#ITLL KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT IF I DONT KNOW

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

i have to know who sent me this please gen begging i have to know

“no offense or anything” bbg this is the opposite of insulting i genuinely cried laughing my stomach hurts ouch

anon dm me or smth n tell me who you are please i love you so much this is hilarious

you and your friend have top notch humor ilysm

[jewishdainix]

Not to be dramatic but youll never find the answers till you set your old heart free. Not to be dramatic but when youll lay me down youll only bury bones. Not to be dramatic but cold is the night without you here. Not to be dramatic but heartbreak pales in comparison to love. Not to be dramatic but we were young when we heard you call our names in the silence. Not to be dramatic but like the dawn you broke the dark and my whole earth shook. Not to be dramatic but shell eat you alive. Not to be dramatic but you gotta go on farther than youll ever know. Not to be dramatic but there wasnt any water in the wishing well. Not to be dramatic but if you leave before the stars then there was never love at all. Not to be dramatic but the truth became a tool. Not to be dramatic but still you lead me. Not to be dramatic but all the days of our delights are poison in my veins. Not to be dramatic but they were pointing ever east to see the ever turning eaon cease. Not to be dramatic but rise up to meet it o sleeper awake. Not to be dramatic but heartache Ive heard is part of life and I have broken more and more. Not to be dramatic but it was the raging storm of a foreign war. Not to be dramatic but these bones never rested while living so how can they stand to languish in repose. Not to be dramatic but there will come a soldier who carries a mighty sword. Not to be dramatic but I know who you are now I name you my enemy. Not to be dramatic but theres a wind alive in the valley itll fill your lungs if youll have it. Not to be dramatic but still you beat your drum raising holy wars with every strum. Not to be dramatic but innocent or not youre not a bet I care to take. Not to be dramatic but I babel on until my voice is gone. Not to be dramatic but every inhale I take swallows the ocean whole and I am one with the hurricane. Not to be dramatic but itll rain for forty days and nights and nothing you do can slow the rising tides. Not to be dramatic but by god Ill bloody up my hands with everything I am to cut away the mountains I made and fill the dales bellow. Not to be dramatic but leave it alone child and let it grow. Not to be dramatic but she finishes her cake and takes a bite out of mine. Not to be dramatic but Ive seen the line of ocean and shore the tumbling tide of water and soil. Not to be dramatic but you were the song that Id always sing you were the light that the fire would bring. Not to be dramatic but you paved your hades with precious stone. Not to be dramatic but what other lapis lazuli was hiding behind my colour blindness. Not to be dramatic but promise me that youll start where I end and I promise to give you everything that I am and will go on and on and on. Not to be dramatic but it could feel like rebirth out of some kind of dying to see yourself so glowing. Not to be dramatic but if I'm a mountain moving I think maybe you can be too. Not to be dramatic but we keep fixing what we know is only bound to break. Not to be dramatic but weather by accident or fotune you and I we are matter and it matters. Not to be dramatic but all your sums and your pieces are enough to clean up all the messes youve made I think that youre worth keeping around I think youre worth holding on to. Not to be dramatic but Ill go on and on and on again if my chest dont cave in.

[dreamlanddeluxe]

pro-tip from someone who has had stretches pf insomnia like this since high school: (bc your posts makes it sound like a new development and like youre scared, so i want to help. sorry this unsolicited)

but literally?? fake it

fake sleeping. youre going to lie down, close your eyes, shift when youre uncomfortable, but keep your eyes closed and stay laying down. try to keep your mind as blank as possible, thats really hard for me specifically, so i legit will listen to videos or podcasts or music or ocean-waves as i fake-sleep (bonus, i found something that works for me 60, 70% of the time are those ASMR roleplay videos where it'll be like "your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to you while you sleep" or "you get confessed to while youre asleep" or literally anything where i have to "roleplay" being asleep?? weirdly? flips a switch and ill be KOed before the video ends. what the fuck. but thats niche as hell, idk if itll work for you, but it is an "experiment! you never know" encouragement)

and youre going to want to fake-sleep as best as you can, even if youre actually awake the whole 8+ hours, because it legit tricks your brain into thinking youre asleep enough that it gives you those chemicals you need from sleeping that help regenerate your energy and whatnot. like scientists found this works really well, insomniacs who did this instead of their phone or tasks or reading, even if they rarely fell asleep while fake-sleeping, not only recorded feeling a lot better than the control group who was not given this order to sleep like this, but also had more balanced chemical stuff. i like to akin ir to a cell-phone charge. youre not going to get the 100% you would from actually sleeping, but going from a 20% to a 65% is still p huge and very helpful. before i was told this tip, i literally would meditate to recoup; and shockingly meditation releases those same chemicals so like. i was already doing it. just. sitting up instead of laying down lol

also, please do talk to a doctor about getting a sleep study done or something if you have the insurance to afford it. but this is a tip you can do in the meantime in addition to other experimentations thatll help you out. youll still feel exhausted (esp if you cant quiet your brain. my AuDHD mind shuts the fuck when other people speak, so the audio-roleplay and podcast and video-essay people have been god-sends), you won't be that 100% refresh as i already said, but it also wont be AS compounded of an exhaustion which is so helpful when your metaphorical battery is just going down and down and down— to have SOMETHING charge it even a bit or just stall it. i dont want you to think this is a "youll feel back to normal!" cure-all; it truly is the epitome of a "well, thatll help it not get WORSE at any rate, and maybe a bit better" type of rhetoric

