#IMMA CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP SOON FOR LOVELY LOVELY REASONS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER PROBS

[yakultii]

Hiii ^^ just stopping by to wish you a lovely & happy birthday, glad to have found you here & to have found understanding on your endless, funny and interesting ramblings lol

Thanks for, believe it or not, making this world a nicer place to live in, just by existing, by staying around a bit more, for sharing good music, photos and painful as well as beautiful poems, you'll never know the difference you've made, keep it up, you've got this! sending love & hugs your way 💚

OMG LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH THIS IS SO LOVELY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THIS OMG 😭😭❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🫂🫂 it’s crazy cause ive never even seen ur face but when i see u in my notifs it feels like a familiar friend (like the ones u know u can just chill with and don’t feel the need to be anything more than whatever version of self you are in that moment) popping by and brings me sm warmth and comfort !!! loved every single one of our interactions and appreciate u X100000000000000 take care my dude!!!!!

[danger-noodle-uwu]

I'm new to tumblr so is this how you do request? May I request the brothers forgetting mc's birthday and later remembering it. How would they react? Maybe they were busy or something. Your choice if you wanna do the dateables too.

Trigger warning

Mentions of Angst/sad/slight comfort

Lucifer

Busy almost all the time, the first-born barely spent time with our dear Mc. He would try to finish the work only for more to be slammed on his desk.

Never would his brothers acknowledge his efforts or the sacrifices he made for them. Instead they'd mock him. Mock him for being absent at all family times. Mock him for doing what he does.

It was once again such a time, such a day. They didn't bother to care what the day has held for his beloved. It was their birth.

The birth of the one who truly changed his life along with his brothers. It was such a blessing yet he forgot about it. Entirely.

The Avatar of pride was strong, Lucifer wasn't. He was weak. Vulnerable. Especially against his brothers whom he adored with his entire being.

And the mocking words had stabbed him deeply, which made his current state as to how it was. Drunk. Wounded. Crying.

Rubbing his eyes, he awoke to a mess of his office which screamed the need for cleanliness.

During the process, he found the calender. A sweet calender gifted him by his doll.

A smile had crept on his face as he lifted it for what? Perhaps to calm the unsettling feeling in his bones that told him to run but where he didn't know?

While their lover was, Mc wilted much like a delicate flower would if the sun stopped shinning, they were laying curled on the floor of his room. Mc needed him.

How could he forget his own lover's birthday?! even after he promised... it hurts.. so much...

Yesterday. The poor human cut the cake wished themselves a happy birthday when he didn't...crying...in pain...

The realization hit hard. He ran to Mc's room as fast as he could. A shiver ran his spine and the horror in his stomach grew as each and every step was taken.

Yet could not find them, so he went over to his office expecting a fuming Mc.

He was once again not right, for his beloved was breaking down as he took them into his arms. Consoling.

He apologised and comforted them. Reassuring them over and over again. Reminding them his heart still is with them and no-could ever take it away.

He later threw a party, just like how you wanted. You. Him. And the growing fragrance of the candles surrounding you both.

Though late as it may have been, it was the best birthday the innocent human had. Smiling while he kissed your knuckles, he asked for your hand in marriage.

Never had you expected this...

"I Found the reason for my smile, the day I found you. Will you let me be the reason for your smile and marry me, my love?"

Mammon

As most had expected, he forgot your birthday due to witches or the modeling gig, he did not.

Instead he forgot about preparing your birthday gifts. His excitement had always gotten the best of him.

The Avatar of greed did not have enough budget to prepare the gift you dearly wished for, therefore multiple part-time jobs and skipping RAD became more often.

Despite the scolding, he didn't bother and worked on, just imagining the smile you'd make once you saw what he got you.

''I'll make Mc smile. Just one more hour extra and the budget would be*chef's kiss* '' he thought as his co-workers packed their belongings up.

It was late night and the moons shined brightly over the streets of devildom however he wasn't much worried because it was not like your birthday the next day. (it was)

Stretching his arms, he woke up around 1:35 pm due to his fucked up sleep schedule, only to be greeted by your excited figure cuddling him.

Grey-haired demon thought it was the Delirium before the day itself. He was wrong.

At first he acted totally oblivious to the fact any special day was just around the corner. He knew that surprises even more better!!

And then your great mammon ignored you for a while to rid of the risk of you following him to the destination.

Though his plan was to get your hopes down, he ended up making you cry. It hurts a lot especially when the love of your life forgets your birthday afterall you gave him everything he wanted on his.

The visit was successful. He even had extras left to treat you!!!

The was big achievement for someone who hated working to the slightest, to work for 3 weeks and multiple jobs!!!

But before he left, the seller mocked him about being a damned day late for this gift could have been sold at a better price if not booked.

That is when it all clicked and he panicked. Today was your birthday! Oh shit!!

He rushed home back to you. As he ran, he planned how to ask for your forgiveness.

" Oi Mc I'm sorry!--Oh hell no!!" "Mc I fucked I am sorry, please forgive afterall I'm your first man.--fuck this shit imma just play smooth."

Panting, he paused right before the door of your room and knocked lightly. Seeking your permission to enter.

You lazily opened the door for him, tired after shedding many tears for him.

Mammon instantly knew what to do. "Oi Mc I'm sorry for not wishing ya' a happy birthday earlier but I was busy buyin you somethin', here darlin' close your eyes."

Hearing his apology, you felt oddly happy and followed his request. Soon you felt a soft cold metal cling to your wrist. A bracelet, huh.?

"Open y'er eyes, human." On your wrist was bracelet that said 'His human' and another matching one was on his wrist which said 'Their stupid' . (Now isn't that adorable?)

"I was savin' up for this, so ya' better appreciate it. Hmph!" Giggling you yelled 'I love you' at him making him blush immediately.

However, when he spoke, he spoke genuinely and not in tsundere.

"Ya' make my life worth living. You bring smiles to my face, and y'er touch shows me how much you love me and care for me. Y'er my friend and my lover. Happy Birthday!"

Leviathan

With envy filled to the brim, Leviathan was very focused upon you and having your attention only for himself. To not let anyone snatch you away for they could better be than him, he'd make notes to treat you like royalty and improve his guilt-tripping habits.

Guilt, regret, shame. His heart screamed within the confines of his chest, as he rubbed your back assuring you that he still loved and will continue to do so.

It was his envy. It had always been his envy. Who always held him captive like a bird in a cage, he struggled to break free. He just couldn't.

The fault was his for if he hadn't given in to the jealousy named poison, you would be happily celebrating your birthday rather than crying in his embrace.

The fault was his for if he hadn't screamed at your friends who just came to congratulate you about getting in a relationship with the demon you very much loved and to wish you a birthday.

They left because of him. Not because he humiliated them but he forgot his own lover's birthday and called them a pathetic cheater, as they didn't feel like reminding of what the day was. They had left off with their friends, returning at HOL at night only to get yelled at.

Caring friends as they were, they tried convincing Mc to leave which his love refused. So, they left pitying the poor human.

No-matter how much Mc begged her companions to stay, they didn't.

Oh the suffering for His Normie, they ran upto him vulnerable-ly and started hitting him weakly, breaking down. Why was he? Why was he like this?! Why must he always leave you crying due to his envy?!

"Hey easy...calm down please, I'm sorry. I really am sorry, please forgive me and I promise I will make everything right. Please." "How..?" "Please trust me. My love." "Are you sure..?" "Yes...yes...I love you..."

Could you really trust his statement? You wondered. He could forget his word much like how he forgot your birthday.

The great admiral of hell's navy was true to his word, and successfully united you again with those who almost abandoned you or it seemed like--but no they were just disappointed. They were never going to do such a thing.

The meet went smoothly, and soon the the sun was setting casting shadows along with dying light, it was a dreamy sight for anyone.

Leviathan had known that he still had to make upto you properly and therefore, he took you to the cosmos of frodane.

Red, blue, yellow, any colour you could possibly think of was there, shining as brightly you were.

Taking in a shaky breath, the Avatar of envy gave you a bouquet, each flower consisting different scent which complimented the other.

The shimmer in your eyes gave you away and he gave you a sweetly addicting kiss while mumuring...

"I always cause some mess. It is never your fault. I’m sorry for making you feel unhappy. I cannot believe that I cause hurt to you. You are my only hope for my life. I promise you that I will do my best to make a better version of myself for you, my 3rd waifu~"

-------------------------------------------------------

And here we go... the pain and the suffering. Lol

Hope you like it and stay safe everyone. ♡♡♡

Have a good day!

[talas-starlight]

Close to you - Azula x fem!reader

SUMMARY: When you visit Azula to help her wind down for the evening, she begins to wonder why you’re so affectionate towards her

WORD COUNT: 1.2K

WARNINGS: a lot of non-sexual touching? Kissing but like its not a lot tbh. Soft azula? Mentions of a lonely childhood? Also I didn’t proof read this HAHAHA

A/N: look imma be real honest,, the reader makes azula soft as fuck and if you want 100% on brand azula- this probably aint it for you oopS but looK I couldn’t help it!! She deserves the sweet lovin  

Warm, orange tones of the steady fire lamps illuminate Azula’s face, and in this moment, she looks nothing short of peaceful. The sun has long set, and as she prepares to finally conclude her day, you can’t help but admire how beautiful she looks from your place at the doorway of her unnecessarily spacious room. She knows you’re there, of course; she knows you better than anyone, and you made it no secret as she heard the door softly click shut.

Your feet softly pad on the chilled floor, making your way to your love. She looks down at her lap, trying to look casual as she stalls her routine, which she could have easily had the servants rush through by now. Yet then again she wouldn’t have it any other way since she’s been ordering them to leave as soon as they finish washing her for the past four months. It’s the smallest of movements, but you can’t resist but smile fondly as she scoots forward on her oversized vanity stool for you to take your place behind her.

Adjusting your legs so that they’re on either side of her waist, you wrap them around her slightly so that she is closer to you, but not so close that its awkward or in the way. Making eye contact through the mirror before the both of you, you place a kiss to the side of her head before nodding softly. This prompts her to hand you the brush you’ve become quite accustomed to holding, soon beginning to through her long hair. To Azula, nothing feels more perfect than this. The warmth radiating from your body behind hers feels more like home than any other form of fire she’s ever experienced.

This isolated moment in her day is oh so precious as you slowly bring the brush from the top of her scalp down to its perfectly trimmed ends. It relaxes her unlike anything else. All of the pressure and subtle nudges to push her further than any other normal person alive simply washes away. To any unknowing onlooker, the current scene depicts everything but a usually pretentious princess and her love. The scene is nothing more than domestic bliss.

Finishing up the last section of her hair, you pass the brush back to her to be placed back on the vanity. Weaving your arms securely around her waist, you pull her back closer towards you. The closer proximity allowing you to place a kiss on her left shoulder before resting your chin upon it.  Finding yourself comfortable, you move your gaze towards her bare face. Despite being as beautiful as ever, you know something has squeezed its way into her mind as her eyebrows come together in thought.

“What’s on your mind, love?”

Clearing her throat, she shakes her head. “It’s nothing.”

You sigh, “hmm... I’m sure it’s anything but nothing.”

Taking your left hand, you move the hair that’s made its way in front of her face to behind her ear before caressing her cheek. Briefly closing her eyes, she casts her gaze towards her lap.

“W- why are you so affectionate towards me?”

Eyebrows raising in surprise you’re unsure if you should be completely honest straight away or ease her into it. “Hmm… well, I suppose it’s because I’ve always been affectionate. I’ve always thought my love language might be physical touch.”

Unamused by your efforts to dim the truthfulness of your answer, she gives you a pointed look. “In all my years of knowing you y/n, not once have you been remotely as affectionate towards others as you have been towards me. So, you can either tell me the truth or I think it’s best we sleep separately tonight.”

Lips briefly coming together in a tight line, you nod, understanding that it’s best to tell her. She deserves honesty.

“The short answer is, I love you.”

Mouth hanging open ever so slightly at your confession, you continue, not allowing her to question it. “Growing up, I always seemed to be quite observant since I never had much courage to go out and interact with everyone like you did. Even after we became acquainted at the Academy, I never came out of my shell unless I was alone with someone. Clearly, you still remember. Anyway… what I’m getting at is, Zula, every day you walked into that Academy I noticed how different everyone treated you. Sure, it was understandable since you were the Princess, and they were terrified of hurting you in any way. But it broke my heart watching you arrive every single day and not get a hug or a kiss goodbye from anyone. Not even a sincere goodbye or letting you know they’ll miss you.”

Pausing for a moment, you take in how she’s processing all of this information. You’re unsure of how she feels about this. Her face is relaxed and neutral, yet you can’t help but feel slightly afraid that she thinks everything you’re saying is ridiculous. As a moment goes by and she still hasn’t said a word, you continue, unable to handle the tension that is starting to encompass the room.

“I- I… just couldn’t understand how anyone could possibly deserve to be treated like that Zula!” Breath hitching, you try to hold back a small sob. Reliving how heartbreaking it felt watching her have to go through that every single day tore you up inside.

“No one deserves that, so I promised myself. I promised that if you’d let me, I’d make up for everything and always be close to you. I’d hold you, even if it was just my pinkie locked with yours. I’d tell you how much I appreciate you. How I’ll miss you, even if you leave for just a day. I’d do all of it… Although, while I tend to do it more so out of love for you now, I still don’t want you to ever experience those things again.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you release your arms from around her waist to wipe away a few tears that are now making their way down your face. Yet before you’re able to do so, you feel her long, slender, fingers grasp around your wrists. Snapping your eyes open in surprise, Azula’s heart swells as she takes in your tear-filled eyes.

“It’s okay,” she whispers. “I love you.”

Overcome with emotion, despite being for different reasons, more silent tears fall. Leaning forward, Azula gently presses her lips to your fallen tears. “Don’t cry, my love.”

Leaning back, she takes the initiative to be physically closer to you, caressing your face in both of her hands. “I appreciate everything you do for me, more than anything.”

