#IM NOT CAPABLE OF LIKING THINGS NORMALLY
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guys i have very bad news. i started watching good omens and it is good
#WHAT DO I DO#IM NOT CAPABLE OF LIKING THINGS NORMALLY#for some reason there’s this deep seated fear in my heart whenever i start liking things#esp when it has the potential to become a special interest#i don’t know why my brain is like this#it’s good tho#also i. completely see why it blew up on tumblr#and does anyone have that fanart of troy and abed as aziraphale and crowley im trying to find it#good omens#community
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the star you've longed for
#PLEASE WATCH REVUE STARLIGHT!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥#project sekai#revue starlight#pjsk#emu otori#nene kusanagi#emunene#prsk#proseka#yuri win. i make my fav pairing fight tothe death#HAPPY EMUNENE WEEK LOOOOOL#Can i be hinestni think this sucks it took way too long cause i forgot how to draw for a week#im seeing demons and stuff. i feel more normal now. Also you may recall emu has a big hammer for revstar#thats the bottom of it the gem thing all the weapons have hers is sharp#i remember seeing meta post abt how mahiru has a blunt weapon because she never actually aimed for the lead role#rather she only wanted to be by karen's side. so her weapon wasnt capable of cutting anything in the first place#Fastforward to the movie and well LOLLLLL#though i think its funny in the movie her mace is still mostly used for i timidation againstbhikari.. bc again shes not winning for a lead#revue starlight youre neat. maybe i like revstar.#<- has been insane for 4+ years#Needed their pose to be smth where nenes weapon isnt visible because I DONT KNOW WHAT WEAPON TO GIVE HER. OOMFS HELP. I NEED A NENE WEAPON.#i thought some sort of polearm/spear/halberd etc something with range but that can be ambitious#but i feel like smth with that much footwork needed doesnt suit her.. And she cant hsve a sniper i dont think thatwould fucking work#aruru gets pistols in the revue but aruru also is Ummm well shes uhhh. [screaming] [car crash]#throwing knives would be funny wouldnt it. Put that gamer aim to use#idk if the emunene week tag is on here but i'll donit anyways#emuneneweek2024#EDIT: i have decided nene gets a rapier. its awesome. thanks for coming#tsukasa has his giant flag and i dont want to budge on that. im thinking about giving rui the throwing knives since he juggles.#it would be funny. saki + rui knife juggling
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Sometimes I think to myself "actually maybe I'm exaggerating the terror I felt from being stalked", but then I remember that the person in question followed me and waited for me outside my school every day, tracked me down on every website I'd spent even the slightest time on, left physical letters in my mailbox, sent creepy as hell novel length messages on a near daily basis on FB. And then when I was living abroad and I answered the phone I told the caller to text me cause I couldn't hear, after which I had to read "I was saying that you would probably be VERY scared if you knew who's calling... hehe" with my own damn fucking eyes...
And then I'm like yknow what nevermind!!!! the fact that I'm still terrified of being perceived and seen in public not just IRL but also FFXIV might be understandable actually!!!
#im not saying its what caused my psychotic breakdown cause there were many factors#but needless to say it played a HUGE part especially surrounding the debilitating paranoia i was left with for years#i should mention that i only learned LAST YEAR that this person supposedly gave up according to them#by an old mutual classmate (the only one im still in contact with sadly because this person destroyed all the connections i held dear)#(we were classmates for years and this fucked me up cause we were friends for years before it all went down)#but yeah so last year they gave up apparently and it started 2012.#id managed to evade their notice online since 2019 when they last contacted me on facebook and i assumed id simply shook them off#given the habits i developed as a result of it that still affect me in ways i hate#but yeah its only been about a year of feeling relatively safe for the first time since 2012... and even then only relatively#cause i have no idea how permanent that is. and i dont dare to fully relax knowing what the person is capable of in terms of violence#hysterically tumblr is one of the very places online where they never found me it seems#but yeah. apparently they can just move on and here i am meanwhile still feeling the effects#such as feeling like im drenched in ice even in fucking *ffxiv* just because someones targeting or emoting at me#even though its never actually a problem! its a normal thing! and yet that brief moment of dread and fear seems to stick#IDK WHY IM RANTING ABOUT THIS I WAS JUST REMINDED AND. AURGH#awful. horrible. hopefully itll be fine forevermore and that ill be able to relax one day#silvi talks
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mumbo’s grown into such an amazing builder ♥️♥️♥️ he’s so cool ♥️♥️
he’s always been better than he thinks but he’s really grown into it now. like i remember looking back that . in season 5 his seaside town project. it wasnt. great. like we knew what it was but… it was so bland. very 2017. part of that was the biome, sure, and it was also very much a secondary project at the end of the season, but the megabase was all prismarine and quartz and clean lines. geometry. hard to detail - except for the storage system and the aquarium and he popped off with those. but he didnt get time or really.. have the skills? to grow it all to its full potential.
