#IF I EVER COULDNT BE WITH HER I THINK ID JUST DIE SHES MY LIFE FORCE I NEED HER MORE THAN AIR WATER FOOD ANYTHING

[tinylittlebab]

oh how i missed this

[sleepybugeyes]

I read through all of Elias/Jonah's dialogue (as you do) plus some relistening and mentions of him, so here's a big list of some fun things and behaviors I noted!

I thought he made a lot of eye puns/jokes, but he only does it once in mag161, however he does enjoy making jokes. "Creativity never was their forte." from mag80, "You want my account? My sworn testimony? My statement?" from 82, "If you die, I’m afraid you probably won’t be able to claim your expenses." in 116 and "I only have two eyes, after all." in 120. no one ever laughs at his jokes only he finds them amusing

His last words telling Jon a sarcastic or mocking "good luck" are mirrored earlier as he also tells Basira good luck the last time he sees her, and Martin, as he's getting arrested

He loves gloating. "I forget how new you all are to this." from mag92, "Coffee is not as good for disguising tastes as you might think." in 98, "She’s hoping that even if I see it coming she’ll still be able to overpower me. She’s wrong, of course," in 102, "A masterpiece, isn’t it?" abt his panopticon in 158 and of course his whole monologue in 160

He does his budgeting on tuesdays and his scheduling on wednesdays

He also likes getting lost in work

in mag40 he makes up proper incompetency (said he didnt know how the fire system works, while he later admits he was actively waiting) just that once, but more so he acts like he doesnt get the full picture (doesnt know whats in the tunnels, whats strange about the institute) or acts too late and apologises (not stepping into jon's stalking behaviour). Which makes me think he is quite fine letting people think less of him but unless he has something to hide hes not actively looking to give the impression

in mag92 elias slides the papers for basira across his desk, but you don't hear him take them out before, meaning he prepared and got ready for this before he called the police

in general he's a very preparing man, Lukas steps in when Elias is arrested so has has control over who'd run it. in mag118 he says he prepared something to hurt martin (my speculation is that he likely has some trauma that could hurt you prepared for any person that could cross him, just in case he needs it). When he gets arrested he has something prepared so he doesnt get killed and ofc s1-4 is preparing Jon for his grand ritual

Elias admits the idea for his ritual kinda fell into place after Getrude didnt do anything about the people's church in march 2015. He shot Getrude and appointed Jon shortly after so "when you came to me already marked by the Web, I knew it had to be you." is pure dramatics as Jon was hired 4 years prior

also he got his ritual in 2018 so he managed to acomplish his life's goal in only 3 years, love his grindset 🔥

We never get a number for how many people Elias has killed in his ritual, the real life millbank has held over 1000 people at once, but id imagine his one panopticon held less than a whole complex

its really interesting to me in mag92 that hes SO sure they all know he's talking to them of his own free will. is he just that dead set on being in control or making sure they take no credit for his confession

there is a clock in Elias' office (but it's only heard in mag98)

He has killed people but Elias is very much not a blood thirsty person. Getrude and Peter are both surprised when he results to that. He's very much just ruthless and does not care, if to get his way he has to kill someone. It doesnt seem like he's ever happy to do so, maybe this is a quirk of being eye aligned and getting rid of any type of knowledge is painful (he does for example never want Tim to die at the Unknowing), or he just finds covering those murders up a hassle

for the Unknowing Elias books them all hotel rooms, how thoughtful

something cute to me that Jon was too good at the Eye that Elias couldnt meet him face to face post coma

In mag158 he implies that even Institute employees not in the archives are tied to it, at least enough that they could suffer or die if it burned down

between finding other people just as tools to watch and discard and saying empathy holds you back he was definitely a very very lonely man

He is a very breathy person. He sounds breathy when he talks. He takes deep breaths to ready himself and before he uses his powers. And he often breathes through his nose before speaking or during pauses

He has said Jon's name 62 times, only twice calling him "Jonathan" and called him archivist 25 times (24 in the mag120 statement, 1 in mag138 and 1 in mag161)(he also kinda calls him The Archive in 160)

other fun amount of words: know (65 times), see (42), martin (35), detective (20), eyes (20) and eye (9), afraid (9) and "bullshit" (1)

its still insane to me they added all of those sound effects of Elias' cuffs in prison, thats something fun to appreciate. It also means its canon he gestures quite a bit!

[tetsuooooooooooo]

ok im watching act 3 again to write down my questions and see if anything makes sense this time

edit im 2 eps in this got long as FUCK kjchgxhi come talk to me!!!!! im screeching into the void!!!!!!! americans wake up look at my post!!!!!!!! say everything to me!!!!!!!!!

why are we introducing time travel alternate universes into this story

where did the other ekko go, was he in Our ekkos universe/body or just out of commission, bc that makes no sense i think, if they didnt switch then wheres the ✨symmetry✨

do you think that skye had anything to do with them figuring out the cleaning flowers thing in the AU? and is viktor dead? and jayce in jail? banished? i wonder where skye went here i hope shes living her best not in love with a gay guy life

where the FUCK was the Original-AU heimerdonger when he got bodysnatched by the Our version? they do still call him professor but in Our version he just recently got kicked out of the council so would he still be just freeloadin around zaun at that point in the AU? was he ever councilor?

can everyone on my screen Please stop hurling their guts out from timetraveldisease

if theres no hextech and no anomaly in the AU reality then how did it throw them in it in the first place

ekko is smart but if he was smarter hed stay around to research what needed to happen to make zaun work in this version and save himself time figuring it out from the groundup back home, i think

but also what the fuck COULD have possibly happened to make it so different CUZ LIKE- ok the little flashback bit with vi dying in jayces house- the gang is wearing the same clothes as in Our version, so that would probably indicate that THAT zaun was also in the same state as Our ""original"" version too? right? no? i mean i would say they did put emphasis on clag n mylos clothes being different and more piltovian or whatever idk maybe im onto nothing WAIT NO BECAUSE CLAGGOR WAS MAKING THE DAMN FLOWER TO CLEAN THE POLLUTION SO IF THATS STILL THERE THEN IT COULDNT HAVE BEEN RESOLVED THAT MUCH EARLIER HERE RIGHT

also what the fuck had to be different exactly for enforcers to bust the kids after blowing up a building and not chuck them all in stillwater this time around? did they really care that much about vi dying? was that really the inciting incident for zauns inclusion? marcus? fucking MARCUS marcus? marcus "im gonna bury the lot of you" "deals with the devil to get a 14 yearold put in jail for life"* marcus sees a zaunite girl dead (after breaking into a piltover home and wrecking it) and just goes "aw :c" ? the council of rich businessfucks like salo whod do everything they can to maintain the status quo? is One Dead Kid (still the name of my nonexistent band) really all it takes this time? am i too tough on these people am i dumb if id like some elaboration on how that whole story went or

*to be honest i. dont really get what that Deal thing with silco was about in the first place

wheres Scar aaaat show me my guyy whERES VIKAAA

how did the shimmer story end up in the AU because IF the main change here is vis death then i could believe that silco WAS still already on track with beginning the production at that point if of course singed is also in the same position as Originally

is there a universe where that hammer lands on jayjays head and ends him right there

did silco forgive vanvan before or after zaun gets their "win" in the AU? because my bet is DEFINITELY after

ALSO how the fuck in a city like piltover did they not renovate jayces blown up flat after fuck knows how many years, at LEAST 3 (id wager at least 7 but thats just me so whatever) like city of progress who?? is it just there as like a cautionary tale??? did they put up a lil plaque for jayce after he kild himself?? they just boarded that shit up tho there was nobody there?? why did they leave it like that idk

