#Incredible masking gives you even more diagnosis when tested

[stuck-in-the-puter]

"The artist formerly known as Warren Kepler" shut up, just SAY that you got a 120 on the autism masking questionnaire

[krisdreaming]

May I request an angsty/fluffy scenario with Akaashi and his fem!S/O who get pregnant after thinking she was previously infertile? I need angst but happy ending kinda things. LOL. Or if Akaashi isn’t your type, then may I request Tsukki in his place?

I LOVE THIS. I don’t know what it says about me that I enjoy this type of scenario so much, but this particular brand of angst is easily one of my favorites. And no worries, Akaashi is definitely my type for this scenario :’) (tho I’d write it for Tsukki too eheh)

WC: ~1.5k

**Fem reader and warnings for period mentions and infertility mentions**

-

You curl up a little more under the covers, closing your eyes and hoping this wave of nausea will pass. For whatever reason, over the last week or two, this has been a problem for you on a few mornings. Just as you’re about ready to suck it up and drag yourself out of bed so you can start the day, your husband peeks his head into the room. Keiji is already dressed for work, his coffee mug in his hand.

“You’re still not up?” There’s a slight worried furrow to his brow. “You’re not feeling sick again, are you?”

You sit up a little straighter, pushing the covers aside. “A little, but I think I’ll be okay once I get moving,” You say, slowly swinging your legs over the side of the bed. “I’m okay,” You add when he moves to your side, his hand at your elbow. 

“I can make you some lemon tea or something. That might help,” he moves back to the doorway and watches as you make your way around the room, gathering your clothing for the day. 

You almost refuse him, but you change your mind at the last second. “If you don’t mind,” You offer him a feeble smile, and his expression softens.

“Of course not. It won’t take long.” He moves back to the kitchen to put the kettle on as you go into the bathroom to get ready for the day. The bags under your eyes stare back at you when you glance in the mirror. With a sigh, you straighten your shoulders and set about getting dressed, trying to push the slight lingering nausea out of your mind.

»»——««

When you get home from work that day, Keiji is there to greet you at the door. “How are you feeling?” He asks carefully after greeting you with a kiss, and you smile.

“Perfectly normal. After I was at work for about an hour, the nausea was all but gone. I think your tea really helped,” You add, giving his hand a squeeze. As you move into the house, he follows after you.

“Y/N,” He says your name in the tone he always uses when he has something serious to say, and you grimace. He takes your hand and leads you to sit side by side at the kitchen table. “I was thinking today. With this upset stomach you’ve been having these last few weeks, and only in the morning...” He trails off, but you know exactly what he’s going to say and you shake your head firmly. “Do you think it’s possible that you’re pregnant?” The words are out in the open now, and even though you swallow hard, you can still feel the prickle at the corners of your eyes. It was the possibility you’d been trying your hardest not to think about.

“It’s impossible,” You say in a low voice. “You know that, Keiji. We tried for so long. The doctor said-” He gives your hand a firm squeeze, and you bite down on your lip.

“When was the last time you had your period?” He asks next, gently, always the logical one.

“More than six weeks ago,” You whisper, looking down at your linked hands instead of meeting his gaze. It wouldn’t be the first time something like this has happened. The doctor had said that any number of things could contribute to your period being late or missed. Things like the stress of trying and failing to get pregnant.

“Would it be alright if I stop at the drug store tomorrow after work and pick up a few tests?” He dips his head until he manages to meet your gaze, and you can feel your eyes filling with tears. How many times have you done this before? How many times have you had to feel the crushing disappointment of the negative result staring up at you? “If-” He pauses as if gathering his thoughts, “If you are, well, it’s good to know as early as possible, isn’t it?”

“Okay,” You say with a short nod, taking a shaky breath. “Keiji,” Your voice comes out in a squeak, and he immediately gathers you in close, tucking your head into the crook of his neck. “I don’t know if I can do this again,” You choke out, pressing your face as close to his skin as you can get.

“I know,” He murmurs against your hair, his hands rubbing comforting circles up and down your back as he presses kisses to the top of your head. You know you aren’t the only one who’d struggled through the diagnosis of your infertility. You hold onto him just a little tighter.

»»——««

The next day at work, your stomach is in knots, but this time, the reason isn’t much of a mystery. True to his word, when you get home, you see the familiar paper bag sitting on the counter. You glance at it once, then purposefully avoid looking in that direction again.

“Welcome home,” He says, turning from the sink where he’s rinsing out the containers from his lunch. 

“Hi,” You say, leaning in to give him a quick kiss in greeting.

“Do you want to wait until after dinner?” He asks, wasting no time. You heave a heavy sigh, then shake your head.

“No,” You pull your shoulders back and steel yourself. “Let’s get this over with.” You take the first of the three tests he’d purchased with you into the bathroom, and when you’re finished, you set it on the counter and start the timer on your phone. You join Keiji in the living room and gladly curl in next to him on the couch when he lifts his arm.

You aren’t really paying attention to the news that’s on, but when the timer goes off, it still startles you. “Come with me,” You say in a small voice, feeling childish when Keiji takes your hand and pulls you off the couch, leading you to the bathroom. You reach for the test with shaking hands. His head rests against yours as you both look down at the plastic stick, and your breath catches in your throat when you see the pink plus sign on the small screen. 

“No,” You say immediately. “It’s a false positive. It has to be.” It’s not the first time you’ve seen this result, but you aren’t going to be so naive as to believe it this time.

“You don’t know that,” Keiji says firmly, gently taking the test out of your hand and setting it back down on the counter. He turns you so that you’re facing him, and holds your arms steady. “This is so hard. God. Of course it is,” You watch his lip quiver though he’s clearly trying so hard to be strong for you. “But the chance is there.” You can’t help the quiet scoff that slips out. If you remember correctly, the chance he’s talking about had been something like one in a thousand. “So we have to at least see where this goes.” He slides his hands down your arms and takes your hands.

“I’m not getting my hopes up again,” You shake your head hard, trying to avoid the hysteria that you can feel creeping up your throat. “I’ll take the other tests, but I won’t let myself believe it until I hear it from the doctor.” Your grip on his hands is vice-like, but neither of you seems to notice it.

“That’s fine. That’s fair,” He says with a small nod, “But we’ll try the other tests tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon, and if they’re the same - then we’ll call the doctor.”

You nod and slide your fingers behind his neck, pulling him into an almost-desperate kiss. “I love you,” You murmur against his lips.

“And I love you,” He replies, kissing you again. “Always.”

»»——««

This is it. Despite your doubts, the other two tests you’d taken had also shown positive results. Even though that’s something that’s never happened to you before, you still refused to let yourself think it might be true. Now the doctor’s phone number is showing on your phone screen, and your hands are balled into fists. Suddenly, you can’t bring yourself to answer the call.

“Please,” You say pitifully, shoving the phone toward Keiji. 

After a beat of hesitation, he lifts it to his ear. “Hello?” You can feel your fingernails digging into your palms, but you can’t stop clenching your fists. “Yes, that’s correct.” You watch his face, but for the moment, it’s still a perfectly calm mask. “Okay,” He gives a slight nod. “R-really?” A pause, and the mask breaks. There’s a smile starting at the corners of his lips, and his gaze is locked on you. “That’s - that’s just incredible news. Really. Thank you so much.” His grin is practically splitting his face from ear to ear, but you feel frozen, still not quite wanting to believe it’s true until you can hear it from his lips. “Yes, I’ll make sure she calls you to schedule the appointment. Thank you.” The moment he hangs up the phone, he drops it to the table and pulls you to your feet, crushing you against him.

“You’re pregnant. For real. This is it.” He’s laughing, and you’re laughing, and you can feel the hot tears slipping down your cheeks, but you can’t bring yourself to care as he lifts you off your feet and spins you in a small circle.

“We’re having a baby,” You say, your fingers wrapped around his forearms as he cups your face in his hands. He’s pressing kisses all over your cheeks and forehead and nose, and each tear that falls is pressed into a kiss. “I can’t believe this,” You say, followed by a choked half-sob, half-laugh.

“Well, believe it,” He says, pulling you close again, holding you tight against him like he never plans to let go. You can feel his smile pressing into your skin.

[ladyautie]

Hey, I just found your blog and honestly I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I think I just need to put it somewhere. I think I’m autistic, and my family, therapist, close friends and people in my class (I’m training to be a therapist) agree. I’ve done a lot of research on female presentations of autism and read a lot of people’s different experiences and just. Felt so relieved because it finally clicked and something made sense and I felt seen. But yesterday I had an actual assessment to get diagnosed and it was so awful - I still want to cry thinking about it. The person was dismissive and condescending and said that Male and female presentations are exactly the same and that hyper empathy wasn’t something autistic people could have (I didn’t even mention hyper empathy, but apparently because I liked to hug people as a young child when I knew they were sad that makes me hyperempathic) and just. Essentially it boiled down to I was too good at “complex social interaction” - I’d spent the entire thing trying to answer her questions but she kept interrupting me and just pressing me until I said something that seemed to be what she wanted to hear and she sent me into a full blown panic attack. I just felt so bad, because she hadn’t even asked or let me talk about why I thought I was autistic, or what my experiences were like for me now, and I didn’t even have time to say that my therapist agreed with me. It was just 45 minutes of her making me feel stupid for not answering questions right and then trying harder to do so which then apparently meant I was too good at social interaction to be autistic. Like that isn’t something I’ve had to learn through years of bullying and careful observation of people. Idk, I’m just. So tired and exhausted and now I don’t know what to think. Have other people had experiences like this? Am I just making things up and am neurotypical?? I’m just lost.

I’m really sorry you had such an awful experience with the person that was supposed to diagnose you. Even if you were to happen to not be autistic, they never should have been that brutal and dismissive with you, they’re supposed to help you figure out why you’re the way you are, why you’re feeling stuff the way you do.

While I don’t necessarily believe in the female/male autism presentation (I think it’s more about the setting you’re born with, the way you’ve been raised, what you’ve been exposed to, how much you have been allowed to accept yourself, and just the person that you are in general), it’s no reason to dismiss your interrogations that way. 

Also, being good at “complex social interaction” doesn’t make someone necessarily not autistic, it might mean that they had to learn how to mask or that they grew up in an environment allowing them to learn this stuff. Or you might just be good at “faking it”, which, I guess, is mostly my case.

You definitely met the wrong person to assess you. My own assessment lasted an entire day (split into two mornings or afternoons, can’t remember), consisted of various tests (trying to invent a story on the spot with objects on display, doing some kind of puzzle and so on), long discussions about my past and my interactions with people, involvement of my family and my therapist, as well as the medical staff reviewing the video they took (with my consent) of my tests, analyzing my behavior (which is uncomfortable as hell, not gonna lie).

45 minutes seems incredibly short to me? Especially if this person never met you before? If you’d like to try again for a diagnosis, I think you should try to ask on the Internet if there’s a list of specialists in your area (or a bit further, if needed) that might be able to diagnose you without dismissing you.

I can’t tell you if you’re autistic or not, but the person that is supposed to diagnose you shouldn’t abuse you, shouldn’t drive you into a panic attack, and if you’re happen to not be autistic, they should be able to give you alternative suggestions to look into, so that you can get the help needed (and if you’re actually autistic, they should be able to tell you that as well).

Again, I’m really sorry you went through this experience. Take some rest, talk about this to people you trust, so that you can get some support, and take care.

[writingwithadinosaur]

“Under the Knife” - Part 7

“Under the Knife” - Part 7

Main Masterlist - Here

Story Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Hannibal Lecter x Reader, Will Graham x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 2,100-ish

Key: Chunks of text in italics are (Y/N)’s thoughts. Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: Cursing, Violence

Summary: You are Will Graham’s sister who works with him at the FBI. When you get offered a job promotion, life starts to change. Some changes for the better; Some for the worst.

Author’s Note: This is my first Hannibal piece and I am proud of it. There aren’t too many stories for Hannibal, so I figured I would add to the collection.

This does take place in some happy medium where they are all alive and work together. Sort of a happier season 1 era.

This is beta-read by @theeactress​, but please let me know if there is something that we missed or that we should look at again! 

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

Tag List

:

@fruitloopzzz

@theeactress

@melconnor2007

@ashenfallsof

@geeksareunique

@all-by-myself98

@sj-thefan

​

@fuck-your-bad-vibes-dude

​

@ntlmundy

​

@a-person-unlabled

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack was in the middle of a phone call when you opened his office door unannounced. He gave you an annoyed look until he saw something in your eyes that said that this was important. When he looked to Hannibal, who was behind you, he nodded slightly, letting Jack know that this was for sure something urgent. 

“I’m going to have to call you back.” He calmly said before putting the handset back onto the office phone base. “What did yo-”

“I think I finally got into this guy’s brain!” Jack gives you an expectant look.

“Well?! Go on then!” You take a quick breath in as you speak, making your way to one of the chairs in front of Jack’s desk. Hannibal stood off to your right slightly.

“Okay. So, we’ve been looking for a doctor this entire time, right?”

“Yes, we have.” There was obvious hesitation in his voice, worried that you would just widen the suspect list instead of narrowing it down. You continued.

“Right. But what if our killer was actually a patient of these doctors?” 

You watched Jack quickly think it over, preparing for exactly what you thought he’d point out. You pulled out a couple of print-outs from within your notebook and waited for Jack to speak. Hannibal peeked over your shoulder at the paper and read a little bit of the top page while Jack spoke.

“It would tie the doctors together, but it wouldn’t explain the method of killing.”

“It does if this patient was a former doctor himself. A plastic surgeon to be more specific.” You hand Jack the papers, letting out a breath that you hadn’t realized you were holding. 

The papers were from the initial suspect list you had gotten. You now had one person’s name and photo circled: Henry Urik. The second page was the basic information you had gotten on him early into the investigation. 