Breaking out a smile, you wrap your arms around her waist once again before pressing your lips softly against hers. Azula freezes for a moment, surprised, despite your tender approach. Both of your thoughts and worries dissipate as she allows herself to completely fall into the mind-reeling kiss. Melting into each other’s warmth, your bodies to rest against one another even further than they already were.

Soon, after a few moments, you pull away gently for some air, but only just enough to still rest your forehead against hers. With her cheeks flushed, Azula can’t help but smile. Her heart pounding in her chest, overjoyed in this moment with you. It felt like everything was right in the world. “With you y/n, I’ll never feel lonely again.”

a/n: thank you so much for reading!! i hope you liked it hehe - this was my first time writing azula so was kinda nervous tbh so hopefully it wasn’t crap lmaO - anywho! feel free to lmk what you think! hehe

tags:  @kaylove12​ @simpinforsukka​ @lozzybowe​ @firelordazulaaaa​

my masterlist:  here!

[doodlydoki]

#13 "It's not okay"

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Summary: ??? (<-- This means imma take you on an emotional rollercoaster ride, I regret nothing, have fun =D)

Words: 3800~

Genre: Angst

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The ravenette laid in bed, feeling the weight beside him shift and hearing the rustling of the covers as she stepped out of bed. His love leaving their shared bedroom quietly, trying not to disturb his sleep as she went. It never worked though. Aizawa stayed up many nights wondering where you went to during your nightly adventures. You always left once every few days, in the dead of night, only to return shortly before his alarm went. 

It worried him immensely. What were you doing out so late? He didn’t want to question the possibilities for there weren’t many reasons a person leaves their partner, in the middle of the night, without them knowing. As much as he tries not to think about it, the only logical reason he could think of was that you snuck off….to see someone else. And that though truly broke his heart. 

Every night you snuck out, he would lay awake for hours, worry eating away the time he needed to sleep. He’d only close his eyes again when you got home, hearing you cry in the attached bathroom close to your bedroom, probably from shame or even guilt he figured, while he continued this cycle by pretending to still be asleep.

By pretending to still be blissfully ignorant.

The next time he heard your quiet footsteps and the soft creaking of the bedroom door, he decided he had enough. He couldn’t take another night of endless pondering, uncertainty and lack of sleep. He carefully unraveled himself from the blankets and followed you downstairs. Closely sneaking behind you as he closed the door in front of you before you even had the chance of fully opening it. 

“Shouta!” You shrieked in surprise, not expecting the man to suddenly be behind you.

“And where do you think you’re going so late at night?” He said suspiciously, ready to finally get some answers. 

He saw you getting nervous, terrifyingly so. By your reaction alone he knows that something serious is going on and that alone already has his heart dropping to low ends. 

“I was just catching some fresh air!” You stammered out as a horrible excuse. Your body starts to tremble as you lie through your teeth. “I’ll be back in no time, just go to bed, I’ll be right back.” 

“But you’re never ‘right back’,” The shocked and guilt ridden look on your face was heartbreaking enough, but he needed to know the truth. “You’re gone for hours, going outside without telling me. Coming back and quietly crying to yourself in the bathroom. Trying your very best not to wake me up, not to let me know.” He said, the hurt clear in his voice as he let out all his frustration. “And I respected your wishes! Thinking you’d come to me to tell me what is making you go and sneak out in the middle of the night when you’re ready and comfortable enough to tell me. But by the looks of it that won’t happen anytime soon and I-...I just can’t do this anymore.” His voice broke as he embraced you, holding you like he's afraid he’ll lose you for good if he lets you go out this time. “I can’t lay another night awake in bed, worrying about the reason why you leave me behind like this again and again. Please.. just tell me what is going on.”

“Shouta,” You started calmly as you pried yourself out of his arms. Leaving a hurt look on his face as you quietly answered. “I.. can’t tell you.” You quietly drew more into yourself as you told him this apologetically, already seeing your husbands hurting look turn to something along the lines of angry and shocked.

“Why? What is it that makes you so scared to tell me?! If you’re afraid to tell me that you’re sneaking out to see some other guy then-”

“No, Shouta! There’s no one else! It’s not what you think!”

“If it’s not you cheating on me then tell me what could possibly be important enough that you have to sneak out in the middle of the night!” Aizawa let his hands run through his hair in frustration, letting out an exasperating huff to calm himself down. He reached out to hold your hands in his, trying to shorten the distance he feels now that it seems that the both of you are standing on each a different side of the same coin. 

“Please, just tell me the truth. If it’s not you seeing someone else then i don't know what it could possibly be….” The ravenette sighed before holding the back of your hands to his lips, placing a soft kiss before continuing. “...If this is because you happen to be in trouble then please….. let me help you.” He pleaded quietly as you felt his grip tighten around your fingers.

“Shouta..” You gasped his name at the sudden gentleness in his voice, surprised that above everything; all the suspicion, frustration and vagueness he has to go through, his first priority is still to think about your wellbeing first. “I know that this isn’t fair to you and I’m so so very sorry, sho. I understand it if you don’t trust me for keeping this a secret, but I just can’t tell you. This is something I can’t get you involved in. I know you want to help me, but this time, this thing is something I have to do alone.”

The ravenette took in a deep breath to calm himself, he was extremely frustrated that you left him in the dark and as much as it hurt him, he had to remember what was truly important. “I can’t say that i’m not upset at you for leaving me with nothing here, but if you truly can’t tell me then at least tell me this. Whatever it is you’re doing, is it dangerous?”

“It is necessary.” And that’s all the information you give him. You let go of one of his hands to brush a few stray locks behind his ear and then placed your hand on his cheek, brushing the soft skin with your thumb. 

“Sho,” You whisper as you lean in closer to his lips, close enough that he felt yours brush against his as you say those three simple words. “I love you... I love you so so much, Sho. You’re the only one for me and I could never forgive myself if I let anyone hurt you, including myself.” 

A breathless gasp of your name left his lips as you silenced him from overthinking any longer. Kissing him so very slowly as to reassure him that you do indeed still love him and to let all remaining doubt drift away, for there could be no one else than him. 

He eased into the kiss, enjoying the blur it brought to his overworked headspace now that you were so close, making him forget about all the doubt he had concerning your relationship and if you truly still loved him. He let a hand wander to you lower back, pulling you flush against him while he placed the other against your cheek, tilting his face to deepen the kiss as he held you closely. 

And for a moment there, it’s like it never happened, the uncertainty and strain that danced silently around your relationship was forgotten and there was no doubt left inside his mind that you ever seized to love him.  

You pulled back and placed a kiss on his cheek, wrapping your arms around his neck and soothingly start to thread your fingers through his hair. Aizawa laid his head on your shoulder, placing soft kisses against your neck, whispering he loved you too against the exposed skin and sighing contently at the feeling of your fingers running through his hair.

He could have stayed like that for a while longer, just enjoying the feeling of you securely in his arms while you’re praising him with sweet words. Carefully running your fingers through all the knots in his hair while placing a trail of kisses along his jawline. His fingers trailing lines along your waist and lower back, hearing your squeals whenever they linger on a ticklish spot and feeling you shudder against him whenever they run over a sensitive part of skin. 

He wants to stay like this for as long as he can, if only to silently convince you not to leave the safety his embrace provided, the soft kisses and sweet nothings he could give you, the quiet ‘I love you’s’ he would praise you with, if only you didn’t pull away.

But you did

You roughly pulled yourself out of his arms, pushing him away as you stumbled back against the door and slid down, hiding your face in your arms as you cried out, facing away from him. Shouta was shocked by your sudden action, worry seeping from his voice as he called your name in surprise, stepping forward and reaching out to you.

“Don’t come closer.” You cried out to him, total panic in your tone as you wept your warning. 

Aizawa cursed, confused and bitterful. All this time you kept secrets from him, keeping him in the dark, locked outside and kept at a distance. It had hurt him so much, it still does. He was ready to put it aside, trusting you, believing you when you said you couldn’t tell. He believed you when you said you still loved him, when you reassured him and comforted him. Making him believe there was no reason to worry. 

He just doesn’t understand it anymore! The pushing and pulling? The loving whispers and cried out threats? He was ready to put this down, but now he’s had enough.

“What is wrong with you?!” He yells heatedly, not heading your warning as he steps closer to you, crouching beside you. “Not sharing anything with me, telling me it's fine, telling me you still love me, only for you to push me away again!” 

“Shouta just go!” You yell back, drawing more into yourself as you try to scuffle a little more away from him. Crying louder, voice strained and pained as you hold your head, shaking it profusely.

“No I won’t leave you until you tell me why you’re doing this! You’re hurting me, keeping me at a distance while telling me you love me! Shutting me out when I ask questions! Holding on to me, making me think it’s okay between us only to push me away at a second’s notice! 

I can’t take this anymore!” 

Aizawa grabs your shoulder, ready to turn you around, when he is pushed back against the ground, a weight on top of him as he’s pinned down. 

But it isn’t you.

The kind and beautiful eyes of his love are replaced with ones a sickening red, glaring back at him. No soft smile gracing him, only sharp teeth snapping his way as he hears growling from the creature above him, looking hungry and ready to devour him. A creature that is supposed to be you.

Aizawa’s eyes widen as he is frozen in fear with no chance to move as your arm’s hold him down, your face lowering to his neck. His breathing hitched as he feels sharp fangs scrape over the thin layer of skin. A million questions running through his head and guilt pulling his heart strings for he is afraid.

Afraid of the woman he loves.

He doesn’t get to ponder over anything plaguing his thoughts. For it had happened in an instant it also ended in the same way. Only a soft aching feeling was left with the red scratches adorning his neck, convincing him this truly was happening. No teeth accompanying them anymore, as you had pulled back from his neck, preventing any further intrusion to the skin, other than the abuse to the surface. 

He gasped as he finally let himself breath again, letting the adrenaline run out of his system as he tried to calm himself down. By now he hadn’t noticed how much he truly trembled under his lover's form, before only focused on the burning scratches that evoked his concerns. He drew his attention off of himself and to whatever caused his anguish in the first place.

He hears quiet whimpers from the woman above him, presuming whatever he felt running down his shoulder are his lovers' tears raining down on him. Your shaking body on top of him as you continue to weep, hands clenched in his shirt as apologies leave your lips like a broken record. And he lets you, letting you weep into his shoulder, grasping at his shirt as you bid your amends to him, saying you’re sorry, but never truly clarifying why.

He calls your name in a whisper, his voice barely hard enough to be heard over your crying and confessions of regret. He doesn’t hear a reply, seeing you drown in your own tears and guilt as you continue your chanting. He calls your name again, uncertainty and hesitancy clear in his voice as he reluctantly tries to test the waters, shaking your shoulder softly as he tries to grab your attention. And he gets it.

You snap out of your trance, crawling off of him in a hurry, hitting your head on the door behind you. Eyes blown wide and tearful as you look at him. Frightened. Your eyes meet his for only a second before you pull yourself off the ground and try to run away fearfully.

Some part of him screams out at him, telling him to be afraid, to let you go. But that didn’t stop him from getting up and running after you. Because while he knows there is something going on with you that is above him, that tried to hurt him, he can’t let you go. When you stopped and looked at him, he didn’t see red, just the beautiful eyes of the woman he loved.

It was you who looked back at him, not some animal. That’s why he can’t just let you go. 

Because his love seemed so scared, so afraid. Like you’re being haunted.

You barely had a chance to leave the room before he catches your wrist, stopping you from running away. That didn’t stop you from trying though; pulling back your wrist, prying at his fingers. You both knew you couldn’t free yourself from his grasp. But even that fact didn’t falter your actions in your hysterics. 

Shouta watched your futile attempts with pain in his heart. Your screams as you begged him to let you go, to let you leave. Crying, heaving and clawing at him as you seemed to lose yourself in your fear. 

After the emotional rollercoaster the both of you had already been on for a while now, it didn’t take long for the fatigue to settle down. He carefully pulled you into his arms, embracing you, hoping he could make you feel safe and loved in your time of need. 

He still felt you trying to push yourself back, weakly setting your arms on his chest as you tried to pull back. But he didn’t let you, making your weak attempts futile as he held you. It didn’t take long for you to give up, letting yourself whimper into his shoulder as he ran a soothing hand over your head. “Please tell me why you’re so afraid.”

You didn’t answer immediately, but he didn’t push, giving you the time to let your tears run out before you answer, hoarse voice and shaky breath when you did tell him. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He kisses the top of your head, whispering to you so very delicately. “Kitten, you would never hurt me.”  

Your head snapped back at that as you looked at him, “But I could have! I almost-!” your eyes aren’t focused on him as something else seems to have caught your attention. Your gaze falls over his neck again, making him worry for a second if you’ve lost control again, but he doesn't move away when your hand finds his neck and your fingers trail lines over his skin. “-I did...I did hurt you.” 

The scratches

He feels guilty by how this unpredictability is affecting him, he doesn’t want to flinch or tremble or pull away when you reach out to his exposed neck, he loves it, the soft kisses you place there in the morning, or the whispers you chant when your lips move over his neck to his jawline, he doesn’t want to miss that because he’s wary of your intentions. 

He only feels worse when he sees those tears running down your cheeks again. “I’m so sorry, Sho. I’m so sorry.” You lean forward and press a kiss on the scratches as you start to cry again. And it pains him so much that he ever doubted you, even subconsciously, on the thought you would hurt him again. “I don’t want to hurt you, I never wanted to! I’m so sorry-”

He presses his lips to yours, quieting your apologies and having heard more than enough of them for one evening. He doesn’t let you speak any further, letting his lips linger on yours while he whispers ‘I’m okay’ as he lets his hand wander up you're back, caressing your cheek through ‘I love you’, placing a kiss on your head as he says, ‘I forgive you’ and resting his forehead against yours as he speaks clearly, “You would never hurt me intentionally, kitten. I know that.” He rubs his thumbs over the wet and reddened surface. “It’s okay now, I’m okay.” and kisses your tears away as he holds your cheeks. 

He’s okay. 

He forgives you. 

