#IDK if anyone else is interested in this but in case anyone finds it useful <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[takemeinyrarmy]

BoyBoy book club⭑.ᐟ

These books have either been mentioned or recommended by the boys, list made to the best of my memory, some notes added for context + little abstract. [(A.) = Aleksa's rec; (L.) = Lucas' rec; (Al.) = Alex's rec] Reply or reblog to add more to update the list thanks! 

⊹ Caliban and the Witch: Women, the Body and Primitive Accumulation - Silvia Federici  (A.) [Aleksa's commentary: Also 'Caliban and the Witch' by Silvia Federicci is brilliant. It's a great marxist-feminist retelling of the European witch-hunts, it's really really cool. It completely flipped my view of the birth of capitalism... She posits that capitalism is a reaction to a potential peasant revolution in Europe that never succeeded, and situates the witch-hunt as a tool of the capitalist class to break peasant social-ties and discipline women into their new role as reproducers of workers.] || Is a history of the body in the transition to capitalism. Moving from the peasant revolts of the late Middle Ages to the witch-hunts and the rise of mechanical philosophy, Federici investigates the capitalist rationalization of social reproduction. She shows how the battle against the rebel body and the conflict between body and mind are essential conditions for the development of labor power and self-ownership, two central principles of modern social organization.

⊹ The Age of Surveillance Capitalism - Shoshana Zuboff  (A.) || This book looks at the development of digital companies like Google and Amazon, and suggests that their business models represent a new form of capitalist accumulation that she calls "surveillance capitalism". While industrial capitalism exploited and controlled nature with devastating consequences, surveillance capitalism exploits and controls human nature with a totalitarian order as the endpoint of the development.

⊹ Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia -  Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari (L.) || In this book , Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari set forth the following theory: Western society's innate herd instinct has allowed the government, the media, and even the principles of economics to take advantage of each person's unwillingness to be cut off from the group. What's more, those who suffer from mental disorders may not be insane, but could be individuals in the purest sense, because they are by nature isolated from society.

⊹ Open Veins of Latin America - Eduardo Galeano (A.) (Intro to LATAM history, infuriating but good.) (Personal recommendation if you know nothing about LATAM.) || An analysis of the impact that European settlement, imperialism, and slavery have had in Latin America. In the book, Galeano analyzes the history of the Americas as a whole, from the time period of the European settlement of the New World to contemporary Latin America, describing the effects of European and later United States economic exploitation and political dominance over the region. Throughout the book, Galeano analyses notions of colonialism, imperialism, and the dependency theory.

⊹ The Origin of Capitalism - Ellen Wood (A.) || Book on history and political economy, specifically the history of capitalism, written from the perspective of political Marxism.

⊹ If We Burn - Vincent Bevins (L.) || The book concerns the wave of mass protests during the 2010s and examines the question of how the organization and tactics of such protests resulted in a "missing revolution," given that most of these movements appear to have failed in their goals, and even led to a "record of failures, setbacks, and cataclysms".

⊹ The Jakarta Method - Vincent Bevins (A.) [Aleksa’s recommendation for leftists friends] || It concerns U.S. government support for and complicity in anti-communist mass killings around the world and their aggregate consequences from the Cold War until the present era. The title is a reference to Indonesian mass killings of 1965–66, during which an estimated one million people were killed in an effort to destroy the political left and movements for government reform in the country.

⊹ The Anarchy: The Relentless Rise of the East India Company - William Dalrymple (L.) [Not read by the boys yet, but wanted to read.] || History book that recounts the rise of the East India Company in the second half of the 18th century, against the backdrop of a crumbling Mughal Empire and the rise of regional powers.

⊹ The Triumph of Evil: The Reality of the USA's Cold War Victory - Austin Murphy (A.) || Contrary to the USA false propaganda, this book documents the fact that the USA triumph in the Cold War has increased economic suffering and wars, which are shown to be endemic to the New World Order under USA capitalist domination.

⊹ Technofeudalism: What Killed Capitalism - Yanis Varoufakis (L.) || Big tech has replaced capitalism’s twin pillars—markets and profit—with its platforms and rents. With every click and scroll, we labor like serfs to increase its power.  Welcome to technofeudalism . . .

⊹ The History of the Russian Revolution - Leon Trotsky (A.) [Aleksa's commentary: This might be misconstrued since I'm not a massive fan of Trotsky... but... his book "History of the russian revolution" is amazing. It's so unique to have such a detailed history book compiled by someone who was an active participant in the events, and he's surprisingly hilarious. Makes some great jokes in there and really captures the revolutionary spirit of the time.] || The History of the Russian Revolution offers an unparalleled account of one of the most pivotal and hotly debated events in world history. This book presents, from the perspective of one of its central actors, the profound liberating character of the early Russian Revolution.

⊹ Rise of The Red Engineers - Joel Andreas (A.) [Aleksa's commentary: It's a sick history book, focusing on a single university in China following it's history from imperial china, through the revolution and to the modern day. It documents sincere efforts to revolutionize the education system, but does it from a very detailed, on-the-ground view of how these cataclysmic changes effect individual students and teachers at this institution.] || In a fascinating account, author Joel Andreas chronicles how two mutually hostile groups—the poorly educated peasant revolutionaries who seized power in 1949 and China's old educated elite—coalesced to form a new dominant class.

⊹ Adults in the Room: My Battle with the European and American Deep Establishment - Yanis Varoufakis (A.) [Aleksa's commentary: The book I mentioned earlier - "adults in the room" - is amazing. There's a great description of Greece's role in the European economy [as an archetype for other, small European countries] and the Union's successful attempts to discipline smaller countries to keep their monetary policy in line with the interest of central European bankers. I'd definitely reccommend it!] || What happens when you take on the establishment? In Adults in the Room, the renowned economist and former finance minister of Greece Yanis Varoufakis gives the full, blistering account of his momentous clash with the mightiest economic and political forces on earth.

Edit: Links added when possible! If they stop working let me know or if you have a link for the ones missing.

[magentagalaxies]

always found this little parallel between how scott speaks about buddy cole vs danny husk fascinating:

(top quote is from this 2017 vulture interview, bottom quote is from paul myers' 2018 book "one dumb guy")

'he's smarter than me. braver than me. he's better than me'' vs ''danny may not be the smartest or the bravest but he's a very decent man''

[zhxngii]

Alhaitham & Blade having a crush on you

❏ ( notes ) ; This is my gift for @yanqingisim for the Secret Santa event by @solarisfortuneia, I hope you enjoy it &lt;3 ❏ ( contents ) ; PURE FLUFF! might be a bit of angst idk (surprise surprise.) , i tried to write these two tropes and I hope I did them well... sdjkhklasdme.

As Alhaitham's study buddy/research partner, he has a small (big) crush on you but doesn't know how you feel about him so he resorts to hiding his feelings.

How did he fall for you?

All it took was you truly being yourself around him. Usually, when he finishes a project with someone, he'd often hear them complain about how awkward it might've been or something along the lines of how frustrating his personality was... not that he cared though because in the end the project's done and he won't likely see them much.

You on the other hand... were a different case. He took note of how you tried to understand his side of things, not only yours, and how you tried your best to work with him despite how difficult or tiring it might've been. One thing he noticed was how determined you were with your research, and he found that attractive about you.

There used to be a point where he preferred to be alone but... you slowly became an exception as you two partnered up more.

What he does differently that gets your attention.

Alhaitham would eventually become aware of his feelings towards you, but isn't sure how you feel about him, so he'll keep it hidden away and to himself. Though, there will be a time he can't possibly just hide it anymore so what does he do?

He'll often start doing small things such as bringing his and your favorite snacks when you both take a break from all the work you've done so far. You wonder how he knew exactly what you liked and wanted at the moment at he just simply brushes it off by saying he just guessed... when really he took mental note of what you'd bring with you whenever you were with him.

Whenever you happened to catch him during his break, he puts his book down. Doesn't seem like such a big deal but... with anyone else, he wouldn't do as much as to spare a glance at them. He'd keep his eyes glued to the page he was on, not showing any bit of interest in the conversation that started with him since he wanted to be left alone already. But with you? The book can wait. You could've sworn that his eyes almost sparkle in a way whenever he looks up to see you.

Something cute he does.

Whenever you'd tell him a joke, he'll blush when you giggle at him. You find it adorable how when he doesn't get a joke, he'll often take it seriously and give such a long, textbook-based explanation. Once you explain to him, a look of embarrassment comes to his face but he'll laugh along with you at his own seriousness.

Blade's partner but the problem is that you two don't necessarily get along, he ends up developing a small crush on you, or rather a partnership as he would say in the long run.

How does he fall for you?

Blade wasn't very fond of you, the second he saw you he just didn't want you getting in his way of work. It didn't help how you two were often paired up with each other, on every mission no matter big or small, you two somehow were always stuck together.

He was always quite hard on you as your superior and he knew just how much you disliked him for how he treats you but the second you get injured... he gets worried sick. He knew you were strong on your own but knowing your clumsiness, he had to keep a close eye on you.

He's never once felt such the need to protect someone before, he thought it was just the way of a superior looking after the junior but... boy was he wrong. Soon it became more than just that kind of relationship between you two.

What he does differently that gets your attention.

He tends your injuries himself. Usually, he'd let someone else handle it, but he'd just do it himself as he wanted you to rest and be in bed as soon as possible. You didn't know how good he was at this kind of thing until that day.

He often holds your hand, leading your around with his hands tight around yours and the hilt of his sword. His excuse is that he wants to make sure you stay close to him and don't get lost, but in reality, he just wants to feel your hand in his. He'll give it a nice, firm squeeze from time to time, sometimes holding it longer than he intended.

He gives you small gifts of treats and items so you can take care of yourself when you both complete your tasks. Though he's the one that's literally helping you, he doesn't mind giving you a reward of such from time to time especially when the mission happened to take a toll on the both of you.

Something cute he does.

He becomes softer with you when it comes to winding down and relaxing, he'll take part in the little activities you enjoy even though it may seem totally out of his character but he's willing to enjoy it with you.

He'll even do such things as give you a nice hug, though the hug was mostly so he could enjoy your embrace around him as he relaxes into your arms. He loves the times like this when he can just be comfortable with you and not have to worry about being such a tough guy.

[bunnis-monsters]

Good morning, I hope you're doing well.

I've been a shy onlooker of your work for quite some time, however as of recently I've been noticing with a couple of the bee-hybrid ficlets that you've been writing, one or two of them that involved (specifically) child/infant characters were tagged with the 'monster fucker' and various such related tags..?

