#Im also pretty overwhelmed by different projects and work at the moment

[k1tty5]

Hey! If you feel like thanking a doodle request, maybe a lil Gem? Perhaps in her scientist outfit?

Thank you in advance, and I hope life gets better soon! [:

a gem for you <3

[bitchyblkqueer]

flash 2023 issue 6 thoughts

opening on wallylinda.... prayers answered. i love how si spurrier writes and i love the family dynamics he's created.

like YES he gets it!! and our good friend eo is finally back! he's always a good time (for me as a reader)

i am fascinated by horror based on the covid19 lockdowns. the month and a half that people really had to stay inside. and the idea that a year of your life was lost. i completely disagree. and it looks like spurrier feels the same (corona contrarium) but we'll have to wait and see. i could be projecting.

there's this quote that i cant find that goes something like, "just because the time didn't pass how i wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't pass at all." it's important to think about who we're talking about when we frame the lockdown as "the stolen year." it's very entitled. and it's always confused me. i think it's the idea that something was taken from you when tomorrow is never promised.

and the overwhelming fear that was prevalent in society during that time period is still here. it's just being channeled into other things. and i have to make it clear that we're still in a pandemic and it's the worst it's ever been. TB and measles outbreak on top of new covid strains??? what are we doing?? and no one wants to mask.

i would love to talk to spurrier about this. he's not American and different countries handled lockdowns very differently. anyway back to the comic.

ghosts are scientific but there are enough tangents in this post. in retrospect barry has been acting pretty thawne-like the entire time. but i also feel like his worst traits (isolation, possessiveness/jealousy, cattiness, pride) were getting amplified.

oh my?? i feel like this is something barry might feel but would never say, especially not like this.

im getting deja vu and i hope wally is too...

building on the iconic scene from the return of barry allen, and upping the ante so now barry physically harms wally instead of just abandoning him. can we take a moment to appreciate a writer who has read the works of previous authors. it shouldn't be so rare but here we are.

im disappointed that the stillness seem to be a hoax set up by thawne. i was digging the whole cosmic higher power thing. that's all for now ummmmmm 5 stars

[headheartbellarke]

HOME | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anon:  "Hi! If request are open can you do a charlie imagine where him and the reader (she/her) met on a project a while back and have been friends for a while, but the reader kinda had a crappy home life so she gets overwhelmed by charlies family being so loving and perfect and she basically breaks down and feels like she doesn’t fit in and isn’t good enough for him? please and thank you so much, ur writing is amazing!!!"

PAIRING(s): Charlie Gillespie x fem! reader

WARNING(s): mentions of abuse, trauma, anxiety, angst, fluff

WORDS: 2,036

SUMMARY: charlie takes co-star and girlfriend y/n home for christmas but that leads to self doubt in her (im so bad at these) [note: this takes place in 2021]

    As Charlie pulls out the key from the ignition, I sigh, wringing my hands nervously. He unbuckles his seatbelt and faces me, giving me a bright, happy smile.

  “My family is so excited to meet you.” He says, reaching forward to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

  “What if they hate me?” I whisper.

  My boyfriend, Charlie, and I first met on the set of Charmed – we were both in the first episode, but I left it after that due to scheduling conflicts with my other show, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. I had been a part of CAOS since its first episode – I played the role of Sabrina’s cousin, Sarah Spellman.

  Back then, we were just friends. After I left Charmed, we would text and call each other occasionally. Whenever we were in the same city, we would meet up – but that was hard considering we both had quite different lives. So, we didn’t think of each other as more than friends – sure I thought that he was attractive, but that’s it.

  But, in 2020, after CAOS was cancelled, I got a call from the casting director of Julie and The Phantoms: she was the one who had previously cast me in CAOS, and she believed that I’d be perfect for the role of Julie’s British cousin who joins her school after her parents relocate to LA – I also play Reggie’s love interest.

  I texted Charlie immediately after my manager finalized all the details for the new role. He had been excited and when shooting started in 2021, we were pretty inseparable.

  After a few weeks, I had developed a major crush on him ad the rest of the cast had also picked up on that. They were also convinced that Charlie liked me (which I didn’t believe at that time but later found out that it was, indeed, true) and they used to tease us about it all the time. Finally, a couple weeks before production ended, he asked me out on a date and it’s been really, really great so far.

  We’ve been dating for about nine months now and honestly, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s my home – all my life I’ve always felt lost, but I feel like I truly belong with him.

  Now, he laughs. “Baby. I promise you – they already love you. My mother’s been bugging me to bring you home ever since we started dating, and you’ve already met Megan, and she loves you.”

  “If you say so.” I say, still not convinced.

  He grins and we get out of his car and face his childhood home. I take a deep breath, shaking off my nerves. He knocks three times on the front door, and it opens immediately after.

  A petite, blonde woman steps out, with a wide smile on her face. She opens her arms as Charlie yells, “Mamacita!”

  “Mon chéri. Ça fait trop longtemps!”

  “Je vous ai manqué!”

  I have absolutely no idea what they are saying, but the scene in front of me is so heart-warming. Charlie’s mother is genuinely happy to see her son – one can tell by the way she’s holding him, almost like he’s a little child. Charlie is quite a couple inches taller than her, but he’s nestled his face into her shoulder.

  I can’t stop a grin from breaking out on my face. It’s honestly rather lovely. But I also feel a slight pang in my heart knowing that no one ever greets me like this when I go home.

  They separate from each other and she squeezes his shoulders, looking at him with so much love that I have to look away. I have never seen a mother look at their child like that, with such intense love. That’s dumb, I know. Mothers are supposed to love their children. But all my mother ever looks at me with is disappointment, anger, disgust, and – you get it.

  She notices me next and claps her hands. “You must be Y/N!”

  “Hi, Mrs. Gillespie. It’s so nice to meet you!” I extend a hand toward her.

  “Aw, come here! You’re gorgeous.”

  She pulls me in for a hug too, and for a moment I’m engulfed by the smell of white musk and the feeling of warmth.

  We pull apart and I smile at her, genuinely. All my anxiety has washed away.

  “My son is always talking about you, about how pretty you are and –”

  “Let’s go inside!” Charlie quickly cuts her off, eyes widened as I laugh.

  “But I wanna know what he says!”

  Mrs Gillespie winks at me as Charlie turns scarlet. “I’ll tell you when he’s gone.”

***

    Another roar of laughter erupts around the dinner table.

  Honestly, I’ve never seen a family like this – a family so connected, so loving. All of Charlie’s siblings – from his three older brothers to his little sister are here for Christmas Eve, and all of them are teasing each other, telling childhood stories, and just having the best time. I was, too. That was until I suddenly realized how I don’t fit in here.

  Everyone here grew up completely different than I did. When I was young, about two years old – my dad left my mom and I for another woman. I haven’t seen him since – although, he sends me a postcard and some money on holidays and birthdays. He’s travelling around the world with his new wife and is apparently ‘happier than he’s ever been.’

  The reason he left is because kids ‘freak’ him out and he isn’t ‘ready’ for that kind of responsibility. I mean, it wasn’t like he was fifteen when he had me: he was twenty-seven, and already married to my mother for about two years then.

  Naturally, my mother blames me for her divorce. I was born out of an accidental pregnancy, so my mother made sure to remind me every day that I was unwanted, and my birth was what ‘pushed’ him to leave us. Every single day, my mother told me that I shouldn’t have been born, that I was a mistake, that I was worthless, unlovable and so, so many more horrible things. She used to drink like crazy, and if I accidentally faced her in that state, she would sometimes hit me.

  Years and years of abuse and all that childhood trauma led me to develop a fear of abandonment, trust issues, intimacy issues, anxiety, and depression. Throughout school, I had been closed off, unable to form relationships and friendships with other people. I had feared anything and everything – I couldn’t even maintain eye contact with people.

  Of course, when I auditioned for CAOS and moved away to LA, away from that toxic environment, I got help and turned my life around. (My mother was incredibly happy to see me go since she had married another guy and now has a family with him – so I was the only thing left that reminded her of my father.) I learnt to accept, prioritize, and love myself – but I’m still working on that, of course.

  But, I know, deep down, no matter how well I am, or how happy I am – there will always be a part of me that’s broken. I’ve grown to accept that, accept the fact that I’ll always carry the trauma with me.

  But Charlie doesn’t. He’s lived a good life, and he deserves someone who can give him their everything – and that’s not me.

  As much as I hate to say it, I’m not good enough for him.

  He senses a change in my demeanour and squeezes my hand under the table. I give him a weak smile.

***

    “Y/N/N, what’s wrong?”

  I look up at my boyfriend. He has a look of concern on his face as he takes a seat next to me on the couch.

  I sigh into the quiet. Everyone has fallen asleep, except Charlie and I – we are seated in his living room in front of the fireplace.

  “Nothing. I’m just really tired.”

  “That’s not true, Y/N. You were fine throughout dinner – oh my god, it’s the ice cream, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “The pistachio ice cream that Maman made. It was weirdly bitter, eh? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

  I purse my lips. “No, Charlie. The ice cream was great.”

  “Are you sure? You’ve been down since desert.”

  “It’s not the ice cream, babe.”

  “Okay, then, what is it?”

  He looks at me expectantly, and I can sense that he’s feeling anxious.

  “I just – I realized that I don’t fit in.”

  He furrows his brows, but before he can say anything, I start speaking again. “Charlie, you have such a loving and perfect family. And you know how I grew up. What I went through. So, you know that I’m not used to this. I’m not – I’ve never seen love like this in a family, you know. And I don’t fit in here! While your mother was being so nice to me, I kept wondering when she’s going to scream at me. Or when your father was genuinely interested in me, I kept thinking that maybe he’s trying to find a way to get rid of me. It’s just – it’s just the way I grew up, and I’ll always be like this, Char. Your family is so nice, and it shocks me, honestly. And I think that maybe it’s better if you date someone who grew up the way you did, someone who’s like you. Because I have been broken my whole life, and I don’t think that I can give you everything that you need. I don’t think I’m good enough for you. You’re the best person that I’ve ever met, and I think you should be with someone who’s worthy of you.”

  I whisper the last part, and feel a teardrop fall into the space between my collarbones. I look down because I’m too afraid of what he might say.

  I hear him breathe out heavily and I feel him take my hands in his.

  “Don’t you ever say that.”

  “But it’s true –”

  “Y/N. Don’t you dare doubt yourself. You are good enough. No, you’re perfect. You’re the strongest woman I know. I completely understand why you feel what you’re feeling right now.”

  He scoots closer to me and cups my cheeks in his hands. “And it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to feel shocked. That doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you not good enough. In fact, it makes all the stronger – you went through so much as a kid, and still, you have space in your heart for me. You know, I never doubt the fact that you love me, ever. Because you always make me feel special, make me feel good about myself and always make sure that I’m happy. You always go out of your way to take care of me, and you always make me feel at home. I don’t want anyone other than you. I love you so much and I never, ever wanna lose you.”

  I think I’m fully crying now, as Charlie continues, “It’s okay to feel that way. Take your time. But I’m never leaving you. You’re my person, and you’ll always fit in with me, baby. Always.”

  “Charlie…”

  I look at him properly, and I can see the pain in his eyes as a tear traces along the curve of his cheek. He sniffs, saying, “I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine being with anyone other than you.”

  “Why are you so good to me?” I whisper, my throat still tight from the emotions.

  “Because you deserve someone good, and I can only hope that I’m good for you.”

  I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder as a sob escapes my body. “I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry.” I keep whispering that, while he rubs my back, saying ‘it’s okay.’

  “I love you so much, Charlie. Honestly, thanks for being so good to me. You have no idea what you mean to me.”

  I can feel him smile as he says, “I think I have a pretty good idea, yeah.”

***

jatp requests are open <3

[ssickabit]

Hyunjin corrupting his cute gf who is usually bratty (also I love ur writing, and how you write in third person)

aaaaa thank you sm 🥺 im more comfortable using 3rd person pov in case you want to know :D

this contains fluff and also, angst, i hope you don’t mind that haha. enjoy!

[9.47 pm]

“where were you?”

Hyunjin’s voice was hoarse, making her stopped in the place. she blinked for times, then dropped her bag to the couch. “uh, i was working on my lastest project at town’s library.”

he chuckled, more likely to be mocking one. his expression now changed to the serious one. “i told you i will be home at 6 right?”

she let out a ‘tsk’. “i know.”

“why don’t you go home early?”

“i told you i was working on my project okay,” she replies with a higher tone. she huffed as she took off her coat. “why are you like this to be honest.”

Hyunjin watched her ignoring him, once again.

sure, he bought her alot of expensive things; sure, he brought her to the fanciest restaurants and parties; sure, he treated her like a queen but sometimes her attitude wasn’t the best. not to mention how their time management is so fucking bad, so they barely meet each other in daily.

he really to let out his frustration at work, but being home made it worse.

he almost throw his phone at the table, receiving the “what the fuck is wrong with you?” from her.

he turned his body to her, who’s opening her bag to let out some things.

“what the fuck is wrong with me?” he asked, “should’ve asked your fucking self about it.”

“you could have just told me what the fuck is wrong rather then being difficult like this hwang hyunjin,” she replied.

he let out the “i can’t believe you said that to me” face. he cocked one eyebrow then shouted. “see? who the fuck should’ve shut their mouth here? you. now continue whatever you were doing rather than being so fucking ignorant like this, you smart-mouthed slut.”

the silence creeped between them after Hyunjin went to their shared room. she sighed, trying not to mad and cry at the same time. this project is more important then being in a fight with a person like Hyunjin—she know it right.

she woke up when something poked behind her.

Hyunjin’s arm accidentally hugged her from his side. she tried to so hard to turn herself without waking him up.

fuck, she thought, his morning boner.

not like it’s something abnormal, but it’s just too distracting for her. she sighed as she got up from the bed, trying to make something to warm her body. last night was the first fight that they had in such a long time of their relationship and she felt bad about it. she knew she shouldn’t have been acting like that.

in the other place, Hyunjin woke up feeling needy.

he groaned, then went to the kitchen. he hugged her from behind, placed his face in the crook of her neck, then kissing it.

it was shocking for her, despite the fighting that they did last night.

