#If nobody will feed me then fine I'll do it myself

[honeyspotpie]

Even in our post-season 2 fandom out of all the teens I see the least content centered on Link WHICH IS SO FREAKING UNFORTUNATE. Why are people so blind... THE POTENTIAL FOR HIM IS RIGHT THEREE /lh

His whole arc is him excepting the fact that he's broken and so is everyone dear to him. His entire development is him forcefully maturing, losing interest in the whimsy of everyday things and starting to non-chalant-ly react to the obstacles life throws at him. He doesn't just magically "get better" in the finale, the only glimpse we see of a healed Link is in the epilogue. But he definitely had to go on his own journey of self rediscovery before fully adulting and that is just calling to be explored so loudly... Also the fact that he became a father IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME TOO. LIKE HOW WOULD HE PARENT IN WHAT ENVIRONMENT WOULD HE RAISE JERRY ECT ECT WHY ARE THESE CONCEPTS SO SLEPT ON COME ON

just saying... I need more Link angst and general headcanons on my dash thank you for coming to my ted talk

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM BEYONCÉ'S COWBOY CARTER *  assorted lines from the album, some slightly adapted, adjust as necessary

nothing really ends.

for things to stay the same, they have to change again.

hello, my old friend.

you changed your name, but not the ways you play pretend.

do you hear me?

let me make myself clear.

can you hear me, or do you fear me?

can we stand for something?

now is the time to face the wind.

can you stand me?

this isn't the time to pretend.

they used to say i spoke "too country."

they don't know how hard i had to fight for this.

goodbye to what has been.

you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

i had to leave my home at an early age.

i'm not in my bed.

i gotta choose myself.

i might cook, clean, but still won't fold.

i'm still working on my life, you know.

only god knows.

i got art to make.

i got love to create.

they won't dim my light.

i had to sacrifice and leave my fears behind.

you'll remember me, 'cause we got something to prove.

i will lead you down that road if you lose your way.

i'm born to be a protector.

even though i know someday, you're gonna shine on your own.

i gave water to the soil, and now it feeds me.

there you are, shaded underneath it all.

i feel proud of who i am.

i first saw your face in your father's gaze.

how many times have you let yourself get down?

be fond of your flaws.

i just hope you love yourself like that.

i really hope the best for you.

you're my love, my sweetie pie.

don't let go.

lay your cards down.

i'll be damned if i can't slow dance with you.

don't be a bitch.

there's a heatwave coming at us.

i give you kisses in the backseat.

you make me cry, you make me happy.

just toss it.

they couldn't have me and they never will.

sometimes i hold you closer just to know you're real.

sometimes i take a day off just to turn you on.

i could be your bodyguard.

you should let me ride shotgun.

you know how people like to start shit.

someone better hold me back.

i'm warning you, don't come for my man.

don't take the chance just because you think you can.

the games you play are nothing new.

you don't want no heat with me.

i know my man better than he knows himself.

shoot your shot with someone else.

i'm warning you, woman, find your own man.

i have to have this talk with you.

i really tried to stay cool, but your arrogance disturbed my solitude.

look what you made me do.

if you cross me, i'm just like my father.

you say move a mountain and i'll throw on my boots.

how does it feel to be adored?

think about leaving? hell no.

time moves quickly, and so do i.

i don't need anything.

here's to hoping i'll fall fast asleep tonight.

i need to get through this.

i came here for a reason, but i don't know the purpose.

time heals everything.

i'll be your backseat baby.

been a while since i haven't tried to pull away.

come here, you sexy little thing.

baby, you play too much.

i'm looking super hot.

i'm a fucking animal.

every time you know just what to do.

no one ever got me going quite like you.

girl, i wanna take you home.

they won't be around.

i hope that you know that once i loved you.

history can't be erased.

got you up all night and now you don't wanna leave.

how can a true love go so wrong?

put on a show and make it nasty.

let me sink into your arms.

i died and someone brought me back to life.

i plan to steal your heart again.

who am i to judge?

i will carry on.

baby, i've been waiting my whole life for you.

wherever you wanna go, that's fine with me.

all i see is the best of you.

i'm gonna give you the best years of your life.

you owe me a debt.

i hated you once.

tap me on the shoulder when you reload the gun.

i know they're looking for me.

i fall to pieces each time i see you there.

it don't matter what nobody says.

we can take back roads.

just say what you need from the store.

i'm coming home.

take that shit on the chin.

have mercy on me.

this house was built with blood and bones.

i need to make you proud.

[bogkeep]

grousing about ai art stuff

every time i open twitter (my mistake) there's a new thread on how to spot ai art or ai photos by finding all the mistakes in it, and like obviously this is useful and it's good to watch out because they kEEP SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE AHHH HELL WORLD HELL WORLD, but it's also a little depressing that we're training ourselves to nitpick all kinds of details within a piece of art.

like even before the artifically generated image boom randos on twitter would reply to fully finished illustrations with the most asinine unsolicited advice possible. art's gonna be flawed sometimes! i'll draw someone in a weird pose because of vibes! i'll wing a hand! i don't fucking know what a house actually looks like!!! like yes of course the way a human artist creates flawed art is different from the way an algorithm doesn't actually know what anything looks like because it has no mind. it doesn't know shit. so it's not that it's UNRELIABLE but it's like. it's like... i've been telling myself and others every time i'm struggling to make something look Just Right that actually nobody i going to be staring as hard at my art as i am while making it. if i don't point it out people aren't likely to notice unless they are going through it with a fine toothed comb BUT NOW WE ARE DOING THAT APPARENTLY. WHICH IS ANYONE'S PEROGATIVE AND FAIR ENOUGH! PEOPLE CAN LOOK AT MY ART HOWEVER THEY WANT IT'S FINE

but it's ALSO so depressing to consider having to analyse every single piece of art you come across like that my goddddddd i just wanna enjoy it!! i wanna enjoy art!!!! i mean the main reason i finally stopped going on twitter regularly was during the NFT boom and i got so tired of having to vet every single artist i came across to make sure i wasnt retweeting nft stuff. like that really ruined my previously enjoyable experience of LOOKING AT NICE ART ON MY FEED WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE.

god another thing that happened during the dark nft times was how certain art styles tended to be nfts. and i don't mean the ugly apes and stuff, like of course there's those, but there were a lot of artists who sold their souls to crypto and there was just a certain Vibe to a lot of those styles. like i got a sixth sense for it, i would see a piece of art by an unknown artists and when i checked - yep, that was a crypto guy now. and you know what!!!! i hated that!!!! i hate that it ruined entire art styles for me!! AND NOW ARTIFICIALLY GENERATED IMAGES ARE DOING THE SAME!!!!! like what tends to tip me off is less because i spotted some wonky hand or a weird flap but because the style is a popular one for the ai bros to imitate. you know what i mean right!!!!!! it's kind of how the ai photos look a bit too clean and crisp and smooth in an unsettling way. it just pings the brain a bit.

