#I've tried before in the past and was met with verbal attacks

[rowanwiccae]

I so deeply appreciate this post and explanation of a very real and very pervasive mentality that has absolutely been spreading on sites like here and insta and now even tiktok (I don’t have tiktok for reasons but I have several friends who do and they often share posts with me that I’ve had to explain are misinformed or outright wrong). 

Nuance, context, understanding of the time period of which books are written are so vital and recognizing how time and social construct reshapes our ideas and influences new authors is just as important. (not to mention several old school authors who’s works changed and reshaped as modern ideas reshaped our pagan ideas today. Buckland was known for being very social in witchy circles and learning and sharing all sorts of new information in his museum right up until his death not even a full 6 years ago). Critical thinking skills were important in grade school, why would they not be so for the media you consume outside the classroom? If you can read classic stories like Alice in Wonderland or H.P. Lovecraft’s short stories and be totally unbiased about a literal p***phile for an author or outright fascist sympathizer and misogynist who wrote your fave spooky stories but can’t handle Buckland’s big blue book of outdated gender stereotypes from the mid 80s then u seriously got some internal reflection to consider.

Death of the author is a subject that comes up often as a reason to excuse older texts and authors or absolve them of their own checkered pasts rather than acknowledging that not everything we read is pure or untainted by the author’s reputation. But some people are just not as bad as others. There are just some things like outdated stereotypes and no-longer recognized sexism that just doesn’t compare when it comes to social harm of modern authors who spread very real fascist propaganda or wish harm onto POC or LGBTQ communities. Cunningham, Gardner, Buckland, (1 gay man, 1 bisexual man and 1 supposed straight man who was also a nudist) these aren’t your bad guys, at least, these aren’t authors who are going to hurt you or force you into a state of helplessness or harm with their written works. If you can read their works critically and understand the NUANCE of the subject, ur a better researcher than those writing blacklists without context.

The uselessness of Witchcraft Author "Blacklists"

Every once and a while I see a "Witchcraft Author Blacklist" either in the tags or getting passed around here on Tumblr, and never in my life have I thought it was a remotely useful thing.

Because every single time, they lack and semblance of nuance. Like yesterday I ran across one that literally equated Scott Cunningham with Stephen Flowers. Yes, Cunningham, a person who wrote some things that need to be read critically is, apparently, as bad as a literal fucking Nazi whose books help fund the AFA.

Like are there Cunningham books I wouldn't recommend? Absolutely. Should most of his works be read with a critical eye and take into account the state of the community and available information when he was writing them? Yes. But... like... there's a huge fucking difference between these two things.

Also, this list claimed because Cunningham wrote about Wicca his works were somehow homophobic. Have there been homophobic Wiccans? Of course - but Cunningham, an openly gay man, was not one of them.

Additionally, there are people who get included on these lists where I wouldn't recommend anyone read their books to learn witchcraft per se, but their works have important historical significance.

Like Gerald Gardner - should anyone learn from Gardner? Fuck no. His works are full of misinformation and outright bullshit. But it literally is where the modern witchcraft movement was birthed, so there is value in understanding where we came from.

Aleister Crowley falls into this category too - harder even. Crowley was gross as heck, but how can you understand what in the modern community is still descended from his works or propagating his gross ideas... if you're unfamiliar with his works?

Also, he's super dead, so it's not like he's benefiting from someone reading his stuff.

It's just so deeply frustrating that people make these lists to start with. Like, I have written or talked about how certain authors should be avoided -- but I always do my best to include context, reasons, and explanations why. I will specifically explain why I don't think they're valuable to read. Making a laundry list where you make unsourced or unexplained claims about a huge list of people doesn't help someone understand what might be wrong with them.

Also, my recommendations are usually about how a new witch shouldn't read their work, because it's about not having the experience to see what is and isn't bullshit in what they read yet. They don't have that baseline yet. That doesn't mean that some of these books might not be significant or worth reading at some point in their journey. Just not at the start of it.

It's just... a complete lack of nuance. Like I don't recommend Silver Ravenwolf because her books are, frankly, poorly researched and bad. I don't recommend Stephen Flowers because he's a fuckin' overt WHITE SUPREMACIST whose publications have been used to fund the AFA. These are not the same. When we pretend that they are, we are doing a massive disservice to all of us.

It... it honestly feels like Christian purity culture repackaged. If you can't handle nuance, I don't think you can really handle that much witchcraft to start with. The world isn't black and white -- there are overt evils out there, but most everything else is a shade of gray and pretending otherwise is poisonous.

[whimsiandwild]

Pairing: Astarion x Female!reader; Former Gortash x Female!reader

Word Count: 1400

Triggers [PLEASE READ]: Mentions of past abuse, panic attacks, PTSD, verbal abuse, implied non-consensual, hurt/comfort, some fluff at the end.

A/N [PLEASE READ]: So, this is coming from a very personal place upon some revelations I've had today. It's heavy so please don't feel obligated to read it. And please, please don't read it if you are triggered by any of the above; I know how hard it is to deal with this stuff on a daily basis and never want to be the cause for anyone. To anyone who does read it, thank you <3

“Tav, are you alrighht? What’s wrong?”

Icy fingers on your shoulder made you jump, grabbing the offending limb and shoving it off. Spinning around, Astarion grabbed the top of your arms to still you. The concern on his face had never been more genuine.

