#Im taking out toxic people in my life and focusing on mine | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ryan-spinel · 5 years ago

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Only been gone for two days, it would been longer but I miss you guys so much😔

Just so everyone knows, I’m still a little sensitive. But during this very small break I have made some decisions.

1. I will upload a post that has rules and regulations whenever you visit or interact with my blog. ( the link for the rules will be in my BIO) it is recommended that everyone reads the rules. As punishment for breaking one of these rules will be that the user will be blocked. I’m not going to report them because that will just waste my time.

2. During this time, I have unfollowed a lot of tumblr accounts. That has a toxic vibe. It makes me sad that I won’t see their amazing art. But the their unhealthy to interact with.

3. Everyone is welcomed. But if that person chooses to break the rules they will be blocked.

4. Starting now, I will not post or reblog anything political or current events. Only Stevinel related posts, or whatever I want. I don’t want to do with any of that to avoid another conflict.

5. I don’t want to be apart of any fandom that isn’t Steven Universe, this is a strictly a SU blog. (For the most part)

6. As long as everyone follows the rules. We will all have a good fun time.

Note: this next paragraph is a Vent paragraph. It may include swearing. No one has to read this if you don’t want to.

I remember a time, a time that I would go on my device and look through Tumblr. Before I joined Tumblr, I heard that it can be a toxic place like any social media site. I joined tumblr for one reason only. And that’s to find amazing spinel artwork or audios and stevinel artwork. When I joined tumblr I wasn’t aware of the hate that this simple ship got. I realized that people are so fucked in the head, that they would witch-hunt people over a ship to the point of suicide. I wonder, how would someone devote all their time, just to call someone they don’t personally know a pedophile. I’m lucky that I haven’t been targeted to much over a stupid ship. But when I visit a tumblr that I love, I listen to their audios and like their art. They all of a sudden, started swearing and typing horrible stuff because someone (Who was minding their own business) visited their blog. And was a Steven x gem shipper. But the worst part is, is not the people who go and witch-hunt people. It’s the people that passive aggressively, say everyone is welcomed. But the mention of stevinel makes them UNCOMFORTABLE. UNCOMFORTABLE, are you fucking serious. How is someone that messed up, to be uncomfortable over a fucking FICTIONAL ship. It’s idiotic. Those are people I’m trying to say anyway from, I’m only going to follow Steven x gem accounts for now on. It hurts me that I can’t like or visit something without being targeted. Because it goes to show. That human can be so fucked up. It doesn’t matter who you are, if your on the LGBTQ, any race, any gender, any culture, any mental illness or even any religion.

NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE. HAS AN EXCUSE. TO BE A PIECE OF FUCKING HUMAN GARBAGE TO SOMEONE. PERIOD

IM A PROUD STEVINEL SHIPPER(also a stevidot shipper)

NO ONE WILL STOP ME FROM DOING WHAT I LOVE. YOU CAN CALL ME A PEDOPHILE, YOU CAN TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF, YOU CAN TELL ME ANY FUCKING THING THAT WILL HURT ME. BUT GUESS WHAT. ITS NOT STOPPING ME

Everyone deserves the freedom to look at what they want. And it’s cruel that someone can’t interact with someone because they ship something they don’t like.

THIS IS A STEVINEL BLOG, AND ITS GOING TO STAY A STEVINEL BLOG. BECAUSE I LOVE THAT SHIP. AND IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, YOU CAN JUST GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

oh god, I’m sorry for anyone who had to read it. I just feel so hurt.

On a brighter note

Thank you @fireopal-tash @melandherartnvc @sightdloki9949 for your support, it means a lot to me. Really, when I saw you guys replied to my last post. I started crying because how does internet friends care so much about you. I’m really glad to meet you guys. Thank you 🙏🏻

#maybe its my paranoia #IDK #Im just tired of this crap im seeing #im still doing the best i can #Im taking out toxic people in my life and focusing on mine #im truly sorry for anyone who is senistive to swearing #not hate aloud or risk being blocked #2020 #Im just mad that im getting so much hate #i think once all this quarintine crap is over #im probably not going to be to active on tumblr #i deserve to be happy #i deserve to be loved #But i will never delete this tumblr

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throwaway-yandere · 2 years ago

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Spoilers!!!

my random rambling about to explain why ["No" (Yandere!Albedo/Reader)] is a mess lmao (and no i didn't proofread this, enjoy reading my unaltered agony):

Edit: actually nevermind i edited just one word cause I couldn't take the misspelling lol. There rest of these texts are still unedited except for that one specific word ( which is troupe to trope lol )

Writing albedo's pretty much a challenge because i pegged that he's the type of yandere that you wouldn't figure out he's one unless he confesses everything. He's popular, but a recluse. He's eccentric, but he can be trusted. Those are some characteristics that can make create such a disastrous slowburn yandere. And he likely confess after a long time just to have a record of your reaction (with a scholarly purpose in mind.)

Idk if I managed to make him subtle at all ;;-;; My goal was to make the reader think albedo is a green flag for most of it all while dropping hints that he aint idk if that worked out but oh well no beta we die like __ right?

It's not my proudest work that's for sure, but it's an interesting ride writing it so I thought I'd share lol (꒪ヮ꒪)

The fic was supposed to be inspired by Love Hypothesis. A friend made me read it in a sleepover and I jokingly suggested doing a yandere albedo version and I guess I'm a man of my word(?). I unfortunately had to change a lot since I can't see Albedo having a very intense strict "I don't want to produce mediocre scientists" mindset, and the reader is gn! here so they shouldn't have women-specific STEM struggles. Albedo's loved by a lot of people and he's rather lax when teaching Timaeus so I really can't picture him playing the "grump" character troupe. I have a habit of constantly checking character voice lines in the wiki to get a gist of who I'm writing and I just can't see him as an Adam Carlsen. Send help. (´；ω；｀)

And also a big "unlike LoveHypo" here is that this is a yandere story. It's bond to be toxic. It doesn't read like the source material anymore since it's not a grumpy/sunshine troupe, it's a reluctant stalker/suspicious individual dynamic, if that's a thing. Ironically, I think this is a first fic of mine where the reader lowkey wins in the end? Lmao. What. ರ_ರ

Also: I REVISED THIS FIC SO MANY TIMES YOU HAVE NO IDEA 😭😭😭 For unrelated reasons I got sick with quite the high fever in the middle writing the latter half as well LOL (≧▽≦). The fic was supposed to be more faithful to Love Hypothesis but of course that's scrapped due to reasons mentioned above but then I added that small ex-itto tidbit for fun and temporarily made the reader into a pure chaotic, reckless (and lowkey asshole) person so it'll be believable that the two were exes. Also SCRAPPED that partially because when I tried writing their dialogues with Albedo they're both going nowhere fast and it's turning into a real clownship ;;;;-;;;; wtf. Nearly had the reader call Albedo a dweeb in a dialogue.

Got writer's block with this story and tried writing something else and at that point I was writing 3 fics at once for no valid reason (and now an itto-focused side story for "careful, he bites" is nearly done lololol, I finished a short alhaitham fic before this as well, will prolly upload it tomorrow. The sagau au take I have might take a while). I'm very sorry for my absence! Life is absolutely hectic rn sigh

Also, here's the story header/banner i scrapped as well lololol:

Ain't this a mess lol.

ya know what makes this more hilarous?

i enrolled in an educ course in a state uni before i finished this fic lmfao--

so yeah, "why did they not fake date like in love hypo--" cause im a coward and it felt weird for me to write something about that considering my future possible profession hAHAHAH--

Edit:

#tag: no - albedo #ansytea-talks

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bratz-kitten · 4 years ago

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Hey girl, i need some advice and i hope you can help me. I don’t know if you’ve been through this but i guess so bc i saw some asks ago where you were talking about this and yeah

How do i deal with someone i love (ex partner) moving on so quickly and being with another girl?

And like, when that happened to you did you compare yourself to that girl? Because that’s also a huge issue of mine, im always comparing myself to her and stalking them like ugh HELP

OKAY FUCKING PREPARE YOURSELF

the first thing you’re gonna do is, hear me out: you’re not gonna get involved with ANYONE. not for a good while, not until you’re ready. trust me when i say that the one who moves on the fastest after the breakup is the one that’ll suffer the most. even though it might not seem like it now, even though he might be experiencing happiness right now, in some months reality’s gonna hit and it’s gonna hit him hard. why? because he didn’t process the breakup. he didnt allow himself the time to get over you and just moved on so he wouldn’t have to deal with the bad feelings. literally a few months after what happened to me, his best friend texted me saying how he tried covering up a huge hole with a quick bandaid and now he was realizing how it had only been a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

the second reason why you’re not gonna get involved with anyone else is because that’s what he’s expecting you to do. he immediately moved on to someone else in part to hurt you — and he WANTS you to move on with someone else so that he can feel the satisfaction of you trying to replace him. it’ll boost his ego and it’ll make it easier for him to warp his perception of you into someone who he doesn’t respect.

if there’s one thing i know is that men always come back, no matter how toxic or healthy what you had was. they come back when they sense you getting over them, they come back when they see how amazing you’re doing, they come back when they realize how much they messed up.

so what you’re gonna do is focus on yourself. im not just talking about a physical glow up, im talking mental. when i went through that i couldnt stop comparing myself to her, i used to have an amazing confidence but i let myself shatter it, constantly feeling like i wasn’t enough, like i wasn’t loveable, like i was replaceable just because he replaced me. you know what helped? working on my individuality. right now im focusing so much on developing my style, wearing things out of my comfort zone, things that make me happy, things that make me feel so sexy and confident. unique things. working on my makeup skills too and how to express myself with makeup. skincare and haircare too, there’s something so healing about taking care of yourself and being gentle and dedicating all the love and care you deserve and start seeing results. go watch hyram on youtube if you want to learn about skincare! it’s so much fun. about the mental part: astrology has helped me so much. you gotta be infatuated with yourself, with learning more about you and your past and your traumas and unhealed shit that you need to acknowledge and work on. also manifestation and saying daily mantras to myself about how pretty and smart and interesting i feel, and listening to music that makes me feel sexy. i find exercise boring bc i need to be constantly stimulated so what i started doing was dancing to just dance videos on youtube and now i cant stop LOL ITS SO FUN, gets my blood pumping makes me feel sexy when im dancing to rihanna songs AHDJDJDJ and makes me feel more energized. and for the love of god: PLEASE get a hobbie. you don’t need to do a lot right now, just ONE. hobbies give you so much self-worth and make you feel so capable and like you’re art creating art - i dont want to be cheesy but it is true that interesting people have interests, this is the time for you to get into something you’ve always wanted to do or that you used to love doing as a child but stopped because life got in the way.

