#IM SO SORRY FOR HIM BUT SELF DESTRUCTION IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE

[museandwords]

worship in decay ( bucky barnes x reader)

Warnings: female!reader, dubious consent, lots of alcohol consumption, mentions of casual sex, addiction mentions, the avoidance of genuine feelings, foul language, self-destructive behaviors, self-hatred?, self-esteem issues, parent issues, childhood trauma, bucky is no saint, but he tries to be a good boy, mentions of mental health, this will be expanded on per chapter.

Author’s note: this was affectionately nicknamed the hoe fic. i have been working on this for the better part of the past two (three?) months. im still adding, re-writing and editing a lot of the chapters. so far i have 7 chapters planned, though this may change as it's expanding by the second. weekly updates are planned, and to be perfectly honest this is just self-indulged and an ode to the sluts. please validate me, feedback is welcome. also sorry i've been gone for so long (i got married)

MINORS DNI! 18+ ONLY

PROLOGUE 

You don’t know why you do it. 

You suppose you could put the blame on your absent father, or the degradation and restrained hatred your mother held for you. You remember being that small child – begging for their love. 

Now you find it in the hands of strangers. 

Maybe you could blame it on the liquor that burns your throat and melts the ice off your bones and paints the world in some rose-coloured hue.

Or maybe (and this is the part that scares you most) you’re just truly a despicable human being, in which all of the ugly parts of your parents made you whole. 

You try not to think too much about that. So you find comfort in the warmth of bodies, the hunger in kisses, the worship of strange men that bring you closer to God than any religion could. 

At the end of the day; human beings are mammals at their core, it’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re starving.

‿︵‿︵ - - ‿︵‿︵ 

Waking up in the 21st century initially shook Bucky to his core.

American culture had fallen into a frenzy of degeneracy that could’ve made James Buchanan Barnes cry. 

But he wasn’t James Buchanan Barnes anymore, he was something else.

And he was already desensitized to the dread of the world thanks to the recollection of his own mental house of horrors.

He just couldn’t believe there were more people like him.

People who are more desperate, self-serving, and shameless, he notices. He feels right at home with them. 

That debauched urgency to chase a temporary high to replace the self-hatred even just for a little while was something he and these kinds of people shared. Addicts, the depraved, the lost, the broken. 

Let them say Bucky Barnes was their king. 

He's learned quickly that being brainwashed and kept on ice for the past 70 years really took a toll on his libido, go figure. He’s like a damn teenager full of raging hormones wanting to stick his dick in anything that moves. Now all he craves is the warmth of a human, living breathing body beneath him while their essence fills the holes in his soul. 

What surprises him more is that they let him. They let his blood stained hands all over their silken soft skin, they let his rotted essence into their core, infecting them, tainting them, over and over, and they enjoy it.

His teeth graze their neck, and they should be scared that the Winter Solider could rip their throat out in a millisecond.

Instead, they coo and sigh and hold onto him tighter. It's addictive.

He loves them, every single one, for one reason or another. 

This one makes pretty noises in his ear and smells like candy, that one has a beauty mark beneath her left eye and can make him laugh, those other ones look pretty in sundresses and make him breakfast in the morning.  They all give him something, things he never knew he needed. To be adored, taken care of, loved.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Hello, Im not really good at putting my thoughts into words and english isnt my first language, so im sorry if this doesnt make sence.

Cw talking about suicide

If killer and color got their happy ending and got to escape nightmare, I think killer would kill himself eventualy, specificaly i think it would be stage 1

As far as i understand wasnt it implied that killer was going to kill himself but then nightmare took him out of his au to work for him. And i dont think stage 1, in the rare ocurances that he was "awake" (idk how to say this properly ×_×) he wouldnt like being forced to kill again but now under someone elses command so maybe he will try to end himself too, but nightmare would propably cause a forcable switch to his soul so he would go back to stage 2.

Color let killer choose to go with him, so surely color wont entervine when killer decides to not exist anymore? Well i guess if killer chose to leave with color than maybe he decided that he wants to live, since working for nightmare, he would be dead anyway, either from nightmare or maybe form some other person while hes in a fight or somethingm

But as someone who relates to killer a lot.. i dont think this urges of wanting to die would go away that easily. Im sure stage 1 still thinks about it, and maybe he would feel guilty for troubling color with his problems , that he doesnt deserve to have color as a friend and hes only causing him trouble and such. Stage 1 would propably feel bad for killing people and causing pain to so many people maybe.. Im just thinking about how color crying having to let his friend go on his last walk, and killer comforting him, that this is truly what he always wanted...

If color was truly his friend he wouldnt take the freedom away from him and try to convince him not to do it right? Wouldnt killer think that color is taking that choice away from him. Or maybe it would be different with color, i dont know...

I dont know how to conclude this, I hope this makes sence... i love reading your theories and headcanons for killer and color, you made me care about him again after years of not being in the fandom^_^ i hope you have a good day

I get what you mean. And I agree that even in his Good Ending, killer will struggle in many ways. his self destructive tendencies and suicidal ideation and self harming behaviors wont just dissipate. And neither would the absolute shame in his existence, the belief he doesn’t deserve to exist.

I do believe that if color realizes that killer is dead set on killing himself, that existing just hurts him more, although it will be hard and color would exhaust every option first..I don’t believe color would ever take away killers choice. especially not when this is a choice thats been taken from him before.

..maybe they’d even attempt to do a double suicide or a suicide pact. but I think killer would want color to live, if only to keep him alive in his memory a little longer before they met again in the afterlife.

but heres the thing. killer & colors stories are one of the very few in the utmv that ends happily, on a hopeful note. And I don’t wanna take it from them when it’s something they fought so hard for.

and..well, the idea that tortured people can only find happiness and peace in death and will never ever heal..just upsets me a lot. i think killer deserves to live life, however long he has, with those who he loves and who love him back. and i want him to pass smiling and content.

he may not live to be anything close to physically elderly, but I want to believe he cherished the last few years of his life. and he was happy.

[xabarik]

Sorry but... but why andrey and block???? i reeeaaally like ur work but and they somehow work together but why them??? /nbr

ohhh this question.... I don't want to be that person who writes an essay in response to a question but who cares what I want right? going to brutaly use your question to talk about them (sorry for the repeats and mistakes, eng is still not my first language)

In short: because I want to. In long: actually blockdrey is a thing that was born year++ ago from a silly idea (they do have a couple of interactions, so it was fun) I told my girlfriend and she really wanted to support me at the time because of my job-killed state. a lot has happened since then but we still love them very much.

It's an explosive combination that's either fire or, suddenly, harmonious resonance. Interesting perspective. First of all, they are two independent and NOT codependent adults. andrey and block are as equal as possible, even if they disagree on some points. block is stronger and tougher physically, andrey is more agile and strong-willed.

andrey demands a "deterrent" for himself. he brings harm to everyone with his own personality, and the people around are not the kind of people who can stand it. andrey is too strong, freedom-loving, too impetuous, and destructive. block is a deterrent by profession. a major-general undertakes to be the commander-in-chief of his unit's actions. and he is so in character: restrained, logical, rough…. and he's clearly going through things that the average man can't. he's got a strong inner core.

They'd be looking for equal partners. there was no situation that andrey was interested in people weaker in any way (primarily in spirit) and, as it seems, all those who interested him have great willpower. yes, eva yan too. and block has proven himself over a hard and rough life. a man capable of answering both a blow and a word. what he needs from another person is freedom

block comforts himself with hopes for a miracle. i love the way he warmly treats the polyhedron without disliking either side. he is caught between the hammer and the anvil of events. If you remember the conversation between stamatins and dankovsky, then you know they are not so different in their positions. polyhedron needs the city, without it it's confined in formalin. block with all honesty can close the gap in andrey's "inferiority complex" so to speak, which by the end of the story goes completely over the edge. he doesn't feel real without maria and peter, doesn't feel whole. "he's done everything that was asked of him". block is a pragmatist. he knows who invented the polyhedron and whose hands made the miracle stand. and this understanding is important to andrey as a person. and he really needs that faith (especially in this situation with Powers). The matter of miracles is their personal way of finding common ground, even in the fire.

block can be admired for andrey's courage and determination in achieving goals. he himself gives in return stability and reliability, the necessary restraint, deterrent, a stick in the wheel. and yet he does not suffer from it. this helps andrey to focus his energy on achieving constructive goals. in independent self-realization. overcoming the stagnant crisis!

for both of them life is a never-ending struggle for a place under the sun. block is used to making rules, andrey is used to breaking them. block wants to control his environment, andrey hates control. a fight in this situation is more like what they both need in the context of repressed anger in one and open aggression in the other, which no one can resist. andrey finds an equal opponent, block finds an opportunity not to be judged for this breakdown, as andrey will only support this. a fight that is a need for both is not always about destruction.

I like this combination because they are equal and… They can talk about what they both want... they can discuss their positions! opinions!!! each other!!!! im chose to be happy with fireworks and presentation. and being chill. their maneuvering on the edge, where there's fire on both sides, I like it. it's interesting and gives me more space. I need a normal (as possible) "plate breaking", where everyone will understand the position in the end and won't go crazy. where the quick burnout of one and the neurosis burning life of the other will give them an opportunity to look at it differently. i mean... relationships are always about passing on and gaining new experiences, it's mutual help, trust. you are two self-sufficient people, able to speak with words through your mouth and without using each other (even if they CAN but they don't and thats the thing). and not denying a different outcome in their case at all lolol but im interested in other things i just like to analize life and everything and show it through stuff. that's why it's them. that's just how the stars aligned yk

[c-kiddo]

tmn are all nd: a bunch o headcanons

(a sequel to these trans headcanons lol)

(also, warning before that this post is about neurodivergency and mental illness, so various mental illnesses will be mentioned. i dont want to single any out here, but you should probably skip this if thats something thats upsetting 2 you)

(also also, this is a infodump and not super in-depth or articulate, so sorry if i worded things wrong because i don’t mean to lol im just bad at reading things on screens so it might get jumbled. . )

beau: she’s got adhd and will hyperfocus and work All night on her theories and notes. perhaps she has audhd, has low-ish empathy and doesnt know how to regulate volume or realise her tone is usually annoyed sounding ksjnjkfs :''') also she has depression n that combined with adhd made her especially impulsive and self destructive, but she’s working on it, getting better :’) also had problems with substance abuse but the cobalt soul (dairon specifically) helped her get out of that. has cptsd because of her upbringing and abuse from her dad 

fjord: he’s got adhd too, babey!!!! also he’s got tourettes and his most common tics are: clearing his throat, a small head tilt, raising his eyebrows and grinding his teeth. he's a bit (a lot) impulsive and him and beau cant be trusted alone together they will get distracted and into trouble

yasha: she's autistic!! mostly effected by th social aspect of it.. like, talking to people is hard and she doesn’t get jokes or sayings and its all just tiring. also has p bad social anxiety. also memory loss from trauma as per canon.. struggles with when she does start to remember things but luckily has a support system so she doesnt just run off on her own like before :')  she also tends to disappear off like that due to sensory overload and just being overwhelmed in general bc of autism

caleb: i mean, he’s autistic n its basically canon. he experiences psychosis and has ptsd n depression/anxiety that has come from his trauma. he already had OCD before trauma and his obsessions revolve around hurting others A Lot, especially with fire after his trauma.. he also has dermatillomania due to ocd and anxiety. also has some sort of disordered eating in a self-punishment way.. .