I love the bee stuff, I do! Please don't take this as a hate message because I really don't mean for it to come off as such. But if you're going to include infant/child characters under the age of 18 in your fics, please don't include them in NSFW scenarios, fics, or situations or put them in NSFW tags. I don't think that's entirely legal in some places and I say that out of the goodness of my heart for your protection and your readers.

There was a woman banned off Youtube who was criminally charged for breastfeeding her child and uploading it and I know this is in no way as severe but I honestly don't want to see you get banned and all your fics wiped off tumblr because you put 'minor characters' in NSFW situations/tags. :(

You could try maybe just not tagging the stuff with baby bees?? You have a huge follow base and a discord (that i'm too shy to join) so I'm sure people would still find that content if they're following you.

I'm sorry for bothering you, I hope you have a good day.

Uh.

I tag all of my fics as monster fucking… because that’s the genre. The baby bees are a result of said monster fucking.

I specifically use monster fucking on all of my posts so people who don’t like the monster fucking genre can easily filter my posts out.

I do not include any smut tags like I do on my other posts, and SPECIFICALLY tag them as “monster sfw” or “monster fluff” when I remember.

Not only have I never sexualized or plan on sexualizing the baby bees, if you or anyone else sees anything regarding them as sexual… idk what to say. They’re the most innocent posts on my page.

Read my REQUEST INFO so you can understand that I do not write for pedophilic relationships or situations. The baby bees are children.

I think you’re reading a bit into it. I’m not sure about that case of a YouTuber being banned for breast feeding, but that’s a real person with real children. These are fanfics. There could have been more behind that, and I know for sure there are cases where parents exploit their children on the internet in ways that are in the grey area, like for example, breastfeeding them and sexualizing it purposefully(breastfeeding isn’t inherently sexual, but it can be sexualized and sold as such to an audience) or having them do things that are suggestive for their pedophile audience to continue using them as a cash cow.

This is not that. The baby bees are fictional, and not once have they been sexualized. I am not interested in doing so. They’ll still be under the monster fucker tag because the baby bees are tied to the bee hybrids which ARE very NSFW. It’s a genre.

I use tags that relate to my post and can help them be easily filtered by those that DON’T want to see my content.

Never ask something like this again, it made me deeply uncomfortable.

[clover-system]

The longest list of anti-endo sources I've ever seen

While trying to find something else using Tumblr's infamous search engine, I came across this absolute gem:

NINE SOURCES!!! That's a record!! This is incredible!

@radpocalypse, listen. I am about to tear these to shreds, but before I do, I want you to know that you have my respect for not only compiling the longest list of sources I have ever seen an anti-endo provide, and not only doing so seemingly not directly prompted, but typing out every single link by hand, on mobile, without making a single mistake. Incredible work.

And also, to be completely honest, if I had nine sources supporting a belief, I almost certainly wouldn't look into them this closely. But, hey, that's what strangers on the internet with opposing views are for.

One more thing before the debunk: Endogenic systems do not claim to have DID etc. without trauma. They just don't. Whether it could be possible is often debated as an edge case, usually just to win an argument against someone of the opposing side, but really, it's irrelevant for 99% of the community. A good chunk are questioning OSDD based on later trauma, but as far as I am aware, no one on this website is claiming a completely endogenic plural disorder.

However, I don't want to dismiss entire pages based on this alone without further commentary, and it's a fun intellectual exercise regardless. So, whenever I use green text, I'm just playing Devil's Advocate under the premise of "If I was claiming to have DID without trauma (which neither I nor anyone else afaik is), would this source actually debunk that claim?" My syster will also occasionally pop in with purple, since she was cocon while I was writing this.

My dad just walked into my room and literally said "hey how it's going". You know, like. Like that one post. Amazing.

Anyway, civility established. Now come along with me on this long long journey of ten minutes of reading. Maybe put some music on in the background, if that will help you get through it. I had Near's Theme on while writing.

Here we go.

Link 1: McLean Hospital

Ok, main thing that caught my eye was

According to a 2010 Psychiatric Times article, only 5% of people with DID exhibit obvious switching between identity “states.”

Very interesting! Even with all of the "idk who's fronting" memes, 5% is really not that high. Though maybe online spaces like these help train the ability to identify it? The reference trail leads back to a book by Kluft but I don't really feel like going through dozens of pages for this. Definitely making a note of this though; I wonder if there have been any follow-up studies on this.

Not much to say here other than that. No mention of plurality outside DID.

DID is associated with long-term exposure to trauma, often chronic traumatic experiences during early childhood.

Dissociation—or disconnection from one’s sense of self or environment—can be a response to trauma.

Dissociative identity disorder—a type of dissociative disorder—most often develops during early childhood in kids who are experiencing long-term trauma. This typically involves emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse; neglect; and highly unpredictable interactions with caregivers.

Why "associated", not "is caused by"? Why "can", not "is"? Why "most often", etc.?

Why such weak language?

Not that it couldn't be weaker.

I vaguely remember McLean getting into some hot water regarding a video they posted about DID, but didn't find anything concrete. Half-remembered anecdote aside, the author seems well-qualified.

C-tier debunk of this position. It's not nothing but it could be a lot better.

Link 2: Psych Central

It occurs in women 9 times more often than in men.

Very interesting statistic, but no citation provided.

Alters can show striking differences. For instance, one alter may speak with a different accent or have a softer way of speaking. They might have different opinions or a different gender identity, and even physical differences — like left- or right-handedness, or the need for a glasses prescription.

That's quite a stark difference here compared to the McLean article. What happened to "alters aren't that noticeable"?

But whatever, these are just interesting tidbits. None of this has anything to do with endogenic plurality. Nothing like "this is the only way to be multiple", no comment whatsoever.

DID is usually associated with adverse experiences in someone’s past and traumatic memories.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a mental health condition with strong links to trauma, especially trauma in childhood.

Bruh. This again?

In fact, the American Psychiatric Association reports that 90% of people with DID have a history of childhood abuse and neglect, based on research from the United States, Canada, and Europe.

Bruh. Seriously? 90%? You know what that leaves, right?

According to your own source, 10% of DID systems are endogenic.

But let's break this down. There's a big difference between the system being endogenic, and the DID being endogenic. This statistic is specifically referring to childhood trauma.

The wording's plenty vague though. This can absolutely be read as completely endogenic DID.

One review article from 2017 about the causes of DID noted that there was relatively little research on the condition to date.

The authors said researchers hadn’t yet investigated potential genetic and epigenetic factors. With epigenetic factors, the experiences and behaviors of your parents and ancestors can influence the function of the genes they pass down to you.

The authors of the review said scientists needed to do more research to investigate whether a person with DID might carry genes that can influence if they develop the condition or not.

This is particularly promising because studies have already shown that genes can influence dissociative disorders in general.

So you're telling me DID might be able to be passed down one or two generations? Wow. Again, this still has nothing to do with endogenic plurality, but I'm really glad I decided to play with this second angle, because it's so much more fun. We're certainly not at intentional self-inflicted DID here, but we are at this point a long way from certainly needing childhood trauma in all cases.

And also the reviewer is a military psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. So uh. Not bringing our best here.

Link 3: Mayo Clinic

Gotta love an article that's nice and short. This is just a brief summary of a bunch of dissociative disorders. Again, nothing about endogenic plurality.

Starting to run out of things to say about this. This whole post could probably be a fifth the length if I didn't feel like playing on hard mode.

Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder involves "switching" to other identities. You may feel as if you have two or more people talking or living inside your head. You may feel like you're possessed by other identities.

Each identity may have a unique name, personal history and features. These identities sometimes include differences in voice, gender, mannerisms and even such physical qualities as the need for eyeglasses.

Hey, that reminds me of someone.

There also are differences in how familiar each identity is with the others. Dissociative identity disorder usually also includes bouts of amnesia and often includes times of confused wandering.

Again, McLean looking really odd with its declaration of DID's covertness against great detail like this. However, its author is so far the best qualified. This one just says "Mayo Clinic Staff". Can't even know which of them worked on this. Some of them are psychs, but if any of them specialize in dissociative disorders, it doesn't say so.

Dissociative disorders usually arise as a reaction to shocking, distressing or painful events and help push away difficult memories.

I won't bother quoting even more wishy-washy language because this post is already at an ungodly length (about 1300 words so far) and we're barely a third done. But yeah, suffice to say, no nail-in-the-coffin 100% link to trauma.

Link 4: Rethink

We are a trusted information creator and accredited by the Patient Information Forum (PIF).

Their bold, for once. That's an alarm-ringing corporate phrase if I've ever seen one. Also, first thing on the PIF's website is "balancing the risks and benefits of AI in the production of health information". So this article might've been written by GPT. Awesome. And yeah, a lot of this whole website looks to me like a bunch of interconnected pages with stupidly long articles written by stitching together LLM generations. Does pass GPT0's test though.

This one is so long. I'll take the ten minutes to read through every word, which I don't think @radpocalypse did, just to make sure there's nothing here, but one thing that does catch my eye scrolling down to near the bottom is that they misspelled their first citation.

A quick look at this Carolyn Spring shows a lot being sold and credentials nowhere in sight. Awesome.

So already I don't need to read this. The information here is not at a high level of trustworthiness. It's maybe better than nothing, but seriously, one can and should do better. But I'll read it anyway, just for bonus points. Thanks to AccelaReader for making this bearable.

Many people will experience dissociation at some point in their lives. Lots of different things can cause you to dissociate. For example, you might dissociate when you are very stressed, or after something traumatic has happened to you.

Some of the symptoms of dissociation include the following:

You may have clear multiple identities.

It‘s important to remember that you could have the symptoms of dissociation without a dissociative disorder.

So according to this, multiple identities can be caused by intense but non-traumatic stress, and might not necessarily be a disorder. So, while I admit this is a little bit of a stretch, we're four links in and this is the first mention of plurality in general, so I'll take it. One point for endogenic plurality. (And again, none of this really matters anyway because this is the worst source so far.)

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is sometimes called ‘Multiple Personality Disorder.

If you have DID you might seem to have 2 or more different identities, called ‘alternate identities.

Two missing closing quotes. Really not a good sign.

They suggest that DID is caused by experiencing severe trauma over a long time in childhood.

Aha! Finally, something concrete against endogenic DID! Too bad it's buried in the worst source yet. If we believed we had DID, we would absolutely not reconsider that based on a sketchy webpage with suboptimal syntax and no credentials.

Ugh, finally done with that one. What a slog.

