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bedtimebrain · 4 years ago

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EXO KAI: Detective Gone Wrong P2

Characters: JonginxYou

You came to know Jongin by accident, but have no clue he’s EXO’s Kai. And when you found out....

Part 1 Part 3

Your text messages with Jongki didn’t just stop there after that night. You guys texted frequently, on and off work. Though neither of you always replied instantly, the conversation kept going.

Jongki seems to have really long working hours occasionally. You were still not sure what kind of job he does, he seems to be doing a variety of things during his working hours, and even travels around sometimes.

You came to a weak conclusion that he might be a fitness trainer for those rich family wives, which explains why he would need to go to the gym during his working hours and his nice body. You decided to tell him you wild Guess tonight when you go over.

‘Jongki oppa!’ You knocked on his door and shouted excitedly.

‘annyeong Y/N!’

‘I came with food bribes to use your TV! Ginseng chicken soup!’ You presented the thermal pot to him at the door removed your shoes

‘Anyway it’s meant for you, i already ate some at home before coming over. I mean it’s almost 9pm, I’m sorry I couldn’t wait to eat w you’ you added

‘Gumawo, this food bribe is more than what I expected, haha. I’m gna eat on the dining table, just use the TV’

‘Woohoo!’ You cheered and speeded over to his sofa and switched on his TV while he set his dining table.

‘Oppa! You have Netflix? I’m gna use it ok!’

Seeing how excited you are he couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Omo 100 days my prince. My friend loves this show, she say loves the male lead! Oppa did u watch this?? Or are u not into dramas?’ You turned your head back to ask jongki who was eating at the dining table

‘100 days my prince ?! Wow, I guess it’s really popular among the females. No I didn’t watch the full thing, just here and there.’

You loudly declared you were going to watch it, and toggled to watch the first episode. But you were hooked. You couldn’t stop at the first episode, by the time you were done with the second it was already past 12.

Nicely, jongki also came out from the shower as your episode ended. Saying your byes and your goodnights, you thanked him for hosting and he thanked you back for the food. You headed home, it was a good night indeed!

—

Again in that week, you both decided to meet for supper. Over supper you asked

‘Oppa I wanted to ask you previously but I forgot, are you a fitness trainer for rich people? You have such a nice body and you earn so much and you have not so regular working hours. I’ve been thinking about it..’

‘No I’m not! Why are you always coming up with strange conclusions, hahah. I’m pretty sure I don’t sound like a fitness trainer right, I told you I just came from a show’ he said as he stuffed the ssambap into his mouth

‘Right , I thought so too. Are you a model then? I’m sorry but I know you have abs’ you said it with your mouth full and sent a wink to him, making him laugh

‘How would you know I have abs! I’m not a model but you’re close hahaha’

‘Ok, I’ll continue thinking about it then, haha’

—-

‘Oppa, don’t you think the male lead is really charming? I found out his name, he’s do kyungsoo from EXO!!’ You kept your eyes on the screen , oblivious to the questioning look jongki had on his face.

Tonight, you were at Jongki’s place after work again, to catch up on 100 days my prince since he was home.

The past few times you watched, he never sat down with you as he was always busy with chores. But today he decided to, and he was starting to irritate you when he kept cracking up once in a while.

‘Oppa what’s so funny? You’re so annoying!’You threw a cushion at him , but he caught it and stuck his tongue out at you

At the end of the episode, Jongki quickly took the remote on the table.

‘I’m deciding what to watch next!’ He gloated

But the previous episode ended on a cliff hanger! You weren’t going to let him have it. You attempted to snatch the remote from him and you both ended up in a chase around the house.

Obviously you weren’t going to win against the owner, giving up, you both sat back down on the sofa, panting and dying of laughter. Looking up at the TV screen, it was now on YouTube. You guys must have accidentally switched the screen while fooling around.

His YouTube homepage were all EXO Kai dance videos. Not that you know exactly who that is but you heard about him.

‘Ohhhh opppaaaaa you’re an EXO fan? You like EXO Kai~’ you raised your brows at him and said it in a teasing tone

But he started kneeling over in laughter. You didn’t get what’s so funny though, but anyway you continued asking

‘Oppa can you dance ? Im sure you like dancing right? Show me please !!!!’

Recovering from his fits of laugh, he looked straight at you

‘You really wanna see?’

‘YES!!’ You shouted like a fangirl.