“Darling, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Your smile didn’t reach your eyes and he frowned, taking your hand in his and linking your fingers as he led the party into Wrym’s Rock. He knew something was wrong, and that it had something to do with the man you’d all been summoned by, he just didn’t know why. Gods, you’d always hoped you’d never have to tell him.

There had been telltale signs that he’d recognised as the two of you grew closer, similar things that occurred in him when a particularly awful memory of Cazador resurfaced. He’d asked about it, but you’d always told him it was nothing. Just a bad memory you didn’t need to dwell on. And you hadn’t, not really. Sure, the trauma attached was still there but you could handle it, you had for years. But then you’d seen him before the fight with Ketheric Thorm. A man you’d hoped to never see again, now being ordained archduke of Baldur’s Gate.

The guards showed you into the ceremony hall, your hand sweating in Astarion’s grip as you began the long walk down the aisle; it felt like a lifetime, a force beyond your control forcing your legs to move. You couldn’t look up, feeling bile rise in your throat as you stared at the carpet. Everything you’d worked so hard to forget was coming back to hit you full force. You wanted to hurl, and cry, and scream, and run away. Mostly, you wanted to hurt him. Hurt him the way he’d constantly hurt you, but you knew that was a line you’d never be able to cross.

“Well, well, well. Look what’s been dragged back into my home.”

Your legs almost gave out beneath you, his voice still as charming and alluring as ever, your free hand clinging to your vampire’s shirt sleeve. Astarion had become more than a little concerned by this point, Lae’zel and Gale flanking the two of you.

“Still as ignorant and disobedient as ever,” he scoffed, and you felt Astarion tense beside you, your grip only tightening in an attempt to keep him by your side. “Look at me when I’m speaking!”

Without a moment’s hesitation, your head snapped up and you were staring into the all too familiar eyes of Enver Gortash. Still handsome as ever, and with that vicious glint in his eyes that always occurred when he looked at you, at his property.

He’d been Enver Flymm when you’d first met him. He hadn’t been the most loving of partner’s, but he showed it… in his own way. Soon, however, he got lost. Then Enver Gortash was born. An abusive tyrant who had put you through hell until you’d finally managed to escape. You could still remember that nigt. The way your wrists had bled as you’d tried desperately to break free of your restraints, the painful swelling around your eye and the deep gashes along your legs. The scars seemed to flame against your skin at the memory.

You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t breathe. Why was breathing so hard? How was everyone so seemingly fine? Astarion was staring at you in bewilderment, worry etched into his furrowed brow. You didn’t know what to say, couldn’t think of the words to convey the fear that was threatening to bubble over any minute and make you run screaming.

“Your manners clearly need improvement,” Gortash sneered, his hard, cold gaze never leaving your cowering figure. “Now, it seems we all have some things to discuss, regarding all this ridiculous Absolute business. However, I have a ceremony to begin. You will stay and watch, won’t you, kitten?”

The use of the old pet name he’d used to degrade you was enough to finally break your resolve. Bursting into tears, the last thing you saw as your companions dragged you away was his smug, arrogant smile.

His hands were everywhere. You tugged at your hands but, as always, the bonds were tight and unbreakable. Panic began to flood your veins as he grabbed at you too tightly, bit too harshly, moved your body too roughly. And there was nothing you could do but lay there and let it happen.

“I don’t see why you’re being so difficult, kitten. You’re normally much more compliant.”

Tears leaked from the corners of your eyes and wet your hair, shaking your head in denial. He was lying, you knew he was, but it still caused the same guilt and shame to flare up it always did. He was always so good at making you believe you were the problem, the one who’d done wrong. He’d done it so many time you almost believed him.

With a sharp tug at both your knees, he spread your legs as wide as he could, the sudden jolt of pain shooting up your thighs making you cry out in agony. One hand freed a leg but you weren’t brave enough to move it back. He used his now free hand to run against your core, smirking as he glanced in satisfaction at the slick on his fingers.

“You filthy little bitch. All this protesting and you’re already dying to have me.”

“Enver,” you begged, your lip trembling as he towered over you suddenly. “Please don’t.”

“Shut up!” he shouted, making you flinch and look away. He gripped your chin and forced your tearful eyes to stare at him. “You’ll take it, and you’ll enjoy it.”

You struggled against him as he lined himself up, screaming as he entered you with no care in the world for your wellbeing…

The screaming got louder and louder to your ears until you realised you’d screamed yourself awake, along with your poor partner. Astarion was bewildered as his hands cupped your wet face in an attempt to calm you. You were panting by the time you’d realised you’d been dreaming, your heart close to breaking out of your chest.

“Darling, what happened? What’s wrong?”

“Oh gods… he…. he-!”

You sobbed into your hands, unable to finish your sentence as he cradled you, embracing you for however long you needed him to. Eventually your tears stopped falling, though the ache in your chest wouldn’t fade, no matter how hard you tried to rid yourself of it.

Astarion was more quiet and patient than you’d ever remembered seeing him. He was clearly deep in thought, and you didn’t want to disturb him. Instead, you wrapped yourself around him and enveloped yourself in every aspect that was him. He was your safe space, and you needed to relish in that right now.

