#If I’ve forgotten any lists or anything that people think should be on here let me know!!! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 14 years ago

Text

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2010 I sometimes wish the planet weren’t so big and that it was as easy to meet cyber friends in person as they are online. How nice it would be to run over to Wales and meet Mitch, then hop on over to Germany and maybe meet my new friend Nane and practice our German/English, then drop down to Italy to meet Marilena, though that one just might happen someday. And of course I’d run to my folks in Florida every so often, and meet Alison and Kim right here in the good ole United States of Screw-Ups.

Tom went to bed and if it ever gets below 80º out there I’ll go out for my run. It might not make it down there before it gets dark, so I’ll just have to deal with it. It’s better than being cold. It got down to 71º in here this morning and it was freezing to me! I don’t know why I’m so damn sensitive to cold yet can take the heat very well. I’m so glad it’s to be close to 100º all week.

Tom’s first day of work went well. He’s in the testing area for now. He said it was kind of weird that they have no security or anything in the building, but Grass Valley isn’t like Rocklin either. He also thought it odd that they don’t have any kind of quality assurance department.

We called my folks and gave them the good news. They were thrilled for us as were Eileen and Mitch. Dad joked at first and asked if he was going to be governor of California, LOL. I told them I started my 7th language and asked Dad to guess what it was after telling him it began with an e. He guessed Egyptian, LOL. He pointed out that good things happen in threes. He got the job, so next, he’ll be hired on and then the Beanie Babies will sell which he said he thinks we were doing wrong. He said we should have listed one for $1.99 + $4.99 shipping instead of 99¢ + $5.99 shipping. Actually, we’re going to try some large lots.

I agree with him, though, that Tom will get hired on. Where most people either hate or love me, everybody likes Tom, LOL.

Tom also called Jesse to let him know we’ll pay the rent in full on Saturday and about the job.

I will be in training tonight and will try to get some work done on the book as well. I was just buzzing with so much excitement last night that I was too keyed up to do much writing. Seriously, I was like a little kid on Chanukah! Some people have been asking me about my work, but sorry, I’m not allowed to discuss it.

I am really stupid at times! Nane said she tried to add me on Facebook, but that I didn’t accept friends. I had totally forgotten about turning that off – duh! Spambots were after me, so I turned it off. I let her know I turned it back on, but haven’t heard from her yet. I’d say this pretty much wipes out any lingering thoughts of deactivating my account, though. :)

It hit me that my disabling the friend invite thing may’ve prevented Maliheh from accepting my invite. If that’s the case, well, it’s off now.

She oughta get a kick out of how I accidentally capitalized the word boy on one of my Esperanto lessons, as I told Nane. Since she caps all the nouns in her language, and since I’ve had that on my mind so much, I accidentally went noun-capping in the wrong language, LOL. I’ve put the German on hold for now until I study more of the grammar aspect of it.

Why is it that I set up my microphone specifically for German and Esperanto speaking exercises just to have no one review them? Instead, all anyone’s done is tell me my Italian sounds great, LOL.

My logic still doesn’t think so, but my dreams keep suggesting we may be moving to another rental, in which case I told Tom to be prepared as it’s getting to be too many dreams at this point. I had a two-in-one last night. We’d just moved to some old dumpy rental which didn’t exactly seem very remote. I went to tell Tom something from another room and he told me he was on the phone. Before he hung up, I heard him say, “Sure. A thousand dollars will do it.”

I will finish the dream after my run. It’s not cooling down, but the sun is setting and I’d rather not wait for the skunks and other nocturnal goodies that rule these woods to come out and join me, even if these woods are a lot safer than the ones in Oregon.

catches breath Ok, I got my run out of the way. It’s gorgeous out now. I checked the weather back up in Oregon and was reminded of just how much colder they are than New England. Them poor Klammers nearly froze last night, LOL.

And now on with the dream. After he hung up the phone and told me we had a grand on the way, I asked what for, and he said the company he works for wants us to move closer to them and would be willing to pay us to do so.

In reality, Tom laughed at that one, saying that’s not how it usually works, but as I reminded him, it’s not so much the details of the dream that matters as the overall message. And the more repetitious the dreams, the more likely they are to be telling me something. If Jesse were to lose this place, as much as I doubt it, then we’d have no choice but to move. For now, we’re preparing for the possibility and are going to start saving as fast as we can. I would feel much more secure with a month of rent saved, plus enough for a backup vehicle should this one crap out in a way we couldn’t afford to fix. If we had engine failure right now, we’d be positively screwed.

Later…

Maliheh’s back to visiting me through Facebook instead of through a bookmark, and I still have yet to hear from Nane. Starting to think I’m not going to either. Let me guess – she’s not crazy enough, right? And God had those spam botters bug me so I would turn off the friend invite, forget about it, and lose any chance of being buddies with her, right?

Hmm… should I just move on and forget her? Or should I spill the beans and let her know I’m attracted to her if I don’t hear from her for a couple more weeks, knowing I’d have nothing to lose anyway? I admit I do like surprising people at times, so just maybe I will. I’m curious as to what her reaction might be, though I doubt I’ll get any at all. Ok, Nane, you’ll hear from me one last time in a couple of weeks, LOL.

I realize that she could just be a very busy person, but IDK. Marie was pretty busy a lot of the time too, yet she sure found time to keep in touch.

And of course I still wonder if Maliheh will ever accept the friend invite or contact me, though I’d say it’s safe to assume she won’t. She may be a mean bitch, but she’s not crazy.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 2010 Those in Istanbul-Shit, Ghana-rea and India really seem to like me, LOL, based on all the friend requests I’ve been getting from there lately. I might look for a way to turn off the photo comments, though, as I get tired of the same old, same old. I don’t mean to seem rude or unappreciative, but yes, I know the desert is hot, I know I was cute at 4 years old, and I know I usually have insanely long hair!

Nane only corrected my written submission and not my spoken one. In other words, I probably sounded so horrible she didn’t know what to say about it, LOL. I just can’t seem to get some of the tenses straight (rot, rote, roten, ein, eine) and so I sent her a message asking if there was some tip she could give me that would simplify things for me.

I was going to remove any reference to my finding her attractive in case she makes it over to my blog (the link is on my profile page) and doesn’t like the idea of it, but what’s she gonna do – fly over here and shoot me for it?

No one’s reviewed my Esperanto yet, but my Italian-speaking reviews were very good. I’m currently 38% through Esperanto 101 with a score of 99%, and 95% through German 101 but with a score of just 82%. My last lesson was a killer! The speaking part was easier, though. Still, how is it that I’ve made Student of the Week in German every week since enrolling in the course a couple of months ago? Esperanto I can see kicking ass in because it’s so easy. But German is not.

Tom got another scratch ticket and I did my thing and concentrated really hard on “zapping” it with happy, positive winning energy. This one was a crossword ticket. I ended up one letter short of a HUGE winner! How frustrating yet encouraging!

Tom said that maybe he actually has to be working before I’m in a good enough frame of mind to “rig” tickets. Yeah, let’s just hope he will be real soon too, when he calls the office tomorrow.

A few days before he went on the interview I had a dream where I told him that a major change was on the way. I wonder if that was a job premonition I didn’t see at the time. I wrote the dream off as meaningless. I’ve occasionally had dream premonitions without knowing right away that they were actual premonitions.

Mitch finished his book The Changeling! Next, he’s going to go over my last book and read the start of my current book to give me an idea of what he thinks so far.

Other than me and two of my cyberbuds being stalked and annoyed by a crazy woman in Texas, all is fine. I went out running, and soon I shall be transporting myself to the whacky world of Maliheh and Joni. Speaking of Maliheh she didn’t show up in Dreamland last night. Amazing, huh? I kind of missed her, even if it means being chased by her at times, because I know I can always wake up if she catches me. :) Then again, I don’t always mind being captured, depending on whoever’s doing the capturing. :)

She was looking for me on MyOpera this evening and into the evening, but all she got to see were my fake comments, along with a few from Alison and Kim. She’s jumping in from Facebook again too, now that I mentioned I would stick around there for those that have no other means of getting ahold of me if they want to. I also like to post blogs and language lesson scores there.

Paula sent a message that was both sweet and funny despite how unbelievably poorly written it was, LOL. “You’re my best friend, I love you, I miss you, I’m dating a sexy guy, I’m moving to a 1-bedroom, here’s my new number, call me.”

Something like that anyway. She changes numbers faster than I change undies, but as I told her, I’ll call her when I get a chance. Probably next week.

Okay, time to head to class and then Never Never Land!

Later…

My latest exchange with Nane has got me thinking about this influencing thing again, alright. :) I told Nane that the grammar had me so confused that I was ready to beat my head in the wall despite having a knack for languages, and she said don’t do that, LOL! LM isn’t the way to go in her opinion because it doesn’t teach any grammar, and I so totally agree. I’ve always been an anti-full immersion method.

Nane was not only kind enough to give me half a dozen or so links to sites that may help with the grammar part of the German but accepted my email addy after I told her I was a “liberal” person who liked learning about different languages and cultures (at least that was half-true). She replied saying, “Ok, ratgirl. :) it will be a chance to brush up on my English as well. :). :)

This put a grin on my face. Yes, Nane, I’ll be happy to brush your English up for you anytime. Anytime! One does tend to learn faster when they’ve got a crush on their teacher, and so I’m sure my German will start advancing rather quickly.

I sent her picture to Mitch. He agrees she looks fortyish and that she’s a hottie.

Anyway, the links provide a whole lot of helpful info, and so as not to seem pushy, and because I’m getting tired anyway, I’ll wait a day or so after I go through them some more and then message her on LM if she doesn’t beat me to an email first.

Then again, would I really have much influence on her if I was single and she lived nearby? Hmm… I don’t know about that one.

Later…

“No, no, no, don’t wake up!” I started to tell myself this afternoon as I slowly started coming awake. “If you do, you may find that this morning was just a dream. Play it safe. Stay asleep.” But that wasn’t possible, of course, and I quickly realized that no, that morning was no dream. I smiled widely as I replayed it through my mind, stretched and yawned. Then I remembered Nane and her links and I smiled even wider as I got up out of bed.

It was just before 9am this morning. He came in from being outside on the cell phone. Then he told me about it and I walked into the bedroom intending to do something on the computer but instead of doing that I collapsed in a heap of relief and tears on the bed and cried steadily for a good 10 minutes or so knowing that 22 long, miserable, stressful, depressing – and sometimes scary – months have finally come screeching to a halt! It’s over. Just like that, it’s over.

The sense of relief that comes with stepping out of the gloom we were in for so long and into the light to return to the land of the living is both amazing and wonderful. I have been crying tears of joy on and off and zipping up and down the place grinning like a mad idiot. We have survived the storm! I’m so ecstatic that if I were a drinker I’d be getting totally smashed right now! Wish I had tons of scratch tickets now. I know I’d win most of them for sure with the way I’m flying! I have been laughing and crying, laughing and crying, back and forth and back and forth, and right now the screen is blurring up on me. But it’s so nice to cry tears of joy and relief instead of stress and depression!

Now that it’s official I can give some details. He’ll be working days. The pay is much more than we expected at $12/hr.! We thought he’d get $8 - $10, and anything would have been fine, but to get what we’ll be getting which is plenty adequate for us, is awesome! Our rent is low for California and we don’t pay for water or electricity.

The only negs are that it’s a half-hour drive and is just a temp job. I think he’ll impress them enough with his smarts and capabilities to get hired on, though, which should be in 3-6 months at which time we’ll be insured, believe it or not. I need these teeth ripped out and dentures put in sooo badly! The enamel is just so soft and is really going to hell. It’s a hereditary thing that pretty much happens to everyone in the family.

Even though I have total confidence in him, I’ve been teasing him about the stress now being on him. I told him that after 22 months of it being on me, he could have it, LOL! He knew things would be rough while we were basically what amounted to forced welfare bums, but I really thought we weren’t going to make it at times. You know I’m a pessimist.

It’s going to be nice having the place to myself more often, too. Like I said, no matter how well you may get along with someone – and Tom and I never fight – it’s still nice to get some alone time beyond when he’s asleep or just out running errands.

He’ll be getting up at 4am (same time as Jesse if Jesse ever gets back to work himself). Speaking of Jesse, I wonder if he’s been out of town. The dogs went off all night long last night, and Tom never heard the motorcycle today. His truck is up there, though, and someone must be there now because it’s quiet. Anyway, he’ll leave around 5:00, then start work an hour later, then leave at 2:30.

He went to the temp company’s office yesterday to fill out all the paperwork and to have his pay transferred to the card.

From now on I’ve got to start writing down all my dreams, no matter how silly, strange or trivial they may seem. A couple of days ago I dreamt we had just moved to what seemed to be another rental. While the rental seemed bigger and more modern, I hated the snow. There was a dusting of snow all around us, and my dream self was bummed at the thought of having to deal with that regularly, yet it was obvious it was for a good cause and that other things were going well. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Well, we’re 1000’ in elevation while it turns out that the place he’s going to actually be working at is 2500’ in elevation. Weird, really weird.

So does this mean we’ll move? I don’t think so, even though Tom said there were tons of remote places along the way. I don’t want to go back to that shit. The one or two days a year we get a dusting down here at the Sierra Nevada foothills is more than enough for someone who can’t stand snow, and so unless we found a hell of a deal, I don’t see the point in bothering when we’re just going to buy a place in a couple of years. I don’t know where our forever home will be, but we’re going. Oh, yes we are! stops to wipe happy tears Meanwhile, even though the dogs drive me crazy at times, why move to a place that would only be just as noisy or worse? And while bigger, newer and nicer is always great, we don’t want to spend that much extra money between now and buying the house. Except for occasional perfumes which I’m addicted to, I don’t want to spend much money on things we don’t need until we get home. But this is it! Sure looks that way anyway. We have found the yellow brick road. All we have to do now is just follow it. For now, though, it’s nice to know that moving is much more of an option for us if we ever do decide to move.

Laughing, I asked him if he thought he’d slip and fall on the ice up there in the winter like he used to do in Oregon. I never fell once. Not with my balance. Remember, I was a dancer and I also skated a lot as a kid.

I thank God for finally answering my prayers, even though I don’t know why it took Him nearly two years to do it. Guess there really is a time and a place for everything.

I told Andy, Mitch and Eileen the good news in an email, and once we find out even more, I’ll call Mom and Dad. He doesn’t know exactly what his job will entail just yet.

I’m still buzzing with so much excitement that I might not be able to concentrate on my story tonight (sorry boss!) but I have my work cut out for me thanks to Nane. :) So I better get to it soon!

Ah, to be able to wake up without that damn dark cloud hanging over us and without that phone never ringing. Woo-hoo!!! Every day I’d wake up and the first question on my mind would be whether or not we were going to survive. Our unemployment was set to expire soon, and the pressure to beat the clock was getting really nerve-wracking. I’d try to enjoy the moment, then it’d hit me that we were on our last extension and time was fast running out.

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

I’d try to concentrate on my story or other things and try to live for the moment, then, you’re on the last tier.

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

Trying to study languages, then, less than 60 days to go.

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

Cleaning the house, then, will it really be as easy as you’ve heard to die by carbon monoxide poisoning?

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

Time’s up…

WE WIN!!!

Those in Istanbul-Shit, Ghana-rea, and India really seem to like me, LOL, based on all the friend requests I’ve been getting from there lately. I might look for a way to turn off the photo comments, though, as I get tired of the same old, same old. I don’t mean to seem rude or unappreciative, but yes, I know the desert is hot, I know I was cute at 4 years old, and I know I usually have insanely long hair!

Mitch finished his book The Changeling! Next, he’s going to go over my last book and read the start of my current book to give me an idea of what he thinks so far.

Other than me and two of my cyberbuds being stalked and annoyed by a crazy woman in Texas, all is fine. I went out running, and soon I shall be transporting myself to the whacky world of Maliheh and Joni. Speaking of Maliheh she didn’t show up in Dreamland last night. Amazing, huh? I kind of missed her, even if it means being chased by her at times because I know I can always wake up if she catches me. :) Then again, I don’t always mind being captured, depending on whoever’s doing the capturing. :)

I decided to say I have “reason” to suspect an impersonator at this point and that I doubt the comments from Maliheh are really from her so as to hopefully up my chances of us being friends in the future. As it is she may already suspect that I’m the one who left the comments to begin with.

Something like that anyway. She changes numbers faster than I change undies, but as I told her, I’ll call her when I get a chance. Probably next week.

Okay, time to head to class and then Never Never Land!

Later…

I sent her picture to Mitch. He agrees she looks fortyish and that she’s a hottie.

Then again, would I really have much influence on her if I was single and she lived nearby? Hmm… I don’t know about that one.

Later…

He went to the temp company’s office yesterday to fill out all the paperwork and to have his pay transferred to the card.

I thank God for finally answering my prayers, even though I don’t know why it took Him nearly two years to do it. Guess there really is a time and a place for everything.

I told Andy, Mitch and Eileen the good news in an email, and once we find out even more, I’ll call Mom and Dad. He doesn’t know exactly what his job will entail just yet.

I’m still buzzing with so much excitement that I might not be able to concentrate on my story tonight (sorry boss!) but I have my work cut out for me thanks to Nane. :) So I better get to it soon!

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

I’d try to concentrate on my story or other things and try to live for the moment, then, you’re on the last tier.

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

Trying to study languages, then, less than 60 days to go.

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

Cleaning the house, then, will it really be as easy as you’ve heard to die by carbon monoxide poisoning?

Tic-toc, tic-toc…

Time’s up…

WE WIN!!!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 28, 2010 It’s after midnight here and we had to shut windows tonight, which sucks, and probably will tomorrow night, too.

We were talking about the job and Tom said that if he really did get it, then the stress will be off of me and onto him since he’ll have the pressure of trying to do the best job possible, though I’m sure he’ll dazzle and amaze them with his smarts and abilities. He wants to get us insured as soon as possible so I can get my heart checked out. That’s ok, I’ll pass up Dr. Cardio for the dentist. :) Still, I got a kick out of the stress being shifted from me to him part. Ah, that’s a nice breath of fresh air! I could get very used to breathing it, too. :)

Later…

Had a little scare that woke me up an hour into my sleep where I woke up coughing. My throat was burning and I had trouble swallowing. I guess I burped up some stomach acid – yuck!

Got up at 1:30 and had a busy first few hours. I ran a few miles, got a 100% on my next Esperanto lesson, reviewed some English and Spanish submissions, then changed the rat’s cage. See what I mean when I say I do what most people don’t, LOL?

You know you moved to the wrong place when you’ve got all your windows shut during an August afternoon. It did later make it up to 83º in here and I’m letting it get as warm as possible because it’s to drop to 53º tonight. I don’t think it’ll go over 83º, though, as it’s already almost 6:00.

Maliheh’s got me bookmarked now. :) Before she would jump in from FB.

I was just about to demolish my Facebook account when a friend reminded me that they like to see my language lesson scores posted there (yeah, wait till they start dropping as the lessons get harder), and other friends have no other means of getting a hold of me when they want to. I also like the “connection” to Maliheh, even if there isn’t really any connection. If I wanted a private account, then you bet I’d get out of there! But for now, I’ll leave things alone, even if a part of me will probably always consider leaving Facebook, MySpace and Formspring. Part of my artificial intelligence work requires me to have these kinds of accounts, and sometimes I enter sweeps that are connected to them too, which is another reason to keep them open.

With Tom working I’ll be “eligible” to win more. “You know how it works,” I told him. “The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.” We may not be poor or rich, but the concept is the same; the more money you have, the more it seems you get, and vice versa. The only time I won big when we really needed money was when I psyched out that 9 grand in the motel.

Anyway, Tom set up my microphone for me and now I’m back in training. “Where have you been? I’ve missed you,” my German buddy told me on LiveMocha. LOL, I’d say I’ve been missing her a little more than she’s been missing me. And tonight I’m sure I’ll give her a good laugh with the speaking exercise of the next German lesson, though she’ll probably be in bed if she’s like most people blessed with the ability to keep a normal schedule. It’s 8 or 9 hours later in Germany.

My Esperanto teacher is just some guy named Panta. I can’t imagine being called Panta, LOL. I should go see if ole Panta Claus has reviewed my lesson yet.

To answer other questions – yes, learning languages takes regularity to ground things in and to retain them. I study for at least a few minutes almost every day. Sometimes I do whatever language I’m in the mood to do, other times I have set plans. And yes, one will help with the other, but they also confuse and override each other. It seems that when I speak a sentence, my voice wants to throw in the words of whatever language I think of them first. So sometimes my Spanish sentences are sprinkled with Italian, and sometimes it’s the other way around.

Might work on my story tonight, but probably won’t post anything.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 27, 2010 Tom went on a job interview at a temp place in Grass Valley. The job is for manufacturing video equipment. I asked if he thought he got the job, but he said they were very hard to read so he doesn’t know. They said they’d make their decision soon. Instead of discussing much about the job, though, they asked him about himself, including whether or not he has a computer. He told them he has an iMac and before that, he used to build his own computers. Calls and interviews are nice, but he needs to be hired!

Alison and Kim are my top cyber pals along with Mitch and Dorian, even if I don’t hear much from them guys lately (along with my special buddy).

I hope my heart doesn’t go weirding out on me again. Yesterday I had palpitations every few minutes! It was really annoying. And today it’s beating a little fast and hard.

I don’t know why, but I only slept for 5 hours and so I’m tired today. Chapter 6 really burned me out so I’ll probably take a break and not work on my story till next week. Tomorrow we’re picking up my microphone and so I’ll be busy with my German and Esperanto lessons!

Later…

OMG, OMG, OMG!!! Yes, I have what is the best news after 22 long, stressful, frustrating months! Tom got a job!!! dances with delight Yes, he really, really got a job!!! shouts for joy We won’t know the details until next Monday, though, because we missed her call. The cell phone won’t ring inside the trailer cuz of the metal walls and trim. She called right before closing time and when he went outside to call her back when he saw there was a message, she was gone. She simply said, “I have some good news for you. Call me back.” He left a message that he’d call back Monday morning.

Although it’s only a temp place and he may or may not be hired on permanently, the sense of relief and happiness is sooooo nice and it’s sooooo overdue! Watch out, OLS, the influencer is coming back and she’s gonna kick ass! Gonna start raking in those wins again like crazy! You know how it works for psychics of my kind – the better the mood, the more good things happen. And it’s in a much more extreme way than with most people. You can’t win all I used to win without being at least somewhat psychic!

Watch, I said to Tom, now that you’ve got this job, other offers will come crawling out of the woodwork. He said he was just about to say the same thing. It was so fucking funny! It felt so good to really laugh, and then we laughed harder when he said that he’s still gotta put in 3 applications tomorrow for his unemployment form. Depending on the hours and pay we may still get unemployment checks for a while. Don’t know yet.

Someday we’re gonna buy a house and really go home! Oh, yes we are. We’re gonna take back what we lost and this time I ain’t letting nothing tear us down again. Like Maliheh said to Joni in the story, “I’m taking and I ain’t never giving back what I take!”

I don’t know why I didn’t see it in my dreams, but you know me, it’s usually the bad things that I have dream premonitions about.

I will continue to work at home with the online job and the writing. Right now I’m too excited to write anymore or work on my story. twirls with delight I’m just gonna listen to music or watch movies. And hope my heart stops beating funny. Got a bit of chest pain too, but nothing serious.

Oh, shit! Now I’ll be taking on all the chores again now that he’ll be working, LOL! What a nice problem to have, huh? Woo-hoo!!!

In other news, there’s a new twist in the Maliheh case. Sort of. At 8:30 ET I got a Hope Mills hit. One hour later I got hit by Fayetteville. Same providers, different IPs. Hmm… maybe the Hope Mills visitor wasn’t her after all. It definitely wasn’t a case of her modem resetting and assigning a new IP# cuz the Fayetteville one is the same as always. I think that with the story heating up, she’s just more anxious to share it with friends, LOL. I’m getting a lot more hits from people in states she’s lived in before or that she’s got friends in, like Missouri and Kansas. And they don’t seem to mind that I know it, too.

I also have a regular visitor from a university in Ohio. They would come in once every week or two, but now they too, are coming in more often.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26, 2010 I noticed a missing word in a sentence in the last part of the story and so I added it in. I also put a sentence in quotes that shouldn’t have been in quotes and corrected a word in the steamy dream scene. beats head How do I keep missing these things? I mean, I know a lot of work goes into writing a book and that it’s no easy task, but after going through one silent read-through and one electronic read-through, you’d think I’d catch more of these things. Argh!

Maliheh’s getting pretty anxious for the next part of the story, seeing that she’s already been in at least 4 times today, LOL. I never would’ve believed in a million years she’d be back in my life, even though she’s not really, and she’ll never contact me unless I “make” her. I think I’ll go make her say hello on my blog right now. It’s been a few days.

Got my first visit from someone in NJ from the old diary site. Since I’m still on the favorites page there’s no way to know if they specifically looked for me over there or if they linked in through the favorites page.

I want my damn adapter so I can learn more of my beautiful teacher’s ugly language! If it doesn’t arrive at the mail place today, then tomorrow for sure.

Now that I’ve gotten enough other work done, it’s time to tackle chapter 6. I hope to have at least some of it posted by around 9pm.

Later…

There’s no way I can finish chapter 6 today. It’s just too much work and taking much longer than expected. Part of this is because I’m referring to past journals where I mention Maliheh. I’m not sure yet if I’m going to use some of the actual excerpts or just work them into the story in other ways, but when I was reading through from the second half of 1991 to the beginning of 1992, a couple of surprises jumped out at me.

I wrote that I sent Maliheh a “prank” letter in February of 1992. But I never had her address! I also have no recollection whatsoever of writing/sending the letter. In the whacky letter, I would have mixed lines from songs and shit like that so it was really confusing.

I also may’ve falsely accused her of returning the prank calls. Maybe at least some of them had nothing to do with her. According to what I read, a guy called me in November and hit on me. They also mentioned that I’d had a breakdown the other night and was at the Northampton crisis center which was true. I had been. I spoke to the crisis center people by phone a few times each month during the 10 months I lived in S. Deerfield. The bar’s parking lot was within view of the crisis center and so I had assumed that Maliheh and some friends were at the bar that night and saw me. I do stand out and don’t exactly have many look-alikes.

The same guy called back two months later in January. Only problem is that I had a different phone number! They cut my service for a while because I had a huge phone bill, and when they reconnected me it was with a different number.

That leaves two possibilities – that all or at least some of the calls were either connected to Kim and Mark, or to a crisis worker.

Reading back on some of this shit I see that yes, I was one mixed-up, immature person, alright, but I also understand how and why the accumulative effects of the experiences I had in life could cause one to lash out the way I did, right or wrong. I don’t expect others to understand me and I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did. I also realize that I will never truly be forgiven for what I did, simply because most people don’t forgive. They may talk about it and agree that it seems like a nice concept, but I know it’s not real life for the most part. This doesn’t mean that I myself am going to switch back into non-forgiving mode, even if I probably should.

I still don’t hold a grudge either way for the calls (if she was behind them) or for upsetting me with any disagreements we had after all these years. The past is the past. Had she robbed me or beaten me or tried to kill me, that would be different. That I would never and could never forgive. Yet despite being fucked over a million times worse by a few others in life, she has remained just as memorable as them in my mind. Strange, huh? I wonder if she’d be less memorable had she not been someone I was attracted to.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2010 Signing in today at a scorching 107º. This is definitely the hottest day since moving into this place! I feel bad for the dogs. Most people out west wouldn’t take their dogs outdoors no matter how hot or cold it got. We’re going to drop down to the 70s by the weekend at which time I’m sure Jesse will make quite a racket, then it’s going to come up again. I wonder how much longer he’s going to be out of work. I’m sure he’ll be back in time for the weather to be cool enough for the dogs to start barking their asses off which they prefer to do in the cooler weather.