“I love you so much, Sho. I’m so sorry, please, please don’t hate me for what I’ve become!” 

He feels something wet run down his face as well and he knows he’s crying. Holding you tighter as he cries through his guild. "I should've never doubted you. I should've never thought that you would cheat on me. You would never. I'm so sorry, kitten." he places a kiss on your head. "I'm so sorry" 

He gets no response as only he feels the pressure of your palms on his chest again. His grip strong as he feels your body tremble against his. He hears you crying again, trying to pull out of his arms in desperate attempts. "Let me go! I feel it again, I don't want to hurt you. You have to let me go!" 

"Please, please just tell me what it is that's happening to you. I want to protect you."

"It's the hunger!" you wail through sobs and pleas. "I don't know why it’s happening. It feels like my skin is on fire! Like my throat has dried out and I'm suffocating!" your struggles seem to lessen as your fingers start to dwell over the scratches on his neck. "it hurts so much, sho...I have to." he hears you say, your voice convincing him you're in some kind of trance. He sees you look up at him, the shade of your eyes turning red again. 

The man's heart is hammering in his chest, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he sees your usually loving eyes turn to that of a predator. All kinds of alarms go off inside his head, telling him to run, but he ignores them. If this is the only thing that he can do to help you then he will stay, no matter his fate. It's his own fault he stopped you, that he ignored your pleas to just let you go outside, to let you be and for him to leave. Your suffering right now is his fault and he will bear the consequences if only to lessen your pain for a little while. 

He feels the lips of his love grace over the skin of his jaw, slowly moving to his neck. The tip of his lovers now sharp teeth drawing light lines on the way to the scratches she left before. He calls out your name, hoping for a response or for you to snap out of whatever it is that's having a hold over you. Your lips and sharp teeth stop moving over his skin, making him think you heard him only for a sharp pain to emit from his shoulder, making him yelp in pain. 

He feels how your teeth are locked into the flesh of his shoulder and the burning sensation that follows. He feels something warm run down his shoulder, your lips pressed to the spot that's hurting as he feels your tongue run over the blood that's leaving his body. He stands there shocked for a second by what’s happening, only to be distracted by the sounds of muffled sobs coming from you, your body trembling as you drink from him. Making him realise this is hurting you just as much, maybe even more, than it is hurting him. 

He placed his hand on your head, running his fingers through your hair as he tries to comfort you. “It’s okay,” He says calmly. “take as much as you need. It’s okay.” He already feels the pain in his shoulder lessen, but the exhaustion that comes with it has him settling down on his knees, dragging you gently down with him. If this is the only way to make your pain fade then so be it, even if he has to fade with it. 

He lets himself lean against the wall behind him, caressing your hair, placing kisses on your temple, whispering sweet nothings and reassuring words into your ear as the strained whimpers and muffled sobs grow louder in volume. “You’re gonna be okay, love.” He slowly feels the exhaustion become more and more overwhelming. Lightheadedness is already settling down as he tells you how much he loves you. “No matter what becomes of you, you’ll always be my sunshine.” 

He feels a weird sensation in his shoulder as you start to move. Looking up at him, blood covering your lips, making them a deep red. Your eyes back to normal, tears running down your face as you cry out to him not to leave you. He wants to reach out to you, kissing those beautiful lips one last time before he goes, but he’s too exhausted to move, only whispering a last excuse in his final breath, “It’s okay….”

You cry as you see his eyes turn dull, the horrible scene of his bloodied and scratched shoulder only making you feel worse by the second, the guild overwhelming you as you wail out in grief. You hold his face in your hands as you let your foreheads touch, whispering to the man you murdered, 

“It’s not okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you so much for the request @vcl-1807!!! I so hope you liked it. I also wanted to give you a special thanks for the support you've been giving me this past year even in my absence. It might not seem like much but the comments, likes, tags and ongoing support were the things that drove me back into writing again after this hectic year. Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day.

~Doki 💙

[savnofilter]

Okay so requests say open so ima shoot my shot with one 😊 I’ve felt so god damn lonely lately like to the point of crying myself to sleep 8/10 times so like how would Bakugo, Mirio & Kiri act if they found their crush crying and then opening up about something like this (I don’t mind HC’s or mini scenarios which ever would be easiest for you). Keep up the writing, it makes me smile. 💞

Bakugou x Reader // Mirio x Reader

warning(s): may be triggering.

a/n: ANON I FEEL TERRIBLE I DIDNT SEE THIS UNTIL NOW???? I HOPE YOU ARE GETTING AS MUCH LOVE AS YOU NEED CAUSE YOU DESERVE IT! i sometimes feel lonely too, but just know that you arent okay love! if you need someone to talk to when youre feeling empty, i am here! *que inspirational all might*. rant done, fic below. thank you anon! (kiris will be added later)

Bakugou:

Bakugou just wanted to go home. He was so damn tired, and he didn't give a fuck if he wanted to go to damn bed at 7:30 either. He grumbled as he stomped down the hall, a small whimpering and sniffling noise sounding from around the corner making him blow his casket. He wasn't haven't it today, and whatever the fuck they were doing wasn't going to touch him.

Bakugou turned the corner to the lockers, prepared to tell them off before pausing and looking down at them. Which was... You.

His shoulders slumped at the sight, frowning. Angry, shocked -- an emotion he couldn't place. How the fuck did someone so amazing, look so defeated? It wasn't fair and he was going to kick someone's ass for it too.

Before he could inappropriately ask what was your issue, your teary eyes snapped up to his as you quickly got your things together, giving him a small smile.

"Sorry Bakugou! I didn't mean to hold you up, training has me in a lot of pain you know?" You tried, getting your things as you try to pass him. His hand gripped your arm, pushing you back against the locker, making you stumble and look up at him frightened.

"The hell you crying for?" Bakugou interrogates you, shoving his hands in his pocket as he peers at you. You fumble with your words not knowing if he was going to tell you off or beat you up for being weak. "Huh?!"

"N-No reason!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOUR EYES OUT?!" You sighed as let out a sigh of defeat. How the hell are you supposed to explain that you feel alone? And Bakugou out of all the people too.

"Do you... Ever feel lonely?" You inquire, not really expecting him to really agree but to help ease it in.

"...No." Bakugou responds after a few moments of silence, maintaining strong eye contact with you. You blink a few times before lightly pushing against his shoulder and guiding him to a bench and sitting beside.

"Imma need you to sit down you're very intimidating." Bakugou scoffs at your words, motioning you to continue. You take another sigh as you pause on your next words.

"Well I do, a lot. More than usual lately. And I just, I just -- I just feel so damn stuck and I don't know what to do!" You let out resting your elbows on your knees, your face in your hands. "I just want to disappear."

"Don't fucking say that." Bakugou sighs as he hesitantly places a hand your back, trying to soothe you -- at least that's what Kirishima says. "You're not fucking lonely alright? You have those idiots, the teachers, your family. Why would that damn thought even cross your mind?"

"I don't know alright? I haven't told anyone before..." You turned your head to him again, eyes beading up tears again. Bakugou catches the first tear that falls, face still hard and intimidating.

"Oh yeah? Well next time you feel like shit you tell me instead of sulking by your damn self." Bakugou gets up, holding out his hand to yours. "Now get up, I'm feeling hungry and I could buy you something to eat too."

You stared up at him with a light blush, your heavy feelings soon washing away as you grab his hand excitedly.

It was time for a new beginning between you two anyways.

Mirio:

"Ah (L/N)~! (L/N)~! (L/N)-" Mirio stops himself from calling out to you as he hears a suspicious noise come from the broom closet. He takes careful steps, swinging open the door looking around the darkness, only to see you fumbling in the darkness with only the light of the hallway shining through.

Mirio takes a deep breath, giving you a bright smile placing his hand on his chest.

"Ah, (L/N), you scared me- what's wrong?" Mirio asks, closing the door and turning on the lights as you turn away from him.

"I-It's nothing Mirio- you can leave." You mumble, wiping the tears from your face. You look down at the floor, refusing to look at him. He's quick to pace over and grab your face in his hands as he quickly wipes your tears away.

You were no stranger to the feelings Mirio held for you, heck he had a whole showcase to proclaim his love for you. Nor were you a stranger to opening up to him, but you really didn't want to burden him. You couldn't hurt him by letting him know, but keeping him in the dark was so much worse -- you didn't know what to do.

"Hey look at me, what's wrong babe?" Mirio frowns, holding you in his hands.

"I just... I just feel so useless here at the agency. I just... I can't Mirio..." You mumble, wrapping your arms around his waist covering your face from view.

Your statement left Mirio speechless. How could one of the most important people here feel so invisible? He can't allow it! Not one bit.

"(H/N), I don't know what's going on in that cooky brain of yours, but you're just as important to this agency like everyone else. I don't think I would've survived on my own without you to be honest," You giggle a bit, still holding close against him making him smile gently. "Please tell me when youre feeling like this again, I don't want you feeding into the bad part of your brain okay?"

You nod, face pulling away from his chest to smile up at him. He grins back as he picks you up making you squeal and cling onto him.

"Now surprise lunch date!"

[kgemini20]

Haha back again on a rant I guess this is just me venting my feelings about stuff this time because I can’t do it to the friends I have because one way or another someone or everyone will get mad at me no matter what I do or say .... here I go

I have multiple friend groups and 2 of them I have the same friends in but friend group A has a problem with someone in friend group B which puts me in a bind because I’m friends with the person that group A has a problem with.... the friend in group B honestly isn’t my friend anymore tho because she has done something I could never forgive her for but considering in friend group B my cousin is in it to I kinda have to see her and associate myself with her for my cousin sake (they have been friends for a very long time so I can’t really tell my cousin to stop being her friend because of me and some others )

So the girl in friend group B... let’s name her pip has actually slept with 2 guys from friend group B and the problem with that is that it was rape as both guys do not recall ever being with her or even that night and the first guy distance himself from the friend group to make everyone in it happy because he knew my cousin would be hurt if he started saying stuff about pip and at first I was not sure what had happen till a couple months after it happen he told me and I was so mad when I find out but I had to let it slide because I couldn’t and still can’t go against my cousin

Now the second guy she did it to was for me really mad at her because I was there when it happen ...

Back at the beginning of the year pip and I where at a house party which my claim thrown and I had to pick I’m my guy friend and bring him over ... imma call him jay. So jay had been drinking since that morning so he was really out of it to the the point when he woke up the next day he had to ask me how he ended up there and why he was there, u can probably see where this is going...

So when me and jay rocked up everyone was pretty smashed and ok that’s fun but pip was acting weird and we all let it sslife because she was always weird. We all got pretty drunk and by the end of the night I had past out on the couch with pip sleeping next to me and jay was sleeping on the floor and I was asleep until I woke up and rolled over to notice pip not next to me anymore and I didn’t think anything about it at the time till I heard her moaning... I stayed quiet not knowing what to do and just tried to block it out, when they where done jay ended up getting up then went to the bathroom only to pass out in the doorway of the bathroom .... I confronted pip about it straight away and we talk about it and again I was still drunk so I didn’t think much about it so when we went to to bed again and got up in the morning I thought it over “wait why did they do, I know for a fact jay didn’t trust pip around him enough to let her do that “ but I let it slide because at the same time I had a few things happening in my life that I was not taking well

About a month I actually ask jay if remember anything from that night and he said he only remembers drinking at home and that’s it so that’s when I knew pip had done it again . After I found at jay didn’t know I was mad and disgusted with myself for keeping it a secret for so long and the fact he didn’t know or remember brought up some horrible memories for me and so the weekend after I found out he didn’t know was my Littlw coquina birthday and pip and jay where there . I hadn’t told anyone what happen at the time just because I didn’t know if I should but the other guy pip and did this to was at the party so I ask if he could keep a eye on jay while I watch pip and he ask why so I told him what I remembered and then he sat down and just said “I can’t believe she didn’t to him” so this also confirm my case about jay not knowing. I told the guy not to say anything about it but he told another friend in my group what happen and she took me away front the Party to talk and I explain everything to her and also why it rouble me so much . I spent the whole time telling her while I was baking my eyes out because I just so mad and sad and everything just got to me ... she convinced me to tell jay what happen and I did... not once in the 3 years have a seen such a horrifiedface on jay he ended up crying too and I was couldn’t stop either .... after jay found out my cousin who was dear friends with pip and the friend who convinced me to tell jay had a talk with pip and she ended up yelling at me for telling them and him which resulted in me crying and yelling at her because she had done so many things against me that I can’t get into now ... pip and up leaving the party and jay was left crying that night ...

So my cousin my fiend who convinced me and myself hadn’t talk to pip in months and I never wanted to do anything with her again but my cousin did and got back into pip life which left myself and the friend following her lead I guess. My cousin and friend have been hanging out with pip after they talk stuff out but I hadn’t tbh pip didn’t want to talk to me like I didn’t with her but I couldn’t take it and I talk to her about it.

I still don’t forgive her and never see her by myself as she doesn’t respect my personal space and I’ve only really seen her four times since we talked all times I’ve been with my cousin or maybe not for one but it was beyond needed a lift somewhere and I didn’t I’ve my car and everyone else was busy

Now friend groupA has a problem with pip because pip has also assaulted one of them ... let’s name her ree and pip had also never respected ree enough o care about how she felt or know about giving herpersonal space even after ree told pip multiple times to stop which pip never did ... ree couldn’t handled pip being touchy and I could understand but I had also know pop for longer and pip knows I can’t do physical touch, but the reasons why just that I can’t deal with it. So ree ended up blocking pip and telling her she can’t be friends with someone who won’t respect their wishes about being left alone and not touch ... pip took great offence to this and started saying all these things about reee and saying how ree never told her to stop when multiple people in group A have heard and seen ree say it to pip

Now at this point pip and ree never talk to each other and I was seeing ree all the time and I trust ree to keep so much secrets for me because I trust her and respect her so much that this hurts me so much like as I write this part I’m crying

The day I had to get pip to drive me around I took a photo and put it on Snapchat stating I had a personal taxi now where ree saw it and ask me why. I couldn’t fully explain at the time because I was in the car with pip and pip kept looking at me about it that was over 3 months ago and reee hadn’t talk to me since and I didn’t know what I did wrong and why and our other friend in group A stop talking to me aswell. This is the part that hurt me the most only because I generally didn’t know why they weren’t talking to me.then last night I ask and ree went off about it and technically explain that she didn’t talk to me because I was seeing pip and ree doesn’t know why I have been seeing pip at all and I just need to explain that ree that I only see pip when she is with my cousin ... I still don’t trust pip and I never will again but ree doesn’t know that half the time that I’m with pip is because of my cousin and o love her so much, my cousin I mean . And yeah ree never ask about it but she never really let me explain the whole situation ....