for now, i would recommend doing a fake-nap, pick x-amount of hours that feels most comfortable to you (my pick is usually 3 or 4, but my lil sister found she prefers 2 hour long fake-naps and my other lil sister just goes "fuck it, no fake-nap, only fake-sleep; im doing 8+ hours" lmao), see if it at least takes the edge off

i have said a lot of "temper your expectations" type of stuff but i will also say this: at one point, this tip literally saved my life. because i spent 2.5 months running on a total of 4 to 6 hours of legit-sleep per week or per week-and-a-half throughout. and that kinda shit, i belatedly found out, should mean i should be dead. but i was fake-sleeping at least 5 hours a night. and my family's doctor went "uhhhhh thank god i showed your mom that study i guess, omfg". so like. i swear it helps. just. ALSO temper your expectations on how much it helps lol

if this is unsolicited and feels unwarranted, i apologize. im not good at reading tone in text, and just wanted to help. i hope this does help you out, you got this, i believe in you!!

Hey no worries, I appreciate you taking the time to type all this out. Recently (like, within the past one to two years or so) I’ve been more prone to bouts of restlessness and the fake sleeping is actually something I practice and it does help me most of the time. I think right now it’s more of a stress induced sort of thing more than anything that’s led to me having more trouble. Might just be one of those things I gotta wait out to be honest. When I do have a moment where I can’t sleep right it doesn’t last more than a few days normally so I don’t imagine this being different I hope. Maybe seeing a doctor would help but I’ll be honest there’s a probably a few things I should be seeing a doctor about and I just don’t have the money for that lol. But still like I said I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me out and offer some advice that’s very kind of you 🫶

[bluepeanutpirate]

Supercorp omorashi imagines: Kara

-Kara wets her bed for the first time ever on her second night in the Danvers house. First night she doesn't sleep. Second night she wakes up from a nightmare about krypton exploding, crying and shaking- and then realises that the bed around her is wet and she's so unused to this that her first thought is that it's BLOOD- and it's not until Eliza is coaxing her up and reassuring her that accidents happen to everyone and it's ok, it wasn't her fault, that she realises what has happened. Alex wakes up and looks over to her from the other bed but even she can't make fun of this. Kara is humilated even so.

-Even worse though is when she wakes up from her bad dreams dry and absolutely squirming with need- because it's all to fresh for her to be able to face getting out of bed and venturing into the dark room to get to the toilet, so she's hunched up in a ball, holding herself and whimpering and just praying she'll hold out til morning- except all too soon she can feel warm wetness leaking into her pajamas and she's so so embarassed at not being able to hold it because she's not even asleep. The next morning Eliza asks if she had another bad dream and Kara just nods because she cannot admit that she had an accident while awake.

-Mostly Alex sleeps through it but one night she wakes up and goes to Kara's bed to check on her...and Kara is almost begging Alex to go back to bed because she knows what's going to happen. And when Alex asks if she needs the bathroom or something because of how wriggly she is, Kara just hastily shakes her head because she can't let Alex know that she's already leaking. Alex figures she's wet the bed and offers to help her change her bed so they don't have to wake Eliza and Kara just keeps shaking her head because she doesn't want Alex to see how weak she is.

-As she gets older, her bedwetting (awake and asleep) becomes much less frequent....but when she moves into her loft, she still has a plastic cover on the mattress because she knows it's not absolutely impossible that she'll either wake up wet or wake up too scared to move until morning. she's wet alex's bed when sleeping over once or twice but they're both used to it enough that it's not a huge deal anymore- kara knows alex isn't going to laugh at her.

-Her powers do make her able to hold much, more longer than most people can but she's not totally immune to needing to pee. And when her powers burn out fir the first time it takes her...a bit of time and adjustment to understand that she's going to need to go more often if she doesn't want some embarassing accidents: she's watching a movie with Alex the first time and is kind of aware she needs to go but she's sure it's not serious because c'mon- and then suddenly she realises she really DOES need to go when she feels a leak as she's laughing at something. She slams her legs together and awkwardly hurries to the toilet but by the time she makes it there, there's a sizable wet patch and Alex is confronted with something she hasn't seen in years: her little sister in wet pants, teary and sniffling. (she gets good at reminding kara to pee when she knows kara has burnt out powers after this. kara ignores her exactly once and then has to wait for everyone to leave a deo meeting so that no one will see that she's wet her skirt. alex- who knows her sister well- hangs back to gently confront her: 'c'mon ive got dry clothes in my locker' 'alex idk what youre talking about' 'kara, i know you're wet' 'no! what im an adult, i dont pee myself' '.....really? so you were just bouncing for fun? and whimpering was just....bc of nothing? look if you let me help, itll be way easier to cover up, do you really want j'onn to find out?' '.....no'

-When psi got into her mind, her secret fear was that she'd wet herself while under psi's influence. never happened but the fear is still there.