veth: she has autistic-girlie-who-was-diagnosed-as-an-adult swag .. . and then the substance addiction that often comes with that i guess :''') .. also think she has body dysmorphia of course, especially during her being Nott, and some lingering things after too.. she just struggles to perceive her body for a while.. yeza rly helps ground her back to herself tho so thats nice :' ) . also she ptsd from her own murder + drowning , as per canon

molly: has npd and also he has a traumatic brain injury caused by all the things going on in his brain when his souls leave and he dies and things.. so struggles sometimes to find the right words and with memory and with mood regulation. also experiences psychosis and just, in general, strange things going on in his brain.. . also he likes sounds and textures all the time but will sacrifice th sounds for hanging out with yasha because its 110% worth it to sit with her instead ;w; they sign to eachother sometimes and have a made up sort of language

jester: she's got adhd and it means she loves having 10 conversations at once and spinning around and telling you all about her fave romance novel at lightning speed. she stims like all the time with little objects and ribbons and bells. also accidentaly yells a lot sknfsk and same as molly, likes noise n things all the time, gets kinda anxious or sad without it.. ;-; oh jester,, filling up space with noise so she doesnt have to be in the quiet..im not sure if i have any more thoughts about her rn :o

caduceus: he’s autistic (so overwhelmed by noises and too much all the time, also his empathy is fluctuating and he's not sure how to perceive it.. its confusing, he can be very empathetic and then, sometimes he's just in focus-mode and totally doesnt get at all what the vibes th other person is putting out is).. he’s got (inattentive) adhd. also depersonalisation derealisation disorder. and experiences psychosis since it was triggered by being alone in the grove so long + consuming hallucinogens a lot. he tends to just deal with it and not to tell tmn though, even though most of the time there's some little whispery noise or a fuzzy shape around, he's not scared mostly, only when he's triggered by something... also bad anxiety sometimes that he doesnt know how to deal with so he usually casts calm emotions on himself to help, or the herbs he chews (or smokes) for his joint pain help it. and also, his eating is Disorded but doesn’t quite realise (denial, ignoring it perhaps) the eating habits he has aren’t healthy,... he's just. kinda messed up still from all that time alone.. he had his own odd sometimes nonsensical reasons behind ways he treated his body and some of them stuck. also omg this section is a mile long im sorry,  but also he has dyslexia and dyspraxia and dyscalculia . .. numbers and letters and walking without bumping into stuff is tricky. also thats why his fine motor skills for writing /drawing aren't so good like in canon :-3 

ok,. thee end. good night now u_u zz

[noemilivv]

Hi! I accidentally submitted a response for the Hazbin matchups when submissions were closed, im sorry. In case you didn’t receive it, here’s mine again :)

My name is Aster. Im bisexual and demisexual. I mostly think romantically about male characters. I’m a huge theater kid, would like to go into directing/playwriting. I’m quite reserved and don’t like loud environments. Would rather stay home and read than go out drinking. I sit in the corner writing an entire script into my notebook from memory.

I have ADHD and many symptoms of autism.

I cannot understand sarcasm most of the time, and I need to take most everything seriously. You can find me picking at my finger pads all the time and having violent mental breakdowns because I can’t figure out a math problem :). I think I’m a very lovely person, people just need to stay and look past my self-destruction. I either sleep til 3pm or not at all

Style: Some say I dress like Kurt Cobain. I cannot go anywhere without my shirt tucked in, a musical sweater, and my tote bag. My earbuds are my security item. I have medium length brown hair, hazel eyes, kinda big nose, braces and glasses.

I have huge daddy issues. I’ve seen Zal Owen as a father figure for as long as I can remember. I don’t have any siblings and am not close at all with any family other than my parents.

Love: I love physical touch!! Kiss me, cuddle me, hold by hand, etc. I also love acts of service. I’m such a sucker for romance and intimacy. Like, let me sit so close in public that I can smell your gum. Rose filled bubble bath just for us, hell yeah. I’m so used to being forgotten or discarded socially so I just kinda need THAT person to actually give a shit. I’ve had my heart constantly broken since I was eight. I need a lot of reassurance and care. I’d like a partner/bestie who is invested in my special interests (can talk to about a show, can harmonize properly with, etc). I’m very very clingy, let’s just say that. I can talk for literal hours about my interests and tell you all the info you need about anything Broadway.

I like to see the good in everyone, and will always try my best to help and be the one to love and support others when they’re not getting any, even if we’re strangers. There are some people I just loathe, though.

Hobbies: I play piano and ukulele. I have huge appreciation for music, and love analyzing it. I love writing and sketching, though I’m not the best at either. I just watch a lot of YouTube and sing a lot of showtunes outside alone on my swings after a long day of socializing.

hey aster!! i didn’t get a request from you so i don’t think i got it haha anyway, i decided to pair you with…

Angel Dust !!

Angel doesn’t mind staying home with you because honestly, after a long day of shooting, going out to party isn’t his number on priority it’s Fat Nuggets you

As much as I don’t think Angel’s too love language is physical touch, he wouldn’t shy away from giving it to you

I can see him going to shows with you as well, Angel gives me heavy theater kid vibes, tbh

[seimio-inari]

this might be kind of weird but... i really need to vent this scara brainrot somewhere i am sorry

i love scaramouche from genshin impact so much

im so in love w him its crazy i didnt know my brain could get obsessed with a character for this long.

he made me learn how to cook. trying to make his signature dish was so fun. he made me go back to my author/writer era. he ignited my passion for drawing again. he made me even more motivated to learn japanese language. i also began to have interest in learning chinese and korean language in order to understand his cn and kr voicelines. this fictional character literally changed my life

reading scara x reader fanfics became what i look forward to every single day. i became a resident of the "Scaramouche (Genshin Impact)/Reader" tag in ao3. he made me write again. he's the first thing i think about in the morning when i wake up.

he's the last thing i ponder about during night when i'm about to go to sleep. he's the one i would delude my brain about when i'm down, imagining him hugging me and headpatting me "it's fine, your efforts are not futile" (delusional ikr)

he's the one i would think about when i'm feeling self destructive. he's also the one i would think about when i'm feeling like i wanna disappear from this world

im so mentally ill for him ?? how could a fictional character have so much impact on me.

scaranouce scara moucbe scaracmpuhe scaramouces csra mouche scara scara scara scara scara wanderer wandere wandere wandererr wanderer wnaderrer wabderere wanderer woggghhh no thoughts head empty just scara brainrot darling i love you so much stay with me forever

Ugjghfhfhf sometimes i wish he was real but would he even be willing to be with someone like me if he was a real person 😭😭

[capcavan]

AFTG tfc ch1 Re Read by cavan

(i do not remember any details so its almost like im reading it first time lmao) tumblr does not give me read more cut off option so deal with this i guess sorry #CavanrereadAFTG if you need to block it chapter 1 "She'd beat him to the hell and back if she saw him sitting around and mopping like that" is quite violent way to phrase "she woudl be displeased to see him .." so was neil casually beaten by his mom or we only on page 4 of neil backed up trauma management and im already thinking about scene where this boy will finally brek open and admit how much he wants normal life and not having to hide his emotions and you know live a little without this whole batman personal covering his face already hit by brain made connection about how exy is what took rikos life away from him and how it's the thing that kept neil alive through the worst of his here i am making it about this little cunt already but what else were you expecting of me?

learning new things about English language always nice! neil "its cool my mom died i can finally stay in one place for a bit" how had this boy not murdered this woman himself is beyond me fr ,, please go away" neil wymack already adopted you just haven't got the adoption papers yet I wonder if Janie Smalls is taller than Andrew Minyard "her best friend found her bleeding out" okay but - who is Janie's best friend is it one of foxes? what if it's seth ? Makes sense for it to be seth nvm friend explained to me that potential recruit means she was not at palmetto at the time " Typical of a fox " see riko would make amazing fox that's boy self destructive af in all of my head cannons

broadening my vocab nice nice Notorious for their tiny size i know it's bc there only 9 of them but i will stay believing it is bc everyone is short math time, had not seen kevin in 8 years neil is 18-19 now so he was 10 ok will remember Neil: i need to be very sneaky about my past wymack: do you need a pen? neil: i can't play for you because you signed kevin day wymack: ....... ??????? I LOVE HOW ANDREW WAY TO SAY HI IS FUCKING CRUSHING NEILS LUNGS AGAINST HIS SPINE ????? forgot how radioactive they are bc of how cute they are welp things align riko broke kevins hand andrew beat up neils internal organs for no reason at all! i love when all my ships are fucked up

assailant here is the word i keep using but spelling "assultant" lmao , man im learning so much ,, Andrew was blamed for kevins recent transfer" - kandrew is strong with this one ppl in universe just assumed kevin fell in love on first sight and they ARE RIGHT

i cant tell if im here to study cannon or english but like i know what those words mean but i don't know their definitions does that make sense? OH THIS IS SO CUTE I WILL DRAW THIS FUCK YES LETS GO he slammed motherfucker with his own racket dfghsdjfhgg Hernandez is literary the only normal person over the course of those 3 books andrew *assults someone as hello* wymack: Andrew's a bit raw on manners / my dude with this reading speed it will take me half year to go through those books but im having actually a lot of fun here neil: i already said i can not sign with you wymack:OK BUT YOU STILL NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY KEVIN DAY IS THE ISSUE HERE did kevin heard it lmoa i wonder if kevin heard the ,, do you need a pen - YoU sIgNeD KeViN DaY no wonder kevin was bitch to neil he thought the lil bitch hated him on the start lmao Andrew was only here because Kevin day never went anywhere alone here you go with your raven programming <3 YEARS SINCE THEY'D WATCHED NEIL'S FATHER CUT A SCREAMING MAN INTO HUNDRED BLOODY PIECES Kevin / Dark hair and green eyes, black number 2 neil saw that number and wanted to retch He and his adopted brother Riko Moriyama wrote the numbers one and two on their faces with markers, tracing them over and over anytime they started to fade. ok so were they drawing their own numbers? it sound like kevin was drawing his number too also this is the only mention i think of riko being reffered to as kevin,s brother in the books anyway I have case to make assuming kevin and riko were doing those numbers form young age pre 10 ... it just makes sense the system they use would be Arabic not roman i just can't imagine small kids knowing roman numbers when they were neglected in nest i think this is best case i can make for it. friend provided proof that in book the four tattoo neil get's is introduced as "4" so ok arabic canon moving on Riko nad Kevin were inducted to national court 1 year pre aftg story starts They were champions and neil was a jumble of lies and dead-ends on one hand it's funny how desperate they all are to sign neil on other hand i deeply believe they just see the desperation in his eyes, we know that neil wants it and those contact lenses do not hide it , they know that he wants to say yes, they are just confused about what the fuck makes him say no (kevin's bitchiness) or at least i would make this be the case if neil didn't just got assaulted and if they didn't literary phrased it as ,, we are not living without you signing this" like .. kidnapping with extra steps much ???? playing like he has everything to lose is not excuse for you all to harass this poor man like that OK HOLD ON A SECOND "He'd remember the scrimmage interrupted by that man's murder"

what man what murder the man nathan butchered for them? did nathan murdered someone during game?

WHAT HAPPENED

the moment kevin would start looking at him funny- he already is ngl im only on page 12 and i just hate neils mom i have no phrasing for it but the fact that every choice neil could make for his happiness is meet with ,, mom would be sooo mad" is really frustrating to read about... what is the point of even being alive for this boy fr???? i wonder if theres any specific place they would have been safe it? kind of would be fun to have au where neil and his mom go to japan and end up getting protection form yakuza F BOMB 1 F BOMB 2 COMBO fuck i love those characters so much okay like all of them It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you"

David "idealistic idiot" Wymack wymacks sincerity is what lets foxes trust him , wymack is the first adult in their lives that understands Savge yank of her hands in his hair here we go fuck he has so much guilt over trying to live a little this is so un fair "I'm sorry"he gasped out between wet coughs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

[vasito-de-leche]

also, also —

I wrote out so many quotes 'cause your language is beautiful and you manipulate it to express complicated figures with simple words so easily is breathtaking. SO I took many quotes and one seriously got on my mind

"would you forgive him just as readily if he were to kill someone in front of you?" I feel like I'd need you elaborate on that one. The thought looks curious as an idea for a situation but at the same time I understand how easily forgiving reader would be borderline ignoring severance of the situation(maybe??? Im still not sure how this works since we got fans already knowing he unalives ppl easily in the first place + the whole setting does collocate with high death rate so...) and on the other hand, abandoning him is just gameover. So I thought the closest to actually getting through this situation without being too unrealistic would be two options

First one is probably classical "y/n already knew it before and them getting close to FMN was with that fact taken into account" and the second one is (mourning the loss of life then) turning to him to adress the issue and try to figure some other ways to "win" without killing anybody(paralyze potion??? More mind games? idk). As if it's _our_ problem and not just his. tldr: jokes on him we are not getting off of that ship.

sorry for this getting too big. you've awakened a dog and it's rabid

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS, I LOVE LOVE LOVE DISCUSSING THINGS IN-DEPTH WITH PEOPLE! this is us right now, we're sitting and talking about FMN's unstable mental health together and we're holding hands and we're having fun

when I wrote that oneshot, I wanted to keep everything as vague as possible when it came to the reader - this includes their involvement with FMN's and how they tackle the ticking bomb that is his personality and moral compass!