Link 5: DID Research

Aha! The infamous psych student's blog! That's what Sophie said, anyway. Not taking her word for it though. Let's see what we can find here, independently.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the result of repeated or long-term childhood trauma

Why wasn't this first? First sentence, so crystal clear. No two ways about this, transDID destroyed right out of the gate.

DID cannot form after ages 6-9 because individuals older than these ages have an integrated self identity and history.

Why wasn't this first? It's so plain, so refreshing after four pages of strategic ambiguity. Nothing left here for green. But still no mention of non-disordered plurality.

The author is impressively credentialed but doesn't seem to specialize quite near this area. She's certainly better than most, high above any random Tumblr user talking out of their ass, but the good stuff would be to get a DID specialist to explicitly spell out that endogenic systems are not possible.

Also should make note of this big fat legal disclaimer:

While the author strives to make information on this website as complete, reliable, and accurate as possible, the author makes no claims, promises, guarantees, or warranties about the accuracy, completeness, or adequacy of the contents of this site and expressly disclaims liability for errors and omissions in the contents of this site.

If we did claim to have DID, this would rattle us a little but could ultimately be brushed aside.

Link 6: SANE

As usual, literally nothing about endogenic plurality. I'll just greenmode this.

The majority of people with DID have been through severe trauma in early childhood

And now back to our regularly scheduled nondefinitive language.

Fun fact: highlighting text on this website turns it invisible. Awesome.

A person needs to meet the following criteria to be diagnosed with DID:

- Two or more distinct identities or personality states, each with its own way of thinking and relating. - Amnesia and gaps in the recall of everyday events, personal information or traumatic events. - The experiences are not part of normal cultural or religious practice, or part of childhood imaginary play. For example, a child having an imaginary friend does not mean they have DID. - The symptoms are not because of substance abuse or other medical conditions.

Ah finally, a direct quote from the good ol' DSM. Notice the lack of a trauma requirement.

Funny enough, using only these criteria in isolation, we actually would count as having DID due to our grayout memory gaps when switching. DID is also listed in the dissociative disorders section of the DSM, not the trauma disorders section, so there is no implied criterion there either. However, there still remains the universal criterion of distress, which we do not fulfill. We are quite happy with ourselves.

DID is caused by severe childhood trauma, such as physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Well, which is it?? Is it a majority association or a direct cause? Why the contradiction? Or is the emphasis on early childhood trauma?

Eh, whatever. Point is, green is once again shut down. But there is still no mention of endogenic plurality anywhere here!!

And no indication of who wrote this article, though the citation for direct cause is a dissociative disorder specialist. Does he actually say that in the cited paper, though?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is multifactorial in its etiology. Whereas psychosocial etiologies of DID include developmental traumatization and sociocognitive sequelae, biological factors include trauma-generated neurobiological responses. Biologically derived traits and epigenetic mechanisms are also likely to be at play. At this point, no direct examination of genetics has occurred in DID. However, it is likely to exist, given the genetic link to dissociation in general and in relation to childhood adversity in particular.

I hope you have a dictionary on hand. That sure is a lot of big words that aren't in Firefox's built-in spellchecker. Still, after making sure I got everything, it's clearly not so cut and dry here. And we're back on the "it could be genetic" point.

Tangentially related: I do like the dismissal of the iatrogenic model on the basis of the brain scans.

Neurobiological differences have been demonstrated between dissociative identities within patients with DID and between patients with DID and controls. Given the current evidence, DID as a diagnostic entity cannot be explained as a phenomenon created by iatrogenic influences, suggestibility, malingering, or social role-taking. On the contrary, DID is an empirically robust chronic psychiatric disorder based on neurobiological, cognitive, and interpersonal non-integration as a response to unbearable stress.

Anyway, we're not even on the original page anymore, so I'll call it here. No mention of endogenic plurality, and the citation that claims to dismiss endogenic DID doesn't.

Link 7: NAMI Michigan

While the causes [of DID] are unknown

I'm tired. Aren't you tired?

Treatment for DID consists primarily of psychotherapy with hypnosis.

Yeah I'm calling BS on this one

And no citations on this entire page, nor even the author's name.

Statistics show that DID occurs in 0.01 to 1 percent of the general population.

Research has shown that the average age for the initial development of alters is 5.9 years old.

No sources listed. This is definitely the worst link. Literally on the same level as a rambling Tumblr user in terms of credibility.

Doesn't matter that it says

This disorder is believed to be triggered by physical or sexual abuse in childhood

Couldn't even get this dogshit source to be firm.

This one gets an F.

Link 8: The Psychology Practice

Got scared for a moment there that it said ai. No, that's AL, a name. Also this was written in 2022, so we're definitely safe. Can't actually find any other info on this AL character, but at least we can look up the co-author.

Hm, can't find anything on her, either. Well, at least this is a step up from the previous link. Let's see what it has to say.

According to the Dissociative Identity Research Organisation (2018), DID is formed in childhood due to repeated trauma in early childhood (before age 10) before the personality is fully integrated.

I do like that these later links are direct with this. They don't seem to have a citation for that DIRO, though. Unless...

No. Oh no.

Ok, so this one was written by a couple of clowns who definitely didn't do their homework. Cool. I'm getting tired of humoring awful sources like this, so moving on to the grand finale.

Link 9: NAMI

Wait, this is the same group behind the zero-citation article from Michigan! But that was just Michigan. Maybe the main site can do better.

Ugh, it's just another list of dissociative disorders instead of DID specifically.

The symptoms of a dissociative disorder usually first develop as a response to a traumatic event,

Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired?

Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices.

Often? Wow. Sure is a far cry from 5%.

Dissociative disorders are managed through various therapies including: - Psychotherapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) - Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) - Medications such as antidepressants can treat symptoms of related conditions

No mention of hypnosis, allegedly the primary method of treatment?? (/sarc)

and there was no mention of plurality being exclusive to dissociative disorders

Oh, and no listed authors either.

So, after three thousand words of analysis, all we've come up with are nothing burgers, dogshit, and dogshit nothing burgers. Out of nine links, only one briefly and indirectly touched on endogenic plurality, and it was in favor. Even the argument against the traumaless DID strawman is weak at best. These sources are bad, to put it lightly.

@radpocalypse, if you're reading this, firstly, thank you for powering through your ADHD and dyslexia to read thousands of words dunking on your masterpiece. Secondly, if you have any more sources that you think are backing you, feel free to send them my way. Just uh, maybe read them more closely next time?

And that goes for everyone here. If you think you have a better source, or if I made a mistake or missed something here, I am open to correction. I am open to the idea that I'm wrong and I have some unknown trauma to work through, but I certainly won't go digging unless I have good reason to believe it's there, and I haven't seen any good reason. And if you haven't either, maybe it's time to reconsider your position.

One last thing before I go.

Have you ever actually seen a pro-endo carrd, let alone one cited in standalone? I haven't.

Here's a much longer list of much better sources than yours supporting endogenic plurality compiled by the traumagenic Guardians System. I don't expect you to read anywhere near the whole thing; just pick a few links at random. And yes, while many of them are peer-reviewed papers, some of them are Tumblr posts, but those Tumblr posts cite peer-reviewed papers, so it's all good.

Thanks for reading.

[cringelordofchaos]

Stan questioning their gender in The Cissy

For the purpose of this post I will refer to Stan with they/them pronouns, although I usually use he/him for them.

This is the end... Of being cis...

Ahem.

Let us start, from The beginning:...

Cartman told Stan Wendy/l is "telling everyone (s)he likes girls" and identifies as a boy, "which would mean Stan's a girl", which starts confusing them... ("cartman's a girl? Wendy's a boy? Could I... also be something nobody noticed before?" - Is what I assume was going on inside their head.)

Their confusion/curiosity prompts them to seek some form of explanation... Support, reassurance.

They go to their dad.

"Dad, Is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside, but totally different on the inside?"

"I mean - can someone identify as one sex, but be something else, but still have it be nothing about sex?"

I do find it somewhat interesting that Randy is the first person Stan goes to when confused about this. It wouldn't be the first time - similiar scenario occurred in "Tweek x Craig", where they were confused about Tweek and Craig being depicted as gay by the new girls in school, despite neither of them showing any signs of being gay before. They turn to Randy, despite their rocky relationship- but I digress. Randy simply tells them yes, that can be the case. And explains to the, how he(?)'s actually Lorde, to which Stan faints - i have no comment of relevance

Leaving them possibly more confused then before...

Further confusion ensues.

They don't know where they belong ...

Did they ever?

And they finally decide...

But, shortly after, they get in Trouble (or at least undergo interrogation)

When asked why they felt the need to go to the transgender bathroom/didn't feel comfortable using the boys bathroom, they respond -

"I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm confused."

So, their confused feelings of gender identity could possibly be due to their empathy, rather than them actually being trans. Throughout the series it is frequently shown that Stan is a pretty empathetic kid, and easily emotionally influenced - this could easily be another demonstration of their high emotional empathy.

But ya never know.

But the interesting thing is that in this episode, it's acknowledged that being transgender and gender dysphoria is a real thing people struggle with, but that's not Cartman, as cartman's only using being transgender as an excuse to get access to a cleaner bathroom. Stan here could possibly be the demonstration of a kid actually struggling with gender identity, as a parallel to Cartman in a way (?), as while Cartman's new gender identity is accepted despite probably not being trans, Stan is perceived to be cis and transphobic by everyone despite them genuinely being confused about their gender, unlike Cartman.

At the end, when it is officially announced anyone can go to any bathroom they feel comfortable in, including trans and cis kids, and if they're not comfortable sharing a bathroom with anyone possibly trans they'll have to go to a separate "cissies" bathroom, Stan feels comfortable enough going to the boys bathroom, only with this knowledge intact. (I mean, if they were non binary and possibly had to choose between "girls" "boys" and "cissies", they possibly felt most comfortable with "boys")(and also, perhaps knowing they're not the only non-cis/not fully cis person in the bathroom at all times comforted them..?). However, they're bullied into the cissies bathroom, because everyone assumes Stan's transphobic because they're all fucking dumbasses.

Now, them questioning/being confused about their gender is never referenced again in the series, at least I doubt it is. But, from what we've been shown, I just find it all very interesting. Idk.

Long post short, non binary/demi-boy Stan real 💯💯💯

[wandixx]

Dani gives people heart attacks and brings down a lot of trafficking rings, making friends along the way. Everything by accident, really

Dani traveled around world, hadn't she? While doing it, she had to meet a lot of interesting people.

Like heroes or villains.

In civies or not or both who knows.

