#ILL BE FINE BECUASE IM ALWAYS FINE AND I ALWAYS FUCKING GET UP BECAUSE I HAVE TO. BUT EVERY TIME I WAKE UP FROM THE KNOCKOUT BLOW

[batqueers]

oh my God.

[helpimhopelesslyinlove]

I know its ooc for this acc, but i need to vent, or ill do something stupid and potentially dangerous, so im here, baring my soul to stangers on the internet ive never met irl before-

I think I got too close to the sun becuase I feel like I'm in a free fall rn and I can't get a hold of anything and I know I'm about to hit the ground, hard, buti don't know when or how far the ground still is or if I'm even going to land on spill ground because what if I fall into a bunch of rocks and die or fall into the ocean, I never learned to swim properly, I can BARELY keep myself afloat, and I know I'm going to die anyway from how high up I'm falling but I don't know when it's gonna be and everyone keeps telling me that I've got this all I have to do is open the parachute but the cord isn't working my parachute isn't working I don't know what to do some of the people who are supposed to be here for me are sitting on the ground watching me fall with a smile and a bucket of popcorn, the others who would catch me can't because they're all the way across the world, and I don't know what to do but everyone expects me to, I should have my life figured out already, everyone else my age seems to, why can't I, why am I like this why can't I just fly like everyone else why did my wings have to fail so miserably when my support system is down and will take at least two to three years before they're back up I need help someone send help please I need to talk to someone and I can't bc the people who'd want to can't do anything about it and the people who could help are convinced I can do it myself I hat being the oldest daughter and the oldest cousin, why do I have so many people looking up to me as a role model I'm a terrible role model if anything I'm more of a warning Hazzard don't do that sign why do all the adults keep saying I need to be perfect so my little siblings and cousins have a role model why where was my role model because my parents sure as fuck weren't it and they're always saying they didn't raise a quitter, well no shit they didn't raise me I fucking raised myself I'm at a point where I can't even talk about this out loud without crying I litterally had a three hour anxiety attack+mental breakdown and my parents still think I'm perfectly fine why did I have to move everyone's always telling me to believe in God and I have but if not a single thing I needed went right how do I keep believing I don't feel like the sky or the statues are listening anymore and I'm happy they do listen for others and I'm glad other people have a good relationship with their religions and their parents and people in general becuase I feel like crying whenever my favorite teacher used to say I did a good job at an event or said she was proud of me becuae she's said, word for word, many many times "I know it's not my place to tell you, but your parents won't, I know, so I will tell you- I'm so proud of you" and i- thank you you have no idea how much it means to me, but much as I appreciate it, you're not who I need to hear it from and it makes me cry because my culinary teachers were better parents to me in the one year I knew and had them than my parents were my entire like and I don't think that's okay, or that i should feel like crying evrytime I see my friends or anyone having a good relationship with their parents and I can't take this anymore please save me from school I know I used to complain but I've never actually hated it and now just the thought makes me feel sick and I used to love going to school and learning but now I'd litterally have take prometheus' placement eaten alive by vultures everyday than go to school again please help i can't live through another year and a half of this torture please help I can't do this please

[theautistichalflinghole]

Fanfic concepts that im like 99% sure I'll never write (because im not a writer [yet]) but im writing them down in the hopes that someone will/has

they say you should manifest what you want so im just gonna write ideas, post it when i fall asleep and then add to it later with reblogs (if any of these exist or get written please reblog or ask to let me know and I will love you forever)

a fic with any combination of kujou sara/ei/yae miko/sangonomiya kokomi where sara is injured in battle and put into a coma or some sort of vunerable life threatening status, hurt comfort obviously becuase i cannot handle unhappy endings, preferably pre relationship so some realizations can occur, this probably wouldnt be too hard to find but there are some specific scenarious I imagine within this one such as: ei finding out about saras injury and shooting across inazuma in the form of lightening to get her, a little bit of political conflict if she were to get injured in watatsumi and is in kokomis care, and i did say any conflict but preferabbly all four??

kaebedo meeting as kids (rhinedottir wants to socialize her new experiment or kaeya goes about wandering the palace and finds him, what have you) and then recognizing eachother (or only albedo doing so) when A joins the knights

ORRR consider bebe kaeya meeting a prototype of albedo (rubedo fic writers im looking at you) who looks exactly the same so he is freaking out and albedo has no fucking idea why (and then, once they start dating, rubedo shows up and does... something)

razor/bennet/fischl sic fic where bennys bad luck makes it so he and fischl have medical procedues scheduled on the same day, and everyone else except for razor are busy while theyre in recovery, cute little sic fic opportunity, this can honestly work for any sort of illness or medical issue that makes you loopy or in pain but i personally would love t4t4t where fischl and benny are both recovering from un reschedulable top surgery

i know i literally just said i hate unhappy endings but consider... xiaoven ( or honestly any ship w/ xiao but thats the one i like) where xiao always expected to die and leave venti in mourning so he pushes him away.... and then venti fucking dies (or goes into eepy time for a while if you want amiguous or happy ending)

just more venti sleep fics, but specifically venti unexpectedly goes into one of his sleeps and his partner has to wait for him, not knowing if hell wake up in a few days a few years a few hundred years or ever... also consider venti falling asleep with his partner saying theyll wait for him, and then them being long dead/gone (opportunity for a reincarnation fic) (this one defiently exists in some form with multiple ships but like... papa me want more movie, also hard to fine because like what tags do i even search for with this is there a tag for venti goes to eepy?? "a mirmir venti (genshin impact)" )

Scara ship fic (chiscara??? please???) where they truly do not remember scara at all, no random tears no familiar feelings or suspicion, hes been entierly wiped. a bit of angst and mourning from scara before he decides he cant accept this and tries to make the first move and they slowly fall in love again. (Literally every fic ive read of chiscara has childe make the first move and I understand its because scara is the most emotionally constipated man to ever be written but I feel like them already being in a relationship pre wipe+ the backstory of him having lots of time in sumeru to heal would make it not tooo ooc)

[nodadnochance]

Why my brother is an awful person.

I am childless. I am 29, 30 very soon. I am getting old!!! (i half joke, 30 is hardly old but it's not exactly young and naive anymore - or maybe i dunno, i am naive and just don't realize it, right?) My brother is mid to late 30s, probably around 36 or 37. He has 3 children. He has left them.

I think he is scum. Would it of been so hard for him to stick around for the next decade so his kids can become old enough to have had their development process happen with their dad in their lives? Physically.

He now is living back at home with my mum, he sees his kids 2-4 times a week. Which is more than a lot of kids have. But it still makes me angry. Why Angry? Why do I care what my brother does with his family? His kids? I care because it's the same fucking cycle.

Our dad left us, now he has done the same to them.

And now those kids are struggling.

Look, Im not saying itsall his fault. but its all his fault. Actually, it really was his fault. He cheated on his wife. then he had the gall to say "well she kicked me out". fuck you! You put the pressure on her to decide how to relationship goes so that you could blame her for breaking things up.

By contrast, my mother cheated on my father - but my mother has never blamed my father for leaving. She always says she is to blame and i say to her "no your not". I have yet to tell her "look, you stuck around. He didn't. Whether anyone cheated or not, is not really relevant to me as a child - I didn't care if anyone cheated. i just wanted my parents with me growing up"... i will tell her next time she eludes to this sentiment...

It makes me angry because I see how my neices and nephews are struggling to cope wit this big change. They are probably ages 8 tto around 13. Maybe bit younger. They are not enjoying this. I had my neices kicking and stamping on MY feet in the supermarket just before christmas 2023.... now, they were playing, just messing around - right? But think about it like this. I look like my brother, i sound like him, i am similar to him. Were they taking out aggression on their father through me? It's a possibility. They don't deserve to lose their dad just cos he wanted to go "have fun".

And now look. He is living back home with me and my mother. He is with his new girlfriend. He is playing in a band. He has a job he loves (he struggled to find this job). He is doing so well for himsefl! but hey, guess what - Your kids are not. They miss you. You absolute cretin.

