#If i recall with his family his worst with them wasnt that bad i dont think he really lashed out like

[lesbianraskolnikov]

I dont understand peoples confusion around how the people around rodya loved him. He just had the four he was not wildly popular. For one. I think his family still loved him because something was obviously wrong. But also thats his family I don't think they're going to start hating him because he suddenly lashed out and wanted to be alone. I feel the general consensus is that something was obviously wrong and that everyone could be forgiven so to speak. But i just dont get why this is baffling.

[rise-my-angel]

Because I love salt, what do you find to be the most annoying lines of so-called evidence or foreshadowing for ships you hate? For me it’s hard to pick just one but Jon saying Sansa looked radiant is up there for me because the idea that Jon had a crush on Sansa in the first book or before is so much worse than the thought of them meeting again and then developing feelings (which I still hate, but it’s just not as bad). It’s super normal for people to think their siblings look nice. Arya’s POV chapters also remark that Sansa is beautiful. Ashford theory is annoying because it was originally about the hound and Sansa (also hate this ship but the fans are a million times more tolerable). I also roll my eyes when fans insist that the bride of fire line foreshadows Dany marrying Jon (and I even LIKE that ship but only in an AU in my head where Lyanna is Jon’s mom but Rhaegar is NOT the father)

"Because I love salt"

You have come to the right place as this is an accurate real life photo of me running this blog:

Thats a good one I hate though, multiple siblings and family members in this series all compliment one another. Even characters with bad relationships compliment each other. In the books, Arya recalls that her father calls her pretty, which only Jon ever also called her. Does that mean Ned had romantic feelings for Arya? Or Lyanna for that matter? No of course not. Thinking someone in terms of beauty is zero indicator of attraction in any way.

Also its even funnier with Jonsas because Sansa herself notes that Arya looks just like Jon, and then on multiple occasions notes that she thinks Arya is ugly. So, its even less compelling.

In the show Tyrion compliments Cersei's beauty all the time and we know there is nothing to it. It's reading into something that isn't there beacuse if they ignore the way beauty is used in this series as a common compliment towards other highborns, then its a really simple box to check on really stock symptoms of attraction. (I also dont really enjoy Sansan but it is funny how they just stay in their circle and mind their business like they somehow are winning based on being not fucking annoying alone).

I'm gonna rapid fire for Jon here because pretty much every single ship he has is backed by the worst evidence known to man.

The idea that Jon never thinks about Sansa because he loves her the most is dumb and not how we know Jon works. He holds back what he says not what he thinks. He thinks of Sansa the least because despite being his sister, she treated him like shit because she looks down on him for being a bastard. Jon cares about her, but not anywhere near how he cares about his other siblings who have clearly shown him love and respect.

The worst of Jon and Arya is a very very old outline that grrm scrapped. Its an outline that wasnt used and most of it isnt canon so it is literally a piece of non evidence for a ship that is disgusting. (Both Jonsa and Jonrya make Jons good older brother behavior towards his sisters look predatory and the shippers are all literally too blind to realize it)

Jon and Dany have literally nothing to back that up, because they are staged as moral oppositions to one another, dont know the other exists, and the idea that the motif of ice and fire will be about the coming together of romance is antithetical to everything grrm has established about the themes of his story. They are so far from being a ship that literally the ONLY thing they have to support it is the show and thats an absolute joke (see my every post that got me blocked by jonerys stans for more detail)

Ygritte is a rapist, so I accept literally zero "evidence" on that ones validity.

I also hate the "the actors have chemistry" argument to support really bad ships, because some actors having chemistry doesnt equal good romance, it equals good on screen dynamics in its own unique way. Like Tywin and Arya in season 2 have GREAT chemistry, but I don't need to explain why shipping that is creepy. Catelyn and Jaime have great chemistry, but it doesn't mean anything was actually there which could've worked.

Like shipping is fine, but so many people just INSIST it is canon or meant to be instead of something fun to think about. I joke ship about Stannis and Davos because its fun but I'm not over here arguing that people who don't ship it are "ignoring the text in front of them deliberately".

Also honestly, its really funny to me that you had to specify you'd only like that ship if they weren't related. Big oof on that one. Jonerys stans hate the idea they couldn't be related because they somehow think Dany being his AUNT isn't at all creepy. Like, Dany is related to Jon the way Jon thinks hes related to his MOTHER. There is no capability of romance or attraction there, that's crazy.

People who are biologically related but don't know it, 99% of the time are in fact, still not accidentally attracted to each other because that's biological survival instinct. Anti inbreeding protocol. But they think because DANY was raised to think her families blood superiority driven incest is fine, that somehow means JON would think its fine. Jonsas have no argument for that they just have to pray desperately that Jon would want to fuck his little sister despite how much it makes him look like a predator.

I'm sorry, I hope you have water on hand to wash down all this goddamn salt I just threw at you all at once.

Really, it isn't individual lines that irk me, its the overall tendencies of these ships to put more emphasis on things that don't even exist to justify something they don't even realize WHY people think it's creepy. I don't hate a lot of ships, just...all pro incest ones, and ones that promote predatory/rapist behaviors. Which is why I don't ship much in this series.

We're probably not meant to ship many people in this series if I in any way understand even a modicum of why grrm writes the lack of romance the way he does.

[p1nkwitch]

The actual conversation this time @nonbinaryeye

Almost there.

Your name is PETER LUK-

No, we are not doing this.

Peter sits in Oliver's land overseeing what he has to do, Annabelle was very specific about it, and the amount of time he would have before things get out of hand, once he uses the needles to scratch that thing, is counted.

Still he stalls, swinging his legs back and forth just appreciating the view from his spot. Peter feels truly nothing right now, not about his impending death or anything in particular. He is stalling because there is one thing left he has to do and he is wondering if he will do it.

From under his shirt he takes out the necklace with all of their wedding rings, he stares at it a little bit, before he dangles it over the edge of the building. The world is quiet and muffled, like it has never been before.

Peter thought that he knew forsaken well, being raised for it, but here it was even more intoxicating. He recalls vaguely Elias explain to him that because the amount of living creatures in the game is so small compared to the earth, and some of the things that live here are not developed enough to fear most of what their entities represent, they started to feed more from them while at the same time amping up their powers.

That plus their fight with the horrorterrors above made them more dangerous.The game was collapsing from the force of the supernatural things that followed them trying to survive by messing with it from the inside.

Finally what Annabelle said came to mind too, that they would be bringing them too in their trip to the new session. Peter thinks that it makes no sense. If they were getting so bad here, would it not make sense to drop them to die while they ran? Not that he would want to exist without forsaken by his side, god's no, he would rather burn on this planet than to do that, he wouldn't even know what to do.

Still those are all thoughts for those who like to overthink and speculate, he merely wants to see the place a little before death, his grip on the necklace slackens, but he doesn't drop it yet.

He cant.

Because there is one last thing he has to do before that.

FORSAKENTUNDRA started pestering WATCHERSCROWN and BEATINGHEART

FT: Hello

WC: THERE YOU ARE!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW??

BH: Peter what the everloving hell!! Where were you?! How could no one find you!!!!

FT: Did Annabelle and Simon get there yet?

WC: DO NOT IGNORE ME PETER LUKAS OR SO HELP ME

BH: No, you three are the only ones missing , we haven't seen Simon since yesterday when he teleported out of the meeting. What is going on??

WC: You reached God Tier!!

