#Im just a touchy person and tbh i have always been? But ive never been able to act on it because i always worry about making people

[firstdivisiongirl]

hi there <3 I’m hoping that you would be able to do a tokyo revengers matchup for me if its still open :)

my name is Samantha <3

my pronouns are she/her!

my personally type is ENFP!

my zodiac sign in virgo!

if i had to say what alignment i am, it would be chaotic neutral LMAO

im 5’7, slightly on the curvy side. i have long-ish, black curly hair and brown eyes. i wear round, black glasses. i have a couple of pierces and tattoos!

if you go on Pinterest and look up “Tumblr aesthetic 2014 grunge” and that is my dream aesthetic if i wasn’t so lazy - i only wear leggings and hoodies…

my favorite anime right now is Tokyo Revengers <3 also slightly obsessed with hazbin hotel and helluva boss

the games that my friends and i have played / play are - Twisted Wonderland and Obey Me

i have one cat and one dog <3

my favorite food is sushi! i also LOVE DR. PEPPER <3333 its like BAD

i feel like i dont have that many hobbies because i work ALOT. my friends say that i am a workaholic :( when Im at work, i basically run around like the world is going to end if that task isn’t done in the next two seconds. i have the mind set of “if you want things done right, you have to do it yourself” - which stresses me out and idk why I am like that HAHA

but when im not working, i love to write for my friends - mostly it will be about whatever fandom that we are into at the moment. (tbh i never end up finishing the stories because i get lazy haha).

my dream goal in life is to write angsty romance novel - like enemies to lovers (which is my FAVORITE TROUPE) and become an author.

as well, I am IN LOVE WITH MUSIC! every year that my Spotify wrap comes out my friends are SHOOK about how many different genres, artist and amount of time i listen to music for. for example, this year i listened to 75 different genres, 2,864 songs and 1,595 different artist!!

my top artist were : Pierce The Viel, Taylor Swift, Chase Atlantic, Rosenfeld, and Fall Out Boy :)

my top songs were : emergency contact, habits, this is why im hot, cardigan, and ceilings <3

my top genres were : pop, pop : indie, pop punk, rap, and alt z (whatever that is LMFAO)

this year i listened to : 32,897 minutes

my favorite thing to do is make playlist based on shows and characters to show my friends about how I feel <3

ive been told that i look very intimidating and mean, but once you get to know me im an uwu baby. that im very down to earth and emotional. but i make friends very easily - considering people have told me even though i look mean but i have an inviting aura which draws them in.

i’m pretty extroverted lol i make friends wherever i go and always see people i know whenever im out

i have a hard time expressing myself verbally. that whenever i try to tell someone how i feel about something, i start to get tongue-tie and stressed and upset. probably cause i feel too much at the same time :( so what i end up doing is just writing out how i feel and showing them (which is kind of rare lol)

but when Im talking about something that i love - Iiget loud LMFAO I start to talk with my hands more than i already do, i start talking very fast. then when i noticed that im doing that, i stop and apologize for being annoying HAHAH

my friends call me a tsundere (only applies with anime characters - not IRL people) because there will be a character that i cannot stand at first and then i will start to slowly like them and be VERY MEAN AND ANGRY ABOUT IT. eventually that character will turn into one of my favorite characters and i love them with all my heart - but will still be mad about it.

but tbh i’m such a hopeless romantic! if we’re dating i love you with all my heart.

my love language are : quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. i will want to spend all my time with you. i am a very touchy person. words of affirmation is very important to me because i am very self conscious about basically everything about me *sigh* BUT IM TRYING TO WORK ON IT <3

SORRY I FEEL LIKE I WROTE SO MUCH! SORRY IF NONE OF THIS MAKE SENSE LOL

i hope you have an amazing day! stay cool

Hi there. I can’t stay cool because I’m not cool lol. It makes sense and it’s not too much. The more info the easier it is to find your perfect match. Idk how far you are in Tokyo Revengers. Let’s do this and I hope you enjoy.

You Got…

Kokonoi Hajime!!!!

He loves romance. (If you’ve seen season 3 you kind of get it). Love is something he really wants. And when he falls, he falls hard!

He works a lot too, so don’t worry about him getting mad at you.

He is patient and kind of a sweetheart. He wouldn’t get annoyed by your hand talking and getting passionate.

He’s been good friends with Inui (Inupi, Discount Sabo, etc. Boy has so many names lol!!!!), who does express himself much. He’d be able to figure it out and help as much as he could (his solution probably would include money).

He’d tell you he appreciates and loves you as much as he can. He can be a little emotionally constipated. He’ll probably also buy you stuff to show how much he cares.

If you love a character or band, expect lots of merch from him.

He’d love to hear your stories, especially angsty romance. He’s kind of an example angsty romance so…yeah.

I think you two would have similar music tastes and idk why. If he isn’t a Swiftie, I don’t know anything anymore.

[everythingisawayoflife]

SICKFIC TROPES THAT MAKE ME GUSH

so we all know i love sickfics, they’re my favorite type of fanfictions (hmu if u have recs im desperate). so, in order to make a sickfic catered to my tastes, here is what i want (and tw for mentioned vomiting!) :

first of all, i REALLY love it when a character denies they’re sick and the other character(s) are kind of like but you are though. bonus pts if person a accidentally snaps at b but b is relentless

oh and when i say sickfic, the ones i prefer are LONG oneshots about like a high fever or horrible flu, the more pain the better (is that a bad thing to say)

there is something so tender about a placing a gentle hand on b’s forehead and saying something like “ur burning up”, my personal favorite. bonus pts if b leans into the “cool touch” LIKE UGH

an alternative to the previous one is a kissing b’s forehead and realizing how warm they are

the more detailed a description about a character’s ghastly appearance, the better. i’m talking pale as fuck, feverish blush, sheens of sweat, the works

for some reason, in het ships, i like it better when the man is being taken care of because it shows a weakness they typically wouldn’t show if it goes against their character (thats why how lily stole christmas is my favorite episode of himym)

if we’re being honest, i adore sickfics where its like a father/son relationship (TALKING ABOUT IRONDAD SPECIFICALLY) the dad person taking care of the son person is so sweet

FAINTING. if a character faints, you have me hooked. bonus pts if they get FOUND like hours later and dont faint in front of their caretaker (but thats okay too)

vomiting is permitted. personally, ive only thrown up three times in my life and i dont have emetophobia so it doesnt bother me and tbh i think it makes the fic better

NIGHTMARES. OMG WHEN A IS SHAKING AND CRYING FROM A FEVER DREAM AND B IS LIKE ITS OKAY IM HERE YOURE GONNA BE OKAY JUST *chefs kiss*

this doesnt happen often in sickfics i see, but b watching a sleep? its actually v sweet and romantic

CUDDLING. when a is laying on b’s lap and b is running their fingers through a’s hair UGH

i like when sickfics start in the middle of the night and a is being taken care of in the dead of night

singing of lullabies or sweet songs, very comforting and heartwarming

when a is delirious out of their mind. bonus pts if u get a confession out of it or some sad shit a has been keeping to themselves slips out I THRIVE ON THEIR ANGST AND PAIN

when b finds out that a is sick and carries them to bed bc they cant walk right—something about it just hits different