Got caught up on Formspring questions which I’m now sending to Twitter and Facebook, did some online work, cleaned the bathroom, went out for burgers and fries, and will soon begin chapter 6 of my book.

Now my story has two votes, so I see, while the journal has one.

For some reason, the satellite images of this area on Google Maps are the closest and clearest ever. And they’re pretty recent too, as you can see the ugly strips of fake grass by the trailer, our car, our shed, his place, etc. Too bad I wasn’t out running that day, LOL. If I thought the pile of crap he has down here is ugly enough, he has a ton of crap all over the back of the land. Fortunately, we can’t see it here. Neither can he or his neighbors as there are too many trees surrounding it. It’s so cockish, though. It really is.

We checked our old places in Oregon and Arizona, but they don’t have such detailed images on their maps yet. Mitch (Paul) says they’re scary and that you can see his mother’s birdbath in the backyard.

Nane and I swapped a couple of messages on the language site. She had the same problem with her microphone at first, too. My adapter should arrive tomorrow or the next day so she and I can get back to work – ooh! Like I said, having a good-looking teacher helps make learning more fun since German is kind of an ugly language. Gotta learn it, though, as every language I learn helps with other things.

Last night I dreamt that Tom, Maliheh and I were all watching a movie one night in a ground-floor apartment. We seemed to be on the end of a strip of little apartments. It almost looked like the NHA. Tom and Maliheh were sitting in recliners and I was sitting on the floor sort of between them.

“Anyone want some popcorn or hot chocolate?” I asked during a commercial.

Tom looked over at Maliheh and said, “Need anything from our little waitress?”

“Yeah, but I don’t tip,” Maliheh answered.

I laughed and Tom and Maliheh exchanged amused smiles. Then Tom suddenly looked worried and said, “There’s someone outside.”

It was as if he knew there was trouble, and so he bolted from his chair and ran out the front door. I jumped into my flip-flops and followed. Seeing no one in sight, I ran into the apartment next door which the front door was wide open. Immediately I knew something bad must’ve happened. The place was trashed and there was a bloody trail leading to the back door which was also wide open. I didn’t see a soul in sight and began to call out Tom’s name in a panic, even though I knew I shouldn’t be leaving fingerprints, hairs or anything else of mine at a probable crime scene.

“Jodi, get back here! NOW!” I heard Maliheh shout from out front.

“But Tom’s not answering. He’s in the woods in back. Something’s wrong!” I cried as I followed Maliheh back into our place where she shut and locked the doors.

“We have to call the police!” I said.

“I’ve already called them,” she said. “Just get down.”

“Down where?”

“On the floor. Now!”

And then I woke up before we could find Tom.

Too bad I didn’t first contact Maliheh just one day sooner than I did. I would’ve been her birthday present, LOL, as I just learned that her birthday is May 13th. So’s Mike M��s.

I decided to let Alison in on the Maliheh thing in an email. I was curious about her opinion on what she thinks may be going through Maliheh’s mind. Next comes Mitch and Tom, but not just yet as far as Tom’s concerned. He’s as paranoid as I am a worrywart, so I don’t want him getting all worried that I’m doing anything to draw in the bacon.

Later…

LOL, Maliheh’s getting impatient for the next part of the story. I didn’t get around to posting anything new today. She checked more often and later, too. Her last check was at nearly 3am her time. Can’t sleep, huh? LOL

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2010 Nane, my oh-so-attractive German teacher corrected my last German lesson, but never checked out my journal or caught up with me on Facebook. But hey, why should anyone I find attractive want to associate with me unless they’re crazy like Marie?

Yesterday I won two instant wins in a row for Carl’s Jr. breakfast coupons! The influencer is back! Sure hope she is anyway.

Looks like Maliheh’s buddy in Kansas just checked out the steamy sex scene I just posted, though she’s only listed as being in the U.S. this time. As soon as I saw they came from Facebook, I figured there was a connection. But trying to hide behind a proxy (although Tom says they’re not necessarily doing so) didn’t help them, since all I had to do was point at the newest dot on the map to figure out where they were.

MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 2010 I’m sitting here with my hair all gunked up with hair dye, not looking forward to the long half-hour ahead of me. I didn’t want to put my glasses on and get dye on the frames, nor did I want to sit staring blindly into space. So I magnified the hell out of the screen so I could type. People with ADHD don’t do well sitting still with nothing to do.

It’s going to be over 100º tomorrow and the next day – yay!

Jesse (and probably his kid) were annoying for a while on the dirt bike, but otherwise, I enjoyed my 3-mile run today. It was the easiest it’s been in a while, so now I have to speed up or run longer. I think I prefer the speed. I’m running around 5 to 6 MPH.

Since Tom doesn’t exercise much other than when he’s out working on the land or doing inside projects, and since I prefer running to biking, we decided to throw the bike outside on the deck.

Tom received a couple of calls regarding jobs. While they do seem encouraging, I hate to get my hopes up after all this time of nothing happening. For now, we remain a pair of “accomplished losers.” Accomplished losers with so much to offer the world, but unable to find just who to offer it to.

My Facebook friend in Italy, Marilena, said that if we don’t make it to Italy she’ll come see us instead. That’d be nice. She seems like a really nice lady. I guess she’s married with kids and doesn’t know very much English, but has always wanted to visit the U.S. Yeah, come on over. We’re all fat here, our computers come first, and we wouldn’t dare think of helping a stranger in need. :)

My German teacher and I are now friends on the language site, who happens to be extremely good-looking. Makes learning more fun. :) Her name is Nane and I look forward to working with her. She has dark hair and eyes and is older. I’ve always liked older women for some reason. I can’t really think of anyone I was attracted to who was my age or younger.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 22, 2010 Wow, Maliheh must be getting impatient, LOL, because she checks out my journal 3 or 4 times a day, she pretty much knows what schedule I’m on (I’m off to a late start today), and has been checking my journal every hour for updates. Man, I still wish to hell I knew what she was thinking! Is she over the past? Wanting to screw me? Does she like the story? Will she ever contact me or accept the friend invite?

Brandy went off (I think it was Brandy) before sunup, and Whiskey went off at 7am. Was Jesse even home last night? I know he went out at 6pm last night, but did he ever return? At age 54, I doubt he’s seeing anyone, but if he were, why not bring her here to what is a big beautiful house? Let me guess… God would rather he go to her so I can listen to the dogs, right? Bet He’d have her come here for damn sure if they would blast music for hours and hours that we could hear down here.

I got up to find the bedroom at 70º and the living room at 65º. That is totally freezing to me! And it’s not even September yet. The unseasonably cool weather we’ve had for the last couple of days is to end soon and we’re to be back at 100º - yes! But why oh why am I so damn sensitive to cold? I hate it when the place is under 77º except for when I’m sleeping or working out! I love having it between 77º and 82º in here. I hate to have to be bundled up in robes and to wear long sleeves that get caught on things and restrict my movements. It’s making me think of Florida more and more, though I know that if we make it, we’d never have the money to move there, and if we did, I wouldn’t have the guts to make the move after having each long-distance move I’ve made get more and more disastrous. Living on the edge of poverty really restricts your options, but instead of getting all pissed off about it, I’m trying to learn to accept that some things are just meant to be and there’s only so much we can do to change them. If we’re not meant to have money so as to be held back in life, nothing we do is going to change things. Not much anyway.

I was teasing Tom yesterday and we were laughing and joking about some things which helped take my mind off of things. “Love how they say it targets only the grays,” I said as I was reading the box of hair dye he bought for himself. “You’re gonna really be under target,” I added, and he laughed.

Then when I took a break from writing to give my mind a rest from so much thinking, I went into the living room and said, “Writing a book is such hard work. No matter how good you may be at it, the editing takes forever. I feel like I’ve written dozens of pages, but I’ve only written a few.”

I headed back into my little office to write some more when he comes out of the bathroom and says, “I wanted to pull a few brown hairs to later compare with the dyed ones, but I can’t find any to pull.”

I laughed my ass off and assured him there were a few in back I could pull for him. “But then I won’t have any left to compare with,” and we were cracking up again. It was so fucking funny!

We were also remembering the time the refrigerator door fell off in old Gert. It happened right as Tom was crashing and had the sheet over his head. I was startled and squealed out in panic as it fell off, but what was so hilarious (though it wasn’t the least bit hilarious at the time) was seeing how fast he struggled to get that sheet off his head. It must’ve taken him at least 5 seconds to get untangled from the sheet, and of course he was like, ��Calm down, it’s no big deal.” But I wouldn’t hear it. I went right into my why-does-God-hate-us? mode.

He started to haul the refrigerator door outside and I yelled, “What are you doing going out in the dark? Are you out of your mind? Get back in here!” And after I reminded him we were in the middle of the forest – a northwestern pine forest - with no one around for miles but bears and other deadly goodies, he said he doubted any bears would get him. “Maybe just a mountain lion instead, right?” I said.

“But where do I put the thing?” he asked, and I told him to put it on top of the rat’s cage for all I cared, but we were NOT going outside.

Something was really out to get him one day. We went into the city (K-Falls) for pizza, went back out to the land, and he puked. Then he was working on adjusting the satellite dish that was on back of the RV when the wrench slipped from his hand and bonked him just under the eye. So he had to walk around with a black eye, looking like he got punched out for a week.

Oh, what fun and disastrous times we had in the Pacific Northwest until circumstances forced us to abandon old ugly Gert and the land. Oh well. It was too fucking cold anyway. It was in the 30s there last night.

Later…

They made me a translator on livemocha.com. That Spanish submission I had to review the other day wasn’t a mistake after all. Because my score in Spanish is so high, they made me Community English and Spanish teacher and now translator as well. The only thing is that I do enough for free, and all they give you are “mocha points.” Big deal! I care more about cash than showing off achievements.

I really wish people would quit sending me their speaking lessons with TVs blaring in the background. Use your fucking heads, people!

My first attempt to “psych” a bingo scratch ticket into winning was a bust. beats head But I was one number away from a $5 winner on 2 of the 4 games. You get a second chance to win online, too. Tom said that since I was never 100% on these things anyway, we’ll soon try one more time on another ticket.

sighs And I still say that I lost that ability upon moving here, though I don’t know why. At least I can still keep the colds away and have the dream premonitions even if some of them aren’t good.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21, 2010 Marilena, a friend on Facebook who lives in Italy and knows very little English, said to stop by and see her if we ever make it on the trip to Italy I won before it expires in 2014. She’s near one of the trip��s designations, so I’ll let her know when and if we’re ever on the way. The truth is that I doubt I’ll even live to turn 45, but oh well. I gotta die someday anyway, don’t I? I’d just prefer carbon monoxide poisoning over Maliheh’s rigged chicken sandwich.

I’m probably going to put my language lessons on hold till we can get the adapter that’ll allow me to use my mike in Windows. I could jump over to OSX, but that’d be a real pain. We’re going to order one online, if we don’t find a suitable one at Walmart, with the Swag Bucks certificates he won.

If I do put my lessons off for a week or so I’ll probably jump back to my story and try to get chapter 3 finished this weekend. The faster I work on it, the more I’ll have done if life really is going to see to it that my name soon ends up on Legacy. I also don’t want to rush things too much and end up fucking things up. That’s how you end up sending black people to tanning salons, LOL.

Later…

After correcting an error in my last entry (I wrote that Marilena was near one of the Italy trip’s designations when it should’ve been destinations), I happily annoyed Tom with speaking different languages. He didn’t mind too much, though, when I told him in Spanish I was going to make some coffee, then answered a question of his in Portuguese. Then I told him that a rabbit ran by in Italian, and answered another question in German. I only know a few phrases in Esperanto as of yet. I even signed a little and threw some French at him, though I can’t speak nearly as much of that from thin air as I can understand what I read of it.

As Andy pointed out, McDonald’s is always hiring. Ah, but now they won’t even consider you if you don’t have fast-food experience. That’s ok. I already know we’re not going to make it. That’s getting more obvious by the day. I’m just going to try to enjoy what life I have left to live in the meantime… unless this one thing I can’t talk about works out and saves us.

We’re both dyeing our hair tomorrow – his light brown, mine dark blond.

I’m doing laundry now, but as soon as he gets back from the store and settles down to do some programming, I’ll try to focus on some writing.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2010 I miss winning. I really, really miss winning! I won more than usual, and those who know me or have read my bio know why. Unless they don’t believe in psychics. But if they do, then they’ll know why I not only used to win things like crazy but how I killed the cold I had starting to set in yesterday, too.

Every few days I’d win something. Sometimes it was little piddly stuff, sometimes it was big stuff – guitars, trips, designer clothes, cruises, thousands of dollars – you name it, I won it. But then the economy went to hell and it all came to a stop after winning the two giant iMacs and the color laser printer. And so here I sit, former winner and former psychic.

Wait. Former psychic, my ass! I said to myself when my throat was sore and my fever was climbing. I will not be sick. I will NOT! I refuse! I absolutely, totally refuse to be sick. I’m just gonna have to work my magic again just like old times, which really isn’t all that “magical” if you learn what to do.

“Hop to it!” I demanded of myself, and made myself comfy in bed while I put myself in a trance and concentrated on all the right things this particular spell required. Ten minutes later my throat was fine and my fever was gone. That was 12 hours ago.

During the last 12 years or so I have learned a lot of psychic techniques, for lack of better words. I can’t move objects or tell you what you had for dinner last night, or if you’re going to be in a car accident, win the lottery or anything like that, but I can influence things. I’ve made people like me that I’ve had crushes on or at least notice me somewhat. Like Liz the gorgeous cashier in Oregon and Randy the jolly old mailman who wasn’t that old. I’ve made myself win things I shouldn’t have won, I’ve cured illnesses, I’ve “jinx-written” things into happening, I’ve “rigged” scratch tickets, I’ve made ill those I’ve gotten mad at just by being mad at them, even if I didn’t want them to fall ill or get hurt in any way. It became so developed that I couldn’t help the effects my moods and emotions would have, which could be just as much of a curse as it could be a blessing. The better my mood, the more good things would happen. The worse my mood, the more bad things would happen. Only it was much more extreme for me and it went far beyond the usual good attitude causing good things/bad attitude causing bad things. And because the economy was so bad and got us so down, I just couldn’t keep the positive, happy mood going in order to cause the desired domino effect it would normally have. I was sad, I was mad, I was stressed, I was scared… and so bad things kept happening. I still believe there is a God or some other outer force working against us, yes, but I have yet to figure out a way to balance things back out to where they used to be. The longer life sucks, the harder it is to keep your chin up. And if you’re an influencer like me, you’re going to find that you’re a bit of a “nasty influence” on yourself.

The only things I still have which are considered on the psychic side are dream premonitions, and the ability to keep colds away. I’ve only had a few since 1997. It took me a while to figure out how to keep them away from Tom, but eventually I did, and even from Paula. Paula called me right as a cold was starting to set in and I told her I didn’t think I could help her from across the country. But she urged me to try and I did. A few hours later she was as good as new.

I was going to write about the dreams I had involving Maliheh and a few others I used to know, but I’ll do it later. Right now I want to take my next Esperanto lesson before I write some more and polish what skills of mine as a psychic I have that have gotten a wee bit rusty. And I will! Starting with a pair of scratch tickets later on today if Tom can grab some while he’s out. I used to make every 3 out of 4 tickets win. Why not do it again? It just may take a while before I can hit the 50 and 100-dollar winners.

The Influencer is coming back! Oh, yes she is!

Later…

Yesterday I got a 95% on my German lesson and 100% on my Esperanto lesson. Today it was the other way around and I got 100% in German and 95% in Esperanto.

Current overall scores:

25% through Esperanto 101 with a score of 98%.

74% through German 101 with a score of 96%.

Ok, on with the dreams, one of which I woke up relieved from, the other feeling a bit creeped out and curious as to what it could mean if anything.

In the first dream, I was in a motel. What a surprise, huh? I swear I’ve had more hotel/motel dreams than anyone else on the planet! I was alone, sitting just outside the door watching movies on a giant movie screen that was set up in the parking lot. Others were out and about, also sitting outside their rooms watching movies. I caught a glimpse of a man walking by and realized with alarm that he could’ve quickly slipped into my room and ripped me off.

I got up and went into the room, not happy to see the inner door to the hallway open. A couple of young girls I seemed to know that were around age 10 were in the room. One had a jump rope, the other a hula-hoop. I glanced at the dresser and did not see my purse. Panic started to well up inside me till I realized it was on the bed. I breathed a great sigh of relief to see my money was still inside of it, too.

“Ok, girls,” I said, “you have to leave now so I can watch the next movie that’s going on in a few minutes.”

They said ok and wished me a happy birthday for some reason.

I was truly relieved too, when I woke up from this dream. Had the purse or the money been missing it would’ve been a sure sign of trouble ahead!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19, 2010 Now that we’re back online and up to speed I have quite a bit to catch up on, so this entry’s going to be a quickie. It’s so wonderful to be able to zip around the web once again! It’s not like cable, but it’s no longer slower than satellite either. Before I couldn’t play the radio, couldn’t do much work, couldn’t stream videos, and if I was lucky enough not to get kicked offline altogether, pages would take forever to load. I’m just glad they took care of the problem because we couldn’t live here otherwise.

Tom’s not up yet, so I don’t yet know exactly what the problem was, but we both suspected a leaning pine tree towards the foot of the drive that was leaning on the wire. The drive is hundreds of feet long with lots of twists and turns. Near this leaning tree, the driveway is at its steepest. So steep that it’s paved to keep the rain from washing it out. What a workout it was walking up and down that part! But fun, too. I felt every muscle from my calves, hamstrings, and quads, right up on to my ass, working like crazy. I doubt my parents could’ve done it.

Jesse and the dogs came down for a few minutes to check the pipes and tell us that he once tried to get them to cut a tree that was interfering with the wires, but the lazies wouldn’t do anything till it actually snapped the wire. Brilliant, huh? He said if we could get them to take down the leaning tree, he’d be happy to come by and drag it away.

Brandy ran up and greeted me, then shyly moved on while Whiskey happily let me rub his belly.

Jesse then said something about having to get a tire balanced, and he later passed us along the drive as he and the dogs were leaving. They probably would’ve been quiet had they stayed back since it was getting hot by then, but I was glad to see them go. Jesse probably didn’t want the dogs scaring the internet workers anyway if they showed up while he was out.

They didn’t show up until 3:00, and by then I’d been up 16 hours and needed to sleep. I expected to get woken up along the way, but I didn’t. I just woke up to pee around 7:00 and was surprised when Tom said they were still working on it but had gone out to get gas. So since no one came inside that I know of, it probably was the tree that was the problem. I’ll find out for sure in a few hours. Although it would’ve cost us $100, the easiest problem to have had would’ve been a bad modem. Instead, I’ll eventually be spending the money we saved on a new keyboard and microphone adapter. I’m sick of these keys sticking and not being able to do the speech part of my language lessons since I’m running Windows on an iMac. It’s just that I hate OSX with a passion! Worst operating system ever. I refuse to use anything other than Windows.

Why they’re suddenly sending me Spanish lessons to review on the language site is beyond me. Shouldn’t native Spanish speakers review those no matter how much Spanish a non-native may have learned?

They finally got their own shit together on the language site after having tons of tech issues themselves, and so I could finally enroll in the Esperanto course I’ve been wanting to check out. The sound files aren’t as good as those of the major languages, but it’s not nearly as horrid as the Catalan was. I also like this language a lot so far! It seems even easier than Spanish because there’s not much in the way of gender words which makes for grammar that can be harder than in English. I like how they put “mal” in front of words to make them have the opposite meaning: alta – tall, malalta – short. So Esperanto will be language #7 for me – woo-hoo! I’m really excited about it. I don’t know why I’m such a language fanatic, but at least I have something fun to look forward to despite being stuck in the usual rut.

Things have been running smoothly for the last couple of weeks, and while I’m enjoying it immensely, it also worries me because I know the shit’s going to hit the fan any minute now and God will once again have His fun tormenting me with some kind of stressful situation. It’s bad enough that I don’t know if we’re going to survive the year, but would rather not have to deal with any shit until the end comes, if it’s coming. Yet we just can’t seem to get ahead in life, and when we do, we get kicked back. Sometimes I’m not sure I want to own a place again. Sure it would be nice for various reasons, but wouldn’t God find a way to take that place, too?

Paula sent an email confirming that she got the package and loves it, so that’s nice. She said she was glad to have a friend in me and hopes to visit someday. I’d like that cuz I sure as hell ain’t going back to New England. I haven’t been back since I first left it 18 years ago, so why go back now?

Ok, so maybe this entry wasn’t a quickie after all. But now I’ll definitely be off to catch up on things, which means the next part of my story may be delayed a bit.

Sharyn checked out my blog today. At least I think it was her. Someone from New York came in from Facebook, and while anything’s possible, the odds of it being someone else seems unlikely since my FB page isn’t as exposed and in people’s faces as my tweets are, for ex. Besides, I’ve been posting more things to FB lately, and that shows up on your friends’ activity feeds. The language scores and blog posts would be more attention-grabbing than just an occasional comment on someone else’s posts which was all I’d mainly post for a while.

Later…

I wasn’t going to do another entry today, then said why not? We just got back from the grocery store, and I even splurged a little on some Chinese take-out. Why not? We’re going to be forever poor anyway. It is damn good, too. Especially their fried chicken. Something about the batter that’s just totally awesome.

It’s hot and dry out there just the way I like it.

Earlier I felt like I was coming down with a cold and found I had a temp of 99.1, but I think whatever it is is going away. It better! I almost never get sick. Besides, I haven’t been around any sick people.

The problem didn’t turn out to be the tree, but a bad section of wire instead. First they called him to say they’d have to send a crew out tomorrow, but then at 6:00, a guy called saying he was at the foot of the drive. He was here for nearly two hours replacing the line. I was really starting to think we’d never get them to come out here! But now our connection is faster than in all the time we’ve lived here and we don’t have to move. Before, if one of us wanted to watch a movie, it’d slow the other one down. But now we can both watch movies on our computers! I don’t watch movies very often, but it’s nice to know I can do that now if I wanted to.

I’ve been making up for lost time at the job site. We decided not to list anything on eBay today so we can get caught up on work and things we haven’t been able to do online in a while.

I might not pick up with my current story till next week, but Alison tweeted that she’s on chapter 8 of my last book and loving it so far. Especially the journal parts.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2010 Thought I’d squeeze in an entry before they come to turn us off since it’s only after 3am, and they sure as hell ain’t coming this early.

Yesterday I noticed my tweets from Twitter weren’t present on the sidebar and found it was turned off when I went to check my settings. So this site isn’t perfect after all. I turned them back on and hopefully they’ll stay on.

Decided to post my German scores on Twitter and Facebook (and maybe impress Maliheh, LOL), then jump back to the French course before the Chinese course.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2010 My message to Jennifer is still marked as unread, so who knows if she even has the same email address or bothers to go on MySpace these days? Her account is private and I can’t see her last login date. I used to be able to see it, and she did go months without checking in, so who knows?

Maliheh was late checking out my blog yesterday and didn’t get in till around noon my time. Her last check was 9pm. Again – why, why, why??? What’s on her mind? What are her intentions? To hope to “get” me? To be friends? Or is it just plain old curiosity on her part, and if so, is she as curious about me as she is about what I say about her?

I thought Tammy would check into my blog yesterday to see if I mentioned her birthday, but she didn’t. Someone in Lenox, MA, checked in from Topix Forums where I left the link in the comments section of the news article on VH being shut down. Since most of the students were from out of town or state, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was a staffer.

It’s been too quiet in the mornings for Jesse to be working lately. The dogs came to see me when I was hanging out sheets the other morning. It was so cute. Whiskey definitely likes me better than Brandy does.

Andy said that for a few days, my blog was “blurry” as he would scroll down through the entries, but all is fine now. How did we go from “much of the day” as Will had said to “a few days?” Were different blogs screwed up worse than others? I just hope this doesn’t become a regular thing, but so far I’d say they’re more stable than the other site. It was nearly every day that I was having problems over there. The site was down, messages weren’t getting to me, I couldn’t send messages, I couldn’t update my profile, pages took forever to load…

Andy also said he likes how I keep changing the background and that I am too artistic to leave it the same and that change is good.

When is there ever going to be any change in our lives?????!!!!!! I still worry and wonder – will we survive the rest of the year? Will I live to see my 45th birthday in December? Is our dream home really just a dream?

I wish everyone had 20” monitors like I do. My Formspring background looks awesome! A pair of “moving” eyes that fits in perfectly at the sides of the questions. Yet when I checked it out on my laptop, the left eye was cut off on the right side and the right eye was cut off on the left side.

Our own connection issues are still going on, but hopefully we’ll only have one more day of having to deal with it since they’ll be out Wednesday to fix things. So if I’m not around on Wednesday, that’s why. It stopped cutting in and out like crazy for two days but remained very slow. But then Tom said it was in and out all day yesterday.

Guess I’ll spend the remainder of the night working on my story and languages. I probably won’t post any more story excerpts this week.

Later…

Andy’s getting on my nerves again insisting we’re not doing all we can to help ourselves get jobs. And once again, California simply isn’t Massachusetts. He’s gotten jobs online before, so if we’re meant to survive this economy in the first place, he’ll do it again.

I do agree that it’s a youth’s market out there like he says, and that Tom should consider dying his hair. It’s like you have to be perfect. You can’t be old, you can’t be fat, you can’t be ugly, you can’t be short, you can’t be female – you can’t be shit! And non-whites get first dibs on everything these days. They’ll hire a black person who’s half as qualified as a white person, and when it comes to two potential white people – the youngest, skinniest one always wins. This world is so fucked up and unfair.

I love the guy and I know he means well, but why spend the gas money to drive around in a car with a broken AC to collect bottles like he suggests for half of what we can make online in the cool comfort of home? I’m glad he enjoys doing this himself, though.

I figured out how to recall friend requests on Facebook. I took hold of the mouse and said to myself, “Ok, girl. If you wanted to be friends you’d have accepted my invite by now. Right?” Then I started to cancel it and my hand suddenly froze on the mouse. Why was it so hard for me to click that X and cancel it out? Just one simple little click of the mouse was all it would’ve taken. “Come on, you can do it,” I tried coaxing myself. But I couldn’t. For some reason, I just couldn’t break the connection. I’d rather she be the one to do it if she wants to, though I still haven’t figured out why. I’m never going to see this person again, and for one who isn’t much of a people person to begin with, she sure has become like this strange sort of magnet with a hold on me.

Seriously, I hate people in general. I really do. It takes a lot to impress me and little to lose me. And I used to be – or so I thought – the least forgiving person on the planet. Never forgive, never forget, never move on. I basically strived to live by these rules. But it’s like Maliheh’s changed things somehow. Andy’s back in my life, not that he did anything wrong which I needed to forgive him for. And now my sister’s a Facebook friend. I still can’t believe it every time I see her picture on my friend list, and I’m still not sure that’s a good thing just yet, but even so, it’s like I’ve reached this new turning point in my life upon contacting Maliheh and I don’t know what it means just yet.

I still don’t even know what’s on Maliheh’s mind for sure. I believe it’s her I’ve been communicating with, but I still don’t know her true intentions if she has any at all. Maybe she feels the same – drawn to me, curious about me, and wondering what the hell she’s doing by being friendly enough to communicate with me and to have suggested the story since Maliheh always struck me as also being very unforgiving. Or maybe she still hates my guts and hopes I get hit by a car, I just don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t bring myself to let go and break the so-called “connection.” I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Could it be that despite never seeing each other again I’m still attracted to her? Hmm… I guess it’s possible. If she looks this hot in her 50s, I can totally see why I was drooling all over her in her 30s. She’s that good-looking! Maybe I didn’t want to admit it at first, but she really is a true beauty. She has a beautiful face, my dream hair, and a great body. Who wouldn’t be attracted to her? Yet it doesn’t seem like enough for me to not be able to cancel the damn friend request, but oh well. She’ll wear off in time.