FT: I did and no thanks to you, considering you pretty much left me for dead after your archivist killed me. Anyways, they will tell you, once they get there I'm supposed to start this whole thing.

FT: Hopefully it all ends soon.

BH: End what soon? Peter?? We did try to find you, but you were gone!

WC: Peter what did Annabelle tell you? Whatever she said is merely manipulation. You should know better, that's how she got all of us to play in the first place!

FT: She didn't lie, in fact she was right in what she told me.

FT: You are all so busy trying to stop it, but it's sort of pointless at this rate. The entities messed it all up beyond repair, maybe if we were quicker and didn't take so long it would be a different story, but as it stands.

FT: We are kind of doomed.

WC: You are not being funny.

FT: I wasn't trying to be.

BH: Peter even still there aren't any other choices to be done.

FT: There is, you should know it, that's your entire point after all. Be a guide and all that. What would have happened to you? If we won? Do you split up and I get my cat back and you go back to being a dusty old corpse in the basement of the institute?

FT: Ah If only, but it doesn't work like that does it? No, i'm stuck with the lesser and fake version of one regency bastard. Your only charm is that you remind me too much of my cat to want to get rid of you.

BH: …..

WC: Peter what the bloody hell is wrong with you-?!

FT: Not much. Anyways I just wanted to have the last word for once in our marriages.

FT: So shut the fuck up Jonah.

WC: !!!!

FT: You were the worst thing that could happen to me. Made me lonely? Sure, but not worth the effort, not worth the years of dealing with your brand of power, perhaps you think the same of me and that's.. that's actually right. Better even.

FT: You know, i actually thought that i loved you? In whatever capacity there was for us to have that. We fought, we split up, we made up and made out. Rinse and repeat.

FT: There were a few good things true, but now I realize that out of the two of us, you were always the one with the advantage, which was unfair. Let's say this is the last divorce, no papers no nothing, albeit it probably would be more akin to becoming a widow. Enjoy the new world.

WC: What the HELL?!

FT: Im throwing away the rings, i can't bring myself to care anymore.

WC: Peter I don't care what the hell is wrong with you, the moment I see you I'm breaking your spine on sight. What do you think you are playing at here huh? Oh look at you throwing a temper tantrum, if you could take your head out of that bloody fog of yours it would be delightful! But unfortunately you are the single handedly more dense human on this rock.

WC: Do i need to spell out to you, how much you are being an unreasonable ungrateful, dumpster fire of an avatar?!

BH: Elias

WC: Do i need to remind you who you are speaking with and what i will do once i find you? I'm going to shove so many memories of people into your thick head.

BH: ELIAS

WC: WHAT!?

FT: I hate you.

FT: No, that would mean I care about you still, no I don't care about you anymore i'm finally at the place i should be and i'm finally getting what i always dreamed off. You can both shove off to the new session once im done with this and fuck off to go and get another stupid idiot to serve you. I pray you have the decency to pick someone not from my family if they exist in the new earth.

FT: But i doubt it, you are a terrible creature and so am i, but i think that out of the two of us at the very least i was loyal, something you could never be. Do you know why I died by your archivist? I refused to answer what your plan about him was.

FT: You told me to help you while you were dying to reach your quest bed and I did, you wanted me to replace you and look after the institute I did. We made bets and games, but ultimately I always did what you asked. And I know you would never do the same, you just can't, because you don't want to.

FT: Im tired of this little stupid game between us, it has gone for too long and it has no winner. I'm tired of you. I have never mattered to you beyond what i could offer and that was fine, but then it wasnt and yes.

FT: I got jealous of your stupid sprite. That finally made me realize the truth, i dont matter and i never did. Not to you or anyone, so for that i shall thank you. You finally made me reach true loneliness.

FT: But still, even then that feeling has sort of faded away by now too, a lot of things faded away really. If you could be kind enough to do me one favour, it would be to tell Martin that it would all go to him once this is over, the forsaken will cling to him next if I'm gone. Maybe it just eats him, it would serve his boyfriend right for killing me first.

FT: I don't care about you Jonah, not anymore. Either of you. Please do not contact me ever again, albeit i wont be alive much longer for you to try to.

FORSAKENTUNDRA is offline.

WC: Peter come back here now! How- HOW DARE YOU??

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange part 8

This is just a bunch of random things that amuse me from this au, i will try to keep them in a coherent order but no gaurantees.

Everyone in Marinette’s friend group (Max, Kim, Alix, Nino, Sabrina and (somehow) Chloe) has at least one color unique to them, some with a secondary or pattern, to show that they are psuedo-family.

Chloe mentioned the idea after listening to Adrikins go on about anime magic girls and go off on Sailor Moon for too many days.

The group starts it as a joke—if you dont wear your color, you are mad at someone in the group enough to disown them. Wearing someone else’s color meant you saw them as really close compred to the others. Wearing all of the colors meant you felt very loved by the group and are proud damnit!

Chloe picked yellow, and added stripes as her pattern just incase they added another yellow later.

Sabrina demanded purple and argyle patterns as hers. Why? “Purple is mystery i will solve them all!”

Max picked green and decided collared shirts were his domain. Sabrina and him foght over this sometimes, as ‘no we both like this, Not eachother.’

Kim called Red and yellow, since he likes chlow he called her color as his secondary.

Sabrina picked up on the meaning and so did Nino. It didnt register for Marinette, Nino and Max.

Chloe claims this is why she wanted a pattern too.

Alix demands black as her color, despite Max’s protests that no, black is not a color. Alix says she’s all the colors as black, and picked stripes as her pattern like Chloe. Alix has her stripes as knit fingerless gloves, while Chloe wears hers as a shirt.

Nino call blue, and specified his hat as proof of friendship. When he is mad at them he doesnt wear it and everyone assumes a war is going on between him and someone. He forgot it one day and everyone was worried.

Marinette kicks kim and says she wanted Red. In the end she agree to either red or oink—depending on whatever rules her parents made about her wearing any color too much. She picked her signiture flower design as her pattern.

Why is this important?

Becuase now whenever any of them dont wear one if these colors or patterns visibly, it means someone did something and the school intervenes.

So the day Marinette came in early with a too big faded red hoodie and Kim was late without his red on, there was Tension.

He chases Marinette to get his hoodie back. She refuses, dodging and weaving until he ends up in the art class and Oh.

Marinette chucks a better red hoodie sweatshirt at him while saying “this should stop the shippers!”

No one but Chloe and Sabrina knew what that meant. Both were embarassed. They mentioend people thought Kim was crushing on her since his hoodie was getting pinker, and she did wear a lot of faded reds and pinks.

It did not stop the shippers. Only made them swap from romantic ship to ‘oh god these are destructive sibling cinnamon rolls’.

Becuase kim almost crying while tackling Marinette in a hug, in public, while Marinette goes off on him having bà’s hearing and squirming to escape and start another game of chase?

Intense ‘dorky brother loves his new sister who wants to play not be mushy in public’ energy that no one was stopping.

—

For those wondering, yes these kids have group sleepovers—boy’s night, girl’s night and ‘everyone night’ usually at Marinette or Chloe’s for the everyones. Yes, these are weekly.

—

Chat noir keeps trying to claim Marinette’s room as his part of the miraculous team’s base.

In this au both he and Ladybug have chosen weilders for various miraculous. They are partners but do lead two teams—Marinette’s focused on support, civlians, and strategy and his focused on combating akumas.

