#IM WHEEZING HOLY SHIT LMAO

[chewysgummies]

chewy can you make a killbot dakimakura just uh.. *intense sweating* just asking for a friend

Deadass had to search up that word cause I have no idea what that means but uh-

Who's your friends? I wanna talk- (Like omg yes holy shit-)

I'll try to see if I can btw. I'll be glad to make one if my stupid ass could comprehend drawing a full body lmao. For now, I'll look up some references and probably sketch it out first lmao.

[typh0nas]

Your Safety is My Priority

_______________

Content Warnings: angst to fluff, mentions of blood, violence lol(ie. slight torture sequence ig???), sexual innuendo when Hex shows up LMAO

Character(s): GN!Reader(no pronouns mentioned), Ver Vermillion, Kotoka Torahime, Doppio Dropscythe, Hex Haywire

Authors Notes: holy shit ive been gone for a bit im so sorry guys. Anyways this is somewhat based on that one ASMR that kaichou posted where we're tied up with him hehe, but this time you're the only one that was kidnapped LOL

_______________

Your Safety is My Priority

Darkness envelops your senses. You're vaguely aware of the steady drip of water behind you, and of the chilling cold that sinks into your bones. You groan softly, the wooden chair pressing against your back and the ropes binding your hands rubbing against your skin, most likely leaving marks for you to wince at in the coming days. If that's even possible to say the least. You're not sure where you are, or how much time has passed. Your memory is hazy, bleary images flashing through your mind as you attempt to recall what even led up to your current predicament.

Right, you were in the council room waiting for Ver to arrive. He had asked you to meet him there, letting you know that he had something important to tell you. Even though you and Ver aren't together, there was no denying the lingering touches and the stares that lasted longer than they should have when it came to the two of you. Your brow furrows, as what happened next is a hazy blur.

A rough jerk of your head startles you out of your thoughts and you wince at the blinding lights. "Owwwww..." you hiss, squinting up at your captor, arms folded in front of them. "Really, is that any way to treat your guests? Rather rude to manhandle them," you laugh softly, attempting to make light of your situation whilst observing the surrounding room. The room is dark, save for the singular lightbulb practically blinding you, making it even harder to make out your surroundings. You can sense someone in front of you but their features are unclear to you, the shadows practically enveloping them.

"You shut your mouth," A gruff voice growls out, pain erupting in your jaw. You cough, the metallic tang of blood filling your mouth, and you're pretty sure that's gonna leave a nasty bruise behind.

"Oooooo, the boss isn't gonna like that," another voice cuts in. Although you can't see them clearly, you can practically hear the smirk in their voice. "But then again..." their face comes into focus and you practically grimace from how close they are. They grab your jaw and you let out a small yelp of pain, gritting your teeth, "Why should I care?" Steeling yourself you bite down, hard. Teeth meet flesh and again, the taste of blood floods your senses. You're pretty sure you've cut deep into their hand, which gives you a sense of satisfaction. The individual let out a yell of pain, their expression hardening, any instance of mock sympathy gone from their gaze. They scoff, cradling their injured hand, blood streaming down from the punctures in their hand.

The wind is knocked out of you, and pain erupts in your lower abdomen. Their leg makes contact with your stomach, kicking you so hard it sends you and the chair you're tied to crashing to the floor. You cough again, wheezing as you try to catch your breath, completely disoriented. After a moment, your chair is uprighted once more, your head lolling down.

"You should have just left them there," the second voice comments, meanwhile the first person says nothing, roughly putting you back in place. Your head spinning, you can practically sense yourself slipping in and out of consciousness, struggling to keep your head up. "Whatever, let's just leave them here for now. We can deal with them later." Their footsteps recede into the background and you finally succumb to unconsciousness.

-----

Ver's POV

His leg bounces anxiously, fingers fidgeting as he checks the time. It's been an hour and still no sign of you showing up. He sighs, wondering if his impromptu request was too jarring.

He perks up, hearing the sound of hurried footsteps outside the council room door. With a smile on his face, Ver is able to envision the flustered state you would be in, while profusely apologizing for being late.

A knock at the door alerts him of someone outside. Clearing his throat, Ver gets up from his chair, leaning against the desk. "Come in," his voice is light. However, instead of you, he's instead greeted by Kotoka. Ver frowns, "Koto? Did something happen?" Kotoka pauses, her brow furrowed. "In a way," she sighs softly, "It has to do with Y/N."

Ver can feel his blood run cold, eyes widening slowly. "What do you mean, 'it has to do with Y/N?' Did something happen?" His expression hardens, his hands balling into fists. Ver's thoughts are racing, worry overtaking him. What if something happened to you? Is this why you were so late? Where were you now? Ver knew you were capable of taking care of yourself, but the worry gnawed at him.

Kotoka places a gentle hand on his shoulder, startling Ver out of his spiraling thoughts. Pulling out her phone, she opens up a tracker app, showing Ver. "This was the last known location of their phone." Wordlessly, Ver takes the device from her hands, realization slowly dawning on him. "I should have known..." he murmurs, taking a deep breath, "It seems I didn't clear up all the loose ends from my previous mission....and now I'm paying the price for it."

"Should I have Doppi handle this?" Kotoka gazes up at Ver, concern etched on her face. Ver pauses, before handing back Kotoka's phone to her. "No, there's no need. I will deal with this personally." Slipping on his coat and heading towards the door, he stops for a moment, turning back to Kotoka. "Let the others know I'm going out, but I'll be back soon."

-----

You don't know how long you had been stuck there, but at this point, your hands had gone numb, you were shivering from the incessant draft wafting into the dank, dark basement, and you're pretty sure you had a few broken ribs, based on the way it hurt to breathe. To put things simply, you were quite miserable and in a terrible state. Your captors had long since vacated the basement area, leaving you alone to your thoughts.

---

"Ver," you scold him gently, "You've been working for 4 hours straight, I think you should take a break." Despite the way your arms are crossed over your chest, a smile threatens to break out on your face. Ver sighs softly, rubbing his neck sheepishly, breaking eye contact from the mountain of paperwork on his desk. "I promise I will after I finish this. It's important that I finish and submit this proposal before the due date-"

"Nope!" You pull the pen out of his grasp, pushing the paperwork away from him. Ver lets out a noise of protest, his expression resembling that of a kicked dog. Taking his hands in yours, you pull him up and out of his chair. Getting behind him, you push him towards the door. "Come on 아저씨, you've been working for so long now, I think you deserve some time to yourself. Besides your stuff isn't due until two weeks from now, so I think you can take some time for yourself. Also, you've been sitting at that desk for so long I can practically hear your joints popping and cracking," You teased him, a bright smile on your face. Ver relents, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "Alright, alright I'll take a break. Only because you asked so nicely," he laughs softly, his hand wrapping around yours, fingers intertwining with yours. You feel your face grow warm, not expecting him to be so forward.

Ver tilts his head curiously to the side, before realizing what he had done, his face also flushing. "Oh whoops, I didn't mean to do that, it was instinctual I swear!" He's clearly flustered and you panic a little, feeling him start to let go, tightening your grip on his hand. Ver stares at you, eyes wide from surprise, almost as if he didn't expect you to continue holding onto him. The two of you stand there in between the council room doorway and the hallway, both of you speechless and unsure of how to proceed.

"Oh? Do my eyes deceive me? What do we have here?" Doppio's head peaks around the corner, a mischievous grin on his face. "Looks like you finally made a move, good on you Ver." His grin widens, shooting Ver a thumbs up. You and Ver both flush various shades of red, letting go of each other's hands. "We're not dating Doppi, it's not what it looks like!" You exclaim, trying to explain why you and Ver were holding hands. Another person peeks around the corner, a skeptical look on his face. "Yeesh, you guys really need to get a room, why don't you go back into the council room so you guys can continue eye-fucking each other in privacy."

"Hex shut up."

---

Yelling from above you is the first thing you can hear in your dazed state. A headache rages in your skull, and you lean against the wall. The cool concrete provides some solace, quelling the pounding in your head. The door crashes open, and a pair of frantic footsteps make their way towards you. You open your eyes slightly, immediately recognizing the person before you.

"Y/N!" You can hear the worry seeping into Ver's voice, his hands reaching to cup your face. You unintentionally flinch against him, your head jerking back from the pain in your jaw. Ver's gaze widens, his eyes trailing down to the bruise on your cheek, understanding dawning on him. He presses a gentle hand against your shoulder, conflicting emotions crossing his face.

"Ver-" your voice croaks out. Ver moves to your side, his hands make their way down to the ropes binding yours, a slight grimace on his face. "I'm so, so sorry. I was careless, and because of that you got dragged into my mess," his bangs hang over his eyes, hiding his expression from you. You open your mouth to speak, but you keel over, slight movement from your end turning a dull ache into sharp pain. Ver catches you, supporting you as his hands work his way around the rope. After a moment you clear your throat, looking him in the eyes.

"It's not your fault, trust me. You can't blame yourself for the actions of other people," your voice is scratchy and hoarse, most likely from disuse. He shakes his head, sighing softly, "But I'm the reason you're here now...aren't I?" He pauses, eyes trailing over your figure, seemingly taking in your injured state. "You got hurt because of my carelessness. I have no one to blame but myself."

Finally, after some frustration, he relents, pulling out a small knife, making quick work of the rope. It falls to the ground and you pull your wrists up, rotating them to get the blood flowing again. Your hands feel clammy and numb, and you can see the indents in your wrists, your skin rubbed raw. Ver moves down in front of you, kneeling as he works on cutting away the rope tying your ankles to the chair. Swiftly the rope falls away and your legs are free. You shakily push yourself up off the chair but you stumble, knees weak.

An arm reaches around you to support you. Ver hoists you up as delicately as possible, guilt etched on his face. "Ver-" you whisper, and his head tilts in your direction, indicating that he's listening to you. "I already said this earlier, but this was not your fault alright? I know you're bound to have many enemies, but I know that you'll always be there for me, no matter what happens. These things happen, especially in your line of work," you wheeze out, limping towards the stairs leading upstairs with Ver's help.

