Shikamaru.” His friend averts his eyes. “Shikamaru,” Naruto repeats, his voice a little lower. More commanding. Shikamaru locks eyes with him. “I need you to promise me.”

“My lord…”

“I need you to promise me that when the time comes you will be able to use me as an asset without caring for my wellbeing but for the people we are responsible for.”

Shikamaru is silent.

“I find it frustrating, you know," Naruto snarls. "Would I like to change my situation? Sure. But I have long given up on even entertaining the idea of this life of mine changing. So I have been forced to come face to face with this, right? This Beast,” Naruto’s hand grabs at his stomach, “is as much a part of me as I will ever be. Does that make sense? I won’t ever exist without it, so it’s me. I am the Beast. And I’m paying the price for it.

“So when people tell me that they won’t use the Beast. That they won’t use me. Even when it is a viable course of action. Even when it’s the best course of action given the circumstances I just… I grow frustrated, you know.”

“It’s difficult to see you as an asset when you’re my friend.”

“We have responsibilities, Shikamaru. I have responsibilities. I am a weapon, a destructive one. One that could change the tide of battle in a second. And I need to know, when the time comes, that you will be able to use it properly.” Naruto blows a frustrated sigh. “So,” he repeats, “can you promise?”

Shikamaru is silent.

“Shikamaru.”

And Shikamaru thinks. He racks his brain searching for words that can simmer down Naruto’s mood. All of them cater to emotions and he knows Naruto will spit them out, not before munching on them and sneering in contempt. He is only left with logic and logic says-

Logic says what he doesn’t want to share.

Naruto sighs. A tortuous sound that seems to leave him completely deflated. “I need you to be the voice of reason- of logic. I need you to be able to leave emotions aside and do what’s best to us all. Pure strategy. Pure victory.”

And it’s Naruto’s whispered confessions that steels Shikamaru’s resolve. So be it. His role in Naruto’s life is to offer counsel, to manage Naruto’s responsibilities with the respect his lord gives them. And Naruto is nothing but a man bound by duty.

“I understand,” he breathes. Quiet and short in hopes of maybe getting out of this predicament just by not being heard.

But Lord Naruto’s senses are heightened, and his whole body perks up at his words.

At his promise.

“You must remember, Shikamaru. You must.”

Shikamaru’s answer was not with words, but with actions. He threw himself even harder at his studies, bringing Sakura with him. No words were shared but her eyes lit up at his devotion in understanding.

Shikamaru never asked if she had been subjected to a similar conversation with Lord Naruto, but he knew that even without one she would understand his motives. Her eyes were bright with the same fears he would catch in the mirror.

Naruto would laugh at them and their solemnity and whenever they would share their worries Naruto would smile. That knowing smile they came to love and fear.

“It will be okay,” he would say. Because at the end of it all, they both knew their lord’s life wasn’t a top priority for him. It was terrifying.

“Keep me close to him,” Sakura would whisper, when they were away from prying eyes. A plea tinged with desperation. “I can heal him, just keep me close to him.”

And she did. Time and time again. She was destruction incarnate, would keep her lord away from trouble because she would be able to fix it alone. Until she couldn’t.

Naruto brought Shikamaru to his face, their noses almost touching. Shikamaru’s feet dangling over the floor. He didn’t put up a fight. He also thought he deserved a punch in the gut.

“Never again,” Naruto threatened. Sakura’s body behind closed doors, the beeping of machines the only sound Shikamaru was willing to hear. They meant she was still with them. “You hear me?”

Naruto shook him, his voice a dangerous growl. And Shikamaru agreed.

“Never again.”

Danger ensued a delicate dance of moving pieces and resources and Shikamaru battled thousands of fights in his mind before ever making a move. The ridiculous amount of hours he had spent reading strategies and going over battle plans with his father was no longer ridiculous or agonizing. It had been just right.

“No,” Sakura said once. “You can’t go there on your own.”

“Yes, I can,” Shikamaru corrected. He would. “It’s our best choice.”

“Change it then, we can’t put you at risk.”

A beat of silence no one dared to breach.

“If you have a better plan-” Shikamaru started. Pure disdain in his voice.

“I have one, yes, send me.”

“No.”

Their eyes locked and Shikamaru could see his own fear in her eyes. So they both thought the other was irreplaceable, huh.

“I could go,” a voice interrupted. And from there on Kiba joined their ranks.

A team was born. And when Kiba dragged in Shino one day, Shikamaru’s brain brimmed with possibilities. But most importantly.

All of them shared the one knowledge he couldn’t give others but was imperative they all knew.

Lord Naruto’s life was top priority, even against his better judgment.

They never shared their thoughts with their lord.

“What’s the plan?”

A simple question with so many answers Shikamaru remains silent. He can feel his lord’s energy, the waves of heat emanating from his body. To be useful. To bring peace to his people.

“We wait for Gaara’s team to arrive. They’ll have more intel, as of now our best position is right here.”

Naruto nods then paces. He reads and rereads information Shikamaru is sure he has already memorized. He remains quiet. Lord Naruto has always found it extremely hard to keep away from trouble. His sense of responsibility in such a level Shikamaru has always dreaded it. He knows only one way to quench it. Feed him knowledge.

“It’s safe to assume this is it. Either this is the start of more concentrated attacks or this is their concentrated attack. I’m going for the former, it’s sloppy at best. They only have the Six-Tails so far and, I don’t want to give us false hope, but with just one of the Beasts on their side we can manage. Lord Gaara is coming as backup and Lady Yugito is to protect the lands near the Sand. Their attacks will bring them here. To our turf. We have the advantage in that regard. We have already sent evacuation notices to the villages nearby. Our people are aware of what's coming, we will receive structural damages but as long as it's our territory we can manage. We have sent scouts and we will know when they're coming. As long as Lord Minato and Lord Jiraiya get there we will be able to face the Six-Tails." Shikamaru brings a piece of paper in front of him, "One, two and Nine-Tails are on our side, three and Five-Tails have been sealed by other clans and kept secret and, frankly, they wouldn't interest Madara that much. Four-Tails is here and ready to explode if need be, but I wouldn't recommend it, we don't want to free more Beasts. Madara has the Six-Tails and the Seven-Tails was sealed by Lord Minato and Lord Jiraiya, so if Madara is doing this now it means that he somehow has gotten hold of the Eight-Tails…"

"Are you sure?"

A beat. And Shikamaru is sure of it, "It doesn't make sense otherwise." He scribbles on a piece of parchment, opens the door and signals for a guard to send the message. "Hurry up."

Shikamaru somehow feels time has slowed down. "My lord," Naruto's eyes are the bluest he has ever seen. "You are to stay here until further notice." Naruto nods, solemn and quiet. "When the time comes, if the time comes…"

"You will call for me."

There is a force compelling Shikamaru to leave now and leave the words unsaid. A deep need not to say what's next. His frown deepens and he remembers his promise. His duty. The role his lord has entrusted him.

"Yes, my lord. When the time comes I will send for you."

Because it is no longer a matter of if and they both know it.

Naruto lets out a shuddery breath, but he smiles. An encouraging smile Shikamaru despises.

"Okay, I'll stay here."