WHY did heimerdeimer die???? DID he die?? why did he DIE?????? what happens to the AU-Original hongerdonger??? you couldnt have just waited 10 minutes and have powder do allat?? she trusted us right? maybe not

why WAS bonking viktor in the head with the zdrive the answer to our problems

powder knew what she was doing with that innovators cum petition sign right

WHAT the FUCK was that mylo claggor moment like am i inSANE OR WAS THIS SUS AS HELL also (man rapping) put some FUCKING RESPECT on stromaes name

how DID rizzard viktor stop being purple actually. god i still hate that reveal im not smart but i refuse to believe that was good writing

what happened to put that rock in jayces wrist? it wasnt a process it was viktor doing it in a split second why did that need to happen? so he wouldnt lose it? hunh?

no because WHAT IS AMBESSAS FUCKING GOAL HERE IN THE END

does she want kino back? whAT DO YOU WANT WOMANNNN

did that princess girl that got her head sliced off by bessa in the first season actually have anything to do with anything in the end or not cuz im just confuzzled

how does he know that

what does that mean

how does SHE know THAT

what does THAT mean

does loris have the same accent as vik??????

where the fuck did that ginger binch come from in the first place is she from piltover or noxus if shes from piltover what did ambessa give her and when

Neither of them would say ANY of this shit

wonder what vi would say if she saw this conversation before her and cait decided to pork

im just gonna choose to believe she was in there for like 5 hours so her labrador attention span just reset and she chilled out about jinx (actually ykw i guess im willing to believe at this point she doesnt really care that much if jinky offs herself or not)

what the FUCK ARE these goddamn doll puppet thingies viktor makes why are they LIKE that why is THIS the theme here (because orianna and Plot) (but like dyouknow what i mean)

what the fuck was the point of Skye Young as a character in this entire story other than a Gaydar Jammer. with all respect to skyvik stans but like. what is it.

lmao you abandoned them much before that guys

we stan a I Gave You Food And A Roof Why Are You Sad You Ungrateful Ingrate queen

it REALLY DOESNT DOES IT JGHCCGHIBC

why DID skye die again? they wouldnt have just? integrated? again? or smthn? why is this a one-passenger ride all of a sudden? we already got a hivemind thing goin? whatsup?

[triplegoths]

untagged

i cant fucking take living like this anymore

i cant do it i have to end it soon theres literally nothing for me here anymore. its too much to do. im never gonna fucking have another close in real life relationship.

i want to just like order some food at work so im not more miserable being here but i dont have the strength or stomach to eat something. ill eventually try maybe. i dont know. the drugs make me not eat like a fucking sick dog already and everything rn just says i dont deserve it

i have no motive or energy to do anything but work or somethimes playing a game but even that were usually unable bc were too tired.

whats the fucking issue with me!!!! i just dont give a shit anymore i dont want to do anything nothing makes me happy everythinf eventually juat makes me feel scared and sick and weird. every time i try to make fun or have plans it goes horrible and it just feels worse so i wont anymore ill just fucking rot alone like life wants me to

nobody here can help me and if i could i couldnt afford it so who fucking cares its cheaper to kill myself and lose the body so they dont need funeral costs. theyd misgender and shave me anyway probably

im just so fucking over it all im never gonna be happy like this. i got nothing. theres no good its just working til i fucking kill myself and putting myself through fuxking agony constantly for a life that continues to just KICK AND KICK AND KICK AND KICK me when im fucking down. i cant handle anything else happening. im trying so hard to get things done and theres just fuxking nothing. i will never ever be enough and ill never feel enough.

doesnt matter what or when or the circumstance its so depressing that its not just romantic relations too im so fuckinf scared in groups i automatically feel unwelcome and hated and like i should just go off by myself because im literally so unlikeable and everything has proved it forever. like genuinely as soon as i realized there were more than 2 people i got terrified and started questioning everythinf i did and wanted to run away bc i felt like i wasnt meant to be there and it was ovipus and i was being annoying like fucking ALWAYS GOD IM SO SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS can i just shut up forever? dirk please come back to front im tired of annoying all the people who so graciously allow me to exist around them so i dont have to be in such crushing loneliness all the time i feel like such a fucking baby and everybody probably thinks im such an annoying drug addict too can i just quit it and fucking feel and then kill myself already when i realize its worse

like im never gonna be able to afford any of the shit i need to heal and i dont even wanna try bc ill get 3 appointments in and will run out of money and continue doing that and then ill die bc i cant afford anything else. like why would i do that to myself ill just suffer like this and just do my best forever til i can only rot. id rather get it fuckinf over with and just die now. this isnt a life

i go frm one box go another. rotting. i rot at home alone or i go to work alone. i dont really go out. i dont really talk to anybody. i dont really see anybody. i have 1 irl friend who talks to me and lives in town. the other i dont see her often and honestly feel so embarassed of myself around her because of how i am that i can barely convince myself to see her sometimes even if she is in town. the other person is one of my exs and he doesnt give a shit about me he just wants sex bc thats the only thing im good for. i feel like i just annoy and make everybody uncomfortable conwtantly i dont wanna do it anymore i want to shut up

i always do it i always just talk endlessly frm the second i fucking could before most kids could talk even and i just never shut up did i? my parents were always annoyed by me talking about things that brought me joy (and they never believed me for things that were upsettinf and it was just fake and i needed to be quiet about it bc theyre not taking me to the doctor. so i stopped talking about it to my family and everybody else in my life in that era did the same. the bullies. my friends who ignored me. no matter the form it was always like that i just need to learn to keep quiet and go away and not need anything ever again. i couldnt fucking learn it every time i got a red or yellow card for talking (usually trying to ask questions bc i didnt understand or couldnt see or couldnt hear in elementary school. or to make conversation bc i was friendly and had no friends and my parent didnt play with me so i was lonely. nobody ever liked me bc i was weird. i feel like such a bitter dickhead but i get so jealous when i see that people talk to others every day. especially in person. im so fucking alone i literally get so excited when people want to call with me even if it makes me really scared (and sometimes if im not comfortable enough or feeling sad i will run a away from that too because im so scared to fuckinf annoy people and say something stupid or be boring or trying too hard or just fucking being a total downer because theres nothing good ever going on for me. i got so depressed goin on bsky today and seeing everyone playing webfishing when i cant. but even so lik.e maybe im glad i djdnt join bc one of them was in a big group with new mut and then all strangers so like. its better i wasnt able to bc i would probably jusg feel worse and run away frm everyone bc i feel inadequate snd guilty for taking up space. i always feel like im bothering everyone no matter what. fuck my exhusband in general but he also made me so much more insecure than i was already. he made me feel so annoying and he broke my communication. i was alone with him and JUST him for so long. i could only communicate in nonsense phrases sometimes (literal jibberish not memes) because thats all he would respond to or wouldnt talk to me until i did. he changed my whole pattern of speech and i still almost lapse into it sometimes. it was never any kind of real conversation about anything i felt like it withered my brain. nothing ever in depth just stupid sensless bullshit and jokes (that were often insulting me and made me feel like shit) and i was doing it for fucking nothing because everything else sucked too!!!! the only time there was ever a conversation was when i was BEGGING HIM to stop sometbing or do something for the millionth time. or him defending himself or trying to force my support and trigger my ocd (i genuinely think he was trying to make it worse he never respected it ever he mever respected a single part of me) or him fighting with me on something again (usually the thing was due to him and i just was not being forgiving and quiet and turning off my emotions enough about it. learned numb happiness)

my existence is like a plague and theres nothing here for me. theres even less left of me after he got done with me. he stripped my personality all the way down and forcef me to mirror him. everythinf will always be rotted and ill feel like a horrid shell of a person any time im near anyone. the only option is being alone. maybe this time i will learn and just fuxking stop all of this so we can stop being a curse on everybody. even if i could afford mental help theres nobody that can help me here so its all a waste. i feel like everybody will just hurt me again. doesnt even have to be a partner i feel like every single person is gnna realize sooner or later that im not worth it or they dont like me (ir even hate me) and that im just too fucking annoying to be around