Ver gasps softly, a faint flush on his face, "I'm sorry," he murmurs, and you jolt a little, hearing how close his voice is to your ear. "I still can't help but feel guilty because I wasn't able to protect you fully...and I care a lot about you. You mean a lot to me, I'm being serious."

You blink, slightly surprised. You were expecting Ver to be worried about you, but his sudden confession catches you off guard. "...Thank you," you mumble quietly, "For coming to get me, kaichou." He pauses, his stare lingering on you, a quiet laugh emerging from him, "Of course, I will always come save you if you're in danger, no matter what the stakes are."

The two of you stop in front of the imposing staircase, and you wince a little, trying to figure out how you would hobble upstairs. Without warning, you feel your feet lift off of the floor and you let out a yelp, finding yourself in a bridal carry. Ver seemingly lifts you with ease, and you blush feeling his body pressed up against yours. Warmth emanates from him, and as embarrassed as you are, you can't help but lean into him.

You both reach the top of the stairs, emerging into a large warehouse. You peek out a bit, eyes widening at the sight of all the unconscious bodies strewn across the floor. Ver strides towards the open door off to the side, the slight breeze causing you to shiver. Ver takes notice of this, gently setting you down against the wall so you could lean against it for support. You protest a little, already missing his warmth, before a familiar coat is draped over you.

Ver kneels down, smiling softly, tucking his coat around you to keep the warmth in. "It's chilly out, so you can have my coat. I'll call the others to come pick us up okay, I'm sure it won't take them too long." His gaze lingers on you for a moment too long, before he reaches into his pocket to grab his phone. He takes a step back, getting up to make the call. Ver's coat provides a comforting weight, and you can't help but snuggle into it a bit, inhaling his scent that lingers in it. You're reminded of how gentle and tender Ver has always been with you.

---

It doesn't take long for Ver to finish up his call and he turns back to where you are, only to discover that you've dozed off. He chuckles softly, leaning over you to examine your features. "Ver reaches out to brush a stray hair out of your face but pauses, his hand hovering in the air. "Y/N?" he whispers softly, reaching out to brush a stray hair out of your face but hesitating. His hand hovers in the air, but after some more hesitation, he relents, fingers gently grazing your face. You barely stir, chest rising and falling with each breath that you take. "Heh, you look pretty good with my jacket on you," he mutters, his face becoming flushed. Against his better judgement, he leans over, tucking your hair behind your ear, his lips grazing your forehead ever so slightly.

"Sweet dreams, no harm will befall you as long as I'm here."

_______________

Back to Navigation {☆}

[hunterbunter3000]

Hey hope you have I nice day, I LOVE you sweetheart series but I was just curious on what farah and valeria thoughts of sweetheart, do they also have a crush on her or do they see as an enemy(valeria), again hope you have a lovely day

Hello! Thank you, I hope you have a wonderful day as well! ❤️💓

And omg they don't hate her at all LMAO

I kinda dislike when girls hate each other over men. Even tho, yes, it can do good for the story and writers can do whatever tf they want, I like when they communicate their emotions on WHY they feel like that, instead of ruining a good friendship they have!

Farah and Sweetheart are actually really good friends! Even though Farah thinks that Sweetheart is weird as SHIT (I mean hell, who doesn't) and questions her thinking process everytime she sees Sweets, but she's a hell of a good fighter and has been there when other people weren't.

Farah values Sweetheart's kindness cause WHEW YK SHE NEEDS IT MY POOR BABY

Sweetheart tells her stories of her whacky adventures she has by herself and with her team constantly when she visits or when she calls like she's CALLING A NEIGHBOR LOL

Farah: Sweetheart? Why are you-- how are you calling me? Hang up, they can trace this!

Sweetheart, laughing: Don't worry, Don't worry! I'm using an old burner phone that isn't even on the market anymore. Now I need to tell you what happened at the base today.

Farah, speed walks to a secluded area: Oh girl shit, tell me what happened

YK THEY GOSSIP TO EACH OTHER ITS JUST A FACT

Sweetheart: AND THEN SHE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY "OH-- I never even finished it" SO IT PUSHED US BACK FOR LIKE A WEEK

Farah: NOOOOOO WHAT A BITCHASS MOVE

Sweetheart: RIGHT???

And omg I see Farah teaching Sweetheart how to cook her home food (have you noticed that I'm a foodie. Have you noticed I really like food) and Sweetheart bringing dishes she made at the base so Farah and her soldiers can try!

Farah, eating her mac and cheese: Sweetheart oh my God this is amazing!

Sweetheart: 🥹

Soldier: Are you taken yet?

Farah: BACK THE FUCK OFF AND EAT YOUR FOOD AND SHUT UP

Sweetheart: 😰

Istg Farah is like a damn cat, protecting Sweets from hands in MARRIAGE LOL

But Farah was quite confused about her team. Why do they all look at her like that? And she's not doing anything about it?? WOAH WATCH YOUR HAND SOAP--

Laswell had to explain it to her.

Farah, shocked: wait... so they ALL LIKE HER!?

Laswell: I would say it's 'love', but basically yeah

Farah, looking at Alex: So... All of them?

(Farah x Alex forever, Sweetheart can go suck a carrot)

(Y E S IM HATING ON MY OWN CREATION SHUT U P)

Farah was so heartbroken when she found out that Alex loved Sweetheart romantically. She honestly found that out herself when she saw Alex had a fond look in his eyes looking at Sweetheart

And Farah kinda-- just accepted it? Like she didn't want to interfere with the two, so it was like an Angelica and Eliza story (ANGST??1?1??11?) So she would just smile and ignore the pit she felt in her heart everytime she saw them together.

But one night Farah couldn't take it anymore and just ignored Sweetheart for like two whole days. Sweetheart ain't about that 😡 nah uh no ma'am

Sweetheart: Farah!

Sweetheart, grabbing Farah's arm: Farah please. What is going on with you?

Farah, not looking at Sweetheart: Nothing.

Sweetheart, not buying it: Farah come on- even a blind man would see that something is wrong. You can talk to me! We're friends--

Farah, breaking Sweets hold: Just... Leave me be, please.

Sweetheart, sad: Did I do something wrong? Please-

Farah: No, you didn't do anything wrong I just--

Sweetheart: Then what's going on--

Farah: I like Alex, okay!?

(It was silent)

(Farah didn't want to look at Sweetheart, but she saw her hands waving frantically. She looks up confused, now seeing Sweetheart smiling ear to ear and fanning her eyes)

Sweetheart, wheezing: You like Alex! Holy hell, I KNEEWWW IT- I knew it I knew it

Sweetheart, hands in her hair: ARGH I OWE LASWELL SO MUCH FUCKIN MONEY SHIT

Farah:

Farah: Pardon?

Sweetheart: GIRL PLEASE I knew you liked Alex a long time ago! I just-- didn't say anything cause I didn't want to pressure you.

Farah, relaxed: Ah... I see. You're not- You're not mad?

Sweetheart: Mad!? Why in the world would I be mad at you liking someone I know?

Farah: Well... I didn't want you to see it as me taking your..."friend." Also, I don't think he likes me back.

Sweetheart, grabbing Farah's cheeks: Farah, have you seen yourself? You're absolutely beautiful! Of course he would like you.

Oh.

Oh my.

Farah felt warm and tingling when Sweetheart said that. With honesty. With her smile. She meant it. "You're beautiful."

"Have you seen yourself? You're beautiful."

Her big, warm hands held Farah's cheeks softly, like too much pressure would break her.

(FARAH GOIN THRU IITTTT) (Farah bi-curious moment? AHAHAHAH)

Sweetheart told Farah that she would help her win Alex, so it's a GIRL POWER type friendship they got goin on and I love it

With Valeria... as I said in another ask, they're like freinemies (did I even spell that right) Sweetheart don't really like her cause she works for the cartel and drugs BUT SHE A BUSINESS WOMAN

Omg when they were interrogating Valeria, Sweetheart was SWEATING-- SHE WAS SCARED FOR HER LIFE (she had some... troubles with the cartel in the past)

But omg she was so nervous

Sweetheart: If you mitch-match blacks, YOU DIE

Alejandro: SWEETHEART

Sweetheart: WHAT!? MIXING BLACKS IS A CRIME IN ITSELF

(Valeria was fucking cackling in there)

Valeria, smirking: I don't think you'll get very far with this if she's with you

Sweetheart: I AM WALKING BACK AND FORTH

Valeria sees Sweets as entertainment, because she knows how nervous and hyper Sweets can get when she's around

Valeria teases the SHIT outta Sweetheart constantly (Val gonna give her a heart attack fr fr)

She questions Sweets actions alot tho

Valeria: ...How did you even get up there?

Sweetheart, holding onto a high pole to get away from Valeria:

Sweetheart: uh- out of fear

GIRL HOW YOU GONNA BE SCARED OF A WOMAN SHORTER THAN YOU COME ON

Valeria thinks it's impressive how she collects men like Pokémon

Valeria: You have my ex wrapped around your manicured finger.

Valeria, smirking: Good on you, pez globo.

Sweetheart:

Sweetheart: h u h

And Valeria popped the question to her

Valeria: Why are you afraid of me?

Sweetheart, getting nervous: I'm... sorry?

Valeria: I have seen you take down men like they're flies. I have seen you use many weapons like they're second nature. Yet you're afraid of me?

Sweetheart: I just--

(She looks away, unconsciously rubbing her right forearm with her hand. Her eyes dim, holding a dark story she obviously doesn't to say.)

Sweetheart: What you do... is dangerous. So obviously I'm-- I'm gonna be afraid of you.

Valeria:

Valeria: I see.

