#I've never had much of a problem with self acceptance. I guess that means I don't have a right to speak on it but yknow

[kiame-sama]

Humans Are Extinct (Yandere!TWST x Fem!Reader) Monster AU pt 5

(It took me way too long and saving every 5 min, but I got my laptop to run my drawing software long enough to get Leona drawn! Not overly thrilled with the pose and his legs gave me way too much trouble, but at least that is one more down!)

Warnings; Monster AU, yandere, yandere relationship, yandere behavior, stalking, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, Romantic Yanderes, Platonic Yanderes, adult themes present, communal grooming behavior seen in most of my AU species, nesting behavior, social disconnect, attempted bullying, cooking breakfast, untrusting yet soft hearted reader, Cater unintentionally causes problems, Vampire Bats, Gnolls, Satyrs, Fauns, Kelpies, Water Nymphs, mention of Unicorns, Sphinx,

~~~~~~~~

"What... the actual hell are you doing?"

Lilia paused for just a moment, regarding you with wide and curious eyes that almost tricked you into thinking he was harmless. Almost. He took a moment with his pink tongue sticking out slightly as he blinked one eye after the other.

You were finally able to wind down for the night after what had been a long ordeal and a frightening several hours. Lilia spent the short span of time by your side, only giving you space when you bathed and even then he waited outside your door. He had proved to be a wise choice of protector given how many already tried their luck. Trein's idea had been a good one as the odd Bat already had to chase off several curious students, most just seeking to get a sniff or glance in your direction. In some ways you understood that you were an anomaly in their world and that made others curious, but at the same time you felt it was overboard for so many to be so keen to approach you.

Now you sat in the monstrously sized nest- courtesy of the Dragon that fixed up most of your current abode- with your errant guardian for the evening. Grim was curled up and fast asleep on one of the many pillows that littered the valleys and hills of blankets within the nest. You were just starting to doze off as well when you felt a warm and wet muscle trail over your skin. Naturally, you wanted to know just what on earth the strange Bat was doing and judging from the way he looked, he had actually just licked your cheek.

"Grooming you?"

"Why?"

"To help you sleep. Usually a quick bit of grooming makes Malleus and Sebek drift right off with no problem, Silver never needs much help in regards to sleep. Do Humans not groom one another?"

"... Not really. I mean, I guess they can but I don't think I've had someone literally lick me in order to clean me up."

"That wasn't a lick, that was grooming."

"You literally just licked my face."

"But I'm just grooming you?"

You stared at Lilia for a long moment, thinking back to the regular bats of your own world. Bats did often groom one another as a communal pastime, so it could be very possible he was simply doing the same for you. Though you figured these Human-like monsters would behave like Humans, there was still a high possibility that what was socially acceptable to these creatures was far beyond the realm of accepted for Humans. On top of the social disconnect you also realized that though Lilia had spoken of Humans before, he didn't really get all the aspects of Humanity or what you found acceptable.

Lilia seemed genuinely confused and hesitant. There was a strong part of him that still wanted to continue his nightly habits of lulling his nest companions to sleep before trying to rest himself. Still, he was not going to continue his semi-self-soothing communal grooming if you were angry with him over it. Not even getting his scent on you was worth making you genuinely displeased with him.

"Do you not want me to groom you?"

"... Does it help you sleep?"

"What?"

"You said it helps others sleep when you groom them, does it help you sleep too?"

"To groom or be groomed?"

"Both."

The Bat took a long moment to think as if he were honestly considering his own feelings on the matter. He didn't have to think about it for very long before he was nodding to your question.

"Yes. Both help me sleep. I am naturally nocturnal, so becoming diurnal for classes has been difficult on me. Getting my nestmates to sleep first usually helps me sleep. I wouldn't mind a bit of grooming for myself, but usually I'm the one putting others to sleep."

"... If it helps you sleep, then okay. Just... Don't get too excited, okay?"

"... Do you find grooming exciting?"

"No. Going to sleep now."

Lilia laughed softly at your curt response as you tried to close your eyes and drift off. It wasn't long into your attempt that the relaxed and wet strokes picked back up across your cheek. Perhaps he lied to you and only said it was normal. Perhaps it truly was normal for these monster men to participate in communal grooming.

You certainly didn't know and you weren't going to be awake long enough for it to matter. Maybe the Bat was right in that it helped soothe others to sleep as you were unconscious within a few moments of him starting back up.

~~~~~~~~

You woke to Grim batting at your nose with his paws. His bright blue eyes shining at you in the small light of the morning. The sun was not even above the horizon at that point and you vaguely wondered what it was the little feline-beast wanted.

"I'm hungry."

His voice was soft and a quick glance over your shoulder told you he was trying to avoid waking Lilia. The Bat was wrapped in his own wings and snuggled beneath a blanket, face completely smooth in deep rest. You similarly wanted to avoid waking your guard- both for time to yourself and because he seemed so peaceful- so you slipped out of the nest with Grim.

The halls were quiet as you made your way to the main level of the building, hoping the kitchen would be located there. Luck seemed to be on your side and you were thrilled to see both the kitchen and the food available to you. Apparently they were quite keen to keep you content and that meant giving you enough food as well.

The kitchen itself was more of an industrial type kitchen, a large sink for dishes, several ovens, large stovetop, multiple cabinets and one large fridge. Most of the pots and pans were present but seemed to have been unused for quite some time. Though the outside got fixed up, the kitchen recieved far less love. Still, you found the pans needed to get an idea of what you wanted to make. There were a handful of spices in old containers but it was slim pickings.

Despite the odd lacking of premade sauces and other such items, you knew enough to throw together a decent breakfast. It was early in the cooking process when Grim let out a sudden yowl and hiss towards the far side of the kitchen behind you. A door that led outside rattled open and you turned to see a frightening creature.

It looked like a Hyena that had been stretched and deformed into a Human shape, walking on hind legs that resembled that of a canine. The beast had shaggy fur that was a sandy blond color, darker browns spotting the pelt and highlighting the ridge of the Hyena's back. One of the most stunning and unsettling features of the creature was the bright blue eyes that looked far too Human.

As the creature's mouth opened a voice you didn't expect came from it. A light tenor that almost seemed to be accompanied by the cackle of a Hyena at the end of their sentences.

"Lookie here! Seems I found the new Human! Campus is abuzz about you crashing orientation yesterday and Leona wouldn't stop mentioning you."

You didn't know if the Hyena man was one you could trust or not and his oddly jerking motions unsettled you.

"But forget all that for now. What's that you're making? You wouldn't mind sharing some with your fellow student," a long tongue licked over his chops, "would you?"

"What were you doing out here so early?"

"Don't go being so suspicious of me, I'm a stand-up guy, shishishi. I was out gathering up some dandelions for my breakfast."

"... Dandelions?"

"What? Food's expensive here. Besides, guess I can call myself lucky coming across you like this."

The way the beast said this unsettled you and you felt more than a little cornered. Grim was quick to get between the two of you even though he was clearly untrusting of the Hyena as well.

"And what's that supposed ta mean?"

"Just saying whatever you're cooking smells good! It wouldn't be too much to add some more for me to have, right? You got all this food here, you may as well share it. Sides, Leona made it clear to all of Savanaclaw that we aren't supposed to put a single paw or claw on you."

You were partially tempted to call out for Lilia to get this monster away when you heard a heart-breaking sound. A long whining grumble came from the Hyena's stomach and he almost seemed to wince in response to the noise. It was the Hyena's stomach loudly rumbling for some food. After a moment of staring at the beast you noticed a bag at his side, leaves and bright yellow flowers sticking out of it and it was stuffed with more of the plants. Hyenas wouldn't eat just plants unless they had no other choice.

With a sigh you added more food to your pan, noticing the way the short tail of the Hyena man wagged excitedly. Grim crossed his short arms and continued to watch the newcomer with untrusting eyes, refusing to move from in between the two of you.

It was when your breakfast was almost done cooking that the Hyena suddenly changed in behavior. His ears flattened and his head bowed low, tail quickly tucking between his legs as he stared at the inside entrance to the kitchen. You glanced over to see the bright pink eyes of Lilia staring from the doorway with an almost threatening grin towards your uninvited guest. The momentary quiet made you quickly step in Lilia's path, trying to defend the odd Hyena from the Bat that was tasked with your safety.

"Wait, he was just hungry and he could smell my cooking."

"(Y/n), you have already been warned about those from Savanaclaw. Most of them were of the species that ate Humans. Gnolls like Ruggie over there were especially vicious to Humans."

"But he hasn't tried any of that today. I get that not everyone is safe, but he hasn't even tried to attack me. He just wants some breakfast. Lilia, please."

The Bat frowned slightly and gave a final glare at the blond furred beast- Ruggie the Gnoll, according to Lilia- before he relented to your pleas. Despite no longer threatening the Hyena, he made a clear show of moving himself to sit on a counter that allowed him to somewhat be inbetween you and Ruggie. It seemed Grim and Lilia both had the same idea in mind as they continued to stare the outsider down.

They only willingly broke eye contact with the hunched beast as you served four separate plates. Apparently even Lilia was keenly interested in your cooking and you could see the way the three set aside their distrust and happily dug in as you passed out the servings. Ruggie didn't even bother with cutlery as he gulped down the meal like a famished animal that hadn't eaten for days, lazily licking the plate when he was finished. Grim was similar and just shoveled food into his mouth with his little paws, his pronged tail waving excitedly. Lilia took the time to grab a fork, occasionally sending a mistrustful glare towards the Gnoll as he ate.

You felt comfortable enough to dig in as well, content that you managed to somewhat avoid conflict. It was becoming oddly normal to see the unusual beast men that lived in abundance around you, and you felt somewhat gratified to feed the clearly hungry Ruggie. The clear dandelions in his pouch told you that he didn't lie to you about gathering them up and you knew they were edible plants that even Humans could eat.

"Wow, Hooman, is this what you eat all the time?"