But to actually learn things about someplace you have to spend more than one night there. Like, idk? Month? Probably more but I doubt she would be able to sit in one place for any longer. In many places she is shorter.

Month is long enough to create some connections though.

Enough to get someone to realize when you disappear...

Yeah, Dani on her way of gremlin and self discovery ghosted bunch of people without second thought. They'll probably forget her in few months anyway. And she was everywhere in USA. She didn't left American soil only because she didn't want to be too far from Danny in case of emergency. Before anyone tells me he was in space so he could fly to her wherever on Earth she would be, Earth's atmosphere ends about 100 km above sea level and officially this is border of space. Telecommunication satellites are between 8000 to 12000 km up. It's about how wide Atlantic Ocean is.

Plus y'know, time. If she needs help, she probably can't quite wait until he flies all the way to Hong Kong, Wladywostok, Rio de Janeiro or wherever she is.

So America it is. For now at least. When they're 100% sure she is stable she'll fly elsewhere.

Anyway people who she ghosted are used to batshit crazy stuff but "this tween is alone on her road to self discovery and just left for new city" isn't first thing anyone thought about. Maybe outside of Martians. They know. Everyone else? No idea what happened to this tiny, chaotic, snarky, probably meta child.

First thought though?

She got kidnapped.

So now 3/4 of Justice League, some individual heroes and bunch of less intense rogues are scrambling around their cities tracking every trafficking ring they found glimpses of, trying to find Dani.

Flashes work with Captain Cold on this and seem to slowly descend into madness. At the same time, Dani eats ice cream with nice museum lady from Washington who introduced herself as Diana. Then she helps at animal shelter with kind stuck up boy called Damian. Oh, Danny likes aliens, let's visit Martian Manhunter. Maybe she'll manage to get autograph for her template. Wait Space Cops? Kinda sucks but Danny would probably like their signatures too. Let's go. Oh, Superboys are fun mess with and older one is like her! This Nightwing guy puns like Danny but she always feels like he looks at her weirdly. Billy should eat more, magic or not, fighting is tiring. Good thing she has Sam's money to buy him burgers.

She has time of her life while people she met are slowly dying.

She probably doesn't even hide that she is traveling but for whatever reason they don't think she actually left.

They don't bring it up on any meeting because no matter how concerned they are, it's not really whole league type of business. And Martians just discreetly enjoy chaos.

There is a lot of ways it can get resolved (or not) but I kinda thought about Jon introducing his old buddy Damian to his new buddy Dani because he thinks they would get along and they just stare at each other for long moment before:

"Dani..."

"Dami!"

"WHY DID YOU LEFT WITHOUT A WORD! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDNAPPED OR DEAD!"

Some screaming and revelation that Killer Croc was looking for her too, Dani hits moment of realisation.

"Wait, is this what people think when you just up and go?"

"Honestly? Yeah"

"Oh, Ancients I did this to so many people. So many..."

Idk, just Dani traveling and leaving people behind.

Do with it what you will

[saltpepperbeard]

Are you still feeling hopeful? I’m trying really hard not to feel demoralized these last few days…

Hi, darling anon! I totally understand where you’re coming from. We’ve been at it for weeks (almost THREE) and things have seemingly slowed down, there’s drama both in-fandom and out, and there’s just sort of an ever-creeping feeling of disheartenment. And on top of everything, it’s JANUARY (DEROGATORY).

But you know what? Despite all of that, despite it all, I am still clinging onto hope. Call me stubborn or whatever else lol, but yes, I’m still hopeful. I think I will be until I see Djenks wave some sort of white flag, or until a lot of time passes with no forward momentum. And even with the latter, I’ll probably still have the stubborn wish to get something like a movie or whatever else in the future.

Now, I’m clinging onto hope for a few reasons. One, and this is the most important one, we really don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes right now. I think that mentality can also swing into negative territory, but I’m using it to propel me into hopeful territory. We don’t know what all is being discussed, we don’t know if anyone’s interested, and we don’t know who all is fighting and how hard.

Again, could be twisted into a “nothing is happening” type view, but when I look at David? At Taika? And how much the show means to them? How passionately they’ve spoken out about it? And how gracious David and the rest of the cast/crew has been? Idk about you, but I’d like to think they’re trying to push for a continuation as hard as they can. *Stede voice* I don’t think…any of us have let go, actually.

Not to mention that the cast and crew have not stopped posting/interacting with renewal campaign efforts. David hasn’t told us anything that would allude to failed deals, and Ruibo still posts #SaveOFMD type things. It just feels like they’re still riding alongside of us.

Secondly, and sort of along those lines, I’m holding on to the knowledge that every renewal is different. There have been some giant campaigns with zero results, but there have also been smaller campaigns with success. There have been campaigns that have only landed a few more episodes, whereas there have been others that landed more seasons, a movie, etc etc.

Each case is unique, and really has to do with what’s going on behind the scenes. Why the show was cancelled in the first place, if the platform is willing to shop it out, if other platforms find it desirable/profitable, etc etc.

And I think along those lines also, there comes a mentality that makes people even more disheartened and sad. I think there’s this thought that if we’ve slowed down, if we’re not pushing enough, we won’t get renewed. And I don’t really think that’s the case; I don’t think renewal rests squarely on our shoulders like that. Because, again, I think a lot of it really has to do with money, and with negotiations between studios. I think we’re very good for visibility and noise, and subsequently, I think any sort of effort is great effort! I think any work that has been conducted is good work.

It’s also important to think about how we’re sort of in a transition stage of the campaign right now, too. Things are significantly different than they were just a week ago. There are campaign leadership changes going on, the focus is different, and new plans of attack are being ironed out.

So, we all just need to give ourselves some grace. We’ve done so much, and things have moved so fast, and the cast and crew have felt so loved. We’ve made it into publications, made it onto physical ads, and gotten the attention of outside entities (shoutout to Astroglide WJDJW). We’ve also all come together, which is VERY wonderful considering how divided things felt towards the end of October. We’re doing wonderful all things considered, and so for that reason among a few others, I’m still hopeful.

Also, there’s this post by @pehmokoira that goes into even MORE detail of why we shouldn’t throw in the towel/lose hope.

SO. TLDR, there is a lot weighing down on “the atmosphere of this ship,” but I still encourage you to keep those fingers crossed. Help maintain the momentum however works best for you. Take a break, take a step back, and take care. But keep that stubborn little fire burning if you can 💜🏴‍☠️

[kikker-oma]

LU HEADCANNONS FOR EACH OF THE BOIS

ALPHABETICAL ORDER

Four

Looks at his feet ALL THE TIME while walking, he doesn’t wanna step on a minish. Speaking of which, aside from Legend, is the only one fluent in more than one language because he knows the picori language

His hair looks brushed? Nah, it’s not. He tried brushing it and it always gets tangled, but the knots are just so fine it doesn’t even look like it’s tangled, so he only brushes the top layer of his hair.

Hyrule

Keeps the peace. One of the only reasons that the chain isn’t at each others throats. Part of the reason is that he doesn’t know what half of these debates is about, but is very good at making each side seem like he agrees with them, even though he’s confused.

Memorizes facts about everybody’s Hyrule to be prepared. Is VERY keen on being prepared. Even though he may come off as chaotic, he always has a plan for whatever will go wrong. Very much belives in murphey’s law.

Legend

ANGSTY GUY. Seems talkative but NEVER talks about what he truly thinks just talks because he feels the need to show people that he exists and is strong.

Claims that he hates children. Yet he will hug any baby he sees. Absolutely adores children if we are being honest. He even got Sky to teach him embroidery so he can embroid little blankets for babies 🥹

Sky

Hopeless romantic. He will wax poetry about Sun for 25 hours seven days a week if you let him. He shares literally everything he’s interested in with her.

He sometimes (this is so OOC but idc) sends post cards of him and Fi to LD-301S Scrapper to make him jealous. He absolutely hates that tiny robot.

Time

Cryptic. Will spill traumatizing memories of his past but will make them so cryptic that nobody will understand WHAT he’s saying.

(I think we can all agree) a father at heart. He knows eventually he will have to bid his goodbyes to the other 8 members of the chain but REALLLLY doesn’t wanna.

Twilight

Will eat table scraps

Is either REALLY good at getting women or REALLY bad, depends on where and when. Even though he is he regrets everyone because he’s still sad about Midna.

Family therapist. He knows everybodies problems and never shares them to anybody else, he’s always there for everyone.

Warriors

Even if he flirts with women, he never wants to date anyone. He’s still kinda… traumatized about Cia. He is more of a “take you out on a nice date but remains just friends” guy. He knows it may come off as toxic but he has best intentions.

He actually got his scarf enchanted by a great fairy. It as a defense boost and attack up. There is a reason he wears it, gotta be fashionable and practical.

Wild

LOADED, like 999,999 rupees. Because of this, for each era he goes to, he buys a yard of fabric for his home era. He will find use for it… some day.

As much as he and Flora are… alright together. He is still salty about her. He knows that she was struggling with finding her own destiny, but he still doesn’t like how he was treated.

Wind

Do NOT challenge him to any card game. At all. He will win he will take all your rupees and there is nothing you can do to stop him. And by the rare case that you DO beat him, he will pull the “young innocent baby boy” card which makes you want him to win and end up revoking your winner status.

A mischievous boy. Will poke people with his wind waker and finds it hilarious ever. Single. Time. The amount of times Wars literally had to hide it from him as he kept using the “control” power (idk what to call it) is uncountable. People would think that he taught Aryll all of this, but nope. Aryll was the one that taught him all those tricks. It runs in the family.

Ooohhhh these headcannons are so fun!!!

Fours little fairy knots in his hair is oddly adorable

Hyrule being the peacemaker instead of sky is really refreshing and I feel like more on oar for his character tbh!

Legend embroidering baby blankets has my heart MELLTIIINGGG😭❤️

Sky being a gremlin to Scrapper is also VERY true to his character. Sky is the best little piece of crap 🤣🤣

Time being SO cryptic hahaha and why shouldn't he be? It's so much more fun that way LOL.