(Did I just give Sweetheart trauma- what the flying fuck why do I do this everytime with characters-- I WAS TRYING MY BEST NOT TO GIVE HER ANY UGH)

[thatdeadaquarius]

PLS YOU’RE SO FUNNY your pspspsps is too strong I’m back with more asks hello how are you I’m loving your takes on sagau! I thought of a contribution by the power of the pspsps imagine like the languages in teyvat are based on the nations’ real life counterparts (like Japanese for Inazuma) but like only loosely. So creator knows like exactly 3 words in Japanese and think they’re gonna take that and somehow make it work but they get there and understand NOTHING. They finally understand like one word but turns out it means something completely different in this version of “Japanese” so they think someone told them hi and they said hi back but they’re just going around saying “fuck” and no one wants to tell them

ANOTHER ONE YUHSSS LURING BACK IN FOR MORE im doing well tysm for asking ya flatterer!!

aw u think im funny??!! 🥰 well geez here i thought i was just going feral over sagau/isekai genshin stuff and it was like a dam burst and all yall were just coming down with me funny or not 🤷‍♂️

(Hey askers look ive got cookies 🍪🍪🍪 :) if u ask smth ill give u one!!)

Nice to know the humor translates, but holy fuck this ask is like 10x funnier than anything ive written so far or come up with LMAO PLEASE NO ONE WANTS TO TELL YOU-

____________

This is exactly what Portugese vs. Spanish is like i stg

Im not fluent yet but i know a decent amount of spanish at this point, but when i was first learning it i ran into some Portuguese and couldnt really read it and was like?? Oh ok maybe this is too many vocab words i dont get yet, and showed it to another person who spoke some Spanish and they were like ".. Uh, wtf is that?? What is that???🧐😟 Thats not even Spanish, but why is it almost???" And they just kept trying to read it so hard bc they thought it was so close it should work 😭

Anyway the point is i feel like that is just you in this scenario over and over again lol

Its like teaching a little kid language and they happen to pick up the cusswords the best,

Omfg ur around Beidou about to head to Inazuma (bc i like to think u traveling with Aether/Lumine and they r sweet enough not to abandon ur weird ass)

And Beidou just keeps cussing in Liyue's-almost-Mandarian-Chinese-but-not, and ur like trying to pick smth up bc it sucks none of ur little bits and pieces of lang. from ur world have worked so far, and she keeps saying this one word over and over again, to this angry looking Liyue guy, oh hey wait a minute, that's the Mandarin word for "hello"!! Maybe she's using it sarcastically?? She smiled afterward, oh Kazuha's laughing!! Maybe it means smth different? But they still look positive abt it so eh, cant hurt, and you sort of know how to say it!!

"你好 !! (nǐhǎo)", you do a little wave too :)

(I just used straight mandarin for this pls tell me if not right-)

Hey you did it! Sort of, you didn't really do the tones right, and you look over to see if they got it, and oop-

Everybody froze and looked at you, before Beidou starts screaming laughing, Kazhua's wheezing so hard he's leaning on a barrel nearby, the traveler is trying to keep it together, but u can see Beidou's ridiculous laugh is contagious and is spreading rapidly to crew members and to the traveler,,

The angry Liyuean man no longer looks angry, oh, he's leaving, welp, you can tell u did smth funny, but u havent a clue what u actually said

Every now and then Beidou will come up to you and try to teach u more Liyuean words, but anytime the traveler sees it they shoo her off, she has a shit-eating grin on her face, while the traveler looks unamused or is at least trying to hide their amusement

(There r so many characters that will take advantage of this and only try to teach you cuss words, at least at first, CHILDE, kaveh, VENTI, Itto, BEIDOU, Xinqiu the little prankster, ppl i can think of quickly god i gotta look at a character list)

Beidou BEAMS anytime u say "nîhâo" now, and gives u a thumbs up everytime 👍

You learn much later that you probably should just give up trying to say any of your world's lang. That sound equivalent to each genshin country's lang. bc apparently the few words you know from them are either random shit like "egg, bowl, etc." Or straight up explicit "fuck, shit, piss etc."

__________

I didnt have too much to add bc that is a GREAT AND HILARIOUS idea all on its own (esp if u did it in front of more serious characters or situation)

So pls forgive if lackluster writing happened!!

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!! COME AGAIN!! AND YOU'LL GET A FREE COOKIE!! :]

✨️🍪✨️

Cheers,

🌒🌧🌊Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

[campbyler]

BHDSDNSJDBKSJDK S OMFG OMFG I GIGGLED LIKE A MANIAC LIKE THE WHOLE TIME I WAS READING HOLY SHIT AHHHHHHHHHH THEY ARE SUCH STUPID IN LOVE IDIOTS "yes youre obsessed with me" HOLY SHIT THE SASS OH MY GODDDDDD I WAS LIKE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS MIKE TAKING HIM ON A DATE HOLY SHIT AND THEN HE WAS BUT I DONT THINK WILL KNOWS IT WAS A DATE SBDSKNKJS THE COOL COOL MOMENT SDBSHD JS BSFHBSJDBS WILL LIKES HOW MIKE DRIVES OMFGG THEY LIKE HOLDING EACH OTHERS HANDS IM LITERALLY GONNA START SQUEALING okay mike is so real for his oshawatt pin on his fanny pack also ngl i kinda forgor that will works at starbucks but also like of course he does i feel like thats just a fact that everyone should know OMFGGG THEY ARE BOTH THE MOST CLINGY BITCHES EVER NHJSBUBHJWSBJ "engaging in behavior usually reserved for amusement park queues" HELP WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD SO BADLY THAT I GOT LIGHTHEADED AND ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY BED I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING I WAS OUT OF BREATH AND WHEEZING FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES AND HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM READING NHJBSHBDKS THEY ARE SO FUCKING CLINGY OH MY GOD the vulnerablility 🥺🥺 they are being do soft with each other 🥺🥺 mike is finally opening up 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love his car shopping list and his reasons 🥺🥺🥺🥺 also jesus FUCKING christ ted is fucking crazy that makes me so angry that he would do that and that it made such a lasting impact on mike that all those years later he would be worried about that happening to him its not okay OMFG OF COURSE HIS PASSWORD IS KERMIT HE IS SO SILLY NSDSHBDSB BESBDNSNDDNKJSNDB HES GONNA TEACH WILL HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR OMFG OMFG OMFG THAT IS PROBABLY SO INTIMATE FOR HIM TOO BECAUSE THE CAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR AND NOW HES TEACHING WILL HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR JUST SBHSBDKSNDIJNSFS

you fr knocked this one out of the fucking park thea like full on grand slam, everyone made it to home and the ball went so far we couldnt even see where it landed i am very thankful that you guys take the time to write these chapters so well anyway happy holidays 🫶 (and merry july in christmas lmao)

AHHHH OMGGGGG SUCH A LENGTHY REACTION I HAVE BEEN SO BLESSED!! LET ME TRY TO RESPOND PROPERLY (picture me cracking my knuckles without cracking them ty)

i am loving this play by play of everything!! i do need u to know that this has been Exactly what my brain has been doing on overdrive since likeeeee. february or march when we first drafted the concept for ch9 😭😭😭 i loveeeeed including the detail of mike's fanny pack and it's def most of the reason why i really want to draw their outfits!! i think will's starbucks job has either only been mentioned once or has only been mentioned on this blog, but it's a very important part of the universe #2 #me 💚 ALSO HELLLOOO I HOPE YOU ARE ALIVE AND OK AFTER ALMOST FALLING OUT OF YOUR BED???

i will sayyyy the ted story was definitely a bit of projection teehee (thanks #mom) but i did think it fit superrr well and was a really strong reason for why owning the car would be so important to him! i was so excited to be able to have him open up this chapter as well :')

i did have to debate between using snoopy and kermit for mike's passcode but kermit won out!! also YESSSS U ARE HITTING THE NAIL ON THE HEAAADDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

ty so so so MUCHHH for your kind words and huge reaction, i'm so glad you enjoyed!! happy holidays and merry christmas in july!!!

[mochiwrites]

because im reading through the songbird au for the first time. Ive gotta say this entire au has been an emotional rollercoaster. I got from nearly sobbing to laughing so hard I cant breathe so ungodly quickly. I go from being super chill to freaking out because holy shit this au is crazy.

all that said i love the au. But seriously mochi you’re killing me

:D !!!!!

welcome to the emotional rollercoaster that is songbird LMAO it's my most beloved of aus <33 it's definitely a crazy up and down when you're reading the first two arcs without the pause of me having to update them jgfhjghfg. you get the full effect of the au without cliffhangers :D

I'm glad you like it though!!!! 🥺 I've put. an ungodly amount of work into this au WHEEZE

[zarnzarn]

okay watching the ladybug and chat noir movie here are assorted thoughts:

The animation is SO FUCKING COOL. LIKE SERIOUSLY WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO BE SO SMOOTH.

i appreciate that it does have cartoonish movement (like when the police cars arrive, when marinette has clumsy moments) but it's all so??? grounded??? everything looks like it has WEIGHT to it, like it's based in reality somehow.

nino u king of comedy

WHOEVER DECIDED TO ADD GLITTER TO CHAT NOIRS MASK DESERVES A RAISE

i fucking LOVE how plagg and tikki first showed up as animals!!!!!!

tikki is. something. "I'm about to kick your butt" was hilarious to me. she was SO done and uncaring lmao.

sabrinas hair is cool!! and i didnt expect the jolt of seeing all the other characters in the movie for some reason I love how they've done all of them

marinettes singing va. girl. holy fucking shit. what a VOICE. why is it so deep. why is it so cool. what the fuck. it is a jolt from the series but also DAMN.

also speaking of the songs!!! I have never liked musicals much but goddaMN IS THIS SOUNDTRACK GOOD. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING GOOD. I NEARLY CRIED WHEN MIRACULOUS DUET STARTED AND IVE NOT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO WATCH HALF THE SERIES.

oooh love square DRAMA!!!

damn they did a good job with disheveled gabriel

GABRIEL DOES WHAT NOW???????

oh those wings r fucking BALLING!!! oh and I love the detail of the butterfly screeches that's absolutely horrifying I love it

oh that's a good apocalypse

FUCIIGN CARELSS WHISPER HELP IM WHEEZING

"less interested you are the more they run after you" adrjens such a unbothered bitch in this I love it

o shit that window run was something

(bitter) LMFAO

oh shit first times shes shown signs of being hurt

what

WHAT

WHAT???????