“you didn’t leave?” she asked.

“nope,” he sighed, “studio was frustrating. i decided to take a day off.”

she nodded. she handed him the morning tea.

“what are you gonna do?” he asked.

“uh, take a shower?”

he smirked.

just as she took off every piece of her clothes and went it to the shower, he joined. he already naked—not like it’s their first time seeing each other naked. he was behind her as the water fell down, making their bodies wet. she loves it when Hyunjin slick back his blond hair with his fingers, and how he closed his eyes and lifted his chin as he trying to make the water run down his face.

he pulled her closer to him, hand in her waist.

“stop looking at my dick,” he said.

he caught her red-handed. their heights differences are so obvious as he looked down to her. “i-i’m sorry-“

“have you ever sucked a dick before?”

she looked up and stare into his eyes. “n-no,” she shook her head.

he licked his bottom lip. “wanna try with mine?”

sex wasn’t their regular thing because of his hectic schedule. he’d fuck her right everywhere he at but he didn’t do it anyway.

he took her virginity while ago.

and the ‘we both got so wasted, wanna have sex?’

“like, right here?”

“isn’t it obvious?”

she went on her knees and looked up to him with doubts. his cock is so beautiful, she thought. “it’s not gonna suck itself,” he answered all of her questionable gaze that she threw at him earlier. “come on, use you hand, tongue and mouth.”

she grabbed his cock then jerk it slowly. she began lick his tip. as their gaze met each other, she went bold. she kissed it, teasing the tip that went so angry, begging her to put it in her mouth. the way she roll her tongue and lips over it, making him stuck in this euphoric feelings. “look at you,” he chuckled, his breathing was heavy, “sucking my dick like a porn-star.”

“shit, shit, shit—“ he panted as she slid his length into her mouth. he grabbed a fistful of her hair with his hand, guiding her. “u-uh, less teeth then it’s okay,” he told her. she hummed, the vibration sending chills into his body. he growled as she kept doing what she have been doing. the way her fingers, her tongue and her lips teasing him; feels like he’s going to the cloud nine.

she bobbed her head faster as the time pass by. “h-hey,” he interrupted as he felt everything is going too far.

the mix of the drool and his pre-cum making her looks so pretty right now. “got up,” he said.

“w-why?” she asked.

“i don’t want to cum in your pretty mouth yet,” he answered as he helped her to got up. “can i fill you up instead?”

she nodded quickly. he chuckled then kissed her, trying to taste her mouth who just sucked his cock while ago. after they pulled out, she began to turn around, her face facing the wall.

“wait, what are you doing?”

“i thought-i thought you gonna take me from behind,” she softly answered.

“baby, no,” he shook his head, “i want you to look at me as i fuck you. okay?”

she obeyed. before she can proceed anything that happen, he slipped two of his fingers into her slit, feeling the wetness at the first second. her mouth opened—she was silent, but her eyes screw shut as she pumped his fingers into her. “are you wet just from sucking me?” he asked.

“y-yes,” is all that she can answer.

he smirked then pulled his finger out. the emptiness inside her making her whined. “you’re lucky that im gonna fuck you hard against this wall, how does it sound?” he whispered into her ear. she grabbed his hand, then began sucking onto his fingers. he can feel the arousal being sent into his cock, once again.

he grabbed his cock then teasing her with his tip. she whined into his ear, trying to make him fill her up quickly. “can’t wait for me to fill your tight pussy with my cock, darling?” he asked. he let out a low groan as he slid his length in. he gave her seconds to adjust herself. she can feel his cock throbbing inside her, making her walls clenched as the response. he looked down and hissed as he saw how her hole swallowed his cock perfectly.

he lifted one of her with his hand, keeping it up like that so he can have better access to her pussy. “hyunjin,” she mewled as he began to pound into her without any warning.

“your pussy feels so good around me baby,” he panted, “fuck, what a dirty slut you are.”

the sound of skin slapping as the glass around fogged around them is the only sound they can hear beside the choked moans that passed from their lips. “c-can i cum hyunjin?”

“beg for it,” he said.

“please? i-i can’t take it anymore—“ he cut her off as his thrust became deeper and harder.

“come on, i know you’re better than this,” he replied, with a loud groan following his voice. she cried to the overwhelming feelings that he made only for her. she dig her nails into his back, teeth grazing over his shoulder and neck. “look at me,” he demanded. “look-fuck, look at me as you cum.”

and she did even it was hard for her to open her eyes. he kissed her roughly to suppress her from crying. her walls clenched around him—the euphoria sent him over the edge. he pulled out, then jerked himself. she watched how he shot his seed into her stomach, moaning loudly.

he kissed her then. it was soft, not rushed, just lips collided to each other.

her memory played how he kissed her in the middle of sex. things Hyunjin would never do, but he did it. she knew he is the type of finish everything fast. but the way he kissed her, reminded her that she is his.

Hyunjin is afraid to admit that he is in love with the girl in front of him. he kissed her cheeks before they continue the shower session that was paused while ago. he pulled her closer to his figure, embracing every single inch of her. she rested her head on his chest as the water ran down their bodies.

“you know i didn’t mean it last night,” he said, breaking the silence between them.

she hummed in response.

“you know that i love you right?”

she looked up to him. “d-do you want a round two?”

“no!” he laughed to her innocence, “god, no. i just wanted to say that, okay? also, i’m sorry for last night.”

she wanted to disappear—she just can’t handle this lovely moment of them. she can hear the sincerity in his voice. she kept looking down to her feet,  making Hyunjin lifted her chin with his hand. “hey, what’s wrong?”

she was crying. he was in shock for a second. he hugged her seconds after. “hey...” he whispered.

“i-i love you too, Hyunjin,” she said through her tears, “i love you too much, and it hurts sometimes.”

in this moment he knew he fucked up. “i miss you, but sometimes i don’t know how to say it because you’re always busy with your works...”

he listened. he felt like his heart shattered in pieces now. “that doesn’t mean i don’t like it—i support you no matter what, because it’s your dream. it’s your passion, and i’m so proud of you.”

“hey,” he cleaned his throat, “i’m sorry, okay? i hope you know that i just don’t want to lose you. i’m sorry that sometimes this is difficult for us, but i’m so grateful that we can make it this far.”

she tried to calm her breath, as he caressed her back slowly. “i’m sorry sometimes i’m not a good girlfriend for you.”

“no, you’re not. you’re perfect for me.”

she didn’t let go of him. and she wouldn’t. Hyunjin knows sometimes they’re toxic for each other, but she is the one that’s on his mind, every time. Hyunjin might be the pop star everyone knows, but when he is with her, he knows he is just an ordinary human and he hope she knows that he is thankful to have her as his safe place.

“i love you,” he whispered one again. “and i always be.”

[theaviskullguy]

Ink and Petals

@dapple-dualies-propaganda here's the au

Tattoo artist! Rider x Florist! Goggles

hope you enjoy!

---------

When was it not busy at Squid ink?

It was one of the top Tattoo Parlors in Inkopolis. and it was also on a pretty busy street. So, it got a lot of customers. Also the fact that one of the artists was a famous turfer.

Rider hadn't formerly retired, but he had eased out of playing Turf Wars. He had found other interests outside of the sport: Theater, art, reviewing old movies online... He still did Turf from time to time, albeit the adult league. He was too old for the more popular teen division.

So, he found a job as a tattoo artist. And he rather loved it. Not only did most of his friends consult him for tattoo advice (from where the best places are to good designs), but he also knew some gossip. One of his regulars had beef with her neighbor because he has a pet raccoon who keeps stealing her trash and Rider could NOT wait to hear more about this story.

Another thing was, well, Rider had seen some shit. From people covered head to toe in tats, to people eagerly wanting their first tattoo, even to shyer folk who wanted one to defy controlling parents or to mark something important.

None of that prepared Rider for the news he got when tattooing one of the customers. More specifically, Gloves.

You see, Gloves had been coming in for the past few days. They had wanted a pretty complicated butterfly tat, so for the last 3 days Rider has been exchanging stories with the resident enby about... pretty much anything.

This is how this exchange happened;

"So you remember Goggles, right?" Gloves asked.

Rider rolled his eyes. "What, you think I'd forget the guy who kept pulling down my pants?"

"Oh ha ha. Anyways, apparently he works at that flower shop now."

"...He what?"

"You heard me!" They said. "I went there yesterday to get something for a project and there was Goggles! He misses you, 'ya know!"

Rider was just. quiet. He hadn't talked to his crush in a while, contact dwindled when Rider stopped doing Turf as much. Never once did he think Goggles would miss him, but that was probably the self hatred talking.

"...I'll think about it." Was all Rider said.

The conversation continued like nothing happen; Gloves saying multiple cursed things and Rider sharing interesting stories he heard on his job. Time flew by and soon, the tattoo was done; a butterfly with the bi colors on one wing and the nb colors on the other. Rider was quite proud of it, and Gloves seemed to like it. They waved, and left the store, humming to themselves.

Rider looked at the clock. His shift ended in just a few minutes. He knew he had no other appointments that day, so he took to watching old recorded matches in his phone.

Those were over a decade ago. Yet he still remembered everything. His favorite part was still learning he won a match by such a small margin. It was just... amazing.

He sighed. Rider missed those battles. But he has to say, he missed his crush a bit more.

He clocked out, saying goodbye to the other employee-Cherry (business relationships were easy to maintain when your coworkers were your siblings), and headed towards the flower shop for more reasons than one.

Army had a performance the next day. And yeah, Rider knew it was romantic, but platonically giving your best friend flowers was always nice. Plus, he wanted an excuse to see Goggles again.

He looked into the shop-the blue inkling was nowhere to be seen, but then again neither was the front desk. So, Rider shrugged and stepped in.

The floral scent was strong, but not overwhelming. Plenty of blossoms lined the stands, along with tags of what the flowers were and what they meant.

Rider looked around, trying to remember which flowers Army liked again, when he heard a familiar, youthful voice.

"Hi! Need any help?"

The inkling turned around. Goggles had definitely changed since Rider last saw him; his tentacles were longer and in an actual bun, for once. His blue eyes still had that clarity, and he still had that goofy smile. Though he didn't seem to recognize Rider.

"Uhh... I'll be fine. I'm just trying to remember what flower my friend likes the most." He said, hoping his accent didn't give him away; there weren't many in Inkopolis with an Australian accent.

But, Goggles didn't seem to notice or care. "Oh, okay!"

Rider internally breathed a sigh of relief. That would have been awkward if Goggles recognized him.

He looked around the shop, before spotting a bouquet of lilies. He knew Army liked lilies. If they weren't his favorite flower, it'd be close enough.

Rider took a few of the bigger ones, and a few white roses for variety, and took them to the counter.

Goggles smiled. "This a special occasion?"

"Not exactly. Just, my friend's doing a performance for a musical and I wanted to get him something for it." Rider explained.

"What musical?" Gogs asked, arranging the flowers with a sheer, white ribbon tying them together.

"Hadestown. He got Eurydice."

"Oh! I went to go see it last night! Army's amazing at that role. He's your friend, right?"

Rider internally panicked, but calmed down after remembering he wasn't Army's only friend. "Yeah. We've been friends for a while now."

"Well, tell him I said hi!" He handed the bouquet to Rider. "On me, alright? It's for a friend anyways!"

Rider nodded. "Thanks, mate."

"You're welcome!"

------

A few weeks went by. Rider occasionally stopped at the flower shop and got flowers for...well, no real reason. He'd use them to add color to his house, or give them to friends. He just wanted an excuse to see Goggles.

He'd talked to the blue inkling a bit more, too. He'd gotten into the business since, well, he really liked flowers, and he wanted a job where he could just...relax! He still did Turf, of course, but the Adult league was more serious than the teen one, and he just wanted to have fun instead of be expected to take a game seriously.

He still didn't recognize Rider. The yellow-green inkling was a bit hurt by this, to be honest.

Though, it was a bit startling when Goggles actually walked into Rider's work. And Rider was assigned to give Goggles his first tattoo: A blue jay on his shoulder, taking off from a branch.

This time, it was Goggles' turn to ask questions as Rider worked.

"Sooo.... you've been coming into my shop for a while and I still don't know your name!" The blue inkling stated. "I mean, you can probably recognize me though!"

Rider shrugged. "Well, who can forget Goggles of the Idiot Blue team?"

Goggles giggled. "You do know me! I still don't know you!!"

"...I can assure you, we've met before that day I got Army flowers." Rider said.

"Ooh! Can I try and guess who you are?"

"Ehh, why not."

"Okay! Umm..." Goggles thought for a moment. "Clams facemask?"

Rider shook his head. "Nope."

"Inkfall?"

"Wrong."

"Eging Jr?"

"Not even close there."

"Stealth Goggles?"

"Getting closer, I'll give you that."

"....Rider?" Goggles asked.

Rider chuckled. "Took you long enough, idiot."

Goggles smiled wide. "I finally found you! Hi Riri!"

"Hey, Gogs. It's been a while."

"Yeah! I'm a bit surprised I didn't recognize you, since we were pretty close!" Goggles stated.

Rider shrugged. "Well, I'm not the most memorable person anyways."

"Riderrrrr don't say that!" Goggles said. "You're still really popular!"

"To some people, maybe. Not everyone."

There was a tense silence, other than the hum of the tattoo needle as it made the drawing.

"....So." Goggles started again. "How's life?"

"It's...well, better than it was." Rider said. "Got my own place, for one. Though it gets a bit lonely.. You?"

"I'm still living in an apartment. I really want a roommate!" Goggles proclaimed. "Maybe we could move in together?"

"..I'll think about it, Gogs. Though it might be fun being your roommate."

"Really? Thanks Rider!" Goggled smiled.

The conversation grew more casual. Rider enjoyed it; turns out Goggles had his fair share of gossip. It was kinda cool.