#naruto #naruhina #Naruto Uzumaki #Hinata Hyuga #uzumaki naruto #hyuga hinata #beast tamers #ch. 16 #part 2

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gking10 · 1 day ago

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Augustus is starting to seem more... alive in how its reading this. 8:16 - "As for my towering father, with his unshakeable belief in his own celestial significance, he too disappeared from sight, surrounded by my useless half-siblings, impatiently awaiting their inheritance." So what I'm gathering is that the writer was a bastard, born out of wedlock and was left to be raised in a monastery. The father is in good standing with "the Lords". I'm not sure who the Lords are, but either way the father is wealthy and influential in the community. 8:48 I hear the violin strings. Is Gwen hearing them? Is she going to bring it up? Who am I kidding, Alice said the workers usually just leave the room during the talking statements and work or something else, Gwen probably isn't hearing this at all. 10:26 - "It was as I missed the fingering of what should have been a simple exercise, a mistake I ascribe to the coach’s jostling, that he leapt to his feet. Words tumbled from his lips, devoid of coherence, a symphony of mania conducted by some unseen maestro of his own imagination." That's just the average music teacher when you make a mistake. But really, if the instructor really is putting so much stock in his student being a reflection of his own achievement, then whatever has been affecting his mind during the journey has been latching on to that feeling. Intensifying it, exasperating his stress, all to bring him to a point where a simple mistake that wasn't even the students fault would make the teacher snap. 11:24 - "As the storm within his mind reached a crescendo, Bardwell seized the handle of the carriage door, opened it abruptly and, without hesitation, hurled himself head first into the night." "...PLAY A TONE THAT GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER UNTIL YOU BASH IN YOUR OWN SKULL JUST TO MAKE IT STOP" - Bill Cipher to Ford Maybe that's what happened. It did seem like Bardwell was hearing music that wasn't there. Did it just keep growing in volume until just one sharp violin note was the straw that broke the camel's back? It's a horrifying thought really, to be brought to the brink and past it by sensory overload. 12:04 - "A primal fear seized the man, and he acted rashly. I shall not speak of what followed, but suffice it to say that I ended up alone, wandering in the night." Acted rashly as in abandoned you, right? Surely you didn't kill him. Surely. I mean, if the coachman did attack you, he would easily end up overpowering you since you were young. And you probably don't have much reason to be an unreliable narrator, considering this entire thing is almost a deathbed confession already. And yet, I cannot bring myself to trust the way this is phrased. 12:39 - "Sitting by the fire, he probed gently into how I came to be there, and I found myself disclosing, with a candor I did not intend, the unvarnished truth of not only the night just past, but my life up until that moment." Did he happen to meet an Eye avatar in the woods? Or is the reciting of his whole life just to help fuel Slaughter-related rage? 14:23 - "Within it I could spy an assortment of trinkets, ranging from battered knives and chipped porcelain to fine jewelry, small ivory figures and even a set of gambler’s dice." Ooh! They sound like a Mikaele Salesa type figure. Someone collecting, offering, and trading unnatural items. But with Salesa, it was business. This is "charity". Or a deal with the devil. 15:47 - "At that moment a cry of pain erupted from my throat, a cry that shocked even myself, as I realised I had cut my fingertip upon the strings." I told you! I told you the evil violin would make you cut yourself on its strings! And Augustus seems to be getting very panicked about this, which is VERY UNDERSTANDABLE, I THINK. ...Collection (blood) was one of the sections this incident was under. Will he need to feed the violin blood just to be able to play with it?

#the magnus protocol #tmagp #tmagp 4 #tmagp liveblog #liveblogging #Liveblogking10 #tmagp season 1 #rusty quill

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redcamellia13 · 18 days ago

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Okay, guide to reading Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun, let's go! (Also don't get too creeped out by the Eng. name. There are explanations, I promise.)

First, I assume this is your first time? In that case, if you are starting from scratch, (Clock Keepers is where I think it gets real) mentally prepare yourself. That arc is gonna be a doozy.

DO. NOT. RUIN. IT. I’M DEAD SERIOUS. THIS MANGA IS GONNA BE THE BEST PIECE OF FICTION YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED IN A VERY LONG TIME, AND THE LAST THING YOU WANNA DO IS RUIN YOUR FIRST READ.

When you read Vol. 6/Clock Keepers arc, make sure you are alone, it is quiet, and you can picture yourself crying in this atmosphere. No music, nothing to distract you.

From there, Vol. 7/Hell of Mirrors isn’t that bad, but still make sure you are alone and not in transit. (Airplanes are fine but taxis, cars, trains should be avoided while reading this manga.)

Vol. 8/Tanabata Star Festival is quite lighthearted. I don’t have any notes here.

THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE AT HAPPINESS BEFORE STUFF GETS REAL. PUT THE MANGA DOWN, OR RISK DYING OF DEHYDRATION AS A RESULT OF CRYING AWAY ALL BODY MOISTURE.

Vol. 9/Picture Perfect is where you realize what this manga actually is. A cruel scheme with the intention of causing people who read this manga as much emotional pain as possible. You know the drill, alone, quiet, and no distractions.

Vol. 10/Picture Perfect Part 2 is the volume that has the potential to make you cry. I recommend thinking over Mitsuba and Kou’s relationship before reading. Again, alone, quiet and no distractions.

Vol. 11/Picture Perfect Part 3 should be read with standard procedure, but please make extra sure you will not have any distractions. This is the part that actually made me realize this manga was good.

Mei Shijima is a work of art of a character. (No pun intended.)

Vol. 12/Picture Perfect Part Four. Standard procedure, but I’m pretty sure we might have some filler in there to transition to the next arc(?) so you should be okay for that part.

Vol. 13/Sacrifice of the Grim Reaper and Far Shore Bound is a bit of a doozy. Sumire is up there with Mei and both characters so complex and beautiful I can only hope anything else I ever read will somewhat hold up to them.

However, this specific Volume isn’t so bad. Standard procedure is not needed, but transportation should still be avoided.

Vol. 14/Sacrifice of the Grim Reaper. God, I love Sumire. From here on out, just assume standard procedure is necessary unless I say otherwise.

Vol. 15/Severance and Red House will make you cry if you enjoy Mitsuba’s character; but please refrain from eating Japanese curry while reading. Trust me on this one.

Vol. 16/Red House is kind of a wild ride, and extremely plot important, so no distractions.

Vol. 17/Far Shore Bound and Red House. Wow. I think this was the nail in the coffin for me, which kinda made me fall into love with this series. It shouldn’t need to be said, but standard procedure should be in place.

Vol. 18/Far Shore Bound- God, I love Sumire. Wait, I think I said that before. Well, whatever, I am a Sumire stan until the end. Also, keep a lookout for Chapter 86!

Vol. 19/Wait What is This Arc Even Called... based on my recollection, a lot of story important moments happen here. I don't think this is a tear-jerker, but you know the drill, just in case.

Vol. 20/Nightlife Arc. Wow, what do I even say about this one. I did cry, but that's mostly because both Mitsuba and Kou I relate to at the degree of "is Aidairo watching/stalking me".

Vol. 21/Omen Arc: Hmmm. I don't believe anything heart-wrenching happens(?)

Vol. 22/Alteration Arc- again, nothing too heart breaking, but it is story important.

Vol. 23/Alteration Arc(?)... just- just bring tissues while you read Ch. 120, okay?

#toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #no but seriously #its gonna break your heart #i put way too much effort into this #how do i tag this #jibaku shonen hanako kun

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localtrashstan · 1 month ago

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Just giving an update on what manga I've been reading (even though nobody gives a shit) from my local library as well as just talk about them and stuff ig. It'll basically just be stupid ramblings so no spoilers or anything at all lmao literally just me being dumb.

Blue Exorcist

I think I'm on volume 16 at the moment. I've been reading this one on and off for about 3 years now because I constantly forget the library exists, and if I get busy, I read a lot less. So, yeah, got back into this one and since I'd stopped after the events of the Kyoto Saga anime, I just watched that again to refresh my memory on what was going on, although I remembered way more than I thought I would. Anyways, I've really been enjoying this one, I've got so many theories and I can't wait until I catch up to see if any of them are correct (I'll probably get there very quickly as I've checked out 16 through 22 recently and will probably have that finished in about a week or so). Rin is my son and I love him sm, he's so stupid 🫶 and so precious. I've seen a lot of spoilers for this series online by accident and so I know some of the future events and some of them I'm not as happy about but I'm gonna trust that everything will work out eventually because I want all of them to have a good ending 😔

Kimi ni Todoke

I've only got nine more volumes left, so I just went ahead and requested them all. This story is probably the cutest one I've been reading lately, and I really like it. However, like Blue Exorcist, I've been reading it off and on for quite a while now. Sometimes my attention is difficult to hold, and unless I own something or I'm actively obsessed with it, I have a very difficult time remembering that some things exist or how much I like them until I've been introduced to them again. Regardless, I find this one to be very cute and wholesome. I like a slow burn but sometimes I find myself growing frustrated with them. This one wasn't like that for me through most of it asides from a few parts as I hate the classic non-communication and misunderstanding tropes despite the fact that they're very realistic for most relationships, especially for teenagers. Having said that, I think everything that's been thrown their way is handled very well and I think there's some good advice in there.

