#Im like realizing how fucked up my Internet experience has been over the years it makes me so fucking mad

[superbellsubways]

do you ever get mad over the things youve had to learn or experience in the past.like i know about so much bullshit i wish i never learned about ever I wish i could've had a normal internet experience but no ofc i had to dive into the worst of the worst out of morbid curiosity when i was young . I HATE IT I wish i never had to experience the bullshit drama ive had to experience i wish i never did things i ended up doing I was so stupid UGHH whatever. Hi

[johnslittlespoon]

thinking unholy thoughts of gale making john come untouched with only his fingers in the biker au… maybe john didn’t even know it was possible so when gale keeps going he gets confused and is like “i’m good im ready” but gale keeps going 😅

au post | ohhh man okay. yeah feeling super extremely sane and normal about this, never been better! thanks! ~2k words of nsfw filth below the cut sighhhh

okay, prefaced with a little more world building in my last post since we're really diving into this au now LOL. ofc things might change when i actually write it, but this is how i'm feeling things will go rn!

re: 'maybe john didn't even know it was possible'– like i said in the drabble before this, he's fooled around a little with curt, but nothing more than getting a bit handsy. he's had a girlfriend for around a year, so they were probably serious enough to get up to things too, but straight sex is very different from gay sex obviously.

the internet exists, and during the time john is pining(thirsting) over gale, he probably does his fair share of googling 'blond man with tattoos fucks brunet man', but really he's kinda intimidated by a lot of stuff, so he doesn't delve too deep into that world. when he and gale start seeing each other and john realizes they're gonna move past making out eventually (because gale is almost such a gentleman sometimes that john wants to bash his head in in his impatience), he probably psychs himself out a bit and gets into his own head and is like fuck.

gale's had years to gain experience and what if he's not good enough or does something stupid or or or, on and on. obviously these worries are completely unfounded because gale adores him and would never pressure him and doesn't expect them to just jump right into things; half of the reason he probably drags things out is because he wants to be absolutely certain things are on john's terms, and that john's not just being horny and impulsive.

john probably ends up trying to do some research so he can yk. pick up some tips, because he's got all the enthusiasm he needs when he thinks about getting to drop to his knees for gale, but he has no idea what he's doing and he doesn't realize everyone learns as they go because he's dumb (/fond) and overthinks everything. (whatever he ends up learning doesn't matter anyway, because all coherent thought leaves his head when they do start doing stuff together and gale is so encouraging and easygoing that he feels ridiculous for ever worrying.)

all that is to say that yeah, he's got like no firsthand experience when it comes to anything past the basics or anything he hasn't been doing by himself. everything is fresh and exciting and as much as he loves just hanging around gale, he's also always needy and horny (gets told he's "insatiable" quite a few times by gale) so they get up to a lot of shit and it's unfair how good gale is in bed and how he knows exactly which buttons to press to get john worked up.

at the time this incident happens, gale's already fingered john a few times, but it's always just as a build up/foreplay, usually followed or joined with gale's other hand or lips around john's cock. they haven't had sex yet, and it feels really nice when gale does this, but john always just kinda sees it as foreplay and it doesn't last for long.

so when gale's got john laid in his bed one sunny afternoon and they're making out and john starts getting whiny and squirmy from the stimulation of his fingers in him, and gale doesn't switch things up like he usually does, john's heart leaps because in his mind, surely gale's getting him ready for something else.

but he's frustrated because it feels like gale's purposefully avoiding hitting right where he needs him to, pants out gale's name against his lips, grasping the back of gale's shirt. starts rocking his hips down against his fingers, seeking it out, and gale rumbles out a "needy thing" before pressing a kiss to his cheek and crawling down the length of his body, settling himself between john's legs.

john props himself up on his elbows to watch, cheeks flushed and eyelids heavy, digging his fingers into the blanket instead. he lets out a little whine at the slow drag of gale's fingers, and that finally makes him cave, crooking his fingers just right, and john's lips part at the way the sudden surge of pleasure zings up his spine.

lets his elbows slide out from underneath himself, dropping back down into the pillow, satisfied he's finally getting what he's been waiting for since gale worked him open ten minutes ago. he waits for stimulation on his cock to join the fingers in him as usual, assuming that's why gale moved to lay there, but gale just keeps up the slow in and out and consistent brushes against his prostate and its embarrassing how much he's leaking all over his own stomach.

but then he has the thought that maybe gale's actually properly prepping him and his cock twitches and his breath catches and he props himself up again to find gale already watching him. he waits expectantly, too shy to ask, and gale doesn't offer him any confirmation, just pressing gentle kisses to his thighs and smiling when john's hips start to roll down against his fingers again.

john thinks that maybe gale's waiting for him to say he's ready, since he does often make him ask for what he wants, so even as his cheeks go hot, he gets out a breathy "gale, i'm– that's good, 'm ready."

but gale only chuckles quietly, nipping at his thigh to feel it twitch away, watching john in a way that makes him feel somehow even more exposed than he already is, and now he's even more confused and he feels like he's melting into the bed and gale's putting a little more pressure into each crook of his fingers and the sounds he's making are so whiny and high pitched that he wants to cover his own ears out of embarrassment.

"does it feel good, doll?" gale purrs, dragging john's eyes back to him, and he nods, twisting his hands in the blankets harder. it does feel good, enough so that heat is pooling in his stomach in a way that's both familiar and foreign, the sensation all different with no friction against his dick.

gale's working his hand a little faster and john's face burns at the realization that he's being finger–fucked like a girl and he drops back into the pillows, arms going too weak to hold himself up. his thighs are starting to tremble and gale murmurs that he's "making such a mess on yourself, baby, look at you" and john immediately reaches down to take his dick in his hand, but gale catches his wrist with his free hand, slowing his movements down, much to john's dismay.

"no hands today, john," he says gently, letting go of his wrist. "i want you to keep them at your side for me, can you do that?"

and john lets out a near hysterical noise but he obliges, grabbing fistfuls of the blanket again, head spinning at being given an instruction, biting down on the inside of his cheek when gale speeds his fingers up again with a "good job, baby."

the heat builds and builds as gale's fingers hit right where they need to each time, and it feels like he's just hanging on the edge of an orgasm for so long, unable to tip over that edge, eyes blurring over from how overwhelming the drawn out sweet–hot pleasure is. he's mindlessly rocking his hips down and panting out little "ah ah ah"s with each thrust of gale's fingers and he's so close to lifting his hand from his side when a sob of frustration slips out.

but gale presses his lips to his thigh again, sucking at the sensitive skin there, pulls back to murmur a stream of "c'mon sweet thing, come on my fingers, show me how good you feel, you can do it" and john chokes out a cry as he clenches around his fingers and comes so hard he nearly blacks out, back arching and hips stuttering up like he can get friction that way.

gale's hand chases his jerking movements, continuing to fuck him on his fingers as john paints his own stomach, cock pulsing, feeling like he's just going to keep coming and coming, mewling desperately and shaking like a leaf and seeing stars behind his closed eyelids.

he closes his thighs against gale's sides when it starts to be too much, hands shaking when reaches down to tiredly push at him, hips stuttering away from the stimulation, hiccupping as he tries to catch his breath. he can feel hot tears soaking into the hair at his temples, lips parted in surprise, shuddering when gale lets his movements slow down until his fingers go still.

john whines when he pulls them out, despite his efforts to squirm away from them moments before, and gale presses a kiss to his hip before he crawls back up his body, cupping john's face with the hand not covered in lube, and john's eyes flutter open, bleary when they focus in on the expression of awe on gale's face.

"fuck, john," gale sounds almost as breathless as him. "you're crying, baby. was that okay?" john nods shakily, tilting his chin up for a kiss, and gale leans down without missing a beat, kissing him so deep it feels like he wants to devour him. mumbles "you have no idea what you do to me" against john's lips, brushing his fingers over the tear streaks on either side of his face, peppering his red cheeks with light kisses before pulling back again.

"felt good?" he murmurs, and john chokes out a laugh at the understatement, draping his wrist over his forehead. "really good," he breathes out, flushing when he opens his mouth again, "didn't know that was, um. a thing." and gale half laughs, half groans at the admission, rolling his hips down, and john sucks in a sharp breath at the drag of his pants, cock twitching even after all that.

gale doesn't mind; he's more than happy to watch his pretty boy fall apart on his fingers, mouth, cock, as many times as john lets him.