ULTIMATELY the absolute main method i have for filtering away ai images isn't so much looking for mistakes, but by checking sources. it's the same way i check that i'm not reblogging from reposting accounts Because That's A Thing I Care About Too - if there's no description or the description seems off and i don't recognise the OP, i check the original post/blog to see what's up. if the image gives me a weird vibe, i check where it comes from and who posted it. oftentimes the comments on posts with ai images will point it out - they're not always accurate and there's definitely been times where people are a little too trigger happy to accuse art of being AI... but it can be a good lead or confirm suspicions. on one hand, i don't want to do detective work while im having chill scrolling time, but on the other hand - i already had this habit for other reasons, so it's less disruptive to me than the alternative. it also helps that it's very rare for ai shit to turn up in my tumblr feed. i don't want to keep looking over my shoulder!!

(also for anyone who wants a little bit of optimism in the middle of all this, here's an episode of Better Offline podcast that outlines how it's very unlikely for generative ai to actually get much better. here's the part two also.)

[conspiracy-crows]

Me: grows up reading fairy tales(kindness is always the answer) and Terry Pratchett(Well is anyone gonna fix this? No? Fine, guess I'll do it then) and Diane Duane(Entropy is the Enemy, you can stall Entropy, be kind, be understanding, treat all things with respect), Gail Carson Levine(you are never alone, you can break the curse, you are more powerful and brave than you could ever dream)

Me: grows up watching Star Trek(Explore, never lose your Wonder, do the best thing you can even in awful circumstances, never give up on what you believe in) Doctor Who(Hope is a helping hand, Hope is the man who lost everything making sure you don't, everything is a miracle, nobody is unimportant) Leverage(we're all different, that's what makes the world work, there are always people you can lean on, even if you're weird you belong somewhere, always fight for the underdog, sometimes the right thing ignores the rules)

Me: grows up listening to my Christian family and church constantly talking about being christ-like(feed the poor, yes even him, do not be afraid of the ones in pain, do not judge others for their work, do not blame a man when his life falls apart, help him, always reach out your hand, we are all connected)

Me:*internalizes all of that, working very hard to follow the examples that have been set for me, struggle for a bit with letting people walk all over me but eventually find balance that lets me care for myself too*

Guy I've been talking to: you're far more kind and sweet than most people I've met

Me: I don't see how I do anything special, I just followed the guidebook???

[fullstcp]

"HOLY FVCK" by Demi Lovato Sentence Starters

FREAK

"Get your tickets to the freak show."

"What I am is a piece of meat."

"Say what you want."

"Ain't gotta spell it out for me."

SKIN OF MY TEETH

"When is this shit gonna end?"

"I can't believe I'm not dead."

"I'm alive by the skin of my teeth."

"Go easier on me."

"I just wanna be free."

"I'm addicted to more."

"I don't need you to keep score when I'm the one who's at war."

"I'm just trying to keep my head above water."

"I'm just a product of the problem."

SUBSTANCE

"Is anybody happy with life in the backseat?"

"Is anyone grasping that nothing lasts?"

"I know we're all fucking exhausted."

"Am I in my head or have we all lost it?"

"Am I the only one looking for substance?"

"Everyone's acting like nothing is lacking."

"I can't relate at all."

"Fuck the theatrics, what happened to classic?"

"Give me the real shit, give me the magic."

EAT ME

"All I'm hearing is that you want to make the impossible possible."

"Is that what you'd all prefer?"

"Would you like me better if I was still her?"

"I know the part I've played before."

"I can't spoon-feed you anymore."

"Try to be sexy, but don't be too sexual."

"Please be presentable."

"Everyone's watching so don't be forgettable."

"Would you like me better if I didn't oppose?"

HOLY FVCK

"I am truth and I am darkness."

"I'm an angel, I'm a demon."

"I'm what your dreams are made of."

"I'll show you the light with all the lights off."

"I'l bring you to life."

"I'm a holy fuck."

29

"Thought it was a teenage dream, just a fantasy. But was it yours or was it mine?"

"I see you're quite the collector."

"You're twelve years her elder."

"Maybe now it doesn't matter, but I know fucking better."

HAPPY ENDING

"Am I gonna die trying to find my happy ending?"

"Will I ever know what it's like to be fine without pretending?"

"I miss my vices."

"I tried to be your hero."

"I was your poster child."

"It was working for a while, but it didn't fill the void."

HEAVEN

"I had a secret, it killed me to keep it."

"Crucified for the life I'm living."

"Oh, my God, hope I'm forgiven."

"I can't help it, guess I'm a heathen."

CITY OF ANGELS

"I'm bored to tears, there's nothing left to do."

"You know I skip the lines."

BONES

"My heart's pounding like there's a fucking earthquake."

"I want you so bad that I need restraints."

"No one has to know."

"I want all of you to myself."

"One day I'm gonna leave you needing nobody else."

WASTED

"I'm scared of the comedown."

"I don't think I'll know how to live without this now."

"Will my heart stop?"

"The highest high can't hold a candle to getting wasted on you."

"I can't hold back."

COME TOGETHER

"You lead, I follow."

"I knew the minute I met you that I had to have you or I'd die."

"We don't surrender."

"We could make it last forever."

"There's nothing I'd rather do."

DEAD FRIENDS

"I'm waking up right now and they never will."

"I still can't understand."

"I made it through hell and I don't know why."

"How am I different?"

"I did and they didn't and it doesn't feel right."

"I miss the hell we can't raise, I miss the time we can't waste."

"I miss my dead friends."

"We had the rest of our lives, didn't get to say goodbye."

"Sometimes, I wish that I could jump right into the blue moment with you."

"I'll see them again."

HELP ME

"What you think matters isn't up for debate."

"Suck it up."

"There's nothing I can do when I'm feeling really depressed."

"I must be feeling better now."

"Help me? You think you're helping?"

"Thank you for your useless information."

"What's with your desperate fascination?"

"I'm gonna take your opinions, shove 'em back in your face."

FEED

"I ran through fire, I did my time."

"I found my soul just to lose my mind."

"All of the sinners know my name."

"I built a bridge and burned it down."

