#IM FREAKING OUT JUDT THINKING ABOUT HIM

[cj-marj]

I have a confession.

Renegade Knuckles’ voice is so freaking hot. I absolutely love it. Anytime he said anything I had to pause and squeal. Like omg. I love his voice.

[lemony-and-zesty]

HELLO FRIEND I GOT AN ASK!!! Does our dear boy John Dory get panic attacks because of his job? If so has he ever had one accidentally in front of his bros? Like they see how this genuinely affects JD so much and he DIDN'T want this?

oh my god yeah

jd has so much built up anxiety and emotions that he hasn’t quite come to terms with and i think it ends up bubbling over on occasion.

especially after he gets out of the situation (still haven’t determined how i want that to happen) and it has time to,, well,, hit him i guess.

so yea, once things are calm for the first time in twenty years, jd finds himself at a loss. and even tiny things result in him blowing up or freaking out. it scares his bros a lot.

ok and also im putting a cut here cause i went a little into self harm so beware of that.

also i imagine the bros findin out about jd scratching himself in the shower does not go well. like, im fully imagining him brushing it off like “i was just cleaning myself off. had to scrub a lil harder than normal to get rid of the stains.” and his brothers are like “jd,, that��s,,, self harm,,,, you’ve been hurting yourself”

and jds like “pssh nah im fine. i sometimes would judt scratch myself cleaning the blood off and those scratches would bledd and then id be lile “oh shit more blood gotta clean that off” and would scrub harder” and his brothers are extremely concerned.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi I think I already left an ask about this but I'm gonna do it again lol

sooooo... im pretty sure I already said that william is gonna die at some point in the au, but I think I've figured out why + how. unfortunately the trickster still exists in this au so I'm thinking that he gets killed by it? maybe??? like they're still gonna fight overlord and have the trickster happen, so I'm thinking that maybe this time the fight takes place on a rooftop. where everyone can see it. it's totally broadcast to the news too. william, having no powers, tries to stay out of sight and help from the sidelines. that is, until ashe gets possessed. (maybe the same way as in canon? maybe not?) something happens, and they end up trying to fight the trickster immediately. wiwi gets targeted because he's weak(I guess?) and gets uh. more or less speared through the heart and sent off the side of the building. fun!

so now vyncent and dakota have lost two(2) friends in the same battle. so they're... probably not doing well. anyway, they get distracted by trying to save william or at least see where he fell, and the trickster escapes while they're distracted.

meanwhile, william is in the spirit world. talking to mal. skip ahead a bit, he gets sent back to prime, but in his wisp form. (like his death in season one). and unfortunately for him, his body is. kinda destroyed. so he can't go back to it. he's still visible and tangible, he s just stuck in his wisp form (and looks pretty different. like the way I draw his wisp form) vyncent and dakota find him freaking out over his dead body and don't recognize him at first, and he doesn't know he doesn't look like...him. yet.

(also his parents totally saw him die on live television!!! it was probably censored, but still!!! messed up!!!)

uhhh after that idk what happens!!!! i need to think about it more!!! if u have any ideas please share!!!!

hiiiiiii omg yes I'm so sorry. had a couple mental illness days i didn't have the words to properly answer this. but oh my GODDDDD DUDE.

william getting stabbed. and then pushed off a roof. he still gets to fall. he still gets mutilated by the trickster. it just happens all at once. that's SO FUCKED UP.

ive always been a HUGE fan of william looking way different in his wisp form i think that's awesome. make him otherworldly and offputting !!!!! this is so good and so absolutely heartbreaking. because like.... before this. they weren't heroes. dakota and vyncent maybe had a little more combat experience based on their various backgrounds but william???? william was judt a guy!!! he had no reason to be in that fight other than the fact that it was his friend and he wanted to save him. and he gets killed for it. man. that's so absolutely devastating ‼️

[hypocriticaltypwriter]

Somthing, somthing.....Mary weeping while holding Nancy bechse she confessed she loves Ace and went on and on and on about him and now Mary is crying becuse she had no real idea and a part of her feels so horrible for being so mean to Nancy and they just sit snd cry and hold eachother and Mary jokes about how she's sure Ace will come around.

Then later Ace is "Trapping" (backs her into a corner at times or just ensures she csnt grt off or away easily) Nancy while he gives her...flowers? She never thought she'd kick to see thr day of Ace being so sweet.