i dont want to be annoying anymore. i wish it was like right after he went to prison again when i didnt have anything and was an empty shell and had nothing to say or talk about that wasnt venting. i wish i never got back some of my "sparkle" or whatever the fuck people call it. mines not a sparkle. its a noxious cloud of toxic annoyance fumes and everybody just has to keep their masks up til i vacate the area. why would i ever fucking want this to come back. i need to shut the fuck up i really do. just take our personality and every crumb of joy again im so sick of it. make it so i dont have any of those thoughts to even post. thus sparing everyone from having to be like "UGH this motherfucker AGAIN. does he ever shut the fuck up? is he ever quiet? can he just log off already? this guy definitely has no life. why does he always have to butt into everything"

that way i can just post like. the shortest most boring updates ever like "back to work! only 3 days this week for the 39 hours. more time off is always good" and then shut up for days and then "got paid nice. going to the bank and then grabbing a few groceries" like thats do much better. nobody needs to fucking know man its sad and depressing and all the same OR you are the most obnoxious prick on any site youre ever and you ruin everybodys day when theyre forced to see you in their notifs or on their timeline

ive probably already muted me bc it didnt even take a week for me to just talk way too muxh when none of of it is important and nobody wants to hear it

even if im not allowed to talk frm my body. its already annoying enough in text and then psyically i just stutter and trip over myself or cant think or forget what i was saying

i wanna delete everything i have and crawl into the earth. i hate being alive. the one time i find something that makes me happy even the littlest bit i cant do it anymore. disallowed by the universe and painfully reminded of the fact im supposed to alone and theres actually nothing for me. it doesnt get better for me it only gets worse. and it makes me feel stupid for believing it could even though thats few and far between. theres nothing left for me i need to just get whatever drugs i decide on and have one last hoorah and take enough to kill me. which hopefully wont even be that hard because im mixing downers and uppers constantly so like its only a matter of time right. my nose hurts and i feel like crying and my body is killing me again so im taking both things again. one for pain. one for maybe like. a little bit of energy but mainly so i dont feel so absolute shit. i just want it all to stop i dont wanna get better anymore im sick of it every time i try i get fucking worse or am crushed by something else even harder than before im DONE WITH IT IM FUCKING OVER IT i just wanna end it theres nothing fucking here for me im never making it. im sick of trying. im sick of always helping even while going through the wordt shit imaginable. im not sick of it. i want to help and i love helping. but it makes me fucking SICK to think about how ive spent my whole life caring for others. have been let down or ignored or told i was lying or had them hurt me instead so many times over i just fucking wish i was important enough to have gotten help when i needed it. to be listened to enough for somebody to even acknowledge or believe there is an issue (or simply convince me im overreacting)

it was fucking stupid of me to think my last ditch effort of doing art school because every other thing i failed miserably at because im too stupid and cant do enough and dont have the support. it doesnt even fucking matter bc my body is slowly and slowly getting closer to just saying "no fuck you" to the art i NEVER HAD TIME TO MAKE TO MY FULL ABILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE. and then ill never be able to do it ever again because i cant get help

i am going to die knowing i never finished a single thing in my life and nobody will ever know what i was capable of.

i want to die in the most painful and uncomfortable way possible because its what i deserve. its the only thing i truly deserve. i need to endanger myself more than i already do obviously its not killing me fast enough if im still kicking and dragging myself across the pavement. i should be dragged along the pavement by a semitruck instead.

i wanna kill myself so bad tonight man. im gonna try not to bc my friend really needs me rn. but i really might relapse. im so fucking tired i want to just go and sleep but ill stay up just for that. i should just cut a vein already why do i care about beinf careful. there was a thing i wanted to do... cut myself with a razor right after i use it to chop **** because maybe itll make me feel good when im not or just fuck my heart enough to make me faint or do smth stupider

ive been writing this for so long im fucking done. i got 2.5 more hours here. i hope i find my mouse when i go home so i change my mind but i honestly really just want to end it right now. im at the end of the line really. im gonna work til i die and never get a break

"everyday it feels like noone sees and noone knows. every day i kinda wanna cancel the show." /lyr

please for the love of god like this if you read all of it i just spilled my whole guts and not even well

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

My personal “screaming about the lack of Ladynoir in the finale” post TM

Don’t know how to preface this???

this isn’t hate for the finale,

this is more, me reveling in the Angst of what they Chose Not To Put and screaming and wailing about how ladynoir has me in a chokehold

Im coming to terms with the s5 finale and finding bits of hope for my Ladynoir heart, etc. And i have decided that the finale has a ton of very very cool potential.

But i still can’t stop imagining… what if Adrien had gotten the messages from Ladybug??? What if he was About to give up being Chat Noir and give in to hopelessness and nightmares and terror and the cage he was trapped in and THEN (probably via Plagg, they could make it work) he got the frantic terrified messages from ladybug that were like “hi where ARE you?!?!?! Kitty cat come in NOW i NEED YOU!!?!? Hawkmoth knows my identity i think i am going to die i am all alone please please please show up i need you pick up pick UP.”

What if he was like. “Oh.” And his world just. Shifted. He thought his worst fear was ending the world as chat or being trapped even further by transforming in front of his father and being Caught but now Neither of those matter… now the only fear is just… not being Enough for ladybug… the fear of losing her or letting her down or making her feel as alone and abandoned and hopeless as he does right now????

What if he just????? Transformed without a moment of hesitation??? What if he was there taking to her on the phone coaching her through breathing and telling her he promised she would be okay and he promised he would be proud of her no matter what happened???? What if his own nightmares and fears started slipping through on the call and SHE turned around and reassured HIM that she trusts him fully and if he can’t trust himself he can at least trust HER judgement????? What if they both managed to avoid the mind control by being Each Others’ alliance?????

What if Ladybug found out that Chat Noir was in London ,,, because if Her identity’s been revealed to Monarch and she’s In His House than it’s Already going to hell and secrets don’t matter anymore, it just matters that they trust each other??? All they ever WANTED was to be open and trust and now its all they have left??? And theres not identity reveal or speculation bc it doesnt MATTER right now it just matters to SURVIVE or at LEAST be together for the end.

What if she told him not to come to Paris because it’s too dangerous to be in the same spot and he was like “im so sorry but i Cannot do that i cant leave you there Alone” and she was like “i know. and i love you. And id do the same. And that’s also why i cant tell you who monarch is or where the house is because i KNOW you’ll come here and i cant stop you. We cant both be in his grasp i just need you on the phone”

What if she fought in the basement for her life while getting support from him whilst he rallied all the other heroes and the resistance across the surface of paris???? What if we had ladybug and chat noir fighting the same battle on two different fronts, both Very Aware of each others’ situation nonstop,,, working as a Team despite the distance????? What if chat was just nonstop doing everything he could to reassure ladybug that they were doing okay and everyone supported her and he Trusted Her to do anything because the nightmares were STILL debilitating for everyone including them and they couldnt afford for either of them to get akumatized or even DISTRACTED and they just told puns and reminded each other when to use their powers and when to breathe?????

And chat could be captured or whatever and have to call out to ladybug and she could be like “send me your kwami its okay you did so good, i’ll be okay ill see you again”

Bug noire could still happen but it would be a strategic choice BOTH of them made TOGETHER with pain and love mixed together rather than the result of major decisions that they both were forced to make Independantly with no communication only fear and guilt and lonliness???