"It's a little bland actually, I was hoping there would be more spices and herbs in the cabinets, but there isn't even half as much as I was expecting. Some jellies and jams, but no bullion, no parsley, nothing like that."

It was then Lilia spoke up, talking in between bites as he was still working on his portion.

"Humans were the main cooks and culinary types before they died out. Most of us 'monster-men' as you call us don't need to cook our foods first and eating things raw is fairly normal. It is a treat to actually have a cooked meal in a lot of places, though some places Like the Queendom of Roses have grandfathered in pastries and other confections because of how much the Queendom loved Human cooking. Lots of us don't bother cooking because we don't have to, but I guarantee a cooked meal like this would bring a good portion of others to their knees."

You made a quick mental note of Lilia's comment and figured you could try using your cooking to sway others in your favor. Ruggie certainly seemed pleased as he made an attempt to swipe what remained of Lilia's food, earning him a quick swat from the Bat's wing. Maybe those from Savanaclaw weren't that bad, if Ruggie was anything to go off of.

~~~~~~~~

The bell rang as you tried to get to your first class, upset with yourself that you turned down Lilia's offer to show you to your classes for the day. Grim was no help since he was just as lost as you but he did seem to be enough to discourage most students from getting too close. No one really tried to talk to you and all just seemed curious in your scent or reaching out as if to touch you. A quick flame from Grim was enough to dissuade them so far but the ever curious eyes continued to follow you.

When you finally reached the door to what seemed to be the right class, a figure stepped in your way and blocked you. Standing between you and the door was a Goat man with orange hair and twisting horns atop his head. On his left eye was a red heart.

"So you're the Human everyone is losing their minds over. Don't look like much to me. You don't even have magic to defend yourself if I decided to hurt you right now."

He laughed a sinister sound as he grinned hatefully at you. Grim was clearly trying to make himself seem bigger than he was, even spreading his tattered wings out to somewhat shield you despite how little they covered. The blue fire that always seemed to burn on Grim's ears burned brighter as the grey cat-beast prepared himself to fight this goat man who seemed keen to stop you from entering the classroom.

"Ace, Housewarden Riddle told us to leave the Human alone."

It was then another Goat man approached from behind the first, looking distinctly different from the orange-haired short-horned Goat that tried to block you. This second one had large Ram horns that spiraled from the top of his head down to the sides of his chin, his dark blue hair complementing his bright blue eyes. Over his right eye was the card suit of spades. His lower half was the same as the first and seemed to be goat legs with a tail flicking behind him. You could just barely see the little white spots along the top of his tail as he pushed the first Goat forward with a glare on his face.

"And who the hell are you to enforce that rule, Deuce? You're just a first-year like me."

"And we were told to not heckle the Human."

"Don't tell me you think this Human is worth being upset over?"

"I didn't say that. I'm saying you need to leave her alone."

"Why don't you make me?"

Both seemed to be ready to have a go at one another, heads slightly tilted forward so their horns were pointed at the other. It almost looked like they were going to headbutt each other until one of them relented. It was during this argument that another voice cut in, making both Goats straighten up quickly.

"Why aren't you freshmen in class already?"

The voice belonged to what looked like a centaur man with green hair, his lower half was that of a white stallion. He wore thick black rimmed glasses and had the card suit of clubs beneath his left eye. His eyes were a golden brown that seemed almost yellow when compared to his unusual green hair.

As he trotted over the two Goats quickly seemed to break up their fight, refusing to look the man in the eye even as he looked down at the four of you with his arms crossed. The man seemed to get a good look at your little group before his gaze came to a halt on you, quickly looking you up and down in surprise. He seemed to recognize you rather quickly as he uncrossed his arms, that small displeased frown disappearing from his face.

"Oh, you're the- right. Riddle did say you would be attending classes. Doesn't make much sense to me to throw you into classes with this lot, but I guess it does make it easier for the professors to keep an eye on you."

His smile dropped ever so slightly into a glare as he looked over at the two Goats. That glare then seemed to change into a wicked grin as if he just got an idea.

"How helpful of the two of you to volunteer to show the Human to her classes today."

"Wha- I didn't volunteer for that-!"

"If you don't want to sleep outside with one of Riddle's collars on, I would suggest you both step up and stop fighting."

"Of course out of every upperclassmen we run into, it has to be Trey..."

"So good of you two first-year boys to step up like this. I will be checking in at lunch and if there is a single scratch anywhere on her I'm having Riddle collar the both of you."

The one with orange hair- Ace- stomped his hoof in anger at the much larger male, seeming aghast that he was given an assignment. Deuce seemed less displeased but had a clear frown on his face. Grim was already on board with staying by you given the fact you were his ticket to a comfortable bed and good food.

"If you're so worried, do it yourself!"

"I could tell both Riddle and Professor Trein right now that you two knuckleheads were trying to stop her from getting to class and trying to bully her. I'm sure that would look great on your school records, and you'll certainly have fun not being able to use any magic with Riddle's collars on."

This seemed to unnerve Ace more than the prior threat had as his eyes widened and he took a quick step back. Both Goats had to weigh the potential risks and rewards of the situation but quickly came to the conclusion that it was best to do what the Horse man told them to. You didn't know anything about this supposed collaring business, but you did recognize the name Riddle as the Unicorn that had yelled at Grim the night before.

"Hey, hey, why is everyone standing out here? Thought classes already started, so is everyone just late?"

Another new voice interrupted and Grim's ears flicked in clear frustration at all of the new faces that seemed so keen to heckle the two of you. He was quick to turn to you now that the threat was gone and use his little claws to climb up the leg of your pants and into your arms. For such a sassy little creature, Grim certainly was keen to have you carry him around when there wasn't any threat of danger.

Approaching the now growing group of students standing outside of the classroom was a red-haired man with bright green eyes. He almost seemed to saunter over to the group as he held up his phone, the sound of a camera coming from it multiple times before before he came to a halt.

"Hold on, just need to post this to Magicam and add the right tags... #froshes #latebuddies #skipday... And post!"

"Wait, Cater, don't- please tell me you didn't post a picture of us just now."

"Of course I did! Gotta keep my followers up to date on the haps at school."

"At least tell me you blurred the Human out of the photo?"

"Oh, she's here? Wait, don't tell me," the man now known as Cater was quick to get uncomfortably close to you, making Grim's ears flatten back on his head, "you're the new Human on campus! Gotta absolutely get a selfie with you and post it for Magicam, none of my non-NRC followers believe that a Human crashed our orientation! Pics so I can prove it happened! Smile!"

You tried to pull away from the overly enthusiastic man as he held up his phone and snapped two pictures before you managed to wriggle away from his grasp. He didn't seem to be put off by your behavior at all as he quickly tapped away at his phone with a smile. Trey, however, slapped the phone out of Cater's hands quickly.

"Are you crazy, Cater?"

"Woah, Trey? What's the big deal? You're usually never this riled up."

"Tell me you didn't post that selfie already."

"Just pressed post when you hit my phone outta my hands. Not cool, Trey. Totes being so unkind to Cay-cay."

"Cater!"

"What?"

"Why would you post a picture of an extinct species to the internet? Riddle told us to try and keep others from taking pictures of her and you just go right ahead and post it?"

"What's the big deal? It's not like it's illegal or something."

Trey sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking several deep breaths to try and calm himself. You were able to tell why Trey was mad but it seemed like Ace, Deuce, and Cater had no idea what the big deal was when he just took a picture with you. Meanwhile you were wondering if you should tell a Professor what happened and hope the older magic users could do more to help you than the students.

"Seems you all have plenty of time to talk instead of get to your classes, so how about a few extra assignments for you lot?"

The interrupting voice was a thankfully familiar one to you as you saw the limping gait of a familiar flying-cat man approaching. His steeley eyes were narrowed in annoyance as he drew closer, in his arms lay a black and white cat that seemed more than content to be carried around. You were surprised to see a normal cat in this strange world of monsters, but you figured there had to be some normal animals if these guys found eating one another as appalling as eating Humans seemed to be.

"Professor Trein."

You greeted the man quickly and the scowl disappeared from his face as he realized you were the one talking to him.

"Ah, (Y/n), I saw you would be in my class this morning. Are these students showing you around? I thought Lilia was your chosen guide."

"I told Lilia I didn't need help finding my classes, but I was wrong."

"Hm, then hopefully these boys have been aiding you thus far? You are at my classroom after all."

"Well, about that..."

"What happened?"

Trey interrupted the conversation then, seeming less upset and more exasperated than anything. Ace had been trying to sneak away, but the Horse man caught the back of his shirt and kept him from running off. He didn't even need to look at Ace to grab him and instead kept his attention on Trein.

"Cater posted a picture of (Y/n) to Magicam."

"... He what?"

Cater picked up his phone, pouting at the crack in the screen and whining loudly about it. He turned the phone to Trey as if to show the damage but Professor Trein snatched it from his hands, frustratedly tapping the dark screen as his cat climbed up to his shoulders to free up his hands. He didn't seem to get very far before turning it back to Cater in frustration.

"Unlock your phone, Mr. Diamond."

"What's the big deal? I just wanted to show off the Human."

"That is the 'big deal'! Why would you post a picture of an extinct species for anyone to see?"

"It's not like people are gonna show up just to see a Human-"

"Cater, I am now assigning you an essay due by tomorrow on the history of Humans since you clearly haven't paid attention to your course work from last year. You will also be deleting that picture and any others you make have taken of (Y/n)."

Another noise of complaint left the redhead as if he were about to start complaining but Trein silenced him with a glare.

"Fine, fine. Not like anyone is gonna do anything because of it- no way! This is the most likes any of my pics have gotten right after posting! That was no time at all-"

"Delete it!"

"I can delete the photos from my account, but its already been downloaded at least fifty times. Deleting it now won't do much-"

"Enough. Cater, to the Headmage's office, now. The rest of you get to your classes. I will be in to teach shortly, but first I need to notify the Headmage about this."

