#Idk ig I give off the energy of knowing a LOT about sex despite having very VERY little of it

[thateclecticbitch]

What is it about me that seems to make people think I am sexually experienced I am literally neither of those things.

[guavagyu]

red chardonnay - m.jh!

jun makes me so dizzy i swear

i luv jun!! his long bleached hair is SO pretty!! and w his glasses? oh lord im done for

also..i made a banner?!?!? im in a new era 😻 (jk im probably never going to make another)

tagging @hobihearteu cuz sub svt!!!!

i used a prompt generator for this </3 (i already put names in)

prompt: jun and y/n going back to one or the other's house after a date, where they eventually end up dry-humping on the couch. y/n only intends this as foreplay, but jun is already getting overwhelmed. y/n finds this amusing and endearing, leaning close to whisper something teasingly into jun's ear. It turns out that jun is more excited than y/n thought, and hits orgasm without any further stimulation, to the surprise of y/n and the embarrassment of jun. what happens next? 

thats literally the synopsis too ig^

wc: 1.2k

content: smut (duh, mdnI!), fluff, sooo domestic, jun is the sweetest boy ever i wanna wife him up, established relationship, mentions of alchohol consumption, softdom!reader, fem!reader (i don't think pronouns are used though), sub!jun, mommy kink, tall!reader (idk if its ever blatantly mentioned but its there ig), praise kink, brief degradation, dacryphilia, slight cockwarming, unprotected sex (dont do this), gagging (panties r shoved in juns mouth), fingering, nicknames (baby, love, whore, kitten, pretty boy, good boy, lover boy), brief possessiveness, no aftercare cuz it cuts off before then, lmk if theres more!

"junnie i can pay, it's okay!" you insisted, trying to tell the waiter to take your card instead of his,

"no i- sorry could you give us a second?" jun looked at the waiter who nodded and walked off, "baby please just let me cover tonight, i'm the one that took you out!"

"no i don't want you to keep spending this much money on me, can we just split it then?"

"y/n if i wasn't willing to spend money do you think i would've brought you here? and no, i'm paying," he said before calling the waiter back over to hand over his card, silently gloating at his victory. he loved taking care of you, even after dating you for so long, his feelings never changed. the waiter came back soon with the receipt, frowning at the sight of "garden salad, $19", the cheapest item on the menu. you tried to argue that you weren't super hungry and didn't want to eat that heavy, but he's known you for long enough that you just didn't want to make him spend money on things you don't believe should be over two dollars,

"okay, can we just go home now?" you sighed, thinking about how you could somehow slip a twenty into his pocket at some point, or in his wallet when he's not looking,

"sure, c'mon," holding out his hand, you took it, lacing your fingers together as he led you though the masses of people, finally reaching your car, you took the drivers seat, sitting down before shoving the key into the ignition. jun couldn't help but watch as your dress slid up your thighs, stopping just short of your underwear, as he nervously swallowed, feeling the blood flow to his dick as he wished you would never leave the lot and just fuck him till the sun rises. despite that wish, he knew it'd be much more comfortable for you to have his way with him once you returned home, out of public eye. the car home was quiet, except for some light music. he'd reached for your hand sometime during, and your hands have been on his thigh since then, fingers intertwined, dangerously close to his very obvious bulge. you must've noticed, there's no way you wouldn't have. the moment the car was turned off and you both made it inside your home he dragged you to the couch, sat you on his lap, and kissed you with energy he didn't know he had, the wine he'd drank earlier making his head buzz,

"you just had to look at my thighs and get hard didn't you, hm? couldn't help yourself?" you cooed at him, eyes giving him a look that made his dick twitch, lashes low and long,

"i'm sorry mommy, you're just so pretty," he moaned into your lips, wanting to feel every part of you that he could in that moment, he slipped into subspace so quickly, he was such a cutie. if you could, you'd save the image of his adorable face right now; swollen lips, pink cheeks, eyes hooded,

"hmm..what do you say we do about this then?" mentioning his hard dick, he started rubbing against your panties, his jeans rough against the fragile fabric. he could already feel the wet spot on his boxers, as well as your own seeping through his jeans. he moaned when you started grinding down on him in return, with you whispering how much of a good boy he was, how he was only yours and that nobody else could have him, soon your soft praises in his ear simply became too much, and without warning, he lit himself slip. and oh, you noticed,

"did my kitten just cum from a little humping?"