“I have to ask, darling,” he said quietly after a long while. “This Gortash,” He all but spat the word. “Did he… did he treat you as Cazador treated me?”

Nodding, you buried your face into his chest as his grip on you tightened. You were relieved he hadn’t asked you to elaborate; you didn’t think you’d ever be able to speak out loud the horrendous things that man had done.

“Tav, please know this, and know it to be true,” His fingers tilted your chin so you were gazing into his liquid crimson eyes. “If he comes near you again, if he merely looks at you, I will rip him to pieces, revive him, and do it all over again. You never need to tell me details; I’m sure I can understand well enough; but know I’m here. I won’t let anyone hurt you like that ever again. I… I love you, darling.”

Breaking down, you let him hold you for the rest of the night, your head on his chest as he comforted you with words of love and soft touches. Sniffing, you dried your face, and sat up on your elbows, staring down at him.

“I… thank you, Astarion,” you whispered, pressing a hard kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

He said nothing, just flashing you that charming smile of his before he pulled you back to him, holding onto you like his livelihood may depend on it. You stayed like this for as long as time would allow, and you’d never felt safer.

[justsomerandomfanfic]

Murder Mystery: 7/4/23

Evidence: #1 | #2 | #3 | #4 | #5 | #6 | #7 | #8 | #9

Hello Fellow Detectives!

Sorry for the late update!

We brought in Eliza and Henry in for further questioning about the fight. Here's what we got.

Eliza; She recounted the fight and practically repeated the same information that we got from Kate, though she made it out to seem that the victim started it.

Henry; He said the same as Kate as well, it was a mostly verbal fight, and he did try and stop Eliza from yelling at the victim, he even held her back when Eliza tried to attack the victim.

When we asked Henry if there was a chance that Eliza had anything to do with the victim's death, but he said that there was no way. "Even though Eliza is tough around the edges, she is the sweetest woman I've ever met."

When we spoke to Eliza in the interrogation room, she asked if we were accusing her of the victim's death, and we denied her claims, stating, "We are not accusing you of anything, we just need to find some answers, and you and your boyfriend could help us."

She then denied any further questions.

On other news,

Miss Alicia Brown was found missing yesterday. Half the reason why this post is late was because we were trying to get more information on this newest victim.

The family of Miss Brown say that they hadn't spoken to their daughter since June 22nd. They had spoken on the phone that day in which their daughter revealed that she felt like she was being watched and that she was scared for her life.

We then found out that she was the one who had called on the payphone, since it turns out that she also called her family on the payphone as well, something along the lines of not trusting her phone.

Her family also spoke, when we spoke to them, that Alicia told them that in her freshman year at the school, someone there had gotten ahold of her number and had been stalking her. Though they stopped three months before Maddison Dean, the victim, was found murdered.

We suspect that the person who killed Maddison Dean may be responsible for Alicia Brown's disappearance, and we hope that we can find her before it's too late.

We have collected a small list of peers that Alicia had been in contact with for the past month before she disappeared yesterday. All of these people are in her one class, Philosophy. Their names are listed below, in order of their photo placement.

Travis Richardson, Summer Holden, Jessie Meyers, Natalia McClure, Troy Borris, Will Herman, Nicolas Caldwell, Christine Howe, Marion Henderson, Mabel Gray and Calvin Slater.

We had also found out, by a call from Heidi, Maddison Dean's best friend, that she is worried her brother Zavier had something to do with both Maddison and Alicia's murder/disappearance. She claims that her brother used to date Alicia two years ago, and after their breakup, he then tried to date Maddison a few months later, but she denied his advances.

All of this new information is very interesting.

What do you think of all of this? What should we do next?

--------

@micheleamidalajedi @eatmyshortsz666 @justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms @doctoriletyougotogalaxy @marinette-the-clarinet @howlermonkey69

Scratched out means Tumblr won't let me tag you. :(

[plasma-studios]

What if Finch had accepted Katherine's deal? | Part 1

Finch:

"Just say the word..." Katherine smiled, toying with the fountain pen on the desk. Was that what she'd make me use to sign this contract? Or would she ask for it in blood?

"You really think you've found a Necromancer who's powerful enough?"

I hated myself for asking. But didn't I owe this, a second chance at life, to someone who only tried to do the same for me ten times over?

She would never forgive you for this. Have you completely lost it?! "I'd rather die a thousand times than let you have what you want."

I was lying. Adley...

The thought of her cold, stiff body locked away in a coffin, prosecuted for crimes that he committed-

"Aw, having a panic attack, dear?"

"..No..."

I couldn't hide the tremor in my voice.

Harley will never forgive you. She will never see you the same way.

Pfft, more like will always see you the same way. I doubt she ever saw past your crimes completely, only grew desperate enough to filter it through a lens of sympathy. Crunch.

"Kenneth, can you bring the prisoner in?" I didn't want to see, they probably got Harley and threw in a few punches but I needed to anchor myself before I lost it. In Katherine's office? Might as well drown yourself in the aquarium.

It wasn't Harley. It was Wade.

Still, he threw in a couple hits. Knowing Kenneth, he did that after Wade had been clapped in irons.

"You should never underestimate my determination, Finch. I've always got backup plans. Even my backup plans have backup plans. See, I always win, one way or another."