"Wrong looks right when the tide has turned."

4 EVER 4 ME

"I fell for you smitten and hopelessly."

"I couldn't be scared if I tried."

"Nothing's ever felt this right."

"I can't hold back, I'm falling in love."

"I think this is forever for me."

"I promise your heart's safe with me."

"They say you know when you find the one."

[capricorndevil15]

Our Wonderland Themesongs Masterpost or Whatever

Out of excitement for the Our Wonderland finale (which is coming out next month!), I've written an incredibly long post sharing one song I associate with each of the main 4 characters (and also Cecil is there), as well as songs for my favorite ships. Come imagine AMVs with me, under the cut!~

To start off, a song that I associate broadly with the plot of OW is Leopard by Jack Stauber. For most of the other songs, I'll pick out certain lyrics to highlight/site my sources lol, but with this one I'd prefer not to because all of the lyrics are The Lyrics. Every time we change, it's a game, okay? Cool.

Characters

🥩Iggy: Devil Town- Bright Eyes (x)

All my friends were vampires Didn't know they were vampires Turns out I was a vampire myself

🚬Genzou: Getchoo- Weezer (x)

I can't believe What you've done to me What I did to them You've done to me

🍷Orlam: I made an entire Orlam playlist, but don't worry. I always have more. Today I'm assigning him,

Shake The Disease- Depeche Mode (x)

You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these Understand me

✂️Gidget: Touch Up- Mother Mother (x)

I forget that I can remember when I was young climbing up fences Scraping my knees, dirt on my cheeks Not one makeover queen bone in me

🔪Cecil: Genie In A Bottle- Billy Cobb (x)

I have no tangible explanation for this one. You'll either get it or you won't and that's okay. 👍🏻

No songs for Bucks or Hunar yet because I need to know more about them first. I've heard the finale is pretty Bucks-centric, so I can't wait 2 play!

My fave ships

💙💚 Iggy/Genzou: Run-Around- Blues Traveler (x)

But I want more than a touch, I want you to reach me And show me all the things no one else can see So what you feel becomes mine as well And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell What's yours and mine, the fishing's fine And it doesn't have to rhyme, so don't you feed me a line!

💙🧡 Iggy/Orlam: Funky- Royal Treatment Plant (x)

I should be over this No time for playing games with little wicked boys

💙💔💜 Iggy/Gidget: COWARD 2 COWARD- Ada Rook (x)

I will become whatever you think of me I will be nothingness or disgusting dreams Idol or target, anything in between Falling forever, witnessed by nobody

🧡🖤 Orlam/Cecil: Somethin' Stupid- Lola Marsh (x)

I know I stand in line until you think you have the time To spend an evening with me And if we go some place to dance, I know that there's a chance You won't be leaving with me Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place And have a drink or two And then I go and spoil it all By saying somethin' stupid like, "I love you"

🧡💜 Orlam/Gidget: Pure Morning- Placebo (x)

A friend in need's a friend indeed A friend who'll tease is better Our thoughts compressed, which makes us blessed And makes for stormy weather

💜🖤 Gidget/Cecil: Guy.exe- Superfruit (x)

In lieu of cherry-picking specific lyrics I just want 2 say that the AMV in my mind is exquisite. In pursuit of the Guy (with help from Cecil), Gidget becomes the Guy. Do u understand.

💜🖤🧡 Gidget/Cecil/Orlam: Sideways- Carly Rae Jepsen (x)

Everything's goin' my way And I like to get my way Even when things go sideways Rainin' on my parade I get all my confidence from you

Lovecats- The Cure (x)

We should have each other to tea, We should have each other with cream Then curl up in the fire and sleep for a while It's the grooviest thing, it's the perfect dream

(They get two songs because...I said so. ❤️)

💔⚰️ Orlam/Genzou: Suedehead- Morrissey (x)

You had to sneak into my room Just to read my diary It was just to see, just to see All the things you knew I'd written about you

And that's the end! If u want to share your favorite ships or songs you associate with anybody, I'd love to hear them too!

[bomberqueen17]

ha ha ha

oh cool it's thursday again and i didn't do basically any writing this week and now i'm in this brace which actually doesn't stop me from typing so that's good but uh yeah it slows me down

sister and fam are coming home today so that's great i should probably clean things and empty the rabbit's litter boxes again but i have so much to do today. i have the follow up appointment with the orthopedic thingy. i am really regretting going to the ortho urgent care because so far he's right and it's not bacteria and honestly my tendons would've healed fine on their own i just needed to know it wasn't still an infection. i don't need this brace, which i'm sure my insurance will charge me like two hundred dollars for. Sure it helped but i wasn't actually there because the pain was bad, i was there because i thought the pain meant i was being eaten.

and i'm not convinced it's not going to come back in a week anyway like last time. but. idk. (It is, incidentally, extremely horrifying to me to contemplate that the current pain is that the bacteria, which was not unmedicated in my body for more than a couple of days at any point, managed to inflict so much damage on my tissues that it's inflamed now. the cyst on my forefinger tendon is the most painful bit and it's nowhere near the original injury.

i am just overwhelmed in general, idk when that's going to ease up if ever.

veg man has fed me several times this week, which is very sweet of him. nobody thinks i can feed myself. my sister thinks that because the only kitchen i can use is hers and i'm afraid to meddle with her stuff. anyway everyone's probably right, left to my own devices i'd only eat weird shit.

i'm eating all of the dairy at the moment though, because i can.

gotta give a friend a ride from the garage, then i gotta go to my doctor's appointment like fully two hours later. this is not a full schedule, exactly, but i am jittery at the possibitlity of missing something, since of course it's outside my normal route and it's all time-sensitive. Ridiculous, but that's how my brain works.

maybe i'll be told i can stop wearing the brace; i have a bunch more baskets of eggs to wash and i told veg man i'd help him by freezing some green beans tomorrow so i could really use having two hands back.

[fight-the-corn]

sbi x reader part 8

A few days later, Wilbur reached out to me. I felt my phone buzz and when I checked it, I saw the following message:

W: hey! how r u?

I smiled as I responded.

O: im good, hbu?

The answer was instantaneous.

W: ive been good! u wanna come over to our house for dinner tmrw? we miss u!!

Dinner. Usually, I had to get food made for my parents. But, if I timed it right, I could feed them then sneak out?

O: what time were you thinking?

W: probs around six? if I wanna change it tho that's fine idc

O: any chance we could do seven, or is that too late?

W: great! that totally works!! looking forward to it!!

O: loved " great! that totally works!! looking forward to it!!"