[fairybabyshifting]

sorry it’s been a month since my last update, im torn between regular updates or just posting when i shift lmfaooo.

anyway, to update yall the last month has been so hectic and i hadnt been trying to shift at all. im in my final semester of uni ever and had all these assignments due at the same time so to say it has been a stressful couple of weeks is a huge understatement - not to mention how totally fucked my sleep schedule was because id be staying up till 3-4am, pulling all nighters sometimes and literally not even dreaming bc i was so stressed. anyway, i handed in my final assignment last night so im freeeeeee

this past week i have actively been trying to shift every night. i don’t really do any specific method, i just visualise my surroundings being where ill wake up in my DR and then try to go to sleep with that in mind although sometimes it keeps me awake because i stress about whether itll be the last thing i think about before sleeping - dont do this lol. something i’ve learnt from these attempts is that im placing my focus on trying to shift and making sure i wake up in my dr and not cr when i should just be focusing on the fact that im already there ! not worrying about the future, just focusing on the present moment and what im experiencing in imagination, because as we all know, imagination is the true reality, so, according to this logic that means when i am attempting to shift i am actually shifting, even though my senses may say otherwise.

something i really try to do in my attempts is connect to smell and touch. i visualise myself walking through my dorm and touching everything and then try to smell vanilla or something strong.

something i also need to remember is that symptoms are not a sign of shifting and i can shift without getting any symptoms. in fact, im convinced symptoms only occur the first few times and then because we get used to it, we dont get them anymore. i saw someone on twitter saying that they dont get symptoms at all when they shift and apparently no symptoms means your third eye is open ?? idk but sounds right to me. also im still shifting to my slytherin boys uni dr heheh

[bnnuy-wabbit]

The cockroach incident? 👀

ok. picture me, your average flightless, featherless, biped animal. This happened roughly 2 months after i decided i wanted to drop out of college, but 2 months before classes were over, so i really was just Not Having It. I hated most of what i was studying and saw no point in continuing. I was 5 states away from my family, living in a shared apartment with a deadbeat roommate who was in the same house as me like once a week. It was the middle of the hottest summer i have ever experienced in my entire life. My apartment complex was this old moldy hole, full of spiders the size of a closed hand, bats in the attic (i had never even SEEN an attic but here we were and mine had BATS in there). and a brand new cockroach infestation. I was slowly going insane very quickly.

On top of all that I had a very stressful practical anatomy test to study for. It was hard ok? over 300 names to memorize across several different animal species. I was studying solely through videos because the teacher didn't let us actually study with the anatomical pieces. So there i was. 1am on a sunday. Sitting at the kitchen table, a white, plastic lawn table, broken. if you put too much weight on it it just came undone. Sweat is dribbling down my asscrack. I am studying to the sound of friday night funkin songs because it's the only thing that could keep my adhd ass awake while i binge studied.

Out of the corner of my eye i catch some movement and i see a Giant Flying Cockroach approaching rapidly. It was the size of my pinky EASILY. It lands on the wall opposite to my room's door. It stays there, its little antennae moving and flickering DISGUSTINGLY. I stare at it. I can't move. At that moment i am 300% sure if i move itll move and i really dont want that. I stare at it. unmoving. for half an hour. it doesnt move. but of course, im intelligent enough to know that sooner or later one of us WILL have to move, and the other one will die. So i figured, well, better for it to be me! So i get up. slowly. carefully. i walk towards the kitchen to get the broom. really fucking slowly. still staring at it constantly (it didnt move). i get closer to it again, broom in hands, shaking like a leaf. utterly terrified of the horrid animal in my house.

it begins to move.

i stop moving.

it stops moving.

every single time i moved it moved. i couldnt get my broom any closer to it without it Walking Around. It wasnt even running away or scuttling. it was just walking little steps, like it was mocking me. mocking me and my existence. mocking my every daily toiling.

i went god im SO FUCKING FUCKED! This is it! This is how i die! Death by trashbug!

so i stop moving. i dont move. i stop breathing. i become stone. my white ass camouflages within my landlord white surroundings. once again i go back to staring at it and its horribly long antennae. I just stare at it, trying to find the courage within me to stab the fucker. But one thing you need to know about me: i am a scared little animal who just happens to be very big. my soul is very small. it is puny even. i am proudly a coward. but being a coward doesnt fix the fact that there is a very scary bug threatening my livelyhood and my hopes and dreams and that im ALONE and have to deal with this myself.

and so i whack it. i whack the beast. i stab it. i shove the broom up like REALLY HARD against the ceiling. i am confident i smashed it because i very vigorously whammed a broom on the wall. it was very loud!!!! still, i keep it there for a moment, trying to gather the courage to let it go now because thats another entire beast. thats another task within itself. but like. im confident i killed it at this point. im confident my efforts paid off in the end and that courage wins every fight etc.

so i let it go!

and what does it do? It FLIES OFF! And i yell. i begin yelling. my throat gets hoarse.

the thing didnt even get a scratch! On top of that, it just flew STRAIGHT INTO MY ROOM.

At this point im this 🤏 close to a mental breakdown.

so my first idea, of course, is FUCK I SHOULD CALL MY MOM. She picks up despite the fact that it is now almost 3am. that does very little to comfort me because 1. shes 5 entire states away. thats half a country. 2. shes also terrified of cockroaches.

so yeah. dead end.

i tell my mom "im going to ask my elderly neighbor for bug spray" and she says "its past 3am dont wake up your elderly neighbor for bug spray".

so what do i do? i desperately bang on my elderly neighbors door for 10 minutes. Her 2 dogs bark a lot. Never once does she open the door, but i could very much hear her flipflops squeak on the floor, so she was just Standing There. I beg for her help, i ask for bug spray, im full on crying at this point and my voice is hoarse from the yelling from before. She begins praying like im some sort of apparition i guess. I can hear her praying to god or some shit and then leaves me to be. she doesnt ever reply to me directly. So i sit against her door like a very normal person, curl up on fetal position and lose my shit right there. i am shaking. i am crying. theres snot running down my face. im bawling.

eventually i drag myself back home. stand at my bedrooms door and i look at the fucking mess my room is. depressed grad student, ok? keep that in mind. theres dirty clothes all over the floor. actually. let me Show.

as you can see there are Many places for a cockroach to hide. so i decide to remove everything from my room. item by item. until i either find its hiding spot or die trying.

i find the cockroach. or rather, it finds Me.