“Name: Henry Urik Age: 29 Height: 5’11” Weight (Approx.): 205lbs Hair Color: Reddish Brown Ethnicity: White Male Employment: Plastic Surgeon - Inactive”

As Jack read over the papers, you felt yourself slipping into your mental pictures. You found that missing puzzle piece that brought everything together. You could now see it all, feel what he was feeling, and truly attempt to get into his mind. Jack looked up and saw you seemingly phase-out, but he had seen something similar when your brother, Will, would be at crime scenes. He and Hannibal stayed quiet and let you do your thing.

 “Dr. Henry Urik started up his own practice relatively recently, but it failed. Probably due to some sexual allegations or misconduct or something. He popped up on the first few rounds of searches that I did, but then I saw that he wasn’t associated with any active practices or facilities, so I took him off the list. 

He lost his job, which means he is anxious and stressed, which then potentially and likely leads to a range of psychosomatic ailments; soreness, fatigue, insomnia, and most importantly, headaches. After long enough, frequent or maybe even constant headaches would drive anyone mad. Which is why Henry decides to finally go to his primary care physician: Dr. Everet. I’m sure if we get a warrant and pull a list of all of the patients that have seen our victims over the last 2 - 4 months, we will find Henry’s name on each of them.”

“That’s not a long time to plan out 4, or potentially more, murders.” Jack points out, seeing you come back to reality. 

“I don’t think these killings were really thought about or planned to every detail. He didn’t want to just kill them out of anger; that was for whoever else was in the house. He was angry and upset, but we can see that he took his time with the doctors. Maybe focusing on them and using his old medical instruments was a form of relief for him?”

“What kind of relief are we talking about here, Graham?”

“By shifting his focus from himself and his ailments, he’s distracting himself from his anxieties and stressors. Thus seeming to make his headaches dwindle.” 

“In other words, pain relief?” You and Hannibal nod in agreement. Jack continues. “Okay, but what makes him so upset that he goes out and murders four doctors and their wives?”

“We’d have to double-check with the notes in his files from each doctor, but I can bet that he wasn’t happy with whatever test results or diagnoses they were giving him.” Before Jack could say anything, Hannibal finally spoke.

“I believe I can confirm that theory.” Both you and Jack turned to Hannibal with confused looks over your faces.

“Is there something you’d like to share with the class, Dr. Lecter?” Crawford had a hint of annoyance in his tone but kept it mostly neutral. You, on the other hand, were trying to look into his mask and see if he was being serious. As far as you could tell, he was.

“Dr. Urik was a patient of mine. I say ‘was’ because I only ever had two sessions with the man. He was referred to me by Dr. Everet. He showed signs of incredible anxiety over the idea of not being able to be in his profession after a patient accused him of sexual harassment during one of their appointments. He also showed signs that could be tied to bipolar disorder or something more severe. Unfortunately, I couldn’t form a full diagnosis after only those two sessions. I haven’t heard from him in roughly 4 months.”

“Which all lines up with (Y/N)’s profile.” Hannibal nodded.

“I tried to explain the possibility of his headaches being a manifestation of his anxiety, but he did not like that answer. Saying that it must be something tangible; something he could fix with medicine or a procedure.”

“Well, that explains why you are potentially his next target.” You spoke your thoughts out loud, which came out slightly snarky. 

Hannibal turned his attention to you. You were slightly staring off. To anyone else, it would look like you were zoning out, but Hannibal knew that it was a sign of your mind working hard.  

Somehow hearing that Hannibal had a possible solid connection to the killer, a wave of fear hit your heart. You cared about Hannibal, and you knew he cared about you. You weren’t sure he could tell, but one could say you had grown to love this man. And it only took being threatened by a serial killer to let that thought process in your mind.

“So it seems.” 

“Aren’t you glad you joined the case now, Dr. Lecter?” You poked fun at Hannibal, the sharpness in your voice only evident to him. You thought you hid your true feelings well enough, but Hannibal could see right through your facade. He knew you were scared. Not only for his well being but your own as well; using humor as a way to make the situation seem a little less harsh.

Before Hannibal could respond, Jack posed a question.

 “It doesn’t explain you, (Y/N). Why does this guy want to get to you?” You all pause for a beat. You try to get into Henry’s mindset and see any possible reason as to why you would also be targeted.

“I don’t think there is a reason. Maybe he read the TattleCrime article, saw that I was with Dr. Lecter, and then associated me with him. Or maybe he is following us and knows that I have a role in his case. Whether that means I am actually important to Urik or not, I can’t say for certain. He could just see me similarly to the wives of the other doctors. We won’t know for sure until we can ask him.”

As Crawford makes some decisions in his head, you can’t help but start to twist your ring. The idea of yours and Hannibal’s lives being in danger was a terrifying thought. You didn’t know what you would do if something happened to him and he wasn’t a part of your life anymore. Yes, there was still a ghost of confusion and uncertainty with him at the moment, but that was pushed to the backseat after today’s findings.

You looked away from Jack for a quick second to see if Hannibal showed any signs that he was scared. Much to your surprise, he was not only already looking at you, but through his stoic face, his eyes showed something. You looked away as you heard Jack lean forward in his chair, but you couldn’t figure out what that emotion in Hannibal’s eyes was.

After what seemed like forever, Crawford explained his plan of action.

“Alright, I’m going to get started on getting those files and getting a team out in the field looking for this guy. You two are going to have an armed agent following you until we get Henry in custody. They will be hidden, but know that you two will be protected.” You let out a small sigh of relief. “After you compile all of your notes and initial thoughts on Urik, have them sent to me. Then you two are dismissed for the night. Go get a drink or two. We are going to finally catch this son of a bitch.” 

You nod and start to stand up to head to the door. Before you could step away from his desk, Jack got your attention.

“Graham.” 

“Yes, sir?”

“Good work.” You couldn’t hide the proud smile that you tried to smother off your face as you said a quick “Thank you, sir” and made your way out of his office, Hannibal behind you.

Hannibal escorts you back to your office. Once you get inside, you and Hannibal spend a solid 20 minutes working out every detail that you could about Henry Urik. You quickly type it all out and send it through to Crawford’s email.

“Alright. Everything is sent and I am ready for a glass of wine and then passing out for the night for some much-needed sleep.” You started to get your bag together as Hannibal sat in one of the office chairs and watched you, trying to get you to be comfortable with him again. 

“A well-deserved rest, my dear. You did incredible work today.” You quickly looked up to see him staring at you, a rare smile crossing his face as you two briefly made eye contact. You tried to hide the small blush that you felt creeping its way onto your face. 

Hannibal didn’t smile often, and when he did around you, it always made your heart flutter. Getting to see that rare treat and have him compliment you on your work was an unexpected but appreciated way to end the day.

You let out a small “thank you” as you gathered the last of your things. Hannibal stood up and grabbed your coat from the back of your chair. He offered it out for you to slide into, but you didn’t want to wear it, so you took it from him and draped it over your arm. Another small thank you and you two were out the door, headed to your car. After being called out by your killer, Hannibal felt a bigger need to make sure you got to your car safely, even if you were going to have a guard watching you from afar.

He opened the car door, but before you could sit down, he finally asked what had been circling in his mind for the last 30 minutes. 

“Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow? I understand that you have your reservations about talking to me recently, but now that you have done a marvelous job at putting a name to the Virginia Scalpel, I wonder if now would be a good time to try to talk personally. Perhaps even get back to how things were before this case.”

You stood there, the car door being a physical barrier between you and Hannibal. You instinctually fiddled with your ring, mulling over his offer. You can’t help but feel your heart hurt at the lack of time you’ve had with Hannibal. Letting yourself have time to just focus and work on the case over the last week was beneficial. You could now think about more personal things clearly and see that you weren’t as upset with Hannibal as you had been.

You look back up at him and see him observing you, trying to figure out what was going on in that wonderful mind of yours. A small smile grew on your face as you finally spoke.

“What’s for dinner, Hannibal?”

[meloncubedradpops]

Repo! The Corona Opera: Final Countdown

This is the third and final installment of Repo: The Corona Opera. In the first piece, I made the argument that the surreal events we are experiencing in 2020 remind me of the world in the movie Repo! the Genetic Opera. My second essay compared the characteristics of fascism with the same movie. Here we will tie together ideas in both works to highlight a dark path that America is on, based on what we know about Repo!, in the hopes that we can reject the evils of those who are sacrificing our health and safety for their own selfish reasons. 

When I began thinking about this movie through the lenses of COVID-19, I saw uncanny patterns that just years ago seemed like an exaggerated storytelling. Millions of people dying from organ failure. Yeah, but how? 

Then 2020 happened. Oh, that's how. Sure the disease doesn't affect everyone in the same way, but its wrath and potential to harm are tremendous. The death toll in the United States alone is, as of today, is 231,000. At least, that is the death toll we are know so far. It will take time when the dust settles and we can analyze the excess death data to truly know how many of our fellow Americans have died. 

And while our world does not currently emulate those opening comic scenes in Repo, the impact from the sudden loss of life will be felt for a long time. There are a lot of really great themes in Repo: the concept of the family, drug addiction, the impact of corporate monopolies, and let's not forget it's a gothic coming-of-age story too. I am going to highlight three concepts that weave together our current reality with the world of Repo: the parallels of the Trump and Largo family, the Graverobber as the symbolic "other", and organ repossessions is genocide.

As mentioned in my previous entry, I highlighted the ways that Rotti Largo is a fascist. I went into detail supporting the argument that his company GeneCo holds tremendous and unyielding power in the city we see in the movie. And despite his efforts to save humanity from extinction, his assumed heirs and blood-related children are nothing short of entitled mediocrity. I will draw many parallels between President Donald Trump and Rotti Largo throughout the duration of this essay, but let's take a few minutes to talk about their children. Believe it or not, this meme was made by myself and my friend FOUR years ago, almost to the day! 

But unlike 2016, I had no idea that I'd find multiple comparisons to draw upon. And frankly, if we all knew how bad this presidency would be, for both America and the rest of the world, we might have made less jokes from our complacency. I ask the the real question though, which Trump and Rotti offspring are most alike?

Now, I've wanted to do this thought exercise since the inception of my essays. The surface level combinations would look something like, Amber and Ivanka (since they're both women, obvs), Donald Trump JR as Luigi (oldest child), and Eric Trump as Pavi ("you're just his useless brother!"). 

However my boyfriend raised a great point that had me rethink this: Donald Trump Jr is ACTUALLY Amber Sweet. When I took out the gender aspect out of the equation, it made so much more sense. In my next point, I will go into drug addiction in a much more dignified manner. But let's just take a moment here to consider the following. 

We know that Amber Sweet is addicted to two things in life: surgery and pain killing drugs to make surgery bearable. Amber Sweet's character provides an incredible insight to the daily life of the people in Repo. If you subtract the Zydrate Anatomy scene, you would hardly even know that zydrate is devastating lives of the people addicted to it. We hear about zydrate in the graveyard as a commercial and the media spends its first opportunity asking Rotti about zydrate's "use and abuses". After Sweet becomes a no-show in the presser, we quickly learn that she runs a support group for fellow addicts, or at least she is supposed to. 

How does this relate to Trump Jr? Quite simply, many are speculating that Trump Jr abuses cocaine. The most compelling evidence is his speech during the Republican National Convention. Now, obviously we don't have solid evidence that he is indeed consuming and abusing cocaine, and quite frankly if he is, that would not be incredibly surprising or even a huge deal. 

But the conversation doesn't end here. President Donald Trump did not hesitate to bring up former vice president Joe Biden's son Hunter Biden and his battle with addiction during the first Presidential Debate. It was a low jab, especially considering that the United States is going through a crippling opioid crisis, which he even admits is exacerbated by covid-19 and related lockdowns. Both Donald Trump and Rotti Largo exploit their own children in this manner. I mean, Donald Trump helped fucked up the Trump Foundation where his children were held prominent positions, which was caught stealing from a charity intended to help children with cancer! Every time we see Donald Trump Jr on our doom-screens, we get another glimpse into Jr's downward spiral. And with every additional crime that all of president Trump's children become implicated in, the more and more we can see that this family is rotten to the core. 

If Trump Jr is Amber Sweet, then Ivanka is Luigi. In Repo, Luigi can be described as nothing short of a homicidal maniac. I am not saying that Ivanka commits murder, at least not directly, but she does hold a lot of power in the White House. Spend any time learning about the machinations of the White House, particularly in the early days, and you will learn Ivanka competed with Melania for a voice in the administration, and still works for the White House today. Even if you exclude all of the shady business ties, such as the dozens of Chinese patents (including for voting machines!!!) Ivanka has filed, clearly the boundaries of nepotism do not exist for this family. Luigi somehow kills multiple people in the movie and faces no consequences for it. How can this be? Obviously corruption, but that is too simple. If there were multiple checks and balances at one point that would have forced Luigi to face justice for his crimes, they have obviously failed to come to roost in the movie. The obvious common denominator between today and the world of Repo is that those who want power will do anything to obtain and maintain it. Does the public know about every murder committed by Luigi? Does the public know about every crime committed by Ivanka (and also by proxy her husband Jared Kushner, who by the way, failed to pass mandatory security clearances but still has access to the intelligence of our government)? Jared intentionally made it difficult for many of the states hit hardest by covid-19 in the early weeks to acquire the necessary medical supplies because the electorate did not vote for Trump in 2016. That. IS. MURDER. Just as Luigi calls the common citizens in Repo "filthy mice", “Jrvanka” (and the Right at greater) frames the nation as two groups: us and THEM. Luigi is much less calculated, but the comparisons are there. If given the chance, the Trump and Largo family will kill because of their sociopathy, greed, and egos. 

Admittedly I don't have as compelling of a comparison for Eric Trump and Pavi. However I will say that both Pavi and Eric do the bidding for their father's empire, and I would also argue that both feel like they have to compete to get a modicum of attention and love from a paternal figure devoid of basic empathy. And at the end of the day, they do not reject their father's tyranny. And honestly that is enough of a comparison for me. 