Bonus+ Mary and Nancy being together then Mary races home to change and be Ace again, and he still has a bit of perfume on him and lipstick smeared and stained on his lips while he fully knows those clothes are haphardaly tossed around his own bedroom and he's a mild mess but damnit he SAID he'd take Nancy for a date and he's doing it! ....even if it results in her asking about his lips and smell. (++bonus, if they go back to his place for a bit and he gets so shy about his bedroom and basicky forbids Nancy from going in, judt for her to peak in and see how...messy the clothes are all over the place and she doesn't say a word to him)

MY LIVE REACTION RN

I'm sorry I just... MARY AND NANCY CRYING LIKE A BUNCH OF TEEN GIRLS WATCHING THE TITANIC WITH THEIR MAKEUP ALL RUNNY AND HUGGING EACH OTHER SO TIGHT IM 💥🩷💥🩷💥

Also the thought of Ace getting caught with their lipstick smeared after being Mary makes me just think of the craziest thoughts going through Nancy's head 💀

Nancy: Is... Is that cashmere bouquet lipstick on your chin right there?

Ace: Actually, is Revlons.

Nancy: w-what?

Ace: WHAT WHO SAID THAT?

[Don't worry Nancy, you'll get used to that shade when your face is covered in kiss marks from it 😌]

AND THE FLOWERS 🥺🥺🥺 Nancy just freaking out a little but being cornered then there's a bunch of pretty flowers shoved right in her face AUFHFH 😫🩷🩷🩷

[nintendont2502]

What's up with heirstuck and reboot

Heirstuck is just my version of the generic homestuck fantasy AU (the planning document is actually named 'Yet Another Generic Fantasy AU' so I kinda call it heirstuck + YAGFAU interchangeably lmao), but idk I think its fun. I put a shit ton of effort into the world building/lore but also I have no fucking clue what to actually do with it? Idk might write smth after I finish Reboot

Reboot is just 'self indulgent shit: the fic' and I love it so fucking much. It's also the only fic idea I've actually written something for (8k so far baybee). It's all I think about at work because driving is Boring

Hold up im gonna add a cut here because im about to infodump hard

Reboot: takes place 10 years after the game ends, and right after Dirk kills himself like he does in the Candy timeline (except there's no Ult selves this time - dude was just Not Doing Great). Jake *also* isn't doing great, manages to convince himself that there *has* to be a Dirk, and somehow Hopes into existence a 13 year old Hal, who's very confused (because his last memory was dying as Arquiussprite when he tried to leave the game*) and definitely not Dirk. Jake freaks out, Hal *also* freaks out and passes out (partially due to just being overwhelmed by being literally Hoped into existence), and Jake takes them to Dirk's old apartment where he uh. May or may not keep him kidnapped there for just over a month (although he'd never admit that he's essentially kidnapped someone to himself). Also he keeps trying to figure out how to 'fix' everything, and somehow ends up deluding himself through the power of Hope into seeing Hal *as* Dirk. Hal (who at this point is incredibly scared just by. Everything (including Jake flipping his shit and punching him at one point) goes along with it.

Eventually Jane figures out what's going on, finds Hal and loses her shit because holy shit her husband created life, kidnapped said life and didn't tell her for a month straight. Hal ends up moving in with Dave and Karkat (who are very very gay and very very in denial about that) and gets a job with crockercorp because he doesn't fully trust dave and karkat yet, and wants to be able to support himself. Eventually he realises thst he *can* trust dave and karkat (and his job is incredibly fucking boring) and he tries to quit, but whoops! Turns out he was *technically* registered as Crockercorp property.

To try and cover up Jake's... everything, Jane secretly gave him a role at Crockercorp in the research and development sector, with Hal legally being his prototype for Crockercorp's supposed AI program. Jane was originally just going to leave it, but crockercorp is struggling financially, and AI research could be enough to keep them running. Which means.- Hal isn't allowed to leave. Obviously Hal, dave and Karkat are *furious* about that, but there isn't anything they can do - legally, Hal doesnt exist as a person, and when they try to take Crockercorp to court, they lose. Bad. Jane (who isn't the absolute worst yet but judt give her time) offers them a contract where Hal can do his work from home four days a week, and only comes in on Mondays. She does get worse though. Way fucking worse - she begins to realise that if they're going to pull off the AI thing (and they have to, because they've invested so much time already and there's so much on the line), they need Hal to obey them- and right now, he isn't doing that. Being at Dave and Karkats most of tje time gives him a stable home base, so he feels confident enough to tell crocker to fuck off and not play into her robot shit. Eventually, she starts getting even more desperate, and Bad Shit happens which I won't spoil here :)

Heirstuck doesn't have a plot yet, but it's pretty standard 'homestuck fantasy AU' shit. Derse and Propsit are two separate kingdoms, ruled by the alpha kids (who are 20) with the beta kids (who are like 16) being the heirs to the throne. Alternia is a separate kingdom on the outskirts that fucking hates the human kingdoms, and the human kingdoms are also at war with each other

The rules of succession are pretty interesting though I think - each kingdom has two thrones, the male and the female throne. Only members of the royal family who show signs of magic abilities are able to claim the throne, and there's always two royals of each gender - one on the throne, and a heir. In both kingdoms, the male members of the royal family take one last name (Strider in Derse, Egbert in Prospit), while the female members take a different last name (Lalonde in Derse, Harley in Prospit).