She leaned in.

"You bitch." All the fight drained out of me. It was over. Harley wouldn't do a thing, let alone get off this cursed homeland while Wade was imprisoned here.

"Tell you what, Finch," Katherine seemed to pick up on his defeat, "Let's see whether she cares enough about Wade to come back for him. Let's see whether she cares about him like Adley would for you." So what are you going to do? I had two options; surrender or do something insane. Unfortunately, insanity ran in the blood.

I had to agree to this. I reached the crux of my decision, and slowly opened my mouth (as if it could prevent the words from spilling out of my mouth)-

Naima rushed in.

"She has escaped, Eris. Harley is gone. We cannot find her." I got a rare look at a bewildered Katherine and stifled a laugh. Okay, I could hold on for a little while.

Harley:

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

The first word tumbled out off my mouth-

Wait.

Why was Katherine peering at Finch like that? ...

"Finch." He flinched.

"Finch..." Her voice seemed to hide a warning.

"Attack her, for hell's sake!" Tatayana(?) shouted.

But Finch didn't move.

"Finch?" I asked.

"...We haven't made the deal. I'm...I'm not with you yet..." Katherine let out a ripple of laughter. "My sweet, sweet boy, did you really think I would wait for your agreement? I bound you to me. Your lack of verbal refusal sealed it."

My eyes slowly moved to Finch. He couldn't hide the paleness.

Everyone else was staring (and glaring) at him.

His eyes only met mine.

"I'm sorry. She said if I returned to her, she would bring back Adley." ...

Despite everything, I still felt a smidge of pity for my brother. But right now, I let the Darkness creep into me. I was going to summon Erebus, then I would deal with Finch.

-

@ahecktonoffandomsinoneblog

[alvie-pines]

you're right, i did phrase this too aggressively. i also didnt consider that the people with those takes might be victims themselves--i only saw people "siding with" their favorite character.

full disclosure, i was extremely frustrated because i was over the moon to see earthspark's portrayal of abuse and felt it had a nuance and take on it that i never got to see & that was really beneficial to me as a survivor, so coming on tumblr and seeing several posts about the new episodes saying it was awful and they wish they never even brought up starscream's abuse made me feel shitty. (i think yours was one of them, but i think i saw others too)

but i should not have channeled my frustration into such a targeted post & i should have thought on it more before saying anything.

now to the more personal part:

like i said, i am a victim--two abusers, physical, verbal, medical, emotional. for me, one of my abusers is my biological mother. she is highly concerned with looking like a good parent, and always trying to put on a show of having "changed" even though the changes are usually surface-level at best. YEARS of my teenage life have been spent feeling guilty for not "accepting" her changes and coming back to her with an open heart after being hurt time and again. i say this to set the scene for my reaction to starscream & megatron's relationship.

in tfe, megatron is supposed to be redeemed. he's become a better person, a kinder person, and tried to leave his past as a tyrant behind. starscream, however, still holds bitterness towards him for the way he was treated. we don't know the extent of it, but looking at other universes, we can guess physical and verbal abuse.

but here's the thing that stuck with me: at the end, megatron offers starscream a safe place under his watch. starscream says "no place is safe if its with you," and leaves to find his own safety, with his seekers. megatron lets him go. nobody judges starscream for not wanting to be around megatron even though he has changed greatly since they last met. and megatron seems accepting of the fact that starscream doesn't want to see him. megatron was allowed to grow and change by the narrative, but at the same time, the narrative never condemned starscream for not being comfortable with him or liking him.

for me, that was HUGE, and i never get to see it because if abusers are redeemed in media their victims are pretty much always expected to forgive them. i never get to see a victim go "maybe you have changed, but i am keeping my distance anyways because you hurt me and im not over it" and be RESPECTED by both the characters and the narrative.

i said before that my mom's changes have usually been surface-level, but there has been at least one thing she has genuinely gotten a little better at, and i've always felt awful for not throwing myself right back into her jaws as a show of gratitude that she had the mind to work on herself a bit.

earthspark showing that megatron DID genuinely change (though maybe not completely--he did still attack starscream--and i still think that was a case of old dynamics being pulled up as shorthand for a stressful situation & not fully reflective of who he is now and how he treats people now) but starscream's decision to stay away from him is STILL completely valid & his anger and hurt are completely valid even if his abuser is trying to better himself whether genuinely or at a surface level, that does so much for me as a victim, and i was overjoyed because again, i so rarely get to see a take like this.

and like i said earlier, going into the tag all excited only to see posts saying "i wish they never even brought up starscream's abuse" felt like an attack on me, making me feel like if i were to speak on my abuse and experience, which is similar, people would wish i hadnt. that wasnt an excuse for portraying those takes as different from mine on the basis of me being a survivor and other posters presumably not being, or for taking an aggressive tone about it. i didnt really expect anyone to see or respond to this post, but i should have known better since people are trawling the earthspark tag right now for reactions to the new episodes.

more thoughts:

ive been seeing people saying they dont want megatron, as an abuser, to be redeemed, especially in a kids show, and that frustrates me because look, i think kids need to know that the people who hurt them CAN change and that also DOES NOT mean they have to go with them again. because if you dont get that message, you will either spend your whole life looking for reasons they havent actually changed at all, or you will put yourself back into a situation you dont want to be in out of guilt. (which might still be unsafe or emotionally damaging, both because changing in one area doesnt mean all areas, and because just being around an abuser again can be traumatic.)

sorry, this is very long. i just woke up and wanted to apologize and explain my view.