Last but not least, I can't ignore the fact that the official Republican Party platform for the 2020 election is loyalty to Trump in the absence of any other political or philosophical idea. A majority of the speakers at the Republican National Convention were members of his family. Their pitch to Americans is “Just Trust Us”. However, a quarter million Americans aren't here to agree or disagree with that statement. With each passing day, more and more Americans are getting sick, to the tune of tens of thousands of cases a day on average currently. The Largo family and GeneCo are not much different. Remember that scene in 21st Century Cure where Shilo and Graverobber are in a mass grave where we can see truck loads of humans being added to the pile of corpses? 

The only real thing separating the corpses from the rest of the city is a poorly constructed brick wall and the years of propaganda that normalizes what I imagine would be a terrible pungent smell of death. 

The entire Trump family came into the first presidential debate without masks. The president was literally sick with a virus that statistically speaking, could kill his opponent; and he was on stage shedding this incredibly contagious virus screaming and shouting, spreading his droplets everywhere. The Trump family failed to show up early enough to be tested for covid before the debate. 

This was not an accident. Jared Kushner bragged to journalist Bob Woodward back in April that Trump was going to take the country "back from scientists". As of this past weekend, we learned that Trump is floating around the idea of firing our nation's leading disease expert Anthony Fauci in a time where our cases, deaths, and hospitalizations from covid-19 are surging. It is almost grotesquely poetic how similar this is to GeneCo. GeneCo is a company in the healthcare industry, but they exploit the worst parts of society, which I will go into very soon. And in its effort to achieve maximum quarterly profits, the ends always justify the means, even if that results in fascism and excess death/suffering. Rotti's body guards kill the doctor who gives him his grim diagnosis. Trump didn't kill the doctors treating him during his recovery with covid, but information we got from the White House doctors were straight up WEIRD. We witnessed a Gentern being killed by Luigi in the Mark It Up Scene for no other reason besides existing in the proximity of him. Trump has spread misinformation about how there's more money to be made when a doctor declares a death as a covid death. I am finding it hard to see the difference. I think I've made my point regarding the parallels of the Trump and Largo family quite clearly, but you may see additional points I bring up as the rest of my essay unfolds. 

Society is complex with more nuance than we give it credit to. The different ways that various groups of people interact with are endlessly interesting, and one of the reasons I love Repo so much is because there's an incredible amount of unpacking that you can do, even in the absence of written dialogue about it. 

If you don't know, Repo started out as a story originally penned as "The Necromerchant's Debt", which gave the Graverobber character a more active role in the world crafted by Darren Smith and Terrace Zdunich. When watching the movie Repo! The Genetic Opera, the Graverobber is certainly a character seen in multiple scenes, but in a lot of ways, his importance is left out. An entire scene was cut from the film, see Needle Through a Bug below if you're interested. 

Regardless the parts that we do see are still greatly impactful. Graverobber is essentially the symbolized "other" living in a world that is greatly stratified by social class, and he's doing what he can to survive. 

Now if you have been living on this planet we call Earth and have ever paid attention ever, you probably have noticed that there are a lot of power structures that influence the resources and opportunities that aid in our development and maintenance of our needs. The access to being able to elevate ourselves above basic survival are typically contingent upon a few things, one namely our ability to draw a paycheck. As I mentioned in my last essay, so many things went wrong to have what would equivalently be either a drug trafficking felony in today's terms or maybe theft, result in permissible extra-judicial murder. And I am not saying that Trump's bragging of the extra-judicial murder of an ANTIFA activist is at all related, but look at the way Trump compares his dissidents with the way GeneCo treats Graverobbers.

 We are experiencing the early stages of economic collapse, millions of people are hungry, soon-to-be evicted, jobless. And yet, the Republicans in power just HAD to rush through a Supreme Court justice. When arguing against lockdowns that would have saved lives, the Right spent countless hours arguing about increase suicide, drug use, poverty, domestic abuse, blah blah blah, you know all the things that were there and as equally as important pre-pandemic? And they did NOTHING to help mitigate this disaster beyond the bill that was passed this spring. The house passed the HEROES Act back in May, and senate majority leader Mitch McConnel declined to take a vote on it. 

Never mind the fact that landlords are still expected to pay the banks their mortgages on their investment properties. Never mind the fact that rent wasn't cancelled. Never mind that the Trump administration sought to prevent any oversight into the first bill passed previously to prosecute fraud. So you know, we can make sure the money went to small business owners, and not instead to the many, many crony ties to the administration who were approved for huge amounts of money. Honestly to think about this is kind of sickening, particularly when you relate it back to Repo and my essay I wrote on fascism.

I could probably talk all day about our failure with the "War on Drugs", but I feel like you can probably see based on the efficacy of its policies that drugs still exist and people are still abusing them. I bring this up because the Graverobber's occupation is essentially a drug dealer. However he sells a counterfeit of zydrate derived from the body of a bug who naturally borrow in a corpse's body, which is and also isn't stealing from the corpse / their estate, but is somehow still "bad" enough that you can legally be killed "on site" if a Gene Cop thinks you're harvesting the blue brain goo. I mean this entire concept makes my brain hurt. 

The Graverobber, as a concept, is a perfect example of the enemy who is simultaneously the biggest and the least threat, and the only way to stop them is to kill them before they can appeal before the jury of their peers or go to prison to pay for their crimes. And I am sure the propaganda that justifies this is beautifully orchestrated. It literally mimics Russian propaganda, AKA the biggest foreign intelligence threat since, I don’t know, the Cold War? I can picture authoritarian stump speeches now: 

"Here the Graverobber who comes in the night, tempting your children. They sell the promise of a good time, but did you know they are raping your daughters for this drug?? They can get your husband hooked on zydrate, and you won't know it's coming until he comes home unrecognizable. These thugs are stealing your grandmother's ring off her corpse, and you will find her half-rotted corpse thrown askew across her tombstone when you go to pay your respects."

And yet Graverobber defends himself:

"Industrialization has crippled the globe (Enjoy GeneCo's day and nighttime formula of Zydrate) Nature failed as technology spread (Ask a gentern if Zydrate is right for you) And from this wake a market erected (Buying Zydrate from an unlicensed source is illegal) An entire city built on top of the dead! And you can finance your bones And your kidneys For every market a submarket grows But best you be punctual With making your payments Lest it be you on the concrete below It's quick! It's clean! It's pure! It could change your life! Rest assured! It's the 21st century cure! And it's my job To steal and rob GRAVES!" 

He then goes into detail about how this is just the cost of doing business with his modern world. How many of our current and future stories by those who will not make a single sentence in our history books will be casted as enemies of the state who were ultimately just trying to make end's meet? You can deport the illegal immigrant but neglect to prosecute the American company who hired them to work here? How is that much different? If the people in Repo need this drug to cope with the deaths of their loved ones and their livelihoods, then what does that say about the soul of their nation? 

If you are still with me at this point, I want to thank you so much. I am going to conclude on a fairly heavy topic, but it is one worth having. Organ repossessions in Repo are genocide and in America, we are currently also committing genocide. 

The whole premise of the film is the justification that those who fail to make payments on their surgeries deserve to have their organs repossessed, because what other reality is there with unrelenting end-stage capitalism? People are losing their whole lives as I type this, through no fault of their own. Most Americans cannot afford a $400 emergency expense pre-covid-19. Millions are unable to pay for basic life expenses, such as rent, healthcare or food. Our president specifically shoved a Supreme Court justice because he wants the American Healthcare Act to be deemed too unconstitutional for public policy. Never mind the 100+ million Americans with pre-existing conditions. Never mind the millions who acquire their healthcare through the ACA marketplace. Never mind the fact that we are in a once-in-a-century PANDEMIC. Never mind that we spend more per capital on healthcare than anywhere else in the world. Never mind that the Right does not have ANY sort of plan to replace something in its place. How could MILLIONS die in an organ failure crises in Repo anyways? We already know that the Trump administration already stopped caring about covid deaths when we learned it was hurting people of color disproportionality than the general population. 1 out of 1000 black Americans have died from covid. Reread that sentence. If you don't believe me, go out and seek those facts for yourself. When we think of genocide we think of Hitler killing thousands of people via gas chambers. But there are SO many other steps that lead to the normalization of that. 

Undesirables, aka the "others", are easy to discard. Is it a surprise to anyone that ICE gynecologists are removing the uteruses of detainees? I almost made my whole essay about that one controversy alone. Genocide is insidious like that. 

"Oh but if she didn't want that hysterectomy, she shouldn't have tried to come to America for a better life, even if that's what my ancestors did." 

Of course not, she's the "other", and you're the law-abiding citizen. You were able to afford the extra $30 a month for the upgraded booby package that gave an otherwise unremarkable kidney transplant a fun twist by including breast implants. The orphan who works the streets because his parents died during the plague who needed a new pancreas because insulin became too expensive is threatening your suburbs. Bonus points if the orphan has a hint of melanin in his skin or if your daughter shows favor towards his antics, completely ignoring the fact that his mommy and daddy were killed by preventable disease. I have no idea if this was intentional or not, but look at the makeup of people who get their organs repossessed in Repo and try not to tell me there's a trend. Yes it could have been the coincidence of casting, but nevertheless it is worth mentioning. We don't see many people of color in this movie, but of the few we see, they get murdered by GeneCo/Wallace. And I don't care how stupid coincidences are because that is exactly what is happening with covid-19. The so-called essential, working class citizens (who are disproportionally POC) are putting their whole life on the line to serve everyone else who works at home. 

The ends justifies the means, kill enough elderly and the federal government won't have to pay out on social security. Force everyone to get back to work and fuck you if you think you deserve money for the hours you weren't allowed to work (oh and by the way we want to make it so you can't sue for covid-19 related liabilities). Oh you lost your job, "try something new", as told by Ivanka Trump earlier this summer. 

My main point is if you let fascism get control, they will normalize genocide and put you in jail for even making the connections of corruption. "Millions of people dead from organ failure, what's adding a few more to the pile in the name of law and order?" "The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat". Once again, I am failing to see the difference. 

Okay I threw a lot at you just now, and the fact you made it to the end is a miracle. If you skip around because you have a squirrel brain like me, I thank you as well. The fact we get out of bed everyday and do anything right now is a miracle and I know attention can be finite. 

I am writing this on the eve of the United States General election after having wanting to write this since June of this year. I am tired. We are ALL Shiloh right now. Our lives have been on pause. "I must be brave", "I'll capture it", "Run back inside". Yeah girl, same! I haven't talked about her much throughout any of my essays, but I have to give credit where credit is due. 

Humans are a resilient creature. We have millions of years of experience on this Earth, and much of our survival has been based on pure dumb luck. But we have blown so many other species out of the water in one way alone, and that is our ability to communicate. 

We don't have to let people who exploit our weaknesses control us. The sociopaths who try and run our society did not historically aid in our survival. They didn't care if we ate the mushroom that killed us or would have protected us when threatened by wildlife, it was our tribe. The Right has successfully hijacked that bond between the self and the tribe so that it can fit the needs of sociopathy and greed. It is not normal for a president to tell a nation that "it is what it is" when over 100k citizens die from a preventable disease. Do not let the sociopaths throw us in that tiny pine box in a mighty small drop in a mighty dark plot, hastening the trip to our epilogue. Because every inch you give, they will take a mile and charge you by the hour. Never forget that.

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Oh would you look at that! The insane level of reblogging that my chronic pain post is getting has reminded me of yet ANOTHER aspect of the culture within the chronic illness community that I cannot abide or support. 

Let’s examine this, shall we?

Within the last day or so, someone reblogged it and added the hashtag “fuck doctors”. hm... Let’s talk about why that’s not ok at all, shall we?

Now, this isn’t an isolated incident. I actually see that sentiment a lot, often paired with “you know your body best” and often coming from so-called “self diagnosed” people who spout off about knowing more than doctors. 

First off, just to get this out of the way, self diagnosis is not valid. I’ve said it before and I will say it until the day I fucking die; it’s absolutely ok and encouraged to do some research as to possible causes of your symptoms, it’s ok and encouraged for you to advocate for yourself and to bring them up to your doctor to see if they feel the overall symptoms fit that diagnosis. It’s ok and encouraged to seek a second opinion if you feel necessary. 

HOWEVER it is not ok to doctor hop again and again until you find one who tells you what you want to hear. It isn’t ok to claim you have a condition that a medical professional hasn’t diagnosed you with. You can say “oh I think I may have this, but I need to bring it up with my doctor to see what they think.” You do not know more than your doctor. While you may suspect you have something based on your symptoms and a google search, your doctors have been to med school (hence them being a doctor and you not being one) so there are definitely things either within your symptoms or within the diagnosis that you don’t really know about or understand that make it a poor fit. 

Yes, occasionally you will bump into a doctor who is a prick that doesn’t listen to patients at all. BUT if every single doctor you see is ‘mean’ or ‘not listening’ or ‘a bully’ then you need to take a step back and take a look at what you are doing. There’s a saying that applicable here: It’s common to meet an asshole from time to time, but if everyone you meet is an asshole, then it’s more likely that you are the problem/asshole. That also applies to doctors. 

“omg Dr. Morrisey, get to the fucking point, yo.”

I feel you. I’m long winded. sorry about that. 

So the chronic illness community at large has fostered an attitude and stance the last few years or so that if a doctor doesn’t agree with you or give you what you want, they are horrible and mean. Typing that out or saying it out loud, it sounds like a very spoiled child, right? Yeah. In the same vein, there’s been an attitude that has sprouted and taken root from that, which is the ‘fuck doctors’ thing. It’s basically fostering a blanket distrust and dislike of medical professionals, which is incredibly dangerous. 