and then in season 6 everything was all hypermodern/futuristic clean lines again that detailing isnt really possible with. he did well with what he could detail, but everything was so smooth, it was hard.
and season 7 it was basically.. just one big build. again, he did really well with it, but it was such a monolith that it was hard to add these tiny details to it. and there was no easy way to look closely? no real places to add them. the golden heart is the exception here.
season 8 we saw the start of something incredible, with the arm chair mountain. the tiny houses on the cliffside were there to provide colour. but they were… empty. again, i get why, and i dont know how to add something to them other than to maybe up the scale and that wouldve been REALLY hard.
we didn’t see much of him in season 9, but he fell back on the geometric designs and clean lines. it looked good! i loved the colour scheme. but the most detailed part of that build was the moat. the screeching crevice. and no one really looked at that after it was all built up.
but he didnt lose the skills from s8. in fact, he improved them.
because now we’re here and he’s making concept art and detailing with shadows and odd block choices and. i honestly think. if he puts his mind to it and keeps this up. we’ll have another heavy hitting builder. this build feels alive. it feels real.
#my post#SORRY FOR BEING NOT NORMAL ABOUT MUMBO but also im NOT AT ALL SORRY#i just. ive been watching this guy since i was like 12. you dont go that long and not start. caring about the guy?#anyway#theres a whole nother post not really implied at all in here about how youtubers get put in a box and MUST stay there even if they show they#are more than capable of fitting in a completely different box#etho’s still called primarily a redstoner despite being a fantastic builder and . well once upon a time he was good at pvp#i feel like this is gonna happen and to an extent is happening with mumbo too#you say mumbo jumbo and people will go ‘oh the redstone guy’ and people will continue to say that forever?#it’s not necessarily a bad thing i just think people are more complex than that#mumbo IS a builder. mumbo IS a redstone engineer. hes both#gem managed to pull off the mutlitalented building/pvp skillset. but pvp is a different type of skill#i dont know. i dont know. someone will know what i mean#mumbo jumbo#hermitcraft
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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hi
#yall ths art block is so bad its actually making me so stressed out😭😭😭#its been awful plenty of times before BUT THISSS???IT FEELS NEVER ENDINGGG#so fucking frustrating-__- and i was finally working on smth i had started to like yday#but i hit this mid point where i didnt know How 2 break thru from like .. rough > finished#and im like T__T . brah . head in my hands#IDK WHAT TO DOOOOOOO . < lamenting . < woe is me .#sry i luv talking abt it . its therapeutic tbh . what do u guys do when u are in this position#i also try to go back to basics and j do gesture studies until i feel more capable#but im like shakig the bars of my cage . let me do smt fun again. please ❤️ PLEASEE ❤️#i think part of it is also imposter syndrome whre like .. u see so many people u look up to doing so many cool things w their art#and its like . falling back into the trap of comparison and feeling like nothing u make can replicate the feeling of seeing those other#things ykwim🤔#sick in da head . i think its also a twt issue#like ever since i started posting on there ive been feeling like i have 2 make . quote unquote good things which . obviously dookie sentimen#bc any art is objectively good art there isnt like . U CANT BE BAD YKWIM HELP#but when i j posted to tumblr it was like . u send it off like slapping a horse on the ass and u see it ride away and its so lowkey#and fun.. the community here is so muchc fun .. j dont feel pressured here#smiles sweetly#<gi influence#maybe ill delete the app 4 a while until i feel normal again#guys we need to kill all social media#guys we need to go back to drawing sheep on rocks (<giotto ref(#if i had 2 elaborate ig it feels like . i am following the path of most resistance -__- like wading hesdstrong in2 waves that keep pushing#me back . theres so much i want to do Wish i could do but its like damn i can barely draw like two complete things over the course of 2-3 mo#from how HARD IT ISSS🚶and my aphantasia compounds it . fumbling arnd in a dark room hoping smth sticks#graa.. i think its the realization that i couldnt ever do art professionally bc im such an obstinate artist T_T#tbh saying all this now its like looking up in2 the eyes of all my art insecurities looming over me#CASTING 100 FT SHADOWWWW🧍#whteve . check back on me in 2 months hopefully i feel normal ab it then