And as the next few days passed, Rider looked forward to each of those sessions. His crush seemed to go from "this person would be fun to date i think" to "hOLY MOTHER OF THE GODS IM IN L O V E", and it didn't help that during those meetings, Goggles had to be shirtless.

The days turned into weeks and months. Goggles moved in with Rider, and the two became incredibly close friends.

And, it came to a head near valentines day. Goggles' shop was very busy, as expected. Luckily, Squid Ink wasn't as much.

So, on his day off, just before Valentines, Rider headed to the flower shop and got a bouquet of roses. Cliché to confess on Valentines day, Rider knew, but he's a pining gay cut him some slack.

And Rider came home right as Goggles was leaving for his shift. So, that left Rider with a good 3 hours to practice his confession.

"Alright, Rider. This has to be CASUAL. 'Hey, I've liked you for over a decade but just now had the confidence to confess!' No, too creepy sounding. 'Yo, Gogs. I really like you and maybe we could go out to dinner sometimes?' ...Too casual."

....Yeah, this went on for a while.

Rider groaned, collapsing his his bed. "I wish feelings were fucking easier...I should just call Army."

So, he grabbed his phone and selected the contact, Veronica Sawyer Kinnie

"C'mon, Army... pick up."

And not one ring later, "Rider, what is it?"

"...I need romantic help. Please." Rider asked.

"Look, just because I'm married to Aloha, doesn't mean I know how I ended up here."

"Yeah, I kinda know that." He stated. "Still. I really need some help."

Army sighed. "Who is it? It's totally that one person with the raccoon story-"

"Actually, no. It's, um.... It's Goggles."

The octoling on the other end of the line could be heard sighing. "Still a morosexual I see."

"OI! You're the one who married a fuckin himbo!"

".....Touché. Still, there's a difference."

Rider huffed. "Just... give me some advice. I wanna confess to him tomorrow but I've got no idea how. I'm giving him roses, but like, there's gotta be something more I could do, y'know?"

"Have you tried asking Prince?" Army suggested. "He is the one with the obsession with rom coms and romance novels."

"This is his exam period, Army. I'm not about to potentially interrupt a cram session by asking for romantic advice!"

"Fair enough. I'd say...well, just rip off the band aid. Like... 'Hey, Goggles, I really like you and was wondering if you'd like to be my boyfriend.'"

"...Thanks, Arm. I'll, uh, give it a try."

-------

Rider couldn't sleep that well. Mainly out of anticipation.

He was gonna confess to his crush of...over a decade, at least. He didn't fuckin know what was gonna happen!

Like, would Goggles reciprocate? Would he hate Rider after it? WHAT THE FUCK WOULD HAPPEN-

He sighed. He needed to get his mind off this shit.

Rider looked over to his bedside clock: 5AM. 5 hours before his shift. 5 hours to get his shit together and plan for confessing to the world's cutest but also dumbest man later that night.

C'mon, Rider. Think. Army said to rip it off like a band aid, but Goggles might find that a little sudden and out of the blue. He could write a letter and leave it for Goggles when he went to his shift (The flower shop was closed on Valentines day). That would be a safe option.

Rider sat up, and got out a piece of paper and pencil, writing a note.

"Hey, Goggles.

There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while. I really, really like you. As in, a crush.

I totally get it if you don't like me back, or think I'm weird, but hey, I was wondering if you'd wanna go out to dinner or something. Probably not tonight cause of Valentine's day but maybe tomorrow night or something.

-Rider"

Quickly, he folded it and wrote Goggles' name, putting a little heart sticker on it. It was corny, but hey, Rider had to use up those stickers somehow.

Rider attached it to the roses, and kept it on his desk.

And so, the morning went as normal. He had breakfast, got out of his pjs, put his hair up... the usual.

But as Rider left to go to work, he left the note and rose on the table, and left the house quickly.

During the day, he nearly forgotten all about it; He caught up with the gossip-Apparently the neighbor with the raccoon and the regular were now dating. So that was a nice little end to the story.

Squid Ink wasn't AS busy-probably because it was Valentines day, people were spending it with their lovers, not getting inked up (unless they made the appointment when single)

And it was near the end of Rider's shift when he heard his name mentioned. Probably someone making an appointment before he heard the familiar voice of Goggles going "Okay!!"

The blue inkling walked over to his station. "Hi Ridey!!"

"...Hey, Gogs. Getting another tat?" Rider asked, trying to keep his cool.

Goggles nodded. "Yeah!!!"

"A'ight anything specific in mind or-"

"Can I get just a simple quote one?"

Rider nodded. "Where do you want it?"

Goggles pulled down the collar of his shirt slightly. "Right here, please!"

"Okay. Just try to keep holding that down so I don't mess up.

-----

And so, tattoo conversations ensued.

The quote Goggles had wanted was a simple Pride one, that said "love is love". It was discreet, but a bit of it could be seen poking out if Goggles ever wore a v-neck.

"So, any plans for tonight?" Rider asked, trying to keep things subtle. Maybe Goggles hadn't read the note yet.

The blue inkling nodded. "Kinda! I had mental plans buuuuut nothing serious."

Rider raised an eyebrow. "Who with?"

"..I m-mean, I still have to ask him.." Goggles' face turned a shade of blue, and he averted his gaze.

"....Can I guess who he is?"

"If ya can!"

He smiled. "Does his name have an R in it?" Rider had a guess it was himself, but it wouldn't hurt to check.

Goggles nodded. "Yeah!"

"Got an accent?"

"Yep!!"

"Is he doing your tattoo?"

"....y-yeah?" Goggles sheepishly smiled. "I'm n-not that discreet, am I?"

Rider chuckled, but on the inside he was screeching. "Honestly? I had no clue myself."

"Really? I've been dropping the most obvious hints!"

"...Like what?" Rider asked, now a bit curious.

"Welllll I've been picking movies you like during movie night, I've made sure to get your drink on coffee runs, Oh! And I offered to cook dinner that one time!" Goggles stated.

"...Damn. I'm just oblivious then." The former dynamo user laughed, before turning off the needle. "There. It's all done." Rider held up a mirror for the blue boy.

Goggles' face lit up. "Whoa! It looks amazing!!! Thanks Riri!"

Rider smiled. "You're welcome. Now, uh, ...did you read my note?"

"..Y-yeah, I did. And, um...I like you too Rider!!" The blue man pressed a small, quick kiss to Rider's cheek.

Rider blushed. "S-so, you'll let me t-take you out?"

Goggles nodded. "Yeah!!!"

"I...thanks, Gogs."

"You're welcome Riri!!!"

----------

aAAAAA RUSHED END

but like. hope yall enjoy!

[jossambird]

This Soul Of Mine PT 4

Main Incubus Otto x Reader (Incubus Axel and Oscar x Reader in later parts!)

18+ (also in later parts)

(Mentions of Rape but only passing, as Incubus are Male Demons who feed off sex, most of them are NOT kind Swedes.)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

After a few moments spent together in silence petting the little cat in Otto’s arms, a man came out of the house along with Oscar. The unknown man’s eyes narrowed as he took you in, frowning deeply as Oscar seemed to whisper to him.

“I am Axel.” He roughly stated as he kept your gaze, accent thick. You nodded, trying to smile but too overwhelmed to. The wind blew around you, the silence practically deafening as he seemed to stare into your soul.

“I am Y/N-“

“Yes I know, your name was on the cookie box.” He cut you off, sounding irritated and headed back inside with Oscar, leaving only the screen door open.

“Sorry, he is wary of.. new people.” Otto whispered, a small smirk appearing on his lips as you both heard Axel huff loudly inside the home. Together, you sat on their front porch, petting the little bundle of fur before it demanded to be put down, running away quickly.

“I... May I ask a favor of you..?” You asked Otto, voice silent as to not let his brothers hear you. Judging by the way you saw them slightly turn their heads though, Super Hearing was also probably an Incubus power.

You felt bad asking this of him, it wasn’t his job... But he had imprinted on you, hadn’t he? Laid claim to you accidentally, just as The Handler had said. You were now his, and he yours, surely that meant something.

Your slight pinpricks of worry reached his nose, followed by embarrassment and hope. Hope?

“Yes, of course.” Otto whispered back, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the smell of relief you exuded, so much so that he had to look away, eyes turning inside to catch both Oscar and Axel watching out of anticipation.

“Would you mind accompanying me to church after tomorrow? It would not be for long, I... I need to deliver something, but I dont feel comfortable going alone.” You answered, wondering if he could sense that you were hiding something from him.

Could Incubi also read minds, just as their female Ruler had? Was that simply a Succubus power? God, as soon as you got home, you were going to write all of this down.

It was obvious you were hiding something from him, but as he took in the delicious scent of your emotions, Otto knew it wasn’t anything malicious. Your worry and hope outshined anything else, the sweet mixture making his insides burn, feeling the sudden need to comfort you.

It was a mistake to reach out, to touch you, hand placed on your forearm. The moment he did, mouth open to answer, the sharp dangerous smell of arousal waifed off of you, calling to him, your surprise mixing with it as he retracted his hand. Otto’s mind reeled as he tried to recover, senses on fire, barely registering that you had accidentally projected some of your emotions onto him in that moment.

“I will walk you home.” Axel declared, scaring you as he appeared behind you, gloved hand settling on your shoulder to lift you and turn you away from his stunned brother. You frowned, trying to turn to say goodbye to the two other brothers but couldn’t, Axel’s rough hold veering you out the yard and into the street and cold night, his gray eyes shining as he watched you.

“I know that you know.” He stated as he walked alongside you, momentarily shutting his senses off as to avoid your whirlwind of emotions that you visibly had no control over whatsoever. Mortals, such incapable beings. He didn’t miss the way your head snapped back to him, watching him as you walked together.

“My brothers are young, a hint of stupid even, so they cannot tell, but I can. You fraternized with her, sat with her. You smell of her cigarettes.” He said after a moment passed, coming at a standstill. You werent Otto’s soulmate, you were working for The Handler, plotting, cruel, acting kind to get close to his poor unsuspecting brother. He wanted to lash out, tell you how stupid you were-

The scent of pure unadulterated relief flooded his senses out of nowhere as you turned to him, eyes wide open as you gasped deeply, looking at him in surprise.

“Oh god, thank goodness! You have no idea how relieved I am to know that you know, she absolutely scared the life out of me! She arrived at the Church and sat right beside me!” You exclaimed, hands flying to your face to hide from him, fearing he was about to kill you-

“You- Your being honest...” Axel said, tone sounding more uncertain then he had ever been in his life, finding himself out of his depth at your honest and truthful answer. Something within his chest hurt, a sharp and twisted pain, lighting his senses on fire. It felt like the first breath of fresh air after being held under water for ages, wind filling his lungs as he breathed in slowly. He didn’t understand, he didn’t get it; you knew they were demons? Incubi, to be specific, and yet you stayed either way?

“Why would you fraternize with demons, demons that rape, harm pretty little women like you... who lure unsuspecting women out in parks at night, only to eat their throat out?” Axel stated, trying to make you see just what they were, the dangers that they brought, what they truly were, but as he went on, he felt more drained, losing whatever edge he hoped to exude out to you.

He hated you, hated that a mere mortal like you were making him regret his choices, making him regret what he was as he saw the gentle pure kindness in your eyes. Most of all, he hated that you, you of all people, a pretty little church goer, made him regret being born an Incubus. For the first time in all of his existence, a mortal, a human, knew what he was, and stayed, showing him the same exact kindness as before.

“Wow, with a facial expression as flat as that, Im really trembling in my boots.” You smirked at him, hand lifting to push your hair back behind your ear as the wind blew around the both of you, trees swaying in the wind. A vile putrid stench filled the air for a moment and made him forget the retort that had been on his tongue, nearly making him gag as the scent filled his senses. What was that?

“Do that again.” Axel whispered out harshly, eyes sharply observing you critically as you stopped smiling.

“Do what again?” You asked, eyes wide, breath catching in your throat as he came closer, face moving towards you as if to smell you.

“Place your hair behind your ear again, there is something... unclean on you, something The Handler must have implanted on you, I can smell it wafting into the air around you.” Axel said before recoiling sharply as you lifted your arm, your soft gaze turning worried as you watched him openly gag, the noise making the nerves inside of you burst.

“Oh my god Axel, are you okay!? Im so sorry!” You asked, stepping away from him to leave him some room but halting as his arm shot out, grabbing ahold of your wrist-

Axel froze as foul images assaulted his senses, the scent overpowering him. He remained unmoving though, feeling it too important of a vision to pull back, pull away. You, the mere human mortal, were too important, he corrected himself, heart beating faster as he watched a Priest, supposedly a man of God, jerking himself off, your dainty little bracelet in his hand. Axel watched with a feeling of violation as the priest finished himself off and pocketed the bracelet, only to give it to you later that day at the end of a sermon. The man had tainted it, placed his unholy hands on it, coated with-

“Take it off.” Axel grunted as he pulled away, emotions running amok inside of him like a hurricane in an open field, ripping and destroying everything in its path. The delicate scent of your hesitation reached him, and he almost sighed out of joy at the sheer difference of weight your scent had over the bracelets filthy smell, making him forget the Priest’s disgusting act.

“If you can trust me, no matter how small, please, trust me now Y/N.” He added, eyes locking onto yours. It was a stretch Axel told himself, knowing he wasn’t in any position to demand anything of you after accusing you of potentially betraying them with little proof.

Nothing in this world had ever brought him ecstasy, nothing had ever made his dead heart beat, and yet here you were, ripping the bracelet off and throwing it into the woods behind you; the mere sight of your trust made his blood roil pleasantly under his skin, fingertips aching to touch you.

Had this been exactly what Otto had felt the first time he had touched you? Otto had been frugal on the details of his awakened state of mind, but was touch truly the key? It had to be, he had never felt a more pressing need to touch a human, anyone, anything, YOU, more then Axel did right now, invisible Incubus tail fidgeting back and forth out of confusion.

“Are you alright?” You asked again, noticing how far his gaze seemed, reminded suddenly of Otto’s expression the first time he had laid his hand on you. Axel breathed in sharply as you came closer, eyes connecting with your own. His gray-blue eyes shined in the moonlight, platinum blond hair reminding you of fresh snow.