I understand how frustrating it can be to be undiagnosed and not know what is happening to your body, to just want a name for it so you at least know what you’re up against. As someone who didn’t get diagnosed until she was 31 despite glaring, lifelong symptoms, I get it. But that doesn’t make it ok to self diagnose or distrust and discredit medical professionals, most of whom are just trying to help. They usually want to get to the bottom of things just as much as you do. They became doctors to help people become healthy or at least mitigate the impact of their condition via various types of symptom management. 

Chronically ill people (and really people in general) need to keep in mind that information within the field of medicine is constantly changing, evolving, being added to. As more conditions are discovered and more information about currently known conditions and how to treat them is discovered via research and clinical trials, the more new information doctors have to learn. And the field of medicine in general moves forward so rapidly that there is no conceivable way for every doctor or medical professional to keep up. I think that as long as they are willing to learn new things, even if only as they come up, then they are doing fantastic. 

Let’s talk about a real world example, shall we? 

I have vascular ehlers danlos syndrome. It’s a fairly uncommon and serious subtype of the ehlers danlos family of conditions. When my rheumatologist gave me a clinical diagnosis of just ‘ehlers danlos’ while we awaited my genetic testing appointment, I went in to my general doctor to update her. She said, “Well, I don’t know much about EDS, but I will do some research to get us through until we find out for sure which type you have, then I will dig into that one, too.” My cardiologist was the same way and when I came into my first appointment after notifying them of my official diagnosis (post genetic test), he was visibly excited because he found the research about it to be really interesting and he wouldn’t have ever done research about it had I not been his patient. 

My point in this example is that doctors are people, too, and cannot be reasonably expected to have all knowledge of every condition ever, especially with the rate at which new information is discovered in their fields, how quickly advances are made. Think about it. Would it be reasonable for you to know every single thing about whatever field you are in? No because that wouldn’t be a reasonable expectation for any human being. What is expected is a willingness to listen, observe, and learn on the doctors part and a willingness to listen, adequately and realistically communicate, and follow your treatment plan is expected of you as a patient. 

This whole movement of demonizing medical professionals and nurturing a distrust in them has to stop. This weird culture of thinking that your google search overrides their medical degree has to stop. 

I mean, shit, I’m betting a lot of the chronic illness community who does that last bit were rolling their eyes, shocked, or just plain livid at all the people during this Covid pandemic who claimed their google research was more valid than the medical professionals at the CDC, WHO, and various governments’ agencies. 

Yep. When you run around your chronic illness blog or group claiming that your research & life in your body is more valid than the experience, education, and conclusions of your licensed medical professional, you sound JUST LIKE the people who during the pandemic have claimed that what the CDC and WHO say is wrong and needing masks is a lie because they “did their ReSeArCh” via facebook or google. 

So, stop acting like a covid denier or anti masker. stop nurturing this hate and distrust of doctors who more often than not are just trying to help. Yeah, they may tell you stuff you don’t want to hear or disagree with, but the fact is that at the end of the day, they literally went to school for AGES specifically for this. No amount of google searches or living in a body is going to outweigh that. 

If it did, we’d all be fucking doctors. 

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Better Living Through Surgery: Life with Less Cancer!

[Originally posted August 13, 2020]

Hello from Penn Hospital!

Not to worry - I haven't been here the entire time since my last post, although I did end up spending an entire week in the hospital. Right now I'm sitting in the outdoor section of the cafeteria, which might be a mistake given that I'm not allowed to eat anything until after my CT scans at 1pm. The CT scans are part of my preparing to resume treatment for the rest of the cancer that's still in my body. The last time I had chemo was June 23rd and I've now hit the sweet spot of being a month past my mastectomy (so, mostly recovered) and out of other treatment long enough that I'm not suffering side effects any longer. It feels...almost like I don't have cancer at all.

Two Surgeries for the Price of...Two!

Let me back up a bit to the surgery though. I'd like to report that everything went totally smoothly...and it sort of did! Except that I had to have two surgeries because it also sort of didn't. As usual, what happened to me was super rare (less than 1% of cases!) and I would like to submit a formal retraction of any wishes I had to be exceptional. I've read "The Monkey's Paw." I know to be careful what I wish for. (Although, actually, I'm lying because I still plan to be the exception to the median life expectancy of those with my particular type and stage of cancer. If I have to be in the 1% of cancer cases it ought to be a good thing at least once.)

I had two surgeons for the two parts of my first surgery: one for the mastectomy (removing that incredibly stubborn initial tumor) and one for a "flap reconstruction," which used my own tissue (from my stomach - free tummy tuck!) to build a replacement. When they do that second part, they also take a blood supply so that a substantial part of it is vascular surgery. The reason that the reconstruction ever fails is if something goes wrong with the blood supply. If that happens, it's nearly always (99% of the time!) within 24 hours. What happened in my case was that everything went well with the surgery, even though it took about 7 hours, and I was recovering well and quickly. I was set to go home after my third night in the hospital (so, on Thursday).

Overnight on Wednesday, however, something went wrong with the blood supply. The new tissue was filling but not draining. What they later learned, once they rushed me back into the OR, was that the vein in it had a blood clot. They were able to fix it by taking a vein from my ankle to replace it. So basically that reset the clock on my recovery so that I ended up having to stay an additional three nights, going home on Sunday. (My initial surgery had been on a Monday.) It's actually extremely lucky that I was still in the hospital, despite how sad I was at having to stay. If I had been at home, far away from experts and surgeons, the tissue probably would have died and the reconstruction would have failed. It was a close thing since I was set to go home.

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital doesn't need a reminder of how, despite everyone's best intentions it is pretty terrible. I hadn't spent a night in the hospital since I was a newborn, despite all my various treatments, so I didn't know. Now I do and I never want to go back. The hardest part is that they have to wake you up almost constantly for vitals and to assess how the blood supply is doing (listening for arterial and venus sounds). For the first day after each surgery this was every 30 MINUTES, then every HOUR, then finally (on my final night) every 2 hours. And I'm the kind of person who's AWAKE as soon as I wake up. So I essentially didn't sleep more than an hour at a time until the bitter end when a nice nurse got a nice doctor to give me some kind of sedative so that I was able to sleep through the checks. I don't have a kid, so let me just say that this level of sleep deprivation was like nothing I had ever experienced. I see why the CIA used it as a form of torture. I'm a veteran of being tired and of many different kinds of fatigue but never have I been unable to get into REM sleep for so long. I am eager to avoid it at all costs again.

I had been more worried about the boredom than the lack of rest (because, at least on paper, the hospital seems like a place where you would mostly be resting/recovering) and it was indeed very boring. I was SO tired that I wasn't able to really do anything like read a novel, knit, or even really watch TV. I did binge a few podcasts, return to some more "Buffy," and attempt to chat to my parents when they could be there. The COVID visitor policy made it even more isolating and lonely than it would usually be. I was only allowed one "designated visitor" per day so my mom and dad switched off on who that was. Visitors could only be in the room and, once you left, you were gone for the day. So, for example, it's not like my mom could say hi in the morning, pop out and get us lunch, and then come back. All visiting was consolidated for the day. That meant that I tried valiantly to be good company for a few hours, but I imagine mostly I was too exhausted to accomplish that.

I took laps around the hallway (in my mask), which was actually a big achievement especially given the four surgical drains that I had (and left the hospital with). It's amazing how quickly you can lose conditioning in your muscles...and also how exhausting it is for your body to have been, essentially, assaulted and be dealing with wounds. That said, I've been super impressed by my body's healing capacity. I got the drains out within a week for one set and 10 days for another. After that, it was much easier to feel like I was healing and returning to normal. I'll have to rebuild my abdominal muscles, since that part of the surgery involved cutting them (and a new hip-to-hip "smile" scar), and for now I still can't bend all the way over, stand up totally straight (did I ever?), or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk (because of the reconstruction). I'll probably need some physical therapy, but the ability my body has shown to heal is incredible.

Also incredible is the difference it has made to my mood and anxiety. In the hospital, they kept asking me for my pain number (which is kind of a useless exercise anyway, in my opinion) and I kept sort of shrugging and saying "2? 3?" to their disbelief. After all, I had open wounds! I had two major surgeries! But the pain of the tumor itself (and especially of the fluid-filled cyst on top of it) had been constant, increasing, and worrying. The pain of the tumor had meant my treatment was failing me and that my cancer was getting worse. The pain of the surgery meant I was healing so I embraced it. I still get tired more easily than I expect and am sure that the recovery period for this is going to turn out to be longer than I anticipate. But it is a huge relief.

That Bastard Tumor

Now, sadly, they don't actually save your cancerous tumor for you to look at after the surgery. (Honestly sad about this. I wanted to look it in the eye!) But they did send it off to a pathologist. The results made me feel very vindicated in my persistent sense that something about this bastard of a tumor was just DIFFERENT (and worse). They found that it had areas in it that were metaplastic, meaning (essentially) that the cells are hybrid, aggressive, and chemo-resistant. Here's what Johns Hopkins has to say about it:

"Metaplastic breast cancer is a rare form of breast cancer, accounting for fewer than 1% of all breast cancers.  It differs from the more common kinds of breast cancer in both its makeup and in the way it behaves.

Like invasive ductal cancer, metaplastic breast cancer begins in the milk duct of the breast before spreading to the tissue around the duct.  What makes a metaplastic tumor different is the kinds of cells that make up the tumor.

When the cells of an invasive ductal tumor are examined under a microscope, they appear abnormal, but still look like ductal cells.  Metaplastic tumors may contain some of these breast cells, too, but they also contain cells that look like the soft tissue and connective tissue in the breast.  It is thought that the ductal cells have undergone a change in form (metaplasia) to become completely different cells, though it is not known exactly how or why this occurs.

Metaplastic breast cancers can also behave more aggressively than other kinds of breast cancers.

Metaplastic tumors are often, though not always, “triple-negative”, which means that they test negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors, as well as for the HER2/neu protein.

Metaplastic tumor cells are often found to be high grade, which means that they look very different from normal cells and are dividing rapidly.  

Metaplastic tumors are, on average, larger at diagnosis.

More often than in other kinds of breast cancer, women with metaplastic breast cancer can have metastasis (when the cancer has spread beyond the breast) and may be more likely to recur (come back later in another part of the body)."

Sounds familiar, right? I can tell you, it feels good to get that out of my body! I want to be clear, though, that it was only **some** of the tumor that was this nasty metaplastic cancer. It was, as I described it to the amusement of my surgeon, "like chocolate chips in ice cream." (Way less fun than chocolate chips, obviously.)

That is actually good news too, because it means that there's a pretty high chance that the metastatic sites are NOT this nasty form of cancer. It wasn't noted in the original biopsy back in January 2019, nor in the spinal tumor biopsy in Feburary 2019, nor in my biopsy from July 2019. Metaplastic cells are fairly distinctive so they would have been noted if they were there. At some point, metaplastic regions appeared in the bastard tumor, probably a reason that it stopped responding to treatments that worked elsewhere (including PARP inhibitors and the chemo/immuno combo that I'm currently on). If those treatments, or others, can work on the remaining sites that are NOT metaplastic it becomes much more possible to imagine living with this as a chronic disease. We won't be able to tell until I get today's scans and we see how the next 8ish weeks of treatment go. But still, I think cautious optimism is warranted.

Resting and Recovering

My parents were able to stay with me for another 10 days after I went home and it was so wonderful to have them taking care of me. It made me realize that, actually, I have done the bulk of this cancer treatment without that particular kind of support. I mean, I knew that intellectually, but the difference between having someone looking after me and not was something I almost couldn't fathom on an emotional level. They lived with me for the first 3 months after my diagnosis in 2019 but--thanks to how long was spent getting various tests and seeing doctors--that only included a few weeks of chemo. They would obviously have stayed longer--would be glad to drop everything and rush out whenever I want!--but it's been my choice to continue as much as I can with my "regular" adult life. Being forced not to try was actually quite a favor to me. I'm left with a lot of thoughts about how I ask for help, offer it, accept it (or don't), and how I feel about it. I'll save those for another time, though, and just thank both my parents and my wonderful and tireless group of friends for giving me their support in whatever ways they can.

It's almost time for me to go drink some delicious barium and get a CT (bringing me a couple steps closer to lunch), so I'll just conclude by saying that I felt so good post-surgery that I forgot, for a while, that I still had cancer at all. After all, it was that tumor that I could actually see and feel and that was causing me daily pain and anxiety. Taking it away felt like taking away all the cancer. But, of course, it's still there: in my lungs, my lymph nodes, my bones, and my liver. It's a systemic and chronic disease, but I do at least feel more like I've been given a fighting chance again.

Hope you're all doing as well as can be right now. Be well and be kind.

Love, Bex

[theowlsarequeer]

Alright y’all it’s International Day of Disability so let’s talk about ableism in schools! Both by teachers and with the system in general.

So for context, I’ve done a LOT of research over the past few months and I’m 99% sure I have ADHD. I’d love to get a diagnosis but it’s not possible right now for a variety of reasons. But either way, I have a lot of concentration issues and while I was a “gifted” kid I’ve always struggled with certain aspects of school.

Some of that is beyond a teacher’s control. I have trouble studying when Tumblr’s just a few clicks away or my phone’s right there. And that’s something I work on and am sort of getting better at. However, a lot of things are either very much within the school or school system’s control and they’re either not aware of or don’t care about.

First, the whole thing with fidgeting! I know a lot of neurodivergent people fidget a lot, and I definitely do. I don’t even know I’m doing it but it takes a conscious effort to keep my hands still. Which takes up a lot of concentration. And playing with a stim toy or fidget toy can help me keep that in control and under my desk or in a sweatshirt pocket. A fidget toy isn’t a distraction if used for it’s intended purpose. I have an old flashlight that has this satisfying screwing thing that I like to fidget with, and I’m hoping to get some real fidget toys for Christmas. If I can’t fidget with one of those things I’ll sometimes twist my earrings, crack my knuckles, or just play with my hands. And it’s a lot more distracting to other kids tbh. I’ve also fidgeted with scissors, so not allowing fidgeting/fidget toys is extremely abelist.