That have me enough time to get food to my parents by six, then be at the Craft's house by seven. Call it stupid or selfish for choosing the villains, but at least they made me feel safe. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face for the first time in a while.

---

I got through the next day happier than normal, having something to look forward to. By early evening, food was done and two plates were made up. It wasn't suspicious that I didn't have a plate, I don't usually get one. My parents prefer to eat alone.

At six o'clock, I set their plates on the table, ran upstairs, and slipped out the window. My heart was pounding in my chest, terrified of the punishment I was risking by leaving. It was worth it though, I reminded myself. I was going to get to spend time with an amazing family, and I was going to have fun, and it was going to be awesome.

I made it to the Craft house by 6:30, knocking on the door. Tommy opened it, grinning. "THE WOMAN HAS ARRIVED! Come in, come in," he beckoned me inside. I smiled as he led me to the table where I sat, and Phil brought a plate over and they all sat around the table.

Dinner was fun. Lots of jokes, lots of smiling. No alcohol in sight. I was getting comfortable with the family. Techno suggested game night, then wiped the floor with us in Scattergories. After, Tommy insisted on Twister, which led to Phil calling colors and Wilbur just trying to get in Tommy's way as much as possible. I fell over second, after Tommy, because Wilbur had tripped him and I laughed so hard I fell. Phil then offered up Clue, which suprisingly, I won.

As all good things must come to an end, it was getting to the time I needed to get back home. Finally, I called it.

"Ok, I think it's time for me to go home."

" Awwww, one more game? "

"I'm sorry Wil, I have to go."

Phil stepped in. "Do you need a ride?"

" Yeah, actually, that would be awesome. "

"Ok, I'll take you home. Boys, you're on cleanup duty."

Tommy whined, but Tommy always whined so everyone ignored him.

---

The ride home was nice, I chatted quietly with Phil the whole way home. I learned about his love for gardening, and he told some stories about the boys that almost had me in tears I was laughing so hard. As relaxed as I had felt the whole evening, I couldn't shake the underlying fear that gripped me the whole time. What if my parents found out I was gone? What if something happens with the Crafts, and they decide they don't want me anymore? Even though I've lived with nobody in my corner for so long, it would be so much more painful now that I know what it's like to have people who I feel safe around. As we neared my house, I tentatively spoke.

"Is there any chance you could drop me off around the corner? My parents kind of don't know I went out." I ducked my head as I spoke, not sure if how he would react. Would he be mad? Hate that I was lying to my family?

"Why didn't you tell them?"

" Um, they can just be a little strict sometimes, but I really wanted to come to dinner. I swear, I don't usually do stuff like that. "

"What would happen if they caught you?"

"They probably wouldn't be happy with me. I'd just get in trouble."

" Your shirt slipped during twister."

I froze. He silently pulled over and turned to face me.

"Why is your stomach so bruised?"

I open my mouth, then close it. "I'm clumsy?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Did you know that I used to be an emergency foster placement care parent? I've seen after effects of some bad homes."

I blink, then duck my head. "I have it under control."

He's quiet for a moment, then: "We can't help you if you don't let us."

My eyes fill with tears at the gesture, because not only was this the first time anyone has offered to help me, but Phil is offering his help after I've been nothing but a pain, spending days in his house recovering, eating his food, crashing his family game nights.

"I understand it feels like a really big thing, but honestly, any paperwork is worth it. We have the money and the resources, and our family loves you. You would be safe. "

I debated it. I really did. I looked up and met his eyes.

"What if I just promise to call you if it gets too bad? "

"I don't want you to have to get to the point of too bad. Also, I don't know if you can fairly identify 'too bad'."

"I called someone that night in the snow."

"Only after you had been out there for multiple hours."

I stay quiet at that. He has a point.

"Look, just call me if you need, okay? Any of us, anywhere, anytime. We can help you."

I nod.

"And I mean that. Even if your parents catch you sneaking back in tonight, or something happens at one in the morning, or you're two cities over, call us. Ok?"

" Okay. Thank you Phil. "

"Of course. Anytime."

I get out of the car. He gives me a hug. I turn, and walk towards the house that is the source of all my darkest fears.

[icedmetaltea]

Health anxiety: something is wrong Me: no dude lol you're being dramatic everything is fine Body: randomly develops a nut allergy (?) Body: blood pressure consistently 130-150/80-110 at night for some reason Body: suddenly can't tolerate yogurt- including lactose free Body: Mysteriously loses 1-2 lbs per week when not on diet past month Body: constant anxiety even when not pmsing Health anxiety: come on man Me: EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT GETTING CANCER OR HEART DISEASE OR ANYTHING AHAHAHAHAHAHA

(incoherent venty stuff below, tw for suicidal thoughts and just... idk weird psychosis type stuff ig)

I can't even go to the doctor cause agoraphobia and like... even then they just blame everything on anxiety. Even when my BP is this erratic, anywhere from 110/60-156/110, and I can't make a telehealth appointment for some goddamned reason that they won't explain

And I don't know if they'll sign that form so I can get ebt and ya know not starve (I sent it via email but I got said email from a static-filled call so I don't even know if it's the right address or if they'll do it digitally)

And from the sounds of things they won't make me a note to file for a tuition appeal so I'll be saddled with a $700 fine that'll go to collections if I can't pay it by december WHEN I HAVE $600 IN MY BANK and I need it to pay for basic living essentials till I can get approved for SSI IF I even can which will take at LEAST 6 months

and everything adds up, toothepaste, paper towels, laundry soap, dish soap, sponges, trashbags, pads... the list goes on and it adds up so fast

And nobody aside from the therapist has shown any goddamned empathy for me when I've made calls, it reaaaally feels like the doctors and nurses just hope I kill myself, cause it'd be easier for them, cause I'm a burden, cause it's easier for me to die than for them to make me a telehealth appointment or sign a goddamned 1-paper form so I can fucking feed myself and not be saddled with debt

it'd be so much easier for everyone

I've been thinking about blowing my brains out all day. it used to be just when I was pmsing but it's been pretty much all month when my imaginary friend isn't distracting me with stupid shit and/or age regressing to cope

I just think, sure the gun would be expensive but then I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore, or panic attacks, or being a financial burden to my mom, or being a disappointment, or PMDD, or sleeping till 4pm when the depression gets bad, or anything

Nothing at all. Just blackness. Or maybe there's something after death, idk. Maybe I'm going to heaven or hell, but either way hopefully things just... are different there. No more capitalism. No more mental health shit. No more jobs and school and people working just to work and then die, no more of your worth getting judged by how smart you are or how valuable you are as a wage slave