i also want you to allow yourself to feel. don’t repress - whenever you want to cry, cry. whenever you miss him, allow yourself to. whenever you remember all the amazing things he did, or all the terrible things he did, or that YOU did, allow yourself to feel all that. time heals nothing, it’s you who’s gotta put in the work to heal yourself.

also, this is the time to focus on your friendships. join an online community or talk with your current friends, talk with them through what happened, be with people who can make you laugh just as hard as he did. communicate all that you feel to them, about your past, about how much you love them, doesn’t matter.

a thing that i did that helped so much was that i’d imagine him coming back and begging me to get back together with him, and i’d imagine being at a point that i felt so good by myself, that i was so confident and so focused on my shit that i’d tell him no. and eventually i became that girl, who was over him and deserved so much more than some childish kid who thinks i’m replaceable, and that’s exactly when he came back. so, please remember that just because you feel like he replaced you, it doesnt mean he did. you are irreplaceable, unfuckwitable, unlinkable, way too good for ANYONE.

and PLEASE STOP WITH THE STALKING LMFAO THAT’S THE WORST PART OF ALL, IT’S SO HARD TO STOP STALKING AND TO NOT ANALYZE EVERY LITTLE THING THAT HE LIKES AND TWEETS AND EVERYTHING THAT SHE POSTS BUT YOU’RE GONNA STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. you dont need to block them, there’s an option on twitter that lets you silence them so you’ll never see them on your tl, if it’s on other social medias where you can’t silence, unfollow and block. know that it doesn’t matter who’s prettier or smarter or hotter, SHE’S NOT YOUR COMPETITION. know that as much as you’re comparing yourself to her, she’s comparing herself to you ten times worse. sending your pics to her friends asking them if they think you’re pretty and shit. she’s not your enemy and it’s not her fault he’s an asshole. so you’ll just let them completely out of your life. also, out of sight out of mind. avoid seeing him. if you have work together or school together or ride the bus together or whatever, avoid all the places where you know he’ll be. make an effort to never be around the same places as him.

i wish you good luck my love, know that you’re the shit, literally the hottest and smartest bitch alive and that’s something he’ll never be able to take away from you. this is what helped me through the worst times, so take it with a grain of salt pls im not an expert. I LOVE YOU

#answered

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ambrosialips · 3 years ago

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I really should be sleeping right now. I've got a ton to do and I need to wake up early, and yet it's 3 am and I'm about to spill my thoughts and feelings in my notes like I'm running some famous self-care blog that focuses on my healing journey. If I'd do that, I wonder what other stuff I'd post? Maybe recipes, top 10 favourite Crystals?? Witchcraft 101 or just best artsupplies for a begginer, if that would even exist, I mean no matter the art supplies a begginer is still a begginer.

I think I'll write about letting go, about releasing people , relationships and parts of yourself that no longer serve you, looking at the strings attaching your heart space to those specific people or feelings, habits or cycles and deciding that you're better off without them, or that the time has come for the two of you to go your separate ways, for your lessons have your learned and journey together ended. Since a few weeks now, I started releasing people, friends I once knew and loved. I guess our journey together ended, or they managed to teach me the lessons that the universe was dying to teach me. It's quite funny actually, it all started with someone I once loved and held in my heart so dearly proving to be nothing than a false person...someone who wished me ill, or just hated me for no concrete reason. Tarot mentioned that they felt frustrated, envious, jealous because my growth has been paying off and I might have been doing better than them, so they lashed out and started sending me negativity. They weren't like that all the time, they never acted like that before, never insulted me for no reason, never tried to pick a fight with me for no reason, never acted negative, at least not in front of me or with me. I am proud of the way that I handled the situation though, I tried my best to stay calm and collected, stand my ground and tried to calmly talk to them. I did get annoyed at one point and made a snarky comment, but for the most part my growth was able to show. In the past I would have started yelling, insulting them back, being negative and hurt, while now, or at least a few weeks ago I tried my best to avoid conflict and be calm.

After the pointless "conflict" I was left hurt. Hurt and angry that someone that I cared for so much proved to be nothing other than guest at a masquarde ball who just so happened to drop their mask at the wrong time. I made sure to make my feelings clear to my friends. Where getting your feelings out is good, I could have been a bit more mature about it, but nonetheless that experience and those feelings have been processed and I wish them well. I wish them good luck on their evolution and love and light, because at the end of the day, we're all on different stages of healing , some more immature who still hold to negative feelings and unprocessed emotions and events, and others who learned to accept what happened and let go, releasing what no longer serves them in their life purpose and who let themselves process and feel their emotions, then release the negative ones as well, and others who are doing that right now(good luck to you guys , I know how hard that is). We can't hate the people on low vibrations for being low vibrational, all we can really do is wish them well and wish them low and wish them healing just like others did to us.

Soon after that, I started looking at my others friendships, even at my group of friends at the time, and slowly understood that the environment and people weren't the best for me. Maybe I've outgrown them, maybe I've healed enough to work on a higher vibrations, or maybe I was just blind to the red flags and didn't see how toxic some of the interactions were, but nonetheless I let them go, I released those relationships because they didn't serve me anymore and kept on wishing them love and light and healing, because all of them deserve to heal and be happy. After releasing them I was quite alone, not lonely though. I slowly started doing better, feeling better, getting into a better mindset. The alone time and release of negativity really helped me focus on myself and growing. Started releasing more toxic habits and mindsets, continued to release toxic and negative people from my life, learned to put boundaries and what I really want in a friendships. I recently found out the reality of 2 connections from my life, these people didn't drop their masks, let's just say that I found out who they were through a little bit of help, a mirror and some magic, and as much as it saddened me, I let them go, still wishing them love and light and happines and good luck in their evolution.

A lot of things happened in almost two months, guess that my full moon releasing really helped. With finding the truth about so many people and connections I've also understood something else that's quite important in my opinion. The idea of revenge. Looking back on how my younger self would have seeked it, wanting to let them know how it feels instead of being the more mature one, wishing them well and trusting the universe that they will get what they deserve kind of saddens me. Revenge feels like such a negative concept now, going your way to hurt somebody because they hurt you, trying to "make it even" instead of understanding the situation and trying to learn and grow from it seems pointless. Why burden yoruself with all that negativity that will only harm you more than try healing.

Over all, letting go and releasing can be a tough thing to do, but also a really important one. It's hard letting go of people that you love because you understood that they no longer had a place in your life, or that they were toxic or only using you for the things that you had to offer, like the best advice for every situation, yes that was a petty exemple from my personal life, finding out that hurt, but it's important to do it so you can progress , heal, get better and live a happier life instead if being stagnant, letting them bring you down or only holding to the connection until it becomes toxic or you have a horrid fallout. Releasing habits and toxic patterns feels even harder, because im order for you release them you have to firstly recognise them. Recognise that you're being toxic to other people or that some of the things you do are self destructive, but that you re too afraid of change to let them go, but yet again, letting them go makes so much room for healing and bettering yoruself and for a better life.

I've had people saying that they relate to these little vents and thoughts and feelings of mine, so for the people that are too afraid to release, or that are struggling to release people and habits and destructive behaviours and patterns, put yourself first. Put your well-being first. Put your happiness first. I know it's hard trust me I do, but what helps me the most is thinking about my goal , thinking about who I want to be, thinking about why I'm doing this. My goal is to heal, to heal my traumas , doesn't matter if it's generational or gained in this life. My goal is to fully love myself and to be happy. My goal is to become the best version of myself, my most authentic self and all I've been doing for the past one or two years is workings towards that. That meant losing people, gaining new ones, letting go of the ones that were negative and toxic and learning to also enjoy time by myself. It meant facing myself and admitting the fact that I couldn't live the way I was living anymore , that I couldn't feel depressed and just wonder if I'll leave until highschool. That meant starting to cry while facing the bathroom mirror because I complimented myself for the first time in years. That meant unlearning all the pain and hurt that others thought me, and teaching myself love and happiness and how to take care of myself.