MONDAY, AUGUST 16, 2010 So Tammy’s 53 today. Why is everyone 53 all of a sudden? Tom’s 53, Tammy’s 53, and so is the star of my story.

I started getting friended by spammers like crazy on Facebook, so I temporarily switched from allowing anyone to friend me to friends of friends only. Hopefully, this will stop it. Do I think it’s connected to Maliheh or the black bitch? Nah, probably not. This was a promotional sort of thing that’s quite common.

Andy also sent pictures of some of the buildings on Locust St. in Springfield, MA, right by where I used to live, that have been condemned as inhabitable for humans. Those buildings are definitely old.

Wish I had more to say, but I don’t.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, 2010 Did something I never thought I’d do and sent my brother’s daughter a message on MySpace. She would be in her late 20s today. I would’ve sent one directly to him or his wife, but they don’t appear to have accounts on MySpace or Facebook. I simply said that despite our past differences, I do think of them, wish them well, and sometimes miss laughing at Larry when he would be freezing his ass off during the winter. He used to love it when I’d give him a dose of that psychotic laughter of mine!

I don’t expect a reply and personally, I don’t know that I want one. Like I said about Tammy, we don’t need to have a relationship, but I’m all for moving on and dropping the enemy status. I was very angry with him for years for coming between family members and for basically being a hypocrite by saying he didn’t want to get involved, yet sticking his nose in people’s business anyway and condemning others for doing the same thing. I felt like I was back in high school playing the so-called he said/she said game. But I also realize that not only can the death of your own son make you do things you might not ordinarily do, and while it may be ok for each of us to disagree on things, it’s pointless to go on harboring such hate and anger. They don’t have to like me, accept me, or want me to be part of their lives. I just wanted to send a friendly hello through cyberspace is all.

And now I want to thank Maliheh for inspiring me to write the book I’m writing. I wasn’t going to work on it earlier, but then I thought of her and that motivated me to get off my ass and get typing away. Normally I write for me and for me only. But this time around I’m writing for her as well, and so that got me going with a good chunk of chapter 3.

Sure enough, Paula didn’t have the decency to take two minutes of her time to send an email about the package she should’ve received yesterday. Yet she has no problem sending messages when she wants something. Then again it’s always possible that she didn’t make it to her PO Box yesterday, so we’ll see.

For the longest time, I’ve been going on and on about how rough it is to be poor. But then I got to thinking about it and realized that since I’ve gotten my shopping sprees out of my system (and I sure did shop like crazy during the years we had money), I really have become a rather low-maintenance woman. Sure, there are a few things I could use around here. A new office chair would be nice. But I realize that as long as we can pay for our necessities, life on the poor side ain’t so bad. I know we’ll always be poor and that I will go through the bulk of my life uninsured and worrying about the car breaking down, for example, since we don’t make enough money to save anything, but other than that, I don’t need to have a lot of money. If anything, money would only get me fat, LOL, because I’d be tempted to splurge on all kinds of stuff, not just in grocery stores, but in restaurants as well. So while PCH is still welcome to float a few million our way, not having money isn’t the end of the world.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 14, 2010 Went out for my run just after 7pm. It was still kind of hot for running (in the 80s), but I managed to run a few miles. I should add the part of the driveway - until you reach the fork - into my running path. It’s an extra challenge to get up the driveway, then it’s kind of fun coming back down since gravity more or less pulls you down. You just have to be careful not to slip on the gravel that’s how steep that part is. You can see the trailer’s roof from there. Anyway, I’m down a couple of pounds, and later I’ll do my round of ab crunches.

Someone said my sparkly background wasn’t that noticeable, though it could be her browser. It should be very noticeable, but since it may not be for some people, I put a regular picture back on and will include a picture with each entry, some of which are animated.

I wonder if Tammy could view my blog the day MyOpera was down?

On Friday Tom got a call asking him if he’d be ok with having things “ready” in case they want to do a background check on him for a job. He said sure, and then last night I had a dream he was on his way to work. The only thing that shoots my hope of it being a dream premonition is that he was leaving in an elevator of a big hotel. And the hotel wasn’t quite right. In the so-called restaurant which looked like a dingy old diner, I was fixing myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast after he left, then went over to check out the day’s “jobs” written on a huge dry-erase board. They had jobs for artistic people, jobs to help the cops, mechanical-type jobs, etc. I said something like, “Well, I hate pigs and I’m not the mechanical type, but I am kind of artsy and will be on days for a while. So I guess I’ll go do some drawings.”

Maliheh is still a very faithful follower, checking me out multiple times a day. She usually makes her first check just after 7am my time. I’m definitely one of the first things she does when she gets up, LOL! She came in earlier than usual, though, on Friday at just after 5am my time.

I still wonder about her probably a little more than I should. What is it about that mean, cold bitch that draws me so? And what’s going through her mind? Is she plotting against me? Hoping for something in particular? Does she still see me as a cockroach that oughta be squashed? Or is she, through reading and learning about me, slowly opening up her mind and her heart to me, little by little, inch by inch? Right now my guess is still that I’ll never hear from her, she hates me with a passion and is only interested in my journal for what I might have to say about her. She might even hope for a chance to sue me for it, too. But time will tell.

I considered sending Tammy a birthday message for her birthday on the 16th, then decided against it. Tammy is simply no one I care to be buddies with. I’m ok with no longer being enemies, but looking from the outside in, as if we weren’t sisters, I just don’t like Tammy B. Period. And I don’t want to be buds with the brood either.

Once burned, I’m the victim. Twice burned, I’m the fool. And I don’t want to give her a chance to sic the pigs on me the next time she gets pissed at me, even if she doesn’t have our physical address and there’s no one to call these days that would give it to her. I also don’t know that I want to be buds with anyone who doesn’t “get” me. It isn’t just that we’re different, but she’d just laugh at you if you tried to tell her one is born gay or bi just like one is born straight. And I can just imagine her reaction if I tried to explain my sleep disorder to her. Like I said before, I probably wouldn’t get it myself if I didn’t have it.

Our connection is holding on by a bare thread, so it’s hit or miss as to whether or not I will successfully be able to copy this entry in from Word. Wednesday’s a long way away!

Hope to get back on with my story tonight and my language studies, if I can get myself to stop goofing off and downloading tons of these really cool blog graphics, LOL.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 13, 2010 Ever since my blog was featured, I’ve been getting nearly half a dozen friend requests a day. I don’t mind clicking the accept button and being “friends” with anyone who doesn’t annoy or offend me, but I still have to wonder why some people would want to be friends with someone they both never met and never talked to before. Do they just want to “collect” friends or something?

I get a lot of requests in the middle of the night from Asia being that it’s daytime over there when it’s nighttime here. So in just the few months I’ve been here I have around 70 friends, but only 41 on Facebook, which took forever to accumulate in the years I’ve been a member there. I think I’m still only in the 30s on MySpace. I’ve never friended anyone there, but Gloria. I let them come to me, and most seem to be local business owners and bands.

I still wish Marie the best, but the more I read back on our cyber lives together, for lack of better words, the more I’m glad she’s moved on. She wasn’t just an obsessive, overwhelming pest, but so immature and childish as well. I won’t miss the stress she put me through. I hate to say anything bad against those who are bipolar. It’s not their fault any more than it’s my fault for having ADHD or my mother’s fault for having breast cancer, but they are just so hard to deal with! They’ll take you on the rollercoaster ride from hell and really leave you winded in the end! It’s not her fault she was abused either. But I will always love Marie and hope for the best for her. I know what it’s like to have abuse make you do things you might not ordinarily do. Not to shift blame or excuse myself from the way I hounded Maliheh on the phone, but I have to wonder – would I have done so to such a degree if my childhood had been different?

I know I’ve said it before, but I’m sorry about driving Maliheh crazy years ago, and I do hope she’ll find it in her heart to one day forgive me if she hasn’t already. And for falsely accusing her of harassing me online.

Boy, California really has been the “state of reunion” for me when I think of all the people I’m back in touch with that I never thought I would be – my parents, my sister, Andy, Maliheh, Rosa, Eileen… anyone else I’m forgetting? Yeah, probably. But that’s ok.

Anyway, my period’s due Monday so I’m dragging real bad here. Not even two cups of caffeinated coffee have perked me up.

Later…

“First we lose 10 acres and a brand new 2100-square-foot house in the desert, and now we lose 2.5 acres and a chance to build our own home in the woods!” I sobbed miserably as I pelted the flimsy metal shed with the biggest rocks I could toss.

“Sweetie,” said Tom, “why are you destroying things?”

I turned to him incredulously. “Do you really want someone to get what was supposed to be ours?! What we paid for?!”

“Jodi, it’s 2004. I promise you we’ll do it right next time and within a decade. There’s a home for us. There really is. Three times the charm.”

“Oh, fuck that fucking bullshit, Tom!”

More rocks went flying. Sheets of metal came tumbling down. The sound was deafening.

“Don’t hit the truck. It’s all we’ve got left.”

“I’m nowhere near the truck, and I don’t need any reminders that despite all our hard work and the money we lost that all we have left is a piece of shit of a truck, a few personal possessions, and a dumpy old motel room to return to. In the city. In the fucking city we’ll never escape!

A rush of movement somewhere in the stand of ponderosa pines behind us made us turn and glance in that direction.

“Not bears, I hope,” said Tom. “Wouldn’t want to be their dinner.”

“Ooh, lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Actually, they’d be doing me a favor by turning me into their dinner. What better purpose do I have in this fucked up world anyway, but to lose one thing after another and suffer one heartache after another? Hey, Jason, you out there?!” I turned to shout into the woods at the side of the clearing we stood in. “Michael Myers?! Come and get me! I have nothing to live for. I’m just a fucking loser destined to fuck up and lose all her life.”

“Sweetie, come on.”

“Where? Back to a cold, dingy motel room? Sorry, sir, but I’m in no hurry.”

I swooped down for more rocks that lay between the scattered patches of snow and started battering old “Gertrude,” the name I picked out for our old, ugly RV. I thought that an ugly RV deserved an ugly name.

“The rats will take it over before anyone comes up here, finds it, and considers taking it, not that I expect they would since they didn’t take the nicer one someone else abandoned on the parcel adjacent to us.”

I pushed over our clothesline and stomped on it.

“Come on, part of this was our fault for buying the land sight unseen. If we’d checked it out first, then maybe we’d have realized we’d be on a volcanic mountain that’s way too rocky to build on. You saw me try to start digging for the septic. There’s just no way. Not even with an ice pick and all the other tools I used.”

I collapsed onto an old tree stump of a dead tree the forest rangers had long since sawed away in hopes of preventing forest fires and burst into tears. “Why?” I cried. “Why does God hate us so much? What have we done?”

My husband was at a loss for words that chilly autumn day, back in Oregon. And so was I other than to continually ask why.

Just another PMS-induced memory, I guess, of some of the sad times in our lives. wipes tears from cheeks

Well, I can’t swear to it, but I see a little light spot in the satellite image I’m checking out. I think that’s our little RV, ugly, old Gert, still sitting up there and probably home to the local rats. This was where we were going to live until we built our two-story dome house. It was supposed to be about 1600 square feet. I would have hated the cold and snow at 5300’ in elevation, but it was still another dream lost, and oh - I’m just crying too hard to go on right now.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12, 2010 Sure enough, Facebook Eagle doesn’t let you view private accounts in secret. I figured it was too good to be true. Especially for being free and legal. You still have to notify the person. But why bother when you can just send them a friend request?

Tammy finally checked out my journal, along with Maliheh, and my parents have been married 59 years. I tried to call them, but thanks to our shitty connection, Dad said I was breaking up, and so I said I’d get back to them. Dad seemed really worried about us being affected by fires, but California’s pretty much always on fire, LOL. Mother Nature and arsonists do a fine job of seeing to that. There have been no fires around here, but as I told him, “Relax, Dad. Half the state’s on fire just about every single day.”

Speaking of connections, Tom finally got them to realize there’s a problem and they’ll be out next Wednesday. It’s a long time to lose even more money and not be able to list things on eBay, but you know something up there loves to interfere with us making money every chance it gets.

I’m glad my stats chart didn’t scare Maliheh off, but I realize there’s always a chance she didn’t get the email about it. It’s unlikely, but it is possible. That much I have no way of verifying. Even so, I thought I would complain in my blog about the stats “disappearing.”

I just hope she and Tammy could read the damn thing. They were down last night for a couple of hours and Andy said my blog is fun to read, but it was hard to read with the floral background.

But the background should be solid white! I checked today and all seems to be working the way it should be. I hope they don’t have regular problems. Part of why I switched to them was for the reliability.

I just wonder what Maliheh’s game is. She either wants me to think it’s her communicating with me, or she’s got something else in mind, and the only thing I can think of is the revenge theory where she’s hoping for an excuse for vengeance. But why has she blocked me on MySpace but not Facebook?

As I’ve said before, I’m proofreading old journals. And right now I’m in Arizona in 1993, living next to Andy in my little 400-square-foot studio apartment with a bitch next store who couldn’t shut up. Oh, the pranks we used to pull together, and I don’t mean just on the phone! When our birthdays would come around, we’d go to all the Denny’s we could and collect free desserts. Once, I was one waitress’s total nightmare when I shoved an open, upside-down bottle of ketchup into some uneaten food, along with our cigarette butts, since we both smoked back then. We’d loosen salt shakers and do all kinds of shit.

One night Andy and I went to a restaurant called Mother Tucker’s, which we, of course, called Mother Fuckers. Supposedly, he had a coupon and we were going to split a steak and shrimp dinner. We ended up having to wait forever for cold, uncooked food, and we walked out with me hitting on the gorgeous hostess. I don’t remember hitting on the hostess, though, or even what she looked like.

The closest I come these days to being a “prankster” is that I sometimes play with scammers and spammers that show up in my inbox. I’ll reply with the link to my journal, some journal/story excerpts, and things like that. In fact, I just got another “Dear Friend” message with someone wanting me to cash a bogus check for them, and my reply was, “If any other student contacted me right now and said they were attracted to me or told me anything else I promised not to write about, they might as well be telling me they liked the color of my shirt for all I would care.”

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2010 I’m dieting, I’m exercising, yet the scale is still going up – WTF? I’m up to 133 pounds. I guess my days of keeping the weight off are coming to an end. I figured they wouldn’t last forever since I’m not naturally thin. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Paula’s package will be going out tomorrow, but as I told her, don’t expect any more. Songs are getting hard to find for free so I urged her to have Justin get her signed up with iTunes or something like that.

Later…

I decided I should follow Tom’s diet more closely, which isn’t really a diet, as he says, but the way he’s going to eat for the rest of his life. He not only cut his calories but also allows himself to eat the same amount of calories each time he eats so as not to stretch his belly out and worsen the hunger. He said if I can get through the first couple of months, I’ll be used to it, though he thinks I look ok as I am.

He’s now lost 40 pounds and I want to lose 31 pounds which would put me to 100, though I would settle for 110-115, even if 100 is most preferred.

Of all the times Tom has to be asleep, it just has to be when I go and discover this thing you download that supposedly lets you view private Facebook profiles. And it’s free and legal, too. I could probably download it myself and figure it out, but I’d rather wait for him. It just figures I have to be on nights now! Especially with my parents’ 60-something anniversary being today and my wanting to call them. I think I’ll still get up early enough to call them, though.

Anyway, with my shit luck, Facebook Eagle, as they call it, won’t work or will be a bust, but I’m looking forward to finding out!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2010 God was kind enough to spare my sleep today and not have the propane people show up until after I got up. Even if the rumbling of the truck didn’t wake me up, the smell sure would have. It was disgusting! Especially with the cooler on, but it pumped it back out in just a few minutes.

I woke up at 1pm and tried to get up then, but couldn’t. So I didn’t get up till 2:30. When I checked my email there was a message from Eileen saying she was on her way to Province Town and would be receiving two new grandkids next March. Yay for her!

Marie is so all or nothing that I haven’t heard from her. At least I think that’s why I haven’t heard from her. I hope that’s it and that she’s moved on to someone new and that the reason for the lack of contact isn’t because anything is wrong. Marie will always be special to me and I will never regret the few months we had together in cyberspace, even if she drove me batty at times. But that’s the thing with Marie; she’s either obsessed with you and wants your undivided attention every minute you’re awake, or she would rather not bother at all. The constant emails and following me around from site to site were really getting to be a bit much for me. Twenty years ago it would’ve been kind of fun. I was more eager and persistent (even Maliheh said that, LOL) back then because I had nothing better to do. Today I have a husband and a full plate of responsibilities and hobbies, unlike before. But she couldn’t seem to understand and accept that I couldn’t spend my whole day, every single day, swapping email messages with her or talking on the phone. So wherever she is, I hope that she has found someone who can give her what she wants and needs and that she is happy.

Andy’s still unlucky in love as ever, the poor guy. He dumped this guy for drugs and drinking that recently called him insisting he’s cleaned up his act, yet Andy could tell right away he was high.

Other than internet problems more persistent than I ever was way back when, I’ve got to head off to work and then I will get on with my story. Might post the next chunk later or tomorrow. We’ll see. Before I go out for today’s run I’ll be running through my language exercises. I studied Italian, then found it a bit of a challenge to make the sudden switch back to Spanish, then did drills in German immediately following that. It’s fun, but a tremendous amount of work!

MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2010 Pounded away like crazy at the keyboard last night and almost finished chapter 2. Almost, but not quite.

Anyway, Tom and I are doing our usual things and waiting, waiting and waiting for what never seems to happen. We live, but life passes us by. Make that, we exist. We don’t live, we just exist. Will we ever get to return to the land of the living? Hmm… each month I get more doubtful.

“Just go out to the shed, grab the bag of charcoal, seal yourself up in the bedroom, light the charcoal in as many pots as you need to fit them in, and you’ll be gone to sleep forever,” I tell myself. “No more worries, no more nothing. And no one will care.”

But then again, Tom would care, Andy already lost a friend to suicide, Maliheh wouldn’t get her story, and so I guess if I’m going to go bye-bye I should wait till I have more of an excuse than being stuck in a rut and an annoying toothache that won’t quit, shouldn’t I? Besides, it’s still summer! Ah, but it’s already beginning to cool down. Instead of being in the 90s, we’re now in the 80s. As I was falling asleep at the crack of dawn I was actually a bit chilly and fell asleep giving myself one of those useless well-if-you’d-just-stayed-in-the-desert-or-gotten-your-ass-over-to-Florida-you-wouldn’t-be-chilly-in-August-of-all-months lectures.

So I guess that’s it for now from the fucked up and the fucked over in life, and now it’s off to Storyland. At least things actually happen over there.

Later…

Wow, Maliheh’s managed to stay out of my journal for almost 6 hours now. It’s coming up on her bedtime, so she may check in one last time within the next half hour. She was in 12 hours ago, too.

Marie is so all or nothing that it’s almost asinine. She is who she is, but if you’re not willing to give her your undivided attention practically every second that you’re awake, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. That appears to be the case with her anyway since she unfriended me on Facebook and MySpace and has ignored my last two email messages. I still sent her my story, which is now 100% complete, as I said I would. In the end, I’d guess that only Tom, Mitch and Alison will read it, though I did send a copy to Maliheh, too. I think, though, that the only story Maliheh’s interested in is the one with her in it, LOL. She should be. It’s going to be good.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8, 2010 Maliheh still checks my journal every few hours, but Tammy hasn’t. I’m surprised. Maybe she’s not interested, or maybe she’s afraid of what she may read.

When I got up today around noon, I quickly checked my email and blog like I usually do before showering, eating and working out. I don’t usually do much computer-wise till I’ve been up 2-3 hours.

So when I checked my blog you can bet I was surprised to find a zillion friend requests, messages and photo comments! It actually started late last night before I crashed. I wondered what in the world was going on, and I guess the start of my story is a real hit so far, according to some people, LOL, that my blog was featured in the community section. I guess this was sometime yesterday, and that’s the reason for the spike in friends, visitors, comments and messages, though there doesn’t seem to be much more than usual in the way of blog comments.

One girl who read my blog sent a message with her email addy saying she’d like to take me up on my offer to email stories. Only I accidentally deleted the message with her email addy, so I’ll have to wait till she gets back to me. Meanwhile, if I haven’t yet responded to some of you, I will soon. I promise!

I had to laugh at all the comments on my photos, both older and current, telling me how sweet, hot, cute and sexy I am. LOL, thanks but I do not think so! What was even funnier was when someone asked who “Joy” was, saying she was so sweet. Joy is actually a 24” porcelain doll, LOL!

Last night our internet connection was so bad I couldn’t stay connected for longer than a few minutes at a time, but Tom said it’s been stable all day. Watch, now that I’m up and about it’ll crap out on me again. It’s me it wants to pick on.

Let’s see… what else? I guess that’s it for now. I will be working on stories and may or may not be back later.

Later…

I thought Jesse would be home on a Sunday night, but based on all the barking I hear going on up there right now, he’s not. Why have a place to live if you’re never going to live in it? Seriously, this guy is never home! But I know God only allowed us to break the home-all-the-time neighbor trip we were on for 14 years simply because this is the only case we’ve had to deal with where having the neighbor not be home means more noise for us. He’s not always quiet when he’s home, since he is out and about engine-gunning often enough, but he’s dead quiet compared to our past neighbors. If he were as noisy as our past neighbors, believe me, he’d be home all the time. He’s been out of work again, but I know he’ll be back full-time just as soon as it cools down enough to bring out the worst in the barking since the colder it is, the more they bark.

The sad thing is knowing that we couldn’t just move away from it even if we could afford to move. We’d only get the same shit elsewhere. If someone shot these dogs, he’d go out and get new dogs the next day that would also be left outdoors to create the same chaos.

When oh when am I ever going to get used to it? Maybe I should turn the sound machines off once we’re back to the all-day barking fits and then try to adapt and learn to work and carry on as usual despite the racket. I am, after all, able to tune out the frogs when they get going like crazy during the rainy season. It’s unlikely I’ll ever leave the West where most dogs aren’t allowed indoors, so I’ve got to get used to it. I’ve just got to.

So is Maliheh going to return to my blog today? She must be tied up because she hasn’t been to it since just after 1pm. She seems to sleep from 2am - 10am her time, so I guess I’ve got a couple of hours left to wait and see.

Is she ever going to say anything to me? Accept my friend invite? I wonder this, though I highly doubt it. And I really wonder what she thinks of my journal and her little story. Even my pictures. I wonder about her and her life too, though I’m still not sure why. Just what is my obsession with this girl? She was nothing but a mean, cold-hearted bitch to me in the end.

Eileen and Alison have checked out my blog today, and Mitch and I swapped some messages, too.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7, 2010 As suspected, Maliheh checked out my blog at 11pm my time. When more than a few hours passed without her checking in, I figured she’d gone out somewhere like she appeared to last Friday night as well. Last Friday night she also didn’t check in until 11pm.

Hmm…out clubbing? With a lady?

Andy had a 3-minute date last night, unfortunately. He went to meet this guy he’d started falling in love with that he had dumped for drugs, who called insisting he’d cleaned up his act. Yet Andy found him drunk out of his mind.

Not sure why my vanilla lip gloss tastes like licorice, but I like it.

It totally figures that back when I have a piece of shit for a printer, I have tons of people to send letters to. But now that I won this $700 color laser printer, there’s no one to write to since everyone’s now doing email or prefers to be called. Other than occasional letters to Rosa, the printer rarely gets used.

The connection is much more stable, but it’s satellite slow for a DSL line. But that’s the best we can get living out in the country. I’m just glad it will be so cheap for the next year.

The propane people are coming next week. We’re going to fill up the tank which should cost around $200.

I began the second chapter of the Maliheh/Joni story, went back and read some of what I already posted, and found that something was bugging me. I couldn’t put a finger on it at first, but I knew something was wrong. Come on, I told myself, what’s wrong with this picture? Then it hit me that it was a bit of a coincidence for Maliheh and Joni to meet up again on account of Joni of all people, who happens to be called in for this special job all the way from California. The odds of that seem rather unlikely since there are others with her skills. And so I decided I would have Joni know someone in the company that recommended her, and Joni felt it would be a good excuse to visit old friends while she was at it.

This is why I hesitate to post story excerpts before they’re complete. Even the best of writers edit their books several times before they have the finished product.

Work will be slow today, so I will tackle more of Chapter 2.

Tammy and I are now Facebook buds. Her kids look terrible, too. Lisa looks ok, but Becky and Sarah are huge and plain-faced. Tammy’s still huge too, of course. I see what they mean about obesity getting to be such an epidemic that even young people are heavy. A lot of us have had heavy spells when we were young, but there’s just no comparison to what’s going on these days. They don’t have fat spells. They simply are fat.

What a punishment on Bill to have to live with the embarrassment of having two fat daughters. After all, he once taunted Lisa for her weight, yet funny how she’s the only one that’s thin. So to have the two that he actually fathered be fat is karma, in a sense, though true karma would be seeing that he himself got fat as hell.

I’m really surprised she hasn’t checked out my blog. The link to it is right in front of her face.

My hair is now just above my waist, but that’s only when it’s pulled straight. Couple more years and I’ll be sitting on it again.

Later…

Tom is making some Barfaroni, the rat now appears to be completely blind, and I’m thinking it’d definitely be best not to post my book until it’s 100% complete. Sorry, but you’ll just have to be patient and wait till the end of the year.

I went and fixed that “odd coincidence” and had the software company Joni works for be based in NorCal. So that’s her reason for having to go to MA.

The internet connection continues to be miserably slow. Molto lento! There is obviously a loose connection in the wires by one of the poles around here, but they refuse to spend the money to send someone out to fix it. So Tom’s going to keep on complaining, hoping that sooner or later they’ll get sick of it and do something about it. I wish they would get some competition in this area! Once they do, they’re not going to be able to ignore people who can just switch companies.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 2010 Tom and I kind of felt like kids being “grounded” what with not being able to go online at all yesterday. Instead, we did other things during our “punishment.” He fixed the oldest sound machine, we got some DVDs out of the shed we’re going to send to Paula next week along with a few other things. I almost never play games, yet I played Jezzball for a while, one of those old, ancient and virtually colorless computer games. I didn’t work on my current book, but I proofread my last one. It should be out on its test run in less than a week, but not posted here. If you want, send me a private message with your email and I will float a copy your way.

I love my MyOpera blog site so much that I’m not sure I really want to bother launching my own site unless they kick me off. Since I don’t expect to make much money from book sales since I’m not famous, why not just stay there? This is the only site I’ve come across so far that doesn’t have a million and one glitches. Ah, but all good things come to an end, so I assume things will eventually change. Oh well, I’ll just enjoy them while they last and not decide anything either way when it comes to my own site.

Wednesday night I had the worst chest pains ever. It was the first time I actually had to stop what I was doing and lay down, which did seem to help. I’ve had some today too, though nothing that’s prevented me from carrying on with life as usual. I still say it’s not my heart, but if I die of a heart attack, it won’t be without patching things up with my sister first.

Yes, you really did read that last sentence correctly. It wasn’t my keyboard or my mind going crazy. When I went to check my mail I saw she left a message for me at the old diary site. My first thought was, “Oh no, oh no, oh no, not again.”

But wait…don’t assume the worst before you check out what she has to say, I told myself. And besides, the message had her real email address on it and wasn’t sent from a bogus email addy.

So I go over there and instead of reminding me how poor I am with my all-I-got-in-life dingy trailer and how I should be forever funny-farmed, there was a very sweet and sincere message waiting for me instead. She basically said that while the past can’t be undone, she really does love me and hopes we can go forward and be sisters again.