No more heart pounding, no more gasping for air for the 20th time as I try to sleep, no more walking around in dreams where I feel like a ghost (and yet I look forward to it bc at least it's... different. It's somewhere than isn't here) no more waking up disappointed that I even woke up

No more thinking about how my parents are gonna die someday and then I'll really be alone

No more thinking about how my sibling left me

No more thinking about how my best friend left me

No more anything

I don't expect to make it to the end of this year. I don't know when I'll do it but it's kinda a given. I should've just let myself freeze to death back in December like I'd originally planned. At least I could die to something I loved. Why'd I bother sticking around? What have I gained? I'm just living to live

What, to finish all those books? I have hundreds, I'll never finish them all

To finish that game? I'll never finish that either

To get on SSI? I probably won't even be approved before trump takes power (be honest with yourself, you know he will. A war's coming and it ain't lookin good for people like us. He wants people like us dead)

It's so dark and lonely tonight. I have a billion thoughts in my head and it's supposed to be better now bc it's not my luteal or follicular phase... I can't even have the one good week I'm supposed to have PMDD-wise

I just can't stop thinking about how much better everything would be without me. And idk I feel kinda in a way like said imaginary friend is like... idk shutting down my body somehow. Cause even they know it's for the best. I know that's just psychosis brain talking cause they're not real but at times like these I wonder

But man, I wish if that was the case they'd make it quick and painless. A gun would be easier, just saying. Oh but it'd be too loud, make too much of a mess, blah blah blah... it's quick and effective. Sure it might not work and turn me into a vegetable. Prolly wouldn't though. It works more often than hanging/blood loss/jumping. I know they don't want me gone but even they have to admit it's about time. They've known it for a long time. I should've frozen to death. It would've been quick in 0 degree weather. We could've listened to music. Mom and dad wouldn't have found us till morning.

But no. Just had to chicken out

Ugh

[fragileizywriting]

something something whatever it doesn't matter, kitty signs up as an escorter. she's feeling herself. thinks she's cute enough to be a sugar baby. maybe. it's the freedom. she got dumped by her ex, no one believes her when she says she's 22, and can't stand being alone.

she gets a match. luka couffaine, someone she's never met, asking to meet tonight at a restaraunt she recognizes from the bus loop she takes— his treat. she scours the internet searching for a menu and inhales her poptart wrong when she sees how many "$" symbols google provides for her next to the name.

she spends the entire afternoon working out. she's a hamster in a hamster wheel going nuts and crazy, texting him in between sets, getting to know each other because she feels so unbrave. he has a younger sister. he finds sashimi gross, but he's a pescetarian, even though he doesn't mind that she eats meat. his favorite color is blue. she tries not to jump at the impulse to run back home and ransack her dresser drawer for her matching underwear set in the exact shade.

okay, okay. this is fine. her workout routine takes two hours. she knows that by heart. she has enough time to go home, shower, shave, wash her hair and blowdry it. she'll take the metro. gare du nord is hard to miss.

luka is easy. kind. he's sweet— what's a guy like him doing on this website, oh god, what is he up to? the piercings and tattoos kind of give away what he's into, but he's so attentive, completely at odds with the slight edge he dresses like. asks about her, laughs at the way she offers tentative jokes, an all-around really sweet guy. so far. he's got skeletons in his closet. surely. how has nobody snatched him up yet?

she's not this lucky. is he into feet? would she be okay with him being into feet? does the idea of him being into her feet make her feel things?

"are you still hungry?" he asks, when she's finished her plate and she's stimming underneath the table as soundlessly as possible by moving her ankles, eyeing up the dessert menu on the side.

"no, no. i'm fine."

"if you're hungry, you're hungry."

"i'm fine," she tries.

he's laughing with his eyes, even as he tries to keep polite with his mouth in a straight line. "how about this. i get the flan with a single spoon, and when you confess that you're still hungry, i'll feed you across the table. if not, you'll just have to watch me eat it by myself."

and miss out the condensed milk? oh, god. how could she ever do that to herself? the though of him reaching over with those large arms, just to hold a spoon up into her mouth— he'd follow the action with his eyes, watch her lick her lips clean, watch her chew, just like he's been doing all night, oh god. she's having a problem in these blue panties.

"sorry— sorry," she exhales. squeaks. huffs. something between the three. "i'm just... nervous."

he looks kicked. "nervous?"

"not about you! well, about you. but not about you—" shit, he looks so kicked, fuck— "i just really want to make a good impression with you. on you. about you." foot things aside, things seem to be going well. "i don't want to fuck this up. i ran a few kilometres today at the gym to calm down the nerves of today, but i don't think it was enough. i'm a little stressed out."

"oh," he says, shoulders lowering back down from his ears. "why are you so stressed out? all we're doing is having dinner. i thought it was going okay."

"it is," she whines. "that's the problem. because things like this don't just go well or okay for someone like me, i always make a critical error somewhere. i'm going to aqcuiece and order the flan and end up dropping a whole rubbery piece on my dress. i'm going to choke on my wine and cough all over you. i'm going to say something so stupid, you'll ghost me before i even get the door to my appartment building open."

"that's not—" he blinks slowly. "oh. wait. it's actually your first time doing this?"

"yeah. it's obvious, isn't it?"

"to be honest, no," he says, rubbing at the back of his neck. "you're a natural. i was wondering if you do this often because you're so easy to talk to."

her head snaps up. "really?"

"absolutely. are you sure this is your first time?"

"positive." she pauses to clink a knife with her nail. "okay, so you're not weirded out by the way i sip wine?"

he snorts. "no. absolutely not. i think it's really cute, actually, how you're struggling to drink it."

"i can't let sixty euros a glass go to waste."

"who cares, i'm paying anyways. if you don't like something, tell me. i'm not forcing you to eat or do anything you don't want, be vocal when you don't like something."

"b-but i don't want to behave like a brat," she reasons.

there's just a beat too long in the conversation where he rubs at his tricep with a giant hand as if to warm himself up from the cold. "maybe i like brats."

kitty is having a liquid meltdown in her panties.

[godslush]

This is going to sound contentious, but I’ve never enjoyed how social media has poisoned online friendships into being little more than “I’m spending all my time either complaining, or devouring an endless stream of the world’s consciousness across 5+ platforms, but I found this funny post that made me think of you for half a second, so I’m going to vomit it at your feet then go right back to gorging myself on a diet of 95% misery because that’s preferable to being in your presence.”