[beesmygod]

What are some of your favorite pieces of art/ art that has made you think a lot?

this is such a cheesy cop-out answer, but there's a lot of things that im going to struggle remembering because of 1. how situational the experience was (as in, the context in which i experienced the piece) 2. how wide the word "art piece" is. 3. the great fortune to have been born to parents with strong artistic sensibilities and a love of travel/education. so these are like. really weird and specific but maybe thats the way it should be:

let's start with the most overly dramatic: st. paul's cathedral in london has guided tours where they take you into rooms and let you mill around before moving to the next one. my family took a trip overseas as a really, really big special vacation to celebrate my sister and i graduating from high school (we're not twins, we just combo'd it after she graduated) that i was too brain-broken and teenage to fully appreciate. its a beautiful cathedral but i was in my edgy internet atheist stage and refused to be impressed by it until i stood over a grate in the floor. through the grates you can see the crypt that you visit next. but standing over the grate, someone below started to sing something hymnal and very catholic. and i realized i was the only one who could hear it because of the crowd chatter. and it made me feel, in the moment, so special and so lonely in a way that i still think about, a lot. it was for me only. divine providence.

a date with adam to a place i had no idea existed but he had been to before: the bad art museum, which is split over like 3 different buildings in a bizarre way. we only went to the one where you have to buy a ticket to a movie as entry and it was some truly lovely bad art and made me sad how inaccessible it was but resolute about my love of the nuances of uncelebrated anti-art masterpieces. then we watched "assassination nation" and it was fucking terrible. great date.

reading the theory regarding the "venus of willendorf" being a self portrait as a 20-something year old and running into the bathroom to take my clothes off and look down at myself and having my mind blown. not just by how much i instantly understood it, but because of the tugging feeling on my heart when i feel that strand of history connecting women artists driven by that unknown compulsion to create for creations sake!

similarly, seeing artemisia gentileschi's work next to her fathers and realizing how much she outclassed him in every single way and feeling the tugging feeling again, but this time with a dark woe of realization of how history minimizes achievement and talent when it eases a narrative

reading jane erye's descriptions of herself and her approaches to her plights and for the first time feeling like someone had walked a path that i currently found myself lost on.

reading 1984 as a middle schooler and becoming so angry at the ending i threw the book across the room (something i had never done before and never did again in my life) and stormed out of my room to complain to my mom lol. IT REALLY UPSET ME!!!

reading les miserables for the first time and weeping piteously for days after the ending and having it impact my brain so hard it re-wired how i think about the concept of "legacy" and what it means to matter in the world and how love is nothing without the courage to stand up for it. and that mercy should, and will, always supersede unwavering justice (hard lesson to remember, maybe im due for a re-read)

sneaking into my parents room to read the books i wasnt supposed to yet as a really little kid lol. my mom used to get "dykes to watch out for" in a newsletter she was subscribed to! but i didnt read those bc they were dumb relationship comics for grown-ups. i wanted to read about opus the penguin and lee iacocca, as if i knew who that was. my mother's comic collection was the single most influential constant in my life. knowing that i was exposed to bill watterson's commentary about his own work via the big collections my mom owned probably explains a lot about what's wrong with me. but she also had a lot of berke breathed before he fully wussed out

the general experience of playing a video game that you arent supposed to/when you arent supposed to is probably one of the most freeing means of meaningless rebellion as a kid that everyone should experience. i used to be up playing pokemon past my bedtime under my covers with a huge heavy rubber flashlight i stole from the kitchen and had to replace every morning without getting caught once i was done with it. god, the days before backlit screens we had to get really fucking wild with it. in high school i would wake up at 5:00am, sneak into the computer room where the ps2 was and play an hour of FFX bc its the longest fucking non-persona game in the world, stop playing before my mom woke up at 6:00am and sneak back into bed. if i hit a part where i couldnt save i would just turn the screen off and come back to it tomorrow lol. secrets......

reading the "pictures for sad children" arc about paul, who is a ghost, finally losing it and going on a rant about how it has never mattered how thin a computer screen is. they were right and reading it helped me articulate and understand a growing feeling of restless frustration at the world around me that i felt singular and alone in. im glad that last i heard that artist is doing ok. i hope they recognize the incredible value in their work as imperfect as they perceived it to be. i do not think they would be happy to know that their old work was impactful, but i hope they realize that what people are able to tease out of their work is meaningful, at least to me it is. ill transcribe the comic rather than repost it i think: paul [while smashing electronics]: "have i told you about [bam] how nerds destroy the world take conspicuous consumption as a lifestyle choice and combine it with early hardware adoption and you have great swaths of gadgetry out of stock because they're incrementally better than the last model and there are landfills full of functioning electronics wasted time, resources, money, etc. the best part is that these things were never necessary it has never mattered how thing a computer is." [smash]

this is too long. i like art.

[hexitca]

Rant about Puritan fandom culture!

Well I typed it on twitter but then I had more to say so tumblr it is!

Under read more

WARNING: Long as fuck

Here's some pics

I know I basically said the author of Heartstopper "brought it on themselves" but yea they kinda did.

You can disagree with BL/Yaoi you can hate the shipping discourse or shipping in fandom in general but you cant frame it in a "i hate [that] bc it's sinful/fetishistic and I'M ABOVE THAT BC I'M WHOLESOME AND BETTER THAN THOSE DISGUSTING SHIPPERS"

bc that's gonna bite you in the ass...as it is doing now. The fucking image of their character's google history is so tame and normal, esp in LGBTQ+ spaces! Yet they are being called a pedo? Crazy. In the end, you only hurt yourself!

I never bothered with HS bc i just wasnt interested in it but thats just my preference. It's sad to see ppl, esp young ppl, turn on a series of LGBTQ+ representation just bc of the author's past (or current? idk) stance on the BL/Yaoi or MLM or whatever genre just bc their stance wavered a bit in a simple comic image. Something that is so fucking normal also! but they will grow up and realized how limiting it is to restrict themselves just to appear pure within a group.

Yet the artists/writers/creators are traumatized by the witchhunt. I know I said the author brought it on themselves for supporting anti but damn I don't want them being accused of being a pedo! Or ANYTHING! NO ONE DESERVES THAT. I dont know anything about the author other than surface knowledge but at the end of the day, all this online shit, doesnt matter. It doesnt! Me saying that is ironic bc im typing this post up right now!

but it's something we care about! I care about fandom spaces, I care that creators are getting attack for something as mild as this even if they invited these ppl into their circle. We're human and we change our views a million times a fucking day. I could agree with one thing and disagree with it another. That's why anti discourse pisses me the hell off! It's just a bunch of bullies looking to make themselves feel better by shaming others! I don't respect that type of behavior. And I hate that they just run around saying shit like "kys" over a two characters fucking?!? It amazes me beyond words.

Fandom has never been without its discourse. But the puritan bullshit is not even fandom discourse, it's just straight up bullying and harassment. It doesnt take much to tailor your fandom spaces to your preferences, i should know ive been in fandom spaces since I was fucking 13 years old. I didn't explore nsfw/porn/anything until I wanted to when I was 18. That is MY personal experience. I never put that on anyone else BUT MYSELF. If I saw nsfw and didnt want to see it I blocked the person. Not make a fucking witch hunt out of it. You are in charge of keeping YOURSELF in check not some person who shared nsfw art/fanfic. How fucking hard is it to turn the "don't show me nsfw" toggle on??? Bc it's not about that. Y'all just wanna be mad and be above someone so why not ppl minding their own business.

And guess what? There ARE ppl who are bad and support nsfw art/writing. They fucking suck. They are outliers and deserve to be called out when they get exposed. But many times, ppl always go "see i told you all the ppl in THAT fandom were pedos/freaks/etc" hmmm sounds like when conservatives go "see...that queer person turned out to be bad, SO all queer ppl are bad" DO YOU GET IT?? It never works out with that line of thinking. You are harming innocent ppl minding their own business. You are harming yourselves when you grow the fuck up and realize that "OH actually...I am curious about sex" and have ppl who you thought were your friends eat your face. PLS wake the fuck up.

If you're an anti:

I hope you recover from that

go fuck yourself

if you're offended by me saying "go fuck yourself", pls take that as a sign to log off the internet and go touch grass. As someone who has done that many of times, it's very refreshing.