You didn’t know what Father James’ bracelet had, or what magic was on it, but you trusted Axel.

“Y/N... If I asked you to no longer visit the Priest alone, would you respect my judgement?” Axel whispered softly as he lifted his hand, wanting to pushing your hair once more behind your ear but couldn’t. He watched you, watched as the wheels turned within your mind, and watched with greed as you bit your lip softly.

He had always seen female lovers do it, biting their lips to keep themselves from making sound, or out of desire, and it had never done anything for him. Yet here he stood, hand lowering to his side once more, insides churning in pure delight at the sight of your teeth sinking into your lower lip softly. The sweet scent of your surprise at his question curled around you, patiently allowing you to think before answering him.

You wondered if Axel had heard you speak to Otto earlier or if he had taken an educated guess. Did he also have powers like their Ruler did? He visibly had Super Hearing, but the was for another day to think about.

“You know, earlier at your home, I thought you hated me. But I would almost say you have a soft spot for me Axel, seeing how accommodating you are, walking me home.” You said, changing the subject as you felt anxiety rise up your spine with a vicious need. Axel hummed in answer, eyes squinting as he regarded you.

“You need not answer me, but please, next time, ask my poor simpleton of a Brother to accompany you.” He spoke, smiling a bit as you nodded and continued your walk home, silence reigning over the both of you the rest of the way.

——

The walk back home was torturous for Axel, mind and heart fighting, intelligence trying to reign victorious over these... feelings, emotions. Useless things, really.

Yet... he understood, understood why Otto had been acting irrationally. Nothing seemed to make sense as he had watched you wave goodbye to him from your front door, senses telling him to leave but.. body roaring to go knock on your door, to ask for permission to enter and touch you, touch your cheeks and run his lips against your throat. Axel wanted to feel your pulse under his fingertips, feel the fleeting human life inside you, and to feel you, just you, touching him back out of your own volition, not like the humans affected by his natural Pheromones.

Axel’s feet came to a sudden stop, previous inner thoughts reminding him just what he was: A Demon. An Incubus, a male demon that sought to impregnate human women, feeding off their souls and lives. He was everything your kind feared, everything they had nightmares about, everything human children cried about.

Slowly yet quickly, the thought came crashing down on him that this, all of these emotions he was feeling, all of these humanly soft thoughts, all of these stupid fantasies could never happen.

Never should he touch your cheeks, and run his lips along your throat. Never should he feel your pulse under his fingertips.

Never, under any circumstances, should he ever feel your touch, from this moment on. If he did, Axel knew he would fail, knew he would throw everything to the wind, fairytales and folktales be damned.

If you touched him, Axel knew he would follow you until the end of the Earth.

[your--isgayrights]

Okay i actually have no clue on how tumblr works (hope I'm doing this right lmao) but I'm writing my first fic (I still can't really move on from orv so I decided to make my own content lol.), I really love your writing style, do you have any tips??

Hmmmm tips tips tips tips.... First of all I’m really flattered that you like my writing enough to ask me about it! I’ll try to give my best answer... I think that I used to read a lot of people’s “writing tips” but ultimately I ended up not really understanding them until I started writing a lot? Either way it’s fun to read how other authors think... It’s really cool that you’re writing your first fic and you thought to come to me... did I already say that? Okay long post under the cut.

I don’t think this will be all that helpful, but this is just things that I think about if that’s interesting!

For me a lot of writing is like struggling with motivation (I have ADHD so that’s probs why), I really have to pace myself while writing because I can’t just force myself to do it. If I go in every day and think “I have to write today I’m not doing anything so I should be writing” I can get burnt out really easily, even if I really like the thing I’m writing and know how it’s supposed to go. So one of my big things is that when I’m not thinking about writing I’m not thinking about writing. that gives my brain a break and refreshes me when I get back to my google document.

Something I’ve also struggled with having to remember is that there’s like. Never a perfect way to write. What I end up doing is thinking up ideas and fragments and sentences in my head and the very moment I think of something I like I have to write it down in my notes app. Most of my writing process ends up being like. Filling in the blanks and connecting the dots between scene fragments. 

For fics in particular I’d also just recommend rereading your favorite parts of the og work! I’m the kind of person who has a pretty good reading memory, so people may have noticed that I include a lot of little details referencing the text in my fic. Just reading the work kind of helps you remember the voices of the character and the style of the narration, and if you just like. internalize it. you can probably replicate it pretty well if you wanted to.

OKAY I say that but don’t worry too much about replicating things in the og work perfectly. I find that a lot of times when I’m writing I’m inserting a lot of personal touches and putting things that are a part of me in the work. Writing is always going to be like. an extension of your voice, no matter what you’re writing. I think that when I heard about stuff like that from authors in the past I was always like. What? I’m not writing about things that happened to me. I’m writing about grown adult men having emotional issues, silly. But there’s like a lot more nuance to writing about yourself, I guess. Like you don’t have to have like a self insert or be projecting onto a character to have yourself reflected in something you’ve written.

I’d say that like, whatever you write as your first fic is going to be lovely, but when you grow up as a writer and look back on it, you’re not going to remember who you were when you wrote it. I think that’s why a lot of people look back on their first works and are like “I can’t believe I wrote that, what was I thinking, cringe cringe cringe ugh.” Like I definitely do that sometimes, but I’ve found that the old work I’m happiest with nowadays is the stuff where I can recognize myself in it, even if I’m not in that fandom anymore or if there’s old jokes or typos I don’t remember making. 

With that being said, I’m the kind of person who always gives myself a mission statement when I’m writing. I sort of mentally go, okay, I’m writing this kind of thing, and this is why I’m writing it. It can be something like oh I’m writing this fluff piece because I love this character and wish they had a happier ending, or  oh I want to write this multi chapter fic exploring an issue touched on in the original work but I feel like with my own experiences I could expand on it more than the author did. Just something that tells me why it is important to me to write this thing when I’m writing it.

AAAH I feel like I made that sound more dramatic than it really is, that’s just how I think I guess. I’m the kind of guy where its like things need to have like MEANING to me when I do them. I’m dramatic and gay and that’s my personality I guess 😔.

Hmmm maybe it’s also my BIGGEST writing tip tho. Like kind of just thinking things through when you’re writing is pretty important. When I was first learning to write at all (talking about baby baby me here this is like sort of a side tangent sorry) I think that a lot of times I would copy phrases and developments that I had liked in things that I had read without really fully considering why I would include those things other than the fact that that was just what I thought writing was. It’s important to consider what importance every scene and sentence has to do with the flow of the story. Are they just things that are happening, or is there a reason that the audience needs to know these things? The weight of your words should have some sort of consequence as a result of you writing them. Are you telling the audience information they need to know? Is it about how the character feels? What does this say about the character? Etc.

I suppose that’s sort of my own writing style. You’ll probably notice that I don’t write a lot of descriptive prose if you read my fic. The thing about me is that I never want to write something that makes my audience question why they’re reading it, I guess. I’m sort of self conscious and think about the reading experience a lot. All of the things I choose to describe are usually so that the reader can understand where people are in the scene and what emotions they are having. There’s a lot of emphasis that I put in like. A reader’s ability to read into things, which works against me sometimes because I’m not always certain if people picked up on different things that I put a lot of thought into (the curse of being seen... sob).

ALSO use paragraph breaks. In my first fic (that I’m not going to tell anyone what is even though its on ao3 because im shy) the thing I always regret the MOST is that there are big chunky paragraphs that are hard to read through at the start. Like my eyes get lost. I mentioned I have ADHD before but even though I like. physically can’t read a big chunky paragraph I will always write them that way if left to my own devices. Paragraph breaks don’t have to just be broken up by dialogue they can be wherever you feel like doing them. You need a lot of them. This post should probably have more of them... oh my god it’s so long...

OKAY FOR REAL THOUGH IF YOU COULDN”T SLOG THROUGHT THE REST OF THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP IS RIGHT HERE: 

JUST LET YOURSELF WRITE

I have a lot of like. academic trauma, so maybe this is just me, but the reason I didn’t write fic until I was like 16 was because I was always really scared that whatever I wrote wouldn’t be good enough for some impossible standard I was setting for myself. I was always telling myself that I had certain bad writing habits or that I was terrible for never being able to focus on things for very long and all of my projects were doomed to failure before I even started. But then I wrote my first like 8 chapter fic in the summer of my junior year and I was like... oh. that wasn’t so bad. Like. It’s okay to know your limits, but you don’t really know them until you start writing. Like I wrote an 8 chapter fic, and then a few one shots, and then I tried to take on a very complicated project that ended up being over 40 chapters and I had to put it down because I just wasn’t really at the writing level to finish it. I would advise against writing fics that take so long to write that you start hating the way you wrote the first chapter, basically lol. Know how whatever you’re writing is supposed to begin and end before you start writing it.

Nowadays I always have like. plot outlines in my head when I start a fic. Like okay this needs to happen here this needs to happen here etc. I like making lists if it seems to overwhelming when I’m writing something long, just to organize my thoughts. 

OKAY I JUST TALKED A LOT. SORRY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO READ ALL OF THIS BUT I’M A LITTLE CHATTY IF YOU DIDN’T NOTICE.

Defo feel free to dm me if you have like questions or just want to chat about orv or whatever. I’m a lonely little man out here floating on my pile of words, and I’d love to hear what your fic is about!! 

[yaboyspodcastpalace]

For the character asks: Jon, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane? (giving multiple suggestions so you can pick one in case you get the same character twice in different asks)

very kind of you to assume i get many asks :') THANKS ill do all of them u_u

[Send me a character and i'll tell you...]

(under the cut bc i love talking and this got long lmao)

Jon

First impression

he's a uptight prick with obvious favoritism for sasha and tim and i love him so! much!!!!!!

Impression now

my poor little mew mew hm................I've got a complicated relationship w/ jon bc i love him a lot, but i loved s1 him the most, and literally everything else just makes me really, brutally, sad ;_; The way he tries so desperately to cling to his humanity and how other characters just call him by the title imposed to him makes me wanna cry

...also he just cares so much ;_; i cry

Favorite moment

probably his interactions with georgie at the beginning of season 3!!! From s5 id say when he killed not!sasha, it felt vindictive ù_ú

Idea for a story

Dhfhdh im p basic when it comes to him ngl, either jon/tim/sasha friends to lovers or jon and desolation!tim or *something*!sasha trying to stay as human as possible, together 😔 (or just any of them living and coping together in s4 n s5)

Unpopular opinion

Im just not a fan of monster jon, at all! He's not the type of character that i enjoy seeing having a corruption arc unfortunately!! It just hurts!!! (and this Is from someone that Loves corruption arcs!!!)

Also i really hate moth jon imagery??? For not particular reason, moths are pretty, but i still hate it u_u AND THE ASSOCIATION OF GREEN W/ JON (or the beholding in general!) I CANNOT STAND IT!! i know its bc of the tma logo but guess what! Its wrong! Purple jon rights!!!

ALSO ALSO the so called pining he had for martin just.... didnt felt like that at all! i have Many feelings abt this!

Favorite relationship

either georgie in s3, or sasha!!! i love how he always praises sasha in her research in s1 and even thought he's at his driest & sharp Trying-To-Project-Professionalism-And-Skepticism she still rolls into his office, interrupts him mid statement to banter w/ him abt pronunciation n stuff and its just Normal, like that speaks volumes of how comfortable they felt around each other! they were friends gdi! the moment he realizes she died and then everytime the not!them mocks him w/ her death makes me wanna break smth q_q

im not even gonna mention tim bc even though i love their relationship It 👏 makes me👏 very 👏 sad 👏

non shippy and also staying strictly canon, i love his relationship with melanie!

Favorite headcanon

sometimes i think abt that one hc that hes really good with arcade games bc he lived near the coast and i smile bc thats cute :) also hes a trans man 💙💗🤍💗💙

Peter

First impression

Mystery evil captain man!!! Fog?? I LOVE him :)

Impression now

I STILL LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! Hes an asshole and has a lovely voice and smile and hes not, hes not Dumb but also he's far from the whooooa evil lonely influence he think he is (played like a cheap fiddle). He also makes me sad in ways i cannot and wont describe, and its a shame that he died cuz he was the best part of season 4 😔 rip you beautiful bastard man i still miss you </3

Favorite moment

"It has blood on it" "thats Leitner's too :D". Also when martin was angry abt idk, breekon? Jon going into the coffin? Cant remember, but peter was like I said id protect the institute, that guys not my problem ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idea for a story

dfgdfg i have..... a petermart story that dealt with the different flavor of loneliness they both had, half smut half genuine meta of both of them and theorization on the branching of an Entity & how their powers manifested in other people...

basically, peter thinks hes hot shit when it comes to loneliness but gets overwhelmed when martin accidentally projects his feelings abt *fic's plot stuff* on him, its fun stuff!

Unpopular opinion

people either paint him like an absolute devil or an incompetent idiot and hes neither of them! hes an asshole who loves being an asshole but far from the worst monster in the show and he tried to do a clever scheme TWICE on his life and 1. while it was established that any of the rituals wouldnt work singularly the Silence was still a pretty clever attempt if it weren't for gertrude! and 2. well... he tried to manipulate someone petty and formerly supposed to be a web avatar, again not his fault, cant call him stupid for trying dfgdfg

i Do think hes kinda pathetic in some sense considering his backstory, but more out of personal pity than anything else

Favorite relationship

Canonically speaking him and martin! The pull and push of them was The best thing about season 4! Peter being a quite dangerous avatar and martin, beautiful and scared and kinda feisty, confronting him every chance he gets, peter doing his best to manipulate him and martin letting him believe hes succeeding (even thought, he is, partly). They're fascinating characters to have side by side

Favorite headcanon

Partly canonically speaking him and mikaele salesa :) they do bets together! They're lonely sea men! What else could you possibly want?

Also non shippy i like thinking abt peter's and simon's relationship but thats entirely non canon ♡

Diversity wins! The heir of the lonely is a gay man!