BREAKFAST OR ANY SORT OF MEAL IN BED— bonus pts if b feeds a jfc im spiraling

if the sickfic ends with a getting better, ALWAYS say something along the lines of “the fever broke” bc for some reason i like that way of describing a fever being gone

appendicitis fics are awesome even though that SHIT HURTS (ive never had it but ive seen that episode of the cartoon madeleine where she got it)

i dont like sickfics where the character is terminally ill because I MAY WANT THEM TO SUFFER BUT NOT ETERNALLY

when b drapes a blanket over a sleepy/cold a like that shit is so fucking adorable—if they give a jacket, thats cool too

when b has to take home a from a date or something cause they’re sick and being a stubborn lil bitch

any sort of touchy-feely stuff in fics will earn a 10

BE DESCRIPTIVE AS POSSIBLE. DESCRIBE A’S CONDITION. DESCRIBE B’S DESPERATE ATTEMPTS TO NURSE THEIR TRUE LOVE TO HEALTH DAMMIT

also make sure a drinks hot tea with honey at some point cause tea is delicious (and better than coffee. no, i will not take that back)

sore throats?? um yes thank you

stomach flu? yes pls

a rough cough?? okay yes i need

descriptions of the eyes are something i usually dont mind not having in sickfics but if they’re there, you get bonus pts. its stuff like “fever bright eyes” or “glassy eyes” or “bloodshot eyes” that i LOVE

make sure a gets a cold icepack or a cold washcloth on their forehead like its tender the way it’ll be placed on a sleeping a’s forehead

a’s refusal to eat bc they are either whiny asf or just cant keep shit down

bonus pts if the reason a is sick is because they were wounded previously and the wound is infected in some way

MAKE THEM DIZZY, i always get dizzy when im sick

i said this already but it needs its own bullet point—make it a long oneshot—like i want a to be sick for like a week or so

the tucking of a into bed or helping a change into comfy clothes

okay i think im done for now, but SICKFICS UGH I LOVE THEM I WISH PEOPLE APPRECIATED THEM MORE. also its the only type of fic i know how to write without sounding horrible. but pls write or recommend sickfics they’re my weakness.

[alottamoney]

hi im the new taekook anon! to answer your question, honestly it was a mix of both? i never got into the band expecting to ship any of them or even think about it, but idk something about them was so odd to me compared to the rest. i started off watching their new content of course which is how i even discovered them (i actually got into bts because of dynamite) and i would watch interviews, concerts, youtube compilations and to me i started picking stuff up with that airport video where jk is hugging taes back essentially. then i was like huh that kinda seems very intimate. from there i would watch old bts content like old runs and stuff and there was a moment idk when but i think tae had to pick a bedroom and no one would tell him who picked what room so he would get a random roommate, and jk is just dropping MASSIVE hints which room is his, and i found that kinda cute like aw friends right, but THEN i saw that video of like tae leaving jks room at like 4 am or something, then them watching the sunrise together and i was like okay something is going on here. it was all stuff that was barely shown on camera, so it wasnt for fans, so i KNEW it wasnt just them fooling around for content, there was something more to it. plus i would watch old music videos and concerts and just the amount of touching they would do for no reason just blew me away. even compared to other members! tbh the whole band is touchy but taekook do it in an intimate way, i think. not just for giggles and for the fans, but they do it even when no one is looking at them and they arent the center of attention. even going back to old bts videos that ive been binging, they are kinda attached at the hip, but in their current videos their dynamic just screams something more to me. im sorry this was so rambly but i always felt so weird for reading into it but im glad to see its not just me! thank you for having this blog!

Sorry anon, I’ve been a bit behind on asks. Anyways..

The airport video? That's....recent😳 A very new Taekooker then. I relate to a lot of what you said especially the feeling weird for reading into it part lol That BV3 room situation was hilarious, Jungkook isn't the most subtle person. Taekook definitely don’t just do things just for the camera especially because there’s no guarantee it will even show up in the content.

I hope you share more of your insights on Taekook here.💜

[bloopferheart]

Sk8ti theories!!

Spoilers for all the current episode of sk8 (up to episode 6)

- also sorry if this all over the place lmao

so i have many theories but i wanna talk about the one that im most leaning towards! so personally what i think is going to happen is that reki and langa are going to fall in love, they both fall in love with each other and i think there is going to be hinted canon romance??? i dunno they will DEFINITELY have a deeper bond than they currently are at. we can see that each episode they are getting closer and closer, langa is smiling more and they are starting to become more "touchy-feely" with each other (*coughs* the latest blessing of an episode we had, ep6, the beach episode <3). we can also see that they love each in the translation of the end credits the lines.  "i like what ive always liked", "lets keep feelings",  "lets keep your heart"  , "let's go together" ,"you are always in my heart" - (fuckin sobs kakjdsh). i see the end credits as a convo between langa and reki so these are things that *both* of them are saying. so, yes, i think it will be requited love....at first. (fuck here comes the angst)

time to talk about fucking ad*m,,,,so what i think is that adam is going to draw langa away from reki and sort of influence him into the world of reckless skating. langa is so drawn to adam that he starts to skate more dangerously and adapt the same ways of skating that adam does. becuase of his, he starts to drift away from reki. reki usually skates by the rules and doesnt cheat, or at least he doesnt go as far as adam does. reki is always ready to try new things but he defientley isnt as reckless as langa will end up being. reki will start to feel as though he is falling more and more behind langa until langai so caught up in reckless skating that he is just gone. reki realizes its too late and that langa is too far ahead he cant keep up (just like in the intro when reki falls and when langa doesnt turn around to look back at him and how langa dissapears). 

so, besides reki falling behind langa, how will this *directly* affect reki? well i defientley think that reki has some trauma surrounding adam considering how he fucking screamed langas name and had a nightmare about adam,,,like,,,,idk :( but continuing on, i think that langa is going to make a very dangerous bet, like a life threatning bet that impacts reki. and i think that langa *finally* realizes his mistakes when its too late. so, this is where my theory starts to go 2 ways. 

1) reki will,,,*takes a deep breath* dies. what if langa makes such a dangerous bet and adams influence is too much that he accidnetly kills reki? BUT tbh this is one of my theories that i dont actually lean a lot towards. the next one is what i actually think is more likely to happen based on the ending credits,

2) reki *will* get hurt, but emotionally not physically (or maybe physically but i dont think so). he will see that langa is never coming back to him (or at least he thinks that) and decides to just leave him. its at this time that langa realizes "fuck ive gone too far" but its too late too chase after reki because reki already tried chasing after him and langa just ignored him. reki and langa will then drift apart although as they spend time apart they realize how much they need and miss each. what gives me this impression is when the end credits say:

"we are grown up now, can be honest i will remember tightly tied shoe laces, lets make it , my favourite colour, its infinte, i like what ive always liked" this whole phrase reminds me of how anga talks about how he still thinks of the times when he and reki would skate *for fun* together, and not for the thrill/adrenaline rush.

"i like what ive always liked' implied hes always liked reki and despite drifting apart, he still does love him. his love for reki is infinite.(and rekis love for him is infinite)

"lets talk silly stories be with you forever i want to smile by your side" implied that langa (who i assume this verse is in the pov of) still wants to be with reki and regrets the choices hes made. "lets go together, go with you" he still wants to go with reki, he still wants to skate with him.

"even if tomorrow this world ends, i dont need anything special at the same pace as usual lets just be who we are. yes, "now" is so beautiful" so lets disect the first part of that, i think that by this langa or reki (i dont quite know who, i think langa tho) is thinking that all he wants is just go back to all the days (at the same pace as usual) and just go at the nice easy-going  pace they were at.

a very big indictor of langa realizing he sitll loves reki is the line "lets go togehter, go with you *not only in happy times*" i think that langa is saying that despite reki being upset and feeling behind, langa does in fact wish he had been by his side and he wants to be there for reki.