The last Queen of Prospit (Queen Harley) mysteriously disappeared one day, along with the former King Egbert, leaving Jane and Jake to take the throne. Only a few days earlier, Queen Lalonde and King Strider of Derse *also* died, forcing Dirk and Roxy to the thrones. All four were far younger than any recorded rulers in history, and the suspiciously close timing of the rulers deaths only lead to more suspicion between the two kingdoms, fueling the war even further. Just after the crowning of the two kingdoms new rulers, the ruler of Alternia - Her Imperial Condesce - returned after her decades long disappearance, telling Alternia to ready for war

Before Queen Harley died, she spent a lot of time with her Heirs Jane and Jake, although what she did was unknown. It must have had an impact, though, because when Jane ascended to the throne, she took the last name 'Crocker' instead of the traditional Harley, in honour of the former queens original last name. Similarly, only a few days after he was crowned, King Egbert completely disappeared (although rumours have spread that he now goes by Jake English or Doc Scratch, in honour of the God he's created a cult around on the outskirts of the warring kingdoms)

(Also yeah Queen Harley is absolutely just HIC in disguise - she brainwashed Jane into further intensifying the war between Derse and Prospit before she 'died', and she told Jake about a powerful God known as Lord English in the hopes of distracting him to get a weaker King on the throne (poor John). She didn't expect him to actually raise LE - it was the equivalent of just jingling keys in front of a baby's face, only for them to snatch them, sprint away and commit mass vehicular manslaughter in your Ford f150.)

I dont really have too much in the way of plot yet, but I do have some random ideas:

- after HICs return, karkat is suddenly in a lot more danger as a mutant (and someone who neber manifested powers, unlike every other troll) - so he gets the fuck out and flees to Derse, where he meets dave

- speaking of Dave - he never manifested powers either. He shouldn't be heir, and they all know that. He came along with rose to serve as her body guard (and also to get away from his older brother, who - resentful that *he* never got called up to take the throne - trains Dave *way* too hard). Rose fakes a vision that Dave is meant to be heir, and dirk and roxy pretend to believe it because holy shit they can't just send him back

- Jake uses dirk as a host to manifest Lord English. Cue incredibly insane Dirkjake here

- I have. Thoughts about classpects and how they manifest but I can't be fucked writing them out jere

- HICs main goal is to have the two human kingdoms turn on each other so they weaken each other, and then the trolls can sweep in and take them all out (right now they live underground after some ancient war drove them out or smth).

[kusundei]

accidentally fellasleep again bcuz i dont thjnk the. constant 3 hrs of sleep i keep getting thrlughout the week is truly helping me eprchance… but goddd. i have woken up eith a sort of slight feeling of doom . just a little but i notice it enough to care even in the slightest and jt always appears wheneher ajax is around (god forbid i am happiest with him! distracts me from my real problems and when he is gone i am forced to acknowledge my evil side) but goodness. chat. i do i truly love him sososo much with every inch of me.,,, more than i love myself and anything else in the world . perhappps i love him more than ive loved anythinf at all???? im trying tl think ab earljer today w him again to attempt to lift my spirits i mean it is like. five am. goodness i miss him. i feel so odd and clingy sometimes ., perchance that i talk too much becahse god forbid i ever allow myself to do anything without overthinking it after idk. im juustt often filled with so much joy with him and perhaps i am not doing the best in general and i keep pushing it to the side .,,,??

i just am so truly happy with him i never want to acknowledge it. i will fight it for as long as possiblr but goodness i keep feeling it over and over. that overwhelming feeling of just emptiness. perhaps grief and j feel distraught for no reason in particular. dare i mention i am still truly doomed and feel that way , he judt makes everything feel a little easier?? thay perhaps i do have something to look forward to even though everything sucks rn. but honestly you think ab it nothing is truly going on that should be affecting me so badly its just,, the usual,,??? i have no idea perhaps.