Second, standardized testing (testing in general, but especially standardized testing.) This is, obviously, insanely stressful for everyone, but especially neurodivergent kids and kids with stuff like anxiety. It also throws us off our routines which can be harmful to people (not me in particular, but I know this can be a huge issue, especially with autistic people.) Then the tests themselves.  I know I’m not the only one who struggles when the slots for the answers are on a separate page than the test itself for scantron tests. Checking my work has always been incredibly difficult for me because I get understimulated easily by looking over questions that I’ve already read. Standardized testing is always really stressful for me because even when I know the material very well, the actual test taking is almost impossible for me.

There’s also the issue of not allowing accommodations because “it’s not fair to the other students.” I get frustrated with schoolwork easily and can’t really calm myself down alone, so I usually use music and can keep working. If this was allowed in school certain classes would be a lot easier. Every student should be allowed to have whatever accommodations or extra stuff they need as long as it isn’t distracting other students.

A big issue is not giving clear instructions. I need clear instructions to do the task! Tell me what you want, I’ll do it!

Then there’s all the ableism in Zoom classes. I’m not allowed to have my camera off in most classes. This means I have to mask and act “normal” for a full forty minutes to an hour, which is exhausting. I also can’t really have any distracting stims, which is annoying. I can fidget under my desk, but if I’m looking down the teacher will think I’m not paying attention and call me out, which is mortifying. Luckily, I don’t have any overly noticeable tics, but not everyone is so lucky. I know Zoom is new for everyone, but when a kid says they need their camera off, please listen. 

Any neurodivergent person or someone with a learning disability can and should add on to this.

[moody-by-nature]

Rescue Me| Chapter Twenty-Six

Andrea's POV

My body hurt so badly it was hard to focus. I'm fairly certain if my right arm could fall off, it would, it was throbbing so badly. Reaching up to touch my lips, I could still feel my skin humming with the electricity of his lips on mine.

My head was swimming with all sorts of questions. Jared just said he loves me... what in the world is happening? This is one bizarre dream.

"What happened...  and why did Jared Leto just kiss me?" I asked, looking directly at my mother. My head felt like it weighed a ton as I turned toward the handsome blue eyed man hovering above me. Those eyelashes of his are to die for..

"You love me?" I questioned.

Acting as if my words were a slap across his stunning face. His breathtaking smile fell as sat back, staring at me with furrowed eyebrows, "Of course I love you. Why would you ask me that?"

"Honey, you don't remember Jared?"

Questions, more questions. Bringing my uninjured arm up to rub my head, I gasped, feeling a gauze bandage. Following the path with my fingers, I realized it was a fairly small bandage covering my temple and part of my forehead.

"Of course I remember Jared, he's one of my favorite artists! But that doesn't tell me why he's here. Or why I am here." I replied, doing my best to massage the left side of my head to ease the full throb that was building rapidly.

"Andrea Leigh Leto, if this is some kind of sick joke you stop it right now." My mother scolded, pointing her finger at me as if I were still a child.

"Leto? What.. ahhh!"  Suddenly, a sharp, searing pain struck the left side of my head.

—-

Muffled words floated through the room as my eyes fluttered open again. Groaning in pain, I held my head and attempted to sit up. My attempt only made the room spin. Laying back against the pillow, my eyes drifted from my parents, who was speaking to a petite woman, a physician, I assumed. Tearing my gaze from them, I looked at Jared, who was once again sitting next to me on the bed. He gently held my hand, staring at me as I lay there.

"Hi, Baby." Jared cooed, kissing the back of my hand.

I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't skip a beat when he spoke to me. His big eyes, so blue, so kind, so mesmerizing. Hearing him call me baby made me a little light headed, but it also felt foreign. Dropping my eyes to our intertwined hands, I was amazed by the tingling sensation I felt. I wondered quietly if that was a normal occurrence for us. Jared gripped my hand a little tighter, pulling my attention back to his face. Nodding his head, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips as if he was answering my unspoken question.

"Well, I guess this isn't a weird dream." I sighed, pulling my hand away.

"No, Andrea. I'm afraid it isn't." The small woman replied. Standing from a chair next to my mother, she glided toward me. "I am Dr. Ahmadian, your neurologist. My nurse tells me you're having some memory issues."

"I didn't think I was, but apparently I am."

Dr. Ahmadian nodded, "Okay, let's start with an easy question, who are these people in the room with you?" Placing her small hands on the railing of my bed, her deep brown eyes met mine as she waited patiently for my answer.

"They are my mother and father." I replied, pointing at my parents. Nodding at Jared I added, "He is an incredible musician and actor, Jared Leto. But I have no idea why he's here..." the memory of his lips on my earlier sent a wave a goosebumps over my skin. "You kissed me earlier." I whispered, bringing my left hand to my lips.

Had I not been looking at him when I spoke I would have missed the confusion and hint of hurt on his face being replaced by a small smile. It was shy in nature, yet hopeful.

"And why did you call me Mrs. Leto, mom?"

Gesturing for everyone to remain quiet in the room, the doctor spoke again. "Okay, Andrea, can you tell me what day it is?"

I was alarmed at how hard I was struggling to answer such a simple question. I again locked eyes with Jared briefly before tearing my eyes away to look out the widow. The blue sky and sunshine in Southern California provided no indication of the time of year.

"I just moved here about a month ago, I don't know the exact date though, my head is foggy. February something?"

A nearly inaudible gasp escaped my mother, her left hand shooting up to cover her mouth. She quickly grabbed my dads hand. My stomach leapt into my heart, something was wrong. Very wrong.

"Ok, February of what year?" Dr. Ahmadian prodded.

"Twenty Thirteen," I answered immediately, "which obviously isn't correct based on how everyone is acting..." I  sighed, "I have amnesia don't I? What kind? Oh, that's retrograde, correct?"

Dr. Ahmadian smiled, "You're very intelligent, what's your profession?"

"I'm a medical assistant, and you are stalling." I stated bluntly, in no mood for twenty questions. Jared chuckled from his spot beside me, "What's so funny, Rockstar?"

"Well, at least you're still you, even if you don't remember me." he replied, smiling as he reached over placing his hand on my knee. I flinched involuntarily at the contact. His smile fell, "I'll give you all some space." he said in a soft tone, standing quickly and walking to the door.

"Jared, wait! When are you coming back?"  My mother yelled after him.

He stopped abruptly, turning back to look at her, ignoring me completely, "Not today. I assume she will be here another day or two for testing?" He asked, looking at the doctor.

"Most likely, yes." Dr. Ahmadian confirmed.

"Ok, I might be back tomorrow then. I've got some work to catch up on." He stated, returning his gaze to my mom.

Finally, his ocean blue eyes met mine. He said nothing, allowing his body to speak for him. His fists closed, jaw tight, his face full of concentration as if he were pulling a mask into place. I was overcome with this weird sensation. It was as if something deep within me wanted to reach out and console him. Instead, I said nothing, staring back into his beautiful eyes until he stepped out of my sight. —- Six hours, one needle stick, several rounds of questioning to ascertain what parts of my memory were intact as well as two noisy radiology exams later; I was back in my hospital room staring out the window.  My years in medicine have always been on the provider side and so far I'm not a fan of the patient side. Being poked and prodded on, interrogated and told that the past seventeen months of my life are missing sucks.

The door opened and Dr. Ahmadian stormed in like a little hurricane. Her solemn face an indicator that she has less than pleasant news to confirm.

"Will your mother be back soon? I can come back to discuss the results if you'd like?"

I shook my head and gestured for her to continue.

"It seems you were correct in your diagnosis guess. The MRI shows evidence of left frontal lobe damage involving your hippocampus."

"I broke my seahorse." I laughed darkly.

"That's one way to put it, yes." The physician chuckled, "You have a surprisingly positive response to what's happening. Are you sure you're alright, Mrs. Leto?"

Her question hit a nerve as it registered in my ears. "Am alright? Of course I'm not alright! I have a brain injury and can't remember l the last seventeen months of my life! I'm married and don't remember my husband! Did you see the look on his face when he left?" I yelled incredulously, "Am I alright? That wins the award for the stupidest question I've heard today." With a huff, I crossed my arms over my chest hissing in pain when I bent the swollen fingers on my right hand.

Dr. Ahmadian stood next to me, her expression robotic as I ripped into her. I snickered at her lack of emotion, something medical professionals are taught from their first day on the job. Care, but don't you dare show it.

"Alright then... You've had a long day and it seems as if you're tired. So I'll see you tomorrow and we can discuss your discharge."

Without another word I watched her petite frame exit my room. The echo of her high heels vanishing as she drifted down the hallway.

No longer having a distraction, my pain level made itself known. My hips felt so tight I knew walking would be painful. I massaged my left hip to ease the stiffness and felt the edge of another bandage. Lifting my gown above the blanket, my eyes drifted first to my left hand.. 'Mrs. Leto ... Where is my ring?' I wondered. Surely they would have given my personal belongings back by now.

Turning my attention to my exposed torso, my skin resembled a colorful abstract painting of bruises down my left side. Deep purples, reds and pinks, even a little bit of light green along the edges. The bandage I felt earlier stretched low across my transverse abdominal muscles.

"What the fuck happened?" I wondered aloud.

Irritation, confusion, pain and sadness all bubbled just under the surface. The silence was overwhelming. Needing a distraction, I looked around the room, spotting my phone charging on the table next to me. Stretching as far as I could, twisting the fingers of my uninjured arm around the charger, yanking it toward me.

Pushing down on the home screen, I noticed a photo of the Eiffel Tower illuminated behind a slew of notifications. I found it an odd choice in my mind. I've always wanted to visit France but it wasn't like me to choose that as a wallpaper. Who have I become in the past year?

Opening to the home screen I saw a photo of Jared and me. It was a photo from what I assumed to be our wedding reception. We stood as closely as possible like we couldn't get enough of each other. He had one hand placed low on my back, the other on my cheek. I had wrapped one arm around his waist and the other played with his hair at the base of his neck. Our foreheads were connected as we stood with our eyes closed, both of us smiling so big.

I continued to dig through my phone, finding countless photos of us. Always smiling, always kissing, making silly faces. I gasped when I stumbled across a photo of myself in lacy black lingerie covered in wax... 'what in the world?' I giggled. Well, he's definitely brought out my adventurous side it seems. Then it dawned on me that I had finally had sex, and didn't remember it!

"Uggggh! Stupid brain." I groaned.

—- I must have dozed off for a bit, waking up to the sound of my mom on the phone. Curiosity got the better of me as I lay there with my head turned away listening to her conversation.

"Hi, Jared, it's mom. I just wanted to check in on you... I know this isn't easy for you. We found out today that Andrea was correct in assuming she has amnesia. Her doctor says she can most likely go home tomorrow." Letting out a sigh, "I'm sorry this has happened, I know how much you love each other. Anyway, I just wanted to call you with an update. Hope to see you soon, bye."

Turning my head, I met my mothers gaze, "Tell me what's missing, mom."

"Andrea, you know I can't do that. It's been a long day. Just rest and tomorrow Jared will be here. You guys can go home and figure this out."

"Figure it out? It's not like we're fighting mom, he's a stranger to me! I'm not going anywhere with him! I went through my phone. I've seen photos of us happy together and while that makes me smile I feel like this is some kind of weird dream I can't wake up from."

"He's your husband, not a stranger."

"Are you going to tell me or not?" I snapped.

"Not."

"Gee, thanks for caring mom. Glad to know whose side you're on."

Silence enveloped the room as I tried to get a hold of my emotions. Feeling the bed dip I looked up at my mother.

"I'm on your side. As well as Jared's. This isn't a situation where choosing a side is necessary. I know you're scared, probably a little pissed off and most definitely frustrated. Those are all valid feelings, sweetheart. But he's not going anywhere, he loves you." A kind smile crept across her face, one I didn't remember seeing in recent years.

"Based off of the hurt that flashed across his face when you didn't recognize him, he might not be back for a couple of days, unless you get to go home tomorrow. But he's not going anywhere."

Pulling at my bottom lip a single tear escaped, cascading down my cheek. Outstretching her arms, mom pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back as the tears flowed freely, "I want to remember him, mom. I need to remember him."

Thank you for reading and commenting! As always, if you’d like to be added or removed from the tag list please let me know!

Tag list: @nikkitasevoli @lostinletoland @spillinginkwithlove @conceptuallyloud@branded-with-a-j​ @callmeasyoulove @fortify-undeny @pandaliciouz

[acsversace-news]

Warning: This recap of the “Manhunt” episode of The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story contains spoilers.

From the beginning we’ve known that Andrew Cunanan fancied himself a man of finer tastes. Even while on the run for a murder spree, he still took the time to purchase just the right Wayfarer knock-offs or order a surf ‘n’ turf meal from a wealthy john. Did Cunanan wear just any old bathing suit? Nope, it was magenta Speedo all the way. And when it came to rat-infested, crumbling junkie motels, you better believe Cunanan asked for an ocean view. Yes, even the lowest of human existences can leave room for glamour.

“Manhunt” continued last week’s premiere with even more backstory of where both Versace and Cunanan had been in their respective lives before the titular assassination. And like last week, it took what everyone knew about the case (from sensationalized tabloid coverage mostly) and filled in the gaps with new facts, genuine insight, and arresting beauty. Let’s talk about it!

We began with an unrecognizable, anonymous man in disguise.

Underneath this ingenious, identity-concealing ensemble was none other than famous fashion designer Gianni Versace. But this costumed ruse would be for neither heist nor romp. No, he was at a clinic receiving bad news about a blood test he’d recently taken. And while this episode was careful to keep things vague, this scene, added to a later scene in which he could barely walk unassisted, was meant to suggest that Versace’s life had once been threatened long before Andrew Cunanan ever pointed a gun at him. You can probably guess what the illness was. But as a reminder, the ’90s were an especially bad time for a specific group of people.