Teasing Master Takagi-san

I actually saw the anime on Netflix for this one first and loved it. It was very cute. To my surprise, some of the events in the anime were different than in the manga, but given the genre and formatting I didn't mind that at all, I actually found it to be rather cute and fun. The characters are very clearly awkward middle schoolers with a crush and whatever but I still find it cute. The dynamics between Takagi and Nishikata is super cute and is probably the most endearing part of each character. Unfortunately, since this series isn't as popular and I live in the middle of nowhere, they only have volumes 1-3 and then 5-7. Weird. I'm guessing volume 4 went missing so they just removed it from the catalog since that unfortunately happens an awful lot over here 😒🥲

Naruto

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! "An ani-manga fan that HASNT read Naruto?!" Well, yes. I've seen the first 3 seasons of the original anime but I never really got into it. I like each character for the most part, but something about this series makes it difficult for me to focus on it. The anime is worse than the manga for me, probably because there's a ton of dialogue over scenes where practically nothing is happening. I really don't like that in anime, even though I do watch a lot of older anime (I mean, I'm a huge Yu Yu Hakusho and old Sailor Moon fan, for one). In the manga, it's easier to skim, or it'll eventually just show up again later and probably be explained once more, so I don't bother going over all that. Not to say that explaining things is bad, I just think when there's a lot in the first 6 volumes of your story, that gets boring really fast. That might just be me, though. Despite all of those complaints, I do enjoy it, although battle shounen isn't really my favorite (I say even though I also just confessed to adoring Yu Yu Hakusho), I do like it enough to continue. Perhaps because I'm clearly not the target demographic, it's more difficult for me to get into. Sakura isn't as annoying as I remember her being (I was like 15 when I saw the anime) and Sasuke is...less edgy in the manga? I feel like the anime kinda butchered his character a bit (although I could argue they simplified all of them a bit) and kind of just boiled him down to being an edgy little asshole. Or maybe Im just remembering the anime wrong idk, I never liked Sasuke when I was watching it but now reading the manga I really like his character and I find him interesting. Naruto is still my favorite, though. I gotta admit, I love characters that fall into the loveable idiot category!

Yona of the Dawn

This one is definitely one of my favorites that I've recently gotten into. I've noticed in the last 5 years or so I've made a shift to reading more shojo manga and even shounen written by women. I'm not sure when this exactly happened, but I was looking at my bookcase one day and realized well over half of my manga series I'd started collecting were written by women! Yona of the Dawn is honestly one of my favorite stories I've read in a while. Even though I'm an adult woman I definitely look up to the strength that is in Yona as a character. She's very strong without fitting into that stereotype I see often in American media (you know, the "i don't need anyone" kinda thing where sometimes they're even mean or cruel). Yona is kind, caring, and just everything I think more people should aspire to be. She sees issues in her country and does something about it. Getting help from others doesn't make you a weak person, and I really like seeing her growth and development as a character through the series. Doesn't help that I also find the others very endearing as well! Yun is probably going to be making it on my ani-manga sons list bc I just find him so adorable for some reason. As for the dragons, I think Sinha is my favorite, but I really do love them all. And of course I like Hak, too. I just wish he was more open with Yona about his feelings because she's too dense to notice. I'm only on volume 12, though, so that very well might change. Also excited to hear that the manga is in its last arc, I'm looking forward to being able to finish it and not have to wait too long because I'm rather impatient...

The Apothecary Diaries

I have had this one on my mind since I started it. I devoured these books, absolutely devoured them. Now, I'm waiting for the next one to come out very impatiently. My library doesn't have the light novels, so I probably won't read them for now despite really wanting to. I've got so many theories! I'm also a huge Jinmao shipper!! Love them so much. I actually didn't think I was going to like Jinshi when he first appeared, but he definitely grew on me. Doesn't help I also happen to like men that are pathetic and down bad for whoever it is they like and Jinshi definitely fits the bill there.

DanDaDan

I actually just started this one, I've only read 2 volumes. So far, I absolutely love it, though! I didn't think I was going to, but I do! It's a bit weird, but the characters just make the story, and I love Momo and Okarun. I love how awkward they are with each other, they're so cute. It's funny, because while I was reading it, it for some reason reminded me of Chainsaw Man, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that the mangaka actually used to be one of the assistants on that series. Just a nice little fun fact that made it made sense to me. Not sure whether it's the art, pacing, or humor that made me suspect that, though. Maybe a mix of everything? There is a huge content warning on this one, though for SA and just a lot of other general sexual content (like jokes, mostly). While that part of the series I definitely don't really like (the former, not the latter), I do still enjoy the story and the characters.

Anyways, I'm planning on starting another once I've read all of Kimi ni Todoke and Teasing Master Takagi-san since I've got almost all of them read (or all the ones my library currently has). I'm thinking for my next one, I might do Snow White with the Red Hair, One Piece, or maybe try to finish Demon Slayer or Jujutsu Kaisen since I haven't finished those and my collections for either are on the back burner. All I know is that I'd prefer something very long or something finished. I'm tired of waiting for new volumes of almost everything and yet...I keep starting new ones! Like, right now, I really want to try Sakamoto Days, Undead Unluck, or Blue Box but all of those are still on-going so I don't want to have to wait.

Anyways, that was my little post ig.

#blue exorcist #kimi ni todoke #teasing master takagi san #naruto #yona of the dawn #the apothecary diaries #dan da dan #i dunno what im doing #current reads #anime and manga

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iwadori · 4 years ago

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Haikyu Boys when they make you insecure PT 2(Atsumu,Suna)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

word count: 1.6K

Genre: angst,fluff

Masterlist

Atsumu:

You have been dating the great setter of the MSBY Jackals since your third year in highschool

You’ve always been okay with his profession

Even when it comes with the adoring fans he has (the ones that don’t necessarily like you..)

And the away games he goes to, that you can’t always go to because of your job.

You and Atsumu got to spend all of quarantine together, which was challenging at times. As you and Atsumu sometimes did have conflicting personalities but you loved being together for 8months + altogether.

But now with the restrictions being lifted, Atsumu got to go back to practice and playing some games although you still got to work from home. Over lockdown, you do feel like you gained a bit of weight (which you didn’t pay much attention to since didn’t everyone gain some weight?)

However, today you were scrolling through twitter, smiling fondly at the recent tweet ‘tsumu made about you;

@ ThebetterMiya: ‘Remember this @ *Insert your twitter handle here* ‘

It was a picture of the two of you in high school in your second year, with you giving Atsumu a hug just after his game against Karasuno. The memory made you smile, but your positive thoughts stopped after seeing a particular comment... “Y/N has definitely let herself go” it read.

To your surprise Atsumu even liked the comment, you didn’t want to overthink things as you know that Atsumu just unconsciously likes comments and tweets without thinking all the time. But you can’t lie and say you didn’t agree with the comment.

For the rest of the day, you spent your time googling and searching personal trainers and gyms that were open for you to go to and new healthy diet plans to try

.Atsumu came home a while later, tired and grumpy claiming that coach worked him extra hard in practice. Because of your newfound idea to start eating and being more healthy, you decided to have one last day of ‘letting go’ so your ordered yours and ‘tsumu’s favourite take out.

Whilst eating dinner, you were going INNN as you should because this is basically your ‘last meal’ you were going to have. ‘tsumu caught onto your cavemen-like way of eating which made him chuckle a bit. “Hey babe, woahh you’re really hungry aren’t ya?”

His comment threw you off, even though you know that he probably didn’t mean anything by it but from the comment on his twitter earlier and how you already feel about yourself it just didn’t help.

“Well what do you mean about that?” you say a little agressively “you think i’m getting bigger right?”

Your question threw him off guard since he didn’t mean that “well Y/N I know you’ve kinda let youself go a bit and you’re obviously not the weight you were when we 16 but-” before he could finish you get up out of your seat and rushed to your room with tears in your eyes, missing the end of his sentence which was “but I still think you’re beautiful” he murmurs.