dare i discuss more things on my mjnd tonight since its late and im thinking already. we’ll go positive for now perhaps iii. i keep realizing over and over how fucked and doomed me and jd were even from tje start and how i kept having to just deal with things and be okay eith things even prior to us dating?? i mean my rule was alwasy like. love unconditionally. she is your partner. that sort of thing. eith ajax im realizing i dont have to dp that??? hes just there. everything feels so simple and i feel sort of selfish. he puts up w so much and talks ab so much stuff so easily in ehich i know jd wouldve freaked out. lost her mind and started something about. hes just so okay and understanding ab everything i dont believe jt??? i leep trying to be like,,, well hes literally meeee… to try and console myself into the belief but god i cant. bcuz wdym ur okay w rhat. wdym we can talk ab this. wdym you’re COMMUNICATING with me??? wdym i dont have to tweak and you feel bad when i do????? you ask me if im okay and you care???? god forbid i get back the love i give others and for the first time with the person i trulytrulyTRULY am so in love with like. goodness. he is the only light i see every single day. perhaps preventing me from getting wprse and evil bcuz i know myself. i see myself setting myself ul slightly but i digress. im okay. ots just like. hes so unerstanding i dont get it??? but then agajn i am too and hes literally me??? like ige never had a problem w that sort of thing i just knew jd did which strayed me away from so mych to keep her okay but lord do i feel like maybe i could just be honest w him and be okay an communicate. i jist still feel selfish regardless. god forbid i trust him because i NEED TOOOO i will not let my insecurity consume me and get the best of me. my doubts. bcuz i want tl truly believe he is as good and perfect as he is currently??? please ajax do not lie to me. i am begging you. i dont think id be able to handle it happening again and lrt alone if we fall down the same doomed pipeline and its my fault again i dont think id ever be able to recover. maybe perchance i am the one preventing everything. i lie to a degree but im also honest in a way i am not normally. im just trying truly to be honest ab issues and problems w him but god do i feel ph so selfish cuz it is SOOOO early.

speaking of early. i need freaky kusundei to CALM THE FUCK DOWN? ph goddd because no i do truly likr jt chat. perhaps i loveLOVELPVEEEE freaky ajax but then i recall i am truly all talk. intimacy to a REAL degree is ph so horrifying to me thats why i mentjon the… let me at least be comfortable enough to kiss you and hold you freely first - sort of thing. BELIEVE MEEE AJAX. i. want you so bad. i keep talking ab it and being freaky bcuz goodness. like i said i feel a sort of way w you i jave NOT felt before. god fotbid you make mee.,,, ^_^;; .,,,, freaky. its just i know mysrlf and i think i need to calm down. ohhh to be silly and intimate with you and to kiss you till we run out of breath like yoy want and to fufill both of our desires and fantasies but oohhh i am SCAREDDDD. recalling it now goodness sex js soooo fucking scary. let alone the fact i truly have nooooo experience besides i suppose. the one time and then my experience w jd but i wouldnt consider tnag to be able to help meee??,, IDK CHAT. i dont think he’d truly want to especially not this early but god i dont wanna give off the wrong impression. its also so pdd because np i kind of. kinda. want to. NOT PERCHANCEDOIT but jjs tlikke. ohhh to do everything else. i jist dont want to do that and then have it escalate that way but if it did i think id lrpbsbly be okay w it im just looking out formyself. have that weird thing ab feeling. evil snd dirty. god forbid he doesnt make me feel that way and GOD do i maybe want to buuuttt. its been a week. sorry but i do mean it when i say i love the label. i NEEEEED the label and i need it to marinate. feel like im moving tooquickly and im being evil and letting desire get the upper hand on me. its also jjst that i fear ill do it and feel guilty and gross like i have before. as badly as i may want to i just dont know if id be able to rationalize it enough to be okay w that right now??? GOD FORBID IM THINKINFABLHT IT TOO it just keeps popping intl my head. like i am being tormented. but truly kts the way id do anything else idk. hell i think id be okay being at like. the point i was at w jd after those 2 yrs. like erm. i coulf handlr that! its just i think i truly am just a bit opposed to. actual. perchance. penetra..tive………………….. intimacy….. god im a fucking freak i jjst also acknowledge the pain i feel over there regarding it. its been YEARS and goodness it aches sometimes on occasion. i alsp know my body. rejects anything going up so im fearful that iffff heee didddd. it. would not. work..!!!!!!! but. i digress. perhaps jm thinking too much into it like a freak bcuz goodness. believe me ajax you make me INSANE AND CRAZY. ohh to truly do all the things you mention it makes me such a FREAK. god im realizinf how truly impatient i am iiiNEED TOCALM DOWN but i keep just thinking ab sunday . god forbid savannah and her boombayah but idk chat ijj. ummm. IMAFREAK GOD. some things r best left unsaid and implied even on here. just. i do. want to. sososo badly. jts consuming me. ive neher felt want like thjs before and ohhh how j convinced myself i was perchance just losing any and all sexual desire but nope. j dont think i did.! godd i just. erm. the gift messages. no bcuznone of it is truly alluding to sex i just tend to think of it that way. ooohhh to drive each other mad its . ITS OVER IMA FREAK.