[lukewarmkraftsingle]

hi can you elaborate on divorced au mp100. i saw your video and i just went fucking nuts sitting in bed. in my brain. i need to know is it /j or /srs i need to know. im really obsessed. i think it would be really good

[the post. for context]

8:44 AM

thanks for the question! i woke up the morning of January 1st, this lovely, beautiful morning, with some animal crossing song stuck in my head. i know it's from new leaf because it has the theme for that game in it, but i cannot for the life of me remember what track it was. it can't be any of the new year's ones, i know how the new year's ones sound. i have an excellent memory for music and not much else, you see. the song is in very vivid detail in my mind, but i just cannot put the face to the name. or whatever. i'm listening to the whole ost right now to see which one it is. but after my eyes were open and whatever, i opened my phone to see what time it was, about 8 am, which is fine. i didn't stay up until midnight last night anyway. i fell asleep much earlier, passed out sideways on my bed, until the fireworks they do nearby every year kicked up right at midnight and woke me up. but i did get back to sleep. had weird dreams.

back to this morning, then. after checking my messages and all, i opted to look at my tumblr, because why not, sure, i have been known to do that sometimes. i scroll through any new posts, then i see something in my inbox, i open this message, read it quickly, still only half awake, immediately started cackling. there is no better way to describe the sound i made.

the animal crossing ost is on the hourly music now. i know it's not any of that either. but i like the hourly music. i'll let some of em play out. whatever.

but this message intrigues me. i thought about it while i got out of bed and took a shower. the animal crossing song was still trucking along at this point. i cleared out my shower drain the other day, so it was nice and in full functioning order to start off the year. lovely. but i also washed my shower curtains and completely forgot to put them back, but it was too late by the time i realized that i needed to do that. i was already determined to go through with the shower. maybe this is some kind of metaphor. for the new year i mean. mayhaps i will have the strength to take on whatever sort of stress that the year will throw at me, as the shower drain did, but it will be done with a sort of messy transparency, as the shower curtain-less experience offered. maybe this is the only way we can properly take on our greatest challenges. insert reigen quote. whatever. the floor is dry now, it's fine.

anyway. i think i can offer you the initial discussion that led to me making that video. much like a weed-adjacent post i made a while back, this is a discussion between me and The wife. i will offer brief commentary and context as needed below each image. or as not needed. none of this commentary has been needed. i will keep up the trend.

i take a lot of screenshots when i'm going out and about on the internet. just of little things that i find entertaining. or intriguing. i find it to be a much more reliable method than just liking the post or putting it in twitter bookmarks or whatever. much less likely to get deleted, or buried, or whatever. said reigen folder does not really exist. i do have a collection of snippets of posts like that, but there is no dedicated folder. it's with all the other mob psycho ones. there are currently 150 screenshots in that folder. do with that information what you will. i may be interested in posting those reigen ones, though. i'll think about it.

oh. it's on the rainy versions now. i think i'll just skip over those ones. about the same, just less instruments. same for the snow ones. this playlist is thorough.

this is one of the major issues with the divorced au: is it a mischaracterization of reigen? there are concerns that no woman would ever want to be within twenty feet of him. gf has expressed such sentiments previously, and i am partially inclined to agree. but i cannot say much, as anyone can see my post history on here. and you can see my reigen profile picture in these messages. while my picture was not that exact reigen image in november of 2022, it was still a reigen image. i will provide below for full immersive experience.

i am not taking questions at this time. anyway. back to the important discussion.

this is the one part of the au that i provided myself at that time that is not included in the actual post, and the main catalyst of the divorce, perhaps. i have seen other proposals in the tags, yes, but i am refraining from bringing those up. this is the initial discussion, yes? i'm keeping it disconnected from anything outside of this initial conversation.

all of the creation of the picture in the video was done in paint, with it only being moved to photoshop later so i could better flip the image. this is relevant later. i feel the need to specify, i ultimately did not end up tracing a photo. much too difficult to do in paint, and it wouldn't provide a very good look for what i was going for anyway. i did, however, heavily reference another better stock photo i found. surely said photo is not very difficult to find, which is good, because i do not have it on hand either. sad!

and here is the reason why the drawing was turned into a video. for whatever reason, i was possessed to flip the small drawing of mob (psycho 100), and i discovered that it was, perhaps, the greatest activity i could have possibly chosen to partake in. it was mesmerizing. this message was sent after the video was made, but i feel as though it is much more clear than the message i sent before making the video, which was simply a crazed declaration of it "flip[ping] so good," followed by a complaint about the lack of a flip shortcut in paint. if anyone knows of a "flip selection" shortcut in paint, please let me know. i could not find one, even though i searched very carefully for one.

..

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh

ok

the animal crossing song was not the new year's one. it was the fireworks festival music. from new leaf.

listen to it. it's one of my favorites. i can't believe i forgot when it plays. very sorry! and to all of my one-earbud user friends out there, use both for this one. as you should for all animal crossing music. or turn your sound onto mono i don't know.

anyway. i suppose i should offer a brief summary of where we've gotten: reigen arataka, greatest psychic of the 21st century, had a wife at some point, and he no longer has a wife, due to a divorce, presumed at least a bit messy. questionably canon. it could certainly be inserted into canon fine enough. he is gay.

let's take some questions from the audience, then!

there are a couple of tags along these lines, i believe, but this provides a degree of severity to any sorts of divorce theorizing. it's a bit of a spectrum in my mind. i like the percentages. really meshes well with the rest of the series. 100% divorced. y'know?

not me creating lore for this. i think this one offers an interesting perspective on all of it. i suppose that my depiction does offer a sort of swapping of their usual dynamic. when i first saw these tags, it brought to mind an alternate approach to the usual depictions of the standard "age swap" au, in which i feel, in my heart, pushing 30 mob is at least 16% divorced. the dynamic in the video, when taken at face value i think, would be more descriptive of overly enthusiastic younger reigen and some degree of "divorced in vibes" mob. surely most are familiar with such au shenanigans, and surely you are too, dearest anonymous person, if you have read this far. you seem to have some interest in alternatives to canon. if not, it is certainly not hard to come across. i have no other constructive comments on age swapping. someone else go and do that. i don't know.

but i suppose i should be speaking with slightly more relevance. i do have some purpose in drawing them in this manner. i see the show as a bit more lighthearted, generally. this is absolutely not to downplay the themes it tackles. but the average episode is generally more playful. and with reigen often being the cause of that. uh. m. i feel like i was going somewhere with this. but uhh. such shenanigans in the drawing are for the purpose of exaggerating the uh. the abnormality. yeah. sure. definitely did it with Grand Purpose and not just because i thought the mob looked funny.

and now we come to some constructive criticism! i love receiving constructive criticism.

uh. yes. but this is divorced au. anything is possible. the fabric of reality is tearing apart as we speak.

and now, the question we've all been waiting for: who was he married to? there are certainly some possibilities. as i currently have none, i am turning to my notes again.

i believe this tag presents an interesting possibility. this is not a marriage of romance. i was not actually familiar with the term "lavender wedding," but i am certainly familiar with the concept. two people going into a heterosexual marriage to conceal their true attractions, yes? this does go against my suggestion that the divorce is caused because reigen is gay, but it does resolve the constructive criticism presented above. i find this concept incredibly entertaining the more i think about it, however. imagine being so desperate to try to conform to societal norms that you marry Reigen Arataka. imagine coming to find the concept of having to pretend to be in love with reigen so aggressively unappealing that you are willing to forgo the social acceptance you've gained for yourself and divorce him, which depending on what kinda situation you're in, that's no good either. and after all the work you've had to put in to pull this off. imagine. incredible. does he fight for it? does he go deeper into the act?? do you start getting convinced that he was straight and in love with you the entire time?? actually maybe not that far. whatever. entertaining concept. love that.

and now we get into something a little bit funky. !!!!!!!!!!! and this section is a tad bit spoilery if you haven't read the reigen manga yet this is your first and final warning !!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!! and also go read it it's not that long and. i think you should !!!!!!!

i'm not sure how that timeline would work. they knew each other before the manga? imagine the drama though. a whole new way to read the spinoff. reigen's ex-husband (wife???????) comes across his goofy little psychic business, and reigen immediately starts trying to one-up him with spiritual level bs. and both fake psychics, they're soulmates <3 until they got divorced. whatever.

OK I'M DONE WITH MINOR SPOILERS YOU CAN COME BACK NOW

and finally, i uh

uhh. um. well. i sure hope not.

but i suppose as the arbiter of mp100 divorced au, i should offer my own thoughts on who his ex-wife is. uh. i don't particularly have any. it could be literally anyone. maybe they don't even need to be named. but i suppose if someone really needs to be his ex-wife, it's whoever you think is funniest, dearest anonymous asker person. whoever you feel is his ex-wife in your heart. i am only here to present a handful of possibilities. the truth that you seek lies within you. as long as his ex-wife isn't me. god i hope it's not me.

i guess i could consult gf about this hold on

.

.

.

HHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can't do this

you don't have to listen to them. ok. you don't. it's not true.

.

anyway. just a few things to tie this up nicely at the end.

much appreciation to everyone who put keysmashes in the tags. i am honored. and everyone else too! i like reading my notes. fun times. you're all cool. i tried to keep the tags i put here focused on the task at hand, but every tag has been thoroughly appreciated, do not worry.

i am also honored to present the award for Tag That Made Me Absolutely Lose It When I Read It to this one:

thank you for being significantly funnier than i could ever dream of being.

and finally, to send all of you off, one last thing tossed together and heavily inspired by a couple of the tags, which i am upset that i did not think of myself:

is this all /j? is this /srs? i want to say it's /j, but i've put too much time into this now. very sorry dearest anonymous person. you have sent me into a sort of crisis. i suppose i put too much effort into everything that should remain as 5 minutes max /j Content. well.

hope that answers your question!