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crying thinking about the ericson kids being like.. overly protective of clem post-amputation not because they think any less of her but because they just want to protect her the same way she protected them 😭
#im writing a short comic and its making me emotional#clem getting frustrated because she misses her independence and is desperately trying to get it back#the kids knowing shes capable but also they almost lost her once and they wont let it happen again#the kids would Never think less of her for her injury they know how terrifyingly capable she is..they just love her so much#WAAAAHHH#this is only for like the first few months At Most as she heals then all the baby-ing stops as things go back to normal#but the first weeks of her recovery are definitely filled with lots of 'oh dont worry clem i got that for you!' and its Pissing her Off#like she gets it and she loves them but also its driving her up the wall#it speaks#twdg#god i wish my friends were as brain fried about twdg as i am
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so john smith is a character that ten "made up" (ie. the tardis generated him to fit the time period it picked). a fundamentally empty person that he can't control will do. someone that is missing the inherent parts of what makes ten himself, like not just his two hearts but things that truly deeply matter to him. things like not hurting anyone or not abandoning a companion or not being someone that teaches children how to shoot a weapon and fight in a war. human ten might show echoes of normal ten here or there like the art or the intelligence but their differences are rly kinda the point of the arc. multiple times human ten is given the opportunity to give himself up and sacrifice himself for those around him and it's only until the very, very last minute that he makes the decision that normal ten would've done in an instant. this isn't your normal amnesia storyline; ten temporarily erased himself from existence to give the family of blood a chance of dying peacefully, and replaced himself with someone else who wouldn't do that same thing; who is so ordinary and complacent and cishet and probably even likes the texture of pears
#obligatory asterisk on the not hurting anyone bit but like. ten IS a pacifist i think this is one of his defining character traits#and one of the main things he carries over from the growth that nine did over his season#tenth doctor#dr who#sorry i needed to get out my thoughts on the human ten arc it's still haunting me#BECAUSE. ten's humanity while being a time lord is such a constant theme with him#i don't think john smith embodies humanity more than ten does. just a different aspect of it.#you could def argue a more uglier side of it. bc like. [gestures vaguely] lmao#for a second i thought it was a normal amnesia storyline tho and i thought it was cute that human ten was a teacher.#bc im of the opinion if ten existed in a modern au he'd be a high school teacher. undeniably#opinion redacted as i actually found out what was actually happening tho. lmao.#nobody gets this stupid arc like i do i have grievances with it but it Says So Much About Ten#while he isn't there at all. this is the point. he isn't there and martha has to take on everything by herself#skimming the confidential eps for that arc and the show making martha go through all that. was probably them trying to show that martha#is like strong and capable and has grown to such a position of trust for ten across the season. However. [gestures vaguely]#white british writer's room that doesn't get that racism isn't just some episodic villain martha has to face this one time#10 era
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what in the star wars shit is this why is literally everyone related
#jjk#jjk spoilers#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen spoilers#i am not a manga reader for the record#so im just scrolling through the tag looking at all the family trees and being like wait what on earth is going on#let gege cook ngl#it's honestly funnier without context#like oh yeah yuuji's mum is kenjaku and yuuji's dad is sukuna's twin brother. this is a perfectly normal human being thing to happen#honestly the implications of this are so hype though. like yuuji genuinely had the capability to be as strong as#if not stronger than#gojo. like he could have inherited sukuna's technique?? that's insane#guess i better catch up with the manga haha#oh yeah and no /neg towards star wars star wars is great
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i think it's really funny when people look at Everything about riven and conclude that he just hates all rich people when his best friend is literally Rich Boy McGee