Trey herded you and the other two students into the room, closing the door behind you rather loudly. You could still hear Trein scolding Cater from behind the door and you all quickly took your seats. To your surprise, the only open seat was between the two Goats and they didn't seem all too upset by this fact. Though they seemed angry at being volunteered to be your guides, they weren't about to complain about it now with an angry professor right outside of the classroom.

You had no idea what Magicam was, but from the sounds of it, it must have been some kind of photo sharing application like Instagram from your world. If that was the case, the rest of this messed up world was about to realize that there was a Human sheltering at Night Raven College, and you were terrified at the idea of what that would mean for you.

[gok1bvri72]

I adore Len and Rin! I have been trying my hand in x readers lately by making a load of Lyney x Reader so why not make some nostalgic (for me at least) Len x Reader🤔? As cringe as it may sound I've been reading all the fics left over by the fandom of old since I was 10 I'm so obsessed with Len>< So I pretty much have a headcanon for everything under the sun about him! So this mini thing will be a breeze:>

Len is a very cautious lover.

Used to all the memes and hate he used to regularly get back when the Vocaloid fandom was rampant; he is very hesitant with just about everything he does lest it become yet another meme and another reason to make fun of him.

As you can guess this leads to major anxiety and constantly feeling like he has done something wrong.

Please don't let him feel this way.

This being said, he is great at recognizing panic/anxiety attacks long before they happen.

He has a tendency to memorize what triggers them and avoids those places/topics entirely.

It's almost like he was built to be some form of anxiety relief android. Maybe he has some beta coding for future therapy androids?

Either way despite his physical age and mindset his is incredibly observant and can read a person pretty well.

He has a tendency to make assumptions though.

Brush his hair and don't tell him he needs to whack his ponytail off.

He'll love you.

Maybe he will let you braid it if you ask nicely.

He owns a saluki named Happy. No questions asked.

No he does not co-own her with Rin. Happy is *his* dog and neither him or the dog will accept otherwise.

If his dog approves of you 9 times outta 10 he will too.

He also likes cats, he and Rin are just allergic.

If you're someone like me and covered in cat hair 24/7, he will sneeze around you all the time.

It's cute though.

Len sneezes are adorable.

He is bad at english/kanji class please help him.

That being said he is a math wizard.

If you're like me and suck at math he can help you don't need to worry.

He would probably just do your homework for you if you ask.

Which is why you shouldn't.

Len has a problem with doing things for others so he'll do just about anything (within reason) for you if he loves you enough.

We already know he would die for his sister if I had to guess he would die for you too if you won him over.

He will take his hoodie off for you and let you wear it. He never takes his hoodies off.

Please please protect him.

Him is verr ee wholesome.

Len has some serious self doubt issues (as I mentioned earlier) so remind him that he *is* talented and that his sister isn't any better than he is.

I mentioned earlier he is good at recognising the signs of a panic attack and I think he is just as prepared to handle them as he is good at sensing them.

If you need words of comfort he can provide you with those but if you just want him to hold you while you cry he can do that too.

He actually prefers the latter because he is afraid he may say something wrong.

He has attachment issues and separation anxiety.

To certain extent he has separation anxiety with his sister and dog but it's not as bad as it is with you.

He gets so nervous and scared. He doesn't like being without you.

He is also super attached to you because you aren't mean to him.

That's probably one of the big reasons he loves you so much; you treat him like a person.

Len gets angry when people say he is a little gay twink.

He likes girls too!

He thinks no matter what's in your pants if your beautiful and kind you are beautiful and kind>:[

Please play minecraft and animal crossing with him♡♡♡

He is often littered with band-aids for no reason. He thinks they look cool lol.

Big cuddler!

Winter and autumn are his favourite seasons because he can cuddle with you in bed and wear layers:)

He has *so* many blankets and he shares all of them with you!

Doesn't mind if you fart in the bed. Doesn't run away squealing in disgust like his sister. Literally could not care less it's no different from a sneeze to him. True manliness right there.

Apple cider is his favourite!

He loves the smell so much his room has diffusers everywhere in it and they all have the scent:)

He also has his windows open a lot of the time!

So it smells like that windy-open-window-bedroom *and* apple cider!

If you open his door without expecting it, it's like being hit in the face with essence of bard. (If you get it you get it.)

Hates anything to do with zombies. They trigger panic attacks in him because he knows he would survive because he is an android but he wouldn't know how to keep you and your loved ones safe.

Not knowing what to do in certain situations enduces anixety and panic attacks in him whether it be an on the spot question from a teacher or just thinking about a situation like such his room.

He cries a lot.

I mean he is adorable and it's impossible to not find him cute when he does cry but he has one of those crying faces that makes you just feel so much guilt and a need to protect him.

Smooch his cheeks when he cries, if you do it enough he cries a little less.

Don't make him bottle up his emotions though, but also help him to stop crying because it's not very good for his eye cameras.

His eyes can glow in the dark by the way.

Every android's can.

But his are so pretty! When they glow they are a bright, electric blue that fades into a slightly deeper shade and they are *so*, SO sparkly!!

Make sure to tell him his sparkle eyes are beautiful✨✨

He has a lot of plushies.

He likes Journey to the West and is a Sun Wukong enthusiast!

He really likes Dragon Ball so he wanted to know about the design origins of Goku and you get the picture.

He doesn't quite understand all the symbolism in JTTW but he still enjoys it regardless because MONKEY KING SMASH!!!

Has a lanyard that he really likes and doesn't take off often.

He has a Vocaloid tomogatchi and the little character in it is the same Rin he has had since he first got it back when they were released.

He can't let his sister die on him!

His sister has one with him in it that she takes just as good care of♡

They may argue all the time but they really do love eachother!

Len and Rin are you best friends and Len is the best, most accommodating boyfriend you could ever ask for so please treasure him and his sister you lucky you!

Handle with care U^U

[ikemen-translations]

Morganatic Idol Prologue 4/10

Xeno: ...

My body doesn't move as if it's numb

(Lie... why is Xeno in a place like this?)

Xeno: ...

He looks down at me. His face, shaped like a work of art, shows no expression

(What cold eyes.... Like ice...)

But... Xeno's body, which is holding me tightly, is certainly warm

(It's like an ice doll, but it's warm...)

Cold and warm... Contradictory feelings surround me. I didn't say anything, just stared at him

???: Hey, what are you doing?

MC: !?

I tourned around at the voice

Looking at me suspiciously was Finn, oen of Exe Creed's dancer

Finn: Hey, are you okay? How much baggage are you carrying?

A particularly gorgeous figure appears from behind him as he speaks bluntly

Jace: What, what happened?

Hugh: ...

(Now Jace and Hugh...!)

Jace looks at me and Xeno then smiles teasingly

Jace: It's so kind of you to help her. I've never seen Xeno be so kind to a girl

Xeno let me go and the warmth leaves me

Xeno: ... This girl just fell down on her own

Jace: I feel like I've seen you somewhere...

MC: Eh, uh...?

Finn: Hey, don't pick up girls in a place like this

Jace: No

Hugh: ...

Hugh doesn't seem interested in the interaction and seems sleepy. Further there...

???: You guys, don't just go ahead! I told you to wait at the entrance to the parking!

Ivy: All four of them were gone, so I wondered where they had gone. Ah, I'm glad we found them

(This time, the leader Ivy! All Exe members are here...!)

(And this person is Nagane Sakura, the president and producer of the company to which Exe Creed belongs)

(I saw the photo in the document so I'm sure)

Nagone: ...

(Huh? It looks like he is staring at me... maybe it's just my imagination)

Xeno: I'm not a child...

Finn: I know where I'm going so there's no problem if I go first

Jace: That's right. The old guys are too laid back

Ivy: Ugh, I feel weak when you say that...

Nagone: We're not that old yet

Hugh: sleepy...

Noticing my dumbfounded state, Ivy smiled and said he is sorry for being so noisy

Ivy: Look everyone, you'll get noticed if you are talking in a place like this. Let's move before it becomes a commotion

Nagone: That's true. Time is getting close, so let's go quickly

The five of them started walking, led by Sakura-san

I was taken aback and called out to Xeno as he left

MC: That!

He turned around and gave me a cold look

(I have to say something... quickly!)

MC: Well... thank you for helping me earlier

Xeno: ...

He just glanced at me and walked away without saying anything

(He is gone...)

It was like seeing it in a dream. I can't believe I met a super idol in a place like this

(I guess today's guest is... Exe Creed!?)

Office

When I returned to the office, I discovered that the visitor was indeed Exe Creed

I then learned that our section's project had been selected and that we would be giving a presentation

(I heard that their strength is self-production, and that they decide whether or not to accept a job themselves)

Mori: Isn't it late? Did you buy everything? Give it to me

Mori-san ran over and quickly retrieved my luggage

A confident smile appears on her face

Mori: I'm about to give a presentation to Exe Creed. I'll definitely make it a success!

I felt my heart sink as she left with such enthusiasm

(Mori-san was in charge of the presentation, which means my project was not selected...)

Previous / Next

[princeandrogyne]

this... uh. probably isn't an incredibly hope inspiring message now that I think about it, but I wanted to say I relate a lot to your blog. your blog looks like my unpublished notes app ramblings, the random bullshit I type out to myself, I just don't have the self-esteem to publish it anywhere. I don't expect anyone to care, I guess.

sometimes I feel like my life would be better if I knew I wasn't the only person like me, if I knew someone like me shared my struggles and had that same sort of "thing" festering in them like it does in me. anger, dissatisfaction, yearning, something. wanting to pass like a man while knowing it's impossible without blowing up all my beliefs, all of my living situation, all of my pride. feeling unlovable just because I rolled the shit 50% odds and it just so happens something in me decided I could never be happy. a computer programmed to fail. an animal wired to throw away their survival instinct. I guess this is me saying that I sort of see that in you? god, that's sort of weird. sorry if it comes out weird!

I wonder if knowing you're less alone is actually helpful. I used to think I was alone, just because the people around me were so unlike me that I made a skill out of learning how to act just like them, even though I consciously knew they'd never know me. I know I'm not, obviously. it'd be a bit self centered to think that, probably. it's partially comforting to know that I'm really not unique. exactly like the other girls, so to speak. but I don't know! I don't know if it's good to know I'm not special and my problems are not unique but also the people who are just like me haven't exactly found the solution to any of those shared struggles either!