Due to this, Ladybug has a team she oversees, and Chat has a team he oversees.

Fu uses this to decide which would make the better gaurdian, as he trains them both here.

Marinette regrets being the only weilder Tikki approves of weilding her due to how the Cure works is people died. Marinette has to relive their death and decide if they should come back or not (was it too truamatic to go on after living it herself? Did they want to live? Questions like that are hers to answer). She is happy to share her job as Ladybug with other ladybug weilders, but is the only one who can cast the cure if there’s death involved.

Adrien is known to not be a perfect fit for the Black Cat, and he agrees that if a better cat comes along, he will give up his role as Chat Noir but not as a member of the team. Fu admits to him he’s a peacock more than cat early on, and while adrien loves plagg—that’s his cat-god-dad—he knows as a guardian trainee he has to do what’s best for the kwami and Paris. He agrees to training potential cats as Aspik until they can find, reclaim and fix the peacock.

Identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir are kept from each other to prevent them being an easy target for the Hawkmoth in this au. Others can know, but unless they weild a miraculous its dangerous given Nooroo’s weilder is their foe. Also name drops can be a thing and its bad all over.

Marinette is insistent on the secret identities being kept as she doesnt want to compromise her identity as a civilian that is not a meta when Ladybug is a known meta. The Miraculous she’s iffy on, and Tikki admits thst if they werent facing Nooroo, it was normal for all weilders to know eachother’s identites for covers and alibis and such.

Chat is upset about this until she mentions how metas are treated and her being out as a meta as ladybug but not as a civilian and why. Then he’s pissed at the govenrment and starts helping out at protests and crashes anti-meta rallies in Paris on Ladybug’s behalf, and points out that if it wasnt for a tiny meta none of them would be alive after syrenx, so shut up. He accepts her stance and only asks if he can tell her his identity when hawkmoth is done for.

Marinette agrees to post-hawkmoth reveal between them. Their teams hate that only the bugs and cats cant know each other’s identities as bugs and cats. Miraculouses are swapped like candy here, so you may know one hero is also another hero but not civlilin id or vice-versa

Yeah, writer salt here rather than character salt. Especially to how the characters were treated.

—

On Marinette’s powers, she does have them escalate as she grows and doesnt use her treatments. She takes her meds to prevent this as she’s already scared if her abilities when she leaves them unchecked for too long.

Her treatment is mircodosing kryptonite to keep the kryptonian part from taking over completely. She has all the abilities only when she’s more kryptonian than human cells at the time. Kryptonian cells multiply faster which is why she heals faster.

Max is the only one that she knows knows about her powers in Paris.

Sabine is implied to have an inkling but she ignores her own inkling often. Marinette thinks her mom is pretending she doesnt have powers.

Tom does notice but has no idea how to help, so he’s a cheerleader dad and helps her hide damage sometimes. They have a pact that they dont talk about the time she flipped him, and he fixes whatever she broke, no questions asked.

—

Side thing but when the miraculous come into play, warning that i will use character non-hero name for what they’re thinking and saying, while their hero-name is for what they are phsycially doing, as some will change mid-fight.

—

Hey i know this wasnt the expected update, but its more idk how to do Jason as Red Hood finding Marinette again.

First option is he was hunting strange, saw a picture of her on his desk and she calls strange asking about jow she should keep hiding since the restrictions just got worse on metas and she’s scared and ‘are you sure i cant just stay in Gotham? I...i dont feel safe here anymore’ and then Jason going on a Quest to find her in Paris, weird-happy reunion, and he goes back to Paris to live with Strange and work on things as Red Hood where Marinette can’t—mainly ground work. She helps him coordiante with the batfam via Tim, and handles gang attack coordination between Gotham Police, Batfam, Jason and RKC. Zsasz calls Jason his apprentice and trains him on hitman etiquette, guns, and yes, his signature form of ‘conditonal promises’. He was given League of Assassin Training, just cant recall it actively (talia gets memory magic becuase i said so. Blocked it until it would be safe for Jason to process here). He does not go to school, he just tracks down who he wants and ensures they cant hurt people. Is a bit obsessed with this when Marinette and Rose dont stop him by force.

Second Option is they both are targetting the same gang and their bust night is the same. Marinette helps him out in her Harley knock-off outfit (new and improved) while she evacuates the girls making the drugs, and Jason is just hunting dealers to find the drug den, finds a small girl dangling a major drug dealer, while Rose is there with the others tied up in plants. He gets caught by Rose, who recognizes his mark. He doesnt remember much about who he was as Robin, mostly as Red hoodie and is so confused. Marinette claims him as her brother and from there Rose takes on a new brother, dumps him on Strange as ‘i am many things, but i dont think i can handle memory loss and whatever happened to him. You do, so fix it.’ Strange winds up adopting him and Tom and Sabine encouraging him to add them as legal gaurdians. Here Jason is listed then on as Tod J. Smith—he cant remember his name in the right order so that’s what he got. His red hood outfit is revamped by Marinette, who coordinates his attacks on gangs with Batman’s, Gotham Police’s, and the RKC’s attempts at gang busts to maximize gang minimization. Somehow Joker starts helping J as a fellow J-J in Marinette’s life, with Zsasz claiming Jason as his apprentice. He does remember the League Training, but isnt sure if he was Robin and if he could be again if he was given that he was a their and kills the worst of the worst (mostly) of his own volition. Here is does go to school in Gotham.

In both Gina kidnaps him for chrismas with the family like she does with Strange. In Both he’s a teen still (hasnt aged since the Pit) and it takes Marinette and Tikki working together so he can later on (maybe? Idk on that point)

Comment which option you like better, becuase i cant choose.

And yes, rogues will be involved again soon.

@ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @dast218 @weird-pale-blonde-person @mystery-5-5

[weareallfallengods]

Survival

Writing prompt:

If you’re over 25 and haven’t done something remarkable, you are hunted down and killed. Some people invent things. Some make cures for diseases. Others become established members of their community. You’re pushing 30, and somehow not dead yet, even though you cant think of a single thing you’ve done thats remarkable in any way. Why aren’t you dead?

I write for adults about adult themes with adult language. I try to tag possible triggers (but I know I'm not going to get all of them), so if violence or implied death or cussing bothers you, you'll probably want to find a different author.

********************************************

Somehow, that date came up again. Not quite sure how, but somehow, the number circled on my shitty wall calendar with the coffee splatter on it managed to be today. Again. It's been doing that for 5 years now.

At first I wanted to be a surgeon- save people's lives, make a difference, all that shit. Yeah, I was caught up in the hype for a while too. Just like everyone. Thought I'd make some ground-breaking discovery and change the world. Just like everyone. And then, at 22, I flunked out of med school. That was it. Dream over, kaput, fin.

When I opened my termination letter, it was like reading a death sentence. 10 years of prep and study down the drain. 3 years left. 3 years, and no idea what to do. No clue what I could do to save my own life after all those years learning how to save others.I drank for a solid month. I dont even remember that month now. My only memento from it is an entire skip of liquor bottles. It's a miracle I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. Not that I didn't try.

See, I was afraid. Scared, actually. Terrified would be more accurate, if I'm honest. I knew I only had 3 years left until they came for me. Unless I managed to do something extraordinary within the next 3 years, they'd come for me, and the only thing that would remain is a 2 paragraph obituary in the local paper, followed by a vacancy announcement. When you're suddenly forced to confront your own imminent demise, and see every dream, hope and aspiration you'd had evaporate, right in front of your eyes, its perfectly natural to drown that in a swimming pool of vodka.