When you have kids, you dont get to "have fun". You dont get to just fuck off with another women. When you have kids, you stick around and raise them. EVERY DAY. Every morning, evening evening and night time. Every weekend. All the time. They are your everything for that 18-20 year period. Once they are all grown up and on their way to move out (once they start having a plan for their 20s) THEN you can fuck off and go "be happy" Let me explain why I think like this. He wants to enjoy his late 30s and 40s right? sure. fine. We all deserve to be happy. But in exchange for his hpapiness now, he has doomed all three of his children to a life of abandonment. Or misery. of Feeling unloved and unwelcome on this earth. Why? Because the one person who should've stuck around, didn't. They wont care about his relationship with his wife. They wont care about the excuses. They wont listen and they wont care. What they care about is the love for them didn't win over his hatred for his wife or his inability to make things work.

this world is full of people who make excuses for their shitty decisions. And his excuse is "well she wanted me gone" so he can lay the blame on her becuase he cheated. In reality he is gone becuase he fucked another women when he had 3 kids at home.

I hope one day he can just admit to himself, if not his kids - that their childhood is ruined because of him.

It's what happened to me. And it's whats happening to them.

I don't truly have any ill intention or feeling towards my brother as a person. But my need to speak up for his kids, who probably are unable to process what is going on, triumphs. It's disgusting that they probably take decades to figure out why the feel so awful - just as it has been for me and all 3 of my brothers. We all feel it.This brother in question will deny how much it effected him - but it's clear as day. He is still suffering from the "being lied to" problem which i wrote about in my last post. He still thinks "well dad was kinda around, he did his best" and he still puts the feelings of our Dad and step mum before his own. He never has spoken about how it effected him. EVER. and by not speaking it meant he didn't understand and now he has done to them what happened to him,me and all my brothers.

If i said any of this to him, he'd defend my dad and step mum. He'd deny my feelings and say "you cannot feel that way, because if you feel that thne tat upsets dad" and so again, it'll be that my dads feelings and my stepmums feeling comes before mine. The story of my life since I was 6 years old.

I know I probably come across as very strident or aggressive here. but you must understand (if anyone is reading?). I have kept this all bottled up since a child. I've been through a lot of emotional suffering over the past 23 years. And it's all becoming clear to me why. and I need to write this stuff out as naturally as I can. It's time I started being honest with my feelings, right? And not being scared of being told off for hurting someone elses feelings.

I was lied to. Dad didn't "stick around". he left me. He doesn't give a shit. You could say he simply doesn't understand and is ignorant of the effect it had on me. but im sick and tired of making excuses for him. I am upset, angry and feel abandoned by him.

And every friend of mine that didn't have their dad, is like me. We all yhave the same fucking emotional problems, same fucked up drug dependancies, same feelings of fear and nnot feeling loved by anyone. My frined says he only feels love from his dogs. Which you could "well thats pretty normal". and if you say that, fuck you. He is a human and he has a heart of gold. He does feel loved, but it has to be re-inforced constantly for him to feel it. And when he gets in abusive relationships - he thinks he deserves that abusive relationshp. Why? Becuase when your dad leaves you when your young, it creates this deep rooted feeling of feeling unloved and worse - unlovable. IF you in your most infant state is not lovable, then you could never be lovable.

Being an adult and seeing how adults disregard the feelings of those who are too young to understand - kills me. It happened to me, i know what its like.

I am childless, so what do I know right? Well, what I know is that since I started being honest about how I feel about my Dad - my mental health "therapy" has made a lot of progress. I've learnt that the link between me and all my fked up friends is the no dad present. I've learnt the reason I gravitate towards bad guys, is I have no fucking dad.

In fact, I was reading about "this is england" earlier and it mentioned their something about how the character in the story, has no dad. And it's this lack of a father figure that leads people down these awful roads.

I watched so much fucked up shit over the past 10 years. Nothing illegal of course but just right wing crap. I never believed I was racist nor homophobic or anything - in fact, i found it all just funny. I never once agreed with the bigots - but I wanted to be around them (on podcats and such). I wanted to be part of that "thing". I wanted to belong. I wanted to be apart of something which wouldn't just abandoned me.

This is my life. It's my emotions.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions or what I've done just as I wouldn't give them credit for the good things I've done. However, my life is one where I never spoke about my feelings towards my Dad because of early childhood experiences where I was taught to not express myself or talk about how I feel. Where as my sister, who is my dads daughter - is always encouraged to talk about her feelings and how she feels.

So that is proof that HE HAS IT WITHIN HIM. but not for me.

I want to write the words. I hate him. I don't mean hate, but I don't know how else to express the dislike I have for how he has denied my emotions all my life. I don't want to hurt him, emotionally, but I want him to understand the hurt I feel. How the hell do I tell him the hurt I feel without accidently hurting him? That is the challenge I face.

Another thing I'm angry at my dad and step mum for is the way they turned me against my mum. They always talk so badly of her and they plaed on the fact I didn't ge ton with her fully. If I argued with her, they'd encouage me to move out and get away from her and suc hthings.

They didn't try to help heal my relationship with my mum, they stoked the flames all under the guise of being my friend.

That's my mum and my mum ALWAYS has had my back. from day 1 to today. I literally will hand her £100 rent (which is absolutely fuck all) and she'll hand me back £50. That's my mum. She is 1 in a million. and the fact they cant see how amazing she is, makes me well, i dont care actually - thats their loss. But it makes me angry they thought they could turn me against her.

it makes me angry they always talk about her in a negative light when im there. and they talk about her likes shes stupid or just too angry or unstable. They are nasty little bullies and i guess, sometimes, we buddy buddy up with bullies without realising it.

That women, my step mum, is a homewrecker. Plain and simple.

and it feels good to finally admit thats how i feel

I would never say these things to their face. As iI say, I do not want to hurt them (emotionally or ofc otherwise. violence is not my MO. I attacked 2 people n my life when I was a child and I was defending friends who were being bullied - i regret both instances as I felt embaressed for letting myself lose control)

/ I wouldn't want my dad nor step mum to be upset. But I'd love them to know how I feel.

I'd love my brother to know how it feels. He was a child too, he should know. But he just pretends like it doesn't effect him. I know he has feelings, his problem is he is a coward. But then so am I and so are all my brothers. We're all cowrads. Scared to tell our dad what he did to us fucked up us royally. He fucked off with another women to start a new family... and then his new child, my half-sister, has a life full of love, understanding and everything a child needs. They take interest in her life.

He nevre took interest in our life. In fact my mum had to force him to go to my college open evening and he was complaining the whole time. I wish he didn't come. I remember him getting in the car and saying something like "I bet ur mother said i dont care. right?" and made a joke about it... setting the tone for the evening that it's all about HIM and HIS feelings.

"fuck you" is what i should've said to him.

but i was scared.

maybe next time ill write about the time he attacked me. it only happened one time, but it was fucking terrifying.

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

everyone says im fucking annoying. maybe i am.