He decided to give you some space for a bit, and before approaching he see’s your phone ringing (lets just say you and Atsumu have ultimate trust so you can answer eachothers phones :3) “Hello is this Y/N L/N” the person on the otherside of the phone asked

“No, this is Miya Atsumu” your boyfriend replied

“Oh! Miya-san i’m a big fan of you!” he started making Atsumu chuckle “I was just calling Y/N to say i’m available next week saturday to start training”

‘Training?’ Atsumu thought “Can I ask what training you’re preparing for with Y/N” he asks

“Oh I am a personal trainer.” he replied “ Well that’s all I can say, can you please tell Y/N-san to call me again so we can work out times.” he ended the call.

Atsumu goes into your shared-bedroom where he finds you on your laptop looking at ‘weight loss’ tips. He goes over to you and closes your laptop lid and pulls your hand to lead you to the mirror in the room. He stands you in front of it and puts his arms around your waist and his head on your shoulder.

“You’re beautiful Y/N” he says, sparking more tears in your eyes “I think you misunderstood what I said earlier, you. are. goregous. babe” he says punctuating every single word. “Even, if you feel like you gained weight, or lost weight or whatever I will always think your beautiful. If you feel like you want or need to change I will definitely support you along the way, but I think you’re amazing Y/N.”

“Thank you ‘tsumu” you start “ I do feel a bit insecure about the way I look right now, and I’m sorry for my abrupt leave at dinner but I do feel like my body is gross but I do want to try to see myself the way you see me.”

After many efforts from Atsumu, you definitely fell back in love with your body wether you were bigger or small you didn’t care cause you knew you were beautiful either way and so did Atsumu which he reminded you of that every single day.

AN: Can someone give me a synonym for beautfiul lmao cause that’s the only word I can think to use lol.

Suna:

You and Suna have always surprised people when they find out that you’re together.

Since your loud and talkative personality mixed with his quiet and nonchalantness is that a word? seems to not work well for other people

But opposites attract right?

You just finished the last episode of Kakegurui and were excited for your boyfriend to come home so you can tell him about it. You and Suna have been dating for a few years, after you confessed to him in front of all the boys in the gym in your 3rd year.

Suna enters the house mumbling a soft “Hi Y/N” to which you responded back with “Hi suna” rushing towards your boyfriend with a big hug.

He slightly recoiled back out of your hug making you frown, to which he used the excuse of ‘I smell bad from practice let me take a shower.’ Whilst he was in the shower you decided to make some dinner for you both since it seems that Suna is a bit ‘grumpy’ today.

Once he exits the shower, and gets changed, he sees the table set out with the delicious food you made. You exit the bathroom to see him sat down already eating his plate. “How do you like it ?” you ask him wanting to know his opinion on your food.

“It’s good” he mumbles, continuing to shove food in his mouth. A bit bothered by the lack of response, you decide to talk about the newest episode in the hopes of lighting the mood. “Last episode of Kakegurui was great Rin, you should’ve seen it I really love mary. She’s great, I am a Mary Saotome simp through and through I still didn’t get the game they played but who cares? I can’t wait for season 3 to come out, I’ve already ordered the first 3 volumes of the Kakegurui twin manga, do you think it’s as good as the manga since I do think it’ll probably be better since it is Mary-centric and who hates mary since she-” You ramble on not taking notice of the bubbling annoyance that Suna seemed to have.

“Can you just shut up Y/N” he shouted making you flinch “ You’re so fucking talktative gosh” he got up and left the house slamming the door shut making you jump again.

Instead of wallowing in your bed you decide on going out the library to go and read a good book (something that always makes you feel better) forgetting the harsh tone that Suna used with you. You were only trying to lighten the mood...

You got too engrossed with your books to notice how the sun is now gone and it was pitch black outside, the librarian notified you that it was time to go, you figure that if Suna was back at home he would’ve cooled down now so you can have a proper conversation which to be honest, you didn’t really want one.

Once you enter your house, Suna rushes towards you enveloping you in a big hug murmuring a “Oh thank god I was so worried” he tried to give you a kiss on the forehead but you recoil out of it, just as he did to you earlier.

“I think i’m going to go to bed Rin” you say quietly trudging towards your bedroom and getting immediately in your bed. Suna stood there in the spot you left him in feeling bad for what he said to you at dinner. He goes into you bedroom and see you on your bed and silently gets into it next to you.

“Y/N I know you probably don’t want to hear me right now, but I am sorry” You don’t respond but slowly move closer to him letting him put his arm around you. Because of your silence Suna continues to speak “Umm...I watched the last episode earlier and you were right Mary Saotome is the goat but.... yumeko is better” he said teasingly

This made you smile, as this is what you wanted a nice moment with your boyfriend talking about the last episode of your favourite show. You spend the rest of the night arguing over which character is better and decide to start Demon Slayer together, with Suna enjoying your after episode talks that you have.

AUTHOR NOTE: I was really excited to write for Suna and Atsumu but I have a fat migraine so i’m so sorry for it not being thattt gooood today :// but I hope you enjoy it regardless

#haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader comfort #haikyuu fluff #haikyu angst #atsumu scenarios #atsumu x female reader #atsumu fluff #atsumu x reader #atsumu angst #suna x reader #suna angst #suna fluff #haikyuu suna #suna scenarios #signedwithane😌

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randomshyperson · 4 years ago

Text

Wanda Maximoff x Reader - Sorry for your loss - Part II "I will try"

Serie Masterlist here || Part I || Read on AO3

Summary: When your wife Natasha passes away in a car accident, a part of you dies with her. It takes a few months of mourning for your psychiatrist thinks the best alternative is for you to join a grief group. And there you meet Wanda Maximoff, and learn to live again.

Warnings: (+16) mentions of death, panic attacks and anxiety, grief, self sabotage, mentions of abusive family background, mutual attraction pining, explicit consent, therapeutic conversations about death, self-deprecation, healthy methods of coping with grief, possible triggers about anxiety, domestic Wanda, hurtful behaviors.

Tag list: @imapotatao / @aimezvousbrahms/ @ensorcellme/ @helloalycia / @mionemymind / @abimess / @stephanieromanoff / @yourtaletotell / @tomy5girls / @justagaypanicking / @thegayw1tch

//-//

Chapter II - I will try

You hate waking up.

Because your bed is empty on the right side.

Grumbling slightly, you push the covers away from your body and get up, running your hand over your face.

It is therapy day.

After brushing your teeth and putting on a sweatshirt that smells like fabric softener, you walked downstairs.

"Good morning, honey." Your mother greeted you as soon as you entered the kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hands. You mumbled the greeting back, walking over to the cabinets. She let out a disgruntled exclamation when she saw you take out a box of cereal. "As much as I think it's great that you're eating again, why don't you try something healthier today? I'm getting worried about the amount of sugar you're taking in these last few days."

You rolled your eyes, but obeyed as you put the package back in the cupboard. Ever since you regained your appetite, your meals, especially in the morning, consist of sweet things. Bread, cereals, and even chocolate. You were eating again, but the chance of diabetes was very high.

"Do you need a ride?" Your mother asks a moment later, when you are already sitting at the table, pouring yourself some orange juice.

"Agatha thinks I should try the subway."

"And what do you think?"

You laughed humorlessly.

"That's a new one." You retorted without taking your eyes off the newspaper in front of you. "Someone asking what I think."

Your mother sighs.

"Don't be like that." She says and then rises to kiss your forehead, the car keys in her hand. "Call me if you need anything."

You bite your tongue, stopping yourself from whispering the words "I need my wife," because you didn't want to cry over coffee.

After eating, you looked around. You hated empty houses. So you hurried to get your wallet and left after locking the door.

//-//

With headphones, the subway was not so scary.

The music on the latest volume muffled the ambient noises very well. And even with a fast heartbeat, you managed to walk correctly, and keep your breathing under control until you reached the city downtown.

You walked from the station toward the building where the therapy was taking place, humming softly the music you were listening to.

Startled slightly when someone touched your shoulder, you turned, only to see Bucky standing beside you, smiling gently. You took off your headphones, moving away from his touch, he didn't seem to notice.

"I called you a few times, but I don't think you heard me under the headsets." He commented amiably. "I think we came from the same subway."

"Okay." You said simply, not knowing what to add to this conversation. Bucky smiled however, and you started walking side by side.