But then, after a month of drowning, and a week of curing a hangover that would make Satan shudder, I got angry. Like Bruce Banner angry. As I was leaving an all night diner, the notice board caught my eye. Having nothing better to do with my life, I stood there for a while just reading every single card in detail, every single lost cat, every used car, every 5k charity run. And then I saw it. And I thought, "You know what? Fuck it, why not. I've spent all this time trying to do one thing that I've never actually done just whatever I feel like, had hobbies, anything really. Why the fuck not."

And that's how I ended up 2 days later in some shity warehouse district, rolling around on a mat with some dude I didnt even know, sweating and swearing profusely and having the time of my life. "Sasha's Self Defense" it said on the small, weathered and rusted sign on the brick wall out front, next to a door that looked like it had been transported straight from the proverbial gulag.

I'd naively thought this was going to be one of those Karate Kid knock offs for some reason when I first arrived. Sasha soon disabused me of that notion. In fact, when he saw I'd brought a new gi in a duffle bag, he laughed so hard he had to slap his ass down on a rickety folding chair just to keep breathing. Once he calmed his mirth at my expense, he let me know in a no-nonsense, 'I'm an old-timer and seen some shit in my day' heavily accented tone that this would be a class that focused on survival at all costs. "No bullshit wax on-wax off," were his exact words I believe.

And boy was he right. When I told him I'd set aside my year's tuition for lesson payments, well, wouldn't you know it, I became his most prized pupil; I quickly learned this was not a good thing. It meant 14 hours a day of the most humiliatingly punishing activity ever dreamed up by Moscow's Finest. I couldnt even move the morning after my first day. But somehow I limped my battered frame down to the bus stop and was only an hour late. Ha, only. Sasha seemed to take it as a personal insult. The only thing he hated less than sloppiness was tardiness it seemed. Apparently the 10th Circle of Hell was reserved for those who dared be late. And he made you earn your way out of that circle.

His only saving grace was fairness. If I had to suffer, at least I wasnt alone. Well, at first anyway. The few other students that suffered his wrath along side me doing slavic folk dances with wrist and ankle weights very quickly learned that this wasn't the type of class they had thought it was and soon I was alone with Sasha.

On the days I did well, I got treated to pierogies. Oh man, I lived for those pierogies. They were made by angels and served by someone I can only describe as if Jesus came back as a woman. Who was Russian. And spoke even less english than Sasha, if that was possible. His sister was as completely opposite to that sadistic maniac as it was possible to be and still be a human being. Where he was loud, she was soft. Where he was tough, she was gentle. Where he was strict, she was generous, even indulgent. Blonde to his brunette. Slim to his barrel chest. Cousin by marriage, I think they said. Well, relatives of some kind anyway. And she was the only one who could make him laugh. And when he laughed, the whole block knew! He was just that loud, that boisterous, with everything he did.

But I loved his little Anya. Just like everyone. But like in a wholesome, mom-ish kind of way. I loved her because I got to sit for an hour when she was around. Because she"d always tuck a to-go container of pierogies into my bag. Because she'd chide Sasha for pushing me too hard. In short, she was an angel.

But I have to hand it Sasha- in 4 months, he took a scrawny bookworm into someone who could pose for Men's Health. In 6 months, I could beat Ivan, his partner, in 5/10 sparring matches. In 7 months, I ran a marathon. In 9, he had me enter a triathalon. And I made it into the top 50 out of 500 entrants. Not too bad if I say so myself. In 12 months, I was beating Ivan almost every time.

And that's when the other Ivan showed up. After a year, Sasha decided it was time I learned weaponry. After all, no real fight was fair, he said. And Ivan (another cousin? Sasha had one heck of an extended family) instructed me on everything from broken beer bottles, to knives and pool cues. And my medical training paid off, because more often than not, I was the one stitching myself up if training got a little rough that day.

Eventually, I moved into the gym. Not sure how it happened, but I think I just got too tired to leave one day and never really left. Sasha didnt seem to mind since it meant I wasnt ever late again. Plus the coffee he imported was the best thing ever. Like it was so good that's probably the Extraordinary Thing he did to live as long as he had.

The days just melted together, into one long symphony of beautiful exhaustion and physical torment, as I poured myself into the first activity I could remember doing purely because I wanted to, something that numbed the dread of the finality of my life expectancy.

But then one day, one specific day, the one I'd been dreading in the back of my mind for a year came around.

They found me.

I guess they were a little slow in finding me, not surprising since I'd basically just disappeared from my old life, no forwarding address type thing. It wasnt intentional, it just sort of happened, what with me diving head first into something purely for me, without the thought of doing it for someone else. But they found me. Just like they find everybody.

See, it doesnt matter if you try to run, if you move, or change your name. They always find you eventually. I just hadn't thought about it in a long while. That year was the first time since I was probably 14 that I'm hadn't thought about the Gardeners. I guess that's why it surprised me so much.

Yeah, Gardeners. I dont know who came up with the name, in guess some misguided attempt at a positive PR spin bullshit to pass off squads of government assassins who's only job was to track down the NCs of the world and eliminate them. Sorry, NCs- Non-Contributors; the people who hit their expiration date without doing something noteworthy, something that was deemed to "advance or bolster the Human Condition" to borrow a phrase from the civics classes we had to take every fucking year of school. A cutesy sounding name that was supposed to make the government sound like a benevolent old couple pulling weeds from their garden of humanity. The worst lies always sound the sweetest, dont they?

And I was now 25.

It happened a few weeks after my birthday. Just another routine day for me, going for a light 5k run after my soak in a mineral bath. Light rain, most of the streetlights out, the few lights on in the warehouse district reflected beautifully off the streets. That's why I ran at night, all the colors changed that normally bleak neighborhood into something beautiful. It was just one little thing to balance out the harshness of reality, and I reveled in it.

I don't actually remember what happened exactly. I do recall seeing a suspiciously conspicuous homeless guy huddled under a loading dock awning, and then just a flash of movement from the corner of my eye. I think it happened really quickly; at least that's what Sasha said the next morning as he was making arrangements for me to visit another cousin of his "back in the old country". It could have been. God, after seeing the bodies around me in the aftermath, I hope, for their sake, that it was fast. 5 bodies. All still. I still remember my breath turning to blue fog, blurring the details of them. Helping me to be able to pretend I didn't see the blood mixing with the rain and oil, spreading out over the concrete like a macabre inversion of the cloudy sky above.

I'm glad they wore masks. It's bad enough having that scene burned into my brain forever, without specific people's faces being etched there as well. I'm glad I dont see their faces in my mind every time I close my eyes. I just wish I could still enjoy the rain. They managed to take that from me, even if I'm still breathing, so I guess they didnt completely fail. They just killed a part of my soul instead. But hey, there's plenty of people that don't like the rain, right? But I bet they don't smell blood when it does though.

And that was pretty much it. No sirens, no manhunt, nothing. Before I could process what was happening, I was on a bus, headed for "the old country", which, as near as I could tell, looked an awful lot like Pittsburg. Sasha's 'cousin' met me at the bus depot there, a man of very few words. Not as loud as his cousin, Zhena tended to communicate with looks, grunts and shrugs mostly. Same work ethic though.