"mommy i'll do better i promise! i-" jun panicked, worrying about his mistake (which wasn’t considered one to you),

"shh, you don't need to apologize, pretty boy. you're adorable, you know that?" you smiled down at him lazily, loving how his pink cheeks darkened even further, "wanna take this to the bedroom?"

"yes please," he nodded, eyes never leaving yours, making you give him a quick kiss before taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom, before asking him to sit on the bed, taking off his clothes and discarding them on the floor before removing your own as well. you hastily kissed him, need overcoming your body as he returned the kiss with the exact same energy, perhaps even more. as you made out for who knows how long, you felt your wetness seep down your thighs, some dripping onto jun’s too. he must’ve noticed, as he gathered some on his fingers before putting those said fingers inside of you, catching you off guard. you bucked your hips slightly before getting used to the new pleasure, soon you were getting close, too close. you gently took his wrist and pulled his fingers out of you, “what’s wrong?”

“nothing junnie, just wanna finish with you,” you gave him a kiss, him chasing after you when you pulled away, making you giggle. when you slid on top of him, he let out the cutest moan, making you shove your slick panties in his mouth on impulse, jun letting out another moan at the taste, “my pretty whore,” it had slipped out, but when it did, you couldn’t help but notice how his dick twitched inside of you and how his hands on your waist trembled in the slightest. you figured you had tortured him enough bu staying still for so long, so you started riding him at a slower pace, making him moan at the sudden stimulation, feeling the sensitivity lunge at him,

“mommyyy,” jun whined out, his hips bucking up at the feeling of you clenching around him,

"yes, junnie?" you whispered softly as you pressed a kiss to his hair,

"mommy i'm so close, can i cum please?" he whimpered, his hands squeezing at your waist, his eyes had glazed over, tears pooling. the sight made a shiver ride up your spine, and you pressed yet another kiss to his nose,

"wait a little for me pretty boy," which made him desperate to get you to cum so he could as well, he occasionally bucked up his hips and traced circles over your clit, making you jump just the slightest bit, "my lover boy's so impatient, isn't he? hm? so eager to make me cum so he doesn't have to wait?"

"yes mommy, i can't hold it much longer please let me cum mommy!" he cried out, tears flowing down his cheeks, nose sniffling slightly,

"yes pretty boy, you can cum my love. you've done so good for mommy," you pepper soft kisses all over his face before finally stopping at his lips as you cum together, jun moaning into you as his dick twitches, as you ride through your orgasm and help him through his, you press one final kiss to his forehead, "i love you junnie,"

"i love you too mommy," he whispered into your neck, but soon said, "can we go clean up now?" making you laugh breathily and get up to go clean yourselves, smiling the whole way.

---

© guavagyu 2023. all rights reserved. plagiarization, reposting, translating, and/or rewriting ANY and ALL of my works is prohibited.

[reversecreek]

lily for magda (thinking about figs feeling evil), tulip for cricket, marigold for ziggy, chrysanthemum for bradley, belladonna for nyla

lily :   how does your muse view their mother ?  