It sneakily crawls up my leg just as i was about to move my clothing pile.

I scream. It fucks off.

I remove every last fucking thing from my room.

i flip the bed upside down, under it i find a lone galoshe. I figure that's where it was hiding. im too scared to touch it seeing as the thing has already flied several times and tried to CLIMB ME. I'm tired and Already out of my mind. I have no more fucks to give. Scared (still, as always) i sack the boot and throw it off my apartment. like, i just yeet the thing out. lock the door. Look at the clock. its like 3.30. i spent over half an hour hastily empting out my bedroom.

Honestly at that point i wasnt even sure the cockroach was in the boot. i felt i couldnt be sure it was dead until i found the body. it was late, so i called a friend to call down and broke into my roommate's room because my room no longer had furniture in it. I slept in his crusty ass sheets, the very ones he was fucking his very annoying girlfriend on top of a week earlier (he only had 2 sets and he hadnt washed anything bigger than socks in like a month. the apartment was small. his laundry was my business and i was Very Aware of its existence in the middle of the living room). so yeah. they were cummy. they were crusty. it was cracker solid. i could Not care less though.

i slept shittily until 7am. i ran to the store first thing in the morning to get the strongest bug spray i could find and also bug repellent.

I sprayed the entire house. I mean this. The walls were slick with bug spray. You could NOT breathe inside my room. Not even the kitchen was spared. I walked out of it smelling like mothballs and cancer and walked straight to the university so i could study to my effing anatomy test (it was monday, the test was on tuesday), eat and watch my classes.

I did just that. The entire day was unremarkable.

Oh actually. the elderly neighbor complained in the complex whatsapp group about a certain incensitive and unruly neighbor disrupting the peace late in the night. LM fucking AO.

I got home late, but still decided to clean my room from the chemicals. my roommate was home for once, so i told him what was going on, that id be cleaning the house because of the bug spray. I deep cleaned the whole house. I took special care of my room tho. At the end there was nary a speck of dust on my furniture (1 wardrobe, 1 bed, 1 beach chair). my clothes were folded. it smelled CLEAN IN THERE for the first time in weeks. i lit up the bug repelent. it was one of these babes.

I was SURE it was dead. the room had soaked all day in bug spray. i caught every single crevice in that room. i even sprayed INSIDE my box bed. it had to be dead. there was no way it wasnt dead. right???? right???????

i sat on my bed. i changed the sheets so it felt really good. i grabbed my computer and went back to studying. i was just vibing, man. i was just vibing.

The cockroach appeared from nowhere, climbed the wall, got sucked by the fan, flied, whacked me in the face.

I yelled, grabbed the my newly acquired spray can and then yelled some more. Then i remembered my roommate was home. I banged on his door until he opened it. shoved the thing on his face and dragged him into my room (me. tall guy. btw. dense. him, taller guy, confused, thin as a rail. just funny. to keep in mind). he went holy shit, thats big.

he sprayed it and everybodys biggest fear at that moment became true. again. it started flying. again. it went all over the room. he sprayed all over the room. it landed on my pillow, he drenched my freshly washed pillowcase in bug spray. it landed on the window, he sprayed the window until it was no longer see through. it scurried across the floor, he sprayed the floor. it went under my bed. then he stopped. i lifted my bed. he got it with his flipflop.

the evil was finally defeated.

but so was i... my clean sheets man......

[evilmothblog]

i want to sleep but then im going to wake up and have to get up and im too tired to do that so i cant sleep does that make sense

i know for a fact im going to be exhausted whether i sleep or not so i dont see the point. but i really want to sleep im so tired. but then it will be tomorrow already.

i keep lying down with a rock under me so i can enjoy the feeling of resting without worrying about falling asleep because then i cant feel the rest anymore

i want to sleep but if i sleep i run out of time to rest so i have to do something else instead but even staying awake all night isnt enough time anymore tomorrow comes so fast and then i have to get up and go to class again

i wish summer break would be now already so i could spend a few weeks doing nothing much but sleeping and enjoy feeling well rested before the realization that its already been a month because i spend all my time sleeping and then i cant sleep well the rest of break because i cant let it all slip away so fast i need the break

i just want to go back to when a normal nights sleep was enough and sure its fast forwarding to tomorrow when you have to get up again which sucks but youll be so much less tired so itll be worth it. its not worth it anymore

im just so fucking tired i cant fathom getting a job and having even less time off. what do i do the doctors never found anything except for eventually 'your iron reserves are a little low' but even then taking the supplements for weeks i cant feel a difference im so tired i cant do anything life is falling hopelessly behind waiting for energy to strike so i can do my fucking laundry or something and then its back to waiting. what do i do.