Me feeding Twi all my scraps

Poor wars, Cia really is disgusting😠

Wild being rich🤣YES HAHA and they would be so shocked too lolol

Wind will BANKRUPT wild in a game of cards haha that would be a night to remember lol

[toomuchracket]

pre-dating idea, the bday party friendship group all doing a "blind date with a book" night and everyone gets assigned another person to choose a book for that they think they'll enjoy. obviously, matty and girlie get each other, and they have to explain why they chose that book, and it just proves how much they really notice and care about each other

i love this i'm obsessed with it and actually it got me thinking... what if you got each other the same book by complete coincidence? also like as THE literary girly of all time and the friend group, i reckon you'd be the one planning the whole shindig - your flat isn't huge, but it's alright, because that means the book presentation evening will be cosy lol, and a month before the actual get-together you "pulled names from a hat" to allocate who was choosing for who, which is code for You chose strategically partially because you wanted to see what would happen when you paired frankie and enya, because they're so different, and partially because you'd be damned if anyone else got to buy matty a book lmao. anyway! once the teams are picked and shared, he messages the gc like "excited but also lowk scared. i've got to pick WELL lol" and texts you privately like "fr i can't wait to pick you something, darling. thank you for planning this, it'll be really fun!", and it makes you GIDDY. the whole thing does, actually, buying him a book and wrapping it and leaving your reasoning on the cover and then having a drink with him in your kitchen before the gifting part of the hangout. it's so fun to see what your friends all chose for each other - some choices are funny, some serious, but all are thoughtful - and have a laugh, and the excitement fizzing in your stomach when it reaches your and matty's turn is just as good; it briefly fizzles into panic when you open the package to see the exact same copy of crying in h mart that you bought him, but as soon as you look into those pretty eyes of his you can't stop giggling at the coincidence. neither can matty - he just leans over to hug you like "i can't believe that. maybe we know each other TOO well, darling, christ", and you return it like "we're mental. s'amazing". and while the book choice is the same, the reasoning is slightly different; yours was because you thought he would enjoy reading about a musician using another form/skill to process their emotion (in the book's case, cooking), and his was because he thought you would enjoy reading about how identity is shaped through the gaps in language and culture as much as those things themselves AND the hard things we experience in life (idk i am spitballing here), and you were both right about the other being interested in that. bless him, he's genuinely apologetic when you find each other in the kitchen again later, offering to replace the book with another, but you just put a finger on his lips (he goes internally insane at this) and shake your head like "nah, this one's perfect. and i was thinking - we could do a buddy read of it sometime, if you'd like, discuss it together as we go, maybe annotate each other's copies", and matty actually swears he's never been more up for anything ever in his life. a private book club, just the two of you? your handwriting on his books forever? he's lovesick i fear. yeah, i love this whole idea <3

[blueper-saiyan]

I’ve always wondered what Vegeta would have done if Bulma and baby Trunks had actually been killed by Gero in the Cell Saga. Like, it’s completely possible that he would have genuinely done nothing about it, though I like to think he’d be at least a little distressed on some level lmao. Just maybe in the same way he likes to say he doesn’t care about other Saiyans. (Yes there’s a case to be made he legitimately doesn’t care and he’s more upset that Freeza used him like he says, and yeah I see the case that it makes him a more interesting character, but I feel like he can have two reasons to be upset and also be completely oblivious to one of them. Or even only start to care later.) Alternately, there could be a case made that he’d flip out like he did when Future Trunks died. After all, he didn’t react to Future Trunks being hurt or in danger all the way up until the point where he actually died, where it clearly came as a surprise to Vegeta that he even cared. It kind of depends on when and why you think he started to care about Future Trunks. If it was in the time chamber and all it took was time together, then I think there’s a chance he’d feel that way about Bulma, who he also spent time with. If it was Trunks standing up to him about Cell, then he might be entirely indifferent to Bulma and Trunks’ deaths, since they haven’t proven themselves to him in quite the same way. He does seem to have a little bit of respect for Bulma from when she wanted to see Freeza though.

Idk I just find this scenario interesting because I’ve never had a firm personal answer for it. If anyone else has opinions and reasoning I’d enjoy hearing it. Also I really wish we got more info about Vegeta and Future Trunks time together.

[astolfofo]

bruh i wrote this on a whim. but it needs to be said.

tw: manipulation, yandere. Nothing too much. It’s pretty mild, but it’s dazai so idk what to say. 

bruh if this flops im gonna actually cry tho. I actually used my brain to write this. even tho I used causual language and this ain’t that formal ughsdfhlkdsj. but also sorry if it’s really bad. I didn’t even proofread this I just copy and pasted it into tumblr. Also, if the ending’s kinda messy or if there’s like grammar mistakes... pls tell me I literally am so braindead rn i can’t read

would also tag people this was inspired by but this is actually half shitpost and that would be hella rude of me to do that so. lmfao. (translate: i don’t have the balls)

===

I see so many people thinking that Dazai would fall for someone cheerful, and bubbly, who would approach him first.

Honestly, I disagree.

I think the opposite. Maybe it’s because I see part of myself in Dazai (and Yozo from the No Longer Human), or maybe because it’s simply because I’m not a bubbly, happy, person in general (but i wanna be with him jkjk unless… ) but. I personally disagree with that headcannon, I don’t really see it happening. Obviously, there are cases of characters liking an innocent, sweet, bubbly darling (cough. Nikolai. Chuuya. Akutagawa. Atsushi.) But, for Dazai… I feel like that would be too boring for him. Not as in he wouldn’t like it that way… but it would be too easy for him, ya know? Like there’s no challenge, there’s no… interest in doing that. Why would Dazai want someone so open, so innocent, so bubbly and kind, who would listen to anything he said? That’s not even genuine, that’s fake. Everyone has their own secrets, their lies, and they create a fake mask for everyone else to see. They wouldn’t want to show their true self… because it’d make them not only look bad… but also we’d all be extremely vulnerable. And violent.

Dazai knows this better than anyone else. I’d like to think, anyways. And innocent people like that, whether genuine or not, usually would deter him because they’re… too easy to pursue. Despite being a good liar himself, I don’t think he’d want someone who would fake the niceness, because it would be obvious from the start. Dazai doesn’t strike me as someone who would enjoy breaking his darling down (that’s Fyodor’s thing bro would definitely like someone who is fake). He has some morality, he doesn’t like using mind break. After all, that goes against what Oda told him to do. However, he’d definitely enjoy mind games, he’d like to pick you apart to get to know you better. Better than you know yourself. And once he does, he can leverage you however he likes to be his ideal woman. Even that manga q and a (I’lll find the link later) said that Dazai likes all women because he can make them into what he wants. Someone who’s outright innocent and kind wouldn’t be able to achieve that effect for him. It doesn’t offer him the challenge, it doesn’t offer him any kind of challenge in just manipulating someone innocent who barely hides anything. That would be a bad thing, and even his skwered sense of whatever morals he has would disagree with it. He wouldn’t even be able to fall for someone like that. Simple-minded people, just aren’t for him.

So, in prose, I’d like to offer an alternate idea: Dazai would like a darling that’s, obviously to a similar intelligence as him (otherwise they’d be… too easy), but very distant. Not as in a “they have a mask on”, kind of way. But in a. They’re apathetic, cold, and aren’t great at communicating kind of way. I think it’s an interesting dynamic. The first time when Dazai sees them, he may not even think much of them. Neutral cold face doesn’t say many sentences and wants him to leave. Maybe a slight fear of him, that he approached them. However, as time passes by, Dazai realizes he likes them. He genuinely craves their presence. He notices the way you don’t exactly know what his motives are, he enjoys the way you flinch when he touches your hands, or blush and do not know how to respond to his comments.

He sees all of it. And he wants to see who you really are. Behind your true mask. Maybe you’re a narcissist. Maybe you’re just a kind innocent person. Or maybe… you’re just as empty and lonely as he is. Whatever you are, he’ll eventually turn you into what he wants. It’s just a matter of time.

It’s like he’s looking at a Christmas present, and trying to guess the contents inside. The curiosity kills him. He wants to look at what it is now, but he can’t. He can’t. Until it’s Christmas day. So in the meantime, he’ll do everything except pull down the thin wrapping paper, and the apathetic, cold face you put on for everyone around you. It’s rather difficult actually, you do a pretty good job at covering your true self. You’re a skilled liar, you can control any physical reactions you have towards his questions.

But that just makes it all the more addictive.

The second you slip up, even just for a tiny. Little. Bit. Dazai is able to pinpoint a lot about you. It’s almost like he tore off a corner of the wrapping paper on his present, and he’s knows a lot about what it is. It’s more than he expected. It was just one facial expression. A face of shock, to anger, and then you calm yourself to the best of your abilities again. It’s barely noticeable to the average person. But that’s the thing. Dazai isn’t average. 

He’s the smartest man you’ll ever know.

It makes you feel conflicted. And you’re aware this is probably where Dazai wants you to be. And it is. Dazai finally was able to make a dent on the thin walls inside your mind. The walls that separated your true self, from others. And he’d pick and tear down these walls continuously until he was able to see inside.

But for Dazai... it’s his Christmas day. Dazai felt like his efforts... his waiting, his long awaited efforts were finally rewarded. All it took was one little slip on your behalf, one tiny little tear, for the wrapping paper to completely fall off. And as it lays discarded on the floor, Dazai admires the gift. He admires you. Your mind is such a vulnerable place. Yet in its own way, it’s beautiful and fragile. He feels like he physically cannot tarnish it. Yet... you’re so much more different than he thought. 

You’re niether a kind person, nor a violent one. You’re not broken, you’re not depressed nor anxious nor scared. You’re not nearly what he idealizes so much, and you’re not some insane slave to your ideals. No... what was inside that box and wrapping paper all this time was similar to a piece of piece of glass. Plainly boring in its own way... yet beautiful if shaped in the right hands. 

You’re a blank slate. Sure, you have your own trauma, your own struggles, desires, and wishes but... he’ll still do as he wants to you. 

And you won’t have a single say in it. 

You’re a blank slate. A canvas waiting to be drawn on. And draw on you he will. 

He’ll admire you, he’ll protect you, he’ll... do anything and everything to make you love him. You’ll.... you’ll learn to love him.

And in return, you’ll be the only one who will see and understand his true self.

[daydreamerwonderkid]

Kyoko is adding so much more credence to my theory that being a magical girl is more like a curse.

My earlier thoughts about how there's no incentive for magical girls to work together seems to be correct so far.

Yeah, sure, it could just be how the magic system operates that the more Grief Seeds you collect, the more powerful you become. And the fact that in order for a magical girl's gem to not "fade" aka not lose their powers, they have to keep collecting more Grief Seeds is just so ... convient.

It's starting to feel more like magical girls are meant to farm Grief Seeds for Kyubey to snack on vs "helping people."

I'm mostly saying this because of Kyoko and Sayaka's first interaction/fight.

The fact that Kyoko is willing to sacrifice people in order to "game the system" vs Sayaka's-and by extension, Mami's-blatant disgust at suggesting such a thing is very interesting to me.