magda doesn’t know a lot abt her mum. she knows vague snippets n details bt they’re all very elusive. it’s kind of a tricky subject where her mum’s concerned bc when she was younger she’d come up w all these assumptions abt how her mum was n who she’d be if she were with her but the rational part of magda was like..... u don’t know any of this. ur literally making things up. it’s kind of hard for a kid to have that vital person missing from their life n to resist the urge to fill in the blanks with their own projections so the space feels less empty. it’s like having a tooth missing n ur tongue always going back to poke at the spot in ur gum. there’s a constant reminder of loss in that. magda knows her mum liked to sing bc her dad said once she’d always sing to her belly when she was pregnant. this is a lot of the reason why magda has always cared so much abt music bc she took this fact in her fist n grasped it tight n never let go n in a way grew parts of herself around it. it’s like............. i feel like her mum dying in childbirth gave her lots of issues when it comes to her identity n like. who she is n who she wants to be.......... bc of magda’s issues w her dad i feel like she got into this habit growing up of rly putting who her mum could have been on a pedestal n basing everything around that.... she’d be like I’m More Like Her (a belief which was only accelerated bc her dad would drunkenly say she looked so much like her) n cling onto that so she liked herself more bc the other option was her dad who she loves but he’s also an incredibly flawed person n they hv a complicated relationship...... i think as she’s gotten older she’s realised her mum cld very well have been that way too n putting people on pedestals isn’t the way to go about things but. idk. as a kid she was kind of obsessed w this idea of her n this idea that her mum being gone was the beginning n end of everything wrong in her life. for the most part now magda accepts she never knew her n sometimes even feels stupid for grieving her at all bc she never knew her to grieve in the first place but. there’s a tiny part of magda tht still hangs on to the comfort of what she could have had n it’s obvious by the fact she still keeps a photograph of her folded up in her pillow. she loves the mum she made up in her head n she wishes she got to meet her. there’s this sense tht maybe then she wouldn’t feel like this culmination of missing parts more than a person if she’d had that in her life. sighs n lks away holding my dyed black emo bang.....

tulip :   how does your muse view people in general ?  

cricket is like. the strangest little anomaly of a person FGHKSFGHSFKGH bc like. u would rly think that after everything he’s been thru he would just have this absolutely jaded view of people and life in general and i wouldn’t even......... blame him for it if he did like. i’d understand completely bc he’s experienced A Lot of bad stuff. n yet somehow he just.... idk. i think i wrote in a reply once this comparison of cricket n a cockroach in the sense that they have this incredibly reinforced exoskeleton n even if they’re stomped flat they can keep living n bounce back from it n that’s very him but it’s more specifically the hope inside him. he has this little candle lit that good things can still happen midst all of the terrible things n i genuinely can’t see it snuffing out at any point even tho sometimes he might want it to. sometimes i think he even gets into these frames of mind where it jst infuriates the fk out of him bc in his head he’s like why do u even think good shit can happen when u have sm overwhelming evidence to the contrary but then he’s also like. look u can dwell on the bad or u can notice the way the light falls thru the leaves in the trees and u can think to urself inside ur head as u listen to someone u love talking abt something that makes them happy ‘hey this feeling is nice n there’s a dozen others like it’. idk. against all odds he’s an optimist. he has tinnitus in his left ear n sometimes he pretends the ringing is angels trying to talk to him. he likes to search for the silver linings in things to make them bearable n that’s how he gets by. obviously he knows there’s evil in the world n that a lot of people can be shit bc he has firsthand experience w that but he also believes there are people to serve as the antithesis to that n he wants to focus on them bc like. why give bad stuff the time of day. not necessarily always a positive coping mechanism (if u bottle up bad feelings n thoughts they leak thru one way or another aka his overwhelming anxiety) but like.... i think there’s a lot of bravery in that n i respect him for it i won’t lie. he cld have become very bitter bt instead he’s like that quote that’s like 'the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it'. suddenly slaps his little anxious rump (supportive) (affectionate)

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ?  how might they handle envious feelings ?  