my mom laughed when i said i was scared my legs were gonna start hurting so bad i wouldt be able to walk and id be disabled she thought the idea of me becoming physically disabled was ridiculous but im already disabled because im so tired and now the joint pain isnt helping like what the fuck do i do im failing my classes that they are paying for because im too tired to do any work what happens when they find out what happens when i have to live at home again what happens when i cant live independantly

i genuinely dont know if this is catastrophizing or not because so far the pain has just steadily gotten worse i wish i could be optimistic but i dont think lying to myself is going to help all it did was stop me from realizing earlier how much a walking stick helps

im tired of my therapist telling me i can do it i just have to believe in myself because i can say that all i want it wont make getting up any easier it doesnt make it hurt less

and now i cant sleep even if i wanted to because yet another random shaking episode is back am i actually just dying what is happening to my body

[rippeds0cks]

3/4/2024

I have been weird lately. Some days ill be doing great then other days ill be as worse as ive ever been. These last couple days have been bad. Ive been so bad mentally that ive had to stop whatever im doing (eating, watching a movie, working out, playing elden ring) and just sit there and stare off into nothing. I zoned out entirely when i was driving yesterday. Ended up going 75 in a 45 and had to rush a break when i zoned back in so i didnt slam into the back of the car in front of me. Cant have that become a habit since im gonna be driving a lot soon. Buying a gun soon. Not for suicide or anything i need it for bears n such since im gonna be camping in the middle of national parks a lot. I havent slept well in weeks. Every night for the last couple nights ive been as close to tears as ive been in recent memory. I get really emotional laying here n my right eye will be teary but my left eye will not. I wonder if my tear duct is damaged in any kinda way since thats the side closest to my head injury. It shouldnt be since thats my better eye. Back when i got a cut on my left eyelid i was essentially blind for those couple days it took for the swelling to go down since my right eye is essentially useless. That reminds me, my dad is slowly catching onto how bad my health is. He made the observation “you might have something wrong with your depth perception cause you get really close to the cars in front of you when you drive” and i just went “haha yeah” when in reality my depth perception mostly went when i was like a very early 19 and i just got used to it. Fighting made me able to “feel” the distance between me and everything around me but that goes out the window when im operating a machine like a car. Ill get used to it i guess. Maybe start wearing my glasses.

I think that on this trip ill make the decision about reaching out to my ex. I think that if i get all the way to vegas and still think about her ill reach out for closure. Thatll be a while tho. Maybe well over a year. I dont know. Ive just completely given up any delusion of her contacting me. If contact is to be made itll be made by me. I just cant stop thinking about her and its already ridiculous so if it continues for so long that by the time i get to vegas i might as well reach out. Worst comes to worst and she loses her mind/gets a restraining order n i cant firefight anymore i can just kill myself its not a big deal. I just cant keep harboring these emotions forever. I already dont wanna harbor em im just too scared to reach out. It doesnt help that me n benj (mostly benj) bring up our exes a lot so i have to think about her. He says shit sometimes that unlocks memories i didnt know i had and it will make my ass catatonic for the day.

Like once i had a ptsd attack while asleep and i jolted awake and we were napping together and i woke up to her laying on me pulling me as close as possible and it brought my heart rate down and mental state down entirely, i was able to relax and calm down just cause she was there. She probably doesnt remember it since when i jolted awake she was mostly still asleep, just doing a slurred half awake “do u have to pee” to which i just said no n we both went back to bed.

I waa gonna type out another memory thats been replaying in my head where she lays with me as i was having full body convulsions and i was in some of the most pain i have ever been in. Rubbing my back and holding my hand. I was gonna type it all out in detail but im already shaking and crying out of one eye lol. No snot or anything tho so i dont know if this qualifies as crying.

Anyways i would give anything to be able to experience that again. The first and only person to ever love me and things went so horribly wrong. Both of our faults. I take the vast majority of the blame though. She takes the blame towards the end but the rest of it is my fault.

Anyways

[tears-of-boredom]

see, its not just the fact that waking up and meals are on a schedule. its the fact that I've been awake from 3am, waiting for breakfast to start. if i asked real nicely, i probably could make myself bread or something. but im not supposed to. what im supposed to do, is somehow stop myself from waking up too early, and then eat breakfast at the appointed time. like. this is exactly why the routine i "learned" never carries over when I stay at home. because im finally fucking free to do what i want. also is this a silly emoticon <|3{ its a wizard with a mustache. or is it spelled moustache. i forgot. anyway yeah so i have a horrible headache from hunger and lack of sleep. and I fucking hate the fact that society is not going to change fast enough for me to be allowed to keep my sleep schedule natural. im going to have to force it. or kill myself. tbh I hate the fact that summer break is the long one, because if it was winter break, id do much better. like literally, its a nice sentiment to let kids enjoy the summer, but logistically it does not work at all. like it definetly should be in winter, because it gets so dark that your sleep schedule gets messed up. like id so so much better if school was in summer, cuz thats when my sleep schedule really matches what school needs. and actually the transition seasons too. winter is like the one thing that makes my sleep schedule be whatever the school doesnt like. and its so stupid that im expected to just suck it up. its so stupid that everyone is expected to suck it up. to put up with everything they hate about life. if I asked adults why my sleep schedule has to be the way it is, theyd just say "because thats how the world is". and that is so fucking frustrating. just becauae the world is a certain way, doesnt mean it should be like that. it doesnt mean its right. and it does not mean that its an unchanging fact. like I know that im mentally ill. but that does not mean that every single problem i have is related to that. i would like it if all of my problems were met with equal consideration. instead of just dismissing some completely and telling me to suck it up. for some reason its not a surprise at all if i need medication to fall asleep, and its not really a problem if I have to continue to take it because my body never learns to fall asleep when im supposed to. but if I cant wake up when im supposed to? that is entirely my own problem. i need to force myself to wake up at the right time. you know how you are famously concious when youre asleep, and can decide when to wake up? yeah do that. and if keeping up this forceful sleeping schedule is exhausting you and giving you horrible day time fatigue? well suck it up. maybe try excercise. are you eating well? its that darn phone youre always on. you just have to get used to it. it'll become a habit in 5 years and then itll be much easier don't worry. yeah winter does that to you. dont worry, winter is famously a really short time in finland. do you take vitamins? whens the last time you had your iron levels checked?