And then the cycle repeated- 14 months this time before they caught up with me. Too bad that Zhena got caught up in it, he was a great guy. He and I didn't really become close or buddies or anything, but it still hurt to see what happened to him. To what was left of him anyway. The Gardeners definitely were trying to send a message with that. To quote an old wise man, "I didnt want to know, but now I do, and I'm telling you, you dont want to know." And that's coming from someone who was training to become a surgeon, so just trust me on this one.

This time, they were waiting for me. I think they'd planned on Zhena being enough of a distraction that they'd be able to take me out easily, but since since I woke up the next day on the floor of the sparring ring in a too large pool of blood that wasnt my own, I'd say they failed. The difference this time was I was on my own. No 'cousins' to call in favors from. No family I could call because I didnt want them getting a visit from the Gardeners either. I was alone this time.

Weirdly, I was actually OK with that. I'd been surrounded by family, teachers, advisors, tutors for so long that solitude was actually kind of nice. I could hear myself think my own thoughts for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I'm not ashamed to say that I took what little of value there was from Zhena's gym (I knew him well enough to know that Sasha was his only family) so that I could get a seedy hotel for a while. I did at least have the decency to let Sasha know, and that that would be the last he ever heard from me, to keep him out of trouble. Bad enough that 10 people were already dead, I didn't want Sasha or Anya's name added to that list because of me.

And so I vanished. Completely. Sure I travelled, kept studying and training like I had been, but never staying longer than a few months, never using the same name, copying other random people's habits and patterns so I didnt have one of my own for them to track down. Yeah it was cliche, but hey, I figured my dad watching all those spy flicks when I was young had to be good for something, right?

Sometimes I was a baker, sometimes a delivery driver, even a dock hand. Whatever it took to make a buck so I could eat.

I got really good at other things too. Like disposing of bodies. Not really a skill I ever thought I'd want or need, but Necessity is a harsh and demanding teacher. Sadly, my skill as a surgeon came in handy- bodies are easier to get rid of when they're in smaller pieces. And people are easier to turn into bodies when you know how they're put together intimately. Not what I had in mind for my life, but since it was the choice between this or dying, well, I guess I can put up with it.

I suppose that catches us all up to the present, more or less. OK yeah theres a lot that's gone down between Pittsburg and now, but it was all pretty much the same: lather, rinse, repeat. Literally sometimes. Those were the days it felt like there wasnt enough soap in the world to get all the blood off.

So here I am, I'm my single room in Kandahar, staring at the date that had somehow come up again. Every year, they send someone. Usually a team. And I survive. No matter how they come at me, or when or how many. I survive.

And I'm sitting here, staring at the calendar, steaming cup of espresso, just staring, as a light breeze fluttered the corner of the calendar page, sending the orchids dancing in the vase next to it. All I could think is, "How? How does this keep happening? I'm not even supposed to be here, not supposed to be alive."

As I raised my cup of espresso, something slid under my door. "OK that's weird," I said aloud as I stood.

The chair made an ungodly screech as I pushed it back and made my way over to where a small, cream colored envelope sat on the floor, a couple inches from the bottom of the door. It was heavy for it's size, but not because anything was in it, just the paper was that thick. Probably hand-made. It's odd the little things you notice in times of stress. Heavy, rough paper, no postmark, nothing written on the outside, just the flap tucked in, not even sealed. Reminded me of how my mother used to give out birthday cards. I always thought that was a little weird, but it was just one of her quirks that made her even more endearing to everyone.

I sat down a little heavier than I had planned and felt the chair crack a little. There was a single sheet of paper inside, folded in half; I was right- handmade paper. But that wasnt important, what was important was the heavy, blocky hand-written message it contained.

"We've been looking for you for a long time. It has come to my attention that you may have something unique to contribute after all. We may have been too hasty in judging your Ability to be a Contributor. I believe you do actually have a remarkable Ability to Survive. I'd like to speak to you this afternoon in the plaza outside the Blue Mosque. I will be alone, and you can approach me, so as to allay your justifiable suspicions. I will have a silver coffee set on the table in front of me.

I believe we can help each other, if you're willing to listen to my proposition.

-Soon,

Baddar"

Well, this is interesting.

[beautyindisguise00]

Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others?

Thursday October 1 2020 @2:53pm

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? last weekend. my boyfriend

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? my grandma. i’d ask her how she felt about how things are going with the big three family now

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? my grandma

4. How would you describe your current mood? calm and relaxed

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? crying myself to sleep last night. ugh, im so sensitive sometimes.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? i dont remember. haha

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? still have my v-card,but the bed. haha

8. What is your earliest memory? getting lost at a sports tournament. haha

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? i drink by myself, but not to get drunk

10. What type of a drunk are you? very chatty and giddy

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? there’s a lot.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? last weekend to a guy friend, Luke last weekend to my boyfriend a few weeks ago to my best friend, Angela all where of different feelings, but thankfully they were all very accepting

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? visiting a friend who was in a motorcycle accident

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? i haven’t been through a bad breakup and i hope i wont ever, but if i ever do. i’d probably cry myself to sleep each night and go through the motions through the day. i’d stay off social media until i’m ready to show my ex what he’s lost

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? i’ve never done drugs

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? forgetting to log out of my facebook messenger on my mom’s phone....

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? someone’s who’s kind. goes out of their way to help others. and many more. i can be a good person, but im not always

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? enjoy life. be kind to others. bring glory to God

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? animals should be treated with care and kindness. 

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? my boyfriend and i were out with his family

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? not love myself like i should be. form options about me without getting to know me

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? depends on who you are

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? we just grew apart. neither one of us put effort in the friendship anymore

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? not anymore, i’ve learned and moved on

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? i havent been yelled at in a while.

26. Where did your last injury come from? no major injuries lately. the last one i can recall was when one of my kiddos rammed into my toes and my toe nail chipped off

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? uhhhh, neck kisses, dirty talk, nip play. hahahaha

28. What are you like during arguments? stubborn. haha. and i try to be right all the time. 

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? they’re a b

30. Where do you like to be kissed? lips and neck

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? the first one

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? i was tired, sleep deprived, had a migraine from drinking too much. so i got upset at my boyfriend, but at least i knew not to say anything i’d regret to him.  we talked about it the day after and we’re all good now.

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? if i wasnt already with my mom, then my mom. i’d tell her i love her and everyone else. i would want to hear her voice before i go.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? i’d tell those who are important to me first and spend as much time as i could with them.at first, i’d be afraid, but i know where i’m going so i’d just miss everyone more than anything

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? i dont see the choices

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? i can’t see my boss saying that to me, but i’d do my best to save that dog

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? well, essentially, they’re the same people so I’d end up getting hurt by both

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? my best friend is my boyfriend. haha

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? yes. I’d do that for my boyfriend so he’d be able to send one more hour with his grandpa

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? yes. haha

41. Does love = sex? not for everyone

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? honestly no. I also have financial things to take care of my own. I would very horrible, but i just can’t

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? just shared my intimacy life with a guy friend on a long road trip. nothing too bad, but i dont really talk about stuff that personal to me. haha

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? that i didn’t love them back or more so the feeling was not mutual 

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? my love for people. you can’t tell me to stop loving someone

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? my kiddos at work

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? honestly, i cant think of anything. not saying this last month was perfect, but it wasnt too bad

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? uhh, a wwe fighter. haha jk probably my boyfriend

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? yes. i’d always to try save a life

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? neither one of my grandmas are here 

51. Are you old fashioned? in some ways

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? work. haha

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? how it is true love when there’s a broken heart?