HELLO????????????????

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS MOVIES INSANE

THE TOWER???? WATERFIRE???? WAS THAT CATACLYSM???? CAT NOIR GETTING KNOCKED OUT LIKE THAT????

maris breathing to swim them away was so visceral it got me damn

butterflies seething....

WHOO PUNCH HIS ASS

the akuma thinning as she hallucinates tikki.... storytelling.....

man the way gabe still ain't listening during his speech... Adrien get ur ass Away

oh hey cat eyes Adrien tho

miraculous of CREATION WHOO

the dove fluttering at her feet... NICE

HOLY FUCKING SHIT HELLO OMFG THAT RESTORATION WAS PHENOMENONAL GO GIRL GO

oh shit chloes dress is absolutely gorgeous!!! and her eyes have been crazy well animated too.

"bullyings back on" the way marinette leaned in after that was from a whole different genre

sabrina looked happy!! wonder if she and Chloe got into something in the timeskip

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OH HES CRYING CRYING

THE HANDHOLDS FUCK U MAN

the subtle tiptoes was something what an ending

NATHALIE???? HELLO????????

[thedoodlersdomain]

So, i’m only now just watching ep 26 because I lost motivation to listen for a but BUT IM BACK AND HOLY SHIT. So here’s some live reactions to it:

Bit the inside or my lip while eating from laughing at the mental image of Link trying to do a pull up on the shower curtain and just tanking it

Normal is either gonna rock the style at 24 or it’s gonna look absolutely horrific-

THE BOOING FOR SCARY’S INTRO

I gotta hear the Butthole Ricochet album

Real organ dice would be fucking dope as hell

Ngl I genuinely wanna sign up for organ donation just to get those dice

SELL AN ORGAN FOR THE DICE (honestly i would)

Literally just finished ep 25 before starting this and i’m still in shock about what happened.

The mental image of Willy getting the shit beat out of him is so nice.

I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT HERMIE NO MY BOY

You get a mech suit, you get a mech suit, EVERYONE GETS A MECH SUIT. (Except for May)

oh shit may has magic hell yeah

God if I was frozen in place for two months I genuinely would never recover my fucking body would just stop i would never recover from that pain

gotta shake your head yes and nod it no

grant ;-;-;-;-; someone please get the li-wilson boys therapy

father-son bonding: panic attack pacing

Well now I relate to Taylor more because the feeling of having your braces tightened enough to make you lisp is too real for me that shit hurts so much

Taylor getting his life lessons from anime is literally me as a kid

ANIME ISNT REAL THIS REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF UNDYNE AND ALPHYS IN UNDERTALE

Link now canonically has selective mutism in my mind and no one can convince me otherwise

Does Scary even know where the anchors are though because I thought it was only Normal that knew?

“Anyone can walk back from the darkness.” Ayo Will how can you just say these things and not expect me to be IN PAIN

WAIT TERRY NO OH MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT HIM KNOWING ABOUT HOLY SHIT

Fucking goof dimension-

THE FART PORTAL

Lark is a mood as always

Sparrow ;-;-;

oh damn Normal-

NOT THE PROBABLY

Aaaaaand end of podcast lmao

Taylor is so fucking extra and I love it so much

ROLL FOR OBNOXIOUSNESS

RUN BITCH RUN

oh shit initiative time

Taylor has 1000% been dreaming of having a break down like that

ethnicity-

Give the white guy the nat 20

FUCKING ICE CLIMBERS IM WHEEZING

LARK ‘THE IMPORTANT ONE’ GARCIA OAK

OOOO ITEM LETS GO

oh shit OH SHIT Y E S

psychologically devastation: the best attack type

Lark has zoomies now

o u c h

LINK AHHHHHHHH

the li-wilson boys need therapy ;-;

oh damn

OH DAMN NO GRANT NO WHY

from nat 1 to nat 20 big up Taylor

OF COURSE HES GONNA NARUTO RUN

yup totally planned difficult terrain

Taylor & Hermie have the best dynamic (still gives me whiplash to know he’s taylor’s uncle)

All hail the whale

MAGIC USER SPARROW

fucking soy boy-

ah yes a kids movie where adults kidnap children

NOT THE EXTRA SOUND EFFECTS

irl dm murder too test the accuracy of an attack is the real dnd life

rip terry ;-;-;-;-;

THE FUCKING CONTENT WARNING

D O M I N O E S

no take backsies

THE PARABLE OF THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER

“anythings a parable if you take the wrong message from it” honestly Anthony do be speaking truth

i’m now evaluating the mental image I had of the whale because for some reason I really have been picturing just like a tiny pokémon sized whale in like a little cuboid fish tank and it’s taken this long for me to be like “oh wait. they said a whale and meant an actual whole ass whale. what the fuck-“

the whale of conflict creation

THE NINJA ROCKS HOLY FUXK (might start caring around ninja rocks in case i ever need to break a whale out of a tank to escape parents trying to stop me from stealing an amplifier with magic)

this entire plan was nearly all for nothing-

i need this episode animated in like a proper tom & jerry style cartoon episode

NATTY 20 HOLY SHIT

this is such a dumb episode i love it

Hermie really said ride or die

Rip the whale

HERMIE NOOOO ;-;-;-;-;

GRIPPY SOCKS

OH SHIT SCARY AND WILLY ARE GOING BIG BROTHER MODE

insight into the mind of taylor swift

BB banana skin marbles gag

ayo is Lark gonna drown-

hermie and taylor drown everyone challenge

LARK’S UNCONSCIOUS IN THE WATER HE’S GONNA DROWN

this episode is so dumb i’m wheezing

GLENN COMING IN FOR THE CLUTCH YES

sparrow please save your brother-

GRANT GOT KNOCKED UP I- what in the DC Joker

LINK JUST HIT PUBERTY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HIS VOICE FUXKING DROPPED WHAT THE FUCK

i love hermie so much ;-;

THE NO-BETRAYERS CLUB i need merch

link ;-;

oh god what’s gonna happen

somethings gonna happen

JUST TWO CASUAL PEOPLE

OH SHIT WILLY NO

O H M Y. G O D.

TAYLOR

[wixenburr]

now that im on season 2 of this show i... honestly cant believe bobby admitted to killing 148 people is something that is so casual... :WHEEZE:. HOLY SHIT. Im having a blast btw it is so fun!! Finally getting all the hype around Eddie and Buck lmaoooo. Just finished Merry Ex-Mas and awwww that whole ep was pretty cute!!! One of the greater ones awwwww good for Athena!!! Good for Bobby!!! I love Athena so muchhh shes so gorgeous. And AAAA That MARINEEEE that was so gooood!!! I love that!! and omg Christopher and his mom ughhh i hate her but im so happy Christopher is happy awww. Also i sooo ship Chimney and Maddie okayyy i dunno what happens in the future but i like them now aight im happy for 'em im happy that Chim's got a girl who likes him for him and im happy Maddie's got a mans aight.

Tho the episode literally ended with some worrying images of Maddie's ex so TT-TT WELP. GOOD LUCK IG. TO ME.

(oh and let me just say- the way i GUFFAWED at Buck choking and needing a TRACHEOTOMY on his FIRST DATE with Abby?!!!? LMAO WTF. I was WHEEZING i was like "UR KIDDINGGGG HAHAHAHAA WHATTT?????" i was baffled i was like woah this man can he get more hopeless augghbh!!! Glad he got away from that reporter girl tho she was Bad NEws (no pun intended but im glad the pun happened) idk if things're gonna work out with that gal he saved from the earthquake ep tho. Shes cool! Just like uhhh haven't seen her lol maybe they takin it slow I DUNNO WE SHALL SEEEEEE.

aight thanks for listenin to my review of s1 and like half o s2 kk gl y'all veteran 9-1-1 watchers on season eight or smthn lmaooo

[peachenle]

I AM FINALLY HERE OMG so sorry for the long time waiting feedback/comment on CAPTAIN'S LOG ahem

And you did not want to be caught in the mess of policemen shining flashlights into mascara stained faces.

LMFAO I'LL BE HONEST been there before LOLOL minus the mascara stained faces fhnjkdasfdjskasjkd

“I think you have a problem, another weekend like this and you’re going to have to pay for my liver transplant,” you said to Yunjin when you returned.

OMG me to my friends back then when they would party every weekend jhdsadjskaajksd i'd get a text every Thursday, "wanna drink this weekend?" i had to start lying to stay home lmao

“Oh, sorry babe - didn’t see you there,” snickered one of the boys.

BABE? I'M ABOUT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT RN DHJSAKHDJAK

Seeing him up close, there was no point in denying that he was cute, especially with the furrow in his brow he wore due to the thought of his friends.

the way i fangirled and gushed because his brows furrowing BYE

your internal facepalm for trying to make a pass at the cute boy from the circ desk

ASDFGHJK GIRRRRRRRRRRRRL SMOOTH but too soon

He smiled, and leaned in closer to make sure you heard each other, “Library, right?”

THIS AINT EVEN SUNGHOON AND I STILL BLUSHED BYE

You cringed seeing the line of people all waiting for the bathroom.

THE TRUTH IN THIS OMG

You turned around to meet eyes with Sunghoon’s neck, he was awfully close. He took a half step back upon seeing your surprised eyes, but gave you a smile.

OH MY GOD SGFDHAJDAJKSDK i would have freaked tf out and probably pee in my pants right then and there lolol

His white shirt was loosely buttoned, revealing several inches of his chest, his skin smooth. Sunghoon leaned down to whisper, “If you’re trying to be subtle about checking me out, it’s really not working.” He smelled strongly of coconut rum, explaining his boldness.

