#Introspective musings

[big-expectations]

He often wonders what he would've accomplished if the accident had never happened. Wonders how far he would travel, how many Pokemon he'd see, how many badges he'd successfully collect. But these accomplishments weren't a dream of his, they were a mere checkbox to fill in an effort to match the accomplishments of the rest of his family. His friends. And even neighbors.

Had there been no accident, would he still have found a way to fail? Would he stumble upon his dream profession, something that still eluded his imagination? How many friends had he lost by simply not traveling the globe as a trainer?

[evilbridgetjones]

"sexo, internet, funk, joy, rage, bouts of wistful nostalgia, mr booty ham sandwich, yoshi knocking over the tree at 4am, 4 bodies on one couch, grandma noodles, bok choy, 12 olives at 4am, 생일 축하 메세지, vagabundo, 3 hour facetimes with long distance besties, perfect arabic scores, waking up crying, screaming in the mirror, drinking green things, shaking all you limbs, somatic healing, taking an angry poop like a fucking sim, hibiscus tea, upping your protein, dreaming of you, watching baki to cope, haunting the halls for 3am tea, remembering the rage, marrying the rage, taking a day off from the rage to recuperate, homemade tea blends with rose (always rose), loving fully & ceaselessly, knowing apathy is the death of love even if the latter could kill you, lovesexdeath, twenty-six"

veintesexie, evil bridget jones, december 17, 2023

[jaggedjawjosh]

You asked for my trust, then marred it with betrayal, wondering why the faith was lost.

[xyywrites]

“There’s no safety net—just the cold, hard reality of jumping off cliffs and praying there’s a soft landing somewhere in the chaos.”

[marandsviet]

When fear rises like a tide, it is courage that teaches us to swim, to trust that the shore will come into view

[moonchild-in-blue]

If you choose to look at Sleep as an allegory for depression/mental illness, the romantic and co-dependent nature of Vessel's lyrics hurt that much more.

"I hate you and you're bad for me" "I don't know who I am without you" "Please set me free" "Please don't leave me" "You're an intrinsic part of me" "I must become someone new".

Ya feel me?

[redhoodieson]

As someone who has been brainrotting about a lot of stuff, I'm in a specific dragon ball hole where I keep on thinking about the Son Family, specifically Goku's thought process throughout Z and oh my goodness I want to dissect his mind so bad because most of the fandom focus on powerscaling, fights and forms so like, this is me wondering in my little chaotic wonderland why he decided to do the thing in the climax of the Cell Saga and how it impacted the rest of the plot, most especially on fighting involving his children.

The main thought that keeps creeping into my mind is: Goku is passively suicidal, and the events of the Android/Cell Saga and Bulma's comment on how he attracts trouble for everyone involved cemented his belief that he's better off dead than alive, which he uses as the main reason for staying in Other World during those seven years.

Now, of course, this is just something I headcanon, but I think about it all the time because while he doesn't make his actual deeper feelings obvious despite being usually blunt (he is a simple person after all), imagine that your family and friends died/almost died, all because of him?

Pre-Z, he was living peacefully with his family for five years. Then the Saiyans came. He learned he is one and his mission was to destroy Earth (in reality his parents sent him there so he can live), and the Saiyan who informed him of this is his brother he didn't know he had. At this moment, even though he didn't know it before, the trajectory of his and everyone close to him changed.

Gohan got kidnapped, he died protecting his son, and since then, the thought of "I need to get stronger" is permanently etched into his character. Yes, it is wired in his genetics to seek fighting and get stronger, but I can't help but think that he also thinks that he wants to train to get stronger so he can be powerful enough to beat his opponents to protect his loved ones.

But also, his enemies keep getting stronger and stronger. The Saiyans. Frieza and his forces. The Androids. All of them are linked to him one way or another. The Androids in particular were created to kill him because he defeated the Red Ribbon Army.

And then that scene in the Cell Games where he sacrificed his life and died for the second time, you can see him completely accept his impending death, as if anticipating that he would die in the aftermath of the Cell Games one way or the other, that's why he spent the remaining days before the Cell Games with his loved ones.

And unlike before, he did remain dead. For seven years, because he believes that everyone would be safer if he's dead than alive.

Was he proven right? Honestly, I don't know (actually no he's wrong because in Future Trunks' timeline, Buu Saga still happened). During the seven years of peace, there was no world threat, which for Goku, means that he was right. Nothing bad happened. Then, the one time he decided to return to Earth for one day, the Buu Saga happened, which eventually caused the end of the world (that was eventually saved).

Imagine his thought process throughout the saga. He just wanted to participate in the tournament and spend his remaining time with his family before he returns to Other World, but no, a lot of shit happens after he gets back.

I can't also help but think that he feels that he always put his family in danger, and when his sons had no choice but to fight, he apologizes, like with Gohan during Moro Arc. Goku absolutely loves his family, so imagine his turmoil when enemies keep on appearing even in Super because of him (Frieza again, Goku Black).

Does he think of himself as a burden to his own family? No, of course not. But like, what if he does, even subconsciously/he doesn't know? His family died because he wasn't there, wasn't quick enough/stuck in a hard place (in the case of Gohan and Goten, but it's either them or Dende and Mr. Satan, which makes this also a sadistic choice). I think Buu Saga in particular must have been a very bad time for him mentally.