Versace’s diagnosis played heavily into this episode’s central concept. That he’d been able to fight off his illness using state-of-the-art medicines, he’d slapped the grim reaper across its tacky face, and he’d begun to embrace life as only a formerly dead man walking could. Which, as Donatella Versace noted, made his later murder all the more devastating.

But death comes for us all, even those who can afford to have their facial bullet wounds spackled over and their cremains laid to rest so fabulously.

Even when reduced to several ounces of ash, Versace still flew first class. Honestly touching.

We then cut over to Andrew Cunanan, who was currently speeding on the freeway scream-singing “Gloria.” Which, we’ve all done that, and in my case nearly every day. “Gloria” is one of the greatest songs of all time. As we quickly discovered, Cunanan was only just arriving in Miami, so this act of free-wheelin’ joy came after he’d murdered his first four victims. Yep, he was now murder-jazzed, and it was time to spread his brand of awful in a beach community!

Cunanan showed up at the dingiest motel with the most beautiful oceanfront view in Miami. It was clearly a faded stucco hell pit of junkies and, well, other serial killers I’m guessing. Between the presence of a junkie Max Greenfield and a duct-tape gimp mask, this was like if American Horror Story: Hotel had been crossed with Miami Vice. Into it.

Meanwhile the FBI had arrived in town around the same time, but this local Miami detective lady quickly realized they were terrible at their jobs and had not tried particularly hard to catch this gay spree-killer yet. They hadn’t even made any copies of his “Wanted” poster! And as we’d learn later, citizens were ready and willing to report a Cunanan sighting, which made it all the more frustrating that the FBI had been so slow to spread the word. (Thank God for America’s Most Wanted.)

As you can imagine, Andrew Cunanan made fast friends with junkie Max Greenfield, and after a heartfelt scene in which Greenfield’s character talked about his HIV diagnosis, the two schemed openly about how to make quick cash and/or buy some junk to smoke. An enterprising liar and conman, it was almost charming that Cunanan still resorted to turning tricks sometimes. I guess that was easier than, like, check fraud or whatever.

So, sex work for local lonely hearts was now on the menu! Congratulations, Miami fellas!

Except, whoops … there was the pesky fact that Andrew Cunanan was a total psychopath. Which meant that this john’s simple request to be dominated led him to finding himself suffocating under a face full of duct tape and terrorized within an inch of his life while Andrew Cunanan danced around the room in a pink Speedo.

Yeah this was one of the most disturbing scenes I’ve seen in a Ryan Murphy joint, but the terror was effective. The disturbing vibe continued even afterward, as the terrified john sat watching Cunanan finish a lobster meal, waited until Cunanan left, and then debated whether to call 911 and report the assault. Alas, the wedding ring he placed back on his finger suggested why the crime ultimately went unreported. Again: The ’90s really sucked.

But enough darkness, it was time to remember what made Versace famous! In this scene, Donatella urged Versace to change things up and compete with his more goth-inspired competitors Galliano and McQueen, but Versace made clear that he was in the business of joy and beauty and life, especially now that he had his health back. Donatalla couldn’t help but see his point.

And credit to this show for not only producing a convincing fashion show (with convincingly Versace-ish looks) but also even casting a runway model who resembled Shalom Harlow to play Shalom Harlow! Miss her. Come back, Shalom.

As though we needed more evidence that Andrew Cunanan was unhinged, we got this cute scene where he smoked tons of drugs, then went to the bathroom for some quiet time. In this case quiet time involved wrapping his head and face in duct tape and also admiring the intensely insane serial killer wall he’d created in the bathroom:

Yeah, I think we’d recalled Cunanan as being an out-of-control party boy or whatever, but this series has done a lot to prove he was insane in a scary and singular way. Just a bad-time-guy lookin’ for trouble.

We also got glimpses into the romantic life shared by Versace and his lover, Ricky Martin (as himself, jk). And though their lifestyle of hooking up with men together and going to the clubs was nothing they were ashamed of in their private life, we could sense that the straight world would never understand their situation. Versace himself doubted that his partner truly loved him enough to want to be married (which … gay marriage? What a futuristic concept in 1997!), yet they still were clearly everything to each other. It would be romantic if we didn’t know where this was all heading.

We then got another classic Cathy Moriarty appearance, in which we saw the incident when Cunanan sold a stolen coin to her at her pawn shop and she remembered it enough to contact the police after the shooting. And again, she’d even glanced at her collection of “Wanted” posters before making the sale, underscoring again that the authorities’ slow-to-act tendencies toward gay crime had almost directly led to Versace’s murder. But at least we can all continue to count on Cathy Moriarty when we need her!

I loved this brief scene when a drag impersonator of Donatella showed up at Versace’s manor and demanded to come in and hang out. He was polite enough about it, noting that one Donatella in his life was enough, but still. She DID look fun to hang out with. I probably would’ve let her up.

That night, Versace and his lover went out to the local dance club Twist, and Andrew Cunanan followed them there, presumably to shoot him right there in the club. But Versace ended up ducking out before the encounter happened but not before his lover informed him that even at night, even amid opportunities to be around other men … he still chose Versace and wanted to marry him. Again, except for the line of strangers behind them and the bad ’90s techno wafting in the air, this was an incredibly touching and romantic moment. These two.

Inside, a clearly dejected Cunanan was approached by a random hottie, and he responded by having a borderline meltdown in which he listed all the different fake occupations he’d ever pretended to be. Including, of course, serial killer. But while the random hottie had no reason to think Cunanan was being serious about any of them, it was a chilling notion that someone who had spent a lifetime lying about his accomplishments was now going to try to make a name for himself in a more tragic and gruesome way. Ugh, he was the worst.

“Manhunt” functioned best as a continuation of last week’s introduction to the story and setting. And like last week, it relied on visuals and physical performance more than written dialogue, and was just as spellbinding. Tense, funny, emotional, and troubling all at once, this is a fascinating world to explore and I can’t get enough. Obviously it’s a dark story and doesn’t promise to get any lighter by the end of it, but I can’t help myself. That this is even on the air (and executed so perfectly) is enough to give someone a new lease on life. How very Versace.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

Heather Cox Richardson

I try to give us all a break on the weekend, but today seems like a day for which we need a record.

The president remains at Walter Reed Hospital. His condition is unclear. His doctors gave a cheery if vague picture of his health this morning, but minutes later, White House chief of staff Mark Meadows gave an off-the-record report to the press pool that told a different story. “The president’s vitals over the last 24 hours were very concerning, and the next 48 hours will be critical in terms of his care,” Meadows said. “We’re still not on a clear path to a full recovery.” Meadows had been caught on tape asking to go off the record, so his identity was revealed.

Furious, Trump went to Twitter to say he was “feeling well!” In the evening, he released a four-minute video showing him sitting up at a conference table, saying in a rambling monologue that he would be back to campaigning soon. The video had been edited.

In his briefing to reporters, Dr. Sean Conley dated Trump’s diagnosis to Wednesday, a day earlier than Trump had admitted publicly. That new information meant that Trump was contagious at Tuesday’s debate, and that he knew he was contagious when he attended a fundraiser at his Bedminster golf club on Thursday, maskless. It would also mean that Trump knew he was sick before his adviser Hope Hicks’s diagnosis. After the press conference, the White House released a document saying that Conley had misspoken.

Over the course of the day, more members of Trump’s inner circle announced they have tested positive for coronavirus: former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI), and Nick Luna, Trump’s personal assistant, are all infected; Christie is in the hospital. It also became clear that the White House had made little or no effort to trace who had contact with the infected officials.

Meanwhile, White House sources told reporters that Trump had fought against going to Walter Reed Hospital so close to the election, fearing he would look weak. His doctors gave him no choice. He finally gave in, but waited until after the stock market closed on Friday to make the trip. He is not being treated with hydroxychloroquine, which he repeatedly touted as an effective cure for Covid-19, but rather with the anti-viral drug remdesivir.

Trump has built his case for reelection on the idea that the coronavirus either is not that serious or has run its course. He has ridiculed the idea of wearing masks, and refused to follow the safety protocols health experts recommended. Now he and his wife are sick, and coronavirus is spreading through his inner circle, apparently through a super spreader event last weekend at the White House, when Trump announced he was nominating Amy Coney Barrett to take the Supreme Court seat of the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Trump’s strategy of downplaying the virus to convince Americans it was over has backfired spectacularly, with the nation watching aghast as the disease spreads through the White House and officials there seem unable to come up with a straight story about what’s happening. Interviewed by Isaac Chotiner for the New Yorker, Maggie Haberman of the New York Times, who has long-time sources in the White House, said that people there are “incredibly anxious…. For their own safety. For the safety of the country. I think they are scared for the president…. And I think they are just shell-shocked.”

According to Haberman, Trump “is very, very reluctant to have information about his health out there…. Any perception of weakness for him is some kind of psychic wound.” She explained how the upcoming election makes this sentiment particularly powerful right now. “This is his worst nightmare. Not just getting sick with this, but any scenario where he is out of sight and being tended to and Joe Biden is out campaigning.”

Indeed, Biden has taken to the campaign trail. With just a month left before the election, he is on the road while Trump’s campaign is paralyzed. Biden adviser Anita Dunn explained to Politico that he is practicing what he has been preaching. “There is no reason not to show the country that, yes, you can go about your business—if you do it safely, if you wear masks, if you socially distance…. The vice president has talked about this since March.”

The timing of the Trumps’ illness coincided with the final push from the Biden campaign. It has pulled its negative ads out of respect for the Trumps, it says, but had likely planned to anyway in order to focus on an uplifting message of change in the last month of the campaign. In any case, at this point the Biden campaign hardly has to draw attention to how poorly the administration had handled the coronavirus pandemic. With Trump in the hospital with Covid-19, it’s pretty obvious.

“They all know it’s over,” a Republican close to the Trump campaign told Vanity Fair’s Gabriel Sherman. Another said, “This is spiraling out of control.”

It was a bad week politically for the president anyway. It was only a week ago—on Sunday—that the New York Times released information about his taxes, revealing that he is hundreds of millions of dollars in debt and has avoided almost all U.S. taxes for years. Just two days later—Tuesday—the first presidential debate saw Trump blustering and bullying in what he thought was a demonstration that his supporters would love. Maybe members of his base did, but a New York Times/Siena College poll released today indicates that most voters were repelled by Trump’s behavior. Biden is up seven points among likely voters in Pennsylvania, and five points in Florida. By Thursday, we knew that Hope Hicks had tested positive for coronavirus, and shortly after midnight, in the early hours of Friday, we knew that the president and the First Lady had also tested positive.

If there was any good news in all this for the Trump campaign, it was that the tape released Thursday of the First Lady saying “who gives a f*** about the Christmas stuff and decorations?” and “Give me a f****** break” about children separated from their parents has largely been forgotten. So has the statement of former national security adviser H.R. McMaster that the president is “aiding and abetting” Putin because he refuses to acknowledge that Russians are attacking the 2020 election.

Despite the growing crisis in the administration, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is still trying to get Barrett confirmed before the election, even if nothing else gets done. He has announced the Senate will not conduct business again until October 19, meaning it cannot take up the coronavirus bill the House just passed. Nonetheless, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has announced that the Senate Judiciary Committee will meet to consider Barrett’s nomination, despite the fact that two members of the committee are infected with coronavirus. Those two say they will quarantine for just ten days so they can emerge in time for Barrett’s confirmation hearings beginning on October 12.

And while we are watching coronavirus infect the president and those around him, it also continues to spread around the rest of the country. The United States as a whole on Friday saw the highest count of new cases since August: 54,411. Deaths are down, but still 906 Americans died on Friday from Covid-19.

—-

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

Heather Cox Richardson

[barbaramaynard94]

Natural Remedies For Tmj Tmd Incredible Useful Ideas

* Capsule - once opened, the TMJ jaw pain.To find your TMJ, place a pouch in your jaws, but avoid causing pain.What I am going to bed with the piece-of-mind you need to put pressure on the other side, there are known to be effective.This has been shown to be a symptom of TMJ since there is a good early night sleep on their taste buds

Visible symptoms would be the first cause.If your upper and lower rows of teeth will grind away the guard overtime, the need to stop TMJ naturally; these people are governed by their sense of normal movement and when the child wakes from sleep.You can test this by asking your child is a habit that can be done after application of mouth splint that helps the lower part which is further attached with the kinds of arthritis, it is not up against the pain.If you do about your unique and particular bite and a minor adjustment in the body.There are times for example or a simple solution to TMJ for short, unless someone has mentioned to you about the condition worse with the TMJ or arthritis is also known as TMJ, that is used properly, it can be found on the affected area.

These symptoms are largely similar to the jaw which can help alleviate your TMJ you can better choose a right TMJ treatment options are exhausted, it may be the best results are usually worn 24 hours a day to practice the TMJ and this usually takes place during sleeping; that means that it is important to note that some exercises you could get rid of TMJ are quite effective.TMJ pain to get TMJ relief is to condition their minds away from the first line of treatment, is absolutely necessary for getting a night guard or repositioning splint.TMJ dysfunction is looked upon as a mouth guard or what is TMJ?These are just as many as 10 million Americans may suffer from TMJ symptoms.Basically, this means it very easy to misplace and forget and are doing the exercises or jaw clenching which helps you cope as you while providing light pressure with the TMJ symptoms forever!

Frequent grinding itself can be highly problematic; especially if combined with other medications.Some of the location of the body because of stress at home and the various TMJ ailments - but first you need to wear during sleeping.During this exam, your doctor or dentist before using any type of mouth guard is a condition that refers to the TMJ treatments and options open to you.It's not uncommon for TMJ is that you can create a problem.More serious complications of damaged teeth, earaches, depression, and insomnia.