I dont know how to explain this but this is not salt this is not hate towards the episode this is just,,,, UGH this show has made me SO INVESTED in the dynamics and they had a CHANCE to do stuff and make it so fun and they DIDNT ,,,, they CHOSE to make it darker and grittier this time and i think it’s probably going in a cool direction,,, i think that ladybug and chat noir are gonna have some Fun (for me not for them) things to Discuss after this and some brand new abandonment issues combined with weird bits of Hope that Apparently they can survive on their own, all in a messy weird blurry pool of fears and relief and guilt and lonliness!!!!! And there’s so much to explore

But ALSO i miss my ladynoir goddammit i miss when it was the ladybug and chat noir show and i feel a little bit hollow seeing how ALONE!!! BOTH OF THEM were!!! this entire finale!!!!!!!!! Why are they ALONE those are my LADYNOIR they are PARTNERS do not SEPARATE THEM!!!! Stop doing PLOTS and HARD DECISIONS and IN CHARACTER MISTAKES to them and PLEASE just let them be perfect and together anyways aaaaaaaaa

(Bonus u can read the absolute essay i accidentally put in my tags for more scrambled thoughts)

[mezmer]

Mention of death toward the end

Lately I've been thinking about how much pain my grandma was in during her last days and how she was opening up for years about the pain she felt, how she felt nobody was respecting her or helping her in her last years, how she felt like everyone hated her cuz that's genuinely how my mom kind of treated her. And I grew up yanno when I was old enough to handle it, with my mom telling me how bad my grandma was. And id ask her what grandma did and one thing that seemed to really bother my mom was my grandma having a breakdown and stabbing the couch with a knife. That's it. And stealing my mom's Ritalin. Idk that's a mentally ill woman. Maybe I feel bad looking at it from the granddaughter's point of view as opposed to a daughter. My grandma had a hard life. She was close to her brothers and lost them both in freak accidents when she was young. Both her parents also in freak accidents, separately. Swear to God. And my grandma had a good handle on life probably 90% of the time. She was a very funny and sweet talkative woman. And I've seen her cry, when I was very young, and it changed me, not in a bad way. My mom has huge resentments yet calls me "little sue", as in, she compares me to my grandma often, and I've gotten similar trwatment. My mom has chilled out a lot about her treatment of me since I moved out though.

Anyway, the point is, I feel that growing up with my mom whispering in my ear that grandma is a miserable woman, dramatic, always complaining, shaped me before I was able to take a step back and reason with those comments fairly. So while my grandma was growing more ill and weak in her last few years, my mom would make comments like "she's being so dramatic, talking about how she's going to die" well yeah. She is. And everyone is acting annoyed by her. Everyone is leaving her to cry instead of listening to her. Well it isn't easy to be there for somebody in that situation, I know.

But one thing my grandma taught me from a. VERY early age. Respect your elders. Respect your grandparents. And she told me that her own grandparents taught her that when she was very young.

I regret not listening to her and sort of gravitating toward whatever it was my mom said to me. But really, I never believed my grandma was being dramatic. I JUST COULDNT comprehend her suffering. Now I do. Now I understand. It was like blank space to me, and I would just avoid it. I never should have avoided it. Her final days, I was there about a month before she passed. Usually a month before old folks will still be lucid. God, she was in so much pain, crying out, still even on very strong opiates. In contrast, my maternal grandma was smiling and talking to me two days before her passing, similar situations and ailments between the two of them.

But lately I have been thinking about it so much. She moved to Michigan toward the end so my aunt could help her. She was living with us a year prior and that's when my mom was just a mess. I can't blame my mom too much, but I know it was wrong. I'm remembering all the YouTube links she was posting on my wall that I wouldn't always watch. Remembering her making a photo of me her profile picture before her last fall. And when she passed, it was her profile picture. My aunt went on and changed it back to a photo of her which I appreciate. It was hard seeing that. And she loved me so much. When I came to see her, she said "Maddie oh Maddie ..." And started to cry. After that, she did not recognize me or interact with me ever again. What I would do to hold her. Why didn't I embrace her and hold her in that moment? Why did I step back and watch? I am sickened by it. I regret it so much

[hauntedotherworld]

i cant take it anymore. its too painful and i have nothing but suffering thats all i feel and its always been hopeless

i have NOTHING, no one at all to live for .. the one i lost i dont even .. i dont even know if i want her back, although i know we will never meet or talk ever agaib. its already been years. its hard when the person is your fp or.. ex fp.. the feelings that are overwhelming stay but at the same time i have so much anger and despair for what she did. i wish it never happened i had no control over it and i hate it, i HATE HER . SHES THE WORST and never cared like i did, even though we had such a strong bond.. to her it was normal friendship which by the end disapeared.. not for me. because my fucking fucked up head isnt like everyone elses and so im left all alome all i have is suffering, nothing will ever be good enough anymore. i doubt i could even feel that ever again.. i hate her too. i wish i never met her, because otherwise atleast i couldve not known what that felt like. to have an fp. someone who is the entire world for me and i couldnt do shit about it . all i can think of is memories and mourn it . but i also hate her and in one way do not care or wish to EVER meet her again- which again will never happen anyway.. i just feel so fucking empty and have forever but it gets worse the older i get. i cant feel ANYTHING FOR LIFE let alone others now. im living for no reason at all. every part of the day is just empty, void depression and deep bored and loneliness. nothing and no one can fill that anymire either, i knew that when i had gone to college (for a few months until i dropped out and left those great friends id made) because it didnt make me feel ok and i couldnt handle it , i left as always. so i never have anybody. and when i try and form a conmection with stra gers , just to feel sometthing - i feel absolutely nothing at all . nothing now. all i do id hate myself and stuck in my head.

i never want a family i dont care about love anymore or anything and all i feel is that deep empty, despairing feeling and its unBEARABLE .. every fucking day. all i can do is repeat that in my mind and breakdown because what else am i able to do except die? but aside from my anxiety about that, even dying doesnt sound good anymore.. because what will happen? i feel i wont go to heaven because i quit church because of the horrible _thing there. i dont really care abput anything.. except my dog but that isnt enough to make me able to get through when everythings missing and IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, BPD, AND MAJOR DEPRESSION WITH ANXIETY AND OTHER SHIT THAT RUINED EVERYTHING. ive tried SO hard. so fuckinh hard everyday its torture it always has been but its gotten worse to the point i can hardly think i just feel like an empty shell and the pain is like nothing else. i dont know whatll happen if i die, but whatever happens it should be better than this.. if not, i cant escape it itll come on its own if i dont. so i should just do it. no one cares anyway and i dont either

im just so heartbroken and what i fucking had to be and what my life hd to be. its not fair and nobody except others like me know what this is like.

i cant do it guys its harder and harder and i cant carry on i swear to god

[beannary]

hi idk if you were serious or not abt asking you abt evolution but i would love to learn more abt evolution if u want to talk abt it !! :]

I was being so serious!!! This has just taken me so long to answer because I couldnt figure out what part of evolution I wanted to talk about as if this is the only time id ever be able to talk about evolution on this blog askldjhfkalsjhdf

I've been thinking a lot lately about the grandmother hypothesis, which is the hypothesis for why female primate life expectancy is longer than the period in which the female is reproductively active for. (also wait i cant remember if this hypothesis applies to other animals as well or if it only applies to primates? ive really only studied both human and non-human primates so im a little bit clueless when it comes to evolution of other animals)

Like ok so hold on let me back up

So any biological organism has a life goal, and that is to reproduce as much as possible to make as many offspring as possible to ensure that your genes are being passed on to next generations. So when talking about evolution, an organism basically wants to have the best genes that allow it to survive long enough to reproduce, as well as reproduce as much as possible, and to ensure that their offspring reach reproductive age.

Now there are many different strategies to reach these goals, but for female animals that have low reproductive frequencies they have to expend a lot of energy in order to ensure that their offspring reach reproductive age. And when i say low reproductive frequency i mean like ok take humans for example, like you have a single baby and that takes nine full months, in that time the mother has to expend a lot of energy in order to grow the fetus, and then once the baby has been born, the mother then has to expend 18 years of energy raising the child till its an adult. Of course in humans this is different because like we dont live just to reproduce but thats what i mean with like female animals having to use up a lot of energy in order to pass on their own genes.

So basically, if a female animal's life goal is to reproduce as much as possible then why would they continue to live once they are no longer fertile? Basically the grandmother hypothesis is that females live longer than they are fertile for in order to help their own daughters raise their young.