3/14/23

i tried being nice and being considerate. i dont want much i just wan someone to care and acknowledge me. im tired of being the stupid one, the one who has to consider ive tried so god damn hard to make it easy for you people but every thinf i do seems to annoy you i feel like every time i try to talk to you you start getting annoyed and maybe youre right and im spoiled and im a brat i wont do that anymore, i’ll try my god damn hardest to not leave a trace in this house . since being in your presence seems too much for you i try not asking for anything anymore. i’ll stop complaining i’ll keep everything to myself. you want that right? i wont be a bother anymore. iltt stop trying to care for you or beg for your praise and affection. i can look for it by myself.  why is making a suggestion about my birthday such a big deal for you i can do whatever i want on “MY” birthday why does me talking about it piss you off. fine i wont celebrate my goddamn rbirth and iwont celebrate it again. i wont care anymore about whattever. ill be out of your way. im sorry im even alive and pullking you dfown and im such a waste of space and im an obese trash elepphant ‘who cant stop eating and whos spoiled and a bitch with no manners and cant do anything right i cant do anything at all and i should never have fucking existed i keep wishing that i nevere existed. every second of every day i wish you to be happy and to just let me not exist anymore.

i cant keep wishing because nothing ever fucking happens i wish i just died when i could, every near death experience i hope it killed me and i hope i never s here. i hate being in a place where everyone and everything i do is considered wrong and im always wrong and always bad and always a bitch whos spoiled and a child. i want to die. and its  not a joke anymore. i just want someone to love me and understand that i make shit thats not good and that i dont always say the right things and that im always trying my best to be considerate. but being considerate is not enough for everyone. im already ugly and im already fat and stupid if i just died everyone would forget about me in a week and in a yer everything will be better for everyone becuase i am just a dumb rock thats a burden to them and if i go then my sister will have her oen room and all my parents love and they can finally give her the care she deserves. if i go D could finally be happy with her new friends and let go of our group to be herself. F and H will be fine . E and H and A will be too. im not a big part of their lives, C and A will have forgotten me by now. and my parents have one less problem now, they can focus on my sister, and after she moves out theyll be free from the horrible kid they have. ill be free from putting myself esteem as high as how others apreciate me. because everything i am is what evereybody else thinks of me. and im nothing no one will remember me in a year . i die now. i wish i died now i wish i just fell asleep and died. im so sorry to the people whos lives i disturbed i hope you guys will ignore all my shit and all the crap i put you through it must have been so so annoying. i wish i died back then. and i wish i die here and maybe i can gain enough courage this year. who knows i sure hope i do. i dont think i can handle life. to the new friends i made im sorry you had to put up with me . im really sorry mom and dad im sorry your second kid is a piece of shit who cant do anything and always humiliates you and annoys you .. i wish i wasnt here too and i wish i was dead so long ago. i hope truly one day i can finally go through with something and maybe thats the only thing i can get right..

[hmaperscarlett]

fine, ill give you my story. i mean, i dont really care anymore.

ok so, when i first started seeing peanut i was like hes so sweet omg, and we were always minding our own business, despite you being annoying telling him i was manipulating him or whatever which i would never fucking do. nevertheless we went out in a date and then he left, and you know i understood that. and i didnt mind. i get it. so he came back and stuff and we were talking again and we planned out a date and everything, peanut is so sweet, always with the gifts. and then carli, this girl showed up. she was interested in me, and since peanut hadnt asked me to be his gf yet, in my mind, we were still just seeing each other meaning we weren’t exclusive. so i went to plan out a date with this girl, becuase even though i did and still do care about peanut, she had also caught my eye. i began to care about her and plan a date for her, before me and peanut went on our date. (which i had already gotten ready for). then, this bitch starts telling peanut im “unloyal” when i thought we werent exclusive. because when your seeing someone, you are allowed to see other people in the meantime. it also helps to make sure i want to become peanuts gf and commit to him. and only him. peanut,,apparently thought otherwise. he left in the middle of our date. and that bitch started to call me a cheater, when i am definitely not. and she was totally trying to blame me, too. i tried explaining myself to peanut, and even promised to be exclusive, but i think he was totally upset and said he wasnt ready to date anymore. since i still care about him, i said when he was ready again, i would love to take him out, on me. it really sucks because i genuinely cared about carli and peanut. carli just totally flipped around on me. you and carli didnt help either telling peanut to disengage with me. and it hurts. because i really did care about peanut and i thought he’s sweet and thoughtful and handsome, and it was ruined by what i would deem as a miscommunication. and i feel bad too, even if i didnt mean any harm, because the guy that i care about is sad. so yeah. thats what happened from my point of view.

what the actual hell is going on anymore

[animalinvestigator]

sending another ask in response because the reply function does Not anticipate my wordiness!!! always fine to post me publicly usually btw and if not ill try to say so ^_^

BUT yeah i rlly rlly like the message of change not always needing to be bad i used to be so so so scared of and anti-change all the time and like. its a good message.

though i was also considering earlier today that for mike’s death, whatever it may be (i dont think its important to actually figure it out with what specificallt happened for this), maybe it was a lack of change that lead to his death? like rainer said, you can never have mike a back so i was thinking maybe mike’s family was trying to act like nothing changed, its still mike a and refusinf to address it and lead to his death in some way. and this could fuel rainer’s resentment for the family (fuck you all and fuck me as well, u get the idea) and kind of further cements to him his very negative views and also why he specificallt mentioned theres a better chance of helping care b or nlm. jus smth i was thinking abt!

(also was trying to decide how to think abt the lines from scop 3 if u have any thoughts! not far in my own thinking abt it though: “When you find her room, the passage to my right will lead to her.She'll appear from the darkness, limping, and I'll shoot her in the head.” my thinking is the first ‘her’, at least, is lina because there Is a passage to the right in her room in the library and also it does say “You found her” b4 said room which seems telling. was thinking POSSIBLY the second half of the quote is referring to paul/care MMMMAYBE showing up in the ensuing rooms to the right as he is walking around in game in the dark? but could maybe have a double or different meaning with that latter half of the quote idk lol. its not like an especially super important specific part i dont think? but i find it interesting)

put this under the cut cos it got long ^o^ lots to talk abou there!!!!

definitely! i feel like "being unwilling to make meaningful change" seems to be at the heart of a lot of the horrible failures to protect vulnerable parties that define the mark hammond leskowitz family tree. theres a malignancy in the family that it takes 10000 tragedies for the other parties to address, and i think its pretty clear to me that a lot of rainer's resentment comes from that inaction. he pretty clearly feels like the family has failed, and i think their biggest failure is willful ignorance and unwillingness to change until it's way too late. The "if you think they're worth the effort" in care a's description just kind of oozes with that specific kind of resentment-- like 'since you didn't seem to care at all when it happened to mike' kind of thing. so TLDR i took a very similar thing away from it! i dont think we need to know exactly what happened to know that whatever happened, rainer feels like mike was failed somehow. i could spend about 200 years talking about rainer but i wont. Actually im going to write another paragraph talking about him right now so i just lied. the note in cares room is one of the densest pieces of writing in the entire series and theres 100000 things i could say about it. WRT to the line you pointed out specifically, i definitely think that line in particular is talking about lina as well !!! because the passageway in her room is exactly where it describes, paralell to the child library text, etc etc etc. the latter half of the quote could be referring to pretty much anyone. personally i read it as a continuation of the thought about lina becuase the mention of her limping is consistent with his constant drawing paralells between her and mike's dog who specifically broke its leg, but i definitely don't think it's a stretch at all to say its talking about care because the same paralells are drawn between HER and the dog as well and because she is the character that he talks about "pulling out of the darkness" in addition to the thing you pointed out about her wandering in the literlaly dark gameworld (see care b text below)

it could go either way, i definitely don't think defining specifically who it is changes his intent much, but its interesting to try to dissect what exactly he meant by this, espescially because its so like cynical and hopeless. the fact that the portions where he's talking about lina and the portions where he's talking about care kind of blend together into the same thought are pretty telling in and of themself, too.

lots of dubiousness with that particular chunk of writing because i think a lot of his intent behind it cant really be determined unless we know where along the timeline it is -- it almost definitely was written after care got home from the school, but thats a bit antagonistic to rainer's loose attitude of hope towards helping her at the time. ive had a lot of heated discussions on the subject of timeline stuff relating to this piece and i dont think there's really any way to determine, but its definitely really interesting either way n_n

[corruptedsilence]

.