it’s hard to say w ziggy............... i feel like he doesn’t want to think he’s prone to jealousy bc he’s like i’m literally a god wdym i simply wld never give a fk bc i know i’m above all else................. but like. do u actually believe that ziggy. do u. FKGJHKSJGHFGSHFGKSHGKFHG. he’s good at convincing himself at least........... has me fooled too most of the time. bt. thinks abt this.............. i feel like he doesn’t tend to get jealous over ppl he hooks up w a lot of the time bt there’s definitely a few select ppl he might.......... n then he doesn’t rly know what that feeling is bc he’s so unused to feeling it so he’s like wtf why am i so fking pissed off over the thought of this person fking that person? like literally doesn’t even. connect the dots n make the logical conclusion bc it jst seems so bizarre n nonsensical to him. rly is awful at working out his own feelings like. he cld just suddenly explode one day n have to smash a bunch of shit in a junkyard n after his chest is heaving n he has all this broken stuff around him n he’s just like yo wtf was that man forreal lmfaoooooooooo..... like he just doesn’t even get how his own emotions work it’s tragic n it’s men for u. w anxious feelings he represses them a lot he doesn’t rly understand what they r or know how to recognise them........... i honestly feel like he has a lot of anxiety surrounding his mum esp w her dating n like some of the guys they’ve both had to deal w that she’s dated in the past.......... i doubt he processes that healthily or expresses it healthily either..... probably contributes to the tensions between him n his mum they hv a lot of underlying issues that come out in the form of bickering n petty disagreements...... probably a huge contributor to him acting out so terribly in high skl was just all this pent up worried energy with no means of making sense of itself or like. place to go. like shaking a coke bottle over n over n finally having to crack the lid n let it fizz on something. i also think he probably swallowed a lot of jealousy growing up whenever other kids had gd relationships w their fathers or parents in general probably ws kind of like lmfaooooo yo why don’t mine love me like that. in his head...... so ya. i think he copes w anxious feelings by acting out n also fucking if we’re being honest......... it helps him let off steam <3 king of clapping cheeks ig....

chrysanthemum :   how does your muse express romantic love ?  how do they feel about love as a concept ?  

bradley is kind of hard to read romantically like from an outside perspective but slides on my thin rimmed spectacles n picks up my scalpel to delve right in to the nitty gritty of her brain... omg... that sounded... kind of scary actually but. it’s ok. basically settles in. bradley struggles to verbalise her feelings in this regard but also in a general sense honestly.... like she’s spent a lifetime having any vulnerable or negative feeling shut down....... her dad’s the type of personality where it’s like... u can’t win. even tho he’s narcissistic n thinks he’s a god if u compliment him or express affection he’ll act pleased but there’ll also be this register in his eyes where he thinks less of u for it. so this rly had a domino effect in bradley’s emotional expression in all grounds of life...... romance is probably the most frivolous concept to tony so bradley definitely internalised some of these views n wld feel stupid for ever taking anything seriously in that regard or rly investing herself..... she also just. idk. love has only ever left bite marks in bradley’s world so she’d kind of like ‘why wld i ever expose my tender spots n open myself up to someone just so they can sink their teeth in’. i will say tho that like. despite that she can in rare instances develop those feelings n it’s always like..... quite a struggle for her when she does. she doesn’t rly understand it or how to deal w it. she finds talking about it hard n she feels childish or weak in the eyes of whoever knows how she’s feeling. it takes a long time n a lot of work to earn it bt bradley in love is like. ur the only person on the planet who knows how gentle she can b. she’d literally like. touch the face of this one guy i wrote her being in love w when he was sad so gently it was shocking it ws like a love tht deep unlocked a whole other part of her she didn’t know existed. sex is a big part of her love expression jst like. a lot of it. so much. JHGSFKHGSFGKHFKGSHG let’s get it.......... she’s a ride or die n doesn’t do anything in halves. she has a nasty habit of pushing good things away n also wld probably do this to protect the other person bc her world is a never ending shit show with her father’s presence in every room even when he isn’t physically there. she wldn’t wna subject someone she loved to the danger of that bc she hates it enough herself so. idk. smiles w hand on hip. love isn’t something bradley thinks is on the menu fr her bc she’s only ever known it to be hard or mean n why bother trying when that’s the case. it feels like there’s always small print attached tht will hurt her in the end n nothing is free or genuine. very doomed outlook on love in general tbh.

belladonna :   how does your muse respond to silence ?   do they take comfort in soundlessness ,   or seek to fill the void with noise ?  