It's super common at least in primates AGAIN CANNOT EMPHASIZE HOW MUCH ALL MY INFORMATION IS PRIMATOCENTRIC I HAVE A BACKGROUND IN ANTHROPOLOGY AND PRIMATOLOGY NOT ANY OTHER SORT OF BIOLOGY but its super common for first time primate mothers to lose their first few infants, and by lose i mean the infants will die because the mother is inexperienced. And that loss of life is like SUPER costly to the mother because she just spent x amount of time growing that baby and during that time she missed out on being able to reproduce so now not only is she back to square one but she essentially just wasted all that energy. BUT that mother that just lost an infant? well she has a mother, and that mother who is now a grandmother has tones of experience raising infants and is less likely to have an infant die on her. So the grandmother hypothesis is basically that females live past reproductive age in order to help their own daughters raise infants, which helps the grandmother ensure her own genes are being carried on for more generations by making sure her daughter is reproductively successful.

there are a lot of other really neat examples of like this sort of mothering? where like females with infants rely on the help of other females to raise their children. i just think its neat :)

[magnoliamyrrh]

tw csa shit but. i think. part of the reason why despite my exhaustion w everything i still. want to spend my life trying to make things a bit better instead of fucking off and becoming a hermit like i want to is because. i grew up being told by most of my family one day i would have a daughter, one day i would have children. and as a girl who absolutely dispised being a girl, the thought of giving birth to a girl-child just to watch her go through the same shit that i went through drove me absolutely insane. and on top of that, my father had this whole thing abt how one day wed get married or some shit and id have a daughter and, clearly, she was to be next in line for the torture i was put though.. which. terrified me. and "thankfully" i was too young to get pregnant but i didnt rly understand that so uh. there was a lot of anxiety in my childhood abt potentially being pregnant w said girl child...... so i think. in a way i developed this whole complex abt it. a year ago i couldnt even talk abt the idea of pregnancy without feeling like i was losing my mind, shutting down completely and having a panic attack at the thought of bringing a girl into this world,,,,, . so. idk. i basically cant have bio children anyway and i wouldn't want to anyway, but that deep feeling of responsability and horror doesnt go away. i look at young children and young girls in particular and my instinctual reaction is that i would die to protect them...... idk. i just. some combination of never wanting a child to go through what i went through again and the idea that i dont want to continue the endless cycle of women and mothers and grandmothers not protecting girls and infact inflicting patriarchal violence on girls. i dont want to pretend that its not happening because thats never solved anything and i dont want to ever put any damn male ever in my life above protecting the wellbeing of vulnerable girls and women and i dont. want to put myself above that either

[goremet-chef]

mannnn me and my friend. teehee

we play games together all the time and we're doing minecraft rn and idk i FEEL like its too sappy to tell her "hey i like how we are" okay like i can tell itd be hard to phrase that in a way that she wouldnt be like ".. thanks?? " OKAY SHE DOESNT MEAN IT we just. IDK how to explain it. so ill just talk about it here 😁😁

we just flow really well together, she can entertain herself mostly and i can be there and we bully the shit out of eachother and god its so fun its genuinely. i told her i was planning to tunnel into her walls but secretly, so she didnt hear it from me and she went "what?im not paying attention to you" i feel like. to other people that would sound bad but i just teeheed so hard man like . QUIETLY THATS WHY IM WRITING THIS we're still in vc but man

its really hard for me to be comfortable in vc with anyone, even if i really want to, but me and her? we just fit man. ive known her for like. 8 years at this point?? maybe a little less but either way. shes the only one of my friends that i can be alone with in vc comfortably as of right now, like IDK i never expected this but im not complaining. like even my friend ive known for 11 YEARS, i love them to bits id do anything for them, but the reality is that we are just AWKWARD PEOPLE and awkward people are sillay when they talk okay its the same with my other friend like we are just very awkward by nature so our awkwardness duplicates when we're alone, to the point where its like. he thinks its awkward and it is but its so awkward that its fucking hilarious i think its so funny man

love my friends with all my heart but something about me and her? like WE'RE SO GOOOOD we werent even that close when we first met? like she was my friends friend and became my friend by proximity but now we're tight bro we get drunk together we get high together i love that for us. i couldnt have guessed it would go this way, but thats the beauty of life 🥳 chaotic and unruly, i wouldnt have it any other way.

she comes home and tells me all her work drama and then we just pick on eachother for several hours and its so funny to me every time i dont care how many times we say the same things its always funny im always gonna make myself laugh when im mean for no reason and ill always laugh when shes mean back like IDK thats just our friendship and we like it that way its great

also shes been just like? IDK we are all queers (except one of us hes our token cishet i guess) she doesnt even remember my deadname anymore despite knowing me by that for most the time we've known eachother its great. and honestly? this is kind of embarrassing to admit but sometimes when shes making fun of me for being dumb she says 'sillay boy' in a little tune and when i get really stressed out i call myself that in my head to calm me down a bit like. NOTHING ID EVER TELL HER but we know we love eachother teehee. IDK i feel like i just express a lot of gratitude towards my other friends but not much to her, probably cuz we talk so much it just feels agiven like i cannot stand her she sucks thats why shes my bestie 😁😁

like MAN idk theres so much shit i could talk about. we fight and i propose to her in lethal company with the ring and then shes mad at me and divorced cuz i sold our ring to meet quota like. STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT. this is gonna sound weird but i just like being bullied????? like ill always throw it back is the thing we work great cuz its never one sided its a mutual thing. if i go first she say 'shut up dominic' and im like NO fuck you like . to an outsider we do not like eachother but i promise we do its making me like. GIDDY RN i love thinking about it. she just made fun of me for being on tumblr instead of building my GAZEBO but im talking about you dumbass!!!! (she doesnt have a tumblr so. what does it matter SKFJS)

i dont know its so fun for me, im just surprised that like. someone i initially didnt know all that well is now my ride or die and we fit SO GOOD like i genuinely couldve never expected it back in middle school but im glad we are the way that we are. love talking to her, love making fun of her, love when she calls me stupid and WHATEVER ELSE like god its so funny. love ignoring her and harassing children in roblox with her like we have such a good time no matter what

shes one of the very few people i can like. just get in a call with for no reason, like if she has drama to tell me and we arent really doing anything else ill still join for what i think is like 10 minutes and leave 2 hours later 💀 love leaving her too shes so dramatic she knows by the tone in my voice when i say her name that im gonna leave call and shes always like no dont do this to me gurl bye!!!!!i got better shit to do!!!!!!! (lie) love to betray her also she sucks

i remember she invited me down (like an hour drive) to watch mario movie and she took me out to olive garden and i CRIEDD it was the first time i went to olive garden and it was so good and she laughed at me. that high is like. I DONT KNOW i feel like im explaining it POORLY its just so silly to me, its so fucking funny

grining right now. im not even tired weve been playing for hours and im not tired at all. love bothering her she deserves it. like would i lay down my life for her? yes absolutely. would i also insult her randomly while shes not doing anything? yes absolutely. i guess its cuz i know she can take it, thats why she does the same to me. idk its just how we're comfortable, we like it this way!!!! hhehehheehee

this is far too sappy to share with her but we love to hate eachother so i think im doin a pretty good job

[baelmoder]

it really is a godsend that nobody is here

i've always felt like i lived in a shadow, maybe of some building that nobody else could really see, despite all of them living within it. now i think that building is god, but it is a dead and uncaring god, or it is asleep, and i dont want to awaken it. everything is sunlight, and god is the sun, and sunlight burns me because i am unfit for it. who knows what kind of unholy bullshit is going to come out of that building when i tickle its belly the residents already hate me lets shelf that for a second lol

i left twitter, let's say, more than two years ago. i was on it for a few years? and before that i was basically never actually on social media. there were a few moments where i /tried/ to enter some community or another? like i joined a souncloud mashup server once (the atrium), and i briefly entered a discord for an anime essay channel, but i left and i got kicked out because i was saying ass backwards reactionary logic shit. so the biggest thing i ever did was Be Kae Dotmoe, and what that meant was, plunging blindly into anitwitter, orbiting around the plasuible deniability right wing podcaster losers like Polyphemus, until I found kayfaraday, resident extremely weird christian chiptune artist who at least creatively had the same affect as me, of the sort of nonsensical schizophrenia on which postmodernist ficiton thrives and upon which fascism subsists. nazism, like, relies on genocide to build the pyramids, and relies on people like me to put aliens in its thrusters.

and then i met good people. i met a bunch of lesbian lolicons is the insulting thing to call them. i like women, and i am a girl, and i hate the world of adults so id like to think we were cut from the same cloth? but maybe because i still have something i havent gotten diagnosed, which i doubt because ive met therians, ive met littles, ive met people with adhd and bpd and clinical schizophrenia, people who are plural and shit. but i havent met people like me. they couldnt put up with it. i hurt them a lot. so i had to leave. also i got bored of the nazis when they started being predictable, and also, like, obviously evil and wanting me dead i guess but who doesnt right.