He connected his phone to his speaker and started playing some pop song that was totally not your style. It went something like ‘don’t mess up my tempo~~’. Though the song wasn’t really blessing your ears but jongki’s dancing was absolutely world class in your opinion.

You didn’t know much about dancing. But damn, anyone would know he’s a good dancer. Though he was just dancing for fun, just for you, he bothered with his facial expressions, giving life to his dance. You felt your heart started thumping, as you realise how attractive jongki was in this moment.

When it came to an end, you did a standing ovation just for him and cheered.

‘You’re hella hot, I’m serious.’ You raised a thumbs up at him and he got a little shy at your honest compliments

‘How are you not attached if you’re so eligible though. How do girls around you not fall for you?’

Seeming not too sure how to answer your question, he started

‘Uhm, actually I’ve been in and out of relationships. But I guess they dont really last because of the nature of my job? And some other reasons I guess’

‘Are you a back up dancer ? That’s why? I mean it can be little hard if you’re always dancing with hot girls or something’ you replied thoughtfully

‘About love, I’m fine, fate will come. But Y/N, I look like a back up dancer to you?’ He was all serious as he asked, and you were a little shocked

Teasing him, you replied ‘you’re the main dancer in my heart’ and you showed him a heart sign. His expression softened, showing that ‘I’m so done with you’ face

‘Oppa I know you’re done with my nonsense for tonight, and I’m not going to watch your Kai dancing videos, you can slowly watch them when I’m home sleeping. Bye~ see you soon’ you picked up your belongings and gave him a side hug as you said your goodbyes.

—-

‘Y/N ah, let’s watch a horror movie tonight.’

Tonight you both were having supper take out at his place, since it was too cold to go outside. By the time the food arrived it was already late, but you didn’t mind since you had an off the next day.

‘But I really can’t , I’ll have indigestion’ you pouted

Not really taking your aegyo jongki insisted ‘I’m sorry , we are watching it. At most we finish our supper first’

And he was smug about it, especially when you kept whining after.

‘Oppa, I’m warning you. I might scream, cry, bite you or tear your clothes apart because I’m a scaredy cat. Don’t regret your decision’ you warned him just before he offed the lights

The movie barely started but you were already feeling scared. You moved closer to him and hugged the cushions tightly. At every scary part you looked away and leaned closer to jongki without thinking.

Omg omg, the jump scare is coming!

You quickly shut your eyes as the story progressed to it’s main crux.

‘YOUR SOULS SHALL BE MINE’

The boom of the zombie’s voice sent you in a scream and you jumped onto jongki. You hugged him tightly and burst into tears, you were scared out of your life.Of course, this got jongki cracking up instead.

‘It’s just a movie , don’t be scared’ He put his arms around and gave your shoulders a rub.

After you calmed down a little, you attempted to sit up and recover the distance between the both of you. But suddenly there were flashes of light from the TV. And you headed right for Jongki’s chest, grasping him tightly.

‘I DONT WANNA WATCH ANYMORE’ you yelled and sobbed hard

Seeing how you were really in a bad state, jongki gave in and stopped the movie.

‘Y/N I’ll go on the light, ok?’ He tried to free himself from your hold but you weren’t letting him go, you were scared and when you were scared you were clingy like a child. Getting the hint, he stayed beside you and let you cry your fears out. Feeling a little bad about this, he apologised softly ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know you hated it so much’

‘I definitely won’t be able to sleep tonight. You jerk’ you threw a punch on his chest and said in between hitches of breaths, not really calm yet.

He tucked your head under his chin and pat you lightly, hoping to comfort you the best he could. Your eyes started to feel swollen and heavy from all the crying, together with his rhythmic pats, it all produced a hypnotic effect on you. Without even knowing, you drifted off to sleep.

You had no idea how long you were asleep for before you woke up to see jongki laying you down on the bed.

He turned around ready to leave but you reached out for his hand before he walked far. You could feel him gently trying to remove himself from your hold but you subconsciously asked

‘can you stay for a while?’

He lightly tapped your hand, and you let go of it. The next thing you feel was the bed dipping down on the other side.

Opening your eyes, you saw jongki sitting up beside you then you safely drifted off to sleep again.

It was already morning when you woke again, checking your watch it was 6.30am. Still sitting up, jongki had fallen asleep. You laughed a little seeing him like this, but at the same time feeling a little bad and guilty. You slowly got out of the bed and went over to the side where jongki was, wanting to adjust his sleeping posture without waking him up.