If you have something to release, remember your goal. Put yourself first and send them love as you continue to grow and mature

#healingjourney #self healing #mental health #healing #thank you for letting me rant #letting my thoughts out #letting go #releasing #full moon #fullmoonaquarius #aquarius full moon #blue moon #spirituality #nonbinary #life #writing #vent #venting

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mathieubellamont · 5 years ago

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man in relation to that last post, and its not really related to this blog outside of it but its weighing on my mind

ive seen two things lately about audiences and content creators, specifically those of the Edgy kind. And, as a disclaimer, i am both LGBT and mixed race and oh, also disabled, and i am not saying “yes their content is offensive But you should care about them more” like ofc im gonna care more about the people who are hurt by the spreading of harmful shit but. anyway

whats been on my mind is the fact that these creators create, with all their edginess and their discarding of feelings for Facts and whatnot forms these audiences that, even if mild in their reactions, have and hold no place for feelings, and people who they disagree with. Even the ones who just have “Comedic” content thats laughing at minorities and whatnot, it breeds things in the audience - and attracts peole who’re already infected by it - that focus on laughing and making fun of people and tearing people down who they just mildly disagree with. We all knew that, but specifically whats weighing on my mind is that........... When you do that, theres no backing down. If you realise youve been wrong somewhere and the people youre attacking have been right, if you realise you dont want to make this content anymore, if you realise you’re tired or stressed, or the environment youve created has gotten too toxic, how are you going to back down? People look to you for their vicious entertainment, people look to you for things to tear apart however lightly, to Roast or to offend or to seriously hurt, and if you arent providing fresh bodies to that audience, theyll take it from you. You have to either be sure when you go into creating edgy content that youll be doing this for the rest of your life, or youre ok with being the subject of what youre inflicting on others when you stop. That, or you have to hope to god that your audience gets bored of you before you call it quits

like...... It all boils down to this. Edginess attracts two main kinds of people, people who are clueless about the harm theyre doing and looking to parrot others/who want to make people uncomfortable or upset/who want to make people feel like they feel, thats one category, and the other main category is genuinely fucked up people who like to see the hurt and the offence it causes, who want women/other minorities to be uncomfortable at best or unwelcome or feel in danger at worst, people who show through their humour that theyre willing to act in ways that hurt people for fun. The first category, people who dont get the harm it causes and just want to shock people (which, as a person clueless to microaggressions and racism and why things actually offend people could either be just surprise Or serious harm they label as shock), theyre clueless about the power youre breeding in them and the cluelessness, but the second group of people are actively harmful. Either way, when you finally need your audience to be understanding, when you need to post your “my mental health is going downhill and i cant ignore it anymore” video or post, youre stuck with these people, and obviously others outside those categories, but youre stuck with them. The people who are willing to beat down already beaten down minorities? Who reduce everyone to a set of stereotypes and if they disagree with any quality you have youre their target? Who think doxxing and swatting are funny, who think harrassment and death threats are just edgy and, well, you know edgy is totally fine right?? Edgy is good right?? what are you going to do?

Maybe when youre in your hour of need your audience will have a change of heart, but if you attract an audience who follow you for and approve of your disregard for peoples needs, who make fun of and attact people saying they need help (”i suffer at the hands of oppression” “im disabled” “im a targeted minority” “ive suffered from harassment” etc) what do you think theyre going to do to you when you dont want to play the game anymore?

Like theres a leap in logic here between being an edgy content creator and definitely reaching a point where you wont do it anymore. Yes, maybe youll be edgy for the rest of your life....... But as someone who was an edgy teenager slinging around slurs constantly and racist and homophobic and transphobic shit...... The end to that was the singular logical conclusion for me as someone trying to be a good person. When you actually learn about these things, or when you start to live it as an lgbt person or you reconnect with your nonwhite half, or you have a family member who is assaulted, or a friend who finally confesses their online harassment and the severe damage its done to them, and you have an audience waiting for you to tell them who to laugh at/treat like shit if they want to because well, theyre wrong and stupid arent they, why should anyone treat them well - thats the conclusion a lot of these people take from seeing people be made the butt of jokes.......... What are you going to do?

Ive always tried to make this blog a mentally and emotionally safe place. Ive made mistakes, but ive always tried to own up to them and learn from. Like, yeah, theres been some racist shit on this blog before, probably some transphobic shit too, ive had this blog since i just turned 17 in dec. 2013....... Its important for my followers that i cultivate a place that is good for them, that isnt stressful, that focuses on good content or. me having fun in video games lmao. and why is that good? well, because i want to. Its not necessarily the right thing to do nor the wrong thing to do, it just Is morally. But when it comes to cultivating an audience based on constantly shocking people, and making people uncomfortable, and making innocent people scared to exist or ashamed of their existence or hurt because theyre reminded that what they are is disgusting to people like you, whether you mean it or not? Thats where I feel things like this become a moral choice. Like, first of all, even if youre doing it jokingly, if youre having fun pretending to throw punches and kicks even if the point is to laugh at you, you run the risk of people getting hit. Thats why we dont do that in public spaces. When youre jokingly throwing metaphorical punches even if the joke is that youre being an arse purposely, youre in that corridor, and the traffic in that corridor is every single person that sees your post, possibly hundreds, possibly thousands, and so the chance that youre going to hit people - many people - is huge. But to get back to whats on my mind, even if you dont give a shit about all the people you hit accidentally or on purpose, when you train an audience to expect you to feed them meat, when you stop feeding them meat theyll still be looking at you, and if theyre hungry enough - entitled enough, angry enough, uncaring enough, tired of life and other people enough, unknowing enough, ready enough to bring the fight to other people - theyre going to pick at you if not take chunks off you if not tear you to shreds. When you call people who think shock humour and hurting other people is acceptable, well, thats what youve done right?

You dont need to make a blog like mine thats purpose is to be safe. You dont need to actively try to make sure people feel like they fit in with your content, you dont need to create a space for other people to enjoy at all, maybe you just wanna do what makes you laugh. But the less space we hold for people to hurt people the less people are going to get hurt, shocker i know, but also the less harmful people’s anger we are unknowingly feeding, and the less fucking clueless kids who are going to grow up parroting things theyve heard and never understood, that truly evil people understand, and the less content creators in the future we’re going to have to dig out of the hole they back themselves into

anyway. odd post, its done now

#i cant proofread this ugh im at my limit. kinda defeats the point of making this post if its not understandable but anyway #sorry this. i put it here because its directly related to the below post and its about content creators #this might make very little sense and theres probably a lot of logic leaps i didnt explain and maybe im super wrong and whatever but #theres absolutely no need for anyone to address this and its better if it isnt addressed but im in a bit of a bad space mentally right now #(dont worry im going to bed after i do the dishes)#unknowingly hurting people and hurting people in general and people unknowingly backing themselves into corners is just.#on my mind except on my Heart ad emotions right now i just need to talk about it #i just keep thinking if i can save one fucking kid from getting into trouble #hell even the content creators i thoroughly disagree with. the ones echoing harmful ideas and Haha Offensive oppressive content #the idea that some of them are still doing it because they cant escape...... the idea of anyone realising their mistakes and being stuck #and not being able to get out of it #theres so much anger in the world and i Know everyones tired and theyre aching emotionally #everyone including the people i really dont like are all doing what theyre doing because. anyway #its just. the more we can talk about this - and i understand as Many Minority Statuses Overlapping that we dont owe any assholes conversatio #n - the more people who can talk about this talk about this and bridge the gap and drag people who dont know better out of their edgy #phases to become better more conscious people..............#oof. its almost 5am #traitor's ramblings #assault #mention.

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fearsbellsarchived · 5 years ago

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[me? Thinking about a gf fairytales au instead of being productive? More likely than u think!!! think ou.at buT BETTER and w/o the real world dimension hopping part. under the cut bc i just copy/pasted my tags from forever ago to put them in one place

mabel and dipper are hansel and gretal

paz is sleeping beauty

bill is maleficient

if we’re gonna get disney about it wendy as merida

i LOVE the idea of tambry as rapunzel???

mabel can also be like...eric from the little mermaid

so mermando can be ariel

gIDEON AS URSULA/VANESSA IN THAT VEIN THO

bill is also rumplestilskin

stan can be the huntsman (idk from which story cause theres a fEW BUT)

ford is the sorcerer from fanstasia

ford is teaching dipper magic....and instead of a true love’s kiss that’s how he wakes paz (maybe?)

the northwests made a deal w bill like in the most famous version of rumplestilskin but instead of wanting paz for himself he just wanted to steal her body at 16

so when they lose the deal they ask for help from ford and ford’s like “yo i can maybe change the deal??? a little bit???” so instead of bill taking her over when he goes to she falls asleep

so dipper wasnt supposed to wake her up but he found her and fords notes and he and mabel went on an adventure

bill is all the villains

billains

so stan has to leave mabel and dipper in the woods (idk y it wasnt for long the twins are just impatient) so stan disappears and the twins are like “lETS EXPLORE THE WOODS”

they come across some creepy old house w a lot of spiderwebs (can u guess the villain yet?)

an older woman comes out and is like “why are you guys lost in the forest?”

mabel points to the glitter trail “we’re not lost”

dipper looks behind them ‘mabel!!! where’s all the glitter?!”

(ACTUALLY MAYBE ITS YARN???)

so they lose the trail

meanwhile stan is losing his fucking mind

he follows the stray glitter but it’s blown all over

he feels “LOST IN THE WOOOOODDDS!!!”

so the old lady offers for them to stay the night bc its getting late

dipper is SUPER sus but he plays it cool surprisingly

mabel is So In!

long short...stan eventually saves them from darlene’s trap

usually shes just a maneater but look

when u live in the woods u do what u can

so stan hauls them back to their cottage

dipper knew there was weird shit out there but he wants MORE

he starts going through his great-uncle’s journals (*cue the dipper squee*)

he reads about bill and his deal w paz’s parents

he’s like....’maybe we should rescue her?’

ford wont tell him why they cant

so dipper and mabel sneak out

they steal the grunkles’ boat

mabel falls over board???

dipper tries like HELL to save her

but then he sees mermando save her

SO MABEL IS SAVED BY MERMANDO!!!

gideon (who had long-loved mabel from afar) finds out

he visits the merman to trick him

all mabel remembers is his voice

so YES mermando trades his voice for legs just like the movie

sue me okay w his distinct accent it makes sense!!!

so the twins get sidetracked bc mermando shows up out of nowhere

they dock on a small island for a pit stop and thats when ‘kiss the girl’ happens

they dont kiss so they move on

they dock on another stretch of land the next day

AND GIDEON APPEARS

the twins have only heard about him from their grunkles so mabel hears his voice and goes *heart eyes*

mermando is Distressed

dipper is Focused on getting to this sleeping princess

mabel makes fun of him for liking her

SO GIDEON HAS MERMANDOS VOICE!

at one point dipper catches him w/o the amulet that makes him sound like mermando

and he tells mabel and its kinda like “the hand that rocks the mabel” or whatever the ep was called

it takes dipper and mermando being threatened (and gideons voice slipping) for her to catch on and she breaks up w him

dipper wants to throw him overboard

they just leave him on the next inhabited island they find

mermando got his kiss but decides to go back to the ocean anyway

he promises to write

mabel is Sad

SO BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED ADVENTURE!

the twins come across a land near the one paz is on and decide to stop for food and to stretch their legs and other hygiene things

they find out there’s some archery thing going on and mabel is like ’ooooh can we try?!’

turns out its for neighboring kingdoms’ princes to win a princess

mabel and dipper think this is RIDICULOUS so they crash it

mabel steps up to shoot and everyone’s like ‘wHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?’

then dipper steps up beside her. neither of them have shot a bow before

they shoot at the same time. mabel’s like thisclose to the bullseye. dippers too far right

THEN!!! PRINCESS WENDY COMES OUT OF NOWHERE

DIPPER AND MABEL ARE IN AWE OF THIS VALKYRIE. THEYRE BOTH READY FOR HER TO KILL THEM BC THEY THINK ITLL BE AWESOME

but wendy is like ‘ACTUALLY ILL SHOOT FOR MYSELF THANKS’ and splits like three arrows down the middle w her accuracy

she looks at mabel and dipper and is like ‘u dudes look fun! ive never seen u before who are u???’

and they’re like ‘WELL!’ and launch into detail about their adventure w overlapping voices and sound affects and VAST description

anyways. i cant decide how old people are rn okay

so wendy is like “hey dad??? im going on an adventure w these guys!” and her dad is like “unusual but u DID just win ur own hand. so ill allow it”

“YES! can i take soos too?!”