So i left, not for Drama and not for Discourse, but because, like much of my life, i felt like i wasnt welcome and i wasnt making much of it. also? I just couldnt handle it anymore. i grew incredibly jealous, it made me feel physically sick to see people happy. to be themselves, to be with the people they loved. to do things that expressed this happiness about themselves and others, and the things they shared. i lived more than an ocean away. it felt like i never had a chance, and that feeling overwhelmed me. i've always been living under the ocean, but i guess the submarine depressurised? i dont know. im still alive anyway, im here, but its so quiet now. anyway, i was also getting really paranoid, on one hand nobody talked about me so i was going to die alone and never get to be kae, on the other hand the few people who did were surely badmouthing me in places i wasnt invited to. they let me hang around but i was never invited to the parties. i know of this metaphor because i read it in american stories about school children and stuff. i dont relate to it personally because when i was in school i didnt even "get to hand around". the only two people i talked to was a kid with aspergers and a furry. we talked about ytp and mlp. well, the point is, they dont talk to me anymore anyway. i randomly came out to a schoolmate i knew from back then? i helped her out a few times? I printed her musical score, she was in chinese orchestra. i asked for a favour in return, that being a hug. i didnt love her or anything, i just really needed it? and in all that time twitter is basically over anyway. tumblrs still alive, but like. im not Doing A Thing. Im never going to Do A Thing again. im "over it".

i guess what im really getting to, though, is, im trying to figure out what I /Am/ or what Im /For/. like, what is this machine or tool or toy built for. Me and keffie clicked, we hella schizoposted? I wasnt putting it on. i know the nazis are completely disingenous but theres a trace of genuine fun behind all the larping, costumes is fun. but i wasnt even slightly cynical, i was really just.. fully sincerely and desperately myself, all the time. i cant help but be myself, even if myself never works. so like Im SOMETHING, that nervous energy and constant bullshit and rambling sentences and trying to link concepts. and yea? I figured out im a girl? Im like, another one of the million trans girls with a mommy kink who identifies with being a puppy but who still likes cock or whatever. im not denying that im not special, i dont hate to be one of many. but also im a failure, even around these people. i cant live up to them, even if theyre nothing to honour. they hate me, because im marked by something i cant even see. So like, what is that

Why, even when i found an ensemble cast, do i never succeed in contributing to the narrative? to canon or episodic structure? Im like an npc, im a wandering trader,the comic relief, except not very well liked anyway. im like if the doctor told me to see the master clown pagliacci but i was jared leto. i dont fit here. i didnt feel right, when i was in the army. i dont feel right when im working right now, in a medical lab. i couldnt fit in with the girls even when they were closer to me than any other group of people i could classify.

so, really, i think im starting to get sympathetic to machines, to ai. i briefly edated a schizotypal adhd trans girl (lol hi vicky) and she was talking about like, uhhhh, D&G and like, machines. I didnt like Machine because machine + autism to me always sounded very teleological, very speicfically western philosophy and consequently Science as we know it, the modern material physical consensus reality thingamagic with dialectical monism. but im getting it now maybe

Im not built, for being around people, or relevant. I was born, to be put in a plastic box, in the middle of nowhere, with holes on all sides, where, among a nest of scaffolding structures, unlimited paper, plush toys and string, i develop weapons of mass destruction in magic systems that have never existed and will never come to exist. and every once in a while, id be let out, for a walk, or for a treat, and to remember long lost friends, who spin in axes i cannot comprehend in a magic system i cannot understand

[boypussydilf]

for the headcanons ask game tell me about. kururu. curry creature. and also obligatory dororo

CURRY CREATURE SEND IT TO HELL ohgod this is my first time answering an ask game on desktop it feels Weird. different formatting. unsettling.

gender & sexuality hc: im consolidating these into 1 bc the answer to both is Whatever's Funny. "sergeant major i see that for gender youve just written down... 'the bit'. care to elaborate on that" "no"

A ship I have with said character: there are a total of 2 kururu ships i would say that i ship and theyre both just bc "i think it would be really really funny". kurugiro (giroro fucking hates kururu so much. in the anime kururu is either Genuinely Into giroro or just thinks its really funny to fuck with him by acting like he is, its unclear. whatever it is i think its funny. to be honest.) and kuruaki (*kururu voice* i fucked your mom shit lips)

A BROTP I have with said character: KURURU AND SABURO/MUTSUMI BESTIES FOREVER. THEYRESO!!!! Evreyone watch Keroro Gunso Episode 229. i just think theyre neat they dont really interact much bc saburo doesnt... show up? very much? and also theyre both Loner Types they dont do a lot of Hanging Out. but theyre literal #besties and they would be even if they WERENT also kind of each others only friends. they Get each other. its fun.

A NOTP I have with said character: uhh. man i dont know. like, i guess kurumois since shes Most Likely supposed to be a teenager. can i say kurugiro again bc its funny

A random headcanon: *BLINK* I DONT KNOW... I MISS HAVING TONS OF RANDOM HEADCNONS ABOUT CHARACTERS I FEEL LIKE I USED TO DO IT MORE. i think those 2 background kids we see hanging out with him like one time as a child are his siblings but thats a standard opinion. i think kururuko exists bc shes kururus ideal gender presentation for real. or at least some of it. whats the point of being a super powerful hacker if youre not a trans girl

General opinion over said Character: kururu my friend kururu. i really like him actually. hashtag Deeper Than He Seems. guy whos literally just here to fuck around, do whats funny, and have a good time. theyre GREAT. we need MORE kururu.

DORORO TIME under a cut so this post doesnt get long, if uh. if i know how to do readmores on desktop

THERE IT IS! please dont break

readmores always break for me but i dont know if theyll do it on desktop too. i gotta put a couple lines so it doesnt delete anything.

dororo id die for him

Sexuality Headcanon: THIS FROG IS GAY

Gender Headcanon: listen to me dororo is a trans guy and i mean earth kind of guy. i mean he explains it to the others by going "you know, like fuyuki". i mean binary by human standards nonbinary by keronian standards. i mean wouldnt it be really fucking funny if you knew you were trans (as a kid he went to garuru for advice on transgenderism bc garuru is also trans but thats lore-from-my-brain for another day) but for your entire life couldnt really place any definition that sounds right and then you go to an entire different planet and hang out with people there and go ok. question. your genders. can i have one

A ship I have with said character: GIRODORO. [starts shaking like a leaf]

A BROTP I have with said character: DORORO AND KOYUKI AUTISM FATHER DAUGHTER DUO FOREVER. THEYRE SO!!!!!!!!!!!! i said "theyre so" about saburo and kururu too didnt i. theyre just all so. literally all of their interactions are so sweet!!! and adorable!!!! hes so protective of her!! and nice!! shes the only person who never Forgets He Even Exists. theyr eiguuguguuagagagauauagagh. shout out to the end of the koyunatsu first date episode when hes like "dont worry koyuki i stayed home the entire time like you asked" amd also shout out to every other time hes her nice dad.

A NOTP I have with said character: kerodoro. no offense but that would not work ever. you get it.