i know its my depression saying this but i just

i feel so useless here. i feel pointless, i feel so upset and angry at myself because im so angry at the fact i dont or cant ever just feel good enough. i forget so much and it makes me forget just how much i have and i come of as ungrateful and i just dont know what to do

ive hurt people because im so stupid, my emotions getting the better of me nad i cant do anything right here. im jumping blogs hoping it’ll fix something but no matter what its still just me, its still just the shit person i am who can’t get her fucking act together and do anything. maybe i should just yeet myself out, i dont know where i belong, i dont know where to go, im so stressed and i just wish i could sleep but if i dont do something ill only be more angry because i couldnt do what i love

i feel so isolated some days but i know its my own fault because i dont reach out and i just dont click with people because i cant socialize and i get so anxious thinking im always a burden, im always a problem people have to deal with so its better i just dont show up so everyone can have fun, its not like i contrubute anything to anyone anyway. maybe one or two people but even then they’d still do fine without me here, everyone would, because it always feels like whenever im gone i miss everything but when im here everyone is gone so i barely feel like im her at all.

im so tired, overworked, stressed, i just want to stay home and cry all day

but i cant because i cant just acll in, i have to call in monday becaus they keep scheduling me on days i have therapy and im tired of rescheduling and rescheduling and fighting for my own fucking right to get help

this is exactly what i wanted to avoid, depression posting but i guess i just cant help myself becuase i just feel alone and i just want someome here but i know no one can do anything because its my own issue

[thebigqueer]

hiii! could you write a fic/headcanons of leo, nico and will. i had no idea that was a ship until recently and i love it!!! and i want to read how they get together. in my mind solangelo is already dating (bc leo is in no condition to date after canon) and after leo comes back (after toa5) they became friends and eventually they confess to leo (when he already got over calypso and is better emotionally y'know?). no pressure if you don't feel like writing this tho :)))

hhhh anon im sorry i absolutely would love to write this for you into like an actual fic but it takes me a long time to write fics :(

but! i can def give you headcanons! after all they’re like fics but in outline form and much less grammatically correct! but if i do make a fanfic, i’ll be sure to post it. maybe you’ll like it! can’t make any promises i’d write it anytime soon though cuz i have a few more projects on the line but you know... i’m def considering making one after everything i’ve written in this post...

okay exactly yes i totally agree that leo only gets with them after he’s emotionally stable & after toa5

this is straying from soldezangelo a little but i made a post here about what i personally think should have happened w/ leo’s ending in HoO, if you’re interested in reading it. i’m gonna make the following bullet points based on that

but tldr: i’m just basically saying that i wish caleo ended up leaving ogygia as friends so that leo didn’t get that forced romance on him

so he stays at the waystation for a while with calypso (only as friends; like they’re staying there and are really adorable friends) and all the while he’s really thinking only about himself and his well-being. he goes back to high school and keeps up with that project he’s doing w/ other kids and giving them opportunities to make things (GOD THAT WAS SO CUTE)

then leo decides that maybe for the winter, he’ll go back for a trip (i also hc that piper and percy and annabeth go to chb for the same winter so that some of the seven see each other!)

there, he meets will and nico, but i think mostly he’s interested in talking w/ nico. so they talk a lot. nico expresses how angry they were for leo dying like that and scaring everyone, and leo says he’s sorry but he had to. i think this also provides nico and leo the perfect opportunity to talk about jason, since they were both really good friends with him. and nico also understands that it was leo’s decision and his sacrifice. but they also talk about how leo’s sacrifice kind of... felt weird. since in the end, they still lost the storm but the fire lived on (ehehhehe idk if that made sense but i was tryna be smart lakjsdlfkj) 

i think that opportunity ultimately provides nico and leo to get along a LOT better with each other, and they both realize that they actually have been through a lot of similar feelings. by which i mean theyre both so fuckin mentally unstable and they relate to one another.

nico talks about how he’s been in a relationship with will for a while, and leo’s happy for him, really. but i think a small part of him is jealous, too. not because “oh god here’s another couple im supposed to worry about after ive just started getting over this ingrained idea of needing romance to solve all my issues and feeling like i belong,” but more because i think leo’s always been a little attracted to nico since they were on the argo II with each other. i don’t think he ever acted on those feelings, especially since a lot of the people on that ship were more judgmental towards nico and he probably felt like he had to be as well (by the way, none of this is an excuse to leo’s treatment of nico, or, by extension, an excuse for anyone’s treatment of nico on the argo II.)

leo apologizes to nico about how he treated him, and nico smiles and tells him it’s fine. like, nico has had his own bout of personal growth as well, especially in the past year. he doesn’t - and won’t - forget how people treated him, but now he’s learning to just let it go, in a sense. 

and i think this is when leo and nico kind of develop underlying feelings for each other. 

leo and nico probably hang out a lot, but will also joins becuase he’s nico’s boyfriend, and nico loves to have him tag along. so i think leo feels a little intimidated by will, like “damn my crush is really just bringing along their boyfriend huh??” 

and leo’s like. so jealous. like “ugh why does this hot golden ray of sunshine have to ruin everything. why is he always around. he’s so fucking distracting. like hello i’m trying to simp for nico but he’s so gorgeous for the both of us.” and then it hits leo that oh wait oh fuck he actually likes both of them and that “intimidation” he was feeling was mostly just him being attracted LMAO

leo and will get a bit closer through nico, and then i think the two of them are like very joke-y with each other, and they totally connect with each other about texas and being absolute fucking NERDS (since they are both canonically absolute dumbass nerds HSDHFSLFKDJ)

and leo’s struck with how cute he is omG 

and then nico’s like “wow they’re both so glowy aslkdjffdj HHHHH” 

and then will’s like “damn they’re both so dark and mysterious” 

and also not to mention they all totally relate about mental illnesses, abandonment issues, and the like. i mean, after everything that’s happened to all three of them (since will has been through like two wars, has lost two brothers, and has probably lost a lot of lives and feels guilty for it) they probably really relate to each other about always feeling... this dark uncomfortableness inside them. a void. they get really deep about mental health, and i think nico actually suggests to both of them that they should all talk to dionysus, just like he does (because, as we all fucking know, love cannot fix mental health and it doesn’t matter how much they’re all attracted to each other, they will not cure each other just because they’re in love) 

i think somewhere in the relationship between will and nico, a tension starts to build up a little. they’re not really sure how to exactly deal with teh fact that they like leo (and neither of them actually admits it to the other because they like the other as well and they really are not in the mood for a “”””love triangle”””)

but the funny thing is, they probably all talk about it with dionysus in their separate times. and Mr. D is just. he’s so done. 

SLKDJFKLSDHFLJSDKFSDKJFSFDLJK - Mr. D falling asleep at night thinking about this soldezangelo thing because he thinks it’s really funny that they all like each other but don’t wanna admit it

he totally suggests that nico and will talk about it together, and after lots of hesitation, will is probably the first one to come outright and say that he likes leo as well. and nico’s like “OMG WHAT ME TOO. like i really like you but i also really like leo...”

so they’re both actually really relieved, because they didn’t really want to break up with each other but they didn’t really want to keep lying to each other, either. 

and they tell leo, and then leo’s so happy because lKJSDFJLSLDFK YALL I LIKED YOU FOR THE LONGEST TIME

and bada-bing, bada-boom, ya got yourself a little soldezangelo!!!! 

i hope you liked that!!! i’m actually tempted to make this into a fic now, but since it’s already in headcanon form is there a point? hmm... imma think on this though. thank you SO MUCH for the ask!!!

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

to the anon that sent me an essay, this is for you

to everyone else, idk what this is

from anon:

here are a few things ive thought of to an obsessive level but these are completely non-bts related so u can choose to skip it. hell, you knew u that already.

1. before becoming parents or after emerging into adulthood everyone should be sent to therapy. sometimes i question if it is to fill the gaps their childhood has blown wide open that adults have children. or is it to fulfill some moral responsibility they have to simply reproduce. if its the first, to think about it, is kind of fucked up. you are depriving your child a stable future, creating replicas of exactly what you suffered, if u are not stable yourself.

You know, probably. People have kids for a number of reasons, not all if them good. I am a product of such a cycle, generations that used physical and emotional punishment on their own children to lash out their frustrations in life. The easiest one to bully is the offspring you made, because they don't know any better. They think that's how life is, because that's how life always was. I suffer for it, all the time. But, you know, therapy does nothing if you don't want it. You have to be willing to listen to be helped.