the only thing regarding the reader that I wanted to come across is that the reader cares about him to some degree - the depths of those feelings are pretty much up to you and how you feel about FMN

the SECOND thing I wanted to come across is the fact that FMN lives in his own head, so everything HE perceives about the reader is either projection or wishful thinking, like. you CANNOT take him at face value because everything he thinks and says is a contradiction. he's obsessed with you but both denies it and revels in it, he spends so much time observing you but also misses INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS things about you. he loves you and he hates you. etc etc.

so when FMN starts thinking all that shit about how would you react if he were to kill someone in front of you, that's all intrusive thoughts. they make no sense and are fueled by impulse and things he doesn't actually want to engage in (but might, just because he's one hair away from constantly ruining his own life in one way or another, FMN is self-destructive above all else)

the message underneath is that he simply just wants to keep being awful and irredeemable because he wants to show you that he's ugly inside and outside because he's STILL pretending to be a smooth and very hinged person. it wasn't meant to establish that the reader NEVER saw him kill or commit any other atrocities, or that they're willingly blind or anything else - again, those aspects are left vague for whoever reads this to fill in the blanks AND FMN cannot be trusted in here, especially when reading his POV

ultimately, I can't start elaborating on how the reader would react if they saw FMN kill people fireworks style after this oneshot - because YOU are the reader, I don't control your thoughts or perception. in this oneshot, the character of the "reader" lacks any sort of backstory, motivations, or any solid info to even start thinking if they'd forgive FMN or abandon him or whatever, if that makes sense. I didn't establish if they're an arcanist or human, if they're mixed or infected, if they're willingly siding with Manus or are blind to FMN's affiliations with them, etc. it's all up to you in the end! you get to pick how you'd react in the aftermath!

if we were talking about more specifics like, "how about a reader who rejects the foundation and believes in manus?" or "can you write about a human reader caught up in the crossfire?". those things I can deffo work with because there's context for me to start from

hope this made sense, and ty for the asks!! always a treat to see more FMN fans <3

[missingn000]

HI THIS IS HORRENDOUSLY LATE AND I'M SO SORRY

i'm afraid this meta is shorter than the others, but i wanted to focus on geto's breakdown because there's so much to dig into. without further ado, let's get started!

Where’s the line between I want to destroy the world for him versus simply I want to destroy the world? What does it matter? Yuuta doesn’t even want me to destroy the world.

…you could almost say geto's love language is destruction, but he's surrounded by people who don't want that kind of love. luckily for him, though, toji's nigh-indestructible. i think there are three stages that geto has to work through, w/ varying levels of violence:

grief/revenge for killing riko, for setting him on that dark path to begin with

nonshaman discrimination; especially because toji's a "monkey" in the worst sense

geto's own deep denial over the regret he feels towards killing his parents

we're done with 1. regarding 2 & 3 though: how could he possibly accept a nonshaman, a "monkey," as a parental figure? sparing his friends' children is one thing, but this? how could he ever justify the sheer hypocrisy? besides, wouldn't it mean he killed his parents for nothing, even though they, unlike the okkotsus and zen'ins, loved him, and did him no wrong?

geto desperately craves comfort, but accepting it means destroying the mask he so carefully constructed for himself, a mask he donned so frequently it's almost completely melded with his skin. ripping it off isn't just difficult, it's agonising.

consider the hedgehog's dilemma, but with an added element: armour. in order to share body heat, the hedgehog must let someone get close - but what if it doesn't want to? the armour geto built for himself is spiked on the inside and chafes with every step, but he's so accustomed to the pain it's almost preferable to just keep it on. it's comforting in its predictability - there's a sense of security in knowing the pain is self-inflicted, because it means geto has control over the situation, which is so very important to him

...but accepting toji as his father figure means relinquishing control, which is deeply unnerving. it means acknowledging that hey, maybe his ideals aren't perfect. it means that hey, maybe he shouldn't have sacrificed his parents after all -

- and how could he live with himself, knowing that?

After all, the number one way to be cursed is to be on the receiving end of someone’s final words. Isn’t that why Getou asked them in the first place? He deserves it.

there's a lot of responsibility that comes with knowing what someone's last words are, but geto seems eager to shoulder it, almost like he's pre-emptively punishing himself for wanting to kill the okkotsus. at the same time, he's also filled with murderous rage towards them for the way they treated yuuta, creating an ambivalence that perfectly mirrors the contradictions warring within him :D

"I'm beyond saving." "You're beyond saving because you want to be."

well. considering the situation he's in, i can't blame him. wanting to be saved means acknowledging he was wrong, but that's not quite right, either, because gods never err, and geto should be no exception.

that aside, i'm almost fully certain he refuses help because he believes himself undeserving of it. he sees himself as a monster, and monsters don't get second chances. neither do fallen gods, for that matter

..........or do they? COUGH.

okay. ending it here. typing this ask gutted me. hope u enjoyed reading it

DONT APOLOGIZE IM THE ONE RESPONDING TO SHIT LIKE A MONTH LATE

anyway. i totally feel you, there was so much to unpack in getou's breakdown in itself, let alone the rest of the chapter. so without further ado. some semblance of a reply

well i already went insane over "you could almost say geto's love language is destruction, but he's surrounded by people who don't want that kind of love" in our chat but i'm gonna say it here again that this fucks me up SO bad because it puts everything i've tried to portray with his jarring overlap of love and violence.

you could almost look at the way the rest of the ff protects their loved ones as responses to external events and stimuli. they protect their friends and family from emotional and physical pain by fighting threats and healing past damage.

but getou's protection is him making the first strike. shoot first, ask questions later. his idea of protecting his loved ones is offense, contrasting with defense for everyone else.

which is exactly the situation he finds himself in with yuuta's parents, though he at first twists it in his mind as an act of defense -- a second strike against what they did to yuuta. following this logic, he might even try to convince himself that killing all "monkeys" is a defensive thing, since the crime of being a non-sorcerer was more than enough to merit that kind of punishment.

...or is it?

your point of "sparing his friends' children is one thing, but this? how could he ever justify the sheer hypocrisy? besides, wouldn't it mean he killed his parents for nothing, even though they, unlike the okkotsus and zen'ins, loved him, and did him no wrong?" is actually destroying me. because you're right. it's such hypocrisy, but then again, a lot about getou is.

and now he's in a situation where the only person he could possibly call a parent again is also a non-sorcerer. not only that, but the non-sorcerer who destroyed his life, shot riko, almost killed gojo, and sent him on his downward spiral! how is he supposed to reconcile this within himself? i hate to say it, but toji is way, way worse than the okkotsus. accepting toji's parental love is the ultimate hypocritical act.

but as you said: getou desperately craves comfort. and now here toji is, caring for getou the way getou's father once did and telling him he is loved. how could getou possibly reject this?

i think it's important to note that if he so chose, he could've. he's done so much mental gymnastics to justify himself before -- it's not like he couldn't add this to the list.

this brings back the distinction of can't and won't. because while can't is a restriction, won't is a choice.

getou won't reject love. not this time.

god i love him

[crash-cinematic-universe]

tiger lilies, self destructing, and richard siken

pairing: peter maximoff/reader

summary: to peter maximoff, love is an anomaly that scares him more than anything else. however, you might be able to help him overcome his fear.

warnings: language! but that’s about it. kind of cheesy at some points but yknow what im not lactose intolerant

notes: this is the monsterous fic thats been kicking my ass this past week (6.2k words babey!!!) i was originally going to add ~~steamy~~ section to this one but i decided against it to make it readable for those who don’t wanna see that kind of stuff. if you want me to separately publish that then just lmk!!  (if any of yall wanna talk about richard siken to me then please do, his work is so good)

taglist: @stranger-names ,  @gooseyhouse , @parkersdarling​ 

1. 

To Peter Maximoff, physical affection has always been a touchy subject-- no pun intended. His speed is a blessing, but also a bitter curse. He moves at the speed of sound, bouncing off the walls and tearing up the roads; he moves impossibly fast, and no one ever tries to catch up with him. People get tired of Peter rather quickly, not bothering to get attached to him when they know they can’t keep up. 

That’s why it’s so jarringly startling when you decide to stick around. When faced with the grand decision of throwing in the towel and leaving Peter behind or sticking around and trying your best, you chose the latter. It was surprising, to say the least. Peter waited patiently for the distance between the two of you to start growing; he waited for the void you once filled to open up again. However, the void never emptied, and the distance never grew. 

To anyone else, this would be a wonderful experience. Knowing that you wouldn’t be left behind or forgotten about would be comforting to anyone else in Peter’s position. However, this did the exact opposite for Peter. He wasn’t comforted or relaxed, on the contrary, he was always on edge. The future was cruel, and the mystery of it all felt like torture. 

To quote the great Richard Silken, “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Peter lived and breathed by this ideology, that everyone he loves would have to leave eventually, whether it be by their own volition or not. It was obvious that you didn’t plan on abandoning ship anytime soon, so Peter decided he’d take matters into his own hands. If you weren’t going to be the first one to walk away, then he’d be the one to run away from you. He soon came to learn that loneliness was at its most bitter when you’ve come to taste the sweetness of love. 

Love was a strange, complicated beast that Peter Maximoff had never dealt with before. If he were to be completely honest, love scared him. It scared him more than dying scared him. To Peter, death was an escape. Death was the end of a tiring journey, it was safe and simple and easy. Love was the opposite, it was the mouth of a dragon and the edge of a blade. It was the beginning to something so fragile and powerful, something that could end in flames. 

Peter realized he loved you on a summer afternoon. The sun was shining and you were in the shade. He sat down next to you, and within minutes Kurt and Ororo appeared at your side. They seemed so put together, so sure and strong. Peter felt out of place-- he felt as if he were standing outside of a cabin looking in through the window at your wonderful friendships. He watched with his nose pressed against the glass as you walked across the room and opened the cabin door to let him in. 

Peter realized he was in love with you in the middle of the night. A thunderstorm raged outside the mansion walls and raindrops kept time as Peter walked down the hallway. You were sitting on the floor of the common room next to a dying fire, a book clenched tightly in your hands. For a moment, he just stood against a wall and watched you. As creepy as he felt, a part of him believed he’d ruin your night by making himself known. He was okay with being a fly on the wall if it meant he’d get to see you. Peter wondered if there was a world where he had the pleasure of knowing you, without you having the burden of knowing him. 

Still, you saw him. And you knew him. And you waved him over with a smile. He felt the urge to run, to leave you here alone with yourself, but he stayed put. Then, one step at a time, he moved forward. He got closer and closer before he found himself standing at your feet. 

“You’re welcome to stay,” you told him. He believed it. Peter sat down next to you, letting his shoulder brush against yours.

“What’re you reading?” He asked. Peter already knew what you were reading, he read the cover of the book the moment he sat down, but he still wanted to hear it from you.

“Crush by Richard Siken,”

“Oh. What’s it about?” Peter already knew what it was about. He’d read it at least fifty times.

“It’s kind of hard to explain. I’d much rather just read it to you and let you decide for yourself,” Peter’s stupid little heart lurched, and he almost cried at the thought. He held it together, though. 

“That would be nice,” He said softly. 

“Sorry about all the writing in the margins, I can’t help myself sometimes.” Peter scanned the sides of the pages, marveling at your notes. Some of them were reactions, littered with exclamation points and question marks and bold letters. Some of them were underlined phrases and little doodles-- most notably a little drawing of a chameleon on a tiger lily. He loved them.

“It’s okay. Literature is meant to be marked up-- what’s the point of reading if you don’t get to share the love?”

“That’s a good point,” You grinned. Then, the reading began, and you allowed Peter to rest his head on your shoulder as you read to him. Even though he’d heard the poems a billion times by now, they sounded brand new coming from you. He listened closely. You were arriving at his favorite part, “You are Jeff” section 24. 

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you...” You read on, not noticing the way Peter’s eyes had shifted from the book you were holding to your face. Peter’s mind wanders, and he curses himself for missing the lines you were reading “... You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.” 

Peter felt like he was going to cry. You kept reading and he kept looking. It was getting late, and Peter was getting tired. Your voice had softened and slowed, and the fire that was burning in the fireplace had all but died. Peter was the one that fell asleep first, and you followed closely after. Both of you had lingering smiles on your faces. 

2. 