So I thought about it while Tom was in the shower, and when he got out I asked for his opinion on the matter, even though I’d already made up my mind as to what I was going to do about it. He said it was up to me. I figured he would say that, but that’s part of why I love my hubby so much no matter how many women I may be hot for on the side. Guy lets me do my own thing without fail.

Deciding I should try to start being a little more forgiving – after all, humans weren’t created to be perfect – and realizing that holding onto the past or any ill feelings wouldn’t do any good, I sent big sis a direct email and let her know that I left the diary site because of all the tech issues. I also told her that I agree; the past can’t be changed or undone, and while I wasn’t sure about full-blown buddies since we’re so different, there was nothing wrong with an occasional hello. I also told her to have a rockin’ birthday later on this month.

It’s true too, that we are very different. My family’s pretty liberal. They don’t want to go around trying to ungay the gays or anything like that. They don’t have a problem with women choosing what to do with their own lives/bodies/fetuses. But I could probably count all we have in common on one hand. We don’t look, act, or share the same interests. She’s tall, I’m short. She converted from Judaism to Christianity. I converted from nothing to nothing. I am a singer/musician/dancer turned contest enterer/writer/artificial intelligence worker. She was basically a mom who later went into the healthcare business caring for the elderly. At least I think that’s what she did. So other than being able to swear like a drunk trucker when pissed, we haven’t much in common. I’m sure I’ll always call her by the nickname (drama queen) I gave her a while back, too.

I have thought of her often throughout the years. The talks we shared, the way we’d laugh over stupid silly jokes, and how she’d always look out for me and be the protective big sister that she was. If you messed with me, you were messing with her, and that could be a very bad idea.

But in her reply, she said she thinks we may have more in common than I think, and that it’s hard for her to grasp that she’ll be 53 cuz she acts like a kid. She also plays more games than Becky and Sarah, who tell her she needs to get a life cuz she talks to her animals.

Nothing wrong with that. I talk to my rat all the time. I tell him to hurry up and croak since he was never much fun for a rat. I only kept him because Tom wanted to. His tumor’s bigger than he is, just about, and he is very old for a rat, so I think he’ll listen to me soon enough and move onto the next plane, whatever that may be for a rat not nearly as sociable, friendly and smart as most of them are.

Her message brought a smile to my face, even if a part of me hates to say so. Yeah, you put a smile on my face, bitch!

I got a kick out of how often Maliheh went looking for me. Especially since I came on with an “I’m back and will do a real entry later this afternoon or evening” message at around 11am my time. She’s been looking for me every hour ever since! I’m flattered she can’t wait to see what I have to say next, regardless of whether or not her intentions are good.

As suspected, my sister made her Facebook profile public and so I friended her. She doesn’t look as bad as I thought she might. She and the girls are heavy, though, except for Lisa.

There’s more to update on, but I’ll do it later. Gotta get to work now at my main job, get writing, get on with language studies, etc.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2010 Maliheh hit my blog at 7am my time, and again at 10am my time. The only thing I don’t like about this geomap is that it only shows the same person’s last hit for the same date. So if I don’t get up until noon to check and see that she came in at 10am, that doesn’t mean she wasn’t in at 6am as well.

Just how is it she manages to check me out so often? Is she on unemployment also?

Despite having a pair of well-muscled legs, I have such skinny little ankles. So I’m going to have to add an additional hole in the strap of my wedge sandals.

Amazingly I didn’t gain any weight from yesterday’s cookie fest. Gotta run tomorrow, though my hip has been bothering me again. I thought exercising my joints would help more, but I actually woke up in pain last night – argh!

Why is it that Maliheh, guinea pigs and vacations are a regular thing in my dreams lately, LOL? I don’t know where I was, but in real life, I would never want to vacation alone. In the dream, I was at this place that was sort of like an adult camp where they had all kinds of activities and entertainment. I toted my pet rat around with me who kept turning into a guinea pig. I had to slap it to turn it back into a rat (Tom found this part hilarious).

We’re losing a lot of money this week, though Tom assures me it’s nothing we can’t deal with. If anything, this forced vacation (though my rat never turns into a guinea pig and Maliheh is nowhere in sight), simply allows for more writing time.

Now here's a big fat holy shit, followed by a big fat yay! Caligays have been kicking ass! They won round #1 in federal court and a judge overturned the ban enacted in Karmafornia. Wow, there are some good judges after all.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2010 I jogged and dieted off a few pounds and now I’m eating sugar cookies. Smart, huh?

After not hearing from Marie for a while I was delighted to get an email from her this morning. She knows that no matter who she meets along the way and even if we never see each other I’ll always be her girl. And that hottie will always rock my world in some way or another.

Why can’t Jesse quit being a pest or turn into a gorgeous woman and at least serve some eye candy while he’s at it? He didn’t come down today, but his buzzing about on the ATV got a bit distracting. Tom was out earlier and said he was weeding. “It’s two-thirds of the way through fuego season and he’s still weeding? Wouldn’t it be faster with the bulldozer?” I said. That’s when he told me the bullshitter was at someone else’s land that he’s been working on. It’s gonna take a while to do an 8-acre parcel of land, even if all he has to do is the drive and the area around his house. The drive is hundreds of feet, though, LOL.

MONDAY, AUGUST 2, 2010 It’s looking like we won’t have internet access this Thursday. We’ve been having all kinds of problems lately with pages being really slow to load, connections cutting out, etc., so we decided to drop the phone part of the package since we never use it and it’s usually full of static when we do anyway. We’re hoping this will fix the problem, because the last time they made a major change to it, it sped up the connection big time. The good news is that instead of paying $60 a month, all we have to pay is $14 for a year since they’re having a promotional thing going on now, which is no doubt due to their losing so many customers thanks to their shitty service.

I wasn’t going to mention this, but then said why not? Last month I sent Charlotte a letter of condolence when I learned through Andy that her son died. I was a little disappointed not to have received a quick card or letter of acknowledgment in return, but then I realized that in her present state of mind, responding to letters is the least of her concerns. To lose a husband and then a son has got to be heartbreaking for her.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 2010 Maliheh returned last night and twice this morning to my blog. I guess she really is interested in the story! Especially since I messaged her on FB to say I might put the intro in my blog. But once again, is she interested because she thinks it’s cool, or because she wants to screw me?

I re-read the synopsis for my last book and realized something was wrong. Then it hit me that I didn’t say anything that’d explain how it got its title – duh! – so I edited the very last sentence.

The cyst on my ovary was acting up last night but is better today. Just when I thought I was done with this problem too, as it’s been months since it’s bothered me.

Later…

I’ve written about my life and I continue to do so. Sad times, fun times, bad times, happy times, mad times, scary times, funny times… but would most people take it to the internet as I have? Probably not, so if reading some really personal and sometimes heavy-duty shit isn’t for you, then this entry will probably kill you. Just warning you up front, cuz when it rains in my journal, it really pours. I have no shame, no fear, and no guilt as far as putting my life online. I simply tell it like it is and go with the flow. I just don’t know why. Perhaps it amuses me. Or maybe I just don’t give a shit.

Sometimes I long for what my husband cannot give me. He can’t be as attractive in my eyes as that Italian guard I’m totally in lust with. He can’t give me the kind of sex I’d like to have. He can only give me himself and be who he is. I’ve been to many places and have done many things, and I love Tom for loving me as I am. It takes a tough, tolerant and very special person to do so.

But sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out on some things. I experience all kinds of love, lust, attraction, sex and adventures in my imagination and in my stories which I’ll never actually know firsthand, and I ask myself – does everyone go through this? Does everyone else settle for a mate even if they aren’t literally settling? Does everyone else feel that they’ve gone through life missing out on some things?

I know that if I could suddenly have this guard, the lust would eventually wear off, like playing the same song over and over makes it less appealing with time. But sometimes I just want to play the damn song in the first place till it loses its shine, but I know I never will.

It’s easier to meet people these days, and I know I could meet people if I wanted to. But what are the odds of them turning me on? I mean really turning me on? It’s not like I feel the “spark” with just anyone, but just a few select people here and there, so meeting someone would be like buying a lottery ticket. The odds of getting a winner just aren’t that great. Then there’s the fact that other than Tom, I tend to get people who are either stupid, obsessive or just plain crazy. A little craziness is fine. It livens things up a bit. But there’s crazy and then there’s crazy! If it were just for sex it wouldn’t matter as much, but still, I don’t need any obsessive whack jobs in my life to any degree, and it seems all the women I was with were one extreme or another. Either they got obsessed with me and wanted to smother the hell out of me, or they’d one-night-stand me and dump me.

People in general – gay, straight, male or female, are usually one extreme or another when it comes to me and they either hate me or they love me. Few people seem to just like me. I capture someone’s heart and I deeply intrigue and interest them till they can barely get enough of me, or I send them screaming in the opposite direction, determined never to even think of me again in their life.

But I will miss the fantasy-only excitement of realizing I have a crush on someone. Then realizing they have a crush on me. Then getting to know each other. Then having amazing sex. Hey, at least I got as far as step #3 with Officer Johnson a decade ago, LOL. She tried to keep me alone in the end there, but when Misha was moved over to M Dorm, mine was the only cell with a spare bed at the time. Otherwise, I’m sure we’d have had at least some fun. I still don’t know what captivated me so much about her. She wasn’t my usual type. She was a very butchy redhead with a face full of acne, but as I’ve said before, I loved all 5-foot, 10-inch, 200 pounds of that girl. Everyone did. She was so friendly and had so much charisma about her. Oh, the shit she and the few other guards that liked me let me get away with while I was at that jail!

Not knowing her first name, I was never able to find her. I sure have wondered about her over the years, despite her letting me down in the end and learning that she was transferred to a men’s jail for flirting with too many inmates at Estrella.

Who were you and where are you now, Officer R. D. Johnson?

Who knows, maybe I’ll come back in another life and do the things I didn’t get to do in this one. Maybe I’ll be oh-so ordinary instead of the fluke that I am that can basically only do what most people can’t and can’t do what most people can. Maybe I’ll be of average height and I’ll work a typical 9-5 job. I might even be straight and have a couple of kids, though I don’t know about the kids. I’ll drive without an ounce of fear and I’ll have tons of great sex. I won’t have a deformed ear or any kind of sleep disorder.

I won’t be able to sing, I’ll be a lousy dancer, and quite unteachable when it comes to foreign languages. Like most people, I won’t have a clue as to how to write a story and will have your typical all-American shitty grammar and spelling. And hey, why would I even think of having ADHD?

Yeah, maybe. Just maybe I’ll be so damn ordinary and so damn boring that boring will almost take on a whole new meaning.

“But that’s what I love about you,” Tom’s always told me. “The fact that you’re so unique, smart and talented…”

smiles, then laughs I think I’ll go work on my story some more and then maybe pick out another language to learn, cuz there ain’t NOTHING ordinary about this crazy bitch!

0 notes

hellagoddessenergy · 2 years ago

Text

"You should..."

Do you know what gets me so fired up? When people try to use guilt to get me to do something, to try to impose what would serve them on to me. It’s a form of manipulation lol.

I’m a grown ass woman you really think you’re going to use guilt to get me to do what you want? Are you that naive? You think you’re going to get me to do something by making me feel like a “good girl” for doing the “right thing”? 😂

You’re barking up the wrong tree.

Ok now if mom is guilt tripping you into going to see your grandparents, fine, that’s a different story. You’re aware of the guilt trip, but it doesn’t mean you have to let it get to you. It’s family, and seeing your grandparents shows respect for the people who raised you and I believe in that value.

Being aware of people using guilt, that’s what I’m going for here. Being aware of how powerful guilt can be just in general.

When I talk about “good girl” programming, I’m talking about the sense of right and wrong that I was taught. What I was brought up to believe that I should and shouldn’t do.

When people say “you should…” it implies that there will be external approval (aka “good girl!”) and potentially a reward

As kids, parents use the reward/punishment system to get their children to behave, think, and act in a desirable way.

“If you are a good boy, mommy will give you a candy!”

“If you’re a bad boy, Santa will put you on the naughty list!”

It makes a lot of sense really, adults have a lot of shit going on in their life and having kids is a lot of work, even if they are little angels (which most kids are not).

I’m not saying that I disagree with the notion of using the reward/punishment system. I’m not a parent, I have zero idea how I would deal with my kids behaving in an undesirable way other than to use that system.

What I AM saying, is that I’m aware that I’ve been wired that way. This gives me, and now you, you lucky reader/listener, our power back because now we only do, think, and say things that are in alignment with our own values and intentions.

We only do things because it serves us. We don’t do anything that doesn’t serve our highest good.

And let me define “what serves me”, it’s doing what would be good to do or good to have done. It’s choosing the path that will take me where I want to go. And it’s choosing whatever is going to put me on that trajectory, over, and over and over and over again until I’m there. That’s just fucking manifesting right there lol.

Okay so now that you have this awareness of how guilt can start running your life and make you a resentful ass bitch, you should know that this power you’ve just re-discovered can be dangerous lol

because I know that when I realized this programming about myself and understanding how guilt works, I became ignorant for a second. Selfish. Bratty.

“I’m not doing anything that I don’t want to”

Sometimes when you get your power back you feel like you have to hoard it. It’s okay I get it, when you’ve been feeling powerless for a long time, you never want to experience what it’s like to lose that again. The feeling of not owing anyone anything, the feeling that no one has any control over you, the feeling that you only do things because you want to not because you have to… it’s liberating as fuck.

The thing with that power is, it was never lost, it was only forgotten, because of the programming.

When I came to this understanding of how guilt works, I stopped going to the gym lol I was like fuck that shit, I don’t want to.

I ate whatever I wanted. I stopped reading. I stopped responding to emails.

Why? Because I felt like I was only doing those things BECAUSE I felt like I SHOULD. Because I felt guilty if I didn’t.

And that wasn’t serving me. Doing things because I feel like “I should” or “I ought to” made me feel like I was living someone else’s life, not my own.

Because the moment I took the “importance” label off, I was able to finally just breathe. I was able to get back to the understanding of what I actually wanted, what was actually valuable to me instead of trying to keep up with the rat race.

Instead of trying to keep up with other people and what THEY were doing, I got REAL clear about what I wanted to be doing.

Are there things in life that I do that I don’t want to all the time?

Fuck yeah there are. The gym. Eating right. Paying my bills.

This isn’t about not doing things that you don’t want to. This is about changing the way you perceive doing things that you’re not necessarily stoked about.

Now you’re doing things that you don’t particularly want to because you know it’s for the highest good. You know that if you don’t pay your bills, the power is going to be shut off. If you don’t go the gym and eat right, you’re going to start feeling like garbage and probably looking like it too. You UNDERSTAND there are consequences to every action (or inaction) and because you’re an adult.

I used to complain a lot about how hard it was to fit everything in a day. Reading, getting ready, work, exercise, laundry, cleaning, cooking… I’d whine and get all frustrated because I felt like it was this uphill climb constantly.

So when I stopped doing things because of guilt and started doing things because I knew that it would shape how I wanted my life to look like, all of a sudden I had all this energy again.

I stopped focusing on what I thought I HAD to do and started focusing on what I could do everyday to get to what I see my higher self as.

I dropped the attitude of “I’m not doing anything that I don’t want to do” and I started manifesting my life through doing the hard shit and knowing that it would get easier.

You know that getting out of your comfort zone expands your mind, makes you stronger, and things that used to be hard, aren’t so hard anymore because you’ve created all these new neural pathways that have taught your brain that just because you once perceived something as hard, doesn’t mean it ALWAYS will be.

It's like the first time you drove a car. It took a lot of mental energy. Watching for traffic, keeping the speed limit, knowing where you are, turning on your blinker, slowly and precisely stepping on the brake, you’re lucky if you didn’t drive a manual that’s a whole other story.

But now, all of that is AUTOMATIC. A neural pathway was formed because you started driving more and more and because your mind IS WELL INTENTIONED and wants to serve you as best as it can, it doesn’t want you spending all your energy and focus on doing something that you do everyday.

It wants it to be automatic for you so you can use that energy learning how to do other things.

#discipline #manifestation #higher self #awareness #intention #success #ambition #determined #focused

0 notes

senescenceandsensibility · 2 years ago

Text

Rambling in the New Year

Here we are. Happy New Year.

The holidays were fine. I traveled for Thanksgiving but was home alone for Christmas. In the past, family might join me (or us, when my husband was alive) and that felt right. But now it feels weird to tack myself on to established traditions in other households, even my sisters’.

It is inevitably hard. There isn’t a single piece of media one can consume at this time of year that doesn’t hammer at you about family and togetherness and love, either how vital it is for human existence in general, or how tragic it is when all that isn’t present on this one day above all the days. I felt okay on Christmas, but I was a lot better the day after. I was white knuckling it. Just get behind me, please.

When I was about 14, I said I didn’t want a party for my birthday. My extreme teenage self-consciousness was on the rise, and I couldn’t conceive of a party at our house that I could enjoy. That was true and I didn’t change my mind even as I cried on the day. Sometimes being alone is the next best thing, and you take it. I had and have a lot to be grateful for. I’m incredibly lucky. Also, occasionally, lonely. It’s not a death sentence even if everything this time of year makes you feel like it is.

And now, the new year. Ahh. What will it be?

I just read some advice about making a list of 10 things you love to do, a reference for hard days or when you’ve been doing for others for too long and have forgotten what fills your well. But I can’t come up with 10 things. Read, knit, jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles….that’s it. That’s my list. All of them safe at home.

I suppose I should put writing on the list, but although I *do* feel better for having done it, it’s not something I turn to with any eagerness. Everything seems to take a bite out of me. And because I am perhaps a little too wary of things that might drain me (and to be fair, almost everything does), I’ve boxed myself in.

I have had memory issues lately, bad enough to have spun myself into thinking there’s Something Wrong, even though there are plenty of reasons for me to be distracted and forgetful, namely the 50+ hours per week I spend at the beck and call of 150 people. It’s not a mystery why I’m not particularly present when my mind is a hundred places at once. I’m taking some steps, implementing tools to help me. Trying to use my time more wisely, etc. Deleting apps, unsubscribing from emails. The usual new year stuff.

There’s so much we unconsciously buy into. You’re only really legitimate if you’re loved, you’re only really loved if you’re shapely and fit and fashionable, and so on. It’s a lot to carry around. I do feel like I’m unloading some of it but not really sure what’s on the other side. Also, I want to be loved. I was trained to want all of that stuff.

Not surprisingly, given my mother and my husband, I used to think a lot about dying from disease. But I seem to have reached an age where I’m more concerned about dying suddenly. About a car accident, the hail of gunfire. I don’t feel like I’ve started, let alone finished, what I’m here for. And that seems especially important now that I can see I’m not here for the Big Love. That’s not going to be my story, so then, what is? And can I manage it alone before I’m gone?

Ha, not a cheerful new year post, sorry.

Lots of people chafe under parental expectation, familial responsibilities, partner needs. I don’t have any of that. No one but me cares what I do or if I do anything but what I’m already doing, which at the moment is going to work and then coming home. That used to bother me a lot because I also had no money. I’m financially more secure than I was, and because that tremendous weight has been lifted, I failed to recognize what is almost certainly a low-level depression. One that would certainly explain my distractedness, my loss of spirit. One that is also a hundred percent to be expected. We’ve all been through some stuff lately! I’ve never been one for uncomplicated feelings. I can feel lucky and sad. I am both grateful and disappointed.

So, I am resolving. To write things down, even if I think I’ll remember. I will do puzzles and read and knit. I will maybe, just maybe, pick up my manuscript and finish that thing once and for all. I will try to recognize what restores me and do more of it.

Here’s to a year better than last. I hope you found the best notebook ever.

0 notes

rustclaw · 9 months ago

Note

It took me like ten minutes to realize what you meant in the first sentence lmao. I was so confused at first lol

I forgot he wasn’t eating and was giving Mousefur all his food lol

But what I meant was more so “if he could see the tree literally falling on top of the elders den maybe he wouldn’t go inside”

And Longtail was an asshole when the books first started, though he became much nicer later on in the books. His only

If we are turning this into trauma dumping, here’s Jayfeathers long list lol

From kithood to adulthood, so many cats have always looked down on him thinking he was lesser and weak, unable to be a warrior or to do more then be an elder. At only like five moons old, him and his siblings are chased by foxes. He falls down the wall into camp, almost dying in the process. This makes everyone even more doubtful that he could be a warrior. He’s finally apprenticed, and it’s to Brightheart. He was out with the only disabled warrior. This obviously makes him feel even more left out and different from anyone else. He finds out as a very young child that he is meant to do great things, which will weigh down most people. Cats constantly tell him to become a medicine cat or elder, and eventually he gives in after loosing so much self respect that he believes them. He finds the stick and has to help cats of the past into the mountains. He loves Half Moon but is forced to leave her behind. Him and Leafpool have all of the clan depending on him to save them from any illnesses or injuries, which is a lot to expect from two cats. Then his brothers MENTOR traps them in fire in front of their mother, aiming to have them all burn alive in front of her because she dumped him years ago. They barely manage to get him to let them live, and even then it came ay the threat of ruining their parents lives as well as turning their lives completely upside down since they learned they aren’t even Squirrelflight’s kits. Then they think they aren’t even clanborn, and he’s even more distanced from his clanmates from that. He finds out his real parents, and Leafpool says he should just move on and forget about being lied to their ENTIRE life up to that point. He has the hide the secret that his own sister killed Ashfur to keep the secret, until she reveals it at a gathering. He’s even more ostracized by his own clan and all the others after that. And in that chaos he’s also the only medicine cat able to take care of ThunderClan, which is a shit ton of work when he had only been a medicine cat for less then a year. His sister is then seemingly killed right in front of him, which makes it even harder. When he follows Poppyfrost to the Moonpool, his very own half brother attacks him and tries to kill him. His own birth father doesn’t care for him either. He has the weight of all the clans on his shoulders, as he has to help try to save the clans from the Dark Forest. When one of his relatives, Flametail, starts to drown, he tries to save him but is forced by a ghost to leave him to die. He’s once again ostracized by all the clans and accused of murder. He then also has to watch Hollyleaf die as he desperately tries to save her. Jayfeather gets badly Ill, and passes it onto Briarlight who dies from it. He blames himself for her death. Then his birth mother dies, and he has to deal with that grief while also once again being the head medicine cat and in charge of everything. His adoptive father then dies, after he does everything he can to save him, even following the words of a apprentice to try to save him. Eventually he comes alive as a horrible person, who punished him for being half clan when he couldn’t change that. He also is made to swear an oath to the imposter before being exiled completely from his home, having to join ShadowClan, where he doesn’t know where anything is and struggles a lot. His adoptive parents are both then brought to the Dark Forest where he can do nothing to help save them.

I’ve probably forgotten some things, but that’s all I can think of

Even if we took out “handsomeness” “cuteness” and “better design”, as those are all ones that will vary person to person, it would still leave Jayfeather at 9 and Longtail at 8 points

Jayfeather has nothing on Longtail and I challenge you to an incoherent baseless-fact duel about it

Jayfeather has a good reason to be an asshole. As far as I know, Longtail just is one for fun.

Jayfeather’s personality is consistent in all books he’s in. Longtails isn’t as much, as he changes how he acts suddenly between books after he’s blinded

After being blinded, Longtail completely gives up on being a warrior. He doesn’t even try. Jayfeather, on the other hand, faces lots of cats telling him he can’t be a warrior but he still tries. Eventually, he gives up and becomes a medicine cat, but he at least tries and refuses to just go to the elders den as others believe he should. Even his own parents didn’t think he could be a warrior

Oh and assholes are way better then kind people (for characters only lol)

Oh and Longtail once tried to teach Jaykit how to exist as a blind cat when Jaykit literally didn’t need his advice because he didn’t even know what it would be like to see, and I haven’t forgiven Longtail for that lmao

Totally not biased at all lol

Also ignore the shitty drawings I made this in less then an hour lmao

18 notes · View notes

redpandaramblings · 3 years ago

Text

Like Caramel For Chocolate- An Omega Bakugou x Alpha f!Reader fic. Part 6

Part 1 Here

Next part Here

Content Warning: Negative headspace, omegaverse, self deprecation, depressive thoughts, pushy parental figures, ambiguous omegaverse reproduction, unhealthy relationships, relationship that could be easily fixed if idiots would use their words and communicate, Shinso/Denki side relationship, Bakugou is a dumbass but so is y/n

Where we left off-

Before Bakugou could reply, the jeweler came back into the room and handed Denki a piece of paper.

“All right sir, here is your receipt! Your ring should be ready in three days.”

“Thanks.” Denki shoved the receipt into his pocket, quickly making his way to the door. “See you around Bakubro. Don't want to be late for my shift.” The door closed behind him with a bang.

Bakugou wasn’t annoyed though. Now he could pick out the perfect ring for Y/N and not worry about Kaminari being nearby. Everyone knows Kami can’t keep a secret to save his life.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep all of this a secret.” Denki moaned into his hands. He was sitting with his head buried in his arms. Y/N reached across the table and gently petted his hair.

“I know what you mean, but I don’t think either of us are in a good position to start telling people.”

Y/n and Denki sat in a secluded corner of a dimly lit cafe. Both of them had this time free and both of them definitely needed to talk. They stood a lot less chance of anyone asking questions if they were just two friends getting lunch instead of them privately going to each other’s apartments.

Denki looked up, giving Y/N a wide eyed expression. “I know, but I wasn’t expecting Bakugou to show up when I was dropping off that abomination of a ring! I just was lucky the jeweler had already taken it to the back. You were right by the way, that thing is absolutely horrendous. Like, was the designer blind?”

Y/N snorted. “From what I’ve heard, great great grandpappy had a lot more money than brains and wanted to impress his omega by shoving as many stones onto a ring as possible.”

“No kidding. I think it can be seen from space.”

“Very likely.” Y/N chuckled before slumping back into her seat with a sigh. “Though I might have an idea about what Bakugou was doing there.”

“Wait, seriously?”

Y/N nodded with a sigh. “Yeah. When I got back he invited me to the summer festival. I’d forgotten about it.”

“Ah shit, yeah. Isn’t that your guys' anniversary?”

“Yep.” Y/N sighed, rubbing her forehead. “Of course he had to pick this time to actually celebrate. We haven’t gone or done anything… God, I think since he became a hero.”

“So you think he was getting a gift.” Denki sat back as the server came, placing your orders in front of each of you. You both murmured your thank yous and waited until the server was out of earshot before resuming your conversation.

“Yeah, he had to have been. Makes me feel terrible, but there wasn’t a good time to… Well…”

Y/n gestured between herself and Denki.

“Tell him that you’ve been betrothed to an omega of much superior looks, breeding, and manners?”

You gave Denki a little kick under the table as he cackled. He grinned cheekily as he poked at his food. “Sorry. Humor is my coping mechanism. I get it though. Timing sucks all the way around.”

You nodded, sighing and taking a bite of your own food. “Can’t say anything during his heat. Then his schedule was swamped, and I had to sort things out with you. Then bam, anniversary that for some reason he decided to remember this year.”

Denki snorted, popping a bite into his mouth. “That’s about the long and the short of it. And we haven’t even begun to figure out how to tell everyone we’ve not only accepted arranged betrothals, but that we’re engaged to each other.”

“I don’t know, I was kind of hoping we could just move to Tahiti and never speak to our former friend groups ever again?”

“A valid possibility. But that means we’d have to learn French and maybe Tahitian. You know I only passed English because Hitoshi and his dad coached me.”

“Fair point.” You sighed heavily. “But I’m really not looking forward to these conversations.”

“They have to happen though. You might have some anonymity to hide behind, but I’d rather my friends not find out about our engagement when they see an article about Chargebolt getting married.”