“sure!”

sO THEYRE OFF AGAIN!!! lemme tell u the ship is filling faST!!!

they get to paz’s land. and the first thing they find is a girl in a tower with long purple hair.

everyone is pretty much just making ‘wtf’ faces for like....ten minutes.

finally wendy calls up the tower like “YO! WHATS W ALL THE HAIR?!”

tambry leans out the window w a bored expression and goes “its mine. im tambry. who r u?”

they introduce themselves and are like “u wanna come on our adventure?”

then....ROBBIE APPEARS!

and he knows where the princess is!!!

”oh yeah. her. shes also in a tower. its got a door but its guarded by gnomes.”

then robbie climbs tambrys hair pecks her cheek and ducks in the tower

they decide to head for the tower robbie directed them to. but they have to pass the castle. Northwest Castle

robbie warned them about the northwests. said that the princess was one and before she disappeared she was the snottiest brat hed ever met

so they became friends despite the fact that he plays music for a living (and not very well either)

her parents told her of the spell when she was twelve

so robbie’s like “they are not nice people and neither was she??? most of the townsfolk are glad shes asleep tbh”

but dammit! dipper came here for an adventure!!! he wasnt going to stop just bc the princess wasnt what he expected!

so they continue on!

mabel is like “maybe she doesnt KNOW how to be nice!”

and soos is just excited to be there!

and wendy is just...u kno...chill

they start to get close to the castle and they feel like they’re being watched

and then soos notices the PEACOCKS!

they assume theyre spies for the king and queen. which is half true?

they can also warn bill if someone is near pacifica

oh damn imagine that

being stuck asleep w a DREAM DEMON in ur head

sorry for the accidental psychological torture paz

WHICH IS THE ONLY TORTURE SHES HAD!

i think to make up for risking her life as a baby ther parents were like “we’re just gonna spoil u rotten and PRETEND u do no wrong eVERYTHING IS FINE”

so dipper is reading the journal and he FINALLY gets to the true loves kiss part of the deal

and he looks around at the party like “oh shit true love what do we do???”

mabel suggests he at least try and everyone agrees that yeah okay thats the back up plan

but dipper wants to use a SPELL!!!

so the king and queen see him w the journal and remember ford having the same one

so everyone is brought to the king and queen

theyre like “pRINCESS GWENDOLYN?!”

bc this is MY STORY and if i wanna give wendy a more princess-y name thEN I WILL

i say as i continue to refer to mason as DIPPER!!!

SO THEYRE MEETING THE NORTHWESTS!!!

wendys like “yes that is me the princess” and then everyone else introduces themselves...w dipper introducing himself as mason bc it just sounds more fairytale-y

soos is jesus (hey zeus! not jee sus)

soos is like....wendys bff/personal servant but mostly bff

so they explain their adventure to the northwests as quickly as possible

preston is no patient man and he’s is like “tbh its probably important she be here for her 18th bday soooo??? as long as she wakes up by next year why not???”

but only bc dipper was like “i wANNA USE MAGIC I DONT WANNA KISS HER THATS PLAN B!!!”

plus u kno...even if he DOES whats the guarantee itll work???

the guarantee is me being a filthy shipper tHATS WHAT!!!

so they continue to the tower!

there is probably a sidequest thingy with giffany bc i liked that episode

also soos needs more screentime im sorry

SO THEN!!! FINALLY!!!! THEY MAKE IT TO THE TOWER!!!

WHICH IS!!!

IN FACT!!!

GUARDED

GNOMES!]

also theres a manotaur/multi-bear sidequest i just thought of bc i like THAT episode!!!

is this gf, a fairytale, sk.yrim, or a d.n.d campaign now??? WHO KNOWS!!! ITS NOT ME!!!

SO THEY GOTTA GET PAST THE GNOMES!

first they offer safe passage in exchange for mabel as their queen

after thats declined theyre like “or the redhead. well take her!”

this is also declined

finally jeff tells them to attack

at first the party tries to fight them off and they do okay

uNTIL SOME GNOME WEAPONIZED SCHMEBULOCKS RAINBOW PUKE!!! (i think it’s toxic tbh but i dONT REMEMBER)

finally mabel just pulls out her trusty crosSbow (aka “GRAPPLING HOOK!”) and they just make a tightrope to the window above the door

wendy goes first and NAILS it

then everyone else follows

soos almost falls and gets left to the gnomes but everyone helps him balance and they all make it through the window

coincidentally. the window leads to the princess’s room

OH MAN WHY DIDNT I USE THE PTERODACTYL?!

oh well. anyways.

everyone is looking around the room and like...taking it all in

dipper takes a moment...then walks over to the princess

he isnt sure if waking her will also wake the demon

crossover even more w my old paciphera au??? idk probably not

so dipper tries the spells he narrowed it down to

none of them work

all his friends have returned to the princess’s room and mabel is like “u gotta kiss her brobro!”

so dipper...poor poor dipper...just leans forward and kisses her

paz pretty much snaps her eyes open when dipper is a half inch from her face while he’s pulling back

and even tho she was forewarned she wasnt expecting DIPPER so she SCREAMS

dippers ears are ringing

she shuts her eyes and stills her breathing and sits up.

AND SEES EVERYONE ELSE AND SCREAMS AGAIN

“i dIDNT EXPECT U TO BRING *FRIENDS*!”

so once shes a little more calm they explain the whole adventure to her

paz feels a little honored they came all this way just for her

also since True Love beats everything bill is like.....back in his home dimension. also paz has been fighting him for like....over a year.

so paz is like....ready to Go. u kno. just wants to go HOME.

they get pazs shit together and exit the tower through the door

she says goodbye to the gnomes. all by name.

“oh yeah mom and dad made them my personal guard when i was like...eight. theyve been prepping for this my whole life. they’ll meet me back at the castle.” so then she starts telling them about herself and her last like

two years of being asleep w a DREAM DEMON

“sometimes i got the weirdest nightmares??? and they never ended. but when i woke up i couldnt remember anything specific.”

she and dipper talk away from the group. he tells her about how hes her true love and everything “okay well. we’ll have to lie to my parents and say it was a spell. bc they will NOT approve of us being true loves and if they hurt you...”

“then they hurt *you* too!” dipper finishes (idk maybe a combo w a soulmate au thing?)

meanwhile mabel is like...whining about boy problems??? and wendy is like “this is y boys r dumb.”

soos is like...wandering off. I WANNA INCORPORATE MELODY BUT WHO SHOULD SHE BE?!

paz and dipper start like....arguing about how to deal w her parents

apparently they actually ARENT that nice. if she doesnt marry a prince they’ll give her over to bill completely...or something idk

SO theyre nearing the castle!!!

theyve written theyre grunkles okay no worries. also mermando.

thats y mabels complaing about boys.

mermando and that manatee wife of his!!!

paz is not exactly ready to face her parents so she convinces the party (roll for charisma) to go the long way

which is actually just circles

anyways

we run back in to melody and soos and the party is like ‘wHOOPS WE DIDNT EVEN NOTICE GLAD U DIDNT GET EATEN BY A SPIDER LADY!

maybe melody is like....a fairy???

something light and ‘childish’ bc thatd fit her personality

soos is like “ive BEEN here. u dudes have been going in circles.” and everyone glares at paz.

“im sorry!!! i just dont want to go back!!!”

“ur dad made us promise to have u back for ur 18th bday.” says dipper while he tries to stay mad at his future wife

paz is like “YEAH SO HE CAN MARRY ME OFF TO A PRINCE!!!”

idk why paz and dips are being better at being soulmates here okay i was like....sleep-drunk when i first wrote this

so the party has a choice to make.

take paz back home where she wont be able to be w her TL (which in some cases has probably led to death) OR!!!

sneak her out and take her home w them?!

wendys probably gotta go back to her own kingdom tho.

and soos wants to stay w melody

U KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED?!

sTAN NEVER GOT TO BE SOOS’S DAD!!!!

SORRY SOOS!!!

so anyways

mabel and dipper decide to help her sneak out

luckily she knows all the blindspots

it takes longer but they finally make it back to their ship

they say theyre goodbyes to soos and melody and paz wishes them well in her kingdom. she promises to return when shes ready to rule

they load the ship and sail to wendys kingdom next

they stay a few days to recuperate

paz has trouble sleeping bc when she does the nightmares come back.

cue a kat.niss/pee.ta thing where paz sleeps next to dips bc it keeps the nightmares away

wendy has to explain why soos isnt w them to her dad who kinda shrugs it off?