"You know, if we arrange the time, we could come here together next time" He says and you frown slightly. "I wish I had someone to laugh at my comments about the man in the cowboy hat who hangs out at the Sixth Avenue station." He jokes and you force a smile, trying to think of how to decline the invitation. But then you remember how Agatha insisted that you make new friends, and you are letting the words of agreement escape your mouth. "Really? I'm glad you like the idea then. We can meet in any of the first stations and come the rest of the way together."

"That'll be great." You mutter to the man who smiles contentedly.

When you arrive, Bucky waves to a few people and says he will say hello, so you walk into the gym alone.

You try not to feel so nervous about your first session with a therapy partner.

//-//

Stephen is almost late. He apologizes to everyone even though he didn't, saying that he had a minor conflict in traffic. You were already sitting in the circle, waiting for the meeting to start, when the other people came in and sat down.

Wanda sat in the chair in front of you, and you smiled awkwardly at her, who repeated the gesture before looking away from you to Stephen.

"I hope you all had a good week" Stephen began next. "Today I will be handing out the schedule of duo activities, and I expect all of you to accomplish these goals within six to eight months. Of course, no pressure." He jokes last, making the group laugh. You frown, because you are curious what kind of activities these are. "Jessica, take one and pass it to the side, please.”

Stephen asked handing some papers to one of the girls in the group who was sitting next to him. As each member took one, Stephen again spoke of the importance of communication between pairs, and how he would like to monitor everyone's progress closely. You stopped paying attention when the paper came into your hands, focused on reading the words.

Your hand rises in the air a moment later.

"Y/N, do you have a question?" Stephen asked as he interrupted his own speech when he saw your hand. You had your heart racing when you asked.

"It says drive a car here." You replied looking at him. "I don't... I don't drive."

You know that some members exchanged glances with each other, but you kept staring at Stephen.

"You can leave this activity for last. At the end of the treatment....

"No." You interrupted with a dry laugh, running your hands through your hair. "I'm not driving. I don't..."

"Would you like to share why that is?" Stephen asks tenderly, and you look around. Everyone looks at you curiously, and you feel your face heat up. Then you stare at the paper in front of you. Taking a deep breath, you try not to crumple the paper so hard as you tell it.

"My wife died in a car accident." You narrate, trying not to be bothered by people holding their breath for your confession. It was awkward to talk about it, and it was even more overwhelming to deal with the reactions of others. "I was driving, and... I can't anymore since the accident." You explain. "It's like I'm back in the car again."

You fall silent, unable to hold back your tears. The group says "thank you for sharing" next, startling you slightly. Stephen smiles at you as you look at him.

"Would you like to add anything else?"

"I would like you to tell me that I won't need to do that."

Stephen laughed. And then he denied it with his head.

"It's the opposite of that actually." He says. "I think you do need it. Maybe more than anyone else here."

You sighed, looking down. He spoke again after that, but you paid no further attention.

//-//

You swallowed your nervousness when Stephen called for the pairs to begin the first exercise.

Getting up and walking over to Wanda, you kept your gaze on the floor.

"We're going to try blind trust today." Stephen explained as he opened a small box, and began handing out black blindfolds to the pairs. He handed one to you. "You will blindfold your partner, and lead them around the gym for two minutes. And then switch who is blindfolded and repeat."

You blinked in confusion, taking one last look at the object in your hands.

"Right." You mumble, raising your eyes to the woman in front of you. "May I?"

Wanda hesitates a second, but then she nods. You turn around her, placing the blindfold under her eyes gently, and tying it to the back of her head. Wanda holds her breath momentarily, probably getting used to the lack of visibility.

" Can I hold your hands?" You ask softly as you circle her again, watching her blindfolded face. She looks... cute. The same second the thought hits you, you push it out.

"Yes." Wanda sighs raising her hands at chest height. You smile, interlacing your hands together.

"Well, we were in the circle, right?" You begin. "Come this way so you don't bump into the chairs."

Guiding Wanda through the gym, you stand close and with your hands interlocked so that she doesn't get scared of bumping into something. You catch a quick glance at Bucky, who was guiding his own partner as he passes your side.

Two minutes later, you exchange.

You hold your breath when the blindfold is on your eyes, but Wanda's hand is soft as she guides you around.

When you stumble slightly because you thought she said right instead of left, it's the first time in six months that you really laugh. It's short and quick, but it's a real laugh. Wanda laughs too, squeezing your hand lightly to get you back on the right path.

You feel a little lighter when the activity is over.

"I liked today." You comment with a shy smile after the meeting is over, and you and Wanda walk out of the place together. She smiles in agreement.

"Yeah, me too." She says. "Now we only have another twenty-four activities ahead of us."

You let out a nasal laugh, putting your hands in your pockets.

"About the homework, I can meet you when you have time." You start to say, remembering the information in the booklet, and how you probably had much more free time than a mother, and it would be kinder for you to follow whatever schedule Wanda had. "You can text me anytime you are free."

She looks slightly surprised at your words, and looks down at the floor a moment before speaking again.

"Actually, I'm free now." She says, and it is your turn to be surprised. Seeing your expression, she quickly adds. "But it's okay if you're not, or if you don't want to..."

"No, it's fine." You interrupt with a lopsided smile. "I can. I'd... uh... I would like to too."

Wanda nods frantically, and then you are silent for a moment, before turning shyly toward the street, walking side by side.

"What are we going to do first?" You ask looking forward. Wanda bites her lips, thoughtful.

"Are you hungry?"

Not much, but you don't tell her that. You just shrug, and Wanda smiles, saying that you could try the lesson of sharing a meal together.

This is how you end up in a cafeteria for lunch.

Wanda is sitting on the bench in front of you when she speaks again.

"So...do you want to have a normal conversation or do you want to follow the script of questions?"

You blink in surprise, and give a short laugh.

"Wait, is that for real?" You ask fiddling with your pockets, Wanda looks at you curiously. You take out the pamphlet you got in class, then read the back, and let out a giggle. "I hadn't seen that part. Wow, that would have been so helpful at so many times in my life."

Wanda smiles, watching you read the pamphlet.

"So you're not good at talking to people huh?"

You place the flyer on the table, looking at her.

"Are you?"

"No." She says shrugging. "Socializing has always been much more my brother's thing than mine."

You make a noise with your mouth in agreement, and Wanda's cell phone on the table vibrates. She lowers her gaze to the device, and lets out a light sigh.

"Speaking of him." She mutters as she raises her finger to the screen. She reads the notification, but does not touch the device again.

"I would like to have a brother." You count next, and Wanda looks at you. "I think it would be nice to have someone growing up together with me. Sometimes it's pretty lonely being an only child."

"I'll lend you mine if you want." Wanda teases with a smile, and you laugh lightly, looking away momentarily.

" How many siblings do you have?"

"Two." She counters. "Pietro is my twin. And the youngest is Lorna."

"How are they like?"

Wanda sighs, thoughtfully.

"Pietro is loud and nosy. And Lorna is blunt and judgmental." She says and you nod in understanding, but Wanda adds a second later, smiling, "They're amazing, really. Pietro is...very caring. He looks after the boys for me. And Lorna lives in Sokovia, but she's always calling and asking how we are, as well as visiting whenever she can."

"That seems nice." You reply. The waitress attends you two next, and after ordering, you both wait in silence for a while.

"Why haven't you asked me about my loss yet?" Wanda asks suddenly, and you look away from the wordplay that was drawn on the table to look at her with a frown.

"What do you mean?"

"I shared my loss with the group the week before you joined us." She counters. "You never asked me who I lost."

"Do you want me to ask?"

"I don't know." She replies staring at you as a mixture of confusion and surprise. "It's just... that's usually the first thing people want to know."

You nod looking away.

"Well, I just want you to tell me whatever you want to tell me." You say. "I know very well what that feels like. I don't think I could talk to any of the people I know without them asking me about Nat every time they saw me."

Wanda makes a noise with her mouth of understanding, and you fall silent again. She checks her messages next and makes a slight grimace, you can't hold your curiosity and let the words "everything okay?" escape your lips.

"Yeah, it's just... Monica." She sighs running her hands through her hair. She types something next, and looks up at you. "Monica is my brother's wife, She is... pushy."

"How so?"

"She just...she wants to help. But she wants too much, you know?" Wanda begins. "She has the best of intentions, but she just suffocates me sometimes." She counters by tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, as you look at her intently. "She lost her mother when she was younger. And since... since Vis died she just... she wants me to talk to her about it. But I can't."