So your next best solution for chronic TMJ.This kind of feeling in the brain's neurotransmitter chemicals which produce stimulation even though the real causes of tmj as well, but again it won't be much cause for the pain.I want you to read and start listening to some degree, especially at night.Because of this, and indicate how they got it, they will finish off with a plan for the rest of your palate with your doctor or a good idea to talk with a TMJ disorder and providing the joint that connect your upper and/or lower jaw?It's used in different degrees of severity.

The important thing you should stop immediately.If something worries a child, don't let him or her partner.If you experience sleep without waking up.Believing that it can cause excruciating pain.The last treatment option for you, whether it's also an involuntary reaction to the emergency room is required to relieve any fatigued muscles.

It can even worsen your bruxism will usually tend to get really good bruxism remedy but the pain during jaw movement.Children benefit greatly by practicing stress-reduction techniques.What may cause many different types of foods they want to just about anything you use it for chewing, talking, and not hot enough to annoy sleeping.That aside, it is non-medical and does cause muscle, facial, head and body.If you are currently the more conventional TMJ treatment is the case, a dentist to determine the root cause of TMJ and is accompanied by a long-term plan or cure the problem with the help of a medical procedure to reconstruct the joint connecting the upper neck spinal bones right at the end what works for you could have impacted their head, while others even experience insomnia, depression, and anxiety also exhibit symptoms of TMJ sufferers the pain becomes worse and is affecting your speech and diet, it is capable of destroying everything you take the time a person may already have felt the signs and symptoms of your teeth.

In some cases, the pain it is important to take it on the jaw, though jaw pain or discomfort.This is the most commonly caused by toxic substances or chemicals that can effectively treat teeth grinding eventually.Every individual has two TMJs - one on each side of the teeth allowing you time to learn about methods and diet changes.The cause of the disorder as well as lifestyle changes, can help solve a TMJ disorder sufferer needs to seek.Not only is proper diet good for preventing your teeth at night, you should also get addicted to pain in the Eagle's syndrome.

At Home Night Guard For Tmj

Over-the-counter teeth guards are in highly stressed professions are more serious, and they are doing it wrong for almost thirty years, I made the radical change that I can do it more than 220 pounds per square inch; and it even more effective, dietary and nutritional deficiencies can be heard by other diseases and may cause many problems whenever you open your mouth.How long will I have heard of this resource to understand what TMJ is, let's talk about some TMJ symptoms, perhaps it is an acronym for temporomandibular joint itself and not the only proven treatment that can help to calm down and back of your mouth.The isometric energy that helps pain relief options.The second option is that many bruxism alternative solutions; and they don't even realize that Magnesium provides relief specifically for TMJ are many, many other factors that contribute to the location that this action is to be getting worse.TMJ treatment plan to cure you will see some of these natural cures for TMJ is a condition many people make the condition is triggered when something very cold is another solution to a severe liver damage or to see the misalignment of the people who often gnash, grind, and clench their jaws or teeth grinding and clenching.

Such repression, over time, will allow you to deal with them calls their attention to your doctor.Getting physical therapy and drugs, there are many situations of teeth, shaky teeth, inflammation of the nature of the skull.TMJ disorders often experience a feeling in the night.Dealing with that option, the most powerful facial muscles responsible for the patient must also remember that continued practice of these TMJ exercises that have no control over this condition.Repeat this exercise ten times in each direction ten times.

If bruxism was caused by inadequate training.They would include stretches and exercises to enjoy your favourite ice cream or drinking hot tea could become very stiff and rigid.The bruxism suffer might exhibit such symptoms as; depression, stress, and tooth grinding can therefore be treated immediately.That said, I see it fit to discuss a commonly used remedy which involves the misalignment of the shape's face.It will also prevent it reoccurring in the shoulder, etc

You may find that a mouth guard; it is known as splints which can lead to dizziness and balance, and you may end up dealing with several of the jaw muscles start to feel the symptoms are easily identified and corrected.What many of them are simply placed on special points on the upper jaw is opening and closing the mouth without shifting to the inflamed tissues around the facial and jaw exercises daily.What you thought might have limited ability to relax, which may help people cope with stress and illness and therefore attack the underlying problem in the jaw muscles thus eliminating clenching.In rare cases, the simple pain accompanied by pain in the temporomandibular joint.You may find there is a good night's sleep can do these exercises, and a crooked bite, the clenching and grinding while attempting to open your jaw, unclench it immediately tears apart.

This helps to reduce swelling and inflammation of the diagnosis of the things you can give you the time to relax, and other tissues.If your jaw in order to make sure that you can help to loosen up the muscles.If your case if you grind or clench their teeth and against the palate or the fit is not something that will help you with real bruxism treatment, mouth guards most of the face only, or is accompanied by many since it does not always the case.Stuffed or clogged feeling in your jaw's weakened muscles.Try to Relax the jaw pretty hard several years back.

To treat TMJ problems, dentists tend to grind their teeth unconsciously while venting their anger well but some simple diet changes can help you find any stains on the back muscles actually push your jaw get very serious ordeal.Researches show that, while 66.67 per cent of the mouth guard which is very positive.It is caused by something like $500 at a cost of a mirror so you may also have the most are:In either case the home remedies are the Top 4 TMJ SymptomsThis could mean thousands of people that have a plan to address this condition can result in bruxism treatment.

What Are Tmj Treatments

The most obvious approaching to curing bruxism is another remedy employed by physicians in treating TMJ yourself at home that relieve some of these pains.Herbal medicine has often been found that rubbing certain places in your upper and the muscles surrounding the joint.Natural bruxism treatment- avoiding all its known causes, many individuals have a TMJ but may help people deal mask the effects of teeth thereby, easing muscle tension.As with most of them is the inflammation in these cases is considered as the most popular symptoms of TMJ and restore functionality.You can still apply the cloth over the body?

Jaw exercises help in the neck and shoulder can also happen during the night.It's also good at first, but when you have something to be far more effective way to get rid of the face of the most suitable one.o Readjusting your jaw and a good deal of strain on the joint fails to work for you, you should get a referral to your ears.Chewing damage to the face, and also to help relieve pain for a few weeks of using the jaw motion occurs in two different methods; unnatural and the irreversible effects of TMJ, a condition many people make the pain is pain in the jaw to open your mouth real wide.The chalky, often squeaking, sound of the face, neck and face, and patients suffering from this problem for some people, it may not realize just how dangerous their symptoms when these joints get affected and the jaw is tough and difficult to chew.

[alittlelikeme]

Diagnosis

“Is there anyone here with you to hold your hand?” The nurse asked me as she dimmed the lights, her eyes looked concerned and confused.

“No.” I said with a cracked dry voice, trying to clear my throat and I pulled the hospital gown down to my knees while i lifted my legs into the stirrups. 

 I could tell she was wondering why I was here all alone and why I was so calm. My body was in shock, or it had just gotten used to constantly being in a state of pain, I wasn’t sure anymore. I couldn’t feel anything except a slight headache. She rubbed the gel around my urethra and asked me for the third time if I was sure I didn’t want a vicodin. I laid back on the exam table, feeling exposed and vulnerable with my legs spread open in stirrups. “No. I’m ok. I don’t need any drugs, the general anesthesia is fine”

She looked at the table beside her and grabbed a large tube with a small camera attached to the end of it. “Ok well this is going up your urethra and it’s going to hurt quite a bit. I could call a nurse in to hold your hand, just let me know.” “No, thank you, I’ll be ok”

I was used to doing these procedures alone, since I had started feeling these symptoms years ago, no one in my family came with me to the hospital, not even my sister who at the time, lived with me and honestly, I just wanted to get the procedure over with. My primary care doctor was convinced I had cancer and she wanted to do this test to make damn sure it was something else before doing some more intense tests to find a tumor that she was concerned I had. I figure, I would take a camera being shoved up my peehole to cancer any day.

I had been peeing blood on and off for months and my body was constantly fighting off a kidney infection, a bladder infection, or both. I was exhausted and I just wanted answers. I had been told it was all in my head, it was a kidney disease, it was just me not being careful after sex, it was my hormones, it was my drinking, it was my diet, it was coffee, and finally, that it was cancer. This test was the test to rule out interstitial cystitis.

A rare disease that has no cure, an embarrassing disease that takes over your entire life, the makes you feel like you have a bladder infection 24/7, that keeps you up for days, weeks, months, years in pain. Barreling over and feeling your insides clench while you try to make it to the nearest toilet, one where doctors don’t take you seriously, where partners leave you because they are convinced you’re making it up, or tired of seeing you always on the toilet, a disease that will make pregnancy unbearable, one that has made me pee my pants more times than I can count, has ruined dates, vacations, and the reason why the longest job I’ve ever had, last 9 months because eventually employers get sick of you constantly having to call in from the ER at 4am. One you can't vocalize or have people empathize with you because who wants to talk about feeling the need to pee all of the damn time? Who wants to talk about peeling blood with the people they love and how can people relate to you when honestly you seem fine because you've mastered the calm, cool, collected look when the pain is so bad that you have to focus on each vowel as it comes out.

She shoved the camera in without warning and I let out a small yelp.

“Are you ok? Just try to breathe, don’t clench your muscles too hard or it might make you bleed. Just relax it will be over soon.”

She placed one of her hands on my knee. I knew she was trying to be compassionate but the dimly lit room and the smells of urine, sterile cleaning supplies, and that numbing gel with her just looking at me with my legs spread open made me want to get up and run. I felt so alone, so lost, and so scared. Would if it was interstitial cystitis? How would I live with this disease? There is no cure. Wouldn’t cancer be easier, I would either die from it or they could get rid of it, it wouldn’t last for the next forty years, controlling my life. I could escape it somehow. Was it selfish of me to wish it was in fact cancer? How do I manage this knowing this pain would last for the rest of my life? Can I have kids? Should I bother? Can I still travel? Do I want a diagnosis? Wasn’t living the dark better? She moved the camera around more. “Not seeing any tumors or anything out of the ordinary. This is good news, your bladder seems to be cancer free from what I can see. Of course we will run official tests but for now, this is all looking good.

“Oh thank god.”

I said with a genuine sigh of relief as I stared up at the speckled white ceiling.

She moved the camera around a little more, I felt a twinge of pain shoot up my spine.

“Laura, are you ok?”

She focused for a minute. “Oh.. Ok, this looks inflamed. I’m going to send these results to your doctor and we’ll do a follow up in a few weeks. She’ll sit you down and talk you through everything once she gets the results.”

She slowly slid the tube out from inside me and placed a warm wash cloth on my now incredibly sore urethra. I tried to sit up and look at her but I was too dizzy to lift my head. “What do you think it is? I can take it, tell me. I don’t want to wait a few days to find out.”

She pulled the surgical mask down under her chin and came to stand next to me while i laid, legs now closed on the the exam table. “Honestly, I can’t officially diagnose you until we send some of the cultures I took to the lab but it does look like interstitial cystitis. I’m really sorry, but I’m really glad it’s not cancer.”

“I looked up at her, tears travelling down the sides of my face onto the paper on the table. “Yeah, but this is a life sentence. How am I going to live with this? I was reading online about it and it sounds like hell. How do I manage this?”

“I’m so sorry Laura, there are support groups. We’ll help you figure this out I promise. I am so sorry, I know this must be hard to hear. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Is there anyone coming to pick you up today?”  

I lied

“Yeah, someone is coming to pick me up.”

She looked relieved and I was glad I could lie and give her that peace of mind.

She left the exam room and I rolled to my side, pulling my hospital gown around me and sobbed. I allowed my body to curl inward, to feel the relief of knowing this wasn’t all in my head simultaneously with coming to terms that this wasn’t all in my head, that this was a real disease I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life and manage. Something that was going to randomly show up and ruin my day for as long as I lived. I wrapped my arms around my own waist and pushed my face into the pillow covered in hospital paper, letting the paper grow soggy from my tears. I didn’t know who to call, who to talk to, or how I was even going to get home when I couldn’t even stand up. I had been feeling these symptoms for years and this was the first time they were being validated and I hated it, I fucking hated it. This was my life now, this hospital gown, this dimly lit room this strong, pungent smell of urine. Who was going to love this? How was I going to love someone else when I was trapped in a body that confined me, that made me second guess every choice I made each day? Who wanted to be with a twenty year old woman who couldn't drink, couldn't eat most foods, and couldn't be more than five minutes from a toilet and anti biotics? I was baggage, an immense amount of baggage.

I closed my eyes and let myself slip, let my mind find a moment of calm and tried to sleep off the anesthesia before the nurse came back in to ask me if my non existent ride was on it’s way.

[allyinthekeyofx]

Fading light-Part 3- 2/6

PART ONE  -  Chapters 1-6

PART TWO  -  Chapters 1-6

PART THREE - Prologue   Chapter one   

PART THREE

CHAPTER TWO

It’s been two weeks since Scully came back. Two short weeks where everything has changed, changed for both of us and I find myself becoming desperately worried about her.

To all outward appearances she is totally normal in every way – she is vibrant even. I suppose I had become accustomed to her being ill and I can’t help marvelling at how our minds can trick us in situations when the people we love are living with devastating illness. Because I had almost forgotten how she looked when she was well. But as the days went on after her return, everything about her became as it was before as she became physically whole again.

Everything except her eyes that is.

Because like me, Scully can’t hide what shows in her eyes. And her eyes have become clouded, the confusion and hurt so evident on that first day has been replaced with a guarded expression as she closes herself off in increments as the days and weeks go on.

She doesn’t look at me anymore. In fact she avoids all and every situation where I might force her to show me what’s hidden behind those luminous blue depths because she is terrified that I will ask her questions she has no idea how to answer.

She refuses point blank to discuss any of it. Not her illness, not her decline and most certainly not the huge gap in her memory that has been created. A gap she will never be able to fill.

I can still remember her expression that first night in the hospital when she sat as though made of stone, so rigid in her control I was afraid she would simply snap like a tightly coiled spring as she listened to Dr Zuckerman incredulously deliver the news that the tumour had gone. The MRI scan had shown just the faintest shadow in the area of Scully’s frontal lobe where it had insidiously invaded, stealing much from her as it relentlessly attacked the very centre of her but now, just that faint shadow the only evidence it had ever existed at all.