To me, this really shows how manipulative Kyubey actually might be. They're still selling the idea that being a magical girl is like being a super hero, but Kyoko is living proof that this is not the case at fucking all.

It also shows that Homura isn't an outlier. Her cold personality, actions and words could absolutely be a direct result of her making a contract with Kyubey. Where Kyoko seems to find amusement at the expense of others, Homura is detached and seems to find no joy in being a magical girl.

So her anger towards Sayaka forming a contract with Kyubey is actually looking pretty warranted. I mean, sure, her anger towards Sayaka for doing it feels like a on overreaction to Sayaka and Madoka. But with all this added context, Homura's actions are starting to feel less like an overreaction and more like an appropriate response to, well, literally everything.

Kyoko and Homura are "veterans," but it's extremely obvious who has more experience here. Kyoko can still act cocky and brash, but the difference in perspective really highlights their difference in power, too. Something something the more powerful you become, the more of your humanity you lose.

Of course, from Sayaka's perspective all she sees is someone who let Mami die. But in actuality, Homura gave Mami ample warning and she still chose to fight the witch on her own. Mami died because of her overconfidence and it's a fucking tragedy.

But to Sayaka, Homura is directly responsible. So whenever Homura tries to offer any advice or warnings, Sayaka instinctively writes her off and refuses to listen.

So you have 4 different perspectives all at war here:

-Sayaka's righteous (and possibly naive) belief that being a magical girl is an honorable profession akin to that of a super hero/knight

-Kyoko's ambivalence towards human life all for the sake of self satisfaction and power, which is further validated and encouraged by the reward of Grief Seeds/more power

-Homura's emotional detachment as a possible result of witnessing far more suffering than any other magical girl before her

-Madoka's growing horror and desperate attempts to have everything be "okay" again, naively imploring everyone to use the "power of friendship" so she doesn't have to see anyone else get hurt

It genuinely feels like being a magical girl purposely sets you up to self isolate. Whether as a precaution to protect loved ones or to gain more power, there's just very little reason for anyone to work together.

Also, Kyubey's constant fucking pushing for Madoka to become a magical girl is so fucking suspicious. They're legit pressuring Madoka to keep entering into dangerous situations "just in case" Sayaka gets in trouble when we all known damn well at this point that it's absolutely guaranteed she will.

Kyubey using Madoka's fear of losing another friend in a horrific way by knowingly placing her and Sayaka in danger is so fucking suspect. And then them trying to convince Sayaka to persuade Madoka into forming a contract-BITCH, HELLO?!

Idk what Kyubey has to gain from all of this yet, but if getting more Grief Seeds translates to more power ... making a contract with Kyubey could potentially be a way for them get innocent and vulnerable girls to do their dirty work.

A part of me even wonders if Kyubey knew Mami was going to die and is using that traumatic event to further manipulate Sayaka and Madoka.

[thetomorrowshow]

hi i’m the anon who asked to make more of the reverse au

i realised i’m actually pretty terrible at writing and am terrified of posting my work anywhere but i still have so many ideas. i thought i’d just share them here in case you or anyone else is interested (you don’t have to read them i just want to get them out of my head)

-scott and jimmy become pen pals and write to each more and more until it’s a daily occurrence. through the letters jimmy tells scott everything that was said in dissonant air (he can’t control his powers, he never meant to hurt anyone, the depressing thoughts, etc)

-they see each others real faces during a poorly timed letter delivery. scott had come to give jimmy his letter in his civilian get-up at the same time jimmy was leaving his apartment

-scott didn’t return to being a hero between the times he was kidnapped from his injuries and from his fear of seeing xornoth again. he stayed trapped in his house writing letters. his friends were more than happy to help him buy groceries and stuff every once in a while. nobody noticed when he got kidnapped except for jimmy, since the letters stopped coming. at first jimmy thought scott had come to his senses and stopped talking to him but still had a feeling something was wrong

-jimmy tried to tell the other hero’s something was wrong but they didn’t trust him. after days of constantly bothering them and insisting major was in danger they finally complied. jimmy told them about scott’s previous kidnapping and they got on the case

-the hero’s tried to find xornoths lair by themselves (they wouldn’t let jimmy help for obvious reasons) but gave in after months of failure and let poor jimmy help. he used what information he could find from all of the letters he was sent. it wasn’t a lot but it was enough to work with

wow this got long. sorry about that! there’s still other stuff i had in my head with this (like with what was going on with scott during all of this and how they get him out) but idk if you’d want to hear more. sorry if this was bad i’m not the best with writing and grammar

I never thought I would write anything else for this au of an au. But hey, here we are.

For clarity's sake, Jimmy is 'S' and Scott is 'M'.

---

Hey! Hope everything’s good. Sorry about your security camera :/ I think I broke it… But I just wanted to say thank you for not mentioning me to the police. Or the reporters. Yeah. Sorry. But I hope you’re getting to feeling better! Thanks again and sorry again

Thanks

S

~

Thank you for your help.

-M

~

Hey, just wanted to let you know I got your note! Glad I could help, really. I feel like I never do anything right, so it was nice to be able to help someone for once. On a related note, I think your groceries went bad. Sorry :( I should start pre-writing these so that I don’t stand on your doorstep for so long. But how does getting groceries delivered work? I’ve been wanting to try it for a while because supermarkets are a landmine. But I hope you’re well! I hope you’re eating enough. Sorry about the groceries.

Thanks!!

S

~

Please do not stand on my doorstep to write notes.

You visit the store’s website and click the delivery option.

-M

~

Thanks for the advice about the whole shopping thing! I haven’t done it yet because I dropped my phone into an incinerator the other day and I’m still trying to buy a new one but the power goes out every time I walk into an electronics store. I’ll try it out once I have a new one though!! And I’m so so sorry I know I shouldn’t stand on your doorstep because like anyone could pass by, which is why I’ve only been stopping by at night, but I think Pearl almost saw me the other night so I’ll be more careful.

Sorry again!!

S

P.S. Sorry I’m standing on your doorstep but I was just wondering why you haven’t done any interviews?? You’ve been back for while now and people are going to worry… just checking to make sure you’re okay! Getting kidnapped can kind of take it out of you for a while :/

~

Sorry you haven’t said anything I just wanted to let you know that I tried out the delivery thing!! It worked really well actually I didn’t have to sign for it or anything just came right up to my doorstep. A lot of the stuff wasn’t what I ordered and the jam I wanted had shattered but it worked and it was way less stressful than usual so you’re the best for telling me how to do it thanks so much!

S

P.S. sorry sorry sorry but you don’t have to write me back if you don’t want to, I just wanted to check that you’re doing okay! Have a good week :) 

~

If they sent you the wrong items, you should get a refund.

Thank you. I don’t plan on any public appearances until I don’t panic when I go outside for the time being. I am recovering well.

-M

~

Okay you didn’t say to stop writing but it was good to hear from you! I felt really bad that I couldn’t help you more that night so I just worry. I’ve been thinking lately though that you probably don’t want to hear from me though so I can stop.

I do need to say something first, though. I mentioned it when you were at my at that apartment with me, but I don’t know how much you remember from then or anything. But basically I’m so so sorry about everything. Like literally everything. I’ve never forgiven myself for Aeor and I don’t expect you to, either, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry. If I could change everything I would. Believe me I would. I’ve hurt too many people. It would be better if I didn’t exist. I don’t deserve to I’ve hurt I should just start a new note at this point, haha. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I understand if you don’t want me to write any more notes. I’ll stop. I hope you’re doing well and you continue to recover!

S

P.S. last time I got kidnapped I was really scared of going back to my apartment so I moved and I felt better, so maybe you need a bit of time out of the city to help you get tip-top :)

~

Thank you for the apology.

And my therapist thinks that might be an unhealthy way of coping, as much as I might agree with you that getting away sounds nice. I’m working through it.

You don’t have to stop writing.

-M

~

I AM SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE AT MY DOOR BEFORE I WALKED OUT LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN

Anyways wow you have a therapist that’s good!! My advice isn’t really good haha sorry. I actually did therapy for a little when I was in school but then everything went really bad with my powers and but then things didn’t work out. I don’t know why I crossed that out. Basically I was in therapy to try and learn how to control my powers and well we know how that ended up.

Quick question maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to you on tv but are your eyes naturally that blue? Because it’s really blue.

S

~

This is my natural eye color.

I didn’t know that there was a therapy program for children who struggle to control their powers. You said it didn’t help, though. I’m glad that you were able to figure it out without professional help.

You were kidnapped before. Does it get any easier? I’m sorry to hear that.

-M

~

Oh so about the therapy thing yeah my powers came when I was like 15 and that’s usually a little old for that therapy but they made a special exception. But no it didn’t work. Actually my parents were planning to send me away to a specialist where I could get the help I needed but it never ended up happening. So I just never learned how to control them.

On a related note a giraffe ate my new phone but I tried out the delivery thing again before that! I kind of expect to get the wrong things because of my powers haha so I’m not going to complain about my ten bottles of ketchup. But my jam did shatter again so I have to decide if it’s worth the anxiety of going to the store.

The first time I got kidnapped, I was really scared. I didn’t know what was happening. They wanted information, I think? I was panicking really bad because they kept pointing guns at my head. I got out pretty quick but it was bad for a long time. I didn’t want to leave my apartment. I mean I never do, really, but it was even worse.

I don’t know when I moved on. I think my sink broke and I was forced to leave the house, but moving isn’t the same as moving on, you know? Like you can run anywhere but it’s usually just running away. You have to face it.

S

~

Thanks for the advice. I really liked that last thing you said.

I don’t want to face them, though. I know I have to, but what if they take me again?

I’m sorry. These are my problems, not yours.

-M

~

Oh gosh I didn’t mean you have to face Xornoth!! No that sounds bad! They literally kidnapped and tortured you for like a month dude! Honestly forget what I said about the whole running away thing, you should really try to get away from this situation if you can. You shouldn’t feel responsible for Xornoth when they hurt you like that, let someone else deal with that! There are tons of supers in the city, just tell one of your friends that you don’t want to be involved with Xornoth and they’ll take care of it!

S

~

I’m the Primary Protector, though. It’s my job to face the city’s greatest threats, and Xornoth is one of them. I should be able to handle them.

I don’t want my friends to see me any differently. They already give me weird looks. I honestly wasn’t very badly hurt—I was mostly malnourished. They don’t understand why I’m not back in the game yet. I don’t know how to tell them.

I wish I could leave.