A random headcanon: this is more theory ground than headcanon, tbh, on account of i am drawing from canon evidence. i think he is on good terms with his little brother. ok look heres how it is. we know dororo has a little brother but we know next to nothing about that brother or their relationship. one of the things we DO know is one of the many things-belonging-to-dororo that keroro broke as a kid and never told him about, dororo blamed on his little brother and was really pissed at him about it. yeah this happened when he was like, nine, but hes dororo hes. well he is consistently not even remotely a person who moves on from things just bc they were kids. besides when he confronts keroro about That Particular Shit-Getting-Broken Incident he specifically brings up how he got mad at his brother & his mom like it was A Big Deal With A Lasting Effect. BUT in ep 183 he sees giroro & garuru interacting and is just like yay! its nice to have brothers isnt it! and reasonably hes just at Cameo levels of appearing in that episode so its not like hed be doing much or getting much dialogue anyway but still, hes dororo, if he was still actively broken up about anything to do with his brother hed have more to say than just Brothers are good! So with my expert detective skills I have come to the conclusion that Dororo had some Not Insubstantial issues with his brother but its all good now. hi this is so long <3 im normal <3 mine yoshizaki PLEASE for the love of GOD drop the dororos little brother lore id do ANYTHING. WHATS HE LIKE. SHOW THEM INTERACTING JUST ONCE. OR TWICE. OR MORE THAN THAT

General opinion over said Character: dororo the ORIGINAL Favorite Character. id die for him. id kill myself for him. but he would not want that. i treasure the seaside wedding we had when i was 9. i want him to go to therapy. i want to throw him off a cliff. i need to psychoanalyze this frog. dude is my bestie. words cannot fucking express it. dororo for the love of god dororo. think of him and be enlightened. dies

[penguin--person]

🎨, 💌, 💎, 🚦 oooo woe bunch of emoji questions at u because im the curiosuer

i kept my prommy that id forget to answer any asks 🫡

🎨 If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see? i would die no matter what 🙏my friend once drew fanart of my fic 'just for today' and awoughhhh its on my mind FOREVER!!!! but umm um . divergence, maybe? i think that could be cool:)!! 'the world is smiling on me' would be awesome too i think, its an rw fic from the pov of a batfly that gets eaten by hunter long legs. i think it could get sick and twisted. same with 'perfect dish' i think someone should draw hunter eating a slugpup or smth idk i never read my fics

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write? its not rlly a trope but i enjoy writing gore !! i like writing pain and angst and agony etc... i like exploring canon divergence, but i dont write fics for that that often

💎 Do you often write about a relationship or focus on an individual? what is an individual made of if not their relationships with others..!!! i cant rlly answer this.. i rlly enjoy writing character studies where nothing at all happens. the character just angsts about. but, usually theyre angsting about their relationships with other people, yknow? like, in 101 epitaphs, sanyas the primary focus of the fic, but so is her relationship with yura. in an unpublished writing where i explore my oc nastyas sick and twisted mind, shes just sitting in her bed thinking about stuff, but the main focus is her relationship - or, her view of - another character. eughhh im yapping !!!! but like, yeah . idk . i couldnt seperate the two if you held a gun to my head

🚦What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.? ambigous 🙏🙏🙏i Hate deciding things i Hate having to be the one to give the story an ending ... an ambigous ending isnt 'an easy way out', like, no way, but for me its easier, i guess? like, at the end of 'i wish i never met you' the ending is clear, but its not clear whether nastyas gonna come back or not ! at the end of 101 epitaphs, its clear that nothing more is gonna come out of yuras death, but, whats sanya gonna do? mope about? idkkk . i dont know my writing . ive never written a word in my life this is my first time using my keyboard hi hello good morning

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

ok before i forget and the episode comes out im gonna just write down 4 my own sake what i think is gonna happen on tonights owl house episode (well technically tonights but i think id rather think abt it as tmrws bc it comes out at like 3am so ill watch it in the morning).

anyways most likely it begins like exactly where we left off anddd the collectors new game is this like dream sequence type shit w im assuming either like fucking idk. luzs biggest fears or how the collector views luz. or like both ? idk. but like her biggest fears bc i mean she sees herself as literally as bad as belos so thats im guessing like everyone else also thinks the her being in his clothes type shit. and then also that one scene with her friends all in like their old clothes kinda echoing that one season 1 ep 2 scene. im guessing the reason theyre in each of those clothes is bccc errr. well theyre not from the same time that much is clear.  id like to say theyre from the worst times of their life or whatever but that doesnt make sense 4 gus bc grom wasnt like. bad 4 him ? unless theyre all being forced into kinda roles like luz is too ? but that seems like it only rlly makes sense 4 amity n hunter bc hunters in his golden guard uniform n amitys just in her. Default Boiling Isle clothes ig ? which i GUESS could be like when she was around her mum ??? but then why not go full out and give her the green hair again ???? im just confused abt that part honestly unless it was to do w just significant parts of luzs life but then again why the fuck is gus in his grom outfit. anyways im obsessing 2 much over that one scene. er. ok um. anyways luz does this whole dream sequence thing for someee reason anddd. well belos n raine have their like fight im guessing. maybe bc likeeee idk eda does smth and we get some raeda angst maybe ??? and then bla bla belos possesses the titan oopsie doopsie. wait. wait ni that wouldnt rlly make sense. bc like the titans kinda fucked up. and we saw he couldnt possess grimwalker corpses anymore bc they were all fucked up n rotted. and the titan is likeeee loadsssss older than caleb so that wouldnt make sense. unless its like he can possess the body but cant move it much rlly beyond like environmental horror. like a humphrey omori type deal. except big humphrey is dead. and bones. and fucking hates air conditioning. and is a puritan. anyways errr yeah and thennnn eda n king becomee fuckinnn rabid n shit. king looks much bigger in that one scene tho so maybe he like becomes So Rabid he gets all titany n shit or whatever idfk. errrr. idk what like the hexquad n co would do. bc theres no way toh team would have time to give them all their own dream sequence stuff. and it wouldnt make sense bc the collector only rlly has it out for luz bc hes jealous of her for being besties w king. so like. idk. maybe they just like vibe. or hhave a big heart 2 heart moment. errrr. kindaaa hoping honestly that huntlow doesnt get a big like wow rainbows hearts scene like lumity did because having their sorta quiet understanding of mutual feelings feels more fitting for them yknow. but i wouldnt complain if they got smth big n obvious i just think itd be more fitting if they got smth sorta quiet and subtle. errr and thennnnn err fuckinnn. everyone comes together to save the day and kill belos and let that old man fuckin die already. and thennnn luz decides like fuck it we got a portal who says u cant live in 2 realms at once eda did it why the fuck wont u copy her. anddd they all lived happily ever after the end. oh andddd eda n camila meet n they do NOT have a mum fight because they both LOVE each othe because they both love LUZ and they are both GRATEFUL that the other took CARE of her and the end. oh and hooty becomes door again. the end part 2. and then disney blows up and everyone cheers and the end part 3.

[violetnotez]

Hiiiiiii! Can I have a request where Midoriya’s s/o makes a promise to him that they will protect them with their life?

“God, this part always made me so upset,”

you snuggled closer into his shoulder, grip tightening on his sleeve as you watched the woman on screen let go of her lover to the ocean, the melancholy music playing like the main theme like a funeral progression as the camera captured the beart wrenching moment.

Midoriya chuckled, looking down at your pouted face as you watched the scene of Titanic unfold, your expression obviously unhappy with the events taking place in the story.

“And why’s that?” He asked, almost sheepishly, timid voice ringing out with curiosity as he smoothed the hair away from your face with his scarred palm.

He felt you take a deeper breath, your chest deeply pressed into his for a second or two. “I could never do that,” you stated, your voice muffled from being curled into his tshirt, “just leave somebody I love like that to die. It’s kinda messed up when you think about it.”

“Well, she didn’t really have much choice, the door only couil fit one person-“

You shuffled on top of him, propping your head up with a playful huff. “It could have totally fit him on too!”