“Really?” You smirked slightly. “Then you’re going to tell everyone at your agency, hmm?”

Denki kicked you under the table. “Shut up!”

You poked at your food again as the smile fell from your lips. “So… Did you get a chance to think about what I sent you?”

Kaminari nodded. “Yeah. And I hate to say it, but I think you’re right.”

“I thought about it a lot. I hate to leave the area, but it would be too awkward to stay here after everything.”

A few days ago you had sent Denki an email with a list of places that had job openings that would suit both of you. You both loved where you lived, but after everything, how could you stay? There’s no way the two of you could continue to keep living in the same apartment building as Bakugou. That would be cruel. Cruel to whom you didn’t quite want to think about. You spoke up again.

“Any place catch your eye?”

Kaminari nodded. “I was kind of thinking Okinawa. I have a few connections there. Decent distance from here and from our parents. And that would probably be the easiest transition.”

“Works for me.” You said, as if it wasn’t ripping your heart out to do this. It hurt. But it had to happen. In the end, you had to believe this was what was best for everyone. It might take some time, but this was it. This was what would make everyone happy in the long run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shinsou was worried. Denki had been acting odd. And that’s saying something. The blond omega was usually loud and bubbly, the life of the agency. At least once a week, he invited Shinsou out for drinks, meals, clubs, karaoke, or some other nonsense. But ever since he’d gotten back from his three day leave, Kaminari had been acting strange. When he thought no one was looking, he was quiet. Withdrawn. Like he was puzzling out the toughest problem of his life.

Denki having a problem? Pretty typical. Denki having a problem and not talking to Shinsou about it? Pretty unusual. The blond had always come to the purple haired alpha with even the simplest of problems. Apartment searches, furniture assembly, what support items would suit his quirk best, even things like what to get from Starbucks. And even though he might groan and roll his eyes, secretly Hitoshi loved every second of it. When he had helped by digging through websites, cobbling together a rickety shelf, or reminding Denki that he always got the most cloyingly sweet items on the menu; Hitoshi got to pretend that he was Denki’s alpha.

Shinsou wasn’t sure exactly when he had fallen in love with Denki. Probably had been since high school at least. His dad had warned him against loud blonds while his father had laughed. But he couldn’t help it. Kaminari had been one of the first people to enthusiastically believe in him. Had always sought him out and wormed his way into Shinsou’s life and heart. And now Shinsou couldn’t understand it, but Denki was pulling away. Even as he watched the blond who was typing up a report on his computer, it somehow felt like Kaminari was slipping right through his fingers.

Shinsou cleared his throat. Kaminari glanced up. “Yeah man? What’s up?”

“You doing okay, Denks? You’ve seemed a little out of it.”

Denki met his eyes, startled, then quickly glanced away. “Yeah. Yep! Totally fine.”

“Denki. I know you.”

Kaminari sighed and slumped on his desk. “Just some life stuff. Family stuff. Friend stuff.”

Shinsou frowned, walking over to place a hand on Denki’s shoulder. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Denki snorted and laughed quietly. Shinsou furrowed his brows.

“Yeah” Denki sighed. “I know. But half of it isn’t really my stuff to tell and the other half isn’t exactly worth talking about.”

“You sure? We could go grab one of your obnoxiously sweet coffees after work. Go to mine or yours, watch an old crappy horror.”

“Tempting. Thanks man. I would, really, but I got some stuff I have to do after work. Some other time maybe.”

Shinsou frowned. It was rare for the omega to turn down an invitation for a movie night. Hell, it was rare for Denki to turn down an invitation, end stop. It made him even more worried about his omega… friend. His omega friend. His friend who just so happens to be an omega. Hitoshi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He really didn’t want to ruin the best friendship he had. But he couldn’t keep this up much longer. His alpha had decided on the electric blond long ago, and the omega’s unusual behavior and unhappy scent was driving him wild with the need to protect. He really needed to pull himself together and confess soon.

“Well, whenever you’re free then,” Shinsou said, reluctantly letting his hand fall from Denki’s shoulder. “You know my number.”

Denki nodded and looked up, giving him half a smile. “I do. Thanks Shinsou.”

Shinsou walked back to his desk, his mind made up. He needed to tell his omega how he felt, and soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N twisted and turned, looking at herself in the mirror. It had been a very long time since she’d worn a yukata. It didn’t feel right to dress up like this. But wearing anything else also felt wrong. Everything about this date felt wrong. Like this was the kind of she she did in another life. And now here she was, going on a date with the man she loved. Who she’d always love. And who she’d already decided she was going to let go.

Y/N snorted and fussed with her hair a bit. Maybe she should have just refused this date. Claimed to be sick or something. But that felt wrong too. So, she just had to get through tonight. After all, what’s one more night of pretending everything is fine? Hopefully this could be a good memory from a relationship that just wasn’t meant to be. After tonight, she’d wait a couple days and then talk to Bakugou and let him go like he clearly wanted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katsuki was going to throw up.

He was going to throw up, right here, all over himself and all over shitty hair, too. His red headed friend was giving him a pep talk as he helped Bakugou into his jinbei. Not that Bakugou needed the help. Or the pep talk. It just was easier to let the squad come over when they had found out about his date. It’s not like he wanted them there or anything. Once Kiri, Mina, and Sero realized he was going to use this date to ask Y/N to be his mate, they had insisted on helping him get ready.

None of them knew about the little velvet box in his pocket and that his plans went further than just asking Y/N to be his mate. Bakugou bit his lip to keep from frowning as he looked over his friends, a certain loud blond conspicuously missing. You wouldn’t hear Katsuki admit it out loud, but he really wished Denki could have been here. He loved the others, and they were great in their own ways. But Denki was his pack’s other omega. He got it in a way that the others didn’t. After tonight, he’d have to make sure to catch Pikachu up on all the news. Hell, maybe he could help his fellow blond finally talk to that purple haired idiot he’d been mooning over for years. Everyone in the pack knew Denki’s family had been harping at him to settle down for quite a while.

Bakugou looked up in time to see Mina coming at him with the hair grease. He threw up his hands.

“Fuck no! Keep that shit away from me!”

“You’ve got to do something about that pile of straw you call a haircut. Besides, Wouldn’t it be nostalgic? Weren’t you interning for Best Jeanist again when you asked Y/N out the first time?”

“Yes, and I’d rather shave myself bald than ever have my hair like that again!”

Mina sighed. “Fine. We’ll do something else. But if I can’t slick it back, you will be wearing eyeliner!”

“IN YOUR DREAMS, PINKY!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You waited outside the entrance to the festival. It was strangely soothing to watch the people flow by, like you were a rock overlooking a stream. There were groups of friends, couples both young and old, families where the laughing children ran ahead of their parents eager to get inside. You gave a small smile at the last. Maybe that could be you someday, a parent getting to see a festival through the eyes of a child again. Though the mental picture was hazier than it used to be. The children you half imagined just blurs of colorful yukatas, instead of loud and stubborn blond haired brats with their father’s eyes and attitude. You huffed a quiet laugh to yourself as a thought occurred to you. If you and Kaminari actually went through with this plan, decent chance the kids would still be blond. The thought hurt a little.

“Y/N!”

You looked up and had the breath knocked out of your lungs.

Katsuki was beautiful. You knew it. Thought it often, even. But tonight he practically glowed. His hair had been tamed into a softer look than usual. The jinbei he wore was the perfect compliment to his skintone. Was that… Yes. Dark eyeliner made his crimson eyes pop. Your heart ached. You’d always love this man. No matter how it tore you apart, he’d always own part of your heart and soul. You smiled weakly and raised your hand in greeting.

“Hey. You look good.”

“Thanks.” Bakugou scratched the back of his head. “Mina got ahold of me.”

“That explains it then.”

“Hey!” Katsuki gently elbowed you in the side before taking his place next to you. “You saying I can’t dress up on my own?”

“Yes.”

“Y/N!” You dodged out of the way as he swatted at you, laughing. Yes. This could be it. One last good night.

“Shall we go in?” You asked, holding out your hand.

“That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?” Katsuki asked as he walked past you, ignoring your hand.

You gave a quiet smile as you followed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katsuki picked at his food, none of it making it to his mouth. He was going to be sick. He was going to be sick right here and some paparazzi was going to see and take a picture and the big headline tomorrow was going to be “A Puke Worthy Proposal.” He was trying his best to keep up the illusion that everything was fine and normal, but it was rough. It had been a long time since he’d taken his alpha on even a normal date. And this wasn’t any normal date. It didn’t help that things were feeling forced and awkward.

He wanted to hold your hand, but his own hands were sweating buckets. He tried to keep up casual conversation, but that was getting harder and harder as the night wore on. Every sentence he wanted to just blurt it out and get it over with. It was impossible to keep talking about what vendors he recognized when all he wanted to say was “I love you and I’ll always love you and I want you by my side until the sun stops shining.”

It didn’t help that things felt awkward. Almost nothing was feeling easy or natural. It really had been far too long since the two of you had gone on any sort of date. He frowned as he thought about it. It had been over a year, at least. Longer, even. Well, he was going to have to fix that. He’d be able to use some of that pro hero paycheck and spoil you like you deserved. His Y/N. His mate. And soon, his wife.

Bakugou stared at nothing, his eyes going unfocus as he started daydreaming about how spectacular your wedding would be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was a disaster. You glanced over to where Bakugou stood picking at his food, looking bored. You’d been trying to keep up the conversation, but for the past several minutes you’d only gotten hums or grunts in response to anything you said.

“It’s amazing how they got all those pro heroes to dance nude as one of the main attractions this year.”

Katsuki grunted.

Yeah, he wasn’t paying attention at all.

You sighed, looking down at your own untouched food. You never should have agreed to come. At least this date was proving it to you. This had to end. The two of you didn’t know how to be a couple anymore. It was even clearer that Katsuki wasn’t even interested in trying. You had no idea why he wanted to have this date in the first place. Some bizarre sense of obligation? Maybe his heat had shaken him up enough that his omega needed the sense of normalcy? This issue was this wasn’t normal for the two of you anymore. It hadn’t been for a very long time. You sighed, glancing around for a trash can to oust you untouched dango.

A loud pop caused you to look up. The fireworks were about to start.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bakugou looked up at the sound of the first firework.

“Wanna head to the pier?”

You nodded quietly, following him as he led the way. He was sweating so much now that if he set himself off he’d take out half the city.

This was it. It was almost time. The two of you were going to watch the fireworks from the out of the way pier like you had all those years ago. It was at the end of that fireworks show the two of you had had your first kiss. And this time… Well this time at the end of the show he was going to propose and you were going to say yes, and it was going to be perfect.

That is if he didn’t barf before you two got there.

“Hurry up,” he grunted as he picked up the pace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You tried not to flinch at Bakugou’s harsh tone. He clearly wanted to get this night over with even more than you did. You tried not to let it hurt.

The pier was empty as it always was. The lack of lighting keeping others away. The first time you had discovered it, it had felt hidden and intimate. Now it felt desolate. Lonely.

You walked up to the railing and stared at the sky. The fireworks didn’t feel magical anymore either. Your fingers wrapped around the railing as you glanced to the side. Bakugou wasn’t even looking up. He was staring at the reflections of flashes in the dark swirling water below.

You couldn’t do this anymore.

No more.

The fireworks illuminated you as your grip on the railing tightened until your knuckles turned white.

“Katsuki?”

“”What?” He asked roughly, barely glancing your way.

“Let’s break up.”

And that was Part 6, my darlings! Hope you're enjoying the drama, because there's more angst on the way! You can scream at me about the cliffhanger in replies, reblogs, tags or asks. :P

TAGLIST- @yzviea, @not-a-pushover, @thelilypieforever, @kumihayu, @aomi04, @ladybakugouu, @luajosephdun-blog, @hakunamatatayqueen, @my-thoughts-are-weird, @left-alone-yuki, @officialtrashbusiness, @lonelyheart-clubband, @katsuki-cait, @moonwritters26, @animexholic, @kyrah-williams, @emilymikado, @wolvesblaxe360, @ficklemcselfish, @helena-way07, @fandomsaremylifesposts, @baby-bakuhoe, @sukeraa, l@ucypevensie11, @idk-sam, @katsuki-cait, @weirdestlove, @sasa-slayer, @anime-for-live, @kaidousimp, @bluesdustyflames, @vitheria, @milktea0208, @maristaymulti, @whatdidshesayyy, @memesbyeloise , @fandomsgotmefucked, @killmehe, @shy-panda02 Just a reminder, if you want tagged make sure you have the ability to be tagged turned on; and I’d have to be informed if your blog name changes! Cheers, Darlings!

#reader insert #bnha reader insert #bakugou x fem!reader #bakugou angst #bakugou x reader #reader insert angst #bakugou katsuki #katsuki x reader #omegaverse #omega bakugou #alpha reader #multi part fic #denki #fake dating #fake engagement #part 6

479 notes · View notes

oneshot-wxnderland · 3 years ago

Text

Lab Partners With Benefits Pt. 3 | Percy Jackson

Summary: Another week, another lab and Y/n and Percy are feeling a different kind of tension this time.

Category: fluff

Part 1 | Part 2

–––––––––––––––––––

Percy had been kicking himself all week. He had forgotten to ask you for your number before you left his place and now you probably thought he was just some asshole looking for a one-time hookup. And he didn’t want that. And he hoped you didn’t want that either. But he wasn’t really sure what he wanted.

It’d been a hot minute since Percy was in any kind of relationship and he wasn’t sure if he was even the relationship kind. Even if he did want to be, his life just didn’t lend itself to dating mortals. There was always some monster popping up that he’d have to fight, or quest he’d have to go on, or emergency at camp he’d have to run off to, and Percy was a shit liar. It’s what messed up the last time he’d tried to date somebody. He was constantly blowing off dates and rain-checking everything because the gods are needy attention seekers.

He’d seen superhero movies before and related a lot to when they had similar issues. Percy’s not saying he’s Spiderman or anything, but he does live in New York and save it from constant peril – so yeah, he’s Spiderman.

This time, however, he was really considering trying again. Trying with you. And Percy had a plan.

Sliding into his seat when there were only a few other people in the room yet, Percy felt pumped up. He woke up early, showered, had a FaceTime with the boys to discuss the game plan, and got to class ahead of you so that he was ready to give you his number the first chance he got before he lost his nerve. That was part of Jason’s advice: offer his number to you instead of asking for yours. He claimed it would make Percy come off more vulnerable and less pushy. Leo mostly just spouted different cheesy lines that Percy would never use. Frank didn’t say much but Hazel piped in every now and then when she took the phone from him.

“So, you’re lab partners,” Hazel started. “Do you talk outside of your lab?”

“No, that’s why I need her number.”

“But you said you did homework together at your place right? So how’d that go? Did she seem interested?”

Percy paused.

“Yeah, it went... fine.”

Hazel was blissfully unaware of the blush that was creeping up his neck but Jason didn’t miss it. Or the way he suddenly needed to roll up his sleeves and fiddle with them.

“Did you just do the homework?” Jason asked suspiciously.

“We uh... kissed...”

“Niiiiiicee, Percy!” Leo hollered. “That’s my boy!”

Frank retook the phone from Hazel and hastily gave an excuse to go before leaving the call and cutting off Hazel’s confused protests.

“I don’t know what to tell you, man,” Jason shook his head. “This is way beyond my level now. Piper and Annabeth are nearby I’ll go get them-.”

“No!” Percy cut him off. That’s the last thing he wanted. The girl’s won’t know or care what to do so they’d ask Piper’s siblings and then the entirety of camp would know. “It doesn’t really change anything. I’m going to give her my number and then the ball’s in her court and I don’t have to worry about it.”

“But your balls were in her court, weren’t they Percy.”

“Leo I am going to kill you when I get back to camp and that is a threat.”

Leo left the call.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, just don’t do your game-time face because it’ll scare her off,” Jason tried to get the conversation back on track.

“What face? I don’t have a scary face?” Percy added another item to the list of things to not do when he saw her.

“Yes you do. It’s when you’re charging into battle but this isn’t battle is it Percy?”

“You’re lucky,” Percy lamented while he grabbed his backpack. “You just woke up and were already with Piper. All the hard work done for you.”

“You got this man, just be yourself.”

Percy decided to throw that particular bit of garbage advice away.

Now he was sitting in his seat, got there early, and he was even wearing his nice t-shirt, so what could go wrong.

As soon as you walked in the door all of his carefully curated bravado deflated inside of him. You walked towards your shared table and he had to expel childish nerves he hadn’t felt in years. He’s in college now, for Hades’ sake. He was a man.

“Hey,” you greeted as you sat down.

“Hi.” That was stupid. Men don’t say ‘hi’. He should’ve said ‘hey’ back.

“You’re here early,” you commented and Percy just nodded like an idiot.

The plan was to giver you his number as soon as he saw you, but he couldn’t just blurt that out of nowhere.

“How’ve you been?”

There. Establishing a conversation and definitely not stalling.

“I’ve been good.” The small amused smile on your face calmed him down a little. He’s got this.

Class started before he could slip his number in casually but Percy wasn’t deterred. He wasn’t going to let geology get in his way.

While you were reading the data you had to chart on the graph, you noticed Percy’s usual fidgeting get even worse. Glancing at him from the corner of your eye, you saw him concentrating intensely on the paper and trying to contain his frustration. You recognized the signs since one of your friends has dyslexia, but you knew he wouldn’t ask for help.

“So we have to plot the points on the graph and then draw the elevation lines, right?” You asked casually, looking over to him for confirmation. He nodded his head, but still continued to squint at the numbers which all were very small print and close to each other.

Muttering the numbers as if to yourself but loud enough for him to hear, you got to work.

Percy sat back and smiled a little, knowing what you were doing. He looked over at you, from your furrowed brow to your crossed legs bouncing with your tapping foot. With a contented sigh, he recalled what it felt like to be in between those legs. Having them wrapped around his hips while you moaned his name.

His eyes trailed up your body, memories that were attached to each part flooding through him like a highlight reel of his deepest fantasies. Then he got to your bare arms and the goosebumps on the skin shook him out of it.

“Cold?” he asked, interrupting you trying to help him which he really should have been listening to.

“Yeah, a little.”

“Here.” Percy shrugged off his hoodie and held it out to you before pausing (and slightly panicking.)

Hold up, is this weird? Am I being weird right now? Should giving her my hoodie come before or after we exchange numbers? I guess doing it before could be a good test of whether she would be interested in exchanging numbers. But this is couple stuff. Her wearing my hoodie. That usually comes after numbers. But she’s cold now and I can’t seem like an asshole withholding warmth unless she accepts or declines my number.

Luckily, you didn’t seem to notice his panic as you took the hoodie from him without hesitation and put it on. “Thanks.”

He calmed down as he watched you roll up the sleeves so that your hands were free to work and he felt a different kind of warmth spread through him. He liked the way you looked in his hoodie.

You caught him watching you and it threw you off. This wasn’t the heated gaze that had made you melt before, this was... softer. But the moment was ruined when you glanced down and saw that he hadn’t drawn a single point yet.

“Hey,” you tapped your pencil on his paper. “Focus.”

“Sorry.”

You worked well together for a while. The rhythm of plotting points distracted Percy from his nerves. That is until he felt your hand on his forearm.

“What’s this?” You asked, finger tracing the SPQR of his tattoo and making him shiver.

“Oh, it’s a band.”

“What band?”

“The Super Popular... Cool Rockers.”

“They spell Cool with a Q?”

“That’s what makes it cool.”

“Ah.”

Percy went back to the worksheet, congratulating himself on his quick thinking when he saw you pull out your phone.

“What are you doing?” he asked, totally nonchalant.

“Looking up the Super Popular Qool Rockers.”

Percy snatched your phone.

“Oh, you won’t find them.” He dodged your attempts to grab it. “They’re really underground.”

“You’ll be really underground if you don’t give me my phone back.” Percy hastily returned your phone, as if the threat scared him. You tried to glare at him, but found it too hard to suppress your smile once his broke out. “Thank you. Now will you tell me what it really means?”

“Maybe one day.” People started packing their things and leaving since class had flown by faster than Percy liked. Sensing his window of opportunity closing he decided to Hades with it. “Depends if you go on a date with me.”

You took your time standing up and gathering your things while pretending to mull it over in your head. Which Percy really did not appreciate.

“Maybe one day,” you answered him with a coquettish smile and took a few steps towards the door. “Well, aren’t you coming?”

Percy was too concentrated on restraining a fist pump to puzzle out your meaning.

“We didn’t get much work done today, so we better finish what we started at your place.” You winked at him and strided out the door.

With a mischievous grin, Percy was quick to follow.

#percy jackson #percy jackson smut #percy jackson x reader #percy jackson x you #percy jackson x y/n

682 notes · View notes

cheekygreenty · 4 years ago

Note

Hi, I just saw your prompt list for Shadow&Bone!! could you possibly do No. 2 from Angst, but like with a happy ending? Like reader n Kirigan are togeather but then Alina's comes along.. just, please let be happy at the end. I like angst, but my heart can't handle sad endings 😢😢 thank you!!! ❤❤

Future- The Darkling x Reader

(Very very angsty with a happy (?) ending. It made me cry a lil bit writing it ngl)

You trusted him, wholeheartedly. At least that's what you told yourself every day since she came to the Little Palace; the place you had always called home, where you felt safe from the prying eyes of the public.

Yet now, the place was fueled by harsh rumors of him and her. Everywhere you went you could hear a whisper, nobody tried to hide it anymore, the words were always entirely devoted to your crumbling union;

'I thought they were happy'

We were.

'How can he and Alina not be together, it's destiny.'

I'm starting to think so too.

You didn't acknowledge it. Just put on a sweet smile and a brave face. Don't let them see you're hurting. Even in your own home, you had to pretend and lie, which at the end of the day, when you laid in an empty bed, made you exhausted.

He told you she meant nothing more to him than a mere weapon. But that was when she first came and when he still managed to make it to your shared chambers and would whisper sweet nothings as you fell asleep.

It was different now, on more than one occasion you caught a glimpse of them together, him looking at her the way he always looked at you. However much he claimed to be a good actor and manipulator, there was something there and he couldn't deny it either.

You hadn't confronted him about it yet fearing that if you did, the truth would hurt and sting and make all those rumors true. In addition, you haven't seen him in days and the last time you did, he told you to stay away from the wonderful Sun-Summoner.

The truth was you knew deep down in your heart that she wasn't at fault. That she was not the root of the problem. You constantly fought with yourself to stop any hatred you felt towards her. She was lovely, kind compassionate, and innocent. She didn't deserve to feel your wrath.

But with that came the confusion of who to blame. You or Him. It made you tired and weak. The smallest of tasks made you drained and tears would well in your eyes at the thought of having to live another day like this, a day full of questioning yourself and the man you loved more than anything in the world.

No matter how much of a strong person you swore you were, this was taking a substantial toll on you. He had become your support network and he knew it, he loved it. He always said he finally felt appreciated when you came around, that he wasn't alone anymore. He had conditioned you to be this way. When times got tough, he was always your shoulder to cry on.

No doubt that shoulder was now next to Alina. Perhaps they went on a horse ride, visited the Black Heretic fountain, or were enjoying a rendezvous next to the lake.

You didn't want to know, all that mattered was that he wasn't there with you when you were falling apart. Maybe you relied on him too much.

You wondered if he noticed the whispers too, or the way you'd been missing crucial meetings, or even if he noticed you wearing your red kefta more often, ditching the black once you'd heard Genya speak of making a golden-black kefta for Alina, per the Darkling's request.

That was a punch in the gut. It hurt more than him avoiding conversation with you or even his deterrence of touching you. He had bestowed his colors to her when not even three months ago he didn't know she existed. It had taken you a long time to gain his trust and don his signature black yet all she had to do was waltz in and show up. And it hurt.

And now here you were, training the next generation of heartrenderers, as you did almost every day. You had given your life to the Little Palace and its Grisha and this is how you were being repaid. Not even Ivan, who you had shaped into an excellent soldier, had looked your way lately.

'Excuse me Ms. Y/L/N I have an urgent request from the General' You whipped your head around to the young Grisha boy with an obviously hurt look on your face which he couldn't understand.

'Of course' you choked out and took the piece of paper from his hands and watched him in sorrow as he left.

Ms.Y/L/N? what happened to moya sovereignny? You were never one to uphold the formality, but this was just another blow to your confidence. You were no longer referred to as his other half which only meant your position in the palace was quickly dwindling.

You opened the wax-sealed envelope and took out the thick sheet of paper. There was a time when he himself would deliver the news to you himself and use it as an excuse to spend extra time with you.

'I cannot make it to the meeting with the King this evening, attend and report back to me anything relevant, no horse business'

You scoffed loudly, drawing attention from the young Corporalki around you and leaned on the table in front of you. Not even a please or thank you. With the note clutched in your hand and tears of frustration in your eyes, you stormed out of the Corporalki room and towards his war room.

You peeked through the open door and seen him. He didn't look at all busy as he chatted with Zoya, Ivan, Fedyor, and some other Squaller you didn't recognize. Zoya threw her head back in laughter at something Fedyor said but Aleksander kept his stony expression. You threw the door open dramatically and everyone froze.

'Leave us' you cautioned as Aleksander's onyx eyes looked right into your own.

Nobody moved but Zoya was the first to speak ' Y/N, we're actually in a meeting if you couldn't tell' while everyone nodded along, except him.

You never had anything against anyone in that room, but in that moment you couldn't help yourself and used your small science to bring everyone to their knees in front of you, except him.

'Leave us' His voice rang out in the midst of their sharp breaths and chest-clutching. They scrambled to their feet and left one by one, Fedyor quietly muttering 'moya sovereignny' as he passed you which filled you with some courage. The door shut and the sound echoed over the walls.

You threw the note across the room and let it hit his arm. 'Did you forget your manners General? Or does it only apply to the people you claim to love?'

'Funny you should say that Y/N, you haven't attended any meetings in weeks without providing a reason. You're making me look like a fool'

'I'M MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL?!' Your tears were now streaming down your face, falling quicker than you could wipe them away.

He stayed silent and that broke your heart even more, he could've said something, anything.

'Aleksander, I'm trying to keep myself together for everyone, I'm trying so very hard to appear normal and happy but I don't think I can do this any longer. The whispers and the rumors, watching you and her-' You slid down the door and sat on the floor, head resting on your knees. '-It's getting to me.... and it's killing me.'

You thanked the Saints you didn't see his face, for the silence spoke for itself. He didn't deny anything or reach out to comfort you. I've lost him.

'All I wanted was a happy ending.' You laughed a sad laugh that pulled at his heartstrings. With your eyes still facing away from him, you didn't see his hand go up to wipe the lone tear that fell down his face or the slight shake in his hands as he did so. He had no words that would comfort you. He knew what he'd done. He'd been avoiding you ever since he realized it. He didn't want to see you cry or see how his actions affected you.

Telling you that it means nothing to him was of no use. You had it in your mind now, forever engrained around his name, the rumors wouldn't stop and Alina was still around. He truly felt nothing of importance for her. All she meant for him was a key to a better future with you.

He approached you slowly, getting down on his knees next to you. He took your hand in his and held it up to his lips. He never prayed, but right now he silently muttered words to all the Saints. Don't let her leave.

'I'm so sorry Darling. Y/N I love you so much.'

'But you love her more' You yanked your hands away.

'NO. no. Y/N. I swear it. You are everything to me' He had grown serious now, he wanted you to look at him. He missed you.

'Then explain why you're parading her around like a Queen, letting her wear your colors, probably sleeping in her bed'

'I have never toucher her in that way. I'm yours Y/N.' Please look at me.

You lifted your head and looked at his beautiful face. He too looked tired, exhausted. His eyes were red and puffy. Saints, I've never seen him cry.