[burning-sol]

anyways i didnt do anything today ive been very. uhh. stuck. but i did think about what it would be like for the godslayers to be plopped into prime, specifically about how they would react to "youre not allowed to kill people".

peter is the most fucking relieved like "oh so we dont have to kill anyone ever???? thats so great" and rumi is cautious but like "hmmm well in 99% of situations if prison works then i dont see any reason we WOULD kill anyone. killing people is not something that should be taken lightly after all."

thanatos is. not enthused. i mean he gets the concept because peter and rumi have been trying to tell him to like. spare people. but he still REALLY thinks they should get to murder people. like. its just the most effective way to get rid of an enemy right? so. why . wouldnt you. he is not going to pretend like it isnt an active effort for him to not kill someone.

exandroth has a whole bundle of mixed up emotions because firsty. he cant KILL anyone??? even the bad guys????? like!! that was his favourite part of retributing!!! what the fuck does he do now?? r u kidding me what bullshit is this. he doesnt think jail is an equivalent punishment at ALL like he thinks if theyre evil then smite them off the face of the earth thats divine judgement baby. but also. he sort of likes seeing others rot away? but also she doesnt because it reminds her of being imprisoned herself?? its weird. exandroth walking through a jail would feel like pulling teeth in a mix of "I WANT TO KILL EVERYONE HERE" "HAHAH THEYRE ROTTING IN JAIL" "BEING IMPRISONED IS... NOT SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE THIS TAKEN THIS LIGHTLY" exandroth can sort of tolerate it since its not affecting him directly but if there were a question of "we're going to try and imprison someone you care about" exandroth is just going to kill everyone involved no matter what. FUCK prison bitch. no.

but basically, peter and rumi have a much easier time adjusting to prime and the social conventions. except for the concept of i.d probably? i dont think theyd be too happy that there is a constant surveillance and a lack of anonimity that there was back in prevarus. they dont mind following rules but the idea of someone constantly watching over you?? thats really fucked up. even if rumi is a charismatic type that's not the same as consenting to being constantly watched. itd make them freak out.

meanwhile exandroth and thanatos are. theyre sort of adjusting? but not that well. theyre like. murderers. and god slayers. for realsies. like thats built up to be a considerable part of their identity?? they can adjust but letting go of that is difficult.

oh and their views on authority. i think peter and rumi are a bit iffy on it but are like "well... technically it is run by PEOPLE so thats not all bad". exandroth and thanatos are showing sheer disrespect "THESE BITCHES ARE ACTING LIKE THEYRE GODS LOOK AT THESE STATUES THANNY THATS LIKE WORSHIP STATUS WE NEED TO MURDER THEM" and yeah u talk them down from not judt running up and murdering them. but thats not necessarily because they dont WANT to. but because they go "exandroth. if i could compare this situation back when we first met" "UHUH" "..i think these superheroes would, metaphorically, turn us into spiders" "SHIT YOURE RIGHT. WE'RE STILL NOT STRONG ENOUGH FUCK THIS"

ig overall the group isnt like EVIL but they would be considered morally grey more towards the darker tones. theyre just *waiting* for the moment the prime superheroes turn on them and label them villains. not that its their fault. they just wanna change the world for the better. if theyre considered evil for that rhen irs not their problem.

anyways those are my thoughts rn im getting sleeby.

[early-sxnsets]

Drunk Text

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43179500

Chapter 4/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 2002

Chapter Summary: Baz's friends get him a little drunk, which scares Simon half to death. Cue nervous spamming, best friend's advice, and a single picture.

BAZ

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: i dont know i guess im just scared of losing her family's attention???

My eyes scan over his text in the drop down, thumb pressing onto the screen to keep it half-showing. It's probably not a good idea to be talking to him about this right at this second, but I don't want him to feel abandoned (especially given our topic). The tiny graphic of the Instagram logo looms in the forefront of my mind even after I close my phone, thinking of a response.

A hard lemonade bottle rolls and rests against my thigh, making me look up at Dev as he pops open another. Despite calling them a “Gay drink”, he's already gone through two of them.

“Oy, you've barely had shit,” he says, twisting off the top of his third as he eyes my one half-empty bottle.

“Yeah,” Niall adds, eyebrows narrowing as he lifts his own drink. He bought an even shittier wine cooler. “Loosen up a little, you wound up dick.”