I know it’s just the RSD talking, and I’m guilty of it as well, but it’s more or less become an ubiquitous part of existing in an online space, and I hate it. Almost every seemingly-meaningful online friendship always seems to devolve into it; real communication being replaced by regurgitating material from feeds back and forth. Happy memories and dreams of a better future just get drowned in it, and it doesn’t make me want to be here. It makes me wish I could take a leaf out of [REDACTED]’s book and lobotomize my truly happy memories so I forget what it felt like to be happy because it’d make the pain of the present less pronounced by the contrast, and make fleeting moments of joy more meaningful before they're wiped from memory to stop goading me.

I get more life affirmation and positive reinforcement for existing and doing anything from my soul-crushing corporate retail job now than I do here online. My coworkers - who I only see at work and don’t connect with online because I don’t want to poison their image of me by seeing what a huge failure I am here - are the closest thing I have to reliable, supportive friends, who don't make promises that they have no intention of keeping just to shut me up, and always having an excuse ready to explain why they couldn't keep it. That’s really, really fucking sad.

It's fine. It's whatever. It's not like I haven't been in and out of the same ruts for 10+ years. The only difference is who I spend - or don't spend - the time in those ruts with. From the looks of it, nobody has the patience for it, and would rather leave me to crawl out of it myself with my own energy and assume I'd return to their side once I do. But if I do, I probably won't return. If people won't fight to keep me, I won't fight to stay. I only have enough energy to drag myself out of a rut, not crawl all the way back to the people who left me there in the first place.

This isn't the first time. But damn if it isn't getting closer and closer to being the last time... If only I could put into practice the things I learned from the consistent patterns of my experiences. Alas, the hopes that things will be better - or at least different in a slightly better-trending direction - will always win out, and lead to another round of disappointment when the pattern repeats.

I don't want to be alone. But in the end, that might be the safest option for me, and for anyone around me.

So if I don't come across as friendly, that's why.

I know more than anybody else that I am a difficult and high-maintenance person at my worst, and that I will always return to my worst; I'll only ever be a disappointment.

If you don't want to get your hands dirty digging me out of the dumpster, you're probably better off keeping your distance.

Don't give me hope if you can't follow through.

[oceangirl24]

Sick Day

I'm behind on Tumblr in general, but wanna share some story snippets. If you like what you read, I'd love to know. ❤️

"Don't say it." She poked him in the chest. "You are not going to die. And neither is he."

Jon was silent for a moment then leaned over said in a whisper of desperation in her ear, "Can I go with you?"

She pulled back from him. "You're being ridiculous!"

"I don't do sick, Aud," Jon leaned again the door frame again. "I have a hard enough time taking care of myself when I'm sick. I don't know how to take care of a kid! You remember that cold I had in January?"

"Yes, I do. And I'm very thankful colds only last a week. I was this close..." she put her thumb and forefinger up to his nose. There was little space between her fingers. "To requesting another cooperating teacher to finish my student teaching with."

"And you wanna leave Shawn with me?"

Audrey shook her head in exasperation.

Shawn, who had been listening from his bedroom, struggled to the door. He wasn't thrilled with being left with Jon either. "Audrey, are you really leavin'?"

"I have to, Shawn. It's just for a little while. I'll be back Monday morning."

Shawn stared out into space. "Then I'm gonna die," he whimpered.

"See!" Jon said, shoving his hands in the teen's direction. "You leave, we die."

Shawn walked over to Audrey and leaned into her. "Take me with you. I'm too young to die. Jon can't keep fish alive."

Audrey put her arms around him. "To be fair, the fish are partially your fault. Jon thought you were feeding them and you weren't."

Shawn considered this and panicked even more. "And you're still gonna leave me alone with us? What if I forget to feed me?"

"You can survive without food until I get back if it comes to that." Audrey heard about "man flu" before; she just didn't believe it existed. Apparently, it did. "I cannot believe you two are acting this way. Shawn, I'll give pass to you because you're sick." She looked at Jon. "But you have no excuse."

"All right," Jon mumbled, unhappily. He knew they had to let her leave. "Fine. Go. Please hurry back."

"I will. I just need to make sure my dad is okay. I never know when the next crisis will be his last."

"We understand, Aud," he reassured her. "Tell Richie we said hello and hope he gets better."

Shawn held onto her tighter. "Tell Pops if he passes on to the other side this weekend, I'll see him real soon. I might even beat him there."

Audrey rolled her eyes and told them firmly, "Nobody is dying this weekend, okay?"

Jon gave Shawn a displeased looked as Audrey hugged the boy goodbye and gave Jon a kiss on the cheek.

After she left, Jon and Shawn stood in the living room staring at each other. Shawn sagged against the wall near the door deeply upset that Audrey left him. His head and the right side of his face ached unrelentingly from the sinus infection. He was exhausted from being kept awake for most of the past several weeks from congestion. He wanted nothing more than to curl up on Audrey's lap and let her rub his head until he fell asleep. He could rest with Audrey there.

Jon, on the other hand, was nothing like Audrey. He was likely to throw a blanket and some tissues at him and tell him to sleep it off like he did that morning. Jon did not do comfort. Actually, Jon didn't much of anything even when Audrey was there. He just stood in the kitchen with his hand over his mouth watching them. He only did anything when Audrey asked him to do something.

I am gonna die! He thought as the pounding in his head increased. I want my Audrey!

Jon squinted at him and frowned. "So do I. But we won't have her until Monday. Gotta make due."

Shawn rubbed his temple. He didn't realize he'd said that out loud. Shrugging it off, he went over to the couch and sat down. After a few minutes of sitting, that awful dull ache increased until it was an intense pain running through his head. He stood up abruptly and almost passed out from the equilibrium change. After regaining his balance, he started to walk back to his room. As he moved, the pressure in his head lifted some and brought the pain to a more bearable level. Wondering if it was some sort of fluke, Shawn began to pace his room and the hallway. Yes, he definitely was feeling better. Maybe it was psychological, but he didn't care. His wandering took him into the living room where he ended up doing laps around the couch.

Jon was sitting on the couch trying to watch the Rangers game which was very hard to do with a teen endlessly circling in front of the screen. After several frustrating minutes and missing Mark Messier go bardown on Flyers goalie Ron Hextall, Jon said, "Hey, I thought you were dyin'."

"I'm trying to stay alive since you won't help."

Read the Rest:

AO3 FFN Wattpad

[seytazen]

I cannot get over this AU idea that me and @hazelhavoc came up with and it lives in my head rent free and I must share it with the world (I got their permission of course!)