4:20 PM

[fawnfulart]

YOU KNOW WHAT WHILE IM BEING ANNOYING AND ABUSING THE TEXT POST FEATURE,,,

I had an experience a few years ago where a close friend of mine said something like "yeah I dont do that anymore ever since you said x about it, I realized it wasnt good for me." And this advice that I gave was something I barely remember saying. It was insignificant, it was in passing, probably at 11pm in her car on a very routine drive home, but somehow it stuck in my friend's brain and contributed to their personal growth and happiness. People I work with swear the funniest jokes I've told are ones I dont remember telling. I keep having this experience over and over again where I realize everything matters, even the things that are so small you haven't kept track of them. I exist to people when when I'm not there in the same way perfect strangers have no idea they exist to me because of something tiny and unimportant that happened between us.

Like five months ago I decided I wanted to post cringe and write shameless smut but I was afraid to do it in the circles I normally run in so I made a new account and I started tinkering around with fanfiction. I started writing A Long Way Off somewhere in that time bc I've always wanted to do a long fic, and my feelings are so big, and in my mind nobody would read it and idk it would probably get no attention and maybe I would get a nice comment on a chapter where the blorbos kiss or something.

I don't know what's in that fic that speaks to people but I've gotten a handful of DMs and messages and comments from unrelated people where they will tell me things about their lives. Things that are like personal and important--about times they've been bullied, about difficult experiences theyve had, about coming out, about times they've been a bad friend or had a bad friend, about times they weren't grown up enough to solve a thing they might be more suited so solve now. All kinds of formative things. All kinds of challenging things.

And like I'm a nobody on the internet?? I'm not wise or notable. I don't know for sure why I'm being trusted with this kind of information about strangers but it means an absurd amount that a thing I'm doing for fun and for hehe make the blorbos kiss is like...in some way meaningful to people.

And basically what I've learned form all this is--

If you want to make something, then make it. If you have something kind to say, then say it.

Full stop. Because you literally have zero idea who you've touched in your life or how. Everything everyone does is so important, even the stupid stuff. People seeing people, meeting people, touching people, that's whats important. And we do it all the time every day without even trying. Literally nobody has any fucking idea when they're doing that.

I dont remember the funniest joke I've ever told and I'm glad I don't. I would have fucked it up if I was too busy aggrandizing it in my mind.

[haootia]

watching mind field episode about fear and thinking about . petscop. if you have seen the episode you may already know what im getting at but for those of you who arent also currently on a vsauce rewatch marathon: they put michael "vsauce" stevens in a chair and classical condition him into being afraid of a picture of a pink square. and that itself is kind of superficially/memey "petscopcore" bc petscop contains not only a lot of geometric shapes and colors but also themes of coercion & experimentation, but it made me think more broadly about how the work as a whole is able to make us the audience have those really strong emotions, including fear, towards very simple icons/symbols. and of course this is why petscop massively outpaces most web horror [interscript note: i never watched valle verde or crow 64 and i have only watched incomplete bits and pieces of ai builds / sheriff domestic / diminish so i cant comment on the "tgif genre" or other directly post-petscop works] because it ties its dread and scariness into things that are Not Scary. there are no jumpscares or hyper realistic blood and the typical "horror" moments (that's a dead kid / i'll shoot her in the head / dog monologue / hurts me when playstation on) are presented really quite casually and non-graphically.

petscop is very Eerie and Dread-inducing but it's not (& not trying to be) actively frightening, which is really good, because it is damn hard to make a non-playable recap of a video game frightening. there are too many layers of removal, it's too cheesy, at least for an adult audience or an audience with any prior experience with horror. when i was a kid sure i got freaked as hell reading ( / listening to yuriofwind narrate) haunted pokemon game creepypastas (even when the narration was full of "lol, this is lame" asides) but once i got older it stopped eliciting such a response. i reread a bunch of them recently and my main commentary (both internally and in discord chat to my fishfriend) was mostly "the grammar in this is distractingly bad" and, more importantly, "the bare bones of this premise might have been interesting somewhere else, but this is not it." godzilla nes has endured slightly better because it has an underlayer of "the game knows something it shouldn't" that provides the real meat of the horror, and the creepy body horror screenshots are interesting but not really frightening. it's still not great, btw, most creepypastas aren't, but i can enjoy it in a silly nostalgic way that at least puts it on a higher shelf than pokemon lost silver or whatever.

in the time between first reading a bunch of creepypasta wiki slop and first watching petscop, i experienced like, actual trauma. this particular incident was very much not an inherent part of growing up , but i think "having something really scary happen to you irl" Is a life transition you can expect to happen sometime between like eight and sixteen. and this event is a pretty dramatic perspective shifter. before it happened i was able to be legitimately thrilled and scared by pokemon creepypasta and afterwards. i wasnt. it was definitely not an immediate switch and between age 10 and 13 especially i struggled with nightmares and extreme anxiety over a lot of really lame spooky internet content which i sought out for blah blah blah reasons. ok this isnt about me, its about petscop, ostensibly. the point im trying to make is that petscop gets Scarier with age. if i had seen petscop when i was eight years old i would have found it first and foremost Way Too Long And Boring and secondly Not Very Scary. there's no blood and no monsters and no ~watch out or it might get you too!!~ so who even gives a fuck, right.

and of course this beautifully represents the themes of the work itself. children do not understand the world the way adults do, they don't understand "reality" and all the secret rules that adults (generally) agree on, and sometimes they don't realize when bad things are happening, or why the things that are happening Are Bad. the protagonist of petscop is literally an adult looking back on their childhood through layers of other people's perspectives, and through (somewhat strange and magical) context is able to see things that weren't there before. if the horror was immediate and upfront, it wouldn't be interesting. if Everything was as in-your-face as "that's a dead kid" petscop would kind of just be a slideshow of childhood traumas, which is definitely Sad and Uncomfortable but not really Scary. so the horrors are disguised by symbols. things the audience doesn't already know about. "rebirthing" (the exact implications of which rely on the audience knowing about external, real-world events), "tool", "machine", "pieces", the needles piano, A / B / NLM "phases", even graves and "coffins" are icons that mean things beyond just "a place where a dead body is". it's a story you have to decipher, it takes actual Effort beyond just looking at a scary image manip. (further commentary on the horror youtuber petscop explanation industrial complex may be provided at a later date; for now i'll just say that anyone who attempts to produce a definitive "externalized" explanation of the story is not only missing the point but actively rejecting it. petscop is literally a story about putting the pieces together yourself.) and through that effort you condition yourself to see certain things as scary.

the amount of symbols in petscop means that there's not one thing i can point to as its "pink square", something that is associated one to one with Fear. and the emotions petscop runs with are a lot more complicated than the adrenaline-based fear response they gave michael vsauce stevens for tv. but god damn if by the end it hasn't constructed a symbolic language that can make me feel a deep and immediate emotional reaction to a red triangle. or eyebrows, or daisies, or like, the platonic Concept of a car? it's good. it's good storytelling. mother horse eyes also kind of pulls this in the last couple chapters to contribute to the final emotional impact but i don't think it's as fundamental a part of the story as it is in petscop. also of course homestuck does this like crazy but it's not (nominally) a horror story and also doesn't benefit from having a definite point-of-view protagonist who is learning to interpret the symbols simultaneously or in parallel with the audience. that's key to good writing in my opinion, btw, that the protagonist should either be on the same footing as or just slightly one step ahead of the audience. if the protagonist is way behind the audience it turns into a frustrating Yelling At The Screen Experience and if they're way ahead it makes everything seem completely arbitrary (see hbomberguy sherlock video for more). people may frame this as the protagonist being an "idiot" or a "genius" but i don't think that's actually the distinction that matters, it's specifically about how much information the character has from out-of-text sources, not really their ability to put it together in a rational or intelligent way. and now we're onto a completely different topic so im going to cut the post off now before i spend the rest of my life talking about the nature of storytelling or whatever, slowly withering away from starvation until i'm just a shriveled husk holding an iphone

[brokenmachinemusings]

tw suicide talk i guess. rare moment where i actually talk about whats going on in my brain. nothing serious this is mostly kept as casual writing.

honestly the only reasons im even alive rn are 1. hoping for a liberation in this world & that everyone is free, wish to possibly live until then (and. hopefully helping w a small change in the world.) 2. mass of the fermenting dregs concert in march (the bigger reason i havent offed myself tbh) (i forgot about this and then got reminded of it and it was just around when i was contemplating how to die. then once i remembered im now in the mindset of I Must Get It Over With This Month At Least.)

erm. when i was younger i had the whole “i have to live until 18!!!!” shtick which was also part of why i didnt kill myself back then. i dont believe in that anymore especially because i am approaching 18 but. food for thought? i guess???? this is the type of joke i would crack and people just stare at me like they saw a ghost. maybe i am a ghost.