Also I think as every rich household(?) the lukases had many paintings and peter as a kid saw the ones w/ sailing ships and imagined sailing far far away from his family. That and seaman aesthetic fucks, which is why he always has the same vibe going on as an adult. He does Not know half of the things he'd need to know to have a ship though but hey he's rich and thats all he needs

Annabelle

First impression

thats a horrible psychological experiment they're making there D:

Impression now

THATS STILL A HORRIBLE EXPERIMENT AND ANNABELLE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER............. idk! she makes me sad in the same way jon (and to a degree, peter) does! to be a living puppet for the thing that traumatized you as a kid and that later kinda killed you / is the only thing keeping you alive, to be devoted to it scrambling to believe in a higher reason for all of it to happen bc to believe otherwise is............. anyway. i love her, and i feel so so sorry for her

Favorite moment

her "maybe ive never been to the beach" at the end of ehr statement (that i fully believe its bullshit but, yknow, i love that she adds that), most of her convos with martin, her "i told you this might happen" "you did, you did" with mikaele

Idea for a story

i think a lot about her having conversations w/ either mikaele (platonically) or sasha (shippy) and their different points of views and treat with her making her doubt the web a bit

Unpopular opinion

listen, listen, i know it sounds like im woobifying her i Know it but reading the scraps of her story how can i Not feel sorry for her? when the story framed her very similar to jon? the supernatural childhood encounter that gave them arachnophobia and the subsequential joining with an Entity against her will? the fact that both the story and the fans treat her like a spider woman always sat very very bad to me, and the fact that the story itself always framed her like a villain (considering All The Other Characters that get the benefit of the doubt) was extremely disappointing

Favorite relationship

her and mikaele!!!!!!! wish we could have seen more scenes of just the two of them!!!!!! *singing* he is her daaaaaad, hes her dad! boogie boogie boogie! (ok no but like... their offscreen friendship is my favorite thing of season 5 ;_;)

Favorite headcanon

Sigh i dont know...i still think she's scared of spiders which make her current existence harder but thats a sadcanon :/ umm...... i love the idea of mikaele and her cooking together from time to time! Mikaele showing her some plates he used to eat as a kid as he talks stories about his life :) and she listens and sometimes tells a story of her own! its been so long since he had a quasy normal conversation! its weird yet nice!

[mousehole5000]

okay im rewriting tgcf (only in my head im lazy) here are my notes on hua/lian specifically this is long bc fuck it. major spoilers obviously and same trigger warnings as the content of the book

disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer that i dont know anything about the cultural background of anything in tgcf or story tropes etc etc this is just I Think It Would Be Neat If..

there’s not really any reason to keep hc as a kid in the backstory BUT in the story in the intro (which i like narratively) it still says that it was a child who xie lian caught. it’s one of those things that got added to the legend to make xie lian seem even more noble, there are also probably a few other inaccuracies in the intro that get found out as the story progresses. in actuality hc was kind of a known troublemaker to the city guards or whatever or had been in the past. maybe his mother just passed after a long illness and his tumble off the wall was intentional. either way he’s kind of pissed at xie lian for saving him. xie lian is concerned about his health so he has to stay at the palace for a while he recovers and only interacts with xie lian a few times. there is a point where he says out loud all the things about the divide between the rich and the poor that have been illustrated by the scenes with mu qing. feng xin tells him to shut up but mq goes dead silent bc he kind of agrees but can’t say and does have his loyalty to xie lian (its a whole thing) and the resentment begins

also i think young hc’s personality is similar to his personality in the present but a bit more reserved and he’s got like this plucky streak or something. also he is unquestionably gay

anyway hc sneaks out of the palace and xie lian catches him obviously but they have a brief little heart to heart where xie lian is like “look you can go if you want here take this money food” etc and demonstrates that he has actually listened to what hc has to say and hc is like “wow no one other than my mom has ever listened to me in my life so thats what that feels like i kind of like it” and he probably is a bit awestruck by xie lian in different ways and after that is like “okay this kingdom sucks but.. that guys not so bad”

sad ironic sense that if xie lian hadnt ascended until he was older he may have actually be able to do something about the problems in the kindgom but alas we have a cycle to perpetuate

the “take me as the meaning of your life” scene still happens p much the same but xl doesnt recognize hc who is actually now at his lowest point. hc tried to find ways to make things better for people like him but he simply did not succeed (maybe his were efforts quashed by the corrupt authorities? its implied probably) and he’s more disillusioned with the kingdom and life than ever but still is holding on to those memories of xie lian as proof that it doesnt have to be like this but that thread is slipping until!! whose fucking voice is that??? thats right its the one person you ever believed was truly good and went and proved you right by ascending to the heavens at age 17!!! guess its time to stan him forever

anyway hc joins the army but legally or whatever and tbh i would have hated the flower cave scene regardless of anything i just hate any sort of s*x pollen trope or anything so thats gone (they can have a wound tending scene or something tho thats the good shit) and instead we have HL getting overwhelmed by some other demons or something together and xie lian protects hc and they both get injured very badly (maybe hc would lose a limb but im not sure how that would work once hes a ghost so thats on hold for now until i figure it out) and xl is fine but this situation ends up being part of why mq kicks hc out of the army but yes hc still ends up dying on the battlefield anyway </3

the wuming stuff is the same i think but also at some point xl is despairing and says something about that guy he saved from falling and wonders what happened to him and fire ghost wuming is like !!!!! (wait does this happen in canon? honestly it should)

in mount tong’lu i was tempted to actually have hc have a similar moment to the bamboo hat scene with the humans who are trapped in there but im not sure if i just want it to be the same as xie lian’s story... also i like the idea of hc needing to hang onto his devotion to get through his first few centuries of being a ghost so maybe he’s just inspired by xie lian’s sacrifice with the sword and the souls and thats why he claws his own eye out as a sacrifice

so this can go one of two ways from here!!! both are me projecting hardcore so take them with a grain of salt im not saying im right about the way relationships should be these a re just my thoughts <3

1. (the not fun one but it still has a happy ending) the story more or less continues the same as canon. pure and simple devotion is what carries hc through the centuries. we get to see some ghost city antics and its fun but there is nothing complicated about the devotion hc just wants to find xl and protect him. hualian eventually meet. they get along pretty well!! eventually there are cracks. when you hold someone in your mind for so long you have expectations for them that no person can meet consistently. hc thinks that since he’s seen xl during the worst time in his life that he can handle anything but it turns out that as amazing as xl is, he is also just a person and sometimes he is wrong or irrational or annoying. xl is so happy to have someone who will listen to him talk that he kind of neglects to really get to know who hc is as a person and hc is kind of like “huh i didnt expect this but im kind of hurt. i genuinely thought that i just wanted to serve and protect you but actually im my own person and this is weird” but he doesnt say anything he thinks he has to stick to his promise and it gets kind of uncomfortable!! maybe his luck goes haywire bc his faith gets rocked for the first time ever and they end up having to talk it out but their relationship is stronger for it <3

2. (i think this one is fun) hc struggles with waiting. he does it but its hard. he has doubts and when all his efforts to find xl are fruitless he starts to grow bitter and curses the day that xl saved him. his faith burns low but doesnt go out. then ghost city!! hc realizes that he can finally help people like him, even if theyre ghosts now and hes grateful for the chance to do this and grateful to xl and resigns himself to waiting. but its still hard!! he realizes that his luck is tied to his devotion and gets kind of pissed about it!!! he tries to remember all the good things about xl but its hard!!! his search becomes more about repaying a debt so he can be free than anything else, he just wants to help the common people spirits with no strings attached (this actually allows him to keep his luck bc he has the same wish as xl and thats what makes him a true believer!! is this corny? does it make sense? i dont care) and so eventually when he finds xl he’s like okay how quickly can i repay this debt/how can i keep my powers but then xie lian is... so good... and hc actually really likes him he remembers why he swore his devotion in the first place. now hes conflicted!!! dont worry they fall in love tho <3

wow this was really long if you read this hiiiii. anyway when i reread ill try to pay more attention to yin yu and he xuan for hc’s 800 years. hua cheng we’re gonna get you some friends and lore i swear to god

[welcometotheocverse]

🌟 for Elliot pls?

:D aaaah! I’ve had him in the brain a lot lately okay sorry this got long And also im rewatching rn so its sorta season 1ish.

Elliot is Rory’s younger twin. He was given Christopher’s middle name. He’s mostly grateful it was the middle name.

He and Rory are super close. It was just the two of them ( and then Lane) The Twins That Read A Lot. Because they had each other they didn’t have much incentive to make friends outside of each other ( Elliot more than Rory) and extrapolating from the Pilot where Rory doesn’t seem like she has a lot of friends ( or any sans Lane) and is lowkey scoffed at for reading the assignment I’m gonna go with “other kids weren’t that keen on making friends with them either”

Rory’s the talkative one, he’s the quiet one. This is a bit of Rory also being protective of him/noticing when he looks overwhelmed and just...talking up a storm as is her wont and subtly getting attention away from Elliot. For a lot of the early season they’re not seen one without the other ( keeping in mind their arch is to learn it’s okay to have different dreams and even go different places ) 

Sorta shy and a bit more introverted than Rory. Once you become his friend however he pretty much would die for you and his face absolutely lights up when he sees you as opposed to his usual reserved nature and he talks to you albeit not as much as his twin ( unless hes super excited or talking about something he finds interesting then the resemblance kicks in lmao but thats the exception)  its like a switch ( seen with Rory, Luke, and Lane in canon and Sophie/Paige in their xover)

Likes hanging out at Luke’s. They both sorta enjoy... being quiet around each other. Elliot thinks he has a really calming vibe …when Taylor’s not there.

Ms Kim doesn’t like him because he’s a boy so he’s not allowed at Lane’s like Rory is ( honestly the feeling’s mutual bc “I’m pretty  sure locking you up for days and keeping you from school falls under child abuse also wtf” and lowkey the girls are like “lets just keep you not in the house” Lane might be closer to Rory but they still talk music together. She’s part of the reason his music taste actually started deviating  from  Lorelai’s and Rory’s.)

He doesn’t like unfair treatment of other people. It really gets to him. Examples are Ms. Kim to Lane and his grandparents and father to his mom. Later examples are Mitchum Huntzberger, and Marty. ( he’s pretty unimpressed with Marty and how his feelings for Rory make him act in general tbh but what he does with Lucy is just...it really bothers him he’s adamant that  Rory should tell Lucy the truth.)

Highkey  he has about zero patience for bad/toxic parents partly bc of his own feelings about Christopher and to an extent his grandparents that he keeps minimizing so they get projected on...everyone else with bad parents lol.

 Logan’s still a bit amazed that this shy soft spoken kid he met in his junior year went off like “He’s not your fucking property” when Mitchum went on his “You’re available when i say you’re available” tirade ( Elliot was ngl intimidated/scared of Mitchum who pretty much went “Who the hell are you??!” but Logan’s his friend and that wasn’t okay and he kept eye contact with the asshole until Logan diverted his attention back to him/the fight they were having and made sure he at least told Logan afterwards because “but he shouldn’t..” and “he shouldn’t have” and “No! No..it’s not Okay. “)

But also like constantly “it’s not a big deal” when it comes to his aforementioned feelings about Christopher and pretty much anything he might be angry about. 

Lowkey spends a lot of time Rory goes through relationship drama between “????” and “wowww dodged a bullet” Rory throws pillows at him for the latter because “If I’m gonna rant at you El, you could at least give me sympathy.”

He does have some insecurities about his orientation born out of just..f.eeling othered due to isolation and also some stuff he’s heard his dad say.

He figures out he’s asexual before he figures out he’s aromantic and has to deal with a lot of “Are you sure?” and “is that..is that normal?” from some townsfolks before he figures out Luke can scare them off and he lowkey spends a lot of time at the dinner during this time. Luke smiles at him and gives him muffins tho he’ll deny deny deny if you mention it.

A bit more sensitive than Rory like on the pilot episode when he notices Lorelai is worried about Chilton/having to ask her parents for money he stops at the base of the stairs and asks “is...everything okay mom?” and is kinda just in tune with how the people he cares about are feeling/picks up on things like that.

He...doesn’t super like his grandparents because of how they treat his mother.  Emily already made him a bit anxious because of her passive  aggressive nature ( he’s giving me some anxiety vibes tbh) and the fact that he thought the fact that his mom kept them away sorta ominous.  A lot of season 1 is him looking down at his plate and tensing with every “your mother’s golf clubs are in the attic along with the rest of her potential” and Richard’s “he ( Christopher) always was a smart one that  boy, you two must take after  him” and “as a maid with all your brains and talents” and it sorta...yeah he spends a lot of time looking at his plate and swallowing resentment. There are times where it gets better but overall he’s never completely at ease around them. He’s very quiet but civil around them even as he grows some affection and builds bridges with them along Lorelai and Rory. And I haven’t even figured out the fallout with the thing they pull at the wedding.

Emily at least once asked off handedly why Elliot wasn’t seeing anyone and I’m still figuring out if she says something like “that’s not normal” before Lorelai or Rory intervene.