#his hate for rich people is not black and white#his hate and distrust of sky is not black and white#and im sorry but seriously reducing his personality to Just hates all rich people is a big disservice to his character#like obviously if youre just making jokes its whatever#but Seriously and Genuinely saying that riven just hates rich people regardless doesnt track with his personality#yes its true that he doesnt trust rich people and that he recognizes they get unfair advantages in life#but riven's love and trust of nabu and his hate and distrust of sky go hand in hand#nabu proved that he wasn't Like That. that he wasn't just some asshole with cash to burn#he never looked down on riven or assumed that riven wouldn't be capable of something#meanwhile characters like sky do and have done those exact things#riven hates things like capitalism and nepotism and rich people who dont realize how good they have it#but he's still able to be kind and normal with rich people who prove they aren't like that#and ik this seems like a small thing but it really highlights his level of empathy and willingness to understand people#riven is 100% in a position where he could just hate all the specialists and winx and refuse to play nice with them#but he doesn't! because the ones who have proven they're Good despite their advantages in life still deserve to be -#treated like people to him! he knows the difference between a person like nabu and a person like sky#and i really feel like that detail shouldn't be thrown away by the fandom#Especially since so many people like to pretend he's just an evil guy who hates everyone#his strong moral judgment is integral to his personality#winx riven
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After everything is over, the Byers-Hopper family decides to have a do-over of the spring break family dinner night. Jonathan notices Murray noticing Will and Mike and he’s absolutely not letting his little brother get Murray’d at the dinner table. His knee-jerk reaction is to speedrun a sexuality crisis right then and there because he needs to fall hopelessly in love with Argyle immediately to redirect Murray’s attention so Will doesn’t get outed in front of everyone. And maybe it’s suspiciously easy to fall in love with Argyle, but he can worry about that once Will is no longer in peril…
#i just feel like this is something he would do#nothing is off the table when someone brings his little brother into things#even if will is totally capable of handling things himself jonathan's older brother instincts overpower all reason#and when murray points out how argyle clearly reciprocates the feelings#jonathan is like ??? because argyle isn't acting any different than normal and... oh. right. well then.#im not pro or anti murray (bc i know thats a big debate i keep seeing) but he's a fun plot device i can use for my evil schemes#jargyle#jonathan byers#argyle stranger things#wait does he not have a last name???? what. how did i miss that??#caly's ramblings
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Okay I'm working on snowbird chapter 2
I hope people actually read it considering seven of them voted for me to keep writing it when I asked them
#announcement#i guess#snowbird#snowbird chapter 2 is im uhhere i er well#im like. 49% done#i hope people read it i really do#i establish the protags relationship with her older sister in chapter 2 itll be great#therell be guilt the protags bestie has a fraternal relationship with the protags older sister would you read that please read that im beggi#also just read part of mockingjay that derails my whole plot BUT ITS OKAY the plot holes have saved me#it says that finnick odair was a mentor during the 74th games but that doesnt check out because he won during 65 but annie casta won in 70#meaning annie casta won the most recently but wasnt a mentor??? but annie is known for not being stable SO#that means that if a mentor is unfit to train new tributes they can be replaced by a more capable one WHICH MEANS#despite the timelines making one of my characters the most recent district 4 victor if she has a psychotic breakdown she wont mentor#so now i have to find a way to traumatise her enough that her progress going back to normal just flies out the window#fortunately the reaping happens in winter the arena was full of snow theres a point where she falls in a frozen lake she lives in district 4#hmmmmmm and maybe she gets cut. maybe blood on snow reminds her of things that she doesnt want to be reminded of. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnmnnnm#it happens in winter cause its in the middle of the year. winter is in the middle of the year. catching fire has the reaping midyear (?)#look dont ask me about my timelines just enjoy it okay