TLDR; im sorry for overreacting, i was hurt by the idea that starscream's abuse was better left unexplored than explored in this way, which matches my experiences and was something i really needed to hear right now. i should have taken some time to cool off before posting. due to my own situation it was really important for me to see megatron changing as a person side-by-side with starscream not being ready to forgive him & having starscream's decision respected by the narrative, and its a portrayal that i feel like i rarely get to see, so i was protective over it.

people are already posting bad takes about episode 21. head in hands

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Three [PT. 1]

Words: 3k

Warning(s): explicit language, drug abuse

Tag List: @unknownoblivion  @edwardtriggerhandzz  @haileynicoleseavey17  @cierrasixx19  @oskea93  @mgkobsessed  @sharon6713  @itsametaphorbriansblog  @miriampraez  @allie-mcginn @xpoisonousrosesx  @rebeccaphillips14  @nicholeh7 @lilmou5ie  @emariehorror  @divaanya  @6ixx6ixx  @ratedrkohardychick91  @floregrohlssard  @oldschoolimagineblog  @abaldboi  @liith-ium  @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels  @ytwahsog  @scarecrowmax  @random-internet-user-4471  @solohqrry  @sparxx27  @kaitieskidmore1  @cruecifymesixx    @meetthesixxter    @arianareirg  @gingerspicetalks

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LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

NIKKI

1987

I throw another drink back not long after yelling obscurities at Viv as she stomped out of VIP to leave and go home, between more lines of blow, a trip to the bathroom to get a fix and some drinks, we decide to take the party to Steven's new place. 

"You guys just can't be too loud, though, got it?" He says as sternly as he can as we get inside and he fumbles for his key. 

"Alright, alright, alright," I mumble, stepping inside, grabbing his bottle of Jack off the counter before getting comfortable on the floor by the window. 

We all talk--as best we can--for a little while, Steven and the boys making some calls to get some dealers here, and the only thing on my mind is getting a potent fix, until I hear something...very faint, very familiar...very, very, familiar...I furrow my brows to focus more, ignoring the guys' laughter and voices, my eyes training on the wall opposite of me. 

My subconscious puts it together before my conscious does, like smelling a blanket from a childhood home and immediately being taken back before your brain can quite grasp the feeling. 

Multiple memories shrouding that sound of Vivian that only she can really pull off. 

It doesn't take rocket science equation solving skills to put together why I'm currently hearing her soft, pretty moans carry on next door. 

I'm pretty sure more members of Guns, aside from Steven, are staying here right now. 

Apparently Stevie hears it not long after and slips into the next suite, where the sound is coming from, that's connected to his suite. 

I don't hear it anymore after he gets back in here. 

"Dealer's coming or what?" I ask Steven, my high starting to get blowed from the fact that my wife is next door on her back for someone who isn't me. 

I'd be jealous if I weren't numb to it by now.

"They're all tied up, man." Steven tells me and I groan, thinking for a second. 

An idea comes to mind that makes me want to bang my head against the wall, but I'm desperate and left with no option at this point. 

"I know a guy," I mumble, dragging myself up to the phone in the little kitchen area, reluctantly dialing a number I never wanted to dial again. 

It rings once...twice...three times… 

"Hello?" He answers and I roll my eyes. 

"'Sup man, it's Nikki." I reply, trying to put on my best "friendly" voice, even though it's making my blood boil that the bastard I could see myself killing is ultimately the one that's gonna be able to save the day. 

"Hey, dude." He replies. 

"Me and a few buddies of mine are out here at the Franklin Plaza Suites and need a few things." I rub the back of my neck. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." 

It's quiet, and he reluctantly breathes out. 

"I'll see what I can do." I can hear the satisfaction in his voice that I'm having to call him. 

Within the next forty minutes there's more people here than I'm comfortable with, groupies, and hangerson, and other drug adoring morons, and then my saving grace comes through the door once Steven lets him in. 

Slash is already slipping into a Jack induced stupor. Sally came in a few minutes ago screaming at all of us guys for leaving her at the Cat House. 

We didn't even realize we'd forgotten her. 

She's in the bathroom, probably keeping herself in there to keep from starting an argument with Slash in front of everyone. 

Robbin's on the phone with Laurie.

Apparently it's just in men's nature to get fucked up, call our wives, and profess our undying love for them despite the fact we cheat on them nearly every time we hangout with our friends. 

I wonder what would happen if I went in there on her and Duff right now. 

What would she say? 

Probably nothing. 

She'd just look at the floor and try not to cry, probably. 

What would I do? 

I know that I know what's going on between them, but if I actually walked in and saw them together, caught in the act…

I'd either be a pussy and cry over it, or kill them both--him first and make her watch, and then just slowly torture her or something. God, I'm fucked up. Even though I'm pretty sure being married to me is torture enough to her. 

I know it's torture to me, too. 

"Here dude," Sparkie hands me a syringe and a spoon, and I look at him, too out of focus to concentrate on getting it right. 

"Fix me." I say to him and he scoffs. 