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? being able to travel anywhere and anytime

55. What was the last thing you ate? a chocolate chip muffin

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? guys who are kind to others, athletic, and hott. haha. honest truth

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? they drunk way to much and got on my nerves

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex at a time? vcard stil here but when my boyfriend comes to visit, we get intimate about 2-3 time a day. hahahaha morning, mid day, and night. lol

59. What reality shows do you watch? not much. sometimes KUWTK here and there 60. Post a video of yourself here: no thank you

61. Where do you work? at a daycare

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? no i always check the plates

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? tj maxx

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? teacher. haha

65. What’s your most irrational fear? use to be dolls. ahaha

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? i have about five saved on my car, but i dont really listen to the radio often. i usually just listen to my own music

67. What kind of music do they have? today’s top hits and Christian

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? hawaii!!

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? depends some yes some i’d pass

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? i dont have any planned right now

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? the meeting we had

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? nah, depends on the person but a quick hug is okay if we’re not that close, but if we are then sure, hug on!

[twobearshifiving]

my coworker is always doing this shit where she’ll say something nasty that sets off minor alarms but technically could mean something more innocent, or i guess ignorant, so i usually just brush it off with “i don’t know what to tell you, thats how it is, i don’t see a problem with it” because i love getting paid and she’s absolutely the file-a-complaint type

but today she was too obvious and i’m onto her

like i KNOW she’s conservative you can just feel it on her but for a year or so it never became an issue because she wouldn’t run her mouth at me so much

like now she’ll just come up to me sometimes out of the blue and comment like how “that trump soundclip actually IS how all men talk my husband told me” which some of you may remember the post i made about it and literally just made me feel bad for her gullible ass and her gross husband

or “i can’t believe people are angry that we sell o’reilley books, someone just yelled at me about it” which i THOUGHT was going to turn into a conversation about how we can’t control which products we carry, until she started going off about how he was being treated unfairly (i dont know that anyone actually complained, i certainly didnt see or hear them "yell”)

she uses the phrase “those people” in reference to a random person a lot and won’t elaborate when i ask which people specifically she’s referring to

she has DEFINITELY been accused of profiling at least twice in three years (which she vehemently denies every time)

and there were probably a couple dozen other weird little incidents when she’d make some neutral comment about some ultracon asshole or complain about her daughters middle eastern husband (just like the whole middle east?) “but that’s not why i’m mad its because he’s difficult with me”

or every type of customer under the sun and it hurts me to say that one because the WORST thing for my anxiety is shopping and feeling like my presence alone is making people around me uncomfortable to shop or work, and some of the shallow garbage she’s said about patrons and once our MANAGER was literally just mean

i distinctly remember waiting at the door with her once to be let in for a morning shift, and our short, chubby manager was taking awhile to get to the door because the store is very long and coworker mutters “hurry up, fatass” and then like grins at me as if she told a joke? 

sometimes she complains about rude people, but i can’t forgive her for the ones that didn’t offend anyone or pester us, it was just like the most superficial shit about passersby and even though i’m pretty much fine in a store now because i’ll just buy my shit fast and get out, i can’t help that it makes me feel like the fucking fruit guy is mocking my outfit from behind his hairnet

what she did today was come up to me and say, with no warm up or prompting, “you know, this bruce jenner thing wouldn’t be so freaky to me if he hadn’t won all those medals” and i kind of was speechless for a second because i hadn’t heard anyone use those pronouns or that name for her in months, certainly not my family or my store, and we had just had a meeting about her book the day before

i kinda halfassedly mentioned that CAITLYN wouldn’t have been allowed to compete in women’s olympic events because SHE wasn’t even out, policy probably wouldn’t have allowed it had SHE been, and people (like coworker) would have complained that a transwoman was beating a cis woman and it wasnt fair (i said a woman who was born a woman because i didn’t want to extend the conversation by explaining cis to her)

like i KNOW it’s caitlyn jenner and she sucks for a multitude of reasons but i still felt bad about not getting more firm about it like i clearly made it a point that i wasn’t about to hitch a ride on her transphobia train but i wish i’d said something about it being disrespectful or whatever

like now that i’m recalling it and writing it down as like a list, i’m realizing how often she’s trying to prod me and see where my lines are drawn and how much she can actually kiss my ass now that i think about it

most of my coworkers are also extremely liberal/anti-capitalism and are very loud about it, “i’ll ride with you” pins on their bags and whatnot. she knows this, so i don’t think she does that to them. i don’t think she even TALKS to most of them, actually, unless she has to.

but i dont have that kinda stuff, and though i dress like a dirty hippie sometimes and never talk shit at work. i talk shit about trump and she knows this and hasn’t weighed in, but the circumstances of her liking me are entirely based on the fact that a lot of it just never came up

and she DOES like me she literally asked me to LIVE IN HER HOUSE with her dog for a whole week because she “didn’t trust anyone else to do it” (i declined because she SHOULDN’T and i WOULD smoke in her yard and probably drop cig ashes and burn bowls all over the place; also she was going to pay me $30 total and that was not worth it to me to be a live-in dog nanny for the poor man’s anne coulter)

so maybe that’s an opportunity for me to be like “hey, you trust me, you gotta listen and stop doing that shit, even if it feels like you’re fighting yourself on it, because of X and Y reasons” or at least pulling her aside and explaining that i don’t agree with her and i’m too afraid to say so on the clock and that i’d appreciate it if she stopped trying to find a way to bring me in on this kind of shit but it’s very hard to be prepared to have a politics fight at fucking 7:25 am and it stress me :(

[azaraspirit]

im bored so here’s some stuff from my shiro/azara fic that ill never write. i have a couple aus but im in the mood for the original voltron verse @meimagino @sweetlances @kitausu i could write this but im just so fucking lazy so have this instead (i would love feed back. like a lot...please? im so nervous that this sucks)

Voltron rescues my oc azara from floating around in a pod in space

when she wakes up she doesnt remember anything like how she ended up in the pod

keith doesnt trust her

they let her stay at the castle since she has no where else to go or no memory of her past

coran keeps an eye on her, thinking that her memory will come in time

in the mean time, shiro decides she can be a valuable member of the team and trains her

allura is pleased to have another lady in the castle (SO MUCH TESTOSTERONE IN HERE)

turns out she’s not the worst fighter. she kicks shiro’s butt a few times.

by this point everyone befriends azara except for keith

azara is hella impressed by all of the lions and thinks they’re bad ass. 

obv lance hits on her...annoying shiro. (huh i wonder why)

shiro and azara grow close 

she trains with everyone in the castle including keith

keith realizes why he doesnt trust her. he swears he’s seen her fighting style before.

FUCK SAKES SHE FIGHTS LIKE LOTOR. THIS CANT BE A COINCIDENCE.

keith becomes paranoid thinking that she’s a spy from lotor. 

shiro thinks hes nuts. 

azara becomes rather handy in the castle. she quicly learns her way around and helps allura and coran

keith keeps persisting they shouldnt trust her

when gazing at the stars from the castle, shiro joins her

“beautiful isn’t it?’ he asks. “yeah. i never took the time to appreciate them.” she responds

shiro gently rests his hand on hers

JUST THEN SHE EXPERIENCES A MEMORY TRIGGER. (is that what they’re called? idk)

she recalls admiring the stars with someone else. that someone named lotor. 

she quickly collects herself before shiro notices. she remembers everything now. she was sent here from lotor to find voltron’s weakness and destroy them

that night she tries to kill them in her sleep. but she finds herself that she can’t. 

she’s later contacted by lotor. he’s not happy.

azara confesses to shiro about what happened. 