nyla honestly doesn’t mind silence at all........ they always wake up rly early in the morning no matter what time they went to bed. it’s like someone programmed an oven timer into their brain n often when they wake up at 6am or something they’ll go on walks around irving tottering in their own little world which is quite a quiet experience in itself when the rest of the world’s asleep........... always off on impromptu adventures they came up w on the spot.......... sometimes they get lost in their own train of thought too so they just randomly fall silent bc they’re having a whole conversation w themselves inside their head or like. writing a whole children’s story abt an iguana in a trench coat floating in a hot air balloon smoking a little vintage pipe all the way to peru. honestly for every 1 thing nyla says there’s about 4987295749572592745 things they don’t say tht are x100 times stranger n more nonsensical they sort of let it all drift thru their head like an open sieve for the most part. having said tht i think in order to sleep at night they probably need some sort of white noise or smthn................. it’s handy living in a beach house bc they just leave the window open to let the ocean gush bt sometimes if they’ve snuck into like. mido’s bed fr the night or someone’s bed idk the sound of them breathing works too................. they used to always sleep w bob ross playing on loop n that was rly comforting to them esp bc he reminds them a lot of their dad w his calming voice n energy.............. sometimes they’d have taken smthn n they’d literally hallucinate it as their dad instead of bob ross n this happened so many times in a row fr a period of time tht when they finally watched it sober they were like wtf since when did they recast my dad in this show...... KJHFGSHFGKSHFKGH but also. frowns... bit sad considering. 

[fishtalking]

as always I’m thinking too much and need to get it out of my brain already before I explode

I really need to call the therapist tomorrow bc I just need to get perspective on this? and I don’t want to tell my friends about this anymore. I feel insufferable bringing it up w my church friends and I don’t think I can ever tell riel about this unless.. idk. even if kiba was ok w it would I tell them? it doesn’t seem like kiba told riel anything so idk

I feel bad for not really being able to be honest with riel or kiba anymore. especially riel. I feel like there was something like very open honesty when I first became friends w riel bc I was also going thru kiba problems and being able to commiserate w them about it helped. we meshed so well and then as kiba and I got closer ig I didn’t feel right about that anymore? I wanted to keep us drama free as possible but mmgh.. as always I just forgot how they have feelings too. I should know how worrisome things are if you lack information and yet I just did the same thing

and the thing is that I really want to talk about it! not the Incident but like. in general. I hope to god that riel doesn’t feel like I’m just talking to them now bc I don’t have kiba to talk to. I don’t ever want them to feel like I’m taking advantage of them. I don’t want to take advantage of anybody!! I want to be able to be honest with my friends and like. idk. share more of myself I guess. Friendship is give and take and I can’t offer to listen to anybody’s problems if I don’t make myself vulnerable either. I honestly know exactly what I need to dicuss with both of my friends. I need to talk to riel about kiba and about Us and I need to talk to kiba about just. the turmoil I’ve been going through I guess. something like that?

The things I need to talk to riel about: do they feel taken advantage of? Do they think I like kiba better than them? did they think we would get together? are they afraid they’ll get left behind? am I being a bad friend. 

I always want to get closer to riel but I really do wonder if I like kiba better sometimes. liking kiba better is.. not the right way to say it tho. they just require different energies. kiba can be easier to talk to just bc he’s fun and simple while riel can get real negative sometimes. but at the same time riel’s never made me feel real uncomfortable the way kiba can sometimes. we’re on the same page more often than not about how we feel about sex and relationships and friendships and stuff and it’s fun to know how similar we are and learn how different we are as our friendship develops. I can’t rly empathize w the parts of them that are suffering but I still want to be someone they can lean on for support. I want to be friends w them still and idk how it’s going to go if I eventually stop being friends w kiba bc of what happened. I don’t know how nervous they might feel about the fact that we’re taking a break or if they’re wondering about it at all. Somehow I don’t really know how riel feels about things and I’m ?? about how I should move forward. I don’t know if the wisest thing is to tell them I might not remain friends w kiba bc like. obviously.

I’m just apprehensive because I’ve already caused some rift between riel and kiba and I don’t want to be the cause of any more. when I first became friends w them I felt so safe because I figured I wouldn’t be that important to either of them? they would be best friends w each other and I’d be someone fun they’d talk to every once in a while. I wouldn’t have to compete for anything bc there would be no competition. now I’m.. something else. maybe I’m arrogant for thinking that but still. I’m in unfamiliar territory again and I can’t say it doesn’t scare me. 