"Okay, dude." He starts getting it ready and I look at that wall again. Staring at it, taking a sip of my drink. 

Fucking Vivian. 

Of course. Her. Of all the women I've hooked up with and dated in my life, she--the most harmless, at least in my dumbfuck mind when I first met her--is the one to screw me over like this. 

And I've let her. 

If I did what Vince does to Sharise and have that whole, "no hanging out with your boy friends without me" rule, this wouldn't even be an issue. 

That's the problem. Somewhere along the way I loosened her leash a little too much and now she's chewed her way through it entirely. 

"You look like you're in hell, you know," Sparkie tells me, fixing the tourniquet around my arm… "But that's okay, you're about to be in heaven in just a few seconds." He assures me. 

I know he's right. I just need to hang on to that. 

In just a few seconds, I'll be--

I hear Vivian, again, and I reach around my neck and grab onto her cross I've been wearing for weeks, now, squeezing it at the sting of the needle going into my skin. 

I feel him shoot me up, my mind waiting to chase and catch the high that I just know is about to come. 

My fingers slip from the crucifix, and I feel myself fall back before a weightless feeling washes over me.

Present

I keep rereading the damn paper, repeatedly, trying my hardest not to throw a fit...

Nikki Sixx and his wife, Vivian, recently confirmed that she is indeed pregnant issuing a simple and straightforward,"Yes, it's true," statement earlier this week through Nikki's manager, and--as speculated--her pregnancy is not with Nikki. Many fans and some friends of the couple are blown out of the water by this sudden turn of events, others who are familiar with the rockstar and his band but never really paid much attention to his personal relationships, are now curious as to who exactly Vivian Sixx is. Well, in an open letter, rumored to be intended for print in Rolling Stone, a few anonymous former roadies of Mötley Crüe--who partook on their Girls, Girls, Girls, tour in 1987--are here to introduce who they saw behind the scenes of flashing cameras and public sweet moments with husband Nikki. 

"This is a letter to Mötley Crüe fans, we're a mere handful of people out of the many who witnessed monstrosities behind the scenes while on tour with the Crüe since Summer of 1987, none of which were caused by the band or any members, themselves, but one woman in particular. We had no reason to really bring any of this up, but in light of recent news, we are disheartened and angered of the betrayal against one of the four men who gave us an opportunity to live several months in our lives that will forever impact us in the best way known, and provide heartwarming memories by the dozen. This is not an attack on Nikki Sixx, especially given his past struggles with opioid addiction, alcoholism, as well as his abusive wife. The first time we met Vivian, she was polite and friendly, but very assertive. It was obvious it would be her way or no way,  and often times she and Nikki would go back and forth with who was running things. It was obvious Nikki was unwell at times, whether it'd be hungover, sick from withdrawal or simply tired from a show the night before. Vivian would choose these times when he was at his most exhausted to pick fights with him. He'd tell her to go away or 'f**k off,' and she'd continue to verbally and mentally beat him down more than he clearly already was. When Rolling Stone came to interview the band shortly after the wild rumor Vanity started publicly, we were told Vivian had tried to physically attack the reporter working on the story, simply because he made the comment that Pepsi wasn't good for her. Small things like that would often set her off, leaving security, managers, and band members to try to dodge fists while pulling her off of her unsuspecting victim, who was typically Nikki. Many times we'd hear them arguing in the hotel rooms, dressing rooms, bathrooms, tour bus, etc., usually followed by sounds of what we can only describe as 'pitchy, hungry, pornstar moans' on her part--clearly using her body to get back in his good graces after wearing him down. After their fights, Nikki would always have a bottle of alcohol on hand, some kind of drug, and would keep to himself. Our comradery with him soon began to dwindle with each month because it was obvious she was beginning to suck the life out of him. He was more introverted overtime, and higher more often than he was at the beginning of the tour. It really got bad when Guns N' Roses came on tour for a month, because Vivian's attacks on him and the other members of Mötley Crüe, began to pop off as randomly and explosively as fireworks. We'd witness some foul exchange (brought on by Vivian)  between her and Nikki backstage, either verbal or physical, nearly every night. People can talk down on the Crüe for being bad boys, but they've shown everybody that's helped them on tour, gratitude. All the wives and girlfriends that would come on that we'd offer food and drinks to would always express gratitude with a smile and a warm heart, but Vivian would always stay silent and cold towards us. She's a trashy, bitchy, whiney, hateful, spiteful, conniving, plotting python that now has her cold-blooded grasp around not only Nikki's neck, but also Duff's. Her game is to find the most well rounded guys while maintaining under her guise that she's a kind, Christianly woman, and see how far she can push them until they work themselves to death, literally, with trying to please her. We aren't surprised that she's pregnant, she probably video taped herself conceiving the damn thing and sent it to Nikki. We hope she did so it can be practice  for her inevitable low-budget porn career when she runs out of rockstars to f**k and kill, as we've mentioned, she already sounds like one in the throws of passion. Anyway, Nikki, we're hoping you decide to kick her aside and start fresh. Duff, get a paternity test, dude. Crüe fans, don't let that red-headed bitch fool you."

"Who the hell is Page Six to give these bastards a platform in the first place, Doc?!" I snap.