Most people are not willing to listen or change. That's the big problem.

2. its sad how the whole ' one in a million ' concept is staring at me. haruki murakami said mediocrity is constant. that thought haunts me everyday becuase of how many people are just a sea of faceless creatures as the world decides which one is the outlier. its the scariest thing i have ever felt, but it is inevitable. mediocrity should be normalized. there is an exorbitant amount of pressure in youth to produce and create and every other teenager is doing mun and every other adult is in the medical field, but at the cost of what? sure, you just saved the world, but did you save yourself?

Everyone is in outlier which makes nobody special. Society has slowly but surely created the idea that people need to be better than others, the idea that "better" must exist. To want more. And why is that?

Money.

Why is everyone pressured to make a product? To monetize their hobbies? To "do work you love"? Why is this the ideal? Because someone wants to profit from you. Someone is always greeding for more, more, so they make you feel this need as well, feeding off your futile attempts to be the "prefect you" but the perfect you doesn't exist. Why is it that every outlier put on a pedestal feels disillusioned / pressured or greedy / selfish? Because you've been tricked, feeling sad and deflated that you can't achieve something that isn't real.

3. middle class. im part of it. we're probably the most entitled section of society there is. it is so amusing to me how we have basically everything we need to survive but always want more. its weird how the poorer sections dont have time to think about their lives at the stake of capitalist countries, while we're here thinking about everything in our day that has harmed us, complaining about shit that isnt even required to survive. my mind is bursting because im literally fucking typing / this / because i have the privilege to and im STILL . doing . it .

Entitled? Everyone feels entitled. Not just middle class. You think rich people don't want more? Pfft. Everyone wants more, simply because that's what were trained to think. Everything around us is always asking you to want more, tying your worth to what you have instead of what you are. Your worth equating to material possessions has been taught to you all your life from the media, all for the sake of profit. The worst is when they turn your own morals and ethics on you to monetize that as well.

4. i hope i dont forget everything that has ever happened to me. not because i'd want to hold it over peoples head. but because i really dont want to grow ignorant. i dont want to have hollow opinions and i dont want to live a life where its easy to be just as. i dont want to be in a herd of sheep.

You will forget. Neurons die all the time. It's a known fact memories get disorganized, remade, and blended with fantasy. You are organic, an imperfect machine. Even your memories are imperfect, only focusing on specific things and not the whole picture because human brains focus on what's important and not what is. This is a survival tactic and it's what causes you to polarize one way or another. Even you, telling me this right now, you are declaring "I want things to only be this way".

But, you know.

"Polarization is the ugliest flower in the world."

Your past and memory is not the only thing that shapes opinions. Agreeing with others is not being a sheep. Are you a sheep because you agree killing an innocent as a police officer is not okay? Sometimes ignorance is okay. You don't have to know everything. Sometimes it's better not to.

5. im really jealous of bts sometimes. its fucking insane. theyre so successful but they have and continue to endure so much shit from the world. passion. passion is the word i want to chop up and throw into a blender and smother in a fire. they have it. and i dont. they are so hardworking. its something ill never be.

They don't have to do anything. They can quit at any time. They choose not to for many reasons. You choose how much you can take and how much is too much. You chose who you are. There are many hardworking, passionate people you don't know, because they don't want to be known. Passion, hard work, these things exist in many forms, and not all of it is so exposed like it is with BTS.

And let's face it, not all of those things can be good. They said so themselves.

6. i think we should really stop saying 'well if u were in their place what would u have done'. we cant do what we havent been given the chance to experience. we cant think about what we wouldve done because we have lived our lives NOT doing it. i am living my life only one which way and there is no other way i can know yet.

We say this to help others realize that prespective is importamt. It is not about actually living it, but having the empathy to understand and see from another person's eyes. No one is asking you to be Dr. Strange and live all 5 million possibilities. You can think someone's actions / words are wrong but, in that moment, they didn't think that, either because they grew up a certain way or because certain things happened to them. You don't have to live the experience to have some level of understanding, even if imperfect.

im sorry for this brain dump , i dont really have anyone else im willing to talk to and i completly understand if u skip this. hope ur fine tho and taking care. love ur works !

I'm an INTJ. My brain never turns off. It's a curse. But thank you for enjoying my writing! Hope you liked this too LOL

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 86

[Date: 16/03, 10:14 PM GMT - 16/03, 10:45 PM GMT]

[Direct continuation of pt 85]

[Maxwell: "youre not looking out for me"]

Baroness: "Oh, but i am! i just want to make sure that things are blooming nicely. :)"

Maxwell: "quit it with the flower jokes bitch"

Baroness: "Mona, i'm sure you can find some more medicine for max in one of those first aid kits you have. How about you go check? :)"

Little-K1ng: "i c-...one. .. of those..? wait i.."

donti(e): "whats wrong mona”

Little-K1ng: "how does she know i have more than one first aid kit

they're under the sinks"

Baroness: ":)"

Renboo: "i thought it was very abvious she's watching you guys constantly"

donti: "she watches you.."

Little-K1ng: "yeah but... i dont go under the sink?"

Jack: "pfft. haha"

Little-K1ng: "the first aid kits dont get cracked into unless i like, need something out ofthem"

Jack: "that is funny, actually"

Little-K1ng: "i keep bandaids and other stuff out"

Jack: "no offense"

Renboo: "ok were else would you keep 1st aid kits- and whos to say she hasnt been in your house-"

Maxwell: "how the fuck is this funny jack"

Little-K1ng: "no fair its a little funny in retrospect that ive been keeping them stocked like that but like... unless she, personally, has been in here theres no way for her to know they're there

or whats in them"

Jack: "i don't know. "its fucking creepy to watch people" this and “Jack, my friend, my pal, i know you're concerned!” that. it's a little funny."

Maxwell: "god this is so much happening at once"

[Jack: "i don't know. "its fucking creepy to watch people" this and “Jack, my friend, my pal, i know you're concerned!” that. it's a little funny."]

Renboo: "wel you're not wrong-"

[Little-K1ng: “or whats in them”]

Baroness: “It's important to know what your family has stocked. You never know when you may need something!”

Little-K1ng: "dont take shit out of my kits what the fuck

hang on i uh i have to go and check them"

Maxwell: "....."

Little-K1ng: "itll be the one thing i need thats missing

oh ow fuck my head

got really bad vertigo when i stood up fmdghdf"

Jack: "uh huh. is there anything blooming behind your ears, by chance."

Little-K1ng: "feeling around, im coming up empty handed

no weird little metal buds from me

ive just been on/off sick the last few weeks"

Little-K1ng: "im normally really healthy, but the florescent lights at work have been killing my head

ill keep an eye out and keep you guys updated, at least my eyes work somewhat now

for now ive gotta go check some kits <:)"

Baroness: "Well, i must be off now. Before i make my leave, i shall leave you with a poem. :) 

fair flower, that dost so comely grow, 

hid in this silent, dull retreat, 

untouch'd thy honey'd blossoms blow, 

unseen thy little branches greet."

Baroness: "I will see you all soon. :)"

fetch: “...

what the fuck is she doing here.”

Renboo: “hey fetch”

Little-K1ng: “FETCH?”

Maxwell: “fetch?”

Baroness: "...hmm?

fetch: “get back here gets back here GET BACK HERE GET THE FUCK BACK HERE”

Maxwell: “FETCH”

fetch: “YOU ARENT FUCKING LEAVING. NOT IN ONE PIECE YOU GOD DAMN”

Little-K1ng: “WHAT

FETCH”

Maxwell: “HE JUST--”

Little-K1ng: “FETCH GET OUT OF THE WOODS YOU F

okay”

Little-K1ng: “okay i”

Maxwell: “He almost fucking tackled her holy shit”

fetch: “QUIT RUNNING AND MAKE THIS EASIER.”