(( Full disclosure Emily reminds me a bit too much of my own relationship with my mom and its really hard to write her favorably though I at least try to be fair. So Elliot is sometimes  a bit harsh on her and very in Lorelai’s corner when Emily and Richard are...less than nice. ))

Sort of a mamma’s boy. Rory and Lorelai have their special connection but so do Elliot and Lorelai. Rory was a bit more extroverted and would play/hang out with Lane while Elliot was perfectly content as a babie curling up with his mom and reading. It worried Lorelai a bit, how hard it was for him to reach out ( she never had that moment she had with Rory and Lane of “my kid has a friend” with him) but he always had Rory yknow so she calmed herself with that. Sometimes when Rory’s with Lane he’ll hang out at the Inn and work there. He somehow got in to Michel’s good graces ( “because you are quiet and unobtrusive”  and got him to teach him French 

Very tactile. When he’s getting nervous Rory will reach out and grab his hand or Lore will put her hands on his shoulder and he’ll calm down. He does the same when wanting to comfort friends or just wanting to show affection ( will lean on Finn and Colin a lot as he gets closer to them or accept that they’ll just throw an arm around him)

Meeting the LAD bridgade kids makes social events with his grandparents so much easier like ohmygod subparties with Logan Colin Finn and Rory  become lifesavers. ( its not so much the drinking as having someone you can laugh with while dodging your grandparents friends and the girl they told to look for you yknow)

He has more resentment towards Christopher than his sister and doesn’t see him with the rose colored glasses Rory sees him in their younger years. His absence hurts him a lot. He hides it well and is nice enough towards him because he loves Lorelai and Rory and wants them to be happy/have a good time but if you catch him on a bad day you might get a rant about how little Christopher knows about them and how little he was there  and “he just drops by, spends like a day with us and leaves yknow...it’s...and we’re supposed to be happy???” and the fact that he doesn’t wanna tell Rory or Lorelai bc he thinks it’ll upset them just  sorta...makes it worse.

And then at some point  Christopher pops off with “and how long are you gonna entertain this phase of his Lore, a boy his age should be dating” and while Rory’s making angry noises and Lorelai’s saying “Outside. Now” ( though they don’t know the twins are listening) he just gets...this thin unsurprised smile and...yeah it’s not great. 

Very supportive of people he loves. He’s constantly telling Rory through the Chilton years that she’s smart enough, more than smart enough to get through this and helps her study. He makes sure he tells Lorelai he loves her or hugs her if he can tell the dinners are a bit hard on her. Honestly a total cream puff. The resentment for his grandparents and father is mostly buried and comes out like when he’s upset/they do something that provokes it. Mostly he’s a really soft boy and kinda soft spoken, loves reading about science and space ( he balances out Rory’s preference for literature and history though they both like poetry and Elliot occasionally reads prose as Rory lets him infodump sometimes about science journals) and loves his friends so so dearly. Will get angry a la Beware The Nice Ones if you hurt them though the first thing he’ll do is comfort them/try to cheer them up.

He loves Stars Hollow but being the only aroace person he knows of there ( and fielding well intentioned “are you sures?” and “oh honey you’ll find someone someday”s and just..alot of early 2000s Star Hollow-ness ( “Hey kiddo you gonna bid on a basket this year?” “oh you’re getting handsome, gonna find yourself a girl for the starlight festival?” “is he..youknow?” is just...a lot? He wants to spread his wings and find his place/people like him/feel less isolated.

He still loves his town though as its his home and raised him his sister and in a way his mother. He visits while he’s at Yale ( the distance helps tremendously as does the ability to just...leave again) like Rory and says hi to Miss Patty and Gypsy and Andrew ( he loves Andrew omg. One of the few people who didn’t just assume he and Rory were always reading the same books) He helps the 30-Something gang find jobs/fine tune resumes  though im not including anything else form ayit and checks in how they’re doing bc..its still his town. They’re his family. “my nuts-o, extended...well meaning but sometimes overly invested and too-pushy-and-slightly-overbearing family.” even as he dreams of getting out a lot and once he does he...really likes it. He loves them

He goes to Yale because Rory goes to Yale (because again the whole Learning To Be Independent From Your Twin...kind of a slow process for him) and gets sibling-adopted by Finn and Colin  in a turn of events he’s pretty much confused over like im p sure they were like “hes ours now” and Elliot was like “im ...you’re...w..what?” and Logan who Knows Finn and Colin is like “don’t fight it” and lowkey adopted him too.

Im cutting myself off bc this got Long and im sorry lol

Thank you so much for the ask <3

send me a ✨ and i’ll tell you about a random OC

[hippocampus-studies]

Hi maybe this is random but im in college and i am so stressed and anxious. How do you overcome study anxiety and the fear of failing. I feel so scared of doing badly and being stupid that i cant do anything sometimes. It feels like a self fulfilling prophecy. Any advice would help thanks✨

Hey!

I’ve dealt a lot with study anxiety over the years, and I know what if feels like to be paralyzed with the fear of failing. It seems like the cycle is pretty universal: you’re scared that you’re going to fail so you have trouble starting whatever you need to do which just makes you more scared and anxious than before. It’s something I’m still trying to work through, but I have some things I’ve picked up that have helped me.

 Have realistic expectations of yourself

Fear of failing has a root in perfectionism. I think college is especially rough for perfectionists because the unfortunate truth is just about everyone fails once or twice in college. I’ve done so more times than I care to admit, and what I’ve realized is that it’s really easy to fall into all-or-nothing thinking about classes. Being 100% perfect and “on” all the time is not realistic, nor is it helpful to completely shut down when things begin to get difficult. Finding some sort of middle ground is not always easy, but I promise it’s achievable. For example maybe you have a bunch of things you need to get done today but they’re all difficult and you can’t figure out which one to do first, and the next thing you know it’s 8pm and you’ve gotten none of them done. Next time that happens, try to rank your to-do list in terms of what needs to get done right away, and what tasks are easiest/fastest to do. Start with the easy tasks to get momentum and then try and do at least one of the urgent tasks. That way even if you only get half of your to-do list done that day it still ends up being more than if you hadn’t started, and it’s likely that it’ll seem more manageable at that point.

 Reach out for help

College has the deceptive ability to make you think that everyone around you is doing fine (especially if you’re in a competitive major or program) but I promise that you’re not the only one of your friends or classmates that is feeling this way. If you have peers in your life that you feel comfortable talking to about this, it can be extremely helpful to know that you are not alone in how you’re feeling. My only caveat is not to fall into what I call the Stress Olympics, which is where you and your stressed-out friends go around and try and compete to see who is the most stressed/under the most pressure. It’s not a helpful thing to do, and while venting to a trusted friend or friends can be great sometimes, if you catch you and your peers trying to one-up each other to see who is the most busy or who has had the least amount of sleep, you’re just going to end up making all of yourselves more stressed and worried than when you started.

It’s also worth it to talk to professors or school counselors. A lot of colleges offer counseling/life coaching, and most of them have been trained specifically to help with student-oriented issues (test anxiety, overcoming perfectionism, etc.).

Talking to professors can also be helpful! Most have had students that have felt overwhelmed by the workload or the subject matter, and most are also much more likely to work with you in terms of extensions for papers, extra tutoring, etc. if you go and talk to them in person. I know it’s really scary, (I still get nervous every time I go to office hours if I’m being honest) but most professors genuinely want to see you succeed in their class, and the more you’re open with them the more they’re willing to work with you.

 Organization!

Okay I know there are about a million organization masterposts on studyblr so I won’t go too much into it, but there a couple things I’ve found to be very helpful. I’ve noticed that I end up getting more overwhelmed when I find dates for exams and projects creep up on me unexpectedly, so I have a set of calendars printed off (just from google, nothing too fancy) and the only thing I put on them is when all of my quizzes and exams are, when my projects are due, and other relevant dates for the semester (holidays, days off, etc.). I check it once a week when I put my weekly schedule together so I’m never caught off-guard by quizzes and exams that are a couple weeks down the road.

The other thing I do is make sure all my papers for my classes are organized. I have a pending box on my desk, and every couple of days I go through the papers in them and either recycle them or put them in a binder for the respective class. That way all my study material is in one place, and I’m not sifting through other classes when trying to study or work on a paper, nor do I lose papers at the bottom of my backpack.

 Take care of yourself

Another thing that can lead to the paralyzation of procrastination is burnout. Taking care of yourself is incredibly hard in college, but it’s also one of the most important things you can do. Self-care usually falls into three broad categories: 

Physical—this is usually what people think about when it comes to self-care: eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. The important thing to remember is that physical self-care looks different depending on the person. Not everyone has the energy to work out every day, and some people need more or less sleep than others. The important thing to do is listen to your body, especially when it comes to sleep—neuroscientists have shown that sleep is imperative for cognitive function like memory, so I would always advise getting the extra few hours of sleep instead of trying to cram in a little more studying.

Mental—taking care of your mental health is one of the most important things you can do to avoid burnout, but I also think it’s one of the hardest things to do. Humans are not machines; we cannot be switched on 24/7, and we need time to do things beside studying or working. My  advice is to try and do at least one thing a day that you would classify as taking care of your mental health, whether it’s taking a 20 minute study break to watch rip vine compilations on youtube or taking an unplanned nap in the middle of the day. If you have some sort of a creative outlet like drawing or singing or cooking, it’s a great idea to try and carve out a little bit of time every week (even if it’s just half an hour) to express yourself creatively.

Social—whether you consider yourself to be more introverted or extroverted, spending time with people you care about is imperative to avoiding burnout. Finding friends in college can be hard, but I know that a great way to find people with common interests is to join clubs—specifically clubs that aren’t about your major or career. I’m in a voter advocacy club despite the fact that I’m a STEM major that will not academically benefit from being in the group.  What’s infinitely more important is that I have a time once a week where I get to talk with friends about a subject that brings me joy and passion without ever bringing up my major or classes. Finding a group like that, whether it’s a friend group or a club or an intramural sports team, is going to help you in the long run far more than that extra hour of studying a week.

Just get started

This is the hardest thing on the list, in my opinion. The reason that studying anxiety can lead to procrastination is the mindset that you have do whatever you’re doing perfectly or it isn’t valid at all, and I can’t put into words how important it is to try and break that mindset. Just starting something, even if it isn’t perfect, or even if it’s starting to study later than you’d rather, is so, so much better than doing nothing. The moment you try and start doing what you’re doing, even if it isn’t perfect, is the moment you start to beat the perfectionist/procrastination mindset.

It’s easy to fall into the anxiety➡procrastination➡working too hard to make up for what you missed➡burnout➡procrastination cycle, but one of the best ways to break out of it is to not be too hard on yourself if you get anxious or procrastinate. Remind yourself that you’re human and you’re allowed to be imperfect. If you make mistakes or procrastinate along the way, make sure to speak gently to yourself—being unnecessarily harsh with yourself is only going to hurt you in the long run, and one of the best things you can do for yourself is to do your best to be kind to yourself.

 These are just some things I’ve picked up over the last couple of years. If anyone else has something I missed please feel free to add it, but otherwise keep ur head up bby!! College is hard but I promise you’ll get through it 🌱

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

National Boss Day [h.s.]

- part I -

“But Harry had really gotten hooked on her when he asked her about how she was under pressure and Y/N answered by comparing herself to the calm and collectiveness of a wolf hunting its prey. Her specific words were, ‘On all levels except physical, I am a wolf.’ and he immediately recognized where the quote was from. He’s not ashamed to say that he’s stayed up pretty late on work nights watching RIP Vine compilations.

To her comment, Harry then answered with a huge, goofy grin and a small, squeaky bark like the one in the video referenced and any nerve-derived ice between them immediately broke down.” 

or Y/N is Niall’s right-hand and Big Boss Styles claims to be the Gordon Ramsey of coffee cakes.

A/N: hello ladies and germs!! this is the long anticipated boss!harry fic that has been in the works for a bit and as i was reading through it, i realized how long it was and decided to break it down into parts so that you guys could at least get most of it as the rest gets finished up (and doing this will also push me to finish it faster bc i’ll have it out already). feedback is always welcome and thank you so much for your support! i love you all so much and i hope you enjoy the first installment! p.s.- im sorry if tumblr is wack and doesn’t put the “keep reading” but i promise i put one

rating: uhhh i’d say pg-13 bc there’s no smut but there’s mentions of Mature Content™ eskeet

word count: about 2.6k

masterlist : ask

///

Working as a secretary for a member of a company’s board has it perks, Y/N could say. 

She’s a key part in the business since she has to deal with organizing the corporation’s system, handling the dozens of phone calls that the business gets, keeping the big people on track with their schedules, doing interviews on behalf of the company, visiting schools and colleges and career fairs to inform the public of how their business works, helping plan, set up, and execute professional events and banquets— the list goes on. It’s not an easy job, but it’s one with a purpose and when it comes to a career, purpose is everything. It has just the right amount of responsibilities to give her work meaning, but it’s not too overwhelming to the point where she can’t handle it. It’s what she likes to refer to as a healthy challenge. 

The job’s perks elevate even higher since Y/N’s employer also happens to be one of her closest friends. Thanks to Niall, days at the office aren’t a complete and total bore. He cares about her, therefore he doesn't’ treat her like shit, which some (most) bosses tend to do. Alongside that, he makes working fun thanks to his witty, happy-go-lucky sense of humor and his knack for telling her all the dirty gossip circulating around the business’s higher powers (to which they like to refer to as King Styles’ Round Table).

But with every job, just as there are ups, there are bound to be downs. That down happens to be a six-foot British curly-haired brunette, who likes to flaunt sheer dress shirts that show off his plethora of enticing tattoos along with his lean arms, who wears tight slacks that expose his beautifully thick thighs perfectly, who sports expensive custom-made Gucci loafers, and who trails the sweet yet tangy scent of Tom Ford all around the office building.

The thing about downs is that most downs can be surpassed, but it’s a little hard to best this one when he runs the fucking company.

It’s even harder because Y/N sees Harry quite often since she is the one who’s always delivering Niall’s paperwork and business files, sometimes even attending the board meetings on his part when Niall can’t make it.

It’s hard because there’s always been an underlying tension between her and Harry ever since they laid eyes on each other. Y/N could feel it when they shook hands for the first time— the way he gave the gesture slowly, as if trying to make it last. As if he wanted to keep their fingers interlocked for as long as possible. She could feel it in how when she had talked to him about her experience in the field, he was absentmindedly chewing on his bottom lip as he watched her own with intense concentration, which had made her cheeks sting, much to his amusement. But Harry had really gotten hooked on her when he asked her about how she was under pressure and Y/N answered by comparing herself to the calm and collectiveness of a wolf hunting its prey. Her specific words were, “On all levels except physical, I am a wolf.” and he immediately recognized where the quote was from. He’s not ashamed to say that he’s stayed up pretty late on work nights watching RIP Vine compilations.