"at any time, be by your side", "lets go together", "as long as we have that feeling", "i am here by your side", "you are always in my heart" literally is so gay like guys cmon, langa deifnetley still loves him

so what happens next? langa now realizes he *does* love reki and that adam is a big piece of shit but reki is gone (reki still loves him and thinks about him tho: as seen in line “youre always in my heart” i believe this is said by both of them) 

so, in conclusion my favourite theory is that at the very end of sk8 reiki and langa will sort of have individual shots and then they will run into each other in the street, both carying skateboards. langa will reach out to reki to "catch him" or something idk SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN WITH HANDS AND WE WONT SEE FACES AT FIRST and then the shot is their faces and they look at each other and just smile! I THINK IT WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD ENDING AND I THINK IT WOULD FIT THE END SO WELL YA KNOW??? SO yeah!!!! thats my fav theory!! 

i do have one more i just wanted to touch up on tho :eyes:

HANDS!!! OMG HANDS R SO IMPORTNAT IN THIS SHOW MY GOSH. and as each episode goes on we can see they are getting closer and closer with their hands. it starts off ith taking off the water bottle, and bandaging each other hands, then the hand shake, the hand shake TO THE CHEST, and then as seen in episode 6, the hug, and finally langa reaching out to save reki and pulling him close. i have a feeling as the episodes go on they are gonna get more "touchy-feeling" and what if langa or reki like touches the others face or brushes hair out their face? like what if,,,,reki forgot his headband or cant find it and he leands over to fix his skateboard or something and langa just brushes the hair out of his eyes? or what if one of them puts their hand on each others cheeks and kisses them? IDK GUYS I HAVE A STRONG FEELING WE ARE GONNA GET A BIT OF ROMANCE- But uh yeah

I have a tone of angsty theories involving adam but i deinfetley think we are going to get a bittersweet ending,,,,

 I'll probaby upload more theories later on but these are them so akjdhsa yeah! my dms are open for sk8ti discussion and if u want my discord (which is easier to commuicate on for me) then just dm me!)

[ccsthemovie2]

YUE!!!! yue yue yue

LETS SEE IF I CAN TRANSFER MY DRAFT TO ASK ON MOBILE W/O MESSING UP FORMATTING HORRIFICALLY WOOOOOO

YUEEEEE AN ASK AFTER MY OWN HEART <33 this is, again, super long AND YET NOT THE FULL EXTENT OF MY YUE THOUGHTS, PROBABLY??? this is a fave from a decade back or so this runs DEEP. Why I like them:

yue has just been a lifelong fave tbh. a beautiful and serious anime boy???? AND he’s the moon????? superficials aside, i am always really drawn to characters who struggle with being overly loyal to a sense of authority and deal with figuring out they’re allowed to have individual wants and needs. yue is incredibly ride or die and nearly everyone’s like....maybe don’t die actually!!! and yue says [there was a manga cap here of touya asking yue to take care of himself and yue going >:///.....alright]

it is also really funny how he immediately goes from I WILL KILL YOU to extremely protective i-am-your-angel-dad, both to watch, and to see new friends get into ccs and hear the hype about yue and go oh i cant wait to see your favori-AAAHHH HE PUNCHED TWO TEN YEAR OLDS WHATTT.

Why I don’t:

gotta say it, his clear card hit-fakeout was kinda weird, good thing i have rewritten that scene and can just refer to my personal-writing-folder discord server when need be,

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

JUDGEMEEENNNTTTT AND ALSO THE STUCK IN BIG FORMS EP AAAAHHHHH . episodes ive watched a billion times. when i was a kid i liked judgement bc i was like HES SO COOOL AND MEEEAN YESSS DEFEAT SAKURA WITH HER OWN MAGIC GO GO and now im like HE IS CARRYING OUT A USELESS CEREMONY AND FIGHTING A FIGHT HE CANNOT WIN TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A CHOICE WHEN SAKURA’S BEEN CHOSEN FROM THE START WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and to top it ALL off sakura telling him she wants to be his friend and him not taking her offered hand? OUCHH... ;w; big forms ep is HILLARIOUS bc its soooooo AWKWARD. the awkwardness of being at someone else’s house... trying to talk to your host when the ONLY topics you have in common are “i know a few things about your dead crush” and “my other self is YOUR crush”. sakura telling him that her dad insists love can last through reincarnation and eriol specifically being like “give up on clow because he’s dead” later, and he’s spying on this whole ep so he must be rolling around laughing right then. the fact that neither of these couples is healthy whatsoever but everyone’s working with what they have to try and lessen the awkward, and oh no its worse now. kero picking up on the clowtime pattern of “i have to do all the work around here” but honestly its just that it’s kero’s house and yue’s awkwardly hovering and sakura really really doesnt wanna make her intimidating guest do stuff. WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE BC ITS SUPER AWKWARD. yue then cleaning the entire kitchen while sakura is cleaning off kero. 10/10 episode.

Favorite season/movie:

sakura card arc!

Favorite line:

when he shows up at sakura’s house and and sakura’s like :0 and hes like get used to it.

Favorite outfit:

the one from that pic i have in my about where he has this light blue hair wrap aaahhhh

OTP:

YUEKITOUYAAAAAAAAAAAA. yukito and touya dating happily and then yue a few years later like OH. I ALSO LOVE HIM. yukito being super supportive and happy of it. yue and touya both feeling like “whats an amazing guy like him doing with someone like me...”. yue going in thinking oh i know what love is and touya raising the bar constantly. its good!!

Brotp:

him and yukito!! two people waking up in their situation scared and upset and stuck together, making the most of it as only they can. i think a lot of them both being like “noooo i want YOU to be happy and comfortable” and trying to do little things for the other when each is taking their turn being active. yue making yukito tea and getting him out of bed when he neeeds to wake up but just feels sluggish, yukito buying little moon decorations for the house he thinks yue would like....aaahhh yukito getting glow in the dark star stickers omg...realizing that there’s no one they’d rather share a life with like that. i think yukito’s the sort of person who doesn’t like to appear uncertain and takes his time being sure before communicating, and theres a sense of pride on yue’s part that he’s the only person, often not even touya, who gets to hear yukito put his thoughts together and be that sort of sounding board. yukito “growing up” in a big “often”-empty house i think leads to him talking to the air a lot, and now that’s yue!!

him and sakura, too!! slowly taking her up on her offer of friendship!! there’s an amazing bit soon after judgement where just her asking frantically if he’s okay??? if he’s SURE he’s okay???? after getting hurt protecting her makes him stop and stare....the switch flipped he is her dad now. i want him to feel like he can talk to her, especially about the Before Times, weigh the things he thinks are too heavy for a child against the things he wants to be heard, maybe see her face and be like oh boy i got it wrong sometimes. and also the knowledge that this is a friendship they chose for themselves!! that they were Predicted to mean different things to each other, but it would be something inappropriate and draining and a cruelty to carry out. this is an unpaved road!! if i keep going on and on i will go on all day but HIM AND KERO!!! HIM AND THE CARDS!!!! HIM AND LI, AND TOMOYO, AND oh just let him be surrounded by friends!!!!

Head Canon:

extremely touchy. like the first thing he did when he showed up for judgement was grab sakura’s face and i think thats just how he is. i think nobody in the clowsehold had any awareness of personal space and yue got so steeped in it that he is just like that now. big on affectionate hair ruffles esp with the kids and putting-an-arm-around-people that he’s barely aware of. it makes yukito a little sad to know that he and yue can never really connect like that but if he hugs himself yue will feel it so it works out!!