Little-K1ng: “im gonna go get the kits just to patch up the hilarious injuries hes gonna come back with”

Renboo: “if he comes back”

Maxwell: “hes going to come back”

donti (e): “FETCH DON t”

Renboo: “fetch is running after baroness, into the woods, where the court's mansion probably is, now where do you think baroness is trying to run to”

Zo: “good luck fetch!”

Maxwell: “he wouldnt go that far its fine”

fetch: “NO NO NO YOU DONT GET TO RUN AWAY FROM ME”

Renboo: “ehh its always a possibility”

Little-K1ng: “........okay, the kits are there, just very obviously moved and sifted through. nothings taken

which SUCKS because the bandaids are ORGANIZED BY SIZE”

Baronness: “Fetch...! you should really... Take it easy on yourself! even dogs... Need their rest!”

Little-K1ng: “fetch go fuckin bite her she fucked with my bandaids”

Maxwell: “HA”

Renboo: “listen baroness i can forgive the stalking- but un-organizing the band-aids? are you serious?”

Little-K1ng: “my BANDAIDS”

fetch: “STOP RUNNING.”

Maxwell: “GET HER MAN WOOOOO aw shit ow yelling just hurt my head fucks....”

Baroness: “ow that hurt!”

Little-K1ng: “yes migraine is still here please dont yell”

fetch: “YEAH THATS RIGHT. IT BETTER HURT.”

Maxwell: “Go fetch go!”

fetch: “i need to keep up. i can't let her get away. I need t. to.”

Jack the Observer: “don't hurt her. she looks a lot like an old friend”

Little-K1ng: “fetch okay chill”

Renboo: “listen as much as most people want you to, i dont think beating up a court member will end well”

Maxwell: “fetch its alright now”

Little-K1ng: “if i have to go out into the woods and drag you home im going to walk very slowly just to spite you”

donti (e): “fetch you shouldnt hurt her too much :(”

Maxwell: “ha....yeah and i uh still need to talk to you about something fetch”

fetch: “...”

[fetch: “i need to keep up. i can't let her get away. I need t. to.”]

Baroness: “I'll see... You soon...! :)”

Jack: “do not hurt her”

Little-K1ng: “max,, if its about what i think it is ill handle it later, okay?”

[Baroness: “I'll see... You soon...! :)”]

fetch: “you better stay the fuck away.

i'm coming back home.”

Maxwell: “are you sure? he was in deep denial earlier”

[fetch: “you better stay the fuck away.]

Baroness: “:)”

Maxwell: “its why he left”

Little-K1ng: “yeah no ill handle it max"

fetch: “i nicked her a little. not enough.”

Jack: “enough.”

Jack the Observer: “that was enough.”

Little-K1ng: “fetch come home we need to have a chat about what happened earlier

and i do not want to have to go get you”

fetch: “i said I'm coming home. jesus fucking christ jack quit breathing down my neck.”

Renboo: “oh my god if you two start fighting-”

Jack the Observer: “you don't fucking hurt her, and we're good.”

Maxwell: “.....”

fetch: “god whats your deal. she isn't syd.

just because she looks like her doesn't mean anything.”

Jack the Observer: “she doesn't just look like her

and besides.”

Maxwell: “theres a difference between her and syd like there is between me and page and fetch and knight”

donti (e): “yea but its still her body”

fetch: “i'm not having this conversation. mona needs to talk to me. later.”

Jack: “fuck you guys, by the way.”

Renboo: “fuck you too!<3″

Little-K1ng: “no thats fair”

Jack the Observer: “i almost prefer Baroness.”

Little-K1ng: “well you would

in a light hearted sense, its hard to separate the court member from the friend you know”

Maxwell: “....”

[Jack the Observer: “i almost prefer Baroness.”]

Renboo: “that's a bit harsh innit-”

Jack the Observer: “no, not really.

i said "nearly". im already being generous.”

Renboo: “i dont see why you care for syd so much, it's rather silly in my opinion”

Jack the Observer: “...

okay.”

Renboo: “its not even syd at this point”

Jack the Observer: “...

...

...

alright.

im leaving.”

Renboo: “like sure they share a body but they arent the same person”

Little-K1ng: “jesus jack you scared me for a second there”

Renboo: “oh- ok bye!”

Maxwell: “.....

fuckin' 'ell”

Jack the Observer: “don't act like I'm your friend just becuase we're on the "same side"

[i leave]”

[dbzebra]

☕️ OH YKNOW WHAT AT THAT NOTE? Talk about that dbs broly movie cuz yknow. That’s a hot topic of the ages that folk feel particularly really strongly about

ooooh ive been waiting for this one. We watched this together on discord so you know my general feelings but Im happy i got this ask lol.

putting this under read more cause it gets long 

The new movie that everyone seems to love and adore.... that I dont. It was a pretty middle of the ground, meh overrated af movie. Not bad, just nothing special. I enjoyed watching it sure, but not something I have an inkling to return to anytime soon if ever. It was just ‘there’ for me. 

First, I’ll say the good stuff. The visuals looked really pretty. Nobody was THAT out of character of the existing cast (save for the ending), which i feel weird to have to even mention it as a positive, but nothing really stood out to me as a defining moment for the little cast we had besides Goku’s “youre not a bad guy, i can tell” or w/e. SUPER SAIYAN 1 IS STILL GOAT. It looked soooo good in this movie i wish we couldve kept it the whole time instead of Blue. But i will say, Blue looked much better in this movie than the series. The darker-blue with the lighter blue eyes was a nice change from instead of the ugly bluish-green the series did. Also the aura looked better. Backgrounds like the ice area and even Planet Vegeta were amazing. Action was great too. little Bulla was cute. The OST i liked (the chanting really grew on me) and Blizzard is a banger i love that song. Oh and the aritisic license they took for the fusion scene with the reds and blues spiraling together was great

Anyway thats all the positives I have lmaoo

This film includes Minus and I already went in depth on why I hate Minus with a passion and why it’s the worst thing to come out of modern Dragon so yeah moving on. But the fact that they devoted screentime to Gokus backstory which ultimately served no purpose to the story of the film and couldve been used more valuably elsewhere. 

I said the action was good, and it was, but it almost too good. At times it was so fast to tell that was going on and really lessened the impact for me. Like when they went into the other dimension or whatever, Gogeta went blue and Broly went LSSJ (idc if the name is different name, itll always be legendary SSJ to me lmao) so ast it was a blink and you miss it moment. like what? those moments shouldve been given even a little bit of focus. 

Next the cast. Goku and Vegeta. AGAIN. snorefest. no Gohan, Piccolo is just there to show them the fusion, Goten and Trunks are still kids and look like babies (and Pilaf gang is with them which is another can of worms), no Android 17, who the series established as one of the top 4 fighters on Earth. 

Do we get any of that? Nope. Just the two Blue and Bluer fucking again and again I. dont. care. anymore. Their dynamic is so boring and played out id rather watch paint dry. It was fun in Buu Saga, hell it was even fun in GT, but DBS constantly forcing this dynamic and Vegeta as the second Main Character needs to fucking STOOOP. Toei and Toriyama has no idea how to further Vegeta’s character because theyre stuck in this infinite loop. 

Vegeta doesnt want to help Goku, he mentions Bulma and/or Trunks, Vegeta blushes, and then he decides to help. THAT HAPPENED LIKE SIX TIMES IN DBS ALONE. It happened in Buu saga as well, but it organically worked cause it was the first time but Bulma and Trunks were ALREADY DEAD/ABSORBED. The look on his face wasnt blushy or pouting for a gag, dude was legit shocked. I rag on Vegeta but he had some legit great moments in the early arcs and later parts of Buu Saga. Anyway im off track. They repeat that same exact character moment OVER AND OVER. cant tell you how many times we had “my Bulma, my bulla, my Trunks, my cabba�� in the Tournament of Power alone, and this movie is no different.