You put one hand over his torso and one hand behind his head, wanting to gently adjust him. But you were only able to move him slightly before you got stuck in a really awkward position. You managed to get half of his torso lying on the bed, but your hand was now stuck under it.

You tried pulling your hand out as lightly as you could, but you the awkward position you were in was not really holding you up well, and you were losing your balance. You quickly grabbed the bed frame and steadied yourself, but seeing jongki’s sleeping face so close made you forget about the task at hand. You leaned in to take a closer look, and the more you looked, you don’t know why there was this overwhelming desire to kiss him. Without thinking, you quickly gave him a peck.

It was as if he felt your kiss or something because he suddenly turned over to his side making you fall onto him. You let out a Yelp in shock.

He opened his eyes and murmured ‘What are doing?’ You were in such an awkward position you couldn’t even think of a good answer. But he didn’t wait either, he just continued saying

‘Just sleep, it’s still early’ and pulled you right back into bed instead, this time locking you in his arms as he closed his eyes.

You were utterly confused at what had just happened and there’s no way you could be sleeping with your heart almost exploding in your chest. You tried to wriggle out of his hold, but it wasn’t much use. So instead, you forced yourself to take deep breaths in and out and the next thing you know, you were woken up by the jarring alarm.

You thought jongki would be shock to wake up next to you, but you were totally wrong. He seem to be very much clear that he had you sleep right next to him. Turning off the alarm, he turned to face you and tucked your hair behind your ears. Catching you off guard like this, you jerked your head backwards.

‘What are you doing?’ You asked and sat up, wide awake now.

‘Didnt you kiss me last night?’ He looked at you straight in your eye, and tried to control his smirk.

Realising you fell into your own pothole, you immediately tried to escape. Jumping out of bed and out of the room. You went straight for the washroom and tidied up yourself as fast as you could. Grabbing your coat and your belongings you stood by the door all ready to leave. Only that you needed Jongki’s fingerprint .

After about 5 minutes had passed as you waited nervously, he finally came walking through to the living room with his mad scientist hair.

‘What’s up with you ? You literally transformed in 5 minutes’ he joked

What in the world was he thinking? Is he playing with you or what? What’s all his actions suppose to mean?

You had this inner thoughts but did you really wanna know the answer to these?

Okay, yes you wanted to. But do you dare to ask?

No you didn’t. So you could only suck it up like a loser and be confused and embarrassed all by yourself.

He took a step closer to you but you massively overreacted and almost fell backwards. But all he wanted was to reach across you to open the door.

Seeing how flustered you looked, he took the chance to tease you. Keeping his hand on the handle, he stepped closer to you and you moved back. Just like in the movies, his head kept moving towards you until you hit the wall. You shut your eyes and scrunched your face

‘What do you want!!!’ You pushed him away and yelled

You didn’t realise you have been holding your breath all this while. Jongki on the other hand seem to be having fun with this. But you were trying your best to look serious and firm about this.

He didn’t reply, but simply opened the door instead. You stepped out right away the minute he opened it.

‘Okay bye’ giving him a panicky goodbye wanting to run away already. But he called you

‘Y/N! Look behind you!’ And he pointed to behind you

You quickly turned but there wasn’t anything. What the hell ?

Turning back, you came face to face with him instead and he gave you a kiss on your lips.

‘Okay you can leave now, bye bye! See you soon!’

What just happened? You have no idea what just happened.

Your mind was blank. Really blank, as blank than an empty canvas.

And your heart was beating erratically as you walked away in a daze.

Kim Jongki.... am i falling for you? are you falling for me? ------------

Decided to split another part out so i don’t have to rush the ending. The story hasn’t exactly hit the climax yet? Let’s see how it turns out!

Edit: Part 3

#jongin #kim jongin #exo #exo kai #exo scenario #exo scenarios #kai scenarios #kai scenario #jongin scenario #jongin scenarios #exo fanfic #kai fanfic #jongin fanfic #kim kai #exo comeback #nini #kai x Gucci

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monchesi · 4 years ago

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jim is back w another one...... same goes same goes fr this special liddol muse o mine here... like if u wld like to plot or simply msg me on discord (jimb#4863) n we will get it poppin (pinterest) also frgive me this is gna be more of a blurb type intro than anything i cnt focus atm bt im trying to get something out there in a timely manner