Ree is one of my best friends or at least I hope so we plan on talking in person soon so I can explain why but in the end ree mad and upset with me because by the looks of it I made up with pip when really I can’t stand her at all and after what pip pulled twice I can’t trust her around myself or anyone else

Soory if this makes no sense to anyone I just really needed to vent and I can’t do that with the people I know or in bed and I also just want this off my chest so thanks for ready and sorry if it has mistakes again it’s just me ranting so yeah



[cryinggameff]

Seventy-Two

Randi

I spent hours tossing and turning that night, and I knew why. I had been apart from Cayden for 3 days now, and i was starting to lose my mind. I got up out of the bed and decided to try and take a shower, hoping it would relax me, then got back in bed. The baby started doing all kinds of flips and tricks and I instinctively reached over to get Cayden’s attention because he loved feeling the baby move, he said it was the only time he got to connect with the baby, I carried it around all day. I sighed. But of course my hand came up empty.

I knew I had made a mistake leaving the house, but I was feeling so many things towards him, it was hard to lay next to him. clearly he hadn't hurt me on purpose but i couldn't get past the betrayal, and honestly insecurities i felt. I thought i was giving Cayden something he didn't have, his first child, something no one could take away. Now i just felt stupid and i wasn't sure i could handle another woman having a child with my husband. What was I supposed to do if Cayden really had another son? Would I leave him over that? Something that happened before I even knew him. That sounded unfair. I threw off the blankets in frustration. Just then the doorbell went off downstairs. I paused. My stomach knotted, i was pretty sure i knew who it was. Only one person came by at such odd times. I got myself off the bed and put my robe on to answer the door.

Cayden stood with his hands in his pockets, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. I had talked to him on the phone a bit, he was checking on the baby, but i hadn't seen his face and had forgotten just how annoyingly attractive he was.

“What are you doing here? It’s 3 in the morning,” I pulled my robe closed. He stepped inside past me so i closed the door behind  him. He looked down at me.

“Pack yo shit Randi. We going home,” he said simply, looking at me seriously. I looked at him like he had lost his mind.

“Do you think you’re my dad now?”

“No. I’m your husband, and I’m taking you and my kid home one way or another. This is ridiculous. I can’t sleep because I’m worried, I know you not sleeping either, which ain’t good for the baby. Your friends ain’t gonna take care of you the way I do, I know they not about to rub your feet or help you in the mornings,” he said. I hated that he was right. The only reason I was surviving this pregnancy was because of him. I still had really rough mornings and he made me smoothies or juice, something I could stomach since my morning sickness refused to go away even so late into the pregnancy, he ran my baths and often carried me to them. I was spoiled. Plus he gave amazing foot rubs, or on my lower back, which was beyond sore right now.

“You can't just ignore all your problems and act like things are ok Cayden, even if i come home the problem still exists," i pointed out.

“I’m not ignoring it. I’m gonna be a man and sort it out, either way, but I need you by my side. Because I’m...terrified Randi,” he confessed. "This shit is as shocking to me as it is to you, and i have no idea what the fuck to do. Im a grown as man but im scared." My face softened and my heart broke. Cayden so rarely showed vulnerability that it meant a lot when he did.

"well so am i," i mumbled, wanting to cry again. He saw that and cupped my cheek. I closed my eyes. When i opened them his face was hovering over mine. He brushed his lips over mine and my body turned to jello. He kissed me so i kissed him back. His hand moved into my hair and he got a fistfull of it, tilting my head back. He kissed behind my ear and down my neck, stopping just before the spot i loved to have kissed. He pulled away and looked me dead in the eyes, his were dangerous, unpredictable and warning of trouble. That was Cayden, but that was also me. He took my hand in mine and started for the stairs with me in tow.

I wasn't sure what this was gonna help when he was hovering over me, kissing me and positioning himself with my entrance. He hiked my leg up, and pushed into me. I whimpered, at a loss for words as he moved in and out of me with slow, purposeful strokes. I always thought pregnancy would make sex awkward but Cayden always knew what he was doing and so far it hadn't been an issue. He had me on my side now, thrusting his hips from behind me, a really comfortable position for my bump and my back as well. His mouth was by my ear and his hand gripped my hip. He was grunting in my ear which honestly set me off and i felt myself peaking as he did.

He rolled over onto his back and brought me into his side". You gon bring yo ass home now?" he asked in my ear. I nodded like a fool. After that how could i not. He chuckled, bringing his hand to my bump.

"He's been really active today," i said, looking down at his hand on my stretched skin.

"He gets that from me. Gonna be a ball player," he smirked.

"Im gonna have my hands full i already know. I just hope he looks like you,"

That's how he convinced me, and the next morning i found myself in my bed at home, with him laying beside me. I was awake and he was sleeping with his arms around me. I was looking over at him just thinking. We had talked after our little distraction and Cayden had apologized to me for the drama this had caused. He also made it clear he had reached out to Keisha and they would be going to get a DNA test today actually but the results didn't change how he felt about me and our baby. Now i was just trying to make peace with the possible outcomes.

"You okay?" Cay asked, eyes still closed.

"I thought you were sleeping. Yeah im ok. Are you ok?" I asked. He opened his eyes and nodded. He looked at the clock on the bedside table.

"I have to go soon," he said, looking over at me. He was going to the doctor with Keisha to give samples for the paternity test. I nodded. He got up and took his ring off to get in the shower. I wasn't sure if i was supposed to go with him or just stay out of it, i felt awkward because he hadn't asked me to go. He paused. "You coming?" he asked.

"Do you want me there?" I sat up.

"I always want you there," he said. So i got up and went to shower with him. I wasn't sure where we stood or what all i was gonna do, but for now i was gonna stay by his side.

Cayden

I was scared shitless. I didn't know what the fuck was going on and what this meant. One minute i was having a baby with Randi, and the next i might have a 5 year old son. When i had reached out to Keisha i asked her if the kid was mine and she said it was possible. I was beyond pissed. Why would she not tell me that i might have a kid? I would have wanted to know. I would have helped her out and handled my shit.

Even worse than the fear though was the guilt i felt for throwing all this on Randi. She was 7 months pregnant and more vulnerable now than ever, and i wasn't sure she could handle this. She was beyond upset and i was afraid she resented me now. I was the one who wanted the baby and made her all these promises about how our life would be, now this. Last night she had told me it would kill her if someone else had my first child, and i wasn't sure what to do with that. She came home with me anyways but i was pretty sure her staying was dependent on the results. I couldn't help but think about how we had just started moving into the new house, even started working on the nursery.

She sat beside me at the doctor's office, one hand in mine and the other on her belly. I was glad she had agreed to come with me because she kept me calm. Keisha and her son were sitting across from us, waiting as well. The whole thing felt like a twisted maury episode and i was beyond uncomfortable but it was more awkward for Randi. She wouldn't say a word to Keisha or even look in her direction. After a few minutes a nurse came and called our names. I kissed Randi's hand before letting it go. "I'll see you in a lil bit," i said.

"I'll be here," she said with a small smile.

I gave a bunch of samples like blood and saliva, they even look some hair. The nurse said we wouldn't find out for a week, they had to take everything to a lab then they'd call us. So another week of this not knowing.

I had to go talk to Pat so i dropped Randi off at home then drove to the warehouse. Driving up to it i suddenly got a wave of memories from long before i met Randi. When Trey was still alive and i was doing drops or working on corners. In a way life was easier then, i didn't have any responsibilities, i just had to focus on me and my job, not 100 other niggas and what they doing. But it was sldo harder, i saw a lot when i was doing drops or working on corners. I lost a lot of friends, got shot for the first time. I thought i'd be doing this shit forever, and i was ok with it until SHE came into my life.

"So this it? You really out man?" Pat said, passing me the blunt he had lit.

"Me and Sean madea deal, so its done," i shrugged. "Im just getting my shit in order now."

"So what you gon be doing?" He asked.

"Imma get more involved in my legit businesses, be on some CEO shit. Im working with these nerdy niggas on this app right now and shit is pretty cool, and we bout to make soe mad coin to top it off."

"On some legal shit huh. I see you cuh."

"If you ever get sick of this shit i got you man," i shrugged.

"I appreciate that. You a real one. Eh let me know when that kid get here, i wanna see you on some fatherly shit," he laughed. I chuckled.

"Bet," i said.

After seeing Pat i called Ty so see where he was at. I hadn't told him about everything going on even though that was my nigga, this just felt like something i had to figure out privately first. The dude knew me like a brother though and he guessed something was up i guess from the way i was talking.

"You and miss attitude fighting again?" he asked.

"Nah, not that. Just some shit going on," i said,making a turn at the light.

"Yall gon be aight, i know that for a fact. Can't neither one of yall live without the other," he said.

"I hope you right fam," i said. I pulled into the parking lot. I was stopping by the store to pick up flowers and ice cream for Randi. "let me go in this store real quick. Imma catch you later." I hung up and got out the car.

When i got home Randi wasn't downstairs so i went up to the room to look for her. She was sleeping in the bed but she got up when i opened the door.

"My bad," i said, "I didn't know you were sleeping."

"It's ok," she said sitting up.

"I got you these, and ice cream too. Its downstairs," i handed her the flowers.

"They're beautiful" she smelled them.

"You're beautiful," i said, she laughed. "No seriously." I grabbed her chin affectionately. "You still love me right?" She nodded.

"Im always gonna love you Cayden," she said, which gave me hope. "even if we aren't together." That last part was like a knife to the heart.

Cole

Ty had agreed to move in with me after some persuading and well thought out arguments. He realized it was easier for him to commute than me because he didn’t work on a set schedule. I had to be at practice or games at strict times.

We were moving all his boxes in to the apartment. My place was really nice and spacious. It was a big apartment downtown and a few guys from the team lived in the building. Ty was coming in with a box when Devon walked by, in his way to his place down the hall.

“Ah shit! Is this the boyfriend?” He hollered, stopping in the doorway. I chuckled when I saw him and his huge grin.

“Yes. This is him. Ty, this my homie Devon,” i introduced them briefly.

“Cole hasn’t shut up about you moving in man,” Devon said. Ty grinned, feeling himself. I rolled my eyes.

"I said it once," i said, opening a box that was on the floor.

"He's a clingy nigga," Tyga said, "But i like it."

"Whatever," i said, walking to the door to leave and get more stuff. I was the clingy person in our relationship though. Ty was a bit more withdrawn, but it worked.

Devon left after a while and it was just us again. I was opening a box when i started thinking about the fact that i never thought this would work with me and him.

"You know, we never would have gotten back together if you hadn't almost died," i pointed out. He paused for a long time, thinking back to that time. "Sorry, i didn't mean to make you think about all that,"i said quickly, realising.

"It's ok. I guess you right. It took a coma and almost dying for me to fully accept myself and my feelings for you. Guess my mama was right, i am hardheaded." We both laughed. After a few minutes i asked,

"Do you still think about it?" i asked. I meant getting shot.

"Sometimes, randomly. Not like actually getting shot but mostly about being knocked out for so long," He said, unwrapping something.

"What was it like?"

"I don't exactly remember. I just remember wanting to wake up, to get up, and i coudn't. That...was pretty scary. Sometimes i be having dreams about that, wanting to move but i can't," he said quietly. I stopped what i was doing to really look at him. Vulnerable Ty was so rare.

"That sounds scary," i said. "I have bad dreams sometimes to. That you didn't make it. But not so much anymore," i explained. He nodded. We continued packing and that was that. That little conversation was a lot for us though.

After some unpacking we ordered food and ate it like animals. We hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was 5pm now.

"So you staying here tonight?" i asked. I knew he had a lot of work to do because things were busy now. Cayden was getting out and Sean was taking over so people were in a bit of panic. He was helping Cayden sort things out.

"Nah. I gotta go back. Imma be here tomorrow though," he said. I nodded.

"Ok. I guess i can start putting some of your  stuff away, if you don't mind," i offered.

"Awe, how sweet," he teased. I scowled.

"Put away your own shit then," i said, turning to leave. He grabbed my arm.

"Nah but forreal that would be lit, you know im bad at being organized and shit."

"Oh i know, ive slept at your place," i said. He gave me a mug and i howled. "Im playing," i pulled him closer by the arm to kiss him.

"I gotta get going soon," he said. I nodded.

"Do your thing. I have practice in a few hours anyways," i said. I wasn't really phased by his coming and going because i understood that was the job, and we generally weren't attached at the hip. I think it worked because we both had our own thing going. But not gonna lie it was nice to come home to someone at the end of the day and now we'd be doing that more.

"I'll see you tomorrow night," he said. He paused. "I love you," he said. I grinned.

"Bruh you soft," i said. His face dropped and i laughed. "I love you too," i kissed him one last time.

[mywinestainedheart]

Depression, Anxiety and … Cigarettes?

I’m not a smoker.

I know this because I take three drags then let it burn to the butt between my fingers. Sometimes it dies before I even take those three drags because I’m not pulling hard enough. Other times I put it out myself and get back to that same stick a week later.

I hate the taste. I usually eat something or wash my mouth out with toothpaste to get rid of it. I hate the smell. I wash my hands three times, toss my jerseys into the washing machine and hang my head over the bathtub for a conditioner-rinse to douse all traces of the scent.

I’m not a smoker.