“u proved u can protect urself.” or something.

after like.....a whole fucking year the twins are heading home.

paz and dipper sleep together on the ship too bc its just fucking easier

paz is nervous to meet the grunks

she and dipper arent exactly....dating??? its def more like soulmate au

where theyre AWARE theyre supposed to be together but they dont even rly know if they WANT to be together.

paz is p much “i dont rly wanna be w anyone else. ill let u kno if that changes.” and dips is like “tbh same.”

mabel is already planning a big royal wedding.

iDK Y BUT I WANT THEM TO FIND OUT THEYVE BEEN ROYALTY ALL THIS TIME??? probably just bc i LOVE that trope!!! but theyre not so its whateves.

so they FINALLY get home. mabel has been writing letters this whole time. to mermanso. to soos and melody. to wendy.

shes the captain of the dip.ifica ship and shes gotta keep her crewmembers in the know!!!

the twins also wrote to the grunks the whole time so!!!! no worries!!!

paz tries writing to her parents...but she can never find the right words.

meeting the grunks isnt as bad as she thought???

stan loves her off the bat. partially bc shes rich and bc she doesnt take shit

ford is pleased to meet the girl he saved and shes v v thankful to him for saving her life as best he could.

it takes her like a YEAR to write the letter.

she promises her parents she’ll return. AFTER shes married.

at this point she and dipper ARE together. they figured all theyre confusion out and are just living the good life!

mabel and wendy are doing the long distance thing. shes still friends w mermando.

robbie and tambry found paz and they write back and forth.

u CAN TAKE ROBBIE AND PAZ SIBLINGS FROM MY DECOMPOSING HANDS!!!

everything is as happily ever after as it can get.

and then dipper proposes despite knowing what it means.

BUT THATS A WHOLE OTHER ADVENTURE!!!!

*end credits roll. an epic theme song starts playing*

#💎 OUT OF DIAMONDS. ╱ out.#[i did this forever ago anD I FINALLY MOVED IT TO AN ACTUAL POST OF IT'S OWN]#[im planning on writing this tbh but if u got some rp ideas hum <<]

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throwmeaway28 · 6 years ago

Text

personal experiences in being falsely claimed as a pedophile for enjoying maxvid (tl;dr at bottom)

calling people pedophiles takes a serious toll on their mental being

"but they are a pedophile! they ship a child and an adult!!!"

that's fair but hear me out on a true story from my personal life.

my mother (psychologically and verbally abusive) decided one day to poke around my room and read my journals and such. she found a fictional maxvid story which I had written - disregarded literally all of the other things I had written about (depression, self harm, eating disorders, body dysphoria) and focused primarily on the fact that she thought I was a pedophile. luckily I had just moved out of her house, but her actions still had hard consequences on me. she was sending me texts and emails saying she wanted me to go speak to psychologists who specialized with sex offenders, and that she wanted me to take tests to see if I was a threat. she was calling me a pedophile and a molester and a predator and all of these things I clearly am not.

it took a toll on me. I have never once even dreamed of touching a child like that. I would rather be torn slowly apart limb from limb. and now I'm a pedophile? in the eyes of my own mother?

she must be right. I thought.

so I took drastic measures to try and curb these "very real pedophilic thoughts of mine" (I'm using the " to emphasis on sarcasm.)

I cut camp camp and the fandom out of my life (I've been in this fandom literally longer than the shows been on. I remember when the maxvid tag was #mavid or #cc mavid. i screamed when RT released the first trailer of them animated. the #camp camp tag pulled up images of camping. the amount of camp camp fans equalled the attendance of dashcon.) I ripped up hard worked pieces of art and deleted writings I had spend hours of my time on.

I started to feel worse than I did enjoying my shit.

I become visably depressed and lost another 7 pounds to my ED and broke a clean self harming record because I was convinced I was a goddamn child molester. i became void of emotions and the inability to feel. my boyfriend and I had an argument for the first time ever because I psychically couldnt feel love for him anymore.

this all happened within the span of a few months, too.

I got a psychologist again (after my mother had stopped letting me see my last therapist) and told her the situation.

she laughed. she said that what I was writing about was /natural/. and that I'm doing what anyone would WANT me to be doing. WRITING FICTION DOWN INSTEAD OF ACTING IN REAL LIFE.

the next week, she tells me she met with several other doctors and asked for their input on the matter. all of them said what I had been doing was fine. one of them, who specialized in working with children, even said what I was doing was fine.

and so I picked up camp camp again. and I've started reading fiction again (hugs forever holds a dear place in my heart). I picked up drawing maxvid art (forever a passion of mine.) i read through my unfinished maxvid fanfiction (sorry to all my die hard fans... one day I'll release the next chapter.) I started delving into me and my boyfriend's extremely intricate and "problematic" maxvid roleplay again (don't even get me started. the lore and the world we've created is far too extensive for one Tumblr post)

and like clockwork, I started to FEEL again. I haven't self harmed in weeks. and I've gained back a few pounds I've lost. I love my boyfriend more than the world and he loves me!!!

all because im enjoying what I enjoy and living my life!!!! I'm still out of the fandom, just due to the sheer toxicity and I highly advice to take the fandom aspect out and just hand out with a close group of people you can trust. unfortunitely, nothing we say will change anti's/bully's minds.

---

tl;dr - abusive mother found maxvid fiction fics and called me a pedophile. my depression, eating disorder, self harming, and apathetic tendancies came back as I tried to cut camp camp and maxvid out of my life. 5 liscenced psychologists with their doctorates told me what I'm doing was natural and best case scenario (as to writing fiction rather than acting on children in reality.) i started introducing my long term love camp camp back into my life, and instantly started to feel 300% better.

moral - calling people things they're not is not acceptable. these things can get caught in someone's brain and fuck them up forever. people are doing what they enjoy. they're creating artwork and works of fiction, just as song writers write about murder (insane clown posse, right?) even though they're not actually murderers. so. treat people nice. besides, it's better they write fiction than the alternative.

#throwaway account for obvious reasons #maxvid #cc maxvid #discourse #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #tw weight #tw body dysphoria #tw depression

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fairycosmos · 5 years ago

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furthermore, i have been struggling recently. my grandfather passed away, and this is our first christmas without him. he was the person in my family i was closest to. i keep on crying thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow. my parents always fight, i'm forced to face bad people and it is bad. i feel sick. i think this is going to be the worst one yet, as family are coming over from america, ireland and australia, meaning 20+ more people. any advice on how to survive the day? (2/2)

my lovee :( im so sorry to hear that. christmas is so hard when you have an unhealthy dynamic with your family. i can definitely relate to an extent. and i think you have every right to be down and uncomfortable about it. like, from what you've told me, your feelings are completely valid and justified. you don't have to force yourself to be happy or okay just because it's the holidays. all you can do is try to cope with the negative emotions in the healthiest way possible - whatever that looks like for you. it's true that your anxiety is probably working overtime, making you overthink about what's going to happen tomorrow. in reality, the most likely outcome will be somewhere in the middle of the best case and the worst case scenario. getting through this sort of thing usually comes down to laying low, and then just when you think you can't do it anymore, it's over and you won't have to see any of those relatives again for a while. try to ground yourself in that fact when possible. if you want some proactive suggestions, i would say going to the bathroom to breathe frequently throughout the day will help a lot. if anyone asks, just say your stomach hurts. if you can hide away every hour to recharge and practice some self affirmations in silence, then you won't become overwhelmed as easily. do you have any other coping mechanisms you usually employ when you're overstimulated? such as using ear plugs/headphones, using focused deep breathing, comfort items or rituals etc. it may be a good idea to prepare some self soothing tactics in the back of your mind, just so you feel more prepared for the task of socializing. that being said, it's completely ok to stay within your limits. you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to beyond quick formalities. you can keep it as shallow as you like. if there's anyone you trust or like in your family, try to stay close to them for the day and just focus on their presence. maybe even let them know you're struggling and that you need some space/time. you absolutely shouldn't have to be around people who have hurt you in the past, seriously. they're absolutely toxic, but their words and actions will always be a reflection of their own shitty character, their own fault. not yours. no matter what your brain tells you. and the older you get, the more you'll be able to choose who you let into your life and to what extent. it's just a matter of getting to that pointing, acknowledging that you are so much more than you were made to feel like. also, im so so sorry to hear about your grandad. it's honestly beyond words. the first year is always so tough, especially the holidays. when i lost mine two years ago, the emptiness was so prominent and painful, but it meant that he was missed. it's a good time to remember the bond that you had and the love that you shared, and will always share. nobody can tell you how to grieve, there's no rule book. if you need to cry or talk out loud to him or stay distracted, then so be it. whatever you need, it's okay. it's not easy to be in your position and i am so so proud of you for facing it head on. try to get through one hour at a time tomorrow, and let that be good enough. because it is. as long as you're surviving it, you're doing so much better than you realize. sorry this got long, i know words don't really compensate. but just know that im rooting for you so much, i believe in you undoubtedly. i hope 2020 brings you peace, progress and a more stable support system. the things that have happened to you do not indicate what you deserve - what you really deserve is love, support and a healthy environment to grow in. even if that just starts with you, and how you view/treat yourself. if you need a friend or a distraction, don't hesitate to hmu dude. sending you so much love!! merry christmas, take it easy 🌠💘🌠

#anon #💖

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theboobserweight · 6 years ago

Text

Me.

Hi to whomever is reading this. I had a moment of confidence where i felt like i was ready to share my story, share what makes me me. And that’s exactly what i am going to do with this blog post.

This story isn’t a pretty one. And i am not going to use any names, and wont go into much detail. But if you want to know why i am the way i am. What’s made me who i am. Keep reading.

So my real name is Kimberley, yes that’s right. The legal spelling of my name isn’t even with a Y. But there were 2 other Kimberley's at my school so I decided to change it to spelling it with a Y and I’ve been spelling it that way since I was 7.

My childhood was great. I have the world’s greatest parents tbh. I am closer to my dad than anyone, but we’ll get to that.

See my mom doesn't like alternative. She wanted me to be a girly girl, but my dad didn't mind as long as i was happy. My mom didn't. so I grew up alot closer to my dad.

At the age of 13 I started to rebel. My dad had raised me on rock music since i was a child. My first ever concert was Bruce Springsteen haha. I started to go in that rebel direction. When i started secondary school, it was a brand new school and we were the only year there. The top. I was the only alternative person. Which brought on a mercy of bullying. Being called ugly, fat (Which i was bigger), goth and everything else. But i tried to focus as much as I could and let it go.