anyway, out of some weird desire to offer advice and a kind word, I guess I ended up in your inbox! I wanted to write some helpful things, partially because I sort of wanted to, in a roundabout way, give advice to myself too. then, I realized I couldn't think of anything to say. I don't know how to help myself either. it's just been a lot of escapism and coping mechanisms for my worst problems, pretending like I'm better than other people (sometimes I am) for being able to at least be self-aware, to have shame and the ability to accept reality. the thing is, I see reality. and it's shit! being a dysphoria-filled, inexplicably weird but not in an easily medicated way, unappealing in looks to the majority of the world, no five year career goals like everyone else, too young to have fallen in love or experienced life fully but always on the brink of feeling sick of it all, just frankly outcast female homosexual, is not like... the best place to be as a 19 year old! and I have no idea what to actually do about it other than just find reasons to keep living despite it all. just let it happen and force myself to make others care about me because I really do care more about what other people think of me than myself. I'd be sad if other people were sad because I killed myself or whatever. terrible practice probably I do not recommend but uhhh I lost the thread here. basically. sorry. I really opened this tab with intention to be helpful and it sort of became a pity fest.

I don't know. does it mean anything if an internet stranger says they see you? they perceive your pain and they might even feel like they understand? that she knows what it's like? does "you are not alone" actually mean anything? I never thought it did, it feels hollow always since I know the people saying it never mean it. but to me I suppose right now it means enough to write this grossly honest and probably huge pain in your inbox (you are more than welcome to toss it out. I'm not gonna save this text anywhere either so fully feel free to help me to create some lost media lol). it's just that something about your blog presence speaks to me...and that may be the cringest thing I've typed on tumblr. shockingly. wow, anon makes it so much easier to speak. is this what honesty looks like?

I won't waste too much more of your time if you've already read this all. I hope things get better for you. I don't know what that would look like, but I hope it looks like something real and fulfilling and warm and wonderful and it proves every self doubt and desperately loathing impulse within you wrong. and if anything, at least know your personality through text is readable and impactful and perhaps gives psychic damage to certain people who like to think and talk too much. have a good one.

People who aren’t like us also do care, I’ll let you know. If someone demonstrates an issue it’s kind of human nature to care for them, often even with no prior attachments. I get outreach from a lot of people on here who are worried. The only issue is that there’s just not a whole lot people can do behind a screen besides offer anecdotes and time and patience and a promise of understanding. 

It’s not weird you see those bad and strange sort of things in me. I always figured I was built to be an example for other people. “This is what a suicidal person looks like. This is how they will act and how you need to treat them. This is how to react when they die. ” etc etc i always thought i wasn’t built to be here and I’m a living fluke in the system. I definitely feel the “computer programmed to fail.” i was diagnosed with depression when i was 5 or 6, I believe i was born with it. Not even going to touch the autism within this conversation. I do genuinely also believe i was born in the wrong body but I’m swallowing it the best I can. Sometimes strange identities still emerge a bit like vomit - coming from a sickness and humiliating me. Cleaned up hastily so no one else has to see. I don’t know. I don’t like my body. 

You might be exactly like some girls, but there are statistically very few of us in these familiar situations. I think it’s hard for us to recognize that there are some of us who are older too. Who have made it a little further. I’m unsure if you’re 19 like me as mentioned due to the wording but i digress… its becomes harder to recognize someone who is you when you are out of there because I think we change. Drastically. But I’m not sure that’s just a theory. 

I am thankful you reached out. Even if you think you hadn’t much to offer, this was very kind. You were honest and you reached out in recognition to give anything you thought you could. 

Something different about us is that i don’t care if people are sad if I kill myself. I feel maybe pity towards anyone who might or worry for some individuals, but I know once I’m dead it wipes that all away. It’s a release of tension in my eyes. Regardless, i understand the aspect of continuing existence despite it all.

I don’t usually like when people say they see me in themselves or they relate. You’ve done a good job. I feel sort of proud to be thought similar to anyone who would spend this much time on someone like me. Sort of a complicated concept. I hope you stick around on my blog and learn more about me and maybe even communicate further. 

Being told my personality is impactful is going to give me a big head, thank you so much. I’m not doing this because I have self-esteem btw it’s because I’m dumb as rocks and also because for some reason openly sharing every issue I have on a semi-private-from-IRL platform is the only way I can get myself to journal. Anyway I think I had a point, but it’s lost so thank you just thank you. I love you, whoever you are.

[bumblebeerror]

jesse what the fuck are you talking about...

i know you said you won't respond, but i don't care. you don't have to. i'm replying because i feel the need to reply. i'm not looking for a response anymore.

"i'm aggressively kind, and not nice" what. i want to study your brain under a microscope. the entire paragraph about what you do with your friends is alien to me. it just does not compute. i don't understand. what the fuck even was that? i've never done that or seen anyone do any of that. what the fuck?

kidness isn't a human right.

education, food, water, shelter, family, medicine... those are human rights. you are not entitled to kindness simply because you were born into this world. you have to earn it.

the fact that you believe bad people like the ones i mentioned deserve kindness tells me you have clearly had a very good, safe life and have never been truly hurt or come face-to-face with evil. if you did, you'd quickly change your philosophy. let me guess, you also oppose the death penalty? figures.

i am not about to fotce myself to disobey my instinct/intuition. when my gut tells me something, it's for a reason. when i get the creeps around a registered sex offender, i can't just ignore that. not just for moral reasons, but because it's a self-preservation instinct too.

"kindness isn't empathy, kindness is compassion" EMPATHY AND COMPASSION ARE SYNONYMS?????????????????????? they mean the same thing. literally what's the difference???????? what.

i've been bullied extensively, please don't fucking lecture me on what bullying does. i can honestly say bullying had a positive effect on me. it helped me build thicker skin and now i'm no longer so hypersensitive. it builds character for many people.

"there's a reason you have trouble making friends" it's not my fault i was born this way. i've tried making and maintaining friends since i was a little child. but fuck it is impossible. making and maintaining enemies is very easy for me, however.

i'm sorry, but i don't think i can remember 20 people, let alone make 20 friends??? that sounds exhausting. i don't even truly know 20 people. i only truly know my mom, dad, sister, grandfather and (dead) grandmother. i think of the people i used to go to school with a lot, but i only knew them superficially. we never truly knew each other.

there are many reasons i have no friends. i think i know myself a little better than you know me. my problems are much deeper than just "not willing to be kind". i've always been distant and uncomfortable with intimacy. and i have a disneyland of problems and difficulties, so even if i did learn to be "kind", i would still have no friends.

it's better to be friendless and tough, than friendless and a pushover.

Yeah, alright. Since we’re off the idea that bullying teens as adults is remotely acceptable, I’ll play ball. You can take this answer or leave it - I don’t care.

1) I explained the difference between kindness and niceness already.

2) kindness is realizing the inherent value of another human and taking actions to that end, whether directly or in politics/raising awareness.

3) I am fat, disabled, poor, mentally ill, have lost several very close family members including my father, and I’m queer; if you think my life has been easy, I want whatever you’re smoking.

It is because my life has not been easy that I know that people deserve to be treated as people, even if they suck.

I don’t put myself in danger either. But it’s not hard to realize that prisons are new slavery or that sexual assault and torture via other inmates and guards isn’t a morally correct way to deal with anyone who breaks a law. I’d hope you’d also realize that being a bigot doesn’t exactly warrant the death penalty.

4) Empathy is the ability to put yourself in one’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from.

Compassion is actually helping someone in need.

Which is why autistic folks have been trying to make it clear for years that being low empathy doesn’t make you evil.

5) I’m sorry you’ve been bullied. Personally, the only thing bullying taught me was to hate who I was and mask extensively.

Have you considered that you struggle to make friends because you don’t reach out to people for fear of them bullying you? Have you thought of the possibility that being bullied in fact changed you for the worse and made you less able to be yourself and be open with friends?

There are loads of studies on what bullying does to developing minds. I’m sure you do feel as if it’s helped you. Check back in on that in 2 years eh?

6) You were not “born this way”. Humans are, whether you like it or not, social creatures. You have unfortunately been taught by your bullies that people are unpleasant and out to get you. This isn’t true, and it’s fairly easy to root out those who are when you’re an adult in control of who you talk to or see.

Because imma be straight up with you king. I’ve got ADHD and autism, and even with those difficulties making friends those disorders represent, I still make friends exclusively because I treat others how I want to be treated and try to be the friend I’d want to have. I have such a wide circle of friends because I treat them well without the expectation that they’ll always be able to match that. I’ve not had a problem since I started doing so.

You have trouble making friends because you are an unpleasant person who does not think of others, and because you have convinced yourself that you were not made to have friends. Have you ever planned an event for your friends? Do you ever reach out to talk to them? Have you ever tried being the friend you want to have?

Because until *I* started doing that, I was a lot like you. I even believed it was other people’s fault nobody wanted to be friends with me. And if that wasn’t the case, I just wasn’t suited to having friends. Sound familiar?

I am also viscerally uncomfortable with intimacy. I also have trouble expressing emotions. I have a flat affect. I have multiple health issues and neurological issues related to them. I do not understand how to comfort others. I still have friends and I still get on well. Don’t put up your own barriers, mate. There are plenty of folks who have similar issues. Unfortunately this is a case where you aren’t special, and that’s a good thing.

7) I’m sure being tough will get you far when you have nobody to rely on for help.

I’m not a pushover for recognizing that other people have needs and inherent value.