this topic is. Really casual to me (in the context of myself) and im not sure if its because. im mentally ill. im a system. simply that i hate this world and dont want to live in it. something else. all of the above. or whatever. eh

part of me wants to drop out already and just rot away but at the same time i know thats just a traumatized part☝️ i know what u are. he has been trying to sabotage us for years and hes actyally cool just that. persecutor shit can rly fuck with ur psyche. also gets us lagging behind on our schoolwork. sighs.

that said there has also been a lot of persecutors fronting lately. or persecutor-adjacent parts? not sure. whatever. not like it matters much. ill shut up now im just trying to digest my thoughts and emotions. been “numb-crying” recently which is a really weird thing to experience. (basically when u start crying because of emotions but its not proper crying more like something leaking out. like a faucet that is damaged. and u dont feel anything either. except the overwhelming vortex of ur mind. and a burning tear on ur face or two. maybe not even realizing ur crying until later on. which might just be emotional amnesia.) ya know

im also wondering if this is Too Much to share with the internet, or well Tumblr Dot Com but. i didnt share anything dangerous per se and nothing that triggers me so i should be fine🤔 just saying if someone responds to this with “kys” ill just laugh in your face and block you or something. lolza. ok bye 4 now

[i-will-be-happy]

I'm rewatching Euphoria and it's so weird how I'm changing as a person

I watched it when it first came out, I watched it when it gained popularity, and I rewatched it over the course of the past three days because my sleep schedule has turned me nocturnal

I used to think I was Kat because of how I perceived myself and the shared experience we had being fat and writing fanfiction for an audience who would never know the real me

but three years later and i'm her for different reasons

i thought i found my power flirting with guys that idealized everything I wanted in life

white and blonde

people who wouldnt bat an eye at me the short brown girl who said the wrong thing at the wrong time and wore glasses and had braces and probably had weird as fuck BO

and i got it in my head that no one would ever love me properly because why would they I'm the opposite of what people around me wanted

they wanted skinny girls who wore makeup and were athletic and danced and were educated and smelled like flowers and looked pretty and didn't look like me

and i couldnt help but want the boys that were masculine and mean to me and treated me like I wasn't even there and played football

everyone ive ever been friends with outshone me in a way I could never compare to because who was I next to them?

no one!

i know im not supposed to think like this but maybe I surrounded myself with ugly people to look better

thats mean

my friends are gorgeous

and friendly

and amicable

i want to be something so badly

i want to make something out of this short life I know is going to end soon

everyone says high school isnt everything but when you have such a limited warranty it matters I want to be popular and pretty and have people like me and I don't want people to think of me weird

sixteen years and ive messed it up already

i cant even say i want to start over

i wouldnt know what to do

i dont know how to do better

i realized why im kat from euphoria when I watched her close that computer screen

my silly short life has built up to monumental failure

random people on the internet have seen my body in places no one in person will ever see

im so pathetic and worthless i dont even tell anybody anything anymore cause ITS SO DUMB

ive ruined my self image now because I think people only want me to get something

like my boobs

which arent even that great

i cant even say im tired

what am i tired of

i did this to myself its all my fault I am the reason its all gone wrong I need to fix myself I will fix myself I will be better I will be better I will be happy

[creativebrainrot]

Open Journal Entry

long one. TLDR: This fucking house sucks and it's never felt like a home to me. I want out but the WAITING,,,,, its suffocating. we'll be out eventually. Im so sick of waiting though. I miss the. eight months, where I felt truly alive for the first time in my entire life. I want a car back. I want to move out. I want to leave all this misery and abuse behind us already. I want a life. I am going insane.

But the horrors wont fucking win because I am NOTHING if not fueled by spite and fury.

I wanna talk about my experience with this house I'm currently stuck in, and have been stuck in for 22 years now.

I do not have a single memory of feeling safe within this house, or a single memory of enjoying this house. I have memories of enjoying the wilderness nearby, the front yard, the back yard, the creek way out back. But not the house.

I felt safe in the bath as a kid. I feel safe dissociating in the shower. I have spent ages avoiding being fully-lucid in this house. Numbing myself by diving into video games, the internet, consuming media like video essays about random shit, political commentary, let's plays, etc. Anything that I could hide in and avoid being aware of my situation with.

Music and art were big ones for escaping.

Everything about this house is falling apart.

I finally felt alive for the first time in my entire life in 2022. And yet. 2022 had the worst months of my entire life within it.

And now. I'm stuck. Waiting. Again. Just like I have been my entire fucking life. Stuck, in the middle of nowhere, without people my age, without places I enjoy seeing, without people who care in my offline personal life.

Waiting. For the day my dad can tell me we are finally free.

We had no idea that we had so much legal bullshit we needed to sort after my father died in late january this year. So, we've had to deal with all of it; the confusion, the legal shit, the pain, the helplessness, etc, as we discover every new fucking step we weren't told about and couldn't find the answer to. because we're both neurodivergent, and traumatized. that affects a lot of what we are able to do and what we aren't.

I'm fucking tired of announcing what should be good news, over and over and over, only to find that there's more fucking waiting on the other side. Hope, hurts. Right now everytime I start to hope I start to hurt so i've just been living in numbness since march this year.

The pump & water is fucked up, we have to work around it. We have running water, but we have to turn off the pump everytime we're done using it.

The AC is broken. It was replaced a few years ago and now it's the wrong type of AC for our house. It doesnt fucking work and our bedrooms are little ovens because of it. I have had to move my mattress into my studio, the only room with a window AC.

I have been stuck with a fucking twin bed since I was 15. Which, while technically a useable size for me, I cannot begin to unravel and to explain the kind of demoralizing and humiliating being stuck with the same fucked up "not a real bed or Adult Mattress" is for me.

Fucking bugs get inside ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

We haven't been able to work doordash for MONTHS now and I miss that routine so goddamn much.

I finally had a real life for the first time ever in my entire life, and its gone. Because we were lied to. Kept in the dark. Didn't realize how bad our situation was, until it was too late.

The only reason we are okay, is because of kindness from my friends and kindness from our neighbors.

I just want this to be over now.

I have never felt happy in this house. My dad and I never have the energy to clean it. I barely have the energy to take care of myself. I used to work out and exercise, I used to feel so happy. We ate good food and I got to cook and have fun and feel normal for awhile.

then the car broke down.

This house has always felt either neutral or fucking miserable. I've watched so many beloved pets die in this house. I've only ever been abused in this house. I've felt so fucking depressed in this house.

It's not even in an area where I can escape to a friend's house, or walk to a park, or enjoy any amenities. Because it's in the middle of fucking nowhere, retirement neighborhoods for rich old white republicans who wouldn't fucking speak to us if they knew who we really were. It's only because my dad masks as a ditzy old white lady that they're so nice to him.

I hate it here. I've been suffocating here long enough. I can't handle another year.

I think it might break me.

Everytime I'm remotely fully lucid in this house, I feel like shit. I remember things that I want to forget. I've dreamed of moving out and having my own place since I was a child. I thought my life would be better when I was 19- to be kind to fate, it was. Much better when I was 19. But not the normal fulfilling life I wanted to have.

I want out because everything we are currently dealing with is residual abuse from my father's financial abuse of us.

I need to leave this place. There's so much fucking sorrow and pain here for me that I just want to forget and move on from. not to mention this state it's self is fucking miserable to live in.

And, we will be. It's just the waiting. The waiting hurts. But I'd rather keep waiting for a brighter tomorrow than do something I can't take back.

I want to see our pets happy and healthy again, in a house with furniture for them. Collars with their name tags and vet tags on them. All fluffy and talkative and cute again.

I want better healthcare access so that I can stop panicking about my dad's mortality- he's fine, but I am so scared I'll lose him to something avoidable before we have the stability to get checkups and such. I want the option available to fucking transition already. I need HRT. Life is so fucking miserable everyday that I can't start being myself finally.

I want a house that I actually like. A place that represents new opportunities and new memories and REAL TRUE FREEDOM, freedom from all this abuse, freedom from my miserable first quarter of life alive. Freedom from debt that was never our fucking fault. A place I can be lucid in, and maybe actually have energy in.

And we'll probably get it. It's just, the waiting.

The second person we are attempting to sell this piece of shit to, is someone who purchases and flips houses for a living. He's offered the same amount of money as our neighbor did.

I'm so fucking glad that the paperwork is all on my dad's side and that we even HAVE a house to sell in this current climate.

Because that means we might get to move into the house my dad thought we were going to have all those years ago. I can't begin to tell you how many lies our abuser told us.