'You will have a happy ending. I promise Darling' He took your face into his hands and connected your foreheads together. 'I promise. I'm doing everything I can to make sure you will, and even if I can't, I swear you will you and our children-'

Children. Aleksander never spoke of them to the point where you had settled with the idea you'll never have them. Something about the desperation in his voice made you believe him, Aleksander was strong, he never gave up but he also never sacrificed himself for anybody. Up until now, you didn't think yourself worthy enough to be saved in exchange for him.

'-I would give up everything to see you and them safe, away from harm's way. Right now, the world doesn't deserve them, but once I do what I have to do, I'll give you children. However many you want, Just stay. Please'

You were borderline hysterical as you melted into his embrace. Weeks of frustration and hurt disappeared into thin air. Aleksander held you so tight you were having trouble breathing but you didn't care. He held you all day and all night. All meetings and tasks forgotten.

He explained everything in detail, from the stag and firebird to what happens if things don't go to plan. He kept nothing from you, not even the stress and pressure he felt. You comforted him as he always does to you. You fell asleep together and dreamed of a life with a happy ending, one where you never had to doubt his motives, you dreamed of your future.

Taglist (if you want to be added, plz tell me!)

@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @lostysworld

@0-artemis

#shadow and bone #grisha #imagine #the darkling #the darkling x reader #alexander #alexander morozova #alina starkov #fanfic #ben barnes #general kirigan x reader #black general

552 notes · View notes

yellow-side-things · 3 years ago

Text

Book Quotes from ‘Call Me By Your Name’

“You could never stare long enough but needed to keep staring to find out why you couldn’t.”

“Just ask if I want to and see the answer you’ll get, just don’t let me say no.”

“[…] youth has no shame, shame comes with age.”

“All I had to do was find the source of happiness in me and not rely on others to supply it the next time.”

“[…] both of them begging me to play more tennis, go dancing more often, get to know people, find out for myself why others are so necessary in life and not just foreign bodies to be sidled up to. Do crazy things if you must, […]”

“All I had to do was list the works I’d read here and he’d know all the places I’ve travelled to.”

“Everyone goes through a period of traviamento － when we take, say, a different turn in life, the other via. Dante himself did. Some recover, some pretend to recover, some never come back, some chicken out before even starting, and some, for fear of taking any turns, find themselves leading the wrong life all life long.”

“Perhaps we were friends first and lovers second. But then perhaps this is what lovers are.”

“Smile, and the world smiles back.”

“There was more to learn in this tiny crammed bookstore than in any of the mighty institutions across the Atlantic.”

“I wish I had one friend I wasn’t destined to lose.”

“Think of the pain before the pain.”

“Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is not better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything － what a waste!”

“How you live your life us your business. But remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only one. Most of us can’t help but live as though we’ve got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished version, and then there are all those versions in between. But there’s only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. I don’t envy the pain. But I envy you the pain.”

“Time makes us sentimental. Perhaps, in the end, it is because of time that we suffer.”

“I stopped for a second. If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you’re just ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there’s not a thing left to say in this life, then, just once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name.”

#books #bookworm #nature #call me by your name #andré aciman #timothee chalamet #armie and timothée #armie hammer #poetic #romantic #movies #love #literature

104 notes · View notes

spectre-fivee · 4 years ago

Text

Over the Moon: Obi Wan Kenobi x Reader

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 8081 (wtf this is so close to Anakin’s secret password or whatever, also WOW this is easily the longest piece I’ve ever written)

Warnings: HEAVY smut, both male and female receiving oral, unprotected sex, lots and lots of dirty talk, heavy use of the word ‘master’, dom/sub play, slight brat taming, praise and humiliation kink, edging, slight force play & restraint

A/N: Hey yalllll I’m back with another smut LMAO this is a prequel to let me take care of you, my first obi-wan smut :DD this is LONG asf and includes a small backstory but I promise the majority of it includes smut scenes lol. I hope you guys enjoy and I love your feedback!! much love <3

******************

You were over the moon when you found out that you would be accompanied by General Obi Wan Kenobi on your next business trip.

Literally. Quite literally, you were over the moon. You had just coincidentally flown over Centax-3 and were now in pursuit to Coruscant's surface in preparation for your oncoming journey, and you were so beyond excited that you found it hard to contain yourself around your personal guards. Just as you entered the planet’s atmosphere, you decided you had enough of the automated briefing and muted the transmitter on your arm. You were too focused on the fact that you were going to be alone with General Kenobi for an entire day.

Well, night really. You had managed to catch that part of the briefing.

You could watch it later. As you packed, perhaps. It was fine.

Feeling like a little girl as you basically pranced back to your quarters, you lugged a small bag out of your closet and began to fill it with necessities.

Being a senator for so many years had forced you into countless situations with General Kenobi, but never such as this one. When you met the Jedi Knight in the beginning of your career, the two of you clicked almost instantly. Over time, your admiration of the man blossomed into something...different.

Oftentimes the general would escort you from the Senate Chamber itself all the way to your office on the third floor. He had always been so well spoken and full to the brim with witty charm, enough to make you feel like a total schoolgirl when you locked yourself in your office, squealing and jumping up and down after your encounters with him. Sometimes, you would accompany Obi Wan on walks both inside and outside the building. One time, he was kind enough to show you the gardens outside the Jedi temple on Coruscant. Other times, you were simply by his side in the senate halls, holding your stomach as you just about died of laughter. It was all you could do to keep yourself from absolutely melting when he looked at you with those glittering blue eyes, his lips curved up into a smirk.

Butterflies swarmed in a vicious frenzy as you packed your bag, your cheeks so hot you thought you might explode just at the thought of General Kenobi. You looked up when you heard a soft knock at your door. “Come in,” You had said before a guard stepped inside and informed you that you were leaving earlier than the time scheduled. You nodded and rose to your feet swiftly with a polite smile.

“That’s alright, I’m already prepared.”

***************

The only thing you had forgotten was to finish watching the automated briefing.

Which, arguably, should have been at the top of your list. But somehow it had just slipped from your mind. Now, you were positioned in between General Kenobi and his commander, CC-2224, but you knew him as Cody. The two men remained quiet and Obi Wan tapped through the data pad in his hand. When you glanced at Cody, you couldn’t tell what exactly he was looking at or if he even had his eyes open under his helmet, he was so quiet. Either way, you cast him a polite smile when you glanced his way.

You felt kind of awful, really. This was, on your part, a mission regarding humanitarian aid, and you were the Galactic Republic’s representative in this instance. You didn’t know anything about this planet you were traveling to, only its name - Lelroth. You didn’t know the people’s conditions nor how much territory the Separatists occupied, that is, unless the citizens had decided to stand their ground.

A clone trooper’s voice came over the intercom of the transporter. “We’ll be arriving shortly.”

You tried to peek at Obi Wan’s data pad in hopes of receiving any information. “Have you ever been to Lelroth?” You asked.

He glanced up at you. “No. Frankly, I have no idea what to expect.”

“Well, that makes two of us.” You muttered quietly. His eyebrows quirked up as he stared at you.

“What?” You asked.

“You...received the briefing, correct?” He asked, and immediately your palms began to sweat.

“Of course I received the briefing.” You responded a little too defensively. He gave you a small grin before looking back down at the tablet in his hands.

You glanced over at Cody nervously as if expecting a response. You felt stupid after your eyes fell onto his yellow helmet, hearing Obi Wan step away and enter the pilot’s cabin.

“You didn’t watch the briefing, did you?” Cody asked, his voice hushed and amused.

“No.” You said. “No, I did not.”

You heard his chuckle through the moderator in his helmet as heat rose to your cheeks. You couldn’t help but smile and punch him playfully, giggling slightly. He leaned closer and began to fill you in quietly, and all jokes fell aside when you learned of the planet’s condition.

Few months prior, Lelroth had fallen under separatist control after the population had been forced under Count Dooku’s submission. The Republic Senate had been receiving reports of just about anything you could think of to describe a humanitarian crisis. You stumbled into Cody a bit as the ship landed.

“We’re here.” The pilot announced as the hatch lowered with a loud, steaming noise.

You squinted as bright sunlight poured into the cabin, raising a hand up to block the sun as Obi Wan stepped out. Lelroth’s atmosphere was thick and humid as you followed him, listening to the dirt crumble beneath your feet as you stepped out. You gazed around the enclosing woods with a small smile, the saturation taking you by surprise after being stuck on Coruscant’s smoggy surface for so long. Though it was muggy, the air felt clean and fresh as you took in a deep breath. You swore you could almost taste the moisture on your tongue.

“Preferably tomorrow morning, yes. I’ll be contacting the council tonight and…” The general’s voice came in and out of earshot as you glanced over at the assault carrier you arrived on. You watched as the clones nodded swiftly at the Jedi’s words, saluting him one last time before the hatch closed and the ship descended through the trees. It was gone almost as quickly as it had arrived.

Obi Wan sighed and pulled the data pad back out of the abyss of his dark cloak before tapping at the screen again. “Let’s make this quick, shall we?” He murmured.

You laughed slightly. “Is my presence such a bother?” The tablet still held his attention as he flashed you a grin.

“Oh, yes. That’s definitely the reason.” He joked.

A sickening feeling started to grab at your stomach after hearing Cody describe the condition on Lelroth. You were unnerved, and regardless of the fact that you had a Jedi Knight as your company, you two were members of the Galactic Republic isolated on separatist territory.

“We should get going.” You murmured. “They’ll be expecting us soon.” you watched Obi Wan pull his large hood over his head as he murmured something under his breath, stepping forward and heading deep into the thick forest with you on his tail.

****************

The Lelrothians were a kind people. Their reaction to your arrival with the general was rather pleasant - they went so far as to throw a feast in you and the general’s honor. After meeting with the chief of the village you would reside in, you finally got a real understanding of the Lelrothians’ situation. You and Kenobi shared a grimaced glance as the chief went on to describe the state of his village alone.

He explained how a large percentage of the newfound members in his village were forced to flee the capital city after falling under a dark hand. You assumed the state of the capital was even worse than this small village as he reported substantial amounts of depleted resources. Running water had been cut off to many families and citizens could no longer supply food on their tables. The chief even mentioned the punishments some experienced for resisting - you weren’t surprised in the nearest after hearing tales of the wicked actions of General Grievous and his clanker army, but still...it was hard to hear.

“We were neutral ground,” You gazed over the chief’s descending head tails as he spoke. Dinek Kev was a twi’lek himself, his account thick and common amongst most of his species. When you glanced around the table, there had to be over fifteen different species in just the room alone. Sullustans, Ithorians, even a few Gungans and a Wookiee occupied a seat at the table. You smiled to yourself and returned your attention to the orange skin of Chief Dinek as he spoke.

“A peaceful people. Nearly everyone in this room is an immigrant or comes from one, somebody who was seeking peace. Other pacifist planets such as Mandalore seem to have been fine as they’ve remained neutral.”

“Believe me, Chief - Mandalore has been experiencing a great deal of their own internal conflict.” General Kenobi spoke.

“Forgive me, Jedi.” Dinek murmured quickly. “I’m just...desperate. I would have never taken the role of chief if it weren’t for Grievous and his army - I only want to protect my family and my home.”

You reached out and took Dinek’s hand, staring into his eyes sympathetically. “I’ll open it up for discussion in the senate as soon as I return to Coruscant. I promise you, Chief Dinek, we’re going to provide Lelroth with humanitarian aid and drive the separatists out of here.”

“I’ll speak with the council tonight.” The hood of Obi Wan’s cloak hung lazily around his neck as he murmured, stroking his beard in his typical fashion. His delicate blue eyes were glued onto his empty plate. Dinek squeezed your hand and began to thank the two of you profusely. You bit your lip, hesitant to discuss the requirements in order for any agreement to come through within the senate.

“Chief Dinek,” You started. “The villagers are going to have to learn to defend themselves.”

All you got from him in response was a simple blink, a common reaction among those the Jedi come to aid. Most planets that fall under separatist control hold peaceful populations, those who don’t believe in waging war and therefore seeing no need for a military. You desperately wished it didn’t have to be this way. It was heartbreaking seeing simple, innocent lives dragged into the Clone Wars, and one day, you hoped that the galaxy would evolve into one where war could be completely evaded.

“Defend ourselves? You mean train us to fight?” Dinek asked.

“Yes.” You replied.

“That is why we’re here.” Obi Wan explained. The chief finally slid his hand from yours and seemed to recoil at the words spoken. “The Jedi can only aid so much, Chief. The Lelrothians need to learn to defend themselves in order to be sure of complete safety from the separatists.”

After a moment of watching the chief calculate in silence, he looked up at you two with an entirely different expression on his face. He glanced around the dim room and gazed over his people with a small smile curved upon his lips. His eyes darted to yours before Obi Wan’s as he spoke.

“You’re right. The Lelrothians are never going to evade this if we don’t take matters into our own hands.” You smiled at Dinek’s words.

“Good.” Obi Wan stroked his beard again.

“I’ll leave for Coruscant at dawn and begin discussion in the senate.” You announced.

“Yes, and that is when training will begin. Tonight I will get an idea of when reinforcements will arrive on Lelroth. We’ll have a very short timespan to train, I suspect.” The general uttered.

“General Kenobi and I will stay in contact and you’ll be the first to know the senate’s decision.” You concluded. Dinek took your hand again and smiled/

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” As he spoke, music began to sound from the instruments held by those up on a small, makeshift stage. The villagers began to cheer and rose to their feet, clapping along to the tune that billowed out from various horns. You grinned as the chief stood and joined his people, taking a woman’s hand delicately and spinning her in delight.

You looked over at Obi Wan with a smile. He looked up at you and met your gaze with the rise of an eyebrow. “What?” He asked.

“Wanna dance?” You giggled. He merely scoffed.

“That would seem a bit unprofessional.” You rolled your eyes with a smile.

“Oh, lighten up, General. They threw an entire feast in our honor, surely we can dance with them.”

He smiled at you sarcastically. “I’ll pass.”

“C’mon. You know you want to.” You pressed, nudging him playfully.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He answered simply.

“Just relax. It’s not like you’ll get kicked out of the order or whatever. It’s just dancing!” He glanced up at you in his seat as you stood, grinning down at him.

“You can be very nagging, did you know that?” He asked. You offered your hand, the same stupid grin plastered onto your lips. He scoffed again and reluctantly took it, rising to his feet slowly.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He muttered with a grin as you pulled him over to the crowd and were instantly submerged by cheers, laughter, and celebration, having the time of your life with Obi Wan at your side.

**********************

The celebration soon came to an end and after a brief escort from Chief Dinek and a few of his men, you and General Kenobi arrived at the motel you would come to stay at briefly. The neon lights of the vacancy sign cast a bleached hot pink color onto the gravel beneath your feet. It crunched and crumbled as you stepped, tuning out of Obi Wan and Dinek’s conversation as you were led into the cramped lobby.

The wallpaper was faded and chipping in the room surrounding the front desk. A small Sullustan woman sat in an organically shaped velvet chair with a book open in front of her. Dinek stepped forward and quickly informed her that you and Kenobi were the reinforcements sent from Coruscant. You listened as she told the chief that there was only one room available, in which you and Obi Wan shrugged off. She thanked the two of you, passed over the room key and sent you on your way. As you trudged up the wooden stairs that led to the second floor, you heard Obi Wan sigh.

“Tired from all that dancing, General?” You chuckled. “You sure know how to get down.”

“Yes, but you on the other hand…” He trailed off, and when you looked back at him with a dramatic expression on your face, he chuckled.

You smiled and swiped the key card through the slot outside the door. “Whatever.”

The two of you didn’t think much of the fact that there was only one room available. It didn’t matter to either of you, because all motel rooms generally contain two separate beds, right?

Wrong. Apparently, all hotel rooms except this one contained two separate beds. Your jaw wanted to hang open at the sight of it, really. Obi Wan froze in his tracks when he entered the compact room.

“Not even a sofa?” you commented. The door still hung open behind you when Obi Wan turned and met your gaze almost frantically.

“There has to be a mistake.” He said.

“She said this was the only room available. Dinek said this was the only lodge in the village.” You mumbled, finally shutting the door.

“Right, well.” The general uttered and stroked his beard once again, beginning to pace as he did so. “I guess I’ll sleep on the floor.”

You rolled your eyes. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous. I’ll sleep on the floor, you have to train in the morning.” You watched as he traveled over to the chairs seated at a tiny round table in front of the window. They were a brilliant orange in contrast to the faded, once flamboyant green walls.

“No. The chair will do.” He said as he sunk into the cushion. “See?” He planted his feet onto the stem of the table, pushing it back so it allowed him to stretch his ankles over the surface. You only stared at him with your eyebrows raised.

“It beats the floor.” Obi Wan shrugged. You shook your head, smiling as you sat on the edge of the bed. You were facing forward, looking at the painting that hung on the wall before you. The sheets on the mattress were an ugly plaid that was laced with oranges, reds, greens and browns. It was very dated, but at the same time it almost felt...homey.

“We’re adults, aren’t we?” You chuckled. “This is only a business trip, General. Stars, if we have to we can just build a pillow wall between the two of us.”

When you didn’t get an immediate response, you glanced over at him only to see the amused expression on his face. But it was the kind of amused look that nearly belittles you and makes you feel completely and utterly ridiculous.

“Yes, and a business trip it will remain.” He uttered. “I do hope you’re joking.”

Your cheeks grew hot in flustered embarrassment. “Uh - I mean, yeah. Totally kidding.” You darted your eyes to your feet and began to swing them back and forth childishly. You heard chuckling from the general’s end but didn’t dare look over at him. You didn’t need to, you already knew he was sitting back and staring at the data pad again.

Moments passed and you had nothing else better to do than sift through the dusty magazines that sat below the bedside table. The lamp atop the metal surface cast a warm, dim yellow light through the room. It made you feel almost cozy as you flipped through the old pages, reading the articles and gazing at some of the most beautiful alien models you had ever laid eyes on. “Wish they had a holonet in here.” You muttered, bored and wishing for some kind of noise instead of this awkward silence that hung in the air.

Time continued to drag on and it grew late enough for you to decide to head into the bathroom to change your clothes. You turned the handle and listened as the faucet began to run while staring at yourself in the mirror. The general seemed grumpy after your comment, and you weren’t sure why. It was easily played off as a joke, you thought...besides, you only wanted to save him from a little back pain and stiffness in the morning.

You were only trying to be polite. And, well...you were secretly hoping for a little more than that.

As you splashed warm water onto your face, you heard Obi Wan’s voice from the other side of the door and watched as his figure cast shadows across the tile you stood on. The automated voice of Master Yoda and Master Mace Windu echoed around the small room as the general began to discuss with the council.

When you stepped out of the bathroom and crawled under the covers, you tried your best not to eavesdrop on his conversation. You stared at the magazine in your lap blankly.

All he was doing was pacing, it was rather distracting. You wished this place had a radio or something, or that it was safe enough to take a short walk. The meeting between Obi Wan and the other Jedi Masters seemed to last eons as you found your eyelids growing heavy. You stared at the cover of the magazine, it showcased a twi’lek woman posing in front of a ship. You yawned, cast it aside and allowed sleep to take over completely.

******************

When you woke up, it was still dark outside. The lamp beside your bed had been shut off by Obi Wan, but the one hanging above the chair he sat in remained lit as he set down the data pad with a sigh. You weren’t sure what had woken you up, and as you gazed at the general while you laid on your side, you didn’t really care.

You could tell he was weary as he blinked slowly and ran his fingers through his hair. Glancing away, you felt slightly creepy as you stared at him for so long. But, I mean, could you really blame yourself?

After moments of silence, Obi Wan was the one to break it. “My apologies. I didn’t realize that the meeting would take so long.” His voice was deep and a bit croaky as it came out.

“It’s okay.” Was all you said as he reached for the light above him.

“Get some sleep,” he murmured.

“Are you sure you don’t want to share the bed?” You made sure it was apparent that you were joking as you smiled and chuckled, gazing at him as you did so. He paused for a moment, staring at you before his lips curved up into a grin.

“I see that pillow wall is still up for discussion?” He teased, and you laughed again.

“C’mon, it won’t bite. Besides, I’m only trying to save you from a little back pain.”

“Senator, are you implying that I’m old?” He chuckled.

“No, but I do understand that the dancing was already a step over the line for you.” You giggled, smirking. “Hurry up with that decision making please, I’m tired.”

Obi Wan laughed slightly before reaching up and turning off the light. To your disappointment, he didn’t stand up from his chair. You sighed softly and shut your eyes, letting go of the situation as you focused on falling asleep again.

Just as your mind began to wander, you felt a weight sink into the mattress beside you. Your eyes flew open as Obi Wan climbed into bed next to you, only to stare at the complete darkness that surrounded.

You grinned. “Did you change your mind?”

He sighed as he settled in. You could feel him, mere inches away from you as he relaxed. “Don’t make me regret it, Senator.”

You chuckled as darker thoughts began to consume you, reminding yourself that this was a business trip - strictly business. You wondered if Obi Wan thought the same, but you shot that down with another reality check as well.

You wanted to say something, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. You were worried that Obi Wan was actually trying to sleep, and you didn’t want to disturb him, or worse - make things even more awkward like earlier. Now, more than ever, you knew you were never going to fall asleep with Obi Wan Kenobi lying next to you.

“Are you alright?”

“Hm?”

“I can practically feel how restless you are at the moment.” He murmured.

“Am I moving too much or is it your spooky voodoo magic?” You asked. He began to chuckle softly.

“Do you mean the Force?”

“Yeah, that.”

“It doesn’t take a Jedi to feel you staring at me.” The grin in his voice made you feel even more embarrassed as you rolled over onto your opposite side, your eyes squeezed shut.

Obi Wan hesitated for a moment before murmuring, “I never said stop, darling. I don’t mind.” His words ignited a spark that released trillions of butterflies swarming in your stomach, and you couldn’t stop the gigantic smile that was forming on your lips.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” As you responded, you felt the general’s weight shift behind you.

His voice came from above you now. “Oh, you didn’t hear me clearly?” You felt his hot breath against your ear as he spoke his next sentence. “I said, I don’t mind your staring. I just wish you would stare at me when I could see you doing it.” His mumbling spiraled into your ear and descended down your body, pausing right in between your legs. You crossed them tight in instinct, nearly gasping.

“I thought you said this trip was strictly business, General.” You breathed.

“Like you said, I already crossed the line when you forced me to dance.” He joked. “Besides, I think we’ve both waited long enough for this moment.” His voice was hushed and gravelly and Stars, sexy as it rumbled into your ear. You turned until you felt his lips were hovering over yours in the darkness, the mattress creaking as you did so.

“You didn’t seem to think that way earlier.” You mumbled, a fat smirk on your face as you teased him. He sunk himself closer to you and you swore you felt his lips brush against yours for a second.

“Nobody needs to know,” He whispered. A moment of silence passed before he dove his lips into yours, drawing out a small sound of surprise from you. You felt his forearm come down beside your head and he let out the tiniest of groans. You knew this was coming judging by your previous dialogue, but you were still in shock. For a moment, you seemed to be dead weight as Obi Wan crawled on top of you. The only thing that moved was your lips against his until realization finally kicked in.

It started with your hands, which rose up swiftly to grab the sides of his face. His beard felt scratchy beneath your fingers in the best way as you hooked your legs around his waist. You had always wanted to touch him like this, to feel and move with him as your mouths were connected and one was on top of the other. It was something you could only fantasize about for the longest time until you had to tell yourself it was never going to happen. But now, it was happening.

His lips were as soft and welcoming as the pillows beneath your head as he kissed you. It was deep and passionate and almost aggressive, and that alone confirmed to you that Kenobi wanted you just as much as you wanted him.

Following your hands came your tongue as you pressed it between his lips gently, silently asking for entrance into the warm cave of his mouth. He granted permission and you felt his hand entangle in your hair when your tongues met. You sat up slightly, pushing yourself into him further as you dragged your teeth across the pink valley of his bottom lip. The grip nestled in your hair tightened in reaction and you giggled softly into him.

He tasted of fresh mint, and you found yourself wondering if he had brushed his teeth mere moments before this. He was dominating and absolutely thrilling as he rolled over, allowing you to straddle his waist and dip your chin down to his neck to leave a series of pecks down his flesh.

“Someone’s eager,” he commented, and in response you bit down slightly into his skin. He made a small startled noise in response before chuckling, abruptly flipping you onto your back. He left you breathless as his lips collided into yours again, and he groaned when you arched into him. His hands were absolutely everywhere. They ran from your jaw to your neck and then down to your forearms, back up to your shoulders and down to your breasts, down to your waist to grab at your hips...seemingly all at once.

He squeezed his fingers into the meat of your thighs and you groaned, raking your own through his hair. You felt like his touch was all you needed as your tongue slid against his.

Darkness still engulfed the two of you. Obi Wan’s skin was on fire when he caressed you, the heat between your legs was set ablaze as he dipped his chin down, his lips traveling down your neck slowly. You wanted to see him, his face when he looked down at you, his blue eyes clouded with lust. You wanted to look into his eyes and absolutely moan his name, you wanted to -

Obi Wan’s lips left your skin just above the hem of your shirt. He paused for a moment, holding himself before you and panting. “What is it?” You asked.

“Take off your clothes.” He commanded. You felt him lean to the side and squinted when the lamp was switched on. You didn’t respond as your eyes adjusted to the light, you only peered at him rather dumbly. You watched when he dragged his tongue across his lower lip. His eyelids looked heavy when he stared down at you.

“Did I stutter?” He asked. Your heart picked up pace and you grinned when you grabbed the neckline of his robes and yanked him forward.

“Why don’t you take it off for me?” You mumbled, blinking innocently. You felt your wrists fly above your head, elbows bent slightly as they tied together under an invisible grasp. You were confused for a moment as the general began to run his hands underneath your shirt, caressing your sides and traveling over your breasts briefly. It took a moment before it finally dawned on you that he was using the Force as your restraint.

He slid the fabric up ever so slowly and stared at your stomach when it was slowly revealed. He continued, his big warm hands sliding up your skin and pausing just as your breasts were revealed. He murmured something inaudible before tightening his grip around your waist and pulling you down on the mattress so his lips were level with your nipples. You moaned quietly, biting your lip as he began to kiss them. Your cunt was throbbing at this point and the muscles in your arms grew tired from being in such an unfamiliar position. You shut your eyes, but all at once the sensation on your breasts was removed as Obi Wan straightened his posture and finished ripping off your shirt. It came over your head quickly and was tossed to the side as if it were nothing.

“Can I have my hands back?” You giggled, breathless as he gazed at you.

He left soft, sweet kisses on the inside of your arms, his eyes twinkling as he had you paralyzed by the Force. “Not yet.” He said, and you didn’t have time to read the expression on your face before his lips were on your breasts again. You pushed your hips up against his chest as he continued, whining as he bit down gently onto your nipples. His lips descended down the center of your stomach, leaving slow, wet kisses on your skin before pausing just above the waistline of your pants. His blue eyes finally blinked up at you, and he was smirking.

Your cunt was throbbing so damn hard you wondered if he could feel it at this point. “Please,” You breathed. “I want to touch you.”

“Not yet,” Obi Wan repeated before curling his fingertips around the hem of the fabric and dragging it down your thighs.

“This...isn’t fair.” You grunted as you tried to pull your wrists from their restraint. It was no use, it felt like your arms were paralyzed in this position. Your pajama pants were now being thrown to the side just as your shirt was, and the general was leaving small pecks up the length of your legs whilst holding strong eye contact.

“Please, general - “ your cunt felt like it was on fire when he lifted his chin to look at you.

“Did you...seriously just call me ‘general’ in this setting?” He paused, chuckling.

“Well, I - “ you were flustered and frustrated at this point. “I don’t know, what should I call you?!” You had snapped. He only grinned with a shrug before he continued, pulling at your skin with his teeth.