-M

~

:(( it sounds like you’re really struggling. Do you think you might have PTSD? You don’t have to answer that. But you should take your time! If it was anyone else, I think they’d have moved very far away to get away from the danger which is smart. It’s actually really upsetting that you can’t. Maybe you can work out like a code with your friends so that they can come in and handle Xornoth if they show up while you’re working? Honestly just the fact that they were able to kidnap you once means that there should be extra protection for you. Heck maybe I can do something.

If you need anything though I’m here. I don’t get it exactly but I kind of know what it’s like. I mean yeah I’ve been kidnapped before a couple of times but I know what it’s like to not want to go outside in general. To be scared of what could happen. Well you have other friends but I’m here to help if I can. I don't make promises ever because they never work out for me but I'm here.

S

~

Thank you for the offer. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to help.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, actually. I’m also readjusting to my antidepressants still, so my therapist thinks some of my anxieties come from the meds change and will even out in time.

I think I’ll do a public interview soon. I don’t want them to think that they’ve scared me away.

They’re dangerous. Please don’t endanger yourself. They experimented on me They might try to It isn’t worth the risk.

-M

~

The craziest fight happened downtown!

Okay so I was really just trying to get to the Planet Fitness to take a shower (I’m not homeless haha my shower is broken again) but Mythics was battling Pearl downtown and it was WILD. Like they were not pulling any punches, and I thought they were kind of friendly rivals but this was just crazy! But then the Oracle got involved? So the fight just kind of stopped when he touched them and then he left. I thought the Oracle was a villain but that was vigilante behavior if you ask me. I get it though, if I could’ve done that I would’ve. Like maybe he just needed to take a shower too.

Anyways my powers decided to make everything ten times worse like usual so a giant worm burst out of the ground. Maybe I should have let the Oracle touch me too so that I could join Mythics and Pearl on the ground crying. They’re fine btw some civilians dragged them out of the way of the worm. I was too busy trying to figure out a way to deal with the worm. I think Mythics woke up and magicked it into one of his portal things.

But anyways it was crazy. Well you probably already saw it on the news or something.

I hope the interview goes well!! How does that even work? Like does somebody come to your house or do you go to the news station or what? I'm assuming you've done a couple of interviews before idk.

S

~

I saw about the attack. You should look up ‘tired man throws phone at giant worm video’ if you haven't seen it.

For the interview, I reach out to a news outlet and set up an interview (or, more often, they reach out to me). Then we usually meet in a nice room in their office. I've done tons of interviews, you can find them on my twitter or on youtube.

I'm nervous about the interview. I tried to get a reporter I like but I just know that they'll ask me why I've been away. I don't want them to think I'm weak. It isn't your problem, anyways. I'll talk about it with my therapist.

Really though, you should watch that video.

-M

~

NOOO THAT'S SO BAD THAT SHOULD BE A CRIME

In my defense I was really tired and I just threw whatever was in my hand at the worm, I didn't realize it was my phone.

I've never given an interview before but man that sounds stressful. I hope it goes well! I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention me in it of course but you know that. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Also if it helps at all taking time off definitely doesn't make you weak. Sometimes it's even stronger to admit you need a break than to keep powering through. Especially after being held captive and tortured for a month.

Good luck again!!

S

P.S. your cat is super cute but maybe she shouldn't be outside? It's really dangerous for cats to live outdoors and I don't want to accidentally hurt her :((

~

Thanks for the kind words.

I can send you the link to the interview if you tell me your phone number. Or I can dm it to you on twitter—is the verified account actually you? The one that mostly shares scam links and random ip addresses?

Also I'm working on leash training Elle, so that we can go on walks and she can be an inside cat.

-M

~

I've tried to write this note like fifty times but the paper keeps tearing so I'll keep it short. My phone number changes a lot and I currently don't have a phone (giraffe again) but I'll just look it up when I get one! And yep that's my twitter, I try to delete the old pictures of me it posts but I gave up on when it posts my location.

Good luck again!

S

~

Why don’t you delete twitter?

-M

~

I did :( 

S

~

Solidarity, your life kind of sucks.

-M

~

You’ve got no room to talk, mister.

S

~

So that’s what it is, isn’t it? We’re just two losers.

-M

P.S. but, for the record, your life is way worse than mine.

~

Okay I’ve got a new phone and I watched the interview! You did incredible, I think I would’ve run away like two seconds in. Like even when they asked that one question about why you weren’t back to work when you’re pretty much physically all right, you really kept it together. I was genuinely so impressed.

Also you’re looking good! I don’t know how to explain it haha, but you look a lot better than you did on my living room floor. How are you doing? Do you think it went well?

S

~

I’d look a lot better in your bed Thanks for watching. It was hard. It was really hard. But I think it helped. I feel kind of better about getting back into it all. Not yet, but maybe soon.

Do you ever wish you’d chosen a different path in life?

-M

~

I never really had a choice to make.

S

P.S. but if I wasn’t powered, I think I’d want to do something with my hands. I used to think subways were the coolest thing ever. I wouldn’t mind learning how to fix a subway car.

~

I studied to be an architect. I loved city architecture. I wanted to design skyscrapers.

I didn’t ever plan to be a hero full-time, but I do like it. I enjoy my job. I’m famous, I live comfortably, I do cool stuff on TV.

But what if I would’ve been happier as an architect?

Sorry, this isn’t your problem. I should talk to my therapist about it.

-M

P.S. Maybe you can take a community college mechanics course?

~

I really can’t, cars tend to break down around me. I don’t even take Ubers anymore (not related to the car breaking-down thing, but because last time the driver held me at gunpoint and stole my phone and wallet).

Honestly mate, if you want to be an architect I'd say go for it. Even if it's only something you can do on the side you know? There's tons of people who never got the chance to do what they love. You deserve a good life.

S

~

Thanks. I'm sorry that you never got to choose. You deserve a good life, too.

I can't let Xornoth win. If I run away, it's defeat. If I don't do anything about it, they might hurt someone else.

I need to take care of this myself.

-M

~

That sounds like a suicide note.

S

~

Wouldn't be the first time.

-M

~

You should ask your friends for help. You don't have to do this alone. You shouldn't face them alone.

S

~

I haven't really talked to anyone since I got back. I know it isn't healthy but I can't. They don't get it. They don't know what Xornoth did to me. I can't let it happen to anyone else. They're a danger to the city and it's my duty to take them down. Alone.

I'm sorry.

-M

~

You aren't alone, okay? If you have no one else, you have me.

S

~

Thank you.

-M

P.S. it means so much to me. I consider you a friend. You have me, too.

~

I saw you on the news fighting the Engineers. You looked good! The fight went really well. How do you feel about it? Is there anything I can do to like support you?

S

P.S. Elle won't stop begging me for belly rubs but each time I try she nips my fingers :(

~

Hey are you doing all right? I mean you took a little bit of a hit in that fight so it's okay if you can't make it to my apartment to drop off a note haha. You can email me if it's easier awsumwingback8@yahoo.com.

S

~

Major please just like let me know that you're okay.

S

~

I may have broken into Blossom’s house (I meant to just knock but the door fell down) and she kicked my butt but she hasn't seen you in a while, she said. Are you okay? I'll break into your house next haha.

S

~

I know you told me not to write notes while I'm on your doorstep but if you don't open the door by tomorrow night I'm breaking in. Elle keeps trying to get me to follow her inside. I'm going to watch your house until tomorrow night, okay? You don't have to write back, just open the door.

I'll come for you.

S

P.S. I didn't mean to sound weird or creepy I mean I have your back. I'll come save you if they got you. 

I promise.

[amsgrey]

I judt found this draft/idea thing in my drafts from over two years ago (written before Little Sister Hugs) and i genuinely cracked up so much rereading it bc it would be really funny.

would anyone be interested in this?

Jay and hailey are busy with a case involving drug trafficking with military dudes or smth

you and will go out for dinner bc you get like n A+ in science or some shit and Will is all proud older brother

you get a call from Jay that the case is ramping up so he wont be home tonight and then ur like lit ill stay at wills i just gotta grab some stuff

you and will walk in and the house is like a mess and your like uh wtf

and will is like ok let me call jay or the cops or whatever

before he can he gets like smacked from behind like all those stupid movies

ur like o shit what the actual fuck

these big old dudes are in all black and holding like riffles bc intimidating and ur like :o

and ur standing in the kitchen so you do that really funny grab for the closest weapon and its like a pan that was waiting to dry or something entirely useless

theyre like yeah ok sure put it down u dimwit

u like stand over will being like feck off my brothers a cop

theyre like ha lol yeah we know we tryna find him where he at

ur like ha what i dont know? wouldn't have a clue

and theyre like ok then u come with us and ur like uh no sir

omg what if they chloroformed them that would be the funniest trope ever

jay is like workin the case being all undercover n shit and then he gets a call and its wills phone and hes like oh what did y/n do

will is like silent

jay is like yo whats up u alg

OR WHAT IF ITS LIKE WHAT THEY DID TO SAY WHERE THEY JUST SEND LIKE A SUPER FUCKING ANGSTY SHIT QUALITY VIDEO OF THEM LIKE BEATING WILL WHICH IS SUPER FUCKING NOT FUNNY BUT IS FUNNY TO IMAGINE THE UNO REVERSE FOR JAY

Jay immediately looses his mind and tries calling u like wheres will tf

obvi u dont answer and hes like this aint right

the team go to jays house and its all like torn apart but nothign like bad?

they call in the lab and the labs were like oh hey there's blood but they cleaned it? or smth

jay is spiralling and then they get anoter video of u? idk something else angsty

theyre like release our dude and give us back all the idk like guns and shit and voight is like ok well no way they let us do that

jay almost going cowboy cop

everyones like well this is great

you are like locked up by zipties bc criminals are stupid and you manage to like breakfree like a real mvp

u like find a gun or smth bc thats fun and free will

your all like well theres enough warehouses n creepy buildings in chicago for u to be anywhere so tf where we at

wills all leave me bc thats a funny trope and ur like shut the fuck up u dumbass

some military dude comes round the corner with his gun and sees u tryna walk with dead weight will and hes like? what are-

you shoot him bc badass bitch

he like fall down is all bloody and ur like o shit i just killed a man

will is like ya we gotta go ok like this shit serious fam

you walk around a corner and they all be sitting around in the big room and u and will are like oh hi guys

they all like point guns and ur like ah man we dead

but then!! intellegence is all out ur guns on the ground now! police things!

one of them like aims his gun but someone shoots his gUN bc i think thats the badassest thing ever and then he like has a bleeding hand and grabs u and knife to the throat thing bc trope central over here

no one has a clean shot so they all like omg dude let her go

do u get like seriously hurt? lowkey imagine like them dying and jay and will being like a mess ok thats way too dark but i like?

you either

die

get seriously maimed like idk loose a limb or smth idk

or ur unharmed and are like omg how am i not even bruised tf is this

depends on the level of angst idk

if anyone wants to ready this lmk i might actually write it

[unreliablesnake]

Is it in your DNA? (Phillip Graves x ofc)

Summary: Graves wants to find out who is his bio-dad. But when he finds out, the man isn’t exactly welcoming.