its always about making my life conform, and never about finding ways to make it more parallel to the rest of the world. you could take daytime naps? but then you cant sleep at night, which is a huge crime and means that something is wrong with you.

why did I agree to this. my depression is going to flare up so fucking quickly.

[garlique]

the way i have been hanging out w so many disordered eating bitches lately...... im really boutta fall back into it huh

tw in tags for ed and weight loss talk :3

[tapucocoas]

.

[shigarakisslutbag]

i'm not the original asker but i'd be down for some shig breeding headcanons that are more dom / not mommy kink

Tw: breeding, housewife, somnophilia, talk of having kids

A/N: sorry for any typos lol

Im a lil horny so heres some hcs of me just blabbing and dumping some thoughts out

I wanna start out by saying he loves your pussy so much

Literally worships it

Its all he can think about sometimes

It doesnt matter how small it is or how it looks he loves it

Youre so warm and tight and always wet and ready for him to breed

He hasnt given much thought to a family before but when it comes to you

Oh boy when it comes to you

He wants to fill you up and fuck his cum so deep inside it knocks you up

Doesnt want you to walk

Gets off to the thought of you carrying his offspring

Thinks about having a nice family . Maybe 3 or 4 kids .

Wants you to just sit at home and let him do everything for you while you take care of the kids

Doesnt want you to think about anything that could stress out his little wife

The ideal picture is

He comes home

Youre asleep in your shared bed

He sees you in your silk night gown

Almost showing your ass. You were too tired to even pull over the blankets you poor baby

Hes so turned on just by watching you

Seeing you breathe as your chest moves up and down

Gown slightly slipping down

Walks over and leans in to take in your smell

Hes so intoxicated by your scent. Really turns him on

Lifts up your gown and youre not even wearing underwear

Maybe you wamted this to happen

Either way youre getting fucked

Whether you initially wanted this or not

Rubs his finger up and down your cute little slit

You start to quiver in your sleep but you dont wake up

Good . He doesnt want you awake yet

Slips one finger in and curls it hitting your gspot . Soon adds another finger and all that can be heard in the room is the sound of your wet pussy clenching around his fingers

Youre starting to move a little now

Closing your legs slightly because your body cant handle it even if you arent conscious

Even youre unconscious self cant get enough him

Eventually he decides to take out his cock thats been hard ever since he opened the door and laid eyes on you. Taking in your entire body

Compared to how tight you are you wouldnt think he'd be able to fit his cock inside you with how girthy it is. But he'll fucking make it fit

He rubs hit cock up and down your cute pussy. So wet and ready for him to slide himself in and pound away

Fucking his hot cum deep inside your little womb

When hes done with you there'll be nothing but cum seeping out of your tight, wet little cunt

He whispers in your ear, trying to wake you up

"Do you like how this feels? How evey my cock is resting on you ? Do you think youll be able to take it? All this cock inside your already ready and wet pussy. You like taking this fat cock dont you? Sliding in and out so easily because you already wnated this didnt you. You were ready, huh? Always ready for me. Only me. My little slut. "

Youre awake now hut barelt conscious still, not knowing what's going on until you feel him slip himself inside. You almost scream from how good it feels until he slaps a hand over your mouth and tells you " take it. Take it like the good little slut i know you are. Please? For me, baby.

Its so good.

You feel so full

It hits all the right spots

All you can think about is how hard hes fucking you

Making your tits slightly move up and down

You wrap your arms and legs around him trying to keep yourself together

Fuck this feels so good

"I cant wait to breed this cunt of yours. We're going to be such a good family. Itll just be us and our little ones- fuck "

" youll be such a good mommy. A good mother to my kids-fuck you feel so good

Youre taking everything out of your poor husband . But then again hes doing the same to you. Youre both almost shaking. Ready to cum

"Are you ready, baby? Im gonna fuck all this cun inside until all you can think of is this warm feeling im about to give you."

All you can do is whine and cry out of pleasure in response as he shoots all of his hot cum inside you painting your insides

And here you are. Ears ringing from the orgasm he just gave you

And you wonder, hopefully this isnt just a one time thing

[corysmiles]

Theres a... lot of amgst right now, and I think Im on Blues side with just wanting some fluff lately. So heres some fluffy giant house hcs!!

• The giant fam struggle with figuring out how to live with a human at first, there all worried about scaring or hurting Techno so they extremely overcompensate for being gentle and making sure they know where he is so they cant accidentally step on him or something. Techno finds it sweet, especially in comparison to how terrifying it was to be around them before he knew they werent going to hurt him, but it gets old. This is how they come up with the idea to instal walking ledges around the house so Techno doesnt even need to be on the floor anymore.