He dug his fingers into your sides, and in between slow kisses, he said, “Doesn’t matter...whatever feels...most...comfortable.”

You thought about it for a moment. Yeah, you supposed referring to him as General Kenobi was a bit strange as he was actively stripping you of your clothing. But it still didn’t feel right calling him Obi Wan, either. You weren’t sure why.

Your wrists were finally released as his lips reached the corner of your inner thigh just below your flaming heat. Your panties still hugged your hips when Kenobi glanced up at you, seeming like he had forgotten to hold your arms in place.

Without giving him any chance of reaction, you slid out from under him and pounced on him like a fucking animal. You giggled and he shared your smile as you sat on him and began to rid him of his robes.

Once they were off and you finally got to shower every possible centimeter of his skin with kisses, but he was quick to flip you back over so you were trapped beneath him again. You struggled to get atop of him with a grunt, but it was useless. He was already pinning your wrists to the sheets again and barricading you with his own weight.

“Behave.” Again, his voice rumbled right into your ear, hot and thick as he nipped at your earlobe. In response you arched your back into him and whined, digging your fingernails into his back.

“Let me touch you - “ you grunted. “I want to...to make you feel good. I can make you feel so good, Master.” You moaned, letting the words fall from your mouth without even a second thought. In an instant, his fingers were around your chin and you were being forced to look into his pretty eyes.

“What did you call me?” He asked.

You giggled. “You heard me.”

A minute went by before he moved his hand from your chin downwards, slowly tightening around your neck. “Say it again.” You smiled and tilted your head back, shutting your eyes and moaning the word again.

“Master.”

He let out a sound similar to a growl before he rolled over, positioning yourself on top of his lap. You could feel his large erection beneath you, and it was in the perfect spot as you rolled your hips forward and crouched down, allowing your lips to meet his.

He kissed you aggressively, placed one hand on the back of your head and forced you into him while the other snaked underneath the fabric of your panties, finding your clit almost instantly. You whimpered against his lips and continued to grind against his cock before using your own hands to remove yourself from the barricading fabric.

You were so desperate to feel him inside of you. He grabbed your chin again and forced your lips to part, staring at you with dark eyes and a wicked grin as he pressed the pad of his thumb to your lower lip. “So desperate for it, aren’t you?” He mumbled.

You huffed and tossed your underwear to the side before pressing your lips against his ear and murmuring, “Can you feel how wet I am for you, Master?”

He grunted and moved his hands to your hips, forcing them down onto his cock. You rocked them forward, letting the tip slide over your clit and through your slick folds with a moan. Fuck, this felt good. You lapped at his earlobe and giggled before continuing. “Just imagine how good it’ll feel when you put it in, so warm and wet and tight - “

“You’ll want to shut that pretty little mouth before I put it to work.” He growled, and a wild grin spread over your face before you positioned him below your entrance.

You took him in slowly with a long moan and straightened you back, your breasts high and prominent for him to see. “Fuck,” you moaned. Your eyebrows furrowed as he filled you up.

Obi Wan grunted. “Stars, can’t you go any quicker?” He was frustrated as you giggled again.

“I think this feels fucking good.” You moaned again. “Your cock is so - “ you were cut off by his hand on your throat, forcing him down to his own face. He didn’t say anything, just silently forced your lips against his. It made you lose control of your pace, plunging down onto his entire length at once, drawing moans from both of you as you kissed.

“That’s better.” He mumbled against you. “Now do it again.”

You brought your hips up once more and slithered your tongue into his mouth, allowing them to fall back down, your cunt swallowing him whole in one stroke. Just as you started to kiss his neck again, you were flipped onto your back for what felt like the thousandth time.

“Would you just let me - “ The familiar grip on your chin cut you off, and your eyes were forced into his. With his other hand, he brought your knees to your chest and positioned himself at your entrance. He absolutely rammed himself inside of you without any issues, and your eyes widened when you gasped.

“I thought...I told you...to behave.” Obi Wan grunted in between his thrusts. Your fingers found their grip in the sheets beside you. Your back arched and you moaned while he pumped himself in and out of your wet cunt.

“If this is what I get for misbehaving…” you panted, tears pricking at your eyes from them being shut so tight. “...then I guess I’ll have to do it more often.”

General Kenobi let out a low groan as he continued thrusting into you, remaining his quick, hard rhythm. Your eyes met his as the two of you moaned, and his hand found its way back into the roots of your hair as he muttered, “Say it.”

“Master,” you mewled as he tugged on your hair, his cock hitting the perfect spot as he thrusted into you. “Master, your cock feels so good - “ his thumb was on your lip again when he interrupted you.

“Such filthy words coming from this pretty little face,” he murmured. “You like being dirty, don’t you? You enjoy being choked when you misbehave, hmm?”

You didn’t respond, your eyebrows only curved up when you moaned. His hips rolled forward and his cock was still sliding in and out of your folds. “Answer me,” he demanded.

“Yes,” you breathed. “Yes, Master.” Your hand released its grip on the sheets and traveled down in between your legs to gently play with your clit, but Obi Wan stopped you, removing your wrist sharply.

“If you want it, beg for it.” He said slowly.

“Fuck,” you gasped. “Please play with it - Master, please just touch my clit and…” you trailed off with whine as you felt his thumb slowly circling around it, agonizingly slow and so, so hot. You whimpered and rolled your head back into the pillow, tangling your hair against the cotton.

“Does that feel good, darling? Tell me how it feels.”

“Yes, fuck, it feels so good,” You panted, your eyes squeezing shut again. “It feels so fucking good, I might...I might cum,” you continued in between whimpers and moans. “Master - please let me cum.”

“Good girl.” He rasped before removing his thumb completely. You let out a sob as he pulled his length out from you, watching as he began to stroke himself when he lowered his head between your legs. “Such a good girl, asking for my permission.” He murmured before sliding his tongue up your heat ever so slowly, stopping at your clit to circle around it.

You whined, bucking your hips against him, grinding on his face as you babbled. “Fuck...this feels so good, your tongue, shit, I want your cock again - “

“You’ll have to wait for it,” he mumbled against you. Whining, you sat up and propped yourself on your elbows as you panted. You were a mess, and you continued to plead with him until he had enough of it and grabbed you by your shoulders. He forced you onto the floor, sitting on your knees as he sat on the mattress in front of you.

“If you won’t shut your mouth, I’ll just have to do it for you.” He muttered before pushing your head down onto his large cock. You let out a satisfied moan and made sure he was staring at you, remaining eye contact. You lifted a hand to stroke the base as your tongue swirled slowly around the tip, bobbing your head back and forth steadily.

Obi Wan moaned and shut his eyes. “Stars.” He murmured.

You released the tip with an audible pop, allowing a string of drool to fall from the edge of your lower lip. “It feels good, doesn’t it Master?” You planted your tongue to the base of his shaft and slooooowly dragged it up prior to rolling it over the tip and taking him into your mouth again. His breath hitched in his throat.

“You’re so filthy, do you know that? You’re so...good at this, you must have...had - practice...Stars, pretty girl...how are you so good at this?” He mumbled, grunting and moaning between the words that spilled from his mouth.

Again, his shaft left your mouth and you spit on your palm before using it to stroke him up and down. You blinked at him all innocent and doe-like. “I like it when you talk to me like that. Will you cum on my face, Master?”

Obi Wan blinked and grunted, thrusting his hips up into your palm. “You’re obscene.”

“But you like it, don’t you?” You planted a kiss on his tip before gliding your hands along his thighs and rising to your feet. You leaned forward and lifted his chin using your index and middle finger, smiling. “You like seeing me like this. You like making me your dirty little slut, don’t you, Master?” You blinked again and smiled sweetly before swinging your leg around his lap, straddling him.

He was absolutely mesmerized. “Don’t give me that look.”

You did it again, smiled softly. “Or what?” You challenged.

Just as your cunt was about to swallow his length again, you were thrown onto your back strongly and the general’s hand was once again tightened around your neck. His lips were on your ear and his fingers were dancing around your clit as he rammed himself inside of you. Your eyes filled with tears when you cried out, savoring the sudden sensations engulfing you. You moaned, feeling your voice vibrate against his hand.

“I like punishing you, you know.” His voice was low, and you moaned as he licked your ear. “You’re such a good girl when you want to be.”

“This isn’t...much of a punishment.” You grunted. He bit down onto your earlobe and you whimpered.

“Oh, we haven’t gotten to that part yet.” He rasped into your ear. His pace quickened and his fingers felt glorious against your clit. Your movements synced with his perfectly. You could feel yourself quickly approaching your climax as he kissed the skin on your neck, hitting all the perfect places when he pumped into you. It was as if he knew exactly what you wanted and how you wanted it.

You felt yourself caving in and desire dripped from your tongue as you moaned, “I’m gonna cum.” Just as the words fell, everything stopped. Obi Wan’s fingers and his cock left your cunt all at once, and you let out a cry just before his eyes met yours.

“Like I said before,” his lips brushed against your own as he purred into your mouth. “We hadn’t gotten there yet.”

You already had come down almost completely from your previous euphoric state when his fingers glided inside of you. You writhed and moaned under his touch and Stars, this man sure knew who to put his hands to work. When he lowered his lips back down to your clit, you thought you would just about lose your mind. “Fuck.” You moaned. “Please, Master. Let me finish.” You pleaded.

“Quiet.” He muttered before continuing. You obeyed and only continued to moan under his force, biting your lip and rocking your hips against his face as he pleasured you. His free hand slithered up your body and intertwined his fingers with your own as he worked in between your legs. You squeezed his hand so hard that you thought it would just about snap off. Obi Wan finally paused, blinking up at you from in between your legs.

“Are you going to behave now, darling?” He asked, still slowly working his fingers in and out of your cunt as he spoke. You nodded quickly.

“Say it.”

“Y-yes. I’m going to behave, I-I’ll be a good girl for you.” You said then added, “Master.” The general chuckled before instructing you to get on your elbows and knees, to which you obliged and rested your front end onto a cushy pillow. You arched your back, ass raised, and giggled when you received a slap on your ass before Kenobi positioned himself.

He grabbed at and pulled your hair, raising your head so you could see him out of the corner of your eye. He planted a kiss onto your temple before murmuring,

“Pretty, pretty girl.”

Then, he rammed into you so hard and unexpectedly that you gasp and cry out his name. He clearly doesn’t catch it, and you shut your eyes as a single tear falls, continuing to cry out and whimper beneath him. Fuck, it’s amazing, and it’s everything you had ever fantasized it would be. You swear you see stars as he continues, pumping in and out of you again, again, and again...this position seems so much better than before, you thought. His grip is so tight on your hips that you think it may leave bruises, but hell, you love it. You want him to leave marks on you.

You think of all the times before that were filled with nothing but harmless flirting and charm. Now, everything will be different. You giggled at the thought of changing in the morning and seeing the bruises he left on your skin. You could feel yourself approaching your climax just at the thought of knowing that in this moment, you were his.

You almost didn’t want it to end, but you were so desperate to finish after having it ripped from you at the very edge. You were sweating, panting, and groaning the word “Master,” over and over again. “I’m gonna cum,” you said heavily.

“Go ahead.” Obi Wan seemed to gasp. Another tear fell down your cheek and you cried out louder than ever before as you crashed down onto him, all around him, everywhere. Absolutely fucking everywhere, and if it weren’t for the Jedi’s weight holding you up, you would’ve collapsed down into the mattress already. It hit like a fucking train wreck, and he remained his steady pace as your walls closed in onto his cock. You assumed he could feel your shaking, and when your breath heaved in and out of your lungs as you slumped against the pillow beneath you, you smiled a lazy smile.

The sound of Obi Wan Kenobi grunting and letting out a long, high-pitched moan as he came undone inside of you was just about the sexiest thing in the entire galaxy. He collided into the bed beside you, panting as he stared at the ceiling. You finally allowed your hips to fall and rested on your stomach, you head turned to face him. Beads of sweat rolled across his skin when he looked at you, and your thighs still quivered against the sheets.

He dragged two of his fingers softly underneath your chin. “Beautiful,” was all he could make out as he huffed beside you. You shut your eyes, that lazy smile still plastered to your face.

“Do you...think anybody heard us?” You asked, opening your eyes again. You gazed over his beard and his strong features as he peered at you.

“Oh, without a doubt.” He began to chuckle.

“Whoops.” You giggled. He rolled over and pressed his lips to yours briefly before responding.

“If I’m being honest, I really couldn’t care any less.” His voice was husky when he smiled as you pulled him back down, kissing him again and again until you fell asleep in your blissful state.

****************

Tags: @ifvckedurmom @thingsistan @lizajane3

-please let me know if you’d like to be added to my taglist! I’m new to tumblr and everything to I don’t know who to add and stuff LMFAO so just let me know! <3

#obi wan x y/n #obi wan x you #obi wan x reader #obi wan smut #obi wan kenobi smut #obi wan kenobi x you #obi wan kenobi x reader #obi wan kenobi x y/n #clone wars smut #tcw #tcw smut #star wars smut #star wars imagine #clone wars imagine #tcw imagine #smut

2K notes · View notes

panda-noosh · 3 years ago

Text

the game {draco x reader}

masterlist

---

you’ve been tormenting the malfoy family for what feels like forever.

it’s become a kind of game at this point, a game everyone is involved in. the malfoys pretend they don’t expect your presence, and you pretend you are tormenting them because you don’t like them. it’s back and forth, back and forth, and you’ve been doing it too long to back out now.

it starts the same way every time - the gate is open, and they pretend it��s because they forgot to close it. nobody mentions the fact that lucius malfoy hasn’t forgotten a single thing in his entire life. nobody mentions draco’s blonde head peaking out from behind the living room curtains, waiting for the arrival of a person he claims to despise.

you stroll in with the ease of someone who owns the place, smiling and waving at the white peacocks that have become so familiar with your presence by now that they don’t even make a noise upon seeing you. they lift their graceful heads, and then they bow them again - it’s as simple as that.

you knock on the door, grinning even wider when you hear narcissa’s faux exclamation of, “who could that possibly be?” you know for a fact that draco has warned her of your presence already, that all three of them have been expecting your arrival since they woke up this morning.

and then the door opens, and narcissa stands there in all her glory. such a tall, graceful woman, and you tell her that on a daily basis, making her blush because you are her favourite little Mudblood, and she lets you get away with things like that.

you lean against the door frame, spinning your wand between your ringed fingers. narcissa glares at you without speaking, her jaw working as she inspects you.

“evening,” you drawl. “how are you today, my dear?”

her nostrils flare. “how many times have we told you to stay away from our home?”

“oh, plenty of times. i’ve quite lost count.” you straighten, craning your neck to see over her tall frame, into the hallway beyond. standing in the foyer, just as you predicted, just as he always does, is draco. you give him a wave before turning back to face his mother. “is he alright? i haven’t seen him much at school recently.”

“my sons wellbeing is none of your business.”

draco appears at his mothers elbow. “you can tell professor snape i’ve been feeling ill.”

you smile - draco giving you orders is moreso his way of answering your questions without looking like he gives a shit. you appreciate it, this code you two speak in, because in all truth, you do worry about the malfoy boy quite a bit.

you met him in school, your very first year at hogwarts. you were crushed beneath adrenaline, having found out about your powers only a few weeks before being shipped off to this strange and wonderful new school. you had a wand, and a robe, and there was a giant man ushering you into a tiny boat, ready to take you to the future.

and then draco appeared, and he knew who you were. he must have looked through the first year list, must have looked you up and realised you were a muggle-born. he did his research, and that was the first point of respect he earned off you.

“let them in, mother,” draco says now. “the elves made too much food anyway; might as well put them to use whilst they’re here.”

you give a mock bow. “much appreciated, malfoy.”

he snarls, before mother and son turn on their heels and lead you into the home you have become so familiar with these past few years. you’ve traced these walls with your fingers a thousand times before, and you do the same now. upstairs, you hear the elves marching around, putting stuff back where they belong, chuntering amongst themselves; silently, you wonder where lucius is.

draco and narcissa lead you to the kitchen, where stacks upon stacks of food are set up along the grand dining table. draco hands you a glass of water before gesturing to the plates and saying, “dig in. and be grateful we haven’t got the ministry involved.”

“the ministry?” you raise a brow, taking a long, loud sip of your water before continuing. “draco, what would the ministry possibly do? you’ve been letting me into your home for years - it’s starting to get a little old hearing you say you don’t want me here.”

draco blinks, startled.

narcissa steps in, grabbing the water from your hand and slamming it upon the table. “we don’t want you here. the last thing we need is some filthy mudblood knocking on our door at all hours of the morning.”

the word doesn’t even sting any more - it’s a wound that has been closed long enough now to no longer hurt. so instead, you smile and say, “very true, narcissa. i’ll have my water back now, if you please.”

narcissa growls, turns and walks out of the kitchen. she always does this. it’s become part of the routine.

you grab the water yourself and take another sip. draco continues staring at you, a habit he adopted only recently. you remember the first time he did it, the first time it was more than a glance, more than an accidental brush of eye contact between you; he was standing on the opposite side of the kitchen, those slim fingers tapping a rhythm against the expensive granite. you and lucius were chatting, lucius asking - yet again - why you’re here, why you can never leave them alone, why you aren’t at school. you were going to answer, but draco’s gaze was burning a hole into the side of your face, and you truly felt as if you had no choice but to pack it in early and go home, just to recuperate.

you’ve gotten better with it. you don’t have any plans of storming out any time soon, though his gaze still makes your face heat up and your stomach squirm.

“so, you’ve been ill, have you?” you begin. “i won’t lie, draco, you look pretty spritely to me.”

“i wouldn’t expect you to understand,” draco shoots back. “you should just mind your business.”

“i never asked you what was wrong. i was just saying - seems like you’re looking for a muggle excuse to get out of going to school.”

draco glares, though the expression has less effect now that he’s taken to never taking his eyes off you, no matter what his emotions towards you are in the moment. “i’ve told you not to call me that.”

“didn’t call you anything.”

“you called me a muggle.”

you narrow your eyes in faux confusion. “i said your excuse was muggle. don’t blow it out of proportion, mate.”

he throws his hands up, turning away for what feels like the first time since he laid eyes on you. “why are you here this time, y/n? what could you possibly want from us now?”

“i’ve never wanted anything from you.” you inspect the endless plates on the table. “although i will pinch a scotch egg, if you don’t mind.”

draco watches as you reach across the table, picking at the assortment of foods. you don’t break the eye contact, because that’s what he wants you to do. he wants you to show some sign of intimidation, some sign that he has wriggled beneath your nerves in the same way he manages with everyone else. you’re determined to show him you’re not afraid of the malfoys, have never been afraid of the malfoys, and that’s exactly why you’re here. you wanted something, and you were willing to go to the highest rank to get it.

“you know, if my father finds out about what you get up to, you’ll be sent to azkaban with a life sentence.”

you freeze, scotch egg halfway to your mouth. “so you’re bringing that up now, are you?”

“i’m just warning you.” draco shrugs, the sleeves of his black blazer stretching against the motion. “one day you’re going to walk in here, and he’s going to know. he’s going to see it in your eyes that you’re guilty.”

“he’s going to figure me out.” you scoff. “you really think the sun shines out of your father’s arse, don’t you? he’s not as smart as he likes everyone to think, draco. i’ve been running circles around that man for years now, and he’s none the wiser.”

“and what if i tell him?”

the room falls silent. your heartbeat rings in your ears. you hate talking about this with draco, because you never know whether or not to take his threats seriously.

he folds his arms over his chest. “you’re lucky i haven’t blabbed yet.”

“are you threatening me, malfoy?” you lean forward, lowering your voice to a purr. “why don’t you tell me the real reason you’ve taken two weeks out of school, hm? then we’ll both have stories to tattle to the ministry.”

draco pales. he glares at you for a moment longer before the kitchen door opens, and narcissa malfoy strolls inside once again. you straighten up, schooling your expression into one of immediate calm, like not a single thing is wrong. you pop the remaining scotch egg in your mouth and say, “i should get out of your hair now.”

narcissa simply scowls.

you give her a grin, nod at draco once before walking out the door, trying to ignore that blue-eyed gaze still burning into the back of your head.

----

it gets easier over time.

all of it does, really. the guilt becomes non-existent, and the act itself becomes second nature after a few good attempts. you’ve nearly been caught a handful of times, and you know if your actions were to come to light, you would be expelled from hogwarts in a heartbeat; not even dumbledore could show you mercy, no matter how much he likes you.

it’s easiest when the streets are full. muggles are so careless, clumped together with wallets jingling in their pockets, unprotected. they don’t even think about what might go wrong, don’t even think a wizard may be lurking amongst them, ready to snatch their belongings right from their person.

you don’t need it, of course. muggle money means nothing where you come from, but there’s some wizards and witches who would pay hundreds of galleons in trade for the things collected off muggles. it’s a black market kind of situation.

tonight, you are dressed in a black hoodie and jeans, wand stowed in your back pocket. you don’t need it; you’ve mastered the magic-free manoeuvres of sneaking things from people, and you use such skills to your advantage tonight. a man by the name of richard carpol has put in a request for a muggle passport - an irish one, preferably, but he’ll take anything you can get your hands on.

you search for what feels like hours before zoning in on the dark red booklet peaking out of a teenagers jacket pocket. their source of ID, you assume, and you feel no guilt whatsoever when you stroll past them and pluck the book free. you stuff it in your hoodie pocket before picking up your pace, ducking into a dark alleyway.

you flip it open - it’s a british passport, but richard will still pay. he’s not a picky customer, which makes your night ten times easier.

you make your way back to hogwarts, waving at people in hogsmeade before you disappear for the night. you sneak into the slytherin dormitory with no problems, stuffing the passport beneath your mattress. you wriggle beneath the sheets, ignoring pansy’s insistant questions about where you have been, if you’ve seen draco, how you managed to sneak past filch - she asks this every night, and you have never replied. you just fall asleep, another day successful.

----

“he’s back.”

like he’s some kind of god. you nearly roll your eyes, the whispers repeated over and over again throughout morning breakfast. all around you, the slytherin table is alive with anticipation, waiting for draco malfoy to stroll in through the double doors, head held high in that way it always is.

you knew draco was returning before anyone else did, as he told you the night before in a fit of faux rage at the sight of you in his bedroom, yet again. you had offered to leave, leaned casually against his mahogany wardrobe, and it could almost be considered hasty the speed at which he rushed for his door to close it, uttering a quiet, “no, you’re here now, so you might as well stay.”

but now he’s back in school, and you’re sick of him. you haven’t even seen his face once, but the whispers and the praise from your house mates is enough to set your teeth on edge. it reminds you that there is indeed a draco living outside of the malfoy manor, a draco you cannot tease and torment as easily.

“i saw him in the common room this morning putting his robes on. i think his parents got him new ones,” a fellow slytherin whispers. “and his hair has been cut a little shorter - he looks so grown up!”

you snicker into your porridge, smothering the noise to no avail. the slytherin girl singing draco’s praises shoots you a glare before noticing who you are; her glare folds in on itself, and she quickly retaliates by pretending she didn’t hear your snicker in the first place.

breakfast ticks by, and it’s only near the end does draco finally decide to grace the dining hall with his presence. the double doors open, and the chatter amongst the slytherins falls short almost immediately. you’re ashamed to admit that even you look up at the speed of light, catching one of the first glimpses of draco malfoy as he returns from what many people assumed was the dead.

his fangirl certainly wasn’t lying, you notice; his hair has been cut shorter, and he does look plenty grown up. he walks with a fresh confidence that makes you want to roll your eyes - it’s not like he needed a further confidence boost. his robes are clean, brushing the floor. his eyes are trained on the head table, though they linger there for only moments before snapping to where you are seated.

you raise a curious brow. he blushes, looks away, and takes his seat next to crabbe and goyle, both of whom clap him on the back like he’s just returned from war.

you ignore him the rest of breakfast, which is a rare action for you. you used to revel in tormenting him, coming face to face with him at every corner just to give another snide remark; it was a game back then, back when the two of you were younger and felt as if you could get away with it.

breakfast ends shortly thereafter, and you hurry to gather your things. swinging your bag over one shoulder, you duck your head down and escape into the crowded corridors, losing yourself amongst the sea of black clad students.

but you’re a fool to ever think you - of all people - could escape draco’s magnificent return to school. his cold fingers wrap around your wrist before you have a chance to turn the corridor to your next class, stopping you in your tracks. part of you wants to spin around and punch him, just floor him in front of everyone, show him that you’re not just some silly person showing up on his front doorstep every other night.

instead, you slowly turn and give him a smile, one of your big ones to let him know you don’t mean it, that you’re being hostile.

his face is set in stone, that frown so perfect and soft looking it makes you want to sob.

“where are you off to in such a hurry?” he asks, keeping his voice low because god forbid anyone catch him speaking to you.

“class,” you reply. “so kindly let go of me, malfoy.”

“not until you tell me where richard got another muggle passport to sell.”

you freeze, though you knew this would be coming eventually. richard is one of your best customers, but he’s not very bright; he’s never understood the concept of subtlety when it comes to the trading of muggle artefacts.

“he has a new one, does he?” you say. “good for him. his collection must be getting awfully big by now.”

draco scowls. “my father is starting to get very suspicious, y/n, and i don’t know how much longer i’ll be willing to cover for you.”

you pry your hand out of his grip, nearly stumbling from the momentum. “is that a threat?”

“it’s a warning,” he says. “i might not like you, but i don’t need you going down for something like this. people know we’re familiar with each other, and i don’t want you tarnishing my family name.”

you scoff. “your family name has been tarnished since you-know-who was in power.”

“shut up. don’t talk on things you don’t understand.”

“all i need to do is pick up a history book.”

draco scowls, those blues eyes ablaze. you’ve seen this look on him when he’s speaking to those gryffindors he hates so much, when a teacher takes someone else’s side over his own. you’ve seen this look on him plenty of times, but never aimed at you; for some reason, his expression is always so soft around the edges when trained on you.

“i’m trying to do you a favour,” draco mumbles. “because i’m serious when i say my father will snap you in half if he finds out you’re the one providing these artefacts to the dark market.”

“i’m not afraid of lucius,” you reply. “and i think you’re kind of forgetting the fact that your father actually likes me. at least a little bit.”

draco’s eyebrows fly up in amusement. “what’s given you that idea?”

“the fact that i’m still allowed in your house after all these years.” you grin, basking in the way draco’s own smile fades at the realisation you have indeed recognised this behaviour within his family. “yes, malfoy. you all try so hard to convince me i’m the scum of the earth, but the truth is, you appreciate my company. the truth is, you make me tea every time i visit. the truth is, you’re all a little fond of me, whether you want to admit it or not.”

his face pales even more, a feat you didn’t think possible until seeing it with your own two eyes. it’s a delicious win, a point for you in a competition you didn’t even realise you had entered.

“you’re delusional,” he mumbles. “you say you picked up a history book, then you must know how my family feel about your kind.”

“my kind?” you raise a brow, feigning ignorance just to annoy him. he hates outstretched conversations, especially with you. “are you talking about half-bloods, or pickpockets? oh! or people who can run circles around you without fear?”

you don’t give him a chance to reply, because quite frankly, you’re done with this conversation. you’re done with him for today. you prefer it when you’re in control of your daily draco interactions.

you turn on your heel and leave, rushing for your next class even as he calls your name. you can’t believe the nerve of him, approaching you like that, telling you to quit the job that’s gotten you off the streets, that’s helped you fund an education for yourself. these robes you’re wearing, the books you read in class, the wand that is an extension of your arm by now - all of it was funded by you, from your own pocket. just because the business is ruthless, not some posh, clean dealing that malfoy is used to, doesn’t mean it’s any less important.

you want to shove that explanation down his throat, just so he’ll finally look past his own privileged little bubble. you hate admitting it, but the truth is, draco wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t so blinded by his upbringing. he knows how to be nice - you’ve seen it before, experienced it before, though you never talk about those experiences with anyone. there have been a few times where draco has seen you walking past his house, soaked to the bone from the rain, and he’s let you in, warmed you up by the fire, placed a hot chocolate in your hand. he’ll insult you and call you stupid and claim he wants you out of his house as soon as possible, but he was still the man who made the move to get you out of the rain.

your feelings for draco are a jenga tower. built up to full form, but slowly, pieces get chipped away until the entire thing is falling, and you have to rebuild it and try again.

you don’t know why you keep rebuilding it after so many disasters, but as he calls your name at your retreating back, you can feel yourself already putting those blocks back together.