Reluctantly, I bring my bottle to my lips and swing, maintaining eye constant with Niall. Even with a weird shiver in a response, he doesn't look away. Neither do I--not until the bottle is finished. With a pop of my lips, I lower the glass and smirk. “There--happy?”

“I… guess?” He says slowly. “You okay, mate? What's wrong?”

What's wrong? What's wrong? Snow's texting me from his bathroom, too tired from crying to get off the tile, and I can't help him in any other way than to talk to him. That's what's wrong. “It's nothing. Just shit. That's all.”

Dev's foot nudges mine, making me disconcerted with their mutual care for my emotions. Usually, they just let me sulk, but tonight… tonight's odd. They're boozing me up and getting me to talk (for once).

I turn my head head away, looking towards the long, creaking window of mine. It nearly brushes the floor, and looks out upon the broad, rise and fall of our garden. The winter season leaves it beyond chilling.

“Can you open that?” I ask, voice tired as I nod towards my cousin. He blinks at me at first before rising to his feet and drawing it open. With a hand on my bed frame, I haul myself upright and onto my feet before digging through my nightstand. In the back lies a pack of cigs and a lighter I snagged from Aunt Fi's flat.

Only Dev takes one when I offer, seating myself right on the ledge. Neither of them bat an eye, except Niall's concerned staring as I lean against the frame, striking the light.

“Fine, don't answer,” he mumbles, taking back a mouthful of his drink.

I let in a drag, feeling it burn the back of my throat as I slide out my phone. Both the boys sit silently, exchanging glances as I finally type back a semi-coherent response for Simon.

The already buzzing of my head from the nicotine doesn't fully help my thoughts as much as I hoped it would.

strings_n_roses: christmas is over now, so the holidays are gone. if she weighs heavily on you because of the break up, then it isn't healthy and definitely not a pain that you deserve

strings_n_roses: and i know she drives you home, but maybe someone on your team will drive you instead if you ask

strings_n_roses: there's options other than discomfort

I suck in, turning off my phone with the app left open. The sound of Niall's shifting is nearly enough to make me want to yell. Their collective concern is barely appreciated, given it seems to be so sparse when actually needed.

In all honesty, I shouldn't blame them. I'm not in school, and they're just trying to help when they can. still, I can't shake the emptiness of their situational devotion to my feelings.

“You've been acting odd,” Dev adds first, giving me another drink. I take it, finishing my cig first. Looking at the burning end of it, I hand it out the window and crush it against the stone of the wall, leaving the butt on the sill as I climb off.

The drink is always better when you start the second one. “Just life shit. Doesn't matter,” I say, leaning back against the wall as I exhale slowly. There it is. The odd, mostly empty stomach nausea I get whenever I get to drink. Hits me harder, and makes it stronger. And almost definitely going to fuck me over, but it's only a few drinks (and I'm a lightweight, because fuck genetics).

As my eyes fall shut, I feel the jostling buzz of my notifications. Without hesitation, I pick it up and read it through as more messages slide down.

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: i dont really have friends on the team to drive me

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: or really anyone, except penny and sort of agatha, i guess

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: and her dad. her dad loves me

(strings_n_roses): gods.mistake: fuck im a little lonely fucker sorry im a killjoy and you're probably doing something more interesting with your life and im just ranting like an idiot fuck sorry

I ignore both Dev and Niall's looks as I attentively swipe it open, head spinning. I barely pay attention to what I'm saying, trying to get a word in before he has a chance to belittle himself further.

strings_n_roses: don't apologise at all. im heer to yell towards

strings_n_roses: after all im judt drinking im not ewally doingmuch

SIMON

My heart nearly stops, throat catching as I reread.

He's drinking. Fuck.

Vision blurring and body weak, the process of pulling myself upright makes it a battle all in itself.

The bathroom floor is filthy, but it felt like home. One minute I was standing, washing my hands silently in the sink, then I met my eyes in the mirror and crumpled onto the old, ratty bathmat. I'd just cried, a quiet sob into my wrist as the details of the room overwhelmed me. The dripping of the sink, the burning of the lights. The fear of losing Penny because I've practically lost Agatha already.

I don't even know if I miss her. I don't know if I want to miss her. I miss her family at Christmas--this was the first year since moving here without me going to the Wellbeloves for the holidays. I know I miss the way we'd sit together in silence, shoulder to shoulder and watching Doctor Who, but I don't know if I miss us.

She'd told me today that I'm too much. It's been months since the break up, but she said she still had something to say. That something, apparently, is that my life's unnecessary overwhelming, and I don't make her happy.

I told her likewise to me, even if I didn't mean it.

Maybe I did. I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I don't know why Baz is drinking. He'd told me a month or so back that he does occasionally, but he usually refrains from drunk texting. Says he doesn't like waking up to messages he didn't mean to send. I wonder what's different tonight.