"Nikki, I am handling it, I'm on it--"

"--You tell the L.A. Times and Rolling fucking Stone if they take this shit and run with it, too, I'm personally coming to their offices and fucking them up. Not the publications themselves, but the people trying to put this out there in print, individually." I hiss.

"Nikki, just--" 

"--And who the hell--what roadies did this?!" 

"I don't know, Nikki, but I'm trying my hardest to get it cleaned up." He assures me. 

"'She's a trashy, bitchy, whiney, hateful, spiteful, conniving, plotting python that now has her cold-blooded grasp around not only Nikki's neck, but also Duff's. Her game is to find the most well rounded guys while maintaining under her guise that she's a kind, Christianly woman, and see how far she can push them until they work themselves to death, literally, with trying to please her'?!" I read that snippet, just so he can be reminded how fucked this is, trying my hardest not to start pitching a fucking fit. 

"Fucking AJaxx isn't even cleaning this up! Press mongrels are gonna be humping these bastards legs for giving them sales for the next nine months!" I outburst. 

"Sixx, don't worry about it, alright? It won't go past this shitty Page Six story, okay?" 

"It's fucking horse shit." I ignore him, trying to keep my cool. "Fuck." I kick at the leg of the table, running a hand through my hair.

"I guess one decently positive thing is that Viv doesn't know about this," he says next and I shake my head a little, feeling a migraine starting to come on, strong. 

I was tempted then to check myself out of rehab and 'handle' it myself, but decided it wouldn't be worth it. I hoped it would go away and it would all blow over eventually.

"Vivian, don't listen to any of it, alright? Me and you and everyone on that tour know damn well it wasn't just you being a bitch and us being the innocent victims." I say through the phone as Viv tries to calm down, her breathing shaky and ragged from crying so much. 

"I know that but the fans and other people don't know that." She says to me, her voice quiet and tired. "I'm so embarrassed, Nikki." She adds. "I'm already embarrassed that everybody knows I cheated on you but now this whole thing…" she trails off and I feel guilt tug at my heart. 

I don't know what the fuck to say. 

I'm used to criticism from the press, but none of them have tore into me or any of the guys--except Vince after the Razzle accident--so personally and extensively as they're tearing at her. 

Calling me a devil worshipper and saying my music is shitty gets annoying and frustrating and even infuriating at times, but attacking my wife and calling her a low budget porn star and telling me to kick her aside? 

Fuck that. 

"I'm sorry, Viv. I really am." I assure her, honestly, closing my eyes when I hear her stifle a little sob out. "Where are you at right now?" I ask. 

"Duff wanted me to meet his family." She tells me. "I'll be back Saturday." 

I'm relieved she actually has a reason for not being here, but I'm also hurt that she didn't give me a heads up. But I don't want to talk about it right now. I think she's been punished enough today. 

"Okay...you didn't show yesterday and I was just worried." I admit. 

"I know, it was just a spur of the moment thing. He asked me last week and I didn't think it'd be an issue." 

"Oh." 

I glance around and let out a breath. 

"I, um, I'm gonna go. I got a group thing with the guys at 3:00." I tell her. 

"Okay." 

"Are you gonna be okay or do I need to break out and kick someone's ass?" I ask her, half-joking, and she laughs, making me smile. 

"I'll be okay." She tells me. 

"I'll see you next week, Sixx." 

I can practically hear the smile in her voice when she says, "see you next week." 

We hang up and I rub my lips together, taking a few deep breaths before heading to where me and the guys meet with Amber three times a week now. 

Tommy and Vince are waiting for me, and I plop down beside them, leaning forward, elbows on my knees, hands running over my face…

"Psst," Tommy nudges me and I look at him as Vince gets up to grab a cup of coffee. 

"What?" I ask him, and he puts his finger over his mouth. 

"You seen the shit they're on Vivian for?" He whispers and I furrow my brows, looking around. 

"The room is empty except us, dude, why are you--"

"--Shh," he says. 

"Why are you whispering?" I finish my sentence. 

"Because they probably have this motherfucker bugged out the ass." He replies, glancing around again. "I'm thinking of breaking outta here, man." He whispers very, very quietly. 

"You do know we're not being held here by legal obligation, right? They won't chase us down and have the cops on us if we just check ourselves out." I point out and he furrows his brows a little. 

"Oh." 

"Why do you wanna 'break out'?" I ask. 

"I miss Heather and my dogs and I wanna be able to be there Viv, dude. She fucking needs us right now and we're, like, over an hour away--disconnected from shit. I mean we wouldn't even know what the fuck was going on in the world if Doc wasn't keeping us in the loop, ya know?" 

I think about it for a second. 

"We're over a month into our three month stay, dude." I state. "We can't just throw in the towel, now." 

"I don't mean ditch it and stay gone. I just mean check out for a few days, go back home, see what all is going on and come back." He shrugs. 

It seems oddly appealing. 

Way too appealing, actually. 

"I don't know, Tommy…" I rub the back of my neck.

"I already talked to Vince about it and he's down."

"Of course he is." 

"And we wouldn't be doing it tomorrow or anything. I'm thinking next week." 

"Does Doc know?" I ask. 

"Fuck Doc." He scoffs. 

"Agreed." I nod, chuckling. 

"So, you in or not, man?" 

"Just for a few days?" 

"Just for a few days." 