THE WAY I LET OUT A GOD DAMN SHRIEKING SCREAM! DGHJSAKHDJKASH GOODBYE SUNGHOON I AM LEAVING

10:10 - LADIES SHOT HAHA

IDK WHY BUT I LAUGHED SO LOUD AT THIS HAHAHAHA

11:12 pm - FUCK I MISSED 11:11, but I still wish for pu$$y

WHO WROTE THIS? JAKE? LMAOOOOOO i am fucking wheezing byeeeeeeeeeee

11:30 pm please I beg of a crumb of puss for my boy Jay please add him on snap here: jjongseong420

NOT THE 420 HAHAHAHAHAHA i am crying WHO MADE THIS LOG? this is way too funny oh lord

Sunghoon didn’t take the hint and laughed out loud, “Holy shit, was that Heeseung?”

NAUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DHJSAKHDJAKSHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY EYES

“I know our hockey team is mostly composed of skinny boys, which is already unusual… But you?” Your eyes traced down his slim figure, “A coach?”

and the roasting begins LOLOL i freaken let out an ugly ass laugh on this part. WORTH ROASTING

“Damn, I didn’t think you could get any hotter,” you blurted out, honestly surprised. Usually you’d feel at least some regret admitting that, but the way Sunghoon’s ears burned red? Priceless.

WHAT A PUNK DHJASKDHAJKSHSA I LOVE THIS

It was he who made the first move, his hand pressing lightly on your thigh as he leaned towards you. You fluttered your eyes shut, fully anticipating his lips against yours, only to open your eyes in confusion a few seconds later after nothing. He was biting his lip to not burst out laughing, his hand now stroking the top of your thigh. “Sorry, I just- it’s fun to tease.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH IM GONNA PUNCH THIS ASSHOLE LMAO HOW DID I KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE FAKE AND IT IS! PARK SUNGHOON, COME HERE YOU DICK!

“Be careful. The people under the balcony might hear you.”

“Jeez, Sunghoon, are you an exhibitionist or something?” You teased.

EXACTLY! STFU, SUNGHOON! GIRL, GET YO MAN!

And as you felt his fingers slip inside of you, the door swung open, another busy pair of bodies stumbling towards the bed. And, obviously in the darkness, you screamed, but so did Sunghoon. And so did the other couple. “Wait… Sunghoon?” The guy said, his voice sounding surprised and almost proud?

DGHJAKSHDJKASHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH IM SORRY BUT THE WAY I FUCKING LAUGHED AGAIN omg i need water. im choking

He chuckled too, thankful you were nonchalant about everything, and leaned down to kiss you again.

awwww T_T not a soft lil kiss. dont hurt me like this.

2:02a - LOL YO SUNGHOON VIRGINITY IS NO MORE! VIRGIN

2:20am - ^ NO FUCKIN WAY HOON???

2:33 am - ^  IT WAS ME I TOOK IT LOL -JAKE

  WAIT THE SHOE NOT THE VIRGINITY

VIRGIN?! JAKE! AHHAHAHAHHAHA THIS GETS FUNNIER OMG i cant right now. my stomach is hurting hdjaskdhjaskhdsjka

“See you at the HYB house tonight? I’ll make sure there's enough Malibu,” he flashed you a vague smile and walked off. 

STFU JAKE HDSJAHDSAKS you lil shit omg imma fight him

“Can’t you just pass the door guy a couple bills and call it a night?”

“Bitch, I’m literally broke. If they say no, I’ll just sneak in from the side.”

ahhhh sneaking in minors... dhsajdhajk the good old days LOL omg never again!!! ahahahahhahaha

Sunghoon nodded. “Yes, mommy,” he visibly cringed as you blinked at him. “Ugh, sorry, the pledges have to call the girls that tonight.” He turned around to pour your drink. You, too, turned to look the other way.

THE WAY I CRINGED IM SORRY SUNGHOON. DHJASKHAHAHAHAHA

He was so good-looking, even from behind.

the way that i've been crying to my friends about his back shots from the fansites all morning oh gawd

You thought to yourself, now am I getting laid?

GIRL! WE MUST STAY FOCUS.

The sirens in your head went off again as he slid an arm under you, pulling your heavy head against his chest.

WEEWOOWEEWOO I NEED WATER ASAP

Sunghoon mumbled, “You okay? Need water?” He was aimlessly scrolling through his front page of Netflix.

YES

Sunghoon climbed on top of you, lightly pinning your wrists against his sheets.

THE HAND WRESTLING TO THIS? #TEAMFERAL

“If this is all you want from me, I can’t do that.” He said seriously. “I don’t want to just hook up with you, plus you drank too much.” 

awwww women respecter frfr omg imma go cry buckets of ice cream brb

Eventually agreeing on watching Saiki K

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I FUCKING LOVE SAIKI K AND HIS WEEB ASS WOULD WATCH THIS. ALL I GOTTA SAY IS, SAIKI IS JUNGWON LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sunghoon dipped his face deeper into your hair and neck, with a soft groan as if to shut you up.

SCREAMING! SUNGHOON, CHILL I NEED TO BREATHE

Maybe Sunghoon was a green flag.

I READ THIS LINE RIGHT HERE and Shoutout CAME ON MY PLAYLIST bye i am leaving this sunghoon fandom rn

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH EM! THIS WAS SO GOOD. LIKE SO FREAKEN GOOD. i am crying buckets of tears. like T_T it was so sweet. SUNGHOON, GREEN FLAG, EVERYWHERE!!!! The way he's like "can we not hook up?" T-T ANYTHING FOR YOU, STUPID! and how he made her drink water to sober her up so no headache will happen in the morning. THE WAY HE DIDNT CARE IF SHE STANK because oh gawd im always like OOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF DJSAKHDSJAKHSKA T-T ugh Shoutout started playing and now im crying lmao my emotions are all over the place. this is so beautiful <3

GENIE AHHHH THANK YOUUU

HAHAHA i was so excited to hear your thoughts and you didn’t disappoint 🥺 IM SPOILED! a whole essay indeed <3

im so glad you enjoyed it! i was going in between if i wanted to actually make sunghoon a fuck boy but i just couldnt - hes too soft ;(

and thank you for pointing out some of my favorite lines too HAHA your commentary is so fucking funny - much of this fic was my recounting of silly party moments of mine too

thank you so much, it means a lot <3

[heffrondriving]

just the absolute clusterfuck MESS that is my 2021 spotify wrapped,, call me architects bc holy hell i need a hot moment

[chicago-reeed]

Mwahaha take this cringe sketch that I will never ever finish :P

[cicada-candy]

SCREAMS ROKHAL THIS IS SO GOOD AHJSDKAG ASHJFA

my brain is Fucking Fried from Class this week ive literally went to reblog this like 6 times and kept getting distracted so Uh Yeah this might make No Sense but anyway

"As Robbie scrubbed the brake cleaner off his hands,"

-Robbie's Nuking Ant-hills, as usual, i see azdsdhawujka

"He had a terrible thought and whispered, “Talk to me. I’m not doing this on purpose but if I know you’re in here I think I can give you your body back.” He stared uncomfortably into his own eyes, but the back of his mind was silent."

Oh. Oh wow. Um.

Fuck, dude.

Just. Straight to blaming himself that's. Brutal.

Ow.

On that note ->

"There was no washed-up mob henchman wriggling in the Charger’s trunk. Robbie found a couple bags of school supplies, a tool box, and a big first-aid kit, nothing sinister, and then in the shadows, oddly, something pink and shiny—one of this Gabe’s collectibles? A Beanie Baby?

A BEANIE BABY? A BEANIE BABY.

“FUCK,” the pink thing bellowed, and then it unspooled and slipped up over the edge of the trunk, hit the ground with a slap, and slithered away."

THE FUCKING VISUAL OF THIS IM WHEEZING. "WITH A SLAP."

" “The Cecil, huh? Good times.”/ “Don’t tell me you killed people there.”/ “I won’t.” "

AHSGSGAJQJEHSHDJAL

Oh Eli you bitchhhhhhhh lmfao

"“Can you not act like my existence is an imposition for two seconds.” /Robbie slammed his fist into the steering wheel. “You exist because you committed human sacrifice.” Eli slithered out of view behind the passenger seat."

Oh nope right back to pain town. You writing Eli and Robbie's Dynamic in any universe is always so fun in like. In a The Jokes In Hamlet way. Like Haha omg they're fighting- oh shit yeah human sacrifice is uh. Oh wow. Kinda way

Good fuckin food 🤌🤌🤌

"The horror on the ceiling reached closer, closer, as black claws unsheathed from half-molded fingers. Then it drew back and tension shuddered through its body; the woman on the bed shuddered in synchrony. Its eyes fixed on the back of Lisa’s neck. It lunged, but Robbie was faster, slicing its wet palm with his knife as he pushed Lisa aside. As it swiped back to retaliate, he instinctively leaned into its path—baiting it with the Rider’s leather skin filled with the Charger’s fire ready to erupt the moment those claws released it to burn his enemy—and screamed as the talons sank into his human shoulder."

like just. all of this. is so good What. God I can fuckin feel that ouaghh rokhal ur writing skills i justn👏👏👏

"Ty glavny, ya tvoy suchok"

giggling like a five year old. 10/10 no notes

"Robbie landed hard on the edge of the bed, bounced, and rolled to his feet. His feet—/ “Point your toes!” Lisa yelled, too late. He tripped over his own ankles and crashed face-first into the bedside table./ Whenever the Rider ate shit like this, he’d sink through his own shadow and reappear in the car like he’d meant to do it—not that he was embarrassed, just that he preferred not to take the time to pick himself up."

CACKLING OH MY GOD

THUNK

"He could tackle Lisa and rip Eli away from her, bash his head into the wall—but she’d never trust him after that. “He’s not safe, he used to be a—”

-“I know you are, but what am I?” Eli interrupted, and Robbie wavered."

OH YOU FUCKIN DICKKK

To quote wazzappp: "you arent even real and I have Problems over you"

Except the Problems are my lack of Fist-meet-face skills avagdvsbanan

“Idi na hui, suka,” Eli corrected her.

Again. Giggling. Like a five year old. Success.

“I got this,” Robbie whispered to himself, stumbling to the nearest wall for balance./ “He can’t even walk!”

Felt lmao

Closing Statments: Holy Shit How Do You Never Miss?