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[bangchanswolfpelt]

Im so ugly and lonely i just want yeonjun to fuck me

😤 hotness is a social construct, boo! 😤 i don’t know what you look like, but i do not need to know to know that you are the ideal of beauty for somebody out there!! 😤😤😤 the only thing that’s ugly here is the society that’s invested in making you think badly of yourself!!!! 😤😤😤😤👿

that being said, your feelings are totally valid. it is too easy to feel ugly in a world with horrifically narrow and often conflicting beauty standards, and easing loneliness is much more complicated than just finding someone who wants to bang you. :[ if it helps, just know that i am right here with you, also lonely and also fantasizing about getting railed by Yeonjun. and if THAT doesn’t help, just know that more Yeonjun-fucking is on the way.💕 (@muselin's also got some good shit for you rn, too💕💕💕)

((idk if you are actually interested in serious advice from a stranger on the internet, but if you are, i have some homework for you: 

i want you to think about why you are feeling ugly right now. it’s gonna suck, like poking at a bruise, but sometimes you have to prod at a hurt to figure out what’s wrong. (((i need you to be gentle with yourself, here, tho. do NOT use this as an excuse to be cruel to yourself, and do NOT do this if you think you're in a headspace where it will lead to you hurting yourself, physically or mentally. pain from pulling glass out of cut is not the same as pain from digging it in deeper.)))

do you feel ugly because you’re comparing yourself to people like idols and models and actors?

get away from looking at people who are literally being paid to be hot, because it is their actual full-time job to look good and comparing yourself to them is both unfair and unrealistic. they are devoting time and resources to looking good that no normal person has, and only have to maintain that for short periods of time.

also, maybe spend some of your kpop time looking at selfies/vlives from idols when they’re barefaced and unstyled—seeing them with flat, fried hair and no goddamn eyebrows is a really endearing and down-to-earth way of remembering that they’re just people, too, and that the photos and videos you compare yourself to are the result of hours of makeup and styling that disappear once performing/shooting/etc. is over.

do you feel ugly because you’re dissatisfied with your appearance? what about it is dissatisfying for you?

while it’s really important to try to love yourself for who/what you are, there’s also no shame in making changes to feel better.

are you unhappy with your body? maybe get up and do some gentle exercise—not because it will help you lose weight, but because being physically active is proven to help your mental health, and also thinking about how your body is capable of doing cool things like punches and kicks can make you feel more positively about it.

are you unhappy with the way your clothes look on your body? this one is a little harder, and will probably take some more long-term experimenting and also money, but think about what’s wrong with the way your clothes fit you. one small difference can make the way you feel about your appearance change drastically—a while back, i replaced all my bras with bras that actually fit and immediately felt less gross and lumpy, because with bras that fit, all the clothing that went over them fit better, too. don’t worry about fitting into what’s trendy right now, but don’t be afraid to use it as a jumping-off point to experiment; i spent over twenty years thinking that high-waisted clothes would just emphasize my squishy belly only to realize that because of the way my body is shaped, high-waisted stuff is actually really flattering on me.

do you feel like your body is something you don’t have any control over, like it’s something you feel alienated from? there’s a reason chopping/dying hair is such a post-breakup stereotype—it’s a way to assert control when you feel like you don’t have any. think about the things you can change that will make your body feel like it's more your own, think about the things you've always wanted to do. play around with cutting and dying your hair, maybe even shave it all off—hair grows back, have fun!! tattoos and piercings are more expensive and permanent, but i can tell you from experience—if they're something you really want, they're fuckin worth it. your body belongs to you and no one else, and sometimes having a visible reminder of that can help a lot.

also, this is gonna feel real dumb, but like—maybe just stand in front of a mirror and just think about how hot and fuckable you are. because i can guarantee, no matter what you look like, you are exactly as fuckable as you want to be. no matter what traits of yours society tries to make a joke of, there is always gonna be a sizable chunk of the world's population that thinks those traits are sexy as hell; the fact that i managed to spend a not-insignificant amount of time enjoying myself in the micropenis tag on AO3 is proof of that, i think.

these for sure aren’t big fixes, and i’m not even touching on stuff like body dysphoria/dysmorphia ((((would love some answers for those myself)))), but these are some the little things that have been helping me and i hope that maybe they can help you too, boo.))

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

honestly... I don't understand being "anti" in fandom spaces in general anymore. like it's normal to see something you don't vibe with and go "ew what the fuck" and make a personal post or two about it and move on but I think dedicating your time/energy around your dislike of something enough to incorporate being an "anti" into your sort of fandom persona is very unhealthy

jaskier antis get blocked on sight honestly. you don't have to like him but I've never seen someone who does 'anti-jaskier' posts that didn't have the most rancid vibes ever

[anestheticrage]

Be me: Japanese honor student🎓, 15, with half a brain and even less of a plan. Hunting bitches by day and witches by night. Livin that dank only child✌️ life while mom n dad yeet all over the globe, leavin me plenty of time to forget not to make 2 lunches for myself #quirky 😜

no time for socialization or basic electronics skills ???📱??? when your best friends are an alien demon rabbit🐰👽 and the inexplicable Hole ™ in your brain. lmao, btw did i mention im ✨M✨A✨G✨I✨C✨A✨L✨

dreamin bout my 2D waifus again when familiar pink haired cancer patient dances through my brain passin out fliers: Kamihama Meguca Dating Service: Sponsored by Cult of the Magius. 250 stones per session 🤔

seems legit, Mr. Moneybags. wasn't spending my unwieldy sack of gemstones on anything else anyway. lets pull 💎💎💎

first up we have Redhead Radagast and her plethora of plants. 🌿☺️🦎

anndd, nearly dies immediately. 

well not off to a great start but i guess shes pretty cute at lea- oh FUCK its her girlfriend, Tsundere Poseidon😒🔱💦, and their exasperated, straight and single Sword Mom 😔🗡️🔥. fml gonna have to save up for the next pull. might as well play a few rounds with what i got tho. 

get in some good girl talk about things like school, color coded hair styles, body count, permanent soul damage, and our personal demon pacts. ya know, the usual 😚 . realize my dark backstory seems to be missing, so the girls take me to Ketchup Queen Sappho 🍅🥧 (wtf?) to molest my glowy egg stone. whatevs, more action than ive had since Kuroe 🖤 got added to the story anyway

the gang agrees it's time to hunt down the cutest rabbit pimp 🕶️🐇💵 in the city. >> say 🎵mukyuuu🎵 one more time and ill hug you so hard my backstory will pop right out, you adorable fluffy bastard. plz be my new best friend 💕

Form brand new friendship pact with Kyubae, and remember that my lil Sis 🐥 was always the best wingman for pickin up magic chicks, and kept her side of the room so spotless i forgot she existed. whoops 乁༼☯‿☯✿༽ㄏ Maybe if I find her i can stop paying these exorbitant pull fees.📵💎

speaking of which: hot damn this week's featured bachelorette is a 19 year old model and magical detective🔎 with massive levels of PTSD and self loathing 🥵💙💦 more likely to stab you or dramatically jump off a rooftoop than utter a single positive comment. wow, maybe i really COULD find true love…

... if i had MORE THAN A 1% FUCKING DRAW CHANCE. 😡 smh

hard to make much progress finding sis or winning the broken heart of a hard boiled detective amidst the never ending lover's quarrel of the Trident Vine Lesbians. 💔 Sword Mom tells them if they don't behave a monster will take them away. LOL classic mom 🤣

>>>HOLY FUCK IT DID

declare all-out war on urban legends, starting with staircases ⚔️ to reunite the dysfunctional trio, and hope that I net a way better lineup with the next 10x pull. at least sad sleuth lady came to help out. they say combat is the best way to bond wi-   and there she goes off the rooftop again 🙄 fml

alright that got way off track, we need a fresh start, away from all the loli drama. how bout a little B&E🔓🔨🤷🏻‍♀️ at the local house of worship to clear my head. ahh nothing like the unanswered prayers of the masses to get you in the mood for another wasted pull, and the 🔥 MIGHTIEST 🔥 headache you could ask for with a side of Double Cooked Pork 🐖🍜 (meh 5/10🧾)

venture forth into the spiritual unknown with your new human flamethrower🔥🌻🧡 and ask your favorite private eye to please, for the love of Eve, trade Meguca accounts with me~~~ Head through the eastern spirit portal to meet up with hologram propaganda sis and detective crush's evil ex, who joined a dating-app cult (#fuck) and also turned into the moon?🌕?(that's rough buddy)

get ambushed by Acid Horse on Wheels 🌈🐴 and vomit up my soul so hard that its time for a crossover episode. T U R F F F   W A R R R *que operatic harmonies* 💛 Blondie with the hair drills and enough attitude and guns to fill up a noble phantasm tries to ban my account permanently, but PI heartthrob denies her admin privileges. aww babe i didn't know you cared. 😭♥️

get kidnapped by my new true love and go back to her place 😏  defs enough empty rooms to house five emotionally traumatized girls and at least two ghosts hehehe👻 XD 💚🃏💜🎸 decide to form the anti-gossip brigade and recruit my blazing sunflower after getting ambushed by the witch living in my fruit loops🥣

❌outvoted 2:1 that cults are bad. mf. fiinneee one last pull to round out the team and then I'll delete the app. cmonnn Karin 🎃~

OH HELL YEAH TWO FOR ONE.