What I am is a heartbroken, social media stalking, recently-diagnosed-with-depression twenty-eight year old woman trying to quell the anxiety she’s, apparently, been living with since her teenage years. Childhood bullying and molestation sob-stories aside, I always knew there was something functionally wrong with me.

Online descriptions of depression will detail a broad list of symptoms that essentially claim everyone in the world to be depressed. Sleep disorderliness, apathy, agitation, lack of concentration, poor appetite etc., etc. By that standard, my whole first year class at uni was depressed, so I never thought much of it. Besides, this would happen in bouts. It was never consistent. I’d experience an odd wave of anxiety that would come out of nowhere, but hang out with my smoker friends and feel fine for the next five to ten minutes. The next day, that anxiety might even be gone. I would have breakdowns and cry about feeling ugly, vapid and worthless, then eventually sober to no sense of feelings at all. I tend to overthink and get angry very easily. Someone cutting me off in traffic can have me ruminating over it for the rest of the day. I prefer to keep to myself, yet I’m constantly seeking distractions. In childhood it was imaginary worlds through Barbie dolls, in adulthood it was sex. Happiness would come and go, but pessimistic thoughts about myself, my life and my chances of finding love in a partner the way it seemed so easy for all my prettier friends were an ever-present influence on my psyche.

People will tell you “just snap out of it”, “think positive”, “thoughts become things” and, my personal favourite, “choose to be happy”. Well, gee! I never thought of that, clueless Life Orientation teacher who has probably never stepped out of her comfort zone within the northern suburbs of Johannesburg. Imma just wake up tomorrow and tell myself to be in a better mood.

I had learned to exist in this way: Feeling empty and, fittingly, not having a name for it. Feeling sad and not having a reason for it. Overthinking and comparing myself to every girl who walked into the room because I believed that everyone else could see how much lesser than I was compared to her too. I would come up after brushing my teeth to stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and wonder what it would be like to just not exist anymore.

We used to live in an upmarket housing complex in Johannesburg. People who lived in this area are usually well off. They aren’t thought to have problems, and yet, we had a neighbour whose husband shot himself in the complex park. Years later, I heard of a former high school classmate of mine who shot himself in the middle of the street in the same area.

It got me thinking: People who are only occasionally sad, like me, don’t frequently envy people who had the gall to commit suicide, do they?

The first time I went to a psychiatrist was because I broke down in front of my mother the night before. My heart was bleeding from a breakup I hated that I was going through. This man insisted that I “didn’t deserve him”, but the twenty-four-year-old yuppie he used to go to school with, for some reason, did. He picked her over me and he’s happy with his choice. Put that on top of an entire existence of feeling lesser than, and I realised I was a ticking timebomb.

I was toying with the idea of suicide and noticed that the only thing holding me back was a fear of the unknown.

These thoughts are not new, by the way. I’d been having them since childhood. The one I entertained the most was standing behind the kitchen door with a knife to my chest, so that when someone swung the door open, the blade would push through my ribcage. Obviously, this would not be as simple in execution, but I was nine and it was a fantasy. Give me a break.

Upon hearing that I was thinking of killing myself, my mother chortled and told me “you’re behaving like a teenager”. That response would be the number one reason I have never spoken about my deeper feelings with my mom before this. It wasn’t that she didn’t know how to love, it was that she didn’t understand that someone like me required a different type of love. A child might not say so because they themselves don’t know what it is, but there will always be subtle signs of a mood disorder. In hindsight, I’d displayed a number of them, but I was dismissed as being anti-social, sullen or attention-seeking.

“I’m just so tired,” I remember saying, choking on my own tears.

“Of what?” My mother demanded. She couldn’t understand what I could possibly be talking about. You’re only twenty-eight, you have a roof over your head and both parents that love you. You have a job. We’ve given you a car. You have freedom. You have friends. What on earth could have you crying like the world was coming to an end?

“Everything,” I said. Because that was the truth. I was tired of everything. I was tired of waking up every morning and remembering that the man I loved had chosen someone else over me. I was tired of driving for an hour every day to get into town, passing everything that reminded me of him and the breakup (including him and his new girlfriend in the middle of traffic). I was tired of going to a job that was adding nothing to my career, tired of budgeting a pathetic salary. Tired of waiting on my father and his promises that he was setting me up on a different career path, tired of eating the same food everyday (if I even remembered to eat). Tired of smoking cigarettes with my cousins cause I felt like if I was failing this badly at life then I may as well smoke up and hope for cancer, and I was absolutely exhausted with the idea that I had lost my twenty-four-year-old niece; a bodacious lover of life who’d existed on a seemingly never-ending vibration of confidence and positivity, to a senseless car accident, but here I was, still breathing.

Someone who deserved life was cemented in the ground. I woke up every morning wishing we could trade places.

The psychiatrist let me talk for a few minutes before diagnosing me as depressed and suicidal. Considering multiple factors and incidences I’d described in session, she said the depression has been there my whole life and that my break up was the lit cigarette that rolled too close to the leaky-gas pipe in my identity, causing this implosion.

Note, I’m not blaming my ex for my mental instability. How could he have known if I didn’t know? I’d had my suspicions, but, like my mother; telling him would have likely amounted to him (initially) dismissing me as being dramatic. What he saw as a “crazy” display of raw insecurity was probably the starter flames of this inferno. Again, not his fault, but he was certainly a contributor, and I find myself struggling not to resent him for that. But that’s a blog post for another time.

The psychiatrist prescribes me anti-depressants, some other drug that causes drowsiness, and orders to me to eight months of therapy with a nice woman she recommends in the area I live now. All I’m hearing is money, money and more money. I can’t afford any of this on what I make, and my dad is a businessman whose entire income is dependent on deals. Sometimes we have more money than we know what to do with, other times we’re so broke that there’s a negotiation between toilet paper and breakfast cereal. At twenty-eight, I’m officially jaded with the financial instability I grew up in, so I dismiss the idea of therapy entirely. Why start something only to stop because we can’t afford it anymore? Besides, I’d apparently been living with this raging beast my whole life. Surely, we could find a way to co-exist once again? Like Venom and Eddie Brock.

I say thanks but no thanks to the medication and go home with a mother who suddenly has a whole new understanding of me. She’s attentive when she talks now, and says ‘I love you’ before she hangs up the phone. Confessing my diagnosis to my father shouldn’t have felt embarrassing, but it did. I hated that he might now see me as weak. I was the one child he didn’t have to worry about. I had a sassy attitude and a smart mouth. I was assertive in my speech and tolerated no bullshit. I could hold my own against anyone, and I knew he was proud of me for that. How would he perceive me after I admitted that I’m not as strong as I pretend to be?

The truth? No different. I was still his daughter. The only change I noticed is that he looks at me when he talks to me (more attentive, like my mother) and makes a point of using my family nickname when he says good morning, hello or goodbye. He’s also trying harder to make sure his planned career path for me falls into place, but I’m no longer holding my breath.

As for me and my revelation of my diagnosis? Like I said, I always knew that there was something functionally wrong with me. I just have a name for it now. I’m still battling with the ideas of death and how I would do it. The running fantasy now is one I usually entertain before bed about slitting my wrists and sliding into a bathtub. Morbid, I know, but it’s the only way I can seem to find sleep these days: Thinking of no longer existing helps me transition into a state where I no longer exist for a little while. I’m not about to slit my wrists any time soon (besides, my pain threshold has a limit. If I were going to kill myself I wouldn’t pick a method quite so agonising and messy), but I recognise that these are not healthy thought processes. I do think I need therapy. After all, you have to learn how to love yourself before anyone else can love you and all that, right? I want to overcome this. I want to see progression in my life and my career. I don’t want my ex to believe he dodged a stagnant bullet the next time he bumps into me—or give him the satisfaction of knowing he was the catalyst of my failure.

I want to be happy.

So as I take my third drag of my last cigarette of 2019, I pray to a Deity I have a shaky belief in and tell myself that this is my rock bottom. It can’t possibly get any worse from here.

Or can it?

I suppose only my next move, and time, will tell.

[love-someone-special]

92 Truths

I was tagged by my lovely friend and beta @nicolouis-flamelinson

LAST

Drink: Gin and Tonic (it’s Christmas, lemme live)

Phone call: My cousin called me from upstairs with a baking emergency (it was not an emergency, I got out of bed for nothing.)

Song you listened to: How to Make Gravy by Paul Kelly. A masterpiece. A Christmas masterpiece.

Time you cried: I cried like three mornings ago whislt listening to niall horan on the couch. Rough hangover. Some bad life decisions. Mourning my innocence. The usual.

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: No, I have not! No one’s ever wanted to date me once let alone twice, so. Natural selection?

Been cheated on: Nope. Probably will tho, so I’ll let you know. I might start an update blog on it.

Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes? I mean, sort of? I couldn’t figure out if I regretted it or not. Hence the crying on the couch the other day.

Lost someone special: Yes, and no. Because no one you lose is ever special enough if they didn’t stay. (except for my grandpa. He was the specialest.)

Been depressed: As in, depression? No. Do I have sad days? Regularly.

Been drunk and thrown up: No! I can proudly say no. I have drank. I have thrown up. But neither of those things were caused by the other.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yes! Yes I have! And I love them all dearly!

Fallen out of love: Honey I haven’t even managed to fall in love yet how do you expect me to fall out of her?

Laughed until you cried: that “never have I ever” video with the boys on the jonathan ross show? You know the one? Kills me. Also, the gif of harry falling like a cartoon character across the whole stage. Gets me every time.

Met someone who changed you: I’ve changed every day of my life for one reason or another. But yes, is the short answer. Many.

Found out who your true friends are: Every year. Without fail. It’s like spring cleaning, but it also helps you clean out your photo albums. And contacts.

Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah the other day my mum was telling some other mum about how I was at the same school as their kid. I was pissed. Mum and I don’t talk any more.

GENERAL

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life: none? Soz.

Do you have any pets?: I have my beautiful beautiful beautiful golden retriever who has my whole heart forever and I love her.

Do you want to change your name?: I’m getting a middle name! One day! Soon! Hopefully!

What time did you wake up this morning?: 9.03am I can’t even sleep in properly anymore I’m ruined.

What were you doing last night?: Spending the evening with my beautiful family, and fic writing.

Name something you cannot wait for: Louis Tomlinson’s album. One direction reunion tour.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: I have. Multiple. They’re (mostly) all brilliant and lovely.

What’s getting on your nerves right now?: when people leave wet towels on the bathroom floor. I’m about to move OUT because of this shit.

Blood type: this is a thing? Like people just, know this? I honestly could not tell you for the life of me. I think my bloods red though, if that helps?

Nickname: undefined. Unrevealed. Will share one day perhaps.

Relationship status: if you don’t know I don’t know., life’s tough.

Zodiac: Gemini (Imma twin and I act like it)

Pronouns: She/her

Favorite show: Brooklyn Nine Nine and Friends. And the Gilmore Girls.

College: yea college exists. Am I there yet? Not quite. Working on it. stop pressuring me.

Hair colour: I get told it’s like an ombre. I would mostly call it golden though.

Do you have a crush on someone?: yeah. I think. Perhaps? Maybe. Idk. Come back to me.

What do you like about yourself?: I have the rad ability to remember lyrics straight of the bat. I also love that I’m happy to be living. I Genuinely like to participate in life, which is something I like about myself, yes.

FIRSTS

Surgery: yah. Got an ovary removed. Have a super lovely scar (several actually). It was good fun.

Piercing: the regular on the ears. Considering cartilage tho. Anyone got any thoughts on that?

Sport you joined: ugh. Sports. I hate. But tee ball! Is that how you spell it? I don’t even know.

Vacation: I think I went to paris when I was like, one. first one that I can remember is probs England.

Pair of sneakers: the delightful converses. Wore them to pieces.

RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing. So full from Christmas dinner. I ate wayyyy too much dessert.

Drinking: Water. Gotta stay hydrated bitches.

I’m about to: Continue fic writing gotta go gotta get the job done.

Listening to: the click of my keyboard and the sound of the ocean.

Want kids?: Yes. No doubt about it I want babies. Not just yet. But god do I want babies.

Get married?: Ofcourse. In fact, I plan to do it before I have the babies.

Career: currently I’m a student. Fun, right? But the dream career I want is to be a writer/publisher.

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: Eyes (when they’re really blue or a beautiful brown or bright green or literally any type of eye I’m bound to fall in love with you) (tho don’t get me wrong a good pair of lips will have me tripping)

Hugs or kisses: Hugs. (the long ones where they really wrap you up and it’s all calm and lovely? Yeah, those ones.)

Shorter or taller: Shorter (that way you don’t have to bend down, less work.)

Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous (spontaneity can be romantic. Give me both)

Sensitive or loud: Both! At once! Give me the sensitive loud ones! Where my hufflepuffs at?!?!

Hook up or relationship: undecided. Depends on the person.

Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker (more fun. Also, you get to blame everything on them)

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: No I haven’t. I seem to have made it a rule I only kiss people I’ve known for over five years. it’s been a problematic approach so far.

Drank hard liquor: yewwwwwwwww. Shots shots shots shots shots. Does this make me all cool and teen and rock chic? Hang on lemme grab the leather jacket my mum bought for me.

Lost contacts/glasses: Don’t wear em.

Sex on first date: I have not. I also would not. Obviously, sex is a prior to first date kinda thing.

Broken someone’s heart: yes. I didn’t mean to. And I’m still sorry.

Been arrested: can’t say I have. That’s one for the new years resolutions tho.

Turned someone down: ah. Yes. Regularly.

Fallen for a friend: ah. Yes. Regularly.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: sometimes. Generally it has to be before 3pm on a Tuesday. If not, chances are slim.

Miracles: Yes. I’ve held miracles in my arms (not to get like fake deep) so yes, I believe in them.

Love at first sight: No. not yet anyhow. If someone wants to change that belief, be my guest.

Heaven: As an atheist planning to take down the catholic church, I’m gonna have to say no purely because I know I wouldn’t get in.