[insufferable-homestuck]

So very tempted by the thought of being classpected by someone else. Personally, I've pegged myself as a Maid of Heart. I hope youre still accepting little clsspecting requests dhskbshs

I think one of my favorite things ever is creating something that people can really connect with- whether it be myself (or, my system, i suppose) or my friends.

I do a lot of art, a lot of writing. I'm very passionate about it! But in all fairness, it tends to loop back around to doing it for my buds. Most of my art is like, character references.

I also, do a lot of RP, which is what the character references are for, typically. A lot of my characters are just, like, fractals of myself. I realize that like, that might have things to do with being a system but oh well! All of my characters are parts of me. I know ppl put themselves into their characters, but this is different, I feel. But they aren't all like, self inserts, either. Its weird.

I am a trans man, if that means anything. For a very long time, I struggled with Identity and allowed the people around me to tell me who I am and what I'm allowed to like and interact with, all because I wanted their approval or affection. Since transitioning (i guess???) I feel so much better, obviously

What else is important about me fuck im trying to think

As mentioned previously, I'm a system. At least, I'm pretty damn sure. I've known for a couple of months now, Im not far along in the process of communicating well with the others. I've only had like, a couple of experiences that are like, ya know, clearly with system members.

I have, a lot of interests. And I'm very into them. It might be other people in my system having their own interests, but they are also MY interests, too. They're just more crazy about them than me.

I'm bad at communicating at times with people about my needs. I feel needy, emotionally, and I feel guilty about it

I feel like, I am stubborn. I have a hard time recognizing that there's a problem until it becomes unbearable or until someone has to smack sense into me.

I love horror stuff, especially the more psychological horror. I do like a bit o the gorey stuff. Shits classic. But im on that thought provoking shit. Im out here pondering what does it mean to be human and shit. It goes crazy

I have a hard time starting like, shows and games. I'll binge and then forget about it, and then I'll get intimidated by not remembering exactly where i left off and just never finish whatever it was.

This is so hard lmao i cant remember anything else go nuts

hey you heart obsessed fuck

everyone who has messaged me about this has described themselves as forgiving, creative, shy and stubborn but I can't keep spinning around the same aspects right. that's what Homestuck quizzes do and im better than that

so, i assign you the Heir of Blood, you care about your friends and relationships in your life, you have strong *bonds* with various characters, its also pretty funny you like horror movies, "gorey" movies. blood. you get it

not to shit on you specifically (( very much doing that. you talk like a dirk fan. )) but don't tell me your fucking classpect if you want me to assign you one, what are you HERE for? i don't care THAT much any attention is good attention etc but my PREFERRED audience is people who have no classpect or don't know anything about them so I can spit my bullshit and they believe me. You can have a classpect if you so please, just keep it secret in your ask and only tell me what it is if I'm right or close

I had another guess which was Thief of Heart but that'd sound so insulting to say to a system lmao, or extremely comical, you decide

[dojae-huh]

After paying more attention to Yuta I can now agree with the author, his crush on WinWin was real, same with Woo (although this new one is less serious). And he is probably bi, he just wants to love and to be loved (the words he said about Doyoung, but in truth are about him). And the real shift in his dynamic with Do actually happened after the 2nd anniversary (remember how he took a glass with vine away, preventing Do knocking it with his arm? the care he didn’t show before. also during one of recent vids (was it guessing k-pop songs by emoji?) he stroked Do’s back, consoling, which I’d never seen before). 

This is from your blog and sorry for for bringing out the past but I have a doubt here..you said yt shifted his dynamic toward dy happend at second anniversary I.e after jaedo comeout right? You meant he started to care for dy right? Then how was it before? Does he hate or ignore dy? I knw they were like tom and jerry before not dislike though...I dont understand can you explain? And if yt is bi like you said does it mean he ever had a crush on dy? Did you felt like that? And what about now ? Do you think he have a crush on mark or ty or woo? We dont knw unless he tell us but did you felt it? That's it for my doubt can you clear it?? And thank you in advance....

When I just came to the fandom, YuWin was super popular, much more than YuMark. Many said Yuta had a real crush. As a newbie I thought it was the normal shipper's talk and YuWin was just fanservice. It's after I saw Yuta with Woo I went back and reevaluated YuWin (that, and NCT Life in Seoul). I think it was a Yuta and Hansol moment that persuaded me Yuta is bi. He was young and couldn't control himself yet (same goes for JaeDo, they were much more obvious with their flirting and crushes, as well as reactions to other men, during trainee times).

I know there are rumours about Yuta dating a man nowadays, he was seen with him in cafes and such, but I don't know how grounded the rumours are as I don't specifically look for more info on the topic.

I had a post on DoYu, the shift. Yuta started to change his attitude earlier than the anniversary. During Chain era, if I remember correctly.

Yuta always liked Do, he was just jealous of him. Yuta wanted to be a singer in the group, he didn't want the dancer position he was basically pushed into. Remember how he said he once bought a ticket to Japan without telling anyone, it was Rino who stopped him and made him believe that he also has a spot, a role in the group, that everyone is important.

We don't talk about the elephant in the room, but Yuta did several cosmetic surgeries, he had (and still has) problems with self image. Do's nosejob just lifted up the tip of the nose, Yuta really changed his face. And 2017-early 2018 was his lowest time, I think. He became a changed person with Regular (he accepted his dancer position, started dancing properly, started taking singing lessons and actually consulted Do on vocals, seeked his help).

I think DoYu getting closer was the result of Yuta himself changing for the better (he stopped being envious and petty) and JaeDo being an example of following their feelings (getting together instead of supressing), coming out to the group and being accepted.

I'm positive Yuta has no crush when it comes to Mark, he is just comfortable with him. I don't know about Tae, however, I doubt it (I don't remember any sus moments). The crush on Woo is probably over, but I need to watch something and re-evaluate.

I've never considered Yuta having a crush on Do, to be honest... I do think it's plausible looking at Yuta's behaviour (he is Do's secret fanboy, actually listens to his non-NCT songs). Not a developed crush, just "ah, what a nice person, I get these fuzzy feelings when he cares about me". A possibility that never was explored because Jaehyun claimed Do first. A crush on a dear friend. DoYu wouldn't have happened in any case though, I always struggle with this ship in fanfics, it's just hard to imagine. Yuta noticeably goes soft when someone shows him love, he craves love.

[demonsfate]

I think my biggest issue with the story is exactly that. I feel like there's a gap between 7 and 8 that grows bigger as the game goes. Like, suddenly, everyone wants to support Jin, but the switch feels too sudden. Yes, it might be because of Kazuya threatening to wipe out countries and such. But like.. if we're gonna make Jin the one to blame for the War … then there's much more to explain. And it's not like they didn't have time? The story mode is NOT that long. If they weren't going to explain that, they should've retconned it as you said. I also thought the DJ thing was kind of weird. However, I DID enjoy that part of the story for some reason, so I feel rather conflicted lmao. But atp, I've accepted they were scrambling to fix the mess 6 left behind. They could've done better. Absolutely. But I don't really expect that much anymore. It did have positive things I enjoyed and the main takeaway is Jin going back to his old self and wanting to live. Was it better than 7? Definitely. Probs the game I like the most since 5 in the canon timeline. Which is not saying much, I guess.

Also, Asuka is forever sidelined. It's so fucking joever. Even if she was in the same place as Jin, they really didn't talk about their heritage with each other. My dislike for Lili knows no bounds. Don't even get me started on Reina lmao.. but I guess I saw that one coming.

Yeah, a lot of ppl say "oh, it's just 'cos it's either Jin or Kaz. The lesser of the evils." But no... there's a difference between being on somebody's side and supporting them, and being buddies with them. I really don't get why the story mode wasn't longer... it could've been another hour longer like MK1 was. Was it because they had to do the Arcade Quest "story" as well lmao?

The thing is, on surface level - the DJ scene is really enjoyable. The whole "Never shall I deny you" made me go OOOOOOO. However... that's the problem with a lot of the TK8 scenes. They were enjoyable on the surface, but once you think about the context of the previous games - they become more messier and it leaves you with a lot of questions.

I just never understood why they couldn't have retconned it. I mean, they've retconned all other stupid unnecessary things. Unless... Harada really did think they were writing a masterpiece of a story, that this was gonna be the MOST moving redemption story of all time. (Sorry, Zuko's still superior :/) I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if Harada starts claiming he had this beautiful story in mind for years. Just how in TK6 happened, he claimed it was his magnum opus and Jin being a villain was "10 years in the making" (lmao they say whatever to make it seem like they're competent writers)

AND ASUKA... omg. She was so entertaining in the bits of the story she was in. Which REALLY confuses me as to why she's sidelined. Because she's spunky, hot-tempered, but also adorable too (the way she calls Jin her big brother!!! eee!!) So like, not only do you have this HIGHLY entertaining character who's full of life - but she's also a Kazama!! She's literally related to the main character!! Like she can have SO MUCH potential... yet they throw it away. Why? Some people are convinced the writers hate Asuka lol

[breath-of-venus]

Hey! :) I’m the anon who was worried about not being good enough for Aphrodite. Thank you so much for your response 🩷

It was really eye-opening when you said “Not only that, the worth you're giving yourself is not the worth others give to you. She is also "others" btw. You're just deciding for yourself how you think she views you, when in actuality it's just a reflection of your own self-worth (or a lack thereof).” because this not only applies to me feeling insecure and not good enough for Aphrodite, but it also applies to my relationship with others as well (god this is becoming REALLY personal lol but idc no one knows who I am). After reflecting upon this topic I realized that I’ve felt this way before. I was like “hmmm wait a minute… All those anxieties and fears and desperation are all so familiar” and that’s when I realized that the way I was feeling about me and Aphrodite was the exact same way I felt in a past situationship. Long story short, this guy ghosted me and I assumed I was the problem, I assumed that he thought I wasn’t good enough for him, that he thought I wasn’t pretty enough for him, when in reality, his behavior had nothing to do with me at all. Even after he explained to me countless times that I wasn’t the problem, that he had some pretty bad stuff going on his life and that’s why he distanced himself from me, even after he told me I was pretty I still couldn’t believe him because I was so wounded and insecure that I believed that the way I saw myself was the exact same way others saw me. I thought I really had gotten over that, my self-esteem did get better in some ways but I suppose I haven’t fully gotten over that lol. I thought that maybe my fears and insecurities when it came to how Aphrodite would view me was there to actually show me that I have to work harder on my self-esteem, that my self-esteem needs to become stronger and more stable, you know? Because otherwise I will carry those fears to other relationships as well, and I could end up ruining something really good because of those fears. But yeah, what you said really opened my eyes and I will take your advice to life, I’ll remember that the worth I give to myself is not the worth others give to me :)

