#well i got the task done that i was using to withold food from myself so i ordered food :3 good for me
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the way i have been hanging out w so many disordered eating bitches lately...... im really boutta fall back into it huh
tw in tags for ed and weight loss talk :3
#ed tw#like really pls dont read this if itll trigger u im boutta talk v frankly abt my ed#my boy andrew the one i was gushing about last night literally Every time i see him is like#ooooh i haven't eaten today!! hehe oops and every time im like andrew that is Bad. that is Not Good#and hes like yea i know....#and the horrible ed part of my brain is like why cant i be like that >:|#god u know what is really the fucked up thing abt my disordered eating is its completely changed like#the way i engage with other fat people too#which is so awful and i feel terrible but it used to be that like i viewed gaining weight as a typically good thing#and losing weight as a typically bad thing !! which like r all blanket feelings n i knew i needed 2 b more nuanced#and now i can't view gaining weight as a good thing anymore because people keep commenting on me losing weight#in a really positive way :( like i got weighed at the doctor and had gone down something like 40 pounds#since i was last there and she was like wow!! that's amazing !!! like ok#and even just like. people that i see. have started to be like wow you lost weight !! like ok#and i really think my being on adderall is not going to do good things for my eating#ive been awake for almost seven hours i woke up hungry and i still have not eaten yet :/#and listen i know everything im saying is Not unique ok. i know that this is typical of most eds#but it is so scary. like genuinely my ed thoughts are so fucking scary#the longer i go feeling hungry the better i feel about myself. like wtf#well i got the task done that i was using to withold food from myself so i ordered food :3 good for me#idk. like i just need people to stop talking abt ed stuff around me but also i dont want to say that#because its helping my ed and its got its horrid little claws Deep in my skull#and also the number of people who don't believe me when i say i struggle w restricting is :(((#the thing is though like im not ready to recover#i dont want to be recovering rn. i want to be in it because i want to be losing the weight and i want to feel the hunger#ugh. idk. im gonna go keep working on my novel its making me happy today
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