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#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior#ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing#but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day#i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else#and i didn't feel it happening#my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise#i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes#this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care.#eventually and inevitably i do damage.#and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better#not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that.#trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really#really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect#but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that.#but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated.#all i can ever think to do is isolate#*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist#or adjust my medication. god. im so tired.#why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then
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ohhhh goodmorninggg everyone :3
i am. going on a date today … i literally never ever do stuff like this but i think it’s important 2 get out of my comfort zone,,,, anyways im nervous . AUUUGHHH!!!!!!!!! will update
#.mei chats#lowk feels disloyal but ik that’s ridiculous 😭#f/o wld want me to try new things and put myself out there and do normal girl stuff prolly😁#it prob won’t work out anyways#im not like capable of attraction really sooooo ;P
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anyone else feel like people expect them to be way better at being alive than they actually are. like i feel like people expect me to know more about how the world works and be able to do more things and have more skills but i just . dont . like does anyone else feel completely underprepared and inadequate at being a human person with no clue how to begin to learn everything youre lacking or even what youre lacking in the first place. you know
#text#neg#my best friend is the same age as me and she's like. living on her own & working in a field she cares abt & studying things she#loves & doing taxes & going grocery shopping & taking care of herself & making friends#and im like . dropping half my classes cheating on reading quizzes living at home and having panic attacks at the thought of a phone call#like everyone moves at their own pace whatever. but its hard to feel like an adult person wheneveryone around u is way more#capable than u are#i feel like a little kid in an adult body#Sorry i mean im normal
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the power i will receive in a matter of days will be astounding. watch out
#i am making this post to ramble. idk if it will actually change anything but i am trying 2 be hopeful .#ive been very. Rough all month thus far both physically and mentally and occasionally both at the same time#i am just hoping tht wat i am getting soon will help me do things bc ive rly had no energy to do anything at alllllll#and i rly dont want to like. Explode i would like to get things done#i have things i owe to people!!! i just dont have the spoons to do it Ever and it piles iup and up in my head#it fucking blows dude i have been stuck in a horrendous loop for like almost 6 months#i just want 2 be normal u know . i am hoping something will change soon#if it does not change in the nesxt few days when my shit arrives i think im like. Done For in general#like if im unable to get anything done in the next few days then i am going to very seriously have to reconsider#literally everything i do online i think. its a bit fucked up#ik it sounds like an exaggeration bu there is noooo way in hell i am Surviving like tihs !!!!!!! slash srs#i wish twitter circles did not die so i cold blow up in there bu back to ye olde norm of tumblr tags will have to do#also it feels less invasive so like. win for me ig. i do miss rambling nonstop in tags#i miss tumblr!! i miss a lot of old stuff. reminiscing for reasons both good and bad. the tumblr stuff is the good side tho#anyways i have been slowly chipping away at writing thigns this month and ik its like. not a lot at all.#but its a lot to *me* and when youre someone whos only capable of doing so mch its like. a big deal#(im writing pmdnd stuff finally getting back into gear nd stuff i have been trying to slowly draw the npcs#that ive made whilst trying to recover in other areas bu rghghrghgrgr i dont ewant to draw#i havent wanted to draw in a long long time blows up)#i shuld. stop typing actually i am rambling too much i jsujt have nowhere to mindlessly ramble anymore technicaly#i dont want to bug my friends w me being unwell all the time DFJKGHDFKGFG#mayne i will try to ccontinue with the npcs. we will see based on if i post again in the next 30 minutes
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