By time I was 15 I had tired of the bullying. it lead to me having a physical fight with a boy in the cafeteria of the school. Safe to say i didn't get bullied after that lol.

College was better, i started to find myself. My dancing was going amazing. In fact at the age of 17 i competed and WON the under 18 European dance hip hop championships :) (Little fact about me for you there) I was on top of the world. But that didn’t last long.

See at the age of 17 i had met a guy, on Myspace. And i fell in love. He seemed perfect to me, I would do anything for him. I was a mug. Let me tell you and example. See I lived on the edge of Essex near Lakeside shopping centre, and he lived and worked in Romford. I would drive my car to his house to pick him up and drop him off to work. And then do the same when he had finished. I was stuck. He cheated on me several times, manipulating me to believe it was my fault. And i believed him, and forgave him. That’s when the relationship started to turn toxic. I wouldn’t realize it until i was 24 but I was being emotionally abused. But more so, I was being physically. But at the time i thought that was what love was. And even more so, I thought that with love you gave everything to the person you loved. Even if you didnt want to. And i dont like to mention the word so I’ll use the single letter but he R’d me several times. And i thought it was out of love, i thought he loved me. And i let him do it because he led me to believe that if i loved him i would let him do whatever he wanted to do to me.

It took me time, but i eventually cut ties, due to the help of my best friend. I had to do it by text out of fear what would happen if i did it to his face. And i had to get her to push the button to send the message. Still to this day i remember what he text back to the 3 page essay i had sent him. 6 words. “Whatever makes you happy i guess” He would try to get back with me eventually. Again trying to make me believe that it was my fault. But I didn’t let him.

It would be at this point in my life, 2 days before i was due to go away on holiday for my birthday that I would try kill myself for the first time. Luckily my cousin was there to stop me.

I started my 18th birthday depressed. In new york of all places, trying to have fun but i was shook. I came back, surrounding myself with some incredible people. And everytime he would try contact me, my friends would answer the phone. Even down to a good friend of mine pretending to be my bf lol!

I tried to live my life as well as i could after that, trying to find myself. I didnt know what i wanted to do with my life. I didnt know if i could go into another relationship. My confidence was gone. That girl I was before him was no where to be found.

I started working at my local cinema. And these were the best 3 years of my life. Ups and downs, highs and lows but easily the best time of my life.

I was 19 and I met a guy whilst i worked there and we started dating. I tried my hardest to let my guard down with this guy. But it just wasnt working. I couldn’t even let him kiss me and I didn’t know why. And I was kind of lucky that it wasn’t working. You see.. this guy was only dating me cos he had a bet with several other people that worked there that i didnt get on with to see how long it would take him to get me into bed. Safe to say, being friends with the manager works in your favour, cos i got them fired.But once again the confidence i had built up was now back to zero.

I just got on with my life after that. I didn’t think about dating or anything like that. I weren’t living for anything. I was just working and enjoying my life as much as i could.

At 21, I was lucky enough to go on holiday with my BFF and her family to Vegas. That was alot better than my 18th birthday.

At the end of 2011, i met a guy through a mutual friend and we got on really well. We stared dating, and for the first time in a long time I thought i had built my confidence back up. But that guard I had was lingering in the background. I was trying to push him away and he didn’t realize. Until I did. I hadn’t ever considered how much my first relationship would impact my future relationships until this guy. We could kiss, and make out for hours. But if it even tried to go further it would cause me to have an anxiety attack. I couldn’t let him touch me, at all. And it’s then i realized I had a problem. That relationship ended because he chose to cheat on me and get back with his ex.

So record so far. 1 guy abused and R’d me. 1 guy dated me for a bet. and 1 cheated. Not a good track record for a girl aged 21 huh?

And thats why at age 21 I would again attempt to kill myself. This time seeking comfort in a friend after ODing.

I gave up after that. I focused into different things. I decided dating wasn’t an option for me. I had to find myself, i had to find that confidence again.

And that’s when i started wrestling. A good friend taught me that the perfect character in wrestling is the person you dont have the confidence to be in real life. Alas, Kymmie was born. Kymmie oozes confidence, she believes shes untouchable. And that was the girl i wish i could be in real life. Not this depressed, anxiety driven shy girl that everyone just thinks is a bitch cos she wont talk to them.

At the age of 26 i did eventually meet someone that would change my life. A guy that I am able to call a best friend. He changed everything. He made me find me again. My guard dropped the quickest it had ever, and I opened up. And for the first time in a long time, I could say that I was becoming me again. And at 26, 8 years after the guy that destroyed me, and made it so that no man could ever touch me. I finally let it happen.

Fast forward to 2018, and I’m currently 28. My confidence right now is amazing. I still have alot of work to do, but I am learning each day to love myself. I do love myself. I have the greatest friends in the world.

I have taken a hitus from wrestling due to a back injury sustained on a horrible decision i made last year. But i will continue next year.

I have my instagram as a way to help me build confidence in how I look. Alot of people assume that due to my insta that im easy and i’m a slut. I can tell you right now, hand on my heart, that i am 28 and i have slept with 2 people. I dont count my rape as me loosing my virginity at all. It is very hard for me to be sexual with someone and let that wall down. And I am in no way ashamed to admit that I was 26 when i lost my virginity.

My depression and anxiety still exists within me, and it comes out often. I may seem confident, and untouchable. But I’m honestly not always on the inside. If you honestly think I look confident, believe me when i say that 80% of the time that is fake, and I am actually hiding behind a mask. Like most people in life do.

If you see me at shows, or anything. And i havent approached you to say hi, Its not me being stuck up. And it isn’t me being a bitch. Its because i’m too shy and nervous to say hello as much as i want to. And my inner demons, due to my anxiety are messing with me. So please dont hesitate to come say hello.

I am working on being more confident around people, but its a process, and it will take some time.

But that is my story summed up.

If you are still reading by this point, then thank you. I hope this gives you some sort of insight to who i am and why i am the way i am.

The last thing I will say is something i learned the weekend. And that is to make sure you surround yourself with positive people. I have recently cut some of my family out of my life (not my immediate) but this is due to them always been negative on the things i do, and i dont need that.

I choose to surround myself to positive people, those who boost me and those whom i can boost to.

But thank you for taking the time to read this. If you want to reach out and talk to me you are more than welcome to. My inbox is always open.

Have a great day!

Kisses xoxo

#me #my story

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wh0les0mebean · 7 years ago

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I left a toxic relationship and this is my story

So i did one of the hardest things that ive ever done in my life and left a toxic relationship. It was really bad and im still scared. I spent 3 years with this person. 3 years of my life thinking i was in love. 3 years pushing people away for him. 3 years in hell. I thought it was love honestly. I mean when your 17 years old the idea of love is fascinating and you just want to find your forever partner to spend the rest of your life with. I thought i found mine and boy was i wrong. Things were fine at first. And then i started getting depressed and i couldnt take it anymore so we broke it off for 2 months. Its a heavy burden being in a relationship with someone when they constantly tell you that if i broke up with them that they would kill themselves. I didnt know if i loved them or if i was scared to break things off because he would kill himself. We got back together. My first mistake. After we got back together the fights got worse. I lost a lot of friends. First it started with my male friends and then it was my female friends. One friend voiced her concern about our relationship amd he didnt like that. Me wanting to be loved i stopped talking to her so i could be happy. At that point i had no friends. This was mid relationship. Things got worse. I became scared. Scared of him honestly. I was scared to spend the night because i would wake up to him touching me when i didnt want to be touched. I would wake up with my clothes partially off. I told him i didnt like that and i wanted it to stop but it didnt. He took photos of me without my knowledge and hid them in a secret folder on his phone. I found them and deleted them. He got mad and yelled at me. Id make male friends and he would constantly accuse me of cheating on him and slut shame me saying i was sleeping with them behind his back. I wasnt. He didnt believe me. I had to block any guy who calle me cute. I had to be under supervision of him or one of his friends at all times because he couldnt trust me. Even if i went to the doctors he went. Next he got controlling of how i dressed or what i cosplayed. I needed his permission to dress a certain way. If not he threatened to break up with me. I became scared to touch him too. I accidentally moved him when he was playing a videogame and he yelled at me for what seemed like forever. I moved him when he was dead. He was on cool down. Ever since i apologize whenever i touched him so i dont get yelled at. I became scared to be in a car with him. Hes threatened to crash the car before and when i get sad and dont want to talk he would swerve the car just to get me to talk. I was living in constant fear. But i thought i loved him. I stopped crying while i was dating him. I used to be such a crybaby and would cry over anything and everything. I dont anymore

I realized nobody cared when i cried so whats the point. Soon i just stopped feeling completely. I was numb. A walking corpse. A being that was sculpted and molded into his liking because how i was before. Who i was before wasnt good enough. One day i panicked. I couldnt feel anything so i burned myself so i could feel something. I was too scared to cut myself and i was too scared to die. I just burned myself enough to where i would feel something. Then it stoped working and i panicked again. I poured boiling water on myself. I watched my skin go from an almost white color, to red, then to purple and then i felt it. I felt so much pain and i screamed. I went to the hospital and got treated for 1st and 2nd degree burns. That was the last time i burned myself. Things kept getting worse after that and i stopped feeling. I was convinced this was my happiness. At one point i even started to ignore all the bad things and only focused on the good. I was convinced that it was love. Looking back i realized how stupid i was. Or still am. Then one day i couldnt take it anymore. It was bad. I was bad. I dropped 30lbs in two months. I needed out. So i broke it off. It was hard. That relationship was all ive ever known. I wanted to keep him in my life at first because i was scared to let him go. But he didnt want that. He wanted me out and never wanted to see me again. I was hurt. Then i fully realized that it wasnt love. So i left. And i was scared. Scared of him and scared of his friends. His friends are bad people. Terrifying actually. So i lived in fear. Im still living in fear. Then he messaged me one day. My heart dropped and i was pale. I looked like i had seen a ghost. He wanted to be my friend. I told him no and it HURT. It was hard. Its still hard. But i dont wanna be his friend because he scared me. Im also scared i may go back to him because hes all ive ever known. I dont want to do that so i cant be his friend. Im scared to go places on certain days because i know he may be there and i dont want to see him. Im scared to block him because if i do im not sure what his friends may do. Im afraid to take roads that are near his house and if i see a car thats the same shade of blue as his i panic. Im scared to go to work because i fear running into him. Im scared to go any place he may be because i dont want to remember. I search parking lots at resturants for his car or his friends car. I check their social media so i dont risk seeing them. I plan everything ahead of time so i dont risk running into him because im so scared. Everytime i look at him all i see is a monster. My monster. And its going to live with me forever. Now im skeptical about peoples kindness. I dont know if they are going to hurt me like he did. Im scared to touch people because i dont want to be yelled at. Im l iving in fear every day as a broken person because of. But also because of me. Because i kept convincing myself that that was love. Its not. And i want to know what real love is but im scared. Im terrified and i know this will affect future relationships with people and im scared that if i open up to them about it all they will see is a broken person. Not me. Whoever that is.. im 21 now and it haunts me

#toxic #toxic relationship #relationship #bad relationship #my story #me too movement #me too #violence #dear diary #diary

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i-am-adlocked · 7 years ago

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Got tagged by two people and since the questions are custom-made (lol) I guess, I’ll answer twenty-two instead of eleven LMAO. Love you both guys!