Note: Based on this post by @gravesrafe. You’re a genius, I hope you don’t mind that I wrote this. / The OFC is called April. / Maybe this is a part one. Idk. / The mistakes you might find in this are completely unintentional, I swear.

Until now, Phillip had been staying in his house, always keeping an eye on what was happening in the outside world and at Shadow Company, and getting ready for the perfect moment to return. His girlfriend kept him entertained most of the time, but when she left for a few days to visit her father who had just broken a leg, he realized that his thoughts could get quite wild when he was on his own.

She was really close to her dad, he had seen this several times with his own eyes, and this made him think. He never knew his father. His mother never talked about him, always avoided the topic when he asked, so around the age of twelve he gave up trying.

But now as an adult maybe it was time to find out. Maybe he could use his wealth and connections to hire the best private investigator available to find his father. So once he made up his mind, he made a few calls and soon found who he was looking for thanks to a friend.

“Thank you for coming here on such short notice,” said Phillip as they sat down in the living room.

The man flashed a polite smile at him as he leaned forwards on the sofa. “It's only natural, Mr. Graves, I know how busy you are, and it must be important.”

Clearing his throat, Phillip leaned back in the armchair and stretched his fingers on the armrest. “Well, it's a personal issue.”

“Your girlfriend?”

He couldn't help but laugh. He trusted her more than anyone, he didn't have a reason to start an investigation about her. “It's my father. I never knew him, but I think it's time to find him with your help,” he said after a short break.

The man thought for a second. “Is your mother still alive?” he asked.

“If you want to know if I’ve ever tried to ask her, then the answer is yes, I have. Several times. But she’s stubborn and doesn’t want me to know for some reason.”

“I see.”

That was all he said. Phillip thought he would refuse to work for him, saying it either wasn't worth his time or energy, or was a case that wasn't the kind he would normally pick to work on. But the silence stretched even longer, causing him to shift in his seat from the anxiety that was beginning to take over his mind.

And he wasn't the type to be anxious. The last time he felt that way had been a bit over a year ago, when his girlfriend got into a car accident. It was pure luck that he wasn't away on a mission at the time, so the moment he got the call from the hospital, he told everyone to man up and handle things without him for a week or two.

He wished April was there with him now. Just taking her hand, feeling the soft skin and warmth would have made him feel a lot better. But she wasn't here now, and he had to handle this on his own. After what felt like an eternity, he cleared his throat to prepare for the question that had been on his mind for a while.

“Have you even tried to find him on your own?” the man suddenly asked, surprising Phillip. “I know about your company, I'm sure you have the resources and connections to manage on your own.”

“I'd rather have someone else do it,” came the honest response.

The private investigator suddenly stood up and dusted off his dress shirt before straightening his tie. “All right. I'll get to work tomorrow and get back to you once I know something about him.”

“Thank you,” was all Phillip said as he shook his hand.

Two days after this conversation his girlfriend finally returned, and she was extremely interested in his sudden urge to find this father he had never known. As they were lying in bed with her head resting on his chest, she drew circles into his skin as she kept asking him questions about the man he hired.

“Do you think he will find your father?” she asked quietly.

Phillip gulped at the thought. It's not like he hadn't thought of the possibility of the private investigator failing to do this simple task. Because how hard could finding one man be? “I'm sure he will,” he replied eventually.

She rested her chin on his shoulder as she looked up at him. “You don't sound too sure,” she pointed out, to which he only responded with a groan. “Okay, okay, I'll let you off the hook.”

“Have you talked to your dad since you got home? Is he okay alone?” he asked before gently kissing the crown of her head.

A sigh left her lips, then she simply turned on her back and looked up at the ceiling. “You know how stubborn he can be. His neighbor offered to help, I offered to hire someone to help, but he keeps saying he can manage on his own,” April replied, her tone giving away that she was tired of her father’s nonsense.

He couldn’t blame her for feeling like this, after all he had gone through the same thing with his mother after she had a surgery. Sometimes he joked that they should be together, maybe this would benefit them, but he knew neither of them would be happy.

Days passed painfully slowly, each feeling longer than the last, making him believe the private investigator got to a dead end. But then his phone rang, and he saw his name on the screen. “I was beginning to think you found nothing,” he admitted after the suggestion to meet for dinner later that night.

Phillip didn’t want company, so he reserved a private room in a fancy restaurant he often took his girlfriend to. The man arrived on time, as if he had waited outside until the very last minute. “As I said on the phone, I have good news, Mr. Graves,” he began as they settled down. He took out a thin file that he set down between them. “I found your father, although I must warn you; he’s a very private man.”

“But you still found some things, right?”

“Yes. His name is Russell Adler,” he began as he opened the file and handed his client a photo from the top. “He works for the CIA. I had to pull a few strings to get this information, but I’m positive that this is the case.”

As he picked up the picture, Phillip took a good look at the man. He looked similar to him, even had a nasty scar on his face like he did. Well, his scar apparently wasn’t nasty, at least his girlfriend always said she loved it about his face. A smile crept on his face at the thought of her, but he quickly regained his composure and looked up at the other man.

“How in the hell did my mother meet someone like him?” he asked, already afraid that the answer would be a drunken night out.

“Your mother lived in the same building for a short time. I don’t exactly know the full story, but they had a fleeting relationship,” he explained. “From what I’ve heard, your mother never told him she was pregnant. He went on a mission, disappeared for months, then by the time he returned, your mother was already gone from that apartment building.”

The Shadow put down the photo and reached for the whole file instead. “So my mom didn’t want him to know, huh? I wonder why that is.”

“He’s… difficult. I talked to a few people he used to know, and they all said the same thing. He lived for his job. He’s known for being a true patriot, always putting the best interest of this country before his own.”

“Sounds just like you,” his girlfriend noted when he told her everything later that night. They were sitting on the couch with her head on his thighs, his hands buried into her hair as they talked. “Do you want to meet him?”

“I don’t know,” Phillip admitted. “He has no idea I exist. And if he was already working for the CIA when Mom got pregnant, then he could have easily found her after he returned from that mission. But he didn’t care enough to look for her.”

April reached for his hand that was resting on his stomach and raised it to her lips. “But what if he would be glad to find out he has a son? You’re successful, intelligent, and so stupidly handsome.” He couldn’t help but laugh at this. “You should give it a try.”

The smile that stayed on his lips grew wider when she sat up and turned around to kiss him. If his men knew how smitten he was with her at home, they would probably make jokes about him behind his back. But he didn’t care, not as long as they were together. She made him a better person, made him see things in a different light most of the time.

Even now she managed to convince him to meet that man. “But you’re coming with me,” he told her before kissing the tip of her nose.

And so a few days later they were sitting in a rental car outside the man’s house. Phillip was gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white, but he loosened up a little when she put a hand on his shoulder to give it a gentle squeeze.

“Listen, I know I said you should do this, but if you changed your mind–”

He shook his head immediately. “No, no, it’s okay, I’m ready.”

She didn’t find him convincing enough, but she nodded nonetheless. They got out of the car and walked up to the front door, which to their surprise opened before they could even knock. There was the man from the photos right in front of them, eyeing the pair with a suspicious look on his face.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Adler,” Phillip said with a nod.

“Do we know each other?”

He took a deep breath before pulling out an old photo of his mother from the inner pocket of his jacket. “Do you know her? Her name is Mary Graves,” he said, carefully examining the man’s facial expressions. There was a glint in his eyes, something that told him he recognized her. “So?”

Adler let out a sigh, his eyes narrowing. “Don’t be mistaken, I know who you are, Mr. Graves. The Shadow himself,” he began. “I assume that woman is your mother.”

“You never answered my question.”

“I used to know her, yes,” the older man said as he folded his arms over his chest. “Based on your possible age and the time I knew her, my best guess is that you believe I’m your father.”

“I hired someone to look into this issue, he was the one who found you. Look, I know it was my mother who left, and she never said anything bad about my father. She just… avoided the topic, especially after moving in with my stepfather,” Phillip explained as he put away the photo that was given back to him. “All I want is to get to know my bio-dad.”

As Adler took a better look at the man who claimed to be his son, Phillip absentmindedly reached out to take his girlfriend’s hand, fingers tightly laced with hers while they waited. “You’ll need a DNA test to prove this,” he finally spoke up.

Phillip couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped his lips. “Of course. I was expecting this answer,” he said eventually. “I’ll arrange everything, you just have to be at home when they come for the sample if you agree.”

After a nod, the man turned to look at the woman on his alleged son’s side. “And who is she?” he asked.

“My girlfriend. She was the one who convinced me to come and talk to you.”

“I’m April,” she said with her usual kind smile as she extended a hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

For the first time since they arrived, Adler’s lips curled into a smile. “Likewise. But as pleasant as this conversation is, I’d rather not invite you in yet. Let’s wait for the result of that test,” he said, his expression gradually turning into a condescending one as he turned to the other man again.

Phillip nodded. “That’s understandable. They will give you a call to arrange an appointment. See you later if the test proves it’s true. If not, then this is the last time you see me.”

“Have a nice trip back home,” was all he said before closing the door.

The two of them got back in the car, and Phillip began to drive towards the airport without saying a word. His girlfriend tried to talk, first about neutral things, like what they should eat for dinner or how they could go and spend the following weekend in his lake house. But he didn’t seem interested in any of these topics so she gave up and stepped back to give him some time to figure out how to say what was on his mind.

And sure enough, about half an hour later he licked his lips and said, “I can’t believe that guy. He didn’t even want to get to know me. He didn’t even consider being my real father, he denied everything.”

“He didn’t deny anything, honey,” April began as she reached out to take his hand. “You wouldn’t invite some stranger into your home only because they claim to be your son. He just wants to see the result of the test first. Once you’re proven right, he’ll be more cooperative.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I know I’m right,” she said with a laugh, earning a warm look and a kiss on the back of her hand in return. “He’ll come around. Don’t worry.”