Codeburst, Staticflame, Glint, and Hyperdose all belong to @hazelhavoc

We pretty much have this idea that Ironhide grew up in Crystal City and decided to go to school for psychology because he has a big spark for helping people out, but it turns out he is simply terrible at conventional schooling so he failed out before the war. Anyway tough love Ironhide is my current favorite thing to think about. Here’s a little blurb from our roleplay chat about this staring canon characters and hazelhavoc’s OCs!

Ironhide putting on his drill sergeant voice: *stands on a table banging two trays together until everyone is looking at him* Alright! I just woke up from a full 9 hours of recharge and I’ve fueled and showered. Anyone who hasn’t done those things in the last two days needs to go take care of themselves right the fuck now because I’m warning you- I have the spoons and the fucks to give. Codeburst go to bed. Optimus, if you don’t find the will to live right the fuck now and start consuming some energon, I will hog tie you and spoon feed it to you myself. Prowl, you look like you’re on the verge of a logic glitch- drop down and give me a 20 minute break!! Ultra Magnus if no one has told you that you do a lot for this cause and even if you struggle to grasp basic social cues, you are valued and we are thankful for all you do, I’m telling that to you now! Self care! Let’s go people, I can keep going! I wanna see some movement or Imma start singin!

Codeburst: But-- fine. *neglected sulk out of the room*

Optimus: *sighs and grabs full cube with a sarcastic eye roll knowing that he can and will follow through on any threat he has made* Sir, yes sir…

Staticflame: Yeah! Take your energon. I'll help you, Ironhide! Nobody is safe (affectionate)

Optimus: *grumbles and begrudgingly starts refueling*

Staticflame: *smirks and nods, hovering to make sure sure Optimus actually refuels*

Glint: Come on Prowl, if you don't rest your processor I'll go tell Ratchet! If I have to I'll take over your work. I'll get Jazz to help! *Please listen to her, she is very concerned for your health. She gives good cuddles if you need it.*

Prowl: *groans but slides datapad over to Glint* I guess a shower does sound nice…

Glint: **happy cheer and takes it, she'll work extra hard now!**

Hyperdose: Hey, I do that! : D *Extremely supportive to literally everyone unless they do something stupid then get ready for a tender and concerned scolding*

Magnus: *Small blush and grumbles*Thank you, it is nice to hear from different people *reaches for Hyperdose’s hand because they’re an adorable couple*

Hyperdose: No need to thank us darling, you mean so much to everyone and you're important- I should be thanking you! **Let's his hand get surrounded by Magnus', own blue freckles shining from his blush, resting his helm on part of his bicep**

Hide, chanting army tune: 🎵I don’t know but I’ve been told but seein y’all stewin gets real damn old! Sound oooffff! One, two- Sound ooooofff! Three, four- Get yer meal and get some sleep, gotta fight depression ‘for it gets too deep! 🎵

*everyone sighs*

[aberrant-winter]

Murder Drones experience- Word Count: 615

Hi nobody will prolly read dis and that's good it's great it's fantastic so nobody can see my stupid ramblings

Anyway

When i join a new fandom i'm usually super chill, i search a few drawings to feed on look at, if i can i draw the characters i like tge must but i usually do that wayyy later like weeks the months or years or never

And i never make ocs, i did make a Peppiclone oc but It's because everyone else's obsession with Pizza Tower kinda dragged me down as well but i never liked PT THAT MUCH. It's cool but i don't love it with my entire soul and go apeshit every time i see PT stuff

Maybe it's because i mostly stay in old fandoms and i probably was obsessed with them a lot as a kid but over time the intrest faded and faded to the point where i don't "LOVE" it anymore, i just like It

B U T with Murder Drones i finally felt this again. It's been years since i liked something so much, more than 7? Prob

And i kinda forgot how it felt! So now i'm lost and confused and i keep on asking myself if it's normal or if i should be locked up in an asylu-

So. Didn't vibe with Murder Drones cuz it was too popular and seemed like a cringey thing. Then i saw an incredibile Murder Drones animation and thought.. fine whatev i'll try and i was ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY. Didn't expect that at all

Watched the full season and immediately drew my favorite character. With other fandoms it takes weeks to do that

Watched the entire season a second time and then i doodled even more characters (in another fandom it would take YEARS or i would not do that at all)

Searched many fan arts to feast on to satisfy my immense hunger of MD content

Considered the idea of making an oc (i usually never do that-)

Considered the idea of buying a plushie (all the official merch plushies i have are either gifts or from ages ago and i have a smol amount lke very very smol and only characters)

Watched the entire season A THIRD TIME

And considered the idea of making a MD Diorama/ Bendy wire posable figure

I only made dioramas with fandoms i've been in more than 2 years and the posable figs are all just fnaf. And uhh yeah that fandom is old as fuk)

All of this happened in LESS THAN A WEEK-

And with any other fandom it would have been wayyyyyy slowerrr

I went batshit crazy super sayan mode and i still am-

It's concerning and i don't know how to make this stop

If i should try to stop myself or embrace It

I mean- this is great tho! I'm usually very low on motivation. I don't do shit and spend the entire day watching YouTube

With Artfight i have a bit more motivation but with MD too

I finally feel... Alive

Like i genuiley enjoy what i'm making instead of forcing myself to draw random things just to do something

Most of the time i'll be like "try to draw this character because idk just do It to pass the time" it feels forced . For some reason and i don't even know why

But now it's "OMG!!! this character is so cool i have to draw it! I absolutely want to see how it would look like in my art style and all the fun poses i could do! Sadly it's kinda hard to draw but that's fine. Just practice and ur good"

[desperateground]

Crowley in DiP/AfP

I'm making a 9-song playlist for each of the three main characters in DiP/AfP by @dreamsofspike-blog (and might do one for the side characters collectively, who knows.) Can't link the Spotify playlist without doxxing myself, but if you're in the server, hit me up there.

Will get the other two up soon!

Fink - Looking Too Closely

This is a song about somebody else So don't worry yourself, worry yourself The devil's right there, right there in the details And you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself Looking too closely Put your arms around somebody else Don't punish yourself, punish yourself Truth is like blood underneath your fingernails And you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself Looking too closely

The Hush Sound - Break The Sky

Won't be haunted by dreams I've deferred Won't set my heart frozen in amber The love you always seem to find is syrupy sweet One taste and you've made up your mind Too ripe to eat Before the world dies at my door I'll break the sky, for you and I are going no where Kiss good-bye a dozen times before we give them Why do I need anyone else? When I can break the sky myself

Florence and the Machine - Heavy In Your Arms

I was a heavy heart to carry My feet dragged across the ground And he took me to the river Where he slowly let me drown My love has concrete feet My love's an iron ball Wrapped around your ankles Over the waterfall

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

And now, all your love is wasted Then who the hell was I? 'Cause now I'm breaking at the bridges And at the end of all your lies Who will love you? Who will fight? And who will fall far behind?