To her comment, Harry then answered with a huge, goofy grin and a small, squeaky bark like the one in the video referenced and any nerve-derived ice between them immediately broke down. For the rest of the session, they strayed from the normal interview etiquette and talked about funny videos and memes on social media and he can confidentially say it is the best interview he’s ever given. Y/N was something else. The sweet, witty, funny something else that he felt the company needed to— that he needed, as well, to keep himself from losing his youth to the business world. All in a professional sense, of course.

When the interview had been over, Harry had gotten up and given Y/N’s hand another shake, the corners of his pretty rose lips quirking upwards into a smile that was borderline childish and genuine and full of awed interest in this random girl who had run into his office in Adidas slides and changed into heels in the bathroom, all without realizing that she’d almost toppled into him on his way to the elevator.

His voice had been deep, accent annunciating every syllable to utter crisp perfection as he regarded her with entertained wonder. “I really look forward to having you on board.”

Within all the quirky behavior they shared in the company, Harry’s interest in her became a bit more sensual as his tiny, endearing crush grew into him being utterly, shamefully whipped. Their exchanges became speckled with intense moments that suggested lascivious intentions, and Y/N can’t say she wasn’t fond of them. It had gone on the entire time Y/N had worked for his corporation to the point where she craved these longing instances because she had become deeply invested in Harry just as much as he was towards her, though neither of them knew it yet simply because they did not intend to act upon their feelings.

Lingering stares shared across the large conference room table. Lame jokes exchanged in the break room as he touched her hip lightly, reaching over her to grab the powder creamer from the cabinet up top, his chest pressing against her back as she let out a light gasp at his close proximity. Opening the door for her every chance he got, “accidentally” bumping into one another in the elevator, having lunch in his office together when the two stayed back do to project pile-up.  

Their relationship even went outside of the office. Since they worked together, they had the same friend group and therefore were bound to see each other all the time.    

The tension between the both of them amplified after last year’s Christmas party at Niall’s place, where Harry had gotten drunk off his ass and come up behind Y/N while she was grabbing another bag of ice from the cooler in Niall’s garage.

Harry had pressed up behind her, big, warm, shaky hands perching on her hips, groping the material of her new maroon velvet jeans.

Y/N had flipped around, gasping quietly as he shoved her up against the cement wall, the cold air from the cooler rising in a heavy fog, contrasting Harry’s warm body and making goosebumps wash across her skin.

He had bitten his deep red lip with raw need, eyes hazy but bright with arousal as the alcohol clouded his inhibitions, flicking across different points of her face and stopping at her lips, letting out a soft moan. “God, they look absolutely delicious.”

One of his hands came up to cup Y/N’s face, his thumb swiping over her bottom lip slowly, eyes lulling shut at the electricity that passed from the ridges of her skin to his. When he speaks, his voice is low and throaty with a whimpery undertone. “Nice and plump and so soft...Bet y’taste so sweet— bet y’taste like honey.”

“Harry...” Her voice is small but stern as she clings to his wrist in protest, as forced as it may be.

Y/N wants him just as bad as he wants her— especially now, in his tight black jeans and expensive olive-green and crimson Gucci Christmas sweater, hair fluffed into a soft quiff and he smells so fucking good it should be criminal— smells like cinnamon and musky cologne and the faint scent of chamomile shampoo. Especially when he’s oozing sex appeal and sheer need, even while looking so cute with little rain deer ears propped on his head, the tiny bells twinkling faintly with his movements.

But Y/N can’t. She can’t because he’s drunk and it would feel like she’s taking advantage of him and that’s not fair.

“We can’t, Har.”

He let’s out a tiny, soft groan at the name, his cock twitching in his pants at how good it sounds rolling off her tongue. He loves the way her mouth forms his name, so delicately and affectionate and innocent. It makes both his heart and prick throb and all he can think about is Y/N whimpering it in his ear as he rams himself against her sweaty thighs.

“Please, Y/N? Been wanting you for ages. I just...jus’ this once? Here, and now? I’ll take you right here on top of the cooler and make you feel so good you won’t regret it.” His lips drift closer to her’s, his Tom Ford cologne wafting up from his neck and causing her knees to buckle at his intoxicatingly alluring scent. “Fuck you so good you won’t ever forget it.”

With a painful gaze and a half-sane mind, Y/N slowly pries his big hands from her body, clutching his fingers with emotion to communicate how much it hurts to reject his offer. “I’m sorry, H, but we just can’t.”

His brows had knitted in discontent sadness, his pretty rose lips tilting down in a hurt-filled grimace. But eventually, with sad reluctance, he’d moved to the side and let her go.

She had scurried up the steps to rejoin the party, hands trembling as she clutched the cold bag of ice to her heated body, hoping it would help cool her off.

When Harry had come back up stairs, he covered up the incident pretty well, although he was in a dampened mood the rest of the night. At times, Y/N caught him staring at her with longing, only to embarrassingly flit his gaze away when she looked over, trying to hide the flush in his cheeks.

They both went on pretending like that encounter never happened, but in his defense, she assumes he’d been so sloshed he probably didn’t even remember it.

And now Y/N stands here in the mail room, months after, on National Boss Day of all days, sifting through all of the board members’ mail and organizing it into piles (it’s her turn this week according to the rotation her and the other secretaries had derived).

Everything’s going fine and dandy until Harry waltzes into the small room, in search for his round of mail for the day. He had been getting back from a quick lunch at the falafel place down the street when he’d decided to swing by, wanting to save whoever was in charge of mail today a trip to his office.

But when he saw her standing there, carefully eyeing the small, slanted, tricky handwriting on an envelope, he couldn’t help but crack a teeny, amused grin as a certain giddiness fluttered in his chest.

“Y’know, there’s these things called ‘glasses’ nowadays. They work absolute wonders.”

Y/N jumps slightly with a squeak of surprise, whipping around with a wild look tainting her features. When she sees him giggling softly in the corner, sipping his vanilla chai with the corners of his lips tilted up around the brim of the cup, she gives him a playful scowl.

“Oh, hush.”

He weighs towards sticking around a bit, chatting with her about some new movies that have come out in theaters, well aware that one of her favorite things in the world is going to the cinema. The conversation is cheery and comfortable as he leans back against one of the sturdy shelves, arms crossed over his broad chest with his biceps chiseling into the expensive fabric of his dress shirt, an effortlessly cocky smirk plastered on his face for no apparent reason.

That’s one thing about Harry. He has a certain aura of unwavering confidence about him that borderlines arrogance in the hottest way possible; but in reality, he’s the sweetest dolt to ever walk the earth. Y/N had mentioned it before and his explanation was that in this business, one has to appear naturally self-assured and “edging towards assholey” to guarantee others’ respect. He’d commented that after a while, the façade just melted into his DNA and that he does it often without even noticing.

But she knew he was aware of it now— that he was doing it on purpose. Y/N knew because she could feel his cheeky gaze prickling her cheeks with heat as she struggles to detach two envelopes that had glued themselves together, trying not to rip either. Y/N knew because when he reaches over and takes said envelopes from her hands and frees them with one simple tug, the conceited simper he gives her is also complimented by a jesting quirk of his thick brows.   

“Shut up.” She grumbles, snatching the papers from him and chucking them in their designated piles, trying her best not to stare at the large array of fancy rings hugging his fingers. He has three on one hand and four on the other and she can’t fathom how hands could be big enough to make those expensive, chunky rings look so small.

“I didn’t even say anything!” He laughs, pouting his pretty lips with faux hurt. “That’s not very nice.”

“You’re not very nice.” Y/N mocks in a high-pitched voice, scrunching her nose into a silly face.

“I beg to differ.” He exclaims adamantly. “I’m very nice. Just ask any girl I’ve been with. I make them breakfast, do the laundry, vacuum, clean the bathrooms— the bathrooms, Y/N.”

“You poor baby.”

“And I’m pretty giving when it comes to other things, as well, but we won’t get into that.” He waves a hand dismissively in the air. “It’s not necessarily appropriate office banter.”

She lets out a light laugh, a bit forced at the sly tone of his comment.          

Somehow, Harry has ended up uncomfortably close to Y/N, his nose inches from the side of her face. His cologne fans over her and she’s suddenly flashed back to that moment so many weeks ago in Niall’s garage, the familiar scent sending her nerves into a frenzy.

The same bubbling starts to boil at the pit of Y/N’s stomach— the same feeling of anxious excitement that came with having Harry so close, with his interests set on her and only her.

When he speaks, his voice is a low drawl, every word annunciated by his accent, dripping with taunting suggestiveness. “Maybe I can show you one day.”

“Yeah, just maybe.” Y/N laughs softly, pushing the sentence out with difficulty, trying to make nothing of the situation.

“Maybe...” Harry leans his head to the side slightly, trying to catch her eye, and suddenly his mood changes completely from one of sexual tension to his normal, airy, light-hearted self. “Maybe today, it being National Boss Day and all. Mind treating me to your company for some coffee cake tonight at my place?”

Y/N gives him a wary glance.

“Just as a token of gratitude for your oh-so nice and giving boss.” His tone has lost it’s predatory edge, helping relieve some of her stress. “Just one slice. Made it myself last night. It would really hurt my feelings if you turned me down without even giving it a chance.”

He pouts childishly, pretending to sniffle, whimpering softly.

The young secretary rolls her eyes. “God, I hate you, y’know that?”

“I’m your boss. You’re supposed to hate me.”

[th3okamid3mon]

Anxiety is more harmful than Deceit [A ramble because I can, also SPOILERS]

Ok, so.

At the beginning of Sanders Sides, i enjoyed all the characters. Obviously i had my dislikes and likes. I´ve comment before that i dont like Patton and Roman that much, I enjoy their antics and their characteristics, and i know they try their best. The problem i have is that they do not take some things too seriously, well... just Patton, Roman is actually getting more serious so i dont mind him a lot. But Patton is always trying to light up the mood when everything CLEARLY IS FUCKING FALLING INTO PIECES. 

Logan has been my favorite so far, of course he has his moments like when he cannot understand whats going on and pretends to not have feelings but then i remember who he is. He needs to be serious. He reminds me a lot of me, with explosive anger and all, although he has that ¨I am better than you¨ vibe that i dont like (Im not egotistical, im more selfish, pretty sure thats different) 

Now Anxiety... Everyone loves a good villain. I understand that Thomas wanted to...redeem him? But i dont think that was good. 

When Accepting Anxiety came out i was surprised. ¨why would you redeem mental illness?¨ My opinion has a lot to do with me projecting so bare with me: I have social anxiety and depression. Anxiety has been the death of me since i was little.  If i was late at class, i could not enter the classroom out of fear of everyone laughing, i could not defend myself from people, i could not talk to my parents bout how teachers were screaming at me and inflicting physical pain at me because i would think they would laugh or get mad at me. 

It was a shitshow. 

Im an adult now and i still get overwhelm with something similar (More like... I think someone will get inside my house or in my classroom and will kill everyone, but my depression always hits me like hMmmmmmidontcare) 

Anxiety during his time in screen, has acted rough and then started to act a bit better towards others. Sure he has his times like the Christmas Halloween episode in which he tried to scare everyone and such. But... Anxiety is still bad. As a character, sure he is cool and adorable in my opinion, but as the mental illness he is, he is fucking awful. Scare the living crap out of someone because of no fucking reason? What the hell? Why would anyone like to live with that? I understand accepting that thats part of you and it might never leave is a next step to get healthy and its way better than denying but it doesnt take the fact that its horribly to leave in constant fear of everything. 

WHATS THAT SHADOW I SEE THERE? A MURDERER? A GHOST? A MONSTER? WHATS IN MY DRINK? DID SOMEONE RUFFIED IT?

IS SOMEONE FOLLOWING ME? IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW? IS SOMEONE KILLING SOMEONE? IS SOMEONE TRYING TO ROB THE HOUSE? IS SOMEONE TRYING TO GET INSIDE THE HOUSE? IS SOMEONE INSIDE MY HOUSE WITHOUT ME KNOWING? ARE THEY HIDING SOMEWHERE?

Ive fucking lived with those types of thoughts constantly, pretty sure the character of Thomas would think shit like this. How is that helpful? They tried to point out the goods of Anxiety, i still think its a shit show that you had to check at least 5 times if you close the door, 5 times if you grabbed your wallet, 5 times if you had the keys of your home and other 5 times to see if you made sure you check the whole house in search of someone that might be living there without you knowing (ok that one was just me, I constantly check the whole house because i started hearing noises and then my dog barks and then the doors close and open and i get paranoid and all SEE HOW IT ISNT FUNNY? NOR COOL IF ANXIETY IS JUST SEEN AS THE FUCKIN MENTAL ILLNESS?) 

Now Deceit, he is the lying part of one self. Deceit was probably the one making Thomas lie to himself bout Anxiety but in the video... Deceit made a point: ¨Is it me the one who is making you sin or did you convince yourself that i was all me?¨ One of the errors Thomas is making is viewing Deceit as something else, something out of him, not seeing the possibility of him being a liar. Deceit is trying to make him look its ok to be a liar because everyone lies, Logan even said that in Can LYING be good? Anxiety is constantly there trying to fuck your day up, but Deceit? He appears in times of need, because he functions too as self preservation, he tries to give Thomas certain ways to keep his friends so he doesnt loose them. In the video Selfishness vs Selflessness he actually ask a normal question: DO YOU WANT THE PART OR NOT? Deceit not only wants Thomas to be truth to himself, he wants him to see the path been told by Patton isnt the only one. And Ok maybe he was a bit tough and less direct, I think Deceit needs to work on his communication skills, but he did tried to make it is easy to understand, not only that Deceit actually tried to listen too. When Logan said bout which will be more harmful to Thomas and said loosing the wedding Deceit was surprise but kept asking so he could understand. I know he had an agenda but the agenda was, in his point of view, to serve Thomas.