The rules are:

• Post the rules

• Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

• Write eleven questions of your own

• Tag eleven people

QUESTIONS FROM @equusgirl

1. If you could have lunch with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?

This is a tough one. I have many different aspects of myself—several masks. My joker-self would want to be with my friends because I never fail to make them laugh their pants off. My lonely-self would want my future spouse, whoever that person is, right now. My artist-self would want Vincent Van Gogh so I could do the Doctor Who thing where I would reassure him that he is amazing.

My desperate-self would want Bob Ross because I bet he’d inspire me the hell out. My sad-self would want to have lunch with my dead happy-self because I bet I’d slap the hell out of my face. My family-oriented-self would want my maternal grandfather I never got to meet because he doesn’t know me and it’s nice to have a family who would probably say that they’re proud of me. Estranged relatives are like that, I think lmao

OH and I would also want any psychologist, so I’d have free sessions to deal with my ADHD because I can never afford to have more sessions, and I’d finally get a prescription cos I need dem meds.

2. You’re stuck on an elevator with whoever is on your lock/home screen. Who is it?

If we’re talking about my phone, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with the Eiffel Tower (lock screen) and Mona Lisa (home screen). If we’re talking about my computer, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with Sherlock (lock screen) and Leo Valdez (home screen). Ho-ho-ho I will be in an elevator with self-loathing mask-wearing joking-but-dead-inside heroes. That will be fun.

3. Last TV show/movie you watched?

I rewatched the last episode of The Crown again after I binged-watched Riverdale and re-re-re-binged-watched The Good Place. Movie-wise, it was the Filipino film called “Ang Larawan”. It’s actually hard for me to watch films because it takes a lot of time for me to stay focused in one episode.

4. A cottage on the beach or a cabin in the mountains?

Cabin in the mountains. I hiss angrily at beaches because I tan so easily and I kid you not, I haven’t swum in a beach since 2009. In a country where lighter paler skin was more cherished, and being an insecure bullied 10-year-old. You’ll understand why. Nowadays, I guess the habit just stuck. ALSO CABIN IN THE MOUNTAINS HOW FREAKING COOL WOULD THAT BE... I’d be surrounded by trees, it would be cold there, I can sit by the fireplace, look out my window to view the beautiful forest and night sky, and just drink whiskey, read a book, and quietly whisper, “Bless.”

5. Last song you listened to?

If we’re not including Brooke Simpson’s performances (specifically, “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World”) in The Voice which I legit just binge-watched before opening Tumblr, it would be the Riverdale Cast’s cover of “Mad World.” I was shookt that I liked it.

6. Most recent obsession?

Video-editing. More-so than usual. I legit have anxieties when I’m not making a video. I should probably stop after finishing these videos I’m doing because I know it will hinder my studies (which I’m already failing at because of my worsening ADHD), and it’s already ruining my sleeping patterns and eating habits. It’s a toxic kind of obsession.

7. Last thing you googled?

“people find out harry potter is abused fic rec” shut up (if interested, click here)

8. Which city would you most like to visit?

(for the first time?) Athens. (again?) either Assisi or Rome or Paris. You can’t make me choose.

9. If you could bring one (1) fictional character to life, who would it be?

I’m having a hard time between Mary Watson (Sherlock) and River Song (Doctor Who) *sobs*

10. Favorite thing about yourself?

My... God, I don’t know, really. I don’t really like myself so how can I find a favorite thing about myself? My ability to brag for things I’m not even good at, I guess? False advertising of myself, I guess? HAHAHAHHA WAIT NO! My ability to make anything sad or depressing. Yes, I’m good at that. It’s not my favourite thing about me but out of all, that’s the only thing I think I’m really good at.

11. Ideal career?

Becoming a wife and mother. Some people give me odd looks for this but I really want to take care of people in ways I never experienced. I want to be there for some people—to feel needed and depended on—to be trusted, long-term.

Younger-me would be furious. She was aro-ace. As a person who grew up only relying on books as company, I thought I would grow up as the typical strong independent woman who is a CEO or is an actress, or a musical theatre performer... I used to want to be that...

But those dreams were based on what my family wanted. CEO because I grew up poor and being a CEO would make me financially stable which my parents wanted. Actress/Theatre Performer because my sister and I bonded through musical theatre, TV shows, and films, and we both love the arts (but I have to admit that she’s better than me with everything srsly im not kidding)...

But as just for myself? I really don’t see myself working for money, or working for the arts. I mean, obviously I want to work for money and for the arts, but... I want to work for people I care about—for a family I will finally not be scared enough to say “I love you” without fearing they would laugh in my face.

—oOo—

OKAY, NOW QUESTIONS FROM @musical-chick-13

1. If you could wake up and be magically good at something you’ve never done before (or have little experience doing), what would you want it to be?

The ability to quickly understand things I’m not interested in and explain them to people easily with how I understood them. I think that would help me a lot in my Law class now at uni. Seriously, I’m having troubles reading, and I always stutter in class because I’m not good at formal English.

My stupid brain needs time to process what I learned (which was written in English), explain it to myself (in Filipino), translate my explanation from Filipino to English, and focus enough to say those things out loud.

2. What is/are your favorite genre(s) of music?

I have an odd range: musical theatre, rock, indie, classical music, PIANO IS LIFE, ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT IS GOOD PIANO AT THE BEGINNING (usually starts with an A, idk why). Also, Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Hands down.

3. What was your first fandom?

Avatar: The Last Airbender. THE SERIES OKAY. A year after that was Harry Potter and Sherlock AT THE SAME TIME 2010 was a crazy year. Just like that, since I was eleven years old, I went down the road to fandom hell.

4. What is a play/musical/opera/etc. (basically any fictional work that’s not a book, movie, comic, or TV show) you like?

BOY YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN UGHGHGH ILL JUST PUT MY TOP SIX

Spring Awakening, Next to Normal, In the Heights. (I listen to the full album completely. The music is divine and the stories are beautiful. You got a story about sex, a story about mental illness, and a story about Hispanics). Spring Awakening’s and Next to Normal’s rock + violin music in a setting of 1800′s Germany and a typical family house, gets me on, ya know?

Sweeney Todd, Wicked, and Rent. (The typical classics I love, note that whenever Sweeney Todd’s Prologue and Wicked’s As Long as You’re Mine starts, I get orgasms just as much when the peak of Rent’s Goodbye Love goes). Great songs, seriously.

5. If you could get paid for doing a mundane task, what would you choose to get paid for?

Organising files.

6. What is a joke you really like?

My death.

7. If you had to have a job working under a fictional character, which character would you choose to be your boss and why?

Sherlock. He would know how to take care of me. He would know how to make me feel better. He has great work ethics, and he knows when to be harsh with his words and gentle, because he knows which people are deserving to be called idiots and those who are just insecure. Though I’ll probably annoy him because of how nervous I’d be but since “Faith Smith” I’d think he’d know how to deal with me, I guess.

8. What article of clothing is your favorite to wear (i.e., dresses, skirts, pants, suits, hats, jewelry, etc.)?

A gold necklace my grandmother gave to me because out of all my cousins (or our generation in our lineage), I’m the first one she gave an “inheritance” to because I happen to be her roommate. Considering that I am the dumbest in the family as well as the family freak, I consider this as my sole victory.

9. Do you consider yourself to be an optimist, a pessimist, or something else entirely?

A total pessimist. An optimist to those who are feeling pessimistic. In my head, there is nothing but hopelessness, despair, and utter misery and pain. But homie, you say shit like that to me? You tell me you are feeling those? Yo, imma throw my rainbows and sunshine up your ass, you are gonna vomit glitter and light, I swear to all deities out there.

I may claim to say that I’m like this because I’m the only one who should be pessimistic, like I’m some narcissistic the-world-revolves-around-me idiot because I don’t like being depicted as anything else but manipulative, cruel, and an arsehole. So please stop telling me I’m nice or that I’m a good person. It makes me feel weird. They’re like unnatural things to say to me.

10. Feelings on cats?

Tolerable. My sister loves them. My school has cats just chilling around. They love me idk why. I love dogs more so I’m surprised they let me in their pack.

11. Favorite soda (or beverage in general if you don’t like soda)?

ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW OF MY WILD ADDICTION TO COCA-COLA.

—oOo—

MY QUESTIONS:

1. Are you feeling okay right now?

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever first-hand witnessed/experienced in real life?

3. Who is/are the most important person/people in your life and why?

4. What is a memory that wouldn’t fail to make you smile like an idiot while you’re in public?

5. How did you come to your current obsession?

6. Why do you ship your OTP (either real-life or fiction)?

7. Let’s pretend speed and distance (lol basically velocity), and quality are the same, would you rather be in a plane or a ship in a storm where there are many lightnings and thunder involved in December?