Forgot to mention, but just so you can have an idea, my fears got so out of hand that I started to overthink and I was like “oh my god what if Aphrodite makes fun of me” or “what if she compares me to her other devotees like ‘omg she’s prettier than you’” and Dude. That’s exactly how I felt in my past situationship. You know, that same paranoia and feelings and crazy fears. I mean, I thought I became 100% confident and turns out I’m still not confident at all lol.

I guess what is blocking my way towards her is myself and my old fears and low self-esteem. Maybe I thought I wasn’t worth of being associated with Aphrodite. Maybe I didn’t feel good enough for her or for me. I guess in order for me to truly accept her and embrace her completely, I have to be brave and ignore those fears and paranoia and what ifs. And just be kind to myself for once because like you said, the worth I give to myself is not the worth others give to me and maybe all those fears aren’t even real. It won’t be easy but I’ll try.

Anyway I’m sorry for this lengthy text, also I’m sorry if this topic became too personal lol I would never imagine an ask on Tumblr would turn out to be so therapeutic for me lol. But yeah, like I said, I will take your advice to life! Thank you so much again and I hope you have a lovely day or night 🩷

New Anon lore just dropped!

Jokes aside, I'm glad I could help you to realize something important, I could teel you needed to hear it.

Just some extra advice: if you're able to pay for it, therapy could really help you out with those fears and insecurities. It's a lengthy and painful process, but the outcome is beautiful.

I've heard many people say that having a relationship with Her really made a difference in their self esteem, so I hope that happens to you too :) especially if you're able to combine your religious practice with a good therapist!

You sound like a really nice person, so I hope you'll be able to figure yourself out sooner than later 💖

[ina-nis]

I have not written much this month or lately at all because journaling is not as helpful anymore for these issues I'm facing. Being stuck in my head is the last thing I need to address disconnection. The other piece is the fact that I likely do not fit in the criteria for personality disorders at all anymore.

That would mean... I either have reached remission from AvPD or I never had a personality disorder in the first place (and CPTSD was the culprit all along, since that disorder tends to mimic others). I think the latter is more likely and I'm thankful for "getting better" because PDs are horrible to deal with.

I'm still not sure if my overall detachment, disconnection and "dissociation" have to do with avoidance or something else though... regardless, I've been trying to keep on going, trying to push through it and, quite literally, trying to do things however possible.

Being in a place where I can say I have a self-esteem also helped me make that separation, by not seeing myself and my behaviours as something "disordered" and more like... they are responses to stimuli, trauma, socialization and so on.

I think a huge part of the "acceptance" piece I'm trying to achieve is sitting with this discomfort, with this pain, with the loneliness... and feeling it.

It fucking sucks, but I feel like it sucks less than trying to fight and suppress it.

For a long time, I've been scared of "stopping" because, in my mind, that meant "giving up."

Well, I was mistaken.

Every single thing I do outside the realm of loneliness and the pain it causes me, is resistance, is me not giving up. I guess I just didn't have in mind to see it so broadly, but it comes with being stuck overanalyzing my... everything.

A huge part of the "acceptance" piece is understanding that, even when loneliness have been my reality for as long as I've been alive (and most likely will remain a reality), I can still have goals, passions and even meaningful connections, I can still have a good life and the fact that I've been trying to give my life meaning every day also means another fear of mine will likely not ever come true: I'll not become bitter or miserable when I go through lengths to cultivate compassion and gentleness towards myself.

In the end of the day, I guess one of the many meanings "acceptance" has, in this context, is to be able to live in suffering while still trying to improve whatever else you can improve. Yes, these other things will not alleviate the pain because they will not address it, and yet, these are things that make me happy and satisfied, etc.

I guess I wasn't sure how to move forward from here, but I've been doing it already without even realizing it.

This is not the answer I wanted or the resolution I wish I had gotten but it's something I can do on my own.

The problem of addressing a social issue individually still remains. The same with healing relationship trauma and attachment wounds - there's only so much work I can do by myself.

The problem of not having positive long-lasting close connections also remains - even though I've made a lot of close friends, they all love me platonically and I just... try to not think about it and love them back however they allow me to. It's unsatisfying, frustrating and triggering for me, since it doesn't meet my needs, but it is a compromise I decided to reach to maintain my friends.

The self-esteem bit helps with all those resentment issues I used to have because now I can look at these relationships and not take it so personally anymore. Wow yeah this fucking sucks and it's not working for me but what am I supposed to do? Lash at people, cut them off again? Will that address anything? Will that help?

No. And it doesn't get me any closer from what I want either but... that's how it is. Crying or getting angry over it won't change anything so I guess it's just better to focus my energy elsewhere (this is a bit of the detachment/disconnection piece though, or so I wonder).

I can only try to live authentically and hope that will be enough to draw the right people to me, all the while I keep seeking people, getting rejected, and moving on.

I'm doing all the right things already and I know better than to lower my standards and just accept anything. I'd rather be alone, so I'm doing that.

Realizing that most people around you are not doing the work is frustrating enough - they will never be a "good fit" for me because, yes, these are the people I have outgrown. This is all I can find out there and it is really discouraging (together with all the other factors that make something difficult nearly impossible).

This is exactly why I need to be alright (as much as possible) with living with this pain.

For some, they will live with the pain of hopping from connection to connection "because it better than being alone," for some other, like me, it's better to be alone than dealing with the pain of rejection and loss, among other things.

This all is not to say that I'm closing my heart and gave up on dating or making friends... more like, being very realistic about my expectations and possibilities and trying to not let that wear me down too much.

I didn't need to stop loving others, I didn't even need to stop loving others romantically (yes, my friends and whoever else). I love more than ever, I love shamelessly because I thrive in love.

"My feelings are not a mistake" is exactly it.

Love is not the source of my pain, it's one source of happiness, of many others I have.

Similarly, loneliness and disconnection are some of issues that hurt me and don't have any easy way to be addressed, unfortunately. Considering I'm already doing everything in my power, the rest is probably a matter of time and luck.

I wonder what the future will bring and I look forward to being able to withstand this much suffering with softness and in love.

[prideoftheknights]

SPRING TROUPE 10TH PLAY: MOON TRAVELER — ムーン・トラベラー 【CHAPTER 5】

PREVIOUS CHAPTER | MASTERLIST | NEXT CHAPTER

translation under the cut!

Chikage: (It was a bothersome meeting, but I got out earlier than expected. I've still got some time before rehearsals, so maybe I'll do some self-practice.)

(Come to think of it, I think the space museum I recommended to Tsuzuru is around here, but it's probably closed by now......)

(Well, it would be pointless if I went there anyways. The only thing you can get from there is information.)

......

(A strong longing for the moon. Looking up at the moon, kind of like a child, in a pure way......)

......

(Ah, damn. The moon is blocked by the clouds today.)

Chikage: I'm home.

Sakuya: Welcome home!

Masumi: Welcome back.

Chikage: ......Spring troupe's all here, huh.

Itaru: We're having an emergency family meeting.

Chikage: What?

Citron: We must hurry to the conference room!

Itaru: Sakura sea bream with whitebait, please.

Citron: I'll have the sweet shrimp and the greenbait too please!

Tsuzuru: You mean whitebait, don't you!? Also, add engawa and squid. [1]

Masumi: Salmon, snow crab and tuna.

Chikage: So this is our 'conference room'?

Izumi: I had a request to have sushi for dinner.

Chikage: I guess the agenda is seasonal.

Tsuzuru: Ah, speaking of which, I......

Actually, the script isn't coming together very well, and I was thinking of adjusting Roberto's character to make him more like Chikage-san.

It would also be easier for Chikage-san to play the role.

But then when I thought about it again, I realised that there's so many things we don't know about Chikage-san.

Of course, I know that Chikage-san has his own reasons for doing this but......

I think Oz was a script I could write since I didn't know Chikage-san that well. But this time, I don't want to write a vague script all because I don't know him.

I want to create a stage that's different from the one back then, one that can only be created by the Chikage-san of today and us.

And so, I'd like to ask a favour of you......

Chikage: What do you need from me?

Sakuya: ......

Itaru: .......

Tsuzuru: We......

Citron: We want to have an Equal and Egg!

Chikage: Equal and egg?

Masumi: A Q&A.

Itaru: Spring Troupe members will take turns asking Senpai one question each.

Masumi: There's one rule. If you don't want to answer a question, don't answer it; but if you do, don't lie.

Chikage: I see.

Sakuya: So is it alright...?

Chikage: ......

......Alright.

Tsuzuru: Really!?

Masumi: That's surprising.

Chikage: But, even if I do lie, you guys wouldn't be able to tell, no?

Sakuya: Even though Chikage-san tells lies or jokes, he never breaks a promise.

Chikage: ……Well, when you put it that way, I couldn't possibly betray you.

Itaru: Besides, it's not cool to run away, right?

Chikage: Yeah, yeah. I'll obey the rule.

Chikage: Of course there'll be things I don't want to talk about, but since I can veto them I don't have any problems.

After all, I know it's my fault that the script and the play itself isn't going well.

I'm the lead of the play, so I'll do whatever I can to help. I didn't think answering questions was what I'd end up doing, though.

Tsuzuru: Well then, we look forward too working with you.

Sakuya: I wanted to know more about Chikage-san, too, so I'm happy!

Waiter: Sorry for the wait, here's your order.