Unpopular opinion:

(gets up on stage) clowyue!! (half the crowd boos half the crowd cheers) was HORRIBLE (the cheering/booing crowd halves switch confusedly) essentially i really like to think about the wreckage and then healing from the sort of toxic imbalanced ambiguously requited never-labeled faux-relationship feelings-yoyo i imagine it to have been. but that means i need to acknowledge it happened. unfortunately most people who make ship content do so because they like it, and most people who dont make ship content do so because they dislike it. can you believe it?

A wish:

go to therapy please

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

DO NOT SEPARATE THEM

5 words to best describe them:

ok he looks very polite

My nickname for them:

moonboy...

[mileycyprus-hill]

hello! can i have a male ship please? im mixed (black&white). im like 5’4 & chunky. my hair is black and is super curly and goes to my shoulders. i have poop brown eyes lol & im super insecure (oof) ive been told i’m the nicest person you’ll ever meet i literally laugh at everything. i LOVE dogs & im very clingy tbh & i care very deeply for everyone around me and i’m too nice for my own good im super protective & im very observant and a v emotional & sensitive person but im good @ hiding it ty!!

Thanks for being patient, @yeehawduffy, and sorry I’ve been procrastinating for so long!

🎶 matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! 🎶

I match you with. . .

Kieran Duffy

Have I ever mentioned that Kieran is actually a pretty tall guy? It’s just that he has bad posture and doesn’t often stand tall for himself.

But for you, he does.

He honestly felt a bit self-conscious around you because he worried he was towering over you and making you feel uncomfortable. So he’d often slouch, which is terrible for his posture!

He saw how sweet you were towards Cain, the camp dog, and loved watching you feed and play with him.

One day, you had the bright idea of trying to give Cain a bath because he had rolled in something dead and smelled horrendous.

While the rest of the camp laughed at you trying to wrestle this dog into a tub, Kieran jumped to your aid.

It didn’t make much of a difference though, as you both were soaked more than that dog.

Kieran did his best to cheer you up when gang members like Micah were teasing you for wasting your effort on that dog. It hurt your feelings when Micah said terrible things about you and Cain.

Kieran saw how upset you got, even when you tried to brush it off and hide your emotions. He knows how sensitive you are, and he emphasizes with you.

He’d tell you that you’re worth a lot more to this gang than that old snake. You make everyone feel better about themselves: laughing at their jokes, listening to their stories, singing along to their songs.

THIS MAN LOVES HUGS.

Don’t take it the wrong way when he flinches at your first hug. The poor guy hadn’t experienced true affection in a long time. But after that first hug, the tension melted away. The feeling of your soft hair below his chin as he’d rest it on top of your head? Oh, that sends a warm feeling deep to his bones.

While there are days you’re not feeling confident in yourself, take comfort in the fact that you helped Kieran’s confidence grow tenfold.

You’re both great at building each other up; reminding each other what great skills you have and how important you are to each other.

You think you’re clingy? Guuurl, he is too. Super needy. . .though he tries to avoid being so clingy. ‘Cause he thinks it makes him less of a man to be needy, and he doesn’t want to scare you away.

But you two are a perfect fit. You can sense each other’s distress and find ways to make each other feel better about themselves.

The further your relationship goes, the more touchy he gets. He can’t help it. He loves how soft you are, how smooth your skin is, how fluffy your curly locks are. Be ready for random touches all around camp, like a quick pat on your shoulder, or a brush of his fingertips against your bare arm.

He’s always the big spoon ‘cause he never wants to let you go.

[sunuism]

happy valentines day

thanks to miss erola @ncityzen for tagging me! i wrote this this morning and proceeded to have the worst day ever... but im gonna publish it anyways. the only person who breaks through my heart break is this guy

who is your bias: mister john suh... seo youngho if you will.... my boy johnny

what made you notice him: his looks tbh. ive always thought he had a very unique face... and lbh... hes smokin. also... big bear

what is your favorite thing about him: how hes literally the kindest person in the world. he always make people feel comfortable and generally has such a warm and comforting prescence...

who would initiate skinship more: hmmm... i have never been in a relationship, so i cant say how i am with skinship in realtionships. platonically im not physically affectionate at all, but i have a sneaking suspition that id be a lot more touchy in a relationship... that being said im not very confident either so id have to say him

who would hog the blankets more: tbh... idk... im not much of a blanket hogger. also didnt he say he sleeps naked??? so him

who would be more clingy: meeeeeee. if were talking like emotionally, i always get soooo attached when i like someone and become jealous easily, so id just want to hold on to him all the time. that being said hes really sappy, so maybe itd be even...

who would say ‘i love you’ first: him. i cant express my emotions verbally kslfæhjk

who would be more easily flustered: uh me. hes so confident hed do anything and id be blushing

what cuddling position would you two have: idk.... the one where youre facing each other always seemed so romantic to me :’)

which colors remind you of them: never thought about this... actually idk

which season would you like to spend with them: im a big spring stan so... i love the idea of falling in love with someone durring spring... god

who would bake cookies and who would steal the batter: i feel like hes a disaster in a kitchen, so id probably have to do it... that being said. wed both eat the cookie dough together bc im a child

ayy not tagging anyonne bc im sadde... but like... if u read... wish me luck in love

[moanbyul-yi]

k so @byulyi dared me to do all the flowers from this and my dumbass thought it was a great idea to accept the dare but my dumbass also fucked up and basically deleted the ask so here it is in a post lmao buckle up bitch!! (u really dont have to read it if u dont want its sm longer than i thought it would be) 

amaryllis - name an attribute of yourself that you are proud of. proud of my ability to find the shittiest and worst tv shows/movies and watch them religiously lmao

anemone - describe a time when you felt abandoned or betrayed by someone you loved. back in yr 8??9?? i had a super close friend (that i was also in love with but i didnt realise bc of compulsive heterosexuality) that randomly cut off ties with me and yike it sucked 

azalea - would you describe yourself as a patient person? in terms of simple things like waiting on a package no lmao but if its waiting for a person or smthn like ykno that deep shit then yeah 

begonia - describe anything you see as a “red flag” (something that makes you cautious about a new friend or love interest) straight up if theyre an asshole,, if they say something homophobic/racist/sexist etc just if theyre not accepting and nice to all people 

bird of paradise - do you like hosting parties, or do you prefer to just attend? i love hosting!!!!!!! i love making sure everyones havin a lit time and organising all the stuff 

bluebell - what keeps you humble? tbh idk how to answer this question just bc ig im not really in a position where i have stuff to flex so like i dont have a lot to be humble about ?? in terms of like achievements n shit 

chysanthemum - describe your idea of a perfect day.  this is kinda gay but honestly just a day i get to spend chilling with my girl whether we go out or just stay home and binge movies all day whatever it is,, just to have a chill day with her with no ‘you have to be doing this!!!!!!’ feeling 

spring crocus - describe your favourite childhood memory. the first one that comes to mind is me and my cousin when we were like 5yo running around the house with a cape on pretending we were superheroes

daffodil - how do you confess your feelings to someone you’re interested in? ive only done it twice, the first time was a complete Mess and the second time they initiated it so idk lol i wing it ig 

daisy - describe something that gives you hope when things seem bleak. honestly idk bc im the kinda person that just wallows in their sadboi but i guess something that helps is just talking to people esp my gf about whatever it is thats sucky

foxglove - when was the last time you told a lie? i told my parents i was going to the city for lunch with a friend today but i went to a dance class for love shot by exo lmao 

gardenia - have you ever had to keep a romance a secret? if so, why and for how long?  yeah bc we were both not out - had to keep it a secret from p much everyone other than a few friends the entire time we were tgt 

purple hyacinth - describe a time when you had to apologize to someone last year,, i had a fight(??) with my friend and yeah 

hydrangea - how much time do you spend on your appearance each day? not a lot i always look like a Mess 

white jasmine - what is something that never fails to make you laugh? !!!!!!!mamamoo !!!!!! 