Always wanted a daughter 💜🔨🐄 with a penchant for pissing off the local Martial Arts & Books Club and drinking suspicious liquids offered by total strangers. Well if it's good enough for her AND the sexy mayadere with enough game to seduce a mermaid, might as well get in on that myself. 

#curseddrank 🤢 0/24 would not recommend to a friend, 'cept maybe Ria

win alot of cash 🤑, blow up a fountain, meet the pied piper²🎶🖕, moon cult, monochrome feathers, something about liberation✊🏻; adopt temper tantrum cow girl. aces 💜🥩

Next up!!! skydiving with DJ Hammer! Jump to apparently-not-certain death after suicidal A.I. 💚💾🗼 tells you to rescue her hostage before they run out of Radiohead albums and have to move on to Thom Yorke's solo discography. save the invisible shield kitten 💚👑😿 from happiness and get chased through the internet by the sexiest homicidal Paint Pallette 💚🎨😈 since Caravaggio. (apparently green is the color of the digital apocalypse. i’m deleting Kako from my friend's list)

that’s it, fuck this app. 250 stones 💎 per-life-threatening-experience is more than i’m willing to deal with 😓 don’t wanna mess with the perfect nuclear family anyway. we've already got: 

✔️the two emotionally traumatized moms with memory and commitment issues

✔️the adhd daughter with anger management problems and a giant hammer

✔️the psychologically abused scizophrenic cat

✔️and the eccentric aunt with crippling anxiety

#squadgoals

now that were done hoarding bitches, its time to hunt the witches. and the bitches makin the witches. btw did i mention the witches ARE the bitches! AND WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!? 📽️⁉️💀 wait fuck lets back up a second

This is Nemo📕 and Token🧪 and they have all the answers but prefer if you only ask vague questions in exchange for vague responses so they can fill in the rest by discussing their superior intellect 🧠 at length. not to mention they built that dating app, so of course everyone in my harem decides to be a FUCKING. TRAITOR.🤬

cept waifu prime ofc 🥰💙. [PTSD > brainwashing] 'yOu CaN bE tHe LeAdEr NoW'. i have been from the very beginning you traumatized Hinedere nightmare. maybe if you weren't so caught up collecting surrogate daughters you would've noticed IM👏THE👏ONLY👏 ONE👏PROGRESSING👏THE FUCKING👏PLOT✨

rescue the rest of dysfunctional found-family™ from selves before my adorable firebender burns down Disnihama🎡🔥😱 during her weekly anxiety attack. (love the makeover T B H) 

CHAPTER 8: Magical Girl Massacre🩸🗡️

   - everyone has like, the shittiest day ever

   - the new Pope really needs to be extradited from the church

   - make friends with a really pretty tree 🌺🌲✨

i swear, if i don't finish this god damn story in time to get that free pull im gonna beat the shit out of every mirror i find in that giant mansion that i haven't even had any time to even mention yet. 🖕🏚️ let alone EVERYTHING happening with the prequel [fuck you, I'm the star] girls 💗💜💙💛❤️️ and their multidimensional melodrama. We don't need that many repetitive af episodes to emphasize that Homo-ra is a shitty person. we've all seen Rebellion. 🙄

NO, I DONT CARE IF YOU WANT SAPPHO'S BACKSTORY, I ONLY HAVE 79 STONES LEFT AND IF YACHAN FINDS OUT I HAVEN'T DELETED THE APP YET IM GONNA HAVE TO GO SLEEP IN WITH SANA 😭💎💸😠

uhhhggggg where were we… Topple a cult and burn down Hotel Denoument only to realize that Sis was fused with the dating app servers this entire madokafuckin time (told ya she was the best wingman 😊). 

Dilemma: Sis =🥚, Triumvirate of Trouble want 🐣. What do? vote now:

Help Hatch - IIIIIII

Not Do That - IIIII

What The Actual Fuck Is Going On - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Lets just fight everyone until something good happens.

🔥🔫🔥🗡️🔥😱🔥🌆🔥😱🔥🛡️🔥💣🔥

Kill (???) the artist-in-chief of the italian reindeer murder police after teaching her the true meaning of Christmas 🎄 hatch 🐣lil Sis and realize she WAS your wingman all along🐰 MUKYUUUU! we're just gonna ignore how much trouble it would have saved if you'd just mentioned that. "yOu DiDnT aSk..." 

FUCK YOU SPACE BITCH. ONCE AN INCUBATOR ALWAYS AN INCUBATOR 🖕🐇🔪

anywho, somewhere along the lines we of course summoned the Antichrist ⚙️ because why not raise the stakes to max and still not kill off a single character. Madofuckinkami, can we PLEASE wrap this up. 😩💤

feathers (not the culty kind, tfm) rain from the sky, and the power of friendship and not having the Urobutcher 🔪🩸as a lead writer saves our peacefully sectioned off alternate reality 😇

TL:DR fuck cults, real life waifus DO exist, don't sell your soul to space rabbits, or your stones to megacorporations. Enjoy arc 2 on the JP server with your shitty translation patch you filthy fuckin weebs 

Yours Truly, 

- Thirsty Weeb Eroha 💗💎😘 

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 4/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

Summary: Gigi and Crystal discuss things in person. Elites Only also gains a new member.

As soon as Crystal realized what was happening, she exited the Twitter app. The girl she had been talking to for months, the girl she had shared so many things with was Georgina Goode, who happened to be best friends with the girl who hated Crystal for no reason, because of course this would happen to Crystal.  

Crystal’s mind was racing, her brain instantly jumping to the worse case scenarios. Did Gigi know she was talking to Crystal this entire time? Was this entire thing just a ploy orchestrated by Dahlia to get dirt on her? Georgina was not gay, but Gigi was. Did Gigi even like her, or was Crystal just an experiment that no one would ever find out about because it was over the internet? She knew none of these theories made sense, she didn’t think Gigi had any idea who she was until now.

Gigi was freaking out. She had messaged Crystal, attempting to explain herself, but she had gotten no reply. Crystal hadn’t even read them. Panicking, she messaged Jan, hoping she would be online.

gigi: jan oh my fuckigng

jan!: WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YALL GFS??

gigi: …no

jan!: and why is that?

gigi: she literally goes to my school she sent me a selfie and i sent one back without saying that we’re irls and she just said what the fuck and now she wont message me back

gigi: i know u don’t like how rude dahlia is so im sorry i have to mention her but she’s literally the girl dahlia picks on for no reason i didn’t even know her name was crystal

jan!: W H A T 

gigi: what do i do

jan!: girl like i know?? this doesn’t usually happen to people.

jan!: when do you usually see crystal

gigi: i see her in the halls sometimes. she told me before that she stays mostly in the art wing tho

jan!: ok. tomorrow  go to the art wing and find her. talk to her. she’s probably not responding bc im sure it’s not a good feeling to find out the girl she’s been flirting with for months is best friends with the girl bullying her

gigi: god i feel so bad about that. i only stopped it once and i feel so bad

jan!: i love you but you’re a fucking idiot, gigi. you really are. go talk to her tomorrow and do better.

-

The next morning arrived faster than Crystal wanted it to. She was dreading going to school, knowing she couldn’t avoid Gigi forever. Thankfully, they did not have any classes together, but crossing paths was inevitable. The thought of seeing Gigi, even from across a crowded hallway, made her want to sob.

Her stomach started hurting because of her anxiety, but convincing her mother to let her stay home didn’t go over well. Crystal had convinced her mother at first, but as soon as she felt Crystal’s forehead to see if Crystal was running a temperature, which she wasn’t, she had insisted that Crystal stop pretending and get ready for school. She even drove Crystal to school instead of having her walk to make sure Crystal didn’t skip.

Crystal walked straight to the bathroom in the art wing. It was smaller, with only two stalls and the cell service was terrible; but it was vacant for the most part. She often stayed there when she wanted to skip class, and the only person she had ever encountered was Aiden, a shy girl from her art class. If Gigi was looking for her, this bathroom would be the last place she would look.

She had spent the morning sketching and listening to One Direction. She was in the zone, barely noticing when the door opened. Crystal didn’t bother looking up when she felt someone’s presence there, assuming that it was Aiden. “Hey, Aiden.”

“Uh,” Gigi started, “Crystal?”

Crystal’s head shot up, her eyes wide as she looked at a very relieved looking Gigi. “Oh, shit. Hey.” 