ANGR Magical Girl AU: Wrong Universe

The Robbie I usually write wakes up in the Ghost Rider Magical Girl AU.

I figured that in Magical Girl AU, Robbie is likely to go to Lisa to ask for help walking in heels (assuming Johnny's tips are less than useful) and Lisa gets so excited at the prospect of Robbie participating in drag and he denies that's what he's doing but refuses to explain so in her desire to be supportive she ends up stalking him so she can cheer for him at his show and ends up finding out that he's a magical girl which somehow makes a lot more sense. She becomes a valuable member of the team because she has social skills. Of a sort.

If anything here contradicts any other ideas anyone else has in the works, MULTIVERSE BAYBEE it's noncanon :) The Sharpie thing is purely a case of Great Minds Think Alike though. I saw that in Moose's fic and was like, twins!

This is way too long 😭

As Robbie scrubbed the brake cleaner off his hands, the axle grease wiped away and so did the black Sharpie he’d hastily scribbled onto his fingernails that morning. His bright pink fingernails. If it was nail polish, the brake cleaner should be taking that off, too; he scrubbed hopefully at his thumbnail but this was as useless as the acetone he’d tried before resorting to Sharpie.

He’d woken up feeling more normal than he had in a long time. The pleasant sensation of a full night’s rest had faded as he’d gotten dressed and made Gabe breakfast. His bad eye was mysteriously back to normal and the scar on his forehead was completely gone, but his goatee was shaved off, he had some kind of jewel embedded in his chest, his fingernails were pink, and. And Gabe wasn’t his Gabe. It was Gabe’s face, and Gabe’s smile, but instead of cartoon and comic book heroes filling his shelves and plastered all over his door, it was sparkly anime girls and Japanese motorcycle riders; he was happier, stronger legs and steadier hands, and he didn’t second-guess Robbie’s every expression and movement or double-check his identity after every time Robbie left his sight. Robbie spent half an hour tossing the bathroom looking for his epilepsy meds before he checked the app on his phone where he tracked expenses and found that this Gabe had been off them for an entire year.

The apartment was mostly the same; same view across Hillrock Lane out the apartment window, same pile of automotive magazines on the coffee table—now with manga mixed in—same thrifted art on the walls. Robbie had wondered if he was still asleep, and dreaming, or better, if the last two years had been a long and vivid nightmare, until he noticed the time and realized that he’d missed Gabe’s bus and was about to be late to work. He’d stuffed a stale tortilla in his mouth and gnawed on it while grabbing a pair of coveralls and helping Gabe into the Charger to get to school. He’d dropped Gabe off and made it all the way to Canelo’s before he realized that he hadn’t heard from Eli all morning.

He stood now under a half-disassembled Chevy Tahoe, scrubbing desperately at his glossy pink fingernails as though with enough solvent and friction he could wipe himself from this world and return to his own body, his own curse, his own Hillrock Heights, his own brother. He simply had no better ideas.

“Reyes!” Canelo barked from across the shop, and he jumped, dropped the can of brake cleaner. “Quit daydreaming!”

Eli would have had a snide comment about how Canelo ought to mind his own fucking business or risk getting disemboweled. Robbie checked the time and added up the hours he was due by the end of the day, for future reference in case Canelo rounded his pay down when it was due next week. If he was still here next week. He couldn’t be stuck here until next week but he didn’t know to do anything but work. Did his other self know anybody here who dealt with interdimensional travel and too-pleasant dreams? He wasn’t a Ghost Rider here, Johnny Blaze wouldn’t have any reason to have met him…

...But he was a something.

What the hell was he now?

He was on the clock, that’s what. He had a job he knew how to do, to provide for a brother he loved, even though neither of them were his, and he would reinstall this truck’s axles and wheel bearings and not get his alternate self fired and then he would, somehow, figure out how to get home. (Dread filled him.) (He hadn’t fantasized about murdering anyone all morning.) (The world felt brighter, his senses more vivid, his flesh and skin snug over his bones, and he could believe for the first time in a long time that he might be safe for others to be around.)

“You alright, son?” Canelo asked from two feet behind him, and Robbie hit his head on the Tahoe’s subframe. It didn’t hurt as much as it probably should have. Canelo was just standing there, frowning a little. “Take five, I’ll get you some ice.”

What the hell, Robbie thought, and no one answered.

Canelo did, indeed, return from the break room with an ice pack. No one else at the shop seemed to think this was unusual. Marty winced at Robbie and patted his own head, mouthing, You okay? and even Ramon grunted sympathetically at him. Robbie retreated to the bathroom where he pressed the ice pack to the starting bruise and stared himself down in the mirror. Without his beard, he looked young and delicate—that’s why he’d grown it. But it wasn’t just the beard; his eyes were brighter, his skin was smoother, the scar through his eyebrow had faded—all the scars on his hands were gone, too, the bashed knuckles and burns and scrapes that were inevitable if you worked with cars all day. He looked tender and undamaged. He looked like someone worth protecting.

He had a terrible thought and whispered, “Talk to me. I’m not doing this on purpose but if I know you’re in here I think I can give you your body back.” He stared uncomfortably into his own eyes, but the back of his mind was silent.

He got out his phone—same PIN as usual—and checked his contacts list. Johnny Blaze was on there, but Johnny Blaze had almost killed him and Eli the first time they’d met; how would Johnny react to some strange, murderous version of Robbie wearing the skin of the Robbie he knew? He couldn’t beat Johnny in a fight in the real world. He didn’t know how to explain himself. There was nothing to do but finish the Tahoe.

The day rolled on, he returned the Tahoe to drivable condition and did a couple tune-ups and oil changes, and he snagged a moment to Sharpie his nails black again. He wasn’t afraid of nail polish—he had black nail polish at home somewhere, eyeliner too—but pink was not his style and was liable to attract the wrong kind of attention, especially with how...how he looked, in this world. (What was he? Was he something that could fight, defend itself? There was no fire waiting under his skin to consume his human weakness.)

He was puzzling over a set of trouble codes from a fifteen-year-old Nissan Maxima when his phone buzzed. If this version of himself worked on the same logic, he’d set it up to mute unknown numbers but programmed in all Gabe’s teachers and therapists. He dug into his pocket under his coveralls and checked it. It was Lisa, saved in his contacts list with a photo he didn’t remember taking: familiar bright hair and smile, raising two fingers in a V in front of one eye while her other hand displayed a river rock with a large hole worn through the center, dangling from a pink ribbon.

This was not a conversation he was ready to have. He ended the call. A minute later, she called again. Robbie walked to the time clock and punched out as he answered. “Uh, what’s up.”

Screeching and howling and buzzing in the background. “Omigod where are you?” Lisa demanded. She sounded out of breath.

“Work,” Robbie said, baffled. “What’s going on, are you okay?”

“What do you mean what’s—” Banging, panting. “Where’s Eli?”

A chill unfurled under his skin, his hand grew numb as he gripped his phone case. “What are you talking about.”

“Did you lock him in the freezer again?” Lisa demanded. What. “I know he’s annoying—”

“That’s one word for it,” Robbie muttered, swallowing bile.

“—but he’s an essential member of the team!”

“What team?”

Lisa paused. “The, the team,” she said hesitantly. “The Guardians of Hillrock Heights. Robbie, you. You know what you do helps people, right?”

He was disappointing her somehow—no, worse, letting her down. “Yeah, of course, I, uh.” Eli existed here, but this Lisa knew about him; obviously this version of Robbie had trusted her more. Or she’d just stalked him and figured it out. “What do you need me to do?”

“Get to the Cecil Hotel,” Lisa panted. “Bring Eli. And stay and talk to me after you transform back.”

Transform. Robbie rubbed the hard pink jewel embedded in his sternum. “Right. Okay.”

He left the time clock and approached Canelo’s office, racking his brain for some excuse—a lie about Gabe? A medical appointment? When he opened the door, Canelo met his eyes and sighed. “Again? Well, go on.” Robbie stared at him. He wasn’t even scowling. “What do you want, a hug? Go do your thing.”

He ran out of the shop and threw himself into the Charger. As he sped out of the parking lot, he almost clipped off one of its mirrors against the security gate. He grabbed his phone and started to search for the Cecil Hotel while making a left turn onto Atlantic Boulevard and almost crashed head-on into an F-250; he couldn’t drive and use his phone at the same time anymore. The phone dropped to the floorboards and he pulled hastily to the side of the road, cursing.

His connection to the Charger was different here, too. Still there, but weaker. Possibly just in his head. He tried to stretch out into it anyway, feeling its vibrations, listening to the loping chug of its idle and the continuous hiss of its supercharger, but his consciousness stayed firmly in his human body.

He heard something clank in the trunk.

Atlantic Boulevard was not a good place for a street fight. Robbie found his phone, pulled up a route to the Cecil, took a detour in an alley behind a warehouse. He hit the gas and slammed the brakes a couple times before shutting down the car and sprinting around the back to pop the trunk, confront this alternate version of his uncle, slam the trunk on his neck while he was still dazed, kill him like this alternate Robbie wasn’t yet sullied enough to do.

There was no washed-up mob henchman wriggling in the Charger’s trunk. Robbie found a couple bags of school supplies, a tool box, and a big first-aid kit, nothing sinister, and then in the shadows, oddly, something pink and shiny—one of this Gabe’s collectibles? A Beanie Baby?

“FUCK,” the pink thing bellowed, and then it unspooled and slipped up over the edge of the trunk, hit the ground with a slap, and slithered away, S-curves glittering in the sun as it struggled against the smooth pavement. Robbie gaped, then chased after it. Him. Eli was making slow progress and Robbie caught up quickly, but he turned on a dime; Robbie headed him off away from a nearby dumpster and danced around him for almost a minute before he had the idea to shrug off his jacket and throw it on Eli’s head. Eli backed out from under it but by this time Robbie had him by the neck. “Look. Revenge is, you don’t got the mindset for it? There’s healing in forgiveness. It makes you more stable. Less prone to violent, emotional outbursts. Kid. Kid! We had our differences, but it was the situation, the close quarters, you know? You’d do the same in my position, I just wanted to live, I had unfinished business! And now, heh, you got a body, I got a body, we can go our separate ways. Kid? Hey?”