lavender -  describe your oldest friendship, and why you think it has lasted so long. i have a primary sch friend and we’ve been friends sort of since kindy but properly for like 8 years???? its the kinda friendship where we dont have to talk often but we can hit each other up whenever and it isnt weird its just chill and gucci ( @akicchisano luv u binch no homo)

lilac - describe your first relationship or first love. yeet ok my first pROper rs?? lasted like a year and a half and it was a friend in high school,, uhh it was good while it lasted but im glad its over and i wouldnt go back lmao but it was definitely a learning experience 

calla lily - what traits do you find beautiful in others? in yourself? i guess imma be really typical and say kindness like the kindness in which u dont expect anything in return?? like the way people aim to make people happy and laugh and shit ykno (i just woke up soz this is terrible)

tiger lily - if you had to choose between doing what you love and making very little money, or doing a job you hate and making a lot of money, what would you choose and why? im assuming the very little money is still enough to get by?? but i would choose that just bc if i hated my job idk how long i would last in it but i dont think it would be very long at all. if i had people to provide for or something tho then definitely the second bc gotta get that dough for them 

lotus flower - would you say that you are a spiritual person? if so, what elements of spirituality are important to you? nah im not really  

magnolia - describe your favourite thing to do outdoors. probably just walking around ykno with nothing to do or maybe hiking?? sightseeing?? shit like that 

morning glory - are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection? very lmao if i like you romantically or platonically ill be v touchy and cuddly if u reciprocate it,, i also will give random gifts like stuff ive made or stuff that reminds me of that person just random small things 

pansy - what is the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for you? idk if this is the mOSt thoughtful bc i have bad memory but that one time the mvp @akicchisano bought me a smol christmas tree bc i kept talking about how i wanted one but couldnt find one that shit got me busting the phattest uwus

peony - describe the top three things necessary for a happy life.  a sugar daddy,, good food,, girls

petunia - what never fails to make you angry? when people borrow shit and dont put it back how they found it >:(

red poppy - what tips or tricks do you use to cheer yourself up when you’re down? i go for a drive (i cant drive so i make my brother lmao) or i watch smthn funny just get my mind off it somehow

red rose - describe your ideal date or romantic evening.  shit idk about ideal but itd be really nice to maybe get dinner and go star gazing like somewhere far where theres less light pollution and hella stars and then after that just coming home to binge movies and cuddle

yellow rose - do you get jealous easily? sO easily its terrible but most of the time i dont do anything about it

snowdrop - have you ever had a falling out with a friend or family member? not in such a way thats resulted in us not ever talking again 

sunflower - do you consider yourself a loyal person?  ye,, ya girl aint no hoe

sweet pea - describe a difficult goodbye you had to make to a friend or other loved one. probably saying bye to all my family bc they came to visit and having to send them off opened up some real emo hours :((((

violet - how important is loyalty in friendships and/or relationships? v important bc u gotta have someone to rely on but it should be loyalty and not blindly following 

wisteria - do you like poetry? if so, describe your favorite poem(s). yeah i kinda just like random poetry theres a lot from an insta acc called poeticpoison that i really like

zinnia - do you have any loved ones in your life that you miss and wish you could see?  yeahh my gorlfriend and all my family since they all live in different countries

[argaliaofficial]

I want to know all your discourse opinions

is cat hating misogynywhen is it not?? lol

skin care/moisturizeractually very important, but look into what products u use. i dont rly use this stuff much myself, but it doesnt hurt every so often.

fatphobiauhhh?? i rly do think that its not nice to mock ppl for their weight. like ive been guilty of it, and i still slip up, but its does literally nothing constructive. that said i dont think ppl are being discriminated against for being fat politically? i do think they are exploited in our media tho

political lesbiansstupid concept sexuality is innate

separatismhonestly sometimes.... the dream.... i want males to fuck off a lot sometimes especially when im at work i always get the gross 60+ year olds talking bout how fuckable i am and its like “dude i deadass look like i could be 15 what are you doing”. i think it could be nice in theory but theres a lot of unpacking thats gotta be done to make it work 

gold starsnothing against them. im one myself. hetfem vs bifem vs lesfemwe are all sisters trying our best and drama over our sexuality is stupid.sex selective abortion of male fetusesmom has 100% say over what happens to her body and why she chooses to get an abortion. adding any “exceptions” to this is a step to getting abortions banned (again). and frankly its kinda no ones business as to why a mom wants an abortion. how are we gonna know shes aborting because of the child’s sex? thats between her and herself. 

hippie bullshit (herbs, home birth, naturopathy, etc)i do think that there are some natural remedies, and i would love to learn more about them. i feel like with proper education, home births are perfectly fine

do pastel or age regression blogs glorify ddlg/pedophilianot inherently? like if ur looking at a stuffed animal and reading it as something sexual thats like... ur issue and not the blogger whos just posting it cuz they think its cute. fuck man by this logic i glorify ddgl because i like pastels and cute shit. damn 

polyamory/polygamynot for me and tbh i hella side eye men who push for it

veganismits fine but not for everyone.

who is a better lesbian ally: straight women vs gay menin my experience its been kinda 50/50

political celibacyi dont care? if you wanna be celibate go ahead whatever lolare femmes the same as straight womenno???? theyre lesbians????? are there ppl who actually think this sdakfddabelieving in magic, astrology, and crystalsi mean like i believe that the universe is fully of energy that can be tapped into personally. i dont care if someone wanna worship a rose quartz gemstone 

is religion always patriarchalif the god is male i do think think so. why does god have to be referred to as only male? my biggest issue i had w/ Christianity growing up was just how god was defaulted to male even tho he was supposed to represent “”all”” of humanity? 

does biphobia existuhh.... tbh i just think its an extension of homophobia

pee your pantskin

interacting with minorsi mean theres no way to know off the bat if someone is a minor, and being a minor doesnt mean you cant have discussions w/ adults. that said if ur an adult having a sexual conversation w/ a minor, or ur “debate” has just turned into you hounding the minor..... maybe do us a favor and fucking stop.

misogyny in gay menive not personally experienced it (theres not a lot of open gays in my area) but ive seen some tweets and what not so its like... it exists... and its not excusable 

drag queenstheyre fine

fetishes and kinkhonestly this is a very touchy one for me personally because?? porn fucked me up and ive got some Problematique kinks but i dont..... fucking feel like its a big deal rip. i dont feel like im ever really going to get rid of some of the stuff that i like. ive come a long way (i read some stuff i looked at back when i was being abused and like i cannot stomach some of it now lmao) but theres still some lingerings

maybe in time? idk. i like having my wrists bound lightly sometimes, and like ive analyzed this and its just literally because i like being teased. thats it. and i do it to my fiancee because she likes to be teased too. i guess what im saying is that i dont think kinks are inherently harmful? like me and alyss could not be more communicative if we tried. i guess you could argue slippery slope or whatever. 

idk i guess i just dont think its a big fucking issue for me personally because im fortunate to be w/ an amazing woman w/ radfem leaning beliefs too. i could see how for a straight couple it could be more touchy because there is history of men using kinks to hurt their female partners.