8. What is the object that is most sentimental to you?

9. If you could be in any fictional world, which one would you explore, and will you or will you not interact with your favourite character? Why or why not?

10. What animal do you most relate to or you consider to be your spirit animal? Why or why not?

11. How do you define the word, “Happiness”?

Tags: @thank-you-for-being-with-me @sentimentalgenius @addignisherlock @randombiochemist @simpleanddestructivechemistry @its-sentimental-adlock @themissadventurer @sorrowsflower @throughtheparadox @theleftpill No pressure, guys! Also to anyone who wants to answer, too! I even tag those who tagged me.

#personal #tag thingies #i love dem tag thingies

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thisisnotbryon-blog · 8 years ago

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Feb. 23 - Currently

I feel very isolated more than any previous time. In the sense that I dont feel that im really here anymore. Im more or so always somewhere else drifting within a fog when im around my friends or family. I have a habit of tuning out everything and not really focusing on anything or anybody. Nowadays I feel that im stuck in my own world that I cant escape from. I've been feeling like ending my life for the past month and a half now. I've also fallen out of the interest of falling in love with anybody. I hate when someone tells me they love me. I absolutely despise it. I also think I might be bisexual which kind of comes to no surprise. I hate the fact that I fall for anybody now. None of that shit really works out in the end for me. The last woman I dealt with unfairly used me to get back at her ex pouring her manipulative "I love you" phrases in to mind; and when he came back around, she dropped me instantly saying that I was a "nothing" so it is what it is, and then she called me once to tell me how their life is together and what they've done so far. I've been indulging in parties recently but those haven't been much help either. If anything, they make me feel more detached from everyone even though I've made new close friends and they're awesome and im getting very attached emotionally to one of them and im not okay with that because I know she would not want someone like me. I honestly feel no one would want to deal with a person like me relationship wise for I feel id be too much of a hassle and id only be toxic to them in a sense.I hate feeling so alone all the time, not in the lane of wanting a significant other but in a way that im in a space full of those who care for me but there's a barrier they can't break past that I keep reinforcing disregarding whatever they say to try and help me because they all sound the same like they're reading off of a script. Their words are weightless. I dont know what can lift me out of this void im still encapsulated in. Ive told everyone close to me that im doing better but the truth is im not. Im still not content and I truly do hate myself, and I hate the fact that I allow myself to get attached to so many positive people when I know for a fact I bring their energy down. I dont really feel happiness or joy anywhere I go and I feel as though people generally dont fuck with my energy. They only gravitate to the ones around me and I dont blame them honestly. My friends are more outgoing and more beautiful than me and I know this for a fact which is why I take their pictures more than mine. They're all low-key my models for everything which is cool I guess. Anyway, I dont see myself getting out of this slump anytime soon and it fucking sucks because i desperately want to find a way out. I want to wake up and actually enjoy waking up for once. I want to see the light in everything but I dont. I dont talk to too many about this because they always tell me im seeking attention but im not im just venting which is why i hate talking to everyone so much because when they ask me how I feel I hate having to repeat myself. Everyday I feel as though im driving myself crazy and I cant seem to grasp why. Im just lost and I dont care for myself or who I am anymore. Im just here awaiting my end it seems.

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t-shrt · 4 years ago

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100 q tag

no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun tag by @dubblebubble

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho

6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child

13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud

20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol

22: are you a morning person? n o

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?

28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol

33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously

39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh

59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?

68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally

69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol

73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they’re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.

75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.

82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself

89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself

#tag #tag meme #tags

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

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so i went to this therapy session. it consiisted of this woman asking me what i thought my issues were and going through a list of “important life factors” before she readily prescribed CBT. and like.. ive learned to play the game with these people; if you influence them by giving too much or focusing on the wrong thing, they can suggest stupid things. so i gave her very concise and bare bones answers.

unlike my family doctor, she had little focus on the traumas. she said the traumas must have created behaviors that needed to be examined. i mean, yeah. science? and like, i’ve learned to handle my anxiety atleast 30 - 40% better than say, last year. by using things similar to CBT techniques, like examining all possible outcomes and taking time to examine my anxieties rather than react on them. this has allowed me certain control over a lot of previusly panic inducing situations. but now im plateaued because the anxiety is not so much an issue -- i don’t care. i used to care alot more before. like i wanted to be seen as a good person and i went out of my way to be a good person and put myself and needs aside for it. but now i dont care? i find i have even less anxiety going out and meeting new people because i dont care? the apathy is overwhelming.

CBT doesnt fix apathy. and i dnt know if anything fixes apathy.

heres what i do KNOW from this year of self improvement: the only thing that has made me feel remotely better and that has made sound logical sense since it came to be acknowledged is really standard old school talk therapy. in no fucking way can cure anxiety about being alone or having no family by “positive affirmations”. you can try and see some positives in but if you try to fool yourself so far that youre “totally okay” with no one, there will always be one day that comes when you regret “totally okay”.

but absolutely no one cares about examining the known. no one cares why or how the family dynamic works except people literally studying it. all anyone knows is that by default, you’re handed a group of people who share similar dna to you and whatever happens after that is up to fate and chance. more often than not people have SOME kind of family. even those who say they dont “really” have family have some cousin or distance aunt or someone they manage to stay in close contact with.

heres what i also know: he is “right” about one thing - the people we know, including himself, were shaped and influenced by a community; there’s half a million strong here but yet if you’re in our age group and you’re white you can probably play six degrees of seperation. and a lot of people turned to drugs, a lot of people came from bad homes, a lot of people have untreated mental illnesses -- and these are the people i am turning to for support. because i have no real choice right now. it’s literally trying to survive and you cannot pick and choose in survival. you take whatever you can get wherever you can get it. and thats not even to say these are bad people. clearly if they offer any support at all they are good people in their hearts. no matter what issue they have, they’re decent people.

but in no fucking way what so ever are they equipped to support another person emotionally or even leave their own foundations of support because i mean, who does that? logically?

i went through all of this stuff. and like i’m nt trying to have a pissing contest of whos life was worse? my own parents lives were worse than mine. a close friend of mine - definitely way worse than mine. this could totally be worse but what difference does that make? you cut off a finger and you’re like “well didnt lose the hand” but youre still living with no finger. you still have to cope and deal with n finger every second of the day despite how much worse it “could” be.

to me my power and release and way i feel good is not through meditation or yoga or taking a walk - it’s being heard. i want to be heard. i lived in silence an was sheltered for a long time and i didnt get to speak on a lot of things that legitimately shaped the way i lived my life. and like i’m not asking for these things to be analyzed. theyre not here for like a game of psychology. this is my life. this is what i lived and i want to speak about it. i want to be able to speak for ten minutes straight on what happened to me and how i feel. and secondly i want to be understood. like im not speaking a different language. there is no hidden meaning i am just telling a story i want to have understood by the listener. when you read a book, you dont stop thrugh a paragraph and be like “oh i remember the time my mom did this and this” and go off into a new tangent for yourself. you give it focus and attention to understand the nuances of this person’s perspective.

and my doctor gave me the freedom to speak to him at anytime. i can literally go and be like i am upset and here is why and he will just listen to me. because my problem is not about me. my problem is the things that happened to me. CBT literally tells you that statements like “i am a victim to outside circumstances” is “harmful”. but i am? like i’m not saying this t promote an internal victimization but that outside circumstances happened to which i had little to no control over anything BUT my own reaction.

and the thing is - no one at all will ever fix what happened. very bad things happened. this is without a doubt now, bad things happened. almost all of the time. and people cannot even fathom such trauma without bringing up sexual abuse or physical abuse because it more often manifests those ways but this was a unique circumstance of very different factors - none of which are special in the world but just a timeline that by using all of these factors created a very jarring and traumatic time.

so you cannot give me medication. im not sick. im experiencing a natural reaction to long term trauma. like.. the brain is damaged now but who is to say filling it with synthetic chemicals to “fix” or cover the damage is any better? what happens when youre no longer on them?

you cant tell me to meditate on it; sit silently and dont think about it? cruel. how o you think i made it this far? i deserve to talk about these things, outloud, without judgement. i dont even need a group. in fact right now i deserve one single human to give me the respect and time. because literally? sometimes i need like.. one hour in a month. just one hour in 30 days to speak out loud everything that haunted me that month and have it acknowledged in reality without personal opinion inserted.

i explained to him why i didnt like cbt and why i felt like i wanted to be left alone now; like i was tired of being psychoanalyzed, i knew what my problem was, i knew what i wanted in life. he immediately brought up how i should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead and that i just needed to have that. i realize now that hes put alot of weight on a psychologist or w.e. solving my issues and “giving me coping techniques” and by me saying i wanted to be left alone triggered anger, like he assumed i was “giving up”? still, it went into an argument which led to him saying things like i needed to have a job to deserve a family which is very hateful and emotionally abusive thing to say. i walked away when we got to his place and then went to a friends for an hour or so before he picked me up. he commented on the way back, “just for the record, i’m just too real for people.” -- but ive started not to care. i told him he wasnt real, he was mentally ill and projected a lot of things on to people around him when he was a textbook example of toxic thinking. i said he should get therapy, but he wont because it takes work and it might mean he wont be great anymore but i still loved him regardless.

he sat quiet for a bit and when we got back to his place he made a casual remark asking if we had talked about him. i said sure and he asked what was said. i told him the only thing im ever told about him is to not listen to him because hes crazy. he laughed a bit and asked how and why and who. i doubled down and said even my doctor has told me to not listen to him because what he says is harmful and misunderstood. he got very quiet and then seemed to be upset the rest of the night. i couldnt understand entirely why though? did he feel bad about it? did he think i was wrong? did he have shame people held this opinion or was he angry they knew about him at all?

he was still a bit upset this morning but seemed to try and at least fake it? he told me he loved me when i left but it just seemed weird. i feel like he feels bad? like maybe he realized he was causing damage but now couldnt take it back? i certainly dont think he’d tell me he loved me if he was angry.

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