You nod in acknowledgement, hesitating between what to say next, because the mention of this Vis guy seems to have left Wanda quite shaken, as she quickly wipes a tear from running down her cheek. She forces a smile, shaking her head.

"Sorry about that. It's not the best thing to cry at our first lunch." She then remarks, and you smile shrugging your shoulders.

"Don't worry, I can cry at the next one and then we'll be even." You retort and Wanda laughs. You like the sound more than you should.

When your food arrives, you and Wanda thank the waitress and talk again the next moment.

"Accordingly to this, what is our first question?" Wanda asks you nodding lightly to the pamphlet you have left on the table. You eat one of your fries as you look at it.

You lower your hand to the paper, and then let out a chuckle as you actually read the questions.

" This is ridiculous." You observe, making Wanda look at you curiously. "All the questions are death related, see: If you died, how would you like people to remember you?" You read. "Or, what song would you like played at your funeral. My god, this is a joke." You grumble as you fold the flyer, and put it back in your pocket while Wanda giggles. You look back at her next. "I am decreeing that we will not talk about death on our outings, Mrs. Maximoff. It's a rule."

Wanda smiles at you, agreeing.

"Wanda." She then adds and you look at her with confusion. "You don't have to call me Mrs. Maximoff. Wanda is fine."

You smile, nodding in agreement.

"So, Wanda, where do you live?" You ask with interest in your voice, biting into your burger next.

"Queens." She replies. "Two blocks past Bucky's apartment, who lives in Brooklyn."

"You are friends then?"

"Yeah, he's the one who introduced me to the group." She explains as you eat together. She chews some of her salad before speaking again. "And you?"

"Staten Island." You retort. "But it's actually my mother's house. My apartment is in the Bronx."

Wanda doesn't pressure you to tell her why you are living with your mother. A part of you thinks she knows why, but you are grateful that she just waits for you to share what you want, just as you do with her.

"What do you work with?" she asks next, and you sigh, biting back a smile.

"Nothing at the moment." You say, and she frowns with confusion. "It's just that I write. I’m actually a writer. With a publisher and everything. But, I'm not writing anything right now."

"I don't think I've ever met a writer before." She comments with a smile. "Do you like it?"

You look away, playing with your fries.

"I used to." You confess, but not wanting to make the conversation sad, you quickly add. "What about you? What do you work with?"

"I own a flower shop." She tells and you let out a low exclamation, finding it amazing. "I haven't been going there much lately, but I like it. It's always been what I've wanted to do since I was little."

"I'd like to visit someday."

Wanda smiles, assenting.

You spend lunch talking about the most diverse subjects. It is the lightest you have felt in a long time. Wanda tells you about her family, you learn that she lives in a big house with her two twin five-year-old sons, Billy and Tommy, and that her father was spending time with her since she lost Vis, who you figure is her husband, because Stephen mentioned that you had things in common, and it's not hard to connect the dots, even if she doesn't talk about it.

She also tells you that Pietro and Monica are helping the flower shop to keep running, and that Wanda's children love to stay at their house because Wanda's niece, Luna, is the same age as the boys.

She tells you some of her tastes, and you do the same. You both smile when you discover that you used to study at the same college, but Wanda graduated a few years before you.

When you leave the restaurant, you are not quite sure how to say goodbye to Wanda, but you don't mind her kissing your cheek and telling you that she enjoyed her lunch. You enjoyed it too, much more than you expected. She nods and turns away, and it takes a moment for you to do the same.

//-//

You decide to fix the broken screen of your cell phone.

It is because you now receive notifications of messages from Wanda, and you want to read them correctly so as not to get confused with the locations of your meetings for group activities.

You also enjoy the company of Bucky Barnes now. The first time you went to therapy together, it's a little awkward because you didn’t quite knew what to say, but he was friendly and kind, and you learned to trust him. Soon it becomes easy to share and laugh at his jokes.

In the second week with grieving pairs, Stephen brings in question and answer games. You and Wanda do very well, because it is surprisingly easy and comfortable to talk to her. You don't have lunch together, but she invites you to have coffee with her the next day, and it is very nice to see her out of therapy for once.

In the third week, you cook together. Stephen contacts a local restaurant owned by a friend, which is closed for the day, and they lend their kitchen. You and Wanda try to bake some cookies, and as you work together, the job is decent. It is probably because Wanda is a much better cook than you, and you are happy to obey whatever she tells you to do. You have lunch together again, and you find yourself suggesting that you do this whenever possible, and Wanda smiles when she agrees.

In the fourth week, there are obstacle competitions in the group. It's noisy, and it requires physical effort, but it's fun. It's the first month, so Stephen wants to see how everyone is progressing. It's only when he talks to you that you realize all the positive changes that have been happening.

You have been eating properly, and going for walks. Your nightmares have stopped since you started texting with Wanda, because she is usually busy all day and can only text at night. There is still work to be done, because you still can't talk about everything. You are still not sharing as you should, and you haven't gone back to work. But Stephen is proud, and he hands you a little progress brooch.

"I think you guys can start with the activities outside the group." Stephen suggests as soon as you accept the brooch.

"What do you mean? We have lunch together every Wednesday." You count, and Stephen laughs through his nose.

"Yes, and this is excellent." He says. "But it's still after therapy. You and Wanda have been getting along well haven't you?"

You think about the lunches. Yes. It's been amazing. You nod in agreement, and Stephen smiles.

"Why don't you invite her over for something on the other days of the week?" He suggests and you frown thoughtfully. "You could try outings that you both enjoy. Or just get to know each other's family."

"Why would we go and meet each other's family?"

"Friends do that." He says and you sigh, feeling your heart racing slightly. "Take Bucky for example. I suggested that he and Sam move in together and..."

"Wow, I'm not moving in with anyone."

Stephen laughs, touching your shoulder gently.

"I didn't tell you to do that." He says. "It was just an example. What I mean, is that socialization outside of the therapeutic environment is essential. I'd like to see you having fun excluding the activities I put on here, too."

You sigh, agreeing. It's not really a bad thing, you like Wanda. It's just weird to let people into your life again.

When you tell Wanda about Stephen's idea, you get too anxious and fumble with the words. She laughs as she raises her hands to your shoulders, asking you to breathe and repeat. She thinks the idea is very good when she understands.

Then the next week, you go to Central Park. You walk together, drink juice, and talk. You thought you would make things awkward, and not have anything interesting to say to keep Wanda's attention, but she is kind and thoughtful, and pays attention to every word you say, and finds your jokes funny. And the next thing you know, you've been talking and walking for six hours, and she has to run because she has to pick up the boys from music class.

It didn't take long for you to establish a rhythm of outings. At least twice a week outside of the therapy day, you did something together. Be it walks, or trips to the park, or sharing a meal.

You didn't want to admit it, but Wanda became your favorite person very quickly.

//-//

It was February when you met Wanda's family.

Wanda invited you to the birthday party of Luna, Pietro's daughter. It was going to be the first party you had attended since Nat's death, and to say you were feeling anxious was an understatement. But as long as Wanda was by your side in the atmosphere, you thought you would be fine.

Your mother gave you a look of mixed surprise and pride when she saw you leaving the house in an outfit other than a sweatshirt, but she didn't say anything, and you hurried to catch the subway.

It took a while to get there, but when you did, there were already a few people around the house.

You took a deep breath, and walked to the front door that was open. It was a very nice house, and you tried to find Wanda as quickly as possible.

"Hey, you came!" It was Bucky, who saw you arriving from the kitchen. He was wearing a very nice set of jeans, and smiled encouragingly at you. The two people he talked to looked at you curiously, but Bucky hurried to introduce you as "a good friend of his and Wanda's" and you felt your cheeks blush. "This is my husband Sam and this is his sister, Sara."

You smiled politely as you greeted people.

"I'm looking for Wanda." You say to Bucky, and he makes a thoughtful expression for a few seconds.

"Try the garden, I think she was helping Pietro with the snacks." He says as he puts his hand on your shoulder, and turns you in the right direction. "Follow straight this way and you'll get there."

You thanked them and waved to the other two before heading outside.

It took two minutes to find Wanda. She found you actually.