----

charms class really is a pain.

flitwick is nice enough. he’s patient, which is good, and very much needed when it comes to your skills in the classroom. you’re an intelligent person, always studying because you want to be the best. you love seeing the look on draco’s face when he looks over and sees you’ve got a higher grade than him. it gives you such a thrill.

but charms is your downfall, because nothing makes any sense. flitwick explains the spell, and the hand movements, and he leaves you to your own devices, and you always somehow end up messing everything up.

today, all you’re doing is tossing a pillow to the other side of the room. it’s a simple spell, a simple gesture, and yet you still manage to smash a window in the process. flitwick merely sighs, explains the charm again, and gets you to repeat the process until you’ve got it right.

it takes a while. you don’t like it when things take a while.

by the half hour mark, sweat is running down your face, and your teeth have been gritted for so long it’s starting to hurt. you throw your wand down on the table, rake your hands through your hair and say, “i’m taking a break.”

“please do,” flitwick grumbles, rubbing the spot on his head where a vase smashed into his skull, thanks to your handiwork.

you slump down on one of the pillows you have failed to charm and run a hand along your brow. it’s actually disgusting how much energy gets taken out of you from doing such a simple thing. it’s also very confusing, considering you’re able to master the most difficult spells in defence against the dark arts without so much as a second thought. why tossing a pillow to the other side of the room is getting to you is both a joke and a mystery.

as you pull yourself together, savouring your moment of rest, someone slumps down next to you. you glance over, an eyebrow raised at bailey o’boyle, a boy you’ve done business with a few times in the past. he was only dabbling in the black market at the time, too young to understand what it was actually all about, but you weren’t going to be the one to ward him off, not when he had a good few galleons with your name on it.

he looks at you now with a smile, big and dopey, just as it always is.

“can i help you?” you ask.

“yes.”

you wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t. he just keeps staring at you.

you grit your teeth. “with what?”

“i need an electric scooter.”

you raise a brow. already the word ‘electric’ has got your attention, because that’s not something the wizard world is very familiar with. what bailey is doing right now is forming a business deal. you’re not usually a fan of bargaining in the middle of class, but since you have nothing better to do. . .

you turn, ducking your head and lowering your voice. “what the fuck do you need an electric scooter for?”

“to sell,” he replies. “i’ve got a man who collects them. he’s willing to pay big money, y/n. big, big money.”

you like the sound of that.

“i’m a pickpocket, you know,” you say. “it’s not going to be easy pickpocketing an entire scooter from a muggle.”

bailey shrugs. “i said i’d see what you could do. but if you’re not up to it. . .”

your eye twitches; you hate that phrase. realistically, you know this is far beyond your expertise. you steal wallets, and passports, and house keys, tiny things you can sneak away without detection. trying to get something like an electric scooter from a muggle without being caught is close enough to impossible that even the lure of galleons isn’t enough to convince you to do it.

still, of course you’re going to think about it. there are many different side streets in muggle london that you could go down, and if you do it at night, the shadows could be used to your advantage. nobody would even bat an eye if you wore-

draco grabs your wrist and pulls you from the floor.

you yelp, stumbling into his chest. he lifts you like you weigh nothing, and you’re more surprised at his strength than you are at his actions.

bailey’s eyes widen. he stutters, trying to feign innocence, but neither you nor draco are interested in him any more. you whirl on malfoy, shoving him away.

“what the hell?”

“what the hell, is right.” he grabs your arm. “come with me.”

you struggle against his grip, but truth to be told, you’re not really putting up much of a fight. you’re still in shock at how easily he was able to lift you, at the feel of his fingers around your upper arm.

he drags you from the classroom. flitwick being flitwick doesn’t even bat an eye; he’s probably relieved that’s two more students he doesn’t need to worry about.

in the hallway, draco finally lets go of you. you jerk away so fast your back hits against the wall. draco raises a brow, but he still looks furious. his nostrils are flared, his face is pale, and god, he keeps clenching his fists like he wants to wrap his hands around your throat.

god help you, you kind of want him to. just to know what it feels like.

“again,” you say. “what the hell?”

“i knew you were stupid, y/n, but that’s bad even for you.”

“excuse me?”

“you do realise blaise was listening to every word you and bailey were saying in there?” he shakes his head, jaw clenched. “i was trying to talk over you, but your loud mouth is quite difficult to ignore.”

you blink. firstly, wow. bargaining in class really isn’t a good idea, and you really should have known better.

but also, wow, draco actually tried helping you out.

you swallow and fold your arms over your chest. “i had it under control. blaise isn’t gonna do shit.”

draco laughs. “blaise’s dad is in the ministry, idiot.”

“stop calling me that. i’m smarter than you!”

“do you understand what i’m telling you, y/n? if blaise says a word about what he heard to his dad, that’s you done. there’s no getting out of that.”

a chill runs down your spine. draco glimpses the movement, and you swear his features soften slightly.

“i just can’t believe you were so careless.”

“why do you even care?” your voice is quiet, barely above a whisper. you kind of hope draco doesn’t hear it, but his eyebrows shoot up, and his cheeks gain a tiny red tint that lets you know he doesn’t really know the answer to that question.

you swallow, looking up to meet his eyes. “why do you care, draco?”

“because.” his throat bobs. there is a moment of hesitation where you think he’s going to tell the truth. maybe he’s going to shock the world and just tell the god damn truth, but then he clears his throat, pulls his shoulders back and says, “i’ve already told you, y/n; if you go down, you’ll tarnish my family name. i can’t have that.”

your insides wilt like his words are acid being poured down your throat. you laugh a little too loudly, a bark more than anything close to amusement. it’s so vicious, so filled with hatred that draco actually flinches away. in that moment, you want to give him a real reason to flinch, a real reason to be afraid.

but you don’t, because he’s the boy who pulled you out of the rain.

instead, you shake your head and say, “tell flitwick i’m ill. and don’t bother talking to me ever again. let me handle my own business, thanks.” and without another word, you rush down the hallway to the dorm rooms, refusing to look back at him. this time, he doesn’t call your name, doesn’t chase after you in that hopelessly stupid way you want him to. of course he wouldn’t.

you throw your robes off the minute you burst through the doors of your dorm. it’s empty besides a fellow slytherin’s cat laying on the bed. the black and white feline lifts its head at the sound of you, and you ignore it’s confused little mews as you scramble into your own bed, pull the privacy curtain over and bury your head in your pillow.

you hate him. you really, really hate him, and that’s not even an exaggeration. he’s the worst person you’ve ever met. he’s this tormented little shit who thinks he has every right to throw his anger at everyone else, just because he isn’t tough enough to stand up to mummy and daddy. he’s so desperate to stay in line with everything his parents say, and it’s ridiculous. it’s embarrassing. it’s a cowards move.

there are so many things you wished you said to him before storming off, but there’s always that moment of hesitation when it comes to anything you want to say to draco. you either have to check it’s not too nice, and even when it’s mean, you have to check it’s not going to actually upset him, because you don’t want to do that either. you don’t know why. you should spit in his face for the shit he puts you through, the confusion he makes you feel. and he doesn’t even care. he just carries on being a little prick, like nothing is wrong in the world.

but surprise, surprise, draco. not everyone can live a lavish life, worry free.

---

you manage to ignore draco for the rest of the day. it’s easily done, considering draco doesn’t like to make a big deal out of the fact that you two actually have history; he likes to pretend he associates only with people of the purest blood, the most talented wizards, ones that come from the old families.

but he can’t keep his eyes off you.

he knows he’s hit a nerve. the way his eyes follow every movement you make, the way his jaw ticks when you don’t even give him the time of day - he’s not a stupid boy, as much as you like to tell him he is. he can see when he’s upset you.

classes drag in the rest of the day, and it’s a massive relief when you’re finally released from the confines of lessons, free to do whatever you want. after stealing a bit of food from the dining hall, you head up to the slytherin dormitory; you like it best when it’s empty, when you can just sit with your own thoughts for a while. you need it today, because today you actually let yourself be a normal teenager, and you hate it. you hate the feeling of hormones and overreactions, but sometimes it’s hard to help it. sometimes you need to let yourself feel emotional.

alone in the dorms, you reach under your bed and pull out your handy box of trinkets. most of the contents are just things you’ve stolen that never found a home - a penny from a london sidewalk, an old napkin with a mystery person’s phone number scribbled on it, a black and white photo of a couple standing in front of the ocean. however, tucked away amongst those simple, boring things is a green emerald - one you stole from the malfoy manor a few years ago.

you got it from draco’s room, because you weren’t meant to be in there, and you wanted to let him know that you had, in fact, been in there. the emerald was stitched into the collar of one of his shirts, all expensive looking and wasted. you nearly scoffed at the sight of it - when would draco ever get to wear something so glamorous anyway? plus, the emerald looked far too heavy to be confined to a shirts collar; it would be very uncomfortable, you assumed.

that’s why you grabbed a knife and cut the stitching to shreds, plucking the emerald from it to claim as your own. you tossed the shredded shirt back into draco’s wardrobe, tucked the emerald into your pocket and then walked out, content with the knowledge that draco would be yelling at you in due time once he noticed his missing jewel.

but the yelling never came.

draco knew you had stolen it. again, he isn’t stupid. his shirt was shredded, and the jewel was missing, and it was obvious who had done it - the known pickpocket who was strolling through his house every other night.

he just never said anything, like he wanted you to keep it, like he didn’t mind it was in your hands now.

you stare at it, legs crossed beneath you. you’ve always prided yourself on how little you care for expensive things - you don’t complain that you haven’t got much, that you grew up poor, never able to afford the grand things draco has. but you still handle this emerald with so much care, flipping it round in your fingers, looking at every curve and delicate groove in it’s cut.

the dormitory door opens. you trust it’s just someone who’s eaten too much and wants an early night, so you don’t panic or falter. you listen to their footsteps patter across the room, the thump of their robes hitting the floor, followed closely by their shoes. you listen to their privacy curtain screeching open, their sigh of annoyance at something you can’t see-

and then draco pops his head round your privacy curtain.

you yelp, fumbling with the emerald. it slips from your fingers, however, and crashes to the floor at draco’s bare feet. he stares at it as you curse, an eyebrow raising, and you don’t even try and hide it. you just let him stare, arms folded over your chest, annoyance brewing in your stomach just at the sight of him.

finally, he slowly looks up. “mine, i take it?”

“good guess, rich boy. can i have it back?”

he picks it up and tosses it into your lap. you’re pleasantly surprised at his cooperation, but still keep that frown on your face.

“what do you want?” you ask, violently stuffing all your belongings back into the cardboard box.

“you weren’t at dinner,” draco replies. “i wanted to make sure you weren’t causing any more trouble.”

you scoff. “oh, trouble, yes. tarnishing the malfoy name. the end goal for us all.”

draco stares at you, lips pursed. his gaze is always so warm, a physical thing that makes your skin crawl. “that comment bothered you, did it?”

“nothing you say bothers me, draco. it just baffles me how you can be so dense sometimes.”

“ouch. that one hurt.”

you roll your eyes. “why are you here? i have nothing to say to you.”

“you don’t have to say anything. i just wanted to make sure you’re alive.”

“not like you care, though, is it?”

draco’s nostrils flare. his throat bobs, eyes tracing the length of your throat like he’s a hungry vampire. his lower lip slips between his teeth, the expression startling you. he looks like he’s trying to reel himself back, like some unwanted emotion is fighting for dominance in his brain.

“you’re really stubborn, aren’t you?” he asks after a moment.

“you think?”

“i still don’t know what i did to piss you off so much.”

you bark out a laugh. “no, of course you don’t. god forbid a malfoy is self-aware for once.”

he groans. “can you not just make things simple? why do we have to go around in circles like this? it’s a waste of time!”

“is that meant to be an apology?”

“how can i apologise when i don’t even know what i did?” he’s starting to sound desperate, like this conversation is taking the life from him.

you lean back, pulling the box into your lap protectively. in truth, you don’t even know how to word why you’re so upset - it makes sense in your head, but articulating it to someone else is just going to make you sound stupid, maybe even a little delusional. you should know draco by now, people will say. you should know what he’s like, that he cares for no one besides himself. getting upset over him showing his true colours is stupid, a waste of time and energy.

but you look into his blue eyes right now, wanting nothing more than for him to just understand. understand what, you don’t even want to admit, not to yourself or anyone else.

“you hurt my feelings,” you mumble.

draco inhales sharply. “i didn’t think i could do that. i never thought you’d let me.”

“well, you did. congratulations.”

“jesus, y/n, it’s not like i wanted to. what did i even say?”

you stare at him. he stares back. the ball will drop eventually, you know, because draco is smart, smarter than you’ve ever given him credit for. he examines your expression, and you watch the moment his eyebrows start to relax in realisation, the frown form on his face. it makes anxiety coil in the pit of your stomach, because maybe this is just a little too vulnerable. maybe letting draco figure this out on his own was a bad idea.

but it’s too late now. he draws back slowly, hands curled around the privacy curtain until the fabric is creasing and knotted in his fingers. “wait. . .”

“go, draco,” you demand. “i have shit to do. business to take care of.”

“y/n-”

“go, draco!”

he stares at you a moment longer before running a hand through his hair and walking out the room. you wait till the door is closed, and then you wait till his footsteps can no longer be heard, and then you throw the box of trinkets to the ground, watching the emerald slip across the wooden floor.

---

the streets of london always look a little different when you’re angry. a little more violent. a little more real.

muggle london in itself has always felt like a very hostile place to you, but when you’re angry, things get clearer. you notice the vomit stain on the curb, the neglected baby pram in the bush, the beer bottles smashed beneath window sills. it becomes a different place - it just depends on how you’re feeling.

tonight, you are angry, and everything around you is angry, too.

you just want a set of car keys, not the actual car. muggle car keys sell at a good price, depending on who you’re dealing with. nobody has requested them, and usually you don’t go out unless asked to do so by a client, but tonight, you just want to be out. you want to be away from the wizarding world. you want to cause havoc with your fingers in the best way you know how.

it’s busy. it always is. you can guarantee that almost everyone around you has car keys in their pocket - that’s why global warming is so bad. some of them even wear them around their neck, dangling from multicoloured chains with little souvenirs banging against their chests. those would be so easy to just rip off and run away, but you’ve decided to be subtle, which means your eyes are trained on the bulges in people’s coat pockets. so many of them, so careless.

a man in a tracksuit seems like the best option. you follow him for ten minutes, keeping your head down, before he finally breaks away from his group of drunken friends. he laughs to himself, stumbling just the perfect amount - he’s drunk, but not drunk enough to be falling over himself, which makes slipping your hand into his pocket a pretty easy deal.

you go for the kill, quickening your pace, dipping your hand into his pocket-

he grabs your wrist, and before you even have a chance to blink, you’re on the ground.

a gasp is ripped from your throat at both the shock and the pain that spears up your spine. the guy is yelling, stumbling back, and holy shit, if he doesn’t shut up right now, the whole of london is going to be on you.

gathering as much strength as you can, you roll onto your side and push yourself to your knees. “hey man, calm down. sorry. i thought you were my friend.”

“did you just try and rob me?” he yells.

“no! no, of course-”

“you psycho bitch!” he lunges for you, all drunken vowels and grabby hands. you have no idea what to make of his intentions, you just know you’ve fucked up, and you need to get out of here.

his hands slam into your shoulders, knocking you on your ass. a cry escapes you, but not from the pain. a tiny snap sounds from your back pocket, and you know without having to look that your wand has just broken in half - yet again. dumbledore is going to start getting very suspicious.

“son of a bitch,” you growl, before raising your hands. “listen, hey. i’m sorry. i’ve said that already. you need to calm down before-”

“before what?” he howls. “you kill me? are you threatening me?”

your eyes widen. “no! would you just-”

the man opens his mouth to say something else, but his words are sucked back in when a hand wraps around his arm and yanks him back. you wince at the sound of his head cracking against the tarmac, but you don’t get a chance to comment before draco is kneeling beside you, one hand cradling your head, the other resting on your knee. his touch alone is enough to spread warmth through your previously frozen limbs, and you hate that. you hate it so much.

you tug your knee from his grip. “what the hell are you doing here?”

“are you bleeding?” he runs his thumb along your bottom lip. when he pulls away, his fingertip glows with a red liquid.

“oh. i guess i am.”

“christ, y/n. do you ever just...” he closes his eyes, taking a moment to redirect his anger. it’s an amusing sight, and you almost smile until you remember you’re mad at him. forever mad at him.

you jerk your head out of his grip, too. “i’m fine. stop worrying.”

“clearly i have to, or else you’re going to get yourself killed.” he glances over his shoulder, where the drunken man is struggling to sit up, still slurring protestations. “by a muggle.”

“he wouldn’t have killed me,” you grumble. “although my wand is broke, so maybe he would have.”

draco’s eyes widen. you wave him off before he has a chance to chastise you again - in truth, you just want to get out of here, car keys be damned. hastily, you push yourself to your feet, wobbling only slightly, but draco must see this tiny action as a full-on collapse risk, as he wraps an arm around your waist and tugs you close, grumbling curses under his breath. you’re such a pain in the arse, apparently, and god, he wishes he wasn’t stuck with you all the time, and he’s so baffled by the fact you’re still alive, it’s probably all thanks to him, blah, blah, blah.

you listen to him rant the entire way back to malfoy manor. you don’t argue his choice of location, because you can see narcissa standing in the doorway, hand over her mouth, eyebrows raised in genuine surprise, and you already know she’s got a cup of tea waiting for you in the sitting room. you almost smile, but that would ruin the effect.

she rushes out to meet you and draco halfway, immediately grabbing your face and tilting your head back and forth. you can taste blood on your teeth.

“what happened?” she breathes, but doesn’t give you a chance to reply. “draco, take them into the lounge.”

“oh, the lounge,” you coo. “you are spoiling me!”

“be quiet,” draco hisses, doing as his mother says. he tosses you unceremoniously onto the plush sofa, and you have to ignore the inappropriate thrill that shoots up your body.

narcissa appears not ten seconds later, a steaming cup of tea in her hand. you give her a grin, which she rolls her eyes at, even as she sits beside you and brushes your hair away from your face. you take a sip of the tea, smile in thanks, and then lean your head back.

“sorry about this.”

narcissa sighs. her breath tickles your cheek, smelling oddly of incense. “i don’t know what we’re going to do with you, y/n.”

“put me down.” you make a stabbing gesture into your arm and mouth lethal injection at draco. he purses his lips, clearly not taking the joke in stride. “i didn’t mean to worry you so much.”

“you’re always worrying us,” draco hisses, which earns him a sharp look from narcissa. he meets his mothers eyes and his shoulders deflate. he runs his hands down his face. “you’re just . . . always doing something.”

“i know,” you mumble. “sorry.”

“draco, don’t stress them out,” says narcissa, which surprises you; you’ve always known narcissa has a secret soft spot for you, but she’s always tried her hardest to keep it just that - a secret. yet here she is, combing your hair back, giving you a cup of tea, telling her son to treat you nicely. it’s like you’ve entered a different world. “i’m gonna go and make some calls. keep them comfortable, okay?”

draco nods, lips still pursed, forever displeased. you used to laugh at that expression on his face, but now it just makes you feel bad.

narcissa leaves the room, and then it’s just you and draco. you watch as he watches you, eyes never wavering, shoulders never relaxing. he’s got his arms folded over his chest like he’s keeping guard.

“i meant it, you know,” you say. “i didn’t mean to worry you. i thought it would be an easy job.”

“who are you doing business with now? bailey again?”

“no.” you look down, surprisingly shameful. “it was just for myself. i needed out of the castle, and. . .” you shrug. “you know me. i can’t do anything easy.”

he scoffs. “yeah, i know.”

“so i’m sorry.”

draco closes his eyes and rubs his temples. the rings on his fingers glisten beneath the fancy lights. his knuckles pop, the veins in his arms protruding. “please stop apologising.”

you blink. “alright.”

“you act like i don’t understand why you’re doing all this, but i do.” he looks at you, hands dropping to his sides. “just because i don’t have to do it myself, doesn’t mean i don’t understand. why else do you think i haven’t stopped you?”

your breath catches. you raise a brow, tilting your head cruelly. “you wouldn’t have been able to stop me. you think i’d listen to you?”

“yeah. i think you would.”

you reel back, jaw dropping open. “excuse-”

“you always act like you hate me, but you forget you’ve been coming to my house for years. you forget i’ve known you since we were eleven. you forget that i don’t just put up with anyone. i’ve had time to figure you out, y/n, no matter how much you like to pretend i haven’t.” he folds his arms and leans against the door. his hair is rumpled, along with his shirt and jeans. so casual, so unlike himself. “but earlier on, in the dorms. . . you surprised me with that one.”

your stomach curls. oh, good god, he’s bringing that up now. you’re sat here with a busted chin and a potential criminal charge, and he’s bringing this up. you could headbutt him.

despite your glare, he continues. “i knew you didn’t hate me, but i never thought. . . i never thought you liked me, you know? especially not-”

“don’t say it.”

his lips twist. “i have to.”

“no you don’t.”

“do you love me?”

your heart falls into the pit of your stomach, which is answer enough for you. love is such a strong word, and you could easily say no, that what you feel for draco is nothing more than a little crush. he’s got the nice blue eyes, and the money, and the perfect hair. he’s got a smile that lights up rooms. it’s a crush. you fancy him, and that’s all there is to it.

but love sounds pretty accurate. more accurate, actually.

you swallow. draco watches the bob of your throat, and you watch his. above your head, the massive clock ticks, ticks, ticks.

slowly, he reaches forward and swipes his thumb over your chin. it stings just a little, but you’ve felt worse pain, so you let him do it without jerking away.

“cat got your tongue?” he whispers.

you shiver. “i don’t. . . i don’t know what you want me to say.”

“it’s not about what i want. i was asking a simple question. just give me the truth.”

“you want the truth?”

he inhales, hesitates, and then nods.

“yeah, draco,” you whisper. “i think i love you.”

slowly, draco draws away. his eyes never leave your own, that frosty blue colour reminding you of the winter sky, or a cold december morning. you remember all those christmas’s at hogwarts when draco would stay at the castle, waking him up because you thought it would annoy him to have your face be the first thing he sees. you always commented on the dreary smile that played on his lips when you did that, and he would always say, “i thought you were someone else.”

but that dreary smile is returning, pulling across his face, and it doesn’t falter. right now, there is no mistake. his eyes are on you, and he knows it is you, the person who has apparently made his life a living hell for so many years. you’re the ache in his spine, the one he can’t wait to get rid of.

but you’re also the one he rescued from the rain.

you’re the one who cursed hermione granger when she punched him in the nose.

you’re the one who’s just confessed your love to him.

shit.

“don’t look at me like that,” you say, voice hoarse. “don’t pretend you didn’t know.”

“i didn’t know,” he says immediately, like he’s desperate for you to know he was clueless. “did you know?”

“kind of. i wanted to ignore it-”

draco shakes his head, waving a dismissive hand. “no, no. did you know that i love you, too?”

you open your mouth, but no words come out. your brain just short circuits, taking a second to catch on to what he’s said. that dreary smile is still playing at his lips, and you’re waiting for the moment it turns into a sneer, a mocking little smirk.

it doesn’t.

“oh right,” you mumble. “no. i had no idea.” you pause. “are you taking the piss out of me?”

he laughs, a rare and pleasant sound. he approaches you, kneels at your side on the sofa and cups your head in his hands. you melt into him, even though every instinct in your body is telling you to pull away, to run away, because this is nothing more than false hope. he’s playing a trick on you. you’ve annoyed him to breaking point, and now he’s found the perfect chance for revenge.

but his hands are so warm, and nice, and your cheek dips into his palm so easily, like it belongs there.

“you’ve always been kind of not smart in my eyes,” he says.

your eyes widen. “hey!”

“kidding. i’m kidding.” he chuckles, running his thumb along your lower lip. “but you’re not doing your intelligence any justice right now. i thought i was making my feelings pretty clear.”

you glare; he knows full well he hasn’t made his feelings clear. neither of you have. you’ve spent the past seven years pretending to hate each other.

he grins. “okay, maybe i didn’t make it so easy. but you didn’t make it easy for me, either.”

“i still don’t believe you.”

he raises a brow. “why?”

you shrug. “it just doesn’t seem possible that someone like you could fall in love with someone like me.”

his eyes soften. “wow. maybe you are not very smart.”

before you have a chance to protest, he kisses you. just like that, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, or maybe like it’s an action he’s been waiting to do for years, and now he’s finally got the chance. that’s what it’s like for you, this coil unravelling in your gut after years and years and years of ignoring it’s existence.

you run your hands through his hair, tugging on those pesky strands at the back that always stick up because he refuses to wear anything other than collared shirts. he growls into your mouth, pulling you closer, closer, closer, until your legs are tangled with his, and his fingers are tracing a line down the centre of your throat. he stops at the hollow, just to feel the bob of your throat as nerves spiral through you. he grins against your mouth, pulling away to see the shock in your eyes.

he’s so proud of himself. he’s made you a mess.

you smile awkwardly, trying to regain some amount of composure. he watches you, heavy lidded, one hand still clutching your knee as the other curls around your throat, just where your neck and shoulders meet. the way he stares at you, it’s like he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it.

“so,” you begin. “you’re worry wasn’t actually just for your family name, was it?”

draco sighs, plonking his forehead against your own. “no, y/n, it wasn’t. my worry was losing you. which i very nearly did tonight.”

“don’t be so dramatic. i wouldn’t have died.”

“you could have.”

“but i wouldn’t have, because that guy was drunk, and a muggle, and-”

“are you two arguing again?”

you and draco jump apart as narcissa storms into the lounge, wand clutched to her chest. her narrowed eyes are firm on draco.

“i told you to keep them comfortable!” she exclaims. “can you not put your differences aside for ten minutes?”

you grin, teasingly running a finger along draco’s spine. “yeah draco. listen to mummy.”

he growls, but turns to narcissa and says, “sorry, mother. you know how y/n gets.”

“yes, i know,” narcissa mumbles. “but they’re injured. now, let me take this phone call, and then we’ll set up the guest bedroom. can i leave you alone for ten more minutes?”

“yes,” you and draco both reply immediately. narcissa hums, and walks out.

draco immediately spins, grabs your wrist and pulls you to him, slamming his lips to yours. you laugh against his mouth, melting into the embrace for only a second before pulling away and saying, “she’s trusting us to behave for ten more minutes, draco. this isn’t behaving.”

“oh, fuck that,” he scoffs. “come here.”

you let him pull you closer, closer than you have ever been with him before, because you’ve always been so convinced he never wanted you more than a few feet away from him. suddenly, everything draco has ever said to you is reconstructed in your mind, every action, every little look.

you wonder if he’s doing the same.

#harry potter #harry potter fanfic #harry potter fic #harry potter fanfiction #draco malfoy #draco malfoy fanfic #draco malfoy fic #draco malfoy fanfiction #hp fanfic #hp fanfiction #hp fic #hp #draco x reader

168 notes · View notes