Santa Claus: Don’t make me say it.

i tag @panacottalarry @dr-frederick-chilton @obviouslybecauselarry @yves--saint--louis

[xhanac]

Kay so @oswald–copperpot tagged me in this (thank u for tagging me btw) so I’m gonna answer some questions.

The rules are basically that you have to answer these 83 statements and tag 20 ppl but fuck it, I have literally no friends on here so I’m just gonna tag @locoalma10, yay

the last…

1. drink: ehh..water, ikr I’m boring

2. phone call: probably my mom, don’t rlly remember tho :/

3. text message: a friend, sth about her ex

4. song you listened to: Fourth of July by Fall out Boy, for some reason it reminds me of Twist&Shout and I wanna cry ;_;

5. time you cried: like a week ago cus I had a pretty bad fight with my mom…ya

6. dated someone twice: nah

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nah

8. been cheated on: I mean I hope never..

9. lost someone special: idk man

10. been depressed: lel that’s kinda a constant thing..kidding kidding..kinda..idk man

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: a year ago approximately, t’was pretty bad dammit never doing that again

favorite colors…

12. vantablack (I know it’s not an actual color, still putting it down cus it looks like the void and I love it, damn you Anish Kapoor)

13. red

14. rainbow cus I’m gay

in the last year have you…

15. made a new friend: yiss

16. fallen out of love: nah

17. laughed until you cried: yah probably

18. found out someone was talking about you: ya

19. met someone who changed you: ye

20. found out who your friends are: ehh..probably..idk, don’t really get the question :/

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: if that means we’re friends on fb then yeah

general…

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them..like I’ve met most of them but they’re mostly random ppl from my old school and stuff so I don’t really know them

23. do you have any pets: ye, I have a dawg named Shanti and I had a westie called Whisky but he died a couple of years ago :/

24. do you want to change your name: ye

25. what did you do for your last birthday: went out for drinks with a couple of friends and stuff.. also had a bunch of sushi which was nice

26. what time do you wake up: ehh…6.30am when I’ve got school, 4pm now that it’s summertime.. don’t look at me, I’m a terrible person, idc tho, sleep is a blessing 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: asleep, I was on a trip that completely exhausted me so I went to sleep super early

28. name something you can’t wait for: to enter university so I can stop stressing out about it

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: couple of hours ago

30. what are you listening to right now: myself typing..my laptop ventilator…ehh…a crushing silence that surrounds me, making me aware of the weighing possibility that I might as well be floating in nothingness, on my own cus quite possibly nothing is real, the world as I know it might as well just be a computer simulation, everybody I ever met might be no more but a mere coded image and my own feeling of self might be no more but a code sbdy wrote to make me feel like I’m real, even though nothing really is….idfk man it’s 3am and I’m bored, I’m supposed to wake up early tomorrow to go to work smh, ded

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I mean probably

32. something that is getting on your nerves: college applications

33. most visited website: tumblr.com cus I’m gay and have a flare for social justice..kidding..I mean that too I guess but I just like to look/read about mah gay ships and tumblr seems to be the right place for that

34. hair color: brown

35. long or short hair: it was kinda long but I’m probably getting a haircut soon so it’s gonna be short then

36. do you have a crush on someone: ya

37. what do you like about yourself: ehh..idk, I’m fluent in three languages (kay, semi-fluent in the third one, still proud of it tho), also I can draw pretty decently I guess

38. piercings: two on my left ear, I’d really like to get a lip piercing tho

39. blood type: uhh.. idk 

40. nickname: luc, das it

41. relationship status: relationships are confusing don’t talk to me

42. zodiac: capricorn

43. pronouns: she/her I guess

44. favorite tv show: Gotham atm cus nygmobblepot, OITNB, Sherlock, Supernatural, Avatar (both the last airbender and legend of Korra, both are rlly good honestly), Skam, also currently watching Black Mirror (San Junipero tho literally murder me that shit is magnificent)…also, does anime count as tv shows? I’m deciding it does cus I wanna talk about anime. Attack on Titan, Tokyo Ghoul, Black Butler, Noragami, Death Note, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Ao no Exorcist, Soul Eater, Owari no Seraph, Durarara, Hataraku Maou-sama,, Gangsta., No.6…

45. tattoos: don’t have any but they’re dope and I want them

46. right or left handed: left-handed.. but I’ve been kinda trying to write/draw with my right cus I’m bored and I like the word ambidextrous so I’m trying to achieve that

47. surgery: nah

48. sport: I used to play tennis a lot when I was younger but I haven’t done that in years, seems like an entire lifetime ago

49. vacation: I wanna go to Japan

50. pair of trainers: does this mean do I have them? yeah I have a pair of trainers

more general…

51. eating: sushi slays my existence

52. drinking: water, cedevita, idk

53. I’m about to: make myself go to sleep cus I have to wake up early and it’s 3.38am already wtf Imma die tomorrow

54. waiting for: idk man…the feeling of contentment, I dunno

55. want: Donald Trump to bite the dust, equal rights, heteronormativity to perish, queerbaiting to return to the pits of hell it crawled out of….I’d also like to learn how to skateboard cus I’m shit at it but I like it

56. get married: like…in the future..maybe..I dunno man that’s a question for the future and the future ain’t here yet

57. career: dunno, something within the STEM territory, don’t know what, I’m vv confused

58. hugs or kisses: can I just say both? Ya, both are good

59. lips or eyes: goddammit both again

60. shorter or taller: idc

61. older or younger: idc

62. nice arms or nice stomach: what does this question even mean.. I mean nice is a subjective term so idk

63. hook up or relationship: relationship

64. troublemaker or hesitant: I dunno.. neither

65. kissed a stranger: nah but I was randomly kissed by some girl once whom I only spoke to for like 5 minutes prior..it was weird and it annoyed me cus I don’t even know her and she didn’t even ask smh -.-

66. drank hard liquor: ya

67. lost glasses/contact lenses: too many times…too many times 

68. turned someone down: some guys way back in middleschool I guess

69(lol). sex on the first date: nah

70. broken someone’s heart: hope not, don’t think so

71. had your heart broken: nah

72. been arrested: nah

73. cried when someone died: ya

74. fallen for a friend: I dunno man

do you believe in…

75. yourself: lol.

76. miracles: bruh I’m the Gamzee Makara of miraces ..kay kidding I mean idk

77. love at first sight: if it’s at first sight it means y’all don’t even know each other…can’t love sbdy you don’t know that’s weird

78. santa claus: pedophile, what I mean yeah nope

79. kiss on the first date: I mean why not

80. angels: the first person I thought about was Castiel so yeah, hope so

other…

81. current best friend’s name: Ludwig II of Bavaria

82. eye color: brown

83. favorite movie: probably all three of the LOTR movies..

Kay well that was fun, also it’s 5am cus I’m slow af goddammit

@oswald–copperpot thank you again for tagging me, this was dope :)

[jo-the-schmo]

Doing it

I'm following @whatinfreenation 's example and do all dem questions (no one cared or asked for this but imma hit you) 200: My crush’s name is: I'm lonely and scared of relationships 
199: I was born in: Dayton, Ohio (Fuck me)
198: I am really: chronically depressed and anxious 
197: My cellphone company is: AT&T
196: My eye color is: blue-gray
195: My shoe size is: Women's 5
194: My ring size is: idk people just give me them
193: My height is: 5'2 (I'm smol)
192: I am allergic to: people 
191: My 1st car was: I choose not to drive 
190: My 1st job was: babysitting except I get no money 
189: Last book you read: In Cold Blood
188: My bed is: covered in clothes
187: My pet: is many, I have many pets
186: My best friend: is a little shit
185: My favorite shampoo is: MOTHERFUCKING DOVE ORANGE BLOSSOM YAS BITCH
184: Xbox or ps3: I have an Xbox but I prefer PlayStation 
183: Piggy banks are: Cute
182: In my pockets: I'm wearing exercise pants 
181: On my calendar: I don't have one but if I did it would be empty 
180: Marriage is: Scary
179: Spongebob can: love forever
178: My mom: is a bitch (yell at me if you want)
177: The last three songs I bought were?: I use Spotify
176: Last YouTube video watched: Game Grumps play Breath of the Wild episode 33
175: How many cousins do you have?: I'm Italian I have no fucking clue, too many
174: Do you have any siblings?: Yes, I am the youngest of 5 girls
173: Are your parents divorced?: never married, I was born out of wedlock (how scandalous)
172: Are you taller than your mom?: the same height, we all short
171: Do you play an instrument?: yes! I play several!
170: What did you do yesterday?: Cried myself to sleep [ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: Fuck no
168: Luck: eh
167: Fate: not really 
166: Yourself: Definitely not
165: Aliens: I mean probably 
164: Heaven: Nooo
163: Hell: I wish
162: God: I don't have religion 
161: Horoscopes: I think they're neat
160: Soul mates: Kinda?
159: Ghosts: yeah, I believe in ghosts for a lot of reasons 
158: Gay Marriage:OMFG YES I AM SO GAY AND SJEKDJEJSKKS
157: War:Is horrible, why do we have to be like this?
156: Orbs: what?
155: Magic: I wish! [ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs, last time I was kissed...it wasn't great for me
153: Drunk or High: 420!!!!
152: Phone or Online: Online
151: Red heads or Black haired: All hair, no hair, all the same for me
150: Blondes or Brunettes: whatever you want boo boo
149: Hot or cold: hot
148: Summer or winter: Summer
147: Autumn or Spring: SPRING
146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla usually but chocolate is really nice 
145: Night or Day: Night
144: Oranges or Apples: Apples
143: Curly or Straight hair: I love curly hair!
142: McDonalds or Burger King: I'm trash and hungry 
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: I just like milk in general
140: Mac or PC: ehhhhh
139: Flip flops or high heals: Heels, I like to kick people with them on
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I'm ugly and poor
137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke 
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama is a G
135: Burried or cremated: Idk yet 
134: Singing or Dancing: Fuck you
133: Coach or Chanel: I'm poor
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idek
131: Small town or Big city: Big City
130: Wal-Mart or Target: I go to Walmart but I wish it was Target
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who cares?
128: Manicure or Pedicure: I need short nails
127: East Coast or West Coast: MOTHERFUCKING WEST BITCJ
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas, I hate my birthday 
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 
124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney!
123: Yankees or Red Sox: I don't do sportsball [ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: again, is fucking terrible
121: George Bush: Obama was cool so idec
120: Gay Marriage: IS JUST AS VALID AS STRAIGHT MARRIAGE OR MARRIAGE BETWEEN PEOPLE OF OPPOSITE SEX
119: The presidential election: was a train wreck, we should've felt the burn
118: Abortion: Needs to be legal in all states, by making it illegal we are putting more people at risk of harm 
117: MySpace: 3 old 5 me kinda
116: Reality TV: Do whatever you want TV I'm not your mama
115: Parents: my dad is cool, my mom is crazy, step mom is chill, step dad can go FUCKING DIE
114: Back stabbers: need to cease from stabbing 
113: Ebay: gets rid of my dad's crap
112: Facebook: ok I guess 
111: Work: I just wanna help people
110: My Neighbors: I don't know them
109: Gas Prices:I don't drive 
108: Designer Clothes: eh whatever
107: College: I want to go but I'm really dumb and not good at anything
106: Sports: Color Guard is my favorite sport
105: My family: is oddly chill for Roman Catholics 
104: The future: A thing I try to hope will be better [ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: a few days ago, I was sad
102: Last time you ate: I am eating right now
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: today, I'm visiting my mom and 2 of my sisters
100: Cried in front of someone: A couple months ago, I don't like people seeing me cry...
99: Went to a movie theater: like 2 months ago
98: Took a vacation: 5 years ago
97: Swam in a pool: last summer
96: Changed a diaper: I help my sister babysit 
95: Got my nails done: never
94: Went to a wedding: my dad's wedding 4 years ago
93: Broke a bone: I haven't done that yet
92: Got a peircing: I'm getting one soon
91: Broke the law: I am very dank
90: Texted: 6 hours ago [ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: my Best Friend KD
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my ability to cry in my room
87: The last movie I saw: A Time to Kill (I can't think about that)
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Possibly not feeling depressed? And finishing my fanfic!!!
85: The thing im not looking forward to: What I do after the fanfic is done
84: People call me: Jo or Mojo
83: The most difficult thing to do is: To look at yourself and tell yourself that you are worth it when you don't feel like you are
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope
81: My zodiac sign is: Capricorn 
80: The first person i talked to today was: my sister May :3
79: First time you had a crush: I was like 10
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: I can hide something from anyone I do it all the time
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Everyday I'm with KD, we are turning into the same person 
76: Right now I am talking to: Tayah 💜💚💜
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I either want to be a makeup artist, drama teacher, or art teacher
74: I have/will get a job: I want to, don't know if I'll live that long hahahahahah
73: Tomorrow: might be better
72: Today: I don't like visiting my mom
71: Next Summer: I'll be with my mom
70: Next Weekend: I'll be with my mom
69: I have these pets: many dogs and cats
68: The worst sound in the world: that sound that Music stands make against smooth tile 
67: The person that makes me cry the most is:
66: People that make you happy: my Tumblr friends💜💚💜
65: Last time I cried: last night
64: My friends are: Anyone who's nice to me
63: My computer is: not mine
62: My School: Can suck my dick, Lord Travis Richardson III
61: My Car: doesn't exist 
60: I lose all respect for people who: Hurt people out of amusement 
59: The movie I cried at was: A time to Kill 
58: Your hair color is: naturally it's a light brown 
57: TV shows you watch: Sleepy Hollow
56: Favorite web site:...Tumblr...
55: Your dream vacation: Naples, Italy
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: Panic Attacks
53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium well
52: My room is: odd
51: My favorite celebrity is: DAVEED DIGGS
50: Where would you like to be: in with New York, North California or Oregon
49: Do you want children: I want to adopt
48: Ever been in love: I don't feel love
47: Who’s your best friend: KD
46: More guy friends or girl friends: It used to be guys but now they scare me
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Makeup
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Anyone who can help me feel better
43: Do you have a 5 year plan:
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No, because I can't think about dying too much ;-;
41: Have you pre-named your children: I promised my sister that if I adopted/had a baby girl her name had to be Winnrie 
40: Last person I got mad at: Myself
39: I would like to move to: anywhere but here
38: I wish I was a professional: Makeup Artist [ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Gummy Bears :3
36: Vehicle: motorcycle 
35: President: OBAMA
34: State visited: America is weird
33: Cellphone provider: I don't care
32: Athlete: I don't follow
31: Actor: Lin Manuel-Miranda
30: Actress: PIPA SOO MY BB
29: Singer: does Daveed count?
28: Band: Queen and Black Veil Brides
27: Clothing store: Hot Topic
26: Grocery store: Jungle Jim's (it's an Ohio things)
25: TV show: SLEEPY HOLLOW
24: Movie: Tangled
23: Website: always Tumblr 
22: Animal: panther
21: Theme park: King's Island
20: Holiday: Halloween 
19: Sport to watch: WGI
18: Sport to play: MARCHING BAND
17: Magazine:History
16: Book: history text book
15: Day of the week: Thursday 
14: Beach: I don't do water
13: Concert attended: I've never been...
12: Thing to cook: Pasta!
11: Food: all food
10: Restaurant: all of them
9: Radio station: nope
8: Yankee candle scent: wedding cake 
7: Perfume: I wear Captivate
6: Flower: Bleeding Hearts an baby's breath 
5: Color: Purple and Green
4: Talk show host: Jimmy Fallon and John Oliver 
3: Comedian: Gabriel Iglesias 
2: Dog breed: Mutt Wuppy 
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? I have no reason to lie I guess ?