"Then we're all coming back in?" 

"Like we never left to begin with." 

"No drugs, no parties, not even alcohol." 

"Just spending time with our families and then back to the grindstone." He states. 

"...I'm in."

 ...You know when you're on a shitty diet, eating boring, tasteless, "healthy" food, and then decide you've been stuck to your diet long enough that you can have one slice of cake because you're disciplined enough to control yourself? And now, two years later, you're still telling yourself you'll get back on your diet because after that slice of cake you just said, "fuck it," and never thought about forcing yourself to eat lettuce again? Let's just say leaving rehab prematurely works the same damn way.

[lemonadebloodsworld]

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

[ketzwrites]

Do you like how they've "softened" Jordan for the show, and made him less of a stalker and abuser? I've already seen some news articles "shipping" them, and talking about their chemistry. I still think show Jordan is a massive coward though, but I do like him more than book Jordan because book Jordan was a stalker.

I actually don’t think they softened Jordan for the show at all. To me, he is worse on the show. It isn’t what Jordan did as a recently turned werewolf that makes him an abuser. It’s what he did before that and what he didn’t do after he gained control of himself again. 

Long comparison between books and show after the cut. Bottom line is: the show focused on what Jordan can really be blamed for doing while the books painted him under a much more sympathetic light in regard to that.

It’s true that Jordan’s treatment of Maia post-scratch is worse in the books, or at least, it’s confirmed that he physically abused Maia on top of the violent verbal behavior and the jealousy:

“She said you guys went out for months and everything was great,” Simon went on. “Then you turned violent and jealous. When she called you on it, you hit her. She broke up with you, and when she was walking home one night, something attacked her and nearly killed her. And you—you took off out of town. No apology, no explanation.”

City of Fallen Angels, chapter 9

In the show, we saw Jordan raise his voice and act possessively over Maia. Just like in the books, those actions were heavily influenced by the demonic disease infecting him. Even the transformation triggered by his jealousy: none of those are completely Jordan’s fault, no more than it would’ve been Luke’s fault if he had killed those mundane when stricken by grief or Maia’s fault when she attacked that mundane girl after her first transformation.

What is Jordan’s fault is that he continuously put Maia in danger even after he knew what he could do. He stalked her after they had broken up for weeks (same as in the books and for that he can be blamed). Considering Jordan had been scratched weeks before, he had gone through his first transformation already. He knew he was a werewolf. He continued to follow Maia even after knowing he was, in his own words, “an animal.” In the show, he even tried to get her away from her home to a place she’d know nobody and be completely dependent on him. All of that is bad and, although it can be said he was still suffering the influence of turning into a werewolf, those actions happened with some degree of consciousness. 

However, what truly makes Jordan a coward and an abuser are his actions to mend the damaged he caused. Or rather, the lack of them. The show called him out on it: he left Maia there and never looked back. Jordan said he joined the Praetor Lupus “to help others”; he wanted to attain for what he did to Maia. But, because he couldn’t face her, he never went back and tried to help her. 

In the books, he did:

“And you attacked her,” Simon said. “You bit her.”

“Yeah.” Jordan stared blindly into the past. “When I woke up the next morning, I knew what I’d done. I tried to go to her house, to explain. I was halfway there when a big guy stepped into my path and stared me down. (...) He wouldn’t let me go anywhere near her. He said I’d just make it worse. He promised the Wolf Guard would be watching over her. (...).”

City of Fallen Angels, chapter 9

The show makes it clear Jordan is always only thinking of himself. He only found out Maia was involved in Simon’s case when it was too late to leave the assignment without being punished for it. So Jordan stayed; he set up “no girlfriends without warnings” rules and presented himself by his last name. He was hiding from her, because, again, he would only think of himself.

That is different from how the books portray his decision to take on the assignment:

“Okay,” Simon said slowly. “But isn’t it kind of a weird coincidence that you wound up assigned to me? A guy who was dating the girl you once bit and turned into a werewolf?”

“No coincidence,” Jordan said. “Your file was one of a bunch I got handed. I picked you because Maia was mentioned in the notes. (...) It was the first time I realized she’d become a werewolf after I—after what I did.” 

(...)

“So you took my assignment because of Maia?”

Jordan flushed. “I thought maybe if I met you, I could find out what happened to her. If she was okay.”

City of Fallen Angels, chapter 9

This is where the books fall short. Yes, Jordan’s treatment of Maia is horrible and he hurt her in more ways than can be counted. But that by itself is the werewolf narrative. They all do terrible things when first turned or when stricken with too much emotion. Blaming Jordan specifically for that is biased and unfair because we don’t hold the other wolves to the same standard.

What singles out Jordan is what he does when he has control over himself. That is where the show focused on, which we know because of the dramatic queued music and how the scene’s focus was given to Maia, our POV. She spells it out: Maia is angry because Jordan left her and didn’t come back. Jordan never takes responsibility: he just leaves when things get too complicated or uncomfortable for him to handle. 

That is what Jordan did that to Maia and we see that pattern repeating with Simon. Jordan is a self-centered asshole and a coward. Joining the Praetor has done nothing to make him a better person, only a more in control werewolf. It only served to ease Jordan's guilty conscious. There are no excuses for Jordan to hide behind on the show, no matter how desperately he tries.