I don’t want the only reason I consider riel to be out of guilt bc I think about kiba more. I want to be a better friend for them

it’s funny I should feel that same pit of the stomach feeling when they talka bout friends they’re closer to than we are but I should just see it as the friendship stability thing again right? but I’m not sure if it’s rly the same.. maybe it is

it’s funny how riel still manages to be more honest about their feelings than kiba, who’s still much more honest than I am

Things I need to talk to kiba about: god so many things. too many things. guilt. our friendship. pulling the stops if it comes down to it. my own feelings about it? whether it’s fair to either of us to continue this

I miss him but honestly like.. how much do I really? it’s no lie that a lot of stuff about him made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable just purely in terms of sex alone. he’s.. idk if he’s stagnant rn but he’s definitely not in a place in life where he inspires me to work harder and grow the way riel does. I don’t feel like I’m talking to someone older than I am when I talk to him sometimes. he’s just.. really childish in a lot of ways and I need him to not be that way if we’re going to continue our friendship. I need him to.. not be him?? which lmfao is something I absolutely could not ask of anybody ever. even if he got a job and a car and whatever so what. I don’t want to stay with somebody whose maturity doesn’t grow. I’m plenty impulsive myself and I don’t need someone who exacerbates that me 

honestly when I think about just not being friends w him anymore I feel such a sensation of relief that it makes me really wonder if it’s worth it to go on!! like ya I’d lose a lot but really I just want to stay friends w riel. but if I ended up losing riel.. ?? but like. idk. if I started to affiliate w so and so would it just get complicated. I don’t know!!!! it just seems like a fucking shame but I also can’t hold onto anybody just because I get annoyed at the apparent one-year expiration date on my friendships

I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. with luke I felt regret but not guilt. with kiba and riel I always feel guilt. guilt, guilt, overwhelming guilt, all the fucking time and I’m sick of it! I should be friends with my friends because I like having fun with them, not because I feel some weird obligation to be a good friend for some reason or another. when the hell did I become so guilt-ridden? it’s like I’m getting eaten up from the inside by piranhas or something. I’m going to get an ulcer from all of this

so if I continue being friends w kiba I don’t want to feel guilt anymore. I don’t want to feel guilt from myself and I don’t want to feel guilt from him either. I can’t stay in a friendship that’s steeped with guilt and shame all the time anymore. it’ll just tie us together in tangled knots in the worst ways possible and I won’t have any of that in my life anymore

I don’t like the path that we’re headed down if things continue the way they do. The weird kind of emotional codependency is definitely rearing its head and we need to pull a full stop if it does. I want to be honest!! I want to tell kiba exactly how I feel and break down why there is so much of this guilt with him. I want the words to come out of my fucking mouth instead of getting stuck in there like some fish bone in my throat. I’ll let him make his own decisions about how I’ve been feeling so far and I’ll let him as his own questions

I’m still not sure if full disclosure is the best way to go about it. despite everything I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to tell him about these toxic thoughts I’ve had and have him hate me. I don’t want to tell him how school shit is still hanging over my head because I thought I would succeed but he ruined part of it for me. the college tuition. my efforts. I didn’t fucking study for it anyway and I gave up but I whether it was of my own volition is just up in the fucking air (but not really but maybe partly) and can I forgive him?? can I remain friends w him without forgiving him?? would it be fair to either of us (read: no, esp if I TELL him I haven’t forgiven him)  but what is the right answer!! I have so much bottled inside of me and I wish to god there was just a right way to do things or at the very least that I was a little more upfront and decisive instead of waffling around should I’s and should I not’s over and over again until my eyeballs bleed

I just don’t!! want to feel guilt anymore!! no more guilt no more guilt!!! there’s no way me and kiba could possibly be and item now and I just have to accept it. no more romance. no more love swirling around. this is my firm decision. I’ll tell kiba that we just cannot and that he has to move on from me. even if I think to myself “there’s no telling what the future will bring” right now, at this moment, I have to completely shut the lid on this possibility. too fucking bad, me. maybe it would have been fun to try but right now? you have to cut it out like a festering limb. I have a bad feeling about it and no matter how much it smarts it’s just what has to happen for now. I have no idea still how kiba fell in love w me in less than a year and I have no idea if he hasn’t put me on a pedestal or something. either way I don’t have a good feeling about it, I never felt 100% good about it, and the best thing to do with how we are now is to snip it off at the bud. I don’t want to think about the imbalance that we have in terms of how we feel our feelings, the imbaalnce we have in terms of sexual needs, the imbalance we have in terms of our own stability as people. it’s bad real estate and I have to make the decision to end it.