[themysteriousballetanon]

*sees an ask meme and creeps into ur inbox* i think you know what imma say :3c

Curses!

This is gonna be hella long so I’ll stick it under the cut, ‘K?

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

oh, that IS a tricky one! I guess something I’, confused about is what to make next? Like, craft wise. 

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

most mornings, in the group chat...But I usually say ‘Good Morning’ first, because I’m usually the first awake.

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

Honestly? Yeah, I think I would. Like, not in a bad way, but it’s not something I’m totally comfortable with.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

Depends on what I’m trusting them with, I guess...Although I have been told I’m too naive and trusting...

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Watching XXXHolic.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

I don’t drink? But if I Was drinking probably Katie or Dan.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Break up with them. That’s it. No second chances. 

8: Are you close with your dad?

Yeah, pretty close.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

Sorry, I haven’t kissed anyone in years...

10: What are you listening to?

Falling In Love -Us the Duo

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Water, obviously. 

12: Do you like hickeys?

I guess? I’m not against them?

13: What time do you go to bed?

Around 12am or 1am

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Not anymore....

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

not at all. I am such a shitty texter. I struggle to text and walk homie.

16: Do you always answer your texts?

Depends on who you are. If I know you’re gonna call me if I send you a text there is a very good chance I will avoid texting back.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

Not at all. I don’t think I could every hate somebody I love, or loved.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

literally right now.

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

Most of my friends make me happy when I see them, because I don’t get to see them very often

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I don’t remember. 

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

Nope

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

not really.

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

I...guess so? 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no. I have no interest in every speaking to those people again. Ever.

25: In the past week, have you cried?

Nope.

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

Dark Gray.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

No. Although I wouldn’t mind if they did.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

How would I know? They’re ignoring me?

29: Do you have a best friend?

Aye.

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

Not really, she can kiss whoever she likes.

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

I just called @pocketseatincheesecake to help her find her phone.

32: Are you mad at anyone?

Not really. I am in a constant state of ‘fuck you’ to a few select people though.

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

No.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

19, I think.

35: How many more days until your birthday?

Oh god, so many. 

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

I’m in summer right now, with exactly 0 plans. 

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Yeah! 

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

Nope.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Yes. 

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

Yes, if the age gap is huge.

42: Are you available?

romantically? No. For a chat when you need it? Always.

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

One.

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

maybe a tongue bar? 

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yeah!

46: Do you regret anything?

Oh homie. So much. 

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

That I am so annoyed at myself for reblogging such a long list....

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

I’ve lost plenty of them. Moving around a lot as a kid will do that.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

I don’t think so.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Because I already have her?

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

Yeah.

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Every now and again.

53: What was the last thing you ate?

A kit-kat bar...I should probably eat real food soon...

54: Did you get any compliments today?

Nope.

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

No idea. I would like to visit Rockhampton though, see all my friends again.

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

Sure. Most of my stuff is made in china after all

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

more girls than boys. But pretty close though.

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

Everywhere man. I been lots of places. 

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

Define a long drive? longer than 5 hours? It was a few years ago.

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

No.

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No. Also, thats such an asshole thing to do, why would you do that??

62: Who do you text the most?

Group Chat. (The Nothing Better to do Club)

63: What was the last movie you saw?

‘Why Him?” a few hours ago.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

Nothing that I know of. If she thinks that’s where she will be happy I think she should go. 

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

Zero.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

Yes.

67: Do you curse around your parents?

Not if I can help it.

68: Are you happy with where you live?

yeah, I’m actually a lot happier where I am now in comparison to where I was.

69: Picture of yourself?

Enjoy the shitty snapchat filter and my busted ass phone.

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

I think that if you’re going to commit to someone that what should happen. 

71: Have you ever been dumped?

No.

72: What do you most like about making out?

I’ve never made out with anyone before.

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Obviously not.

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

The other person. I’m a coward at that sort of stuff.

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

It’s different for guys and girls. For guys I like height. For girls I like legs.

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Group Chat

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

Never had sex before.

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

Refer to the question above. 

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Shitty pickup lines. 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

Sure. If I love them I totally would. 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

She has! And now she’s my girlfriend, so I guess it worked.

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Only my closest friends. 

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

Sweetie? Like, my last partner? Not at all. We dated a week and then I ended it because he was going way too fast. 

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

Year 12 Formal.

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

I’m doing it right now. 

86: How can I win your heart?

Shitty jokes my friend. 

87: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping, I think.

89: Do you cook?

I’m no chef, but I can cook enough to sustain myself.

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

No.

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

I’m not single. 

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

As I have virtually no dating experience I don’t think I can answer this one.

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

Nice eyes, Nice leggies and taller than me.

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

money, clothes that suit me, a flat tummy, and motivation to write properly. 

95: Are you a player?

I play videogames? 

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

No.

97: Are you a tease?

I don’t think so?

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Not as of yet

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

I don’t know. I guess I’ll know it when I feel it, huh?

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

hey, keep this a secret but I’d totally date @space-pidge. She’s so cute. 

101: Hugs or Kisses?

Can I pick head-pats instead? No? Then hugs.

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

yes. 100% yes. I am the worlds #1 coward.

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

If they’re a jerk or not/

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Um, I guess depends on the context? Like, my friend calls me babe but he uses it like a nickname so I guess it’s kinda cute? maybe??

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

Absolutely not. I refuse to be a part of this sort of thin/

106: Do you flirt a lot?

I dont think so..(?)

107: Your last kiss?

Highschool. So 2015

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no. 

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

no.

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

@freckled-dragons, heck she’s cute. Like daymn. 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

Nope. 

112: Does someone like you currently?

I think I’ve made it clear who I like.

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Bruh.

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

I’ve never really had either so I can’t say.

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

Nope.

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

I’m not sure. Like, I know I’m happy to be single, and I haven’t really been in a relationship long enough to know. So I dunno. 

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Fear 06/06/20

So I've talked about many things in my recent bogs bit have not spoken about the limitations that come with having anxiety. This, as per usual had a trigger warning for self-harm anxiety, sexual assault and also suicide mentions, oh and stalking if that's a trigger (funnnn yayyyy).

In the past, I have let my anxiety take over my life in certain parts as a child I was timid. I hated talking to others and struggled to ask for help in class. I was mostly alone and hated most the attention on me so, therefore, I didn't like my birthday because this was always all on me.

My anxiety started to get really bad in year 7 when I started the shithole school I was at, it tore my mental health apart and threw the bits in the air as they celebrated the victory of taking my life over. I thought being shy was just me being nervous. I enjoyed drama a lot I used to do productions outside of school. As soon as it hit GCSE, I did take drama I never regretted it my teacher was very helpful when it came to anxiety and stuff so she would let me do my performances in front of her. One of my friends would do the lighting and encourage me. It helped to have that connection with her that she'd look out for me.

Once college started, I gave up participating in performances. My Anxiety and panic attacks took over me. It was like a wave had suddenly hit me. I was stuck under a stream of anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illnesses. I could barely breathe its what anxiety felt like my panic attacks were very regular id have at least 5 a day just thinking about going outside because people will look at me and judge me it didn't help alongside this I had a lot of stuff to deal with my home life, My self harm my depression and other lovely wonderful traumas.

So after school, I gave up the thing I loved the most drama I used to love being able to be someone else for that hour and forget the problems I used to love the feeling of thinking of a drama piece and being able to script it and performed I loved it.

As soon as college, my anxiety as I have said already got very bad unbearable it began to be bad at the end of school. Still, I continued in drama my panic attacks were bad though before any drama lesson id go into the bathroom have a panic attack self-harm and go in with a smile like nothing had just happed my friend at the time also got anxious about performing wed help each other out with it.

Throughout college, I lost this interest in drama the thought of performing made me feel sick even going to college was enough to trigger a panic attack and Id have multiple in the daytime college first year wasn't a pleasant experience in college was the 2nd time id been sexually assaulted by the same person the college never helped it was traumatising it was on one of the days I had math tutoring my tutor was lovely. She was worried about me this whole experience knocked my anxiety far back and took the person I used to be I was a shadow of myself I still am working on getting that light again,And getting who I used to be back. I'm not going into the assault, but I will do in another blog.

 I will say as much as I hated the job sometimes it helped me a bit with my anxiety as I serve people ice cream, so I have to socialise this did help me massively.

Second-year came around the first day I went to induction was hard as by my previous college I was told id never get far. I wouldn't be able to achieve, so they offered me to do my GCSEs again. I had passed English, and the way that college treated me made me feel was awful. So I moved the morning of induction day I felt sick as frick. It wasn't pleasant. I   had few panic attacks in the quiet corner of the bus and went in it turned to out to be a good day.

I had applied for a course in level 2., but the guy I talked to said I had enough grades to get into level 3 so it was good.

I  got into level three, My anxiety was still terrible. I barely spoke to anyone in the first week or so.

I would wait until the tutor let us go and id practically run out the classroom to either the library or home depending on whether it was hometime or not I was too anxious to socialise with anyone I was like this all the time.

I never asked for help when I needed it having my learning difficulties really affected this as well, I struggled with my written work and maths but was too anxious to ask for help, and I was dyspraxic as fuck.

The third year in college was very hard as all of my friends had moved on and moved off of college or different courses. I struggled with my anxiety massively. After all of my issues, I was back in therapy and finally diagnosed with  Major depression, social anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder which I was given medication for. Still, they ended up triggering a lot of panic attacks at the start but began to help after a while.

 I hid away a lot when I wasn't at college, in fact, my anxiety got so bad that in march of 2019 I gave college up didn't go to college whatsoever my anxiety had got me into a vicious circle of not going in and then getting too anxious to go back into college. So I gave up luckily, my college was still able to give me a qualification they took into account my awful mental state.

My mum has never been the nicest to me, so she didn't know when I was at college I was actually at my mate's house I couldn't face telling them I had a bad panic attack every time I thought about it so they would meet me every morning and id go to their house for the day then come back home after and act like it was college.

Around this time was the time I had an issue with a stalker he was on the bus one day and asked where a particular stop was so I being a good bean I told him, it happened to be the same one as me. That was that reasonable right? Yes, but it wasn't after some time he'd wait for me at the bus stop and 'walk with me' aka stalk me home I was clever though and went to a completely different area and said that was my house and waited till he fucked off. Then id go back I would get into shit for being late home my parents were assholes about it I didn't tell them about all of this.

This went on for about a month, and then I told my friend he encouraged me to call the police. So I did he was there for it he helped me through it. They gave me a lot of support throughout all of this, which set my anxiety off very severely, but they understood my situation.

One evening I was in my room heard a knock at the door my dad got it and called me I came down the stairs and my heart sunk it was the police, I felt so sick in my throat. And I sheepishly walked down the stairs and into the front room. They came to have a chat about all of this, and they were lovely police officers and was very understanding. I think they could see how anxious I was.

After this, I went back upstairs after trying to fight off a panic attack for the whole meeting thingy if you can call it that in the living room. I got upstairs, and my mum shouted for me. I got yelled at for having a stalker, yes I got punished because some dude decided 'hey imma stalk you now give you lifelong trauma' it's not like I was like 'HEY STALK ME' It was rough I went back into my room cut and had a panic attack and cried myself to sleep. You know that feeling when you're in your room trying not to cry too loud holding your hand on your mouth trying not to let anyone hear you well that was what it was like that night. I fell asleep with a blade in my hand crying wishing i wasn't born.

Ever since that I haven't gotten off at the stop in the centre, I always get off early I'm too scared to do otherwise and get off in the usual place.

Summer was hard for my anxiety especially with university coming closer and closer, and I didn't know what was going on with it this was making me more and more anxious my home situation wasn't too great either.

 I wanted to get out of my home. Still, I didn't know what was happening with it once I found out where I was going I didn't have time to think about it as that week I had to apply for accommodation then that weekend I was moving in the next day freshers week began. I was anxious and too scared to trust people being in a flat was hard. Still, I met some pretty amazing people in this I would not change this for anything if the other university asked me  I would turn it down anyway because I'm happy with where I am.

I feel like university has changed me yes I was very very anxious at the start and have had ups and downs with it with my mental health the trauma train making a lot of stops in my head. With the downs, I have met many amazing people. I have even gotten back into drama with doing musical theatre yes I did stop it for a bit, but that was when shit hit the fan again. My medication started up again. I loved musical theatre it helped me with my anxiety a lot. I met lots and lots of lovely human beings there. They are like a family even though I wasn't noticed much I was always quiet and to myself so I don't think I really made an impact on anyone there. Still, oh well they helped me a lot.