Gigi walks over to her, kneeling down to be at the same height as Crystal. “I know you’re probably upset with me, but can we talk? Please? I’ve been looking for you all period.”

Crystal nodded, moving her backpack to make a spot for Gigi to sit down. “Sorry I said what the fuck and dipped, I really didn’t know what else to do.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m going to sound like such a bitch but I didn’t even know your name until last night.” Gigi had never been good with names, only being able to remember her online friends’ names in the beginning because their name was attached to everything they did. Crystal had been known to Gigi as ‘Art Girl’ until last night.

Crystal had to laugh at that. “It’s fine. I don’t think Dahlia knows what my name is either, and I’ve lived in her mind rent free for years!”

“Speaking of her, I’m so sorry I only stopped her once. I didn’t want to get into it but I realize now that ignoring it is just as bad as joining in. Especially seeing the effects it has on you first hand, and now that I know I could’ve helped.”

Last night, Crystal gave Gigi a run down on every single color she had ever dyed her hair, and she had mentioned that she stopped dying her hair once she got into high school because she didn’t want to stick out even more, in fear of getting treated worse. It had made Gigi sad then, and knowing she could’ve changed that made her feel even worse. 

“Yeah, I don’t know how this is going to impact your real life, but no matter what I just hope you will step in next time.” 

Gigi reached over to grab Crystal’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I will never let her hurt you ever again. I care about you so much.”

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“Can I tell you something?” Crystal asked quietly, avoiding Gigi’s glance. 

“Of course. You can tell me anything.”

“I really like you. I know it’s probably weird now, since you’re not out and I’m not positive you feel the same, but I feel like I should tell you.”

Gigi smiled, placing her fingers under Crystal’s chin, lifting them up to make Crystal make eye contact with her. “I’ve been hoping you would say that.”

Crystal blushed at the contact. “Really?”

“Of course! You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met. I would be such a fool not to like you back.”

The bell rang, interrupting their moment. Gigi pulled away, pulling her phone out of her jacket pocket to check the time. “Fuck. I have a test this period.”

“It’s okay. We can talk about this later,” Crystal reassured her, standing up even though she had no intention to go to her next class, “I can send you my address and we could meet after school?”

Gigi nodded, pulling Crystal into a tight hug. “This is the most emotion I’ve ever shown at once. I thought it was going to be scary but I feel so much better. Thank you for talking to me. If I was you I don’t think I would’ve.”

“I could never not talk to you.”

-

Crystal decided she would stay in the bathroom until lunch. It was mostly out of laziness, as her Gigi related anxiety was long gone. Doing academics was the last thing she felt like doing now. 

She had plenty of entertainment, she had missed a lot on Twitter, and had two thousand new messages from the group chat, even though she was gone for less than a day.

crystal: im skipping class what’s up ladies

jan!: hi crystal!!!

jaida: girl where have you been?? my world has been so empty

nicky: wtf jaida stop acting like i don’t exist

crystal: ehh personal things happened so i was ia. i dyed my hair green last night tho!! look!!

jan!: omg you’re so pretty

jaida: HOT HOT HOT

nicky: crystal. marriage now

heidi: omg girl you look so good!! i love your leprosy print shirt

heidi: leprosy

heidi: girl how do you spell lepord

heidi: leopard

heidi: there we go

nicky: you did it!

jaida: so proud of you

She was relieved they didn’t question her further, but she couldn’t help but be curious about what their reactions would be if they knew what was going on. Talking to the girls again made time go by extremely fast, before Crystal knew it the bell rang, declaring it lunch time.

She hadn’t eaten breakfast due to her anxiety from this morning, and just realized how hungry she was. Collecting her stuff, she exited the bathroom and headed down to the cafeteria. 

When she was in line to pay for a slice of pizza and a bag of pretzels, she had caught the attention of Dahlia, who didn’t hesitate to express how she felt about her new hair. 

“Ew, who in their right mind would dye their hair green?” Dahlia loudly asked Gigi, making sure Crystal was in ear shot. 

Before Crystal could defend herself, Gigi spoke up. “Dahlia, can you please shut the fuck up? No one cares what you think about Crystal’s hair, it looks fine. I can hardly tolerate you being rude anymore.”

“Georgina, what the fuck? I’m not rude!” Dahlia whined, making Crystal smile. She had been slightly surprised that it happened so soon, but she was happy Gigi stepped in.

Crystal paid and made sure to wave at the girls on her way out. Gigi waved back, and Dahlia looked the other way, her arms crossed.

-

crystal: it’s not that i didn’t believe you but i’m shocked that actually happened..

gigi: she’s lowkey mad at me but idc

gigi: i believe you owe me ur address? 

crystal: oh that’s right!

gigi: i have cheer after school but i can come over right after

crystal: yay!!! 

The rest of the day was painfully long. Every minute felt like an hour, Crystal was even bored during her art class. She couldn’t wait to go home and talk to Gigi.

She zoned out while she was walking home, wondering what could happen tonight. Crystal would like to think that Gigi was about to kiss her before they got interrupted, or maybe she was going to ask Crystal to be her girlfriend. Anything could happen, and Crystal couldn’t really tell how she felt about it.

When she got home, she tidied up her room. Her bed was unmade, her dirty clothes were on the floor, and a couple dirty cups littered the top of her night stand. It wasn’t too bad, Crystal would usually consider this clean for her, but it made her feel slightly embarrassed now. She had the urge to fix it, even though Gigi probably wouldn’t have cared too much if Crystal left it the way it was.

After her room was clean, she still had some time to spare before Gigi would be on her way. She headed to the group chat, curious to see what chaos they were up to currently. 

nicky: ADD HER

nicky: ADDD HEEERRRRR

jaida: jan please come back i hate it here

crystal: who are we adding?

nicky: JACKIE

jan!: NO WE WILL NOT BE ADDING HER

nicky: why :(

jan!: i can’t trust you guys to not embarrass me in front of her and she is not a stan!!! she will not understand any of you!

jaida: we don’t have to embarrass you, you’ll do it yourself. we can teach jackie stan language, she’s smart and she’ll catch on

nicky: JAIDAHJKFDGLK

crystal: omg add her

jan!: i hate you all so much

nicky: PLS

jan!: fine.

jan! added Jackie

jan!: jackie, these are my friends. don’t believe anything they say about me.

Jackie: Oh, hello everyone!

nicky: YAAAS JACKIE NATION

nicky: c’mon auto caps!

crystal: hi!  

jaida: hi jackie!

heidi: i leave to play animal crossing for 15 minutes and we get a new member… smh

nicky: not just any new member! it’s jackie!!!!

jaida: the way nicky likes jackie more than jan does

heidi: that’s impossible. jan is SUCH a simp for jackie

Jackie: What? 

crystal: OMFG

Jackie: Does that mean she likes me? I’m confused.

nicky: yes!

Jackie: That’s good. I would assume that Jan likes me, especially after what we did in my car earlier.

crystal: holy fucking shit

jan!: OMFGHFJSKDSFHJDFJK UH

jan!: JACKIE SHUT UP!!!!!!

Jackie: Why?

jaida: god i love it here

gigi: janet you better tell me everything later!!!

jan!: GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!!!!

Crystal was so invested in the train wreck going on, only focusing on the messages sent by Jan and Jackie that she didn’t notice Gigi had come online until she got a notification that Gigi sent her a private message. 

gigi: im on ur street :)

Crystal ran to the door, opening it the second she saw Gigi step onto the porch. Gigi jumped, not expecting it. “Someone’s eager to see me, huh?”

Crystal blushed, letting Gigi in. “Shut up.”

Gigi kicked off her shoes and sat her backpack down next to them before letting Crystal lead her to her room. It was colorful, lots of posters and canvases covering the hot pink walls. “This is very you. I like it!”

“Thank you!” Crystal exclaimed, taking a seat on her bed and patting the space next to her. Gigi gladly sat next to her. 

“This is just really weird. 24 hours ago, I didn’t know who you were and now you’re in my bed. It’s kind of overwhelming,” Crystal blurted out, making Gigi frown. “But not in a bad way!” She clarified, “It’s just a lot to process.”

“Oh, yeah. It is a big change. Last night, I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend, but that obviously did not happen.” Gigi blushed, grabbing a throw pillow from Crystal’s bed to hide her face in. 

Crystal took the pillow away from her, sitting it next to them, “Do you still want me to be your girlfriend?”

Gigi nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t know if we should become official yet. We know each other so well, but I feel like we need to see if we vibe in person.”

“I don’t think we will have an issue with that, but I agree. Let’s take it slow. But can I try something first?”

Gigi grinned, “Yeah, what?”

“This.” Crystal whispered, leaning forward until her lips pressed against Gigi’s. Gigi kissed her back, wrapping her arms around Crystal’s neck and pulling Crystal even closer.

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3