Citron: The lion has arrived! [2]

Izumi: Let's dig in!

Tsuzuru: I'd like to add octopus please!

Chikage: (I would've never accepted such a request had I been the same person I was when I first joined the group.)

(......I guess I've gone soft.)

Yuki: ……Okay, measurements are done. All of your sizez haven't changed much from last time, huh.

Make sure you guys keep taking care of your bodies, cause I don't wanna do any more adjustments.

Tsuzuru: Roger that.

Yuki: Also, I'm going to make all the accessories gold.

Chikage: ......If possible, I'd like to keep this ring on.

Yuki: Got it. Then, for this guy's costume I'll add some silver.

Chikage: Sorry for the trouble.

Masumi: ......

Chikage: ......

Masumi: Are you free right now?

Chikage: Yeah. What's the matter?

Masumi: Example Q&A.

Chikage: For Masumi to be the one to lead the charge, it's a little surprising.

Masumi: I want to get it over with quickly.

Chikage: So that's how it is. Go ahead.

Masumi: Why do you wear that ring all the time?

Chikage: ––

I wasn't expecting for you to go straight to that point.

......

Masumi: ......If you don't want to answer, you can pass.

It's not like the things Chikage wears all the time don't mean anything at all, but you just don't like you'd have the personality to believe in things like wishful thinking or jinxes.

So I was just curious as to why.

Chikage: ......Well, since it's you Masumi, it's fine. We've talked about things like this a little before.

Remember when I told you that I had a family member who passed away? This is a keepsake from them.

Masumi: A keepsake......

Chikage: Yes. It's proof that he was alive...... and proof that he is dead. But it's also proof that I am alive.

…You don't really understand, do you?

Masumi: I know it's as important to you as your own life itself. That's enough.

Somehow, I figured that it'd be connected to that family member in some way.

Well for now your quota has been cleared. Bye.

Chikage: So that's all? That was easy.

......But I wasn't expecting this from the first question. I guess it's a little early.

Hisoka: Chikage is in a rare kind of trouble.

Chikage: ......So you were here, huh.

Hisoka: I was sleeping up there.

Chikage: I told you to think about the season, didn't I?

Hisoka: …A question and answer, right. I think it's a good idea. Otherwise, you might just die without saying a word.

Chikage: As you might expect, I'm not thinking that far ahead.

Hisoka: ......I understand why Chikage doesn't want to talk about it, but everyone wants to know about "Chikage Utsuki", not the other you.

I think it's good to talk about as much as you can, little by little.

Chikage: ......

[1]: engawa is the meat that comes from the tail fin muscle of a fish

[2]: citron says "獅子" (shishi) instead of sushi

PREVIOUS CHAPTER | MASTERLIST | NEXT CHAPTER

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (badger system) + bird secondary

Hi Wisteria! I'm sorry to add to the mayhem that is your ask box, but I'd love it if you could sort me. Warning: I'm a former gifted kid with social anxiety disorder (and probably some mystery flavor of neurodivergence), so some of that might be more prevalent in my explanation than my actual personality and such. Sorry for that in advance... and onto the word vomit.

a burnt secondary I see

(or not - that's just my little joke that apologizing in asks and burnt secondaries go together)

I know I'm sort of Idealist primary, since I've never really been attached to people the way Loyalists are described to be, but maybe I'm not seeing things objectively. We'll see.

I was very, very into books as a kid. My area of giftedness is language so I guess that kinda makes sense. I read a lot of fantasy growing up, but I especially liked books about history like the Magic Treehouse or Royal Diaries series because I was learning things about the real world. Like, knowing random facts about history and culture was kinda cool. I read books about how babies were made, different breeds of dogs and how they were bred, Greek mythology, and a whole lot more. My family called me a walking encyclopedia cause sometimes I'd just blurt out random facts about things, like how fish was "brain food" because the fatty acids in it help with memory. I was six.

I'm very much a Built secondary. I didn't like going into things without a game plan. I think my best example I bought a book called A Girl's Guide to Starting Middle School

oh my god I remember that book!!!!! oh that's nostalgic.

so that I could have an idea of what middle school would be like so I could plan what to wear, how to go about my classes, and how to make friends. It could've also been the social anxiety starting to form, but I still find this hilarious. I enjoyed being in Girl Scouts because it taught me skills such as woodworking and first aid that actually proved to be helpful later. The troop was cool too, but I was there to learn how to show off, lmao.

So we've either got a Bird secondary, or a beloved Bird model.

I assumed a mom/therapist friend role in most friend groups and naturally gravitated toward positions of leadership as well. I was good at getting to the root of issues and figuring out where to go from there. My friends had me playing middle man between them and another friend or their partner veryyy often.

And now this is starting to sound badger secondary to me. Solving problems by leveraging the groups.

I was co-editor of my middle school yearbook, leader and researcher of every group project I was in, and a part-time basketball coach during my first year of college.

I know you say you don't think you're a loyalist, but I am noticing you are bringing up a LOT of groups. Your friends, your girl scout troop, the yearbook, the basketball team...

Imposter syndrome got the better of me that time, though.

I mean, imposter syndrome is just *a thing* but I do sort of wonder if maybe your primary got a little bit Burned. Just a light char.

I care a whole lot about social issues and progressive action. I try my best to lead with empathy and understanding before anything else.

Sounding a little bit Badger primary there...

I know I shouldn't be racist, but why? I know I shouldn't be misogynistic, but why? I know I shouldn't be homophobic, but why? And once I figure all of that out, what do each of those look like in real time and how do I fix it?

... and then you hit me with the Bird. I'm going to be very surprised if you don't end up being a Bird primary.

My moral system could also appear very Badger at times as well. Accepting individuals for the sake of the individual is my main principle, as the well as the classic "treat others the way you want to be treated." This is why I dislike greed, arrogance, self-righteousness, etc.: they all lead to an unfair treatment of others, treatment of others that one wouldn't want turned back on themselves. I also believe in inclusivity, whether that be of different neurodivergencies, disabilities, races, sexualities, gender identities, you name it.

You're a Bird primary who's built a Badger-flavored system.

Another weird thing I noticed that I've done growing up is be comfortable alone as long as I didn't have to compromise who I was. It sucked to be made fun of for my interests sometimes, sure, but it always felt equally as stupid and degrading to stop doing something because someone else said so. What was the point of winning their approval and getting to hang out with them if I didn't get to do anything I wanted anyway?

Very much an idealist stance to take. I guess it's possible that you're a very intellectual Lion who has intellectualize their moral position... but I'm still leaning Bird.

If I was in a serious mood but the group I was with was more loud, I didn't feel the need to try to act more energetic. I contributed to the conversations in my own way. I think some people perceive this as awkward, and in some cases it probably is more awkward not to just adapt, but it's not my natural inclination to do so.

Hmm. That makes me think that you're not a Badger. A young Badger would have been at least tempted to mirror a little bit. I think it's possible that you've built a Badger secondary model... but more likely that the loud Badger of your system has just sort of seeped into the way you interact with the world.

That's all I can really think of at the moment... let me know what you think!

[void-rainbow]

Random thoughts on enjoying the Collector, especially me writing in its pov

As much as I'm still kinda embarrassed about it

Not the best at self expression

And, that's what it comes down to I guess. Lots of self-expression in ways I find a bit difficult and embarrassing, but quite enjoyable

Er, I say difficult but--the actual writing process tends to be easy. Easy to get into the Collector's head

(As is common I can never keep things simple. This does have some things about mental illness and personal pains)

In my life I've had. Carefully controlled behavior. Which hasn't been entirely consistent in what behavior is aimed for. Or successful. And hasn't been the same in intensity

Just got...too much ptsd. Too many messages throughout life telling me everything about me was wrong. Too many times I was told my own reactions to mistreatment were more of a problem than the mistreatment. Too many times where I was told that my own mental health symptoms had to be pushed aside and ignored in order to be properly functional

Too much trying to make myself something acceptable so I could stop being hurt. Even as I did protest. I guess, it feels like, the bad messages won out over me in the end

It's hard to let go. It's hard to allow freer behavior

Especially as sometimes, I think, beneath the surface of what I allow myself....there's a lot of chaos

I've had a lot of really terrible mental health symptoms in my life. And their expression has been different at different points. Sometimes I think I don't even know how many symptoms I have, because they're beneath the control. Beneath the exterior shell that's constructed to keep some level of control over anything that people could possibly hurt me over

But...that's most things. Most any part of myself could be unacceptable to others

But even as there are a lot of nice things, I do think there's a lot of pain and bad symptoms there too. Things that even well-meaning people might freak out over. I don't know. Sometimes I'm not sure, if I do express some symptoms, if it means my life is worse, or if it means my life is better because it's a blow to the suffocating control, and just letting out things that were always there. And maybe some of the bad can be allowed to escape and lose power

I don't know

But I do know that writing someone like the Collector feels freeing to me

The words flow so easily for its mindset. Because it's just how I write sometimes, privately. Especially when feeling some of the worse mental health symptoms

I get embarrassed to express outwardly my enjoyment of the Collector. It does make me feel more exposed. I was nervous to admit how easy the writing is to me. To think about how people would think about me, and what that means for my own mental state, and possibly face judgement

The Collector is weird. Many find it creepy. And. You can't say it doesn't have uh. Some highly questionable actions. Unambiguously bad behavior. Even as in its own mind, it wants to do good for those around it

There's something wrong with its mind. What exactly? It's hard to say. I guess for my own interpretation it finds the command put on it at the time of its creation, to protect, something difficult to escape (and indeed, it doesn't want to). But also it has other weaknesses of thought, and as it gains experiences...can develop even more issues in perhaps a more natural manner.

I end up hoping others can enjoy the Collector. Even if I write it with a full host of issues. I hope some can be sympathetic. Others, uh, are still gonna be Bad Choices™️ that are less so. I just hope that people don't find it creepy only for having a weird mental state. I think most don't. And that does make me happy. I just hope that there's a place for me in the world. Even if I display symptoms that are unattractive or concerning to some people