“I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A SPY I FUCKING TOLD YOU.”

“keith ok you made your point calm down.”-shiro

“so we’re banning her right? or can i use my knife?”-keith

“NO.”-shiro

“BUT SHE’S A SPY.”-keith

“keith did you forget the part where she DIDNT murder us?”-hunk

“BUT SHE TRIED”-keith

“for god sake keith plz shut up.”-pidge

“keith does have a point though. what should we do?”-allura

“can i make a suggestion?-keith

“NO.”-everyone

“i know you guys don’t trust me now, im sorry. i dont blame you. but i swear i wont hurt you guys. you guys are like family...i never felt like this when i was with lotor...*fidges with the ring on her finger*”-azara

“wait that’s a wedding ring?”-shiro

“yeah..”-azara

*shiro fails to hide his disappointment*

“HOLD UP. THIS WHOLE I WAS HITTING ON YOU, YOU WE’RE ENGAGED TO LOTOR?”-lance

“it wouldnt have happened even if i wasnt engaged lance.”-azara

“i feel so betrayed.”-lance

“lance she tried to kill you.”-keith

“attempted murder and actual murder are two different things keith”-lance

“omfg”-keith

this would go on forever tbh but eventually they decide not to ban azara despite keith’s disagreement 

they have no idea but lotor is on his way to wreck havoc 

[weareallfallengods]

Reposting because I'm a disaster and don't know how to pin posts.

Survival

Inspiration: If you’re over 25 and haven’t done something remarkable, you are hunted down and killed. Some people invent things. Some make cures for diseases. Others become established members of their community. You’re pushing 30, and somehow not dead yet, even though you cant think of a single thing you’ve done thats remarkable in any way. Why aren’t you dead?

I write for adults about adult themes with adult language. I try to tag possible triggers (but I know I'm not going to get all of them), so if violence or implied death or cussing bothers you, you'll probably want to find a different author.

********************************************

Somehow, that date came up again. Not quite sure how, but somehow, the number circled on my shitty wall calendar with the coffee splatter on it managed to be today. Again. It's been doing that for 5 years now.

At first I wanted to be a surgeon- save people's lives, make a difference, all that shit. Yeah, I was caught up in the hype for a while too. Just like everyone. Thought I'd make some ground-breaking discovery and change the world. Just like everyone. And then, at 22, I flunked out of med school. That was it. Dream over, kaput, fin.

When I opened my termination letter, it was like reading a death sentence. 10 years of prep and study down the drain. 3 years left. 3 years, and no idea what to do. No clue what I could do to save my own life after all those years learning how to save others.I drank for a solid month. I dont even remember that month now. My only memento from it is an entire skip of liquor bottles. It's a miracle I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. Not that I didn't try.

See, I was afraid. Scared, actually. Terrified would be more accurate, if I'm honest. I knew I only had 3 years left until they came for me. Unless I managed to do something extraordinary within the next 3 years, they'd come for me, and the only thing that would remain is a 2 paragraph obituary in the local paper, followed by a vacancy announcement. When you're suddenly forced to confront your own imminent demise, and see every dream, hope and aspiration you'd had evaporate, right in front of your eyes, its perfectly natural to drown that in a swimming pool of vodka.

But then, after a month of drowning, and a week of curing a hangover that would make Satan shudder, I got angry. Like Bruce Banner angry. As I was leaving an all night diner, the notice board caught my eye. Having nothing better to do with my life, I stood there for a while just reading every single card in detail, every single lost cat, every used car, every 5k charity run. And then I saw it. And I thought, "You know what? Fuck it, why not. I've spent all this time trying to do one thing that I've never actually done just whatever I feel like, had hobbies, anything really. Why the fuck not."

And that's how I ended up 2 days later in some shity warehouse district, rolling around on a mat with some dude I didnt even know, sweating and swearing profusely and having the time of my life. "Sasha's Self Defense" it said on the small, weathered and rusted sign on the brick wall out front, next to a door that looked like it had been transported straight from the proverbial gulag.

I'd naively thought this was going to be one of those Karate Kid knock offs for some reason when I first arrived. Sasha soon disabused me of that notion. In fact, when he saw I'd brought a new gi in a duffle bag, he laughed so hard he had to slap his ass down on a rickety folding chair just to keep breathing. Once he calmed his mirth at my expense, he let me know in a no-nonsense, 'I'm an old-timer and seen some shit in my day' heavily accented tone that this would be a class that focused on survival at all costs. "No bullshit wax on-wax off," were his exact words I believe.

And boy was he right. When I told him I'd set aside my year's tuition for lesson payments, well, wouldn't you know it, I became his most prized pupil; I quickly learned this was not a good thing. It meant 14 hours a day of the most humiliatingly punishing activity ever dreamed up by Moscow's Finest. I couldnt even move the morning after my first day. But somehow I limped my battered frame down to the bus stop and was only an hour late. Ha, only. Sasha seemed to take it as a personal insult. The only thing he hated less than sloppiness was tardiness it seemed. Apparently the 10th Circle of Hell was reserved for those who dared be late. And he made you earn your way out of that circle.

His only saving grace was fairness. If I had to suffer, at least I wasnt alone. Well, at first anyway. The few other students that suffered his wrath along side me doing slavic folk dances with wrist and ankle weights very quickly learned that this wasn't the type of class they had thought it was and soon I was alone with Sasha.

On the days I did well, I got treated to pierogies. Oh man, I lived for those pierogies. They were made by angels and served by someone I can only describe as if Jesus came back as a woman. Who was Russian. And spoke even less english than Sasha, if that was possible. His sister was as completely opposite to that sadistic maniac as it was possible to be and still be a human being. Where he was loud, she was soft. Where he was tough, she was gentle. Where he was strict, she was generous, even indulgent. Blonde to his brunette. Slim to his barrel chest. Cousin by marriage, I think they said. Well, relatives of some kind anyway. And she was the only one who could make him laugh. And when he laughed, the whole block knew! He was just that loud, that boisterous, with everything he did.

But I loved his little Anya. Just like everyone. But like in a wholesome, mom-ish kind of way. I loved her because I got to sit for an hour when she was around. Because she"d always tuck a to-go container of pierogies into my bag. Because she'd chide Sasha for pushing me too hard. In short, she was an angel.

But I have to hand it Sasha- in 4 months, he took a scrawny bookworm into someone who could pose for Men's Health. In 6 months, I could beat Ivan, his partner, in 5/10 sparring matches. In 7 months, I ran a marathon. In 9, he had me enter a triathalon. And I made it into the top 50 out of 500 entrants. Not too bad if I say so myself. In 12 months, I was beating Ivan almost every time.

And that's when the other Ivan showed up. After a year, Sasha decided it was time I learned weaponry. After all, no real fight was fair, he said. And Ivan (another cousin? Sasha had one heck of an extended family) instructed me on everything from broken beer bottles, to knives and pool cues. And my medical training paid off, because more often than not, I was the one stitching myself up if training got a little rough that day.