* amanda campana, nonbinary + she/they | you know monserrat marchesi, right? they’re twenty, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to underneath it all by no doubt like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole drunk walk home, low rise jeans, pounding headache that starts to feel good once you get used to it thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 11th, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

mon has been alone fr as far back as she can remember (bt thts questionable now considering her memory has been gnawed down to the marrow by extensive and continuous use of ecstasy)

(tw abuse) wht she can briefly recollect is tht shes been on the streets since she was 16 n life before tht was desolate n sad. other than tht vague recap.... shes wiped her mind of being physically n verbally abused by her stepdad in a teeny tiny apartment in florida fr several yrs (since she was an infant) n all throughout it was never defended by her mom. in fact in her preteens her mom decided to jump in on it out of a warped jealousy she developed over the years in which she felt her husband was paying more attention to treating her daughter like garbage instead of her so she jst.... began including herself in the mistreatment mon was getting n basically verbally harassing her every day after school....... it worked in terms of forming a bond between her parents in a sick n worrying way bt was so so so crippling n horrible to mon

so wht really matters is whts in the present. dont even think abt learning much of her backstory because she cant recall any of her childhood except for those small granules tht lead to nowhere / provide no better understanding of who she is today n just send her spiraling since none of it makes any sense anymore. i think the one moment she will never b able to erase frm her mind however is when he (stepdad) smashed his cigarette into her mac n cheese n told her to eat it. she just sat and stared at it and cried

(tw homelessness) mon doesnt even remember running away. she mightve been dropped off fr all she knows.... cant pin any of her memories of going to school as a kid down even..... has kind of been an unidentifiable blip on the map since becoming homeless

tht being said... without a parent or guardian shes been fending fr herself n was a street rat fr such a long time. doesnt hav a drivers license or a ssn or even any form of ID. no credit card or debit card. knows her name n date of birth n buys flip phones frm the grocery store to keep in contact w people xx pays in all cash n coins xoxo

jump to now.... mon is technically homeless bt is content. lives on the beach n is more than happy with it. sometimes just sleeps on the sand bt has a trailer parked underneath a dock thts been getting threatened to be removed fr months now (she dsnt care). its decorated with all types of lights that shes found thrown out or at the thrift store n it glows so bright u can see the neon colors thru the boards of the dock above it. has lawn chairs in frnt of the door n a big cartoonish padlock on the door. she wears the key arnd her neck

(tw affair mention) personality wise shes vry naive n playful. part of this is the E bt a lot of it is wanting to feel like life is worth living even in the rough parts — shes found tht tht aspect of her can also be misconstrued as carefree n has gotten mingled with a handful (or three) of men tht take advantage of her untroubled nature to forget all of their responsibilities. at the moment she has an ongoing affair w a married man named hank who helps her stay on her feet by giving her money every month or two in an envelope with a big wax stamp on it. its nothing major bt it helps

(tw sexual content + drug use) mon kind of has a reputation bt i dont think shes aware of it. im sure a lot of locals bully her or pick on her fr it behind her back.... they kind of mistake her for a bit of a nymphomaniac bt she doesnt consider it tht way at all. things jst spun out of control the more n more she was using E (and other similar drugs) to get by n now being reliant on it she just gives in to urges n will sleep w just abt anyone. it turns out fine most of the time bt sometimes she just crashes on the way to their place n becomes this vacant girl tht doesnt speak or do much of anything. in one of these instances she n some dude were abt to hookup bt she crashed on the way to his apartment n he pulled ovr n pushed her out of the passengers seat onto the sidewalk. she jst laid there until the morning w her heels kicked off n scrapes all over her elbows n knees

so shes known fr many of these instances.... security guards finding her sprawled out on the asphalt of a parking lot or at the bottom of a staircase of a motel she doesnt know. its rly depressing

ANYWAY........ moving on from this sad sad sad stuff.... mon is notably a lovebug shes vry sweet n kind n she works shifts at fannies every two weeks or so / whenever ppl call out. she loves ppl she loves partying n dancing n she is fun. has no defined sexuality n questions gender a lot so considers herself nonbinary bt uses she/her/they/them. a bit odd and kind of unaware of wht is appropriate n what isnt (several instances of wearing bikinis n a pair of sneakers to shop for a loaf of bread n some lemonade) bt she means well

has a black kitten named shanks tht she litchrally considers her child. takes better care of him than she takes of herself n brings him places cradled in her arms like a baby

anywho..... i rly recommend checking out mons pinterest tht i linked up there i feel like mayb having visuals of the vibe will help piece together her personality xoxoxo

anyway..... give me ALL the plots ANY plot u cld ever want i will hand to u in a matter of seconds the writing will just manifest at my will..... i still have a lot of things to figure out with mon bt i love her n i hope u all will too