• Techno introduces them to Steve, the field mouse he befriended. They all love him. Steve stays in his human sized house extension usually, and quickly learns to take advantage of the walking ledges.

• Wilburs almost always awake at night so once Technos out in the open, he always notices when his tiny older brother isnt sleeping as well. He will always scoop him up and make him nap in his hands, cradling him against his chest.

• Tommy got jealous that Techno was always picking Phil for extra warmth on colder days, he decided to show off how warm his fuz was by kidnapping Techno from one of the crows trying to take him to Phil. Techno wasnt happy about either Tommy or the crow grabbing him, but Tommy definitely proved to be a cozy shoulder to sit on.

• When Phil first invents the shrinking potion so they can visit Techno during tournaments, he had to test out how long they lasted first. But he wanted the potions to be a surprise so he had Tommy and Wilbur take Techno out of the house for the day for some distractions. Phil is back to normal size by the time they return, but Techno cant help but wonder why Phils suddenly training his crows to stop grabbing and playing with Techno when he used to let them do it even at his own request to fetch him. (The crows played with Phil the whole time he was tiny. Phil did not appreciate it, especially when one got him completely sealed in its beak. He never realized how scary it was.)

• Technos complaining about the cold again, it is winter after all, but Tommy and Phil are both out getting food for the house. Wilbur doesnt have feathers or fuzz though. So instead, he gets a small mug and fills it with hot tea. Techno is weary of the idea at first but Wilbur assures him that this tea is really good for the skin! Itll be a double bonus to getting warmed up! So he tries it, and it is very nice. But Tommy and Phil absolutely make fun of the man terrified of giants mere weeks ago willingly sitting in a mug of tea when they get home.

• I don't know if you had any plans for Tubbo and Ranboo in this, but I was thinking... what if they were human (hybrids still, but human sized) that Tommy befriends during a visit to the human world to watch Techno compete? He starts spending his time between Technos matches with them, until Techno finds out and is worried Tommy will accidentally reveal himself to these two random kids he just met. We could have this whole hidden identity (species in this case) plot like from a movie that ends with Tommy being forcibly revealed as a Giant, maybe Tommy gets captured by bad people and Techno doesnt know but Ranboo and Tubbo saw, so Tommy thinks hes done for when the two humans surprise him by coming to rescue him instead of writing him off as a monster like Techno made him worry they would? 👀

Angst is fun but fluff is good for the soul, dont forget to keep a healthy balance!! Take care of yourself!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Omg yes I love these ideas

Man the one about Phil training the crows to stop picking up Techno is so good. He would feel so bad for letting them grab Techno without realizing how scary it is.

And yes!! I love the idea of Tommy meeting Tubbo and Ranboo as humans. Maybe he’d even steal some of the potion and go to visit them without Techno when they become closer. Of course if Phil ever found out Tommy would be in so much trouble.

And I think that Techno would be so awkward about wanting to be held anyway so the fact that the giants want to hold him would be really nice (even if he wouldn’t say it). Also Wilbur would get Techno his own mug to be his own little hot tub during the winter

Tommy would try to teach Steve tricks. Like he’d give the Moshe pieces of cheese for rolling over meanwhile Techno is mad for turning his awesome mouse into a house pet.

After Tommy saved Techno from the crow he’d braid pieces of Tommy’s hair just so he could sit on his warm shoulders. When Phil and Wilbur saw the small braids that asked for it too, and now they all have tiny braids from Techno.

Also the idea of Tommy having to reveal himself as a giant to Ranboo and Tubbo is soooo good. Like it could be one of the times he visits them without telling his family and the potion wears off too fast. Then maybe a fighter like Techno would see him and try to slay (or even sell) him. It would be up to Tubbo and Ranboo to find their friend

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this, I really love all these ideas can’t wait for more giant house au stuff 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

[imsorry4whatwebecame]