DO SOMETHING ELSE FFS

Then we have Broly. ohhhhhh boooy Broly. if you can even call this version of him Broly. His backstory is kinda the same as original movie 8/Broly LSSJ, but its more tragic becuase according to most fans, if youre background is a sobstory, that equals better character. NO. sure it could, but that trope was so worn out so long ago I hate it. “waaa his life was bad, hes not a bad guy” bruh i dont care thats not Broly. just make an OC if you wanna do that. but nope. gotta use the marketing! (More on that later)

People like to criticize Z Broly as “he hates Goku cause he cried” or “all he says is Kakarot” which both are false. On the first point, Broly is a psychopath. He was stabbed as an infant and left to die along with Paragus cause he was too powerful. Then that same day Planet Vegeta explodes practically on top of them. The rest of his life hes basically either being controlled or on a rampage. So that one moment of peace is “ruined” by Goku in a sense cause he subconsciously associates that with Goku. On the second point, Broly was already mentally unstable and then nearly dying, getting caught in the explosion of a SECOND PLANET and then being frozen for seven years will fuck anyone up in the head. Z Broly in the original movie was sadistic af and he had a lot of memorable moments and lines that werent just screaming Kakarot, that Second Coming made him infamous for. 

New Broly is legit a man-baby. People talk about old Broly having no personality and this new version having a deep character, but I dont see it. He acts like a child when hes with Cheelai and Lemo and then once the fighting starts he doesnt say a single word but yell. SOUND FAMILIAR?? But he gets a pass because the canon police says so right??? fuck off. New Broly is boring. Im tired of trying to make the Saiyans into ThEyRe noT aLl BaD sEe The SaIyAns ArE AcTuAlLy GoOd!!!11111 ugh i hate it. keep Broly a psycho and keep Bardock a prick. even that guy that went with Buzz Lightyear I mean Paragus was a sweet guy who couldnt fight because of course he was. At least they kept Paragus being a prick when he killed him. Tho his death was lame. 

Cheelai’s overrated af. Shes just green bulma lmao. and the fact that they included the “big soft-spoken man gets mad and saves girl from drunk lowkey-rapey pervert” trope just had me roll my eyes like dude stop. Lemo was fine? Nothing against him but didnt do much for me either.

FUCK. FREEZA. i went over this one before too so ill be quick with this as well. I hate hate hate the fact that they brought him back not once but twice in DBS, but even worse that they left him alive to do whatever tf he wants including going back to mass murdering people and expanding his army again. Goku and Vegeta just LET HIM LIVE. Why tf did they go all out and attack Broly, but not Freeza? when one of them was fighting Broly th other easily could have taken out freeza but nope we need a token villain like Joker or Skeletor cause unoriginality. Even at the end, Gogeta does a full power blast to wipe Broly tf out, but when Freeza tries to kill Cheelai and Lemo (two innocent people, feelings on them aside) Gogeta basically just shakes his finger like nuh-uh! dont do that! and then he flies off. Just let this mfer die already im sick of seeing his ass. FUCK I HATE IT SO MUCH GFGFFGFGFGF

Lastly this movie is legitimately Dragon Ball Fanservice The Movie. 

Gogeta vs Broly, which the games have been doing since fucking 2003, is the main point of this film. Theres no originality whatsoever. Minus is discount Father of Goku special, and then its a mashup of Broly LSSJ and Fusion Reborn (both of which are superior movies imo). This creatively banrkupt shell of a franchise cant think of anything new, so they legit remake an old movie, through in fusions because that sells like hotcakes, and make the animation pretty because thats all that matters.

Imo, this movie, like 99% of Super, is all flash and flair but no substance at all. At least this movie looked nice. unlike the show. 

ok thats all i got lmao

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #3 - "I'm just throwing stuff at things that I don't even know exists" (Isabelle)

I'm pretty nervous for this immunity challenge. Given that its a flash game roulette, I fully expect the other returnee tribe to get the highest score, so we have to strategize our point values for each game. I decided to play winterbells since no one else wanted to, but we need to put the lowest value there because I know there's no chance I will win it with people like Monty and Johnny who could end up playing it. If we strategize the points right, we could stay safe as well. I really don't want to vote anyone from our tribe off.

praying jj is the cheater

i was gonna make a real confessional, but ill save it for tomorrow. i'd just like to say i literally look like a CRAZY person scoring 2 billion in winterbells and not thinking it was enough when the other scores were 300k and 2 million. i gtg

YES We've won our third immunity challenge and it feels pretty good. I will say that right now I do feel kinda stagnant because you know we have yet to go to tribal council but yet at the same time I don't want to go. Honestly I've been loving the tribe Michael is truely the only one I question like their whole demanor becuase they felt almost like they where constantly trying to hand off their part of the challenge to literally anyone else but also with Collin mostly because he seems to be coming off kinda................forced is probably the best word for it. Well I don't know till next time ttyl

C7: https://youtu.be/fCmPRxLuFv8 C8: https://youtu.be/HH8tYuHGDFg

Going into tribal tonight SUCKS. I don't want any of us 6 going, but it has to be done. So far the discussion seems to be all about voting Chrissa out. My personal opinion on it is indifferent. Our conversations were pretty short and I was usually the one to initiate it. I feel more bonded with the other players on my tribe. I discussed it with Julian and it looks like that's the plan in execution at the moment. We have an alliance with JJ and I'm not sure if JJ knows yet because he hasn't said anything yet. As for Will, who I consider a really close ally, he had the same thoughts. Basically there's a lot of as long as it isn't me mindsets because it's a really difficult vote. Megan approached me about making a chat with us three together which is pretty interesting. It looks as though I'm in two chats now. One with JJ and Julian and another with Megan and Will. I'd like to think that's a good sign but the only good sign in a game is when the person who everyone said was going home goes home, so fingers crossed.

https://soundcloud.com/collin-vodicka-771937060/enlil-tribe-sucks

So once again, the Enki tribe has slayed the immunity challenges, however, I am one of the weaker people when playing comps. I am predicting a tribe swap next round though, but I'm also prepping for the possibility we have to go to tribal. I have made a really strong bond with Zach, and I am extremely close with Grace. I have started to get to know Adam, and I think Collin likes the "Team Grocery Store" thing we have going on since we are both baggers at grocery stores. I'm not that close with Michael or Cameron, so I wouldn't mind if one of them left if we had to vote someone out. But as of now, I am continuing to serve as a mentor to these new players and trying to give the full truth to them so that I have good relationships with them going forward. Also, last night I discovered a youtube link in the Idol System page of the Tumblr blog. It showed dancing crabs and the URL says "Step One." I did notice however that there were 140 views already when i found it the first time. So I assume someone already knows about the video on my tribe and has figured it out already. But it still does not hurt to try to get an idol. It at least gives me closure and gives me something to do while I let these newbies overplay the game like Zach is. Concerning the future of this game, if there is a tribe swap, I need to figure out how to get in good with these returnees. The newbie players are in a minority, however I am familiar with Megan Julian and JJ. I don't know anyone on the An tribe, but I guess thats the fun in getting to know people. I just have to be as nice as possible and try not to come off as a douche to them because they have played this game before. I haven't. The last thing I want is for people to think I am an entitled asshole. I want to stay civil and let people want to work with me instead of me forcing myself onto them. Finally I have a legit confessional LMFAO

https://youtu.be/ejn4YyJogo0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POLT6aOiJZs&feature=youtu.be