Eli was a shimmery pink snake about half-again as long as Robbie’s arm. He had round shining eyes in a hundred shades of rose, and the large scale between them was shaped like a heart. His forked tongue sparkled as it scented the air. His voice was exactly the same.

“You, uh. Look different.”

Robbie had a sinking feeling that stomping the snake’s head under his boot wouldn’t be doing this world’s Robbie any favors. He dangled Eli in one fist at arm’s length—an essential member of the team. “You don’t know what’s going on, either.”

“Believe it or not, I’m not the cause of everything that goes wrong in your life.”

“Lisa wants us at the Cecil Hotel,” Robbie said, returning to the Charger and dumping Eli on the passenger seat. “She requested you by name. We’re gonna take care of whatever’s going on and figure it out from there.”

“The Cecil, huh? Good times.”

“Don’t tell me you killed people there.”

“I won’t.” Eli awkwardly pressed his long narrow body against the door, slowly lifting his head toward the window. Robbie took a hard left and Eli slipped sideways between the seat and the side pillar. “Fuck.”

“Apparently you’re important for some reason.”

“Can you not act like my existence is an imposition for two seconds.”

Robbie slammed his fist into the steering wheel. “You exist because you committed human sacrifice.” Eli slithered out of view behind the passenger seat. Robbie took a breath. “You’re a talking pink snake here. You probably have magic powers.”

“Pink?”

“You color-blind, too?”

Eli was silent for the rest of the drive. Robbie hoped he was figuring out what magic powers he had, otherwise they’d just have to wing it.

Hotel Cecil was a trio of brick buildings spanning half a city block and joined by skywalks. The complex had probably been impressive before the invention of reinforced concrete. No longer a failing hotel for people falling down the ladder of society, it was being converted to affordable housing for people crawling back up. Robbie parked across the street and squinted up at it. He was pretty sure the walls weren’t supposed to be covered in gray goo, but there was a ghost tour or something right there on the sidewalk and none of the tourists were taking pictures. Maybe it was a maintenance thing? An art installation?

“Huh,” Eli said, finally squirming his way up onto the dashboard to take a look.

Robbie texted Lisa: Here.

Her reply was immediate. Fourth floor front building room 73

No emojis. That couldn’t be good. “Any ideas on how to get inside?” Robbie asked.

“Put on your spare coveralls and act pissy.”

Robbie could have thought of that himself, but he had no better ideas. He stomped through the graffitoed doors of the unassuming entryway and through the unexpectedly grand marble halls of the lobby floor, scowling like he’d been called in on his day off to fix a plumbing catastrophe that could have been prevented by routine maintenance the previous week, and glancing up now and again at the pulsing tangle of veins the color of neglected differential fluid that wormed between the ceiling lights and which no one else seemed to notice. Eli wrapped himself around Robbie’s neck like a scarf; uncomfortably close, but better, at least logically, than having him ride along in his thoughts like usual.

“Art nouveau,” Eli commented, peering up an angular gold-and-green wall sconce beside a statue in an alcove whose opening was carved to look like palm leaves and Egyptian columns. “Classy place full of staff who don’t ask stupid questions.”

“Shut up,” Robbie hissed. They reached the pair of elevators that served this part of the complex: just two, and one was out of order. A big brass dial on the top indicated that the elevator was on the eighth floor, and going up. Robbie stabbed the button irritably, then gave up and ran for the stairs.

On the fourth floor, the gray veins were so thick that the ceiling looked a foot lower than it should have been, and the light sconces were mostly covered. Somehow, the light escaped anyway, leaving the carpet brightly lit and the air at shoulder-height and above dim like twilight. Robbie watched a tall man in a business suit strolling down the hall, his entire head vanishing into the pulsing fleshy mass. “Keep your head down, there’s gray magical crap on the ceiling,” Eli informed him.

Robbie felt a moment of glee that Eli couldn’t just look out through his eyes anymore. “I noticed.”

“Try touching it. Left hand.”

Robbie poked one of the ceiling tentacles with his left pinkie finger as he advanced down the hall toward room 73, and cringed as the rock in his chest seemed to shudder in protest. The gray flesh was clammy and yielding, leaving his finger numb as he pulled away. Even if it was invisible, how did anyone walk around with their whole head swimming in this stuff without noticing? What was it doing to the people it enveloped?

He passed room fifty, and noticed that the higher the numbers progressed, the thicker the veins overhead pulsed and the lower they sagged, growing to fill more of the narrow space even as he watched. He crouched low and broke into a run. Room 73 was nearly overtaken; limbs as thick as ventilation ducts sprouted through the walls, heaving and pulsing and moaning, ozone and rot thick in the air. He had to kneel beside the door as he knocked. “Lisa! It’s Robbie. I’m outside.”

“Get in here!” Lisa yelled from within.

“They ain’t changed this lock since ‘98. You can shim it with a credit card.”

Robbie bypassed the latch and shoved the door inward against the mass of shifting tendrils packed against the ceiling. There was barely room to crouch inside; the rust-red carpet shone in the light of fixtures completely swallowed by the strange rot overtaking the hotel. He ducked as a gray coil twisted past his face.“Can you get to the door?”

“Kinda busy!” Lisa grunted. Someone else screamed, inhumanly long and somehow muted, the volume too soft for the cracks of agony in the voice. Robbie leaned down and spotted what looked like a clear space around the hotel bed. He army-crawled toward it. There was something wet and sticky on the floor—not blood, it smelled like solvent. White spray-paint, circling the bed. He dragged himself over the painted lines and got his first look at what Lisa was busy with.

There was a body on top of the blankets, a middle-aged white woman with hollow cheeks and loose skin rising in narrow folds where gray tendrils sank into her from above. Lisa had a broken bottle in one hand and was sawing at the thickest of the tendrils just above where it sank between the motionless woman’s eyes. With another, she held a flat rock with a hole in the center, scowling through it like a lens. From the nest of gray veins on the ceiling, a human figure sagged down, joined to the woman joint by joint with those tendrils. Its mouth was a formless hole, its eyes cold wet pits, its flesh the same sludgy substance as the rest of the hotel’s infestation. Robbie swallowed. “Is she alive?”

“For now,” Lisa said, scraping furiously at the tendril. Robbie noticed with horror that two other tendrils had descended from the ceiling to sink into Lisa’s shoulders; he lunged forward and ripped them away. The rock in his chest shuddered as his hand went numb. “Was it on me?” She turned around and looked at him for the first time. “Omigod, why aren’t you changed?”

Robbie took a deep breath and stared up at the vacant eyes of the abomination on the ceiling. He pulled out the blade on his multitool and joined in cutting the woman free; the gray stuff yielded like flesh to expose a tough stringy black core. “We can wrap her in the blanket and drag her out.” The human shape began to drag one of its hands down toward them, struggling against an unseen force.

Lisa grabbed his wrist. “Robbie, she needs an exorcism. You have to change.” He stared at the river rock that dangled from a long pink ribbon on her neck as she tried to meet his eyes. “She’s got kids who miss her, she’s turning her life around, you gotta help! Come on!”

“I don’t remember what you’re talking about,” Robbie blurted.

“Omigod are you cursed or something?”

The horror on the ceiling reached closer, closer, as black claws unsheathed from half-molded fingers. Then it drew back and tension shuddered through its body; the woman on the bed shuddered in synchrony. Its eyes fixed on the back of Lisa’s neck. It lunged, but Robbie was faster, slicing its wet palm with his knife as he pushed Lisa aside. As it swiped back to retaliate, he instinctively leaned into its path—baiting it with the Rider’s leather skin filled with the Charger’s fire ready to erupt the moment those claws released it to burn his enemy—and screamed as the talons sank into his human shoulder. He could barely feel the wounds through the hollow ache the creature’s touch carried, but the worst pain was the furious hum from the stone in his sternum, rocking and jerking like an engine that had snapped its mounts; he thought his chest would crack open from the force. His hand went limp and the knife dropped and stabbed blade-first into the bed. He punched ineffectually with his good hand as the creature lifted him. New tendrils sprouted from its body, seeking to plug into his own. He was as frightened and angry and frustrated as he’d ever been in his life, and though he was suppressing none of it since this Lisa was already enmeshed in his supernatural bullshit, the transformation wasn’t happening.

Eli slithered down his coveralls and escaped out his pant leg as he struggled. Lisa stared in horror through her river rock. “Eli! Help him!”

“Eh, sure,” Eli said, watching Robbie from the bedcovers while Robbie’s leg went cold and dead. “Rake its eyes! Behind your left shoulder!” Robbie flailed blindly with his working arm, hoping Eli hadn’t gotten his left and right confused.

Lisa stood up and grabbed Robbie by the waist, trying to pull him down. Blood from his shoulder soaked her hair. “What’s wrong with you two? Say the words!”

“What words?”

Lisa groped his chest until her palm pressed against his pink troll-doll gem. “Oh, thank God. Say it: Tie cloth nee, ya toys or chalk!”

“What?!”

“Say it! Tie cloth—”

“Ty glavny, ya tvoy suchok,” Eli interrupted. “Five words, you can do it.”

“Die glovny, a twoy sujock,” Robbie gritted out just before the ceiling monster’s limbs closed around his throat. For an instant, all he knew was aching cold and darkness. Then the stone in his chest sparked and a shockwave erupted through his body, driving away the clammy gray tentacles in a blast of warm pink light. It doesn’t hurt, he thought, shocked. Changing into the Rider in his own world was a cathartic blast of agony as his body cremated itself from within, but this, this was nice. He was weightless in a void of dancing blue-green lights. The pain of talons crushing his shoulder was gone, and so were the low-grade headache he always got about halfway through the work day and the tension in his spine and the knot on his head from banging it into the Tahoe that morning; he tingled all over with the contentment of an hour-long hot shower where he wouldn’t have to pay the heating bill. He stretched out, luxuriating in the feeling, and realized with horror that his body wasn’t there.