St. South - Slacks

Got a piece of my mind to tell you who's mine Nobody hurts like me for you Soft slacks at night, I'm wearing 'em tight Nobody hurts like I do Your fakers are fine, but your water ain't wine So stop feeding me, "A little more time" Your shit's a mess, I'm not yours to undress I'm leaving this love for the last time I'm not yours, I'm mine

Paloma - Labour

The capillaries in my eyes are bursting If our love died would that be the worst thing? For somebody that I thought was my savior You sure make me do a whole lot of labor The callous skin on my hands is cracking If our love ends would that be a bad thing? And the silence haunts our bed chamber You make me do too much labor

Halsey - Forever (is a long time)

I spent a long time Watering a plant made out of plastic And I curse the ground for growing green ... 'Cause I could never hold a perfect thing And not demolish it What am I thinking? What does this mean? How could somebody ever love me?

Amber Run - I Found

I'll use you as a warning sign That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind And I'll use you as a focal point So I don't lose sight of what I want And I've moved further than I thought I could But I missed you more than I thought I would And I'll use you as a warning sign That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be Right in front of me Talk some sense to me

Sjowgren - Seventeen

If you want A second to breathe I'll give you all of my love I'll give you all that you need Oh, don't worry I'm not in a hurry, not going nowhere I'm not going nowhere, yeah

[resmarted]

i'm constantly searching out different pockets of samsara to find where i belong to no avail. nothing feels right enough, nowhere feels safe enough, inadvertently starving myself of the love i require to move all these mountains without a net to fall back into or a hope to cling onto. and you know me, you know i'm always doing the thing where i spoil people with love only to wind up the giving tree, lonely is such the martyr in me, i know. lately i am blistered and numb, food is tasteless and the little joys have become fewer and farther between. i yearn to ignore the horrors within so i learn every little detail about people i'll never see again and wonder about them in moments well past their casual departures. i find the intimate details in those closest to me even for moments, wonder aloud about their lives and count the freckles on their nose, and these have become my more delightful bits of time passing. i struggle with the notion of having no real use or place and then feeling despised any time i do make headway on potentially finding any little version of it. i don't want to feel alone so i put myself in situations with people where i only alienate and isolate deeper than had i never left my little hiding spot at all. i worry for people who in turn find me odd and unnerving, find reasons to excuse their treatment and the things they say that they think i can't hear. a real love thine enemies type conundrum. and look, i get it, okay? none of this is real and i am essentially being held hostage in a dark room, blindfolded into a state of constant projections and illusions. like fine, whatever, i've accepted it and can only play these silly little games at this point to distract from the pain of it all. constant hints of it being my fifth year in this realm since the reset and yet everyone seems to forget i have been here since the first dawn, i remember everything and i pierce through the veil a lot better than anyone thinks. and also it's like, who even cares at this point? i am starting to miss all the people who left me for dead. the bloody rabbit everyone is laughing at comes back to haunt them deep into the night but no one is laughing when furniture shakes and pictures fly off the walls as i'm demanding to play. nobody wants to play these games once i start winning, vicious children throwing their controllers in frustration at the monitors. i develop sixteen crushes in a week and have disconnected from all of them by noon. voids filled and then emptied again like water barrels in a flood storm, i am constantly reminded of how i cannot afford to be naive but so desperately want a companionship that only the huntsmen want to provide. and sometimes pride morphs into apathy through a rigorous programming of emotional starvation that eventually i'm just like, yeah that's fine, just make sure to love me before you destroy me. but then they don't even finish the job and i am left broken winged while someone feels too conflicted to face me. there's always someone that leaves me for dead but doesn't kill me, needs to explore what else is out there and when I manage to crawl out the grave, the anger boils and rage rushes through the winds because how dare I not only survive but move on? how dare i not sink deeper into the pit and wait ever so patiently with such gratitude for the dirt i am fed?

a couple of months ago i sobbed hysterically in my bathtub every night praying for a real friend and every day i look around and wonder, is it you? is this another trick? am i eternally placed in battlefields having to dodge the mines of deceit while other people get to leisurely laugh over beignets and reminisce about their wild night out with their trusted companions? people tell me to leave for my own good and i wonder if it's because they work for the enemy. i am constantly hiding in plain sight and have been my whole life, often veiled by a jealous man that wants to own me like a dog and barely feed me scraps even when i am being good, even when i so loyally and lovingly greet him at his feet and sing his praises better than anyone else. any sense of true love or friendship from anyone else and he is out to destroy it before it begins, wants to keep me in my little hole unseen and starving only for him. i wish to be untethered from all that attempts to deplete me of my light or siphon from me in any way, it's been so long now and i am so tired from being robbed. i want to look into a set of eyes that remind me how different the world can be if i just tilt my head a certain way and see it from a different axis point. i want to be one with the stars and to tell someone it's going to be okay even when we are both scared shitless, i know that when it comes from my voice it is more believable because even i start to become convinced. and i know that i can pull myself out of anything and survive the hardest hits, but i'm very tired from doing it alone for so long and it seems like there should have been some sort of reprieve by now. it is very exhausting never knowing who to trust and feeling like there is no one above corruption, that people will eye me suspiciously from vicious gossip and a looming sense that i can't possibly be the person i portray myself as, as if i could ever find the energy within me to put on an act after all this gut wrenching honesty i hand out so casually on a normal day. i want to live by the ocean, i want to be a child again, i want a path that isn't worn down by all the battered and broken people who did it before me. the energy needs to be cleared, the room feels too stuffy, my lens needs adjusting because all i can see is someone that everyone else wants to hunt down like ravenous beasts under a blood moon and i don't like the sound of butterfly nets clanking together when observing something so pretty and free. i know all too well what it means to be locked in a little cage by the watchful eyes of a possessive handler and i won't do it to someone else, even when the inkling starts to take over and i ache to hide away in these teeny tiny little pockets of samsara to kiss your face quietly while the stampede tramples everything in its path outside of us. and i feel stupid and sore and like the nightmare may never end, but then i look at you and for like, the smallest most miniscule moment, i can see the ocean and hear the waves and i swear to god i am a child again. i swear to god with you i am free.