"Hi." She greeted you shyly with a smile as she approached. You mimicked the gesture. "So glad you could make it."

Wanda hugged you quickly, and you were a complete mess. Disguisedly, you smiled awkwardly, telling her you were glad to be here and wished you could meet her brother.

"Pietro is upstairs changing Luna's dress. She spilled juice on the other one." She counters and you mumble in understanding. Wanda's gaze races around and then she lets out a low exclamation. "Come, let me introduce you to Monica."

"Hey, Mon, I want you to meet someone." Wanda says as soon as you two reach a woman at one of the outside tables, wearing a very pretty blue dress. She seemed to hand out some napkins on the table.

"This is your mystery friend I imagine." Says the woman cheerfully, extending her hand to greet you.

"Hi, thank you for having me." You say clumsily as you accept the greeting. Monica doesn't mind your clumsiness one bit, and smiles, and thanks you for the small package you hand her. You were always taught that one should bring a gift if you were going to the party after all.

"It's so nice to finally meet you honey." She says smiling. "Wanda won't stop saying how funny and entertaining you are."

You cast a glance at Wanda, who just has red cheeks as she looks away.

"Here comes Pietro." Monica then exclaims, waving to someone behind you. "Come on babe, it's Wanda's friend."

A tall man approaches you, a little girl on his lap wearing a princess dress.

"Hello." Pietro greeted you politely as he stood at his wife's side. "We finally met you. We were beginning to think Wanda made you up."

You let out a half-hearted laugh, and Wanda grumbles that suddenly everyone has decided to tease her with flushed cheeks.

"Daddy, can I go play now?" The little girl asked. She was adorable, and looked a lot like her parents.

"You'll be careful, right?" Pietro asked her. "No other princess dress for you."

The girl nods and Pietro sets her down after kissing her cheek.

"I need to greet the other guests, but make yourselves at home." Monica then said, touching your shoulder lightly before leaving. You thought she was very gentle.

For the next few minutes you were basically interrogated by Pietro, but in the most polite way he could manage. Wanda stayed by your side though, so you didn't bother to tell him what you did for a living, where you resided, or with whom. He was sensitive enough not to ask about who you lost, and you were very grateful for that.

"What's he doing here?" Wanda exclaimed suddenly, interrupting Pietro's talk about his job as a seller. She had her gaze in the opposite direction from where you were standing, and Pietro sighed.

"Wanda, it was a last-minute invitation." He began, and Wanda turned her head to him quickly, a mixed look of anger and hurt. But then she took a deep breath, and forced a smile, making you frown at the whole scene.

"No, Pietro. It's okay." She says. "Don't worry, it's a party, isn't it? We're here to have fun."

A man with a thinning beard reached you all next, and you were slightly surprised when Wanda grabbed your hand, but you didn't say anything.

"Wow, it's amazing to see you guys again." The man said smiling encouragingly. Pietro rushed over to hug him quickly.

"Good to see you too, Tony!" he greeted smiling, but he also looked slightly tense. You didn't know what the story was there, but clearly Wanda was not very comfortable in the stranger's presence.

"Wanda, look at you, my little sister-in-law!" Tony said excitedly extending his arms. But Wanda didn't move, squeezing your hand lightly. The man didn't seem to mind, moving forward and hugging Wanda anyway. He pulled away quickly however, still smiling, "And who are you?” He asked you next.

"I’m..."

"Leaving." Wanda cuts you off, ducking her head as she pulls you away with her. You hear Pietro sigh lightly, imagining that he would apologize for whatever this was.

As you two walk back into the house, you consider asking, but Wanda is looking around, clearly searching for someone. She lets out a low exclamation when she finds Bucky in the living room.

"Hey, Wanda." He says as soon as he sees her. "You've seen him, right?"

"You knew he was coming?" she asked, letting go of your hand, looking annoyed. You were starting to get very uncomfortable.

"Yes." Bucky confesses looking upset, and Wanda lets out an exclamation of indignation and surprise. "I told Pietro that it wasn't a good idea, but he still needs help with the Vis business..."

"No." Wanda interrupts by closing her eyes momentarily. You blink because she seems on the verge of tears at any moment. "I just..." She starts and takes a deep breath. Bucky steps forward with his hands in the air to touch her, but she forces a smile, denying with her head to signal him not to. "We're not going to make a scene, are we? Nobody's going to want that. I just... I just need a moment."

Wanda walks upstairs next, leaving you and Bucky behind. You really didn't understand what happened, and started to consider going after her, and as if reading your thoughts, Bucky patted you on the shoulder.

"Leave her alone for a few minutes, okay?" he asks. "She just needs to get used to the idea of seeing her late husband's brother again."

You swallowed dryly, nodding in understanding. Bucky smiled weakly at you, nodding for you to join him in the small circle of people he was talking to earlier.

//-//

Every minute without Wanda at your side with a bunch of strangers was like torture. Your heart was racing and you thought you were going to hyperventilate at any moment. Bucky was probably the only thing familiar, so you stood static next to him, trying to disguise yourself as much as possible while listening to people talking.

"Thor, I'm waiting for the invitation to your wedding!" Sam joked in the middle of the wheel, drawing laughter from everyone. The tall, blond man next to him looked mildly embarrassed.

"Tell that to Jane, she's the one who's postponing it." He replies in the same tone. You don't want to hear about engagements and weddings. So you mutter to Bucky that you need to use the bathroom and he points you in the direction.

Pietro's house is easy to get lost into. You are looking for a secluded corner to stay in, and as you pass through the empty hallway, you hear a noise that attracts your attention. It sounds like loud breathing.

Confused, you walk toward the sound, carefully opening the door to what appears to be an office. You find the switch, and your eyes widen in surprise when you find a child. It is a small boy, sitting on the floor with his head between his knees. It takes a second for you to realize by the height of his breathing what is happening.

Closing the door behind you to muffle the sound of the party, you rush to kneel beside the child.

"Hey, kid." You whisper tenderly but he just sobs. "What's your name? Hey? Try to say your name for me okay?"

You bring your hands to his and he raises his head, his face stained with tears as he breathes hard.

"T-Tommy" He gasps and you nod, squeezing his hands lightly.

"Okay, Tommy. I want you to breathe along with me now okay?" You ask as you signal with your hand the movement of your breath. "In and out like I'm doing."

"I-I can't." He cries, but you insist, squeezing his hand lightly.

"Tommy, in and out. This way." You repeat firmly, until he imitates. "All right, kid. Keep going. Breathe."

When Tommy manages to start breathing properly again, you smile at him. "You see, you did very well. Want me to give you a hug?"

He nodded, and you stepped forward, hugging him tightly. He didn't let go for long moments, and you began to think he might have fallen asleep, but he moved again, and you let go.

"I'm sorry." He asked weakly, and you held his hand.

"No, honey. It's okay." You say gently, crossing your legs to sit more comfortably in front of him. "Do you want me to stay here with you?"

He nods, looking at you quickly. You wipe away his tears afterwards.

"I don't know you." He says a moment later, and you smile slightly.

"I don't know you either."

"My name is Tommy." He replies with his hands folded in his lap. "This is my aunt and uncle's house, but I've never seen you at a party before."

"Wow, you are Wanda's son." You realize with surprise. Tommy blinks.

"Who is Wanda? I'm Mommy's son."

You laugh, nodding in agreement.

"Well, Tommy, your mother's name is Wanda." You explain, and he lets out a sigh of understanding. "I'm her friend."

"Okay." He says simply. He sighs lightly then. "I'm hungry."

You look at him curiously.

"Do you want a hot dog?" You ask, and he nods frantically, smiling. "Do you want to go outside and get it, or do you want me to bring it for you here?"

Tommy is thoughtful for a few seconds, and looks at the door for a moment.

"I want to go."

"Okay."

You get up first, and then help him to stand, and keep your hand in his to comfort him.

"Hey, is everything all right?" You ask as soon as you open the door. He has his thumb in his mouth, but nods, his eyes attentive to his surroundings.

Fortunately the kitchen is empty, since the house seemed to get warm enough for everyone to go outside. You sit Tommy down at the kitchen counter and prepare a hot dog for him.