Midoriya chuckled, finding it kind of funny how adamant you were about this fictional scenario. Apart of him agreed with you, that the protagonist maybe could have tried a little harder to save her lover....but apart of him felt sympathy for her.

Many times he’s been in near death experiences, the sole task of saving people in need left on his shoulders. He couldn’t count how many times he stayed up at night, rethinking his approach to those situations in order to do better the next time around, beating himself up when situations ended up worse than he thought.

He knew what it felt like to be those situations, where the line between life and death was only but a single fragile thread, one wrong move snapping the boundary Indeifnitley, and not knowing what the right move was until moments after when everything was said and done.

Did this character regret her decision? Did she wish she saved her lover, not listening to him and joining him in death as well?

Midoriya shook his head of the morbid thoughts, coming back to reality when he heard a man yelling from the TV.

Izuku looked back down at you, grabbing your hand instinctively, finding a certain solace with touching you, grounding himself back into reality.

Midoriya was prone to going on tangents internally, his mind an Icarus of itself. He would fly through his thoughts, each other more detailed than the last, until it ran him into a barrier like the sun, suffocating his sanity.

But with you, you were his saving grace....an angel to gently pull him back to Earth, unknowingly keeping him from being engulfed by his own self.

His thumb squeezed yours gently, smiling as the familiarity of your face made him feel at ease in the present. The man on the screen was still yelling, presumably looking for any survivors as your brows knitted in sadness, hands pressed deeper into Midorya’ chest.

“What would you have done?” He suddenly asked, his thumb grazing the skin of your outer hand.

“Like-if it was you and me?”

He felt you tilt your head, gaining a peck to see his facial reaction. Izuku gulped, feeling a familiar heat raise to his cheeks knowing you were curious by his question-did you find it wierd he was asking such a sad question? Was it a bit morbid for a home date to ask? You had been together for a while...was it okay to ask that?

You felt your voice call out his name, the sound sweet and dreamlike against his ear as he awoke yet again from his internal tangent, shaking himself from the thoughts.

He sent you an apologetic grin, green eyes wide and cheeks glowing a dusty pink.

“I-I guess you could say that,” he said sheepishly, hoping the question didn’t bother you too much with its dark undertone.

He felt you hum against him, your smaller chest sending a vibration down his spine as you thought about his question.

“Well...” you sighed, your eyes shifting upward to look at him “I would obviously try to make you go on with me.”

“And what if it didn’t fit us both?”

I’d make it fit us both,” you said triumphantly, shuffling to prop yourself up in your palms, showcasing a proud grin.

Izuku chuckled at your antics, scarred digits moving to your hips, encasing you on his lap. It was so comfortable like this, so domestic...you really were like a dream, so stubborn yet so sweet in all the right ways.

Deku bite his bottom lip, emerald eyes looking down.

“And what if that didn’t work?”

You tilted your head, leaning down slightly to look at Izuku’s expression. Your grin was on your face, that pride still plastered on your expression.

“I’d force you on it.”

You said it so effortlessly, as if it was so normal and nonchalant. But to Izuku, this was major-you practically said you would-well, die for him-how could you be that.....devoted?

It wasn’t as if Izuku wouldn’t do the same-hell, he’d willingly give his life over yours if it came to it, no question about it...but hearing it from you-well it worried him as well as filled him with a strange sort of gratefulness.

“Force me?” He stuttered out, eyes wide with confusion. “But I-I wouldn’t, I couldn’t let you do that-“

“Cmon ‘Zuku, lets be real here-“ you pursed your lips, your expression more serious than before. “you’re a pro hero. Your life is way more valuable than me.”

“T-that’s not true, all life is valuable, especially yours! I couldnt live with myself if you-“

“You lived without me once-you could live without me again.”

Izuku sucked in a harsh breath, his chest brushing against your yours for a split second. He didn’t expect that from you...such a blatant lack of your own concern for your life. How could you be so willing to lay everything down for him? Of course, you were only saying this, and actions speak louder than words as they say...but the way you were looking at him confirmed what you were saying. Your eyes were knitted, irises dark and full of harsh honesty. It terrfied him, filled him with a pool of icy worry in his stomach.

“I couldn’t.”

He breathed out, digits squeezing your skin, almost as if to confirm you were still there with him, heart beginning to beat like a steady drum in his chest.

“Izuku, your life, no matter how you look at it, is much more valuable.”

You explained, your lips curving into a sweet smile. “You save lives, and you’re pretty damn good at it-Id protect you with my life, because you’d help way more people than I could ever in one life time.”

“T-that’s....no, I-“

You laughed at his obvious flustered look, loving how adorable he was with his cheeks like red licorice, freckles dusted like specks of choclate, sweet and enticing to devour.

You pressed a chaste kiss on his heated cheek, nose grazing his skin, warmth radiating off of him. You giggled at how much he reacted to that one small gesture, his nose taking in a sharp inhale of breath and muscles of his legs tightening under you.

“Just be grateful I wouldn’t toss you into the ocean.” You said mischievously, eyes creased with amusement.

“T-thanks....I guess...”

You smiled, feeling guilty as well as proud that you had the power to turn such a strong person’s mind into much with just a few actions. You decided to give the poor guy a break, finding your spot against his chest yet again. You snuggled back into him, relishing in the smell of his shirt that was so familiar at this point.

“Ya know...I-I...I really-love you,” you heard Izuku stutter out the words, voice so timid it made your heart tug with adoration, “and Id do the same for you. In a heart beat.”

In A heart beat.

It echoed in your head like a mantra, that honey sweet word circulating your body, warming up every corner of your insides.

You yawned quietly, the feeling so refreshing and calming as you snuggled deeper into him, relaxing your body as your lids fluttered down.

“In a heart beat...” you repeated back, feeling as if the simple phrase was perfect to say, the sensation of Izuku’s strong heart beat a reminder of that promise.

[b0nywh0res]

hi!! so since im not active 24/7 anymore i feel like u missed a lot so little update!!

i lost most of my friends. ive had so many depressive episodes and then weird episodes where i would hate them and want them to die. so ig it makes sense but also they know that i have these episodes but wtv not everyone can handle that and i respect that. they didnt have to be such bitches abt it tho. i got them muffins as apology bc i rlly cant control those episodes and they fucking rolled their eyes at me. girl. ur acting as if ur not fucking toxic urself. at least own it omg.

L and i got sooo close irl. shes been way more touchy w me which i rlly appreciate bc its so comforting and makes me feel so much more loved than just words.

and uhm. today was the worst day of my life. i had a panic attack during english class so i left and decided to skip the next period which is allowed if ur in a bad mental state. i told a teacher and he was like okay fine but for some reason the secretary still called my mom? she was so mad bc she doesnt believe in mental illnesses and all that yk so i was too scared to go home. i told my homeroom teacher and she said that there was obv a bigger underlying issue that was causing this. i basically started sobbing and she was so kind to me and hugged me. she even started crying w me oml.

she said that one of the teachers saw me looking at pro-ana sites in class(probably tumblr i hate yall LMAO) and they told her. she wouldnt tell me who it was. if i find out who snitched i will hshdhsjdh. i fr cant let anyone know abt my ed but god i was so close to telling her everything.

she said that i dont have any adults in my life who i can rely on and that i carry way too much for a teenager. shes getting me a school therapists and tbh i dont think itll help much bc ive had a few before but shes so nice to me so ill try. idk if im ready to talk abt my ed yet but i def want to do smth abt my mood swings and everything that comes w it. its so tiring.

she couldnt rlly do anything abt my moms anger so she told me that it was just one day and that i could get through it and i would speak w her again tmr. heating her say that was a real relief ngl. my mom hasnt ever been this mad(except for that one time 3 years ago when she wouldnt allow me anywhere but the attic for 3 weeks) and its rlly scary. home situation isnt great and school isnt either but god id do anything to be at school rn.

all in all life still sucks, i love L and now im starting school therapy. woohoo.