 But there you go another blog of Dino chats shit gets distracted goes off-topic went back onto topic and written over one thousand words. Fun.

But thank you all for reading my shitty blogs more about me complaining about how rough life can be and how shit things are. Still, they do get better I promise you this is probably the shittest blog I've done as I've kinda slightly rushed it I wanted to get it up for yall as I've been saying for ages ill upload (Not that anyone actually follows my blogs oof)But I did it anyway 

But as i usually do anxiety affects, everyone, even if you're not professionally diagnosed with it everyone gets anxiety and its okay to feel anxious don't beat yourself up for it or even hate yourself for being anxious it's alright I'm here if anyone needs me you can message me anytime love ya.

As I usually do  Here are some helplines if you are struggling with anxiety and panic or/and anxiety attacks thank you all again stay strong my human beans thanks for reading another shitty blog that is longer than it should be as I said I'm always here. If you need me inbox me (on Tumblr) or message me on anything I'm here still will be I care about you, YES YOU the person who read all of my blogs or skipped to the end if so I don't blame you, but I care, love, ya.

Here you go :

NHS Anxiety:https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/understanding-panic/

NHS mental health support: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Young minds on anxiety: https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

Love

Dino the dyslexic blogger xx

[littledemonix]

Lost (short story)

Unseen, alone, shattered across time and space.

Hello? Anyone? anything? Can you hear me? I'm... Lost...

"Where am I?" I turned in a full circle studying my surroundings, though there wasn't much to see.

It was dark, I was surrounded by darkness but it wasn't regular darkness. My eyes didn't strain to try and see anything beyond the black void, like they should have normally done in the dark. It was like, in a strange way, I was stuck in a box where all the walls were black but with no edges or corners, no walls, and there was no visible source of light though I could see anyway. It was the weirdest thing.

I looked down at myself and realised that my body was completely colourless. My skin, my short dress that came just below my knees, everything was all grey and dark like something or someone had drained all the life and colour from me.

Suddenly fear struck me.

"Wait how'd I get here!? Wear is here?! What-?!" Suddenly the darkness around me morphed and changed until I was standing in a room, my room. I felt relieved for a split second, then I turned saw me lying in my bed.

"What the?!" I stepped back tripped on a pile of clothing and fell on my butt. I got up cursing and looked back at my bed hoping the other me had disappeared but I was disappointed.

It was definitely me, my long black hair that came down past my shoulders, scrawny limbs splayed out at odd angles as I slept, have I always drooled in I sleep?

Morning light shown through the window above my bed and I realised that the sleeping me was wearing the same dress as I was except hers had colour. It was plain bright yellow with a dark green ribbon tied around the middle.

But all of these things were minor details, maybe I should be worrying about the fact there are two of me.

Maybe it's like in those books where the person's spirit leaves the body while they asleep and a bunch of supernatural things happen. There's only one problem with this theory, it isn't supposed to be possible!

I jumped in alarm as I heard a loud ringing sound coming from the hall outside my room and that's when I realised the smoke seeping through the crack under my door.

"Fire." The word rang in my head like the fire alarm outside my door. The other me shot up in alarm and stared at the smoke that was steadily filling the room. My clone jumped out of bed and ran to the door to open it but just as she put her hand on the door nob she jerked it away clutching her hand which was smoking, a circular red burn in the pram of her hand.

She ran to the window and pounded against the glass but her skinny arms weren't strong enough to break it.

The door burst into flames and the roof on that side of the room collapsed. In panic, the other me grabbed her umbrella and opened it to block the spray of hot cole and embers from touching her skin. Somehow the umbrella didn't catch on fire.

There was a cracking sound and me and my clone looked up in fear as the roof caved in and fell. As a last attempt, the other me put her umbrella above her head and we both braised our selves.

Just as we were about to be crushed the scene changed and I felt soft earth between my toes.

Looking around, rattled, I realised I was in a graveyard, tombstones lined up in neat rows and the colourful flowers on two or three graves, making a splash of colour in the dark and dull place. I turned in a circle more confused than ever.

A dozen or so graves away I could see a gathering of people all dressed in black looking solemn and a few of them crying. A funeral.

I'd been to one before for my grandfather, my mother's father. I was only five at the time but I remembered it vividly. I remember my mum, tears trailing down her rosy cheeks as the oakwood coffin was lowered into the earth never to be seen again. I remembered holding my mother's hand and saying,

"Don't cry mommy everything's going to be ok, we still have each other." And her kneeling down to embrace me, tears still streaming from her eyes, her body racked with sobs. A year later you could sometimes still hear her crying in her bedroom at night, my father muttering consoling words to her as she chocked and sobbed. Every time I walked in to see what was wrong my father would always walk me back to my room and gently tell me nothing was wrong and to go back to sleep but I keep new he was lying.

Mother had been very close to grandfather and so was I even though I didn't know him for long.

The thing was I was a strangely emotionless child, my dull cloudy grey eyes probably didn't help the look. I never cried when I was hungry or tired, I didn't really do anything much I was a bit of a lazy baby. Though as soon as I hit puberty I was an emotional wreck.

The funeral in front of me reminded me of that day, it had a similar setup and for some reason a majority of faces that looked vaguely familiar. I walked towards the gathering slowly not wanting to intrude but I still didn't know where I was or how I got here or what the hell was going on.

Somebody was talking up front saying prayers I think, I mean that's what it looked like. I couldn't hear them, even when I got closer still nothing. I could hear the trees rustling in the cold midday breeze and the footsteps of people on the sidewalk but I couldn't hear their voices. I could see there mouths moving but there was no sound coming from them. It was like I had been separated from every human being in the world, like I was all alone. I shook my head and kept walking towards the darkly dressed people. I needed to work out what was going on. As I got closer I could see they were lowering a coffin into the ground, another person never to be seen again, another body among hundreds, thousands.

One of the watchers burst into tears and collapsed to their knees. They had a shall over their face so I couldn't see who it was but they seemed so formula. As I got closer their figures began to blur in front of my eyes, like a mirage, like they were never there. Then with no warning there body's began to dissolve into the mist and screaming filled my ears. I clapped my hands over them but that only made it worse, like the screams were inside my head, screaming so loudly. I fell to my knees like the woman who had melted into nothing with the rest of them. The screaming was from all of the grief-stricken, the people's pain over there loved ones. All of their tears were pouring from my eyes and I begged to wake from this nightmare. Suddenly the screaming stopped and I breathed heavily, wondering if I had woken up but when I lifted my head I was still in the graveyard.

I heard sobbing and turned my attention to the source. My mother was kneeling in front of one of the less weathered graves, it looked untouched and new. A chill ran down my spine as I walked over to her. Who had died?

"Mum?" I said shakily and went to tap her shoulder but my hand passed right through her.

"What the-?!" I looked down at my hand and released the rest of my body was still devoid of colour. I stepped back really confused and scared. I had so many questions with no one to answer them, so I decided to answer the only one I could and bent down to study the gravestone.

I froze in utter shock and fear as I read the name carved into the gravestone as if with a knife.

Fadra Ellen's born May 19, 1984, died May 19 2002. We will never forget you Fadra.

I stumbled back and fell, my hand over my mouth. Tears left my eyes as I got to my feet looking down at my mum who was crying over my own grave.

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Heya! Hope you enjoyed my short story. Imma try and write more stuff since I enjoy it so much so stay tuned! or however, you say it. Stay creative 🌒✌🏻

Note this is one of my older writings that I desided to post first and was before I did my online writing course

Creative Writing Stage 1 from the Australian Writers Center, which I highly recommend.

[trekking-out-jims-ass]

Hurts like hell pt.1

When you reach June 1 listen to this and read it because this is what inspired me to write it and inspired the title have fun: https://youtu.be/pUlX8ltm_JU May 28 It has been months since I was able to talk to Jim, ever since that incident with Khan he has been in a coma for almost.... what maybe 4 months now. I haven't been been able to sleep or eat for that matter, I know i have depression and I have tried countless times to get some kind of help but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. One of the people I who I went to said I should write a journal about everything I guess. I find writing to be better than typing or talking to some machine to record my voice. For some reason it's more relaxing to write shit down on paper. Anyways, earlier today I was late for one of my appointments and I guess my therapist got concerned and sent Spock to my apartment to check on me. All he did was find me in my bed relaxing I hadn't even shaved in maybe 3 or 4 days it was rather embarrassing for him to even see me like this. He forced me to get up and get dressed which I hated him for which is dumb but whatever everyone wants to stay in their bed when they are this low right?? After that we just went home in silence, we always do because after I go and see Jim hoping maybe by some miracle he would be alive, but once we got there of course he wasn't awake. So I just talked to him while Spock just hung out in the room looking at old files or something?? I don't know, I just know I was more focused on Jim more than anything, but after that I don't remember anything else. I did wake up in my bed though, so I am assuming Spock brought me home Anyways I'm ending todays entry here later I guess?? P.s. I did nothing but cry on V-day, haha I miss him that much i guess.. May 31 So today was just exhausting, I finally went back to work after several months. They didn't want me working with anything sharp so I was just doing everything that a nurse does, except for giving shots thats the only other thing I couldn't do. There were several of my friends asking how I was doing and as always I said "Okay." Honestly that word has become so foreign to me that its weird when it comes out of my mouth. Anyways besides me and my little rant maybe, I don't know what that was. I left work sometime after dealing with one last patient I made sure I saw Jim told him about my day and just left. They have been asking more for months if I just wanna.. pull the plug and trust me I do want to. I want Jim to stop living like this and move on but I just can't. And Spock said he won't make that decision for me unless I really need him too, and honestly I he should just.. do it for me. God I fucking hate talking about this it really kills me inside. Spock picked me up and we drove in silence until i spoke up and told him he needed to make the decision. All he did was nod he didn't say anything until we got to my apartment "are you sure that to do this?" And I had nodded finally speaking once again "no one deserves to live like that Spock." He once again nodded I knew he was hurting probably just as much as me. He had lost a best friend. Theres nothing interesting that happened after that, I mean if you count me crying over the fact that tomorrow will be the day where Jim will officially dies then I guess thats interesting. June 1 Welp.. Today is the fucking day I officially die on the inside I took the day off and they gave me the rest of the week off honestly. I slowly got up from my bed and got dressed everything just felt so fucking heavy, like I wasn't in my own body. I didn't eat, I didn't really want too. Spock had came inside, I had given him the spare key that Jim always used. Of course I didn't tell him that because I know he would have made me keep it. I personally picked the key out for Jim It was an all pink key with a few hearts on it, the paint has been scratched off due to all the times Jim has used it before. Maybe I should take that key back and give him mine, now I love that key I don't wanna part with it is the only piece that I have left of Jim. So honestly I did take it back and gave Spock mine, i told him it was Jim's key and he understood. On the way there I just started thinking about all the great times Jim and I had my favorite one is the day Jim and I had our first legitimate kiss. We just came back from our first date it went horrible because we probably got the worst waiter their, he was just a complete asshole the whole time and had said some kind of shit about him and I finally had enough and snapped. It got us kicked out and Jim and I just walked back home I was mad about what had happened, I had my hands in my pockets and he put his hand in there and grabbed mine and smiled at me. It calmed me down he was always able too unless if we were in space then it would just take a lot more. Once we got home he turned my head towards him and he kissed me right on the lips, it was nice and passionate no tongue or nothing just passionate and I absolutely loved it. I smiled just a little bit thinking about it, the warmth was so great and now Imma never get it again. I snapped out of my trance if thinking about Jim when Spock actually placed a hand on my shoulder trying to get my attention apparently I was crying, and i didn't feel the tears fall until now and he had stopped the car near a café and I just I guess broke apart. Screaming about how much i hate Khan, how much I hate Jim for doing what he did because I would have been dead with him. This would be the first time Spock would see me cry like as if I was a kid who lost their first pet. He had said something through his telepathy since we were after all touching at this point and it was something that I had always told Jim "It's never good to bottle up your emotions." He was right honestly. This was the first time in months since I had actually cried in front of someone. And here is Spock now seeing it. It was a good 20 minutes before i finally just said for him to start the car once again and he did. Once we were at the hospital Spock had told them that today will be the day we pull the plug but also told them I needed an hour or so. All I did was stare at him breathing lightly like if he was just taking some nap, and soon he will just blink those pretty blues of his and smile with that tired ass smile like he just woke up. I was begging to whatever the fuck was up there to give him back, to let me have him for one more day. Just to hear his voice, hear his laugh and just to see that inanimate body moving to whatever music we listened to when he cooked, when we cleaned, or when we were sorting out some files. I grabbed his hand hoping he would just grab on and tell me he was alive and i just had to wait a little longer. But thats just a fantasy, one where Jim is alive and well and we live out our days together space or not. We would get married and maybe have a kid when the times right. But we both know thats fucking bullshit now huh? He's dead and imma stay stuck with the mind set that Jim is gonna spring back to life and hug me and tell me it's alright. After an hour the nurses, doctors and Spock came in. Spock grabbed me and dragged me out while i was screaming at Jim to wake up. I screamed like my fucking life deepened on it. I was even thrashing about like someone being kidnapped in my mind i pictured that he sprang up and ran over giving me hugs and tender kisses. Then the harsh reality came, Jim was officially gone now and he would no longer step foot in out apartment, say my little nickname, call me little pet names, or tell me he loved me. I wouldn't hear his soft breathing as he laid there in a sleep like death. It was over and done with his cute smile, laugh, eyes everything that I LOVED ABOUT THAT MAN DIED BECAUSE OF DAMNED SUPER HUMAN!! HE TOOK AWAY MY EVERYTHING!! MY SECOND CHANCE IN THE WORLD!! He's just gone now. Im writing this at 10:00 pm right now, Spock is out side in the living room he said he is staying here in case i do something stupid. We all know he didn't say it like that but thats how it translates to me. Everything just.. hurts right now. It all feels like a really bad nightmare right now, but I know for a fact its not...