"Do you like ketchup?" you ask and he nods smiling. After handing the hot dog to him, you made one for yourself. You smiled as you both took big bites of your food. "Does your mom let you drink soda?" You ask a moment later, and Tommy looks thoughtful. "Don’t lie."

Tommy grimaces mischievously, and nods his head in denial. You laugh and reach for two glasses, pouring some grape juice for you.

"Thanks." He says thank you as soon as you hand him the cup. You think it's adorable how polite he is at this age.

"There you are, Tommy." Pietro spoke as he appeared in the kitchen. He watched the scene with curiosity. "I've been looking all over for you."

"Sorry, Uncle." Murmured the boy lowering his head. "My head was hurting again."

Pietro sighed and you exchanged a look with him. He nodded in understanding before helping Tommy down from the countertop.

"Billy and Luna are eating candy in the backyard, honey." He says as he bends down to the boy's height. "Go ask Aunt Mon to give you some too."

Tommy seems content to leave after that, but he turns and hugs your legs quickly, muttering a "thanks for the hot dog" before running outside. You place his cup of juice in the sink along with yours before turning to Pietro.

"Where did you find him?" he asks leaning on the counter with his arms crossed. You mimic the position on the opposite side.

"In the office down the hall." You count. "What does he have?"

"We don't know yet." Pietro says. "He won't turn six until November, and the diagnosis can't be made before then." The man explains, running his hand through his hair for a moment. "But I've had anxiety since I was a kid, so his doctor thinks it's the most likely possibility."

You grumble in understanding, biting the inside of your cheek.

"He's been pretty nervous lately." Pietro continues next. You don't want to interrupt him. "I guess that makes sense. I got worse when my mother died, too."

You swallow dryly, really not being intimate enough to know what to say next. But Pietro doesn't mind, he smiles, shaking his head and reaching up to pat you on the arm.

"Sorry, I don't mean to make the subject morbid." He comments humorously. "Thank you so much for helping Tommy. Come have a drink outside."

You laugh half-heartedly, denying with your head.

"Thank you, Pietro." You say. "But I think I'd better go."

Pietro blinks in surprise.

"Are you sure?"

You nod, your gaze quickly going to the stairs before returning to him.

"Yes, I'm... I'm tired." You say. "Crowded environments are quite difficult for me."

Pietro nods in acknowledgement, and then smiles, thanking you again for coming and hugging you quickly.

You smile awkwardly before heading for the exit just as he returns to the garden.

Ignoring the urge to climb up the stairs after Wanda, you leave.

//-//

When you get home, there is a message on the refrigerator door from your mother, telling you that she is going out after work and that you shouldn't wait up for her. You grumble slightly, sending her a message to use protection, before leaving your cell phone on the counter.

After taking a shower and putting on the most comfortable and warmest set of sweatshirts you have, you go back to the living room, looking for some entertainment on the television.

It must be about eight o'clock at night when a knock at the door startles you.

You are surprised to have Wanda at your front door and she hesitates as soon as she sees you.

"Hi." You say.

"Can we talk?"

You make room for her to enter, closing the door afterwards.

Wanda stops in the doorway of the room, holding her purse tightly.

"I'm sorry I left you alone at the party." She begins and you look at her attentively, noticing her nervousness. "It wasn't polite of me."

You blink in confusion, but don't interrupt her. She closes her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before looking back at you.

"It was not the right way to behave and I am sorry. I hope we continue to be grieving partners" She says.

"Wanda, why are you here?" You ask with a frown, trying to understand exactly what you are witnessing. Wanda blinks in confusion.

"To apologize."

"Yeah I'm not buying it." You retort. "I don't care about the whole manners thing, I wouldn't treat you differently just because of the party. What's going on?"

"I don't... I don't know what you're talking about." She says shaking her head slightly, her eyes wide. You look at her in disbelief, she seemed on the verge of an outburst. "I just came to apologize for not being a good hostess, and not even a good friend. And..."

"I don't give a damn if you weren't behaving as you should." You interrupt seriously. "You don't have to pretend to be okay with me. I saw the way you were forcing yourself to smile during the party. What was all that about? Why are you pretending?"

Wanda let out a humorless laugh, holding up her hands, her eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know what..."

"If you're going to lie you can leave." You interrupt seriously pointing to the door. Wanda swallows dryly, looking at you in surprise. "I'm not like those people, Wanda. I don't want to see your version of the perfect housewife, who pretends everything is fine while it's falling apart so others will feel better. Either you tell me the truth, or we' re not going anywhere."

Wanda stares at you for several seconds, then looks away, tears streaming down her face. You sigh, uncrossing your arms to walk toward the door. As you begin to open it, however, Wanda rushes in and pushes the wood with one hand, the noise and movement startling you momentarily.

"Please." She begs throwing herself against you, her arms clutching around you as she buries her head in your chest, her tears wetting your shirt. "I can't lose you too."

You sigh, hugging her back in the same intensity to calm her.

"Breathe, Wanda." You say. "I'm right here."

When she stops crying, she breaks the embrace, and you give her a smile even though she is looking at the floor. You bring your hands to her face to wipe away her tears, moving closer to give her a kiss on her forehead before pulling away.

"Let's have some tea."

As you prepare the drink, Wanda sits down on one of the stools in the kitchen. You join her after lighting the fire.

"Do you want to talk now?" You ask next, swinging your seat slightly. Wanda gives you a weak smile, nodding her head. She sighs before she begins.

"My husband died last year." She counters with a lost look on her face. "That man at the party...his name is Tony. He is my brother-in-law. He... My husband died in an accident. He..." Wanda paused, probably overwhelmed by the memories, you reached out for her hand on the counter, and she sniffled before continuing. "Tony is an alcoholic. He...he needed someone to pick him up. So he called. And Vis... They... They argued outside the bar, and someone thought Vis was a cop. And then someone had a knife and..." Wanda stopped in a sob, releasing her hand to cup her face. You stood up, hugging her by the shoulders, and she buried her face in your neck, crying heavily.

"I'm sorry." You sighed, squeezing her. Wanda cried, hugging your waist. You only let go when the kettle beeped.

She wiped away the remaining tears as you went to turn off the fire.

"Do you want to go on?" You ask as you join her again, holding her hands. Wanda gives you a tired smile, denying it. "Let's drink our tea, then."

//-//

"Can I sleep here?" The question doesn't surprise you. After you had finished drinking tea, and you tried to distract Wanda with some small talk, you stood up to take the mugs to the sink, and her voice invaded your ears with the question.

You bit the inside of your cheek, but when you turned around, you didn't hesitate to agree.

And that's how you ended up in your closet doorway, looking for extra pillows.

Wanda walked around, observing your room with curiosity. You mentally thanked your mom that it had only been two days since her monthly cleaning, and your room was not messy.

"Who is this?" Wanda asks as she holds one of your frames in her hand. You have an extra comforter in your hand as you walk over to her to look at the picture.

"This is Bruce." You say looking at the photograph for a moment. Ignoring the wave of guilt that fills your stomach, you walk over to your bed. "We've studied together most of our lives. And the girl next to him is Carol, she was my maid of honor."

"Are they the friends you don’t talk to anymore?" Wanda asks as she returns the picture to the headboard. You mumble in agreement.

"Done, Wands." You say as you place the comforter on the bed. "You can have my pillow, I'll use the cushions on the sofa anyway."

Wanda frowns in confusion.

"Aren't you going to sleep with me?" She asks and you laugh in surprise, feeling your heart race.

"W-what?"

"I thought..." She starts and seeing your reddened face she looks away, clearing her throat. "I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch."

"It's okay, really." You assure her with a smile. "I'll be downstairs and if you need anything you can wake me up."

"Y/N..."

"Good night." You interrupt with a smile, moving closer to place a quick kiss on her cheek before turning and leaving the room, your heart racing.

You haven't slept in the same bed with another woman in many months. That is absolutely not going to happen tonight.

When Wanda finally lies back against the sheets, she grumbles softly. Your scent is everywhere, and she knows very well what it means when her body shivers and she feels a small warmth at the pit of her stomach. Pushing these thoughts away, she closes her eyes, hoping that the tiredness of the day will be enough to make her sleep.

#sorry for your loss #wanda x reader #wanda x you #wanda maximoff x reader #wandaxyou #wandaxreader #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff reader #wanda maximoff you #marvel imagines

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