#irvingintro #ok let me know if i missed one....#posts this even tho there are bound to be typos n this is honestly a mess....#dnt look at me....#drug use tw #drugs tw #physical abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #homelessness tw #drug addiction tw #affair tw #memory loss tw

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maladaptah · 3 years ago

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Im so close to being done w this random deer…… :D……. Like done in one day level of ready! Which makes me super happy cause i now know it’s possible for me to be able to make art good enough to post much faster and Ok so I know I said I was going to finish that orange dog and I did think about and plan to I just woke up this morning and wanted to like practice with something quick as a warm up because I know from experience that I do my best work when I’m just coming down from the high of a quick mindless drawing that actually ended up turning out really cute, like I just knew that it would give me heaps of art energy. So to start the day off on the right foot you know- I was like oh I just need to crank soemthing out that’s easy and cute and I really REALLY liked that monkey I posted a couple of days ago which was exactly what I needed… an accidental warm up that turned out cute and took under 30mins …. So I thought id do something similar today! The monkey was basically just sketching over a random thumbnail concept painting of a design I didn’t care abt and haphazardly coloring it so I went and found another shitty concept painting of something to line over

Butttttt what was originally supposed to be a simple cleanup of an existing meh design turned into a - oh I’ll just slightly- update the color pallete a little bit and then just some small slight little changes to the silhouette and then before I knew it I was on yet another Pinterest image collecting tangent completely revamping the entire design and relearning how to draw a new species….. just….yeah… basically I chewed through all my best working hours today so i only have a good 2hrs left of drawing energy before I start becoming too tired to make good art but too unwilling to go yet another day without finishing that FAKCING orange dog so I stress stay up and tell myself I’ll have a short break to unwind and then the short break becomes a fixation on some new tv series or YouTube genre and I watch videos for 10hrs and then it’s the next day and I’ve been awake for 25hrs and no longer live in my countries Timezone and then oh it’s okay I’ll just pull an all nighter to remix it so I try to stay up the entire day as well but I get tired at the 30hr mark and fall asleep at an even more awkward time and then I remember just as I’m drifting off that oh shit my aunties coming over so I stress half awake half asleep nap for 2hrs where I stress wake up every 10 minutes ruining my rem because I think every little noise is my auntie at the door. And then it’s day 365 of not finishing that orange dog and being awake 20hrs and just ….. wish I had adhd medication or like cognitive therapy or somehting…my sleep health has been fucked my whole life like… doesn’t that shit shave years off ur life… and like gives u pimples and like this FUCKINF orange dog

But yah anyways I’m nearly done w this random deer woohooooooo😆😆😆😆 it’s gna be dressed like 70s Austin power flamboyant he/him kinda vibes! I cbf cleaning up the clothed version rn cos Ik that will shave another 10 years off of my life span so its just like normal water deer coloring dont have ur hopes too high oh and….. I’m not like 100% in love with the fur patterning but yk it was SUPPOSED to be something easy and I need to just let it be and I already decided the jacket and glasses save it okay just trust me….. like it’s cute w clothes …… I promise …. it really solves the color blocking issues and like most furries are clothed anyway?? Right so it doesn’t matter and it was supposed to be easy and ugly not my magnum opus and the coloring and anatomy isn’t too bad so it’s fine and like and and such as and therefore !!!!!!

#note to self #art insanity

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jrbalufbfnzl · 4 years ago

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I slept late yesterday n woke up at 9h30 bc my mom ws spamming my phone. I have to text wishes for my fam bc their granddad died and go to the pharmacy. Slept from 1 till almost 10 and didnt feel tired when i woke up. Ill try n b productive today im gna take my pills n walk the dogs. I also have to finish mty sisters drawing n listen to all her memos

I need to cut my hair i cannot stand the sensation

Thinking about having more tats n being anxious bout it for some reason

Ill try to be strong n turn away from food and hopefully as well ill be able to exercise but no food at ALL today sounds grear to me but no pills and no sleeping all day bc it ruins the mood

Didnt wake n bake but didnt meditate, im lazy to meditate thismorn. Been hanging on my phone for a lil more than an hour so ill just go out n do my stuff now

My dogs off her medication today i hope shell getbetter i cannot deal w the stress of her having a chronical serous disease.