Intimacy is an odd thing, isn’t it? Thinking critically, intimacy is just vulnerability with more layers. It’s the closeness between people, it’s allowing yourself to connect with someone you care about. It’s stripping yourself down to muscle and bone and hoping the other person doesn’t let you bleed out. It’s a level of trust that is more than closing your eyes and falling backwards; it’s closing your eyes and letting them push you over the edge into the unknown, and trusting them enough to know you’ll be okay when you hit the ground.

It didn’t take long for Peter to realize that he had trouble with being intimate with other people. Too many times had trusted someone to push him over the edge, only to realize he’d be shattered when he hits the ground. After that, he decided intimacy was overrated. It’s not like anyone was going to have that kind of relationship with him, anyway. 

Of course, then you came along and uprooted his entire worldview, like you had with everything else. He found himself thinking about you at every waking moment, which inevitably led to him… thinking about you at every waking moment, if you catch my drift. Sure, intimacy involves more than just physical intimacy, but Peter knows he can’t ignore the feeling that rises in his stomach whenever he’s around you. For the first year or so of your relationship, Peter became very familiar with the feeling of an ice-cold shower. 

What Peter didn’t take into consideration was you. For some reason, Peter struggled to understand the fact that you were just as attracted to him as he was attracted to you. It was no secret that Peter was insecure, but he never really realized how much his insecurity affected his relationships. If he couldn’t love himself, how could anyone else? Peter is the only one who gets to see his persona in its truest form, and every time he has to avert his eyes. It’s safe to say his physical appearance has been the cause of very many painful-- and occasionally tear-filled-- sleepless nights. 

He told you this. He told you everything. He told you about Erik, he told you about his childhood, he told you about everything he loved and hated and feared and yearned for. That ordeal alone was scary enough, knowing that at any moment you could decide you didn’t want to deal with him anymore, but as always, you stuck around. You told him everything. You told him about your family and your struggles. You told him about everything you loved and hated and feared and yearned for, and not once did Peter even think that he wanted to walk away. This is the kind of intimacy that, over the years, Peter had struggled with less and less.

Still, it was the sexual aspect of intimacy that freaked him out. It was a beast he’d never dealt with, a feat he’d never faced. That being said, as every day went by Peter became more and more… frustrated. He didn’t know how to approach the subject, so he'd just let the subject approach him and wing it. 

And as he sat on his bed watching as you twirled around to Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”, Peter realized he didn’t have much to worry about. 

“Dance with me, dollface,” you laughed, reaching out for him. You looked like someone straight out of a movie, the lim blue light coming from Peter’s arcade machines illuminating a halo above your head. You put Molly Ringwald and Emilio Estevez to shame. Peter took your hand, grinning like an idiot as you twirled him around. 

There he was, dancing in his mother’s basement with his favorite person in the entire world. He wasn’t a great dancer, and neither were you, but that didn’t matter. Peter was dreading this visit-- he hated the idea of being back in the basement that made him feel like a failure. But you assured him that you’d be there with him, and that getting to see his family would make it all worth it. His family isn’t what made it worth it, though. 

“Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd came next, slower and a bit more somber, but still danceable. Your arms shifted to around his neck, pulling him closer than he already was. Somehow, you ended up with your back against the wall as the song came to a close. He kissed your forehead, then your cheek, then your lips.

“I love you,” Peter spoke softly. This was a small victory-- he’d been so scared of the mere idea of loving someone. You were the only one who got to hear his love confessions. They were for you, and for you only.

“I love you too,” Peter would never, ever get tired of hearing that. Knowing that you love him is enough to keep him going for a hundred years. And he knows the odds, he knows that love is rocky and painful as much as it is beautiful. He knows that love can feel sweet in the beginning and go sour overtime. He knows that first, second, third relationships don’t always work out. But he thinks this is going to work out. And Peter doesn’t think this will ever go sour. Maybe that’s his blissful ignorance talking, maybe he’s jinxing it, but at this moment, he doesn’t care. Right now he is at his happiest, at his most content. 

“You wanna watch a movie?” You asked softly, pecking Peter on the cheek. He could feel the warmth radiating off of you, and Peter grinned. In an instant the tv across the room began playing the opening credits to the first movie that popped into his head. 

“The Breakfast Club?” You questioned. Peter shrugged.

“What can I say, I’m a sucker for a good coming-of-age kind of movie,”

You sat against the headboard of Peter’s bed, allowing Peter to settle beside you. Your head rested on his shoulder, and he was quick to grab your hand. Peter loved the closeness. Over the past year, he’d come to realize he was a very affectionate person. Previously, Peter hadn’t known soft, physical love; the only time anyone would ever touch him would be as punishment or defense, not love. Love. Peter had gotten more comfortable with the idea of love, because when he thinks of love he thinks of you.

3. 

Every good story has a villain. A villain that you love to hate, or hate to love. A villain you can sympathize with, a villain you can’t excuse, a villain that the mere mention of makes you sick to your stomach. An unexpected villain. An obvious villain. A villain that’s just trying his goddamn best. Sometimes the villain is defeated, sometimes the villain changes their evil ways. Sometimes the villain dies and the crowd cheers. 

Peter Maximoff never thought he’d be the villain of his own story. He tried his hardest to be a good person, but there was always that side of him that made him afraid. He was like an explosive; whenever someone got too close, he’d detonate and destroy everything around him. It was a self-defense tactic, albeit counterproductive. 

It killed you to see him that way. He told you about the relationships he’d lost to himself. He told you about the abandonment and the loneliness. It broke your heart. He tried to distract himself, drowning himself in work so he’d never have the opportunity to ruin what he had with you. Peter Maximoff was a walnut tree; every time he planted his roots and began to grow, he’d kill anything that grew too close. However, the constant working started to wear Peter down.

It started with the late nights. He’d collapse next to you at four AM, knocking out the minute his head hit the pillow. Still, he’d be awake before you were, already scrambling around trying to complete various tasks. He was like a machine that was running from it’s problems. The late nights turned to all-nighters, and the few hours Peter managed to salvage set aside for sleep had shrunk to a few minutes at a time. He didn’t eat anything with even a hint of nutritional value. At this rate, he was going to work himself to death. 

The worst part? Peter knew what he was doing. He wasn’t stupid. He just needed to shut up the little voice in his head that urged him to act out. The entirety of his childhood, Peter destroyed what he created. The need to be isolated, the feeling that he deserves to be alone spread throughout his body like a cancer. He locked himself away in the basement, trying desperately to stay out of everyone’s way so they wouldn’t shut him out. People tried to coerce him out of his cave, to pull him out of the bottomless pit he threw himself into. Peter saw them as the sirens trying to lure him into the ocean of loneliness, and he wasn’t going to fall for it. In his eyes, anyone who tried to help him were the villains of his amazing, heroic tale. Fortunately for him, one by one, they started to give up on helping him. They thought he was a lost cause; a fucking loser who was destined to wallow in his own self-pity until he died. At first, this was a triumph. He defeated them, he outwitted the sphinx and slayed the dragon. But a part of him hated himself for becoming the worst-case scenario that every parent feared their child would grow up to be. 

He pulled himself out of his pit and back onto his feet, all by himself. It was hell on Earth, but he did it. That cancerous feeling of uselessness retracted back into itself, now residing in the place next to Peter’s heart. However, that horrifying fear of becoming a burden began to grow again, this time when Peter was in his mid-20s. He began to overcompensate, and that led him to where he was; always on the brink of collapse, running on nothing but coffee and twenty minutes of sleep. In return, Peter got to have friends. In his mind, that was fair. In your mind? Not even close.

You managed to catch him in his bedroom as he was in the midst of simultaneously scribbling in a notebook and reading an open novel. Peter Maximoff would always be the most beautiful person in the world in your eyes, but at that moment, he looked like hell. Your plan seemed foolproof, but then again, you weren’t sure what you were walking into. Lately, Peter didn’t seem like himself. Probably because of the lack of sleep. 

“Peter?” He looked up at you, eyes half-lidded. “I got you something.”

“You did?” A sleepy smile was all he could muster, but that was google enough for you.  

“I did. It’s to mark exactly three years since I first met you,” you sat down on his bed, placing the small wrapped book right next to you. Peter glanced at the calendar on the wall-- oh god, you were right. It’s been three years to the day and he forgot. He deserves the title of “World’s Worst Boyfriend”. Scott will probably be upset that he’s losing his title.

 “What’re you up to?”

“Finishing up some old work I’ve been putting off,” he punctuated his sentence with a yawn. “Some of my old work and some of Hank’s, too.” “Why are you doing Hank’s work?”

“He seemed stressed about something, thought I might help clear his head,” The sentiment is sweet, you’ll give him that.

“Alright, well, can we talk for a minute?” Alarm bells went off in Peter’s brain. There has never, in the history of the universe, been a good conversation that started with ‘can we talk for a minute?’ or any of it’s cruel variants. 

“Actually, I’m kind of busy right now, can this wait?” It was obvious that the answer to that was no, but still, he felt the need to ask. 

“Not really, no. It’s important.” Peter saw the next few seconds playing out in his head. The inevitable had come to fruition; you realized that you could do better, and now you were cutting him loose. He couldn’t blame you, not really, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to rip him to shreds. He realized that whatever you brought for him was most likely a parting gift. How sweet.

“Oh. Alright.” 

“Well, I’m going to give it to you straight,” you sighed. “I’m worried about you, Peter.”

Oh. He’s heard this speech before, he knows the spiel. He can vaguely recall a guidance counselor telling him the exact same thing before Peter decided to call him a slew of expletives. The tar pit in his chest began to grow.

“I’m fine.” This was a lie. The first lie in a long chain of lies that Peter was about to tell to you, his favorite person in the world. He loved you, but in that moment his vision clouded over. You weren’t the person he loved and cherished anymore, no, you were just another faceless blur that provided a temporary escape. 

“Really? I feel like you’re pushing everyone away, you’re pushing me away.” Peter was becoming more and more irritated by the second.

“I told you, I’m fine. I’m not pushing you away. 

“Don’t lie to me,” your voice is firm and unwavering. “You don’t sleep, you almost never eat-- I don’t think I’ve seen you stand still for more than three minutes once in the past month--”

“That’s just how I am,” Peter huffs. He wanted this conversation to be over. “That’s not your problem.”

“Your wellbeing is my problem, Peter, that’s the whole point of being friends with someone. Even more so now, because you’re my partner and I care about you--” 

“Then stop,” Peter rolled his eyes. He's more irritable than normal-- most likely because he hasn’t slept in days. He could almost feel the venomous arms of isolation creeping around him. It’s a sick pattern, he knows; every time someone gets close to him, he feels the need to self-destruct before they lose interest. Even now, even after all this time, Peter’s still powerless against the poison in his veins. 

“What?” You’re losing your reserve and your stature. He can tell. You’re slouching and picking at the cuticles on your thumb. It’s almost as if he’s been shoved into the back seat, and is now being forced to watch as a stranger takes the wheel and crashes the car. So much frustration, so much hurt, and it’s all coming out right now, onto you. Peter already regrets this entire interaction, but still, he manages to spit acid. 

“Stop caring. Just leave, I know you want to. I know every night, you lie awake and think about all the different ways you can leave me in the dust. Not that it would matter to me.” This is another lie. Your eyes flash with hurt, but you stay put. You know he’s just being an asshole because he’s exhausted and too stubborn to admit that you’re right. He’s egging you on intentionally, trying to get you to snap and walk away. 

 “Peter, god, I love you but sometimes you can be so...”

“So what? C’mon, be honest with me,” He huffed. 

“Frustrating,” You surrendered. The poise you once held was gone. “I know it isn’t your fault-- I know you’ve trusted so many people so deeply and been betrayed or sold out and I know you’ve loved so many times and been thrown to the curb without a second thought. But I don’t know what I can do to convince you that I’m here for you, and that I love you. I’ve tried everything, and it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. I want to make this work, but I need you to work with me.” It’s evident in your voice that you’re desperate. You’re just hoping you’ll get through to him, somehow. “I need you to want it as bad as I do-- hell, I need you to want it at all.” Here it comes--

“You ever think, maybe, I just don’t want you to be that person for me? I’ve spent my life being independent, my entire existence so far has been built around the fact that I’m going to end up alone. People come and people go-- people like you and Charles-- and they tell me they care. They tell me that they love me and that they're here for me. And then they get tired of me and they leave. I wish that you would just leave me the fuck alone and let me live in solitude,” There it was. The lie to end all lies. The words tasted awful coming out of his mouth, and the whole ordeal left his mouth tasting very… sour. Peter had to look away, he couldn’t look at the expression on your face.

“Fine. If that’s what you want.” Your eyes never met his, but you paused before you exited the room. “I know you’re probably just… I don’t know, going through something, but you’re being an asshole. Don’t talk to me until you’ve sorted your shit out. Enjoy your solitude.” You left the room impossibly fast, your fists clenched so tightly Peter feared that your nails would break the skin on your palms. He struggled to keep it together-- why the fuck did he do that? 

Peter collapsed onto his bed, and it’s only then that he realized you left behind the gift you got him. A part of him thought he should return it to you, but the other part of him urged for it to be opened. He tore the wrapping paper off before he realized what he was doing. The hardcover book the wrapping paper concealed was handbound, the cover littered with your beautifully familiar handwriting. In big, bold letters The Best of Poetry in the Humble Opinion of Y/n L/n was scrawled at the top. 

Peter vividly remembers a late night you spent talking to him. You told him about your favorite poems, outlining each and every little detail you loved about them. Some of them he’d read already, some of them he hadn’t, but all of them sounded like artwork coming from you. He opened the front cover, and you’d written something else on the inside. 

“In the words of the wonderful Peter Maximoff, ‘What’s the point of reading if you don’t get to share the love?’. This is me, sharing the love.” 

Carefully, Peter opened to a random page in the book. He saw the notes in the margins and the doodles and the exclamation points and before he knew it Peter was on the verge of tears. He was barely containing himself, and then he read a specific annotation you made. 

He had opened to the first page of “The Worm King’s Lullaby”, one of your all-time favorites. A specific line was underlined, one that Peter was all too familiar with: “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Beside it, you wrote:

“As much of a genius Mr. Siken is, I have to disagree with this. If you love someone enough, you’ll never leave them and they’ll never leave you. Even if they die, even if things don’t work out, you’ll always have a little part of them to carry with you. Carry this part of me with you, Peter. Not that I plan on leaving anytime soon.” 

That was it. The floodgates broke. Everything that Peter had held back came pouring out-- the past 10 minutes finally caught up with him, and they hit him like a bus. He sat in the corner of his bedroom, his knees pulled up to his chest so tightly he thought his legs would snap. Peter wanted to rip all his hair out or punch a hole in the wall or hold his head underwater until he was nothing but an obituary and a headstone. His chest burned and the pit of despair inside his chest had overtaken his system, and he hated himself with a burning passion. Why did he do that? Why did he do that? Why the fuck did he do that?

Peter Maximoff had his breakdown in solitude, revealing in the fact that he was, undeniably, the villain of his own life.

4.

As it turns out, ‘getting his shit together’ is much harder than Peter originally anticipated. He's trying, he really is, but it's hard. Especially without you there. Peter knows that he fucked up, and he knows that he needs to work for your forgiveness. And don’t worry, he’s going to work for it. 

It had only been a week, but the entire mansion could tell that something was off. Life just wasn’t the same without the randomized gusts of wind that would knock people off their feet; no one had been seriously injured or had something stolen from them. The whirlwind that was mansion life, while still chaotic, lost it’s fun. 

Charles tried to keep things running smoothly, but he was an old man and didn’t exactly understand you and Peter. People would knock on your door every now and then, but you didn’t answer. You were much too busy analyzing exactly how much of a bitch you were being-- realistically, the answer is 0%, but you didn’t see it that way. No, from your perspective, you saw Peter having a mental breakdown and you ditched him. Pretty shitty move.

What you didn’t realize was that Peter was doing the exact same thing, however, the blame falls mostly on his shoulders, and boy does he know it. He’s been scripting his grand apology, trying desperately to find the right words to express exactly how sorry he is. Peter was never very good with words-- it’s always too hard to know if you’re going to say the wrong thing and mess everything up. Although, it’s hard to see how the scenario could get any worse.

He made the executive decision to start with “I’m sorry”-- a solid start to any apology. Sure, he could stop there, but Peter realized that he’d probably need more to win back his partner. So, he managed to scribble down a few more lines on a tiny notecard he was supposed to use for studying. Oh, what a wondrous redemption arc this would be; Peter gets into a fight with his wonderful partner and ruins their relationship and then struggles to come up with a coherent apology. 

“I’m sorry about what I said, that was shitty. I shouldn’t have said that.” Peter’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration. God, he was going to die alone, wasn’t he? Maybe this is the cruel punishment the world is dealing to him, the universe is deciding that Peter’s redemption arc would be better if it, well, didn’t exist. Even so, he isn’t planning on giving up or giving in just yet. 

He scrapped what he had so far and started at the beginning once again. His 9th grade english teacher would tell him to write about what he knows, and though he doesn’t know much, he’s an expert when it comes to himself. Peter knows how he feels about you, he knows how sorry he is, and he knows that he really, really, really wants you to know that he didn’t mean a word he said about not wanting you. Peter knows about love, at least a little bit, and he realizes he’ll need more than just words.  

His mind drifts to that night, years ago, in front of the fireplace. He vividly remembers a tiger lily and a chameleon scribbled in the margins of your book. Realistically, Peter couldn’t get his hands on a chameleon, but a tiger lily was a different story. In high school, Peter took a botany course because he thought it’d be easy. It wasn’t, it was boring as all hell, but it seems like his slacking paid off. He knew tiger lilies were indigenous to Asia, but they’d become quite common along New England-area roadways. 

Peter grabbed his jacket and took off, tearing through the roads like his life depended on it. In less than 10 minutes, Peter found himself in the middle of New Hampshire drenched in rain. In hindsight, he probably should’ve checked the weather before leaving. Nevertheless, he takes off into the small wooded area that laid passed the road’s end. Dozens of mushrooms dotted the muddy ground and mossy rocks clouded his peripheral vision. The rain begins to lighten as he spots a bright orange tiger lily peeking through the remains of a tree stump. He sprints over to it.

The tiger lily is bloomed and beautiful and Peter can’t tear his eyes away from the wide array of speckles and splotches and color. It’s pristine, but some of the petals are torn or wilting. The roots stretch into the stump below it, and Peter leans closer. The stump is old and worn, fungi and bugs eat away at the base next to a large hole where a family of worms reside. The stump is ugly, sure, but it’s useful. It helps keep the bugs fed and keeps the worms warm. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but Peter is too distracted to find it. 

He gently picks the flower and spins on his heel, taking off once again. The rain makes it harder to run, but it’ll take a lot more than water to stop Peter. By the time Peter gets back to Xavier’s the flower is a little crushed, but it’s still somewhat pristine. 

He has the flower, he has the apology, and now all he needs is courage. Thankfully, that courage comes quickly as he instinctively knocks on your bedroom door. He probably should’ve stopped to collect himself, but he was riding a wave of adrenaline that wouldn’t come back. 

“Go away, Jean,” You called from inside. You sounded tired, and it made Peter sad. 

“It’s-- uh-- it’s not Jean,” Peter can hear your hesitant footsteps approaching the door, and suddenly the courage he managed to build up drained. His hands are shaking by the time you open the door. You look up at him, and Peter looks back at you, and suddenly everything is much harder to do. He looks down at his feet. 

“Hi.” Your voice is hoarse, but clear. 

“Hi.” Peter’s voice is uneven and quiet. You stand there in silence for a minute before Peter pipes up again.

“So, uh, you’re probably still mad at me and I get that, but I just want you to hear me out. I-If that’s okay,” You nod slowly, and Peter takes a deep breath. He thinks about the written apology that sat in his coat pocket, and he makes the last-minute decision to forget about it. He’ll speak from the heart, or, whatever people in rom-coms do. 

“I’m sorry. It was really shitty of me to get angry at you because you were worried about me-- although, I guess shitty is an understatement. Everything that I said about, yknow, not wanting you or Charles or anyone else around anymore wasn’t true. I need you guys, and I love you guys and it was unfair of me to push you away. Solitude really sucks. I guess I’m just not very good at navigating relationships,” He exhales, and his chest shudders. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I just thought I should make it clear how I feel.” It’s only then that he remembers about the tiger lily in his hand. “Oh, and this is for you.”

“A tiger lily?” you smiled softly. “These are my favorite-- how did you know?”

“I’m just observant, I guess. You usually draw them when you’re bored, I figured you’d like to see one in person,” You gently took the tiger lily in your hand. The silence that hung in the air was deafening, and Peter realized that was probably a bad sign. His chest drops just a bit, and he takes a small step backwards.

“I guess I should probably leave you alone--” Peter can’t get very far, because you immediately jump forward and wrap your arms around him. Eyes wide and heart pounding, you can feel Peter’s arms lock around your waist. 

“Thank you,” You whispered. “Please don’t go.” Peter was smiling so hard his cheeks ached, and a horrible weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The close-contact was refreshing; he didn’t realize how much he missed it until that moment. He was pretty sure he would never, ever let you go. Not again.

5.

To Peter Maximoff, physical affection has always been a touchy subject-- that is, until you came along. You proved to him that he deserved physical affection, that his mutation and his personality and weirdo quirks didn’t make him lesser or unlovable. Peter Maximoff deserved love, and you were the one who never failed to love him. 

You sat on a wooden chair in front of the fireplace, reading to the group of children sitting at your feet. The emotional lines of “Snow and Dirty Rain” fell from your lips, and with every turning syllable the small group would listen just a little bit closer. Peter did, too, desperately trying to hear every single word you said. Class was almost over, and once the students were dismissed you’d probably stop reading.

“I made this place for you. A place for you to love me. If this isn't a kingdom then I don't know what is,” Your eyes tore away from the page to look at the kids at your feet. They fell upon Peter, and a smile erupted on your face. 

Peter vaguely recalls the twisted idea of love that he held as a teenager. He thought love was a dragon to be defeated, a battle that could be won or lost. It’s clear now that love is the opposite-- it isn’t a fight or a battle or a thing to be conquered. It’s more like a flower; it needs to be cherished and cared for in order to grow. Sometimes the flower wilts and dies, and that’s natural, but sometimes the flower lasts for a lifetime. 

Love wasn’t a dragon or a knight, it didn’t have a hero or a villain; it was much more like a tiger lily and a tree stump.

[denkisdurag]

kirishima, kaminari, shinsou x reader - tiktok memes pt. two !!

warnings: swearing

a/n: i lowkey been on hiatus lmao my bad

i had fun with the first one so here is part dos :) it's kinda bad doe bc i'm getting back into the swing of writing again from the lil break i took 😔 and it's kinda shorter than the first one so sorry :/

it's literally 3:52 am rn pls

———

eijiro kirishima !

you to him - "what the hell we gon do.. now"

kirishima is a very chaotic person

a chaotic good of course

but a very chaotic person nonetheless

but sometimes he can get a lil destructive

the first time you said it was when y'all were hanging out and kiri accidentally knocked something over

of course, it broke

and you both stood in silence for a few seconds

staring at the floor where the shattered pieces lay

glanced at each other and then back at the floor

"..."

"..what the hell we gon do, now."

you laughed for a few before kiri was like "okay let's actually clean this up lmao"

him to you - "it's twindom! good vibes only!! super good vibes only."

this one is self explanatory

but lemme explain it to you anyway

kiri's energy is just so.. *mwah*

the good vibes he radiates are just so powerful

so he usually skips the twindom part

i mean unless he'd go out of his way to look like you which isn't beyond him but that's besides the point

but basically

if you're happy

"supa good vibes only!"

if you're sad

"come on, sweetheart, good vibes only."

he'll sit with you and quote memes until you crack a smile

and then he'll kith u

i love him

denki kaminari !

you to him - "cut the cameras.. deadass"

denki can be real sus sometimes ngl

he's a flirt

it's his nature

but when he gettin a lil tOO bold for your tastes

like he smacks your ass in the middle of class or something

"cut the cameras.. deadass"

and it's so funny to him bro bc we all know he's a tiktok and meme g o d

so he obviously understands your humor

thank god bc i don't wanna live in a world where denki uses 😂 unironically

but anyways

yeah

you don't get too flustered

but let my man denki pull some shit

finna send him to space

him to you - "wait, wait, wait, stop the muthafuckin music. you. are you dumb?"

yours and his kinda go hand in hand

we all have our dumbass moments

shit i had one like ten minutes ago

but you're fuckin DUMB

stoopid

like not to hurt your feelings but for real, you say some dumb shit sometimes

it's mostly because you're really sweet and, as a result, gullible and oblivious

and he wants you to be aware

but he doesn't wanna be a bully💔

so he gives you the cold hard facts through ✨ m e m e s ✨

it's his love language

so say that some dude was complimenting you and started to get closer and maybe a lil touchy

until denki pulled you away

bc who the FUCK is this guy

and you said some dumb shit like

"i thought he was just being nice"

denki stunts forward bc girl nICE ??

"wait, wait, wait.. stop the mothafuckin music. you. are you dumb?"

you laugh a lil but ultimately tilt your head bc "no i am a big brain?"

and he just super indirectly explains it to you

but you aren't fuckin stoopid for once and you actually pick up on his jealousy

so you just hug him

and hold his hands

and drag him to the couch for more hugs and kithes!! :D

i am a denki simp and i am legally obligated to give him a good ending in everything i write

period

hitoshi shinsou !

him to you - "but you did this.. for what?"

kinda like todoroki, he isn't a superior meme god

not like you 😌💅🏾

but fr

how the fuck are you two together

your energies are so different

i don't know how he keeps up with you

that being said

whenever you do something against him

whether you're irritatin or just too hyper for him to handle

he'll just sit there

waiting for you to calm down at least a lil bit

"...but you did this.. for what?"

of course you have to finish the quote bc who are you to deny a meme opportunity

"why not?"

he'll just tug your wrist to sit by him on the couch

or maybe to sit on his lap so he can wrap his arms around your waist and keep you from goin crazy again

but i mean

you get to be cuddled by shinsou

so i consider this a win

you to him - "no❤️"

ok bro i know what you're thinking

"bruh"

"how do you say the heart out loud,,,"

you ✨ s i n g ✨ it

whenever hitoshi asks you a question

may it be in relevance to your studies yeah bitch im looking at you go do ur fuckin online classes

or simply something wrong you did

you'll instinctively answer with a high pitched and sustained

"no~"

ok period hit them muhfuckin notes

he'll probably just shake his head and lazily offer to help you study

to which you respond with a "yeah❤️"

you quote all the sarcastic ✨💕🧚🏾‍♀️ comments tbh

———

@tsuyuisbaesblog

[fuwahiko]

NOT ME TAKING LITERAL DAYS TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH BACKSTORY I WANTED TO GIVE THIS AND ACCIDENTALLY CLOSING THE APP AND LOSING WHAT I HAD WHEN I WAS FINALLY GETTING SOMEWHERE I-

Im a disaster but i finally got my head on straight alright HERE'S SOME OUMOTA FOR YA

SO. The V3 kids have gone on the town to hang out. Why? They were sick of always going to Amami's house. They needed a change of scenery. What are they doing? Karaoke? Bowling? Who knows. But they're all making fun of each other.

Their collective love language towards each other is bullying.

At some point, a lot of people get hungry. Miu, for some ungodly reason, yells at Kokichi to go and order for them. And bring the food down when it's done. For some even ungodlier reason, Kokichi agrees. Without an argument. Not even an insult.

He does kiss Kaito while flipping everyone off before walking off, but now everyone's scared of what the gremlin's planning. Only Kaito's safe if Kokichi's got something planned. Boyfriend priveleges work...sometimes.

With Kokichi, he's waiting for everyone's food when someone shouts his name...or something close to it. Intrigued, he turns around and immediately tenses up. But only slightly.

It his ex-boyfriend. Kokichi never wanted to see this ex (who i call Fuckface McAsshole) again. It wasn't healthy, and when he tried to break it off, said ex lost it and dragged shit out for a week and a half. Kokichi was about to turn and rush towards Kaito and the others, because safety in numbers (plus Kaito could throw a mean punch), but the ex got there first. He had also accidentally left his phone on the table with the others.

There was no calling for help. Kokichi was stuck.

So he was forced to play the long game. He didn't wanna make a scene in such a public place. He let his ex talk and talk and talk while retaining none of what he was saying. When the ex noticed Kokichi wasn't listening, he commented. ("...why aren't you listening to me, Ko? Got somewhere better to be? With people that actually want you around? Fucking doubt it.")

When he hears that, Kokichi snaps. Not completely, but enough to get snappy

"Actually, my friends and boyfriend are waiting on their food. I'm here to get their food. And I can't hear the person calling out numbers because of your blabbering. So be quiet."

Kokichi knew he shouldn't have snapped. He knew as soon as his ex's eyes widened, then narrowed. He'd never admit it, but that look made him slightly nervous.

From there, everything escalates very quickly. Quicker than Kokichi anticipated. It's about to get real ugly in two seconds. And everyone's going to hear and stare at whatever's going to go down.

......soooooo now i hand it off to you. What exactly happens between Kokichi and his ex? How do the V3 kids find out about all this, and how do they react? How does Kokichi react after that fiasco? And what do they all (extra emphasis on Kaito bc Oumota) do to try and comfort and/or cheer up Kokichi after THAT?

(Did i listen to "Happier than Ever" by Billie Eilish when i thought of this...maybe i did and maybe i didn't. You can't prove anything.)

this is a really interesting scenario! kokichi feeling so backed up into a corner like that is certainly unusual, for one thing.

ok ok so I like the idea of like, kokichi trying to work on himself a lot. dude needs therapy. and in this au I can see it being the case that kokichi has been working through stuff a lot and has managed to become so close with everyone because of that - like I'm sure in a non despair au he wouldn't be quite so... ~the way that he is~ anyway, but he'd likely still have a lot of issues and struggle to get along with everyone at first, but then with some encouragement from someone he trusts and gets along with more (kaito? maybe someone else? maybe it's more of a slowburn with him getting closer to kaito?) he'd eventually start going to therapy and start slowly working on himself, as well as starting over with some people he maybe started off on the wrong foot with before. it might take some time, but eventually even the people that really didn't get along with him start to open up a little and try to understand him more, and he does the same for them. everyone sees how hard kokichi is trying, and he's really changing for the better, and that inspires them to work on themselves too and it brings everyone a lot closer.

so. when kokichi's ex shows up, it stirs all of this awfulness inside of him, all of this bitterness. it ends up starting to pull at the worst things within kokichi, trying to bring it all to the surface, and kokichi is trying his hardest to stop himself from saying something horrible, from making a scene, from making every stranger in the area turn to look at him with that look that makes him want to disappear. he's trying so hard not to fall back into old habits and old behaviours; he's been working so hard and finally things are looking up for once.

but then he slips up.

he knew he shouldn't have said anything, but his ex wasn't going to leave him alone anyway, and suppressing his own emotions was getting too difficult, so he had to do something. but now his ex was glaring at him even more than before, and kokichi could feel the rage radiating from him, and he immediately regretted ever opening his mouth. but he'd already come this far, and his ex had backed him so far into the corner that all kokichi could do was bite back just as hard.

kokichi's ex raised his voice, and it was like the floodgates had been opened. everything he was saying was blurring together into an endless string of sharp needles that pierced into kokichi, targeting all of his weak points, hurting him over and over, each needle piercing deeper than the last. kokichi snapped back, his own voice just as loud, throwing insult after insult and trying to dig up all that he could think of to hurt him back, trying to find just the right words to hurt his ex even deeper than he had hurt him, all the while a smirk spread across his face as kokichi pretended like he was enjoying himself, enjoying this conflict, but with every word he fired back he only felt more hatred towards himself. it was a form of self destruction, and now that he'd started hurting himself, kokichi didn't know how to stop.

just when kokichi felt like his own self hatred was going to swallow him whole, he half-registered footsteps growing louder just out of view. then, before he knew it, suddenly his ex was being lifted off the ground in front of him.

kokichi's eyes widened as he finally processed what he was looking at. it was kaito. kaito was here and he had grabbed the ex by his shirt and lifted him up, a furious expression spread across kaito's face.

"the fuck are you doing to kokichi?!" kaito practically roared as he held his free hand in a fist.

after maybe a brief moment of relief, kokichi felt fear and panic grab hold of him, and when he met eyes with kaito he seemed to immediately understand exactly what he was feeling.

kaito let go, letting kokichi's ex drop and stumble as he found his footing. "sorry. I wasn't gonna do anything, I didn't mean to scare you." kaito looked ashamed now, and he turned away from kokichi for a moment. kaito had been working on himself a lot too, specifically dealing with anger issues and his tendency to resort to violence when things got hard to deal with, and he'd been making a lot of progress. kaito knew he would've decked this guy if kokichi hadn't looked so upset, and he felt horrible about it. he felt awful that he was just reverting back to his usual ways, and he felt even more awful because he'd made kokichi feel worse, even if only for a second. he felt like such a disappointment. kokichi felt horrible too, and he felt like it was his own fault that kaito had gotten so worked up, that if he'd just dealt with his ex in another way then kaito never would've gotten dragged into this. kokichi had brought the worst out of himself, and now he felt he was doing the same to kaito, pulling him down with him.

just then, security showed up and asked them to leave. kokichi and kaito both had the thought of telling them that the ex was the problem and that they'd just been going about their day until he started shit, but neither of them said anything, just left without making any more fuss. they gave them their money back for the food at least, but now the whole thing had just been a waste.

when they grouped up with the others outside again, kaito holding kokichi's hand as they walked, everyone was chatting and laughing together as they had been doing all day, but they all quickly realised something was up as they saw how shaken kokichi looked and how kaito's face was scrunched up with frustration. of course they'd also seen that the two of them were empty handed, but that wasn't their main concern.

"guys? what's wrong?" kaede rushed over to see them, a look of worry spread across her face. kaito squeezed kokichi's hand a little tighter as he told them all what he'd walked in on. he decided to do the talking himself, knowing kokichi was struggling at the moment and not wanting him to have to explain everything on top of that. he didn't really know what had been happening exactly, but he'd gathered that this guy had been kokichi's ex, and he knew he'd started something with kokichi because he knew that kokichi would never start anything like that himself now.

maki suggested they all move to somewhere quieter, so they headed down a nearby street that lead to an open area with a park that was surrounded by a long wall that was low enough to sit on. kaito sat with kokichi on the wall, pulling him in close at his side and wrapping his arm around him firmly, reassuringly. kaede sat on kokichi's other side, speaking gently and offering to let him borrow her earphones to listen to some music to help him calm down. he refused, but he appreciated the thought. himiko sat on the grass at his feet in silence, but he knew her well enough now to know she was trying her best to support him, even if she didn't know what to say or do. shuichi and maki sat down beside kaito, who was calmer now, but concerned for kokichi and still upset with himself.

"it's all my fault..." kokichi mumbled sadly, his head resting against kaito and his hand clinging onto his shirt. "it's not your fault. he started it, didn't he?" kaito questioned, already knowing the answer. "not that. I mean... I got you involved." kaito ran the hand that was holding kokichi up and down gently along his arm to comfort him, his free hand reaching to stroke his hair. "don't worry about that, that's not your fault at all. I shouldn't have lost my cool. ...sorry again about startling you." kokichi shook his head. kaito felt kokichi's body start shaking, and he realised he was crying. "I'm the worst... I'm the worst, I'm the worst, I'm the worst." kokichi cried as he buried his face further and tried to hide away. "nothing's changed, I'm just as shitty and horrible and worthless as I always have been... I should've just... done things different... but I did the same as I always do..."

of course. kaito finally realised the real reason why he was so upset. sure he was upset over his ex showing up and the nasty things he'd been saying, but now that they were away from him he was more upset with himself than anything, because he'd worked so hard and he felt like none of that work had actually gotten him anywhere. he felt like change wasn't possible, because if he'd reacted that way then to him that surely meant that he was exactly the same as he'd always been, despite how much he'd tried.

"hey. that's not true and you know it." kaito was about to continue, but miu interrupted. "yep, that's bullshit. ha! if you think you're terrible, that guy sounds ten times worse! what a loser." gonta also spoke up, obviously very upset that anyone would raise their voice at his friend. "hmm... that not how gentleman should act. should be polite, even if ex doesn't like you."