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

good evening

could you tell us what it's like where you come from? how does that wolrd look? do you miss it?

Haha, yeah, I do miss it! But I don't really wish I had been born there – I don't have any sense of longing for the "old country," as it were. I've heard people say things like "oh, I miss my hometown so much, I wish I could go back" and it just doesn't feel that way for me.

The reason I don't post about it too much is mostly that I'm not really sure how to describe it, at least in a way that will be interesting to most of the people reading this blog. This is partly because I don't have a good sense of what my experiences are "like" for most people – I don't know whether I grew up in a particularly unusual way or whether most people's childhoods had similarly strange elements. (The weird home life I had is probably part of it.)

I'll see if I can say a little more, anyway.

I grew up in Portland, Oregon. There's a lot of weirdness there. It's a weird place in a lot of ways. It's got the same relationship to the rest of the West Coast as San Francisco does. It doesn't really feel like the Pacific Northwest to me, but it definitely feels like something. (Many people like it, it's just not for me.) And it has, like, those Portland stereotypes about hippies and so on, but there's a sort of credibility to that, I think? Like, there are a lot of wooey-sounding people, but not all of them are crunchy-granola types, just as not all of the grinchy-granolas are unusually crazy.

Some of the main features of my childhood that I think may have influenced me were that I was very much isolated from other people, and that my family life was extremely unstable. It was never exactly bad, but it was never really good, either. Lots of little problems, combined into a large aggregate problem, although my parents do a lot of shit that I can't complain about even now.

Both these things were related. My parents had no other family in the area, and had a hard time making friends. But I think that my family life would have been bad anyway, because even when I was a kid, I was already weird. I'm still extremely weird, but I think I have fewer interpersonal problems than I used to.

I guess I've always just had a lot of trouble controlling what I say and how I say it. I can't resist saying what I think, and I tend to say things in a way that people find difficult to accept. I have a pretty sharp "edge," and I have a lot of ideas that people find to be off-putting. I also have a low self-esteem, and I think that is part of what leads to my tendency to say things before I can think them through. I'm not saying this to complain, just to give a sense of what it's like.

I was also a precocious kid, which I think has influenced me a lot. And by this I mean, more than just being unusually intelligent or unusually good at school (though I was both of those) – I mean that I've always just had this uncanny feeling that I understood things in some profound way, that I had some special kind of connection to the world that let me see things in a new light.

I don't think this feeling has ever been very accurate, exactly. And I think this is part of why I've grown out of it to some extent – I see now that I'm wrong in some of my ideas a lot, and that I'm not always "seeing things in a new light," I'm just not seeing things very clearly. But my childhood self was very sure that he was getting things, and that helped me hold onto a certain vision of the world as something that could be understood in a way that other people weren't seeing.

(I feel like I'm skirting around things here, but I don't know how to combine all this in one coherent statement. Or I could, I suppose, but then it would be very long.)

Anyway. I'm sure there are many other things that could be said, but I don't think I can say them really well, and it probably doesn't matter that much. When I was growing up, I used to think that there was something wrong with me because I didn't fit in, but I've grown out of that now. I now believe that there are many things wrong with me, but none of them were, really, wrong with me. They were just my natural ways of being, the way I am.

And it's true, when I look back, it seems like I had so much and the world was so horrible, but if you asked me to go back in time and ask myself what I would do instead, I probably wouldn't do anything. The world was not really all that terrible. The bad parts were painful at the time, but this seems to be the same for everyone. I do have a tendency to say that I was somehow better than everyone else, which is probably not true, but I suspect it's mostly because I was lucky in a certain way – my problems, when they existed, were problems that could be solved by being very stubborn, but a lot of people are very unlucky in similar ways.

Is any of this of interest to the people reading this? I don't know, but that's a very old question.

[eccentricwearsgoggles]

about to open up about some personal stuff briefly. the purpose of doing so, is so that others who feel similarly have a positive reminder or just like, idk not feel alone about it. but I guess it's also cuz I don't always talk about it, but it's on my mind at times.

anyway. Growing up into my teens and even after, I had low self esteem and thus, didn't think I'd ever have like...any kind of steady relationship that would build up into marriage and it gave me a lot of bad and negative emotions. (Which, idk I'm pretty sure my parental issues were super evident, especially once I really figured things out later.) Thoughts like, "I'm never enough. No one's going to love me like the way I'd love them. I'm no good, I don't deserve it. What's wrong with me?"

Those are all some pretty self-deprecating thoughts. Especially when you look around and feel like everyone's got it figured out more than you do- which to say, might not always be the case as much as you think it is. Which, sometimes can be hard for me a lot of my acquaintances and friends, either younger or older are in serious relationships or married.

That's some of the difficult stuff, because you're wondering why you don't have that. I've mostly kind of come to terms with being single currently, it's not what I envisioned for my age. But like, there's probably reasons why it's this way, and not necessarily for negative reasons. I now understand there's nothing wrong with me, I choose to remain this way. Maybe we don't always feel like we choose that. But frankly I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't take me seriously or share important values/goals as I do.

There's underlying reasons as to why I wanted companionship while I was depressed. A lot. self worth and esteem issues, problems with home life, work, and perspective on life and circumstances. The main thing I was missing was the foundation I've found through my faith, as well as having the help to understand /why/ I was feeling how I did. I've needed true friendship in my life. I've started really building on that in the last couple of years and it's helped me a lot.

NGL I doubt it's going to go away entirely, cuz it's natural. I still would like to marry, but I'm a lot more accepting of the fact if it doesn't happen. But now that things are more stable in my life, and I've got a clearer head... I do want that. And that's okay. But doesn't mean there's something wrong with me if it doesn't happen. We just have expectations because of perspective and when we look at what others have or don't have. Everyone reaches goals or attain things at different paces, and when you do, hopefully you're able to look back and appreciate the growth you've made.

so like, hope you find strength and support in your family and friends that you have.

[perpetual-fool]

Sad, tired, but almost done.

I've just about solved my people problem. Courtesy of a couple of direct, confirmed confessions. I have all the pieces, just need some time to assemble it all.

Not sure how to tie any of this together. I guess I'm just sharing.

The last issue was self-deception. How can someone willingly lie to themselves if they give one iota of a shit about doing good? I think, because people care more about being accepted than doing good. The connection I made was an idea I've heard about a couple different professions, 'it takes a special kind of person to run towards danger'. Analogously, the danger is to one's self-esteem. Everyone I ever met will argue if you so much as imply they've done harm. When it's me, I assume they're right.

Am I special? It might be virtuous, but it's not useful. I ask for explanation and correction but never get it. Usually either people just keep telling me that I'm wrong or they start making arguments that are just blatantly invalid. It's projecting the rationalization for their self deception onto me, I think. That's why I believed I was evil. I ~selflessly~ accepted that I must be some kind of bogeyman.

It's been a night. I feel like I've gone through every feeling, every dilemma I've ever had. The first one I recall, and the first problem I ever had with my religion, was 'invalid' morality. The core tenant is that everyone is innately evil and deserves to be tortured for eternity just for being human. And 'grace' is a backhanded mockery of acceptance. You can be 'forgiven', you can escape the consequences, but you can never be good. The best anyone can ever do still deserves damnation. And wanting to be good, it was never any comfort to me, there was never any hope or joy to be had there. '~I will rejoice for he has made me gla-a-ad!'/s

And that's the point of certainty I'm using to finally dethrone the girl from high school as my archetype of kindness. I have to one else to fill the vacancy, so it's been hard to accept that hollow sympathy doesn't have genuine human connection hidden somewhere in there if you just dig down far enough. After all, why would she have kept talking to me for so long otherwise? Because she's an insecure coward, probably. Which I wish were not so, even just for her own sake. Still makes me sad that she got rid of piercings she liked just because other people were getting them too. Maybe that's just how things go for a wannabe rock star?

Anyway, maybe I am a good person, actually. To the extent that that means anything. By tomorrow I should be feeling nice things for once, like hope or joy. Right now I'm feeling distraught about starting my life thirty something years in and in a world that doesn't want me. It feels like it's too late, but even if I could start over I don't think there's anything else that I could do.

Supposing otherwise, what do you do with a life? Aside from having a loved one, seems like the only thing there is to be done is fend off discomfort and death. That still seems pretty empty. Helping people would be nice, except that everyone makes things terrible on purpose. I know in principle harm reduction isn't meaningless, but trying to bail out the ocean while refusing to patch the holes feels offensively stupid to me, malicious even. Almost feels like the point of charity is to actually maintain the problem, pretend there's something being done about it so people feel free to forget it's there. Maybe there's something to that, there's something there I seem to care about. (I'm not saying I think this is actually true, to be clear, just that it feels this way.) Seems like the only thing of merit is my annoyance with things that are clearly done wrong. Viola is too small, violin is too shrill, string instruments shouldn't be built as a box, guitar should have a flat neck, bass guitar should be as long as you can fuckin' make it, electric bass guitar should have a pickup at the fifteenth fret, keyboards should be split and orthogonal if not ortholinear, mice uh mumble mumble they're wrong, hand planes maybe should be sharpened such that the 'chip breaker' is built-in, et cetera. The more experience I have the more things there are. Is the only possible significance in my life fixing obviously sub-optimal stuff? Would that bring me fulfillment? I'll just have to fuckin' find out I guess.

This went on way longer than I thought it would. Happy noon, -ish.