I scratched my ears until they bled n couldnt hezr well yesterday

UPDATE : i managed to walk yhe first dog and fed both of em. Im waiting for my pills to kick to walk the second one. It was a struggle to get something non triggering to eat and im trying to wait as much as possible to eat. Days are fucking short anyways and ill xhabge my password and lockdown uvereats to not order some tonight maybe. Ill try and sleep early and stay strong and also get ready to see peeps and maybe feel a lil bit better but also i wanna stay alone. I cried a bit bc im ashamed to be so paralysed at 25 time is running fast and hezlth as well and the fall could be terrible idk. I felt anxious to walk both of the dogs at the same time or evenbto vring them to the parc or go to the pharmacy even tho its 5mins away n its kind of a nice walk. My stomach and intestine hurts tho. I hope ill manage to go to the pharmacy n exercise today n shave my hair n meditate and finish my sisters drzwing. Its not that much

UPDATE 2 : its 30 to 7 and i managed to cut my hair and walk the two dogs once. I feel zncious about walking them a second time but ill make it feed them then take them out.

My best friend made a post sayin that knowing otger people dezl w the same stuff as her is rezsuring so i ferl less guilty of "making it about me all the time" bc thats rly not what im trying to do and my bf told me i wzs incapable of listening so i guesd it fucked up my self apreciation.

Sometimes i feel like my bf is the only thing in his world and i also feel like its giod for him but at the same time i feel like im wrong znd im the one taking toi mych space. I have 0 sense of whats real and whats not and as soin as im thinkin ab smth that is not invalidating to me i kind of gaslight myself into thinking otherwise znd remarks my bf made repeatedly in the past arent helping. I have to finish my sistets drzwing walk the dogs n exercise. Today i felt anxious multiple times and wasnt really able to get out of bed. I didnt meditate first thing in the morning either whoch i shouldve. Im gonna try my psycholoist tomorrow to take another apt bc i missed the last one. I feel like a failure. Good thing is im not hubgry at all bc of aderall and stress so thats cool. Ill try ti go to the pharact tomorrow as well but even thibking about livin another dy and having stuff t do makes me rly anxious i feel incapable of having a routine.

Update 3 : did the drawing, hate it and i dont have my mind up to that. Esp sibce the dezdline is so close and i feel like my sisters work ethic is so abusive and self centered that i just dont have fuel to turn her idea into smth cooler and add detzils or a personal touch. I just dobt want to experiment w it and i hate doing it and it shows. I walked my first dog for the second time fed them both gave the last pill to my second dog abd im about to walk her out now. I feel shitty about my day.

Today my ideal me :

Wouldve woke up meditate exercise and took care of the dogs in a whistle withiut thinking to avoid building up unecessary anxiety and have the drawing done by thr end of the morning and went to the dog park and pharlacy afterwards anf make music.

If someone saw me from an outside perspective :

I think they would think that my depression is quite invalidating and that im just letting myself down completely

Today i did :

Nothing consistent but i feel like i did my best within my possivilities and i went above my lack of motivation to draw and rakr care of the dogs

I felt :

Down empty and dead anxious and tired.

I ate :

Two biscuits and a bubble tea

Tomorrow i'll :

Try to meditate and exercise and feed the dogs and get ready for what its worth and go out a little abd go to the pharmacy abd call my shrink and try to get sum weed even tho i shouldnt but the anciety is too much

Im grateful for :

Having the strenght to write stuff down znd maybe itll be the start of a routine

My shrink being so lame she accepted that i get surgery

The dogs remiding me that i rly shouldnt br like my parents and helping me reflec and remember on abuse and stuff

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years ago

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Day 78

Almost 8 years back, when I used to have a HUUUGEE crush on him, we didnt used to talk yet & then we did a litttle - well but like I always used to talk to myself - hold on - no, you must be thinking im crazy - no no - i used to pretend like he was in front of me and i just used to pour my heart out! It used to feel really good. And thennnnn, after we started going out, there were nuuuuumerooouuuus times i got grounded! I used to do the saaaame all those times. Just talk to myself, whatever i want to, whatever comes in my head & & dont get the wrong idea - i didnt use to speak my heart out and it didnt used to feel so good cause i was talking to “myself” BUT i used to do it because i used to imagine HIM in front of me. And yes, i would really pour my heart out to him & yes, it would really feel so good.