whenever you see this, idk why im like this but i overthink a lot and ik we’re just friends but still i overthink and i overreact, and since ur going to be away for this week imma do both a lot and imma try to leave you alone but im gunna constantly think about what she’s doing, and shit. my mind is constantly thinking she’s doing shit behind ur back to hurt u on purpose (ik ur not, but thats just how my mind works) n there’s some like ill vibes between us and i want to b on good terms again, lately you been awaking up at 5pm and i haven’t had the time with u cus you wake up and you disappear for an hour, i miss when we were clingy, ig this is change cus we’re not what we used to be, n since you’re gunna b in a different state this week im going to b worrying n worrying and idk why i would b i shouldnt cus ur arent mine and im not yours, but ill try not too ill try not let my mind cloud my judgment and bother u with texts over texts ruining ur time, but ik u wont see this soon, id just like texts now n then this week lol idk why well ik why cus when ur out ur out n since ur going to be out this whole week i prolly wont get a text at all, and i understand snapping pictures is hard but idk, u always like why u wait for me, why you can let me be, im addicted to you i wish i wasnt but i am and ik i shouldn’t, its never been this hard to get over someone, i kinda struck gold when i u came back into my life, idk why idk how, ik this year has been rough for you but n ik i dont help but im here for the whole ride, i texted u, to text me when u get there n i didnt want to cus i know u we’re driving but i had to say it. there was so many other posts to like but you like that one n idk if u liked it cus u want me to do that to u or u wanna do that to me. ///i know this prolly a cheap move telling u this over tumblr but i dont wanna tell u this over text n ruin ur week with bad vibes. so im doing it over this cus ull see it whenever/// my friend keeps going why i still fuck with her, he keeps going block her but i can never block you, n ik the day will come when u find someone else n ill have no control over that ill just have to let it be, n i dont want this to make u feel bad cus you did what you had to do to be what you wanna be, i respect ur choice, n i might be sick in the head for writing all this but i had to let you know how i felt through a rant at the moment i was feeling them, it stupid of me but i feel like everyone is out to get me, n ik maybe its wrong for me to b in the know but like i feel like we’re not opened enough like i wanna tell u everything but whats stopping me is i want u to be present when i tell u it but i honestly just might be annoying n not waiting for u to b there n just start spilling everything as i possibly could. i wanna tell u how my whole week went, i wanna tell u it over facetime cus itd be easier, i wanna facetime u cus i never see u anymore, i bought all this crystal i wanna show u irl, n ik u said “itll be awkward if you make it awkward” n imma try my best to not make it awkward, i had a dream last night where we were in this schoollike place and you said do you wanna get lunch together as n id love too, but i know im saying all this and youve got you going on and im srry if i bother you with that it prolly makes me look like tje bad guy cus im not respecting, (even tho i am in a way) like i know u dont wanna go out n it have that date vibe n you dont feel well enough to go out , i hope this doesn’t come out like im blaming or anything cus im not im honestly just rambling now cus ive had all these emotions built up this morning since i woke up at 9 and i hate this new sleeping schedule im on cus i go to bed hella early n i wake up early n i wait n ur prolly like this is self sabotage or like ur not good for me, i feel like u hate ik u prolly dont, n u say ill finds someone better but better isnt want i want i want u cus noones like u n ik i shouldn’t say that cus i dont want u to feel bad for not being with me, ill get over this but dont think that from what all i said that its better for

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really excellent day. I dont even know why but I had a good day. Like there were tough parts, parts where I was super tired. Which continues to be frustrating. But it was a good day. 

I slept okay last night though. The weighted blanket it helping. It is still hard to fall asleep but staying asleep is a lot easier. James came and woke me up at 930 which was fine. I want to be awake earlier but I am glad it isnt later. 

I laid around for a bit. Willing myself to get up. But it was hard. I didnt know what I wanted to do today. And it was hard to like motivate to start. But I did. And I got a shower. And I dont know what flipped but I felt super good. 

I felt really cute and good. My outfit was excellent. My hair and eyeliner was great. I dont know why my self esteem was so high but that was nice?? I had a bagel and played animal crossing for a bit. I saw someone make a corn maze on this island and I was like. I want that. So I worked on creating that. I knew Jess was going to come visit our island later in the day so I really wanted to kind of show off. And having our fall festival area finished felt good. 

James wanted to ride his stationary bike. Because girls go for men like their father's I guess???? And I am working on not feeling weird existing in our apartment when James is home and it went okay. I cleaned and organized around him. He was sweating all over the place so I told him he would be cleaning the floor. And in general it worked okay but then he asked me if I was okay and it like. Made me mad. Like I can walk around in our apartment without a smile and be okay!! So I will probably talk to him about that but I tried my best to keep working. 

I got all of the products I am going to be selling with Jess. And texted with her. We would get on a video call around 2. So I had time. I hung out with James for a little. I listened to him cook in the other room. I enjoyed sitting with SweetP. And then Jess told me she was back from the store so I set up on the laptop and we talked for over 2 hours. 

It was great. I showed her all the clothes I had and the other products. We talked about prices. We discussed logos and packaging. I am really excited. James is going to set up our printer tomorrow. Hopefully we can make it work just super easy. But it might be missing a cord. Well see. But I feel really good about our timeline and getting things started next month. 

After we finished talking about shop stuff we did island visits. It was really fun to see her island and see the changes. And it was really great showing off what Ive made and worked so hard on. Around 4 though we both needed to go be productive in other ways. So we got off the call and I was hit with a wave of productivity! 

I photographed almost all the clothes I had shown her. I found a few pieces I want to wash first and one that I want to bead on. But I did all the photos and uploaded them to a drive. Then I made an inventory list and did research for each known brand and I just felt really good. 

I decided I wanted to go out. I ran out of night cream for my face so I wanted to go find some. I drove a while out into the county for no reason except I wanted the drive. And I had a good podcast. 

I went to marshalls and found a peppermint soap so strong I could smell it through my mask on the shelf. And I got a serum for my face. Not exactly what I wanted but itll work for now. 

I wandered around for a bit but I didnt get anything else. The cashier lady was really nice and we had some laughs. And then I decided I would go get a salad since I wasnt far from the salad works. I got a half salad and soup. I had some of the soup in the car with the roll it came with. And then I headed home. 

The sun was still up by the time I got home but all the side street parking was gone. So I had to park on the main street which I always hate. But whatever. 

I got inside and had my salad and put the dishes away from the dishwasher. And then I got to work in the studio. 

I did a little bit of quilting. A little planning for sewing tomorrow. I worked until my podcast was done and then I cleaned up. I feel like I did a good job today. 

I went and took a long bath. I didnt wash my hair. I will probably do that tomorrow. But it was really nice. I feel good. 

Now I am in bed waiting for James to come home. Texting with Jess. Feeling tired but in a good way. I just hope tomorrow feels as nice as today did. 

Sleep well everyone. Be safe out there. 

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry