#IF you anonymously recommended me this book. this is your sign to let yourself be known...

[yousaytomato]

I finally finished @thebibliosphere 's Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites and Crewel Intentions

Crewel Intentions however is just a short story and not available in print, and because I often struggle to read digitally I thought I'd print it out!

I honestly didn't intend to get so fancy with it but my stapler was too small and I tried tape but it looked ugly so... I made a whole little booklet for it!

I literally followed a wikiHow on how to bind the pages and it was so easy... this has opened up a whole avenue of booklet making opportunities for me...

[bumbleklee]

windblume confession(s)

masterlist | 1k prompt masterlist | pregnancy series

request: (@illusory-torrent) can i ask the meaning behind your url?? just curious. and could i also please request some kaeya and albedo getting competitive over the reader? reader can be gender neutral, i just wanna see my two best bois being competitive haha. thank you!

pairings: albedo x gn!reader, kaeya x gn!reader (love triangle)

warnings: none! (1.5k words)

a/n: soooo the meaning behind my url - it’s not that special lol. i wanted to make a genshin pun (klee = bee) and this is the first thing i came up with. also bea/bee, bumblebea/bumblebee, yktv

During the Windblume Festival, bouquets of flowers and letters were spilling off of your desk everyday. Despite knowing that most of the gifts came from anonymous senders, your heart still skipped a beat.

Part of you wondered if any of them were a prank. You didn’t see yourself as anything special, you weren’t as feminine and pretty as Barbara or muscular like Wagner, yet quite a few patrons found you good enough to pine over.

You skimmed through the gifts one day to see if you recognized any of the names. There was a letter from Bennett that was clearly addressed to Fischl so you tucked away the special note in a drawer with promises to deliver it later. You also found a letter from one of the Knight’s on your squad - but he was much younger than you and, frankly, the letter sounded like puppy love. Two contrasting bouquets of flowers sat side-by-side on the edge of your desk so you reached for them.

The first bouquet was about a dozen calla lilies tied together with a blue ribbon and the second was cecilia’s in a glass vase. The flowers piqued your interest, your mind already forming an idea about where they came from, and you read the attached cards.

“Meet me in the library,” You read aloud, your fingers tracing the edges of the cardstock. It wasn’t signed by anyone. The second one has a similar message, “Find me in the library.”

You wondered if the flowers were sent by the same person. But then why wouldn’t they state that? The questions made you wonder, again, if this was a trap. Could the flowers be from someone who wanted to mess with you? But despite your doubts, you grabbed your things and headed down the stairs to the library.

When you pushed open the door to the library, you realized you had no idea who or what you were looking for. The library was decorated beautifully, ribbon and flowers displayed on tables or breaks between the bookcases. The room itself smelled fresh, too, unlike its usual dusty aroma. While you glanced around the library, you saw Lisa sitting behind her desk and went to see if she knew what was going on.

“Happy Windblume Festival,” You smiled warmly at your coworker, “You’re not going to believe what I received.”

Lisa stopped reading her book to look up at you, the ghost of a smirk on her lips, “Hello, there. So many love-birds flew into your office this morning, I can only imagine what they brought you.”

You rolled your eyes, “Too many unrequited confessions.” She laughed softly at your joke, “Besides that, I received two bouquets of flowers that both told me to meet them here. Isn’t that strange?”

Lisa covered her mouth with a gloved hand and giggled again, “I think there’s something downstairs who would love to see you.”

You raised an eyebrow at Lisa but thanked her and took off down the stairs, careful not to slip on the wooden steps. As soon as your foot touched the floor, your sight met two men who had stopped bickering less than a moment ago. Kaeya and Albedo stood in front of a table, trying to put themselves back together in your presence.

“What’s going on?” You asked, realizing they were probably waiting for you. “Were the flowers from both of you?”

Kaeya and Albedo looked between each other, seemingly glaring dangers at each other. “I don’t know why he’s here,” Kaeya sneered, motioning to Albedo.

“Well, I don’t know why you’re here,” Albedo parroted, crossing his arms. You had never heard either of the men sound as ticked off as they were now.

“You both told me to meet you in the library,” You explained, confused. “That wasn’t planned?”

“No!” They said in unison.

You rubbed your temples, knowing that this wasn’t going to end easily. “I’m sorry,” You mumbled, “But can someone explain what’s going on.”

“Mr. Alberich overheard me planning to surprise you during the Windblume Festival and decided to ruin my plans,” Albedo said. When he spoke Kaeya’s name, there was nothing but venom in his tone.

Kaeya shrugged sarcastically, “I had no prior knowledge.”

“You used Klee to eavesdrop.”

“Did I, now?”

Albedo ran a hand through his hair, aggravated and annoyed. He had never liked Kaeya and this only fueled that fire. Kaeya wasn’t fond of Albedo either. He thought he was overrated in Mondstadt and that his admirers could do better.

“I mean,” Kaeya continued, giving Albedo the side eye, “Was it supposed to be a secret? You were awfully careless with the news.”

“My deepest apologies, I wasn’t aware I needed to broadcast my confession to all of Mondstadt before telling Y/N.”

“Your confession?” You wondered, “So the flowers weren’t a joke?”

Albedo looked at you with curious, and confused, eyes. “A joke? Of course not,” He said. A faint blush crept onto his cheeks, something you had never seen before, and Albedo fiddled with his gloved fingers nervously.

“I wanted to do that first,” Kaeya interjected, frowning slightly.

Kaeya’s words caught you off guard as well. “You like me, too?” He nodded in response and the three of you stood still for a while. Your mind was racing and your heart was beating out of your chest. You couldn’t believe not one but two of your coworkers had a crush on you and were confessing to you. But then the nerve-wracking decision came crashing down on you.

You had to pick one of them, right? The whole point of confessions was to find a possible suitor and here you had two options in front of you. Of course, you could reject both of them and run away but was that how you truly felt?

Albedo was soft and genuine. He often painted portraits of you and took you up to Dragonspine so could have snowball fights with Klee. He paid for dinner for you and recommended new books for you to read during your days off. At that moment, they seemed like friendly gestures. But looking back, you realized they were probably acts to one up Kaeya.

Likewise, Kaeya had his own plans to win you over. He spent exciting nights with you at the tavern and never complained about taking you home when you drank too much. Instead of buying you food, Kaeya bought you gifts like jewelry or artifacts. He often accompanied you on commissions, too.

“I need time to think this over,” You finally said. “Please, just agree not to kill each other in the meantime.”

Kaeya grumbled something under his breath, “Fine.”

“Why do you like me?” You asked, looking at Kaeya. “If you’re going to confess, then confess fully.”

The taller man thought for a moment before sending you his classic, cheeky grin. “I like having a challenge and you, my dear, proved to be that challenge.”

“What?” You asked, slightly offended.

“You play hard to get,” Kaeya continued, using his hands to accentuate his words, “I spoiled you for months and you still acted like we were nothing more than friends. Do friends buy each other gold necklaces in hopes they’ll realize you’ve fallen for them? You even have the necklace on to this day.” Instinctively, your fingers coiled around the dainty necklace around your neck that Kaeya had gifted to you weeks ago. When he gave it to you, you recognized it was a peculiar gift but played it off as Kaeya being extravagant. He sharpened his eyes, “Need I mention you’re the most exquisite looking person in Teyvat?”

Your voice caught in your throat and your cheeks burned with the compliment. You nervously played with the hem of your shirt and looked at Albedo for his answer.

“I just think you’re different,” He said simply, “You’re easy to get along with and I enjoy spending time with you. I feel like we’re compatible puzzle pieces.”

If possible, you blushed harder. Both men were darling and you felt like the luckiest person alive by being adored by both of them. As you glanced between the men, your stomach did a backflip. They were both looking at you with such intent and charisma, as if trying to enchant you. The idea of being with either of them made you feel butterflies.

But they are so drastically different, which made the decision that much harder. If you choose Kaeya, your relationship would be fiery and brand new all the time. He was full of adventure and flirting, favoring nightlife and excitement. And with Albedo, it would be calm and joyous. Your days would be spent in flower fields and underneath trees. Both sounded like a dream to you.

“I don’t know who to pick,” You admitted, holding back a sigh of defeat. “I never thought multiple people would like me at once, let alone you two. I just need more time.”

And with that, you turned on your heel and walked back up the stairs. Your head felt light and your mind was clouded with a million different scenarios. You felt guilty for leaving the men alone but until you could come up with a definite answer, they could wait.

[destinyc1020]

Cliff Notes (in case y’all don’t have an hour to spare lol - But I HIGHLY recommend watching/listening! 😊 )

PS - I LOVE Issa as an interviewer!  She really knows the right questions to ask.  

**Cliffs: 

Z says that confidence is a learned thing.  Encourages people to just be easy on themselves and don’t be too hard on yourself.  Says it’s a lifelong thing that you can continue to grow and navigate.  

Understands why people don’t think that she could take on a role like Rue.  Took smaller roles so that she could prove that she could do more roles. Said she would rather be a supporting actress in an amazing film, instead of lead in a crappy movie.  

Said she and Law would show up to red carpet events that she wasn’t even supposed to or need to be at, and would try to dress well at so that people could see her outside of Disney.  But now she feels like she has to really show that she belongs in these spaces.   

Says she has a love/hate rlshp with LA. Says NYC is so much easier to walk around and do stuff.   

Has had the experience of bad contracts, saying yes to things that she didn’t really want to because she had to, learned many lessons, etc. Encourages people to READ their contracts. Says people will always try to low-ball you if you’re not careful. Also says that sometimes it’s good to recognize when you’re just not there yet!  

Says Darnell is like a brother to her.  Says her family keeps her grounded. Says she’s an introvert and isn’t extroverted.  Says she has 2 friends lol. 

Says she’s a very shy person and it’s hard to make small talk. Says she was a shy child growing up. Said that some people would mistakenly think she was cold at events but in reality she was just terrified and didn’t know what to say to people so she would just stay quiet.  So she had to learn how to do small talk with people. Says she’s gotten better at it.  Says it’s something you have to learn how to do in this industry.    

Wants to create a business she can do outside of acting/the Hollywood world. 

Says she believes that at the end of the day you just want to do what makes you happy, and that one day she might wake up and not want to do acting anymore, and might just want to make pottery lol. 😅🤣  And that’s perfectly okay lol. Says she took her first pottery class that year lol. “Let me know if you need some ceramics!!!” LOL  😅   

 She really wants to put her peace as a human and her happiness above everything else.  So if acting doesn’t make her happy anymore, she won’t do it.  

Also stated that when she was a kid she wanted to be the most famous person in the world yadda yadda yadda... .But NOW she doesn’t want that anymore at all.  Says acting allows you to be a different character, whereas being in the music industry doesn’t really allow you to have any anonymity.  Says she wants to have a part that still belongs to her.  She wants success, but still wants to be happy as a person.  

She’s really into cinematography now due to Euphoria.  

Says she hates reading lol  😅 But she reads that contract!!  😅🤣 Says you can sign your life away if you’re not careful/read through your contracts.  Read books on legal terms and did research in order to understand her terms and conditions in her contracts better. 

Agrees with Issa that it’s almost inevitable that you will eventually get burned in this industry, but says that she had to dust herself off and not be too scared to try new things. Said she had to teach herself not to be too afraid of failing again. Views things now more as a lesson instead of a failure.  

Says one time she was doing a cover for a magazine when she was much younger, and she wasn’t happy with her hair and makeup, and her publicist (at the time) said: “I wouldn’t really stir the pot because they haven’t really had a black girl on the cover in a really long time...so let’s not like....”  🥴    Said that was the last time she worked with that publicist because she feels that she should be allowed to say that she doesn’t like her hair and makeup and fix it, whether they’ve had a black girl on the cover in a while or not lol. (AMEN!)

Says black people have to change the mentality of “there can only be one”, and allow other black people to come in. Says that she would love to be a platform for other black creatives to come in and be creative, and give them a space in this industry.  Says that when it comes to black people, it’s not about a lack of talent, but usually about a lack of opportunity. Says we have to share our opportunities and information w/each other.  

Audience members had a chance to ask Zendaya questions.... 

Z says that if you have put in the work and the time, then you are for sure worthy (in answer to an audience member’s sad story about being looked down upon even though she’s a black female doctor). Says it’s something she’s still figuring out.  

Says that she and Rue are very similar personality-wise. Says that she and Sam don’t seem like they would have much in common, but they like the same things, and that the way Rue is written is very comfortable.  Feels like a little sister to her.  Says she’s thankful that some of her ideas have ended up being written in the script.  

Zendaya says her lifelong dream has nothing to do with the industry at all, and that she would love to raise enough money to buy this full-time functional place where inner city students can go and experience nature and heal.  It’s something her mom used to try to do for her students when she was a teacher, but the place got closed down.  So Z would like to raise money to buy that place so that it doesn’t have to fall on the burden of teachers.  

Said that before when she was acting she didn’t really have much to emotionally pull from for acting-wise and felt that it was all just pretending because she hadn’t really been through stuff. Says that Euphoria was the first time when she wasn’t pretending.  She has now seen for the first time the value of really feeling your feelings all the way through. Says that she’s not naturally a feeler, and doesn’t really like to feel things because she feels it makes her feel weak. But she said that Euphoria forced her to be exposed and dig up things she thought she had already dealt with, and brought it all out on camera.  Said that it’s scary to do so on camera because on set there are tons of people watching her cry about some sh*t in her life through Rue. Says it’s scary, but you have to do it and allow yourself to be vulnerable...but in a healthy way.  Deal with things and let it go so you can go home and be happy. Said it was very cathartic for her, and working on the show allowed her to get in touch with her own feelings and feel things. Says it’s so weird and uncomfortable, but it’s the foundation of being human...feeling things.   

Overall, great interview!!! One of the most exposed (no holds barred) ones I’ve seen her do yet. 😃 👍  

[songbirdsingingthings]

This request (if it's still an option) might be a little odd and will admittedly stay more feminine, but if i may?

Might i request a small shoto x reader story where the reader is a practicing witch? It's something i personally am into and i think it would be fun to read. Imagine shoto learning about spell candles, crystals charging positive energy, tarot cards, that stuff, because the person he likes uses them a lot.

It might be a touch vague, plot wise, but from west I've read it's sure to be something you can make amazing. Thank you very much. (Anonymous because this is my first time ever requesting something like this and I'm way to shy about it.)

Intuition - Shouto Todoroki x Reader

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters, they belong to Kohei Horikoshi

MHA Masterlist - Main Masterlist

WARNINGS: Fluff, Swearing (It’s Bakugou, so, that’s kinda a given)

Requested by Anonymous:

A/N: Hi!!! I am so sorry that this took me freaking AGES to write. In between trying to research and find reputable sources to learn from about what you requested and dealing with school stuff (honestly, my teachers just think that all of my free time should be filled with school work smh) I finally FINALLY finished! I really hope you enjoyed, and I really found it interesting learning about all these things! <3

Word Count: 1.5K

“Y/N, may I ask you a question?” Shouto’s smooth voice cut through to your senses, rousing you from the book you currently had your nose in. Sitting just inches away from you was the red-and-white haired boy, the textbook he had been consulting now bookmarked and set next to him. With a raise of your eyebrow in curiosity, you marked your page and nodded.

“What’s on your mind?” You ask, leaning a bit closer to him. Shouto, being your boyfriend for now 2 months and comfortable with touch, wrapped a light arm around your waist.

“I was just curious about your choice of decor for your dorm, it’s quite unique.” A knowing smile graced your lips as your gaze left his handsome face and flitted around your dorm. On top of shelves, all over your desk, and even on the balcony windowsill you had, crystals and candles dotted the room. A smile graced your lips as you saw Shouto’s eyes on the various beloved items.

“I guess you can say it’s unique,” You start to say, standing from your spot on the floor and going over to your desk and taking your favorite crystal into your hand. It was a simple clear quartz cluster but it’s been with you the longest. You motion for Shouto to stand up next to you so he could see it more clearly. “This one is a clear quartz,” you explain as he bends down so that his eyes are eye-level with the crystal.

“It’s beautiful,” he murmurs, his gaze transfixed on the quartz. With a laugh, you carefully place it back down on your desk.

“Well, it’s not all just a pretty face. It’s actually charged with a lot of healing energy, so it’s provided some real tranquility in my life.” Shouto’s eyes narrow in confusion, looking back up to yours.

“You’re not telling me that this crystal has a quirk, do you?” He asks, genuinely perplexed. With a bark of laughter, you shake your head.

“No, no, it doesn’t have a quirk. I’ve just been charging the crystal myself.” Still sensing some bewilderment from your boyfriend, you grab a few different items - the quartz, a spell candle from your windowsill, and a pack of tarot cards from your desk - and lead him over to your bed to sit down. “A lot of the things I have in my room have a more… spiritual side to them. Basically with things like crystals, I charge them with positive energies. I do this by cleansing them and then emanating positive thoughts, intentions, or words to the crystals themselves.” Shouto nods, seemingly understanding that concept.

“Are the candles and cards similar?” He wonders. 

“Well, they’re all similar in the way that they’re part of witchcraft. People who are practicing witches usually have some, if not all, of these things and probably a lot more. I’m kind of in the low-key part of witchcraft since I don’t really cast spells or am part of a coven or anything, but I really enjoy it.” You gush, causing Shouto’s cheeks to heat up a bit. He’s always loved seeing you so passionate about things whether it be in classes or during hero training, but your passion here was on a whole other level.

“Interesting,” he says, “so what purpose do the candles serve?” His interested tone causes a giddy smile to flicker across your face, sending you into ‘explanation mode’.

“The candles are actually pretty cool. Like the crystals, it’s recommended that you cleanse and charge them in order for them to work. I usually buy these from that crystal store on mainstreet, and this one is one of my favorites! It’s actually one for my zodiac sign,” you tell him, holding the glass holder up in front of him so that he could read the label. 

“And the cards?” He asks, leaning over to view the pack of cards.

“Oh! Those are tarot cards.” “I’m assuming they are pretty different from regular cards?” He asks, a little smirk on his face.

“You would be right in assuming that, yes,” you say, giggling while sliding the deck out of its container. You give the deck a few shuffles. “They can help to gain insight on peoples’ futures by drawing cards that represent your past, present, and your future.” Shouto’s eyes widened.

“They can tell your future?” He exclaims, a little wary but also excited about the prospect of it.

“Yeah, you want me to give you a reading?” 

“Yes!” Shouto says quickly. Your heart warms at his enthusiasm as you let your shuffling come to a stop. Spreading the cards out in your hand, you hold them face down in front of your boyfriend.

“Okay, pick three.” You say simply, yet Shouto still hesitates.

“Is there a strategy for picking them?” He asks.

“Just go on your intuition. Pick what your heart tells you to.” You murmur. Shouto nods slowly and lets his fingers hover over the cards. He lets his fingers dangle for only a minute before picking his three cards and setting them on your bed covers. With a satisfied smile, you straighten up the rest of the cards, set them aside, and turn your attention to the three he picked. You turn them over one by one. His first card, representing his past, is The Tower. The second card, representing his present, is the Death card. And finally, representing his future, he picked the The World card. As Shouto’s eyes rake over his cards, they settle and widen comically at the middle card.

“Uh, oh no, Y/N I picked death.” He said, his breathing becoming a little shallow at his sudden spurt of panic.

“That’s okay Sho, just let me give you your reading, yeah?” You soothe, urging him to calm down. With a hesitant nod, he settles down a bit. “Okay! So for your first card, you chose The Tower. Now this card represents sudden upheaval, broken pride, and disaster. Think back to your past whether it be just yesterday or years beforehand. I know you had a tough childhood and growing up was never easy for you,” you say, trying to empathize with Shouto. He nods acceptingly, having already acknowledged his past.

“Yes, this card makes sense.” He simply says. Your gaze focuses next on the middle card - Death.

“I know this card can look a little scary, but I promise it’s not.” You say, trying to gently ease Shouto into the idea that his current present is represented by death. “The Death card represents the end of a cycle, new beginnings, and metamorphosis. Think and turn your consciousness to your thoughts right now. Think about how much you have changed from your past, and find solace in the end of that cycle and the beginning of a new one.” Shouto closes his eyes and unconsciously begins to smile, causing your own to shine brighter.

“That is a comforting thought. I never thought I could find relief from a card that says death on it.” He remarks, opening his eyes back up to yours. You could tell he was eager to hear about his last card - his future.

“And your final card is The World. I’m not being biased or anything, I promise you I’m not, but this is one of my favorite cards.” You admit, earning a sparkle to show in your boyfriend's eyes. “The World card represents fulfillment, harmony, and completion. Try and imagine your future. This completion and fulfillment could come in the form of many things whether it be your career, your friendships-”

“A romantic relationship?” He asks, his cheeks now burning with red. You feel yourself begin to fluster and the silly smile across your face causes you to look at your hands.

“Yes, this card could potentially apply to a romantic relationship.” You murmur softly. You busy yourself with cleaning up the cards and putting them back in their container, still flushed with the thought of Shouto hoping for harmony within your relationship. However, your thoughts are put to a halt when Shouto has a soft hand beneath your chin, gently angling your head so that your eyes meet his.

“I like the thought of a fulfilling relationship with you.” He confesses, his doe eyes causing you to melt.

“I, uh, Shouto the card might not be referring to that though.” You stammer, your eyes flicking in between his and his lips.

“You said that I should go on intuition beforehand, yes?” He asks, wanting you to confirm. When you nod your head, his smile turns into a smirk. “Well then my intuition tells me that the card is referring to us.” And in one fluid motion, his lips are on yours. Like always, they’re soft, slow, and sensual… and you can never get enough of them. With one hand going up to play with his hair and the other one wrapping around his neck, you press yourself closer to him as he kisses you more feverishly. 

“Thanks for my reading,” he says breathlessly, each word in between kisses. You yourself are breathless as well, sinking into his embrace like puddy.

“Anytime.”

[sapphos-darlings]

hey. im the anon who asked about only liking fictional men...

um... ig im bi then... but part of me wishes i wasnt... being a lesbian just seems... better.

how do i get over not wanting to be bi or.. internalised biphobia?

Anon, we can't tell you your sexual orientation based on one anonymous ask. It isn't like a star sign, and just one ask from you, a person we don't know, whose full situation we don't know, about your experience you summed up in a few sentences, isn't enough to give you an answer.

While yes, sexual orientation isn't some abstarct spiritual experience but a tangible fact (like if a person is not same-sex attracted, then she's heterosexual, period), still no one else but you yourself can tell what your feelings are.

I also got to tell you that being a lesbian isn't better or easier than being bisexual. We are what we are, and our challenges might be partially different, but they are there. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence - or on the other side of the yard, I suppose, since we are all same-sex attracted women. Our pride comes from self-acceptance.

It is true however that lesbians are more visible than bi women. There is more focus on lesbians in media for example, while it's hard to find anything even mentioning the word 'bisexual'. It's good to remember though that fethisization is not a privilege, and our happiness and self-acceptance can't depend on outside validiation in any case.

I would recommend you search out bisexual women and talk to them. Look up bisexual history. Read up on bisexual historical figures. Read bisexual pride blogs. Search out books, movies or tv shows that have bisexual characters. (Recommendation for Orange is the New Black on Netflix. One prominent criticism has been not saying the word 'bisexual' until the second season, but still the main character and multiple others are very obviously and clearly bisexual, and they stay bisexual regardless of their relationship status.)

Also work on detatching yourself from a need for immediate clear-cut answers, outside validiation and a hyperfocus on labels. You are who you are whatever you call yourself, and hyperanalysing your thoughts and feelings isn't going to help you in the long run. You need to look outisde, meet people and have experiences.

Let yourself be yourself first, just as you are, and then work on how to call yourself and how to present yourself to others. Everyone else comes and goes, but you are with yourself for the rest of your life. Be kind to yourself and accept yourself as you are. You deserve it.

- Lavender

[aseriesofunfortunatetexts]

*Hums* Pretty woman, walking down the street, pretty woman...

3700 words, all Ernest, no smut, just plain ol’ wish-fulfilment. 

Ernest catches you in the middle of the lobby, carrying a briefcase. “Concierge,” he greets you. “I’d like you to accompany me into the city. I have some important errands to run, and I could use some assistance.”

You pause. What help could you, a random concierge, possibly provide? Also, you know of a certain someone who won’t approve of you spending time alone with Ernest outside of the hotel. A certain someone who is currently standing at the reception desk, checking in a smartly dressed couple and their two children.

Ernest notices you looking in Frank’s direction, and smiles. “I’m also your boss, in case you’d forgotten, and I insist.”

“Well then,” you say. “Should I change into something more casual?”

“Business casual would be ideal. I’ll wait.”

You make your way back to your room, thoughts churning. This could be an opportunity to learn more about your charming adversary, if you play your cards right. That is definitely why you’re feeling excited at the prospect of this little outing.

You didn’t exactly bring a lot of clothes with you, but you do have a pair of black slacks, and combined with the shirt that’s part of your uniform, and the jacket you were wearing when you arrived, you look quite professional. Nice, even.

Ernest must think so too, because just for a second he gives you a frankly unprofessional look of appreciation when you return. You force yourself not to smile at the attention, that would send the wrong message.

You take a taxi into the city, the first taxi ride you’ve ever enjoyed, due to the fact that the anonymous driver doesn’t seem bent on endangering your lives on the way. Sure, Kit would have gotten you to the Financial District faster, but at what cost?

It turns out that Mulctuary Money Management is your first stop. “We loaned money to build the hotel,” Ernest explains as you enter the lobby. “And with business already going as well as it is, Frank has decided that we can increase our monthly payments. I’m going to re-negotiate the contract, and I’d like you to take notes during the meeting.”

“I’m not entirely fluent in financial lingo,” you admit.

“You’ll do fine,” Ernest says, and his confidence in your abilities is comforting enough that your nerves are soothed.

The meeting is shorter than you would have expected. Ernest’s manner is polite, confident, and just a little flirty, and the female banker is obviously quite smitten with him straight from the get-go. It must be nice to deal with customers who are knowledgeable about their case, not to mention being this agreeable. In between making physical notes, you make a mental note to add it to your next report: ‘flirts to gain people’s trust.’

The next stop on your tour is the offices of an interior designer. As it turns out, the brothers are considering an expansion on the second floor to include a Buddhist temple. The designer seems very exited to be considered for the job of furnishing the place, probably because Ernest hints that the budget will be more than a little generous.

Once that meeting has wrapped up, you take another taxi downtown. “Just one more thing on our list. But we need to make a stop on the way.”

“What for?” you ask.

Ernest gives you a mischievous look. “We’re going for dinner, and while you’re dressed perfectly for business meetings, I think you need a dress for the rest of the evening.”

“Dinner?” you repeat.

“No reason to be nervous, it’s still business related. We’re considering establishing a fourth restaurant, and we’ve heard great things about this new place just five minutes south of here. We’re going to sample their menu and decide whether to offer them an opportunity to open another branch at the hotel.” He smiles.  “Or just make the head chef an offer he can’t refuse.”

“That sounds devious,” you say.

Ernest smirks. “All’s fair in love, war, and the service industry.”

You’re starting to see that. It’s a cut-throat business, and Ernest seems to thrive in it.

The taxi comes to a halt and you climb out, finding yourself on the sidewalk in front of the largest, and fanciest, department store in the City. You’ve never actually been inside a place like that, and you’re suddenly very worried about your ability to act like you belong in there.

Ernest appears behind you, leaning over you and whispering in your ear, “Don’t worry, I’ll be happy to accompany you.”

“I don’t think I can afford-...”

Ernest cuts you off, “You’re not buying anything, and I think our budget can afford a little shopping spree. Consider it compensation for your help today.”

You feel the urge to object, but by now Ernest is already walking around you and into the store, so apparently this conversation is over. You rush to follow him.

Ernest obviously knows his way around here, because he moves with purposeful strides through the lavish entry hall, leading you to the elevator. Once inside he presses the button for the fourth floor, which is labelled ‘Women’.

You step outside first and come to an abrupt halt. You’ve never seen this much clothes in your life, and you’ve certainly never seen such extreme prices either. Every sign boasts a higher number than the one before. But Ernest insisted, and he must have known what that meant.  Speaking of, he’s already moving again, and you follow.

The beautiful young woman Ernest approaches by a row of colorful dressed obviously knows him, smiling broadly and turning her head to offer her cheek, which Ernest kisses. “Laurel, you look radiant as ever.”

The woman, Laurel, blushes and gives Ernest a little smack on the arm. “You’re such a flirt. What can I do for you today, sir?”

Ernest turns and gestures at you to approach. “We have a dinner date to keep, and my companion needs a dress. And shoes. And a clutch, perhaps?”

Laurel’s eyes light up. “Oh, how lovely. I know just the dress for you, my dear. Come along. Mr. Denouement can wait here.” Once again, you follow obediently, feeling an increasing sense of ease in the presence of this enthusiastic woman who seems to know exactly what she’s doing.

The dress in question turns out to be a sleeveless black cocktail dress with lace trim. It’s gorgeous, and way more elegant than anything you’ve ever imagined wearing in your life. Laurel must have sensed your hesitation, because she leans over to you and says, “I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think you could pull it off, dearest. Now, you’ll need strapless underthings as well. Any preference?”

“Um, I don’t know?” you reply, because you really don’t have any knowledge of expensive lingerie.

“I’m thinking a bustier. You’ll find that confidence in a dress is boosted greatly by what you’re wearing underneath.”

“I wouldn’t know,” you confess.

“But you will soon enough,” Laurel assures you, already on the move again, the dress slung over her arm.

Once in the underwear section, she picks out a black lace bustier for you and matching panties, by far the most beautiful pieces of underwear you’ve ever seen. Laurel notices your reaction, smiling conspiratorially, “I’m sure this can come in useful in the future as well.”

You immediately imagine wearing this, in a certain someone’s bed, and your cheeks heat up. Laurel chuckles at your reaction but doesn’t comment further. “Now, the changing rooms are down here. You try these on, and I will try to find you some nice heels.”

“Not to high,” you say. “I’m not good at walking in high heels.”

“As you wish,” Laurel agrees, handing you everything, and then she’s off again.

You find the changing rooms and manage to get into the bustier and the dress with minimal difficulty. She was right, you can pull it off, as a matter of fact, you look quite stunning. You’re so busy admiring the dress that you barely notice the curtain parting, revealing a grinning Ernest. “You look lovely,” he says, as you spin around and prepare to admonish him for sneaking into the ladies’ changing room. But the words stick in your throat when you notice what he’s holding in his hands; a box lined with velvet, containing a shimmering diamond necklace.

“That is too much,” you blurt out.

“Oh, we’re not buying it,” Ernest reassures you. “Just renting it for the night.”

“You can do that?” you ask.

“I’m a faithful costumer,” Ernest reminds you. “That gives you certain advantages.”

“Mr. Denouement,” Laurel interrupts from outside. “I don’t believe you should be in -... oh, that will be perfect,” she gushes, reaching for the necklace. “Turn around, dear.”

You do so, and Ernest places the necklace around your throat, then clasps it, his fingers brushing the nape of your neck. The diamonds rest just above your collarbones, glittering in the bright light of the changing room.

“Shoes,” Laurel says, handing you a pair of black heels of modest height. They fit perfectly, despite the fact that she never asked for your shoe size.

“You look flawless, my dear” Laurel coos, then gives Ernest a knowing look, which you catch in the mirror. “Don’t you think so, Mr. Denouement?”

“Quite splendid,” he agrees, smiling broadly.

“Will that be all?” Laurel asks as she gathers your old clothes into a bag, apart from the jacket, which she helps you into.

“The clutch,” Ernest reminds her.

“Of course. We have plenty to chose from, but I would recommend something subtle. Come with me.”

You wobble slightly as you turn and try to follow, and in an instant Ernest appears at your side, offering his arm. “Allow me to assist.”

You accept his offer, and side by side you walk out of the changing room. This close to him, you can smell his cologne, and the warmth of his body is making your stomach tingle a little.

Laurel has picked out three clutches, and Ernest points to the simplest one, about the size of half a sheet of paper, made of black silk. “This one.”

“A fine choice,” Laurel agrees. “Now, there’s just one last detail.”

Ernest reaches into his jacket and produces a check book. “Let’s not tell the young lady the total, she’s nervous enough as it is,” he teases, winking at you.

You would object, but he’s right, so you smile impishly and make a show of turning around and pretending to be busy admiring a nearby rack of dress shirts while Laurel and Ernest settle the bill.

By the time you’ve reached that exit you’ve surer on your feet, but Ernest doesn’t move to let go of you, so your arms remain intertwined as you go outside. You notice to your surprise that the taxi is still parked by the curb. You don’t even want to imagine how much the meter will be showing by now.

The drive to the restaurant is a short one, but long enough for you to start growing worried again. Yes, you already shared an intimate meal with Ernest recently, but this is an entirely different situation. He might claim it is entirely business, but there is not denying that you’re dressed for a date right now. And what’s worse, you can’t help but look forward to it, despite the little knot of nervousness in your stomach.

Ernest offers his arm once more when you exit the taxi, and you automatically take it. It makes you feel more confident, that’s for certain. You straighten your back as you enter the restaurant, trying to appear as if you belong in such a glamorous establishment, ignoring Ernest’s look of amusement that you spy out of the corner of your eye.

The restaurant is simply decorated and dimly lit. You can tell, even with your limited knowledge of interior design, that every piece of furniture must have cost a fortune.

The waiter who greets you looks strangely familiar, but it takes you a few seconds before you recognize him; Larry Your-Waiter. Shit. The entire organization is going to know that you went for dinner with Ernest looking like a million bucks, that won’t go over well with certain members of the leadership.

“Larry,” Ernest greets amiably.

You blink, glancing from at Ernest. You didn’t realize that they knew each other, but you probably should have. Ernest was a part of the VFD after all, they probably trained together.

Larry gives Ernest a pleasant smile, but you spy a trace of coldness in his eyes. There’s definitely some history there. The coldness disappears when Larry turns his attention to you though. His graze briefly flickers from your shoes, to your dress, landing on the necklace around your neck. He looks... impressed. And ever so slightly amused? That’s unexpected.

“Your table is waiting, Mr. Denouement,” he says, gesturing for you to follow him further into the room.

The table is situated smack in the middle of the room, with a clear view of the rest of the tables, as well as the entrance and the door leading to the kitchen, just like the table Ernest picked in the restaurant back at the hotel. A strategic choice if you are a careful minded villain who likes being fully aware of his surroundings. Ernest steps behind you and removes your jacket, then pulls out your chair, just like he did the last time you ate together. It makes you feel quite elegant.

“We will be having a little of everything, and wines to go with it,” he tells Larry.

“As you wish,” the waiter replies. “Champagne while you wait?”

“That would be perfect.”

The champagne is delicious, and you and Ernest make light-hearted small talk while you wait for the food. Once it arrives, you realize that this place must be even fancier than you’d first estimated. You hardly know what half of these dishes are. But you jump right it, and it turns out that everything Larry serves you is utterly delectable.

“Shouldn’t I be making notes about this as well?” you ask, halfway through dish number four.

“That won’t be necessary,” Ernest tells you, “I’m good at remembering food. Do you like it?”

“It’s wonderful,” you reply, taking another bite of roasted pheasant. “You should definitely kidnap the chef.”

Ernest laughs heartily at your joke, and you smile in return, sipping your red wine. “We’ll make a cut-throat hotel worker of you yet.”

You shouldn’t take that as a compliment, coming from a firestarter, but you can’t help but feel flattered nonetheless. You put down your empty glass. “I didn’t realize I was on track for a management position.”

“We’re proud of our commitment to providing employees with the possibility to advance,” Ernest says. “Plus, I think you would look great in a manager’s uniform.”

“Not as good as I look in this dress.”

“But almost,” Ernest asserts. He reaches for the bottle Larry left on the table. “More wine?”

“Are you trying to get me drunk, sir?” you ask playfully.

Ernest chuckles, pouring you another. “That wouldn’t be very gentleman-like.”

“I guess that’s true,” you say, picking up the wine glass. “And you are nothing if not a perfect gentleman.”

“I try,” Ernest says, lifting his own glass. “Cheers, concierge.”

It’s not that you’re drunk by the time you move onto desserts, you’re just a little buzzed, that’s all. And, as you unfortunately are prone to when you’re buzzed, you’re getting increasingly flirtatious. In your defense, Ernest is encouraging you all the way, with subtle grins and an endless supply of mischievous comments. Nobody would be able to resist the urge to play along.

It’s probably very unprofessional to share a single chocolate mousse with your boss, it’s definitely unprofessional to accept the first spoonful when he extends his arm across the table and offers it to you, a wicked grin on his face. You lean in, stopping just as the spoon is about to touch your lower lip. “This is improper, for a business dinner.”

Ernest twirls his wrist, subtly threatening to withdraw. “Do you mind?”

You answer by taking the spoon in your mouth and sucking off the chocolate mousse. You let out an embarrassing little moan, licking your lips when you pull back again, but seriously, that mousse is amazing.

Ernest’s eyes flash with amusement and undeniable excitement, which would have troubled you just a couple of hours ago, but now? Now your cheeks grow hot and you give him a dazzling smile. “Try it.”

He does, using the same spoon, humming his approval once he’s tasted it. “This is definitely going on the menu.”

You’re so focused on Ernest that you don’t notice Larry approaching from behind you, and when he speaks you jerk back in your seat. Shit, he probably saw everything. That’s gonna look great in his report, ‘they shared desserts, using one spoon.’ You’re going to have to make some excuse in your own report.

“Was everything to your liking?” Larry asks, the question obviously aimed at you, his tone giving nothing away.

You clear your throat, hoping he can’t see how flushed you are in the dim light. “Yes, it was wonderful. Thank you, Larry.”

“We’d like the check, please,” Ernest says. “And give our compliments to the chef.”

Larry nods. “I shall. Just a moment.”

You don’t even want to know what dinner cost, so you don’t look while Ernest writes another check. The accumulative cost of this little outing will no doubt be considerable.

Turns out you’re a bit more tipsy than you thought, as you discover once you get to your feet. You sway slightly, and Ernest’s hands are on your naked shoulders immediately, steadying you. “You all right?”

“Just a liiiitle more buzzed than I’d anticipated,” you admit.

“Red wine is sneaky like that,” Ernest remarks, and now that you’re this close to him, you can tell that he’s a little flushed from the alcohol as well. “Fresh air will help.”

He is absolutely correct, you note when you step outside the restaurant, the chilly evening air hitting your heated body. You pull your jacket closer around you, shivering a little.

“Here,” Ernest says, and then you find yourself wrapped in his suit jacket as well. It’s very warm, and it smells like him. The intimacy of you wearing his clothes is undeniable, but you like it. You like it a lot.

Ernest hails a taxi, and you climb into the backseat together, sitting a lot closer now than you did earlier in the day. That’s nice too, you have to admit.

You pass the ride mostly in silence, but it’s a perfectly easy quiet. That should probably worry you, that you’re this comfortable around each other now, but you’re a little too drunk to analyze the situation at the moment.

It’s not that you need Ernest to hold you steady when you enter the hotel, it’s just that holding onto his arm makes you feel more secure. Right up until you come face to face with Frank, coming out of their office. He takes one look at the two of you – arm in arm, you wrapped in Ernest’s jacket - and his face twists into a disapproving scowl. “Dinner dragged out?” he asks caustically.

“The menu was impressive,” Ernest replies, voice perfectly smooth. He doesn’t let go of you either. “We didn’t want to miss out on a thing.”

Frank lets out a little huff of displeasure. “You can tell me about it tomorrow. I believe the concierge looks like she could use some rest.”

‘She looks drunk’ is what he means, no doubt. Well, you’re an adult, you can drink if you want to. With your boss. Okay, it doesn’t look good, you can acknowledge that. It certainly won’t help Frank’s opinion of you. But it’s too late for that.

“I suppose you’re right,” you say, trying to sound unmoved by his comment.

“Would you like me to escort you to your room?” Ernest asks with no small amount of playful flirtiness in his tone.

You can practically hear Frank grinding his teeth, but you ignore him in favor of giving Ernest a dazzling smile. “If you don’t mind.” And then you leave Frank behind without another word, and you have to admit, you feel a little pleased to have pissed him off this time.

The walk to your room is way too short tonight. When you reach your door, Ernest lets go of your arm. “Thank you for your assistance today. And for your company.”

You really should try to stop smiling like this. “I had a great time.”

“Me too,” Ernest says, and then he leans down and plants a small kiss on your cheek. You would have frozen in place if you’d been sober, but now you find yourself leaning into his personal space, just for a second, before you get a hold of yourself and take a step back.

“Good night, Mr. Denouement.”

Ernest inclines his head and does a little bow. “Good night, concierge.”

You’re inside your room when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize that you’re still wearing his jacket.

 ***

 The hangover you wake up to is manageable, thank God. You make your breakfast tea a little stronger than usual, and then it’s actually all right.

By eight o’clock you’re standing at the concierge desk, sorting through the mail when Frank appears behind you. You pretend not to notice him, until he drops a sheet of paper in front of you. You scan the contents. It’s a list of financial transactions. You check the date in the corner; yesterday. Then you look at the bottom line, and your eyes widen. That’s... a lot.

“I hope you’ll find other uses for the dress in the future,” Frank says drily. “Its price considered.”

“I’m sure I will,” you reply. “It’s a very nice dress.”

Under his breath, you can just hear Frank mutter, “indeed it was,” and then he leaves again before you’ve even properly registered the comment.

[whereisten]

The Wedding Singer - Part 3

The Wedding Singer (feat. Taeyong and Yuta)

Summary: You are an up-and-coming singer and songwriter who is thriving in the wedding singer business. When you find yourself singing for your former best friend Samantha Perez and not-so-former crush Yuta Nakamoto, shit really hits the fan. 

Genre: fluff, drama, romance

Multi-part Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Part 3

Word Count: 3.9k

It was nearing Christmas, which meant there was one week left until the wedding of the century. Samantha finalized the song selections with you. Johnny would be on guitar while Jungwoo would be on piano alongside the rest of the wedding band. Johnny was pretty jazzed because he would see Stella again, rise to the occasion, and ask her out. They met the night you performed at Holy Hell. It was all over for Johnny when Stella genuinely laughed at one of his dad jokes.

Everything seemed to be falling into place these days. Your career was on the rise. Record labels from all over the county wanted to sign you. You were a breakout YouTube star after Jungwoo uploaded your performance of Bad Boy. You were booked for even more weddings that you had to start turning people away.

And best of all, you had the most incredible man in your corner. In the span of months, Taeyong was your best friend and your biggest fan. He showered you with affection in every way that he could. And it seemed like he would never stop.

If only you could find a way to return the favor.

Taeyong was adamant that you did not have to give him anything. He told you that your presence was the present and you had to walk out of his office when he said that to you last week. He’d been spending too much time with Johnny.

You were babysitting Taeyong and Samantha’s little half-sister Sonya while they were away. Her mother was on a yoga treat with her friends. Samantha was doing a photo shoot in New York. She was doing a cover story for Elle Magazine for her success as a fitness model and a celebrity chef. Taeyong was in New York with his father. They were in negotiations to acquire a a very popular restaurant chain that they hoped to bring to Miami.

Yuta picked Sonya up to take her to school before you headed to RCA Records.

“y/n, is there anything you want for Christmas?” Sonya asked you as you tied her hair. She was about to leave for her last day of classes before Christmas break.

You thought about it. As cheesy as it sounded, you had everything you could ever need.

You checked your phone to see if you had any messages and smiled at your lock screen of Taeyong scrunching his nose.

“You’re pink,” Sonya giggled. She watched your reflection.

You shook your head. “Is the AC even on?”

The doorbell downstairs bellowed throughout the Lee estate.

“It must be your future brother-in-law,” you said to her.

Sonya ran out of her room and down the grand staircase of the mansion. She ran past the maid that was about to answer the door.

“YUTA!” Sonya squealed when she saw him at the door.

Yuta gave her a big bear hug.

He was in dark wash jeans and a white tee, looking well-rested. He looked better than you’d last seen him. He’d been up and down about the upcoming nuptials. As much as you wanted to tell him to not go through with the wedding, it wasn’t your place.

“Hey, Yuta,” you said, “How’s it going?”

“It’s going. How are you? Have you decided who you’re signing with yet?” He threw his car keys up and caught them quickly.

“Yuta, what time is it?” You asked.

He frowned as he looked at his Apple Watch. “7:35.”

“Right? I don’t talk about anything serious until after 9:30 so I won’t answer that.”

He laughed as he grabbed Sonya’s Elena of Avalor backpack. “Right. But you’re doing okay right?”

You couldn’t help the smile on your face. “Yeah, everything’s great.”

Yuta mustered his most winning smile as he tried to ignore his truth.

Taeyong and Samantha would be back in time for their friend Sooyoung’s wedding tonight. Because mega pop star Luna had scheduling conflicts and at Taeyong’s high recommendation, Sooyoung hired you a month back. Johnny would join you as a band member and as your singing partner.

;;

After you discussed the set list with Johnny for tonight, you walked back to your car and were surprised when a red tulip was propped on your windshield.

As a woman, you felt joy, confusion, and mostly, fear. This anonymous gift was not to be trusted.

You debated grabbing the tulip because it could’ve been laced with poison. Who would try to do such a thing to you?

Well, Samantha could be above murder.

But was she?

You decided to leave the tulip be so you can get home, grab some gloves, put the tulip in a ziploc bag, and take it to the police station.

It would be awkward to send Samantha to jail a week before her wedding.

You grabbed your keys from your handbag and got into your car.

Your phone rang. You relaxed once you saw who called.

“Hey,” you said, exhaling in relief.

“I guess you don’t like tulips?” Taeyong said, a lace of hurt in his voice.

“That was you?! I thought you were some creep trying to kill me.” Leave out the part where you were 98% sure it was stepsister.

“How would a tulip kill-You need to lay off the Lifetime movies, babe.”

You laughed as you got out of the car and took the tulip in your hands. “If it makes you feel better, it’s the most beautiful flower I’ve ever seen. You took in its fresh scent and hummed. “It smells amazing.”

Taeyong was silent over the line.

“Taeyong?” You asked.

Nothing.

And he hung up when you checked.

You turned back to the driver’s seat and saw him before you with a huge bouquet of red tulips. His big brown eyes were warm and welcoming. You imagined he was beaming behind the bouquet.

You couldn’t wait to kiss him so you pressed yourself against him and the flowers. You pecked him on the lips and almost lost your balance. He steadied you. “Hi,” you said, flustered at being such a dork in front of him.

He wrapped his arms around you for a moment and pulled back. “Mind if I set these aside first?” He didn’t want your flowers to get ruined.

You pulled away from him so he could put the flowers on the driver’s seat.

“Hey, songbird,” he said as he opened his arms wide.

You jumped into his arms and squeezed him tightly.

He’d been gone for a week but you were very clingy.

“I missed you,” you said as you nuzzled into his neck. He smelled of lavender and fabric softener. You wanted to lie in bed with him and snuggle him like a pillow. You were sickening.

“I missed you more,” he said as he kissed the top of your head. “Are you free?”

“I’m free until the ceremony,” you said as you played with the buttons of his baby blue button-down.

“Great because I want to take you somewhere,” he said as he lifted your chin and kissed your lips.

;;

Taeyong took you a pottery painting place. It was called Stella’s. It was located a few blocks from Holy Hell Nightclub. He wanted to bring you here for a while now so you two could be alone in a quiet space and maybe get into a paint fight.

“It’s quiet. Must be a slow day,” you noted, in marvel of the shop. It was filled to the brim with all kinds of figurines to choose from. The paint selection almost brought you to tears.

Taeyong cleared his throat. “Actually, the place is ours for the afternoon.”

You put down a ceramic owl that was too cute for words. “What do you mean?”

“Stella’s parents own this spot and I asked her for a favor.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Are you mad?” Taeyong asked, worried.

You shook your head. “No...It’s just...You are...Too good to me sometimes.”

Taeyong’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Taeyong was the poster child for the ideal boyfriend. It was amazing but sometimes you felt a little out of your league.

And the way that he endlessly spoiled you. You loved every bit of it but you wondered if you were too greedy. If you weren’t doing enough for him.

You worried that at some point, he would get bored with you.

And you knew you were wrong to think that.

Taeyong almost cried when you gave him a homemade minion sweater for him to take to New York.

He appreciated you for you. It wasn’t his fault that he was disgustingly wealthy.

You two had fun together. Most of the time, you two dated like a healthy functioning couple.

Movies. Supermarket trips. Playing with your two cats Kai and Jax at your place. Late night trips to the beach.

The best nights you had together were when you went to the movies and indulged on popcorn.

But then Taeyong would catch you by surprise. Like today.

You admitted to him, “Sometimes...I feel like I’m never going to be able to make you happy the way you do me. I don’t want to let you down.”

Taeyong moved closer to you. “You could never let me down, y/n.”

You held his hands. “I want to make you happy.”

He wrapped his arms around you. “You have no idea just how much better my life is with you in it.”

You nuzzled into his chest and felt the steady beat of his heart. You loved him.

Soon, you would tell him.

You two settled down and started painting. Taeyong picked out a horse figuring to paint all shades of pink for Sonya. You picked a slice of cake figurine for Taeyong for his sweet tooth.

“So when I got up on the stage, I almost fell on my face,” you said, remembering your junior year of high school. The first time you sang in public was at your school’s annual talent show.

“You were nervous,” Taeyong noted.

“I wanted the earth to swallow me whole,” you said, “If it weren’t for Johnny being beside me of the stage, I never would’ve given myself the chance.” Johnny was one of the reasons why you became a singer. He believed in you. He was your truest friend.

Taeyong added, “He’s a great friend to you. I’m happy you have such good people around you.”

You rolled your eyes to avoid blushing. “You are so...Sweet that I’m about to get a cavity. I saw a dentist around the corner. I gotta bounce and get that filling.”

Taeyong chuckled. “I’m stating facts, y/n. Most of my friends are in LA so seeing you two makes me miss that...”

What about Yuta, you wondered. But something inside you made you decide not to mention it.

“I’m sorry,” you replied, “Maybe we spend too much time together?”

Taeyong froze. “What?”

“Taeyong, your life is basically work, me, and accumulating the best plush Pokémon collection.”

Taeyong gaped. “I resent that. Your life is basically work, me, and accumulating the best Pokémon card collection.”

“To conclude, we’re both nerds that need to get out more,” you said.

“But I love spending time with you. You’re my best friend,” Taeyong admitted.

You grabbed your paintbrush full of dandelion yellow paint and painted his arm. “Shut up.”

Taeyong grabbed his brush full of rose pink paint and painted your nose. “Cringe brings out cringe, babe.”

You painted each other and tried to restrict the mess to your table so Stella wouldn’t blacklisted either of you.

Taeyong traced magenta onto your side bang. You laughed as you finished painting your cake slice.

He just watched you for a moment. The sparkle of mischief in your eye when you stared at each other. The wondrous song that was your laugh. The matching Spongebob friendship rings you bought.

“y/n,” he said slowly. The sound of your name on his mouth sounded so lovely.

“Yeah?” You asked, focused on painting a corner carefully but peeking at his soft expression.

“I-“ Taeyong began.

And then his phone rang. He glared at his phone. He sighed.

He answered his phone, “Can it wait?”

The person on the other line replied.

Taeyong’s eyes grew. “I see. We’ll discuss it on Monday, Doyoung. Okay, thanks.” He hung up.

“What’s up?” You asked. Taeyong’s demeanor was unreadable.

He debated telling you about his latest job opportunity but he wanted to make sure he had all of the details before he brought it up with you.

“Remember how I told you it’s been a dream of mine to start up my own cinema chain?”

He told you on your first “date”. “Yeah.”

“Well, Doyoung and I are planning to lay the groundwork for our own movie theater. We just spoke to our last investor and we got the green light.”

“Your own movie theater?” You gasped. “Tae, that’s incredible!” You squeezed his hand.

He smiled softly and it quickly faded. “The thing is...”

“It’s not in Miami,” you finished, already having a feeling with the way he reacted over the phone.

He shook his head. “It’s in LA.”

“Oh,” you said.

He watched you carefully. “I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t anticipate our plans developing so quickly. I wasn’t sure if it would happen. I’m so happy here with you. I would never want you to think-“

“Honey, it’s your dream,” you started, “I want this for you.”

“But...would it be too much for me to ask you to come with me? If not, could you handle long distance?” He worried about stressing you out. He thought he had more time.

You thought about it. You had a lot of doors opened for you that you had to consider. “I’m not sure. It all depends on who I sign with.”

Taeyong nodded.

You continued, “Can you wait for me to join you?”

Taeyong was surprised. “What?”

“I want to go with you. I just need some time to get my affairs in order. End things with the agency. Move out of my apartment. Say goodbye.”

Taeyong broke out into a smile, his soulful brown eyes squinting from cheesing so hard. “Really?”

You giggled. “You looking for a roommate?”

Taeyong reached over and kissed you. It almost felt like he said “I love you”.

Honestly, he didn’t even have to say it. You just knew.

;;

Choi Sooyoung’s wedding was in Miami Beach at the Grand SeasideHotel. The ceremony took place at the beach and the festivities were in the hotel ballroom. You began your set with a father and daughter dance. Then, you continued with love songs for the couple and the standard party ones for the whole group in attendance to get on the dance floor. Your rendition of Cha Cha Slide was one no one would forget.

You looked radiant. You wore a silver dress that went down to your heels. The beads gave a subtle rainbow effect that you glowed onstage. You sang Adele’s “One and Only”. A lot of couples slow danced.

Taeyong danced with Sonya.

“Better than Adele, right Taeyong?!” She asked.

Taeyong laughed. “I believed you when you said it the first time.”

He remembered Sonya mentioned the wedding singer Samantha and Yuta hired. Yuta wasn’t the only one who raved. The minute Samantha found your YouTube channel, she started spamming Taeyong with your videos.

Your cover videos were of just your voice. You hid in the shadows to give some mystery.

Taeyong began falling in love right then and there.

And then when he saw you for the first time, it was really over for him.

Sonya ran off to find her sister and Yuta joined Taeyong to watch you belt it out.

“Hey, she’s unreal, isn’t she?” Yuta asked.

Taeyong replied. “She’s...There are no words.”

“I’m surprised she hasn’t signed with a label yet,” Yuta replied.

“Y/n is thinking of joining Epic,” Taeyong adds, “It’s funny, you know. I didn’t even think to invite someone from epic.”

Yuta blurted, “I’m guilty.”

“What?” Taeyong eyed him carefully.

“I invited the Epic Records exec.”

“Oh.” Taeyong is silent. How did Yuta think to invite your dream label and he didn’t?

It turned out that Yuta snuck a peak into your lyric journal that night at Starbucks when you excused yourself to go to the bathroom. He was curious to see what you’ve written. He did find a song about himself dated back 6 years ago. It was your catharsis for letting him go. But Yuta took a photo of the page and has read it over many times. He also found a page of your goals, which included possibly joining Epic Records one day. But Yuta would never admit that to Taeyong.

He wanted you to chase your dreams and achieve them. A phone call to his friends at Epic wasn’t a big deal to him. He wanted you two to be happy. He would simply hold onto the fact that at one point in time, you liked him.

“I have a friend at the label. You remember Kyla?” Yuta asked smoothly.

And with that, they resumed enjoying the party.

You performed “You’re The One That I Want” with Johnny, who went the extra mile and brought a leather jacket just for that song.

As you performed song after song, the buzz about you grew stronger and stronger, much to Samantha’s annoyance.

When you got a break, Taeyong led you to his table. He went to grab you some water and wedding cake. People passed you at the table, praising you and giving you their contact information because they wanted you at their next event.

When that was over, you took a deep breath and relaxed.

“You must be so happy.”

You froze at the sound of her serpentine voice. Samantha sat beside you.

You knew this wouldn’t go well.

“You have my half-brother wrapped around your little finger. It’s because of him, you’re on the verge of commercial success. You could have everything you want. Because of him.” She was very pointed when she said “because of him”. She wore a dark red party dress and her long nails matched. It was like she was out for blood. Yours, probably.

“Samantha,” you started.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re taking advantage of my brother.” She tapped her nails against her glass of champagne.

“Hold on just a second-“

“I wouldn’t put it past you since you never did quite get over your crush on Yuta.” Her hazel eyes turned into daggers.

You stayed silent. Waiting for her to finish her tirade before you ended her.

“I see the way you make those little first day freshman year eyes at him. It was cute, at first. Since he’s a major NBA player and one of the most influential men in the city. You were starstruck. After all, we went to high school with him. But it’s been months now. You’re dating Taeyong. He’s done nothing but shower you with the best. And what do you do? Look at my fiancé when Taeyong’s isn’t looking.”

“Are you finished?” You asked.

Samantha smirked. “For now.”

“I don’t know what gave you the impression that I was sweet on Yuta. I’ll admit seeing you two after seven years brought out old feelings. But they died when I met Taeyong. Ever since I met him, my life has been wonderful and adventurous and I feel like I’m on top of the world. Record deal or not. I’m happy where I am. Taeyong has done a lot for me and I’ll never let that go unappreciated. Is he helping me make my dreams come true? He always has. Since the first time he asked me to play something for him. Look, I haven’t told anyone this but I’ll let you be the first to hear it. I’m turning all of the labels down. Not to prove anything to you. But to prove to myself that I can make it without anyone’s help. So for you to say that I’m taking advantage of Taeyong? Well...you’re lucky to be Taeyong’s family.” Or else you wouldn’t have been courteous.

You got up from the table because you didn’t want to see Samantha’s stuck up face for at least an hour.

“Hey,” Taeyong said as he touched your arm. “Are you okay?” He noticed you looked flushed.

You nodded as you took the glass of water from Taeyong. You gulped most of it down. “My throat was getting dry but I’m good now!”

Taeyong grinned. “I can’t get enough of you, you know that? That cover of Cha Cha Slide is one for the history books.”

You rolled your eyes. “Put the cake down and dance with me.”

You two danced to Miracles Happen by Myra. Sooyoung was a big Princess Diaries fan. Taeyong spun you around and you tickled him when he least expected it. It was one of his weaknesses.

;;

Samantha didn’t realize Yuta heard what she accused you of.

“What is your problem?” Yuta asked.

“What do you mean?” Samantha snapped. “That little wedding singer has infiltrated our lives and I was just putting her in her place.”

Yuta groaned in frustration. “Leave y/n alone Sam.”

“Why are you so concerned about her? I’m trying to save my brother from getting his heart broken by that-“

Yuta dared her to finish that sentence. “I’m gonna stop you right there.”

“Why are you getting so defensive over her? Don’t tell me you still have a thing for her.” But she already knew that.

Yuta remained silent.

“Oh?” She exclaimed, egging him on.

Yuta gave her a pointed look. “Don’t give me that. It was never a secret and you knew it.”

Samantha seethed. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. She told me she loves Taeyong. And, in case you forgot, you’re marrying me. If you know what’s good for you.”

Reality sunk in even deeper for Yuta. He stormed off and hit up the open bar. He was mad he had to marry someone he didn’t love. And for what? Fame and success? An obligation to the Lees and Samantha’s biological father?

A small part of him hurt that the only girl he ever really liked was in love with someone else. That someone else being his best friend.

;;

You finished your set. You were going to meet Taeyong at the photo booth set up for the reception.

You both sat in the photobooth.

“What do you think? Duck faces?” Taeyong asked.

You knew the only answer was yes.

“Wait! I saw some more props closer to the entrance. I’ll be right back,” he said as he kissed your cheek and squeezed your cheeks. “You are so adorable. I think I can die and go to Heaven now.” He was definitely buzzed.

You laughed and then waited.

A few second later someone opened the curtain. You were shocked to see who it was.

“Yuta?” You asked him.

He was drunk out of his wits. His long hair was disheveled and at the sight of you, he ran his hands through it again.

He looked at you in adoration. “Hey.”

“Yuta, are you okay? I-“

Yuta moved in and the flashes could be heard. He kissed you sloppily. You could feel the vodka from his lips. Alarms were going off in your head. You panicked and pushed him away hard.

“Get off of me.” You said as you pushed past him out of the photobooth.

“Y/n, come back! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Yuta stayed in the photobooth, despondent.

;;

Neither you or Yuta realized that you left something very important behind at the photobooth.

But someone else did.

To Be Continued in Part 4

A/N: You thought I forgot. 😉 I had to revise one little detail in chapter 1. Y/N auditioned for Yuta and Samantha in September instead of April! Thanks for reading and especially thanks for waiting. 😭

[sharethisgemwithme]

Zach and Grace Friday panel at Connecticon 2019

Some highlights and notes from the "Growing Up with Steven Universe" panel featuring Zach Callison and Grace Rolek, Friday afternoon at Connecticon 2019. There are some promo spoilers. Most quotes are approximate from the notes I took on my phone. There may be a recording of the panel, but the camera was blocked by the audience question line for a while and when I got to the front of the line, I saw it wasn't even pointed at Zach and Grace.

Sorted into broad categories:

Movie hype / spoilery talk

Host asked about the poster. Zach said he's kinda looked at it, but not studied it closely. Grace: "Spoiler alert, someone has a neck." Zach: "That's all anyone can talk about."

What's the hardest scene to record that you've done. Zach: "I hate to do this but the hardest scene I've done I did a few weeks ago and I can't talk about it for quite a while." [audience groans]

Audience member: "I have a question about the movie." Zach makes police siren noises, "Oh no the Cartoon Network spoiler police!"

Attempts to get even small details were denied. "So we saw you have a neck. Is your voice going to change?" [pause] Zach: "A week from today (Friday), there's a big panel and there's gonna be a bunch of stuff. I recommend you watch."

This was earlier in the day, when I met Zach in the autograph line. Me: "I'm really looking forward to all the stuff that's gonna come out next week in San Diego." Zach: "There's so much. I'm not going to be there, after six years of going, I need a vacation."

Zach makes ABUNDANTLY clear how excited he is for what's coming up, "I am thrilled with what they've done after CYM."

Reaction to the new gems from CYM. Zach: "Sunstone is one of my favorites now. Like an after-school camp counselor." Grace: "Obsidian is one of the hardest secrets I've ever had to keep on this show." They finished recording CYM in 2017!

Have you ever cried in the recording booth? Zach: "Over a dozen times. One time really badly... with something that hasn't come out yet."

What's the biggest theme you've taken from the show? Zach: "I'm really sorry to do this, but I'm gonna skip this question because the theme I take away is something that hasn't come up in the show yet." He says the show has become intensely personal to him and his experiences, both intentionally and unintentionally, and says if he accidentally gave hints as to upcoming themes, it wouldn't be fair to the crew. (This probably ties in with some of the stuff below under “Outside of SU”)

Favorites and funniest

What's the hardest scene to record that you've done. Among stuff that's aired, Zach: Storm in the Room. Connie: "Either Nightmare Hospital or Full Disclosure when Connie is like 'Stop ghosting me, Steven!' "

What are some funny moments from recording? The opening scene from "Winter Forecast", the directors INSISTED on real marshmallows, "nothing else would do". Grace: "And these were not small. There's jumbo and then there's novelty size." Zach: "They got novelty size." Grace: "I could barely fit one inside my mouth."

Favorite episode (this question might've had a "besides the Big Plot episodes" caveat).

Zach: "Onion Gang. Any of the weird Onion episodes."

Grace: "I realize this is an unpopular opinion but I love the Ronaldo episodes. I have a Keep Beach City Weird sticker on my laptop. I don't like having stuff that's too overtly Steven Universe because I don't like to toot my own horn, but KBCW is great because it's 'if you know, you know'." Zach: "It's a lifestyle."

That segued into talk about "Rocknaldo", which Zach thought was hilarious, especially the way CN trolled everyone with the Bloodstone promo. Grace "Was that the one where Ronaldo tried to kill someone in the basement?" Discussion brings up that's "Horror Club". Grace continues, "That was a great one, like what are we DOING? No one went to jail for this?"

Favorite songs:

First, ones that they did.

Zach said "Let's Only Think About Love". I think he added a second one, but my notes say “or” and then stop there so I think I moved on to the next bit and forgot what else he said.

Grace says "Of course 'Do it for Her'" but also that she loved providing background harmonies for "Escapism". "Aly and AJ was the first concert I ever went to, so to do back-up vocals for AJ was the greatest fangirl moment." (There’s been some confusion as to whether Zach and Grace had vocals on that song, it’s now clear that they did)

Then, overall. Zach immediately sings "It's over, isn't it? Isn't it over?" Grace grumbles that she can't take the same answer, so she throws out "Stronger Than You".

"Back in the start of the show, it was a lot more lighthearted. What's the funniest or weirdest line you had to record?" Zach IMMEDIATELY goes into voice: "A boy on the cusp of manhood can't spend the whole day wackering." Grace enjoyed her line from "Open Book": "Of course you like the ending, you LOVE schmultz."

Pivoting into the weirdness of early episodes, Zach says "Frybo and Cat Fingers were back to back, 5 and 6. I don't know how anyone stuck with the show after that."

What's the biggest theme you've taken from the show? Grace: "I think about Mindful Education all the time. Here Comes a Thought is such a great song but also an important mantra."

Other than Uncle Grandpa, what crossover would you like to do? Zach: "I wanna be the very best!" Audience cheers. Grace says she would've loved to do "Adventure Time".

This segues into a joke that people confuse Zach for Jeremy Shada (Finn), in some cases even when Zach is standing in front of a poster that says ZACH CALLISON. Grace says that her boyfriend loves the joke so much that Zach is listed in his phone as "Jeremy Shada".

Behind the scenes

What was it like seeing the show blow up the way it did? Grace: "I used to go on Tumblr and read all the posts, all the reactions people had, but after Jail Break... couldn't do that anymore." Zach: "I poke my head into a reddit every once in a while."

What's it like in the booth with the rest of the cast? Grace: "Deedee and Michaela always get to do the funniest things."

Discussion of how voice acting lends them a little more anonymity than live-action, and there's still a spectrum of how recognizable people are.

Grace recounts a story from earlier in the day, possibly on the way to that very panel. "The elevator was pretty crowded and I was able to get on but Zach wasn't. And as soon as it closed, one of the other people in the elevator was like 'Oh my god, Zach Callison almost got on the elevator with us!' And I was like 'Oh my god, that would've been so cool!'"

Both Zach and Grace recounted times when they've greeted stranger wearing SU apparel and gotten blank stares in response, like, "Uh, yeah, what's your point?"

Zach: "As of Sunday, I'm leaving the country to be a hobo for a bit." He's flying to Siberia, then taking a 62-hour train ride to get on a boat to Korea, where he plans to visit the Korean animation studio where SU is drawn (as seen in "Steven's Dream"), something almost no actors do (apparently Michaela was more or less the first to do so, for any show at all).

Sometimes Grace will have a lot of "catching up" to do with the plot. "One time Rebecca was like 'oh by the way Lars is pink now." Zach jokes, "Lars is pink, Ronaldo and Pearl are married, oh and Steven is dead."

Have you ever cried in the recording booth? Zach: "Over a dozen times." Grace says she has, sometimes in group records.

More joking around: "Yes, I'm Zach Callison, the voice of Onion. I'll be in my booth." "You should have a print that's just Onion." "With the flames behind him."

What were your auditions like? Grace: "I was reading the sides from 'Bubble Buddies', and Connie is worried she's gonna die with no friends and I was like 'This is a kids show? This is a show for children and I'm supposed to say these words?!'" She saw Rebecca Sugar's name attached to the show, which she recognized as a fan of Adventure Time, particularly Marceline "I'm edgy like her!"

Audience member starts her question: "Ohmygod, my heart is in my ass. Wait, can I say ass?" Grace: "You can say whatever you want, you're not under the thumb of Time Warner." Zach: "Technically, I've never signed any NDA. Oh hell, I'm leaving the country in three days. ACT ONE!" [laughter, and he does not continue with joke spoilers]

Outside of Steven Universe

Tell us about yourself outside of Steven Universe. Zach: "I'm a dirty rowdy hippie." He goes to music festivals barefoot (but not urban ones).

Zach talked about some of the over-the-top scenes he's been in or seen on "The Goldbergs", where he plays a minor recurring character, including one where the actual rain they were filming in wasn't enough, so the producers dumped thousands of gallons of additional rainwater on the cast.

Zach said he hasn't auditioned for anything new in a while (I think he said at least a year) because of burnout. Whenever SU may end, he's ready for a break. Following on with that, discussion of what a shitty industry Hollywood is, especially for kids.

Zach: "A lotta people (in this industry), their big break is a show they hate, and that kills me to think that. And it couldn't be further from the truth for anyone in SU. If I had booked a live-action sitcom that ran six seasons, I wouldn't be here. I'd be in a much darker place."

What would you be doing if not this?

Zach: "I enrolled in college, signed up for things, never went to class, and eventually dropped out. I never had any other plan." Ties into further discussion of what an absolute nightmare Hollywood is for kids, that some of his friends from high school are no longer around.

Grace: "I went to college for two years (she would've graduated this spring), trying to make sure I had a plan B lined up. But flying back and forth from San Francisco to Los Angeles was getting ridiculous and I realized I wasn't being fair to my plan A."

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Pluralistic: 06 Mar 2020 (Stunning RPG dice, Shell funded climate denial, Church sends US predator priests to Mexico, South Korea is beating covid-19)

Today's links

The most beautiful RPG dice I've ever seen: And you can also make your own.

The king of Dutch climate denial was secretly in Shell's pay: Frits Böttcher was a packrat, and his papers detail exactly how he was paid to sow climate doubt. He was very good at it.

American Catholic officials helped priests who preyed on children escape to Mexico: At least 51 "credibly accused" priests left the US and took up positions abroad.

A grifty AI company conned the state of Utah into giving access to everything: Banjo claims it will predict and head off terrorist attacks, mass shootings, and child abductions without invading anyone's privacy.

Clearview AI says it only lets cops use its facial recognition tool but it's lying: Investors, cronies and pals got to literally use it as a party trick.

South Korea's beating covid-19 with free testing: Testing is part of the free national health system, and 140,000 tests have been administered.

The web is unusably beshitted with terrible ad-tech: "No, I don't want great articles."

For $3, a robolawyer will automatically force data brokers to delete you and sue the ones who don't: Donotpay meets the CCPA, it's like peanut butter and chocolate.

:

This day in history: 2005, 2015, 2019

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

The most beautiful RPG dice I've ever seen (permalink)

Sasha is a spectacularly talented RPG dice-maker, whose online store features the most beautiful dice I've ever seen – and as if that wasn't enough, she also sells dice-making kits to use at home.

https://www.sunshadeauarts.com/sunshadeauarts-academy/

Last month, ahead of the C2E2 con, she posted a series of new, not-for-sale (argh) dice that embed a variety of materials inside large D20s to form nebulas, clouds, alien landscapes, menacing eyeballs, and eldritch scenes. Check them out for yourself!

https://twitter.com/sunshadeauarts/status/1232722877008490497 https://twitter.com/sunshadeauarts/status/1229445585717035010 https://twitter.com/sunshadeauarts/status/1232795390916911104 https://twitter.com/sunshadeauarts/status/1233370655216881664 https://twitter.com/sunshadeauarts/status/1233380666810806274

It's hard to say what these will cost; comparable dice on her site sell for $400. They're handmade, beautiful sculptures, after all.

https://www.sunshadeauarts.com/product/less-than-perfect-midnight-aurora-handmade-resin-inkless-titan-d20/

At that price, they're maybe too expensive for a gift for yourself, but as a graduation present, maybe? And that said, it's exactly the kind of thing I sometimes buy to celebrate selling a new novel, and that's on my roadmap for THE LOST CAUSE, my post-GND, truth-and-reconciliation novel, so I'm definitely putting a reminder in my calendar.

The king of Dutch climate denial was secretly in Shell's pay (permalink)

Club of Rome founder Frits Böttcher was the Netherlands' leading climate denier. He died in 2008. Investigative journalists combing through his papers, discovered that he was paid €500K by Shell and others to sow doubt about climate change.

https://www.ftm.nl/dutch-multinationals-funded-climate-sceptic

His network pushed out scientific frauds like the idea that excess atmospheric CO2 would be "good for plants" through books, lectures and reports.

He was good at it. His work was crucial to stalling action on climate change in the 1990s. Despite this, his 24 sponsors dumped him in 1998 after the signing of the Kyoto Protocol, worried that outright climate denial had lost credibility.

No wonder! This was the guy who'd called climate science "a witch-hunt on CO2" and declared "Our planet is not a greenhouse."

In his papers, Böttcher notes that after he published these frauds, Shell contacted him and offered him giant sums to keep it up and amplify it. The work was personally commissioned by Shell managing director Huub Van Engelshoven. Böttcher was a packrat. His papers in the Noord-Hollands Archief in Haarlem stack 15.9m tall. Inside of them is an eye-wateringly detailed account of how wealthy, planet-wrecking firms deliberately and maliciously paid for climate denial.

That means that we now can name names. We think of climate denial as a kind of emergent property with no human agent, but as the world drowns, roasts, and writhes with pandemic, we have the names and addresses of the people who engineered that situation for their own gain. We know who his political allies were: the VVD party. When the Netherlands' dikes fail and the country begins to drown, these politicians might still be running for office.

It's tempting to think of the climate crisis as something we all bear responsibility for, because we didn't sort our recycling or because we didn't use the underfunded, anemic public transit options available to us. But efforts like this – from Platform Authentieke Journalistiek and Follow the Money – show we were corralled into our complicity by a network of super-rich plutes for their own gain, who knew they were wrecking the world and dooming our children but did not care.

American Catholic officials helped priests who preyed on children escape to Mexico (permalink)

A new instalment in Propublica's outstanding coverage of the Catholic Church's complicity in sexual abuse by priests shows that dozens of American priests who raped children were relocated to Mexico, where they continued to rape children

https://www.propublica.org/article/dozens-of-catholic-priests-credibly-accused-of-abuse-found-work-abroad-some-with-the-churchs-blessing#178005

These priests found new postings thanks to glowing letters of recommendation from church officials who knew that they had been accused – or, in some cases convicted – of raping children in their parishes. Some fled to Mexico to avoid prison, resisting extradition for years.

Not just Mexico: Propublica found 51 "credibly accused" US priests who are currently working in Mexico, Ireland, Nigeria, and the Philippines. Some of them continued to draw pay from their US parishes while they settled in abroad. Parishoners' donations paid for the predators who victimized their children to escape justice.

One priest, Jose Antonio Pinal, wrote letters to Church officials blaming the boy he raped, saying, "that he is not innocent of the situation he wants to blame me for completely." Pinal is still ministering in Cuernavaca. He claims his longrunning rapes of a 15-year-old were consensual, but "he was a minor; so, legally, I am screwed."

When he moved to Mexico, Sacramento church officials wrote to him promising to support him, so long as the new diocese promised to "protect the diocese of Sacramento against any financial liability for any acts committed by you while working in that diocese."

Some of these priests are listed as "inactive" in Church websites, but are still ministering in Mexico. Rev. Jeffrey David Newell, admitted to sexually abusing another 15 year old, and called it a "mistake." He currently serves in Tijuana. Newell says it was a single slip up. Other survivors of his abuse have filed lawsuits against his old US archdiocese. Newell calls their claims "totally absurd." His name has been removed from Church lists of "credibly accused" sexual predators in the clergy.

These predators' survivors are alive and deeply traumatized. And thanks to the inaction, complicity and even encouragement of US Catholic church officials, these priests are ruining the lives of new children all over the world.

A grifty AI company conned the state of Utah into giving access to everything (permalink)

The State of Utah has secretly contracted with "Banjo," a grifty "AI" company, to analyze all the surveillance and internal data generated by all the state's agencies.

https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20200305/13422544042/ai-company-has-access-to-pretty-much-every-piece-surveillance-tech-state-utah-owns.shtml

Banjo gets all the 911 calls, CCTV camera feeds, license plate readers, and internal state databases, and its proprietary, secret algorithm will comb through all that to direct law enforcement.

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/k7exem/banjo-ai-company-utah-surveillance-panopticon

The company claims there are no privacy concerns because it has a patented system for anonymizing data. The patents do not disclose their anonymization method, and every other attempt at this kind of anonymization has fallen prey to "re-identification" attacks.

Banjo gets to locate a facility inside the Utah DOT HQ, and will operate in all 29 counties, state university campuses and 23 cities (including Utah's 10 largest cities). The company's making $20.7m on this contract over five years.

Using FOIA requests, Motherboard retrieved records showing how Banjo got Utah officials to help it sell its services ot the state. When Motherboard questioned the officials about this, they flat-out lied and denied it. The Banjo pitch claims that they'll head off terrorist attacks, mass shootings and child abductions in realtime. The company provides zero evidence that they have ever done such a thing, or that they ever could.

But that lack of evidence didn't deter Utah AG Ric Cantrell:

"They do have case studies. I'm waiting for case studies from Banjo. I'm still waiting for information from them."

Uh, maybe you should have seen the studies before putting Banjo's servers behind your firewall?

Clearview AI says it only lets cops use its facial recognition tool but it's lying (permalink)

Clearview AI is another grifty "AI" company cutting secret deals with law enforcement to use its facial recognition tech, which relies on a database of nonconsensually scraped social media photos.

They claim only cops get to use this. It's a lie.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/05/technology/clearview-investors.html

Clearview investors, clients and cronies all have logins to the system. Long before it was selling to cops, these people were literally using it as a party trick, getting people at parties to give them photos to subject to Clearview analysis, just for shits and giggles.

For example, billionaire John Catsimatidis used it to freak out his daughter, sneaking a pic of her data while she was at a restaurant and then IDing the guy and texting her with the guy's bio while she was still eating with him.

An investor named David Scalzo gave the app to his children: "They like to use it on themselves and their friends to see who they look like in the world. It's kind of fun for people."

It sure seems like Ashton Kutcher also got to run around and use it without limit or accountability. Last time I checked, he was also not a police officer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNhYqLbsAGk&feature=youtu.be

One tech expert, Nicholas Cassimatis, uses the app as "a hobby."

Your 21st Century panopticon, folks, brought to you by compulsive liars who ask us to trust them not to get it wrong.

South Korea's beating covid-19 with free testing (permalink)

South Korea has tested 140,000 people for Covid-19. The tests are free for all as part of the nation's public health program. Testing has led to world-leading containment of the disease.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-03-04/south-korea-tests-hundreds-of-thousands-to-fight-virus-outbreak

President Moon Jae-in calls it a "war" and has put the country on the kind of footing that you'd expect of any existential threat, sidelining the interests of industry in favor of national survival. They're testing 10,000 people/day. Results are available in hours. You can get tested at drive-through testing centers. The kits are 90% accurate and were developed by a domestic producer, Seegene Inc.

America is learning that offshoring high-tech manufacturing to save on labor costs and allowing its private sector to dominate its healthcare resulted in a brittle situation where it can't produce reliable tests, and the unreliable tests are only available to the wealthy.

The fate of uninsured, untested, untreated Americans is not theirs alone. They're the ones preparing wealthy Americans' food and cleaning their homes.

We have a shared microbial destiny that no amount of neoliberal doctrine can handwave away.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/03/01/shared-microbial-destiny/#covidclasswar

The web is unusably beshitted with terrible ad-tech (permalink)

The web is unusably beshitted and encrufted with popups, interstitials, rolldowns, nagware, paywalls, autoplaying video, ads that scroll with the page, and worse. I haven't looked at the web without an adblocker in years and it's still barely usable.

https://www.cjr.org/first_person/the-infinite-scroll.php

The modern web's equilibrium is "as terrible as possible, without being so terrible that you stop reading," or, worse, "as terrible as is necessary to get you pay to bypass the paywall."

In the CJR, David Roth publishes one of the most pitiless, accurate, evocative descriptions of using the modern internet of cruft.

"The page loads, and a little video ad box rises from the bottom left of the screen and begins buffering. Then a big box pops up over the small one with an offer to subscribe to the paper at a special promotional rate… As you contemplate it, the video begins to play in a muted spasm. This throws a scrim of gray over the rest of the page, making it impossible to read…While you've been triaging a second small video player has floated up into the middle left of the screen. You manage to close these various boxes, and now you can scroll. For a few seconds, anyway, until another ad creeps down from the banner ad above the headline."

But Roth isn't merely complaining here. He's also digging into the underlying reality: dwindling margins, short-term thinking, monopolization of the ad-market, and a buyer's market for ads that lets advertisers demand worse and worse of publishers. Publishers are staffed with people who are "perpetually maxed-out and stressed and scrabbling for a dwindling and finite amount of money." They're choosing chumboxes and other garbage because they want to keep the lights on.

This happened before, of course. It's an HTML5, CSS-enabled reprise of the pop-up wars, where exploding inventory and finite advertising allowed advertisers to play publishers off against each other with increasingly obnoxious, intrusive pop-ups.

These were unbelievably terrible, even by modern standards. Pop-ups would spawn at 1px X 1px, making them invisible, autoplaying audio. Others would sense your mouse heading for the close box and move themselves away from your pointer. They'd spawn 3 more pop-ups for every one you closed, or 300, until your computer ran out of RAM and crashed, taking all your work with it.

These pop-ups didn't go away because publishers won the battle. They went away because of pop-up blocking.

When Opera, and then Mozilla, turned pop-up blocking on by default, users finally had a meaningful reason to prefer one browser to the others. One browser was usable. The other one let pop-up ads crash your computer and eat your unsaved docs. As users switched en masse to blocking browsers, publishers could tell advertisers, "Look, we'll run any garbage ad you tell us to because we need your money. But if it's a pop-up it will be blocked by the majority of our users. They just won't see it."

The pop-up wars were won because technologists helped users exercise technological self-determination. But increasingly, browser vendors are ad-tech companies. Even when they're not, browsers are being designed to serve publishers (who are under advertisers' thumbs), not users.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2017/09/open-letter-w3c-director-ceo-team-and-membership

We should address monopolies in ad-tech and browsers, we should create meaningful privacy protections via a federal privacy law with a private right of action. But all of that needs to be accompanied with legal cover for users who assert the right to unshittify their web sessions.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/07/adblocking-how-about-nah

This won't just protect users, it will protect publishers. It's one thing to prohibit publishers from intrusive advertising. But it's another altogether to make that kind of advertising literally technically impossible.

For $3, a robolawyer will automatically force data brokers to delete you and sue the ones who don't (permalink)

The always-amazing Donotpay has a new robot-lawyer service: as part of your $3/month, they'll serve every data-broker with a demand to purge your records under the CCPA, and sue the ones who don't.

https://fortune.com/2020/03/05/delete-location-data-privacy-personal-information-donotpay/

Data-brokers don't just drive nuisance calls, they also expose you to risks like being doxed and swatted, or having your identity stolen, including by stalkers and bounty hunters who exploit mobile phone tracking to get your realtime location. Every single person should purge their data from every single data-broker, period. Donotpay targets the top 20 brokers and facial recognition companies, including Clearview AI.

Donotpay automates opt-outs for these companies. It also automates suing companies that don't comply or those that make illegal demands like requiring you to send a scan of your driver's license before they'll purge your records. Once you're signed up, you can opt out your whole family, and even your friends. If you don't want a $3/month sub (which gets you tons of other awesome robolawyering), you can just sign up once, pay $3, purge your records and cancel.

Fulfilling deletion requests costs companies about $10. You can use them punitively. Any time a company pisses you off, you can just file a data-deletion demand under CCPA.

When Donot pay started, it was Ios only and I couldn't use it. Somewhere along the way, they got a web interface, too. I just signed up. I'm gonna pay for the wifi on my flight this afternoon just so I can explore all its options.

This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago Bram Cohen's Stanford talk on BitTorrent https://web.archive.org/web/20051124040524/http://stanford-online.stanford.edu/courses/ee380/050216-ee380-100.asx

#5yrsago DMCA abuser ordered to pay $25K to WordPress https://torrentfreak.com/wordpress-wins-25000-from-dmca-takedown-abuser-150305/

#5yrsago Albuquerque PD encrypts videos before releasing them in records request https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20150221/17074630102/albuquerque-police-dept-complies-with-records-request-releasing-password-protected-videos-not-password.shtml

#5yrsago Judge who invented Ferguson's debtor's prisons owes $170K in tax https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/mar/06/ferguson-judge-owes-unpaid-taxes-ronald-brockmeyer

#5yrsago Hartford, CT says friends can't room together unless some of them are servants https://www.courant.com/news/connecticut/hc-hartford-scarborough-street-house-0218-20150217-story.html

#5yrsago Finnish millionaire gets EUR54K speeding ticket https://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-31709454

#1yrago Zuckerberg announces a comprehensive plan for a new, privacy-focused Facebook, but fails to mention data sharing and ad targeting https://www.wired.com/story/facebook-zuckerberg-privacy-pivot/

#1yrago Ruminations on decades spent writing stories that run more than 1,000,000 words https://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2019/03/lessons-learned-writing-really.html

#1yrago A thorough defense of Modern Monetary Theory https://www.forbes.com/sites/johntharvey/2019/03/05/mmt-sense-or-nonsense/#62e9ed235852

#1yrago GOP lawmaker driven mad by bill that would decriminalize children who take naked photos of themselves, delivers a frenzied rant about anal sex on legislature's floor https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2019/03/05/39511377/a-bill-decriminalizing-teen-sexting-passes-the-house-causing-republican-to-scream-about-anal-sex-on-the-floor

#1yrago Bounty hunters and stalkers are able to track you in realtime by lying to your phone company and pretending to be cops https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/panvkz/stalkers-debt-collectors-bounty-hunters-impersonate-cops-phone-location-data

#1yrago From prisons to factories to offices: the spread of workplace surveillance and monitoring tech https://datasociety.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/DandS_WorkplaceMonitoringandSurveillance-.pdf

#1yrago NH GOP lawmakers mocked gun violence survivors by wearing clutchable pearl necklaces to gun control hearing https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/03/06/gop-lawmakers-wore-pearls-while-gun-violence-victims-testified-activists-were-outraged/?utm_term=.addd1b7a24f8

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: Emptywheel (https://www.emptywheel.net/), Slashdot (https://slashdot.org), Naked Capitalism (https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/), Super Punch (https://superpunch.net/, Bas van Beek (http://www.basvanbeek.com/).

Hugo nominators! My story "Unauthorized Bread" is eligible in the Novella category and you can read it free on Ars Technica: https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

Upcoming appearances:

Museums and the Web: March 31-April 4 2020, Los Angeles. https://mw20.museweb.net/

LA Times Festival of Books: 18 April 2020, Los Angeles. https://events.latimes.com/festivalofbooks/

Currently writing: I'm rewriting a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I'm also working on "Baby Twitter," a piece of design fiction also set in The Lost Cause's prehistory, for a British think-tank. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel afterwards.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: Disasters Don't Have to End in Dystopias: https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/01/disasters-dont-have-to-end-in-dystopias/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020.

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a very special, s00per s33kr1t intro.

[the-sarcastic-trashmouth]

Would you stay if I’m sick? (Request)

Prompt: I saw you were asking for writing prompts for the IT fandom and I have read and loved all of your fics on Ao3 and would love to see you write something about Stanley’s OCD perhaps stozier or stanpat! Love your work!! ❤️--Anonymous

Summary: “You might want to visit a doctor. Are you aware that you show signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?” She asked, causing Stan to blink a few times.

“Wait, wait--You think Stan the man has OCD?” Richie raised his hand before asking.

“It’s possible. I’m not saying that’s what you have. I’m saying that it’s something to look into.” She explains. 

“Is… Is something wrong with me?” Stan asked worriedly.

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Stanley Uris

Warning: Talks of OCD, ADHD, and getting help for those illnesses. I don’t have OCD and I don’t claim to understand half of what they go through. Please read with caution.

Stanley was someone who had a very precise routine from the time he woke up to the time he went to sleep. He liked order and things been done in a very specific way or his brain would replay the scene over and over in his head until he’d fix it. It was something he physically couldn’t help.

A lot of people looked at him weirdly because of how Stan did every task that he was given. It really wasn’t his fault that he was wired this way… It was like his brain had to obsess over every little detail in his life. If he didn’t… his brain would never turn off and it would make it almost impossible to function.

Some days were harder than others.

Once in a while, Stan’s brain would battle him to the point where eating wasn’t an option because he had missed three questions on his math test. He studied and studied for days to make sure that he would ace that damn thing, but somehow, he had missed three questions. It made knots form in his stomach as his mind chanted how he wasn’t good enough and that his parents are going to be upset with him.

“Stan?” It was Ben’s voice that finally knocked him from his spiraling anxiety riddle brain. “You okay? You haven’t touched your lunch yet.” He points out as Richie glanced away from Bev to look at Stan.

“I… I’m not… I’m not really hungry right now.” Stan explains calmly. He knew that if he ate something… his stomach would regurgitate it back up and that would only make things worse.

“Stanley.” Richie’s voice was soft as he nudged him so Stan would look at him. “What’s going on?” He asked quietly.

“I…” His hands were shaking hard as he winced, trying to stop them. “I just… I’m fine.” His eyes snapped open as he looked to Richie who was watching him with a worried expression.

“Stan--” He’s cut off when Stan looks to him.

“It’s stupid okay! Just fucking leave it alone.” He huffed before looking away with angered tears forming in his eyes.

“Okay, well now, I’m really worried. Whatever it is… I’m sure it’s not stupid.” Richie points out.

“Richie’s right… For once.” Bev snorts as Richie flips her the bird.

“Stan, please tell us?” Eddie asked, glancing at him with a frown.

“That… That math test we took today… I fucking missed three questions.” He then proceeded to slam his head down onto the table with a groan.

“What?” Bev busted out laughing. “That’s it?” She questioned as Richie frowns at her.

“Hey, it’s okay. I know you studied really hard for that test. You did your best.” Richie explains instead.

“And look what it got me. Fucking three missed questions. Even my best isn’t good enough. I’m such a failure. My dad is right… I’m a failure.” Stan whispered before he started to tug at his curls.

“Hey, hey whoa!” Richie yanks his hands out of his hair as he blinked at him. “Alright, let’s just calm down before you make yourself go bald. I love you and your curls thanks.” He comments as Stanley’s breathing started to pick up.

“He looks like he’s going to throw up.” Eddie pointed out warily before moving away from beside Stan. “Is he?” He asked worriedly.

“No, Jesus, Eddie. He’s not gonna fucking puke!” Richie huffed. “And if he does I’m turning him towards you!” He smirks at Eddie’s glare. “Stan, okay. How about we fix this?” He asked.

“How? How are we going to fix this? Huh?” Stan was getting angry because he just wanted his brain to shut up for a few seconds.

“Let’s talk to Mrs. Vivan. Maybe she can let you retake the test?” Richie offers quietly. “I mean you can tell her you weren’t feeling well. She likes you and she’ll definitely let her favorite student retake the test.” He explains.

“You… You think she would?” Stan asked quietly as Richie nods.

“After school today we can go talk to her. I’m sure she’ll be happy to help you.” He assures with a gentle smile.

“Okay… Thanks. I just… My head hurts.” Stan sighs, shoulders slumping as Richie took his hand in his own and squeezed it gently.

“Yeah, that big brain of yours is always racing.” He snorts as Stan’s face flushes before he looked away.

True to his word, Richie took Stan to see Mrs. Vivan after school to talk about the test. Stan was trying not to freak out, but it was so hard because… what if she said no? What if she told him he was a failure, too? What if Richie makes fun of him like the others because he can’t control his emotions when it comes to good grades.

That’s the one thing that he’s always been proud of. His ability to learn information in such a short amount of time impressed a lot of teachers and even his parents. To have this taken away from him… was like taking away the very foundation that made him Stan.

“Oh, hello Stanley, Richie,” She nods to them before smiling. “What brings you here? Something we need to discuss?” She asked, taking off her glasses before standing up from her desk.

“Yeah, about the test we took today. We were wondering if Stan could retake it.” Richie explains as Mrs. Vivan frowns softly before glancing at him.

“Why? You did excellent on that test. My highest score exactly.” She comments before sitting on top of her desk as she gestures for the boys to sit down.

“But I missed three questions. I can’t… You don’t understand.” Stan whispered softly. “I studied for this test really hard.” He felt tears flooding his eyes as he tried not to break down.

Richie’s eyes widened before he glanced at Mrs. Vivan who held the same shocked expression.

“Stanley, those… those three questions you missed were bonus points. They were for the next lesson we are going to learn. It just helps me to know what level everyone is at. Honestly, you had the right system, just came to the wrong conclusion.” She explains softly.

“But--” Stan bit his lip harshly before finally thumping down in his chair.

“Stanley, can I ask if you are taking any sort of medication?” She questioned as Richie and Stan both frowned.

“No, do I need to?” He resorted when she tilts her head.

“You might want to visit a doctor. Are you aware that you show signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?” She asked, causing Stan to blink a few times.

“Wait, wait--You think Stan the man has OCD?” Richie raised his hand before asking.

“It’s possible. I’m not saying that’s what you have. I’m saying that it’s something to look into.” She explains.

“Is… Is something wrong with me?” Stan asked worriedly.

“No, not in the way you are thinking. Sometimes an illness can affect you mentally. This disorder in a sense is your brain battling you for many reasons. It could be something simple like checking to make sure you turned off a light in your room to something as complex as making sure every book is color-coded along with being in alphabetically order.” She gestures with her hands.

“You know… That kinda sounds like you, Stanny. I mean… I’m not saying it’s a bad thing… I just… You do have little quirks that you do a lot. I never really thought about it because that’s just who you are. Just like I have ADHD.” He points out.

“Okay, say I have this… illness. What is talking to my doctor going to do?” Stan turned his attention back to Mrs. Vivan.

“Well, they could recommend you to a therapist who could help you talk through these issues or even some medication that can help ease your mind. You can’t always control how your brain works despite many people thinking that you can. Your brain is wired differently than another student who doesn’t deal with the issues you face.” She comments before sitting up.

“Why… Why am I like this then?” Stan asked quietly, not meeting her gaze.

“Most people who have this illness either get it genetically or through their environment. In some cases, both of those things can play a role. Does that mean that you have it? No, it’s just something to think about. Some people just like order. Others need that order to function properly.” She explains as Richie glances at Stan who swallowed thickly.

“Thanks, Mrs. Vee.” Richie snags Stan’s arm before tugging him towards the door.

“Uh--If you want to retake the test still, Stanley. Just come on Monday and ask!” She calls as Richie waves to her in thanks.

“You okay?” Richie asked as they started for the exit of the school.

“No, what the fuck… Do you… Do you think I’m crazy?” Stan croaked out around a tightening throat.

“What? No! Jesus, dude! I would never think that. Look, like she said. It’s possible you don’t have it. That being said, it… it wouldn’t hurt. Maybe they can help you so you aren’t as stressed anymore. I’m worried one day that stress is going to kill you…” Richie laughs, but it sounds forced.

“Rich… You know I’m not… I’m sorry that I’ve been worrying you so much.” Stan whispered when he felt Richie’s fingers course through his hair.

“Of course I’m gonna worry about you, dipshit. I’m your boyfriend. That’s what boyfriend’s do. They worry and love each other. Look, if you don’t wanna talk about it anymore then we won’t. I’m here for you and you alone. But… Don’t think that if you do have OCD… that I’m not gonna love you or something. I loved you before… and I’ll love you after.” He explains when Stan looked to him with a wobbly smile.

“I love you too… You don’t think I’m broken? I mean… Look at my fucking family.” He laughs when Richie grins gently.

“Can’t be any worse than mine, baby bird. Besides, you think I’m broken because I have ADHD?” He questioned, causing Stan to look at him like he grew two heads.

“Are you an idiot? Of fucking course, not!” Stan huffed.

“Then why are you any different?” Richie asked as Stan swallowed softly before their foreheads touch.

“Thank you… I really don’t know what I’d do without you.” He whispered when Richie grins.

“I think you’d manage, but since I’m here. I make your entire life so much easier!” Richie placed a hand on his chest like he was some knight.

“More like you are the reason I’m stressed all the time.” Stan resorts back with a quirk of his brow.

“Blasphemy! By my own boyfriend of all things!” He cried in a high-pitch voice, making Stan laugh before he pushed Stan away. “Ah! Assault!” He dramatically flopped to the ground when Stan glanced around the roads to make sure no one was around.

“You’re a little gremlin,” Stan comments as Richie looks up to him with a grin. “But you’re my little gremlin.” He snorts and leans down before kissing Richie who immediately kissed him back.

“You’re goddamn right I am! The best fucking gremlin that this world will ever know!” Richie exclaims before standing up and dusting himself off.

“No, no touching me. We’re going to your place to get you some new clothes.” Stan comments, putting out a hand to stop Richie who pouts.

“Maybe we can look at some comics. I heard the others were going to the Quarry today, but I’d rather hang out with you.” He grins as Stan smiles.

“Okay, maybe… maybe you can convince me to talk to my parents about everything.” Stan whispered when Richie snorts.

“Ah, my darling dear Staniel… I can try my best, but your head is as thick as fucking iron. So it’ll take me a few tries.” He chuckles, causing Stan to push him back onto the ground. “Ah! Wait! Stan!” Richie cried as Stan started to walk away. “Wait! You ass! Stan!” He scrambled to stand up when Stan finally glanced back at Richie.

Stan offers him a warm smile that was saved for only Richie. Maybe tomorrow he would face this… maybe it wouldn’t be for another few months if not years… But one thing was certain. As long as he had Richie… Even if he did have OCD or even if he didn’t. He knew that he was going to be okay because Richie loved him for being him.

[jamesmydeer]

HI HUNS! how are you? so I wanted to request (this is long,so feel free to say you are not going to do it or that you are going to change it) an imagine where Y/N has like something unofficial with james but he also starts something with lilly, so she thinks he would be happier with her. So Y/N does something to make james pick lilly and that results in them fighting and in y/n deciding to transfer to USA(but james was gonna pick her) then she comes back like a year later and she changes a bit

Secret Admirer x James Potter

this request automatically made me think of the movie secret admirer, which is the eightiest 80s movie there is, and I highly recommend it. fun fact: I hate this, but I haven’t posted in 5ever, so here you go

masterlist

“I need a hug”, a voice called from the end of your bed. Glancing up from your book, you saw James with a very tired expression on his face. You knew he had just returned from practice, and judging by the looks of it, it didn’t go too well.

“C’mere”, you said, opening your arms for him. He trudged over to your side of the bed and plopped down on top of you. He buried his face in your neck, humming as your hand massaged his scalp.

James Fleamont Potter had been your best friend for as long as you could remember. You couldn’t pinpoint the exact date when your crush on him took form, all you knew was that you were head over heels for him.

If things were different, maybe you would be together. If James didn’t like Lily, you probably would have told him about your undying love for the way he messes with his hair and looks down at his feet when he’s nervous. But, things weren’t different, and James was head over heels for Lily. To someone who didn’t know of your relationship, they would think you and James were a couple, but instead of “my girlfriend y/n”, you were “my friend y/n”.

Your were pulled away from your thoughts when lily walked into your shared dorm. James head shot up and he rolled off of you, his soft smile fading into a boyish smirk.

“Just the girl I was looking for”, he exclaimed happily. You could feel your stomach clench at the words. It was hard for you; him seeing you as a wing woman. The “Ask her this”, and “Tell her that”s got old after a while.

James got up and walked over to Lily, following her out of the dorm like a lost puppy. This had happened many times before, so you didn’t know why you were so upset. Something inside you snapped, and you realized you needed to do something to get your feelings out. You had seen something in a muggle film once where a girl would write anonymous letters to her crush to express her feelings. So, you did just the same. You sat down at your desk, and in a flourish of strokes, gushed love into words onto paper.

—————————————————————

The marauders were prepared for a weekend of absolutely nothing. They raided the kitchens and would successfully make it through the next couple of days without having to leave their dorm. To hide all the stolen food, James was given the task of bringing his bag he used for school. As they pulled all the food out of their bag, a letter fell out.

“What’s this?” asks Sirius, giving James a suggestive smirk.

“I don’t know, I haven’t opened it yet,” he answered, reaching for the letter. Sirius quickly pulled it away.

“Let’s see what’s inside, yeah boys?” Sirius asked, earning nods from the other two boys. Sirius ripped it open and scanned its contents, eyes growing large and jaw dropping. After finishing, he smirked and cleared his throat, before reading it again, aloud this time.

“Dear James, I don’t know how to tell you what I want to tell you… so I’m writing it down. I’ll never find the nerve to to give you this letter anyway. When I look at you, I can’t take my eyes off of you. I long to have your arms around me and your body against mine.”

Sirius stopped so Remus and Peter could throw in their “oh my God”s.

“I know you don’t feel like I do, which is why I don’t have the courage to sign this. But I just love you more than words can say. xx” Sirius paused for the last time to throw in a quick kissing noise before the last x.

“James, who wrote this?” Peter asked, holding back his laugh.

“I haven’t even seen the letter yet, you gits,” James declared, snactching the letter from Sirius and looking over it a couple of times.

“I know exactly who he wants it to be.”

“There’s no way Lily wrote this. She’s made it pretty obvious that we’re just friends, if that,” James sighed. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but Remus telling him that it looked like her handwriting and Sirius saying she was staring at him during breakfast sure did.

—————————————————————

“I’m so stupid. What did I think was going to happen? I can’t believe I said those thing to Lily Evans,” James said, lying next to you in the grass by the black lake.

“I mean, why didn’t I just walk straight up to her and say ‘Hey, Lily, I’m an asshole’?”

“Well I think she knows,” you joked, turning to smile up at him. Your smile faded when he shot you an unamused look.

“Fucking Sirius. Merlin, how could I believe that oaf. Telling me that Lily Evans wrote me a letter. I bet it was Remus. I’m gonna kick his ass.” James wasn’t talking to you so much as he was to himself.

“And what did this letter say?” you asked, knowing all of the letter’s contents by heart.

“Everything I said to Lily”

“It sounded pretty good to me,” you, unbeknownst to him, bragged.

“It wasn’t just good, it’s was great. It was the best thing I’ve ever read. It was like Tender is The Night or The Way We Are. Remus is dead meat.” Your heart swelled at the words. You wondered if he would still think the same of the letter if he knew who it was from. As you thought this, you realized how uncomfortable your head felt against the hard ground.

“You know, this isn’t really that comfortable,” you stated, fidgeting around.

“Oh, here,” James muttered, moving his arm under your head. You scooted closer to him, cheeks heating up.

“Y’know, maybe the letters real. Maybe somebody really is in love with you.”

“I just wish I knew why I loved her so much. She’s just so beautiful.” Every word he said drove the knife deeper and deeper into you.

“Why don’t you just tell her what happened? That you were drunk and didn’t mean anything.”

“Yeah, yeah. After tonight?” James didn’t sound too fond of that idea.

“You know, you could always write her a letter,” you regretted the words as soon as they left your mouth.

“You know I hate writing. Besides, she’d just tear it up.”

“Not if she didn’t know who it was from.”

“What do you mean?” James asked, confused.

“Don’t sign it. Just have someone else give it to her. That way, if she doesn’t like it, she won’t know who wrote it.”

You sat in silence for a while. Maybe James wouldn’t write lily a letter and the situation would stop where it started. For some reason, your head was screaming at you that it was time to tell him. Not that you liked him, but your plans for next year.

“James, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while, but I’ll be spending next year in America. I’m leaving in about two weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, it’s just-“

James’ face suddenly lit up.

“You could give it to her! I’m sorry for interrupting, what were you saying?”

There it was.

“Nothing. Yeah, I’ll give it to her.”

“You’re a really good friend,” James said, leaning in to kiss your cheek. His lips lingered there for a second. He gave you a soft smile and ran off towards the castle to write his letter. “Ouch” you whispered, watching his figure slowly shrink. Friend. That’s all you were. And for the next year you spent on a different continent, that’s all you would be.

—————————————————————

You woke up the next day to a very giddy boy shaking you.

“I did it. I wrote the letter,” he stated, thrusting it into your face.

You smiled weakly at him.

“I’ll give it to her at the end of the day so you have time to regret your decision.”

He stuck his tongue out at you and turned towards the door.

“Lily Potter. Sounds quite nice, huh?”

“Get out of my room, James.”

With that, he chuckled and shut the door back. Your mind stayed on the letter all day. You wanted so badly to read what it said. Partly so you could know what he would’ve wrote to you, partly so you could see how cheesy it was. When you got in from dinner and noticed that no one was back yet, you opened it. It was exactly how you expected it to be. It sounded like he wrote down the first sentence on every romantic greeting card. You couldn’t let him give that to Lily. You loved James, and you wanted him to be happy. He would be happy if Lily genuinely liked the letter. So, you rewrote it.

—————————————————————

“Y/n! There she is. Looking ravishing as ever,” Sirius exclaimed. He ran up to you holding you at arms distance. He eyed you up for a second, then pulled you into a tight hug. When he pulled away you looked over his shoulder. Sirius, Peter, Remus… no James.

Sirius could tell exactly what you were thinking. “You know, I don’t get how you could do that to yourself. Sacrifice your happiness for his, I mean. He’s with Lily right now.”

Remus had walked up behind you while Sirius was talking.

“We told him it was important, but he said you would tell him later,” Remus explained, placing a hand on your shoulder. You couldn’t tell him later.

“It’s fine,” you said, shrugging his hand off of you and smiling at him. “Let’s go sit with Peter before he dies if boredom.”

Peter was the first to notice the brochure in your hand. He must’ve known that it had something to do with the “important thing” you had to tell them. When you sat down, he nodded towards it suggestively. You took a deep breath and opened your mouth to start talking, only to shut it and momentarily close your eyes.

“I’ll be right back,” you said, jumping up and running to the bathroom. You locked yourself in a stall and contemplated how you were going to do this. You had no idea how your were going to tell them. You had tried telling James as soon as you found out, but he didn’t seem to be listening.

You came back and sat down, the boys giving you worried looks.

“I’m not going to be able to say this twice, so please listen until the end, yeah?”

They all nodded, the worried looks on their faces never fading.

“My mom sent me this brochure about 2 months ago.” You set the brouchure on the table. “It’s for a year of study in America. It would really put me in a good situation resume wise. I could write about my trip and have it published; Dumbledore already said there’s no question about it. I’ve tried telling you guys so many times, but I couldn’t. Now that I leave in 2 days, I kinda have no choice.”

They stared at you for what felt like forever. Sirius was the first to stand up. You thought he was going to walk out and never speak to you again. The rest of the boys followed suit. Your heart was beating out of your chest as you stood up to run after them, only they didn’t leave. They engulfed you in the biggest hug. They told you they would miss you more than anything, but they would write every day. They would visit you on holidays. They would be here waiting for you when you got back. They hugged you in the middle of the three broomsticks, crying with you and telling you that it would be alright.

“ Promise me you won’t tell James when I’m leaving. I want to do that myself,” you begged, to which they agreed. You weren’t going to tell James. It would be too hard. But they didn’t need to know that.

—————————————————————

While you were sitting at home, packing your bags, James and Lily were not working out. James had quickly decided that Lily wasn’t who he thought she was, and Lily decided that James was still, well, James.

“You know, for some odd reason, I thought that just because you could formulate words and make them sound poetic, you were a different person than I thought. I was wrong,” Lily said, thrusting the letter into his chest. He took and stared at it. He was going to say something back, but he noticed something off about the letter.

“I didn’t write this.” He said, causing Lily to throw him an incredulous look.

“You’re really something else, you know that Potter?”

“This isn’t the letter I wrote you Lily. I didn’t write this. Where’s the letter I wr-“ before he could finish talking, Lily scoffed and walked away. James glanced at the letter again, and noticed something else. He raced up the stairs to his dormitory, and fumbled through the drawers. He pulled out the letter he had received. The only other person who had seen the letter he had written was you. The handwriting on both the letters he held was the same. It was you. You wrote the letters. James didn’t like Lily. James loved you. It had always been you, why had he never noticed that it had always been you? The rest of the marauders walked in to find a troubled looking Prongs.

“Why didn’t any of you guys tell me I was in love with y/n? Where is she? I have to tell her right now.”

“James, sit down.” Sirius said, ready to tell him where you were, and where you would be until this time next year.

“We can talk later, I have to find y/n!”

“James. Sit. Down.”

James sat on his bed and tapped his foot impatiently. Sirius opened his mouth and James couldn’t believe the words that came out. He knew about this. The night by the lake. You were spending a year abroad. You were leaving in 2 weeks. It’s had been 2 weeks.

“Shit! Where is she now?” James asked frantically jumping up and running to put a shirt on.

“Probably already at the boarding dock. Mate, if you wanna make it, you better hustle,” Remus informed him. James threw a “thanks” over his shoulder and ran out the door. Once he made it to hogsmeade he apparated to where Remus said you would be. He spotted your parents’ car, but no one inside. He heard what sounded like a bunch of “goodbyes” being yelled, and took off running.

He could see your ship. He could see you. You were already on your way to America. He was jumping boxes and ducking under ropes to get to a place where you could see him. He climbed on top of two large crates and yelled your name.

“Y/N! Wait! Hey! I know you wrote the letters!” He yelled, trying to get your attention.

“James, what?” You yelled back, very confused.

“The letters! I know you wrote ‘em! Don’t leave me I love you!”

“What?” you asked, shocked.

“I love you! Do you love me?”

“What difference does it make?” you asked, wondering what this was going to lead to.

“But do you love me?”

“Yes! Does that make you feel any better?”

“Yeah!” James screamed back at the top of his lungs, looking down at the water before him, and jumping into it. Once he reached the surface he started swimming towards your ship, the biggest smile on his face. He kept muttering “come on y/n” as if saying that would make you jump. You contemplated what to do. The only reason you were so sure that you wanted to go to America was to get away from James. You wanted to stay. You wanted to be with him. You didn’t want to go to America at all. You looked around at everyone watching you and turned back to the water. James was standing in the shallow water impatiently with a worried look on his face. You took a deep breath and jumped into the water. You swam towards James, who, regardless of him having swam further towards you, could still stand.

“I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I love you and I-“ You cut him off by smashing your lips against his. After the shock of you being in front of him and kissing him went away, he kissed you back. His hands went to cradle your face and yours went to run through his hair.

You didn’t know how you were going to tell your parents about this, or how you were going to get your luggage back. All you knew was that you were with James, and being with James was all that you needed. You let him hold you in the water, forheads pressing together, until the ship was far out of sight.

“I love you, but I’m getting really cold and I can’t touch right here.” you said, causing James to chuckle and apparate you back to hogsmeade. It may have taken him six years to figure it out, but he did love you too. A lot.

[swiftie5891]

Taylor Swift is no Snake – only Karyn is

My response to “30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30”

At the beginning Taylor refers to social media and says that many people hide behind it to insult and hurt others emotionally. Although Taylor wants to use it as a connection to her fans, she has learned that she does “not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥”. Here, Taylor addresses the exact danger and disadvantage of social media. Today’s generation is using it to get validation, while creating an image of a perfect life. They post pictures or videos of them partying, drinking, doing sports, eating healthy food. Especially make-up tutorials are very popular among teenagers. Thus, the dream job of them is not being a firefighter, a police officer or an astronaut any more, but being an “influencer”. When you don’t adjust to a beauty image, you are called names and are prone to insults. Also Taylor has learned that. In her article she writes, “you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist.” People who write comments like that either don’t realize that they seriously hurt someone by writing this or they want to hurt them intentionally and hide behind the internet’s anonymity.

The second lesson Taylor has learned is that a kind behavior is not always beneficial. When you are always kind, people might get used to this and take advantage of it by using you for their own goods, or they do not take you seriously when you clearly state your opinion. I’ve also learned that saying “No” does not mean that you are selfish, but that it is good for yourself to stand up for your opinion. Whether people accept your opinion shows your true relationship. Do it Taylor-style: “Be like a snake – only bite if someone steps on you”. Be kind to people who are kind to you, but if you feel used or oppressed, stand up for yourself, you deserve it.

Taylor’s third lesson is important for everyone who feels bad for failing. Just because you have failed does not mean that you are a “loser”. It also does not mean that you haven’t given your best. Like Taylor says, “it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks”. Having learned from your mistakes or failures can help build your character, and it makes you stronger. In my case, I´ve failed my driver’s license test the first time. Although I was really really sad at first, I suddenly realized that it was for my own good because I had to take five or so more lessons, which helped me gain more self-assurance. So, I’ve passed the second one. It has also helped me learn to accept my failures, to live in it and to come out stronger.

Everyone who hates his or her body should take a look at lesson four. DO NOT HATE YOUR BODY BECAUSE OF A CERTAIN IDEAL PORTRAYED IN ANY KIND OF MEDIA! Especially in times of social media, showing your skinny and/or trained body has become an influence on people, especially on young people. Being confronted with pictures of those “perfect” bodies every day can make you feel bad when you don’t adjust to that beauty ideal. Like Taylor says, “a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting”. We search for various diets Hollywood stars have used to get “in shape”. But when you look at the consequences of those hard-core diets that make you lose a lot of weight in a short time, you should recognize that you’re harming your body. In my opinion, you should do sports – but not to adjust to a certain ideal. You should do it to make and keep your body healthy. You should also not lose weight to become as skinny as possible. You should do it to relieve pressure off your joints and to stay mobile. You should always remember that you have ONE body and that you shouldn’t stress it with an excessive diet. I have lost 20 kg myself during my senior year at school to be able to wear a nice dress. But most of all I recognized that my knees started to hurt while walking and I was out of breath after taking the stairs. Those two factors encouraged me to do sports, and it has helped me so much. Additionally, it supported my learning process during the finals. I am glad that Taylor has shared her opinion on that to show especially young people that pushing “boundaries of dieting […] can be really dangerous” and that “there is no quick fix”.

As lesson number five Taylor names banishing drama from your life. It is nice to hear from her that she is also suggesting blocking poisonous people. When your life is so consumed by people who cause drama in your life, you do not get to focus on yourself. Especially when you’re feeling down yourself and other people decide to knock you down additionally, you have every right to block them. Like Taylor says, “be discerning” of those around you. Sometimes you’ve tried to solve the problems with those people but then it happens again and again. Here, you have to decide if the person is worth it or if a further contact is just hurting you. Sometimes you gotta let go of people, even if it feels weird or hurts at first. If the drama queens are taking swings or the jokers are dressing up as kings, just let go and say “here’s a toast to my real friends”!

I love that Taylor is addressing it in lesson six: women are allowed to age. She says that the pressure on women regarding “everlasting youth” is not fair because it “isn’t even remotely required of men”. When men get older, they are told that they look wiser and that aging makes them sexier. When women show visible signs of their age, they are told that they look old and should do something about it. When you look at the amount of anti-aging cremes for women available in beauty stores, you can see the apparent importance of that matter for women. Also when having a look at the many Hollywood stars and their faces, it seems that aging women in the entertainment industry do not exist. Sometimes those frozen Botox faces are really scary, especially when you see pictures of those women before they have (in my opinion) destroyed their faces. I do not say that women should not take care of themselves, but I think that at some point in our lives, we should accept that we get older and that our bodies will change. It is natural, and all of our scars and wrinkles stand for the things we have experienced in our lives. And this does not refer to plastic surgery after an accident or anything else which has disfeatured someone’s body and face. On the contrary, I think this should be supported by health care.

Lesson seven has seriously touched me. It is so sad that Taylor and other artists have to be scared of any kind of violence. Those two examples Taylor addresses have touched me personally because I love going to concerts. Especially the attack during Ariana’s concert shook me because so many young people were killed and got hurt at a place where they wanted to have a great time seeing their idol. I don’t get why people hurt other people like this. At the same time I start to understand why the safety arrangements at concerts have changed a lot. It is terrifying to read that Taylor only felt safe(er) on stage wearing QuikClot army grade bandage dressing and that she does not feel safe privately at all. I have the biggest respect for everyone involved in the planning of the tour and for the security people who had to do their best at keeping everyone safe. For this reason I try my best to get through the security check as fast as possible by looking what is allowed beforehand and by already opening my bag when the person in front of me is checked. I am also being nice by saying “hello”, “thank you” and “good-bye”. Taylor’s last sentence shows how we can deal with those threats best: “We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.”

Lesson number eight is very important for our self-esteem. It is a lesson I have also learned myself: “For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.” It is so important to have your own values and to stand up for them. When people say, “don’t listen to what others say”, I always answer, “that’s right, but I care what I think”. We do not have to follow everything other people say when we do not feel comfortable with it. Unfortunately, when you say this you are mostly called stubborn or not able to compromise. But I think in the end it is most important what we think of ourselves and that we can be proud of our decisions, although it might sometimes annoy others.

Lesson number nine: self-made cocktails. I should really try that because there’s nothing cooler than hosting your own birthday party for example and being able to offer some really nice cocktails.

Lesson number ten is really relatable. When you like to cook, you’ll always find some recipes which you love to cook and which taste delicious. I started to cook myself to be in better control of what I am eating and to reduce the amount of fat I am eating because too much fat causes a really bad feeling in my stomach since I’ve had to get my gallbladder removed in 2015 (1 week after Taylor’s 1989 show in Cologne). I am also using the garlic crusher because it helps to have little pieces of garlic in your meal without it being too strong. Moreover, I’ve just heard that garlic is a good way to make some meals more digestible. At this point, I’d recommend Taylor to release an own cook book with her favorite meals because those dishes sound amazing.

Number eleven is great. Command tape is so so good. I’ve also used it to put a hook for my jewelry on my wardrobe because I did not want to have a hole in it. It has not disappointed me because it has not fallen down yet (for about 10 years).

Number twelve is really important. Although it is sometimes hard to admit that you were wrong, apologizing is really important for a friendship / relationship. This can help the friendship / relationship to build trust, and it helps the ones affected get past this.

Unfortunately, lesson thirteen is a very current issue. This exactly is the problem: many victims of sexual assault do not come forward because they think that no-one will believe them. Moreover, like Taylor writes, going through the trial must be horrible because you have to talk about it and to live through it again. I am lucky that I have never been in this position. Maybe this is why I don’t understand why you could feel ashamed for it because like Taylor says, “It’s something no one would choose for themselves.” The ones that have done this should be ashamed for doing this to the victims, not the victims themselves. It is so important for the victims to speak up to hold the offender responsible for the things they have done, to start the process of putting it behind them (at least to regain some normality) and to prevent others from being assaulted by the same person. I hope in the future more victims will be believed to reduce those horrible deeds.

Lesson fourteen is something most people have to deal with. When a person close to you loses someone or has to go through any other kind of tragedy, you mostly do not know what to say. Mostly the only thing helpful for them is to let them know that you are here and to hug them. I think you know it is a real friendship when you are in a bad place and see if the other person is here for you or not. I have experienced this various times. Every time I thought I have finally found a best friend whom I can depend on in all situations, I have gotten disappointed. I have always been there for her when she had a bad fight with her boyfriend, and I have listened to her relationship problems and the problems she had at work. However, when I was in a really bad place because my grandparents have died within a short time and was totally looking forward to a movie night to get some distraction, she wrote me that exact day that she would rather go out with another friend to a bar. This was the time I stopped believing in that friendship. It is hard when you try your best to help your friends but mostly do not get it back. Now I’ve gotten to know some Swiftie friends whom I have never met personally, but feel really connected to and get really good advice or encouragement, which I love to return. I am so glad Taylor wrote about this in her article because I feel like the feeling of mutual support has declined nowadays.

I have learned lesson fifteen as well. Vitamins can make the way you feel so much better. Some years ago, I was feeling really sad all the time and I didn’t know why. My doctor one day told me to get my blood tested and it showed that I lacked Vitamin D and B12. So, I started to take supplements and a few weeks later I felt so much better. Taylor says something helpful here: Magnesium. For someone who loves going to the gym 5 to 6 days a week like me, magnesium is really helpful for the muscles, especially to avoid cramps due to overload. It seriously helps.

Lesson sixteen is important for everyone who trust people they haven’t know too long too soon. Taylor explains that “the layers of a person you discover in time” are “more valuable” than the ones you see when you first meet them. I have experienced that too. For example some years ago I got to know someone of whom I thought could be my best friend. We had so much in common and we had fun at the beginning. However, over the time I learned that she was only talking about herself, and when I needed her, she wasn’t there. Those are the moments when you realize that that friendship won’t work out. I have also experienced that a short time later. I was part of a dance team for about 20 years. Then one day we had a discussion about our costumes. Something that I didn’t feel comfortable was suggested, although it was well known that this was the only thing I would never wear. It was a long discussion and I said that I’d rather quit before wearing that because it would make me feel horrible and uncomfortable. In that situation no-ne really stood up for me and understood me. That was the moment when I saw that we were not a real team, because in a team no-one would be left behind and no-one should be forced to wear something that they don’t feel good with. That was the moment I knew that I would never feel happy there again and some month later actually quit. And I have to say it was for the best. I had so much fun the years before but with the time that (long) first impression has changed for the worse. That’s why I can really understand Taylor when she says that we shouldn’t trust everyone’s first impression they make on us.

I think lesson seventeen is learned by everyone someday. In our teens we do stuff to our body of what we later think, “why did I do that exactly?”. I think it is part of the process of discovering and growing up. I once cut my hair and especially my bangs. I looked like … I don’t want to say what. Over the time I have learned how to treat my body well. I also use moisturizer and body lotion, although I have to treat my face differently due to acne-prone skin. I use special cream for it some days, I use peeling about three days a week, and once a week I treat myself with a face mask with activated carbon and hyaluronan to reduce my pimple scars. Remember, you have only one body. So, treat it with kindness.

In lesson eighteen Taylor addresses the importance of dealing with your childhood “scars”. She explains that our childhood scars can haunt us into our adult lives. I think it is important that someone like Taylor is opening up about not being popular as kid because we can relate to her and learn that we can rectify it. Besides being not popular as a kid, like Taylor, I have also been made fun of because of my weight. Although I have lost 20 kg already, it is still a factor that makes me feel insecure sometimes. I have learned to live with it and I want to lose some more weight to improve my health and lower the risk of getting diabetes or something else. Moreover, I think many shops have awesome clothing for girls with some more weight and we are able to dress nicely and according to our body. Everyone can dress like they want to, especially nowadays, but it is most important for me to feel comfortable, even with some more weight than the average person. I am glad that today I can say that I have found some amazing friends who don’t care about my weight and are also very protective when I’m made fun … although today I seriously ignore that because I know what I have achieved and what I am able to do. I am probably more flexible and can do more sit-ups than an average-weight person. And I am proud that I can do the splits like Taylor in the Delicate music video … although I haven’t tried it on a car yet.

Lesson nineteen is really relating. It is so important to tell your friends how you feel. And you have to be honest. A real friend should be interested in how you feel. If you can’t share this with your friends, then with whom can you (except your family of course)? It is always good to know that you have friends who care about your feelings and try to understand. Also when you have problems with someone, it is best to address them instead of only thinking about it. Communication is everything, both in a relationship and in a friendship.

Lesson twenty is something we all learn in our twenties: “the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships”. When you’re new somewhere, like a job for example, you try to find mutuals of whom you soon think as your friends. I am a person who is searching for mutuals very quickly because I hate being alone. Although you might get along with many people quickly, it doesn’t mean that you’ll be BFFs. I think a friendship can develop when you spend some time outside of your “situation” and get to know each other more closely. In that case you can learn that you’re perfect in your “situationship” but not in a friendship. I am glad that I am friends with people who I know for more than twenty years (I’m 27, by the way) and who I see at least twice a year because we don’t live that close to each other anymore. And I am glad that I have also friends who I have met later but write with consistently.

Lesson twenty-one: fashion = experimentation. I can only say: so true. When I look back at pictures from my primary-school years, I think, what did I wear? Then I’m like, I was a kid … and it was the 90s. That’s ok. Later I had a time when I loved wearing black leather bracelets with rivets, my hair couldn’t be dark enough and I had a skull and crossbones phase thanks to Pirates of the Caribbean. I think it takes some time, a long time, to find a style that we feel comfortable in and that fits us. I still like to try new things. For example, I’ve changed my hair from a dark blonde to red. And I love it. I actually feel more confident with it. By the way, Bleachella is nothing to be ashamed of, Taylor. Although I prefer your fair hair like it is now, I also loved the brightness.

In lesson number twenty-two Taylor addresses fighting fairly. In a relationship or friendship a fight should not be about who is winning. Like she says, the best thing in a fight is communication and trying to talk about it calmly. Communication should also be used to prevent a big fight. When you have a problem with something or someone, talk about it. It is so true what Taylor says at the end: “They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.”

Number twenty-three: WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK, TAYLOR!

Number twenty-four: I am glad that I haven’t had to deal with illnesses like this yet. When I read this it always makes me thankful that my parents are healthy. I can only imagine how helpless you must feel. I totally get that you learn to prioritize other things and that you feel like other worries feel so much less important.

In lesson twenty-five Taylor clarifies that artists don't have to feel miserable in order to produce great art. I think that the artists’ experiences influence their art regarding the atmosphere of the song, painting or so on. When I was feeling bad and had to write an essay for college, I was not able to produce something good. I know it is not comparable to writing a song, but I think our feelings influence our productivity. However, creative writing or painting can be used as a way to come to terms with negative experiences. But the thing that is produced during that process does not have to be the artist's best work. I am so happy that you, Taylor, have left the negative experiences behind you and are doing better than you ever were.

In number twenty-six Taylor says that she likes to make countdowns for certain events. I love countdown apps too. I have a countdown for my birthday, Christmas and New Year’s Eve and for concerts. I also have a count … back for the Reputation album. Look What You Made Me Do, Taylor! It is good to know that things you’re excited about are in your future when you’re feeling down or stuck. I hope I can soon add the release of TS7 and hopefully a concert to my countdown app site on my phone.

In lesson twenty-seven Taylor explains how to deal with bullies and how to disarm them. Especially in a time of social media, where bullying anonymously is so easy, especially celebrities have to deal with any kind of “opinion” about themselves. Taylor’s handling of the hate campaign against her is awesome because she has used the word she’s been called and turned it into a symbol for her sixth studio album “Reputation”. She has exchanged the negative association with a snake (being devious) with a positive one. Now Swifties associate the symbol with the phrase, “Be like a snake - only bite if someone steps on you.” The best way to deal with bullies is either to ignore them and don’t give them what they want: attention. Or you do it like Taylor. You use the word you’ve been called for yourself and turn it into … Karyn. She has become the icon of the tour, and her shiny eyes and the way she rose behind Taylor during Look What You Made Me Do will never be forgotten. I’ve been bullied because of my weight in school myself. It hurts a lot because you don’t know how to deal with that at a young age. But as I grew older I learned that although they were bullying me I got better grades than them and graduated from high school and even got a university diploma a few weeks ago, while they left school after the 9th grade. There are so many things which are more important than what people have to say about you. Today I know that, like Taylor says, you learn how to deal with people like that and grow stronger. It’s the best revenge you could get because all they’ll ever gonna be is mean.

In number twenty-eight Taylor talks about her connection to politics. Although many people say that celebrities should just do their job and act or sing, I think it is important for people like Taylor to speak up politically and to encourage young people to educate themselves about and engage with politics as well. I still can’t understand how people with reactionary concepts can be voted to be in such high positions. I hope that here will be more celebrities who use their influence on their fans to put the right people in high positions, or at least to animate more people to use their voice and vote. Sometimes the reason why the “wrong” people win is because of those who do not vote because they think that nothing will change anyways and that one vote does not matter. But when many people think like this, there are more and more lost votes which might cause a different outcome.

Lesson twenty-nine: the hair changes its texture. I always wondered why the texture of Taylor’s hair is so much different now. The curls were so sweet and totally fitted country-Taylor. I think her hair has changed with the eras and adjusted to the “New Taylor”. Maybe the new era will also welcome her curly hair back. But we love you no matter what your hair looks like, Taylor.

Finally, lesson thirty. When Taylor has done something wrong, she has punished herself. On the one side it is good if a child recognizes when he or she has done something wrong, but on the other side it can cause a hard life when you will always question your decisions to an extent that is not good. Of course it is good to consider the outcome, but when you have actually failed and made the wrong decision punishing yourself for the decision you have made is not healthy. Like I’ve learned watching The Bold Type, living in your failure is good and important to learn from it and to build your character. You can’t change the past anyways. It is good to deal with your decision and your failure but it is also important to Shake It Off afterwards.

   @taylorswift @taylornation @elle

[stillalicebyheart]

Enchanted

Pairing: Katherine Plumber/Sarah Jacobs Word Count: 1,984 Summary: Katherine is tired of all these newsboys trying to impress her. That is, until she meets a girl in the street with a secret comparable to her own. (Aka the au where Sarah is a bowery beauty.)

Read on AO3

You’d think that after eighteen years in the city and it’s early morning hustle and bustle, Katherine would know to pay attention to her surroundings. But she and Darcy were already late for the paper children (her coined nickname for the three of them) weekly morning breakfast at Bill’s house, all because she thought she had a scoop on something that turned out to be completely and utterly wrong. Already it’d been a long day, and it was barely 7 in the morning; they’d just stopped by her father’s office at the World long enough to let him know she had a new job assignment the next night before they were on their way again, past the circulation gates crowded with newsies ready to start their days.

There was something about the Newsboys that always made Katherine... curious. They were all very dedicated to the job, and she admired it -- they would sell, rain or shine, and keep selling until they'd sold all of their papers. What she didn't admire, though, were the cat calls and idiotic pick ups they'd try and get her with. That was part of the reason she brought Darcy along, in hopes they'd leave her alone and he'd keep her from overstepping, but...

"I've got a headline for you: cheeky boy gets nothing for his troubles."

The whole bunch of them started up again as Darcy stepped to her, smug grin in place as they walked off. "You know, I don't get why you bring me along. They're going to say something to you either way, and you always have a witty line to give back to them."

"It's the morality of it all," she simply replied with an unbelieving tone, waving a hand in front of her. "A gentleman would never call out to a lady with a suitor, and you'd think their parents would teach them that."

"Katherine, most of them don't have parents."

"Well, whoever's in charge of them should teach them manners then."

They just continued walking, arm in arm as they headed for the Hearst's place, not a care in the world until they brushed past a group of three -- a girl and who looked like her two younger brothers -- rushing towards the circulation gates. It brought Katherine to a stop, Darcy tugging on her arm for a moment before he looked at her, confused. Her eyes moved from the figures walking away to the black, hardcover book on the ground in front of her. "Hold on, Darcy." She spoke, kneeling down carefully as to not have her skirt expose anything, and grabbed the book.

"Miss!"

Thankfully, the girl -- and her brothers -- turned at the sound of Katherine's voice, and she walked forward as quick as she could in her small heels. "I think you dropped this!"

The other girl's eyes went wide as she opened her bag, then started rushing towards. "Oh, thank you so much, it must've fallen out of my bag." She smiled while Katherine held the book out. Their fingers brushed for just a brief second, and she could barely fight the grin that formed on her face.

"Of course! It's a good book, I read it a few weeks or so ago." She replied, hands interlocking in front of her. "It'd be a shame to miss out on it."

"I'm glad to hear it comes recommended." The stranger nodded with a smile, pushing the book into her bag.

Katherine laughed lightly. "Highly."

Before either of them could speak again, three distinct voices, two calling 'Sarah' and the third for Katherine, carried through the air, causing them both to look over each other's shoulders.

A small laugh fell from her -- Sarah's lips, explaining that she was taking her brothers to their first day as news boys.

And Katherine was captivated.

"Well, you'd all better get a move on then. I know those boys tend to buy out the circulation desk pretty early on."

"Yes, you're right. Thank you again." Sarah smiled, turning to walk away. "Have a good day, Katherine!"

"You as well, Sarah."

And, being her closest friend she had, Darcy of course had to make fun of the stupid grin on her face for the rest of the morning. And recount the whole encounter to Bill, who simply laughed and made a point of teasing Katherine just as much.

A full thirteen hours later, Sarah was still in Katherine's mind. Something about the girl just stuck with her, the fact that she made a point of making sure her brothers made it to work or that she had been so thankful about getting her book back or... Maybe it had to do with the fact that even in a plain brown dress and grey shawl and her hair pulled back in a simple way, she was beautiful. And sure, that wasn't what a girl should be thinking, but she'd done research; history showed that there were plenty of girls who liked other girls -- especially writers. Maybe it was a trick of the trade. Either way, she had the girl on her mind almost non-stop for the last day, even as she walked into the Bowery -- the place that cleared her mind most.

It wasn't a place Katherine frequented, mainly because her father saw it as 'improper' for a girl her age to go, but the whole atmosphere was... incredible to her. The owner was always so nice, the girls were always dedicated to their performance (and not to mention, gorgeous) and sweet whenever she came in to review their new show, always blowing her away with their talent.

"Oh, Katherine, darling! You're finally here, toss me my brush, would you?"

And she always felt so welcomed around here. "Sorry I'm late, Miss Medda, my father --"

"Now now, no 'father' talk in here! You're working, aren't you? Pulitzer doesn't matter around here, just you and your talented work." Medda spoke, looking at her from the mirror and smiling. Katherine handed her the brush, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

"As you wish... Any news I should know before I go for interviews?" She asked as she leaned on the back of Medda's chair. She wasn't here often, but when she was, it made everything better in Katherine's eyes. Medda was very motherly, treating Katherine the same way she did her girls, as if they were all her kids.

"We've got a new girl, Marie. Big sweetheart, working to help support her family since they're a bit down on their luck. Got two brothers that work for your pops, I think." Medda gave her a look -- one that read 'you have to talk to her'. "Can't promise she'll give you anything worth publishing, but she's a great dancer. You should introduce yourself."

Of course, Katherine knew 'Marie' wasn't her real name. All the girls had code names to keep the creeps from coming around and trying to backstage; using their real names was a sign of trust, someone that they wanted there. Her eyes rolled, a light blush coming to her cheeks as she used her fingers to brush her bangs straight in the mirror. "I'll have to seek her out then. See you after the show?"

"Of course, dear. Now, get a move on, you only get so much time before you need to be in your box."

Katherine simply laughed, patting Medda's shoulder as she turned to the door. "I'm going, I'm going. Have a good show, ma'am."

It didn't matter how many time Katherine had wandered through the theater, for an article or for an escape, it always awed her. It didn't look too big from the outside, but inside it felt almost like a whole other world: stairs and stairs leading to different rooms all winding upward. She'd only been up to the top a few times, but it was magical to see from the height above the city.

After a few flights of stairs she arrived at the familiar door, knocking twice as she readjusted her small bag. She'd been fully prepared to greet a familiar face, or at least the new dancer, with a smile and polite greeting. But when the door opened to reveal the girl she'd met and effectively been thinking about for the last thirteen hours... Katherine Pulitzer was lost for words. And apparently Sarah was too, since she just stood there looking at Katherine for a few seconds before she spoke.

"... Sarah?"

All at once, the room fell silent as Katherine and Sarah stared at each other, and all of the girls looked at Katherine.

"No, silly, that's Marie." One of the girls smiled, looping an arm around 'Marie's waist as she not-so-subtlety glared daggers into Katherine. She took the message and smiled softly, holding a hand out to her.

"Katherine Plumber. Writer for the New York Sun." She introduced herself easily, professionally, as if she didn't know the other. Sarah smiled, and for a moment Katherine felt her knees go weak. "Would you care to do an interview? Completely anonymous."

Sarah looked at the other girl, who gave her a small nod with a soft smile. "Sure." She replied, stepping forward. "There's a place around back, we can talk there?"

Katherine nodded, setting her bag down and retrieving her pencil and notebook before following her. She had already made up her mind to not ask about why she was there or if her brothers knew; it wasn't her place. She'd just met this girl, after all, and even though she was the prettiest person Katherine had ever laid eyes on, she knew there were certain lines not meant to be crossed. Sarah easily weaved her way through the theater, pausing when they'd made it to a little closet on the opposite of the stage, and turned to look at her with a slightly panicked look.

"You can't tell anyone you know me. Or that I'm working here. Especially my brothers, David would throw a frolic. And Mamma--"

Katherine smiled gently, placing her hand on Sarah's shoulder. "Don't worry. I won't tell a soul, I promise."

A look of relief washed over Sarah's face, sighing audibly. "Thank you. I don't know how I'd be able to explain it."

"Your secret is safe with me." She didn't know why, but she leaned into Sarah with a grin. "And just so we're even, I'll tell you my secret. So you can expose me if I do."

Sarah looked intrigued at that and grinned, leaning toward Katherine. "Oh, do tell."

She paused, having to compose herself as she realized how close they were; practically chest to chest, in the back of a theater, and something in her said she could trust Sarah. So she did, speaking in a soft voice. "My father is Joseph Pulitzer."

Sarah's eyes widened, blinking a few times. "Oh... Why are you here of all places then? Wouldn't that look bad?"

"Well..." She shrugged, looking away as she blushed a little. "I've never been able to resist pretty girls. Especially nice ones."

Katherine swore she heard Sarah laugh a little and looked back up, astonished that she wasn't running off to tell a police officer. Even more surprising was when Sarah leaned in and pressed a kiss to Katherine's cheek. "And I've never been able to resist smart girls, so we're both in trouble."

They stood there in silence for a moment, Katherine unsure of what to say for the first time in her life and Sarah just smiling, until the manager started calling for them to take places. They both looked in the direction and took an immediate step back from each other before laughing in sync.

"Enjoy the show, Katherine."

And even though there was that annoying newsboy trying to steal her attention once again, Katherine did enjoy; she couldn't even keep her eyes off the bowery beauty on stage that had so easily enchanted her.

[nerdygaymormon]

"Truth and the Plan" actually has nice nuggets here and there. I took interest in it since I could feel the spirit restraining Elder Oaks from saying everything he wanted to say when I heard it at General Conference. My points will mostly be feminist points because there is doctrine backing those up instead of just faith and revelations of LGBT members, which can be extrapolated to show that might hold true to points about LGBT topics. 1/?

The first point that really stood out to me was the one telling us to oppose abortion with no qualifiers. Opposing abortion without discussing when abortion is needed is against previous doctrine and if someone blindly followed that without researching the actual stance of the Church, they would be supporting maternal death, which the Church is against. The True to the Faith reference book discusses this. 2/?            

Confusing gender, distorting marriage, and teachings that discourage bearing and nurturing children are much more from toxic masculinity and an oppressive patriarchal society than anything else. Women don’t want children if they have to do it alone and if men view themselves as the higher authority in marriage when they do nothing, marriages are unappealing. These are clearly points confusing gender in a way to discourage family life, more than the LGBT community. 3/?             

I think societies view on gender is what is messed up and the Church would do well to fight it (but they might not realize it because I see a lot less toxic masculinity now that I live in Utah), but I guess we have to leave that up to non-binary and gender non-conforming individuals to fight it. I’m rather salty about the fathers abiding toxic masculinity to neglect their children because that was my father. This might be why I was sick when my ward was to discuss the talk. 4/?             

I would’ve been un-Christlike as I pointed out that the with the change in curriculum the Church has been pointing fingers at the mothers to pick up the slack instead of reprimanding fathers for not doing their part. President Hinckley would not have let this fly. He would’ve called out the brethren, but maybe they are waiting until Priesthood session to do it. I could go on about this for a long time, but I will call this tangent done.  5/?             

You reblogged some good points to bring up with the family proclamation quotes pointing to doctrine instead of culture. The talk discusses opposition and how it is always present and show that being gay has opposition from Satan (hate is only ever from Satan if someone argues otherwise). You can also testify that you know that you have a part in the plan and I would argue that part of that is being a great source of help for LGBT members. 6/?             

It also talks about how we have to learn things with faith and not just secular knowledge, this might be where you can talk about taking steps of faith and how you have spiritual knowledge that you are right in trying to find love. It also warns about sources you turn to for truth and you can discuss that you have truth about yourself and what you are to do with your life through spiritual methods and not by listening to popular opinion. 7/?             

The default in Church culture is anti-gay, you clearly have to have strong conviction and faith to stick around when everyone says go away. True conversion instead of living the standard because that was how you were raised. Along with saying don’t take popular opinion as truth, beware of anonymous sources. Beware of me and seek nuggets of truth in the talk yourself. Your ward will be lucky to discuss the talk with you in the congregation. You will not be afraid to speak the truth. 8/8            

————————————————————— 

WOW!

Thank you so much for sending this.

Here’s some other good nuggets from that talk:

God is a loving father to ALL of us

We all came to earth to have to make choices (LGBTQ people in the church have some high-stakes choices to make)

Christ is our Savior and already paid for our mistakes & sins

Our earthly relationships can be eternal

We honor individual agency

Children should be treasured and seek for best conditions for their development & happiness (

—————————————————————

I’m interested in what you mean in your first paragraph. That Elder Oaks wanted to go more hardcore but the Spirit kept him from doing so?

You brought up a number of important points, thank you for that. I’m going to comment on each of them.

1st Point - You’re correct, the Church’s standard allows abortion in certain circumstances. We don’t judge the baby’s life to be of greater value than the mother’s.

2nd Point - Confusing gender roles - It seems to me that what we know about Heavenly Father has Him primarily doing things we’d associate with a woman as outlined in FamProc. Unfortunately FamProc doesn’t say men should help nurture their children, which is sad to me. 

3rd Point - Opposition by Satan includes the hate aimed at LGBTQ people. Another part of this is us being excluded from God’s great plan of happiness, surely that would not be what a loving Heavenly Father would want.

4th Point - Personal revelation is an important part of spiritual knowledge. So many LGBT people have shared with me about the moment that God made it clear to them that they are loved as they are, that this is how they’re meant to be.

5th Point - The church has an anti-gay culture and many people use talks like this one from Elder Oaks to justify saying homophobic things. Why just this week I was in the stake offices processing temple recommends and someone made a joke about getting out of jury duty by saying they could never find a gay man innocent due to the Church’s teachings - how is that acceptable?

6th Point - We need to be careful about the sources of information and that includes what we were taught at home. That is an excellent point. Too often people look for sources to confirm what they already believe. Where the church leaders can speak about the spiritual meanings of things, we can’t dismiss that science says cishet is not the only standard, variations of gender beyond the binary exists, more than one sexual orientation exists.

————————————————————— 

Thank you for the vote of confidence!

The EQ instructor contacted me and asked me to share some thoughts with him about this lesson. That’s a good sign. Your anon messages have helped me think thru how I might reply to him.

[iwritefanficsometimes]

Eglantine 2 - I wound to heal

Check out Part 1 Here. I’m just going to keep posting this to the one-shots work, because I don’t want to lose all the comments on part 1 on AO3, so if you’re looking for part 1 on AO3 go here, and part 2 is the next chapter. I didn’t originally intend to continue this, but then I did, so now I’ve made a mess.

Summary: In the aftermath of the surgery to remove his Hanahaki Disease, and therefor his ability to love, Stephen thinks he’s coping well with being Loveless, but maybe he isn’t.

------

”Dr. Strange, you seem to be healing well.” The doctor who performed his surgery is back the next morning, looking at a clip board prepared by the nurse an hour before. “No signs of infections that we can see. When I sign you out I assume you know what to look for. Redness, swelling, pus, anything more than a very light cough and a couple petals and I want to see you in the ER.” She waves the clipboard at Strange, “But you knew that already.”

“I had a good idea. You gonna tell me to take it easy next?” He laughs and the doctor laughs with him.

“Yes, I want you on bedrest for the next few days, so no more than it takes to eat, shower and take care of yourself. You can go back to your normal activities in about about a week, barring any heavy exercise or lifting. I’d wait about a month, but by three weeks you should be safe. Come back and get those stitches out in a week.”

Stephen nods, already bored. If he could still use his hands he would have just taken the stitches out himself. If he could still use his hands he never would have fallen in love in the first place.

The doctor takes Stephen’s nod as a sign to continue the conversation, “We had a lot of patients come in to treat Hanahaki after The Snap, after their objects of affection died they wanted to get rid of the disease, hoped it would take away their pain, but that’s not really how this works.” She pulls a chair up beside him and rests her clipboard on the still untouched tray they’d brought him breakfast on. “Your capacity to feel negative emotions hasn’t been diminished. You’ll still be angry, happy, sad. You’ll still grieve. The only thing that’s gone is love. You can still live a full and happy life after this. But,” she pulled another pamphlet out of the clipboard and handed it to him, “because of a court case a few months ago, where a guy blamed being Loveless for his murder spree, post-op patients have mandatory counseling for six months. If you don’t attend with a ninety-percent attendance rate then you can be fined. Anything less than eighty and they can put you in prison. We hope that the courts will overturn it, it’s a ridiculous measure, but until then I have no choice but to ask you to observe it. I believe someone spoke to you about group options?”

“Yes, I think I’d prefer that, if it fulfills the requirements.” With a group he can attend without speaking. He can fulfill his requirement without having to expose himself any more than necessary.

“Only certified groups do. There’s a list of the ones in New York that satisfy the requirements in the pamphlet. An individual counselor or therapist can also work with you, you’re required to attend one meeting per week or one individual session every two weeks. You can switch from one to the other at any time, but I wouldn’t recommend bouncing around too much.” She reached for her clipboard again and pulled out a pale pink sheet of paper. “This is a list of every group in the state, and licensed counselors. I’ve circled the group that I go to, so you can choose if that’s an attractor or a deterrent.” She hands him the page and he looks down at the bright purple highlighter circled group, “Loveless Anonymous.” He looked back up at her, surprise obvious on his face.

“Yeah, I know. Loveless doctor making other people Loveless, what a crime.” She rolled her eyes, “I have a lot more compassion for post-ops than some other doctors.” She covered her hand with his to keep his attention, “Compassion, consideration, friendliness, those are all things you can still feel. Hell, I have a platonic partner. This doesn’t have to be the end of anything. It’s just a different kind of beginning.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He draws his hand out from under hers, pretending to study the sheet. “When will I be released.”

“This afternoon. Do you have someone I can release you into the care of?”

No.

“Yes.”

She nodded and stood up. “I’ll be by one more time before you go to check the incision. If the cough returns while you’re still here you know where the nurse call button is.” She smiled and then left the room, leaving Stephen to his thoughts.

——

“Strange, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Tony asks when Stephen redials his most recent phone call.

“The hospital won’t release me unless someone drives me home. I tried to tell the woman that making a portal would be faster and more efficient, but she-“

“Say no more. I have an honorary doctorate in hospital breaks. When are you being released?”

“As soon as they have someone to release me to.” He had tried getting ahold of Wong, but he wasn’t answering his phone, and the nurse had taken his sling ring until she knew that someone was coming to pick him up. Contacting Tony is only logical. He has the most resources, and would be least inconvenienced by getting some robot to come and pick him up.

“Great, I’ll be there in… 7 minutes.” The call ends and Stephen is surprised. He hadn’t expected Tony to come and pick him up himself. He’d expected Tony to send one of the hundreds of people who work for him in New York, or maybe even an unmanned armor with an AI piloting it, not for Tony to come in person. He feels a twinge of something that almost feels like nausea, but it passes quickly. He realizes belatedly that it must be more empty space, love hampered.

True to his word Stark arrives in 7 minutes and comes in grins ablazing. He charms his way all the way up to recovery before a nurse finally stops him and asks him about his relation to Stephen.

“Today I’m his driver. I’m happy to get him out of your hair.” He cast another charming expression in the direction of his Loveless doctor, who rolls her eyes at him.

“Figures he’d have more stubborn pig-headed friends. He’s all yours, release papers are signed,” She hands a sheet of care instructions to Stephen and a manilla envelope filled with the information on support groups and councilors and reporting his attendance.

“Excellent, Stephen, darling, get your ass into a wheelchair.”

Stephen hates the wheelchairs, but he does as he’s told, knowing that it’s hospital procedure. He expects Tony to let a nurse take him downstairs to Tony’s waiting car, but Tony takes the handles of the chair himself, leaving them in a perfect position to speak without having to look at each other.

“So, still not going to tell me what this elective surgery is about?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Not even in exchange for a ride?”

“I’ll call Pepper if I have to. She’ll scold you for leaving a disabled man on the side of the road by the hospital.”

“I wouldn’t leave you on the side of the road. I’d leave you in the middle.” Stephen can’t see Tony’s joking grin, but he knows instinctively that it must be there. There’s another wave of empty nausea, but he ignores it.

---------

Tony drops him off at the Sanctum Sanctorum, even going so far as to walk Stephen in and set him up in his room, bringing him water and producing a Starkpad from nowhere to give to him.

“It’s got state of the art voice commands. I know your hands aren’t the best with these kinds of screens.” There’s another roll of nausea like a thunder crack, but Stephen ignores it and analyzes the tablet. These small gestures, he knows, were his undoing. These were things Tony did for all his teammates, but they resonated with Stephen until he loved him. In so many universes, in so many alternate timelines, Stephen had failed irrevocably in love with Tony, and it was never for the grand gestures or the great sacrifices, it was these little gestures that stuck with him.

“Thank you, Stark. I appreciate it.” He feels a tug against his heart like pride, but there’s no pity in Tony’s eyes. He saw a problem, a difficulty, and then he did something to help. He wasn’t trying to fix Stephen. He wasn’t saying that Stephen wasn’t good enough. He was just trying to give Stephen easy access to the things he needed most. Magic, unfortunately, couldn’t manipulate the touch screens like it could books and other objects. Computers had become largely unusable to him.

“Sure thing. It’s got a stylus in there that you can control with your magic if that’s a thing wizards to.” His cheeky smile makes Stephen rolls his eyes.

“I’m a sorcerer, not a background character in a JK Rowling novel.”

“Sure thing.” He pulls a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on, smiling at Stephen all the while. “Still not going to tell me what the surgery was for?”

“If this was meant to be a bribe you can have it back.” He holds the remarkably light tablet up with shaking hands, but Tony waves it away.

“It was a gift, even if I did hope it would soften you up. You’re entitled to your secrets, I guess.” The way he says it makes it sound like Stephen most certainly isn’t entitled to his secrets, but he’s still not pushing it. “I’ll catch you tomorrow. Feel free to cancel if you’re not feeling up to it. If you push yourself Pepper won’t like it.”

“I thought she had her hands full keeping you from pushing yourself.”

“She does, but she’s a very adaptable woman and will gladly chew you out too.” He grins shoves his hands in his pocket. “It was good seeing you Strange.”

“You too, Tony.” Stephen smiles. Despite the empty space where love once suffocated him, it was still good to see Tony. They still bantered, they still laughed, they were still friendly. Stephen just didn’t love him anymore. Maybe this would be for the best after all.

Tony leaves without a backwards glance, just a casual hand wave and a yell for Stephen not to be late to lunch. Stephen laughs but doesn’t reply.

-----

“Do you want me to bring you anything back?” Stephen asks, popping into the library at Kamar Taj to see Wong before he portaled to Pepper and Tony’s penthouse.

Wong furrowed his eyebrows when he saw Stephen standing so soon after surgery. “From where?”

“France, remember, I asked to have someone cover the Sanctum while I had lunch with Pepper and Tony?” Stephen raised an incredulous eyebrow at Wong, who usually didn’t forget when Stephen did things like “shirk his duties” and “put himself first.”

“You’re still going to that?” Wong’s tone of voice leaves no question as to his opinion on the matter. He doesn’t think Stephen should go. Stephen can’t imagine why.

“Of course. We made the plan weeks ago. Why wouldn’t I go?”

Wong’s eyes search him again, like at the hospital, and Stephen knows he must come up empty. Loveless. Should going out to lunch with his former love and his wife make him uncomfortable? “No reason, I suppose.” Wong closes the book he’s reading and gets up from his post to return it to the library. “I’m not hungry, no need to bring anything back.” The coldness is uncharacteristic of Wong, and Stephen knows it. He feels a different sort of hollowness now, not nausea. It’s more like an empty grief.

“Alright. I’ll see you later then.” Stephen leaves again, confused by Wong’s reaction. Stephen thought that being Loveless wasn’t changing much about him, or in his life, but maybe he was wrong.

-----

“I went to lunch with my POA and his spouse.” Stephen tells the room at large, though he’s not really sure why. It was just his turn to share and he did. It felt fine. It felt easy. It didn’t hurt.

The Loveless Group is circled up like a bunch of kindergarteners, and Stephen could see every face in the room, just like they could see his. He's in plain clothes, sweats, loose tee-shirt, running shoes, the sort of things he wouldn’t have been caught dead in in public when he was still a practicing surgeon. “It made a close friend of mine, the only one I told about the surgery, uncomfortable. I didn’t tell him who my POA was, but I think he figured it out.” Stephen crosses his arms and looks down. “He’s smart like that.”

“And your POA,” the circle leader, though he assured the group there was no “leader” only a facilitator, asks, “Had no idea?”

“No. He’s married. He loves her. I didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on him.”

“How can you still be friends with your POA?” The woman almost directly across from him asks. Her bleach blond hair is growing in dark at the roots and her  eyes are bloodshot. “I mean, I don’t love mine anymore, but I still feel this ache where the love used to be. It’s unbearable.” She looks away, brown eyes tearing up, “I miss loving him.”

“Serena, this is difficult for all of us, and everyone’s reaction to Lovelessness is different.” The facilitator smiled at her. Deeply tanned skin, chocolate eyes, wavy ear length hair, he’s trying so hard to be compassionate through his own suffering, Stephen can tell.

“I have duties, responsibilities to people, maybe to the world. I haven’t really stopped to think about missing loving him.” Stephen is starting to worry that maybe they cut out more than the love. His empathy was never particularly well developed, but he could have sworn he had more than this.

“How long have you been Loveless?” another woman asks, this one older, maybe mid sixties, with blueing gray hair and fogging eyes. Cataracts.

“My surgery was last Thursday.” It’s only Tuesday now. Less than a week, just like the doctor ordered.

She smiles in his direction, but her eyes are having trouble focusing on him. She doesn’t seem to have anything else to say, so Stephen turns away from her, back to the friendly facilitator, silently asking him to move on.

“Alright, Carla, would you like to go next?”

The tiny girl sitting beside Stephen nods, but it’s acknowledgement, not affirmation. She keeps nodding like she’s thinking, and Stephen feels a twinge of sadness for her, for all of them. They had all almost died because of love, been betrayed by their own emotions, grown flowers for affection that had infected and destroyed. “My POA came back after The Snap. And… he told me he loved me, as soon as he saw me. I- I haven’t seen him in eight months. I didn’t know how to tell him that I’d killed whatever love I had for him to save myself.” Her voice becomes thick and the whole room watches silently, some averting their eyes like that will spare her the pain of their gaze. Stephen can’t imagine there’s any pain worse than what she must be feeling. Regret that deep doesn’t die easy.

“Carla,” The facilitator murmurs, leaning forward to see her more clearly where she sat too close to him in the circle. “There isn’t anything selfish about the choice you made. You did what you had to do. There’s not a single person here who judges you for that.”

There was a chorus of agreeable murmurs, Stephen’s not among them, but he still nods. They all understand what it was like to stand between flowers and life and choose life. Even if some of their loved ones didn’t understand.

Carla nods, keeps nodding. She bites her lip to ward off more tears, but shakes her head when they start flowing anyway. “My mom called me last night and told me that he was getting married. He wanted my address to send me an invitation.”

Stephen unconsciously reaches out to touch her, placing a hand on her shoulder. He hopes she doesn’t mind the shaking. She leans into it and her face collapses into her hands. “I don’t even love him anymore, but it hurts so much, because that could have been me. If I’d just held on maybe I could have survived until he came back and he- maybe he-”

Stephen feels tears come to his own eyes, knowing that missed opportunity too well. If he’d told Tony on Titan everything he’d seen, if he’d told him right there that he loved him, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten married while Stephen was gone. Maybe he would have waited for him. Maybe he could have come back to a man who was willing to love him like Stephen had loved him.

“I know it must be hard.” Stephen tells her, his own voice thick.

“It is. It’s so hard. I don’t even know why I cut them out if I still had to hurt this way.”

“Lovelessness only takes away the love.” The facilitator reminds her, “Everything else is still there. This pain is normal.”

“No,” she whimpers and Stephen’s heart breaks for her. She can’t be more than twenty. “No, it’s not normal. I’m supposed to move on. I’m supposed to be over it. Why does it still hurt so much?”

“Because not being able to love him doesn’t take away your ability to miss him.” Stephen tells her, strangely insightful for someone who’s only been Loveless a few days.

“He’s right.” The older woman says. “It’s like a bad break up, dear, but you don’t get the closure of falling out of love. It’ll pass with time. Some people only need a few months, some people need years.” There’s a far away look in her cloudy eyes that tells Stephen she was the latter.

Carla keeps crying and Stephen rubs her shoulder, looking at the facilitator to move on again. He does, and Stephen spends the rest of the session rubbing the girl’s shoulder, like that tiny bit of affection could heal the remnants of a lost heart.

-----

“You did really well, especially for your first meeting. You okay?” The wavy haired facilitator asks him while Stephen was helping pick up trash after the meeting. Most of the others are stacking the chairs, but with his shaking hands Stephen would do more harm than good if he tried to assist them.

“I’m fine.” Stephen tells him, too curtly for someone who he had just bared whatever heart he had left to.

“Good to hear,” he says it like he believes it, but he obviously doesn’t. He pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to Stephen. “This is my card.” It’s cheap, printed on the thinnest card stock known to man and it tells him the name of the group, the name of the facilitator, Sebastian, and a phone number. “That’s my personal cell. To supplement the sessions we set up a buddy system, like AA sponsors. It changes every few months. When the next round starts I’ll add you to the roster. Text me there when you get a chance.” He points to the card again. “Until you get set up with a buddy from the group, think of me as your buddy. Any imposing thoughts, fears, worries, just shoot me a text and I’ll reply as fast as I can.” He pats Stephen on the arm and shakes him a little, like he’s forming a camaraderie. “First few weeks can be a learning curve, so feel free to talk, alright?”

Stephen nods, tells him a simple thank you before shoving the card into the pocket of his sweatpants. Sebastian smiles and excuses himself to finish cleaning up just in time for a red-eyed Carla to come up behind him and try to get his attention. He must have seen her coming.

“You were Stephen, right?” She asks, and he nods.

“Carla?” She nods, and she’s wringing her hands, not looking at his eyes for more than a few moments at a time.

“Yeah, I just- I wanted to thank you, for what you said, and for… understanding. I appreciate it.” She smiles, but it’s too stiff. He feels bad for her, for the pain she must be in. To live through The Snap was a sort of trauma all it’s own that generations of people would be living with, but with a returned Previous Object of Affection, he could imagine how she must be emotionally beating herself.

He nods at her, wants to reach out, but doesn’t. He shoves his hands in his pockets and smiles as kindly as he can manage. “I guess I just said what I would have wanted to hear. I hope you start feeling better soon.” It feels like a stupid thing to say, but he doesn’t have anything better to say, not then. He’s too fragmented, thinking about all the things he should be feeling but isn’t. The doctor said it might be this way, while he tried to get his emotional bearings.

“Me too.” She smiles, teary eyed again. “See you next week Stephen.” She walks away, turns back to wave, and Stephen watches her go. Stephen was under the impression that it was much harder to develop Hanahaki at her age. It must have been intense love. He sighs, pushes the thought away for another, more appropriate time, and finds a quiet place to portal himself back to the Sanctum. He needs to meditate.

[soyunposts-blog]

CAUTION: EYES’re doing MORE than just watching!

Dear users

Holiday’s coming! Haven’t you planned for it yet? Why don’t you go abroad and experience a whole new world? Let yourself be in dazzling moments and unbelievable sights. You DESERVE it.

Planning for the trip, HOWEVER, is often annoying. You are bound to book a flight and search for accommodation to stay. And as you know, it’s absolutely annoying to compare every product by yourself.

In this case, what if someone who knows you well(maybe better than your mom does) recommends certain products that would be PERFECT for you? I can do this. I can predict what you want by collecting a pile of private data of you from a full range of apps in your phone. It’s a hassle for me but I can do this just for you. It’s comfortable and simple. All you have to do is just sit on the bed and click the ad links that I provide you. Just enjoy your holiday!

Best Wishes,

Facebook

How would you feel if you got this message from Facebook, one of the most beloved and trustworthy social media? It sounds tempting, doesn’t it? However, if you take a closer look, you will discover something creepy and tricky, what I made as bold.

Have you ever seen sponsored ads on your Facebook or Instagram news feed? If you don’t want it, you can hide the ad by tapping the menu on the top right corner of the sponsored post, and then choosing Hide This. Then the other ads will show up, anyway. There are various kinds of ads in general but think about a certain moment when you plan a holiday trip to Scotland. You’ve recently been going over Skyscanner, a travel fare aggregator website, and then you would see the sponsored ads related to Scotland travel on your news feed. You didn’t tell Facebook or Instagram you’re going to Scotland. You were browsing only Skyscanner, not those apps. But they already know before informed. Look at the image below, explaining this mechanism to Instagram users.

It collects your personal data from your app usage pattern such as liking, following, what information you see, and so on. And it is not just from Instagram itself but also from “third-party sites and apps.” Who knows what these sites and apps are? It is creepy to know anonymous “stalkers” have kept eyes on you. Of course, they’re not totally anonymous since Facebook or Instagram must inform its users that it uses their private data, not to violate Privacy Law. But who cares about the Privacy Policy written with tiny fonts? Signing in Facebook leads automatically to agreeing to its Privacy Policy.

Plus, there’s even a service called Facebook Connect. When you sign in some sites, you might see the option saying “Log in with Facebook.“ like the image below. It’s from Skyscanner, I mentioned before. It seems absolutely convenient because there’s no need to write down your personal information every time you sign in different sites.

In addition, it turned out that Facebook was sent private information from several popular apps even without users’ consent. These apps include Skyscanner and even religious applications. Religious behaviors are considered to be one of the most private parts of life but Facebook is tracking these behavioral data as well.

As you see, people nowadays are under Surveillance Capitalism. Zuboff(2015) asserts that “this new form of information capitalism aims to predict and modify human behavior as a means to produce revenue and market control.” Private human behavior turns into behavioral data, with which huge online platforms like Facebook and Google predict users’ future interest or transaction. This data is about its users, but the users don’t own it. It belongs to online platforms and their partners. They can generate huge profit out of this private information.

Some users may say that the fact that they use our data is not a big deal because people can also benefit from the personalized service provided. But people obviously know that they must not be deprived of liberty they gained by overthrowing the monarchy. It is horrible to live in a society like one described in George Orwell’s novel 『1984』 published in 1949. If so, why not with privacy?  Human private data is a significant element of liberty. 

Moreover, there’s another issue as well. Let’s move again on to Instagram Ads policy and focus on the underlined phrase below.

What ads are INTERESTING? What are RELEVANT to you? In fact, Facebook or Instagram is the one who DECIDES what is interesting and relevant to you. They have all this right to present what you see. According to Agenda-Setting Theory(Griffin, Ledbetter, & Parks, 2015), what you see can affect what you think about and what you think is important. The media “may not be successful much of the time in telling people what to think, but it is stunningly successful in telling its readers what to think about.”(Cohen, 1963)

It doesn’t have to be a serious political or gender issue. The power of those EYES on you is related to every aspect of your life to some extent. For instance, if you are frequently exposed to sponsored ads and posts saying all your colleges are working out these days, you might happen to take it into account to buy workout equipment like yoga matt or running shoes. This makes it certain that Surveillance Capitalism can predict and even modify your behavior.

Creepy, isn’t it? Do you still think those eyes on you are just watching you? Do you still think that it’s just convenient to let Facebook collect your private data? It’s time to be aware of its threat.

References:

Cohen, B. C. (1963). The press and foreign policy. Princeton: Princeton University Press.                      

Griffin, E., Ledbetter, A., & Parks, G. (2015). A first look at communication theory (9th ed.). New York, NY.

Zuboff, S. (2015). Big other: Surveillance capitalism and the prospects of an information civilization. Journal of Information Technology, 30, 75–89.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-6783409/Facebook-tracking-people-dont-ACCOUNT.html\