Okay so why I am mentioning it today is because now i caught myself doing the same again! i talk to myself like im talking to him & he’s right here. And i just keep going on and on and on. Lol yeah yeah im a weirdo so here comes the fun and weird - or weirderrrr - part. I sometimes repeat the whole crap i just spoke out all over again. like the whole bunch of crap i just blabbered. I mean idk. Maybe partly cause ik that im just pretending like he is here but he is not, i kind of try to remember what im saying cause im not actually talking to him. and then after im done talking maybe i feel lonely and aware of the fact he is not here and then i try to feel like he is though all over again and then i try hard to remember everything i just said and say it all over again. Lol. idk maybe this is simply the definition of pure madness!

But. It means something to me. It keeps me going!

Oh about yesterday. I missed out a tiny part of me being happy shopping! I had dad’s credit card to myself lol. So i just had to go to a shop get my stuff and go to the cashier, enter pin and beep beep dad gets a text message of the money he just spent!!!! Haha! Dad was around though, outside the shops

So last night i just couldnt sleep. like i slept an hour and then i woke up and couldnt get back to sleep until like 6am wth. FALLING asleep can be such a struggle. NOT FALLING asleep can be a truggle too which i am really aware of. but like FALLING asleep? Wth? it shouldve been a piece of cake man. LIFE Ugh!

So i was kinda tired the whole day

I ate real food today. Most days i only live on apples and almonds and tea. Today I had a grilled fish and lettuce salad and then has a falafel sandwich. I dont feel THAT bad or bad at all i guess cause it was a healthy choice but then still, it was ‘food’ so yeah! Tomorrow i need to go back to apple & almonds.

I think about him all the time. With time, it keeps getting harder & harder, staying away from him. Also, I just cant get myself to picture a happy face of him. Like an actual happy face, one where ik he is actually happy... And that just kills me..

I guess its not supposed to be easy duh. but like. idk what im trying to say. idk. Its just that. Ugh.. Ya Allah make this easy for both of us & please give us sabr.

Oh i just remembered. So i dont feel like doing stuff. Idk. simple stuff. Any stuff. Like open something new i bought WHICHHH btw is really “something” to me! I mean, i mean this will pass and obviously he is not there next to me & even before he didnt used to be there but then id still idk send him a pic or idk tell him about it and idk it would just make me happy but now i just have to do something and i wont be able to share it with him and ikkkkkk inshaAllah one day He will give us the chance to have moment like that but but but. I still have this thing. Like i go like - yeah, but this ones just gna goo.. - hmph. Idk if that makes me greedy.. I guess I kinda am..

And yeah its not something as stupid as opening stuff or showing him stuff i bought but like each and everything in my life... hehh

I never wanted to admit it even to “MYSELF” but i died a million times the day he went to bd. I dont ‘really’ understand why. I mean, yeah kinddddaaa feeling bad is ok but i felt ‘really’ bad - that i had been lying to myself tryingt o make myself believe that it was just a coincident i felt really depressed right the day he went to bd and the next maybe >.> no but the next days one wasnt bd, it was life. but ugh im not THAT depressed now, i mean i think i suffer from depression - maybe really mild not to severe or maybe more than mild idk. But to say ive got no problem at all and im completely fine? WHO AM I KIDDING??? lmao

The thing is - these days - are better than the really bad days. Thats all im gna say! But. Alhamdulillah <3 I really cant say I can be ungrateful any single day of my life but.. Its really not that simple.. I am grateful, I always am, Even when i am tired - so. damn. tired. - of life but - i just cant explain it!

Ok so the thing is, yeah i felt bad when he went to bd, cause yeah it felt like he went far. and that means it still feels like before when we used to talk and id feel bad cause he went far. So i guess it doesnt matter whether we talk or not, when hes far, hes far, and i feel it.. Also today i came to know he will come back after Eid! Thats pretty long! But i really hope he enjoys inshaAllah!

I kinda realized i write a lot about him - but tbh - thats basically me! He is a.l.w.a.y.s.s.s.s. there. And Always Will Be.. InshaAllah

And now i will work out UGH - I want to hire someone whod point a gun at me every single day to get me on the treadmill that would be REALLY HELPFUL CAUSE I JUST CANT MAKE ME! )(*&^@#$^%^&#*@(&*&^#*&^#*$()*(@))*)($*)($

Ok bye :) xox

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