Anxiety was always trying to not let him be listen because he hates him a lot. He didnt tried to put something useful in the table, he just didnt want Deceit there. (If Logan was there they could have probably get a more suitable decision.) Let´s not forget that people tend to lie more when they are anxious to get out of situations, so if Thomas tends to lie it would have been due to desperation, not knowing which else to decide. He even was fine on lying because he really wants to go to the Callback, IF HE WENT TO THE WEDDING HE WOULDNT EVEN PAID ATTENTION, THATS NOT NICE. 

Anxiety does not help as much as everyone makes it look like, by fearing loosing friends it harms Thomas more than whatever Deceit was saying. Being selfish from time to time isnt harmful, it is by nature. And maybe lying wasnt even the point to Deceit, he just wanted to make sure Thomas knew he could be selfish and that´d be ok. From all Sanders Sides, we havent seen Thomas take care of himself properly, maybe that´s why Deceit has shown up. 

[iiimber]

Hey!! No worries, you weren't late at all, just busy :) also I love you, thanks for being willing to write this. So uh I don't have too many specifics, just fluff really and comfort. I've been really overwhealmed with a lot lately and I feel like im letting someone down if I don't keep up, so I end up putting a lot on my plate and struggling through. It finally caught up to me these last two days now and I've been STRESSED. Thanks again love :) -Dave anon

oof yeah i understand this feeling pretty well, so i’m happy to do it! just try to keep pushing the thought that you’re only human, and it’s okay to take breaks and keep at your own pace. I hope things start to settle down for you too, i’ll be thinkin about u!!

“I’m home.”

The door closes shut as Dave walks in, kicking his shoes off towards the corner and ignoring the fact that you’ll scold him for not being tidy later. The apartment is quiet, dark besides the setting sunlight drifting through the spaces in between the blinds. Your bag laying on the kitchen counter haphazardly is the only sign of you being home.

With how dead the apartment was, Dave could only guess you were laying down in your shared bedroom-- snoozing the evening away. He couldn’t blame you; you had worked doubles all weekend and had a long shift that day too. Red eyes meet the stack of papers that he assumed was homework on the dinner table-- you’ve been slaving away on that as well, apparently.

A deep sigh left his nose, shoving his shades up on his head as he maneuvered through the dimly lit halls. The bedroom door was open, and Dave was both surprised and not surprised to see you not tucked in bed-- but rather pacing the floor while combing fingers through your hair. He knew from the moment you told him you were taking up extra hours, and from when you mentioned quite a few projects due-dates were coming up-- that he’d find you freaking out like this sooner or later.

You look stressed, of course. Your panic is strong enough to leave a thick cloud of tension overhead; bearing down on him unpleasantly enough that he starts to feel uneasy too. He’s known you long enough and been with you even longer to know you’ve finally hit the breaking point, and he know it’s his job to ground you again and set you back on track.

Dave has no problem with his. Despite not being the most empathetic or emotional person, there’s still times where he finds himself worn thin and ready to explode. Trying to hide if from you at first proved to be dangerous and unacceptable; he was your boyfriend now and fuck his overwhelming need to bottle everything up. He was going to learn to confide in you no matter what.

It’s only fair, that he offers the same thing to you.

“Yo, chill out for a moment; I can like, literally feel your brain melting.”

It seems like you hadn’t heard him when he called out his arrival earlier, as you whip around with wide eyes to see your boyfriend standing in the door way. There’s a brief flash of guilt in your eyes, but he catches it. Dave knows exactly what that means, and he’s not about to let you dig that hole again.

The man makes his way to you briskly, head nodding towards the bed in a silent interaction. You are watching him wearily as he climbs in the sheets; leaning back against the head bored and watching you with patient eyes

”I can’t right now Dave, I’ve got that essay-”

“That’s due next week, you told me. Relax.” He pats the spot next to him, and you finally comply-- knowing that denying him will just result in your boyfriend annoying you until you give in. The bed, usually like heaven against your achy body and tired mind, feels like it’s caging you from more important things. Doubt starts settling in again, having to hold back tears.

“If I-” Your throat closes, and you have to take a moment to get some air in your lungs and relax. Your body finally chills out, but your brain is still a ways away. “If I stop...then I’m letting myself get behind, and if I don’t go into work, I’m letting my coworkers down.” 

Dave leans back a bit farther as you settle between his legs, resting his hands against your waist while you laid against his chest. He feels your body trembling, but you’re doing a good job keeping everything at bay-- he’s not super happy with that, you need to let it out.

“Am I...am I letting you down?”

This question is often brought up when you spiral down like this. It used to make him uncomfortable, as he didn’t quite understand how to comfort you without sounding fake or mean. It’s easy now, and luckily all you need his is blunt honestly.

“You’re freakin’ me out with how hard you’re pushin’ yourself.” A shaky sigh breaths against his collarbone. “Like great, you’re a hard worker and all-- let’s make this bread, but,” Nimble fingers squeeze your hips, chin resting on the top of your head. “Not giving yourself a break and constantly pushin’ yourself is only going to make everything harder.”

Your shoulders start to shake-- something he expected and is prepared for as he holds you closer. Your coping mechanism for stress, was to stress yourself out more-- more and more until you break down like this. He doesn’t get it but that’s who you are; the least he could do was lessen the stress at least a little.

There’s tears staining his shirt but he doesn’t care, papping your head gently while you wept and let out the frustration that had been building for awhile. Dave handled your overwhelmed and insecure phases the same way every time-- noting that he was worried, and while he appreciates your handwork...

There’s always the difference of having a good work ethic and taking on more than you can handle. It’s clear that sometimes you can’t see that line.

When you settle down, breathing softly and feeling absolutely worn out-- Dave presses a quick kiss against your head. His fingers slide down to your back pocket, slipping your phone out (smirking as his touch against your ass made you jump).

“What’re you doing?” Blearily looking up at him while he taps away at your screen, you have a suspicion, and the anxiety settles in your stomach again. “Dave, no--”

“Relax, I’m texting the group chat to see if someone can cover your shift tomorrow-- I’m not calling off for you.” Red eyes meet your own briefly, looking over your tear streaked face and tired eyes with concern. “But if no one answers, at least consider skipping.”

“Dave! You know I can’t-”

“I said consider.” His tone is final, tossing your device to the side and tugging you back against him. There’s more you want to say but he doesn’t let you-- hands rubbing up and down your back and humming slightly. He’s being sweet though, so you can appreciate that.

Lips, chaste and smooth press back against your forehead-- sighing against your skin as you lean into his kiss. Dave is holding you close, keeping quiet for the most part. His touches mean much more than his words though-- soft and comforting, you can really feel his concern and affection through the way his fingers press against your achy spine.

“You’re doin’ fine; you don’t have to push yourself too much, everyone is going to understand when you gotta chill for a bit.” Pushing you back down against the mattress, Dave pulls the covers of you and slings one arm back around your waist. “Just take a breather for tonight; You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

“Promise?” The tone is playful, but there’s a slight need to hear him say it.

“I’ll fuckin’ pinky promise if you need me to. Cross my heart hope to die kind of shit.” His nose presses against your neck. “Swear on that crow who flew into middle school windows’ grave.”

“You could’ve just stuck with an ‘I promise’, you fucking weirdo.”

[marginalgloss]

r&R

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh has had fine reviews everywhere I’ve looked. I found it hard to fault. It’s funny, bleak, and strangely elusive. It is in some ways an uncomplicated realist novel, but in its dedication to cold, calculated bouts of absurdity, it slips away from straightforward analysis. It has the feeling of an extended joke — like a very long episode of a sitcom based around a very dark idea, which only briefly permits the reader to glimpse into the depth in between bouts of audience laughter.

At the start of the story it is 2000, and our narrator is about to settle down for a year of heavy rest. She is quite clear about her intentions. She wants to spend the best part of her days asleep (often for about fifteen or sixteen hours) because that is where she is most comfortable. This is not a suicide attempt: initially it seems more like a gentle parody of current rhetoric around the rituals of ‘self-care’. 

She will still eat, sleep, and perform the usual human ablutions; the rest of her waking hours will be dedicated to watching movies on her VCR. In this, she will be aided by her eccentric therapist, who is only too happy to provide her with a vast array of antidepressants in between bouts of quackery. Money is not a problem either — the book is keen to explain that the narrator lives in a central New York apartment without a concern for rent, and her parents have left her a substantial inheritance to pay the bills. (Her parents are, incidentally, both dead.)  

It was, I suppose, the right time for me to be reading this kind of thing. I don’t find this time of year especially easy for a variety of reasons; a few weeks ago I came down with a minor eye complaint, and the treatment for that has my vision partly blurred by dilating steroid drops. Not being often ill, this has left me feeling out of sorts, like a perpetual convalescent stuck between getting better and getting worse. There is a strange tension between wanting to be an idle person and knowing I am not really capable of it. When my alarm goes off in the mornings for work I propel myself out of bed whether I want to go or not. The motivator is less dedication than it is anxiety; fear of lateness, failure, and various kinds of redundancy. And when I’m not at work, my chosen pastimes are ideal for the kind of person who wants to pretend they are switching off when in fact they are simply shifting their brain into a different gearing for a different kind of work. All this is to say that the idea of a year of R&R, aided by a serious arsenal of chemical downers, starts to seem pretty appealing at this time of year. 

For many pages, it’s unclear why the narrator is actually doing this. A reader might associate staying in bed all day and stunning oneself with a vast array of drugs with words like: depression, failure, anxiety, grief — at one end illness, at the other end melancholy. But the narrator is very careful and deliberate in the way she expresses herself. ‘Depression’ doesn’t really come into it: there is nothing so banal, so obvious, as a declaration of feeling bad. Perhaps the feeling of badness has ceased to be overwhelming and it is now only whelming. It is the thing in which she is submerged, and it is so very much all around her that she has ceased to think of it as worth talking about. Instead she would rather go to sleep. 

Things, however, don’t go entirely to plan. Despite her best efforts she is rarely alone: her best friend Reva has a habit of appearing at unexpected moments, with a considerable amount of emotional baggage in tow. And the cocktail of drugs she is taking leaves her with gaps in her memory. Sometimes she finds evidence of having gone out and come home while believing herself to be ‘asleep’; she stumbles on IM chat logs on her computer that she doesn’t recall having; she finds bags of expensive clothing piled up in her apartment, all bought while she was unconscious. A different book might have used this as the prompt for a mystery story about what the narrator’s other self gets up to when her real self is asleep, but here, much of this is allowed to be inconsequential. 

Again, this feels like a very deliberate contradiction to similar stories about a ‘shut-in’ personality. While reading this I thought often of Money by Martin Amis, which was another novel chiefly concerned with scenes of shocking excess; that book used the same conceit of missing memories, which became the trigger for a descent into Hitchcock-esque paranoia. There’s also The Enormous Space, a short story by J. G. Ballard where the main character chooses to lock himself inside his suburban home as a sort of life experiment; boredom and desperation drive his thoughts relentlessly inward until the dimensions of his surroundings appear to change out of all rational proportion, and a kind of madness takes hold. 

Moshfegh’s novel does none of this: the narrator’s drug-induced nocturnal excursions are simply permitted to occur. They are not permitted to be mysterious. This is a book which is not at all surprised by the idea that many of us (perhaps all of us) have lives which exist in the dark side of our waking lives; it would not be right to call them unconscious thoughts, since they become all too real in the execution; they happen, and ought to be seen as another side to ourselves, and not like the sinister shadow to our ego. 

 A few words about the setting. It is the early 00s; the internet is there, but is of peripheral importance. DVDs are starting to become a thing, but the fact that the narrator actively spurns them in favour of VHS tapes seems important. There’s something about the act of going and getting the tapes that is a thing for her: it is one of the few active motivations she has for leaving her apartment. But those tapes also dealt with time in a different way to DVDs. Each one was like a complete wedge of duration unto itself; you could fast-forward and rewind, but it was clumsy and difficult; they were designed to be consumed from start to finish, in one sitting. DVDs contained multitudes of scenes, angles, options; tapes were somehow so much more one thing. 

There’s something worth saying about the kinds of movies the narrator spends her hours watching. These are very much ‘movies’, not ‘films’. Their names must be familiar even if you’ve never seen them. They come from a certain stable of middlebrow, middle-of-the-road, late 80s and early 90s repertoire; today you might see them today in the early afternoon or late at night, on a TV channel in a foreign hotel. They’re chosen not because they are great, but because they are fine. They have a passable quality. Broadly, they’re anaesthetic, and antiseptic: they only allow as much feeling is as required, and for their duration they suppress unhappiness as long as the attention is held. Whoopi Goldberg is the particular object of the narrator’s affections, for complicated reasons which seem to have something to do with her inimitable charisma. Whoopi is so utterly unmistakeable, never less than absolutely herself; always involved in the world around her, always a pleasure to be around. She is the complete opposite to the narrator.

The book’s treatment of movies made me think of the film Brigsby Bear, which the main character is imprisoned by his family in a bunker entirely isolated from the rest of society, with his only experience of popular culture being a TV show filmed, directed and voiced by his father. In the same way, this novel paints a picture of a person who is the prisoner in part of a certain kind of entertainment. But that film ended with the protagonist making the entertainment his own, and in doing so finding his place in a larger community. My Year of Rest and Relaxation offers nothing so consoling. The narrator of Moshfegh’s novel actually does something similar — she offers herself up to an artist, and allows him to enter her apartment while she sleeps to make herself into a kind of art project. It’s a bizarrely specific kind of gesture: a conscious surrendering of one’s own unconscious. It’s uncomfortable: consensual, but with limited understanding of the outcome. Does anything come of it? It’s unclear. It feels more like an inversion of the idea that creativity can be a route out of depression: what if, instead, I had someone do the creating for me, while I slept? What would that feel like? 

The expectation with a book like this is for the whole thing to move towards a conclusion where the narrator comes to understand the error of her ways. She will dump the drugs, lose the crackpot shrink, and perhaps come to achieve a degree of what some people call ‘closure’. None of this is what happens here. The most we can say is that over time she realises some things about her relationship with her parents, and she comes to regard the people around her with a little less active contempt (especially Reva). Is she a better, more capable human being? Possibly not. But it would be hard to argue that there wasn’t some benefit in all that time spent out of mind.