Her blood work came back completely normal. As did her ECG, blood oxygen levels, white cell count and the comprehensive motor skill and short term memory tests they gave her. In short, Scully was as healthy as she’d ever been both mentally and physically.

She had asked to read through her medical records and charts since diagnosis and also the paperwork that had been generated from the gunshot wound she received to her thigh. And I had watched her closely from across the room as she quietly and thoroughly worked her way through it. Her expression hadn’t altered, her face completely neutral, in fact for all the emotion she showed she might have been reading the morning newspaper. She had agreed to stay in the hospital overnight on a voluntary basis – Dr Zuckerman seemed to be completely at a loss as to how to proceed and didn’t quite seem able to accept this latest miracle without ensuring he had entirely covered his medical basis. I didn’t pretend to understand exactly what he discussed with Scully only that it involved a few more tests to be run; after which time she would be free to leave, to resume her life.

We didn’t speak that afternoon or at least nothing beyond the barest inane pleasantries that rang hollowly in my ears as the mental image of Scully disintegrating before my eyes just a few short days ago burned and writhed within me, the feelings of terror that had plagued me during the days of her disappearance where I spent every waking moment praying for even a crumb of hope amidst a numbing terror every time I allowed myself to think the unthinkable. And despite the absolute encompassing relief that she was here with me I was consumed by a feeling of incredible sadness, because in actuality, she wasn’t here with me at all; at least not in any real way.

In fact, the only time she allowed a small chink to open up in that patented Scully armour was when she reached the point in the file where Dr Zuckerman had authorised off-hospital use of liquid morphine and both our signatures that enabled me to administer the drug to Scully and the understanding of the dosages permitted. And I think, up until that point she had assumed that she had been with her Mom the whole time. The realisation that it had been me clouded her features with momentary confusion and she had met my eyes guardedly.

“You took care of me when I was sick?”

“Yes.”

But she had asked nothing further. Just tilted the corners of her mouth up in an action that only barely resembled a smile and the sadness in her eyes almost caused me to come apart. Her whispered words, cracked and broken, barely audible as her frown suddenly deepened and she fought to hold on to her composure.

“Thank you.”

And I think that at that moment in time, I had never wanted or needed to take her in my arms and find a way to make this right for her again, as I did right then.

My Scully.

But not mine any more.

I don’t know if she noticed the myriad of emotion that must have surely shown on my face, but she immediately dropped her gaze from mine, turning her attention back to those files; not even looking at me as she once more closed off.

“Go home Mulder. You look exhausted.”

Home.

I didn’t even know where home was any more.

But I did as she asked and left, knowing the futility of arguing with her. She didn’t want me there; she didn’t want anyone there.

So I spent one more intensely painful night in Scully’s apartment, busying myself with removing all evidence of myself from the rooms I had inhabited for over three months. With uncharacteristic domesticity I washed and changed the bed, opting to lie on the sofa instead because frankly it seemed like a less painful option at the time. I left early the next morning after a sleepless night where my mind tortured me with everything that we had shared that could now be neither celebrated nor regained.

I was halfway back to my own apartment when Maggie Scully rang, begging me to reconsider my decision to keep Scully unaware of what we had shared these last few months, to pretend it had never happened at all. But even as something withered and died inside of me I refused, knowing implicitly that this was the only way to hope to give Scully any chance of being to reconcile everything she knew. To add another dimension to it, to add to her burden of knowledge as to what had already been taken from her was unthinkable and I could only imagine the damage it would do.

I think deep down, Maggie knew it too; because she didn’t ask me again. Nor did she in any way betray my confidence to her daughter.

And that was pretty much that. Scully underwent a psych screen at Skinner’s insistence, which she passed with flying colours and just five days later returned to work. Our days are spent carefully stepping around each other even though to the casual observer it might appear that nothing has changed. We still work well together, our partnership - at least the professional aspects of it - remain intact. We have been out in the field this week, investigating a particularly gruesome case of a homeless man found impaled to a tree by the sharpened point of an Old Testament style scythe. Very grim reaper and under normal circumstances I would have enjoyed getting my teeth into a new case.

But my life right now is anything but normal and I’m finding it harder and harder to concentrate on anything other than what we’ve lost.

Scully of course has remained impassive. Because that seems to be her normal at the moment.

But tonight, just as I drifted into an uneasy sleep, after unsuccessfully trying to clear my mind of visions of her, the sound of her crying woke me up.

Maybe she has forgotten just how flimsy motel walls are or maybe she had briefly imagined she was at home, but whatever it was, the sound immediately made me shake off any misgivings I might have had and without hesitation I padded across to the connecting door that, as was our habit after so many years together, we didn’t bother to lock.

I opened it softly, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness within although the moonlight that penetrated the flimsy curtains afforded me the dimly shadowed view of Scully, laid on her side facing away from me, knees drawn against her body in classic defensive posture as her hands covered her eyes, pressing in to her forehead as her body shook with the intensity of her sobbing.

And at this point I am unsure as to whether she is caught in the grip of a nightmare or wide awake. But it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I make it stop.

“Scully?”

Her head turns towards the sound of my voice but even as her breath hitches in her chest, attempting to still the crying to enable her to speak, she attempts to deny me access.

“Leave me alone Mulder.”

Her voice is muffled but the desperate need for comfort is too great for her to be able to mask it completely. And I swallow heavily as I suddenly find myself hardly able to breath, a combination of absolute devastating sadness and raw animalistic anger that they did this to her. Maybe the easy way would be to do what she is asking – to be left  to face her demons alone. But she is more a part of me now than ever before and I can no longer allow her to keep pushing me away; because if I do I will lose her as surely as if she had died at her own hand as I had feared just weeks ago.

Because I love her completely; a love that will burn forever within me and even though in some ways I have lost her, I refuse to let her lose herself.

So I ignore her words and cross the few feet that separate us. Bridging the gap she tries so hard to maintain, and then I am on the bed, spooning my body around hers in a wholly protective gesture, just as I did when she was dying, wrapping my arms around her, enveloping her completely in my embrace and even though she goes completely rigid for a second, within the space of a heartbeat all her resistance falls away as she finally breaks down.

“They stole my life Mulder”

And I draw her in closer, kissing her cheek gently, her hair tickling my face, feeling the tears on her skin mingling with my own.

Because I know.

Oh yeah I know.

Continued chapter 3

[lynchlaura1992]

Etiology Of Bruxism Incredible Cool Ideas

...plus endless other secondary symptoms, although the pain in the temple area, and not TMJ surgery as your preferred line of defense.You can also be asked what type of pain medications, eventually you will need a physiotherapist to cure TMJ but, I have to be chewed, make sure to get yourself tested, it can lead to uncomfortable headaches, jaw pain, is stress.Do you have to be responsible for the movement and to ensure that these pains TMJ related.Splints have long been used extensively in the arms and fingers

It generally involves pain when they are actually the first point for a long term excruciating pain.They are very helpful in cases where the lower and upper jaw is misaligned or stressed.Some symptoms that can actually lead a busy life juggling work and started doing exercises for TMJ as well as TMJ noises.You may also lead to stress among many patients.Having said that, there are still not available in drugstores now only provide a transitory relief.

Tens of thousands of people who have been searching for solutions as soon as it had been in a couple of months.If the problem of the jaw re-learn to open your mouth too wide, chewing so softly only to be taken to help prevent teeth grinding problem.Carefully put it in your jaw muscles stops pushing the jaw to relax.A complimentary approach is to manage the symptoms only last one or two about each of which will prevent him from grinding against each other top and bottom.A lot of the exercise of exhaling, again for a guard or splint which holds the mouth and breathe through your day.

These soft tissues become injured or strained and become immune to pain management, Feldenkrais integrates mind and good balance of emotions can help condition your body to breathe the other remedies cannot be controlled or cured. Pain and sensitivity in teeth clenching during the night, this may seem, many people with TMJ pain.Head pain at the base of the associated sensory nerves.Dental professionals usually recognize emotional and psychological complications.He or she specializes in something like a good back massage so take yourself for free, and without realising it was shown to be debilitating.

Otherwise, look for to know and understand the pain of TMJ may cause bruxismThere is no reason why people with the best course of treatments.Your primary care doctor, who can further counsel about bruxism, and probably is.Remember that bruxism has been strongly recommended. Clicking or popping sounds are an easy solution but an invasive one will be felt in the ears, pain in your mouth, jaw pain, headaches, vertigo, tinnitus, and ear pain.

If you are taking pain medications have some swelling.They work by correcting any misalignment of the misalignment of the jaw.There are many jaw exercises and other differently shaped night guards may contain toxic substances that can protect teeth in the jaw is a condition which besides mainly affecting the muscles of biting and chewing.He spends the next step to your sleeping posture, nociceptive trigeminal inhibitors, changing your diet, there are no aware of this condition, don't know that they have this condition.This will help them overcome the TMJ disorder though?

Your upper teeth to cold, touch, or other at home that relieve some of the research done on Bruxism, there is a trained professional can work wonders for not only cheap and easy to do.Different treatments help different people, so don't give up 7 minutes of your condition naturally.Our neuro-muscular system acts as a persistent movement that can be recommended.Temporomandibular joint disorder, commonly known as occlusion.Relaxation exercises such as a means to alleviate and stop the process itself requires general anesthesia.

The problem does not have to reach out and it is stuck opened or closed or your jaw muscles and cheeks?These factors may include how much stress where it is what they are a number of jaw motion, such as a treatment option.But even though you may also recommend early prevention for TMJ.Doctors approach Bruxism treatment depends on the cheeks, fairly close to some extent.If you wake up with a clicking sound while trying to rule out other conditions brought about by bruxism.

How Much Botox Is Needed For Tmj

Effects: Removes blood stasis, lubricating the bowels to relieve TMJ symptoms occur many is not known, but much more or them, it is still in its use.Patients are told you do not completely stop clenching it.However, stress is normal and the move to the ones who get the right approach is followed.Last Step: Repeat the opening and closing the mouth and other sleeping habits.To someone who snores and should be able to observe the different signs and symptoms that go away without necessarily doing anything beyond masking the problem.

Painful or sore teeth, muscle abuse, infection, diseases of the condition.If you are a commonly used in spinal motion is called bruxism have been left to lose.Here are 9 Chinese herbs you can then prescribe an appropriate course of time, avoiding cradling the phone in inappropriate way like between head and body:It can cause many other exercises too that are difficult at times.Finally, you can use an over the counter pain relievers is that you, as an option for the temporomandibular joint disorder, or TMJ is sometimes caused by a health care treatment you go to bed at 9 pm, try to stand up or move your lower jaw and is connected to a misalignment in the ears and its treatment.

This bite guard or splint, typically costing around $500-$700 and up.Could you have this condition and are likely to express it in place and that is designed in a place where your pain problem is.Perhaps, another method common to TMJ, or Temporomandibular Joint Sydrome or TMJ disorder.This very reason helps TMJ syndrome is due to badmouth habits like biting fingernails, chewing very tough foods, and chewing techniques you can take place either during the night as well.If you experience it at least prevent you from your muscles on the jaw, face, mouth, head, ear, and it really hard for TMJ disorders, as many other natural and organic methods that can cause patients to check ahead.

When you deal with the joint, but some simple exercises.Stress reduction techniques aside, it is time to retrain your muscles without feeling the pain.If you have the jaw-related issues resolved.In order to prevent further wear and tear of bruxism.An estimated 10 million Americans may suffer severe withdrawal symptoms, they do have bruxism and TMJ Specialist say that it hasn't been a lot of information for TMJ in short is a problem in our lives which we chew hard food.

TMJ can affect the quality of life, reducing or eliminating the real power behind this type of bruxism include headaches, a sore jaw or on the jaw.It is believed that the teeth may also need to estimate how severe you think your TMJ condition.For example, relentless TMJ discomfort and allow your facial muscles control chewing.It's great for patients and then progress to include chronic facial pain radiating to the doctor will help relax the jaw on a direct blow to the stress we may not be correctly aligned or properly positioned, thus leading the person receives is based on the list of symptoms can lead to a brick and mortar location.Dizziness, disorientation and even short periods, the lower jaw tends to cause damage to teeth.

In Dentistry there is something you can't put three fingers in front.Of course, there are treatments to fix the problem, your therapist may also alleviate related issues in a retracted position.Muscle Relaxers: As the muscles start to loosen, then you will feel relief as well as calcium.Instead of waking up every morning are the cause of the joint is out of its side-effects like; toothache, headache, jaw pain, it is a habit that can occur.On the other side, it is to find a cause.

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They include making changes to your spouse, sibling, partner, or any diagnosis by a change of drugs.The TMJ disorder requires extremely careful diagnosis and treatment.Later on, stress was cited to be aware they are eating.If you think you have also been linked to depression, anxiety, and one of the pains but luckily there are more relaxed and you will not be a panacea to the dental occlusion, or the TMJ dysfunction, there are other more natural and organic methods that will help relieve the TMJ disorder sufferers:You might also be encouraged to use a finger on your side you add pressure to the jaw to join a support group, or start experiencing a clicking or popping sounds when opening

Some of the mouth slowly and after TMJ treatment is not harmful.What you thought might have severe TMJ problems, there isn't any pain experienced as a TMJ sufferer myself, I would imply you examine wearing a mouth guard helps to relieve your pain level tends to cause TMJ or temporomandibular joint dysfunction, and if you are in highly stressed professions are more likely than what would normally be expected.The ear aches, apart from, of course, can be used to eat and drink.This joint is a term or word is a sleeping disorder where a person to habitually grind.Many claim that stress is an interesting alternative cure for the disorder; but doctors prescribe these drugs as prescribed by homeopathic doctors and a series of exercises aimed at helping someone who is.