"kokichi, we can all see how far you've come and how hard you've been working, so please don't beat yourself up over this one time. that guy is the one at fault, he put you in a difficult position, a really difficult position, and you wouldn't have reacted that way otherwise." kaede reassured him. "she's right, you wouldn't do that unless you felt you had no other choice." shuichi agreed as he handed kokichi some tissues. kokichi had calmed down somewhat, but he needed to get his emotions out still, so everyone waited patiently, offering words of support every so often, kaito still holding him and placing a few kisses on the top of his head, until kokichi stopped crying and pulled away, sitting up and drying his eyes.

angie jumped up off of the grass. "we should do something fun!" rantaro looked up at her from where he was sitting. "you mean like a distraction?" "nyahahaha! yes! doing something fun will help kokichi take his mind off things and feel better!" "do you have something in mind?" kiibo asked. angie thought about it for a moment. "hmm... nope!" rantaro sighed. "we shall just have to think of something, and we should also find somewhere else to eat as well." kirumi said as she stood up, dusting off the front and back of her dress.

ideas began getting thrown around and the atmosphere lightened up quickly - everyone chatting and suggesting fun things to do together, kokichi just quietly listening, but feeling a lot more comfortable again and appreciating his friends' efforts to cheer him up. it wasn't too long before kokichi was joining in, though, and everyone was relieved to see him slowly returning to his usual self; a bit immature, sometimes annoying, but funny, sweet, so full of life. kokichi was someone they'd all grown to love, no matter how things might have started out for some of them with him, and he wasn't at all who he thought he was when he was feeling down on himself. they hoped that one day kokichi would finally understand that.

[zephyr-paladyn]

masculaxi character analysis/appreciation

it's been over a year since gala masculaxi's release and i'm still not over it

(heavy dragalia lost spoilers ahead)

(gala mascula does not exist btw) i just love how mascula and laxi are designed as two parts of a whole, basically one half of the same ideal/same person. you can't have one without the other. if you heavily favor one over the other i dont trust you... only half joking. when laxi went berserk and mascula had to save her by giving her his heart in their debut ch11, that was just... such a moment... it shows them at their most "separate" (laxi in berserk/annihilation mode, and mascula stopping at nothing to disengage combat.) which sets us up for their development as two hearts in one body. in masculaxi (flame blade)'s story, they're still at odds but they begin to learn to cooperate in the same body, and this is the beginning of their "convergence." in ch14 of the main story is when we see the beginnings of eden mode. when all the androids sacrifice themselves for euden and co to advance, mascula realizes it his empathetic heart that influenced them and led them to their painful deaths. he then shuts down his ego circuit out of guilt. when the team is in a tight spot, and only masculaxi can save the day (since their body is unaffected due to the miasma only affecting organic lifeforms,) laxi goes into their heart to search for mascula and plead him to help her. all this time, laxi had envied mascula's heart for being "more human," but realized that maestro had written the fear of death in all of the android's hearts, and as such, laxi understood the weight of their yearning for peace, with the act of their self-sacrifice for euden. (later we do learn with gala masculaxi that mascula had been influencing laxi more. here we see laxi's influence on mascula to urge him to fight.) laxi gets mascula out of the gay baby jail zone, releases her limiters, and activates annihilation mode hastily. mascula then guides her attacks to the correct targets, which is the first instance we see of mascula engaging in any sort of fighting. in this state of laxi's annihilation mode combined with mascula's guided assault, a new mode beyond annihilation mode becomes available to them: eden mode, when their hearts become one. this mode concentrates all the mana around them inside their body's mana kiln, and gives them even more power. mascula still dislikes fighting and does not want to do it as much, but has a newfound conviction and will not run away when he is needed. an interesting line here is mascula saying this: ▷It's as if he knew our hearts would one day become one. But how...?◁ indicating that from the start, they were truly two halves of a whole ideal. shortly after the release of ch14, we get the release of the flame dagger gala masculaxi unit, which contains eden mode in their gameplay, and expands upon the "two hearts acting as one" deal they have going on. laxi, mascula, and luca head to the ruins of maestro's lab in order to gain more clues on how eden mode works. laxi equips a new armament meant to accommodate eden mode (and demands praise of how good she looks, lol. also laxi is much more snarky in this story which is a treat. she's so funny. but also this shows mascula's emotional influence on her!!!!!) laxi learns of how eden mode works, and essentially it's a release of all limiters and rerouting all circuits to their internal mana kiln, but elimination protocol is activated automatically as well which does not make any distinction between friend and foe. it enhances laxi's combat ability, but mascula has to take care of elimination protocol since he has access and control of it. hence, in eden mode, laxi goes all out in attacking, while mascula controls the body's movements and targets. however this is only possible if their hearts act as one. the two are attacked by dyrenell forces and activate eden mode against them, but mascula temporarily loses the will to fight in the middle of the battle, destabilizing and deactivating eden mode. luca is captured and a villager shields them from an oncoming attack, believing in mascula's peaceful ideals. laxi engages tactical retreat and they escape. they engage in a plan to save luca but are attacked by imperials again. they try to go into eden mode but mascula once again disengages eden mode. mascula tells laxi of his regrets and frustrations that he keeps holding her back, but laxi tells him that she found herself synchronizing with him. with the villager (that mascula had saved before and in turn protected masculaxi earlier,) laxi found the value in mercy for enemies. by having laxi bend towards mascula's will, they're able to take on the imperials who chased after them with a truly synchronized eden mode. ▷Laxi, give me the strength to fight!◁ Granted. Now give me the kindness required to temper my actions. ▷Heh. Take all you need!◁ their system strain falls, and they're able to defeat the imperials. laxi, mascula, luca, and euden talk together after all is done. laxi takes interest in a cat, while mascula teaches her how to interact with it. Euden: Laxi and Mascula say the maestro who made them was a peace-loving man, but... Luca: No, I getcha. Why would some peacenik give something THIS much power? ch14 and their gala story really shows how the two embodied different sides of the same ideal -- "fighting for peace," and how they begin to converge upon that ideal. initially laxi only focused on "fighting" and mascula only focused on "peace," but A compassionate heart. ▷The courage to fight.◁ -Eden Mode, activate!- their character development after this is a bit wonky at times because it sets up for gala mascula who is really poorly written and doesn't necessarily align with the ideals established within ch14 and gala masculaxi, or even the development directly before it either. with ageless artifice and ch18 (when the team first enters the faerie kingdom and gets lost,) we get teasers of mascula with his own body. in ageless artifice, eirene steals mascula's body and intends to use it against masculaxi, but mascula takes control of his body and proclaims that his body isn't necessarily him, but what IS him is his resolve to fight for peace alongside his friends. (stays in line with gala masculaxi, right?) in ch18 we also see mascula having a "nightmare/illusion" in which he gains his body back but at the cost of laxi going berserk once more, showing that they truly cannot function at their "fullest ideal" without each other in the same body. laxi asks mascula if he wants his own body back, and mascula says he sometimes misses it but overall he wants to continue fighting with her the way they are. this is echoed in ch19, take this exchange for example: Mascula, I know you were thinking of your own body while lost in the mountain's illusions. You gave up your body to save me, and I owe you an apology for that. ▷Don't apologize—I wanted to do it. Plus, being with you makes me happy.◁ I want to see a peaceful world just as we are in this body now—together. ▷I feel the exact same way.◁ ▷No more hesitation. You and I are going to fight with Maestro as a team.◁ And together... ▷...we will bring peace.◁ reaffirming their ideals together and keeping in line with their development, right? mascula doesn't WANT his own body back. he wants to keep fighting with laxi, that's THE WHOLE POINT OF THEIR CHARACTERS. which does not make sense when we get the remote control BS IN THE SAME CHAPTER??? (teased from the ending of ageless artifice with chelle) and mascula has his own body again as a remote control system. now the portrayal in the main story wasn't AS bad but... the real problem comes to gala mascula as an adventurer with his stories and voice lines. this "mascula" proclaims of how much he loves/misses his body and how he "doesn't need laxi dragging him around anymore." like sure he sometimes feels being in laxi's body with her is bothersome but overall, at his heart, he wouldn't really say something like that??? mascula your voice lines are so contradictory to what just happened in the main story and what you said in ageless artifice what happened!!!!!!! his adventurer story lacks the cooperative laxi-mascula dynamic we knew and loved, and instead pushes mascula front and center to try to push him to do things himself. we didn't really need mascula getting his own body back anyways, but you COULD'VE AT LEAST written it so that they have more emphasis on cooperation with each other?? god im sorry i just. AUGH he's so OBVIOUSLY hastily pushed into their development arc and he loses his characterization. it's obvious gala mascula wasn't intended to be a thing in the initial plan for masculaxi... i am not forgiving every single one of you who sent in feedback for playable mascula. once again only half joking... maybe only a quarter joking. 1/8ths joking. radioactive decay graph joking. (also just a tiny nitpick: you can apparently run gala mascula and laxi/gala laxi on the same team. lore compliancy who? eden mode can't be activated while the remote control unit is active. but whatever) though another interesting plot point is brought up in his story though? maestro's origins, the writing of "seek peace" on mascula and laxi's bodies being in a language that only the sky city ark people would know.. with such an elaborate plan for such a complex android duo, and everything else mysterious about this man, just who is he? his master plan of masculaxi was really amazing to see come to fruition... maestro fought on the side of dyrenell, against dragons -- against elysium you could say. although ex machina seeks the destruction of terrestrial life because they "allied with the dragons" (a misconception,) on the contrary maybe maestro aimed to create an ultimate weapon for terrestrials to defend themselves against the dragons. however this weapon had to also understand the value of what it was fighting for -- learning for itself how to go about "fighting for peace." thus, the creation of the twins mascula and laxi; two halves of a whole. by having a compassionate and adaptable heart, they can change with the times, understand the people around them, and decide on their own what the best course of action is in various situations. i love love LOVE masculaxi and how they're written!! (for the most part.) two of my faves in the game and i love them and their characterization so much, i just wish more people could see the intricacies of their relationship and how they're literally like. 1/2 of the same thing. it's such a beautifully written dynamic and development, and i want others to appreciate it too.

a little bonus, in this character art, you can see the "star tetrahedron" shapes. in sacred geometry symbolism, the "star tetrahedron" is the sixth shape enclosed within "metatron's cube." these shapes, and this cube, are said to maintain the balance of the world itself and its flows/processes. as for the "star tetrahedron" itself, it represents duality: physical body and spiritual self; male and female; and heaven and earth. this ties into mascula and laxi's characters: mascula controlling the "mind" in eden mode while laxi focuses on the attacking "body;" and mascula and laxi being of different genders. as for "heaven" and "earth," this could represent maestro coming from the sky city ark, and masculaxi being technology intended to aid humans. alternatively for "heaven" and "earth," the fact that the star tetrahedron is enclosed within "metatron's cube" may be a pointer to metatron in-universe. the archangels all have white hair, a trait shared by masculaxi. additionally, sandalphon is somewhat mechanical/technological herself. masculaxi being man-made (of the earth,) versus their potential connection to the angels (of the heavens.)

[elaineiswithyou-blog]

Hello! Sorry it took me so long to send this request I've been quite busy but may I please have a Arcana match-up please? Tysm in advance and have a great day/night!

Fandom: The Arcana

My age range: 15-16

Sexuality: Straight

Gender I.D: Female (she/her)

Likes: I was on a swim team for almost 9 years so I love swimming, 80's and 90's rock but mainly 90's grunge music, horror movies, writing, running, cooking, a little bit of baking, thunderstorms, rain, the smell of rain, cloudy days

Dislikes: Spiders...I have a phobia of them, closed spaces, fake people, sometimes people in general

Hobbies: Swimming, playing guitar, listening to music, binge watching shows and movies, going on walks

My personality: At first I'm very intimidating and scary looking due to my resting bitch face but I promise im very nice also....I'm tiny...idk why people find me so scary? When you get to know me I'm very goofy and about 99% of everything that comes out my mouth is sarcasm or some dry humor. I can be very self destructive, if I want something then I'll stop at nothing to get it even if it hurts me and sometimes others will have to step in to help me before I hurt myself from pushing myself too hard. I'm also very stubborn, hardheaded, feisty and determined. But I'm very outgoing, extroverted, and bold. I also tend to be a bit reckless and I have a very strong "I don't give a fuck" attitude!

Where I'm from: I was born in Florida in the town Tampa. Then I moved to Ohio for a couple of years when I was a baby and I'm now in North Carolina.

Favorite color: red, black, gold, burgundy, silver

Favorite animal: Lion or any type of cat

Favorite food: I love Steak or homemade Mac n cheese or basically any home-cooked meal

Pets: I have a cat, dog, 2 birds, and I'm getting a puppy soon

Mental illness: I don't really have any but I guess anxiety...if that counts I guess.

I don't have any physical disabilities

Siblings: I have a little brother and sister and a step brother but I never see him.