I wipe my eyes, sniffling as quietly as possible as my trembling fingers tap out a response.

gods.mistake: please drink water

gods.mistake: and limit yourself. dont drink too much fuck just slow down

gods.mistake: did you eat? make sure youre eating

gods.mistake: please dont do anything stupid just please dont hurt yourself

At first, he's silent. The read receipt pops up, then stays still. Something in me thumps, then grows in strength as I struggle to breathe evenly again.

I've seen it too often. Too fast--too soon. The spiraling, the life destruction. The kids a few years older than me stashing stolen pill bottles under beds and liquor in their pillow cases.

I don't want him to hurt like that, and I can feel it already. The biting edge of coping.

My hand slides through my hair, settling amongst tangled curls as I shake. A disappearing picture from him pops up, starling me slight before I exhale, opening it.

It's his hand, the flash on it as he holds a pint sized glass of water. I can recognize it from his pictures of violin playing, scattered throughout his damned aesthetic Instagram account. It's the only part of his body I can recognize, and I know it well. Smooth on the back, and calloused fingertips with sharp jutting angles of his joins. His skin is a midtone of soft brown, like the shade of a perfect cup of tea, and his palm fades much lighter. You can tell he's some posh arse, because his nails are always trimmed and buffed.

And there they are, holding a glass of water with a crudely drawn smiley face on the screen. The room is mostly dark around it, and I can only make out hardwood floor and a thick, red carpet.

(gods.mistake): strings_n_roses: i'm okay i promise! i'm a healthy boy

(gods.mistake): strings_n_roses: :)

(gods.mistake) strings_n_roses: i’m with friends rhey’re takint xare of me i promise i an ok!

gods.mistake: ok ok im sorry for freaking out im sorry

I chew on my nail, biting around to the cuticles as my eyes squeeze shut. I'm overreacting again. I'm blowing up.

I tap out of the app and pull of my messaging, pulling my one of few conversations--Penny.

im losing it right now penn

its so stupid and youre gonna hate me but im losing it fuck me fuck shit fuck fuck fuck

You've texted your last fuck, buddy

It's the swearing police

I've come to ask for a recount of why on Earth you're sobbing

its stupid its so stupid im sorry

its baz hes drinking

and i panicked and messaged him a ton but im worried i pissed him off and he might hate me what if he hates me

fuck shit fuck

Do you have any basis on him hating you???

Did he text you all angry???

no but i feel it im stupid and i know it i feel it

First of all, stop

Second of all, if he's not angry, he's not angry

Third, why does this matter so much? You barely know him

thats not true we talk everyday

He's online, Si

You can lose him in a snap, why care?

Why do you even trust him so much you don't know what he looks like ://

i know what his hands look like

thats something

and just idk i trust him he seems to care

and we like the same stuff and i just

idk

i trust him

why are you talking about this again now

i thought we were over this

I said I was tired of you talking about Baz at lunch, I didn't say we were over the conversation

I'm just worried, that's all

Fuck knows you don't have someone else to worry about you over this, and he could just be some arse praying on you because you're vulnerable

People do that, you know

hes not some 80 year old creep penn

he seems as young as he says

and he doesnt use me or anything we just talk

im ok im safe i swear

hes just scaring me

Just be safe, Simon.

Something makes me jump, and it takes a full moment to register that it's Davy knocking around downstairs, doing whatever he does in his study. I should be in bed. He knows I should be in bed. He'll want me to be asleep, after all.

I tiptoe out carefully, knowing where the floor doesn't creak as I slip back into my room and in bed. The blanket's shit and scratchy, but it's something.

As I plug my mobile in, I send out a quick message to Baz, letting my embarrassment ease through while I swallow my pride.

gods.mistake: im sorry for freaking out

gods.mistake: sleep tight pls

[thearcanasucks]

(anon pls) peep how sis in the back is completely secure meanwhile this child is one wrong move away from a nip slip in that second pic (got it from the author’s personal blog used/band/aid).

you know what im fusing this submission w these asks that we got bc lol “forbidden love”

from anon:  