maybe I’ll feel better about just being friends if I no longer have to think about romance anymore. honestly the fucking love triangle or whatever this thing could possibility be called has been the biggest source of stress for me and I’m done with the guilt it produces like a fucked up natural resource. I’m not mining for any of this guilt anymore. it’s not fun, it’s never been fun, and I don’t know why I’ve let myself suffocate in this cave anymore. the canary died years ago and also I am that canary because I let myself keep going even tho the end evidently lead to my becoming a very dead corpse!

and I can’t really be that mad at myself. it was a learning experience to the very end and I know I’ll always be grateful to the both of them the same way I am grateful to luke. I’ve never experienced people’s feelings like this before and it’s been invaluable to learn so much no matter how it might end. maybe love isn’t an impossibility for me but this flavor is something I don’t want to pursue anymore. it’s chaining us down and I would like nothing more than to free us, myself included. and at least if I take this step I’ll be guilt free!! like there will be no reason for me to stress out about it anymore bc at that point it won’t be my responsibility anymore. all I can do is keep myself unchained and I can’t do anything about what they ultimately decide to do themselves.

I’ve been so uncertain about what to do that making the decision to end this is. I’m not sure if I can call it a relief yet. there’s still an inkling of something but like I can’t bear to think about the alternative anymore. I can’t bear thinking that I’m taking advantage of kiba or riel, I can’t bear the burden of this guilt anymore, and none of this is fun! none of this is fun at all!!!

so this is it. I’m still young. whatever happens, happens. but right now all I want to do is keep my friends and have fun with them. five months is more than long enough. no matter how much I might think “who knows that the future will bring” right now, I have to end it. I already said that but I need to emphasize that to myself again. and maybe say it to kiba too. it’s an acknowledgment of the uncertain future but a firm declaration of my resolution now.

if kiba finds someone else.. I know I’ll be jealous. I always am of my friend’s other relationships. I end up wanting to be the most important, more special. it’s the ugliest part of me, the part of me that wants the deepest affection no matter how evident it is that it’s really not the best course of action at all. so I’ll just get over it like an adult. kiba’s already had his hookup with someone else and no matter how I felt about it then, I have to get over it now. A long time ago I might have wanted to have fun w him but now that’s not an option anymore. that’s okay. and honestly, I know feeling jealous is just normal. of course I’d feel jealous, especially with the way friendships like this have come to mean to me. but living means accepting it and moving on. I really can’t have everything. nobody can. 

If we all move on I’ll feel happy for kiba and I’ll feel happy for myself. I’ll find that gratitude of mine for all the people I love in this world. no matter what happens I know I’ll love them the same way I love all the people who’ve touched my life so far. no matter how my feelings shift and change about kiba being my brother or not or whatever, I’ll still have that love of mine

and that’s how I want to feel!! I want to think of nothing but the warmest love when I think of my friends. I want to love riel and I want to love kiba and I want to tell them that freely. I want to hold that love in my heart always instead of this guilt that festers like an infection inside of my ribs. These friendships can’t continue if guilt is the main thing I feel from them. 

I hope to god that I don’t lose whatever feelings I’m having rn when I wake up tomorrow because despite feelings like an idiot for so long I feel slightly less without direction than I did just a few moments ago. I’ve picked a direction and now I need to walk it no matter what happens. there’s no way to pick a “right” direction anyway, so I need to pick the one that makes me feel better in the end.