What my siblings are like: My younger sister is very cautious, and shy she basically thr complete opposite of me and my brother is a complete crackhead like he's crazy, he runs into walls, trips over stairs, and mother nature hates him....hes basically always hurting himself on accident some way or another.

I don't speak any foreign languages but....I know a little bit of sign language.

Dream job: honestly I have no idea l....I guess whatever happens.... happens idk yet though.

For the Arcana matchup, I’d pair you with Muriel. I feel like you two both enjoy very similar things but you are a bit more social and confident than Muriel. He loves to go on walks with you in the forest after it rains or sit by the window and listen to the rain with you during thunderstorms. Muriel loves cooking meat so the two of you enjoy steaks together often. And don’t worry about spiders, Muriel will always capture them and put them outside for you. Sometimes, when he is feeling a bit more confident around you, he’ll tease you about your height and considering he is 6’10, it makes you all the more smaller to him. He adores you though try not to be gone for too long or he’ll worry you forgot about him. You truly do bring out another side of Muriel that not a lot of people see. Good for you.

For the Overwatch matchup, I’d match you with Reaper/Gabriel Reyes. Gabriel matches your I don’t give a fuck vibe near damn perfectly. You two also have a similar taste in music, the music often makes him very nostalgic and maybe you’ll get to hear a story or two about his days as a teenager. Gabriel actually knows how to play guitar and if you are really close to him, which to be able to date him means you must be, he’ll sing you a love song in Spanish. Even if you don’t know what he is singing, his voice is deep and calming. Gabriel doesn't like storms as much as you but he does like it when he can cuddle up to you in bed while it pours. Gabriel is also 6’1 so he often teases you about your height or will put things on top of high shelves to watch you try and reach it. Gabriel often cooks dinner for you so you’re in luck if you ever want a homemade meal, especially something spicy.

[desticuleconfessions]

hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Ok, so I'm gonna start posting one-shots from my post putting others first one-shot book onto here. First, we have Trust In Me which is Roceit obviously.

Synopsis: It's been an entire week since the video and Roman hasn't come out of his room at all, not even to eat. After a discussion with Thomas and a heavy scolding from Remus, Janus realises that Roman has had a severe creative burn out.

Can Janus help Roman recover?

P.s This is based on my head cannon that Janus can force sides to sleep if they're not looking after themselves. I know in the video it saids denial but I think Janus's core functions are Deceit and Self Preservation especially because of the language he used during putting others first.

Tw: Self Harm, not looking after one's self and creative burnout.

It had been nearly over a week since the video and Roman had refused to let anyone in his room. After a talk with Virgil and Janus, they had both managed to make amends, Patton was so relieved. Thomas not only took time for himself but he talked with Virgil and reassured him that he trusted him. The youtuber also apologised to Logan for ignoring him and reassured him that he would listen to him more often. However, Thomas was overworking himself and began to sleep less. Everyone including Thomas thought Roman needed time to heal, boy they were wrong.

That brought Thomas to today, he was sleep-deprived and barely functioning. He knew that Janus would be the best one to call to help solve the problem due to him being the expert on self-care.

Janus sunk up in his new spot in the kitchen. He looked at Thomas with deep worry and concern.

"How can I help you, Thomas?!"

"I haven't been able to sleep, I took your advice but then I kept staying up later and later jotting down ideas."

"Ah, I see, Roman hasn't come out of his room since the video, he hasn't come down for meals. Every time Patton has left a plate outside Roman's door it has remained untouched. We haven't even been able to sink into Roman's room."

"Oh no that's bad!"

"Heck yeah and you deserve it, Roman's half of the imagination was on fire and I had to put it out all by myself."

"That kind of language won't help Thomas, Remus."

"You don't have the right to tell me what to do! Especially after you abandoned me and broke my brother."

"Re, he made fun of my name, he needed to know he was wrong. I was just trying to teach him."

"Don't you lie to me, you know your comeback broke him, in fact, it was worse. Look at Thomas and tell me that's a sign Thomas is ok."

"Your right, Thomas im going to use my powers on Roman. Lie down as you may begin to feel yourself drift off. Also, I advise you take a creative break as that will help Roman fully recover from whatever state he's gotten himself into."

"Thanks, Janus, make sure to send him to me when he feels better."

"Don't worry I will do, now do yourself a favour and sleep."

Thomas sunk into the covers and looked up to the sky before trying to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Janus and Remus sunk into the mindscape and hurried to Roman's Room. Remus tried the door nob but it was locked.

"Remus break down the door!"

"Yes sir!"

Remus summoned his morning star and began beating at the door till it was nothing but splinters. When the duo walked in they were absolutely heartbroken at the sight they saw. Roman was at his desk trying to come up with more ideas. The creative side, looked as thin as a twig, his prince costume was on the ground torn and he had bags underneath his eyes that could rival Virgil's eye shadow.

Roman hadn't even taken notice of the door being broken by Remus. His focus was purely on jotting down in his crimson red note book. Remus grabbed the torn up Prince costume.

"Remus go fix his costume, I can handle this!"

"J-J-Jay?"

"I'll take care of him, Remus."

"Thank you!"

Roman punched the desk in frustration, he was trying his hardest to help Thomas be productive and come up with good ideas. He couldn't remember the last time he slept or ate but he remembered that he needed to prove to Thomas that he was useful. He looked at his wrist and saw yet another bruise form on his already damaged body.

"Oh Roman, we've all been so worried, you haven't been eating any of the food Patton left outside of your door."

The creative side jumped at the sight of the snake. He was sure he had locked his door but when he saw the broken-down door he was highly confused. Roman looked at Janus with a cold expression.

"Roman, listen to me it's been over a week, Thomas is burned out for the constant input your giving. You need to rest, you've burnt yourself out."

"Why do you care snake, I'm the bad guy, I'm the one hurting Thomas and why did the others send you I thought they wanted me to be useful for Thomas and not hurt him."

"Roman, you're not hurting Thomas, you're hurting yourself, why can't you see that?"

"Because I'm always wrong, maybe we should go to the callback wrong, you're the bad guy wrong. Every time I share my ideas I'm wrong. It was wrong for me to make fun of your name it's actually gorgeous and suits you it's just I thought it was what the others wanted but clearly as always I was wrong."

"Oh Roman, how did we let you fall so far? I shouldn't have reacted the way I did you and Remus are not evil or similar your just both opposites and that's amazing. We all love you, Roman, when I nodded I was trying to reassure you that Thomas was telling the truth. You do so much for us."

"I-I how can I trust you, the others told me you were trying to manipulate me?!"

"I apologise for my behaviour I should have never targeted your self-esteem the way I did."

"It's ok it's my fault I should have been better but you see locked away I can be."

"No this is unhealthy behaviour, you're destroying yourself."

"I'll do- hey put me down!"

"Roman you need to rest!"

Janus gently placed Roman down on his King-sized bed. He closed his eyes focusing all of his energy on using his powers.

"N-no, need to help T-"

"Roman look at me you need to rest, you've gotten yourself severely ill."

"Jan-"

"Shhhh, Roman you need to rest."

"J-"

"It's ok, I'm right here, now sleep."

Janus gently stroked Roman's hair as his powers began to take effect. He continued to soothe the worn-out creative side.

"Don't fight it you need to rest."

"Janus how a-"

"Sleep."

Roman wanted to fight it to stay awake but for the first time in weeks, he felt so relaxed. The creative side drifted off into unconsciousness. Janus tucked Roman in and gently kissed him on the cheek. He then grabbed the thermometer and checked the temperature of the creative side. Janus gasped out how hot Roman was, this indeed was a severe burnout and it would take at least a few weeks to nurse Roman back to help. Guilt struck his heart if only they'd bothered to barge into Roman's room after the video, then this wouldn't have happened.

"Rest well, my love."

Roman groaned in pain, he felt as hot as lava. Everything was blurry and the only thing he could make out was a blur of dark blue and black.

"L-Logan?"

"It's alright Janus is in the kitchen, he told me what happened."

"I'm so-"

"I don't want to hear it Roman, I understand what it's like to feel like your not listened too. I forgive you, now drink up if you weren't a figment of Thomas we would have lost you by now."

"Pft thanks teach."

Roman accepted the cup of water and gulped it down as slowly as he could. His hand shook violently trying to hand the cup back to Logan.

The next time Roman, awoke was when he felt his mouth tingle. He adjusted to his surroundings releasing that he was still sick. The creative side gasped in shock weakly, when he saw the tall figure of his brother towering over him.

"You're an idiot you know that righty."

"Right, where's Jan?"

"In the kitchen again, he thinks some sweet things will help. Sorry, it's just I was so worried especially when we broke into your room."

"I understand, Rem I-"

"I know but promise me you'll stop this self-destructive, behaviour."

"I-I can't promise but I'll try my very best."

"Good Ro-bro, now open wide you need to take some medicine."

Roman's tongue tingled in delight feeling the strawberry flavoured liquid go down. He eventually once again felt drowsy and drifted off back to sleep.

Once again Roman awoke but this time he could hear soft Disney Music echoing across the room. He blinked and saw a soft blur of black and purple.

"Ha knew that would wake you up, princey."

"Virgil?!"

"Before you start questioning your brothers with Janus making share the snake gets some rest. He's never left your side you know, for hours he would only leave to cook you food."

"I-I didn't think-"

"Of course you thought that, oh how I wished me and Patton were less hard on you during the courtroom. We should have realised that you're just a fragile little butterfly sooner."

"Why am I a butterfly?"

"Because butterflies are so beautiful and graceful."

"Im not beautiful a-"

"Roman Creativity Sanders, I will not sit here and watch you talk bad about yourself. You matter and you are so important, if it wasn't for you Thomas wouldn't be where he is today if it wasn't for you Thomas wouldn't have a fan base that adore and idolise him. You're the one who tries to make Logan loosen up, you're the one who makes sure Patton is happy and you reassure me that Thomas is safe to take risks. You make us better!"

"I-I-"

"Well, it seems I've left you speechless, this is not your fault Roman, we're your fam-ILY we should have noticed that we were hurting you."

"Sor-"

"Not everything is on you Roman, you always try to be better, you tried to be nicer to me but I didn't do that in return."

"Um thanks, I guess."

"Here Patton made you some healing soup."

Roman carefully chugged down the soup, his hands still felt extremely achy. The next time he woke up to someone other than Janus was when he felt water trickling down his forehead. Roman looked up to see a familiar light blue and grey blur towering over him.

"Shh it's only me kiddo, how are you feeling?"

"Boiling."

"Your fevers died down, thanks to Thomas taking a creative break."

"He really did that for me?"

"Of course Kiddo, we've all been trying to help you recover especially Janus. In fact, he's talking with Thomas right now."

"I-I thought you all hated me, I thought everything I did wasn't good enough."

"Don't ever say that again I really do mean it kiddo we love ya. From now on I'm gonna show how much we care. I see it now that I wasn't just hurting Thomas with my strictness it hurt you too and for that I'm sorry. You're allowed to be flawed."

"Thanks, padre it-it um means alot to me."

"Now here you're still sick so you still need to take your medicine."

It took approximately four weeks for Roman to heal from his drastic creative burnout. The side crawled out of bed and changed into his black undergarments. He still didn't quite feel worthy of his Prince costume but he still felt ready to confront his others. As soon as he opened the door he was greeted by Janus who looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"R-Roman, you've fully recovered."

"Yeah, mainly thanks to you, why didn't you tell us your other main functions were denial and self-preservation."

"Only Virgil and Remus knew of my functions and powers. I just knew that you guys wouldn't believe me."

"Well, I'm very grateful you stayed by my side."

"Ah, it was nothing but seriously both you and Thomas need to learn that selfishness can be good sometimes."

"I remember me, telling you I went against you to please the others and that still stands. You were right from the beginning and I should have realised you were trying to tell me that giving up the call back to please the others was not ok."

"I'm glad you've learned and I promise you if you lie about how your feeling I'll call you out on it."

"Thank you, Janus."

"My pleasure Roman, I did promise to send you to Thomas as soon as you'd recovered but I'm sure your starving, Patton cooked your favourite."

"Mmmm lasagne."

"Bon appetite."

After that horrible burnout, Roman never ever bottled up his feelings, he even got to share his room with Remus. Thomas got another callback and he made sure this time that he compromised with his friends. It took a while but a lot of the fanders began to understand Roman's importance and problems as well. Roman stans were no longer the rarity.

The End