JFC i read that same Greek mythology comic. But i forgot the name so I couldnt warn anyone. I'm hyper aware of visual media constantly infantilizing women looks, that was my first red flag. All women in that comic look like children compared to their male counter points. Then they kept talking about an age gap but never saying what it was, which I foolishly thought was gonna be 1000 years old compared to 2000 and thus meaningless. Basically another get out of jail free card to be a freak.(Part 1

im gagging

Part 2) But it was still wrong because the dynamic being pushed was a teenage girl with a middle aged man. And the story keeps REMINDING the audience of this fact over and over while trying to make the old man look sympathetic. Characters around the two keep repeating logical reasons why it's wrong to both characters. Then it's finally revealed Persephone is still a teenager. The story goes to far to spell out everything that's wrong, grooming included. Hera who was big against this relationship

im gagging

Part 3. Hera confronts Hades with everything one laat time after "thinking about it from his perspective." Then after addressing the big problem again, Hera freaking gives Hades her blessing! (TW: sexual assault discussion.) The rape scene is barely shown directly, and the chapter comes with a long warning. But it's all from the pov of Persephone the victim talking about the experience as it happens! Wtf. What worse imo. Apollo is one of the people addressing why the age gap is wrong to Perseph.

im super fucking gagging lmfao

Part 4. End) Apollo was reasonable and offends Persephone by insulting Hades, again being in the right. Then out of no where, he reveals he was judt just jealous and had his pride hurt when Persephone didn't throw herself at him bc she liked Hades. After that Apollo is like a completely different character. Also it's revealed Hades tried to hook up with Persephone's mom Demeter! Perseph is mad for like a second. And Demeter is an abusive mom who keep her daughter locked away all her life. :)

haha oh fuck im. lmao! wow! wild! if he can’t fuck the mom he’ll fuck the daughter? whoo!

this freak thinks she’s doing anything original by glorifying grooming as ~forbidden love~ i bet! holy shit!

[ifeelsoemptysometimes]

I feel like i didn't have a very good day today. I had to dismantle my room in a frenzy, letting everyone seem my belongings amd messes which was super invasive, my dad got annoyed at me because I was cold and had the heater on and had a blanket on. He argued that it wasn't cold and that im being ridiculous. I promptly left the room angrily bc this is something that I'm always being nagged at but I am a very thin girl who weights 98 pounds so the slightest of coldness will affect me and he knows this but what ever right. Later after trying to get clothes form my closet, I heard my parents talk about the situation described earlier and called me lunatic. Which, of course, made me a bit upset. I then was walked on by the repair men as I was looking looking for clothes. It was a bit embarrassing. I later had a small panic attack due to the fire alarm going of right above me and as much as i begged it yo stop i did not so I have to run out of the house before I stared to really freak out. In the course of this I had to walk past my parents as I held in my sobs nd wailing shrieks of panic. Well they sall me and asked what was wrong and I stupidly told them that i was startled. I was able to calm down but ws still shaken. I did the mistake of walking back inside too soon and was questioned. My parents dont understand what it is to have anxiety or panic attacks so think im over reacting and that I need to "control" myself. I told them that ist not something i can just control but that i can try and calm down (which i was able to thank God) but it doesn't matter how i much i explain or protest to stupid lectures on something they knwo nothing about. They won't bother hearing me out or care to understand how i feel. After that u judt kinda shut myself away so that I won't be subject to anymore bullshit from my parents. Is about 8:30 when i finally leave the room to get something to eat and my dad find his way to where i am. I guess i have bad face on to his standards and ask me if im mad. I simply tell him that im not and only answer in grunts. He then askes me if i don't like them and if thats the case then its too bad. I simply tell him that i dont dislike them and i ignore anything else he says and go back to the room ive been cooped up in. I honestly hate it when he asks me if im mad. It like thats all he ever knows what to ask me. Like im sorry if thats what it looks like but time and time again, no im not mad. I can't change my face and I can't just be smiling all the time. That would be freaky. And its not like I actually tell him how im feeling cuz it'll only result in me getting yelled at.

I've come to the realization that my feelings and opinions don't matter in this house. There's no, "hey well if somethings wrong then let's talk it out" none of that. My role in this family to to do what im being told and to keep my mouth shut when something I dont like happens. I feel like they don't ACTUALLY care about my feelings. I just have to suck it up and with for a better day. They can beat me, scream at me, I can try to te them and cry but they won't care. They wont take my feelings. I dont think they've ever asked me about my feelings. Unless its to mock me. I wish i could move out. I wish i could go back to the dorm where I don't have to deal with them. It doesn't happen very often but its exhausting when it does. I jusy kept thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about and I just cant stop. Im tired of it. I don't know what kind of harm it does to me but its doesn't matter cuz it's not ther problem. The thing that I hate the most is that I can't just go up and talk to them about it. Like what will I say?? You guys hurt my feelings?? They'll tell me im being ridiculous and that i need to top being stupid. And ill just cry instead of acting saying anything. And that I HATE the most. That im such a cary baby. I cry for everything and I cant control it. I hate crying to much. But whatever, it doesn't even matter. I'll just wait till I cany go back to the dorms for my happy solo lifestyle.