I’m still not sure how my friendship w kiba will pan out. maybe this is something I have to consider again now that I’ve chosen a Path. I should talk to him about this guilt I’m feeling and the reason why I’m putting an end to the romantic stuff between us. the guilt is because I felt like I was taking advantage of him, because sometimes I felt like taking advantage of him, and feelings like that scared me. knowing how differently we feel things scared me. none of this felt fair to him but also me from the very beginning. should I talk to him about riel? it still doesn’t feel right to just talk about it so I’ll ask riel if it’s okay first. open communication is important! so maybe I’ll talk to riel first and then I’ll talk to kiba this weekend? as soon as possible either way, so I don’t lose my grip on my decision to End things

I still need to decide how much I’m going to tell. I can’t let “how much is appropriate to tell” to be the main thought in my head anymore because I’ll never come to a decision if I do. I have to decide what info I’m going to say and stick by it. 

everything up until now has happened bc I was too fucking pussy to talk to it w kiba or riel and honestly? no matter how much the incident fucked me up thank fucking god that one thing good (or at least PRACTICAL) is coming out of it. fucking silver lining!! there’s the silver string I’m so good at finding

god I can’t wait to get this chapter of our lives done and over with already. there will always be new problems as I learn more about people and break out of this naive shell I live in but I’m ready to stop shriveling in one continuous problem like some fucked up pickle. what a relief? is it a relief yet. only time will tell. but Knowing that I’ve picked a direction for myself feels so much more practical than torturing myself with uncertainty

I still have that glaring hole of non-resolution. am I going to keep being friends w kiba when I haven’t forgiven him yet. money is still a big deal. it’s kind of a big deal that I want to just not want to be friends w him anymore. honestly it’s the same deal where I just need to make a fucking decision.

if I decide not to be friends with him anymore it’s definitely something I will have to talk to riel about. I’d tell riel that if kiba want to tell them what happened then they can ask him. I’m not sure if we could rly remain friends like the way they can perhaps remain friends w kiba but that’s rly not up to me to presume. whether I’m right or wrong isn’t my responsibility. I would just ask them to decide if they want to continue being friends with me. it doesn’t feel fair to put this burden on them but I don’t see what else I could do without falling into the pit of feelings responsible for other people again.

and that’s the thing. I feel responsible for kiba’s family etc again and that’s the biggest thing that’s tripping me up. which is ridiculous? I don’t have any obligation towards anyone and he doesn’t have any obligation towards me. no matter how much fun we might have had, if it’s not fun anymore then it’s just not fun anymore. I could just keep the break longer but that’d just be the last five months all over again. 

I don’t. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore. I want to stay friends but I want to not be friends more than I want to be friends. this sucks!!! I wanted things to work out but if my college tuition wasn’t such a fucking issue I wouldn’t be going thru the turmoil that I am right now. 

maybe what I need to do first is sit my mom down first and tell her the truth of what happened. it’s been a long time coming anyway. I need to tell her what happened to her money, if we’ll be okay, everything. there’s really no other way for it. even if it ends up being okay will I be able to forgive him?

I think I’m approaching this the wrong way tho. I keep asking myself if I can forgive him like I’m trying to force it so I can just make it okay for us to be friends again. I need to stop asking myself that. first I need to resolve this with my mom and see if she forgives me. this whole money issue is something I have to work out in myself.

this is something I’ve been wondering so long if it’s the best idea to bring up with kiba. it’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t want anybody to have that hanging over their head. I said no guilt!! but isn’t it like lying if I keep this from him. this is ultimately.. something I very much want to talk to a therapist about so I’ll save it in the questions vault.

so, new resolution: talk to mom first, then maybe riel if the time allows for it. call the therapist. schedule an appointment, talk about it maybe once or twice. and get straight to the point too, so I don’t waste any time. no matter what happens, overall I’ve decided to cut out all romantics out of this group dynamic. I’ve decided on it and I’m going to stick by it. I’ll be less flirtatious or however I come off as if required but when it comes down to it I am cutting it out of my life.

things will alsways change. things will pass and things will come into being and no matter what I’ll always learn from it. I’ve been cut off before, this time I might have to learn to do the same. who knows. at least there will be some sort of closure. none of us have any obligation to each other and I want them to be selfish too. I want kiba and riel for the both of them to take care of themselves. I want to take care of myself. I want to lear. I want to grow. I want to be ok

and I will be. I’ll be fine. everything’s going to be okay in the end. I’ve still got my love for the world and I’m not going to lose it.

I hope everything’s going to be ok? everything’s gonna be ok!! it’ll be fine. snzzzz.