That's also why he keeps on finding his successor as Earth's protector. From Gohan, to Goten and Trunks, to eventually Uub. He doesn't force his children when they express the lack of desire to fight (in fact, he always supports them no matter what). He feels he needs to find one so Earth would have people to protect it once he's dead for good. That's why he left at the EoZ to train Uub.

But, since this is a shonen series and Goku is the one doing most of the pep talk (particularly for Gohan, hence why he's always more confident when Goku is around than without), it's just, ahdkdkdkdj what goes inside your head man I want to know 😭😭😭

[thehummingbee20]

is there anyone who prefers the darkness of the night and not the warmth of the day? you said you always loved the night scenery over the blinding daylight

but as the darkness sets in...your eyes search for those tiny balls of light up in the sky...you complain there's nothing to look at when there's no moon...a cloudy night sky is your least favourite cause then there's just a huge mass of darkness to stare at

so do you, do you really not prefer the warmth that darkness lacks? that i lack?

cause i only ever felt coldness and a void within me that i doubt it could ever be dotted with anything warm

.

.

[inthelandofv]

thank you for liking and reblogging, thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry most of you share similar pains, I'm sorry you never got an apology from those who hurt you

[tellsjokes-movedbacktomulti]

songs and quotes for the muse ☆ ( under the cut )

tagged by: stole from @spiritdreamt tagging: youuuuu

five SONGS for my muse:

scrawny by wallows: Still wear the same shoes I did back then / I'd switch it up but I don't like change / Scrawny motherfucker with a cool hairstyle / I say the wrong shit at the right times, If I'm offending them I don't mind / You don't like my clothes but you still like my smile / They might think they're cooler than me by a mile / I can still have wisdom and look like a child.

i don't smoke by mitski: I don't smoke except for when I'm missing you / So if you need to be mean be mean to me, I can take it and put it inside of me / if your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room, you can lean on my arm as you break my heart / just don't leave me alone, wondering where you are / I am stronger than you give me credit for

look who's inside again by bo burnham: trying to be funny and stuck in a room / try making faces, try telling jokes, making little sounds / I was a kid who was stuck in his room. there isn't much more to say about it / when you're a kid and you're stuck in your room you'll do any old shit to get out of it / Well, well look who's inside again / went out to look for a reason to hide again / well, well buddy, you found it / now, come out with your hands up. we've got you surrounded

seventeen going under by sam fender: I remember the sickness was forever / That's the thing, it lingers and claws you when you're down / I was far too scared to hit him but I would hit him in a heartbeat now / see I spent my teens enraged, spiralin' in silence / and I armed myself with a grin 'cause I was always the fuckin' joker, buried in their humor / God, the kid looks so sad / I see my mother

sloppy seconds by watsky: I don't care where you've been, how many miles, I still love you / show me someone who says they got no baggage, I'll show you somebody whose got no story / my favorite sweater was a present that I got a couple presidents ago and I promised that I would rock it till it's thread bare / every single person gotta couple skeletons / and there is not a single place that I would rather be / I'm fucked up just like you are, and you're fucked up just like me

five QUOTES for my muse:

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” - Robin Williams

“When Mom scolded you freely, you more frequently called her Mom. The word ‘Mom’ is familiar and it hides a plea: Please look after me. Please stop yelling at me and stroke my head; please be on my side, whether I’m right or wrong. You never stopped calling her Mom.” — Kyung-sook Shin, Please Look After Mom

"I want you to know that it is okay not to love me. [ … ] You are not the first person. I want you to know that you are not the first who found it a little too tough, who took two steps back when my jaws started snapping."

"Oh, I could call you names now. List a hundred reasons for why you were awful. But what would that do? Where would it leave me? I still loved you. I still have to live with that."

“in a dream I saw my mother with the love of her life and no children; it was the happiest i'd ever seen her" ―  Rupi Kaur, The sun and her flowers

[wordswithloveee]

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing....

[coldjustness]

No but, can I talk about the fact that, Neve had a very REAL worry when they first arrived to the lighthouse and wisps IMMEDIATELY started to be drawn to her. A mage - and rook depending, the ONLY mage that's in the group before Bellara is brought along. They start gathering and she immediately tries to move locations- but they follow her, and with one of your first scenes with her in her office, a very firm statement she makes is 'I need to make more wards' because she fears that she is drawing.. unwanted attention.

Which is an interesting casual comment, because it's clear she doesn't mean spiritual or physical wards, but she means wards around her mind. Which is ALSO interesting because this casual comment is a peek into Tevinter Mage education in how Tevene Mages are taught to reject those spirits - and that is by mental fortifications in the form of wards, mental barriers, and spiritual shields. So I imagine ALL Tevinter mages, have some sort of MINOR and small practices in spiritual magic just to be able to protect themselves. Nothing major or earth shattering, just seen as a causal way like you would be when you were drilled by your childhood teacher to put dots over your i's. Except they're being taught to protect themselves from demonic possession.

[coldjustness-archive]

so far with the many things I am learning from VOWS & VENGEANCE CHAPTEE 1, alone, is that thanks to her working for Varric and being long time friends with him, not only does Neve know the full story of what goes down in DAII, but she knows EVERYTHING about Inquisition.

That and, she was hot on Solas’s metaphorical and literal tail.

[jaggedjawjosh]

Being mean makes you ugly, no matter how pretty you think you are.

[xyywrites]

“I keep putting pieces together, but they don’t fit. And maybe, that’s the point.”

[marandsviet]

Courage is not the absence of fear but the determination to move forward despite it, lighting the way through the unknown.