IDK what im trying to say. i guess im gonna close this bit with theres a LOT that needs to be unpacked lol

t-sluri dont like people using slurs. radfems who use the t-slur liberally are like automatically unfollowed 

2nd hand penisidek what that is lmao

pivnever had it. never intend to. rly dont think i can talk about it cuz i have no experience with it

do butch/femme couples imitate heterosexualityno they dont 

conditioning your pubeshave never done this

asexualityi think that in the meaning of like little to no sex drive its a thing. that said i dont think asexuals are oppressed by any means and a lot of them are rly annoying

are all europeans whiteno

[sxhuns]

85 questions

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

tagged by @baekofbeyond​ love u boo <3

last 1. drink: im writing this on my way to school lol so my last drink was a glass of water right before i left 2. phone call: pretty sure it was my dad like two days ago and it was a facebook phone call but the last phone call i actually had was my brother five days ago lmao 3. text message: i never really text so my last message in general was probably mercy before i fell asleep last night 4. song i listened to: im already listening to music so my current song is only you by ikon (its a bop) 5. time you cried: idk like yesterday? im super sensitive so i cry pretty easliy lol

ever 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: nah 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nah and thank god for that!

fave colours 12. pastel blue 13. pastel pink 14. idk what else but as you can tell, i really like pastels lol

in the last year have you... 15. made new friends: yes of course! 16. fallen out of love: the last year? no 17.  laughed until you cried: constantly 18. found out someone was talking about you: not that i can remember 19. met someone who changed you: i feel like youre always bound to change in one way or another when you meet someone 20. found out who your friends are: i havent really had any dramatic change of friends in the past year so no not really 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: none

general 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: idk most them i guess? 23. do you have any pets: no 24. do you want to change your name: not really? i mean i use another name online but i wouldnt really change my real name 25. what did you do for your last birthday: my closest friends and i went out to eat some pizza and it was super nice! after that i went home and had a lot of sweets lol 26. what time did you wake up today: 11am, i have late classes today so thats a relief! 27. what did you do last night: i dont remember but it was probably twitter or talking to mercy 28. what is something you cant wait for: nothing in particular, probably for my classes to start and end lol 30. what are you listening to right now: blooming day by cbx 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: uh ive talked to a few ppl named thomas does that count 32. something that gets on my nerves: when the bus just stops mid road and WAIT LIKE 3 MINUTES BEFORE DRIVING AGAIN 33. most visited website: probably tumblr 34. hair colour: its brown but it gets lighter the further down you go in a wannabe ombre effect lol 35. long or short hair: its somewhere in between 36. do you have a crush on someone: not really 37. what do you like about yourself: close to nothing tbh 38. want any piercings: it would be fun to have other piercings, but im not sure i will 39. blood type: from what i know im blood type B 40. nicknames: people call me wals sometimes 41. relationship status: single 42. zodiac sign: a very predictable cancer lol 43. pronouns: she/her 44. favourite tv-show: i dont really watch tv shows 45. tattoos: i dont have any but it would be come to have some in the future! 46. right or left handed: right, i really cant use my left for SHIT 47. ever had surgery: idk maybe? 48. piercings: ears but i never use earrings so it probably gonna grow shut at some point 49. sport: i used to play handball back in the day 50. vacation: ive never really been on a real vacation out of the country before so it would be nice to travel somewhere with my closest friends! i dont really have a preference where tbh 51. trainers: what does this mean lol

more general 52. eating: i had a slice bread with rasberry jam before i felt for school and i havet had anything else since then 53. drinking: i stopped answering these while i was in class so im on my way now so the last thing i drank was mocha iced coffee at uni lmao 54. im about to watch: idk maybe some youtube videos before i start studying 55. waiting for: i would say something sentimental and shit but mercy saying exo really made me realize that im also waitng for exos comeback ujgthgghu 56. want: something to eat im starving 57. get married: maybe one day? it would be nice. not anytime soon tho 58. career: thats a touchy subject jugtghgh long story short i have no fucking clue

which is better 59. hugs or kisses: hugs for sure 60. lips or eyes: im a sucker for pretty eyes 61. shorter or taller: ideally someone taller but honestly i dont care 62. older or younger: again, ideally someone older but doesnt really matter 63. nice arms or stomach: people who knows me know my feelings for nice arms but soft tummies are also good :( 64. hookup or relationship: relationship 65. troublemaker or hestitant: hesitant for sure

have you ever 66. kissed a stranger: no 67. tasted hard liqour: yea. dont recommend 68. lost glasses: constantly 69. turned someone down: yea 70. had sec on the first date: no 71. broken someones heart: i hope not 72. heartbroken: not necessarily no 73. been arrested: no lol 74. cried when someone died: yes 75. fallen for a friend: yea

do you believe in 76. yourself: as of now, no i dont 77. miracles: yeah 78. love at first sight: sure 79. santa claus: i mean i did when i a kid 80. kiss on the first date: by all means 81. angels: sure

other 82. best friends: cam and mercy<333 83. eye colour: brown 84. fave movie: i dont really have one 85. fave actor: again, i dont really have one

i dont have anyone to tag but if you wanna do this, go ahead!

[iiisle]

dang...I am supposed to be studying, but it doesn’t seem that I will do so until I get a certain frustration off my mind. 

I have a mutual on another blog, and sometimes it seems like she vagues me. she already showed signs of belittling my interests tbh, and said that there was no usage in understanding who you are. so, there is some grounds to believe this. she reblogged a post that spoke of how the current wave of introspection through typology and pseudoscience systems can be more of a harm than a help. it spoke of how it can become obsessive and hinder your growth forward. and she reblogged it soon after reblogging two of my posts. I told her before how I hadn’t been the happiest recently. and I agree with the posts. 

but the thing is,,,a lot of my blog is actually about my characters. and, the parts that do refer to myself are actually allowing me to finally accept a few aspects of myself and process my feelings. I actually feel like my self-concept is something that will get in the way of my life if I don’t observe well. I don’t have a personality that well meshes with others. neglecting to observe, I've just recently found, got me into a toxic friendship of 8 years. I am in the process of getting over that actually. finally giving myself the time to get over it. like, I’ve found that either people have complaints about me or I float through life feeling unfulfilled. I have compromised what it is that I want and my happiness from being unaware. I actually did let go of observing myself through these systems multiple times, but I don’t find that it does any better for me. plus, I really haven’t been discovered all that much about me lately. I was actually realizing how other-focused I had been.

it isn’t her assumed actions that really pose the issue in this. this is a threefold issue. the first is my upbringing: my mom has wanted to make a mold out of her kids. as an effect, it’s given me messages that my natural leanings are unacceptable or even evil. the second is I actually feel like I had a harsh break with myself? it felt something like how people describe ego death. I wanted my self to dissolve...I dont particularly care about having a self, but how else am I supposed to get along in this world? third is that I have had a lot of comments on my interests. I won’t get into that. but, I think I’ve watered myself down too much...makes me feel that I don’t exist for any useful purpose sometimes. and as a bonus half reason, I finally did process that friendship and it made me feel lonely. one thing I neglect to do within friendships is share my interests,,,and there’s nothing more that I want that to share them with other people. I just lost a lot of confidence in that aspect,,,man. so, over the past few days, ive been feeling real lonely in that respect.