Eventually, I moved into the gym. Not sure how it happened, but I think I just got too tired to leave one day and never really left. Sasha didnt seem to mind since it meant I wasnt ever late again. Plus the coffee he imported was the best thing ever. Like it was so good that's probably the Extraordinary Thing he did to live as long as he had.

The days just melted together, into one long symphony of beautiful exhaustion and physical torment, as I poured myself into the first activity I could remember doing purely because I wanted to, something that numbed the dread of the finality of my life expectancy.

But then one day, one specific day, the one I'd been dreading in the back of my mind for a year came around.

They found me.

I guess they were a little slow in finding me, not surprising since I'd basically just disappeared from my old life, no forwarding address type thing. It wasnt intentional, it just sort of happened, what with me diving head first into something purely for me, without the thought of doing it for someone else. But they found me. Just like they find everybody.

See, it doesnt matter if you try to run, if you move, or change your name. They always find you eventually. I just hadn't thought about it in a long while. That year was the first time since I was probably 14 that I'm hadn't thought about the Gardeners. I guess that's why it surprised me so much.

Yeah, Gardeners. I dont know who came up with the name, in guess some misguided attempt at a positive PR spin bullshit to pass off squads of government assassins who's only job was to track down the NCs of the world and eliminate them. Sorry, NCs- Non-Contributors; the people who hit their expiration date without doing something noteworthy, something that was deemed to "advance or bolster the Human Condition" to borrow a phrase from the civics classes we had to take every fucking year of school. A cutesy sounding name that was supposed to make the government sound like a benevolent old couple pulling weeds from their garden of humanity. The worst lies always sound the sweetest, dont they?

And I was now 25.

It happened a few weeks after my birthday. Just another routine day for me, going for a light 5k run after my soak in a mineral bath. Light rain, most of the streetlights out, the few lights on in the warehouse district reflected beautifully off the streets. That's why I ran at night, all the colors changed that normally bleak neighborhood into something beautiful. It was just one little thing to balance out the harshness of reality, and I reveled in it.

I don't actually remember what happened exactly. I do recall seeing a suspiciously conspicuous homeless guy huddled under a loading dock awning, and then just a flash of movement from the corner of my eye. I think it happened really quickly; at least that's what Sasha said the next morning as he was making arrangements for me to visit another cousin of his "back in the old country". It could have been. God, after seeing the bodies around me in the aftermath, I hope, for their sake, that it was fast. 5 bodies. All still. I still remember my breath turning to blue fog, blurring the details of them. Helping me to be able to pretend I didn't see the blood mixing with the rain and oil, spreading out over the concrete like a macabre inversion of the cloudy sky above.

I'm glad they wore masks. It's bad enough having that scene burned into my brain forever, without specific people's faces being etched there as well. I'm glad I dont see their faces in my mind every time I close my eyes. I just wish I could still enjoy the rain. They managed to take that from me, even if I'm still breathing, so I guess they didnt completely fail. They just killed a part of my soul instead. But hey, there's plenty of people that don't like the rain, right? But I bet they don't smell blood when it does though.

And that was pretty much it. No sirens, no manhunt, nothing. Before I could process what was happening, I was on a bus, headed for "the old country", which, as near as I could tell, looked an awful lot like Pittsburg. Sasha's 'cousin' met me at the bus depot there, a man of very few words. Not as loud as his cousin, Zhena tended to communicate with looks, grunts and shrugs mostly. Same work ethic though.

And then the cycle repeated- 14 months this time before they caught up with me. Too bad that Zhena got caught up in it, he was a great guy. He and I didn't really become close or buddies or anything, but it still hurt to see what happened to him. To what was left of him anyway. The Gardeners definitely were trying to send a message with that. To quote an old wise man, "I didnt want to know, but now I do, and I'm telling you, you dont want to know." And that's coming from someone who was training to become a surgeon, so just trust me on this one.

This time, they were waiting for me. I think they'd planned on Zhena being enough of a distraction that they'd be able to take me out easily, but since since I woke up the next day on the floor of the sparring ring in a too large pool of blood that wasnt my own, I'd say they failed. The difference this time was I was on my own. No 'cousins' to call in favors from. No family I could call because I didnt want them getting a visit from the Gardeners either. I was alone this time.

Weirdly, I was actually OK with that. I'd been surrounded by family, teachers, advisors, tutors for so long that solitude was actually kind of nice. I could hear myself think my own thoughts for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I'm not ashamed to say that I took what little of value there was from Zhena's gym (I knew him well enough to know that Sasha was his only family) so that I could get a seedy hotel for a while. I did at least have the decency to let Sasha know, and that that would be the last he ever heard from me, to keep him out of trouble. Bad enough that 10 people were already dead, I didn't want Sasha or Anya's name added to that list because of me.

And so I vanished. Completely. Sure I travelled, kept studying and training like I had been, but never staying longer than a few months, never using the same name, copying other random people's habits and patterns so I didnt have one of my own for them to track down. Yeah it was cliche, but hey, I figured my dad watching all those spy flicks when I was young had to be good for something, right?

Sometimes I was a baker, sometimes a delivery driver, even a dock hand. Whatever it took to make a buck so I could eat.

I got really good at other things too. Like disposing of bodies. Not really a skill I ever thought I'd want or need, but Necessity is a harsh and demanding teacher. Sadly, my skill as a surgeon came in handy- bodies are easier to get rid of when they're in smaller pieces. And people are easier to turn into bodies when you know how they're put together intimately. Not what I had in mind for my life, but since it was the choice between this or dying, well, I guess I can put up with it.

I suppose that catches us all up to the present, more or less. OK yeah theres a lot that's gone down between Pittsburg and now, but it was all pretty much the same: lather, rinse, repeat. Literally sometimes. Those were the days it felt like there wasnt enough soap in the world to get all the blood off.

So here I am, I'm my single room in Kandahar, staring at the date that had somehow come up again. Every year, they send someone. Usually a team. And I survive. No matter how they come at me, or when or how many. I survive.

And I'm sitting here, staring at the calendar, steaming cup of espresso, just staring, as a light breeze fluttered the corner of the calendar page, sending the orchids dancing in the vase next to it. All I could think is, "How? How does this keep happening? I'm not even supposed to be here, not supposed to be alive."

As I raised my cup of espresso, something slid under my door. "OK that's weird," I said aloud as I stood.

The chair made an ungodly screech as I pushed it back and made my way over to where a small, cream colored envelope sat on the floor, a couple inches from the bottom of the door. It was heavy for it's size, but not because anything was in it, just the paper was that thick. Probably hand-made. It's odd the little things you notice in times of stress. Heavy, rough paper, no postmark, nothing written on the outside, just the flap tucked in, not even sealed. Reminded me of how my mother used to give out birthday cards. I always thought that was a little weird, but it was just one of her quirks that made her even more endearing to everyone.

I sat down a little heavier than I had planned and felt the chair crack a little. There was a single sheet of paper inside, folded in half; I was right- handmade paper. But that wasnt important, what was important was the heavy, blocky hand-written message it contained.

"We've been looking for you for a long time. It has come to my attention that you may have something unique to contribute after all. We may have been too hasty in judging your Ability to be a Contributor. I believe you do actually have a remarkable Ability to Survive. I'd like to speak to you this afternoon in the plaza outside the Blue Mosque. I will be alone, and you can approach me, so as to allay your justifiable suspicions. I will have a silver coffee set on the table in front of me.

I believe we can help each other, if you're willing to listen to my proposition.

-Soon,

Baddar"

Well, this is interesting.