I’m hallucinating, he told himself. It was hard to think through the nice bubbly feeling, but he remembered that Lisa was right there trying to stop him from getting eaten, and there was a woman on the bed below who was dying, and he couldn’t see or feel anything but the bright pink gem illuminating the hollow space where his body was supposed to be. He thrashed, but it was like trying to fight the wind with a puff of smoke. He was nothing but thought, and he couldn’t even panic properly.

Solidity returned in jolts and starts: cool fabric twisting around his body and snugging him into shape. Protective gloves, leather boots long enough to save his knees from road rash, body armor, something to guard his forehead. The familiar handles of a pair of body hammers filled his palms, and the world snapped back into place. No time at all seemed to have passed; he was still suspended above the bed by the ceiling monster.

He was not the Rider, but he knew what the Rider would do. He jammed one hand into the mouth of the humanoid sludge stalactite and stabbed the spike of a body hammer through its skull. It moaned, and he stabbed again, flipped himself around, gripped its leg between his knees to anchor himself, and struck for the heart, the throat, all the vital targets that he’d trained himself to avoid whenever he gave in to the urge to beat down local thugs in Hillrock Heights. Black blood spattered into his eyes and trickled up his nose, reeking of mold. Its touch no longer chilled him; his touch seemed to burn it. He beat the creature until it melted away and retreated back into the ceiling, all the veins and coils and tree-root limbs draining away after it. Robbie landed hard on the edge of the bed, bounced, and rolled to his feet. His feet—

“Point your toes!” Lisa yelled, too late. He tripped over his own ankles and crashed face-first into the bedside table.

Whenever the Rider ate shit like this, he’d sink through his own shadow and reappear in the car like he’d meant to do it—not that he was embarrassed, just that he preferred not to take the time to pick himself up. Robbie pried himself up off the floor when he realized that his powers in this world did not include the ability to dissolve into the room’s nicotine-stained carpet. He was wet, disappointingly fleshy, and entirely alone in his head. His protective gloves were doing a poor job, already soaked through with disgustingly organic black slime, and his feet—

He looked down at himself for the first time. He wasn’t wearing protective gloves or work boots or body armor. He had the kind of delicate white cotton gloves that women wore with ballgowns in old movies, and thigh-high go-go boots over tights, and what looked like a women’s ice-dancing costume. The ankles of the high-heeled boots were decorated with pink rhinestones, and so were his white-painted hammers. The worst part was that under the pink satin bow where the gem from his chest had migrated, the black leotard bore the same staple-shaped white stripe as his favorite jacket. This was his ice-dancing costume.

He tried to get his feet under him to stand, but the heels were in the way. Whatever force had undressed him seemed to have a grudge against the stock geometry of the human foot; the boots were so stiff he could barely bend his ankles. When he yanked at them, they didn’t budge. He couldn’t find any fasteners. He was about to grab one of his spiked hammers and try ripping through the leather when he noticed Lisa looking down at him from the bed, holding Eli twined around her forearms like a pet corn snake.

“Get the fuck away from her,” Robbie snarled, lunging on his knees.

Lisa jerked back, carrying Eli with her. “Okay, what is your deal today? I thought you had amnesia, but the way you bashed up that genius loci—are you, like, possessed by your alternate universe evil twin with a goatee?”

“Basically,” Robbie said, retrieving one hammer from under the bed. “Put him down.”

“Hey, looks like we’re friends in this universe, too.” Eli rested his head in the crook of Lisa’s elbow and flicked his tongue at Robbie.

“Rrrrrrrr,” Robbie growled. It sounded ridiculous without the rumble of the Charger’s engine filtering through his throat. He could tackle Lisa and rip Eli away from her, bash his head into the wall—but she’d never trust him after that. “He’s not safe, he used to be a—”

“I know you are, but what am I?” Eli interrupted, and Robbie wavered.

Lisa passed him the box of tissues from the bedside table. “Wipe your face and exorcise Mrs. Sanchez so we can get her out of here.”

Robbie hated that this “change” had left him with a human face to wipe. He struggled to his feet, gripping the mattress for balance. The woman on the bed hadn’t moved; she stared vacantly at the ceiling, black veins spreading from the points on her body where the ceiling-monster’s roots had anchored. She was breathing, at least. Her lips were an unhealthy gray-purple. “Any idea how I do that?” he asked, glaring at Eli.

“Search me, I dunno what trigger words alternate-me picked.”

“You make a cross with your hammers,” Lisa said, demonstrating with her empty fists, “and say something like, eej an owie, sucker?”

“Idi na hui, suka,” Eli corrected her.

Robbie had a bad feeling that all his powers were activated by Russian vulgarities. He took careful crouching steps as he retrieved his other hammer, keeping one hand on the bed or on the wall as much as possible, then crossed his hammers like a priest in a vampire movie and did his best to parrot Eli’s words. There was a rush of wind that set his hair fluttering along with the skirt and pink bows of his leotard, and a fountain of pink sparks erupted from the hammers, right at the comatose woman’s bare face and the flammable-looking bedclothes. He had to separate the hammers, to turn off the power or at least point it in a safer direction, but his body wouldn’t obey him: his spine straightened and his shoulders drew back and his legs stepped wide into a power-stance despite the boots pinning his feet at an unnatural angle; he was spraying hot sparks at a defenseless innocent person and he was posing like he was proud of himself.

The seizure ended and he dropped the hammers and stumbled to the edge of the bed, ready to smother fires with his thin cotton gloves, brush off any burning embers from the woman’s hair. Lisa caught him by the shoulder. “Hey! Hey, look, you did it,” she said, examining the woman through her river rock.

There were no fires or burns. The infected gray-black marks were retreating up from her skin and trickling away into inert slime. “What did I do,” Robbie panted.

“You saved the day!” Lisa said brightly. She lifted her rock to check the ceiling; fresh veins had begun to ripple over the paint in a human outline that mirrored Mrs. Sanchez. “You saved...two thirds of the day. Eli, so your thing.”

Robbie hated that he knew Eli well enough to read from the tension in his sigmoid posture that he was taken aback. “My thing.”

“Bite her!” Lisa said impatiently, watching the ceiling.

“What?”

“His bites heal people.”

“Puta madre.” Eli stared at the woman in...probably disgust. “This is…” He cut himself off, looking up at Lisa. “Just what I’ve always wanted.”

“You are so full of shit,” Robbie hissed. Lisa glared at him, and Robbie glared back. “He is!”

“We don’t have time for this,” Lisa said to Eli, making a strange gripping gesture beside his head. “Hurry up or I’ll do it for you. Manually.”

Eli grudgingly fit his mouth around Mrs. Sanchez’ wrist and wriggled his lips and teeth around with disturbingly more mobility than Robbie had expected a snake to be capable of. Robbie clenched his fists as translucent pink fangs flicked into view before sinking into her wasted skin. Eli’s body glowed, and pink sparks shimmered along her veins, circled over her heart, and flashed twice before vanishing. Mrs. Sanchez opened her eyes and sat bolt upright, staring at Robbie.

“Uh,” Robbie said.

“Oh thank God you’re okay!” Lisa squealed, throwing herself between them and gripping Mrs. Sanchez by the torso. “Ma’am, you just survived a carbon monoxide leak, it’s absolutely imperative that we get you to fresh air, you may still be experiencing visual disturbances, first responders have been called, come on, let’s get you out, don’t worry about your belongings, let’s go. Go. Go.” She half-led, half-wrestled the confused woman out the door. Robbie took two steps after them before his ankles did a death-wobble and dumped him to his knees. “We’ll figure out your amnesia-whatever when I get back,” Lisa assured him. “If the hotel wakes up again…” She mimed bashing something with a hammer. “You got this!”

“I got this,” Robbie whispered to himself, stumbling to the nearest wall for balance.

“He can’t even walk!”

[bag-head]

i hit a certain amount of followers on a social media site and immediately call myself an influencer

[nightslain]

            @notte-la-lagna || my darling partner in crime

I wanted to do a little something for you just to remind you how dear you are to me and how grateful I am that you are a part of my life. For the past six years, you have been my best friend, my closest confidant and have made this hobby the utter joy for me that it is as well as making the world a generally better place to be in, and my life a better one to live. For the worst of times, you were there;  for the best of times, you were there, and not once have you ever let me down. You have always supported me, listened to me, reached out to me and gone above and beyond to take care of me, even when we are oceans apart--something that I genuinely forget, with how close we’ve become. Life has given us both a lot of flack to deal with, but I always find myself thinking things can never be so bad when I have a friend like you in my corner. And I think that is deserving of more thanks than I can possibly imagine.

All this time, I’ve watched you grow as a person, a writer and an artist and it has been one of the greatest joys to see you step into yourself more and more as the years went by. You only shine more with every passing day, even through the hard times that come pouring down, and I hope you know that. You deserve to know that you are a brilliant person, a fantastic friend, and a gifted creator. Beyond a shadow of a doubt you are one of the best things to have happened to me, and that you are still here with me after six years on this crazy roller-coaster we call life makes me feel luckier than I possibly deserve. I’d honestly be lost without you.

One day I’ll tell you all this in person, I’m sure--goodness knows we’ve been intending it for some time. But this will have to do for now to express the gravity of my appreciation that I have you as a companion. All that I can really say is thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for helping me soldier on through all the things that life throws our way. You are dearly loved, my friend, and will be for many more years to come.

[awkwardlyqueer]

This dumb bitch LMFAO

We do be making a joke and he's like "1 + 1 doesn't equal 41!!!!11!1!!11!!"

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dumb bitch I can't-

Who asked for his "proof"?

We're joking around LOL

He's getting more fried than last weeks bbq-

He called us retarded lolololol

im fucking crying i cant

i fucking cant aHJAGJHGHDLKHNGFGUL

I CANT BREATHE JABKGXKJ

holy shit

im dead

message the roast master: get schooled coward

so much happened im dead

"you shouldn't breed"

i cant

he ran when i stood up

i yelled and fortnite danced

im dying

fuck that was hilarious