like, Im sure she views me as self-absorbed and that’s why it’s weird to her,,,i dont really care. if it seems like she continues to push this sort of commentary, I will definitely consider blocking her. it’s really for my mental health at this point. i’m not even being touchy. I just feel pretty disconnected from others around me because it never feels as though they valued whatever I had to say. it’s hard to realize what I try to bring up as a connecting point right off the bat. bro,,,,what I really want right now is a friend. just one. because I feel so disconnected and like my life has and will always be building up into the most disappointing climax. I feel pretty unloved :(

(boyyy. one important point to mention is I stand in such an atypical stance towards the world that I don’t notice how my view of the world is so different from others’. that causes problems to say the least. bc of the lack of overlap. if I am going to exist in society, this is important to have an awareness of)

Like...Budd é my appetite is suffering over this. It's not the introspection I promise. It's just called lonely nerd syndrome

[mrfoox]

Hello I should probably be more Chill ™ and think more but I got no brain, sorry

[thetaekooklibrary]

[Notfanficrelated] Might be a stupid question but- Do any of the admins believe / think that taekook is real? Or could be in the future- I know of some fans who ship it but don't think it's real so I just wanted to know what the admins thought.

we’re going to each give our opinion on this, and I’m putting it under a cut because it got long lol

admin a: well, it’s a bit complicated for me. shipping has always been so fun for me and I’ve been shipping pairings (real people and fictional characters) for about 8 years now, but I’m not delusional. I’ll scream about them being real and let my love for my otps consume my life, but I’m also a logical person and I know it’s highly unlikely that it’s real lol for me, what’s most important is that I know they truly love each other, whether it’s romantic or platonic or brotherly or whatever, and that love is beautiful to me no matter what. no one can see the way they interact and look at each other and talk to each other and not admit that there is love there, whatever kind of love that may be.

admin s: frankly, I cant say im really sure what I think myself. I know exactly what south korea’s views on things like sex, drugs, sexuality, etc are (theyre very closed off; a lot of my friends who live in seoul didn’t even know much about what sex was until they came to the us for school and learned about it in health), so I can’t say with confidence like many can that taekook is real. of course, I do believe that jungkook has feelings for taehyung that exceed a normal teammate relationship or friendship, but he may not know himself what he wants. he usually looks jealous whenever taehyung is being hugged by another member in my opinion and really seems to enjoy when taehyung’s attention is on him, but whether or not that means he has romantic feelings that he admits toward taehyung is up for debate. I can’t say the same goes vice versa however. taehyung doesn’t seem to mind when jungkook is around others and seems to encourage him whenever they talk about girls. this may mean that he’s good at hiding his feelings, but I honestly believe he simply sees him as a younger brother, although I also think he’d be willing to experiment and be with a guy. to conclude, I definitely don’t think taeook are in any sort of relationship, but there’s definitely some tension. either way I love them and will always support them even if they don’t end up together (they’ll always be my number one otp though)!

admin guk: uu thats such a wild question i rarely think about taekook being real tbh especially because its so weird to assume things about real people ahh but at the same time its hard to not speculate about them bc ahhh thEYRE SO GAY okay dhs sorry its just they act so in love and i dont mean that in a weird way its just watching them over time it feels like maybe it could be real,,, but then all of them act so close so it’s confusing and they’re so close and just ahhh this is weird and rambly and makes no sense bc tbh ive never really thought about whether they were dating or not they’ve just kinda always been a solid thing to me HHH SORRY THIS MAKES NO SENSE

admin m: I personally don’t think taekook is real? Like I say it, but I genuinely know it’s fanservice and it’s just. I love taekook so much like wowowow. Like I wouldn’t mind if they’re real, that would be great in fact. But we know South Korea is extremely closed off. And I mostly agree with what the other admins said. I do sometimes think about if they were real, cause they’re so touchy and taehyung is so touchy. But tAEHYUNG IS SO TOUCHY WITH EVERYONE AND HAS EVERY CAST MEMBER OF HWARANG WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER. But that’s beside the point. It’s like they don’t have to be real, I just see them as taekook. Like I’m not sure how to explain it. They’re just a ship I’m so passionate about and love together but I can respect them individually and what their actual orientations are.

[otpofotps]

did i grow up in 2016? have i made progress? is this what i came to japan for?

i honestly don’t know how to answer that and i don’t think im in the right place to answer that right now. but let me elaborate on the dinner with the kouhai, finally, because it led to….a lot. of internal ramblings…. some of which became external.

so this kouhai says lets get dinner and im like sure! but inside im like ummmmm but its not like we talk often or much at all and i only told one person about the upcoming event and he was like yeah idk maki sounds like a date and im like yeah ikr. but it was wishy washy like, it was also very plausibly not a date and just him wanting to get friendlier with a senpai. i have trouble understanding that maybe only because its never something i would do. this…is only the beginning of things that i do not see myself agreeing with the kouhai on.

so the dinner happens and it was like…. ooooookay. for me, it was just one of those things. if the cards were clearer i could’ve played it better. but i didn’t know the line and he didn’t make it clear and i fucked it up. because how presumptuous would it have been of me to treat it like a date and flirt? not that i know how. but i played it off super platonic because im incapable of putting myself out there like, hey maybe i have romantic intentions towards you. i just cannot do that mentally. its a hard knock life but its mostly just me making it hard. if he had made it clear it was non platonic i guess i could’ve done better. but…. then there was the other problem

we talked. obviously, duh, thats what dinner is, but because of the societal position we are in (as in our commonality is ipse) then like…yeah obv we are going to end up talking about ipse, and japan, and so many other things i’m uncomfortable talking openly about. guess what, i am not 100% satisfied. or even like 50%. but he was like its been a good year, hasn’t it? and im like, internally, dude, what in the fuck do you want me to say to that. you’re a kouhai and i’ve had a years longer worth of experience in japan and my answer is no, i’ve not had a great year. i didn’t want to say that. i didn’t want to say that to someone who still has a lot of potential to do whatever he wants in japan. it is entirely possible for him to achieve/maintain happiness in japan. but we are not the same people. and my experience of ipse is probably very different from what yours will be.

so talking to him brought out a lot about what i was thinking applying to japan and what i think now. this dinner happened like second to last week of december. fitting or just a downer for the end of the year, can someone else clarify for me because oh dear god it did get worse from there

it became incredibly, amazingly, horrifyingly clear how different we are. in almost everything we talked about that i had an opinion on, he had the opposite. and worse, he reminds me a lot of this particular person in my department that i have decided from here onwards i hate… i cannot remember what i call him here. maybe [y]. they have such…similarities.

it scares me because ive spent an entire year understanding why i don’t trust people like [y]. i hate being like oo emotions scary the world is bad and cynicism is the answer im not one of those people. but there is always a part of me that distrusts certain people. most people (all people?) maybe, until i feel some certain tick where i feel like suddenly i can show that i am emotionally invested in our friendship / whatever. it feels so dumb typing that out. but its something i need to confront. this text post isnt the time…. but [y] has been such a justification for why i do this. because people like [y] exist. people that i feel like i can be friends with and then go and humiliate you or make fun of you or imply your friendship means nothing to them. this sounds like [y] fucked me up or something and i promise he didn’t, i’ve always been like this, but it sucks that [y] is someone i still have to deal with, and i really don’t want to see the only kouhai i have a connection to become someone that i never can invest feeling into a relationship with.

so yes. i do not see myself being able to smoothly befriend the kouhai. or like…whatever, you know. but then the Key conversation happened which led to…some drunken ramblings that unfortunately i don’t recall very well but i’m sure my friends do.

so. god….. it was just such. i overreacted. but tbh its not a topic to have been talking about on a potential date not date. basically, it went like “well i came to university in japan because i want to marry a japanese person” (him)

and just like that i just. was like ….no. i cannot explain what took over me but i was just like. no. “you chose the country of your university based on who you want to marry? aren’t you like 18?”