We won immunity! I was worried for a moment my score wouldn't be good enough cause I hurt my hand a couple days ago so I had to take lots of breaks to ice it. And i mean it was close...between first and second. Like damnnnn they got 0 points. That really has to be a hit to their tribe morale. But speaking of tribe morale, I really feel connected to my tribe. I've had a good time just talking to everyone. I think the person I've talked to the least is Abby but even then I really like her. I think there's a really good chance we swap after tonight's tribal, even though Johnny thinks it'll happen at 16. If we do swap, the person I want most on my tribe is Benji. Obviously since he's been gone from the community for ages, there's nothing linking us together so obviously like playing Malaysia with Isabelle, hosting Johnny in Flops, and hosting Lazio with Monty, not to mention the amount of seasons he hosted me in Pacific Islands (RIP). He's also very personable so I think he could gain us new allies. P.S. Prayer circle for Chrissa and Eric tonight, if I can swap with either one of them that would be a MIRACLE

me in my mesopotamia application: i dont want to end up in a ride-or-die pair. i always get fucked over and do worse than the person im aligned close with. benji: also if i didnt make it clear already you're my #1 in this game and the only way id write your name down is to win like im not going on call with the other tribemates and comparing notes i feel like im a lot more reserved around the others this was the first alliance i made and im sticking to it! me: you're my #1 too! no way i could write your name down either just in case that was not clear oifjeoijrf history repeats itself, baby! honestly its too early to tell if ill meet the same fate as i have in the past with my close 2s/3s (shoutout ash, sara, nick w + christine), but here we are. god as i sent that message i knew immediately it's gonna bite me in the butt later on. like i wasn't lying, i do really trust benji more than anyone else in this game BUT I NEED TO PLAY FOR ME this time! woof.

so i don't wanna talk to my host chat because drew is gonna not be proud of me and that's not okay I knew it from last night and today no one talking to me it's gonna be me no one ever wants me at merge so it's fine I could fight for it but JJ has given up so i guess that's it.

Things are... still good! We continue to do well enough in challenges that all strategic talk has been pretty much confined to agreeing to stay united and get everyone in the tribe as far as we can. It’s been surprisingly relaxed so far.

RIP Chrissa she didn't deserve this 

from chrissa's boot ep https://youtu.be/02a8QiaQG8M

Chrissa voted out 5-1

[janzz]

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it. 

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now. 

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”. 

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me. 

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing. 

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe. 

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a  “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole. 

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again. 

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating. 

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me. 

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful. 

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity. 

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house. 

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion. 

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered. 

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?”  both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them 

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character. 

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person. 

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly. 

[bolbiistroganovsky]

this is gonna sound crazy cause my little sister is only 12, but i honest to god dont think i can continue living under the same roof as her for my own personal health. like she is just so horrible to me and there is nothing i can do about it because everytime ive tried to fight back or demand i be treated better i become the “bad guy” and am “overreacting” because im supposed to be older and be the bigger person. but im so tired of having to be the bigger person. i really dont think the way she treats me is normal sibling stuff either. thats why no one ever takes me seriously. they just say its normal sibling stuff but its not. its not just small arguments over who gets the TV or a borrowed sweater. shes just routinely rude and mean and judgemental. like ill do anything just being silly having fun and shell make the most judgemental face and cross her arms. or like today, we had an early thanksgiving and all day she was just making jokes about me being ugly even though its clear to anyone with eyes that im insecure about my appearance and like she just brushes it off as just jokes.i finally was sick of it so i told her point blank that i dont think those jokes are funny and they just ake her seem like a mean person and then i walked off and went to practice harp. then like two minutes later she barges in and starts yelling at me for overreacting, hits my harp, then storms off. and its a cycle. shell do something like that then an hour later shell come hug me and be really sweet and apologize and say all these nice things and then nothing changes and it happens again a day or two later. today actually the cycle happened twice in one day which i think is a new record. and its like, at this point id rather her just not apologize cause theyre clearly empty words. ive taken to saying “thank you for apologizing” very blankly and not saying anything else instead of “its ok” or “i forgive you” because i dont forgive her. er i think i forgive her which is why i keep getting hurt but i also know that itll happen again and i know that this apology ultimately means nothing so why tell her i forgive her when in practicality i dont? and i know sometimes i can be mean to her but not in the repeated antagonistic way she is. when im “mean” to her its like ill take the front seat even if she calls shotgun or ill say something like...honestly i cant even remember. i tried to think of something fairly recent and i cant recall a time where i started a fight by saying something mean. and whenever  tried to talk to her about the clear issues we have she always uses those few and far between things to justify everything she does to me. and my parents do it to. and ive always felt like thats just wrong that i am the primary victim but ive always chalked that up to bias. no one ever htinks theyre in the wrong, but now i feel justified in thinking im not in the wrong in these situations because i know that i dont antagonize her the way she antagonizes me. i dont push on her sore spots like bruises. shes always talking about how she has mroe friends than me, how shes the favorite, how shes mroe athletic than me, how shes better than me in every concievable way and i know i have neverintentionally pushed at her insecurities. and i know this because in the moment ive thought of what i could say that could make her hurt as bad as i do and i never say it partly because i know its wrong to say things like that, and partly because i know that if  did i would be treated like the villain even though ive been putting up with this ever since she could talk. its not like shes always been verbally horrible to me, but before shed be selfish with toys or shed intentionally ruin something i was doing and thats what would get to elementary school and middle school me, but now what gets me is when she intentionally pushes at my insecurities and then thinks all fine and dandy because she was “joking”. and i just cant stick up for myself. I honestly cant wait to graduate and leave. i love my family anf my school so much but she is the sole reason i want to leave. and like i really honestly hate her. i do not like her at all but i also still love her because she is still my sister. and it kind of sucks. i wish i could just not care about her at all and just be like “you know what? fuck you” and be done with it. but i cant because stupid ass me doesnt want to hurt anybody’s feelings. sometimes ive thought like what if i killed myslef and wrote a note about how i did it because i couldnt take living with her cruelty anymore? i dont actually want to die or kill myself because i love all parts of my life but her, but it feels like it would finally show everyone how horrible she actually is. like id be able to feel vindicated from the grave that everyone finally saw that i wasnt just being dramatic she actually was horrible to me. sometimes ill accidentally picture a family member dying and ill feel sad and ill tear up and think how much itd hurt but when i do it witih her, i feel like a terrible person admitting this, but i dont think id be that sad. id feel a little bit sad but id also feel relieved that id never have to deal with ehr again. but im also worried about her. like she has problems keeping friends and my mom always comforts her and tells her that sometimes things are meant to be and my sister will tell how the other girl is being snooty or mean and my mom drinks it up that my sister is the victim, but i cant help but think that she cant keep friends because she subconsciously treats them similarly to how she treats me, or that she attracts a similar kind of mean person like she is to be friends with. and i dont want that for her, i want her to be able to have friend and be nice. i want her to learn how to be a good person cause i know she can, but its like she cant learn she cant understand that what shes doing is wrong. and i feel conflicted becuase i wantto help her be better and i want to support her like a good big sister, but i also want to fight back and cut her out of my life. but i also feel bad cause like am i overreaecting after all? cause how could a 12 year old be this horrible to me? people always tell me shell grow out of it. they told me that when i was 7 and she was 3 and they told me that today and she hasnt. and im tired of waiting for her to grow up. i just want to be done with this. it feels like my instinct to stand up for myself and fight back is fighting my instinct to be a good sister. i also feel ashamed that i let my little sister get to me this badly. like im older and bigger and stronger and more experienced. i should be the one with the power. but for some reason i just cant. like i feel ridiculous for feeling like im being take nadvantage of by a 12 year old but its happening. i cant keep doing this anymore. im so sick of it. i just wish i could leave and never come back. everyone has always told me that well be best friends when were adults but ive always known that that wont be true. but now it doesnt even feel like we have enough of a relationship to even be regular friends after i leave home. i mean maybe thats a bit dramatic writing off our entire lives even though shes only twelve but i dont even think i would want to try and have a relationship with her even if i could in the future. it sjust too ddraining being aroudn her. its been too draining for nearly ten years and i just dont see that stopping. im just tired. she makes me tired. of being around her of living in this house of just living tbh. ughhhhhhhhhh. i think this is the worst its ever been. 

sorry this is such a long ass post. i could probably say more but i wont. im just tired of bottling it all up. i talked with my stepmom about it and she agrees. she says she understands that its not me and she told my sister that shes potentially jeopardizing our relationship in the future. and its such a breath of fresh air to have someone understand that its not me. she thinks we should go to counseling which we probably should. god ive gone to so much counseling whats wrong with me. anyways heres your sob story for the day. sorry