“well…yeah.”

not that the conversation really exploded after that but for me at that point…it was not a good evening. the rest of that conversation was basically “so you wouldn’t base your career decisions depending on your spouse?” (him) “fuck no” “…thats…unusual…” “really? i feel like thats something you could expect from rikejos” (i am so dumb please don’t punch me) “not really?”

for him, he probably meant that not as a wife in japan obligatorily follows husbands career path trajectory and abandons her own career if necessary, but as in partners will consider their partner (non specific genders) in times of career choices. i took it as the first one because i am so dumb, and girls and feminism and japan and marriage is really, really, apparently /really/, touchy subject for me.

so i was touchy and a little miffed for really no real reason, and then a week later i drank too much vodka and went on a rant about this specific conversation and girls in japan, and how that’s not who i want to be, i want to have a career, blah blah blah i am really the worst. not because i have strong opinions about something that is certainly a valid topic to have strong opinions about but i put down other types of woman. i basically said something (on the vodka fueld rant) about how i don’t want to be a housewife, how im meant for more than that. and it breaks my heart that i said that (my friend told me later). because that’s not who i want to be. that’s not feminism. feminism shouldn’t be that being a housewife is a shameful thing or lesser thing. feminism is the right to CHOOSE. you want a career as a researcher? go ahead! you want to stay home and take care of the home? go ahead! its about not being reduced to stereotypes. its about that there shouldn’t be the assumption that the wife is the one who does the household chores. its that society assess the value of a job based on the money it brings to the house, but how can we ever assess the value of the housewife.

i am shamed and sad that i said things that i didn’t realise i believed. or maybe i knew, but i didn’t want to know, and hid my eyes from it.

and not that its entirely the dinner’s fault, but it certainly did bring it (my later drunken rant on [y], the kouhai, and girls in japan) out.

so yes. 2/10, the dinner was an interesting but not entirely positive (as of yet) experience.

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 16 -  “I’m Gonna Commit Mass Arson TBH” - Evelyn

Alas, another confessional needs to be made, so here I am, to type out more nonsense.   To start off the confessional for this round, will just say, the past vote went good with Nicole going to jury, relieved she didn't have anything, and I think at least being honest with her right before the past tribal allowed me to stay in potential good graces with her, but time will tell on that front.   Now, for the start of this round, we had Touchy Subjects as our immunity challenge, which I loved so much, Touchy Subjects is by far my favorite org challenge to ever exist.   Sure, I didn't win immunity, but I could care less, as it was fun seeing what we all thought of each other.   Sarah is perceived as the biggest goat, which not overly surprising, but in a way, I actually thought I maybe would have been perceived that way, however, am grateful that I wasn't seen as the biggest goat, although still a partial goat nonetheless.  However, the things I did majority answers for were too trusting, which I knew full well I am too trusting, and that's probably never going to change.   Was voted as biggest liar, which was a little bit of a shock, since I have tried being as honest as I potentially could, but this is a game more about lying than honesty, so of course, you got to lie at points.   Then was one of the ones that was voted for funniest, which a little surprising, and the one that surprised me the most was being a majority answer for most likely to compete in actual Olympics.  Like, have these people seen me??????   Trust me on this, I don't think I'd ever be in the Olympics, as I am more a nerd than an athlete, that I don't have the build really to be an Olympian.   Anyways, Kevin ended up winning Immunity, which is fine, and plan for this round is to take out Caeleb, which is going to be a tough vote, as I do like him, but got to play with your head, not your heart, and Caeleb is just too big a threat to keep around, so ideally he goes this round.

The tribe chat is hilariously quiet. Just sayin

Well it's getting close to the finish line folks and it's no time for slowing down the gameplay. It's time to turn it up and start to get out the jury threats, sadly that means my boy Caeleb has to go this round :/ <3 this is a heartbreaker but he's played an amazing game and sadly I can't go any farther with him because of the chance he has an idol or goes on an immunity run because I don't win sitting next to him in the end.

I WON IMMUNITYYYY IM SO HAPPY I ALSO WON IT ON TOUCHY SUBJECTS WHICH IVE NEVER WON BEFORE THIS IS SO BIG IM SO HAPPY ok anyways basically in eves mind she wants stoner to go home but me and caeleb kinda want Sarah to go home but we need four and we thought Stoner and Darcy would be 2 plus us is 4, because we’re also trying to get our alliance of 5 to split the vote 4-3 but 4 on stoner but then we swap so maybe it’d go 5-2 BUT who knows, people are being very quiet and maybe the vote is just this easy or maybe they’re gonna blindside someone but guess WHAT it can’t be me and that’s all that matters my dudes !!! Hopefully Sarah goes but if not something went wrong cheers to Final 6!!!

If I go tonight, im gonna commit mass arson tbh, Ive worked way to hard to not get to the end, all of the little moves that i made that are probably gonna be over looked. Its just really stressful rn, bc I really really want this. And to know I may go tonight. Its a lot of stress. Idk I havent even heardmy name but I ALWAYS THINK ITS ME 

Last minute paranoia and now eve is also voting sarah. Honesty could be that I’m in danger and it’s necessary to save me skdjsj or people just be quiet. Either way the person who’s (hopefully) going helps me and now I’m in less trouble for it

I may be going home. I’m really bluffing I have an idol. Caeleb needs to go but I’m mad scared. 

Video coming soon

[ccatsonice]

ok so my best friend turned into my boyfriend and we were really happy, at least from my point of view, for 2 weeks but unfortunately i dont think he really liked me at all and instead convinced himself he did during our relationship and we broke up,,, im sad bc i think we really couldve been happy as well as learn to really love eachother bc he had already told me he loved me very early on,,, the first week he was just so amazing and made me feel so special,,, but looking back if he never really liked me i feel kinda shitty about myself as im lead to believe im not really likable,,,,,, ive NEVER had someone like me or have a crush on me and this just kind of confirmed it ;;;;

luckily we’re still best friends but i wish i could do all the extra stuff w him like i could before and my subconsious is making me suffer bc i had a dream where he came around to help me get in the car and i leaned my head on his shoulder like i always do and he held my hand and then looked at me and smiled that cute smile and laughed and said “you really missed this huh ?? haha” and i was so happy and so relieved to be back together, i was overcome and almost cried in the dream,,, but we smiled at eachother and got closer and then i woke up. i swear i didnt even grow to like him all that much but these types of things make me think overwise,,, also im a v touchy person and hes not really but he’s always let me hang off him or touch him and late after a meeting at mcdonalds he touched my arm to show me something on his phone bc we were watching a video and i swear my heart went BOOM and i was so taken aback by myself bc up until now i thought i had gotten over him,,, whelp ig not

i am realistic so i dont think he’ll ever like me truly and want to get back together but there is always that possibility and thats something nice to kind of look at but tbh i dont think anyone will ever really like me,,,, im still trying to lose weight and wear the clothes i actually wanna wear but its hard to be self-motivated when you literally think you look like shit and your face and body is unfixable... oh well i hope i find someone to make me feel good like he did or he comes around, but as i said its v unlikely